diff --git a/ada/thesis.md b/ada/thesis.md index 86b2a48..4d27ff6 100644 --- a/ada/thesis.md +++ b/ada/thesis.md @@ -1,1244 +1,300 @@ +--- +title: : A narrative exploration of +divergent digital intimacies +author: Ada -> \ +--- -A narrative exploration - -of divergent digital - -intimacies. - -*\: A narrative exploration of divergent digital -intimacies.* - -Ada Varriale - -Thesis submitted to: the Department of Experimental Publishing,Piet -Zwart Institute, Willem de Kooning Academy,in partial fulfillment of the -requirements for the final examination for the degree of:Master of Arts -in Fine Art & Design: Experimental Publishing. - -Adviser: Marloes de Valk\ -Second Reader: Natasha Soorbramanien Word count: 6809 - -Fonts: Terminal Grotesque by Raphaël Bastide, with the contribution of -Jérémy Landes. Distributed by velvetyne.fr. - - -> Water, stories, the body, all the things we do, are mediums\ -> that hide and show what's hidden. +# : A narrative exploration of divergent digital intimacies +Water, stories, the body, +all the things we do, are +mediums +that hide and show what’s +hidden. (Rumi, 1995 translation) - -> **꙳**[for you]{.underline} -> -> All intimacy is about bodies. -> -> Is this true? Does it matter? I doubt it. Do you know? Let's find out, -> maybe. -> -> Once, I thought that everything in the world was either one or zero -> and that there was a harsh straight line between them. Then I found -> out you could step or hop across the line, back and forth, if others -> showed you how. Today, I am no less binary, no less interested in -> dichotomies, but I am willing to dance through them if you are too. -> Can we dance these dichotomies together, embracing the contradictions -> of the virtual and\ -> physical, the comfortable and uncomfortable, intimate and -> non-intimate? I can't do it alone, the subject is too heavy and the -> binary is too 1011000. I won't ask you to resolve these -> contradictions, I have no desire to. -> -> Instead, I hope we can cultivate the tension and\ -> tenderness inherent in holding together incompatible truths because -> both prove necessary. -> -> To dance through these dichotomies I will start in a specific -> position, growing from Donna Haraway's in 'A Cyborg Manifesto". In her -> essay, Haraway explores the concept of a cyborg as a rejection of -> boundaries\ -> between humans, animals, and machines. A symbol for a feminist -> posthuman theory that embraces the\ -> plasticity of identity. Before she does all this dancing, however, she -> takes a strong stance of blasphemy. She engages seriously with -> traditional notions of feminism and identity but with irony, not -> apostasy, which is to - - - -say without full rejection---without unbelief. - -My position as I jump will be the same as hers, ironic faith. My mocking -is grave but caring and my primary aim is for us only to spin fast -enough not to see the line anymore, while still being able to see the -binaries. It won't be an easy dance for us but I will do my best to keep -softening for you, I promise. - -I will show you a digital body, make it comfortable and then -uncomfortable, lightly intimate, and richly\ -intimate. I have my own story, my own digital body, of course. This is -where I take my second stance,\ -however. This time, the position is Lauren Berlant's, from 'The Female -Complaint'. The book places\ -individual stories as inescapable autobiographies of a collective -experience and uses the personal to explain an intimate general -experience. In our story, the\ -difference between my body and the collective digital body is -unimportant, I hope you see that. I will tell you my story if you know -how to look, but I will tell you through the stories of many others who -shared them with me. I have no other choice, every time I have tried to -tell this story a chorus of voices has come out. - -Some of the stories I will tell you will carry memories of pain; -physical and emotional. I will keep holding you while you hear this, but -your limbs may still feel too heavy to dance. In that case, I give you -my full\ -permission to skip, jump, or lay down completely. This is not -choreographed and I care deeply for you. +## ꙳for you + +All intimacy is about bodies. +Is this true? Does it matter? I doubt it. Do you know? +Let’s find out, maybe. + +Once, I thought that everything in the world was either +one or zero and that there was a harsh straight line +between them. Then I found out you could step or hop +across the line, back and forth, if others showed you +how. Today, I am no less binary, no less interested in +dichotomies, but I am willing to dance through them if +you are too. Can we dance these dichotomies together, +embracing the contradictions of the virtual and +physical, the comfortable and uncomfortable, intimate +and non-intimate? I can’t do it alone, the subject is too +heavy and the binary is too 1011000. I won’t ask you +to resolve these contradictions, I have no desire to. +Instead, I hope we can cultivate the tension and +tenderness inherent in holding together incompatible +truths because both prove necessary. + +To dance through these dichotomies I will start in a +specific position, growing from Donna Haraway’s in ‘A +Cyborg Manifesto”. In her essay, Haraway explores the +concept of a cyborg as a rejection of boundaries +between humans, animals, and machines. A symbol for +a feminist posthuman theory that embraces the +plasticity of identity. Before she does all this dancing, +however, she takes a strong stance of blasphemy. She +engages seriously with traditional notions of feminism +and identity but with irony, not apostasy, which is to say without full rejection—without unbelief. +My position as I jump will be the same as hers, ironic +faith. My mocking is grave but caring and my primary +aim is for us only to spin fast enough not to see the line +anymore, while still being able to see the binaries. It +won’t be an easy dance for us but I will do my best to +keep softening for you, I promise. + +I will show you a digital body, make it comfortable and +then uncomfortable, lightly intimate, and richly +intimate. I have my own story, my own digital body, of +course. This is where I take my second stance, +however. This time, the position is Lauren Berlant’s, +from ‘The Female Complaint’. The book places +individual stories as inescapable autobiographies of a +collective experience and uses the personal to explain +an intimate general experience. In our story, the +difference between my body and the collective digital +body is unimportant, I hope you see that. I will tell you +my story if you know how to look, but I will tell you +through the stories of many others who shared them +with me. I have no other choice, every time I have tried +to tell this story a chorus of voices has come out. + +Some of the stories I will tell you will carry memories +of pain; physical and emotional. I will keep holding you +while you hear this, but your limbs may still feel too +heavy to dance. In that case, I give you my full +permission to skip, jump, or lay down completely. This +is not choreographed and I care deeply for you. I love you and hope you see what I saw in these stories. Safe dreams now, I will talk to you soon. - - -------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I N D E X - -------------- -------------- -------------- -------------- -------------- - - -------------------------------------------------------------------------- - -> ꙳[for you -p6 0. DIGITAL]{.underline}\ -> [BODIES p10]{.underline}\ -> a. what is a digital body? -> -> [p12]{.underline}\ -> [b. body vs. computer p15 c. bot-feelings p20 1. DIGITAL COMFORT p24 -> a. comfort care p26 b. uncomfortable comfort p29 c. unbearable -> intimacy p34 2. A LIFE TO BE HAD p38]{.underline}**꙳** [REFERENCES -> p44]{.underline} - - - -> [0. DIGITAL BODIES]{.underline}\ -> +## 0. DIGITAL BODIES I think the worst must be finished. - -Whether I am right, don't tell me. - -Don't tell me. - -No ringlet of bruise,\ -no animal face, the waters salt me\ -and I leave it barefoot. I leave you, season of still tongues, of roses -on nightstands beside crushed beer cans. I leave you\ -white sand and scraped knees. I leave this myth in which I am pig, -whose\ -death is empty allegory. I leave, I leave---At the end of this story,\ -I walk into the sea\ -and it chooses\ +Whether I am right, don’t tell me. +Don’t tell me. +No ringlet of bruise, +no animal face, the waters salt me +and I leave it barefoot. I leave you, season +of still tongues, of roses on nightstands +beside crushed beer cans. I leave you +white sand and scraped knees. I leave +this myth in which I am pig, whose +death is empty allegory. I leave, I leave— +At the end of this story, +I walk into the sea +and it chooses not to drown me. - (Yun, 2020) - -> [a. what is a digital body?]