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@ -298,3 +298,796 @@ body died. By doing so, he was starting to blend the
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boundaries of intimacy through computers and bodies,
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driven by his love and grief. (4)
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When he talked about the bot in previous messages, it
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sounded almost like a joke. A caring haunting of the
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platform, to keep his persona alive for the community
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in a way that could be quite horrific for those grieving.
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In his admission though it becomes clear that this was
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closer to an attempt to deal with his grief around losing
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the community, his unreadiness to let go of a place he
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loved so dearly. A place just as real in emotion, that
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was built in part by Mandel’s digital body and its
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persona.
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In a tribute posted after his death, fellow Well member
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and journalist Andrew Leonard tried to convey his own
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sense of blended physicality and emotion.
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Sneer all you want at the fleshlessness of online
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community, but on this night, as tears stream down my
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face for the third straight evening, it feels all too real.
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(Andrew Leonard, 1995)
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### c. bot-feelings
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An internet body has bot-feelings if allowed to. Let me
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explain.
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A bot functions as a different entity from a cyborg, as it
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does not attempt to emulate a human body but rather
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human action and readiness. Its role is to mirror
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human behavior online, simulating how a physical body
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might act, what it would click on, and what would it
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say. On social media, bots engage in a kind of
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interpretative dance of human interaction, performing
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based on instructions provided by humans. (5)
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Unlike an internet body, which represents the virtual
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embodiment of a person, a bot doesn’t seek to be a
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person. It comments under posts alongside many other
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bots, all under a fake name and photo but nothing else
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to give the illusion of humanity. When an internet body
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has bot-feelings, it is a disruptive performance. They
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are feelings that do not attempt to be human body
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feelings, they exist as their own genuine virtual
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expression.
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In “Virtual Intimacies”, McGlotten also incidentally
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argued that a virtual body has bot-feelings (2013). He
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described the virtual as potential, as a transcendent
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process of actualization, making it into, generally, a
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description of bots. Internet bodies, as virtual, would
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be by this understanding also charged with the
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constant immanent power to act and to feel like a
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human body. It is a constant state of becoming, of not-
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quite-pretending but never fully being anything either.
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Most of the time we can tell disembodied bots online
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from tangible people and as such they have the
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potential to be bodies, without ever trying to be.
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Of course, when McGlotten described the virtual as
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such he placed it in a dichotomy, once again, against
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the “Intimacies” which are the other side of his book.
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The emphasis here lies in intimacy being an embodied
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feeling and sense and a carnal one at that. Virtual
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intimacies are, by this definition, an inherent failed
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contradiction. However, McGlotten plays with the real
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and non-real in new ways, using the text to highlight
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how virtual intimacy is similar to physical intimacy and
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then, even more, blurring as he shows the already
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virtual in physical intimacies. Applying this to a body,
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rather than an affective experience, works just the
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same.
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McGlotten uses a conceptualization of the virtual
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based on the philosopher Deleuze’s, (6) which can be
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used to refer to a virtual body as well.
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The virtual is in this case a cluster of waiting,
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dreaming, and remembering, embodying potential.
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Something that is constantly becoming, an object and
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also the subject attributed to it (2001). An internet
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body with its bot-feelings is a body in the process of
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being one, acting as one, an ideal of one beyond what
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is physical but including its possibility.
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Going a step further in McGlotten’s interpretation of
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Deleuze, this also plays into how virtual intimacies
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mirror queer intimacies as they approach normative
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ideals but “can never arrive at them”. Both queer and
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virtual relations are imagined by a greater narrative as
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fantastical, simulated, immaterial, and artificial—poor
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imitations and perversions of a heterosexual,
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monogamous, and procreative marital partnership
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(2013). A virtual body is similarly immanent, with both
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potential and corruption at the same time. It carries all
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the neoliberal normative power of freedom that a
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queer body can carry today but also reflects the
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unseemly fleshly reality of having one.
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This is where the story continues. The body from the
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dream ocean leaves the primordial soup of the internet
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to stage a disruptive performance.
