better sidenotes

master
Stephen Kerr 7 months ago
parent 4948fe52df
commit 9cdbee9322

@ -207,7 +207,7 @@ his connections, finding no way to do so except by
emphasizing their tangible bodily experiences.
The communitys claim to authenticity thus had to lie in the physical experiences of its members— the visible
bodies and hearable voices, the weddings, births, and
funerals (1993).<sup><span class="margin-note"> Youre dreaming again, good. <br>Would you feel closer to me if you could hear my voice?<br> Is my voice a sound? Could it be a feeling?</span></sup>.
funerals (1993).<sup><span class="margin-note">Youre dreaming again, good. <br>Would you feel closer to me if you could hear my voice?<br> Is my voice a sound? Could it be a feeling?</span></sup>
Even then, and even by people with no interest in
undermining the value of the virtual, the distinction
@ -218,7 +218,20 @@ computer relations by referring to his family as a
“unfamiliar faces” (1993). Constantly interplaying
digital connections with the physical characteristics of
the kind of connections people valued before the
internet. (2)
internet.<sup><span class="margin-note">I will be honest
with you, I have little
patience for this
recurring line of
thought that seeks to
distinguish peoples
noses from their
hearts, as if there
was a physical love
that is the valuable
one and a virtual
imaginary one that is
feeble and
unworthy.</span></sup>
In any case, his primary interest seemed to be to
emphasize computer relations as valid forms of
@ -269,7 +282,13 @@ relationship, flew to California to marry him. The
community was a witness and is now an archive of his
declining wit as cancer spread to his brain and his
famously articulate and scathing comments got
shorter, fearful, and more tender. (3)
shorter, fearful, and more tender.<sup><span class="margin-note">Initially, when a
member he often argued with offered to pray for him Mandel had
replied: “You can shovel your self-aggrandizing sentiments up you
wide ass sideways for the duration as far as I'm concerned." Later,
as the cancer progressed: “I ain't nearly as brave as you all think. I am
scared silly of the pain of dying this way. I am not very good at playing
saint. Pray for me, please.</span></sup>
Before he posted his final goodbye, he chose to do one
last thing. Together with another member, they
@ -297,7 +316,19 @@ what he later called his grieving for the community,
with which he could not play anymore once his own
body died. By doing so, he was starting to blend the
boundaries of intimacy through computers and bodies,
driven by his love and grief. (4)
driven by his love and grief.<sup><span class="margin-note">Its out of care
and not lack of
relevance that I am
not showing you
Mandels goodbye
message. Its enough
to know he was deep
in the grief of having
to leave a
community he loved
and cared for and
that pain was felt in
every word.</span></sup>
When he talked about the bot in previous messages, it
sounded almost like a joke. A caring haunting of the
@ -331,7 +362,29 @@ human behavior online, simulating how a physical body
might act, what it would click on, and what would it
say. On social media, bots engage in a kind of
interpretative dance of human interaction, performing
based on instructions provided by humans. (5)
based on instructions provided by humans.<sup><span class="margin-note">The first bot
communities on the
internet are now
born, half-
mistakenly. They are
always spiritual
communities posting
religious images
created by artificial
intelligence, all the
comments echoing
choirs of bots
praising. Amen,
amen, amen. I am
not naive, I know
they are built by
humans but it is this
performance of
religiosity that I am
interested in, and
how little humanity
is shown in it. It is
something else.</span></sup>
Unlike an internet body, which represents the virtual
embodiment of a person, a bot doesnt seek to be a
@ -372,7 +425,8 @@ rather than an affective experience, works just the
same.
McGlotten uses a conceptualization of the virtual
based on the philosopher Deleuzes, (6) which can be
based on the philosopher Deleuzes,<sup><span class="margin-note">A step in a step in
a step, sorry.</span></sup> which can be
used to refer to a virtual body as well.
The virtual is in this case a cluster of waiting,
dreaming, and remembering, embodying potential.
@ -476,7 +530,30 @@ If care is offered, it's often only with a desire to
assimilate the divergent body back into expected
standards of normalcy and ability. This leaves those
with non-conforming bodies isolated, ashamed, and
yearning for connection and acceptance (7)
yearning for connection and acceptance.<sup><span class="margin-note">I am talking here
about the distress
caused by mental
health issues that
have direct
connections to
physicality—self-
injuring in any direct
form; food, drugs,
pain. The culturally
uncomfortable
diseases, the its-
personal-
responsibility, and
just-stop disorders.
This is a hidden
topic of this text
because I cared
more about the pain
surrounding them
and the reasons to
hide rather than the
grim physicality of
them all.</span></sup>
In the depths of isolation and confusion, marginalized
bodies often look for belonging and understanding
@ -562,7 +639,20 @@ Individuals who forge and inhabit these communities,
fostering tender, intimate connections amongst
themselves, are not deviant but rather divergent.