{.underline} -> -> A digital body is a body on the Internet. -> -> A body outside the internet is simply a body. On the internet, -> discussions about corporeality transcend the limitations of -> physicality, shaping and reshaping\ -> narratives surrounding the self. This text explores the intricate -> dynamics within these conversations, dancing at the interplay between -> tangible bodies and their digital counterparts. The construction of a -> digital body is intricately intertwined with these online dialogues, -> necessitating engaged reconstructions of the narratives surrounding -> physical existence. Yet, the resulting\ -> digital body is a complex and contradictory entity, embodying the -> nuances of both its virtual and tangible origins. -> -> There is a specific metaphor that would allow us to better carry these -> contradictions as we further explore digital bodies. Do you remember -> that dream you had about deep ocean pie? Allow me to remind you. -> -> You were walking on the shore, slowly, during a\ -> summer that happened a long time ago. Your skin was warm and you could -> feel the wet cool sand sticking to your feet. The gentle lapping of -> the waves washed the sand away as you walked towards the ocean. You -> stepped, stepped. Then dove. Underwater, the sea unfolded deeper than -> you remembered. It was a\ -> vibrant display of life: bright schools of small fish, and tall -> colorful, waving corals. It looked like that\ -> aquarium you saw once as a kid. Your arms moved confusingly through -> the water as if you were wading - - - -through a soup or were terribly tired. On the sandy ocean floor, you saw -a dining table. - -It had a floating white tablecloth, one plate, a fork, and a pie in the -center of it, on a serving dish. You sat on a chair but could not feel -it underneath you. You ate a heaping slice of pie. It had a -buttery-cooked carrots filling. You woke up. - -In the world, the sun was still timid and your bedroom thick with sleep. -What a weird dream. You rubbed your face, sat up on your bed, and drank -the glass of water next to you. You felt full, as if you just ate a -plateful of carrot pie. - -There were two bodies in this story. An awake one and a dream one, an -ocean one. In dreams, bodies have their own set of rules, often blurring -the boundaries between waking and sleeping, wanting and fearing. - -Digital bodies are very similar to dream bodies. They exhibit a similar -fluidity and abstraction, a defiance of traditional notions of -physicality. They share the\ +### a. what is a digital body? + +A digital body is a body on the Internet. +A body outside the internet is simply a body. On the +internet, discussions about corporeality transcend the +limitations of physicality, shaping and reshaping +narratives surrounding the self. This text explores the +intricate dynamics within these conversations, dancing +at the interplay between tangible bodies and their +digital counterparts. The construction of a digital body +is intricately intertwined with these online dialogues, +necessitating engaged reconstructions of the narratives +surrounding physical existence. Yet, the resulting +digital body is a complex and contradictory entity, +embodying the nuances of both its virtual and tangible +origins. + +There is a specific metaphor that would allow us to +better carry these contradictions as we further explore +digital bodies. Do you remember that dream you had +about deep ocean pie? Allow me to remind you. + +You were walking on the shore, slowly, during a +summer that happened a long time ago. Your skin was +warm and you could feel the wet cool sand sticking to +your feet. The gentle lapping of the waves washed the +sand away as you walked towards the ocean. You +stepped, stepped. Then dove. Underwater, the sea +unfolded deeper than you remembered. It was a +vibrant display of life: bright schools of small fish, and +tall colorful, waving corals. It looked like that +aquarium you saw once as a kid. Your arms moved +confusingly through the water as if you were wading through a soup or were terribly tired. On the sandy +ocean floor, you saw a dining table. +It had a floating white tablecloth, one plate, a fork, and +a pie in the center of it, on a serving dish. You sat on a +chair but could not feel it underneath you. You ate a +heaping slice of pie. It had a buttery-cooked carrots +filling. You woke up. +In the world, the sun was still timid and your bedroom +thick with sleep. What a weird dream. You rubbed your +face, sat up on your bed, and drank the glass of water +next to you. You felt full, as if you just ate a plateful of +carrot pie. + +There were two bodies in this story. An awake one and +a dream one, an ocean one. In dreams, bodies have +their own set of rules, often blurring the boundaries +between waking and sleeping, wanting and fearing. +Digital bodies are very similar to dream bodies. They +exhibit a similar fluidity and abstraction, a defiance of +traditional notions of physicality. They share the blurring and inherent potential nature of dream bodies. - -They are slower, stronger, and different. They switch and change and -melt into each other, they lose and regrow limbs, they run sluggishly -and fly smoothly. If we scream in our dreams, we sometimes wake up still -screaming. Our waking bodies react to our dream bodies, they have the -same tears, the same orgasms, the same drives. - -This is a story of two bodies, same but different, influenced but not -driven. - -A tangible body, full of fluids and organs, emotions and feelings. -Cartilage, bacteria, bones, and nerve\ -endings. A digital body, cable-veined and loud-vented, shiny and -loading. - - - -> The digital body is ethereal and abstracted,\ -> embarrassing, graphic, and real but not physical. -> -> This is the beginning. - - - -> [b. body vs. computer]{.underline} -> -> Framing the discourse around bodies on the internet as a clear-cut -> dichotomy feels clunky in today's internet landscape. The web is today -> available by body, cyborg dimensions of the internet of bodies, or -> virtual and augmented realities, creating a complex interplay\ -> between having a body and existing online. -> -> As intricate as this dance is now, it certainly did not begin that -> way. It started with what felt like a very serious and tangible line -> drawn by very serious\ -> tangible people; this is real life and this is virtual life. -> -> Even people like Howard Rheingold, pioneers who approached early -> virtual life with enthusiasm and care, couldn't escape characterizing -> it as a "bloodless\ -> technological ritual" (1993). Rheingold was an early member of The -> Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link (Well), a seminal virtual community