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> \<?water bodies\>
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A narrative exploration
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of divergent digital
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intimacies.
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*\<?Water bodies\>: A narrative exploration of divergent digital
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intimacies.*
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Ada Varriale
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Thesis submitted to: the Department of Experimental Publishing,Piet
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Zwart Institute, Willem de Kooning Academy,in partial fulfillment of the
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requirements for the final examination for the degree of:Master of Arts
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in Fine Art & Design: Experimental Publishing.
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Adviser: Marloes de Valk\
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Second Reader: Natasha Soorbramanien Word count: 6809
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Fonts: Terminal Grotesque by Raphaël Bastide, with the contribution of
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Jérémy Landes. Distributed by velvetyne.fr.
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> Water, stories, the body, all the things we do, are mediums\
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> that hide and show what's hidden.
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(Rumi, 1995 translation)
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> **꙳**[for you]{.underline}
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>
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> All intimacy is about bodies.
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>
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> Is this true? Does it matter? I doubt it. Do you know? Let's find out,
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> maybe.
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>
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> Once, I thought that everything in the world was either one or zero
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> and that there was a harsh straight line between them. Then I found
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> out you could step or hop across the line, back and forth, if others
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> showed you how. Today, I am no less binary, no less interested in
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> dichotomies, but I am willing to dance through them if you are too.
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> Can we dance these dichotomies together, embracing the contradictions
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> of the virtual and\
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> physical, the comfortable and uncomfortable, intimate and
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> non-intimate? I can't do it alone, the subject is too heavy and the
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> binary is too 1011000. I won't ask you to resolve these
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> contradictions, I have no desire to.
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>
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> Instead, I hope we can cultivate the tension and\
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> tenderness inherent in holding together incompatible truths because
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> both prove necessary.
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>
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> To dance through these dichotomies I will start in a specific
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> position, growing from Donna Haraway's in 'A Cyborg Manifesto". In her
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> essay, Haraway explores the concept of a cyborg as a rejection of
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> boundaries\
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> between humans, animals, and machines. A symbol for a feminist
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> posthuman theory that embraces the\
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> plasticity of identity. Before she does all this dancing, however, she
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> takes a strong stance of blasphemy. She engages seriously with
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> traditional notions of feminism and identity but with irony, not
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> apostasy, which is to
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say without full rejection---without unbelief.
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My position as I jump will be the same as hers, ironic faith. My mocking
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is grave but caring and my primary aim is for us only to spin fast
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enough not to see the line anymore, while still being able to see the
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binaries. It won't be an easy dance for us but I will do my best to keep
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softening for you, I promise.
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I will show you a digital body, make it comfortable and then
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uncomfortable, lightly intimate, and richly\
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intimate. I have my own story, my own digital body, of course. This is
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where I take my second stance,\
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however. This time, the position is Lauren Berlant's, from 'The Female
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Complaint'. The book places\
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individual stories as inescapable autobiographies of a collective
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experience and uses the personal to explain an intimate general
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experience. In our story, the\
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difference between my body and the collective digital body is
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unimportant, I hope you see that. I will tell you my story if you know
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how to look, but I will tell you through the stories of many others who
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shared them with me. I have no other choice, every time I have tried to
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tell this story a chorus of voices has come out.
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Some of the stories I will tell you will carry memories of pain;
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physical and emotional. I will keep holding you while you hear this, but
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your limbs may still feel too heavy to dance. In that case, I give you
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my full\
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permission to skip, jump, or lay down completely. This is not
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choreographed and I care deeply for you.
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I love you and hope you see what I saw in these stories.
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Safe dreams now, I will talk to you soon.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I N D E X
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-------------- -------------- -------------- -------------- --------------
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> ꙳[for you
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p6 0. DIGITAL]{.underline}\
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> [BODIES p10]{.underline}\
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> a. what is a digital body?
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>
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> [p12]{.underline}\
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> [b. body vs. computer p15 c. bot-feelings p20 1. DIGITAL COMFORT p24
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> a. comfort care p26 b. uncomfortable comfort p29 c. unbearable
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> intimacy p34 2. A LIFE TO BE HAD p38]{.underline}**꙳** [REFERENCES
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> p44]{.underline}
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> [0. DIGITAL BODIES]{.underline}\
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>
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I think the worst must be finished.
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Whether I am right, don't tell me.
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Don't tell me.
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No ringlet of bruise,\
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no animal face, the waters salt me\
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and I leave it barefoot. I leave you, season of still tongues, of roses
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on nightstands beside crushed beer cans. I leave you\
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white sand and scraped knees. I leave this myth in which I am pig,
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whose\
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death is empty allegory. I leave, I leave---At the end of this story,\
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I walk into the sea\
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and it chooses\
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not to drown me.
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(Yun, 2020)
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> [a. what is a digital body?]{.underline}
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>
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> A digital body is a body on the Internet.
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>
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> A body outside the internet is simply a body. On the internet,
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> discussions about corporeality transcend the limitations of
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> physicality, shaping and reshaping\
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> narratives surrounding the self. This text explores the intricate
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> dynamics within these conversations, dancing at the interplay between
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> tangible bodies and their digital counterparts. The construction of a
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> digital body is intricately intertwined with these online dialogues,
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> necessitating engaged reconstructions of the narratives surrounding
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> physical existence. Yet, the resulting\
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> digital body is a complex and contradictory entity, embodying the
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> nuances of both its virtual and tangible origins.
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>
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> There is a specific metaphor that would allow us to better carry these
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> contradictions as we further explore digital bodies. Do you remember
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> that dream you had about deep ocean pie? Allow me to remind you.
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>
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> You were walking on the shore, slowly, during a\
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> summer that happened a long time ago. Your skin was warm and you could
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> feel the wet cool sand sticking to your feet. The gentle lapping of
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> the waves washed the sand away as you walked towards the ocean. You
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> stepped, stepped. Then dove. Underwater, the sea unfolded deeper than
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> you remembered. It was a\
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> vibrant display of life: bright schools of small fish, and tall
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> colorful, waving corals. It looked like that\
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> aquarium you saw once as a kid. Your arms moved confusingly through
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> the water as if you were wading
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through a soup or were terribly tired. On the sandy ocean floor, you saw
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a dining table.