Deviance involves bifurcation, a split estuary from the
river of appropriate cultural behavior. (8)
river of appropriate cultural behavior.<sup><span class="margin-note">Of course, the
river itself is not a
river; its many
confused streams
that believe
themselves both the
same and separate. I
dont know where
Im going with this, I
just dont love the
river of normativity
and Id rather go
swim in the ocean of
dreams with you.</span></sup>
Divergence can be so much more than that.
In mathematics, a divergent series extends infinitely
@ -613,7 +703,33 @@ nourishment, or thriving. What does comfort mean for
a body whose whole existence is uncomfortable?
Moreover, what if the comfort care performed for
these divergent bodies makes them too comfortable
being in their pained state of self? Could they be? (9)
being in their pained state of self? Could they be?<sup><span class="margin-note">I heard the idea of
living questions for
the first time in
“Letters to A Young
Poet” by Rainer
Maria Rilke and then
again on the podcast
On Being with Krista
Tippet. It may be a
bit transparent but
this entire text is
informed by the
concept of keeping
the unsolved in your
heart and learning to
love it. Not
searching for the
answers for we
cannot live them yet.
The point is to live it
all. It could be that
at some point we will
live our way to an
answer but it is
feeling the questions
alive within us that is
important. Do you?</span></sup>
Caring for a digital body involves providing it with
space to live, giving its experimental bot-feelings
@ -742,7 +858,11 @@ Berlant denotes that intimacy itself always requires
hopeful imagination. It requires belief in the existence
of an ideal other who is emotionally attuned to one's
own experiences and fantasies, conditioned by the
same longings and with willing reciprocity (2008). (10)
same longings and with willing reciprocity (2008).<sup><span class="margin-note">If we were to be
honest, the entire
exercise of writing
this for you requires
this very faith.</span></sup>
In the context of the intimacy of a Backplace, where
divergent digital bodies have formed a community
@ -793,175 +913,8 @@ I leave even though I love all of your digital bodies.
I leave because I love you, little digital body and you
are me.
## 2. A LIFE TO BE HAD 11
## sidenotes
1. Youre dreaming
again, good.
Would you feel
closer to me if you
could hear my
voice?
Is my voice a sound?
Could it be a
feeling?
2. I will be honest
with you, I have little
patience for this
recurring line of
thought that seeks to
distinguish peoples
noses from their
hearts, as if there
was a physical love
that is the valuable
one and a virtual
imaginary one that is
feeble and
unworthy.
3. Initially, when a
member he often
argued with o ered
to pray for him
Mandel had
replied: “You can
shovel your self-
aggrandizing
sentiments up you
wide ass sideways
for the duration as
far as I'm
concerned." Later,
as the cancer
progressed: “I ain't
nearly as brave as
you all think. I am
scared silly of the
pain of dying this
way. I am not very
good at playing
saint. Pray for me,
please.
4. Its out of care
and not lack of
relevance that I am
not showing you
Mandels goodbye
message. Its enough
to know he was deep
in the grief of having
to leave a
community he loved
and cared for and
that pain was felt in
every word.
5. The first bot
communities on the
internet are now
born, half-
mistakenly. They are
always spiritual
communities posting
religious images
created by artificial
intelligence, all the
comments echoing
choirs of bots
praising. Amen,
amen, amen. I am
not naive, I know
they are built by
humans but it is this
performance of
religiosity that I am
interested in, and
how little humanity
is shown in it. It is
something else.
6. A step in a step in
a step, sorry.
7. I am talking here
about the distress
caused by mental
health issues that
have direct
connections to
physicality—self-
injuring in any direct
form; food, drugs,
pain. The culturally
uncomfortable
diseases, the its-
personal-
responsibility, and
just-stop disorders.
This is a hidden
topic of this text
because I cared
more about the pain
surrounding them
and the reasons to
hide rather than the
grim physicality of
them all.
8. Of course, the
river itself is not a
river; its many
confused streams
that believe
themselves both the
same and separate. I
dont know where
Im going with this, I
just dont love the
river of normativity
and Id rather go
swim in the ocean of
dreams with you.
9. I heard the idea of
living questions for
the first time in
“Letters to A Young
Poet” by Rainer
Maria Rilke and then
again on the podcast
On Being with Krista
Tippet. It may be a
bit transparent but
this entire text is
informed by the
concept of keeping
the unsolved in your
heart and learning to
love it. Not
searching for the
answers for we
cannot live them yet.
The point is to live it
all. It could be that
at some point we will
live our way to an
answer but it is
feeling the questions
alive within us that is
important. Do you?