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It moves from potential creation to a wild spring river.
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A fluid being, that exists simultaneously inside and
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outside normative constructions. It channels deviant
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feelings and transcendental opinions about the
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collective’s physical form genuinely as people use it to
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navigate their physicality.
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Both virtual and queer intimacies highlight the
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constructed nature of identity and desire. They disrupt
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the notion of a fixed, essential self, instead embracing
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the multiplicity and complexity inherent in human
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experience. This destabilization of identity opens up
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possibilities for self-expression and connection,
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creating spaces where individuals can redefine
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themselves beyond the constraints of societal
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expectations while still technically under its watchful
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eye.
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In essence, the parallels between virtual and queer
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intimacies underscore the radical potential of both to
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disrupt and reimagine the norms that govern our
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understanding of relationships, bodies, and identity.
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They invite us to question the rigid binaries and
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hierarchies that structure our society and to embrace
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the fluidity and possibility inherent in the human
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experience.
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## 1.DIGITAL COMFORT
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The only laws:
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Be radiant.
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Be heavy.
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Be green.
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Tonight, the dead light up your mind
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like an image of your mind on a scientist’s screen.
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‘The scientists don’t know – and too much.’
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In the town square, in the heart of night (a delicacy
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like the heart of an artichoke), a man dances
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cheek-to-cheek with the infinite blue.
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(Schwartz, 2022)
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### a. comfort care
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Let’s care for this digital body.
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I’ll feed it virtual vegetables while you wipe away the
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wear of battery fatigue.
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And why not encourage it to take strolls through the
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network, it might be good for it.
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But what if it falls ill?
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What if its sickness is inherent, designed to echo like
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the distorted reflection of rippling water a corrupted,
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isolated, and repulsive physical form?
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Then we must comfort care for it.
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Comfort care is a key concept in healthcare, described
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as an art. It is the simple but not easy art of
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performing comforting actions by a nurse for a patient
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(Kolcaba, 1995). The nurse is in this story an artist full
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of intention, using the medium of comforting actions to
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produce the artwork of comfort for the uncomfortable.
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Subtle, subjective, and thorough. However, achieving
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comfort for another is far from straightforward. It
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demands addressing not only the physical but also the
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psychospiritual, environmental, and socio-cultural
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dimensions of distress, each requiring its blend of
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relief, ease, and transcendence (Kolcaba, 1995).
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In moments of need, digital comfort may become the
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only care certain digressive bodies receive. When the
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distress a body is in becomes too culturally
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uncomfortable, no nurse will come to check on it.
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If care is offered, it's often only with a desire to
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assimilate the divergent body back into expected
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standards of normalcy and ability. This leaves those
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with non-conforming bodies isolated, ashamed, and
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yearning for connection and acceptance (7)
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In the depths of isolation and confusion, marginalized
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bodies often look for belonging and understanding
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online. Gravitating towards one another with a hunger
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born of desperation, forming intimate bonds through
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shared pain. Through a shared sense of unwillingness,
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a lack of desire, and a desperate need for physical
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assimilation with the norm.
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The healthy body, the normal body, the loved body.
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On the internet, these digital bodies claw onto each
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other, holding each other close and comfort-caring for
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one another. The spaces where this happens are
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rooms, or corners of the internet that I’ll call back
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places. Back places were initially defined by the
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sociologist Goffman as symbolic spaces where
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stigmatized people did not need to hide their
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stigma(1963). In our story, backplaces are small rooms
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online, tender soft spaces reserved by those in terrible
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psychological pain themselves, where they can find
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relief, ease, and transcendence.
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Of course, when we speak of digital bodies, their
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physicality is not relevant. To comfort care for a digital
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body one would thus need to provide relief, ease, and
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transcendence for the mental, emotional, and spiritual;
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through the digital environment of the body and the
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interpersonal cultural relations of the individual.
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As with any place of healing, however, it is a transient
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place. It is an achy place, for the last step of the
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journey will see them leave the community and
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compassion that saw and sustained them.