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It had a floating white tablecloth, one plate, a fork, and a pie in the
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center of it, on a serving dish. You sat on a chair but could not feel
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it underneath you. You ate a heaping slice of pie. It had a
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buttery-cooked carrots filling. You woke up.
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In the world, the sun was still timid and your bedroom thick with sleep.
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What a weird dream. You rubbed your face, sat up on your bed, and drank
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the glass of water next to you. You felt full, as if you just ate a
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plateful of carrot pie.
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There were two bodies in this story. An awake one and a dream one, an
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ocean one. In dreams, bodies have their own set of rules, often blurring
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the boundaries between waking and sleeping, wanting and fearing.
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Digital bodies are very similar to dream bodies. They exhibit a similar
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fluidity and abstraction, a defiance of traditional notions of
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physicality. They share the\
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blurring and inherent potential nature of dream bodies.
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They are slower, stronger, and different. They switch and change and
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melt into each other, they lose and regrow limbs, they run sluggishly
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and fly smoothly. If we scream in our dreams, we sometimes wake up still
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screaming. Our waking bodies react to our dream bodies, they have the
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same tears, the same orgasms, the same drives.
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This is a story of two bodies, same but different, influenced but not
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driven.
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A tangible body, full of fluids and organs, emotions and feelings.
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Cartilage, bacteria, bones, and nerve\
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endings. A digital body, cable-veined and loud-vented, shiny and
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loading.
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> The digital body is ethereal and abstracted,\
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> embarrassing, graphic, and real but not physical.
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>
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> This is the beginning.
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> [b. body vs. computer]{.underline}
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>
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> Framing the discourse around bodies on the internet as a clear-cut
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> dichotomy feels clunky in today's internet landscape. The web is today
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> available by body, cyborg dimensions of the internet of bodies, or
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> virtual and augmented realities, creating a complex interplay\
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> between having a body and existing online.
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>
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> As intricate as this dance is now, it certainly did not begin that
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> way. It started with what felt like a very serious and tangible line
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> drawn by very serious\
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> tangible people; this is real life and this is virtual life.
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>
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> Even people like Howard Rheingold, pioneers who approached early
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> virtual life with enthusiasm and care, couldn't escape characterizing
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> it as a "bloodless\
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> technological ritual" (1993). Rheingold was an early member of The
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> Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link (Well), a seminal virtual community built
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> in the 1980s that was renowned for its impact on digital culture and
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> played a pivotal role in shaping what would become the\
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> landscape of the Internet. Rheingold's reflections on his experience
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> on this primordial soup of the Internet offer insight into the initial
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> conceptualizations of online life by those joyfully participating.
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>
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> In "The Virtual Community", Rheingold offers a\
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> heartfelt tribute to intimacy and affection through web-based
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> interactions which, at the time, were unheard of. He struggles in his
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> efforts to highlight the legitimacy of his connections, finding no way
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> to do so except by emphasizing their tangible bodily experiences.
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>
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> The community's claim to authenticity thus had to lie
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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| 1\. You're dreaming again, good. | > in the physical experiences of |
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| | > its members--- the visible |
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| Would you feel\ | > bodies and hearable voices, the |
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| closer to me if you could hear | > weddings, births, and funerals |
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| my\ | > (1993).1. |
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| voice? | > |
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| | > Even then, and even by people |
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| Is my voice a sound? | > with no interest in\ |
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| | > undermining the value of the |
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| Could it be a feeling? | > virtual, the distinction |
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| | > between physical and virtual |
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| 2\. I will be honest\ | > was confusing. Rheingold |
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| with you, I have little patience | > himself reinforces the boundary |
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| for this\ | > of body relations and computer |
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| recurring line of\ | > relations by referring to his |
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| thought that seeks to distinguish | > family as a\ |
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| people's noses from their\ | > "flesh-and-blood family' and |
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| hearts, as if there\ | > his close online friends |
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| was a physical love that is the | > as"unfamiliar faces" (1993). |
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| valuable one and a virtual\ | > Constantly interplaying\ |
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| imaginary one that is feeble and\ | > digital connections with the |
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| unworthy. | > physical characteristics of the |
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| | > kind of connections people |
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| | > valued before the\ |
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| | > internet. 2 |
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| | > |
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| | > In any case, his primary |
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| | > interest seemed to be to |
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| | > emphasize computer relations as |
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| | > valid forms of connection |
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| | > between bodies, not to talk of |
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| | > any\ |
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| | > distinction quite yet. It's the |
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| | > eighties, the internet is still |
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| | > fresh and new and the |
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| | > possibility to form close |
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| | > relations with strangers online |
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| | > seems fragile and concerning |
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| | > yet exciting. This is the |
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| | > clearest the distinction |
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| | > between in-real-life and online |
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| | > has ever been and it's still |
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| | > fuzzy and unclear. |
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+===================================+===================================+
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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> At the same time and in the same digital space as\
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> Rheingold, there was another man, a digital body being formed. This is
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> our second story, the ocean body we dreamt of earlier is now in a
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> digital primordial soup, questioning itself and stuck between staying
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> and\
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> leaving. In this story, its name is Tom Mandel and\
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> when he died, he did so on the Well.
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>
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> Mandel was a controversial and popular figure in this pioneering
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> virtual community. According to many other
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members, Tom Mandel embodied the essence of the Well---its history, its
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voice, its attitude. Mandel\'s\
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snarky and verbose provocations started heated\
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discussions, earning him warnings such as \"Don\'t Feed The Mandel!"
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(Leonard, 1995). His sharp comments often stirred emotions that reminded
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people of family arguments, fuelling an intimacy that was characteristic
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of the Well: both public and solitary (Hafner, 1997).