built -> in the 1980s that was renowned for its impact on digital culture and -> played a pivotal role in shaping what would become the\ -> landscape of the Internet. Rheingold's reflections on his experience -> on this primordial soup of the Internet offer insight into the initial -> conceptualizations of online life by those joyfully participating. -> -> In "The Virtual Community", Rheingold offers a\ -> heartfelt tribute to intimacy and affection through web-based -> interactions which, at the time, were unheard of. He struggles in his -> efforts to highlight the legitimacy of his connections, finding no way -> to do so except by emphasizing their tangible bodily experiences. -> -> The community's claim to authenticity thus had to lie - - - -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| 1\. You're dreaming again, good. | > in the physical experiences of | -| | > its members--- the visible | -| Would you feel\ | > bodies and hearable voices, the | -| closer to me if you could hear | > weddings, births, and funerals | -| my\ | > (1993).1. | -| voice? | > | -| | > Even then, and even by people | -| Is my voice a sound? | > with no interest in\ | -| | > undermining the value of the | -| Could it be a feeling? | > virtual, the distinction | -| | > between physical and virtual | -| 2\. I will be honest\ | > was confusing. Rheingold | -| with you, I have little patience | > himself reinforces the boundary | -| for this\ | > of body relations and computer | -| recurring line of\ | > relations by referring to his | -| thought that seeks to distinguish | > family as a\ | -| people's noses from their\ | > "flesh-and-blood family' and | -| hearts, as if there\ | > his close online friends | -| was a physical love that is the | > as"unfamiliar faces" (1993). | -| valuable one and a virtual\ | > Constantly interplaying\ | -| imaginary one that is feeble and\ | > digital connections with the | -| unworthy. | > physical characteristics of the | -| | > kind of connections people | -| | > valued before the\ | -| | > internet. 2 | -| | > | -| | > In any case, his primary | -| | > interest seemed to be to | -| | > emphasize computer relations as | -| | > valid forms of connection | -| | > between bodies, not to talk of | -| | > any\ | -| | > distinction quite yet. It's the | -| | > eighties, the internet is still | -| | > fresh and new and the | -| | > possibility to form close | -| | > relations with strangers online | -| | > seems fragile and concerning | -| | > yet exciting. This is the | -| | > clearest the distinction | -| | > between in-real-life and online | -| | > has ever been and it's still | -| | > fuzzy and unclear. | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - -> At the same time and in the same digital space as\ -> Rheingold, there was another man, a digital body being formed. This is -> our second story, the ocean body we dreamt of earlier is now in a -> digital primordial soup, questioning itself and stuck between staying -> and\ -> leaving. In this story, its name is Tom Mandel and\ -> when he died, he did so on the Well. -> -> Mandel was a controversial and popular figure in this pioneering -> virtual community. According to many other - - - -members, Tom Mandel embodied the essence of the Well---its history, its -voice, its attitude. Mandel\'s\ -snarky and verbose provocations started heated\ -discussions, earning him warnings such as \"Don\'t Feed The Mandel!" -(Leonard, 1995). His sharp comments often stirred emotions that reminded -people of family arguments, fuelling an intimacy that was characteristic -of the Well: both public and solitary (Hafner, 1997). - -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| Until 1995, Mandel had done a | > 3\. Initially, when a member he | -| quite rigorous job of keeping his | > often argued with oered to pray | -| body separate from The Well and | > for him\ | -| had never attended any of the | > Mandel had\ | -| physical in-person meetings from | > replied: "You can\ | -| the community. His only | > shovel your self-\ | -| references to being a body had | > aggrandizing\ | -| been on the "health" online | > sentiments up you wide ass | -| conference, where he often talked | > sideways for the duration as | -| about his illnesses. | > far as I\'m\ | -| | > concerned.\" Later, as the | -| One day, after nearly a decade of | > cancer\ | -| daily interaction, he posted he | > progressed: "I ain\'t nearly as | -| had got the flu and that he felt | > brave as you all think. I am | -| quite ill. | > scared silly of the pain of | -| | > dying this\ | -| When people wished for him to get | > way. I am not very good at | -| well soon, he\ | > playing\ | -| replied he had gone to get tested | > saint. Pray for me, please. | -| and was waiting for a diagnosis. | | -| This way, when cancer was found | | -| in his lungs, the community was | | -| first to know. In the\ | | -| following six months, as his | | -| illness progressed, the community | | -| followed closely (Hafner, 1997). | | -| | | -| They were first to know when | | -| Nana, a community member with | | -| whom he had had a publicly | | -| turbulent relationship, flew to | | -| California to marry him. The | | -| community was a witness and is | | -| now an archive of his declining | | -| wit as cancer spread to his brain | | -| and his famously articulate and | | -| scathing comments got\ | | -| shorter, fearful, and more | | -| tender.3 | | -| | | -| Before he posted his final | | -| goodbye, he chose to do one last | | -| thing. Together with another | | -| member, they\ | | -| programmed a bot that posted | | -| randomly characteristic comments | | -| from Mandel on The Well---the | | -| Mandelbot.ff | | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - - - -> In the topic he had opened to say goodbye, he posted this message -> about the bot: -> -> I had another motive in opening this topic to tell the truth, one that -> winds its way through almost everything I\'ve done online in the five -> months since my cancer was diagnosed. I figured that, like everyone -> else, my\ -> physical self wasn\'t going to survive forever and I guess I was going -> to have less time than actuarials allocateus \[actually allocated\]. -> But if I could reach out and touch everyone I knew on-line\... I could -> toss out bits and pieces of my virtual self and the memes that make up -> Tom Mandel, and then when my body died, I wouldn\'t really have to -> leave\... Large chunks of me would also be here, part of this new -> space. - +They are slower, stronger, and different. They switch +and change and melt into each other, they lose and +regrow limbs, they run sluggishly and fly smoothly. If +we scream in our dreams, we sometimes wake up still +screaming. Our waking bodies react to our dream +bodies, they have the same tears, the same orgasms, +the same drives. + +This is a story of two bodies, same but different, +influenced but not driven. +A tangible body, full of fluids and organs, emotions and +feelings. Cartilage, bacteria, bones, and nerve +endings. A digital body, cable-veined and loud-vented, +shiny and loading. + +The digital body is ethereal and abstracted, +embarrassing, graphic, and real but not physical. + +This is the beginning. + +### b. body vs. computer + +Framing the discourse around bodies on the internet as +a clear-cut dichotomy feels clunky in today’s internet +landscape. The web is today available by body, cyborg +dimensions of the internet of bodies, or virtual and +augmented realities, creating a complex interplay +between having a body and existing online. + +As intricate as this dance is now, it certainly did not +begin that way. It started with what felt like a very +serious and tangible line drawn by very serious +tangible people; this is real life and