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There is no other way for divergent people.
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### b. uncomfortable comfort
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In the past and the present, social scientists have
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studied the people in the corners of the internet,
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characterizing these spaces between people as
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deviant. Like children lifting stones to look at the bugs
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underneath— simultaneously repulsed and fascinated
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by the coherence discovered where once was
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separation. A partition that was then reinforced by the
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scientists themselves as they began documenting the
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bugs’ behavior. They eavesdropped on conversations,
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captured intimate moments, and asked again and again
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what made them so different. The more they probed,
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the more they made sure to separate their behavior
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from the norm to place the deviants against (Adler and
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Adler, 2005, 2008; Smith, Wickes & Underwood,
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2013).
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The concept of deviance, particularly concerning what
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people do with their bodies and how their bodies
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behave, I find inherently flawed. Observing from an
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artificial external standpoint only serves to further
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alienate those already marginalized. I like to approach
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my research into the intimacy and comfort care
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expressed in marginalized digital communities without
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the alienation of social science. There are many
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approaches one can take if one wishes to avoid this,
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and the one I am choosing to borrow is a mathematical
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approach to anthropology.
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I would like to borrow from mathematician Jörn
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Dunkel’s work in pattern formation. It’s a conscious
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choice to approach divergences in bodily behavior
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through their similarities, not differences. This includes
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specificities in atypicality, of course, but also the
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distinctions between me as the writer and them as the
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writer. You as the reader and you as the community.
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Me and you, as a whole. Both exist, both separate but
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in what is not of such importance.
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Though many of these systems are different,
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fundamentally, we can see similarities in the structure
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of their data. It’s very easy to find differences. What’s
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more interesting is to find out what’s similar.
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(Chu & Dunkel , 2021)
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Individuals who forge and inhabit these communities,
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fostering tender, intimate connections amongst
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themselves, are not deviant but rather divergent.
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Deviance involves bifurcation, a split estuary from the
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river of appropriate cultural behavior. (8)
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Divergence can be so much more than that.
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In mathematics, a divergent series extends infinitely
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without converging to a finite limit. A repetition of
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partial sums with no clear ending, never reaching zero.
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Mathematician Niels Abel once said that "divergent
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series are in general something fatal and it is a shame
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to base any proof on them. [..] The most essential part
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of mathematics has no foundation”(1826). Drawing a
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parallel to social relations would then imply that there
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is no end to divergence, too many paradoxes in the
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foundation of normativeness to base anything on it.
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Harmonic series are, on the other hand, also divergent
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series. They are infinite series formed by the
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summation of all positive unit fractions, named after
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music harmonics. The wavelengths of a vibrating string
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are a harmonic series. These series also find
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application in architecture, establishing harmonious
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relationships. Despite their integral role in human
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aesthetics, all harmonic series diverge, perpetually
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expanding without ever concluding. They embody a
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richness that transcends conventional boundaries,
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blending into one another infinitely.
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[Figure 1 - Harmonic Series to 32 (Hyacint,2017).]
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By likening digital bodies to divergent series, we
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embrace the complexity and infinite possibilities
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arising from their interconnectedness and deviation
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from the norm. However, it's crucial to note that the
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divergence I'm discussing here carries a halo of pain,
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accompanied by the requirement of bodily discomfort.
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There are other forms of divergence, ways to have
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different bodies that necessitate creating spaciousness
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around normativity to allow them grace to grow.
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The divergent digital bodies we are dancing with and
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caring for, however, are of a particular type. If we were
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to go back to our water stories, we’d see that the
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digital bodies we are following are painful ones. Cold,
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deep streams, hard to follow, hard to swim in. Their
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divergence from the norm makes them so.
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They have intricate relationships with themselves,
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existing in unstainable forms devoid of comfort,
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nourishment, or thriving. What does comfort mean for
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a body whose whole existence is uncomfortable?