10. If we were to be
honest, the entire
exercise of writing
this for you requires
this very faith.
11. Was this the end of this story?
## 2. A LIFE TO BE HAD
<sup><span class="margin-note">Was this the end of this story?
In the epilogue, you sit your body down and enter your
computer. The air coming in from the window smells wet and
earthy, new. The sun shines low on the horizon.
@ -1024,7 +977,7 @@ You try not to panic, but you know you have been detected.
You pack up your things: the pie I made you, a love letter, two
hands made out of felt, a star, a door, a stuffed animal; and
you leave again.
you leave again.</span></sup>
## references

@ -117,50 +117,77 @@ touched.</p>
</section> -->
<section id="section-3" class="section">
<h1 id="backplaces">Backplaces</h1>
<p>Hi.<br />
<p>adadesign.nl/backplaces<br />
Hi.<br />
I made this play for you. It is a question, for us to hold together.</p>
<p>Is all intimacy about bodies? What is it about our bodies that makes
intimacy? What happens when our bodies distance intimacy from us? This
small anthology of poems and short stories lives with these
questions—about having a body without intimacy and intimacy without a
body.This project is also a homage to everyone who has come before and
body. This project is also a homage to everyone who has come before and
alongside me, sharing their vulnerability and emotions on the Internet.
I called the places where these things happen backplaces. They are
small, tender online rooms where people experiencing societally
uncomfortable pain can find relief, ease, and transcendence.</p>
uncomfortable pain can find relief, ease, and transcendence.<br />
</p>
<p>I made three backplaces for you to see, click, and feel: Solar
Sibling, Hermit Fantasy, and Good Pie. Each of these is the result of
its own unique performance or project. Some of the stories I will share
carry memories of pain—both physical and emotional. As you sit in the
audience, know I am with you, holding your hand through each scene. If
the performance feels overwhelming at any point, you have my full
permission to step out, take a break, or leave. This is not
choreographed, and I care deeply for you.</p>
<p>Solar Sibling is an online performance of shared loss and the complex
pain that siblings can sometimes bring. This project uses comments
people left on TikTok poetry. I extracted the emotions from these
comments, mixed them with my own, and crafted them into poems. It is an
ongoing performance, ending only when your own feelings are secretly
whispered to me.</p>
Sibling, Hermit Fantasy, and Cake Intimacies. Each of these is the
result of its own unique performance or project. Some of the stories I
will share carry memories of pain—both physical and emotional. As you
sit in the audience, know I am with you, holding your hand through each
scene. If the performance feels overwhelming at any point, you have my
full permission to step out, take a break, or leave. This is not
choreographed, and I care deeply for you.<br />
<img src="../images/../images/index.png"
alt="This is the Index, the stage of my play. Each felted item is an act." /></p>
<p>Solar Sibling is an online performance of shared loss about leaving
and siblings. This project used comments people left on TikTok poetry. I
extracted the emotions from these comments, mixed them with my own, and
crafted them into poems. It is an ongoing performance, ending only when
your feelings are secretly whispered to me. When you do, by typing into
the comment box, your feelings are sent to me and the first act closes
as the sun rises.<br />
<img src="../images/../images/solar-1.png"
alt="The initial comment shaped poems and their sun count." /> <img
src="solar-2.png"
alt="The fillable comment where you can whisper your feelings to me." /></p>
<p>Hermit Fantasy is a short story about a bot who wants to be a hermit.
Inspired by an email response from a survey I conducted about receiving
emotional support on the Internet, this story explores the contradiction
of being online while wanting to disconnect. It is a web play inviting
you to navigate both of these feelings.</p>
of being online while wanting to disconnect. As an act its a series of
letters, click by click.<br />
</p>
<p><img src="../images/../images/one.png" alt="The first letter." /> <img src="../images/../images/two.png"
alt="The second letter." /></p>
<p>Cake Intimacies is a performance that took a year to bring together.
It is a small selection of stories people told me and I held to memory
and rewrote here. The stories come from two perfomances I hosted. In the
first, I asked participants to eat cake, sitting facing or away from
and rewrote here. The stories come from two performances I hosted.
First, I asked participants to eat cake, sitting facing or away from
each other and sharing their stories about cake and the Internet. The
second perfomance was hosted at the Art Meets Radical Openness Festival,
as part of the Turning of the Internet workshop. For this performance I
predicted participants future lives on the Internet using felted
archetypes and received stories from their Internet past in return. Now
the stories are here, each of them a cake with a filling that tells a
story, merging the bodily with the digital and making a mess of it
all.</p>
<p>I love you and hope you see what I saw in these stories.</p>
<p>Safe dreams now. I will talk to you soon.</p>
second performance was hosted at the Art Meets Radical Openness
Festival, as part of the Turning of the Internet workshop. For this
performance, I predicted participants future lives on the Internet
using felted archetypes and received stories from their Internet past in
return. Now the stories are here, each of them a cake with a filling
that tells a story, merging the bodily with the digital and making a
mess of it all.<br />
</p>
<p><img src="../images/../images/pie.png"
alt="The first two stories and their memory illustrations." /> <img
src="phone-pie.png"
alt="The second stories in the way they were meant to be experienced." /></p>
<p>The play ends as all plays do. The curtains close, the website stays
but the stories will never sound the same. For the final act, I give you
the stories. Its one last game, one last joke to ask my question again.