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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| Until 1995, Mandel had done a | > 3\. Initially, when a member he |
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| quite rigorous job of keeping his | > often argued with oered to pray |
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| body separate from The Well and | > for him\ |
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| had never attended any of the | > Mandel had\ |
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| physical in-person meetings from | > replied: "You can\ |
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| the community. His only | > shovel your self-\ |
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| references to being a body had | > aggrandizing\ |
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| been on the "health" online | > sentiments up you wide ass |
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| conference, where he often talked | > sideways for the duration as |
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| about his illnesses. | > far as I\'m\ |
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| | > concerned.\" Later, as the |
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| One day, after nearly a decade of | > cancer\ |
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| daily interaction, he posted he | > progressed: "I ain\'t nearly as |
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| had got the flu and that he felt | > brave as you all think. I am |
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| quite ill. | > scared silly of the pain of |
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| | > dying this\ |
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| When people wished for him to get | > way. I am not very good at |
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| well soon, he\ | > playing\ |
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| replied he had gone to get tested | > saint. Pray for me, please. |
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| and was waiting for a diagnosis. | |
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| This way, when cancer was found | |
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| in his lungs, the community was | |
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| first to know. In the\ | |
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| following six months, as his | |
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| illness progressed, the community | |
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| followed closely (Hafner, 1997). | |
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| | |
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| They were first to know when | |
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| Nana, a community member with | |
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| whom he had had a publicly | |
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| turbulent relationship, flew to | |
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| California to marry him. The | |
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| community was a witness and is | |
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| now an archive of his declining | |
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| wit as cancer spread to his brain | |
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| and his famously articulate and | |
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| scathing comments got\ | |
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| shorter, fearful, and more | |
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| tender.3 | |
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| | |
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| Before he posted his final | |
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| goodbye, he chose to do one last | |
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| thing. Together with another | |
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| member, they\ | |
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| programmed a bot that posted | |
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| randomly characteristic comments | |
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| from Mandel on The Well---the | |
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| Mandelbot.ff | |
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+===================================+===================================+
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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> In the topic he had opened to say goodbye, he posted this message
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> about the bot:
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>
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> I had another motive in opening this topic to tell the truth, one that
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> winds its way through almost everything I\'ve done online in the five
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> months since my cancer was diagnosed. I figured that, like everyone
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> else, my\
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> physical self wasn\'t going to survive forever and I guess I was going
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> to have less time than actuarials allocateus \[actually allocated\].
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> But if I could reach out and touch everyone I knew on-line\... I could
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> toss out bits and pieces of my virtual self and the memes that make up
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> Tom Mandel, and then when my body died, I wouldn\'t really have to
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> leave\... Large chunks of me would also be here, part of this new
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> space.
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(Hafner, 1997)
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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| 4\. It's out of care\ | > With the Mandelbot, Mandel |
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| and not lack of\ | > found a way to deal with what |
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| relevance that I am not showing | > he later called his grieving |
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| you\ | > for the community, with which |
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| Mandel's goodbye\ | > he could not play anymore once |
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| message. It's enough to know he | > his own body died. By doing so, |
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| was deep in the grief of having | > he was starting to blend the |
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| to leave a\ | > boundaries of intimacy through |
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| community he loved and cared for | > computers and bodies, driven by |
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| and\ | > his love and grief. 4 |
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| that pain was felt in every word. | > |
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| | > When he talked about the bot in |
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| | > previous messages, it sounded |
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| | > almost like a joke. A caring |
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| | > haunting of the platform, to |
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| | > keep his persona alive for the |
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| | > community in a way that could |
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| | > be quite horrific for those |
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| | > grieving. In his admission |
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| | > though it becomes clear that |
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| | > this was closer to an attempt |
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| | > to deal with his grief around |
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| | > losing the community, his |
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| | > unreadiness to let go of a |
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| | > place he loved so dearly. A |
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| | > place just as real in emotion, |
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| | > that was built in part by |
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| | > Mandel's digital body and its\ |
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| | > persona. |
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|
+===================================+===================================+
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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In a tribute posted after his death, fellow Well member and journalist
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Andrew Leonard tried to convey his own sense of blended physicality and
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emotion.
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Sneer all you want at the fleshlessness of online\
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community, but on this night, as tears stream down my face for the third
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straight evening, it feels all too real.
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(Andrew Leonard, 1995)
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> [c. bot-feelings]{.underline}\
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> An internet body has bot-feelings if allowed to. Let me explain.
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|
+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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| 5\. The first bot\ | > A bot functions as a different |
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| communities on the internet are | > entity from a cyborg, as it |
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| now\ | > does not attempt to emulate a |
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| born, half-\ | > human body but rather human |
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| mistakenly. They are always | > action and readiness. Its role |
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| spiritual\ | > is to mirror\ |
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| communities posting religious | > human behavior online, |
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| images\ | > simulating how a physical body |
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| created by artificial | > might act, what it would click |
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| intelligence, all the comments | > on, and what would it say. On |
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|
| echoing choirs of bots\ | > social media, bots engage in a |
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| praising. Amen,\ | > kind of\ |
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| amen, amen. I am\ | > interpretative dance of human |
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| not naive, I know\ | > interaction, performing based |
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| they are built by\ | > on instructions provided by |
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| humans but it is this performance | > humans.5 |
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| of\ | > |
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| religiosity that I am interested | > Unlike an internet body, which |
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| in, and\ | > represents the virtual |
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| how little humanity is shown in | > embodiment of a person, a bot |
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| it. It is\ | > doesn't seek to be a person. It |
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| something else. | > comments under posts alongside |
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| | > many other bots, all under a |
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| | > fake name and photo but nothing |
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| | > else to give the illusion of |
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| | > humanity. When an internet body |
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| | > has bot-feelings, it is a |
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| | > disruptive performance. They |
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| | > are feelings that do not |
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| | > attempt to be human body |
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| | > feelings, they exist as their |
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| | > own genuine virtual\ |
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| | > expression. |
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| | > |
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|
| | > In "Virtual Intimacies", |
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|
| | > McGlotten also incidentally |
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|
|
| | > argued that a virtual body has |
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| | > bot-feelings (2013). He |
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|
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| | > described the virtual as |
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| | > potential, as a transcendent |
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| | > process of actualization, |
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| | > making it into, generally, a |
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|
| | > description of bots. Internet |
|
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| | > bodies, as virtual, would be by |
|
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|
|
| | > this understanding also charged |
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| | > with the\ |
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|
| | > constant immanent power to act |
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| | > and to feel like a\ |
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| | > human body. It is a constant |
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| | > state of becoming, of |
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| | > not-quite-pretending but never |
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| | > fully being anything either. |
|
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|
|
+===================================+===================================+
|
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|
|
+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
|
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|
Most of the time we can tell disembodied bots online from tangible
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|
people and as such they have the\
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|
potential to be bodies, without ever trying to be.