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Moreover, what if the comfort care performed for
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these divergent bodies makes them too comfortable
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being in their pained state of self? Could they be? (9)
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Caring for a digital body involves providing it with
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space to live, giving its experimental bot-feelings
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tender attention, and revealing your own vulnerable
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digital body in response. It’s about giving it an
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audience, hands to hold, eyes that meet theirs in
|
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understanding. A rehearsal room, a pillow, a mirror.
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These rooms, backplaces scattered across the internet,
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are hidden enough to allow the divergent to comfort-
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care for one another, sometimes to the point where it is
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only the same type of divergent digital bodies reflecting
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back at each other.
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So far I have talked fondly of divergence and the
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harmony of divergent series, and the need to have no
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finite ending. I’d like to tell you a different story now.
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Divergent digital bodies are, by this point in our text,
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built and alive as they can be. They are many, they are
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together and seeing each other, producing harmonic
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waves. They are in backplaces on the internet, but they
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are less safe than they seem. They are themselves
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resonant echo chambers, with an ongoing risk of
|
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catastrophic acoustic resonance.
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Acoustic resonance is what happens when an acoustic
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system amplifies sound waves whose frequency
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matches one of its natural frequencies of vibration.
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The instrument of amplification is important for the
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harmonic series, for the music must not match exactly.
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An exact match will break it for the object seeks out its
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resonance. Resonating at the precise resonant
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frequency of a glass will shatter it. Digital bodies meet
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in these rooms, amplifying their own waves seeking
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resonance but the risk of an exact match is that it may
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shatter them. These spaces full of divergent digital
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bodies quickly grow unstable, tethering echo
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chambers. Rooms full of reflections, transforming what
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was once individual pain into a mirrored loop of
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anguish. Caring for your own and others’ bodies
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becomes increasingly difficult, making permanent
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residence in the mirror room unbearable. You all know
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you must leave before you meet your exact resonance.
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### c. unbearable intimacy
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This is the end of the story.
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Our digital bodies have a shape, a sense of life and
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death, and someone to care for us and to care for. We
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are alive and have found intimacy with each other.
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We live in the backplaces, hiding and being hidden
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online as we have been for years. We used to be on
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invitation-only forums, password-protected bulletin
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boards, or encrypted hashtags. Now we are alive in the
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glitches between pixels, in a shared language of
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numbers and acronyms and misdirection. Avoiding a
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content moderation algorithm, always hunting the
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dashboards of social media websites for visible pain it
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can cure by erasure. We cannot tell you where to find
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you or it might too. We try to stay alive, to hold each
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other, hiding behind code words, fake names, and
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photos. We care for each other as best we can, the
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blind leading the blind, the sick caring for the sick. We
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|
have brought our unseemliness, our gory gross bodies
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to each other and found tender intimacy and
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understanding.
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On good days, dashboards are full of goodbyes and my
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heart swells with hope, for those of us who make it and
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for the small bright light telling us that we may be one
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|
of them. At the same time, some of us leave only to
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come back ghosts of ourselves, hunting threads with
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the empty hope of missionaries.
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Don’t give up, it’s worth it!
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Most of us scoff at this. The idea of leaving only to
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come back and tell people you left is uncomfortable,
|
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|
the failed progress that washes away hope. A healed
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|
patient who regularly comes back to the hospital to
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|
encourage the sick, who wish to be anywhere but
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|
there. The genuine love and care within these
|
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|
|
communities transpire better under goodbye posts.
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|
When people do heal and shed their accounts’ skin,
|
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|
they often leave it surrounded by all those who once
|
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|
cared for the digital body within it.
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I’m so proud of you! Never come back,
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|
we love you so much.
|
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Recover, don’t come back.
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Recover, don’t come back.
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Recover, never come back.
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|
I had a conversation with a friend who once lived in
|
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|
these spaces between letters but has since moved
|
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|
|
outside them. When asked, he mentioned he could
|
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|
only find recovery by leaving that community. His body
|
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|
|
has changed since now it is the spitting image of a
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|
|
standard, healthy body. I didn’t ask, but he knew I’d
|
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|
wonder. He told me he didn’t like his new body and
|
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|
preferred the divergent one he once built himself.
|
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|
Why leave then? Why did you stop?