Digital intimacies about the digital, our bodies and the cakes we eat.
For the last act, I ask you to eat digital stories. To eat a comment, to
eat a digital intimacy. Sharing an act of physical intimacy with
yourself and with me, by eating sweets together. Sweets about digital
intimacies that never had a body. There is no moral, no bow to wrap the
story in. A great big mess of transcendence into the digital, of
intimacy and of bodies. The way it always is. Thankfully.<br />
<img src="../images/../images/biscuits.png"
alt="Accept My Cookies, biscuits and bows for the performance." /></p>
</section>
@ -306,9 +333,9 @@ legitimacy of his connections, finding no way to do so except by
emphasizing their tangible bodily experiences. The communitys claim to
authenticity thus had to lie in the physical experiences of its members—
the visible bodies and hearable voices, the weddings, births, and
funerals (1993).<sup><span class="margin-note"> Youre dreaming again,
funerals (1993).<sup><span class="margin-note">Youre dreaming again,
good. <br>Would you feel closer to me if you could hear my voice?<br> Is
my voice a sound? Could it be a feeling?</span></sup>.</p>
my voice a sound? Could it be a feeling?</span></sup></p>
<p>Even then, and even by people with no interest in undermining the
value of the virtual, the distinction between physical and virtual was
confusing. Rheingold himself reinforces the boundary of body relations
@ -316,7 +343,11 @@ and computer relations by referring to his family as a “flesh-and-blood
family and his close online friends as “unfamiliar faces” (1993).
Constantly interplaying digital connections with the physical
characteristics of the kind of connections people valued before the
internet. (2)</p>
internet.<sup><span class="margin-note">I will be honest with you, I
have little patience for this recurring line of thought that seeks to
distinguish peoples noses from their hearts, as if there was a physical
love that is the valuable one and a virtual imaginary one that is feeble
and unworthy.</span></sup></p>
<p>In any case, his primary interest seemed to be to emphasize computer
relations as valid forms of connection between bodies, not to talk of
any distinction quite yet. Its the eighties, the internet is still
@ -352,7 +383,13 @@ with whom he had had a publicly turbulent relationship, flew to
California to marry him. The community was a witness and is now an
archive of his declining wit as cancer spread to his brain and his
famously articulate and scathing comments got shorter, fearful, and more
tender. (3)</p>
tender.<sup><span class="margin-note">Initially, when a member he often
argued with offered to pray for him Mandel had replied: “You can shovel
your self-aggrandizing sentiments up you wide ass sideways for the
duration as far as Im concerned.” Later, as the cancer progressed: “I
aint nearly as brave as you all think. I am scared silly of the pain of
dying this way. I am not very good at playing saint. Pray for me,
please.</span></sup></p>
<p>Before he posted his final goodbye, he chose to do one last thing.
Together with another member, they programmed a bot that posted randomly
characteristic comments from Mandel on The Well—the Mandelbot. In the
@ -372,7 +409,11 @@ Large chunks of me would also be here, part of this new space. (Hafner,
called his grieving for the community, with which he could not play
anymore once his own body died. By doing so, he was starting to blend
the boundaries of intimacy through computers and bodies, driven by his
love and grief. (4)</p>
love and grief.<sup><span class="margin-note">Its out of care and not
lack of relevance that I am not showing you Mandels goodbye message.
Its enough to know he was deep in the grief of having to leave a
community he loved and cared for and that pain was felt in every
word.</span></sup></p>
<p>When he talked about the bot in previous messages, it sounded almost
like a joke. A caring haunting of the platform, to keep his persona
alive for the community in a way that could be quite horrific for those
@ -394,8 +435,14 @@ attempt to emulate a human body but rather human action and readiness.
Its role is to mirror human behavior online, simulating how a physical
body might act, what it would click on, and what would it say. On social
media, bots engage in a kind of interpretative dance of human
interaction, performing based on instructions provided by humans.