|
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|
Of course, when McGlotten described the virtual as such he placed it in
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|
a dichotomy, once again, against the "Intimacies" which are the other
|
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|
|
side of his book. The emphasis here lies in intimacy being an embodied
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|
|
feeling and sense and a carnal one at that. Virtual intimacies are, by
|
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|
|
this definition, an inherent failed contradiction. However, McGlotten
|
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|
|
plays with the real and non-real in new ways, using the text to
|
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|
|
highlight how virtual intimacy is similar to physical intimacy and then,
|
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|
|
even more, blurring as he shows the already virtual in physical
|
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|
|
intimacies. Applying this to a body, rather than an affective
|
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|
|
experience, works just the same.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
| McGlotten uses a | > 6\. A step in a step in a step, |
|
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|
|
| conceptualization of the virtual | > sorry. |
|
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|
| based on the philosopher | |
|
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|
|
| Deleuze's, 6 which can be used to | |
|
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|
|
| refer to a virtual body as well. | |
|
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| | |
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|
| The virtual is in this case a | |
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|
| cluster of waiting,\ | |
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|
| dreaming, and remembering, | |
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|
|
| embodying potential. Something | |
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|
| that is constantly becoming, an | |
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|
|
| object and also the subject | |
|
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|
|
| attributed to it (2001). An | |
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|
|
| internet body with its | |
|
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|
|
| bot-feelings is a body in the | |
|
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|
|
| process of being one, acting as | |
|
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|
|
| one, an ideal of one beyond what | |
|
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|
|
| is physical but including its | |
|
|
|
|
| possibility. | |
|
|
|
|
+===================================+===================================+
|
|
|
|
+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Going a step further in McGlotten's interpretation of Deleuze, this also
|
|
|
|
plays into how virtual intimacies mirror queer intimacies as they
|
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|
|
approach normative ideals but "can never arrive at them". Both queer and
|
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|
|
virtual relations are imagined by a greater narrative as fantastical,
|
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|
|
simulated, immaterial, and artificial---poor
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
> imitations and perversions of a heterosexual,\
|
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|
|
> monogamous, and procreative marital partnership (2013). A virtual body
|
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|
|
> is similarly immanent, with both potential and corruption at the same
|
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|
|
> time. It carries all the neoliberal normative power of freedom that a\
|
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|
|
> queer body can carry today but also reflects the\
|
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|
|
> unseemly fleshly reality of having one.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> This is where the story continues. The body from the dream ocean
|
|
|
|
> leaves the primordial soup of the internet to stage a disruptive
|
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|
|
> performance.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> It moves from potential creation to a wild spring river.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> A fluid being, that exists simultaneously inside and outside normative
|
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|
|
> constructions. It channels deviant feelings and transcendental
|
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|
|
> opinions about the\
|
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|
|
> collective's physical form genuinely as people use it to navigate
|
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|
|
> their physicality.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> Both virtual and queer intimacies highlight the\
|
|
|
|
> constructed nature of identity and desire. They disrupt the notion of
|
|
|
|
> a fixed, essential self, instead embracing the multiplicity and
|
|
|
|
> complexity inherent in human experience. This destabilization of
|
|
|
|
> identity opens up possibilities for self-expression and connection,\
|
|
|
|
> creating spaces where individuals can redefine\
|
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|
|
> themselves beyond the constraints of societal\
|
|
|
|
> expectations while still technically under its watchful eye.
|
|
|
|
>
|
|
|
|
> In essence, the parallels between virtual and queer intimacies
|
|
|
|
> underscore the radical potential of both to disrupt and reimagine the
|
|
|
|
> norms that govern our understanding of relationships, bodies, and
|
|
|
|
> identity.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> They invite us to question the rigid binaries and\
|
|
|
|
> hierarchies that structure our society and to embrace the fluidity and
|
|
|
|
> possibility inherent in the human experience.
|
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|
|
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|
|
|
[1.DIGITAL COMFORT]{.underline}
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
The only laws:\
|
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|
|
Be radiant.\
|
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|
|
Be heavy.
|
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|
|
|
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|
|
Be green.
|
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|
|
|
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|
|
Tonight, the dead light up your mind\
|
|
|
|
like an image of your mind on a scientist's screen.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
> *'The scientists don't know -- and too much.'*
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
In the town square, in the heart of night (a delicacy like the heart of
|
|
|
|
an artichoke), a man dances\
|
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|
|
cheek-to-cheek with the infinite blue.
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
(Schwartz, 2022)
|
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|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
> [a. comfort care]{.underline}
|
|
|
|
>
|
|
|
|
> Let's care for this digital body.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> I'll feed it virtual vegetables while you wipe away the wear of
|
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|
|
> battery fatigue.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> And why not encourage it to take strolls through the network, it might
|
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|
|
> be good for it.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> But what if it falls ill?
|
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|
>
|
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|
|
> What if its sickness is inherent, designed to echo like the distorted
|
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|
|
> reflection of rippling water a corrupted, isolated, and repulsive
|
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|
|
> physical form?