this is virtual life. +Even people like Howard Rheingold, pioneers who +approached early virtual life with enthusiasm and care, +couldn’t escape characterizing it as a “bloodless +technological ritual” (1993). Rheingold was an early +member of The Whole Earth ‘Lectronic Link (Well), a +seminal virtual community built in the 1980s that was +renowned for its impact on digital culture and played a +pivotal role in shaping what would become the +landscape of the Internet. Rheingold’s reflections on +his experience on this primordial soup of the Internet +offer insight into the initial conceptualizations of online +life by those joyfully participating. + +In “The Virtual Community”, Rheingold offers a +heartfelt tribute to intimacy and affection through web- +based interactions which, at the time, were unheard of. +He struggles in his efforts to highlight the legitimacy of +his connections, finding no way to do so except by +emphasizing their tangible bodily experiences. +The community’s claim to authenticity thus had to lie in the physical experiences of its members— the visible +bodies and hearable voices, the weddings, births, and +funerals (1993). (1). + +Even then, and even by people with no interest in +undermining the value of the virtual, the distinction +between physical and virtual was confusing. Rheingold +himself reinforces the boundary of body relations and +computer relations by referring to his family as a +“flesh-and-blood family’ and his close online friends as +“unfamiliar faces” (1993). Constantly interplaying +digital connections with the physical characteristics of +the kind of connections people valued before the +internet. (2) + +In any case, his primary interest seemed to be to +emphasize computer relations as valid forms of +connection between bodies, not to talk of any +distinction quite yet. It’s the eighties, the internet is +still fresh and new and the possibility to form close +relations with strangers online seems fragile and +concerning yet exciting. This is the clearest the +distinction between in-real-life and online has ever +been and it’s still fuzzy and unclear. + +At the same time and in the same digital space as +Rheingold, there was another man, a digital body being +formed. This is our second story, the ocean body we +dreamt of earlier is now in a digital primordial soup, +questioning itself and stuck between staying and +leaving. In this story, its name is Tom Mandel and +when he died, he did so on the Well. + +Mandel was a controversial and popular figure in this +pioneering virtual community. According to many other members, +Tom Mandel embodied the essence of the Well—its history, +its voice, its attitude. Mandel's snarky and verbose +provocations started heated discussions, earning him +warnings such as "Don't Feed The Mandel!” (Leonard, 1995). +His sharp comments often stirred emotions that reminded +people of family arguments, fuelling an intimacy that +was characteristic of the Well: +both public and solitary (Hafner, 1997). + +Until 1995, Mandel had done a quite rigorous job of +keeping his body separate from The Well and had +never attended any of the physical in-person meetings +from the community. His only references to being a +body had been on the “health” online conference, +where he often talked about his illnesses. +One day, after nearly a decade of daily interaction, he +posted he had got the flu and that he felt quite ill. +When people wished for him to get well soon, he +replied he had gone to get tested and was waiting for a +diagnosis. This way, when cancer was found in his +lungs, the community was first to know. In the +following six months, as his illness progressed, the +community followed closely (Hafner, 1997). +They were first to know when Nana, a community +member with whom he had had a publicly turbulent +relationship, flew to California to marry him. The +community was a witness and is now an archive of his +declining wit as cancer spread to his brain and his +famously articulate and scathing comments got +shorter, fearful, and more tender. (3) + +Before he posted his final goodbye, he chose to do one +last thing. Together with another member, they +programmed a bot that posted randomly characteristic +comments from Mandel on The Well—the Mandelbot. +In the topic he had opened to say goodbye, he posted +this message about the bot: + +I had another motive in opening this topic to tell the +truth, one that winds its way through almost everything +I've done online in the five months since my cancer was +diagnosed. I figured that, like everyone else, my +physical self wasn't going to survive forever and I guess +I was going to have less time than actuarials allocateus +[actually allocated]. But if I could reach out and touch +everyone I knew on-line... I could toss out bits and +pieces of my virtual self and the memes that make up +Tom Mandel, and then when my body died, I wouldn't +really have to leave... Large chunks of me would also +be here, part of this new space. (Hafner, 1997) -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| 4\. It's out of care\ | > With the Mandelbot, Mandel | -| and not lack of\ | > found a way to deal with what | -| relevance that I am not showing | > he later called his grieving | -| you\ | > for the community, with which | -| Mandel's goodbye\ | > he could not play anymore once | -| message. It's enough to know he | > his own body died. By doing so, | -| was deep in the grief of having | > he was starting to blend the | -| to leave a\ | > boundaries of intimacy through | -| community he loved and cared for | > computers and bodies, driven by | -| and\ | > his love and grief. 4 | -| that pain was felt in every word. | > | -| | > When he talked about the bot in | -| | > previous messages, it sounded | -| | > almost like a joke. A caring | -| | > haunting of the platform, to | -| | > keep his persona alive for the | -| | > community in a way that could | -| | > be quite horrific for those | -| | > grieving. In his admission | -| | > though it becomes clear that | -| | > this was closer to an attempt | -| | > to deal with his grief around | -| | > losing the community, his | -| | > unreadiness to let go of a | -| | > place he loved so dearly. A | -| | > place just as real in emotion, | -| | > that was built in part by | -| | > Mandel's digital body and its\ | -| | > persona. | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - - - -In a tribute posted after his death, fellow Well member and journalist -Andrew Leonard tried to convey his own sense of blended physicality and -emotion. - -Sneer all you want at the fleshlessness of online\ -community, but on this night, as tears stream down my face for the third -straight evening, it feels all too real. - -(Andrew Leonard, 1995) - - - -> [c. bot-feelings]{.underline}\ -> An internet body has bot-feelings if allowed to. Let me explain. - -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| 5\. The first bot\ | > A bot functions as a different | -| communities on the internet are | > entity from a cyborg, as it | -| now\ | > does not attempt to emulate a | -| born, half-\ | > human body but rather human | -| mistakenly. They are always | > action and readiness. Its role | -| spiritual\ | > is to mirror\ | -| communities posting religious | > human behavior online, | -| images\ | > simulating how a physical body | -| created by artificial | > might act, what it would click | -| intelligence, all the comments | > on, and what would it say. On | -| echoing choirs of bots\ | > social media, bots engage in a | -| praising. Amen,\ | > kind of\ | -| amen, amen. I am\ | > interpretative dance of human | -| not naive, I know\ | > interaction, performing based | -| they are built by\ | > on instructions provided by | -| humans but it is this