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Because that was no life.
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Now life sparkles, everything feels brighter
|
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|
and more exciting. I got my will to live
|
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|
back. Before, there was nothing but my
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|
body. I was willing to die for it.
|
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|
He pulls up the sleeve of his shirt to show me his
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|
shoulder, where he has tattooed a symbol for a
|
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|
|
community friend who died.
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I hope I never go back.
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I miss them every day.
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|
This is the last dichotomy. For the divergent digital
|
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|
|
body can’t stay in a Backplace for very long, the
|
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|
|
intimacy of it is unbearable. It is an intimacy that
|
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|
|
floods, and overruns.
|
|
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|
|
In their definition of intimacy in the context of a public
|
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|
|
|
surrounding a cultural phenomenon, the author Lauren
|
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|
|
Berlant denotes that intimacy itself always requires
|
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|
|
hopeful imagination. It requires belief in the existence
|
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|
|
of an ideal other who is emotionally attuned to one's
|
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|
|
own experiences and fantasies, conditioned by the
|
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|
|
same longings and with willing reciprocity (2008). (10)
|
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|
|
In the context of the intimacy of a Backplace, where
|
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|
|
divergent digital bodies have formed a community
|
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|
|
around existing outside the healthy and standard,
|
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|
|
longing and hopeful intimacy becomes a heavy-
|
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|
|
hearted and cardinal concept.
|
|
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|
|
Being in these rooms and finding care and love for
|
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|
|
|
others like you can be so uncomfortable when the
|
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|
|
|
longings, experiences, and fantasies you are sharing
|
|
|
|
|
are centered around pain. The shared cultural
|
|
|
|
|
experience of existing as a collective divergent digital
|
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|
|
body promises a fantasy of belonging, a collective
|
|
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|
|
hope, and commitment that is extremely fragile.
|
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|
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|
|
There is a duality then, if not a dichotomy. As a
|
|
|
|
|
divergent body, there is nothing you crave more than to
|
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|
|
be seen and to be loved in a space where you are safe,
|
|
|
|
|
where the faces looking at you are not repulsed but
|
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|
|
|
warm with familiarity. Yet, it is this very warmth that
|
|
|
|
|
becomes unbearable and an inherently traumatic
|
|
|
|
|
intimacy. Being loved at your worst, at your most
|
|
|
|
|
embarrassing, cultural borderline self is an agonizing
|
|
|
|
|
duality to deal with. McGlotten, who was referenced
|
|
|
|
|
earlier concerning the potential of bot-feelings of a
|
|
|
|
|
digital body, now comes back to remind us of their
|
|
|
|
|
impossibility. In his book, he talks of a digital intimacy
|
|
|
|
|
that inundates us and is both a source of connection
|
|
|
|
|
and disconnection (McGlotten, 2013). We are looking
|
|
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|
|
at a smaller scale than he does, but intimacy in the
|
|
|
|
|
context of shared vulnerability can be a need just as
|
|
|
|
|
intolerable.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
Certain kinds of witnessing can become curses, shivers
|
|
|
|
|
of resonance so close to an explosion of glass if only
|
|
|
|
|
you strike the cord that will keep me going.
|
|
|
|
|
Certain kinds of divergence can only end with leaving
|
|
|
|
|
or death, truth be told.
|
|
|
|
|
People in these bodies know this, even if the digital
|
|
|
|
|
bodies behave as if there is hope in a future where the
|
|
|
|
|
divergence brings joy to one’s life consistently. The
|
|
|
|
|
shared vulnerability itself then, is unbearable. I need
|
|
|
|
|
you to see me, I need you, who are just like me at my
|
|
|
|
|
worst, to love me. When you do, I can’t stand it. It
|
|
|
|
|
ruins both of us to be seen this way and we need it so
|
|
|
|
|
desperately. It has to exist and yet it can’t for long.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I leave even though I love all of your digital bodies.