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> Then we must comfort care for it.
|
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|
>
|
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|
|
> Comfort care is a key concept in healthcare, described as an art. It
|
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|
|
> is the simple but not easy art of\
|
|
|
|
> performing comforting actions by a nurse for a patient (Kolcaba,
|
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|
|
> 1995). The nurse is in this story an artist full of intention, using
|
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|
|
> the medium of comforting actions to produce the artwork of comfort for
|
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|
|
> the uncomfortable. Subtle, subjective, and thorough. However,
|
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|
|
> achieving comfort for another is far from straightforward. It\
|
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|
|
> demands addressing not only the physical but also the psychospiritual,
|
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|
|
> environmental, and socio-cultural dimensions of distress, each
|
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|
|
> requiring its blend of relief, ease, and transcendence (Kolcaba,
|
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|
|
> 1995).
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> In moments of need, digital comfort may become the only care certain
|
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|
|
> digressive bodies receive. When the distress a body is in becomes too
|
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|
|
> culturally\
|
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|
|
> uncomfortable, no nurse will come to check on it.
|
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|
|
>
|
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|
|
> If care is offered, it\'s often only with a desire to
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
| assimilate the divergent body | > 7\. I am talking here about the |
|
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|
|
| back into expected standards of | > distress\ |
|
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|
|
| normalcy and ability. This leaves | > caused by mental\ |
|
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|
|
| those with non-conforming bodies | > health issues that\ |
|
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|
|
| isolated, ashamed, and yearning | > have direct\ |
|
|
|
|
| for connection and acceptance7 | > connections to\ |
|
|
|
|
| | > physicality---self-\ |
|
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|
|
| In the depths of isolation and | > injuring in any direct form; |
|
|
|
|
| confusion, marginalized bodies | > food, drugs,\ |
|
|
|
|
| often look for belonging and | > pain. The culturally |
|
|
|
|
| understanding online. Gravitating | > uncomfortable\ |
|
|
|
|
| towards one another with a hunger | > diseases, the it's-\ |
|
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|
|
| born of desperation, forming | > personal-\ |
|
|
|
|
| intimate bonds through shared | > responsibility, and just-stop |
|
|
|
|
| pain. Through a shared sense of | > disorders. |
|
|
|
|
| unwillingness, a lack of desire, | > |
|
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|
|
| and a desperate need for physical | > This is a hidden\ |
|
|
|
|
| assimilation with the norm. | > topic of this text\ |
|
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|
|
| | > because I cared\ |
|
|
|
|
| The healthy body, the normal | > more about the pain surrounding |
|
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|
|
| body, the loved body. | > them\ |
|
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|
|
| | > and the reasons to hide rather |
|
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|
|
| On the internet, these digital | > than the grim physicality of |
|
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|
|
| bodies claw onto each other, | > them all. |
|
|
|
|
| holding each other close and | |
|
|
|
|
| comfort-caring for one another. | |
|
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|
|
| The spaces where this happens | |
|
|
|
|
| are\ | |
|
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|
|
| rooms, or corners of the internet | |
|
|
|
|
| that I'll call back places. Back | |
|
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|
|
| places were initially defined by | |
|
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|
|
| the\ | |
|
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|
|
| sociologist Goffman as symbolic | |
|
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|
|
| spaces where\ | |
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|
|
| stigmatized people did not need | |
|
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|
|
| to hide their\ | |
|
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|
|
| stigma(1963). In our story, | |
|
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|
|
| backplaces are small rooms | |
|
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|
|
| online, tender soft spaces | |
|
|
|
|
| reserved by those in terrible | |
|
|
|
|
| psychological pain themselves, | |
|
|
|
|
| where they can find relief, ease, | |
|
|
|
|
| and transcendence. | |
|
|
|
|
+===================================+===================================+
|
|
|
|
+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Of course, when we speak of digital bodies, their\
|
|
|
|
physicality is not relevant. To comfort care for a digital body one
|
|
|
|
would thus need to provide relief, ease, and transcendence for the
|
|
|
|
mental, emotional, and spiritual; through the digital environment of the
|
|
|
|
body and the interpersonal cultural relations of the individual.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
As with any place of healing, however, it is a transient place. It is an
|
|
|
|
achy place, for the last step of the
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
> journey will see them leave the community and compassion that saw and
|
|
|
|
> sustained them.
|
|
|
|
>
|
|
|
|
> There is no other way for divergent people.
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> [b. uncomfortable comfort]{.underline}
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>
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> In the past and the present, social scientists have\
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> studied the people in the corners of the internet,\
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> characterizing these spaces between people as\
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> deviant. Like children lifting stones to look at the bugs
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> underneath--- simultaneously repulsed and fascinated by the coherence
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> discovered where once was\
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> separation. A partition that was then reinforced by the scientists
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> themselves as they began documenting the bugs' behavior. They
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> eavesdropped on conversations, captured intimate moments, and asked
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> again and again what made them so different. The more they probed, the
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> more they made sure to separate their behavior from the norm to place
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> the deviants against (Adler and Adler, 2005, 2008; Smith, Wickes &
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> Underwood,\
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> 2013).
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>
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> The concept of deviance, particularly concerning what people do with
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> their bodies and how their bodies\
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> behave, I find inherently flawed. Observing from an artificial
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> external standpoint only serves to further alienate those already
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> marginalized. I like to approach my research into the intimacy and
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> comfort care\
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> expressed in marginalized digital communities without the alienation
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> of social science. There are many\
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> approaches one can take if one wishes to avoid this, and the one I am
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> choosing to borrow is a mathematical approach to anthropology.
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>
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> I would like to borrow from mathematician Jörn\
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> Dunkel's work in pattern formation. It's a conscious choice to
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> approach divergences in bodily behavior through their similarities,
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> not differences. This includes
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> specificities in atypicality, of course, but also the distinctions
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> between me as the writer and them as the writer. You as the reader and
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> you as the community. Me and you, as a whole. Both exist, both
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> separate but in what is not of such importance.
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>
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> Though many of these systems are different,\
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> fundamentally, we can see similarities in the structure of their data.
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> It's very easy to find differences. What's more interesting is to find
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> out what's similar.