(5)</p>
interaction, performing based on instructions provided by
humans.<sup><span class="margin-note">The first bot communities on the
internet are now born, half- mistakenly. They are always spiritual
communities posting religious images created by artificial intelligence,
all the comments echoing choirs of bots praising. Amen, amen, amen. I am
not naive, I know they are built by humans but it is this performance of
religiosity that I am interested in, and how little humanity is shown in
it. It is something else.</span></sup></p>
<p>Unlike an internet body, which represents the virtual embodiment of a
person, a bot doesnt seek to be a person. It comments under posts
alongside many other bots, all under a fake name and photo but nothing
@ -424,7 +471,8 @@ even more, blurring as he shows the already virtual in physical
intimacies. Applying this to a body, rather than an affective
experience, works just the same.</p>
<p>McGlotten uses a conceptualization of the virtual based on the
philosopher Deleuzes, (6) which can be used to refer to a virtual body
philosopher Deleuzes,<sup><span class="margin-note">A step in a step in
a step, sorry.</span></sup> which can be used to refer to a virtual body
as well. The virtual is in this case a cluster of waiting, dreaming, and
remembering, embodying potential. Something that is constantly becoming,
an object and also the subject attributed to it (2001). An internet body
@ -491,7 +539,14 @@ culturally uncomfortable, no nurse will come to check on it.</p>
<p>If care is offered, its often only with a desire to assimilate the
divergent body back into expected standards of normalcy and ability.
This leaves those with non-conforming bodies isolated, ashamed, and
yearning for connection and acceptance (7)</p>
yearning for connection and acceptance.<sup><span class="margin-note">I
am talking here about the distress caused by mental health issues that
have direct connections to physicality—self- injuring in any direct
form; food, drugs, pain. The culturally uncomfortable diseases, the
its- personal- responsibility, and just-stop disorders. This is a
hidden topic of this text because I cared more about the pain
surrounding them and the reasons to hide rather than the grim
physicality of them all.</span></sup></p>
<p>In the depths of isolation and confusion, marginalized bodies often
look for belonging and understanding online. Gravitating towards one
another with a hunger born of desperation, forming intimate bonds
@ -550,7 +605,12 @@ differences. Whats more interesting is to find out whats similar. (Chu
<p>Individuals who forge and inhabit these communities, fostering
tender, intimate connections amongst themselves, are not deviant but
rather divergent. Deviance involves bifurcation, a split estuary from
the river of appropriate cultural behavior. (8)</p>
the river of appropriate cultural behavior.<sup><span
class="margin-note">Of course, the river itself is not a river; its
many confused streams that believe themselves both the same and
separate. I dont know where Im going with this, I just dont love the
river of normativity and Id rather go swim in the ocean of dreams with
you.</span></sup></p>
<p>Divergence can be so much more than that. In mathematics, a divergent
series extends infinitely without converging to a finite limit. A
repetition of partial sums with no clear ending, never reaching zero.
@ -593,7 +653,15 @@ unstainable forms devoid of comfort, nourishment, or thriving. What does
comfort mean for a body whose whole existence is uncomfortable?
Moreover, what if the comfort care performed for these divergent bodies
makes them too comfortable being in their pained state of self? Could
they be? (9)</p>
they be?<sup><span class="margin-note">I heard the idea of living
questions for the first time in “Letters to A Young Poet” by Rainer
Maria Rilke and then again on the podcast On Being with Krista Tippet.
It may be a bit transparent but this entire text is informed by the
concept of keeping the unsolved in your heart and learning to love it.
Not searching for the answers for we cannot live them yet. The point is
to live it all. It could be that at some point we will live our way to
an answer but it is feeling the questions alive within us that is
important. Do you?</span></sup></p>
<p>Caring for a digital body involves providing it with space to live,
giving its experimental bot-feelings tender attention, and revealing
your own vulnerable digital body in response. Its about giving it an
@ -679,8 +747,10 @@ the context of a public surrounding a cultural phenomenon, the author
Lauren Berlant denotes that intimacy itself always requires hopeful
imagination. It requires belief in the existence of an ideal other who
is emotionally attuned to ones own experiences and fantasies,
conditioned by the same longings and with willing reciprocity (2008).