|
|
|
|
|
I leave because I love you, little digital body and you
|
|
|
|
|
are me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
## 2. A LIFE TO BE HAD 11
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
## sidenotes
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
|
1. You’re dreaming
|
|
|
|
|
again, good.
|
|
|
|
|
Would you feel
|
|
|
|
|
closer to me if you
|
|
|
|
|
could hear my
|
|
|
|
|
voice?
|
|
|
|
|
Is my voice a sound?
|
|
|
|
|
Could it be a
|
|
|
|
|
feeling?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
2. I will be honest
|
|
|
|
|
with you, I have little
|
|
|
|
|
patience for this
|
|
|
|
|
recurring line of
|
|
|
|
|
thought that seeks to
|
|
|
|
|
distinguish people’s
|
|
|
|
|
noses from their
|
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|
|
|
hearts, as if there
|
|
|
|
|
was a physical love
|
|
|
|
|
that is the valuable
|
|
|
|
|
one and a virtual
|
|
|
|
|
imaginary one that is
|
|
|
|
|
feeble and
|
|
|
|
|
unworthy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
3. Initially, when a
|
|
|
|
|
member he often
|
|
|
|
|
argued with o ered
|
|
|
|
|
to pray for him
|
|
|
|
|
Mandel had
|
|
|
|
|
replied: “You can
|
|
|
|
|
shovel your self-
|
|
|
|
|
aggrandizing
|
|
|
|
|
sentiments up you
|
|
|
|
|
wide ass sideways
|
|
|
|
|
for the duration as
|
|
|
|
|
far as I'm
|
|
|
|
|
concerned." Later,
|
|
|
|
|
as the cancer
|
|
|
|
|
progressed: “I ain't
|
|
|
|
|
nearly as brave as
|
|
|
|
|
you all think. I am
|
|
|
|
|
scared silly of the
|
|
|
|
|
pain of dying this
|
|
|
|
|
way. I am not very
|
|
|
|
|
good at playing
|
|
|
|
|
saint. Pray for me,
|
|
|
|
|
please.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
4. It’s out of care
|
|
|
|
|
and not lack of
|
|
|
|
|
relevance that I am
|
|
|
|
|
not showing you
|
|
|
|
|
Mandel’s goodbye
|
|
|
|
|
message. It’s enough
|
|
|
|
|
to know he was deep
|
|
|
|
|
in the grief of having
|
|
|
|
|
to leave a
|
|
|
|
|
community he loved
|
|
|
|
|
and cared for and
|
|
|
|
|
that pain was felt in
|
|
|
|
|
every word.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
5. The first bot
|
|
|
|
|
communities on the
|
|
|
|
|
internet are now
|
|
|
|
|
born, half-
|
|
|
|
|
mistakenly. They are
|
|
|
|
|
always spiritual
|
|
|
|
|
communities posting
|
|
|
|
|
religious images
|
|
|
|
|
created by artificial
|
|
|
|
|
intelligence, all the
|
|
|
|
|
comments echoing
|
|
|
|
|
choirs of bots
|
|
|
|
|
praising. Amen,
|
|
|
|
|
amen, amen. I am
|
|
|
|
|
not naive, I know
|
|
|
|
|
they are built by
|
|
|
|
|
humans but it is this
|
|
|
|
|
performance of
|
|
|
|
|
religiosity that I am
|
|
|
|
|
interested in, and
|
|
|
|
|
how little humanity
|
|
|
|
|
is shown in it. It is
|
|
|
|
|
something else.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
6. A step in a step in
|
|
|
|
|
a step, sorry.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
7. I am talking here
|
|
|
|
|
about the distress
|
|
|
|
|
caused by mental
|
|
|
|
|
health issues that
|
|
|
|
|
have direct
|
|
|
|
|
connections to
|
|
|
|
|
physicality—self-
|
|
|
|
|
injuring in any direct
|
|
|
|
|
form; food, drugs,
|
|
|
|
|
pain. The culturally
|
|
|
|
|
uncomfortable
|
|
|
|
|
diseases, the it’s-
|
|
|
|
|
personal-
|
|
|
|
|
responsibility, and
|
|
|
|
|
just-stop disorders.