performance | > humans.5 | -| of\ | > | -| religiosity that I am interested | > Unlike an internet body, which | -| in, and\ | > represents the virtual | -| how little humanity is shown in | > embodiment of a person, a bot | -| it. It is\ | > doesn't seek to be a person. It | -| something else. | > comments under posts alongside | -| | > many other bots, all under a | -| | > fake name and photo but nothing | -| | > else to give the illusion of | -| | > humanity. When an internet body | -| | > has bot-feelings, it is a | -| | > disruptive performance. They | -| | > are feelings that do not | -| | > attempt to be human body | -| | > feelings, they exist as their | -| | > own genuine virtual\ | -| | > expression. | -| | > | -| | > In "Virtual Intimacies", | -| | > McGlotten also incidentally | -| | > argued that a virtual body has | -| | > bot-feelings (2013). He | -| | > described the virtual as | -| | > potential, as a transcendent | -| | > process of actualization, | -| | > making it into, generally, a | -| | > description of bots. Internet | -| | > bodies, as virtual, would be by | -| | > this understanding also charged | -| | > with the\ | -| | > constant immanent power to act | -| | > and to feel like a\ | -| | > human body. It is a constant | -| | > state of becoming, of | -| | > not-quite-pretending but never | -| | > fully being anything either. | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - - - -Most of the time we can tell disembodied bots online from tangible -people and as such they have the\ -potential to be bodies, without ever trying to be. - -Of course, when McGlotten described the virtual as such he placed it in -a dichotomy, once again, against the "Intimacies" which are the other -side of his book. The emphasis here lies in intimacy being an embodied -feeling and sense and a carnal one at that. Virtual intimacies are, by -this definition, an inherent failed contradiction. However, McGlotten -plays with the real and non-real in new ways, using the text to -highlight how virtual intimacy is similar to physical intimacy and then, -even more, blurring as he shows the already virtual in physical -intimacies. Applying this to a body, rather than an affective -experience, works just the same. - -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| McGlotten uses a | > 6\. A step in a step in a step, | -| conceptualization of the virtual | > sorry. | -| based on the philosopher | | -| Deleuze's, 6 which can be used to | | -| refer to a virtual body as well. | | -| | | -| The virtual is in this case a | | -| cluster of waiting,\ | | -| dreaming, and remembering, | | -| embodying potential. Something | | -| that is constantly becoming, an | | -| object and also the subject | | -| attributed to it (2001). An | | -| internet body with its | | -| bot-feelings is a body in the | | -| process of being one, acting as | | -| one, an ideal of one beyond what | | -| is physical but including its | | -| possibility. | | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - -Going a step further in McGlotten's interpretation of Deleuze, this also -plays into how virtual intimacies mirror queer intimacies as they -approach normative ideals but "can never arrive at them". Both queer and -virtual relations are imagined by a greater narrative as fantastical, -simulated, immaterial, and artificial---poor - - - -> imitations and perversions of a heterosexual,\ -> monogamous, and procreative marital partnership (2013). A virtual body -> is similarly immanent, with both potential and corruption at the same -> time. It carries all the neoliberal normative power of freedom that a\ -> queer body can carry today but also reflects the\ -> unseemly fleshly reality of having one. -> -> This is where the story continues. The body from the dream ocean -> leaves the primordial soup of the internet to stage a disruptive -> performance. -> -> It moves from potential creation to a wild spring river. -> -> A fluid being, that exists simultaneously inside and outside normative -> constructions. It channels deviant feelings and transcendental -> opinions about the\ -> collective's physical form genuinely as people use it to navigate -> their physicality. -> -> Both virtual and queer intimacies highlight the\ -> constructed nature of identity and desire. They disrupt the notion of -> a fixed, essential self, instead embracing the multiplicity and -> complexity inherent in human experience. This destabilization of -> identity opens up possibilities for self-expression and connection,\ -> creating spaces where individuals can redefine\ -> themselves beyond the constraints of societal\ -> expectations while still technically under its watchful eye. -> -> In essence, the parallels between virtual and queer intimacies -> underscore the radical potential of both to disrupt and reimagine the -> norms that govern our understanding of relationships, bodies, and -> identity. -> -> They invite us to question the rigid binaries and\ -> hierarchies that structure our society and to embrace the fluidity and -> possibility inherent in the human experience. - - - - - -[1.DIGITAL COMFORT]{.underline} - -The only laws:\ -Be radiant.\ -Be heavy. - -Be green. - -Tonight, the dead light up your mind\ -like an image of your mind on a scientist's screen. - -> *'The scientists don't know -- and too much.'* - -In the town square, in the heart of night (a delicacy like the heart of -an artichoke), a man dances\ -cheek-to-cheek with the infinite blue. - -(Schwartz, 2022) - - - -> [a. comfort care]{.underline} -> -> Let's care for this digital body. -> -> I'll feed it virtual vegetables while you wipe away the wear of -> battery fatigue. -> -> And why not encourage it to take strolls through the network, it might -> be good for it. -> -> But what if it falls ill? -> -> What if its sickness is inherent, designed to echo like the distorted -> reflection of rippling water a corrupted, isolated, and repulsive -> physical form? -> -> Then we must comfort care for it. -> -> Comfort care is a key concept in healthcare, described as an art. It -> is the simple but not easy art of\ -> performing comforting actions by a nurse for a patient (Kolcaba, -> 1995). The nurse is in this story an artist full of intention, using -> the medium of comforting actions to produce the artwork of comfort for -> the uncomfortable. Subtle, subjective, and thorough. However, -> achieving comfort for another is far from straightforward. It\ -> demands addressing not only the physical but also the psychospiritual, -> environmental, and socio-cultural dimensions of distress, each -> requiring its blend of relief, ease, and transcendence (Kolcaba, -> 1995). -> -> In moments of need, digital comfort may become the only care certain -> digressive bodies receive. When the distress a body is in becomes too -> culturally\ -> uncomfortable, no nurse will come to check on it. -> -> If care is offered, it\'s often only with a desire to - - - -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| assimilate the divergent body | > 7\. I am talking here about the | -| back into expected standards of | > distress\ | -| normalcy and ability. This leaves | > caused by mental\ | -| those with non-conforming bodies | > health issues that\ | -| isolated, ashamed, and yearning | > have direct\ | -| for connection and acceptance7 | > connections to\ | -| | > physicality---self-\ | -| In the depths of isolation and | > injuring in any direct form; | -| confusion, marginalized bodies | > food, drugs,\ | -| often look for belonging and | > pain. The culturally | -| understanding online. Gravitating | > uncomfortable\ | -| towards one another with a hunger | > diseases, the it's-\ | -| born of desperation, forming | > personal-\ | -| intimate bonds through shared | > responsibility, and