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(Chu & Dunkel , 2021)
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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| 8\. Of course, the\ | > Individuals who forge and |
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| river itself is not a\ | > inhabit these communities, |
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| river; it's many\ | > fostering tender, intimate |
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| confused streams\ | > connections amongst\ |
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| that believe\ | > themselves, are not deviant but |
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| themselves both the same and | > rather divergent. Deviance |
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| separate. I don't know where\ | > involves bifurcation, a split |
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| I'm going with this, I just don't | > estuary from the river of |
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| love the\ | > appropriate cultural behavior. |
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| river of normativity and I'd | > 8 |
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| rather go\ | > |
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| swim in the ocean of dreams with | > Divergence can be so much more |
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| you. | > than that. |
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| | > |
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| | > In mathematics, a divergent |
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| | > series extends infinitely |
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| | > without converging to a finite |
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| | > limit. A repetition of partial |
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| | > sums with no clear ending, |
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| | > never reaching zero. |
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| | > |
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| | > Mathematician Niels Abel once |
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| | > said that \"divergent series |
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| | > are in general something fatal |
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| | > and it is a shame to base any |
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| | > proof on them. \[..\] The most |
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| | > essential part of mathematics |
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| | > has no foundation"(1826). |
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| | > Drawing a parallel to social |
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| | > relations would then imply that |
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| | > there is no end to divergence, |
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| | > too many paradoxes in the |
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| | > foundation of normativeness to |
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| | > base anything on it. |
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+===================================+===================================+
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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> Harmonic series are, on the other hand, also divergent series. They
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> are infinite series formed by the\
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> summation of all positive unit fractions, named after music harmonics.
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> The wavelengths of a vibrating string are a harmonic series. These
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> series also find
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![](vertopal_5f3c29c2bf9a4c5b9a5c3c50b1c27197/media/image4.png){width="4.947222222222222in"
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height="3.6519291338582676in"}
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application in architecture, establishing harmonious relationships.
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Despite their integral role in human aesthetics, all harmonic series
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diverge, perpetually expanding without ever concluding. They embody a
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richness that transcends conventional boundaries, blending into one
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another infinitely.
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> Figure 1 - Harmonic Series to 32 (Hyacint,2017).
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By likening digital bodies to divergent series, we\
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embrace the complexity and infinite possibilities\
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arising from their interconnectedness and deviation from the norm.
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However, it\'s crucial to note that the divergence I\'m discussing here
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carries a halo of pain, accompanied by the requirement of bodily
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discomfort.
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There are other forms of divergence, ways to have different bodies that
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necessitate creating spaciousness around normativity to allow them grace
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to grow.
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> The divergent digital bodies we are dancing with and caring for,
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> however, are of a particular type. If we were to go back to our water
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> stories, we'd see that the\
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> digital bodies we are following are painful ones. Cold, deep streams,
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> hard to follow, hard to swim in. Their divergence from the norm makes
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> them so.
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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| 9\. I heard the idea of living | > They have intricate |
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| questions for the first time in\ | > relationships with themselves, |
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| "Letters to A Young Poet" by | > existing in unstainable forms |
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| Rainer\ | > devoid of comfort,\ |
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| Maria Rilke and then again on the | > nourishment, or thriving. What |
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| podcast On Being with Krista | > does comfort mean for a body |
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| Tippet. It may be a\ | > whose whole existence is |
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| bit transparent but\ | > uncomfortable? |
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| this entire text is\ | > |
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| informed by the\ | > Moreover, what if the comfort |
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| concept of keeping the unsolved | > care performed for these |
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| in your heart and learning to | > divergent bodies makes them too |
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| love it. Not\ | > comfortable being in their |
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| searching for the\ | > pained state of self? Could |
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| answers for we\ | > they be?9 |
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| cannot live them yet. The point | > |
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| is to live it all. It could be | > Caring for a digital body |
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| that at some point we will live | > involves providing it with\ |
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| our way to an\ | > space to live, giving its |
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| answer but it is\ | > experimental bot-feelings\ |
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| feeling the questions alive | > tender attention, and revealing |
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| within us that is important. Do | > your own vulnerable digital |
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| you? | > body in response. It's about |
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| | > giving it an\ |
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| | > audience, hands to hold, eyes |
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| | > that meet theirs in\ |
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| | > understanding. A rehearsal |
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| | > room, a pillow, a mirror. These |
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| | > rooms, backplaces scattered |
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| | > across the internet, are hidden |
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| | > enough to allow the divergent |
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| | > to comfort-care for one |
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| | > another, sometimes to the point |
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| | > where it is only the same type |
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| | > of divergent digital bodies |
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| | > reflecting back at each other. |
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| | > |
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| | > So far I have talked fondly of |
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| | > divergence and the harmony of |
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| | > divergent series, and the need |
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| | > to have no finite ending. I'd |
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| | > like to tell you a different |
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| | > story now. |
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| | > |
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| | > Divergent digital bodies are, |
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| | > by this point in our text, |
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| | > built and alive as they can be. |
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| | > They are many, they are |
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| | > together and seeing each other, |
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| | > producing harmonic waves. They |
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| | > are in backplaces on the |
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| | > internet, but they are less |
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| | > safe than they seem. They are |
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| | > themselves |
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+===================================+===================================+
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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resonant echo chambers, with an ongoing risk of catastrophic acoustic
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resonance.
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Acoustic resonance is what happens when an acoustic system amplifies
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sound waves whose frequency\
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matches one of its natural frequencies of vibration.
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The instrument of amplification is important for the harmonic series,
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for the music must not match exactly. An exact match will break it for
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the object seeks out its resonance. Resonating at the precise resonant\
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frequency of a glass will shatter it. Digital bodies meet in these
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rooms, amplifying their own waves seeking resonance but the risk of an
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exact match is that it may shatter them. These spaces full of divergent
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digital bodies quickly grow unstable, tethering echo\
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|
chambers. Rooms full of reflections, transforming what was once
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individual pain into a mirrored loop of\
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anguish. Caring for your own and others' bodies\
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becomes increasingly difficult, making permanent residence in the mirror
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room unbearable. You all know you must leave before you meet your exact
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resonance.
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> [c. unbearable intimacy]{.underline}
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>
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> This is the end of the story.