|
|
|
|
|
This is a hidden
|
|
|
|
|
topic of this text
|
|
|
|
|
because I cared
|
|
|
|
|
more about the pain
|
|
|
|
|
surrounding them
|
|
|
|
|
and the reasons to
|
|
|
|
|
hide rather than the
|
|
|
|
|
grim physicality of
|
|
|
|
|
them all.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
8. Of course, the
|
|
|
|
|
river itself is not a
|
|
|
|
|
river; it’s many
|
|
|
|
|
confused streams
|
|
|
|
|
that believe
|
|
|
|
|
themselves both the
|
|
|
|
|
same and separate. I
|
|
|
|
|
don’t know where
|
|
|
|
|
I’m going with this, I
|
|
|
|
|
just don’t love the
|
|
|
|
|
river of normativity
|
|
|
|
|
and I’d rather go
|
|
|
|
|
swim in the ocean of
|
|
|
|
|
dreams with you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
9. I heard the idea of
|
|
|
|
|
living questions for
|
|
|
|
|
the first time in
|
|
|
|
|
“Letters to A Young
|
|
|
|
|
Poet” by Rainer
|
|
|
|
|
Maria Rilke and then
|
|
|
|
|
again on the podcast
|
|
|
|
|
On Being with Krista
|
|
|
|
|
Tippet. It may be a
|
|
|
|
|
bit transparent but
|
|
|
|
|
this entire text is
|
|
|
|
|
informed by the
|
|
|
|
|
concept of keeping
|
|
|
|
|
the unsolved in your
|
|
|
|
|
heart and learning to
|
|
|
|
|
love it. Not
|
|
|
|
|
searching for the
|
|
|
|
|
answers for we
|
|
|
|
|
cannot live them yet.
|
|
|
|
|
The point is to live it
|
|
|
|
|
all. It could be that
|
|
|
|
|
at some point we will
|
|
|
|
|
live our way to an
|
|
|
|
|
answer but it is
|
|
|
|
|
feeling the questions
|
|
|
|
|
alive within us that is
|
|
|
|
|
important. Do you?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10. If we were to be
|
|
|
|
|
honest, the entire
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exercise of writing
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this for you requires
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this very faith.
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11. Was this the end of this story?
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In the epilogue, you sit your body down and enter your
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computer. The air coming in from the window smells wet and
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earthy, new. The sun shines low on the horizon.
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You log in to the internet and realize you are being told a story.
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You start to listen, carefully and, full of love, touch the story to
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let it know you are there. Delicate-fingered, curious like a child
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holding a fallen bird. I hold you and the story tentatively.
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I don’t know if I am touching you, to tell you the truth. Digital
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bodies are stories, like physical bodies are, like dreams are,
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and like water is.
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Stories that are hard to tell and hard to hear and even more,
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maybe, hard to understand. I have loved these stories and I
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have loved telling them to you. I hope you understand that my
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goal was for you to live these questions, to feel these stories in
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their confusion. My digital body, my bot-feelings, my divergent
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communities. I have given them to you, so they may live longer,
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like an obsolete but beloved cyborg shown in a museum.
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Look: I was here, Look: I was loved, Look: I was saved.
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The digital bodies that kept me alive, kept me from becoming
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fully a machine are no longer around in these online rooms.
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They are in different places, being touched by tentative hands,
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being loved for more than their divergence.
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I am too.
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The rooms, the backplaces, however, are still full of others, divergent
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digital bodies who did not leave, who keep caring for each other at the
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bottom of the whirlpool. There is no happy ending because there is no
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ending. They keep typing and hoping, writing their collective pain
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down on keyboards that transmit love letters to each other. I am not
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embarrassed by my care for you, but you may be so if it helps. I know
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how overwhelming intimacy can be.