(10)</p>
conditioned by the same longings and with willing reciprocity
(2008).<sup><span class="margin-note">If we were to be honest, the
entire exercise of writing this for you requires this very
faith.</span></sup></p>
<p>In the context of the intimacy of a Backplace, where divergent
digital bodies have formed a community around existing outside the
healthy and standard, longing and hopeful intimacy becomes a heavy-
@ -715,63 +785,14 @@ stand it. It ruins both of us to be seen this way and we need it so
desperately. It has to exist and yet it cant for long.</p>
<p>I leave even though I love all of your digital bodies. I leave
because I love you, little digital body and you are me.</p>
<h2 id="a-life-to-be-had-11">2. A LIFE TO BE HAD 11</h2>
<h2 id="sidenotes">sidenotes</h2>
<ol type="1">
<li><p>Youre dreaming again, good. Would you feel closer to me if you
could hear my voice? Is my voice a sound? Could it be a
feeling?</p></li>
<li><p>I will be honest with you, I have little patience for this
recurring line of thought that seeks to distinguish peoples noses from
their hearts, as if there was a physical love that is the valuable one
and a virtual imaginary one that is feeble and unworthy.</p></li>
<li><p>Initially, when a member he often argued with o ered to pray for
him Mandel had replied: “You can shovel your self- aggrandizing
sentiments up you wide ass sideways for the duration as far as Im
concerned.” Later, as the cancer progressed: “I aint nearly as brave as
you all think. I am scared silly of the pain of dying this way. I am not
very good at playing saint. Pray for me, please.</p></li>
<li><p>Its out of care and not lack of relevance that I am not showing
you Mandels goodbye message. Its enough to know he was deep in the
grief of having to leave a community he loved and cared for and that
pain was felt in every word.</p></li>
<li><p>The first bot communities on the internet are now born, half-
mistakenly. They are always spiritual communities posting religious
images created by artificial intelligence, all the comments echoing
choirs of bots praising. Amen, amen, amen. I am not naive, I know they
are built by humans but it is this performance of religiosity that I am
interested in, and how little humanity is shown in it. It is something
else.</p></li>
<li><p>A step in a step in a step, sorry.</p></li>
<li><p>I am talking here about the distress caused by mental health
issues that have direct connections to physicality—self- injuring in any
direct form; food, drugs, pain. The culturally uncomfortable diseases,
the its- personal- responsibility, and just-stop disorders. This is a
hidden topic of this text because I cared more about the pain
surrounding them and the reasons to hide rather than the grim
physicality of them all.</p></li>
<li><p>Of course, the river itself is not a river; its many confused
streams that believe themselves both the same and separate. I dont know
where Im going with this, I just dont love the river of normativity
and Id rather go swim in the ocean of dreams with you.</p></li>
<li><p>I heard the idea of living questions for the first time in
“Letters to A Young Poet” by Rainer Maria Rilke and then again on the
podcast On Being with Krista Tippet. It may be a bit transparent but
this entire text is informed by the concept of keeping the unsolved in
your heart and learning to love it. Not searching for the answers for we
cannot live them yet. The point is to live it all. It could be that at
some point we will live our way to an answer but it is feeling the
questions alive within us that is important. Do you?</p></li>
<li><p>If we were to be honest, the entire exercise of writing this for
you requires this very faith.</p></li>
<li><p>Was this the end of this story? In the epilogue, you sit your
body down and enter your computer. The air coming in from the window
smells wet and earthy, new. The sun shines low on the horizon. You log
in to the internet and realize you are being told a story. You start to
listen, carefully and, full of love, touch the story to let it know you
are there. Delicate-fingered, curious like a child holding a fallen
bird. I hold you and the story tentatively.</p></li>
</ol>
<h2 id="a-life-to-be-had">2. A LIFE TO BE HAD</h2>
<p><sup><span class="margin-note">Was this the end of this story? In the
epilogue, you sit your body down and enter your computer. The air coming
in from the window smells wet and earthy, new. The sun shines low on the
horizon. You log in to the internet and realize you are being told a
story. You start to listen, carefully and, full of love, touch the story
to let it know you are there. Delicate-fingered, curious like a child
holding a fallen bird. I hold you and the story tentatively.</p>
<p>I dont know if I am touching you, to tell you the truth. Digital
bodies are stories, like physical bodies are, like dreams are, and like
water is.</p>
@ -814,7 +835,7 @@ in a captcha. E5qr7. eSq9p. 8oc8y. Fuck. You try not to panic, but you
know you have been detected.</p>
<p>You pack up your things: the pie I made you, a love letter, two hands
made out of felt, a star, a door, a stuffed animal; and you leave
again.</p>
again.</span></sup></p>
<h2 id="references">references</h2>
<p>Adler, P.A. and Adler, P. (2008) The Cyber Worlds of self-injurers:
Deviant communities, relationships, and selves, Symbolic Interaction,
@ -868,9 +889,9 @@ University of Nebraska Press.</p>
<h3 id="section"></h3>
<figure>
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/wijnhaven.JPG"
alt="WDKA- Winjhaven Building- February 2024- reading of act0 “” and act1 “”" />
alt="WDKA- Winjhaven Building- February 2024- reading of act0 and act1" />
<figcaption aria-hidden="true">WDKA- Winjhaven Building- February 2024-
reading of act0 “” and act1 “”</figcaption>
reading of act0 and act1</figcaption>
</figure>
<p>This project appeared as a need to explore potential bureaucratic
dramaturgies within the educational institution I was part as a student.