just-stop | -| pain. Through a shared sense of | > disorders. | -| unwillingness, a lack of desire, | > | -| and a desperate need for physical | > This is a hidden\ | -| assimilation with the norm. | > topic of this text\ | -| | > because I cared\ | -| The healthy body, the normal | > more about the pain surrounding | -| body, the loved body. | > them\ | -| | > and the reasons to hide rather | -| On the internet, these digital | > than the grim physicality of | -| bodies claw onto each other, | > them all. | -| holding each other close and | | -| comfort-caring for one another. | | -| The spaces where this happens | | -| are\ | | -| rooms, or corners of the internet | | -| that I'll call back places. Back | | -| places were initially defined by | | -| the\ | | -| sociologist Goffman as symbolic | | -| spaces where\ | | -| stigmatized people did not need | | -| to hide their\ | | -| stigma(1963). In our story, | | -| backplaces are small rooms | | -| online, tender soft spaces | | -| reserved by those in terrible | | -| psychological pain themselves, | | -| where they can find relief, ease, | | -| and transcendence. | | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - -Of course, when we speak of digital bodies, their\ -physicality is not relevant. To comfort care for a digital body one -would thus need to provide relief, ease, and transcendence for the -mental, emotional, and spiritual; through the digital environment of the -body and the interpersonal cultural relations of the individual. - -As with any place of healing, however, it is a transient place. It is an -achy place, for the last step of the - - - -> journey will see them leave the community and compassion that saw and -> sustained them. -> -> There is no other way for divergent people. - - - -> [b. uncomfortable comfort]{.underline} -> -> In the past and the present, social scientists have\ -> studied the people in the corners of the internet,\ -> characterizing these spaces between people as\ -> deviant. Like children lifting stones to look at the bugs -> underneath--- simultaneously repulsed and fascinated by the coherence -> discovered where once was\ -> separation. A partition that was then reinforced by the scientists -> themselves as they began documenting the bugs' behavior. They -> eavesdropped on conversations, captured intimate moments, and asked -> again and again what made them so different. The more they probed, the -> more they made sure to separate their behavior from the norm to place -> the deviants against (Adler and Adler, 2005, 2008; Smith, Wickes & -> Underwood,\ -> 2013). -> -> The concept of deviance, particularly concerning what people do with -> their bodies and how their bodies\ -> behave, I find inherently flawed. Observing from an artificial -> external standpoint only serves to further alienate those already -> marginalized. I like to approach my research into the intimacy and -> comfort care\ -> expressed in marginalized digital communities without the alienation -> of social science. There are many\ -> approaches one can take if one wishes to avoid this, and the one I am -> choosing to borrow is a mathematical approach to anthropology. -> -> I would like to borrow from mathematician Jörn\ -> Dunkel's work in pattern formation. It's a conscious choice to -> approach divergences in bodily behavior through their similarities, -> not differences. This includes - - - -> specificities in atypicality, of course, but also the distinctions -> between me as the writer and them as the writer. You as the reader and -> you as the community. Me and you, as a whole. Both exist, both -> separate but in what is not of such importance. -> -> Though many of these systems are different,\ -> fundamentally, we can see similarities in the structure of their data. -> It's very easy to find differences. What's more interesting is to find -> out what's similar. - -(Chu & Dunkel , 2021) - -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| 8\. Of course, the\ | > Individuals who forge and | -| river itself is not a\ | > inhabit these communities, | -| river; it's many\ | > fostering tender, intimate | -| confused streams\ | > connections amongst\ | -| that believe\ | > themselves, are not deviant but | -| themselves both the same and | > rather divergent. Deviance | -| separate. I don't know where\ | > involves bifurcation, a split | -| I'm going with this, I just don't | > estuary from the river of | -| love the\ | > appropriate cultural behavior. | -| river of normativity and I'd | > 8 | -| rather go\ | > | -| swim in the ocean of dreams with | > Divergence can be so much more | -| you. | > than that. | -| | > | -| | > In mathematics, a divergent | -| | > series extends infinitely | -| | > without converging to a finite | -| | > limit. A repetition of partial | -| | > sums with no clear ending, | -| | > never reaching zero. | -| | > | -| | > Mathematician Niels Abel once | -| | > said that \"divergent series | -| | > are in general something fatal | -| | > and it is a shame to base any | -| | > proof on them. \[..\] The most | -| | > essential part of mathematics | -| | > has no foundation"(1826). | -| | > Drawing a parallel to social | -| | > relations would then imply that | -| | > there is no end to divergence, | -| | > too many paradoxes in the | -| | > foundation of normativeness to | -| | > base anything on it. | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - -> Harmonic series are, on the other hand, also divergent series. They -> are infinite series formed by the\ -> summation of all positive unit fractions, named after music harmonics. -> The wavelengths of a vibrating string are a harmonic series. These -> series also find - - - -![](vertopal_5f3c29c2bf9a4c5b9a5c3c50b1c27197/media/image4.png){width="4.947222222222222in" -height="3.6519291338582676in"} - -application in architecture, establishing harmonious relationships. -Despite their integral role in human aesthetics, all harmonic series -diverge, perpetually expanding without ever concluding. They embody a -richness that transcends conventional boundaries, blending into one -another infinitely. - -> Figure 1 - Harmonic Series to 32 (Hyacint,2017). - -By likening digital bodies to divergent series, we\ -embrace the complexity and infinite possibilities\ -arising from their interconnectedness and deviation from the norm. -However, it\'s crucial to note that the divergence I\'m discussing here -carries a halo of pain, accompanied by the requirement of bodily -discomfort. - -There are other forms of divergence, ways to have different bodies that -necessitate creating spaciousness around normativity to allow them grace -to grow. - - - -> The divergent digital bodies we are dancing with and caring for, -> however, are of a particular type. If we were to go back to our water -> stories, we'd see that the\ -> digital bodies we are following are painful ones. Cold, deep streams, -> hard to follow, hard to swim in. Their divergence from the norm makes -> them so. - -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| 9\. I heard the idea of living | > They have intricate | -| questions for the first time in\ | > relationships with themselves, | -| "Letters to A Young Poet" by | > existing in unstainable forms | -| Rainer\ | > devoid of comfort,\ | -| Maria Rilke and then again on the | > nourishment, or thriving. What | -| podcast On Being with Krista | > does comfort mean for a body | -| Tippet. It may be a\ | > whose whole existence is | -| bit transparent but\ | > uncomfortable? | -| this entire text is\ | > | -| informed by the\ | > Moreover, what if the comfort | -| concept of keeping the unsolved | > care performed for these | -| in your heart and learning to | > divergent bodies makes them too | -| love it. Not\ | > comfortable