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>
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> Our digital bodies have a shape, a sense of life and death, and
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> someone to care for us and to care for. We are alive and have found
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> intimacy with each other.
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>
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> We live in the backplaces, hiding and being hidden online as we have
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> been for years. We used to be on invitation-only forums,
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> password-protected bulletin boards, or encrypted hashtags. Now we are
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> alive in the glitches between pixels, in a shared language of\
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> numbers and acronyms and misdirection. Avoiding a content moderation
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> algorithm, always hunting the dashboards of social media websites for
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> visible pain it can cure by erasure. We cannot tell you where to find
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> you or it might too. We try to stay alive, to hold each other, hiding
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> behind code words, fake names, and photos. We care for each other as
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> best we can, the blind leading the blind, the sick caring for the
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> sick. We have brought our unseemliness, our gory gross bodies to each
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> other and found tender intimacy and\
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> understanding.
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>
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> On good days, dashboards are full of goodbyes and my heart swells with
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> hope, for those of us who make it and for the small bright light
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> telling us that we may be one of them. At the same time, some of us
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> leave only to come back ghosts of ourselves, hunting threads with the
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> empty hope of missionaries.
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Don't give up, it's worth it!
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Most of us scoff at this. The idea of leaving only to come back and tell
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people you left is uncomfortable, the failed progress that washes away
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hope. A healed patient who regularly comes back to the hospital to
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encourage the sick, who wish to be anywhere but there. The genuine love
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and care within these\
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communities transpire better under goodbye posts. When people do heal
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and shed their accounts' skin, they often leave it surrounded by all
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those who once cared for the digital body within it.
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> I'm so proud of you! Never come back, we love you so much.
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>
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> Recover, don't come back.\
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> Recover, don't come back.\
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> Recover, never come back.
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I had a conversation with a friend who once lived in these spaces
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between letters but has since moved outside them. When asked, he
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mentioned he could only find recovery by leaving that community. His
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body has changed since now it is the spitting image of a standard,
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healthy body. I didn't ask, but he knew I'd wonder. He told me he didn't
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like his new body and preferred the divergent one he once built himself.
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Why leave then? Why did you stop?
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Because that was no life.
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> Now life sparkles, everything feels brighter and more exciting. I got
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> my will to live\
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> back. Before, there was nothing but my body. I was willing to die for
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> it.
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> He pulls up the sleeve of his shirt to show me his shoulder, where he
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> has tattooed a symbol for a community friend who died.
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>
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> I hope I never go back.\
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> I miss them every day.
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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| 10\. If we were to be honest, the | > This is the last dichotomy. For |
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| entire\ | > the divergent digital body |
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| exercise of writing this for you | > can't stay in a Backplace for |
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| requires this very faith. | > very long, the intimacy of it |
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| | > is unbearable. It is an |
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| | > intimacy that floods, and |
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| | > overruns. |
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| | > |
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| | > In their definition of intimacy |
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| | > in the context of a public |
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| | > surrounding a cultural |
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| | > phenomenon, the author Lauren |
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| | > Berlant denotes that intimacy |
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| | > itself always requires hopeful |
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| | > imagination. It requires belief |
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| | > in the existence of an ideal |
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| | > other who is emotionally |
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| | > attuned to one\'s own |
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| | > experiences and fantasies, |
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| | > conditioned by the same |
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| | > longings and with willing |
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| | > reciprocity (2008). 10 |
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| | > |
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| | > In the context of the intimacy |
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| | > of a Backplace, where divergent |
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| | > digital bodies have formed a |
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| | > community around existing |
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| | > outside the healthy and |
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| | > standard, longing and hopeful |
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| | > intimacy becomes a |
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| | > heavy-hearted and cardinal |
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| | > concept. |
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| | > |
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| | > Being in these rooms and |
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| | > finding care and love for |
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| | > others like you can be so |
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| | > uncomfortable when the |
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| | > longings, experiences, and |
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| | > fantasies you are sharing are |
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| | > centered around pain. The |
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| | > shared cultural\ |
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| | > experience of existing as a |
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| | > collective divergent digital |
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| | > body promises a fantasy of |
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| | > belonging, a collective hope, |
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| | > and commitment that is |
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| | > extremely fragile. |
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|
+===================================+===================================+
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+-----------------------------------+-----------------------------------+
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|
There is a duality then, if not a dichotomy. As a\
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divergent body, there is nothing you crave more than to be seen and to
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be loved in a space where you are safe, where the faces looking at you
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are not repulsed but warm with familiarity. Yet, it is this very warmth
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that becomes unbearable and an inherently traumatic\
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intimacy. Being loved at your worst, at your most\
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|
embarrassing, cultural borderline self is an agonizing duality to deal
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|
with. McGlotten, who was referenced earlier concerning the potential of
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|
bot-feelings of a digital body, now comes back to remind us of their
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|
impossibility. In his book, he talks of a digital intimacy that
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inundates us and is both a source of connection and disconnection
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|
(McGlotten, 2013). We are looking at a smaller scale than he does, but
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intimacy in the context of shared vulnerability can be a need just as
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|
intolerable.
|
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|
|
|
Certain kinds of witnessing can become curses, shivers of resonance so
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close to an explosion of glass if only you strike the cord that will
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keep me going.
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Certain kinds of divergence can only end with leaving or death, truth be
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told.
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People in these bodies know this, even if the digital bodies behave as
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if there is hope in a future where the divergence brings joy to one's
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life consistently. The shared vulnerability itself then, is unbearable.
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I need you to see me, I need you, who are just like me at my worst, to
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love me. When you do, I can't stand it. It ruins both of us to be seen
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this way and we need it so desperately. It has to exist and yet it can't
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for long.
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I leave even though I love all of your digital bodies. I leave because I
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love you, little digital body and you are me.
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[2. A LIFE TO BE HAD]{.underline} 11
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11.Was this the end of this story?
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> In the epilogue, you sit your body down and enter your\
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> computer. The air coming in from the window smells wet and earthy,
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> new. The sun shines low on the horizon.