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Telling you these stories was important for me, so much so that I will
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tell you so many more in a different place if you wish to listen to me
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longer. With this story, I dreamt of a digital body for you. It came from
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an ocean of dreams, into a primordial soup that gave it enough shape
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to become wild rivers, deep streams, sound waves. It flooded and
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now, it leaves. A digital body that grew its own feelings, looked for
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others like it, and realized its divergence and the need to leave. A
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dream body, a primordial body, a disruptive body, a divergent body,
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and now, a leaving body. This last story, however, of the leaving and
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loving body, is yet to be told.
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The sun is now almost up, and the birds are alive and awake, telling
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each other stories just outside the room. We don’t have so much time
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left. I have made you something, to tell your digital body the stories of
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the leaving and loving body. It is a webpage, the address is
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adadesign.nl/backplaces.
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You open the page, and you are asked to write the characters you see
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in a captcha. E5qr7.
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eSq9p.
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8oc8y.
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Fuck.
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You try not to panic, but you know you have been detected.
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You pack up your things: the pie I made you, a love letter, two
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hands made out of felt, a star, a door, a stuffed animal; and
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you leave again.
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## references
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Adler, P.A. and Adler, P. (2008) ‘The Cyber Worlds of
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self-injurers: Deviant communities, relationships, and
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selves’, Symbolic Interaction, 31(1), pp. 33–56.
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doi:10.1525/si.2008.31.1.33.
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Berlant, L.G. (2008) The female complaint the
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unfinished business of sentimentality in American
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culture. Durham: Duke University Press.
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Chu, J. (2021) Looking for similarities across Complex
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Systems, MIT News | Massachusetts Institute of
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Technology. Available at:
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https://news.mit.edu/2021/jorn-dunkel-complex-
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systems-0627 (Accessed: 08 March 2024).
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Deleuze, G., Boyman, A. and Rajchman, J. (2001) Pure
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immanence: Essays on a life. New York: Zone Books.
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Goffman, E. (2022) Stigma: Notes on the management
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of spoiled identity. London: Penguin Classics.
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Hafner, K. (1997) The epic saga of the well, Wired.
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Available at: https://www.wired.com/1997/05/ff-well/
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(Accessed: 01 February 2024).
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Haraway, D.J. (2000) ‘A cyborg manifesto: Science,
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technology, and socialist-feminism in the late twentieth
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century’, Posthumanism, pp. 69–84. doi:10.1007/978-
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1-137-05194-3_10.
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Hyacint (2017) Harmonic series to 32,
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https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Harmonic_series_to_32.svg.
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Kolcaba, K.Y. and Kolcaba, R.J. (1991) ‘An analysis of
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the concept of comfort’, Journal of Advanced Nursing,
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16(11), pp. 1301–1310. doi:10.1111/j.1365-
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2648.1991.tb01558.x.
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Leonard, A. (no date) All Too Real,
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https://people.well.com/. Available at:
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https://people.well.com/user/cynsa/tom/tom14.html
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(Accessed: 01 April 2024).
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McGlotten, S. (2013) Virtual intimacies: Media, affect,
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and queer sociality [Preprint]. doi:10.1353
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book27643.
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Rumi, J. al-Din and Barks, C. (1995) ‘Story Water’, in
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The Essential Rumi. New
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Schwartz, C. (2022) Lecture on Loneliness, Granta.
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Available at: https://granta.com/lecture-on-loneliness/
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(Accessed: 08 March 2024).
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Smith, N., Wickes, R. and Underwood, M. (2013)
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‘Managing a marginalised identity in pro-anorexia and
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fat acceptance cybercommunities’, Journal of
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Sociology, 51(4), pp. 950–967.
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doi:10.1177/1440783313486220.
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Yun, J. (2020) ‘The Leaving Season’, in Some Are
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Always Hungry. University of Nebraska Press.
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