@ -896,10 +917,20 @@ of Rotterdam I documented and archived throughout this period. I
preserved the sequence of the given sentences and by discarding the
graphic design of the initial forms, I structured and repurposed the
text into a playable scenario.</p>
<p><img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/call_scenario.png"
<figure>
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/call1.png"
alt="Act 2 “Call with the municipality about the rejection of my application”" />
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/deregistration1.png"
alt="Act 7 “Confirmation document of my deregistration”" /></p>
<figcaption aria-hidden="true">Act 2 “Call with the municipality about
the rejection of my application”</figcaption>
</figure>
<p><img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/call2.png" /></p>
<figure>
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/dereg1.png"
alt="Act 7 “Confirmation document of my deregistration”" />
<figcaption aria-hidden="true">Act 7 “Confirmation document of my
deregistration”</figcaption>
</figure>
<p><img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/dereg2.png" /></p>
<p>I perceive the document as a unit and as the fundamental symbolic
interface of the bureaucratic network. The transformation of the
materiality of a document into a scenario to be enacted collectively in
@ -946,12 +977,6 @@ of the municipality building.</p>
collectively voiced scenario. This audio piece is a constellation of
different recordings and soundscapes of these public moments, a vocal
archive, published in the graduation exhibition of XPUB in 2024.</p>
<figure>
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/passport1.png"
alt="XML at XPUB studio January 2024 - Passport Reading Session" />
<figcaption aria-hidden="true">XML at XPUB studio January 2024 -
Passport Reading Session</figcaption>
</figure>
</section>
@ -1302,40 +1327,8 @@ other.“Students and staff are treated as human capital” (Cunningham,
2017). This determination can dehumanize people involved, like when
“faculty-as-labor” and “students-as-consumers” are marginalized and
treated as just variables.</p>
<table>
<tbody>
<tr class="odd">
<td>|…………………*…………………|</td>
</tr>
<tr class="even">
<td>|………………………………………|</td>
</tr>
<tr class="odd">
<td>|………………………………………|</td>
</tr>
<tr class="even">
<td>|………………………………………|</td>
</tr>
<tr class="odd">
<td>|………………………………………|</td>
</tr>
<tr class="even">
<td>|………………………………………|</td>
</tr>
<tr class="odd">
<td>|………………………………………|</td>
</tr>
<tr class="even">
<td>| |</td>
</tr>
<tr class="odd">
<td>| … + |</td>
</tr>
</tbody>
</table>
<p>“t h e r e i s n o D O C U M E N T o f c i v i l i s a t i o n w h i
c h i s n o t a t t h e s a m e t i m e a d o c u m e n t o f b a r b a
r i s m” -Walter Benjamin- (Pater, 2021)</p>
<p>“there is no document of civilisation which is not at the same time a
document of barbarism” -Walter Benjamin- (Pater, 2021)</p>
<h4 id="t-h-e-d-o-c-u-m-e-n-t">t h e d o c u m e n t</h4>
<p>From fences and armed police to nation-state mechanism of
less-material bordering to bureaucracy to the elements of bureaucracy to
@ -1454,9 +1447,12 @@ within its structures and foundations does not permit any questioning
but on the contrary creates “willful blindness” towards them(15).
Bureaucracies are not stupid inherently rather they manage and coerce
processes that reproduce docile and stupid behaviors.</p>
<p>[ The birthday biscuit that Chae made, re-creating the Dutch
government form ]</p>
<hr />
<figure>
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/chae_form.jpg"
alt="The birthday biscuit that Chae made, re-creating the Dutch government form" />
<figcaption aria-hidden="true">The birthday biscuit that Chae made,
re-creating the Dutch government form</figcaption>
</figure>
<h3 id="v-o-c-a-l-a-r-c-h-i-v-e-s-t-a-l-k-i-n-g-d-o-c-u-m-e-n-t-s">v o c
a l a r c h i v e s t a l k i n g d o c u m e n t s</h3>
<p>This chapter is mainly a constellation of some prototypes I created
@ -1545,8 +1541,12 @@ these metrics are twofold: they play a role in the marketing sphere,
attracting potential students to the university as well as they are
utilized in interactions and negotiations with the government, which
increasingly cuts budgets allocated to universities.</p>
<p>[ The linguistic experiment of the Quality Assurance Questionnaire
Document ]</p>
<figure>
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/quality.jpg"
alt="The linguistic experiment of the Quality Assurance Questionnaire Document" />
<figcaption aria-hidden="true">The linguistic experiment of the Quality
Assurance Questionnaire Document</figcaption>