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>
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> You log in to the internet and realize you are being told a story. You
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> start to listen, carefully and, full of love, touch the story to let
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> it know you are there. Delicate-fingered, curious like a child holding
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> a fallen bird. I hold you and the story tentatively.
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>
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> I don't know if I am touching you, to tell you the truth. Digital
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> bodies are stories, like physical bodies are, like dreams are, and
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> like water is.
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>
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> Stories that are hard to tell and hard to hear and even more, maybe,
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> hard to understand. I have loved these stories and I have loved
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> telling them to you. I hope you understand that my goal was for you to
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> live these questions, to feel these stories in their confusion. My
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> digital body, my bot-feelings, my divergent communities. I have given
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> them to you, so they may live longer, like an obsolete but beloved
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> cyborg shown in a museum.
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Look: I was here, Look: I was loved, Look: I was saved.
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> The digital bodies that kept me alive, kept me from becoming fully a
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> machine are no longer around in these online rooms. They are in
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> different places, being touched by tentative hands, being loved for
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> more than their divergence.
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I am too.
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The rooms, the backplaces, however, are still full of others, divergent
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digital bodies who did not leave, who keep caring for each other at the
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bottom of the whirlpool. There is no happy ending because there is no
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ending. They keep typing and hoping, writing their collective pain down
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on keyboards that transmit love letters to each other. I am not
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embarrassed by my care for you, but you may be so if it helps. I know
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how overwhelming intimacy can be.
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Telling you these stories was important for me, so much so that I will
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tell you so many more in a different place if you wish to listen to me
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longer. With this story, I dreamt of a digital body for you. It came
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from an ocean of dreams, into a primordial soup that gave it enough
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shape to become wild rivers, deep streams, sound waves. It flooded and
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now, it leaves. A digital body that grew its own feelings, looked for
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others like it, and realized its divergence and the need to leave. A
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dream body, a primordial body, a disruptive body, a divergent body, and
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now, a leaving body. This last story, however, of the leaving and loving
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body, is yet to be told.
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The sun is now almost up, and the birds are alive and awake, telling
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each other stories just outside the room. We don't have so much time
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left. I have made you something, to tell your digital body the stories
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of the leaving and loving body. It is a webpage, the address is\
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adadesign.nl/backplaces.
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You open the page, and you are asked to write the characters you see in
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a captcha. E5qr7.
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eSq9p.
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8oc8y.
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Fuck.
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You try not to panic, but you know you have been detected.
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> You pack up your things: the pie I made you, a love letter, two hands
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> made out of felt, a star, a door, a stuffed animal; and you leave
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> again.
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> [THANK YOU]{.underline}
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>
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> Special thanks to Marloes de Valk, Michael Murtaugh, Manetta Berends,
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> Joseph Knierzinger and Leslie\
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> Robbins.
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>
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> Extra thank you to Chae and Kamo from XPUB3 for the food and moral
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> support in this trying time and to my other xpubini for being great
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> and eating my snacks and gossiping.
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>
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> But most of all I\'d like to thank the people in the online
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> communities I\'ve met and loved, you were of course who this thesis
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> was about. Thank you for saving me, I will always remember you.
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> [REFERENCES]{.underline}
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>
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|
> Adler, P.A. and Adler, P. (2008) 'The Cyber Worlds of self-injurers:
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> Deviant communities, relationships, and selves', Symbolic Interaction,
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|
> 31(1), pp. 33--56.
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>
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> doi:10.1525/si.2008.31.1.33.
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>
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> Berlant, L.G. (2008) The female complaint the unfinished business of
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> sentimentality in American culture. Durham: Duke University Press.
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|
>
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|
> Chu, J. (2021) Looking for similarities across Complex Systems, MIT
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|
> News \| Massachusetts Institute of\
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|
> Technology. Available at:\
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|
> https://news.mit.edu/2021/jorn-dunkel-complex-systems-0627 (Accessed:
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|
> 08 March 2024).
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>
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> Deleuze, G., Boyman, A. and Rajchman, J. (2001) Pure immanence: Essays
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> on a life. New York: Zone Books.
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>
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> Goffman, E. (2022) Stigma: Notes on the management of spoiled
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> identity. London: Penguin Classics.
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>
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> Hafner, K. (1997) The epic saga of the well, Wired. Available at:
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> https://www.wired.com/1997/05/ff-well/ (Accessed: 01 February 2024).
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>
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> Haraway, D.J. (2000) 'A cyborg manifesto: Science, technology, and
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> socialist-feminism in the late twentieth century', Posthumanism, pp.
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> 69--84. doi:10.1007/978-1-137-05194-3_10.
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Hyacint (2017) Harmonic series to 32,\
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https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Harmonic_series_to_32.svg.
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Kolcaba, K.Y. and Kolcaba, R.J. (1991) 'An analysis of the concept of
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comfort', Journal of Advanced Nursing, 16(11), pp. 1301--1310.
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doi:10.1111/j.1365-\
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2648.1991.tb01558.x.
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Leonard, A. (no date) All Too Real,\
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https://people.well.com/. Available at:\
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https://people.well.com/user/cynsa/tom/tom14.html (Accessed: 01 April
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2024).
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McGlotten, S. (2013) Virtual intimacies: Media, affect, and queer
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sociality \[Preprint\]. doi:10.1353\
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book27643.
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Rumi, J. al-Din and Barks, C. (1995) 'Story Water', in The Essential
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Rumi. New
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Schwartz, C. (2022) Lecture on Loneliness, Granta. Available at:
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https://granta.com/lecture-on-loneliness/ (Accessed: 08 March 2024).
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Smith, N., Wickes, R. and Underwood, M. (2013)'Managing a marginalised
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identity in pro-anorexia and fat acceptance cybercommunities', Journal
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of\
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Sociology, 51(4), pp. 950--967.
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doi:10.1177/1440783313486220.
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Yun, J. (2020) 'The Leaving Season', in Some Are Always Hungry.
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University of Nebraska Press.
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\</water bodies\>
|