being in their | -| searching for the\ | > pained state of self? Could | -| answers for we\ | > they be?9 | -| cannot live them yet. The point | > | -| is to live it all. It could be | > Caring for a digital body | -| that at some point we will live | > involves providing it with\ | -| our way to an\ | > space to live, giving its | -| answer but it is\ | > experimental bot-feelings\ | -| feeling the questions alive | > tender attention, and revealing | -| within us that is important. Do | > your own vulnerable digital | -| you? | > body in response. It's about | -| | > giving it an\ | -| | > audience, hands to hold, eyes | -| | > that meet theirs in\ | -| | > understanding. A rehearsal | -| | > room, a pillow, a mirror. These | -| | > rooms, backplaces scattered | -| | > across the internet, are hidden | -| | > enough to allow the divergent | -| | > to comfort-care for one | -| | > another, sometimes to the point | -| | > where it is only the same type | -| | > of divergent digital bodies | -| | > reflecting back at each other. | -| | > | -| | > So far I have talked fondly of | -| | > divergence and the harmony of | -| | > divergent series, and the need | -| | > to have no finite ending. I'd | -| | > like to tell you a different | -| | > story now. | -| | > | -| | > Divergent digital bodies are, | -| | > by this point in our text, | -| | > built and alive as they can be. | -| | > They are many, they are | -| | > together and seeing each other, | -| | > producing harmonic waves. They | -| | > are in backplaces on the | -| | > internet, but they are less | -| | > safe than they seem. They are | -| | > themselves | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - - - -resonant echo chambers, with an ongoing risk of catastrophic acoustic -resonance. - -Acoustic resonance is what happens when an acoustic system amplifies -sound waves whose frequency\ -matches one of its natural frequencies of vibration. - -The instrument of amplification is important for the harmonic series, -for the music must not match exactly. An exact match will break it for -the object seeks out its resonance. Resonating at the precise resonant\ -frequency of a glass will shatter it. Digital bodies meet in these -rooms, amplifying their own waves seeking resonance but the risk of an -exact match is that it may shatter them. These spaces full of divergent -digital bodies quickly grow unstable, tethering echo\ -chambers. Rooms full of reflections, transforming what was once -individual pain into a mirrored loop of\ -anguish. Caring for your own and others' bodies\ -becomes increasingly difficult, making permanent residence in the mirror -room unbearable. You all know you must leave before you meet your exact -resonance. - - - -> [c. unbearable intimacy]{.underline} -> -> This is the end of the story. -> -> Our digital bodies have a shape, a sense of life and death, and -> someone to care for us and to care for. We are alive and have found -> intimacy with each other. -> -> We live in the backplaces, hiding and being hidden online as we have -> been for years. We used to be on invitation-only forums, -> password-protected bulletin boards, or encrypted hashtags. Now we are -> alive in the glitches between pixels, in a shared language of\ -> numbers and acronyms and misdirection. Avoiding a content moderation -> algorithm, always hunting the dashboards of social media websites for -> visible pain it can cure by erasure. We cannot tell you where to find -> you or it might too. We try to stay alive, to hold each other, hiding -> behind code words, fake names, and photos. We care for each other as -> best we can, the blind leading the blind, the sick caring for the -> sick. We have brought our unseemliness, our gory gross bodies to each -> other and found tender intimacy and\ -> understanding. -> -> On good days, dashboards are full of goodbyes and my heart swells with -> hope, for those of us who make it and for the small bright light -> telling us that we may be one of them. At the same time, some of us -> leave only to come back ghosts of ourselves, hunting threads with the -> empty hope of missionaries. - -Don't give up, it's worth it! - - - -Most of us scoff at this. The idea of leaving only to come back and tell -people you left is uncomfortable, the failed progress that washes away -hope. A healed patient who regularly comes back to the hospital to -encourage the sick, who wish to be anywhere but there. The genuine love -and care within these\ -communities transpire better under goodbye posts. When people do heal -and shed their accounts' skin, they often leave it surrounded by all -those who once cared for the digital body within it. - -> I'm so proud of you! Never come back, we love you so much. -> -> Recover, don't come back.\ -> Recover, don't come back.\ -> Recover, never come back. - -I had a conversation with a friend who once lived in these spaces -between letters but has since moved outside them. When asked, he -mentioned he could only find recovery by leaving that community. His -body has changed since now it is the spitting image of a standard, -healthy body. I didn't ask, but he knew I'd wonder. He told me he didn't -like his new body and preferred the divergent one he once built himself. -Why leave then? Why did you stop? - -Because that was no life. - -> Now life sparkles, everything feels brighter and more exciting. I got -> my will to live\ -> back. Before, there was nothing but my body. I was willing to die for -> it. - - - -> He pulls up the sleeve of his shirt to show me his shoulder, where he -> has tattooed a symbol for a community friend who died. -> -> I hope I never go back.\ -> I miss them every day. - -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ -| 10\. If we were to be honest, the | > This is the last dichotomy. For | -| entire\ | > the divergent digital body | -| exercise of writing this for you | > can't stay in a Backplace for | -| requires this very faith. | > very long, the intimacy of it | -| | > is unbearable. It is an | -| | > intimacy that floods, and | -| | > overruns. | -| | > | -| | > In their definition of intimacy | -| | > in the context of a public | -| | > surrounding a cultural | -| | > phenomenon, the author Lauren | -| | > Berlant denotes that intimacy | -| | > itself always requires hopeful | -| | > imagination. It requires belief | -| | > in the existence of an ideal | -| | > other who is emotionally | -| | > attuned to one\'s own | -| | > experiences and fantasies, | -| | > conditioned by the same | -| | > longings and with willing | -| | > reciprocity (2008). 10 | -| | > | -| | > In the context of the intimacy | -| | > of a Backplace, where divergent | -| | > digital bodies have formed a | -| | > community around existing | -| | > outside the healthy and | -| | > standard, longing and hopeful | -| | > intimacy becomes a | -| | > heavy-hearted and cardinal | -| | > concept. | -| | > | -| | > Being in these rooms and | -| | > finding care and love for | -| | > others like you can be so | -| | > uncomfortable when the | -| | > longings, experiences, and | -| | > fantasies you are sharing are | -| | > centered around pain. The | -| | > shared cultural\ | -| | > experience of existing as a | -| | > collective divergent digital | -| | > body promises a fantasy of | -| | > belonging, a collective hope, | -| | > and commitment that is | -| | > extremely fragile. | -+===================================+===================================+ -+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+ - - - -There is a duality then, if not a dichotomy. As a\ -divergent body, there is nothing you crave more than to be seen and to -be loved in a space where you are safe, where the faces looking at you -are not repulsed but warm with familiarity. Yet, it is this very warmth -that becomes unbearable and an inherently traumatic\ -intimacy. Being loved at your worst, at your most\ -embarrassing, cultural borderline self is an agonizing duality to deal -with. McGlotten, who was referenced earlier concerning the potential of -bot-feelings of a digital body, now comes back to remind us of their -impossibility. In his book, he talks of a digital intimacy that -inundates us and is both a source of connection and disconnection -(McGlotten, 2013). We are looking at a smaller scale than he does, but -intimacy in the context of shared vulnerability can be a need just as -intolerable. - -Certain kinds of witnessing can become curses, shivers of resonance so -close to an explosion of glass if only you strike the cord that will -keep me going. - -Certain kinds of divergence can only end with leaving or death, truth be -told. - -People in these bodies know this, even if the digital bodies behave as -if there is hope in a future where the divergence brings joy to one's -life consistently. The shared vulnerability itself then, is unbearable. -I need you to see me, I need you, who are just like me at my worst, to -love me. When you do, I can't stand it. It ruins both of us to be seen -this way and we need it so desperately. It has to exist and yet it can't -for long. - -I leave even though I love all of your digital bodies. I leave because I -love you, little digital body and you are me. - - - -[2. A LIFE TO BE HAD]{.underline} 11 - -11.Was this the end of this story? - -> In the epilogue, you sit your body down and enter your\ -> computer. The air coming in from the window smells wet and earthy, -> new. The sun shines low on the horizon. -> -> You log in to the internet and realize you are being told a story. You -> start to listen, carefully and, full of love, touch the story to let -> it know you are there. Delicate-fingered, curious like a child holding -> a fallen bird. I hold you and the story tentatively. -> -> I don't know if I am touching you, to tell you the truth. Digital -> bodies are stories, like physical bodies are, like dreams are, and -> like water is. -> -> Stories that are hard to tell and hard to hear and even more, maybe, -> hard to understand. I have loved these stories and I have loved -> telling them to you. I hope you understand that my goal was for you to -> live these questions, to feel these stories in their confusion. My -> digital body, my bot-feelings, my divergent communities. I have given -> them to you, so they may live longer, like an obsolete but beloved -> cyborg shown in a museum. - -Look: I was here, Look: I was loved, Look: I was saved. - -> The digital bodies that kept me alive, kept me from becoming fully a -> machine are no longer around in these online rooms. They are in -> different places, being touched by tentative hands, being loved for -> more than their divergence. - -I am too. - - - -The rooms, the backplaces, however, are still full of others, divergent -digital bodies who did not leave, who keep caring for each other at the -bottom of the whirlpool. There is no happy ending because there is no -ending. They keep typing and hoping, writing their collective pain down -on keyboards that transmit love letters to each other. I am not -embarrassed by my care for you, but you may be so if it helps. I know -how overwhelming intimacy can be. - -Telling you these stories was important for me, so much so that I will -tell you so many more in a different place if you wish to listen to me -longer. With this story, I dreamt of a digital body for you. It came -from an ocean of dreams, into a primordial soup that gave it enough -shape to become wild rivers, deep streams, sound waves. It flooded and -now, it leaves. A digital body that grew its own feelings, looked for -others like it, and realized its divergence and the need to leave. A -dream body, a primordial body, a disruptive body, a divergent body, and -now, a leaving body. This last story, however, of the leaving and loving -body, is yet to be told. - -The sun is now almost up, and the birds are alive and awake, telling -each other stories just outside the room. We don't have so much time -left. I have made you something, to tell your digital body the stories -of the leaving and loving body. It is a webpage, the address is\ -adadesign.nl/backplaces. - -You open the page, and you are asked to write the characters you see in -a captcha. E5qr7. - -eSq9p. - -8oc8y. - -Fuck. - -You try not to panic, but you know you have been detected. - - - -> You pack up your things: the pie I made you, a love letter, two hands -> made out of felt, a star, a door, a stuffed animal; and you leave -> again. - - - -> [THANK YOU]{.underline} -> -> Special thanks to Marloes de Valk, Michael Murtaugh, Manetta Berends, -> Joseph Knierzinger and Leslie\ -> Robbins. -> -> Extra thank you to Chae and Kamo from XPUB3 for the food and moral -> support in this trying time and to my other xpubini for being great -> and eating my snacks and gossiping. -> -> But most of all I\'d like to thank the people in the online -> communities I\'ve met and loved, you were of course who this thesis -> was about. Thank you for saving me, I will always remember you. - - - -> [REFERENCES]{.underline} -> -> Adler, P.A. and Adler, P. (2008) 'The Cyber Worlds of self-injurers: -> Deviant communities, relationships, and selves', Symbolic Interaction, -> 31(1), pp. 33--56. -> -> doi:10.1525/si.2008.31.1.33. -> -> Berlant, L.G. (2008) The female complaint the unfinished business of -> sentimentality in American culture. Durham: Duke University Press. -> -> Chu, J. (2021) Looking for similarities across Complex Systems, MIT -> News \| Massachusetts Institute of\ -> Technology. Available at:\ -> https://news.mit.edu/2021/jorn-dunkel-complex-systems-0627 (Accessed: -> 08 March 2024). -> -> Deleuze, G., Boyman, A. and Rajchman, J. (2001) Pure immanence: Essays -> on a life. New York: Zone Books. -> -> Goffman, E. (2022) Stigma: Notes on the management of spoiled -> identity. London: Penguin Classics. -> -> Hafner, K. (1997) The epic saga of the well, Wired. Available at: -> https://www.wired.com/1997/05/ff-well/ (Accessed: 01 February 2024). -> -> Haraway, D.J. (2000) 'A cyborg manifesto: Science, technology, and -> socialist-feminism in the late twentieth century', Posthumanism, pp. -> 69--84. doi:10.1007/978-1-137-05194-3_10. - - - -Hyacint (2017) Harmonic series to 32,\ -https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Harmonic_series_to_32.svg. - -Kolcaba, K.Y. and Kolcaba, R.J. (1991) 'An analysis of the concept of -comfort', Journal of Advanced Nursing, 16(11), pp. 1301--1310. -doi:10.1111/j.1365-\ -2648.1991.tb01558.x. - -Leonard, A. (no date) All Too Real,\ -https://people.well.com/. Available at:\ -https://people.well.com/user/cynsa/tom/tom14.html (Accessed: 01 April -2024). - -McGlotten, S. (2013) Virtual intimacies: Media, affect, and queer -sociality \[Preprint\]. doi:10.1353\ -book27643. - -Rumi, J. al-Din and Barks, C. (1995) 'Story Water', in The Essential -Rumi. New - -Schwartz, C. (2022) Lecture on Loneliness, Granta. Available at: -https://granta.com/lecture-on-loneliness/ (Accessed: 08 March 2024). - -Smith, N., Wickes, R. and Underwood, M. (2013)'Managing a marginalised -identity in pro-anorexia and fat acceptance cybercommunities', Journal -of\ -Sociology, 51(4), pp. 950--967. - -doi:10.1177/1440783313486220. - -Yun, J. (2020) 'The Leaving Season', in Some Are Always Hungry. -University of Nebraska Press. - +With the Mandelbot, Mandel found a way to deal with +what he later called his grieving for the community, +with which he could not play anymore once his own +body died. By doing so, he was starting to blend the +boundaries of intimacy through computers and bodies, +driven by his love and grief. (4) -\