</figure>
<h4 id="section-1">2.</h4>
<p>Title: “Department of Bureaucracy and Administration Customs
Enforcement” When: November 2023 Where: Leeszaal(17) Who: XPUB peers,
@ -1574,10 +1574,18 @@ such acts are not expected to be performed, evoked contradictory
feelings or thoughts. Over-identifying with a role was being
instrumentalized as an “interrogation” of ones own involvement in the
reproduction of social discourses, power, authority, hegemony.</p>
<p>[Leeszaal West Rotterdam - November 2023 People queuing(18) to
receive their documents and sign ]</p>
<p>[ One of the forms that the audience had to fill out during the
Lesszaal event ]</p>
<figure>
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/queue.jpg"
alt="Leeszaal West Rotterdam - November 2023 People queuing(18) to receive their documents and sign" />
<figcaption aria-hidden="true">Leeszaal West Rotterdam - November 2023
People queuing(18) to receive their documents and sign</figcaption>
</figure>
<figure>
<img src="../images/../images/../aglaia/mitsi.jpg"
alt="One of the forms that the audience had to fill out during the Lesszaal event" />
<figcaption aria-hidden="true">One of the forms that the audience had to
fill out during the Lesszaal event</figcaption>
</figure>
<h4 id="section-2">3.</h4>
<p>Title: “Passport Reading Session” When: January 2024 Where: XML
XPUB studio Who: Ada, Aglaia, Stephen, Joseph</p>
@ -1607,8 +1615,9 @@ paths, how departure or arrival is smooth or cruel. Are there emotions
along the way? For some people these are documents “that embody power —
minimal or no waiting, peaceful departure, warm and confident arrival”
(Khosravi, 2021).</p>
<p>[ Part of the A6 booklet of the transcription of the passport
readings session ] x2</p>
<p><a href="../aglaia/passport1.png">Part of the A6 booklet of the
transcription of the passport readings session</a></p>
<p><a href="../aglaia/passport2.png"></a></p>
<h4 id="section-3">4.</h4>
<p>Title: “Postal Address Application Scenario” When: February 2024
Where: Room in Wijnhaven Building, 4th floor Who: XPUB 1,2,3, tutors,
@ -1650,15 +1659,13 @@ unconscious) performativity of “real” bureaucratic rituals establishes
and empowers (bureaucratic) institutions through repetitive acts. These
theatrical moments attempt to highlight the shrouded performative
elements of these processes.</p>
<p>[ A6 booklet of the first chapter of the “theatrical” scenario
created out of the Postal Address Application documents and performed by
XPUB peers ] x2</p>
<hr />
<h3 id="instead-of-c-o-n-c-l-u-s-i-o-n">(instead of) c o n c l u s i o
n</h3>
<p><a href="../aglaia/postal.png">A6 booklet of the first chapter of the
“theatrical” scenario created out of the Postal Address Application
documents and performed by XPUB peers</a></p>
<h3 id="c-o-n-c-l-u-s-i-o-n">c o n c l u s i o n</h3>
<h4
id="next-chapters-of-the-case-with-reference-number-a.b.2024.4.03188">(next
chapters of the case with reference number A.B.2024.4.03188)</h4>
id="next-chapters-of-the-case-with-reference-number-a.b.2024.4.03188">next
chapters of the case with reference number A.B.2024.4.03188</h4>
<p>I expanded the “play” by incorporating additional “scenes” sourced
again from the documents accompanying the ongoing “conversation with the
government”. Two weeks after submitting my application for a short-term
@ -1695,9 +1702,8 @@ future applicants, traumatized students, injured bearers, bureaucratic
border crossers, stressed expired document holders or just curious
people to share, vocalize, talk through, read out loud, amplify,
(un)name, unplace, dismantle the injurious words of these artifacts.</p>
<p>[ Part of A6 booklet scenarios of the next chapters of my
bureaucratic story aimed to be performed ] x2</p>
<hr />
<p><a href="../aglaia/objection1.png"></a> <a
href="../aglaia/objection2.png"></a></p>
<h4 id="we-didnt-cross-the-border-the-border-crossed-us20">“we didnt
cross the border, the border crossed us”(20)</h4>
<p>As I sit in the waiting area at the gate B7 in the airport preparing
@ -1802,7 +1808,6 @@ in an efficiently defined area.</li>
<li>Vosk is an offline open-source speech recognition toolkit</li>
<li>US Immigrant Rights Movement Slogan (Keshavarz, 2016)</li>
</ol>
<hr />
<h3 id="r-e-f-e-r-e-n-c-e-s">r e f e r e n c e s</h3>
<p>Agamben, G. (2000) Means without end: Notes on politics. Minneapolis,
MN: University of Minnesota Press. Anzaldua, G. (1987) Borderlands - la

@ -74,6 +74,20 @@ a{
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@page:right{
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body .margin-note{
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